#ow my relevance
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While rereading mdzs I am once again shocked by how talked about the "you were the only mistake he ever made" line from Lan Xichen to Wei Wuxian is and how heated it gets some people because honestly... I don't think he actually even believes that.
Stay with me. Look at the actual line. (I Included 2 translations for comparison's sake)
Firstly, yes he is mad at Wei Wuxian in this scene. But his biggest moment of anger was actually before this. By this point he's realized that Wei Wuxian forgot what happened after nightless city (and therefore ISN'T stringing along his baby brother on purpose) so he has in fact calmed down a bit.
Secondly, notice that he starts by talking about how his uncle felt. This is not Lan Xichen making a value statement about what he thinks. When he says Lan Wangji was proper and righteous he is talking about him being a model lan, he's talking about their family and clan's perspective of Wangji. Indeed, in their eyes, Wei Wuxian is the only time Lan Wangji was ever not the textbook perfect Lan.
Thirdly, what is Lan Xichen trying to say here? What is he mad at Wei Wuxian for? It's that he doesn't know Lan Wangji is in love with him. His anger is eased by realizing Wei Wuxian doesn't remember the very blatant confessions lwj made in the cave after nightless city, or Lan Wangji fighting his own clan elders for Wei Wuxian, and so had no way of knowing the whipmarks on Lan Wangji's back were related to him. But he is still mad, he still thinks Wei Wuxian should have been able to figure it out. So what does he highlight?
The fact that the only thing Lan Wangji, perfect model-Lan righteous Lan Wangji, ever defies his clan for is Wei Wuxian.
And Wei Wuxian has seen him do this! Even if he doesn't remember this one instance. Because Lan Wangji has been doing that the whole story through. Wei Wuxian has watched Lan Wangji blatantly stand against the entire cultivation world for him, and here Lan Xichen is highlighting just how unusual that is, how much Wei Wuxian must mean to Lan Wangji that he's willing to do that. The important part of the sentence here is not "mistake" it's "only."
Lan Xichen here isn't trying to say that he disapproves of Wei Wuxian, or telling him to stay away from his brother. Remember, the thing that made him mad in the first place was Wei Wuxian saying that he and Lan Wangji slept in seperate rooms. He thought they were together! He's mad because they're not!
At no point does Lan Xichen say he individually considers Lan Wangji's feelings for Wei Wuxian a mistake. If he ever did, it's clear he accepted them regardless long ago. Mistake or not, what he wants is for his little brother to be happy.
#mdzs#mdzs meta#lan xichen#For the record even IF he really did think of wwx as a mistake I think he's owed a moment of pettiness!#he's wrong but when i see people cite it as a major reason they dislike him i'm like... everyone in this novel is a war criminal#but frankly that's not so relevant because looking at the text... he doesn't think that!#he's consistently pro wangxian the whole story through. this speech is literally the catalyst to wwx confessing his feelings to lwj!!#frankly for a shovel talk – which it basically is– this whole thing is MILD. there weren't even any death threats!#also!! it drive me up the all when people mistake the intentional xiyao wangxian parralels in this scene as a personal dig on lxc#Yes! Xiyao and wangxian are foils! everyone seeing wwx as a stain on hanguang-jun's reputation but the venerated triad as an honorable bond#only for wangxian to end up happy and lan xichen with both his sworn brothers dead... that's the themes baby!!! can't trust reputations!!#but then people get mad like 'wow how DARE he say that when HE liked jgy!' that's the point!! miss mxtx did that on purpose!#Also lan xichen is VERY aware at this point just how much jgy lied to him! It's not like he's still in his a-yao is innocent era#He is LITERALLY a hostage! He is processing all of this as we speak!#he's less 'YOU are a mistake and i wish wangji didn't love you! unlike me who has never trusted anyone i shouldn't'#and more 'my entire life is falling apart right now and my little brother is the only one in my family who might still get a happy ending-#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU???'
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Venture! Unfortunately for me they have dragged me back into the hell that is Overwatch, I have been unsuccessfully ignoring their existence since their release and finally caved into re-downloading…
#My art#venture#sloan cameron#overwatch#Overwatch 2#venture Overwatch#the other thing was me deciding to try figuring out gyro steam controls via fucking around in tf2’s training mode#and while it was in fact fun I realised how much I missed throwing myself around the stage as mercy when using medic#that and the multiplayer scares me more than ow since I can’t aim for shit and the game has been around since 2007#the gyro controls worked better than I thought tbh#catch me doing everything I can to not use mouse and keyboard#ever#shout out to steam inputs for controller use in mine craft Java#anyway these tags are rambling and no longer relevant whoOPS
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Oh Cas that’s not-
#what the fuck is that#i feel like it could become plot relevant? like idk but that book is…. yeah………#cas harlow#immortal desires 2#immortal desires spoilers#id2 is so fucking funny#mc: *has leyline powers*#mc: wow that’s kinda cool. anyways#cas: *owns some fucked up haunted book*#cas: yeah it was my dad’s. he liked books or something#mc: *nearly gets decked in the face by a clement elder*#mc: um… ow? anyways
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Chronic Pain Baseline: 6
Fatigue Baseline: 4
Mental Health Baseline: 5
My face is having uncontrollable spasms. Great. It hurts really, really, really bad.
I think part of why I have trouble explaining pain to the doctor is when they ask about the pain scale I always think “Well, if someone threw me down a flight of stairs right now or punched me a few times, it would definitely hurt a lot more” so I end up saying a low number. I was reading an article that said that “10” is the most commonly reported number and that is baffling to me. When I woke up from surgery with an 8" incision in my body and I could hardly even speak, I was in the most horrific pain of my life but I said “6” because I thought “Well, if you hit me in the stomach, it would be worse.”
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the tension between me and the guy in the carpal tunnel self massage video he uploaded 6 years ago. palpable
#personal#from my drafts. relevant again#hm massage on youtube i owe u my life ...#also kidding if that isnt clear SKKFK abt the tension. not the carpal tunnel 😔
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I feel bad complaining when I have a roof over my head and don't have to worry about access to electricity, heating, running water and food, but I am so fucking sick of having my disability payment adjusted to account for an additional income stream I haven't had for almost nine months.
#I don't love constantly owing people money and having Nothing in the bank at most two days after I get paid every week#like my material needs are all more than catered for so genuinely I am fine and I would be mortified if anyone offered to help#so don't feel that this is what this is about#and I would be able to get help paying the various medical etc. bills I owe if I sucked it up and asked my parents#which are also not urgent and Will Be Fine#I just have nothing left to save or to like#buy myself a chocolate bar if I want to crol#also no advice please#I have chased this up very recently and have an acknowledgement that enquiry has been forwarded to the relevant department#there is not anything else I can currently do
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My old ADHD therapist, who has ADHD along with his two sons, shared a story about how he barely managed himself in a crowded Chuck E Cheese and had to pace the entire parking lot breathing gently. He told me that it was a kind of frustration very specific to emotional dysregulation and executive dysfunction.
I've talked about this before, but emotional dysregulation is such a mother fucker aspect of ADHD.
Like, sure, not being able to regulate my attention sucks, but it's genuinely fucking nothing compared to the absolute rollercoaster of emotions I just went on because someone said something in a shitty tone, and now I'm having to actively walk myself through DBT methods lest my idiot shit for brains 'shiny-can't-sit-still-disorder' drop the match on that particular bridge because the rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like my chest is burning and not being able to act on the hurt feels like I'm suffocating under the weight of emotions pushing down on me and lashing out in anger is quicker than taking the time to self soothe.
And the annoying fucking thing is I know it's me.
I've done enough therapy to know my emotional response to their shittiness is overblown and dysregulated. I know I'm taking it to heart more than they could ever imagine.
And I've got to fucking sit with that and process it because if I don't, I'll be the inconsiderate cunt in this interaction and hhnnggg--wailing, gnashing, biting my thumb at you in the marketplace, etc, etc.
#emotional dysregulation#adhd brain go brrr#this is such a mikey song#ow my psychology studies#ow my relevance#executive dysfunction my beloathed
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a.
@brownboklit
this can't be the same brain i was using to read 750 page novels in 3 days during middle school
#this punched me in the gut#i have been called out#this is me#this is my hole it was made for me#ow my relevance#ow my spirit
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Friendly reminder (I've ever made this known information):
I will 100% draw your pico's school oc for free because I think pico's school ocs are so so so awesomeness
#yes this only applies to pico's school ocs#you HAVE to tell me at least a LITTLE bit about them oh my god please i love hearing about other people's ocs#and do NOT be shy DO NOT be embarrassed dude my favorite oc is literally the “best friends with protag and is super plot relevant” type#WHO IS (MIND YOU) SHIPPED WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME#so again please please please please please please pleeeeaaaassseee show me your picos school ocs and tell me about them so i can draw them#i love picos school so so soooo much dude#pico's school#picos school#picos school oc#pico's school oc#but at the same time theres no guarantee I'll draw them at the same time so like... keep that in mind <3#its not like i owe you anything either so like pls dont tweak if i dont draw yours#info#angelicdonuts
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Even though I am playing this game at the SLOWEST of crawls this truly is the ultimate game full of basically everything I love in a story. This is a me-specific instant classic. This is The Game. This game will and has already impacted me so crazily. In Stars And Time confirmed ultimate banger it will be joining the 2019 quartet as games of all time in my brain
#tide of consciousness#Truly the fact I'm even bothering to drag myself tooth and nail week by week to progressing in this game#Is prove enough how much I love and respect it and it's concepts#I don't usually do that usually if I get stuck I give up so fast.#Everything about it is so wonderful#I love loop as a character AND as a gameplay device. My forgetful ass coming back to the game after a month's absence#And loop just. I can just talk to them and be given a goal and hear relevant information loop I love you thank you I owe you my life#Every major character is so good. I cannot pick a favorite. Everytime a moment focuses on a character I go YOU'RE MY FAVORITE#they're all so good#I don't even need to explain why time loops good. I'm fucking time guy I love time shit#Rauuugh#I want to play more but it's 4 am :(( later
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It's very painful and I love it, thank you.
The Curse of a Michelangelo, Part 1.
Yup, trying to hit my angst quota of Mikey. I love this character, especially the 2003 version.
I was gonna post the whole comic but I haven’t finished the second page and radio silence for another day is probably not good.
(Click for better quality)
Next (Coming tomorrow)
#into the mikey verse#ow my relevance#michelangelo is a great writer in canon#michelangelo is a theater kid#tmnt mikey is naturally psychic
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The running list of fics in progress at this point are
Bhaal’s Chosen turned co-creator of a false god era Vissenta (with Durgetash sprinkled in for flavor)
Weave channeling scene from Gale’s POV
Act 2 resisting the urge scene, also from Gale’s POV
(I love writing his POV idk what to tell you)
Followup to Armor that involves the armor being removed
Something horny involving boot and foot worship
More ideas keep cropping up but god I need to stay focused on what I’ve already got going.
#writing so much slower than I used to and idk why#I still feel like I have to churn out stuff all the time to stay noticed and relevant which is Fun#anyway if you’ve ever commented on a fic of mine I owe you my life
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There are two people who Brook is eternally indebted towards to a degree that he knows well he would never be able to repay, no matter how many times he may die with his life dedicated towards them. First being Luffy, of course.
While he’s well aware of the entire crew’s contributions, it’s Luffy to whom he pledged his second life to. Luffy had given him back everything. He’d given him back the sun, and with that, hope. Luffy had gave him back his shadow, had offered him a new home, and above all, told him that Laboon waited still. Nothing about that day was any less than a miracle, and Brook knows he would never be able to give to Luffy the same life that his captain gave to him, but his soul be damned if he would do his best to pay back even an ounce of it.
The second person is, beyond shadow of a doubt, Crocus. Crocus had been a true friend in those three months the Rumbar Pirates had spent at the Twins Cape. They’d gotten along well, and Brook had been thrilled when the man was willing to look after Laboon for a few years. Though he’d never once truly doubted the man’s integrity, Brook still knew that — as time had passed in the fog — caring for a full grown whale, at the entrance to the Grand Line no less, was an incredibly taxing request to honor, and one he’d never wanted to have asked from the doctor. To learn that Crocus, after all this time, was still caring for Laboon, and to learn that Crocus had set sail in hopes to find them, it would have broken his heart from joy and guilt, had he still had one. He owes Crocus a debt he could never hope to make up for for having cared for Laboon for all these years, though he can hope to — at the very least — apologize with all his soul for their deaths and delay once their paths can finally crossed again once more.
#[ headcanon ] ─ ♪ 《 the time sweeps my mind 》#[ talked ab b4 but thinks a normal amount of how brook still kind of feels like he Has to do something for the crew#[ and just. general his views of crews vs his role within it feels he's lacking but still does what he can bc he owes it to them#[ on top of genuinely caring for ofc but just thats a whole nother post dsks#[ just!!!!#[ thinks a lot ab how brook feels like he knows he can never make it up to luffy and crocus....#[ and just!! thinks a normal amount ab crocus....#[ CROCUS....#[ me writing roger and brook (n yorki but less relevant) and just rat shakes funky doctor........#[ crocus mvp fr..... caring for laboon for 50+ years..... slams fist on floor#[ i am so very normal ab things that happened pre-canon#[ and the way it impacts canon
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I love being a writer
And being like "I wanna write a simple drabble" and suddenly it has like 5+ paras of build-up and it isn't even done.
Why am I like this?
#my kingdom ;; ooc#icon relevant yes i wanted to do one for flora first.#and fsr my brain went “i can't be basic w/ this shit” so. i am not being basic.#also so sorry to everyone i owe that'll hopefully change post-holidays <3#i am on a semi-hiatus for a reason after all
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they are so cute, your honor 🥺 not me changing discord icon to bnuuy susabi for the rest of the year, do not perceive me
#Ⓢ : relevant ( susabi )#Ⓢ : visuals ( susabi )#[ ssb being accepted in 'girls only' party still lives in my head rent free— that tale was so important in many ways ]#[ i say i will q what i owe but instead im getting emotional over one starking ]
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