#part of me is still that scared 13-year-old kid. but things have gotten better and will continue to do so. I’ve become more than that.
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listening to tbp on loop… the end. is really getting me
^ the closest I can get to expressing the emotion this album makes me feel
#how I used to listen to it to cope with early-teenagehood trauma as it was happening. & now I’m distanced from it yet still trapped with it#sometimes I think I haven’t changed at all since I was 13 except for my fierce will to live. but in hindsight that was always there#I’m doing so much better now but better isn’t necessarily good yet#I’m still trapped within myself#not to mention trapped in dependence on the people who hurt me and (despite their love of me) will never accept me as myself#part of me is still that scared 13-year-old kid. but things have gotten better and will continue to do so. I’ve become more than that.#mossy’s musings#mossy doodles#image description in alt text#mcr#tbp#the end.#reaction images
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GET TO KNOW THE MUN [2.0!]
I did this previously on one of my old blogs, but that was four years ago and we need an update.
TAGGED BY: myself from four years ago @journalsauthored TAGGING:THE DASH
1. FIRST NAME: Max
2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I was born with one functioning eye. [same] I also share a birthday with the late great Robin Williams.
3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON: Still hella ace, so physical attraction ain't it. I'm drawn to kindness, compassion, and just a bit of pettiness. So basically my partner.
4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF: PASTA.
5. A FOOD YOU HATE: Peas are a crime against humanity. So is cilantro.
6. GUILTY PLEASURE: Japanese, Korean, and Thai Dramas.
7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Depends on the weather. Boxers, usually. [same]
8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS: Happily in a relationship. When I last answered this I had just gotten out of one with a TERF. I'm in a way better place now.
9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would absolutely go back in time to prevent myself from working with a narcissist who has recently accused me of stalking him??? When he traumatized me?? Gaslighting fr fr.
10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: So like-- to a handful of people. This answer is still the same, I'm energetic and entertaining but if someone touches me I will shriek.
11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: Back to the Future Part III. It’s my favorite [SAME STILL].
12. FAVORITE BOOK: Artemis Fowl. Not sure which in the series I love most but the original is dear to my heart. [addition] Cirque du Freak. The Darren Shan saga TIES.
13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: DOG ARMY. [same]
14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]:Oh shit. JackFord [feat @sonxflight, same], Hilson [with @downs1de, ConYuu [otp 5 ever], SakuSayo [solid ship], and DocClara [with @doctorbrown]
15. PIE OR CAKE: Pie. [same]
16. FAVORITE SCENT: Sandalwood and the Ocean. [same]
17. CELEBRITY CRUSH: Manny Jacinto. He’s all that and a bag of chips. [same, forever jason mendoza fanboy]
18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: The UK. Anywhere but the US. The Netherlands maybe?
19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT: Ambivert. I tend to respond to the types of folk around me. [same]
20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY: HAHAHAHA. No. But I DO have an intense response to jump scares. I’ve been banned from a few haunted houses because of it. [same, panic disorders go brr]
21. IPHONE OR ANDROID: iPhone. [same]
22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: Yes. OBSESSED with Palworld and Minecraft. I just love games where I can play with my frens and build cute shit. I once started a cult in a Minecraft RP server.
23. DREAM JOB: Stand Up Comedian [or just being recognized for my MAD improv skills]
24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: Give everyone I know ten thousand bucks and use the rest on myself. [same]
25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: Delores Umbridge. But you’re supposed to hate her. [same, also jkr coded]
26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: Undertale. I kinda moved away from it and it's populated by kids lately. I still chat about it with my friends, but I doubt I'll ever RP it again.
#;;ooc#tee hee#some of these answers are totally the same#others completely different#also a year and a half ago i met my partner and wow they've just been-- the best thing ever
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(hi im so sorry i wanted to just agree with a point you made and then wrote a full rant feel free to ignore me/delete this ask)
I definitely agree about the average age feeling like it's dropping (I also think that's just the Internet as a whole, coming from someone who literally got their first tumblr account at 11. also think it's because kids don't lie about their ages as much anymore, like I was lying until I was at least 15 and still vague about it until I turned 18) and part of me gets a little concerned by it? like yeah, I definitely showed interest in things like agere once I hit puberty age but most of my actual age regressing/dreaming I've only done since I was 16 when I had gotten past the initial wave of that
maybe it's the old age (I'm literally 18 lol) but I do worry when I see super young people in this community about the effects that regressing may have on them and their future development? or at least when I see 13-14 year olds post saying they're looking for cgs like I get so scared some weirdo is going to see it and use it as an opportunity to gain some power over them or gain their trust because the kid is too young to be able to realise what's happening
i hope it's alright for me to respond to this, just lmk if you want me to delete this reply
i feel a lot of what you're saying tbh. i still try to be understanding towards the super young folks, as i myself was super young when i first discovered the agere community, but idk. i was 12 at the time, but my situation was fairly odd compared to most folks (at that point i was already well into puberty, and there were times where i was involuntarily regressing from stress and trauma long before i knew what agere was, and finding the community helped me put a name to my experiences), so even then it's still hard to understand a lot of the youngest people in the community now, as the reasons for them getting into it are VASTLY different than any of my own. im only a couple months short of 18, and it never fails to shock me how old this stuff makes me feel :')
i DEFINITELY agree on the whole thing about worrying over possible issues with development and safety, though. i do feel like there's a (for lack of a better way to describe it) "honeymoon phase" for a lot of young teens discovering something like this that makes them happy and helps them cope, where they put a huge focus on it in a ton of aspects of their life, and that's something they just gotta get outta their system before they start to even things out. however, i definitely worry about development for kids who don't seem to learn how to balance agere with the rest of their life; any coping mechanism (including the healthy ones) can become unhealthy if it takes over your life in ways that cause repeated stress or harm, which seems to be the case for a lot of young folks discovering agere.
the whole cg safety thing is valid too. seeing so many 13-14 year olds giving out tons of personal info to strangers in hopes that they'll find a cg that they've never even talked to always makes me anxious. i don't think there's anything wrong with them wanting someone like that in their lives, and i think there are ways to kind of explore that while still staying safe, but the way people actually go about it is worrying. like... when i was young and discovering agere, at least there were plenty of adults in the community who made an effort to teach younger folks how to stay safe with stuff like this, but that doesn't seem to be as much of a thing anymore since the demographic has shifted to be so young as a whole and there are way more teens than adults. 2017-2018 was a very different time compared to 2023.
im sorry that this reply got so long, this whole thing has just been on my mind and it's nice hearing someone who at least understands part of what im saying
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Ductape and Superglue
Awesomest of Them All 2.0
Part 13 of 13
Word Count: 1607
Batman x Batmom!Reader
You know what the bat family needs? Someone to pull them together and give them all the love they deserve. Who better to do that than you? An author rising to stardom in Gotham who catches the eye of a billionaire with your standoffish attitude at a huge social gathering. You are yourself and never pretend to be more or less than that. Plus you're the most stubborn person in the world, refusing to let good things go without reason.
This is a rewrite of my story Awesomest of Them All, I wanted to see how much I've improved over 3 years.
Bruce got a call, one that he had never gotten before even if he had always dreaded it. A phone call during a Wayne Enterprises meeting from someone demanding money and sending a picture of you tied to a chair. You had that normal fire in your eyes in the picture and it was obvious you weren't hurt but still no one wants their wife held hostage and threatened with a gun or worse.
Tim looks over Bruce's shoulder at the photo on the phone screen. His heart leaps to his throat and he pulls out his phone, already working on figuring out where it is you are located from the little he can see in the picture. He and Bruce were here in a meeting it would only make sense to call the GCPD and not run out the door to get you to safety. Tim knows Bruce though, always thinking everything through except for when it came to you. He would do anything in the world to keep you happy and safe.
Tim's hand coming to rest on Bruce's upper arm pulls him back to the reality that is that he cannot run out the door to your rescue. "You call Alfred, I'll call the GCPD," that's all he says and that's all it takes to set things in motion.
Two phone calls are made and those lead to two more made by Alfred and Damian who he had just picked up from school. Alfred calls Jason and Damian calls Dick, they are the only ones who get notified in the moment to go get you but it's enough.
Cass is on a date with Steph, they're the next to get a phone call from Tim, just informing them of the situation but making it clear that they are not needed at the scene. Stephanie protests this and tries to claim that you'd need Spoiler's help as well. You were as much of a mother to her and Cass as any of the boys even if only Cass was officially adopted. In the end the two girls go to the Mansion to wait with Alfred and coordinate things from the cave with Babs who is there upon their arrival.
Damian liked to think he still disliked you and could barely tolerate you. But even if he wouldn't admit it he was more scared on your behalf than he had ever thought he'd be. Despite him being horribly rude to you, you had never been anything but nice even if your nice included sarcastic comments to prove your point. You had helped him learn what a family was supposed to be like.
Jason gets a call from Alfred and he is changed and out the door of his apartment before the call is over. You were his Ma and he was your Jaybear, and he wouldn't be letting you get hurt. Alfred was the one person you had given his phone number too even though he had told you to keep it a secret, but in this moment he was glad you had.
This leaves Dick, who had gotten a call from Damian, telling him the situation and that he would be joining him at the warehouse. Dick was with Babs at the mansion so the two head to the cave where Barbara takes over in the computer while Dick changes and hurries out the door to go get you.
Things seem like they're going smooth when the three boys arrive one shortly after the other. Jason is already in and picking off the men in the surrounding area and getting you out of the chair when Dick and Dami burst in and start taking out more guys. You're safe and that's all that matters to any of them.
But then there's that singular gunshot and all three of their hearts skip a beat. Damian sees you slide the rest of the way into the next room but the other two just see the door swing closed behind you. None of them know where you had been hit and if you were okay on the other side of that door. But they can't walk away from the fight in the middle of it. Once all the men are down Jason takes off too you, not giving Damian or Dick the chance and leaving them to tie the guys up.
"Mama?" Jason asks, slipping into old habits in his fear.
"Hey Jaybear, I'm fine, it's just my leg," you comfort him quickly but let him take care of your leg for you. You'll have to go to the hospital as it's the only proper thing to do but he stops the bleeding and gives you a tight hug.
The other two boys come in and you smile and comfort them, telling them all how proud of them you are. This gets interrupted by police sirens outside. You quickly shoo them away and let Bruce know you're safe, knowing your husband would want to come after you himself at this point but you were fine. You needed to let the police take you to the hospital and make all of this look somewhat normal and not like a family problem.
You spend a few hours at the hospital, getting stitches and a brace since the bullet had ripped through your muscles, leaving your leg weak. When they let you go they push you out in a wheelchair and give you a pair of crutches.
Media personnel try to crowd you and get answers for their many questions. You shut them up with one of your classic, "I'm fine now leave me alone to be with my family or you will start your own newspaper to post stories about them and slowly put them out of business." It was a good threat that worked every time. If it didn't work then you just added in the idea of getting photos of their butts to add to the articles, titling it "the asses of Gotham"
You choose to spend the early evening watching movies on the couch with your family. Cass and Steph take their own chair to cuddle in, same with Dick and Babs. This leaves you to cuddle with Bruce and Tim and surprisingly Damian sits next to you, kicking Tim out of his normal spot meaning you had no choice but to sit in Bruce's lap so the boys can both sit next to you.
Alfred wished you well upon your arrival home, then returned to make dinner for all of you even if you tried to tell him to just order pizza. "No, miss Wayne, you were shot today and need a healthy meal," he responds much to your annoyance with him calling you miss, as though you were a child and your parent had called you by both your first and middle name.
All of you aren't far into the movie when you get interrupted by Jason entering the family room. You light up at the sight of him and before Bruce can stop you you're out of his lap and over Jason wrapping him in a hug. How you made it that far without falling due to torn ligaments no one knew but you were now in Jason's arms and he could keep you steady. You make him lean over so you can kiss his forehead before you make him come sit on the couch where you had been.
When he tries to object you give him that stern mom look and he obediently comes and sits next to you, and Damian on the opposite end of the couch from Bruce. Things definitely were tense between the two but you don't care, it's a start.
You finally have your whole family back under one roof for the moment. Your four boys, one girl and two unofficial girls. You loved every single one of them so much and were so glad that you were all together again. They all knew how much you loved them, and how you took time for each of them, the only reason Jason was getting extra attention was because he had been gone for so long.
It had hurt so very much when he had suddenly been taken from you. The pain of loosing a child wasn't anything you plus bear even if you had had too for years. You all share a nice dinner together then because you had all spent so much time together Bruce insisted that the city would be fine for the night with just the kids and that he needed to stay and make sure you were taken care of.
For the first time in a long time things were relatively peaceful for your family, even if you had a leg wound. You had them all together and would now be able to work with Jason and Bruce on their relationship and getting it back to a less tense father son relationship. Damian was finally truly giving you a chance. Dick was on good terms with Bruce, and he was happy with Babs, even talking about marriage in the future. Tim was helping Bruce run the company and he was brilliant at it, plus he seemed truly happy for the first time in his life as he had recently started officially dating Conner. This just left Steph and Cass who were about to graduate high school and were looking at apartments, planning to move in together despite almost already doing so since Stephanie always seemed to be at the manor. It wasn't a typical life but you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
The End... idk
#bruce wayne#bruce wayne x you#bruce wayne x reader#bruce wayne x y/n#Batman#batman x you#batmom#batmom reader#batfam x batmom#batman x batmom#batman x batmom!reader#batfam#batfam x you#batfam x y/n#batfam x reader
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My Little Brothers revenge Part 1
My little brothers revenge
The Hickman's were for the most part a average middle class family. both the parents worked and they had two children.
A 12 year old named Justin who had natural blond hair in a brush cut though he currently had it dyed indigo blue to go with his icy blue eyes. He had a jock's build (well as much as one could have at that age) and wasn't scared to use his physical power to his advantage.
his little brother Alex was short for his age and was always being mistaken for a 6 year old or worse when he was 9 and a half. He had red hair that went down to his shoulders and he kept in a pony tail and his checks were sprinkled with freckles.His slim body meant he was last to be picked for any sports though unlike his brother he was a strait A student and actually sometimes had to help his older brother with his homework, a fact that neither of them enjoyed.
It was their mother Anne (who Alex took after in appearance) who insisted that he help his big brother and it always ended with Justin pissed off and Alex hanging from a bed post by his sponge bob underoo's.
Their father who Justin took after in appearance refused to believe his little all star could be such a bully and so it was usually left to Alex to figure out a way to hold his own or go and whine to their mother, getting him labeled a mama's boy.
Still all brothers fight, it was just a fact of life and it might of all just gone this way with them being a semi happy family till the day the bully of a big brother took things a step too far and Alex decided that Justin had to be put in his place once and for all.
Alex had been hanging out with his friends Saturday afternoon, playing video games in the living room and having semi pissed off Justin who had wanted to watch a movie with HIS friends.
But mom and dad made sure that the TV time was shared and that both boys got a block of time and with their parents just down the block, Justin knew better then to try and strong arm them out.
Said friends were Kyle and Lyle, twins from down the block who had a semi creepy habit of finishing each others sentences and had light caramel skin and black hair in matching mushroom cuts. it was easy enough to tell them apart as by a semi quick of fate Lyle had brown eyes while Kyle had green.
Missing in action because he'd gone fishing with his dad was Max, anther shrimp who had dirty blond hair in a short Mohawk (his attempt to look cool which had backfired) and was so white he looked pale most of the time.
being shrimps themselves they had hit it off well with Alex and had formed a semi losers club of sorts, though Alex wasn't found of the name the twins who loved anything Steven king had insisted and he was out voted 2 to 1 since Max had joined the group after.
the boys were doing a retro gaming session of sorts, playing downloaded old games on a new machine and the game of choice for the moment was Ninja turtles two.
"Man, this game is so bad.." Lyle spoke up, playing as Leonardo.
"That it's almost good!" Kyle finished and was playing as Ralph.
"heh, that the fun part of these old games..you know they were giving it their all but just were limited." Alex said.
all three of them were seated on the hard wood floor of the living room though they had spread out a blanket since despite the chill of the October air his parents had refused to turn on the heat yet.
the twins nodded and Alex went to say something else when he hear the booming footsteps of his brother then a familiar stink hit his nose.
'No way, he wouldn't!' Alex thought.
"Hey Little Alexandra, Didn't mom tell you to toss out your pissy wet diapie when you got changed this morning? It's bad enough your a bed wetter, do you have to leave your soggy huggies around?" Justin asked.
and indeed Justin was holding out a totally soaked Spider-man print diaper in front of him, holding it with just a finger and his thumb and holding his nose.
Behind him were his friend Adam (Nicknamed grizz or grizzly because of his girth and wildly unkempt brown hair) and Rayne, actually a year younger then the other two but a head taller and so very, very much stupider. Rayne kept his head shaved because he thought it made him look more like the pro wrestlers that he so so loved.
"is that-" Lyle asked, pausing the game and turning to look.
"-A diaper?" Kyle finished, raising a eyebrow.
"JUSTIN! Mom told you not show people those! and I DID toss it out!" Alex huffed and whined, his cheeks going crimson then adding. "And DON'T call me Alexandra!"
"Whatever you say pamper pisser. Look, I went to go into our room to get something and was assaulted by the stink of your bed wetter pants." Justin said and then tossed the soggy thing at Alex, hitting him in the face and knocking him over.
the truth was Alex KNEW he'd tossed the diaper out this morning, he wasn't allowed to toss his very much needed bed time diapers out in the house trash because Dad and Justin would raise a fuss about it stinking up the house and he'd had to wait five minutes because the paper boy had stopped to talk to Mr. Johnson next door.
"JUSTIN GROSS!" Alex whined and sat up, whining and now smelling like stale pee.
"Whatever dork, go and toss your diaper out then take a shower..me and the guys are gonna start our movie early. Wonder twins, I'm sure you don't wanna stick around and hang out with a pamper packer like my little brother right?" Justin said.
"Hey! Leave him alone!" Lyle huffed and went to put a supportive hand on Alex's shoulder, but then pulled it back.
he was with his friend but that didn't mean he wanted to get any of the ick on him.
"What he said! Everyone matures differently! Heck, Lyle only just stopped needing a night light this year!" Kyle said, then pout his hands over his mouth as his brother glared at him.
"...Pfffftt BWHAHAHAHAHA!" all three big bullies broke into gut busting laughter.
"I'm not the one who has to suck on a pacifier during thunder storms!" Lyle shot back and blew a raspberry at his twin who huffed and glared.
the bullies naturally were loving it as the twins only dug themselves in deeper and Alex just face palmed.
"Guys, you're NOT helping yourselves." He pointed out.
"Oh my god, it's a group of BABIES! No wonder they all get along!" Grizz laughed, slapping his leg.
"I bet their next sleep over is gonna have them in a crib." Rayne added.
"Alright pamper packers, out of the living room, this movie is PG 13 and I don't want you all blorting your pants when something scary happens. Wonder twins, get your asses home. Alexandra, go take a shower AFTER you toss out your pissy diaper." Justin said, unable to believe just how well all of this had worked out.
"Whatever jerk.." Alex huffed and got up.
he saw his friends off though the twins were still semi huffing and fighting, shoving each other as the walked away and Alex got his wet diaper tossed out without anyone seeing him.
as he went upstairs and got his shower ready one thing was on his mind.
'This means war. I'm gonna make him feel EXACTLY how embarrassing being seen in diapers around your fiends is.' Alex vowed to himself.
Ok, he had no idea HOW he was going to do so, but while Justin may of won the first battle, it was going to be Alex who won the war and prove his Brain's out did his brother brawn.
The movie was going about as well as could be expected since they had to keep pausing it to have anther laugh at just how dorky Alex and his friends were.
Of course Rayne and Grizz had known for awhile (even if Justin technically wasn't suppose to of told them) about Alex being a diaper filler. (and he might of exaggerated what all Alex used his diapers for)
Maybe a SMALL part of Justin had felt sorry for Alex being humiliated like that in front of his friends, but Grizz had actually come up with the idea and he didn't wanna look like a pussy in front of the guys.
Besides with it coming out that the twins were just as big of dorks as his little brother any real guilt had vanished and he toyed with the idea of dragging out Alex's old play pen out of the basement for the next time he had all his dorky friends over.
'heh, get some pacifiers to shut'em up..put them all in Alex's diapers and take lots of pictures. boom, homework and chore bitches till I graduate.' Justin thought with a smirk and chuckled.
"what's so funny? Oooo and I know that look. Someone's had a evil thought." Grizz asked.
"Heh.. How would you guys feel about making some diapered nerds do our homework for us?" Justin asked.
"well, could be funny, but where are we gonna find some?" Rayne asked.
"..." Grizz roiled his eyes
"...Rayne buddy just smile and listen." Justin said semi sweat dropping.
"I can do that!" Rayne said with a big toothy grin.
Shaking his head Justin started to explain his evil plan, and his friends laughed and chuckled, and were MORE then on board.
Getting out of the shower and drying off, Alex got dressed in a pair of black jogging pants and a t-shirt then sat on his bed with his laptop.
He tried different google searches trying to figure out just how to get his brother back in diapers but for the most part it ended up giving him story link's that he bookmarked to look over later and see if there was anything usable.
He did find a forum called little brothers revenge and it had some really wicked ideas for the most part, but only two threads popped up when he searched for diaper.
the first one was clearly bull with it talking about how this kid had pooped in a diaper and hide it in his big brothers room and gotten the big brother in trouble (and even if it wasn't, Alex would hold off crapping himself as a weapon of last resort.)
the other thread was old, and had been posted just before Christmas of last year and had a little brother talk about how he had set his brother up to look like he wanted diapers for Christmas and his dad had fallen for it, and so had the rest of the family.
Of course there was a lot of disbelief in the read over that and one guy commented 'pics or your full of shit!'
As Alex scrolled down, he pretty much thought the same but then his jaw dropped as there was a picture of a sleeping boy, in a t-shirt and thick diapers and sucking on a paci and a younger boy was in frame too, it was a semi selfie and was smirking and giving the peace sign. the caption under the picture read 'Believe me now bitches?'
"Hoooly shitttttt." Alex said, this guy was his hero!
he didn't seem to be activate on the forum anymore though, there were a bout a dozen replies and a few more comments from the guy but then he vanished.
his user profile did have a e-mail attached to it and so Alex snagged it and went to write the guy a e-mail.
From: [email protected]
Subject: DUDE YOUR MY HERO!
Hey just wanted to say, I saw your post on Little brothers revenge and wanted to say how awesome that was and also I was wondering if you had any advice or tips on getting a big brother in padding. mine's being a total butt hole lately and just ugggghhh @_@
I had one idea about maybe like peeing on his bed after he gets up to frame him for bed wetting, what do you think? hope to hear from you soon!
E-mail written Alex clicked send and then went to kill some time play a few games online, never once suspecting that while he was trying to plot his big brother diaper doom, he was likewise plotting out Alex's downstairs.
It was a hour latter when Alex heard the ding that told him he'd gotten a reply and he switched tabs to go and take a look.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:DUDE YOUR MY HERO
Heh, thanks for the high praise though I gotta warn you, first of all this is something you've gotta be reallllly careful with. Diaper humiliation is a double edged sword, trust me. Had a friend named Ken who tried this and now he's in diapers.
Anyways just taking a leak on your big bro's bed is dumb, you'll get busted for sure! what I'd recommend is making use of laxatives and pee pills in increasing doses till he's wetting his pants all the time and blorting them too. It's a longer game but better results.
what made you wanna get his butt back in diapers anyways, and FYI i expect 'baby pictures' when your plan works.
Alex thought about that for a second and couldn't help but wonder if maybe this 'ken' was really Ben, but pushed that thought out of his head as he started to write his reply.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:DUDE YOUR MY HERO!
Oh well, I'm a bed wetter and the butt hole went and fished one of my soggy diapers out of the trash and threw it at me while I was hanging out with my friends, trying to say i never tossed it out. so trust me, he totes has this coming.
I really got nothing to lose if I get busted since I'm in huggies every night so I'll try out your plan. it works out because he likes to make me get him drinks and snacks.
as for the picture of him once he's back in huggies heh, sure. thanks for the advice and I'll let you know when the plan starts to work.
E-mail sent Alex closed his e-mail and his game tab then went searching online for the best med's to get to reduce his brother to a helpless pants wetting stinker, only to pause after a few minutes recalling that Max had gotten in trouble awhile back for causing a series of messy accidents around school.
'nggggh..no way he'll be back yet though. I'll go and talk to him tomorrow.' Alex thought and set his laptop aside and laid back on his bed, thinking about just how much fun he was gonna have and ended up conking out.
which was unfortunate as he hadn't put on one of his spider-man diapers and with in ten minutes a wet patch was starting to grow on the front of his jogging pants, which while the dark color would hide it, the tan covered blanket he was laying on wouldn't.
"So when do you think we can do this?" Grizz asked.
the movie was basically forgotten but had been kept on to cover up their voices on the off chance Alex came downstairs (Small chance of that) or if their parents came back early.
"Welll that's the tricky part. I have to have all four of the dweebs here AND have my parents gone. they're going on a weekend trip in about 2 weeks though so I'll try and convince the dweeb to get the loser's club all over here." Justin said.
Rayne, who had just shut his mouth like he'd been told to raised his hand like he was in class.
"heh, Yes Rayne?" Justin asked.
"Aren't they into that dice game, Dragons and prison or whatever?" he asked.
"..Dungeons and dragons, yeah." Justin chuckled.
"Same difference. anyways, say you've been reading up on it and wanna try your hand at hosting a game, but just want them over before you embarrasses yourself in front of us.Most nerds I know love to play and will jump at the chance." Rayne said and smiled.
"Sweet fucking cthulhu. Rayne had a good idea." Grizz chuckled and to patted the bigger boys head. "good boy!"
Rayne beamed and was clearly proud of himself and Justin chuckled.
"Ok, I'll just have to learn enough about this nerd stuff to fake it and get them over. you guys will have to be ready to help though, I don't wanna risk one of the losers getting away." Justin said nodding.
"Hey, as long as I don't have to change any shitty asses I'm in." Grizz said.
"Wait, your gonna make them USE the diapers?" Rayne said and then laughed lots. "Gross!"
"Heh, well the best blackmail is a sobbing little brat in a stinky diaper blackmail. no way the dweeb will risk him in all his smelly glory ending up ALL over town."
"Man, I am glad your not MY big brother." Rayne said, never mind the fact Justin was pretty sure if he tried anything on the semi giant he'd be the one in huggies.
"Eh, No worries. you'd be a awesome little bro. Now all we need to do is go and pick the perfect pampers for them."
"Oh, I got it! There's this discount store my mom drags me to because they have her cream of wheat and other junk she likes cheap, but they got in a shipment of over night diapers for big kids, boys and girls. the boys has rockets and stars on them and are blue." Grizz said, setting up the best part.
"Oh, this is gonna be good." Justin smirked.
"the girls has unicorns and rainbows and are pink!" Grizz finished and cackled.
Plans set for his brother's diapered humiliation, the boys finally turned they're attention back to the movie.
After the movie it was getting late and so Justin sent the guys home as technically speaking they weren't suppose to be over, only him or Alex could have friends over for the most part if mom and dad weren't home. (Weekend vacations were the exception, though their folks made it clear the house had been be clean when they got back)
Whoever had their friends over was also suppose to clean up after them and after a chip fight in the living room Justin smirked, knowing he could get Alex to clean the mess up, since it would be Alex and his friend getting blamed for the mess.
Of course Justin usually made Alex clean up after him and his friends anyways but that always took a little bit more effort in the form of using the dorks undies to bounce him like a yo yo if he didn't listen.
He toyed with leaving Alex sulking in their room where he been since the shower and just letting the dweeb get in trouble but since it was Justin's turn to start dinner so it'd be ready and he didn't feel like cooking, he had to get Alex downstairs anyways to be a good little chore bitch.
"This will be SO much easier once I have the blackmail on him." Justin sighed to himself as he made his way up the stairs to the boys shared bedroom.
Opening the door he went to go and say something but was hit by the stench of piss and a quick look confirmed the little bed soaker had gone night night without a pamper on.
"Hey dork face! wake up! you pissed the bed!" Justin said in a loud voice.
"Ngggh a gigi boo..Five more minutes mommy.." the still mostly asleep dweeb said, trying to shoo Justin away.
"heh, baby talk? really? Wow, just when I think you can't lower the bar any more Little bro.. ALEXANDRA! WAKE UP!" Justin said then cupped a hand to his mouth and yelled.
Alex jumped sort in bed then sat up, eyes wide and panting, looking around.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" He growled once he locked eyes on Justin."ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!"
"No, but you had a wetting attack dork." Justin said and pointed.
Alex went to say something then looked down and went from pissed off to blushing and tried to cover himself up.
"Ah crap crap crap crap!" Alex whined and got up off the bed.
this was NOT good. not good at ALL! Dad was already riding him on the bed wetting and if he found out Alex had soaked the bed from a little nap he would NOT hear the end of it, or worse, dad would make him wear ALL day tomorrow!
"Ah..ah..Justin big brother who I love ever so much.." Alex started, swallowing and trying to put on his best 'I'm so cute help me' faces.
"Save it dweeb. I'll keep my mouth shut about your little..well BIG accident as long as you go and be a good little chore bitch and get the living room cleaned up and start supper." Justin said and leaned on the door frame, a evil smirk on his face.
Considering his options Alex just hung is head and then did a small nod.
"Butttt to show you I'm not totally heartless..I got some clothes that need to be washed so you can do them and wash your sheet at the same time as a cover up. I know, my kindness knows no bounds. just be thankful mom got you that rubber sheet or you'd be going to sleep in a soggy bed tonight." Justin said and laughed.
'gee he's all heart. letting me do his landry and clean up AND cook.. ' Alex thought but it WAS better then trying to explain the sheet alone.
"Yeah ok.." He said finally and went to strip stripping the bed.
"ah ah ah, what do you say to your kind and wonderful brother for helping you out?" Justin said, milking this for all it was worth.
'He has to be..ok no, I know him better then that.. just keep digging your grave jerk.' Alex thought then took a deep calming breath.
"Thank you for letting me do your landry big brother." he said, clenching a fist.
"Anytime dork. not get to it, you don't have a whole lotta time. my clothes are in the hamper in the bathroom." Justin said and started to walk away, then poked his head back in. "Oh and dweeb? next time don't forget to put on your diapies when your going for your afternoon nap."
and with that he walked off laughing.
"...I'm SO going to enjoy getting him in diapers." Alex huffed.
Changing into a pair of clean spider-man shorts and a captain America t-shirt, Alex got the load of landry started and then went to work cleaning up the living room while keeping a eye on the time.
the chips were everywhere and every time he though he was done he'd spot some more and wondered how much the three bullies had actually managed to get in their stupid fat mouths.
Between the cleaning and getting landry switched over he didn't have time to make anything too special so he went with the old stand by of making macaroni and cheese with hot dogs as it was quick and simple and his parents never really expected Justin to go all out when he was cooking anyways.
Dinner was ready and the landry was finished by the time their parents got home, Alex just had to go and get it out of the dryer but he figured he'd have time to do it stealthy after eating.
"So, what did you boys do for fun today?" Dad asked as they were sitting at the dinner table, a small grimace on his face at the prospect of eating the old stand by.
"Oh well-" Alex started by Justin cut him off.
"It was pretty much same old same old for me, went out and played some football with the guys and had fun. Came back though and I think The twins brought over some super sugar loaded snacks or something because Alex and them where have a chip fight and trashed the living room. it was cute though." Justin said and smirked, winking at Alex who's jaw hung open.
"Alex, you didn't!" Mom signed and shook her head. "After supper you'll be cleaning up the living room!"
"Oh don't worry about it mom, I know little guys like him just need to get it out of their systems. after the twins went home he was super pooped though, think it was a sugar crash so let him go and take a nap and I cleaned up the living room." Justin lied.
"Well that was was nice of you Justin, but in the future leave the cleaning for Alex to do." Dad said and shook his head at Alex. "Alex, we've talked about this."
Alex for his part was stuttering now, trying to think of a way to prove his innocence without getting scolded but first shots had been fired by Justin and there was nothing he could do now.
"Alex did you say thank you to Justin for cleaning up after you?" Mom asked and her tone made it clear if he hadn't she expected him to now, but again Justin spoke up.
"Oh, he's already thanked me for something else. see somebody was just SO sleepy when he went for his nap that he forgot to get his bed wetter pants on and well, Let's just say it's a good thing I had to do a load of landry anyways." Justin said as Alex,'s jaw dropped.
"Y-You said..you.." Alex stammered.
"Alex! what have I told you about not going to sleep without one of your diapers on?" Dad asked in a sharp tone.
"N-Not to do it again or..or.." Alex whined, looking down and feeling ready to cry.
this wasn't fair! he'd done everything Justin had asked him too and he was still gonna get punished!
"Or you'll be spending the next day in your diapers all day. Now I was hoping NOT to have to use that punishment but clearly you've left me no choice. you can still use the potty of course, in fact I encourage it, but you WILL be in diapers all day tomorrow." Dad said.
His tone left no room for argument and feeling hot tears start to slid down his cheeks Alex looked down at his bowl of food and sniffled.
"Yes sir."
After supper Justin offered to do the dishes if Alex would go and get the landry out of the dryer, but mom said since Justin had already cleaned up after Alex, made supper and did the landry for the most part he could go and relax and watch TV with their dad while Alex got the landry out and folded it.
Justin smiled and kissed his mom's cheek and asked if she was sure, but she insisted and so he went and plopped down on the couch, ready to watch some hockey with his dad and giving Alex a shit eating grin as the huffy and tear stained cheek dork started to stomp his way up the steps till dad called for him to knock it off unless he wanted to go to bed early.
'Oh my god. this worked out even better then I could of hoped! Mom and Dad are just too easy!' Justin thought, having to bite his tongue every so often to keep from laughing.
the dweeb had done all the work and yet here he was sipping on pop and munching on chips with their dad while the dork was off folding his undies and was gonna be a crinkle butt the next day.
'It'll be a nice little preview of whats to come.' Justin thought and let out a little chuckle despite himself.
"what's so funny?" Dad asked.
"Oh, just thinking of how silly Alex and his friends looked this after noon. they were like sugar crazed toddlers." Justin lied.
"heh, Next time you should try and get a video of it, I bet it looked cute." Dad chuckled.
Upstairs Alex was mentally cursing up a storm, pissed off and fuming like crazy as he folded pair after pair of his brothers skid marked undies.
'Son of a bitch! son of a bisket eating bitch! I'm not just gonna get him in diapers, I'm gonna make him the biggest dumbest big baby loser of all time! I'm gonna have him in the halls of his school in nothing but huggies and a bib and bonnet!'
of course a small part of Alex knew that going that far likely wasn't gonna be possible, it was a warm thought that helped him keep from just having a melt down fit that would of gotten his bun's blistered and him put to bed before it was even 8 pm.
He should of know better then to think that Justin was gonna hold up his end of the deal, or he should of spoken up about getting the landry done but nope. He'd trusted his big brother and was paying the price for it now in spades.
'And now I have to wear a diaper all day tomorrow..Maybe I'll wait till Monday to go and talk with Max.' Alex thought.
it would mean putting his plans on hold for a bit but he really didn't wanna waddle the block and a half over to Max's with pampers on under his pants.
Finishing up the folding and putting the clothes away Alex checked to make sure that his rubber sheet was dry and tugged in his blanket he'd hung out the window to dry (as it would of taken up too much room in the machines to do Justin's landry too) and with it dry he started to make his bed.
'God, what did I ever do to deserve a asshole like him for a big brother.' Alex whined mentally and finished making his bed, looking it over and then jumping and letting out a girlish shriek as a hand came on his shoulder.
"heh, Relax sweetie, it's mommy." Came his mother voice, sounding a little amused.
"That's ok, I didn't need that heart." Alex huffed, blushing and turning around to face his smirking mother. "what's up mom?"
"Well I wanted to come up and check on how the folding was going and to help you get ready for bed." She said with a smile.
"...Mom it's not even 8 yet, and it's a Saturday night.." Alex said, not liking where this was going.
"Oh You can stay up and everything till 11 like normal, but I just wanna make sure you don't conk out with your 'special armor' on." she said, using finger quotes.
"Mom I think I'm quite capable of putting my own diaper on." Alex huffed, feeling a hot blush cover his face.
"And yet you soaked your bed earlier." She cheerfully pointed out.
"T-That was different, I was just all tired and didn't realize I'd be conking out!" Alex whined, sounding more like a fussy toddler the the big kid he was trying to be.
"I know sweetie, but it kinda goes with my point. what if you just conk out again tonight? do you really wanna have to go to school on Monday in a diaper?" She asked, and the ruffled his hair.
The mental image of it stopped Alex's whining in it's tracks, picturing himself in a bib and spider-man diaper and sucking on a paci in the halls.
"No way! I'd Dieeeee!" Alex whined and shook his head no A LOT.
"well then let mommy help you out. And also if your gonna keep being so tired maybe we'll lower your bedtime for awhile." She added, then smirked and winced at the glare Alex gave her. "Now now, no using your super pouty powers on family."
"Moooom!" Alex huffed but resigned himself to his fate, when she got like this there was no getting her to back down.
He reached under his bed and pulled out his pack of spider-man diapers and noted that he was running low, and started to tug down his shorts when mom spoke up.
"Oh Alex, before we get your in your bed time diaper, do you have to use the potty?"
"mom, I know I wet the bed but I THINK I would know if had to take a leak or a dump you kn-" Alex started and then there was a loud 10 second poot out of his bottom and his tummy was gurgling.
"You were saying?" Mom asked, holding her nose but smirking."
"I-I'll be back.." Alex said in a small voice, blushing SO bad as he went past her he was shocked his hair hadn't caught on fire.
As she watched him go and had to fight the urge laugh, the little guy's undies had a fresh skid mark appearing on the back.
'Maybe I should look into getting him some of those washable training pants.' She mused.
One trip to the potty later and with Alex realizing what's he'd almost done in his undies, and the fight was all out of the little guy at least for the moment.
Zero fight was put up as he let his mom take his shorts and briefs and then proceed to diaper him, numbly just going along with her requests of butt up and the like.
"Are you sure your feeling alright? Maybe I should of checked your temperature before getting the diaper on." Mom asked, putting a hand to Alex's forehead.
"N-No I'm fine..just I dunno, Tired." Alex said, wincing.
he had to be the only boy his age to still get his temperature checked via the back door and it's wasn't that fun of a experience.
"Hmmm I think somebody better lay off of the sweets for awhile if it leaves you JUST drained after." Mom said and then started to tug Alex's blanket up on him.
"M-Mom what are you doing?" Alex whined, looking at the clock, it was 7:51 PM!
"I think you've had a big day, and your just not feeling that good. it would explain all the huffing and whining too. if you be a good boy and go night night for me now I'll see what I can do to get your father to back off with the all day diaper punishment tomorrow. I have to take you shopping for more diapers anyways with you almost being out and you get embarrassed enough as is when your in your undies."
Alex whined and whimpered a little but after a few seconds just signed and nodded.
"Good boy." She said and leaned down, kissing his forehead and then went and got one of his stuffie style Avengers from their display shelf and handed him Thor.
Lacking the energy to fight back Alex just took the offered stuffie and snuggled into it as his mom turned off the lights in the room and paused at the doorway.
"Night night little guy. Mommy will leave the door open a crack for you so you don't get scared. Love you and see you in the morning." She coo'ed/
"..Love you too mommy." Alex said, blushing.
He hadn't been scared of the door in like ages but somehow mom had the impression he still was and the only reason he wouldn't accept a night light was Justin would complain.
She left the little guy to go to sleep and Alex listened to her footsteps.
'This is bull shit. I'm not some little baby! I bet I don't even fall asleep till 11 anyways.' He huffed, crinkling and squirming in his bed.
Five minutes later he was snoring softly around his thumb as he sucked it in his sleep.
"So did Alex give you much of a fight?" Justin asked as Mom came downstairs.
"Just a token one, he's already gone to bed. I don't think he's feeling well and I think that should excuse him for needing his punishment tomorrow." Anne said, though the last part was more directed at her husband.
"Look, rules are rules, and if we start g-" Jackson started but was cut off.
"Excuse me, but who's idea was the rule that a D or worse meant no TV or computer time, and yet Justin who got a D on his last English test is watching the game with you?" She asked sweetly.
Justin gulped now and turned to his dad.
"Uh..you know..I think mom's right, we can't punish Alex if he had his accident because he's sick!" Justin chimed in.
"Heh, Nice try buddy but your mother is right in a way. I can't really punish your brother and not punish you. "Jackson said
"Soooo Alex isn't wearing a diaper tomorrow?" Justin asked hopefully.
"try again buddy, but do it in anther room so I can finish watching the game." Jackson chuckled and ruffled his sons hair as the 12 year old pouted.
"Finnne, I'll just go to my room an-." he started to huff and went to get up.
"ahhh nope. First of all I know you well enough you'll just go on your laptop." Anne said. "and second of all your brother is sleeping. Don't worry though, we have LOTS of board games you can play with me."
"Geee, spending Saturday night playing board games with my mom. aren't I lucky." Justin groaned
One mind numbing night of games later and Justin went to bed, taking note of the fact that Alex had semi drenched his pillow in drool and was still sucking his thumb.
'Heh, He's kinda cute...Still gonna make him a big dumb diaper nerd chore boy..but he's cute.' Justin thought before going and climbing into his bed.
as he went to go to sleep he had the most wonderful evil idea that could at the same time be played off as just being a nice big brother and help get 'revenge' on Alex for making him miss the end of the game.
'Hehehehe damn I'm so smart!' Justin chuckled and dropped off to sleep.
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"Doppelganger" *Part 12*
I give you this my babies, because tomorrow I have tons to do and I don't know if you'll get a chapter during the day, it might just be tomorrow night after most of you are asleep. So enjoy the plethora when you can!
Also, I hope you're not getting whiplash from the twists and turns. I'm just making it as dramatic as possible, apparently.
Please still read my stuff.
Part 11
Part 13
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[Once again top is Nevada as 'Rafael', Bottom is Rafael]
---------
You walked silently through the park while crying. You were fuming, you felt guilty, but mostly you were heartbroken. You knew Rafael didn't mean what he said, he was just hot headed. But you did mean what you said. You didn't know if he could ever get past what happened, and you weren't positive you could either.
You wanted to, but just knowing the damage was done to Rafael's heart killed you inside and how you could spend the rest of your life just feeling guilty?
You were so lost in your own thoughts you didn't notice cops running through the park towards the cave.
-------
"FREEZE!!!!" An NYPD officer yelled at Rafael as several more surrounded the cave and him.
"Okay gentlemen, I try that you're doing your job but there's been a mistake--" Rafael put his hands in the air.
"Save it, Ramirez. Barba told us everything,"
Olivia had told him over the phone that Nevada had gotten to the people at Ryker's and they had alerted the NYPD but he didn't expect them to be this fast.
"Look if you go into my jacket pocket you'll see my wallet with my ID," He assured them.
"Yeah how dumb do you think we are?" One cop scoffed. "Even my fifteen year old sister has a FAKE ID,"
"Fair point," Rafael nodded.
"Now where's the girl?" Another police officer barked.
"Girl?" Rafael’s brows furrowed.
“Barba's girl. You know it takes some balls to kidnap the ADA's fiancée, I'll give you that,”
“Wha---he DID! I just rescued her!” He insisted.
"Yeah, before you got what you wanted?" The cop asked him suspiciously.
"And what did I want?" Rafael asked.
“You wanted your boys free,” he replied.
“No HE did. That's why HE was there. Come on guys you're smarter than this,” Rafael started to take a step forward.
“DON'T move,” The cop cocked the gun closer to Rafael.
“Really then how did he explain why he was there breaking them out and not me?”
“He said you had the girl and when he brought you the boys you'd let her go.”
"What would be the point of that if we look identical?!" Rafael exclaimed in exasperation. This was ridiculous.
“You think we're gonna buy you're that stupid to walk into Ryker's completely unarmed, just because you look like the ADA?”
“No he's just that cocky,” Rafael rolled his eyes at Nevada’s ego.
“Alright enough, where is she?” The cop ordered.
“She just ran away….” Rafael realized this didn’t look good.
“Oh really? She just ran away from the love of her life, who just rescued her from an evil man?” The officer asked sarcastically.
“Yeah she--we--- it's a long story,” He sighed. If he had just kept running after you, you’d be together right now. God knows what was happening to you right now.
“Right, well you can tell it downtown,” One cop nodded to the others to handle him.
“Well fine, Olivia Benson will vouch for me,” Rafael was talking a tough game, but secretly praying he was right. Olivia would know he was himself, right?
“Whatever you say Nevada,” Two cops grabbed by the shoulders and dragged him out of the cave.
---------
You suddenly realized as you reached the end of the park that you had no cell phone, no money. You didn’t even have shoes. You really didn’t want to continue to fight with Rafael, but it seemed you had no choice in the matter at the moment. You started heading back to the penguin cove when you saw a bunch of NYPD officers surrounding the place, and after a few minutes they were dragging Rafael out in handcuffs.
You were just about to run and tell them there was a mix up, when a hand clamped over your mouth. And then everything went black.
When you woke up, you were back in Nevada’s limo.
“Are you fucking kidding me…” You muttered to yourself, but you quickly realized you were not alone. Two more of Nevada’s men that you had never seen before were sitting across from you, huge evil grins on their faces.
“Hola, mami,” One rubbed his leg up and down your bare leg but you kicked him away.
“Now that’s not very nice, mujer,”
“Especially when we brought you refreshments,” The other one pulled out the champagne bottle of mind serum Nevada had on him the last time you saw him.
SERIOUSLY?
-------
Rafael was dragged through the precinct, glares from every single cop and detective, finally reaching the squad’s room. Olivia rushed over, trying to help Rafael out of the cuffs.
“What are you doing? THIS is Mr. Barba!” She exclaimed.
“No offense, Ms. Benson, but this man is very good at fooling people, you’re no exception,” One officer told her.
“Then why did he have Mr. Barba’s phone?” Olivia asked them with an attitude. The officer’s looked between each other, not really having an answer for that. Maybe they had been mistaken.
“.....Because I dropped it when I was running for my life with my fiancé,” A voice came from behind them. Everyone turned to see ‘Rafael’ with you draped on his arm.
“No….” Rafael whispered. This couldn’t be happening again.
“Ah, Mr. Barba,” One of the cops nodded. “Thank you so much for helping us catch this guy. That’s a decade of fine police work’s worth,” He shook ‘Rafael’s’ hand while Olivia circled around them to talk to you.
“What are you doing?!” She hissed.
“What are you talking about?!” You hissed back.
“Why are you vouching for Nevada?”
“What are you talking about? This is Rafael,”
“....Seriously?” Olivia was taken aback.
“Yes Olivia, SERIOUSLY. Don’t you think I would know my own fiancée?” You gave her an offended look.
“Yeah well from what I heard, you’re not that great at it,” She smirked.
“OLIVIA,” ‘Rafael’ suddenly stepped in between you two. “This vendetta you have against Y/N has got to stop, I thought we talked about this,”
“I...she...you…” Olivia looked from him to you, her eyes searching both of your eyes for anything telling.
“Do you have any idea what she’s been through?!” ‘Rafael’ barked, you laid your head on his shoulder looking very scared and traumatized.
“Yeah, I don’t know why you’re so mean to me,” You pouted, making Olivia gag.
“Oh my god, there is no way you are--”
“We’re done here, Olivia.” ‘Rafael’ shut her up. “If you can’t tell the difference between a hardened criminal and your ‘best friend’, then clearly we’re not as close as I thought we were.”
-----------------
Inside your mind prison, you were watching all of this go down with absolute horror. How could this be happening again? How did you do this to yourselves AGAIN? What is WRONG with you? And now, now it was worse than ever because now Rafael was actually in trouble, and it was your fault.
“OLIVIA!!!!!” You screamed. You couldn’t believe out of all people, you would need her help. But here you were.
Olivia watched in shock as you and ‘Rafael’ walked arm in arm out of the station, leaving ‘Nevada’ in cuffs, with the most pitiful look on his face.
“Alright Ramirez, you can drop the act. It’s gonna get you nowhere, the jig is up,” Olivia sneered at him, with a wink.
“Olivia,” Rafael looked at her sadly. “I know you know me better than that. You know about….things that would convince Y/N that Nevada is me,” He muttered softly, looking around them.
“I know,” Olivia pressed her forehead to his. “I never doubted it was you, Rafa,” She smiled; now that you were completely out of the way, and turned against him, he needed her. For the first time, he needed her. And she was going to take every advantage of that.
“But they’re not going to take my word for it,” She sighed. “You might just have to wait it out in Ryker’s a bit while I sort this out,” She shrugged apologetically.
“Oh no, he won’t be going to Ryker’s Detective,” The mayor had entered the station, and heard the last part of their conversation.
“...Excuse me?” Olivia asked worriedly.
“For all the bad things this man has done-- murders, rapes, pillaging, for a DECADE now. No for that he’s not just going to ‘wait it out’ in a cell, wasting our taxpayer dollars. He’s getting the chair as fast as I can sign the release,”
Both Olivia and Rafael’s faces went white; Oliva fell back as if she was going to pass out.
“Mr. Mayor, please-- I understand this is a serious manner but this is a man’s life here. Don’t you want to make absolutely sure that you have the right man?”
“I’m pretty sure Miss Y/N knows her own fiancée,” The mayor pointed out.
“Well no offense to Miss Y/N but that’s how she got herself kidnapped, sir. By NOT recognizing her fiancé,”
“....I’ll take that under advisement,” The mayor nodded.
“Liv,” Rafael looked at her seriously. “Look whenever someone’s under….the influence,” He whispered looking around the both of them.
“They are still ‘there’. I know it. I know Y/N is there, she's just...trapped,”
“...I’ll see what I can do,” Olivia nodded. “Don’t take him anywhere until I come back,” She instructed a cop, before running out of the station.
---
“Nev---Rafa!” Liv came running out of the station where you and ‘Rafael’ were waiting on an Uber.
“Liv,” He nodded curtly.
“Look you’re right, I need to talk to Y/N, give her a proper apology,” Olivia looked between the two of you. ‘Rafael’ eyed her curiously, but then addressed you: “Go on baby, I’ll wait here for the car,”
Olivia took you to the side and lowered her voice so ‘Rafael’ couldn’t hear.
“Y/N, Look--” She put both hands on your shoulders. “They are going to put Rafael to DEATH,”
Inside your mind prison you let out a blood curdling scream, making ‘you’ wince in pain. Olivia stood in front of you so that ‘Rafael’ wouldn’t see, but she tried to talk to you.
“Yes, exactly. You should feel bad, because we both know that that--” Olivia pointed to ‘Rafael’. “That is NOT our Rafael,”
“Okay, ‘our’ Rafael is pushing it, Olivia,” You rolled your eyes. “But whatever-- this, this cannot be happening. My body cannot be this vulnerable. I have GOT to love Rafael more than this, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!”
You pulled at the bars until your arms felt like they were going to fall off, you sobbed until no water was left in your body. How could this be happening? How could you be failing him this hard? How could you keep hurting him like this, and now you were going to get him killed!
“Please,” You looked up to the sky, whimpering softly.
“Please, I don’t know-- I don’t know who or what is up there, I’ve never really believed in a lot. Hell I’ve never even believed in myself. But I believe in Rafael, and I believe in our love. I really, really do. And I believe that our love can beat anything, I just-- I need, help.”
Suddenly a blinding light appeared, and when you adjusted your vision, you were back in your body. You looked up at Olivia, who was apparently comforting you from another ‘migraine’. Before you could say or do anything, ‘Rafael’ came walking up to the two of you.
“Carino, our ride’s here,” He smiled at you sweetly. You wanted to vomit; But as long as he thought you were under his spell, you were safe.
“Coming baby,” You kissed his cheek sweetly, over exaggerated. You know his ‘version’ of you was over the top, like a freaking trophy wife stereotype.
“You have to get him out of there, Liv,” You whispered, tears in your eyes. "This is all up to you now,” Then you turned and followed “Rafael” to the car.
Olivia stared at the car as it drove off. How had you just...woken yourself up like that? But you were right. It was all up to her now. She bolted back into the station where they were processing ‘Nevada’.
“Ahem, gentlemen,” Olivia nodded to the officers, then the mayor. “Sir if I might have a moment,” She motioned him to the side.
“Sir, like I said you want to be absolutely sure you’re going kill the right man. And I have a way,” She told the mayor.
“Which is…?”
“Let me take him and get a DNA test,”
“A DNA test? Right now?” The mayor laughed.
“The lab doesn’t close until eight, it’s six now,” Olivia looked at her phone. “I can get to the head of the line, and you can get your results instantly. Then if it turns out this is indeed Nevada Ramirez, then you can execute him tomorrow,” She explained.
“....I suppose that is the best course of action,” The mayor nodded. “Do you think you can handle him all on your own?”
“Trust me sir, I’ve handled worse,” Olivia shook her head, showing her gun.
“Alright,” The mayor walked over to the men holding ‘Nevada’.
“Men, Detective Benson will be taking Mr. Ramirez to a genetics lab to get a DNA test, to make sure he is in fact Nevada Ramirez,”
“Seriously? Sir, come on--”
“Did I stutter, Donahue?” The mayor narrowed his eyes at the cop.
“Alright fine,” The officer shoved ‘Nevada’ towards Olivia.
“Let’s go, Ramirez,” Olivia grabbed ‘Nevada’ roughly and dragged him out of the station to a squad car. She threw him in the back and got in the driver’s side.
“Liv, I appreciate you getting me out of there, but we need to go to Nevada’s place and get Y/N,” Rafael instructed.
“Screw that, I’m proving your innocence before anything,” Olivia scoffed as she drove towards the lab.
“OLIVIA,” He emphasized.
“RAFAEL.” She emphasized harder.
“Come on, Liv I know you don’t like her but--”
“Nevada’s not going to hurt her, you know that. I know that. She’ll be fine,” Oliva rolled her eyes.
“She won’t be FINE,” Rafael pounded on the glass between the front and the backseat.
He thought about your last conversation-- your last fight. He had told you that you hadn’t been ‘assaulted’, that you ‘enjoyed’ being basically raped. And now, you were back there.
You were probably just thinking how he’d be upset, how he’d react, when really he was just scared for you. He realized none of the other bullshit mattered. All that mattered was you, and him, and the love you both shared. And that had to pull you through, didn’t it?
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Back at Nevada’s place, ‘You’ changed into a see-through red teddy, and waited on Nevada. You knew that you were supposed to be under the elixir, so you had to act obediently, at least until Olivia showed up. She’d show up, right?
She had to show up.
#law and order svu fanfiction#law and order#rafael barba#rafael barba x you#rafael barba x reader#rafael barba imagine#nevada ramirez fanfiction#nevada ramirez x you#nevada ramirez x reader#nevada ramirez#trouble in the heights#raul esparza#doppelganger
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Soiled Tea
Chapter 23: Blitzo gets home and contemplates things.
Warnings: As always, mpreg, and brief mentions of underage drinking. Generally shitty thoughts about babies.
Likes, replies, and reblogs are all appreciated, both here and on ao3!
Ao3 link
“Blitz.” There was a pounding on his door, and it took a few seconds to process that it was Loona. “You’ve been in there for like three hours. The fuck happened?”
“Piss off!” Blitzo called back, scrolling mindlessly down Voxtagram with only a pause to scrub at his sore eyes. The phone buzzed with another text from Stolas, and he swiped it up without looking like the last twelve. A growl rumbled from behind at the door, and the scratch of Loona’s claws dragged down the wood.
“Fine, don’t tell me! It’s not like I care either way, I just want to know if you’re going to start bitching at me over whatever it is!” Loona’s weight creaked the floorboards as she padded away from the door, mere moments before Blitzo’s stomach growled.
Oh. Right. He hadn’t eaten properly in days, and the little fucker was going to be feeling that.
...It’d be easier to starve the bastard if it wouldn’t hurt him too. He only realized that his fingers had dug into his stomach when the red glow fluttered in and out, and his teeth gritted as he pushed himself off the bed, the creak reminding him how badly he needed a new mattress and frame. Stolas sleeping on it the other day couldn’t have helped, and it was going to collapse under him one of these days. There was probably some kind of metaphor in there he didn’t feel like puzzling through at the moment.
Moping later. Food now. He was pretty sure they’d stocked up a few days ago, so unless Loona had eaten everything since he’d been out, he could make some cup noodles and curl back up on the bed in peace. Loona was draped over the couch with screams and gorey splatters echoing from the TV when he exited his room, and she raised an eyebrow at seeing him mere moments after he’d told her to piss off. Blitzo sighed.
“Look, I just want to bury my sorrow in some cheap-ass junk right now, got it?”
She pointed to the freezer. “Try the strawberry scoop.”
“Thanks, dear.” First he needed to get the noodles, though. Blitzo opened the cabinet, reaching for the cups before brushing against a small bag. Why did he have a bag in the…?
His fingers froze, touching the edge of the packet- it was Stolas’s tea from their café meeting, tied with a pretty little bow. He’d mostly been over the nausea hump by the time he’d gotten it so it had been stuffed in the back of the cabinet, and right now, it was leaned against a partially-opened hot chocolate packet that must have been years old. It made the wood smell both moldy and chocolatey-fresh. Over the last few weeks, the powder had seeped into the mix of the tea- and probably ruined it too. There was an ant curled up in front of the fancy little bag which was almost certainly dead, flat on its back with legs curled heavenward.
The thing was moving again, but when he smacked the side of his stomach, it turned over a little with a shudder and stopped. Progress.
His hands were shaking by the time he pulled the noodles out from next to the tea (and next to the hot chocolate, and some expired crackers, and the little baggie of rat poison he’d borrowed from Millie and Moxxie’s closet) and began boiling the water to prepare them the same way he’d done hundreds of times before. No thinking required. The TV droned on in the living room, but the volume was low and he could still hear the water dripping from the leak over the fridge and his own heartbeat.
Casually, he leaned back against the countertop as he waited for the water to soak in, then realized that angle made the bump stick out even more, and also that he’d never actually taken off Stolas’s shirt. The knot in the back was thick and hard on his back, and it pressed on his protruding vertebrae against the granite. He tapped the end of his tail next to a stray protein bar wrapper on the countertop before sweeping it towards the trash. It missed, fluttering down to the dirty floor like a dying moth. Blitzo scooped up the cup, stabbing the top with a fork before bringing it back to his room and turning on a video of some idiot screaming at video games to drown out whatever thoughts couldn't be suppressed otherwise.
Loona didn’t bother him for the rest of the night, but he could hear her slam the fridge’s door shut and pop open a can of something around ten. He peeled off the shirt and went to bed.
__________________
An hour after going to bed, he realized that the sex-sweat stuck to his skin was itchy, sticky, and smelled like shit. He managed to last approximately fifteen more minutes before dragging himself off the bed and crawling into the shower, flipping on the water and twisting it to scalding. He didn’t bother to scrub anything down, simply letting the pounding water pelt into his body until the caked sweat slid off like a bug shedding its skin.
Loona was still in the living room, playing some kind of racing game. They made eye contact for a few seconds and she sighed, chucking him a chocolate bar that she’d fished out of the cushions at some point during the night when he’d been in his room.
Sure, she couldn’t actually eat it herself anyway, but the gesture was nice, even though his teeth felt kind of fuzzy when he flopped back on the bed again after pulling on a worn-out band tee that had become a crop top at some point even before the pregnancy.
__________________
The kid was moving. Of course they were. It wasn’t like he could ask for sleep or for them to allow him to pretend they didn’t exist for a few hours, could he? They were just a lump of stupid meat, they didn't know any better than being an annoying pest that their daddy couldn't stand. He screamed into the pillow again. It didn’t help.
__________________
Maybe he could join the circus again. He had new, better jokes now. Like his life. (That one would have gotten a laugh, or at least it would have with a crowd that wasn’t drunk off its ass- or maybe that would have been the exact audience for it. Kids were never drunk enough, and the ones whose parents shoved bottles at them to get them to shut up just puked everywhere. Their taste buds weren't developed enough yet, it just tasted like piss half the time before you got used to it. He still remembered the smell of the cheesy chips incident.)
__________________
Had Stolas planned this all along? He’d sure as fuck seemed to think that Blitzo had already known what the deal was, and maybe he’d wondered a little, but come on, the guy had been so excited, anybody would have figured that he wanted to be the one to raise it. Babies were (literally) shitty little leeches on the lives of whoever was unlucky enough to pop them out, but Stolas had been so pumped for another kid, obviously he’d wanted to raise it. This was entirely his fault. This was entirely his fault. Blitzo was a smart guy, he'd find some way to get out of this. He'd made it this far, hadn't he?
__________________
Could he get out of this? He tried to remember exactly how the deal had been phrased, but then realized that Stolas would probably yank the book back if he did manage to find some way to kill the thing without offing himself. Well, shit. That’d suck, and he’d probably lose Moxxie and Millie in the bargain, and then him and Loona would get chucked out on the concrete and have to forage for scraps until they managed to mug some particularly wealthy sinner. Could you pass on syphilis through bites? Loonie’d probably know. It was something to keep in mind as a potential threat.
__________________
Did orphanages do speed dial? No, Stolas would find it somehow. He probably had some kind of magic tracking device for occasions like this.
__________________
God damn he needed a better mattress. He could still feel the indent where Stolas had been if he rolled over just right, and he smacked at it until it felt like the rest of the bed.
It didn’t actually help that much, but at least when one spot got hot, he could roll over a little to the cooler half without sinking in.
__________________
What would it even look like? Would it be kind of cute or some mutant monstrosity? Both its dads were hot, so it would have to have something going for it if it wasn’t just some horrible moaning mess of feathers and patchy skin.
He hadn’t really minded the thought of being, like, an uncle or some shit. There for the fun parts, popping in like twice a month to jingle keys above its face and teach it to play paintball. If Barbie had squeezed something out after fucking around when they were still a duo act he could have dealt with that as long as they didn’t have to sleep in the same room- he didn’t really mind kids that much in small doses. They could be fun little chaotic monsters, even though they were judgmental as shit and smelled fear.
With this, though, he couldn’t just hand it back when he got bored, and he always, always got bored or scared or- fuck, not thinking about that.
He would try scrolling Voxtagram again, but he came across an ad for maternity wear before trying to go to sleep the first time and nearly chucked the phone.
__________________
The only thing that kept him from rolling off the bed and grabbing a hard drink to knock him out, baby be damned, was the fact that he’d found a spot that almost was comfortable in the sheets now soaked with sweat again. Unfortunately, the clock said it was 5:13 AM.
__________________
The alarm blared directly in Blitzo’s ear and he whapped it with a pillow, slamming it off the bedside table and into the floor. It was definitely broken now from the horrid cracking noise, and he groaned, scrubbing at his eyes. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."
“Morning, sleeping ugly,” Loona said as she gargled mouthwash in the sink. She had the bags under her eyes that probably matched his and said she’d been drinking more than usual last night. Smart kid. He’d picked one that he could be a parent to without changing diapers for a reason- so he could be supportive to an actual person and not just a screaming little meat-lump that couldn’t even drink or smoke yet. Maybe Stolas could make it magically grow up so he wouldn't have to deal with that shit? “You gonna finally tell me what the fuck happened? You look like you watched the apartment blow up and you smell even worse.”
“Come on, honey, I showered-” Blitzo cleared his throat. To be fair, sex-stink didn't come off that easily when you were going at it for days, and Loona had always had a real sensitive nose. “Daddy’s maaaaaybe got a little tiny problem,” he muttered, and she raised an eyebrow.
“And that problem is? Usually, you’ll be upfront about why you’re being a whiny-“
“Apparently,” he started, and his tone made Loona’s mouth snap shut, “Stolas thought I was going to be the one actually raising the little bastard.”
“What the fuck? You two didn’t clear this up months ago?” Her claws dug into the counter as one eye twitched, and a bit of mouthwash foam dripped off her chin.
“I didn’t think we’d have to! He wanted the thing, he’d take it, that made sense!” He dragged a hand down his face, and Loona leaned back against the sink, crossing her arms. The foam hit her top, soaking in next to the left tit.
“So get rid of it.”
“I can’t, he enchanted my guts.” Blitzo snatched a butter knife smeared with long-dried jam off the table and aimed it at his stomach- moments before it touched the skin, red flashed. His hand shot to the side, preventing anymore more than a slight scratch. “I don’t even want to know what’d happen if I tried to take a pill or something and puked it up. Explode, probably.”
Loona sighed. “Well, this is fuckin’ peachy.” She crossed the kitchen, grabbing some toast that popped up, pressing more down and dropping the plain bread with a pad of butter on the side on a plate in front of him. “Toss it at an orphanage.”
“It’s gonna be a freak, it’d probably just get mauled. Imp kids are vicious, especially orphans, they’ve all gotta fight for table scraps.”
“Why would you care?” Loona shifted a little on her seat. “You get rid of it either way.”
“Stolas’d kill me.”
“He likes your dick too much, he wouldn’t. I’m not changing diapers. Why can’t he take it again?”
“He thought his wife would shank the fucker. Considering she tried to stab me, it’s probably not that far off. I’ll find some way to-” he yawned. “To pawn it off or something. Maybe we find somebody that likes exotic pets.” His head swam with visions of a shiny, gilded cage containing a little feathered imp that wore sequins and hissed at anything that got too close. He stabbed at the butter. “I don’t want this either, alright?”
“But you went along with having it anyway, and with me, you wanted-” She cut herself off and drummed her fingers against her bicep. “This is your fuck-up, I’m just saying don’t drag me into it.”
“Very reassuring, thank you,” Blitzo muttered, sarcasm thick enough to gore like it was a pig. "We have any coffee?"
"I finished it the other night. We can go to that place on Sixth before work." Loona snatched her own toast as it popped up too quickly to actually have toasted any and stuffed it in her mouth plain, tearing off a bite and chewing in a way that was reminiscent of thoughtful. “I don’t think he’d be nice enough to let you die when it pops out, and you screw up all the time and haven’t completely ruined your life yet. You can figure shit out from there. Maybe we can sell them on the black market and move out of this fucking dump, or you can flutter your eyelashes and get him to change his mind. Worst comes to worst, it's sharing your room.”
“Thanks, Loonie,” Blitzo mumbled around a mouthful of bread. “Always know how to cheer me up.”
The phone buzzed, and he was about to ignore it again until he saw that it was from Millie.
“Still at Stolas’s or coming in to work today Blitz? Moxx and I miss you :)’
Blitzo wiped crumbs on his pants and groaned before typing back.
‘yeh im coimin back’
He added extra jam to the bread before shoving the rest in his mouth, and the kid kicked his bladder hard enough that he almost pissed himself right at the table.
Today was gonna be fuckin’ peachy.
#lotsa little headcanon-y sprinklings throughout here#shadow writes stuff#one time#helluva mpreg#helluva boss#mpreg#daddy blitzo#tagging the main tag because why not
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Tag Fact #3 - I’ve come to realize I’ve always been a fan artist more than I thought. so here is a timeline of influences that shaped my childhood to now. from nostalgic times, to sad changes, to great loss, to strange rises to fame and phases, to stepping stones and finally a laughing place. all the things that make up your favorite fan artist Tag.
1. Rayman (bumped into this in the year of 1999) was actually the first fandom (with crossovers) I bumped into when I was 9. although the internet wasn’t available at the time it was still fun to dwell in home amusements. I remember the storylines and the OC’s I made but they’re kind of embarrassing and it’s probably a good thing there was no internet. I’ve done fanart and comic crossovers of Rayman with Calvin and Hobbs and Nights Into Dreams, spinoffs of Sonic the Hedgehog OC’s, Yoshi with Pikachu, and the Pokemon/Digimon craze with OC’s and other Nintendo comic shorts. but the drawings and comics are long gone and disappeared in the garage in a backpack due to suspecting my sister’s dad accidentally throwing them away. years later towards the year 2018 (now 28), we decided to move to North Carolina and it was my chance to find them again. unfortunately the backpack was gone just like I suspected (my main stuff), but for some reason I found my Pokemon/Digimon fanart, a good batch of Super Mario drawings (vaguely remember doing these), my sister’s drawings and some other neighborhood kids’ drawings in a dirty box. I was partially happy I found something at least but it was the backpack I wanted the most. sometimes I regret not looking for the backpack (’cause I was too busy being a kid) but it’s alright, noone needs to see that shit anyway, ha ha. anyways, I recall being a fan of Rayman from 1999 ‘til 2002.
2. Sonic Adventure 2 Battle (bumped into this in the year of 2003) my second fandom I bumped into when I was 12 going on 13. at the time, my sister and I both liked the Sonic The Hedgehog Franchise based on the Battle remake and ended up making our own secret fanart club that consisted of only us two members. she liked Sonic (and that was her boyfriend, ha ha) and I liked Knuckles (and he was my boyfriend, ha ha) and we were crazy in love about Shadow’s backstory. we listened to the game’s soundtracks as we drew fanart and comics after school and man, those were good times. however, as we grew older towards the year of 2005, we ended up having separate rooms and I believe it played a part in disconnecting on the same interest. then one day, I asked her why she wasn’t into Sonic anymore and she replied, “Because I grew up.” I was sad after that and slowly observed that she was influenced by the emo culture and the new friends she’s made. I was the only member of our little club for a little longer...but eventually I moved on too. I still have some surviving fanart we did together but it doesn’t mean shit anymore since she turned out to be an abusive mother from the last I’ve heard of her.
3. Gorillaz (bumped into this in the year of 2006). as the Sonic years were at its end, I first heard the song “Feel Good Inc” on Music Choice and seeing the first image of them as displayed on this post (except the fan-made background doesn’t count since I can’t find the original artwork). this was my third fandom and later had proper access to the internet to the website I still currently use called DeviantArt. at first I liked 2D but eventually fell for Murdoc and developed a spiritual connection towards the character as obviously seen in my old fanart and rare photos of my devotion shrines on Valentine’s Day and his birthday every year. for the longest time since being a permanent fan from 2006-2017 (11 1/2 years) I had no knowledge that it was a political propaganda band and other realizations I don’t want to talk about. I only followed them because it was a cartoon and not the bullshit behind the musical project. the world I’ve built and support for them for all those 11 1/2 years shattered the fuck out of me and I just wanted to be left alone to find myself again, somehow. activity stopped on all my profiles, the flow of fanart stopped since I now cringe from the fan service and felt I was used for my talent. I didn’t want to be reminded of it all so I took down all my Gorillaz fanart and archived them for old followers’ nostalgia but also in the hopes they’ll be forgotten in my timeline. I ceased to exist in the fandom for huge personal reasons but it’s best to not say why. I know for sure that the fandom wonders what happened but it’s none of their business. THE END.
4. Waluigi (although I knew he’s been around since 2000 during childhood, I took deep interest once I revisited the character again in the year of December 2013). as silly as this sounds, when I revisited him again, the character was so bizarre that I ended up staying up 3 nights and 3 days in a row just looking all over the internet on everything about him and the questionable “hush-hush” absence of a backstory. despite there being no backstory he slowly gained a cult following and in many ways it’s a good thing. however, since the early 2010′s tension has been building up between Nintendo and its fans about him starring in a main game but everyone hasn’t fully gotten it in their heads that it’s not gonna happen. as long as Nintendo is in control of that, the fandom will not win, I’m sorry to say. on the other hand, if it’s going to be this way, then that’s what fanart and comic projects are for. as for me, I am doing my very best to get my comic project “Waluigi Land” going. again, I apologize if it’s taking very long to get Chapter 2 going if you’ve been keeping track but aha moments need to develop before I start permanent drawing (since concepts, character design and storyline needed improvement badly). as of right now I am still a Waluigi fan and I will not quit on him.
5. Turbo from Wreck-It-Ralph (although it debuted in 2012, I watched the movie two years later into the year 2014). for some bizarro reason, I had an unhealthy obsession with this character to the point where I dressed up as him for Halloween 2014. only 2 fanarts of him and the Turbo Twins exist on my profiles, mainly because my mind was more focused on just ‘thinking about him’ or ‘being him’ rather than drawing physical drawings. luckily, this supposed alleged fandom didn’t last long a little after Halloween so I chalk it up as a very short phase. to this day I don’t know what has gotten over me about him. the only thing I can think of now is that I think it’s because the character had yellow eyes and teeth but I don’t know. now that I think of it, that little fucker was ugly as hell and I STILL don’t know what had gotten over me. one day, my brother mentioned what that was about, and I said to him, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
6. Undertale (although it debuted in 2015, I later took interest in it in 2016). It was all about Sans and Papyrus. I couldn’t get enough of the skeleton bros. eventually Toriel and Mettaton EX became my favorites but it took a long time to draw more of all 4 of them because I had other important things to do in my life plus I was still waiting for the next Gorillaz album to revive my imaginative juices (or so I thought). I really want to have this as one of my frequent fandoms but I just don’t have time for it anymore. it’s still in the back of my head to want to draw them but at this point I still have other better interests to be in. and besides, I’m lazy just like Sans.
7. Cuphead (June 28th, 2017 was the official day I called quits on the British-based band Gorillaz due to the bullshit behind it. since that date I was lost, had no inspiration to look forward to and no cartoon guy to make me smile...but lo and behold of the same year, I took an interest in playing the game Cuphead and man...that shit was a frightening exaggerated metaphor for being on that one drug (forgot the name though) and having sex at the same time but man that was the best fun I’ve had in years. I mean, it’s like, enemies are just so happy to murder you and that scared the shit outta me. and the facial exaggeration?....I think I should stop, ha ha. anyways, the Moldenhauers saved my ass from spiraling down, they have no clue. anyways, eventually I became a permanent fan of their work so to ease the hurt and erase my past from the G-fandom I had to re-wire my brain into a different cartoon category that’s a rather more American, so anything Toon related like Roger Rabbit, Felix the Cat or another favorite that’s a western-based cartoon makes me feel better, especially my new man .......King Dice <3 <3<3<3. however, there was something about this new fandom category I still didn’t quite understand until the date March 14th, 2020. I finally understood what it was but I feel I shouldn’t bring it up. anyways, Cuphead and anything western or rubber hose is my last stop in inspiration for the remaining years of my life. many say never say never but I believe I’ve found my laughing place and that’s all that matters.
#tag facts#influences from cartoons#likes and dislikes#thoughts i have about characters#toons#rayman#sonic the hedgehog#gorillaz#waluigi#turbo#wreck it ralph#undertale#cuphead
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I’m Pregnant - Jumin Han
Welcome to part “two” of the pregnancy series of one shots! Again, this is not gender neutral, lmk if you want me to write something gender neutral for y’all :)
Summary: Jumin hated getting birthday presents. So how will he react to a positive pregnancy test as his present this year?
You woke with a start, wiggling out of Jumin’s grip. Again. Every early morning you had the same turn of events: wake up around 4 am, get sick, drink something to calm your stomach, take a bath, go back to bed. It was getting exhausting.
Jumin was already behind you, holding your hair back in one hand and rubbing your back with the other, as you opened the lid to the toilet. He had been so good to you; you tried not to wake him, but he always seemed to catch you and comfort you when you were feeling your worst.
Once you had finally rid your stomach of everything bothering it, you leaned into Jumin, burying your face into his neck and groaning. “I’m sick of this. Literally I guess.”
He picked you up in his arms and carried you to the kitchen, pulling open the fridge to grab some ginger ale. This was how it went every night. He sat on the couch, keeping you curled up on his lap, and opened the drink for you.
“I know...” he whispered, running a hand through your hair. “I’m worried about you. Can I finally call for a doctor now?”
You sighed, sipping your drink. You had reassured Jumin the past few days that I was some stomach bug, but it was getting challenging for either of you to believe. Regardless, the getting sick had to stop. You were starting to lose weight at an unhealthy weight. You groaned again, taking comfort in his arms. “Oh,” you mumbled, “it’s your birthday, isn’t it?”
He stole a glance at the clock hanging in the room. 4:13 am. “I suppose it is.”
“Well happy birthday love,” you smiled, forcing yourself to ignore your pain and discomfort to make sure today was a good day for him. “Do you have to go into work this morning?”
“Unfortunately I do. I’ll try to get home before 4 though, and then maybe we can call a doctor? I know you don’t want to go to one alone.” He was so considerate. It made you uncomfortable enough when he called doctors or hairstylists or anyone to the penthouse, but it was unbearable when he wasn’t there. It just made you feel uncomfortable; you weren’t used to it.
“Okay,” you sighed. You had really hoped to get over your sickness on your own, but oh well. “You wanna take a bath or get some more sleep?”
“Whatever you want,” he responded, a reassuring smile on his face. You huffed at him. It was his birthday: he had to decide. He stifled a yawn. Looks like his body decided for him.
“Back to bed it is,” you slid off his lap, carrying the half-drank can of ginger ale with you to bed, Jumin right behind you, an arm resting on your hip as the two of you walked.
You melted into his embrace in bed. When the two of you first started sleeping together he was distant. Sometimes he would put his hand on yours, and that was exciting to you. Now, though, he liked to cuddle close to you, arms wrapped around you waist to pull you close and head nestled between your neck and your shoulder. You fell asleep almost immediately.
When you had woken he was gone. It was sweet of him to let you sleep in, but you wished he had woken you up to say goodbye. You sighed, sending him a text: I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you out. I love you. Can’t wait until you get home.
He didn’t reply. You hadn’t expected one; he was in meetings back-to-back so that he could get home early for you. He had arranged his schedule like this the past few days so he could get home early and take care of you.
You were going to be sick again. Repeating your daily ritual with the toilet (who had become your best friend as of late), you sat there for a while, unmoving. You groaned, reaching onto the sink to get your toothbrush and toothpaste to get the taste out of your mouth, and of course, you were out of toothpaste. You backed yourself up and opened the cabinet to grab toothpaste and oh shit. A box of pads. You hadn’t started yet, had you? How long had it been? That would explain things.
Disregarding the toothpaste, you pulled out your phone and dialed Jaehee immediately. She picked up on the second ring. “Good morning, is everything alright? Would you like me to call a doctor? Mr. Han has told me you haven’t been well...”
“About that...” you trailed off. You ran a hand through your hair. “Do you think maybe during your lunch break you can swing by the convenience store and grab some ginger ale and, uh... maybe a few pregnancy tests?”
“Did I hear you right?” She sounded excited. “Do you think you may be-“
“I’m not sure. But it could explain why I’ve been sick. I’d get them myself but someone might see and then... oh, please don’t tell Jumin about this. I’d hate to disappoint him if I’m not, especially on his birthday. I’ll, uh, I’ll call him and make sure he gives you a break.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
And that’s how, an hour and a half later, you were sitting in the bathroom staring at three positive tests. You had to do three to make positive you were pregnant. And you were. It made so much sense. You felt relieved and happy and... scared? You wanted to tell Jumin.
A half hour before he was due home, you put the test in an old gift box he had gotten you a necklace in. It fit perfectly. You wrapped it in white polka dot wrapping paper, tying a red bow on top. Now all you had to do was wait.
And wait.
And wait.
He was two hours late. You hoped he wouldn’t be like this when you had a kid, them waiting at the door for their father for hours on end. You wanted him to be someone they relied on. You sighed, closing your eyes to compose your thoughts.
“Honey,” you were shaken awake. “I’m sorry for making you wait.” He whispered. Jumin was still in his work attire, undoing his tie as you spoke. “It was a ridiculously long day, but I’m happy to see you.” His face softened as he took you in. “My Love, have you been crying?” He asked, a gently hand reaching out to wipe tears you hadn’t even realized were on your face.
“I’m okay,” you sniffed, “I just missed you a lot. What time is it?”
He glanced down at his watch. “7 pm. I’m sorry again for making you wait. Oh! And the doctor. We can still have him come if you-“
“I got you a present.” You cut him off, picking up the box that you had accidentally left discarded on the floor when you fell asleep.
He looked sheepish, the smallest flush rising to his cheeks. “You know you didn’t have to get me anything. Your company is more than enough.”
“I think you’ll like it,” you sang, a small smile forming on your face. You really hoped he’d be happy.
He sat on the couch, pulling you out of your uncomfortable sleeping condition back onto his lap for the second time that day. You placed the present in his hands.
“What’s this? More matching necklaces?” He shook it lightly, listening to it clatter. “A watch?”
“Just open it! I’m getting nervous watching you shake it around,” you urged, feeling your stomach turn again. Not right now, baby.
He finally gave in, giving you a smirk as he untied the ribbon. As soon as he opened the box though, he practically dropped it. “This is...” his voice was quiet. You almost couldn’t hear it. “Is it real?” His eyes, glistening, looking up at you in disbelief.
“I took three just to be positive. Jumin, we’re going to have a baby,” you whispered, your voice soft in the moment. Seeing him cry, you couldn’t stop the tears forming in your eyes. He pulled you close, so close, peppering kisses across your face.
“I can’t believe it.” He had smiled like you had never seen before. “I’m going to do better. Make sure I get back from work earlier. Start working from home more. We need to get a house. How far along are you?”
“Jumin,” you giggled. “I just found out today along with you.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, resting a hand lightly on your stomach, the other cupping your cheek. “Thank you for being with me, for wanting to raise a child with me. I could not ask for a better present for my birthday, or for the rest of eternity.” He pressed a quick passionate kiss to your lips, wrapping you into a hug and carrying you off to your bedroom.
“Jumin!” You squealed as he carried you.
He chuckled. “Nothing like that.” He plopped you into bed. “You need to get more rest. And eat more. We’ll visit the doctor tomorrow to see if we can help with your morning sickness. I’ll make some strawberry pancakes,” he winked, making his way to the doorway.
“Hey! But it’s your birthday!”
“And whatever the birthday boy wants, is what he gets. I want to have breakfast for dinner in bed with my wife and our child she’s carrying. Are you planning on stopping me?” He asked, leaning against the doorframe, a glimmer in his eye.
“No way.”
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A Twist of Fate {Part 4} (Everything’s Fine Universe) [Dice Roll 13]
Fandom: Sanders Sides
Relationships: Remus & Janus & Patton, Remy & Patton
Characters: Janus, Patton, Remus, Remy
Summary: It wasn’t unheard of for people to gain soulmarks later in life, but it was quite rare. Usually fate was set in stone. Yet, when one’s fated death was prevented, fate had to make some adjustments.
As he fell, Patton may have felt a strange prickling feeling across his skin. He however, was not paying attention to that, far too distracted and confused. All he knew was that by the time he hit the ground, both of his hands were covered with marks. Later when he went home he’d notice even more in other places, but the ones he noticed when he hit the ground were the obvious ones on his hands.
Then, there was Janus. Janus had only one soulmark on his body. At least. He had only one soulmark that hadn’t been burnt off years ago. When he landed on top of Patton, he did not notice the marks that suddenly appeared on his arms and face. Patton did, however, notice two little designs appear on him: one along the side of his nose and the other right below the scaring on the left side of his face. The second was already colored in by the time they hit the ground.
Universe: Soulmate AU and Superhero AU
Genre: The Dice Roll said fluff and it is… but… it’s more fluff and angst, hurt/comfort-ish
Notes: Child abuse, homelessness, malnutrition, acid burns, platonic soulmates, car accidents mentioned, blood mentioned, death mentioned
My Master Post Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
It took a moment for Patton to get his breath back after he collided with the ground, his back stinging from where it had slid slightly against the pavement. He heard a car zooming by where he’d been standing a moment before.
Had he almost died?
He hadn’t even noticed the car; it had come out of nowhere, and he would have gotten hit if a young boy hadn’t tackled him. How the boy had been able to notice the situation and react to it that quickly, Patton didn’t know, but he was certainly grateful.
He caught sight of the back of his hands and was surprised to see what he immediately identified as soulmarks even though that made absolutely no sense because he’d never had soulmarks on his hands. Suddenly having soulmates was something he’d never dared wish for, and now he had at least 5 more just on the back of his hands, one of which was already filled in.
Without even making the decision to do so, his hand came up to cup the boy’s cheek gently. “Hi,” Patton said softly. He could help but stare at the soulmark on his face, also colored in and the shape of which perfectly matched the one on Patton’s hand.
“Are you okay?” the boy asked.
“Fine,” Patton replied. “My back’s probably a little scrapped up, but it’s better than the alternative. Are you okay?”
The boy didn’t seem to expect the question. “I’m fine,” he said. His face was half taken up by a burn, Patton noticed, and it was perhaps silly that he was only just noticing it now, but one might forgive him considering his mind was elsewhere. The pattern… didn’t look random. It was a thought which made Patton feel a bit queasy. It was also clearly not fresh. He was so young; how old must he have been when he’d gotten it?
The boy appeared to notice the way he was staring at the scar and seemed to grow visibly uncomfortable. He looked down at his hand currently on Patton’s chest and grimaced for some reason that Patton could not puzzle out. He seemed confused and perhaps even a bit horrified looking at his own arm. Patton added that fact to list of questions quickly growing as his heartbeat settled back into its normal rhythm.
His attention returned to the matching soulmarks once again. The location of the mark on Patton’s hand inarguably indicated a parent child relationship was destined between them, but the boy was older than Patton would expect, 10 to 12 probably. He recalled from when he’d read up on adoption that one is more likely to have a soulmark that drifted to the wrist if one met their child soulmate later in development. Usually by the time a child was a preteen, it would be on the wrist or even towards the palm. Yet, this soulmark was firmly planted in the center of Patton’s hand.
Patton had definitely been staring at him for too long and the slight discomfort from before started to shift into something worse. He looked like he was getting ready to bolt.
“We should probably move from the middle of the sidewalk,” Patton suggested, hoping to keep him from running. “Why don’t we go to the bakery? I’ll get you some food and something to drink in thanks, and we can calm down from that fright.”
Patton watched a war happen on his face. Whatever was wrong seemed to be challenged by the prospect of getting food, and Patton couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a very bad thing. Judging by his skittishness, Patton felt it was probably a bad thing.
He nodded hesitantly after a moment, and Patton smiled gently at him. “You’re going to have to get off me first kiddo,” he pointed out.
The kid rolled off of him, and they both got to their feet. Patton offered him a hand without even thinking about it and after a bit of wavering, he took it.
“Um… look both ways?” he suggested when they turned to the street.
Right. Patton very carefully looked both ways and listened intently for any sounds of approaching vehicles. He imagined he would be doing something similar whenever he crossed a street for a while going forward. When he was sure it was safe, they crossed the street together.
There was another child loitering near the bakery door, one that Patton recognized. He shifted back and forth on his feet, staring at them.
“Jimmy,” Patton said confused. He glanced around but there were no other adults nearby. “Why are you here alone? Where’s your…” He remembered he didn’t actually know the nature of Jimmy’s relationship to the soulmate who always brought him to the bakery. “Where’s the man you’re usually with?”
“Uh,” Jimmy said. “He disowned me and abandoned me on the street.” Patton saw the boy whose hand he was holding make some sort of gesture out of the corner of his eyes. “I mean…” Jimmy said. “He slit his own throat to get away from me.”
“No,” the second boy hissed.
Jimmy threw up his hands. “That’s the gesture you were doing!”
“…Why don’t you come inside too, Jimmy,” Patton suggested as he unlocked the door. He was far too young to be out on his own especially when it was going to be getting dark soon. Plus, the two kids clearly knew each other, despite the fact that Patton had never seen the boy who’d saved him before.
“Kay,” Jimmy agreed easily.
Patton shepherded the two boys through the door. “Um,” he said. “How about cinnamon rolls and juice? At least to start.”
Jimmy’s eyes lit up. “We’re getting food?!” he asked excitedly. “Bonus food!”
“I, yes,” Patton agreed because he didn’t know what else to say. “Bonus food.” He went around the counter and grabbed two cinnamon rolls and a couple of bottles of juice, making a mental note to reimburse the bakery for them later. He set them down at a table and gestured for the two boys to come over. Jimmy skipped over without any pause, but the other boy stood at the door for a moment before coming over. Jimmy started snacking on his cinnamon roll the moment he set down, but the other boy just looked at the food for a couple of long moments.
Patton took a seat on the other side of the table from the boys. “What’s your name?” he asked the boy who’d saved him.
“Why do you want to know?” was immediately shot back.
Patton didn’t react to the sharpness of his tone, though he internally wondered about the sudden defensiveness. “Well,” he reasoned. “You just saved my life. I’d like to know who I’m thanking.”
“Evan,” he said after a moment.
“Well, hello Evan,” Patton said. “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for your help before.”
“It…” Evan said. “I was there.”
“So you were,” Patton agreed. “Still, thank you.”
Evan shrugged and looked back down at his cinnamon roll.
“Would you like something else?” Patton asked. “I can get you something different if you want.” He turned to glance at Jimmy just to see that he’d already finished his cinnamon roll. He was grinning widely and swinging his feet back and forth, his face covered in icing. He’d even managed to get a bit on his ear. Patton couldn’t help but smile at the adorable picture. “I can get you more too if you want Jimmy.”
Jimmy’s face dropped so suddenly and violently that it just about gave him whiplash. “You’re really nice,” he said, and there were tears in his eyes that spilled over without warning. “I’m glad you didn’t get crushed underneath a car and bleed to death alone on the road before the ambulance got there,” he cried.
Patton found himself reaching out to him as he sobbed, trying to give some form of comfort. Before Patton quite knew what was happening, Jimmy had scooted of his chair and climbed directly into Patton’s lap. Patton’s breath caught as his skin tingled, another of the soulmarks on his hand coloring in. Yet, he was too concerned with the sobbing child in his lap to wonder about how or why all of this was happening suddenly. Instead, he wrapped his arm around the child and hushed him. Jimmy nuzzled his cheek into Patton’s chest as Patton stroked a careful hand through his hair.
“It’s okay,” Patton soothed. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”
Patton glanced at Evan over the top of Jimmy’s head. Evan appeared distressed at Jimmy’s distress but tried to blank his face out when he saw Patton looking. Patton didn’t know much about what was going on with these boys, but he suddenly felt a strong wave of protectiveness for the small child trying to keep an image of strength and coldness as well as for the even smaller child curled up in his arms.
Jimmy drew back after a few moments to peer at him, still teary eyed. Patton let his thumb trace the light blue mark that had appeared under his left eye. There was another one on his chin, Patton realized, and it was one that definitely hadn’t been there before. Patton had specifically noted that he didn’t have any parental soulmarks. This one was not filled in unlike Patton’s.
Jimmy reached up to touch Patton’s face, mirroring the touch Patton was giving him with his slightly sticky fingers, and Patton caught sight of the other filled in soulmark on the boy’s forearm. Where was Jimmy’s uncle or brother or whatever he was? Patton had to wonder. He’d never seen Jimmy or the man without the other. It was strange that Jimmy wasn’t with him now, and more than that, didn’t seem worried about finding him.
Jimmy was no longer crying. He looked at Patton for a long while with far too old eyes that made Patton’s heart ache a bit for reasons he couldn’t name. “Can I have apple juice instead?” he finally broke his silence.
Patton snorted out a laugh at the sudden question. This was why Patton had always loved kids: wailing one moment and critiquing his drink choices the next.
“Sure, kiddo,” he agreed. “I’ll get you some apple juice.”
He glanced over at Evan as Jimmy crawled out of his lap. The other boy was looking over at Jimmy with a fondly exasperated look and Patton blinked, studying him. The look was strangely familiar. He studied Evan a little more intently. He was wearing clothing that was far too big for him and looking at them, they looked very familiar. He recognized that shirt from being on a taller body earlier.
It took him a few moments, but Patton was not stupid. The missing guardian, the way he’d looked at his hand earlier and grimaced, the clothes… Patton tilted his head to look and saw the soulmark on the Evan’s wrist that matched the one on Jimmy’s forearm.
He was a shapeshifter. It was the only thing that made sense. Evan was the man who usually came in with Jimmy. He must have shifted himself to look like an adult and shifted the scar off his face. It would explain why he seemed afraid earlier when Patton had been looking at the scar. He must have lost his shift when he’d tackled Patton.
Patton didn’t voice his revelation as he got to his feet to grab a different juice box from the bakery refrigerator.
The question then, of course, became what the circumstances were that made Evan need to shape shift to look older so frequently. It clearly wasn’t a game. From the little Patton knew about that specific superpower, it took a lot of energy and the power usually was one that wouldn’t fully develop until his late teens. He remembered a girl in high school came fully into her powers during their last year. She shifted into one of the teachers once for a joke and then proceeded to consume an entire pizza because it had burnt so many calories. Yet, Evan had managed to consistently fully shift into a convincing adult on a regular basis. It was impressive, but extremely worrying. Patton’s and the unfilled soulmark were the only ones on Evan’s and Jimmy’s faces which painted a worrying picture. No one was taking care of them, were they?
So, Patton guessed it fell to him now. The last thing he’d expected was to become a dad today or ever really, but that’s what was happening.
“What’s on your face?” Evan asked Jimmy as Patton walked back over.
Jimmy’s eyes flickered to Patton, telling Patton that he already very well knew what it was. “Sprinkle,” he muttered.
“Bullshit!”
“That’s maybe not the best word to use, don’t you think,” Patton said with a frown. “It’s a bit mean.”
Evan narrowed his eyes at Patton. “You’re not my dad,” he hissed. Jimmy twitched nervously at that. Evan must have noticed because his head shot to look at him. “What?”
“Um…” Jimmy reached forward and pushed the silver reflective napkin dispenser towards him.
Evan looked into it, blinked, and touched the filled in mark on his face. “What the fuck?”
“That’s not a nice word,” Patton said.
Evan looked at him, lips pulling into a snarl. His teeth almost seemed to sharpen… in fact considering he was a shapeshifter they may have. “Go stick a cactus up your fucking ass.”
“O-oh,” said Patton, startled.
Evan turned on Jimmy. “What the hell is going on?”
“You saved him, fate was changed, and so we got more soulmarks,” Jimmy explained calmly. Jimmy reached to take Patton’s hand and Patton let him. He showed the marks on the back of Patton’s hand.
“Absolutely not!” said Evan, standing up and shaking his head. “Nope, this isn’t happening. We aren’t doing that.”
“I-” Patton said, but Evan cut him off, putting his arms out in front of him like he was trying to keep Patton away from him even though Patton hadn’t taken a step towards him.
“I am not putting myself at the mercy of some random person just because I got a weird freckle on my face,” he said. The way he phrased it combined with everything else he’d inferred about their current situation made bile rise in Patton’s throat. “Fuck that noise!”
“It wouldn’t be like that,” Patton promised.
“I’m not an idiot,” Evan retorted.
“You stayed with me because of a soulmark,” Jimmy said softly.
Evan hesitated. “That’s different,” he stammered. “A-and I would have stayed without it.” They looked at each other for a long moment. Jimmy crossed his arms. Evan looked lost and stressed. “We can’t,” Evan said. “You know why we can’t.”
“You don’t have to stay with me,” Patton said even though the thought broke his heart. It was not about him, he knew. There was something else going on and as much as he wanted to grab them both and bundle them up in bubble wrap, soulmarks or no, he could tell it wouldn’t go over well. “I won’t keep you, but why don’t you come to my house, just for a visit. I’ll cook you something good for dinner and you two can get cleaned up. Maybe you can even sleep for a bit. Then you can leave in the morning or at any point if you want. How about that?”
“Like I’m supposed to believe you’re actually giving us a choice,” Evan said bitterly. “I know adults. They lie and break promises all the time.”
“Go then,” Patton said even though it stung. The worst thing he could do right now was try to make them stay. Clearly, they’d been hurt before, been trapped before. He wouldn’t do the same thing to them again. He had to believe fate would bring them back no matter what they chose. “I won’t stop you. I’ll ask that you take my address just in case you change your mind, but I’d never force someone to stay with me.”
“You’re lying,” Evan said.
“I’m not.”
“You’ll call the cops on us as soon as we go and have them deliver us to your doorstep. They won’t even question it because of our soulmarks.”
“No,” Patton said.
He searched Patton’s face for a long time and then he looked at Jimmy. Jimmy just bit his lip and looked down. “I can’t see right now,” he said. “Anything. On the streets would be more dangerous.” Patton wasn’t sure what that meant, but it seemed to stress Evan out even more.
He looked back at Patton.
“One night,” Evan said. “You don’t separate us and there needs to be a way for us to leave at any time.”
“Okay,” Patton agreed with a soft smile. He was relieved. They were giving him a chance. He just had to do his best to convince them to stay.
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Part 5
#sanders sides#janus sanders#remus sanders#patton sanders#remy sanders#platonic demus#adriana writes#everything's fine universe#roll the dice 13#roll the dice#child abuse#homelessness#malnutrition#acid burns#soulmate au#superhero au#platonic intruality#platonic moceit#platonic mosleep#car crash#blood#death mentioned
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Coffee (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}
Title: Coffee Rating: PG-13 Length: 2700 Warnings: A brief discussion about abortions. Notes: You can find the Maybe Today, Maybe Forever Timeline here. And release order here. Set early February 1998. My personal headcanon for Reader/Annie is Phoebe Tonkin and Elena is Camilla Mendes. They are supposed to look strikingly similar. And if you don’t know my backstory for Reader it’s alluded to in this chapter. Summary: Reader meets up with an old acquaintance.
Taglist: @grapemama @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes @thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow @hiscyarika @plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501 @fioccodineveautunnale @roxypeanut @just-add-butter @snivellusim @amarvelousmandalorian @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @exrebelshocktrooper @awesomefandomsunited @ah-callie @swhiskeys @lady-tano @beskar-droids @space-floozy @cable-kenobi @longitud-de-onda @cool-ultra-nerd @himbopoes @findhimfives @pedrosdoll @seeking-a-great--perhaps @frietiemeloen @arrowswithwifi @random066 @uncomicalhumour @heather-lynn @domino-oh-damn @cyarikaaa @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage @ksgeekgirl @yabby-girl @xqueenofthecraziesx @punkass-potato @coredrive @pascalesque @theduchessofkirkcaldy @queenquazar @sabinemorans @buckstaposition (if I forget to tag you, I’m sorry)
Elena greeted you with a warm hug, “It’s so good to see you again. It has been such a long time.”
“I know.” You squeezed her back, before you released her and sat down at the table. “You look good.”
“So do you.” Elena assured you as she sat down across from you. “I did not know you and Javier were here in Miami. What a small world.”
You laughed, “When Connie mentioned someone from Colombia who bore a resemblance to me…” You gestured between the two of you, “I was shocked.”
She nodded, “As was I. When Connie found me on Monday and told me about the connection, I was floored.” Elena rested her chin on her palm, propping her elbow on the table. “Of all the people I knew in Colombia.”
“I tried to get Javier to come, but…” You shrugged, chewing on your bottom lip. Javier couldn’t understand why you were so determined to meet with one of his informants — especially since that part of his life was well and truly in the past. But it wasn’t that. You had actually liked Elena. There were no hard feelings towards her.
She deserved better than the situation she was in in Colombia.
“The last time I saw him, you had just told him you were pregnant.” Elena mused with a slight smirk. “I had never seen Javier scared before. After everything he’d endured, it was the promise of fatherhood that brought him to his knees.”
You smiled wistfully. “It wasn’t the best situation.”
“No,” Elena shook her head slowly. “I told him years before he should’ve acted on his feelings. But he ignored me.”
“What?” Your brows furrowed.
Elena gestured between the two of you, “The first time I met him, I could’ve sworn he’d seen a ghost.”
A knot coiled in the pit of your belly. You weren’t a fool — you had known that your similarities with Elena were no coincidence. He hadn’t just sought her out for her the information. “I remember walking into that motel room and…” You frowned.
Years later, you still didn’t know how to explain your feelings on that situation. It wasn’t like you and Elena were identical, but it was close enough that if you squinted the similarities were all there. It had left you with a strange fire in your veins.
“He adored you.” Elena stated firmly. “I was almost jealous that there was a good man like him left to pine after someone who didn’t want him.”
You shook your head, “I wanted him, I just… You know how Javier was.”
“I do.” She agreed. “I’m glad things worked out for the two of you. Javier was one of the few good men who came through the doors of the brothel. He deserved a happy ending.”
“He’s the best father. Those girls are his everything.” You told her.
“Girls?”
You laughed and nodded, “We have two daughters now.”
“Connie didn’t mention that.” She laughed. “Javier is a father two times over?”
“Sofía will be one in June.”
“Congratulations.” Elena smiled at you. “What do you do now? I assume you are not with the DEA.”
“Javier teaches,” You explained. “And I’m contracted with the Miami PD to handle narcotics training.”
“Still kicking ass.” Elena brought her coffee cup to her lips and took a sip. “I’m impressed.”
You grabbed your purse off the back of the chair, pulling out your wallet. “This was our family photo for Christmas.” You said as you slid the picture across the table.
“Look at the four of you!” She grinned at you, “You have a beautiful family.”
You beamed, “They're pretty cool, I guess.” Elena passed the picture back to you and you stared down at it. “I can’t believe how big Josie is getting.”
The photographer had been so frustrated with you. He was determined to get the classic Christmas card picture with the tree in the background and one of the kids holding a present. But that wasn’t your style. You both wanted a picture that represented your family.
Javier had worn a pair of dark blue slacks with a white shirt. He’d rolled up his sleeves to his elbow and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt beneath a tie Josie had picked out. Neither of you were the Christmas sweater type. You had, however, gotten the girls matching dresses, navy blue with silver snowflakes. And your own silver maxi dress was meant to tie the four of you together.
You loved all the pictures from the shoot, but the one you carried around was your favorite. Josie was sitting in her father’s lap, cheesing for the camera, while you sat beside him with your cheek against his shoulder as you helped Sofía balance on her feet in front of you. It wasn’t a picture-perfect Christmas card family — but it was all yours.
“Are you living with your cousin?” You questioned, lifting your gaze back to her as you tucked the photo back into your wallet.
“You remembered! Santiago lives in Tampa. I lived with him while I went to school, but I’m on my own now.” Elena explained with a polite smile. “He visits when he can.”
“That’s great. I’m glad you have family nearby.”
“He helped a lot when I first arrived.” She shook her head slowly, “I just knew I couldn’t stay in Colombia.”
“I’m glad you got out when you did.” You assured her, “Things were heating up near the end.”
“I’m sure it was.” She nodded, “What prompted the two of you to leave?”
You tucked a lock of hair behind your ear, leaning your elbow against the table as you looked out the window to your right. “The DEA wasn’t exactly thrilled that I was pregnant,” You explained. “They did everything in their power to make me miserable and it worked. After Josie was born, Javier and I came clean about who the father was and I was let go.” You shrugged. “He quit and we left the country.”
Elena rolled her eyes, “I’m not surprised the rest of the DEA are swine.”
“They certainly were.” You laughed, “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’m actually working on exposing them.”
“Really?”
You nodded. “Javier requested all of the files my name was in. It’s a stack of them.” You sank back in your seat, glancing out the window again. “We’ve got a reporter covering it. The first article is supposed to drop in the Washington Post next month.”
“Holy shit.” She leaned against the table. “You’re really trying to take them down, aren’t you?”
You rubbed at the back of your neck as you looked back at her, “They omitted me entirely from the reports about Escobar. It’s just Steve and Javi.”
She frowned, “But you were right there.”
“Yeah.” Your brows furrowed and you shook your head. “They essentially redacted me from the history books, simply because I had Josie.”
“That’s bullshit.” She took another sip of her coffee, staring at you. “You were so dedicated to your job. Not only was that plain to see when we worked together, but Javier…” She pressed her lips together. “He was proud of you.”
“Did he really talk about me that much?”
Elena shrugged, “I did not expect to see him again after the first time you and I worked together. I don’t know if he realizes how much he said without really saying anything. But it was clear he cared about you more than as just a partner.”
You sat up a little straighter then. “We’ve had a lot of discussions about that period in our lives. It’s just nice to hear from an outside source that I wasn’t alone in my… feelings.”
Elena pushed her hair behind her shoulders, smiling a little at you. “I really thought he was an idiot for not saying something to you. I did try to get him to.”
You laughed, shaking your head. “Luckily we are better about talking things through. It’s an uphill battle sometimes, but we try.” You leaned against the table. “So, how’d you get into social work?”
“It felt natural. I wanted to do something to give back. Ideally, I would like to work with women who are in difficult situations, but the hospital is a stepping stone to that.” Elena took another sip of coffee. “I’ve been volunteering at a women’s shelter downtown, which has been really fulfilling.”
You smiled, “I wish I had more time to help the community. Javi’s got a full class schedule this semester and Monica is juggling a lot on her plate.”
“Monica?” Elena questioned with an arched brow.
“Oh.” You laughed softly as you grabbed your wallet again, shuffling through the pictures before you produced a picture that had been taken at Thanksgiving. “Monica is one of Javier’s students. We’ve essentially adopted her into our family.”
She gave you a look.
“Her parents are not… understanding. To put it lightly.” You explained, “She’s been helping us with the girls, but she just started dating a really sweet girl and I don’t want her missing out on that.”
Her eyes widened, “Ah.”
“Exactly,” You shrugged with a short laugh. “We tried to get her to join us for the family photo at Christmas, but the lure of Nadia was too strong. They have this arcade they go to all the time.” You rolled your eyes. “I don’t get the appeal.”
An incredulous sound escaped Elena as she stared at you, “You really did it, didn’t you?”
“Did what?”
“Domesticated Javier Peña.”
You laughed loudly, much to the annoyance of the older couple sitting at the table behind you. “Sorry.” You offered, before looking back at Elena. “He’s extremely domesticated.” You grinned. “The man has a favorite coffee mug.”
Elena chuckled, “That’s the sort of life both of you deserve.”
“I appreciate that.” You smiled at her. “Honestly, I thought I’d end up married to my work. Javier and Josie changed my life and I couldn’t be happier.”
“You’re a stronger woman than I am,” Elena said with a warm smile. “If I had been in your situation, I don’t know if I would’ve chosen the motherhood route.”
You took a sip of coffee, nodding your head slowly. “I didn’t even consider the alternative.” You admitted quietly, “I was ready and willing to do this alone if Javier didn’t want to be involved. It would’ve broken my heart, I think, but… she was the best accident.” You bit down on your bottom lip, thinking for a minute. “My own childhood wasn’t great.”
“Really?”
You rubbed your lips together, giving a slight nod. “I overcame it, I came out on top, but… I don’t want my girls to have to work that hard to be loved. No one should have to feel like love is conditional. Monica, Josie, Sofía deserve better than that.” You raked your fingers through your hair. “I think that’s why, with Josie… I didn’t even consider having an abortion. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be the mother I never had.”
Elena reached across the table and squeezed your hand, “And look at the life you’ve built from that decision.”
“We should have coffee again sometime,” You suggested. “There’s no reason to be strangers in a city that is clearly small.”
“I would like that,” She patted your hand, before reaching for her coffee cup once more. “And please send Javier my best. He was a good man and he finally has the life he deserves.”
“He’ll appreciate that.” You finished off the last of your coffee. Your eyes flickered to your wristwatch, “Shit. I need to pick up the kids.” You said as you got up, pulling your purse across your chest. “Thank you again, Elena.”
“I’m glad we reconnected,” Elena said as she stood up, “I’m sure we’ll see each other again.”
You exchanged a brief hug with her, before you ducked out of the coffee shop and headed for your car. You were relieved that the meeting had gone well — though you had expected it to. You’d worked alongside Elena a handful of times back in Colombia, where it was necessary that you play a part to get intel and she’d always been gracious to you.
Outside of the first time you met her at the motel room, there was no lingering awkwardness there. Though you had a sneaking suspicion that more of his informants had known about you than just Elena. Considering how bad Javier was at keeping your second pregnancy secret, you figured he’d had a case of loose lips when it came to you.
This was definitely going to come up with Nancy. If not straight from you, from Javier’s sessions. You were certain, with each passing session, Nancy was finding the two of you more and more unusual. Especially given the fact that Nancy had devoted an entire session to try to work out whether you held resentment towards Javier for sleeping with informants — as if you hadn’t as well.
It was just never something that concerned you. It didn’t affect your relationship with Javier whatsoever. Sure, Elena bore a striking resemblance to you, but Steve had made you aware of the fact that you’d gone after men that even reminded him of Javier.
Gotta love a good proxy.
As you settled into your car your phone started ringing.
“Hey,” You said after you pulled it free from your purse. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Oh yeah?” Javier countered with a short chuckle. “I was thinking about you too, baby. You done with coffee?”
“Just got in the car to head over and pick up Josie.” You told him, shouldering the phone so you could buckle your seatbelt. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to see how it went.” He cleared his throat and you could practically feel his nerves through the phone. “How… How’d it go?”
“We spent the entire time gossiping about you.” You teased, trying to allay his worries. “We just caught up, Javi. It was nothing deeply profound.”
Javier grumbled, “But you did talk about me?”
You rolled your eyes, putting your keys into the ignition and starting the car off. The radio came on, blasting Los Del Rio’s hit, and you quickly turned the knob to turn it down. “Of course we talked about you, Javi. Did you think you wouldn’t be brought up?”
“I just…” Javier trailed off and for a second you thought the call had dropped. “I used to tell her a lot more than I should’ve.”
“I gathered this.” You laughed softly. “But I also recall you told another informant that I was pregnant.”
“Yes.”
“You were a terrible agent Javier.” You said lightly. “Loose lips sink ships.”
“I just couldn’t tell the right person.” He remarked, sighing heavily. “At least I’ve made up for it.”
“Have you?” You countered, chewing on your bottom lip. “Do you have any plans this weekend?”
“Working on next week’s slides. Why, baby?”
“We should go out.” You suggested. “We haven’t really had a date since Sof was born. We could give Le Mystere a try.”
Javier hummed, “The new Mediterranean place off Washington?”
“I know you’ve been dying to try it.” You smiled, “Come on, Javi. We deserve a kid-free night.”
“I’ll give Steve a call after we get off the phone.” Javier drawled out, “See if I can get us a reservation tomorrow.”
“I thought you’d jump on this opportunity.” It had been a long time since the two of you had actually had a real date. It was hard to balance two careers, two kids, and still manage to get a decent night of sleep.
“How could I say ‘no’, baby?” He chuckled. “What’s the occasion?”
“I love you. Do I need an occasion, Javi?”
“No, you don’t. But you’ve got me looking forward to the weekend now.” He chuckled, “Alright, lemme get off the phone and get us a reservation.”
“Perfect. I’m gonna go get the kids.”
“See you at home, baby.”
“See you soon.” You smiled as you hung up the phone, tossing it into the passenger seat beside you.
Sure, you both had been more than willing to try new things, but the old thing — just the two of you — was pretty good too. Dinner out, the house to yourselves… Hopefully this time you won’t accidentally fall asleep after dinner, because you were breaking in the newest lingerie set you’d bought.
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“you win again” fic tidbit (ace/paul, 1988) (pg-13)
I mentioned that this story was in the works awhile back. It’s about 40 percent there, I’d say. I stuck it under a cut because it’s a bit long. There’s a very obvious gap between the second and third parts that needs cleaning up, but the gist is there.
teaser: The truth is, his own distaste for the era makes it obvious he’s not a part of it. Paul can’t keep up with what’s in now, and that’s the surest sign he’s out. Thirty-six is too close to forty. Too old to play the game. He’s square. He’s fucking square.
“you win again”
by Ruriruri
No one knows the man he may become when he loses his self-respect. —Camille
There’s nothing to recommend the Cat Club. The big names don’t come here, just the has-beens. The security’s perfunctory. The parties laughable. But Paul comes anyway. Frequently. All the Cat Club asks out of him is a shave and a bit of halfassed charm, and all he gets in return is a drink and maybe a lay and the vaguest passing memory of the way things used to be.
Studio 54, the Ice Palace, all the old haunts are carcasses. Paul’s heard that the Limelight’s in now, their club owner some one-eyed, painfully straight Canadian, which is a sure sign the scene’s got to be dead in the water. Kids ten, fifteen years younger than him run the promotions. The shit that he remembers, aquariums underfoot at the discotheques, coke handed out at the door, orgies downstairs, all that’s gone. The big clubs get their pull from day-glo bright mascot characters and raunchy freakshows, pure excess that makes for a lousy bedfellow with AIDS and designer drugs. He doesn’t understand the appeal. He gets cynicism; he gets hedonism. But the nihilism he finds utterly repulsive.
The truth is, his own distaste for the era makes it obvious he’s not a part of it. Paul can’t keep up with what’s in now, and that’s the surest sign he’s out. Thirty-six is too close to forty. Too old to play the game. He’s square. He’s fucking square.
The lines on his face aren’t too bad. His cheekbones are maybe more prominent than they need to be. Paul’s watched Gene’s weight fluctuate over the years and hated the way it scared the hell out of him. They’d sworn to each other way back that they’d diet off at least twenty pounds apiece before they’d dare get a real band together. Paul’d kept that weight off, and more, but to Gene, it’s just become another mostly tossed aside tenet. The way he looks doesn’t matter to him. Maybe it shouldn’t anymore. He’s had Cher and Diana Ross and he has Shannon Tweed now. Great girls, all of them, better than the vapidly beautiful women Paul’s tried to make a go of it with. If Gene can attract all of them without giving a shit about his weight or his looks, maybe Paul ought not to care so much.
Except, as always, Gene’s looks just aren’t the appeal. Gene’s being in a band isn’t even exactly the appeal, no; Gene would probably still be stacking away entire albums of Polaroids if he were a senator or a school superintendent. Gene’s appeal is Gene. The total package. Confidence glimmering like grease on a burger.
Paul’s no total package of anything. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. His looks get him into beds, sometimes, and his personality gets him right back out of them before too long. Twenty-one years with Hilsen and there’s still nothing he can do about the latter, but he can at least try to preserve the former.
But what really bothers him about his mirror’s reflection isn’t the age imprinting itself on his face, or the three or four grays he plucks every month, or even the way his hair’s gradually gotten thinner, the curls more like frayed wires, brittle from years of dye and bleach and teasing. It’s the look in his eyes. Sometimes he catches a glimpse of something wholly desperate in them. And it’s not just in scattered, low moments on tour or in the privacy of his own bathroom. He’s caught that look playing back tapes of himself guest-VJing and interviewing on MTV. It’s the look of somebody—somebody scraping for relevance.
He’s ashamed of that. Ashamed because that look got in his eyes so fast, ashamed because he wasn’t able to savor those scant moments of being on top. He remembers thinking ten years ago, so cocky and self-assured, that the Stones were getting sloppy and long in the tooth, that maybe they needed to bow out before they got to be a bigger embarrassment onstage. They’d come out with Some Girls later that year, so what the hell did he know. What the hell did he know about anything.
There’s legends, real legends. Real greatness. There’s rockstars and then there’s rock gods. Chuck Berry. Muddy Waters. The Beatles, the Stones, fuck, even the Beach Boys with their obnoxious California sound created something eternal. KISS hasn’t. KISS won’t. KISS peaked at lunchboxes and pinball machines, and KISS descended—well, KISS is still descending. It’s just a matter of time before Gene lets the whole enterprise fold like a lawn chair.
Too close to forty, Paul takes a seat at an empty table and orders a Pepsi, and he tries to look for a girl the way a security guard might look for a shoplifter. His vantage point isn’t great. The crowd isn’t great. But maybe there’s someone he could waste his time with, someone that would humor him for an evening.
He hasn’t had that in longer than he wants to admit.
Oh, he’s with people. He’s with Samantha, but the age gap depresses the hell out of him. There’s always that tacit understanding between entertainers, anyhow, the knowledge that they’re both going to fool around on each other that goes almost unmentioned. Sometimes he wants to make a clean break of it, start something sincere, whether with her or some other girl, stripped away from the publicity rags, but then his own lonesomeness gets the better of him. Like right now. It’s just not enough to be wanted by one girl when he used to be wanted by thousands. It’s not enough to fill two-thirds of an auditorium when he’d once played Madison Square Garden.
It’s just empty.
He sees a tall, pretty blonde before too long, by herself and practically poured into a sparkling silver dress, hair wildly permed. He’s about to make a move towards her when he hears a sound that stops him dead in his tracks. It’s not so much a laugh as a cackle. He hasn’t heard it in two years at least, but he’d recognize it on his deathbed.
It’s Ace Frehley. Ace Frehley, here at the Cat Club.
--
Paul’s never known Ace to go anywhere unaccompanied. Now’s no exception. Standing with him is some long-haired guy that Paul doesn’t recognize from the rock scene. Not that that means much, these days. Ace’s arm is looped behind the guy’s shoulders, though the guy doesn’t seem too comfortable with it. Paul purses his lips, trying to gauge their relationship from fifteen feet away, but it doesn’t end up mattering. Ace spots him after not even five seconds, and stumbles to him, with the guy in tow.
“Paul! How are you, man?”
“Ace,” he says, standing up on automatic, reaching for Ace’s free hand. Ace’s palm is damp in his.
“Oh, oh, lemme introduce you, Paulie, this is--” and Ace untangles his other arm from the guy, “this is Gordon. Gordon, y’know who this is.”
“Paul Stanley,” Paul says anyway, offering his hand again. Gordon takes it with all the cursory indifference of being introduced to a fourth cousin at a funeral.
“Gordon plays keyboard,” Ace says. “He’s real good.”
“Cool.” Paul can feel his mouth twist a bit. It’s petty to already be bristling a bit, only a few sentences in, but he can’t seem to stop himself. He’s so used to faking being cordial that the words still come out warmly enough to his own ear. “C’mon, have a seat. Plenty of room.”
--
“He’s using you.”
“I know.”
“Don’t you care?”
Ace shrugs.
“I’m running low on friends, Paul.” A quick quirk to his mouth. “Maybe you are, too.”
“I only ever had the one.”
“Bullshit. You still got at least three, if you want them.”
--
“I’ve got a place in California. This is just a rental,” Paul lies. He owns this shitty apartment outright. “My parents are getting older, y’know, it’s good to have somewhere close by. And Ericka--”
“She’s gotta be in high school now.”
“She’s graduating in May.”
“Shit, man.” Ace shakes his head. “Monique’s gonna be eight this year.”
“I’ll send her something.”
Ace waves his hand absently.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“C’mon, let me--”
“You ain’t sent her anything in six years. Don’t start now.” Ace pauses, glancing at Paul in a flickering, fleeting way, and then he shakes his head. “Sorry, man, I didn’t mean it bad.”
Paul doesn’t say anything else for awhile, just crosses over to the kitchenette and opens the refrigerator. He takes out two Diet Cokes, handing one over to Ace, who looks at it before handing it back.
“’S fine. I’m not thirsty.”
“I don’t have any alcohol, Ace.”
“I don’t really want it.”
“You don’t?”
Ace shakes his head.
“What do you want?”
“Dinner and a movie, Paulie.” Ace’s mouth quirks up. “Dinner, we’ll have some of your fucking Lucky Charms; movie, we’ll put on an porno.”
“Ace--”
“What’ve you got, anyway?” And he’s scurrying to the T.V. set. Beneath it is his tape player and a few stacks of movies still in their packaging. His workout tapes. And there--
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(I made a fanfic!!! It's also up on whattpad and is far better.)
Saved from damnation chapter 1. (a La squadra x reader fanfic. Any errors shall be duely noted and hopefully corrected!)
Risotto had told you not to leave. That was what you were going to do. He asked that you stay safe because he wanted at least a fraction of the old team to be able to move on. He said that to you before he left to go and fight the boss so you stayed in the hideout waiting on that string of hope that maybe one of them would return.
You laid down on the sofa. Quietly refreshing the message page, waiting for one of them to say something, anything. Just to prove to you that they might just come back. This place was normally humming with Fromaggio’s silly little jokes and Illusio’s snarky comebacks. It felt like a ghost town. You placed the laptop on the coffee table opposite you.
You let out a deep sigh as you snuggled into one of Illu’s spare jacket that you were using as a blanket, pulling it tighter around your shoulders. You really miss them. As you hug the stuffed fish you borrowed off of Pecsi to use as a cushion. You were going to have to apologise for borrowing their stuff without their permission. You had borrowed one thing off of everybody. You were wearing one of Risotto’s hats, he had actually gotten you one of your own but it was just nicer to feel like he was there. You had figured out that Prosci had copies of his necklace clearly just in case his current one got damaged was your best guess. You also borrowed Melone’s laptop to check up on updates on the board the guys where using. The leftover ice cream Giha had made was gone you loved it as always. You had you had a football game on quietly in the background because it reminded you of Froma. You slowly let your eyes close as you fell asleep feeling safe, warm, and like they were all there.
You missed all of them so much.
It was a massive blow when Sorbet and Gelato died, they were the first ones to openly care about you or call you a friend and over the years you knew the pair of them you had never had a bad experience with either. They were the kind, gay uncles you would never replace for the world. One time they were all going to go out on the town for the evening as was very normal for them on weekends because they work stressful jobs that are break-neck not only metaphorically but also quite literally. They live every moment to the fullest as they should. However, at the time you were still only 13 and that meant you had to stay back at home and you insisted that it would be fine. But Sor and Lat decided that they didn’t feel like going out that night. They stayed behind to take care of you. It was a fun evening full of studio Ghibli movies and junk food. Needless to say, these where more of common occurrence between the three of you that started to drag the rest of them in until it was a tradition they all did together, almost as a family. They haven’t done them since.
Not much time had really passed before Fromaggio died. This hit hard as well because he was like your brother. His puns where always the funniest shit to you, especially thinking back to them at 2 am. You absolutely loved watching him get passionate about football because he would talk on and on and you’d listen to all of it. It was fascinating to you in a way it never was before. It made you wonder what had changed in the weeks you’d known him at that point. Maybe it was because you became more open in general. No threat of violence against you was ever actually followed through on and you felt the safest you’d ever felt. It was lovely. You also love to hang out with his cats. They were always so pleasant critters to be around and you often asked to just play with his cats with him. Hoe told you that it was unusual to him. They were always happy around you which he couldn’t say was true for him, because they would scratch and yell when he’s trying to hug them. He said that you, “Have the gift. You can pet the fuzzy babies without them trying to claw your eyes out.”
Then Illusio disappeared. You two weren’t as close but there was still a mutual enjoyment of each-others presence. He seemed to really enjoy doing your hair which was good because you really liked being the test subject for his hairstyle ideas. Seeing new things done with your hair gave you a feeling of warm contentment. Listening to him spreading rumours about his friends, never serious and always rather funny, another highlight was. He could, and would, roast absolutely anyone and everyone. He wasn’t quiet when he disapproved of something, and you’d hear about that too.
Then Pros’ and Pecsi’s remains were found…
Pros’ death hit like a train. It was an odd coincidence because of what you were told about his final moments. You felt like you were being slowly torn apart by the news of your friend’s, no, family’s deaths. Each man fallen left a deep wound on you. By the end of the long week, you had no more tears left as you sat on your bed staring blankly at the faded world around you. You saw him as like your second dad. He may have been snarky and harsh, but it never got to the point where it wasn’t legit criticism. He seemed to know all the best words to keep you going. Pushing the limits of your abilities, to run that extra minute, to do those extra reps. You were driven to near-breaking, but never over. There was always an end, and with him helping you, it became easier to use and control the abilities you seemed to have gained. He called a part of your Stand which Riso had recently explained to you was a manifestation of your spirit and subconscious. Every week you trained the abilities became refined, it eventually got to the point that she occasionally showed herself.
Pecsi was like your older younger brother. His confidence issues had him constantly stumbling over basic interactions that you tried to help to varying degrees of success. You were also very affectionate because it made him become a blushing mess and you found it to be quite funny. He got used to it eventually and it became just another odd thing that you just, did. When you were watching a movie that was even a little scary you two clung to each-other, shaking like leaves. This led to most of the group joking about you two being a thing, earning them a very flustered Pineapple, and scowls that could have murdered from you. The number of times you had to be pulled off the lad because you where petrified by the movie, was higher than the number of times Pecsi had doubted himself. On those nights he insisted on sleeping in your room, because the pair of you were normally too afraid of being on your own. It got so common that you actually asked if you could get a convertible sofa in your room, so he didn’t have to sleep on the floor. It wasn’t too great of an expense so your request was granted. Having him near gave you a certain solace. He was big and he was also rather strong, but he was such a huge teddy bear that he was about as threatening as a kitten. It was comforting, you felt safe.
When Melone and Gihaggio were sent on the suicide mission to go and kidnap Trish. you had tried to beg for the both of them to not go. Both responded that they didn’t have a choice and they had to at least try. Safe to say neither of them came back…
Melo was your favourite teacher because he was funny and always willing to help with anything he could. That ranged from helping you learn more complex Italian that you otherwise wouldn’t have ever gotten, to homework that was otherwise neglected. He also seemed to absolutely adore helping you with the schoolwork that was sent to you, well a post office near you, from a long distance schooling initiative that was set up to help kids like you. Those who couldn’t go to a real school for their own safety. His patience was saintly, and his enthusiasm, seemingly boundless. He never got angry at you for not understanding straight away, and was willing to re-explain everything to you. He also seemed so much happier every second he was with you. You felt appreciated.
Gihaggio was never your favourite person. That was because he was only ever in a bad mood. He was told to help with your education when Melo wasn’t there, this led to quite the tally of near scares. His lashing out was a terror to you, because your father and sister would get like that. When he saw you flinch at his raised fist and yelling, he would redirect and be forced to apologise later by one of the others. It very rarely got to blind rage, and never escalated to violence against you. This was simply due to him knowing that it would be a death sentence from how protective Melone was over her. When forced to apologise he tended to make ice-cream because he: “Has a hard time using his words” as Melone put it.
As Risotto walked out of the door, you couldn’t help but feel as though you were being abandoned. He was the last real member of your family that you had, and he was walking out into a guaranteed death. There was nothing you could do. He was the one who found you; it took a few days to trust him at all. It was a delicate process that took at least four days for you to accept food directly given from him, he had to put it on a tray and step back a few steps. He spoke some pretty all right English so you and him would have fairly regular chats. When you were finally allowed out of the room he helped with translation.
They were your family at the end of the day.
“They would come back eventually. Then we’d all go grab some ice-cream to apologise for leaving me alone for so long.” You muttered to yourself before dozing quietly off.
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Rose Tattoo [Chapter Five]
Rating: PG-13 (this chapter is a little heavy! See the TW below)
Summary: Stevie has her first appointment with her new therapist. She and Cal take a walk in Central Park but a figure from his past ruins their night.
Word Count: 7.3k
TW: This chapter includes suicidal thoughts, self harm, anxiety, depression, talk of mental illness and past abuse. The first half of the chapter is a little heavy. If you need to skip the first half (or the entire chapter itself), please do so.
CH. 1 | CH. 2 | CH. 3 | CH. 4 | SERIES MASTERLIST
The chair that Stevie had been stuck in for nearly an hour had been comfortable at first. It was plush, cushioned and roomy enough for her to not feel constricted, but as she fidgeted anxiously, it grew increasingly uncomfortable. She couldn’t find a position that worked for her, nothing made her feel at ease, so she settled for sitting with one leg beneath her and bouncing her other knee as she stared at the clock on the wall.
She found herself all too aware of her surroundings. The ticking of the clock thundered in her ears, each second passing felt like a lifetime and seemed to mock her as it melted away. The hiss of the heater, the metallic screech of the vent above her head, sent goosebumps erupting across her skin. The unbearable heat of the office felt suffocating and made it that much harder for her to breathe as she sat and waited for her appointment to begin.
She hadn’t been to a therapist since high school and she felt a bit of residual resentment as she glanced around the office. She had been forced then, dragged against her will to sit and talk to a stranger after her mother spotted new scars on her thighs and didn’t know how to handle it, and hated every moment of it. She felt alone, misunderstood, and didn’t want the rationality that her therapist offered her. She wanted to wallow, to live in her misery and let it drown her, but not this time.
This time, she went willingly.
After her first visit to her therapist as a teenager, Stevie was medicated. She was given something she considered an all-purpose drug meant to tackle her anxiety and all of the nasty things that came with it and, for a while, she was fine with it. She had long since stopped caring what anyone thought of her and if medication made her mind a safer place for her to be, she knew that she could tune out the stigma surrounding it. However, when the medication made her feel like a stranger in her own skin, uncomfortable and more anxious than before, she made the decision to stop taking it and no one fought her.
Her doctor declared that someone so young - she was barely sixteen at the time - shouldn’t be on such a heavy medication. Her mother, a woman who had been on medication more than half her life for her own bipolar disorder, didn’t want Stevie to endure the same fate. They decided that she seemed fine, over the teen angst that resulted in her harming herself, and in a better state of mind after only six months on medication so they let it go.
She stopped taking her medicine and stopped seeing her therapist and learned how to hide her suffering a little better.
If you’d asked her, she would have told you that she was fine during that period and, for some parts of it, she was. She was functional, able to maintain high enough grades to earn academic scholarships and breeze through college. She made friends, she made memories, she lived; however, it often felt as though she were an outsider looking in. She kept her struggle hidden, only commenting on her lack of sleep or appetite when she was busy enough to cover it all up with a reasonable excuse, and felt that she was managing it adequately.
In the rough waters of depression and anxiety, Stevie had become a professional swimmer.
However, Angela’s death was something that she couldn’t manage, not even somewhat. She was the only person that Stevie confided in, the only one that knew from the hazy look in her eyes or the bouts of silence Stevie sometimes lapsed into just how deep in her head she was, and Stevie had returned that favor for her. But when Angela got sick, Stevie no longer had anyone to talk to. She couldn’t tell Angela how her illness was effecting her life. She couldn’t tell her that she was afraid of what would happen if she died.
When Angela died, Stevie couldn’t tell her just how much she would miss the best friend she’d ever had.
In the months leading up to Angela’s death, Stevie’s emotions grew more and more unmanageable. She returned to old habits, her thighs were covered with more new scars than she ever imagined she’d see, and began to isolate herself from her support net. She knew, rationally, that they would lend an ear and be sympathetic if she were to reach out to them. Everyone knew how close they were and how much they meant to one another. It was understandable, how she felt, but she’d managed her feelings for so long on her own by avoiding them, by pretending that they didn’t exist and removing herself from any situation that might force her to talk about them, that she didn’t know how to ask for help.
She wouldn’t have made the decision to see a therapist had it not been for the growing intensity of the intrusive thoughts. Her life had been falling apart for a while, long before Angela’s death, but that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Her family was falling apart before her very eyes, a process that began in her teen years but sped up after she left for college, and her mother was turning into someone she didn’t know. She didn’t know what she would return to when - if - she returned home and she had no idea how to cope with it all.
She was living her dream but it had turned into something of a nightmare.
Stevie didn’t want to die. She knew that. But it seemed like the only option that made sense. She had her dream apartment and her dream job in her dream city. She was young, free, and living the life she always imagined she would but she still wasn’t happy. If that wasn’t enough, she couldn’t imagine there being anything that would make her happy.
So why not end it all, if there was nothing left to live for?
The moment that thought crossed her mind, she knew that she needed help. She had a lot to live for, a lot to be happy about, and it was a chemical imbalance in her brain that was telling her she didn’t. Rationally, she knew that. But every time she stood by her window, staring down at the pavement below, and every time she spotted the bottle of sleeping pills she’d been prescribed but never used, she thought about how easy it would be. And that scared the shit out of her.
She wanted to live. And although the idea of sitting in a therapist’s office and taking medication for the foreseeable future wasn’t something she liked, she knew that it had to be done.
“Stevie?”
Stevie lifted her head, torn from her thoughts by the sound of a soft voice calling her name. She blinked away the unshed tears that lined her lashes and gave the doctor she’d booked an appointment with a tight smile as she stood from her chair. “That’s me,” she confirmed, holding out her hand for the doctor to take, “nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you, too, Stevie. I’m Audrey Maxwell. Come on in and we’ll get started,” Dr. Maxwell instructed, her tone gentle and patient smile lifting her lips as she ushered Stevie into her office.
Stevie bit back a sigh as she took a seat on the plush blue couch, settling into the corner and placing a pillow over her lap as she waited for Dr. Maxwell to take her own seat. She was young, no older than mid-thirties, and polished but not overly so. She had kind eyes and a gentle smile that Stevie imagined made it easy for people to trust her.
“Alright, Stevie,” Dr. Maxwell hummed, her voice light and tone airy as she placed a box of tissues on the coffee table that sat in front of Stevie, “what brings you to me today?”
Stevie wasn’t sure where to even begin. It was a culmination of a lifetime of anxiety and depression, of childhood trauma and teenage angst. It was her family falling apart, her best friend dying, her dream life not being enough to make her happy. It was thinking about suicide when she didn’t want to die.
“Life, I guess,” Stevie answered with a shrug as she stared at the throw pillow in her lap. “I’ve always been anxious and depressed. I was medicated for a while as a teenager but I hated how it made me feel so I stopped taking them. And things have just gotten worse since then.”
“How have they gotten worse?” Dr. Maxwell asked, her question gentle but a firm guidance for Stevie to delve into specifics.
“My best friend died a few months ago. We grew up together. She was more like my sister than anything and when she was here, I felt like I could deal with it. Things were bad before then.” Stevie hesitated for a moment, her tugging at a loose thread as she released a shuddering breath. “They’ve always been bad but it was manageable, at least.”
“Why don’t you start from the beginning, then?”
Stevie knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the beginning of the end was her childhood. However, she hadn’t exactly opened up to anyone - not even Angela - how how rough it had been. It wasn’t a time she liked reliving and she felt her heart begin to race as she recalled the events that pushed her to develop less than ideal coping mechanisms.
“My mom is bipolar,” she began, her voice shaking and her hands trembling despite her grip on the pillow. She didn’t dare look at Dr. Maxwell, she knew that she would cry if she did, so she kept her gaze on her lap as she continued. “She wasn’t handling it well when I was a kid so when she and my real dad divorced, he ended up getting custody. But as unstable as my mom was, he was worse.” Stevie paused, willing her voice not to crack as she swallowed thickly. “It was emotional abuse for years, telling me that no one loved me and my mom didn’t want me. He didn’t hit me until I was older but I was just a kid. I didn’t understand. I wondered why no one loved me. And it just… it was all downhill from there, I guess.”
Stevie fell silent for a long moment. She could hear her own ragged breathing, heavy and labored in her ears, and could feel her body shaking from the anxiety. She knew that her childhood was where her problems began, she knew that leaving her trauma unchecked for so many years was unhealthy, but thinking about it was hard. And talking about it was even harder so instead of dwelling, she moved forward.
“My mom got on meds, started seeing a new doctor, and got custody. Things were fine. We never talked about it because it was almost a competition to her. Her dad was abusive and my dad abused her, too. She had it worse and she told me that every time I bought it up. I didn’t feel like I had the right to be upset but when I got older and started to think about it, it hurt. I went to therapy and got medication but I hated it. So, I stopped taking the pills and stopped going and everyone just assumed I was better. I let them because I didn’t have a reason to be unhappy. I didn’t have a reason to be happy, either, though.”
Dr. Maxwell remained quiet as Stevie attempted to gather her thoughts. She watched as Stevie bounced her knee, tapped her fingers against the arm of the couch, and blinked back tears as she summed up the most recent years of her life. Her words rushed out in a flood, the dam breaking and her panic overwhelming her as she fully committed to honesty to get the help she knew she needed.
“I should be happy now. I have every reason to be,” Stevie stated, a pained laugh leaving her lips as she shook her head and brought hand up to her hair. “I’m living in my dream city in a great apartment and I have my dream job. I have everything I’ve ever wanted but I feel so guilty. I’m living my dream while everything else is falling apart.”
Stevie fell silent again, her nails digging into the arm of the couch as she swallowed the lump in her throat and offered a weak laugh. “My best friend, who should be here with me, is dead. My mom is off her meds and self-destructing and nothing I say seems to be helping. My step-dad is going to leave. My brother has already left and decided he doesn’t want to be part of the family anymore. I feel guilty for being here but I don’t want to go home and try to fix everyone else’s lives if that means destroying my own."
“Feeling guilty wanting to put yourself first is, unfortunately, a common experience. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less,” Dr. Maxwell acknowledged as she nudged the tissue box a little closer to Stevie. “You deserve happiness, Stevie. You have had a hard life and just because things are falling into place now doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to grieve for the things you’ve lost.”
Stevie listened and attempted to process Dr. Maxwell’s words as she acknowledged the circumstances she’d been placed in. “You shouldn’t have to destroy your life to fix someone else’s. I understand that you care and that you want what’s best for your family but you alone cannot fix them. You cannot control other people’s actions. The best you can do for your family is tell them how you feel and urge them to seek professional help for themselves. Your mother needs a doctor, Stevie, not her child telling her that going off her medication is unwise. You are doing what is best, what is healthiest, for you but putting those boundaries in place and I’m proud of you for that.”
Stevie bit her lip, unsure of how to respond to Dr. Maxwell’s assurances. “I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control,” she confessed, her grip loosening on the arm of the couch as she attempted to process what she’d just been told. “I couldn’t help Angela, I can’t help my mom; what can I do?”
“You can live your life,” Dr. Maxwell. answered, her tone gentle as she offered Stevie a soft smile. “I know that it’s hard to let go of control but you can only control yourself. You can help other people all day long but, at the end of the day, it’s up to them to accept that help. You have to take care of yourself, too.” Dr. Maxwell paused for a moment, her gaze on Stevie not scrutinizing but genuinely curious, before she asked, “What makes you happy, Stevie?”
Stevie almost felt ashamed that she had to stop and think about the things that made her happy. She hadn’t sought happiness in a long time and found that the answer didn’t just occur to her. She felt as if she were grasping for straws, looking for light in the darkness, and knew that she sounded unsure as she answered. “My dog,” she confessed, her voice quiet and small in the confines of the office, “and writing. I love walking in the snow, too.” She hesitated as another, more recent, source of happiness appeared in her thoughts. She didn’t want to voice it aloud, it felt too real, however, she wanted help and she knew that honesty was the only way to get it so she added, “And I met this guy recently. He makes me happy, too."
Dr. Maxwell nodded, a gentle movement as she asked, “What about these things makes you happy?”
When it came to Max, Stevie didn’t have to think about it. “My dog is always happy to see me. He loves me, even on the worst days. He can tell when I’m not feeling great and does whatever he can to make me feel better. He’ll lay on the couch with me or go on a walk without being dramatic or huffy about the weather if I need to get out of the apartment.” With writing, Stevie felt less sure. “As for writing, it’s just the one thing I’ve always been good at. It lets me escape and be whatever I want. It makes me feel like a person,” she admitted with a light shrug.
As she thought about Calum, Stevie paused. She didn’t know what it was about him that made her happy and she didn’t know how it came to be that when asked about happiness, she thought of him. There was just something about him that put her at ease and she appreciated it. She appreciated his presence and she told Dr. Maxwell as much.
“The guy, Calum, is nice. It’s easy to talk to him. I haven’t wanted to get to know anyone in a long time but I want to get to know him,” she stated, her voice small as she thought about the way Calum made her feel.
He made her feel happy, light and carefree when she was normally a ball of anxiety, and she selfishly wanted that to remain a constant in her life. But she felt that she had to give him something in return and she didn’t know what she could offer that he would want.
“What’s stopping you from getting to know him?” Dr. Maxwell asked, with all the logic of a therapist and none of the panic that existed in Stevie’s head.
“I don’t want to hurt him,” Stevie answered immediately, “I don’t want to let him in and then disappear or do something stupid and hurt him. It wouldn’t be fair. And I told him that. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I would really love one. I just…” Stevie hesitated, her hands stilling on the pillow and her shoulders slumping as she said, “My dream life hasn’t made me happy. It hasn’t stopped me from thinking about just… ending it. I don’t want to drag him into my life only to give in to those thoughts.”
“Sometimes you need to find little things in life to keep yourself going,” Dr. Maxwell explained, sitting forward in her chair as she waited for Stevie to meet her eyes. “The little things that make you happy - your dog, your writing, this guy, friendships, going for walks in the snow - are the things you should nurture. Use them as tools to seek other avenues for happiness. Pushing these things away because you’re afraid you’ll hurt them if you give in to those thoughts will only make it easier. Give yourself something to hold on to, something to keep moving toward.”
Although Stevie knew that, it was still painful to hear it spoken. It was hard to hear someone else rationalize what she’d been too afraid to tell herself. However, Dr. Maxwell continued, “Make some friends, plant some roots. Get to know this guy. Tell him that you’re trying your best for now and ask for patience. Let him know where you stand and hope that he’ll stand with you. That is the best you can do right now, for everyone. Try your best to be there for your mother but know that you can only do so much. Try to live a life Angela would have been proud of. Your best doesn't have to be your all. It just needs to be what you're capable of at the moment. You can't be all things for all people but you can be your best."
Stevie still felt guilty. She still felt guilty for not knowing how to help her parents. She felt guilty for living when Angela couldn’t. She felt guilty for wanting Calum, even though she couldn’t be enough for him immediately. But Dr. Maxwell was right. She couldn’t be all things for all people but she could be her best she hoped that her best was enough.
**************
“I’m going to take a walk through Central Park. Want to join me?”
Calum stared at the message from Stevie, surprise clear on his face as he read over it. They had shared a few messages in the week that had passed since their trip to the Empire State Building but they were mostly small talk; asking about the other’s day, a few good morning greetings, a question about a record shop as Calum was looking for a gift for Mali. And he had done most - all, actually - of the initiating so he was surprised that she was the one reaching out to him. However, he certainly wasn’t going to complain about the role reversal as he looked up from his cellphone and glanced at Mali and Tāne, asleep beside him on the couch.
Like most days, he didn’t have anything planned. He’d gone about his daily routine of work, picking Tāne up from school, finishing his last few customers as Mali and Tāne worked on homework, and having dinner with them both before they settled in to watch a movie before bed. He normally read to Tāne, usually a classic tale that demanded he adopt multiple different voices, but it had been a long day. The end of the week was nearing, as was his first court hearing, so he wanted to pack as many appointments into his schedule as possible to give himself a little time off to breathe.
He would’ve been content to go to bed when Tāne did - usually around seven on a school night and it was already past six - but he found himself itching for the opportunity to see Stevie again. He stared at the message, contemplating whether he should ask her for a rain check or wake Mali up to see if she would mind putting Tāne to bed. However, before he could make a decision, Mali spoke.
“Just go,” she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep as she attempted to move away from Tāne without waking him. She gently untangled herself from the sleeping child and rubbed her eyes, cursing when a smudge of black stained the back of her hand. “Fucking eyeliner,” she huffed, rolling her eyes before she returned her attention to Calum. “It’s almost time for bed and I can handle that. I need to write, anyway,” she mumbled as she ran a hand through her bleached hair, a stifled yawn leaving her lips as she did so.
“How did you even…?” Calum trailed off, staring at his sister in confusion and slight awe for a long moment, before he shook his head and unlocked his phone to respond to Stevie’s text. “When did you become a mind reader?”
“When you elbowed me in the head trying to read the text,” Mali informed him with a wry grin as she rubbed the red spot on her temple where Calum had hit her. “I wanted to see what was worth injuring your sister. Tell Stevie I said hi.”
Calum laughed as he stood from the couch and dropped the remote on the fabric beside Mali. “I’m not doing that,” he assured her, his voice full of laughter as he nudged her shoulder before leaning down to press a soft kiss to Tāne’s forehead. “Thank you. I’ll be back by ten.”
“Mm, your curfew’s not until eleven, though,” she teased as she watched him cross the living room to reach for his coat and shoes near the door. “Don’t do anything I would do.”
Calum shook his head fondly and tossed Mali a wave over his shoulder before he stepped out his home and began the walk to Central Park. As he weaved through the crowds, he felt a mixture of emotions swirl in the pit of his stomach. He felt nervous, giddy and excited to see Stevie again after how well their trip to the Empire State Building went. He felt like he did in high school, excited to see the girl he had a crush on and hope that she would give him a bit of attention, but he also felt a little foolish.
His pace slowed as he thought about what he was doing. For the first time in nearly five years, he was letting someone new into his life. He was letting someone else bring him outside of his comfort zone and pull him away from his home. He was letting someone into his heart and he felt a little silly for being so willing to drop what he’d been doing - even if it was just watching his son sleep on the couch - for someone he wasn’t sure would extend the same effort.
He liked Stevie. He wanted something more than just a few meetings, here and there. He wanted dates and hand holding, good morning texts and good night phone calls. He wanted to know that she would be there, that he wouldn’t wake up and find that she had been nothing more than a beautiful dream, but he knew that she wasn’t there. Not yet, maybe not ever.
He respected that she wasn’t interested in a relationship at the moment and though he remained hopeful she would be someday, he didn’t want to get his hopes up. He wanted to remain realistic, to keep it firmly in his head that she had been honest with him, but rushing to meet her made him feel like he’d gotten stuck with his head in the clouds.
That didn’t seem to matter, though, the moment he spotted her lingering near the entrance to the park. She was dressed down, in a pair of simple, light wash jeans and an oversized sweatshirt, and for the first time, she wore her hair straight. There was no signature eyeliner, a stark black contrast to the hazel of her eyes, and Calum was surprised to see how soft she looked. She looked exhausted, defeated by the day, and Calum longed to wrap her in a hug.
The thing that surprised him the most, however, was the smile that graced her face when she spotted him. It was small, an upturn of the corners of her lips, but it was genuine and brought a light to her face and a warmth to Calum’s heart as he matched it. She looked happy to see him and though that only sent him higher into the clouds, he was glad that she was just as excited as he was.
“Sorry for dragging you out,” she began, her smile turning sheepish as she met Calum’s eyes, “I forget sometimes that you’re a parent.”
“It’s okay,” he assured her, his smile remaining as he stepped a little closer to move out of the way of tourists entering the park. “Mali, my sister, is staying for the week and she’s handling bedtime. Tāne likes it when she sings to him.”
“It runs in the family, huh?” she asked as they followed the few tourists and stepped into the park themselves. When Calum shot her a look, confused as to what she meant, Stevie breathed a quiet laugh and clarified, “The singing. When I told Tāne where my name came from, you sang Landslide for him. You have a nice voice.”
Calum felt his cheeks heat in embarrassment as he rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. “It’s nothing compared to my sister’s,” he assured her, “she’s playing a show on Sunday. If you’re not busy, I’d love for you to come with me.”
Calum expected her to hesitate, to think about her answer for longer than a split second, but he was surprised yet again when she nodded. “That sounds really nice,” she agreed, her smile returning to the soft, sincere upturn of her lips. “I’d like that.”
Calum didn’t want to offend Stevie, however, there was something different about her and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. She seemed a little more at ease than she had in their last few conversations, a little more relaxed, and he couldn’t help but ask, “Are you okay? You seem… different.”
Stevie laughed at Calum’s question, an amused exhale of breath as they wandered down a lit path, and nodded. “I’m okay.” She paused for a moment, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip in a way that Calum was quickly associating with her thinking, before she confided, “I had my first appointment with a therapist today. It was something I needed to do and it felt good to talk.”
Again, Calum was surprised by her honesty. He’d gotten used to cagey answers and hesitation but he liked how straightforward she was being with him. And although he wanted her to talk to him, to feel comfortable opening up and letting him in, he knew that he wasn’t a professional and with the experience she’d been through, that was what she needed. He was happy for her, glad that she’d been able to talk with someone, and he told her as much as his hand brushed hers.
“I know it’s hard to open up,” he said, turning his head to face her as they passed a small fountain, “but I’m glad you got the chance to. I hope it helps.”
“I think it will,” she nodded, a hopeful lilt to her voice as she met his eyes once more. “How was your day?”
“Busy,” he replied, his shoe brushing an errant rock in the path as they watched a jogger pass them by. “I have the rest of the week off so I’m trying to get to as many clients as I can before then,” he explained as Stevie nodded in understanding.
“Any reason why?” She asked before quickly adding, “You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to.”
It was Calum’s turn to hesitate as he mulled over her question. She had been honest with him, her candor refreshing and her willingness to answer straight a nice change of pace, and he wanted to return the favor. He wanted to be able to have that dialogue with her, to be open and honest about what they were going through so there were no surprises if the day ever came for them to be together, but it felt odd letting someone he was just getting to know in on the most distressing situation in his life.
However, having an outside opinion, the thoughts of someone who didn’t know El and their history, might help him understand the situation a little more fully.
“My ex, Tāne’s mom, El, is trying to get custody of him. We have our first hearing on Friday,” he finally admitted. Stevie surprised him for the third time that night by grabbing the hand that had been bumping into hers and he released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, Calum.” Stevie’s surprise was evident in her voice as she squeezed Calum’s hand. “Do you… If you want to talk about it, I’m more than willing to listen.”
Calum offered her a weak smile as they crossed a small bridge. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” he pointed out, his voice quiet and seeming to float on the breeze as they stopped in the middle to glance out at the water. “We were supposed to be a team, partners in parenting even after the breakup. But she didn’t want to be a parent. She wanted to enjoy her twenties. I did, too, but I wanted to be a parent more, I guess.” Stevie remained silent as Calum collected his thoughts, her hand warm in his despite the chill of the air surrounding them.
“Sometimes I wonder if she ever really wanted him, you know? I wonder if she just had him because I was so excited about him and wanted to be a dad so bad. It was so easy for her to just pack up and walk away. Last year, she even had papers drawn up to waive her parental rights but didn’t sign them. I just… I didn’t see this coming and I don’t really know what to do about it,” he admitted.
It felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest as he admitted his feelings to her. It was part of his hesitation in seeking her out - he still felt guilty for spending so much time thinking about her when he had much bigger things to worry about - but he knew that he needed to tell someone who wasn’t invested in the situation. At least not wholly.
“I don’t have kids,” Stevie began, her voice quiet as she stared out at the water and pointedly away from Calum, “and I don’t know what you’re going through as a parent but as a child of divorce, I know what happens when the judge gets it wrong at a custody hearing. I don’t know your ex and I only know a little of you but one thing I have no doubt about is that you love your son. You do your best to care for him and I know that he’s in good hands with you. I just hope that a judge can see that and makes the right decision, the one that’s best for Tāne.” Stevie hesitated for a moment, her eyebrows furrowed, before she turned her head to Calum and asked, “I’m not trying to advocate for her, I don’t know her, but do you think your ex is genuine in wanting Tāne now or is it to hurt you?”
“I don’t know,” Calum admitted, shrugging his shoulders in defeat as he met Stevie’s eyes once more. “I don’t think she ever wanted to be a parent. I think we were in love and she just gave me what I wanted. Or maybe she just didn’t love me enough to want to be a parent with me,” he guessed, a dull ache flaring in his chest as he thought about what his son could have had. “If this is to hurt me, though, it’s fucked up. It’s the only thing she could do to hurt me but that doesn’t make it any better.”
Stevie remained silent as she stood by Calum��s side. Instead of trying to offer comfort with clumsy words and a lack of knowledge about the situation, she squeezed his hand a little tighter and stepped a little closer to his side. Their arms touched, body heat seeping through the fabric of their sweatshirts, and they would have been content to stand their for hours, silent and contemplative, had a voice not cut through the night and sent a shot of icy dread straight to Calum’s heart.
“I thought that was you, Cal.”
Calum stiffened and bit back the annoyed, incredulous laugh he wanted to huff as he released Stevie’s hand and turned to face the couple that stood just steps away from them on the bridge. They looked like they’d been out for the evening, both dressed for dinner with her in heels and him in nice slacks and a button down, and Calum wanted to roll his eyes.
The universe was testing him, sending him a reminder of where his head should be, and he didn’t much appreciate it.
Elise Wells, El as she had always preferred to be called, stood before him looking exactly as he remembered. In her heels, she stood nearly as tall as him. Her jet black hair was still long, hitting around the bottom of her ribcage, and perfectly curled. Her skin, the same golden shade Tāne had been born with - the only thing of hers he got, really - was still free of ink and Calum was reminded of the different paths they’d taken in their lives.
“Hi,” she said, a smile on her face that looked almost too genuine for him to trust, “it’s good to see you.”
“You, too, El,” he returned with a sigh, no smile on his lips as he met her eyes for the first time in nearly three years.
El looked him over, her piercing brown eyes taking in the faded blue buzzcut with a flicker of disgust - she had never been a fan of his desire to change his hair or cover himself in tattoos -, before she turned her attention to the girl at his side. As Calum spared Stevie a glance, he realized that the two of them couldn’t be more different. Whereas El was all sharp lines and polished perfection, Stevie was soft smiles and beautiful chaos.
Calum realized in that moment that that was what drew him to Stevie. She was the polar opposite of what he’d always gone for, a complete 180 from the girl he always dreamed about. She wasn’t the metaphorical other half he’d been missing, she was a compliment to the things that he already had. She made him want to amplify the good in himself, the softness he saw and the swirling chaos that lived in his head, and he suddenly understood why he felt so desperate to keep her around.
She was everything he’d always wanted but had been too stubborn to admit he needed.
“Since Calum is being rude, I’m Elise,” El introduced, cutting her eyes to Calum before offering Stevie her hand with a smile that he recognized as one of her polite, yet angry, expressions. “You are?”
“Stevie,” she returned, shaking El’s hand quickly before dropping them back to her side and covering them with the arms of her sweatshirt once more. “Nice to meet you.”
“Mm,” El hummed dismissively, giving Stevie a once over before she returned her full attention to Calum. “Where’s Tāne tonight?”
“In bed by now,” he informed her with a sigh, wanting nothing more than the conversation to be over and for El and her boyfriend - who, Calum was amused to see, looked just as uncomfortable as he felt - to leave. “My sister’s watching him.”
El, who had never gotten along with Mali, made a face at the mention of his sister and Calum clenched his jaw in an effort to keep himself from saying something he’d regret. He’d done enough of that the last time he and El spoke and he didn’t want to give her any fuel for her case. “That’s nice,” she finally hummed, her tone deadpan and her eyes narrowed as she glanced between Stevie and Cal once more, “it’s nice that someone other than one of those guys is watching him while you go out.”
Calum already felt somewhat guilty for leaving on such short notice, without really planning to have Mali babysit or telling Tāne goodbye, and El’s comment hit him like a punch to the stomach. Not only did she insult his friends - who she also never really got along with - she was insinuating that he pawned his son off on others while he went out and had fun.
He didn’t want to feel bad, it was rare that he did anything other than go to work and return home to spend time with Tāne, but the one night he did might be enough for her to use against him in their custody battle.
“Well, I’d love to stick around and chat but we’re running late for reservations. I’ll see you on Friday,” El assured him, a sickly sweet smile on her lips as she gave him a wave before purposely bumping into Stevie on her way off the bridge.
Stevie and Calum stood in silence for a long moment; Stevie surprised at what had just happened and Calum allowing his thoughts to run wild. He knew that he shouldn’t feel guilty for spending one night away from his son, it wasn’t a common occurrence and he didn’t intend to make it one, but seeing El reminded him of where his head should be.
Stevie wasn’t interested in a relationship, not yet, and he didn’t have the ability to focus on one until the custody battle with El was over. However, he couldn’t bring himself to give up on either as he turned to glance at Stevie and asked, “Can we try this again some time? I feel like I should head home.”
“Of course,” Stevie nodded, a small smile on her lips as she folded her arms over her chest and began walking the way they’d come. “Just let me know when you want to.” Calum could see that she had more that she wanted to say as he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and he had to bite back a surprised laugh when she admitted, “I don’t mean to be rude or stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but I’m not a fan of her.”
“Yeah,” Calum nodded, a rueful smile on his lips as thought about the others in his life who weren’t fond of her, either. “Not many people are. I’m sorry about that, by the way. She’s… yeah.”
“You don’t have to apologize for someone else’s actions. I get it. I just hope that everyone goes well for you on Friday. If you need anything, you have my number,” she reminded him, the genuine smile from before returning to her lips as they approached the entrance much quicker than he hoped they would.
“Thank you,” he breathed, his appreciation genuine as they stood, face to face, and watched the other with a sort of curiosity that Calum was closely associating with his growing feelings for her. “I… this has been tough and I feel like we’re both in weird spots in life but it’s nice to feel something good right now.”
“My therapist told me today that you have to find the little things that make you happy, that keep you moving. If a walk in the park is one of those things, so be it. If getting to know someone new is it, that’s good, too. Let the little things bring light right now,” she advised, her eyes meeting his and shining with sincerity.
Calum nodded, appreciative for the advice, and returned her smile with one of his own. “Tonight was nice,” he told her as he stepped just a little closer, his hand reaching out to squeeze hers one last time. “It brought light.”
“Yeah, it did for me, too,” she assured him, her eyes flashing with an emotion Calum didn’t quite understand before she squeezed his hand and let go. “I’ll see you later, Calum.”
“See you later,” Calum agreed, watching her walk away yet again.
He wished that things weren’t complicated, that he could just tell her how he felt and that she would feel the same. He wished there wasn’t a custody battle looming over his head and a dark cloud over hers. He wished he’d met her a long time ago, when they could’ve just dove in without worrying about having to sink or swim.
However, he resigned himself to acknowledging that he hadn’t as he began his walk back home. He’d met her at a time in his life - and hers - that made things complicated. But he hoped that when all was said and done, when the dust settled and everything was fine, the complications would have made them stronger.
But, as he walked and thought about what he planned to do going forward, he reminded himself that things were always darkest just before the dawn and the most beautiful roses bloomed after the heaviest storms.
____________________________________________________________
Author’s Note: I’m sorry it’s so heavy. I always intended for this chapter to be a little heavy but this week has been rough so it got a little heavier than I planned.
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zukka hp au part 6
Thank you so much, everyone! I hope you continue to enjoy this au. I had a few minutes last night, so I wrote up a couple scenes for all of you.
I haven’t written anything in so long though, so I’m sorry about the quality. Also, if someone is OOC, I’m sorry, I really tried. I need to rewatch atla at this rate. But feedback is always appreciated! I’m tagging anyone currently on the tag list, but if you missed it or just saw it, please let me know on the tag list post and I’ll add you in for future posts. (If you’d like me to reblog and tag you on this one, that’s also an option, but please comment or DM me so I know exactly who would like that.)
Also, if you couldn’t tell, I have no idea what I’m doing. So if I left someone off the tag list by accident or put it in a weird spot, I’m sorry! It’s possibly because I had to google how to make one yesterday XD But if I missed you, please tell me! I swear it wasn’t intentional. If you have any other suggestions or questions, let me know!
If you’d like to catch up:
part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13
If you would like to join the tag list
And with that, hope you enjoy :)
October 31 1981
There’s a suspicious bump.
The minister really does not like suspicious bumps.
But working in the Ministry of Magic for as long as he has, eventually he stopped jumping at every single one. He calls that progress. His wife says he’s finally lost whatever survival instincts he used to possess.
The minister doesn’t care overly much though. Today’s a happy day! The Avatar defeated Lord Sozin! He should be drafting congratulatory letters for the poor kid. Speaking of the child, he needs to find out where they are. And also who they are. There’s an astounding lack of information on this baby.
There’s a suspicious fwoosh and two masked wizards stand before him.
The minister is a calm and collected man. So, of course, he screams.
“None of that now,” says the older man with absolutely wild grey hair. “Stop screaming, Minister. We’re not here to hurt you.”
The minister wasn’t born yesterday, and his mother has reliably informed him that he isn’t a complete imbecile. He continues screaming.
The other intruder nudges the other and sighs. “You’re scaring him.”
“No, really?” Lunatic One groans. “I didn’t notice over all the screaming. Silencio. Honestly, he supposedly went toe to toe with Sozin in the Wizengamot for years. You’d think he’d have more guts than this.”
The nicer interloper (but still Lunatic Two) sighs again. “One who knows when to retreat will live longer than those who stay to fight past their abilities.”
“No, no, nope, we are not having your little philosophical riddles today. They just make my head hurt. You’re only here to make sure I don’t get bored and decide I want to wear his spine as a necklace.”
The minister’s eyes must pop out of his skull a bit.
“Just get to the point, my friend, so we can let this nice man enjoy his evening.”
“Nice man? He’s a politician. They’re all crackpots,” necklace man says.
The minister privately wonders why his friend bothers to sigh again when he clearly isn’t surprised.
“You’re a politician, too.”
“Yes,” the crazy one replies sagely. “I’m a crackpot. It means I wear the stench of insanity with pride and can identify it elsewhere.”
“Anyway,” the same man continues, but this time clearly directed towards the minister. “Simple request. Don’t look for the Avatar. No, no, no, I see you shaking your head at me. Just don’t look for them, or I’ll be back for my new bony accessories.”
His calmer friend looks the minister in the eyes. “We will keep the Avatar safe. But if Sozin’s followers find out where the child is, they’ll be dead before their next birthday. Do you understand, Minister?”
The minister likes to think he’s good at reading the room, so he nods a bit frantically. With them taking care of the child, that’s one less thing for him to worry about. And he gets to keep his spine. He’s rather partial to it now that he thinks about it. Anyway, it’s a win for everyone.
“Excellent.”
And then the two men are gone.
Hurray for delegating responsibilities.
Today was enitrely too exciting for his delicate sensibilites. The minister pulls out the biggest bottle of Firewhiskey he owns and Floos home. Maybe he’ll get that takeout his wife likes today. She always deserves nice things, but especially today in exchange for all the blubbering he’s about to do.
oOo
“Did you really have to scare him so thoroughly, Headmaster?” Iroh asks once they’re safely back in the Headmaster’s office.
Headmaster Bumi throws his head back and laughs. “Fear is healthy! It keeps the blood pumping. The masks just added to the overall effect. And it’s not like I’d actually follow through. He just needs some character building. But at least that’s done. The kid’s with a friend of mine tonight. You’ll take the child to the orphanage tomorrow then?”
Iroh nods. “We’ll check in on him sometimes?”
“Of course,” Bumi says, looking scandalized. “What do you take me for? If he isn’t being treated well, prophecy or no prophecy, I’ll raise him myself. We don’t tolerate child abuse in this house.”
Iroh is extremely alarmed by the idea of Bumi raising any child, let alone the Avatar. But he is relieved they’re on the same page. At least now he doesn’t have to plan a kidnapping. Finally, after a long, but successful, night, Iroh leans back and enjoys his freshly brewed tea in peace.
Bumi’s chewing breaks the comfortable silence.
“Want a biscuit? They’re lemon poppy seed.”
Moderate peace then, but he thanks the Headmaster and enjoys his biscuit.
oOo
September 1, 1990
Sokka kind of assumes that he’ll be extremely bored during his first year of Hogwarts. He isn’t friends with anyone in his year yet, and Katara is a year younger.
Out of the limited number of other wizarding families he’s met, he hasn’t gotten along with many of the other kids. They were all either too dull, too old, or too annoying.
So Sokka has to admit he didn’t see this coming.
The boy in front of him is cool.
He’s already changed into pressed black Hogwarts robes with a red tie, so Sokka assumes the boy is maybe a second year Gryffindor. His black hair is neatly pulled out of his face, and there’s just a hint of the hair piece holding it up. Sokka’s busy staring at the rings on the boy’s fingers, a clear sign of an elemental magic user. But he’s too far away to figure out which element.
Sokka doesn’t really care though. People are people. It can’t hurt to ask if he can sit there.
So he screws up his courage and opens the door to the train compartment.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Sokka blinks. This boy isn’t very friendly, but he presses on.
“Everywhere else is full,” he says, lying through his teeth. “Mind if I join you?”
Five full compartments can be rounded up to all of them. Sokka’s a man of science. He would know.
The boy doesn’t answer for a beat, looking him up and down. Then he sneers. “Wolf’s tail, all that blue? You must be another Water Tribe peasant.”
Sokka can feel the blood rushing in his ears. Of all the compartments he had to walk into, it had to be a Fire Nation one.
“And you must be half troll with manners like that,” he bites out, before slamming the compartment door shut and walking away.
That was terrible. But it’s too late to go back and properly insult the other boy, so Sokka angrily walks away.
oOo
That’s all for now!
A few more things:
I’m trying to make my life easier with dates for this au, so Halloween 1981 is when Sozin tried to kill the Avatar. Aang’s birthday is just going to be so late in the year that he got bumped to the year below. So we’re going based on Sokka’s years in school, first year starting in 1990. If something I’m doing doesn’t make sense or I’m completely contraindicating something, please ask! There’s a really good chance I’ve missed something.
Also, any and all commentary or jokes made by characters about being insane and so on will not extend to actually poking fun at a character’s mental health. If they’ve got an issue that’s bothering them, that’s that. In this case, I think random people appearing in your office would scare you. And Bumi just sounds like someone who assumes everyone is as sane as he is.
Lastly, say hello to one of the few straight characters we have. The minister was just a fun OC I made up, so I don’t have any corresponding atla character in mind for him. I was going to give him a name, but it just felt better having him be this random competent leader with a badass wife.
If you’d like to catch up:
part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13
If you would like to join the tag list
@delievia @assyouwishh @aphrcditeee @theoneandonlyredrobin @dongdingheresthething @bring-back-wally @zuko-just-wants-his-honor @youcant-escapefate @iwillgodownwiththisship27 @animegeneral17 @uglybutuwu @cocoa-hooves @errvaaa
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DangerousFellows: If they had kids
This is after the whole apocalypse.
Lawrence
Lawrence would have two kids, twins. The girl would probably be named Anastasia, Lawrence chose, and take after you a lot other than she gets obsessed with stuff easily, like Lawrence. Definitely a daddy's girl though.
And the boy would be names Micheal, chosen by you, he takes after Lawrence in looks but in personality he's definitely his own person. Nothing like either of you. He's mommy's little helper with everything and him and his father fight more often than not.
Ethan
He would have five. (I know that's a lot but I grew up being the oldest of five and I feel like he would too.) Four boys and one girl, the girl being the youngest.
The oldest is Eric, name chosen by Ethan. Eric, of course, is very athletic. If he's not at a sports practice or game he's working out or working on stamina. And if he's not being active he's eating, unlike his father instead of sleeping to get energy, which he still does, Eric eats. He'll cary a backpack full of food no matter where he goes and he definitely orders the most amount of food out of all of you.
Exactly 11 months younger is Grayson. A name chosen by the one and only (Y/n) after a character, you only call him Grayson if he's in trouble if not it's Gray. Gray is you little bean, unlike his brother or father he prefers to spend his time learning new fashion trends and makeup styles. The one thing he treasures the most is his beautiful long dark blue hair. But he does have a habit of asking himself questions and then 2 seconds later answering it. "What's today?? The 13th" or "What's for dinner again?? Potato casserole."
A year and a half later Julian was born. A name chosen by his father. Although Julian loves sports to death and everything about it he'd much rather keep to himself. Other than his best friend and family he thinks people are a waste of space. He's been kinda in a long term 'emo' stage type thing. So he'll only play sports if it's with his brothers.
Adam was born 2 years after that. Name picked out by Ethan. He's a little ball of energy if he's not playing sports he's talking everyone's ears off. He has to be doing something productive or energy consuming or else he will purposely break something to get your attention. Not a bad kid just needs jobs or attention. He only gets like 5 hours a sleep and apparently that's all he needs to be full of three days worth of energy.
5 years later, you unexpectedly got pregnant again only this time with a girl. Her name is Joyce name picked out by you, after months of arguing. Not only is she daddy's little princess she's also all the boys pride and joy. NO ONE FUCKS WITH HER. She's the sweetest and most innocent thing in the world, thanks to all the guys. You feel really bad for her and do what you can but for the most part she has NO privacy. She can't get on the Internet unless someone's watching her. Ethan has the track thing on her phone. The only reason she has a phone is because at 13 he got scared that something would happen and there's an open door policy just for her. Of course Ethan swaddles her in every way but you mostly think it's in necessary. Although she is as much as a weeb as you do that how you guys bond. ANIME BINGE WATCHING!! But there isnt much you can do to convince Ethan until she’s about 15-16 and you got pissed at his helicoptering.
Harry
One beautiful little girl named Primrose. Although you call her Rosey. The tallest Rosey gets is 5'1 and is very petite. She hates getting dirty and all animals but she never throws a fit she'd rather suffer in silence. She loves plants and cartoons and she always does what she told and never argues back. The only thing the could make her cry is if you and Harry got hurt, you two arguing or someone yelling at her. She's the light in both of yours and Harry's life.
Zion
This red ball of flames ended up with three of the monsters. Trust me, raising three munchkins that came from Zion is nothing easy!
You had the Twins, first their is Charlie(the older twin), picked out by Zion. Charlie is a exact replica of Zion personality and is exactly what Zion would look like as a girl. Personality wise she more, let's say, rebellious. By the time she was 13 she was already kicked out of two different schools and suspended nine different times. Each time more creative than the last. She's super smart and even smart when it comes to street smarts. Between her and her brother she's the one that protects him. Charlie knows everyone and most know, don't get on her bad side. Her motto is "Charlie’s the name, and tortures my game!"
Then we have Marcel (younger twin and name again picked out by Zion), looks exactly like Zion but his personality is totally different from his. Marcel is quiet, shy, prefers to stay in the house all day. If he's not reading, playing video games or watching tv he's most likely asleep. Super smart but goes out of his way to avoid people. Super sweet though and although he goes out of his way to avoid people he isn’t scared to stand up for himself and what he believes in. Will even gonna as far as to go to protest.
6 years later Josephine (name picked out by you) as born. Although she likes to go out and fo stuff. Whether I'd be skateboarding, movie theaters or maybe even hiking.she prefers to only stay with family and her best friend Micheal (imaginary friend). So although she wants to do everything the world has to offer she'd much rather do it with as little to no people.
Eugene
One little ball of light name Christine. Christine of course is daddy's little princess and he shall protect with all his life. From day one he was scared of being a bad father and spoilt her to death. No matter how old she gets what's going on and even if she's being a perfect little angle he's worried he's always gonna be a bad father and not give her the support she needs. Even though she's always gotten everything things she's ever asked for. And even though that seems really spoilt she's never thrown a fit and has never gotten in trouble at anyone's else's house. She's your little artist, way better than Eugene at almost everything by the age of 10. Although she was very creative she isn't very book smart. But hey neither is Eugene. Cutest thing ever though
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