#over the past couple of days i was able to craft a version that stays the same up to October 2026

[starbuck]

it’s just me and my five year plan against the world

[monamourbladie-mb]

19 Years Later... [Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader x reader miniseries]

19 years have passed since Y/n’s husband Anakin’s death, and she has become the leading General of the newly founded Rebellion alongside her past Jedi friend Obi-Wan Kenobi, now known as Ben Kenobi. When her children Luke and Leia Skywalker gets kidnapped by Darth Vader, the man who killed her husband; her and Obi-Wan Kenobi must come rescue her. But when she finds out who’s behind Darth Vader’s mask, the truth is something she never thought she had to prepare herself for.

——————

i’m so freaking excited for this fanfic, holy shit. i’ve had this idea since April 2020 and i decided to say fuck it since you guys seemed interested. i hope you enjoy it!!! get ready for an angst and sex train, cause it’s coming in hot 🥵 😏

Index:

prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2 [Coming soon]

Warnings: None

WC: 1.3k

——————

People say love is a forever thing. But for Y/n and Anakin Skywalker, their time together was cut short the day Darth Vader murdered Anakin almost 20 years ago on Mustafar.

Y/n remembered the day so vividly - it was the scariest, saddest, and all the same happiest day of her life. It was the day her twin children, Luke and Leia Skywalker, were born; and it was also the day the love of her life was killed.

Y/n didn’t remember much of that, between the two events. According to Obi-Wan Kenobi, he had said that Anakin was behind the attacks at the Jedi Temple, and the man behind the murder of countless Jedi. Y/n couldn’t bring herself that the man she was married to could do such a horrible, despicable act.

She didn’t believe it until she saw first hand his anger - the way his voice changed, how cold his gaze had become. He tried to sugarcoat his villainous words to her, speaking gently, “Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me.”

But when he had noticed Obi-Wan was on the ship alongside Y/n, Anakin lost all sense of reality and tried killing her.

The last memory she had of seeing her future husband was tainted with fear - the sight of him angrily raising his fingers to choke his lover.

When she awoke, she felt her body give in and start to writhe from excruciating labor pains. The pain she felt throughout her back and belly, however, were nothing in comparison to the never-ending ache in her heart that started when Obi-Wan muttered the words, “Anakin is dead.”

Barely able to cling to life, Y/n was able to deliver two healthy children, whom she had named Luke and Leia. Obi held her hand gently, smiling testy eyed, “Anakin would be so happy to see his little family. I promise I’m here to support and protect the three of you.”

Tears from pain and sorrow streamed down her cheeks as she cradled Leia close to her breast, sobbing as her body shook.

He should be here. I should be squeezing his hand, not Obi’s. He should be holding his son, not Obi. I shouldn’t be a widow.

When she found out the truth about how Anakin died, she was even more torn apart. Anakin didn’t even get a chance to explain his actions at the Temple - he was murdered by a man named Darth Vader before he could repent. She lost her husband to a murderous sith lord.

Obi-Wan took it upon himself to take care of Y/n, Luke, and Leia and got them a home on Tattooine. He knew that Y/n was never good on her own - even though she was a Jedi, she hated being alone. So he stayed with them, helping her raise Luke and Leia with just the two of them.

Knowing they were a target from Darth Vader, Obi-Wan knew that they’d had to change their names. He changed his to Ben Kenobi, a nickname an old lover gave him; and Y/n changed her name to Cecelia Jonas, a drastic difference from Y/n Skywalker. When it was just them, they would refer to each other as their old names for old time’s sake.

Raising twins without their biological father was very, very hard. There were many nights Luke or Leia would ask about their beloved late father, causing her to get teary-eyed remembering.

Nights when Luke would play around with the droids, speaking with C3-PO and laughing reminded Obi and Y/n of Anakin.

Having a son who looked just like a young version of Anakin was no help to her healing heart. Yet, no matter what she swore to never remarry — her heart belonged to Anakin Skywalker, and Anakin Skywalker alone.

By now, it was 19 years since Anakin had died. The Galactic Empire was rising, and the Rebels rose in contradiction, hoping to defend the Galaxy.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader stormed around his Death Star ship in an angry stance, slicing anyone who dared to comment on his more-so than normal angry aura.

He crossed his arms, looking outside the Death Star, “What do you mean you lost the plans?” His breathing labored and heavy as usual. The mask wasn’t even needed for him — the cocky bastard just wanted to come off as more intimidating.

“Someone... someone had sold the plans. And now General Jonas-“

Vader grunted and raised his fist, beginning to force choke the man mercilessly, “Find me who sold the plans and bring them to me. I want their death slow and painful. And find me General Jonas, I want to have a chat with them.”

The man’s eye’s rolled back as his vision blackened, then he collapsed onto the floor, gasping for air.

Vader strutted off, his signature Skywalker strut all the more prominent and powerful enveloped in his robotic suit of armor.

Ever since his fall, Vader had one thing on his mind. Completing out his Master’s will so he would finally teach him how to bring people back from the dead.

Vader reached his quarters and shut the door, locking it using the force with a simple flick of his wrist. He begrudgingly walked to the bathroom, slamming the door shut and hunched over the sink, his breathing getting more rapid until the noise irritated him to let out a yell in anger.

He took off his black mask in frustration and slammed it down on the countertop, his hands gripping it’s sides so tightly he felt his flesh hand feel numb. He looked up in the mirror, his ear-length brown hair dampened down with sweat as he looked at himself in the mirror.

“Who the hell even are you,” he grumbled to himself, running his gloved fingers through his hair. He sighed heavily and shook his head, the memory of her gasping for air replaying in his mind as his anger grew, “It’s my fault. It’s my fucking fault you and our child are dead!” he yelled to no in but himself, tears beginning to prick his yellow eyes.

With shaky hands, he dipped into his pocket and took out the necklace he crafted for her all those years ago, smiling sadly down at it as he rubbed it with his thumb.

“This is all for you, my love bird. All of it, so I can bring you home to me.” His voice trailed as he kissed the necklace, putting it back in his pocket gently as he let out a heavy sigh, wiping his tears quickly.

Vader thrived on pain now. Once he found out his wife was killed by his own hand, he lost all sense of himself. Anakin died when he knelt and took Darth Vader’s name, but Anakin truly died the moment Palpatine uttered those words.

“It seems, in your anger, you killed her.”

“Shit husband I was,” he growled, putting his glove back up on his flesh hand after he glared at his wedding band.

It gave him a mixed feeling - he missed his wife dearly, but yet it was also a deadly reminder how much of a horrible man he was.

The separated couple went to bed in tears that night, wishing and praying that somehow, someway they could be reunited.

But the both of them knew the only way that would happen is if they died, which was out of the question.

So they laid there awake in agony, their heart crying out to be reunited with their lover once more.

[kai-writes-fan-fiction]

Announcement: HELLO! I know you have all been EAGERLY awaiting my re-arrival, so BEHOLD I have returned! And with a brand new fic for all of you to enjoy. Curious why I was gone? check my blog to find a little Q/A between me and Anon!

Warnings: None, except for teeth rotting amounts of fluff lol

Request: The reader (me ) is dating chris evans it's the readers birthday,  and chris evans spoiling her, taking to the hair salon and to the nail salon ,  and then throws a party for her, and he asks her to marry him, and a couple months later the reader is asked to been on say yes to the dress and a lot of fluff please (@maximeevansblog)

—————————— Fic:

You awoke to soft nuzzles against your cheek and gentle fingers tracing your midsection.

“Happy Birthday, baby.” A soft voice murmured next to you.

You turned your face to your boyfriend, Chris Evans.

“Good morning, Love. Thank you!” You whispered to him, moving closer to his body.

Chris wrapped you into a hug before tipping your face up and kissing you.

“I’m going to spoil you today, dear.” He hummed into to your ear.

He pulled you closer, and you melted into him, tucking your face into the crook of his neck, and you whispered “I love you” before pulling him closer to you.

The two of you cuddled for another half an hour before he announced that the first stop was the nail salon. You pulled yourself out of bed and were met with a new dress, courtesy of Chris.

“Oh! This is beautiful! Thank you so much!” You grinned, rushing to put it on.

“I knew you’d like it.” He hummed, pulling you in for a kiss.

To his surprise, you pushed him away and snatched your dress, running frantically to the bathroom to put it on.

He smiled to himself, and he loved you too much to be upset.

You exited the bathroom and grinned at Chris. The velvety (Y/F/C) fabric of the dress hugged every curve of your body perfectly, and the draped pattern of the dress only accentuated your beautiful body. You did a little twirl to show it off, smiling all the while.

Chris’s eyes lit up, and his mouth fell open, “I knew I made the right choice! You look perfect, my love.” He said from the bed where he was sitting, wearing a button-down and khakis.

“Now, let's go before we miss our appointment!” He announced enthusiastically, grabbing your hand.

——————————

Chris pulled into the parking lot of a swanky nail salon and opened your door for you.

He put his arm out for you to hook yours in and walked you into the nail salon.

n.

You stepped inside, and a friendly woman greeted you.

“Hi! Do you have an appointment?” She asked cheerily.

Chris nodded and told the employee your name, and she led you to a rack of nail polishes and gels.

“If you could please select a few colors for your mani-pedi, I can have someone with you in a moment.” The receptionist smiled before leaving you and Chris.

You gazed thoughtfully at all of the colors on the wall, but so many were enticing, and you entirely gave up on choosing.

“Baby? Can you pick some out for me, please? I don’t know what to choose… I’m torn between a combination of sky blue, Fuchsia, bright yellow, seafoam green, and black, or dark blue, vibrant magenta, sun yellow, white, and warm grey.” You sighed.

“Woah there, you just named a lot of colors.” He grinned. “I can barely tell the difference between some of those polishes.” He shook his head.

“You’re no use.” You pouted sarcastically.

He rolled his eyes at you but was smiling nonetheless. “How about just one color? What about this blue?” He selected a dark turquoise.

“I love it!” You smiled. “I’ll do that one on my toes. For my acrylics, I want one of those cute heart patterns. I’ll show you a picture!”

You pulled out your phone and showed him a vibrant pattern of overlapping hearts, and he only shook his head and chucked.

“You do you, sweetheart.”

——————————

After your nails were finished, Chris ushered you back into the car, going on and on about “another surprise.”

After 15 minutes of driving, Chris pulled into a hair salon, opening his own door and rushing around the car to open yours.

“M’lady.” He bowed, holding your door open.

You giggled and gave him a light swat on the shoulder, curtseying after getting out.

You entered the salon and were ushered over to a chair. Chris stayed in the lobby, giving you a thumbs up before your hairdresser started asking questions.

After a long while of cutting and styling, you finally had your dream haircut and color, and it looked great! It framed your delicate features perfectly, and the color complimented your skin tone and eyes.

You thanked your hairdresser and lightly jogged over to Chris. He did it once over and looked impressed.

“Well you clean up well, all thanks to me, of course.” He chided.

“Oh yeah, take all the credit.” You rolled your eyes. “What’s next, though?”

“Now we go home, and have dinner.” He smiled, but little did you know, there were already about 100 guests at the house ready to surprise you for your birthday.

“That sounds nice.” You sighed, embracing Chris as the two of you strode out of the salon.

——————————

“SURPRISE!!” Was yelled as you entered your and Chris’s house.

You jumped back, startled, but then started beaming from ear to ear, knowing Chris had set this up for you.

“Awh you big teddy bear!” You hugged Chris as he entered behind you. “Thank you guys for coming! And thanks for all the gifts, woah!” You gestured toward a table full of wrapped boxes and bags.

A chorus of happy birthdays were heard throughout the house, and you just couldn’t be happier. Everything was perfect.

Before you could say anything or thank everyone, Chris ran in front of you, and on one knee.

“Chris!” You yelled out, throwing your hands over your mouth to stop any tears of excitement from falling.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N), you have made these past two years so amazing. I don’t know where I would be without you. You and your spirit are so beautiful and admirable. I love you so much, (Y/N), and so I need to ask you, will you marry me?” He popped open the case of the velvet box he was holding, and inside was one of the most stunning diamonds you had ever seen in your life.

Everything felt so surreal, and all you could do was cry.

“Yes! Chris, yes, I love you so much!” You choked through sobs.

He began to cry himself, and stood up, slipping the ring onto your finger before crafting your face in his hands and kissing you. Everything around the two of you erupted into cheers and applause, and you could swear you heard trumpets and a choir singing. It felt like a fairy tale, a happily ever after, and it was only going to get better.

——————————

News of your and Chris’s engagement had spread like wildfire, it was all the internet could talk about for 3 weeks. You received fan mail and gifts from fans around the world, congratulating you and Chris.

One fateful Tuesday morning after scrolling through your private email, you found something marked important. Curious, you opened the message to find an invite to “Say Yes To The Dress: Celebrity Version!”.

You were beyond ecstatic and forwarded it to Chris and your agent, intending to get an appointment set up as soon as possible.

Chris was just as excited as you were, and your agent was quick to get everything set up.

You simply couldn’t contain your excitement, everything was going right. You bounced around the halls of your home for days, not being able to bear waiting any longer for your filming.

A week before your appointment, you nestled into bed with Chris and hurried yourself in his figure.

“I love you, Chris Evans. Thank you.” You sleepily mumbled.

“And I you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N). You were the best decision I ever made.”

[cyberloops]

Some quick studio updates:

My spouse was having a hard time at their new job, so when my boss mentioned that he was looking for another person to do the same sort of tech helpdesk work that I was doing, my spouse decided to go for the opportunity. On the one hand, it means less stress. On the other hand... less money. Our income is going to be cut by about 1/3. So we really need to find some way to work from home to earn money to make up for that. So this week, while my spouse had a few days off before the new job starts, we buckled down and worked on getting our home office/studio situation set up in a way that will work for us.

Originally we had planned on keeping all the computers in the office (not the room in the picture here) and dividing the studio (the room in this picture) into halves. The half now taken up by the giant desk on the left would be where I’d set up my studio, the area where the other 2 desks are would be a workbench for crafting type stuff, and the drafting table would be where it is. But between the plague causing us to switch jobs and work from home and everything else that’s happened... well... plans change. We couldn’t both work from home in the office, so my spouse had to get a desk and set it up in the studio. And the little corner desk my spouse had gotten for the office way far too small for all of the paperwork that their new job entailed. So we had to get the giant desk.

Since we’d like to get back into the habit of streaming, we decided that we needed to once again change the plans we had for our studio. But with less income, that meant no more buying furniture. We need to work with what we have. So the giant desk that takes up half the room will stay, and will become the graphics powerhouse of the studio, with my spouse’s new computer in the middle, a big monitor on the left, and the graphics tablet monitor on the right. Unfortunately the USB C port is on the left side of the computer and the right side of the graphics tablet... which means we need a longer USB C to USB C cable if we want to use all three monitors. (We can use an HDMI cable instead, but then we wouldn’t be able to use the other big monitor.)

I moved the smaller corner desk from the office into the space between my studio and my spouse’s, and got rid of the little wooden table that was kind of in my way on the right side of my studio. Now we have an entire wall of nothing but desk. The drafting table is still just out of camera view on the right, so my spouse still has a space for traditional drawing.

You can also see in this picture that I was able to finally rig up a top down view of my studio, the camcorder is attached to a little microphone handle instead of a stand. The little handle came with a different mic, the one that I’ve currently got hooked up to my desktop computer in the office. I’m using a boom mic stand that I had packed away that was a birthday present to me like fifteen years ago. (I’m glad it’s finally getting decent use, I used to have it set up next to my old Windows XP desktop computer that had an M-Audio 10/10 soundcard that had XLR inputs so I could actually record a microphone directly into the computer. But that desktop died about 9 years ago, and I haven’t used that stand since then. I don’t even think they have drivers for the 10/10 for modern versions of Windows anymore.) Ironically, the microphone that came with the boom mic stand is in a little tripod that came with a DIFFERENT mic that crapped out on me and I’m not using anymore, it’s somewhere on that desk studio setup. I don’t know if it’s in camera view, it’s not currently plugged into the mixer, but it’s there if I want to record any vocals. However, that setup means that the camera is also about six feet away from where the computer will be... which means we need a longer USB A to Micro USB cable if I want to stream.

... and after moving all that furniture, getting sweaty and gross, and stressing out my bad knees... I didn’t wanna go to Best Buy to get cables. So we ordered them online, and maybe once we’ve gotten them, we’ll be able to get back to streaming again.

Also, since my spouse got a new, better computer, I’m going to see if their old computer is powerful enough to do basic streaming with just my sound and video setup. It’s (I think) about 9 years old, just like my laptop... but mine was bottom of the line at the time of purchase, and this one was midrange. They have the same amount of RAM and hard drive space, but my spouse’s old computer has about 3 or 4 times the processing power of my dinky little old laptop. So maybe it can handle it. We’ll find out once I get that new cable. If not, well, we’ll see what I can do. Now that we’re past the first few weeks of classes, my job is slowing down a bit, so I’ll have a little more free time and energy. I’d really like to spend some time working on more fun, creative stuff. I suppose I could just say screw it and move my desktop into that room, that’s definitely powerful enough to stream. And if I don’t feel like doing music, I can work on 3d modeling/sculpting instead. Or, hell, I could even go back to doing game streaming when we’re not streaming art or music.

I would love to also get a better chair. Unfortunately, all of the comfortable chairs we have right now are too wide to work with that setup, unless I can figure out a way to move my keyboards to the right side of my studio instead of the left. Which honestly, I could probably do if I just got some longer cables. I went cheap and just got 3 and 4 foot audio and MIDI cables when I first set up the studio, since I was jammed in the corner there. So maybe my last investment in the studio will be to buy a couple of longer audio and MIDI cables just for those two synths.

... and after all that, months and months of setup, investing my pandemic bonus money into setting up the whole studio... I still am finding myself kinda obsessing over the fact that the ONE kind of synth I wanted and still don’t have is one that can do more than 2 operator FM synthesis. I was really debating between the Modal Skulpt or the Korg Volca FM at the time, and the Skulpt only won out for me because it had 4 note polyphony, and I like complex chords. But with our sudden cut in income, I really can’t justify buying another synth anytime soon. So I really should buckle down and work with what I have.

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

[lockefanfic]

Business Trip: Pt 29 - Devil

“Do you want to-“

“Fuck no,” she snaps, “fuck, please don’t stop. Don’t even think about stopping. I want this. I want you. I want you to fuck my ass.”

You reach up with your right hand, past her hips and her right breast, to her chin, turning it slightly until you are able to kiss her. You spend several long moments there, your lips and tongues playing with each other.

“Now keep going,” she says as she breaks the kiss, “fill me. Fill my ass. Fill me, and fuck me.”

You aren’t one to refuse such an order, and so you press forward - all the while, your eyes are glued to hers as she looks over her shoulder at you, your hand still grasping her by the chin, those eyes glazed with pleasure and lust and just a hint of pain and discomfort. You have never seen her like this - so much in need. You’d seen her face when she is filled with your cock for the first time, seen it during sex, when she is moaning and sighing and gasping, seen it twisted in pleasure when she cums - but never like this. Never twisted in a heady mix of pain and pleasure and pure, unfiltered lust.

It takes minutes or hours or days later, you weren’t sure - but soon you are fully inside her, buried to the hilt inside Minatozaki Sana’s ass.

It is at that moment that you both hear the bathroom door open, and two women walk inside.

Sana’s eyes go wide with surprise.

---

The older you got, the more you wanted to just be at home. You would've given anything to be at home. Or anywhere, really, other than where you currently were.

And it wasn't because you hated the place - Seoul had a newly flourishing craft beer scene, as it turned out, and this particular bar was one of the more popular ones.

And it certainly wasn't because you hated the people. Most of your company, after all, comprised mainly of beautiful young women, most of whom you'd had more than a couple intimate experiences with. Even the few guys that were there were dudes you got along with - in your limited interactions with them, anyway. There was worse company to be had. 

No, it was mostly because you wanted, needed some time alone, away from everyone else. Tomorrow was going to be a pretty big day, and you figured you should be at home, resting, preparing yourself for what was to come… or maybe playing some Modern Warfare. Either or.

Tomorrow was the chosen date for the SM operation - the day that Nayeon had decided she would infiltrate SM's headquarters office, using the entrance she had procured from her interrogation of Jay, in an attempt to find the evidence she needed to incriminate SM.

You all should have been at home. You wanted to be at home.

And by "home,” you really meant your hotel room - you were, after all, in Korea, thousands of kilometers from your actual home. You'd spent way too much time in hotel rooms over the past year, and truth be told you'd almost forgotten what "home" really meant. That apartment back in your home city, sitting empty for so long now, seemed like a distant memory. To go back there now would be like going to a foreign place. "Home" was whatever hotel room you were currently staying in. Your possessions were limited to what you could pack in that duffel bag and luggage carrier that had become your constant companions.

You wanted to be back in your hotel room, but you found yourself here in downtown Seoul, mostly against your wishes. Sana had insisted that everyone go out one last time before the big day tomorrow, mostly in an effort to get everyone to relax and cool off. And so when the clock hit 5 she dragged everyone, some of you physically, out of the office and into this bar.

You swirl your half-empty glass of pale ale in your hand as you watch Dahyun and Jeongyeon play darts across the room. It wasn't an ordinary cork dartboard - like many things in the technologically advanced South Korean capital, it had been enhanced with the latest technology to look more like an abstract science-fiction version of the traditional bar game. 

Dahyun is hopeless at the game as she was with drink orders, it turns out, and two of the three darts she tosses towards the circular target miss altogether. She cringes in embarrassment as the two wayward darts strike the plastic facing of the machine instead. Jeongyeon chides her playfully for her misses before she takes her turn, and true to form, she makes two high point hits, the third just barely missing her target. The girl had a knack for physical games as well as digital ones, it seemed.

As she collects the darts from the board she turns and catches your eyes. You raise your glass slightly in toast to her ability, and she blushes lightly, brushing away her newly short hair with a shy smile before stepping behind Dahyun as the shorter girl takes her turn.

"You should go out with her already," comes a voice to your left, "you clearly have feelings for each other."

You turn to find Sana has taken the seat next to you, placing her glass of beer on the table as she does so. Alcohol has given her cheeks a soft pink blush to go with her newly dyed pink hair. She looked stunning, as always, and it wasn't hard to notice that she had already captured the full attention of every other male - and some females - in the building.

"Jeongyeon and I are just friends," you state - it was becoming a bit of a routine, at this point, explaining your relationship with the IT specialist to everyone around you. Was it that obvious, the way Jeongyeon felt about you?

"Sure, you think you're just friends. But what does she think?"

You take a moment to ponder Sana's question. Jeongyeon had made her feelings for you clear, and you knew that all it would take was a simple conversation, a simple act of admitting you felt the same way, and bam - you'd have a new girlfriend.

And it wasn't like you didn't have feelings for Jeongyeon, either - she was smart, and beautiful (sometimes breathtakingly so, when she wanted to be), and a genuinely good person, fiercely loyal and protective to her friends and those she held dear. But beyond all that, and perhaps most importantly, being around her made you feel comfortable and cared for in a way that none of the other girls did. She made you feel special.

In another time, in different circumstances, you would have already been with her. But it just didn't feel right at the moment, not now, and not so soon after your breakup with Momo.

"Now's not the right time," you finally answer, swirling your beer around in its glass for the umpteenth time, "we have too much going on to think about starting a relationship."

Sana doesn't seem to believe you, and she lets out a smirk and a "mmmhmmm" as she takes a sip of her own drink.

"What about you?" you ask, eager to change the subject away from Jeongyeon, "what happened to you jumping on me the second I was single, the way you said you would when we were in Hawaii?"

Sana takes a moment to compose her answer, a sly smile appearing on her lips the way it always did when she was formulating some plan in her head. She always seemed to be planning and plotting, always seemed to be thinking the game a few moves ahead of the rest of you. You had experienced first hand what her plotting and scheming could bring, and while your suspicion of her had eased somewhat in recent weeks, you never really could shake the thought that Minatozaki Sana had a little bit of a snake in her.

"I still plan to," she admits, "but I'm going to take my time for the same reason you and Jeongyeon aren't already together. It's too soon. I'm not a monster."

She takes a sip of her beer as she gives you another one of those sly smiles - venom laced with honey.

You smirk at the Japanese girl. She leans forward on the table, bringing her arms together, ostensibly to cup her glass shyly with both hands - but it also had the added side effect of emphasizing the low cut of the sparkly top she wore and the tantalizing cleavage it produced. She wasn't the most endowed amongst your little group, but she certainly knew how to use what she had. You didn't doubt for a moment that everything she did and said was for a purpose.

You knew how this night would end. You’d spent enough time around this group of girls to know where it was leading. You knew what was about to happen, and while the angel on your shoulder kept trying to convince you to call it an early night, the pink haired, Sana-shaped devil on your opposite shoulder was whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and telling you it was okay to indulge in the pleasure that was surely coming.

"I remember you said something in Hawaii... what was it?" she begins, tapping her lip with a finger playfully, "Oh, that's right. You told me there was somewhere else you could put it. Too bad we never got around to it."

"That's too bad," you answer, happy to play her game.

"Mmhmm, too bad. I suppose we could have, but with Mina and Choa leaving, I didn't think it was the right time. I'm not a monster," she repeats.

"Oh yeah? Then what are you, Sana?"

"I'm an angel," she says with the confident tone of a woman who believed it, "Most of the time. Other times, I'm a devil."

"And what are you tonight?"

Sana smiles, one of those slick, sly, devilish smiles of hers - the smile of a hunter that has come upon an animal helpless in her trap. She looks up at you, gives you a playful, cute shrug, and quickly downs the rest of her glass.

Slamming the empty vessel down on the table, she rises and saunters towards the bathrooms, slowly, every little step highlighted with an exaggerated sway of those perfect hips, knowing you - and indeed every other male in the room - was watching.

When she reaches the small hallway that leads to the bathrooms, and just before she disappears into it, she turns halfway to where you are still sitting before biting her lip and giving you a smile that was all devil, and very little angel. 

—-

Every step of the way from your table to the bathrooms, you knew the eyes of every single male - and perhaps some females - were on you. Each pair of eyes glaring with jealousy, envy, perhaps a little lust, as you follow the gorgeous young Japanese girl into the women’s bathroom.

What they would have given to be in your position now - standing in one of the stalls, with that same girl on her knees in front of you, her wavy, pink hair bobbing up and down as she took your shaft in and out of her mouth, her tongue pressed hard against its underside, lathering it with slick saliva as it pumped in and out between her lips.

Sana had wasted no time - she rarely did. A few moments of hurried, frenzied kisses, tongues duelling with impatient knowledge that it was all just an appetizer for what was to come. Her fingers worked with practiced ease at your belt, and within moments she had drawn your pants and boxers down to your knees, the newfound freedom of your shaft short lived as it found itself imprisoned by another, significantly more pleasant prison - Sana’s mouth.

You let your fingers graze through her pink hair, a color that you’d thought was daring and outandish on any other girl but was perfect for her. It only amplified the dichotomy that was  Minatozaki Sana - that duality of angel and devil that was the core of her.

She lets your cock pop out from between her lips, those perfect pink lips wrapped tightly around your hard flesh as she lets it exit the warmth of her wet mouth. She looks up at you as she presses the sensitive head against her tongue, letting you see first hand the face of an angel engaged in an act that was not at all angelic.

She rises from her knees, wiping the excess saliva from her lips with the back of her hand.

“Fuck me now,” she says, almost a hiss, a sexy but almost angry look in her eyes. She turns around, facing the walls of the bathroom stall, and quickly undoes the belt and buttons of her small, tiny pair of black shorts she is wearing beneath the already extremely short hem of her sparkly blue dress.

You press yourself against her, both of your hands reaching under the hem of her skirt for the waistband of her shorts and pulling them down with a roughness that surprises you, revealing the pale skin of her perfectly shaped ass, round and full. You give her right butt cheek a firm slap, one that elicits a yelp from the surprised Japanese girl.

She turns halfway around to you and bites her lip.

Your right hand snakes around and dives towards her crotch, and you are unsurprised to quickly feel the slick wetness between her thighs. She wanted this, needed it, just like you knew she would.

You take your shaft in your right hand, still slick and glistening with her saliva. She bends slightly at the waist, her hands pressed against the green wall of the stall - but the rest of her upper body is quickly pressed against it when your shaft parts her wet lips and you slip inside her wet, hot body.

Being inside Minatozaki Sana was otherworldly, as it always was, but here, in the women’s bathroom of some random bar in Seoul, on the eve of the most important operation of your career and with all the stress of past and future relationships clouding your mind, she felt downright heavenly. She was a release from all the stress, a valve for all the frustration and unease boiling in your mind.

Sana lets out a sharp gasp as you fill her for the first time, the same way she did every time. You never tired of hearing that gasp. It was a gasp of pleasure, of relief, of being filled and completed - a puzzle finished with a missing piece. She squeezes her walls around you, her body thankful for the sensation, if the intense tightness and slick wetness were any indication.

When you withdraw your glistening shaft for the first time you relish in the feel of her walls gripping you, not wanting to release you - but just as quickly they welcome you back inside as you penetrate her again. Soon you are pumping in and out of her at a slow, steady pace, her soft gasps turning quickly into long, drawn out moans as she is fucked against the wall.

You spend long moments with your gaze downward, watching as your shaft drills in and out between those round cheeks of hers. You need more, need more of her body, and so you reach up with your left hand to her chest, finding the top of her short dress and pulling downward.

Her breasts bounce free from their tight prison, and Sana gasps in surprise at being newly exposed - not that she minded in the slightest, so lost was she in the pleasure fling her mind and welcoming the potential new source of it. You reach up and squeeze her soft, round mounds with both hands, enjoying the feel of her warm flesh in your fingers and the tight, hard nipples poking your palms.

“Oh, fuck!” Sana hisses, your hands on her breasts bringing her torso upright, until you are both fucking almost vertically. 

You increase your tempo, satisfied now that Sana was ready for more, and before long you are truly fucking her, drilling in and out of the tight hot warmth of her body with quick, deep strokes. With each stroke you don’t pull out more than halfway - you concentrate instead on pumping hard and fast, getting as deep as you could inside her given your standing position.

Soon Sana is cumming, and you are only partially surprised at how quickly she is coming to her first orgasm given the circumstances and the audacity of sex in a bar bathroom. Her mouth opens in a frozen, wordless “O”, her body tightening and pulsing around you, her small frame quivering and shaking as she momentarily loses control of herself.

It takes every effort not to join her in bliss, and you knew she certainly wouldn’t have minded if you did so - but it was her that brought up what you had spoken about in Hawaii, and you weren’t about to disappoint her.

You release her naked breasts from your hands, and she slumps forward against the wall of the bathroom stall, breathing heavily, still recovering from her orgasm. You slip out of her, your rock hard shaft drenched with her juices - and almost quivering with anticipation. The low bathroom light glistens on your cock, and you are satisfied that it is wet enough for what is to come next.

Sana’s head is still hanging between her arms - but when you bring your palms to the cheeks of her ass and spread them slightly, her head rises and turns to look at you.

You had seen Sana deep in the throes of lust and passion before, but you’d never seen her like this - so filled with devilish lust and need at what was about to come. She locks eyes with you, bites her lip softly, and gives you the slightest of nods.

Her cheeks spread apart with your palms, you point the head of your cock at the opening of her ass and begin to press forward.

Sana gasps as your head presses against her tight opening, her body refusing to let you in at first - but you press forward with your hips, slowly parting her entrance. Sana squirms and quivers as her opening slowly parts, and soon you are finally inside her.

Sana’s hands tighten into fists against the smooth surface of the bathroom stall, and a grimace of pain overtakes her partially turned head as you penetrate her ass for the first time. She lets a long hiss escape her lips, and you kiss the back of her head in an attempt to comfort her, bringing your left hand to match hers on the wall, covering her small hand with your own.

Soon you are halfway inside her ass, and you go no further, letting her get used to the new penetration. When you stop moving Sana lets out a long breath that she didn’t know she was holding.

“Fuck,” she spits, “fuck you’re so big inside me.”

“Do you want to-“

“Fuck no,” she snaps, “fuck, please don’t stop. Don’t even think about stopping. I want this. I want you. I want you to fuck my ass.”

You reach up with your right hand, past her hips and her right breast, to her chin, turning it slightly until you are able to kiss her. You spend several long moments there, your lips and tongues playing with each other.

“Now keep going,” she says as she breaks the kiss, “fill me. Fill my ass. Fill me, and fuck me.”

You aren’t one to refuse such an order, and so you press forward - all the while, your eyes are glued to hers as she looks over her shoulder at you, your hand still grasping her by the chin, those eyes glazed with pleasure and lust and just a hint of pain and discomfort. You have never seen her like this - so much in need. You’d seen her face when she is filled with your cock for the first time, seen it during sex, when she is moaning and sighing and gasping, seen it twisted in pleasure when she cums - but never like this. Never twisted in a heady mix of pain and pleasure and pure, unfiltered lust.

It takes minutes or hours or days later, you weren’t sure - but soon you are fully inside her, buried to the hilt inside Minatozaki Sana’s ass.

It is at that moment that you both hear the bathroom door open, and two women walk inside.

Sana’s eyes go wide with surprise.

“I think we’re ready,” says one of the voices - Jihyo’s. 

“I think so too,” agrees another - Nayeon.

“We’re ready,” Jihyo says, “the real question is whether you’re ready.”

“Of course I am,” Nayeon answers with all the confidence in the world, “I always am.”

You wonder what your ex-girlfriend would have said if she’d known that you were just a few feet away, fully buried inside the ass of one of his colleagues.

Jihyo and Nayeon continue their conversation - mostly mundane details about tomorrow’s operation. As they speak, you slowly draw your shaft outside of Sana’s tightly grasping ass for the first time, and once it is halfway out, you slowly push back inside her.

Sana is a quivering and squirming mess, and soon you are slowly pumping in and out of her body, your pace relaxed as you enjoy the tight, hot flesh of Sana’s body wrapped around your cock.

Sana’s tightness  is overwhelming, to say the least - her pussy was tight, but her ass on another level altogether. Not as wet, of course, but almost overwhelmingly tight and hot, grasping you tightly with each entrance and exit like a glove. You weren’t sure how much experience she had had with anal sex, but soon she was taking you in and out of her ass smoothly, the pain and discomfort of your initial penetration quickly lessening and giving way to the novel, new sensation of pleasure from having her ass filled.

Sana lets a short, sharp gasp escape her lips when you fill her to the hilt - one she clearly regrets, given the surprised and embarrassed look on her face. You reach up with your right hand to cover her mouth, and soon you are fucking her ass with your hand clasped over her lips as she tries her best to stifle her moans. Her eyes are glazed over now with pleasure, still locked to yours even as you pump in and out of her asshole.

After awhile her gasps lessen and then end completely as she becomes used to the hard length pumping in and out of her butt. She reaches up with her right hand to cover yours, and she pulls it down her face, until it is at her throat. You didn’t know she was into choking, and she had never shown much interest in it before - but you’d never had her ass before either. You feel her warm neck pulsing beneath your palm. She squeezes the outside of your hand slightly, causing you to clamp a little bit around her slim neck. 

The slightly reduced airflow at her throat causes her ass to clench even tighter around you - and the added tightness brings succulent pleasure to your mind that makes you think you are going insane.

The novelty of it - of fucking Sana’s ass, your hand around her throat - and the danger - being in the bathroom of a busy bar, with your colleagues outside and two of them actually in the same bathroom, seemingly oblivious to the lewd act taking place a few paces away from them - it was all overwhelming.

Outside the bathroom stall, mere feet away, Nayeon and Jihyo are continuing their conversation. Thankfully, the stall you are occupying is a little ways away from the mirror and sinks where you presume they are having their conversation, meaning there was little chance of them noticing what was happening unless they were standing directly outside of the stall.

“...and we’ll be in the van, keeping an eye on everything,” Jihyo says, “Me, their tech specialist, one of the girls from their Tokyo office.. What was her name? The one with the pink hair. Oh, and... him.”

Nayeon lets out a scoff.

“How did he take it, anyway?” Jihyo asks, “I mean, how did he react to your... interrogation techniques?”

“I don’t give a shit what he thinks. I know it turned him on enough to fuck that slut that runs their office in town while they were watching.”

“And you don’t care that he’s got a little harem of girls that he fucks whenever he wants?”

There is a short silence. You imagine Nayeon is considering her answer.

“No,” she says finally. Maybe you were imagining it, but she sounded a little less sure, a little less confident of herself just then.

“Hmm. I could’ve sworn maybe you still had feelings for him.”

“A long time ago. When I was young and stupid.”

“And those feelings won’t ever come back?”

You tense and ready yourself to hear the answer, but all you hear is the sound of the door opening, and the sound of their heels on the tiled floor as they finally leave the bathroom.

The whole time they were speaking, you were continuing to pump in and out of Sana’s ass. It surprised you you lasted this long. And you were more than willing to let yourself fall over the edge.

Your thrusts quicken in pace as you near the edge.

“Cum inside me,” Sana gasps, free to speak now that Nayeon and Jihyo had left, “Choke me!”

Sana’s hand, the one stop your hand at her throat, tightens as though willing you to increase your grip on her windpipe. You are still afraid of hurting her - you already felt guilty for causing her pain and discomfort, however temporary, when you first entered her ass. But her hand on top of yours, clasped around her throat, dismissed any worry you may have had about taking things too far. Your orgasm beckons, and the hand around Sana’s pale throat tightens involuntarily with each thrust in her hot, tight hole.

“Do it... own me. I’m yours. Choke me while you fuck my ass... while you use me! Fill me... Fill my ass with your cum!”

With a few final, short, hard thrusts into Sana’s ass, you bury yourself as deep inside her as you can before finally letting go. Thick, hot cum spurts from your shaft into Sana’s willing depths, her hot, tight ass squeezing and pulsing around your cock as if milking every last drop from you.

As you cum your hand around her throat involuntarily tightens, and the moan that escapes Sana’s throat turns into a gasp - the dark part of you takes obscene pleasure in that fact.

Both of your bodies quiver and shake as the intense pleasure of your orgasm overwhelms your senses. It seems to last forever - longer than any other orgasm you’d had lately. Nothing else exists for those long seconds, aside from Sana’s shaking body in your arms and the hot mess you’ve made inside her.

Your cock pulses a few final times as your orgasm slowly subsides and releases the last spurts of cum into Sana’s body and you regretfully come down from your high. After a few more seconds of treasuring the feel of the hot, creamy mess you’ve left inside her, you slowly draw your half-soft cock out of her body. Within seconds, white, pearly semen begins to leak out of her and onto the reddened, sore cheeks of her ass.

You collapse against the opposite wall of the bathroom stall, trying in vain to process what had just happened. Your eyes remain glued to Sana’s still-quivering form as she tries and mostly fails to collect herself. Slowly she turns so that she too is leaning with her back against the opposite wall, her naked breasts and crotch still exposed, her black shorts still around her knees.

Her inner thighs glisten, your juices and hers flowing down her naked skin. 

“Fuck,” she gasps. A cute smile that you find oddly out of place given her current state of undress appears on her lips, and you smile right back. 

In an action that would have been intensely adorable had she not been half naked, mere minutes from the dirtiest sex she had ever had, Sana blows away a stray strand of pink hair that has fallen into her face before smiling cutely at you. 

The devil satiated for now, she lets a little bit of the angel return.

—-

“HQ to Blue 1, come in.”

“This is Blue 1, loud and clear,” Nayeon responds.

It is noon the next day, hours before the scheduled start of Nayeon’s operation. You are standing in the underground parking lot of JYP as Nayeon tests the connection and clarity of the miniature communication earpiece she had hidden in her ear. From the open rear door of the van, where she is overseeing all the technology involved in the operation, Jeongyeon gives you a thumbs up.

“Can you adjust the camera on her jacket? The picture isn’t quite centered,” she adds as she slides back into the rear of the van on her wheeled chair.

You reach for the small pin, which was in truth a miniature wireless camera, on the short blazer Nayeon is wearing, adjusting the angle as Jeongyeon requested. Nayeon fidgets and squirms, clearly uncomfortable with your sudden proximity.

“Will you sit still for a second?” you ask, sounding a little more annoyed than you wanted to.

“Will you hurry up? It’s a goddamn pin, it’s not that hard to straighten,” she replies with a similarly annoyed tone.

You huff under your breath at how difficult she was being - she had been this way the entire morning. Having done what you could, you turn back to the van.

“Jeongyeon? What about now?”

A couple of moments pass as she reviews the video feed.

“Yeah, it’s still a little crooked. Let me see what I can do on my end,” she yells from the van.

You stand there awkwardly with Nayeon, both of you unsure what to do next while Jeongyeon worked on the video feed. Nayeon fidgets with her blazer and earpiece, and you pull out your phone and pretend to look through your emails.

“So… why did you choose Blue as your callsign, anyway?” you ask Nayeon, not taking your eyes away from your phone. You wanted to break the awkward silence somehow.

“I… It’s my favorite color. Thanks for remembering.”

You smirk at Nayeon’s comment.

“It was years ago, Nayeon. People forget things.”

“It’s a pretty simple thing to remember. Pretty much everything I gave you was blue.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Including that blue hoodie I gave you for our second anniversary. The one you wore for like a year straight, the one you loved so much? But who cares, you probably threw it away a long time ago,” Nayeon finishes. You look up from your phone to see that she has turned away from you, looking blankly at some of the other parked cars in the lot.

You go back to wondering about just why she was so upset today. The two of you had settled on being coldly indifferent towards each other at work and ignoring each others’ presence altogether outside of it, but today something had changed - from the moment she had come into the office this morning she had seemed angry and upset at you.

“What exactly is your problem today, Nayeon?” you demand, wanting to know just why you were being treated this way.

Nayeon crosses her arms, still facing away from you.

“It doesn’t matter,” she says after a short silence as she casts her eyes downward, “forget about it.”

“Nayeon-”

You are interrupted by the sound of a woman jogging into the parking lot from the nearby elevator. It is Sana, her hair a flurry of wavy pink strands as she pulls back the hood atop her head. 

“I’m so sorry I’m late! I slept in…” she says, catching her breath. She fans herself with one hand and with the other she unzips the blue hoodie she is wearing…

Your blue hoodie. The one you gave her what seemed like a lifetime ago, when you spent your first night together in Tokyo. The same one that was given to you as an anniversary present, so many years ago...

You turn to Nayeon to see that she has already noticed what the Japanese girl is wearing. She tried, on the surface, to keep composed, but you had seen that look before - it was the same look she wore when you told her about the job offer from JYP, the same one that would mean the end of your relationship. It was a look of someone whose heart had just been shattered, but whose pride was keeping her from outwardly showing it.

“I… Sana, I think Jeongyeon needs some help in the van, can you help her out?”

Sana is puzzled at your request, but not being any wiser, she nods an affirmative to the both of you and moves to join Jeongyeon.

You turn to Nayeon, who is almost shaking with fear and hate and heartbreak.

“Nayeon, I-”

“No, don’t even start,” she hisses, holding up a hand as though physically stopping you from going any further, “Don’t.”

You notice she is quivering with equal parts hate and anger and hurt, her hands balled into fists as she struggles to contain the emotions overwhelming her.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” she says under her breath, “for still having feelings for you. For hoping you still had feelings for me. And for taking this job when Jihyo asked, and going halfway across the world for the chance that maybe, just maybe, you and I could give it another shot.”

You want to say something, want to tell her it was all a big unfortunate mistake, a big misunderstanding, and that Sana wearing the blue hoodie meant nothing.

“But here you are,” Nayeon continues, her voice and tone wavering, “and you’ve done nothing but parade the train of sluts that you’re sleeping with in front of me - hell, you even fucked one while I was in the same goddamn bathroom, because that’s how much of an asshole you are. And you even gave her the hoodie I gave you, just to rub it in my face. That’s how much you wanted to show me I was just some girl you’d fucked and left behind in your hometown. Just another girl. Just another hole. Just another slut.”

You are shocked speechless by Nayeon’s confession, and you are unable to defend yourself from her accusations. All you can do is stand there, dumbfounded, as the woman you once loved so much struggles to compose herself.

“But really, I should be thanking you. Because I loved you. I thought for a minute that maybe I still loved you.”

Nayeon pauses, and in that moment a single tear falls from her eye, down a face that is shattered by emotion.

“So thank you, really - for convincing me that you don't deserve my love.”

Nayeon turns and leaves the parking lot back in the direction of the elevators, and just as it was so many years ago, she leaves with a broken heart.

---

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK: DEAR ARMY WE ARE IN LOVE

DISCLAIMER: I wouldn't take this particular post seriously. I mean it's something, but nothing at the same time. I just do these kinds of 'analysis' for fun and for my own personal amusement.

Do you see it? Or do you need me to connect the dots for you? Thought you'd never ask! Lol

I have always been fascinated by BTS's incorporation of fine art, poetry, metaphors, imageries, philosophical and psychological theories etc into their craft.

They are brilliant at expressing themselves and conveying their emotions through art and music. I have always found that challenging and mentally stimulating.

Take for example this whole Dear Army moments they shared with us on Weverse this week. Yes, it's a marketing strategy, the objective of which is to build an intimate connection with Army but most importantly hear feedback from Army on the struggles we are each facing in light of Covid 19 and also to provide feedback on why we love and stan BTS through their recommended hashtags.

Suga had already explained they were going to do this in that March YouTube live and so it's no brainer. The fun part for me, which of course is subjective, is the embedded meaning behind this whole Dear Army concept.

The progression from day to night, the use of contrast etc is all very reminiscent of the message of Bulletproof eternal- we are not seven with you. Especially with Suga and Hobi's postcard being taken directly from the BTS bonfire moment in Bonvoyage which made a cameo in Bulletproof eternal and the allusion to winter in both artworks.

The overall message of Dear Army is very simple: we had nothing but dreams, open our eyes to a foggy morning, so much pain too much crying; after seven winters and spring- we are all in this together, BTS and Army forever.

I also found the exploration of the cycle of life, the ambiguity of morning and night that blurs the line between evening and daybreak quite interesting. Its always been a recurring theme in their songs and arts. It's just them reassuring and connecting with us through their ingenuity as usual.

But of course this is just my opinion and my interpretation of their use of symbolism and allusions. And as much as I enjoy deconstructing BTS's musical genius, I'm just going to focus on Jikook's message- well not message, message but their artistic expressions in Dear Army.

JIKOOK'S MESSAGE

Now I already talked about the body text of Jimin's post and so I'm not going over that again. Jk's text is equally very much straightforward and is just a restatement of the message he shared in his recent YouTube live about rediscovering his purpose in life. So I won't focus on that either.

It's the artwork they chose that I am interested in and fascinated by. I was trying to ascertain whether the art work for the postcards where chosen randomly by staff or whether it was something the members themselves chose as at first glance it looked pretty generic- I wasn't able to confirm so...

Now from what Suga said about incorporating letters into their upcoming album, I'm just going to assume BTS themselves chose these images and the creative directors added their finishing touches to it- based on the tone and mood BTS had described.

Let's start with Jimin's. I clocked immediately I saw his postcard where the concept of that artwork or background image was from. I'll circle back to this hold on.

I value and pay alot of attention to the unique ways that each member of BTS expresses themselves. Those unadulterated, authentic expressions of self provides a better sense of who they are as Individuals rather than the perfectly curated, highly edited and performative versions of themselves we see screens. In my opinion.

Take Tae and JK for example. These two men are the kinds who'd write a song about their feelings and emotions when they are hurt. Lol. They deep for no reason. Bless them.

Jimin talks a lot. He is a verbal communicator. But hardly does he reveal any relevant details about himself that gives insight into his psyche and persona through his words. Again, in my opinion.

I keep saying his persona is very elusive to me. He tends to give us so much he ends up not giving us anything at all. Unlike Tae or even JK who write songs, recommend songs, or even GCF(JK) that gives us insight into their personal feelings, Jimin doesn't do covers as much and the songs he recommendes aren't as insightful into his deepest thoughts and feelings. He is very elusive that way.

That doesn't mean he doesn't express himself. He does, just not through his music like the others. In my opinion. Mostly he expresses his wants, his desires through his music but his sensuality through his dance.

It seems also that he explores his identity and expresses the exploration of that identity through the body arts he inks himself with temporarily or permanently.

Jk I find is the opposite. He doesn't explore his identity through his body art. Nor his sensuality through dance. Rather he expresses his values and the things he cherishes through his body art; his thoughts and feelings through his music and art.

And so while Jimin would be inking temptress, seductress, bigender on his body, JK would be inking- rather cool than dead and other symbols that represents his beliefs and values on his body.

I'm going off on a tangent, am I not? Sigh

Back to the post card. When I saw JM's postcard, it immediately reminded me of JK's GCF in Helsinki. [Couldn't attach image due to Tumblr but check it yourself]

It reminded me of JK's Frozen sunset theme, his use of warm and cold contrasting colors throughout that GCF and also the ending parts of GCF Helsinki where the sun is setting over the clouds just as in this post card- Frozen Sunset.

Jk also made an allusion to that frozen sunset in his song Still with you. I am particular about his use of the words Sky, clouds, sunset etc when they appear in his music, paintings or tattoos because he once said it's something he loves taking pictures of- that and of course Jimin.

I pay much attention to the things he says he loves and so I look for them in his self expressions to try and understand why he loves it and what it means to him.

Honestly, I didn't think much of JM's postcard art when I saw that use of the frozen sunset for his postcard. I thought, well staff could have picked it out randomly so I was waiting to see JK's postcard and the overall concept for Dear Army to see if this was something JM had done intentionally.

Part of me also felt those themes they presented in the post card art work were metaphors for the kind of songs they would be creating in the new Album just as Suga had said.

But JK's postcard art made me suspicious of JM's post card. JK's postcard art is the odd one out of all the artworks for the postcards. Sope had a similar complimentary art taken from the bonfire moment of Bulletproof Eternal as I mentioned earlier. The rest all had elements pertaining to nature- sky, parks etc except JK's.

Also the theme and symbolism of Jk's art convinces me he chose his artwork himself for that post- I mean I could be wrong but...

Remember when I talked about GCF Helsinki, Still with you and Never Not etc and I said they all had a similar theme- something about roads and paths, being mismatched, not being on the same page, not having the same goals etc?

GCF Helsinki- I'll take the desert, you take the coast to each his own.( moving in different paths)

Still with you: Though our steps may not go along together, I still want to walk this path with you.(again, mismatched paths repeated)

I was intrigued by that recurring theme of roads and paths leading in different directions in JK's music and art in this timeline especially as it contrasts heavily with the themes of his past timelines.

And I even speculated that I felt it was in reference to him and JM not meeting minds on the direction they wanted to take their relationship.

I have been waiting eagerly for him to release yet another cover or art since still with to see what that whole mismatched, separate roads thingy was all about but he didn't do his birthday cover this year- among other things.

It's thus funny to be that in this post card thingy he chose train tracks- intersecting train tracks to represent his feelings and coupled with the message of him rediscovering his passion- It doesn't feel like a coincidence to me or something staff would chose for him.

It certainly doesn't help my delusional brain cells, that JM flashed that Mickey Mouse during his VLive which again I felt was an allusion to their GCF in Tokyo.

First he is making allusions to GCF Tokyo, now GCF Helsinki, signing his name to JK's posts at Pop-ups...

Remember when I said that if JM was the one who had stopped JK from posting on his birthday, that he would come swinging hard on his Jikook agenda? Remember that?

If JK posting on his birthday was important to JM, chilee nothing would have stopped JM from logging into Twitter, posting and signing JK's damn name to his post- if saving face is what was important to him. It's not like he's not done that before. He could have done that and we wouldn't even know it wasn't from JK. Lol

He really is the one that stopped JK from posting on his birthday for whatever reason- wink. You know. Lol

Park Jimin is not the 'victim' in this birthday drama. He is guilty party your honor. Guilty per the books. Lol

Stay supporting Jikook, your life will be easier that way. Bless you.

Signed,

GOLDY

[paths-of-my-childhood-candid]

OH, TAYLOR! Taylor Swift On Side-Stepping Into Acting, Owning What You Make & Loving The “Weirdness” Of Cats

On a grey London afternoon in late September, Taylor Swift slips quietly through the doors of a north London recording studio. It is an auspicious moment: the queen of confessional pop has come to meet Andrew Lloyd Webber, the king of musical theatre. Together, Swift, who turns 30 this month, and Lloyd Webber, 71, have written “Beautiful Ghosts”, a new song for the soon-to-be-released film adaptation of Cats – Webber’s 1981 extravaganza, which ran in the West End and on Broadway for a combined total of almost 40 years. In it, Swift plays Bombalurina, and like her co-stars – Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Francesca Hayward, Ian McKellen, Jennifer Hudson, Rebel Wilson – appears in full, furry CGI glory. Track finished, these two titans of the music industry sit down to talk… 

Andrew Lloyd Webber: Well, the first thing we have to clear up is that we both love cats. Taylor Swift: [Laughs] We do! One of the first things you said to me when we met was that you’re president of the Turkish Van Cat Club.  ALW: Professionally, there is nowhere I can go to top this, as you can completely understand. TS: I have three cats. How many do you have now?  ALW: I have three, too – they are all Turkish Vans. And you’ve got a Scottish Fold I believe. TS: I have two Scottish Folds, we think the third is a Ragdoll mix. ALW: You’re probably never going to talk to me again, but you know I’ve got a puppy? He’s called Mojito.  TS: I heard about this! How does he get along in the hierarchy?  ALW: Well, he believes he’s a little bear actually. He’s a Havanese dog, which I got because Glenn Close has one. TS: I’ve met that dog, he’s really good. ALW: You come from Pennsylvania. TS: I do. People seem to think I was raised in the south, but I’m from the north – grew up on a Christmas tree farm, then moved to Nashville when I was 14. ALW: And you wanted to move to Nashville for the songwriting or the singing? Or both? TS: Both – I was just obsessed with Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Dixie Chicks, and the thing they had in common was that they had gotten discovered in Nashville. So I had it in my head that this is a magical place where discoveries are made and people are able to do music as a living. ALW: Was it the storytelling side of country songs that you liked? Absolutely. It reminded me of the ’90s, when you had these amazing female singer-songwriters like Alanis Morissette and Sarah McLachlan; incredible female writers like Melissa Etheridge, Shawn Colvin; and these types of Lilith Fair women. Then you started to hit the 2000s and the only place I could find real confessional storytelling was country music. ALW: Did you know anybody when you got to Nashville? TS: No, we didn’t really. I’d been going there on vacation with my family, and my mom, my little brother and I would stay in a hotel and try to meet people. Eventually, after several trips, I got a development deal – it’s a non-committal record deal, like, “We’ll watch you develop for a year and then we’ll decide if we sign you.” That was grounds enough to move the family. ALW: Presumably you were in school in Nashville as well? TS: Yes, I was going to high school during the day and doing my songwriting sessions at night. It was a double life. I’d be writing notes in class, and my teachers never knew if they were notes for my class or if I’d gotten an idea for a song. ALW: How many songs would you write in a day? TS: Usually, never more than one. I had these sessions every day, and if I didn’t come in with a good idea, I’d get stared at. You’re not inspired every day, as you know, but you have to show up and treat it like a job. That’s where I learned the craft of songwriting. ALW: I’ve never worked like that, because I’m so story driven. What interests me, though, is how Nashville works. How did you get your foot on the performing ladder? TS: It was really writing first. At the same time, I was singing the national anthem every time I could – at festivals and fairs and bars, anywhere I could get up on stage. I was trying to hone both sides of what I was doing, but I’m very well aware that I would not have a career if I hadn’t been a writer. I wouldn’t have just been a singer, it wouldn’t have worked. ALW: I guess that, today, very few people have a major career unless they write. TS: Yeah, I agree. I think it’s really important – also from the side of ownership over what you do and make. Even if you aren’t a natural writer, you should try to involve yourself in the messages you’re sending. ALW: How does a young country artist get their first break? TS: I worked as hard as I could, reached out to as many people as I could to make sure I got meetings with publishing companies and labels. They didn’t come about very easily, but once I got in the room I’d just get out my guitar and play for them. ALW: Do you have to sing in a certain club to get to the next stage? TS: Everyone does it a different way, but the Bluebird Cafe is a place where everyone was discovered – from Garth Brooks to Faith Hill to, arguably, me. I remember being at your house after we’d written a song, and you telling me you’d bought it when you were 24 or something, that’s when I realised just how young you were when you had a vision to be doing this at such a high level. ALW: I was writing for the theatre when I was eight-years-old. I had a little toy theatre and did dreadful musicals on terrible subjects. Then, when I was about 13, I met a boy who wanted to write lyrics, and we did a couple of musicals at school. TS: So from the beginning you would pair up with a lyricist? ALW: One of the things I worked out very early was Lloyd Webber and lyrics are not a good idea. TS: Wow. It is a good alliteration, though. ALW: You were 19, weren’t you, when you had your first big hit? TS: I was about 18 when “Love Story”, a song I’d written alone, was a worldwide hit. I was lucky enough to work my way up in country music, for new artists nowadays, it feels like the trajectory of their career is like being shot out of a canon into a stratosphere they could in no way be prepared for. I got to sort of acclimate to every step of the path I was on, and by the time I had a massive hit I’d been working since I was 14. Moving from country music to pop was a crazy adjustment for me. ALW: And now we’ve written “Beautiful Ghosts” together for Cats. TS: I remember the moment. I went over to your apartment to rehearse “Macavity” and you sat down at the piano and started to play this haunting, beautiful melody, and I think I just started singing to it right away. ALW: You wrote the lyrics more or less then and there – it was fantastic. TS: It’s a different perspective on the song “Memory”, too, and the character of Grizabella [played by Jennifer Hudson], who used to have majestic, glamorous times and doesn’t anymore. On the other side of it, you have this little white cat [Victoria, played by Francesca Hayward] who’s been abandoned – she’s afraid she’ll never have a chance to have beautiful memories. So that’s where she’s singing “Beautiful Ghosts” from, to counter Grizabella’s idea of tragedy. ALW: I’d like to come back to something I thought when I heard your album, Lover – which is really absolutely brilliant. Am I right in thinking you approached its recording just as though you were giving live performances? TS: I did. I was really singing a lot at that point – I’d just come from a stadium tour, and then did Cats, which was all based on live performances – so a lot of that album is nearly whole takes. When you perform live, you’re narrating and you’re getting into the story and you’re making faces that are ugly and you’re putting a different meaning on a song every time you perform it. ALW: That’s the point isn’t it. TS: Yeah. ALW: Does that ever make you feel you want to be an actress? TS: I have no idea. When I was younger, I used to get questions like, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I’d try to answer. As I get older, I’m learning that wisdom is learning how dumb you are compared to how much you are going to know. I really had an amazing time with Cats. I think I loved the weirdness of it. I loved how I felt I’d never get another opportunity to be like this in my life. ALW: It’s weird, what I’ve seen of the movie. TS: It’s decidedly weird [they laugh]. ALW: I think Tom [Hooper, the film’s director] has really tried to make something original. And I agree, I think as you get older you do become less sure of yourself and start to question what you can do. Would you consider doing a musical? TS: A musical? Absolutely, absolutely. ALW: Or writing your own? TS: That is way up there on my list of dreams. ALW: You should. TS: Was it really wonderful for you when you got the news that Judi Dench had accepted the role of Old Deuteronomy? ALW: Judi was in the original version in 1981 but she snapped her Achilles tendon and had to withdraw. Then I had this idea, which I ran past Tom, that we could make Old Deuteronomy a woman. Seeing her perform this time was quite an emotional thing for me, because it was a very, very sad day when she had to leave the original show. TS: She’s lovely. I remember being on set, and there is one scene that Idris [Elba, who plays Macavity] and I do with Judi, and someone walked up to me with this kind of gummy candy and I was like, “Oh, I’ve never had this before, this must be British candy, this is amazing.” I was raving about this candy so much, and Judi must have overheard me, because the next day I got to my dressing room and there was a signed photo from Judi and, like, six bags of it [they laugh]. Andrew, we both started young. What do we have in common from our experiences? What do you think was hard about it? And what was great? ALW: I suppose what was hard for me was that I was a fish out of the mainstream water. In the 1960s, to love musicals was as uncool as you could possibly be, and kids in my class at school would laugh at me. TS: I was the same. I loved country music and, where I was in school, the kids were just completely perplexed by that. It’s gotten more mainstream, but when I was a 13-year-old in Pennsylvania, I got similar reactions. Do you feel like you’re glad you were really young when you started? ALW: Yeah, are you? TS: I’m really glad, even though there are challenges to it – like you’re not allowed to make the same mistakes as everyone else because your mistakes are a commodity. ALW: And your mistakes are made in public. But we share something in common, in which we are extremely lucky. We both knew at an early age what we wanted to do, and most people in life don’t have a clue. TS: That’s very true. I think, also, a lot of the time when people see a career that they want it can be results-based. Rather than wanting to write musicals, they want to be a person who has written musicals. But when I see you work, I see you consistently creating and being curious about the next idea. You relish in the process even more than the rewards, which is the advice I would give anyone who wanted to do anything remotely close to this job. It cannot be about the results. ALW: It’s the process isn’t it? TS: It has to be. It’s supposed to be fun!

MEET & GREET: Introducing the faces behind this month’s issue

When it came to interviewing Taylor Swift about her musical-movie debut in Cats, there was only one man for the job: Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer of the original West End and Broadway mega hit. The two colossi of songwriting had plenty to discuss at a recording studio in north London – art, ambition and authenticity, plus what we can expect from the soon-to-be-released film.

Vogue: What was it like to work with Taylor? Andrew Lloyd Webber: She’s supremely professional and very charming with it. In my view, she could go far. Vogue: What was your first impression of her? ALW: She’s a lot taller than me, and a lot more attractive. Vogue: What’s your favourite Swift hit? ALW: “Blank Space” from the album 1989. It’s a great pop song with great lyrics.

[daleisgreat]

The Avengers: Endgame

Over the last couple months I finally upgraded to somewhat modern TV and gaming rigs in the form of a 55” Samsung 4KTV and Xbox Series X. I own three 4K UHD discs, but one I already covered a couple years back with my entry of the BluRay version that came bundled with the 4K disc of Die Hard. The other is a two pack of the first two John Wick films, and rest assured those will get their day in the sun here eventually. From my research, the Xbox Series X is not a top shelf 4K BluRay player, at least not at the system’s launch before presumable system software updates, but also sounds like a fairly better quality version of the drive that came in the Xbox One X|S, and also supports upscaling of regular BluRays to 4K. Coincidentally, on top of my movie backlog pile was a movie I absolutely wanted to take advantage of that 4K upscaling and thus here we are with today’s write-up for 2019’s The Avengers: Endgame (trailer). WARNING: Unlike nearly most of my other movie recaps I will be diving into serious spoiler territory ahead. The amount of hype leading up to Endgame was insurmountable. Anthony and Joseph Russo did an astounding job directing the first part in 2018’s Infinity War (read my entry for it here). Both that and Endgame top the three hour mark to squeeze in as many characters, references, periphery side plots and so much more from the previous 21 Marvel Cinematic Universe films that lead up to this finale. By accomplishing just that, both movies are the breeziest three hour viewings I have experienced because the Russo brothers do a commendable job at keeping the scenes flowing and doing their best to give everyone their proper time to shine. The ending of Infinity War saw Thanos (Josh Brolin) deliver the snap heard around the world that vanished half of all life in the entire universe. It was a soul-crushing downer of a cliffhanger to end on, but the post-credits tag hinting at the cry of help for Captain Marvel (Brie Larson) left crowds with a glimmer of hope. This being based around comic books there is the unwritten rule where no one truly stays dead either, so part of the experience going into Endgame was to see how the remaining Avengers plan to bring everybody back. Endgame kicks off with the fresh effects of ‘the snap’ when it starts with Hawkeye’s family all getting dusted from him in the middle of a picnic.

The film transitions to the remaining un-dusted Avengers squad of Nebula (Karen Gillan) and Iron Man (Robert Downer Jr.) floating aimlessly in space until the convenient deus ex machina that is Captain Marvel miraculously tracks them down and hauls them back to Earth. A few weeks Avengers HQ tracks down Thanos on an isolated planet and with Captain Marvel’s power, they anticlimactically kill him off in a brief scene. This was one of the parts of the film that did not sit well with me after building up Thanos as this unrivaled threat in all the previous films, and to have the Avengers cold-bloodedly put him down in quick order seems so……unlike them, but he did off half the universe so I understand how the Russo’s felt justified for filming it that way, but I cannot help that it did not come across right, and could have been handled better. Of course, a more proper Thanos battle would be coming later in the final act thanks to my pet peeve plot device that is…. …TIME TRAVEL!!!! This and alternate dimension traveling I despise and have turned me off to many shows over the years like Lost and CW’s DC shows. The worst of it is indeed present here because meaningful character deaths that happened in Infinity War to Loki (Tom Hiddleston) and Gamura (Karen Gillan) become undone and their sacrifices proved for naught. All that griping aside however, I will give the Russo brothers credit because even with those qualms I feel they pull off time travel and have it appear as more than a convenient storytelling method. Again, major props because that is a hell of a hurdle to overcome. The filmmakers go out of their way in a couple scenes to directly call out Back to the Future’s style of time travel bullshit, and have a couple characters ever-so-carefully explain in detail and for the laymen how “real” time travel works.

This is all thanks to a rambunctious rat who inadvertently zaps Ant Man (Paul Rudd) out of the Quantum Realm…after being trapped there five years due to his team being on the end of a dusting before bringing him back. Ant Man deduces upon his return that he is able to undo the dusting through his van-quantum-realm-contraption, and convinces the Avengers to conjure up a plan they cleverly dub the “Time Heist” to travel back to capture all the Infinity Gems Stones before Thanos does. I loved how these scenes played out, and there is a plethora of fan service throughout it as the three squads of Avengers jump to different periods like the final battle of the original Avengers film, and a 1970 military base where Howard Stark (John Slattery) unknowingly meets his son. Plans do not proceed swimmingly to say the least, and past timeline Thanos becomes clued in to their plan and thwarts the Avengers attempt at trying to undo the past in a CG showpiece for the ages with his assault on Avengers HQ. The CG fireworks continue to dazzle for the bulk of the final hour of the film with a climatic showdown between Thanos and his forces against The Avengers and the returning of the dusted Marvel characters. I have seen too many comic book films fail at translating over-the-top comic book action on the silver screen, but the Russo brothers always manage to pull it off. I fondly remember the theater crowd going gaga when Captain America (Chris Evans) summons Mjolnir and wallops Thanos with it. The women of Marvel have another moment to shine together where they collectively team up to kick ass. Moments of levity are brilliantly peppered in throughout the chaos for a much-needed chuckle from the nonstop adrenaline-boosting action. That final battle masterfully builds up to the dramatic sacrifice of Iron Man in the standout emotional scene of the film.

The resulting aftermath was heartwarmingly done here with a pre-recorded farewell from Iron Man, and a collage of nearly all the major and minor MCU characters at Iron Man’s funeral. I believe this is the first MCU film without a post-credits tag, and that is 100% fine by me, because the beginning of the credits is a lovingly crafted tribute to the original Avengers cast done in the fashion of the Original Series cast of Star Trek VI that resonated with me feeling the end of a pivotal era of the MCU that I have been largely enjoying since the original 2008 Iron Man. I usually do not dive into this much detail and spoilers when recapping the movies here, but due to this being the final chapter of this era of the MCU films I could not help myself, and believe me there is so much more I wanted to dive in here on because like I said, the Russo brothers crammed in an incredible amount of narrative into three hours. There is so much ground in here it is impossible for me to recap it all, and that it will in all likelihood be the fastest three hour movie you will ever endure. I did not get a chance to even touch on over-the-hill Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and the hybrid Bruce Banner/Hulk (Mark Ruffalo (spoiler: they both killed it!)). Endgame unsurprisingly did major bank at the box office, so I feel safe knowing most of you reading this already watched it by now which is another reason I went all out on the spoilers.

I re-watched the film for this entry a second time with commentary from the Russo brothers, and writers Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely, and that greatly helped explain some little tidbits that were easy to miss and/or not fully comprehend in the midst of the three hours. I know this is a little detail, but I want to give props to Marvel for being one of the few companies out there for shelling out resources to caption the commentary track! I exponentially appreciate it more than you know! The commentary helped with understanding why they did not do a lot for Black Widow’s (Scarlett Johansson) aftermath of her death because she has her prequel film set to release. Other notable takeaways from the commentary was how Stark’s “I am Iron Man” line was a last minute addition to the film, giving credit to Star Trek VI as inspiration for their credits sequence, being hopeful for Marvel capitalizing on Falcon donning Cap’s shield and lots of understandable love for the visual effects team for their hard work. Aside from the commentary track, the BluRay has a second disc with just under an hour of bonus material. There is the requisite short, but top-of-the-line gag reel that is standard in most Marvel Studios home videos. There are five minutes of deleted scenes worth a look, with some of them lightheartedly covering up plot holes. Remembering Stan Lee is a touching tribute to Stan, filled with archived interviews from him on his experiences in the cameos, and showing plenty of delightful off-camera interactions with the cast and crew. There are well done character profile pieces for Thor, Black Widow, Captain America and Iron Man, with each one having countless cast and crew state proper kudos to what the actors have done for those characters over the years. If you only have time for one then I recommend Man Out of Time: Creating Captain America, because it goes into a little more detail than the others and Chris Evans has some intriguing introspection from his years with the character. Finally, there are short, but worthwhile pieces on the Russo brothers and the women of the MCU that should not be skipped out on either.

As I mentioned above, the hype building up to Endgame was insurmountable, but Joseph and Anthony Russo overcame the odds and delivered a gratifying conclusion to this era of the MCU. Watching the BluRay upscaled in 4K on a TV about a third bigger than my previous set made it a grander experience too for those showpiece moments. Sure I had quibbles and nitpicks I mentioned above, but by and large those are easily overcome by how much the Russo brothers got it right with this film. I am kicking myself for waiting a year and a half to re-watch it, but picked up on a lot of little things that went right over mine and Drax’s heads the first time out. If you have yet to give The Avengers: Endgame another viewing, then do not hesitate because you will not regret once again taking in this landmark epic that delivered against all odds! Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street The Accountant Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron The Avengers: Infinity War Batman: The Dark Knight Rises Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve The Clapper Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed I & II Deck the Halls Detroit Rock City Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Grunt: The Wrestling Movie Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Hell Comes to Frogtown Hercules: Reborn Hitman I Like to Hurt People Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jay and Silent Bob Reboot Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Last Action Hero Major League Man of Steel Man on the Moon Man vs Snake Marine 3-6 Merry Friggin Christmas Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpions Revenge National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets Nintendo Quest Not for Resale Payback (Director’s Cut) Pulp Fiction The Punisher (1989) The Ref The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VIII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery Scott Pilgrim vs the World The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Slacker Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Sully Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild The Wizard Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men: Days of Future Past

[luffles424]

Lucidity (7)

☼ Pairing: BTS x reader (no pairing this chapter)

☼ Genre: vampire!BTS, succubus!reader, smut, fluff, angst

☼ Count: 4K

☼ Warnings: mentions of death (minor character), mentions of past trauma, blood, violence (there’s a physical fight at the end), depictions of injuries

☼ Summary: You’ve spent years jumping from country to country, starting countless new lives. Crafting new lives is as easy as breathing for you, lies flowing easily and people are charmed with a simple bat of your eyes. When you meet a witch who offers the idea of opening a supernatural club, using your powers combined with hers to ensure safety to those who enter, you decide to join her in an adventure that is entirely new to you. But your new life in Seoul is drastically changed when you’re forced to face something you’ve spent centuries hiding from. But just because you might be running for your life again doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun along the way, right?

☼ a/n: I’m sorry, this is like, all angst but with all different people lmao but we getting to some truths 👀👀 But is it the whole truth? 🤔🤔 As always, let me know what you think! My ask box is always open ~ 💙💙💙💙

Yoongi has only just sat back in his chair for a moment when there’s a knock at the door. He wants to laugh that you’ve already had to come back, probably just because you forgot something but he’s definitely going to take the opportunity to tease you about it. He stands and makes his way to the door, tugging it open with a grin and a quip about you missing his cock already on the tip of his tongue, a remark that very quickly dies before it can even leave his mouth. The smile quickly drops from his face when instead of you, he’s met with Hoseok. 

He swallows, something like dread settling in his belly. He thinks he manages a weak smile. “Oh, hey Hobi. What’s up?”

Hoseok frowns, eyes searching Yoongi’s face. Yoongi’s not sure what he’s looking for but it seems like he doesn’t find it. Instead, he pushes past Yoongi and into the studio, nose wrinkling as he does so, it probably reeks of sex. He gives Yoongi a look that’s full of accusation. 

“Why?”

Yoongi flounders, he wonders if he could claim it was someone else. Hoseok would see through that lie. How much did Hoseok hear? See? “Why what?”

“Don’t play dumb Yoongi. I saw her leaving.” He looks so hurt, like this was a personal slight against him. “You claim to be Namjoon’s best friend. And yet here you are, fucking the one person, the only person ever, that he’s told us to stay away from. Why would you do this to him?”

Yoongi feels indignation rise in him at the accusation that he’s somehow betrayed Namjoon. This is nothing like betrayal, this is just… working with the information at his disposal. “Excuse me? Whatever Namjoon’s issue with her is, is entirely his problem. If she were a serious threat, she would’ve been dealt with by someone already. You don’t get to live for centuries being a shitty person who puts our existences at risk.”

“That’s bullshit and weak and you know it. Namjoon’s problem with her is all of our problems with her. We’re together for a reason. We’re a family.”

“If that’s true then why won’t he tell us what she did, huh? Don’t you think it’s weird that he won’t say anything about it? Namjoon’s never held information from us like this before.”

Hoseok sighs. “You know he has his reasons-”

“Yeah, reasons that he won’t share!”

Hoseok blinks at Yoongi’s outburst and Yoongi looks just as surprised. He doesn’t understand why he’s getting so worked up, but something about this whole situation digs under his skin. 

“Are you seriously defending her over Namjoon?” Hoseok asks incredulously, like that’s the only conclusion to draw from his behavior. 

Yoongi’s jaw works. “I’m not defending anyone. I’m simply pointing out the flaws in this blind belief in him. We’ve been around long enough to be able to think for ourselves. We’re not children. Not by a long shot anymore.”

Hoseok shakes his head in disappointment and pulls his phone out. “I’m sorry Yoongi, but I’ve got to tell him.”

Yoongi feels panicked as he stares at Hoseok’s phone. He wasn’t sure who he was more worried for, you or himself. “Hobi, please. Don’t do that.”

Hoseok hesitates for a few moments, something unreadable crossing his face before he’s pressing Namjoon’s contact name. “I’m sorry Yoongi.” He says as he walks out. 

Nothing happens for a couple of days after that. Yoongi’s on edge the whole time. He tried to hole up in his studio but your scent lingered and it made his chest ache that he could possibly be putting you in danger. When Namjoon finally arrives back home, he calls a meeting. He doesn’t look angry and that sets Yoongi even more on edge, Namjoon’s default setting regarding you seemed to be rage, but right now he seems calm and collected. The others look confused as well, exchanging looks as they all sit around the table and wait for Namjoon to begin. The only time they have meetings in the dining room like this is when they’re having serious talks, but nobody can recall anything major that happened recently. Nothing that would warrant a dining room conversation. 

Namjoon stands at the head of the table, waiting as Hoseok finally enters, the last to arrive. He takes a seat across from Yoongi. 

“Thanks for coming home a little early from breaks. Hoseok said that we needed to have an emergency meeting.” A murmur ripples through the boys and Namjoon sits down. 

Hoseok stands and Yoongi shoots him a look, trying his best to communicate how bad of an idea this was. Praying his hardest that Hoseok doesn’t do this. Hoseok stares at the table. The others are quiet as they wait for him to speak. 

“Yes… Um… I know this will be hard to talk about…” He trails off, looking at Yoongi. Yoongi can see the indecision written across his face, he has no idea what Hoseok might say next. “I think it best benefits the group to know what your problem with that succubus is… with Y/n. Seoul is a big place, but it’s not that big for supernatural folks. We’re bound to run into her at some point. We deserve to know what to look out for so that we can protect ourselves.”

Yoongi only gets a moment to breathe a sigh of relief before the atmosphere of the room plummets. Namjoon’s face turns hard and Hoseok shrinks under his gaze. 

“You think you know better than me about what’s best for the group?”

Hoseok doesn’t reply, head ducked like a child being reprimanded so Yoongi speaks for him. It’s the least he can do after Hoseok just covered for him. “Joonie, that’s not what he’s saying at all. He’s just saying that we can be better prepared for anything if we know what we need to look out for.”

Namjoon’s gaze snaps to him but Yoongi doesn’t let him intimidate him. He’s tired of being left in the dark like this. They deserve to know. “All you need to know is that she’s dangerous and you need to stay away.”

Jin pipes up. “That doesn’t tell us anything. In what way is she dangerous? Is it a matter of her using her powers against us? Will she use other people to do her bidding? Joon, if we don’t know, we can’t stop it.”

Yoongi hadn’t expected further support but he’s incredibly grateful for it. He doesn’t think he could’ve gotten through to Namjoon alone. “We just want to help you keep us safe. But you need to keep us informed too.”

The rest voice their agreement. All eyes turn to Namjoon. He looks a little like a cornered animal, like he’s trying to calculate an escape route. His gaze darts around to each of them like if he stares at them enough, they’ll back down. When the tense atmosphere doesn’t shift, Namjoon sighs in defeat. 

“Fine. But I’m only going to give you just enough so that you see how dangerous she is. You don’t need to know everything.” Namjoon remains quiet for a long moment, gaze far off. “We knew each other when we were young. Like very young, less than 100. We had… another friend, Jaeho. He was a vampire too. We spent a lot of time together. She…” Namjoon looks like he’s about to cry and Yoongi reaches out to place his hand over Namjoon’s. Namjoon gives him a pained smile. “She drained him. Not enough to kill him, that would’ve been too kind. She drained him just enough to turn him feral. He ran to the nearest village and caused a rampage. The local werewolf clan put him down.” 

Namjoon lets out a bitter laugh. “That’s not even the worst fucking part. When I confronted her, she had the audacity to act like it wasn’t her fault. Then she ran. I hadn’t seen her since until we saw her at the cafe.”

The room is silent when Namjoon finishes his story. No one knows what to say, emotions high as everyone tries to pair this version of you with what they personally know. Yoongi swallows, squeezes Namjoon’s hand. He should be the primary focus right now, pained as he is at the relived memories.

“Thank you for telling us, Joon.”

Namjoon shrugs in indifference and pushes himself up. He looks tired. “I hope you see now why I said to stay away. She’ll cause you nothing but pain.” With that he leaves the room.

You regret being at this cafe already. The ominous text from Jin and Yoongi about wanting to meet here was enough to have you on edge. The fact that they messaged you together is further proof that you shouldn’t be here. As far as you knew, they didn’t know that the other was seeing you too. Which means that something made them talk about you. And nothing good seems like it can come from that. Just like how nothing good comes from this place. 

Your phone pings and you look down to see a text from Ari.

Ari: Someone just stopped by looking for you again? Said you were supposed to work today?

You frown. No one knew you were working tonight because you didn’t tell anyone. It was only written in the office on the calendar. And even so, you switched with Ari to have this meeting. Even more perplexing is the only people you can think of that would be looking for you there, are the ones who are going to be meeting you here very soon.

Ari: She said she’d catch you some other time. 

You’re even more confused by that. Who could possibly be looking for you right now? But your musings of your mystery person are interrupted by the seats around you being pulled out as Jin, Jungkook, Jimin, and Yoongi all take a seat. They all look tense and your heart feels like it’s in your throat. 

“Wow, you boys must be pretty desperate if you wanna have a go all together.” You attempt to joke but there’s no reaction. You clear your throat awkwardly. “Right, no jokes then, got it. Well, what did you call me here for if not that?”

“Why did you pull away from us like that?” Jungkook blurts. 

Jin smacks his arm. “You idiot, that’s not what we were going for.”

Jungkook glares at him. “I don’t care. I want to know.” He turns back to you, face set in determination. It makes guilt well up in you. “I want to know why. And don’t give me that you needed time shit, we all know that was a lie.”

You don’t think you can do this. You don’t know what they’ve come for, but whatever it is it’ll be painful. Your gaze darts around, looking for a way out. 

“Please…” Jungkook’s voice cracks. 

“You don’t need to answer that.” Yoongi shoots Jungkook a look when he goes to speak again. “That’s not why we came.”

You chew your lip, alarm bells ringing in your head. “Then why?”

“What happened between you and Namjoon?” 

You should’ve known this was coming. It was always bound to happen. There was no way they’d continue when being torn between you and Namjoon. They were bound to get too curious sooner or later. You give a shrug of feigned indifference. “We’ve crossed paths before. You know how it goes sometimes.”

None of them look like they buy it. “But what happened? I’ve never seen Joon act like that with anyone.” Yoongi presses.

“You can’t tell me you’ve never met someone you just didn’t like.” You can feel the panic rising. This isn’t good. 

“Yes, but not with him. He sees the best in everybody. Why are you different?” Jimin this time.

You shrug helplessly. “Must’ve caught him on a bad day then.”

“What happened when you were young?” Jin says, then freezes as his own words register.

You stare at him with wide eyes. How did he know when you knew Namjoon? You glance at the others and they’re all giving Jin a dirty look. They knew. They all knew. Namjoon must’ve finally broken down and told them what happened. You blink away tears that are suddenly threatening to spill. You don’t even know why they bothered to want to meet you then. To tell you in person how terrible you are? How they want nothing to do with you and wish they’d listened to Namjoon in the first place? You feel like you're going to be sick. 

You stand abruptly, your chair scraps against the concrete but you don’t hear it. You can’t hear anything over the sound of blood rushing in your ears. The boys all look concerned. And you can’t stand the thought of seeing their faces morphed with hate the way Namjoon’s was. The way it still is.  

You do what you do best, you run. 

Your days are rough after that, time blurs together as you try your hardest to keep it together. You hate how much the boys had managed to put themselves into your life, even after you tried to keep them at arm’s length. They slipped in and filled every little crack and crevice and you hadn’t even realized until it was too late. They were too rooted in your life to easily rip out. You hate how lonely you feel without one of them around. You get texts from them every so often. They take turns texting you; they all sit unread. You can’t even imagine what terrible things they might be saying. 

Ari has noticed the difference too. You’re at the club more than you used to be, even before you met the boys. But as much as you try to throw yourself into the club atmosphere, the people here just do nothing for you anymore. It’s a poor replacement for Jungkook’s adorable smile, Jin’s laugh, the way Jimin clung to whoever was closest, Yoongi’s quiet way of caring. You sometimes wonder how Yoongi would’ve fit in with the other 3 if they’d all known about each other before. Before you pushed them away. Before Namjoon told them and ruined whatever idea they had of you. It makes your heart ache.

You know you can’t blame him. But after all these years, it still hurts. You’re really not sure what to do. Your apartment is half packed, not that you usually travel with that much anyway. You seriously think moving will be best, but you just can’t force yourself to do it yet. You know Ari is fully capable of running this place though, if you were to go. And you’ve got the money to be able to stop back in when she needs it. Ari’s been dating a siren, she’ll have capable help around after you leave. And you can easily work remotely.

You stare at the wall of your office. You can feel the beat from the main part of the club. The joy it used to bring you feels like acid in your chest. You wish the night would hurry up so you could go home and curl up in Jungkook’s sweater. It doesn’t smell like him anymore but the small amount of comfort it brings is still there. You wish you could tell him that you understand why he wore it on long trips. 

You zone out until your closing bartender knocks at the door. You blink at him, a little startled that you don’t hear music anymore. You didn’t realize how much time had passed. He gives you a small smile and holds the cash drawer out to you. 

“Everything’s all cleaned up. You just gotta do the drawer.” 

You smile as you take it from him. “Thanks, D. You’re free to clock out and head home now.”

He thanks you and leaves. You set about finishing everything up, shutting the lights off and heading for the exit. You’re locking the door when you feel someone else in the small back lot with you. You’d assume it was Namjoon again, the scenario almost identical. Except when you focus a little more, you realize it’s not a vampire with you but a werewolf. 

Worse, you know this wolf. You whip around, keys clutched tightly in your hand as you search the shadows for her, heart beating wildly. This can’t be happening. Not now, not again. She doesn’t remain hidden for long, stepping out into the small pool of illumination from the sole light source in the alley lot. 

“Y/n. I finally caught you.” Her grin is malicious.

You swallow. “Taria.” You don’t know what else to say. You don’t know why she was here. You thought you were done with her after everything that happened. 

She pouts mockingly. “Aw, is that all you’ve got to say to me? We have so much to catch up on don’t you think?” She takes a step towards you and your back slams against the building as you try to keep as much distance between you, trapped. Fear claws at your throat, looks like Namjoon might not have to worry about you for too long. “Like how the fuck you’re still alive.”

Your mind races, dozens of half ideas forming before you discard them. There’s no way you can take her in a fight, you’re strong but werewolves far outpower you and you haven’t fed recently. Your gaze drops to her hands, covered in gloves and tucked into the sleeves of the turtleneck she wears. Fuck, how did she know to cover her skin. You can’t do anything helpful if you can’t touch her skin. 

She seems to be reading your assessment, adjusting the glove with a gleeful smirk. “Ah, yes. I know your little tricks, you whore. I’ve had lots of time to plan this out.” She starts walking slowly towards you. “You have no idea how thrilled I was when I heard your name again while visiting a friend here.”

Your gaze darts around the lot, empty and far too late for anyone to happen to pass by right now. You side step, trying to keep some distance between the two of you. She’s effectively trapped you here. She laughs.

“I should’ve finished you off to begin with. Who knew that little fucking vampire would be weak enough to just let you go.” She scoffs in disgust. “But it’s okay. I’m gonna have some fun now.”

You try to come up with a plan. There has to be something you can do. Something you can do to get out of here. Shaking your head, you push the memories of the past away. You can’t afford to think about them and the emotions that threaten to overwhelm you right now; you just need to get out of here. You know you can’t outrun her either. 

You’re going to have to fight her, at least a little bit. Enough to either incapacitate her or to get a way to touch her and knock her out. You should’ve taken more self defense classes. You know enough that while you can’t overpower her, you are definitely more agile than her and that will be your biggest strength here if you want to make it out of this. Sudden panic of what she might do to Namjoon for letting you go, for not taking care of her problem like she clearly planned for has you more worried for him than for you. You have to make it out of this. You have to lead her away from the city. If she’s too busy chasing you, then she’ll leave him alone. He’ll be safe.

With the vaguest plan possible, you tuck your keys away, shaking your hands out to prepare for her to make the first move. 

She wastes no time, lunging at you and you quickly duck under her arm, using her own momentum to push her face first into the wall you were just standing against. There’s a crunch. You dart a few steps away as she lets out a furious roar. She turns, eyes wild and glowing and blood dripping from her already healed nose. She comes for you again, this time low and you have no hope for dodging as her shoulder slams into your gut, knocking the breath from you as she forces you to the ground.

She rises to her knees above your prone form, fist connecting solidly to your jaw. You squirm beneath her, adrenaline pumping as you scramble for anything that might help as she lands another punch. Your hand finally finds a large chunk of loose concert, ripping it completely free even as the jagged edges tear at the skin of your fingers. You lift it, slamming it to the side of her head with all the supernatural strength you can possibly manage. 

She slumps off of you and you don’t even wait for her to fully fall before you’re flipping over and pushing yourself up to run. 

You make it two steps before your hair is grabbed and you’re pulled back against her once again. “Aw, you couldn’t possibly have thought it’d be that easy?”

Her other hand reaches up to wrap around your throat and you claw uselessly at her hand as she begins to constrict your breathing. You pull at her shirt, black ringing your vision when you get an idea. You tug frantically at the sleeve, trying to remain coordinated enough to pull her sleeve from her glove and expose the skin of her forearm. 

She seems to realize your plan because as soon as the sleeze is tugged free, she throws you to the ground, sending you sliding a few feet away from her. You gasp, trying to regain your breath as you shakily push yourself back to your feet. Your arm and thigh burn where the rough ground scrapped against you. You feel blood trickling down, leaving your side wet and sticky. Your throat feels raw and you can already tell there’s bruises there ringing it. Your cheek feels swollen and there’s something dripping down your cheek and you can’t tell if it’s blood from your skin splitting or tears. 

You can’t keep up for too long. Your body is already beginning to use your energy to heal and if you let it get too far then you’ll have no hope of getting away. Taria casually fixes her sleeve, the perfect picture of nonplussed aside from the blood that trickles from her nose and temple. She looks at you with disdain. 

You have no choice but move to the offensive. You have to try to do something to get the upper hand, to give you a chance to get away. You rush her. You have no idea what you hope to accomplish with this, but you’re getting desperate and out of ideas. She pushes you away easily, like swatting at a bug, and sends you sprawling onto your back once again. She steps up to you, giving you a good kick to the ribs before she leans over you. She reaches out to choke you again and you’re too tired to do more than feebly grab at her arms. 

You cough and gag, blood dripping from the corner of your mouth. You may as well give up. Your energy is basically at its end and she still looks completely unphased. You can’t do anything. Your vision is narrowing and you belatedly realize there is maybe one last thing you could do. Something that might save you, something that she forgot to cover. You steady yourself, gathering all of the power you can in you and quickly reach up to touch her face. She doesn’t seem to realize what’s happening right away but the second she does, it’s already too late. You release all your energy in one big burst and Taria instantly loses consciousness, collapsing on top of you.

You lie there for a moment beneath her, feeling a little delirious that it actually worked. Then panic because you don’t know how long it will work, you were nowhere near powered enough to do it for long. You manage to drag yourself out from beneath her, taking a moment to catch your breath once you’re upright before you’re quickly running away. 

[not-xpr-art]

Art Deep Dives #1 - The Value of Art ~

Hi everyone!

This is the start to another project I want to start on this account, a companion to my Art Advice tag, and each week or so I’ll be ‘deep diving’ into art history, arts & culture, society’s relationship to art, etc etc... (I basically want to make use of my history of art degree, and also because I genuinely love talking about this stuff... especially without the pressure of deadlines lol)

Side note: don’t worry about these being really ‘academic’ or ‘formal’, since neither of those things are in my vocabulary lol... this is a very casual, informal kind of ‘essay’ writing that I want to be accessible to everyone, regardless of how much you know about art! 

This first one is a kind of follow up of my Art Advice post talking about references, and I’ll be talking about the ideas of how we ‘value’ art.

(this is about 1600 words long by the way...)

The Value of Art

It’s no secret that art is highly subjective. Particularly when it comes to the question of ‘what is the most important type of art?’. It changes from person to person, country to country, and era to era. How we define ‘great art’ now is vastly different to how we defined it several hundred years ago. I mean, just look at the kinds of art in galleries in the modern era (Tracey Emin’s bed comes to mind) versus that of the 18th century (with the likes of Joshua Reynolds, JMW Turner and Thomas Gainsborough). Really, it’s clear to see that what we see as ‘the most important type of art’ is forever changing...

Or... is it?

In order to really answer whether the kinds of art we value now versus that of the past has changed, we need to first establish what ‘valued art’ even means. 

I think in today’s day and age, ‘value’ is often synonymous with ‘price’. So, a Banksy original chipped away from it’s original wall setting and having been sold at a Christies auction for £3.2million is, by this definition, what we as a society ‘value’ as art... Right? Or maybe ‘value’ is more to do with what kinds of works that are displayed in big galleries or public spaces? The Tate has an entire wing dedicated to the works of landscape/seascape painter JMW Turner, so surely that means that we today place a high ‘value’ on his work still? What about public sculpture? Architecture? Sculpture and architecture are often a lot more available for the general public, and even if most people wouldn’t be able to tell you who made the Statue of Liberty, they at least know about her and perhaps even enjoy to look at her? And surely the fame of buildings like the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal mean that they, too, are ‘valued’ as pieces of art? And what of artworks from other countries and cultures? A Chinese man may find no ‘value’ in a painting by a so-called ‘Great Master’ of the Italian Renaissance, but instead will ‘value’ a piece of Imperial Ming Dynasty porcelain instead, does that mean his opinion is the ‘right’ one? Colonialism has played heavily into what arts are now called ‘valuable’ and what are not, so how do we quantify whether a work has ‘value’ without placing our own individual cultural bias on it?

Basically what I’m getting at is, what we value as art in this day and age is very complicated, in a big way because our society is complicated. But for the sake of arguments, and for my next few points, I will be defining an art’s ‘value’ predominantly by whether it has been featured in a big gallery... Which also means I’ll be focusing on painting and sculpture... And also focusing on the Western world of art, specifically Europe, which I want to clarify doesn’t mean I personally ‘value’ that art more, it’s just where I’m from and predominantly what I studied in my course... 

Art historians often declare the Renaissance (around the 14th to 16th centuries) the ‘beginning’ of what we know as art today. But for this essay, I want to instead start a little before this, in the Early Medieval period. People often know of this era as ‘the dark ages’, in Europe at least, because it was after Rome had fallen and taken all their so-called ‘genius’ with them. A particular note for why for years we’ve seen this period as ‘regressive’ is through their art. A quick Google search of ‘Medieval baby’ will come up with a plethora of results for a wide range of paintings depicting babies (usually the baby Christ) as scaled down versions of adults, complete with receding hairlines and strangely buff arms and chests. 

Now, is this because medieval babies actually looked like this? I think this is... highly unlikely... I know most things happened earlier in that era than nowadays (girls getting married and pregnant at age 14, for example), but I think it’s a bit of a stretch to think their babies had six packs... No, instead it’s more likely that rather than being direct representations of babies, these were purely symbolic. And particularly given how they often were of Christ, art historians often say that the weird adult-baby hybrids are to represent Christ’s divinity. 

Now... What’s all this got to do with art and value? Well, the thing about early medieval art is that the value was almost entirely placed upon the symbology and meaning of a piece. Later in the medieval period, paintings began to become more ‘realistic’ to some extent, but it still for the most part stayed true to this idea of symbolism over representation. 

That is, until we get to the Renaissance and all of that gets thrown out of the window because artists want to be able to paint babies that actually look like babies, thank you very much! And with the likes of Leonardo da Vinci championing for art to become a science, surely this means that the kinds of art that was valued in this era were highly accurate portraits or landscapes... Right?

Short answer? No. 

Long answer? Well, portraits and landscapes had their place in the hierarchies of art. Portraits were often commissioned by wealthy patrons, and were basically ways of the artist showing off how good their portrait skills are. And landscapes were less important, more seen as ‘nice backgrounds’ than anything else. But the art that was highly valued by most wealthy patrons and art connoisseurs of the time was... (imagine a drum roll here please) 

History painting! These are basically big biblical or mythological scenes, often with a lot of figures doing a variety of things (think Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel), often with some pretty landscape as the backdrop, and often featuring a couple of portraits in the mix (including one of the patron who commissioned it, probably being blessed by the Virgin Mary, and a cheeky one of the artist peeking out from behind a bush or something...). From the Renaissance era up until basically the mid 19th century, History paintings were seen as the most important works of art to be featured in galleries. 

And really, things only really began to change when we reached the end of the 19th century, with the development of photography. 

Photography, and film, both lead to a massive shift in not only the kinds of art that are produced in the 20th century, but also the kinds of art that are valued. For so long art had been the main form of representation of society, and the advent of photographs meant that art had almost lost that ‘purpose’. Not to mention the leading towards a more secular society which no longer had a need for symbolic or spiritual artworks. 

So, the only place art could really go was to become a form of expression instead. The likes of artists like Picasso and Braque pioneering cubism, being about new ways of representing the world. The Surrealists delving into ideas of the subconscious. Pop-Artists like Warhol looking into media and consumerist society, and the list goes on... 

Which brings us onto my most hated period in the history of art: Conceptual art. 

I’m not going to go big into this period, which is still around today (unfortunately), but all you need to know is this twat Marcel Duchamp flipped a urinal (which he didn’t even make himself) upside down and called it a ‘fountain’ and shoved it into a gallery and thus art that has no value beyond it being ‘concept based’ was born. And yes, yes I hate it a lot (I’m not even trying to be objective about this, I hate conceptual art with a burning passion... some guy put some sh*t in a box and put it in a gallery & called it art and I am SO mad about it lol...). And as much as I hate this period, what it does signify is how art began to be valued not through the craftsmanship of the work itself, but instead the ideas. 

And this idea remains today. Damien Hirst has forged his entire art identity on creating works that are based entirely on some ‘meaning’ that could be forced onto it, rather than the aesthetic or material value. And as mentioned before, Tracey Emin’s infamous bed isn’t about the work and effort gone into the piece itself, but instead about what the artists intends for the piece to ‘mean’. So, the ‘value’ of the work is what it says, and not what it is, essentially. 

(This is not to say that there are no artists who work today that get featured in galleries and are highly skilled at their craft. The one that springs to mind is Grayson Perry, who’s well known for his pottery and tapestries with some kind of social commentary bled into them.)

This ideology around art also bleeds into online spaces of art (which I see as distinctly separate from the world of art galleries and the Turner prize). I still see artists, and non-artists, talking about how much they enjoy work that is ‘original’, and oftentimes ridiculing and demoting ‘fanart’ as purely ‘derivative’ or ‘unoriginal’. 

And all this brings us back to history paintings. Because their ‘value’ wasn’t just in the immense amount of skill that went into them. A large part of their ‘value’ was that artists and non-artists alike saw them as feats of the artist’s ‘genius’ or ‘imagination’ at play. And in the same way that Early Medieval art was valued for the symbology of the piece rather than the representation, history paintings had the benefit of including both elements. In essence, they were both meaningful AND beautiful. 

In conclusion (just to remind you that this is technically an essay lol), a lot about art HAS definitely changed in the last few hundred years, particularly in what kinds of art is getting made now (and why we make art in the first place). However, what we as a collective society ‘value’ as art has remained surprisingly the same, often with a heavy preference for a work’s meaning and symbology, which can sometimes overshadow the craftsmanship of the work itself. 

I still hate that godforsaken Duchamp toilet though...

(images used:

unknown medieval painting (I just liked that he had his hand down mary’s dress lool)

mona lisa by da vinky 

detail of the creation of adam on the sistine chapel by michelangelo

a photograph by louis daguerre, often known as the father of photography

*clenches fist* ‘fountain’ by marcel duchamp

‘my bed’ by tracey emin )

I hope you enjoyed this informal essay about art, I will definitely be doing more of these in the future! If you have any thoughts on this, feel free to reply to this or message me, etc! I love having open and frank conversations about art! 

[allthevmff]

Find Afrocurl’s work // AO3 // LJ  interview from vmfictitious // originally posted Mar. 20th, 2011

How did you get into Veronica Mars fandom?

Somewhere in the middle of S2, a friend of mine from high school started to talk about this show and how much I’d like it. At the general description of a high school detective, I borrowed her S1 DVDs and devoured the show in three days.  After that I started to discover fandom, mostly because I used Inigo’s transcripts to keep myself up with what the show was doing before I could watch live.

Shortly after starting the show, I had this job where I spent too much time in an office and was easily bored. I used a bunch of downtime to read fic and post in a message board (FanForum for anyone curious.)  When that job ended (thankfully) I had all of this spare time and just sort of fell into writing.

Were you an experienced writer when you started writing for VM?  If so, what kind of writing had you done, and/or what fandoms had you written for?   If not, was it really intimidating to post your first story?

I’m a little fuzzy on these details right now, but I wasn’t that experienced when I started writing in VM. I think I had a story or two written in The OC before I posted here, but I had some great support from a few friends (sarah_p //  Sarah's Crack ) for one was a big support) when I did post my first story.

What was it about Veronica Mars that interested you?  Why did you feel compelled to write for this particular show?

I really fell for the characters when I started to watch. Veronica was such a compelling character, and as I kept watching I fell more in love with Logan, too. I felt compelled in that post-S2 summer to see the relationship between Logan and Veronica explored (as so many other people did.)

Are you creative in other media for fandom (vidding, icons, etc.)?

I pick up making icons here and there, but I don’t think I have the same skill as many other people do. It’s a different creative medium, and one that I think stretches a different part of my brain.

What was the best moment for you, in fandom?  (Not necessarily a moment in the show, but fandom itself.)

I think it was the moment when I found myself in a position to go to all of these events around LA and San Diego. I found that people around LJ were interested as a result because there was something for people to enjoy that I had been able to capture.

If you had a magic wand, and could change VM fandom in any way, past or present, what would you do?

I wish S3 hadn’t been so divisive—it’s spoiled so many people on the show, and when you still love parts of it, but not all of it, it’s hard to stay positive around other people.

Of your accomplishments in fandom/cyberspace, which are you most proud of?

Weirdly, I think it’s little things I’ve done that bring a smile to my face. Sharing my time with the cast with others in any way. That’s not just the picspams when I went to an event, but these moments where I could get autographs or phone calls to other people. At different times, I’ve been able to make a friend’s birthday just a little brighter with a message from the cast (Sarah and another friend M.)

What’s your favorite VM episode and why?

I go back and forth on this answer all of the time, but I think it’s Ain’t No Magic Mountain High Enough. In part because it was the first episode I remember watching live, and also because I’m a sucker for banter between Logan and Veronica. That whole episode is filled with it, even if they aren’t together as a couple.

What’s your least favorite episode and why?

Blast from the Past—I just can’t get behind the mystery of the week, or what Jackie does to Veronica as a way to keep Wallace to herself.

How do you feel about season 3?

I’m a mixed bag on the subject. I think that the first arc has promise, though it didn’t do much to satisfy my need for Logan and Veronica in a healthy relationship. I’m not a fan of how Piz was introduced, or what his purpose was in the long run.

The Dean O’Dell arc lacks heart (and the Hearst rapist does too when I look at it), and the last five are just all over the place.

In total, I haven’t brought myself to rewatch the whole season since it aired, but I made a promise to myself at some point I would (I plan to live-blog all of the episodes, but I only managed to finish the first three.)

If you met Rob Thomas, what would you say to him?  (Assume that you have taken magical drugs that enable you to not be tongue-tied and you can completely speak your mind.)

I briefly met him and talked to him during season three, but if I could have a longer conversation, I’d really want to understand what his motives were for Logan and Veronica in that season. It seemed that the show always had Logan and Veronica together off screen so that the audience had no real reason to understand those later break-ups.

If you could talk to the writing staff, what question(s) would you have for them?

I’m always interested in some of the specifics of the room—are there any writers who cater to writing for certain characters? What characters do you like to write more than others? I think I’m just interested in their process more than anything else.

Writing

Which story of yours is your favorite, and why?

I’m really a fan of “The Black Hole” because I think it was a different sort of writing exercise for me. I also think I was really into the moment when I wrote it, and it shows. I can’t remember how long it took me to write, but I think it was a pretty quick write once I had the idea solidified in my head.

Are there any stories of yours that are (to your surprise) fan favorites?

Not really a surprise, but I love the reaction I had to Rational Thought. My Piz issues just got one big escape in that piece and everyone who read it had a similar reaction.

Do you (or did you at first) feel uncomfortable posting R or NC17 rated stories?

I think I was a bit apprehensive the first time (especially since it was my first fic in the fandom), but as I’ve written more and more of those fics, I’m more comfortable with the ways of writing it. I also love all of my betas who help me through the mechanics of writing it.

If you could start over and rewrite any of your stories (assume unlimited time and you would be paid for your efforts, because this is a fantasy), which story would you choose, and what changes would you make?

I’m not proud of Compulsion as it was written in the end, so I’d work there and really craft the narrative more than it is now. It’s not that it’s not beta-ed, but that it wasn’t really planned or structured beyond what is written. I think there was promise in the beginning and it floundered.

Do you write for any other fandoms?

I write here and there in a few other fandoms, but most of my work is in VM.  Some of the other shows are harder to get a feel for, so much that I don’t know if I have the character voices down.

Do you write any original works, and if so, can we see any of them?  Have you ever taken any writing classes?  Have you ever published anything? Won any competitions?

I wrote a few pieces of original fic, which are at my writing community. I haven’t been one to take a writing course, but in high school I had an award-winning poem at the local county fair.

That piece, I wrote was in my junior year of high school, spring semester (so let’s call is March 2000.) We had to write an emulation of Langston Hughes’s “I Am”, and I went all out—confused kid to the max. My teacher ate most of it up, and had me submit it to the Fair.  It went on to win the best poem for high schoolers, the best high school piece and Best in Show for all student work. I have three lovely ribbons, a paper weight to show for it.

What other VM author influenced you the most?  Do you have a favorite VM story (by another author)?

I spent most of my time reading things from Loveathons and Fic From Mars when I was reading, so I guess any of those authors. I really love dark_roast’s ( dark_roast) style. I think mutiousmuse and truemyth (TrueMyth) each have some amazing pieces, too. What’s great about being part of fandom is learning how much else you have in common with authors you love. I’m still friends with Musey and Truemyth after I met them at Comic Con in 2006.

Overall, I think my favorite story is Finite Erasure (TW), which puts me in the camp of loving angst. I worked with Trixx (Trixx) as she wrote it and I think I fell for the story she was telling and how much it hurt along the way.

What fanfic do you wish you’d had the idea for and written yourself?

If I had a mind for her particular brand of crazy, I’d have love to have written One True Pair, because the creativity and perspective amaze me.

Who are your favorite traditional authors?  Do you have a favorite book or series?

I love Oscar Wilde’s wit; I love Fitzgerald’s use of flawed characters. When I was in college I became a huge fan of Isaac Bashevis Singer. Sadly I’m not a huge book fan, though I do love words and compelling stories. Persuasion is one of my favorite stories, along with The Alchemist. I found myself more easily distracted by television as a kid and when I do get a book, I tend to read some fluffy chick-lit.

 Getting to Know You

To which character in VM do you feel you are the most similar, or what situation in VM reminds you of your own life?

Even though I don’t write her enough, I feel like I’m a slightly less tech-savvy version of Mac. I wasn’t one to have boyfriends in high school, and I think that just influences my outlook now.

Share a fun memory with us, something related to fandom.

This moment at an event in San Diego where my friends and I spent a good five minutes trying to remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote from Logan’s voicemail.

Or the time I had Jason write a message to my journal without him really knowing where it was going.

Dog person, cat person, neither or both?

Cat person! My cat Auric loves everyone he meets, and wants to keep me from my computer when I leave it open in his presence. He really loves to sit on my keyboard when I’m not around.

What was the happiest day in your life (that you can share with us)?

December 12, 2000—the day I got into college. I’m pretty lame most of the time.

The apocalypse is on us.  You’ve got five minutes to gather your stuff before you flee (assume that your loved ones are already safe).  What do you take?

This is going to be pretty typical, but my laptop, and external hard drives, so I’m not without my pictures. Maybe a few of my autographs and old-school photos too.

What don’t we know about you, that we should know?

I’m not nearly as interesting as I sound on the internet. ;)

 The Nuts and Bolts of Writing

Do you consider yourself a stickler for grammar, or do you prefer a more casual approach?  Specifically, serial comma: for or against?

I’m weirdly a stickler for grammar when I’m not the one writing. I’m usually for the serial comma, which I blame on years of it being grilled into my head from school.

What grammar issue do you constantly have to struggle with?

 Spelling—I’m horrible at it most of the time.

 Do you have any writing reference books you can’t live without?

 I have a few copies of writing guides tucked away in my garage, but I don’t regularly look at them when I’m writing.

Are you a plotter or a “pantser”? (Do you outline your stories or do you write “by the seat of your pants”?)

It really depends on the story. I have some basic idea of a fic when I start to write it, but there are times when I only know that general outline and other times when I have a better plan.

There’s one story that’s been buried on my computer that’s plotted more than anything else I write. There are notes on how each chapter should work, but I only did that because it was a true multi-chapter fic.

My other fics that have turned into WIPs are not as plotted as they should be.

 What’s your favorite point-of-view to write?

 I love third-person more than anything else. It gives you the flexibility to talk about more than one person in the context of the story.

What type of writing is your favorite to write (dialogue, plot, action, interior monologue, description, sex scene, etc.)?  Your least favorite?

Dialogue—no questions. I love banter as much as anyone else.

My least favorite—probably sex scenes. They’re awkward to figure out, positions, how clinical but not too clinical.

Do you listen to music while you write?  Do you listen to different music depending on what you’re writing?

I do, unless I’m watching TV. My music doesn’t change depending on what I write, though maybe it should. My poor iTunes has been known to be demonic when I read fic, though it doesn’t do that as often when I’m writing.

What inspires you to write?

 I like motivational moments that can drive a point home—so I tend to write shorter pieces that are about emotions instead of plot driven.

What blocks you from writing?

Lack of time. The inability to express what I’m looking for.

 Specifically for Afrocurl!

What surprised you the most about Jason Dohring in person (that you can share with us)?

He’s a genuinely sweet person who adores his fans and what they do for him. I’d never had too many experiences with actors before I met him and he set the stage for being kind to fans.

How is he like Logan?  How is he not like Logan?  Did he do anything that freaked you out after watching him on TV so much?

I think he has Logan’s physical ticks—hair rakes and the like.

 He’s not as precise with language as Logan. In person he’s sort of like any other California guy I’ve met.

Which story of yours would it appall you the most to find out that Jason had read?

The Weevil and Logan story. I think he’d blush and be shocked at the subject more than anything.

Which of your celebrity encounters thrilled you to death, but the rest of world could care less?

The girl who loves politics was thrilled by meeting Justice Scalia at my college. Though I’m sure I’m the only one who can appreciate it now.

We know you do a lot for charities.  Do you have anything coming up that we should know about, that you’d like us to support?

Since Sweet Charity has ended, I haven’t done much work for charity recently. I’ve been a little too busy with the rest of life to help out with the Queensland floods and the like.

What’s your dream job?

Working at a high school teaching either Government or US History, maybe AP if that’s an option.

Your life seems to be going through a lot of changes right now.  How do you see yourself ten years from now?...family, job, hobbies, etc., anything you want to share with us.

I’d love to have a stable job, with friends and family nearby for support. I can’t hope for much else than that right now.

 Find Afrocurl’s work // AO3 // LJ

Source: X

reposted from vmfictitious // originally published on Mar. 20th, 2011

[youarerageandserenity]

Borderlands Foam Wig Tutorial (Tyreen)

I was chatting with the lovely @void-noises-exe​ and it eventually circled around to offering to make a wig tutorial because you don’t see too terribly many, just thought I’d throw mine out ( especially because It was next to impossible to find good references of a foam version of Ty’s hair.) So this will be for foam wigs in general but Tyreen’s hair specifically (with a few pics of my Fiona wig from tales as well because they better accentuate my points) I didn’t plan on making this so I am missing a few pictures that might be helpful but here we go. This will not be short.

Supplies: 

-Craft foam (ideally, in small and XL sheets, but you can make do with whatever size you have available) 

- Spray paint as close to the BASE color of the wig you need (for Ty I used white, for Fiona a medium brown) ideally in a matte. 

- a FUCKLOAD of paints (i use cheap acrylics from the craft store ) in Black, and then several shades of the colors in the hair. (For Fiona i used i think four browns? Tyreens shaved sides have three browns, and the top had an additional yellow-brown i mixed) try to vary them in darkness levels to add depth.

- multiple paint brushes. I like to use around four or five of varying sizes and hardness levels.

- plenty Hot glue, and a hot glue gun (note: you COULD use other typres of adhesive, I like hot glue because its got great hold on foam, it sets FAST and worst case scenario I can take a hair dryer to it and melt it again if I need something to be undone.)

- scissors

- duct tape

-plastic wrap

-sharpie

-wig head

-Plenty of reference images

(optional supplies include a rotary cutter and or exacto-knife [trust me, itll make your life so much easier] ,  and patience. )

SO to start

1) Put your hair in a wig cap or however you plan on wearing it under your wig. Wrap your whole hair bit of your head in plastic wrap. Make sure you get over your ears and the baby hairs on your neck if you want to keep them. 

2) Wrap all the plastic covered bits in duct tape. This is easier for a friend to do on you, but not impossible to do alone, just make sure to get it all. It should be snug. Make sure you get as far down the back of your neck and down your sideburn area as you can. (Most characters have a bit of fringe hanging down in the back so its not the BIGGEST concern for them, but Ty’s got nada so you’re gonna want some good coverage for your hair line.) 

3) Take your sharpie and draw an outline of where your ear is, and along the hairline you’d like your wig to have. For short haired characters you dont want to cut too far behind the ear or your hair will peek out, so I like to underestimate how big my ear is and adjust as needed later. Dont make your wig hairline too high either, particularly if you’re making a wig for a character who has no fringe in the front. 

4) Take that bad boy off and cut along your outlines. Try it on again, adjust lines as needed. rinse and repeat. 

5) once you reach a semi-accurate mold of your head, you’re gonna wanna take it off and cut AT LEAST 4 (front, back, and both sides (I like to do 8, it will lay flatter) sections,coming to a point at the crown of your head. It should come out looking something like this. NOTE : they’re all still connected in the middle. If you’re doing 8, cut each of these 4 in half. )

6) Lay out your foam beneath this. If you dont have a piece of foam big enough to trace this bad boy onto, what I do is literally just break out the hot glue gun a bit early, glue a couple pieces together along the edges, until i get a nice big connected surface. Trace this guy on there as accurately as you can, cut it out, and then glue all your sides together. Now you should have a foam version of your duct tape hat. 

(Dont worry if the sides wont stay down, if you’re doing a character like Ty where thats an issue, we’ll get to that part later. ) 

7) (Optional but VERY helpful) Grab your wig head, and your duct tape head. Tape the duct tape back together and put something in it to make it hold shape, I use poly-fil. Tape the head-form to the wig head, and put your little foam cap on top of that. 

8)  Time to get creative. You’re gonna want to start from the bottom layers first. For Tyreen that’s the long fringe and her undercut. The strategy I decided on was to take a few large rectangular strips of foam, and lay them out everywhere I wanted the undercut to be and cut along the edges to match the hairline. I don’t have a picture of this exact point in the process but I have one from the beginning of the next step. Really the only thing to note at this point is obviously, your head is round and rectangles are not, for the curves where it sticks up along the edges, cut down where it sticks up in a little triangle and hot glue the ends together (you can sort of see this at the top left in the picture below). Dont worry about seams at this point, we’ll hide them later. 

9) This was not the case for Fiona who has very flat hair ( especially because of her hat) but Tyreen has a lot of volume especially towards the front of her head. For hair pieces that need volume, such as the ones that are glued down here, cut two of the exact same foam piece (i like to do them in little waves like the side, but also just a little arch is good for volume without flips such as the front piece) and glue the matching edges together. Make sure the hair triangle is facing the way youd like it to! Then Flatten out the top as much as you can, the bottom will keep the volume and the top ill be able to be covered by “2D” hair pieces. 

(NOTE: Honestly, it’s REALLY difficult to end up with an exact copy of cannon, and I ALLLLWAYS get carried away with the spikes. In the end, go by your reference images, but also follow your heart. Cosplay is half about having fun creating. )

10) Once youve started gluing, make sure to keep in mind where your part is (if you have one). For Fiona i didn’t trust myself so I glued in the hair at the part BEFORE anything, and left them ready to be glued down while I worked my way up to them. 

NOTE: All the hair at the parts of BOTH wigs is a single piece of foam.You want a nice wide base whenever possible to cover up the seams of all of the other edges of the hair. For your part, Carefully glue along the very end of your strip of foam and stick it down. It will be the last piece to be glueddown on top of everything else to make it look nice and clean. 

11) Slowly start working your way around the head, gluing down first anything that will need to be covered (3D pieces and bottom pieces) before getting towards the top where youll need to be more strategic about what is going down and what can cover your edges. I’d definitely recommend mixing 2D and 3D pieces if that’s something you want to experiment with, otherwise, such as in the pic below, it is possible to get volume from a 2D piece, simply by gluing it in a way where it wont lie flat against the head. 

12) in the picture above you can also catch a glimpse of Ty’s cow lick. Those are done exactly the same as our 3D pieces from before, only you trace the edges of the open end, and should end up with a triangular third side to be glued in, then just glue along the edges just like the hair part. 

13) Dont feel you have to overdo how many pieces the hair has, remember you may also paint in pieces and designs when it comes to the line-art! 

14) Once you’ve added everything from the bottom that you’d like to, go ahead and glue down your hair-part. 

15) So, obviously, I wasn’t a big fan of Tyreen’s undercut just being flat foam across half my head. So I took an exacto to it for what felt like years. REALLY over-do it on the edges, it’ll get rid of that harsh foam line and give it a little more of a natural blend. Also pay special attention to all of your seams in the foam. The more distressing there is there, the less youll be able to spot lines later. 

16) So once you have the overall structure of your wig and you’re thinking you might be happy with this, its spray paint time. (I’d recommend disposable gloves for this, you’re gonna need to maneuver it every which way to get the pain in every cranny and that paint does NOT like to come off easy.)  Theres really not much advice I can offer on it, just be patient, and do a couple layers, spray it from every angle and let it dry completely before moving on to the next step unless youre as impatient as I am and dont mind ruining a few paintbrushes. 

17) So, like the Fiona pic a few back or this one here, you should have a fairly flat evenly painted foam sculpture. Now is around the time you might start seeing all the inaccuracies in what you’ve made. You gotta push past that it’ll look great I promise. Time to get really creative. 

18) for Ty I started by painting the buzzed bits in a base brown, and started in on the line art and her roots while i waited for it to dry before going in with two more colors of brown for depth. 

19) For her roots I ended up using three colors. Black at the very bottom (which blends into the line art) a dark brown that matches more or less the buzz, and then after the fact, a custom yellowed-brown to blend better into the white and give us a little more texture. For this and the rest of the cel-shading in the hair, dab your brush before painting and try to mostly stick to light strokes in one direction (OR: if you have one, a particularly hard bristled paint brush does wonders for this) you don’t want the ends of your strokes to be too defined. 

20) Outline the edges of the hair and all prominent pieces, particularly the hot-glue seams, itll make them less noticable. (dont forget the little animation squiggles for Ty’s sides) and beyond that-- honestly, black out to your hearts content. These pics are from when I thought I’d finished. I really felt I’d over detailed. The next day I looked at a picture and realized there is always WAY more texture and outlining than I feel like I see. Honestly, you cant really over-do it, especially with fine solid black lines. 

21) The next day I came back at it with the yellowed-brown and LOTS more solid black lines. (Currently in the process of taming down where I got too excessive with the spikes on the side) 

22) Once it’s all dried, time to try on. Here’s where we address if you have a short haired character, and the edges of your wig just wont stay down -- invest in a little theatrical grade spirit gum. It’s not too terribly expensive, and unfortunately, I tried the cheaper halloween makeup kind, and it just wont hold how you need it too (and please for my sake, also make sure you get spirit gum remover) I took some hair gel (you could also use elmers glue) just to glue up as much of my hair as I could on the sides and the back of my neck to keep them from the spirit gum, and dabbed it along all of the prominent edges of the wig (namely, side and back) wait for it to get a little tacky and stick that MF-er down good. 

Aaaaand Voila??? 

Let me know if I missed any steps? Its fairly simple, once you get going -- just time consuming. 

[silveryfairy]

hey man if it's not too much trouble, could you give us a brief rundown of the Nocturnes? It's just, every morning I wake up and there's a new one, and I Care everyone in this establishment a lot though I don't really know them, thank you kindly have a nice day

let my preface this by saying: aayushi, i love you, and your enthusiasm and interest for the things i create never ceases to bring me joy. you are the kind of friend i think everyone should have and i say that completely genuinely outside of this bit.

i say that as an apology in advance for what i’m about to unleash upon you, because what you’re going to see is the product of my friend @himepapillon and i’s absolute BRAINROT and what comes of it when not only two people make an oc universe from scratch but what happens when we then have to explain that universe to other people

you are in no way required to retain this information as to be completely honest me and jeremie haven’t fully either and we’re the ones who MADE this shitshow. below is the shoddy family tree i lovingly crafted in ms paint

let us begin. 

for starters, i’ll specify some things:

1. not every oc on this chart is mine, as it’s a collaboration between me and jeremie - the koenig family and bishop family belong to faer but the rest is all me baby! for the sake of your soul i will only be going into my half of this Mess

2. the universe this takes place in is a pretty wacky and silly one, just, like, Slightly removed from reality. these characters are all completely batshit insane and do things that no human being probably should. it’s all portrayed critically, as the general concept of this whole thing is “the goings-on of a bunch of unhinged corrupt rich people”. we kind of flip flop on how seriously stuff is played but if i had to slap a genre on this it’d be, like, black comedy drama. i know a lot of these concepts sound kinda fucked to write but that’s just because i’m trying to describe them in a SOMEWHAT concise way without going into Super Introspective mode

the nocturnes are an incredibly influential and rich family in the uk that tends to produce very influential and rich people. they’re also all a little bit insane. the main characters of this Saga are the sons of desmond and xanthes, the family’s resident Power Couple and biggest figureheads. they suck ass but that will become apparent the second i talk about their children.

from oldest to youngest, the nocturne boys are:

ichor nocturne, 25 - the eldest, ichor was disowned from the household when he was 18 for unruly behavior, sent to live alone on a farm so he couldn’t tarnish his family’s image any further. since then, you’d think the isolation has driven him a bit mad - he’s a very prolific cotton farmer and has been doing astonishingly well for himself, running his farm on his own with only his parents’ inheritance as help. ...that, and, of course, the blood of the people he executes to keep his crops growing - or so he believes. he moonlights as an executioner in the small town over, exterminating the ‘pests’ of the city. despite his newfound violence, he still routinely checks in on his siblings, finding ways to mysteriously end up at their door to pay visits. the older brother instinct still hasn’t left

icarus nocturne, 23 - the second eldest (only by technicality, as he is a twin), icarus is the family’s golden child! but not in terms of business or anything, oh no - icarus is a famous heartthrob teen (sorta) musician! he’s been in the limelight since he was a little boy, being an actor as a small child and getting into music as he grew. his general Look(tm), accompanied by infectiously happy rave music, is a trademark cutesy mask over his face with oversized clothing - meant to express as much energy as possible as he bounces about the stage. in reality, he lives a life as forced and controlled as possible by virtue of... living the fucked up life of a child star. but his parents have someone to take the fall - so, what of his twin?

achilles nocturne, 23 - icarus’ younger twin, which wouldn’t mean much... in any family but this one. achilles has had it drilled into his head since the beginning that he was a mistake next to icarus, to the point where legally, he does not exist. following icarus beginning his career, achilles was unpersoned completely - living in the family’s basement with the height of his education being for a very specific purpose... needing to be icarus’ body double on tours and for paparazzi - after all, they can’t have icarus’ purity tainted by all those clamboring fans! it’s a godawful situation. on the bright side, though, achilles has found a hobby where he can be himself: twitch streaming! yes really. under the name of 1upanonymous, hidden under a mask just like his brother, achilles at least has a fanbase that can love him for who he is! ...uh, kind of.

tomasine “tommy” nocturne, 16 - the youngest of the bunch, and it says a lot about his siblings’ capabilities that he’s the technical heir to the nocturnes’ various businesses and fortune. tommy is just a feral 16 year old that doesn’t give two shits about any fame or fortune, he just wants to party and drink and have fun like any other kid his age! he’s rebellious, loud, and charmingly annoying (to his brothers anyway), and has no real care for the gravity of his family’s situations beyond finding it annoying that they want him to be all PRIM and PROPER and BUSINESSY EEWWWWW. he’s just a funny loud little child trying to live his best life. loves his brothers fiercely

already a mess of people. and really, all you need to know about or really keep in mind are those four: the upcoming characters are largely just side ones we came up with because we thought it’d be funny to flesh out this fucked up family more. so let’s get into the anatra branch of the family - headed by jael nocturne, xanthes’ brother and the siblings’ uncle

jael anatra-nocturne, who i am not giving an age for my own sanity trying to decipher this fucking timeline - a crude and playful uncle, jael is someone the nocturne boys either love (icarus, tommy) or hate (achilles, ichor). constantly joking, as he expresses affection with loving insults - kind of a money-driven asshole, but a lovable one - he’s a career politician and met his current husband, joaquin, on the job. or, well... no longer current, because jael’s funny life of debauchery, toxic masculinity, and making fun of his nephews, came to an abrupt end when he was assassinated on live television. yipes!

joaquin anatra-nocturne, who also does not get an age - jael’s former secretary and current widow, joaquin is the local wine uncle. im not sure if that’s a classification but it is now, because he is one. an unapologetic gold-digger, he (publicly) took jael’s death frighteningly well, and is now living his best life with a revolving door of new boyfriends. his relationship with jael was a genuine and very loving one, and joaquin IS devastated by his death, but both of them just found the bit of pretending to be this loveless gold digger/politician couple very funny, and being as suspicious as possible around his husband’s death is exactly what jael would have wanted joaquin to do

taddeo anatra-nocturne, 14 - the youngest child of these two, a shy little boy with big Child In A Horror Movie energies. makes potions in the backyard and probably decorates his clothes with animal bones n stuff when he’s older. despite this he’s pretty harmless, nice and fiercely loyal - tommy especially thinks he’s fun and likes to hang out with him at family gatherings - just so long as you look past the creepy dolls he likes to talk to and fires he likes to set. especially close with jael and wants to be a miniature version of him, buuut still being a shy tween taddeo hasn’t been able to act on that much.

dailon anatra-nocturne, 20 - the adopted second child of jael and joaquin, dailon is a moody and unstable delinquent that was snatched up by them just as he was about to age out of foster care. while he has a chill ‘cool-older-even-though-he’s-younger-cousin’ demeanor, the tension when he’s around his parents - jael specifically - can be cut with a knife. dailon hates his dad: ‘someone who expresses affection with insults and jokes and likes seeing people pissed at him’ and ‘someone who’s volatile, short-tempered, and sullen after living in a foster home most his life’ are just as bad of a combination as you’d expect. dailon gets himself into a lot of trouble, and is an overall very self-centered prick, but we’ll get more on that in a bit.

HELL FAMILY...2!!! that’s the last of the families to cover, buuuut there are still some other names on that list - mostly connected to dailon. this is REAL “just going on in the background” shit that you also do not need to know whatsoever (except for mitzi she’s pretty important she’s just down here for organization purposes) - i just like to play god and make characters get into drama.

[tw: cheating, unhealthy relationships, stalking]

mitzi “moon” altberg, 23 - achilles must feel very far away by now, but we’re back to him for a second! mitzi is his ex-girlfriend he met online, a fan-to-employee-to-lover and one of the maybe two people outside of the family achilles has shown his real face to. however, achilles growing up deeply unstable - between his parents’ abuse, having spotlights on him and adoring fans both as icarus’ body double and as a streamer, and in general not really growing up to be any kind of well developed human being - made this relationship a complete disaster. he grew obsessive and controlling - and when she tried to ignore him, he broke his one rule (to never go outside without permission) to find the hotel she was staying at in real life and show up to confront her. the incident was completely covered up, both by the nocturnes and with their connections, and so mitzi was forced to stay silent. this entire thing is based on this song! as time heals wounds, though, mitzi will end up doing pretty well for herself and putting achilles behind her - even getting a new boyfriend, jared!

reynard fiala, 20 - dailon’s (ex-)boyfriend, who he’s enraveled in his own weird soap opera subplot with. reynard is a relatively chill person, with an interest in art and taxidermy - just as morbid as dailon’s brother, but in a more. Normal way. genuinely a sweetheart who does not deserve what happens to them: getting cheated on with dailon’s best friend. yipes^2! while it's earth shattering in the moment, all reynard will really want to do come some time to process is to move on and for him and dailon both to heal in peace... far away from eachother (which is easier said than done since taddeo thinks reynard is super cool and loves having him over, the awkwardness between them and his brother be damned)

jared summers, 21 - the most normal person here. a longterm best friend of dailon’s, and yes, the very same one i just mentioned. he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer - what we in the industry would call a himbo if his dumbassery didn’t cause very real damage - who had been pining for dailon for years and him dating was no deterrent, and dailon, thinking the world revolves around him as he tends to do, accepted jared’s confession so they just kinda started dating on the side. jared has the moral backbone of a pool noodle, and even after it causes dailon’s relationship with reynard to fall apart, will need a wholeass intervention to be staged to make them both realize just how shitty they’re being. after that, though, jared will end that mess and be on his way to becoming a better person himself - with the help of a sweet girl he’s met online.

jared and mitzi dating in the future is the most contrived thing on the planet but just hear me out that it’ll be HILARIOUS for achilles to check in on his ex-girlfriend and find she’s dating his cousin’s best friend, who said cousin was apparently dating on the side. very small world, it is. 

anyway, thank you if you’ve somehow stuck around to read this entire thing - this isn’t even getting into jeremie’s half of this whole ordeal, which includes some of these fellas’ friends and partners, as well as more crazy rich people nonsense. it’s been very fun to think about and i do love it all dearly, even if putting it all together it’s SUCH a mess.

we don’t intend to make anything Legit out of this, it’s honestly just a fun way to pass the time. it’s the adult equivalent of playing dollhouse. in our minds this is like a 20 season soap opera but actually explaining it to other people it’s just like this

but thank you again for letting me babble i hope it was somewhat entertaining! and again, godspeed if you managed to read this much XD

[the-currian]

Spring Troupe Yandere Headcanons

Struggled a bit but had more fun writing these as I was able to churn out more ideas! Finally done with all troupes, yay~

((No Chikage because I’m only playing the English version of A3!))

Sakuya Sakuma

This boy had developed attachment issues since he spent most of his life moving from relative to relative. Is it so wrong that he wants to ensure that you’ll stay?

Generally quite lenient in terms of your freedom, because at the end of the day he’s yours and you’re his, right? That doesn’t mean that he isn’t without his quirks, though.

A bit of a stalker, but terribly obvious. In minutes, you notice him observing you from a distance. After calling him out and asking him what he’s doing, he comes up with the most ridiculous excuses. “Sakuya, what are you doing? Why are you following me?” “Ahaha, I-I’m not following you! I’m uhh…” his eyes dart back and forth. “I’m doing a street act! Mine and Masumi’s theme for our etude is posing as bodyguards!” “Uh huh.” you murmur, unconvinced. “And where’s Masumi?” Sakuya’s face reddens in embarrassment of being caught, but refuses to back down. “Darn, he’s just so good at acting! Playing the bodyguard that secretly hides in the shadows!”

He doesn’t want to cause you harm (emotionally or physically), but if you try to leave, he just can’t help it! He’s really sorry about the bruises on your wrist from gripping you too hard during that argument, okay?

(He’s not sorry about tackling that audience member that made a pass at you, though. That guy definitely deserved it.)

Terribly delusional. He can’t accept even the thought of you leaving him. His troupe mates have to explicitly tell him that what he’s doing isn’t normal in a healthy relationship for him to even think about how his actions affect you. At most it’s a fleeting thought, and he goes right back to his antics.

Masumi Usui

In the beginning, Masumi didn’t care much about you loving him – he already learned from his experience with the director. He was satisfied with just being around you.

You were acquaintances with Masumi, not too familiar with him, but noticed that he’d be in your general area sometimes, not-so-subtly staring in your direction.

You thought that it was cute to have him as an admirer, especially considering his usual aloof nature, so you decided to give him a chance.

His troupe mates are surprised when he introduces you as his partner. Some of them pull you aside, and explain that they didn’t mean anything ill towards you – they just wanted to let you know that Masumi could be a bit…much when it comes to showing his affection.

You thanked them for looking out for you, but you assured them that you could handle it.

But then again, you never expected it to be this bad.

It started out innocent enough – basically what his troupe mates had warned you about. Badgering you with DMs, getting easily jealous when you were around potential suitors, showering you with compliments…

…Until one day you noticed that things started escalating.

His normal jealous streak would turn into violently lashing out at people who touch you, even unintentionally.

He took it upon himself to delete all the information of people he wasn’t familiar with from your phone because if you never bothered to introduce them to him, they must not be that important to you, right?

Has a shrine of you filled with pictures from before you were even dating, some knickknacks from your house that you hadn’t even realized were missing, and is that the shirt that you’ve been looking for the past few weeks…?

Overly protective – it’s kind of laughable at times. You trip along the sidewalk? He’s fighting that rock that caused you harm. That dog startled you while you were walking down the road? Time to call animal control to take care of that mutt. Accidentally burned yourself while cooking? Never mind that meal, it belongs in the trash for hurting you like that – he’ll just get something delivered for you two and no you cannot be the one to place an order what if the delivery worker becomes infatuated with you?

Tsuzuru Minagi

Tsuzuru isn’t the most affectionate person when it comes to physical affection – maybe it’s because he gets enough of that when it comes to his younger siblings.

He’s a bit stumped about how to convey his feelings for you, so he decides he can do it best through his devotion to you.

He knows you like the back of your hand. Your past, your family, your address, your work address, etc.

He knows what meals you had that day, who you’ve been talking to, where you’ve been going, and other seemingly trivial things.

But they’re not trivial to him! Him knowing all those details about you is just proof of how much he loves you!

He’s very invested in your personal life, like the people that you love and hate.

Invested in your personal life like the people you love/hate.

For the people you love (platonically, of course!), he tries his best to make their lives easier. Credit card got rejected? Good thing Tsuzuru just so happened to be in the area – he’s got it covered. Missed out on class? Tsuzuru is there to lend them his notes! Have no company for tonight? Come over and join the two of you for dinner – Tsuzuru’s cooking! He’s like a reliable big brother to your loved ones. Lucky you, they think. What a catch Tsuzuru is!

But for those that you hate? He enlists Sakyo’s help. Bullies? Unbearable bosses? Snobby clients? Sakyo’s associates have it covered. Whatever will help Tsuzuru get focused enough to finish his scripts, Sakyo supposes.

Don’t forget though – he has a temper and a stubborn streak. When you prod a bit too much that it leads to an argument, he verbally lashes out. Just let him do what he wants! He’s doing it for you, after all! Can’t you just be grateful and not be too picky about the details?

Citron

Maybe you should’ve suspected his true nature when he first had a slip of the tongue.

“I’d kill for you.” “Uhhh… Citron, I think you mean ‘I’d die for you?’” “No no, I know what I said.”

But you just chalked it up to language barriers.

He isn’t particularly violent, but is very smothering.

Very protective and keeps you away from others not primarily because of jealousy, but because he’s paranoid that his pursuers will try to take you away from him. Extended sleepovers at your place are a regular occurrence, but it usually feels more like a lockdown – Citron is adamant that the two of you stay indoors and that no one visits.

Extremely affectionate, whether you like it or not. Forceful hugs and cuddles become a part of your daily routine with Citron. Also, one-sided conversations. He doesn’t mind you not participating when you’re not in the mood – he’s reassured by your mere presence.

Itaru Chigasaki

He acts extremely charming at first – his public prince persona demands it.

When you told him you’d accept him as he is, you meant his after-work gamer personality, but this was something else entirely.

Most definitely gaslights you, making you extremely paranoid. He’s king of gap moe, and is extremely hard to decipher at times.

For example, he’d tell you he’s been stalking you and other creepy insinuations, but when you start to look frightened, he tells you he’s just kidding. “It’s just a joke. You’re so cute with that look on your face.”

Usually backs you up onto a wall and does kabe-don if you don’t listen to him, but will tie you up if he’s particularly pissed.

“You know the rules… I just don’t understand why you insist on acting out so much.”

He’s painstakingly crafted both of your public images to be the perfect couple.

Obviously, you can’t go anywhere without him – can’t have you ruining that perfect couple image when he’s not around to monitor you, can he?

[whitherliliesbloom]

since they're going around, do you have any pregnancy headcanons for Illya? (you can delete this if it makes you feel uncomfortable, sorry!)

*Interrupts my butler au and nyooms to my inbox real fast*

SO I SEE YOU’VE CHOSEN DEATH. Placed under the cut because this is long. Seriously. I’ve broken the headcanons into sections. Some 5.3 spoilers under the birth section due to mentions of a certain someone. 

Realization and breaking the news to friends

Among their friends, Illya and Alphinaud are probably one of the last to get married but ironically, the first to have children. Because they’re the type of couple who has like 20 years of their future planned ahead of them. Communication is extremely important to them, and long before they even got married they’d already discussed having children.

Having a baby was on their ‘to-do’ list right after moving into a new home and also making sure the timing is right that no world ending threat might cause having a baby to become an inconvenience.

So when Illya starts to feel symptoms she honestly isn’t even surprised. She’s more ecstatic than anything. Given her experience with being a medic, she can also roughly tell apart her morning sickness from a common cold or food poisoning. She does go to a chirurgeon to double check though, and her suspicions are confirmed. 

She surprises Alphinaud with the news by sewing a tiny onesie version of his trademark suit and gifting it to him in a present box while he’s working.

Alphinaud planned for this but he still can’t help but feel his stomach do flips when he figures out what her gift means and he grabs her into a hug only to quickly pull away “ah- I should be careful from now on, I’m sorry!”

They tell the scions and they celebrate the news together. Krile offers to personally monitor Illya’s condition and Tataru won’t stop crying throughout the party. 

Illya travels back to the First and announces the news to her and Alphinaud’s friends of Norvrandt. Chai Nuzz was fortunate enough to stop his wife from crushing Illya in a hug by reminding her that she’s carrying a child. Dulia Chai is quickly reduced to tears when Illya gives her a handwritten letter from Alphinaud asking her to be the baby’s godmother. Ronitt offers to build Illya an automaton that would serve as an automatic baby walker but she refuses his offer. The pixies seem to already know Illya’s pregnant before she even tells them, most probably due to word from Feo Ul, who promptly scolds their darling sapling for keeping the news secret from them until now. Seto is horrified that Illya walked all the way to see him and gave her a flight back to the crystarium. Ryne is overjoyed and asks if she could be the baby’s big sister, to which Illya of course agrees. 

Though unfortunately, Krile asks Illya to refrain from traveling back to the first anymore especially during her late stages of pregnancy. They don’t know if the baby will be able to handle the travel well especially when it starts to develop a solid body and soul of its own. Illya explains this to her friends, and they all understand.. though Dulia Chai does request for a painting of the baby from Alphinaud after Illya gives birth. 

Before Illya could make the traverse back to visit her parents in their homeland, she is surprised by their visit. Alphinaud had apparently scheduled and prepared their voyage over to Eorzea to visit Illya as a surprise, and Illya can’t hold back her tears of joy. Cocona too, is reduced to tears but tries to hold it back. Lachlan is just jolly and excited to be a granddad and tells Alphinaud and Illya that he’s proud of them.

Cocona and Lachlan stay at their home for a few days and before they return to their farm, Lachlan crafts up a little baby stool with his carpentry skills.

During pregnancy / preparation

Even when pregnant, Illya is a workaholic. She’s absolutely forbidden from fighting but she still actively works her shifts at infirmaries and sneaks out once in a while to attend to injured soldiers. She also does chores, much to Alphinaud’s chagrin. Against his insistence, she still cleans the house and cooks their meals, but she leaves the heavyweight stuff to temporary helpers Alphinaud hires.

When the two aren’t working, they’re actively preparing for the baby’s arrival. Illya by sewing as many onesies, towels and beanies she possibly can.. and Alphinaud by buying an indescribable amount of supplies. They have a whole storage room dedicated to baby nappies, wipes, formula and food. He doesn’t listen to Illya’s scoldings. Surely a ceiling high worth of diaper packs isn’t enough. 

Illya’s a lot more picky about her diet and the 9 months she’s pregnant is the longest she goes without eating her signature black blossom peppers. Even she knows that it might be hazardous to her baby. Her weirdest craving consists of a stick of steamed celery dipped in Ishgardian tea. She’ll swear upon her life that it tasted good to her at the time. 

They also begin to prepare a room for the baby, Illya pasting glow-in-the-dark stickers of stars and birds on the ceiling and they paint the walls a bright baby blue with clouds together. They line the baby’s bed with layers of the best blankets Illya could afford to sew and plushies of themselves. There are plushies of the scions lining the shelves above the cabinet too. Of course, Illya has a ton of potted flowers in the room.

Of course, they begin baby-proofing the house too and Illya has to ask Alphinaud to get a lock fixed on the door of their armory. They have a personal aetheryte installed in their garden which only they and their trusted companions can attune to. Illya crafts a baby bracelet with a tiny aetheryte charm attached to it that she plans to give to her baby, so that she and Alphinaud could warp to their side at any thing. 

Alphinaud and Illya do A LOT of reading to prepare themselves, they’d often pour through hours and hours worth of information in order to educate themselves on what is best for their baby. 

Alphinaud loves pressing his ear against Illya’s belly and talking to the baby, and they both read a lot of books out loud. They often fall asleep on the couch together, wrapped in a blanket with Alphinaud’s head against her belly and her hand brushing his hair. 

Illya also sings lullabies to her tummy a lot, which inevitably ends with Alphinaud falling asleep on her lap. If she isn’t singing to her tummy, she’s humming while doing something else like knitting or reading. 

Illya takes a lot of walks and makes it a point to do light exercises even while pregnant. She was told that it’s good for expecting mothers to do so, for both the baby and to hopefully lessen labour pains. Alphinaud asks Illya to not do it unless she has somebody accompanying her but of course she doesn’t always listen. 

The baby’s first kick causes Illya to freeze completely in place and Alphinaud panics when he sees her just standing there. He nearly runs to  call the chirurgeon but Illya just stops and giggles as she stops him. “No, no. It’s okay. I just.. felt a little nudge.” Alphinaud drops to a knee and immediately presses his hand against her belly to feel yet another kick. And to say he’s over the moon would be an understatement. He scoops Illya up and kisses her forehead.

Word about the warrior of light’s pregnancy starts to get out and they are sent hampers containing gifts as well as a lot of congratulations fan letters. Some noteworthy gifts are a doman tea set along with a note that explains how it’s good for rejuvenating expecting mothers, tiny scarves and mittens with the Ishgardian emblem sewn on them, kupo nuts, medical supplies and flower bouquets from the elder seedseer herself. 

Alisaie often stops by to accompany Illya. ‘Accompany’ is just another word for babysitting, really. Alphinaud expresses worry for Illya’s insistence to keep working even while working and for once, Alisaie completely agrees with her brother. Illya’s not even allowed to hold a broom while Alisaie’s around. They also get several other visits from others.

When Rielle and Sidurgu visit her and Sidurgu is visibly awkward when he sees Illya dressed in maternal clothing and stuck on the couch under a disgruntled elezen woman’s watch. Usually when he meets Illya, she’s in a full suit of armor. 

Melkoko drops off lunchboxes on the front door and doesn’t extend her visit much out of fear of bothering Illya’s rest. Illya goes to visit Leveva, who unsurprisingly already foretold of Illya’s pregnancy and congratulates her by giving her a set of supplements she’d prepared before hand. Sylphie and Getty surround Illya and begin to bombard her with questions when she visits them at the conjurer’s guild. Redolent rose is too busy to visit Illya, but has his best set of baby sized berets sent over to her home. 

PLOT TWIST

When it came time to ask about the baby’s gender, they were about to go visit the chirurgeon when Krile stops them and notes that... there’s two separate aetheric bodies in Illya’s belly.

Y’shtola and the chirurgeon confirms it - they’re having twins. A boy and a girl.

Alphinaud’s panicking because he thinks the supplies he bought isn’t enough and Illya has to beg him not to order yet another 5 years worth of supplies. They compromise and go for 2. Their storage room still has a good amount of baby supplies even after the twins outgrow needing them.

They begin making preparations to welcome the second baby, with another baby cot, Illya crafts another set of baby clothing and a second aetheryte bracelet and of course, even more vigilant babysitting from Alisaie. They prep the nursery with even more plush toys, though Illya suggests that they save room so she can sew plushies of their babies afterwards too.

Illya’s belly really starts to expand and feels heavy as a result of her carrying twins and it’s difficult even for a workaholic for her to bring herself to walk for long periods. She’s stuck at home during the last two months of her pregnancy as a result. She sometimes vomits and loses her appetite, and at other times she eats a whole lot more than she usually does. 

Illya has difficulty sleeping, and suffers from back pain and when the babies stretch, she also feels slight pain in her ribs and it’s led to a lot of late night moments of panic from Alphinaud. She assures him that she’s fine though. Alphinaud gives her a lot of massages and brings her tea and snacks when she gets the munchies.

Alphinaud begins to work a lot harder and does lots of overtime on his work so that he can spend more time at home with Illya after she gives birth. 

They have a bit of trouble picking out names because they hadn’t exactly expected to get twins. But they eventually settle for Ipheion and Eulalie Leveilleur, both named after flowers.

IT’S BIRTH TIME

Illya’s water breaks while she’s baking cookies and she drops the tray of them onto the floor and sends Alphinaud running out of his office. He calls the linkpearl to the chirurgeon as calmly as he can and he seems to be cool as ice even when he’s carrying Illya out to the garden but Illya can tell from his arms that he’s shaking. Alphinaud’s read about this about a hundred times already but he still can’t shake how terrified he is now that he’s finally having to confront the process. 

Alphinaud refuses to leave Illya’s side for the entirety of her labor and even before that. By Krile and Alisaie’s request, he also calls them to inform them of Illya going into labour and they quickly rush over. 

He holds Illya’s hand and tells her that it’s okay and reassures her that she’s doing well. Her labour pains last significantly longer due to having twins. Illya’s pain tolerance is extremely high, but childbirth is on a completely different level and Alphinaud curses the twelve for not being able to do anything to lessen the pain for her.

Alphinaud wipes Illya’s sweat with a napkin and his throat grows parched from how much he talks to her.

The baby boy is the first to be delivered and Alphinaud is given the baby to hold, but he can’t bring himself to celebrate just yet. With his free hand, he continues holding Illya. By this point, they’re both thoroughly exhausted and Alphinaud’s hand is numb from how Illya squeezes him but they press on until she finally delivers the girl. 

Illya passes out for a brief moment but regains consciousness to find her two babies wrapped up in Alphinaud’s arms, and she can’t help but to burst into tears. They each carry one, and Alphinaud is speechless. He’s a man of much eloquence but even he can’t describe the sheer joy of what he’s feeling at the moment.

Alisaie also begins crying when she sees the infants for the first time but she’s not crying, she swears!! Krile checks on Illya’s vitals very very thoroughly and insists that Illya rest, which she does. She ends up sleeping for a good 10 hours until she wakes up and asks to hold her baby immediately. 

The scions visit the new parents one by one so as to not disturb them too much and all give their blessings to them and their newborn twins. Y’shtola in particular notes that their aetheric bodies are healthy and also surprisingly stronger than most newborns she’s seen. G’raha and Alisaie argue over who each of the babies resemble more. Tataru enters the room carting a trolley full of food and supplements for Illya to eat. No more cooking until she’s fully recovered - and she does mean fully. It’s the first time Illya agrees to finish her archon loaf. 

Alphinaud often falls asleep on the chair next to the bed with a baby against his chest. 

When they finally get to go home with the babies, they are almost by their babies’ sides 24/7.. not that it would be hard for them too especially with many sleepless nights and baby cries awaiting them. 

They celebrate the twins one month anniversary by inviting their friends over and they are given lots of gifts. Alphinaud asks Estinien to be their baby’s godfather. Estinien refuses.

The first time they bring the babies to the Rising Stones, everyone there just surrounds them and clamours to get a chance to hold the babies. 

Illya sews plushies of her twins and they now permanently reside next to plushie Illya and plushie Alphinaud