#over dramatic emo girl!Dream of the Endless

[humanvanillabean]

This scene was so slutty like the angles and the leather

THE SANDMAN | 01.04 A Hope in Hell

[oneboxofmatches]

Hi!!! May I request a HP romantic and friendship matchup on both eras? (Preferably male), thanks in advance! 💞

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦 + 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘

19, Libra, Neutral Good, enneagram is 4w5, Ravenclaw, and my patronus spirit is swan. Bi Pan Genderfluid girl using pronouns of She/Her or He/Him. A friend of mine told me that I (kinda) look like Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲 (a Netflix animated series), but the exception is I'm short (5'1.2") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has messy/wavy brunette medium hair, chocolate brown eyes, oriental skin and a small beauty mark on the forehead. My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam.

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

Distant and shy at first cause' I dunno how to initiate a conversation, but a total opposite if I open up---friendly, ambivert, witty, laughing loudly on a daily basis, talkative, awkward, daydreamer (I got embarrassed from knocking at the door even I'm inside the classroom 😂), EXTREMELY clumsy, secretly likes affection, easily overwhelmed, prone to melt over any wholesomeness, flusters on compliments, lightly blushes on cheesy banters, sarcastic person with a lowkey crackhead energy citing meme references, and talented girl who can be your no. 1 supporter and unashamed to be true to myself. In terms of leadership, I only educate and guide than being a prefect (I might take the role seriously), and will lift my group when there's lacking/incompleteness. About doing projects in school, I become too extra and prepared for efforts, but I'll forget the process in the end.

People thought I'm a demure self-effacing woman that looks "idealistic" or "one of a kind," (due to my protective parents, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, I'm eloquent, warm-hearted, willig to help, kind, intelligent, supportive, nice, creative, enthusiastic, determined, tough, competitive, and feisty outside, but a real softie that can be childish and dramatic crybaby filled with doubts, frustrations, and insecurities with fear of failure that pushes off the limits to to please everyone, yet I still managed to be stronger than ever, even it's a slow burn process. I can be intimidating, sassy, and a douchebag if I receive ends. Immature, headstrong, perfectionist, demanding, hesitant, jumpy, very indecisive, overthinker, quick-tempered, sensitive, and anxious (no joke, my nervousness makes me think worse scenario will arrive or I might break a belonging due to my carelessness). Though can be procrastinator and arrogant, I raised as a religious 𝖺𝗇𝖽 diplomatic person, willing to fight what I believe (including my dreams) 𝖺𝗇𝖽 what is right. In addition, I have a habit of staying up late and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness.

Blunt but the loudest idiotic feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will act like a silent backstabber on people that we loathe, will crack up over your stupid antics before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic who tends to banter with sarcasms or pick up lines as an endearment (but gets grumpy if I received sappy or offensive one), still generous and concerned in a subtle way.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦

My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. 𝖨'𝗅𝗅 𝗂𝗇��𝗅𝗎𝖽𝖾 making corniest jokes/puns, 𝗌𝗅𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗂𝗇𝗀, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD).

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Loves kittens, eating a lot, cartoons, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and writings, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well.

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Things that I hate are stereotyping, HUGE creepy crawlies (spiders, toads, snakes, and cockroaches), firecracker sounds, being left out, loneliness, heart break, blackout, and judgemental people. One random fact about me is, I 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 vent out EVERYTHING I despise in my entire existence---from bad soap operas to toxicity and worse scenarios in real life, because it's a big deal for me, and I consider forcing me to do what I'm not into and manipulating me as my major pet peeves.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥𝗦

In terms of triggers...I only have two which are ta𝖨king about divorce/annullment/separation because I came from a generational broken family and religion/beliefs discrimination, cause' there are reasonings that doesn't makes sense because some are too hypocritical.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗔

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, and oratorical skills...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader). Currently an incoming college freshman, learning how to cook and have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

Thank you so, so much for requesting! I had a lot of fun with this one (as you can tell by some of the really long answers lol) and I hope you enjoy!!

In the Golden Trio era, I romantically pair you with…

CEDRIC DIGGORY

One of the most beautiful things about Cedric is that although he may show some introverted tendencies, he still manages to have a natural gift for connecting to others and allowing them to feel comfortable enough to open up. Really, your initial distance and shyness don't last nearly as long towards Cedric as they would with most other people.

Hearing your laughter brings the widest, cheesiest grin to Cedric’s face. Not only does he adore seeing you happy, but he also recognizes that your anxiety, insecurities, and strong emotions can sometimes cloud up your demeanor. Therefore, it brings him comfort knowing that (for the moment) you’re finding joy. He thrives when you thrive!

However, as much as he loves seeing your more energetic and happier self, it goes without saying that he’s the best comfort for when you’re not having the best day.

Cedric is an excellent listener, so he’ll most likely let you talk without interruption for as long as you need before even saying a word. He wants to make sure he truly understands your current state before acting. He may take a few seconds to process everything after you finish speaking, but then he’ll help you tackle whatever problems you’re facing. He’s especially talented at giving words of affirmation.

Cedric’s listening also comes in handy whenever you talk about your interests! He genuinely loves hearing about the things you’re interested in solely for the fact that you’re interested in them. Side note: you can count on him to be at any music performances, pageants, etc. you may have -- this guy is truly your #1 supporter.

Cedric’s a very good student (though I suspect he’s somewhat of a procrastinator himself), so I can also see you two supporting each other through schoolwork and celebrating each other’s successes.

Like you, Cedric has a strong urge to do the right thing. Talking to him about social issues stirs up a need to help, and I could see you two doing volunteer work together in your spare time.

I like to believe one of Cedric’s biggest love languages is quality time. Don’t get me wrong, this guy loves staying involved and busy. But taking a couple hours to be with you in small ways (even if that means just being in the same room while you scroll through social media) gives him a nice balance.

Overall, this kind boy will be there unwaveringly through the bad times and will laugh just as loud as you through the good!

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

LUNA LOVEGOOD

You wanna talk about the best conversations, relentless support, and overall the most wholesome friendship you could ask for? Luna’s your girl.

Being unashamed to be true to yourself is one of the biggest reasons why Luna is so drawn to you. While she’s very friendly and insightful towards everyone she meets, it can get a bit repetitive for her to constantly interact with people who try to shelter their unique characteristics from the world. In her mind, these unique characteristics are what make people so fascinating! Why should anyone hide who they are?

Luna’s creativity is endless, and I can see it blending well with yours. Collaborating on a personal project outside of school (ex: novel, blog, etc.) together is definitely something I could see you two doing.

Speaking of creativity, finding creative solutions to everyday problems (both in school and in life) is your specialty as friends.

Admittedly, Luna isn’t usually drawn to louder individuals. However, the complexity behind your personality makes it easier for her to know you are much more than what meets the eye.

Speaking of, Luna has a difficult time standing up for herself -- whether it’s because she doesn’t feel a need to or she just doesn’t recognize the meaning behind certain phrases. She NEEDS a friend like you to stand up for her sometimes, and I know you wouldn’t hesitate!

Ranting to Luna is therapeutic to say the least. While her aloofness at times may make it seem as if she isn’t fully paying attention, that couldn’t be further from the truth. She’s actually catching every word, and once you’re done she’ll leave you with a philosophical solution that may seem borderline insane/irrelevant when you first hear it, but it strangely makes sense.

Overall, the lack of judgment from either of you is what draws you together. As a result, you build a unique bond that couldn’t be broken even if either of you wanted it to.

In the Marauders era, I romantically pair you with…

REMUS LUPIN

Let’s be honest, it would take you two so long to ask each other out. You were probably already really close friends, but the insecurities and “what if?” questions from both of you delayed an actual relationship.

When you finally started dating, you were both so relieved. You still share a laugh at how almost nothing changed in the way you interacted with each other.

While with mutual friends, Remus sometimes likes to sit back and just watch you, especially when you get really talkative because this is when you become the most expressive. He has the softest smile when you’re actively cracking jokes, discussing something you’re passionate about, or even calling someone out. Sometimes you may be too distracted to notice, but other times you’ll catch him.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.” (While that same soft smile never leaves his face.)

You both hold really high standards for yourself in terms of school, so expect late-night study/work sessions to be your best bet for quality time.

Though the occasional instance of walking through/lying on the grounds becomes a favorite for both of you.

Remus listens when you’re particularly struggling through anxiety or strong emotions, but he has to consciously stop himself from interrupting because he can’t stand how he feels knowing you’re going through a tough time.

All he wants to do is soothe you during these moments. If you’re comfortable, he’ll hold you while speaking to you in a soft voice. Remus, the intellectual that he is, is also your best chance at finding a reasonable solution. So if you're not in the mood for calming words, he's also a great person to turn to for answers.

As for your ambitions, no matter what you choose to pursue, you already know Remus is going to be your biggest source of support every step of the way. He’s more than happy to help in any way he can!

Overall, Remus appreciates you, and he’s always going to make sure you know it.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

LILY EVANS

Lily especially connects to you because you manage to be determined, competitive, and intelligent without sacrificing your kindness, which is something she can relate to.

You and Lily are the C.E.O.s of doing the right thing. Neither of you hesitates to back the other up when it comes to confronting someone because you know it’s justified.

As perceptive as Lily is, you never need to tell her when something is bothering you. All it takes is a quick glance before she puts whatever she’s doing on hold to check in with you.

The reverse works as well. Typically, Lily really doesn’t internally struggle too much, and when she does she tries to hide it. You’re one of the only people who can see right through whatever she tries to pull.

The constant banter between you two is unmatched, but you both know it's because you really care about each other.

Overall, you and Lily have each other’s backs through anything, even when the other isn’t actively asking for help.

[sooghostwriter]

The Bee and the Fly

Pairings: Do Kyung Soo x OC

Genre: Mature,  Romance, AU, childhood friends, fluff, a tiny bit of angst because being a teenager is hard. 

Summary: Kyung Soo and Eunji have been friends since always. Growing up together, finding themselves, following their dreams. 

Part 1: Growing up. 

Everybody called him Bee since he was five. Everybody called her Fly since she was four.

Kyung Soo got that nickname because he was cute and tiny like a bee and if he wasn’t eating he was always doing something. Helping his mom, playing with his dad or watching TV with his brother. But most of the time he was playing with her.

Eunji got that nickname because she had big eyes and she was everywhere. Not gossiping or being noisy but watching. Since then she was always interested in watching and hearing. Learn from the way adults behave. What they did, why they did it. She wasn’t nosy, but she always asked when she didn’t understand something.

She didn’t have a single childhood memory without Kyung Soo.

In the memory where she broke her right arm, Kyung Soo was calling his mom for help and grabbing her other hand, cleaning her tears and telling her it was going to be ok.

On her birthday she wouldn’t blow the candles if he wasn’t sitting next to her. And if Kyung Soo liked one of her gifts, she would give it to him.  

Movies at her place. Games at his. Summer afternoons at the park. Winter afternoons at the food market close to their house. New year’s together looking at the fireworks. Kyung Soo would cover her ears and she would never let go of his hand because he had a special talent to get lost in the crowd. Christmas where she would fight every kid who insisted on telling him that Santa didn’t exist.

Her entire childhood she had this constant presence next to her that was able to tone down any fear. His cuteness always gave her a sense of trust. If he said that everything was going to be alright, it was because it was going to be alright.

On her first day at school, Kyung Soo was grabbing her hand and taking her to her classroom, acting as a mediator so she could talk with her new classmates and checking on her every hour through the door. She didn’t acknowledge his presence because she wanted to look brave and secure in his eyes. Not as if she was looking at the door all the time to see him and get that short burst of relief. By the end of the day, he congratulated her on how brave she was, and she felt like twirling around in joy.

On school days she would have breakfast at his house since his dad would drive them to school. Kyung Soo would have dinner at hers, since his mom and dad would arrive late from work.

They were friends, their families were friends. A big family of seven.

They went to the same school. And although he was one grade higher, it was as if they were classmates.

Their parents always commented on how weird it was that such different kids could get along so well. Because they were.

She preferred solitude and he always had friends around. They loved him. She had a handful of friends, and it included her mom and Kyung Soo.

She had good grades and Kyung Soo always did just enough. He just didn’t like school. At home, she had the habit of studying, but he preferred to occupy himself with his acrylics.

That was one of her memories too. Kyung Soo painting, Kyung Soo drawing, Kyung Soo making cute animals with his Play-Doh. Everybody was always in awe of his talent.

She was the ‘smart one’. Her parents always bragged about how she learned to read and write in pre-school. How eloquent she was. How imaginative she was when playing with her dolls.

By the time he was seven, Kyung Soo’s path was very clear. He was going to be an artist.

By the time she was six, Eunji’s path was very clear. She was going to be a writer. She only told Kyung Soo though, scared that people would make fun of her. She has always been afraid that no one would understand, so she always kept everything for herself. She wanted to write books like the ones she read at that short age. Stories about animals making friends with kids, or travels through dreamlike places.

When she had issues socializing, Kyung Soo was there. First day at school or games at the park. Despite being in a different class, he was there with her at least during one recess of the day, and at lunchtime, he always sat with her. When the mean girl from school asked them if they were dating, they both answered no. When she asked if they liked each other they both answered yes. She looked at him giggling and he giggled back. They were in first and second grade, young and innocent enough to think that liking was a friendship thing. Of course she liked him. He was one of the few people she enjoyed spending time with. He was calm when needed or an endless resource of fun. They knew each other since always, of course she liked him. As she liked her mom and dad. Philia love was the name. She read it once in a book.

It was a common childhood story. That typical story where they were each other’s first kiss. Of course they completely forgot about it, but his mom had an adorable picture of Kyung Soo sitting in the swing as she grabbed his round face and kissed him. There was a second picture with her still holding his face and they were both laughing. She saw the pictures again a lot later when she was seventeen. As soon as she saw it, she felt so much jealousy. She was so jealous of the Eunji from the picture. She was fearless.

That’s how their first decade of life went by. 

 She remembered quite clearly when in middle school they began to part from each other. There wasn’t a specific moment, at least she didn’t remember one, but it was around that age that they began to change. She began taking English classes every other afternoon after class, so they didn’t walk home together anymore. She also made a new group of friends there, and they would often meet on Saturdays for food and games. Especially with Junmyeon.

She never introduced them to Kyung Soo. These were her friends. And they were all obsessed with Harry Potter, and they read Stephen King behind their parents backs and they listened to cringy emo music. Things that were of her interest, not his.

Kyung Soo went through some changes too. His brother went to do his service, so he grew more attached to his friends and his parents. The art club of the school got quite popular too, so they were always away during the weekends at local art fairs showing their work with other schools from around the country.

He stopped coming to her house for movies or dinner. She asked him once why he did “My mom works closer to home now, so she can come home early enough to cook for us…and I guess we are ok like this, watching movies with our friends and not ourselves” She nodded in understanding. She thought the same. Kyung Soo always liked to watch dramatic movies, meanwhile, she enjoyed stupid comedies. She liked her drama in books, not in movies. After that she walked home and didn’t think about it for a while until her head hit the pillow, and a horrible melancholy took over her. Now, much older, she knew what that feeling meant, that night she was unable to understand the pain in her chest.

Everything changed. It was as if now they were only classmates, not friends anymore.

They were a set when kids and now they grew apart. It was normal, and she wouldn’t have to change it, she was having fun. Her group of friends was small, but she felt included and she achieved that all by herself. But there were days when she missed him desperately. Or maybe she just missed the simpler days.

When he got into high school things changed again. That summer she began dating Junmyeon, her friend from English class, her right hand, and accomplice in every fun quest they had with their group of friends.

Kyung Soo began dating one of his classmates. He was always very popular between the female students, so she wasn’t surprised. She wasn’t a huge fan of hers, but if Kyung Soo liked her, IT was good enough. They were still in that plateau face of their friendship. 

Highschool brought them a bit closer. Now they had the same teachers so that always gave them fresh gossip to talk about, but that was pretty much all. Junmyeon became the Kyung Soo of her present. He would visit her on Sunday before lunch and would sit on her bed watching some anime as she was finishing one of her stories for the writing club. Then he would read it and tell her if it was easy to understand.

Sometimes Kyung Soo would come over to bring something to her mother or father. He would stay around for a little while. They would talk about their respective partners. His relationship wasn’t going very well. Hers was good and she was having a lot of fun with Junmyeon. He always told her that he was happy for her. He was relieved that she found someone like him. 

“And if he does something to you, I have a sock and a can ready for him” He wasn’t joking, she knew it. Kyung Soo never shied away from violence when it came to protecting his friends, if she still was that. 

“Thanks, just don’t aim for the face, it would be a terrible loss” 

Then they would laugh about something and then he would leave. At school they didn’t speak at all during the breaks because Kyung Soo split those moments between his friends and his girlfriend. During lunch, they didn’t sit together anymore, but whenever he didn’t eat his dessert, he would give it to her.

When Kyung Soo was in 12th grade he went through other changes. He broke up with his girlfriend and began focusing on his studies since he made the decision of entering a good university to study art. The art club at school wasn’t enough for him so he began attending different workshops. She knew all these through her gossiping mom.  

 That same year, she went through some big changes too. Not her, but her surroundings. One afternoon her parents gave her the news that they were getting a divorce and her dad was moving out of the house. The relationship between the two of them hasn't been the same in the last two years. They weren’t a couple that fought a lot, but the silence sometimes was unbearable. She wished she could break the tension by breaking a plate or smashing the door close. Shouting at each other and ignoring each other had the same amount of violence and it anguished her to the bones.  So, the news of her parents gave her some relief.  They were doing what was better for them. But the uncertainty terrified her. Not knowing how her relationship with her father would be from now on. Would they date other people and get married again? Was she going to have brothers or sisters in the near future? Where would her dad live? Who would cook for him?

He left immediately that night. He hugged his soon to be ex-wife and then hugged her. She jolted when he cradled in his arms. It felt as if he was cutting some ties with her too. Not all of them, but she knew that starting from there, her dad wasn’t going to be part of her everyday life.

He closed the door behind him, and she and her mom stayed seated for a long time in complete silence. She could hear her mom’s brain trying to find the right words, something that they hadn’t told her before to console her, but she couldn’t. How could she? She was the one that had run out of love for that man, but Eunji didn’t. She still loved her dad, but he left anyway.

She wasn’t mad towards either of them. She wasn’t disappointed or scared. She was sad. Just sad. For the three of them. She told this to her mom, but she didn’t seem to quite get it, so she just went to her room, running away from that charged room. All of her life she dealt with her emotions alone. Mostly because she never felt strongly about anything. She was never too angry, too sad, too happy. She never built up any emotion, because as the emotion was developing inside of her, she exorcised it through her writing.  Now she didn’t have the time to write, the sadness had already grown in her chest and it expanded to her neck, choking her with tears.

Eunji stood in the middle of her room and walked slowly to her bed. She felt like hiding there, under the covers and wait until her chest felt normal again. She still felt the strong grip of her father’s arms and it made her feel worse “Eunji, open” She heard a voice at her door. A voice that with the years had changed and it wasn’t as familiar as before. But the emotive notes of that voice were still the same. Worry. Worry because his friend was in pain.

It was Kyung Soo.

She didn’t know why he was there, but she didn’t care either. She needed him now. He could take care of the sadness in her chest. He always did. He always took the pain away. She opened the door with desperate hands and met his worried face. 

“Let me in, my mom told me what happened” It was a mixture of an order and a plea. He went in, standing in the same place where she was before. 

“How bad are you?” He asked, rubbing his hands nervously. 

“Very bad, I feel terrible Kyung Soo”

“Eunji, I’m so sorry Eunji” He walked to her and pulled her to him wrapping his arms around her. His embrace was warm and protective as always, but bigger than she remembered. His arms felt solid, but still gave her the space to breathe. He kept repeating how sorry he was as if any of this was his fault. Her world had stopped in its axis and nothing moved around her, or inside of her, only her rattling heart. His long hug took away some boiling hurtful feelings for a long while although there was no concept of time there. She pressed into his body searching for more warmth and his arms helped her doing so. He caressed the back of her head and moved her to the bed so they could sit. She just followed him, not even considering the idea of releasing him.

She didn’t say anything. If he knew what was going on, he didn’t need explanations. He also remained silent, but his hug never lost strength. After some long minutes he spoke, his voice soft and sweet “Everything is going to get better, and it will be alright”

“Really? I mean I know it will, but now I can’t find the positivity to think  like that, so say that again” He laughed dryly against her shoulder and repeated himself. 

She let him go when he said it for the third time as if it was a spell. Her hands went to her sides, but he held her from the shoulders as she could collapse. 

“Thank you for coming,  I don’t know what would I have done without you” He rubbed her shoulders making her look up at him. 

“Eunji, it doesn’t matter what happens with us or between us,  but I  will always be there for you, especially when crappy things happen to you” There was a soft glimmer in his eyes, a sweet severity that tried to convey what he was promising. 

And she wished strongly in her heart that this was a real promise. That this was more meaningful than cutting your finger and rubbing it with your friend’s cut finger. A spoken  pact instead of a blood pact. She thanked him again and hugged him because it was their only language for now. He answered the hug but it didn’t feel like the supportive hug from before. It was the signature of the pact. 

“What we have…can’t compare, it’s forever” He whispered against her ear, and at that time she didn’t question it. She didn’t obsess over the meaning of that phrase, because the meaning was clear to her.

Philia.

She didn’t know if she said it out loud or not, but she didn’t get an answer from him.

The days after her parents’ divorce were tough. Her mom was clearly affected but acted like she didn’t care, putting way too much attention on what she did or didn’t do. She wasn’t really used to that and by the fifth time, Eunji stopped her. She didn’t shout at her mom, she spoke to her very calmly, which to her surprise, angered her mom even more.

Kyung Soo didn’t come to visit her again. The feeling of his hug visited her quite often during the day, especially when things got complicated at home. At school, he would sit next to her at the library during lunch break and ask her how things were going. She always answered with a hopeful better.  

“Really?” He always  followed up. 

“Yeah, I’m trying to get used to it, I miss my dad a lot, and I still don’t know what is going to happen”

“With what?”

“My family, my mom, and dad…In less than two years I could move to Seoul to study. What's going to happen with my mom? She can’t stay alone, and now who is taking care of my dad? He can’t cook, he can’t wash his clothes, my mom and I spoiled him like a child” Kyung Soo grabbed her hand under the table and squeezed it tenderly. 

“You can worry, but there is nothing you can do, you can’t stop living your life, you can’t not study because of your mom, and your dad…he is an adult, he can learn how to cook, he has a mother who can take care of his meals, you will take care of them when they are old, but now they are perfectly capable adults who can take care of themselves” Kyung Soo always had that power. He wasn’t a man of a lot of words, ever. Because he didn’t fill the silence with shallow words and didn’t give opinions when nobody asked him. When he spoke it was because he had something to say. And he was always accurate. 

“I don’t think I can do that”

“I know, you always worry too much about the people you love…and I’m not saying you should change that, that’s a beautiful thing, but you should always be the priority”

“So I should go on with my life?” He nodded. 

“I talk with my dad every day and he is managing”

“See, things aren’t that bad, it’s going to take a while to get used to it I guess, but this is not your problem, the most you can do is support them” She wanted to thank him for his words but the ring of the bell ate her words. He released her hand, cursing loudly. He explained to her in a hurry about forgetting to ask for the book he needed for the next class and went to talk with the librarian. She left in a hurry too, but before her class started, she made sure to text him a simple thank you. He answered with a smiley face.

When she expressed these same worries to her boyfriend, his answer wasn’t the same. He just didn’t know what to say. Junmyeon did his best to support her and understand her. But his young self wasn’t ready to deal with a slightly depressed girlfriend. She didn’t blame him. Their relationship was pretty much two friends who made out and had some fun when their parents weren’t at home. They never had deep talks and she never really shared her deep thoughts with him. He wasn’t the type. 

“Are you going to be better without me?” He asked playfully when she told him that she wanted to break up. 

“Don’t say it like that, I just feel like I need to be alone”

“I understand” His cute peach cheeks told her that he really did. 

“I’m sorry” She apologized,  several times.

“Don’t be, this was great, I had a great first girlfriend, I couldn’t ask for more”

“You were an amazing boyfriend too Junmyeon, an amazing friend” He hugged her pulling her to his chest, he knew it was her favorite. 

“Are we still that? Friends?” She promised him that they were. One part of her heart, if it had the ability to do more than pumping blood, was always going to love him.

She didn’t want to be part of a statistic, but her parents’ divorce detonated a change in her. It was time to become an adult. In the sense of being responsible about herself. She needed to grow up, make decisions and ensure her own happiness.  Kyung Soo’s words were a big influence on this decision.

Often at school, he would check on her. A ‘How are you doing?’  as they passed each other, a short talk during lunch. Despite how short they were, he was the only one asking. He was the only one who heard her honest words. One afternoon she found him alone in the art room cleaning his brushes and tools. She was actually looking for him, but for some reason kept repeating to herself that it was an accident. She needed to talk to someone.  As soon as she entered the room Kyung Soo noticed her bothered face. 

“You don’t look your best, something happened?” She sat in a stool next to the window. 

“I don’t think I have look my best in a while Kyung Soo “

“I dare to disagree, but what happened?” After school she did something she had been pulling off for a while. The one on one interview with her teacher about her future. 

“She asked me if I was still considering medicine because one time she asked me what I wanted do become,  I panicked and I said doctor “

“You want to be a doctor?!” There was a mixture of surprise and disgust in his question. 

“No of course not, I told you I panicked, so today when she asked me again I told her what I really want to do”

“And that is?” She was sure he knew it. 

“A writer” He nodded smiling softly. 

“Then why that face?”

“She is going to tell my mom for sure and my mom doesn’t know, she thinks I’m going to become something profitable like an engineer or a lawyer, I’m scared of her reaction, I don’t want her to attack  my passion “

“Are you clear about where you are going to study?” She nodded. 

“Are you clear how you are going to pay for said education?”

“I think I can get a scholarship” He finished drying his hands with a lot of calm and brought a stool in front of her. 

“I know how secretive you are about your writing for that same reason, and I know how your mom is, she is a great woman, but she doesn’t have a way with words”

“What would you do?” He straightened his back, crossing his arms and adopting a thinking face that she hasn’t seen in so long, so, so long. It was the same, the same face she saw so many times before. 

“If you are confident, and if there are possibilities of studying for free I say you should do it, and also I know your parents, they are going to be mad or whatever for a couple of days and then they are going to let you do whatever you want”

“You are saying I’m worrying for nothing”

“I would never say that, I’m telling you to go for it, you can�� A knock on the door took away his focus on her and their conversation was cut short, he had to go somewhere. She felt like staying in that room for a little longer just staring at the paintings of the members of the art club. She stopped him as he was leaving the room, needing to ask a question which could fuel her resolution. 

“Kyung Soo, are we still friends?” There was shock for a second in his face, his eyes betrayed him. 

“Yes, we never stopped being friends Eunji, things needed to change a little bit, but we are still friends” Her throat tightened up, but her chest felt full. As if the emotion was grabbing her by the neck and relief was pumping her chest.  

That night she barely slept. As soon as she arrived at her house she talked with her mom about her plans. Of course she didn’t react well. 

“You still write?” She couldn’t blame her mom for asking that. There was no way she could know. She never shared that side of her with her parents. 

Her dad was supportive, maybe out of guilt, but she didn’t get full support from either of them. She needed to give them some time to process it, as Kyung Soo said. But that wasn’t what was keeping her up. What kept her up was her newfound friendship with Kyung Soo. Their relationship went from a hundred to zero and now back to a hundred. Or maybe fifty. They still didn’t meet as often as they used to. But being able to talk again with him. Opening up to him and finding a trustful ear was marvelous. That evening, as she was talking with the night, she noticed that their friendship was one of those connections where they could start from where they left. No need to catch up or regain confidence. It felt as if they had press pause, went to do whatever they needed to do, and now they were pressing play.

Of course now they were different. More mature, with different issues to discuss. She felt a bit guilty that she was the only one opening up, needing help. She didn’t ask him how he was doing. Maybe he had issues too, and he was only focusing on her. That was a very common thing in Kyung Soo, but now she was older and less demanding than the 8 years old Eunji. The next time they met she was going to ask him how he was doing. This year was a big one for him, and maybe he was going through some issues just like her.

 The next Monday she was washing her teeth when she heard someone knocking at the door. Her mom went to open it and she could hear her from upstairs greeting the early guest with a lot of enthusiasm. It was Kyung Soo.

From then on, he picked her up every day so they could walk to school together. She did what she promised to herself and asked him. Anything. He answered all her questions and they held 15 to 20 minutes conversations every morning. They weren’t telling each other all the things that happened during those years where they lost contact. They were learning the new sides of this old friend.

 It was her birthday when something she feared happened. It was a fear that her mom injected on her several years ago when she and Kyung Soo were just kids. 

One day after she answered on her school homework that the person she loved the most was her friend Kyung Soo her mom said, jokingly. 

“Eunji, careful with falling in love with that little Bee, you could lose him” She loved her mom, but she was a master of saying the wrong things all the time. That day, when she was 7 years old, her mom came up with that brutal sentence. If falling in love with him would result in losing him, she was going to make sure to never see him as more than a friend. But that day, when she turned 16, the thing she feared happened. She noticed that the feeling she had for him wasn’t Philia anymore.

She didn’t want to have that conversation with herself. 

“When did you start loving him, Eunji?”.  No. 

Because the answer, whichever it was, could mess with the image she had of herself. If she had been in love with Kyung Soo since she was a child, what was Junmyeon? Before her head could answer, she stopped herself. She didn’t need that answer. It didn’t matter. The thing was that she was now in love with her best friend. 

After celebrating in the morning with her friends at her house Kyung Soo came to pick her up. 

“Let’s go Fly, we have one hour to arrive there, past 3pm we have to pay” She was just bidding goodbye to Junmyeon when he got in through the back door. He pushed the brakes when he saw her ex standing there. She wasn’t sure if he knew that they weren’t dating anymore. 

“Oh sorry. You guys have plans?” Junmyeon answered, all smiles and glowing cheeks. 

“No, we already celebrate, I was just leaving, good to see you Kyung Soo”

“Same” It didn’t sound like he felt the same though. Eunji took him to the door and wished him a safe trip back home, glad that she could celebrate a birthday with a friend.

Kyung Soo was in the kitchen nibbling on some leftovers from the celebratory breakfast. 

“Your English friends?”

“Yeah, we always do this” He grabbed a piece of fruit cake and put it in his mouth, it surprised her how he managed not to choke. 

“Did I miss something about Junmyeon and you? You two didn’t look like a couple” Years of experience allowed her to understand what he was saying. 

“We broke up some months ago, we are still friends tho”

“I feel crappy for not knowing” She played it down and went to grab her jacket.

 During the one-hour bus ride to the next town and before the birthday outing began, Kyung Soo made it very clear that he was penniless. So, they were going to do only free things. 

“I can buy you lunch, but I can only pay for a happy meal”

“I haven’t had one in a while, I like it, can I keep your toy?”

“Sure, birthday gift” In all these years of them being friends, then not so much, and now back to being friends again, this was the first time they shared a day like this, doing something both loved. First stop was the museum. Kyung Soo wanted to visit a biennial of media art at the contemporary museum. 

“Why media art? You are a fine arts kind of guy”

“I like using old techniques, but I hate fine arts themes, I’m seeking for inspiration regarding current matters, also I can’t deal with computers, so for me, all this media pieces look so hard and complicated, I like it” He kept being talkative like that for the two hours they spend in the museum. 

He commented on all the pieces with her, either monologuing or debating with her. She loved it. There were about 11 videos, and as engaging and beautiful they were, she was still a bit tired when they got inside the last room. The video had just started and the room was empty. In the middle of the room there were a couple of mats and pillows so people could sit down and watch. She went straight to the mat and laid down on it. Kyung Soo copied her action and laid down next to her. The beautiful images of Lofoten Islands and relaxing sounds of the sea that the video showcased got her in a peaceful trance. She wasn’t sleepy, but her body was fully relaxed now, and her brain had slowed down. Still, the words of the biologist on the screen brought tears to her eyes. Kyung Soo sighed heavily next to her when the video was over, and then turned around, resting on his right arm. Half of his body was hovering above her, his chest and face too close to her body. She couldn’t see his face since it was dark inside, the room slightly illuminated by the blue light of the video. She knew he was looking at her, but he was silent. The sound of the waves kept playing in the background as she felt his hand brushing hers, playing with her fingers. 

“You look really pretty,” He said, still hidden by the darkness “Did you cry?”. 

Answering yes or no suddenly became an impossible task after being caught off ward by his comment. It drove her crazy not being able to tell if he was smiling, frowning or just staring at her with a blank face. That could change the meaning of his words drastically. 

“I did” She answered, but her shock was louder, she was sure. 

“Me too, that was so scientific but also packed with poetry, amazing, you mind if we watch it again?” She agreed and he went back to his previous position, this time resting his head on her shoulder.  The second time she couldn’t watch the video. She completely forgot about its existence. She could only look at the top of his head. His hair tickled her cheek. She could only sense his smell and his warmth. But above all that, she could feel and hear her heartbeat, shocking her and deafening her. Loud as drums and scary like a storm. This wasn’t the first time she felt like this, so she knew what it was, what it meant. 

“Let’s go, we have one more exposition to see '' He stood up and pulled her up with him. They walked out of the room, needing a couple of minutes to adjust to the bright light.

 He locked arms with her and walked her to the next room. That exposition, in particular, was way past her level of comprehension. It was just a bunch of silly videos for her, but Kyung Soo was analyzing every bit. She listened carefully, and whenever she stood in front of a video and he walked away, he would come back, grab her hand and pull her with him to the next piece. He didn’t let go of her hand. He wasn’t holding it tightly, just locking his pinky with hers. When he did it for the first time, she had to look at their hands just to check if it was happening or not.

On one hand she was so grateful that he was seeking for her, on the other she was sure that by the end of the day she was going to have some kind of heart failure.

But at the same time, it was so exciting. It wasn’t the first time he would act like this with her. When they were kids Kyung Soo told her she was pretty several times, and he held her hand whenever they were outside.

But they weren’t kids anymore.

After the museum, he took her to a book shop so they could do something she enjoyed. They walked several streets so they could visit her favorite bookshop “We spend about three hours at the museum, I’m willing to spend three hours here for you”

“Gee, thank you, you know I can spend three hours here right?”

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you” As she followed him around the museum, he followed her around the bookshop. 

She would grab books she had already read, and comment on them. Kyung Soo would grab books too, based on how cool the cover was and ask her if she had read them. They whispered to each other all the time, under an accomplice aura. She loved it. 

She was going through the sci-fi section when she lost track of Kyung Soo. The library was a little bit packed at that time. She shouldn’t have let go of his hand, he still had a talent to get lost. She searched around with a soft smile on her lips, the memory of a 5-year-old Kyung Soo pouting and wide-eyed, waiting for her to find him, kept humoring her from the past. She found him in the poetry section on the second floor. 

“Old habits don’t die uh?” She told him, sitting next to him on the floor. 

“I wondered and ended up here, on my defense, I don’t cry when I get lost anymore” She patted his back and asked him what he was looking at. He had a small stack of books next to him.

“These books are not very expensive, I can get you one”

“You don’t have to, the happy meal and the museum date was enough” He shrugged it off and insisted. When it came to getting a new book, she wasn’t hard to convince. His selection wasn’t bad, although she had half of them. She ended up picking up a selection of poems from Sapho, a simple yet feminine edition. Kyung Soo grabbed it happily and took it to the register and paid for it. It was already a bit late and if they wanted to grab a seat on the bus, they needed to be quick.

Kyung Soo read her new book on their way home, taking pictures of the poems he liked. 

“You have something similar to this at home?”

“Yeah, I have another book of Sappho and other female authors”

“Borrow them to me” She never had issues borrowing her books, even if it meant losing some of them. She invited him to her place, her mom gave them dinner and then they went to her room so Kyung Soo could check her books and take some of them. He got a call from his mom asking where he was and only then they noticed it was past midnight. 

“I’m going to stay here with Eunji for a little longer” He told his mom and hung up. He didn’t even ask her, she didn’t dislike that. Her mom came to check on them a couple of times until sleep was stronger than her and she went to bed. Eunji wasn’t sure if she was just checking if they needed something or if she was checking if what they were doing was Christian enough. As if anything like that could happen. 

Kyung Soo convinced her to watch a movie he had recently watched. She was sure that they would both fall asleep during the movie, but he insisted and she has never been able to say no to him. The movie was so good and engaging that by four in the morning it was over, and they were wide awake. Awake but hungry. They went downstairs and got themselves some snacks and the entire bottle of coke. They chatted for a little while until Kyung Soo got serious. He fumbled with his fingers a little bit, locked eyes with her and then looked down again. She gave him time, not even daring to wonder what he had to say. If he was nervous, she had to stay calm. 

“I decided that I’m not going to L university, I gave it a lot of thought and the way they select their students and also the way they plan their classes does not fit me” He was right. L university was everybody’s choice because it was close to their town, so it was cheaper. It was known also for how easy it was to get in, but how hard it was to stay. Also, if he wanted to study arts, L university wasn’t the best. 

“Where are you going then?”

“I did some research and the Seoul Institute of the Arts is my best option” Seoul. That was almost 10 hours away by bus. He was going to spend money on rent for sure. 

“You are moving to Seoul?”

“Yeah, next week I need to go for my personal interview and after that, I will know if they accept me, but I’m sure they will accept me, I was scouted in one of our art fairs and I send some of my work and they liked it, so…I’m confident” Another difference between L University and the Seoul Institute of the Arts was how hard was to get in it. They didn’t care about your grades, nor did they have an entrance exam. If they liked your work, you were in. And if they really liked your art you were in and with a scholarship. Kyung Soo was scouted and had one foot inside the institute.

“I don’t want to congratulate you and jinx it, but I can tell you that I am really proud” He giggled shyly and thanked her. 

“So you are not going to be here next year”

“No, I’m going to leave during the summer” The word leave weighed heavily on her chest. It was a terrible one. There was nothing more she could say. And Kyung Soo didn’t ask her more. He climbed on her bed and rested his head on her pillow, snuggling. 

“I don’t want to leave my life here, but I can’t keep living it if I don’t go”  

“You are right” She crawled to his side and sat on the floor facing him. 

“I just feel like we are all so young for so many changes, our brains can’t be ready for all this…but also, our parents went through this, our parents’ parents too, so it can’t be that horrible”

“Of course not, and we are luckier than them, my dad couldn’t go to medical school because of money, your mom wanted to be a teacher, but her dad didn’t let her…not like us who got to decide what to do, and we couldn’t choose more uncertain paths in life, an artist and a writer” Eunji covered her mouth to tone down her laugh. Kyung Soo was right, and they should celebrate their freedom. 

“Have you decided where you want to study? With your grades you can go anywhere you want”

“I have some options, but I’m planning on deciding next year”

“Since I’m not going to be here you are going to have a lot of free time…what? Why did you get sad all of a sudden?”

“How can you ask why? I just got you back and now you are leaving” There were less dramatic ways to express what she was feeling, for sure, but she was being honest. 

“Eunji, I never left so how could you get me back, we just…I don’t know, what happened to us Eunji?” He grabbed on to her pillow with much strength hiding his face and sighing with something close to frustration. 

“There were days where I missed you so much, I needed to do and say things I couldn’t do with my friends…and you were across the street, but I just couldn’t do it, things weren’t as before, and I knew that you would treat me like before, that everything would go back to what it used to be, like now, but I just couldn’t, I was afraid and embarrassed” She reached for his hand and grabbed it. 

“I missed you too, so much, but also our time apart allowed us to do so many things and met so many people…and when I needed you the most, you came, and we are back to how it used to be” He raised his face slowly and looked at their hands. 

“That night, after your mom called mine telling her what happened, I didn’t think about it twice and came here, and now here we are” He rested his head on the pillow again and looked at her with a sweet, sleepy smile. 

“You have a point when you say that you never left…we remained friends” He nodded, closing his eyes.

“Now you get it,” He whispered playfully. 

The hand she was holding felt softer, more relaxed and when she looked at his face it was clear he was asleep. Why bother waking him up? He was tired, it was too late, and this wasn’t the first time they shared a bed. Of course, in the past, her bed had a Barbie bedspread and her ceiling was covered in glow in the dark stars. Now her bedspread was gray and her ceiling naked. But the feeling in her room was the same from 10 years ago. Homey, safe and happy.

She took off her sweater, brought a blanket and laid next to him, covering both with it.

She faced his back and made sure to stick to the wall, so she wouldn’t bother him. His back and nape looked so manly from behind. His silky black hair falling onto her pillow, his breathing, a bit loud, filling her silent room.

He was so big now. An almost grown-up.

The Bee was gone long ago. Now he was more of a bumblebee. She giggled quietly to her own thoughts. .

She drifted off to sleep feeling that bursting sensation inside of her. The feeling of loving someone. Of loving him.

She woke up early with the sound of her mom’s voice. She opened her eyes and found her with her phone taking pictures. 

“This was a throwback” She whispered to a still half-sleep Eunji. She tried to explain herself, but her mom wasn’t interested. 

“I’m glad you guys are still friends…make sure to serve him some breakfast ok? I’m leaving for work” Before she could answer, her mom left looking at the pictures she had just taken. 

Eunji turned around on her bed a couple of times and then got up. It was early and she had probably slept 3 to 4 hours, but she was fully awake now. Kyung Soo on the other side was still asleep. She went to the bathroom, took her time, and when she came back Kyung Soo was moving around her bed, turning from one side to the other, grasping to the last seconds of sleep. She sat on her desk and did her best to comb her hair into a bun. Some hairs were sticking out, but it was under control. 

“Eunji, stay there, let me take a picture” She jolted on her seat and froze on her spot, reacting to the urgency in Kyung Soo’s voice. She asked him several times what it was, but he only insisted on her staying still. He stood up and grabbed his phone from her desk where it was charging. In the reflection of her mirror, she could see him standing behind her and pointing his camera to her nape. 

“You are taking a picture of my neck?”

“Your nape, yes, Can I paint it?” He stood next to her and showed her his phone with her picture.

“Why do you want to paint it?”

“It looks very cute, and the nape is one of the most attractive things in the human body” She chuckled and looked at her picture, it looked quite cute if she could say so. 

“That’s your subject, the human body?”

“I think so”

“Ok, you can paint it, but unnamed” Kyung Soo frowned in doubt. 

“I was planning on naming it Eunji, or Fly…but if that’s your only request, unnamed it is” Kyung Soo called her pretty yesterday and now was saying that her nape was cute. She wasn’t used to compliments, and she knew that his were obviously an exaggeration. But she could take them and believe them for a couple of days or weeks.

Kyung Soo stayed for breakfast and then left the  house without a word, only giving her a hand signal.

Before lunch, she got a text for him thanking her for the food, the company and the beautiful day they shared.

She answered hoping that they could do that again before he moves to Seoul. Kyung Soo answered – I will not leave your side for the rest of the year -

Two weeks before his graduation he got a call from the institute telling him that he had been accepted. It was settled that his departure was going to be in the middle of the summer, a month after his graduation.  

He wasn’t lying when he told her that he wasn’t going to leave her alone. She still met her friends regularly, but whenever she was at home, Kyung Soo was there. If she was studying, he was on his cellphone or sketching. Whenever he went downtown to buy art supplies, she would come with him. They were coming back to an old routine that for sure she was going to miss in the future.  

And with every day they spent together, the love for him kept growing. Kyung Soo had become a second home, a safer and more supportive one. He was polite with everybody around him. Watching him interact with his friends, so lovingly yet stern was a new side that she didn’t see very often. With her, he was just sweet. He always had the right word, the right touch, he even appeared just when she needed him. One time she asked him if he could read her mind and he only grinned and said maybe.

There were different kinds of love and different degrees of love. She never stopped to think about how much she loved him or how. She wasn’t interested. There was no point in facing anything if he was about to leave. But the main reason why she refused to fully acknowledge her feelings was fear. Fear of being rejected and breaking their bond.

She was never too brave. Especially now as an almost adult. If the five-year-old Eunji could possess her current body she would cross the street, go to Kyung Soo’s room, grab his cute face and kiss him on the lips. But the old Eunji disappeared years ago, and the new one was shy and a coward.

But she was cautious and strong. So, whatever happened she was sure she would be able to deal with it. Deal with anything but heartbreak. Missing him, she could handle that much. Losing him for a sudden love confession, that would break her.

And also, there was no rush.

She didn’t mark on her planner his moving day. She didn’t need to remember it. The day before his friends organized a party in a restaurant and they invited her. She really didn’t want to go, she had come out with an excuse when Kyung Soo called her asking if she was coming. 

“I thought it was a surprise party”

“It was for like ten minutes, I found out what they were planning in a heartbeat, go please” She complained by groaning his name in annoyance. 

“Please, I know you find them funny, and they like how chill you are, you just have to go, eat and speak once in a while, nothing more”

“Ok”

“I promise that I’m going to make you sit next to me so you don’t have to do small talk” She ended up agreeing, and of course she didn’t regret it. 

The party was more of a gathering. They ate and laughed loudly. Telling different stories about them with Kyung Soo, commenting on where he beat them and with what. Some of them cried thinking about him leaving, some of them made him promise that he would visit them often to which he refused. 

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to visit very often, it’s a 10-hour drive from there, plane tickets are expensive, also, I’m going to be an art student, I’m going to have money for art supplies and maybe food, that’s it” He was answering to his friends, but that was for her too.

She wasn’t going to be able to see him too often.

The next morning she woke up after one hour of sleep. She arrived late from the party, but once she laid on her bed sleep refused to take over. At one point she gave up and began reading.

Kyung Soo’s dad was going to drive him to the bus station at 8 o’clock. It was 6 am. She went to take a shower, washed her hair and then sat on her bed for almost an hour covered in her towel, just staring at her wall. Her mind went from completely blank to being filled with the image of Kyung Soo and the sound of his voice. She was already feeling homesick.

Her hair had already dried when her mom knocked at her door. 

“Let’s go and say goodbye to Kyung Soo” Her mom was holding an envelope against her chest, Eunji looked at it raising an eyebrow. 

“This is a bit of money to help him settle, it’s the only thing I can do…and also, next year you are going to go through the same I suspect, so…”

“That’s very nice of you mom” She looked happy with her compliment and hurried outside the house. Her neighbor’s door was open, the car parked outside, and she could see them chatting in the living room. Eunji’s mom went inside and she just followed her. Kyung Soo’s mom was teary-eyed and ran to hug her friend, Kyung Soo and his dad laughed lovingly at her. Eunji felt a bit awkward and was kind of grateful that she didn’t hug her, she was sure she would cry with her.

“Our kids are leaving us, it’s happening  too soon” She said between sobs. 

“Now we only have Eunji”

“Yeah, but don’t get too attached, she would be leaving next year” Her mom joked, hugging her friend. 

“But you guys have each other at least” Kyung Soo commented standing next to her. 

“I’m leaving Eunji here, and going there alone” His mom released Eunji’s mom and went to hug her son sobbing about how her baby was going to be all by himself. 

“Mom, I was joking, I’m going to be alright” Despite Kyung Soo’s mom crying, which was expected, there was a very light atmosphere at his place. He had already packed everything and was enjoying a snack before heading to the station. He looked relaxed, excited to leave and answered his parents’ questions over and over again, with patience. 

They asked him at least 10 times if he took the credit card with him and he answered the 10 times with his signature calm. Eunji did her best to copy, to absorb some calm from him, but on a scale, she was closer to his mom’s mood than his. She did her best to act natural. Laugh when needed, hold a conversation. But she could hear her voice softer, trying to go past her tight throat.

“Eunji, before I go, come to my room with me” She followed him upstairs and walked inside his room. The shelves were half empty and the open doors of his wardrobe showed empty shelves and hangers. 

“I was going to take my blankets but my mom forbade me to do so, she said that the bed had to be ready for when I come to visit” She sat on his bed and smiled at him, finding his mom’s way of thinking so adorable. Kyung Soo moved around his room, probably checking if he was forgetting something, her eyes following him as he moved. She felt so jealous of him. So jealous of his peace. He stood in front of her with his hands on his waist looking down at her with a soft smile “Are you ok?” She shook her head. 

“Are you sad because I’m leaving?” She nodded looking away. Kyung Soo was going to say something, but his dad interrupted them by calling him from downstairs. It was time to leave. 

She felt so desperate, as the time with him was running short. Kyung Soo grabbed her hands and made her stand up. 

“Have you thought about studying at the Seoul Institute?” His voice was rushed. 

“I have”

“I don’t want to push you, it’s your decision, but it would be great if we went there together”

“It would depend…I need to get a scholarship otherwise it’s going to be impossible” He insisted that she wasn’t pushing her decision and she wasn’t going to recognize that a part of her would kill to go there and not have to miss him. 

Kyung Soo didn’t let go of her hands and kept rubbing them with his thumb. She wanted to put her hand on his chest. Maybe his face wasn’t giving too much away, but his heart, his heart must be showing it. He had to feel something right now, he was leaving. He must feel at least half, even a third as sad as her. Her hands were itching to touch him, to bring him to her. Kyung Soo was a step ahead. He hugged her, bringing her to his body slowly, taking his time to envelope her with his arms and rest his chin comfortably on her shoulder.

And she felt it.

In his breathing, in his hold. His heartbeat matched hers. His hold was tight and desperate and his voice sounded low and so close to her ear as if he didn’t want to share this with anyone, not even the walls of his room. 

“See you soon Eunji”

“See you”

“Take care” His arms held her tighter and she did the same. 

“You too, if you need anything, call” His laugh rumbled against her chest. 

“What could I need from you, money?” She hit his back playfully. 

“I’m broke, but you know…”

“I know, I will call…I’m gonna try not to bother you too much” Eunji pulled apart and held to his upper arm, putting together all her effort to look serious and try to send along a message that she knew she was not going to be able to say, but maybe, just maybe her eyes would be able to express. 

“Kyung Soo, bother me all you want” His eyes went wide for a quick second and then a smile took over. He didn’t laugh, so it wasn’t funny to him, his smile was more of a thankful one. 

“That was very cool Eunji, ok, I will call” He hugged her again, quickly, so she didn’t have the chance to hug him back.

The farewell was short, they were a little bit behind schedule. He hugged her again and this time she was quicker, hugging him back and not letting him go for five seconds. 

 +++++

She wished for their love story to be a Shakespeare comedy, ups and downs, a little misunderstanding, lovely characters but with love as the champion of the story. But early after Kyung Soo’s departure, she realized that this was a Bronte novel. All of the Bronte sisters. Because, there was a possibility that love could win in the1 end, but in the middle, there was going to be a lot of drama.

With the divorce of her parents, she noticed something about herself, and now with the recent events, she confirmed it. She was terrified about the uncertainty of change. If her life kept moving on as it was, she could easily predict the future. And that was perfect. She wasn’t a fighter, she didn’t function well under pressure. A predictable tomorrow gave her confidence. When her dad left, the global image she had of her future changed and it became uncertain. And now with Kyung Soo leaving, again her future became uncertain. There were so many options, but just one of them meant full happiness for her.

Her mood, her private mood, the one that showed in the loneliness of her room, during bus and car rides or when her day became dull, changed too soon for her own taste. She thought she would make it for a month or two and just then she would begin missing him. But sadly, it wasn’t the case. The next day she sat at her couch and stared at the door of his house hoping that yesterday was a dream.

If they hadn’t gotten closer again, she wouldn’t be like this. So at least she had that. She missed him because they were friends again, and during those days they spent together she developed a love for him that was something to be cherished. These kinds of feelings were a double-edged weapon. Loving someone was always a blessing, but love brought a kind of pain that she wasn’t ready to feel. With her love, came the nostalgia, the silent ache, the need to cry out loud or to be sitting completely quiet. This was terrifyingly new. Her first love didn’t teach her about this. Her relationship with Junmyeon was pain free. It didn’t toughen her up.

 On the days that came, she began wondering about his changes. When they cross paths again, what new colors would Kyung Soo have? She begged for him to not forget her. To not forget his affection for her. She was sure her affection wasn’t going to change. If anything, a year away from him could only feed her love for him and make it grow and grow. Holding onto her feelings, she went back to the scenes she shared with him. All of them. Just to feed her hope or fire her melancholy.

Her mood towards the others didn’t change too much. She still did great at school. Her relationship with her mom was the same, just avoid confrontation. Her relationship with her dad was the same, just give him enough information about herself.

She hung out with her friends, which was one of the two things that kept her spirits up. Her friends kept her busy. With them she laughed, she joked, she sang and danced, went out for food or to just kill time. And she enjoyed it, she really did. But Kyung Soo, as a ghost, appeared always in her thoughts and almost materialized in front of her. When she laughed, she imagined him laughing. When she joked, she imagined him hiding his laughing face behind the closest shoulder. When she sang and danced, she imagined him watching her, cheering, mouthing the lyrics with her.

She wanted to read, but she knew that every book that could pass through her eyes would be tarnished by her current reality. She could remember where she read every single book, so of course, she remembered what was happening in her life at the time she read any specific book.

 The month before he began his classes, the messages and video calls were customs. Those video calls made her weaker inside. She couldn’t reach for his arm or bump her shoulder with his. The small screen didn’t make justice to his cute face either. And reading his messages with his voice didn’t help. Not being able to meet him and have a normal conversation frustrated her immensely.  

Autumn lasted a couple of weeks, as always, and then a winter that lasted half a year arrived.

The rain gave her peace. She always preferred winter over summer. Winters were long in her town, so she had to learn to love them. Kyung Soo reminded her of winter. He looked like summer but felt like winter. He was comforting but wild and thunderous sometimes.

As her friends made her forget for a little while, writing made her turn her sadness into something.

She began writing obsessively.

One time at a workshop they told them to “Use your sadness, the best things would come from your extreme happiness and extreme sadness”. That sounded stupid to her. She hated the idea of romanticizing sadness or depression. 

But she had to recognize now that her best things came from her sorrow, melancholy and yearning. Not one of her stories was sad, quite the opposite. She went to happy, brilliant, magical places just to keep her feelings away. In every short story she wrote, she created a character that was Kyung Soo. Could be a time-traveling neighbor, a coffee shop owner or a voice coming from a tree in the forest. They were all little pieces of him that she kept to herself.

His first calls were only enthusiasm about everything. After some weeks stress made its debut, and then she began to notice how he lost weight and how his eyes now had a darker companion under them. He spoke about due dates, some teachers being a bit square and expensive art supplies. Of course, he spoke about good things too. His classmates, his roommates, the Friday nights and the great art scene in Seoul. He always said how he wished she was there.

As the year went by his calls were shorter until there were none. His text went from one every day to one every week. She expected that much, so it didn’t hurt too much. She could understand why he stopped writing and calling. But when two weeks passed and he didn’t write to her, she broke down during dinner when her mom asked her about Kyung Soo. She dropped her spoon and dashed to her daughter’s side, terrified of seeing her cry. Eunji never cried in front of other people. She only did it when it was too much for her to handle. She kept calling her name, caressing her head. Containing her between her familiar and eternal arms. After she calmed down, her mom made her wash her face and took her to bed with a cup of tea on her nightstand. She laid next to her in bed and heard her in silence as she was finally relaxed enough to speak. Eunji was scared of sharing so much. Scared of being judged for her feelings, or being made fun of or even worse, she was scared of hearing her mom looking down on her feelings.

But she didn’t.

When Eunji finished talking her mom held her tighter, kissed her head and told her something she wanted to remember forever so she could pass it on to whoever needed it. 

“Eunji, you did something really amazing with Kyung Soo, you turned him into an immortal being because no one dies when they have been loved, love turns us into holly creatures, love is longer  than life” She began crying again, but not for Kyung Soo.

  From all of the stories she wrote during that year, she chose one to send to the Institute. If they liked it, she was in. If they really liked it, she was in and with a scholarship. Those were Kyung Soo’s words. 

“Look, and if you don’t get accepted, you go to L University, and you are going to be an hour closer to Kyung Soo” Her mom tried to cheer her up. 

“Mom”

“Eunji, take a joke, there’s no way you are not getting accepted, that story, thank you for letting me read it by the way” She commented ironically, because of course she didn’t let her mom read it  “I’m sure is an amazing story, I trust that you are a great writer as you are smart, and I know you are not doing this only for him, but if this stops you from crying like the other day, then do it” L university indeed was her second option, in fact, they already got in touch with her asking what options she was considering but her mind was settled on the Seoul Institute of Arts.

They did take their sweet time to answer though. She was waking up the morning after her graduation party when she got a call. Her mom picked up since she was going through an understandable case of dysphonia. She didn’t know her mom was such a teaser. Her face didn’t say good or bad news. She only answered with an assortment of A-ha’s and I see and when the call was over she put down the phone and crossed her arms. 

“Well Miss Eunji, you just saved your parents a big amount of money…you are in, with a full scholarship” She shouted, although it came out as a loud whisper, and jumped into her mom’s arms.

Now her life was back to being predictable. Uncertainty out of the window. At least for the next summer.

TBC

Notes:

Thank you so much to @xiuminscheeks​ for the beautiful mood board. 

The biennale is real, I visited it this summer, chef kiss, it was amazing. And here is the video I refer.  

The Seoul Institute of the Arts is real, but everything I wrote and write in the future about it is fake, just my imagination. Abut the entrance system, that’s how art school’s work in my country, no idea how it does in Korea. 

And last, check my cute playlist for this story. 

[mytherapistthinksimfunny]

The Endless Thirst of Grace Michaud

It’s almost 11 pm, and in the four hours that I have been home from work, I’ve been reading articles about Adam Driver. Alone in my apartment, I snort to myself as I read The Cut’s “I Want to Be Adam Driver’s Baby”  and “21 Things I Would Like to Do With Adam Driver” which I relate to a little too well. I, too, want to “peruse real-estate listings” with Adam Driver. 

In my nearly 26 years of living, Adam Driver is this month’s Grace Michaud’s “It Boy.” Last month it was Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Next month? Who knows, but Henry Cavill is looking mighty fine in The Witcher. 

For anyone who has ever known me, this causes little concern. To everyone joining the Grace Michaud journey: welcome. You are about to experience an everyday occurrence.

New friends, or people who only interact with me via social media: I suffer from being infinitely thirsty. My thirst can never be quenched. Usually the thirst comes at a normal level, like any thirst, and starts out as a simple tickle in the throat. If offered a drink I wouldn’t say no. But I don’t actively do anything about it. I could go for a drink, but I’m not about to get up and get one. Then the thought becomes nagging, that maybe I really should get up and get a drink right now. I’ll crave water, a simple free drink that comes from the tap. Soon my thirst becomes more distinct. I’m craving an Arnold Palmer and I need that Arnold Palmer now. I drink and drink and still I’m thirsty, drinking like I’m in the desert, about to die unless I drink the world’s entire water supply right now. 

I am, of course, not talking about liquids. I’m talking about men.

An attractive male on a film or show catches my eye, and I make note. Soon I’m watching every movie they’ve ever made until I’m in a downward spiral of interviews in the trenches of YouTube and Google. 

I’ve been attracted to the male species since before I could form a concrete memory. The evidence is in a video of my dad teasing me at three about a crush I have on a boy named Ricardo. Wracking my memory, the name sounds familiar, and I’m aware I had crushes when I was in preschool.

How in the world did my tiny brain comprehend the very idea of crushes? That one could feel something more than just friendship with someone? That I, a mere three-year-old just learning how to not urinate my pants, was able to identify that? I’ve dated 30-year-old men who are nowhere near that level of emotionally intelligent. 

Who were you, Ricardo? Why was I fascinated with you? Was I attracted to you? Do three-year- olds recognize attraction? Where are you now Ricardo? Have you met your metaphorical Lucy?

So we begin, reader, towards an agonizing life of never-ending attraction to men. Now, I am absolutely not going to go into my dating life. That is just one long humiliating and questionable series of life decisions that even I don’t want to get into. Let’s just say, at 11, there was an entire diary entry of pictures from my yearbook of a kid named Kyle who once took a pinecone out of my hair. I shudder at the thought. And don’t get me started about junior year of high school.                                                                      

I mention Ricardo to show you that my thirst for men was always there, whether I knew it or not. To me, it seems, it was just a normal feeling that was a part of me. Nothing unusual. My karate teacher was a hottie and probably why I loved going to karate. I loved men so much that I wanted to be them. I dressed in boy’s clothes, even boy’s underwear, and occasionally asked my parents to call me Michael. Now, you’re probably thinking: “Wow there is a lot to unpack here.” But this was 1997 and my parents just went along with it, not really caring as long as I went to bed when they told me to. While others may think something entirely different, I just chalk this up to being that boy crazy. I didn’t start wearing dresses until I hit puberty….but I’m already getting off topic and I don’t want this to turn into an episode of Big Mouth. Let’s try and remain focused here: I’m an obsessive person.

This is my Kindle library as of March 20, 2020:

There is a home movie of my two-year-old self pointing to my Tweedy Bird hat excitedly. “I have Tweedy Bird on my hat!” I repeat over and over with a lisp, clearly very excited I had something I loved on an item of clothing. Even then, when I loved something, I was all in. 

Combine my obsessive personality with my attraction to the male species? We descend into madness, my friends. From cartoon characters, to television shows, to actors, to rock stars, to actors again. I obsess most over men I don’t personally know. Think 25 years of pictures covering walls. Merchandise. Staying up till 3 am diving into the corners of the internet for every last drop of information I could get. 

And it all started with Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny was my first foray into fangirl territory. It was that episode when Bugs Bunny dressed as a Viking woman that drew me into the Bugs Bunny portal of obsession. I wasn’t attracted to Bugs Bunny in drag, necessarily; I was more fascinated by the idea of Elmer Fudd falling in love with Bugs Bunny. That Bugs was a character that could be loved romantically. I know this sounds really bizarre and heavy, but I fully believe that I was fascinated by romantic love that early in my life. 

Soon I didn’t stop talking about Bugs Bunny. I had an entire Bugs Bunny tracksuit, slippers, and a doll. There’s a picture of me in my entire ensemble while holding the doll, ecstatic. For my fourth birthday my mom made me a homemade Bugs Bunny Halloween costume. Bugs Bunny was even my imaginary friend for a bit there. I must have worn out the Space Jam VHS tape.

Note the Bugs Bunny watch. 

That’s childhood obsession for you. When I loved Pokemon all I would do was talk about it and dream about it. 

Then it was Digimon. In twenty six years, it hasn’t stopped. Up until December of 2019, it’s been one TV show after the other, examples being Avatar the Last Airbender, Total Drama Island, The Office, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Mr. Robot, Fleabag, Frasier, and most recently, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Harry Potter has always been a love for me, and I’ve been obsessed with two different book series: the comic books The Umbrella Academy (the show is a DISASTER compared to how good the comics are), and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod (a book series about a vampire; as a bonus, see how many vampires you can count). A common theme for all of these things was the fact that I was attracted to a singular male character and their relationship to others.

In preparing to write this I wrote about 6 pages worth of notes, all ranging in obsession. To completely write about every single one would take a novel with each of my multiple obsessions being individual chapters. For example, during the Total Drama Island years I was constantly up till 3 am on the weekends making YouTube videos for the show. If you can find them...I’d be impressed. (But actually, please don’t.) I’ll try to provide a list and a little comment, as I split my obsessions into various categories. 

At 11, I discovered the Sprouse twins and my object of desire went from cartoon characters to actors. I was known as “the Sprouse twins” girl, specifically Cole, during sixth grade. This was the first time I covered my room and locker in posters. 

A year later, we jumped dramatically and came to my obsessive emo phase. While I listened to a lot of bands, my attention was turned mostly to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. (The latter I would later meet after MCR broke up when I was about 20 years old after his solo show,  and it was just as awkward as I could imagine). That’s when my room was completely covered in Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance posters. I wore a lot of black and those years were honestly my cringiest moments. Hey, we were all 13. 

I started to shift more from short, skinny, guyliner-wearing men and noticing tall, muscular, and handsome ones. I can pinpoint when I started to first feel sexually attracted to a man (at an appropriate age! I was going through puberty!) when I saw the trailer for Fantastic Four, and Chris Evans came out shirtless in a towel. Oh GOD what an ICONIC moment. Goodbye Sprouse Twins, hello six packs.

The summer going into high school, I saw The Dark Knight 3 times because of Christian Bale as Batman. He walked in wearing that tight black shirt and my expectations for men from there on out would never match up to Batman. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast seemed hotter now (you all know what scene I’m talking about), That attraction became the strangest when I remarked to my friend that Ultron was pretty hot for a robot. 

Maybe that’s why I love Kylo Ren so much. He’s the combination of two of my great loves: a buff emo. 

The high school years followed a somewhat similar pattern, but mostly actors more so than musicians. To be fair, in high school Fall Out Boy broke up and didn’t get back together till I was in college, and My Chemical Romance only released one album in my four years. So during high school and college there weren't really any “emo” guys or musicians to lust over. 

Now in 2020 I live in Brooklyn where every man and their mother is a “musician” so the whole idea turns me off. It was fun while it lasted though, and I’ll always be an emo kid at heart. I’ve seen Fall Out Boy 7 times in the last 10 years, and I paid an insane amount of money for My Chemical Romance reunion tour tickets. 

High school was a time where everyone was entering a more mature phase of their puberty journey, and for me, that was lusting after men over the age of 30. I had a hella crush on Zachary Quinto (who I saw walk past me once in the Village and I almost pooped my pants) even though I knew he was gay. I went through a Freddie Mercury phase for a bit too, I mean, come on, that chest hair.

I had a few months lusting after Colin Farrell after seeing him in Fright Night (which I recently found out was written by my favorite Buffy writer! seventeen-year-old me foreshadowing the present). In The Phantom of the Opera I sided with the Phantom the entire time, wishing that I could be seduced through opera in a hidden Parisian cave. My mom introduced me to Ryan Gosling who became my dream man. While reading Great Gatsby I had a huge crush on Seth Meyers who I would imagine Nick Carraway as. He does sort of look like Toby McGuire? He was the first of many goofy men that would lead to John Mulaney, Rob Delaney, Nathan Fielder, Ben Wyatt, and Niles Crane. Chris Pratt still fits into that category, though he’s the perfect combination of goofy and buff. When The Avengers came out my senior year of high school, I saw it 4 times in the theater. 

The British invasion didn’t happen until my senior year and defined my college years, with posters of Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Eddie Redmayne, and James Norton. My feet ache thinking about the times I waited in line at a movie premiere or a film set to get a glimpse of any of these gents. When I saw Benedict Cumberbatch on set in Boston my knees gave out. Domhnall Gleeson is also in that group of fine British men despite being Irish. It’s why I always have a moral dilemma whenever General Hux comes on screen in Star Wars. Twice I had a hardcore crush on Seth MacFarlane, going to the Ted 2 set living in Boston, waving to him as he got into his car. I would meet him again 3 years later when I worked on Harry, looking like a total disaster. But he said “hi” to me which sent me to cloud 9. I once waited in a lobby of a show to meet Lee Pace even though I didn’t see the show. 

All of these men at one point adorned my room, desktop background, dorm room (which was covered in posters, no wonder I rarely ever had a boy in there), and phone background. Today my phone background is the throne room scene of Rey and Kylo in The Last Jedi. Why do you think I had Tweedy Bird on my hat? I need my obsession with me at all times and I want the world to see. 

(Thank God tattoos are expensive and I was too young to get them during my hardcore obsessions. Imagine if I had a giant Total Drama Island tattoo on my back? I shudder.) 

While a lot of the attraction for these men was based on personality, looks, and accents, I also have a tendency to become enamoured with villains and dark characters. In 1999 I was in the movie theater seeing The Phantom Menace. Up until that point, there were virtually no children featured in Star Wars films, so when a young Anakin Skywalker graced the screen, my five-year-old heart would not stop beating. I loved him so much, I carried a Pepsi bottle with his image on it everywhere I went. I slept with it. My comfort blanket was a Pepsi bottle with a picture of a nine-year-old boy. 

I had the famous Phantom Menace poster with young Anakin Skywalker with the shadow of Darth Vader behind him. I distinctly remember my dad telling me in the theater, “That’s Darth Vader as a little boy.” When I saw Return of the Jedi my favorite scene was when Luke took off Vader’s mask, because you got to see Vader’s real face for the first time. That Vader actually was a human and not a monster fascinated me to the point of obsession which, as you probably have figured out, still carries over to the sequel trilogy. 

Bugs Bunny established my fanaticism, but Anakin Skywalker determined my type: men presented as villains but actually are redeemed over time. Through the years I think I’ve enjoyed getting to figure out someone. Their character is presented as one dimensional, and then even the tiniest thing that strays from that is seen as fascinating. There’s a great quote from an Adam Driver profile in the New York Times that I think encapsulates it: 

“A manner so resolute that when some emotion does manage to escape - whether through a glint in his eyes or the unpredictable undulations of his voice - that transgression can’t help but take you by surprise.” 

Now my therapist says that probably comes with my need to help and fix the real boys in my life. We both joked that our favorite character in A Haunting of Hill House was the drug-addicted little brother. 

I think it is totally unfair, because I know that I can’t personally help them... though ok, she may be a little right.

While I enjoy “complicated” from afar, it does subconsciously fulfill the need for what I can’t do in reality, which is being someone’s reason to change. Mostly through love. Turns out, in real life, it is far less romantic to be dating someone with a lot of emotional issues! Who knew! 

You decide for yourself. Here are all the fictional characters I’ve obsessed over who fit this category: 

-Kylo Ren (I mean, duh)

-Prince Zuko (the original Kylo Ren)

-The Phantom of the Opera (Thank you, Leslie Knope)

-Damon from Vampire Diaries

-Hot Priest from Fleabag (ok not a villain but he’s supposed to be a holy man and you think aw he’s never gonna...AND THEN HE DOES!) 

-Mr. Darcy (again not a villain but he was to Elizabeth at first!!!!)

-Duncan from Total Drama Island

-Draco Malfoy (that bleached blonde hair attraction still hasn’t gone away, oops)

-Spock in JJ Abrams’s last good movie Star Trek

-Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (oh if my heart could beat it would break my chest, how many times have I cried over that sweet platinum blonde baby?) 

Look, I know this is all fictional and in no way real. None of these men exist and are all a fantasy. Hey, I watch You and am extremely creeped out by Joe! I don’t root for him! I also hope I don’t stay this way forever. I really don’t want to be a Twilight mom. I’ve calmed down in my old age, ok? I don’t wait in the cold for hours at a stage door anymore, and I go on real dates now. I’ve even had a few boyfriends in my days who were nothing like the men I lusted after nor did I even compare. 

I completely agree that all these men would be horrible to date! Draco Malfoy was totally a bigot and bully. Kylo Ren killed his dad, and I have a good relationship with my dad, so I can’t really relate. And yes, Spike before he got his soul is nothing to wish for in a boyfriend, even if it was fun to watch him. Kylo Ren and Spike have killed multiple people. I’m not down to date a murderer. 

One day I’ll be able to consume something I enjoy and move on after a week. Growing up, mundane suburban life was a little more interesting when you get lost in a fantasy for a while. To be focused on something other than school, work, or even your own anxieties. If anything, I think my obsessive personality towards men in particular just pushes me to look for more and to yearn for more instead of being depressed that I don’t get to live it. I don’t just settle for the first boy to like me back. I strive to one day not to marry a celebrity, a comedian, or an anthropomorphic cartoon character, but someone who makes me feel like I’m the heroine of my own show. 

For now, I’ll just wait for the Phantom to spring me into his underground lair. 

Taken 2 minutes before I published this. 

[anothervldthingiemabibbie]

A Sixpence Song

Chapter 3: Ink

@klangst-week

Keith writes poems in a notebook, a hobby that he rarely partakes in. It’s strange imagining a brooding, dark-haired teen writing poems about flowers and feelings, but then again…

“I thought you could’ve been something great, but I guess you’re just a dropout.”

“It’s such a shame to see a young man throw his life away like that, without rational thought.”

“Oh what do you know, dropout?”

“You threw away your chance to be something good in this world, you know that? Threw it away on the hope for a dead man.”

“We can’t let him stay, he’s Galran! Who knows what he’ll do!”

“My family is gone because of his kind, my entire planet! All my people! I will not let one of them on my ship, as a Paladin!”

“We were supposed to be fighting Galrans. Isn’t that what we’ve been doing? What do we do now?”

Maybe it’s not difficult to imagine him doing that after all.

Keith’s personal hell is silence.

You wouldn’t think this from a boy who’d lived alone for a long time in the middle of nowhere, but there are many things that are unexpected about Keith.

But the desert isn’t nearly quite as empty as people would expect. There’s lizards that scuttle on the walls at night, distant barks and howls of wild dogs and coyotes on the wind. Owls hoot in the evening and raptors screech in the mornings. And on the rare days when even those are all silent, there’s the cheap shitty radio at the top of the metal drawer, tuned only to one of the few channels available to him.

It was country or static, so he took country.

But now, he didn’t even have the annoying twanging of guitars or gruff voices singing about beer, girls and trucks to comfort him. There’s nothing here but endless darkness and silence, a crushing quiet that sucks any hope out of him. There’s nothing for him here but him and his own head, and a million questions that he can’t answer, doesn’t want to answer, that tear and rip at the edges of his mind, like an itch that he can’t scratch.

Distractions come in the form of sinking into memories, good and bad, any one that is clear. He’s in his first flight class, riding the adrenaline high of piloting the shaking, bouncing flight simulator, stepping out with pride in his chest and one of the highest scores seen ever in the Garrison. He’s thirteen on his first bike, zooming down the street whooping to school, right before he hits a rock and skids nearly a yard on the pavement (there’s still a long, striped scar on his leg from that incident). He’s watching T.V, some documentary on Mothman, mumbling a goodbye as his dad leaves on an ‘errand’. The last time he’d ever see him again.

He bounces back to happier memories, though those are limited. Learning martial arts from Youtube videos and practicing his roundhouse kick in the dormitory alone, while everyone else was out to dinner. Feeling a sense of grim satisfaction in the next memory, when he knocked the front teeth out of that asshole kid who called him a ‘no good sonafabitch bastard fag’ and his bale gray shoes were stained red. A sensation of mild irritation when Iverson chewed him out for it, put him in detention where he was alone, save for the other kid.

The other kid, of course, was Lance. Sitting in the front corner by the door, tapping and doodling on the desk with his pencil. Keith sat on the opposite side, fidgeting awkwardly with the pen he’d ‘borrowed’ from Iverson’s desk earlier, taking it apart and putting it together again. Over and over, cap, spring, ink cartridge, nib, metal ring, outer case. Outer case, metal ring, nib, ink cartridge, spring, cap.

Tap, tap, tap. Goes Lance’s pencil. Keith glances up, and stares. No smile now, instead a rare look of patient serenity. No sign of anger, disappointment, sadness at his situation, but instead an aura of calm. If not for the slow blinks, long fluttering lashes that are the woman’s envy, he could be sleeping.

Snap. Keith had accidentally broke the ink cartridge while putting it back in, and now black ink gushed out over the desk, staining his hands, seeping into the cracks of the white linoleum floor. The teacher in charge, a tired, white matron with severe eyes and a hooked nose, glances up at the noise, sighs angrily, and motions towards the bottle of cleaner and paper towels by the window.

Lance snickers softly on the other end of the room, and Keith feels his neck flush with embarrassment and anger. Accompanied, for some reason, by a strain of pleasure.

For once, he made Lance laugh, not the other way around. And Lance didn’t even know him, earning a bittersweet victory.

As he mops up the chemical-smelling liquid up the floor, the tap-tap-tapping ensues, except now it’s not a simple monotonous pattern. It’s seemingly erratic, short clips there, pauses here, and occasionally he would still his hand and go completely still, as if listening, before continuing his tapping.

Morse. Keith realizes, and he nearly wants to laugh. He’s talking in Morse, probably to one of his friends by the door. And sure enough, when he looks up at the door, there’s that big dude Hunk, the kid that you couldn’t hate for the life of you and almost always had to accept hugs from-most of the time you didn’t have a choice anyway, the guy had arms like a bear. His hand raps out of sight, on the doorframe, a quiet muted series of thumps that took a keen ear to hear.

Keith watches as Lance listens intently, grins devilishly, and taps back a response. A laugh bubbles in his stomach; for a kid who was made of movement and was hardly still, here he was, able to learn Morse to talk to a friend through the door.

He starts wiping down the desk, scrubbing the ink off. In the few moments since it’s release, it was already sticky and hardening, and took a considerable amount of force to remove it. As he moves his hand in circular movements, he listens to the conversation.

Im so b-o-r-e-d Lance even took the time to add a second’s pause between letters, for emphasis. You had to admit, one had to admire the dedication to dramatic flair.

Cant do much for you there. Is Hunk’s faint reply. Movie night?

Uh hell yeah Jeez, he even took the time to communicate seemingly trivial thoughts. And for some reason, this makes him seem all the more likeable. He’s human, and he communicates this in stupid dorky ways. Pop the corn!

Hunk rolls his eyes. Hows detention

Eh not that bad just me here. He stops for a moment. Oh yeah me and keith

Hunk blinks in surprise. You mean top of class keith?

Only one keith i know dude Lance smirks. Man hes even more emo up close

I wouldnt say that fifteen feet away is close lance but whatever you say

Hunk seriously though hes so weird Keith’s blood seem to chill as he translates this. Like he just spilled ink everywhere and i think hes staring at me

All the teachers expect more out of him thatd turn me a little weird too tbh

Yeah but like hes so weird A brief moment of quiet where he contemplates for a choice of words, and during which Keith increases his attempts, lemony smell of the cleaner stinging his nose as he squeaks the towel against the table. Like what the hell is up with the haircut? And hes so quiet

Keith doesn’t catch Hunk’s response, but he does hear Lance’s, despite his attempts to drown it out. And he hardly talks to anyone. It’s like he has no friends

Pause for Hunk. Yeah but seriously hes sorta creepy Pause for Hunk. That wouldnt be surprising Pause for Hunk. He always one upping me and it pisses me off. Its bad enough that im barely scraping by but then here comes mr hotshot and suddenly hes teachers shining example. Its all keith this keith that and im sick of it. Everytime iverson says his name i want to barf

By now Keith was struggling not to shake. It was like being stabbed, except remembering a mishap he had a long time ago with a knife, stab wounds hurt less. When using a sharp enough knife, all you remember about it is that it's cold and everything's dizzy. Now, it felt like the air was a thousand times colder than a knife accident in the warm spring sunlight, and his head reeled violently. The desk, despite having been cleared away of ink several minutes ago, was still suffering Keith’s violent scrubbing.

“Keith. Keith Kogane!”

He blinks; the teacher is calling his name. “Yes?”

“You may go.” And with her final words, and he releases his hold on the world, watching it dissolve back into the eternal inky darkness. Lance, Hunk, and the teacher pay no mind as they vanish into specks of light that are quickly swallowed by the shadows.

Of all the memories he could have chosen to relive, it was that one. The one that haunts his dreams and tugs on his brain. But he needed it for the pain, the pain was what reminded him that he was still human, he was alive, he was real. He was still Keith Kogane, ingrate, dropout, excelled student, future fighter pilot, top of the class. Still Keith Kogane, Red Lion Paladin, tired sixteen year old, stupid teen with a crush on a boy, listened to country music. Still here. Still alive. Still real.

He chooses a nicer memory this time, one that’s soft and gentle. A lullaby he picked up somewhere, accompanied by soft guitar and warmth. His eyes are closed in this one, all fuzzy splotches of pink behind his eyelids, and he welcomes the feeling.

He doesn’t go back to the inky darkness for a long time.