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anonymityisfunwriter · 6 months ago

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Enough For You - Chapter 1

Enough For You Chapter List

"You're not coming back," you say, watching him as he watches the still body of water in front of the two of you. "You're going back to her."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't - Don't do that."

"Don't apologize?"

"You don't mean it - we both know that you don't mean it."

"I do mean it. I am sorry."

"If you were sorry, you wouldn't be doing this. If you were sorry, you would have given me half a chance."

"Things like this happen all the time. Sometimes these things just don't work out. We gave it-"

You cut him off, your eyes now glassy, but you clench your jaw to avoid them spilling in front of him. "Don't say we gave it our best shot. I gave it my best, but can you honestly say the same when I always knew that you'd do this? I knew that I was never ever going to be enough for you. I never stood a chance against a person who doesn't exist."

"She does exist - she does."

"Not the person that you've built up in your head. That person's not real. I would know. I've tried. A force to be reckoned with, but not in a way that overshadows you. Intimidating but not emasculating. Beautiful, but not overstated. Loyal but not clingy. It's never enough for you."

"Please, I don't want to fight. I've made my decision."

You nod stiffly. You're not going to fight for someone who won't return the favor. You won't tear up the last remaining shred of self-respect you have. Even for him. "One day, not tomorrow, probably not even a year from now, but one day - you'll look back and you'll realize that all I ever wanted was to make you happy. And I hope that you find that happiness with her, because on that day, I really hope you look back and don't regret what you're about to do. I won't be here to put the pieces back together. I deserve to be more than a consolation prize. I deserve at least that much."

"You deserve so much more than that."

"But all I ever wanted was to be enough for you."

As he walks away, all the memories of the life you'd built together play back.

6 years.

6 years you'd played second fiddle.

You didn't know it before. But you certainly knew it now.

You didn't even know it this morning when you'd awoken in his warm embrace. All the laughs, tender moments, all the love you'd shared - it was all gone. And worst of all, you weren't even sure if any of it was real.

You could yell after him, beg him, plead and lose every shred of dignity that you had.

You could tell him about the life you'd created together. Maybe he should know - that would get him to stay. You knew it would.

But somewhere deep down, you knew that it would change nothing. He didn't want you, and forcing that on him, well, then you'd really be nothing more than a consolation prize.

This wasn't your fairytale, you weren't the happily ever after that he wanted. And you needed to be more than that this time around. You were going to find someone who dreamed about you the way he dreamed about her. Someone who would glow and gleam when they talked about you. Someone who found you exciting and endearing.

Someone who you would be enough for.

4 Years Later...

After only a few days with Peggy, and with your parting words constantly echoing in his head, Steve couldn't take it anymore.

You were right. The woman that he'd dreamed, hoped, and longed for was not one that existed.

And once that realization struck him, he took another look at the other woman he had. The one he actually loved.

After pulling some strings and some very, very difficult conversations, he was back in the time that he actually belonged in.

He walked up to the last place he'd ever seen you, where you so heartbreakingly parted. And hoped that you'd kept Tony's parting gift. You'd always loved this little cabin on the lake.

Back when you dreamed of a future with Steve, it was the place you envisioned having children and growing old together. It was everything you'd ever wanted and more.

It was strange to him that it was already snowing, when he left fall had barely begun. He smiled at the fond memory of you gushing about how much you loved fall and everything that it brought.

He kept his head down, thinking about all the things he would say to you. How he'd apologize for everything he'd put you through. That you were enough for him. That he was sorry he got caught up in some deluded fantasy, when what he really wanted was you.

Even though he was normally a confident man, it seemed like the frail kid from the 40's was still somewhere inside of him because he was clearly the one in control now.

He took another deep breath and knocked on the door.

It took a few seconds but when he heard the door opening, he held his breath. There was no hiding that he was practically bouncing with anticipation at merely the thought of seeing you. He knew it was only a few days, but still he missed you so much. So, so much.

So he was more than a little confused and shocked when Bucky was the one opening the door.

Bucky choked, his eyebrows furrowing at the sight of his friend, "Steve?"

"It's good to see you, Buck."

"What are you doing here?"

Steve's a little taken aback by Bucky's defensive question, Bucky didn't even seem a little bit glad that he was back.

In fact, he seemed more upset and shocked than anything else.

And he was even more confused by the fact that Bucky didn't let him in but instead used his body to block the little crack in the doorway. Looking over his head, Steve couldn't help but wonder where you were.

All he wanted to do was to see you. To beg for your forgiveness. To make his case for another chance. A real chance this time.

"Where is she? I need to talk to her - to - to tell her that she was right about everything."

"And it took you 4 years to figure that out?"

"4 years? No, I was supposed to - wait, what?"

"It's 4 years later," Bucky plainly states, his voice not revealing a single emotion.

"Why are you acting like this? Why won't you let me in?" There's a silence that he doesn't like, answers that he knows he doesn't want to hear. He shoves his best friend back, forcing himself into the house. "Where is she?"

Bucky tries to keep him out, but it's obvious that he failed.

Now, the least he can do is barricade him from the secret he swore he'd always keep. Both of his hands on Steve's chest, he tries to forcibly remove Steve without causing too much of a ruckus. "You need to leave."

But it's too late because the secret he's held as close to his chest as possible is now a giggling mess at having escaped from the room Bucky told him to stay put in.

A troublemaker, just like both his parents. The sandy-blonde haired boy is now tucked behind Bucky's legs, slightly anxious at the strange man that just entered his home.

Bucky turns to the little boy, crouches down to meet him eye-to-eye, lovingly smoothing his messy hair and clothes. "I thought I told you to stay put," he gently scolds.

The little boy stays quiet, refusing to speak in front of the stranger. Instead, he whispers in Bucky's ear, "Who's that?"

Bucky scoops the boy up, still not looking at his former best friend, and rests him on his hip. "This is Steve, Grant. He's, uh, he's an old friend."

"Did he know Mommy?"

"Yeah," Bucky says, his mouth in a tight line. "He did."

Bucky is completely unsure of what he's supposed to do right now. This - this was never supposed to be a scenario.

Steve wasn't supposed to come back.

He made his choice, and until today he was completely positive that there was no way to undo the decisions made on that fateful day.

And like the good man and father he always wanted to be, Bucky knew where his loyalties lied, where his priorities were and would always be.

All of his attention off of Steve, he places Grant in front of the TV. It was going to be more screen time than he liked to give the young boy, but special circumstances deemed it necessary.

He didn't rush as he placed his son's favorite movie on - something that was certain to keep him busy for the next hour or so.

He didn't even really care that he was keeping Steve on edge. Or that Steve was practically shaking with desperate anticipation. He'd barged back in to their lives - the least he could do was wait for him to take care of Grant.

Steve notes the lack of urgency from Bucky. And it stung that though once upon a time they'd been each other's priorities, Bucky took no issue with putting him last now. Steve couldn't really even fault him for that. He deserved at least that much.

When Bucky finally sat down in front of him, Steve steels himself for all the answers that he knew he wouldn't like.

"How old is he?"

"Almost 4 years."

The gears were turning in his head, not wanting to make assumptions, but all the signs were pointing to that very answer. "4 years?"

"Come on, he looks just like you," Bucky says, looking at the little boy who is now enthralled with his movie. "She even gave him your name. She gave you that, not that you'd ever know it."

"Grant," Steve nods, though it was barely enough to soothe the ache that he'd missed so much with his own son.

He ignores the not-so-subtle jab, he knew Bucky, how protective he was over those he cared about. He did his best not to take it to heart.

"Grant Rogers. She always liked the idea of having a nice clean name."

"I have a son?" he whispers in disbelief.

"You've had a son. For four years."

It's impossible to miss the anger and disdain in Bucky's voice. It hurts Steve even more.

"I didn't know - she never told me."

"She knew. She knew when you left," Bucky admits.

"She knew?" Steve angrily whispers. "Where the hell is she? I deserve to hear this from her."

Bucky's metal hand drops on the table in absolute disbelief that Steve even thinks he has a leg to stand on here.

There were consequences to his actions, he made his choice, Bucky could not and would not allow anyone to speak about you with any disrespect in the home you shared. "She doesn't owe you anything! And if you think she does, you should leave." Bucky pauses, trying to recollect himself before his son overheard his angry outburst. His voice drops as he continues to speak, "She said that she knew you would have stayed. You would have stayed and pined away for Peggy for the rest of your lives. She didn't want to do that to you."

"She should have told me," Steve whispers, shocked at Bucky's angry reaction.

He knew you and Bucky had always been close. The three of you understood each other better than anyone else ever could.

But you and Bucky - you'd always had a connection that not even Steve could understand. Perhaps it was that you'd both done dark things that you would carry for the rest of your days.

Maybe it was the twin flame between you and Bucky - one soul in two bodies. But it was clear to Steve that something had changed in the time he'd been gone.

He still couldn't believe that somewhere along the his time traveling adventures a wire had become so detrimentally crossed. 4 years was a long time for two people to get even closer.

"Should we have gone back to the 1940's to tell you that, Steve? Don't put this on her. You made your bed. Now lie in it."

"I just want to see her. Where is she?"

"She's gone."

"When will she be back?"

"No, Steve," Bucky emphasizes. "She's gone."

Horror struck in Steve's heart. You couldn't be gone - that wasn't - he couldn't... There is no cohesive sentence that Steve can string together to properly portray the desperation and ache in his heart.

He'd lost people. He'd lost so much, but never once did he even stop to think that you wouldn't be here.

"How?" he asks, his words hollow.

"It was an accident. A drunk driver," Bucky bitterly chuckles. "A drunk driver took out a freakin' Avenger."

"How long ago?"

"It's only been a couple months. Grant still asks about her. Try explaining that to a toddler."

"I- I don't know what to say. The- The day I left she told me that she hoped I didn't look back on that day and regret the choice I made," he shakes his head. "She said that she wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces for me. That she deserved to be more than a consolation prize."

"She told me that in the beginning. After you left, I mean. I found out she was pregnant and all I wanted was to take care of her. To take care of the last part of you that we both had. And for six months, she kept me away saying, 'we both deserve more than to be somebody else's consolation prize'. But I never saw her like that. It took some time, but I'd like to think that I made her happy. That she loved me as much as I loved her."

"I'm sure she did. And I'm sure you did. It wasn't like you had a tough act to follow."

"Do you want to meet him?"

Steve looks at the boy, Bucky was right, he looked so much like him. But there was the softness and beauty that you possessed in his face. He nods and stands up slowly, as if any sudden movement would change Bucky's mind.

"Hey, bud. Can I introduce you to someone?"

"Okay," Grant says, still only half paying attention. Bucky pauses the movie and gestures over to Steve. "This is Steve. He used to work with Mommy and me. Can you say 'hi'?"

"Hi," he meekly waves, tucking himself behind Bucky's arm. "Do you wanna watch with me?"

Steve holds back all the emotion that floods his entire body, trying to make it through this. So he simply nods and sits next to the son he never knew he had. "I'd like that."

Meanwhile, somewhere in a dark, decrepit cell:

You sit there, curled up in a fetal position, clutching the chainlink fence. Your eyes seemed permanently opened, always on guard and flickering back and forth, yet they so looked glazed over and distant. You'd been trained for this very scenario. Captured. Tortured. Experimented on. And God knows what else. But there was nothing that actually prepared you for it.

There was one thing that mildly helped. Maybe there was some scientific reason or actual logic behind it. Like maybe it helped with your perception of the time that was passing. Or maybe it was simply the song you sang, however bad of a singer you were, that reminded you of your son. How you'd hum it to him as you stroked the back of his head. Or it reminded you of the night you and Bucky danced in front of the fireplace. But it helped. You swore it did.

You hum to yourself, "Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day. Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away."

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anonymityisfunwriter · 6 months ago

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thank you so much for reading! 💛

Enough For You - Chapter 3

Enough For You Chapter List

That's how Bucky found himself in a position that he swore that he'd never put himself in again.

He's putting himself back in harm's way in the hope that you three could be a family again.

That is, if you decide that he's what you want when you find out that Steve is back.

He shakes the thought out of his head, he always felt secure in your relationship. That's why you held off on actually being with him for so long, you wanted to be sure that neither of you felt like you were playing second fiddle. That the two of you were what the other wanted. And he did. He felt like he was what you wanted.

He only hoped that he made you feel the same way.

You all know that the reason they weren't hiding your identity was to draw out Bucky.

You knew it, Bucky knew it, they all knew it. What they didn't count on was Steve Rogers making a reappearance after disappearing 4 years ago under slightly ambiguous circumstances.

Pepper had not told the other Avengers that Steve was back nor that you were alive. They'd all agreed that if the world found out that Steve was back, it would put you in more danger.

If whoever took you decided that their plan wouldn't work, God knows what they would do with you. It had only been a few days, but Steve and Bucky were chomping at the bit.

Bucky explained to Steve, still slightly resentful of the media hell you went through, what happened after he left.

How everyone played the blame game, and somehow the fingers kept pointing at you.

Bucky told Steve that he couldn't just wear a hat and sunglasses and expect to remain incognito, things were more intense now and he needed to stay away from the general public to avoid any unwanted attention.

Bucky remembered the day that news that Steve Rogers had disappeared made it to the press, and immediately after the news that you were pregnant surfaced.

He remembered all the speculation about who was the father. Most people guessed it was Bucky, that Steve felt some sort of indignation about the alleged infidelity which led to his disappearance.

It took quite some time before it all died down and you weren't bombarded by the media cycle. It was just another reason Bucky held Grant so tightly to his chest, there were so many dangers simply based on who his parents were.

So Steve needed to stay out of sight while Bucky approached you. Or you approached him like they figured you would.

With Steve as backup, at least they had the element of surprise if things went sideways.

They knew the general area you'd been spotted in, the same area over and over again. So he waited, for some sort of sign, for any inclination that you would make contact, while Steve waited hidden in the wings hoping that everything would go smoothly.

Then he saw you. He saw you and made no attempt to resist the urge to run to you.

As if you could sense him too, your head snapped in his direction.

"James?" you whisper when you see his face.

Then your head jolts again in a completely unnatural, fragmented way.

Bucky sees it - the distance is back in your eyes and he's not sure what he's supposed to do. He can't hurt you. He won't. But even at your normal strength, you could almost out-best both men one-on-one.

It used to be a running joke, you were the only person that could take down Captain America, and on his off days, you really could. You take a defensive stance and Bucky reluctantly slows down.

He moves in a careful and calculated way to avoid setting you off. He has no clue what they've done to you, but he knows just how lethal you can be. As well trained and skilled as Black Widow. The genius of Tony Stark. And the heart of Captain America. He knows what are force of nature you are, and he does not want to trigger that side of you.

"It's me. Just remember and we can go home," he speaks as he continues his slow descent to you.

"I don't know you," you reply, your voice completely monotone. Your expression is blank, your eyes distant.

"You do. You do know me. We're raising a son together. Please remember. He misses you. I miss you."

He's finally standing in front of you, but you see nothing but a threat. A threat that is slowly reaching out to grab you.

Bucky's not quite sure what happens, but in the blink of an eye, you're fighting with everything you have. All the while, Bucky's pulling every punch and swing trying not to injure you. He can't, he just can't hurt you. He won't. Because he sees the face of the woman he loves. A woman he swore he'd protect.

He looks at you and sees the woman that kept him away for 6 months when Steve left. To this day he remembers your exact words.

He's gripping your arms softly in silent defeat, you just rejected another one of his advances.

'I don't understand. Why not?' he pleads, because there's moments he swears you feel the same, moments that he can see the feelings reciprocated. And yet, you won't even give him a chance.

"Because, Bucky, you deserve someone who isn't pining away after another man!" you shout. Then you take a deep breath, trying to remember all the reasons you're staying away from this incredible man. "You deserve a great, life-altering love. And I can't give you that. Not yet.' He releases you. His heart is aching, but he knows you're right. It doesn't change how much it hurts him. He's about to walk away, but you grab his hand again. "James? I want you to know, when I do get there, and if you're still waiting, I can't wait to have that great, life-altering love with you.'

It never ceased to amaze him that somehow after all the hell you'd gone through, there was still that dreamer inside of you. That you still believed in that magical fairytale happily ever after.

When he looked at you, he saw the woman who kept that promise, that kept him away until they were both capable of sharing the love they both deserved. And what a magical, life-altering love it was. He still remembered that very first night.

It was a mess.

Everything was a mess.

The baby was only a month old and you weren't even sure how you continue anymore.

You were hormonal, tired, and a just a complete wreck in general. Sometimes you just couldn't get the baby to stop crying.

Then you'd both be crying at each other.

This was one of those nights. You sent Bucky home to get some rest without a baby's crying waking him up, but really you just didn't want him to see you like this.

You weren't sure when the last time you showered was, you were covered in spit-up, on the verge of a breakdown, and you just couldn't stand to have him think less of you right now.

Since the baby was born, Bucky was always here.

He even slept in the guest room most nights. He had a few things here in the house, but he still needed to make the occasional trip home.

During the last few months of your pregnancy and since Grant was born, more and more of his things were here. But you just needed a minute, a minute to regain your composure, your sanity.

Bucky was reluctant to leave like he always was, but you insisted telling him to stop by the store on the way home for some diapers.

You didn't miss how he wryly smiled when you called the cabin 'home'. You shrugged him off, saying that he knew that this was as much his home as it was yours.

You're not sure what time it is, but your tears have dried, but the baby's keep coming. You're not really sure why, you've done everything. He's not hungry, he won't sleep, and his diaper's not wet. You're pretty sure you read that sometimes babies just cry, but in your exhausted state it's kind of hard to tell.

You barely hear Bucky walk in over the loud crying.

"Jeez, that kid's got some lungs on him," Bucky jokes, then he sees your expression. And he instantly knows that this is why you sent him away, you do this to yourself sometimes.

You bottle everything up and then beat yourself up when no one is looking. It breaks his heart to see you like that, he thinks you're doing a great job. He wants to do more, but he's trying to respect your space. It's a hard line to tow.

He's taken to that father role, seemingly effortless, but you're both just trying to figure out how this is all going to work.

"Here, give me the baby," he offers, taking the crying baby into his arms.

"Thank you," you murmur, still half asleep.

Your voice is still shaky, but you're just so thankful for Bucky. You're not really sure what you'd do without him, and it's not even just because of the baby. It's everything, it's how his soothing presence, how he makes you laugh. It's everything about him.

"God, I love you so much," the words are mumbled, garbled by exhaustion, but you both freeze. The weight of your words hit you both like a truck, the way it left your mouth easily. It was the truth, but this was not how you wanted him to hear that.

Then Bucky steps toward you again. The baby is the only thing separating the two of you. Mindful of Grant, he leans down to you. Slowly, very slow, like he wants to give you a chance to tell him that you didn't mean it. That you didn't want this, want him. But you do, you really do.

His lips ghost yours, he wants to make sure this is okay, that crossing this line is okay. Your lips graze again, once, twice. But there is a wailing baby that needs to be tended to.

You sigh against his mouth.

"Go sleep. Take a shower. I got him," he speaks against your mouth.

You clear your throat, unsure of what just happened. "Thank you."

You start panicking when you walk into the bathroom. You aren't really all that sure about what just happened. You kissed Bucky or he kissed you. But you kissed, something you and Bucky didn't do, well except that one time on that mission.

That wasn't the point, you kissed. And you wanted to kiss him again. You were beginning to panic when you looked at yourself in the mirror.

For lack of a better word, you looked haggard.

Bags under your eyes, covered in spit-up, you didn't smell that great, and there were at least 3 different bodily fluids on you. You'd had a baby a month ago, your midsection was still swollen, your hair looked like a nest, it wasn't a good look. And Bucky looked at you no differently. The adoration and love, it was all there.

You took a shower keeping that thought on a loop. You weren't pining after Steve anymore. Some days you were mad at him for not being here, but you couldn't really blame him for that.

Most days, you weren't anything at Steve.

You weren't sure when it happened, how it happened, but you'd - you'd moved on. The realization was staggering, you'd moved on.

8 months away from him and you'd moved on. Maybe that wasn't right, but it was the truth. And the truth was that you and Steve shared something, but it wasn't something you were willing to hold onto anymore.

Once Bucky has Grant down, he's pacing thinking about how to approach this next. Does he turn on the charm? Or does he play it cool? He's not really sure, and suddenly he finds himself pacing in the living room.

He turns the baby monitor up, just in case. And tells FRIDAY to turn on the fireplace. He knows how much you love it.

But he's not sure if you'll think this is overkill, so he turns it off. Then he turns it back on. What about some music? Music, no fireplace. What about fireplace and no music?

Fuck it, he thinks.

He knows what he wants, and he's pretty sure you want the same thing, so he's going to go for it. You're constantly telling him how he deserves to be happy, well, you make him happy.

He likes parenting with you. He likes making you laugh, spending time with you. So he's going to listen to you and go for what he wants for once.

He leaves the fireplace on and turns on some music. You're breastfeeding, so he holds out on bringing glasses.

When you're out of your shower, you find silence for the first time all day. You walk into the living room feeling much better. You're showered, in some clean clothes, and Grant's not crying anymore. You find Bucky sitting on the couch, the fireplace going, he even has some quiet music going. You smile at the effort.

"You sure do know how to woo a girl. I'm impressed," you tease.

He stands up and smiles at you. "I've still got some tricks up my sleeve."

"I can see that," you nod. "It's really not fair. All that charm in one person."

"It's a good thing it comes with an off switch."

"I don't think it does," you admit.

Then it gets quiet. And you and Bucky are standing in the living room, in a very romantic setting. You're not really sure what to do with yourself. Bucky is thinking about how he should approach this. He doesn't want to scare you off, but he also wants to make it clear where he stands.

"Look, about the kiss - if you need more time, I can-" But you stop him, this time you're pressing your lips to his.

Your lips are crushing his and for a second, Bucky freezes. He's worried this is some fever dream and he doesn't want to mess it all up.

But then he meets your fervor, matching it and driving it forward. His hands wrap around your waist pulling you even closer, while yours wind their way into his hair keeping him in place, not that he even thought about pulling away.

The only reason you pull away is because you both remember that you need to breathe. And that going any further is not it the cards tonight, only because you're still not fully healed from giving birth yet.

But Bucky's hands don't drop and your's are still at the nape of his neck. You lay your head down on his shoulder as you catch your breath, his familiar scent working it's way into your nose. For a minute the both of you are just standing, but then he starts swaying the both of you back and forth to the music that's still playing in the background.

You look at him and you see that flirtatious grin on his face. "Very smooth," you compliment.

After that night, all of his things made their way into your home, and he never went back to his apartment.

The memory pummels him, more than anything that you could do to him.

He barely finds the will inside of him to block your attacks anymore. You take that momentary lapse in his defense and use it.

The entire time he's begging and pleading with you, trying to jog your memory.

You use it to your advantage. You're not listening. There are no thoughts in your head. You don't know this man. You don't know anything, except the task at hand.

Draw out the former Winter Soldier and kill him, when the task is done, well, then they have no use for you. In the very back of your mind, you can hear the little voice telling you to stop, that you know and love this man.

But the voice is locked away and so frail it's almost silent and completely drowned out by the orders that were barked at you.

Bucky tries not to panic, but none of his words are getting through.

He hates Plan B, but it's all he has now. If you can't remember then they'll fix you like they fixed him. All he needs to do is restrain you, then they can bring you in and work on undoing whatever they did, he tells himself. You will be okay again. You will all be a family again.

"Just come back to me. Please."

But then you have him. Your forearm pressed into his throat, cutting off his airway, you won't even look at him as you do it. He remembers you telling him that about your past, that was the part you struggled with the most.

Looking at people in the eye when you knew you were going to take their life. Seeing yourself in their eyes as they took their last breath. He does the only thing he can think of as you continue to cut off his airway.

He lets go of your arms, he doesn't try to pull you off anymore.

All he can do is hope that there is some small part of the old you left, he grabs your chin with his metal hand and forces you to look at him.

Neither of you hear Steve approaching, but Bucky swears that when you look into his eyes your grip loosens.

You're staring at his eyes and something inside of you is telling you to let go. It's not winning, but it's louder. You try to force your chin away, but he's holding it firmly.

Then you see Bucky's eyes flicker to something behind you, but it's too late.

You feel a sharp pain in your neck, the only contingency plan that Steve and Bucky agreed on.

You almost instantly feel sluggish, your movements become less forceful and Bucky is able to pry your arm away without hurting you.

Then it's all dark.

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