#paramore weren't a cool band

[userparamore]

the way hayley talked about thick skull at webster made me so emotional. So much paramore hate that’s not about their music always stems from 50% misinformation and 50% misogyny that’s targeted to hayley alone. I’m glad that she said that she’s not as hard on herself now. She’s just so much nicer than me cause if the majority of the public thinks I was to blame for something Josh farro did then I would be the most evil person on earth 

i also really loved that part of the interview! the interviews this album cycle for some reason have been so focused on the past, and the drama that has happened within the band and the forming of the band. it's like you said anon, it's always 50% misinformation and 50% misogyny targeted towards hayley. i'm glad hayley finally feels like she's ready to talk about this, and how the hate and misogyny in the scene affected her when she was only a teenager/young adult. the way she's spoken about it lately- it's always with grace and i appreciate that. i understand that it's a difficult topic to talk about, not just for her, but for all women in music. it doesn't matter what you say, you'll get hate either way.

i'm also glad she's not as hard on herself anymore, and i really hope that one day she'll feel comfortable enough to write a book or something like she said in the interview. i think it would be a really interesting, not only as a paramore fan, but to have an inside look at the scene. a scene that's now having a resurgence and being kind of romanticized- which i honestly don't think it should be. like hayley and gerard way talked about at wwwy, let us not drown in the nostalgia.

[purplesurveys]

1930

1.) What was the last strong scent you smelled? The essential oil I currently have for my reed diffuser.

2.) When was the last time you changed your outfit? This morning. I'll change before heading to bed, which I'll do after this. I really need to sleep; it's nearing 2 AM on a Monday.

3.) What did you buy the last time you went shopping for new clothes? Concert outfit for Seventeen back in January. I'm not a big clothes shopper.

4.) What is your favorite meal of the day? Dinner.

5.) Do you typically eat breakfast or skip it? Skip. Unless coffee counts, because I have that everyday.

6.) What was the last thing you took a picture of? A pissed off reaction selfie I took immediately after finishing Gyeongseong Creature 2 (credits weren't even done rolling yet hah).

I spent THE ENTIRE!!!!!!! evening watching it as I was desperate to see what would happen, but the whole season's pacing was so off and there was barely a payoff in the finale...so I took that selfie with the 5 AM blue sky as my background to let everyone know I put in That Much Time for a season that ended up sucking lol

7.) Do you have a collection of anything? BTS merch and bucket hats.

8.) What was the last thing you threw away? The can of coffee I finished.

9.) What is the cause of your current emotional state? The fact that I'm going back to work that I dread in less than 8 hours.

10.) What were the last plans you made? How about cancelled? Last plan I made was to resign, which I announced to my bosses last Tuesday. Last I cancelled was my initial plan to take the dogs to the vet earlier today, because when I checked their booklet it turned out I didn't need to take them til end of the month. I had no idea why I thought they were due today hahaha.

11.) How did you discover your favorite band? They were very huge when I was in Grade 3 and all the cool kids seemed to like them (Paramore).

12.) Does the weather affect your mood? If so, in what ways? Only if it's hot. I get cranky when it's hot and humid and there's no sign of aircon anywhere, and especially so if I haven't eaten.

13.) When are you most likely to be bored? Usually in the afternoon, from around 2-5 PM. Even at work, I get very restless during those hours because I want the day to be done with already.

14.) What was the last big decision you made? Resigning for good. There's a part of me that still thinks it was such a rash, impulsive, barely-thought-of decision to make...but September hit me like a 16 wheeler when it came to my mental health.

I really need to rest. But also, let's hope I find a new place to work in soon :)

15.) Where was the last place you traveled to, and what did you do while there? Vietnam! Saigon and Da Nang. I shopped more than I'd like to admit; walked, walked, and walked; simultaneously celebrated Jin's military discharge; drank a lot of coffee; discovered and fell in love with bánh tráng nướng (I still look for it...); took lots of photos.

16.) What is your favorite thing to go shopping for? Not much. I'm not a big shopper unless I'm traveling, in which case I like getting local knickknacks and snacks.

17.) How organized are you? I'd say a 7/10. I'm fairly organized, but I do have the tendency to lose track.

18.) What were the positives and negatives of your last week? Positives: I informally filed my resignation. I also...just survived.

Negative: I woke up every day of the week, save for the weekend, with a crushing weight on my chest.

19.) If applicable, how did you decide what you wanted to study in college/university? I liked to write and was good at it, and I've always enjoyed watching documentaries. It seemed like the obvious choice to make. I also came from a family of writers and lawyers, and I just wanted to continue the practice, albeit through an adjacent route.

20.) What was the last thing you received in the mail? Shopee orders but they were both for my sister lol.

21.) What is one of your wildest dreams or ambitions? Travel to the US alone.

22.) When was the last time you performed in front of a group of people? No clue. High school, maybe?

23.) Who was the last person to upset you? How about the last person to cheer you up? Upset would be someone related to my work. Cheer up...Namjoon.

24.) Is there anything or anyone you’re trying to get over or let go of? Yes. My current job.

25.) What was the subject of your last phone conversation? My grandma let me know she made me laing and asked me to come over to pick it up when I can. Apparently my mom asked her to make it...I'm guessing she did so because I recently shared with her my work troubles, and it's her way of helping me feel better. In any case, and whether my theory is right or wrong, the gesture is appreciated.

26.) What are your plans for tomorrow? How about the weekend? Tomorrow I need to work. I'm also working on the weekend. Both days.

27.) When was the last time you were sick? Sometime last month I threw up like 101% the contents of my stomach from food poisoning.

28.) How close do you have to be with someone before you’ll consider them a friend? If I feel comfortable approaching them first and share with them stupid stuff like memes.

29.) What did the last jacket you wore look like? Green and with the right sleeve decorated to look like the Philippine flag. It's a jacket I was given by one of the brands I handle; and we usually have to have it on during our more formal events like contract signings so that we can also be 'in-attire' and look the part as their PR reps.

30.) Name five things you can grab from where you’re sitting. Vape pen, Oatside coffee, phone, a BTS frame, highlighters.

[paramorearchived]

June 23, 2013

Transcript:

what's cooler than being cool?

..... being yourself. That's what.

I was just thinking the other day... Looking at random blogs, fashion sites, online zines... and I got sad. Mostly because I feel like a lot of the different subcultures that exist today, exist because at some point there was someone who felt like they didn't fit in. (Stay with me.)They had a movement of their own to live for. So they did and maybe at some later point, it caught on or somebody else felt like they could fight for those same things. Maybe it wasn't even a "fight", maybe it was just a way of living. Marching to the beat of their own drum. My Granny always told my sisters and I from a very young age... "You girls just march to a different beat". I didn't really get it back then and honestly, I'm glad I didn't because when I was that young I didn't see the point in pointing out people's differences. It was just a way of living. Still is, I suppose. Or at least, I hope.

I do get it though and I see it in other people now... mostly young people. My sisters, for sure. But in a lot of our fans, as well. Again, mostly in the younger ones. Cause when we're just young enough, we're not yet jaded or bothered by what's "cool". We're not quite as worried about fitting into some of society's little cliques or sub-genres of human beings. So, we just do whatever comes naturally to us. Funny how there's an entire part of our culture completely obsessed with youth and beauty - yet we forget the most essential ingredient to youthfulness is that clean slate, non-judgemental, wide-eyed curiosity. You can't be sold any of that.

Anyway, I got sad because within these subcultures and an entirely new breed of "too-cool kids"... there are likely some people who, at some point, didn't fit in, weren't "normal", and probably needed somewhere to go to feel like they could fully express themselves. I see it everywhere. These are the nerds from junior high that got bullied everyday but then ended up in a band and now they've turned their old loser status into a trophy of pretentiousness to beat everyone over the head with. The guys and girls who wouldn't be caught dead in a regular old mall where they once probably got made fun of for what they were wearing... but are now wearing unique and fun brands like UNIF or Lazy Oaf (which, to be extra clear, I love) and calling everyone else "basic". I'm just saying, why doesn't the cycle end with the people who should've learned their lesson? Why aren't the once regarded weirdos and freaks raising up a new generation of people who are more self-assured in their individuality? Why does it seem like some of the strange ones found their bit of success and now look down on anyone else who doesn't look, think, or have the way they do? It's like seniors who constantly give sophomores a hard time as if they weren't just sophomores themselves like 3 years ago. I was not the most popular person in school. And even when I did have friends I still felt a bit like a weirdo. I'm not threatened by that... It's something that I hope to encourage other people with. That's a huge part of the message behind Paramore. To lift up the people who feel ashamed that they're different. To tell them that that's probably the coolest part about them.

At this very moment, at 24 years old, sitting here in sweats and looking/feeling utterly disastrous (hey, i got my rights)... I have to say, I'm really proud that as a kid I never felt like I fit in with the popular crowd. And as an adult, I don't feel like I fit in with the self-righteously uncool crowd either. Honestly, it's nice to be on a real quest to just be me everyday. No matter what. It doesn't matter if I'm in Silverlake, CA - land of the upturned noses - or back home in Nashville. Doesn't matter if we're on a red carpet. I guess I just couldn't care less. I'm not saying it's always easy but it's always worth it to stay true to you.

If anything, this could be a Back To The Future type of warning, to anybody who cares enough about this post, that high school ends but it never actually ends. There will still be people around who try to point at you and laugh. Who think you're not on some tip like they are. Who feel like their job, their shoes, their money, their boyfriend or girlfriend, their lifestyle ... is on some level that you haven't even ever heard of. The truth is that no one else could live your life. Nobody else - man or woman - could wake up and put on your shoes in the morning. Nobody else could pull it off. So own that. Cool is a lie. Cool doesn't matter and it never did. Merely perception.

In conclusion, you are your own torch carrier. Don't let anybody steal your light. Wear what you want. Think how you want. Challenge normal. And yes, even challenge what's "cool".

In total conclusion... We're really excited to be posting the video for "Anklebiters" in a couple of days. This is not an official single release, this is just a video we wanted to have done because of what the song has come to mean for our band. Thanks to all the people who came up on stage with us over the last tour and a half and sang it with us. This song is our way of contributing to the art of self-love and self-acceptance, no matter the odds.

We love you guys and we love you most when you're being yourself.

xxxxx h

[portlandwithyou]

Its so funny that you mentioned Fuse bc I genuinely thought that channel was just a fever dream I had, but back then it played some really good music on it!!!

they did!! I learned about so many cool bands from watching it! Paramore, Saves the Day, Taking Back Sunday, All American Rejects, Say Anything-- the list goes on and on.

They also would highlight like literally any band that had a slot on Warped Tour, even if they weren't very big at the time. So tons of early television segments on huge bands like My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy come from Fuse.

I was also obsessed with their weird talk shows, The Sauce and Steven's Untitled Rock Show. I can pick out old pictures that were from segments on the show and I still follow the aforementioned Steven on twitter. I mean, I remember that The Sauce was the first time I'd ever heard of Death Cab for Cutie and they immediately became one of my favorite bands.

The playlists I've found on Spotify are okay at capturing the vibe, but there's a whole category of "only famous on Fuse" bands that are kinda lost to the sands of time. Like in 2007 or whatever they used to play this band called Eudora and I eventually met them when they were on WT where I gushed like "omg! you're so famous!" and they were like "we are famous to like ten people".

[notebookmusical]

Hi! I'm glad you're feeling better. I know I didn't reply..its been kinda tough lately and I would appreciate some support or good vibes lol. Thanks for putting under the cut as I feel kinda weird when my messages are so long. I hope no one reads them haha. I totally get that about your reading goals cuz I'm also trying to read more books I own this year. I think I told you that before but mostly it will be one I wanna read with one I already own per month...at least. Hopefully I reach my goal of 24..cuz it's 2024 lol but maybe more as well. It's not looking good for January so far for me but hopefully that will change. Haha idk why it stuck out to me but I really don't care about the ratings..I just like reading your tags/commentary. I guess I just generally wanna know if a book is good or not. I was also thinking of getting on goodreads/story graph soon so I can track my reading too but I'll have to see. Everything i never told you always interested me I think so tell me if it's worth checking out. Your goal overall makes sense..you shouldn't pressure yourself to read more than you want or something you're not enjoying. I will update you whenever I get back to it.

Well I wanted to see it this weekend if I can or maybe until Tuesday. If not, then I won't have time really. So I will let you know. Usually I see all musicals in theaters and that's the only movies I go to theaters for but it's just a blah time right now and they were all close together. What did your friend think? I'm sure Broadway is better so not expecting much. Things have been pretty mixed overall and I saw you listened to the soundtrack anyway and hated it lol. Those are all good musicals, but I haven't listened to Shucked yet. I've heard independently owned and watched the Tony performance though. I'm not sure I would like it as much as other musicals honestly based on the music.

What are your favorite songs from This is Why? After Laughter is good but has a few skips for me compared to This is Why, but it could be that This is Why is only ten songs. Haha that's funny that your friends guessed that but ya it definitely is a more poppy sound if you like that style. It's also really good and can't choose favorites. I actually saw your post first cuz it was before I checked anything! I always think it's so interesting when other bands cover or reimagine a tribute album. This happened with Switchfoot last year when Top covered a song and I heard the original for the first time then the cover album. So I will probably do the same for this! I'm familiar with Burning down the house of course so I'm excited to see Hayley slay vocals and her take on it. I remember watching the pro shot of American Utopia but barely remember it. Anyway Tegan and Sara also did that with the anniversary of their album The Con and Hayley sang my fav song by them called Nineteen, another age song lol. I love her cover and also the original. I'm not sure if you are familiar with them or not..but they are twin sisters and I've loved them for years. They are also friends with Taylor and sang as a guest on the Red tour. You probably have..they had some popular songs around that time. They also have a memoir and show based on it I've been meaning to read/watch. Apparently they weren't as close as teens..lol. But I totally recommend their music if you haven't..the Con and they had an album in 2022 I enjoyed. So that was a little off topic..sorry, but Paramore also did this with their own album This is Why a few months ago! They asked artists to remix or sing their version of one of their songs. The only one I really enjoy is Remi Wolfs cover of You First honestly but I think it's a cool thing to do. She changed the vibes a bit but I still like the original more. They also had an extra song on there that was basically a vault song from After Laughter called Sanity so I think you would like it and give it a listen. I definitely connect You First and Karma as a pair, which shocked me when I first heard it since it mentioned karma, but one is more happy and one is more angry.

She has worn a few more green outfits since I last replied to you which makes me happy. The snake boots seemed like a hint even if I don't always like reading into her clothing so much but we mostly knew it was next anyway. I definitely know how you feel with Taylor and I have felt a little bit of the same but I'm hoping my mood will change when tour starts again or rep comes out. I still think there will be a documentary for all of that hopefully and it could be similar to the long pond one or just cover several different things, including the tour, rerecordings and this era of her career. I think After Laughter does kinda share the same sound of the 1975 too but that's also cuz they all had albums around the same time in 2014 so it could be the popular sound from that time but it's a cool comparison since I like them all. I'm glad you enjoy my comparisons..I'm wondering if they only make sense to me so I hope it makes sense to you too if you start listening. Another thing is their early albums focus on faith and religion as a theme but it's not necessary to interpret it that way if it bothers you. I also wanted to ask if you've heard any songs by them or are familiar with them at all cuz they were also popular in 2015 lol. I hope you're having a good weekend too and I'll try to reply soon!

hi friend!! please don't feel bad about not replying, or taking care of yourself!! 🤍 i'm sending you all the love and support and good vibes, and am always here if you want to chat or need anything!! giving you a big virtual hug if you like hugs and putting the rest of this under the cut!!

yay for reading books from your physical tbr! i've been trying to do the same — the bulk of my physical tbr is mostly gifted reads that i just ... never got around to, but there's still a fair amount of books /i/ bought and haven't read, so i'm trying to do a few of those every month! you're always welcome to ask me about my thoughts on books, even if i don't post a rating on here!! you should definitely join me over on goodreads/storygraph! i am a lot more active on goodreads than i am storygraph, though! i really, really loved everything i never told you — it's the first book that's made me cry this year and i really think it's going to be a book i'll be thinking about forever. i already want to reread + annotate it (despite how long annotation projects take me). here are the content warnings: death, death by drowning, emotional abuse, sexism, sexual assault (briefly mentioned), hitting & punching, and racism, infidelity.

most of my friends who have seen the mean girls musical movie were like 😵‍💫 ... well ... it wasn't as bad as i expected ... but i did readjust my expectations after listening to the soundtrack. i think the consensus is that the girl who plays cady is simply miscast / the weakest link, like she's just vocally not ... as good ... and i really am just ... not to be a Snob ... but why did they cast her if she can't sing!!!! my entire tiktok FYP right now is criticizing her stupid with love :( i don't have anything against the actress, i just don't think she was right for the role / that they could've gotten someone who can act + sing. i also don't love the new song, but maybe it'll work better in the movie? curious to know your thoughts when you see it (no rush!).

i really liked liar, big man, little dignity, and the news, although i've had this is why stuck in my head today so maybe i have to add that song to my favorites list too! i really am a pop girlie at heart, so i think that's why after laughter is my favorite! i know of teagan and sara, but haven't done a deep dive! i did see the remix and i thought that was cool! if you could pick one of taylor's albums to be ~ remixed ~ and sung by other artists, which album would you pick? and do you have any artists in particular you'd want on it?

she's been wearing a lot of green lately! i wonder if reputation really will be announced in february (going back to the karma MV hint). and yes! i think after laughter and the 1975's stuff both have this like, upbeat music but talks about more serious/heavier topics? which is why i also connected the two! i think a few of my friends listened to twenty one pilots back in the day / sometimes i see them on airbuds, but i don't think i know a single song! but maybe something will jump out at me once i actually listen!!

hope you're taking some time for yourself and doing okay 🤍 sending love!

[damnedparker]

hi love <3 could you pretty please write tasm!peter x reader where reader is gwen’s sibling and peter has a crush on them (like maybe gwen and peter are just friends or whatever u like) maybe reader could be like the complete opposite of gwen like maybe reader plays bass and wears a lot of black or something like that!!

i talked too much! anyway please and thank u! have a good day

u hit me right in my weak spot, this is a pairing i adore!! and u could never talk too much dont worry <3 i'm gonna set this up with everyone being in college, gwen is still alive because i said so!! :]

The first time Peter meets you, he's up late studying with Gwen for their midterms.

And, boy, when Peter saw you, he fell fast and hard like he had been knocked off of a roof onto solid concrete.

You had come in later in the night, around 11:30 or so, smelling vaguely of beer and sweat from the pit, which was not attractive, but the pout on your face when you popped through Gwen's room to use her shower (after a bit of bargaining to get her to let you do so) stole Peter's heart almost immediately.

While you were showering, he tried as casually as possible (not very successfully, Gwen wasn't stupid), to ask quite a handful of questions about who you were, why Gwen had never told him about her older sibling, and why you were so pretty and so cool with your leather jacket coming home late from a punk show like this was a goddamn movie or something.

Once you'd come out of the shower, in an oversized Smashing Pumpkins shirt, the logo cracked and worn from years of love, with pajama shorts peeking out from the hem, Peter swore he was having an out of body experience.

You had to ask him twice if he wanted some tacos 'cause you'd ordered too many in a hungry blur as you came home from the concert. He said yes. Because spider-boy metabolism.

The interaction between the two of you was brief and from the outside, completely mundane, but somehow ended in making Peter a nervous, blushing mess.

Something about just how pretty and cool you looked, even in your pajamas with your elaborate makeup all smudged and running a bit from your shower, sent him into a spiral.

You were so cool, repping a different band every time you popped up in his field of vision. Half of what Peter had started listening to after he was around you more often was all bands he'd seen you wearing the shirts of.

Punk, metal, pop punk, alternative, indie, hip hop -- all kinds of genres. But every single time, he was impressed with just how good taste you had.

Most of the music he enjoyed previously was pop punk, sometimes dabbling in classic punk everybody knew like the Ramones, and he had always wished he was as cool as someone like you.

Hence why he never ever in his wildest dreams ever thought you would be anywhere near his league.

He definitely, totally did not start curating a specific playlist to use while at Gwen's so he didn't seem like a dork whenever you passed by.

And he definitely also did not wear his beloved Ramones shirt for almost a month straight as some kind of beacon to get you to notice him.

His feelings were only further cemented in his mind when the two of you actually got to talk for more than a minute, and you were the sweetest person on the planet. So open-minded, cool, and asking what music he was into, since you noticed him and Gwen always had something playing when they were hanging out.

Peter was so nervous, rubbing the back of his neck while he mumbled something about the Ramones, and then, sheepishly, Paramore, something he thought for sure someone with your music prowess would write him off as a lame poser-loser.

But your face lit up and you enthusiastically talked to him about his favorite albums, and even when he mentioned bands you weren't really into you listened intently, with a smile on your face because you loved hearing people talk about what music they enjoyed.

So, Peter pretty much jumped from a crush to being in love with you from the first real conversation you had together.

He made excuses to come over to Gwen's more and more often, hoping to even talk to you just for a few seconds, and one of those nights, when he was pretending to have trouble with an assignment to draw out their study time, he heard it.

A few notes at first, as you tuned your bass, and then full-on launching into a catchy, upbeat bass-line. Peter was frozen, looking up towards the wall your room was against in awe. He couldn't even see you, and he was impressed.

"I can tell them to keep it down--" Gwen started, and Peter nearly yelled no no no, in a far-too excited tone that caused her suspicions to be confirmed. He was staring at the wall with such intensity you'd think he was in love with the plaster.

So, it just so happened that you had a gig with a band you were starting up in the next few weeks, and it just so happened that Gwen was planning on attending, and it just so happened that she managed to pull Peter away from Spider-Man long enough to attend. He was floored.

Peter's gaze was completely glued to you as you jumped around on stage and did spins with your bass while you played happily. You were smiling the whole time, so full of life, and hot.

And he was so distracted by his foggy, lovestruck brain that when you came over afterwards to ask how it was, he didn't respond until you said his name a third time. A dopey grin came over his face and he managed to stutter out a compliment that made you blush. Score.

Peter, somehow, managed to ask if he could buy you a drink, and you said yes so earnestly that his confidence boosted through the roof.

As the two of you sat next to each other, nestled in a booth in a quiet corner, Peter felt his heart soaring, opening up for the first time in a long time.

You had this smile that Peter would never forget, clearly riding the high from coming off stage. He was so focused on it that it was a shock to his nervous system when your hand landed on his bicep as you laughed at some joke he barely noticed he'd said.

He tried his very best to pay attention to the story you were telling him about a recent show you'd been to, but it was so hard when he was already a little tipsy. And it didn't help when that same, blessed hand of yours was slowly making its way down his arm. It brushed gently over his hand, almost accidentally, before resting right next to it on the table.

Oh.

The two of you engaged in that same cat and mouse game all night. Agonizingly light touches as the both of you were too nervous to make a real move. Peter swore he was going to have a stroke.

The two of you left the bar really late, not wanting the night to end. Peter walked you home of course, insisting that he carry your bass for you despite you having done so a thousand times over. But you let him.

And eventually you both came upon your apartment building, fidgeting and standing nervously in front of each other.

As Peter handed you your instrument case back, you managed to blurt out something along the lines of I really like you, do you want to go to a show or get a coffee or something sometime?

Peter immediately accepted, and as you scribbled your phone number on his hand with a Sharpie that you dug from your jacket pocket, he grinned so wide he was afraid his face might split in two.

He was pretty sure it was close to doing so when you pressed a hurried goodnight kiss to his cheek, leaving a black lipstick print of your lips.

He fell asleep that night without washing it off his face.

[feversxmirrors]

unorganized thoughts on yesterday as i drink my black coffee and sit with all the memories:

- alex g is just.. he's fucking incredible. he was side stage most of the time before his set and i couldn't stop glancing over at him and the band and he had this stupid lil bucket hat on and they all chugged a bottle of wine together and talked to tv girl a lot and it was just so cute. i cried during gretel, i think he noticed lol. i really hope he plays in a regular venue here soon bc i need the full experience sooo soso bad

- tv girl was so fucking good!! pantyhose and cigarettes out the window were probably my favorites they played, but i would absolutely kill to see not allowed. regret chugging an agua fresca (that i paid mfing $15 for smfh) and hard seltzers beforehand though bc i had to leave 2/3rds in to run to the bathroom or i would have pissed myself before alex came on but i kinda wish i just pissed myself haha

- speaking of that i'm glad i was buzzed when huddy was playing bc.. yeah self explanatory

- i adore we the kings live, that was probably one of the most fun sets and i felt like i was back at warped tour when they were on

- anthony mfing greeeeeen <3 i don't know much saosin (more a circa and tsoaf and solo listener) but goddamn they were great. makes me mad that they were so early in the day on the main stages bc i would have replaced their set time w taking back sunday's set time fr, they deserved it w how hard they went

- i was so happy we caught adtr's set, we weren't planning to but it was a huge nostalgia bomb and they know how to fucking work a crowd, and they played all my old favorites

- okay.. major thing. major. i of course was so fucking elated to see bright eyes live for the first time when i've been waiting to see conor my whole life pretty much. i cried mad during their set, i felt the biggest part of my heart soar when they played easy/lucky/free. but i fucking hate that it was in this setting. i felt so fucking bad for him, for the festival people treating him like shit, for the crowd treating him like shit. he was so fucked up during the set that it was majorly concerning. i've never seen him in an angry kind of drunk. it broke my heart to see him look like that, to see him forget the words and slurring his speech so bad and for being so self deprecating and mad. the whole time during and after i just really fucking hoped he was okay. it makes me feel selfish to hope that i can see them again in a different setting but like.. i can't think of that being my bright eyes experience at the same time yanno.

- on a brighter note, FUCKING BMTH!!! i want to kiss oli sykes holy shit they were so cool their set slapped so haaard (even though nitpicky but i wish they played more older jams). i think jacs and i pretty much held the energy of 100 ppl bc no one moved around us or jammed at all and it was disappointing we got stuck around ppl waiting for paramore and mcr but i didn't even care bc i was having the Time of my Life jamming to shadow moses. this is sempiternal!!!

- ohhhh paramore, beloveds, babies, angels, precious souls. i have so many things to say but i can't even comprehend how great they are. everything about them. hayley and zac just know that you are a huge reason i am the person i am today and i am forever grateful for that <3

- lastlyyy THE GARDEN!!! i'm so sad we didn't see the first half of their set but i went full on bonkers when we got to them. the pit was so fucking good and i love them all so so much thank you for ending the night on the perfect note!!!

[spicycreativity]

A Place Where I Can Breathe - Ch 2

Chapter: 2/7 Additional Notes: See Ch 1 for more information. Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick." Formatting/italics errors are holdovers from AO3 that I was too lazy to fix. Chapter Content Warnings: Brief depiction of light dissociation Excerpt: Roman had already transformed the living room: metallic streamers of purple and black stretched across the corners of the ceiling, and shiny balloons spelling out A-N-X-E-I-T-Y hovered above the TV. "Uh, Princey?" Virgil said, tilting his head at them, but Roman wasn't listening. "Don't tell him," Logan advised, shoving down his own annoyance at the error.

Virgil peeled another poster off the wall and laid it down on his bare mattress. Without the sticky tack pinning it flat, it rolled itself back up into a tube shape. Quietly singing along to the music blasting from his speakers, Virgil adjusted it and rolled a purple rubber band down to its center. Then he put it with the rest of his posters, in an open-topped cardboard box exactly identical to the ones he’d been imagining up as necessary. The weight of his newly blank walls bore down on him hard and he chewed absentmindedly at his thumbnail before catching himself. He clenched his hands into fists instead and worried at his lower lip as he surveyed what was left of his room.

It would have been faster and easier to ask Roman for an assist. He could have had Virgil’s entire room moved (and renovated) in less time than it took him to wave his hands. And he would wave his hands, and give a self-aggrandizing little speech, and hold it over Virgil’s head until he found something else to congratulate himself for.

So, no, despite their fledgling alliance, despite the direct invitation, Virgil wouldn’t be asking Roman for favors anytime soon. And besides (not that he would ever admit it out loud), there was something undeniably grounding, something real, about doing the work with his hands. He just hoped his empty room would take the hint and follow him upstairs.

As he worked, he became aware of eyes on him. It was a slow dawning, an uncomfortable tingle in his spine that morphed into a full-body itch. Spite kept him from turning to look, focused on packing away the meager contents of his closet. He knew that Janus would come, and he was determined to not care. Let him face the consequences of his actions for once in his life.

From the doorway, Janus watched. He watched Virgil reverently fold imaginary band tees he would never have the courage to wear. He watched Virgil ignore him. He watched Virgil prepare to forsake the only family he had ever known.

The uneasy stalemate grew more tense by the second until they were both buckling under the weight of words unsaid.

It was Janus who broke first. Where the embers of Virgil's anger could smolder endlessly in his chest, Janus' temper reared up at the slightest provocation and struck with its fangs, and would not be satisfied until the threat was gone. "Tell me you didn't actually buy that little 'family' act."

Virgil's knuckles went white around the Paramore shirt he'd been folding. If Janus had come to patch things up, he was making a mess of it. "There's nothing to buy. They're not liars upstairs." He didn’t need to add ‘unlike here ;’ it went both unsaid and mutually understood.

Janus narrowed his eyes and doubled down in his attempt to make Virgil catch his meaning. "It's awfully sweet that you want to think that, but let's not forget that your precious Patton is the whole reason you're down here with the rejects in the first place."

"Yeah? Well, he’s also the main reason I’m heading up now.” Virgil resumed folding up his shirt. There was no sense in letting Janus upset him, not when it was Virgil who had the upper hand. He had made his decision.

"Yes, and I’m sure he and Roman weren't just being nice to spare their own feelings.”

Virgil was quiet for a long moment, methodically re-folding the shirt and placing it into the box with the others. "Would it kill you to just be happy for me?" he demanded, turning back to his closet without sparing so much as a glance at Janus. He stared at the few remaining shirts without really seeing them, heart hammering against his ribcage. He had been hoping to slip out quietly and let Janus cool down. Despite last night’s tension, he really hadn't intended to burn any bridges. But since Janus was being so generous with the kerosene…

In the doorway, Janus straightened. He dropped his hands to his sides, staring at Virgil like he'd never seen him before. Something uncomfortably like defeat crawled up his spine. "So you really think this is going to end well for you?" It went against his nature to speak plainly; even now the truth metamorphosed painfully on his tongue, becoming a venom-drenched mockery of itself.

Virgil had never liked the process of drawing the truth out of Janus. It always involved effort on one of their parts, and too often Virgil was the one left untangling the knots when Janus was the one who had tied them. He was just about sick of it. So he left the truth raveled up inside Janus' words and grabbed a shirt at random from his closet. "Yeah. I do."

Janus faltered and went still. Virgil could see it out of the corner of his eye, and the sick sense of satisfaction made him smirk. He really was tired of the eternal chess match that came with talking to Janus and it felt good to score a point for himself.

When Janus felt cornered, he struck. But this ? Virgil hadn't cornered him, he'd boxed him in . There was nothing to strike at. Just blank white walls and the chemical odor of lighter fluid.

For a moment, there was no sound but Virgil's music. Virgil imagined another T-shirt to fold. MCR. Long sleeves. Soft jersey under his hands.

Janus knew perfectly well what Virgil wanted from him. But courage wasn't in his function; neither was vulnerability. He stood still in the doorway. No motion but the rise and fall of his chest, the twitch of his irises as he watched Virgil tape up his box of T-shirts. It should have been an easy choice: his pride for Virgil's friendship. But the scales pitched and swung and refused to balance, and Janus was silent.

"Tell me why you came here," Virgil dared him, searching for yet another reason to not look Janus in the eye. He settled for imagining a Sharpie so he could label his boxes.

Janus was silent.

"I know you wanted something."

Silent.

"Say it."

Silent.

"Then go."

Silent.

Janus turned on his heel and walked away. Resentment bloomed in his chest. Virgil had gone for a weak spot on purpose, had set Janus up to lose one of two things he held dear. Let him leave, then. If it turned out to be a mistake, they would find out soon enough. And if it didn't, well…

At least Janus had his pride.

Virgil scoffed at the sight of Janus slinking away like a cat, head high and shoulders back.

Virgil had never expected to lose Janus, but he supposed it did make sense that things would end this way: not with the cheap words he threw around like a high-roller's banknotes, but with a chill and deadly silence.

"Whatever," Virgil said to no one. He picked up one of his boxes and headed for the stairs.

Janus was nowhere to be found; Virgil figured he was probably sulking in his room with the lights off, plucking at threads that would never hold knots.

That, or planning some sort of revenge. Virgil tried not to shudder. After all, there wasn't really anything Janus could do to him, not when Virgil had this much conviction in his decision. Janus preyed on insecurities, driving wedges of doubts into the cracks that already existed in the foundations of long-held beliefs. And Virgil had allowed himself no doubts. Not today. Not about this.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice Remus on the stairs.

Remus had been making no effort to hide, but, realizing that Virgil was going to pass by without noticing him, sprang forward to block his path. "Boo!"

"Fuck!" Virgil flinched and pulled the box in tighter to his chest. He glared at Remus and took in a few deep breaths, leaning against the bannister while he waited for his head to stop spinning. "What was that for?"

"Take a wild guess, Little Boy Boohoo." Remus slapped the top of the box just hard enough to make the contents shift and rattle, rage boiling in his chest. "Y'know, when you said you got Raptured, I didn't think you'd actually go through with it."

"Remus, come on." Sadness ached in the back of Virgil's throat. He hadn't wanted this. For all that Janus and Remus had teased him about spending time upstairs, he hadn't expected this kind of anger from either of them, was still reeling from their unabashed hostility. They were friends . Well. They used to be.

"Cum on what?" Remus asked, leaning in. "Your face? Your tits?" Fire blazed in his eyes and he made no effort to quell it; he wanted Virgil scared . It served him right for picking Roman.

Virgil seemed to read his mind. "You know I'm not choosing them over you guys, I just-- I can be friends with all of you. I can help. ”

"No," Remus said, meaning every word of it. "You can't."

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, forcing down his doubts. "But you guys are the ones making me choose. I-- Look, I'm sure if I told them how much you mean to me--"

"They'd start inviting us up for tea and orgies?" Remus bared his teeth. "Face it, Virgil. They want to change us just like they changed you," he bit the air in front of Virgil's face, "into a toothless little lap dog. And the second you stop playing by their rules, it's back in the dungeon with the rest of us wolves. And you know what wolves get: Dark screens and pens out of ink and knots that won't stay tied."

"Maybe I don't like being a wolf," Virgil said, sticking with the metaphor out of habit. It usually made Remus happy to have his ideas acknowledged. "Maybe I'm changing for my own sake."

Remus sneered at him, aiming to wound. "Patton must give really good head."

"Get out of my way," Virgil said, fury burning cold in his lungs. "I'll be back down soon for the rest of my stuff."

Remus stepped aside, but planted his boot on the railing opposite the wall before Virgil could take so much as a single step. Nothing about Remus could be repressed or contained, not his anger, not his glee, not even his sadness. It escaped now, despite his best efforts to get a leash on it. "I just never thought it would be you."

"What do you mean?" Virgil asked, studying Remus' wistful face. His heart gave a dangerous lurch. "Actually? I don't care. Move."

Remus let his boot drop with a heavy thud, forcing Virgil to step over it. "You're making a mistaaaake," he called after Virgil, pitching his voice up in a shrill sing-song lilt. A parting gift to the traitor.

Virgil winced, but kept walking. If he was making a mistake, at least it was his mistake to make.

At the top of the stairs, he batted at the doorknob until it turned enough to allow him to fall through the door. He kicked it shut behind him and paused to catch his breath.

Then Roman popped up from the couch, sweeping a hand through his hair. "Hey there, 5 Seconds of Bummer."

"Jesus!" Virgil jumped and fell back against the wall, chest aching.

"Careful, don't let Elder Patton hear you say that. What's with the box?" Roman looked Virgil up and down, examining the coal black eyeshadow and the way he cowered against the wall. Whatever he was doing, he seemed unharmed, if a little freaked out. Not that that was unusual.

"I'm moving," Virgil said, only just managing to hold back a sarcastic ' genius .'

"Really?" Roman's smile was so bright it was almost dazzling. "Say no more!" He straightened, puffing out his chest. "Let's see, where should we put you?" He paused, drawing mental pictures. "By Logan, I think. Right across from yours truly.”

Virgil squinted at him, but he realized Roman’s intent a moment too late. "Oh, I don't--"

"Shh." Roman focused on his desired effect, pictured Virgil's room and all its contents moving upstairs. He would have a bright purple door with a black iron door knob. Oh, and a little 'keep out' sign with a skull on it. And a new bedspread with purple patches, to match his hoodie. And of course, he couldn't forget Virgil's actual possessions (whatever they were) right where they were supposed to be. "There!"

Virgil ducked his head and raised his eyebrows, dropping his hands to his sides now that he had no box to hold up. He almost mourned the loss of it, the comforting weight on his chest. "'There'?" he repeated.

Roman beamed at him. "I moved your room for you!" Virgil opened his mouth, Roman assumed to complain about his precious privacy or whatever, so Roman raised a hand to stop him. "Now, now, no need to thank me." He paused, thinking it over, and regretted his choice of words. "No, wait, do."

"Uh, how about I hold off on that until I actually see my room?" Virgil stared expectantly at Roman, who bounced on his toes. "Lead on, Macduff."

"That's not the line and you know it," Roman complained, but he turned to lead Virgil to his room. "It's ' lay on, Macduff,' and--"

"Yeah, yeah," Virgil interrupted, already regretting his teasing. "And then they fight."

"Don't tempt me, " Roman said. Then he winced. "Ah, like, friendly fighting! Between bros! Good, old-fashioned, manly sword fighting between two dudes…" He paused to take a breath, faltering, hoping for a rescue that did not come, "who are friends. Friendly sword dudes." He cleared his throat and repeated, "Friendly sword dudes."

Behind him, Virgil smiled. For all his boasting, Roman really was trying to be more pleasant. Maybe Virgil should try to extend a hand as well. Unfortunately, "Sure," was all he could manage.

He followed Roman across the living room and up another set of stairs until they came upon a long corridor lined on either side with doors. "It's like a hotel," Virgil observed.

"Go in already." Roman nudged Virgil with his hip.

Virgil resisted the urge to smack him, reminding himself that Roman wouldn't know he was just playing. Instead, he shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets and walked down the hallway to his door. "It's purple."

"Oh, good, you're not colorblind."

"Was that a big concern for you?" Virgil didn't wait for a response before pulling the door open and examining his room. Everything seemed fine, from his band posters to his pet spider in its terrarium. Everything aside from the bedspread.

Roman kept glancing between it and Virgil, wiggling in excitement. "Well?"

"Um, yeah." Virgil forced a smile. "It looks nice. Thanks, Princey. I, uh. I like the purple."

"I knew you would!" Roman gave himself a round of applause and pushed past Virgil, throwing himself down on the bed. "Come feel. The purple patches are fleece."

"Okay…" Virgil crossed the room, trying not to look as tense as he felt. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and put his hand down on the fleece, mind frustratingly blank. "Yeah, that's soft."

Roman nodded in satisfaction. "So," he said, "how does it feel?"

"...Soft?" Virgil repeated, flicking his eyes to Roman's face for just a moment.

"Not the comforter." Roman sighed. "Your great escape! You're finally free from Bialysnake and Doom."

Virgil tilted his head. "Not your best work," he said, mostly to avoid answering the question.

"Oh, everyone's a critic." Roman examined his nails. "But come on, doesn't it feel better to know you won't have to deal with those freaks anymore? I can't even imagine how you made it this long, and that's saying a lot for me. Thank goodness you let us rescue you."

Virgil forced back the instinctive wave of anger that Roman would talk about his friends that way. They weren ' t friends anymore. And maybe it would feel good to vent a little. "I'm glad to be gone," Virgil said with conviction, imagining Janus and Remus listening at the door. "It's gonna be really nice not having to deal with all the mind games and, and random tangents and… weird communication problems."

"Go, Virgil!" Roman said, a little surprised at Virgil's candor. "That really must have been Hell for you."

Virgil, as a rule, avoided lying. Even white lies made him feel sick and panicky. But for just one incandescent moment, he lost control of his temper and let the bonfire blaze in his chest and the smoke pour out of his mouth. "Yeah." If he said it out loud, maybe he could make himself believe it. Maybe he could crush the remaining ache of betrayal, the longing for his friends. "It was Hell. I'm not going to miss them at all."

Roman gave a low whistle "I'm glad we got you out of there."

"Lucky me." Virgil rubbed his fingertips along a patch of fleece as guilt, cloying and viscous, lapped at the back of his throat.

It was funny, he thought, reflecting on the look of earnest conviction in Roman's eyes. When Janus said that 3 plus 3 equaled 7, he was getting at something. When Roman said that 3 plus 3 equaled 7, he believed it. That could be a dangerous combination someday. Maybe it was better like this. Now Virgil was in a better position to keep Roman and the others safe from whatever vengeance Janus and Remus might choose to inflict upon them.

"Hey," said Virgil, shaking himself out of his thoughts. "Maybe we should get out of here. Y'know, before you go all--"

"Fright Night?" Roman frowned, bored with the idea. "That's so last episode. Can't you just turn it off?" Almost to himself, he muttered, "A nifty little Roman trick."

"Turn off my anxiety?" Virgil repeated, incredulous.

"No, no, of course not." Roman waved a hand to dismiss the idea. "Just make your room a little less kooky, spooky, and ooky." He snapped his fingers twice.

"No?" said Virgil.

"Let's see." Roman indicated the switch on the wall he had just dreamed up. "Go ahead. Pull the lever, Anxiety!"

Virgil rolled his eyes. "It's not a lever."

"I could make it a lever," Roman said, a touch petulant. "A long one, too, so you can walk into it and jab yourself right in the ribs every time you try to turn the lights on."

"Alright, I get it," Virgil put up his hands placatingly. "I'm sorry I talked bad about your anxiety lightswitch." He got to his feet and flipped the switch, all the while staring expectantly at Roman. "Feel anything?"

"Profoundly unchanged." Roman stood up as well and rocked forward onto his toes. "Ah, well. I guess I wasn't in here long enough to tell the difference. Suppose that's why we leave the nerdy science stuff to the Great Logician."

“Where are the others, anyway?” Virgil asked, longing for an escape from one-on-one conversation. His nerves were already starting to fray.

“I don’t know.” Roman leaned against the wall and fidgeted with one of Virgil’s decorative spiderwebs. “Logan’s probably holed up in his room making a spreadsheet of Thomas’ vitamin deficiencies or something equally as boring.”

“And Patton?”

“I don’t know, man, it’s not like I keep them under surveillance.” Roman rolled his eyes, annoyed with the questioning. "I suppose I should summon them up to say hello." He gave Virgil a sidelong glance.

Virgil shrugged. "I don't really care either way, to be honest. But maybe don't bother them if they're busy "

Roman wasn't listening. "Let's see, probably shouldn't do it in your room… To the hallway!" He bounded out the door leaving Virgil to follow him at a shuffle.

It was fine, Virgil had to keep reminding himself. Roman meant well, and maybe his antics would keep Patton from rolling out the welcome wagon. The thought of special treatment made Virgil's toes curl. Just because he didn't want to be insulted all the time didn't mean he needed to be babie d.

Roman's voice cut through the noise in Virgil's head and he planted his hands on his hips. "You're not listening to me at all, are you?"

Virgil gave a fake smile. "I got caught up in the sound of your voice."

"Hm, well." Roman sniffed, playing the part. "My talents are wasted on buzzkill philistines." He paused. "Buzzkill-istines."

Virgil only made a face, so Roman sighed and brought up his arms to summon Patton and Logan, proclaiming as he did so, "Look who I rescued from the dungeon!"

"Hey," said Virgil, bristling, but the chaos was already underway.

"Yay!" Patton threw his arms out wide. "It's Anxiety!"

"You never say 'yay,' when I come around,” Roman complained.

"Hi, Patton," Virgil said, not wanting to be rude.

Logan chimed in, "Roman, it would be incredibly disruptive if Patton said 'yay' every time you entered a shared space--"

"I didn't ask for a read , you pirated nerd processor. I'm just saying a little appreciation would be nice."

"Anxiety is our guest !"

Patton still had his arms out. Virgil caught his eye. "Was that-- Is that for a hug or…?"

"Only if you want one!" Patton said.

Roman threw his hands up in frustration. "It's like I'm not even here! You never offer me hugs."

"If you are referring to Patton, he hugged you three times yesterday by my count." Logan paused and pushed up his glasses. "Possibly more times than that, if I wasn't present to witness them."

"Aw, Roman, did you want a hug, too? Group hug?"

"I would prefer not to--"

"No, no, that's quite alright."

"Does anybody want a hug? 'Cause my arms are getting tired."

" I don't," Roman said, obviously pouting.

Virgil pressed his fingertips to his forehead, exasperated. Then he stepped away from Roman and let Patton hug him like he obviously wanted to.

It was hard for Virgil to not shudder at the sudden heat and weight on him. With his senses already open and taking in more information than his brain seemed to want to process, touch was an added stressor, more unwanted sensory input.

But it was important to Patton, and his voice was genuine when he said, "Thank you."

"Ugh, enough already!" Roman said, dropping his arms so he could cross them again. "Isn't anyone going to congratulate me for rescuing our dark-and-stormy damsel?"

Virgil seized upon the opportunity to slip out of Patton's arms and step a healthy distance away. "I'm sorry, which part was the rescue? Was it the part where you ambushed me in the living room and took my stuff?"

"Roman, it's not nice to take what doesn't belong to you," Patton said.

"No, Padre. Ugh." Roman groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "I helped him move all his stuff."

"That does explain the new violet variance," Logan said, nodding at Virgil's door.

Roman muttered, "That doesn't make sense; you just wanted an excuse to use alliteration," but it was barely audible under the sound of Patton screeching in delight.

"Uh," said Virgil, wide-eyed. "How long do you think he's gonna go?"

"Three," said Logan, unphased.

"What?"

"Two."

"And one," Roman said.

Patton drew in a deep breath. "Kiddo! You're gonna live with us now?"

"Yep," Virgil said, ducking his head.

"This is so exciting! We have to celebrate!"

"We really don't," Virgil muttered, backing into the wall. The last thing he wanted was--

"A party!" Roman said, driving his fist into his open palm. If he couldn't be the object of adoration, then he could at least be in charge of something.

Virgil sighed, swallowing back a swear. He suddenly longed for the safe familiarity of Janus' gentle taunts and Remus' wild-eyed enthusiasm. He had grown so used to people knowing his limits, to having his needs anticipated and boundaries accounted for.

It crossed his mind to flee, to run back down the stairs into the basement with apologies on his lips. At least his old demons were familiar ones. He knew how to handle it when Remus got too wild or when Janus got sulky and jealous. And the ache, the ache of being so cruel, well, he knew how to ride that out too.

What Virgil did not know how to handle was the rambunctious enthusiasm of three (well, two) optimists who were far too excited about being his friends.

Oh.

Realization and guilt slammed into Virgil's chest, a flying tackle of empathy. All Patton and Roman wanted to do was be his friends, and Virgil had the nerve to be put off by it.

He shook himself and tuned back into the conversation just in time for Roman to address him directly, "And you just have to sit there and look pretty." A beat. "Pretty scary." Patton turned his disapproving gaze on Roman, who was already in the process of trying to extricate his foot from his mouth. "Ah, um, pretty… scarily… pretty . Because it scares us… how pretty you look."

Virgil decided to let that one go as a show of goodwill.  "...Thanks."

"Yep," Roman said, utterly failing to stick the landing. "Anyway, enough talk! We have festivities to attend to!"

He sank out, and Patton after him, until it was just Virgil and Logan in the hall.

"I do not understand him," Logan admitted.

Virgil just shook his head, privately wondering if the same placating behavior that worked on Remus would work on Roman too. "Just go with it, I guess."

Logan nodded. "Before we join the others, I did want to tell you: Please do not hesitate to ask if there's something I can help you with."

"Hesitating is the name of my game," Virgil said, misunderstanding.

Logan adjusted his glasses, hiding his confusion behind his hand. "Perhaps that was a poor choice of words. I only meant that--"

It clicked for Virgil. "I get it, Logan. Thank you."

"You are welcome, Anxiety. I believe your presence here will be of benefit to us all." Logan sank out, studiously avoiding eye contact.

Virgil sank out after him, suddenly terrified at the idea of being alone with his thoughts.

Roman had already transformed the living room: metallic streamers of purple and black stretched across the corners of the ceiling, and shiny balloons spelling out A-N-X-E-I-T-Y hovered above the TV.

"Uh, Princey?" Virgil said, tilting his head at them, but Roman wasn't listening.

"Don't tell him," Logan advised, shoving down his own annoyance at the error.

"Just go with it," Virgil repeated, a reminder for the both of them.

"Took you two long enough!" Roman shouted from the kitchen. "Professor Necktie, get in here and help Patton with the measuring cups."

"I got it!" Patton exclaimed. "A third of a cup and a fourth of a cup are pretty much the same thing, right?"

"Oh," said Logan, already in motion. "No."

"What about me?" Virgil asked.

Roman popped his head through the kitchen doorway, nearly knocking into Logan. "I already told you, Sweet Coraline--"

"Da, da, da," Patton chimed in.

"--just sit there and look--"

"Scary."

"Is it Interrupt Roman Day?" Roman threw his head back and rolled his eyes.

"No," said Logan, before realizing the question was rhetorical.

"Wait," said Virgil, "So I'm just supposed to sit by myself in the living room while you guys…" He tried to remember what Roman had said before, but he really hadn't been listening.

"While I bake and Patton tries to drink vanilla extract," Logan said.

There was a sound suspiciously like a small plastic bottle hitting a formica countertop. "Uh, Roman, why don't you keep Virgil company?" Patton suggested. "You know what they say about too many cooks. Or… bakers, I guess."

"What do they say?"

"I don't remember! You'll have to chef back with me later."

Virgil winced. Roman shot him a commiserating look. "Fine, I guess we can both sit and look pretty. Comes naturally to me anyway."

"Great," Virgil said.

"Well, Simple Plan, do you want anything to drink while I'm up?"

"'Simple Plan'?" Virgil repeated, confused. "That one wasn't even a real nickname, you just named an emo band."

"Look, I can't be on all the time." Roman made a face. "Do you want a drink or not?"

"Could I have a coffee?"

"Coffee?" Roman stared at him. "It's 2:00 pm!"

"Oh, so there's a wrong answer?"

"Alright, alright. How do you take it?"

"With milk."

Roman nodded. "How much?"

"What?"

"How much milk?"

"I don't know, I don't measure it out," Virgil tried to keep the incredulous look off his face but couldn't quite manage it. "Just, y'know, with milk."

" How much milk, Virgil?"

"I don't know!" Virgil put up his hands. "Until it's a nice beige color."

"How beige?"

"What do you mean 'how beige'? Beige is beige!"

"Alright, fine," Roman huffed. "But you're not allowed to complain if it's wrong."

"Deal," Virgil said, nodding.

Roman turned to go back in the kitchen and Virgil threw himself down on the couch with a huff. Roman got wound up about the weirdest things.

Unlike Virgil, who only got wound up about normal things, like if the person at the door was really the pizza delivery person, or if they were secretly an assassin sent to kill Thomas.

Reasonable fears.

Virgil ran his hands down his face and sighed. Despite his earlier desire to be alone, and despite the reassuring sounds of controlled chaos from the kitchen, doubt crept into the corners of his mind.

He bounced his leg and tried not to look at the door to the basement. The living room and kitchen were technically common areas, even if the so-called 'Dark' sides usually kept clear of them.

Janus or Remus could burst in at any second and ruin everything. Roman, at least, seemed to be under the impression that Virgil had hated every waking moment as a Dark Side. If he ever found out that they had been friends...

Virgil forced himself to take several deep breaths. Everything would be fine. Roman, Logan, and Patton were his friends , and they wouldn't judge him for how he had acted before.

...Unless they did .

"Coffee!" Roman said, barreling into the living room with far too much confidence for someone holding a full coffee mug.

"Jeeze!" Virgil jumped and clutched at his chest, his pulse hammering against his hands. "Stop doing that!"

"Stop entering rooms?" Roman said sarcastically. He sat down next to Virgil on the couch and set a coffee mug on a mismatched saucer down on the coffee table. "There."

"Thanks," Virgil said. He thought about teasing Roman for having made it the wrong shade of beige, but decided against it. They were still getting used to each other and Virgil didn't know how far he could push without hurting Roman's feelings. "What about you?"

Roman held out his hand and he was suddenly holding a champagne flute full of sparkling water. "Don't you worry about me."

There was a crash from the kitchen, followed by a blithe "oops!" from Patton and a long sigh from Logan.

"How about them?" Virgil asked. "Can I worry about them ?"

Roman waved a hand and sat back. "I guess worrying is your job."

"Yep," said Virgil, glancing again at the basement door.

They fell silent for a moment, but Roman was never one to leave an awkward silence untouched. "So, what do you usually do for fun? Or was it more of a Cinderella situation?"

"You really think I'd take that kind of treatment lying down?" Virgil asked.

"Okay, so, what? Do you practice your eyeshadow for hours on end? Write angsty poetry?"

Virgil sighed, thinking about all the things he couldn't give away. "I mean, I guess I listen to music?"

"That's a great idea!" Roman said, a little too quickly and loudly. He waved his hand at the TV. "Go… Plug your phone into that, make it do the thing."

Virgil got up and began fumbling with the assorted wires at the back of the TV. "Are you sure? It's not exactly party music."

"Well, it's your party." Roman smiled. "You call the shots. And…" He hesitated, embarrassed. "Well, you know. We appreciate you, scary screamo-emo music and all."

After a fair amount of fiddling with the remote and plugging random cords into random sockets, Virgil finally got his phone hooked up to the TV.

"There!" Roman said happily, flashing his teeth again. " Now it's a party!"

Virgil sat back down on the couch and tried to make a pleasant face back. He had hoped that the music would make him feel more at ease, but all it did was bring back painful memories of bass filtering down into the basement, of complaining with Remus and Janus about their upstairs compatriots' taste in music.

Even now, the bass crawled into him and buzzed painfully against his bones, vibrating in his skull. With his heart already racing from the caffeine, the throb in his chest became almost painful. Virgil stared, wide-eyed, at the floor trying to keep his breathing in check. If he could just focus on what Roman was saying…

What was Roman saying? Virgil watched his lips move, but all he could hear was the thrum of the bass. Was this even real?

It took Roman a long moment to realize that Virgil wasn't listening, his attention turned inwards rather than outwards. Realization came with an unpleasant twist of concern in his stomach. Virgil was staring at the floor, his eyeshadow a sickly gray.

All thoughts of irritation and playful pouting fled Roman's mind in an instant. "Uh, hey. You okay?"

Virgil took too long to respond. "...Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He blinked hard, drummed his fingers against his temple. Awareness came back to him, marginally less unpleasant than it had been before. "Do you… do you mind if I turn the music down?" Surely that was no great transgression.

"Sure, be my guest" Roman said, truly ambivalent. He smiled a little and hummed to himself as Virgil fumbled with the remote.

"Hey, kiddos!" Patton stumbled out of the kitchen, Logan's hand firm between his shoulder blades. "Logan says I'm not allowed in the kitchen anymore." He smiled, unbothered, and sandwiched himself between Virgil and Roman on the couch. "Is this okay?" he asked Virgil.

"Yeah," said Virgil, unsure if he meant it. He leaned a little into Patton's side and decided it was okay. More than okay. Where it had overwhelmed him before, the gentle warmth of Patton's proximity now grounded him and calmed him down.

Like…

Like Remus did.

Roman, oblivious to Virgil's inner crisis, tossed his head. "Did you try to eat the dough again?"

"No," Logan called from the kitchen. "He tried to make glitter slime with the egg whites."

Virgil and Roman made twin faces of disgust; Patton only laughed and said, "I was egg-slime-ted to try something new!"

"Oh, no," Roman murmured, drawing one hand down his face.

Virgil raised an eyebrow and said, "Was it at least food grade glitter?"

"No," Logan answered, still out of sight. "It was craft glitter."

" What were you making?" Virgil asked, then realized his mistake. "Uh, before the egg slime."

"Cupcakes," Patton said.

"I already told you that," Roman said.

"Sorry, man." Virgil gave Roman a fake smile. "Sometimes when you start talking, all I can hear is refrigerator noise."

"Funky beets," Patton said, nodding.

Virgil stared at him. "You keep beets in the refrigerator?"

Patton wasn't listening. "Ooh! Brocc-n-roll!"

The conversation dissolved into increasingly dubious vegetable puns, which Virgil avoided contributing to. He was more than content to sit back and watch Roman's and Patton's energies bounce off each other as the conversation grew increasingly absurd.

It was moments like these that made Virgil think, maybe things would be okay after all. Change was scary but Virgil had his friends.

Logan emerged from the kitchen a few minutes later, uncharacteristically ruffled. Flour left chalky marks on his shirt and tie, and glitter clung to his fingers despite all his efforts at the kitchen sink.

"Hi," Virgil said with a lazy wave. "Please stop them."

"What are they doing?" Logan asked. "I stopped listening when they started making puns." He sat down in the chair that sat perpendicular to the couch and looked expectantly at Virgil.

"Still puns," Virgil said. "Endless puns."

"It's fine," Roman said. "We can be done with puns."

"Only if you ask nicely!" Patton said. They all peered at him expectantly. "You said no more puns," he said, confused. "Should I have made one?"

"No need, Patton," Logan said hurriedly.

"Digging the new look, by the way," Virgil said by way of pointing out that Logan was covered in flour.

Logan squinted at him, puzzled, then looked down at himself. "Ah. One of the many hazards of working in a kitchen." He imagined his clothes clean and nodded in satisfaction at the result.

Unable to help himself, Virgil added, "Other hazards include: Setting your stove on fire, setting your self on fire." He paused, thinking. "Ants."

Patton took his cue to counteract Virgil's anxiety. "But if you don't take the risk, then you don't get the reward!"

"Cupcakes!" Roman said with equal enthusiasm.

The oven timer beeped.

Logan frowned. "It hasn't even been two minutes."

"I got impatient," Roman said, and kept going to try to talk his way out of a lecture on hard work. "And besides, don't we all have better things to do than sit around and wait for cupcakes to bake? Such as eating cupcakes?"

"Roman's right," Patton said.

Logan considered this, pushing up his glasses. "I suppose I could use the extra time to get some work done."

"Wow, Teach, you're leaving us just like that?" Virgil said instead of asking Logan to stay.

"Not before cupcakes he's not," Patton said firmly. "Roman?"

"Say no more." Roman made an extravagant hand gesture, and a tray of cooled, perfectly frosted cupcakes appeared on the coffee table.

"I was going to frost them," Logan said. "And I do have to wonder what the point was of having Patton and I bake in the first place."

"Oh, it seemed like a good idea at the time." Roman waved Logan off. "Anyway, Purple Menace, it's your party. You get the first cupcake."

"Thanks." Virgil grabbed one at random before he could start worrying about if there was a right or wrong answer. "So," he said, forcing himself out of his comfort zone, "since it is my party and all… Do you guys think you might want to spend the rest of the day with me? Only if you want to. It's cool if not."

"Of course we will!" Patton said, only just resisting the urge to wrap his arms around Virgil.

"Yeah," Roman said readily, "sure."

They all looked at Logan, who nodded. "If that's what you want."

Virgil looked down to hide his smile.

--

Virgil kept unusual hours at the best of times, plagued by insomnia and racing thoughts.

Tonight was no different. In fact, tonight was worse. After the day ended and the warmth and comfort of his friends faded away, Virgil found himself alone with his thoughts.

Thoughts that kept straying to Remus and Janus. The reality of their anger at him twisted in his stomach and stoked the fires of rage in his own chest until he was burning with it. Some friends th ey were, turning on him the second he tried to improve his own situation. They knew better than anyone just how much he'd disliked tormenting Thomas and antagonizing the others.

Virgil let out an angry huff and punched the volume button on his headphones. He knew better than to try to go to bed when he was this worked up, so he turned to his tried and true method of drowning out his thoughts: turning up his music until he felt it in his jaw.

It didn't work.

Virgil ripped his headphones off and tossed them away from him, careful even in his anger to not do anything that would cause them to break. He stood and crossed his arms over his chest. It was late enough that everyone else was probably asleep. He could go down to the kitchen and eat shredded cheese straight out of the bag without any questioning eyes on him.

He sank out of his room and popped up in the kitchen so focused on his goal that he didn't even notice Patton standing by the sink.

Patton in turn didn't notice Virgil until they both jumped in fright at the sensation of something in their peripherals.

"Oh!" Patton covered his mouth with his hand and took in a deep breath. "You scared me, kiddo!"

Virgil fell against the fridge, taking in a few deep breaths of his own. "Likewise."

Patton looked Virgil over, raising an eyebrow at Virgil's attire. "Late night?"

"Pretty much always. What about you?"

"I couldn't sleep," Patton said, glancing at Virgil to check in with him before continuing, "I was kinda worried about you."

Virgil shuffled over so he could nudge Patton with his hip. "C'mon, worrying is my job."

"I know," Patton said fondly. "I just… I want you to know that we care about you, and… Well, I just keep thinking about what you probably had to put up with living with Deceit and the Duke, and I'm a little concerned they might, y'know, try something."

"Oh," said Virgil, as a shot of panic rang his body like a bell.

"But don't worry!" Patton said. "We'll keep you safe!"

"Oh, dear." Janus flashed into view between them and looked at them both in turn. "Safe from what? "

"Um," said Patton, blushing up to his ears. "Heya, Deceit."

Janus dipped his chin and fixed Patton with an amused smirk that he had never practiced in his bathroom mirror. "Morality." He leaned back against the counter and waved a hand. "Oh, don't let me interrupt you. Please do tell Anxiety what it is you're going to keep him safe from."

"Ah," said Patton, fidgeting. "Um. It was sort of a private conversation."

"You can trust me." Janus touched his fingertips to his chest, expression open. "Have I ever given you a reason not to?"

"I guess not, no."

"So go ahead." Janus stared Patton down, delighting in his discomfort.

Virgil recovered his wits and only just managed to keep himself from snarling like a dog. "Leave him alone."

"Me?" Janus grinned at Virgil, revealing mismatched canines. "I'm harmless."

A sudden memory flashed through Virgil's mind: He and Janus eavesdropping on their upstairs neighbors. "Wait, were you just waiting by the door for me to show up?"

"No," Janus lied, spitting out the word too quickly. He saw no need whatsoever to let Virgil know that Janus had wanted to check on him and make sure the Lights weren't unduly punishing him for the perceived transgression of having once been 'Dark'. In fact, he'd gone into this with no intention of interacting with Patton at all, but he never could resist the opportunity to make a dramatic entrance.

"Dude." Virgil scoffed, smiling incredulously. "That's so lame."

Janus examined the back of one hand, propping up a facade of cool indifference. "More or less lame than listening to the same My Chemical Romance song 58 times in a row?" Janus teased, sweeping his gaze down Virgil's face. "By your estimate?"

Virgil was about to answer when he noticed Patton staring at him in confusion. He caught hold of his anger again and injected it into his words. "Did you actually want something or did you just come around to try to scare me?"

"This was a common area last time I checked," Janus said, pretending to look around.

Virgil would have liked to have pressed him. For all his scheming and planning, Janus had never mastered the art of the contingency plan. If Virgil taunted him, told him to carry on with his business in the kitchen, Janus would stutter out an excuse, turn tail, and flee.

But there was Patton, watching their rapport with interest and concern, and Virgil couldn't risk handing him any more pieces of the puzzle. Even Patton, who saw the best in everyone, seemed to believe that Janus and Remus had held Virgil hostage all those years. What would he say if he knew the truth?

Virgil took Patton by the hand. "Don't let us stop you, then. Come on, Pat." He sank out, hoping Patton would follow him to his room.

Patton took the hint and rose up by Virgil's door. He looked around uneasily at the spider curtains and the white webbing strung across the walls, but no wave of wild-eyed panic struck his mind. "That's funny."

"Haha," Virgil said, instantly regretting his weak attempt at humor. "Sorry. What's funny?"

"I'm not quite as scared as I was last time," Patton said.

Virgil stared at the purple-plated switch Roman had made earlier. "No way. No way that worked. Ugh, he's going to be insufferable if he finds out." Patton smiled vacantly and nodded. Virgil said , "Don't say anything to Roman, but you should be good to spend time in here with me. I-if you want to."

"Do you want to talk about what just happened?" Patton asked, not moving from the doorway. Even in the absence of blind panic, he could still feel phantom legs crawling across his bare skin if he stared at any one piece of spider decor for too long.

"I don't know," Virgil said, sighing heavily. "Are you okay?"

Patton couldn't help but shudder as he tried to tear his eyes away from Virgil's spider tank. He swallowed down his fear. Virgil needed him. He could be brave if it meant helping Virgil feel better. "Oh, don't worry about me." He forced himself not to think and crossed the room so he could sit next to Virgil on the bed. "How do you feel?"

"I don't know," Virgil said, unable to look Patton in the eye. This was his drama to worry about, not anyone else's. He shouldn't-- couldn't burden Patton with this. Lies danced on the tip of his tongue, so bitter he could almost taste them. He wondered if Janus could sense it, if Janus was laughing at him on the basement stairs. "It's over between us," Virgil said.

"Was it…" Patton hesitated. "I mean, were they… It's just that you're so sweet, and Deceit and the Duke are so scary . And… I mean, Deceit never comes into the kitchen. D'you think he was going to--" Patton broke off with a shudder. " Try something?"

Virgil couldn't even bring himself to protest at the idea that Patton didn't find him scary anymore, awash in nostalgia; half-formed memories of coffee on hazy mornings, reluctant cuddle piles on the couch, bickering for the sake of it, all warming and chilling him at the same time. "Maybe," Virgil said. It wasn't technically a lie, he told himself, just a misdirection. And if it kept Patton safe from Janus' mind games then Virgil would tell a thousand lies, never mind what that said about him. "He can be pretty scary when he wants to be.

"And you're okay?" Patton asked, still concerned. "You still seem pretty shaken up." Virgil was pale and his eyeshadow had gone dangerously dark. Patton wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and never let anything bad happen to him again, his chest ached with it.

"I didn't like how Deceit talked to you," Virgil said, and a burst of anger formed out of the fear for one incandescent moment. Janus had been playing a game with Patton, but it wasn't fair when Patton didn't know the rules. Janus would weave threats and insults into his words but never once speak impolitely or out of turn, and push and goad and tease until he found a breaking point. He had pinned Patton's back against the wall in less than a minute and would have kept toying with him just for the game of it had Virgil not stepped in. Virgil had been the victim of this trick before, in much more lighthearted circumstances. Janus would put words in your mouth and then condemn you for them with the holier-than-thou countenance of a tithe-stealing priest. "He's dangerous to talk to. Promise me you'll come get me if he ever catches you alone, okay?"

"Sure, kiddo." Patton didn't fully understand, but if it was important to Virgil, then it was important to him, too. He held up his pinkie. "Pinkie swear."

"Oh," said Virgil, softening. "We don't have to--"

"It's legally binding," Patton said seriously.

Virgil smiled despite himself and hooked pinkies with Patton. "Okay. Pinkie swear."

Patton drew his hand back and smothered a yawn behind it. "Sorry, kiddo, it's just a little be-yawn-d my bedtime. But I'm happy to stay up with you as long as you need!"

Guilt flooded Virgil's mind, choking out rationality and guiding him toward panic. "Oh, jeeze, I'm sorry. I won't keep you up."

“Aw, it’s okay,” Patton said, not missing the way Virgil’s body tensed up and his breathing quickened. “I’ll stay up with you all night if you want me to. We could even make a blanket fort. Just maybe…” He wiggled in place, thinking of spiders again. “Maybe in the living room or the hall.”

"It's okay, Pat." Virgil stifled a yawn of his own, burying his face in the collar of his hoodie. "Think I'm gonna crash soon, anyway." A small, cruel part of him protested at the idea that he would need special treatment and desperately wanted to throw it back in Patton's face. He wasn't a sweetheart, he wasn't a baby. He didn't need to crawl into a blanket fort with Dad just because he was a little stressed.

Okay, so he was a lot stressed, but he still didn't need coddling. He wasn't Roman .

"Should I go, then?" Patton asked, glancing at the door. He had seen Virgil's face go sour and adjusted his approach accordingly. It went against his nature, against his function, to leave someone upset without doing everything he could to fix it, but he was perceptive enough to grasp that Virgil wanted space.

Virgil nodded and yawned again, the ugliness draining from his face as though it had never been there at all. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night, Virgil." Patton stood, but hovered in the doorway. "Want me to get your light?"

Virgil kicked off his shoes and nodded. "Sure." Virgil hoped that Roman hadn't shuffled his clothing around too much. He wasn't in the mood to hunt for his pajamas in the dark. "See you in the morning?"

Patton nodded, turned off the light, and left.