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atlabeth · 2 years

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tis the damn season part 3 - rafe cameron

part 2 | masterlist | part 4

a/n: lol sorry this took a metric fuck ton of time to come out i went back to school and i lost all motivation to write</3 i love it here. just for reference i drafted this post up on december 22 2021 and then proceeded not to touch it until like, two days ago. so yeah. i dont know if anyone still wants this series because it's been so long but here's part 3 anyways. a christmas fic in april? it's more likely than you think

and YES the family dinner was supposed to be in this chapter but i dont feel like making absurdly long chapters for this series so with my track record, you guys will have to wait another 3 months for it # lmao

warning(s): ward being a lil bit of a drama queen, alcohol (but they are all 21 its okay)

wc: 4.7k

It was far too early in the morning when you woke up, the first rays of the sunrise just barely managing to filter through the window drapes. You yawned as you sat up in the bed, and you couldn’t help the small smile that emerged when you looked over and saw Rafe still asleep next to you. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep, without all the pressure that came with his life, and you had to stop yourself from reaching out a hand to play with his already messy hair. (You couldn't even think about him being shirtless under the covers.) It felt far too natural, and it was way too easy to imagine that this was real.

You pushed those thoughts away as quickly as they appeared and slid out of bed, trying your best to be quiet as you walked to the bathroom. (You still thought it was insane that he had a bathroom in his room.)

Your first day in the Cameron household was easier than you thought it would be, but you attributed that to the surprising lack of family togetherness — Rose spending almost all day on the mainland and Sarah hanging out with her friends that night saved you from a first night family dinner. You were eternally grateful, because now you had an extra day to mentally prepare to play the part of the girlfriend on stage.

After washing your face and fixing your hair from a night of sleep, you decided to make the daring venture outside in the name of caffeine. You padded your way from Rafe’s room to the kitchen, trying to make as little noise as possible seeing as the Camerons were all likely asleep. If it was your decision you wouldn’t be awake either, but your internal clock from waking up early for 8ams was still on, much to your annoyance.

Their coffee maker was right next to the sink and you got to work making it the way you did at home. But god, this kitchen was a lot bigger than anything you were used to, and for some reason these people didn’t keep the coffee next to the coffee maker. You found the coffee filters quicker than you found the actual coffee. In what world—

“Looks like we’ve got another early riser in the family.”

Your heart nearly bursted out of your chest at the unexpected voice as it interrupted your internal rant, and when you whirled around you were met with the sight of Ward Cameron. He chuckled and held up his hands when you let out an obvious sigh of relief.

“Sorry, sorry — I didn’t mean to scare you like that.”

You offered a sheepish smile and shook your head. “You’re fine. I just wasn’t expecting anyone else to be up right now.” You gestured at the opened cabinets behind you. “I was just trying to find some coffee. Can’t really start my day without it.”

“Did you check the pantry?” he asked, gesturing behind him with a pointed finger to a door that you certainly did not check.

You sighed and shook your head as you walked over and opened the door. You made a triumphant noise when you found a bag of coffee grounds and walked back over to the counter. “Thank you,” you said as you opened the bag, then began spooning grounds into the fresh coffee filter. “I’m not used to a place this big.”

“So I’ve noticed,” Ward said, a hint of amusement in his voice. “Where are you from?”

“Raleigh,” you answered, and after you hit a few buttons you turned back to face him. “Right in the city, born and raised. I’ve lived in North Carolina all my life, but I’ve actually never come down here. I can’t wait to see more of it with Rafe.”

“It is a lovely place,” he agreed with a nod, then he crossed his arms. “I just can’t understand why Rafe’s never told us about you before. We only found out about you a couple days ago on the phone, but he said you’ve been dating since late freshman year.”

You nodded along to the story, filing the note away in your mind for future reference. Almost two years, since freshman year third quarter, moved in after you were dating. You guessed this was what Rafe meant when you agreed to improv this whole backstory. “You have me to blame for that. Um— after we got together, I asked him not to tell people up front, and that included his family. Just because I wanted to make sure that we were steady without the input of anyone else, you know? When he asked if I would come down for break with him to meet you all, it felt like it was the right time. I’m sorry that we kept it from you, but I don’t regret it.”

Something akin to surprise flashed in Ward’s eyes but it was gone just as quickly as he offered a slight smile. “I understand. But you have to know that I’m a man who values candor, and that’s why I’m just going to ask you upfront.” Your brows creased in question, but you didn’t have the chance to ask before Ward hit you with a bullet. “What are your intentions with my son?”

It was such a high school question that you had to hold back a laugh, especially after you realized he was serious. “I’m… I’m sorry?”

“Rafe’s a junior in college, just like you. He’s taking his hardest course load yet, as well as contributing to Cameron Development back home. He’s setting himself up for a bright future in the business, and he can’t afford to stumble right now.” You shifted unconsciously under his eyes, uncomfortable at the scrutiny. “He doesn’t need any distractions.”

You huffed a dry laugh, still in disbelief that he was trying to have this kind of talk with you on your second day here. “With all due respect, I’m not a distraction, and Rafe’s not a child. The whole time we’ve been dating, his performance has been nothing less than stellar. He’s made the dean’s list every year, and I’m sure once he gets his grades back from finals it’ll be the same thing. He can handle a relationship along with college.”

“I’m not questioning Rafe’s intelligence,” Ward said, a slight edge to his words. “I’m questioning your role in his life.”

Your grip tightened on the mug in an effort not to drop it, but you felt at this rate you might break the ceramic instead. “I’m sorry Mr. Cameron, but I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation for us to have. Enjoy the rest of your morning.”

You kept your gaze trained straight ahead as you walked past him, on a steady path to Rafe’s room to get away from a middle-aged man’s high school drama. You knew that this would happen eventually, but you thought you would get a little more time to prepare before he did his whole thing. Ward Cameron, just as Rafe told you, was a whole different kind of father.

Rafe was just waking up when you entered his room again, and you made a point of closing the door before leaning up against it with a huff. He frowned as he sat up, and amusement poked holes in your anger at the sight of him. Messy hair, that look in his eyes that says he was slightly out of it, and a morning voice that was near lethal when he speaks. “Why’re you up so early? Now I’m up too, at—” he squinted as he looked at the clock on his bedside table, “—6:47. On winter break.”

You rolled your eyes, hiding your smile as you sipped your coffee. “I can’t help it. You should be a heavier sleeper.”

“Whatever,” he mumbled, and he let himself fall back down onto the mattress. “I can’t even go back to sleep because I’m in planning mode.”

You hummed into your cup, amused. “Really? Planning mode? What, are you gonna draw up a house in front of me?”

Rafe snorted. “No, it means that you’re gonna have to deal with everything I’ve been coming up with to save us from the onslaught that is my parents trying to get to know the girlfriend.”

“Ah,” you said with a nod. “Hit me with it.”

“I’m sorry to say that the grace period of your visit is over,” he said. “Any chance my parents get, they’re going to be drilling us — mostly you, really — about our relationship. But, I can get us out of a lot of the day stuff by going around the island, showing you new things and shit. And luckily for you, I already texted my friends last night, and they’re down to hang out today.”

You pursed your lips and nodded slowly. “About that. Your friends — sounds great. Love it. Your parents — not great. Your dad’s already tried to Big Bad Wolf his way into my head.”

Rafe immediately sat up and looked at you, his brows creased in concern. “He— okay, what does that mean?”

You chuckled. “He tried to intimidate me, Rafe. But it’s not like it worked — I mean, those tactics lose a lot of weight when we’re not even together.”

“Still,” he pushed, “it’s not okay for him to talk to you like that. Especially on our second day here— god, he really has no boundaries. He barely even knows you and he’s already trying to get in your head—”

“Rafe,” you interrupted, giving him a pointed look. “It’s okay. I’m just telling you because I think it’s kind of ridiculous how bad he is at being subtle. He really just comes out, guns blazing.” You lowered your voice to Ward’s timbre. “What are your intentions with my son? I don’t understand what happiness is.”

Rafe huffed a laugh but the concern didn't leave his gaze. “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Yes,” you reassured, “I’m perfectly fine. If anything, it’s prepared me for the inevitable family dinner tonight.”

Rafe groaned as he finally pulled himself out of bed, picking up the shirt he threw on the floor the night before and tugging it on. “God, don’t remind me or I’m gonna end up day drinking.”

“Don’t worry — I’ll keep you sober until at least noon,” you said with a smile. “Now what were you saying about those friends?”

It took a few more hours — mostly of Rafe waking himself up — before the two of you were ready to go. You spent the time talking through your relationship (you updated him on the additions to the backstory) and he told you some about his friends.

Topper and Kelce — you remembered some things about them from stories Rafe had told, but you didn’t really know anything, apart from some stupid things they did at parties when they were still in high school. Rafe was sure that they would like you, but it was going to come with a lot of teasing on their part. You could deal with that.

You were adding a few finishing touches to your appearance when Rafe called your name and you looked up from the bathroom mirror. “Put this on,” he said, and he threw something over to you that you just managed to catch.

“Why?” you frowned, holding it up in front of you to see that it was one of his favorite flannel hoodies. “I have my own jackets.”

“Come on, you’ve dated guys before, I’ve dated girls before. All girlfriends are hoodie thieves.”

“Oh my god,” you laughed, and you shook your head. “I’ve never been to a country club before, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t appropriate attire.”

He shrugged. “Your dress is perfect for it; you can just take it off when we get there. I just don’t want you to be cold on the way.”

You just smiled. “You’re really going all in on this, huh?”

“My livelihood’s at stake, babe,” Rafe said with mock austerity. “I’m gonna need you to put it on — this is serious business.”

You snorted and rolled your eyes, but you slipped it on over your outfit anyways. It was surprisingly comfortable, and it smelled faintly of Rafe’s cologne. “Is it within my roomie privileges to take your sweatshirts once we get back home?” you asked as you walked out of the bathroom. “Because this is maximum luxury.”

“After going through this with me, you can have whatever hoodies you want, free of charge,” he chuckled. Rafe glanced in the mirror as he ran a hand through his hair, doing his thing where he tried to make it messy enough to look natural but styled enough to be presentable. You caught yourself looking and immediately averted your eyes, instead adjusting the strings on the hoodie as you followed him out the door.

The house was surprisingly empty when everyone was off doing their own thing — in a place this big, it was almost unnerving. The distance from Rafe’s room to the kitchen was basically the size of your apartment, but where your home was always filled with warmth of your mother and the music of everyday activities, Tanneyhill was devastatingly cold.

Maybe that spark of sympathy was what led you to slip your hand into Rafe’s without thinking. Though he glanced at you in surprise at first, it melted into a smile as he squeezed your hand and led you outside. You were almost disappointed when you reached his truck and he let go, but you pushed that away as quickly as possible as you got in the passenger side.

Just friends.

“So,” Rafe started as he backed out of the driveway, “we’re meeting at the country club. Kelce and Top don’t know anything about you, only the stuff that’s popped up when I’ve told ‘em stories that you’ve ended up in. They’re… honestly pretty good at detecting bullshit, especially when it comes to me. So I hope your lying is up to par.”

“Please,” you scoffed, “I’ll have you know I played an amazing Eponine in Les Mis sophomore year — I know exactly how to act like I’m in love with a guy. And if you need me to fake getting shot, I can do that too.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Good to know that we have options, but I don’t think it’s gonna get that bad. Just be yourself and they’ll love you — I know it.” Rafe smiled and you responded in kind.

The drive to the country club was quicker than you thought it would be, but you felt oddly prepared as you walked inside with Rafe, once again holding hands. You stopped at the hostess’s stand, and a few seconds later a woman walked up holding a stack of menus.

“Welcome to Kildare Country Club,” she said with a smile. “What can I help you with today?”

“There should be a reservation under Cameron?” Rafe said, his eyes darting around as he looked for his friends. “Two people might be here already, um— Topper Thornton and Kelce Smith.”

She nodded and pointed to the outside seating area. “They’re over there; should be the third table from the left.”

“Thanks.” Rafe pulled a bill out of his pocket, and you saw the twenty on it as he put it on the stand. “Have a good day.”

Her eyes widened slightly and she nodded, and as you started to walk off you nudged Rafe with your elbow. “That’s a generous tip. Am I rubbing off on you?”

He shrugged with a small smile. “I’ve been trying to be better about it.”

“Cameron!”

Your attention was drawn to the voice, the source of it a tall blonde who screamed frat boy. From pictures you knew he was Topper, and the dark-skinned guy behind him was Kelce. They were both wearing polos and khaki shorts, and you had to hold back a laugh. If you looked up country club in the dictionary, there would probably be a picture of them there.

Rafe grinned as he went over to them, hugging both boys then launching into an elaborate handshake. This time, you couldn’t stifle your laughter.

“You’re a total nerd,” you joked, and that earned you both boys’ attention as huge grins took over.

“Holy shit,” Topper said. “Kelce, it’s the girl.”

“You finally did it,” Kelce laughed, hitting Rafe on his shoulder. “Congrats, man. Never thought you’d actually get the guts.”

You chuckled a little bit, giving Rafe a slightly odd look before nodding a greeting to both boys. They couldn’t get those ridiculous smiles off their face, and so you nudged Rafe to get him to explain. He was knocked out of his one-sided glaring contest as he looked at you, and you gestured with your head at the two of them. Thankfully, he understood it.

“Let’s just get to the table,” he said as he slid an arm around your waist, “before you two start acting like even bigger idiots.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Kelce held up his hands as the four of you started walking. “You just didn’t mention you’d be bringing your girl.”

“Or that she was the girl,” Topper added, and Rafe just shook his head as you all reached the table. You didn’t expect it when he pulled out your chair for you, and you tried to hide your amusement as you sat down. You were starting to really dig the benefits of this fake dating thing.

He took his own seat next to you and, after a small smile at you, looked at his friends. “Top, Kelce, by how annoying you’re already acting I assume you know, but this is Y/N, my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, it’s about time.” Topper turned to you and inclined his head. “He has not shut up around you since freshman year. I thought he was going to die before he actually asked you out.”

“Shut up, man.” Rafe tried to flick Topper’s arm across the table but he just raised his hands in defense, his self-satisfied smile remaining.

“It’s nice to meet you both,” you said, jumping in an attempt to save Rafe from some embarrassment. “I’ve heard a lot about you two; all good things.”

“And we have heard a lot about you,” Kelce said. “But you should probably go over some stuff again, so we can hear it without Rafe’s lovesick filter.”

Rafe groaned and put his head in his hands. “You guys are the worst.”

You laughed but decided to indulge them anyway. “Well, I’m Y/N, like you already know. I go to Chapel Hill with Rafe, and I’m a humanities major on a pre-med track. I’m uh— I’m from Raleigh, and I’ve never been to the Outer Banks before, but it’s pretty great so far.”

“Pre-med?” Topper raised his eyebrows and looked at Rafe. “Sounds like she’s too smart for you.”

“That’s because she is,” Rafe said. “She’s already starting to apply to med schools, and she got a 522 on her MCAT! She is a genius, Topper.”

You felt your cheeks flush and you shook your head. “Stop, Rafe. I’m not.”

“This is one time where you don’t have to be humble, babe.” Rafe took your hand and turned to his friends. “She almost got a full ride to Chapel Hill on merit scholarships, and she’s gonna be a kickass doctor once she graduates.”

You bit back your smile, but the heat continued to rise in your cheeks. It did feel pretty good to have someone brag about you, especially after everything you had gone through to get to where you were.

“You wanna be a doctor?” Kelce asked. You nodded, and he grinned. “Sick. One of my cousins is an RN; she graduated from Vanderbilt a couple years ago for med school.”

“Really?” Your eyes lit up as you leaned forward. “I’m applying there! I’m hoping for Johns Hopkins, but Vanderbilt’s been on my list for a while. I’ve also really been looking into Southern California.”

“Oh, god,” Topper muttered. “Rafe, this is gonna go on for a while. Wanna go get drinks?”

Rafe glanced at you and when you nodded, he nodded. “Uh, sure. Just try not to talk her ear off, Kelce.”

You perked up. “Oh, can you get me—”

“A Mai Tai?” Rafe finished, and you grinned. “Yeah.”

“You know me so well.”

“I try.” Rafe hesitated for a moment as he stood up, and then he leaned in and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek. You quickly covered your surprise up with a half smile, and he mouthed ‘sorry’ with a slightly harried expression as he walked off with Topper.

“Well, good luck with Johns Hopkins,” Kelce said. “If you’re anything like Rafe’s described, then I’m sure you’ll be able to get in.”

Your smile grew and you nodded. “Thanks, Kelce. I really hope so.” You paused for a second, trying to find the words for your question. “Um, what has he said about me? To you and Topper.”

“I don’t really know if it’s my business to tell you, but let me just say that he is really into you. But…” Kelce sighed and his expression sobered. “You should know that my boy’s had it bad for you, for a long time. You obviously mean a lot to him if he’s bringing you home for Christmas, because he has never done it with a girl before. I think you’re one of the only ones he’s introduced to his family too. So… just don’t mess with him. I can tell you’re a good person, so I don’t think you will, but…” he trailed off, the implication hanging in the air.

You didn’t know what to say to that. What could you say to that? Rafe has liked you since freshman year, or at the very least has had feelings for you at some point. But now you were acting as his fake date until New Year’s, and meeting his friends and family along the way. What did that mean for this whole thing?

You decided to ignore the whole thing, at least for now. You would deal with it later when you weren’t in front of an audience.

“Yeah,” you nodded, “of course. I would never hurt Rafe. I… I really care about him. I still can’t really believe that we’re together, honestly. It feels like a dream.”

Kelce smiled and you did too, but as it turned slightly coy you decided to ask the question that had been bugging you since it was brought up. “Did he really talk about me that much?”

He laughed. “Oh my god, constantly. Ever since this one party he went to freshman year, he wouldn’t stop talking about this girl that he met that, and I quote, rocked his world.”

You laughed as well, and when your fingers brushed your cheek you could feel all the heat that had gathered there. For the love of god, you needed to relax.

You just started taking your sweatshirt— Rafe’s sweatshirt, you reminded yourself— when he and Topper got back to the table, carrying a whole lot of drinks between them.

“One Mai Tai for the lady,” Rafe said, placing the glass in front of you, “and a fuck ton of shots for the rest of us.”

“Oh my god.” Your eyes widened slightly as Topper and Rafe placed down a combined ten shots, and you looked at your watch. “Guys, it’s 12:34; it is not late enough for shots. What’s even in there?”

Topper smiled. “Vodka. And this one,” he pushed the extra glass in your direction, “is for you. Think of it as your OBX rite of passage.”

You shook your head but the beginnings of a smile found its way onto your lips. “I can’t believe you’re all doing shots at noon, vodka at that.”

“Hey,” Kelce started as he picked up his own shot, “they do bottomless mimosas here every morning, which means they want you to get drunk before noon. We’re just subverting expectations by doing it thirty minutes after.”

You rolled your eyes and sighed. “Fine. But only this, because I have a feeling I’m gonna end up driving home.”

“Don’t worry,” Rafe said as he clinked your shots together with a smile, “I’ll make sure you don’t get too drunk.”

“I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count if you drink more than me.” You threw back your shot and your entire face immediately scrunched up as you set the glass on the table, regret instantly hitting you. “I forgot how much I hated vodka,” you winced.

“You’re such a lightweight,” Rafe joked, looking completely unaffected just like Kelce and Topper.

“Oh, you love it,” you retorted.

“Yeah,” Rafe agreed with a smile, “I do.”

You only managed to hide one of your own by taking a sip of your drink, completely oblivious to the very knowing looks Topper and Kelce were giving each other as you and Rafe basically beamed at each other.

“You guys gotta get a room,” Kelce interrupted, and you choked on your drink. That was enough to break the temporary reverie.

All that shit Kelce told you was throwing you for a spin, but it obviously didn’t mean anything. It was freshman year — you’d changed a lot in two years, and there was no doubt Rafe had too. He didn’t like you anymore, at least not like that. You were sure of it.

Besides. What kind of idiot asked his former crush to fake date him?

You ended up spending a lot more time with Kelce and Topper than you thought you would, but then again — the conversation also flowed a lot easier than you thought it would. You talked more about yourself, Topper and Kelce told you stupid stories about Rafe when he was younger, and a hefty amount of teamwork between you and your fake boyfriend kept the relationship talk to a minimum.

It wasn’t until four hours later when Rafe got a text from Rose asking him to come home to help set things up for dinner that you had to say goodbye to the boys, and only after a whole lot of last minute teasing crammed in by Kelce and Topper.

With the keys to Rafe’s truck in one hand — after his fourth shot you decided to stop a quarter of the way through your own drink to officially take over DD status — and his own hand intertwined in the other, the two of you walked out to the parking lot. It was then that you finally burst, the questions that had been piling on top of each other toppling over almost the second you were far enough away from the country club.

“Oh my god, Rafe—”

“Don’t even say it,” he muttered, but you couldn’t bite back your laughter.

“You had a crush on me!” you exclaimed, giving him a playful shove. “That is so embarrassing!”

He laughed and glanced at you. “How is that embarrassing?

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, “it just is. I mean, I didn’t know you constantly talked about me—”

Rafe shook his head again, and it was then that he seemed to realize you two were still holding hands, because he let go to run one through his hair. “They exaggerated. They just like to make fun of me, and now that they have a hot girl to do it in front of, they’re relentless.”

You grinned at him as you came to a stop in front of his truck, leaning against the side of the car in an attempt to mimic him. “You think I’m hot?”

Rafe groaned, but the smile and slight pink tint on his cheeks gave away his amusement. “Just get in the car.”

“Sure, sure,” you relented. You got in on the driver’s side and put on your seatbelt, waiting to start the car until he did the same. “But seriously — this was like, an all-in-one day. You babe’d me, bragged about me, and kissed me. I think we’re definitely ready for tonight.”

“You’re impossible, you know that?”

“I try.” But you backed out of the spot, you couldn’t help but glance at him with a mischievous smile. “Good to know I rocked your world though.”

He put his head in his hands with yet another groan. “I’m never letting you near my friends again.”

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77 @simonsbluee @kwyloz @masteroperator

obx: @milkiane @lilgoddesshines

series: @aaleksmorozova @everyonesannoyedwithme @sunnysidee-up @onlygetaway @itsalexwin @hanniebee33

#rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe x reader #rafe cameron #rafe cameron obx #rafe cameron fic #rafe fic #outer banks #obx #outer banks x reader #obx x reader #rafe cameron series #sadie writes

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maki-s-wife · 3 years

Text

Our favorite senior

Pairing: students of Jujustu high x gender neutral!reader

Warnings: none

Y/n is finally graduating from Jujustu high and the rest of the students worry that they’ll never see them again when they are busy with work.

ALSO the word “soulmates” is used in this but it’s platonic tho-

“Y/n~” Nobara sang. You looked up from from your book to see the rest of the students crowding around you. “What are all you doing here?” You ask. They seemed to be serious which could mean one of two things. One the situation is serious or two they did something serious and need you to fix it again. Usually it was always the ladder. “Do you wanna come hang out with us?” itadori asked. You squinted, you’ve known everyone long enough to always question their motives. “Where?” “Just the shopping district” Maki answered. There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with the shopping district and plus you had been wanting to buy some new clothes. “Alright that doesn’t seem bad, just let me get ready”.

The rest of the students let out a huge sigh of relief as you walked to your dorm. “I told you she’d agree” panda said whipping the obvious sweat from his face. He wasn’t the only one worried. All of them had been worried that as soon as you left you would forget about them. It was a sad thought that hovered over their heads as your time at Jujustu high was coming to an end. Nobara and yuuji were more jealous that they only knew you for the time of the school year. The second years knew you for almost two and Megumi had probably known you the longest. Gojo had introduced you to him and a bond was instantly formed. Though they all had in common that when you met them you immediately took them under your wing. You were like Jujustu high’s older sibling, always being there for your underclassmen no matter what.

“Do you guys really think they’ll forget us?” Yuuji pouted, you were like family to him now and the thought of you really leaving forever haunted him. Nobara hit his head and spoke “jeez your getting to emotional over this”. Everyone looked over to Nobara who’s eyes were so watery the sun glinted in them 10x more. “SPEAK FOR YOURSELF” yuuji choked out. Toge just sulked. He would miss how you’d tolerate his playful antics. Maki was also just pouting at the ground. You and her had that bond that no other could replace. Almost like you two were soulmates. Panda had looked up to you greatly, probably training with you the most was feeling emotional over the thought of you really forgetting him and the others. Megumi wouldn’t let it show but he was pretty glum at the moment. Knowing you for the longest and probably knew you the best out of the group even worried about him fading from your mind.

You walked outside to see everyone silently standing in a circle. They were all hunched over even Megumi who never slacks when it comes to posture. Slowly creeping up behind the group you hear small sniffles. Pushing your head in between Nobara and yuuji’s you asked “are you guys ok?”. Everyone jumped at the same time. When they came back down they all looked normal. “Of course were fine why would we be sad” maki spoke. “Tuna tuna” Toge agreed. Shrugging off the odd encounter you all went to the shopping area for the remainder of the day until it got dark.

You all laughed and played around on your way home. All of you held large bags of clothes, accessories and sweets to bring back for Gojo as Nobara walked freely with a small bag with a pair of earrings and other pieces of jewelry that probably drained gojo’s credit card.

You wiped away the tear from laughing. “This has got to be the best day ever” you said pulling everyone close to you. They all smiled, it truly was a great day but the thought of this being one of the last few times you’d say that to them. Soon you would be making new memories replacing the ones they had with you with others. Others that matched your skill and would always be working with you.

They hadn’t noticed it but you had been staring at them as their smiles faltered and the glint in their eyes left. Had they not had a great time? No. They were probably just tired. You all spent the day walking they probably just want to rest.

After arriving back to the school everyone said their goodnights and left to their rooms. You walked back and threw yourself on your bed. Going on your phone you looked through the pictures of today and old ones from the past months. Your adored those memories with your whole heart. You found a couple with yuuta in them. you missed Yuuta, though you didn't know him in person that long you both surprisingly stayed in contact while he was out and about in other countries. you placed your phone down. There was a mission you had to go on tomorrow and you didn’t want to be tired when it was time to wake up.

The next morning everyone woke up and went to the kitchen and saw many large stacks of pancakes with a note.

Good morning everyone, I have a mission to go on and I probably won’t be back until tomorrow. I hope you enjoy breakfast and don’t die while I’m gone :)

Their eyes started to water as they ate the pancakes. Itadori going on how deli it was while maki told him he’d choke if he kept talking. You were always the best at making them food. When you learned one or more of them hadn’t ate you always whipped something up quickly. There was never a time where they doubted you were the ultimate older sibling of this school, as you even cared for Gojo sometimes no matter how annoying he was. You’d help ijichi with his errands and hang out with principle yaga’s cursed corpses. Helping shoko with paper work and general healing people.

“Oh I can’t take this anymore” Nobara wailed. Megumi looked down. “I doubt y/n would forget about us”. Everyone looked up at him. “How can you know that” yuuji wined. “Just trust me I’m sure she won’t...”

The answer and the silence they came after it wasn’t very comforting. Toge and Panda didnt want to say anything, they had no clue what to say. No matter how many memories you could make with a person it was always possible to forget them. They all believed that’s what would happen with you.

The rest of the day went by slow. Gojo could sense something seemed wrong and before he could even ask why the group hovered over your bed in silence Nobara yelled at the top of her lungs for him to get out. Gojo simply walked away not wanting to make her more mad.

The slideshow had to be one of the worst they could make but still planned on presenting it to you on your last day.

“When IS y/n’s last day here?” Megumi asked. Maki tapped her cheek thinking. Toge’s eyes went wide and jumped up to the calendar hanging from the wall. He remembered when the last seniors graduated and then pointed to the next day on the calender. He frantically started walking around the room muttering words no one could hear. Everyone started getting teary-eyed, walking back and forth, saying random things. Everything was out of order. They thought they’d have at least another week with you and couldn’t handle the sudden change. They all paused when they heard the door open. Maki and Nobara were about to yell for Gojo to leave the room when they noticed it was YOU.

“How are you back here so early, you were gone for less than 6 hours” panda questioned. You blinked a couple times. “Well...the mission was easier than I thought but why are you all in my room and why are you all crying”. You were confused but concerned most of all.

"Guys-"

"PLEASE DONT FORGET ABOUT US" itadori and Nobara sang in unison. toge and panda repeatedly nodded their heads. the four were on their knees begging while Maki and Megumi stood awkwardly. "your gonna leave and then just forget about us in a couple months that's all" Maki said averting her eyes from your confused figure.

"what do you all mean? how the hell could I forget you guys" you said as you bent down and bought the four students up. "I love you guys and I couldn't forget my time with you all even if I wanted to which I never would!" you said pulling everyone into a close hug again. "But-" "There's no buts itadori and besides I'm not exactly leaving". Everyone looked at you with confusion. Toge staring at you menacingly trying to sense if you were lying. "DID YOU GET HELD BACK" Nobara gasped. You chuckled "of course not, after a couple of months I'll be coming back as a teacher". Panda picked you in a bone crushing hug and everyone followed.

"your our favorite senior" Itadori exclaimed.

you wheezed for a laugh as you were in a very tight hug. "I'm your Only senior, but you all are my favorite underclassmen....now I won't live long enough to buy you all treats if I don't get down-"

#jujustu kaisen #yuuji itadori x reader #maki zenin x reader #toge inumaki x reader #inumaki x reader #panda x reader #nobara kugisaki x reader #saturo gojo #ijichi kiyotaka #shoko leiri #megumi x reader

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rocky-the-rockstar · 2 years

Text

Ok so for the first time in???? a v e r y long time ive been in a great place mentally and while it isnt perfect, I have noticed so much improvement and I feel like I could use some more positive posts like this so I wanted to write down

Things Ive done lately that have helped my mental health drastically

Coming out as trans

chopping off my hair

cleaning my depression room

decorating my room so that it feels more like my space

dancing around my room like a dork ass loser :)

getting and taking care of plants

spending more time outside, started building stick forts again, got a dog

ok this is really obvious but it was a big step: eating

learning to be ok with my body as it is (thanks to Dionysus)

learning to not give a shit about what other people think about me and laugh things off (Also thanks to Dionysus!!!!)

finding a religion that I feel safe in and that motivates me to take care of myself

indulging in things that I had liked as a kid but then pushed away for "being cringey" or whatever. The outcomes of this have been 1: i heal whatever unhealthy/unwanted/repressed connection i had with them and comfortably let them go, 2: am able to enjoy them again, or 3: catch up with them, remember good times, move on. I dunno this has been good for my inner child or whatever.

reading physical books again, regain an interest in academics (which slowly is leading to doing better in school. Ironically its the last month of school)

trying to express my appreciation for my friends more often

planning a future with my best friend

trying to find freedom rather than anxiety in independence and almost being an adult (This is the hardest one. Im 17 and I dont even know how to drive yet because of how bad my anxiety about it is, but i am slowly making progress and finding motivation to learn and overcome it)

Ive never felt so at peace I cant describe it. For the first time literally ever I've accepted the fact Im almost 18 and am comfortable with that. For the first time in years I can see myself having a life past 19. I feel at peace with both my childhood and my future and it's such a new feeling ahhhHHHhhHHhHh

#personal post #mental health #/pos #hopefully i can continue adding to this in a positive way

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daddynegandesires · 3 years

Text

Secrets chapter 3

Summary: ellies birthday and mothers day is coming up as emotions and pent up anger are spiraling between you, negan, and jack while more and more secrets begin to unfold.

18+

Warming: nsfw, fluff, kink, depression, abuse

Sorry for the late update on this chapter its kind of a short one ive just have been going through some personal things and havent found the motivation to finish this one yet.❤ i hope you all like it!❤

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You and negan haven't spoke in a few days ellies birthday is today and you have been busy decorating. Negan is suppose to be picking up the cake at the store. jack has returned back from his "business trip" withq an odd hickey on his neck that keeps gawking at you everytime you speak to him. You want to avoid conflict because you arent so innocent yourself after what happen with negan last time you saw him but thats just not who you are....you have to confront him but you also dont want to ruin ellies day infront of everyone.

"Hey jack, do you mind helping me with this streamer" you called out to him from the ladder

"Sure hun" he took the streamer from your hand taping it up to the wall

"Thank you.....uh negan should be here soon with her cake" you said folding up the step ladder

"I could of went and grabbed it" he scoffs

"I uh..well sorry i didnt know it was a big deal" you try to laugh it off politely

"Dont even worry about it...." He walks past you ramming his ahoulder into you heading outside

Negan had arrive with the cake and so did a few of ellies friends and your mother. You and your mothers relationship really has never been that great but you try to make peace with it for ellies sake. Negan came in with a huge gift box all wrapped in pink with a bow.

" i thought we agreed nothing crazy" you whispered to him

"Whaat...can i not spoil my girl" negan grins at you

Ellie runs out of her room her eyes light up at the size of the gift her dad got her.

"Mommy look at this...its humongo!" She says messing with the bow

"I see honey..dont mess with it yet" you giggle

"Where is your boy toy.." His tongue slides across his bottom lip

You kept silent while negan stared you down waiting for a response but nothing came out his eyes were burning a hole through you he always knew when shit was up.

"Ah i see....the silent treatment" folding his arms

Negan walks off to go play with ellie and say hello to a few people when your mother walks up to you.

"Hey mom..." You say emotionless

"What is negan doing here.." She asks

"Mom...please dont. Thats ellies dad. I told you we are trying to work on things for ellies sake" you say annoyed.

"Well...once a cheater always a cheater. Im just saying" as she sips on her cup of wine walking away

A few hours have passed and ellie got to blow out her candles and eat cake. Jack still hasnt said much to you throughout the whole party and its more than obvious that negan is starting to catch on im just hoping he doesn't notice the hicky on his neck. Ellie has been bugging you about negans gift so you were going to let her open it.

"Ellie open it up over here sweetie so everyone can see" you say smiling

Ellie quikly rips the hot pink rapping paper off and squeals in excitement as she realizes its a electric scooter that she has been wanting. Negan was standing by your side with his hand sneakily rested on your lower back with a huge smile on his face.

"Oh my god you got me that scooter!!" Ellie begins jumping up and down

"Negan....those cost alot" you whispered in his ear

"dont worry about it....i got it taken car of" he says sternly

"Lets take it outside!!" Negans runs over and picks it up in excitment with all of the kids following him outside to ride on the scooter. You were throwing away dirty plates when jack came up to you

"So you want to explain why you and negan have been so close" he quietly says to you

You instantly start to burn with rage as he asks you that knowing he has been keeping things from you too and the fact his assistant melissa has been speaking to him inappropriately. You were holing the knife in your hand for cutting the cake reminding you of the incident that happened between you and negan once you found out he was cheating. you froze and gripped tightly on the knife thinking of how to approach this.

"You're a fucking whore..." He spat at you

"Jack.....get the fuck away from me" you quietly say

"Yeah i bet thats what you want.....so he can fuck you" he says through gritted teeth

"Its. Ellies. Birthday.....fucking knock it off we can settle this later" you slowly set the knife down unclenching your fist

Jack stands there glaring at you with his jaw clecnhed before giving up and walking away. You let out a sigh of relief and pour yourself a glass of wine. You take a sip closing your eyes feeling like everything is going in slomotion in that moment when you here yelling outside and notice its negan and jack. You drop your glass spilling your wine everywhere running outside.

"Back the fuck off man!" Jack yells with his fist balled up

"Ohh...you really want to go there dude..." Negan laughs

"You are fucking (y/n) and i know it!" Jack lunges towards him throwing a punch hitting negan in the face making him stumble

Negan catches his balace reaching up to his face touching where jack punched him in the mouth realizing he is bleeding negan licks the blood off his lips and lets out a sinister almost scary deep chuckle.

"Oh...you fucked up." Negan lunges towards jack football tackling him to the ground he starts punching jack over and over again blood all over his fists

"Negan!!!...no! Stop!" You rush over trying to pry negan off of jack

"Negan stop for ellie please!" You begin to cry struggling to finally get him off causing you to fall backwards with negan on you

"You are a dead fucking man!....now get the fuck off my property..." Negan threats

You push negan off to go check on jack you try to get jack to respond to you and see if he is okay but he just spits in your face shoving you away causing you to fall before you know it negan charges back over and starts beating the shit out of him all you can do is scream at them and cry. Through tear filled eyes you notice the cops rushing up the street pulling into the drive way the last thing you remember is the cops pulling negan off and everything went black.

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Jack and negan were both arrested but were soon let go apparently i had fainted due to stress and dehydration they kept me in the hospital until i was better. You kicked jack out of the house and you haven't spoke to negan since ellies birthday. Things have been rough being alone for ahwile and ellie was getting upset about not seeing her dad.

Text from negan:

Hey....im coming by

You looked at your phone to see a text from negan but you just ignored it and continued to cook some food for ellie. There was a knock at the door you sighed annoyingly before unlocking the deadbolt and opening the door to negans innocent brown eyes staring back at you. before you could give him a chance to speak you shut the door in his face but he quickly caught it in time with his foot in the doorway before it closed.

"Negan...ellie should be home. She is still upset" you sigh

"Thats okay i want to make it up to you two" he says pushing the door open coming inside

You just stand there silent with your arms crossed untill you hear ellies bus coming down the road and before you know it she busts through the door yelling.

"Mommmyyyy! Happy mothers dayzz!" Ellies runs up to you handing you a picture she made at school

"Awe...thank you sweet heart its gorgeous" you took the pink paper from her smiling and when to hang it on the fridge

"Look i want to take you two out to dinner...its mothers day and you deserve it..look i know i fucked up but that asshole had it coming" negan says

"Negan dont.....go ask Ellie she is the real one you need to be apologizing to not me" you stare at the ground avoiding eye contact.

"Ohh ellie daddy wants to talk to you!" He walks off to her room

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You, negan, and ellie were all out at dinner at your favorite steakhouse enjoying your meal when the waiter brought a bottle of wine

"Negan....i cant afford that" you quietly say

"Ah ah....you deserve it i mean you are the best mom ever" he winks at you popping the lid off pouring wine into your glass

"Thanks..." You shyly say before taking a sip

"So.....the school fired me" negan cleared his throat

You choked on your drink hearing the words that had just came out of negans mouth

"What?..how come" you say wipping wine off your chin

"Well....they dont want me as a coach anymore since what happened at ellies birthday. They say its wildly inappropriate and against policy to still have me there" he bites in his steak

"What are you going to do..." You ask worried

"Ohhh no biggie i always have things taken care of" he smiles at you

"If you need anything im here..." You look up at him

" i know....thank you" he reaches across the table holding your hand

The three of you finish up dinner afterwards you all go for a late walk through the park. It felt nice to get out and have some fresh air after what happended at the party. Your phone kept buzzing off the hook of texts from jack you kept trying to hide it from negan to not let him worry. You felt bad hiding it from negan but you knew it would start a fight but you also didnt want to let jack go without some talking. Negan took you and ellie back home ellie ran inside and got ready for bed.

"I know he is talking to you..." Negan says sternly while placing one hand against the wall beside your head

"Negan....can we not talk about this right now" you say turning your head away from him

"No!...you will look at me when im speaking to you" negan grabs ahold of your chin forcing you to look at him

"Yes....yes im still talking to him.." You say embarassed

"Why....he is such a load of whoreshit....im standing right infront of you (y/n)...im here now! Take me back please. Im an honest man now!" Negan growls

" get...off of me!" You scream and shove him away from you and begin to walk angrily down the road

"(Y/n) get back here now!...where the fuck do you think you are going!" Negan trys to catch up with you when it suddenly starts raining

"Negan stop trying so hard!...this is going nowhere!" You say crying

"Why do you keep saying that!...i want this to work!" Negan finally catches up to you grabbing you by the arm spinning you around

"......well i dont..." You choked on those words as they slipped out of your mouth it felt like your heart had just stopped for a split second it killed you to say that to negan but it had to be done

"You....dont want this." He said quietly and upset with rain drops running down his perfect face

"Negan....i.... I cant. You have to let me go" you say caressing his face" you said giving him a half smile with a single tear rolling down your cheek

"W....what about ellie.....thats my babygirl" Negan begans to tear up pulling you into a hug

"You can still be in ellies life.....i start therapy next tuesday" you say ending the hug

"You can talk to me (y/n)" negan sniffles

"There are just things that just feel easier letting out to a stranger sometimes..."

"I love you....." Negan says bresthlessly

"....i love you too but from a distance.....i have boundaries set now negan"

You and negan began to walk back to the house getting inside you hand him a towel to dry himself off. Negan follows you to the bedroom.

"There are still some of your clothes in the closet...." You say facing away from him

"You still have some of my old clothes here...." Negan opens the door seeing his shirts still hanging in the same spot before he moved out

"I didnt know if you still wanted them or not..." You say nervously

"Its okay. Thank you" negan takes off his soaking wet shirt switching it out with an old faded band shirt

"You can sleep on the couch if you would like..." You offer him

"You sure you are going to be okay with that?" He raises an eyebrow at you

"Yeah....plus its been lonely here just me and ellie" you chuckle handing him a blanket

Negan takes the blanket from you before turing around to open the bedroom door to leave. As soon as the door shut you quietly sobbed making sure it wasnt loud enough for negan to hear. You wiped your tears away before getting yourself ready for bed. You tossed and turned for most of the night your head filled with unnecessary thoughts and cenarios. You just wanted all of this pain to go away you dont know what you are doing with yourself anymore the only thing that keeps you holding on is ellie and negan.

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#negan imagine #negan x reader #negan x you #negan fanfic #negan #jeffrey dean morgan

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halinski · 3 years

Text

I have a lot of feelings about Buck, like don't even ask, I will never be able to put it into words or anything other than abstract feelings in this world

I just know this, Eddie loves Buck and Buck is ace and Taylor is a relapse ✌️

"You've been shutting me out."

It's ironic, Eddie thinks, that these exact words come now 20 minutes after the black out, which felt like maybe the world had shut down. They were stuck mid rescue in an elevator and well, the world had been such a whirlwind since he'd been shot, and this emergency and that- but now it had stopped. And they'd succumbed to their fate, sat down on the dingy elevator floor, bathed in a red back up light, the building silent around them. Out there, somewhere, a siren rang, and Buck sighed.

It was deep and heavy, like he was Atlas lifting the world off his shoulders for a break, something like relief, like that first deep shuddering breath when your lungs finally recovered from a run. It was way too heavy for a young man, barely thirty, who was finding himself. Eddie knew that Buck had been fighting lately. Mostly himself, but also his parents and past, and pushing past the boundaries of life that had been set around him. Then there was the shooting and Buck had truly been nerve-wrecked, Eddie was far from blind, and hell, he'd been a little preoccupied with figuring himself out, and recovering, letting go and paving the way for a future with no regrets- but he'd seen Buck. It was harder to look away at this point.

But he had, because the world had been spinning and Buck had been putting enough pressure on himself, becoming an uncle, and taking care of Chris with full abandon, and therapy and... Taylor. Eddie hadn't wanted to push too hard.

Now that they were here though, just the two of them...

Buck's looking at him, that irritated lost puppy stare, vulnerable and defiant all at once, like Eddie was the first to venture into certain spaces that made up Evan Buckley. It was a deliberant choice, at this point. Back in the beginning, he'd just reached out a hand and had been surprised to find an anchor to the world he'd never knew existed, and now he ventured further deliberately.

It hadn't been a question, and even so Buck looked ready to fight him, a last defensive wall, before he caved and those murky blue eyes dropped away. Full submission.

Eddie waited, opening up the room and hoping for his partner in crime and rescue to fill it and yet... Buck only shrugged weakly.

"Things have been..." He started half-heartedly, losing motivation half-way through and concluding with a disheartened, "busy." Eddie watched him busy himself with the callouses on his palm, picking and rubbing, as if he could erase the last few weeks of running himself ragged.

There had definitely been a lot less mentions of calls to Dr. Copeland lately, a lot of unfocused Buck, who was making himself smaller, less noticeable and quieter. Not that he was actually quiet, Eddie knew Buck could fill the building with vibrance for the benefit of everyone around within the blink of an eye. But his true emotions dwindled, where they'd slipped out before in shadows of an action, or an obvious plea hidden in drowning eyes - now he was more... Calculated.

And even now, Buck lifted his head again under Eddie's scrutiny in square-jawed surrender as if that was that to this conversation, there was nothing more to be done.

Eddie was not convinced. They'd gotten way too far, the two of them, to slip back down to the trenches in this mud slide. Eddie had found solid footing in his own world, and he was unafraid right here, under private eyes with the one person in the world he trusted most. Solid enough that he could stare right back at the nervous energy Buck was holding back and dare it.

What are you so afraid?

A question he had asked himself many sleepless nights, especially after Carla's little "follow your heart" speech, after he'd laid in bed, heart racing, hearing shots and all he wanted had been to-

All he'd wanted was safety, and he could've kept lying to himself, could've deliriously shouted at the universe that he didn't know where he could ever feel safe again, and yet his own body and heart had long gone betrayed him that day in the hospital just before he'd walked out, explicitly stating that he had signed his heart off to Buck a year ago. He couldn't even call it betrayal, because there wasn't a single cell in his body that doubted his decision, that doubted Buck. He just doubted... Himself.

And maybe that he'd be enough for Buck right now, still. He was so far from his best self, and yet better and more stable than he'd ever been. So he sat and he stared back, arms resting easily in his lap, and challenged.

"Why do you keep going back to her?"

Goddammit, Eddie, way to sound like the most jealous jerk in the world.

Buck winced, eyebrows seeming to ask 'really?' and 'what do you mean?' all at the same time and then shrugging again.

"Taylor?" He asked simply, biding time probably.

"Yeah," Eddie assured, the hum of the emergency light their only company as he waited for Buck to reply.

"She's the only one who really wants me," he said, but the tone of his voice wasn't right. Unconvinced. The admission to easily offered to ring true.

Eddie can't stop the snort of disbelief from escaping him. From all that he's heard about the rust-haired reporter... He couldn't imagine what Buck saw in her. He'd seen the effect of her words on him, saw Buck fall in line behind her with a bowed head, saw how the hurt now flared in Buck's face at his open faced challenge to that statement.

A part of Eddie wanted to grab Buck by the face and scream at him, can't you see?!

You're wanted whole-heartedly by me.

But Buck wasn't his to love yet, not really.

"Look, I don't know what you see on the outside but... She wants me. She chose me and I- what more could I ask for, you know? I'm... I'm working on it. On myself. And for now- this is it," Buck said, rattling it down like he was trying to work it into a checklist.

Eddie just wanted to know what 'it' was supposed to mean. But he nodded, because in a way it did make sense. The same way Ana had made sense, even though she absolutely didn't and he was glad that was over and he could laugh over that foolish affair now.

People had questioned his change of heart when he broke up with her during recovery, but when they'd realized he truly wasn't heartbroken and backsliding, they had taken it in full stride. A little misstep, no great scars taken (well except for the new bullet hole in his shoulder but that didn't really have anything to do with Ana, it just happened to be a part of the same journey heading toward a joined destination) and here they were at a pit stop.

The silence simmered between them, just somewhere right before the cliff, staggering before the precipice toward their comfort zone. It had always taken a little leap from both sides to get them to where they were today. Buck usually happens to fall into his without thinking much, just because he was ready to throw himself in dangers way or alternatively, rushing in out of sense of duty, and making it seem so, so very easy. The way he had walked into Eddie's house and kitchen, stepped right into his space and said: 'i'm here and I'm owning my mistakes because you're worth it' or something of the sort. All Eddie remembered was the care and the genuine emotion he'd felt and... The realization that he'd finally found home.

"It just feels like... You smile less when it comes to her." Eddie still did't really want to say her name. He wasn't about to go out blaming Taylor for all the times Buck was sad- it was just an observation. It took a lot to get Buck to giving up his smile. He hated that Taylor accepted a watered down version of him; bright, bold, and boasting Buck.

"Do I?" Buck asked, a furrowed crease appearing between his eyebrows, truly confused.

Eddie nodded.

"Relationships are always a compromise," Buck offered with a half-hearted twitch of his shoulder. "You know me. We're both pretty stubborn. We butt heads."

Buck flicked his wrist for a useless gaze at his watch. It made them none the wiser about the state of their rescue.

"Yeah, I know you," Eddie retorted gently. "Though, you do tend to have a point."

He could come up with a million examples. Eager, always ready to show up and make it work, Buck. How many times had he burrowed himself into Eddie's skin already with truths that stuck like thorns until Eddie accepted them into his bones.

All he wanted was to return the favor

The man granted him a small, crooked smile. It was crazy how much so little could mean to one person. Desperate, wounded, isolated Buck.

How Eddie wanted to tell him explicitly 'dont do what I did, kid, don't fall back into and habits at first chance just because you don't think you're worth anything else'- there were reasons why it didn't work in the first place. He'd learned the exact same lesson with Shannon. And God, the way Eddie had dragged Buck with him back then, for safety, as he had ranted to him and searched for the answers, only to make the same damn mistake.

That wasn't his life.

And Taylor wasn't Buck's. And Eddie knew this.

Knew from what Buck had told about her the first time she had been around, and from all that Eddie had heard about Buck's relationship to sex. It had turned into a joke at the station, oh, Buck and his self-diagnosed sex addiction, but Eddie recognized that worried little steeple on Bobby's forehead when he reminded everyone that that one therapist wasn't licensed to work for them anymore. But it went way deeper, didn't it?

Eddie knew about self-destructive behaviors. Not intimately. But he'd learned a lot about PTSD lately and adjacent behaviors. Buck and sex was a self-destructive bomb if he'd ever seen one.

And it was no coincidence that Taylor and Buck's relationship centered around physical intimacy.

Buck showed up where he was wanted or needed. They all knew that.

"Just... Make sure you get what you want too," Eddie said. "Put yourself first."

Cue the bewildered, insecure facial expression. Now and then Eddie wished he could hide Buck from the world. Shield him. For now all he could do was stand by.

"Because you'll always be wanted. Make sure the reasons are right for you. It has to be good for you."

And Eddie wouldn't be leaning so far out the window if Buck were to look him in the eyes and say 'nah it's not like that' but all he did was get quiet. Eddie couldn't leave him sitting like that, rearranging himself to stretch his legs out before they fell asleep and casually leaning his shoulder against Buck's.

"You're a good guy, Buck. You deserve only the best.

If you wanted Buck to hear you sometimes you had to get straight to the point.

Maybe one day Eddie could conquer his fear and say what he really wanted to say.

When they were both ready.

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mgsdays · 4 years

Note

Thank u for always being so sweet and insightful with your asks!!! i love you 🥰

AnYWAYSs, I wanted to ask you a question particular to the timeline of 19days. We have about 300+ chaps of current flashbacks and present time. Do you think, little by little, we will see more present time dynamics? I know this is the SLOWEST of slow burns and I’m wondering that maybe this is how OX wanted to write; maybe they wanted to show that the past is a reflection of their current present selves? Idk im just rambling here but I think that the past connects to their future selves; it explains to us WHY ZZX and JY have that dynamic in the current time, why MGS and HT still banter, etc. i think OX shows us flashbacks from the past to let us understand how these characters really FEEL about their love interest. its a very interesting way to show character development. I think all these flashbacks are building up to something- I don’t know what but they seem really important and we still dont know HOW JY and HT left so yah thats my theory. What do you think? Another question; how do you think MGS and ZZX will realize their feelings in the future time? A lot of the OX art, as you said, shows these boys comfortably loving their partners so Im wondering as well 🤔 We even see HT and MGS with the couple rings so will we see that too?? I hope we do :(( I think it makes sense that we’ll see them as partners eventually- I mean, we have seen a lot of character development till now with only 300 chaps. Little by little, I think we’re gonna get the end product ☺️

I just hope Im alive to see it happen!

Hey love! Thank you for the message, you were so sweet 😊

I am… more pessimistic about future chapters. More than you, in either case haha

I believe we are building up to the boys leaving, but I do not believe we will see much of a future where the couples have figured things out. I’d love to be proven wrong, just to make it clear, but I don’t think so.

I love your point about the past being a reflection of their futures selves. My theory is that the past chapters serve as a way for Old Xian to give us enough info to presume what happens in the future. Kind of a ‘fill in the blanks’ kind of thing. The past chapters show us the boys’ desires and fears and they explain the motivation behind the boys’ actions. The little snippets into their lives allow us to understand a lot about the characters.

They also give Old Xian a way to write a BL without ever really going there.

Chinese censorship is strong. I don’t think we understand the extent of it from the outside. Some BL authors have been sent to jail. There’s a news story from Nov. 2020 that Mo Xiang Tong Xiu, author of the novel for The Untamed, has been sentenced to 3 years. The details of the case, if true, were not disclosed and we don’t know if they were found guilty or not. A woman who wrote a gay themed novel was sentenced to ten years, that one we know for a fact. China allegedly decided to pull The Untamed from streaming services and to halt production of shows that were being made based on BL books.

This is serious deal. Nothing even happens in those stories. The Untamed is based in a romance novel but it completely removed all explicit romance references for the show. Nothing happens it was still pulled! (after it was done! You make zero yuans by censoring a show that already exists. And yet…).

It really sounds like China is cracking down on content that goes against their morality code. Imagine you’re an artist there. Would you risk everything to make your characters date?

For Old Xian, their art is their livelihood. They make 19 days for the exposure and then use their official platforms to post ads that they draw through Mosspaca Advertising Company. If Old Xian explicitly drew the boys in relationships they’d be risking that platform and could even be putting themselves in danger. (Sometimes Old Xian draws relatively tame art and still deletes and reposts an even tamer version. Old Xian is impacted by censorship. The exposure they have doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be safe. Imagine them drawing two explicit relationships.)

TL; DR:

Or, TL;DR: HT and JY leave before the boys have enough time to figure things out. The past gives Old Xian plenty of room to write a beautiful story without crossing censorship laws, and leave us to fill in the blanks about their future.

About how I think it happens, I answered earlier today about zhanyi. For tianshan, I think they get together without Mo ever confessing, exactly. In the future Mo has been aware of He Tian’s feeling for forever. Mo knows. I’ll die on this hill. He knows. When Mo really goes through puberty, really starts experiencing desire himself, I think all of his wants unavoidably circle back to HT. Mo would be somewhat aware of his own feelings for years.

After HT comes back, one day Mo is just so tired of the frustration, the tension between them, He Tian’s years apart, everything, that Mo just kisses He Tian.

He Tian’s surprised for five seconds.

Then he catches up.

He pushes in until he has Mo pressed against a wall. Mo’s gasping, a filthy sound echoing low in the space between them, Mo’s fingers sink into He Tian’s hair for the trouble, pulling tight against He Tian’s scalp. It only spurs He Tian on, He Tian groans against Mo’s lips and presses in even harder- rest is history. Mo allows their dynamic to shift from there.

I think the sexual part may be easier for Mo to deal with in the future than his own feelings. They stay in this kind of relationship for a long time.

I imagine X many years into it Mo blurts out his love like it’s obvious, like they both have know about it for forever. I loved this text post. I imagine something like this, Mo says he loves He Tian while cursing He Tian out for whatever and saying a million other things. He Tian freezes in the doorway. He knew but still. Hearing it out loud makes his heart race in his chest. Mo loves him, Mo loves him, Mo loves him. He Tian would be whistling to himself the rest of the year. Mo would find it the most annoying thing ever.

(But, secretly, he’d like it. Mo would like being able to make He Tian feel this way, a warmth blossoming on Mo’s chest at the thought.)

#long post #ask box #anonymous #19 days

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mne-bolno · 3 years

Text

it's been so long since I last wrote smth abt erasmus diary so I'll try to sum up the last two weeks in a post (at least as far as I remember):

mon 18/10 - thu 4/11

• i made a move to the greek guy i like but he dumped me. i apologised the next day and now we're fine but i still find him super cute and funny and wish he liked me back

• i hooked up again with the spanish guy and ended up to his room but at the end he dumped me cause i told him i've never had sex before. it's sad cause i really liked him and had fun with him but nvm

• my belarusian crush started liking my ukrainian neighbour and tbh it really hurts because the other ukrainian girl said that it was obvious that he had a crush on me at first and now idk if it's my fault and what i did wrong and why im not good enough again. and also, he is like my dream boy since i was 16 and at some point i really believed we could have smth. also, his behaviour shows that he still has a little crush on me? idk i just wish i could speak better russian because i think that if we had better communication it would have worked out

• we celebrated an italian's guy birthday at the dorm and it was super fun

• i found in the club a really cute guy which i had seen in the mall and in uni so i decided to make a move and talked to a girl from his company. well, the guy never liked me back (again) but the girl is super pretty and super nice, she kept me in their company all night, she was motivating me to dance with her friend (cause im so shy and i dont like dancing) and she was asking me all the time if i feel comfortable with them. and she drinks way more than me, like she drunk a whole glass of straight vodka and she just told me: don't worry, im polish, i drink like that since i was 14. and we got 5 people into one toilet for her to pee, like we turned the other way and started singing, well the other guys in fact they were singing smth polish, but then i asked them to sing dzins by dawid podsiadlo and it was super nice cause when i was listening to this song last january id never imagine that id sing it with five drunk polish guys in a toilet. and the girl told me to tect her some time and go out to drink together ♥

• me and my protugese friend got drunk in a party and we called our crushes. both got dumped with the phrase ''okay, i'll call you back''. they still havent called us

• met a polish guy in the club, like at first we had intense eye contact and both were like ''come on, talk to me'' but nobody made a move. and it was funny because i was dancing with some turkish guys and they saw what was happening and they were also gesturing to the guy to come and talk to me??? but he never did, so i was like fuck it (and also super drunk) so i went and we started talking and in fact he was really nice?? and then we went outside and talked with his friends as well, they were all nice, they play futsal and we were talking abt football. anyway, i dont really think i'll ever speak with the guy again but it was fun

• i slept in the same room with my belarusian crush. so sad we were in seperate beds, but still it was so nice and intimate cause we were talking until 5am and we also had fairy-lights. he told me he is a nice guy but he wants to seem bad and i told him i do the same thing. and then he told me he knows that i drink too much because im sad and i try to find happiness through alcohol. i told him it is true. again, i wish we could speak the same language and speak more :'(

• i got sick and my belarusian crush brought me hot tea in a cup that his ex gifted him with photos of them together. it was such a nice and cute gesture and the thing with the cup was so hilarious. also, his ukrainian ''girlfriend'' (well, it's my friend too) gave me vitamines and she's so helping and nice. i wish we didnt want the same boy cause i love her but i feel kinda awkward around her

• most of the italians went to krakow last weekend and i was kinda alone so i was going to the greek guys' room to sit and chat and tbh they were much more friendly than the first days. they even asked me to paint their faces for halloween. i have so much fun with them but they never search for my company and i feel kinda silly and like a burden because it's always me that wants to hang around with them

#i think that's all #from tomorrow i'll try to write everyday like i did #erasmus diary

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miraculouscontent · 5 years

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Are you gonna do an analysis or review of Chat Blanc? (Just curious please dont feel pressured to)

This could’ve just been a fun what-if episode that didn’t have anything to do with the main universe, but nooooooooooo.

[Counter Clockwise]

Let’s get the obvious out of way right here and now.

This is the second time we’ve seen Bunnyx this season, making this the second time that time travel has been involved, also in this season (not counting episodes where Second Chance is used).

This is also the second time we’ve had an episode with its events being scrubbed away by the main characters not knowing exactly what happened, similar to “Oblivio” (also in Season 3). It’s not the same plot-wise, but it carries the familiar tone of, “something was left behind in memory of the episode but it’s not anything good” (yes, we’ll get there).

For “Oblivio,” it was that freaking kiss that was spread around on the Ladyblog despite Ladybug being horrified by it and not remembering how it happened.

For “Chat Blanc” here, it was Ladybug’s estimate of how Chat knew her identity in the parallel universe.

And it’s not like this season hasn’t repeated things before. Although “Party Crasher” did introduce Roi Singe, the introduction was rushed and it was just an excuse to get mileage out of Viperion, Pegase, and Carapace one last time a big mess that didn’t need to exist. “The Puppeteer 2″ also had nothing to do with anything and retread the plot point from “Frozer” where Marinette re-learned that Adrien was already in love with someone while also repeating an akuma just like “Stormy Weather 2,” “Gamer 2.0,” “Reflekdoll,” and eventually “Felix” did.

It’s… not a good look, and that’s not even taking into account that this is also the second time that Adrien has presumed that Marinette is Ladybug, with the first example being “Kwamibuster” (technically “Weredad” too considering that’s another episode involving Marinette trying to protect her identity, but Chat didn’t actually have any presumptions there and Marinette just thought he did).

Speaking of “Kwamibuster,” actually, I do believe that “Chat Blanc” goes before “Kwamibuster” (despite production order, which I still view as invalid) because, like… why wouldn’t Plagg bring up that episode when Adrien is rambling since I simply do not believe that Adrien wouldn’t have told Plagg about Marinette being Multimouse and Ladybug being there next to her. I mean, I don’t think much of Adrien, but even I don’t think that Adrien would be dense/dumb enough to just forget that “Kwamibuster” happened.

“Chat Blanc” takes place late in the season because of the “intensity” of it and that’s about it. It doesn’t have any plot-relevant reasons to be put so close to the finale. Nothing important happens that stays important by the end of the episode, and Bunnyx just leaves in the end with no information known.

Even with the information that was in the parallel universe… well…

[All in Bad Time]

First off, not gonna lie; I feel legitimately bad for anyone who held out hope that Gabriel was redeemable.

I mean, it’s not like there’s nothing good in the parallel universe. For once, we got Tom actually taking charge and really defending Marinette. That was nice.

Outside of that though, it’s a bit of a wreck.

Since I already mentioned Gabriel, I might as well start with him. Now, I openly admit to being a very unforgiving person; there tends to be a certain threshold where I point at a character and note that there’s no going back for them and nothing they do will get me to like them or consider them worthy of redemption.

Now, already, I had passed that point in terms of Gabriel, but dang, this episode really goes all the way with making you hate this guy.

Like, after “Simon Says” with Gabriel hugging Adrien, “Queen Wasp” with him quitting and hugging Adrien (sensing a pattern of sorts), and then “Gorizilla” with Gabriel (as Hawk Moth) panicking over Adrien (that one was… weird, admittedly), and also “Mayura” with Hawk Moth telling Gorizilla to protect Adrien, one would think that Hawk Moth has - y'know - standards. We already knew that he didn’t have consistency, but we thought that he at least had standards.

Yeaaaah, not really.

For starters, we have Marinette here and, I gotta say, this is similar to the thing I said about Reflekdoll where it’s just… no fun to have a character with no real limits/preferences? Adrien is obviously going to be the big one here concerning Gabriel, but Marinette is a problem too.

Back in Seasons 1 and 2, Gabriel seemed to have a decent enough opinion of Marinette. He was impressed by her hat (and later goes to compliment her again in “Queen Wasp”), he preferred her to Chloe in “Frightningale,” and even in “The Collector,” he lets her off with no punishment whatsoever when she claims to have stolen Adrien’s book.

But then Season 3 drops, and Gabriel tries to akumatize Marinette multiple times, all with varying degrees of failure. He has no issue teaming up with Lila to go against Marinette, and there’s really no motive for it aside from his schtick of claiming that so-and-so will be his “masterpiece.”

Now, if “Queen Wasp” was before “The Collector,” then maybe I’d understand (because Gabriel would be set up to have a negative opinion of Marinette since she stole the grimoire), but it can’t be because “The Collector” was Gabriel’s reveal as Hawk Moth. It’d also make sense if Gabriel just wanted to akumatize Marinette because she’s alluded his akuma all this time (which has been a common fan joke anyway), but that’s not what’s happening.

And then there’s the fact that Gabriel’s plan to akumatize Marinette here is to have her break up with his son. I’d understand if there was an actual reason for them to break up - then Gabriel is really just capitalizing on an opportunity and would’ve demanded that she break up with him anyway - but there’s no in-plot reason given outside of Gabriel wanting to akumatize her.

Heck, it wouldn’t even be that hard. Adrien might just be shirking some of his responsibilities to date Marinette, or sneaking out to spend time with her/generally not being at home as often. Chat already has a reputation for forgetting about basically everything when he’s around the girl that he loves and the Adrienette ship seems constantly stuck in “honeymoon phase” while they’re dating, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Adrien is wholly out of it.

The problem in this episode is that we just don’t have enough information. Adrien tells us that he’s not going to tell Ladybug anything and then he goes to confess to Marinette, but that’s about all we’re given to chew on. Does Ladybug tell Chat that she’s dating? Does Chat say that he’s dating someone too and just compliments “his girlfriend” a bunch for whenever Ladybug eventually figures out his identity? Does Chat stay vague in case Ladybug falls for Chat too?

(By the way, just sayin’, I see no reason why Marinette shouldn’t have told Adrien about what Gabriel said and no reason why Adrien wouldn’t demand to know anyway; also, Adrien would’ve 100% impulsively ran away from home had Marinette told him what his father said to her. “I’m living my life as Chat Noir now, m’lady.” and then proceed to not care about his father at all. “Gamer 2.0″ already showed that Ladybug is just the most important thing to him and “Frozer” showed that he wanted to live on an island with just her, so yeah, episode resolved there, end of story, too big of a plothole to leave unanswered, please fill.)

Adrien learning Ladybug’s identity is a big deal yet it’s brushed off as nothing (because the big turning point instead is Gabriel learning that his son is Chat Noir). Honestly, had it just been a Ladrien episode instead (i.e: Adrien dating Ladybug instead of Marinette), very little would’ve changed about the actual plot and it would’ve actually made sense for Gabriel to want Ladybug to dump Adrien because Ladybug is his number one enemy (all of his attempts to get close enough to snatch her miraculous would be in vain) and an akumatized Ladybug would’ve been an actual masterpiece.

Point being, for Gabriel to do this when we have no information is bizarre, and doubly so considering the fact that Adrien is clearly happy dating Ladybug Marinette. Even if his plan is to akumatize Marinette and then just tell her to date Adrien again afterward, that’s not stated outright and also isn’t supported by the narrative considering that Gabriel is perfectly fine beating up his own son.

(I also see some potential bad press when reporters hear about the break-up and either demand questions or spread rumors.)

And I’m sorry (I’m not really sorry), but I do not understand Hawk Moth’s strategy here. Yes, Adrien being Chat Noir makes it easier to get his miraculous, but also, two things–

1 - Gabriel could’ve just taken Adrien’s ring in his sleep; yes, akumatizing him would help him get under Ladybug’s skin, but first, how does unlimited destruction get him the miraculous if Chat Blanc’s Cataclysm destroys the miraculous too (he’s been stupid before about this with stuff like Reflekta (Desperada and Party Crasher at least had insurance policies) but from an episode with so much hype riding on it, I expect Hawk Moth to use his brain a little), and second, Chat is Ladybug’s main partner. Ladybug is not defenseless without him, but he’s not completely useless to her either.

If Gabriel can just keep Adrien (who wouldn’t know who took his ring) locked away from Ladybug long enough to make another akuma, Ladybug will have no idea that her partner won’t show up and also won’t be able to go find the guardian to get more miraculouses once she realizes it, because Mayura and the akuma will certainly chase after her. She’ll be all on her own.

In addition, Gabriel can lure Adrien to the room with Emilie after taking his ring, then throw the exposition at him before offering his ring back if he agrees to help (still scummy, but not as irredeemable). That means that Ladybug won’t be around to tell Chat not to fall under Hawk Moth’s control whICH BY THE WAY–

Hawk Moth, in the actual episode, doesn’t even hold Ladybug back. What’s stopping Ladybug from getting the bell away from Chat or telling Chat to tear the bell off (if it worked for Chloe, it’ll work for Chat)? Even if touching an akumatized object gets Hawk Moth in Ladybug’s head too, she can either use her yoyo to break it (considering that her fist broke the bell in the episode itself) or just grab the bell anyway and smash it (because I don’t think Ladybug would fall under Hawk Moth’s control alongside Chat). I know we’ve never seen what happens if you break an object while the person is still pre-akumatized, and it made sense in “Zombizou” because she wasn’t Ladybug and couldn’t purify the akuma, but Ladybug shouldn’t be part of this equation and it adds too many questions.

2 - Now, of course, I’m not experienced in villainy, but I’m pretty sure that the first rule of getting someone on one’s side is to not being a complete moron who beats them senseless first and then expects them to join.

I vaguely understand that Hawk Moth’s strategy was (probably) to just destroy Chat enough mentally so he’d be akumatizable whether or not Emilie was convincing on her own, but when he’s so sadistic about it, positively gleeful when he realizes that his son is Chat Noir, it seems less like a strategy and more like him not only favoring the wish over his own son, but also getting joy out of hitting Chat around as if he feels like Adrien wronged him by being Chat Noir and now Adrien needs to be punished (which would’ve been nice for him to say since Adrien already knows that he’s Hawk Moth by that point anyway).

I just have no idea what the intention was there. It felt like the episode wanted to have it both ways where Chat was conflicted enough to not reject the akuma, but also throw in the angst and “drama” of Hawk Moth hitting him around (after that opening where he acted as if he wanted Emilie to come back for both of them and not just him) because hey, Adrien’s life is sad, his mom is comatose and the fact that he’s about to kill everyone isn’t enough.

And then, as if that wasn’t already ridiculous enough, they have Chat Blanc be torn on who to shoot with his destructive powers. I understand that Hawk Moth is the one who akumatized him, but we’ve seen from Robostus that akumas CAN go against Hawk Moth. Yes, Hawk Moth is his father, but he’s now a physically abusive father (who is constantly “too busy” for him and tried to keep him from being happy which, again, we don’t know if Adrien knows but I don’t see why Marinette wouldn’t tell him; it would hurt Adrien, sure, but he should still know that his father is trying to sabotage them anyway. The episode cuts straight to Hawk Moth going against Ladybug and Chat Noir, but did Hawk Moth literally come up with this plan on the spot, because Marinette had more than enough time to tell Adrien otherwise!) and the love of his life.

Tough choices, I guess.

And then Chat Blanc just ends up killing everyone anyway, so it doesn’t even matter. He could’ve ultimately chosen Hawk Moth to fire at, but his destructive powers were so strong that he couldn’t control it (which would’ve been better once non-parallel Ladybug fights him, showing that he at least trained because he doesn’t want to destroy anything outside of his target).

It reads like a plot that’s being angst-y just to be angst-y (this episode will get no “edgy points” from me when it doesn’t know how to use that angst properly), and it’s not at all necessary.

Hawk Moth knocks Adrien out of the mansion because non-parallel Ladybug needed to find the Cataclysm’d version of her parallel self (which, by the way, how has Chat not found that already/tried to touch it himself, meaning it’d be already gone?) to make the audience wonder about what exactly happened, since non-parallel Ladybug stumbling upon this room with Hawk Moth, herself, and Emilie freaking Agreste would’ve actually been interesting and given the episode some semblance of value where Marinette either re-considers Gabriel to be Hawk Moth or just generally wonders if Hawk Moth himself took Emilie away for some reason (and later finding out that the peacock is damaged and realize that oh, if that happened to Emilie, then the person who has the butterfly is–).

Chat Blanc is crazy because angst, he’s losing his mind after being alone for an undisclosed amount of time. Bunnyx just leaves Ladybug there with no information (oh, and a comment about needing to jump back in time in case she fails because no one has faith in Marinette - we’ll get there - or Ladybug apparently) and an insane Chat Noir who wants her miraculous despite knowing that Miraculous Ladybug already fixes everything once the akuma is dealt with, meaning he can then worry about his comatose mother and the wish (y’know, the wish that Ladybug told him wouldn’t work as he wants right before she died, not that I expect him to listen to her anymore), but no, he’s insane because that’s boring and ensures that he doesn’t think about the obvious solution or the fact that another Ladybug probably isn’t going to come back if he kills this one too.

Like, just saying; if it’s the akuma making his personality that way where he wants the miraculouses that badly (which is dumb since he’s already seen that his destructive powers destroy the miraculous too, yet he’s still mindlessly trying to kill Ladybug because drama), then my question is how his love for Ladybug doesn’t override that when he already killed her and thought there was no coming back until this other Ladybug showed up (and also the fact that her kiss was the thing that distracted him long enough for her to snatch the bell, so her love worked eventually anyway but come on). Either he’s crazy because of the akuma or he’s crazy because of being alone, and neither are all that interesting because, again, the akuma being purified can still get the result he wants. Threatening to kill Ladybug if she doesn’t hand over the miraculouses won’t solve anything and his chances are better when he’s not akumatized.

And here’s the thing: I’m honestly in favor of episodes that explore the what-ifs, but not in this way; not with Bunnyx and time travel and needing to “save the future” or whatever. If it has to involve this “Bad End” scenario where there’s no other way out except for another Ladybug to swoop in and save the day, then that’s fine, but it has to roll with the needed care and limitations that come with that and also forward the plot and make it matter if everything else is just going to be scrubbed away in the end. I mean, the lesson “hey, Marinette, don’t let Adrien know your identity” (yes, we’ll talk about the “real” lesson later) is bafflingly pointless being taught to someone who already took secret identities very seriously and literally had an episode in the same season that showed the leaps and bounds she took to protect that identity.

Oh, and speaking of Adrien knowing her identity–

[Identity Politics]

Uggggggggggggggggggh, Adrien, why does it always seem to come to you.

So now we’re at the big start of all this chaos: Adrien determining that Marinette is Ladybug and then proceeding to go after her romantically.

I should preface this by saying that, no, I don’t wholly blame Adrien for wanting to pursue Marinette romantically. He’s a teenager and I legitimately believe that he thinks that he loves Marinette now and has always loved her and blah blah blah whatever. Adrien sometimes has this habit of rationalizing out his own thoughts with himself to make them seem more reasonable, and I imagine that’s what’s happening here.

…What I do blame him for, however, is not telling Marinette that he knows her identity and casually shrugging the notion off as if everything’s going to be okay. I mean, we all knew that Chat had always wanted to do an identity reveal (basically from all the way back in “Lady Wifi”), but we didn’t know that Chat would just not tell Ladybug if he found out without her knowledge. It’d be one thing if Adrien felt guilty about it (i.e: not wanting her to potentially get in trouble and wanting to stay as Chat because that’s his freedom), but instead, he just mentions it to Plagg once and it’s never heard from again until he’s forced to transform in front of Marinette.

Because we don’t see how Ladybug and Chat’s relationship is changed, we as an audience have no idea if Adrien even regrets that decision at all. Even after Chat uses Cataclysm on the butterfly, he doesn’t apologize at all even though this mess could’ve been prevented had Marinette been able to tell him about what Gabriel was doing by transforming into Ladybug and explaining it to him while he’s Chat.

There’s also the fact that Adrien comes to this “Marinette = Ladybug” conclusion basically out of nowhere. Ladybug may’ve delivered the gift to him and it has Marinette’s name signed onto it (which Plagg even suggests himself as a perfectly reasonable argument), but Adrien has no proof that Ladybug signed it herself (could’ve been fixed if Adrien had something with Ladybug’s signature on it and noted that the style was the same), and the on-screen examples we’re given (”Evillustrator,” “Frightningale,” and “Glaciator”) don’t show that Ladybug had any feelings for Adrien specifically; the latter just showed that she had feelings for a boy.

Adrien isn’t even coming to this conclusion because he saw Marinette running away with the gift earlier (i.e: to transform) since he doesn’t remember seeing her later in the episode when Ladybug lies and says that she’s delivering it for someone else. He didn’t even point out that it was odd that Marinette had the gift in the first place, meaning that scene was entirely pointless.

It’s not that Adrien blindly hoping for things isn’t part of his character (he’s been hoping for Ladybug’s love from the beginning), but to suddenly go off on this without a thought while Plagg is reminding him what the risk is here…. s’dumb. Plagg is clearly concerned about it but decides not to go to Fu and just let Adrien do whatever he wants despite the gamble Adrien’s taking.

I also don’t know whose idea it was to think it’s okay to have production codes dictate episode order when “Kwamibuster” is before “Chat Blanc.” “Kwamibuster” is such an easy thing for Plagg to bring up here and it’s not even mentioned.

And while we’re on the subject anyway, I might as well point out that Adrien isn’t just going after Marinette because she’s Ladybug. No, that’s not enough for him, because we saw in “Kwamibuster” that Adrien had basically no reaction to the scenario of Marinette being Ladybug.

The difference here is that Marinette’s gift is covered in hearts - a declaration of love - and that’s when Adrien makes the big jump.

It’s not, “Wow, my lady is Marinette and that’s awesome because they’re both amazing girls and I love them both,” it’s, “WOW, my lady is in love with me (and she’s Marinette too, I guess), I better jump on that.”

(Because Adrien coming up with similar traits they have that makes them the same would’ve been actually sweet instead of him conjuring up a fantasy just because it’s convenient for him.)

Ladybug being Marinette was irrelevant; it was Ladybug (who happened to be Marinette) being in love with Adrien that gave Adrien the encouragement he needed to pursue Marinette.

It’s even technically supported by the fact that Adrien doesn’t go to Fu. If Adrien realizes that Marinette is Ladybug, then that’s it; he doesn’t need her to be Ladybug anymore, and it’s not like he can date her as Chat anyway. Adrien might still want to be Chat Noir, but since the episode focuses so heavily on the Adrienette stuff, I literally don’t know why he’s bothering risking this stuff. Ladybug has even expressed distaste before concerning balancing her hero life, so maybe he’d think she’d want to be away from it (not that I would expect Adrien to remember that but stick with me here).

This is also supported by episodes like “The Puppeteer 2″ and “Ladybug,” where Chat is quick to flip as soon as Ladybug goes in for a kiss or confesses her love to him.

He doesn’t want Ladybug; he wants Ladybug’s love.

And as for how that affects Marinette herself…

[Marifret]

You know…

YOU KNOW–

Every time I think that this season is out of ideas for tormenting Marinette, it just comes up with another. It starts to feel like the writers just have assorted “how to torment Marinette” ideas that they have stored in a little box at the office that they’re constantly plucking out and then dumping into random episodes whenever they feel like it.

Marinette is the only one who gets anything out of this episode because she’s the only one who remembers the important stuff from it, and it’s not even anything good.

Not only did Marinette not need to concern herself with learning more about how important it is to keep her identity a secret, but the Lucky Charm gave her an eraser, explicitly to erase her name on the gift.

Because Ladybug didn’t need to erase her name. She could’ve either gone back further in time and not let her other self get wrapped up in exploring Adrien’s room (the Lucky Charm could’ve been lipstick to hint to Ladybug that she should distract Chat with an almost-kiss to get his akuma, and then Ladybug could’ve still gone through similar motions to realize that Adrien saw her past self leaving his room), or simply told Adrien that Marinette couldn’t get past Nathalie, so she was asked to deliver it instead.

But no. Instead, Lucky Charm explicitly gives her an eraser as if to say, “this is all your fault and erasing your name off your gift will fix everything.”

Even Bunnyx, in the midst of watching the flashbacks, asks, “What did you do, Marinette?!” which just immediately sets up the entire narrative as being Marinette’s fault.

Not Adrien’s fault because he kept everything a secret and presumed that Ladybug was Marinette despite having no visual proof of that.

Not Plagg’s fault for not going to Fu about it.

Not Hawk Moth’s fault for beating up his son and trying to akumatize him.

It’s all on Marinette. All of it.

All because she wanted to confess to a boy that she liked and lingered a little too long in his room.

So all the hard work Marinette put into the hat she made for Adrien doesn’t even matter, just like the scarf she made all the way back in “Bubbler.” It’s just another wasted effort on Marinette’s part.

Even in the parallel universe, she doesn’t get any time to process her thoughts. After Adrien confesses, the next scene with the parallel-Adrienette is the montage, with Marinette being completely unaware that Adrien confessed to her because she was Ladybug.

On an unrelated note since I’m talking about the montage anyway, this episode gives Kagami the dignity of a simple name drop only to then put Luka right in the background as Adrien and Marinette slow dance together. Like, writers, COME ON, show him some actual RESPECT.

There’s also the fact that Chat “I’d recognize my lady in an instant except for all those times I didn’t” Noir has already rejected Marinette in “Weredad,” and I mean firmly rejected, with no doubt as to how little he feels towards Marinette and how much he feels towards Ladybug. We’ve had the “just a friend” gag for three whole seasons now and then “Chat Blanc” comes along to have Marinette believe that Adrien is in love with her.

And when Chat reveals that he already knew she was Ladybug, again, no contemplation on Marinette’s part. She gets seconds to think about it before just collapsing into Chat’s arms because the episode gives her no time because that’s not important to the episode itself. Marinette (presumably) doesn’t even get to know that Adrien only wanted to confess to her upon realizing that she’s Ladybug.

Then we have this repeated problem where we don’t know the time frame. Did Marinette want to go to Fu? Did Chat convince her not to, and if so, why? What’s Tikki’s view in all of this and how was she convinced to let the subject go? Did Hawk Moth show up almost immediately, so Marinette’s only had time to leave and transform for what she thought could be the final battle, meaning that it wouldn’t be necessary to go to Fu?

We have no idea. The only things the episode makes time for concerning Marinette/Ladybug (in addition to a dumb joke about birthday presents that were definitely not crucial to the plot) are her being excited to be in Adrien’s room, her looking like a fool in front of Adrien as she lies, Chat Blanc yelling at her about how tHEiR loVe caused everyone in Paris to die, and her getting berated after feeling self-conscious for not delivering Adren’s gift.

Oh, and just BY THE WAY, going back to the beginning of the episode since I brought it up, can we just not with Marinette’s friends PLACING BETS on whether or not Marinette is going to confess to Adrien? Can we just not with them making a game out of Marinette’s anxiety and self-esteem issues concerning whether or not Adrien will love her?

It’s already bad enough that we get jokes and gags about the universe itself being against her, but now with have this.

This… horrible, horrible thing.

Oh, and of course, the moment where we see Rose finally go off on someone, looking absolutely enraged while doing so, it’s Marinette she’s going off at and almost physically hurting when she nearly slammed the lid of the basket down on Marinette’s wrist.

Not because Marinette self-deprecated and Rose is actually just “angrily” shouting about how amazing she is and how Adrien would be a fool to reject her feelings.

Not because Rose has been given some “tough love” advice beforehand and thinks that it’ll be best for Marinette, only to feel really bad about it afterward even if it worked.

No, it’s because… Rose lost her favorite stuffed animal in the bet and she’s mad about it. That’s it. She’s taking it out on Marinette for something she did.

And no, I don’t believe for one second that the stuffed animal had nothing to do with it; it had everything to do with it. I mean, come on, the fact that the day Rose went off just happened to be the day she lost her stuffed animal in a bet?

I totally acknowledge that it’s probably yet another joke berating Marinette for the hesitance that she apparently has to have, but one, it’s a waste of time that could’ve been spent elsewhere, and two, maybe the episode shouldn’t be fitting in its jokes and gags in something that’s supposed to be taken seriously. It’s not “Party Crasher” levels of tone whiplash but it’s still annoying to see Paris destroyed and then have Chat Blanc follow up with a Kamehameha Cataclysm.

And this is even ignoring the fact that Alix is extremely smug about it and happily takes Rose’s favorite stuffed animal, not at all ashamed that she was so confidently doubtful of someone who’s supposed to be her friend as long as she was right in the end.

Also doubly ignoring the fact that Marinette’s friends have had a history of behaving terribly concerning Marinette’s crush on Adrien (of which I have repeatedly documented) and they never once think for a second that it might be their fault that Marinette is not progressing at all, instead putting all the blame on her.

Oh, oh, and by the end of the episode (you know, since the writers sat down at their desks and thought to themselves, “this isn’t enough”), because Marinette was forced to erase her name from the gift, she doesn’t get the satisfaction of going up to her friends to at least say that she actually gave it to Adrien. She had to make up an excuse, inevitably damaging their view of her further.

It’s just… sad. Marinette goes through a ton in this episode from being nevous about confessing to the boy she likes, being yelled at by one of her friends, being thrown into a future with an insane Chat Noir who wants to kill her and take her miraculous, and then being told by her own Lucky Charm that the way to fix everything is to erase her name off her own work because Chat is going to get akumatized and everyone (including her) are going to die if she doesn’t.

And, on top of all of that, Tikki still has to sneak in a line that scolds Marinette for using her miraculous for personal gain, despite the fact that Marinette is literally just delivering a gift to someone. We’re back to this “Catalyst” nonsense once more because Marinette is never allowed to be selfish.

Implying that, again, all of this is Marinette’s fault because she wanted to use her miraculous for a couple minutes for something non-hero related.

You know, the power that she uses to protect all of Paris, that was thrust upon her and she certainly never asked for.

The power that she has repeatedly used with a perfect record, even when her partner was taken down.

The power that forces the weight of Paris on her shoulders and the knowledge that, if she fails, Hawk Moth wins and it’s over.

Yet, she’s never allowed to use it for herself or everyone dies apparently.

This is despite the fact that, when it was Adrien’s turn to use his power selfishly to set up a date for Ladybug, he not only got an apology from Ladybug for it, but he got double sympathy from Ladybug and Marinette, even getting Ladybug to blush by the end of it.

Oh, and he gets rewarded at the end of “Chat Blanc” too as Ladybug lays her head on his shoulder, despite his impulsiveness being partly/mostly the cause of everything.

Because that’s totally fair.

…This episode is a wreck. The entire thing is just a complete and total wreck.

Just another thing to add onto the list of reasons for Marinette to have a realistic and inevitable nervous breakdown, I guess.

*sigh*

#((I'm tired.))#category: long post #word count: over 5000 #category: critique #category: salt #episode: Chat Blanc #other: ask and answer

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ateezgf · 4 years

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i need advice and motivation on how to overcome highschool :((

oooh this is a bit hard to answer because high school now isn’t quite the same as how it was when i was in it for obvious reasons. BUT !! i’ll do my best to help you!

i have a feeling that things may feel super.. tedious and overwhelming right now, no? especially since most high school students haven’t done an online class before. i had a couple online classes (because i failed apush & had to make it up so that i can graduate on time plus another random class just to boost my gpa mwah) in high school & it honestly is pretty rough! i know that this doesn’t sound very motivating, but i’m sort of trying to be like “hey, it’s gonna be a struggle but i’ve been there (hell, tbh im STILL there with college) and if i can make it, im sure you can too”.

online learning takes a lot of self-discipline. i know every household is very different and perhaps you don’t have the luxury space and privacy that so many study channels and other advice things rave about. that happens. i’ll finally start settling into my study mindset when suddenly my mom calls me over to her room & it throws me off my groove! i’ve taken a lot of online classes so far (even before it was forced upon me) and i’m still struggling with self-discipline and working on procrastination. the best advice that i can offer is trying to get yourself into a routine that best suits YOU. not something you feel pressured to stick to because a lot of people who post about their own study habits do it (eg. waking up super early [ofc if u have to then u have to but if u dont then well], studying ALL day, etc). it may take some time to find your specific groove that works for you & it might require some communication with family. just because you don’t develop a top-notch routine right away doesn’t make you a failure or any negative connotation. ESPECIALLY since this is (im assuming) your first time with remote learning.

it’s a really weird transition, especially if you’re body/mind is also already used to relaxing when you’re home. it takes time to break the association and have your mind recognize that home is a place to work now & it isn’t just for leisure or little tasks like homework. which is why you should have one designated spot to study/get work done at that isn’t a bed or couch or just anywhere you tend to sleep or relax on. this is something i learned in my psych classes, so!! like i said, you have to get your body used to the fact that school is happening at home now. it’s not an overnight thing for everyone. you want to do your best to avoid getting work done in bed if you can because your mind & body will register that as “oh? seems like it’s time for bed/time to relax” and start falling asleep or something. OR! your body will start to recognize that space as a place of work instead of relaxation & when it’s time to actually sleep, it’ll be harder to do so because of the association. if you have a desk or table or just any space you can sit up in and work, that’ll be my biggest recommendation~

hmm.. i also know that not every house allows peace and quiet either. i was fortunate enough to take advantage of apple’s student discount and got some airpod pros. BUT this doesn’t mean you need expensive, noise-cancelling earphones. if you like listening to music while you work, put your preferred pair of earbuds/headphones on to block out as much outside noise as possible! i don’t recommend blasting your music (dont wanna hurt ur ears now), but just enough where the background noise of your house or outside isn’t too much of a distraction should be fine~ also so you can still hear your parents if they’re calling you if they’re like that. [but also if you’re able to set boundaries and be like “i need [timeframe] to do my school work so please try not to bother me” then !!!! yes]. if you don’t like listening to music/can’t because it’s a distraction, perhaps try to find earplugs or maybe try instrumentals if the distraction is with listening to your favorite songs? like those foam ones that people at concerts wear and stuff, yknow? i can’t really study in complete silence so i can’t vouch too much about this one.

going back to finding a routine best suited for you, i wooould say that you should work during the day so that you can relax at night.... BUT!!!!! if you’re more of a night owl & your house is more quiet at night, definitely use that time to study/get some homework done. i’m assuming if this is anything like my younger brother’s online schooling, you’re attending zoom lectures during normal operating hours and then you’re essentially free the rest of the day. now, you could use that time to get your work done if that works for you. OR you can use that time to relax and do the other things you want to do (play games, work out, take a nap, i dunno) and then get your work done at night since you’re awake then anyway.

BUT LIKE I SAID, FIND WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU!! i know things are really weird and hard right now, i get it. hopefully, you have a nice group of friends who are still making this social distancing time as enjoyable as possible & i hope you’re reaching your own mini successes. i wish i can give you more advice and motivation, but again i’m not really sure how to help you when it comes to getting through high school during these times ): .... but i am here to help cheer you on if you ever need the boost!!! if you want to celebrate your successes with me, i am more than HAPPY to hype you and your brain up. if you need a space to talk about something that went wrong academically, i’m here to help you feel better cause i have definitely been in that position before. also i may suck at math but im pretty good at english :D so papers and all that jazz? i can maybe try helping~

you got this! i believe in you (:

#eeee i really hope this helps #i got on my computer to better type this out aaaaaa #anonymous #answered

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scaredandbored · 4 years

Text

.ok i caved and wrote spones. academy au spones. with a really, horribly out of character spock. was this purely self-indulgent? yes. i’m not even 100% sure what im doing with this story, only that its spones, they share a dorm, and its going to be a gross, borderline self-insert fic lmaoooo. playing fast and loose with the academy’s curriculum because i’m a lazy piece of shit who won’t research the actual structure. also, idk if it even counts as slash, because it contains what i consider flirting, which is ACTUALLY just bickering and academic/scientific discussion combined with gentle physical contact. let me have this.

additional note : i snuck in some pining at the end! so it’s definitely romantic! ha! (it’s not worth it dont bother)

additional additional note : i fucked up a perfectly good spones fic by trying to add jim but it turned into McSpirk

Collectors poke and scalpels ring

(title from billy corgan’s poem “a wax seal”)

warnings : don’t read this spock is so badly written in it.

blatant abuse of the comma, oxford and otherwise

someone gets burnt but it’s not severe and it’s off of tea

cursing. a lot of it.

words : c.6’000 (i’ll count properly tomorrow, it’s hard to get a word count on mobile)

If Leonard was being completely honest with himself (which he tried to be, dammit), his studying had stopped being productive at some stage between midnight and one a.m, but he’d be damned if he was going to grant his smug-enough-already roommate an “I told you so” by going to bed. Not that Spock would use such colloquial, illogical language. Resisting the urge to groan, Leonard let his head fall to his desk, confident the pile of pages he had accumulated while studying for his assessment in Standard Procedures in Classifying Non-Humanoid Life-Forms would muffle the thud enough to prevent upsetting his roommate’s meditation in the bedroom next to his. Walls were thin at the academy, that was the whole reason he’d had to turn down Jim when he’d requested Leonard to bunk with him for their second year in the academy. Bones loved the kid, he really did, but if he wasn’t blasting his frankly awful study music through the whole night, he had someone over from wherever he’d been that evening, and Bones had come to learn (quickly, and unwillingly), that Jim was loud in bed.

Making the decision to go make a coffee (not with one of those godawful replicators, but with some decent coffee beans that his younger sister had brought as a present on his birthday, for which he’d had to actually purchase a grinder and coffee press for afterwards, but it was the thought that counts), Bones couldn’t help but miss the all-nighters he and Jim used to pull together in their previous year at the academy, using each other to keep awake and motivated. The kid’s taste in classical music left much to be desired, but he didn’t seem to mind Bones’s preferences, so they’d throw on the med student’s study playlist on Jim’s maybe-technically-banned-but-no-one-is-going-to-snitch-on-us-because-we-all-have-one-Bones-relax speaker and bounce flash cards off of each other, explaining things to one another, and sharing notes. Jim had always been very much an aural-oral learner, unable to retain information unless he had explained it to someone, or had it explained to him, and while Bones definitely did not mind helping his friend out, he’d always been a more individual learner, preferring to take his notes and summarise them, re-writing the most important points until he had them ingrained in his subconscious. Which was all well and good, except it was a pain in the ass of a technique that only became more frustrating when it was employed in a long night of cramming.

Quietly, Bones took his mug as well as the rest of the required paraphernalia from the almost-bare shelf in the equally almost-bare cupboard he and Spock had voted to dedicate to Bones’s “illogical need to entertain guests with a strange variety of baked goods paired with one of two hot beverages” and Spock’s “ostentatious pots and probably poisonous concoctions”, all while chiding himself for reminiscing about study sessions. Of all the stupid shit he could reminisce about at the ripe age of twenty-two, study sessions with a friend he could easily invite over to join him was probably the one of the most stupid. Bones was forced to pause and evaluate his situation as he realised that all his quiet tip-toeing about in an effort to leave Spock’s meditation undisturbed was probably null and fucking void, seeing as he had to manually grind the coffee beans, which would indubitably create enough noise to irritate those over-sensitive ears. Not that the vulcan could feel irritation. Fucking asshole.

Rolling his eyes at his own cankerous mood, he began to prepare his coffee, keeping half an ear on the sudden rustling noises from Spock’s bedroom as the disturbed vulcan did god-knows-what before coming out to lecture Leonard. Or to glare at him. Or condescend him. Maybe criticise him on how late he’d left it to study for this godforsaken exam. Or maybe Leonard was projecting onto his poor roommate, who he’d only known for the better half of a month. (During which, the cranky bastard side of his brain argued, said roommate had made his distaste for human culture and illogic clear, his particular dislike (it was dislike, regardless of whatever “vulcans don’t feel” bullshit he was trying to pull) of Leonard thinly veiled, and his disinclination to speak to Leonard in general blatantly obvious.) Most likely Spock would simply head into their shared living area to procure a cup of his noxious evening teas before returning to his meditation, not stooping so low as to acknowledge the source of the disruption to his nightly routine. Leonard’s mission to caffeinate himself was not under threat. It took more energy than Leonard would ever admit to quell the disappointment that bubbled up at the thought of Spock just ignoring him.

It was stupid-o-clock in the morning, of course the vulcan wasn’t going to engage in a full-blown academic conversation with him, what was he thinking? Bones haphazardly plopped the filter over his mug just as the kettle came to a boil, doggedly ignoring the squeak of Spock’s door and the sound of his bare feet against their tile floor.

“It is not recommended for humans to ingest beverages of such a high caffeine content at this hour.” Spock’s voice breaking the eerie silence of the late hour was enough to make Leonard’s usually still hands jerk, splashing his knuckles with the hot water. He managed to suppress a hiss of pain, determined not to let the vulcan see any weakness.

“It’s not generally recommended amongst humans to get your medical degree at Starfleet Academy, yet here I am, Spock.” Griped Bones, turning to face Spock with his mug in hand, the eye contact he made intended as a challenge. Try and stop me, Pointy.

Spock raised an eyebrow, which alerted Leonard to the vulcan’s significantly slower than normal movements. The damn vulcan was sleepy, he realised. In an infuriatingly adorable way, Spock blinked slowly twice before responding, a significant delay in his usual response times to Leonard’s taunts. “On the contrary, an education in Starfleet Academy is highly coveted amongst humans; its expansive curriculum makes its graduates highly sought after in careers outside of the academy. I see no logic in your statement.”

Bones rolled his eyes, knocking back half his coffee in a matter of seconds, and burning his tongue in the process. “I don’t see the logic in continuing to hold conversations with an individual you find so distastefully illogical, Mr.Spock.” He passed the strange traditional vulcan teapot out to his roommate along with the decidedly terran-style mug Spock seemed to prefer using.

Spock offered three more of his slow, dazed blinks before responding with a tilt of his head that was slightly more pronounced than the one he tended to make during the day. “Distasteful? I do not believe I have ever said as much, McCoy.”

Bones gave a single, barking laugh, shaking his head as he began to move back towards his bedroom. “Careful, Mr.Spock. Keep up the flattery and you might say something you regret.”

“You are studying?” Spock called after him, just as Leonard was closing his door.

Leonard watched Spock as he shuffled around their kitchen, preparing his tea, his normally purposefully brisk steps reduced to a half-asleep stumble. His roommate gave no indication of having spoken to him. “In my usual, time-consuming way. Yes I am, Mr.Spock.”

Spock did not face him, but the delay in his response was still significant, for the vulcan, “You study using this highly inefficient method only when learning independently, correct?”

“What is it you’re getting at? There’s only so many hours in a night, and some of us have work to do.” Growled Leonard, his prolonged view of the back of Spock’s house robes frustrating him. Their arguments were much less entertaining and all the more aggravating when he couldn’t look Spock in the eye. Spock attempted to answer while turning to face Leonard in his sleepy daze, forgetting that he was halfway through pouring the boiling water over the strainer, effectively dousing his front in the scalding liquid. There was a brief pause where Spock blinked down at the front of his robes, while Bones processed what had just happened before jerking into action. “Get that glorified dressing gown off of yourself, Spock!” He whisper-shouted, determined not to wake the entire residential block. Spock just blinked at himself, then at Leonard.

“It is burning.” He deadpanned, prompting Bones to roll his eyes and cross the room in a few quick strides.

“It’s boiling water, Spock, of course it’s burning.” He hissed tapping the lapels of the robes. “You need to get out of this so we can get you under some running, room temperature water, try and stop any blistering.” Spock finally seemed to register what was going on and began to unwrap the ties of the robes, turning away from Leonard as he did so. Leonard noticed his roommate look uneasy at the prospect of being shirtless around him, and decided to leave him to it. “I’ll go run the shower, you dry yourself off a bit and run any part of your arm that got caught in the stream under the tap. I’ll call you when the shower’s the right temperature, ok?”. Leonard waited for Spock’s nod before bolting off to their shared bathroom to start working.

So much for his productive night studying. It was starting to look like he’d be playing nurse for Spock until the on-campus medbay opened at five am. He was just beginning to realise exactly how fucked he was for the exam the following day when the door to their bathroom creaked open slowly. “Nearly there, Spock. I don’t recommend using any of your pungent herbal shit, we don’t want anything getting into any burst blisters or anything.”

“Your alarm is unwarranted, Leonard. There is no lasting damage done to my person.”

“Congratulations on your medical degree, Spock, didn’t realised you’d discovered a fast track. Y’could’ve told me.” Leonard drawled, not taking his eyes off of the shower, his wrist under the stream of water to monitor the temperature.

“You know I have done no such thing.” Spock huffed, his less alert state loosening his restraint enough to allow for such blatant emotionalism.

“Sarcasm, Spock. Somethin’ you’re gonna have to get used to if you plan on launching into the void canned in with a bunch of humans once we graduate.” Leonard was angling for a mild version of their normally acerbic exchanges, but Spock didn’t seem willing to take the bait.

“If you insist I must bathe in tepid water, I will comply, but I trust you understand the state of my health is my concern alone, and you have no power to forbid me from assisting you with your studies.”

“Bold of you to assume I want your assistance.” His final attempt to goad Spock fell just as flat as his others, and he gave a defeated sigh. “Please stay in until your skin’s returned to its normal complexion, alright?”

Spock gave a half nod and stood to the side to let Leonard pass out of the bathroom, which he did a mite faster than was strictly necessary. Sighing as Spock closed the door, Leonard began weighing the benefit of trying to study against the fact he was just worried enough to be distracted from anything too difficult. Leonard scoffed. “Who am I kidding, everything in this module is difficult enough to make me want to rip my fucking eyes out.” He continued grumbling incoherently as he made his way back to his room, throwing a dirty look at the mess of teapots, mugs, and cafetieres as he walked past it. Spock would have a hissy fit. Or, the closest thing the teachings of Surak would allow to a hissy fit. “Goddamn, green-blooded, neat-freak.” Leonard groused, frowning at the state of his room.

Leonard often consoled himself for his lack of cleanliness within the confines of his bedroom using the fact he very rarely sullied shared living areas. He liked to think of his room as a sort of nesting area; cluttered, but cosy and homely. Spock thought the state of his room was indicative of his disorganised mind and illogical outlook on life. He looked around his room, trying to decide how to partially tidy it most effectively before Spock got out of the shower.

Ultimately, he decided to leave anything that could be passed off as studying material (including, but not limited to the notes Jim had left behind on Starfleet-approved mixed martial arts) and to gather all clothing into one pile behind the door. He had just finished that and was contemplating moving some of the collection of unwashed, half-empty mugs he’d forgotten about into the sink when someone cleared their throat at the threshold of the door, causing Leonard to jump. “Goddammit, Spock, y’could’ve killed me!” He snapped, subtly kicking the sleeve of one of his hoodies behind the door.

Spock’s eyes followed his foot as he attempted this subterfuge, which lead him directly to the pile of clothes. He raised an eyebrow, looking back at Leonard. “I was unaware the human heart was so poorly designed that even one belonging to a relatively fit for duty, young man was susceptible to cardiac arrest caused by unpredictable scenarios. It leads me to wonder why Starfleet consists mostly of such an inept species.”

The adorable, sleepy Spock had disappeared, leaving the sharper, more alert, more dangerously attractive Spock that Bones was going to have a hard time not coming onto over the next year. “I think I preferred you when y’couldn’t string together a sentence.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed infinitesimally as he stepped purposefully towards Leonard’s desk. “You are hardly the image of a functioning officer after your rest cycle has been disrupted, McCoy.” He quipped, pouring over the notes Leonard had been working on before the whole tea-spilling fiasco. “You have been repeatedly transcribing the same five notes for upwards of an hour, if you maintained a constant rate of words per minute.”

Leonard shrugged, striding over to his desk to snatch the notes back defensively. “What of it?” He snapped, picking up his pad of paper (not good for the environment, but he’d loaned his PADD that he usually used for revision to Jim a week ago and wasn’t due to get it back until that weekend) and old-fashioned pen that used to belong to his mother.

Spock raised an eyebrow at Leonard’s odd behaviour, picking up the textbook that had started to slip down the back of the overcrowded desk to leaf through it. “It is a highly inefficient method of study. Particularly given your current time constraints.”

“Spare me the lecture, Spock. It works, and that’s all that matters.” Leonard drawled, having already resumed his scribbling, desperately attempting to commit one of the longer definitions required for the exam to memory.

“That statement has no grounds in fact, nor does your extension based on the untruth follow any semblance of logic.”

Leonard uttered a string of curses in his native tongue, making Spock consider taking Earth English classes on the side, if only to aggravate the med student in his own native tongue. Not that Spock would ever admit to such irrational motivations. “Dammit, Spock,” Leonard’s familiar growls in Standard had less venom than they usually did this early in their verbal sparring, a fact that drew Spock’s concern sharply onto the med student. “,either sit down and help a guy out, or get out and let me be. Ain’t that hard.” Spock eased himself down onto the human’s bed carefully, sitting cross-legged beside him with the textbook balanced carefully on his knee.

“I have heard you listening to music whilst studying on previous occasions. I have noted you do not tend to do so while I am meditating, however, I am doing so now. If it assists you, I would recommend you indulge.” Carefully watching the human for signs of distress while he spoke, Spock decided another snip at him would not hurt him. “Your human focus is dismal enough without depriving it of the stimulus necessary for it to operate at an acceptable level of efficiency.”

Spock watched with mild satisfaction as Leonard threw his archaic study materials down in a small rage, his eyebrows practically dancing as he spluttered furiously for exactly 3.2 seconds before responding coherently. “Why, you listen here, you green-blooded son-of-a-bitch, y’ain’t doin’ much good in this here bedroom, so you’ve got about three seconds ‘fore i throw you out!”

Spock unfurled himself and stood, but he didn’t make a move for the door. Instead, the stoic bastard moved back to Leonard’s desk, sorting papers into piles as he systemically searched the surface for something. Finally, he picked up Leonard’s music device: a miniature PADD his younger sister had constructed for her first set of practical engineering exams, programmed to run audio files only. “A’ight, give it here.” Leonard stretched out his hand, palm up, waiting for Spock to hand it over. Spock took a moment to briefly page through the audio files Leonard had equipped the tiny device with, the corners of his mouth turning down fractionally. “Somethin’ the matter, Spock?”

“I was under the impression that humans preferred to listen to classical music whilst studying?”

“That is classical, Spock.”

“I do not recognise it.”

Spock looked up just in time to watch the furrows between Leonard’s brows deepening. “Well, it’s classical, terran music, not vulcan, so I don’t suspect y’would.”

Without thinking, Spock said, “My mother made sure I was acquainted with many kinds of classical terran music as a child. I expected to recognise at least one of these songs from the information she provided me with.”

“Your mother liked terran music?”

Spock didn’t even pause to consider the trust required for him to offer an insight into his personal history. He just did. “My mother was human. I am only half-vulcan.”

“Might be half-vulcan, but you’re still a whole pain in the ass.” The rapidity of Leonard’s answer set Spock totally at ease, and the vulcan allowed himself to relax slightly in the presence of the human. “Y’still’ve done absolutely fuck all to help me, and I really do need to study. Y’can stay if y’want, but I can’t be shootin’ the breeze with you all night, y’hear?”. Spock’s look of confusion at the idiom was enough to send Leonard back on the defensive, and he was about to launch into a strong verbal eviction from his room when something almost-but-not-quite-clear quickly swept over Spock’s eyeballs. “What in the fucking HELL was that!” He shrieked, immediately grabbing his training tricorder from under his bed and scanning Spock, studies forgotten.

Spock’s alarm was only notable in his shoulders, which tensed as Leonard crowed into his personal space to a degree that would’ve been considered improper on Vulcan. Spock did not make any movement to rectify this situation. “McCoy?”. Leonard was muttering to himself as he scanned Spock for a third time. “Leonard?”

“What was that, Spock?”

“I am unclear on what it is exactly you are referring to.” Spock maintained solid eye contact with the Leonard, concern for the human’s mental well-being bubbling under his cool exterior. Leonard blinked, twice, incredulously, before putting his hand on the junction between Spock’s neck and shoulder, which was covered by his turtleneck. He looked at though he was going to say something before he went extremely pale and spluttered incoherently for a few moments before beginning anew with his tricorder scans. “Leonard?”

“Spock, something’s happening to your eyes.” He growled in response, pressing at the junction where his hand rested. “Turn your head, I want to scan it from another angle. Do you feel dizzy, nauseous, anything out of the ordinary?”

“Nothing. The level of confusion I am experiencing is within normal parameters for my interactions with you.” Spock felt a wave on content pass over him when McCoy stopped scanning for a second to glare at him, before shaking his head and resuming his activities.

After a few minutes, he withdrew the scanner, dragging a hand down his face. “Spock, I don’t suppose vulcans happen to have a second pair of eyelids, do they?”

“Have your anatomy classes failed to cover that of vulcans?” Spock narrowed his eyes, deflecting from the fact that he didn’t actually know if the second eyelid was still a functioning part of vulcan biology. He’d learnt about it as a vestigial organ, but his hybrid nature had fascinated many scientists back home. One of the reasons he had decided to leave for Starfleet; Spock had hoped to avoid the invasive poking and prodding done in the name of research. That being said, the soft poking sensation of Leonard’s fingers through his shirt was far from uncomfortable, and Spock felt strange when the sensation stopped.

“We do, but the piss-poor files the VSA are willing to relinquish to us mere humans are so fucking full of redaction and contradiction that all we’ve left to work with are a few vague diagrams and thoughouly unhelpful paragraphs on the composition of vulcan blood.” Leonard took a step back from Spock, restoring the traditional respectful distance between them. Much too distant for Spock’s liking. “You’re sure you’re not going to die in the next few hours until we can get you to the sickbay tomorrow?”

“I do not need-”

“Spock, you’ve not only burnt yourself-”

“It is superficial at most, and does not require-”

“-but you’ve just discovered what might maybe be an eyelid but could equally -for all we know- be-”

“-medical attention. Your anxiety is unwarranted and your focus on your studies has waned to what could prove to be a detrimental degree if you do not-”

“-a malignant growth of some sort, you have to go to find out if that thing is hurting you or not at least-”

“-cease your illogical fussing and resume.”

“-and I- Spock are you even listening to me?” Leonard’s gradually increasing volume finally peaked out, and Spock raised an eyebrow at the outburst. “Ah. shit, the neighbours.”

“At this hour, we can hope they are in a deep enough sleep not to have heard-”

“Are you kidding me Spock, I practically screamed-”

“If we continue in this vein, you will lose what little volume control you posses. Please sit down once again and I shall try and gauge how much you have prepared for this test already and we shall start from there.” Spock’s eyebrow lowered itself slowly as he relaxed once more, Leonard sitting down on the bed close to the headboard, making it easy for Spock to sit relatively close to him without making it look like anything but a logical decision for optimum viewing of the human’s notes. Not that it wasn’t motivated by logic. The fact his side was pressed soothingly to Leonard’s was a pleasant bonus. “That eyelid thing is a bit strange, you’re sure it doesn’t hurt?”

Spock levelled him with a flat stare. “I shall visit the nurse tomorrow if you cease this discussion.”

Leonard shrugged and dropped his head down and began working on a list of things he felt confident on for the next day in an attempt to hide his smug smile. It didn’t work, but Spock didn’t say anything.

A few hours later, they had taken a break from Spock’s relentless verbal assessments for Leonard to give his brain a chance to process the points they had been drilling and for Spock to asses the data he had collected on Leonard’s rate of retention of information to try and streamline their next bout. Except Leonard’s head had dropped onto Spock’s shoulder, and the heat from where their sides were pressed tightly together was relaxing Spock into a borderline meditative state. It was only when his chest started to vibrate lightly when Spock snapped himself back to reality, confident he had not woken his study mate with his unfortunate vulcan habit. Hubris was not a trait vulcans were capable of possessing, so Spock classed his slide in judgement as a calculation error, not as a result of unfounded pride.

“Were’y’... purrin’, Spock?” The human’s voice was muffled by Spock’s turtleneck, so the flush high on the his cheeks went unnoticed by Leonard.

“It is... an unfortunate, involuntary response of Vulcans.” Was Spock’s clipped answer, suddenly awake and almost frantically pouring over the notes he had made on Leonard’s progress.

“Mmm, sounds like more of y’all’s goddamn cagey nature. Outta be somethin’ your doctor outta know.” Leonard slowly picked himself up off of Spock’s shoulder. Spock felt irrationally irate at the loss of contact, despite the fact their sides remained pressed together. “Ah, shit. How long was I out?”

“Twelve minutes.” Was Spock’s response, glad to have moved on from his embarrassing lapse in control. Leonard’s response wasn’t forthcoming, so Spock chanced a glance at his roommate, only to find his mouth wide open, eyes closed, and seemingly struggling for breath. Spock’s basic first aid training kicked in, fully aware that humans, much like vulcans, required a constant supply of oxygen, and he began to thump at Leonard’s back, the angle much too awkward for him to apply the force necessary to dislodge whatever may have been blocking the med student’s airways. Except, the med student seemed to have cleared his airways on his own. And was using his perfectly clear airways to yell at Spock.

“The hell’re you doin’? Coulda seriously hurt me with that goddamn “superior vulcan strength” you won’t shut up about! Ain’t a fella allowed t’yawn in his own damn bedroom?”

Spock quickly stood up from the bed, and Leonard watched as the relaxed stance the vulcan had had previously completely vanished. “You appeared to be in respiratory distress. The training I have thus far received in first aid on humans required the first thing to do in such a situation would be-“

“Dammit Spock, I’m a med student, I know what t’do when someone can’t fucking breathe! I, oddly enough, was breathing just fine!”

Spock’s chin lifted fractionally, the last of his near-tender demeanour hardening. “Incorrect. Your chest ceased to rise and fall regularly, you had opened your mouth for maximum oxygen intake and yet you did not inhale, and the distress weakened you insofar as you were forced to close your eyes.”

Leonard looked at him, incredulous. “I yawned.”

“I do not understand. Does this correlate with your -“

“I yawned, you thick-skulled-“ Leonard stopped and took a breath, scrubbing his face with his hand. “Don’t worry, s’just an unfortunate, involuntary response of humans.”

Spock recognised he was being quoted, but unlike previous, malicious quotations made by various humans (including this patprticular one), his roommate did not seem to be trying to get a rise out of him, so he decided to retaliate. “That is the nature of most human responses, voluntary or otherwise.”

The outraged eyebrow that was slowly creeping up Leonard’s forehead was completely undermined by the sleepy grin that was taking over his entire face. “I’m not going to get much more study for this assent done, huh?”

“Assessment?”

“Yeah, the thing we’ve been studying for.” Leonard looked confused, but Spock’s head tilt betrayed his own befuddlement.

“You referred to it previously as an exam.” His arms crossed his chest, marring his perfect posture slightly. It looked to Leonard that, despite his confusion, his roommate was more relaxed than he had been.

“Yeah, an exam, an assessment, no difference, is there?”

Spock would later deny the look he gave Leonard was ‘incredulous’, Leonard would exaggerate his expression into one of absolute shock when retelling the tale to Jim the following evening. “There is a considerable difference, Leonard. Considering the brevity of this particular elective, the only grade that might impact your final score will be the final examination. Assessments in such a relatively insignificant elective will not affect your final grade in any serious manner.”

“It’s a matter of pride, Spock.” Leonard smiled, shaking his head. “Gotta keep up appearances.”

Spock glowered down at his roommate, the expression so slight that Leonard didn’t notice it at all. The silence strung out for a moment longer than absolutely necessary before Spock sat down at the foot of Leonard’s bed. “Pride is illogical, McCoy.”

Leonard snorted, shaking his head. “Pride and spite are the only things that keep me going, take ‘em away and I wouldn’t do a thing.”

He watched as Spock’s eyebrow crept upwards, his head tipping lightly towards him. “Your finger brushed my collarbone earlier, when you touched my robes.”

Leonard went a bright red, and his respiratory distress seemed genuine this time. He leapt off of the bed, putting the distance of the width of the room between them. “Fucking shit, Spock? Why didn’t y’tell me! Fucking touch-telepathy, that was probably stupidly invasive, wasn’t it? Shit, shit, shit! I’m sorry. I’m fucking dense, I thought- I don’t know what I was doing, shouldn’t’ve gone near you-”

“Calm yourself Leonard-”

“And now you’re too polite to call me out on it, goddammit, we had lectures on proper conduct with vulcans, fuck-”

“Leonard.” Spock had stood and walked over to the human. Leonard was shocked when Spock put his hand on his shoulder. “There is no offence taken, do you understand?”. Leonard seemed to have lost his voice, but nodded. “I only brought up the incident because I sensed only concern and concentration from you through the contact. There was no bitterness, no concern for your pride or reputation. You saw your patient and thought of nothing but how best to administer effective and efficient treatment.”

Leonard had not made any indication of wanting to brush off his hand, so Spock decided to return to the personal space he had occupied while Leonard had been scanning him earlier. Leonard blinked several times, eyes crossing slightly to stare at the tip of Spock’s nose, only an inch, maybe less, from his own. His mouth suddenly went dry, and he swallowed hard, once. Spock’s nose had never looked so kissable. He shook his head- not an appropriate thought to be having while Spock was, wait, what was Spock saying? Leonard could hear him speaking, but his brain wasn’t processing the words correctly. Or at all. He thought maybe he was complimenting him, or maybe trying to get Leonard to explain his dry, almost self-critical comment. Hell, Spock could be reciting Shakespeare for all Leonard knew. Or cared. The vulcan’s voice was deeper than it was normally, more like it was when he had been sleepily pouring his tea earlier, less like it had been for their shared life up until today. The vibration of this deeper voice reminded him of the purring, the utter relaxation and warmth that had accompanied those vibrations, and... and Spock was still talking and Leonard still had no idea what he was saying because his mouth was moving very nicely, had his mouth always moved that nicely?

“BONES!” That voice would pull Leonard out of any dazed stupor he could possibly fall into. That voice, with that tone always meant one of two things. Jim needed his help, or Jim had done something he needed to confess to that would probably piss Leonard off. “BONES? YOU HOME?”

Spock had somehow managed to perch himself on the edge of Leonard’s desk, textbook and notes in hand, pointedly not looking at Bones. Rolling his eyes, Leonard walked out into the living area. “What the fuck have you done, Jim?”

“Bones!” Jim practically bounced over to the med student, which meant he’d absolutely fucked something up that was going to piss him off. Clapping his shoulder playfully, Jim used the momentum of his bounce to swing himself around Bones, heading for his room. “You’re not going to believe what a weird mix-up there’s been, man! So, look, I-why, hello, Mr.Spock!” Jim glanced over his shoulder with an “i-cannot-believe-you-got-the-hot-guy-we’ve-both-been-crushing-on-into-your-room’ look on his face, his mouth slightly open and his eyes comically large in mock disbelief. “What’s a hot guy like you doing in a dingy place like this?” He had turned his impish gaze back on Spock, gesturing vaguely around Leonard’s room as he mentioned the ‘dingy place’.

Spock’s face remained impassive, not betraying the flash of amusement he always felt when the younger human flirted blatantly with him. “Vulcans’ core temperatures are, on average, actually lower than that of humans.”

Where Leonard would’ve snapped back a witty counter attack in order to incite a fascinating debate, Jim simply leaned right into the lewd implications only he could draw from such a droll, basic fact. “Are you saying that you think Bones and I are hot, Mr.Spock?”. The man had far more confidence in his charismatic abilities than any other human Spock had seen knocking their own glasses off of their face when discussing something passionately with a lecturer.

Spock was about to fire back a response -noting in the back of his mind that of the friendships he had deliberately built with a select few humans in the hopes of appeasing his mother, the ones he had formed with Jim and Leonard, though not particularly strong yet, brought him a feeling of completion- when Leonard came into the room, red-faced and rolling his eyes. “Shut up, Jim, you’ll make him uncomfortable. Vulcans don’t flirt, that’d require expression of emotion.”

Spock raised an eyebrow at Leonard, mildly puzzled. Had Leonard not recognised their discussion before Jim had arrived for what it was? Was his respect and admiration of the medical student not clear?

“What is it you’ve done, Jim?” Bones had leaned himself against the door frame, staring fixedly at his ex-roommate, who was glancing between Spock and Bones with a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

“Well, I was going to apologise for a stupid thing I did, but seeing as it wound up with all three of us in a room with a bed, I’d say no apologies needed.” Jim couldn’t keep a straight face delivering that line, his flirtatious demeanour crumbling into pure giddiness. “Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop. S’just weird seeing the two of you together, it’s like you guys exist separately in my mind, and seeing you getting cosy in Bones’s room is just so wacky-“

“Jim!” Bones’s bark made Jim laugh even harder, and Spock allowed the corner of his mouth to twitch ever so slightly as Jim’s merriment grew and Leonard became more and more flustered. These humans affected Spock more than he’d care to admit, and watching them interact brought a sense of contentedness over him. “It’s fucking crazy o clock in the morning, what in the hell could’y’ve done that y’need to confess so bad?”

“Small scheduling error, Bones, no big deal! In my defence, I didn’t realise how late it is, I was reading this really cool book that Galia’s sister sent her, so far it’s been absolutely gripping, can’t put it down-“

“Jim.”

His blue eyes darted around the room nervously as he giggled anxiously. “You don’t have a test tomorrow, Bones, I do. I fucked up and logged it in the PADD you’d loaned me instead of my own PADD, so I guessed you got a reminder and I know your memory is shit outside of your studies, so I figured you’d be up cramming-“

“Jim-boy, what’d you just say? Because if you said what I think you said, I’m going to-“

“Leonard, I would not recommend engaging in a physical altercation with Jim. He has considerable more experience in such matters.”

Spock felt a shiver down his spine as Leonard’s dangerously icy glare turned on him. “Are you sayin’ y’don’t think I can take ‘im, Spock?”

“That is not what he said Bones! C’mon, how bad was it? You got to bond with your roommate, and now my two best friends are on speaking terms, at least. Sounds like a win-win to me!”

“I’m gonna need the two of y’all to get the fuck outta my room, if I’m going to get any sleep at all before tomorrow.��

Jim’s smirk got even more mischievous, the glint in his eye almost dangerous. “Maybe we’ve planned for you to get no sleep tonight, Bones.”

“I resent your implicating me in your antics, Jim.” Spock was definitely grinning, goddammit! There’s no way a vulcan could manoeuvre their mouths any further into a vague smiling shape.

“You’re not denying it-”

“Both of y’all need to shut up and go to bed, it’s late.” Leonard groused, having had enough of Jim’s playfulness, which was a bit too much for how late it was. Also, the thoughts and feelings he was invoking in Leonard with his meaningless teasing were enough for him to overthink on for the rest of his life. Jim’s pout made Bones fully aware of just how much he wouldn’t mind kissing his best friend, which reminded him of how close he had been to doing just that to his roommate, which reminded him of how it was just his fucking luck to be attracted to the two people he most defiantly shouldn’t be attracted to. The two most unattainable people on campus. He was probably a sadist. Jim sat next to Spock on his bed, and Spock had turned to mutter something in Jim’s ear. On his bed. He was absolutely a sadist.

“That’s a good point, Spock. I think it’ll be difficult to strong-arm him into spending more time with the two of us as well.”

Spock had the good grace to look up at Leonard with what could be interpenetrated as an apologetic expression. “Those were not my... exact words.”

“I’m a med student, not a socialite, dammit!” Jim was sitting very close to Spock, they looked so right together it was sickening, and Spock was clearly mooning over Jim, and Bones... Bones needed to sleep. Now. “I’ll come over to your place tomorrow after I get out of the labs at six, Jim. If Spock comes, he comes. I don’t care.” He did care. A lot.

“Seeing as two of us live in these quarters, it would be more logical for us to reconvene here, would it not?”

“Nah, Jim’s got a better replicator.”

“I’ve also got better taste in holos, so...”

“You absolutely do not-”

“I don’t think watching documentaries counts as a relaxing night in-”

“I shall be there, eighteen-hundred hours.” Spock interrupted, his expression doing nothing to ease the daydreams determinedly banging at Leonard’s subconscious as he looked between the two humans. That odd eyelid-thing slid open and shut twice, which Leonard probably shouldn’t have found cute when he didn’t know whether or not it was hurting Spock. But he did, nonetheless.

Jim clapped Spock’s shoulder, which stopped the eyelid blinking, and resulted in a rather cat-like freezing of his entire frame. “Excellent!” Jim jumped up, bouncing out the bedroom door. “It’s a date, gentlemen!” And he was gone before Leonard’s outraged spluttering could hold him up.

“It’s not a- dammit, we’re not- Spock-”

Spock stopped to place his hand on Leonard’s shoulder, deliberately making eye-contact. “To borrow Jim’s turn of phrase, ‘it’s a date’, Leonard.”

And that rendered Leonard totally speechless, left staring mutely at Spock’s retreating back. What the fuck kind of emotional fuckery had he gotten himself into?

#im feral for spones goddamnit #spones #spock #bones #bones mccoy #leonard bones mccoy #leonard mccoy #academy au #author is lazy so joanna is bones's sister #jim kirk is in here somewhere #jim kirk #basically me projecting onto bones for over 2000 words #this would've been a little bit more legible if i'd focused it on either bones or spock but i DIDNT DO THAT #this is the definition of self-gratuitous #star trek #fic #star trek fic #wait no projecting onto bones for over 4000 words im so sorry #spock doesn't know what a yawn is and thinks leonard is dying #bones doesnt know about the vulcan second eyelid and thinks bones is dying #also purring is in here #becuase i am HERE FOR vulcans=logical cats #bored writes #mckirk #i guess #that wasnt meant to happen but here we are #also mcspirk #mcspirk #hakhalkhsalkha #me projecting onto bones for around 6000 words because i literally dont shut up ever

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

Text

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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headoftherack · 5 years

Text

Harlin leant against the blood soaked wall, taking in a deep, satisfying breath. The soul before him finally accepting its new fate as Demon. Possibly one of the fastest turns he had created for a long while.

Since the end of the war almost 20 years ago, Hell had run like a well oiled machine. Especially his rack! There was still rumours circling about Jacks appearance a few years back at the ceremony of powers. Once every few weeks a new sighting would come to his attention. A few times, demons have attempted to gain favor with Harlin, using false information. But he could spot the liars a mile off. One thing that had caught his attention latley was talk of a young girl visiting Hell who resembled their queen. So Harlin made sure to put his spies out... just incase.

A young male demon, was waiting outside the room when Harlin emerged, wiping his hands on a rag. He raised an eyebrow when he saw him “ Jax?” he said flatly, throwing a glance down the hall. “You have something for me?” he set a steady pace down the hall towards his office. “Yes sir! Most definatley” he said quietly, pushing the door to Harlins office shut when they entered. “Go on?” Harlin hung up his apron and sat behind the desk.

“It’s true!” JAx blurted out quickly. “What you said about the princess? It’s true, shes visiting Hell in secret” he said, eyes eager.

Harlins chin tilted slightly, his fingers threading together on his desk “I suggest you curb the teenage enthusiasm” he said flatly. Jax swallowed Harshly and averted his gaze. “Tell me everything” he ordered.

Jax nodded and drew in a heavy breath. “She’s been visiting at least every 3 or 4 days. The only place she is yet to visit is here Sir, The rack. Most demons have been avoiding her due to her obvious young age. But she is very... motivated” he said, clearly chooising the word carefully.

“How do you mean, motivated?” Harlin asked, leaning more on the desk.

“Well Sir... Shes been asking for a tour. For Someone to give her a tour of Hell” He chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling the already messy curls.

Harlin hummed for a moment, fingers tapping on the desk “Give it to her”

“Pardon?”

“Give her the tour. Bring her here to me” he said.

Jax looked dumbfounded. Whatever he was expecting Harlin to say, that was definaltly not it. “You want me to give her a tour of Hell?” He asked

Harlin rolled his eyes at the younger demon “No JAx I want you to tell her you will give her the tour and bring her straight to me” he said. After a few moments of stunned silence, he spoke again “Now Jax” he snapped.

Jax nodded and rose to his feet “Of course Sir” he hurried away, almost stumbling over his own feet.

----------------------------------

A few hours later Harlin was sat in the office, sorting out the paperwork for that weeks new recruits when there was a knock on the door. “Yes” he called, peering up to see who it was.

Jax stepped inside with Rosalyn on his arm, kicking the door shut behind them.

Harlin smirked and flicked his wrist, locking the door “Rosalyn” he grinned, standing and stepping around the desk.

Jax let go of her arm and his stance changed fast. From flirty and friendly back to serious employee.

Rosalyn rolled her eyes and folded her arms “You’re an asshole” she snapped to Jax.

“Come now, dont be rude to the help. He’s only doing as he is told, which is something you seem to lack the incentive for” he raised an eyebrow, leaning back to perch on the edge of his desk.

Rosalyn huffed an annoyed breath, and her eyes narrowed at Harlin “Who are you? How do you know me?” she growled.

Harlin smirked at her “My name is Harlin” he offered her a small bow, eyes flashing black as he did. “And you are the daughter of my queen... so I suppose that makes you my princess” he grinned, voice dripping with charm.

Rosalyn relaxed a little and dropped her arms to her side. He was actually pretty hot. The bow was definatly working. “The guy that runs the rack?” she questioned, stepping towards him.

Harlin gave her a brief nod “The very same” he answered. “I must ask, Does my Queen know about your... visits?” he questioned. He slowly rolled his sleeves up, never taking his eyes off her.

Rose shrugged and skipped across to the large bookcase “You knew my mum back during the war?” She asked, running a finger down the spine of a book.

“I did yes. I’ve served Mina for over 800 years” he answered. Harlin shot a look to Jax that he knew all to well. Jax silently edged back and out of the office.

Rosalyn hummed softly, flicking her long brown curls over her shoulder “was she badass?”

“Very much so” Harlin grinnned. “You’ve yet to answer my question?” he folded his arms across his chest.

Rosalyn rolled her eyes “No she doesn’t know. You going to rat me out?” she challenged.

Harlin sighed, his chest rising and falling with the action “I’m afraid I have to yes. Hell is no place for a girl...Woman of your lineage” he said softly. “Not only are you the daughter of my Queen, but you are also an Ashton” he explained.

Rosalyn slumped into one of the office chairs and flung her head back “I’m doomed to live a boring life” she whined.

Harlin chuckled and shook his head “I’d be happy to provide security if Mina agrees to you visiting” he suggested. “But transparency is important to my Queen. I learned that a long time ago and intend to hounr it” He held out his hand for Rose.

“Ya’know if i was a few hundread years older” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Harlin licked his lip and nodded “Unfotunatley there is only space for 2 women in my life. Your mother and my Marie . Both of whom I struggle to keep happy. A Third remarkable woman to the mix would do havic with my sanity” he replied.

Rose stuck her tounge out at him and reluctantly accepted his hand home.

#rosalyn #mina #marie

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loststormtrooper · 5 years

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Ive been slowly reading the Splinter Cell books and im almost finished the third one and I have complaints

Spoiler warning I guess for books that are over 10 years old if anyone cares about them.

So the first book was great. They got one of the bond writers to do it and it was so good. Splinter Cells identities have been leaked and Sam Fishers life is at stake throughout the whole thing because for the first time ever, the enemy know who he is. His chapters are in first person which makes everything feel so much more personal. All the other chapters following other characters are in third which gives this nice cutscene kind of feeling that games have when they show something your character wouldnt know. Its a book series based on a game, it just felt right. Sam's daughter gets kidnapped because The Shop (big bad weappns company) wants to stop Third Echelon from getting in the way of their sales and Sam is the one who is trying to stop them and stop them from doing deals with The Shadows which are trying to get the US out of the middle east so their country can take over another. Fisher ends up disrupting these deals and saves his daughter. But like, how it goes is so well. Sams daughter gets invited overseas with her friend and they both ger drugged and kidnapped by someone they thought was their friend! The stakes are high af because they killed off the friend and are going to kill Sams daughter and him if he cant stop all this stuff from happening. And theres the whole war nuclear weapon deals going on that he also has to stop. So good.

Anna Grimsdotir isnt present in this book because they need wiggle room for the next book and shes replaced with Carly who is also an analyst. Theres this nice tight nit friendship between Sams team at Third Echelon with Lambert, Carly, Sam, and and Mike that sets things up for the next book. Also Sams Grav Maga teacher, they flirt a bit, nice side story which leads into the next book. Pretty much everything leads into the next book because even though Sam defeated The Shadows, The Shop is still a major weapons dealer and have the identities of other Splinter Cells and needs to be stopped.

So next book, Operation Barracuda. Sam and his team need to find out who leaked the Splinter Cells information and stop The Shop. Uh oh! It was Mike and he had to kill Carly IN THE THIRD ECHELON OFFICE because she was about to figure out it was him and he escapes and the Triad offer to get him out of the country, he just has to get to the right place and theyll fly him out. Good setup for these cat and mouse chapters where and FBI agent is trying to keep up with Mike. Also Mike was actually planted in Third Echelon years ago and he and his brother have deals with the Triad to sell stuff which The Shop does t like because theure supposed to sell things to them and then they sell to the Triad.

All of these bad guys have one goal though. Theyre dealing with a rogue chinese general that wants to invade Hong Kong. So theres all this infighting and build up to when people, even the bad guys, start to figure more stuff about the other groups. The Triad, being in Hong Kong, dont want to be invaded, but the deals theyve done with bad guy general have provided him with a nuckear submarine that he threatens to detonate on the US coast unless they withdraw from Taiwan.

During all of this that krav maga teacher and Sam have had a few dates and are at Sams place. But when they are walking down the street she is gunned down and Sam is forced to leave her dead body on the street with people around because he cant risk being having anyone looking into who he is, even local police and government because he is in a secret agency. Amazing side story. It's a lot like the side stuff with his daughter in the first book, it gives him more motive outside of it just being a job, these people have killed 2 of his friends, one of which he was really into.

Back to bad guy stuff. FBI guy gets killed by Mikes brother after he goes into a shady place to arrest him. The triad are already there and hes just dead now. But he did arrest Mike so they got info from him which leads same to the Triad. In a pretty cool turn of events the general invades but theres no one to stop him! Oh wait! The Triad takes arms and fights off his army and its rad. Sam had gone into that shady building (just remembered its a night club) and gave them information about the generals attack and then left. It was a different chapter because he wasnt being stealthy, he just walked in and demanded to speak to people and it worked. When all this general vs Triad stuff is happening, Sam is dealing with The Shop. The general is defeated, the leak for the Splinter Cell information is in custody, and The Shop is finally shut down!

Next book... set before the first and has a new writer. All of it is in third person and it doesnt feel like the first for obvious reasons. Theres a handful of spelling errors spread throughout which really take you out of it because now youre thinking about this spelling error.

Starts with Sam having to sneak onto a ship thats going to crash onto the US coast and its packed with radioactive material or bombs? It wasnt clear to me. But he stops it and gets out. Its a pretty one track story whereas the other two books had a handful of stuff going on and it all worked neatly. Third Echelon need to know where the nuclear stuff came from to know who did it. He sneaks back on the ship which is under quarantine and takes a sample or something? There was something about having to get engine manufactuing codes to find out where the ship had done repairs and see where it came from but that branching plot just ends later in the book when Lambert says that his analysts found out where it was from. Sam need to find out where nuclear stuff came from. For reasons i cant remember because nothing in this book is worth remembering half the time, Sam has to go to Chernobyl to collect radiated material to see if they match. Thats not the unmemorable part, how they decided to go there to find it specifically is. Anyway, its a match and they figure out who did it and why by knowing who made the ship and how they got the nuclear material. The whole Chernobyl bit could have been better. It didnt feel like anything was at stake. And there was this awkward side story with a woman who helped him get into the dangerous areas unnoticed where theyd flirt and nothing would come of it and then theres nothing else about her ever again.

Then theres all this stuff of Sam infiltrating other places which leads him to another place which leads him to another place. Its very linear and theres a few chapters where he sneaks into a private island thats impossible to sneak onto but he does and it doesnt feel like anything is at stake. The whole book is about having to find out who did this one almost bombing and poisoned a whole towns water supply with radiated material, making it a wasteland, before the US declares war on the wrong nation for ot. But every time they get more information, they suddenly have more time and need to hurry, but then they do that and get more time but need to hurry! At one point they mention the president will declare war in 24 hours and im pretty sure its been like 4 days since then and nothing.

Also! Theres this terrible character cliche guy i hate. There's like 5 chapters spread out through the book where its this weird guy who is clearly the villain ( not bad guy or terrorist, hes just a bad villain) that talks all fancy and as if hes got this grand plan happening and keeps talking about chess and imagining chess moves after he gets new information. Its annoying and i hate him. Get a new character. It doesnt even have to be him, use one of the heads of the bad guy groups that are already established, god. I've got 6 chapters to go and Sam doesnt even know about that chess bad guy yet.

Tbh im considering skipping the next book because its the same writer and the Conviction books and Blacklist book are written by other people. It hasnt been release who i dont think though. Its all a pseudonym.

So i just finished Splinter Cell Checkmate. Its 2 days after i wrote that whole thing and it gets way better in the last 5 chapters. It was much more fast paced and actiony. The rest of the book was slow and not that interesting. There was a bit that brought back a character from earlier who was shot in the head but the bullet hit ar a weird angle and he was left to die. Sam found him and theres this nice calm part of the chapter of Sam trying to get him out without making his wound worse but he wasnt fast enough and he dies. Then Sam finally gets the location of the annoying chess bad guy with some information from now dead guy. It literally ended with Sam saying "...checkmate " to him which fealt really forced... they never met until now and Sam onlt mentioned chess once in the whole book besides that. I think he played it with a friend for a paragraph while they chatted. Epilogue was ok too. The woman who helped him into Chernobyl was in a wax museume and Sam rocks up with a passport for her to get out and fly back to the US with him. Was weird. They flirted maybe twice halfway through the book and then he rocks up with that. She didnt even know his name until the epilogue because he used an alias.

Anyway, first two books are great, third was super slow but ended ok.

#splinter cell #sam fisher #operation barracuda #checkmate

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