#look theirs is a.... v rocky relationship

[taeminuet]

Heartbeat (13/?)

Title: Heartbeat Fandom: SHINee Pairings: Jongtae; Minkey; OnKai Chapter Wordcount: 2.5k Overall Rating: R Chapter Warnings: mentions of prostitution (kind of?), discussions of mental illness, Summary: In which not every problem needs to be fixed and not every person needs to be saved; sometimes you just need support.

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1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 7.5 , 8 , 9 , 10 , 11 , 12

Chapter 13: Jonghyun

It's tipping into the evening now, and Jonghyun is a little tired. But he'd promised Taemin he would stay awake, so here he is. He doesn't quite know what to do or say either. He's mostly taken to watching Taemin in a way that feels a little creepy except that Taemin hasn't complained.

He keeps drifting in and out of something that's almost like sleep. His breathing isn't quite slow enough, isn't deep enough, and Taemin shifts too easily in response to Jonghyun's motions, makes little curious noises every so often when Jonghyun moves too much.

Jonghyun knows he's not asleep. He's seen Taemin asleep; this isn't it. But he's dozing, which Jonghyun guesses is probably okay for him, considering, the whole, you know, insomnia thing.

Plus, it's given Jonghyun some room to think. Which he's starting to think he needs a lot of.

He'd wanted to sleep with Taemin. Taemin is beautiful, and Jonghyun had wanted him. Still wants him. But that had been more than he expected. He always gets fucking weak and needy and shit during sex. He knows that. But usually people know what's going on with that. Or they don't care.

Jinki knows. Most of his random fucks don't care if he slips up, if the word slips out. There's a stigma there, but most people don't care. They usually ignore it. Jinki usually corrects him gently.

But Taemin will care. Jonghyun is sure he will. And then... and then what?

Jonghyun doesn't know why it matters if Taemin knows too. He's slept with him now. The fascination should be over. But instead he's laying in a bed with Taemin, staying with him while he dozes, and letting his mind wander over Taemin running to him in the night, hiding in his room, in his bed. Letting Jinki's warning echo in the back of his mind, 'Are you going to be able to deal with Taemin?'

And Jonghyun honestly isn't sure. Because whatever he just did, whatever he just committed to by staying when Taemin asked, he's not sure where to go from here. He knows they're not compatible, knows they're going to set each other off. But a part of him wants to be here. And if he can cling to that, can keep his mouth shut...

He wonders how long he can cling to that.

Not much longer for now, he guesses, because Taemin shifts and rolls towards him, sighing and leaning his head into Jonghyun, and Jonghyun holds his breath for a moment, staring at Taemin who murmurs softly, a tiny little nonsense noise, and then stops. He looks up at Jonghyun, and Jonghyun can only vaguely make out his features in the dim light, bu he can see enough to see that Taemin is blinking rapidly, wrinkling his nose.

“We're gross,” Taemin says, and his voice is thick with exhaustion, but he's smiling slightly. “Morning.”

“It's like...” Jonghyun starts, and then has to stop because his own voice is thick and raw, hours of not taking a drink compounding having Taemin's cock in his throat. He swallows tightly. “It's like 8'oclock at night. We had sex in the middle of the afternoon.”

Taemin shrugs. “Okay, yeah, but any time I can doze off for a few hours is basically a good night's sleep for me. And that doesn't change you being gross.”

“How'd it go from 'we' to 'me,' huh?” Jonghyun asks, frowning a little, but he's not even close to upset, and Taemin smiles at him, lifting a hand to cover his mouth even before it turns into a yawn. Jonghyun doesn't appreciate the way his heart skips a beat.

“Because you swallowed all my come,” Taemin says, so blatant that even Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. “And you jizzed in your pants.”

“Rude,” Jonghyun mumbles, but his cheeks are pink now.

“Come on then,” Taemin says, and rolls into sitting, perching for a moment at the edge of the bed before exhaling slowly and clambering to his feet.

Jonghyun's heart twists. He doesn't know why. He should have been kicked out hours ago, and Taemin had asked him to stay. Being asked to leave now isn't a big deal.

Jonghyun has slept with plenty of people who kicked him out the moment they came. He's slept with people who left him there, alone and exhausted and still shaking. Sometimes, the particularly bad ones, the ones who thought they were being kind would leave him money, like a common prostitute.

Jonghyun knows better than to expect kindness, especially from people who don't know, who don't understand.

Taemin isn't special because he let him stay a few hours. They fucked around. It's done now.

Jonghyun sets his jaw and clambers to his feet, looking around. “Where's my shirt?” he asks. “Gimme a second to find it--”

“Leave it, you can find it later,” Taemin says, and pulls at Jonghyun's arm. “Come on.”

And Jonghyun stops, confusing probably clear on his face. He's glad now that the room isn't bright, because he doesn't know what's going on, is thrown completely off guard, and he doesn't know if he appreciates the way it feels.

This isn't Jinki, who knows him, who understands to an extent. And this isn't... well...

“Do you want to shower or not? Because I'm not letting you back in my bed like that once I'm clean,” Taemin says. “Like, immediately post-sex is one thing. But I swear to god if you have a kink for lounging around with come in your pants, we're never fucking again, no matter how good you are with your mouth.”

Jonghyun can't help but snort a genuine laugh. “Yeah, okay.”

And he still isn't entirely sure what he's doing, but he follows Taemin into the bathroom. He really is gross, and as he peels his pants and boxers down, he realizes how truly uncomfortable it is, but Taemin only sticks his arm under the shower stream and fumbles with the knob, hissing under his breath when he shoots it up too far on the first try and humming when he gets it back down to a reasonable level.

“Come on,” Taemin says for the third time, and now he's pulling Jonghyun into the shower, guiding him under the warm water and humming happily, leaning against the wall as the steam builds up around them. “Used to try to sleep in the shower when this first set in real bad. Worked for a while, but the water bill was hell, and waking up when the water stopped being hot...”

“Doesn't sound fun,” Jonghyun says, mouth twitching a little. “I dunno. Depends on how good your water heater is I guess.”

He doesn't see Taemin's expression, but he does hear the clear pause before Taemin speaks. “Not great, honestly,” he says, a moment later than he should. “Lived in an apartment with my best friend, and those aren't exactly known for their quality utilities.”

“Good, so you're not gonna be missing anything when this water suddenly turns into an ice bucket in 5 minutes,” Jonghyun says.

“I mean, I'm gonna be missing warm water,” Taemin says. “We should hurry up.”

And Jonghyun starts to agree, but then Taemin is stepping close, reaching for the soap and lathering it into Jonghyun's hair instead of his own, and Jonghyun's breath hitches. He goes stiff just for a moment, and Taemin pauses, a weird moment of tension between them before Jonghyun sucks in a breath and forces himself to relax.

Taemin's fingers are gentle in his hair now, soft against places where he'd been tugging at sharply earlier. Jonghyun tries his best to hide the way he's trembling now.

“Whatever's going on, chill. If I'm doing something wrong you can tell me but I'm not gonna fuck with you or anything,” Taemin murmurs, close enough to his ear to make Jonghyun shudder “We talked about what went down this morning, and we both have some shit to work on here, but whatever it is, even if you don't want to tell me, just... relax, okay?”

And Jonghyun wants to laugh. Because a small part of him wants to tell Taemin, to explain why he's shaking, why this is so wrong. He wants to explain that he doesn't get this, doesn't deserve this, that even Jinki knows better than to show this much kindness because that's not what Jonghyun needs.

He wants to explain that he hasn't had this in years, since he'd ruined everything. Since he'd lost everything. Since his father had gone to jail because of him.

He wants to explain, but he doesn't dare. So instead he swallows tightly, forces himself to relax, and lets Taemin wash his hair for him, lets Taemin scrub down his back. He lets Taemin settle his hands low on his hips and press tiny kisses to his skin, chaste and simple and not what Jonghyun is used to. He lets Taemin, shaking a little under his touch until the water begins to cool and Taemin has to stop and rush to clean up as well.

Jonghyun's boxers are fucked, honestly, and he'll have to wash those by hand before putting them with his laundry, but he can slip back into his pants. He towels off slowly, and at very least, he isn't shy about watching Taemin dry off and dress. Because if nothing else, Taemin is beautiful.

Once Taemin has pants on, his eyes drift upwards to find that Taemin is looking back at him, one eyebrow raised. “Like what you see?”

Jonghyun bites his lips together, just for a moment, before he flashes a shaky grin. “I told you. When I see something pretty...”

Taemin smirks a little, tipping his head, and saunters back through the door to his room. And Jonghyun, god help him, follows. Taemin is sitting on the bed now, and Jonghyun settles onto his lap, draping his arms over Taemin's shoulders, and leans in close.

It's just a moment, just a passing thought, that has Jonghyun murmuring, “Can I kiss you?”

Taemin laughs, leaning up to press kisses to his mouth, no longer chaste and sweet. Jonghyun melts, kissing him back, and does his best not to think about how much easier this is than the simple act of Taemin washing his hair.

“You're actually pretty decent when you're not being an ass,” Taemin says after a moment, laughing against his mouth, and Jonghyun huffs and presses in for a harder kiss to quiet Taemin. It only works a little, because Taemin is still laughing at him.

He tugs him down with him, rolling them over until Jonghyun is under him. Taemin grins, pressing a few more kisses to his lips, and then down to his throat, to his shoulder. He presses his mouth over the bite mark, too lightly to even hurt, and Jonghyun bites his lip against the urge to ask Taemin to bite so that it's not that gentle. He doesn't want this to be gentle, because if it's gentle, he'll start believing Taemin gives a shit.

Instead he sighs lightly, presses his fingers into Taemin's hips, and pulls him in. “Tease,” he mumbles, hoping to spur Taemin on. Hoping for something. That way he doesn't have to think.

Taemin hums, and he presses a kiss to the bite mark before drifting down, pressing kisses in a seemingly random pattern across his skin. His mouth hovers over his shoulder, his arms, his chest and sides, over places that make Jonghyun gasp, sensitive for reasons he doesn't get until he does.

Taemin is pressing kisses to his tattoos, lips careful over each one, and Jonghyun jerks sharply, hissing in a breath as Taemin's mouth skids over one near his hipbone. He doesn't even remember what it is, but he remembers exactly what caused the scar it covers up.

“God. These are so hot,” Taemin says, and he doesn't know, but that doesn't keep Jonghyun from sucking in a sharp, stuttering gasp, tensing under his touch. “What do they even mean anyways?”

Jonghyun suddenly can't breathe, air stuttering in his lungs. “They're-” he starts and then doesn't know where to go from here. The words die in his mouth, settling like lead along his teeth, making his jaw ache. They're for my dad.

And Jonghyun doesn't know exactly what's going on with Taemin. He doesn't know that story any more that Taemin knows his. But he knows better that to think that if he told Taemin the truth, told him everything, that Taemin would understand.

Jonghyun is fucked up. He knows that. And Taemin wouldn't understand. He wouldn't.

He wouldn't understand that Jonghyun had been lost. Had been afraid. Had gone out looking for any sign of attention that anyone would give him. After losing his dad, he had been so afraid, so alone, and anyone who would give him that attention, give him affection, was good enough. For a night, at least.

He didn't want forever. He didn't want a replacement. He wanted a distraction.

And so many times, someone like him, young and eager and broken, only attracted distractions that hurt. So he had learned to like the pain. To embrace it. And then to cover up the scars with pretty tattoos so that when, one day, he saw his dad again, he wouldn't be judged for the scars, for the pain, for all the things he had let himself do to just... exist.

That had been before. That had been before Sodam found him. Before he'd been put in here. Before Jinki, who would take care of him without loving him or wanting him to love him back. Before... before any of this.

Long before Taemin, who wouldn't understand, when apparently he's so fucking afraid of someone hurting him that he has all these issues of his own. And he doesn't want Taemin to understand. He doesn't care. He doesn't want to care.

Angrily, he wrenches away from Taemin's touch, shoving him back and lurching upwards to swallow any possible protest in a bruising kiss, knowing even as he does that he's being too rough.

“It's none of your business,” he hears himself hiss, defensive and angry, and he knows it's bad and wrong and cruel, but he can't seem to get past the rage and panic and distress welling in his chest, boiling under his skin.

Taemin jerks backwards, eyes wide. For a moment, just a half second, Jonghyun sees the fear on his face, and he knows he's fucked up, but it's too late. It's too late to change any of this, and Jonghyun can only watch Taemin spasm away from him, expression flickering from fear to pain to anger.

“What the fuck, Jonghyun?” he spits, shoving off of him. “You could have just said you didn't want to talk about it. You don't have to act like I'm a fucking asshole for asking. If it's one of your issues, say something. Don't be a fucking dick about it.”

“Oh, you're one to talk,” Jonghyun snaps, and it's the wrong thing to say, but he can't help it.

“You know what, fuck you,” Taemin hisses, and grabs a shirt, yanking it on over his head and aiming a glare at Jonghyun. “I thought we were good. I thought we could at least talk about this shit. But if all you wanted was some dick, congratulations, you got it. I'm done.”

And then he's gone, slamming the door shut again in his wake, and Jonghyun is sitting on Taemin's bed, and trying to sort out what he's feeling and how much of it is regret.

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Next Chapter

[actuallysaiyan]

Question how's that future trunks sfw aplabet also have you done Sasuke sfw alphabet

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Trunks is such a sweetie. He’s super affectionate and he’ll show you affection in the most typical ways. It’s always a hug, a high five or a kiss on the cheek with Trunks. He just wants to make you smile, and he’ll always do nice things for you. He’s big on physical touch, but he’s not opposed to acts of service as well.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Trunks would be the ultimate best friend. He’d treat you right, he’d never tell your secrets and he’d always be up for hanging out and having fun together. He’s never going to argue with you over petty things, and he’s always going to want to be positive and have lots of fun.

The friendship would probably start if you meet him through his parents or the other Z fighters. Outside of that, it could be a chance meeting.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Trunks adores cuddling. The sensation of having someone he loves that close to him makes him feel so safe and secure. He needs to have your warmth close to him, it helps him sleep at night. He would wrap his arms around you, bringing you so close that you’re almost on top of him. Then he’d kiss you and play with you hair.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Trunks isn’t against settling down, but he does worry that maybe his presence could bring other enemies around. He’d love to be able to have comfortable life with his sweetheart, but it’s a bit of a risk with Trunks. He’s not amazing at cooking or cleaning, but he’s willing to do his part and he’s more than willing to learn how to cook so he can feed you.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

This is something that would completely wreck Trunks emotionally. He can’t handle saying goodbye to someone like this, so he’d have a really hard time letting you down. It would be heartbreaking and hurtful, and he would probably cry.

He’d probably ask to talk to you privately, but it would be so hard for him to tell you exactly what he’s trying to say. It would come out eventually, but he would be so heartbroken and he’d hate to see your reaction.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

It wouldn’t take Trunks too long to want to settle down and get married, but he wants to get to know you first and truly understand you before he even considers it. He looks at his parents' marriage, and while they seem happy now, it was a little rocky at first. He needs to be sure that you’ll both be happy before getting married.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Trunks is so gentle. He loves caressing you and tenderly brushing stray hairs from your face before he leans in to kiss you. He’s always got his hand on you, just making sure you’re okay or that you know you’re loved. He’s also very gentle emotionally and would rather talk things out with you rather than fighting or arguing.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Trunks adores hugs! He’ll hug you any chance he gets, but mostly when he comes back from fighting enemies or training. His hugs are warm, deep and drawn out. He likes to take you into his arms so that your face is nuzzled into his chest. He’ll soothe his hands up and down your back and just tell you that he loves you.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Awhh, it doesn’t take him that long to confess his love. Once he’s feeling this way, he’ll shyly confess to you. He’ll be all timid and red faced, hoping you love him just the same. It’s adorable and you can’t help but kiss him and tell him you feel the same way.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Trunks hates feeling jealous, but it is something that happens to him if he sees someone hitting on you. It creeps up on him, and he feels like his father all of a sudden. He becomes filled with rage, and he will wrap his arms around you and snatch you away from this person. Sometimes, he may pull you in for a deep and passionate kiss right in front of them too.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are usually soft, sweet and a little chaste. But they can also be passionate, hungry and wanting. They leave you breathless and you are dizzy. He loves to kiss you on the lips, the forehead and some more private places when he’s feeling intimate. Trunks enjoys being kissed on the lips, the neck and the inner thighs.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Trunks is so good with children. He loves children and will help keep them safe and teach them all kinds of things. He was even good with his past self as a baby, so it’s safe to say he would enjoy having his own kids one day.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Trunks will wake up before you, and he will cook a small breakfast for you while getting coffee ready. He sets out to train, and he lets you sleep in. When you get up, he’s there waiting for you and serves you your reheated breakfast with a kiss. Then, he showers with you and spends the day cuddling or doing some small chores.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

When Trunks returns home and so do you, you both love to unwind with a nice dinner and some wine maybe. Then, he likes to give you a body massage, that may turn into something more intimate if you let it. Afterwards, you both love watching your favorite TV shows together and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

It may take Trunks a little while to tell you everything about himself, and that’s just because the guy does have a lot of emotional baggage. He would hate to dump every single problem he’s had on you, and he wants you to feel comfortable with him. So, he’ll tell you things from time to time, and on some days when he’s feeling vulnerable, he might confess different things to you.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Trunks has good patience, but he is his father’s son, so sometimes that patience is tested and it could go very badly. He does everything he can to keep it under wraps, especially around you. He doesn’t want to be like his father in that way.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Trunks remembers little things that you’ve said in passing, right down to your third favorite color or the things you love to do at Christmastime. It’s not seldom that he shows up with little gifts that commemorate something you’ve said was a favorite of yours. He loves listening to you talk, and he never forgets any details.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Trunks’ favorite memory is when you both confessed to each other. The way your eyes seemed to sparkle when he told you that he loves you, and the feeling of his stomach flipping over and over...he thought he might puke. But when you leaned up to kiss him, it was the best feeling in the whole world.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Trunks would do anything to protect you. He knows he’s a target to some of the villains in the galaxy, so he would never let anything bad happen to you. He’ll fight anyone who wants to hurt you or give you shit. Trunks wouldn’t mind if you wanted to protect him, but he wouldn’t want you to get hurt if that were to happen.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Trunks tries his best to put lots of efforts into dates and things like that, but sometimes training and fighting gets in the way of things. No matter what, he’ll always treasure your anniversary and unless someone is blowing up the planet, you know he’s going to have something planned for that special day.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Trunks can have a pridefulness and a temper that matches his fathers, and he absolutely hates it that he can get that way. He wants to be a nice and kind person, but his Saiyan blood makes him act that way from time to time. Please forgive him when he does.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He doesn’t really care all that much about looks, but he does enjoy a partner that is willing to put some effort into their hygiene and the way they look. If you dress up for a fancy date, Trunks will be all over you. It doesn’t have to be much, but he always will appreciate the effort.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Trunks would be so lost without you. He needs you by his side to remind him of how good of a person he is. It’s hard for him to keep thinking that he is a good person from time to time, and you always remind him of that fact. He loves you and couldn’t bear being without you.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Trunks is someone who loves to play video games and he gets quite competitive. He’s never really grown out of that, and he would absolutely love it if you challenged him to a two-player game. It would make his night.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Trunks doesn’t like liars, people who are inconsiderate of others feelings and people who are just out to hurt others. He doesn’t like how some people have such hatred in their hearts and can’t control it.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Trunks is a big cuddler, and he needs to have his arms wrapped around you to sleep soundly. It feels good to have you near, and the way you smell is so comforting to him. It makes him feel safe and secure knowing that you are near him.

[kylosupremeimagines]

Charlie Barber NSFW A-Z

(Special thanks to @driversmutbucket​ for lending me a helping hand with this! I think that the things we did with this turned out great, especially what they wrote!) 

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex) Charlie loves to bask in post-orgasm bliss with you. Just laying together silently, drawing soft patterns on your skin. If it isn’t in the bedroom/home (which sometimes it certainly isn’t), a post-shag cigarette (a social smoker only since Henry was born) or drink at a bar where he can hold your hand and whisper sweet sentiments in your ear. 

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) Charlie is a breast man. He loves grazing his fingers over your clothed breasts discreetly in public. He loves coming up behind you at home and creeping his hands up your top and just cupping them. When you sleep he will spoon you and cradle your tit. When you have sex his mouth and hands are all over them, kneading, sucking, squeezing and flicking your nipples. He will run his cock over them and between them - almost cumming on the spot if you let him titty fuck you. Charlie doesn’t look in the mirror often, he isn’t egotistical about his looks. His favorite body parts of his own are his hands, how big they look against yours, how one splayed covers a lot of your stomach or your ass. How much of your breast he can fit into his grasp. He is very visual, after all. 

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person) Charlie prefers his cum inside you, your mouth, your pussy, your ass, he doesn’t care. But he prefers not to cum on you, or on himself. A neat and tidy person by nature, this extends to his bedroom preferences, having to clean up cum ruins the post-orgasmic bliss. 

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) He would love to have another woman join you in the bedroom but doesn’t know how to ask, just yet. It’s a matter of time before you come across his pornhub history and figure it out. Maybe he will just leave it up purposely for you to find... E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) As much as any typical guy in their mid-30s. He certainly gained experience when he studied performing arts, before meeting his ex-wife. He knows what he is doing, his confidence growing when you give him feedback. F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual) Any position where he can get his hands, or mouth on your breasts. Particularly fond of any variation of cowgirl, on the bed, sofa, chair, floor… G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc) It can go either way with Charlie, sometimes you’ll laugh and giggle like teenagers, especially if fooling around in a public or semi-public place. Other times Charlie can be very serious, whispering sweet declarations of love and affection.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.) Trimmed, neat and tidy, no fro’s to be found here. I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) For the latter years of his marriage, he felt as if his sex life was lacking, and since then he didn’t get much action as he prefers not to have one night stands with people he doesn’t know. But when he gets to know you enough and grows close to you, as soon as you get involved with one another, he’s going to treat you as perfectly as he can. Charlie will fulfill your every sexual need and desire, making sure that you’re as pleased as can be. 

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) Charlie had to rely on masturbation for a while, seeing as how Nicole barely - if at all - satisfied him for about a year before the divorce started. And as soon as it did, he couldn’t really rely on others doing it for him. Thus he resorted to masturbation. He’d mostly do it when Henry isn’t with him at his apartment, and will get really into it. Why not treat yourself right? He’d do everything to get into the mood, such as turn down the lights and put on some of his favorite porn. As he’s actually doing it, it’ll pretty much be what you expect. 

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks) Charlie isn’t heavily into any kinks in particular but is partial to switching, age play, light BDSM and breeding kink. 

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do) Not that he’s too mum of a traditionalist, but Charlie prefers to have sex in his bed, or somewhere around the house when Henry isn’t around. It allows for privacy so that you can get as wild as you want, and there’s no risk of anyone walking in on you. M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) You caring for and nurturing his son, Henry, does things for him. Parenting is important to Charlie because his own parents were absent and problematic. When you treat Henry like your own, it makes Charlie want to rip your clothes off and show you how much he appreciates you. Not to mention knock you up with your own baby.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) He would despise someone who is too self centered and mostly cares about their own sexual needs, and not his own as well. He thinks it’s only fair to be concerned with what you both want. With that being said, he also doesn’t like when his partner is too demanding of him. Of course he wouldn’t mind if you get a bit dominant, but if you don’t let  him have any say from time to time, that’s when he’s going to be turned off. O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) Oh boy, Charlie loves receiving oral,especially with its unexpected and you suddenly are on your knees and pulling at the waistband of his trousers. He also loves eating you out, how his whole mouth can fit over your vulva and your reactions to his tongue. He is skilled at oral sex, especially once he learns what you like. P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.) It all really depends on the mood. Sometimes he will be on the slower side when he just wants to show his love for you. He will cherish every second, being more romantic than usual. Other times when you both really just need it, he will be fast and rough enough to leave you sore in the morning. However, most of the time it will be a good mixture of both. 

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.) Sometimes you’ve just got to settle with a quickie. When it’s needed while either of you are in a rush, then he’s more than happy to do one with you. Even if it’s just quick, he’s still going to be doing wonders to you that will have you wanting more. R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.) After spending the majority of the few years before meeting you in a rocky, mostly sexless marriage, Charlie was making up for it now. Role playing, different fetishes - he would try it, if it wasn’t for you, you would usually fall in a pile in raptures of laughter (like the time you tried to play teacher/student and you couldn’t keep a straight face when you forgot basic times tables). S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…) If Charlie is really into it, then he could go on for a while, no matter how many rounds you want to go for. His desire to satisfy you is more than enough to keep him going in bed. T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?) Charlie doesn’t really like to use toys on himself, because he can handle good old masturbation when it’s just him. However, when it comes to you, if you have any toys of your own, then he’s more than happy to use them on you. If it’s something common like a dildo or vibrator, he probably would know how to use it. If it’s something a little less common, then he may need you to explain how you like it to be used on you. But no worries, in no time he would be able to get the hang of it! U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) He’s teased his son for years to entertain him when things got boring or he wanted to make him laugh, but he can translate that into sexual teasing for you. He won’t ever become too overbearing with it to the point it turns you off. While out in public, he may whisper things to get you in the mood for sex later back at him. Or he’ll teasingly make you wait for intimacy to see how long it takes for you to cave in for it. V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make) When Henry is home, of course he’s going to try to be quiet as to not lead the boy to figure out what’s going on. But when it’s just you two in the apartment, he isn't’t going to hold back. Charlie will moan with every little pleasure, signifying that he’s enjoying what’s happening. He’ll also grunt while he’s the one pumping in and out of you. He’ll also say things such as “you like that?” in a low voice, just barely loud enough for you to hear. W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice) At first, he was worried that he would not be good enough in bed since nicole was the last one that he was intimate with, and it wasn’t the best in his last year of marriage. He was self conscious at first but after the beginning of your sexual relationship, he got right back into it and was more than confident with pleasuring you beyond belief. X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) He is l o n g. Uncircumcised. To be honest he has a really pretty dick, never had you found a penis so blimmin’ appealing. He is the first person you have slept with who has been able to hit that sweet spot. You tell him that all the time, usually in between moans. Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?) Especially after the time he had been without much sex during the last year of his marraige as well as until he got together with you, he’s going to havea pretty high sex drive for a while. He won’t get too crazy and demand it, but you’ll be having sex at least a few times a week if you can manage it; and boy would it be so worth it to be intimate with him.Z =

ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) After Charlie has satisfied you enough, he will want to hold you close and take in the soft moment after having gone full in with sex. Content himself, he will end up falling asleep as long as you’re in bed together, knowing how well things went.

[dreamingoftwistedstars]

Now it’s my turn

WARNING: NSFW, Rocky Horror Picture Show, swearing, poly relationship, smut hinted at, drinking.

Willow had just gotten back from their solo shopping trip. They had plans to take their boyfriend, Asmo, to the human world to see a live showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show (rhps)  after finding out he had never seen it before. They sat on their bed separating out what was for who. They had bought each of them a new outfit to wear for the showing. Willow was used to dressing up in a maid outfit in the past for showings and now wanted to branch out a bit more. 

They laid out a hot pink Basque with a black lace trim with a matching waist garter, thigh high fishnet stockings, 8 inch stiletto heels, and a pair of lacy panties. Making sure to neatly put each item in the bag set aside to present to Asmo. As they set their costume to the side, they heard a knock on the door. “It’s open” they called out not thinking that Asmo would be on the other side of the door. They didn’t get a chance to hide their costume before his eyes focused in on it. “Oh, sweetie what’s this?” He said pulling them into him kissing their head. “It was supposed to be a surprise. I had a date night planned out and this was part of it” Willow said grabbing the bag. His eyes widened as he raised an eyebrow “oh really” his voice dripping with lust. 

“It’s not what you think” Willow said handing him his surprise. “There is more to it I just haven’t finished yet. I’m taking you to a live showing of rocky horror and this is your costume for it. I have a survival kit to go with it I just need to put it together.” Pointing at the pile of random objects strewn around the bed. Asmo carefully examined each article of clothing before smiling “I can’t wait, can I try it on now?” He had already started to undress before they could even respond. “Sure, mine matches yours… Mine just looks like a maid outfit instead, inspired by the character I used to dress as” laughing as they picked up the clothing the demon had dropped on the floor and placing them on the bed. “Show me yours too. I want to see how good we look together” effortlessly clasping the Basque in the back. “Okay, but no pictures until the day of” gathering their costume and starting to put it on “Could you help me clasp this, I can’t quite get it.” Without saying a word he clasps their outfit and turns them around to face him “Oh look at you sweetie, you look amazing. Not as good as me but close” pulling Willow tight against them kissing them deeply.

After the two had changed into more comfortable clothing, Willow went over the audience participation aspect of the show and what to expect. Showing him each item they had gotten for the kits. Suggested that they wear something over the costume and change in the bathroom at the theatre. “It’s going to be a lot of fun. Oh I should show you the dance before we go, granted they tell you what to do but It’s still fun” Willow prepped the music and showed them what the dance looked like before laying down on the bed and Asmo laying down next to them placing his head on their chest.

Just so you know it is customary for a person who has never seen the show to dawn a V on their forehead in lipstick. If you’re okay with it I’ll put it on at the theatre. I’ll be taking your rhsp virginity” Willow said with a sly smile. “Oh really now?” Nearly purring at Willow pulling them onto their side and into his chest. “Yes, but lets save this energy for the show, we’re going tomorrow night” they said pulling away so they could put the stuff away so it didn’t get lost or ruined. 

The next night Asmo and Willow got ready together, and begrudgingly made sure Asmo had something on over the costume. “It’s October in the Human world, where we are going might get cold. Put something on please, you can borrow that skirt you like so much” Willow said throwing their boyfriend ‘the look’ from over their shoulder putting on a button up dress. Making sure to leave the top two buttons undone, and adjusting their breasts to spill out over the top of the top of the Basque. Walking over to the bed Willow put both kits in their purse and steadied themself to put on their heels, grateful that they were able to be just slipped on and off. “Oh right I also bought us some flats in case we didn’t want to wear heels on the way home” shoving two pairs of rolled flats into their purse making sure to put them where they could be reached quickly. 

heading down to speak with Lucifer before leaving, He was being his normal self listing off ground rules for being up in the human world. Like no hunting humans, try to not get into fights, don’t go into demon form. Giving Willow a quick hug before sending them off. As they approached the venue Willow pulled out a couple small bottles of liquor and handed one to Asmo and downing their own trying not to make a face, then seeing Asmo not even flinching as he downed his in one pull. “Here I’ll take the bottle, we can recycle it at the theatre.” Asmo handed Willow the small bottle, after they put it away he grabbed their hand and held it tight as they walked down the street making sure to swing their arms back and forth slightly as they walked. 

“Do you remember the audience participation bits?” Willow asked as they got in line to get tickets. “Of course” he responded nudging them with his elbow. As they got closer to the ticket booth they noticed a sign alerting those in costume about discounted tickets. Making a beeline to the bathrooms to undress, they met back up to get in line for tickets as Willow shoved their clothes into the bag “This is why I carry such huge purses” they chuckled softly making sure to grab the lipstick he had shoved in there earlier. As soon as they got into the theatre Willow turned to Asmo “Are you ready for the first ritual?” They asked slyly guiding Asmo over to a bench next to a few other people in costume. Nodding his head as he sat down leaning back against the wall. Willow put their finger under his chin and lifted his head up as they opened the lipstick and marked a V in the middle of his forehead, before kissing the mark. 

“There” as they helped Asmo up “Now can I get my picture with you?” He asked pulling out his phone “Of course” they took several photos together along with others who happened to be around. Willow handed Asmo his kit as they sat down in their seats and getting theirs ready. Glancing over at Asmo as they both shouted during audience participation parts made Willow smile interlacing their fingers with his. A smirk appeared on his face as he dragged them to the isle so they could dance together. As the show reached the end they could hear a small sniffle next to them, looking over they could see Asmo had started to tear up a bit handing him a small tissue, he gave a small smile then took their hand squeezing it gently. 

They ended up texting Lucifer from the bathroom because it had started to snow and neither was prepared for that type of weather. As they waited for Lucifer to respond Willow asked what he thought of the show and if he would go again, next time he could potentially be dishing out the forehead V’s instead. “Of course I’d come again. As long as I come with you” kissing their cheek as he spoke. Willow’s phone lit up with a text from Lucifer saying the portal was ready for them. When they entered the House they were still in costume. The oldest eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head when he looked at Willow. “What the fuck are you wearing Will?” He asked. “It’s part of the experience, besides you know you like it. If you want you can come with us next year” they said throwing sass into their tone. 

Shaking his head as he walked away Lucifer just grumbled under his breath and walked into his study. “Come on Will, let’s go start our night routine” grabbing Willow’s ass as he wrapped his arms around their was making them walk forwards towards his room with them. “I’ve had to see you in this all night, do you know how hard it was for me to keep my hands off you, now let me make you feel good” he said as he guided them into the room shutting the door behind them. 

[the-ghost-and-the-writer]

NSFW Alphabet-Chris Argent

As evidenced, I may have a thing for older guys with emotional problems and blood on their hands. Like my personal tumblr isn’t entirely daddy issues

18+ F!Reader

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He’s quite tender with you afterwards, his voice not going above a mutter as he lies beside you and trails his fingers up and down your body to make sure you enjoyed it

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He loves your hands. He loves holding them, kissing your fingers, feeling you stroke his cheek or down his neck and over his chest. He’s fairly obvious about it as well, since he never leaves without kissing your hand and he’s always searching for your hand to hold even in your own home

Because of the attention you give, he has a preference for his arms and his shoulders. It ties in with his love of your hands and how you trail your touch across his shoulders and down his arms sometimes when you talk to him. He also loves sneaking up behind you and scooping you up in his arms to scare you, since it’s just an excuse to pick you up and feel you

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He’s a traditional guy, he doesn’t want to mess you up unnecessarily so he’ll either cum inside you or in your mouth

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

It’s not a secret that he doesn’t like how Peter Hale looks at you and acts with you, more than once have you had to calm him down from going all Rocky Balboa on Peter’s face. What he hasn’t told you is that there are times he wants to tie Peter down and fuck you in front of him, just so the wolf can get it through his head that there is no chance

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Having been married once, though it not ending well, and an unknown amount of people both before and after that, he has got a fair bit of experience so he very much knows how to make your toes curl

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Though of course he loves any position that allows him to see your face, he has a weak spot for taking you from behind and he’ll take every opportunity to bend you over any available bit of furniture

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Most of the time, it’s serious from the second you kiss to the instant you catch your breath when you’re finished, because he wants you to be sure that he is genuine about your relationship

Other times, more adrenaline-fuelled after dealing with the Typical Shit™, the two of you are so desperate and clumsy that it’s only inevitable that you’ll end up in a giggling fit

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He’s quite well-groomed down there, more out of his comfort than vanity. He doesn’t like being too dirty so he usually shaves or at least trims it down there

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

Chris loves being intimate. Taking his time with you, to focus on just being together, is one thing he gets particularly riled up for because he can just forget the bullshit and be with you.

Any time you have sex could be intimate and romantic, regardless of where you are. A few times in his car have been the more romantic times together

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He doesn’t do it much, preferring to have your touch than his own, but there are times when he can’t ignore his need and you’re not there

When he does jerk off, he thinks of all the things he wants to do to you when he gets you alone

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He has the expected ones for someone like him (bondage, blindfolding, etc) but he wouldn’t count those as his favourite kinks. Roleplay and exhibitionism would be his main depravities

Roleplay; It doesn’t have to be going all out, costumes and a fucking plot idea, but he does find a kick to playing out scenarios that wouldn’t be possible otherwise. It can be ridiculous little ideas like you being a rogue hunter who kidnaps him and uses him for whatever you want, as long as you’re into it as much as he is then it’s amazing.

Exhibitionism; He’ll never do it with you anywhere that you could get into too much trouble or anywhere too out in the open but the idea of getting caught or being watched with you is a thrill. In his car at the side of the road in the middle of the night, or in a room with the door only a bit open when people are in the house, in the woods, he’ll have you anywhere as long as you’re down for it. If anyone does end up catching you, it’s only an issue to him if it is for you.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

As mentioned above, he will take you anywhere he can, especially when you have to keep yourself quiet.

His favourite place is probably your bedroom though. It’s private and personal and he feels like he can be more attentive and emotionally exposed

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

You purposefully teasing him will always turn him on, from what you’re wearing to the tone of your voice and how you touch him so casually. But you teasing him always gets you some of it back, even before you get down to it

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He’d never hurt you, even if you suggest it. Minor things, like gripping your wrists tightly or fucking you hard enough for it to ache or spanking you with his hand, he’s open to but he wouldn’t use anything like a paddle or (god forbid) a whip on you.

Also, any cutting or marking is off the table. He has, on occasion when you’re roleplaying, brought out a knife to put against your skin but he wouldn’t ever cut you even slightly. It’s the same when the roles are reversed; he has far too many cuts and scars from his work anyway and he doesn’t see how it can be arousing

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Chris fucking adores eating you out, you don’t even need to ask half the time. If he doesn’t get a taste of your pussy at least once a week then he will make up for it the next week for definite. His favoured way of waking you up is with his tongue on your clit

Of course, like most guys, he has a love of getting your lips around his cock and he is very vocal about how good it feels

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Most of the time, he does go quite rough and though he tries to keep it slow he does lose the control towards his end

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He usually only suggests a quickie if he really can’t handle your teasing any longer or it’s been too long since you’ve had the chance to spend time together, so he doesn’t see them as on the same level of proper sex. They’re just a temporary outlet.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Risk is the norm for him, in pretty much every aspect of his life, so of course he’s down to experiment unless it has the chance of hurting you

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He has the control down to the point where one round could last almost an hour if need be and he can usually go for two rounds which is more than enough for him to make sure you get yours

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He has a few, in the dark recesses of his closet. Mostly bondage stuff like soft rope or silk, cuffs, blindfolds and a gag that rarely gets used because he loves to hear you. He has a vibrator as well that he loves to use on you when you’re tied to the bed.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Oh he loves it. He loves to tease you before you’re even in private, usually by tracing patterns against your back and muttering dirty into your ear or pulling you to his chest and complimenting you with that underlying intent and a dark look in his eye

When you get into bed, he’ll tease with almost touches that only just skim past your sweet spots and kisses up your thighs only to skip right over your pussy and travel up your stomach.

On occasion, when he uses a toy on you, he’ll build you up to the peak and then pull back totally until you can’t hold out any longer and every breath is a beg to let you cum

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

With his risky fucks, in hallways and other such places, he keeps his noise limited to growls or grunts since he doesn’t want to be caught that much

Alone, however, with no risk of being caught or heard, he doesn’t bother to hold anything back. He’s not loud, but he’s vocal. He’ll moan your name and praises and he has no shame with you.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

The two of you have been caught a few times in the car by Sherriff Stilinski. The first time, he let you both go with a warning and since then it’s just been increasingly exasperated encounters.  Thankfully, with his friendship with Chris and knowing how embarrassing it would be, he’s never formally charged you with anything. Yet

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Daddy is thicc. He’s got a big one, thick to the point that he has to be careful for the first few thrusts until he’s sure you’re open enough

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He wants you every day, in every way. And he can be so apparent with it, especially in the mornings. No matter how sleepy and foggy-minded he is, every morning he’ll press up against you and try to start the morning off right.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He stays awake until you’re asleep, long enough to make sure you’re safe and comfortable because his life has caused some paranoia and the last thing he will ever do is risk your safety

Requests are still open for more. Also tag lists; if you want me to tag you in my filth then please tell me, it will make me feel like a real human being

[worangetravellertravels]

Will We Continue Our Dance?

It has been a very rocky journey, plagued with dangers and harm but the archeologists couple had finally made it to the final door.

In front of them there was a tiny door. and to the sides of the door two paintings with drawing and figures on them, two people doing synchronised poses from each extreme to the room to meet at the door in the center with their pinkies touching right in the center of the door. And atop an inscription in an ancient language they knew, and roughly translated to: “Those that wanna reach the future and treasure of the temple must dance the dance of trust, synchronising their movements and joining together at the very end”.

The instructions seemed simple. But performing it was not. During their first attempt the older partner (that was tall) made all his movements  robotically and following his own tempo. While the younger partner (that was small) did all his movements second guessing himself, tripping a few times and by the time they should touch their pinkies in the door he broke his finger for how fast he shove the finger there.

They tried again, and again, and again, but always there was a mistake: the told one was too slow, the small one was too fast, the tall one didn’t made one pose, the small one trip on his own feet... and always at the very end the couple would never join their pinkies right. It was clear that this “dance of trust” was just a way to show how coordinated they could be... or was something else there?

“This is why we never dance, huh?” laughing awkwardly and sadly the small one during a break they took since they were tired. “You know I’m just not good around people, and you have never asked me to dance at home” answer the tall one in an unintended offended voice. “Sorry” said the small one with a cracked voice.

It had been like this for a while. Both partners verily spoke to each other except for small stuff or to say they loved each other... and even that was lately sounding like an automated response. The truth was that both have worries of being unworthy of the others love... and both expressed it in probably the worst way imaginable... the tall one put himself in harms way always for the small one, while the small one did all the tall one said without hesitation.

It was attempt number... even if i wanted i lost track to be honest. Where they finally touch their pinkies correctly. But nothing happened... probably one missed a pose in the middle and no one noticed but suddenly that spark the small one’s anger and frustration over this and a discussion errupted. “Why were they there?” “Why bother with this?” “It was your idea to search for this treasure?” and a ton of complains back and forth came along until it finally happened.

“CAN YOU STOP THINKING IM SOMEONE WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE?” said the small one.

Even thought most of their time at the room they haven’t spoken. The silence felt now was unimaginably worse.

Tall: “B-but... you’re worthy of my love. Haven’t you seen how much i’ve risked my life for you in our journey?”

Small: “Don’t lie to me... I knew from even before we started dating. You’re a danger seeker, a thrill searcher... the rush of doing so many dangerous things IS what you love... I just tagged along becuase I thought I could handle it... and I can’t... I just... can’t”

T: “Huh, finally FOR ONCE you’re speaking your mind. You know how infuriating is having your partner being afraid of who you are? And dont even try to say anything I see you babbling there. You’re afraid of me! That’s why you never speak up and go all submissive and while it’s sometimes cute it’s also frustrating! I’m not dating a doll am I?”

S: “AND ME? AM I DATING YOU OR IM THE THIRD WHEEL IN YOUR DATES WITH DANGER!?!?!?! ... Am I just a catalyst for your feels of adventure?”

The very first time they spoke so honestly... both shaking and in rage, no not rage... fear. Fear of what comes next after that. And it was at that time they saw a writting on the door right in the center with two hand symbols away from each other. The writitng said: “If all this is too much for you two, and you don’t dare to continue, show your resolve and each walk their separate ways.”

Both via pure instinct put each a hand in a symbol. Which opened two doors, each on the lateral walls of the room and as part as possible of each other they would be since they have been together. The option was clear.

 The both stand up with their minds playing diferent ideas in their heads. Their fears, theirs struggles, theirs dreams, their... love.

They looked at each other in the eyes...

...

Notes:

A story made with thoughts on basically Yuri and Sayori’s relationship at @ask-sayori-ddlc but also basically has a story of how partners can distance each other without knowing.

Part of me wants to say “I’m leaving it ambigous for the sake of YOU picking your path” ... but NAH! the message while important must have a destination SO:

If you would keep trying to open the main door, this is your ending

If you think you had enough, this is your ending

CHOOSE WISELY or pick both so you can see the whole picture

Now read the story again but listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzhLsiH9OBI  (Steven Universe - Be Wherever You Are - Instrumental)

[dreamin-of-somewhere-else]

The Novaks: The One With The Two Men At The Diner

The Novaks Masterlist

Characters: Castiel, Michael, Lucifer, Raphael, Gabriel x sister!reader

Words: 3000+

Warnings: Swearing, mean comments, hints at violence, otherwise not that bad.

A/N: Soooooo, I’ve been watching so much Shameless this past week, it’s crazy. (SPN forever though!) I said it inspired the last fic, but maybe it inspired this one as well. This is pretty different and it’s an AU! The angels are humans.

Also, I’m thinking about making more parts of this, if you like it. So if you want more, let me know - and your request is my demand. I’ll tell you more about it later, if it follows through. Also, I tagged less people in this one since I didn’t know who’d want to read this. But, I still included all of the SPN (Sisfic) Taglist since it’s not only for Winchester!sister fics. Although, feel free to ignore as always! Hopefully I didn’t bother anyone.

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Your family is just a little bit different from the average. A few more kids, and few less parents. Okay, well, no parents and six siblings. It’s a long story, but you get by surprisingly well.

Sometimes at least.

Oldest in the family (except for your absent dad who no one has seen in years) is Michael. Kind of a douchebag, he definitely thinks he knows it all. Self-claimed leader of the family. He’s 22 and the one that brings home the most money through his work at the local car repair garage as a mechanic — and therefore, he’s not someone you would want to mess with. Well, that and his slight anger issues. It isn’t confirmed that he has them, but if anyone could get mad, it’s Michael. All of you other siblings have respect for him. He can definitely be intimidating, and to be honest — you’re kind of scared of him. Everyone except for the second to oldest sibling in the family…

Which is Lucifer. He’s often the only one who stands up to Michael, and the two of them can fight like nobody else. Lucifer — or Luci as you like to call him to his dismay — is one sarcastic bastard that the rest of you kind of avoid or are constantly annoyed at. Like his older brother, Lucifer can get really furious, and everyone in the family know this. He’s the wildcard, amazingly manipulative and often gets in trouble. Luci is also winning the game of who gets arrested the most — which is quite a lot of times, especially since he’s only 21 years old.

Next up is Gabriel, or Gabe, who thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. He’s 20 years old and seemingly always present, trying to talk to you about nothing, especially when you’re doing something important. He’s also so good at convincing that you don’t even know what you’re agreeing to in the end. Definitely a prankster, which gets him in trouble at times, but you can’t say he doesn’t come up with some of the most creative solutions to them.

Balthazar is the fourth one. Hard to keep track of yet? Balt is 19 and pretty much Gabriel’s sidekick, maybe not always by choice. He thinks he’s above Gabriel’s pranks though, that’s what he says officially, at least. They rarely do, but when they fight, they can freeze each other out for a good week — no problem. Balthazar is sarcastic as well (seems to be a family trait) and pretty damn smart.

Then there’s Castiel although you always call him Cas. He’s 18 and can be pretty quiet — calm — and sometimes quite awkward around other people. He’s different in his own, amazing way. If anyone could space out for an hour, it’s Cas. He’s very book smart, with a spectacular memory, but not street smart at all. Although calm, he can get fiercely overprotective of you, and sometimes he can even be sassy. You love those times, because there’s nothing funnier than sassy Cas.

And then finally, it was you. Youngest of six siblings and the only girl. You’re 17, about to be 18, and there’s less than a year between you and Cas. Your relationship with your brothers varies, but you and Cas always had each other’s backs. You two are the second dynamic duo of the family.

Looks wise, you siblings aren’t all that alike. The only parent either of you share is your father, which left you as half siblings. That’s why you’re all close in age as well.

Your dad had never been in the picture, at least not for you, who are the youngest. You don’t have a clear memory of him either, although you remember Michael telling you once that ’of course he’s coming back, (Y/N)’, when you had asked. Michael is the one that had been closest with your dad — from what you had gathered growing up — and some part of him still believes that he’ll walk through the door again. But to you, your dad’s just the person who gave you your genes and last name.

You Novaks don’t exactly have a great reputation either. ’The kids with the weird-ass names.’ You are scapegoats, and if one of you got in trouble, all of you’re all blamed. People call you names — one of them is ”the crazy sextuplets” or some shit like that, since the age difference between you is so small.

You’re not liked. You don’t have a lot of money. But you get by. You always do, somehow. It’s a rocky and crazy ride, but you get forward. And that’s what matters, right?

”Are you lost in thought again, (Y/N)?”

”What?” You ask, brought back to the moment as your eyes shot to Castiel walking besides you.

It’s fall and getting colder by each day that passes. Today, it’s almost at the point where your breath comes out as a misty cloud in front of your face as you speak. The trees are getting barer and barer, the ground more and more decorated with yellow, red and brown.

Castiel’s ocean blue eyes are eyeing you carefully, a small smile on his face.

”I thought so.” He snickers.

”Hey, if anyone can space out it’s you, dear Cas.” You retort, pointing a finger at his chest.

”I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Castiel shrugs it off, looking innocent as you pass the gate and walk up the stairs to the small porch of your worn house.

You roll your eyes at that, but the conversation is lost as you walk through the front door.

”What the hell, Gabe? I’m gonna kill you!”

Balthazar’s angry shout is what greets you as you enter the house. Castiel and you share a look just as Gabriel comes running down the stairs, taking three steps at once, Balthazar hot in his tracks.

”It’s just a prank!” Gabriel shouts back as he runs, a little breathless but grinning largely.

”It’s not funny, that’s what it is,” the younger brother retorts as he continues on chasing the laughing Gabriel, even as he opens the backdoor and runs outside.

You and Castiel don’t even comment it. It’s the usual. You just take off your jackets and shoes, and drop off your bags on the floor.

”Are you working tonight?” Castiel then asks over his shoulder, as he walks further into the house.

”Cas, when I’m a not working?” You reply a little bitterly.

”You work too much.”

”Maybe,” you shrug, beginning to walk up the stairs. ”But we’re still behind on the electricity bill, aren’t we?”

A little over one hour later you’re at the diner you work at. Well, dinner and bar, it’s some sort of mix between the two. Although some nights are better than others, you don’t like this job. It’s not because of the place itself or your boss — it’s the people who came here. Hell, the people who live in this part of the town.

And although you’ve only been here for 20 minutes, you already know it’s going to be one of the worse work shifts.

”Hey, girl!”

You slowly turn around, facing the table with the pair of middle aged men. You know who they are, they don’t come here all that often, but they live in the area. Walt and Roy, you think. You’re unsure if they recognize you.

You walk over. ”Yeah?” You ask, tone light in contrast to theirs.

”We’ll have two more beers,” one of them speak up. The man has tattoos, a beard and is wearing a trucker cap. ”Also, four dollars each? I don’t think so. More like two.”

You swallow. ”That’s how much they cost. Sorry.”

”Who are you?” The other then asks, and you don’t like the change of subject. This man squints his cold eyes at you, eyeing you from head to toe.

You don’t answer, instead you focus on writing down the two beers on your small note pad, pretending to not have heard the question.

”You’re one of those Novak kids, aren’t you?” He finally decides, scoffing before he takes a last sip out of his current glass of beer, emptying it. ”How many are you anyways? 11? 15? Like rats or something.”

His friend scoffed. ”I think a Novak kid stole my wife’s bike the other day.”

You frown, biting the inside of your cheek and hating how he just assumed that without any sort of evidence. It’s just fine to blame it all on you, isn’t it?

”I don’t think so,” you disagree, although you keep yourself calm. Both of them are taller and broader than you, and although you know how to fight — kudos to your brothers — you can’t take on them both at the same time.

”I do,” the same man responds, voice angry. ”I know how you can make it up to me though,” he then continues on as his eyes darken and a disturbing smile spreads on his face. ”Come and meet me outside later in the alley, huh?”

”No.” You shake your head.

”Fine, bitch.” He scoffs, obviously angry to be turned down, his tone venomous. ”I don’t want no Novak anyways, you guys are just pieces of shits.”

At his words, you feel tears burning in your eyes. Not wanting them to see, you whip around and storm out of there. You continue into the kitchen where you run into Rufus, the owner of the diner.

”(Y/N)?” He asks, frowning, but doesn’t get further.

”Sorry, Rufus, but I can’t.” You respond quickly, eyes wild, trying to keep yourself together.

You take off your apron while you keep moving, placing it on a countertop as you pass, and walk out into the cold night.

When you arrive back at your house 30 minutes later, you feel frozen to the core. You’re chattering teeth, chills creep up and down your back and wrapping your arms as closely as you can around yourself doesn’t help.

All the time you were walking, you couldn’t keep your mind off what had happened. You hate this. The way people treat you; it’s tiring and you’re exhausted.

When you close the door behind you, you don’t bother to call out a ’hello’ or even ask if anybody’s home. Someone always is, and that someone would have heard the door closing.

As you angrily kick off your shoes, someone approaches you, silhouette stark against the yellow lightning coming from the kitchen.

”(Y/N)?”

”Mike.”

”Your shift isn’t supposed to end for two hours.” Michael states, squinting his eyes at you suspiciously.

”I know,” you answer simply as you try to push past your oldest brother to the stairs so that you could just go to your room. ”Is Cas home?” You then ask, switching the subject.

”No, he’s out tutoring that Fitzgerald kid.” Michael grabs your wrist as you pass him, forcing you to a stop. ”The question is why you’re home.”

His expression morphs into that one he wears when he’s about to scold you. There’s really no doubt that Michael loves being the authority of the family.

”Okay, if you really wanna know, there was some asses at the diner and I didn’t want to be there anymore.” You rant, eyebrows knitting on your forehead.

You see Michael’s jaw clench, even in the poor lightning.

”We need that money, (Y/N).” His gaze bores into you.

”Don’t you think I know that? Now, let me go!” You try to pull your arm towards yourself but he holds on.

”I don’t think you do.” Michael shakes his head.

”Let me go!” You argue, not wanting to talk about this with him at all. You just wish Cas would come home soon, and until then, you would just sit in your room.

”What’s going on?” A new voice chimes in and both yours and Michael’s head shoot to the source of the sound.

It’s Gabriel, and he looks from you to Michael and then back to you, unsure.

”He won’t let me go.” You say, glaring at Michael, who glares back.

Gabriel sighs, strides over and pushes Michael away from you, who reluctantly lets him, still keeping his icy stare on you.

As soon as his grip’s gone, you bolt up the stairs. You clearly hear the thuds of footfalls behind you, following you, but you don’t care. Instead, you rush into your room and throw yourself on the bed, clutching your pillow and squeezing it as hard as you can, trying to let off some steam at least. Poor pillow.

You’re left alone for a little while, before there’s a knock on the door. You stay silent, but it opens nevertheless — just as always — to reveal Gabriel and Balthazar, the former obviously having gone to get his sidekick.

Within a few seconds you found your self surrounded by your big brothers, one sitting on either side of you on your bed.

Balthazar wraps his arm around your shoulders. ”So what has lil sis’ feeling like this?”

”It’s nothing,” you answer, looking away.

”If it was nothing you wouldn’t be trying to kill your pillow.” Gabriel’s eyes rest on the pillow in your arms, and you glare at him, letting it go.

”Fine, there were some assholes at the diner. Talked some major shit about our family, then proceeded to accuse us of stealing some bike and then he tried to get me to ’meet him outside in the alley’ to make up for it.” You sigh.

”Shit,” Balthazar mutters to himself, hugging you closer at the same time.

To your right, Gabriel only seems to clench his fists tighter and tighter.

”Then I rushed out, and now I don’t know if I have a job anymore. Michael’s gonna kill me.”

”Don’t worry about Mike,” Balthazar reassures you. ”He’ll come around, and if he don’t we’ll handle it.”

”Really?” You ask, looking into his eyes.

”Do I need to pinky promise you?”

You roll your eyes, but smile.

”But, I think we need to get some revenge.” Gabriel speaks up. ”And then you can talk to your boss as well, while we’re there—”

He never gets to finish his sentence because someone else interrupts him.

Standing leaning against the door frame — arms casually crossed over his chest — is Lucifer.

”Anyone we need to beat up?” He asks, raising one eyebrow.

”Yes,” Gabriel responds, and you know that there’s no stopping them now.

”Lovely,” Lucifer nods, smirking in a way that only he can. ’The Luci-grin' as you call it.

”Come on then,” Balthazar states as he and Gabriel grab one of your hands each and pull you up from the bed.

Together you return to the first floor where Michael spends most of his time. Lucifer takes the lead and walks into the kitchen where he finds said brother.

”Brother, we’re going to restore our family’s and our sister’s honor. Wanna come with?” He offers, gesturing with his hands.

”What are you proposing, Lucifer?” Michael asks, rising an eyebrow. ”Explain.”

”(Y/N), tell him.” Lucifer orders, without taking his eyes off Michael. ”Tell him what they said.”

You sigh, not really wanting to, but then you tell him, quoting the men by their exact words. In the end you also added that you’re going to talk to Rufus once you get back to the diner, see what damage has been done and if you get to keep your job after the rage quit, basically, as further encouragement for Michael to come with — but it’s not need,  your big brother is already mad enough.

Despite your differences, there’s one thing your brothers and you can agree on: nobody messes with a Novak.

”I’m in.” Michael clenches his jaw along with his fists — just like Gabriel had done — as he nods, standing up from his chair at the dining table. ”Let’s go.”

”Great,” Lucifer smirks and goes to grab two baseball bats from a basket under the stairs, originating from the time when Michael and he had played the sport.

He keeps one for himself and tosses the other one to Balthazar, who catches it effortlessly.

Just as the whole party moves towards the front door, Castiel enters the house, blue eyes going round as saucers when he sees his siblings; angry with two bats, on the move.

Gabriel is the first one to speak up.

”Hey, little bro! Right on time, we were just leaving.” He says, and with that, everyone starts moving again, walking past the youngest brother and out the door.

”What’s going on?” Castiel then asks you, looking confused as he wraps his hand around your forearm.

”I’ll tell you on the way,” you respond and walk out the door to keep up with the rest of the family.

He follows you outside, once again out in the cold evening. It’s even darker and colder outside now, but you aren’t thinking of it as much this time since your walking along with your five older brothers and not alone.

Soon you’re back at the diner, walking inside as a group. The two men are still there, laughing loudly over cigarettes, drunker than before. You don’t even have to tell your brothers, they can see it on your face that these are the two they came looking for.

”Wait—” you utter just as Lucifer takes the lead, about to walk up to them.

”We’re just gonna talk,” he assures, bat resting on his shoulder. Before you can answer, he along with Michael, Gabriel and Balthazar start moving again.

And although you don’t exactly want the two scumbags dead, the looks of fear on their faces as they spotted the gang of young men approaching them were priceless. You wish you could’ve taped it and watch it on replay, over and over again.

Castiel lingers by your side, and you share a look as you do ever so often.

”I’m going to talk to Rufus,” you tell him, and he nods, following you as you make your way over to the owner of the diner, a man in his fifties.

”(Y/N), what happened?” Are Rufus’s first words when he catches sight of you, confusion in his ebony eyes.

You explain the situation without going into too much detail.

”I’m sorry, I completely understand if you don’t want me working here anymore…” you finish, voice small.

A hand touches your shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, and you know it’s Castiel.

”Don’t worry, girl, I ain’t letting you go. I have a non-tolerance for that type of bullshit crap in my diner anyway. I would throw the sorry excuses of men out of here, if it wasn’t already taken care of.” He says, referring to the commotion that’s now moved outside of the building.  

A smile spreads on your face, relief settling in. ”Thank, Rufus.”

”No problem. But next time, talk to me first and I’ll handle it. There’s a lot of pigs around here, and if your brothers gotta beat them up every time, they’ll be regulars.”

A small chuckle escapes your mouth. ”Yeah, you’re probably right.”

”I’m always right,” he smiles, white teeth a contrast against his deep skin tone.

You laugh again. ”So, I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

”I’m not expecting any less,” he responds, and that settled it.

”Great,” you smile, before turning around to Castiel, who’s smiling too.

You hold up your hand, and he gives you a high five. You had thought that that might have been it, but instead you got to keep your job and Rufus had proven to be someone you could trust at least to some extent, which is definitely a win-win.

You and Castiel walk through the now calm and empty diner, and out the door, the small bell ringing as you did. Outside, your brothers are waiting, faces lightly tinted pink from the light of the red neon sign on the diner’s facade.

There’s no sign of the men, and your siblings look sort of unfazed, like nothing’s happened.

When you join them, Balthazar leans closer to you.

”Not dead, but severely humiliated. Probably won’t come back,” he informs you, contently.

”Thanks for having my back, guys.” You smile, looking from one brother to the other. ”I mean it.”

”No problem, lil sis.” Gabriel ruffles your hair. ”Our pleasure.”

Tell me what you thought! Should I write more? If enough people think so, I will. I already have some ideas how to do this, so yeah :)

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For some reason I’m able to tag less and less people on this list. I don’t know if people are changing their urls, or deleting their blogs, or something’s not working. 

Anyways, as always, if you want on or off the taglist(s), just send me an ask! If you change your url and still want to be tagged, please tell me! It’s REALLY hard to keep track of.

[kentkennyradcliffe]

Movies

There are few movies that affect a culture, or a people, the way movies affect me. Movies can have a huge affect a single person. Each person has their own story, and movies play a part of their story. A movie could have shaped someone growing up, or a movie could be a reminder of a happy time, or a movie could change how someone thinks about life, their morals, or themselves. Moulin Rouge, The Basketball Diaries, Jesus Christ Superstar, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and V for Vendetta.

I saw Moulin Rouge on VH1 one Wednesday night while my parents were out at one of their nightly parties. They would not let me watch VH1, because my parents tried to protect me from the world and shelter me. I guess they felt like by protecting me, I would not end up like them. So naturally, I rebelled against them. It was in small ways at first, like by watching VH1, but it was an escape for me. My reality was boring, and Moulin Rouge offered some fun. I became obsessed with the movie, hoping it would be on again so I could watch it. I had never seen anything like it. There was love and lust, two things that I had no idea about at such a young age, and a strong sexual feeling about the movie that excited me. I saw the love between Christian and Satine and wanted to feel that way. I convinced myself that love could only be as strong as theirs, and that I would find it someday.

 Nicole Kidman played Satine, a very sexy, seductive woman who could have anyone she wanted, because she was the diamond of the Moulin Rouge. She wanted to be a star, it was her dream, and she was willing to sell herself sexually to get what she wanted. I was fascinated with the lifestyle she chose, and the reasons why she chose it. The psychology of her character interested me, and I felt so much sympathy for her throughout the movie, especially how she died.

 Love was never really taught to me but watching Moulin Rouge gave me an idea of what Love should be like. I learned about secrets and how you should never trust a woman or man that says they feel something towards, because they could be deceiving you, especially if you can offer them something. It taught me about knowing the signs that your relationship is based on lies. The Duke had no idea that Satine was with the writer, Christian. The scene when one of the dancers comes up to the Duke and says, “I can't believe she would fall in love with the writer, oops, I mean the sitar player.” The Duke starts to realize everything he believed was a lie. So, before opening night, he makes them change the ending so that Satine’s character, the Courtesan, chooses the Maharashtra (representing the Duke), instead of the penniless sitar player (representing Christian.) It was the Duke’s way of showing power. Satine decided to give into his power struggle and made herself look like she loved the Duke. She must sleep with him to get all she wanted, which was fame and fortune. Christian cannot stand the thought of his lover sleeping with The Duke, and he his jealousy drives him mad. Satine is faced with a decision to go with the Duke or choose Christian. This is the moment when I felt the strongest connection to the movie because I felt like I was in a struggle like that also.

 Over the summer of 2010, I was very depressed and using movies to make myself feel better. Since my parents had a subscription to Netflix, and I had a Wii, I could instantly stream movies anytime I wanted. I watched so many movies, but one stood out above the rest: The Basketball Diaries. I knew what the movie was before I watched it, because my friends had recommended it to me. They said I would be able to relate to it. I was dealing with a break up at the time and it was my first full year of being completely sober from the drugs that I did in high school. The movie dealt with drug use and the problems that came with it. Leonardo DiCaprio played a very convincing druggie that started out by just doing simple drugs like pills and little lines of cocaine. There is a scene when he was with his friend and two girls. He got lucky that night with her. It reminded me of the times that I have done the same.

 I love to see strong emotion in a movie that makes me emotional.  If I can watch a movie and relate to it, then I know I love it. I like being reminded of things by watching a movie, even if it is a bad memory. Tears are not bad for me. The Basketball Diaries is one of the few movies that can make me cry. The scene when he goes back to his mother, and pleads for her to let him in, was when I realized this movie was like my life. I started to feel his pain because I knew that pain before. His mother did not want to let him in, and he started to lose control and let his anger out on her. I have hurt my mom many times with the words I have said, so it was hard to watch Leo’s mother cry. The only part I could not relate to was when the police arrested him. I wondered what my life would be like if I had gone to jail.

 I also connected with the movie because it reminded me of my friends and me. We were like a less hardcore version of The Basketball Diaries. It started out with four guys that were all friends, and it shows how each one of them ruined their life. My friends and I were the same, we were just having fun, but like the Basketball Diaries we all lost touch and turned out differently. I am most like Leo because I made it out alive. I was lucky.

 The movie influenced me to write more about what I went through, in hopes that it would help others not make the same mistakes. The end of the movie shows Leo on a stage, telling his story to an audience. He wrote a lot of his experiences in a diary, which is what I do. I have many journals filled with my thoughts, my experiences, my bad memories, and my drug trips. I have shared them with people by putting them on my blog, and I like it when people say that it helps them somehow. I think writing is a great way of sharing personal experiences and letting others read it. It is a way of seeking closure and being artistic. Maybe I could turn it into a movie, like The Basketball Diaries?

 I grew up in a family that had no religion when I was younger, so I did not go to church. I had no idea of God or Jesus. That all changed when I saw the Jesus Christ Superstar. Music is like a lesson for me, I study music and memorize lyrics like they were test questions. I learn more from music than teachers or my parents. The music in Jesus Christ Superstar taught me about Jesus. Though it might not be a literal translation of how Jesus was, I understood his suffering, the angry mob of people who turned against him when they used to believe in him, and how Jesus must have felt when he was in the Garden of Gesimonie. The movie made me unashamed of liking Jesus because he was made into a rock star.

 My favorite scene in the movie is when Jesus was beaten by the 39 lashes as Pontius Pilate is counting them down, and everyone is watching. I loved the acting of the Pontius Pilate. His song after the beating was so powerful. When he sings “Die if you want to, you innocent puppet,” I shiver. It is such a true statement he made, that Jesus was innocent. Plus, Pilate did not want Jesus’s blood on his hands, but he literally, and spiritually did. The idea that Jesus was once immensely popular and everyone loved him, then all of a sudden, they turned against him, was little a lesson to me. I learned that no matter how much fame you have, popularity can always be taken away. Fame is not always permanent, because the people control your popularity. If you die while being famous, you become a martyr. Kennedy was a martyr, Cobain was a martyr, even the kids at columbine were of martyr status, though not in the right way. They were given fame after they shot those kids. If you die after doing something that got the words attention, you are remembered forever. Jesus is remembered forever because of what he did, and the world wrote about it and made Jesus famous. Christianity and Catholicism are some of the world’s leading religions. Jesus Christ Superstar showed me the power one man can have by giving his life for a greater cause.

 Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of those movies that appealed to my curious side. I was a freshman in high school when I saw it for the first time. I was at a party with a lot of misfits, hipsters, and indie kids. I was a part of the emo and scene time, which was my entire high school life. We believed in emocore, which was emotional hardcore, and not being afraid of combining masculine with feminine. Androgyny was normal. Everything that was considered weird by other kids was what we were all about.

 Rocky Horror was something that my high school did not like, because it was full of conservative, religious, assholes, or the kids who followed the rap and hip-hop scene. They knew only black or white, no shade of gray. Rocky Horror Picture show was not a black or white movie, it defiantly blurred the lines of sexuality and masculinity. It was glam rock and musical at the same time. Tim curry’s character, Frankenfurter, was something I had never seen before. I was closed minded about sexuality, and thought men who like men were not tough, and looked obviously gay. When I saw frankenfurter strutting around in his drag and singing to Rocky, I thought he was gay. I did not change this mindset, until I saw him seduce Janice and then her husband. That was when I realized he was bisexual. Bisexuality is something I was interested in when I was in high school, because of the scene I was in. When I saw Rocky Horror though, it blew my mind about sexuality. I still believe that you cannot tell someone’s true sexuality just by looking at them, especially in today’s youth. There are many boys and girls who are straight but can be curious or questioning at one point in their life. For some reason, Rocky Horror is the movie that brought the curiosity out of me.

 Around the same time that I saw Rocky Horror, I saw V for Vendetta also. I was already well spoken about my interest in politics and I was listening to a lot of political punk and rock music. I was reading the book 1984 by George Orwell and got into David Bowie’s Diamond Dogs CD. I had no way of tying it all together, until I saw V for Vendetta. I understood anarchy after seeing that movie. I learned the difference between black flag anarchy and red flag anarchy. V was trying to achieve peace and Unitarianism through anarchy. He saw how corrupt the government was the bad guy in command. V knew that he achieved his level of power by manipulating the system. So, the system was flawed, and V took matters into his own hands. He set the people free by giving them the power.

 My favorite scene in the movie is when you discover what it was like for one the prisoners. The main character is put in a cell and must endure torture and starvation and humiliation. She I treated less than human. V makes her go through the same thing he went through. He lets her find notes in hole from another cell mate, and she reads about that woman's life. The woman was criminalized for being in love with another woman. The woman tells of her childhood and her life with the woman she loved, and the when things went wrong. The way the woman writes is very emotional, with one of the best lines saying, “ Even though I will never meet you, know that I love you.” It gave the main character strength to fight through the pain.

 When she is released from the cell, she finds out that it was V who kept her there. She is forced to deal with her anger and her pain, and it makes her stronger. She proved to V that she was not weak anymore, and that she knew it was right to destroy the government that caused all this suffering. I changed too after watching that. I thought what if I was in the cell, locked up for just being me. I realized I was weak too, and I would have given into the pain. V for Vendetta made me stronger.

  These are the movies that I think helped shaped me into the man I am now.

[hetalis-daily-words-blog]

Feelings

Well, I graduated with my mph. I still feel unfulfilled in my life in terms of: 

-relationships: its been rocky since the start. I’m not sure which direction this will go. but im confident that one day I will find a guy that loves me for all i am and all my flaws and able to life me up and never tear me apart. I want to foster my independence and not lose myself in a relationship again. I want to be able to keep my friends, keep my independence, but just have an addition to the journey of life with me. 

-friendships: I lost a lot of people this past year. For good reason, I think. But I know that friendships come and go. The quarantine ruined my chance to connect more with rajvi, kena, and susmitha. But I know that I will be able to pick things back up very soon. I have to hold on and stop comparing my life to other people. Some people are just not good friends. That’s okay. Stop expecting so much out of people. Your chance to shine will come really really soon. You will attract an amazing group of friends and let your personality shine way sooner than you know it. Let go of the expectations and stop comparing your life to theirs. EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT JOURNEY! You got to explore SO MUCH about yourself. Remember that. I traveled SO MUCH, i enjoyed grad school life and friends, BE GRATEFUL!

-career life: not quite where I thought I would be. but no one is. everyone is just evolving into what theyre supposed to be doing and be. At the end of the day, there is no “right” or “wrong” answer. Sometimes we are redirected in life so that something even better can transform from it. It takes shorter time for some and a longer time for others. Realize everyone has a unique journey and everyone has a unique life purpose. I know I have a higher life purpose where I prioritize my mental health and physical health over stress. I was in horrible condition in college. I finally learned the importance of health in all aspects and can finally see the bigger picture. Like Gary V says, if youre not happy, its not worth it. I will continue to chase my newly formed dreams, my new aspirations, and I know with a positive attitude and determination I will be the most successful version of MYSELF!

I tried anti depressants. I had horrible side effects. In order to get through this hump, I try to think of all that I’m grateful for: my health, my training schedule, all my healthy food I eat including my avocado toast, eggs, wraps, homemade chiptole, protein pasta, protein shakes, etc, how the weather is starting to look up and i’m able to get vitamin D, how i’m reading a book and part of a virtual book club, how i’m taking a course on happiness to better understand my emotions, how i’m finally able to stop being type A and just relax and enjoy every day and watch a new movie every night, how I got closer to priya through this, how i’m able to bring my thoughts and attention back to my breathe and hear the heartbeat in my heart and feel alive, going on daily walks with my parents, etc. I’m super lucky.

[theoriginalivyannazimuth]

Because Reddit is having issues this is my submission to Malicious Compliance. Mostly so I can copy paste it later

Hello reddit, today I will tell you a tale of romance, betrayal, and smipublic streeking.

(WARNING THERE IS A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR THIS SO ITS A LONG POST)

I don't go here much as I usually watch RSLASH and /Start and tend to prefer to lurk rather than post (unless its to promote my youtube) but I thought you may like to hear this, so here I go.

I don't usually put my real name online but some people may know me as LadyAzimuth (hi guys!)

I am 23 and my mother and I have always had a rocky relationship; by which I mean that she was mentally abusive to me and physically to my older sister back in the day. Now not to be rude but my mother has always had some mental problems which is why I ignored a good amount of the BS she did.

When I was young and spending the weekend at my father's i spilled some fries witch ketchup however and immediately began sobbing and apologizing for making a mess and going into full panic attack mode. My father calmed me down and asked me some questions which made me come to the realization that I was being pretty heavily abused by my mother.

Couple that with the many MANY years of physical abuse (I was bi in the late 90s and early 2000s and it wasnt legal to marry where I am until 05 so I got my ass kicked alot) and that made the perfect cocktail of dependence and silence.

My mother would constantly tell me I was being dramatic when I was heavily suicidal, dumb when it turns out i am dyslexic, and a cry baby when I would have anxiety attacks. Of course that all stopped when she got diagnosed for almost everything I have.

This may seem like useless information but I need you to understand why I act the way I am in this situation.

Now I have always been obedient. When her mother died i was in my teens and ended up having to raise my 2 younger siblings while my mom and stepfather were in a different city (will be referred to as L henceforth for privacy )

I ended up doing worse in school (I was already having issues because COULDN'T READ) and having to give up doing karate which was the closest thing to therapy I had. I had gotten a few awards for rising through the ranks quicker than others and my teacher thought I could have been a teacher in a few years time if I had continued the way that I was.

Now note, I never asked for a thank you. I believe that you should do your best to help other when they need it and it is ridiculous to demand thanks for it, but I do expect the base level of respect.

My mother only respects herself and her reputation.

I was working at a famous Canadian coffee shop (the one from the memes, you all know what one) for 2 years and I and everyone else was abused for years at it. I stayed longer than 70% of the people working there. This place was the worst. AC didn't work in the summer and it got to about 45 -50 degrees in there, of course we weren't allowed water breaks.

This place also did not want anyone to ever log their injuries. My friend logged a slip that resulted in her being in a hip brace and they cut her hours from full time to 1 4 hour shift a week for it. It was because of this and my being used to being abused that I didn't log a injury I got while trying to open a stuck fridge door.

I have bad knees so I ended up having them lock up while I tried to yank this door open underneath the deli counter causing my kneecap to pop off and my leg to collapse causing a v shape going outwards with the knee. I can't explain it well, but suffice to say, knees do NOT work that way. This is an injury that causes me pain almost every day of my life now, and because I was bullied into not recording it and it was almost 2 years ago now with everyone who was there having quit, there's nothing legally I can do.

I ended up leaving that place when an older lady who had been written up 7 times and not fired dispute almost attacking customers numerous times, screamed at a customer I was helping causing me to have a panic attack. I went to the back and was having a breakdown when she stormed in, threw the clipboard that holds the schedule at my head and punched a bookshelf beside me. I knew nothing would be done, so I left.

It was freeing for all of 5 minutes. Like a weight off my shoulders. Like when you're in a car crash and when you open your eyes, it was just a fender bender.

And then my mother demanded rent.

I had already paid my rent for the month (it was only about the 5th of April) and she was demanding next months rent "just to be sure"

Of course the next month comes around and she demands more rent, even though I paid in advance and went into debt to do it.

This was the beginning of the end.

My stepfather told her she was being ridiculous and to drop it so I could find work. And she did, for a bit. Now I currently live in K. K is a largish city that's only an hour away from Toronto on the 401 and even with the minimum wage being 14 an hour in Ontario, you still can not afford a 1 bedroom apartment in the ghetto here off 1 persons wages.

On top of that there aren't enough jobs to go around. Every single interview I've gone to has had no less than 5 other people to interview aside from me and that's on the low end.

So I've been jobless since April.

Fast forward a few months and my mother and stepfather break up. She and him had been together for 19 years and she has been cheating on him for 7 moths with her vocal instructor who is also a mutual friend of theirs.

They decide that they want to co-parent as to not disrupt the children's lives. Which would be acceptable if that was the case and not just a cover story so the kids don't worry.

The truth is, my mother sold her share of her company because she (like a whiny child) couldn't get along with her.

I mean admittedly she is a plastic prep who never grew out of it but I digress...

So she sold her part of the company and is taking payments of about 1000 a week for 2 years I think?

Rather than putting this towards the rent, shes been spending money like it's going out of style.

Since then she has bought a grand fucking piano which she's still making payments on, a whole ass horse and is paying for monthly board for her. She eats out nearly every single day and drives across cities numerous times a day in her giant gas guzzling ford truck.

To top it off, she attempted to ride said horse before properly rehabilitating it (it had been neglected and underfed so she was antsy and none of the saddles fit correctly) so it threw her.

Kali, I love you, you beautiful mare you, but you sent my mother to destination fucked, and I don't appreciate it.

She landed on her ankle, shattered it, nearly twisted it off completely and broke the leg bone clean in half. She nearly lost the leg due to infection and 15 months later we are still looking at about 10 more months of recovery if all go's well.

Now just because we live in Canada, doesn't mean this is a cheap endeavor. In fact my step father had to double his workload in the business he owned to make up for it, and the household is still having some issues (I'm not saying we are broke, because the lights are on and everyone is comfortable but we have to live by the dollar at this point.)

So money has been coming up a lot recently and has been another way to demean me and manipulate me and make me feel like trash.

The money is the reason why she want's to co-parent, because otherwise she most likely would not be able to support herself with how shes hemorrhaging money and cant work. (Physically she can, she just would prefer not to and to go out every day and night to party and bang her boyfriend. Did I mention she still hasn't legally divorced my father and still has his last name?

So a week to the day that they made the separation announcement, she gets my stepfather to tell me for her that I have to leave.

Because she wan'ts somewhere to sleep that isn't the couch.

And to "help me out" I could sleep on the couch until I find a place and maybe my family from L can help.

My family who most live off of welfare and minimum wage jobs in the shit end of town.

She didn't tell me when I was to leave, despite me asking her, I assume it was because I can be pretty scary when I am angry and screaming, I'll admit. I learned from my stepfather that I had to be out within the week.

I have to leave, with less than no money because my mother cheated on my stepfather.

Some people wounder what they are worth, money wise. I found out I am worth 500 CAD and some middle aged balding white man dick. How lovely.

So of course I have a total melt down. My friend took me in for a few days because I was on the edge of suicide and still am and couldn't be in the house anymore.

So I've contacted my family in L and am making arrangements to leave and its been a week to the day. Things are slow going as I find someone who can host me on their couch until I get on my feet so I'm on borrowed time.

I got frustrated as since then my mother hasn't said a word to me and has pretended I don't exist so I asked her what the hell she expected from me and how she could act like this.

I got this response. "Just take your shit and go"

OK.

I have a large room, most of the rooms in this house are large so its quite a bit to pack but I've got it more or less.

(Pic here The Packed Room )

In said room I have a lovely wooden bedroom set given to me from my grandmother before she died, as it was in the bedroom I always stayed in when I was at her house. There's a bedside table, bed with a nice head board and a large vanity with a huge mirror.

I never had anything as nice as that before grandmother so I made sure years ago with my stepfather that when I move, its going with me.

On top of that, i have a large old desk that used to be in the office before my stepfather upgraded, a TV which was gifted to me, 8 bookshelves that I saved from being tossed years ago, lovely purple blackout curtains with black flowers on them and a matching lamp and a leather futon couch which is actually quite classy and a PS4,3 and 2. (she occasionally games so I know she's been eyeing those)

I know my mom. I know she wants everything inside of here and will fight tooth and nail for it. But not only is everything in here mine and the accumulation of years, I have my stepfathers permission to take everything, because it is mine.

Take my shit and go? Ok. I will. My friend's grandfather is offering to store my stuff in his empty rooms because he is the kindest old veteran you'll ever meet. I'm taking EVERYTHING.

NOTHING will be left behind.

I hope she enjoys sleeping on the floor because I know for fact we don't have a spare bed.

And as I'm just taking my shit and going, Ill make sure to not tell her about how the very large window super heats the room in the summer at 3 in the afternoon and is almost as cold as the outside is in winter because it was never properly installed. I'll also neglect to tell her where the window leaks when it rains to put down towels so mold dosn't start growing. I'll neglect to tell her about how the wifi doesn't reach up here most of the time so she will have to wonder if her tech is broken.

Unrelated but she REALLY cares about what other people think and that's why I had the thick curtains.

The week is up in a few minutes so I took down MY curtains. Because I'm just taking my stuff and going right?

So I hope out neighbors don't see my chubby while butt undressing to sleep. I used to sleep naked.

I think I'll do that tonight.

TL;DR:

Mom gave the sacred succ to a person she shouldn't have, kicked me out with no warning, so now her one legged ass will be sleeping on the floor of the fancy room she traded me for and will have to answer questions to the whole cul du sac of middle aged upper middle class stuck up moms that she runs the community facebook page for about why her daughter was giving the neighborhood a strip show.

Also she may freeze / sweat to death before she figures out the window is fucked.

Will update once I'm gone about her reaction. Thanks for reading and remember:

Some times you just gatta do what you're told lol.