#out of my ADHD meds so my sleep is tanking

[arachling2]

Like this for an ask.

[alittlebitofloveliness]

Could you do some modern day Soda headcanons please? I love him so much and I love your blog so much soooooo….

Ok so soda is tricky for me to write but I tried my best!!!

Modern Au Sodapop Headcanons

-Drinks every single energy drink imaginable. Rockstar? Like its water. Prime? For the plot. 5 hour energy? He’ll down it in five seconds. Darry is HORRIFIED.

-Is pretty enough he’s one of those people who becomes moderately famous on TikTok without having to really do much. His followers notice he’s always talking to someone off camera, and they’re desperate to find out who it is, but Soda only ever responds to comments with ‘oh that’s just Stevie, he doesn’t like TikTok’.

-Soda’s followers have a lot of theories about this ‘Stevie’. Soda is weirdly tight lipped about him, despite the fact he often breaks off mid rant in videos to talk to him. There’s also the fact that the rest of the gang is often around/in the background of videos, but the mysterious ‘Stevie’ never appears. (okok I’ll stop here before this becomes a Stevepop social media au)

-Regularly forgets to take his ADHD meds and Darry often has to remind him

-Would either have a hockey flow or a mullet (whatever y’all think, personally I think modern Soda with a hockey flow tracks with his character)

-One of those people who loves horror movies but is also completely terrified of even the dumbest ones and has to sleep with the lights on for weeks afterwards. Steve makes fun of him for it, but will also stay up on the phone with him if Soda watches one by himself and freaks himself out

-Has a million fidget spinners because they actually help him focus on stuff when he needs to

-Soda in modern AU wouldn’t call Ponyboy ‘kid brother’ as a nickname (don’t get me wrong, I love it but Ive never heard it used irl). Instead, I think him and Darry (and thus the rest of the gang) refer to Pony as ‘shrimp’ and Ponyboy absolutely hates it  “where’s the shrimp” “he’s has track practice ‘till four, you of all people should know that Dar” (brought to you by me and my interactions with my own little brothers)

-The whole gang is super into video games, but Soda is kind of shit at them and lowkey grumpy about it

-Every teacher he’s ever had has done that thing where they expect him to be exactly like his older sibling, and therefore expect him to be a model student like Darry, and every time they are proven entirely wrong. By the time the same teachers see Ponyboy’s name on their class lists they’re terrified of what to expect

-He definitely had that horrible middle school boy stage where he just reeked of axe body spray and BO before he figured out proper hygiene

-Every two weeks him and Steve end up doing some sort of YouTube deep dive where they end up being convinced of some sort of wild conspiracy theory that Ponyboy and sometimes Darry have to spend three hours talking them out of

-Uses far too many emojis in texts

-He had a pet hamster once and you know that thing died in the most horrendous way imaginable. Two-bit probably farted into the cage at one point as a joke and the poor thing asphyxiated to death or some shit like that

-He’s that kid in group projects who does nothing and tanks the presentation for everyone by mispronouncing half the words on the slides some other group member made for him

-Him and Steve are so inseparable that when they’re not together people will be like ‘where’s your boyfriend’ and he just answers without thinking before flushing really hard and sputtering a bit. 

-One of those people that casually catches snakes with his bare hands. Steve HATES it and Ponyboy is TERRIFIED of snakes so he gets in trouble with Darry if he does it too often or brings them near the house

[skysometric]

the sun is shining in my heart once again... for the first time in several weeks

that adhd med REALLY didn't treat me very well, sadly! it helped me focus, for sure – but it actively tanked my sleep, worsened my stomach issues, and towards the end there it even pushed my depression to a new low!! i stopped taking it on friday and it's been slowly releasing its grip on my body over the weekend; as of today it has more or less worked its way out of my system (though my head is still a bit fuzzy).

being this sensitive to meds sucks. that was the lowest possible dose of that med! now i need to get some tests done so i can try other adhd meds, because my other options are all stimulants. if i'm this sensitive to a NON-stimulant, then i'm kinda scared to try the rest...!

finding the right med to treat these symptoms is a big guessing game of trying various options to see what works and what doesn't – everyone's brains are wired differently, and mine just happens to do Whatever That Was when i take a med that isn't for me. trying to find the right antidepressant was a very similar story...

at this point, though, i'm just glad i'm feeling better again. i'll miss my ability to focus and get out of my head more often... but i'll find it again someday!

[angelsonthesideline]

17 questions, 17 people

I was tagged by the amazing @w1tchy-woo

Nickname: I'm not really the nickname type, only have a couple people who call me anything nickname like

Sign: Taurus - loyal, stubborn, and at times, as delicate as a bull in a china shop..

Height: Just under 5'10 (so I just round up cuz fuck it, who wants to hear 5'9 3/4... this isn't a Hogwarts train platform)

Last thing I googled: Usually an angel number

Song stuck in my head: I haven't had a song stuck in my head in days

No. of followers: Apparently there are 8,251 people who put up with my bullshit

Amount of sleep: I have adhd, take stimulant meds, and work midnights.. sleep is a miracle and I usually sleep 5-7 hours if possible, and have crash and burn days where I can sleep 10-15+hrs

Lucky number: Can't say any number is "lucky" for me, but I have many that stand out to me

Dream job: Self-employed doing something I'm passionate about, but I do have as close to a dream job while working for someone else for myself (I get paid to workout for 8 hours and drive.. both things are very good for my brain and happiness)

Wearing: Ancient original Lululemon crops (they have gone so far downhill since these were made, but these make my ass look amazing, I'll be sad when they die) and my Three Days Grace tank that says "I hate everything about you, why do I love you" which is what I wore to work

Movies/books that summarize me: I have read many books, and watched many shows.. and have never been like "THAT IS ME!" about any character, but the most I have related to a character would be Kristen, in one of my all-time favourite books that is kind of like my easy reading/pure pleasure reads.. which is Hearts Aflame by Johanna Lindsey (it's a historical romance based in King Alfred's Wessex ft Vikings and Saxons).

Favorite song: Schism by Tool

Favorite instrument: penis? <- Hahahaha.. leaving this here.. but usually a stripped down song with piano kills me, same with acoustic guitar.. but it is the vocalist that will shred me

Aesthetic: Classic, athletic, edgy at times.. I dunno if I have an "aesthetic"

Favorite author: I have many author's I enjoy, but not one that I would consider my favourite

Favorite animal noise: Puppies when they are learning to growl/bark and surprise themselves with the noise that comes out... that and Skunk snuffles (I would die to have a pet skunk)

I'm supposed to tag 17 people... (If you are not tagged, but wish to participate, please do! I'm awful at tagging) @thenewguy1984 @une-petitefille2 @tall-michigan-man @mybeautifuldkness @robwolf88 @geographically-challenged @stella-lvna @collectyoursoul @sweetnovember95 @bewitchingbimbo @thewanderingscribe @bouncing-flowers @whhhoopsmadeyoulook97 @nixdef @auroradragon1 @cusp-half-full @honeyand-themoon

[creations-by-chaosfay]

Some folks have been questioning whether or not i'm epileptic, or if my seizures are as severe as I say they are. Here's a video of me participating in a seizure study. This is what happens when I miss a single dose of my medication and sleep deprived. For this study, I went over 24 hours without sleep.

My seizure threshold is extremely low, meaning it takes very little to trigger a seizure. We learned why so many medications have failed me. We learned why meds will never completely control my seizures. We learned that my seizures begin deep in my brain and spread to both frontal lobes, which disqualifies me from every known brain implant available for seizure control.

Before commenting here or asking questions, read the comments and my replies in the link. I will direct you to the comments if it's something I've answered already.

In my most recent EEG, back in I think...2017? During the strobe light test, the EEG was showing massive seizure activity. There were no outward signs though, which had the doctor confused and concerned, so he talked to me. That's when he discovered something disturbing. How? I was conversational. No confusion, very chatty, and when the strobes stopped, the seizure activity diminished. I finished the test with a headache and exhausted. Some apple juice and a protein bar fixed the worst of it. That's when we learned I'm likely having several seizures a day, and may be why I'm hypoglycemic. Seizures burn through glucose, and my blood sugar tanks after I have seizures. It doesn't help that I have ADHD and forget to eat, which then lowers my blood sugar and outs me at risk for more seizures.

Yeah, epilepsy is complicated. It's also terminal if left untreated or poorly controlled. I'm high risk for SUDEP, but the risk is lower if my stress and anxiety are lower. It's one of the reasons I use edibles. The combination of THC and CBD have successfully helped me get more control over my seizures.

I hope this provides you with some information and gives you a better understanding of what it is I live with. The video is a tonic-clonic seizure, which is in the gran mal family. These occur twice a month for me, when my period begins and ends. I have a variety of other less violet seizures everyday.

Low blood sugar, too much stimulation (namely noise, and i'm autistic), stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, consuming gluten (I have celiac disease), illness, fever, being too hot (i have poor heat tolerance), these are just a few things that can and will trigger seizures.

I don't know how to drive, and have no desire to learn, seeing as I must go a year seizure-free. That will never happen. I cannot work because if the many things on the list that can and will trigger seizures.

Again, read the comments and replies. You'll find the answers to your questions there. I will direct you to read these before I answer any questions regarding my seizures.

[jemamore]

ok 2022 lets go orz

started the year unemployed and taking zoom classes to stay sane, started on adhd meds which absolutely tanked my mental health, eventually got a new prescribing nurse and changed meds literally 4 days before i took a 10 hour flight and ended up travelling for 23 hours to mexico to meet my then partner, turned 26 in another continent and my uncle died of cancer whilst i was over there, broke up with my partner going through my first heartbreak had my first job interview in 4 years and got offered the job on the same day, and thats only the first 6 months of the year 😅 the neighbours cat moved into our house so now we're a 2 cat household<3 she sleeps on my bed every night<3, the country hit 40c for the first time and im not looking forward to climate change, I started my job at the hospital in august and its challenging but our team do what we can and i really think routine helps despite my mental health being pretty crappy for like the last month?? I think its winter making things worse, i started going to therapy every week and the lady is really nice even though i don’t feel like im doing it right lol I don’t have myself or life plan figured out and all I hope is that I don’t die at the age of 27

[vintagegenderpunk]

ADHD medication tips from an overly introspective person who has been on them for a decade

This is all in my own experience, though I sort of believe that others go through similar things. Again, not a medical professional. Talk to your doctor. Et cetera. But like, ADHD is kind of like autism, in that you’re not gonna get the same info from an allistic person than you are from an autistic person. People without ADHD just... don’t get it. 

ADHD meds help regulate your anxiety, so when you don't take them (say, you forget and miss like a few days) sometimes your forgetful mind will get super depressed and anxious and feel like the world is ending

And you won't know WHY you feel like this. It's usually just that you forgot your ADHD meds and are being harsh on yourself. Be kind to your brain. It’s adjusting

Higher doses mean higher suppression of appetite, lower doses do it too, but not as bad. Make a plan to eat regularly. Like... schedule it if at all possible. Get yourself some protein bars or drinks. As I'm lactose and soy intolerant, I recommend OWYN (Only What You Need) brand protein drinks, the dark chocolate is the best, but the coffee one is good too.

If you go for a while off meds then start them suddenly, your first day or two of ADHD meds will feel a bit crazy (if you'll pardon the word use). you'll probably get a lot of energy but not have adjusted yet to dealing with it, so it'll feel a bit manic. In that case, remember that you’re okay, you’re just trying to deal with having different brain chemistry.

Take the meds as EARLY in the day as possible. I usually try not to take them after noon, as they'll keep you up at night.

Coffee or caffeine will often stabilize untreated ADHD, so if migrate towards that, don't worry too much. Although, same rules as the last point, try not to drink caffeine too late in the day or else your sleep problems will be expounded upon even if you don’t physically feel caffeine’s effects.

If you do take adhd meds consistently, don't think of them as your "get things done" meds. think of them as your "get consistent neurotransmitters" meds. If you assign productivity as a value to the act of taking your adhd meds, you're more likely to not take them when you feel like you have nothing to do, which will then conversely tank your mental health as in the first point mentioned.

The Metaphysical Stuff: 

If you’re not into the metaphysical, potentially pagan or witchcraft or spirit work related things here, just skip to the next section. I don’t want your comments on this. 

I find that since I've become accustomed to taking ADHD meds on weekdays, on weekends when I don't take them, I really struggle to do anything astral / journeying related. Like, it feels like I cannot focus on it to save my life.

My best guess  is that your body/brain becomes accustomed to doing that thing with the ADHD meds going on, so when you don't have the meds in your system, it struggles a lot more than usual, which since you've probably forgotten a lot of prior coping methods, means you're more likely to think it's just not Happening right now

Be nice to yourself in these moments. You’re not disconnected from the astral or the spirits or whatnot. You’re just having an adjustment of brain chemistry which wildly affects how you perceive this plain of existence, let alone anything else. 

General Information Regarding ADHD for the Uninformed:

Do you see how I broke up this big-ass post into littler chunks? Just like how sarcasm tags (/s) and such helps people with autism or issues interpreting nuanced language, spacing out large chunks of text into smaller pieces will allow your ADHD friends to actually read what you wrote. Please don’t make me look at essay with no line breaks. 

ADHD is often co-morbid with anxiety and depression. It fucks up your sleep cycle. The medication messes with your eating habits as well as causes trouble with physical intimacy at times. It throws your ability to focus in a blender along with a plethora of other issues that come off as “lazy” or “immature” to someone who doesn’t have ADHD. 

Chill out and be nice to your ADHD friends. We basically don’t get happy neurotransmitters like you do and so it takes a lot of effort to get to the same headspace. 

[internaljiujitsu]

5 Realizations That (Finally) Got Me Off The ADHD Treadmill

I used to hate reading books. I did it anyway but couldn’t last more than five or ten minutes before dozing off or having my mind dart away to distant lands. Like the skinny kid with no appetite that had to force feed himself to pack on muscle, I shoved books into my brain because I hated the idea of not being well read more than I hated reading.

As a kid, I often left things undone. — or worn out to the nub. After beginning enthusiastically, I’d soon lose steam and beat myself from pillar to post for quitting. I’d always hang around through the torture just to avoid the sting of giving up again. Once the interest was gone, whatever I was doing became pure misery. This would inevitably lead to mental and physical breakdown, as every cell in my body rejected the reality my mind was accepting.

I got good grades and excelled athletically but always thought I could do better. There seemed to be a gear missing — the one that I just knew could take me to a place that felt right. If I were just better, more disciplined and able to focus more — but I didn’t think I had it in me.

Back then, I didn’t know I was working with a slight disadvantage. While medication has played a crucial role in managing my ADHD, and no doubt would have made a massive difference in my childhood, it’s been just as important to build coping and productivity skills. While ADHD makes it difficult to work for other people, it also challenges your ability to self-regulate. Your perception of time is thrown off, so keeping track of your own schedule can be tough without a system.

Before I ever tried medication, in my forties, I spent my life learning skills to make up for what I saw as inadequacies. I’m thankful that I built a technical foundation before supplementing with chemicals, but eternally grateful for what meds have done for me. Once I was properly diagnosed, I realized that the progress I was able to make on my own was astonishing. Giving myself credit for putting in the work motivated me further. The medication made it all click. It was the missing piece I’d been searching for after years of hard inner and outer training.

Here are my five keys for finally jumping off the ADHD treadmill. Once I inserted these into my belief system, I no longer felt hopeless. The limiting, negative self-talk stopped. It took a long time to finally put everything together, but the results have been life changing.

Meds Are Not Evil

Like a lot of other people, I didn’t believe ADHD was real. My perception was that it was a made up disorder designed by drug companies to pump kids full of personality stifling drugs — an excuse for parents to medicate energetic kids and abdicate responsibility.

Meanwhile, I lived every day in lonely terror, until my symptoms became so overwhelming that I became suicidal. At that point, medicine was my last hope. I read books, meditated, prayed, had countless therapy sessions, including EMDR, and took massive action to change my life — but I hit a healing wall. I needed a boost.

The wiring in my brain makes it so ADHD medication that would make the average person speedy simply makes me feel normal. I am no longer listless and suicidal, disappointed in myself because my aspirations outweigh my self-belief. Before meds, it felt as if I was receiving random radio signals from everywhere. The one that always caught my ear never had anything good to say. Still, my disciplined nature dragged me through my days.

The stigma against medication and the dangerous abuse of these drugs by the general public has left many people unnecessarily living in misery. Prisons and homeless shelters are purgatories for the mislabeled, ignored and discarded members of society unlucky enough to suffer from mental illness. How many of those fortunes could have been altered with the right diagnosis, treatment and protocol?

2. Medication + Discipline = Badass

As a person that uses discipline as therapy, I once thought I could muscle my way through pain. Becoming older in the martial arts world means you have to fight smarter. That’s the trade off — you are wiser and have a much better understanding of your art, but your body does not react the same. Nature seeks balance.

But fuck that. If you take care of yourself, you can whip on the youngins long after your head is covered in gray. Combining experience with conditioning makes you unstoppable. That’s how I see my mental health approach.

If you have no clarity, you won’t make the best choices. You simply can’t see what’s in front of you without a trained eye. The frantic nature of the ADHD mind is like a white belt thrown into what we call the “shark tank.” It’s a relentless onslaught of tough competitors coming in fresh at intervals to continuously beat your ass. No place for white belts. That’s what life feels like off my meds.

The passions that occupy my time have kept my brain buzzing enough to distract me from my buzzing brain. Now that the unwanted chatter is gone, I can feel the good kind of buzz — the warm, fuzzy feeling of loving what I do without feeling like I have to do it.

Would I have preferred avoiding all the pain I felt over the years and just been medicated all along? No. If life didn’t necessitate that I acquire the skills that I have, I wouldn’t have been driven to pursue them. I may have relied too much on the drug. I would not have changed. But I have a feeling the relief of the meds wouldn’t have been enough — It’s just not who I am. I know that now. Eventually, I would have gone searching. At times I almost feel like I have an unfair advantage now. Technical ability and practical experience. Strength and skill. Balance. I’m glad it happened the way it did.

3. You Feel How You Eat

While nutrition has always been important to me for physical fitness, I was more concerned with appearance. As I got older, my focus became increasing my energy levels and feeling better. It wasn’t until after being diagnosed and forming habits around optimizing my abilities that I realized the importance of nutrition for good mental health. Inflammation caused by certain foods is detrimental to brain function and a frequent culprit in ADHD.

Once you’ve gone down a suicidal rabbit whole, giving up gluten is a tiny price to pay for sanity. Not that you know what sanity is — you just know you don’t have it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t give a second thought to the type of food they put in their mouths. Lifestyle is a gigantic factor in mental fitness. Eating foods that promote brain health (fatty fish, blueberries, avocados) and avoiding processed products and sugar will ensure you have the energy and mental clarity to face the day.

4. Your Phone Is A Tool

People love to complain about how their phones have taken over their lives, but we’ve got the most amazing tools ever invented in our pockets. You can read books, listen to podcasts, watch Ted Talks — non stop learning at your fingertips — all the time.

But, with great power comes great responsibility (Stan Lee will never steer you wrong). Just like television can range from “The Sopranos” to “Jersey Shore,” your cell phone can educate or anesthetize you. If you’re not disciplined, your time will be eaten up swiping left to right and “liking” shit you couldn’t care less about.

Take advantage of your calendar and alarm features to schedule everything. Don’t assume you’re gonna remember, because let’s be honest, you’re gonna forget. Use voice memos and notes to keep track of ideas and journal your feelings and thoughts. You know you have to keep yourself occupied, so download the Kindle app and have a book at the ready for down time. Listen to a guided meditation. Take an online course on the go. Learn a new language. It really is endless. Use it wisely, and your phone is the ultimate weapon. No utility belt required.

5. Less Sleep Isn’t Helping

Feeling lazy had me convinced I needed to force myself to do more. That meant getting up earlier so I could get shit done. With a schedule that had me winding down at ten o’clock at night after teaching martial arts classes, it was tough to go right to bed. If I wasn’t careful, I’d lose a half hour of sleep here and there because I wanted to stay up watching television (which miraculously has a way of leading to chips or ice cream). Arnold Schwarzzenegger famously said that you should learn to sleep faster if you can’t get by on six hours of sleep. After years of insisting on shutting down for a minimum of 7–8 hours to promote physical recovery from training, I tried getting by on just 5–6 hours. No dice.

My brain and body just don’t work the same. The sleep I was getting wasn’t all that restful either. I’d frequently wake up during the night feeling restless. It wasn’t until I developed sleep rituals that I began falling asleep quickly and getting a deeper rest. With repetition, my body and mind got used to the same sequence of events every night leading up to bed time. Once I trained my brain, my body knew what to do as soon as my head hit the pillow.

By now, I’ve learned that seven hours is my sweet spot. Eight clean hours can make me feel like superman (mental note: start sleeping eight hours a night).

Recent research suggests ADHD symptoms are often a result of insufficient restful sleep. Sleep deprivation also exacerbates symptoms in kids and adults with ADHD. Your physical and emotional state is undoubtedly better when you get sufficient rest. Staying up late into the night with unproductive bullshit is a mistake, but so is getting by on five hours because you want to prove you’re a tough grinder. You simply won’t be functioning as well. It’s self-sabotage.

There is no magic pill to fix you. If you think of meds that way, you’ll be putting scotch tape on a gunshot wound. You’ve gotta stop the bleeding. Dig the bullet out. Repair the internal damage — then stitch it up. You’ve gotta let it heal and start actively rehabilitating if you want to get stronger. It’s not going to happen by accident or by divine intervention — even though it may feel like that in the end.

Although I’ve developed a good arsenal of skills to maximize my mental wellbeing, I still want to continue growing. My next step will be scanning my brain to understand what areas are being over or under stimulated and adjusting my lifestyle accordingly. As Dr. Daniel Amen, one of the nation’s foremost psychiatrists and a leading expert on brain health says, “Did you know that psychiatrists are the only medical specialists that virtually never look at the organ they treat? Think about it. Cardiologists look, neurologists look, orthopedic doctors look, virtually every other medical specialist looks — psychiatrists guess.”

It seems so obvious now that I want to run out and get my brain scanned as I write this. I’m excited to discover what changes I can make to improve my performance and sense of well being. Brain imaging will provide a road map.

No matter the cards you’ve been dealt, planning and hard work can help you become who you want to be. No circumstance is a limitation to an open mind. There are always ways to improve if you’re willing to search long enough. Luckily for me, I tend to get a little obsessed.

[angorith-arts]

I know this isn’t going to get any interactions and nobody is going to care but I don’t have anyone to talk to and need very badly to vent. Lately I have felt so horribly stuck. And tired and alone and I know I’m not, I know I have people to talk to about this but none of them need my baggage and I don’t want to burden them with all my bullshit. Even if I try to talk to them, I can’t get the words out. I feel like I can’t get anywhere. I’m never good enough to be where I want to be. I want to be better at riding but I’m not. I want to be better at drill and school and art but I’m not. And as desperately as I want to get better, I can’t summon up the energy to fucking be better. All I ever want to do is sleep. I get out of bed in the morning and all I want to do is crawl back in. I can start the school day off okay but by about fourth period this horrible wave of exhaustion hits me and for the entire rest of the day I can’t focus. I can stave it off while I’m around my friends and the drill team but as soon as that’s over all I want to do is go home and go to sleep. I haven’t even summoned up the energy to do my homework even though I know it’s going to catch up to me and I know my grades will tank and I know it’s going to give me anxiety later. And speaking of anxiety I am fucking anxious all the time. Literally nothing could be going on, it could be a night where I have no homework and nothing to clean and I have all the time to myself to be able to relax and get my shit together but even then I’d still be fucking anxious. And I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t do any of the things on my massive to do list and then I would feel like shit about it. I would just sit there on my phone thinking about all the shit I still needed to get done and then go to bed without doing any of it. Even right now I can’t articulate this feeling. I don’t know what is wrong with me. And I know all you guys are gonna be like ‘you have depression and adhd and anxiety and executive dysfunction’ and all that and you know what maybe that’s true. But even if I end up with all this shit that I’ve suspected I’ve had for a long ass time I can’t do anything about it. My family doesn’t have insurance and can’t afford to buy a whole bunch of meds for me. If I went to therapy I would miss all the stuff that I need to do at school and people are depending on me to be there. But I don’t know how to fix this and get out of this fucking rut that I am so deep in that I can’t seem to dig my way out. I just want to go to bed. And I hate that.

[befitandchase]

The ugly side of depression

Hey y’all. I just wanted to take a moment and talk to you about what’s been going on in my life recently.

So y’all know I suffer from anxiety and depression as well as ADHD. For the last 8 years I’ve been on and off medication. Right now I’m on a pretty good dosage on all my meds, except for maybe ADHA, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

I was also going to a therapist for the past couple of years, but I changed insurance plans on January 1st and everything has been fucked up since then. My policy downgraded everything. Instead of only paying $30 for doctors visits, I now have to pay 60% up front, which is a whopping $135 PER VISIT to see my therapist. And I saw him once a week for the past two years.

That was, unfortunately, the first thing that had to go. I thought I could handle it, but as it turns out, I really can’t, especially after what happened this past week.

My ADHD acted up suddenly last Monday and in a very negative way that ended up with me getting written up at work. It was devastating because I seriously thought I’d get fired. And that’s when the anxiety kicked into high gear. I had a panic attack the following morning, to the point where I nearly called into work. I didn’t and regret that decision because what followed was yet another altercation with my boss. I definitely said some things in the heat of the moment that I regret and now I’m still wondering how I’ll keep my job.

I’m exhausted. The ADHD, the anxiety, and the depression that followed has had me feeling like shit all week. Nothing felt like it was going right. And a whole hell of a lot of things went wrong last week following Monday’s write up. My eye swelled up because of a stye. My nail broke all the way down to the nail bed, which resulted in a very painful fix at the nail salon that had me yelping in pain for the better part of my appointment because the lady didn’t seem like she really gave a shit about my plight. And Thursday night... oh dear lord. I am definitely not putting this out there for the world to laugh at my expense. Let’s just say, my pant barely survived that dinner disaster. What really didn’t help the situation was finding out that not only Arrow was ending next season, so was Supernatural.

All in all, it’s been a very rough week and because of everything that’s happened, I’ve kinda lost interest in just about all the things I love. Self care has been thrown by the wayside as well. I don’t have the energy or the motivation to even the bare minimum of what’s considered hygienic. I haven’t been sleeping well, even with the medications I’m on. I haven’t brushed my teeth all week. I haven’t washed my face. I’ve only taken a shower once. My clothes might be in the wash, but they’re certainly not being put away. I’ve been living out of my laundry basket all week because I don’t have the will to put things in their rightful place.

My room is a god awful mess. Had I taken a photo earlier in the day, you would have seen clothes strewn all over the floor, the bed, and god knows where else. But I had just enough energy to empty one laundry basket and use it to clean up the mess. That doesn’t mean I still don’t have shit laying around where it’s not supposed to be.

I haven’t had the energy to clean my room either. My sister actually had to force me to vacuum by putting the thing physically in my room in order to get me to clean up even a little. I did what I could before laying back down and just playing games on my phone for the rest of the time.

The one activity I did manage to keep was going out with @noctemquietam. We were supposed to see Captain Marvel, but as things always do, plans changed and we had a lovely lunch at Wendy’s instead followed by chilling at her place and setting up the fish tank I gave her. It was the break I’ve needed all week even though I still feel like shit.

My room is still a disgusting mess. My face is still dirty, my hair is greasy, and I’m ready to pass out. But at least my laundry and floor are clean. Small victories.

So if you ever feel anxious or depressed or just plain down, remember that depression and anxiety and ADHD all have an ugly side. It’s okay not to feel okay. It’s okay to spend some time away from everyone or everything. As long as you find the energy to take your medication if you’re on something, and you try to at least do one thing that makes you happy, everything else will slowly start to fall back into place. It might take some time, but it gets better.

If my terrible week has taught me anything, it’s that I shouldn’t give up. Things might be shit for a while, but they do get better with time.

I’m going to take my own advice now and do something for me. I’m taking a shower and going to bed because I feel gross and I’m exhausted.

Goodnight, my friends. Hopefully tomorrow brings you happiness and good energy.

[thedandelionsighs]

update below the cut for any who are interested

I’m waiting on a call from the school in regard to going through with a medical withdrawal.  Here’s the three possible routes this takes:

- medical withdrawal is possible, I qualify, I withdraw, financial aid is fully or at least somewhat reimbursed, allowing me to return once I am fit to do so and complete my degree

- medical withdrawal is possible, but does not include any sort of reimbursement, meaning I will not be financially capable of finishing my degree any time in the next few years

- medical withdrawal is not something I qualify for, I withdraw from the semester with W’s across the board, and probably never finish my degree

All of my professors have been informed that I am looking in to this, and are encouraging and accepting of the choice I have made.  Small blessings.

Currently I’m still wearing the heart monitor that was given to me last wednesday.  HOpefully the tape is enough to hold it til this wednesday, but based on the info packet it’s not unusual for them to fall off early.  So.  We’ll see.  Still haven’t heard about scheduling an ultrasound...was told I was supposed to get a call..whatever.  My symptoms have been oddly sporadic the past two days, but as I’ve experienced a few stretches of time of relief well, I’m not going to complain.  It does not seem that my adderall is worsening/causing any of my symptoms, as I took it both yesterday and today and nothing seems to have changed.  So.  At least there’s that.  Stimulant is good - considering I’m sleeping 6 or less hours a night at this point.

Mental health is tanked. Completely tanked.  I’m incapacitated and incapable of doing...well.  Most everything at this point, though that’s probably partially due to being triggered by 2 separate situations.

- this entire situation is nearly identical to what led up to my not graduating high school.  The only thing missing is my mother freaking out about it.  Which, in truth, would be there if I’d...y’know.  Told her I was diagnosed with ADHD last April, switched majors, and am now withdrawing.  But.  Well, I haven’t.  For good reason.

- my best friend and roommate B is having a lot of trouble wrapping her mind around my situation, and is incapable of understanding my decision to withdraw.  She’s also one of those ‘I’ve worked since I was 16 and people who don’t confuse me especially when someone else is supporting them.’  This is information I was given by B’s best friend, who wanted to give me the chance to talk it through so I wasn’t blindsided when B and I sit down to talk (because we both know we need to).  Unfortunately, these 2 things are exactly what ruined my roommate/living situation in Oregon, and I have no idea what could make this situation any different than it was then.

And all of this doesn’t even touch on the things that have led up to this, the fact that the only meds I have currently are a) such a low dose of antidepressants it’s basically doing nothing (both my therapist and I agree if it is doing something then that’s..actually scarier) and b) recently re-added, my adderall, which while it is helping me function when my body refuses to get more than 6 hours of sleep, is also probably not going to help with the sleep issues

meanwhile one of my dad’s cats (who used to be my soul cat until I got my own after moving out) is dying and probably won’t last the week, and I have to say goodbye to him later today.

and all of this is resulting in my self-isolating because I don’t want to be obstructing or in the way of anyone else because I know how stressful it is to be around me right now, but of course that leads to everyone thinking I’m doing better than I am...

it’s just a shit show

it’s a shit show that I’m tired or reliving

I just.  Want to sleep for like a year.  Please.

[apathetic-revenant]

man it’s been a year

this time last year, I’d pretty much stopped having panic attacks but I still felt awful and my sleep was still fucked. I’d tried several medications but none of them had helped and I was starting to feel like nothing ever would.

in January, our cat Oxnard died unexpectedly, my dad slipped on ice and broke his knee immediately after moving to a new position that required him to drive a lot, and the propane company screwed around and didn’t deliver before the roads got bad so Mom and I spent a week in the living room huddled around a space heater while we tried to preserve the last little bit left in the tank. 

finishing up my transcript work I remember having an anxiety attack over it so bad I wound up on the couch crying and shaking. I had been trying to write a serial on my writing blog but eventually had to break down and admit that I couldn’t do it. it’s still over there, unfinished. I spent most of January and February sitting alone in the house playing video games and listening to the McElroys. it worked decently well as a distraction from Everything but every time I tried to take a break I felt everything crashing down on me again.

my birthday felt like nothing more than a painful reminder that I had spent the last year of my life doing nothing. but I got a Switch out of it. I played a lot of Breath of the Wild. we went to see a They Might Be Giants concert. the days got longer.

I started going to therapy. it didn’t exactly help a lot, but my therapist recommended me for a psych test to help figure out exactly what was going on. it took a long time to set up. I spent four hours doing various tests and filling out surveys. it took a few weeks for the results to come back. we went to visit my brother in DC, where he had a nice apartment and a successful job. I laid awake on an air mattress wondering if they were going to tell me that there was nothing really wrong with me and this was all just me all along.

they didn’t. they told me I had generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, attention deficit disorder, and autism spectrum disorder. it was kind of shocking to realize that I had actually been carrying all that around all this time. 

we finally found an anti-depressant that seemed to work. the first couple of ADHD meds didn’t, so much. but I was starting to actually feel alive again. my parents went to New Orleans for a week and I stayed and kept the house by myself. I realized with some surprise that it was not nearly as intimidating as I had expected. 

I finished Fictober and started watching Doctor Who again and carved a pumpkin and ate Halloween candy and actually rather enjoyed fall. I started a new ADHD medication. it was a longshot, and there was a brief scare where we thought I was allergic to it, but after a while I realized I seemed to have more ability to actually do things. I cleaned and rearranged my room for the first time in two years. I dyed my hair like I’d wanted to for a long time. 

I played a lot of Christmas music and ate peppermint patties and watched variations on A Christmas Carol and did not wake up at four-thirty in the morning every day. 

and though I feel a bit sad and at loose ends now that Christmas is over, and also have a head cold and don’t really want to do anything much, I don’t feel full of dread and awfulness and exhaustion with everything.

it’s still a little difficult to not feel as though I’ve wasted another year because I haven’t accomplished much in a tangible sense. I’m still living with my parents, still don’t have a job, still very uncertain about the future. but when I look back at everything that’s happened the past year it makes me realize that I have actually come a long way.

the world is still an awful trashfire and things are far from perfect and I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but I have more hope for the coming year now because whatever happens, I know I’m more equipped to handle it. 

so here’s to a hopeful 2019. maybe, just maybe, things will be okay. 

[carrotnosewitch]

feeling blah? check your space. (long step-by-step)

my husband, who is probably the smartest and most spiritually awesome person i’ve ever known, has been trying to instill this kind of mental acuteness within me for years. sometimes i remember it, sometimes i forget. sometimes i remember it but it’s a high pain day. y’know how it is.

this is a little things kind of thing at first. a lot of my time is spent in front of my computer and a lot of it is spent on the sofa or in bed. but wherever i am, i try to keep my surrounding area clean.

why? well let me explain, both in a spiritual way, and for practical reasons.

in a small space, like my desk and on my side table of my bed, it’s imperative to feel open and spacious. if my side table or desk gets cluttered, i feel claustrophobic, or overwhelmed by Stuff. even if it’s things that are there to give me positive thoughts. If there are too many, it’s time to declutter.

a lot of people (anxiety sufferers, a-spec folks, adhd people) have this thing that makes them block out things that stick around for a while. things that stay in a static place for too long become background noise, but they give a feeling of clutter. it also sucks when you’re looking around you and you’re hit with a wave of knowing it’s there to make you feel better, but you’ve gotten mentally weary of that exact thing that’s been there for a long time.

So, go over this checklist with me.

 Things up on the wall near you. How long has it been there? Is it helping? Is it mental/visual clutter? If it’s not stimulating it you how it should, it’s time to take it down.

Your horizontal space beside you. Does it have a bunch of unnecessary clutter? Are there things in that space that don’t have any important or special reason for being there? If you can, remove all the clutter, and re-arrange the important things to suit your space better. Don’t move things you have a reflex of it being there. (Y’know. tissue boxes, meds, your tablet pen, etc) 

Your outer bubble. Are there things in your immediate area beyond where you’re sitting which is distracting you or making you feel nervous, claustrophobic, or overwhelmed? Do your best to find a solution to this problem. Clean up, brighten the area, and put something there that helps you relax. 

Another big help is getting your whole area clean. Don’t push yourself to do everything at once. Take your time to do a little here and there, don’t rush yourself or stress yourself out about it. This is an in-depth reason for keeping things clean, how to feel super accomplished even in the littlest tasks, and respecting your own area. Here’s YA BIG ASS LIST.

Your bedroom: Clothes. are there dirty clothes around you, or clean clothes that haven’t been put away? Do yourself a favor and unclutter this first. Take all the dirty clothes you’ve been tripping over and sort them into light and dark piles. Put those light and dark piles. now you can start putting your clothes away. how i do this is i sort my clean clothes by what they are and which drawer they go. then i fold them and put them away. it gives me a chance to stretch and pop my back between the steps. And that’s like, six whole steps. now you’ve got two clean baskets (presumably) that you can use to put your dark and lights into for easier laundry. This is usually the worst and most draining job of the bedroom. break it into easy to do steps. drink some water while you’re doing it, just to make sure your joints aren’t getting tired while sorting and folding and putting away! Dishes. Are there any dishes in your room? Even if they’re stinky and weird, bring them into your kitchen. Get a clean glass for your water. Hey! that only took a few minutes, I’m sure. Give yourself a rest. A+ cleaning, and I’m not being condescending. That’s a great job! Garbage. I’m sure you’ve got some papers or snack wrappers, or drink cans/bottles/disposable cups. go from the door of your room with a plastic bag, gather stuff up as you pass by it. bring that out of your room, and suddenly you don’t feel like you live in a landfill. Bedding. How long have you been sleeping in between the same top cover and sheet? When’s the last time you changed out your pillowcase? It’s time for a change. remove them, throw them in a pile, and put some clean ones on. If you don’t have other ones, wash those and once they’re dry, put them back on. You’ll feel cleaner and get to sleep better. Clutter. Hell, this is me all over. I’ve got too much cool stuff and paperwork cluttering my shelves. I follow the six month rule with paperwork, clothes, and useful stuff that barely gets use. Are you going to need it or use it within six months? If no, get rid of it or pack it away. Bring the clothes to your local thrift store if you can. If you’ve got decorations that have gotten dusty or grimy, take one of your bored days to clean them up. not only will you be doing something that makes you happy, but it’ll make your room far less apt to accrue negative energy. Your knickknacks bring you joy. Treat them respectfully! Floor: Vacuum. get the dust, dead skin, and whatever else up out of there. Side note: If you are having bad dreams, there’s a few neato things you can do to help you sleep. Some people swear by amethyst under your pillow. Some others suggest other stones. idk about y’all but stones under my pillow are somehow worse than troubles with dreams or sleep. I prefer sachets for in your pillowcase. even if you aren’t the best at sewing, you can do this. Just get a tiny white fabric baggie. whatever works for you. Just make sure it’s secure, so the herbs don’t get loose and make your bed an itchfest. lavender is the primary scent people go with, though I’m not the biggest on that scent. anise is another one that works, because this is silly but true: it’s shaped like a star. cedar, since the middle ages, has been thought to cure persistent nightmares, and open you to lucid dreaming. jasmine is such an awesome flower and scent, so mellow and enchanting. i’d suggest this because of its calming and kind vibe. find dried jasmine and add it to the bag. there’s a ridiculous many herbs worth exploring here. If you want to get spicy with it, I suggest adding a sigil or even an amulet of the one you want to look over you in your sleep. I use an amulet of the archangel Gabriel, who presides over dreams and sleep.

Your Bathroom: Your area rugs. These little buggers need to be washed. They’re usually made of fabric. Fabric that hangs out in your dampest room, no less. You probably don’t think of it often, but mildew is not a good thing for your health, and those things get mildew like crazy. Time for the washer and dryer again! Your towels and washcloths. How long has that washcloth been chilling there? Okay, if it dries and becomes a stiff nasty mess? Time to switch them out. Towels (especially hand towels) need to be washed frequently, too. Not only because the mildew thing is still y’know. a thing. but you deserve to be cleaned by clean things. it’s better for your body, and it’s so good for your spirit, to know that you’re doing right by yourself. Your place you keep things. You know, that place you keep your products, makeup, whatever. Is it in disarray on a messy shelf or counter? Time to fix that up! Set all those things aside, clean the surface they’ve been chilling on. Then you can get things sorted and aligned. Did you know straight lines are satisfying? Try it. Also if you have a candle in there, just light it for a little bit. Not only is it trés romantic and luxurious, but it burns the stank out of there, not just physically, but otherwise, as well.  Your toilet. Not only the bowl. The bottomside of the seat, and the hinges that attach the seat and lid. and back behind those hinges, where the shitter meets the tank. Goodbye stink goblins! Also bye that general gross feeling.  Your tub. You dissociate there a lot, think your thoughts, and get clean, but that means your dead skin, hair, and oils are all over that. I personally use either orange cleaning solution or magic erasers, and those fucking rock that shit out. Oh, don’t forget to de-hair your drain. Gross nasty gluck. Personally, my mom told me to stop associating those oils, hair, and all that other stuff with yourself. (and nail clippings.) This makes sure you don’t wind up getting hexed. (Those nail clippings and that nasty hair can VERY easily be used in a hex bag.)  Your sink and mirror. First off, how the hell are you going to take bathroom selfies if this makes you always internally go “yikes”, and not at yourself. Scrub the toothpaste grit from around and in the sink. Side note: If you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror, you can set rose incense near the mirror, use that hypothetical bathroom candle, and turn the light off. Speak into the mirror, “I am the best me so far.” or something similar. Remind yourself that you are okay, no matter what kind of imperfections you think are there. You are incredible. Nobody’s seeing your flaws because they’re too busy fretting about their own. It’s cool. you’re cool.  Floor. while those stinky area rugs are out and on their way to the large cloth water vortex, take a minute to sweep. Envision yourself sweeping away not only the garbage and grut, but the anxiety and bad feelings. Dustpan, garbage, good. Trash. I left this for last. You’ve got a lot of stuff you’ll need thrown out.  If you use a plastic shopping bag in a tiny little garbage pail like i do, it’s time to clean it out. If you’re also a nasty bitch like me, you’ve gotta also put the stuff that missed the garbage can in there too. Go take that to your main trash to go out with you next time you leave your place. Well now your bathroom is flawless and won’t make you subconsciously make you anxious. You’ve got things looking like they’re almost meant to like, exist in the fictional world Jenna Marbles apparently lives. 

Kitchen: Fridge: Clean out all the nasty shit. Wipe it down. Put the containers over near the sink to wash. Dishes. Do you have piles of these nasty bitches fucking up your day, every time you go on a raid for sustenance? First step is to gather them, then take your time for each step. Wash them. Put them away. As you do this, speak to yourself, chant to yourself, or just think to yourself, that by cleaning these, you are doing right and fair to your body. a clean dish is a healthy dish. a clean pan is a pan that will cook happy foods. This whole room is capable of so much, and can do so much for your joy and health.  Sink. After you’re done cleaning the dishes, you can unstink your sink. Again, I’m all about that orange solution, but if you like another scent that makes you feel energized, go for it. This is the part of the kitchen that shares like, a third of the work. This is where all the negative and gross goes. Down the drain both physically and emotionally. Get the fuck out of here, nasty! Counters. Just wipe them down until they’re not nasty and crumb-laden and have spatters on them. tell them that they’re going to do great things for you. If you’re a kitchen witch, you’re making all your cool shit on them. Stove/microwave/the heaty thingy. Ungrut it. our friend the stovetop is the unfortunate victim of nasty cooked on things. So is our screwy science friend, the microwave. Scrubby dubby! sometimes you’ll need to soak ‘em. Whatever makes it easier for you.  Floor. It’s time to sweep! again, take that broom and use it, not just to get rid of sugar, cereal and even the dried corns nibblets that fell under the fridge, but the negative energies. again, be firm about it. Fuck outta here, dark spookies! carefully pour the stuff in your garbage. Ya Cabinets. Before you pull out the mop and bucket, don’t forget the surfaces of the cabinets. A Happier kitchen is a kitchen that doesn’t tell you the story of the ill-begotten incident of the chicken parm. You see that squidge of marinara on the cabinet door and have been annoyed by it since it was made. Time to get it gone.  All the while, think about the things these cabinets have seen. All the weird utensils you never use that live in this drawer. The fondue machine you bought with the aspirations of having a 70s night get together, as told to you by that very convincing guy at IKEA. Think of all these cool things in your kitchen. Focus on the positive moments you’ve spent in here. Picture the future of this kitchen. And thank it for the memories to come. Floor 2: Slippery Boogaloo. Mop and bucket time!!! No seriously if you don’t like mopping, idk what to say. Do your kitchen a solid and scrub away all that nasty crap that didn’t make it into the dust pan. Once you’re done and it’s drying, feel fucking awesome about a job well done.  Side note: Hey y’know what kicks ass in a kitchen? The scent of the season. A lot of people get down with the welsh calendar, and that’s a great way of cycling through the seasons comfortably for people. then there’s the regular four seasons, but do it how you want. It’s imbolc as of the time I’m writing this. I personally love cinnamon and sandalwood, since they’re both wonderfully warm scents, to balance out the wintry shivers of the outside. You can use essence oils, or like, airwicks, or candles, or even make a wreath with those fun things in there that are aromatic on one of your walls. 

Living room Seriously, all these hot takes can be used in the living room now. Clean under and between the couch cushions. clean your decorations. declutter. Remember the good times as you clean. And then to cleanse it of all the gross energies, do what you do. Use white and sweet flower/herb scents to reset the most important room of your house’s energies.  Side note: If you want to keep your stuff from disappearing, place a pin safely deep under your couch/chair cushion. This is called pinning the devil. you’re literally pinning down whatever it is that’s keeping you from finding - or straight up disappearing - your stuff. If you have guardians - decorations of animals of some sort - make sure they have a full spy of the room. I prefer putting one on each corner of the room so everything can be seen. This makes sure the energy you want in your home is respected. If someone has bad intentions, this will give off a vibe of them being unwelcome and feel your guardians’ eyes on them. If they’re someone that you appreciate, and you feel comfortable around, these guardians will keep things nice for you and give your home a welcoming feeling. don’t forget to dust them. 

[drake-the-incubus]

I’ve been seeing a post lately on how the “sleeping and eating well, showering and going for a jog things aren’t meant to cure, but are an improvement and I’m appalled.

Like, no, in its own form, those things for improvement are meant to cure. Even if they’re meant for improvement, improvement of mood is a cure of depression I’m so sorry. But most people DO mean it as a cure.

And I can say from lived experience I’m less depressed not forcing myself to do things to be “healthy and happy” than I was doing that all the time. Am I physically worse off for it? Yeah. But part of the reason is, my depression’s cause actively fights half of those activities.

I’m depressed because I’m Autistic. But let’s go back. At 14 to sixteen, I was extremely depressed. At 18 I had my worst depressive episode.

At these times I was;

- forced to keep clean

- forced to eat healthily

- was fairly active willingly

- went to multiple clubs and activities

- engaged in media in a way to help my brain develop

Like, I still would do these things, but here’s what drains my energy to the point where I stop functioning;

- keeping clean. I... I don’t know how to explain to everyone I meet that keeping clean means I can’t do other things. It takes too many spoons and puts me in a foul mood, so I usually do it at the end of the day. I also never feel clean and end up injuring myself because I can’t feel clean.

- Eating healthily. This one is more of a financial issue? I spend like 1200 or more on bills and non-food necessities. So I can’t afford good food, not to mention my only fridge is a mini-fridge and my tap water makes me want to throw up. I also have extreme paranoia of running out of food so I can’t get myself to consistently eat. And making meals means I have to make more dishes, which is a task that drains my spoons and I can’t eat.

- I’m still active. It’s pacing/walking and keeps me in fairly good shape as it takes up a majority of my day. This risks me getting in severe amounts of pain because my knees hate me!

- I don’t go to clubs or activities because I don’t go to school anymore and I can’t find any that cater to me. I’m Autistic and LGBT+, my interests will throw me with Cis men, and a majority of the province I’ve met so far have been transphobic, and I can’t stealth because of my voice. In fact being misgendered causes me so much distress I try not to run into people. It was deemed unsafe to hold pride last year in the capital because of the transphobia and other issues going on. So yeah! Nothing like the added stress.

- Engaging with media that strengthens your brain is tiring and sometimes I want to just shut my brain off.

I have other multiple issues, like PTSD, OSDD-1b and other major issues I’m not going to go through, but the point is, these don’t assist me in being less depressed, because my depression is a symptom.

I can do these things, and it can help me physically feel better, but cost mental health that I’m not willing to give up.

Things that I’ve actively come to realize do help my mental health;

- Alone time. A lot of it. I’m introverted and being near people drains my spoons, it’s energy consuming.

- Fun snacks and treats for myself. A reward system makes life feel less shitty.

- Figuring out my issues and treating them.

- Setting minor goals I can accomplish

And I did this on my own because I realized CBT didn’t work on me, and made me worse off. Specifically because at the time, my therapist’s advice was to “just do your thing and ignore your father” and my father was abusive and a huge source of my mental health issues.

But that’s genuinely sound advice for other people, just NOT me.

And so is the above! It’s good to exercise, to clean yourself, to eat and sleep properly. This is used to treat acute depression and it works. Same as putting yourself into a new environment.

But the problem isn’t that people who say, “thanks I’m cured” are wrong, it’s that this is shoved down their throats and it doesn’t help them. Improving your quality of life is ACTUALLY not the most important step.

Recognizing why and how you have depression is.

Let’s not talk about how I’ve been told the above will help my autism- by a therapist no less who wouldn’t actually research into my autism to assist me- and how these steps never improved my quality of life but ruined them because I had other more important factors.

And I’m not saying that the advice isn’t sound, it is! If you can manage these things, please do so, because poor physical health CAN deteriorate your mental health.

But people with PTSD and ADHD are not going to benefit from “sleep hygiene”. Specifically because these posts are just said at face value and no one knows what the fuck it means.

Which pisses me off, because like,

A) what worked for your mental health is not applicable to someone else, my friend and I need different things. One of those things is my friend cannot be completely alone, it fucks them up mentally, I need the isolation otherwise I fucking lose it.

B) Comorbidity is high with depression. Particularly, people who are Neurodivergent, Traumatized, or have physical disorders tend to end up also with depression. It’s usually caused by untreated issues or struggling to fit in to society with these issues. If you can’t fix that, then you can’t assist them.

C) Improvement isn’t going to make “people’s lives so much better”. That’s... Okay let’s talk about something. Improvement means your mental health goes up a bit, but recovery isn’t linear and focussing on these traits as “helpful, can assist immensely” without mentioning that your mental health is going to tank again, just less severe as before and if you don’t track it, you’ll 5ink you’re not recovering, is actually anti-recovery.

Which I want to underline, promoting things for “recovery” while not being a licensed specialist, and not warning for the fact that someone is going to feel better and then feel bad again in a vacillating manner, is anti-recovery. You’re setting someone up to sabotage themselves. Someone is going to look at your condescending post and if it works, and then they feel like shit, they’re going to blame themselves.

But your little spicy posts on how saying, “thanks I’m cured” is anti-recovery and it’s not about curing people, doesn’t WORK if you leave out the narrative of people telling us that this cures us.

You’re erasing the narrative on why people react that way to make them seem anti-recovery, and no, these people genuinely want assistance, they’re just fucking tired of the same bullshit without substance and you’re an idiot.

If I’m allowed to tell my step-father to fuck off for unsolicited mental health advice, I’m allowed to tell a random stranger on the net with a post devoid of actual advice to also fuck off.

So, TDLR;

Mental health is very tricky and while physically taking care of yourself can help, it’s not actually sound advice. There’s more to recovery than that and it’s fairly anti-recovery in itself as it never addresses how recovery is about feeling better and feeling bad again because mental health is a bitch.

No one should be making sweeping statements on what assists with depression or other disorders, and everything should be posited as, “this may not work” and should definitely have a disclaimer of, “if it does work and then stops working that’s a process of recovery, and continue doing it as you would take your meds to settle in”.

What are my credentials?

- Psychology as a special interest and career path.

- 4 years of medical fuckery with recovery before I broke off until I can actively find someone to assist me and get the rest of my diagnoses’.

- I’ve lived this. Genuinely lived this issue, and know other people to. This comes from years of knowing depressed people who have other disorders and are marginalized.

Final Note; Please take care of yourselves as best as possible, do what’s within your means and don’t put yourself down for struggling. Try new coping mechanisms out if you see them, to see how your mood is after a bit.

Remember your mental health is important, but figuring out what does and doesn’t work takes practice, and recovery is never linear. Let yourself fall again, because climbing back isn’t going to slowly get easier.

[lotusofhope]

Nickname: It used to be Scarlett but uh.. then i realized she was a different person.. whoops

Zodiac: I think Rat? born in 1996 so. ya know.

Height: 5’ 7″

Hogwarts House: I’m trans so automatically im evil i.e. syltheryn

Last thing I googled: OH FUCK i played myself... i googled “google history”

Song in my head:   https://open.spotify.com/track/3GwcspDvZfXSJWkABdg0vO?si=Cbzn97V0T_6YkwKyHl3kRA : 僕らのあしあと / 告白 by Supercell cuz it was on in the car a few minutes ago

Number of followers: fifty something

Amount of sleep: entirely too much recently; new adhd meds are helping but also not helping

Lucky number: wut.. uhh... 27

Dream job : the ability to hold a job is but a far off dream.. but.. something in politics maybe like working for the justice democrats

Wearing: a tank top that is a bit too small and really short shorts; just went out for a meal

Favourite author:Right now SIU cuz i’m obsessed with Tower of God

Favourite instrument: my voice if i had vocal surgery .. if i could learn anything maybe electric guitar? idk something to explore in the future

Aesthetic: useless gay

Favourite song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OgxqNWoGmY Hysteria by Nano

Favourite animal noise: huh uhhh, i guess when cats purr. very good.

Random fact: I think I’ve come out to the same people a record number of times... Gay, trans, plural, shit dude I got it covered now. Actually it’s very hard every time still but ya know.. it’s only gone poorly once and that guy was a total asshole @adhd-hippie

[emoka-thruth]

when we’ll anyone take me seriously?

since adults insist on the world being so serious, why is it that we dont take mental illness seriously? wy is it that for the first time in my 20 yeras of life tonight i’ve heard my dad, my cool ‘enlightened’ dad, tell me ‘your generation is just looking for every opportunity to get out of work.

My dad lost a daughter from a previous marriage to suicide(it was ruled an accident though). and still, he still doesn’t get that just because he grew up in communism and saw the tanks in the hungarien revolution of ‘56... it doesn’t mean that this generations struggles arent just as real, especially in what most would consider eastern europe.

A thought that just got formed in to words in this night of corona and wine-o stuppor this: Do i really completely have to lose my shit before you take me seriously?

For i good few years i was so greatful to be this priviledged and have all this financial support and a rrof over my head, food on the tabel, that i was even reluctant to express if a dress my mom though was cute i thought unbearable. After a while I was done being greatful with the help of a proffesional, but even then i was exhausted to have to fight over every single small, insignificant, decisoon i made or whenever i disagreed about their choice for me. To this they i hate conflict im a sun and moon leo who hates conflict.. how much do you have to push a person who was once strong, confident, difient, nd proud to be exhausted from the smallest things?

I am actually very thankful for and cherish my parents for the most part. It’s just that i got forced into yet another decision by them, uni, because i was to tired to stand up for my self. we’ve been sweeping my mental health problems under the rug for years, about 6, at this point.

i just want my problems to have a name so that i know what to do with it you know?

I’m going to a psychiatrist now, which is a huge step, but she only ever mentioned me having depression and possibly going on meds. i agree i certainly have traits of depression, but i’ve always had a hesitation to go on meds, not sure what im gonna do about that yet. But she hasn’t said a word about what i actually went to see her for, ADHD/ADD, since the first session. she’s a wonderful person, one of the most experienced in the country, i can’t do better than her and that honestly starts to scare me, I also misseda session with her because my mental state is once again declining, irragular sleeping patterns, late awakening, forgetfulness, motivationlessness, anxiety to the brim... you know just the usual.

Anyway this felt good to think through, i already wrote an unposted very detailed symptom story from childhood with 960 words,,,, so thanks for reading i guess

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