#particularly 3'oclock

[ultraweirdgirl13]

why do i, a 19 year old black "girl" relate more to 3 30 year old white men, than i do to my friends???

I should not be on the verge of tears from listening to OK Orchestra and The Maybe Man

[acolonialamerican]

Commentary on “Remember the Ladies Letter of March 31, 1776”

        One of the most famous and important letters written by Abigail (Smith) Adams to her husband, John Adams, is dated March 31, 1776.   The context of the content of the letter includes the recent evacuation of Boston by the British troops that had held the town captive for nearly a year following the Battle of Lexington and Concord (April 19, 1775) , including the time during which the Battle of Bunker (and Breeds) Hill(s) was fought (June 17, 1775).    The Occupation of Boston, known also as the Siege of Boston, ended March 17, 1776.  During this time period, British troops had remained garrisoned in this chief city of New England, trapped on a peninsula that was linked to the mainland by a narrow strip of land aptly nicknamed ‘the Neck.’   Braintree (later renamed Quincy) was the hometown of the Adamses, and lay a few short miles to the south of Boston.  Abigail Adams had seen and heard the destruction of Charlestown during the Battle of Bunker Hill, a devastating and unnerving event that was long remembered by her and her son, John Quincy, who was seven at that point.  She wrote then: “Charlstown is laid in ashes. The Battle began upon our intrenchments upon Bunkers Hill, a Saturday morning about 3 oclock & has not ceased yet & tis now 3 o'clock Sabbeth afternoon. Tis expected they will come out over the Neck to night, & a dreadful Battle must ensue.”

      The letter of March 31, 1776 consequently has   notes of hope, relief and anticipation for the future, as well as critique for the peoples of Virginia.    Boston (and consequently New England as a whole) had survived and in some sense triumphed... so far.   The beginning of the letter addresses some of the differences between New England and Virginia.   She praises George Washington  (and the colony of Virginia for having ‘produced’ him) but criticizes the colony for being ‘duped by [Royal Governor] Dunmore,’ as well as producing riflemen who acted savagely.

Her harshest criticism is levelled against the inhabitants of Virginia in regards to slavery.   She doubts that the passions of Liberty can possibly be equal in the hearts (breasts) of those  who “deprive their fellow Creatures of theirs.”  Implied by the term “Creatures” is naturally the belief that all humans are equal in view of their being Created by God.   She then alludes to the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) as that ‘generous and christian’ rule of conduct, that Virginians obviously fail to heed.

       She then shifted her focus to Boston.  She credits the relative lack of damage to the fact the British soldiers had to leave in a “percipitate” manner.  One shadow, smallpox, still hung heavy over the city.

        Waxing eloquent and hopeful she writes to her husband about how on the whole the mood has shifted from one of uncertainty to a future filled with promise.   She borrows a reference from the Scriptures once more. Whereas a month before there was doubt whether the honest inhabitants of the region would be able to enjoy the fruits of their labour, she writes: “ but now we feel as if we might sit under our own vine and eat the good of the land.” (see Micah 4:4) She continues:  “I think the Sun looks brighter, the Birds sing more melodiously, and Nature puts on a more chearfull countanance. We feel a temporary peace, and the poor fugitives are returning to their deserted habitations.”  

       Very soon in her letter she suddenly interrupts her own thought with the ardent desire that the Continental Congress should soon “declare an independency,” tagging on to it the admonition that as the Congress crafts new laws for the new nation that they would “Remember the Ladies, and be more generous and favourable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands. Remember all Men would be tyrants if they could.”  All men would be tyrants...if they could.   What restrains them?   Conscience?  An acquiescence to the greater Common Good?    A Christian faith that humbly recognizes that one’s rights end where another’s begin?  Where one’s conscience is not strong enough to restrain one from being a tyrant, fair laws must suffice.    Laws particularly that will protect and empower women, lest the ladies should rise up and “foment a rebellion.”  She concludes: “Men of Sense in all Ages abhor those customs which treat us only as the vassals of your Sex. Regard us then as Beings placed by providence under your protection…”      

[busesbipedsandbumpers-blog]

Getting Around the Neighborhood

By Lina Barakat

Introduction

The roads were empty for five oclock in the afternoon. As I turned off the main road and left the sense of movement around the entrance of the neighborhood, a quiet came over the landscape. I drove past houses grouped together behind entrance signs and gates. Large spans of greenway and trees sat between the clusters, creating respites in the scenery. I’m the only car on the road for a while with only a few people walking on the sidewalk as company. After rounding past an elementary school, I notice two small signs pointing to a building tucked behind trees with the words “Public Meeting” printed on them. I pull into the parking lot which sits at the bottom of a hill. A white stone building with a pool in the back emerges as I park my car in front. It’s quiet as I step out of my car and walked towards the wall of windows at the entrance of the building. 

Circle C Ranch, like many master planned communities, was designed with specific accessibility ideas in mind that create a certain transportation landscape. Built in the 1980’s, the neighborhood encompasses more than 6,000 homes, a golf course, four pools, several parks and schools, and more than 15,000 people in a 7.2 square mile area. Predominantly accessible by car, the area has a few bike lanes connecting it to surrounding neighborhoods away from the major roads and limited bus access. There have been various proposed changes to the transportation infrastructure in and around the community over the past few years, each revealing a new facet of how the different ways to get around fit into people’s everyday lives. These propositions surface questions surrounding community interest and values and highlight the weight an infrastructure project can carry.    

Physical Space & Isolation

Circle C is surrounded on two sides by largely empty land, Mopac on another, and other middle to middle-upper class neighborhoods on the last side. Connections for cars exist throughout all of these areas, whereas bike lanes only exist in the direction of the other neighborhoods and there is only one bus route down Escarpment that comes 4 times a day (Bike Lane Routes 2019, Figure 1) (CapMetro System Map 2016).

  This hinders anyone outside the neighborhood from accessing the restaurants, shops, and parks by bike or bus creating a physical hurdle for other modes of transportation in the area. A quick drive through Circle C reveals further the degree to which the transportation desert is very much a designed aspect. The two of the main arteries of the neighborhood are narrow winding roads that at points become single lane streets, leaving no room for a bike lane or a bus to drive through without causing major disruption (Figures 2 and 3).

At certain points, the bike lane will abruptly converge with the car lane, creating a potentially dangerous situation since these occurs most often around schools (Figure 4).

This landscape allows for certain movements in certain places. The bike lanes are clearly meant more for recreational biking within the neighborhood and surrounding areas, not as a main means of transportation. This creates the foundation upon which the lack of interest of community members in embracing other types of transportation builds. With no real means for people outside the neighborhood to physically enter the community, there seems to be no reason for residents to be particularly invested in bikes or buses.  

In 2015, the Texas Department of Transportation proposed major improvements to MoPac from North of Slaughter Lane to South of La Cross Avenue, impacting Circle C Ranch and the surrounding area. While a  majority of people supported the construction citing improvements in traffic congestion, one of the proposed additions was the improvement of pedestrian walkways and bike lanes for safety reasons at this major intersection. Out of 409 comments received at the public hearing for the proposition, only a handful cited safety for cyclists and pedestrians as a reason for wanting to approve the project (Public Hearing Summary 2015). The concerns raised about congestion clearly garnered more weight since the project moved forward with no real improvements made for other modes of transportation. A map of Austin’s bike routes only has a “helpful sidewalk” along W Slaughter Lane and a low comfort bike lane along the highway listed as alternative transportation options for an area that acts as the main entrance for the neighborhood (Bike Lane Routes 2019)(Figure 1).  This illustrates how achieving and maintaining a certain comfort level for cars and drivers is a priority for the area. It also introduces a recurring paradox of wanting to improve roadways to relieve congestion but little interest put toward bike and bus transportation options which in turn leaves more cars on the road. The physical place of the community at the edge of the southwest Austin area allows it to separate itself and create and maintain its own transportation landscape with little to no attention paid to those outside it.

Selective Interest

The public meeting in the community center was the first Project Connect Community Event I attended as part of my research. The poster presentation given by the hosts provided a comprehensive look at the changes the city and CapMetro plan on implementing through bus route expansions, but it became increasingly difficult to ignore the constant flow of people moving towards the pool and hearing the continuous stream of distant chatter that never seemed to get close enough. A sense of apprehension could soon be felt in the room as the hosts walked around aimlessly and made small talk after the presentation. The large expanses of quiet with only the hum of the air conditioning audible filled the better part of two hours. The few people that did walk through the door had little to comment about the plan, saying that they would still use their car and have little interest in using the bus, quickly leaving thereafter. For these families, spending time interacting with the hosts and looking at the posters did not seem like a priority, whereas the hosts saw those residents as important parts of the community with useful information about the proposed changes to the transportation landscape. While it may not be vehement opposition to the plan in expanding bus routes, the lack of interest in spending time providing feedback speaks to a certain sense of privilege that comes with not having to think about public transit and the future of transportation in the city.  

Earlier this year, the City of Austin rolled out their Austin Strategic Mobility Plan, a comprehensive plan tackling the transportation problems faced by the city because of a growing population and aging infrastructure system. The goal of the plan is to “build connections, improve our current systems, increase accountability, and plan for our city’s long-term transportation future,” through a variety of new processes and carefully track progress (Austin Strategic Mobility Plan, 2019).  The Circle C Ranch HOA “decided to aggressively address segments of the plan that negatively affect the overall quality of life and value of our already master planned community,” like rejecting extensions of roads on the periphery of the neighborhood that would connect it with MoPac at more points and changing the requirements for expanding roads within the community (Circle C Ranch Homeowners Association 2019). The emphasis placed on preserving the transportation infrastructure of the neighborhood within the framework of a project meant to integrate the city in more robust ways does indicate a certain want to remain selectively isolated from surrounding areas. While there may not be an interest in supporting or opposing changes made to bus routes or bike lanes, there is a very strong interest in ensuring cars move through the neighborhood a certain way.  

Conclusion   

According to a local neighborhood council member, there is no decent public transportation in southwest Austin and whatever is in place does very little in helping people get out of their cars. He mentioned that there is a heightened demand for a more integrated transportation landscape in the areas around Circle C, making the neighborhood and its goals markedly different from those around it. In looking at master-planned communities such as Circle C Ranch, isolation and lack of interest surrounding transportation are not surprising. The fact that the neighborhood is predominantly accessible through cars makes it isolated from other means of transportation and therefore isolated from other groups of people. The lack of interest could be considered both a symptom and a driver of this isolation. Looking at the larger infrastructure projects in the area like Project Connect and the MoPac Construction Plan, public meetings are attended in low numbers meaning the conversations about transportation miss the majority of people within the neighborhood. These ideas certainly confirm the question of whether the transportation landscape was purposefully created and continually maintained by the community and additionally speak to broader conceptual themes of privilege and feelings of belonging.  Transportation seems to be one of the main means of seeing these themes both in the physical construction of the neighborhood but also in the mindset of its residents.

[the-once-and-future-dork]

My Racism and Media paper didn’t go quite like this, but it was fun to write the prep work.

INTRODUCTION

               Ever wondered why there are so many dumbass white people dressing up like they black? [lists massive list of white ppl dressing up in racist costumes] Well look no further, because we gonna take you on the fucking ride of your life. All aboard the education train, making stops at the 9 oclock showing of the Celebrity Shit Show, the racist garbage that is Spirit Halloween, the wishy washy media square, #White Defenders Anonymous, and finally, the White house. Buckle up, mother fuckers, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride

PARAGRAPH ONE

               Ding dong, surprise, it’s celebrity racism! And they brought their friend, Spirit Halloween. What did they bring to the pot luck? Blackface pudding and a cultural appropriation salad!

PARAGRAPH TWO

               How many journalists does it take to frame racist Halloween properly? More at 11. Now onto the comments section, to check out the latest cases of white apology. Early reports from medical experts say its highly contagious, and white middle aged facebook users are particularly susceptible.

PARAGRAPH 3

               Time to take a tour of the oval office, where you can view our temporary modern presidential racism exhibit, and our brand new federally approved white supremacist exhibition. You can buy KKK hoods and swastika t shirts in our gift shop. Come see our sister museum in Canada, with informative exhibits on how to hide genocide for over a century and how to make white colonialism look like a favor to the colonized!

CONCLUSION

               White people are pretty garbage tbh. Deport them.

[foundingfatherjohnlaurens]

From Alexander Hamilton to Elias Boudinot, [5 July 1778]

Good lord Alexander rambles on! But read the letter, he mentions how John fared at Monmouth...

To Elias Boudinot

[New Brunswick, New Jersey, July 5, 1778]

My dear Sir,

You will by this time imagine that I have forgotten my promise of writing to you, as I have been so long silent on an occasion, which most people will be fond of celebrating to their friends. The truth is, I have no passion for scribbling and I know you will be at no loss for the fullest information. But that you may not have a right to accuse me of negligence, I will impose upon myself the drugery of saying something about the transactions of the 28th, in which the American arms gained very signal advantages; and might have gained much more signal ones.

Indeed, I can hardly persuade myself to be in good humour with success so far inferior to what we, in all probability should have had, had not the finest opportunity America ever possessed been fooled away by a man, in whom she has placed a large share of the most ill judged confidence. You will have heard enough to know, that I mean General Lee. This man is either a driveler in the business of soldiership or something much worse. To let you fully into the silly and pitiful game he has been playing, I will take the tale up from the beginning; expecting you will consider what I say, as in the most perfect confidence.

When we came to Hopewell Township, The General unluckily called a council of war, the result of which would have done honor to the most honorab[le] society of midwives, and to them only. The purport was, that we should keep at a comfortable distance from the enemy, and keep up a vain parade of annoying them by detachment. In persuance of this idea, a detachment of 1500 men was sent off under General Scot to join the other troops near the enemy’s lines. General Lee was primum mobile of this sage plan; and was even opposed to sending so considerable a force. The General, on mature reconsideration of what had been resolved on, determined to persue a different line of conduct at all hazards. With this view, he marched the army the next morning towards Kingston2 and there made another detachment of 1000 men under General Wayne; and formed all the detached troops into an advanced corps under the command of the Marquis De la fayette. The project was, that this advanced corps should take the first opportunity to attack the enemy’s rear on the march, to be supported or covered as circumstances should require by the whole army.

General Lee’s conduct with respect to the command of this corps was truly childish. According to the incorrect notions of our army his seniority would have intitled him to the command of the advanced corps; but he in the first instance declined it, in favour of the Marquis. Some of his friends having blamed him for doing it, and Lord Stirling having shown a disposition to interpose his claim, General Lee very inconsistently reasserted his pretensions. The matter was a second time accommodated; General Lee and Lord Stirling agreed to let the Marquis command. General Lee a little time after, recanted again and became very importunate. The General, who had all along observed the greatest candor in the matter, grew tired of such fickle behaviour and ordered the Marquis to proceed.

The enemy in marching from Allen Town had changed their disposition and thrown all their best troops in the rear; this made it necessary, to strike a stroke with propriety, to reinforce the advanced corps. Two brigades were detached for this purpose, and the General, willing to accommodate General Lee, sent him with them to take the command of the whole advanced corps, which rendezvoused the forenoon of the 27th at English Town, consisting of at least 5000 rank & file, most of them select troops. General Lee’s orders were, the moment he received intelligence of the enemy’s march to persue them & to attack their rear.

This intelligence was received about five oClock the morning of the 28th. and General Lee put his troops in motion accordingly. The main body did the same. The advanced corps came up with the enemys rear a mile or two beyond the court House; I saw the enemy drawn up, and am persuaded there were not a thousand men; their front from different accounts was then ten miles off. However favourable this situation may seem for an attack it was not made; but after changing their position two or three times by retrograde movements our advanced corps got into a general confused retreat and even route would hardly be too strong an expression. Not a word of all this was officially communicated to the General; as we approached the supposed place of action we heard some flying rumours of what had happened in consequence of which the General rode forward and found the troops retiring in the greatest disorder and the enemy pressing upon their rear. I never saw the general to so much advantage. His coolness and firmness were admirable. He instantly took measures for checking the enemy’s advance, and giving time for the army, which was very near, to form and make a proper disposition. He then rode back and had the troops formed on a very advantageous piece of ground; in which and in other transactions of the day General Greene & Lord Stirling rendered very essential service, and did themselves great honor. The sequel is, we beat the enemy and killed and wounded at least a thousand of their best troops. America owes a great deal to General Washington for this day’s work; a general route dismay and disgrace would have attended the whole army in any other hands but his. By his own good sense and fortitude he turned the fate of the day. Other officers have great merit in performing their parts well; but he directed the whole with the skill of a Master workman. He did not hug himself at a distance and leave an Arnold to win laurels for him;3 but by his own presence, he brought order out of confusion, animated his troops and led them to success.

A great number of our officers distinguished themselves this day. General Wayne was always foremost in danger. Col Stewart4 & Lt Col Ramsay5 were with him among the first to oppose the enemy. Lt Col Olney6 at the Head of Varnum’s7 Brigade made the next stand. I was with him, got my horse wounded and myself much hurt by a fall in consequence. Col Livingston8 behaved very handsomely. Our friend Barber9 was remarkably active; towards the close of the day, he received a ball through his side—which the doctors think will not be fatal. Col: Silly,10 & Lt Col: Parker11 were particularly useful on the left—Col Craig,12 with General Wayne, on the right. The Artillery acquitted themselves most charmingly. I was spectator to Lt Col: Oswalds13 behaviour, who kept up a gallant fire from some pieces commanded by him, uncovered and unsupported. In short one can hardly name particulars without doing injustice to the rest. The behaviour of the officers and men in general was such as could not easily be surpassed. Our troops, after the first impulse from mismanagement, behaved with more spirit & moved with greater order than the British troops. You know my way of thinking about our army, and that I am not apt to flatter it. I assure you I never was pleased with them before this day.

What part our family acted let others say. I hope you will not suspec[t] me of vanity when I tell you that one of them Fitsgerald,14 had a slight contusion with a Musket ball, another, Laurens, had a slight contusion also—and his horse killed—a third, Hamilton, had his horse wounded in the first part of the action with a musket ball. If the rest escaped, it is only to be ascribed to better fortune, not more prudence in keeping out of the way. That Congress is not troubled with any messenger-aids to give swords and other pretty toys to, let them ascribe to the good sense of the Commander in Chief, and to a certain turn of thinking in those about him which put them above such shifts.

What think you now of General Lee? You will be ready to join me in condemning him: And yet, I fear a Court Martial will not do it. A certain preconceived and preposterous opinion of his being a very great man will operate much in his favour. Some people are very industrious in making interest for him. Whatever a court Martial may decide, I shall continue to believe and say—his conduct was monstrous and unpardonable.

I am Dr Sir   Yrs. Affecty

Alex Hamilton

Brunswick

July 5th. 78

[taeminuet]

Heartbeat (13/?)

Title: Heartbeat Fandom: SHINee Pairings: Jongtae; Minkey; OnKai Chapter Wordcount: 2.5k Overall Rating: R Chapter Warnings: mentions of prostitution (kind of?), discussions of mental illness, Summary: In which not every problem needs to be fixed and not every person needs to be saved; sometimes you just need support.

-

1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 7.5 , 8 , 9 , 10 , 11 , 12

Chapter 13: Jonghyun

It's tipping into the evening now, and Jonghyun is a little tired. But he'd promised Taemin he would stay awake, so here he is. He doesn't quite know what to do or say either. He's mostly taken to watching Taemin in a way that feels a little creepy except that Taemin hasn't complained.

He keeps drifting in and out of something that's almost like sleep. His breathing isn't quite slow enough, isn't deep enough, and Taemin shifts too easily in response to Jonghyun's motions, makes little curious noises every so often when Jonghyun moves too much.

Jonghyun knows he's not asleep. He's seen Taemin asleep; this isn't it. But he's dozing, which Jonghyun guesses is probably okay for him, considering, the whole, you know, insomnia thing.

Plus, it's given Jonghyun some room to think. Which he's starting to think he needs a lot of.

He'd wanted to sleep with Taemin. Taemin is beautiful, and Jonghyun had wanted him. Still wants him. But that had been more than he expected. He always gets fucking weak and needy and shit during sex. He knows that. But usually people know what's going on with that. Or they don't care.

Jinki knows. Most of his random fucks don't care if he slips up, if the word slips out. There's a stigma there, but most people don't care. They usually ignore it. Jinki usually corrects him gently.

But Taemin will care. Jonghyun is sure he will. And then... and then what?

Jonghyun doesn't know why it matters if Taemin knows too. He's slept with him now. The fascination should be over. But instead he's laying in a bed with Taemin, staying with him while he dozes, and letting his mind wander over Taemin running to him in the night, hiding in his room, in his bed. Letting Jinki's warning echo in the back of his mind, 'Are you going to be able to deal with Taemin?'

And Jonghyun honestly isn't sure. Because whatever he just did, whatever he just committed to by staying when Taemin asked, he's not sure where to go from here. He knows they're not compatible, knows they're going to set each other off. But a part of him wants to be here. And if he can cling to that, can keep his mouth shut...

He wonders how long he can cling to that.

Not much longer for now, he guesses, because Taemin shifts and rolls towards him, sighing and leaning his head into Jonghyun, and Jonghyun holds his breath for a moment, staring at Taemin who murmurs softly, a tiny little nonsense noise, and then stops. He looks up at Jonghyun, and Jonghyun can only vaguely make out his features in the dim light, bu he can see enough to see that Taemin is blinking rapidly, wrinkling his nose.

“We're gross,” Taemin says, and his voice is thick with exhaustion, but he's smiling slightly. “Morning.”

“It's like...” Jonghyun starts, and then has to stop because his own voice is thick and raw, hours of not taking a drink compounding having Taemin's cock in his throat. He swallows tightly. “It's like 8'oclock at night. We had sex in the middle of the afternoon.”

Taemin shrugs. “Okay, yeah, but any time I can doze off for a few hours is basically a good night's sleep for me. And that doesn't change you being gross.”

“How'd it go from 'we' to 'me,' huh?” Jonghyun asks, frowning a little, but he's not even close to upset, and Taemin smiles at him, lifting a hand to cover his mouth even before it turns into a yawn. Jonghyun doesn't appreciate the way his heart skips a beat.

“Because you swallowed all my come,” Taemin says, so blatant that even Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. “And you jizzed in your pants.”

“Rude,” Jonghyun mumbles, but his cheeks are pink now.

“Come on then,” Taemin says, and rolls into sitting, perching for a moment at the edge of the bed before exhaling slowly and clambering to his feet.

Jonghyun's heart twists. He doesn't know why. He should have been kicked out hours ago, and Taemin had asked him to stay. Being asked to leave now isn't a big deal.

Jonghyun has slept with plenty of people who kicked him out the moment they came. He's slept with people who left him there, alone and exhausted and still shaking. Sometimes, the particularly bad ones, the ones who thought they were being kind would leave him money, like a common prostitute.

Jonghyun knows better than to expect kindness, especially from people who don't know, who don't understand.

Taemin isn't special because he let him stay a few hours. They fucked around. It's done now.

Jonghyun sets his jaw and clambers to his feet, looking around. “Where's my shirt?” he asks. “Gimme a second to find it--”

“Leave it, you can find it later,” Taemin says, and pulls at Jonghyun's arm. “Come on.”

And Jonghyun stops, confusing probably clear on his face. He's glad now that the room isn't bright, because he doesn't know what's going on, is thrown completely off guard, and he doesn't know if he appreciates the way it feels.

This isn't Jinki, who knows him, who understands to an extent. And this isn't... well...

“Do you want to shower or not? Because I'm not letting you back in my bed like that once I'm clean,” Taemin says. “Like, immediately post-sex is one thing. But I swear to god if you have a kink for lounging around with come in your pants, we're never fucking again, no matter how good you are with your mouth.”

Jonghyun can't help but snort a genuine laugh. “Yeah, okay.”

And he still isn't entirely sure what he's doing, but he follows Taemin into the bathroom. He really is gross, and as he peels his pants and boxers down, he realizes how truly uncomfortable it is, but Taemin only sticks his arm under the shower stream and fumbles with the knob, hissing under his breath when he shoots it up too far on the first try and humming when he gets it back down to a reasonable level.

“Come on,” Taemin says for the third time, and now he's pulling Jonghyun into the shower, guiding him under the warm water and humming happily, leaning against the wall as the steam builds up around them. “Used to try to sleep in the shower when this first set in real bad. Worked for a while, but the water bill was hell, and waking up when the water stopped being hot...”

“Doesn't sound fun,” Jonghyun says, mouth twitching a little. “I dunno. Depends on how good your water heater is I guess.”

He doesn't see Taemin's expression, but he does hear the clear pause before Taemin speaks. “Not great, honestly,” he says, a moment later than he should. “Lived in an apartment with my best friend, and those aren't exactly known for their quality utilities.”

“Good, so you're not gonna be missing anything when this water suddenly turns into an ice bucket in 5 minutes,” Jonghyun says.

“I mean, I'm gonna be missing warm water,” Taemin says. “We should hurry up.”

And Jonghyun starts to agree, but then Taemin is stepping close, reaching for the soap and lathering it into Jonghyun's hair instead of his own, and Jonghyun's breath hitches. He goes stiff just for a moment, and Taemin pauses, a weird moment of tension between them before Jonghyun sucks in a breath and forces himself to relax.

Taemin's fingers are gentle in his hair now, soft against places where he'd been tugging at sharply earlier. Jonghyun tries his best to hide the way he's trembling now.

“Whatever's going on, chill. If I'm doing something wrong you can tell me but I'm not gonna fuck with you or anything,” Taemin murmurs, close enough to his ear to make Jonghyun shudder “We talked about what went down this morning, and we both have some shit to work on here, but whatever it is, even if you don't want to tell me, just... relax, okay?”

And Jonghyun wants to laugh. Because a small part of him wants to tell Taemin, to explain why he's shaking, why this is so wrong. He wants to explain that he doesn't get this, doesn't deserve this, that even Jinki knows better than to show this much kindness because that's not what Jonghyun needs.

He wants to explain that he hasn't had this in years, since he'd ruined everything. Since he'd lost everything. Since his father had gone to jail because of him.

He wants to explain, but he doesn't dare. So instead he swallows tightly, forces himself to relax, and lets Taemin wash his hair for him, lets Taemin scrub down his back. He lets Taemin settle his hands low on his hips and press tiny kisses to his skin, chaste and simple and not what Jonghyun is used to. He lets Taemin, shaking a little under his touch until the water begins to cool and Taemin has to stop and rush to clean up as well.

Jonghyun's boxers are fucked, honestly, and he'll have to wash those by hand before putting them with his laundry, but he can slip back into his pants. He towels off slowly, and at very least, he isn't shy about watching Taemin dry off and dress. Because if nothing else, Taemin is beautiful.

Once Taemin has pants on, his eyes drift upwards to find that Taemin is looking back at him, one eyebrow raised. “Like what you see?”

Jonghyun bites his lips together, just for a moment, before he flashes a shaky grin. “I told you. When I see something pretty...”

Taemin smirks a little, tipping his head, and saunters back through the door to his room. And Jonghyun, god help him, follows. Taemin is sitting on the bed now, and Jonghyun settles onto his lap, draping his arms over Taemin's shoulders, and leans in close.

It's just a moment, just a passing thought, that has Jonghyun murmuring, “Can I kiss you?”

Taemin laughs, leaning up to press kisses to his mouth, no longer chaste and sweet. Jonghyun melts, kissing him back, and does his best not to think about how much easier this is than the simple act of Taemin washing his hair.

“You're actually pretty decent when you're not being an ass,” Taemin says after a moment, laughing against his mouth, and Jonghyun huffs and presses in for a harder kiss to quiet Taemin. It only works a little, because Taemin is still laughing at him.

He tugs him down with him, rolling them over until Jonghyun is under him. Taemin grins, pressing a few more kisses to his lips, and then down to his throat, to his shoulder. He presses his mouth over the bite mark, too lightly to even hurt, and Jonghyun bites his lip against the urge to ask Taemin to bite so that it's not that gentle. He doesn't want this to be gentle, because if it's gentle, he'll start believing Taemin gives a shit.

Instead he sighs lightly, presses his fingers into Taemin's hips, and pulls him in. “Tease,” he mumbles, hoping to spur Taemin on. Hoping for something. That way he doesn't have to think.

Taemin hums, and he presses a kiss to the bite mark before drifting down, pressing kisses in a seemingly random pattern across his skin. His mouth hovers over his shoulder, his arms, his chest and sides, over places that make Jonghyun gasp, sensitive for reasons he doesn't get until he does.

Taemin is pressing kisses to his tattoos, lips careful over each one, and Jonghyun jerks sharply, hissing in a breath as Taemin's mouth skids over one near his hipbone. He doesn't even remember what it is, but he remembers exactly what caused the scar it covers up.

“God. These are so hot,” Taemin says, and he doesn't know, but that doesn't keep Jonghyun from sucking in a sharp, stuttering gasp, tensing under his touch. “What do they even mean anyways?”

Jonghyun suddenly can't breathe, air stuttering in his lungs. “They're-” he starts and then doesn't know where to go from here. The words die in his mouth, settling like lead along his teeth, making his jaw ache. They're for my dad.

And Jonghyun doesn't know exactly what's going on with Taemin. He doesn't know that story any more that Taemin knows his. But he knows better that to think that if he told Taemin the truth, told him everything, that Taemin would understand.

Jonghyun is fucked up. He knows that. And Taemin wouldn't understand. He wouldn't.

He wouldn't understand that Jonghyun had been lost. Had been afraid. Had gone out looking for any sign of attention that anyone would give him. After losing his dad, he had been so afraid, so alone, and anyone who would give him that attention, give him affection, was good enough. For a night, at least.

He didn't want forever. He didn't want a replacement. He wanted a distraction.

And so many times, someone like him, young and eager and broken, only attracted distractions that hurt. So he had learned to like the pain. To embrace it. And then to cover up the scars with pretty tattoos so that when, one day, he saw his dad again, he wouldn't be judged for the scars, for the pain, for all the things he had let himself do to just... exist.

That had been before. That had been before Sodam found him. Before he'd been put in here. Before Jinki, who would take care of him without loving him or wanting him to love him back. Before... before any of this.

Long before Taemin, who wouldn't understand, when apparently he's so fucking afraid of someone hurting him that he has all these issues of his own. And he doesn't want Taemin to understand. He doesn't care. He doesn't want to care.

Angrily, he wrenches away from Taemin's touch, shoving him back and lurching upwards to swallow any possible protest in a bruising kiss, knowing even as he does that he's being too rough.

“It's none of your business,” he hears himself hiss, defensive and angry, and he knows it's bad and wrong and cruel, but he can't seem to get past the rage and panic and distress welling in his chest, boiling under his skin.

Taemin jerks backwards, eyes wide. For a moment, just a half second, Jonghyun sees the fear on his face, and he knows he's fucked up, but it's too late. It's too late to change any of this, and Jonghyun can only watch Taemin spasm away from him, expression flickering from fear to pain to anger.

“What the fuck, Jonghyun?” he spits, shoving off of him. “You could have just said you didn't want to talk about it. You don't have to act like I'm a fucking asshole for asking. If it's one of your issues, say something. Don't be a fucking dick about it.”

“Oh, you're one to talk,” Jonghyun snaps, and it's the wrong thing to say, but he can't help it.

“You know what, fuck you,” Taemin hisses, and grabs a shirt, yanking it on over his head and aiming a glare at Jonghyun. “I thought we were good. I thought we could at least talk about this shit. But if all you wanted was some dick, congratulations, you got it. I'm done.”

And then he's gone, slamming the door shut again in his wake, and Jonghyun is sitting on Taemin's bed, and trying to sort out what he's feeling and how much of it is regret.

-

Next Chapter

[bashfultern]

Research

My research can be divided into 4 chunks- The australasian Bittern, legal eagle, schatten parker, and autism. The australasian bittern

my research into the Australiasian Bittern was very interesting. It is an endangered bird that thrives in the wetlands of eastern australia, namely in freshwater environments where there are many reeds. Its most stunning feature is its long neck, which it can extend up to 45 cm in length. The neck is pale on its underside, with long dark brown stripes running down it, which would later inform my design of both the neck and the clothing seams. It is a heavy set bird, which also informed my design. The Bittern often when threatened or alarmed will extend its neck to its highest length. This inspired me when i would later research stimming behaviours, as a common stim is to jut ones chin out and to stretch the neck. Due to this, i made this one of Andy’s self soothing stims. This animal is very shy and reclusive, with current numbers not even being accurately known due to it’s reclusive nature. Due to this, I think Andy could draw from this personality trait, and be also very shy, almost bashful. 

Here are some visual research drawings

a “Legal Eagle,”

This phrase connotes a lawyer who is particularly skilled in their profession. Due to this, I decided that Andy is a law student, who is currently completing his masters in International Commercial Law with Dissertation. I decided he is probably most fond of contract law, as this is the type of law that fits in best with the phrase Legal Eagle- meaning someone with a fine eye for the detail of the law, and a very devoted lawyer. I decided that contracts and the language they use is a special interest for Andy, hence his extreme aptitude at the subject. Andy is not well liked among his peers due to his odd behaviour, however even they acknowledge his prowess in the court of law. Andy would love to be hired in a sucessful law firm by the time he graduates, (he is in his final year of law now,) however his social skills need some more fine tuning before he can confidently apply for a job.

Oddly enough there is a partner phrase to “Legal Eagle,” being “legal beagle”. Legal Beagle however, has more negative connotations, such as being more aggressive in court. It also has a tendency to refer to lawyers you are opposing, rather than ones on your side. Due to this, i wanted to make Andy a sympathetic character, hencemy choice for him to do contract law.

Schattenparker

In german, this word refers to someone who parks in the shade- its used in an insulting manner to imply this person is delicate, or “not a man.” In context, and example of someone being a Schattenparker would be if they parked their car under the shade after a long hot day. The argument is that only old people and weak/sick people would park in the shade.

Whilst this word only implied these meanings, as i delved deeper into my research i found it very odd this turn of phrase. There are many reasons why people would want to park in the shade. People could be sick, they might have an animal in the car, they might have a migraine, or a sensitivity to light.

As i investigated this, sensory processing issues for autistic people came up. Many of Andy’s characterisations already leant to towards behaviours shown by autistic people, so i decided to do more research in autism for Andy’s character.

Autism

Autism is defined as “ a developmental disorder characterized by difficulties with social interaction and communication, and by restricted and repetitive behavior.” A lot of my research into it was information from autistic people; their experiences, their explanation of things like stimming and sensory issues/overload, and on their special interests. I was able to talk with a friend of mine about her autism, and she helped me with the respectful characterisation of Andy. One thing which appeared in my research was about how to avoid alienating the audience from an autistic character. The example was called  behaviorizing vs humanizing. An example of behaviourising from their site was “’Brianna would scream whenever she had a wrinkle in her sock.’(Non-autistic kids typically do not do this, so the unusualness is located in the action of screaming. Because Brianna’s experience is left out, the only thing the reader sees is “mildly uncomfortable situation” and “completely disproportionate behavior”.)” 

and an example of humanizing was “Wrinkles in Brianna’s socks grated on her nerves like sandpaper on raw skin. Brianna often had difficulty conveying how unpleasant this was to other people, and when it happened, it reminded her of all the times she’d tried to communicate her frustration and been ignored. The combination of pain and stress and knowing she would likely be ignored again stripped her words from her and left her with no other way to communicate but screaming.”

Things like stimming and sensory overload are not things that autistic people do out of the blue. They are direct responses to stimuli, in the same way that I might smile when i see my favourite movie, an autistic person might flap their hands or rock from side to side. Sensory processing issues can lead to what in neurotypical people to be a tolerable sensation, for example a wrinkle in a sock, but for non-neurotypical people to be a vary painful and unpleasant experience. As with the other experiences associated with autism, such as repeated behaviours, special interests, and occasionally non verbal phases, it’s important to portray these respectfully in Andy’s character. He should not be a source of comedy due to his actions. So, all being said, here is a little character summary of Andy. Andy is 6 foot 2, heavy set, and a genius when it comes to contract law. He is home by 3:15 every day, applies sunscreen every 4 hours, (sometimes a bit more often if it’s been a rough day,) and finishes his studying at 9′oclock every evening. He likes to wear a matching pale green jumpsuit everyday, (turned inside out so that the hems dont grind on his skin,) loosely tied sneakers, and he keeps his hair short so it doesnt tickle his nose like how it did when he was younger. However, whilst Andy might be a legal eagle when it comes exams, he can’t seem to apply this keen eye to his social life. no matter how many online forums he reads, he can’t seem to make this friendship thing work with anyone in his year group. He is often seen with his brother Jonathan, who is helping him find some buddies of his own. 

Andy is 22, and is a Capricorn. His favourite season is winter (as it is much less hot, and sweating is an unbearable aspect of the human condition. In summer he showers 7 times a day just to avoid it.) His favourite color is beige, and if he won the lottery, the first thing he would buy would be 2 new rubber pencil grips. When he sees a cute puppy, he flaps his hands in delight, and can often be found gently rocking himself in his favourite part of a movie, or when the day is a bit stressful. At exam time you can see him jutting his chin out and stretching his neck from the stress of it all, and occasionally, when class is a bit too loud and the lights are a bit too bright and it’s getting overwhelming, you can find him under the stairs in block 4. It’s nice and cool there, very quiet, and there are no harsh glaring flurocents to stab into his eyes.

Andy’s dream is to work in a law firm that has very gentle lights and gentle speaking people. He is looking for graduate oportunities now, and can’t wait to start his dream job one day.

[brideandgroomoman-blog]

THE EXQUISITE RETRO STYLE MANERO FLYBACK

The latest addition to the Carl F. Bucherer Manero Flyback collection combines the beauty of precious metal with unabashed retro charm and sophisticated watchmaking technology. The new Flyback Chronograph boasts an 18 k rose gold case that houses a column-wheel mecha- nism, ensuring both precision and ease of use. The vintage character of the timepiece gets an elegant contemporary twist thanks to black and red accents and a kudu-leather strap.

Balancing Retro Charm and Modern Contrast The new Manero Flyback Chronograph cuts a timeless and refined figure on the wrist. Taking design cues from Carl F. Bucherer models from the 1960s and 1970s, the timepiece captures the spirit of these bygone eras. The smooth curves of the 43 mm case in 18 k rose gold have been inspired by the watches of those decades, as have the timepiece’s other carefully considered design elements: convex sapphire crystal, strik- ing mushroom push buttons, perforated rose gold-colored lancet-shaped hands, and wedge-shaped applied indices. The decidedly vintage flair of the new model is beautifully balanced by its modern elements. The black sunburst-finished dial pops against the two silver-colored totalizator subdials – a small seconds display and a 30-minute counter – while bold red accents such as the “Flyback” lettering and the outline of the chapter ring add another stunning contrast. The handsome horological package is rounded out by a slim stopwatch second hand in red, a tachymeter scale, and a date display at 6 o’clock. The strap is crafted from dark gray kudu leather with a suede finish and features red contrast stitching along with an 18 k rose gold folding pin buckle. No Compromises Necessary: The Utmost in Sophistication and User-Friendliness The beauty of the Manero Flyback is not just limited to its exterior. It is powered by the CFB 1970 caliber automatic movement with 42 hours of power reserve, which is beautifully decorated with intricate circular- grain finishing and Geneva stripes. Its column-wheel mechanism has a long tradition in watchmaking. Its complex chronograph movement is considered to be especially elegant and makes starting, stopping, and resetting incredibly easy. The flyback function of the chronograph is also particularly user-friendly: a simple push is all that is needed to reset the stopwatch second hand and get it going again. The beating heart of the watch can be admired through the see-through sapphire-crystal case back. The Many Faces of the Manero Flyback Family The new Manero Flyback in rose gold is the eighth timepiece to join this multifaceted watch collec- tion. Variations include a timeless classic model with a rose gold case and a black, silver, or champagne- colored dial, a robust stainless steel model with a silver-colored or blue gray dial, and a retro style master- piece with a black dial housed in a stainless steel case. Each of these stunning chronographs embodies the Carl F. Bucherer spirit of Swiss watchmaking excellence from Lucerne. Facts and Figures: Manero Flyback Reference number: 00.10919.03.33.02 Movement:               CFB 1970 caliber automatic movement, diameter 30.4 mm, height 7.9 mm, 25 jewels, power reserve 42 hours Functions:                Chronograph: minute and 1/4th second counter, flyback: tachymeter, date, hour, minute, small seconds Case:                        18 k rose gold, double-domed sapphire crystal with anti-reflective coating on both sides, sapphire crystal case back, water-resistant to 30 m (3 atm), diameter 43 mm, height 14.45 mm Dial:                           Black Strap:                       Dark gray kudu leather, 18 k rose gold pin buckle Read the full article

[lady-literature]

Tagged by @cashmeredragon

Aww! thank you for tagging me. that’s super sweet :)

— Your last…

1. Drink: mt dew

2. Phone call: A friend of mine i shall refer to as K

3. Text message:  “thank you”

4. Song you listened to: Primmadona by Marina and the Diamonds

5. Time you cried: 2 days ago. I got upset about a whole bunch of little things that shouldn’t have made as upset as i was but when piled together just seemed like too much.

— Have you ever…

6. Dated someone twice: nah

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: still nah

8. Been cheated on: not that i know of

9. Lost someone special: no

10. Been depressed: yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: can’t say I have

— Fave colours

12.

13.

14.

— In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: Yeah! i’m super excited about it actually

16. Fallen out of love: I have not, can’t fall from somewhere you never were.

17. Laughed until you cried: multiple times

18. Found out someone was talking about you: this actually happened to me fairly recently. And it’s very amusing because they were trying to be mean but were failing miserably.

19. Met someone who changed you: define ���meet’ Because like, i kinda already knew them??? but i only recently started talking and stuff.

20. Found out who your friends are: yes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: no. not really. don’t really use facebook considering all the stuff going on. though i didn’t use it much to begin with so you know.

— General

22. How many your Facebook friends do you know irl: all of them

23. Do you have any pets: a doggo named titan! hes a good boy :)

24. Do you want to change your name: kinda? I don’t particularly like my name. It’s very... common and i just don’t like it too much. I’d like to change it to something like Aerial or perhaps something from mythology. Something I relate to more.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: i had a family dinner and a friend sleep over thing.

26. What time did you wake up today: 700 oclock bc ughhhh school

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching Happy Feet with my best friend

28. What is something you can’t wait for: my Europe trip this summer. I’m going to england, france and germany

29. What is your favourite animal: foxes

30. What are you listening to right now: FMA Brotherhood

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i have no idea

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: sounds. more specifically unnecessary sounds. good old sensory overload.

33. Most visited website: hahahah haha haha hahahahaha *sweats nervously*

34. Hair colour: Blue! but i have some brown roots :(

35. Long or short hair: short, though, id like it to be shorter.

36. Do you have a crush on someone: lowkey idek. feelings are hard.

37. What do you like about yourself: my drawing ability, also my quality humor

38. Want any piercings: id like to get my ears done more but other than that nah

39. Blood type: boi i don’t know

40. Nicknames: lady (lit), my boi, Jay

41. Relationship status: single

42. Sign: Gemini

43. Pronouns: she/her

44. Fave tv show: rn?? like the good doctor or SAO Abridged

45. Tattoos: i have a couple planned out but none on my boy as of yet

46. Right or left handed: right

47. Ever had surgery: not that im aware

48. Piercings: my ears

49. Sport: i do swim team in the fall but nothing else

50. Vacation: a long drive to anywhere.

51. Trainers: what does this mean?? i am confusion???

— More General

52. Eating: pie

53. Drinking: orange juice

54. I’m about (to) watch: FMA as i draw

55. Waiting for: a lot of things. the biggest? my feelings to sort themselves out

56. Want: books and more gay dirk gently

57. Get married: maybe one day. but it’s not a goal. i want to spend my life with people i love but they don’t need to be romantic

58. Career: voice acting or something to do with drawing/writing. also lowkey want to be a teacher of sorts because i know i could be a good one but idk if that’s what i would like to do.

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: i like hugs. just wrapping your arms around someone for a solid ten minutes? Quality.

60. Lips or eyes: eyes are the greatest

61. Taller or shorter: i like being a tol but as a member of the V.A.S.P. i feel obligated to say shorter

62. Older or younger: both, neither, all

63. Nice arms or stomach: stomachs because they honestly need more love

64. Hookups or relationships: relationships all the way. Meaningful interactions with people are 10/10

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: i am both the trouble maker and the mom friend.

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: no

67. Drank hard liquor: ...

68. Turned someone down: no, but lets just say my relationships don’t often go well

69. Sex on first date: i have not partaken in the sex at all

70. Broken someone’s heart: never intentionally

71. Had your heart broken: nah

72. Been arrested: psshh i dont leave the house, yo think im getting arrested?

73. Cried when someone died: yeah

74. Fallen for a friend: ....

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: :)

76. Miracles: yeah

77. Love at first sight: uh no???? love takes hard work

78. Santa Claus: sadly nah

79. Angels: not angels persay, but something like them i suppose

— Misc

80. Eye colour: mossy brown

81. Best friend’s name: [REDACTED] is the best friend i could ask for and i love her to bits :D

82. Favourite movie: Happy Feet at the moment

83. Favourite actor: Jensen from supernatural or like bendynoodle wipersnatch bc he’s so nice

84. Favourite cartoon: STEVEN UNIVERSE

85. Favourite teacher’s name: [REDACTED]

[stopsubstanceabuse1-blog]

[Professional] Microsoft MCSE 070-465 Exam Collection Exam Dumps & 070-465 Exam Collection Questions and Answers

New Post has been published on https://www.substanceabuseprevention.net/professional-microsoft-mcse-070-465-exam-collection-exam-dumps-070-465-exam-collection-questions-and-answers/

[Professional] Microsoft MCSE 070-465 Exam Collection Exam Dumps & 070-465 Exam Collection Questions and Answers

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[ineedahandinminetofeel]

An appointment indeed.

8/5/17

So, early start today. I hate early starts, picked the wrong job I guess? 2 hours ish on the train to arrive there at around about twenty past nine for an appointment at ten oclock. Getting there was pretty seamless really. My mum came with me and we kept each other company on the train. 

The first thing that happened when I got there was they brought me a form to ask about my ethnicity etc. apparently my GP hadn’t given them that. The person that I was seeing for the day came and got us both, my mum came in to the appointment with me. If he said his name I’d forgotten it within minutes, and if he said his job title I’d forgotten that too. My mum had too, which kind of leads me to believe he may not have introduced himself fully since we’re both generally good about remembering those kinds of things, but I’m not sure.

So we sat for an hour and a quarter and basically went through what I have decided to call My Ghosts of Dysphoria Past, Present, and Future. “When did I figure out I was trans?”, “How did I figure out?”, a lot of “How did that feel?”. If I present as female anywhere in real life (I don’t, I don’t have the privacy to do so, there’s literally always someone in the house due to my family’s shift patterns), what steps I’ve taken towards presenting female in real life (again very little because of the aforementioned lack of solid privacy.)

If I’m out to any friends (yes), and if they were okay with it (also yes <3), what they call me and how that makes me feel (if you’re reading this, supportive people, you are the best <3). If I’d taken any steps towards social transition (really no), like if I’ve told the rest of my family like my dad and brother (no and no), or if I’ve changed my name via deed poll (I’m looking for jobs at the moment, and I don’t really want to have to explain that at interview, so no). Other things too, I think? I’m writing this literally 12 hours removed cause I think I wanted some time to digest it.

I remember a lot of questions about being young as well, like how I acted before I learnt I was trans. How learning I was trans changed me, what I was like as a teenager. What I’ve been like since being trans. Mental, emotional, physical health, that kind of thing, which are all pretty much fine for me. 

Some things made me feel a little, I don’t know if uncomfortable is the word, but a little perplexed. I told him my hobbies, which are admittedly rather nerdy and somewhat male, like video games or roleplay games. He said it was common for trans people to have nerdy hobbies, but I still get the feeling he wanted me to be more of a girly girl than I am. 

Similarly to that point, I own no typically female clothes, so I went in nice “male” clothes (nice shirt and black skinny jeans) which he picked up on. Specifically saying something like “the clothes you’ve worn today, I imagine you got them from the men’s section?” To which I nodded? There’s not really a... genderless section? The point sort of was though, that I was dressing in a masculine fashion which I felt he disapproved of. Made it awkward when I looked at my mum who was wearing... a nice shirt and black skinny jeans. 

Not so much in the moment but a little later on I wonder what this man would make of my entirely female friend who doesn’t like make-up, or doing her hair, and is a powerlifter and a very dedicated, long time kickboxer (hi you, if you’re reading!). Would she pass the GICs gender stereotype litmus test or would my actually female friend be not enough of a woman? Similarly none of the women in my family really wear skirts besides a glamorous aunt and my young woman cousin, every other woman in the family wears trousers and aren’t really girly girls. Are any of the women in my family women enough for my GIC? 

He asked about dysphoria a lot too, and I don’t think I impressed him particularly. 40% of transgender people have attempted suicide, and it’s estimated up to 90% have suicidal ideation. I’m wonderfully lucky to have no experience with either. Dysphoria hits me, obviously, and it sucks, but just in general I’m a very laid back person, so it never really hits me so badly that I feel an overriding sense of suffering with it? 

I’m the kind of person that if I’m on a bus that’s going to be late, I don’t worry about it cause I can’t change it. That is to say, I try not to stress about things I have no control over, because that’s not productive. This extends to my body and my dysphoria, so I kind of make sure that it never hits me that hard by adopting that attitude. Obviously I’m trying to change it, but that requires hormones and a long drawn out process, feeling bad about myself in the mean time doesn’t accomplish anything and just dampens my life too. So I don’t have particularly bad dysphoria, but I’m also to be in a situation where I’ve selected and collected supportive friends, and in the last year and a bit I’ve gained some familial support as well. I’ve carefully topiary’d a lot of support around myself, so I never feel so bad about it.

So I feel like the fact that I’m not a dysphoric wreck maybe put him off? I have to admit, like, entirely, I’m not very good at this trans thing. I didn’t really have any trans friends for a long long time, I didn’t have a trans “mentor” when I was young and discovering myself. Were there even trans communities online in 2007? This was like, when MySpace was at it’s peak, I didn’t know how to find support from a community, I was happy enough to find a PHB bulletin board about Star Wars, nevermind plumbing the depths of my gender identity. 

My point is, a lot of my development as a trans person is really weird sounding and I think pretty unconventional. My girl name is a mash up of my real life names that started out as a nickname I had before I figured out I was trans, I figured out I was trans just through chatting to someone who was trans and then I was kinda left alone to figure it all out. I was so poorly informed about trans stuff that I thought you couldn’t even transition after 18, as if puberty was a literal off switch and my 18th birthday was some kind of point of no return. Sometimes I recount stories about myself and even I feel stupid, so I have no idea how he took me, since I did tell him all this as well. 

I’m waffling now, I think. He told me that there’d be 3 more appointments, one of which I think I can get done at home, but that means I’m going to have to make the (expensive) two hour journey to my GIC at least twice more. No bloods taken today, no hormones given, and he did tell me that I’m going to have a very very similar chat with a psychiatrist some time in the future. 

My overall impression is that I think he wasn’t too impressed with me. I felt like I wasn’t trans enough? I really really got the feeling that, as I mentioned in the previous post, that someone who’s never met me before is interviewing me on whether I get to be me or not and it just felt all a bit like a test? But like, a test where you don’t really know what answers they’re even looking for. I had a job interview recently and it literally felt like that, except even in a job interview you kinda know what’s expected of you. He was some kind of psychologist, since I mentioned I had a degree in psychology and he told me he had two. He was very, like very “therapist-y”, lots of “how did that make you feel”, lots of probing on weird and random things I’d never even thought of or thought important. I mean, I know I went there for an assessment but I didn’t think I’d feel so uncomfortable about it?

I guess I don’t really know how to feel, he said there’ll be an appointment in the post in the next six weeks, so here’s hoping. My overall impression is that there was a set of hoops and I did not jump high enough, or particularly high at all. Trans people are very popular at the moment, mainly as debate topics in the same way that any minority’s rights are debated by a poorly informed majority. You can see examples in America with the bathroom bill, or as trans people get more exposure the issue of trans athlete’s gets debated a lot, mostly by people who have never even seen a trans person before and it’s generally pretty horrific to read. I am, personally, just so tired of being a debate topic, I’m so tired of being a discussion piece, and this today didn’t really help much with it. I’m a person, not like, a thing to be codified, classified, and sorted, you know?

I know there’s no choice other than to have all these assessments and things, so I can’t complain about it cause I understand it, it’s still just tiring. It did feel like a job interview, it was alien, I didn’t really like it and I’m not really looking forwards to doing it again, even if it’s the doorway to who I want to be. I don’t like other people meddling in my affairs or suggesting how I act, I’m very private. If I don’t want to social transition, I shouldn’t have to social transition. If I don’t want to like typically female things I don’t feel like I should have to to impress a psychologist that lives (literally) a hundred miles away from me in a city I have no intention of ever even visiting for anything outside of trans stuff.

I’m stubborn, I don’t like being bossed around, but I guess now that my life is in the hands of these doctors and psych(ologists/iatrists) I am beholden to someone else’s rules, standards, ideas, preconceptions, misconceptions, and demands. Though now I know how my nan feels when she says the nurses in hospital are bossing her around and she hates it, even when we tell her that they’re not and if they are it’s for her own good.

All in all, it was an interesting day. A weird one. I’m tired, very tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. But it’s the start of a process, so I guess I’m happy sort of kind of maybe ishy a little?

Oh, I guess end on a (sort of) funny (but not super funny when you think about it) note, my GP had told the GIC that I was 31. I’m 24. I don’t even know where my GP got 31 from. If it was 34 I’d understand because that’s 1982 compare to 1992, but 31? What are they even doing?! This is, also to say, that my GP didn’t send my referral the first time I attended and asked for it, and I had to phone back a while later to get them to actually send the referral in the first place, all those 14 months ago. I wonder if I hadn’t phoned up to check last year, would I even be writing this now? I’ll leave some of the other things that my GP has gotten wrong out about my health, because they’re not strictly trans things, but those in the know will see this as part of a rather shitty picture concerning my local doctors who have already made some rather catastrophic mistakes in my life.

Anyway, if you read this far I’ve got no idea what you must be doing with your life as there are plenty of far better things you should have done! Go hug a loved one or look at cute pictures of dogs online! Go on! Go do something useful. And thank you for reading. <3

[michaelmullen]

1]  This guy was NOT being belligerent. He wasn’t cussing, he wasn’t threatening anyone, he wasn’t doing anything that earned him that kind of treatment. I certainly would have been more worked up in that situation than he was. They knocked out two of his teeth and left him seriously concussed. Proportionate justice? When he ran back to his seat he was obviously distressed and not thinking so clearly, because of the evident bloody concussion! The impact on the actions of police by prevalent cell phone cameras cannot be ignored: Lawsuits and firings are inevitable in the wake of this, because “the eyes of the world are watching now”.   https://youtu.be/guxXceaIn7Y

2]  Kevin Willard, be honest, isn’t part of the reason the 2nd Amendment’s Right To Bear Arms is important is because of the impetus to resist authority, particularly of the Federal kind? I wonder if they were in a concealed-carry state? Perhaps if the guy was packing then his resistance would have been a righteous statement of his liberty? Or does that only happen when Nevada farmers invade Oregon wildlife refuges?  Perhaps some humor will have an impact. https://youtu.be/nRDZJrn8KC4

3]  Dr. James Harris, of COURSE white privilege exists. In the US, the only people who deny the existence of white privilege are white. For example, whites in America have the privilege of NOT assuming that a beat down happened because of race: non-whites do not generally have that luxury. When I posited the question that started this thread, it wasn’t about the method that was used to determine their “volunteers”, it was about whether or not he would have been beat down like that if he were white. I think not. First of all, I believe the statistics will show that a person of color has a greater chance of receiving a beat down from police than a white does. Also, a white doctor in that exact same situation would have handled himself differently. He would have said “No, I’m not leaving. No, I have patients waiting for me that need my attention at 8 oclock tomorrow morning and I’m not leaving. And if you try to force me—if you touch a hair on my head--I will sue you… yeah, you Officer, what’s your name?... I’ll sue you, Officer Jones. I’ll sue all three of you jack boots, I’ll sue the pilot, I’ll sue United. And oh by the way, my Unlawful Arrest and Police Brutality trump your Failure to De-Accommodate and Resisting Arrest. Not only will I not do ANY time, but YOU will end up fired. Look at all the cell phone cameras: Habeas Corpus Byotches!!” And if the beat down happens anyway, then the lawsuit will be inevitable, and punitive.  In other words, the white doctor would have a] known his rights and b] not been afraid to threaten (stand up to The Man) based on those rights. I hope Dr. Dao is getting the right legal advice, and will sue the living sh*t out of everyone involved. Read this article, especially the list contained therein.  https://nationalseedproject.org/white-privilege-unpacking-the-invisible-knapsack    Just because a white person gets beat up by police does not mean white privilege does not exist (is that too many negatives?). Additionally, just because a white person is more likely to be selected in a random “de-accomodation” search (because there’s more white people, duh) does not mean white privilege does not exist. White privilege ABSOLUTELY exists, and more whites need to wake up and acknowledge that. Read the article, please.

4]  Lastly, Dr. James Harris, Blue Smith’s initial commentary was only partially in response to stuff you wrote. Some was in response to stuff OTHERS wrote, so your response in some ways seems out of context (or something like that). Your calmly delivered scalpel-edged psychobabble (with all due respect) could possibly have been more patronizing than it was, maybe... AND you basically said she was crazy, or at the very least clinically neurotic. It was clever, but would probably have pissed me off as well. With all due respect. ;-)

qƚ�$e

[foundingfatherjohnlaurens]

From George Washington to Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens, 8 August 1778

To Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens

Head Quarters White plains 8 Augt 1778

⟨My dear Sir

Yesterday Afternoon I recd your favr of the 4th inst. You have my warmest thanks for your indefatigable exertions to promote the intended enterprise agt the Enemy, and my sincerest wishes that you may see them crowned with the fullest success. I shall be happy if things are in a proper train at the time you mention to begin our operation.

About an hour ago I recd a letter from General Maxwell, dated at Elizabeth Town the 7th at 9 oClock A.M. which contains the following paragraphs “I have to inform your Excellency that early yesterday Morning Lord Howe sailed out of the Hook, with his whole Fleet of armed Vessels. They were out of sight in the Afternoon and supposed to be going to Rhode Island. No troops nor transports were thought to be with them.”

“some transports are drawn up between Governors Island and Yellow Hook, supplied with wood, water and provisions. their Number sufficient to carry three Regiments to the West Indies. The Regiments supposed to be going are the 7th 29th and 71st but they were not embarking.” He adds a Nota bene “No British Fleet is arrived yet, that we can hear of.”1

I have written to Count D’Estaing by this Conveyance and⟩ communicated the above advices. I have also transmitted him a York paper of the 5th Instant containing British intelligence to the 4th of June, from which it would appear that Adml Keppel was then watching the Brest fleet.2

Your Journal & Map were very satisfactory and as I am deeply interested in the success of our Operations, I need not urge to you my wishes for constant information respecting them. What is & what is not are both very material.

I shall not write to Genl Sullivan by this opportunity. You will be pleased to remember me to him. I am Dr Sir with great regard & esteem Yr Most Obt servant

Go: Washington

P.S. In a Letter from Genl Greene which came when yours did,3 he mentions one from Genl Sullivan. If he wrote his Letter miscarried.

I dare say the Count DEstaing has taken the wisest precautions in his power to obtain information of any Sea-movements of the Enemy on our Coast—& particularly of the approach of any fleet towards him. I hint however to you—that if he has not already done it, I think he might employ light Cruizers off Rhode Island & the South side of Long Island to answer important purposes.

LS, in Robert Hanson Harrison’s writing, Sotheby, Parke-Bernet, sale no. 4184, Printed Books and Autograph Letters, 28–29 Nov. 1978, item 93; Df, DLC:GW;Varick transcript, DLC:GW. Because only a portion of the LS was reproduced in the sale catalog, the text in angle brackets is taken from the draft, which is in Tench Tilghman’s writing.

K...I KNOW IT SAYS IT’S IN HARRISON’S WRITING BUT THE WHOLE TIME I WAS READING IT I WAS THINKING IT REEKS OF HAMILTON...