#part of me winces at having settled on using 'math' instead of 'maths' in the fic itself but unfortunately it scans much better that way

[handdrawnfantasma]

i keep looking at this paragraph i wrote last night for one of my many WIPs and giggling to myself. extremely normal thoughts to have dot png

[jynrso]

bring the fire

this isn't technically for rebelcaptain smut month, since it doesn't really follow any of the prompts, but when i saw that it was happening, i was like "oh! i've got an unwritten piece of rc smut i should finish!" and here we are!

title from "heat stroke" by black math -- which is a song i have in my jyn playlist and the instrumental part is absolutely something i can see playing in the background of one of her fight scenes

read it on ao3!

Hoth is cold. Too damn cold. So much so that Jyn would rather be on Tatooine right now, her skin melting off from the heat, bounty on her head be damned. 

She’s never done well in the cold. Maybe it’s because she’d been born in prison on an ice planet, the chill having snuck into her bones when she’d come into the world and hasn’t left her since. Old wounds ache underneath her skin, her hands stiff and sore, and she sinks further into the cocoon of blankets, only her eyes exposed above them. 

Without having to say anything, she knows that Cassian can feel the weight of her stare against his back as he gets ready for bed. She huffs out an annoyed breath when he has the audacity to wink at her as he shrugs off his parka painstakingly slow; she’d accuse him of doing it on purpose if she hadn’t seen for herself how cold affects him, too. 

With a stifled groan, he finally slips beneath the covers and Jyn moves to him immediately, curling up against his side and getting as close as she possibly can before he’s even settled. After taking a few seconds to shift until he’s in a comfortable position, he wraps his arms around her so she’s properly slotted in front of him. 

And since she’s a kind fucking person, she waits before sticking her feet (ice cold even with socks on) on his shins, leeching off of his warmth. 

Cassian curses and she grins to herself. But to his credit, he doesn’t pull away from her; eventually, her shivering subsides and she hums in contentment, her body feeling lighter than it has all day now that she’s properly warm. 

“You really don’t like the cold, do you,” he observes quietly, breaking the silence between them. It’s not a question. 

“Nice use of your spy skills,” she replies sourly. Pain pulses between her temples. It shouldn’t surprise her that he’s able to read her so easily, especially not when she’s made no attempt to hide her dislike of Hoth, but it’s still unsettling for someone to see her so transparently. (She is still learning what it means to be loved.)   “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how often you wince when you think no one’s looking.” 

He sighs but doesn’t rise to meet her bait. Instead, he says neutrally, “I’ll have to steal some more blankets from the quartermaster, then.” 

And just like that, the annoyance inside of her deflates. Her eyes close briefly, hating how her first reaction had been to bristle rather than agree to a fact that they both know to be true. 

In a silent apology, she twists her upper body to face him properly, propping herself up on an elbow. It exposes her to the chill of the room but she’s willing to bear it for a few seconds. He frowns, mouth parting as if to ask her something, but she merely leans down and catches his lips with hers. 

It begins innocently enough but quickly grows more heated. When she breaks away to take a breath, he gently nudges her back down to the bed with her back facing his front. Then, he pulls the covers back up over her and begins to kiss her way down her jawline to her neck. 

Goosebumps break out across her skin but it’s not from the cold. When his teeth scrape against the skin underneath her ear, she shivers. 

“None of us like the cold,” he murmurs quietly. “It’s not just you.” 

She sighs, shoulders hunching inward. “I’ve never lived anywhere this cold. I hate it – it reminds me of. . .” 

Days spent in the cave on Lah’mu, cold and dark, waiting for her parents to come for her and seeing Saw instead. Nights spent curled up on the street, shivering instead of sleeping. The relentless chill of Wobani, biting into her bones no matter how much sweat she worked up each day.  

“. . .Things I’d rather forget,” she settles on finally. “Of. . .Lahmu. And the days after Saw left me. And. . .” she swallows. “Wobani.” 

Cassian hums against her skin, pulling her closer and tightening his arms around her. She tenses at first but it doesn’t feel like a cage. His grip is loose enough that she could pull away if she wants to but she doesn’t, slowly settling back against him. It feels. . .safe. 

(When’s the last time––)

“Fest was ––  is an ice planet,” he tells her, voice quiet, almost reverent. A bit of his past in exchange for what she’s given him. “I don’t remember much of it –– but it wasn’t like this. Even on the coldest days. . .” 

He trails off. She doesn’t let the silence sit for long. 

“You didn’t worry about freezing your dick off?” she cuts in smoothly. 

Her antics are rewarded with a barely-there laugh –– as good as a guffaw from someone as schooled as Cassian. She smiles to herself, hidden by where her cheek presses into the pillow, but that smile quickly turns into a sigh of pleasure when he resumes mapping out her neck with his lips. 

“It’s a good thing you’re here to keep me warm.” 

One of her eyebrows ticks upward. “You asking me to make sure your dick doesn’t freeze off, Captain?” 

“Merely observing,” he replies calmly, as if her hand isn’t already snaking between them and slipping beneath his sweater and his sleep shirt. He lets out a strained exhale when her cold fingers touch his bare abdomen, skirting over an old blaster wound. “Stars, Jyn––” 

“I could always stop,” she replies, toying with the waistband of his pants. As if in revenge, one of his hands begins to drift lower, brushing against her breast and slipping down the planes of her stomach. His featherlight touch is the last thing she wants; she arches up to try and increase the pressure but Cassian only tuts in her ear and moves away despite her groan of frustration. 

So he wants to tease? Fine. Two can play that game. 

“You know,” she says idly, barely managing to hide the breathlessness in her voice. “I was planning on jerking you off. But now I’m not going to.” 

Cassian huffs out a laugh, his breath puffing against her neck. But the way his hips grind into her backside tells her just how much her words have affected him. “You are a piece of work, Jyn Erso.” 

“Nice try, but compliments aren’t going to get you a handjob,” she replies primly. 

“Let me convince you otherwise,” he murmurs into her ear. Finally –– finally –– he slips a hand beneath her pants, his fingers just barely brushing against her clit. A shaky sigh escapes her lips, growing wetter and wetter despite his touch only ghosting against her skin. 

“Cassian,” she says threateningly, though her voice loses some of its steel when his other hand thumbs at her breast through the material of her shirt. She grinds back against him; when his hips jerk up unconsciously at her touch, letting him rut up on her. He grunts into her ear and she can only imagine how he looks right now: eyes closed, breath coming in short pants, forehead pressed–– oh. 

His index finger slips past her folds and rocks inside of her, hand twisting so his calloused thumb can rub circles around her clit. All thoughts leave her head as her hips move against him, head thrown back against the pillow and eyes closed, slowly fucking herself on his finger.

“So wet for me,” he breathes, voice gravelly. A small moan slips past her lips when his other hand slips under her shirt, squirming against him. He gets to work sucking a bruise on her neck, teeth scraping against her skin in time with the motion of his hand. 

The only sounds in the room are her quiet pants, his fingers pistoning in and out of her cunt, and his groans when she brushes against his straining cock. She grabs his arm tightly, nails digging into his skin, but the small bites of pain only seem to spur him on further. 

It doesn’t take long for him to add another finger, stretching her out around him. With her free hand, she shoves her pants and underwear further down her thighs. Then, she shifts, widening her legs so he can have better access, hooking her foot back up against his leg, and opening herself up further. 

Her underwear is soaked –– she’s dripping down his hand and onto the sheets beneath them. But at this moment, she can’t find it within herself to care about the mess. All her mind can focus on is the feeling of Cassian inside of her, how quickly he can find that one spot that quickly sends her hurtling to the edge. 

“Once we get off this planet, I’m going to take my time with you,” he tells her, voice ragged and thick with his desire. “I’ll eat you out until you’re shaking around me, until you can’t remember anything except for my name.” 

She bites her lip, eyes closed so tightly she sees stars. A curse slips off her tongue at the imagery combined with the way his fingers speed up inside of her. 

But she’s not one to let him say those kinds of things without retaliation.

 “Next time we ship out, I’m –– ah –– going to fuck you into the mattress,” she pants, tongue darting out to taste the salt on her lip. “You’ll let me do whatever I want to you, won’t you, Cassian? You’ll be so good for me ––  just like you are now .” 

The resulting moan her words receive makes the difficulty of getting them out while he’s knuckle-deep inside of her all the more worth it. The sound of it only serves to make her wetter –– and it only serves to make him speed up and increase his efforts. 

“Come on, Jyn,” he urges her, pulling her closer. His thumb passes directly over her clit and she gasps. “I know you’re close. I can feel how tight you are. Come on.” 

That’s all it takes for her to slip over the edge, her body lit up from within as his talented fingers push her over the brink. She twists, needing his lips against hers, and he meets her eagerly, swallowing down her moans as she comes. 

His hand remains on her cunt and he guides her through the aftershocks, leaving her a shivering mess in his arms. When he finally pulls free from her pants, he slowly sucks his fingers clean in his mouth, eyes darkening as he does so. 

“I’d say you’ve earned your reward,” she says breathlessly, shifting onto her back. Her body buzzes, pleasantly warm. She’s wrung out and completely sated. 

He props himself up on his elbow and bows his head to meet her lips once again, though the kiss is sweeter and less heated than before. There’s something in his eyes that she doesn’t quite recognize. “You don’t owe me anything.” 

“I want to,” she replies. “Someone’s got to keep your dick from freezing off – might as well be me, yeah?” 

He looks at her for a moment, then breaks, eyes crinkling with amusement, shaking his head. 

She shifts and gently pushes him onto his back, eager to take him apart the same way that he’d done for her. She draws the blankets over both of them and settles next to him, spitting in her hand before sliding her hand beneath his pants and moving straight for his cock. 

Cassian’s sharp intake of breath tells her that he’d expected her to tease him like he had her. Instead, she grins, sharp and feral, twisting her wrist over his hard shaft, brushing her thumb over the tip as she does so. 

“All this from just getting me off?” she asks idly, pressing herself up against his side. She nudges his chin up with her nose, giving her better access to his jaw and neck. Unlike him, she doesn’t pick a spot that he can cover up easily; she wants the whole base to know that Cassian Andor belongs to her. 

(Just as she does to him.) 

He shudders beneath her touch, his back arching up against the bed. But just as she senses he’s getting close to his release, she slows her hand, grip loosening. Just as she’d planned, he groans in disappointment, a curse leaving his lips. “Jyn.” 

She shushes him, moving to kiss him again. He surges up against her, one of his hands tangling in her hair, nails scraping against her scalp. 

“Easy, Captain,” she murmurs against his lips, knowing exactly what the use of his title does to him when he whines softly. “I’ve got you. You’re being so good for me .” 

He shakes, more so when she once again wraps her slick palm against his cock, deciding to put him out of his mercy. She increases her speed and she knows he’s close once he starts fucking up against her hand, hips moving unconsciously as he desperately chases his release. 

One of his hands grips the sheets beneath him, nails digging into the fabric. The other one reaches up, touching any part of her he can: her cheek, her neck, her breasts. “Jyn, please. . .” 

Then, in an echo of his earlier words to her, she leans forward and breathes into his ear, “Come on, Cassian. Come on.” 

That’s all it takes for him to spill over her hand, his body tense as he comes so beautifully beneath her. She strokes him lightly, coaxing more of his release out of him until he’s completely spent. But she waits until he’s watching to remove her hand from him, licking off the mess he made as she meets his heady gaze. He bites back a curse at the sight of her, eyes darkening. 

But as much as she wants to stay and wreck him further, they have an earlier meeting tomorrow morning. Reluctantly, she pulls away from him after one last kiss and slips from the bed, swearing a blue streak when her feet touch the frigid floor. 

“If I hear you laughing over there,” she threatens, nearly running to the ‘fresher to clean herself up, “I’m never jerking you off ever again.” 

To his credit, she doesn’t hear him laughing –– but that doesn’t mean he isn’t. Damned spy.

It only takes her a few seconds to wipe off her skin before she leaps back into bed. Since she’s in a charitable mood, she even brings back a cloth for Cassian –– though he’s on his own once she dives back beneath the covers. 

He, too, makes quick work with the clean-up process. Once he’s finished, he pulls her back to him, face-to-face, their limbs tangling together. With a tenderness that causes her chest to ache, he tucks the corners of the blankets around her so none of the cold air can sneak its way into her cocoon. 

Before settling back down, he kisses her forehead gently. Neither of them says anything but it passes in the air between them; she responds when she pulls him closer, arms snaking around his back and pressing her face against his heart. 

She still doesn’t like Hoth. But at least she has someone to keep her warm.

[sunlightandsuffering]

no but we need to know how teacher eren finally puts the pieces together and realises that that LIL SQUIRT /DEMON is his babey!! i imagine eren would first lose his shit and panic the fuck out, then after that feel so grateful (and maybe a lil turned on) that his sperm mommy is a hot catch! in fact the only woman he’s ever daydreamed of marrying. his sperm donation slip up couldn’t have worked out better 😌

OKAY I'LL DO IT!

"Nico, buddy so are you saying your mom used a sperm donor to have you?" "Yup," Nico tells him cheerily, kicking his legs out in the carseat, "Mommy did it all by herself! She says the only man she needs is me!" Eren does the math in his head, the time between when he dropped off his sperm at the sperm bank and when he took it back, nine months later, "Nico when's your birthday again buddy?" "October 4th!" Nico tells him excitedly.

The dates match up almost perfectly, and as he finally turns the corner onto the main road he has a very sneaking suspicion that maybe everyone isn't wrong when they assume Nico is his kid, he really just might be. To his immense surprise when he arrives at Nico's house Mikasa answers the door instead of his grandma, home for once after an early shift and she absolutely beams at Eren when she sees him. Nico runs up to hug her legs and she catches him happily, "Thanks so much Eren, I really appreciate it."

Eren is still in shock as he watches her, the most beautiful, perfect, amazing woman he's ever met and she could be the mother of his child.

He looks down at Nico, an almost carbon copy of him right down tot he bronze highlights in his chestnut coloured hair and the emerald green of his eyes, it's so obvious now. "Would you mind if I came in for a few minutes Mikasa?" "Sure," she tells him, shooing Nico off to wash up, "We can make tea." "I love tea!" Nico shouts, running off towards the bathroom, "I want lots of sugar in mine mommy!" Mikasa looks him over fondly before ushering Eren inside, "So what do you want to talk about?"

She leads him to a spot at her kitchen island where she sets her kettle to a boil and Eren swallows nervously, how does he even ask this? He's still in shock, the very idea, the possibility, the ridiculously slim chance that Mikasa might have used HIS sperm to create her child, that it could be their child. "I don't really know how to say this but umm Nico let me know you used a sperm donor to have him." "Yeah," Mikasa tells him honestly, unashamed of her pregnancy, "I was tired of everyone always asking me when I was gona settle down, so I just said screw it and settled down on my own."

She laughs a little, "No one was really thrilled about it, but why do you ask?" Eren is silent for a moment as he works himself up, attempting to ask the dreaded question but Mikasa is already jumping to conclusions, "Has he been acting out at school again? I know sometimes he gets like that about not having a dad, he feels left out."

Eren winces, Nico had acted out, but that's not exactly the problem here, in fact they might be remedying that problem all together with the answer to his next question. He takes a deep breath, "Mikasa, which agency did you use for your sperm donation." She gives him a weird look before shrugging, "I didn't use an agency, just that little sperm bank in town, it's cheaper, you know the Cryobank, I just picked a guy out of the catalogue and used him." Fuck. Her brows are furrowed as she tries to figure out why she's asking and Eren knows his next statement is going to be the nail in the coffin, "Do you umm, do you still have the papers you used talking about the donor?"

She nods, "Yeah, why would you--" And then she stops, her mouth parting in shock, a little squeak escaping her and Eren is already nodding to her unanswered question. She brings her hand to her mouth, shocked still, and Eren sighs, "I umm, I donated there, just once before I took all my sperm back but it was too late, they'd already used one sample."

Mikasa gasps, and Nico comes speeding down the hallway yelling about tea, running excitedly into his mother's legs before hopping up on the stol next to Eren. And never is it more clear than when he sits next to Eren, exactly who's kid he is. "Oh my god," Mikasa whispers and Eren sighs, "It's just a theory, the chance is so small but I'd like to do a DNA test just to check." "I don't even think it's necessary," Mikasa murmurs looking them over, "I think it's almost 100% chance its you." "What?" Nico asks excitedly and Eren has no idea how to tell him he's probably his dad.

"Nico go play," Mikasa tells him numbly and the little boy shrugs before running off. "I can't believe it." Eren sighs, "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have pried, it's just so coincidental." "No, I mean, I'm not upset Eren," Mikasa turns to him, a small smile on her face, "You're not exactly the worst person it could've been." He cracks a smile, "I guess not. But don't worry I'm not going to swoop in and try and be a dad or anything, I just I thought I should tell you." "But don't worry I'm not going to try and be over involved." Mikasa's eyes dart up to meet his and suddenly the smile on her face isn't so sweet, isn't so innocent anymore, it almost looks hungry, sultry, "Why not? I think Nico would be happy to have a dad." And then she truly breaks him with her next sentence, "Or better yet, a little sibling huh Mr. Yeager?" Fuck. Mikasa with child, carrying his fucking child, pregnant with his seed, and they do it the good old fashioned way. Eren short circuits, because she'd look fucking stunning pregnant with his kid yet again, she did such a great job with the first one, he wonders how she'd do with a second Yeager kid.

[gohyuck]

hometown (lee jeno) teaser

pairing: jeno lee x reader

genre: smut, angst

teaser word count: 1.5k

fic word count: 7k+ (it looks like it may end up being, like, 11-12k? i’m unsure)

teaser warnings: wet dream, one-sided emotional affair, jerking off into a shared bathroom sink, some discussion of math, general hatred of “the System”, mentions of depression

general plot warnings for the fic: infidelity: reader cheats on yuta and jeno cheats on his original character gf and neither of their partners find out so there isn’t even a nice little revenge scene at the end... it’s literally just them getting away with cheating, leftist thought points/philosophies discussed even if they aren’t outright stated as leftist, both implicit and explicit discussion of mental illnesses (mostly depression and suicidal ideation but like it isn’t explicit ideation and they don’t actually want to die they kind of just don’t want to exist), general disillusionment with the system, jeno and the reader are not very happy people and are actually full of a lot of hopelessness about society and the future of the planet as a whole, explicit mentions of American politics/legislation/etc. and implicit criticization of them, mentions of drugs (weed), the characters are so self-aware that it hurts me to write them because i feel bad for them and feel even worse for their significant others

A brief taste of hair in his mouth - he doesn’t like it, he decides then and there - before you pull yourself away from him, laughing softly at the way you’d accidentally shifted just as he’d leaned in to press a kiss against your forehead. You reach up to smooth the wrinkle between his eyebrows, a gesture more symbolic than anything, and he straightens his face out himself, trading the hair-in-mouth disgust in for the gentle smile he’d had just before being so rudely assaulted. It’s as you start to move your hand away from his face that the two of you meet eyes, and a corner of Jeno’s mouth turns up as he circles his hand around your wrist to stop it mid-air.

“Kiss?” He asks, one of his brows arched now. You can’t look at it too long, knowing that the urge to pluck away at his stray hairs will overcome you. Instead, you train your gaze on his cupid’s bow, thinner upper lip giving way to the kind of full lower lip you love to sink your teeth into. Jeno makes the prettiest noise when you do so.

“Mhm,” You respond, sounding noncommittal to the world but absolutely sure to the boy you’re straddling. He grins fully now, right before leaning up to capture your lips in his. The first touch is just a little clumsy, just slightly awkward, but after the initial meeting it’s only up from there. It’s easy, natural, the way you dissolve into each other, a mess of tongue and teeth as his hands grip the cloth across your back that much harder, as you grind the apex of your thighs down into his with that much more force. Time progresses at the speed of light. Time doesn’t progress at all.

It’s only a matter of seconds before Jeno cums in his pants, but it’s only a matter of seconds before you do, too. He knows it. It’s what happened when he’d actually lived through this, and it’s what happens now, over and over again, a moment preserved in time with a delicacy only minds can make. The stuff of dreams, literally.

Jeno wakes up right before it happens. It isn’t jarring only because he’s used to it. His fourth alarm of the morning is blaring, and he uses one hand to haphazardly wipe the sleep out of his eyes while extracting his other arm out from underneath his girlfriend in order to reach his phone. She’s sound asleep - she always is - and he envies her for a moment before turning the alarm off and, for good measure, turning his goddamn phone off too.

It’s a bit fucked, he realizes once he’s properly come to, for him to have a wet dream about you when Minhee is right there, still sleeping off the way he’d fucked her into the bed last night. He’s had this revelation twelve nights and days in a row now. For a split second he feels bad, feels as if he’s the worst person on Earth, but it’s easily overshadowed by the way his cock is straining in his boxers. This has happened for the past 12 days too.

Jeno’s always wanted to have a daily routine.

He slides out of bed, careful not to wake Minhee, before slipping the nearest shoes on - gold Nike slides, a birthday gift from Jaemin who’d insisted that Jeno wear colorful things even if it’s just in their dorm room - and making his way to the bathroom him and Jaemin share with Renjun and Donghyuck. They’re the best suitemates he could possibly have, but he’s even more glad in this moment: none of them will be awake ‘til noon. It’s a Saturday.

He can jerk off in peace.

Just in case, Jeno locks both the bathroom doors and double checks to make sure that they’re locked before he finally, finally slips a thumb under his waistband, forcing it down with almost gratuitous speed. He can’t help the soft grunt that bubbles up from the back of his throat as he wraps one hand around his dick. He braces the other against the mirror for balance, just in case.

Jeno swipes across the base of his tip with his thumb, his eyes sliding shut at the feeling. He moves his wrist up once, lets precum drool over his own fingers for a second before sliding his hand back down with purpose, slicking himself up to make the slide between his cock and his calloused palm easier. It isn’t Minhee’s face or body that sear themselves into the inside of his eyelids as he strokes himself, bottom lip folded in between his teeth. You’d love to bite it, tug on it. He imagines your face as you’d cum from grinding against him that one time.

He tightens his grip.

He’d never actually fucked you: you hadn’t wanted to lose your virginity to someone who was so starry-eyed, so untarnished by the ways of the world. You didn’t want to take the virginity of someone like that either. It felt wrong on every level somehow. You’d made sure to tell him so, never one to mince words, not even as a 16 year old. The breakup hadn’t come long after the singular time he had (in his pants, he remembers with a wince… always with a wince when he isn’t dreaming of it) and although it didn’t work out romantically between the two of you, you’d stayed friends for the rest of your high school careers. Even now, both in different parts of the country for college, the two of you keep up, more or less, with each other. It’s friendly in a way it wasn’t before.

You’d been having your manic pixie dream girl arc the year you’d dated him, Jeno supposes now. Cynical, hopeless, bitter at the world and hating everything and everyone. The world was and is awful, and you were too aware of it, or so you said. Jeno wants to laugh so badly at that old version of you, the one that had broken his heart, but he finds that he can’t anymore. A too-big part of him thinks you might’ve been right about everything.

You’d slept with YangYang Liu in senior year, had called Jeno afterwards to see if he’d go with you to get Plan B at 3 a.m. on a Friday. It’d been hardly a week after he’d cum embarrassingly early while sleeping with someone - a girl from his third period class - for the first time. He’d swallowed his suddenly resurfacing heartbreak to pick you up and drive you to the nearest CVS in the same car you’d made out with him so many times before. He’d swallowed his moans later that night as he lay in bed, fisting his cock tightly at the thought of gripping your thighs so hard they bruised, at sinking into you, at how warm, how wet, how tight - fuck!, he’d hissed to himself then, having bitten so hard into the hand he’d used to quiet himself that blood bloomed from broken skin.

Jeno had cum hard then, and he cums just as hard now, canine splitting the flesh of his lip as he muffles his long, drawn out groans. The metallic taste of blood is enough to push him further over the edge, and he practically hunches in on himself as spurts of opaque white liquid land in the bathroom sink. He’s satiated for now. He remembers all the work he has to do - midterms are upcoming - and his post-orgasm glory fades as soon as it’d come.

After an earth-shattering orgasm to properly wake him up, everything else feels twice as mundane as usual. Jeno’s quick to run hot water in the sink, making sure all evidence of his one-sided emotional affair is gone, before brushing his teeth and pissing. He’d shower, but for some reason he can’t bring himself to. Sometimes, he can’t bring himself to for two days, or three. Deodorant and Minhee’s perfume are his best friends now. Donghyuck, psych major that he is, calls it depression. Jeno, hellbent on never letting Hyuck be correct, calls it ‘finally experiencing ego death’.

He thinks Hyuck is right, though. He won’t say so.

Jeno’d come in as a mechanical engineering major, though he thinks he might switch to computer science. If he’s going to be a corporate shill - he’s realized, quite quickly, that there’s not much else to be - he may as well do it as efficiently as possible. He’d started college with the firm belief that the world is easy to change, and that he can help to do so. He’d dispelled this concept less than three weeks in.

He has midterms to study for, and corporate shill-dom to look forward to for it. Jeno should open the blinds - Jaemin isn’t here right now anyways, and Minhee’ll sleep through that, too - and sit down at his messy desk and get to work. He should study up on eigenvectors and eigenvalues - they’re easy, but they’re comfortable, and Jeno has started to like comfortable - or work through his solids textbook. He should, he should, he should.

Jeno doesn’t even pause between leaving the bathroom and climbing back into bed. Minhee shifts, and he presses a gentle kiss to her forehead before settling in beside her.

He has this moment, so he takes it. He doesn’t feel like he has many moments to himself anymore.

let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!

[robinrunsfiction]

It’s A Love Story - Part 2

Part 1

When Saturday arrived, (YN) had been so excited for her and Mikey’s birthday party, but the noise had been going on for what felt like ages and she needed a break. It wasn't like many people were talking to her, apparently Gerard's threats were even more intimidating with him in the corner keeping an eye on everything as their mom left him to chaperone while she stayed up in her bedroom, away from the teenagers. 

(YN) slipped away to her room, flopping back onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling when she heard a knock on the door frame. She sat up with a start and found Frank looking amused in the doorway.

"Avoiding your own party?" He asked.

"And I'll cry if I want to, or however the song goes. I dunno how Mikey got all of the outgoing genes in like the entire family. It's not really fair."

Frank laughed and nodded. "You and Gee do have that in common."

(YN) nodded. "You can come in ya know."

"I dunno what rules your mom has about boys in your bedroom," he said, padding across the floor to sit next to her.

"Oh you know you only got Gee and Mikey to be scared of," she replied, shaking her head. "What brings you up here anyway?"

"I got you a present," he said.

"Really?" (YN)'s eyes lit up and a grin formed on her face.

"Yea, umm, here," he said, pulling a small box out of his jacket pocket.

(YN) stared at it for a moment before carefully unwrapping it. Inside was a necklace with a blue sapphire charm. "Oh wow," she whispered.

"The lady at the store said it was your birthstone, but I didn't know if you'd like it," he trailed off with a shrug.

"I love it, it's so pretty!" She said, throwing her arms around him in a hug. "Thanks Frank."

"Of course, happy birthday (YN)," he replied, returning the hug.

"I'm gonna guess you didn't get Mikey the same thing?" (YN) laughed as she put the necklace on. 

Frank laughed. "Nah, I got him a CD," Frank replied before pausing, seemingly lost in thought. "It's kinda shitty how him and Gee scared off all the guys from you."

(YN) sighed. "I just wish they would have asked me how I felt about it first. But," she paused, drawing up every ounce of courage she could find, "as long as the guy I like keeps talking to me, it's fine."

Frank nodded before his eyes went wide and (YN) couldn’t help but laugh a little at the realization that had clearly just hit him. 

"And I seem to be the only guy that's ever talking to you."

"So that would mean," she trailed off, her cheeks burning.

"For real?"

"Yea, sorry," she replied, wrinkling her nose.

"No, no that's not what I meant. I mean, I like you too, (YN)."

She was surprised, but couldn’t help but grin. "It's dangerous to have a crush on me, ya know."

"I like to live dangerously," he smirked, and (YN) had to keep from melting on the spot as the air hung thick between them. 

"So what do we do now?" She asked softly.

“Well, I really wanna kiss you," he said, sliding closer to her, his hand on top of hers.

“Gee and Mikey will kill you,” she whispered as they started to lean in together.

“Then I’ll die happy," he whispered back.

“See you at your funeral,” she replied as Frank reached up and touched her cheek gently before closing the distance between them. Their lips met and (YN) had to try not to sigh, it was everything she had hoped it would be. 

When they pulled back, Frank was smiling like she'd never seen before. "Was that good?" She asked.

Frank furrowed his brow in confusion. "Yea, it was really good. Wait, was that your first kiss?"

(YN) nodded and bit her lip, her cheeks going pink again. "Yea."

A smile spread across Frank's face. "You wanted me to be your first kiss?"

"Duh," she laughed lightly. "Is that weird?"

"No, it's," Frank looked like he was trying to find the words to describe what he was feeling. "Fucking awesome," he finally replied.

(YN) smiled and shook her head, before looking down at the necklace she was now wearing. "Thanks for making this a really memorable birthday."

"You deserve it," he nodded. 

"We should probably go back downstairs before someone comes looking for us, or starts to suspect something."

"Yea," Frank agreed. "We'll talk soon about… us?"

"Sounds like a plan," (YN) nodded.

Frank leaned in, giving her another quick kiss before getting up and leaving her room.

(YN) sighed and flopped back on her bed again before letting out a squeal of utter glee.

~

The following week of school felt like the longest of (YN)'s life, all she wanted was for it to be Friday night. She and Frank had decided they were going to skip the weekly movie night with her brothers and Ray, and instead have their first date. When Friday evening finally arrived, (YN) couldn't get out of the house quick enough. 

"(YN) are you still in for movie night?" She heard Mikey ask behind her. She froze, wincing, hand inches from the doorknob.

"Oh, no sorry," she replied, turning to face her brother. "I'm going to Marie's, she's having some boy problems and wanted someone to talk to."

"Oh," Mikey shrugged.

"What's going on?" Gerard asked, walking into the living room.

"Guess it's just us and Ray tonight," Mikey explained.

"Where are you going?" Gerard asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Marie's. No Frank?" She asked, trying to remain inconspicuous.

"He said he's not feeling good, stomach thing," Gerard explained.

(YN) nodded. "That sucks... Well, I'll see ya later," she said before hurrying out the door, afraid they'd somehow see through her lies.

The walk to Frank's house was quick, she'd made it countless times before, but never before in this context, which added an extra spring to her step. By the time she arrived at the door, her heart was pounding.

"Hey," he said, immediately pulling her into a hug when she walked in. "I ordered a pizza a little bit ago, is that cool?"

"Yea, of course," she nodded before kicking off her shoes and dropping her purse by the door. "Umm, so did you tell your mom that we're," she trailed off.

"She's not home yet, but yea, just so she knows not to bring it up around the guys for some reason,” he said, leading the way into the kitchen. 

“That’s good,” she nodded, taking the soda that he offered to her.

An awkward silence hung between them as they stood in the kitchen. They normally would have been bantering easily, but there was now so much to talk about that neither seemed to know where to begin.

“So, umm-” Frank started, but before he could get any more words out, the doorbell rang. “Oh, hang on.”

(YN) nodded and made her way to the living room, plopping down on the couch.

"Thanks man, see ya Monday," she heard Frank say before walking into the living room with the pizza.

"Who was that?"

"Tucker. I didn't know he got a job delivering pizzas."

"Me neither, but no one tells me anything anymore," she laughed.

Frank laughed as he sat the pizza down on the coffee table in front of them. “What do you wanna watch?”

“Whatever you want,” (YN) shrugged as she picked up a slice of pizza.

Frank hummed as he perused his movie collection. “Got it,” he nodded, pulling one off the shelf, and putting it on. He settled onto the couch next to (YN) as he started the movie. After they both had their fill of pizza, Frank put his arm over her shoulder. "Is this ok?"

"Yea," she smiled, sliding over so she was resting against his side.

They sat in silence as the movie continued to play, but (YN) was only halfway paying attention. She was too busy thinking about Frank's hand on her shoulder, thumb rubbing small circles into the material of her shirt. She had just turned her attention back to the movie when a jump scare made her yelp and bury her face against Frank’s shoulder.

She heard the sound of the movie stop and Frank wrapped both his arms around her. "Shit, sorry," he murmured, rubbing her back soothingly.

"It's ok," she replied, pulling back from him enough to look up at his face. He was definitely concerned, and it warmed her heart.

"Do you wanna watch something else?"

"No, no, it's ok, we can keep watching this," she insisted. “I was just startled.”

"Ok, he replied, pressing play again, but she stayed curled up against him and he kept both his arms wrapped around her, holding her tighter than before.

"There's another jump scare coming up," Frank said a few minutes later.

(YN) whined a little and turned to hide her face against Frank's shoulder again when he caught her chin and she looked up at him. He leaned in and kissed her while the suspenseful music blared from the TV. (YN) smiled into the kiss as she wrapped her arms over his shoulders and he pulled her closer. Tentatively he deepened the kiss, and she tried not to get too excited that she was finally, truly, getting to make out with Frank.

It wasn't until the end credits were playing that they came up for air.

"I really liked the movie," (YN) laughed.

"Me too," Frank grinned. "And I really like you."

"You'd mentioned something about that before," (YN) smiled coyly, but couldn't help but blush a little. “Umm, so can I ask something?” Frank nodded so she continued. “When did you realize that you liked me?”

Frank scrunched up his face for a moment as he thought. “I think it was kinda gradual. When we started the band and you started doing your own thing with your clothing designs, I thought that was so cool.”

“Really?”

Frank nodded. "I don't always know who or what you're talking about, but it's cool seeing you be so excited about it. But," and then winced a bit. “If I’m gonna be totally honest, umm,” he trailed off.

“What?” 

“Please don’t think I’m a scumbag like Adam, but umm, at the pool party, I mean,” he rubbed his hands over his face. “You’re hot!” He finally blurted out and (YN) began to laugh.

“I don’t think you’re a scumbag, because I know you’re not gonna try to take advantage of me or anything,” she replied.

“I never would, you mean too much to me to do anything that would make you feel bad," he replied sincerely.

(YN) smiled. “That’s why I like you, ya know.”

“Hmm?”

“You always make me feel better about myself, even when I'm struggling through math class or whatever. And because when Gee or Mikey are being obnoxious and picking on me, you would always take my side," she smiled. “Plus you’re really cute and I really like watching you play guitar because it’s so cool.”

It was Frank’s turn to grin. "So are you gonna start coming to watch our practices?"

"I dunno, I don't wanna just seem like a groupie,” she laughed. “Or worse, raise my brothers' suspicions. I don't want them to freak out and kick you out of the band or something," she said, starting to pick at her nails.

"Hey," he started, taking her hands as she looked up at him. "I know you do that when you’re nervous, but whenever you're ready to talk to them, I'll be there. Until then, we'll keep things between just you and me."

"The secrecy is kinda fun, forbidden romance and all that," she smiled.

"And when it's not secret, it will be even better, because then I'll be able to do this whenever I want," he said leaning in and kissing her.

(YN) got completely lost in the amazing sensation of kissing Frank until the front door opened. They jumped apart as Frank’s mom walked into the house. She peeked in the doorway to the living room with a smile. “Hi Frank, hi (YN), don’t mind me!”

They both greeted her, and (YN) checked the time. “Ugh, it’s getting late, I should probably get home,” she said, getting up.

“Do you want me to walk you back?" Frank asked, following her to the door.

"Probably shouldn't risk it. You're supposed to be sick, remember?"

"Oh yea," he replied, sounding a bit forlorn.

"I promise I’ll try to figure out how to tell them soon."

Frank nodded. "Like I said before, whenever you're ready, I'll be right there with you. You're my girl."

(YN) felt her heart flip and her knees go a little weak as she threw her arms around Frank and buried her face against his neck. He held her close until she pulled back, and gave him a quick kiss.

"Let me know when you get home safe," he said as she headed out the door.

She waved over her shoulder, feeling like she was practically floating

Part 3

[smallblip]

Don’t drink the kool-aid

Levihan | rated for mentions of sex

It’s on Ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942904

“Levi... Think of a number between one and ten-“

Hanji says, her breathing is a little ragged, but she’s looking at him excitedly, like there’s something shiny that he has to offer and she’s taking the bait, biting down. Whatever it is, he knows she isn’t going to let go. But he wishes she would-

“Really Hanji? You wanna fucking do this now?” Levi says, he looks down to where their bodies are connected. She laughs and wriggles above him, “just answer the question!”

Levi regrets letting her take control of the situation. Regrets letting her flip them over so she’s on top, promising to ride him until he’s spent and her thighs are burning.

Because right now she’s really not delivering on that promise.

Levi nods, letting her know he’s playing her little game.

She wraps an arm around her chest, another hand coming to stroke her chin. Levi sighs. He shifts uncomfortably under her.

“Seven!” She announces, like whatever shiny incentive there is is within grasp.

“No. Four...” Levi replies, watching as Hanji slumps against his chest. He can’t see her face from where it’s buried against his neck, but he knows she’s pouting.

“Idiot...”

This is how you love in this world. First you toss out the word love. You tell it to its face that Commander Erwin Smith says “love is the ultimate cult of men... A sect... A dirty ploy by the whatever god is up there to make us all vulnerable..." Erwin spits the last word in disgust. "Is that what you want? To be sheeple?”

They are having one too many drinks at the pub and Hanji is laughing her head off at whatever subconscious train of thought streams out of Erwin’s mouth. Love isn't the only thing that can render a man vulnerable. She thinks alcohol is far more practical, and yet, Erwin doesn't seem to have any complaints about it.

Levi shoots Hanji a look, a little tired, yet a little amused despite his frowning- want me to knock him out?

She shakes her head- no, this is fun!

Erwin catches them making eyes at one another and he points from Levi to Hanji, then back to Levi again. “Don’t you dare fall in love... Both of you... You’re too good for that...” Erwin says before taking another swig of whisky. Except it’s a little late in the night and Levi has already swapped it for water. Hanji wonders how long it would take for him to notice.

But it’s a little late and the alcohol settles as a blush on the bridge of Hanji’s nose, and Levi is staring at her now, a little too tender for comfort.

Hanji averts her gaze, this is far too much to deal with now. So she turns her attention back to Erwin instead, chuckling, she says “you must be fun at parties...”

Erwin wakes up the next morning with a colossal headache. “What did I say last night?” He groans at a meeting that’s really just everyone staring at one another with bloodshot eyes.

“Nothing out of the ordinary...” Hanji says, chipper through her hangover. But Erwin catches her and Levi sniggering to one another later. He wonders what the joke is.

But that’s how you talk about love in this world- you don’t. Instead, you replace it with the feeling of bandages wrapped taut over torn skin and broken bones.

“Gentle, Levi... These bones cannot take more breaking... I did the math...” Hanji is wincing and already she’s withdrawing from his touch. He chides her. If she stays still this would all go by much more painlessly. "Stay still or I’ll break your legs too..." he says, but the menace disappears behind deep concentration.

“Thank you...” she says when he’s testing the integrity of her bandages, and his heart misses a beat.

Strange how broken bones can heal themselves in time. But the dull throbbing in his heart and the wrenching in his gut don’t go away. Maybe it just means nothing’s broken. Maybe this is the feeling of life itself. Of the universe telling him hey... You're not done for yet... You've still got a lot of living to do...

After all, this is how you love in this world. First you look romance in the eye and tell it to take a walk. Tell it that it has no business in these parts of town.

Some days Levi is bestowed with the blessing of self-awareness, enough to know he has the romantic capacity of a child with a playground crush.

He kicks her under the table during a meeting, you idiot I told you this was a bad idea, he glares her down, hoping she would somehow read his mind. And somehow, whether by some sort of hallowed bond between them or sheer dumb luck, she does.

She narrows her eyes at him-

watch me.

He pulls her back by her cape, "don’t go charging into danger you idiot!" And he wants to let the sentence run on, you have to be safe, to live a long life, prove the gods wrong, but he doesn’t. Instead he purses his lips and his hand drops from her cape to her arm.

She narrows her eyes, lips pursed. Hanji has always had a rebellious streak and an untamable spirit, and it shows in the way she juts her chin out at him-

watch me.

So Levi learns to love in other ways.

He squeezes her hand before battle, like a silent prayer for deliverance. And she squeezes back, fingers lacing with his, eyes bright with determination- a promise to make it back home.

He drapes his cape around her when she falls asleep at her desk, fingers tracing the lines between her brows, and she relaxes. She dreams of fresh laundry and a small, clean cottage that smells like him. And she learns that love can be kind.

Love is tender, love is kind, love is Hanji’s fingers circling his wrist, her hand on his cheek, her arm around his shoulder. Love is her touches that ghost his forehead, down his nose- little gossamer touches; like butterflies. Like she’s trying to remember every detail before it’s too late. But it’s still early and they still have relatively long lives to lead. Whatever it is “long” means in this world.

“This is easy...” she says, ambiguous.

“What is?” he asks.

“This,” she says again, pressing a kiss to his cheek when they’re sitting in the trees, recovering from battle.

And Levi thinks it’s funny how things turned out. Neat freak, disciplined soldier, fussy little runt from the underground, trailing after a person with a penchant for the macabre and little capacity for decorum. Like two opposite poles of a magnet, pulled together by forces unknown.

He remembers joining the Corps and meeting Hanji Zo��, and thinking he doesn’t want anything to do with her. But somehow along the way she has crawled under his skin, sinking into the chambers of his heart, made a home out of him.

They’re lined up on their horses behind the gates, and Erwin is saying something about freedom, about the cause, about fighting and spirit and bravery. Hanji turns to him in the middle of it all, and Levi braces himself. What's it going to be this time? A joke about sheeple? A comment about the flowers beyond the walls?

“Levi, think of a number between one and ten!” She says, and his instinctive reaction is to roll his eyes. But he nods anyway, crease between his brows relaxing when he watches her smile.

“Five!”

“Three...”

“No way!” She kicks herself. She had been so sure she’d get it right. After all, in the years that have gone by they learn to trust one another, lean on one another. She translates his words with clarity and he tells her how she’s really feeling past her burying herself in work. No matter. The gates are opening and Levi watches her eyes light up in wonder. She looks at him one last time before they ride beyond the gates, and Levi knows what that look means-

this is my favourite part.

He smiles back at her-

mine too.

And Levi thinks he had spoken too soon about not wanting anything to do with Hanji Zoë. Because now he looks for her in the battlefield, he needs to know she’s alright. And every single goddamn time, he finds her looking for him too. And it hits him like a brick, because this is how you love in this world. Levi stares love down from across the room, pocket knife drawn by his side, he tells it to go fuck itself. But the thing about love- it has always had a rebellious streak, and an untamable spirit. It makes its way under your skin and builds a little home for itself nestled within arteries, heartstrings, and skin upon skin upon skin-

First, comes the tentative touches. Like a deer peeking past the trees in the forest. Hanji laughs too much, and it makes his heart beat out of his chest, but it also throws him off. “Stop laughing!” He snarls, but that only makes her laugh harder.

“Don’t look so scared Levi...” she says.

Levi scoffs. He wants to tell her he isn’t scared. But there’s never a point in lying to Hanji. The fact that they’re so transparent to one another proves inconvenient at junctures like these. He tries to think of something else- anything else. But it shows on his face, and she’s giggling again.

It shouldn’t be this difficult. He’s too old for this degree of imprecision. It shouldn’t be difficult at all- first you undress your partner, then yourself, and then everything will fall into place.

Now they’re both stark naked, and Levi can see the goosebumps rising on her skin. He knows he’s supposed to do more than stare at her face. But-

Her hand finds his and she presses their palms together, fingers intertwined, we’re okay. You ready?

And that’s how they love in this world. That’s their signal- palm against palm, fingers laced, a little squeeze- ready? Go! There’s no turning back now.

Sometimes it’s the feeling of fingers digging so deep they bruise, of hair-pulling, of teeth scraping against flesh- a reminder that affection and pain are lovers.

In these times, kisses taste like blood. It’s unclear whose blood it is- only that they all taste the same at the end of the day- like rust and iron and the earth. And Levi doesn’t want to dwell on the details lest it distracts from the way her hands slide under his shirt, the way she guides them to the bed. He wants to comment on how the sheets are ruined beyond salvation, but Hanji doesn’t let him. Oh well. It’s nothing a little soap and a hot iron can’t solve.

Her hands seek his out, and she places them on her neck. I want it harder, every time, that means I want it harder. And Levi gives.

Next comes a reckoning that's something short of divine.

“When are we going to admit we love each other and move on?” Levi asks after, hands stilling on Hanji’s sides, just below her chest.

Don’t stop... she guides his fingers to stroke her skin again, and he does, tracing each bump and raise, each a testimony to survival, feeling the rise and fall of her ribs.

“That would be too easy now wouldn’t it?” She grins sleepily at him.

And love is anything but easy in this world, so why should it make an exception for them?

“My mother once told me to really reel a man in, you gotta slip through his fingers, let him give chase a little...” Hanji chuckles, eyebrows wagging.

Levi scoffs.

“An old geezer at the pub once told me if you know how to give a woman an orgasm, she’s yours forever...” And Levi almost regrets saying this. He doesn’t know why he says most of anything he says. But the words come easy, sloppily when he’s with Hanji. And Hanji never seems to mind, armed with a repository of equally horrific things to say.

“I mean... He’s not wrong...” she shrugs, and Levi thinks maybe this is as good a declaration of love as he’s going to get. He wonders if he’d be alright with this if they weren’t poking a stick at death all the time. Then again, he has fallen in love with a person born with a stick in her hands. So maybe it comes as a package deal.

Levi scowls at her and pinches her nose, “disgusting...”

But she does slip through his fingers a little, returning to him an eye short, a new title gained, and a fog in her lungs that makes it hard to breathe. Levi feels a dull ache in his heart that doesn't go away. This time he's certain that something's broken.

He kicks a chair towards her and sits her down, "you have to rest you idiot. You barely eat, you haven’t slept."

She narrows her eyes at him, “there’s no time, Levi... There are things I have to do...”

Already she’s getting up, but Levi grabs her arm and glowers at her wordlessly, one day you’re going to drop dead and we’ll all have a dead fucking commander on top of every other fucking inconvenience we’ve been dealt.

And Hanji shoots him a look. The one that says watch me do everything you told me not to do. But her expression softens when she sees the anxiety in his eyes. Because she recognises the look on his face- she had worn the same concern when she had found him after Isabelle and Farlan passed. The same look every time they return from beyond the walls. And she regrets pushing him away. She hates it with every fibre of her being. So she squeezes his hand before she leaves, I’ll be alright...

He squeezes back.

And that’s how you love in this world. You take whatever instinct there is to keep your lover from danger, to drag her kicking and screaming from the frontlines. To tell her to stop being petulant and sit this one out. Instead, all Levi manages is a- “don’t you dare go running off playing hero again Hanji! You hear me? Don’t you fucking dare,” when they’re alone again in her quarters, two naked bodies lying by candlelight.

And she grins at him, the nerve, the audacity. She actually grins at him.

“Hey Levi, think of a number between one and ten...” she says, and he really doesn’t want her to change the topic. He wants her to promise him. To swear on everything good that’s left in this world that she’ll be safe. But it’s also too late to pretend he isn’t going to play along.

“Ten?” She guesses.

“Five...” he smiles.

Hanji smiles back, “still got it!”

And he kisses her like it's the first time. He always kisses her like it's the first time. Soft, lingering, like a drizzle in the middle of Summer, like raindrops clinging to skin. She smiles at him when they pull apart-

this is my favourite part.

He smiles back at her-

mine too.

↭

And Hanji thinks it's truly ridiculous. It's a scandal really. Erwin was right. This is mind-control of the highest and most elegant order. Whatever this feeling is, it has possessed her to build an alter from stick and stone and stitches over torn skin.

A little commune for two in the forest.

Levi’s hand is in hers, but she faces away from him. She doesn’t want to see him like this. Not when it manifests an ache in her heart that she doesn't quite know how to nurse. How will they recover from this?

“When are we going to admit we love each other and move on?” Hanji asks absentmindedly. She thinks it’s alright to bend the rules of this world a little. It's okay to talk about love, to give a name to the horror that plagues them. Because whatever conspiracy this whole love business is pedaling, she thinks it’s pretty goddamn convincing, and they might as well admit it.

But they’ve gone so long without having to use words, and Levi doesn’t want to jinx it-

“That would be too easy now wouldn’t it?”

And this is how you love in this world, romance comes in unexpected forms. It's been so long since they've been alone like this. And Hanji dreams of fresh laundry and a small, clean cottage that smells like him. She hopes to god Levi sees it too- and he does. He sees it every time he looks at her. But he settles for the next best option. He takes whatever words left unsaid and hoards them into a stockpile of recurring motifs that are proxy for affection-

"Four eyes... I'm thinking of a number between one and ten..." Levi manages through the pain, and he knows it's all worth it because he gets to watch that smile spread across her face.

"Two?" She says, only a little above a whisper.

"One... You're getting closer..." He says, like a prophecy, because immediately, she closes the gap between them and presses a kiss to his forehead, then to the corner of his lips. She lays down next to him and he musters all the strength in the world to push a stray strand of hair from her face. Like the lifting of a veil-

this is my favourite part.

She smiles back at him-

mine too.

↭

Wall Maria has been breached. The day is breaking and soon everything will spiral out of hand. But for now, it’s still dusk and the sun has barely made its way past the horizon. There’s something so rare and sacred about this moment that it feels surreal.

Levi can’t remember the first part of the conversation. They must have been talking about something stupid. They always are. But the next part falls into place so beautifully that it has to be premeditated somehow. Maybe Erwin was right. This is all some sort of grand scheme, a cult of wonder.

“Don’t tell me you’re in love with me, four eyes...”

“What a ridiculous notion...” Hanji replies with a scoff and a little chuckle. Because this is how you love in this world. You look love in the face and think, oh god no, really? Of all the people in this world, him? But love is tender, love is kind, love is Levi holding onto the belt around her waist as she tip-toes across a short ledge so she doesn’t fall.

“Me? In love with you?” She continues, throwing her head back to laugh. Her arms are out, she’s getting pretty good at keeping balance. But Levi’s hand is still there regardless.

Levi clicks his tongue, “idiot...”

It’s good that they don’t speak of love. After all, this is as far as love goes in this world- the swell in Levi’s chest and all the words left unsaid, translated into a curated repertoire of looks and touches. A hand on the small of her back means I’ve got you.

And god is it inconvenient to love in a world like theirs. It’ll inevitably end in heartbreak, and Levi doesn’t enjoy being a cliché in a tragedy. He hears Erwin’s voice echoing in his head, “don’t fall in love... Just don’t...”

But he looks at Hanji, his lips curve into a smile when she looks back at him grinning. It’s just a moment, but Levi recognises the look, and Hanji sees it too in the glint of his eyes.

Her hand in his says we’re in this together, a squeeze says it’ll all be alright. And a look of determination tells the rest of the world to take a walk.

In this world, they tell you not to fall in love. It's a recipe for disaster. Like cyanide in a Styrofoam cup.

But Hanji kisses him, and she looks at him like he has something shiny to offer, like he’s slipping it into her pockets. There’s a look in her eyes and Levi knows exactly what it means-

watch me.

[statticscribbles]

Abandoned 10

Summary: Jasper Hale/Reader

This is the tenth piece in my Abandoned Series; the continuation of this imagine can be provided by: two or more requests for it in the ask box

Jasper is much quieter than Edward about his relationship, he carefully explains to you how his family reacted last time a human had been brought around, mumbling the family drama in between kisses.

“Wait so basically you guys caught the attention of the vampire mafia and they just left you alone?” Jasper laughs a little. “Somewhat, they’ll probably try again, it’s kind of why I’m trying to keep you hidden, the more safety the better.” “And the massive pack of werewolves isn’t enough?” “It helps, but I prefer more low-key anyways.” You nod curling into his chest. “I prefer it too, wouldn’t want everyone giving me stares for taking Jasper Hale away from their daydreams.” He laughs again and shakes his head. “Edward’s heard their daydreams, being in a relationship doesn’t stop them. You should hear some of the things he hears about Bella.” You smile. He turns to the window, watching the sun dip. “Time’s up huh?” He nods kissing you and sliding out the window.

You’re shuffling through the halls trying to avoid everyone as usual. You can see the Cullen’s resting in their usual spot by the wall. You slide past them, refusing to look as you can feel their eyes on you. It lasts less than a few seconds before you’re on your way to English. You slip into your seat grimacing as the teacher starts to talk about your next project. Math is less exciting your teacher scolding you for your low score on the last test. You nod, making your way to lunch. You sit at the edge of the cafeteria, you watch the Cullen’s out of the corner of your eye as everyone does. You let your thoughts drift, already you can feel the anxiety bubbling under your chest as you think of your mother visiting this weekend. You know she’ll ask all sorts of questions and snap at you. You rub your hands over your head and sigh, dragging yourself from the cafeteria and start walking home. You can feel Jasper’s eyes lingering on you as you leave. You make it home unlocking your door and wincing as you can hear your mother moving around upstairs.

“Mom! I got off early! Uncle Evan isn’t here. He’s at work and-“ You mother appears on the stairs frowning. “Your room is a mess, and the other rooms are so dusty.” “I don’t go into any other rooms besides mine and the bathroom. Downstairs is much nicer it’s where we spend most of our time.” You mother nods settling herself on the couch and waiting expectantly. “Where’s dad?” “He couldn’t make it, work is taking up all his time as usual.” You nod. Sitting awkwardly in the armchair. “I can call Evan and see if he can come home and-“ “I already called him. He’s on his way.” “Of course. Tea?” You hold out a mug and she nods to the table where you place it, you can hear the door open and sigh gratefully as your uncle walks through. “Hey Vivian.” “Evan.” She nods and he scowls. “You weren’t supposed to be coming up for another week. Why so early?” You watch your mother frown. “I wasn’t sure how I’d find the house if you had time to prepare and clean everything.” She huffs.

“Well as I’m sure your daughter has told you we only spend time downstairs.” He rolls his eyes and your mother nods turning to you. “Don’t you have homework?” You nod using the excuse to rush upstairs and into your room. You scowl, your books and everything on your shelves having been moved. You turn when you see Jasper standing against your closet. “Your mom seems, detail orientated.” You turn frowning shifting your books from alphabetical order back to how they were organized. Jasper freezes, sliding out of the window winking as you turn your mother barging in. “You uncle assured me you’re fine here. I’m leaving now.” She pulls you into a surprisingly warm hug and holds you for a moment. “You can come home anytime you need.” “I know mom, I know. I like it here, the weather is perfect.” She laughs as the rain picks up. “Of course you love it here, it’s always raining. The forest looks incredible, don’t wander too far.” She kisses your forehead and turns to the door. “Hey mom, don’t be a stranger, but please plan your visits.”

“Of course, now I have quite a drive ahead of me.” She smiles and you follow her down hugging her at the door. You turn to your uncle as she drives away. “Wow thirty minutes, record visit.” He laughs and you nod. “How was it?” He shrugs and you nod again. “She complained how messy the house is, I told her she was welcome to stay, she refused, as usual. And said she hopes you’re keeping your grades up and that no boys are distracting you.” He laughs a little and you squirm under his gaze. “Besides that crush you have, and yes it’s totally a crush. No one’s caught your interest?” You shake your head face pinking. “You should ask him for dinner, or whatever kids do these days, actually don’t do that, be safe. Consent and all that.” You frown at him. “Sorry was that too awkward?” “I haven’t even talked to him outside school. We’re not even friends.” You shrug and he pulls you into a side hug. “Seriously kid, just another half year to go and then you can go wherever you want. I know this is tough, it’s just till you’re 18.” You nod looking nervously back up the stairs. “She mess up your room again?” You nod shrugging a little. “Hey, you going to be alright?”

“Yeah. Just sucks being reminded I have no friends or really anyone besides you here. I don’t mind, but sometimes it hurts a little.” You shrug again and your uncle pulls you into a full hug. “Well how about after school tomorrow we go up to the river spot you like so much, I have the day off anyways.” He smiles crookedly and you return his hug. “I’d love that.” “No go up and fix your room before you have a panic attack.” Jasper’s still gone when you get back up and you finish rearranging your books and shelf, before putting away your laundry and starting your homework. It’s after ten when you give up hope of him reappearing, instead curling under your covers and trying to sleep.

You wake up groggy and shower, shoving yourself into your clothes and out the door. Your uncle drives you to school and as you get out you’re surprised to see the Cullen’s absent. The rain is pelting your already wet hair and you can feel your uncle’s chiding voice digging into your ears about how you’ll get sick. You skid into class curling against the radiator that you’re thankfully sat next to. You’re walking toward your usual table in lunch when Jasper arm swings around you and pulls you to his table. You blink up at him as he stretches sitting in his usual spot gesturing to the chair he pulled over. “Sit.” You obey nervously looking to the rest of his family. “We know you know. Jasper told us everything last night.” You blink at Edward. “So is the vampire mafia going to kill me now?” Emmett laughs smiling. Rosalie rolls her eyes. “I like her. You have good taste.” Emmett smiles at you and you shift in your chair. “Really hoping that’s not a double entendre.” Emmett laughs more. And Edward grimaces. “Jasper, really? Can you please not.” Jasper blinks at him and then smirks. “Feeling it is worse.” Edward scowls and you look confused. “What happened?” Bella smiles her voice lowering.

“Edward can read minds, Jasper can sense and change emotions, Edward more than likely heard Jasper’s thoughts, which Edward has had similar, so Edward trying to call him out on it is silly, especially when feeling things is worse than just thinking them.” She high fives Jasper who smirks again at Edward. “Wait, so you can just make people happy whenever you want?” “Yes. I can also-“ “Why’s Edward so grumpy then.” Rosalie laughs this time. “Esme is going to love her.” “Oh I forgot to tell you, I’m going hiking with my uncle later today! So I’m busy. Sorry.” You frown at the last part and Jasper pulls you closer. “It’s okay, Emmett and I were going to go hiking as well, less hiking more predators.” You frown twining your hands together. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Just a couple of bears.” Emmett shrugs. “No I mean the rangers put out a new limit on hunting, they’re checking everyone that comes in and out of the forests.” You chew your lip. “We’re going past Seattle to get it.” You nod appeased for the moment they wont be in danger. Emmett walks you to your shared biology class. “You do realize we’re like the worlds top predators, and we don’t exactly use guns, this isn’t anymore dangerous than you going to a café for a coffee.” You frown at him. “I just don’t want any of you to get hurt. It wouldn’t sit well with me.” He rolls his eyes.

You’re standing outside waiting for your uncle as he finishes getting his camera ready for the hike. He appears, locking the door and you both start up into the forest. “It’s nice you’re so easy to please you know, most kids want expensive shit and you lose your shit when it rains, it’s great. I’ve never saved this much money on Christmas and birthdays before.” He laughs and you nod jogging ahead excitedly. He overtakes you easily and you can hear his startled gasp. There are two wolves across the river. One a sandy blond, and the other a light gray almost silver, you uncle looks overjoyed, and you can see his camera moving. You’re nervous, they look huge, too big to be wolves and you hope Jasper hasn’t run into them; they look like they could do serious damage. You uncle steps forward and the wolves take no notice, you creep forward with him but hover back as he leans over the edge of the river on his stomach to try to get a better angle. He pulls himself back up and you can see the wolves have noticed growling and snarling as he nervously backs up, slipping and twisting his ankle as he stumbles from the river’s edge. The sudden movement he makes startles you, the muddy edge also claiming you as victim as you slip backwards gashing your head on a rock. You hiss, feeling slightly dizzy as you stumble towards your uncle.

“Shit.” He hisses and you nervously hover, half trying to drag him towards the trail. It takes you an extra two hours but you both manage to make it back to the house where you uncle hobbles to his car and insists you’re both going to the hospital.

“I’m fine! It was just a little rock is all. Nothing. Nothing bad.” You clutch your head wincing as the lights seem to distort for a moment. You can see the nurse who’s bandaging up your uncles ankle frown and call someone over. “Hello there. While I’d prefer we meet under better circumstances, let’s have a look.” You hiss and try to jerk away as the man shines a light into your eyes, you thrust your hands out trying to shove him away. “Warn me next time, it hurts.” “The light hurts?” He sounds worried. “I have a migraine from the rock.” You think he nods, but he carefully picks you up and places you on a hospital bed. “Just to check. I don’t think anything is wrong it’s a safety measure.” You can hear him talking to your uncle and then you start to fall asleep. The man shakes you awake scowling.

“Don’t sleep.” You nod blinking more as the bright light is suddenly gone from your vision. You recongnise you’re getting a MRI and the darkness seems to help clear your head. You don’t feel tired anymore or dizzy and as you wait for the nurse to come pull you out you hope you uncle is okay. “All done sweetheart, now lets get you seated here and-“ You cringe when the light’s flicker on. “Don’t worry we’ll move you to a dark room. We just have to get there first.” You nod keeping your eyes shut as you feel the hospital bed enter a darkened area. “There.” You open your eyes smiling at your uncle who’s leg is propped up. “Broke it.” You wince. The doctor comes in. “I’m going to shine this in your eyes now, try not to slap me again.” Your uncle laughs and you bite your lip. “Sorry about her Dr. Cullen.” “Just Carlisle is fine. Well seems everything is fine, you don’t have a serious concussion, and no sign of any other damage besides that cut, which we stitched up and your wrist.”

“Wait I have stitches?” Carlisle nods. “You kept your eyes closed so I just went ahead and saved you the trouble.” He smiles holding out a needle and thread that’s packed in a little sterile pocket. “What about my wrist?” You turn noting the cast for the first time. “Shit.” You blink at him and he smiles. “Just temporary, it’s not broken, but I figured it might be better than a sprain brace, they tend to make it worse before they get better.” “Thanks.” You nod. “Can we go home now?” Carlisle nods and you stand up swaying slightly as you uncle moves forward on his crutches. “My son offered to drive you home.” You uncle nods in thanks and you make your way to the car staring at Emmett in the drivers seat. He smirks. “Your chauffer has arrived.” He swings himself out opening the doors and helping your uncle in. You slid in while he’s fussing with the crutches and Emmett smiles starting the car and driving to your house.

“My dad was saying you drove here with a broken ankle. Very dangerous.” He tuts chuckling as you uncle laughs. “It wasn’t broken when I got in the car.” “So the car broke it?” Emmett turns eyeing the cast you have. “Can I sign it?” You nod holding it out as he pulls a marker out from his pocket. He smiles at you and opens the door after he takes your uncles keys. “Do you want me to do anything else? Take out trash? Laundry?” “You’ve done more than enough thank you. We can handle it from here.” “Make sure to elevate it!” He calls out as the closes the door.

Support My Writing?

[abbynx]

La Squadra Housemate, College AU Part 1

Genre: Platonic

This has been in my drafts in like... forever and i got sick staring at it. Enjoy the culmination of my delirium induced by sleep depravity!

It was one of those days again. The empty feeling settling between your chest, as you resume to your daily activities, head on autopilot because that's just how repetitive your days were, just slaving away in your desk, be faced with things to do such as the essays, the math equations, essay analysis... The lessons and lectures were different everyday, and yet all the same. You didn't even cared to take a break anymore, knowing full-well of the works which awaits you so why delay it? It's not like your homemade snack will make you feel any better. 

Another term paper finished, time to pass it tomorrow and have the professor tear it in front of you just in case you had a minimal typographical error, before you resort to picking it up to see where the hell did you go wrong. It ached the first time, but as time goes by, you just simply move on and comply, hurting inside but what's the point of getting it all out? A waste time, that is. You've been over it and quite frankly, it was getting so excessively pointless. 

Setting the paper aside, you went to get a hold of another one of the work next in line with a sigh. Exhaustion lingers on with the emptiness within, powered by forced determination to finish everything within your plate and burn yourself out in the process. I mean, isn't this the way to success all of them have been saying? If you resume to do this and go through the route of life, then you'd end up walking everywhere with an IV tube up your arm. 

There was a knock at the door you didn't hear and acknowledged, until the person from the other side of the door lets himself in. 

 "Hey Y/N, I said Illuso made some overcooked crap downstairs. Get your ass down and take a break." Sorbet would usually leave upon relaying the message in mind, but he remained standing by the doorway anticipating for your response, an acknowledging nod would be enough to send him on his way but your unresponsiveness prevailed.

 "Y/N! How many times do we have to call you, huh?! Get your ass down or we'll eat without you!!!" Ghiaccio's shrill voice boomed from downstairs, prompting Sorbet to wince and lift a finger up to his ear to plug it up. 

 "Go ahead, I'll catch up later." Your recent attitude alone has gotten all of your housemates concerned but they let you be because days like these were inevitable amidst the hectic days in university, but it's been weeks since you let your works take a hold of your reigns. 

 "Oh no, you don't. you're not sneaking in the kitchen at three in the morning to eat cold pasta. Come on now, take a break for once." Sorbet approached you, hand on your shoulder. "It's been weeks since you took your sights off those damns books. Just eat, okay?" 

 "I don't know, Sorb's... I have things to do and get done-- you know that, right--?" 

 "I know and it's tiring. Come now, just take a break for a moment. I promise you'll feel better." 

 For a moment you contemplated and reconsidered rejecting his offer, seeing his point but you were in dire need to be responsive with your work. You took a deep heave of breathe, lifting your palm up to cup your forehead, thumb brushing over your temple pulsing with headache you've yet to soothe. He's right, you haven't eaten anything at the duration of the day, as you've barely left your study desk in your room.

 "Okay. Just wait a moment, I'll be there--" Sorbet interjects sharply by pulling you by the wrist before you can touch anything on your desk, knowing full-well you wouldn't leave it alone unless someone were to physically drag you off it.

 "Ah Y/N, good to see you out of your cave." Proscuitto remarks with slight scrutiny, setting a plate on your usual spot on the dinner table. 

 "What's taking you too long anyways? Are you--" Formaggio positions his hand above his crotch, making a jerking off motion, which warrants him a smack from Sorbet. 

 "They were studying, you perv." The dark haired housemate narrows his glare at Formaggio as he seats himself on his usual spot, beside his boyfriend Gelato.

 "Says the one who got caught jacking it off in the hallway." Illuso scoffs, leaning his back against his chair. 

 "Oh yeah?" Formaggio challenges, leaning on the dinner table, clenching on his fork. Before anything can escalate, Risotto clears his throat. 

 A small laugh slips from your lips as you pulled yourself a seat between Ghiaccio and Melone. For a moment you forgot about the paperwork waiting for you back in your room, but it can wait. It's not like they'll leave. Sorbet was right, a quick break or two will make you feel better. 

~0~

 Sorbet bit his lip to fight his anxiety back, his clammy hand hidden at the depths of his shallow pocket to feel around its content whilst Formaggio starts the game. Here's to hoping nothing too terrible happen. 

 "I'm passing this phone to someone with the shortest temper." Formaggio bites his bottom lip in front of his front camera, rubbing his chin before passing the phone to Ghiaccio. 

The cerulean blue haired narrows his gaze at the phone owner, before recording himself. "I'm passing this phone to someone who's too obsessed with themselves." 

 Illuso raises his brow at the current phone holder, a hand instinctively landing atop his chest, before he gets ahold of the phone and pressed record once again, "First of all, I'm not obsessed with myself and second, I'm passing this phone to someone who planted a fake positive pregnancy test in the bathroom for fun." 

 "It was for scientific purposes!" Melone exclaims, before claiming the phone. "I'm passing this phone to someone who dropped their cookie but instead of throwing it out, gave it to me and watched me eat it." The lilac head playfully tosses the phone back to its owner, in which he catches it just in time it hits the wall. 

 "Pfft, it's your fault you fell for it." Formaggio cackles. "I'm passing this phone to someone who belted out G10 in the shower when the lights blacked out." 

"You're never gonna let me live that down, aren’t you?" Pesci reaches for the phone with red in his cheeks. "I will be passing the phone to someone who's the sanest in this household—"

 "BOOO! BORING!" 

 "Oh shut it," Sorbet smacks Formaggio, before collecting the phone from Pesci's grasp. "I'm passing this phone to someone who thinks pineapple on pizza is superior." He rolls his eyes, before passing it to his boyfriend. 

 "Um, sir— it does taste great! You're lucky you're cute, otherwise I would've torn you apart." Gelato snatches the phone from his boyfriend before focusing on the camera. "I'm passing the phone to someone who doesn't know how to cross the road because they're scared." 

 "Ugh, rude!" You took the phone from the blond with a roll of your eyes. "I'm passing the phone to someone who left me on the other side of the busy highway to cross a busy road." 

 "You were too slow, that's why. I'm passing the phone to someone who screamed at us for a solid minute, accusing that one of us stole his glasses whilst his glasses rested on his head." Risotto hands the phone to the person who has yet to receive the phone. 

 "I'm passing the phone to someone who burned the whole kitchen at three in the morning because they left to stove on to cook peanut butter because we ran out of peanut butter." Prosciutto hands you the phone.

 "I'm passing the phone to someone who was petting and cooing at a pile of laundry thinking it was a cat." You glared at Prosciutto, before passing the phone to Formaggio. 

 "What? It was finals and I barely got any sleep!" He whines, before sighing. "I'm passing the phone to someone who has been passed around like this phone." 

 A choked gasp pried itself away from your throat as soon as he hands you the phone with a grin. "Well I'm passing the phone to someone who accused me for taking their red lacey thong but it turns out we own the same product." 

 "Wow, you're bold, I like you." Melone chuckles, before taking the phone. "I'm passing the phone to someone who was hungover during finals and managed to pass." 

 "Pretty impressive if I do say so myself." Sorbet smirks at his achievement, proudly reaching for the phone. "I'm passing this phone to someone who faked smoking at a party to impress a girl." 

 "Well I don't smoke! I don't like how it tastes!" Pesci insists. "I'm passing the phone to someone who got out of the house with his shirt inside out and backwards and didn't realise it until he was going home." 

 "I'm passing this phone to someone who cried when I pranked him with a fake electric razor." Melone smirks as he passes the phone to Illuso. 

 "I'm passing the phone to someone who's first instinct to nonchalantly say 'Nice' before going back to his business after receiving a nude pic from his then girlfriend." Ilusso gives the phone to Ghiaccio.

 "I'm passing the phone to someone who doesn't pick their hair clumps in the bathroom after taking a bath, clogging the shower drain." 

 "Well, I'm passing the phone to someone who screamed at the professor after he said Venice." 

 "I'M PASSING THE PHONE WHO THINKS IT'S OKAY TO SAY VENICE INSTEAD OF VENEZIA!" 

If it weren't for Illuso's quick response, the phone would've crashed against the wall and permanently putting it into a broken state. "Heh, okay then. I'm passing the phone to someone who has been with my man Gelato through thick and thin." 

 Sorbet gulps, his heart hammering in his chest as he reaches for the phone. His hand that has been hidden in his pocket since the very start of the game finally came out, with a small, black velvet box. Gelato glances at his longtime boyfriend, confused for a moment until the blond saw the little box resting within Sorbet's grasp. In shock, the blond's hands shot up to cover his lips and nose, his onyx gaze watering. Everyone in the room has their thoughts race rapidly with incoherent thoughts. 

 "I'm passing the phone to whom I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, because without him I feel so empty and alone." Sorbet hands the phone to his longtime boyfriend, before taking a knee and opening the box. "Will you marry me?" 

 It would be a miracle Gelato would come to thank later as he didn't know he would still be able to respond despite being so deep in cloud nine. The entirety of the squad stood behind Sorbet at the edge of their seats, watching their carefully crafted plan unfold before them. 

 "Oh, yes. YES!" With the key word uttered, the once tensed room burst into excitement, jumping and screaming whilst the couple slipped on each others engagement rings before engulfing each other into a passionate embrace.

 "WHOOO YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING 'BOUT!" Formaggio cheers amidst the screams of excitement. 

 "Oh you guys, c'mere!" Sorbet caught you and Risotto's necks, before pulled in for a hug. Soon the others joined in for a group hug, almost squeezing the couple in the middle but it was all so worth it.

[floreleine]

I would love to hear more about the ScarletMay part of the story where Madeleine jumps between Florence and Scarlet! Doesn't have to be a full story, i know you're not doing longfics at the moment, but maybe just a few headcanons?

Ohh, I thought about doing the same thing and just writing down some backstory ideas as headcanons, but - once I started writing, this just happened! So, thanks very much for the prompt, anon, thx to you this turned into an entire Thing xD I'll probably post at least two more Floreleine and ScarletMay parts, possibly a Killercule epilogue, we'll see!

Prequel Fic Part 1

Part two starts exactly where part 1 left off, just with a POV change from Madeleine to Anna May!

1k, G, no warnings

"Scarlet?" Anna May asks in shock when she sees the woman in the library foyer.

She had heard loud voices and expected needing to break up a skirmish or help Madeleine and Florence shoot some people - and indeed, Madeleine has a gun aimed at the visitor, but instead of some rogue robber, this woman is no-one Anna May would ever want to kill.

Not even after she left her for a man who didn't even let her be together with Anna May at the same time, after she had already said that she wouldn't mind sharing.

And look where that had gotten her. All alone back in the library, probably having been left by the guy who hadn't wanted to share her...

As Anna May steps into the room and slowly walks up to the others, waving for Madeleine to put her weapon down (she does lower it, but not by much), Anna May is half of a mind to tell Scarlet 'I told you so'. But she looks like enough of a mess, and - bloody hell, she's carrying an infant in her arms.

"Anna," Scarlet says weakly when Anna May is standing next to Madeleine at the side of the desk. "I - sorry -" she sways the child in her arms a little when it starts to cry again. "I'm sorry for just showing up, but I've nowhere else to go - I'm not asking for you to take me back! I'd never expect, after what I've done..."

Next to her, Anna May rather feels than sees Florence and Madeleine share a look at that new bit of information. Anna May had never told them about Scarlet, at least not in so many words - they had noticed that she had been seeing someone, but only when the relationship had already been breaking apart again, and Anna May had called it 'nothing but a fling gone wrong', saying that this was only renewed proof that she wasn't a person made for the dating world, no matter that Florence and Madeleine had made it work, ruining her 'cant date in our line of work' excuse.

"But - can you let me stay? Just for a while, just until I've found my footing again - until I'm sure they aren't also after me and Samantha..."

Anna May freezes. She had expected that Scarlet's relationship had just turned sour, but -

"He's dead? The guy you've been seeing?"

Scarlet shivers a little. "Yes. Killed."

Anna May doesn't know whether to feel sorry for her or to be frustrated in the knowledge that if he'd still be alive, Scarlet would have probably never come to see her again, would have stayed together with her happy little family. She doesn't know what to say.

"This is Samamtha, then?" Madeleine asks in her stead, finally putting her gun back into its holster and stepping forward to get a look at the baby. "Oh, she's cute! It's been a while since I've been around any children, but aren't they usually... wrinklier when they're this little? This one looks like a fully formed human!"

"...that's only when they've just been born," Scarlet explains. "Samantha's over three months old."

Anna May can't even stop herself from doing the mental math, her mind too systematic, too used to analysing everything around her.

Four months - nine months over a year total -

"You were already..."

Scarlet winces, clearly following Anna May's train of thought. "Yes... You knew I was seeing him, it was supposed to just be casual sex... But Samantha happened, and... I wanted her to know her father. And he -"

Anna May is a little frightened when she sees tears in Scarlet's eyes. But right, her boyfriend - husband? - the father of her child has just died.

"he was a good man," Scarlet sniffs. "I really do love him. I would have stayed with the both of you if I had been able to, but he wasn't someone used to sharing, and - and with Samantha - that just made my decision for me, I'm so sorry -"

"No," Anna May interrupts her, surprised about herself, surprised how much she means her next words. "That actually makes it better. To know why you... Fuck. And yes, sure you can stay."

"You will have to get used to cursing less, if you are going to be around a child a lot now," Madeleine says, staring at said baby like it is a particularly interesting, rare and precious artefact. For her, who always liked children and never had the chance to be around them much, it probably is just that. At least they won't have to worry about looking for another babysitter...

Anna May flinches a little when she notices how far she has been planning ahead. Scarlet might not even stay that long - just to get her affairs in order - and would she even want her to stay?

Snap.

All three of them flinch a little, but it is just Florence who is closing the latches and locks on the library doors. "Figured if she's staying, we'll take today off to get her settled."

Madeleine nods and smiles brightly first at Florence, then at Scarlet and the baby.

Scarlet gives Florence an awkward half-smile as well before turning back to look at Anna May, waiting for her decision.

"Yes, sure," Anna May says, having to force herself to meet her eyes. "Like I said. You can stay."

~

Scarlet's answering smile is so soft, Anna May instantly knows that now that she has her back in her life, there is no way she will want her to leave again.

Part 3

Still taking prompts!

Might not be so quick in answering all of them anymore now as I've got other things going on as well, but I'd still enjoy you guys giving me some inspo!

Also lmk if anyone wants to be tagged when this updates! I won't tag my entire usual GM taglist for each little ficlet, espesh not follow up parts, so you'd have to let me know individually

[izlaria]

Someone you like (part 1)

This work is inspired by the animatic called Someone you like by honestlyprettychill. I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to do all of the povs showcased in the video, but I just really loved the idea that Lance would eventually come to like Pidge, a romance born from  years of friendship. Friends to lovers is my jam.

I’m posting this on tumblr in case I never finish it, because I just wanted to share what I’ve written so far. I might upload the whole thing to AO3 later.

I made some changes to the video’s initial idea, because I wanted to follow canon ages and I didn’t want a 14-year-old to fall for a 12-year-old. At that time, it’s a pretty big difference in development. So I wanted to establish the basis for Lance to eventually romanticize their first encounter, despite not having been attracted to young Katie.

Spanish to English translations at the end.

14 years old

The truth was that Lance went to Space Camp because Veronica could be a little pest. She knew their parents wouldn’t let her go alone and so had enticed her younger brother with the promise of travel and foreign girls and no parental supervision.

Veronica had obviously left out the fact that they were essentially going to school on steroids for a month, smack in the middle of their summer break. Cool as Miami might seem, Lance wasn’t exactly excited for all the extra work the camp would entail.

“No es un acampamiento,” his sister repeated for what felt like the thousandth time. He wasn’t listening anymore. “Tú sabes que el campo de explotación espacial no está muy desenvuelto en Cuba. Si realmente quieres trabajar con eso, entonces simplemente cállate y no insultes a nadie.”

“¿Cuando he insultado a alguien?” he shot back, defensive. Veronica didn’t dignify that with an answer.

As much as Lance might like to think himself very smooth, there were still times when he stumbled over his words, especially in English. More than once he’d meant to pay someone a compliment and had accidentally started an argument of some kind.

Veronica looked impatiently at her watch. “Mira, tengo una reunión con mi orientador. Y tú tienes por lo menos dos artículos para leer para las clases de mañana, ¿por qué no vas a la biblioteca para trabajar un poco? Prometo comprarte una hamburguesa después.”

Lance pouted at her, arms crossed over his chest. “Me debes más que una hamburguesa y lo sabes, Ronie.”

His sister snickered, but it was as much of an acknowledgement as he was going to get. Veronica pressed a quick kiss to his hair, already turning to go into the main building.

“¡Gracias, hermanito! ¡No te arrepentirás!”

In all honesty, Lance wasn’t as irritated as he made Veronica believe. He knew that a summer program in Miami was a really good opportunity, especially if he wanted to get into the Garrison in the following years. It was just difficult.

He was diligent and studious, but not as naturally gifted as some of the other kids. Besides, he hadn’t been to the US in a couple years, since his parents had mostly settled down in the family farm, which meant he still had to fall back into his English, a task made even more frustrating by the xenophobic comments from one of the boys in his AP geometry class.

The teacher had put an end to it right away, but the words stuck with Lance, for some reason.

With how much humanity had progressed in terms of technology, one would think they would be able to get past petty rivalry between nationalities and usually that was true, but the influx of foreigners following the establishment of the Galaxy Garrison in the US desert still annoyed some people, despite its existence as a multinational center for space exploration. It irritated Lance to no end, especially when so many of these scientific advances came from international collaboration.

If only he could shrug off the inadequacy that now grew in his chest.

Straight ahead, there was a path that led to a green area in the middle of the campus. The other students had taken to calling it the Woods, though it was more of a middle-sized park, with benches and picnic tables where anyone from the Institute could go to relax. That’s where Lance went, mind too full to really focus on homework.

He wondered if people would react that same way if he ever made it into the Garrison. He didn’t know how Veronica dealt with it all, especially when she was alone in Arizona most of the time. Barely a week had passed and Lance already missed his parents, the tenderness of home-cooked food and well-intended lectures.

No, he had to believe that Billy Underwood was an exception. The other kids hadn’t joined in on his taunts, even if no one had moved to defend Lance. It was still too early to make conclusions on his colleagues, especially when everyone had seemed so charmed by him before then.

Lance was so lost in thought that he didn’t realize he had been standing in front of one of the benches until a new voice broke through the peace of the park.

“Are you just gonna stand there?”

The words were somewhat harsh, but when Lance lowered his eyes to their source the girl winced, grimacing. She seemed to have spoken impulsively.

“Hmm, yeah.” Lance blinked at her for a moment, before finally sitting down on the bench. He made sure to leave space between him and the girl, not wanting to make the situation even more awkward.

“I didn’t mean to snap at you,” the girl said after a moment of silence. She looked at him sideways and her brown eyes seemed almost golden in the sunlight. There were freckles spread across the bridge of her nose and across her cheeks, and the green ribbon in her hair swayed in the wind. It was a soft sight, a contrast to the steeliness of her posture and gaze.

“It’s fine,” Lance hurried to assure her. She looked young, but so did he, and talking to complete strangers never failed to make him nervous. “Nothing like a little girl yelling at me to bring me back to earth.”

He gave her his best grin, the one reserved for first impressions and fancy parties. It was supposed to project confidence and kindness, even though Luis said he ended up looking a bit smug.

“I didn’t yell,” the girl pointed out with a light frown. Then her eyes shifted into a more calculating look. “You’re a bit of a goofball, aren’t you?”

“I prefer the term good-humored,” he replied jokingly.

She continued to stare. Lance got the feeling that the girl did this a lot. She had an untamed intelligence to her that Lance couldn’t completely understand. It was the sort of air that teachers sometimes carried, as if they could see something deeper in you if they looked long enough.

“It didn’t seem like you were feeling all that good-humored just now.” She tilted her head to the side, letting the words hang between them.

“Yeah, I suppose that’s true,” Lance found himself saying.

“Do you… want to talk about it?” She looked so doubtful that it almost made Lance laugh. The feeling, however, was overcome by the relief of finally having someone who would listen.

He had spent the week trying and failing to explain to Veronica what was truly making him feel down. She was too busy or too happy for Lance to tell her the truth, especially when it left him so vulnerable. After all, Veronica had taken to her work on the Institute like a fish to water. Lance was supposed to be more adaptable than this.

With the rest of his family away in Cuba, he felt unbearably lonely.

“Yes! Thank you!” Lance shifted in the bench to face the girl. She was taken aback by his enthusiasm, but didn’t move away. “There’s this cabrón in my class, who thought it was a good idea to mess with me, just ‘cause I said fábrica instead of factory in our first day here. He hasn’t really left me alone since…” he whined. “I speak two languages but somehow I’m the uneducated ass here!”

The girl nodded, eyes downcast. “I know what you mean.”

“You do?” He eyed the fairness of her skin and the almost ginger of her hair. “Sorry, but you look white.”

Lance’s comment must have taken her by surprise, because she actually laughed.

“I am white. I’m also Italian.” She rolled her eyes, but there was amusement in the tug of her lips. “I can be both.”

“That’s true.” Lance grinned sheepishly. It was good that she wasn’t offended by his lack of filter. “You don’t have much of an accent, though.”

“Neither do you,” the girl bit back, no real animosity in her tone.

He shrugged. “My family spent a lot of time in the US when I was younger. It used to be second nature to me. Now, I keep feeling like I have to hold back the instinct to roll my R’s.”

“I get that. My parents moved here right after I was born, but we used to speak Italian in the house.” There was a pause here, something that she couldn’t bring herself to say. “I think it’s cool that you can speak Spanish. It’s useful.”

“Yeah?” Lance sat up straight, feeling suddenly boastful.

“Sure!” she continued, encouraged by his interest. “The Bouman Aeronautics Research Institute really values multiculturalism! It is a hob of different nationalities and perspectives, created to foster new minds from around the world! Or that’s what my brother says, at least, and he is rarely wrong.” She gave him a smirk that quickly shifted into a grimace. “Don’t tell him I said that or he will never let me forget it.”

“Older brother?” At her nod, Lance smiled. “I got older siblings too. Sort of the reason I’m here in the first place, actually. One of them was accepted as a researcher and she tricked me into applying too.”

“Same, actually.” She seemed startled for a moment, pulling out her cellphone. “Freak, I have to go! I completely lost track of time while reading.” She got up to go, collecting the book she’d apparently put down to talk to him. It was a thick volume with numbers on the cover, but it didn’t look like math.

Another green ribbon fluttered to the ground, having escaped the pages of the book. Lance bent down to pick it up.

“Here.” He stretched it out to the girl. “Wouldn’t want to lose its pair,” he said with a wink.

“Thanks for reminding me!” She grabbed the ribbon hurriedly, then paused, turning back to Lance. “And for the conversation, I guess.”

Lance grinned at her. She was a little awkward but in an endearing way, like she wasn’t used to having the attention of others on her. Given she empathized with his circumstances in the Institute, it wasn’t that big of a leap to assume that she had trouble making friends.

“Bye bye, Italian girl.” He waved, glad that he could spend these few minutes with her.

“Farewell, Spanish boy.”

Lance meant to correct her about his nationality, but she took out running, clearly late for something. He laughed at the way she stumbled across the uneven ground, careless like a little kid. It was a strange juxtaposition: the thoughtfulness of her earlier words and the childishness of her smile now.

He settled back into the bench, feeling much more content than he’d been earlier. It was nice to talk to people outside of class, for a change.

And, well, Italian girl was pretty. A bit young-looking for him, but he thought guys her age should be tripping over their feet for a chance to talk to her.

“Hey, you’re Lance, right?” A boy had approached while Lance observed the girl disappear from sight. He was tall and robust, with shortly cropped hair, but his expression was friendly. “You’re in my Analytics class.”

It took Lance a second to place him. Analytics was one of the classes Lance struggled with the most, so he hadn’t had as much opportunity to joke around there.

“And you’re Hunk!” Lance snapped his fingers, smiling. “Sit down, man! What can I do for ya?”

Translations:

“No es un acampamiento.Tú sabes que el campo de explotación espacial no está muy desenvuelto en Cuba. Si realmente quieres trabajar con eso, entonces simplemente cállate y no insultes a nadie.” - “It’s not a camp. You know that the field of space exploration is not very well developped in Cuba. If you really do want to work in this area, then simply shut up and don’t insult anyone.”

“¿Cuando he insultado a alguien?” - “When have I insulted anyone?”

“Mira, tengo una reunión con mi orientador. Y tú tienes por lo menos dos artículos para leer para las clases de mañana, ¿por qué no vas a la biblioteca para trabajar un poco? Prometo comprarte una hamburguesa después.” - “Look, I have a meeting with my coordinator. And you have at least two articles to read for tomorrow’s classes. Why don’t you go work for a bit in the library? I promise to buy you a burger later.”

“Me debes más que una hamburguesa y lo sabes, Ronie.” - “You owe me more than a burger and you know it, Ronie.”

“¡Gracias, hermanito! ¡No te arrepentirás!” - “Thank you, little brother! You won’t regret it!”

Cabrón - Bastard

[happyandticklish]

Smile, Parrish

Notes: Based off the anon suggestion for Noah & Adam tickles, because the prompt was too cute not to write. 

Summary: Adam is working himself too hard yet again, and Noah decides to give him something else to focus on. 

“What are you doing?”

Noah’s voice, spoken softly and suddenly over his shoulder, startled Adam out of his earlier intense concentration. Having been dead for several years now, the former had the eerie quality of near silent footsteps that made it too easy to sneak up on others. Adam glanced down at the mess of papers in front of him, math homework he had been putting off for a while now, what with the sudden increase in Gansey’s quest for Glendower. Now though he only had tonight to finish it and he had been staring at the same problem for almost an hour by that point. Adam sighed, running a hand through his hair and tugging at it a bit too harshly, frustration catching up with him.

“Nothing. Homework.”

“Homework?” Noah repeated, peering over his shoulder. With his face so close, Adam could feel his breath on the back of his neck and he instinctively drew his shoulders up. “Maybe I could help?”

“No,” Adam said too hastily, then repeated in a calmer tone, “I mean, no, no thank you. I got it. I just need to finish this last problem and then I’ll be done.”

Noah wrinkled his brow. “It looks like you’ve only done one problem, thus far.”

Adam glared down at the worksheet, hating the truth of that statement. It was late and his brain wasn’t working. He was supposed to be staying the night with Ronan but instead he was sitting here doing homework while the other lay passed out on the couch, after falling asleep waiting for him. Gansey, the other resident of Monmouth Manufacturing, was experiencing one of those rare nights where the insomnia waned and allowed him to finally get some rest; Adam had considered waking him up earlier, as Gansey was much better at the subject than him, but the other needed sleep and Adam could get by without him, if needed.

Noah didn’t sleep, and thus was the only one awake to witness Adam’s outburst of exhausted annoyance. Noah took in the look on Adam’s face, the dark circles under his eyes, the sweat sprouting on his forehead from concentrating too hard, the clench of his fingers around his pencil. “You seem exhausted.”

“I’m not,” Adam snapped, trying to ignore how every time Noah spoke that close to his neck it sent goosebumps prickling across his skin. “I’ll be fine, Noah. Just go to bed, or go do… I don’t know, whatever the fuck you do at night.”

Noah frowned. “You don’t have to be rude about it.”

“Look, I’m sorry okay, I wasn’t trying to—can you stop breathing on my neck, please?” he huffed at last, his shoulders nearly parallel to his chin by now. “It tickles.”

Noah’s eyes widened as though he had been unaware of his actions, and he stepped back a bit. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to.” As he watched Adam lower his shoulders, rubbing the back of his neck, an idea occurred to him. Possibly, this could go very wrong. Possibly it would be just the thing Adam needed. Noah was willing to risk it regardless.

Adam had returned to his work by now, either assuming that Noah had left already or would soon leave. With that creeping silence that made others around him nervous, Noah managed to move behind Adam. He reached out hesitantly with one hand and wiggled gentle fingers against the back of the other’s neck.

The reaction was instantaneous. A yelp, followed by Adam’s head slamming backwards in an attempt to trap Noah’s hand. “Shit! Ah, Noah, that tihickles!”

“I know,” Noah agreed simply, moving closer and using his other hand to torment the sides of his neck, so that no matter which way Adam twisted he couldn’t escape him. “It was supposed to.”

“W-Well stop thehehen!” Unwilling giggles were pulled from Adam with each twitch and scrape of those nails against his skin. His neck had always been abnormally ticklish, and when combined with Noah’s eternally cold ghost fingers, he found himself quickly forgetting all methods of defense. He chose instead to simply squirm and cover his mouth with his hands, trying to prevent the involuntary noises.

“This is for your own good,” Noah informed him, smiling a bit at the sight. “I read an article somewhere that said tickling was good for mental health. If I tickle you, maybe you can finally relax and stop stressing out so much.”

“Thahahat’s s-soho stuhuhupid!” Adam spluttered, reaching a hand back finally and attempting to slap him away. Noah merely danced his fingers out of the way, easily avoiding his grasp. “Ihihi cahahan’t rehehelax ihihif yohohou’re tihihickling mehehehe!”

“Is that not relaxing you?” Noah inquired innocently, fluttering his fingers over his ears and prompting a shriek from the other.

“Nohohohoho!”

“Hmm…” Noah mused, eyeing his ribs which were exposed on either side of the chair. “Maybe I’m doing it wrong then. I’ll try somewhere else.”

“What do you mean—ahaha, shihihit!” Adam’s confused reply was cut off as hands dug suddenly and vigorously into his sides, vibrating into his lower ribs. “Nohohohoah!”

“What?”

“Thahahat reheheheally tihihihickles!”

“Does it?” Noah replied brightly, happy at his accomplishment. “Good.”

“Nohoho!” Adam denied, giggling ecstatically in a way Noah had never seen him laugh before. “Ihihihit’s nohohot gohohood!”

The strangest thing about being dead that Noah had found, aside from the fact itself, was how his emotions were often muted. He could feel the vague stirrings of happiness or anger, and the pull of grief, but it was almost like an echo of reality as opposed to the true feeling. There were moments, however, moments when significance made the echo more solid, anchoring the feeling to him. As he watched strange, annoyed, bookish Adam laugh like this, more a boy now than he had ever been allowed to in his childhood, he felt the gentle glow of happiness settle in his chest.

“You should smile like this more,” Noah said in his abrupt, honest way. “I know the others think so, too. It makes you seem less scrunchy, more—open. I like open Adam.”

Adam flushed, the compliments only working to fluster him more. “W-Wehehell, ohohopen Ahahadam cahahan’t tahahake muhuhuch mohore ohohof thihis!”

“Bullshit.”

Hands grabbed his wrists suddenly, pulling them far above his head and thus taking away what little defenses he had. A quick glance upwards told him the hands belonged to Ronan. Evidently he had been woken up by Adam’s laughter, which, to be fair, was entirely not his fault. His gaze was met by a taunting grin that had Adam’s heart stuttering in his chest. It was truly unfair how with a simple glance Ronan could unravel Adam completely.

“I happen to know,” Ronan said, enclosing his wrist in one arm so that his other hand was free to poke and scratch at the upper part of his armpit that always had Adam shrieking. “That you can handle much more than this.”

“Trahahahaitor!”

“I also happen to know that you don’t hate it as much as you claim.”

“Really?” Noah asked curiously, peering down at Adam. “Do you like being tickled?”

“Yohohou guhuys ahare sohoho mehehean!” Adam protested, arching back as Noah’s fingers closed around the sharp bones of his hips.

“Don’t listen to him, Noah,” Ronan said. “He just needs a bit more provocation to admit it. What do you think?” The question was directed at Adam. “Do you want me to show him what it takes to make you admit it?”

“No, no, Rohohonan, noho!” Adam protested, his giggles becoming nervous and anticipatory. “I k-knohow whahahat yohohou’re gohonna dohoho, ahahand ihihit’s nohot fahahair!”

“Don’t be a child, Parrish.” Ronan handed over his arms to Noah, who accepted them cautiously but firmly after a glance from the former. Ronan leaned down, resting his hands calmly on each of Adam’s knees. Every once in a while he would twitch or curl his fingers lightly, causing Adam to jerk away from him with a strangled yelp.

“Don’t,” Adam warned him, trying to make his voice serious despite his growing smile. “C’mon, seriously, I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” Ronan asked innocently, turning his hands so that his thumb just brushed against the place on the inside of his knee, his fingers curled against the bone on the other side. Adam tensed, sucking in a sharp inhale of breath. “Can’t handle it?”

Adam waited in heart-stopping anticipation, his smile a flushed grin now. “Yes.”

“Good.”

Adam shrieked as both his thumb and fingers dug in suddenly sending shocks of feeling scurrying up his legs. He twisted in his chair and tugged hard at Noah’s grasp but was unable to free himself. He kicked his legs out wildly, but no matter which direction he pulled Ronan’s hand followed him, insistent and oh-so-devastatingly ticklish.

“RoHOHOHohonan!” Adam squeaked, head thrown back in wild and uncontrolled mirth. “Plehehehease! Dohohohon’t!”

“Don’t what?”

“Tihihihickle mehehehe!”

“If you insist.”

“WahAHAHAhait nohoho!”

As Adam fell into another round of helpless laughter, Ronan shook his head incredulously. “I still don’t know how you fall for that every time.”

“He’s quite beautiful like this,” Noah said, tilting his head to one side. Ronan threw him a quick glance, eyebrows drawn down in careful discernment, but after realizing the comment was meant in simple honesty he allowed himself to agree. “How come I never realized he was ticklish?”

“Foolish Noah,” Ronan said, pinching his way up and down his knees and delighting in Adam’s hiccupy squeaks. “Parrish is far too prideful to admit to something as human as being ticklish. It’s why you have to force it out of him. It’s the only way you can help him be true to himself.”

“Nahahat hehehelping!” Adam screeched, managing to clip Ronan on the shoulder with one foot. Ronan winced, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Shouldn’t have done that.”

He grabbed Adam’s leg suddenly, pulling it out taut and revealing the sensitive underside of his knee. Adam’s eyes widened and before he could protest nails were scratching over the spot, leaving him in a fit of giggly hysterics. “Stahahahahap!”

“Will you admit that you love it?”

“Ihihihi—” Before Adam could answer in another denial, he felt the soft fluttering of fingers against his neck again, Noah evidently feeling left out of the fun, and he scrunched his shoulders up desperately. “Ohohokay fihihihine! Ihihihi lohohohove ihihihit!”

“What do you love?” Ronan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Beheheheing tihihickled! Ihihi l-lohohove beheheing tihihickled!”

“And will you take a break?” Noah added, scratching behind his ears and pulling a frantic squeak from the other.

“Whahahat? Thahahat wahahahasn’t pahahart ohohof thehehe deheheal!”

“It is now,” Noah said happily, though he did admit he would be a bit disappointed to stop. It was nice seeing Adam like this—carefree for once in his life. “So?”

“Fihihine! I-I’ll tahahake ahaha breheheak!”

“That’s all you had to say.”

Ronan and Noah both released him and Adam slumped back in the chair, breathing heavily. “You guys suck.”

“You love it,” Ronan teased.

“What’s going on out here?”

They all whirled around to see Gansey, illuminated by poor lighting in the doorway, rubbing tired eyes. He blinked at the scene in front of him, Adam’s flushed, giggly countenance and Ronan and Noah’s triumphant one. Noah had froze at the sight of him, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Ronan merely sat back on one hand, a confident, lazy grin stretching across his face.

“Hey Dick,” he said, emphasizing the word in a way that implied a capital. Gansey frowned, as he had expressed many times in a variety of expressive words his distaste for the name. “We were just getting Adam here to smile. He needs to relax more.”

“Oh,” Gansey said, before pausing as confusion set in. “Wait what? Smile? How?”

Ronan’s grin inched wider into something dangerous and he stood up, sauntering over to the other. “I’m glad you asked, oh Gansey, my king. Why not let me show you?”

The room was soon filled with the sounds of laughter once more and in the chaos of it all Adam managed to gather his books and sneak off to Ronan’s room. His plan had been to study in secret in the sudden distraction of Gansey’s presence. As he sat down on Ronan’s bed, however, he found his head hitting the pillow before he could stop it, and sleep like an unwanted stranger whisking him away.

Maybe he had needed that break after all...

[cinaja]

Before the Wall part 52

A/N: Wow, this chapter took far longer than I had planned. I'm sorry for the delay. But on a positive note, I think it's about 14k words long, so I guess that's about the length of two normal chapters.

Tw: wanting-to-die (I still don't know if that's a trigger) in the 5th scene.

----

The days after Jurian’s death pass dizzyingly quickly and excruciatingly slowly all at once. Everything feels wrong. It’s like the world got knocked out of its usual course and is now spinning around aimlessly. Nothing goes wrong, exactly, but things certainly don’t go right either, and throughout it all, Drakon feels like he never quite manages to catch his footing.

It seems that there are a million of things to be done. Nephelle and the other cartographers spend the first day after the battle mapping the mountain range, returning with the result that the Callian Pass as such no longer exist. There might be a new pass through the mountains somewhere, but the old one is at least currently not usable for an army, largely because several mountains fell into it. This information gets Drakon a dressing-down by the council for destroying the important strategic location he had been ordered to hold. (“Maybe if you cared so much about that pass, you should have gotten the reinforcements you promised there in time,” Sinna, who accompanied him to the meeting, snaps at that and Drakon’s mind drifts to Helion’s warning.)

They burn their dead – mercifully few, largely thanks to Miryam – on the first day after the battle. Unfortunately, they can’t extend the same decency to the fallen enemy soldiers, since most of them are buried under tons of stone. Drakon feels terrible about it, but there’s little to be done. So instead of worrying about the dead enemies, he talks to his soldiers, tries to reassure them. He meets with his ruling council. He sits in meeting after meeting with his military leaders.

Throughout it all, he can’t stop thinking about Jurian. He still can’t quite believe that he is actually dead, keeps thinking that he’ll only have to winnow over to his camp and be able to talk to him. From when his family died, he knows that it will likely take a while for the truth to fully settle in. After that, it will still suck, but differently. At least that terrible rift between knowing Jurian is dead and not being able to believe it will vanish, and maybe eventually, the pain will become bearable. At least that’s what he’s been told.

Sinna offers that they can talk should he want to, but he doesn’t take her up on the offer. Not because he thinks she would be harsh about it – generally, Sinna makes exceptions in her usual bluntness for things that truly make him upset. No, the problem is that he knows that Sinna isn’t mourning Jurian’s death. She didn’t even like him, at least since him and Jurian had their falling-out. Even though she would try to be sympathetic, it wouldn’t exactly be genuine, and they certainly couldn’t talk about what went down during their last conversation. About the lie he told, and how Jurian died still believing it. Hating him for it. If he’s being honest, the only person he really wants to talk to about that is Miryam.

But unfortunately, Miryam isn’t talking. She does speak – asks after the army, how the clean-up is going – but she refuses to answer any personal questions. Not a word about Jurian or Artax, or the mountain range she blew up. The healers assure him that physically, she will be fine. The injuries were serious but not life-threatening. The only comment Miryam offers is that yes, she is in pain, but it’s nothing she can’t handle.

Drakon does his best to help her, but he’s quickly running out of ideas. Miryam tells him she doesn’t want to be touched, but she doesn’t want him to leave either, so Drakon spends as much time as work will allow just sitting in a chair next to her bed, a safe distance away.

He manages to get his proposal to the council finished in the time, but it is apparently bad enough that Zeku simply hands it back to him upon reading and asks if he maybe wants to rework that a bit before submitting it to the council.

On the way back from Telique, Drakon steps by to visit Andromache. She tells him a bit about the funeral preparations for the evening. Apparently, it is going to be a grand ceremony, over a thousand attendants. All Drakon can think about is that Jurian would have preferred something a little less formal.

“Will Miryam come?” Andromache asks, and Drakon nods.

“Sure,” Drakon says.

She didn’t show much of a reaction when she told him about the funeral, but if Drakon knows one thing for sure, it’s that Miryam wouldn’t miss Jurian’s funeral. Still, he should probably talk to her in advance. Actually talk, that is.

But for the first time in the last two and a half days, Miryam isn’t in her room when he goes looking for her. Fortunately, it turns out that mating bonds are extraordinarily useful for finding people. All Drakon needs to do is to focus on Miryam and then follow his gut feeling. He runs into a dead end once because the mating bond unfortunately doesn’t come with a map of the castle, but on the second try, he finds Miryam. She sitting alone up on the battlements, letting her feet dangle over the plunge below.

“Hey,” Drakon says lightly and sits down next to her.

Miryam just keeps staring down at the pass. Her eyes are completely empty.

Now, Drakon just needs to come up with something to say.

“How are you feeling?” Drakon asks. It is a rather inadequate thing to say, but several days in, he has run out of smart ideas for how to get Miryam to talk.

Miryam shrugs. “I blew up a mountain range,” she says flatly, which is a slight exaggeration and definitely not an answer to his question.

Desperately, Drakon tries to come up with a proper reply. He has no idea what he’s supposed to say to that non-answer, but can’t just not react. Not when Miryam is finally talking. Besides, for all he knows, Miryam might actually be upset about the mountain range. It’s unlikely, considering everything else, but not impossible.

Cauldron damn him, he is bad at this.

“I never liked that mountain range anyways,” he says, if only to get that empty look to vanish from her eyes. He gestures vaguely at the partially-crumbled mountains surrounding them. “It’s much prettier this way.”

For a moment, he thinks Miryam won’t react. But then, she slowly turns around to him. There’s the barest hint of a smile on her face. “What about the mountain goats, though?” She asks.

“Oh.” Drakon buries his face in his hands, although he is far too relieved to actually be embarrassed. “I didn’t think you’d remember that. In my defence, I was panicking.”

“I suppose I gave you good reason for that,” Miryam says, glancing over at a mountain that is now missing its entire top half.

They sit together in silence for a while after that, both staring at the mountains. The silence is heavy, but more bearable than it was before.

“I’m sorry,” Miryam finally says, breaking the silence. “I know the way I’m behaving is…” She shrugs. “Shit.”

“It’s really not,” Drakon says. “You don’t need to always act perfectly. Sometimes, it’s okay to simply be in pain.”

Miryam seems to contemplate that for a bit. For a moment, Drakon worries that he said the wrong thing and he will shut down again, but then, she shrugs. “I just…” She winces slightly. “I don’t want you to think… When I don’t want to talk, or don’t want to be touched, it’s not because I don’t trust you, or because there’s something wrong in our relationship.”

“I thought so,” Drakon says. At least he hoped so. “Still, thank you for telling me.”

“One day, I’ll be able to explain,” Miryam says softly. “But not now.”

Drakon nods. At least when it comes to Artax, he already has a general idea of what it might be. With Artax’s reputation and Miryam’s reactions to him, it isn’t hard to do the math. Either way, he is rather glad Miryam erased the bastard from the universe.

He isn’t going to ask further. Even though he hasn’t gotten Miryam to talk, even though he knows he probably should, he simply can’t push her. But it turns out that isn’t necessary at all. Now that she started, Miryam seems to be adamant in her decision to talk, even if she doesn’t want to.

“I don’t know how I’m feeling,” she says. “It’s just… It’s too much. I’m furious and sad and in pain, and there’s just so much that I don’t even know what to feel first. And I can’t…” She shakes her head.

Drakon would much like to hug her, or at least reach for her hand, but Miryam hasn’t given any hint at wanting to be touched, so he remains sitting where he is, a safe distance away, waiting for her to continue.

“I miss Jurian,” Miryam mutters.

“I still can’t believe he’s dead,” Drakon says. “I always thought that if anyone made it, it would be him.” Well, him and Miryam both, but saying that seems like bad luck.

“Me too,” Miryam says. “The last time we met, we said we still wanted to talk. I keep thinking about that.” She turns to Drakon. “Did he ever find out? About us, I mean.”

“No,” Drakon says. “I never told him. And he never knew that Amarantha captured you because of him, either.”

“Good,” Miryam says. “Then at least he didn’t… At least he…”

She doesn’t finish the sentence, but Drakon still understands. At least Jurian didn’t die feeling guilty over getting Miryam captured, or betrayed because of the marriage. At least from his point of view, things between them were mostly fine. Drakon tries to comfort himself with that knowledge. That while Jurian might have hated him, at least he must have been relatively content with his relationship with Miryam when he died.

“But how did you keep him from finding out about Amarantha?” Miryam asks. “Didn’t you tell him that I’d been captured at all?”

“I told him it was because of me,” Drakon says. He tries and fails to sound nonchalant. “I thought it might be better if he hated me than…” This time, it is Drakon who doesn’t manage to finish the sentence.

There are tears burning in his eyes and he quickly wipes them away. He came here to comfort Miryam, not be comforted by her, damnit.

“I’m sorry,” Miryam says softly. “And I know that probably changes little, but I think that this was a very kind thing to do.”

They fall silent again, then. But after a few moments, Miryam slowly reaches out and takes his hand. Squeezes it.

“Thank you,” she says. “For being there. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Likewise,” Drakon replies.

They remain sitting on the battlements for another few minutes before Drakon remembers that they’ll still need time to get ready for the funeral. Still holding each other by the hands, they walk together through the castle. They only part ways in front of their respective rooms, although Drakon can feel that Miryam is as reluctant to let go of him as he is. It’s like they are both scared that once they leave each other’s sight, one of them will vanish. But neither of them voices that fear or asks the other if they might change together, so in the end, they each vanish into their own rooms.

There is a colour code for funerals. Black is the most common colour, standing for mourning – for anyone thinking to send a message, it is certainly the safest option. Most people use it for the cloth, and so did Drakon. He chose silver embroidery to go with it, the colour traditionally representing respect and admiration for the deceased. It’s a colour only used on rare occasions, but for this, it certainly fitting.

He took a while getting dressed, and when he finally steps out of his room, Miryam is already ready. Once again, she somehow managed to somehow shove down her emotions far enough to appear entirely composed. But her show of self-control isn’t what makes Drakon stop dead in the doorway.

Miryam, it seems, went for a different colour theme than him. The silk of the long dress she is wearing are also black. The embroidery running all over it, though, is red as freshly shed blood. The colour of anger – and vengeance. Declaring to the entire world that while she is mourning Jurian’s death, she is also furious, and she intends to avenge it.

----

Miryam draws quite a few stares as she walks through the halls of the palace of Telique by Drakon’s side. They are early, but many of the guests seem to have arrived already, and most of them are gaping at Miryam like they’ve never seen her before.

A part of it is probably the dress, since red is certainly a bold choice of colour. Going to a funeral basically declaring that you want revenge for what happened is not a usual move, especially for high-ranking politicians. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the smartest choice, but when Miryam commissioned the dress two days ago, she was furious enough that she wanted the entire world to know. Now, she is less angry than sad, but it’s a bit too late to change her mind, no matter how much she might wish she had opted for silver embroidery like Drakon did.

Still, she doesn’t fool herself into thinking that the dress is the only thing that draws stares. Knowing how quickly rumours spread, news of what she did to Artax – and the mountain range surrounding them – had likely made it all around the Continent within hours of the fact. And so people stare.

If Miryam is being honest, she can’t blame them for it.

Three days after the battle ended, Miryam still hasn’t figured out how exactly she feels about what she did. Somewhere in the mess of her emotions, she came to the conclusion that she doesn’t feel bad about what she did, but rather feels bad about not feeling bad.

It’s not that she feels any kind of sympathy for the soldiers she killed. It might be rather cold, but they were voluntarily fighting a war with the sole purpose of keeping slavery going – were likely slave-owners themselves – so as far as she is concerned, they don’t deserve her pity. And as for Artax, he certainly got what he deserved. Possibly deserved worse. But no matter how much the people she killed might have deserved it, Miryam doesn’t want to be the type of person who murders hundreds, maybe thousands of people and doesn’t feel bad afterwards. She doesn’t want to erase a person from existence either, no matter how much he might deserve it.

She crossed a line – she that she once promised herself to always steer clear of – and now, she can no longer say for sure if there are any lines she wouldn’t cross if it became necessary. Really, she can’t blame those people for being scared. She is scared herself.

“Do you want to go to the courtyard already?” Drakon asks.

Miryam nods and links her arm with his. At least now, she can stand the feeling of being touched again without feeling like tearing off her own skin. She actually finds the contact comforting, and right now, she can use any bit of comfort.

As they walk through the palace, Drakon asks, “Are you okay with holding the speech later on?”

“I think so,” Miryam replies. She spent the last sleepless night trying to find the words to express her feelings. She failed miserably, but the speech she came up with is still good enough. At least that’s what she hopes.

“If I can do anything to make it easier, just tell me,” Drakon says.

Miryam doesn’t manage to reply. It’s a kind offer, but that fact just makes her feel worse. No matter how much Drakon might give her a pass for her behaviour, she still isn’t being fair. She knows that he is mourning as well, and by all rights, she should be trying to support him as much as he is supporting her. But no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t drag up the energy.

Before she can manage to come up with something to say, they reach the courtyard where the funeral will be held. It is the biggest one in the palace, able to take in almost two thousand people, and for today’s funeral, it will be filled entirely. A pyre has already been constructed in its centre, and Miryam quickly averts her eyes.

Instead, she scans the courtyard for familiar faces. Until the ceremony begins, her and Drakon will be expected to talk to some of the guests. Making pleasant conversation is the last thing she wants right now, but there’s no way out of it.

“Zeku is over there,” Drakon says lightly, nodding in the direction.

Miryam follows his line of sight and spots Zeku standing with a group of Fae nobles towards the edge of the courtyard. As if noticing her attention, he looks over. Miryam beckons him over and is gratified to see that he excuses himself with his companions and starts walking towards her.

“I need to talk to Zeku for a bit,” Miryam says to Drakon. “About what happened in the last few days.”

It’s another thing she doesn’t feel like doing, but it’s necessary. Both Andromache and Nakia sent her letters complaining about Zeku’s behaviour during her absence, and Drakon’s accounts matched theirs. There is some kind of problem there, and it would be unwise for Miryam to leave it unattended for longer than necessary.

“Sure,” Drakon says. “Good luck.”

Miryam lets go of him and walks through the crowd towards Zeku. He inclines her head to her.

“It’s good to see you alive and well,” he says. “I had worried we’d seen each other for the last time. My condolences for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Miryam replies. She scans the people around them; no one is close enough to easily follow their conversation. “We ought to talk,” she says, voice lowered to a whisper.

“Now?” Zeku asks.

Miryam nods. “Better to get it over with, don’t you think?”

Zeku’s face tightens. “As you wish,” he says. “Then perhaps we ought to take this to a more private location.”

He offers her his arm, but Miryam declines with a slight shake of her head.Fortunately, Zeku doesn’t seem to take offence. He just puts his hands in his pockets and starts walking towards the edge of the crowd. Miryam quickly follows after him. She expected him to take her to one of the private meeting rooms, but he instead leads her towards the gardens. A public place. They never talk in public places. With a flick of his wrist, Zeku erects privacy wards around them, but they are still plainly visible to anyone who might be watching. She doesn’t like this.

Miryam glances around, but the garden seems empty, but appearances can be deceiving. She turns back to Zeku.

“Have I done anything to upset you?” She asks.

“What gives you that impression?” Zeku asks lightly. Normally, she would have played along, but today, she has no patience for games.

“Don’t you dare,” Miryam says. “After all these years, the least you owe me is honesty. If you are reconsidering our alliance, I want you to tell me outright, not go behind my back in the council when I’m not even around to see.”

Zeku is silent for a moment. He runs his fingers over the petals of a rose blooming on a bush next to them. Presses his finger against one of the thorns lightly, not hard enough to draw blood.

Please, Miryam thinks, trying hard not to let her desperation show, please tell me this isn’t true. Tell me I’m wrong.

“I’m sorry,” Zeku finally says, and Miryam only barely manages to keep her face impassive. “But I’m afraid our alliance will need to end here.”

“And may I ask why?” Miryam asks. She is proud of how even her voice sounds, even though she is screaming inside. His behaviour had pointed towards this outcome, but she had still hoped… This is a disaster.

“You know why.” Zeku still has his attention on the roses. If Miryam didn’t know better, she’d say he was purposefully avoiding eye contact. “The situation you’ve brought upon yourself – it can only end badly. And I don’t wish to be involved in whatever fallout there will be.”

“You don’t wish to be involved?” Miryam echoes. “Funny, that’s not what you said when this alliance was benefitting you. Alliances work both ways, you know?”

Zeku turns around to finally look at her, eyes dark. His long, fanned ears vibrate slightly. “Don’t twist this around to make me into a bad ally,” he says, tone growing tense. “I warned you. I warned you again and again, but you wouldn’t listen.” He glares at her. “No, you just had to keep playing leader of the Alliance. You married your way into Continental royalty. You decided to duel Artax and blew up a mountain range in the process, showing to the entire world just what you are capable of.” He gives her dress a pointed look, but doesn’t comment further on it. “With everything you did, you cemented your position as the future leader of the Continent further – declared that you wanted this position. And so with everything you did, you became a bigger threat to your allies. A threat they won’t stand for forever.”

Miryam realizes she began to shake her head slightly and stops. She glances down at herself, at that damn red embroidery, a symbol that will be takes the wrong way by the entire Fae half of the Continental royalty. She should have gone for a different dress. She should have kept herself in check during that duel. Blowing up mountain ranges and declaring that she wants vengeance for Jurian’s death for all the world to see might be what she wants, but it certainly doesn’t fit with the image she needs to portray.

She didn’t think. Didn’t think at all in the last weeks, it seems, and now, it’s going to cost her.

“Everything I did,” Miryam says slowly, trying to keep the desperation out of her voice, “I did to free my people. You think I am doing any of this for power, for my own gain? All I want, all I ever wanted, is for my people to be free and for this horror to finally end. What do I care who leads the Continent?”

“You really expect me to believe that you don’t want power, do you?” Zeku asks drily. “You started a Continent-wide war. Made yourself into one of the most powerful people on the Continent. Married into royalty. And you say power doesn’t matter to you?”

Of course power matters to Miryam – but only ever as a means to an end. She wants to free her people, and to do this, she needs a certain amount of power. Enough to be able to get people to do what she wants. (If people were more decent, that wouldn’t be necessary, but they aren’t, so there she is.)

“I have no interest in leading the Continent,” Miryam says, and this, at least, is the truth. She does not want to spend the rest of her life playing games, acting pleasant with people who look down on her, pretending she doesn’t care or doesn’t notice that all they care about is their own gain. She is tired of the rules, tired of the stares and the whispers that follow her everywhere, tired of being made to do things she doesn’t want to fulfil other people’s expectations.

Zeku shakes his head. “No one will ever believe that,” he says. “I’m not even sure if I believe it.”

No. No, he needs to believe her. Zeku can’t withdraw his support for her. He is her most influential Fae ally, if she loses his backing, she will be done for.

“Once the war is over,” she says, “I will vanish off the Continental playing field and gladly spend the rest of my life well away from all this. I promise.”

Zeku lets out a low laugh at that. “Once the war is over.” He shakes his head. “You don’t truly think that everything will be fine once the war is over, do you? That all that is wrong with this Continent will miraculously righten itself if only we defeat the Loyalists.” His smile vanishes, and now, he looks sad. “You might be able to end slavery, but you can’t stop prejudices and a sense of superiority many Fae have through war. The only way to do that will be hard work, and I sincerely doubt that there will be many Fae willing to do that. They will see no reason to.” He sighs. “So the only way to get change you dream of to actually happen, to ensure safety and equality for your people, would be by having the power to make it happen. You see where this ends, don’t you?”

Miryam doesn’t reply. She desperately wants to disagree, but she doesn’t know how. Zeku is right. She does like to think that all will be fine once the war is over – this belief is what keeps her going. She cannot look into the future and see only more struggle, one battle following the next in an endless row. She needs to believe that there is hope, some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. But she spent over six years working with the council. Too long for her to still believe they would ever choose the right way over the easy one. And if they really ended up refusing to work for equality, if they ended slavery but changed nothing else… Miryam knows herself far too well to believe she would ever be able to stand by idly.

Zeku seems to take her silence for confirmation. “I’m truly sorry, Miryam,” he says. “Believe me that I did not wish for it to end like this.”

“Then don’t let it end like this,” Miryam replies. “No one is forcing you!”

“I have a duty to my country, to my people who need me to maintain a position of strength.” Zeku doesn’t even look angry, just tired and sad. “For their sake, I cannot reach into a falling blade.”

Miryam is angry now, angry and desperate and it’s making her reckless. “If I had married you instead of Drakon, none of this would be a problem, right?” She snaps. She isn’t even trying to convince him anymore, but she is so furious, so scared. “You are just angry that the position I’m in doesn’t benefit you.”

“I believe you know me better than that,” Zeku says. “And your accusations won’t change my mind. I will still support the treaty Drakon is working on, but you, I can no longer support.” He hesitates. “We’ll win this war,” he adds. It’s almost like he’s trying to comfort her. “There will never be slavery again on this Continent.”

“And I will die.” If there was a threat before, it is now basically certainty. Without Zeku’s support, the other Fae will lose another reason to hesitate with acting against her. He’s as good as signing her death sentence and he knows.

He looks at her for a moment longer, seeming genuinely upset. “I’m truly sorry,” he repeats, then turns around and walks away, leaving her standing alone in the garden.

Miryam stares after him as he walks away, completely motionless. He truly cut off alliances with her. She doesn’t know why it stings so much, why she expected differently. Yes, their alliance included protection, but she always knew that it was limited. Him risking his life for her was never part of the deal. Still, after six years of being allies, Miryam had hoped… She had hoped Zeku would care enough to still help her.

She should have known better.

She looks around the garden. Still, no one else is visible, but surely there is someone watching. Someone is always watching.

Come on, she tells herself. Get moving. Don’t show them you’re upset. Slowly, Miryam straightens. Lifts her chin, schools her face into neutrality. Any spy that is watching won’t be able to report back to their employer on how much Zeku’s refusal to help hurt her. Whatever good it will do, but her dignity, her reputation, will remain intact for the time being.

I’m going to die. The thought keeps echoing through Miryam’s head as she slowly walks towards the palace below. They are truly going to kill her. Her own allies. And she doesn’t know how to stop it.

She spent her entire life playing games, defeating impossible odds, but this time, she is out of options. Backed against a wall with no way out. She cannot convince the Fae that she is no threat to them, and they will not allow her to simply continue on as before. And she cannot defeat them either, not when she still needs their support in this war.

I’m going to die. The certainty of the thought feels strange. She lived a long time with death hovering above her, but she always fought it. Now that all she can do anymore is accept what’s about to come, Miryam finds that she can’t.

She so badly wants to live to see the world she is fighting to create. She wants to live in a world where humans are free, where the shadow of death and slavery doesn’t hang over every step they take. Maybe she’ll even find a way to fix herself somewhere along the way, to leave behind the nightmares in her past. At the very least she wants a chance to try. After all this, she thinks the very least she deserves is a shot at being happy.

You’ll get everything you ever wanted, she tells herself. Your people will be free. So what if your life is the price?

But her life isn’t the price. She won’t die to free her people, or to help anyone at all. She will be murdered by her own allies over a threat that’s all in their heads and it simply isn’t fair.

Miryam reached the palace by now and is walking aimlessly through it, keeping to the side corridors where she is mostly alone.

Life isn’t fair, she tells herself. You’ve always known that. And this one time, you won’t be able to change it. Accept it and move on.

She doesn’t want to accept it, though. She can’t accept it.

Miryam stops walking. Alone in the corridor, she leans her head against the wall. She thinks of Jurian, murdered only a few months away from winning this war he sacrificed everything for. Will this be their fate, then? Both of them dead needlessly and before they could reach the future they were fighting for?

It isn’t fair. None of this is fair.

Miryam realizes there are tears running down her cheeks. She doesn’t even know when she started crying, but now, she can’t stop. No matter how much she tells herself that the middle of a public corridor is the worst possible place to have a breakdown, that she should at least wait until she gets somewhere more private, the tears simply won’t stop. She is sobbing so hard her entire body is shaking and she simply can’t stop.

She isn’t even entirely sure what she is crying for. Jurian or herself or how terribly everything wrong in just a few days… Wasn’t there once a time when she had everything under control? Now, she can’t even control herself enough to stop these stupid tears.

Steps approach from one end of the corridor. Now, Miryam should really get a grip. Being found sobbing uncontrollably in a corridor is the last thing she needs. (Although who know – convincing the council she is completely overwhelmed and losing her grip on herself might just get them to let her live.) But she still can’t get herself under control and she can’t hide, so she at least turns around to face whoever is approaching.

Fate, it seems, has decided to take some small amount of mercy on Miryam, because the person walking up to her isn’t one of the Fae members of the council, but Nakia. The old queen stops in front of her, watching her closely out of dark eyes. Miryam attempts to discreetly wipe away her tears, but she is still crying, so it doesn’t work very well.

“Come along,” Nakia says.

Without waiting for a reply, she puts a hand behind Miryam’s back and starts leading her down the corridor. They only need to walk around a few corners before they reach a guarded door. One of the guards opens it for them and they step into the suite beyond. Nakia’s rooms, it seems.

The queen dismisses the two servants inside with a few quiet words and deposits Miryam on the couch.

“Water?” She asks. “Tea? Something stronger?”

“Tea,” Miryam manages.

Nakia nods. There is a kettle already standing above the furnace, and she pours a cup for Miryam, putting it down on a small table in front of her. Then, she goes rummaging around in one of the cupboards, finally producing an artfully stitched handkerchief. She hands it to Miryam.

“You may keep it,” she says. “I’ve got dozens, since I keep getting gifted with them.”

“Thank you,” Miryam says. She tries to study the handkerchief in her fingers, but her vision is too blurry to make out the artful decorations, so she just clings to it as she cries, crumbling the fabric in her fingers.

Nakia shrugs and sits down on a couch opposite of her. She doesn’t say anything, simply lets Miryam cry.

After what seems like an eternity, the tears finally stop. Miryam wipes away the tears as gracefully as possible, as if being graceful now will somehow keep up appearances. Her face feels swollen, and her throat is scratchy. She takes a sip of tea.

“Thank you,” she tells Nakia, who is still watching her in silence.

“I’m sorry about Jurian,” she finally says, breaking the silence. “He was a good man. Deserved better.”

Miryam nods. There is a new tightness in her throat that has nothing to do with the tears and makes it impossible to speak. She wonders if she’ll ever get used to hearing Jurian referred to in the past tense. If she’d had any tears left, she might have started crying again.

Nakia seems to consider for a moment, then adds, “It wasn’t your fault, you know that, right? There was nothing you could have done.”

Miryam simply stares down into her tea. She distinctly remembers a time when Nakia told her that everything – the war and every risk and death associated with it – was her fault, but bringing that up seems petty now. They moved past that time, and besides, it is impolite to call out other peoples’ empty words of reassurance.

Still, Nakia’s words offer an escape route. Not her fault – and wouldn’t that be pleasant? To simply hand over responsibility for all the terrible things happening around her to someone else. She could probably argue that all this just happened to her, that she had no idea what she was doing. After all, she is only a young woman just shy of twenty-five, in way over her head. No one can truly expect her to somehow be able to fix all this.

But the thing about giving up responsibility is that in doing so, you also give up credit. If Miryam isn’t guilty of the terrible things that happened, then it wasn’t her who achieved all the good things, either. And anyways, pretending she was just an uninvolved bystander, someone being pushed around without plan or agency, would be a lie. She knew what she was doing, and even when she didn’t, she at the very least chose to keep going anyways.

It was her who started and led this war. She was the one who failed to save Jurian. By the end of it, she will likely have gotten herself killed as well. But she will also be the one who brought about the end of slavery, who saved millions of humans and changed the world. And I would do it all again, Miryam thinks, and this, at least, is true.

“I know it likely feels like it, but sometimes, bad things simply happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. Live as long as I have, and you will learn that.”

I won’t, though, Miryam thinks, and for a moment, she desperately wants to say it. Nakia, though not a politician, did this for so much longer than Miryam. Maybe she will know an answer, a way out. She got this far on her own, but now, she desperately needs help, someone to tell her what to do next. And she knows that Nakia, gruff though she might be at times, would try to help her. She would not just abandon her. Even if it meant going to war against their allies, Nakia would help her.

Unfortunately, that is exactly why Miryam can’t say anything.

If she tells Nakia, tells anyone, that the Fae half of the council is currently contemplating her death, it will drive a rift right through the Alliance. Nakia and the other humans would stand with her, that, she is sure of. Humans stand as one, they certainly don’t let their own be murdered by Fae. But if none of that ended up helping, if Miryam still died… it would shatter any hope of peace. The treaties her and Drakon worked on so hard, that hope for a peaceful future, all of it would be for nothing. There might just be another war, more deaths – and Miryam doesn’t think her life is worth quite this much.

She doesn’t want to die, doesn’t want to accept it. But if the alternative is another war, more death, and at the end of it possibly the humans losing… well, she can accept that option even less. She will never be able to accept that option. So she simply takes a sip from her tea and doesn’t tell Nakia about how the next big funeral might well be hers.

----

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Andromache asks.

She is standing in front of the mirror, checking over her outfit for the evening one last time. The dress is relatively modest, made from rich, black velvet, with a high neckline and long sleeves. It’s closer to Miryam’s preferred style than to Andromache’s own, but it is certainly fitting for a funeral. The embroidery on it is dark blue, signifying close alliance or personal friendship to the deceased.

“Rhys isn’t doing well,” Mor says from where she is sitting on the couch. She is wearing casual clothes, her blonde hair pulled back in a loose braid. “I really want to check up on him.”

Andromache nods and straightens her silver necklace. In the last few days, Mor only left Rhysand’s side when there was no other choice. He has been sent to some hidden property in the Night Court along with some healers, and from the limited information Andromache gets through Mor, he is in a bad state. His injuries aren’t life-threatening, but apparently, Illyrians tend to react badly to injuries to their wings. With Rhysand, the physical strain seems to be less of an issue than the mental one, so Mor has been trying to be there for him as much as possible.

Andromache understands and approves, and she doesn’t think she ever hinted at having a problem with it. Still, Mor is fidgeting in her seat.

“But if that’s a problem…” She hesitates. Bites her lip. “Of if you just think I should come, I could maybe… I mean, I’m sure Rhys wouldn’t mind if I came an hour later.”

Andromache sighs. “I’m not going to be angry if you don’t come to the funeral, Mor,” she says. “How you feel about Jurian is your matter entirely.”

She still isn’t exactly fond of Mor’s opinion of Jurian, but she decided that it’s best if she stays out of it. It is not for her to judge Mor’s feelings in that regard, and for the sake of their relationship, Andromache can accept that. After all, being in a relationship sometimes means compromise, and since Andromache very much wants to continue this relationship, compromise she will.

Mor looks relieved. “Thank you,” she says. Nervousness gone, she grins at Andromache. “You look stunning in that dress, by the way.”

Andromache smiles back at her and tugs a loose strand behind her ear. “Thank you,” she says. A look at the clock reveals that she has only half an hour left until the funeral begins. She doesn’t have a long way, but it would be inappropriate for her to turn up at the last moment. “I should go,” she says. “Do I see you in the evening?”

“I’ll try,” Mor says. She scrunches up her nose slightly, which makes her look very cute. “I mean, unless there is some big trouble with Rhysand, I should be able to make it.”

“That’s wonderful,” Andromache says and means it. In the last few days, they’ve barely seen each other, and especially with the funeral this evening, she thinks she could use something to look forward to.

With a wave over her shoulder, Andromache walks out of her rooms. It only takes her a few minutes to get to the courtyard where the funeral is being held, and one look at it should that it was a good thing she decided to come early since everyone else certainly did. The courtyard is already nearly full. The council is completely present, although Andromache wonders whether all of them actually care about Jurian’s death or just about their appearances. But there are also other guests, people for the city and common soldiers, most of them humans. Some of them are crying.

Andromache makes her way through the crowd, people moving aside to make space for her, and scans it for familiar faces. She recognizes a few council members and advisors, but she has no interest in speaking to any of them. Finally, she spots Drakon standing towards the edge of the crowd, one of the people closest to the fire. He is accompanied only by four of his guards, Miryam nowhere to be seen. Andromache walks over to him. Both of their guard details break away as she approaches, moving aside to give them some privacy.

“Miryam’s not here?” Andromache asks by way of greeting.

She scans the crowd again, but she thinks she would have noticed by now if Miryam was around. Crowds tend to move around important people in a certain way, and that makes them easy to spot. It’s like they are stones thrown into water, casting out ripples around themselves.

“She wanted to talk to Zeku,” Drakon says. He glances towards the pyre in the centre of the courtyard. “She should be back soon, though.”

Andromache privately hopes Miryam is giving Zeku an earful for his behaviour in the past days. It’s a good thing that she’s back now to deal with it. Andromache and her will have to meet sometime in the next days to get her caught up on what happened in the while she was gone as well as work through some paperwork that remained unfinished in the last days. So far, they haven’t even gotten the chance to speak yet, although Andromache sent Miryam a letter with the most important details. The reply was polite and perfectly neutral, which is generally a bad sign.

“How is she?” Andromache asks, because she doubts Miryam is going to tell her and she really doesn’t want a repeat of the wall-spell-situation.

Drakon seems a little uncomfortable at the question. He starts drumming around on his leg and looks away. Andromache only understands why when he says, “You probably should ask her about that.”

Andromache sighs. Inconvenient as it might be, she does respect Drakon’s unwillingness to share private information about Miryam with anyone else. Even more importantly, though, it means that Miryam is at the very least talking about how she feels, which is more than Andromache expected.

By now, the sun has almost set. The funeral will start soon.

“Will you speak during the ceremony?” Andromache asks, changing the subject away from Miryam.

It is common for those who were close to the deceased to hold little speeches at the funeral. Miryam will go first, as she was closest to Jurian, but after that, anyone who wishes may speak. Andromache prepared a speech herself, and she is sure many of the councilmembers will have done the same  – some out of genuine care, more out of politeness.

To her surprise, Drakon shakes his head. “I don’t think Jurian would want me to,” he says. “I would like, of course, but…” He shrugs. “Considering that Jurian’s last words to me were him threatening to kill me, I really don’t think it’s my place. It wouldn’t feel right, don’t you think?”

Andromache flinches. With all that had been going on in the last few days, she hardly thought about that incident at all anymore. If she’s being honest, she hardly thought about how Drakon might feel after Jurian’s death at all, much less about what it must be like for him to know that Jurian, who was once his closest friend, died hating him.

“You did the right thing,” she says. “You couldn’t have known… I mean, who could have known it would end like this? You were just trying to help him.”

“Fat amount of good did that do,” Drakon mutters, and really, there’s no way for Andromache to contradict that.

She briefly considers telling Drakon that Jurian never truly hated him, but discards the idea. Kind as the words might be, but it would be a lie, and she is sure Drakon would know. Jurian did hate him. Unfair and born out of pain it might have been, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Drakon says in an admirable attempt to sound light. He almost manages with his tone, but his eyes betray him. He keeps glancing towards the pyre where Jurian will soon be burned. “I’m doing alright, really.”

Andromache is about to tell him that he is a terrible liar and she doesn’t believe a word, but Drakon already turns away from her and towards one of the entrances to the courtyard. Andromache follows his line of sight and finds Miryam stepping into the courtyard, side by side with Nakia. Nakia is wearing black and silver, same as Drakon, but Miryam…

Andromache turns to Drakon. “Bold choice of colour,” she whispers as around them, people turn to stare at Miryam.

If the stares bother her, Miryam doesn’t show it. Back straight, head held high, she walks through the parting crowd, heading for Andromache and Drakon. She gives Andromache a tight smile as greeting, then takes her place next to Drakon. Nakia, who walked over with her, nods to them both before stopping next to Andromache.

Before any of them get the chance to say anything, a trumpet blast from the battlements cleaves the air. Another joins in, then another, and around them, the crowd falls silent as the doors to the courtyard’s main entrance open.

In the days leading up to the funeral, there had been some discussion on what the ceremony would look like. Nakia had been in favour of a Sythian ceremony, given Jurian’s Scytian ancestry. Her wishes had been honoured in parts – for example, Jurian’s horse had been taken to a farm on the countryside, forbidden from being ridden by anyone else now that its rider was dead – but in general, it had been quickly agreed on that they would need a neutral ceremony, one that all humans could get behind. So the bier that is slowly being carried out into the courtyard now is not being born by riders, as is Sythian tradition, but carried by one soldier from each human kingdom.

The crowd parts to make space for them, the silence is almost eerie. Andromache looks at the body lying on the bier, covered with a white clothe to spare the guests from having to see what was done to him, then away again. She insisted on seeing the corpse without the cloth – a mistake, she decided. It will be a while before she will be able to chase that image from her thoughts.

Finally, the silent procession reached the pyre. The soldiers carefully place Jurian’s body on the wood, then step back, vanishing into the crowd. For a moment, no one moves.

Miryam steps forward slowly. The light of the setting sun catches on the red embroidery of her dress and makes it seem aflame as she walks forward. She stops a few steps away from the pyre and surveys the crowd, then turns to look at the body laid out on the pyre. She stares at the cloth covering it like she can see Jurian’s corpse straight through the cloth. She doesn’t move, doesn’t make to speak.

The silence stretches on too long. With each moment Miryam remains standing there, it seems to become heavier until it’s like there’s a physical weight pressing down on them all. The crowd is becoming restless. No one quite dares to speak, but people are shifting around on their feet, glancing nervously at each other.

Miryam is still standing with her back to the crowd. Her shoulders are bowed and she seems far smaller than usual. With a start, Andromache realizes that she should probably have asked Miryam if she feels up to speaking at the funeral at all, if she knows what she is going to say. People are unsettled enough by Jurian’s death as it is, and it is absolutely vital that the main speech at his funeral eases their concern – Andromache should have considered that maybe Miryam, whose reaction to Jurian’s death was to blow up a mountain range, might not really be suited to the task. But maybe she got a bit too used to always turning to Miryam to fix their problems in the last few years.

----

Miryam is going to fall apart. Sitting in Nakia’s rooms, she tried so hard to pull herself together, tried to get a grip on herself, but no amount of bracing herself could ever have prepared her for this.

They covered Jurian’s body with a cloth, likely to keep from shocking the attendees further, but Miryam still knows what is hidden under the white fabric. As if summoned by her thoughts, the image of is mutilated body rises.

He is dead. For the last few days, Miryam tried hard to avoid the thought, to not think about his corpse lying in that tent, but now, she can no longer push it away. Jurian is dead, and no matter what Miryam does, she won’t be able to change it.

“We still wanted to talk,” she whispers. Her voice is slightly uneven. “There was so much… so much I still needed to talk to you about.”

That’s what her mind keeps jumping back to. During their last meeting, she had wanted to speak to him, to finally clear everything up and find a way to move forward together as friends, without all that weight hanging between them, but Jurian was distracted and her mind was on the wedding, and so that they had decided to talk tomorrow. Only there had never been a tomorrow.

She’d thought they would still have time. She knew, of course, that anyone could die any time, but she never really thought… They should have had time. But now, they are out of time, and they will never get to have that conversation.

Tears burn in Miryam’s eyes and she turns away from the pyre, only to come face to face with a crowd of funeral guests staring up at her. Miryam nearly flinches back from the weight of their stares.

A speech. She is supposed to be holding a speech, damnit. But when she tries to remember the words she prepared in advance, her mind comes up completely blank. The people are still staring at her. Miryam can only stare back helplessly.

She needs to say something. Now. If she loses it in front of the assembled Continental leadership as well as hundreds of other guests, she will be done for. Well, maybe she will manage to ridicule herself enough that no one will bother to have her assassinated anymore, but far more likely is that they will still kill her, just with far less hesitation.

She looks over to Drakon, who is still standing in the front row, and takes a deep breath.

“I think death always feels sudden,” Miryam says, addressing the crowd. She has no idea where she is going with this, but since she still can’t remember what her original speech was supposed to be, she will simply have to improvise. “Even in war, when you know that the odds of everyone making it out alive are slim, you still never quite expect it.”

She straightens, lets her gaze sweep over the crowd. “I’m sure many of you know the feeling. Maybe you lost friends, or family. People you cared about.” She glances over at the pyre, then quickly looks away again. Her throat feels tight and she has to swallow before she can continue. “And many of you, I am sure, feel this way right now, just as I do.”

Now, the crowd has calmed. They are watching in anticipation now, a sea of faces staring up at her, waiting for her next words. Waiting for her to give them hope, to ease their pain or at least describe her own. Miryam just wishes they would go away, that they would leave her alone with her grief and stop imposing on a situation that should be private.

“I lost…” she begins, but breaks off. How can she even begin to describe what she lost, what Jurian was to her? There are no words that could ever come close to describing. “Jurian and I,” she starts over, “knew each other for nearly eight years. We were together every step of the way, fought together to get us to this point.” She shakes her head. “I cannot even begin to describe the loss I am feeling. There are no words… no words that would be big enough, and I refuse to make my feelings smaller for the sake of being able to express them.”

She pauses, not entirely for effect. She just needs to breathe for a moment, to will her voice to remain calm. At this point, she should probably speak of her relationship to Jurian, of what he meant to her, but she can’t put this into words either, and she certainly doesn’t want to share it with these strangers.

But are they strangers, though? She might not know them, that is true, but they are all in this together. United in this war, but also in that moment. After all, didn’t all these people come here to mourn Jurian today, just as she did? And who is she to claim that loss for herself alone?

“But I know that today, we are all united in that loss,” she continues, changing the focus of the speech. Away from herself and towards the broader picture. “Not everyone here might have had the privilege of knowing Jurian personally, of being able to call him friend, but I know everyone here cared about him in some way.”

Well, looking at Shey, who is standing towards the front of the crowd together with the other councilmembers, probably not everyone. But right now, she couldn’t care less about Shey. She will have to deal with him, and soon, but not right now. This moment belongs to Jurian, no one else.

“I think that Jurian was just that type of person. He didn’t only inspire loyalty and courage in the people around him, he also gave them reason to care about him – partially because he so clearly cared about them,” Miryam says. “Those of you who worked under Jurian will know that he treated his soldiers not only as subordinates, but also as friends, and that there was little he wouldn’t have done for them.”

There are murmurs of agreement throughout the crowd. Most of Jurian’s soldiers died in the battle against Amarantha, but there are still many who worked under him for at least a short amount of time.

“But we don’t just mourn Jurian as a friend, a comrade or a commander,” Miryam continues. “He was all those things, but I believe that to most of us, he was more.” She pauses again, collects herself. “Jurian fought this war long before most people even spoke of war,” she says. “And more than most others, he stood for this fight. He was always there, from the very beginning, and I believe everyone here knew one thing for sure: That he would never give up. Jurian would do whatever necessary, and he would see this war through until the end.”

She takes a deep breath. “If there was one person I would have bet on to survive this war, it would have been him,” she says quietly. “And I know I am not the only one here who has a hard time imagining how this war, this future will look without him.”

The sun has set almost entirely now, and Miryam is done. The crowd is still staring at her, expectant, waiting for her to go on, but Miryam doesn’t wish to continue. No matter how much reason these people might have to be here, this isn’t what she wants this funeral to be, and she doubts it is what Jurian would have wanted. It’s a public spectacle, a political act. And Miryam doesn’t wish to lay her pain bare for all to see. It is hers, and the only person she will ever speak to about it, the only one who will ever come close to understanding, is Drakon.

Her speech might not have been perfect, but what does that matter now? She is sure Jurian would understand. He never did like big ceremonies and political games, and he certainly wouldn’t appreciate his funeral being made into one.

She is done. At the edge of the pyre, a torch is already burning, and as the closest living family to Jurian, Miryam will be the one who has the honour to light it once she is done with her speech. She reaches for the torch and turns around, ready to light the pyre. As she does, her gaze meets Andromache’s. The looks panicked.

It’s enough to make Miryam pause. It doesn’t take long to realize why Andromache is so panicked – if she ends the speech like this, she does so on a negative note. More than that. She sounds like she is losing hope, and that could be fatal. Jurian’s death was likely already a blow to general morale, but if Miryam now speaks like it is a danger to the war effort… It will be bad.

Miryam stares down at the burning torch in her hands.

“But I know one thing for sure,” she says, looking back up at the crowd, hating every moment of it. “That he wouldn’t want us to give up. He would not want us to despair or doubt over his death, he would want us to keep fighting.” She lets her gaze sweep over the crowd in a way that tends to make people feel like she is looking directly at them. “And the best way to honour his sacrifice,” she says, “is for us to win this fight he gave his life for.”

With that, she turns around, away from the crowd and the staring faces. There are tears in her eyes again, and she allows them to fall as she looks, one last time, at Jurian’s body laid out on the pyre.

I’m sorry, she thinks. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, and that we never talked. I’m sorry I let your funeral be made into some political show, and that I didn’t find the right words to say what I feel.

“We will win this,” she whispers. She isn’t sure if she believes in an afterlife, but she hopes that somehow, somewhere, he can hear her. “I promise.”

Then, she dips the torch forward. The flames lick over the wood, greedily eating it up. Miryam turns away before they reach Jurian’s body and walks back to where Drakon is standing.

----

Jurian isn’t dead. That much, at least, he knows for sure. After all, if he was dead, he wouldn’t be able to think about whether he is dead or not, and he wouldn’t be able to see the grey floor below.

But he isn’t alive either. How could he be alive when he can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe. When he doesn’t have a body.

This is a nightmare. A complete and utter nightmare. Jurian is terrified, but without a body to react, even the fear doesn’t feel quite real. There is no racing heartbeat, no sweaty palms, no physical reaction at all, and so the emotion feels strangely flat, like it is all in his head.

His field of vision moves. The floor vanishes, and for a moment, the room spins around him; then, Amarantha’s face comes into focus in front of him. He wishes he could close his eyes – or rather, his eye, since that’s all he seems to be anymore – but he can’t even do that, so he is forced to look at the monster in front of him.

“Did you already get used to it?” Amarantha asks. She sounds almost curious, as if this is the most interesting thing she’s seen all year.

Jurian obviously can’t reply, but he hopes he at least looks angry. No, he hasn’t gotten used to it, and he doesn’t plan to. This can’t be his future. It can’t be. That’s what he tells himself, how he tries to keep himself from giving in to despair. This isn’t forever.

His allies, his friends are still out there, and they won’t just leave him here to rot. They will come to save him. Miryam will come, and she will figure something out to make him right again. She will. She must.

“Or do you still hold on to the belief that your little mortal will come save you?” Amarantha taunts, as if she read his mind. “She won’t come. Chances are she’s already forgotten you.”

No. No, this isn’t true. His eye begins spinning wildly, startling Jurian who didn’t want to do this, and it takes him a while to get it to still again.

“Why would she lift a finger to save you when she already found such a splendid replacement?” Amarantha asks. Her mouth twists into a small smile. “Oh, that must sting, right? To do anything for that woman, to murder my sister, only for her to leave you for one of the very Fae you hate so much.”

Jurian’s thoughts move wildly. He is angry – or scared? Distraught? Without a body to react properly, he has a hard time telling, but whatever he is feeling, it isn’t good.

Miryam wouldn’t have. She wouldn’t have married a Fae, and she wouldn’t just abandon him. No matter the disagreements they might have had, she simply wouldn’t do that.

“Her and Prince Drakon didn’t even bother showing up to your funeral,” Amarantha taunts. “They certainly won’t bother to help you.” Amarantha’s smile widens and she lets Jurian’s eye dangle closer to her face. “You better get used to this,” she says. “Because this is going to be forever.”

All Jurian can do in reaction is to look around wildly, eye spinning so quickly that he can’t even make out his surroundings.

He isn’t dead. But oh, he wishes he was.

----

The pyre burns down slowly. Drakon stands next to Miryam, so close to the fire that he can feel the warmth on his face, and listens as speaker after speaker steps forward. Andromache’s speech is good, as is Nakia’s, but after that, it quickly goes downhill.

Next to him, Miryam simply stares and stares at the flames as they devour Jurian’s body. Drakon isn’t sure if she is listening to the speeches at all. Sometime during the ceremony, she reached for his hand and is now clinging to it. Her grip is too tight for comfort, but Drakon needs something to hold on to almost as much as she does, so he doesn’t say anything.

The speeches end far sooner than Drakon expected. When his family was burned, the speeches went on for hours, lasting until long past midnight. (Drakon still vividly remembers standing alone by the pyres, trying desperately to hold back the tears and just wanting the ceremony to be over already.) This ceremony isn’t even half as long, and while all of the human councilmembers step forward to say something, Zeku is the only Fae to do so. Drakon almost regrets his choice not to say anything, almost changes his mind, but he can’t shake the feeling that Jurian would hate it if he did. He would likely see it as Drakon trying to claim a friendship that, at least in Jurian’s mind, ended years ago already.

The pyre has burned down entirely by the time the last speech is over. For a moment, everyone stands in silence before the first guests begin to move. Quiet conversation rises. Neither Drakon nor Miryam move. Drakon’s eyes are burning again, but he blinks the tears away.

By the time Miryam finally stirs, most of the guests seem to have forgotten about the actual funeral entirely and shifted their focus to either the food or their political goals.

“It was a good speech,” Drakon says to Miryam. “Jurian would have liked it.”

“He would probably have found it too political, though,” Miryam says. She glances around the crowd. For a moment, her face twists in something like disgust. “Just this once. I wish they could leave their stupid political games aside just this once. Do they have no decency at all?”

Drakon nods, tugging his wings in close to his body. “Maybe we should have insisted on a smaller funeral. Or held it together with the armies.”

“Maybe,” Miryam agrees, looking around the crowd. “Can we go somewhere quiet, please?” She asks softly.

Drakon frowns. The official part of the funeral ceremony is over and they’ve stayed as long as propriety demands. What follows now will likely just be tedious conversations with various nobles. Still, Miryam and him were closest to Jurian out of all attendees, and it seems wrong for them to leave this early.

On the other hand, none of what is about to come will actually be about Jurian. It will just be politics, impersonal and cold. It is not, Drakon thinks, what Jurian would want his funeral to be like. He would likely have preferred something quiet, a small ceremony with his friends or maybe the soldiers he worked with in attendance, possibly a dinner afterwards. He most certainly wouldn’t have wanted his funeral to be anything that involved Miryam being made uncomfortable, this much, Drakon is sure of.

“Sure,” he says.

Together, they walk through the crowd. People stare at Miryam and nearly jump aside to make space for them. Apparently, no one really wants to talk to her today. Maybe because they wouldn’t know what to say – or maybe because what happened at the Callian Pass got them scared.

This way, they make it almost to the edge of the crowd without being forced into any conversations. Unfortunately, their luck doesn’t hold. Just before they reach the edge of the courtyard, one of Drakon’s least favourite councilmembers steps into their way.

“Emperor Shey,” Miryam greets. She gives the barest nod, and Drakon quickly mimics the motion, inclining his head a bit deeper than she did.

Shey returns the greeting. “Your Highnesses. My condolences.” His mouth twists into a slight smile as he glances towards their joined hands. “If condolences are in order, that is."

Drakon tenses. Next to him, Miryam does as well. “They are,” she says, tone far more biting than usual for her.

Shey merely gives her a smile, sharp as a knife. “Quite the speech you gave there,” he says.

“I wish I could return the compliment,” Miryam replies, “but you didn’t give a speech, as I couldn’t help but notice.”

“A purely political consideration,” Shey says, ignoring her tone. “I’m sure you of all people understand the importance of sending a message – after all, you did it so very skilfully in the last few days.”

Miryam tenses further. “That wasn’t a message, at least not in the way you think,” she snaps. “Contrary to your obvious belief, you and any possible messages I might send to you aren’t high on my list of priorities. And I honestly think both our lives would be far easier if you stopped assuming that everything I do somehow relates to you or your political games. Because I can assure you that it doesn’t.”

Without giving Shey the chance to reply, she spins around and stalks off. Drakon hurries to follow after her. He can feel Miryam trembling next to him.

“I need to get out of her,” she whispers once they are out of hearing range. “Right now.”

Drakon nods. They quietly peel away from the crowds. Together, they walk through the corridors to the courtyard from which they can winnow. Miryam doesn’t specify where she wants to go, but there’s really only one place Drakon can think of for them to get some peace and quiet. Cretea.

This time, he doesn’t winnow them to his usual landing spot for visiting the cave. (He needs to visit Ghost again sometime soon, but today, they aren’t on Cretea for him but simply for some privacy.) Instead, he takes them to a spot about five miles south. There are ruins there, hidden in the jungle and overgrown by wines and trees. Drakon discovered them on the way to the cave once, and he was never able to figure out what the buildings were before time reduced them to rubble. Some kind of palace, or maybe a temple, from the looks of it. He always wanted to go explore them sometime, but with the war, he never found the time.

Him and Miryam sit down on a fallen pillar, the paintings that must have once made it beautiful faded beyond recognition and the stone cracked in places. Even with the few steps they walked, there are leaves and twigs caught in the hem of Miryam’s dress and she starts carefully plucking them out.

Drakon lets her finish in silence, giving her the chance to say something should she want to. But she doesn’t say anything, barely even looks at him or anything else, so once she is done, he asks carefully, “Do you want to tell me what that was about?”

He feels bad for pushing her so shortly after the funeral, when all he wants to do is take time to mourn Jurian in peace. But there is something going on, that much is clear from the conversation with Shey and the problems with Zeku and the fact that hardly any Fae spoke at Jurian’s funeral – and if even Drakon can tell that there is a problem, then they are really in trouble. For all that he wants to give Miryam time and space, for all that he himself would like to mourn in peace, if there is some big political mess they are in, he needs to know.

Miryam is silent for a moment. “I messed up,” she finally says. “I miscalculated on some things, and I made mistakes, and I...” She shakes her head. “It’s all messed up,” she whispers. “Everything is out of control, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not sure if I even can.”

----

Telling Drakon about what happened is far easier than Miryam initially thought. As soon as she admitted that she lost control, that she doesn’t know what to do, the words basically seem to flow on their own. She talks about the conversation she had with Zeku before getting kidnapped and the one earlier today, how the Fae all seem to be jumping at shadows and she doesn’t know how to stop them. Drakon listens in silence. With each word, his expression darkens.

“Shit,” he mutters when she is finished. He runs a hand through his hair, wings trembling slightly. “And Zeku is just going along with this?”

“He’s just trying to look out for his people,” Miryam says. “You can’t really blame him for that.”

With a few hours of time to calm down, she got over her initial anger and realized that she really has no right to feel betrayed. After all, feeling betrayed implies some kind of betrayal, and there was none. Miryam disregarded Zeku’s advice and brought herself into the situation she is in now – Zeku had every right to cut off ties. He didn’t owe it to her to risk his position for her, and actually was rather nice about the entire matter. He could easily have withdrawn support for the treaty they are working on, for all their political goals, but instead, he only cut ties to her personally.

If anything, Miryam should probably be grateful.

Still, feelings aren’t entirely rational, and so Miryam still feels rather like she has been used and then discarded. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t quite shake the feeling that it must have been Zeku’s plan from the beginning to let her take the fall should anything go wrong, that he supported her partially because she was no one of consequence, and, when it comes down to it, replaceable.

This, of course, isn’t quite fair either. Partially because having a back-up plan was well within Zeku’s right, but mainly because Zeku, being a lesser faerie, has always been in a delicate position on the Continent and is just trying to do what he has to to make sure his people are alright. Miryam can respect that. In his place, she might even do the same.

“There’s something we need to talk about,” she says, changing the subject away from Zeku. She can’t change anything about his actions now, so there is little use discussing them. But with how things are currently developing, there is an agreement she needs to make with Drakon.

She has the feeling that he won’t like what she is about to say, but it’s important. She thought about it while sitting in Nakia’s suite and came to the conclusion that this is the only logical next step.

“If this goes badly,” she begins, then stops herself. There’s really no point finding pretty words around what she means. “If I do get killed,” she starts over, “I want you to promise that you’ll go along with whatever story they come up with.”

Drakon, as estimated, does not like it. He twists around to her, feathers ruffling slightly. “What?”

“There will be some kind of cover story,” Miryam says. “An accident, I assume. And you have to pretend that you believe it. You can’t ever question it – not to the Fae, not to the humans, not to anyone.”

“And why would I do that?” Drakon asks. “Assuming you do get murdered by our allies, I’d say the last thing I would want to do is help your murderers get away with it.”

Miryam sighs. She knew this wouldn’t be easy. “I don’t want anyone to find out,” she says, “because this would split the Alliance in half and ruin any chance of lasting peace between humans and Fae. And I don’t want you to let on that you know, because if you do, you will be murdered as well.”

Drakon jumps off the pillar they were sitting on and starts pacing in the grass in front of her. “I can’t believe you are just accepting this,” he says, shaking his head.

“I’m not,” Miryam says. And she really doesn’t. Part of her is still raging against the unfairness of it all. She simply came to the conclusion that she likely won’t be able to change anything about it, so she ought to start planning for that.

“No, you’re right. You’ve skipped right over accepting it and are now coming up with plans to cover up your own murder.” Drakon shakes his head. “This isn’t a fallback plan, or a last option, Miryam. You aren’t even trying to come up with a way to get out of this alive because you are so busy planning for what will happen after your death.”

Miryam winces. She can’t quite deny that Drakon has a point. She did spend more time trying to come up with plans for what to do after her death than with ways to actually stay alive. And yes, upon closer examination, her trying to help cover up her own murder is a bit messed up as well, but she isn’t doing this for fun. She does it because it’s the only way.

“Do you think this is what I want?” She asks sharply, jumping to her feet as well. “I don’t want to die, but I’m backed into a corner and I have no idea how to get back out. Besides, Clythia told Jurian that she had a vision I would die before the war is over no matter what. And I don’t usually believe in this shit, but I’m beginning to think she might have been right, and if she was, I never stood a chance either way.”

Drakon freezes. “There’s a prophecy?” He asks, and Miryam realizes that he actually didn’t know that yet.

“Yes,” she says, “but prophecy or not, I am in trouble and all I’m trying to do is come up with the best possible solution.” She runs a hand through her hair, sighing. “And if I am about to get murdered no matter what, I don’t want to drag this Alliance and any hope for lasting peace down with me.”

Drakon lets himself drop back down onto the pillar. His annoyance seems to have evaporated. “It has only been a few hours, Miryam,” he says softly. “A few hours since you spoke to Zeku, and yet you already seem to have decided that you don’t stand a chance.” He glances up at her. “Do you remember what happened the last time you just decided you would die and that there was nothing to be done about it?”

Miryam feels her cheeks heat. She remembers all too well. After all, the experience of nearly tearing herself apart with her own power is hard to forget – as is the knowledge that none of this would have been necessary if she had just asked for help. (She also remembers all too well that her refusal to talk about her problems back then played a role in eventually ending her relationship with Jurian, which is another thing she really doesn’t want to repeat.)

Maybe, possibly, Drakon has a point.

“I don’t know how, though,” she says softly, letting herself drop down to the pillar next to Drakon. “It’s all just too much. The Alliance, the War, all the things I need to do, all the responsibilities…” She shakes her head. “I really don’t want to die. But I don’t know where I’m supposed to take the energy to keep this from happening.”

She is so tired. So wrecked with pain and anger and loss. Jurian is dead and she is still there, and even seven years in, they still haven’t won this war. She doesn’t know how long she will manage to keep this up anymore, how far she can push herself before she falls apart entirely.

Miryam leans back to glance up at the sky, tries to let the glittering stars comfort her. “Maybe we should run away,” she says with faked lightness. “We could just not go back. No one would ever find us.”

“We could rebuild one of the houses,” Drakon says, immediately jumping on to her line of thought. He glances around the ruins surrounding them. “Well, maybe not this one – it looks more like a palace, and I think it might just collapse around us if we try. But some other house.”

“Doesn’t need to be stone,” Miryam adds. “We could use branches and leaves, maybe clay, and build something from that. That seems more doable without actually knowing much about building houses.”

She isn’t being serious, of course, and she knows that Drakon isn’t either. Neither of them would ever run away. But just for the moment, it is nice to pretend. Just for tonight, they can dream up a future that will never be, pretend they can just walk away and live normally, away from all the struggles that dictate their lives.

“There are plenty of fruits, too,” Drakon says. “I don’t know all of the plants, but I’m sure some of those are edible.”

Miryam grins, and it only feels a little bit hollow. “Would be a new experience for you,” she teases. “Having to find and make your own food.”

“Guilty as charged,” Drakon replies lightly. “At least for the finding part. Sinna did show me how to cook.”

“Really?” Miryam asks. “I’ve never seen you cook.”

“Well, I’ve never seen you cook, either, and since you managed to make it through half of the Continent on your own without starving, I assume you can at least prepare a meal,” Drakon points out. He grins, then adds, “I’m afraid I’m not very good at cooking, though.”

“I can teach you,” Miryam says, grinning, and for a moment, she can actually imagine the life they are making up. Peaceful. Content. Careless.

But then, the image of the burning pyre flashes through her mind. Slowly, her smile fades and she glances out at the dark forest surrounding them. “We could never,” she says softly. Sadly.

Even if Miryam could walk away now, even if she could leave it all behind, she knows, with more certainty than she knows anything else, that she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. She has responsibilities, promises she made, things she fights for that are far bigger than her own life. And Zeku was right – even if she managed to end slavery and free her people, she would never be able to step by. No matter how much she might wish for a quiet, peaceful life, she would never truly be content with it while there are people suffering and she knows she could help them.

Drakon sighs. “No,” he says. “We couldn’t.”

Miryam nods. Same as her, Drakon would never be able to leave the world behind to burn. And he would no sooner abandon his people than she would. He wouldn’t be the man she loves if he was so easily ready to shrug off his responsibilities.

“Promise that you’ll try,” Drakon says. “That you won’t just give up. Then…” He hesitates, and Miryam can almost see how he struggles with himself. Whatever he is about to say, he doesn’t like it. “Then I will go along with your plan,” he finally says. “Should it go badly.”

“That’s fair.” Miryam doesn’t know how she is supposed to try, or where she’s going to take the energy, but if it buys her a chance to actually survive this, it’s going to be worth it.

----

Tags: @croissantcitysucks @femtopulsed

[candychronicles]

fall festival // r. tanaka

A/N: this is my take on the autumn/fall themed Haikyuu HQ server collab! this is also my first time ever writing for HQ so of course it had to be for the absolute loml Tanaka!

CHARACTER PAIRING: Tanaka Ryuunosuke x Reader

WORD COUNT: 2,359 

WARNINGS: some mild angst, jealousy, crying

SYNOPSIS: what was supposed to be a fun day filled with apple picking and hayrides turned into a disaster. will anything ever get better?

Want to read more fall themed treats? Head on over to the masterlist!

the soft crunching of leaves underneath your feet could only barely be heard as you walked shyly next to Tanaka. wispy puffs of hot air left your mouth and curled up into the air, leaving a trail of smoke in your wake. he was talking animatedly next to Nishinoya, hands waving around in the air to emphasize his point, going as far as to jab his hands accidentally into the side of your head. you winced slightly, rubbing your now tender temple delicately, but he only muttered a mild apology before continuing to talk, yet the corners of your mouth still turned up in an amused smile, simply happy that he was happy.

it was only when you arrived at your destination did you break your quiet stupor, squealing and clapping your hands excitedly, even being as bold as to grab the bald headed boys hand in a gesture of elation as you raced towards the line. as quickly as you grasped him you let go, your confidence now gone as you settled back into a normal state of mind, but he seemed to pay no mind, only chuckling at your enthusiasm and motioning to Noya to join you two in line. 

“you’re quite excited, aren’t you?” came the teasing yet chipper voice of your short best friend.

“yeah, yeah. i just like fall, okay? this is supposed to be a fun day, so why wouldn’t i be excited?” you replied, sticking your tongue out at him and laughing.

Tanaka joined in on Noya’s teasing, placing his hand on your head and ruffling your hair. despite the familiar gesture, your cheeks still heated up in embarrassment and something else, which did not go unnoticed. Noya smirked knowingly at you, but you only shook your head at him before fixing your hair and swatting Tanaka affectionately on the arm, which he barely even noticed as his eyes were glued on the sight of a very pretty girl who was handling the tickets. immediately, your mood soured, and your eyes shifted down to the ground, scuffing along as the line quickly moved up.

“three all-pass tickets please,” you politely requested, exchanging money with a smile despite the knots of jealousy that tickled your stomach every time you looked at her doe-like eyes.

“wow, you think i should try to get her number later?” Tanaka asked breathlessly as he followed you into the farm festival, Noya responding with a joke, trying to lighten the tension that had settled from you.

“let’s go shopping and fruit picking last so we don’t have to carry our bags around everywhere. do you want to try the maze first or the hayride?” you cut in, not wanting to hear anymore about the girl but also not wanting to sound insensitive.

“the maze!” the boys replied in unison, racing off towards the front of the structure, leaving you to trail behind with a disappointed sigh, already not wanting to be here despite your excitement only moments before.

the maze took longer than you’d like to admit as the boys kept arguing on which way to go and kept getting everyone lost several times. finally, you took charge, grabbing them by their jackets and dragging them along until they were safely out on the other side.

“wow, we definitely would’ve been lost forever if it hadn’t been for you. thanks!” they choursed once again, nodding their heads animatedly before running off towards the hayride, leaving you yet again to follow after them.

you groaned in frustration when you realized it was the same pretty girl from earlier now on the hayride as the guide. she smiled widely when she noticed the three of you, greeting you all with a wide flourish of her arms, helping you up onto the trailer, hands lingering on Tanaka’s arm just a moment too long for it to be casual.

this is usually your favorite part of any festival: the rattling sound of the tractor, the gentle crisp breeze on your face, the scratchy hay underneath your body, the sights and smells of the orchard and farm, but instead your hands bundled into the straw beneath you so tight they left red scratches in your palms, teeth clenched as you listened to Tanaka and Noya flirt with the pretty girl the whole ride. her giggles rattled in your brain, a strong reminder that she was enjoying their company immensely. you resolved to simply watch the scenery roll by, body turned away from the boys, as you tried to enjoy the ride as best as possible.

you didn’t mean to fall in love with one of your best friends. you wished it never would’ve happened, but here you were, madly infatuated with Tanaka Ryuunosuke. it started off as an odd friendship, the pair approaching you one day for some help on math homework. after that, it became a comfortable situation, you often helping them with schoolwork, going to the occasional practice and of course any games you could. in exchange, they protected you from any and all harm, whether that was from an outside force or you beating yourself up on a bad day. little did you know one of them would be the one causing you harm after not too long. 

you realized you started falling for him during one of their practice matches back in high school. though that time was long gone, you now all in college, it felt like yesterday. seeing him so focused and dedicated during the game, you finally understood how much he did for you despite dedicating his whole being to the sport. it made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing how much he cared about you, more so than Noya at times. while Noya knew everything about you, Tanaka understood everything about you, was there for you always, no questions asked, and helped you through more than one hard situation. you didn’t know how to explain it, you just knew that he was the one for you.

“hey, you coming?” you heard Tanaka’s voice, hand outstretched as he motioned to the now stopped tractor.

you stood up, ignoring his offer for help, before jumping off the trailer, also ignoring the help of the girl that had managed to catch the attention, and the hearts, of both boys.

“let’s go pumpkin picking next?” you finally spoke, turning around with the best smile that you could muster.

“i think we’re going to stay here for a minute. catch up with you later?” Tanaka asked, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. 

before Noya had a chance to argue, you had already spun on your heels, walking towards the direction of the pumpkins, finding a secluded spot behind a tree and unceremoniously plopping down, letting yourself finally break as you cried for the first time that day. 

it was only a few minutes before someone spotted you, glancing around curiously before they approached you with a frown.

“hey, uh, not trying to bother you or anything, but are you okay?” the strange guy asked, crouching down to get level with your face.

you sniffled and rubbed your face against your sweater before looking up with glossy eyes, replying, “yeah, just boy drama. i’ll be fine, thank you for your concern.”

“do you want to be alone, or do you want some company? i’m here with a group of friends but they disappeared and i don’t really want to be alone. we could pick some pumpkins and apples, maybe browse the shops a bit? only if you want, i mean.”

you nodded your head in agreement before picking yourself up off the ground, exchanging names before laughing at the ludicracy of the situation. 

the next hour had been spent picking out the perfect pumpkin and a bushel of apples, chatting as if you had been friends forever. there was a comfortable feeling between the two of you, as if you had both shared something that was meant for no one else, something that only the two of you could understand with any real clarity. 

it was only when you were walking around the vendors, sniffing candles, taste testing pies, cookies and cakes, looking at all the various trinkets and decorations, that the day was ruined once again.

“hey punk, who do you think you are?” you heard the angry voice of Tanaka.

before he had a chance to cause any real damage, you stepped in front of your new friend, calmly explaining who he was.

“that doesn’t explain why he’s here doing everything with you that we were supposed to do with you,” he argued once more, stepping forward so that you were practically nose to nose, challenging you to step down.

however, for once in your life, you didn’t relent to his overprotective nature, instead choosing to jab him in the chest, angrily muttering at him.

“you were the one who ditched me for some girl that you didn’t even know. don’t get all high and mighty with me now. i was supposed to be doing this with you two but you guys were nowhere to be found and i wasn’t going to spend the last hour crying alone in the pumpkin patch.”

“you were crying?” he asked, but before you got a chance to respond, Noya came out from behind Tanaka and sprung a hug on you, holding tight and rocking back and forth.

“where have you been? Tanaka and I have been looking for you for almost an hour!”

“i-i thought you two were going to be talking to that girl for awhile so i went ahead and did everything with my new friend. why did you leave so soon?”

“we talked for awhile but she asked us to stay longer, specifically Tanaka, but he said he was with you and we left to go searching for you, only to find out that you had left with some guy. what the hell?”

“you guys are forgetting you ditched me first. you don’t really have a right to get mad at me,” you deadpanned, crossing your arms angrily as you eyed both of them.

before anything else could’ve been done, a group of people waved your way and you realized that your friend had found his group again.

“hey thanks for hanging but i’m going to go rejoin them now. you have my number, definitely text me if you ever want to hang!” he said with a smile before waving and racing over to join his circle again.

“like hell she’d ever hang out with you again!” Tanaka screeched after him, his forehead pulsing in anger.

“actually, i would. he was very nice and good company, something that i needed today.”

“pssh, what, you like him or something? going to go out on a date? like hell i’d let that happen.”

“i’m not a kid anymore Ryuu, you can’t tell me what to do. i can date who i’d like when i like. why would it matter to you, anyways?”

“i’m supposed to protect you, we both are. why would i let you get with some guy like that?”

“and who am i supposed to get with? someone like you? someone who flirts with every girl he lands his eyes on despite having someone right in front of him that’s loved him for years?” you challenged back, not even caring about outing yourself at this point, anger boiling in your chest, nostrils flared and eyes narrowed in disappointment.

when he didn’t respond, his own eyes wide and mouth gaping open like a fish out of water, did you scoff, turning your back and walking towards the next vendor, head shaking in disappointment. 

“man, what are you doing? this is your chance! the girl you’ve loved for years just confessed her feelings and you’re letting her walk away! what are you, an idiot?” Noya yelled, smacking Tanaka on the back of the head before pushing him towards you.

you felt a body collide with yours and you turned around to find Tanaka pressed against you. before you even had a chance to yell at him, his hands were on your face and lips were pressed against yours in a feverish and desperate dream.

“i thought you were joking or that i was delirious. i did not think i heard you right at all but Noya said i did so i just came out and kissed you without thinking about it. i hope you didn’t mind because i really want to do it again,” he said breathlessly against your lips, eyes still shut from the kiss.

you blinked owlishly at him, unsure of how to respond, before throwing all caution to the wind and pressing your lips against his once more, this time winding your arms around his neck, smiling into the kiss.

“so i wasn’t hearing things, huh? does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” he joked, finally pulling away to look at you, really look at you, eyes wide in surprise and adoration.

“no you dork. i’m surprised you didn’t figure out anything sooner. Noya can barely keep his mouth shut around you, teasing me like crazy. and of course i’ll be your girlfriend, i can’t believe you’d even ask after a kiss like that.”

“hey lovebirds, congrats! i’m glad you finally got together after what felt like a million years. please don’t make it awkward though, you two are my best friends and i’d hate for me to be the third wheel all the time,” Noya half-joked, walking up to you two and slapping you both on the backs.

you and Tanaka smiled devilishly at each other before each planting a big kiss on Noya’s cheek, laughing when his face lit up and he scrubbed furiously at the skin, muttering about how gross you both were and how he was going to get you back for that.

at that moment in time though, nothing else mattered. you had your best friends, one who was now your boyfriend, your pumpkins, and the crisp autumn air that carried the weight of the world off your shoulders and into the darkening night, never to be worried about again. 

[maybeimamuppet]

just a farewell

It’s very hot.

It’s the middle of July, and Janis is boiling even with her window open and a fan running full blast. She’s always hated summer. Cady, on the other hand, doesn’t seem bothered by the heat.

She does, however, seem very bothered by the other thing that the middle of July is bringing them. Janis is leaving for college in New York, and Cady is staying for her own in Illinois.

In September, when they first started applying for colleges, they weren’t even together. They were crushing hard on each other, but not dating. They didn’t even know what schools the other had applied to. By the time they started hearing things back, it was February and they had finally started dating.

They’d had a long discussion about how much they wanted their relationship to affect their decisions. They’d come to the mutual but rather upsetting agreement that, no matter how much they loathe the idea, there’s always a chance their relationship won’t last forever. Their educations would, and they both deserve the one that would be best for them.

So, Janis decided on an arts school in New York. Damian had actually chosen the same one, so they decided to rent an apartment in the city together. Damian is a performing arts major, and Janis decided to study art history and drawing, wanting to leave painting as her sacred art medium.

Cady’s application process was rather more involved, since she had been homeschooled for all but two years and her parents had never done any kind of credit system. She’d had to take placement exams instead of basing things off of her transcript. She’d chosen to go to the University of Illinois, and had managed to get herself in as a junior in credits as a mathematics major. Regina is majoring in psychology there as well, and they had recently learned they’re going to be roommates.

“I’m gonna take this down,” Cady says quietly as she grabs a box by the door, sneakily before it can be taped shut.

“Sure thing, Peanut. Thanks,” Janis says as she folds another shirt for the box she’s packing.

Cady carries her box down the stairs and out to Janis’ truck. She had snuck her Mathletes jacket over and hidden it from Janis. Cady tucks it safely in the box with a little love note and tapes it shut, then slides the box into the back of Janis’ truck bed. She can live without it for a few months.

-

Janis is worried.

Cady has been acting oddly all month. She barely speaks, and when she does her voice is soft and monotone. She’s been extra clingy, always needing some form of physical contact with Janis whenever they’re together and seeming to panic slightly when she’s not able to. And, Cady’s been having more nightmares, regularly waking up either screaming or sobbing in Janis’ arms.

But the worst part by far, the part that worries Janis the most: Cady hasn’t smiled in almost a week. No matter what Janis does, she won’t smile. Janis does understand. She’s dreading the idea of leaving her girlfriend, but she’s still worried about her.

She pushes the last box containing her bedsheets over by the door to be carried down later and flops down on her bare mattress. Cady comes back and scoots in next to her. It’s too hot to cuddle no matter how badly they both want to, so Cady settles for hooking their pinkies together.

“Hi, Kitkat,” Janis says, turning onto her side to see her.

“Hi.” Cady replies in a voice so sad that Janis wants to unpack everything and stay behind.

“What’s wrong?” Janis asks sadly. Cady turns to look at her as well, heaving a sigh as she does. Janis runs a hand through Cady’s newly chin-length curls. “You haven’t smiled in so long. What’s the matter?”

“You’re leaving,” Cady says quietly.

“I gathered that,” Janis chuckles weakly. “I get it. I don’t want to leave you either. But I’m worried about you. You barely even speak anymore, and you keep waking up crying. I miss your smile.”

“It’s stupid,” Cady mumbles. Janis sees her eyes watering and switches their grip to hold her whole hand, giving a gentle squeeze.

“Baby, no it’s not,” she chides. “If you’re this upset, nothing could be stupid. Just tell me what’s wrong, I don’t want to leave knowing you’re this sad.”

Cady takes a deep breath and inches herself a bit closer. “I’m... I’m scared,” she chokes. “When-when Aaron left for his school we didn’t even make it two months. I thought I was so in love with him, and then it all ended. And with Rhys, he left and he... he never came back. I’m scared I’ll never see you again.”

She dissolves into broken sobs by the time she finishes. Janis gives up on trying to keep cool and pulls her into a tight cuddle, desperately hushing her and trying to comfort her as best she can. She supposes she should have known Cady would have some sort of issue with abandonment. Two of the people she loved most in the world left her. One broke up with her and the other died. It all makes a bit more sense now.

“Oh, baby,” Janis hushes. “It’s not like that for us. Aaron was so far away, and you weren’t with him nearly as long. And Butterfly, Rhys was going to war when he had to leave you. I’m going to New York, I’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know that,” Cady sobs. “New York is dangerous! What if you get mugged?”

“If I get mugged then you’ll be the first to know since you’ll have to bail me out of jail for killing whoever tried me,” Janis says. “I know how to defend myself. I have pepper spray and a knife, and my mom made me take all those self defense classes with her, remember? I’m gonna be safe. Our apartment is in a good neighborhood and I’m not gonna go anywhere alone.”

Cady knows she’s being slightly irrational. Nobody would mess with Janis after looking twice at her, but she’s still scared. “What if you meet someone else? And like them more than me?”

Janis rolls over and pulls Cady to lie on top of her. “I don’t think that’s possible, Peanut. I love you so much. I’m more worried about you meeting some hot math dork and ditching me. Someone with, like, elbow patches on a turtleneck, you know?”

Cady doesn’t quite laugh, but Janis feels the slightest hint of a grin against her neck. Progress is progress. “I’m sorry.”

“Baby, no, you don’t need to be sorry. I’m... devastated, I don’t want to leave you here,” Janis says, choking back her own tears. “But we’re gonna be okay.”

Cady nods against her shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Butterfly. Come on, I have an idea,” Janis says, prying her girlfriend off her lap gently and tugging on the pair of shoes she left unpacked to wear on her drive to New York.

“Oh god,” Cady groans as she hauls herself upright and wipes the tears from her face. Janis’ ideas tend to be a little out there. Her last one involved stealing Damian’s old trombone and using it to piss off a bunch of local cows. She’d nearly gotten herself trampled and the trombone had not survived the incident.

“Not like the cows. Or the chickens,” Janis says quickly. “This one’s safe, I promise. Come on.”

Cady inches her feet back into her flip flops and takes Janis’ hand, following her to her mom’s car since her truck is full of all her stuff. Janis has truly mastered the art of driving one handed now, since Cady always asks to hold one.

Cady is confused when they pull up to a convenience store, but follows Janis in anyway. She’s even more confused when Janis makes a beeline for the stationary section, since they usually only stop by for snacks.

Janis looks carefully at all the calendars, before she grabs one with pictures of kittens for each month. “Pick one for me to have.” Cady looks too, picking one with different famous paintings for each month.  “Perfect.”

Janis takes both and heads to check out, leading a puzzled Cady behind her. Why are they buying calendars they can only use for a few more months?

“Do you want to go get frozen yogurt, baby?” Janis asks once they’re in the car again. Cady nods happily, excited at the idea of her favorite treat. Finally got her to smile.

—————-

Cady insists on paying for their yogurt, since she knows hers will be very expensive. She’s piled loads of popping boba, gummy worms, strawberries, and Oreos on top of her watermelon flavored frozen yogurt. Janis kept it simple with salted caramel yogurt topped with mini M&Ms.

Janis finds a bench nearby with an umbrella so they’re not in the sun. Cady sits and pulls Janis into her lap, resting her head on Janis’ shoulder as they both dig in.

“Do you want to try some of mine?” Cady asks after a few minutes, offering a spoonful to her girlfriend.

“Are you just offering because you want some of mine and you’re trying to make it fair?” Janis asks knowingly, but does take the offered bite.

“No,” Cady says sheepishly. “I’m just trying to be a good girlfriend.”

Janis chuckles around the strange mess of flavors in her mouth. “You don’t have to try to do that, Peanut. Here.” She offers Cady a bite of her own.

“Yours is good,” Cady says, finishing off her own. She winces a little at the tart flavor of the watermelon immediately after the sweetness of the caramel.

“Wanna taste it again?” Janis asks as she takes the last bite of her own.

“But you finished it,” Cady says in confusion.

“And?” Janis purrs, leaning in to kiss her and flicking her tongue against the seam of her lips. Cady gasps in understanding, so Janis takes the opportunity to brush their tongues together. After a few minutes, she breaks away. “Tastes even better this way.”

“You’re so smooth,” Cady jokes. “And sweaty, get off.”

Janis laughs and stands up, offering a hand to help Cady back up. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jay.” Cady says. The sadness is starting to come back.

“Come on, let’s go do my idea.”

————-

A few minutes later they’re back at Janis’ house, sitting on the bare floor of her bedroom. “What is this idea?”

Janis pulls out the calendars and her mom’s fancy felt-tip pens in all sorts of fun colors. She hands the paintings one to Cady and keeps the kitten one in front of her.

“You do better with visual reminders of stuff, right?” Janis asks as she picks out a dark yellow pen. Cady nods. “So, we’ll go through these and mark off when everything starts and when our breaks are, and when we’ll call each other. Then you can count off all the days until we’re together again.”

“Oh,” Cady says. “That is good.”

“I told you,” Janis teases, poking her knee with her foot. “Are you thinking of joining any clubs or anything that would meet on Saturday nights?”

“I don’t think so,” Cady says confusedly. “Why?”

“We could have video dates those days. My art club only meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I’d be free if you are,” Janis says. “We’ll still call and stuff during the week, obviously, but I think it would be good to have something scheduled.”

“That sounds good too,” Cady says. “You’re so thoughtful.”

“I try really hard,” Janis jokes, marking off every Saturday for the remaining weeks of July, along with all of August, September, and October. Janis had already made the tough decision not to come back during her fall break, so they wouldn’t be able to see each other until Thanksgiving.

Cady does the same to hers. “Now what?”

“Look up when your fall break is and mark that, and do Thanksgiving too. We’ll do something fun over Facetime on my fall break since I can’t come back,” Janis says. “And then when I’m back for Thanksgiving we’ll do this again for the next semester.”

Cady marks off her first day of classes, her fall break in October, and the start of her Thanksgiving break. Janis does the same, and makes a special mark on the day she’s flying home for Thanksgiving in November.

Cady adds cute little doodles on random days, with random ‘I love you’ reminders scattered throughout as well. Just to make Janis smile. Once they finish marking everything, they switch calendars. Janis tucks hers safely into the backpack she would be bringing on her road trip.

Cady reaches for her once they finish. Janis is leaving in just a few hours, she wants to squeeze in as many cuddles as she can before she has to go. Janis obliges, cuddling into her side and burying her face into her neck. Cady turns to face her and nuzzles her nose into her hair.

They cling to one another desperately until they both get too hot and uncomfortable to continue. Janis inches back and holds her hand instead, checking the time on her phone with the other.

“We should get to Damian’s soon,” she says quietly. “We need time to load up all of his stuff too.”

Cady pouts. Janis and Damian would be leaving directly from his house. She’d get her last kisses, hugs, and cuddles for several months there. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Janis switches out her keys, grabbing the ones for her truck and leaving the ones for her mom’s car behind. Her mom and sister would meet them at Damian’s house later to see them off, but she takes a second to look wistfully around at the house itself.

Cady clings to her hand as they walk through the yard, and snatches it back as soon as Janis gets into the driver’s seat. The smiles and getting her voice back seems to have been a temporary thing. Quiet Cady is back now, playing sadly with Janis’ rings.

-

Janis has a key to Damian’s house and can tell by the lack of car in the driveway that his mom isn’t home, so she unlocks it and throws the door open with a loud, “What’s up, fuckers?!”

Pippa, who was waiting behind the door at the sound of a key, scrambles to run to her owner in the living room for protection. Janis and Cady follow, Cady shaking her head in exasperation.

Pippa gets very excited when she sees Cady and runs back over, popping up on her hind legs to show she wants attention. Cady can barely smile even at the adorable antics of the puppy, but does bend down to pet her like always.

She carries Pippa down the hall to Damian’s bedroom, following her girlfriend and best friend. Damian has everything packed already, they just need to get the boxes into Janis’ truck.

Cady’s glad that Janis and Damian are going to the same place. As hard as it is for Janis to leave Cady, she knows having to leave Damian would have been much harder for her. She’s glad Janis and Damian have always had each other to lean on, and still get to be together.

Eventually the puppy cuddles have to take a temporary break, so she rests Pippa on Damian’s bed and grabs a box to carry out.

With the three of them working, the boxes are all where they need to be pretty quickly. Now they have about two and a half hours to kill before Janis and Damian have to hit the road.

“Should we have one last movie night?” Damian asks. Cady almost bursts into tears then, she had forgotten she’d be losing him for a while too. She nods, knowing that if she tries to speak she’s going to be completely inconsolable for the next several hours.

She sits in between both of them, trying to focus on Lilo and Stitch instead of the coming events. It just about works.

Unfortunately, the movie has to come to an end, along with their time together. Nobody speaks, but they all squish a little bit closer together.

“I love you guys,” Cady whispers, finally prompting the tears from all of them. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“We’re gonna miss you too, Little Slice,” Damian says.

Janis doesn’t say anything, just leans her head onto her girlfriend’s shoulder. She stays there for a second before she seems to remember something and leaves.

“Where are you going?” Cady asks through her tears.

“I have something for you, hold on,” Janis replies through her own. Cady cuddles more with Damian while she’s gone.

Janis comes back carrying a strangely shaped... something. “Here.”

Cady takes it and nearly drops it on her toes. “What is it?”

“It’s a weighted thing, I made it from one of my jackets,” Janis sniffs. “To help you when you get overloaded. Or just when you want cuddles.”

Upon closer inspection, it is made out of one of Janis’ decorated jackets. “This was your favorite one, why would you do that?”

“It had a rip in it anyway, there was no way I could get it back,” Janis says.

Cady squeezes it close. It smells like Janis, and her girlfriend left the sleeves on and filled them with whatever she used to weigh the body down, to simulate a hug. “I love it. Thank you, Jayjay.”

“Of course,” Janis says quietly. Damian leaves then as well, and returns with his own signature blue jacket.

“Here, you can have this too,” he chokes. Cady takes it gratefully and hugs both her new gifts close.

“Thanks, D,” she says.

Janis and Damian’s families show up in the midst of a very long, tearful goodbye hug. It’s time to go.

Cady squeezes them quickly and lets them go to their families, knowing she’ll get one last chance to say goodbye before they actually have to go. The tears keep streaming down her face as she watches Janis and Juliana say their goodbyes. Janis’ mom even brought Pancakes, and that goodbye is even more sad.

Eventually, they all head out into the yard. Janis and Cady have a moment to themselves as Damian says goodbye to his mom and Janis’ family.

Cady throws herself at her girlfriend and refuses to let go as Janis picks her up. She locks her legs around her waist and arms around her neck as they both sob quietly into each other’s shoulders.

“I don’t want you to go,” Cady weeps quietly.

“I know,” Janis murmurs back. “I don’t want to go either.”

“I love you so much,” Cady sobs. “I’m so proud of you. You’re gonna do great.”

“So are you,” Janis says, resting her back on her feet and cupping her face. “I love you so much.”

“We’re gonna be fine,” Cady says, seemingly more to comfort herself than Janis. “You’ll come back.”

“Always. I’ll always come back to you. In November,” Janis chokes in response. “I promise.”

“Will you text me or call me when you’re not driving?” Cady asks, cuddling into her shoulder again.

“Of course,” Janis sniffs. “I’ll keep you updated.”

“Okay,” Cady sobs in reply. “This is the worst, I hate goodbyes.”

“I know, I hate this too,” Janis sobs. “Come here.”

They both lean in for a kiss, trying to convey all their love and sorrow through it. Their tears mingle on their cheeks, and they can both taste the salt on one another’s lips. Every once in a while one pulls back to choke out another sob, but the other pulls them back in quickly.

Eventually they do have to break apart to breathe again. Cady murmurs ‘I love you’ in every language she knows. Damian calls Janis over then, they really do have to get going.

“I love you, Bluejay,” Cady says, kissing her one last time.

“I love you too, Butterfly,” Janis says back. “Good-“

“No. Don’t-don’t say that,” Cady insists. “This time it really isn’t a goodbye. You’re coming back. This is a farewell.”

“Okay. Farewell, Cady Heron,” Janis says as she climbs into the passenger side. She and Damian had decided that he would drive first. Janis knew she would probably be crying too hard to drive safely.

“Farewell, Janis Sarkisian,” Cady says, kissing her cheek through the window before she steps back to stand by their families.

Juliana clings to Cady as Damian and Janis drive off. Cady clings to her just as tightly, both of them crying into each other. Everyone waves at the truck until it’s out of sight.

-

Cady spends the rest of the day with their families, wanting their company to distract herself from her feelings. She plays Just Dance and a few card games with Juliana to keep them both busy.

A few hours after they’ve left, Cady’s phone pings with a text from Janis. It’s a very blurry picture of the sign marking the border to Indiana.

“Is that them?” Julie asks.

“Mmhmm. They’re in Indiana now,” Cady says, turning the phone so she can see the picture. “Janis says she’s taking over driving, but she’ll let us know when they stop again.”

“How far away is your school?” Julie asks quietly.

“Only about two hours, it’s in Champaign,” Cady answers, replying to Janis’ message before she deals a new hand for their game. “Why?”

“You can come back more often,” Julie says. “I don’t want to be alone, now that Janny’s gone.”

Cady almost starts crying again. “Of course. Your mom got you a phone, right?”

“Uhhuh,” Julie says, digging into her pocket and pulling it out. Cady takes it and enters her contact information.

“There. If something happens or you get lonely just tell me and I’ll come back,” Cady promises. “Do you have Janis and Damian’s numbers too?”

Julie nods. “Thanks, Cady.”

Cady grins at her. “No problem, kiddo.”

————-

Cady stays with their families until sunset, when her parents tell her she needs to come home. Janis has continually texted her throughout the day, sending pictures of cute birds she finds at rest stops or strange things she sees out the windows.

Cady is about to turn in for the night when her phone pings one last time.

bluejay: caddy caddy

butterfly: What what?

bluejay: oh we made it to my family’s place btw we’re about halfway thru ohio

bluejay: but vera and her friends took us around to see stuff and there’s a massive field of fucking concrete corn

butterfly: What?

bluejay: Sent a picture: ive never been more afraid in my life

butterfly: That’s so weird, why couldn’t they just have actual corn there?

bluejay: i don’t know!!!! i’m scared i’m gonna get murked here but vera says ppl take prom pics with them and shit

butterfly: How tall are they?

bluejay: i think they’re about six feet they’re not that much taller than me

butterfly: Huh. How weird.

bluejay: ikr

bluejay: what are you up to babes ?

butterfly: Sent a picture: Sleepy 📷️

bluejay: aww. i miss you so much already baby

butterfly: I miss you so much, love. I have my cuddle thing you made me and I just crossed off my calendar for the day 📷📷

bluejay: oh i’ll go do that once vera finds her gfs

bluejay: goodnight peanut i love you

butterfly: Goodnight, Jayjay, I love you too

Cady shuts off her phone and plugs it in, turning onto her side and staring at the calendar she pinned to the wall. She tries to look at the cute kittens in party hats and not the word ‘JULY’ in large letters, taunting her just below it. She buries her face into the cushion, inhaling Janis’ lingering scent, and gently cries herself to sleep.

————-

Very late the next evening, she gets a text from Janis letting her know they’ve made it safely to their apartment in New York, and they’re going to get to work unpacking everything the next morning.

With the new time difference, Janis is an hour ahead of her, so they wake up at roughly the same time, now. Janis texts her around ten Cady’s time to ask if she wants to Facetime while she gets started unpacking.

Cady, obviously, agrees immediately. A call from Janis comes through, and Cady hits the green button to accept it.

“Hey, love,” she greets. “How’s the big apple?”

“Big,” Janis responds. “Here, look.” Cady can see her shuffle out of her new bed and over to the window, and then the camera flips around to show off Janis’ view.

“Wow,” Cady says. “That’s beautiful.”

“I think my view is more beautiful,” Janis flirts. “I miss you.”

“I miss you,” Cady responds sadly. “But hey, we’re already two and a half days down until we’re back together!”

“Look at you, little miss optimist,” Janis chuckles. “What are you up to?”

“Art, kind of, actually,” Cady says happily. “I got all my stuff for school yesterday, I’m decorating my notebooks.”

“Lemme see,” Janis says excitedly, sitting on her floor and opening a box. Cady flips around her own camera to show the lion she’s painting onto the cover of her yellow notebook. “Cute! I like it.”

They continue to chat lightly as they both work, and it almost feels like they’re back together again. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Cady hears a quiet gasp as Janis opens another box.

“Baby,” she says quietly. “You gave me your jacket?”

“Yeah,” Cady says shyly. “I wanted you to have something physical of mine. Turns out we had similar ideas.” She watches Janis read the little note she hid inside and the smile grow on her face.

“Thank you, Butterfly,” Janis says. She wraps the soft blue and yellow fabric around her shoulders and continues unpacking the rest of her clothes.

“You’re welcome, Bluejay,” Cady replies. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Peanut,” Janis says.

—————

About a month later, Cady is officially moved into her dorm and ready for her first day of classes. Janis doesn’t start her own until Wednesday, so she still has time to get everything ready.

On Monday morning, Cady wakes up to a text from her girlfriend. It’s eight in the morning her time, so Janis must have woken up extra early just to say hi.

bluejay: good luck at class butterfly. have a great first day 📷📷

butterfly: Thanks, Jellybean. I love you 📷️📷️

bluejay: i love you more. tell me all about it when you get back go be smart

Cady sends back a thumbs up and kissy emoji, then shuts her phone off and heads down to the bathrooms to get ready.

-

On Wednesday, she does the same for Janis. Janis’ classes are all in the afternoon, but Cady sends her a sweet text at around eleven to wish her luck.

butterfly: Good luck today, my love. You’re gonna do brilliant things and I can’t wait to see them 📷

Janis sends back a picture of her making a peace sign but with her eyes brimming with tears. Cady replies to that with a picture of her making a kissy face and an apology for making her cry, and they text back and forth while Janis gets ready and Cady has her lunch.

-

On Saturday, they have their first date over video chat. Cady puts on a nicer outfit even though she’s just sitting at her desk in her dorm. Regina is away at a party for the night, so she’s got privacy to talk to her love.

At the agreed time (which Cady had spent a very long time confirming Janis knew, even with the time difference), she opens her laptop and brings up Facetime, shuffling her short hair as she sends the call through. Her eyebrows shoot up as her girlfriend comes into view. The formerly blonde ends of her hair are…

“Blue! I mean, hi!” She says, pointing to the screen before she remembers that Janis can’t see what she’s pointing to.

Janis laughs at her reaction. “Hey, Peanut. I got bored and bought a bunch of colors of temporary dye, Damian helped me do it. What do you think?”

“It looks really good,” Cady says. Janis notices her brow furrowing and her lips going into a thin line.

“You wanna touch it, don’t you?” She asks. Cady nods crankily. “Soon. I’ll dye it blue again when I come back.”

“How long does it last?” Cady asks. “It really suits you.”

“Only about a week, it’s kind of like paint. I’m glad you like it,” Janis replies. “Anyway, how was your first week?”

“Good! My classes are actually a bit easier than I was expecting,” Cady chirps happily. “And my professors are really nice. It’s just kind of hard to remember where everything is, still. How has yours been?”

“Not bad,” Janis shrugs. “School is fine, but I miss you. Damian and I have been walking around to get used to the city, and I keep finding places you’d love and then I remember you’re so far away and I can’t actually take you there.”

Cady frowns. “Maybe I’ll have to come to you a few times, then you can show me around.”

Janis grins back. “Yeah, that would be great. Honestly, I think you’d really like it in the city. It’s big and kind of overwhelming, but once you’re used to it it’s just like you’re in your own little pocket. And then you travel to other pockets.”

“It does sound fun,” Cady giggles. “Has your art club started yet?”

“No, it’s not ‘til next week,” Janis says. “But a bunch of people in it are in my classes too, so I got to meet some of them. They all seem chill, I’m excited.”

“Good,” Cady smiles. “I’m glad.”

“How’s having Reginald for a roommate been treating you?” Janis asks. “I see a lot of pink already.”

“Yeah, trying to mesh us is a little tricky,” Cady giggles. “A lot of pink and then a lot of my tribal patterns from Africa. But really, she’s actually been a good roommate so far. She doesn’t even complain about my nightlight thingy you got me.”

“Good,” Janis grins. “God, I miss you so much. I want snuggles.”

“I miss you too,” Cady says. “But it’s August now! We made it a whole month already, now we just have… a few more to get through.”

“I’m really glad you’re an optimist, babe,” Janis chuckles. “I love you.”

Cady leans in to kiss her laptop camera, and once Janis catches on she does the same. “I love you too.”

————-

In October, Cady makes special plans for Janis’ birthday. She switched her location to the city to order some sushi for Janis’ dinner to their apartment, and sent a bit of money to Damian for streamers. It’s a Thursday, so Janis has her art club and won’t be home until late.

She gets to talk to Damian while he sets everything up, happy to catch up with her best friend. He’s just blowing up the final balloon when Janis enters. Cady quickly dons the party hat she purchased and grabs her party popper.

“Aww, Dame,” Janis says happily, not having noticed Cady on the screen yet. “Cute.”

“Wasn’t me,” Damian shrugs, slightly out of breath from blowing up all the balloons himself.

“You’re the only one here,” Janis says confusedly. “Ooh, sushi, yay!”

“That definitely wasn’t me,” Damian says. “For fucks sake, get over here.”

“What?” Janis asks around a mouthful of salmon maki roll, coming to sit by him on their crappy little couch. “Oh!”

Cady pulls the string on her party popper, making a louder bang than she was expecting and causing her to yelp as the confetti all rains down on her. “Happy birthday, love!”

Janis laughs. “Thanks, Peanut! Did you do all this?”

“Uhhuh! I hope that sushi place is good, it had the best reviews,” Cady says. “Thanks for the help, D.”

“Anytime,” Damian says. “Cads, do you have your stuff?”

“Yep!” Cady chirps, grabbing her favorite blanket and a bowl of popcorn, climbing up to her top bunk in her bed.

“What’s going on?” Janis asks in confusion, around yet another mouthful of sushi.

“We’re having a movie night! Damian and I figured out how to do it,” Cady says happily. “You get to pick the movie, birthday girl.”

“Can I pick a horror movie?” Janis asks. It’s already a bit late, and Cady typically needs a minimum of one happy movie after any scary one to be able to sleep. Janis usually has to cuddle her, too, but she can’t exactly do that from a different state.

“Sure,” Cady replies anxiously. Maybe Regina will let her sleep in her bunk. Almost definitely not, but maybe. “I’ll deal with it.”

“Compromise, I wanna watch Coraline,” Janis says. “That’s… almost a horror movie but not quite.”

“Okay,” Damian chuckles. He pulls it up and shares the screen with Cady. It’s nowhere near as good as their real movie nights, but it’s better than nothing. They still get to stay up way too late on a school night and eat more popcorn than should ever be consumed in one sitting.

Cady is thoroughly spooked by the time they all have to hang up, but Regina offers a mug of her favorite calming tea to help her sleep and begrudgingly agrees to tuck her in. Cady drifts off clinging to her homemade cuddle buddy and wrapped tightly in her blankets.

————-

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, Cady gets a very late night text from Janis.

bluejay: peanut

bluejay: i’m really sorry

Cady instantly replies, trying not to panic.

butterfly: What’s the matter?

bluejay: i can’t come home for thanksgiving

bluejay: the airline just canceled our tickets out of nowhere and they don’t have any other replacements. everywhere else is booked too

butterfly: No

butterfly: You said Thanksgiving. You have to come back

bluejay: i know

bluejay: i can’t change it i’m sorry. dame and i looked everywhere

butterfly: Look again

butterfly: Please Jay

bluejay: okay i’ll check one more time

Janis checks every single airline for any available ticket. Everywhere is booked until after her break.

bluejay: i’m sorry baby there’s literally nothing

bluejay: i miss you so much i want to come back and see you

bluejay: baby ??

Cady’s been crying too hard to see her keyboard.

butterfly: You promosed

Cady never makes typos. Janis brings up her contact and calls her immediately, frowning when Cady declines.

bluejay: baby please

bluejay: i don’t have any control over this

bluejay: you know i’d walk back if i could

bluejay: baby please at least answer me

Janis suddenly gets a text from Regina, of all people.

reginald: What the hell have you done?

reginald: Cady’s, like, losing it. I think she’s having a shutdown.

snarkisian: my flight home got cancelled

snarkisian: is she okay ??? she won’t answer me

reginald: I think she’s too upset to notice you’re trying to get ahold of her. She’s crying really hard. And she won’t come out from under her blanket.

snarkisian: god caddy

snarkisian: can you ask her quietly if she’d be able to talk to me if you answered the phone ?? she’s probably too upset to move but i might be able to help her calm down

reginald: She said yes. Or nodded, at least. I would help but I don’t know what to do, I’ve never seen her like this.

snarkisian: i haven’t either but she told me what helps her. i’ve only seen her have a meltdown

snarkisian: just watch what i do ig

She pulls up Cady’s contact again, and this time there’s an answer. It’s Regina’s concerned face, but she quickly sticks the phone into Cady’s little blanket cave so Janis can see her instead.

“Hey, Butterfly,” Janis says sadly when she sees Cady’s face. She’s stimming aggressively but very slowly, and even in the darkness Janis can see the tear tracks on her face. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I want to come back. So bad, I miss you. I want to hold you and kiss you and never let go.”

Cady sobs a few times, hard. She gasps for breath in between each. Janis notices she’s getting more upset and stimming harder, wringing her hands back and forth. Her skin is turning white with each twist.

“Do you have your weighted blanket?” Janis asks. Cady manages to shake her head. “Would it help?” She nods. “Okay. Reggie?”

“Yeah?” Regina calls from outside their little cocoon.

“There should be a weighted blanket wherever she keeps her clothes. It’s blue and has little flowers on it, can you give that to her?” Janis asks. Cady flinches at the volume of their voices and covers her ears.

“I’ll try,” Regina says. It might mean sleeping on a heating pad due to an aggravated back, but if it helps her friend, it’s worth it. Huh, maybe I really am a decent person now.

She finds a blanket that matches the description tucked in the bottom drawer of Cady’s dresser. With a good deal of effort, she hauls it out and hefts it up onto Cady’s bunk. Cady pokes her red, teary face out from her other blanket and grabs the weighted one, wrapping it around herself like a cloak. Janis can see her breathe a little sigh of relief at the pressure.

“Where’s your thing I made you?” Janis asks quietly again. Cady pokes an arm out to grab her cuddle buddy, resting it on her lap. The extra weight helps even more. “Deep breaths, Peanut.”

Cady nods and listens, taking some deep breaths in and out between her sobs. Regina helps by dimming the lights in their room and turning on Cady’s nightlight that paints colorful stars on the ceiling. Cady said that she just kind of has to wait shutdowns out, and that she almost never gets them anymore. Janis feels terrible that she caused one, even inadvertently.

She stays on the phone and Regina waits nearby anxiously until Cady sort of recovers nearly an hour later. She’s stopped crying and her stimming has picked up speed again.

“Are you okay, baby?” Janis asks quietly. Cady shakes her head. “I know. Are you feeling a little better, at least?” Cady nods. “Good. I’m so sorry, Butterfly.”

“‘S not your fault,” Cady chokes. “‘’M sorry.”

“No, Peanut, don’t be sorry,” Janis says. “I’m sorry this happened. Reggie, she has a calendar on her desk, can you grab that?”

Regina does, passing it and a pen to Cady in silence and climbing back into her own bed. She’s still within earshot, but she would very much like to go back to bed now that her roommate is okay.

Cady flips to November and aggressively scratches out the week of Thanksgiving. Stupid airlines.

“I’ll book my tickets home for Christmas now, you can mark those off instead,” Janis says. Cady watches her eyes shift as she browses the available flights home. “There. I’ll be back on the fifteenth.”

Janis actually booked a flight for the tenth. Her break is remarkably long, luckily for her. Maybe she’ll surprise Cady. She watches Cady take her pen and mark off December fifteenth with a sad grin.

“Okay. I love you,” Cady says quietly once it’s been done.

“I love you too, Peanut,” Janis says. She leans in for a camera kiss, and Cady does the same. “Call me every day of your break so we can still talk, okay? I can’t wait to see you.”

Cady nods slowly, lethargic from her shutdown. “It’s late, go to bed.”

“You go to bed,” Janis retaliates childishly.

“I’m in bed,” Cady replies, holding the phone to show her nest on her bunk.

“Ugh, you know what I mean,” Janis groans with a chuckle. “Goodnight, Butterfly.”

“Night, love. Sleep well,” Cady says, nestling into bed and leaning in for one more camera kiss.

“You too,” Janis replies, returning it. One more month.

————-

The next morning, Janis texts Regina. Her help will be vital if she wants to make Cady’s surprise actually good.

snarkisian: reggieeeeeeeeeeeeeee

reginald: Christ. What do you want, Jan?

snarkisian: for u to stop using proper punctuation and capitalization in text first of all

snarkisian: but i lied to caddy i’m actually coming back on the tenth

snarkisian: can u help me surprise her ????

reginald: Lord, it never ends with you two.

snarkisian: stahp

snarkisian: just try. end ur next one without a period. i bet u can’t

reginald: I hate you

snarkisian: eyyy

reginald: Are we surprising your girlfriend or not?

snarkisian: oh yeah oops

snarkisian: all i should need is a way into ur dorm. i can get an uber there from the airport

reginald: I’ll pay for it. What time are you coming in?

snarkisian: OWO reggie being nice ???

snarkisian: i should land around one your time so i’ll be there a bit after that

reginald: I do actually care about you two, against my better judgement. I’ll come back between classes and let you in. Her last class that day ends at three.

snarkisian: tits thanks reggie

snarkisian: love u

reginald: Ugh.

Janis grins at her phone as Regina ends their conversation. She never thought she’d have banter like that with her again. Time to plan.

—————-

Janis writes out a note as she sits next to Damian on the plane. He fell asleep almost immediately after they took off, but Janis knows he’s also very excited to see Cady and their families.

Janis picks her pen back up and continues writing after a quick glance at his snoring face.

Dear Butterfly,

Hi, baby. I miss you so much, I can’t wait to see you again. I’ve missed holding you and getting all your kisses and cuddles. I miss trying to count your freckles and seeing your beautiful eyes up close. Cameras and jackets can only do so much, I guess.

I’ll be back before you know it and won’t have to let you go until January. I can’t wait. I’ll see you soon, Peanut.

Love, Jayjay

P.S. Turn around ;)

That should do it. A bit short, but it’ll get her message across well enough. She only has a couple more hours until she’s reunited with her love.

——————-

She bids Damian a farewell as they get their bags. He’s going directly back to Evanston, but Janis is sneakily staying in Cady and Regina’s room until their own break begins and then heading back with the two of them. They’re breaking a few campus rules, but nobody should have to know.

Regina meets her outside their dorm, which had taken Janis absolutely forever to find. She’d eventually had to stop and ask someone after Googling the name of it no fewer than seven times.

“Hey, art freak,” Regina greets, swiping her ID card to get into the building. Janis comes shuffling up in all her snow gear and lugging her suitcase behind her.

“Hey, Reginald,” Janis replies.

“Is that seriously still your contact name for me? You’ve had that since sixth grade,” Regina grumbles.

“You know it,” Janis says as they get into the rickety elevator. “I don’t like this.”

“It’s a little scary the first few times. You get used to it,” Regina shrugs. “Hasn’t fallen yet.”

“Oh, that fills me with so much confidence,” Janis grumbles under her breath.

“See? You survived,” Regina says. “This is it.” She pulls out a key and sticks it in the door, opening to a small room. Bunk beds, two desks, two dressers. That’s about it, but it’s been personalized with Cady and Regina’s own styles. It’s cute.

“Aww. Cute,” Janis grins. Cady has a bulletin board hung up over her desk, with her calendar and so many photos of all her friends and family pinned to it. The fifteenth has been decorated with several tiny hearts and exclamation points. Janis is also on the bulletin board most frequently, with Damian as a close second.

“Can I trust you alone here? I have a late class,” Regina says, grabbing her backpack and heading back towards the door. “Cady’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Yes, I can be trusted,” Janis groans. “Thanks, Reggie.”

“Stop calling me that!” Regina yells, already down the hall.

“Never!” Janis calls back. The door clicks shut after Regina, so Janis sets herself up for the surprise. She takes off her coat, sticking it and her suitcase under the bed and out of sight. It takes a bit of pushing, but eventually she makes it fit.

Then, she folds up the note she wrote and writes ‘Caddy’ on it with a heart and puts it on Cady’s desk for her to find, before deciding to hide in the nearby tiny storage closet. Regina said it would only be a few minutes, she can make it that long.

-

Janis grins widely as she hears her girlfriend in the hallway, trying not to make any noise from her hiding spot.

She peeks through the gap as Cady enters and takes off her coat. Cady suddenly notices the note on her desk. While she’s occupied reading it, Janis takes the time to step out and stand behind her. Cady reads the end and whirls around.

“Janis!” She yells, running to her and pitching herself into her arms. Janis stumbles back when her girlfriend rockets into her, but recovers quickly and holds her close. “What are you doing here? I thought you couldn’t come back until next week!”

“I wanted to surprise you,” Janis chuckles. She hears Cady sniffle and feels tears soak into her shoulder. “Why are you crying?”

“I missed you so much,” Cady sobs. “You’re so much better than a pillow.”

“Aww, Peanut,” Janis coos. Her arms are getting a little tired, so she goes to sit on the bed. Regina technically has the bottom bunk, but she doesn’t have to know. Cady refuses to let her go, actually locking tighter around her now that they’re seated. “I missed you so, so much.”

Cady pulls back but doesn’t unlock herself, wiping her tears away and cupping Janis’ face. She stares intently at her and brushes her thumbs over her cheeks so softly.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispers. Suddenly she whacks Janis’ arm gently. “You stinker! You tricked me!”

“To surprise you, ow!” Janis laughs. “You seemed so sad, I figured this might cheer you up.”

“I haven’t seen you in five months, of course I’ve been sad,” Cady says quietly. “You’ve been here for so long and haven’t kissed me yet.”

Janis grins and pulls her in, tangling a hand in Cady’s hair and gripping her waist with the other. Cady runs her hands up and down Janis’ back before eventually settling on her shoulders. They both sigh in relief at the warmth of each other, finally feeling each other’s grip and the soft texture of one another’s lips.

“So much better than kissing a camera,” Janis mumbles happily.

“Definitely,” Cady giggles. “How long are you here?”

“I have to go back on the fourth, my classes start again on the sixth,” Janis shrugs. “We have almost a full month together.”

“Yay,” Cady says happily. “Does your family know you’re back?”

“No, I’m staying here until you guys go back. But they might find out before then, Dame already went back,” Janis shrugs.

“You criminal,” Cady gasps jokingly. “Staying here against the rules, how dare.”

“I know, it’s terribly scandalous,” Janis chuckles. She starts poking random places on Cady’s face gently, then follows them with kisses.

“What are you doing?” Cady giggles.

“Your freckles,” Janis says between little pecks. “I’m trying to memorize where they are, they don’t show up as well on camera.”

“Mm,” Cady hums in understanding. “Tickles.”

“Sorry,” Janis breathes. “What should we do?”

Cady pulls back and hauls Janis up with her, then crawls up onto her own bed. Janis comes up after her, having to be careful of bonking her head against the ceiling.

“Snuggles. Right now,” Cady demands, getting comfy on her side and reaching for her.

“Bossy,” Janis snorts, but obliges without complaint. She tucks herself against Cady’s chest and pulls herself closer. “This is a nice sweater.”

“Thanks, I just bought it the other day,” Cady chuckles in response. “Your hair is blue again.”

“I know, what do you think?” Janis asks, shaking it out gently so Cady can feel. “I had it green last week, I had to dye it back for you.”

Cady sticks her hands into it and fiddles with the ends happily. “It’s so soft!”

“Thanks,” Janis giggles at her reaction. “It’s basically colored conditioner, so it’s been doing me a lot of favors.”

Cady cuddles back in, but doesn’t take her hands out of her hair. “Do you have purple?”

“Yeah, I do,” Janis replies. “I’ll do that one next week, you wanna help?” Cady nods eagerly. “And your hair grew, you look cute.”

“Thanks!” Cady chirps happily. Her hair has grown out to her shoulders now, and is still as curly as ever. “God, I’m so happy you’re here.”

“I am too,” Janis grins. Cady squeals in surprise as she rolls over onto her back and pulls Cady on top of her. “How’s my math genius been doing here?”

Cady smiles against her neck. “As good as I can without you. I think I’m most of my professors’ favorite student. Oh, and I had a meeting with my advisor the other day, and they said I’m still on track to graduate after next year.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Janis grins happily, running her fingers through Cady’s curls. She still uses the cherry shampoo. “I’m surprised your head hasn’t exploded yet. How do you have room for all those brains?”

Cady chuckles again and leans up on her elbows. “You’re one to talk. So many art techniques rattling around in there.”

“And very little else,” Janis replies. Cady flicks her ear gently.

“You’re brilliant, shush your face,” she frowns.

“Make me,” Janis teases.

“Happily,” Cady smirks, leaning down to press their lips together again.

————-

On Christmas Eve, Cady sneaks out of her house and over to Janis’. She left her parents a note and sets an alarm so she can be back in time for presents anyway.

Janis doesn’t have a tree she can climb, so she picks up all the little pebbles she finds on the way to pitch at her window instead. Cady could just text to wake her up, but this is more romantic.

It only takes four rocks for Janis’ face to appear in the window, bleary eyes looking out into the yard to see who’s out there. She grins happily when she sees Cady and disappears suddenly to go let her in.

“What are you doing here?” She murmurs when she has her back in her arms.

“It’s Christmas,” Cady shrugs. “Or nearly, anyway. All I want is to be with you, and you’re close enough now that I can.”

“No, I appreciate that,” Janis replies, scooping her up and carrying her inside. “But it’s, like, ten degrees outside and you’re just in your pajamas and you also walked over here alone at night.”

“You don’t live that far,” Cady shrugs, but now that Janis brings it up she is absolutely freezing.

“It’s a ten minute walk, Butterfly,” Janis chuckles. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Cady yawns when Janis carries her past the stairs and down the hall.

“I can feel you shivering, let’s go have hot chocolate,” Janis responds, shifting her grip and then resting her on the counter.

“Oh,” Cady says happily. “Okay.”

Janis pours some milk into mugs and puts them in the microwave, then returns to her girlfriend. Cady grins as Janis cups her face and leans in, wrapping her legs around Janis’ waist and pulling her closer. They lose themselves in the bliss of one another, in kiss after kiss.

Until the microwave beeps and Janis has to scramble to stop it before it wakes up her family. She manages after just two beeps, Cady giggling quietly from her perch on the counter as she removes the warm mugs and adds in the cocoa, then a touch of cinnamon and some marshmallows. She puts crushed candy canes in her own, leaving Cady’s plain since she hates mint.

“Thank you, my love,” Cady says when Janis passes hers over, cradling the toasty drink in both hands and taking a small sip. It almost burns her tongue, but she’s so cold from her journey over that it actually feels nice. Janis pops up on the counter next to her and leans her head on her shoulder.

Cady laces their fingers together and leans her head against Janis’ with a few gentle kisses to her hair. They both take small sips of their tasty drinks, feeling the peace of the holiday as they’re alone together in a dark kitchen in the middle of the night.

“Merry Christmas, Peanut,” Janis murmurs when the clock on the stove hits midnight.

“Merry Christmas, Jayjay,” Cady mutters back. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Janis says, finishing off her cocoa. Cady downs the rest of hers and hands her mug over, then clings to Janis as she comes to scoop her back off the counter.

“Surprised you made it up this late,” Janis murmurs. “Midnight’s impressive for you.”

“I know,” Cady yawns. “You make good hot chocolate. ‘M sleepy.”

“Thank you,” Janis chuckles. She rests Cady on her bed and crawls in after her, grinning happily when her girlfriend latches back onto her like an adorable octopus. “Goodnight, Butterfly.”

“Night night, Bluejay,” Cady mumbles back, drifting off almost immediately in her girlfriend’s warm embrace.

————-

The next afternoon, they meet at Cady’s house to do their gift exchange with Damian. Janis had driven Cady back home in the wee hours of the morning, so their families were none the wiser that they had spent the night together.

Damian opens his presents first, getting a signed Cabaret playbill from Janis and several new pairs of fun socks for his collection from Cady.

Janis goes next. Damian got her some new jackets to customize (to make up for the one sacrificed to make Cady’s special cuddle cushion). Cady’s gift is smaller, and Janis opens a fancy box to reveal a charm bracelet.

It’s mostly empty, but there’s one fancy-looking gem and one half of a heart, similar to the split necklaces she has with Damian.

“I know it’s not really your style,” Cady says nervously. “But I figured you could fill it up however you want. And you don’t have to wear it. I have the other heart charm, I just have to find something to put it on.”

“I’ll wear it forever, back off,” Janis says protectively, fastening it around her wrist. “I love it.”

“Oh, good,” Cady breathes. It’s finally her turn to open her own presents. Damian surprises her with her plane ticket to New York to stay with them for spring break. “No way!”

“You said you wanted to come see New York,” Janis responds with a giggle as Cady tackles Damian in a hug. He hugs her tightly for a while before letting her go to open her present from Janis.

Once again, it seems that Janis and Cady have had similar ideas. “Chains?” Cady asks confusedly.

“For your necklace,” Janis replies. “For Rhys. You can try them all and figure out which ones you can handle, there’s a bunch of different ones. And if none of them work then I’ll take you to the shop when you come visit us and you can pick some to try.”

Cady has two very important necklaces that she can’t wear due to the chains. One is a locket containing some of her brother’s ashes, and the other is a charm with his thumbprint etched into it. Janis figured she can move both charms to one chain once they figure out which one she can use.

Janis frowns in concern when she sees her girlfriend’s eyes brimming with tears, but Cady just rockets herself into her arms and kisses her neck a few times.

“Thank you,” she chokes softly. “So much.”

“Of course, baby. I know how bad you want to wear them, we’ll figure out a way for you to,” Janis murmurs in reply, holding her close.

Cady reaches for Damian too, so he comes over and squishes both of them in a tight hug.

“Merry Christmas,” Cady says quietly.

“Merry Christmas!” Damian cheers. “I love you guys.”

“Oh! That reminds me!” Cady says suddenly, wiggling her way out of the cuddle and running to turn the lights off. They’re illuminated only by the lights on the tree until Cady grabs her phone and turns on the flashlight. “Gimme your wrist, Jay.”

Janis reaches the one with the bracelet over to her in confusion. Cady spins it until the charm with the gem is found, then presses the light to the underside.

“Whoa,” Janis whispers. The dark walls are now illuminated with writing in several languages. She looks around until she finds one she recognizes.

“It says ‘I love you’ in a bunch of different languages,” Cady says just as she finds English. “Here, hold it.”

Janis takes the light and continues holding it to the gem, and Cady runs to the wall to point out all the languages. “It’s technically from China, so they might not be perfect. But this is Spanish, ‘Te quiero’, and this is Swahili,” she says excitedly, having to stand on her tippy toes to reach it. “‘Nakupenda’, and over here is Swedish, ‘Jag älskar dig’.”

She continues running around and pointing to them all excitedly, having to jump to reach certain ones or stand on her tippy toes for others. Janis is amazed that she can recognize and pronounce them all, even the languages she doesn’t speak.

Cady turns the lights back on and sits back down once all of them have been pointed out. Damian and Janis had just let her have at it. It’s quite entertaining, watching her run around and chatter about one of her interests.

“Thanks, babe,” Janis chuckles as a panting Cady plops down in between them. “That’s really sweet. And your explanation was very informative.”

“Thank you,” Cady puffs. “Now, what Christmas movies are you going to introduce me to this year?”

Damian’s eyes suddenly light up and he gasps dramatically. “We never did Elf!”

“Fuck!” Janis says when she remembers that unfortunate fact. “Cads, come on, we have to do this now. This is vital.”

“Okay,” Cady giggles, moving them to the couch. She hands Damian the remote and Janis the blankets so they can get everything ready, then heads into the kitchen herself to get their munchies.

She comes back to a full-on blanket fort and a movie waiting for them, handing over the towering plate of cookies and mugs of hot chocolate. Janis pulls her in close and cuddles Cady between herself and Damian.

Best Christmas yet, Cady thinks to herself as the movie begins.

————-

In January, Janis and Damian are officially returned to New York and Cady heads back to school.

Two weeks in, she catches a miserable cold. Apparently it circulates every year, known as the college plague. Regina let her have the dorm room and was spending the nights with friends so she could avoid it as much as possible.

Cady doesn’t want to let Janis know she’s sick, so she hauls herself out of her bed and down to the desk for their weekly Facetime date. Seeing Janis will make her feel better anyway.

“Hey, Peanut,” Janis says happily as soon as her girlfriend comes into view on screen, but it quickly turns into a frown. Cady is bundled in Damian’s blue hoodie, and already wearing her glasses instead of contacts. Janis can also see her bed is unmade and covered with tissues, and spies a bottle of medicine off to the side.

“Hi, Jay,” Cady says, trying to keep the slight croak out of her pained voice. “How are you?”

“Absolutely not,” Janis says. “Go get in bed.”

“What?” Cady says confusedly. “Why?”

“Baby, I can tell you’re miserable, go get in bed,” Janis insists. “Talk to me there, you should be lying down.”

“I’m fine,” Cady says. Janis raises an eyebrow. “Ugh, okay.”

Cady unplugs the computer rests it on her bed, plugging it back into the other outlet before she crawls back into bed. Janis was right, being in bed is much better. She props herself up on her pillows and covers herself with her blanket, then rests the computer with Janis still watching in concern on her lap.

“Much better,” Janis smiles. “What did you catch, Butterfly?”

“It’s just a cold,” Cady says with a sniffle. “I’ll be fine in a couple days.”

Janis pouts. “Poor Peanut. Have you eaten? And are you drinking water?”

Cady holds up her water bottle. “Yes, of course. I haven’t eaten dinner yet, but it’s fine. I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“Okay,” Janis says. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, love,” Cady says. Suddenly, she sneezes violently a couple times. Janis chuckles, she’s always found Cady’s sneezes adorable. Cady pouts as she blows her nose. “Don’ laugh a’ me.”

“Sorry, Butterfly,” Janis says. “You should rest, baby.”

“No,” Cady frowns. “Don’t hang up, I’m fine.”

“I won’t,” Janis says. “If you’re sure you’re okay.”

Cady nods. “How has your week been?”

“Good, actually,” Janis says a bit quieter. She has a sneaky plan to get Cady to rest. Cady loves her voice, so if she just keeps talking, maybe she’ll go to sleep. “My new portrait professor is really funny, and he makes everything so easy to understand.”

“Good,” Cady grins.

“Yeah, he’s really nice,” Janis says. “And he’s gay, he’s got a husband and kids. He always draws one of them whenever he has to do a model or give an example, it’s really cute.”

“Aww,” Cady says, trying to hide a yawn. Janis has noticed she’s sliding down her pillows slightly and definitely noticed the stifled yawn. Cady rests the laptop next to her and turns onto her side, taking her glasses off and cuddling in with her blankets. Nearly there.

“And I got a new assignment to draw more natural stuff from one of my other classes, so Damian and I have been going to Central Park a lot,” Janis continues, grinning as Cady’s eyes start to flutter shut. “It’s cold, but it’s really pretty all covered in snow and stuff. Hopefully everything will be green by the time you’re here, though.”

Cady grins a little at the reminder that they’ll be back together in March, and that she gets to see New York for the first time ever. She doesn’t say anything, just continues letting Janis talk and lull her to sleep.

Janis continues rambling about all her art and what she and Damian have been up to until she sees Cady’s eyes flutter shut and her chest begin to rise and fall evenly. She’s snoring ever so gently, since she’s so congested from her cold.

Janis did promise not to hang up, so she reaches to grab her sketchbook. Cady snoozes and Janis sketches her, penciling in all her freckles and stroking out her long eyelashes as they rest on her cheeks.

Cady still hasn’t woken up after a rather long time, even when Janis finishes drawing her messy curls and shading her red nose. Janis sends a text to Regina asking her to drop some food off for Cady, and then unfortunately has to hang up.

“Sleep well, Peanut,” she whispers. “I love you.”

She shoots Cady a text for her to find when she wakes up and closes the screen.

————-

In February, Cady’s birthday comes around. All she really wants is some cuddles from Janis and Damian, but it’s just unreasonable to expect them to come back for one day.

Instead, she’s surprised to open the door to her dorm room and find it completely covered in balloons and streamers. Regina fires off a rather large confetti cannon as soon as she enters, making them both shriek in surprise at the loud bang and entirely too much confetti rain down from the ceiling. A few pieces actually get stuck hanging from it, or lost in lampshades.

“Happy birthday, bitch!” Regina calls once they’ve both recovered. “Shit.”

“Regina, oh my god,” Cady laughs, pointing to a completely busted ceiling lamp. “This is… wow.”

“Janis did it,” Regina shrugs. “I blame her.”

“Sorry!” A voice rings out from the desk. “I didn’t read the measurements right. Turns out that size is for outdoor use only.”

“Hey, love!” Cady laughs, coming to greet her girlfriend on Facetime. “Thanks for the rest of it! But now we have to pay for that light.”

“I’ll get that too, it’s my bad,” Janis winces. “Happy birthday, baby!”

“Thanks,” Cady says. “Oh, hi Damian!”

“Hey, Caddy,” Damian greets, leaning in next to Janis. There’s a bowl of what looks suspiciously like popcorn on his lap. “Happy birthday, I miss you!”

“I miss you too, D,” Cady says. “One more month!”

“Yeah!” He cheers, leaning back over to his spot.

“Okay, go get comfy,” Regina demands, pointing to her bed.

“What’s happening?” Cady asks confusedly, but listens, going to grab her blanket and a pillow and getting into Regina’s bunk.

“Movie night, duh,” Regina says. “Here.” She hands the laptop over to Cady and grabs a bowl of snacks Cady hadn’t seen before, then crawls into the bed next to her.

Cady rests the laptop between them so they can both see the movie and their friends. Suddenly, another call comes in. “Oh, yay!” Cady answers it and smiles as Karen comes onto the screen. She’s still in Evanston, attending the local community college and working part time.

“Happy birthday, Cady! Cake emoji!” Karen says happily.

“Thanks, Karen!” Cady responds. Then, yet another call comes in. “No way.”

Gretchen is all the way in France, studying fashion at one of the most elite schools there.

“Oh my god, Gretch, hi!” Cady says. Gretchen looks very tired, but smiles when she sees her friends and girlfriend. Janis is only a few states away from Cady, she can’t imagine what it must be like for Gretchen and Karen trying to do long-distance from different continents.

“Hey, Cady lady! Happy birthday,” Gretchen says softly so she doesn’t wake up her roommates.

“This is crazy,” Cady says happily. Janis really went all out setting it up.

“Happy birthday, baby. What movie do you want to watch?” Janis asks, grinning at her girlfriend’s happy smile.

Cady looks sheepish. “The Lion King?”

Everyone laughs, knowing her well. Janis pulls it up on the shared screen so they can all watch at the same time. “Of course you do. Here we go.”

Cady cuddles in with her blanket and munches happily on her snacks. It’s a perfect evening, and she can’t wait to see all her friends in person again soon.

—————

Juliana’s birthday is the day before Cady flies to New York. Julie has kept her updated on how school has been going and what life is like in Evanston, but they haven’t seen each other in person since January.

So, Cady drives home to surprise her. Turning twelve is a very important occasion. She talks with Janis on the phone as she makes the rather long drive back to her hometown.

She switches to Facetime Janis as she pulls onto the correct street and puts the car in park. Julie deserves to see her sister’s face, even if they can’t be together in person.

Damian pops up as well. He might as well be their brother anyway, he’s so close with both of them. Cady grins as she knocks on the door. It’s different, knowing Janis isn’t going to be there, but she’s still excited to see Juliana.

“Cady!” Julie yells happily as she opens the door. Cady grunts slightly as she hugs her. Julie is officially taller than her now at 5’4”, much to Cady‘s chagrin.

“Hey, kiddo! Happy birthday,” Cady greets as Julie squeezes her tightly. “Oh, here, I forgot your present in the car.”

She hands over her phone so Janis can talk to her sister, smiling as she hears Janis yell a very loud happy birthday over the speakers. Julie laughs and continues talking to Janis and Damian while Cady grabs a gift bag from the car.

“Okay, this is technically from all three of us, Janis and Damian sent me their parts of it,” Cady says, handing the bag over and taking her phone back so Janis and Damian can see Julie open it.

Julie tears into it quickly, removing the tissue paper and pulling out a jacket like Janis’, a few starter paints, and some patches. She’s always wanted to be like Janis, so they all got her a jacket of her own to decorate however she wants. Janis bought the jacket itself, Damian got the patches, and Cady bought the paint set.

Julie gasps excitedly when she sees everything all together. “Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

Cady laughs as she runs to hug her again, and hears similar reactions from Janis and Damian through the speakers. “You’re welcome, Jules. What do you want to do now?”

“Cake,” Julie says instantly. She and Janis are remarkably similar sometimes. “Janny, it’s chocolate, should I save you some?”

Cady watches Janis process that and try to hide the tears pricking her eyes. She won’t be back in Illinois to see her sister until May, even if they freeze the cake it’ll be nearly inedible by the time she could.

“Nah, Jules, it’s fine,” Janis replies as Julie leads Cady into the house. “You eat my piece too and then we’ll buy another one when I come back.”

“Okay,” Julie giggles.

Everyone sings her happy birthday after their mom lights the candles, and Julie blows them out happily. Cady hears Janis sing extra loudly, both to beat out Damian and to make sure Juliana could still hear her.

Janis stays on the phone with them for the rest of the day, there in spirit to help Julie decide what to put on her jacket and where, and also when Cady takes her out for ice cream for dinner. As the sun sets Juliana remarks that she had even more fun today than when she got to go bowling with her friends the evening before.

Cady does eventually have to both hang up on her girlfriend and get back to her own house so she can prepare for her trip the next day. Julie hugs her tightly before she can leave.

“Thank you for coming,” she says quietly.

“Of course,” Cady replies. “I think of you as my sister too. I’ll always come for your birthdays.”

Juliana clings to her a little tighter at that, and Cady squeezes her back before she does actually have to let go and leave. Cady is glad to have a sibling in some form again.

—————

Cady wakes up entirely too early the next morning, excited to see her girlfriend again for the first time since January. Her flight doesn’t leave for another six hours or so, so she has some time to kill.

She double checks she has everything packed in her suitcase and that all her tickets are in order, makes her bed extra carefully, and then heads to find some breakfast downstairs.

Cady can barely focus enough to make cereal, she’s so excited at the prospect of seeing both Janis and New York City. Her parents come down as she’s cleaning up after herself, so she decides to catch up with them for a while.

-

After several rounds of Guitar Hero, her dad reminds her of her flight and she rushes back upstairs to get ready.

Cady flies through taking a shower, brushing her hair and teeth, and putting on some comfy travel clothes before she grabs her bags and runs back downstairs. Her parents chuckle at her eagerness and lead her to the car to drop her off.

She hugs them goodbye before she has to pass through security, and then she’s off on her little adventure.

-

Janis texts her as she waits at the gate for her flight to be called to board. It’s a video of her trying to haul Damian out of bed and him moaning that it’s a ‘holy day’ and demanding more sleep.

She giggles quietly at her friends’ antics and smiles when she remembers she’ll be able to hug them in just a few hours. Cady sends back a message telling Janis to leave Damian alone to sleep and another excited message telling her she can’t wait to hug and kiss her again.

Janis texts back the same and tells her she’ll be waiting (hopefully with Damian, but that remains to be seen) at the airport with all the cuddles and kisses they’ve been lacking for the last two months.

-

Three hours later she’s officially in a different state, and in a different time zone, and in her girlfriend’s arms. Cady’s bags wait on the carousel as she clings tightly to Janis and kisses all over her face. They get a few strange looks, but neither of them really care.

Damian did end up coming, so Cady hugs him tightly as well. He kindly takes her suitcase out to their Uber so Cady can hold hands with both of them instead.

Janis smiles when she sees the necklace Cady has on, containing both her charms for her brother. She’d tried all the chains for a week, and found one with smaller links that was the least aggravating. After a bit of practice, she can wear it all day now. Her goal now is to find a bracelet she can wear to put her half-heart charm on to match Janis’.

—————-

Janis unlocks the door to their apartment for them and leads Cady in to show her around. It’s rather small, but has an impressive two bedrooms. Cady likes it, it’s very cozy.

She especially likes Janis’ bedroom, which has been personalized wall to wall. She put paper on the walls and painted over that, intricate murals of all sorts of patterns and colors and textures. Her familiar black bedsheets don the bed, and Cady smiles when she sees her Mathletes jacket covering a pillow that Janis cuddles.

Janis flops down onto it and reaches for her actual girlfriend, so Cady cuddles into her happily.

“I love it here already,” she says quietly, nuzzling into Janis’ neck and fiddling with her pink-tipped hair. “You look good with pink hair.”

“You think?” Janis responds. “I was kind of scared to try it, actually. Damian made me do it.”

“Yes! You look good in pink, I keep trying to tell you,” Cady giggles. “Maybe I should dye mine.”

“No,” Janis whines, fiddling with Cady’s curls. “I love your hair.”

Cady grins at her. “Not even like you do? Don’t you think I’d look fun with, like, purple hair for a couple days?”

Janis ponders that, looking at her girlfriend to analyze. “Maybe. If you really want to. I do think you’d look good, I just love you as a redhead.”

“Thank you,” Cady smiles. “I love you in every color.”

“You’re so sappy,” Janis groans, but she’s smiling happily too. “I missed you.”

“I missed you so much,” Cady replies quietly. “I can’t wait for summer.”

“Two more months,” Janis agrees. “Then we have so many movie nights and cuddle sessions to make up for.”

Cady smiles again and cuddles back into Janis’ shoulder. “I can’t wait. I’ve missed in-person movie nights.”

“I have too. It’s not the same without you attached to my arm like an octopus when we watch scary movies,” Janis teases. “Or without you trying to steal my popcorn.”

“Our popcorn, excuse you,” Cady retaliates. “I get girlfriend privileges. If we’re watching scary movies it’s our arm and our popcorn.”

Janis laughs at that and rolls onto her side so they can face each other. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Cady replies, inching closer and leaning in for kisses. Janis rests a hand on her cheek and responds in kind, running her tongue gently over her bottom lip and pulling her closer when Cady gasps quietly.

After a while, neither of them is sure how long exactly, Cady pulls back abruptly with a gasp.

“What happened?” Janis asks in concern.

“Our anniversary,” Cady says. “It’s been a year, on my birthday.”

“Oh, yeah,” Janis says. “I was more focused on the birthday, I totally forgot.”

“So did I,” Cady chuckles. “Well, we can celebrate now.”

“Yeah we can,” Janis purrs, rolling to pin Cady underneath her and pressing their lips together again. She hopes Damian took a hint and went out somewhere.

—————-

The next day, Janis and Damian show Cady around the city. Janis shows her the local jewelry store and helps Cady pick a charm bracelet chain to try, and then Damian takes them to the Broadway area to look around.

“Wow,” Cady says in awe at all the bright colors and big signs. It’s strange to think that all the bootlegs she’s watched with Damian over the years were filmed in these buildings. “It’s beautiful.”

“Isn’t it just?” Damian sighs dramatically. “Oh, that reminds me. I have a very, very late birthday present for you, Cads.”

“Aww, really?” Cady asks. Janis raises a suspicious eyebrow. A present this late is almost sure to have some sort of selfish motivation behind it.

“Um… I might have impulse bought three tickets to Wicked,” he says sheepishly. “Surprise!”

“No way!” Cady calls and leaps into his arms. She’s aware of its reputation as one of the more ‘basic’ musicals out there, but it is still one of her favorites. Janis seems kind of excited as well, though she loathes musicals. “When is it?”

“A few hours, we have a little bit of time to kill,” Damian responds. “We should eat first, anyway.”

Cady refuses to let him go, so Damian carries her piggyback to their favorite sandwich place that he and Janis had discovered while they were lost one night. Neither of them are still totally sure how it happened since the streets are numbered, but Janis wasn’t particularly surprised, knowing their math skills, even combined, are rather sub-par.

—————-

Several hours later, they’re in the theater and ready to watch the show. Cady is shaking with excitement, looking around in awe at the set and all the lights. Their seats aren’t very close to the stage, but Cady is excited that she can see the whole thing at once.

Janis squeezes her hand and smiles affectionately at her girlfriend’s joy. Damian grabs Janis’ bag and passes out the snacks he’d managed to smuggle in. Cady offers Janis some of her Sour Patch Kids, which Janis takes. In return, Cady gets a few Milk Duds.

Cady leans onto her shoulder as the opening music starts, and stays there for the whole first act. Janis can feel every smile and hear every gasp or reaction to the events on stage. Janis is rather shocked herself, having somehow never seen the show. She’s quite frightened when they finally get to Defying Gravity and Elphaba is suddenly at their eye level.

-

Cady buys them all matching t-shirts from the merch area after the show, still vibrating with the adrenaline. Janis is pouting, making Cady frown.

“What’s the matter? Didn’t you have fun?” She asks sadly, wrapping her arms around Janis’ neck. Janis holds onto her waist while Damian heads off to take pictures of everything.

“I did,” Janis responds. “I just really thought Elphaba and Glinda would end up together.”

“Oh,” Cady laughs. “I did too, honestly. Fiyero isn’t bad, though. He’s cute.”

“You’d make a good Galinda,” Janis murmurs, leaning down for a quick kiss.

“And you would make a great Elphie,” Cady says, kissing her back.

“You really think I could sing like that?” Janis chuckles. “I don’t think I could handle being up so high.”

“You have a beautiful voice, of course you could,” Cady says. “And she’s fastened in, you wouldn’t fall.”

“Still, did you see how high they go? And you’d be in the bubble,” Janis mumbles with an anxious shudder. “Maybe for Halloween.”

Cady grins back. “Yeah, that’d be better. Then you can stay on the ground.”

“Humans aren’t supposed to be up that high!” Janis insists. “I’m the normal one here for once.”

“I never said you weren’t,” Cady giggles at her reaction. “Come on, let’s go find Damian.”

Janis pouts but follows as Cady hauls her around by the hand.

—————-

Janis and Damian drop Cady off at the airport again at the end of the week. Cady has an extra suitcase now, to carry all of her treasures she’s acquired in the city.

They all cling to one another desperately before Cady has to pass through security. Damian heads to a vending machine to give Cady and Janis some alone time.

They’re both already crying slightly, sniffling into each other’s shoulders. A single week together isn’t nearly enough time.

“It’s just two more months,” Cady whispers. “We’ve made it this far, we can do it again.”

“But I don’t want to do it again,” Janis whimpers. “I want to be with you.”

“I know, love. So do I,” Cady sniffles. “We’ll have the whole summer together. We can do it.”

“Summer,” Janis repeats to comfort herself. It feels years away. “God, I thought this was supposed to get easier.”

“I don’t think it ever will,” Cady chuckles sardonically. “Kiss me.”

Janis obliges, tugging Cady in by the waist as Cady cups her cheeks. She tries to memorize the cherry scent of her hair, and the artificial watermelon taste of her chapstick that still lingers. Neither of them care that they’re making out in an incredibly crowded airport, or that they’re getting strange looks. They need this moment.

“Two months,” Janis whispers when they break apart.

“Two months,” Cady repeats. They’ve already done their calendars for the next few months, and heavily decorated the day Janis and Damian would be flying back for the summer. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Janis sniffs.

“I love you most,” Cady murmurs, tipping her face back up for more kisses.

Damian comes back after another couple minutes and gives a cough to announce his return, so they break apart regretfully. Cady heads to cling to him, and he holds her just as tight.

“Bye, Little Slice,” he says sadly. Cady squishes her face against his chest to hide her tears.

“Bye, D,” she whispers back. “I’ll see you in May.”

Janis presses against her back so Cady is totally pinned between her art freaks. They stay like that until the last possible minute, but Cady does still have a flight home to catch.

She heads through security and blows them kisses from the other side, which they return before they head to leave.

Two months.

——————

Cady and Janis talk every day, and still have their weekly Facetime dates. They text in between classes and call to chat as they study for finals.

Until Cady doesn’t answer the phone one day.

Janis tries not to worry. She knows that it’s Cady’s last week to prepare, and that she has good reason to be stressed. But Cady’s never ignored her calls or messages before.

Janis tries not to bother her, only leaving one voicemail and trying to limit the amount of texts she sends.

She smiles when a call from Cady finally comes through, but it quickly fades when she picks up. Apparently she hadn’t been restrained enough for Cady’s taste.

“Janis, what do you want? My exams are next week, I have to study,” Cady huffs.

Janis is confused, she just wanted to check in. “I just… wanted to talk to you. I miss you.”

“Janis, these are important,” Cady growls in retaliation. “I miss you too, but god.”

“If that’s how it is,” Janis replies quietly. “Then I’ll leave you alone.” She hangs up and turns her phone to silent, plopping it into her nightstand drawer before turning away from it and crying into her pillow.

-

Damian wakes her up a few hours later, she must have drifted off. “I made dinner.”

“I’m not hungry,” Janis whispers back, not even turning to look at him. “I’ll eat later.”

“No you fucking will not, what happened?” Damian demands, flicking on her light and coming into her bed with her.

“Nothing happened, I’m just not hungry,” Janis insists, turning to squish her face into her pillow so he can’t see the tear tracks. He isn’t fooled, hauling her up by the back of her shirt like a mama cat grabs a kitten. “Hey!”

He rests her down once she’s upright and looks at her face. “You’ve been crying. What happened?”

Janis falls apart with one look into his eyes, bursting into heartbroken tears again. Damian pulls her in for a hug and waits for an explanation.

She’s crying too hard and doesn’t want to give details, so she just sobs out a “Cady.” and hopes he can piece together what he needs to.

“Did you have a fight?” He asks gently. Janis nods and cries harder into his chest. “Okay, shh. We’ll work it out.”

Janis cries herself to sleep again, somehow, so Damian tucks her in and heads back to the kitchen. He can’t believe he’s even considering the possibility, but maybe Regina can help.

damecupboard: Hey Reggie

georgewashington: Hey, Damian. What’s up?

damecupboard: Has Caddy said anything about Janis? Or been acting weird?

georgewashington: Janis, no. Acting weird, definitely. She’s been super on edge the last couple days. She yelled at me for breathing too loud while she was trying to study.

damecupboard: Jesus

damecupboard: She and Janis had a fight, Janis is messed up. She’s cried herself to sleep twice today already

georgewashington: I’m not surprised they fought. I don’t think Cady’s slept in three days. Poor Janis.

damecupboard: This isn’t like her, can you try to talk to her?

georgewashington: Uh. I can try, but it’s kind of like volunteering to enter a cage with a hungry lion.

damecupboard: Just try to ask her what’s going on but don’t make it obvious

georgewashington: Got it.

Damian bites his thumbnail anxiously while he waits for Regina to answer again. It’s not until nearly ten minutes later that his text tone pings off again.

georgewashington: Well. I think our whole building knows she’s on edge now, but in between yelling things I couldn’t understand she kept talking about getting into a good grad school and mentioning Janis.

damecupboard: Huh. She can totally get into a good school on her own, these aren’t that important

georgewashington: I’m worried about her, she really hasn’t slept in a few days. And she barely eats. All she does is study.

damecupboard: Yeah, yelling at you guys really isn’t like her. If I get Janis to, can you try to get her into a “movie night”? I think if they can see each other and talk it’ll help

georgewashington: You’re really just gonna sacrifice me like that huh.

georgewashington: I’ll try. Six your time, get Janis and call. If we don’t pick up she has actually murdered me for even asking.

damecupboard: Got it. Sorry, Reggie

damecupboard: I’ll make them buy you flowers

georgewashington: I like poppies.

Damian chuckles at her response and goes to wake up Janis again. He frowns when he finds her clinging to her pillow with Cady’s mathletes jacket covering it.

“Janjan, come on, your food is getting cold,” he says quietly, shaking her awake again. “You gotta come eat and then you can go back to bed.”

Janis just groans and turns to lie on her belly.

“You know full well I will haul your ass out of bed myself, come eat,” Damian insists, clapping his hands to try and get her to move.

“Can’t I just eat in here? And be sad?” Janis asks pitifully, poking out one chocolate brown eye to blink at him sadly.

“No.”

“Why?” Janis groans.

“Because I’m lonely, you have to keep me company,” Damian lies. “It’s your legal obligation as my roommate. It was in the papers we had to sign.”

Not even a chuckle. “Entertain yourself.”

Damian grabs her ankle and starts dragging her out of bed. Janis doesn’t resist but also doesn’t get up. “Come on.”

“No,” she whines, reaching for her blanket. She gives an “Oof!” as she thuds to the ground, but lets him continue to drag her out of the room and into the kitchen.

Damian allows her to stay on the ground, resting her plate of food on her chest and dragging her over to the couch. Janis pouts at him from the ground, so he removes the plate and helps her up, then hands it back.

She eats slowly, and leans on his shoulder with a sad sigh once her last bite is gone. He pulls her close and looks to the clock, it’s nearly six.

“What are you doing?” Janis asks confusedly when he reaches for his laptop and rests it on the coffee table in front of them.

“Nothing,” Damian replies quickly, but she can see him open Facetime and click through to Regina’s contact.

“Damian, no, I don’t wanna see them,” Janis whines. The call goes through regardless and catches Cady mid-very loud sentence.

“I told you, I don’t have time for a movie! God, what is with you people? First Janis, now you?!” She yells, presumably at Regina who’s just offscreen. Janis is suddenly confronted with the memory of their very short phone call, and some more unpleasant ones from their high school days. She feels herself sniffle and let out a sob into Damian’s shoulder, making Cady suddenly snap her head to look at the screen.

“Hey,” Damian greets with a wave, as if he hasn’t just witnessed the terrifying display of Cady-rage on screen and doesn’t have a very upset Janis weeping into his shoulder. “How’s it going?”

Cady suddenly looks very sheepish. She frowns when she sees Janis crying quietly.

“Cady. Talk to them.” Regina demands. Cady’s bottom lip starts trembling and she suddenly bursts into tears as well.

“God, I’m so sorry,” she sobs. “I’ve… I’ve been such a bitch, I’m so sorry. Janis.”

Janis looks up when she hears her girlfriend start crying, still instinctively wanting to comfort her even though she’s distraught herself. Damian pats her shoulder comfortingly to try and get her to talk.

“What is going on with you?” Janis asks. It sounds more rude than she wants it to, but  it’ll do.

“Jay, I’m so sorry,” Cady sobs. “I’ve been… I’m trying to study as much as I can. If I don’t pass then I might-I might get bumped back a semester, or I won’t get into grad school. I-I have to pass, I have to do well enough. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Why are you so worried about this?” Janis asks quietly with a shaky sniffle. “You’ll pass.”

Cady starts crying harder at the question. “Because if I don’t I might never see you again,” she wails rapidly.

“Whoa, what?” Janis says. “What are you talking about?”

“If I don’t pass I won’t get into grad school and then I won’t be smart enough for you and-and I’m trying to get into schools in New York so I can be close to you but if I don’t then we have to keep doing this and I don’t want you to leave me,” Cady sobs. “But now I fucked everything up and got mad at you and you might anyway!”

Janis suddenly realizes this goes a lot deeper than she thought, and Janis didn’t actually have anything to do with her outburst at all. Damian leaves suddenly to give them some privacy, and she hears the door to Cady’s dorm click shut through the speakers, signaling Regina has done the same.

“Caddy, hey,” Janis says as Cady has her face buried in her arms at her desk. “When was the last time you slept?”

Cady peeks up at her and chokes out more sobs. “I don’t know. I think Tuesday.”

“And when was the last time you ate?” Janis asks quietly.

“Lunch, a while ago,” Cady sobs again.

“Baby, this isn’t healthy,” Janis says. “You can’t do this to yourself.”

“But I have to study, Jay, I have so much to-“

“No,” Janis insists. “You don’t. You’re burning yourself out. You haven’t slept in four days, and Regina just told me that ‘lunch’ you ate was yesterday. You’re gonna kill yourself if you keep going like this.”

“No, I have to-“

“Cady Jane Heron, listen to me,” Janis demands loudly. Cady snaps her head up and looks at the screen almost in fear. “I love you. I love you more than anything in this fucking world put together. I’m not going to break up with you because you don’t get into a grad school. I don’t care how smart you are. I love that you’re brilliant because it’s part of who you are, but if that changes it doesn’t change you. Or how much I love you. And we’ve made it this long being apart, I can handle a little bit longer for you to try again or figure out what else you want to do. All I care about right now is you being okay and still loving me at the end of the day.”

Cady dissolves into heavy sobs, burying her face in her arms again. “I’m not okay, Jay.”

“I know, baby. I know,” Janis says. “We’ll work on it. For now, go get in bed. I’ll have Regina bring you something to eat.”

Cady nods and unplugs the computer, climbing up into her unmade bed and crying gently against her pillows. Janis texts Regina and asks her to grab something quick for Cady to eat and letting her know Cady is sure to give a very long and tearful apology for her behavior.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, Jay,” Cady mumbles in the meantime. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not gonna say it’s okay,” Janis replies. “But I understand. But you can’t do this again. You have to tell someone if you’re feeling like this, and I’m gonna get Reggie to watch you a little closer for a while. I love you.”

“Okay,” Cady sniffles. “I love you too.”

She perks up when Regina comes back with some soup from the dining hall, and starts sobbing again. Janis lets her apologize to Regina and waits for her to come back on screen.

Cady says her apologies several times over, and Janis can see Regina hug her begrudgingly from the edge of the screen. Now that she’s gotten her apologies in order, Cady gradually calms down, taking some deep breaths in between spoonfuls of her soup. It’s warm and filling, and she drifts off just after the last bite passes her lips.

Regina grabs the laptop and empty tray from her lap. Cady turns onto her side, deeply asleep.

“Fucking hell,” Regina murmurs under her breath. “I’ve never seen her like that, that was scary.”

“You’re telling me,” Janis jokes weakly. “Can you make sure she showers and eats again whenever she wakes up? And don’t let her study for a while?”

“Sure, I’ll hide her books,” Regina says, marking Cady’s pages and places with bookmarks before she carefully stashes them all in one of her own dresser drawers.

“Thanks,” Janis chuckles. “Let me know if anything happens.”

“Got it,” Regina replies. “Later, art freak.”

“Bye, Barbie.”

Janis closes the screen with a heavy sigh and leans her head into her hands as Damian enters again. “Everything sorted?”

“For now,” Janis sighs. “Fuck, D.”

“I know,” Damian comforts. “She’ll be okay. And now you know you can handle conflict from different states, that’s a plus.”

Janis is very glad she still has a girlfriend by the end of this day. “Can I sleep in your bed?”

“And you say you’re not clingy,” Damian teases. “Come on, loser, chop chop.”

————-

Cady is much more rational after a night of sleep, and texts both Janis and Damian one more apology. They Facetime Cady and Regina every day until the end of their term. Cady takes much better care of herself throughout, and only studies in short bursts. She passes all her exams with flying colors, as everyone knew she would.

Janis and Damian’s finals are the following week, and then they’re packing up their apartment and flying home for the summer. They decided to leave Janis’ truck there and not drive home for the sake of simplicity.

Cady texted them and said she couldn’t be at the airport to meet them due to a last math club meeting, but would be able to meet them at Janis’ house once they arrived there.

She, of course, was lying. She’s waiting by baggage claim and smiles when she sees her two favorite people (looking frankly exhausted) grab their suitcases. Cady quickly texts Janis before they can order themselves an Uber, telling her to turn around.

Janis does, and Cady jumps up and down and waves so she can see her. Janis smiles widely and runs to meet her. Cady runs to her too, and they meet each other halfway.

“I thought you couldn’t come,” Janis says as she picks Cady up to spin her around.

“I lied!” Cady says happily. “Payback for Christmas.”

“Ah,” Janis giggles, pulling her close again and wrapping her up tightly. “How are you, Peanut?”

“A lot better,” Cady replies quietly. “My parents put me in therapy to help, too.”

“Good,” Janis says. “Now take me home, I have girlfriend cuddles to catch up on.”

“Okay, come on,” Cady chuckles, lacing their fingers together and grabbing Damian as they leave the building for the last time until fall. Good riddance.

—————-

Juliana comes flying out the door when she sees them pull up, running full tilt towards her sister and pitching herself into her arms. Janis shrieks as her sister suddenly collides with her, but wraps her arms around her tightly.

“You’re weird, Jules,” she teases quietly into her sister’s hair. “You’re not supposed to like me.”

“I don’t, you’re gross,” Julie retaliates, but doesn’t leave. Janis suddenly hears an indignant meow, and looks down to find Pancakes sitting and waiting for his turn.

“How did you get out?” Janis asks, scooping up her chunky cat and stroking his ears. “And how did you get fatter since Christmas?”

“Oh, oops,” Julie says quietly, realizing she left the door open. “Come on.”

Damian and Janis’ moms come out to hug them, and Janis is confused to find Cady’s parents there as well. Cady grabs their suitcases while they make their greetings and carries them in for them.

Janis follows after her a few minutes later, still carrying Pancakes who is refusing to be set down. “What’s happening?”

“Just a little get together,” Cady teases, resting Janis’ suitcase on her bed to be unpacked later. “To celebrate you coming back.”

“Oh,” Janis replies. “What… what sort of get together?”

“You don’t have to be scared, it’s just a barbecue,” Cady giggles. “And nobody else is coming, we just have a lot of food. And Jules got you another cake.”

Janis grins affectionately. “Cute.”

Cady comes up and scritches Pancakes behind his ears, making him purr happily. “I know, Janis is home for three whole months!” Cady agrees excitedly. “And she’s been with me for two hours and hasn’t kissed me yet!”

Janis rolls her eyes lovingly and cups the back of her neck, pulling her in for a sweet kiss. Pancakes meows crankily when he’s squished between them, so they pull back.

“You’re a real cockblocker sometimes, you know that?” Janis asks him quietly. “Let’s go see if we can steal you some food.”

Pancakes is stuffed into his cat carrier so he can spend the evening in the backyard with them, and given a piece of a cheeseburger patty to appease him.

Janis, Cady, Damian and Juliana play tag while the adults cook, and then have a contest to see who can jump off the swings and land the furthest away.

Cady laughs delightedly as Janis pushes her swing higher, and shrieks in surprise as she comes rushing up behind her upon her landing to pick her up and carry her around. Janis slips after a few steps and they both tumble to the ground, but nobody is hurt.

“Jay, oh my god,” Cady laughs, clutching her stomach. Janis laughs with her and rolls off to the side, lying on her back next to her. “You’re such a dork.”

“Are you okay?” Janis laughs breathlessly. Cady had kind of taken the brunt of their impact with the ground.

“Yeah,” Cady chuckles, her laughter finally slowing. “Are you?”

Janis rolls on top of her again and leans down for a kiss. “I have you back with me, of course I’m okay.”

“You’re such a flirt, oh my god,” Cady giggles. Janis leans down again, but is suddenly beaned in the head with a foam football.

“Ow!” She yells, looking over to where Damian is standing with Juliana on his back.

“Horny police,” Damian calls. “Stop it.”

“Ugh!” Janis grumbles, but does roll off of her girlfriend. “You guys are no fun.”

“You literally just tossed your girlfriend on the ground and then fell on top of her, don’t talk to us about fun,” Julie retaliates. “We just don’t want to see you fuck in public.”

“Hey!” Janis calls, whacking her on the back of the head. “You’re not allowed to swear.”

“But you do it all the time!” Julie says.

“Yeah, do you really want to end up like me?” Janis asks.

“Fair point,” Julie shrugs, shrieking as Janis suddenly lunges for her. She slides off of Damian’s back and runs away from her sister’s wrath, with Janis running full speed after her.

“You little brat, get back here!” Janis yells, increasing her speed.

Cady and Damian watch in a mixture of hilarity and concern, laughing as Julie streaks by them. Janis is gaining on her, however.

Juliana makes it to the adults first, shielded by their mother. “Girls, behave.”

“Yeah, Janny,” Julie teases. “Behave.”

Janis sticks her tongue out at her, and Julie does it back. “Sleep with one eye open tonight.”

Julie dissolves into giggles at the threat, and Janis does too. Cady grins at their interactions, reminded of her brother. She still has the necklace, and touches the charms without thinking of it.

The sisters return to Cady and Damian then, both slightly out of breath. Janis kisses Cady in greeting and smiles as she nuzzles into her shoulder. Julie and Damian both make fake gagging sounds, but they ignore them this time.

Eventually they’re called to eat, and Cady sits on Janis’ lap as they all sit around a picnic blanket and munch happily on their hot dogs and burgers. Janis feels more at peace than she has since July.

Maybe summer is okay.

[pawthorn]

Eyes of Nein

Six vignettes of reactions and conversations revolving on the strange connection between Lucien and Caduceus Clay.

Part 6: Veth

Veth barrelled into Caduceus' room without knocking.

"Alright, where are those fuckers?" She yelled. "Are they in here? Are you hiding them?"

She slammed the door behind her as Caduceus and Jester looked over. They were sitting together by the fire, looking cozy, comfortable, and completely innocent.

Which Veth found extremely suspicious.

"Uh…" said Caduceus. "No?"

"You didn't even ask who I was talking about," she said as she approached the couch, crossbow loaded and ready. "If you're not hiding anyone, how do you already know who I'm looking for?"

"I don't," said Caduceus. "But I'm not hiding anyone. So I don't have to ask who you're looking for to know I haven't hid them."

Veth did a little verbal math before nodding.

"Alright, you're off the hook," she set her sights on Jester. "What about you, Lavorre? You're awfully quiet over there..."

"Who are you looking for, Veth?" Jester asked, calmly sipping her tea.

"Why are you asking!?" Veth demanded. "Like Caduceus said, an innocent person wouldn't need to ask!"

"To be fair," Caduceus said. "She might be hiding somebody you're not looking for. Seems wrong to force her to give that information up, if it's not what you need."

"That's true, Veth," Jester nodded. "Do you really want me to divulge all my private contacts, when you might not even care about them?"

Veth hesitated.

"I mean, yeah," she said. "I kind of want to hear who's on that list…"

"Veth!"

"Okay, okay," she disarmed her crossbow and threw herself into a chair across from the Clerics. "It's Beau and Yasha! Beau and I had it all sorted out. I was going to take tonight to spend some quality time with Yasha, and Beau was going to do the same with Caduceus. But I've been searching this place since after dinner, and I can't find either of them anywhere! So, do you think we should tell the others? Form search parties?"

Jester and Caduceus shared a look of… amusement maybe?

"I think that Beau probably misunderstood you," Jester shrugged. "Maybe she and Yasha are hanging out somewhere and you just missed them."

"Maybe," Veth said, accepting the tea Caduceus poured out and handed her. "These Tomb Takers are dangerous though. None of us should be running around playing hide-and-seek while they're here. And we definitely shouldn't be alone with any of them."

At that, Caduceus winced and Jester nervously sipped her tea.

"Okay, what was that?!" Veth said.

"What!?" Jester said.

"Jester," Veth said, leaning forward. "Have you been alone with one of them? It's the halfling, isn't it? You're trying to cut me out of the detective agency!"

"Stop," Caduceus said. "It wasn't her. It was me. I had tea with Lucien. Nothing happened. It's fine."

"What!?" Veth said. "Why would you do that? He murders people, Caduceus!"

"Well, he didn't murder me," Caduceus said, bristling slightly.

"But we don't know what other powers he has," Veth said. "He could have brainwashed you. You could be one of his hive-mind now!"

"Then I guess you shouldn't drink any more of that tea," Caduceus said mildly, sipping from his own cup.

Veth looked from her cup to Caduceus and back again.

"Kidding," he said. "Honestly, Ms. Veth, we had a perfectly normal, reasonable conversation. Nothing to worry about."

"But you didn't even know Molly," Veth said, still trying to wrap her brain around unassuming, mild-mannered Caduceus having tea with Lucien. "What could you even talk about? You have nothing in common!"

"What do I have in common with any of you?" Caduceus said sharply.

The statement landed like an anvil. Silence stretched uncomfortably for a long moment.

"Oh!" Jester said with forced cheer. "I know something the three of us have in common. We've all got families who love us!"

Some of the tension drained from the room, but a new heaviness replaced it. A heaviness Veth knew she shared with Caduceus.

"You're right, Jester, we do," Caduceus said, eyes sliding from Veth's. "How are things with Ms. Marion? Has she heard from the Gentleman recently?"

It was a good deflection, and Veth was grateful for it. As Jester launched into her answer, Veth took a moment to breathe through the sudden tide of emotions that gripped her. Longing, worry, love, guilt… And looking at Caduceus, she knew she wasn't the only one feeling it.

Caduceus understood what the responsibility was like, not just to have a family, but to have a family waiting for you. A family to go back to . It was different for Jester. Her parents didn't expect her to return, not permanently, anyway. After all, she was a kid, and kids are supposed to be free to go out into the world…

She stumbled in her own thinking as she looked at Caduceus. He wasn't a wise old sage, not really. She had known it when he first tried alcohol. When he sat, shivering and small, on the deck of a ship. When he played that ridiculous bone flute. When he ran to his mom and she scooped him up in a hug. When he didn't notice that he was being propositioned. When he had tea with a dangerous stranger and thought nothing of it. He was as young as Jester, really.

"...And you know, I just realized, I still have some spells left," Jester was saying. "I think I'm going to go Send some messages to my parents!"

She hopped off of the sofa, and started toward the door. Caduceus rose to walk her to the doorway, and stayed there to watch her ascend safely to her room. Closing the door with a gentle click, he returned to his place and settled with a sigh.

"She seems happy," he said. "That's good. The last few days have been hard on her."

"Not just her," Veth said.

"True," Caduceus sighed. "Sorry for snapping earlier."

"No, no," Veth waved him off. "I shouldn't have pushed."

Veth took a moment to study Caduceus. He looked small in this room. It was the way he held himself, Veth realized. He was used to taking up less space, keeping everything contained to fit surroundings that weren't built with him in mind. In a room filled with furniture his size, he seemed diminished, swallowed up. She wondered if the opposite was true for her. Maybe she no longer fit in little halfling chairs and tables, or the little halfling home she had once loved. It certainly felt smaller, these days.

"I'm glad she could Send a message to your family," Veth said. "So that you know they're safe. I'm sure you miss them."

"Of course," said Caduceus. "And it is good to know that they're safe. I'm glad that you could spend some time with your family, although I know it wasn't much."

"It was alright," Veth said. "Honestly, it's kind of strange to spend time with them while we're in the middle of adventuring. It's nice to be able to see them, and I love them both very much, but I love all of you as well. I end up feeling like I'm cheating them and the Nein. Like I'm letting everyone down, in some way. It's like being torn in two."

"I understand that," Caduceus nodded. "Believe me, I do."

"Is that why you made a clean break with your family?" Veth said. "Sent them back to the Grove with Reani instead of us taking them there?"

"I mean," Caduceus shifted. "You all had already spent enough time on me, there were other things to do."

"We would have made time, Caduceus," Veth said. "We spent, what, three days getting your family business sorted? Maybe four? It wasn't the rest of us who were in a hurry."

"I know," Caduceus said, ears drooping. "It's easier to tell myself that. But you're right. It's… uncomfortable to be with them and with the Nein. But not like being pulled in two. It's like… like being two people at once. Who I was with them, and who I am with you. It was strange."

"You could have taken some time with them though," said Veth. "We'd have given you space. Ten years is a long time to be apart."

Something flashed in Caduceus' eyes. For a moment, Veth could see the weight of those years, usually tucked away and borne secretly. It reminded her of Caleb, the way he sometimes lost himself in the past. It reminded her of her own eyes, reflected up from still and threatening water.

"Do you know what my mom said?" Caduceus spoke quietly, eyes focussed on his tea. "She said she thinks I'm the only one who could have saved them. Saved the Grove."

"It sounds like she's proud of you," Veth thought of Luc and her hopes for him. She thought of the  kindness and help Caduceus continually showed. "I know I would be."

Caduceus looked up in surprise, ears lifting.

"But if that's true," he said, brow furrowed. "I shouldn't have waited ten years to leave. I should have been the first to go."

Veth thought about that, really thought.

"Look," she said. "I don't know about fate and gods and all of that. I do know that parents don't always get it right. We try. But sometimes we mess up. And it's the worst thing, to mess up in a way that hurts your child. But it wasn't your choice to stay, not really. Not when everyone else was choosing to leave. And Caduceus, you should not have been left alone for so long."

Caduceus' eyes were wide and wet. Veth could see his throat working, though no sound came out.

"I don't mean to judge your parents," she said. "They couldn't have known what would happen. But you were left in a terrible situation. And I'm glad that you ended up with us, but there was nothing good about the circumstances that brought us together. And it took a lot of faith and courage on your part to trust us, to leave with us and help us. No parent could expect more from their child. Not even a Wildmother."

They sat in silence as Veth's words settled. Caduceus gazed into his tea, looking a bit shattered. Tentatively, Veth left her seat to climb onto the couch beside him. Standing on the seat next to him, she wrapped her arms around his neck, petting his hair as she did with Luc when he was hurt or afraid. She felt Caduceus relax into the circle of her arms, breathing deeply as he worked through his feelings. Eventually, she pulled away, holding his face in her hands. She produced a handkerchief from her pocket and blotted away the wet streaks in his fur.

"Thanks," he said, smiling and unashamed as he met her gaze. "I think I needed that."

"Any time, Ducey," she said. "We're here for you."

She patted his head one last time before hopping down.

"I think we should both get some rest," she said. "I'll see you in the morning."

Caduceus nodded and walked her to the door. He kept watch as she ascended slowly through the center of the Tower. Once she was out of sight and she heard his door click shut, she paused.

Down, she thought, silently.

Quiet as a shadow, Veth drifted back to Caduceus' floor. She looked at his door, and Yasha's. Then, she turned to glare at the guest room door.

Standing there, Veth thought about family and responsibility. She thought about dangers, both internal and external, and how a person could drown on dry land under the weight of it all. She thought about her friends, how badly she wanted them all safe and cared for.

Then, gingerly, Veth extracted a banana peel from her bag. She carefully placed it in front of the guest room door.

Nodding to herself, she turned away, rising through the center of the tower to a peaceful night's rest.

Read Part 1

[succubusphan]

Everything I Wanted

Summary: Dan dreams and dreams of what his life could have been if he had gotten everything he ever wanted - the what ifs that pale in comparisson to what he had now.

Based on the Billie Eilish song.

Rating: G

Word count: 4.9k

Tags: Mild Angst, fluff, established relationship, lots of love and support, My best attempt at being poetic with quite a bit of help. Mild references to homophobia.

A/n: This fic was written for @thoughtathought for winning the charity auction for Dan’s Birthday. Thank you so much for your donation and for being extra amazing! And thank you to @schnaf  for being my support and grammar beta and @icequeenjules26 for adding to the grammar and poetry aspect of the fic. Thank you both for your opinions and unthank you to both of you for roasting me (I’ll see you in hell.)

This is an accompanying piece to If I Ain’t Got You but can be read as a stand alone.

Read on ao3

Rain fell mercilessly upon the streets of Wokingham. Dan sighed and brushed a wet strand of hair out of his face - he hated this fucking weather. His hair was already ruined, but there was no way around it. He pulled his jacket tighter around his body and made his way to school. 

 Dan walked down the hallway of The Forest School confidently. For once in his life he was on time to meet his friends before the first lesson of the day. Some of the people standing off to the side waved at him as he made his way to their usual meeting point. He waved back with a smile even though he didn’t know them. He didn’t mind. It was normal for less popular students to look up to the more popular ones and want their attention in whatever form they could get; he honestly felt a bit bad for them. Luckily for Dan, he had fit into his group right from the start.

 He found them outside the library, as usual. Not because they used it, though. “We’re too cool for that,” Thatcher had said, so the group never went inside. In fact, Dan didn’t know what the inside even looked like. 

 He leaned against the wall, trying to look cool. “Hey, what’s up?”

 “Nice hair, Howell,” Thatcher said. 

 The rest of them laughed - as they usually did - but Dan didn’t mind, they were his friends after all. 

 Thatcher didn’t drop it, though. “You look like a drowned rat.”

 “Thank you, Thatcher! When I want to look like a wanker I’ll ask you for hair advice,” Dan elbowed him. 

 The group laughed even louder and that made Dan’s heart soar a bit; he enjoyed making people laugh like that.

 “Oi, at least I do well with the birds!” Thatcher laughed, wrapping one arm around Dan’s shoulders. “Are you going to call Lara back? She keeps asking.”

 “Uh, yeah. I- ” Dan tried not to let his smile falter. “I will, when it’s time… you know, you gotta let them wait so they want it more.” He winked and his friend roared with laughter again. This time he felt empty. He wasn’t going to call Lara, but he didn’t want to admit that. They accepted him as they knew him, a straight boy who did kind of well at school and was funny; a cool guy. They didn’t need to know that it wasn’t the truth - nobody did. 

 “Damn right! Smart move, Dan. Come on, let’s visit our little friend over there.” Thatcher pointed to a scrawny looking boy. 

 Dan didn’t speak to him, but he knew him. They sat together in math class. If Dan closed his eyes, he could see that shining black hair and those piercing blue eyes just as clear he saw them in front of him now… his rosy lips and long pale fingers tracing over Dan’s skin.

 He shut his eyes, dreading it already. He wanted to leave, he wanted to disappear off the face of the earth, but of course, he had no such luck. Thatcher grabbed his arm and pulled him along. Bullying was a mandatory group activity. 

 “What’s up, Gaylord? What’s it like being lord of the gays?” Thatcher spat. 

 Dan tried his best to seem invisible, to fall behind the rest; he didn’t want any part in this. 

 The guy, Richie was his name, rolled his eyes at them. “What’s it like being Lord of the ignorants? Will you need me to tutor you again, Thatcher? Will you start begging me to -”

 Thatcher’s fist cut him off. It wasn’t a real punch, Dan knew. Thatcher could do a lot more damage if he wanted to, but he seemed conflicted. 

“You have no right to speak to us like that. If you do it again, you will regret it.”

 Richie sighed in defeat. He suddenly looked much older. Dan felt like crying, but he didn’t - he couldn’t. Richie stared into his eyes with unshed tears; as if he knew. He knew that Dan was just like him, but he was also a coward. Someone who would rather be with the bullies instead of being their victim. 

 It was true, but he was their victim too, just in a different way. Richie wiped some blood from his lip and looked at it as if it was a foreign object, then back at Dan. ‘Aren’t you going to do anything?’ his eyes pleaded, but Dan just lowered his head.

 He felt as if the world was crashing down on him like a breaking wave, drowning him, suffocating him in the process, so he did what he usually did when nothing felt right: he ran. He turned around and exited through the back door. He could no longer keep the tears from falling; he was such a piece of garbage. He ran until his lungs felt like they were about to explode. Oh, he was going to be in so much shit for bailing, he was going to be found out, he was - 

 He reached the corner of the street and tried to set foot down on the pavement but he found no support so he fell and fell and fell, into a never-ending dark pit, swallowing him whole.

 Dan jolted awake, his heart pumping in his chest, he was covered in sweat and could feel tear tracks on his cheeks. He sluggishly wiped them off with the back of his hand and tried to calm himself with a breathing exercise. He looked to the right where  Phil laid at his side, undisturbed, and smiled.

 The sunlight coming in through the window formed something like a halo around him. Dan’s smile deepened as he examined Phil’s face - the face of the man that had been his companion for eleven years now. He saw their entire story on Phil’s face, in the signs of ageing he loved so much. The stray grey hair, the smile lines, they spoke of so many adventures, arguments, laughs and love; they reminded Dan of their history together, their history as partners, as best friends. 

 Phil pouted in his sleep and Dan’s heart swelled in his chest. He was so in love with him, even to this day. There was no other way to describe Phil than as his soulmate. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the remnants of the nightmare gradually fading from his memory. 

 Dan shuffled closer to Phil and placed his head on his shoulder, softly running his nose against Phil’s neck and breathing in his scent. He smelled like home. 

 Phil started to stir, unconsciously pulling Dan closer to his chest with a hum. Dan kissed Phil’s neck, causing him to finally crack one eye open and look at him questioningly. Dan just kept running his fingers through his chest hair, absentmindedly tracing little patterns without a notice. 

 Phil smiled and closed his eyes again, scrunching his face at the sunrays blinding him. “Mmm?”

 “Good morning,” Dan whispered. 

 “Morning.” He placed a kiss atop Dan’s head. “Why are you awake so early?”

 “Mmm. A dream.” He pulled at Phil’s chest hair a bit too hard, making him wince. “Or more like a nightmare… Bullies.”

 Phil frowned and held him a little tighter. “Dan, you know they can’t get you anymore.”

 “I know.” He sighed.

 “Wanna tell me about it?”

 “I guess it was how things could have gone if I’d been able to pass as straight as a teenager. That was everything I wanted, to just fit in.” 

 Phil hummed in acknowledgement. “Did they still bully you?”

 “No, I wouldn’t say they did, but they did something worse.”

 Phil stayed silent, giving Dan the time to process what he wanted to say. 

 “I was weak. They pressured me into being like them. They bullied my friend, Richie. In the dream, he wasn’t my friend, but he was gay and he knew I was too. He looked at me when Thatcher punched him.” Dan’s voice quivered; he suddenly felt like crying again. He allowed himself a moment to breathe. “He was pleading with his eyes, asking me for help and I did nothing.”

 Phil ran his hand up and down Dan’s arm comfortingly. “You wouldn’t have been like them, Dan. You know that, I know you do.”

 “How do you know? How can you be so sure?” Dan lifted his head and looked into Phil’s eyes.

 Smiling, Phil laced their fingers together. “Dan, I know you. We’ve been together for over ten years. I know you better than you know yourself.”

 Of course, Dan settled back down without replying. He wanted to deny that. He knew that Phil was right, but part of him always told him that he was not as great as people seemed to think, that he was just a great pretender. 

 But Phil pulled him away from that thought process right away. “Why do you think you had that dream?”

 The sunlight shined through the room, reflecting off of their sparkly nicknacks. Colourful circles danced on the far wall, vibrant shapes and patterns that created the illusion of a magical world. Dan kept running his fingers through Phil’s chest hair and followed the lights with his eyes. 

 “I guess writing about my childhood brought some memories back, and some doubts too,” he finally said. He hadn’t actually thought about it. His mind had been a bit more prone to … distress since he dived into his past and his mental health. 

 “Yeah, that would do it.”

 “Yeah,” Dan smiled softly, closing his eyes and placing a kiss on Phil’s chest. 

 “So it’s not because you think you actually would have been like that,” Phil pushed.

 “No, it’s not,” Dan said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

 Phil cupped his cheek and guided his chin up, pressing a kiss to his lips, his jaw, his dimples, his eyelids. Dan sighed and allowed himself to be loved, to feel happy and supported. Nobody could take this away from him. He was safe now.

 --

 The hail smashed against the window of his 35th floor office, Dan looked out into the London sky with a heavy sigh. He had managed to push through university somehow, graduate at the top of his class and become a Senior Partner by 30. 

 He loved his career, he really did: the competitive aspect of it, the debate, and helping people. Sometimes he could even go as far as to say that he was happy, but most days he felt merely content. 

 Everyone had praised him for having so much drive and ambition, which was, in great part, the reason for his success, but sometimes he didn’t want any of it. 

 He had achieved what most people would want in life: A career, success, money, a loving boyfriend; but when he got home, when he crossed that door, he wanted to leave it all behind. He didn’t want to be a lawyer or discuss laws, or his cases, of the state of the world. He only wanted to be Dan; just Dan.

 He got on his Porsche and not five minutes later he was parked in front of his beautiful home. Then, he pushed the alarm button, locking it for the night and with the twist of a key, he was inside. 

 He removed his shoes by the door with a sigh and the noise of the TV coming from the lounge made him smile so he followed it. Richard sat on their sofa with his legs close to the side, gently moving his glass of wine in circles, letting the air mix with its contents. Dan walked up to him with a smile and cupped his cheek as he kissed his lips tenderly. “Hi,” he whispered against his boyfriend’s lips.

 “Hi,” Richard said immediately, letting his eyes return to the TV. “Why don’t you get changed? Dinner will be ready soon.”

 “Thank you, do you want to play Mario Kart while we eat?”

 Richard scoffed without even looking at him. “Dan, you know I do not like that sort of childish game and neither should you. You are a lawyer, and 30 years old at that. It’s time to grow up.”

 Dan’s smile vanished, he swallowed thick and his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. “Right.”

 Richard heard it in his voice before Dan could say anything, he stretched his hand towards Dan and Dan held his out as well. Richard laced their fingers and pulled him onto the sofa. “I love you, Dan. I just think it’s time to let all those childish things go. We’re adults.” He ran his fingers on Dan’s chin gently. “And you, my love, need a shave.”

 Dan frowned; he felt so lost. He wanted to run. He was fed up with all the constrictions, the responsibilities, the eternal office hours and society’s demands on how he should behave. He just wanted to be happy, even for a little while. Why wasn’t that allowed? Why didn’t he have the right to play videogames and wear stupid pyjamas and have fun? He let out a heavy sigh. He felt so drained all of a sudden; if he’d had any energy, he would’ve cried, but he put on a little smile instead. “Could you shave me?” He asked. 

 Richard smiled widely. “Of course, love. Go change and meet me in the bathroom.”

 Dan smiled a little wider and went into their bedroom. It was their little thing, Richard liked to take care of Dan and Dan took care of him too. Maybe he was right, maybe Dan needed to stop wasting time. 

 Dan grabbed his pizza themed pyjamas, but then he shook his head, choosing to put on his Armani pair instead. Then, he grabbed all of his dorky pyjamas and video games and went into the kitchen; he stood beside the rubbish bin for a minute, finally shoving them in before he could regret his decision. The anime would be next, but that was a task for another day.

 He let Richard shave him, lost in thought with his head resting back on the chair. “Do you ever think about switching careers?”

 Richard raised an eyebrow at him and continued slowly dragging the razor on his chin.“No, of course not. Why?”

 “Sometimes I think this is killing my soul, like I’m slowly wasting away.”

 Richard stilled his hands. “Don’t be silly! And what would you do?” He asked with a smile before continuing.

 “I don’t know. I used to act; I’ve always loved theatre and comedy… something related to art, I guess.”

 Richard clucked his tongue and rolled his eyes with an amused smile. “Of course,” he kissed Dan’s head. “Tell you what, if you still want to do that when we retire, I will support you. What do you think?”

 Dan sank in his chair feeling even more empty than before. “Yeah, you’re right.” In a way, he was always acting to be the version of him that everyone expected.

 He stayed up until 4 that night, watching stand up comedy specials and dreaming of a better life that would never come. Maybe achieving your dreams was not all that people made it out to be. He wished he would have allowed himself to make mistakes, but now it was too late. He should have dropped out when he got the chance. Now he was trapped.

 Trapped was the first word clearly standing out in the jumbled mess that was Dan’s thoughts when he woke up.  He opened his eyes and tried to focus on his surroundings. He felt paralyzed, unable to move a single muscle, and a dull feeling of panic enveloped him like a heavy blanket, suffocating him; it rested on his chest like a boulder and made it hard to breathe. ‘Is this sleep paralysis?’. He blinked repeatedly, trying to make sense of the situation, until his eyes finally found what he sluggishly identified as source of his predicament: A very cuddly, sleeping Phil. 

 He was draped over Dan almost completely, his arms tightly wrapped around him and one of his legs tangled in Dan’s.

 Dan tried to move his feet, but that only caused him pins and needles. Disrupted by the movement, Phil wrapped his leg over his and hooked his foot behind his knee.

 Unable to contain himself, Dan snorted. Even in his sleep, Phil wanted to stake his claim on him. Dan sighed - he really loved that silly goose. Unbeknownst to most, Phil was also a cover hogger, which often left Dan feeling cold and vengeful. 

 Taking advantage of Phil’s state, he did the only thing he could think of: he rolled them back onto Phil’s side of the bed and smiled. Now it was his turn to wrap himself around Phil tightly and enjoy the warmth, but he used the covers to shelter them both from the chilly morning air. 

 The first rays of sun peeked above the horizon and Dan couldn’t help but feel incredibly grateful that he had pursued his career with Phil at his side - Phil, his partner in crime, his number one supporter, his companion through life. They had been a great duo for so many years, allowing them to grow as a pair but also as individuals in a secure environment. Now they got to stand beside each other in support and pride. 

 Phil hummed in his sleep as Dan caressed his arms softly, feeling the texture of the hairs there. It felt rough but comforting, like the pavement under the palm after a fall, reminding him he was still alive - overall, it felt real. It reminded him that even though his life felt like a dream, like a fairy-tale someone had written about his life, that was not what it was. It was his reality, no matter how unbelievable it seemed. 

 He sighed. This is what he wanted now. Cuddles in bed with his boyfriend, a career in a field he truly enjoyed, he truly felt himself in, and respect from the people in his life. He had it all, and he was well aware that without Phil’s love, support and encouragement he never would have made it. “Thank you,” he whispered into the quiet of the room, the words building up in his throat and breaking free entirely without his consent.

 “Mm?” Phil mumbled, not opening his eyes, obviously still in his dreamland.

 “Nothing, go back to sleep.” Dan smiled.

 “K. Make me breakfast.” Phil requested, clearly still asleep. “Don’t - let the unicorn eat Norman.”

“Ok, I won’t,” Dan said, dropping a kiss to his chest and settling back to sleep with a sigh. 

 --

 A fine snowfall accompanied his trip through familiar streets, but even the delicate, white flakes did little to turn the scenery more pleasing. They couldn’t cover the piles of old snow at the side of the road, the dirt making them look like a brown slush that just served to make Dan’s inner child very sad. 

 He still remembered when his dad filled his room with artificial snow for his birthday and they had an amazing time playing in it; their laughter had woken up his mom and baby brother who had joined their games. Everything had been perfectly white, but no such luck today.

 Returning to the family home for christmas was always an emotional ordeal and this time was no different. 

 He sighed happily, wiping off the taxi window with his finger to be able to see out. He couldn’t wait to see them all. Once the car reached its destination, he paid the driver and dragged his suitcase out of the trunk. Before he could make it to the door, his dad stepped out, smiling widely and ready to take his suitcase - not without giving him a hug first, though.

 “Hello, son. How was the trip?” his dad asked, already dragging the suitcase to the door.

 Dan shoved his hands in his pockets to shield them from the cold and smiled. “It was good, thank you. Where’s Mum?”

 “In the kitchen with grandma. Adrian went for a run in the woods with Colin.”

 Dan shook his head fondly. “Same as usual then. Popsy? Watching the TV?”

 His Dad laughed. “Yes, I’m afraid.” 

 They made their way inside and shut the door behind them. Robert took the suitcase upstairs while Dan shook his granddad’s hand and went to the kitchen to greet the rest of the family and receive some hugs. He had been craving them more than ever lately. 

 “Oh, Daniel, it’s so good to see you. Come here,” his grandma said, opening her arms for a hug. 

 Dan hugged her tightly. “Hi, I missed you so much.” He never wanted to let go. It was silly, but he felt emotional at being able to see his family again after six months. 

 “That’s easy enough to solve, come visit more often!” his mum said, her arms stretched for an embrace already. 

 Dan hugged her and placed his chin atop her head. “Hi, mummy. How are you?” 

 “Quite well, my dear, but we were looking for someone to help us with the cookies!” she said, stepping away and rubbing his arm. 

 Dan sighed and rolled his eyes with an amused smile. “Ok, but I want real butter.”

 “Ok, she laughed. “It’s in the fridge, let it soften on the counter.” 

 Dan nodded and started to work on the recipe he had been taught so many years ago. At this point it was more a matter of muscle memory than thinking, so he relaxed into his baker role. 

 His grandma placed a hand on his arm trying to get his attention. “Daniel, how is this semester going? Did you get the extension you wanted on that paper?” 

 “No.” He smiled tightly. “Everything is going well. I need to improve some grades but I think I can manage to keep my score.” 

 His mum scoffed. “Of course you can, you always do.” 

 “Certainly, that’s why we never worry about you. How is that boyfriend of yours doing?” 

 “Thank you, grandma.” He kissed her temple. “He is doing well, he is working on his thesis so he will be spending the holidays on campus.” 

 The conversation slowly dissolved but they continued to work in an enjoyable silence. 

 Once the tray was in the oven, Dan finally decided to go back to his old room and flopped onto the bed. He huffed and sat back up, reaching for his suitcase and getting his laptop out. 

 He settled against the headboard and pulled up the latest video from his favourite youtuber, amazingphil. Phil was so gorgeous and fun and smart. Sometimes Dan wondered what would’ve happened if he had actually replied to him on twitter. Sending that dm had been risky enough, so he had dropped it immediately. Besides, he’d had a boyfriend at the time. There had been no reason to go looking for someone else; it wasn’t like Dan to do something like that.

 Dan pouted, ‘Would we have gotten along? What if we would’ve actually become boyfriends?’ He snorted. That was ridiculous. It’s not like someone famous like Phil was going to be interested in Dan, and he had to go to Uni anyway. Once he arrived at campus and settled in, he felt less lonely. It was at university that he opened his heart again and met his current boyfriend. He pressed his lips into a line thinking about the horrible breakup with the previous one. Dan didn’t even like to mention him by name so everyone called him “Voldemort.”

 ’Would Phil have cheated on me? Would have he broken my heart?’ 

 Dan left his computer on the bed beside him and laid down, looking around at the rainbow decorations, some put up by him, some added by his mum after he left. The pictures of them at Pride as a family were his favourites, he was tempted to bring them back to campus with him.

 He was already dreading going back. Oh, how he wished he would’ve stayed a happy child forever, but the older he got the more his loving family expected of him. He was the first child, pampered to no end, every opportunity at his fingertips, and they expected nothing but the best from him. They told him that often enough. 

 They didn’t demand it of him, they just expected it, out of love and support for him. In his family’s eyes, there was nothing wrong that Dan could do, and failing uni was one of those things. So many times during high school he had secretly pulled all nighters to keep his grades up, but now, at university, it was completely different. He felt like he was constantly trying to catch up but he never did. 

 Every single aspect of his life was crumbling, his grades, his health, his relationship and… his mental health. He didn’t have a reason to be sad, he knew that. So many kids wished they had what he’d had all his life, but he was still struggling. He was caving under the pressure, it was pathetic. 

 His boyfriend was going to break up with him, he could feel it coming. His family had been so disappointed when his highschool boyfriend dumped him right before Christmas, they had had to return his presents and all. And now, they had a family vacation coming shortly but it seemed like Dan couldn’t hold a man - or find the right one - he didn’t know anymore.

 His phone dinged, he checked the notification wearily. It was his boyfriend. “This is not working, Dan. I think we need to talk.”

 There it was. Of course, he waited until Dan was away to do this. Dan felt like he was hyperventilating and for a moment he thought that he was going to faint but instead, he started sobbing. Everything looked hazy but he could make out the water coming in from all the windows and doors flooding his room the more he cried. He was drowning in his own sorrows. He stood in an attempt to escape, but before he could even call for help, he found himself in a lake, kicking, trying to swim towards the surface, but he could never reach it. His lungs hurt more and more with every passing second. 

 “Dan? Dan!” a comforting voice called him, he swam to it. A ray of light broke through the water. 

 “Dan, wake up,” the voice whispered.

 Phil brushed his lips against Dan’s face. Dan was crying in his sleep so Phil shushed him and tried to chase the tears away, leaving a trail of kisses as he whispered: “As long as I’m here no one can hurt you.”

 Dan stirred awake and held onto him, continuing to sob so desperately it scared even himself. Sadness rested on his chest like a body of water, like he was trapped at the sombre bottom of the ocean, slowly but steadily getting crushed by the pressure. 

 “What’s wrong?” 

 Dan shook his head and kept on weeping, clutching at Phil for dear life, as if he was the anchor that kept himself from floating away, from sinking even further down into the darkness.

 “Dan, talk to me. Please, you’re worrying me.”

 “Sorry,” Dan tried to let out between his sobs. He struggled to get a grip of himself, to calm himself down, but it still took him a few minutes. 

 “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Phil pressed their foreheads together. 

 Dan swallowed, but nodded. “I had another dream.” He settled onto Phil’s chest, both for comfort and to avoid the piercing stare that only served to rile him up further. 

 “A nightmare.”

 “Mhm. I was home for christmas and everything was perfect.” 

 “That doesn’t sound too bad, what happened?” 

 “They loved me, and accepted me and they thought I was the smartest guy ever.” 

 Phil hummed but let him continue. 

 “In the end, the pressure became too much. Even the fact that they accepted my boyfriend turned into something else they could judge me on.” He sighed and finally met Phil’s eyes. “And the worst part was that I never messaged you back on twitter. We never met. I kept bouncing from one unhappy relationship to another.”

 Phil raised his eyebrows at him but said nothing. 

 “So this boyfriend started to break up with me over text -” 

 This time, Phil interrupted him. “Ouch.” 

 Dan smiled softly. “Yeah, so I started crying and my room flooded. Water kept coming in from everywhere and then it turned into a lake, so I tried to swim but I couldn’t. I was about to drown, but then you called me and I followed your voice. It was like a ray of sunshine flickering through the water.”

 Phil grinned and tightened his hold on Dan. “I knew you loved me. So, what does it mean?” 

 “I think it relates to the other dreams - or nightmares. In each of them I get things I wanted throughout my life so I end up in a very different place than I am right now.” 

 “Would that be so bad?” Phil asked him. 

 “Yes. Everything is as it should be. If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again. There is no life I would rather have than what we have right now.” 

 “I love you so much,” Phil said and kissed him oh so sweetly, their lips barely touching, just letting them rest on his with the weight of a feather. 

 “Love you,” Dan mumbled into the kiss. And he did, he really did. As long as he had Phil’s love and support, he had everything he wanted.