#pacat is sICK!!! SICK

[livingasaghost]

still devastated by the end of dark heir btw

[stolligaseptember]

[sllhouettedreams]

One could say im coping quite well after dark heir

They'd be wrong, of course

[aroace-cat-lady]

if James doesn't stop talking about how Will is his savior from the dark king I might start vomiting

[lucky-clover-gazette]

captive prince book 1 highlights & annotations

chapter 7

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Seeing no reason whatsoever to cooperate with that order, Damen stood up.

very much a “damen is not a slave” moment. this is the opposite of what they’ve been trained to do.

‘You are really courting danger tonight,’ Laurent said. ‘Am I? I thought I was appealing to your better nature. Order whatever punishment you like, from the coward’s distance of a chain-length. You and Govart are two of a kind.’

yessss, question his integrity! i love that they both get really pissed off when they’re implied to be bad people, but only by each other. it’s like they’ve mutually identified each other as their own personal moral arbiters, and couldn’t stop caring even if they tried.

Laurent transferred his gaze back to Damen and said, pleasantly, ‘Does that bother you? I recall you being free with your own hands, not so very long ago.’ ‘That was—’ Damen flushed. He wanted to deny that he’d done anything of the kind, but he remembered rather unequivocally that he had.

called out for enjoying the bath scene a little too much

‘I promise you, Govart did a great deal more than simply enjoy the view.’

vine boom so you WERE enjoying the view

‘To a slave,’ Laurent said. ‘The Prince’s Guard doesn’t interfere with the Regency. Govart can stick his cock into anything of my uncle’s he likes.’ Damen made a sound of disgust. ‘With your blessing?’ ‘Why not?’ said Laurent. His voice was honeyed. ‘He certainly had my blessing to fuck you, but it turned out he’d rather take a blow to the head. Disappointing, but I can’t fault his taste. Then again, maybe if you’d spread in the ring, Govart wouldn’t have been so hot to get inside your friend.’

context of what laurent is implying here (not what’s actually true): this is not laurent’s command or responsibility, but the regent’s. and it’s somehow damen’s fault that this happened to erasmus, because he didn’t let govart take him instead, which is what laurent had intended to happen. massive laurent ethical L on both counts. do better.

Damen said, ‘This isn’t a scheme of your uncle’s. I don’t take orders from men like Govart. You’re wrong.’ ‘Wrong,’ said Laurent. ‘How lucky I am to have servants to point out my shortcomings. What makes you think I will tolerate any of this, even if I believed what you are saying to be true?’ ‘Because you can end this conversation any time you like.’

damen won this interaction! called out laurent for clearly giving a shit, because he’s still talking!

also, craft note: great back-and-forth throughout this entire exchange

With so much at stake, Damen was sick of certain kinds of exchanges; the kind Laurent favoured, and enjoyed, and was good at. Wordplay for its own sake; words that built traps. None of it meant anything.

i have several hundred annotations that suggest otherwise

‘When someone doesn’t like you very much, it isn’t a good idea to let them know that you care about something,’ said Laurent.

context: nicaise :( and horse :( and a lot of things :(

break the cycle of abuse laurent i know you can do it

‘Would it hurt worse than a lashing for me to cut down someone you care for?’ said Laurent.

context: laurent knows, from experience, that the answer is yes

‘I don’t think I need to bring in more men,’ said Laurent. ‘I think all I have to do is tell you to kneel, and you’ll do it. Without me lifting a finger to help anyone.’ ‘You’re right,’ said Damen. ‘I can end this any time I like?’ said Laurent. ‘I haven’t even begun.’

damen won the confrontation morally, and they both know it. laurent won in practice by being intentionally immoral, and instead reminding damen that he has been given power over him that he can abuse. this is exactly what the regent has done to laurent, over and over again. sad.

Laurent said, ‘There is no bargain between us. A prince does not make deals with slaves and insects. Your promises are worth less to me than dirt. Do you understand me?’ ‘Perfectly,’ said Damen.

translation: “you win.” “i know.”

Damen rethought that particular approach. He turned over the information he’d just been given. Re-examined it. Turned it over again. ‘What changed your mind?’ Damen said, carefully.

context: maybe i’m too optimistic, but i think it’s genuinely an ethical decision on laurent’s part. there’s a strategic purpose in here, too, but that’s more of a convenience. laurent knew he was wrong, and might have even connected himself to his uncle and disliked the similarity. he doesn’t act smug when he’s doing something he doesn’t want to do, but he knows he should do this. that’s why he’s pissed at damen, but not playful about it at all. so i do think this was ultimately a “laurent was called on his bullshit, and has too much integrity not to act based on that callout” thing.

‘I’m not sure that I believe anything that you’ve just told me,’ Damen said. ‘Do you have a choice?’ ‘No.’

silver lining for laurent: re-asserts his own power and moral high ground by helping damen, instead of threatening him in a way they both know is fucked up

He has experienced things many adults have not, and his mind is no longer that of a child.

laurent would know :(

‘Is there anyone at this court who isn’t my enemy?’ ‘Not if I can help it,’ Laurent said.

okay this is just him being mean. it’s his enrichment 

‘So he’s tame,’ said Estienne, and reached out tentatively, as though to pat a wild animal. It was a question of which part of the animal he was patting. Damen knocked his hand away. Estienne gave a yelp and snatched his hand back, nursing it against his chest. ‘Not that tame,’ said Laurent. He didn’t reprimand Damen. He didn’t seem particularly displeased with barbaric behaviour, as long as it was directed outward. Like a man who enjoys owning an animal who will rake others with its claws but eat peacefully from his own hand, he was giving his pet a great deal of license.

they’re insane

As a result, courtiers kept one eye on Damen, giving him a wide berth. Laurent used that to his advantage, using the propensity of courtiers to fall back in reaction to Damen’s presence as a means of extricating himself smoothly from conversation. The third time this happened Damen said, ‘Shall I make a face at the ones you don’t like, or is it enough to just look like a barbarian?’ ‘Shut up,’ said Laurent, calmly.

emotional collapse animal to keep people from annoying laurent. love the banter here. damen knows that’s exactly what’s happening, and laurent is annoyed that he knows, because it makes him seem like an antisocial loser, which he is

Torveld was a handsome man in his forties

ew. leave laurent alone. he’s like half your age and he has specific trauma that makes this particularly uncomfortable

He reconciled himself to an evening of listening to Laurent lying a great deal, about everything. Laurent was a nest of scorpions in the body of one person. To hear that Akielos was weakened was as painful as Laurent must have meant it to be.

context: not entirely sold on the idea that laurent is having this conversation about akielos specifically to upset damen, but i get why damen feels that way

‘I wish we had more time together,’ said Torveld, showing no inclination to rise.

GET A JOB. STAY AWAY FROM HER

‘Nephew. You were not invited to these discussions.’ ‘And yet, here I am. It’s very irritating, isn’t it?’ said Laurent. ‘You’ve never applied yourself seriously to anything in your life.’ ‘Haven’t I? Well, then it’s nothing serious, uncle. You have no cause to worry.’

laurent applies himself seriously to most, if not all, of the things he chooses to do. regent just dislikes that laurent has a choice and uses it.

[eatsbooks]

oh baby i have 19% left in dark heir and i am going to finish tonight. pacat has the opportunity to do something sick as hell (release book 3 before midnight so i don’t have to deal with the gaping wound of Not Knowing)

[bloody-wonder]

making progress on old series

let it not be said that i can only start new series🧐

new releases:

empire of the damned by jay kristoff (book two in: empire of the vampire). i might have mentioned this one once or twice already so let's keep it brief. i loved it! even more than book one, i think. love liathe joining the main cast, love jean françois' everything, love how everyone got queerer, love the reveals at the end. very excited for the last book in this series, altho i'm a bit disappointed that it's now three books instead of five - since there are five vampire houses i wanted them to keep taking on a house in each book, with blood chastain being the final boss. very rude of kristoff to betray my vision.

the sunshine court by nora sakavic (book four in: all for the game). i don't think this spin off continuation was necessary and i didn't particularly enjoy it but i'm glad jean stans now have their own sacred text. my biggest fear was that nora would retcon something about the og trilogy and that didn't happen so i can just keep living in peace while mostly ignoring tsc fan content. more thoughts on why i didn't vibe with tsc in these posts.

mislaid in parts half-known by seanan mcguire (book nine in: wayward children). so this series consists of books focused on individual wayward children as well as of ensemble books which are usually weaker and this particular novella unfortunately belongs to the latter category. i still liked it fine and it was a quick read but tbh i'm ready for this series to wrap up so i hope goodreads isn't lying about the next book being the final installment.

fence vol. 6: redemption by cs pacat & johanna the mad. i rated it five stars but ngl i have no memory of what happened in this volume altho i read it in february😅 i like this series overall but i feel like the first few volumes were more exciting. weirdly now that the slow burn is finally starting to pay off i suddenly lose interest😕

heartstopper: volume five by alice oseman. i'm not a big fan of heartstopper in general, i think it's overhyped, but i did like this volume more than the previous ones. maybe i'm biased bc it features tori coming out as ace which prompted me to pick up solitaire which i loved and so it retroactively cast a more favorable light on the graphic novel. looking forward to reading the last volume bc i like finishing things and then i might as well read the nick and charlie novellas - at which point i will have become a person who doesn't like oseman's books all that much and yet has somehow read all but one of them🫤

mammoths at the gates and the brides of high hill by nghi vo (books four and five in: the singing hills cycle). i have only really liked the second singing hills novella so at this point it would be smart to admit that this series is simply not for me and stop reading it but. these books are so short and perfect for when you want to get through something quickly even if you know you're not likely to enjoy it. and if indeed eight stories are planned then it means i have now read more than half so i might as well complete the series🤷‍♀️ *gets shot by sunk cost fallacy police*

series i completed:

regency faerie tales by olivia atwater (read books two and three: ten thousand stitches and longshadow). love love LOVE these books!! i read half a soul last october and ten thousand stitches this january - both times when i was sick in bed and i couldn't have wished for better books to help me recover from a cold. the first one is pride & prejudice meets jonathan strange & mr norrell, the second one is a cinderella retelling, both have lovely romances and can be read as standalones. i think half a soul is fairly popular (and constantly compared to the book that shall not be named😒) but ten thousand stitches is very underappreciated. i for one think it's at least as good, if not better, than half a soul - apparently people just can't appreciate a love interest who isn't angsty and brooding😒 longshadow is a companion novel too but imo it features too many characters and concepts from the previous books so it should definitely be read last. i didn't like it as much bc i think it relies too much on the stuff we already know and love instead of giving its protagonists enough time to shine but it is queer which made me realize we don't have nearly enough queer fae books. what a disgrace🧐

noumena by lindsay ellis (read book three: apostles of mercy). so this was unfortunately mind-bogglingly boring. this type of sci fi is usually not my cup of tea and so i stay away from it but i decided to give this series a try bc it was written by lindsay ellis. the first book was entertaining enough but both sequels bored me to tears. it seems i was under a misconception that the story was gonna be about a sad girl trying to navigate a third thing type of relationship with a freaky alien but it was instead about her navigating instalovey relationships with random humans and the alien was also there sometimes. big disappointment👎

series i'm slowly working my way through:

the memoirs of lady trent by marie brennan (read books two, three and four: the tropic of serpents, the voyage of the basilisk and in the labyrinth of drakes). i read book one last december and liked it just enough to continue the series but every next book after that turned out to be amazing. follow lady trent, a 19th century dragon naturalist and adventurer, legendary as she is scandalous, as she travels through fantasy africa, oceania and arabia in search of dragons living and extinct, starts various political upheavals, makes breathtaking discoveries and finds love - a life journey she recounts as an old woman in a delightfully snarky narrative voice.

book two is my favorite so far bc it found a perfect balance of fast-paced adventurous plot on the one hand and character and relationship development on the other. i'm a bit sad that natalie left the main cast after this book - one of the only two criticisms i have of this series is that the titular lady trent remains the only important woman character. i think it wouldn't be too far-fetched to have one more woman on the team and natalie was a perfect protegée who, might i add, is also canonically ace. hate to see her leave😒

book three introduces a love interest who i at first found kinda bland but he grew on me in book four. my favorite relationship in the series however remains the one between lady trent and her trusted colleague tom wilker with whom they used to butt heads when they first met but who is now her dearest friend and longtime companion on her journeys. there are many books about romance and friendship but not so many about the utter satisfaction of having a coworker you can absolutely rely on. my prediction/wish for the last book is for wilker to turn out to be gay and find love too🤞

the other criticism i have has to do with the worldbuilding and i'll elaborate on it when i complete the series later this year.

the witcher by andrzej sapkowski (read books two and three: the time of contempt and baptism of fire). i'm enjoying this series much more than i thought i would. the key to success here is to leave behind all expectations you have from reading western epic fantasy or indeed from the witcher adaptations. this saga started as short stories and sapkowski remains a short story author first and foremost which might irritate a reader expecting a novel with a neat three act structure but which i personally found fascinating. the opening chapter of book two told from the pov of a messenger who encounters all major characters on the road, gets a death prophecy from a girl he doesn't know to be ciri and indeed dies as the chapter ends - i think that was a very creative way to reintroduce the reader to the main cast and plot essentially through the format of a short story.

another thing sapkowski does a lot is conveying everything through dialogue which, as you might know, is like bookish catnip to me lol. some dialogues are there just for the sake of dialogue, only bc the author wanted some side characters he made up to have a funny conversation. to be fair, at worst this structure becomes too meandering but i gotta say i find that chapters that are focused on mundane scenes seemingly going nowhere are more fun than plot focused chapters about sorceresses and wizards fighting or whatever. the witch trial chapter in baptism of fire - that's where it's at for me.

the thing i'm still not so sure about is the way women and women's issues are represented. very mixed feelings on what happens to milva in book three, tho i think i wouldn't be so skeptical had she not been the only woman on the main cast in that book. (cahir and regis are such fun characters with interesting motivations and stuff so ig i'm pissed that the only female character's deal has to be about that). ciri on the other hand is written very well imo and i totally did not expect her to be in a sapphic relationship. sure hope nothing bad happens to her gf🥲

vorkosigan saga by lois mcmaster bujold (read books one, two and four (??): shards of honor, barrayar and the vor game). so after reading the warrior's apprentice and the mountains of mourning last year i took a step back and read cordelia's books which i unfortunately didn't like. cordelia is a type of female character i don't vibe with and the gender themes in her books, while likely very progressive for their time, often made me roll my eyes, grind my teeth etc. in my goodreads reviews i explain my issues in more detail. the ethical implications of uterine replicators haunt me still😕

returning to miles in the vor game was both welcome and disappointing bc i keep expecting more from this man and he keeps falling short of my grand lymondesque expectations. in this book in particular i was immediately hooked on the arctic base plot only for it to be cut short bc this is a space opera and miles needs to go do pew pew pew in space, just like in book one. boo. now that i know weatherman was formerly a short story bujold later incorporated into the vor game i think it's curious that i seem to like miles a lot in short stories and novellas (the mountains of mourning remains my favorite) but am underwhelmed by the full length novel miles.

i will say however that now i have sufficiently adjusted my expectations and am very motivated to find out if there is a vorkosigan book out there that i will absolutely love. so i'll keep reading a few books per year - there's something soothing about slowly working one's way through a very long series😌

the realm of the elderlings by robin hobb (read books two and three: royal assassin and assassin's quest). the farseer books are the longest and (for the most part) the most boring books i have read this year. normally i don't torture myself like this but i wanted to do it for the fool and see how his relationship with fitz develops. was it worth it? i would say yes but only bc i let myself curate my own perfect reading experience and skimmed aggressively, sometimes skipping entire chapters. and i will do it again!👿 bc i will keep reading the elderlings books to see how the one million page yaoi plays out.

the only part of the farseer trilogy i really enjoyed was the second half of assassin's quest - not just bc fitz and the fool were cute and heart-wrenching together but bc of the entire unlikely fellowship on this quest. nighteyes is my favorite which is a feat on hobb's part bc normally i don't care about animal companions or am annoyed by them. kettle is iconic, always remember to take an auld woman on a quest (or she will chase you down and join despite your protests and prevarications). i hated starling but in a series where most characters provoke zero emotions that was a welcome change. kettricken was also there. their group dynamic was delightful and i wish the entirety of this series (or at least of this last book) was this slow burn psychological character study in close proximity group dynamics. but you can't always have what you want ig🤷‍♀️

what's next:

finishing the memoirs of lady trent - only one book in the main series is left and then there's also a spin off about her granddaughter, i think

rereading swordspoint which i first read back in 2020 and found underwhelming but it may just have been bc captive prince was such a hard act to follow for many gay books i tried back then. i hope i will like it more now that i can meet it halfway and if it goes well i want to complete the riverside trilogy right away

sometime this fall i'm gonna read pandora and vittorio the vampire. finishing the vampire chronicles is on my bookish bucket list and now, two whole years after i reread three of them to refresh my memory, i finally feel sane and brave enough to keep working towards that goal. so wish me luck🥲

finishing joanne harris' st oswald's series which started with one of my favorite dark academia novels gentlemen and players. i read the sequel last year and liked it a lot so now i want to read the final book a narrow door which also seems like a perfect autumnal read

the new evander mills mystery comes out in october and i'd like to read it before the year ends

2024 reading updates | goodreads

[captivemasterpieces]

The last 5 chapters of Dark Heir is like speed running the five stages of grief

Respectfully, what the fuck was that

I'm ravenous for more, I'm feral, I'm laying on the ground like a wounded animal.

I'm unwell.

Cs pacat, you're sick. I'm groveling at your feet like a starving peasant for book 3.

[simonwanders]

We’re lacking Dark Rise content and James is my favorite character so here you go.

I pictured a whole scene in my head for the time James had to escape the Steward’s Hall. I hope we will have Pacat’s version in one of the future books but here’s how I see it: 

It’s night time, and Cyprian wakes James up and tells him that he met their father on his way to the commodities and that Jannick told him to send James to him.

James is as tired as he’s a dutiful son so of course he exits the dormitories to get to his father. When he finds him, Jannick is with two other Stewards, and he starts to talk to James. Jannick seems upset, or even sick, and as he speaks to his son he shivers, sweats a lot and smiles oddly. James knows something’s off because he’s young but smart (he’s always been told that by everyone), and when Jannick’s face turns cold with understanding and the man takes a sword and asks James to fulfill his duty as a Steward, talking about a traitor and a danger to the Light, James runs away in the corridors. 

He doesn’t know what has taken upon his father and the two other Stewards but he just has to find another adult and ask for help. He knows every inhabitants of this Hall since his birth, they’re all family to him, he can trust every Steward. Jannick and the two other Stewards are running after him, but James sees Justice, and relief rushes in his veins. 

Then, Jannick shouts something at Justice, and the Steward’s eyes turn ice-like. He raises his sword, and James has to fall to his knees so he doesn’t run right on the blade. Justice,  Jannick and the two other Stewards are circling him, and he’s trapped between shining swords. Panic rises as their silver light comes closer. He shoots terrified looks at his father, then at the others, but they all seem to not recognize him. He tells them something, he can hear his own words but doesn’t know what he’s trying to say. 

A familiar energy runs through his fingers, then his arms, then his torso, but he has to keep it in, because it always frightens him and when he told his father about this energy (and his invisible hands), Jannick has slapped him. But James’ panic grows, enormous and ugly, and when the boy yells for help, it releases all of the energy in his abdomen. Jannick, Justice and the two others fly across the corridor, projected by James’ scream (he just knows that his scream has caused this). He doesn’t think to much about that, because he’s already panicking and he wants to find an adult who will protect him. 

He screams through the corridors as he runs to find someone, but strangely, the Castle seems empty. After a few minutes, when he finally finds a Steward… They raise their sword at him, with the same coldness as Jannick’s and Justice’s. James freezes. Then he turns around and runs another way. He keeps running and running, and he wants to find his big brother Marcus, but he’s terrified to find him in the same state as his father. He tumbles on other Stewards, but each time, they raise their swords and try to run after him. James feels his invisible hands reacting before he can even think to order them anything. The hands push the Stewards, hit them, twist their blades, and James gets the cold impression to be a hunted prey. 

He has to go upstairs, on the castle’s walkways, and he knows he will be trapped but he doesn’t have another choice. When he gets upstairs, he quickly closes the little door that keeps him from anyone coming from the inside of the walls. He doesn’t know how much time this little door will stop his pursuers, but for now on he’s alone under the beautiful night sky, a gentle breeze kissing his ears. Or at least he believed he was alone, but… There’s someone with him, a few meters away. James is shaking and he feels tears in his eyes when he turns around.

It’s Marcus. He doesn’t have a sword. He’s looking at James with unreadable eyes. The boy, panting and keeping his tears from falling, just stays where he is, trying to know if the young man is going to harm him. But Marcus just opens his arms to James. Then, James runs right in his embrace, giving up on holding his cries and sobbing on Marcus’ torso. Between his hiccups and his tears, he explains him what is happening, tells him he doesn’t understand what is going on with Father and the other adults, and Marcus listens and holds him tight.

When James stops talking to catch his breath and lets his head fall on Marcus’ shoulder, he can feel the young man lifting him off the ground, like a little boy. James adores it. He tightens their hug, crying grateful tears, and letting the relief wash over him. He’s safe, because Marcus is going to solve the problem. He knows that Marcus is walking toward something, but James doesn’t want to get inside, not yet, not when he doesn’t know what the Stewards will do. He raises his head.

Marcus isn’t going to the little door. He’s going the opposite way, to the battlements. After the battlements, there’s a fall, a long fall, with a painful end. James still doesn’t understand. He says Marcus’ name, but his brother doesn’t answer. He calls him once again and is once again greeted by silence. The fear starts to rise again. He tries to get off Marcus’ arms, but the other teen is too strong, and James can’t escape his hold. He screams Marcus’ name, asking what he is doing as they get closer to the battlements. He tries to hit him with his little fists, then pleads, and he sees the void behind his shoulder, and he pleads louder, feeling his heart pounding against his ribs. The panic has taken upon him, and Marcus doesn’t look at him in his eyes, he’s focusing on the fall awaiting his little brother. James tries to summon the energy that protected him from Jannick, but he can’t feel it, he doesn’t know how to use it, and it seems entirely gone. Finally, James sees a flash of silver next to his right leg, and unbearable pain explodes in his ribcage. 

Marcus has stabbed him with a knife he was keeping under his shirt. Quickly, coldly, he turns the knife inside of James, making him spit some blood. Everything is carried out mechanically. As if Marcus wanted James to die sooner as possible. Then, he lets his little brother fall from the murals, under the starry sky, right to the distant, muddy ground that will be his last impression.

Of course James survived, because his own powers won’t let him get killed so easily, but somehow he also died that night. He’s also lost his entire family.

[benevaletete]

My short A/B/O- inspired Lauguste ficlet! Auguste is sick with "the Fury" - some kind of aggression disorder which Alphas develope when their loved one is violated.

Uncle had touched without permission what wasn’t his to touch in the first place. His Uncle deserved death. And Auguste delivered it to him for laying his filthy hands on his little brother.

[livingasaghost]

sorry i'm still just so hung up on the fact that captive prince is portrayed by the general public as a series that glorifies slavery and sexual assault (aka the pinnacle of no consent) when in actuality the core theme is that the most important thing you can give someone else is their freedom and their agency and their ability to consent. like even though laurent has all this power over damen at the start of the series, even though he abuses that power a handful of times, ultimately those two spend the entire series figuring out how to best serve the other in order to overcome the violence that was done to and by each of them - not because they're in a master/slave relationship, but simply because they care about the other person and they know that neither of them was allowed the consent they deserved in previous relationships and situations!!! and at the end of all of it, they accept not only that they have been hurt by lack of consent but they acknowledge that they have been abusers in their own ways, perpetuating a system that is harmful and cruel, and when they join together to create a new kingdom they make a point to put an end to the slavery that brought them together in the first place!!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!

[applesandbannas747]

Wait, I'm confused... do you like the Fence novels or no? Because your first review sounded positive and happy with the fun humor, and then every other thing I've seen from you about them is most pointing out the (very prominent, very not-good) flaws with them.

fair question! I had a Journey with the Fence novels and it was hellish. First, please keep in mind that I am unhealthily fixated on Fence and that does impact things all along the way.

When Striking Distance was announced, I was as excited as anyone, though wary because Pacat was handing it off to someone else to write. Still, I was hopeful--and more hopeful after reading In Other Lands because, despite the disturbing sexism that squicked me tf out, I really enjoyed that book! And so I was very eager to get my hands on Striking Distance. So I went on an absolute quest to get an ARC...and I did! It took a lot of dead ends and desperate tries, but remember that I'm insane. So I got my hands on an advanced copy by emailing the editor assigned to the book (who has since left the position). And as is custom with ARCs, he asked me to send my review when it went live.

Reading Striking Distance was such an experience dude. I wanted to love it as much as I loved the comics--remember that at this point, we only had up to issue 12 and the characterization therein. I love the OG 12 issues, and they'll always hold more sway in my understanding of the characters, but when reading SD, it was very clear that I'd read the entire comic completely fucking wrong. Remember my unhealthy obsession? Yeah. Trying to come to terms with Fence being something so opposite of everything I really loved about it and the fact that my reading of it was so wrong was really hard--like mental breakdowns level of hard. I wish I was joking. But I tried to force myself to love the reality of Fence anyway, despite kind of hating the novel, which I absolutely would not admit to myself because disliking any part of Fence felt like SUCH a betrayal to it, and I really really really didn't want to hate the characters I'd spent so much time bringing to life in my mind, because selfishly I didn't want to have to divorce my idea of the characters from canon, I just wanted to be able to love the canon characters and add onto them a little the way I'd been able to with the comics up until that point. So especially right after reading Striking Distance, I was insistent on liking it, and even as I slowly started to acknowledge that there were parts of it that made me want to scratch off my skin they made me so uncomfortable (see: the steak scene), I was really hell-bent on understating my dislike/criticism of it.

So when I went to write my review for Striking Distance to send to the really nice editor who sent me the ARC, I didn't want to betray Fence, I hadn't really processed my issues with it (and was--and honestly still am to an extent--worried that I was just being an entitled baby because my stupid fanfictions/interpretations were so fucking wrong), I didn't want to upset or hurt the feelings of the man who did me this HUGE favor, and because I wanted a chance to get an early copy of a possible sequel (because hating the novels didn't lesson my Need for early access to them. i know I'm unwell about fence jdhfa), I pulled out all the nicest thoughts I had about Striking Distance, exaggerated them and stretched them and sugar-coated everything else to provide a review that was nice and non-hostile.

Obviously, the longer I sat with Striking Distance and processed some things about it and about me, the more I started picking apart all the aspects that I hated and found I was able to produce reasons for each piece I disliked and was also able to pinpoint in the OG comics where I got all the pieces of the stories and characters I loved. So I did have to divorce my idea of Fence from canon if I wanted to keep loving Fence. And when I decided to keep loving Fence for all the reasons I used to instead of feel sick looking at/thinking about the franchise and characters, I was sort of free of the things holding me back from speaking about the things I didn't like, and so I started to analyze and essay and post about the novels and my untangled, truthful thoughts about them.

So I don't like the novels--there are maybe 3-4 things total that passed the vibe-check for me in both novels. I never liked the novels, and I lied about liking Striking Distance...but I was lying to myself about that one as much as anyone. And I haven't changed that review because, at the time, that was where my feelings were about it. So up it stays.

Here’s my fun little list of some of the places I've explained my dislike of the novels if you're curious, but yeah these are the real thoughts, the SD review was a carefully crafted lie <3

My full review of Disarmed

Autism representation in Seiji

Seiji in general

Eugene

Eugesse as a concept in Disarmed

Eugesse interactions in Disarmed

Nick's bisexuality

Coach Williams and sexual harassment

[sonatine]

for book asks -- 1 and 10!

1 book you’ve re read the most times?

Oh man oh man, very probably Howl’s Moving Castle !! My copy from high school is falling apart. But also Fire and Hemlock is a comfort/sick day read. And I read The Goldfinch every year

10 answered previously but I do not mind reiterating that a guilty pleasure is the great CS Pacat’s Captive Prince series 😌

Book asks

[aroace-cat-lady]

OH GOD, HE COULD SEE THE LADY'S EYES ON HIM, LIKE HIS MOTHER'S EYES, STARING UP AT HIM. WILL PROMISE. SHE HAD KNOWN. SHE HAD KNOWN. ALL THOSE MONTHS, ALL THOSE YEARS OF RUNNING—

HE HAD KNOWN THAT HIS MOTHER HAD BEEN—

AFRAID.

HE HAD JUST NEVER KNOWN WHAT IT WAS SHE HAD BEEN AFRAID OF.

[alt-air]

June 2024 Reading Roundup

What a disgusting month. I am going to personally hunt down every person responsible for climate change and make them talk to my fists. Like what is this heatwave we are going through I am so sick of it. On a more book related note, what a month. I definitely read too many books this month I feel like its been six months. Started and finished a whole lot of series but enjoyed all of them a lot. Special shout out to the "Tales of the High Court" series by Megan Derr for being my exact niche of books. Is it a silly fun series the plots tie up neatly and conveniently? Yes. Do the main characters do some questionable actions but are the good guys so its ok? Also yes. HOWEVER, I personally love books with princes and lords and military commanders falling in love against the background of court machinations so this books series was written for me specifically and I will probably end up buying it. Also its a queer/trans normative world where everyone decides their gender so this is THE book series for me. Happy pride and Free Palestine

Favorites of the Month: Dark Heir and The Sunshine Court

Series

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Steifvater: ⭐⭐⭐⭐.5

Raybearer by Jordan Ifueko: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Mr. Warren's Profession by Sebastian Nothwell: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Pirate of Fathom's Deep by Megan Derr: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Dark Heir by C.S. Pacat: 4.5

The Sunshine Court by Nora Sakavic: ⭐⭐⭐⭐.5

The Weavers of Alamaxa by Hadeer Elsbai: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Heart of the Lost Star by Megan Derr: ⭐⭐⭐⭐.25

Redemptor by Jordan Ifueko: ⭐⭐⭐⭐.25

Anthologies

No One Will Come Back For Us by Premee Mohamed: ⭐⭐⭐.5

Vampires Never Die: Tales With A Fresh Bite edited by Natalie C. Parker and Zoraida Cordoba: ⭐⭐⭐⭐.5

Mermaids Never Drown: Tales to Dive For edited by Natalie C. Parker and Zoraida Cordoba: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Standalones

The Wicked and the Willing by Lianyu Tan: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

All Orbits Decay Homeward by M. Zakharuk: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Bad Cree by Jessica Johns: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Woods All Black by Lee Mandelo: ⭐⭐⭐⭐.25

An Education in Malice by S.T. Gibson: ⭐⭐⭐.75

Manga

Dungeon Meshi Vol. 9 and 10 by Ryoko Kui: ⭐⭐⭐⭐