#part of the on-going quest to kill my perfectionism

[stygiusfic]

deep in my feelings today about everyone who has stuck around since my Hades days and everyone who's been along for the ride for even a little while

in a little over a month, it'll have been 4 years since I made the stygius account on ao3, which makes it one of my most long-lived accounts!

now and then I still get the itch to make a wholly new one, shed the snakeskin all over again, but... this one is getting homely...

[funkymbtifiction]

It sounds like Enneagram six does a number even on Te dominates. I know there are profiles on that but read about an actual example helps. Is it harder to recognize characters or people are ETJ’s , EFJ’s and ESP’s when they are a six? What should we look for? My other question self preservation one looks a lot like a six what is the difference internally and externally?

I don’t think they are any more or less difficult than to discern than any other type, no. You just ask yourself if this character is a head type -- either prone to withdrawing to think (non counter-phobic) or rushing in to attack what they fear (counter-phobic). Usually, there will be confusion between cp6s and 8s, but the 8 will never back down / show deference to anyone and the cp6 will accept a certain level of authority over them (such as Anakin submitting himself to Obi-Wan’s guidance, even with his “you’re not the boss of me :P” Fi tendencies).

Just remember that the 6s fall into three categories within themselves, so you need to watch for that -- there’s the phobic 6s who are openly nervous and seeking of approval. I’m watching The White Queen right now, and George’s wife Isabel Neville is plainly a phobic (self-pres) 6. She’s openly scared and does not want to draw negative attention to herself; she’s fearful her father’s stupid 8 insistence on trying to unseat the king is going to get them all killed.

There’s the rigid (social) 6s, who hold on to a larger system and/or LOGIC to cope with their anxiety. John Smith in The Man in the High Castle is a PERFECT example of this brand of 6 -- he is a Nazi who turned to that party out of fear and to save his family, who doesn’t actively seek power except to use it to protect his family (the only ones he prioritizes / cares about -- that’s another thing to remember, 6s are big on FAMILY because it means SUPPORT), who strikes out with logic and is quite ruthless when he has to be, but adheres to a system larger than himself and allows it to make his decisions for him (tragically, this is why he cannot change or redeem himself in the final season; he’s too emotionally invested in the Party to let go of it).

Then there’s the cp6s like Archie Andrews in Rivendell, who goes off half-cocked half the time, gets into trouble, then thinks “that was stupid later” but there’s not much he can do about it. Anakin also falls into this category. They act tough and bull-headed to pretend they aren’t intimidated and/or afraid. Yet... Anakin is afraid. He’s so afraid to lose Padme and face pain, he does awful things to protect her -- and then loses her in spite of it.

Regarding sp1 being like 6 -- well, sp1 is mostly concerned with not being BAD -- ie, IMMORAL. They turn to perfectionism to avoid being bad and are anxious about doing things wrong. 6s are more about general anxiety and care less about whether they are doing it the ‘right’ way -- they care more about being accurate. An sp1 like Nina in Black Swan drives themselves nuts denying all their sensory desires and needs and rigidly forcing themselves into a narrow set of behaviors and attitudes... where a 6 only faces self-doubt and turns to others for support. The sp1 will try and fix themselves. The 6 will look to you for reassurance and acceptance, to balance out their fear of being alone.

- ENFP Mod

PS: You can tell 6 fixes IN a character regardless of core because of a desire to adhere to an external system larger than themselves -- such as Kylo Ren’s quest for independence ultimately leading him to take shelter in the Dark Side and its rising Empire. Being ‘a part of something’ makes him feel secure, and he turns to someone other than himself whenever he has crushing self-doubt.

[yourdearhart]

Louis’ Self-worth (pt. 2)

Part 2: The Mental Aspect

*manga spoilers below*

So we’ve addressed Louis’ feelings on being an herbivore, which amount to pretty intense hatred for his body and his instincts. What about the more mental/emotional aspect of his self-esteem? It can seem hard to peg, as we see both moments of serious self-loathing, as well as moments where he thinks he’s real hot shit. Let’s take a closer look.

Once again, we go back to Louis’ early childhood in the livestock pen. Here, he was raised as a product: he had a very defined purpose. He was food. Someday, a carnivore would pay to kill and devour him. Of course that’s not what happened--Oguma bought him and raised him as his son. But the base facts didn’t change: Louis was purchased for a purpose. Not to be food, but to be Oguma’s heir. Oguma paid a set price to receive a product.

Louis’ valuation of himself comes entirely from what he’s able to achieve, including how well he fulfills Oguma’s need for an heir. In short, Louis views himself not as being intrinsically worthy, of having unconditional value based on being a living being, but very much having conditional value: he’s worth something because of what he can do. So when he’s the top of his class, when he’s the president of the club, when he’s the star of the show, then his is valuable and worthy and the best. But when he fails--when he’s too injured to perform, when he wrongly takes the mayor’s advice, when he can’t stop Legoshi from getting into a dangerous fight--he has achieved nothing, and therefore, he is worth nothing.

Louis: Any mistake I make onstage...will be the death of me.

This is how we see his view of himself swing so wildly from “Me, me, me!” right before the Adler performance, to his meltdown during Legoshi’s fight with Riz because he realizes how helpless he is. When Louis is performing at his best, there’s no one who can surpass him. When he doesn’t meet his own insane standards, he’s worthless.

Louis (“Dazzling Dictatorship”): Because I’m the only one who counts. Devote yourselves to...me! This is MY battle. I won’t let anyone interfere.

Louis (“A Drop of 18-times Concentrate”): To become strong...to survive...I committed sin after sin...and when I finally decided to stop, I drove my dear friend [Ibuki] to his death...because I’m so damn weak.

This swerves into headcanon territory, but I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to imagine that Louis saw his “adoption” by Oguma as conditional as a fawn: that is, if he did not do what Oguma wanted, he would be returned to the livestock pen as a faulty product. I’m sure he got past this, but that would have been a part of his mindset during very formative years. And we know that Oguma helped create Louis’ perfectionist obsession. Consider the discussion they have in his hospital room about his college entrance exams:

Oguma: “The university you’re going to: Galdona University. Your entrance exam’s schedule has been decided...I won’t tell you to study. Just be sure you pass.”

Louis: All business talk...I guess we can’t be father and son without being business partners.

Louis: “I’ll do just fine.”

It’s very clear from their discussion that they’ve done this song and dance before. Oguma gives Louis a task, Louis is expected to excel at that task. Oguma doesn’t say “do well or I’ll punish you” -- there is no or. Failure is not an option. For Louis, the implication, of course, is that if he does not do well, he has no value. The way Louis describes their relationship--business partners--is a very loaded way to describe a parent-child relationship (and to Louis, the business aspect is more prominent than the familial). Oguma is in charge and Louis does as he is told, or he has failed to uphold his end of the contract. We never see Oguma bring up saving Louis’ life to shame or pressure him, but I find it hard to believe Louis doesn’t consider it himself. Does he not owe the animal that saved him, took him in?

This is part of why we see him strive so ardently to be Oguma’s perfect heir even when Oguma’s goals come into direct conflict with his own desires (seen most prominently in his love life, with the utter absence of attraction between him and Azuki, and his clear interest in Juno, despite his strong commitment to Azuki and the marriage arranged by their parents). If Louis does not serve the purpose Oguma wants, then Oguma has wasted 7 million yen and 14 years of time and effort.

Every child wants to be loved, most especially by their guardians. I’m sure part of Louis’ perfectionism stems from an “If I do well enough, my father will love me” mindset, even unconsciously. But it goes past that, into Louis’ own valuation of his worth. To he himself, he is worth nothing if he’s not on his A-game. He doesn’t feel good about himself if he’s not the best.

Early in S1, the most vulnerable we see Louis is in the flashback to his first year when he shed his antlers and took shelter in Haru’s garden. What is his most pressing concern, standing in front of a strange girl dripping blood and holding his antlers?

Louis: “Promise me you won’t tell anyone! Swear to me that you won’t tell anyone Louis the red deer lost his antlers.”

His reputation. His image of perfection. It’s only when Haru assures him she has no idea who he is and doesn’t care about his reputation that he relaxes.

Briefly, Louis abandons his quest to be the perfect heir, during his stint with the Shishigumi. But as soon as he leaves, he’s back to the same behavior as before, visible immediately in his and Oguma’s tet-a-tet at the hospital. And even among the Shishigumi, Louis refuses to accept anything but perfection from himself, to the point of starving himself trying to eat a lion’s diet to show that he can be one of them. When Ibuki observes Louis’ ill health and correctly guesses he’s not eating properly, and tries to remedy the situation, Louis is outraged.

Louis: “Wh-what’s your deal? Are you trying to make a fool out of me? ...Did you want to see me drooling over vegetables so you could sneer at me?”

By suggesting Louis could not manage to survive like the lions do, to make himself one of them (even though it was obvious), Ibuki threatened Louis’ image of strength and unwavering perfection, so he naturally responded as if it were an attack. In threatening Louis’ image, Ibuki threatened both his worth and therefore his safety within the Shishigumi (as he will only remain their boss--remain alive--as long as he is valuable to them).

When Louis reflects on Legoshi’s upcoming fight with Melon, he has this thought:

Louis: I don’t want you to end up like Father and Ibuki where you’ll die because of my helplessness, Legoshi!

How Louis has managed to convince himself his father’s death in a car accident is his fault, I don’t know, but we see again that results-based valuation: because they died--because Louis could not save them--he failed, and is worthless. There’s also a discussion to be had on Louis’ perception of strength and weakness, doubling back to the physical aspect of his self-worth and his loathing of herbivores, but let’s put that off for now.

Louis tends to have a very negative self-image, because he only sees himself as worthy when he’s perfect--which is nuts. Nobody can be perfect all the time, so he necessarily fails his own standards regularly and devalues himself for that. He does not view himself as having intrinsic, unconditional value: his mere existence as a sentient, living being does not garner him any worth in his eyes. He is valuable only for his contributions; for what he provides. For what he can do.  This results in widely varying self-valuations depending on what’s going on at the given moment, but ultimately it always swings back to something negative, because Louis has to be constantly achieving and performing to maintain his self-esteem. Even neutrality results in a negative image, because while there may not be failure, there is an absence of achievement, which is tantamount to the same thing.

If Louis is not performing, if he is not achieving, if he is not an object of admiration and envy and glory, he’s nothing at all.

And I say again: this deer is going to kill himself with exhaustion someday.

View Part 1: The Physical Aspect here.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Through the Moon: description analysis

I’m gonna keep this light and do my best to stay out of headcanon territory because this is just for fun, but I’ve been dying to poke a bit at the wording in this description for a while. Let’s start with the title!

Calling this book “Through the Moon” makes it pretty clear that Rayla’s gonna pass through the Moon Nexus to whatever lies beyond. The description doesn’t explicitly say she jumps in, but... *gestures at the title and that key art* She’s probably jumping right into that lake. And for a girl who hates water, that’s not nothing. Conquering her biggest fear is just going to be Step One for her, and that sets up quite an epic expectation.

Okay, on to the description, which is in bolded sections.

The Dragon Prince has been reunited with his mother, the Human Kingdoms and Xadia are at peace, and humans and elves alike are ready to move on.

Peace, yay! That last line makes it sound like negotiations have taken place and been concluded. We do have several royal representatives among the characters. Aanya is the only experienced human ruler left, actually, unless Kasef’s dad has already made a full recovery. Two other members of the Pentarchy were killed, so their replacements will probably be... malleable. And Ezran’s dad was assassinated. So really, whatever Aanya wants, with Ezran’s support, Aanya gets.

On the elven side, we have a shiny new Queen Janai, and Zubeia and Zym. We haven’t met any leaders for the Moonshadows or the Skywings (if Skywings have leaders). But the Moonshadows weren’t really at full war stage, they were just hired for black ops. They’re feeling pretty safe in their forest as a people, and as far as they know, Runaan’s mission has come to a final conclusion, one way or another. They’re moving on too. 

It’s Ezran and Zym that will drive this peace, but we been knew. It’s just nice to see that it’s working. The real question is: how long did this period of time last? Negotiations in and of themselves could take anywhere from weeks to years. With Aanya and Janai joining forces on the battlefield, the two most powerful queens in the land could probably pull everyone together behind them pretty quickly. (And now I really want Aanya to look up to Janai and Amaya like her second set of battle moms!) Only Rayla is still restless. Unable to believe Lord Viren is truly dead, and haunted by questions about the fate of her parents and Runaan, she remains trapped between hope and fear. 

Oof, this poor girl. She’s still struggling with the weight of perfectionism. She tackled Viren to his death, which saved Zym and let her and Callum complete their mission for peace. But there’s no proof of her deed without Viren’s corpse, so she questions herself. Callum probably talked to her about Viren, the things he was capable of, like stealing Callum’s voice. She remembers Viren’s taunt about Moonshadow elves in his pouch. He’s cruel and powerful. She feels responsible for the peace that holds, so she feels she’ll be responsible if it breaks because she didn’t kill him properly. She’s driven to guard against such a future in any way she can. I bet she’s not sleeping much, trains too hard in case she needs to fight Viren, engages in unhealthy coping mechanisms, and generally broods.

The questions about the missing Moonshadow elves probably come from more than one source. Ethari’s probably found Runaan’s half-sunk lotus, and he would want to tell Rayla about that immediately. Even if his uncertainty about how the heck his lotus is half-floating keeps him from telling, say, the Silvergrove, he’d want to reassure Rayla that hey, I don’t think you killed your parent after all. 

Rayla has her own questions about the Moonshadow elf threat Viren taunted her with--how do you fit elves into a tiny pouch?? Well, you know what? Gren can tell her how, and he works for Rayla’s boyfriend’s aunt, who’s dating the Sunfire queen now, so that conversation can totally happen, and I hope it does. And Soren, who’s probably glued to Ezran’s side now, can tell her that he put Runaan in the dungeon instead of killing him. 

The Dragaang is at the center of these information sources, but Rayla’s the one who will feel driven to investigate. These are her family members, her people. And she definitely feels that she owes Runaan a debt for failing him on his mission. Our poor girl is driven by guilt as much as love to find out what has really happened to all her parents.

When an ancient ritual calls her, Callum, and Ezran to the Moon Nexus, she learns the lake is a portal to a world between life and death. Rayla seizes the opportunity for closure-and the chance to confirm that Lord Viren is gone for good.

See, this bit here is just packed with things that aren’t quite being said. I have a hunch that the “Ghost Feather” concept art may be the ancient ritual that calls Rayla to the Moon Nexus. Because it seems that Phoe-Phoe’s feather, which Ezran collects in S3, really is the Ghost Feather.

It’s said to be present in S3,

and yet we didn’t get anything like this image--Rayla hasn’t interacted with the feather at all yet.

But it seems Rayla’s going to end up with it at some point. What’s it going to do for her? My most fun guess is that Rayla will become the next Guardian of the Moon Nexus, and Phoe-Phoe will be her engraved invitation to do so--the feather will choose her once she’s ready. And maybe part of what makes her ready is a desire to know the truth, instead of settling for the illusion anymore. Maybe, too, Rayla will need a creature who can overcome death like a Moon Phoenix can, just to get through the Nexus.

Also, “she learns the lake is a portal,” hmm? From whom? I’m expecting Lujanne to be in this story. If there is any kind of Guardian training, she’ll need to be there. But really, we all just need more kooky grandma content. Lujanne’s strength is in her imagination, which is the opposite end of the Moonshadow spectrum from the way Rayla was raised, all hard rules and set patterns. Rayla could really use Lujanne’s perspective.

“Rayla seizes the opportunity” tells me something critical: Rayla probably didn’t ask first. She’s hanging around Callum too much (but is there really such a thing), and might have just yeeted herself through the portal without understanding everything or waiting for permission--or for the Moonhenge to be repaired. (Golly if only we knew a really skilled Moonshadow craftsman)

Also, it looks like Rayla’s got two goals for her portal experience: closure with regards to her three parents’ fates, and proof Viren’s dead. So those are things she expects to be able to get. Those are things the Moon Nexus can tell her. Is it like a Moonshadow version of Cerebro, where she can find any soul in the world, living or dead? How handy would that be? And how would such a thing work when you’re searching for three souls that are not exactly in the world? I think it’ll be easier for Rayla to learn that Viren’s still alive. But maybe not! A big part of the problem with the coins and the lotus is that we don’t know how Primal magic can handle dark magic. So maybe the Moon Nexus won’t be able to give Rayla any clear information, for all her trouble. But she has to learn something from this experience so the plot moves forward.

But the portal is unstable, and the ancient Moonshadow elves who destroyed it never intended for it to be reopened. Will Rayla's quest to uncover the secrets of the dead put her living friends in mortal danger? 

Why is the portal unstable? Is that separate from being broken/disabled? Probably not. If something has been destroyed to keep anyone from using it, it’s probably pretty cactus that means busted why am i talking in Aussie slang. I’m more interested to see how Rayla got it working at all! Maybe Callum has a plan. Zing - Flip - Dash - Zap?

It does sound like the boys will be directly involved in Rayla’s plan, since executing it could endanger them. I wonder if they’ll go with her into the portal, if that would be safe or even possible. Maybe it’s only a Moonshadow thing? We all know that Callum and Ezran would love to be able to talk with their parents. But will the plot let that happen? We’ll have to wait and see!

To sum up: something with enough power to find Rayla is going to call her to the Moon Nexus, and Callum and Ezran will go with her. Probable side characters include Lujanne, Ethari, and Soren. Additional creatures: Phoe-Phoe (and maybe even Runaan’s husk-Moonstrider). Coordinated shenanigans, teamwork, and facing fears will ensue, and in the end, Rayla should get at least a glimpse, if not an eyeful, of what she needs to know to move the plot forward into S4 or the next book after this one. She’ll probably learn that Viren is alive--chasing down villains is exactly what heroes do, and Rayla’s officially a hero now. I don’t necessarily think she’ll be able to free anyone through the portal, but hopefully she can contact or see those she’s desperate to find, so she can learn that they do need help and they can be rescued. Cue S4.

[roseofbabboo]

The longer I stay around, the more I regret it. People tell me it gets better, and I don’t know how, to be honest. My therapist tells me that sometimes, it won’t get better, but that’s okay, we just have to do our part to make the world a better place, even if people don’t want you to. I’m sticking around for like three people right now, and that glimmer of advice from my doctor. I am surrounding myself with it, to be positive, to be kind, to give everyone the treatment I want to see, and each day when I come home, I almost feel more alone than ever in my quest to make it better somehow.

I did the hard self care tonight, I did dishes and laundry, and then washed my hair and cooked dinner. It doesn’t feel as relieving because I know I’ll have to do it all again in a few days, in a never ending cycle of scrubs and pajamas.

So, I try something new, I reach out to family I haven’t spoken to in a while, only to feel the same guilt trip as the last time I talked to them. They’re mad I’m not going to my sister’s birthday party tomorrow, after work, as though there isn’t a pandemic. I can’t really change their minds, I don’t bother.

Next, I try to create something, because that’s what my mind is built for, is creating, and I have this endless supply of stuff I could create, but instead, I stare at it for an hour while my eyes burn with tears because forcing creation is painful and only creates results I’m not happy with. Perfectionism kills me, because sometimes it doesn’t exist, and other times, it’s the only thing in the world that matters.

When that doesn’t work, I try to distract myself with meditative activities. For a few minutes, I get to play a video game, or a book, and I can feel my hands crave more to focus on, a fidgit.

So I keep existing, and it loops back into me trying new things for long periods of time until I find a temporary release of tension, and I’m happy for a day, until I’m alone again, and I don’t know what to do. I see my fiance an hour per night and ruin my sleep schedule just to see him a few minutes longer, when we’re both too tired to give each other proper affection we crave.

I’m running out of ideas

[overdrivels]

The Hanzo-disliking anon here. I would have actually preferred discussing this w/ you privately but I prefer to be on anon for the whole "doesn't like a beloved popular character" thing. The reason I don't like Hanzo is how he seems to have the audacity to act like the offended party with Genji when he's the one who did wrong. It's not even that he doesn't realize he did wrong. He abandoned his clan due to guilt. I can't for the life of me understand what appears to be his victim complex. (1/2)

(2/2) He goes around calling Genji “trash” to his face in the Japanese version of OW for goodness’ sake. That Genji is dead to him and stuff. It could be that he feels Genji betrayed him by refusing to join the Shimada business or that he feels like his redemption quest has been for nothing, but those are terrible reasons and don’t excuse his shitty behavior. I’ve been trying to think of what the writers are trying to go for with him, but I just can’t imagine anything that justifies his attitude

(3/2 I miscalculated 2 asks aren’t enough) I hope I didn’t come off as a jerk. I have no issue with people who like Hanzo and I don’t want to disrespect or undermine them. I’m just irritated at how self-entitled the character seems to be. The reason I actually brought this up with you is bc I was hoping you’d have some insights on this that will help me understand why he’s the way he is.

You’ve been very respectful in the way you express your opinions and well articulated in your reasons, so I’m actually extremely happy that you’ve presented this to me and feel comfortable enough to share. (You have no fucking clue how pleased I am to have a discussion like this, really.)

This is rather long (very long), so I’m placing this under a cut. To everyone else, please be mindful of each other’s opinions, especially when it’s being conveyed so civilly. Understandably, if you are of the opposite opinion, you may feel angered, but I ask that you refrain from attacking anyone and if need be, present your opinion and thoughts in the same manner as this anon.

(I also ask that this doesn’t get reblogged because I don’t think I can handle my inbox getting wrecked by people who weren’t initially a part of the conversation or know the context of the entire discussion leading up to this.)

I’d be happy to discuss it with you on chat or something, but as it is, this’ll have to work. I’m going to preface this by saying that Hanzo doesn’t need to be (shouldn’t need to be?) justified as a character because sometimes, a character does shitty things and that shittiness (shittyness?) needs to be acknowledged and not justified for any reason because there’s no good enough explanation.

(I’m sure we’ve all experienced or done something like that in real life–did something so inexcusable without proper explanation, but there really isn’t one, and we have to accept it as is.)

I think it’s easy to look at the singular action of Hanzo killing Genji in a vacuum. Based on that singular event alone, and seeing how Hanzo acts afterward, it’s very easy to paint him as an asshole whose actions are inexcusable and he doesn’t deserve to claim that he’s the one who is hurt. In which case, absolutely. He should not act like he’s been wronged when he’s the one who started it.

But what if we start further?  

I want to look at the cause and what could’ve led up to it. Not to justify it, but to see where this could’ve come from. It’s my own opinion, but I think that people are very used to writers having their characters as is–no background unless it’s relevant to the plot, no thought of what sort of life they’ve lead up to this point, and is presented as a given. However, I see that the Overwatch team has put some effort into characters (the level of effort can be debatable, but I’m not interested in debating that), so I want to show some level of respect to the writers by trying to dig a little deeper into where, why, how–who is this character?

And I think a lot of it may have come from Hanzo’s circumstance, his relations with his brother, and his past. To understand it, we have to take a deeper look into Japanese culture (or Asian culture, in general). Now, I can’t claim that I have a complete understanding of anything, so a lot of this is just what I know (and perhaps experiences) and some speculation and logical deductions.

In life, Genji was given a freedom that Hanzo, as the eldest and the heir to a criminal syndicate, never truly enjoyed. That isn’t to say, however, that Genji didn’t have his own fair share of troubles. 「一族の恥」(ichizoku no haji)、the clan’s shame/the embarrassment of the clan is what they called him. We can leave the discussion about Genji for another day, but let’s look at how this affects Hanzo.

So from birth and even after his father’s death, he was held to a strict standard. Everyone was watching him. He was chosen by the dragons. He must not make a mistake lest he bring shame to his entire family.

In Japanese culture (and Asian culture), losing face is probably one of the worst things that could happen to you. In Western culture, it’s not that big of a deal if you embarrass yourself a little or you’re not as successful or you don’t have the respect of your subordinates. People will tease you about it, and move on.

In Asian culture, you’re pretty much fucked. No one will let you forget it, it becomes a part of you now. You will lose the respect of everyone around you, and depending on the level of face you lose, every piece of success you’ve built up can be lost in a second. It is an integral part of your identity and society. Losing face could make you a nobody, scorned, and an outcast. It can affect your job, your family, relations with neighbors, cost you that raise or promotion–it’s a big deal that cannot be contained to the words, ‘embarrassment’ or ‘shame’.

(For example: you’re at someone’s house and you’ve finished off your glass of juice, but you’re still thirsty, so you reach for more from the fridge. You’ve now made the host lose face because, by getting your own drink, you’ve shown your host that they suck at what they do and should be more attentive to you, their guest. You’ve made your host lose face. Now your host is embarrassed and that’s going to be a mark on them for a long, long time. If there were other people there, they would notice this, too, and give that person shit. This sounds absolutely silly because it’s a glass of juice, but it’s a big deal.)

Hanzo was losing face. He couldn’t control his brother. That’s a deep scar on his image, on everything he’s built up in his life. For Sojiro, his father, it was less of a deal–he let Genji do it and probably made it openly known that this was acceptable. And no one will go against Sojiro, the master of the clan and who could have them all killed in an instant.

But Hanzo?

He doesn’t have that rapport yet, so he’s subject to the scorn and nasty comments of his elders and the like. (I’m assuming there are elders and those in the clan who are of a high power that Hanzo cannot take action without consulting. It’s kind of like a Japanese company. While a President delivers the decision, the decision isn’t made it without consulting those who are affected and knowledgeable.) He can’t defend himself against them. 

Why? 

Because of the hierarchy. There’s a very specific type of hierarchy in Japan that’s difficult to explain because to understand it, you have to understand the intricacies of the culture and the dynamic of the clan, which we don’t particularly have.

(There’s a very good post about it by someone about Hanzo losing face on tumblr, but I can’t seem to find it at the moment.)

Regardless, that must’ve built up a lot of tension and repressed anger that he wasn’t allowed to express. Expressing your anger is not taken the same way as in the Western world. It’s…well, not to say it’s not acceptable, but it’s not taken the same way as it would be outside of Japan.

So, Hanzo has quite a bit on his plate. Why can’t Genji just do what he’s told? Why does he have to stand out? (As a side note, standing out in Japanese culture or disrupting the status quo is not looked kindly upon.There’s even a saying in Japanese: a nail that stands out gets hammered ( 出る杭は打たれる ).) So Genji’s defiance is another point of contention. Why does he have to keep disobeying his elders? Hanzo is Genji’s older brother. It’s his absolute responsibility to make sure his brother is kept in line. That’s the burden of being the eldest. If Genji isn’t in line, Hanzo has failed in his basic duties in being an older brother. (The implications are much more serious, and I’m not quite sure how to express it.)

He may be acing his studies, and listening to his father, but he can’t seem to exert the right amount of authority over those who should be listening to him. And his father isn’t helping by letting Genji do what he wants. He also has this constant pressure to do better because his best isn’t enough from both his family and the clan. Logically, they wouldn’t follow someone who is weak or doesn’t have his shit in order. But he doesn’t. There’s always something tripping him up, and that’s his brother. Not to blame Genji, because again, he has his own share of troubles, but from Hanzo’s point of view, he was likely the source of a lot of his resentment.

In short, Hanzo is a failure. His accomplishments, his perfectionism, none of it means anything if he’s constantly getting shit thrown back at his face.

I seriously believe that all the lines he says in-game to himself such as, “Never second best,” or “Unworthy,” or “You will never amount to anything!” were all just Hanzo projecting.

In the Japanese version, he refers to Genji as 「くず」 (trash). I don’t know what to make of this. I could take the angle that it’s Hanzo projecting onto Genji still, or I could speculate that he truly believes he’s superior, or take it a little more neutrally, he’s repeating what everyone else calls Genji. But if I had to guess, it’s a mixture of everything. This is something that stumps me a little bit, but the above is the best explanation I have for it.

When Hanzo becomes the master of the clan, he was probably told to put Genji in line. And Genji didn’t want anything to do with the clan. He wanted to live his life, enjoy it. But that sort of enjoyment came with certain responsibilities that he has shirked since the time of their father. But with Hanzo as the new leader of the clan, he had to put Genji in line or…do something about it.

It’s very likely that the rest of the clan saw this as an opportunity to make their name good, to get rid of those who stood out, to right everything. Their new leader is young and inexperienced without his father to protect him. So, Hanzo was presented with those two choices: straighten Genji out or kill him lest you bring more shame to the clan.

Now, Hanzo is given an opportunity to redeem himself and his image and the clan’s image. This goes beyond the redemption quest he set out for after Genji’s death. I think he was on one even before then. He can save face and fix everything if he listens to his elders (his betters in the hierarchy). He can fix everything if he can get rid of the problem–Genji.

He did it. He did not take an insult to his power passively, he rectified it by putting an end to it. He restored confidence in his clan as an assassin, as master of the clan, as his brother.

…but it wasn’t so.

After killing his brother, we all know he left the Shimada clan. We’re not sure if it was immediately after or some time after. The timing may be very significant, but as we do not readily know, we’ll skip over it for now. We can easily call his leaving an act of cowardice, or the result of his guilt, or that he wanted to do something he always wanted to do but never found an opportunity to do so. He wanted to leave. He wanted the freedom that Genji had, but couldn’t have because his immediate family still existed.

By leaving, he thought for himself for once.

Ah, not to mean that he was blindly following anyone’s orders or anything, but for once, he thought of himself. He was selfish. In Japanese culture, the collective comes first. The clan, the whole of Hanamura, the whole of society comes first.

But for once, Hanzo became selfish, and so, left everything behind. Here’s the funny thing though, by killing Genji, he found a way out for his freedom, but by killing Genji, he also managed to never fully express the envy and hate he may have had for his brother.

In many or most cultures, you’re supposed to revere the dead. It’s pretty much the same in Japanese culture.

Now he’s been mourning for ten years, still unable to express that hate that he has supposed buried when he killed his brother. And guess who shows up? Genji. Back to sling shit into his face again. Not only is he a failure as a brother for being unable to keep his brother in line, as the master of the clan by leaving, but also as a killer by having one of his most life-altering kills come back from the grave.

So, under such circumstances, I would absolutely be pissed beyond hell and vent in almost any way I can because pride is a fragile thing. Or at least, it is for Hanzo.

But here’s an interesting thought: I also wonder if he knew, deep down, that it would come to this. He didn’t seem entirely too surprised beyond the first few seconds. As a matter of fact, he seemed to have gone back to something more childish, acting almost immediately like a big brother–scolding his younger brother for something and telling him to get his life together. He slips into the role almost too easily.

We can chalk it up to shock, but couldn’t it be that he also knew he never actually dealt the finishing blow and that’s been nagging at him this whole time? Not that he gave his brother a chance to live, but that he let his brother suffer. If you’re going to kill someone you love, you’d make it quick and painless, right? We can argue that he never loved his brother, but we can also argue that he was warring with himself and couldn’t bring himself to do it.

I must sound like a broken record, but to me, it’s very interesting to speculate and think about. There are so many angles we can take on this and the possibilities are endless. But it could also be that his character could also be very simple broken down as an man who mistakenly thinks he is being wronged all the time.

But yes, your thoughts are valid and meaningful to me in a way that I can’t explain. They also gave me some perspective on why some people might not like him, and I really want to thank you for helping me expand my horizons. In light of that, I hope I’ve been able to articulate why he may be the way he is, whether he is justified in his behavior or not is a completely different story. I’m just interested in why.

(There was a lot more I would’ve love to elaborate on, but I think this would’ve actually turned into a research paper. I hope this has been helpful and sufficient in answering your questions even though it’s a little disorganized in its presentation. Again, it’s perfectly fine to dislike a character–not all characters are made to be liked, and not all people are expected to like all characters.)

[notanicequeen-blog]

Bookworm Reviews: The Outstretched Shadow

Guest starring occasional rattling from my puppy in his crate. But at least the wobbling is minimal this time.

Transcript under the cut

Hi! I'm Elsa, and this is a bookworm. His name is Scrunch, by the way.

Right, anyway. Today we'll be talking about The Outstretched Shadow by Mercedes Lackey and James Mallory. It's the first book in The Obsidian Trilogy, but if I talked about the entire trilogy at once then this video would be So Long, and I wouldn't properly be milking things for all they're worth. It's a high fantasy young adult series, and the first book was published in 2003.

So, we begin with Kellen in the city of Armethelieh, and please forgive me when I pronounce absolutely everything wrong, especially when we get to the elves later. Kellen is the son of the city's Arch-Mage (arc-mage? arch-mage?) so great things are expected of him, but he seems unlikely to rise to those expectations. He makes an effort, kind of, but everything is thrown into chaos when his High Mage father finds him with books for forbidden wild magic and he's banished from the city.

In an effort to get out of the city limits before the hunt catches him, he uses wild magic, and is thus introduced to Shalkan the unicorn, who helps him get to safety, at the price of remaining chaste and celibate for a year and a day. After narrowly escaping the hunt, they're taken in by Idalia, a wild mage who just so happens to be Kellen's sister who was banished for similar reasons.

The city expands its magical border to overtake where Idalia lives, forcing them to flee to elven territory, where they're taken in gladly. There are a lot of elves, but foremost among them we have Prince Sandalon, Queen Ashaniel, and Jermayan, a knight in love with Idalia, who is in love with him in return. I'll get back to them later. What's important to know about the elves is that they live a long ass time and so do everything very slowly and to very exacting standards.

The elves are being troubled by a drought, and whilst magically poking at it with a stick, Idalia learns it's a magical drought being inflicted upon them by the villains of the series, the Endarkened. Yes, really. It can be fixed, but wild magic always has a price and the price to fix it will be exorbitant. Even so, Idalia, Kellen, and Jermayan are willing to handle it.

In order for Idalia to properly break the drought spell, Kellen, Shalkan, and Jermayan need to go to the curse's epicenter to place a key stone, which is basically a magical battery, so it can be drawn on to help deal with the storms that breaking the curse will cause. While they're on that quest, Jermayan realizes that Kellen is a rather mediocre wild mage because he's actually a knight-mage; a wild mage specialized in combat. Jermayan begins training him appropriately.

Jermayan gets mortally wounded and Kellen heals him as best he can, and the magic informs him he'll know what price he needs to pay for it when the time comes. They rest up for a while, and when they carry on, they meet Vestakia and her family. Jermayan wants to kill Vestakia on sight until Shalkan threatens to kill him, and he chills out. I'll get to that later, too. Vestakia volunteers to go with them as a guide to the barrier holding the curse, because she can sense demons and demon magic.

Upon getting there, they find an obelisk and a whole wad ton of goblins. Jermayan, Shalkan, and Vestakia fight off the goblins while Kellen climbs up to the obelisk to plant the key stone, assuming he will die in doing so as the previous mage price. He doesn't, but he's out cold for a while, and when he wakes up, Jermayan and Vestakia are buddies and Kellen's hands are basically ground beef. Either way, the counter-curse works out and the obelisk is broken.

Idalia, still chilling with the elves, feels the curse falter and works her magic. She's unclear on what the price will be, but accepts to pay it, and Idalia essentially becomes the storms that have built up during the drought so she can control them and keep them from killing anything. I didn't have to say any of the names of any of the elven cities through all of this and I am so happy.

Whew! Alright! So, that's a story. On the whole, it's not a bad one. I mean, nothing about the book is going to challenge you except the elven language, but the story itself isn't bad, even if it's formulaic in places.  The main protagonists are all likable and reasonably developed, even if my favorite character doesn't get introduced until the second book, and the storytelling sucks you in once you get engrossed so you wind up plowing through most of the day with your nose in the book without even realizing it.

Plus I love the magic system. When a wild mage casts a spell, then they must bargain with the gods of the wild magic to pay the price for the spell. If they don't pay, they ain't gettin' shit. The price can be anything from saving a cat from a tree to get a fire, to clearing a cistern to get valuable information, to being willing to lose your life to save people.

And I love Vestakia's backstory. Remember how Jermayan wanted to kill her on sight? See, she looks like one of the Endarkened because her mother was a wild mage who unwittingly slept with the disguised Endarkened prince. Upon bargaining with the gods of wild magic, she was given the option to have a baby with the body of a human and the soul of a demon and hope that nurture overruled nature, or the body of a demon and the soul of a human and have to keep her safe from everyone who would want to kill her on sight. Vestakia's mother went with the second option, and Vestakia winds up being one of the nicest characters in the book and supremely helpful as a spy later on, as courtesy of her birth, Vestakia can sense demons and demon magic in a roundabout way, as the presence of either makes her physically ill.

But there are parts that are… less good. Now, I'm gonna be clear: I love this book, but I'm going to be very hard on it.

The pacing is shit. Once you're engrossed you're hooked, but when you put the book down, getting re-engrossed is an effort each time. Plus the book is LONG and a lot of it is fluff or exposition that isn't necessary. On top of that, it doesn't END so much as it just… stops.

The villains are boring. The Endarkened are… evil. That's it. The queen and prince are incestuous. They all make magic out of pain. They want to take over the world. Torture is a hobby. There is nothing nuanced or compelling about them. They're just evil. The more mundane villains are boring, too. Kellen's dad is just a dick because he's a dick. We get vague reasons about why, but he's mostly just a dick who gets no development whatsoever.

On a slightly nonsensical note, unicorns won't go near anyone who is evil… or who isn't a virgin. There's an effort to explain it away, stating that someone who's a virgin but a horrible person can't touch them, while someone who is good-hearted and had their virginity stolen from them can still touch a unicorn, so it seems like it's about purity, but there's no effort to explain why willingly giving your virginity to someone is automatically impure. It seems like a detail that was included purely because, well, that's how unicorns are SUPPOSED TO BE.

And as more of a personal gripe, Idalia refuses to be together with Jermayan. Because he's an elf and will live to be a thousand or so, and she's a human, and once married, elves mate for life. I do not like this detail. 'Mating for life' amongst sapient creatures basically says 'fuck free will, emotions aren't allowed to change' and I find it really stupid.

As another personal gripe, the elven language. Some of the names are alright, but then you get into shit like Ysterialpoerin and Kindolhinadetil and everything grinds to a screeching halt as you try to figure out how to pronounce it. Actually, just… the elves in general. I find the idea of 'we live a long ass time so everything we do is super slow' to be a little nonsensical. I can get behind the perfectionism and the convoluted rules of politeness, but the fact that every debate and every decision is noted to take an eternity makes me skeptical; the rest of the world doesn't slow down to accommodate their lifespan. But even some of the elves find it annoying, so it evens out pretty well.

Uh… right. So, reasonably good book, but definitely flawed. If you're alright with the pacing issues, I recommend it, as the other issues are things that will really only occur to you in-between binge-reading bursts. It's fun, and I figure that's important.

[zoe-truong]

Gawain and the Green Knight 2

Over the many months with my world lit professor, our class has been taught the fact that us Plan II students are perfectionists. I suppose we worked hard to get where we are, and we only strive to do the best and learn from the best. But is there a problem with perfectionism? Oftentimes there is certainly a stigma associated with perfectionism: uptight, stubborn, too focus-driven. However, those aren’t the real problems that are attached to this quality. 

Just as Gawain is hellbent on finishing his challenge by the Green Knight, perfectionists keep to their problems at hand and are determined at finishing them. On the surface it seems focus driven, but in reality it is what happens to someone who is afraid to be vulnerable. Gawain is afraid of returning to Camelot without a grand tale of victory, and his, as well as all perfectionists’, problem is that he has “confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities,”(108) This problem presents itself with the host’s wife, who comes by tempting Gawain every day of his stay. Part of the agreement made between Gawain and the host is that the host returns game slaughtered by the evening and as exchange Gawain will return what he achieved or received that day. The knight loyally returned the kisses from the host’s ladies to the host the first two nights. However, on the third day, the host gave to Gawain her seemingly slight girdle. Her reasoning that it would protect him on his journey had muddled with his thoughts, as Gawain justifies taking this gift thinking that “it was a jewel for the jeopardy judged upon him, when he gained the Green Chapel, his fate to find if he might slip past un-slain, the sleight were noble,”(211) The only request by the the lady was that Gawain conceal the gift, which would obviously break his promise. His perfectionist natures shows through as he accepts a gift with slightest notion that it would prevent him from being vulnerable, even though his acceptance of the gift means betraying the deal made with the lord. He so fears failure that he would consciously be disloyal in order to protect his future pride and success. 

This is a problem that comes up when people only focus on their goals. People like Gawain are willing to make lie in order to succeed is blindness. They would rather suffer broken trust then feel the weight of shame on their mind, because as a perfectionist, the only satisfaction is perfect execution. If Gawain had outright refused the girdle, he would have put himself at risk of dismissing a garment that might have protected him on his quest. If he met with the Green Knight and “survive[d] it, then it becomes the fear of failure and the fear of being wrong,” (130). If Gawain fails, then he would associate his failure not with his inability, but with the girdle. However, his real failure is not telling the host of his gift. While the host’s lady asks Gawain not to tell him, it should have been in his best interest to ask the lady why not instead of blindly listening. It might be because he feared that betraying the lady would diminish the effects of the girdle? If this were true then this is only another indicator that blindly seeking goals simply creates delayed punishment, as we later see in the story. It seems that Gawain's driving force is the “pain of shame,” which “trigger[s] that survival part of [his] brain that runs, hides, or comes out swinging,” (119). I’m sure Gawain felt a hint of shame for hiding the girdle from the host, and instead of letting it sit into his mind, he merely redirects that shame to fuel the desire to defeat the Green Knight. This is how many people who lie to succeed live with their guilt. They find some more productive ways to channel their meaningless emotions to complete their tasks. 

After Gawain is led to the green chapel, he finds the Green Knight, waiting for him. As part of the deal, Gawain awaits the strikes by the night’s axe. The first attempt stops because Gawain flinches, the second attempt stopped because the knight was impressed by Gawain’s bravery, and the third attempt only sliced the skin of his neck. Instead of Gawain surviving because of his strength, the knight reveals it showed mercy. In the real world, people aren’t going to be as lucky as Gawain. If someone knew you purposefully betrayed them to get ahead, there would be a great deal of emotions. Someone could reveal your dishonesty. And how would that end? Not only would your success be tarnished, but it could also exacerbate the potential shame you would have received if you never succeeded in the first place, because “once there is language, awareness, and understanding, turning back is almost t impossible and carries with it severe consequences,” (131). We don’t know how Gawain would’ve faired if he had failed. Of course he could’ve been killed, or he could have escaped with his life, but that would not be success in his eyes. Only when Gawain realized that he had been tricked, revealing his faults, did he realize confess that “Now am I faulted and false, and ever a-feared; from both treachery and untruth come sorrow and care,” (232). Gawain’s confession is his embracing the vulnerability. The thing that he tried to run away from the most only came back to prove his failure. If only he had realized that he could reveal his worries to the host, or challenge the reasoning for the lady asking him to be dishonest, or embrace the possibility of not being strong enough, could Gawain have avoided this outcome. Being vulnerable isn’t a burden, it helps us understand where our strengths and weaknesses lie. Embracing the unknown is what allows us to grow and learn. Of course, failures will always happen, that is unavoidable, but showing strength is something commendable. If we want to grow a society that takes pride in their life more often and makes strong, educated decisions, then we have to understand this simple fact that “vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious,” (114). Not everyone will show mercy for lying, so to avoid any unfavorable endings, we need to bolster the idea that it’s okay to make mistakes. 

And just as one last reminder, the phrase “HONY SOYT QUI MAL PENCE” at the end of the story is basically a proverb to understand the true lesson. I googled the actual translation since it’s medieval french, but I’m putting my 8 years of french classes to some use. HONY comes from, avoir honte de, the phrase to be ashamed of. SOYT must be an old way or writing soit, or the subjunctive form of to be. And QUI MAL PENCE means who thinks badly (although it’s pense in modern day french). So all together, it would roughly translate to (with some phrasing help from wikipedia) “Shame be to him who thinks badly of it.” We’re looking at you Gawain.