#over and over and over again and im just fuckinh sick of it

[gouinisme]

being arab online rn is soooo fun guys it's so great you should try it

[puppmeo]

Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody

[sophieyouneedtogetbetter]

Journal entries

December 11th 2018

I see no point in anything anymore, i am so lonely and sad. No one likes me and no one cares for me. I get myself into situations that i can't get out out of. I act out on the ones who love me, they shouldn't forgive me, but they do anyways.. 

I am just a big problem and i am misunderstood. No one knows how i feel half the time, it's so hard to describe. I feel like I couldn't be fixed even if i tired. 

I am so unmotivated and lazy, i try to get things done but i get to distracted and pulled into a cold spiral of depression or anxiety. It's hard to do anything now, i am so scared that i will never be good enough or i wont get into college or even get through this year alone.

I need to stop going to others for my own happiness and find it myself. I need to stop getting into relationships just to not feel lonely.  

My grades are dropping and i will never get anywhere, all my teachers and friends are disappointed in me and they also think i wont get anywhere either. 

Everyone is always worried about me because they think i will cut myself again or try and kill myself. I don't want to die i just want to be happy and be normal. 

I’m sick and tired of being so problematic and always sad or tired. But i am always sad and tired and i don't know what to do about it. 

I am always so paranoid and it's scary because sometimes i dont know whats real and whats not, sometimes i feel like i'm almost lucid dreaming or in a movie or something. I feel like i'm drifting and something is pulling me back and they won't let go. My mind gets all blurry and i can't focus, i feel like still things are moving on their own. 

I feel exhausted on days where i've had a good night's rest, i just dont want to feel like this anymore, it's a living hell. I want to be free from this feeling.. 

February 27th 2019

it’s a new year.. i thought things would get better but they have gotten worse. i’ve got a new therapist and she’s not helping. i’ve been cutting a lot lately and i’m very scared. sunday i cut very deep, there was a lot of blood. i felt nauseous and sick and the thing that scares me the most is that i thought i was done, i thought that i was gonna bleed out and hours later when it was about dinner time my parents would find me dead. but that didn’t happen i’m here and i’m alive. something that makes me terrified is that the one thing that i go to for release isn’t giving me that adrenaline and satisfaction that i’ve felt before and now i sit here and ask myself what am i gonna go to next, and i’m gonna go to hard drugs or even worse.. suicide.. i don’t want to die but the thing is that i black out when i cut and what if i was to cut to deep and actually bleed out and die. i don’t want that to happen.

while i type this i’m very scared and anxious, i’ve never thought that it would get like this. i would never think i would find myself in my room scared and out of control of my actions with harming myself. just one little accident and it would be all over. i could do it now but i don’t want to. i don’t want to ever die. i need to get my shit together, i know what i need to do to feel happy again but i don’t want to. saddens has consumed me and it’s so damn comfortable. i need to get my shit together, maybe tomorrow maybe in five years but i guess for now i will fake it.

2021 January 13th

I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm in such a deep depression I'm so tired and so exhausted and miserable. The only good thing I have going is my relationship and friends which I good but I want my home life to be okay. I could give a fuck less about school or anything really just so I can feel at home again so I can be happy. Its sucks because I  Rely so much on other people's emotions for my own. I can't be happy if everyone else isn't and i wanna fix it I wanna fix the way I feel but how do I do that when no body is listening. I'm 17, I don't have my license or a job, how am I suppose to find tools without having other tools. I need a therapist but they are so backed up even if I do put in an application for one ill be at the bottom of the list and it'll be probably a good month before I get one. I don't know what to do anymore.

February 22 2021 

I get it not everything is resolved around me, but what's it going to take for someone to notice I am so fucking alone, that I am constantly fighting with myself constantly fighting to stay alive, always wondering what I'm doing wrong always thinking everyone hates me. It fuckinh exhausting I am so fucking tired I let everyone walk all over me always taking advantage of my empathy. What is wrong with me what am I doing wrong for people to not like me, I hate the fake excuses to not talk to me, I hate the snarky comments and all the glares. I feel like im sinking and everyone else around me is swimming everyone else is floating along while I'm drowning I'm trying to hard to stay up above the water what I know how easy it would be to sink, I want to sink. But what's going to happen if I do sink, will I swim with the fish or will I be eaten up by the sharks. Will this ever end, will I ever stay afloat. Will I ever find the confidence or the strength or the tools to stay alive. 

April 11th 2021 

Yesterday you expressed to me that your not sure if you want to be with me and how I am pretty to much for you and your not sure if you want a relationship, we laid down and after a couple minutes I told you that 2 years ago today you first told me you loved me which was kinda ironic considering the circumstances. We then had sex, which I insisted only because I knew it would make everything better. You wanted me to go to a party that I really didn't wanna go to but I went because I knew if I didn't I had really lost you. You said so many different things that night how you know  you love me and how you care about me but how your mindset tells you otherwise and how you're not attached to me as much as I am to you. You left this morning and I texted you and asked how your day was and ypu ignored me. You said you are going to take me out to eat tonight but I just have this gut feeling that either 1 it's not going to happen or 2 it will and it'll be the last time I see you. I don't know if I can get past this, it hurts way to much. You're my best friend my person love I don't want to lose you I don't want to be alone I don't want to see you with other people. It's Hurts so much and I try and say it's my fault that it hurts so much because I overthink so much and that I just can't except love but I can but I say it's my fault so you won't leave. What else am I going to justify so you won't leave. I can't keep doing this. Maybe its just right person wrong timing, or maybe im just too fucked up to be loved by anyone. And the sad thing is If thinking about you and replaying our memories in my head is the closest thing to having you then I’ll do it no matter what . I’d drop everything to spend time with you but you wouldn’t do the same for me.

June 21st 2021 

God what has happened. I've repressed to my old feelings, old playlist, old memories etc.. suicide has been heavy on my brain the past few days, same with self harm and just leaving everything behind and leaving. I feel so lost and helpless and confused into why I am feeling like this again. I cried the other day, the same kind of cry a baby cries when it misses its mother. I have this thought in my head running back and forth of wether I'm okay or I'm not. I'm constantly catching myself spacing off into old memories, like 8th grade. The feeling of being so numb and so tired that nothing could ever fix this feeling like I am so comfortable and so certain that I'm going to feel like this forever. I feel like a zombie. I feel bored. I feel useless. I feel tired, not the sleep tired. Just tired. Tired of pushing and pulling. My brain feels like mush. My body feels heavy and weightless at the same time. My chest feels tight and my eyes feel heavy. I feel comfortably miserable. I miss when I never had to give a shit about anything like school and work and dissipating people. I've done so good lately and held my shit together so well and it's so surprising because deep down I am screaming and begging for a break for someone to say it's okay to feel like shit and have them not be disappointed in me for falling apart. I think about the day I'll let someone read these entries, I think about the day that I'm completely giving up and I release these all over social media. I know that sounds desperate but maybe someone would read these and think maybe there not alone. I feel like I would scare everyone if they knew how I felt. I wonder what I'm feeling is valid of bullshit or maybe its just my hormones or seasonal depression. Or maybe it's just my day to day life. Something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Keyword maybe means yes it's your everyday life) 

June 22nd 2021 

We're on a "break". I don't even know how to feel, I should be crying right now begging you to not leave and to love me and to just change. But I'm not, I'm so calm and unbothered and just numb. I'm so fucking numb. It's like I don't even care it's like im already over it. I guess I wasn't surprised. I don't really have much to say. But I can say this is going to hit me like a train. One little thing, and I think I'm going to snap. 

September 8th 2021

I don't think I can keep doing this anymore, I don't think I can keep fighting. I don't want to, I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can't remember the last time I actually felt okay. I want to feel normal again. I am losing myself. I am losing my mind and I am trying so fucking hard to hold on. I feel like a prop in some shitty movie. I feel like I'm just a background character, if that makes any sense. I am constantly scared, I am constantly having these thoughts of hurting myself. I keep dreaming of better days but everyday is just a nightmare. I  think of admitting myself somewhere, like sending myself away. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about this shit. Somewhere safe, somewhere there are people like me and understand me.

September 15 2021

I  find myself thinking about sending myself away, not because i need to just because i want to. I guess you could say “ need in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster” but i honestly have come to the point where nothing feels real anymore, nothing feels good anymore. Everything hurts everything is scary and everything is unfair. Life is so unfair. Its even worse that i continuously have shitty things happen to me. I have so much untreated trauma that i think im coming to the point where i dont care anymore. I dont care about anything. I don't feel like existing, trying, dealing or fuckinh anything. I can't feel anything, I am so numb. Numb to my core. I am so desperate to feel better. I am going to feel like this forever, I am always going to be a broken person with a broken heart with a broken mindset. 

[shadowintegration]

SHADOW PERIOD RANT

I just got a bit triggered!! Lol!

Hey Grace!! Fuck you and all the assumptions you made about me! That toxic person you saw in me was simply your own projection.

Source reminds me to be understanding. Source reminds me of all your trauma and all the shitty people you surround yourself with to this day. Source makes it clear to me why you acted like that. Source has also made it clear to me that we should never have reconnected. Source has shown me that no relationship is worth being gaslit, manipulated, and lashed out at. IM HAPPIER ALONE THAN I WAS WHEN I WAS ‘FRIENDS’ WITH YOU/C/T. I’m still sad as fuck and guess what THAT WAS NEVER ANY OF YOUR FUCKINH BUSINESS. FUCK YOU AND YOUR INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND SELF-BASED ASSUMPTIONS.

What triggered me? A self healing post about how when you ask where a relationship is going and you’re told “not right now” - that means never. I fucking new it meant never!! You’d think I’d never been rejected!!!! You’d think I stalked and conditioned specific targets like our Ex?!!!! LMFAO FUCK YOU FOR THINKING SO POORLY OF ME. YOU DONT KNOW ME, YOU NEVER KNEW ME, AND YOU NEVER WILL HAVE THE FUCKINH CHANCE TO SEE MY TRUTH EVER AGAIN. I’m seriously even considering cutting off all common friends because I can see the toxic energy flowing into them (from your ex best friend as well) and no one listens to me anyways. I already put up a wall between me and them months ago.

Why am I so afraid of you? Why am I shaking?! Why does it matter if you shit talk me, spreading lies based on assumptions based on your own relationship with yourself? That’s how all narcissists act! You’re NOT the first one I left and YOU WONT BE THE LAST. My whole life feels destined to be lived to help and heal others no matter who asks, just to have anyone/everyone turn around and demonize me based on their own shadow.

Honestly, I’m sick of healing magic. I’m sick of being the Light for all these toxic ungrateful fucks. I’m sick of being used, abused, and abandoned once I no longer tolerate your bs.

I’m offering Shadow Work ONLY. If you’re not ready to integrate your subconscious, you can work with someone else. I’m fuckinh burnt out and I don’t have any fucking more love and light to giveaway if it means you’ll drain all I have and leave me unable to trust again. TOO MANY TIMES I GAVE EVERYONE PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, GRACE, AND KINDNESS. TOO MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN REPAID WITH PAIN ABUSE ISOLATION AND SUFFERING.

FUCK EVERYONE WHO HURT ME

I forgive you because I know that your journey in life is destined to teach you the lessons you need to learn at the pace you CHOOSE to learn them. If you’re stuck in a loop, how about analyzing what the fucking universe is trying to teach you instead of projecting and repeating the toxic pattern that you’re currently stuck in. I’m sorry that I was unable to teach you clearly. I’m sorry that I had to give up when you hurt me deeply to the core. I’m sorry you only knew yourself and never really knew me. It’s not like I make it easy to know me, that’s probably why everyone has left over and over. I hold in how much people mean to me because I know they will leave, but perhaps I’m just manifesting solitude by choosing to love broken people who don’t want to heal.

Source, I pray that you send me someone who doesn’t gaslight me. I pray that you send someone who loves me without alterior motives. I pray that you send someone who protects me from mistreatment and would never intentionally abuse me. I pray that all those who I used to love learn what true love feels like. I pray that all those I’ve lost begin to integrate their shadow and learn how to love themselves wholly and completely. I pray for you to send true friends who don’t enable shitty patterns and behavior. I pray for inner peace and the healing of my broken heart. I pray that another girl doesn’t come along and fill me with hope just to crush my heart when they are tired of playing. I pray for lifelong healthy friendships.

[tiiramaisu]

A bigass negative rant post just ignore and a huge tw i guess

I am so sick of feeling so unhappy and fighting a constant battle everyday struggling to get something, anything at all done but failing even in the most miniscule task i just can’t physically do it I’m tired of battling these urges every single day that get so much worse at night and idk whats even the reason im not giving in and i feel like im back at square one where i used to feel like no one fucking cares about me even the two people i thought did and my stability with them aka my friends is wavering so much again and I can’t take living like this and everyone is going on ahead with their lives literally everyone is so ahead of me while I used to be the one who was mostly one step ahead during my childhood years and I used to think I was someone who had her ambition sorted out and now I’m not sure about anything I don’t even know who i am or what i am and I’m sick of this personality crisis all over again and this woman i live with spouts horrible crap to my brother and I can do nothing about it absolutely nothing and I feel like absolute crap about that and dad is going crazy with stress or work or whatever idk but hes yelling and acting so weird and his mood and him have always had a huge fuckinh effect on me and im sick of constantly getting reminded im not good enough never will be and I feel like maybe my skin issues are coming back and I’m terrified that’s the last thing I could deal with rn I thought I’d get better after my last birthday cause it actually went good but its been so long now and I just feel like I’m only getting worseI can’t and don’t want to do any of this

I want someone to do horrible things to me like hurt me hit me say terrible shit please I need someone solid to blame at least so I can have rage directed at someone or a valid enough reason to be like this cause right now it’s only me it’s all my fault it always is but again what proves even if someone did i would even realize it maybe id still fail to see that and blame myself cause thats the only thing i can do and i have this fucking broken brain of mine that I can’t fucking trust I’m so, so so tired

I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I’m just sick of all this I’m sick of myself

[dreamboymatty]

.