#paper rings (esme desires.)

[minediamonds]

@bewitchingbaker

Wanna sit on your lap while we watch a movie with your hands exploring every part of me

[sacredsanguine]

pillow talk: iii a joesme flash series | parts (i), (ii), (x), (iv), (v), (vi)

They’d planned to spend this night together, likely snuggled close under soft blankets after the heady heat and laughter of a few drinks had faded into pleasant, weightless sleepiness.

Joel had joked over the morning coffee she’d brought him about bringing over a pillowcase of groceries in case Esme forgot to pick something up to supplement the wealth of alcohol, tea biscuits, and condiments currently residing in her cupboards. She’d stuck her tongue out at him good-naturedly and made some silly reply about knowing which tomatoes were best for sauces and which were better for cocktails, thank you very much.

That had been before. Now there’s lightness at her ring finger and betrayal bruising violet in her throat.

Esme raises her head just enough from her kitchen table to pour herself another tumbler full of vodka. Her hand shakes, but the bottle and glass are already blurry. At least there’s no one in her apartments to scold her. The groceries she’d had time but not the will to put away stare accusingly from the counter.

“Santri,” she slurs before the vodka peels her memories one layer farther from painful proximity as it burns down her throat. Against her own will and all the odds drained from the near-empty bottle, a memory lurches to the forefront of Esme’s mind: warm hands in hers, the smell of sun-warmed violets, and a low laugh like pure sunshine.

I’ll teach you to toast in the old Aixoisi way.

Joel’s eyes had sparkled in response to her teasing glance. I’d like to teach you to heal even if you didn’t offer. But that’s a fine deal.

Teach me to heal? What an interesting proposition, Physician. Trying to get me to stop coming to you for every little scrape and sorrow?

A laugh that felt like summer. Never.

Liquid hits Esme’s lap in cold, thin drops. Neither the burn of the vodka or the sweet golden spice of involuntary ginger warm her. Not with the way the ache in her gut insists on freezing her from the inside out.

She’s always been lonely here. Of all lessons to learn from Pheles, how to wake up alone was one of the first. Foolish to think that this would have been anything different.

Glass clinks onto wood; the sound is hollow.

Joel inhales and lets himself slouch back into his chair. The sun will be rising soon and he will be expected along with it, but for now he is alone with his thoughts, half a bottle of wine he’d bought with someone else in mind, and a rosary whose cool, well-worn beads cannot clack loud enough to silence the hurt hurricane in his head.

It spins faster, juggernaut thrown between the deep-set ache of a wound that does not know why it was inflicted and Joel’s automatic desperation to prove himself worthy, if not innocent and maledicted. If not good. His hand flexes—not as if into a fist, but to grasp something already slipped away, fingers digging deep into flesh as in the aftermath of missing a rope already swung by.

The sound that rolls from Joel’s throat is not a growl or a sob but a creak; violets and gold burst from his hands in swirls too soft for what he feels. The incandescence of the unspeakable illuminates green glass as Joel reaches out to turn the label of the bottle away from himself until the crimson paper is just a dark shadow through the bottle and its lightless contents.

Even without the label’s pensive cherub staring beseechingly at him, Joel’s thoughts do not quiet. He sips, alternating between the last of the cherry-red wine and the water beside it, and wonders if he will ever learn how to stop bringing things upon himself. If he will ever stop wanting to.

His dearest wishes repulse their subjects, perhaps with their fervency. His ragged sigh flutters against the hand he raises to press to his face, uncomfortably flushed and swollen from an earlier round of crying.

Joel knows his scripture by heart, but it was not verse that taught him that unfettered desire of something corrupts it.

Joel the student, Joel the healer, Joel the man who strove to be the best he could, the man he had needed as a boy—and none of it enough. Good, but never good enough to keep things in his grasp from withering at the force of his want.

He had always wanted a family. Always wanted a child. Children. Had walked with open eyes and arms into wanting the woman whose name he now cannot speak without feeling something sharp rising to choke him like an unholy noose.

The city loves him like a son, but for all his glory, all his radiance, Joel could not keep something from being too good to be true.

They’d planned to spend this night together. Alone, they share instead an echoing and inescapable emptiness.

[carllisle]

A Touch of Jealousy

Inspired by talks with the infallible @stregoni-benefici

A coworker has the hots for Carlisle and Esme doesn’t quite know how to deal with the jealousy of it all. Less fun than it sounds. Undercut for length. 

Esme liked to pick Carlisle up from work. The hospital was on the way to the school, so sometimes Edward or Rosalie would drop him off in the morning and Esme could pick him up in the evening. She liked to look nice for him, too, and whilst her cream jumper and blue jeans weren’t anything special, she felt cosy. Alice advised her to pair the look with brown boots that had her four inches taller and Esme had admired how it had made her figure look. She liked to look nice for him. 

The kind lady on reception greeted her. “Evening, Esme. I just saw him go that way,” she pointed to the corridor opposite the front entrance, “would you like me to page him?” 

Esme smiled warmly. “Hello, Beverley. No, that’s alright, thank you, I’ll wait in his office.” 

“Well you let me know if he takes too long, I’ll sort him out.” 

“I don’t doubt that,” Esme laughed. The woman was in her late sixties and, like any good receptionist, had every doctor and nurse wrapped around her little finger. “But that’s quite alright, I don’t mind waiting.” 

Like every other place he had worked, Carlisle’s office was empty of decoration and personality. Most of the walls were blank, save for a landscape she had painted of the English countryside after their recent trip. No medical degrees, no certificates, nothing to indicate the name or accomplishments of the man who worked here. Still, it smelled like him. Esme sat in the leather chair behind the desk and stroked the arms. 

It was easy to get lost in memories of their trip and she settled back to remember their boating expedition on the Norfolk Broads. She thought of the family of otters they had seen frolicking in the water and smiled. 

Not much time went by before she could hear Carlisle’s voice drifting up the corridor along with a woman’s voice she didn’t know. The woman was laughing. “Oh Carlisle, you’re so funny!”

Carlisle chuckled. “Could you tell my children that? I try to amuse them and so often it falls flat!” 

“Surely not!” the voice exclaimed. It reminded Esme of how Tanya sometimes joked with Edward on her more flirtatious days. “That boy Emmett of yours seems to have a great sense of humour, doesn’t he back you up?” 

Esme’s eyes widened. When had this woman met Emmett? 

“Sometimes! But he likes to deliver a punchline more than he likes to hear one.” Ta-tap, ta-tap, the click of his shoes echoed down the corridor. There was a rustle of paper, cold, hard skin sliding over pages; he was reading as he walked. 

“I liked him!” The woman and Carlisle were just outside of the closed door now. The woman skipped a few steps and Esme could see in her mind’s eye that she was now in front of Carlisle. “I like his father, too.” 

“I like you, too!” Carlisle said cheerfully. “It’s nice to work with someone that one finds cheerful and personable!” 

The woman laughed. There was the sound of a soft hand on the cotton of Carlisle’s sleeve. “That makes me very happy.” She dropped her voice, but the smile was still in it. “Would you like to meet for a drink after work one day this week? We finish early on Thursday night, how about it?” 

“That sounds very nice. Who else had you thought about asking?” 

There was a sultry edge to the woman’s laugh. “Just us, Carlisle. You know, you and me?” 

“Oh. Oh. You know, I’m very flattered, but I have a wife who- who I’m very- very fond of-”

“I won’t tell her if you don’t.” 

“No, it’s not like that, it’s… you’re very lovely, but I-” The handle of the door twitched as he grabbed it. 

“It’s alright, I’ve seen how you look at me, so have others. We get on so well, c’mon, I can be discreet-” 

“No, thank you-” Carlisle pushed the door of the office open and his eyes fell on Esme where she sat. He looked uncomfortable. The woman’s heart was racing. 

Esme swallowed down the venom that had seeped into her mouth and smiled as warmly as she could. “Oh, I thought you had finished for the day. Would you like me to leave while you finish talking?” 

“No!” Carlisle said quickly and he held out his hand to call her over. Stiffly, Esme walked to his side and surveyed the woman. She was beautiful, there was no doubt about it, tall and slender and with flaming red hair and cheeks speckled with freckles. She looked at Esme with piercing green eyes and smiled easily. “Darling, this is my colleague Doctor Robinson. Doctor Robinson, this is my wife, Esme.” 

“Please, call me Zoe,” the woman said, handing out a hand. Esme shook it, ignoring the pulse at her throat. “Carlisle never mentioned he was married.” 

Esme glanced down at Carlisle’s hand and smiled. “A pleasure to meet you, Zoe. Does my husband neglect wearing his wedding ring?” 

“No, I don’t, I always wear it” Carlisle said, less calm than usual. “Let me grab my coat and we can get going.” 

Esme nodded and stepped away from him. The woman looked the most casual of the three of them. “Well, I best be off, I’ve got some paperwork to catch up on. Let me know if Thursday works for you, Carlisle, and I’ll arrange the meeting. Pleasure to meet you, Esme.” 

Esme did her best to speak kindly. “And you, Doctor Robinson. Enjoy your shift.” 

The door was closed and they heard her walking down the corridor. Esme looked at Carlisle. “Darling, I never-” 

She held up a hand and shook her head slightly. “It’s alright.” 

“I never meant to encourage her, and I do talk about you, I talk about you all the time!” 

Esme winced. “You don’t need to justify yourself.” 

They walked in silence to the car and Esme handed him the keys to drive. Once they were inside and the engine hummed quietly to life, the territorial instinct in Esme had subsided slightly. Sadness replaced it. “She’s very pretty.” 

“She’s just a friend, darling.” 

Esme nodded and looked out of the window. The lights of the city rolled over the night sky in a haze she could not focus on. “We’ve been married for a very long time. It wouldn’t be surprising if you were… if you got bored of me and wanted to… to try something else.” 

“Esme.” Carlisle sounded shocked. He rested his hand on her thigh but she twisted her body away from him. “I have never been bored of you. I have never had the desire to- to try something new. Have you?” 

“No.” 

“You are all I have ever wanted and all I have ever needed. There will never be another. I thought you knew that?” 

She was silent for a long moment. “I do.” Esme turned to look at him, not knowing how to say what was in her heart. 

He reached out to run his fingers through her hair and she let him touch her this time. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking… that… that there’s only so much I can offer you. I have no medical experience or knowledge, I can’t stimulate you like your colleagues can, or Edward or Rosalie can, I can’t satisfy your desire for knowledge and the pursuit of it.” 

“You don’t need to,” Carlisle murmured softly. He glanced now and again at the road but his hand stroked her hair. “In the same way I don’t need to do the same for you with art and architecture. We have our own interests and pursuits, that’s how it’s always been. That doesn’t mean that you are anything less than my world.” It made sense and she nodded. “Is there anything I can say that will make you feel better?” 

Esme swallowed. “It’s… it’s ridiculous. Childish, really.” 

“What is it?” 

“I… I feel very… protective over you. Territorial is perhaps the better word. The idea of her laying a hand on you, it… it made me want… want to do things to her, to you…”

Carlisle’s expression darkened and she couldn’t tell if it was in a good way or bad. “What things?” 

“I- I don’t know. I think I just… I just wanted her to know that… that you’re mine. Whatever that means.” 

Carlisle’s expression was unfathomable. After a long pause, he nodded. “I am. Body and soul. Always.” 

Drawing in a deep breath, Esme could taste him in the air. She took the hand in her hair and kissed his knuckles, and held it between both of hers in her lap. “I’ll laugh about this tomorrow. But for now… I think I’m… unsettled.” 

“That’s understandable. I do not expect you to laugh about this if you do not wish to.” 

“I do. But not quite yet. I think tonight, I… I think I want to scream. I think that would make me feel better.” 

“Alright. Let’s take a detour home. Would you like to hunt?” 

Esme nodded. “Something big.” 

He cracked a smile and glanced at her again. “Will you protect me from a big and scary beast?” 

It was impossible not to smile in return. “Maybe. Would you like me to?” 

“Oh, wholeheartedly.”

[gadgetgirl71]

April 2021 Reading List

Again this months reading list is a mix of ARC’s and my TBR book list. As I’m slowly trying to get both of my ARC and TBR lists down. However I don’t think my TBR list will come down as much as my ARC list will as I just can’t stop adding more books to my TBR list. Which you will know if you follow me regularly.

This months books are:

April ARC Books

The Dictionary of Lost Words by Pip Williams, Pages: 384, Publication Date: 8 April 2021

The Summer Job by Lizzy Dent, Pages: 352, Publication Date: 15 April 2021

Cunning Women by Elizabeth Lee, Pages: 332, Publication Date: 22 April 2021

April TBR Books

Sleigh Bells in the Snow (O’Neil Brothers #1) by Sarah Morgan, Pages: 384, Publication Date: 4 October 2014

Trusting Taylor (Silverstone #2) by Susan Stoker, Pages: 278, Publication Date: 2 March 2021

Synopsis: In 1901, the word ‘Bondmaid’ was discovered missing from the Oxford English Dictionary. This is the story of the girl who stole it.

Esme is born into a world of words. Motherless and irrepressibly curious, she spends her childhood in the ‘Scriptorium’, a garden shed in Oxford where her father and a team of dedicated lexicographers are collecting words for the very first Oxford English Dictionary. Esme’s place is beneath the sorting table, unseen and unheard. One day a slip of paper containing the word ‘bondmaid’ flutters to the floor. Esme rescues the slip and stashes it in an old wooden case that belongs to her friend, Lizzie, a young servant in the big house. Esme begins to collect other words from the Scriptorium that are misplaced, discarded or have been neglected by the dictionary men. They help her make sense of the world.

Over time, Esme realises that some words are considered more important than others, and that words and meanings relating to women’s experiences often go unrecorded. While she dedicates her life to the Oxford English Dictionary, secretly, she begins to collect words for another dictionary: The Dictionary of Lost Words.

Set when the women’s suffrage movement was at its height and the Great War loomed, The Dictionary of Lost Words reveals a lost narrative, hidden between the lines of a history written by men. It’s a delightful, lyrical and deeply thought-provoking celebration of words, and the power of language to shape the world and our experience of it.

Synopsis: Have you ever imagined running away from your life?

Well Birdy Finch didn’t just imagine it. She did it. Which might’ve been an error. And the life she’s run into? Her best friend, Heather’s.

The only problem is, she hasn’t told Heather. Actually there are a few other problems…

Can Birdy carry off a summer at a luxury Scottish hotel pretending to be her best friend (who incidentally is a world-class wine expert)?

And can she stop herself from falling for the first man she’s ever actually liked (but who thinks she’s someone else)?

A snort-out-loud romcom for fans of The Flat share.

Synopsis: Spring of 1620 in a Lancashire fishing community and the memory of the slaughter at Pendle is tight around the neck of Sarah Haworth. A birthmark reveals that Sarah, like her mother, is a witch. Torn between yearning for an ordinary life and desire to discover what dark power she might possess, Sarah’s one hope is that her young sister Annie will be spared this fate.

The Haworth family eke out a meagre existence in the old plague village adjoining a God-fearing community presided over by a seedy magistrate. A society built upon looking the other way, the villagers’ godliness is merely a veneer. But the Haworth women, with their salves and poultices, are judged the real threat to morality.

When Sarah meets lonely farmer’s son Daniel, she begins to dream of a better future. Daniel is in thrall to the wild girl with storms in her eyes, but their bond is tested when a zealous new magistrate vows to root out sins and sinners. In a frenzy of fear and fury, the community begins to turn on one another, and it’s not long before they direct their gaze towards the old plague village … and does Daniel trust that the power Sarah wields over him is truly love, or could it be mere sorcery?

Synopsis: Once upon a time Kayla loved Christmas

Now she’s more dedicated to her job than decking the halls, and can’t wait for the ‘most wonderful time of the year’ to be over.

Until she arrives at the enchanting Snow Crystal ski resort, determined to win gorgeous owner Jackson as a marketing client.

But wooing Jackson professionally quickly turns personal as they spend flirty festive nights in this glittering winter wonderland.

With snowflakes swirling and sleigh bells ringing…could Jackson be the one to make Kayla fall back under the Christmas spell?

Synopsis: Former military man turned government assassin Kellan “Eagle” Trowbridge isn’t looking for love. He’d rather keep his head down at his cover job as an employee of Silverstone Towing. That all changes, however, when he meets Taylor Cardin.

Beautiful, smart, and witty Taylor instantly falls for the mysterious tow truck driver, who comforts her both in the aftermath of the car crash she sees first-hand and when the police dismiss her as a credible witness because of her prosopagnosia, or face blindness. Eagle, on the other hand, can remember every person he’s ever met—and the two counterparts forge an immediate connection. But someone else is just as intrigued by Taylor’s unique condition as Eagle is…and his intentions are downright deadly.

Soon, Eagle and Taylor are too caught up in each other to see the danger that’s approaching. But as time runs out, they’ll discover their love isn’t the only thing fighting to survive.

*** Let me know if you’ve read or reviewed any of these book, and tell me what you think of them. Or just let me know what books are on your Aril 2021 reading list. ***

[curiouslich]

Acts of Generosity

Finally returning to his office at Voidheart Zalin let out a sigh, it was good to be home. He had worried about it while marching to face the legion. Chewing on his cigarette he ran through the roster of his Sunspear. Many of his strongest made it through the war… many were less than lucky. Thoughts of his student and the Greenseer plagued him, but he pushed them away. There would be proper time for respects later.

A quil scribbled on his desk, his approval list of promotions and bonuses. Several soldiers served with distinction in the Legion’s invasion and he would ensure they were properly recognized for their valor.

Running a hand over his chin Zalin spun the Scion’s present in the air. The orb glowed a swirl of arcane and shadow. The floating sphere was something that brought him a great deal of joy. A simple trinket in a dire time was often enough to lift spirits. The war was won but logistics in the Dawnspire are what followed for those of his station. Moving on to a list of the damages to Voidheart was a small relief. Seilaran’s defenders answered the call. The Knights of the Broken Blade kept the portals from entering. He would thank her for that favor.

There would be no letter written for his dear Sister. She would know what it is. A beacon to call for his summons should she ever need him. He’d leave it in their drop site. She had vanished again, but knowing what he left was taken was enough of a comfort. She never really came back from Helheim, Zalin had always suspected something was left behind. Still she was alive and that was enough. @stormandozone

For her knights, the lineage of Umadon. An alliance, if needed they could be stationed here, and gold to continue the restoration of their ravaged lands. The Winter of Woe still ruined their temples, and the dead never did anything quickly.

Hand reaching up to the still spinning orb he let his fingers trace the surface. Cynel knew him well enough, he would repeat the favor. A feathered quill from their eldest Fel Phoenix. Midora was a rare specimen indeed, but she could spare a feather for him. Perhaps one day viable offspring, but for now Felflame Hawks would do. @cynfuldax

Sakialyn always prefered the practical presents. A vial of oil alchemically treated to coat weapons and amplify light channeling. The second gift for her was another joke they shared. A potted plant with a small note. “Decorate your damn office.” @sakialyn

Sighing he came to the more difficult member of his circle. Vaelrin… hand tapping on the desk he hated to give the same thing again and again, but the man was so much a pain to gift for. Violet eyes falling on the shelf Zalin shook his head. “Fuck it booze again will have to do.” Vineglow wine, it was rare enough. @forever-afk

For Queen Azriah herself Zalin debated sending nothing, but no doubt that joke would gain some ire with the woman. A ring made of ithmithril with an onyx gem. As timeless and indestructible as the woman herself. Simple but poetic. @azriah

Esme, the brat of a woman who rose from commoner to knight-captain of ember tree. No doubt she would prefer to have something practical like Sakialyn. But where was the fun in that? A filigree brush for her flowing hair. She was a lady now and an elegant gift seemed fitting as it did teasing. @jessipalooza

Telchis, Ellasha, and now their new addition. The Truefeather family would always be important to him. Pulling out a piece of paper he scribbled a note.

Family Truefeather,

It's long been a custom among the House of Sunders to place the egg of a phoenix in the hearth on the night of conception of a new child. The birth of the phoenix would watch over the mother and protect the infant for years to come. I am a touch late with this offering but I have no doubt that your daughter will only be the first of your family.

The lose and sacrifice of Tyrill Sunspear is still deep in our hearts, please accept this egg as a continuation of my family’s traditions and a remembrance of a man that made the ultimate sacrifice to protect us all.

~ Zalin Shadowsunder

Lord of the Shimmering Vale.

The last year had gotten away from him. “I hope I didn’t already send that gift… war is a tiring matter.” shrugging off the concern, if he had they had another egg for their next child. That would more then do. @felthier

Now the true challenge, his heart. Elleynah. Nothing ever seemed fitting enough, grand enough, or even worthy enough to describe his feelings. She was a simple woman, with simple desires. But her little friend could use something nice. For her cub a box of magically infused treats and a leather collar with runes inscribed to hide his magic presence. That an another cooking lesson would be present enough for them both.

Courting the officers done he moved on to the rest of his friends and allies. For the Felraven sisters a pair of broaches each with a gem capable of capturing the other’s magic. A token so they would never be separated.

For Highdawn a sharpening stone of Ithmithril to keep her blade as useful as she was. @thanidiel

For Muroco a thick cut kodo steak, a well earned reward. 

Phoenix flowers for his students, Alamaeus, Thordemar, and Avie. As magical as beautiful they would help them all see and smell the auras to remind them of their training. @brothersemberfell @pyrar

Veleth Ashcaster, Esheyn Flamethorn, Raserus Tal’therin, Sederis Emberheart, Vaeronia Dawntreader, Aurelian Indaris, Oosarn Bloodaxe, and Ithanar Islesun. The list of Dawnwards that he hadn’t already offered a gift would be sent letters along with their Winterveil bonus. An invitation to visit Voidheart and share a drink with him. @kinari @raserus-taltherin @thepilgrimofwar @dawntreadermg @korkrunchcereal @captainswingbeard @veleth95 @sonofkhaz

For the quartermaster of the Dawnspire Zalin found himself in thought. His dear Cousin and advisor had always been close to him. Vulthaen had helped him with a great deal of things in the past few years. Another letter.

Vulthaen,

This is a personal summons to Voidheart, it will not take away from your duties but I would like to discuss family matters from you at ‘our’ home. I look forward to hearing from you.

~Sincerely Zalin

Letting out another sigh he finally let the orb slow and drop to the ground. Again shaking his head as he thought this might not be a good idea… but he was family, whether either of them liked it or not. One last letter.

Maratus’argae

I am writing this letter on behalf of my elder brother. I have read the reports of his horrific wounds resulting from his defense of several of our Dawnwards. As a token of my appreciation for this heroic action along with that of your Dread Commander Blackheart’s sacrifice I am opening the doors to the Cabal of the Dying Sun to take temporary refuge at Voidheart should they feel so inclined.

As I understand you Illidari are capable of regenerating and you are working to restore Zanarian’s body. As a personal offer I invite you to bring him to Voidheart and offer any resources need for his rebirth.

I have not seen eye to eye with him, but I will not abandon my own kin despite our differences.

Please let me know your decision, and that of any cabal member wishing to take the offer.

Zalin Shadowsunder

The Sentinel

Sunward of the Sunspear Battalion

Knight-Lieutenant of Falcon Company

Leaning back in his chair the man smiled, he was a rather generous individual. Paying forward kindness a more recent missive came to mind.

Lord Thori’thal,

Thank you for honoring the House of Sunders for your consideration.

We would be more than honored to supply such a gift.

Enclosed you will find a tail feather from my personal phoenix Sedeli. She has yet to touch the ground and continues to soar as the pride of our family.

This unique gift is from a shadow touched phoenix, I do hope this will suffice as a present.

No compensation will be required for this gesture, please take it as a gift of well wishes for you and your wife to be.

Sincerely

Zalin Shadowsunder

Lord of the Shimmering Vale

[km-theatre]

Cast & Creatives The Ladykillers

NEW WOLSEY THEATRE IPSWICH SUFFOLK  UK 15 SEP 2017

Friday 15 September 2017

Ann Penfold — Mrs Wilberforce

Theatre credits include: The Taming of the Shrew (RSC),Brighton Till I Die(Brighton),, Revenger's Tragedy, Deep Blue Sea,(West Yorkshire Playhouse)Saturday Sunday Monday (National Theatre/West End)  The Wars of the Roses(English Shakespeare Company, world tour and Old Vic) Design for Living (Peter Hall Company,) The Winslow Boy,(Guildford and tour) The Contractor (Oxford Stage company tour) Forty Years On (Scarborough)The Glass Menagerie,(Greenwich), In Celebration,(Chichester.) Duet for One (Edinburgh, Lyceum)

At the Wolsey Theatre: The Winter's Tale; Hamlet; Romeo and Juliet; Mrs Warren's Profession; Perfect Days.

And at Salisbury Playhouse: For Services Rendered ( and at the Old Vic), and The Lady in the Van.

Television credits include: Tripped (Mammoth Screen), Doctors, Casualty, Sea of Souls, Dangerfield, No Place Like Home, Mrs Pym’s Day Out, Cranford, Villette, There is Also Tomorrow (BBC), The Bill, The Vice, Coronation Street, The Brontes of Haworth, The Ruth Rendell Mysteries (ITV) A Wing and a Prayer, Family Affairs (Ch5)

Film credits include: Keeping Rosy, Winter Sunlight, Family Life.

Steven Elliot — Professor Marcus

Theatre Credits Include: Frankenstein, The Winter’s Tale. (Royal National Theatre) Titus Andronicus, Julius Caesar, Revenger’s Tragedy, Henry V, Twelfth Night, Pentecost, The Bite of the Night, The Jew of Malta, Measure For Measure (Royal Shakespeare Company) The Devil Inside Him (National Theatre Wales) Dancing at Lughnasa (Abbey, Dublin) King Lear (Almeida, London) True West (Glasgow Citz) Arcadia (Bristol Old Vic) Frank, in Educating Rita (Oldham Coliseum) Dumb Show, Inherit the Wind (New Vic Theatre) The Weir (Sherman, Cardiff) Amadeus, Hamlet, And Then There Were None, Jane Austen’s ‘Emma’ (Salisbury Playhouse) Macbeth, Two Princes, A Chorus of Disapproval, Arcadia, Troilus and Cressida, Measure for Measure, The Suicide, Noises Off, Jumpy, Cyrano de Bergerac (Theatr Clwyd)  Steven recently played the role of George Ring in an adaptation of ‘Adventures in the Skin Trade,’ by Dylan Thomas, at the Sydney Opera House and Melbourne Arts Centre, Australia. He also recently played Oscar Wilde in a tour of ‘The Trials of Oscar Wilde.’

Directing Credits Include: Assistant Director to Terry Hands on ‘Pygmalion’ by George Bernard Shaw (Theatr Clwyd) A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Rose Theatre, Kingston) Well Thumbed (Notional Theatre) The Dreamer (Maltings, Farnham)

Television Credits Include:  Da Vinci’s Demons, Holby City, Judge John Deed, Ghostboat, Crash, Tunnel of Love, Porthpenwaig, Inspector Morse, Harpur and Isles, Art that Shook the World, 90 Days in Hollywood, Return to Treasure Island, That Uncertain Feeling, Rhinoceros, Van der Valk,  999 Killer on the line, Mike Bassett - Manager, Gwaith Cartref.

Film Credits Include:  Steven has just finished filming ‘The Watcher in the Woods’ with Anjelica Huston, in which he plays the title role. Other Film work includes; Hamlet, Cold Earth, Rise of the Appliances, Trauma, Trail of Crimson, De Sade, Green Monkey and Time Bandits. Also recordings of Frankenstein (NT Live) King Lear and True West (Digital Theatre)

Graham Seed — Major Courtney

Graham trained at RADA and is best known for playing Nigel Pargetter in the radio series The Archers for 27 years, until the character’s untimely demise in January 2011. Theatre credits include: Dead Sheep and An Audience with Jimmy Savile (Park Theatre), Dead Sheep (National Tour), 
Bedroom Farce and Separate Tables (Salisbury Playhouse), Flare Path (National Tour) Jim Hacker in Yes Prime Minister (National Tour), Basket Case with Nigel Havers (National Tour)Major Metcalf in The Mousetrap (60th Anniversary tour), Toad of Toad Hall (West
End); Me and My Girl (Adelphi Theatre); Relatively
Speaking and Confusions (national tour); Design for Living (English Touring Theatre); Twelfth Night
(BAC); Translations (Watford and tour); A Chaste
Maid of Cheapside (Almeida and tour); Someone to
Watch Over Me (Frankfurt); An Eligible Man (New
End, Hampstead); The Skin Game (Orange Tree);
Nelson (Nuffield, Southampton); Present Laughter
(Theatr Cymru); French Without Tears (Mill at
Sonning); Journey’s End (National Tour) Accolade at the
Finborough. He has also played many
repertory seasons including: Birmingham, Greenwich, 
Library Theatre, Manchester, and Perth.

Television credits include: The Durrells, I, Claudius, Edward
VII, Brideshead Revisited, Mike Leigh’s Who’s Who, Victoria Wood: As Seen on TV, Jeeves and Wooster, The Cleopatras, Crossroads, Coronation Street, Brookside, Prime Suspect, Nature Boy, Dinnerladies, Station Jim, Band of Brothers, The Chatterley Affair, Doctors, Midsomer Murders and He Kills Coppers. Film credits include: Peterloo, Gandhi, Good and Bad at
Games, Honest, Little Dorrit, These Foolish Things and Wild Target with Bill Nighy and Emily Blunt. Radio credits include: Nigel Pargetter
in The Archers. He is an occasional presenter on ‘Pick of the Week’ and was a regular voice on ‘What The Papers’ Say’ both for Radio 4.
 He was the recipient of the
Broadcaster of the Year Award 2010 from the
Broadcasting Press Guild and the Voice of Listener
and Viewer Special Award 2010.

Marcus Houden — Constable Macdonald

Theatre credits include: The Tempest (Hope Theatre, London) - BroadwayWorldUK Best Leading Actor nomination, Overture Live (Hippodrome, London), Peter Pan (UK Tour), Robin Hood and the Babes in the Wood(Gala Theatre, Durham), Treasure Island (Cambridge Touring Theatre), A Midsummer Night’s Dream (International Tour), Romeo and Juliet, Sense and Sensibility (Chapterhouse Theatre Company), Bouncers(UK Tour), The Three Musketeers (Jamie Marcus Productions), The Merry Wives of Henry VIII (Edinburgh Festival), Art, Macbeth(Seagull Theatre), Tartuffe, The Beaux’ Stratagem (Lichfield Garrick) and Dick Whittington (Theatre Colwyn).

Damian Williams — One-Round

Damian became well known to television audiences in the early nineties for his appearances as Ginger Gahagan in the BBC series Billy Webb and the second series Alfonzo Bonzo. His other television appearances include Lumpy in Spatz; Gavin in Exam Conditions and Ian in The Bill. Damian was the presenter of Damian’s Are You Smarter Than Your 10 Year Old for Sky One and was also in the new series of Birds of a Feather.

Damian is always in demand for Musical Theatre and in 2013 and 2014 Damian played Edna Turnblad in Hairspray both at the Leicester Curve as well as a tour of Singapore and Kuala Lumpur.

Damian’s first love is comedy (his heroes are Laurel & Hardy) and he has played various comedy roles from Luther Billis in South Pacific to Pseudolus in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum. Damian played Tommy Cooper in the new play Being Tommy Cooper, and toured in the one man play My Dog’s Got No Nose. Most recently he’s also played Tommy Cooper in the short film The Last Laugh, written and directed by Paul Hendy for which Damian won best Actor (Southampton film festival)

Damian has toured the country for over 25 years and has a wealth of experience in Theatre, a well respected farceur Damian has appeared in; Run for your wife, Cash on Delivery, Funny Money, Tom Dick & Harry, It Runs in the Family, Not now darling, There Goes The Bride, Out of Order, Caught in the Net, Dry Rot, See How they Run and Don’t Dress For Dinner.

As resident Dame of 10 years at the Sheffield Lyceum Damian is set to play Mother Goose this year.

Damian was born in Tilbury in Essex and now resides in Southend on sea with his wife Barbie. They are proud parents of twins, Joshua and Esme, undoubtedly Damian’s finest productions to date!

Anthony Dunn — Louis Harvey

Anthony has worked extensively as an actor in the UK, Europe, Canada and the United States over the last 30 years. Theatre includes Calamity Jane (UK and Ireland Tour), Paved in Gold (Canada), Birds (US Tour), Face (UK Tour), Buddy (Victoria Palace), Bouncers (Hull Truck), L'Ascencore (European Tour) and Don Quixote(Warehouse Theatre). His television appearances include The Murdoch Mysteries (US and Canada), Roomers and The Last Word for the BBC and Stuck on You, The Upper Hand and Frank Stubbs for ITV. Anthony has also worked in academia, teaching and doing Ph.D research in Washington and New Orleans. When not working as an actor, Anthony can be found taking groups of people on entertaining historical tours of London by road, river or foot.

Sam Lupton — Harry Robinson

Training: Manchester School Of Theatre (Man met, Acting)

Theatre includes: ‘Wilfred Crompton’ in Spring and Port Wine (Oldham Coliseum 2017); 'Seymour' in Little Shop Of Horrors (UK Tour 2016),  'Boq' in Wicked (Apollo Victoria Theatre, West End); 'Princeton’ & ‘Rod' in Avenue Q (UK Tour 2012); 'Man' in Starting Here, Starting Now'; Greg' in Single Sex and 'Gena Hamlet' in Galka Motalka (Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester);  'Harry' in Love On The Dole and 'Young Collector/Sailor' in A Streetcar Named Desire (Bolton Octagon); 'Colin Ireland & Robin Oake' in Out Out Out (Pitgems Theatre); "Jim/Ensemble" in The Hired Man (Bolton Octagon) which won the 2010 TMA Award for Best Performance in a Musical, awarded to the entire ensemble. He Also originated the role of 'Ben' in Firing Life.

Television includes: The Late Late Show (RTE) and Ireland:AM (TV3).

Radio Includes: 'Nino Sarratore' in The Story Of A New Name & My Brilliant Friend (BBC Radio 4), Various Characters in National Velvet (BBC Radio 4)

Workshops: 'Boy & Zacky' in Big Fish; 'John-Michael' in Doris Stokes

Other Work Includes: The Music of Kooman & Diamond (IlliaDebuts, London Debut), "The Concrete Jungle": UK Album Launch (IlliaDebuts), 'West End Switched Off' (Parallel Productions)

Sam has also worked as a puppet coach for the 2014 professional UK tour of Avenue Q. In 2016 he made is directorial debut with How To Curse at London's Etcetera Theatre.

[gray-autumn-sky]

Start of Something New, Chapter 9

For @doqweek Day 4: Enchanted Forest; a follow up to the last chapter. Mal reluctantly voices her insecurities about their relationship.

Previous installments of this verse can be found HERE.

Regina’s eyes are heavy and she can feel herself losing the battle to stay awake; and in spite of herself and her desire to savor all of this for just a little longer, she feels herself drifting to sleep for just a couple minutes longer…

It’s their last night in Bora Bora, and they’re all stretched out in a messy tangle of limbs on the bed. It’s been a week of absolute splendor-- late nights and early mornings, waking each other with warm kisses and soft touches, sending waves of pleasure through each other. They didn’t follow a schedule or set alarms--and aside from checking in every day with the kids, they were free to do whatever felt right in the moment. It’d been so nice not having to worry, not having to wonder who they might upset or whose feathers might be ruffled by something perfectly innocent like a look or a gesture.

They’d been up all night--sipping wine and talking aimlessly on the terrace, looking out at the water when Mal fell quiet. Robin and Regina exchanged glances before looking for at her, finding her a bit wistful and lost in thought. She’d brushed it off at first; she hadn’t wanted to spoil the evening--and at first, they’d accepted that, pouring more wine as they’d watched the sunset.

But Mal hadn’t come back to them--she’d stayed lost in her thoughts, staring off in the darkness.

Regina’s fingers strummed over her knee and Robin leaned in a little and finally, in a quiet voice she’d admitted that sometimes none of it felt real. At first, she hadn’t wanted to elaborate. She changed tried to change the subject and she’d tried to move them on, but both Robin and Regina kept coming back to it--not wanting to just it go, knowing that if they didn’t pull it out of her now, she’d only blame the wine in the morning.

Finally, she’d sighed and drawn up her legs, hugging them to herself as she looked between them with sad and distant eyes--and admitted she wondered if there’d come a time when they’d move on, when they’d want to go back to it being just the two of them rather than the three of them. She’d taken a breath and shrugged, almost resigned to its inevitability as her eyes fell away from theirs and she admitted that she wouldn’t blame them , it’d be an easier life.

No matter what they said, it was difficult to reassure her--and though she smiled and nodded and said that she believed them when they said that they loved her--the doubt and sadness remained. She’d bristle a bit as she finished off her wine, shaking her head and laughing, as she apologized for ruining a perfectly lovely evening.

“Mal,” Regina cut in. “We’re not Stephan and Briar Rose. We won’t just decide that… this isn’t what we want.”

“Perhaps not,” she’d murmured, as her shoulder shrugged. “But you two are the ones with the fairytale love--soul mates and pixie dust and destinies entwined.”

“It’s never occurred to you that… maybe you’re a part of that?” Robin asked. “That perhaps you are part of what makes Regina and I meant to be together.”

The sentiment touched her--her misty eyes made that apparent--but she didn’t believe it, and she quickly insisted on changing the subject--and reluctantly Robin and Regina agreed, but every now and then, they catch her, drifting away from them--and they hadn’t hesitated to pull her back in with sweet smiled and lingering touches, determined to remind her of their love in whatever way they can...

Regina’s hand curls around Mal’s and her stomach flutters as they walk down the cobblestone path toward a tavern near the Sherwood Forest. She’s still not entirely used to it--this game that she can Mal play whenever she can sneak away from the castle, usually only when the king travels--and without an excessive amount of alcohol, she finds it difficult to work up her nerve.  But Mal tugs her along and she easily follows, anticipation bubbling within her--and she knows she’ll more than enjoy herself once it’s started.

The tavern is dimly lit and it’s just past dusk--and they’re far enough from the kingdom that she won’t be recognized. They have a drink together--and then another, and another, taking their time as they survey the room--and then finally, Regina’s eyes settle on someone.

A grin twists onto Mal’s lips as she follows Regina’s gaze to blue-eyed man sitting at one of the tables. His laugh is loud and his eyes are kind. “What do you think?” Regina asks, looking momentarily to Mal, and then back again. “He could… work.”

“Mm, yes,” Mal nods, a low laugh rumbling up from her. “He could work just fine.”

And then Regina’s smile fades a bit as she watches a woman round the table, smiling brightly as she sits on his lip. His smile broaden at the sight of her and his arm slips around her waist as she draws him into a kiss. Her fingers slide to the back of his neck, and from where she and Mal are sitting, she can see the man smiling into the kiss. “Or… not.”

“I… wouldn’t rule him out just yet,” Mal says as another man rounds the table, his hand slipping over the woman’s back. She pulls out of the kiss hand smiles up at him as he offers her his hand--and Regina’s eyebrows arch as his arm slips around her waist and he presses a kiss to her cheek, as he the other man kisses the back of her hand and grins, sipping his drink as he watches them go. “Because it appears, he just allowed his wife to go upstairs with another man.” She chuckles softly and takes a quick sip of her drink. “And you know what’s… upstairs.”

“How do you know they’re married?”

“The rings,” Mal says easily. “You know I have an eye for…”

“Anything shiny, I know,” Regina laughs and her bottom lip catches between her teeth as she looks back at the man. “So, you think…”

“I think I want to watch you seduce him,” Mal interjects as Regina turns back to face her. “It’s your turn.”

“But I’ve never…” She stops, quickly looking back over her shoulder. “It’s just… you’re usually the one to…”

“Yes, but, you like this one, so… go.” Regina’s stomach flutters as her eyes meet Mal’s and she watches as grin tugs onto her lips. “Go,” she urges. “It’ll be fun. I promise.”

Regina sighs as her eyes start to flutter and she stretches out on the bed--and suddenly she’s aware that it’s daylight. She can feel the sun streaming into the room and she presses her eyes closed, rolling over to feel emptiness beside her.

She lifts her head and she feels a bit disoriented--and she watches as Robin tucks the stuffed lobster they’d brought for Esme into one of their suitcases, as Mal folds a pair of shorts.

“How long was I asleep?”

A grin pulls onto Mal’s lips as she drops the sbhorts into the suitcase. “Quite a while,” she says, walking back toward the bed as Robin turns, zipping the suitcase. “You were the first to sleep and the last to wake.” Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she reaches out and tucks Regina’s hair behind her ear. “But, then, we did exhaust you, didn’t we?”

Robin chuckles softly as he turns to face them. “We didn’t want to wake, but… it’s almost eleven and…”

“Oh! Our flight!”

“You still have two hours, love.”

“But I need to print the tickets and…”

A victorious little smile tugs onto Robin’s lips. “We took care of it.”

“You two…”

“Yes,” Mal says, “We… managed to figure it out.” She laughs. “After about an hour.”

Regina rolls her eyes, “And you’re sure you printed out the right thing? I’d hate to…”

“Here,” Robin cuts in, unzipping a pouch at the front of the suitcase. “I’ll prove it.” Mal chuckles as Regina’s eyebrows arch, and Robin reaches in, pulling out a few pieces of printer paper, bearing the name of their airline--and then, between them is another piece and piece that catches Robin’s eye.

Regina and Mal exchange glances as Robin sets the tickets on the dresser and unfolds the paper. “This looks like one of Henry’s storybook pages,” Robin murmurs, unfolding it as Regina and Mal lean forward for a better look, and and a smile curls onto her lips as she sees an illustration of the three of them sitting at a table in Robin’s tavern, smiling and drinking together--and Regina feels a flicker of a memory, or maybe just a fragment of a hazy dream.

“I… don’t understand,” Mal says, shaking her head as she takes the illustration and looks between Regina and Robin. “This never happened.”

“No,” Robin says easily. “But maybe…”

“Maybe it was supposed to,” Regina murmurs as a warm smile tugs onto her lips--and Mal’s breath hitches in her throat as she smiles.

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 88

Warnings: none

Tagging: @tragiclyhip, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007

The final attempt at sleep had been successful. Although the road ahead of him is destined to be long and extremely difficult -and no doubt agonizing- his brief moment of wakefulness had done wonders to life Esme’s spirits. That chance to speak to him; to see him open his eyes and know -with one hundred percent certainty- that he was able to acknowledge her. It wasn’t a drug induced incoherent rambling or hallucination. He actually saw her and was able to engage; giving appropriate responses and showing concern for her and the baby. Able to express how he was feeling and that telling her he loved her. No one could ever possibly understand how just incredible that small moment was, or what an enormous impact it had on her state of mind. She knows it won’t be easy. There will be weeks, even months, of healing; tremendous pain and more hard times than easy ones. A full recovery could take as long as a couple of years; countless rounds of physical rehab will be needed and most likely therapy for mental health and addiction issues.  But he’s already shown just how tenacious and strong he actually is; his will to live a lot more powerful than the agony he’s experiencing. With so much to live for, his desire to be with his family again is his main driving force, and she knows he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to get back on his feet again.

Nathan may have been able to break his body, but he hadn’t made a dent in his spirit.

The burden she’s been carrying -the fear, worry, and uncertainty- had been lessened, and she’d been able to drift off; both body and mind allowing her to rest. So soundly in fact, that she’d only briefly stirred in the wee hours of the morning when Julie had come in while on her rounds. Merely lifting her head from the pillow; quietly observing as the nurse switched empty IV and medicine bags with full ones. Then she’d simply rolled over, pulled the blankets over her head, and easily drifted off.

Her sleep once again had been filled with dreams of the past. Millie’s first steps and how ecstatic and proud Tyler had been; never getting to experience many of Austin’s milestones because of deployments. How tearful he’d been the morning he’d walked into her room and Millie -who’d  been standing up in her crib, excitedly bouncing up and down at the mere sight of him- had called him ‘daddy’ for the very first time.  And the way he’d broken down in the delivery room when the twins had been born -even harder than he had when his daughter came into the world- and the nurse had given him TJ and said “Here’s your son”.   He’d lost his first, and getting that moment again -a baby boy presented to him- had profoundly affected him  A man that rightfully shouldn’t even have been alive. Who’d been given a second chance and at times didn’t feel as if he deserved it. There are still times he thinks that way. When the demons of the past resurface and play havoc on his brain; convincing him that the mistakes of a younger man and the amount of blood on his hands has turned him into a monster. It’s the nightmare of living with mental health issues and PTSD; those dark moments where he questions his mere existence and openly states that he doesn’t deserve the life he has now; a wife and children that love and accept him unconditionally.  

It’s hard for people to understand. How a man that is so big and so strong -and often intimidating- can have those kinds of thoughts and vulnerable moments. But they don’t know everything that he’s battled. His childhood is one of his best kept secrets; only her and Koen know the full extent of his father’s behaviour, the abuse inflicted, and the long term damage it has caused. It’s not something he readily talks about; even with her.  That toxic masculinity still gets the better of him at times. His father’s attempts at beating into him that a man -a REAL MAN- doesn’t show emotion; it means that he’s weak and there’s nothing more pathetic than being weak. And she’s tried to break him of it; years spent assuring him that he isn’t a weak man.  A weak man would have given up in that storage facility. In the same way he would have given up on the Sultana Kamal Bridge seven years ago.  And he certainly never would have survived the nightmare of his upbringing. Nor would he be so determined to be a better man; the kind of husband and father that a wife and kids can brag about and proud of. Who never have to live in fear of him ; cowering every time he raises his voice or even comes too close to them. Who know -beyond the shadow of a doubt- how much he loves him.

Tyler Rake is anything BUT weak. And he’d shown that the night before.  Somehow finding a way to battle his way through this thick haze of multiple medications; gathering the strength to not only open his eyes, but actually think coherently and communicate. He was right. He DOES do whatever he wants.

When she finally wakes, it’s to the patter of rain against the window and the sounds of hospital life trickling through the half open door. Doctors being paged, the shrill ring of patients’ using their call buttons to summon for help, the loud rattle of gurneys being pushed through the halls. It’s a harsh reminder of her current situation; stuck in the ICU of a private hospital in Dhaka, thousands of miles away from her children and the comforts and security of her own home.  She misses it. The sound and the smell of the ocean. The morning breeze and sunshine as she stands out on the back deck enjoying that first cup of tea, watching her husband as he helps Millie and the twins search -and dig, at times- for shells, rocks, and beach glass. Often wondering who is enjoying the quality time more; father or children. The  dinners cooked on an open fire down by the water; the smiles brought to their faces -and that unconditional love and immense pride in his eyes- as they watch their children play and listen to those little voices and musical giggles floating on the air. And those strong, protective arms wrapped around her from behind as she sits between his legs. Her head resting against his chest as they quietly marvel at the sky; painted vivid shades of orange and pink as the sun sets.  

It’s a life she had never even dared to dream about; a beautiful home in an even more even more beautiful place,  amazing children and a husband that is faithful and loyal and only has eyes for her.  All those things that she’d come to believe SHE didn’t deserve and had long ago given up on finding. How poetic in a way; two broken people coming together to make a slightly dented whole.

Sighing heavily, she rolls from side to back; eyes closed as she stretches and yawns The morning sickness has returned. With a vengeance. More than likely made worse by lack of food and the stress and worry that have accompanied the last twenty four hours. When she manages to quell the threatening nausea and brief spell of dizziness, she opens her eyes and sits up, finding a small paper bag sitting on the extra pillow beside her; name written on the front of it in black marker. And the contents bring the first genuine smile since yesterday morning; aside from Tyler’s brief period of consciousness. A bottle of prenatal vitamins, a small carton of chocolate milk, and an enormous blueberry muffin. Accompanied by a handwritten note from Julie; asking Esme to promise she’ll look after herself AND the baby, assurance that she’ll be back on in the evening, and her home phone number. The latter being offered as not only a ‘helpline’ if she feels overwhelmed and scared and needs someone to vent and cry to, but so she can give the nurse a list of some of her favorite foods. Julie vowing to bring a selection when she clocks in for her shift. It’s refreshing; having someone WANT to take care of her in that motherly fashion. Especially when her own has been anything but.

She shoves her feet into her sandals and climbs off the bed; returning  it to its couch form. “Hey baby,” she greets as she stands at the side of Tyler’s bed; combing her fingers through his hair and pressing her lips to his temple. “Good morning.  I hope you slept god. You didn’t snore, I know that much. That’s a first, huh? Me not complaining about your snoring? Must have been a really good sleep for you to be THAT quiet. You deserve it; that kind of sleep. Your face looks a little better, I think. Not as swollen. Pretty bruised though. And you’re going to have a couple wicked scars at the end of this.”

Her fingers gently touch the stitches below and above his eye.

“You’d probably joke about how it balances your face out; the right catching up with the left in the scar department.  I think they’re going to make you even sexier. Which should be illegal, if you ask me. One man being that sexy?  No wonder you’re a DILF. The thirsty ladies may drive me crazy, but I can’t really blame them. Right now I’m kind of mad at you though. I am so nauseous. And I swear, the bump is even bigger this morning...look…”   she pushes her fingers through his, then draws their joined hands through the safety railing and places them on her stomach.  “...bigger, right? You can’t tell me this is normal. None of the other ones were this size so soon. Not even Declan, and he was over ten pounds when he was born. And you better not be thinking multiples; one is all we can handle right about now.  Let’s not bite off more than we can chew, alright? Six is more than enough. And speaking of babies, I’m going to ask Ovi to bring Addie here. She’s tiny still, Tyler. She shouldn’t be away from us this long. Especially me. She needs to be with her momma. And I think it would do you some good, too; having at least one of them here. So that’s my decision and you’re just  going to have to live with it.”

She moves his hand back inside the confines of the bed, gently setting it on the mattress

“I love you,” she says, and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You keep sleeping, okay? And I hope if you’re dreaming, it’s good things for a change.”

****

She gives a small start when she exits the bathroom and finds Koen sitting in the bedside chair. Sipping from a take out cup of coffee and freshly shaven;  his face bearing its own fair share of bruises and a handful of  butterfly bandages keeping small, superficial wounds closed.

“Morning, sunshine!” He cheerfully greets, and nods to the cup of tea and a bag of fast food breakfast sitting on the window ledge. “I finally get to see you in your sexy jammies.”

Esme gives a derisive snort. “You DO have issues if you find sweatpants and an oversized shirt sexy,” she says as she journeys over to the window “I was going to give you shit for scaring the crap out of me, but seeing as you come bearing gifts, I’ll let it slide.”  She peers into the bag, a grin tugging at her lips. “Either it was just a lucky guess, or you somehow know that when I’m pregnant, I always crave breakfast burritos.”

“There’s a lot I know about you. Someone talks about you. All the time.  Mostly about shit I don’t need to know.”

“Well I’m glad you listened. Because this is a very nice surprise. Thank you,” she lays a hand on his shoulder and presses a kiss to his cheek. “And what’s up with this?” She lightly taps a hand against the side of his face. “All cleaned up. Smooth like a baby’s bum.”

“I thought there might be some hot nurses walking around. Want to put my best foot forward. Maybe you can hook me up; put in a good word for me.”

“Why would you want to hook with someone here? You’ll be going home soon.”

“Exactly.”

“Ewww…” she grimaces. “...I don’t need to know that you’re a ‘pump and dump’.”

“Considering the things I’ve had to hear from you and him?”  Koen nods in Tyler’s direction. “What I said is tame. I’ve actually had to listen to you two….”

“I thought you were moving on from random hookups?”  Esme remarks, and she perches on the arm of his chair and delves into one of the burritos. “I thought you were getting too old for that shit?”

“Excuse me, who are you calling old?”

“I thought Tyler was rubbing off on you. That he was some sort of inspiration to you and Rata; convincing you two it was time to stop sowing your wild oats and settle down once and for all.  Didn’t you say it gave you hope? That if...and I quote…’someone can put up with the likes of him, that’s proof there IS someone out there for everyone’.”

“I did say that.”

“So what gives? Why are you looking for a random? You deserve more than that”

“Well if he was awake and could tell me where to find another one of you, I’d be all set.”

“Sorry. I’m limited edition. And I’ve already been claimed. A couple breakfast burritos just aren’t enough to make me divorce my husband and run away with you. It definitely takes more than that.”

“I knew I should have gotten you hash browns too.”

“That would have done it! Boy, did you ever blow that.  I would have for sure ran away with you. Right this very second.”

“You know, as much as I enjoy our little banter, I don’t think I could handle you.”

“Oh, you definitely couldn’t.  It takes a special breed of man, believe me. And I’m serious; aren’t you tired of NOT having someone to call your own? Someone to go home to at the end of the day? Someone that is your ‘be and end all’? Your ‘ride or die’?. You deserve to be happy. I WANT you to be happy.”

“I think Tyler took all the happy and didn’t leave any for anyone else.”

“When we get home, I am finding someone for you. I don’t care what it takes; I will put you on every dating site out there.”

“What about your sister? Or step sister. Whatever she is.”

“Riley? Are you serious? She’s twenty three!”

“And?”

“And you’re thirty years older than she is!”

“How old do you think I am?”

“I know you’re eight years older than Tyler. He’s almost forty two. So I lied; you’re only twenty seven years old than she is.”

“And?”

“And that’s fucking disturbing!”

Koen shrugs. “She’s cute”

“She is. You know who else finds her cute? Women. Who she is into. And she’s not a switch hitter.”

“Doesn’t take after her older sister, huh?”

Esme frowns. “He told you THAT, too?”

“He’s told me a lot of things, sunshine. You forget; he’s a chatty drunk. Until he’s a depressed and weepy drunk, that is.”

“There are many sides to him you don’t get to see. Sober sides. And don’t worry; my sister isn’t in contention, but I WILL find someone for you.   And speaking of someone, where’s your sidekick?”

“He saw something downstairs he liked.”

“Really…” she playfully wriggles her eyebrows. “...blond or brunette?”

“Something in the gift shop. For the baby.”

“He knows?”

“EVERYONE knows.”

“Yaz has a big mouth,” Esme grumbles. “We weren’t going to tell anyone until we got home and found how far along I am. It’s what Tyler and I wanted.”

“I could gather a guess. About how far.”

“Sure you could,” she mutters. “And why do you keep looking at me like that? Why do you keep staring at my crotch?”

“I’m looking at your stomach. Where’d that come from?”

“It’s been there. I’ve just been hiding it because no one was supposed to know! Now that everyone does,  I guess I don’t have to wear baggy clothes anymore.  And it’s big, right? The bump? Bigger than any of the others?”

“How should I know? I only saw you pregnant with Millie and Addie. Never saw  you with any of the boys.”

“It’s never been like this so soon! How big IS this baby?”

“Look at the size of the kid’s father. Maybe it’s taking after him. Or maybe there’s more than one.”

“Why would you do that? Why would you think it? Don’t put that out into the universe. There’s just one. That’s it. That will make it six. A nice even number.”

“Number six must be pretty damn big then.”

“You know what? You’re off my Christmas card list. There’s no way we’re running away together. You totally shit the bed. No second chances for you.

“What if I bring you chocolate?”

“Not even then. You just had to jinx the entire thing.”

Koen gives an over dramatic pout.

“Buddy, I have seen better pouts on a much bigger man. That won’t work on me. You have nothing on Tyler’s pout.”

“He doesn’t pout.”

“He sure as shit does. I’m going to prove it one day. I’m going to catch him doing it and take a picture. Then I’ll have the evidence. Tanner has the EXACT same pout; he mostly does it when he’s sleeping.”

“Speaking of pictures, I’ve got a little something for ya.”   Koen reaches into the side pocket  of his cargo pants, pulling out his cell and then thumbing through the gallery; choosing the image he wants and offering the phone to her. “Thought it would make you smile. The world’s a shitty place when you don’t. You got yourself a pretty nice smile.”

“You’ve been taking ass kissing lessons from the best, haven’t you,” she chides, then pops the last of her breakfast into her mouth and wipes her hands on her thighs. “Oh...my...god…”  she breathes, and almost squeals in delight at the sight before her. Her husband long before the hardness and weariness brought on by his time in the military, substance abuse issues, and the dangers of the job. Before all of those demons took hold of him and he’d yet to go under a tattoo artist’s needle and no scars marred his body.  Tall and lean; broad shouldered and bearing the start of the strong and solid physique of a soldier. A brush cut and a smooth, clean face; the smile -genuine and pure- making his eyes crinkle and sparkle.

“Back when he couldn’t even grow a proper beard yet,” Koen muses. “When he was still wet behind the ears. Nothing hard ass about that bloke in the picture, is there.”

“Where did you get this?” Esme can’t explain it; the tug at her heart and the emotion choking at her and the tears that well in her eyes. There’s something so surreal about it; seeing the person you love long before a hard and unpredictable life got a hold of them.

“Found a box of old pictures when I was going through some stuff back home. Meant to show it to him, but never got around to it. You mentioned before that you’ve never seen what he looked like before...well...before all of this.”

“I’ve only ever ever seen one picture of him. When he was five; with his mom on his first day of kindergarten.  He doesn’t have any other ones; he says it’s not worth the grief he’ll get if he asks his dad if he has any.   This is…I don’t know...it’s amazing. You have no idea what this means to me; seeing this. ESPECIALLY right now. This is everything. You can’t possibly understand what this does for me.”

“I think I do. I know how you feel about him. That you’re just as much a fool in love as he is.”

“I certainly am,” she smiles. “How old is he here?”

“Nineteen. Hadn’t been out of basic long; a couple weeks maybe. When he was a cocky little shit and as green as fresh baby shit.  Cute, ain’t he?”

“Very cute. It’s weird seeing him like this. I’ve only seen MY Tyler. The one I’ve spent seven years with.  I’ve never seen THIS Tyler. I know that sounds strange.”

“I’ve heard stranger.”

“Fourteen year old me would have had a huge crush on him.”

“What was fourteen year old Esme like?”

“Awkward. Geeky. Short as fuck and chubby.  I had braces and jet black hair and I dressed like a goth. Big old Doc Marten boots that went up to my knees and everything.”

“Now THAT I’d like to see.”

“I don’t even have pictures of ME when I was that young. Tyler’s never seen old photos of me, either. I think the youngest he’s ever seen me was when I was twenty-three and just got into the Corps.  It’s what happens; when your family is toxic and you’d rather not deal with them. Can you send this to me? I’d  love to have this. And I’d love to show the kids. Especially Millie. She’d like to see her daddy when he was young and cute.”

“I’ll send it to ya. And when we get home, I’ll bring that box down and we can go through it. I’m sure there’s more you’d love to have. “

“Thank you.” She can’t hold back the tears. “You have no idea what it means to me. Even just having one picture. And I’m sorry; that I’m a whiny bitch baby. I would like to be able to blame it on the baby and my hormones, but it’s not those things. It’s just me. I’m not exactly having the best twenty four hours. I miss my kids. I hate being so far away from them. Especially Addie. But I can’t leave Tyler here. I just can’t.”

“I could stay,” Koen offers. “He wouldn’t be alone, you know that.”

“And I appreciate it, I do. But I need to be here with him. I didn’t leave him seven years ago, and I’m sure as hell not leaving him now. It’ll be better; when he gets sent to a hospital back home. Closest one is an hour from the house. It’ll be better than.”

“Well I’ll stick around as long as you need me to. Sort of made a promise that I’d take care of ya. I ain’t breaking it.”

“You’re all heart, Koen. You can pretend to be surly and hard ass all you want. I’m onto you.”

“Yeah, well I kind of like that giant, dumb ass bloke you’re married to. And you’re growing on me. So I figure I might as well step up and take his spot and treat like you like the queen you are.”

“You smooth talker,” she teases, ruffling his hair and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you. For the picture. You really don’t know how grateful I am for it. And thanks for being here; for both of us.”

“Anytime, sunshine.”

“And thank you for being with him yesterday. I could tell he was scared and in pain, and when I think what would have happened if he’d been alone…”

“Well he wasn’t. Alone. So don’t even think about that.”

“Thank you for getting him out of there. At least if he DID die, he wouldn’t have been left there. I don’t think I’d ever get over that; if I had to leave him here. I couldn’t cope with that.”

“Let’s not think about that, yeah? He got through it. He got out of there and it’s only uphill from here.”

“He really thought he was going to die, didn’t he.”

“Honestly? We all thought he was going to die.”

She releases a long, shaky sigh and blinks back tears.  “I’m glad you were there with him. At least if the worst happened, he wouldn’t have been by himself. That is my biggest fear when it comes to the job; that if it DOES happen, he’ll be alone. I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does. I just don’t want him to be alone...you know...IF…”

“Can’t dwell on stuff like that. You’ll drive yourself insane. Or give yourself gray hair.”

“Bold of you to assume I don’t already HAVE gray hair.”

“I don’t see anything.”

“I appreciate you feeding my ego, but I know you can see it. And believe, every one of my gray hairs has Tyler’s name on them. Maybe TJ too. Go figure; the junior being a TRUE junior.”

“That kid is his dad through and through. Tough on the outside, all heart on the inside. And that Millie…”

“Female version of him.”

“Exactly. It’s fitting if you ask me; him having a girl first and her being just like him. Gonna have his hands full with her.”

“She called last night. Wanting to talk to him. She had a bad dream and he always makes her feel better after a bad dream. Daddy’s the one that chases all the monsters away. She has so much faith in him; she knows he’d never ignore her. She’s already questioning why she can’t get a hold of him. I have to tell them; I can’t keep lying to them. And I’d rather they hear it from me than someone else. They’ll take it better if it comes from me, I think.”

Koen nods in agreement.

“But on the bright side, he had a really good night. An amazing night, actually. He woke up. Twice. Once for the nurse, once for me.”

Koen frowns.

“What?”

“He woke up?”

Esme nods. “The first time, Julie...his night nurse…said he woke up and   wanted to know who the hell she was and that he asked for me. And he even told her he was feeling sick and she gave him some meds for it.”

“Hmm…”

“Second time, he opened his eyes and looked right at me. Told me to not cry. He said he wasn’t in any pain and that he was just tired. And he asked if the baby was okay and he said he loved me. It was amazing; to see him open his eyes and hear his voice.”

“Are you sure? That this happened?”

“What do you mean am I sure? Of course I’m sure. Why wouldn't I be?”

“Thought the doctor said they weren’t going to bring him out sedation for a few days? At least.”

“Julie said it isn’t uncommon; moments of wakefulness and some lucidity.  It’s just sedation, it’s not a medically induced coma  like last time.”

“He actually woke up? After everything he went through during the day? All the surgeries, the amount of meds they’re pushing into him? He opened his eyes and talked to you?”

“That’s  exactly what happened. Why are you questioning it? I wouldn’t lie about this.”

“I’m not saying you’re lying. Maybe you were dreaming. Maybe you were hallucinating from lack of sleep.”

“I wasn’t dreaming and I wasn’t seeing things. He woke up, looked at me, and talked to me. It happened. It was real.”

“Esme, don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe it was wishful thinking on your part and…”

“It happened,” she insists. “I was there. I witnessed it.”

“And I was there in that storage and in that van. I know what kind of shape he was in; I know how close he was to lights out. Permanently. And you’re telling me, after all the injuries, all the surgeries, all the meds, he just woke up? The same day?”

“I know it sounds crazy. And I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me either. But I SAW it. With my own two eyes. And you know how tough he is; how damn stubborn he is.   Does it really surprise you that of all the people who would fight THIS hard, it’s Tyler?  You know him; you know how strong he is.  You know he’d do anything for me and the kids. So is that big of a stretch that he’d wake up like that? Even if it was just to give me some hope?”

Koen sighs.

“He woke up AND he talked to me. And you know what? It was incredible and made me feel better; to know his brain is working and that he’s not giving up. I needed that; some kind of sign that he’s going to be okay And he gave it to me.”

“So why isn’t he awake now?” Koen challenges.

“Maybe he used up all his energy last night and he needs to build it back up again.”

“If he’s got it in him to wake up last night, he should be awake right now.  I’ve got some shit to say to him for scaring me as bad as he did. How come he’s not up now and talking to me?”

“I don’t know. I only know what happened last night. I only know…”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” Tyler’s voice -weak, groggy, and slightly slurred by the effects of medication- pipes up. “Now shut the fuck up. You’re given me a headache.”

“See!” Esme smiles triumphantly.  “I told you.”

****

When she returns from taking a much needed shower, she finds Rata outside Tyler’s room tightly clutching a gift bag from the shop in the front lobby and pacing at a near frantic rate. It’s odd to see him this way, clearly frazzled and nervous shoulders tense;  chewing on his bottom lip and occasionally stopping and peering into the room. Normally he’s the ‘life of the party’; clueless in an adorable way, always acting far less intelligent than he actually is  just to get a laugh. Possessing an air of confidence without an ounce of cockiness; quick with sarcastic comments and witty comebacks. The ‘uncle’ that always sits at the kids’ tables during Christmas dinner and then helps build lego sets and put together toy car race tracks instead of socializing with the adults.

“Hey you,” she warmly greets, and lays a comforting hand on his back. “You okay?”

He responds by wrapping her in a huge; strong, muscular arms noticeably trembling.

“You alright?” Esme asks, as she runs her hands up and down his biceps.  “You don’t look so good. What’s going on?”

“I don’t like hospitals much. Especially a place like THIS in a hospital.  Where people are really bad.  EXTRA bad.”

“He’s a lot better than anyone thought he would be. Especially so soon And he doesn’t look THAT awful, I swear. He’s even waking up for a little bits at a time. A person who is ‘extra bad’, wouldn't be doing that, would they?”

“I just don’t know if I can go in there just yet. I mean, I was there. Yesterday. In the van. I saw what he was like; how bad he was. And I’ve never seen Tyler like that. I’ve seen him shot a couple times during our tours in the Middle East, but those were nothing. Just flesh wounds, you know? But that? Yesterday? Those weren’t just flesh wounds. And by the time he got back home seven years ago…”

“He was already somewhat on his feet and in rehab.”

Rata nods. “He was almost back to himself. It’s going to be a long while before he gets back to himself this time.”

“Yesterday was pretty awful, huh?

He releases a small, shaky sigh. “Wasn’t so much how he looked. All the blood and what not. I mean, that was bad, don’t get me wrong. It was fucking awful. Pardon my language.”

“I hear and say worse all the time. You don’t have to filter yourself around me. You’ve met my husband, right? You can’t be easily offended AND stay married to him. It just won’t work.”

“It was terrible. A fucking nightmare. To see a friend of yours THAT messed up. But the worst part? It was what he SOUNDED like. When he was talking to you. I’ve never heard him sound like that. Ever.”

“Neither have I,” she admits. “Not seven years ago, not even the two times he tried to...well, you know.  He never sounded like THAT.”

“Like he was going to die.”

“Yesterday I tried telling myself he didn’t sound that way. That he was just tired and scared and in pain and he just needed it to end. I convinced myself that he didn’t sound THAT bad. Near death. Now I realize I was just trying to make myself feel better, know what I mean?”

Rata nods.

“He was a lot closer to it than I want to admit. I thought nothing could be worse than seven years ago. I was so wrong.”

“It was what he said to you. How he said it. He was pretty sure he was never going to see you again.  That’s the only thing he was really scared of; the thought of not getting to be with you anymore.  You and the kids. You’re his entire world. I didn’t think I realized how much he loves you all until I heard the things that came out of his mouth.   Opened my eyes; made me see him a different way. A good way, just different. He’s lucky. He’s got someone that loves him as much as he loves them. That’s something I think we all want but never seem to find.”

“Sometimes I wonder what I ever did right to deserve him,” she confesses. “And he’s here because of you guys. You and Koen. You did whatever you had to go get him here alive. So thank you. I know it wasn’t easy; what you had to see and do. I was there myself. Seven years ago. I know how hard it is.”

“I feel like such a dick. For not being able to go in there. Like a total pussy.”

“You’re not any of those things. People handle stuff like this in different ways. But you should go in there. He’s really not that bad. And he was awake and talking a bit to Koen. I don’t know if he still is, but I do know he’d like to see you. I know how much he appreciates what you did to help him. I’ll go in with you if that would help.”

“It would. A bit. But first,” he offers the gift bag. “ I have something for you. And the baby.”

“The baby won’t be here for months. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. Just a little something.”

She reaches into the bag, smiling at the stuffed tiger that she pulls out of its confines. “How did you remember the tradition? Every Rake baby gets a stuffed animal?”

“Just something that stuck with me, I guess.”

“It’s adorable. Thank you. Better not let Millie get a hold of it. That girl and her stuffed animals, I swear.  You didn't have to do this. You didn’t…”  her voice trails off, fingers reaching for the familiar object tied to the ribbon around the tiger’s neck. Eyes narrowed at first, then slowly widening when the realization sets in it.   “Where did you find this? Where…?”

“I didn’t find it. Tyler gave it to me. Before we got to the storage place. He asked me to give it to you if something went wrong.”

“He did?” Esme unties the thin piece of fabric, sliding the ring off of it and then cradling it in her palm.

“He wanted me to make sure you got it. If he didn’t make it. Said it was important that you got it.”

“I thought it was lost,” her voice cracks with emotion. “I thought maybe he took it off beforehand and put it in his pocket and it fell out. Or that the ER staff misplaced it. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again.”

“I should have given it to you right away. Yesterday. Please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying because of what you did or didn’t do. I thought it was gone. Forever. And I know it’s not much; it’s not expensive or fancy or anything like that. But it’s his. All the dents and scratches that he’s on it over the years. Sounds weird, but they all mean something.  I really thought I’d never see it again. And I didn’t think  I’d be as torn about it as I was. But it killed me inside; when I couldn’t find it. It felt like a piece of him was gone and I was just waiting for all the other pieces to disappear too. Thank you; you have no idea how much this means to me. To have this back.”

She hooks the handle of the bag around her wrist, then reaches around to the nape of her neck and removes the necklace -the custom made piece with the beach glass Millie had found- and slips the ring onto the chain.

“I’ll do it,” Rata offers, and steps behind her. Large fingers clumsy and struggling at first, but then manage to secure the clasp.

Esme lays a palm over the ring, firmly pressing it into her chest. Feeling the smooth, cool   metal with its many imperfections, the familiar weight of it against her. And the relief that simple piece of jewellery brings is profound, stifling sobs with both of her hands as she turns and tightly embraces her friend.