#part because he doesn’t have those feelings and a lot of pain would’ve been solved if he hadn’t had to act like he did have them’’

[average-transdalorian]

Y’know I think all of Char’s divorces could be explained by him being aroallo and trying his best to be alloallo because he doesn’t realize he’s aroallo. But also I’m not sure the world is ready for rep like that

[milestonekestrel]

I want to hear more about your interpretation/ version of Addair because he is very interesting to me and for some reason I have grown attached to him........ I hate him so much and I want him to suffer because I like him a lot... ya know

OOH OK!!

Addair. I love this guy. I have a lot of thoughts about him lets see...

(cw for abuse)

Well, I´ve already talked about my family headcanons for the guy. But basically, his father and mother never really loved each other. They were kind of a ¨make each other worse¨ kind of couple. His father was an abusive prick and his mother a bystander. She was barely there, for Addair.. for life. They divorced after things got.. really bad (his mother was hospitalized), and his father got custody. His mother remained a bystander.

Addair grew up mostly underneath his father. He learned to follow orders or get hurt. He learned this from his father. He learned everything from his father. He didn’t get out of the situation until 17, and his father never really left him.

On the rig, you really don´t get a good introduction to the guy. There was an Addair post I remember, about how many people don´t spend long enough looking into him. They see the National Front poster (which is.. I mean yeah tbf it´s not great) and decide ¨well fuck this guy.¨ I don´t, by any means, think he´s a great guy. But, I do think he´s a human. You see, he has an interesting way of looking at his childhood trauma. in that he.. doesn´t. He just thinks that everything´s going to be fine now. Willful ignorance turns into blindness, and this is why he sits alone. There are parts of his father that never leave him. Seventeen years of conforming and following orders, seventeen years of conditioning don´t exactly just disappear. But Addair thinks it will. He thinks that making a vow to not be like his father is enough. and. boom. trauma solved.

and on some level he knows, he knows he has built a dam out of paper. This is why he acts the way he does. he can´t handle criticism of himself because its true. Because he wants to be right because going back to those seventeen years is painful. going back to those seventeen years is too painful. He has kids now. he has a family. he wants to be good for them. he wants to be a better man for them. and on some level, he is. He is a loving father. But it is almost like a disguise. it is the dam, and the dam is made of paper, and things are always getting through. So he lashes out, he can´t take jokes, and he is, frankly, a terribly mean person. On the rig, he has no family to be better for. He loses connection with that, a little bit. and he misses them and that makes it worse.

He´s been on the rig so long, isolated and angry. and it´s only getting worse, and he’s miserable and looking for someone to blame.

Enter Caz. Caz is an inexperienced man who manages to win the crew over quickly. Roy likes him, and most of the crew like Roy, so they like Caz too. Caz has never worked on a rig before, and Addair knows this. And yet, and yet he is so popular. With the crew. Even Rennick admits he respects him. So Addair takes it all out on him! He hates that man, so much, and not even for a good reason. He hates Caz so much that when he is in danger of drowning, actual, mortal danger, Addair can’t let it go. He can’t let that pettiness go. And he’s damn lucky Brodie and Douglas were there, because maybe he could tell himself he would be okay if Caz had died. Hell, maybe he can tell himself Caz should’ve died. But Caz didn’t. Addair doesn’t truly know what it would’ve been like if Caz had. If he came up dead, or worse, not at all. It's easy to say things, but the situation is not real to him, and thus he can´t accurately judge his reactions. It's easy to do things, like walk away, when you've no frame of reference for consequences or aftermath. Maybe he's a prick, and maybe he hates Caz, and maybe he wouldn't lose sleep over it or anything. But he's not going to feel right about it. 

But Caz lives. And Addair gets to keep being angry. And the anger is what makes him so violent. He's not just angry. As a human, he's confused, miserable, and he misses his family. (he misses them very much, and yet he works through the holidays. And yet he barely calls them. And in this way he is like his mother) But he's angry, too. And he´s fucking furious when he´s infected. And that's why he's so violent. 

And that’s why he throws himself in front of the flare at the stack. Because he’s so angry. Because he wants to hurt Caz. 

And that’s why he falls off the stack into the ocean. And that’s why no one saves him. 

[curioussubjects]

I feel bad discussing spn now that’s over but I’ve been wondering. Do you think dean actually meant it when he said “why does that something always seem to be you” (15.03)? Usually people blurt out what’s on their mind all of a sudden even if they didn’t mean to say it out loud. But it comes out because the person either thinks about it or actually believes it. Do you think at one point Dean truly blamed Cas for Mary? I mean, putting 15.09 aside of course.

Why do you feel bad discussing SPN now the show’s over, anon?? Don’t feel bad!

The short answer to your question, in my view, is that Dean was lashing out because of how his unaddressed trauma over Cas dying (cf. 7x01, purgatory, 12x23) gets entangled with him processing his grief over Mary and Jack. Everything is further exacerbated by Chuck’s villain reveal, and the events that lead to Rowena’s “death.”  The longer answer to this question starts with acknowledging that feelings and trauma are complicated things that aren't always rational. And that's the crux of the matter for Dean in that moment he lashes out at Cas: he's not behaving rationally. We know Dean is angry, and historically doesn't handle anger well at all, but we also know, even without 15x09, that what Dean is really feeling is fear. In that moment, Dean is angry, and he's scared. If you watch the scene closely, too, you'll notice that Dean is still present enough to regret saying "why does that something always seem to be you" to Cas. He tenses up, he looks down and only looks up again in stubbornness defiance when Cas says he can't even look at him. Then Cas leaves, which has always been an issue for Dean. However warranted Cas's decision to leave was, it still hits Dean as rejection, too. All this is to say that the break up scene is extremely fraught, and Dean is the type of person who needs time to process events and emotions, and time to process is something he hasn't had since Mary disappeared.

So you ask: ok, cool, but what does all of that have to do with Cas dying, Liv? And here's where I say they have everything to do with Cas dying. I've talked about this before in tags and in other posts that I can't think of right now, but there are common occurrences in the events that have led to the more traumatic Cas deaths. If we think of Cas dying in 07x01, the context for that is as follows: Cas needs to solve a problem, he wants to ask Dean for help, but the desire to not burden him with it is greater, so Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to disaster and also him dying. Or, well, apparently dying. But as far as Dean was concerned, Cas was dead, and he did struggle with it a lot during season 7. Now, fast-forward to s12 and the context of how Cas ends up dead then: Cas needs to solve a problem, part of him does want to cooperate with Sam and Dean to solve it, but he ultimately decides his desire to bring Dean a win, and to shield him and Sam from actions they'd suffer from are greater. Predictably, Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to complications, and him being killed by Lucifer. Cas's death in 12x23 is significantly more traumatic to Dean than the one in 07x01 as season 13 starts with a grief arc that is devoted to Dean's suffering over Cas -- to the point that suffering overshadows even his grief over Mary. Granted, these are somewhat reductive summaries of the events of seasons 7 and 12, but the fact remains that those two deaths were remarkably similar as well as traumatic. 

If you look at trauma theory in regards to literary analysis, you'll notice that a key element is repetition. The story of trauma is a story of echoes, which is partly why triggers are what they are for people who have PTSD. In particular, a situation doesn't need to be an exact replica in order to evoke a traumatic memory. A situation need only be similar enough to the traumatic event to cause a trauma response. Therefore, if we keep in mind that the events leading to 15x03 aren’t exact mirrors of 07x01 or 12x23, but too reminiscent for comfort, then Dean’s behavior toward Cas starts making a bit more sense -- not excused, but understandable. A quick summary of these similarities goes as follows: Cas notices there’s is something off with Jack because of his soul; he decides to investigate on his own to avoid worrying the Winchesters and also because of his own fear of losing his family. He only comes forward with what is happening after something potentially disastrous has happened (Mary’s death). Later, Cas deviates from the agreed plan to close the wound leading to hell, which leads to another disastrous consequence (Rowena’s death). What does this look like? Cas makes a decision to act on his own, and doesn’t tell Dean (or Sam) about it, something goes wrong, someone dies. Notably, here, moreover, is that Cas obviously doesn’t die, but he has paralleled Mary before (when he was dead in s13) and there’s an argument to be made that he would eventually parallel Rowena (with heaven), but that’s from a metanarrative perspective rather than Dean’s, and I digress.

Oh, It’s worth noting, too, that the way in which the arc starting with 14x18 and culminating in 15x03 presents a similar, but not quite, chain of events as those of previous seasons signals the intentionality of the trauma narrative. 

But anyway, as we were: the resonance between the traumatic and triggering events, with the latter being traumatic in their own way, make Dean response in a way that is unfair for the situation at hand, but betray a deeper truth about Dean’s state of mind. Backtracking a little from 15x03, the first instance of Dean lashing out at Cas happens in 14x18 with the (heartbreaking) line: “Then you're dead to me.” At face value, those words are a condemnation of Cas and indicate a complete breakdown of the relationship, hinging on Jack having hurt/killed Mary. There is, however, another angle there, pain simmering beneath the surface, which makes more sense in its direction to Cas: the last time Jack, Mary, and Cas were involved in a tableaux like this, Cas died and Mary was gone. In what is an inversion of events, Mary is dead and Cas is...there, but as an echo of Jack’s birth, to say Cas is dead is a statement of fact: he did die, then. And as he was a parallel to Mary in the aftermath of Jack’s birth (and the rehashing of the John, Dean, Sam drama through Dean, Sam, and Jack), so is he a parallel to Mary here, except in circumstance. Both Mary and Cas had been after Jack. Mary happened to find him first, but Cas could’ve easily been the one to find him. Easily been the one who died. See the issue? This is obviously not to say that Dean’s grief and rage weren’t about Mary herself, but that the situations are entangled and murky. 

Further entanglement and murkiness happen when Cas is forced to change the plan to seal the hell wound in 15x03. We all know, including Dean, that there was nothing Cas could’ve done instead of what he did. But besides the change of plans, there’s an undercurrent of anxiety of the wound closing before Cas makes it out. He does, of course, but that’s the what if, always. And to illustrate the possibility, Rowena sacrifices herself to close the wound. It’s not coincidence that the similarities here are tenuous considering the stress burden from everything that has happened since 14x18 has continued to grow with no respite.

The stage is set then for the confrontation that leads to Cas walking out of the bunker. Dean is clearly on edge, and Cas is in a particularly vulnerable and hopeless headspace:

CASTIEL: Sorry about Rowena. DEAN: You're sorry? Why didn't you just stick to the damn plan? CASTIEL: Belphegor was lying. DEAN: Belphegor's a demon. CASTIEL: He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, and every... DEAN: Yeah, and we would've figured it out... after. With Rowena. CASTIEL: The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong. DEAN: Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?

The reason I went of this long journey to come back to this is so as to make clear that what Dean is talking about here isn’t about Rowena at all, and it’s not about Mary either. We know Dean didn’t really blame Cas for Mary, and that he didn’t blame him for Rowena, either. But do those bolded parts sound familiar?

CASTIEL: Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice.

DEAN: No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one.

CASTIEL: You don't understand. It's complicated.

DEAN: No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!

CASTIEL: It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?

DEAN: I was there. Where were you?

DEAN: You should've come to us for help, Cas.

How about:

DEAN: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay. CASTIEL: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

[...]

DEAN : We will find a better way. CASTIEL: You mean, we? DEAN : Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go, Team Free Will. Let's get it done. CASTIEL: I'd like that. DEAN: Great.

“Then, you’re dead to me.” “...why does that something always seem to be you”

Because it’s Cas, and Cas being dead and gone. The tragedy of the divorce arc is that Cas ends up gone, too. However, this time, it’s Dean’s fault for not stopping him. Here, Dean’s fear of Cas dying leads to the anger that ultimately pushes him away. So, yeah, Dean meant what he said, but not in the way Cas took it. Not in the way it appeared as. 

The other tragedy of Supernatural ending as it did is that Dean never got to heal from that trauma, he never got to confront Cas for it, either. Make no mistake, the empty deal is another spiral of Dean’s unaddressed trauma over Cas dying. The beats are the same, and the result is Cas, gone, and Dean, shattered. Sadly, we never got our final resolution, the climatic reunion that would mirror Dean’s prayer in purgatory and Cas’s confession in the dungeon. It’s a story left unfinished. 

[damn-stark]

La vie en rose pt.2

Pietro Maximoff x reader

Requested by anon “I think this is a good idea. So Pietro didn’t die in Age Of Ultron but dies in endgame so afterwards reader has same powers as wanda btw makes her own reality sorta like wandavision and they live in the town together and it’s basically just wandavision plot and jimmy woo and darcy are trying to get in meanwhile. I really hope this isn’t to long for you! Maybe you could do 2 parts if you’d like that? I just had this idea for a while thanks! 🤍”

Warning- Angst, sadness and fluff

———-

“We can get married.”

“Huh?”

Pietro turns his head to meet your bewildered expression and he smirks and leans closer to talk in a softer voice so others around wouldn’t hear. “Think about it, we’ve known each other ever since we got our powers and we’ve been together since we joined the Avengers, it’s been long a time and we’ve gone through a lot. We should just get married.”

You narrow your gaze on him and try to hold back from getting lost in those deep blue eyes of his as you try to comprehend what he was proposing, as you tried to figure out if this was some joke, because the way he just said it out of the blue seemed like it.

“And,” Pietro continues nonchalantly as he looks at the horizon ahead, “we can get married in Las Vegas, just like this couple did in one of Wandas sitcoms. It seems like a lot of fun.”

“Hmm,” you nod slowly and tear your gaze away from him, feeling your mind spin with many different thoughts; one of the main ones being that this man couldn’t be serious. “And you want to do this while we’re on the run?”

“Yes,” Pietro nods as he pops a grape into his mouth, “I mean do you have a better idea? I don’t see ourselves being free people anytime soon.”

Yeah, right. You look down at your hands and delicately begin to twist the silver bracelet around your wrist, feeling a wave of sadness wash over you.

Was this really going to be your life? Running away and hiding? Not being able to have a stable home, or a taste of a normal life anymore? All because you didn’t want people controlling what you can’t, or can do with your own abilities?

It was stupid and unfair.

“Do you really think we’ll always be on the run?”

Pietro looks at you again and puts the fruit cup that he had in his hand down, turning more serious than he was expressing himself before. “Not always, there will come a time when we’ll be free again, where we won’t have to hide. The world—or should I say universe is a messed up place, the people will need our help again and we’ll be there to save them, that’s when we’ll be free.” Pietro wraps his arm around your shoulders and pulls you closer to him. “So don’t worry your pretty head about that.”

You lift your gaze to meet his and you can’t contain the soft smile that spreads on your lips, he kisses the side of your head and his smile turns into a mischievous smirk again. “So about my plan, what do you say?”

Once again you narrow your gaze on him and drop your smile, pushing him aside and twisting your body to land on the pier and begin to walk back to the others, hearing Pietro follow quickly behind you and continue insisting on his “plan”. Which you just turned down, “no.”

“No, what? You won’t get married to me? Why? Do you not love me?”

You shove your hands in your (his) hoodie pocket and watch the perplexity in his eyes as he tried to solve what you had said.

It was an amusing sight, seeing him so lost, it made you want to let him figure it out on his own, but you couldn’t stand it. Instead you did a little jog to get in front of him and continue to walk backwards as you explain yourself in a relatively joking manner, perfectly copying his accent and his expression. “We can get married. Just like those people on tv. I won’t give my girlfriend that I love with all my heart a good proposal, I’ll just throw it at her all nonchalantly and not have a hint of romance behind it.”

“What are you talking about? It was romantic.” He plays along, mocking your own accent. “You're wearing my sweater and we’re on this pier that overlooks the ocean. It’s plenty romantic.”

You grin and go back to using your normal voice before shrugging and commenting, “no ring?”

Pietro narrows his gaze on you and his smirk widens as he digs his hand in his pants pocket to pull out a small simple, yet beautiful ring. “Oh this? I didn’t think you’d want it, so I didn’t offer it to you.”

“Aha, I see what you’re doing.”

Pietro shoots you a flashy smile and expresses a cocky expression, “you thought I forgot didn’t you, my little witch? Like I could ever. Plus Wanda and Natasha would’ve killed me if I did.”

You turn around and fall back to his side, grinning like a love struck idiot and hooking your arm around his while he continued. “So what do you say? Yes?”

——

“What do you two want?” You ask in a threatening voice as you block their path and stay glued at the entrance of your home.

“We just want to talk,” Agent Woo explained, “to you about what you’re doing here—”

“I’m not doing anything,” you defend yourself. “I’m not causing anyone any trouble, I’m here living my life in peace.”

“That’s what you want to believe, but what you’re doing here is wrong, y/n. You’re holding people hostage—”

“No,” you cut him off sharply as you tighten your grip around the doorknob and feel faint sparks of your magic emerging from your hands. “These people here are fine, they’re in peace, they’re living the lives they want. I am not causing them any type of pain. So if you both may please leave my property that will be great.” You narrow your gaze on them and feel the doorknob under your hand bend as your grip around it tightens when you try to push the door forward to close it. Finding that before you could shut it, Doctor Darcy stopped it and shoved it back to continue with this talk and look at you with a more serious look.

“You know after knowing what you went through, after finding out your history with Pietro, I understand why you’re doing this, keeping up with this facade. But it’s not right, all the people you’re keeping here are in pain—”

“I’m warning you,” you spat out, “stop before I actually try to hurt someone.”

“What’s going on here?”

You look over your shoulder at the sound of a new voice and see Wanda with an upset look already painted on her face. Pietro not understanding what was happening comes up behind you and begins to investigate for his sister. “What do you two want?”

“We just need to talk to your wife and sister,” Agent Woo answers, lifting the badge on his chest and showing it to Pietro. “I’m FBI. We just have a couple things we need to go over.”

Pietros hand on your shoulder tightens and the curiosity that he contained was gone, he doesn’t ask for an explanation from you, nor his sister and just instantly gets on your defense. “Well she has no right to talk to you if she doesn’t want to, neither of them have done anything wrong.”

“You may not see it, but they are. This, you it’s all—”

“That’s enough,” Wanda cuts him off while she joins Pietro and you by the front door, “I’ll tell you two this just once. Leave before I force you to leave.”

Agent Woo scoffs, “I came here to do my job, and I won’t leave until I see it through.”

“Fine,” you deadpan while you let the doorknob go and open the door wider. “I’ve had enough. I’m giving you five minutes to talk.”

Doctor Darcy blinks and raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Wow, okay, unexpected.”

They try to come in, but you step up and block their path. “No. Not here. Outside.”

From the corner of your eye you see Wanda take a step after you, but before she could take another one, you look back and offer her an assuring look. “It’s okay, I’ve got this, wait for me here.”

“Are you sure?” She probes with concern.

You nod and smile, “I’m sure.” You look to Pietro and share a short lingering gaze that contains unspoken words. You knew he was itching to follow, but he trusted you more than anything and stayed behind with his sister while you walked with the two unexpected and unwelcome visitors.

“How did you get here? Inside?” You ask them once you’re at a good distance from your home.

“It’s a long story so we won’t bother.” Doctor Darcy replies, “all we will explain is that we know you’re not a bad person, y/n, we know you don’t want to hurt these people, moving on and accepting what happened is normal—”

“I’m not hurting them,” you repeat in a grumble, “they’re at peace, Wanda assured that.”

“You may think that but they feel your pain, your grief,” Agent Woo explains making you grow stiff and stop dead in your tracks to look at them with a narrowed and puzzled gaze. Something sparks in your brain, but you can’t and won’t comprehend what he really meant, you look down at your ring around your finger and sigh, clenching your fist and turning cold.

“Have either of you ever had a dream?” You interject as you look up at them with that same cold glare.

“I mean yes,” Doctor Darcy chuckles, “everyone does. But I don’t understand why you’re saying this because it doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re talking about.”

You tilt your head slightly and feel your lips tug into a mischievous smile, “I can help achieve those dreams, you could live here and live the life you’ve always wanted, you’ll be happy, at peace. Just like these people, Wanda and I.”

“No. It’s not right.” Agent Woo protested as he took one cautious step towards you. “Understand before someone else forces you to understand.”

You sigh and clench your fists tighter. “Is that a threat?”

“No. But if you don’t stop this it might as well will be. You don’t understand what we’re going through so they don’t see you as the villain, so they don’t come attack you, or throw you in jail. And you wouldn’t want to share a cell with your father now would you?”

You scoff, “I’m not the villain of this story, I was never the villain of this story! But people don’t understand that! For as long as I had my powers I’ve fought against people like Hayward, people who try to keep me under lock and key, who try to cast me out and kill me!” You exclaim, feeling your power re-emerge from your hand and engulf your whole hand, causing a yellow hue to bask your face and your eyes. “You don’t understand, none of you have ever understood! All I’m trying to do is save the people I love and keep them safe, just like my father was before people like you took him away because he was a “threat”.”

“Your father killed—”

“No!” You growl sharply, “my father didn’t kill anyone, his actions were a by-product of what Stark weapons did, our family died because of his inventions. My father was never the villain, just like I’m not.” You raise both of your hands and elegantly wave your hand to change back to your suit, lifting yourself off the ground and looking down at them this time seeing the fear in their eyes and ignoring it. “I gave you a chance, now I’m giving you a warning, leave and don’t come again because if any of you do, I’ll become the villain you want me to be.”

Using your powers, you lift them both off the ground with ease and swiftly throw them out of town with no remorse, watching them fly out until you couldn’t see the hue of your powers anymore to gently land back on the ground, changing back to the same dress Pietro gave you with a flick of your wrist and quietly returning home. Stopping however at the entrance of your front door to look down at your silver bracelet and stroking the design engraved on it gently with the pad of your thumb. You let out a shaky sigh and feel your eyesight blur with the tears that were quick to emerge.

You swallow back the thick lump that formed in your throat though and kept yourself from giving in to such actions. Instead you draw in a deep breath and slowly exhale it out to open the door and greet Pietro with an assuring smile. When he saw you, he rushed to you and instantly as you predicted began to ask about the mysterious visitors. “What wrong, what did they want?”

“Just questions about my father,” you reassure him, discreetly using your powers to freeze him and join Wanda in the dining room with a gloomier expression set on your face.

“Let me guess, they want to get to you to make me stop this? To threaten you?” Wanda suggests in a bitter tone, whilst she takes a seat on the couch and rests her head in her hands. “This is not the first time they’ve tried to stop us, tried to kill us; first that woman and then they shot that missile.”

Slowly you join her on the couch and express a deep sigh. “We don’t want anything from them, we’re not threatening them, I don’t understand why they can’t leave us alone.”

“Because they’re afraid,” Wanda points out what you already knew but didn’t want to admit. “But this is our home, y/n, we can’t let them scare us, or let them take advantage of us. We have to protect our home.”

You meet her gaze and smile, “you’re right, they can’t take this from us. Not this.”

Wanda stands up and you don’t falter behind, standing up a couple seconds later and feeling more confident than before, feeling inspired and strong. Even more so with her words. “We’re going to fight for our home and our families.”

A smirk tugs on your lips and you offer her a nod, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay. Goodnight, y/n,” Wanda smiles at you before she heads to the door, looking back at you and smiling wider, “you look beautiful by the way.”

“Thank you.”

With one last smile, Wanda finally heads back to her own home and you’re left in the center of your living room, alone, watching Pietro's frozen figure, for some reason not instantly letting him go. Instead just taking in the silence and recalling what those two from before had told you.

Were they really in pain? All these people? Wanda said they weren’t and you trusted her more than you trusted them.

Yet why were you so bothered and confused.

What were you even doing?

You glance back at your wrist and then turn back to Pietro, releasing another sigh before going to him and releasing him from the frozen state he was in, also erasing the memory of what had just happened, only letting him remember what was happening before you got interrupted.

“Right,” Pietro speaks up happily, “so where were we?”

“Our date,” you remind him with a beaming grin, extending your hand out to him so he would gladly take it and pull you back to the table.

“So I was thinking,” Pietro begins mischievously, “we should have a kid of our own.”

“Huh?”

“Just think about it, we could give Billy and Tommy a cousin and a play date.”

You lick your lips and set down your utensils that you had just picked up. “You want a child? I thought you wanted to live life in the fast lane? Live life like if we were always in a vacation?”

Pietro shrugs, “we can do that with a kid. A little girl? We’re not on the run anymore, y/n, we have a nice home, it’s what you wanted no? I think we’re ready.”

A grin spreads on your lips and you feel an excitement wash over you and erase the stress you had gone under. You pick up your utensils again and take a bite out of your food that until this moment had been left untouched, leaving him in a small, tense waiting period until you swallowed and gave him your answer. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Good,” Pietro nodded, taking a bite out of his food and then continuing quite impatiently, “but don’t think about it too long.”

You chuckle and roll your eyes. “Fine. I’ll give you my answer by tomorrow.”

“Morning?” He finished for you.

“Mhmm, maybe.”

Pietro groans, “fine, fine.” He takes another bite of his food and just as you saw he was going to add something else, another knock sounds on your door. “Who could that be at this time?”

You shrug and this time feel yourself turn more nervous that you had gotten before. You hesitate to answer, but when you see Pietro move to open the door you get up faster. “I’ll open it.”

Before he could argue against it, you head to the door and swing it open, freezing completely at who was standing out the door this time.

He was familiar yet unfamiliar. He had the same white hair but that’s about it, his face was different and his body was built different. You should’ve been confused at his sudden appearance, but it just automatically made sense.

“Pietro?”

Said man out the door smiles and waves, “hello, little witch, you’re not going to let me in?”

[inomios]

Beauty behind the madness || levi ackerman x reader || PART I

Summary: “You knew that under all of his layers of grief and rage there was something worth loving; he knew that under your easy smiles and sweet words there was something dark lurking. He wanted all of you and you wanted all of him.”

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Words: 7,4K

TG: Brief allusion to soldiers’ suicides; little description of a panic attack on the seventh part (I can’t feel my face); brief talk about death and addiction; and even though I wrote it all using gender neutral terms, at some point I used the term girlfriend because partner sounded too cold for the situation.

-        If you are triggered by some content that I haven’t mentioned, please tell me so I can add it to the list and prevent it from happening again.

Author’s note: Mushing my favorite album with my comfort character is being so much fun. I’m enjoying so much this process you wouldn’t believe it. The second part will be up next Tuesday, and it’ll be the ending. Please, share, comment and like if you enjoyed, it would mean the world to see your reactions and impressions. As always, English is not my mother language, so sorry for the mistakes.

                                                          . . .

1. REAL LIFE

He had carved on his soul, heart and mind the words that Kenny had once told him, back when he was a scared and weak kid under his wing in the Underground, back when Kenny had caught him crying in the dead of night over his mother.

‘Boy, you won’t survive a day with that attitude. Your mother was a whore and now she’s a dead whore, get over it. You don’t have time to mop over her, crying is for people who have nothing more important to worry about.’

Kenny, for better or for worse, had taught him many lessons that became the key to his survival, advices he would never forget, and this was one of them: ‘Grieving is a waste of time.’

Every second he cried over his mother was time he could have spent granting his sorrowful existence. He couldn’t let his grief control him, because missing his mother wouldn’t make him last another day, she couldn’t protect him now that she was gone. So, for better or for worse, he let his sadness and rage aside and started focusing on what was important: survival.

Grieve is a tricky feeling, it makes you think you can control it, while it just keeps bottling up until it explodes, and you better be ready for when that happens, because you may not be able to fix the mess it’s going to leave behind.

Levi thought he had masqueraded his feelings pretty well, he tried to shrug everything off, as if nothing mattered to him, but it did, and Kenny knew it and he loved to tease him about it, he loved to press his buttons, Levi had learned that pretty soon in the relationship, but he was trying to handle his feelings, he wanted to prove Kenny he was worthy of his time, that he was strong, that  he wasn’t weak, not anymore. So, whenever Kenny tried to get a reaction out of him, he kept his mouth shut, but he couldn’t water down the fire in his grey eyes and Kenny could see it, he always could.

‘You are as worthless as your mother, maybe I should leave you in a brothel too, then you would be useful for something.’

A loud howling laughter.

Levi’s brow twitched.

‘Did your mom have time to teach you how to read or was she too busy fucking half the Underground?’

He thought he had said something hilarious. He bent over his back.

Levi had a little knife clutched in his hand.  He was starting to see red.

‘You’re as worthless as your mother.’

He was pushing him to his limits.

Levi had already passed them.

He liked to think that there was a dark abyss inside of him, a bottomless place where he could hide all his emotions and thoughts, they were useless, so he ignored them, he kept them away, far from the surface. Levi thought that he could detach from his pain, but it was a part of him, and if you stare into the abyss for too long, the abyss stares back at you. The Levi who grieved was still there, looking at him, the Levi who felt too much but said nothing wanted to get out, so he did, he escaped from the abyss and took control.

He run towards Kenny, eyes gleaming with unshed tears, knife in his hand, aiming for his heart, but Kenny was faster, quicker on his feet, he moved just in time. However, Levi still managed to scratch his shoulder, he teared his shirt and he could see the blood slipping, tainting the white fabric.

Kenny got mad. Levi had never seen him that furious. He grabbed his scrawny body and gave him the beating of his life. When he ended, Levi couldn’t even move, he was lying on the floor on a puddle of his own blood.

‘Listen kid, I don’t give a fuck about your shitty problems. You think you’re special? Guess what, you are a piece of shit, just like everyone else. Everyone here has issues, solve them or do whatever you want to do with them, but don’t you ever dare to pull a stunt like that again, because I’ll will leave you here to die, boy.’

That was the second lesson Kenny had told him: ‘Control is vital.’

He thought that by ignoring his feelings he was controlling them, but he was wrong, he realized that when those bottled emotions caused him to be bed ridden a few days.

Instead, he decided to let his feelings out in really calculated moments, he started to canalize all his rage into more productive stuff, like cleaning. He liked to think that by cleaning he had control over something, there was something cathartic to him in scrubbing floors, doing the laundry, and mopping floors. It was the Underground, it was filthy no matter how much effort he put into it, but it gave him something he could focus on, something he could use to let his frustrations out.

So, he cleaned, for his mother who deserved a better live.

For the innocent child that he once was, who had been stripped from everything he loved.

For Kenny, who he despised and was cruel and ruthless.

For all the things he had to do to survive.

He cleaned and cleaned, and he never had an outburst again. He was in control.

Looking back, he is sure that part of Kenny’s fury that day was that a kid made him bleed. You see, Kenny liked to think of himself as some kind of god, a ruler, someone who could control everybody, someone who was holding your fate between his calloused hands. And when he hurt Kenny, both of them realized two things, especially Levi, who discovered this: ‘Gods bleed to.’

Levi learnt his third lesson that day. No one could control him, the same way he couldn’t control anyone. You are the one who makes the decisions, just be sure to choose one you won’t regret. Kenny had no power over him, he wasn’t a god and if he was, Levi wouldn’t bow down to him.

Kenny learnt that Levi, that child, had a fire within he couldn’t tame, Levi wasn’t going to be a submissive, brainless follower. He had potential, he had willpower, he didn’t really need him, but the boy didn’t know it yet. So, when the moment came, he left. He had grown to care about his nephew, at least a little, but Levi was a survivor and Kenny knew he would fight with teeth and claws until the very end. Therefore, Kenny left him with the only person who could protect him: Levi himself.

When Kenny left him at his own, alone again in the Underground, he learnt his fourth lesson: ‘Love is a risk he wasn’t going to take again.’

  2. LOSERS

Stupid is next to ‘I love you.’ He was pretty fucking sure of that.

He made a bow to himself: he wasn’t going to love anyone ever again, people are bound to leave, and whenever they left, they took away a part of him, and he was already too broken for that. However, life happens, and it turns everything upside down, it doesn’t ask for consent, so his plan of never loving again was ruined sooner than he would’ve liked.

Furlan came first. He wasn’t looking for a companion, at all. A companion meant more people to care about, a distraction, and he didn’t need any of that. However, Furlan managed to convince him that he could be useful to him. Whenever he looks back, he thinks that both of them knew that Levi didn’t need anyone, he could survive on his own, he was tougher than anyone else in the Underground, but he was alone, so alone, and a part of him yearned so much for someone that he let Furlan come with him.  

Their relationship was weird at first, not sure where the boundaries of the other laid, what they could do or don’t. Furlan didn’t want to overstep and piss off Levi and Levi didn’t want to overshare with him, he didn’t want to show him his weaknesses, but at the same time he wanted to spend time with him.

He remembers that there were moments when Levi desired to say something, talk about pointless stuff, but he never did, after Kenny he was deprived of human contact that he even thought that he had lost his voice. However, as time passed them by, they fell into some type of routine, boundaries became clearer. Furlan started to get Levi, how he would never start a conversation no matter how bad he wanted; how his mind was always plotting something; how he always had an ace upon his sleeve… Furlan grew fond on him, he knew that there was a lot Levi wasn’t telling him, but from time to time he got to see a glimpse of all the man he was under his façade and layers of secrets, and he wanted to learn about him, he wanted to be his friend, he wanted to have someone to help and he wanted someone to take care of him, he wanted to stay.

On the other hand, Levi liked how Furlan seemed to know when he could talk and joke around and when he had to stay silent, it was like he understood him, Furlan was prudent and chill, thinking before acting, and he knew when to fight and when to give up. Levi started to care about him, a lot, against his better judgement, he just hoped he wouldn’t regret his choice.

Then, Isabel appeared on scene. Levi was happy enough with Furlan, he didn’t need someone else to worry about, that was more trouble, more chances to get hurt. However, he soon found he had a soft spot for the girl. She was so energetic, so bubbly, eyes always gleaming with hope, she was a ray of light in the darkest place. She was messy, reckless and wild, she balanced them out. When she asked to join them, Levi wanted to let out one of his characteristic ‘Tch’ and turn his back on her, there was no room for compassion in the Underground, but he couldn’t, he was weaker than he thought. He couldn’t leave her at her own knowing she could get herself killed, he didn’t want to be like Kenny, he wasn’t going to be like him.

The three of them became a gang, well, not just a gang, a family too. They looked after each other, they looked after Levi, just like his mother did. They were the best criminals in the Underground, and sometimes Levi felt like a god with the world at his feet. He shouldn’t have forgotten his third lesson: ‘Gods bleed too.’ He thought they were invincible, they weren’t, they were no gods, life wouldn’t bend at their will.

When Isabel and Furlan died, he didn’t even have proper bodies to bury, he just did two little makeshift graves and carved their name on the gray stone. He was the only person who would remember them, so he visited them at least once a week (he still does), mainly during his sleepless nights, when no one would ever question or notice his absence. Talking with them was the only reason why he hadn’t given up long time ago, he was their leader, he told them to always keep going, to never back down.

So, he kept going, for his mother, for Isabel and for Furlan. For the only people who ever loved him.

Maybe he didn’t really keep going, maybe he just let life pass by, what mattered was that he was alive and fighting for a purpose, he owed them that, their deaths wouldn’t be in vain.

Why did he always have to lose everything?

Why there was nothing good in store for him?

He was bound to lose to lose everything.

Stupid is next to I love you.

He was so fucking foolish.

3. TELL YOUR FRIENDS

The mission had been a carnage, a lot of fallen soldiers. He could still hear their screams and see the fear in their eyes, more images to haunt him while he was sleeping, as if they weren’t already enough. He couldn’t save anyone, he never could, he was human after all, even if some people thought about him like a god.

He had had a problem with his ODM gear during the mission, the gas cylinders were failing and wasting too much gas, so he ran out of it pretty quickly, which costed him a seven meters fall, breaking his right leg, his left arm, a few ribs and a concussion in the process. He could have died and a part of him wished he had, then, the pain would have ended. Luckily, Hange arrived just in time to help him, he still thinks that maybe they knew what was going on in his head, that he had thought about giving up right there, and that’s why as soon as they arrived back home, they sent him to the infirmary, not wanting to leave him alone. Hange still says it was because he couldn’t take proper care of his injuries by himself. They both knew he had had it way worse than that.

The infirmary was clean, and that meant a lot according to his standards, but your desk wasn’t, not at all and it was driving him crazy, if he could, he would get up and clean it himself. However, you seemed unphased by it, every day you would drop more documents on your table (but no document ever left, they just kept piling up); he had seen you drop coffee on some paper and not giving a fuck a single fuck about it; you had seven books on your table, none of them related with medicine, you just had them there because you wanted; and if you asked him what irked him the most, he would say the brush, you had a brush in your desk and it was full of hair. He couldn’t get his eyes of your desk, and if you ever noticed, you never did anything about it; or maybe you did notice and since you are a little shit, you just wanted to see how far you could go before he went feral. We will never know.

If you had been any other person, like one of the members of his squad, he would have said something way earlier, but you weren’t his subordinate, you were a medic and as far as he knew, he didn’t have the right to scold you at your own workplace.

You were competent, you just talked when necessary and you would always ask him if he wanted something, no matter how many times he had said ‘no’ and whenever Hange came to visit, you would always talk with them and ask them about their experiments and research. Hence, Hange thought you were the sweetest person ever, they had even told him that he better not be giving you any trouble.

You both had an easy routine. You would come in first hour in the morning, trying to be silent with no success at all, you were so noisy, luckily for him, he never sleeps more than four hours. You would sit on your desk and write a letter, every day, who the fuck had so many people to talk to or how many things worth telling did happen in your life? Then, you would go out to get him breakfast and you brought more documents with yourself, his breakfast always came with a cup of tea, a shitty cup of tea, but at least it wasn’t coffee or juice, he didn’t know if you were the one behind the tea, but if you were, he was glad you didn’t work on the kitchen. After breakfast, Hange would pay him a visit and talk with him, his squad would often visit him after training and Erwin once or twice a week, whenever his work let him a little free. At midday you would water the plants on the window, you had once called them ‘Asphodels’ and after watering them you disappeared, at the beginning he thought you just went to eat, later on, he would find why you did that. The rest of the day was the same, you wrote and read documents and he would either look annoyed at your desk or he would vert his gaze at the window to distract himself.

This routine changed the second week, because you asked him two questions that made him be more comfortable around you.

‘Why do you look at my desk as if it were making you sick?’

‘Tch, because is making me sick, it’s dirty as fuck.’

Okay, not the best words, but you asked, and he answered. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel better after telling you. You blushed a little and scratched your neck bashfully.

‘Sorry, I can be a little messy sometimes.’

‘I can see.’

That day you spent the evening emptying your desk, any other person would have asked you not to bother, but Levi couldn’t care, after all, his last thread of sanity depended on that desk. When you finished cleaning, you asked the second question.

‘You hate my tea, but you drink it anyways, why?’

He felt his ears getting a little red, and he just shrugged and looked away.

‘You are taking care of me, didn’t wanna be a bitch about it.’

You smiled, a smile brighter than the morning star, and for a fraction of second he forgot how the breath, but he obviously didn’t say a thing about it.

‘I promise you that tomorrow you’ll have the best tea ever.’

‘Tch, if you say so.’

He appreciated your gesture, kindness wasn’t something he was used to, it felt weird and strange to have someone to do good things just for the sake of doing them, it made him wary, he would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought that maybe you wanted to get something from him and that’s why you acted so nicely around him.

The next day, after writing your daily letter, at your then clean desk, you brought him breakfast with a steaming cup of tea. He drank the beverage under your expecting gaze and to his surprise it was nice, not the best tea ever made, but definitely not the worst.

‘It tastes better.’

‘Thanks, this time I followed the recipe.’ You admitted proudly.

‘How the fuck were you even making tea before?’

‘Instinct?’

He looked at you astonished, how come you were a doctor, but you couldn’t follow a three-step recipe? At that moment he thought his health was in the hands of dumbest medic in the area, however, he didn’t really care, well, at least not as much as he would have expected. You had something, an aura around your persona, that was soothing and endearing, rather than infuriating.

At the crack of dusk on that same day, he was the one who asked a question.

‘Who are you always writing?’

For a moment he swears he saw your happy demeanor quivering, as if he had opened a cage that should have remained closed, but you quickly fixed, the funny glint coming back at your eyes as fast as it had left. It was in that moment when he knew that you weren’t as shallow as he may have deemed you to be.

‘I’m just telling my friends about this annoying patient I have. Do you know he made me clean my office desk?’

Your voice was laced with amusement, you were trying to divert his attention to another topic, and he knew, but he was no one to press you about it.

‘Well, as soon as I’m free, I’m telling my friends about how my medic is a fucking shitshow.’ Too blunt, but you brushed it off.

‘They sound like a nightmare.’

‘They are.’

You smiled, yet again as blinding as the sun.

He didn’t smile, he didn’t even grimace, his face was as stoic as always, but for a split of second, a smile nearly slipped in.

To his surprise, he actually talked about you to his friends. When he had the medical lease, the first thing he did was visit Isabel and Furlan’s impromptu graves and talk about you. It wasn’t a lot, he just mentioned you a few times. It didn’t mean a thing, and at the same time, it meant everything.

 4. OFTEN

It didn’t mean a thing.

Not a single thing.

It was unimportant.

He was like that with everyone.

Except he wasn’t and he knew it.

What the hell was wrong with him?

He would always find himself at your door, not because he was sick or harmed, he just felt the need to see you. He didn’t even talk with you that much, he wasn’t good at opening up or even small talk. He was foul-mouthed, snarky and his words could cut deeper than a knife. You were soft, kind, funny and there weren’t uncomfortable silences with you, your presence was comforting. Levi didn’t get why he felt that way about you, he barely knew you, but you had something that drew him in, maybe it was the normalcy you brought him. You were a doctor, you healed people, you tended their injuries; you hadn’t seen the titans, you hadn’t seen comrades die at their merciless hands, you didn’t know what was outside the walls and he liked that. You were an escape. It was as if his life was only centered around Titans and his existence had no other point but to kill or think about to kill Titans: Hange were always babbling about Titans; his paperwork was always a painful reminder of fallen mates; Erwin was always tracing missions and plans; and the whole point of his squad was training to defeat those beasts. He never had a break, but visiting you felt like it.

He knocked at your door and it opened, you were at your desk, which was an unorganized mess then again, humming some song he didn’t know while you were reading some medical reports. And the asphodels in the window looked beautiful as always.

‘Hi, Levi.’ You looked up and gave him a smile.

Your smiles.

Oh man, he took them in like a dehydrated man would savor the first droplets of rain.

He just nodded as a salute and walked towards the window to see the asphodels.

‘Why asphodels?’ he asked, you loved those flowers, and they weren’t necessary the most beautiful.

To him you were more like yellow lilies, he had read somewhere that yellow lilies meant joy and happiness. They always brought a simile to one’s face because they are the true depiction of the sun, just like you were.

‘I don’t know, they are special’ you said with a small voice, the same haunted look in your eyes, the same that appeared when he asked about your letters.

‘I guess they are.’

A comfortable silence fell in the room. He was getting used to these havens of peace.

That night at dinner, he was sitting next to Erwin, Hange in front of him, looking at him quizzically.

‘What’s going between you and y/n? You’re always at their place.’ They ask.

‘Tch, nothing, I just visit them often.’

Lies

‘So, there is no ulterior motive, like, I don’t know, our Short king having a crush?’ Levi sometimes forgot how punchable Hange’s face was.

‘No.’

More lies.

Something was going on, they both knew, but he was too scared to think about what it was.

 5. THE HILLS

Another fight. More deaths. What was the point of it? He felt like he was fighting for a pointless cause, the more deaths, the less they knew. He would have to send more letters to the families, telling them that their sons and daughters fought bravely until their last breath and sacrificed their lives for the sake of humanity. However, broken families would come to him and ask him if it was worth it, if the death of their children, cousins, brothers and parents brought them answers, if their deaths meant that humanity was closer to taste the freedom they longed for. He had always said that no death was in vain, but he was starting to question that.

He had barely seen you after the mission, he retreated to his quarters, drowning himself in reports and regrets, if he had been better, he could have saved more lives, but he wasn’t enough, he was no hero, he was a human. He had been fighting his whole life and he just wanted it to stop, he wanted peace and tranquility, not more deaths at his shoulders, no more ghosts to haunt him at the end of the day.

He never slept, at least not for more than a few hours. However, after a mission he didn’t sleep at all, the images of his comrades’ deaths still fresh on his mind, their screams still piercing his ears, his sanity vanished a little bit more every time he tried to close his eyes, so he just laid awake looking at the roof, thinking about all the things he could have done to save them, repeating their names as if he was asking for their forgiveness.

Sometimes it all got too much, and he needed to walk to clear his mind, there were nights when he walked for hours with no direction at all, but that night he did have a direction: your office. He didn’t really know why he was doing it, but he was too tired to turn back and ask himself why you. He thought that you would probably be asleep, but to his surprise there was a dim light coming from your office, so he knocked, just like all of those times before, and your soft voice told him to come in.

He had never seen you so disheveled and tired, dark bags under your eyes, traces of tears on your face and bloodshot eyes. He also noticed four new asphodels on your desk. He looked at them and then he looked at you. He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t, so you spoke.

‘My regrets follow you to the grave.’ He barely heard you.

‘What?’

‘That’s what asphodels mean, you asked me about them once, you remember?’

He nodded, that’s all he could do.

‘I couldn’t save them, I tried, but I wasn’t good enough.’ You broke down to tears.

He wasn’t good at processing his own emotions, let alone other people’s. What was he supposed to do? He knew that people hugged to show support, but as he would say, he was ‘emotionally constipated’, so he just stayed there, looking at you.

Do something.

Do something.

Do something.

But he remained stiff, it was like watching the scene happen in third person.

‘I’m sorry, I know this is making you uncomfortable, it’s just that it’s been a long day.’

‘It’s been a long day for me to.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘You told me that asphodels mean ‘my regrets follow you to the grave’, that’s why you have them? Because you feel guilty?’

‘I plant one for every soldier that dies on my watch.’ That was the first time you opened up with him.

‘I keep the badges of their uniforms.’ That was the first time he opened up with you.

Right then everything shifted.

‘It wasn’t your fault.’ He knew those feelings, the remorse and the guilt, he was so painfully familiar with them that they had become a part of his being.

‘It wasn’t your fault either, Levi.’

It wasn’t your fault either.

It wasn’t your fault either.

It wasn’t your fault either.

Your words echoed in his mind like a drum and for a moment he believed them.

You came closer and you wrapped your arms around him, he tried to respond, embracing you in strangely, you laughed at his antics and in that moment, he wanted to disappear. You smiled and you readjusted his arms around your waist. He brought you closer, slowly, not wanting to scare you away and break the moment. You laid your head in his chest, right above his heart, and he hoped you couldn’t hear his heart beating wildly. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, his breath tickling your skin and your smell intoxicating him. For a moment he felt like home, even though he didn’t understand what ‘being home’ meant, but it had to be very similar to that: comforting, reassuring, peaceful, safe.

That night, he spent what felt like hours holding you, until you had to part separate ways, the only witnesses were the asphodels and the hills at the distance.

  6. ACQUAINTED

What are we?

Levi couldn’t stop asking himself that question.

Friends didn’t have what you two had. Maybe he wasn’t the most amicable person, but he had had some friends in his life: he once had Isabel and Furlan when he was younger, and now he had Hange and Erwin, and maybe he could even consider his squad friends. And none of what he felt for them was like what he felt for you.

He tried to make sense of his thoughts by writing them, but words weren’t his forte and he just ended more and more confused.

You were nice.

You were beautiful.

You made him laugh, well, not laugh, but close enough.

You were kind.

He appreciated you, he cared for you and he wanted to protect you, but he also felt the same towards Erwin, Hange and his squad. Then, if it was the same, why it was completely different.

He kept visiting you, everything looked like it was the same, but everything had changed. It felt like the calm before the storm, as if something was about to happen, the tides were shifting, he could feel it. There were words unsaid lingering in the atmosphere and sooner or later, someone would have to utter them. But who? And if you spoke them, what would he say?

He also spent a lot of his time thinking about that too, if you happened to confess your feelings for him, if you had them, would he be able to respond them? Normal people would try, give it a shot and see what would happen, what the relationship had in store, let things flow; but he wasn’t normal, he was far from normal, he knew he wasn’t the easiest to love. He was rude, mean, a control freak, he wasn’t the one for big displays of affection, he was the last person someone would want as a partner. People yearned for epic love stories, something that could take your breath away and he wouldn’t be able to do that, he wouldn’t be able to give you the bare minimum.

Also, after all the people he had lost, he didn’t want your name to be added to that list. He preferred the uncertainty of your relationship than the possibility of losing you. If he left more people in, more people he could lose. He wasn’t stupid, he knew you were already in, but there were still boundaries between both of you.

He had also fantasized about laying himself bare in front of someone, share all of his trauma and memories, share the burden with someone, but who would love all of him? If he couldn’t even stand himself most of the days, how could he expect that someone would   do it?

‘If you were a flower, I think you would be a gladiolus.’ You would always blurt nonsense out of the blue, but for some reason, he found it endearing instead of annoying.

‘Tch, what’s even that supposed to mean?’

‘I don’t know, it’s just, gladius symbolize strength, generosity, faithfulness and I guess those are things I associate with you.’ Your cheeks were tainted with the softest tones of red and you weren’t looking at him, your gaze was fixed on your paperwork.

Those words had a way deeper meaning, he knew it and you knew it, it was as if you were testing the water by putting the tips of your feet in it. As per usual he didn’t know what to say, what was he supposed to say to that? Thanks? I think I may be falling for you?

‘Sorry, I made things weird, I should just-’ you couldn’t finish because he had started talking.

‘I think you would be a yarrow flower.’ Amazing, now he was the one talking nonsense.

Not so long ago he pictured you as yellow lilies, joy and happiness, but after getting to know you better, he realized that that description was too shallow for what you meant to him. He didn’t know a lot about flowers, he wasn’t really into botany, but he had heard about yarrow before, he had heard merchants inside Sina call them ‘plant doctor’, since they would be often placed near other plants to keep the pests away, he had also heard that it was considered invasive too, because how easily it spread. Therefore, the association came quickly to him, you were healing, a solace from the cruelty of his world; and you were invasive, because he couldn’t be away from you, you consumed him.

‘That means a lot.’ Your blush was now more pronounced now and he wondered what you had made out of his words.

He felt a wave of panic travel through his body, maybe that statement was too deep, maybe he screwed it all, so he decided to excuse himself and ran away from the situation he had created. He had told you he was going to his room, he lied, he was going to the library, he needed to see what his words had meant. He wasted all his evening looking for books about the meaning of flowers, he sure looked like a madman, he hadn’t even gone to the Mess Hall to have dinner, he needed to found answers, and he found them at two a.m.

“The secret language of flowers” said the title, he opened the book and he started looking for the yarrow’s meaning.

Healing and Good Health

Courage and War

Everlasting Love

When he read the last symbolism of the flower, his heart stopped for a whole minute, did he just declare his feelings, that he wasn’t ever sure of, to you? He wanted to disappear in the spot, just vanish into the air.

He went to his room, holding the book close to his chest. He spent the rest of the night reading the book, he wouldn’t mess up again, if he ever wanted to talk about flowers with you, he would be informed. When the sun rose, his head was buzzing with flower meanings, and he would be lying if he said that he hadn’t thought about you while reading some of them.

At breakfast he did go to the Mess Hall and took his usual place.

‘Where were you yesterday at dinner?’ asked Erwin.

‘With his girlfriend.’ Replied Hange with a big smile.

‘She’s not my girlfriend.’ He said with a grunt.

‘What are they then?’ Hange was using the tone, the one which meant “I know you’re hiding something, and I won’t stop pestering you until I discover it.”

‘We are just acquainted.’

‘Liar.’

 7. CAN’T FEEL MY FACE

He remembered how there were days when Kenny would drink himself to oblivion, Levi didn’t understand why he did it. He didn’t see the point of passing out in the floor, and when he asked, Kenny answered that ‘his vices kept him sane’. It still made no sense to him, how a man could be so cunning and sharp, while he wasted his nights and days with alcohol, women and many other things that Levi wasn’t interested on trying. He had seen Kenny drunk and it was far from having control. The first lesson Kenny had told him was that control is vital, then, how come he was powerless in his own life, letting alcohol take control of him.

‘You’re old enough to try it, boy. Take some if you want.’

The first time Kenny offered him alcohol, he had declined, he had said no, and Kenny had shrugged it off, as if saying: ‘more for me.’ He wouldn’t get it, it didn’t make sense, Kenny, who prided himself on his cold-blood and his steel nerves, would renounce to that control so easily, he didn’t want to be like that, never in a million years, he would never give up his self-control.

Until he did.

He had lost control. And he now understood Kenny.

He knew he should distance himself from you, he didn’t want more Furlan’s and Isabel’s, he was getting dangerously close to you and he didn’t want that. He should run away, disappear. You were kind and sweet, you would find someone else to feel the void he would inevitably leave. He had always been the one being left behind, and he survived, you would too. Also, it’s not as if he contributed a lot to your life. He was sure you both would be better with the other far away, I mean, the facts were there. Actually, they had been spiraling in his head for a while.

Then, if he knew all of that, why was he helping you cut clean bandages, especially so close to you that he could smell your shampoo? Oh yeah, because you asked him to, as easy as that, all his conviction melted away from every fiber of his body.

Why did he do that? Why was he so helpless around you? Oh yeah, because you made him feel so damn good. You had him wrapped around your finger and you didn’t seem to notice, you acted as if it was nothing, you had power over him, you had Humanity’s Strongest at his knees.

‘My family died a long time ago, I couldn’t save them, I moved in with my aunt and I decided that I’d study medicine for them.’ You said out of the blue.

You cut one bandage.

‘The letters I write are for them. It’s stupid, but it makes me feel closer to them.’

You cut another bandage.

He didn’t say a thing.

He hated himself, any other person would have hugged you or said something, he just stayed there, frozen and acting as cold as always. Why did you confide in him something so personal? He wasn’t the one to go when you are sad, he didn’t even know how to process his own trauma and baggage most of the time. What was he supposed to do?

On the other hand, you trusted Levi more than anyone in your life. He brought you peace and solace, something you thought you would never have.

You lost your family when you were really young, always feeling guilty for being the one who survived, and you promised to yourself you would vow your life to help the others, never putting your needs first. When you joined the military, you watched many soldiers die on your hands, you could still hear their last words, how scare they were, how they didn’t want to die like that, alone and far away from their family; you could also recall their mutilated bodies; and you could also remember how many of them would survive the Titans but lose the fights against their own mind and end up being another fallen soldier that died for nothing. You loved your job, but it also killed a part of you every day, there were no victories on a war, and you knew it. That’s why you picked up gardening, you planted a flower for every soldier who died, something to remember them.

When you met Levi, you admired him, you had heard the stories about him, his courage, mood changes, sharp tongue, skills, intelligence… You would be lying if you said he didn’t make you curious, you were used to soldiers haunted by the horrors they had faced, but something about him was different, maybe because you saw yourself in those grey eyes. You two were similar, you both had so much pent up that you could not talk about, you had an image to keep, and it was exhausting. He had a name to uphold, people looked up to him, if he failed, if he crumbled, everyone else would; you were a doctor, and no matter how hard things were, you had to be strong for your patients, never showing how much their pain took a toll on you. You could let your mask down, because even though he didn’t talk too much or overall understand why you were sharing that, it felt good, liberating.

Sometimes, he would also talk about him, not a lot, but enough to make you feel understood, and those moments, when he showed the man underneath the façade, glimpses of his true persona, those few minutes, sometimes even seconds, were responsible for your growing feelings for the captain.

‘It’s not stupid, I talk to my dead friends’ graves.’ He said nonchalantly, as if he wasn’t baring a piece of him in front of you.

Those kind of flashes of the man he was underneath took your breath away every single time.

You came close to him, slowly, testing the waters, not wanting to scare him away. Maybe it was too forward, too reckless, too much at a time, but he didn’t move. You brought your hand to his cheek. He didn’t jump away. You looked into his eyes, pools of mercury. He held your gaze, expecting your next move. You could feel the tension. He could too.

‘They would be really proud of you.’ You said, voice thin and trembling.

He was silent. Your words caught him of guard.

He was feeling too much. His heartbeat was erratic, beating wildly, he could hear it. He felt the blood boiling under his skin, he was so hot, he was sweating. He couldn’t move, but he felt his body trembling. He could feel the room closing on him, trapping him. He wasn’t in control.

It was a too familiar feeling, one he had experienced a thousand times before.

‘Levi, are you okay? I’m sorry I’ve made you uncomfortable.’ You said worriedly.

He didn’t know what to do, he just wanted the pain in his chest to end.

You were too close. You were trapping him too. So, he pushed you away from you and run from the infirmary. You couldn’t see him like that, no one could.

Why did he share that with you? Why did you get too close? Were you going to kiss him?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why was he like that?

Why did he ruin things?

Why did he lose control of himself? He couldn’t even feel his face when you touched it.

He felt pathetic. He felt like the little kid he once was.

Control is vital.

Control is vital.

Control is vital.

If he was with you, he wasn’t in control. And if he lost his control, then he would have nothing.

He had to get away from you, because you were stripping him from the only thing he had: his control.

[razorblade180]

Company

Zhongli:Aether, I require advice. Relationship advice.

Aether:!? Why come to me?

Zhongli:Should I have chosen to go to Childe?

Aether:No no, you did the safe thing. Honestly I can’t think of anyone in Liyue to give the most sound advice on these things. Except maybe Ningguang.

Zhongli:.....

Aether:*eyes widened* Oh my goodness it’s about Ningguang!?

Zhongli:Very observant of you. We are to meet up later for dinner. Though I’ve talked casually with her and countless others before, I fear I may somehow...squander this opportunity to connect with someone; it has been awhile.

Aether:You don’t have to pull at my heart strings like this. Now I feel nervous. But uhhh, you sure about Ningguang? Like have you thought that through?

Zhongli:I don’t know what you mean. Ningguang is a fine, respectable woman that’s dedicated to her craft. The Jade Chamber was a testament to that.

Aether:Yeah, it was. It’s as great as she is smart. That means I don’t think you’d be able to keep up being a regular funeral parlor employee. You’re going to slip up, Rex Lapis.

Zhongli:Hmmm I have thought about this. Part of being a human should include sincerity. If I am to connect with her, then it is only right that I be honest with her. However, it is unwise to open with news like that so soon. But I am sure she won’t be as surprised as common folk.

Aether:.....Zhongli, I don’t think you- actually, *pats back* I say you go on that dinner and pose a hypothetical question about Rex Lapis being alive. I think that will make things clear to you.

Zhongli:I suppose that would be better than speculating. Very well, I shall try.

Aether and Paimon:(He really doesn’t see it.)

[Half an hour into dinner]

Ningguang:Hehehe, I must say Zhongli, you continue to be quite the interesting character. If only we weren’t so busy, then we could do this more often.

Zhongli:I imagine in terms of schedules, you have hands fuller than my own.

Ningguang:True. Though I made the Jade Chamber once before, the time and effort it is taking to bring back my pride and joy isn’t going much faster than the first time it was made. I’m a patient woman though. I wouldn’t be good at what I do if I wasn’t one.

Zhongli:Well said. Say, Ningguang?

Ningguang:Yes?

Zhongli:I was discussing matters with a friend earlier today. Nothing factual, more so hypothetical and thought provoking.

Ningguang:Oh? Do tell. *sips drink*

Zhongli:My friend holds suspicions over Rex Lapis’s passing. Those suspicions gave way to the idea of the Geo Archon being alive. How would that make you feel?

Ningguang:Me? Well...I’d be as stunned as anyone else if it were true. After all, he fell from the sky right down in front of me.

Zhongli:Ah yes....that did happen didn’t it? (In hindsight, that may have landed on her on anybody for that matter.)

Ningguang:The idea of him being alive would raise a lot of questions easily. Though if you’re asking how I’d feel....I’d be happy to know such a being was still among us. Rex Lapis was quite generous and fair.

Zhongli:*smiles* That’s nice of you to-

Ningguang:But I’d also be upset that I sacrificed my Jade Chamber and Liyue was thrown into chaos over a faux death. I put everything I have into that place and being a voice to the people. To have gone through such an experience that wasn’t because of natural causes, I can’t say I’d be pleased by such knowledge.

Zhongli:Oh...I see. (That makes sense)

Ningguang:Then there’s Ganyu. She’s felt so at odds with who she is and what to do next since his passing. Seeing her lost like that pains me a bit. I doubt even she would be okay with Rex Lapis’s death being fake. Hehe, she’s a nice girl but I’m sure she’d have words with him.

Zhongli:Ah, so you would believe if he were alive, it was Rex Lapis himself that faked his death and not some outside force?

Ningguang:Of course. He’s Rex Lapis. A plan like that could only be full proof with his approval, or we would’ve intervened. I may sound a little bias, but I can’t imagine anyone containing him by force. Our Lord of Geo was far too strong for that. Unless multiple Archons were ther perpetrators, then he organized is own death; and sense the land is ravaged with warring archons right now, I don’t think they had a hand in it. They aren’t known fighting quietly.

Zhongli:(Truly...the word clever isn’t enough for her.) So you’d be angry and resent Rex Lapis? I...can understand that completely. His actions would come off a bit...much. *frowning*

Ningguang:.....

[Earlier]

Ningguang:Hello Traveler. It’s been awhile since we-

Paimon:Do you like Zhongli?

Ningguang:*red* E...Excuse me!? Wha-

Aether:Because I can tell he really likes you. Like a lot. Do you like him back?

Ningguang:I....find him charming. *blushing*

Aether:So yea?

Ningguang:Why have you come to ask this!?

Aether:...*bows*

Ningguang:Traveler?

Aether:Zhongli is a good person, but I’ll be the first to say he’s a bit of oddball. There are ways he goes about problems that I don’t necessarily agree with and he tends to rub someone the wrong way sometimes when he’s being helpful. Still, he’s a really kind individual and I can understand his actions even if I disagree. If you really like him then I hope you can see those merits too.

Ningguang:This is...sudden. Why do you feel the need to tell me this? And to bow as well, please, rise.

Aether:*relaxes* I just felt like it needed to said. That’s all.

[present]

Ningguang:...I never said I’d resent Rex Lapis.

Zhongli:Hmmm?

Ningguang:Our Lord of Geo, he’s done countless things; knows countless things. To fake is death would mean he had reasons. I know without a doubt those reasons, whatever they might be, still had Liyue and it’s people in mind. So why I personally may be upset if such a hypothetical were to be true, I also think I’d understand it; and forgive it in time. Rex Lapis, he’s kind hearted. What ever the reason, I know I could accept it. However, I wouldn’t let him off the hook. I’d make sure he continues helping people in whatever way he can. That includes helping fix the Jade Chamber. *smiling*

Zhongli:So that’s your full answer? Hmm, interesting.....*trembling* Ummm Ningguang?

Ningguang:*takes his hand* Yes?

Zhongli:If...you need assistance with the chamber, don’t hesitate to ask.

Ningguang:I won’t, thank you. (Honestly...how could I resent you when you’re this nervous?) Oh yeah, you’re gonna have to breakdown the news to Ganyu.

Zhongli:Hehe, I guess we’re done speaking in hypotheticals then?

Ningguang:I find it cute you thought we ever were.

Aether:*watching tables away* Well, guess that solves that.

Paimon: All’s well that ends well! Paimon was worried for a bit, but you’re such a bighearted softie that you basically told Ningguang what was up.

Aether:What are you talking about? All I said was Zhongli is a man with good intentions, even if they are a tad selfish. Sigh....no one wants to feel alone. Especially in a world that’s constant changing and you can’t help but be different. Finding love makes everything feel not so bad.

Paimon: Paimon couldn’t agree more!

Aether:Well now that one dinner is going well, might as well have one ourselves right? We have menus.

Paimon:Actually.....Paimon has to pass sadly. Chow down for the both of us though! *disappears*

Aether:Paimon!? But...you never miss a chance to eat. Where’d you-

???:Excuse me, mind if I join you?

Aether:*turns around*......*red*

Amber:*red dress and curly hair* I was told by someone a certain traveler would be at a table for two, looking for company?

Aether:Would this someone be a certain little floating companion that is always scheming something?

Amber:You know... I think so. *smiles* So, mind if this nervous outrider who may be a tad overdressed for this restaurant keep you company?

Aether:*smiles* I wouldn’t mind at all.

[ultimatebethylficlist]

Veteran Author of The Month: June 2021

The featured veteran author for June is also a co-admin right here at UBFL: SquishyCool (or @im-immortal )!

SquishyCool can be found on AO3 and FFN under the same penname.

When asked what got her into Bethyl and what the fandom means to her, she said:

I’ve been a hardcore TWD fan since the show began airing, but that’s because of my love for zombies. In all honesty, I didn’t really ship anyone for the first 3-4 seasons. I kind of shipped Daryl with Carol, but then it became clear that it was a platonic relationship and in all honesty, I just wanted to see them both get some action lmao. Then the prison fell... and in those first moments of “Still,” when we see Beth and Daryl running and running and finally collapsing on the ground, breathless and exhausted... the butterflies started. Something clicked and I immediately thought, “uh oh.” The rest is history, especially considering how “Still” and “Alone” played out. I can’t explain how or why I’m still so heavily invested, especially considering my last 2 fandoms only kept my attention for about 2-3 years each, but here I am. And I love it! I am so incredibly grateful for the Bethyl fandom because not only has it helped me improve my writing so much more than I ever could have imagined, but it has also introduced me to some of the most amazing people, including someone who I now consider one of my very best friends! It’s my happy place :)

For her personal fic rec list, she recommends:

In The Maw by ronsparkyspeirs

Way Down We Go by LeathernLaces

Surfacing by lindentree

Wild Things (The Moonshine Poet) by Abelina

The Gift by Feliz

The Man Who Can't Be Moved by burningupasun

New Experiences Series by wallflow3r

Whisper Softly to Me by taylorcatherine

Interstice by leftmywingshome

To Love Like a Man by Seraphique

Death, Death (i defy thee) by alamorn

In My Blood by Courtneyshortney82

Let the Good Times Roll by gutsforgarters

Resolved by Allatariel

the weight of these wings by peachthorns

all my spaces are filled with you by annabeth_writes

A Little Jailbreak with the Little Jailbait by wandering_gypsy_feet

between the beginning and the end by sheriffandsteel

SquishyCool’s Works & Personal Thoughts:

Dirty Fingernails and Dried Blood Summary: What happened during the months between "Still" and "Alone"? Beth uses the last pages of her diary to write down every detail of surviving with Daryl. Thoughts: My first Bethyl fanfic. It holds a special place in my heart for that reason, though it is pretty rough. If I could go back, I never would’ve done it entirely in first-person. But I do plan to finish it one day. There are some scenes I’m particularly proud of, and I still have a long note full of ideas and plot points.

Most Wanted Summary: After Beth’s mother and half-brother are murdered in a drug war, the godly veil on the Greene Family operation is lifted, and law enforcement comes down hard. In an effort to protect her family, Beth commits a heinous crime that could mean life in prison alongside them. Now everyone she’s ever trusted is in police custody and her only chance at freedom is to get as far away from Atlanta as she can... Thoughts: Well, this is a must-read if you like my writing. I hope to one day convert this into an original fiction and maybe get it published, but I need to finish it first LOL. I got the idea from ONE scene of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” and from there, it exploded into a huge mystery thriller (with lots of romance and smut). I’m really really proud of it, and I’m scared I’ll fuck it up tbh, so I keep putting off continuing it. But I really need to get back to it because I really want people to see what I have planned! (Also, this fic is the reason @courtneyshortney82​ started talking to me, so that alone is pretty historic lmao)

The Crow’s Song Summary: Beth and Daryl spend a few more days together in the funeral home and come to terms with all they've lost along the way. But soon, they must decide what comes next. Thoughts: This fic... this fucking fic. It took me a full year to write. I made numerous edits. I even got a little depressed while I was writing the last two chapters, and my bf didn’t know why until he read what I’d been writing lol. It’s honestly the Bethyl fic I’ve always wanted to write but just didn’t know how. I’m still really really proud of how it turned out.

Carnival Games Summary: Daryl is a traveling carnival worker and Beth is a barely legal farmer's daughter looking for a night of fun when the carnival comes to town. Thoughts: Omg this fic is so fun!! One of my first Bethyl fics, and one of my first Bethyl smut fics. Short, sweet, a little funny, and a lot hot. I am still impressed with myself on this one, especially considering how much my writing has improved since lol

Breathe. Please. Summary: Beth shows up at the Hilltop. Alive. Daryl can hardly believe his eyes. Until she's lying in his bed, an arm's reach away. And he can hear her inhaling... exhaling... inhaling... Thoughts: Another “fix-it” that I’m proud of. Tbh I didn’t think it was anything all that special, but a lot of readers have said it’s one of their favorites, and some say they reread it regularly, and nothing makes me happier than hearing that, so I am extremely proud.

picking @ scabs Summary: Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, being with them just isn't right. But what wouldn't you give for it to be right? Can someone like Daryl learn how to swallow his pride and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over? Can someone like Beth learn to fight off her demons and allow him to get close enough to hurt her again? How can they stay away from each other when it's all too easy to fall back into one another? Picking a scab will leave a scar, but they both have so many scars already... what's a few more? Thoughts: This fic is very, very personal for me. It’s like my “therapy” fic. I have poured some of my deepest feelings and struggles into its chapters, and the whole idea that got me to start it was that I wanted to find a way to navigate and cope with ending my 3-year long relationship with my emotionally/mentally/sometimes physically abusive ex. I still have a lot of fond memories from that relationship, but even more so, I have painful memories. Not to mention, going through your early 20s as a woman in the modern day is a fuckin’ trip, so this kind of explores that. It’s really self-indulgent, I think, but I’m really proud of the smut in it. And more than that, I’m proud of the response. I’ve had a few people message me or comment to say that they’ve felt all those things, or have experienced similar things, and it’s really just... relieving. I put my heart and soul out there, and what I got back was “you’re not alone.” So yeah, this fic is special. I wanna finish it soon, but I have to be in A Mood to do so. 

In Toto Corde Summary: Despite a million reasons not to, Beth and Daryl fell in love. Then he made the ultimate sacrifice in order to keep all of his promises. Now, facing unimaginable consequences at the hands of witch hunters, Beth has no choice but to use her powers to bring Daryl back from the dead. "He won't be the same..." Thoughts: I LOVE THIS FIC. I love it so much that I had to rewrite it after like 4 or 5 years. And I already started on a sequel that I really hope I’m able to finish. Though it doesn’t have many hits, and I don’t think many people have read it at all, which I understand since it basically is entirely focused around Daryl being killed. But damn, I’m proud of this one, and it was really fucking fun to write because witch!Beth is just... the best.

risk it all (part 1 of in for a penny, in for a pound) Summary: Daryl Dixon has a pretty decent life, all things considered. He's got his own place. A good dog. A few friends. Even a girlfriend. He keeps himself out of trouble. Until he starts texting Beth Greene. And hell, if he ain't about to risk it all for this damn girl. Thoughts: This was supposed to be one short multichapter fic focused entirely on smut and social media. Then I got on a roll and it ended up being the beginning of a series! This fic is purely fun. Nothing too serious or heavy. I write it when I’m in a Good Mood because it’s my little happy place. I have plans for about 4 more fics before the series will be finished!

Don’t Make Me Haunt You Summary: So here's the thing: Merle Dixon is dead as fuck. And as it turns out, Beth Greene is the only one who can see or hear him. Which is weird considering she's never met or even heard of this guy, let alone anyone with the last name Dixon. That's her first problem... Thoughts: The reception to this fic has absolutely blown me away. I had no idea anyone would want to read about ghost!Merle haunting Beth and forcing her to solve his murder with the help of his grumpy brother. And it was all inspired by an episode of South Park lmao then I started really getting into it and now it’s just like, my super fun fic where I explore a range of emotions and all kinds of religious beliefs and different mythologies and I can build the world however I want and goddamn I just love writing this fic. Plus there’s a podfic for it! I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this fic and how proud I am of it :)

[passable-talent]

Hey! I know you have done a lot of these but could you do a Zuko x Reader body appreciation fluffy/angsty thing? One where the s/o is naturally very sympathetic and forgiving and is one of the first members of Team Avatar to trust Zuko. And then when he is just sulking about his scar and his past and then the s/o swoops in and basically holds him and just stays like that for awhile while telling him everything good about him. I’m rewatching the series and honestly thats all I wanna do rn. Tysm❤️

good god isn’t that the mood... what we all feel when zuko exists, isn’t it? I’m soft

three posts?? in two days?? imagine

Ever since Aang told you about Zuko’s meltdown outside of the North Pole, you figured something very deep and very sad was going on underneath Zuko’s skin. There was something much more to him than he let on- and you figured it had to do with his banishment. You didn’t know much, as word of such things didn’t travel far outside of the fire nation, but you could guess.

His father would’ve had to have been the one to banish him. And he was young, your age, sixteen- how young had he been when his father cast him out? You couldn’t imagine.

And yes, Katara hated him, and you knew she had reason, but you hadn’t been around as long, you simply didn’t understand. But what you could understand was a sad and mistreated boy, and you felt for him, even as you fought against him.

But when things changed, and he turned to team avatar, you knew you had to do something. You wanted to learn more, to understand, because you couldn’t help but think that all of his anger was merely sadness hidden under a mask. You wanted to learn more, and to help, because he was your teammate now. You had always felt for him, and even more so now, with his full, if stunted, range of emotions bared to you.

You often took walks around the western air temple, late at night. As an earth kingdom native, the stone of the temple was home to you, and you loved the silence only broken by the padding of your bare feet.

And, by the sound of tears.

Your heart hurt for whoever was kept awake this late by their pain, and you began to follow the sound, though you had a sneaking suspicion who it was.

You rounded a corner inside the temple and found the room a little bit away from the rest of team avatar where Zuko had put himself up. Having not noticed you yet, he continued to stare into a puddle on the floor and shake, his knees pulled up as he sat on the floor.

Your heart nearly broke for him.

“Hey,” you whispered from the door, trying not to startle him. He looked up and quickly wiped away his tears, as though you hadn’t noticed, casting his gaze anywhere but you. You gave a small smile and walked into the room, sitting beside him, almost close enough to tough. You purposefully but subtly let your knee droop to the side, hiding the puddle from his vision. He hadn’t said a word, and you knew that starting a conversation would need to be a delicate process.

“I knew there was more to you,” you said, as though confirming a theory. It made him look at you, his good eye’s puffiness hiding in the dim light.

“What do you mean?” He asked, and you smiled, not giving him the burden of eye contact as you gazed off toward the wall.

“All those times you were chasing after Aang. Everything they’ve told me about you, from before. I knew there was something more than anger keeping you going.” He turned his face from you, and the both of you gazed off into the middle distance, side by side.

“There wasn’t, back then,” he said, a curt breath leaving his lungs.

“Yes, even then,” you corrected, “but I can’t figure out what. It was more than a drive to capture the avatar for the-“ you straightened your back and puffed out your chest, making fun of the statement you were about to make. “-victory of the glorious fire nation.” Another puff of air left his lungs, and you assumed it was the closest you were going to get to a laugh.

“Got any theories?” He asked, and you shrugged.

“Something about your banishment. You must’ve been young, huh?” You said, this time turning your eyes to him. He stared straight forward.

“Thirteen.” You shook your head, turning your eyes away.

“Wow.” For a moment, all you could hear was the cricket-flies out the window.

“That must be it, then,” you said, as though you’d solved the case. “Cast out by your father, at such a young age. I bet you thought that if you got the avatar back, your father would accept you home.”

“He was never going to accept me.”

“He doesn’t deserve to,” was your quick response, and he turned to you in shock. You continued.

“You’ve betrayed your father to come to us, and it was the right thing to do. You put the future of your nation and the world over your desire to win back his affection.” You finally made eye contact with him, a small smile on your face. “You know, I grew up in a small village in Abbey, one of the first that the fire nation took in the war. We were policed, and militarized, and poor.” His gaze faltered, and you could tell he felt guilty. “And though the fire nation controlled our education and filled it with propaganda, our parents taught us the truth- and often taught us to blindly hate the fire nation.” You reached out to take his hand. “You- you’re the first fire nation member I’ve ever met that I can’t find a fault in. All of those soldiers and teachers, they had malice in their hearts, but you’re doing what’s right for your people.” You brought his gaze back to yours with your free hand, gently. “You give me hope for the future of the fire nation.” He kept his gaze to yours for a moment before closing his eyes, breathing out. With the breath he let go of the last of the tension in his stomach.

“I hope I’m worthy of that,” he said quietly, and you felt a smile quirk at the edge of your lips.

“You are.” As that conversation seemed to dwindle away, you let him sit in silence for a moment, expecting to restart him talking on some other topic. However, he took up the conversation of his own accord.

“You were almost completely correct,” he said, opening his eyes again, but keeping them downcast. “For a long time, it was completely about regaining my father’s love. But that wasn’t all of it.” You tilted your head and squeezed his hand briefly, hoping to spur him on without words. He looked up, his golden eyes meeting yours with strength you hadn’t seen before, and he took his free hand up to point at his scar. “On the day of my banishment, my father did this to me. So every day, as it hurt, i was reminded of my father’s scorn. And every day more that I see it, I remember that my father thought I was such a bad option as an heir to the throne that he would marr my face. My face, of all places- no one can look at me without seeing the mark of a fire lord who said ‘this one isn’t good enough’.” As soon as he finished talking you leaned forward and hugged him, tightly, your cheek resting on his shoulder.

“You don’t deserve that,” you whispered, an intangible sadness gnawing at your heart. He was so abused- it was horrible. His silence was all you got in return but slowly his arms came around you, and you readjusted until it wasn’t so much that you had lept forward but now it was like you’d pulled him into you. “I’m so sorry.” He didn’t answer, merely nodded, his hair moving past your ear. Slowly you parted and reached up to softly touch his scar, fingers hovering just away from the rough skin to give him time to pull away. When he didn’t, you laid your hand down softly, your pinkie finger lining up with his jaw line. “It doesn’t take away from your handsomeness, you know,” you whispered, bravely. His cheek warmed up under your touch, though he didn’t say a word back. You smiled, and let your eyes drift from his golden gaze down to his lips.

His touch was warmer than yours. You had to assume it was the fire within his veins- or maybe that within his heart. Either way, afterward, when his lips pulled away and all you had were his hands on your lower back, the night air made you shiver.

-🦌 Roe

[scammydoesstuff]

So about that 'Blue Bloods' episode…

I recently saw something come across my dash regarding Alex Brightman’s guest appearance on the season 11 episode of 'Blue Bloods' (The Common Good) and it reignited the vehement response I had to the episode as a whole. And, since I have this blog now, I figured…fuck it. I need to rant about it.

So that's what this is.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, of course. This show is so clearly not for me and I acknowledge that, but I went to school for and got my degree in creative writing and so much of this episode pissed me off from a narrative perspective and I just really need to talk about it. Putting it under a Read More, though, so you can ignore me if you’d like while I rage to no one in particular. Apologies in advance if you choose to read on. I'm super long-winded. Luckily I don't have pictures and this is more of just a lot of text, so…it could be longer?

So, to begin, I’ll freely admit that I’d never seen an episode of 'Blue Bloods' before this and I’ve not watched it since. I mean, if the rest of the episodes are as badly written as this one, I have no interest to either, but I digress.

Overall my main problem with the episode was how desperately it avoided ‘showing’ over ‘telling’ and, as a visual medium, that’s kind’ve a big deal. We were told pretty much every detail that was presented to us. These people love to hear themselves talk, but do little to actually show things as they happen and I believe a part of that has to do with the focus of the show itself, which is definitely unique to this brand of television. By that, I just mean that it’s not the format I might’ve expected from a show like this. Most cop shows give a lot of focus to the cases, and the intrigue you get with the characters is how they apply their own skills and knowledge to solve them, with the hi-jinks they get into along the way being more of a bonus.

This is not that kind of show.

No, 'Blue Bloods' as a show is way more interested in the cops and their familial ties than it is about the actual job that they’re doing, as shown prominently with the political plot of this episode which was also very focused on the relationship between Tom Selleck’s character and his daughter and the wholly unrelated dinner scene where they talk about lent for 2 and a half minutes and acknowledge nothing else that happened in the episode. This show doesn’t care about the job of being a cop so much as it cares about the cops themselves.

Which would be fine if I gave a shit about cops, but I don’t.

You could argue that the mentor plot is the exception to that, but that entire situation had no real consequences for the cop in question, Jamie, abusing his power. It was entirely focused on how the situation affected him and how it was fine that he’d nudged this kid to get information which ultimately led to the arrest of Dion's brother, and Dion quitting the program. Hell, if Jamie had, in his final scene with Dion, owned up to his abuse of power and left the program — to then urge Dion to rejoin so that he can have that positive outlet in his life without him there — I would’ve been way more okay with it, but Jamie faces no consequences past ‘I don’t wanna see you anymore’, which I was never convinced he actually cared about in the slightest. There's nothing cathartic about it, it's just shitty and left me feeling frustrated at the lack of consequences for the cop.

But hey, you prolly don’t wanna read me going on and on about those parts. You prolly wanna know why I hate it despite Alex’s plot — which I fully expected to love because he’s perfect and gorgeous even when he’s playing a bad guy and he was just so adorable in his lil suit and they let him keep the scruff this time, and he was all handsome an— I need to stop. That could go on forever.

Anyway, to put it simply; it was bad, but I'll definitely explain why.

Now, I don’t think any of the guests in this episode necessarily did a bad job. They still acted well enough for what they were given. I just think they had a shit script that wasn’t interested in that story line. I mentioned at the top of this that this show cared more about telling than showing and that’s a huge problem when you want me to buy a character being the culprit in your murder plot. I need evidence, not anecdotes. Cuz, yeah, by the end of the episode, I didn’t buy for even a second that Ralph did it. And it’s not because he was played by Alex who is just charisma incarnate. I can believe him playing a bad guy. I also watched his 'Law & Order SVU' episode where he scared the shit outta me. He can play a creepy and violent character very well, he just wasn’t convincing to me as a bad guy in this show.

And here’s why!

First of all, he confessed at knife point. That confession would be thrown away IRL. It’s the same problem with using torture to get information. If a person’s life is threatened or they're being harmed in some way, they’ll usually say whatever it takes to get you to stop threatening them/causing them pain. Same deal here. You can’t convince me with a confession like that.

But they didn't seem to be interested in convincing anyone as far as I could tell. They just expected you to believe it because, ‘no, didn’t you hear? He said he did it, so he did it.’ They had so many opportunities to portray this character as the shitbag that we’re told he is. Hell, great way to really implicate him? Give him a female assistant that Donnie Wahlberg and his partner overhear / walk in on him berating for something small like getting him the wrong coffee or something. Then have them talk to that assistant later on and her mention some weird behavior from him on the night of Andrea’s death. It's cliché, but it's more than what we got.

Or you could have him talk to Meghan in a super condescending voice when he approaches her after her interview later on. Or, hell, have him refer to the murder victim in a condescending way even as he talks about her death. But no. The most we get out of him is that he's maybe a little snarky and smug when talking to the cops, but that’s not enough to convince me he’s a bad dude. Frankly, his producer buddy came off as more of an asshole, if I'm being honest. Just cuz (we’re told) his character did shitty things to her in the past doesn’t mean he’s still shitty. Show me he’s still shitty. I wanna see it and I know Alex is capable of a performance like that.

Second, it’s also just…obvious to make him the culprit if we're to believe everything we're told about him. He and Andrea are described as having had beef a little while before the murder with him being abusive mentally and physically. He’s known in the community to be a misogynist and an abusive person overall. He’s the obvious suspect, but if there’s anything that Scooby-Doo taught me, it’s that it’s never the most obvious person. Like, once in a blue moon, sure — but it’s rare.

So yeah, I don’t believe that Ralph did it. You wanna know who I do think did it?

Meghan.

Alright, so bear with me. This'll prolly sound a little conspiratorial, but hear me out:

She had the motive. She confirms in the beginning of the episode that she’s also a female gamer like the victim, but that she was ‘no Andrea’. Andrea was her competition. They were (supposedly) friends and stuck together as female gamers, but Andrea was still competition. With her out of the way, Meghan’s able to rise in the ranks, if even a little bit.

She had a scapegoat in Ralph — again, the obvious suspect given his tumultuous relationship with Andrea sometime prior — and an obvious grudge against men in their community in general. And, don’t get me wrong, men in gaming can and often are hella toxic — I’m not, in any way, denying that — but she got way more emotional when talking about the men in their community than when she was talking about her supposed friend lying dead in the adjoining room.

Speaking of the adjoining room, how did she not hear the murder happening? It couldn’t have been when she was down in the bar, cuz we see Ralph there too in the crappy CCTV footage that was supposed to show him being an asshole, I think (hard to really see). Was she just fucking around somewhere else when it happened? She doesn’t mention as much that I recall (correct me if I'm wrong on that, of course). And Andrea was strangled to death. I would assume that there would’ve been a struggle with that. Are you seriously telling me she wouldn’t hear that in her adjoining hotel room? Those walls aren’t that thick. I find that kinda hard to believe. And that she wouldn’t have found her till the next morning after that, also strikes me as a little odd.

Going off on some previous points, she shows very little grief over her friend’s death. Not just in the intro scene, either, but later on as well. (Side bar: that intro scene itself was very misleading. Don’t lead with a murder plot if it only takes up less than 10 minutes of the overall runtime, kay?) The show did a pretty bad job at indicating the passage of time, but it’s implied that the convention is still happening when Meghan gets the confession out of Ralph, so it would’ve had to have been the same weekend, or possibly the same week (though most conventions I’m aware of don’t last that long — it’s usually a weekend thing, at most Thursday-Sunday — but it could be similar to AGDQ, which seems to last about a week). So, if this is only a day or so later, why would someone who is supposedly grieving over their dead friend do interviews like nothing is wrong? Wouldn't you, like, reschedule or just politely decline and say you need time to process the shock? Like, when we cut to ol’ Donnie Wahlberg calling her after her interview, she doesn’t look upset — as I imagine she might if they’d likely asked her questions about Andrea / her feelings about the murder — and she seems cool as a cucumber when she asks Ralph to go somewhere private. In fact, the look on her face indicates pretty clearly that she’s planning to do something. Specifically, not that she's scared, that she's angry.

Finally, she’s the one who’s attacking Ralph when Donnie Wahlberg and company arrive on the scene. She doesn’t seem to have any marks on her indicating that he made any move to harm her (again, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember seeing her with any marks / cuts), but he’s got a clear, bleeding cut on his face. She attacked him first and was going in for the kill.

Or…was she? Cuz right before Donnie Wahlberg pulls her into that bear hug to stop her from the attack, she doesn’t do a great job of actually trying to kill Ralph. She was close enough that a quick dart at him would’ve probably been enough to at least injure him pretty significantly — maybe even fatally — and would’ve surely led the cops to pull them apart to secure him, but she kinda just hops around a bit and screams before lunging for him. That’s a really weird way to attack when you actually want to kill someone.

But, then again, I don’t necessarily think she did want to kill him. I’m convinced she wanted that confession, but that she also wanted him in jail and was playing the part of the super sad and hysterical victim who was just so overcome with her grief that she wasn’t in her right mind. I think that’s what they were going for in regards to her character in general, but it came across as less sincere in the performance and more like the character was putting on an act. They then cart Ralph off while comforting her — despite the fact that she disobeyed a direct order from police, which should lead to her being detained as well! — and that plot ends.

So, she gets what she wants in the end. A person she despises is now in police custody, her competition is out of the way, and the publicity she might get for bringing that ‘murderer’ to justice might eventually lead to her own career getting a nice boost. I dunno, it just strikes me as her having a great reason to have initiated this over Ralph just being a misogynist who 'was really trying to kill Meghan and just got the wrong girl'.

So yeah, with what the show presented to us, I believe Meghan’s the real killer. Again, if they’d done more to show me that Ralph was a bad dude or that she was more affected by her supposed friend’s death, or if they'd just given that plot more room to breathe to show those things, I might’ve been more inclined to buy the narrative they were pushing but…as is, I don’t believe it.

That’s pretty much all I wanted to say on the matter. I had a lot of issues with the domestic abuse plot line too, but they barely gave that 5 minutes of the overall runtime, so does it really matter in the long run? This is just…my thought process of the only part of the episode I watched for and how disappointing it was for me. And yes, I timed each section of the episode to figure out how much time was given to each of the 4 plots, plus the dinner scene at the end, but not counting the intro theme, and the murder plot got just over 8 minutes, of which Alex was on screen for half of that time. He got less than 5 minutes of screen time. It was definitely worth it just because he’s wonderful and I just like seeing him on these shows, but from a narrative standpoint, it felt pointless.

Okay, I’m done. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Unless y’all wanna talk about this some more, cuz I’m so down for that.

[mrsbarnes107]

Secret of the Widow

-part three-

Summary: Post Endgame time period. The team is healing, trying to navigate this new normal they’ve found themselves in when Bucky and Sam bring home a stray with an attitude.

Warnings: language, *eventual* violence and smut, death, fluff, angst

Pairings: Bucky x OC

Disclaimer: this is posted to Wattpad as well and it WILL HAVE PLOT. I’m a Bucky hoe so there will be smut and romancy stuff but this is a series, so plot plot plot.

A low growl emitted from Buckys chest upon my revelation. I turn to him and shake my head. "I know that you're curious as to why I never told anyone about your identity. Well get to that in moment." I said with a clipped nod.

"As I said, I know about you all. Steve Rodgers and his heroic friend Bucky Barnes, lost in the mountains so long ago. It's a story I know well. So imagine my surprise when I remove his beloved mask and see a very war torn Sargent Barnes decades after his apparent death staring up at me. When he came to, Bucky had no memory besides the pain he felt at the hands of HYDRA. So getting him to trust me took time, patience, and a lot of food."

I looked back to Barnes as I grew close to finishing up the story. "I told him who he was. Everything. He didn't believe me of course, at the time he was broken and confused and wouldn't understand that he was once a man that saved the world. A man that was still dying to break free from the prison of his own mind. I showed him photos from those days, told him his story, and after a lot of convincing and sleeping on a moldy floor, he began to trust me."

I sighed and took a sip of my water, setting it down with a thud. "However, I am obviously not Steve nor did I have the magic end of the line phrase handy. So once Bucky returned to HYDRA and was wiped he forgot everything again."

With a quick glance to Barnes and the flash of a smile I continued. "Keep in mind this was a year before Steve found him. In that year I came across the Winter Soldier about a dozen times. After our first meeting I couldn't leave him all alone again. I gathered intel and found him, every mission he went on. After the first few times of getting thrown through walls I learned that, if I allow him to catch me, to see me not fighting him. Bucky would fight his way out and remember me, remember who he was suppose to be. For that year I made sure he wasn't alone and I helped keep him human as much as I could."

With a shrug I finished "Like I said, when he was wiped he forgot me. And evidently the last time he went under it wiped me completely considering I got yeeted once again." I said with a quiet chuckle.

I looked around the room, allowing the silence to set for a moment. Peter broke it.

"You spent a year getting thrown around, just to keep Cranky Pants over here from feeling lonely?"

Bucky grunted and sent a glare to Peter, then leaned forward and looked at me with serious eyes and creased brows. "Why would you put yourself in that much danger, over and over again. Not only do I not deserve that kindness, but it was incredibly reckless of you."

I looked between the two. "I did it because you were in pain and I was the only person that knew you were alive. I did it because you never actually hurt me and you deserved to feel compassion."

Sam broke his silence with a frustrated sigh. "If you believe he deserved compassion, deserved help. Why didn't you tell anyone about his existence?"

"I did it to protect him. And me. If I told Nicky, he would of had him hunted and killed, he wouldn't want the liability and likely would've never told Steve. And I couldn't tell the Avengers, not only were you all preoccupied, but I would of blown my cover long before I was suppose to."

"What do you mean blow your cover? Why were you even taking out HYDRA agents in the first place? Do you work for SHIELD?" Confusion laced Banners tone as his eyebrows creased tighter together. He looks like he's trying to solve a difficult equation but is missing half the variables.

"No, I don't officially work for anyone. I answer to myself and work alone. However, Nicky, the man who helped raise me, provided me the information I have on you all. He'd send me tips on HYDRA sightings and I gathered intel and found my own missions. I was my own operative, helping you lot right under your noses."

"This Nicky, you said he helped raise you. Where are your parents? And who does he work for to have clearance like that?" Sam asked with squinted eyes.

I scrunch my nose in disgust. "Lovely. Time for the personal questions apparently."

Sitting up straight I look to Wanda, who has been incredibly quiet and mindful during the story. She looks at me and gives a small smile. This doesn't go unnoticed by Bucky or Clint, both of whom are looking between us with suspicion and curiosity.

"Only three people in this world know my identity. One of them now being Wanda due to her wonderful, yet intrusive, powers." I say with a kind look to the witch. "And the other, besides Nicky, is dead."

I clear my throat and tilt my chin up. "As we all know, Tony Stark was a very nosy genius. And that stubborn man hacked enough databases to find out about little ole me when I was thirteen years old." I glance at the room before I continue. "My identity is reserved for only the highest clearance. When Tony discovered my files he contacted Nicky and offered me an internship. He said I had too much intellect to waste and wanted to teach me how to become the operative this team will need one day." With a small, sad smile I look to Banner. "I worked with him and lived in the tower for over six years, save for the times we were both preoccupied with HYDRA agents or killer robots."

"Tony practically helped raise me, never saying a word to anyone about my existence or bragging about his favorite student." I winked at Peter at that.

The kid looked to me, confusion evident. "So Wanda, Tony, and Nicky are the only people who know who you are. If only high clearance gets access to your files, then who's Nicky?"

Someone cleared their throat, then a deep voice boomed. "That would be me."

As everyone turned in their seats to look at the new comer, I glanced at his one eye and smiled. "Ah theres the last attendee, you're late Nicky."

"Fury. Nick FURY. Thats your Nicky?!" Spidey boy squeaked out as the rest of the team just stared at the two of you.

"It's Fury to you Parker." He said with a stoney face, making Peter pale the slightest bit. "And I'm not late kiddo, you just got captured a lot faster than I thought you would."

Fury's boots echoed on the floor as he came to stand beside me. He put a hand on top of my head and glared at the rooms occupants. "Everyone, meet your newest team member."

I look up at Fury meeting his gaze with an arched brow, a question in my eyes. He gives me a slight nod and I turn to the group.

I meet each of their eyes, pausing at Bucky for a moment before stopping at Clint.

"This is Alianovna . Alianovna Romanoff."

[mydriases]

Boyfriend headcanons for Epel and Lilia

Anon asked: Hello! Welcome to the fandom! I look forward to your future writing. Can I get some boyfriend headcanon for Epel and Lilia? Thank you!

Thanks, I've kept the format of my first post so I hope it's what you expected!

A small digression to thank you all for the +100 followers! I don't understand how so many people would want to read what I write lol Thank you to everyone who commented or sent messages of encouragement, it touches me deeply.

Epel Felmier

Like loads of people, when you first saw Epel, you thought he was just another pretty boy.

It was at the welcome party for Pomefiore’s new students that you changed your mind.

You heard him fuming over the fact that he wanted to be a Savanaclaw, saw him get reprimanded for his table manners and noticed the way he really seemed out of place, all of this convinced you that he wasn't just another narcissist.

You made a point to become his friend, not out of pity but out of admiration. He was a person with many hidden talents who was able to put up with an environment he despised.

It is true that you were also looking for a type of personality different from the one who invaded Pomefiore like ivy.

One evening, while you were reading in the living room, the incessant chatter of your classmates forced you to leave the room. At least that's what you would've done if you hadn't seen Epel trapped by three other people.

They were talking together about how Epel was a model of elegance and that some people should follow his example. Their discussion was one-sided, judging by the expression of embarrassment that covered Epel's face like a veil.

You made it your duty to get him out of this situation.

You approached the small group, interrupted them and then took your sweetest voice to apologize to these gentlemen because you had to work on a project with Epel.

Of course, they didn’t express any objection and let the two of you go away after a final praise.

Epel showered you with thanks and even asked you if there was any way he could repay you.

« I mean… I wasn’t lying when I said I had a project to work on. »

You don’t feel any shame for asking him that, since as a result the ice broke between you and him.

None of you was close with the other students of your dorm so you spent most of your free time together.

Step by step you discovered Epel’s inner fire, and it was hot pun intended

In spite of his shyness, he could be quite responsive and outspoken when the situation was too much.

He began to open up and talked to you about his insecurities. Specifically, about his own body.

You understood that what was for Pomefiore an asset, was for Savanaclaw a drawback. All the praise was nothing when his own body was telling him he hadn't the capacities.

But some things can't change, so he focused on his magical abilities more than anything else.

It was hard for you to find the right words, but you assumed that sometimes you just need someone to listen to you. You took his hand.

Nothing was really the same after that, from this point there was an unspoken intimacy you two shared.

You held hands and hugged easily. Epel became something more than a friend, he felt closer and soon there was no more words needed for you to understand him. In fact, it felt natural to know.

One evening, while some festivities were taking place in the dormitory, you two apologized and went for a walk in the gardens.

You were chatting on a bench enjoying the coolness of the night. Until a comfortable silence settled between the two of you, and Epel turned to you.

Out of the blue he decided that kissing you was a good idea. yes it fricking was

If you ignore the fact that he withdrew as quickly as he moved forward or the fact that you were so shocked that you almost lost the ability to think properly, it all went pretty well.

The new physical intimacy that came with that kiss was unknown to anyone because of how discreet you were in your pda

He starded to give your little presents more often : carved apple, homemade food and even bouquets if that’s what you like (doesn’t know how to romance but he's not gonna admit defeat let me tell you).

He'd take you flying on his broomstick, he isn’t allowed? Who cares ! For once he can break the rules.

He would use you as an excuse to get away from Pomefiore student, « sorry but my love is waiting » he would said in a polite but slightly smug way

You'd discuss ways to make Pomefiore's uniforms more cool and what should change in the dorm. It would happen most of the time after Vil made a comment that Epel didn’t like.

Kisses in the library between the bookshelves, kisses in the garden, kisses everywhere when no one is around.

The kisses with Epel are such a soft thing, his hair would tickle your face and his hands would slide slowly up to your elbows to cup them.

When the kiss would end, you'd stand a few inches apart and notice the beauty of his eyelashes as his breath would caress your face.

Lilia Vanrouge

It was a hard thing not to notice the strange character that was Lilia Vanrouge.

He could hear your discussions from across the hall, spoke in an archaic way and appeared before you without you seeing him coming.

Actually, that's how you first met him. You were looking for a book in the library and he appeared in your field of vision, the wanted book in his hands.

He introduced himself, asked if you were looking for this book in particular and disapeared after giving it. He literally disapeared. You blinked once and paf ! You were alone.

You understood that what happened wasn’t a dream when he actually called you by your name in potions and asked you to be his partner.

In the first place, you were quite astonished. From what the rumors said Lilia was old, like so-old-I-should-be-dead years old, which means that he is knowleadgeable. Although you surely were not the last in your class, you still didn’t reach his level.

Your regular partner was absent, so you had no reason to say no.

It was difficult to know if he was good or bad at potions because he could propose an ideal solution and then he would assume that « perphaps if we add that  the result would be better » (spoilers, it didn’t work but at least the final result didn’t change too much)

Since, he continued to appear unexpectedly next to you, only to disappear the minute you looked away. It was entertaining so you didn’t mind.

 « Good evening. I was wondering...is the answer to question number 15 « the heart of a legendary beast »? 

Yes, it is…Hey Lilia, as you can see I’m on cleaning duty and it would be nice if you could h-

Thank you very much, it is always a pleasure to discuss with you » and he disapeared the basta-

You would soon start to have tea together, it kind of happened naturally. He asked you once and the invitations never stopped.

At least that's what you would have wished for.

You didn’t get any explanations, from one day to the next he stopped talking to you. There was no more funny stories over tea, no more surprise appearances, not even a glance at you.

Three weeks, three weeks of being ignored. Who can blame you if you were mad at him ?

His absence made you realize many things, the first being how much he had become an essential part of your daily life. It was strange not to talk to him anymore, there was a kind of mourning inside you when you were seeing him, as if he was the ghost of a loved one.

Then, you got a letter from one of your roommates. Because apparently, Mr. Vanrouge didn't have the guts to give it in person.

You've never read such a letter from Lilia before. It was short, to the point and didn't even have a cheap joke as usual. It was for the better, you couldn't bear it if he had acted like nothing happened.

He didn't look up at you when you came to sit in front of him. You waited for him to make the first move.

« Look, I think you're aware that my appearance doesn't match my real age. This kind of advantage is not without a price, I have loved and suffered a lot because no matter what I do ,the end remains the same. Even today, in my darkest moments, I wonder if love is worth if, in the end, I find myself carrying such pain. Some of my loved ones have told me that when they find themselves on the brink of the grave, no matter how much pain our relationship has brought them, they will have no regrets. And it is to honour the memory of those people whose voices I have forgotten that I come to talk to you. What we have between us at the moment may just be a passing infatuation, but I know too well where it's going to lead us. That’s why before we go too far, I need to see your point of view on love. For me, love isn't easy, it's not constant happiness that solves all your problems. It's a complex thing that can pull you down as well as up… I’ve been a bit dramatic on the edges but you need to understand that even if loads of relationships don’t last till the end of a life, ours is bound to be harder. »

You were puzzled. This Lilia was different from the one you learned to know, he was dead serious and his saddened look made you feel a little bit ashamed that you didn’t think about how he felt.

« As you said, loads of relationships don’t last till the end and it’s fine. We don’t need to rush things and we don’t need to think about our future for now. It sounds reckless but to answer what you said : yes, it is worth it. »

You never thought you'd start your relationship with Lilia this way but, oh well here you go.

Everything was the same as before but better. He still appeared where you least expected it but now he hugged you from behind which almost gave you a heart attack multiple times.

Lilia loves passionately. He gives without expecting anything in return and has no reserve with his feelings. He is candid, not hesitating to say what is wrong as well as what is right.

It’s hard to be bored with him. He has always an idea to entertain you or something to tell.

He's quite reserved when it comes to kissing, it's a little dated but for him it's more decent to do it within four walls.

But once in private, that's a different story.

His lips would run through yours, he would take the lead and hold you close to him, it's impossible not to be out of breath after his kisses.

There's a melancholy running through you that you can't explain when he embraces you. It makes you feel small in the face of Lilia's longevity. You can almost feel the dust of those former loves on your fingertips, and one day you’ll be one of them. And Lilia will remember you, because there are some things you can’t forget entirely.

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

Hello yes I love the Sparation AU but I also need these two boys to be reunited please and thank you.

This is my take on how Impulse and Skizzleman might be reunited in the Separation AU! Doesn’t have to be canon to the AU, we just have to see these guys finally happy again :)

That being said, I am super proud of the way this turned out :D

…

  Impulse follows Xisuma and the small group of Hermits through the specially generated portal, his heart pounding in his chest and sweat dripping down his back. This is the first time EVER that easy inter-server travel has been possible, but Impulse isn’t nervous about it possibly going wrong. He’s nervous about their intended destination.

  The Hermits arrive on the Legacy server and are immediately greeted by a small group of Legates, led by Logicalgeekboy. “Hi, Xisuma!” he says warmly. “Hey, everybody. Welcome to Legacy.” 

  As the groups exchange pleasantries, Impulse wanders off through the nearby village, his eyes searching for one person. He didn’t see the person in the crowd at the portal, so he knows he must be somewhere here. 

  Sure enough, he happens to glance upwards and catch sight of a figure emerging from a small cave just above him. 

  His heart stops. 

  Skizzleman starts coming down the hill before he looks up and spots someone he never thought he would ever see again.

  For what feels like hours, Impulse and Skizzleman stare at each other, frozen. 

  Then a pale smile breaks out on Impulse’s face. “Oh my god… Skizz…”

  “I-Impulse…?!” Skizzleman slowly approaches him, but stops a safe distance away, not quite able to believe his eyes. “Is it really you? H-How did you get here?”

  “I came over with some of the Hermitcraft people. Some kind of experimental inter-server travel portal thingy brought us over. Everyone else is at spawn but I… I just wanted to come and see you.”

  “Hermitcraft?”

  Impulse nods. “When I disappeared from our world, it was because I was being summoned to Hermitcraft. I’m a Hermit.” 

  “You’ve been on Hermitcraft this whole time?” Skizzleman stares at him. “And you never thought to come back?”

  “Of course I did!” Impulse’s voice rises. “I worked for WEEKS to find a way to go back to you! But I couldn’t. All of Xisuma’s admin powers had been spent bringing me to the server and there was no way he could either bring you there or send me back.”

  “Even if he could have sent you back, would you have asked him to?” Skizzleman challenges. 

  “Wh-What do you mean?”

  “I mean you were finally on a server with a load of amazing, talented people! Why would you want to come back to our crappy little world with one idiot who causes more problems than he solves?”

  Impulse stares at his best friend in shock. “Skizz, don’t say that! Given the choice, I would’ve come back to you!”

  “Why, because I had nobody else?” snaps Skizzleman.

  “No, because you were my brother and I loved you. I still do. It… It tears me up inside when I think about the horrible stuff I put you through.”

  Skizzleman hesitates, seeing the guilt-ridden look on Impulse’s face. “Yeah, I bet. You never had a bad bone in your body. I can just picture you crying yourself to sleep at night cuz I wasn’t there to tuck you in.”

  “Hey…!” Impulse complains mildly. “You stopped tucking me in years before I disappeared, pal.”

  Skizzleman laughs softly, which makes Impulse smile. He hasn’t heard that laugh in so long. 

  “Skizz, what happened to you after I left?” he asks quietly. “How did you end up in Legacy?”

  After a moment, Skizzleman lets out a long breath. “I moved away from our house after about a week. You were everywhere there, from the crops you planted to the whole building itself. I built a little shack next to the spot you vanished from but I moved from there as well after less than a month. It just became way too painful. I packed up all my stuff and just wandered around for a while until I got to a village. I ended up just settling down there. I know I used to make fun of villagers and call them dumb but… I dunno, I felt a lot less lonely living with them.”

  “Did you stay there permanently?” asks Impulse.

  Skizzleman nods. “I stayed there until the world corrupted and I got flung into the void.”

  Impulse winces, unable and unwilling to imagine how painful and terrifying that must have been. 

  “I dunno how long I was in there for. Time passes differently in the void. It might’ve been a couple hours or a couple months, I really don’t know. Eventually, I was pulled out by Logic, who took me to the brand new Legacy world. But you know, six years communicating with nobody except villages who don’t have a lot of vocal talent… took a real toll on me. I couldn’t speak properly anymore; I just kept making noises and offering people emeralds. I still remember how confused I was to see Pearl’s expression the first time I tried to give her an emerald because she welcomed me to the server.”

  As Impulse stifles a laugh, he’s relieved to see Skizzleman chuckling too. “I can picture that, honestly.”

  “Well, what did you expect?” says Skizzleman amusedly. “That was all I could remember how to do; my social skills had been completely destroyed by my isolation. Even now, I’m not as chatty and carefree in social interaction as I used to be.”

  Impulse’s smile falls. “I can’t imagine spending all that time in a world with nobody else around. I remember starting to feel a little daffy myself in that world after a long time, and there were TWO of us there.”

  “Yeah…” Skizzleman hesitates. “Honestly, though, the worst part was the trauma left over from losing you. I had so many panic attacks in the first few months, whenever I got reminded of you. It slowly got better after a long while but after I joined Legacy, it got so much worse again. Everything my new friends did reminded me of you, from their building styles to just the way they laughed when I attempted a joke. The first few weeks were absolute torture. I couldn’t sleep because I got nightmares, I couldn’t eat because I had no appetite, I couldn’t build because everything I saw reminded me of you. Then about two months after I joined Legacy, I… I had a complete breakdown.”

  A lump rises in Impulse’s throat. “What happened…?”

  Skizzleman’s eyes glass over at the painful memory. “We… um… A few of us decided to do some PVP. I was starting to feel better so I decided to join in. It was me and Pearl vs Logic and Sausage. Any weapons allowed. I thought I would be okay, and I totally would have been. I just didn’t realise that Logical had spectral arrows.”

  As Skizzleman pauses, Impulse abruptly realises exactly what happened. “Oh no…”

  “Yeah. When I saw Pearl glowing just like you did before you vanished, I completely broke down, right in front of her, Logic, and Sausage. It was easily the worst panic attack I’d ever had; I was so gripped with panic that I was about to lose her the way I lost you. Logic told me later that he was terrified for me; he thought I was gonna die. And so did I, honestly.”

  “Oh my god, Skizz, I…” Impulse trails off. How is he supposed to finish that sentence? What can he possibly say to make this better? “I… I’m so sorry… This is all my fault…”

  “Impulse, I need you to know that I don’t resent you for having a good life on Hermitcraft,” says Skizzleman gently. “I spent a lot of time grieving for you but I really am glad you’ve got this great new life. The Hermits have given you the life we could never have back in our world, and I’m starting to get the same here on Legacy. So much has changed since you disappeared.” 

  Impulse can’t quite hold in a sniffle. “We’re not the same people we were all those years ago, are we?” 

  Skizzleman slowly shakes his head. “No, we’re not. What I went through in that world after you disappeared… will stay with me forever. Six years alone with nobody but the villagers to talk to did some real damage to my mental state. It’s only because of the other Legates and their patience and compassion for me that I’ve been able to start healing and get somewhat back to normal.”

  He pauses. “I guess the best way to sum it up is we both started in the same place but you continued to grow, whereas I got worse and had to get back to normal before I can actually get better. I’m still in the middle of the recovery process.”

  “I want to be part of your recovery,” says Impulse quietly, taking his best friend’s hand. “I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me most, but I can be here for you now. If… If you want me.”

  As he says that, he winces internally. Why would Skizzleman want him around? He is the cause of all Skizzleman’s current problems. Surely his presence would be far more of a hindrance than a help. He’s survived six years without Impulse; does he really want him around now?

  After a moment, Skizzleman’s eyes fill with tears and he nods. “Of course I want you around. You’re still my best friend and my brother, and we’ve got seven years of lost time to make up for.”

  Impulse can’t hold back the tears anymore. He grabs Skizzleman in a hug, burying his face in his best friend’s shoulder. Skizzleman hugs him back, clutching his best friend like his life depends on it. He can hardly remember the last time he hugged anyone like this, much less his oldest friend. Seven years of pain and separation seems to melt away as they relax in each other’s presence. 

  “Missed you, Dippledop,” Skizzleman whispers. 

  Impulse gives a wet laugh. He hasn’t heard that nickname in seven whole years. It’s music to his ears. 

  “I missed you too, Skizz.”

[inomios]

Beauty Behind the Madness || levi ackerman x reader (TEASER)

Summary: “You knew that under all of his layers of grief and rage there was something worth loving; he knew that under your easy smiles and sweet words there was something dark lurking. He wanted all of you and you wanted all of him.”

Genre: Fluff, Angst, this teaser is mainly angst

Author’s note: This should have been published today, but my latin teacher decided to schedule a big exam this last Wednesday, and I had to study non-stop for it, making me fall behind with my publishing plans. I have rescheduled the publication of ‘Beauty Behind the Madness’ for this Tuesday 23th. In the meantime, enjoy this little teaser.

                                                          . . .

1. REAL LIFE

He had carved on his soul, heart and mind the words that Kenny had once told him, back when he was a scared and weak kid under his wing in the Underground, back when Kenny had caught him crying in the dead of night over his mother.

‘Boy, you won’t survive a day with that attitude. Your mother was a whore and now she’s a dead whore, get over it. You don’t have time to mop over her, crying is for people who have nothing more important to worry about.’

Kenny, for better or for worse, had taught him many lessons that became the key to his survival, advices he would never forget, and this was one of them: ‘Grieving is a waste of time.’

Every second he cried over his mother was time he could have spent granting his sorrowful existence. He couldn’t let his grief control him, because missing his mother wouldn’t make him last another day, she couldn’t protect him now that she was gone. So, for better or for worse, he let his sadness and rage aside and started focusing on what was important: survival.

Grief is a tricky feeling, it makes you think you can control it, while it just keeps bottling up until it explodes, and you better be ready for when that happens, because you may not be able to fix the mess it’s going to leave behind.

Levi thought he had masqueraded his feelings pretty well, he tried to shrug everything off, as if nothing mattered to him, but it did, and Kenny knew it and he loved to tease him about it, he loved to press his buttons, Levi had learned that pretty soon in the relationship, but he was trying to handle his feelings, he wanted to prove Kenny he was worthy of his time, that he was strong, that he wasn’t weak, not anymore. So, whenever Kenny tried to get a reaction out of him, he kept his mouth shut, but he couldn’t water down the fire in his grey eyes and Kenny could see it, he always could.

‘You are as worthless as your mother, maybe I should leave you in a brothel too, then you would be useful for something.’

A loud howling laughter.

Levi’s brow twitched.

‘Did your mom have time to teach you how to read or was she too busy fucking half the Underground?’

Kenny thought he had said something hilarious. He bent over his back.

Levi had a little knife clutched in his hand. He was starting to see red.

‘You’re as worthless as your mother.’

Kenny was pushing him to his limits.

Levi had already passed them.

He liked to think that there was a dark abyss inside of him, a bottomless place where he could hide all his emotions and thoughts, they were useless, so he ignored them, kept them away, far from the surface. Levi thought that he could detach from his pain, but it was a part of him, and when you stare into the abyss for too long, the abyss stares back at you. The Levi who grieved was still there, looking at him, the Levi who felt too much but said nothing wanted to get out, so he did, he escaped from the abyss and took control.

He run towards Kenny, eyes gleaming with unshed tears, knife in his hand, aiming for his heart, but Kenny was faster, quicker on his feet, he moved just in time. However, Levi still managed to scratch his shoulder, he teared his shirt and he could see the blood running, tainting the white fabric.

Kenny got mad. Levi had never seen him that furious. He grabbed his scrawny body and gave him the beating of his life. When he ended, Levi couldn’t even move, he was lying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood.

‘Listen kid, I don’t give a fuck about your shitty problems. You think you’re special? Guess what, you are a piece of shit, just like everyone else. Everyone here has issues, solve them or do whatever you want to do with them, but don’t you ever dare to pull a stunt like that again, because I’ll will leave you to die here, boy.’

That was the second lesson Kenny had told him: ‘Control is vital.’

He thought that by ignoring his feelings was controlling them, but he was wrong, he realized that when those bottled emotions caused him to be bed ridden a few days.

Instead, he decided to let his feelings out in really calculated moments, he started to canalize all his rage into more productive stuff, like cleaning. He liked to think that by cleaning he had control over something, there was something cathartic to him in scrubbing floors, doing the laundry, and mopping floors. It was the Underground, it was filthy no matter how much effort he put into it, but it gave him something he could focus on, something he could use to let his frustrations out.

So, he cleaned, for his mother who deserved a better live.

For the innocent child that he once was, who had been stripped from everything he loved.

For Kenny, who he despised and was cruel and ruthless.

For all the things he had to do to survive.

He cleaned and cleaned, and he never had an outburst again. He was in control.

Looking back, he is sure that part of Kenny’s fury that day was because a kid made him bleed. You see, Kenny liked to think of himself as some kind of god, a ruler, someone who could control everybody, someone who was holding your fate between his calloused hands. And when he hurt Kenny, both of them realized two things: ‘Gods bleed to.’

Levi learnt his third lesson that day. No one could control him, the same way he couldn’t control anyone. You are the one who makes the decisions, just be sure to choose one you won’t regret. Kenny had no power over him, he wasn’t a god and if he was, Levi wouldn’t bow down to him.

Kenny learnt that Levi, that child, had a fire within he couldn’t tame, Levi wasn’t going to be a submissive, brainless follower. He had potential, he had willpower, he didn’t really need him, but the boy didn’t know it yet. So, when the moment came, he left. He had grown to care about his nephew, at least a little, but Levi was a survivor and Kenny knew he would fight with teeth and claws until the very end. Therefore, Kenny left him with the only person who could protect him: Levi himself.

When Kenny left him at his own, alone again in the Underground, he learnt his fourth lesson: ‘Love is a risk he wasn’t going to take again.’

  2. LOSERS

Stupid is next to ‘I love you.’ He was pretty fucking sure of that.

He made a bow to himself: he wasn’t going to love anyone ever again, people are bound to leave, and whenever they left, they took away a part of him, and he was already to broken for that. However, life happens, and it turns everything upside down, it doesn’t ask for consent, so his plan of never loving again was ruined sooner than he would’ve liked.

Furlan came first. He wasn’t looking for a companion, at all. A companion meant more people to care about, a distraction, and he didn’t need any of that. However, Furlan managed to convince him that he could be useful to him. Whenever he looks back, he thinks that both of them knew that Levi didn’t need anyone, he could survive on his own, he was tougher than anyone else in the Underground, but he was alone, so alone, and a part of him yearned so much for someone that he let Furlan come with him.  

Their relationship was weird at first, not sure where the boundaries of the other laid, what they could do or don’t. Furlan didn’t want to overstep and piss off Levi and Levi didn’t want to overshare with him, he didn’t want to show him his weaknesses, but at the same time he wanted to spend time with him. He remembers that there were moments when Levi desired to say something, talk about pointless stuff, but he never did, after Kenny he was so deprived of human contact that he even thought that he had lost his voice. However, as time passed them by, they fell into some kind of easy routine, boundaries came clearer. Furlan started to get Levi, how he would never start a conversation no matter how bad he wanted, how his mind was always plotting something, how he always had an ace upon his sleeve… Furlan grew fond on him, he knew that there was a lot Levi wasn’t telling him, but from time to time he got to see a glimpse of the man he was under his façade and layers of secrets, and he wanted to learn about him, he wanted to be his friend, he wanted to have someone to help and he wanted someone to take care of him, he wanted to stay. On the other hand, Levi liked how Furlan seemed to know when he could talk and joke around and when he had to stay silent, it was like he understood him, Furlan was prudent and chill, thinking before acting, and he knew when to fight and when to give up. Levi started to care about him, a lot, and against his better judgement, he just hoped he wouldn’t regret his choice.

Then, Isabel appeared on scene. Levi was happy enough with Furlan, he didn’t need someone else to worry about, that was more trouble, more chances to get hurt. However, he soon found he had a soft spot for the girl. She was so energetic, so bubbly, eyes always gleaming with hope, she was a ray of light in the darkest place. She was messy, reckless and wild, she balanced them out. When she asked to join them, Levi wanted to let out one of his characteristic ‘Tch’ and turn his back on her, there was no room for compassion in the Underground, but he couldn’t, he was weaker than he thought. He couldn’t leave her at her own, knowing she could get herself killed, he didn’t want to be like Kenny, he wasn’t going to be like him.

The three of them became a gang, well, not just a gang, a family too. They looked after each other, they looked after Levi, just like his mother did. They were the best criminals in the underground, and sometimes Levi felt like a god with the world at his feet. He shouldn’t have forgotten his third lesson: ‘Gods bleed too.’ He thought they were invincible, they weren’t, they were no gods, life wouldn’t bend at their will.

When Isabel and Furlan died, he didn’t even have proper bodies to bury, he just did two little makeshift graves and carved their name on the gray stone. He was the only person who would remember them, so he visits them at least once a week, mainly during his sleepless nights, when no one would ever question or notice his absence. Talking with them was the only reason why hadn’t given up a long time ago, he was their leader, he told them to always keep going, to never back down.

So, he kept going, for his mother, for Isabel and for Furlan. For the only people who ever loved him.

Maybe he didn’t really keep going, maybe he just let life pass, what mattered was that he was alive and fighting for a purpose, he owed them that, their deaths wouldn’t be in vain.

Why did he always have to lose everything?

Why there was nothing good in store for him?

He was bound to lose to lose everything.

Stupid is next to I love you.

He was so fucking foolish.

[jalapeno-princess]

What if I Never Get Over You?

(He’s so pretty ugh God really does have his favorites)

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst (A lot of curse words) (Angry Mark) (God bless)

Word Count: 8.9K

Summary: Mark was just seconds away from falling asleep after a long, exhausting day of work until Jackson comes over to his place, angry with the fact that Mark has been avoiding all of their many attempts to get him to move on. However, Mark has come to the realization even in the beginning of your break up that there is simply no getting over you.

A/N: Hey guys! So, this imagine is based off of the song “What if I never get over you” by Lady A and honestly it is one of my favorite songs ever and I’ve been listening to it on repeat for the last couple of weeks so I highly recommend that you listen to it while reading the lyrics hit me so hard for someone who has never been in a relationship once in the 22 years of my existence and I just found myself unable to stop typing this specific story. I’m currently in the middle of finals so I will be able to focus more on writing (If I’m being honest, I focus more on writing than I do on my education who am I even kidding LOL). This one is a little more on the sad side but the ending (I don’t know how I feel about it) but I consider it happy I guess? Please enjoy!

It's supposed to hurt, it's a broken heart But to movin' on is the hardest part It comes in waves, the letting go But the memory fades, everybody knows Everybody knows

What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye? And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you?

“Mark Yi-En Tuan—open the damn door. I have a bone to pick with you.” 

The word exhaustion couldn’t even describe half of what Mark was currently feeling. He had just finished work less than half an hour ago and against his friend’s pleas to grab a drink with them at the bar they normally frequented, he made a beeline back to his apartment. All he wanted to do was change out of his scrubs and sleep for the next twelve hours. 

Being a registered nurse was actually the last occupation Mark would’ve thought he’d ever get in to. As a young boy, all the way up until his senior year in high school, he never cared about anything other than playing baseball, video games, hanging out with his friends and eating junk food. He desired to “live in the moment” as much as he possibly could while he was still young and he decided he would worry about his future once he graduated from high school. Even when he did move on to college, he had no idea what his plans were. 

Like a lot of his friends, he was attending university in order to please his parents and to get a degree. In what—he didn’t care. Honestly, he thought about studying many different majors—engineering, kinesiology, biology, criminal justice and at one point—culinary. But he could never see himself settling in to any of those careers. His younger brother Joey knew that he wanted to be a pharmacist and unlike Mark; his soul purpose was to be successful in his education. 

At the time, Mark considered the younger boy to be a loser. He wasn’t living his high school life to his fullest potential—or at least that’s what Mark thought. On the day of his graduation, his principal began announcing each and every one of his classmates; what college they were attending, whether or not they received any honors and what they planned on majoring in. When it was his turn and the principal called his name, he was excited to finally be over with that chapter in his life. 

He expected to take the diploma and walk back to the bleachers like everyone else was. However, he felt exceptionally stupid when it was made aware that he had no idea what he was going to do after high school. Even his good friend BamBam—the class clown and the student with the lowest gpa in his graduating class had plans to go to college and major in hospitality. It made him feel pathetic and although the audience clapped right after he shook hands with his principal, he couldn’t help but feel as though some people were probably laughing at him. 

Hell, if he were to be sitting in the crowd and someone were to be in the same situation he was in, he would’ve laughed too. How could someone who was eighteen years old have no clue what he wanted to do for the rest of his life? That made him realize that Joey wasn’t the loser—Joey was extremely intelligent and planned for his future before he even realized what a future was. He was also the reason why Mark ended up going in to the medical field seeing as how his goal was to become a pharmacist and open up his own pharmacy one day. 

The younger boy; along with his parents and his friend Jinyoung coerced him in to attending med school because they witnessed how much of a people person Mark was and they felt like he would be very successful in whatever career he were to obtain. It wasn’t an easy road to success—in fact, he found himself wanting to give up more times than he could count on his fingers. 

College was already frustrating as it is, but majoring in nursing was one of the more difficult fields and a lot of the students who started off in nursing did not end up graduating with a nursing degree. Mark had no idea how he ended up getting his bachelor’s—let alone his master’s degree; especially because he felt there were so many students who were smarter than him and had more knowledge than him when it came to nursing who ended up getting kicked out of the program. 

Whenever he felt like giving up; when the multiple all-nighters he would pull in order to study for exams that he never seemed to be able to pass no matter how hard he tried, or the numerous amount of nights he found himself crying because he was afraid he wouldn’t make it and become the successful nurse everyone was expecting him to be—he remembered why he was going through all of that pain and suffering in the first place and it only gave him the motivation to continue until he finally achieved his goal. 

It took him almost six years, but it was worth it. He loved his job; although it could get very hectic almost every single day, he would get yelled at by patients for things out of his control, he got thrown up on, urinated on and even had families of patients threaten to get him fired, he also witnessed many miracles throughout the walls of the hospital and he got to meet a lot of people who would change his life. One person in particular that was the sole reason why his younger friend was currently pounding on his door—wanting to reprimand him for something he did a few days prior. 

Mark sat on his couch and weighed out his options; he could just let Jackson continue knocking on his door until he either got tired or came to the realization that there was a chance Mark was fast asleep by now. As good as that idea sounded, he was afraid that he would get noise complaints from his neighbors and the last thing he needed was to get evicted from his apartment over a ruckus he wasn’t even causing. 

Mark took in a deep breath and prepared himself for any confrontation Jackson might let out. He was expecting his rowdy and extroverted friend to bother him sooner, but then again —it’s not like Mark ever really hung out with his group of friends all that much in the last few months. If only he could say it was strictly because his job was working him to the core and making him exceedingly tired; if only it were that simple. 

He took a look in the peephole; curious as to whether or not Jackson was alone and if there was a chance he was drunk. The older boy released a sigh of relief when he saw Jinyoung and Yugyeom with him—he knew they would probably act as the mediators of Jackson went too far and said something to infuriate Mark. 

It’s happened many times in the past; Jackson Wang—bless his soul; but he had to be one of the most attention seeking and loud mouthed people that Mark knew. He also had no filter and said things like they were; he wasn’t afraid of hurting people’s feelings. Especially if those people just so happened to be his six good friends. As soon as he opened the door and saw the aggravated look on Jackson’s face, he had to stop himself from slamming the door and heading back to his room. 

“It’s almost midnight. I’m so fucking tired Jackson, this couldn’t have waited till the morning? Or at least an hour where I’m not drained of all my energy and won’t be able to fight back if the situation called for it?” 

Jackson ignored his comment and walked right past him—plopping himself on to Mark’s couch. The two other boys gave Mark apologetic expressions; it was obvious that they felt bad for bothering him at such a late hour—especially seeing that Mark was ready to knock out at any second. 

Neither of them wanted to be there, but when Jackson gets drunk—which he was currently plastered at the moment; heightening his confidence that Mark was quickly growing irritated with, he has a tendency of admitting things he would never say when sober and because their conversation at dinner consisted of Mark and his personal life, the five other guys knew leaving Jackson alone with Mark was not the best idea. 

One of them would end up with a black eye and a busted lip and there was a ninety-five percent chance that it would be Jackson. Mark was never a physical person; he never believed in violence and he tried his best to solve problems verbally before having to get physical. He’s been best friends with Jackson for almost sixteen years now—this meant that he was extremely comfortable with putting the younger boy in his place if he had to. 

There were only a couple times that Jackson and Mark either disagreed or actually fought over something and it was usually Jackson who’d instigate a lot of their quarrels. One time, Jackson said something that really got under Mark’s skin and he ended up with a busted lip. It wasn’t like the two of them stayed mad at each other for too long though; all it took was a few apologies, a couple of beers and some takeout that would get the both of them back on speaking terms. 

Jinyoung and Yugyeom weren’t too sure about what would happen between their two oldest friends tonight. Jackson was furious with Mark—he went in to great detail about how he was going to give him “a piece of his mind.” They didn’t completely agree with the points that Jackson made; especially because Mark was old enough to make his own decisions and nobody, not even his really good friend could tell him how to live his life. 

“Why did you tell Sophia that you weren’t interested in a long-term relationship? She called me crying this morning saying that you no longer were interested in her—“ 

Mark rolled his eyes at Jackson’s complaints. He knew he would get an earful sooner or later about how he’s been avoiding Jackson’s and even the rest of their friend group’s many attempts at trying to set Mark up with someone they knew—whether it was a coworker or a mutual friend. A couple of weeks ago, Jackson introduced Mark to a friend of his girlfriend. 

He wasn’t going to lie, Sophia was very pretty; she was also very smart—had a bachelor’s degree in family law and she was still in school trying to get her master’s. However, Mark wasn’t interested in her—or any of the girls that the rest of his friends tried to get him to go out with. He understood that his friends were only trying to help him “get back in to the game” or whatever BamBam said—but the eldest boy did not want anything to do romantically with anyone his friends were trying to set him up with. 

“Because I’m not. I was never interested in her to begin with. I was just going on these dates with her to get you off my back. She’s a nice girl; all the girls you guys tried to introduce me to are nice girls—but I don’t want a relationship right now Jackson nor do I even have the time to focus on another person, I barely have time to take care of myself. I know you guys are worried about me, but I’m fine. I’m twenty-seven years old; sure I’m not as young as I used to be, but settling down in to a relationship is the least of my worries. If you’re just bothered by the fact that I’m the only single guy in the group and you pity watching me sit by myself while you’re all accompanied by your girlfriends, I just won’t go out with you guys anymore.” 

When Jackson let out a scoff, the two younger boys looked at each other cautiously. Shit was going to hit the fan soon and they were afraid if they didn’t leave within the next five minutes, punches were going to be thrown. They also grew worried that if both Mark and Jackson were to argue, especially over the topic of Mark’s love life, that it might actually ruin their friendship with no promise of reconciliation. 

“Stop giving me that shit Mark. It’s not because you’re busy—you’re still hung up over y/n! That’s why you’ve been pushing away everyone from your life and I’m sick of it! It’s been almost seven months Mark, you need to move on. She obviously isn’t coming back. If she genuinely still loved you, she would have never left in the first place. Stop trying to look for y/n in other girls and stop letting another chance at being in love again slip through your fingers because you have this stupid hope that one day, she’ll realize that she made a mistake in breaking up with you—“

“Jackson, shut up—“

“For all you know, she’s already moved on—“

“Jackson, if you know what’s best for you, you would shut up—“

“Maybe the reason why she left is because she found someone else—someone who would give her the love and attention you failed to give her towards the end of your relationship and that idea alone is what’s messing with your head. Thinking about her loving someone else, finding solace in someone else, fucking another man—“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP JACKSON. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT. YES, I STILL LOVE Y/N. I’M ALWAYS GOING TO LOVE Y/N—IT’S ALWAYS GOING TO BE Y/N. I HAD THE FUCKING RING AND EVERYTHING SO DON’T YOU THINK FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND THAT I’M EVER GOING TO MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE. I TOLD YOU ALL AFTER THE SECOND FAILED DATE YOUNGJAE TRIED TO SET ME UP ON THAT I HAD NO INTEREST IN CONTINUING THESE BLIND DATES. I DON’T NEED ANYONE’S HELP IN FINDING ME A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO BE IN ONE AT ALL IF IT’S NOT WITH HER. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD.” 

Once those last few words fell out of Mark’s mouth, the entire room fell quiet. Yugyeom and Jinyoung were stunned—Mark was a very soft-spoken and timid individual. Most people who were newly introduced to him could get a couple of words out of him if they were lucky. A lot of his patients at the hospital could go on and on in conversation and he would simply just him or nod his head as a way to communicate with them. 

However, whenever it came to his friends and family, the eldest boy could talk up a storm. Mark was a very kind-hearted person; he was known for having a lot of patience and understanding—but he also had a huge temper. It took a lot for something or someone to piss him off; especially because he didn’t want anyone to look at him in a negative light. Normally, he could keep his ill-feelings at bay, but there were a few occasions where he allowed himself to yell or grunt in frustration. 

Your relationship was a very touchy subject. Sure, it’s been over half a year since that night where you told Mark you no longer could handle being suffocated in your toxic relationship and usually most men were known to bounce back after a week. But Mark wasn’t like most men and you weren’t just any ordinary woman. You were the love of his life—his soulmate, his best friend, his person, the one he wanted to settle down, start a family and spend the rest of his life with. 

He was devastated when you told him you were leaving and he even tried his best in to getting you to change your mind. He made so many promises of bettering himself in order to be a boyfriend you were proud of. He repeatedly told you that he would be nothing without you and that he would do anything in his power to get you to change your mind, but it wasn’t enough. Mark was well aware that his job play a huge role in your breakup. 

Most of his time was spent at the hospital—but you were very considerate and understanding that his career was one of his main priorities other than his friends, his family and you. However, during the small amount of free time that he had, Mark had a tendency of spending that time either playing video games, going out to bars with his friends or playing with his dog Milo. As his girlfriend, you’ve witnessed how exhausted he could get from work; he was constantly on his feet for ten to twelve hours a day. 

It was only natural for him to want to relax and unwind doing the things he was interested in. You wanted to be there for your boyfriend in whatever way you could, but you also had your needs and desires—not necessarily sexual, but there was a point in your relationship where you went weeks and even months without being intimate with Mark because he was always so tired and never had the energy to love on your body in the ways that he used to. 

There was a time—a long amount of time in your relationship where the two of you could never keep your hands off of each other to the point where your friends would purposely have to sit between the two of you on nights you would all go out together in attempts to get the two of you to stop kissing or simply just showing any kind of affection towards one another. Unfortunately, towards the end of your relationship, you were only getting a peck on your lips if you were lucky. 

Your relationship no longer had the spark that would send flames to your entire body just being around him—you no longer felt butterflies in your tummy whenever you looked at him. Sometimes when you’d gaze at him, you felt as though you were looking at a stranger, not the man you spent four years of your life with. You never understood where it went wrong; it just felt like the love and adoration Mark had for you just stopped out of no where. 

He no longer called or texted you on his breaks to check up on you and see what you were doing, he stopped complimenting you on your outfits or if you did something new to your hair and the two of you could no longer hold a conversation for longer than five minutes without it feeling forced. You wanted to believe that he was just acting like this because work took up his entire being—physical and mental health. But he would go out with his friends right after a shift and sometimes he’d stay out for hours on end. It made you wonder if you were the problem. 

Maybe he stopped loving you or your relationship became a chore to him and was no longer a priority to him as it used to be. The constant need to be around each other, the comfort you felt from being wrapped in his arms and the happiness that came from just knowing that he was yours no longer existed. It disappeared completely along with any kind of feelings you harbored for him and you didn’t think there was anything that could bring it back. 

The thought of no longer having Mark in your life; no longer waking up to his devastatingly handsome face—no longer getting to kiss his pretty, pink lips, and no longer being the lucky person who got to love him—it slowly tore your heart apart, but what could you do? You felt as though the only reason why Mark continued to stay with you was because he grew comfortable with the routine in your relationship. Having to go out and start another relationship with someone new wasn’t something you even wanted to think about. 

Deep in your heart, even if the two of you were going through , Mark Tuan was the only person you saw yourself wanting to get married to. All you ever wanted and could ever need was Mark. He owned you entirely; your mind, your body, your heart and soul—it was all his and it would always be his. But you couldn’t continue going on like this. Your relationship was slowly tearing you apart; it was suffocating you to the point where you felt as though you were going crazy. 

Every now and then, you’d find yourself going back to that fateful night where you told him you were leaving. It took you weeks to come to that decision; hell, even months really. Every time you built the courage to finally give up on Mark entirely, you’d look at him as the two of you were lying down in bed and time to time, you would cry. He seemed an entire world away even if the two of you were just inches apart. 

He might have been in the bed with you—but it genuinely felt like the bed was so spacious and empty. However, as you would gaze at him while he slept soundly, there was a little voice in your head begging you to wait a little longer. Something told you that things were going to get better and your life would turn out miserable if you were to break up with him. 

You prayed and prayed that the voice was telling the truth; you wanted your relationship to work so badly. He might not have been giving you much attention these days or treating you the way he used to, but you would rather continue to stay with him and try your best to fix your crumbling relationship than to be happy with anyone else. When he saw your luggage lined up at the door he didn’t even flinch. It’s as if he knew this was coming; and it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. 

That’s what hurt you the most; his blank expression only confirmed your worries—he no longer loved you or cared enough about you to even ask why your bags were packed or where you were going. He just simply stared at you for a couple of minutes before tilting his head in the direction of your bags. 

“Where are you going?” He didn’t seem the least bit bothered by the fact that you were seconds away from walking out of his life completely. 

“I’m leaving you.” 

The words were bitter on your tongue—there were a few times in your relationship where the two of you argued and it would end up with him sleeping outside on the couch—but that’s the worst it’s ever been. This was the first time you were actually throwing in the white flag; you were mentally exhausted. You refused to continue fighting for a relationship that was barely even existing anymore. If you were to continue putting your time and effort in to Mark knowing that he no longer did the same for you, you would probably develop some form of depression. You loved yourself too much to allow him to continue breaking your heart and taking advantage of your love. 

“Why?” You scoffed—he had to be joking right? Did he think that the two of you were okay? Was he fine with the fact that your relationship was no longer what it used to be? Did the lack of intimacy or time spent together not bother him at all—the way it was quickly ruining you? 

“You don’t love me anymore. I don’t know when you stopped—but all I know is that you did. Our relationship turned it to this toxic partnership. I don’t know what happened or what went wrong, but I’m so fucking unhappy Mark. I look at you and I don’t see the love of my life—I don’t see the aspiring nurse I met all those years ago who showed me and taught what love is. All I see when I look at you is a shell of the person you used to be. You’re like a stranger to me Mark and I hate—I fucking hate that things turned out like this and what’s killing me the most is that it doesn’t seem to bother you. You hardly make time for me—for us. It’s like you have to force yourself to genuinely enjoy being around me these days. Go look at your missed calls and all of your text messages. It’s all me. I’m practically begging for your attention and any kind of reaction out of you and nothing—literal nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore; I don’t want to leave Mark. I don’t want to be without you. But why should I continue putting in effort to a relationship that is just moments away from ending completely—“

“What makes you think that I no longer love you—wait—don’t answer that.” 

He took a deep breath in before walking towards you and doing the unexpected; he brought his hands up to cup your cheeks and gently placed his forehead against yours. This was the first time in such a long time that you were this close in proximity with him—having him hold you, touch you, looking at you in such an apologetic way; you honestly didn’t know how to feel. You wanted to be happy; anytime Mark would touch you, kiss you, hold your hand or your waist, wrap his arm around your shoulder—any form of intimacy with your boyfriend always made your heart flutter. Unfortunately, you felt nothing and it broke your heart. 

“I know, I haven’t been all that great these days, I’ve been a terrible boyfriend and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. I’m so fucking sorry baby—so fucking sorry. There’s no excuse—I can’t say it’s because of work or come up with any other logical reason. I guess I just got used to us doing our own things. I was content just having you around. I don’t know how I went so long with the distance—or being absent even if I’m physically there. I just—fuck, I know it sounds wrong but I just assumed because I plan on spending the rest of my life with you that a little bump in the road wasn’t going to do anything to hinder our relationship. If I knew that it was going to cause you to question the love I have for you and even get you to pack your bags with the intention of leaving me, I would have done something—“

“But you didn’t Mark. You knew something was wrong but you didn’t do anything about it. You just assumed that whatever we were going through was normal. News flash—it wasn’t. Our relationship is falling apart at the seams Mark. Did it not occur to you even once that the distance—the fact that we could no longer hold a decent conversation, that we haven’t had sex or been intimate in the last few weeks—it’s not normal? You obviously never put my feelings in to consideration. I’m dying Mark—mentally, you’re breaking my fucking heart.” 

You allowed yourself to take a quick breath; you could feel your tears continuously building up at the brim of your eyelids. As much as you didn’t want Mark to see you cry because you didn’t think he deserved it—it was too hard for you to keep your crying at bay.

“The love you have for me—that’s a joke right? You no longer love me. I don’t know what you think you feel for me but it’s definitely not love or at least it’s no longer love. If you still loved me, you would continue to show me and tell me like you never failed to do before. Showering me with your love, attention and care shouldn’t stop just because you have me—I don’t care if you’re used to our relationship or if you’ve grown comfortable where you don’t feel the need to contact me or check up on me—I don’t even care if I’m not your main priority. I’m completely understanding that your job takes up your time and energy, but I need you to know how shitty I feel every time I see you staying up to play video games or going out with your friends. I never wanted to be that girlfriend; I want you to be happy—your happiness is all that I care about, but it would be nice if I could be your happiness. Tell me Mark, when did you stop caring about me? When did you stop caring about my mood, my thoughts, how I was feeling, how the state of our relationship was? I can’t even remember what your lips feel or taste like, does it not bother you at all?” 

You saw him inch closer to you; you assumed he wanted to try and pull you back in to his embrace but you found yourself stepping back. When Mark saw you try to get away from him, that’s how he knew it was over. Once you were to get everything from off your chest, you were going to leave and there was nothing he could do about it. 

He could continue to persuade you to stay—he could promise you that he’d change and that your relationship would return back to what it used to be, but there was no use. Hearing to confess how lonely you felt; how heartbroken he made you and how you didn’t even feel like you were in a relationship with him at all shook him to the core—he knew you were leaving, no matter how hard he’d try to get you to change your mind. You were the kind of person that when you set your heart to something, it would always prevail. A break up was no different. 

“Y/n, please. I can’t—I can’t do this without you. I need you. I’m nothing without you. If I lose you, God I don’t think I’ll ever love again. You’re it for me baby, I mean that. You’re all I could ever want and need for the rest of my life. I’ll do better, I’ll be a better boyfriend—I’ll make up for all the lost time and I promise you, we’ll be okay again. Please baby, find it in your heart to forgive me. Everybody makes mistakes, we’re only human—“ 

As soon as he felt your dainty fingertips cup his cheek ever so gently before you placed a kiss against the corner of his mouth, it felt as though his soul left his body. You didn’t have to say anything; your actions spoke volumes for you. Your fingers were featherlight on his skin; it took every bone in his body not you pull you closer to him and hold you as tightly as physically possible. He didn’t know he was able to actually feel his heartbreak. Whenever someone would describe suffering from a broken heart, he thought they would be hurting mentally, psychologically or spiritually but right now, he could feel his heart crying—begging for you to give him one more chance. 

“Y/n—please—“ 

You could have sworn your heart sank to your stomach once you heard his voice crack. Your bags were already packed and you made the decision to finally leave months ago, why were you suddenly regretting your decision? You mentally prepared yourself for this reaction although you’d be lying if you said you expected him to break down and beg you not to leave like he currently was right now. If anything, you expected complete silence—with the way he’s been acting in the last few weeks, you just assumed he no longer cared about your presence or being in a relationship with you. To see him on his knees crying and begging for you to change your mind—you wanted to just say fuck it and pull him in to your embrace. 

He was trying—he promised he would change and do better; you wished his words could be enough for you. There were so many doubts in your mind telling you that he was all talk. That—he would try and put more time and effort in to your relationship, but it wouldn’t last long. He would get tired of having to prioritize you—tired of having to please you. You couldn’t put yourself through all that unnecessary pain again—the pain of not feeling good enough for him to want to spend and make time for you. 

You couldn’t force him to love you the way he used to—you loved Mark, God, did you love Mark. Honestly, you would do anything to make him happy; you would sacrifice your own happiness to make sure he was always smiling and thriving. But during the distance, since you didn’t feel like you had a boyfriend to love, you began to fall in love with yourself. While you were losing Mark, you were finding yourself.

“I have to go Mark. One day, you’ll see why I made this decision—why I felt as if this was the only choice I had. I love you Mark. Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t think you will ever be able to fathom just how much I love you and how I would go to the ends of the earth just to make sure you’re well taken care of. Your happiness and well being is all I care about. You are all I care about—I just—I need time to heal. I need time to grow and to rediscover happiness. I need to learn to live without you. Who knows, maybe being apart will lead us to want to come together again. I love you and you love me—if it’s meant to be, we will find our way back to each other again. I’m really going to miss you. Please take care of yourself.” 

With one more kiss on his lips, you took your luggage and left. Mark couldn’t describe just how heartbroken, helpless and genuinely miserable he was now feeling. He wanted to run after you and yank your bags out of your hands—he knew he could try harder to get you to stay, but he didn’t want to make things worse. The first few weeks were the hardest; Mark felt as if he could die from a broken heart. He couldn’t eat—he had no appetite. 

His mind kept replaying the way you left so easily—taunting him like a bad dream. He felt like he was having a nightmare that reoccurred every single day. He couldn’t stop thinking about you—how you were going about the entire breakup, where you were staying, if you were suffering even half as much as he was or if you were regretting your decision even just a little. 

As the months went by, nothing changed—even if he tried his best to move on, he felt in his chest that there was no getting over you. He meant what he told you on your last night together, he was genuinely afraid that he would never be able to find closure nor would he ever be able to fall in love again. He didn’t want to be in love again if it meant with someone else. You owned Mark entirely; his mind, his body, his heart and his soul—they all belonged to you and they always would. 

Jinyoung and Yugyeom knew it would be best to get their older friend out of there before Jackson said even more things he probably shouldn’t or before Mark grew physical. 

“We should uh—we’ll get going here. Mark, man I’m genuinely sorry this happened tonight, we shouldn’t even have come here. I should have tried harder to stop him but you know how Jackson gets when he’s drunk. I’m really fucking sorry dude about everything. You know what Jackson said isn’t true and I’m sure he doesn’t even know what he said. He’ll probably wake up tomorrow morning completely brainless about everything—“ 

Mark gave Jinyoung a sad smile before pulling him in for a hug. If anyone understood what Mark was going through, it was Jinyoung. Mark wasn’t the type to tell people of his problems—no even the people closest to him. If something bad happened to him, he would suffer all by himself because he didn’t want other people to worry about him. 

However, Jinyoung was the only one Mark allowed to see him in such a vulnerable and fragile state. Sure, Jinyoung also tried to set him up with one of his friends, but that’s only because he wanted Mark to get another chance at love. He hated seeing Mark so sad—so dejected and moping around, living but not really existing. Although Jinyoung really liked you for his older friend and believed that the two of you were soulmates, he also believed that if you still wanted to be in a relationship with Mark, you would. 

No matter how hard relationships could be sometimes, you never give up on someone you picture spending the rest of your life with. If you genuinely love someone, you’re going to fight for them even if the battle can be too much to handle. He saw Mark through so many phases of depression and grief; he’d witness Mark finish bottles of wine in one sitting while crying at every single thing that reminded him of you. Unlike Jackson though, he wasn’t going to force Mark in a relationship if he didn’t want to be in one. He was a grown man—he could make his own decisions himself. The last thing he or anyone in his situation needed was for his friends to get involved in his personal life. 

“Jinyoung, do you think you could do me a favor? I um—I think I want to be alone for a couple of days. Do you mind telling the other guys to let me be for a little while? I just—tonight was too much for me. I don’t want to get angry with any one of you. I can’t say how long I plan on being away I just—I don’t need this right now.” 

There was so much Jinyoung wanted to say—he didn’t think it was a good idea for Mark to be alone and he wished Jackson just kept his mouth shut, but he also knew that nothing he could say would get Mark to change his mind. He nodded in agreement—not wanting to make the older boy even more upset before motioning for Yugyeom to pick up Jackson’s sleeping figure from the couch. 

“Promise me you will call me if and when you need me. Oh, and please look after yourself. If you’re not going to allow me to come and check up on you can you at least make sure you’re eating all your meals and getting enough sleep?”

“I promise. Let me know when you get home alright? Thank you Jinyoung, I really don’t know what I would do without you.” 

Mark didn’t know if he liked it better now that the three boys were gone. He might have been angry with Jackson’s obnoxious outburst, but now he was alone with the thought that you might be seeing someone else. You did mention that you would always love him; but if you missed him the way you claimed you would, wouldn’t you have come back running to him a long time ago? There might have been distance between the two of you while you were still together, but no longer being in a relationship was a extremely different scenario. 

At least while the two of you were still together, he knew you were his and that he could come home to you. But now, he didn’t know anything that was going on in your life. For all Mark knew, you could have moved to another state or even another country—and now Jackson’s words were messing with his mind. Were you seeing someone? Did you already move on to somebody else and if so, did you see a future with that person? Did your mind ever wander over to Mark and how he was doing? 

His skin began to crawl at the thought of you being intimate with someone else—he knew he had no right to, you were no longer his to get jealous over and he was the reason why you could now go out and start dating whoever you wanted. He wanted to scream—he was already doing so bad as it was, why did Jackson have to make him feel even more shittier than he currently was? 

He found himself looking through his cupboards for any kind of alcohol, he honestly didn’t care at this point. Mark was not a heavy drinker; he never understood why his friends enjoyed wasting their money on alcohol only to get drunk, not remember a single thing and wake up with an extremely painful hangover. He wanted to take his mind off of you and the only way he could do that was if he was inebriated. 

These last few months, his mind seemed to be filled with the thought of you every single day, but never did he feel like he wanted to stop thinking about you. Now that he knew there was a chance you had another man in your life, he wanted to completely rid you from his thoughts—at least for the time being. When he found a bottle of tequila way in the back of the cabinet, he released a frustrated sigh. Mark hated tequila—it had to be one of the worst kinds of alcohol there was. Not only did it taste nasty, but it felt even more horrible going down.

At this point, he didn’t care—it was all he had and he was going to take what he could get. He pulled off the cork and took a few big gulps. It made him gag a little—drinking straight from the bottle wasn’t something he was used to. Especially because tequila was meant to be either mixed or taken as shots, not to be consumed like it was water. He could feel tears building up at the brim of his eyes at how hard it was to drink it, but slowly and surely, he could feel himself getting lightheaded and moments away from completely being plastered. 

When his vision grew hazy and his movements slowed down, he decided he would make his way to his room with the intention of falling asleep. It took him a while to get up from the floor and he was grateful that Milo was fast asleep in his doggy bed. He loved his little puppy more than anything and for the last few months, Milo was his own personal therapist. He made Mark smile when Mark didn’t think he was capable of that motion anymore. 

However, he didn’t think he was in the right mind to take care of himself—let alone a dog. Walking in the direction of his room felt like such a hassle. What usually took him a good ten seconds felt like hours—his feet were heavy against the hardwood floor and finally, once he opened his door and flopped on top of his bed, he hummed in content. Luckily he was already changed in to his pajamas before the guys came over so he didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t realize just how much tequila he consumed; his eyelids felt heavy and he was dozing in and out of sleep. 

Right as he was about to completely enter dreamland, he felt something vibrate. The buzzing noise sounded so far away, even if he knew his phone was nearby. It was probably just Jinyoung telling him he was home now—it could wait until the morning. He continued to try and fall asleep; ignoring the constant buzzing that seemingly wouldn’t stop. With a grunt, he went on the search for his device, moving his hand all around the bed until he found it. He knew whoever was trying to get in touch with him didn’t seem like they were going to stop anytime soon, so he rubbed both his eyes in attempts to break him out of his exhausted and drunken haze before checking his notifications. 

Once he saw your name, he had to do a double take—there was no way you sent him a message, he had to be hallucinating. How high was the percentage of alcohol in the tequila? His mind was definitely playing tricks on him—or maybe he was actually asleep and it was his conscience coming up with what he wishes would happen? He abruptly sat up; causing him even more dizziness, but he had to make sure he was actually seeing what he thought he did. Seeing your name in his phone after seven months of not hearing you sent so many emotions and feelings to his chest and he felt overwhelmed. 

Was he happy? Sad? Angry that you took so long? Excited? He couldn’t help but feel as though something was wrong. Were you okay? Did something happen to you? Did you finally come to the realization that you missed him and that you were willing to give your relationship another chance? A part of him—probably the part that was still upset with you for breaking his heart told him to ignore the messages—he wanted to lie and say he didn’t care anymore and that he was genuinely going to do whatever he could to forget about you completely. But who was he kidding? There was no getting over you. Ever. His heart begged him to click on your contact and that’s exactly what he did.

Babe: Hey. 12:54 A.M.

He mentally cursed himself for not changing your name in his phone but he couldn’t find it in himself to do so. He didn’t have the right to call you any term of endearment anymore, but once he were to change your contact to your actual name, it cemented the idea that things were actually over and he wasn’t going to give up on you just yet. Until he were to find out you were seeing someone else or that you had no intentions on getting back with him ever again, he was going to continue holding on to that tiny string of hope that one day, you’d be back in his arms again.

Babe: I’m sorry it’s so late. I mean that in more ways than one. 12:54 A.M.

Babe: I—I honestly don’t know where to begin. Let me just start by saying I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Mark. And I miss you. I miss you so much. 12:56 A.M.

Babe: I know it’s been a while and I don’t know why I felt like I could just text you out of nowhere. I understand if you’ve moved on or if you want nothing to do with me anymore. 1:02 A.M.

Babe: I’m not going to lie and say that I made a mistake breaking up with you. I knew it’s what was best for the two of us at the time. But I will admit, I’ve thought about you every single day since I left. I’m sure you’re wondering what took me so long to come to the conclusion that I’m still so in love with you—which, I am by the way. I love you and I don’t think I ever really stopped. 1:05 A.M.

Babe: If you’re in a relationship or seeing someone else, please disregard all of these messages. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re taking good care of yourself. Well, Goodnight. 1:06 A.M.

Maybe months go by, maybe years from now And I meet someone and it's workin' out Every now and then, he can see right through 'Cause when I look at him Yeah, all I see is you

What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye? And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you? Ooh yeah What if I never get over? What if I never get closure? What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya? What if it never gets better? What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?

As soon as you sent the last text message, you allowed a couple of tears to fall but brought your hands up to your mouth in attempts to prevent yourself from sobbing. The last thing you needed was to wake up the man who was currently sleeping in bed right next to you. You felt as if you made a complete mistake trying to get in contact with Mark—you should have just left him alone. It was you who initiated the breakup in the first place. 

You’ve stayed away for seven months; what person in their right mind would respond to your messages and want to take you back with open arms? You had to be crazy to think Mark still wanted anything to do to you—he probably deleted your messages as soon as he received them and you couldn’t blame them. If the roles were reversed and he did to you what you did to him, you would have blocked his number entirely. You placed your phone back on the nightstand and turned over to look at Minho; releasing an exhausted sigh before gliding your finger along his cheek. 

Trying out a new relationship and seeing someone new sounded like a good idea in hind sight. He was a friend of a friend’s—your friends tried to set you up with so many different guys similarly to Mark and his group of friends. They hated seeing you so sad and heartbroken yet they didn’t understand why you were still so hung up over Mark when you were the one who decided to call it quits. Minho was very soft spoken and gentle; in a way, he resembled Mark and that’s why you felt you were attracted to him.

He was quite the gentleman—he’d always ask you how you were doing, he’d ask you if you were okay with him kissing you and holding your hand and you were sure your friends must’ve told him about your past because he was very adamant on taking your relationship at your pace. Looking at him right now, lying in your bed made you realize just how quickly things were going between the two of you and you didn’t know how you felt about that. It took you a while to sleep over Mark’s apartment and he didn’t see yours until five months in to your relationship. 

However, you were beginning to believe you were rushing things because you missed having someone around all the time; you missed having the presence of someone you loved—you missed Mark. You also assumed that you were acting this way because you wanted to force yourself to like Minho so you could completely move on from Mark, but you didn’t understand why you wanted to get the thought of him out of your mind completely. 

The more time you spent with Minho, going on dates with him, calling him when you couldn’t see him; you’d find yourself picturing Mark in his place. You really missed how Mark used to treat you like you were the most important person on the planet. You missed holding him and being held by him, you missed playing video games with him and coming home from a long day of work with a table full of your favorite food. Even if you were doubting his words when he told you he was going to do better, you wondered how life would be like if you did give in to him that night. 

As much as you liked Minho—or at least felt like you did, a huge part of you believed that you were only staying with him for his sake. He was such a nice guy who genuinely seemed to care about you, but nobody was ever going to be Mark. You weren’t going to ever care or love anyone the way you did with Mark and you didn’t want to continue leading him on knowing that your heart belonged to someone else. You decided that you were going to call it a night, you didn’t expect Mark to get back to you any time soon if at all for that matter. 

After placing a gentle kiss on Minho’s shoulder blade, you curled up in to your pillow and slowly closed your eyes. Unfortunately, you couldn’t find it in yourself to fall asleep; your mind was too busy thinking about whether or not Mark read your messages and if he did, how he felt about hearing that you missed him and that you still loved him. Taking one last look at your phone, you felt your heart swell up as a small smile rose on your face.

Mark: I’m all yours. 1:36 A.M. 

What if I never get over? What if I never get closure? What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya? What if it never gets better? What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?

I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you? What if I gave you (what if I gave you) everything I got? What if your love was my one and only shot? What if I end up with nothing to compare it to What if I never get over? Oh, if I never get over What if I never get over you?What if I never get over you? Oh, what if I never get over? Over you

[petersasteria]

Someday We’ll Know - Haz Osterfield

Pairing: Haz x Singer!Reader

Part 1:  Still Into You || Haz Osterfield Masterlist

* * * *

Hurt. When love is present, hurt would be just around the corner; lurking around to find the perfect time to strike. It's the storm after the calm. No one ever talks about what we should do after we get hurt. You see, hurt is inevitable. No one knows when or how we'll get hurt, but it's inevitable and it just happens. Everyone wishes they could have known beforehand, so that they could be prepared. Well, no one's ever prepared.

Love is a battlefield; it's war. Love is a war and we are love's soldiers. Before we go into war, we tell ourselves what we should and what we should not do. But when we're at war itself, we lose all control and we're clueless. We tell ourselves to prepare, but when it's actually happening, we forget all the things we prepared for; we forget why we prepared in the first place.

Maybe that's why we get hurt. We forget to secure ourselves. Unlike love, hurt only has a few questions. They say love is the most complicated thing, but let's not forget that hurt is complicated too. Sometimes, we hurt first before we love. An example of this would be if you get hurt that your friend started dating. Only to realize that you were hurt, because you actually love them and it was kind of late to realize it.

Is hurt a good thing? Or is hurt a bad thing? Are pain and hurt one and the same? Why do we get hurt? Do we hurt when we hurt other people? Is hurt a form of love?

There are a lot more questions. Like love, answers about hurt may vary depending on who you ask. Everyone's hurt levels are different and everyone hurts differently.

Hurt is both a good thing and a bad thing. It feels bad, but because it feels bad, it becomes a good thing. You're probably asking, 'how come it becomes a good thing?'. It becomes a good thing, because now, you're fully aware that whatever environment you're in is bad. It's a warning.

Hurt is a form of warning before a heartbreak. The moment you feel hurt, spare yourself from heartbreak and just leave. Or you could fix it with love. But not all problems should be solved with love. See? It's complicated. There are so many should's and shouldn't's.

Love and hurt get along, because they're both complicated. And because they're both complicated and they get along, it's the perfect concoction for what makes us human. Loving is not wrong. Hurting is not wrong, either. Love and hurt makes us wiser and stronger that's why it's the perfect concoction for making us human.

Like love, hurt is inevitable. They go together, after all. If they go together, was love supposed to hurt? Was love all about hurting? Was it possible to love someone who hurt you? Was it possible to hurt someone you love? If all the answers are 'yes', then we've finally answered one question about love. We partly figured out what love is. Last time, we learned that:

Love is complicated. Some people say that love wasn't supposed to hurt. If we get hurt, it wasn't love.

If love was all about hurting, let's debunk that and answer the questions instead.

Was it possible to love someone who hurt you? Yes, because at some point in life, we loved them with our whole being before they hurt us.

Was it possible to hurt someone you love? Absolutely. Whether you intended it or not, it's still possible to hurt someone you love.

It's been two years since Y/N and Harrison broke up. The two twenty-five year olds would have been dating for twelve years. They would've been engaged. Harrison had a ring prepared, after all. He bought it after Y/N's visit all those years ago. He didn't propose because he wanted to wait.

Waiting. True love waits until you regret not shooting your shot in the first place. If Harrison knew that they'd break up years later, he would have proposed then and there. If he did that, Y/N would've said yes and they would've been happily married. They would've started a family.

But if he did that, Y/N wouldn't have been a singer. He knew that she'd decide to settle with him rather than focus on a singing career. He didn't want that. So he guessed that he made the right decision to not propose.

Both Harrison and Y/N didn't know what to do. They've literally been in a committed and serious relationship for ten years and now they didn't know what it was like to be single. The last time they were both single was when they were twelve and they couldn't exactly do what their single twelve year old selves did.

As each day passed by, both of them were unknowingly thinking of each other. Y/N would write songs about him, she'd record it, but she'd never release it. It would remain in her vault of songs dedicated for Harrison. She was updated with everything he was doing and Harrison was updated about her too. The fans were hurt that their power couple wasn't together anymore. But from time to time, they'd fit the other on the other's post.

Like when Y/N posted a picture of her reflection on the glass window. It was just a simple picture and the caption was: baby, not a day goes by that i'm not into you.

The fans freaked out and saw. They knew it was for Harrison. They shamelessly mentioned him in their comments and Harrison saw it. He would've seen it anyway without all the mentions. He asked himself why she'd put a lyric from their theme song as a caption. He wanted to ask her the same thing, but he knew that Y/N would answer, "why not?"

Harrison didn't know why she did that. Y/N didn't know either. Maybe, subconsciously, she knew that Harrison would see her post and maybe her subconscious was sending a message to Harrison that she was still in love with him and that she still thought of him as the love of her life and that she thought of him in general. If that were the case, Harrison felt it too. Because he, too, posted a picture with the caption: some things just, some things just makes sense and one of those is you and I.

The fans noticed and they practically begged for them to get back together. Y/N saw the picture and she finally did something she's never done in two years: she liked the picture. Again, the fans saw and they freaked out. In return, Harrison liked her picture too.

Rumors started circulating as fans speculated that they're getting back together soon. They prayed and hoped that they would.

Harrison's mother knew that everything will turn out in the end. She said that when he was twenty; when he broke down, because he was miles away from Y/N. She also said that when he called her to tell her that he and Y/N called it quits. She said it again when the rumors started. She was a wise woman. In fact, all mothers are wise women.

Y/N and Harrison thought differently about the break up. Y/N thought that maybe they actually weren't meant to be; they weren't soulmates. Harrison thought that they were meant for each other, no matter what. He thought of that thanks to his mother.

Y/N was utterly confused.

Does love always play like that? After being with someone for years, it suddenly wasn't meant? What the fuck was that? All those years were wasted. After being together with someone for a long time, it suddenly didn't work out? That's bullshit, but it happens. It unfortunately and sadly happens. Sometimes, we were just destined to meet someone. Just because we were destined to meet someone, doesn't mean that we were meant to be with that person. Someday, we'll all know an answer as to why that happens. But for now, we'll just have to accept that, that's life and that's love.

Y/N decided it would be nice to do an Instagram live stream at home, because she had a day off. She thought it would be nice to just have a chill day and maybe do some karaoke. Her tv had a YouTube feature anyway; she could search up some instrumentals of songs she wanted to sing.

An hour into her live stream, Harrison decided to watch. He didn't want people to cause a stir if he used his account, so he asked Tom if they could watch on his phone instead. Tom agreed with no hesitation. The fans saw that Tom was watching and pointed out that if Tom was there, Harrison was there somewhere. Y/N didn't notice it, because she just kept singing and randomly dancing.

It was entertaining.

After singing and dancing to "We're All In This Together", she decided to take a breather and talk to some fans. She saw that Tom left a comment here and there and she smiled and said, "Hi Tom! I hope I see you soon."

Tom smiled and commented, "See you soon!"

The fans went wild.

"Soon?? Are haz and y/n back together??"

"is she dating tom? sksks"

"lol no she isn't dating tom wtf tom wouldn't do that to harrison"

"lowkey kinda ship"

"haz and y/n are endgame PERIODT"

She chose to ignore the comments, because she didn't want to stir something up especially when they were all not true.

"This next song is called 'Someday We'll Know' and it's one of my favorite songs at the moment." She smiled and she played the song.

Ninety miles outside Chicago

Can't stop driving, I don't know why

So many questions, I need an answer

Two years later you're still on my mind

Upon hearing that line, Tom nudged Harrison and smiled at him. It was Tom's subtle way of telling him that Y/N dedicated that song for him. Tom knew that and he felt that. In some way, he felt that Y/N knew that Harrison was watching with him.

And Tom was right.

Y/N knew that Harrison was watching that's why she chose that song. If she were to sing 'Still Into You', it would be obvious. So, she did a smart move and picked the song she thought was perfect for them at the moment. Y/N didn't give Harrison closure. After all, she was the reason for the break up as much as she hated to admit it. This was Y/N's way of expressing her hurt and pain and heartbreak and sadness. Y/N thought that if she and Harrison were really meant for each other, he would feel how sorry she was.

And he did feel it. He just didn't know how to express it. He was still hurt, though. He was scared too. He was scared to be with her again. He was scared to love her too much again. He feared that if he loved her too much again, history would repeat itself and they'd let go of each other once more. Harrison was too fragile go to through that again.

Letting go. Two words that are easy to say, but hard to do. Part of letting go is moving on. The first step is to let go, because we can't move on if we're still holding on to the past. The past will always be our past as much as we hate it. But if we learn to let go of all of our past woes, we would be able to move on and live free from the past that used to cage us.

Letting go is a part of love. You see, love is a journey. It's like a life within a life. Notice how our love lives are different from our normal lives. When we're with the person we love, everything feels like a scene from a movie. But when we aren't with them, everything's so mundane.

Y/N loved Harrison enough to let him go. That was part of the journey. After all, we all have to let go at some point, right?

But Y/N was responsible for hurting Harrison. How come she had to let him go and not the other way around? Just because Harrison got hurt, doesn't mean that he's the one who should let go. Y/N had a reason: she let go of him, because she didn't want to hurt him anymore. She set him free and sometimes that's how you can show your love for someone.

Neither of them wanted it to happen, but they knew one of them had to do something. Y/N settled on letting him go instead, because he would be free from hurt.

"I'll ask Tom to get my stuff. You should stay here."

"But we bought it together after I graduated." Y/N frowned.

"Yeah, but your studio is here and if you moved out, it'll be hard to move those too. I'll stay with Tom, it's alright." Harrison gave her a small smile before leaving.

Even when they said goodbye, Harrison still cared. He never really stopped.

Caring is another form of love. When someone once had meaning in your life, you still end up caring for them. It's just the way it is. However, that only happens when you truly loved them, though. It only happens when it only ended on good terms.

"Mate, you still care about her, don't you?" Tom asked one night. Harrison glanced at him before looking back at his hands, "I never said I stopped caring. I still do."

"So, you still love her?" Tom added.

"I never stopped loving her either." Harrison replied.

"I don't get it." Tom said. "I know both of you still love and care for each other. So why aren't you together?"

"Love is complicated, Tom. I want to get back together, but I'm not sure if I should; I'm not sure if she wants to. I want to get back together, but I'm scared to get hurt again. Is that okay for me to feel that way?" Harrison looked at his best friend in worry.

Tom gave him a small smile and nodded, "That's totally valid."

Love is scary. Love is scary, because we don't know what will happen if we fall in love. Falling in love is a leap of faith. If you trust the person you love to catch you, falling for that person would be easy. If you don't, immediately let go and work on yourself first. Don't have second thoughts asking yourself if loving this person is right, because love shouldn't have second thoughts. Love should be built with trust.

Jasmine trusted Aladdin from the first time they met when they were running away from the palace guards. Before they went on a carpet ride Aladdin, or Prince Ali, asked her if she trusted him. She hesitantly said yes. She could've said no, but she didn't. But maybe she said yes, because Prince Ali was familiar to her. Sure, she was hesitant, but she still said yes. She had a feeling that Aladdin and Prince Ali were one and the same and she was right. That's why it worked out in the end. Jasmine and Aladdin were each other's soulmate.

What comes in your mind when you hear or see the word 'soulmate'?

People are divided into two when it comes to soulmates. People who believe in them and people who don't. Like hurt and love, most people have different answers regarding the question on whether they believe in soulmates and if soulmates are real.

Some people don't believe in soulmates. They believe that if a person was compatible with another person, those are because of their goals and personalities.

According to some people who said that soulmates are people who were meant to be with us. Some people also say that soulmates aren't necessarily people who we're romantically involved with, because soulmates can be friends.

From those, we can conclude that soulmates are people who we're meant to be with. Soulmates are people who are perfect for us. If so, how can we know if a person is our soulmate? Well, that's the thing. You'll just know. If you're still confused, you probably haven't found yours. It'll only make sense when you have a soulmate. One cannot simply explain on how to know if a person was written in the stars for you, because you'll know. It's a feeling and it's hard to explain.

Soulmates usually come after the storm. That's based from observation. No one talks about it, though. They only mention the calm before the storm, but they don't mention the storm itself and what comes after it. You see, after the storm, there's the sun. Calm is the love that makes us live in pure bliss and content, the storm is the hurt that unknowingly strikes and the impact of it is the inevitable heartbreak, and the sun is the peace that comes and swoops in to save us from the ruins of heartbreak's impact. That's what a soulmate is. Because after all the mistakes we've made and after everything we've been through, the sun will always be there to shine at the end of it.

One of Y/N's friends threw a party and Y/N took a day off just to go. It was her friend's birthday, after all. She wouldn't miss it for the world. What she didn't know was that Harrison would be there. Harrison didn't know Y/N was coming either. So it came as a surprise to them when they saw each other at the party.

"Fancy seeing you here." Y/N said with a smile.

"Likewise." Harrison smiled back.

"So, um how've you been?" Y/N asked. "It's been two years."

"I'm, I'm good. You?"

"Same here."

Silence fell upon them. It felt like they were thirteen again when they met up at the mall for their first date. Y/N chuckled at the thought and Harrison did the same. They looked at each other and asked at the same time, "Did you think about our first date at the mall?"

Harrison laughed, "Oh god, you did!"

"How could I not? We were so awkward!" Y/N laughed.

Once both of them calmed down, Harrison gave her a smile, "This feels nice. I really missed you."

"I really missed you too." Y/N said lovingly. "Look, I'm sorry for what happened two years ago. I was really busy and-"

"Don't worry about it, Y/N."

"I just want to say so-"

"I said don't worry about it." Harrison pushed.

"Why? I hurt you. I hurt the person I love and I want to apologize for it." Y/N frowned. Harrison held both of her hands and said, "You shouldn't worry about it, because I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago. I forgave you before I left the house."

It now makes sense on why we care about who hurt us. We only care about them if we forgive them. If caring is another form of love, forgiveness is the same thing. An example of this would be Eliza forgiving Alexander Hamilton. But if we love the person who hurt us greatly, sometimes, we still care about them during the in between.

From that moment, Y/N and Harrison knew that they'd be okay. This moment was their sun. Harrison's mother was right once more.

Someday we'll know

Why Samson loved Delilah

One day I'll go

Dancing on the moon

Someday you'll know

That I was the one for you

The song played loudly through the speakers. Harrison and Y/N lightly chuckled. He asked, "Is this our new song?"

"I guess so, but not quite. It's complicated." Y/N replied.

"Then let's not complicate ourselves." Harrison smiled sweetly. "I love you and I haven't stopped. I'd love for us to be together again, if you'll allow it?"

"Haz, of course I want to be with you again." Y/N smiled.

Just like that, they were together again. They trusted each other enough to try again and they loved each other enough to fall back into love.

What is love? Love is a lot of things. Love is complicated. Love is nothing without trust. Love is the calm before the storm. Love is a soothing and cool feeling. Love is about balance; the give and takes. Love has a shit ton of meanings and a shit ton of perceptions. Love is real. Love is fickle. Love is everywhere.

There are no rules in love, because no one wrote such rules. We love who we want to love. We love when we want to love. Love knows no limits or boundaries. Love is different, because we write our own love stories, we create our own love stories, we have our own love stories, and we are our own love stories.  Love is a journey that everyone takes whether we like it or not. We keep loving despite knowing the storm will come, because love is natural.

Love is not rehearsed.

Love is a battlefield; it's war. Love is scary. Love is beautifully terrifying.

Is hurt a good thing? Yes.

Is hurt a bad thing? Yes.

Are pain and hurt one and the same? No. Hurt is a feeling when we're in pain.

Does love always play like that? After being with someone for years, it suddenly wasn't meant? Yes, because no one ever said that love was fair.

Love is a leap of faith.

Love is forgiveness.

The calm can happen for years. The storm can come multiple times. But the sun; the sun can only come once. We may never know what stage we're in right now. We can be at the state of calmness or we could be in the middle of a storm, but one day all the skies, our woes, will clear up and the sun will come to save us.

"There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

* * * *

Sorry if it’s shit lmao

𝐇𝐀𝐙 𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐃 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @abrielleholland @silencetheslaves @peachmaybnx @imeanlifesabitshit @joyleenl @marshxx​ @hjoficrecs

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @marvelousell @justasmisunderstoodasloki @rubberducky-jrr @petersholland @osterfieldnholland @miraclesoflove

𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐇𝐚𝐳 𝐎𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐟𝐟

[tfw-no-tennis]

ani....morphs.....

ok so picking up after the david trilogy, which hit hard as FUCK, we have book 23, which basically was a semi truck that ran over my corpse, jesus christ, they really followed up the david trilogy w/all that....

23 was so so good and also painful. its the culmination of a lot of tobias’s characterization in the series thus far and also we finally get the reveal we’ve been waiting for about elfangor....ooooh man 

and there was a lot of painful stuff in this book but the worst imo was tobias wondering if it were possible that somebody wanted him and would take care of him, only to have it all come crashing down in the worst way when it turned out aria was visser three in morph, ouch. 

that was so brutal augh. and when he figured it out and just crash landed and kept thinking about how he wanted to die and how he was stupid to think he could have a home...bro get these kids some THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

so yeah that book was absolutely brutal but also so good...and it further fleshed out the animorphs working as a near-flawless team, w/the whole setup of tobias meeting w/the lawyer being so airtight and well-planned 

also more free hork bajir!! its cool that there's stuff happening w/them offscreen, I like that 

I literally had to take a break from reading the books bc the david triology + 23 was like so much, and also bc the olympics were on and all my time got dedicated to watching those, but then I opened 24, not sure what to expect, and BAM it was the helmacrons lmaoooo

I don't even remember the helmacrons but ig a lot of people hate them? lmao so that whole reputation preceded the book and I was like oh wow time for a change in tone

which wasn't wrong but also I liked that book?? I was never bored, even tho the whole thing was patently ridiculous and also had very little bearing on the overarching story

but I think it would be a standout if it were a TV episode w/a good budget - the visuals were amazing even in text, and I can imagine all the cool shrinking/growing/cellular stuff would be WICKED cool visually (ideally 2d animation but an ant man-esque live action adaptation wouldn't be terrible if they had the budget for it)

whatever let me dream. so yeah I didn't hate the helmacron book even tho the helmacrons themselves were...sure something. lmao I think they come back? that should be interesting

next book is the arctic one, we have yet another alien of the week style adventure - I liked this one too, it felt like more plot-y stuff happened since they destroyed the base, and marco’s POV is always fun 

I do find it funny/interesting how sometimes when the animorphs do something - like in this book, destroying that base in the arctic - it doesn't really seem to impact the yeerks much/it doesn't get brought up much after that. and then other things like them destroying the ground-based kandrona get mentioned a lot (that example is understandable tho bc that WAS a big deal). its just hilarious to me how blowing up entire building complexes has become so routine that it isn’t even worth mentioning at this point

Also I adore when they meet other random people/kids and are chill w/them, like w/that kid they met in the rain forest earlier on w/the time travel 

the descriptions of the brutally cold weather were great. I hate the cold so I was like oof this is a nightmare lmao

also ig that was the first ghostwritten book and I did kinda notice it was slightly different than usual? maybe? I could be imagining it tho 

okay but book 26 tho...BOOK 26. bruh 

that was SO good and I really didn’t know what to expect - but when we finally revisited Jake’s dream w/crayak I knew it was gonna be good (but I didn’t expect it to be a chess game war epic..!)

basically I loved it. SUCH a good Jake book - I really appreciate his character now as opposed to when I was 10 and often overlooked him (sorry jake).

similarly, when I was a kid and read these I sympathized a lot w/the chee and felt bad for them towards the end of the series when they had to get more involved in the war (genuinely don’t remember what they even do but ik I felt bad) 

but now I've basically 180′d and I'm like damn those chee sure are hypocrites huh. 

like they could solve So many of the animorphs problems but their stringent adherence to nonviolence leads to them actively getting in the animorphs way sometimes? and obviously pacifism is a complicated topic, but in this case it also intersect w/the whole ‘child soldier’ thing, and as beings who are insanely old and wise, the chee probably shouldn't just leave all the dirty work to a bunch of literal middle schoolers

aaaaanyways. there’s so much I love about this book. the iskoort! they were sure something. and the ‘plot twist’ that they are actually 2 beings, the Isk and the Yoort - and the Yoort are essentially Yeerks - that slapped. the symbiosis of it all! 

I loved the part where they all realize what this means, that this is why Crayak wants the iskoort destoryed - because someday the yeerks might come across them and realize parasitism is not the only way. I love it! 

alas I don’t recall the iskoort returning in the story (but also my memory is terrible so who knows?) but still that would be cool

basically I feel like this is the book where Jake Truly comes into his own as a leader, in every sense. he outmaneuvers Crayak, and even the ellimist, who’s yanking them around in his own way

the scene where jake shoves the howler off the cliff and jumps off and morphs and acquires the howler...that was fantastic and tense. 

also the murder is definitely becoming more overt. I mean, it has been for a while, but it isn’t really pointed out as much anymore. oof

more on the chee - as Jake points out in this book, and other characters point out in other books - the chee could have saved the pemalites, but instead just stood by while their creators were slaughtered. on the other hand, jake says, what do the chee do AFTER they’ve killed the howlers - where to point them next? when is the end of their violence? 

buuuuut also standing by while atrocities occur is pretty damning, as is frequently mentioned in this series - from the very beginning, when marco initially doesn’t want to get involved in the war at all, and the other animorphs basically tell him that turning his back on the war and acting like he doesn’t even know it’s happening would be immoral and cowardly (which imo this reaction helps to push marco in the direction he ends up going, but I digress) - this topic comes up again in 19 when cassie quits the team and rachel is upset bc she sees it as cassie elevating her own feelings above the greater good (as in, as long as cassie feels good about how she acts, it doesn’t matter how much preventable evil the yeerks are committing while she turns away). etc etc. but that’s essentially what’s happening w/the chee - even tho they help w/intel, the lack of any sort of Action on their part means that they’re essentially allowing awful things to happen when they could prevent them. this is rambly but basically...animorphs deals so much in grey areas, and the chee are noticeably black and white in their actions, despite falling, in a meta sense, in an extremely grey area. its such good, thought provoking writing!

anywayssss I keep talking about the chee lmao what else was there. oh YEAH jake and cassie kissed for the first time awww that was super cute 

and ofc immediately marco teases them as asks jake if he’s gonna kiss him next, and all I can say is...marco is a bicon 

also I love the background worldbuilding w/the iskoort, how they have all these groups and guilds and stuff - its not dwelled on much, which actually works really well to give the world/species a sense of lived-in realness 

okay oh man and the reveal at the end that the howlers were just like...children who thought the whole thing was a game...AUGHH man that’s sooo fucked 

like, when jake morphs the howler and has rachel ready to knock him down in grizzly morph if he gets out of control due to the howler’s murderous instincts, and he morphs to find that the howler is...playful, like a dolphin morph. SUCH a good fucked up sense of dawning horror there 

and the fact that as far as I can tell the chee KNEW this, but wanted revenge anyways, so they let the animorphs assume that the howlers were Evil On Purpose

also I love smaller moments, like jake seeing that ax is ashamed for briefly running away during one battle w/the howlers, and then entrusts him w/an important task bc he knows that ax will see that as redemption - and when everyone thought jake was dead and were so happy when he wasn't (they all love each other so much im gonna cry about these child soldiers augh)

basically that book was so good

man one thing I absolutely love is that the longer the series goes on the more obvious it is that andalites, despite inventing morphing technology, barely use it themselves 

like, most of the andalite characters we see barely morph. its kind of a last resort to them, as they’re already plenty dangerous in their regular forms 

meanwhile for the animorphs, that’s all they have to fight with. that’s their only weapons against the yeerks, and its so fun to see them use the power in so many varied ways, and so creatively, while the andalites have barely scratched the surface of their own technology

its also interesting to contrast against the yeerks who start out w/absolutely no technology, and the andalites share some but not all of their technology w/them...its too bad that morphing technology was just starting out cause that would’ve been interesting

like imo a lot of the conflict w/the yeerks could’ve been avoided if they could just nothlit into better forms - of course, there’d still be plenty of yeerks who want to go start wars or w/e, just like pretty much any species in the series, but a lot of yeerks would probably be like ‘yeah I'm good’ and just chill out as nothlits

also people online love to talk about how humans are alienfuckers and would definitely have sex w/sentient aliens and whatnot, and while I'm not saying that's untrue, its just funny bc in animorphs the truest alienfuckers are definitely the andalites

as of the hork-bajir chronicles, we now have a second instance of an andalite morphing another species to be in an inter-species alien romance (and eventually have kids) 

speaking of, I don’t think I’ve talked abt the hork bajir chronicles yet??? even tho I read it a while ago lmao 

HBC was great...I honestly haven’t really run into an animorphs book I’ve actually disliked at this point, I’m sure it’ll come w/all the ghostwriting and whatnot, but I’ve liked at least some aspects of every book

anyways HBC was great, and it’s funny bc I remember that I read this book as a kid, and yet rereading it now I didn’t remember a single bit of it lmaooo

I really liked the framing device of the free hork bajir telling this story to tobias. I also liked how we know from the beginning that this story wont have a happy ending - we know all the hork bajir end up enslaved by the yeerks, but it’s still somehow hopeful at the end? I think this is largely due to the framing device tbh. 

also I love toby, and I love that the First free hork bajir named their kid after tobias ;_; 

and oooh mannn I LOVED the different POVs from this book. all the characters were so interesting! aldrea was fascinating - I really like the increasingly negative view of the andalites that the readers are getting, all while maintaining the sense that they aren’t like, actively evil, just that they have their issues - like aldrea’s arrogance, and the general andalite arrogance which lead to the loss of the hork bajir. also, who knew andalites had their own brand of sexism? Ls

I did like getting a female andalite tho, that was cool. and dak was really cool, he was such a good, compassionate character who was able to maintain his morals in an interesting way throughout the story

and VISSER THREE...or should I say esplin 9466, because he’s not visser 3 yet...getting his ‘origin story’ was excellent - I really like how we’re learning about visser 3 backwards - we start off the series w/him as the main villain, and he’s campy and menacing, and then we see him in the andalite chronicles as a power-hungry sub-visser trying to climb the ranks and eventually getting alloran as a host, and then back even further here, w/the start of his focus on the andalites and the beginning of his ambition. its been very cool and interesting to see

plus, the beginning of the yeerks as we know them! seerow! alloran! it’s a party and nobody is having a good time, except for some of the yeerks. 

I like how it’s pretty obvious that the andalites are well-meaning with their interactions w/the yeerks, but go about it the wrong way - they give them enough technology that the yeerks realize there’s a whole world out there to experience, and then they blockade the yeerks on their planet and tell them they can’t leave. nnnnot the best approach imo

again, as I said above, I’m interested in how things could’ve gone if the andalites had given the yeerks morphing technology early on - could a lot of the conflict have been avoided, or would it have been worse? the yeerks seem pretty evil in this book, immediately jumping to enslave anyone they can. otoh we hear from esplin that not all yeerks like having host bodies, and find it overwhelming, preferring to swim around in the yeerk pool as a slug - I assume as host bodies became more available this type of thinking was probably stamped out in yeerk society or w/e, but there are a lot of interesting what-ifs in the situation 

I loved the scene where esplin first experiences having a host, and immediately knows he can’t go back. there are a bunch of great sensory descriptions, and it’s a nice scene to pinpoint as a foundational moment for the visser three in the current story, who spent a lot of time and energy getting what he sees as the best possible host body, an andalite

I find it interesting how much visser three clearly respects the andalites, even while constantly deriding them. and you can see the origins of that here as he immediately focuses in on the andalites, working to become an expert on them in order to make himself useful enough to move thru the ranks

another thing I like is how esplin seems a lot more crafty and ambitious than the visser three from modern times - I would guess that reaching his goal (andalite host body) and being given all that power was detrimental, playing on his weaknesses instead of his strengths. basically, I don’t think it’s ooc or anything, I can see how HBC-esplin became animorphs-esplin, especially w/TAC in between

as for seerow...poor dude. you really do have to feel for him, because you get the sense he really did just want to be kind to the yeerks, but it was borne from a place of pity, and he (and the other andalites) consistently held too much power over the yeerks for the species relations to ever be truly equal and functional 

AUGH I have so many thoughts about alien space politics. omg. I need to talk about the actual story lmao

so yeah I also feel for aldrea, she had a rough time, watching her entire family die and being thrown into a hopeless war

and then the andalite council or w/e not listening to her bc she's a girl AND seerow’s daughter...oof

also, I really really liked the running theme of the andalites - specifically aldrea - looking down on the hork bajir as ‘simple’ and constantly underestimating them, especially dak

and I like how this is portrayed as a bad attitude for aldrea to have, and she still remains and interesting and sympathetic character even while having obvious flaws. it’s about being 3-dimensional baby!

and oh man I love that dak realizes that aldrea looks down on him, and his entire species, but he can see that that’s how the andalites are, and it all connects back to the beginning of the story w/the yeerks, bc the andalites looked down on the yeerks and treated them with pity and kept them pinned under their proverbial thumb ‘for their own good’ and look how that turned out 

but dak is wise and kind enough to not hate aldrea for this, even acknowledging when she’s using him, but not pushing her away because he recognizes good in her too - and she ends up changing, partially because of his faith in her

and I feel like it can all be compared to that scenario of like - a hypothetical creature that lives in a 2D world suddenly being thrust into a 3D world, and comprehending what its seeing, and understanding that there’s so much more out there outside of the flat lines of its world - and then its dropped back into 2D-land with the knowledge of all the stuff its missing out on, and no way to get back to it or explain it to anybody else

I loooove that ‘trope’ or w/e you wanna call it, and it’s done beautifully here w/the yeerks - whos the say they wouldn't have been fine in their pool swimming around; as esplin said, a lot of the yeerks were terrified of having a host, it was only from the andalites’ perspective that their lives were sad and pitiful, and the andalites showed them what the world could be like, and then said ‘no, you can’t travel the stars like we do, you have to stay here on your planet and do what we say.’

and then again, w/the hork bajir - dak talks about how, even though he drinks up the knowledge that aldrea gives him, in the end it might have been better to just have lived peacefully, not knowing what was in the sky or the Deep - as aldrea says: “It was too late for Dak: he knew that the stars were not flowers.” 

plus the hork bajir having to go from a completely peaceful species who don’t even understand the concept of violence, to a bunch of soldiers fighting a war...oof 

basically everyone in this story uses the hork bajir. the yeerks use them as hosts, the andalites use their planet as a convenient place to dump seerow and then take their sweet time coming to help, and the arn created them as means to stabilize the planet, but block them off from their society and refuse to help when the yeerks come

like, the arn modifying themselves to be un-infestable by the yeerks and then being enslaved for physical labor instead? oof guys. if they had teamed up w/the hork bajir resistance things might have gone better, but probably not 

more on aldrea - throughout the story I was always thinking ‘how am I supposed to see her? as a good person, or as a bad person?’ 

as a POV character, especially a ‘good guy’ andalite, you just start off automatically thinking of her as a good person, but as the story goes on, she starts getting lost in revenge and begins using dak and the hork bajir, and you’re left wondering if this is a story about her slide into darkness, and then towards the end of the story her character development culminates in her making the decision to stay w/the hork bajir, and the be with dak, and that’s about when I went ‘ohhh right this is animorphs so every character is pretty much gonna be grey’

I feel like that moral grey-ness was on full display w/aldrea, and I really enjoyed that. I love so much when characters who are good do bad things, for good or bad reasons, especially in media like animorphs that’s aimed at kids. it’s so compelling. 

oof, and the ending when aldrea convinces dak to mobilize the hork bajir and teach them violence...and dak asks her if she’s ever killed another andalite, and she’s horrified, and says of course she hasn’t, and he says that that’s what she’s asking him, and all the hork bajir, to do - to kill their own people, even if they are being controlled by the yeerks. biiiig oof. I love that dak can keep up w/aldrea and her andalite supremacy attitude - it seems that the non-andalite characters who get along best w/the andalites are the ones who wont take their bs 

what else happened....oh my god how could I forget about alloran, and his quantum virus. oooof. I like how we find out about alloran in parallel to visser three, in the same backwards way - in animorphs he’s the tragic host of visser three, in TAC he’s the disgraced but still semi-respected war-prince who becomes the first ever andalite controller, and here he’s the guy who decides to commit some war crimes because, hey, we haven’t tried that yet 

but yeah that was fucked up, I love it. I’ve said it before I think but I like that alloran isn’t some perfect martyr tragically taken by the yeerks - it’s a lot more compelling that he’s a very flawed person who was taken as a controller partially due to his own bloodthirstiness. 

but yeah, the part where aldrea morphs alloran and ‘sneaks’ into that room was great. aldrea’s dedication to disposing of the virus is a great indicator of her character development - it really feels like the straw that broke the camels back w/re: to the andalites not being what she thought they were, w/their tardiness coming to help the hork bajir planet and the way her father was treated being the precursors to this realization. it all culminates nicely in aldrea saying ‘fuck this actually’ and nothlit-ing into a hork bajir.

and it’s really tragic but realistic that even though aldrea and dak end up seeing eye to eye at the end and getting together, the virus ends up being released anyways (and fails in its objective to stop the yeerks from using the hork bajir - the whole thing was p much a lose-lose situation oof), and aldrea and dak still die fighting a hopeless war 

but then we have the free hork bajir on earth, including toby, who, like tobias, has andalite ancestry, but no DNA to show for it - I like that they have that connection as well as tobias being her namesake

so yeah I enjoyed that one and its many-layered themes

WOW this got long uuuuuhhh ok I think i’ll leave this one off here. at the time I’m actually finishing the writing and editing, I’m on book 35 lol so I have some backlogging to do. never fear, I have a lot to say....