#out of manflesh

[onestevetogo]

Lord of the Abridged: Tower Power

Frodo - I miss Gandalf.

Sam - I am a packmule.

Gollum - I have somehow hunted the ring better than nine wraith assassins.

Frodo - I hate this ring.

Gollum - Gimme the ring!

Frodo - I’ll give you the Sting.

Gollum - Oh no.

Frodo - Gollum, lead us to Mordor.

Gollum - That’s a terrible idea.

Sam - That’s a terrible idea.

Frodo - This is a great idea.

Orcs - We’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!

Pippin - I want some nice crispy bacon.

Merry - I am sick.

Orcs - Here’s a homemade family recipe.

Merry - yucky.

Oruk - You’re yucky :(

Oruk - wait…

Oruk - ManFlesh!

Aragorn - They noticed my manflesh.

Gimli - This distance is physically twice for me as it is for everyone else. #DurinsFolkStruggles

Legolas - They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!

Saruman - Nothing could possibly go wrong with the arrangement I have with my new best friend Sauron.

Sauron - I don’t know who that weird goth dude is but keep him a good ten feet from me.

Orcs - We demand rest!

Oruk - Damn unions.

Orcs - We demand good food!

Oruk - Let them eat cake.

Dave - I want to take a bite of a hobbit! A hobbite!

Oruk - Scum! *killing noises*

Dave - *getting killed noises*

Orcs - We demand Dave!

Oruk - You drive a hard bargain.

Merry - Crawly crawly.

Pippin - Sneaky sneaky.

Dave’s cousin also named Dave - I demand a hobbite!

Rohirrim - We’re a traveling play. Wanna see our act?

Orcs - *Dies*

Oruk - *Dies*

Hobbits - Cliffhanger!

Aragorn - We’ve been running all night.

Legolas - Man, I’d love to see a play.

Rohirrim - We’re a traveling play. Wanna see our act? All it needs is a dead dwarf.

Legolas - How dare you threaten the life of my best buddy in the whole wide world!

Aragorn - …

Rohirrim -…

The horses - …

Gimli -…

Aragorn - Have you seen some orcs? They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard.

Eomer - They’re dead. Dead as hell. If your kids were there, they’re dead too. We can’t tell the difference.

Aragorn - oh shit.

Legolas - oh shit.

Gimli - oh shit.

Witch king - *stubbed toe screeching*

Frodo - Oh no! It’s Mister Stabby!

Gollum - It’s cool. They suck at their jobs.

Witch king - *Screeches elsewhere*

Gollum - Don’t follow the lights.

Frodo - You’re not my mom.

Ghosts - Hey little halfling. Want some candy?

Frodo - I love candy!

Ghosts - Hahaha! It wasn’t candy at all!

Frodo - *Ghostly drowning noises*

Gollum - What did I just say?

Merry - Is Dave still chasing us?

Pippin - DAVE, ARE YOU STILL CHASING US?!?!

Merry - wtf, Pippin?

Dave - I’m still chasing you!

Treebeard - Gimme the hobbits.

Dave - *Roadkill noises*

Treebeard - I’m a tree with a beard! Guess my name!

Merry -…

Pippin - Dave?

Aragorn - Where’s the hobbits?

Gimli - I found a dead orc!

Aragorn - That’s not a hobbits!

Legolas - Ew don’t touch it.

Gandalf - I’m gonna scare the shit out of these three.

Gandalf - *Lightshow*

Aragorn - Holy shit!

Legolas - Holy shit!

Gimli - Holy shit!

Gandalf - Lmao. Let’s go to Rohan.

Theoden - mnmmnbnbmmmm.

Grima - He says he doesn’t like you.

Gandalf - Theoden? More like Theodumb.

Theodumb - bffbmmnm.

Grima - He says your shoes are raggedy and your staff looks like a pleasurable instrument.

Gandalf - wizardwhocantgetlaidsayswhat

Sarumon - What?

Gandalf - Lmao.

Saruman - PAIN!

Gandalf - PAIN!

Saruman - Egad!

Theoden - *Grasps his killing stick* I’m Theodone.

Grima - I’m Theodead.

Sarumon - If he wants pain, I’ll show him some pain.

Grima - How?

Sarumon - I’ve grown several thousand muscular, voracious hunks who will do anything I tell them.

Grima - Good for fighting?

Sarumon - …

Grima - For fighting, right?

Theoden - Let’s go to Helm’s Deep.

Aragorn - Yes, nothing could go wrong.

Gandalf - Deuces.

Gimli - I’ve had like five lines and zero agency in this movie so far.

Legolas - It’s hard being a princess. ✨✨

Aragorn - Hey you’re pretty good with that sword.

Eowyn - I will literally have your child right here in this hallway.

Legolas - :O

Gimli - :O

Sméagol - :O

Sarumon - :O

Morgoth - :O

Eru Illuvitar - :O

Tom Bombadil - :O

That one orc head on a spear - :O

Anyone with half a brain cell - :O

Aragorn - She seems nice.

Gollum - *Having a meltdown*

Gollum.exe has stopped working.

Gollum - Rebooting.

Sméagol - Sméagol.exe.

Sméagol - …

Sméagol - It’s wabbit season.

Orcs - We’re a traveling band! Wanna hear our latest single “Omnom”?

Rohan Soldiers - “Omnom”?

Wargs - Omnomnomnom!

Soldiers - *Fighting*

Eowyn - ManFlesh!

Aragorn - *To orc Uber* I will pay you to throw me off this cliff.

Orc taxi - A dollar’s a dollar!

Aragorn - *Flying king noises*

Sméagol - It’s fish season.

Gondorites - It’s little gremlin season.

Frodo - Hol up. He’s a little weird but he’s aight.

Faramir - I was going to kill you but didn’t. There’s no other information I can offer here that could improve future events.

Sméagol - *Dramatically* I’ve been betrayed!

Faramir - Tell me what I want to know.

Sméagol - Gollum.exe

Merry - Take the hobbits to Isengard!

Treebeard - No.

Merry - Aw man.

Treebeard - What’s this? Deforestation?! HRAGBLAGMIMGONNAKILLTHATLITTLESHIT!

Merry - Yay!

Treebeard - We all might die but that’s okay!

Merry - Y…yay?

Aragorn - *Dramatic Entrance*

Eowyn. - Take me right here.

Aragorn - Orcs.

Theoden - Orcs?!

Gimli - These are Uruk Hai!

Uruk - Uruk hi!

Theoden - So it begins.

It - *beginning*

Gimli - Two already!

Legolas - I’m on seventeen!

Gimli - That’s not fair fighting!

Legolas - :)

Gimli - Fighting, right?

5 days later:

Theoden - This is too much fighting!

Aragorn - Let’s fight some more.

Theoden - Sounds good bestie!

Gandalf - PAIN!

Eomer - PAAAAAAAAAAAIN!

Gandalf - Oh shit.

Orcs - Oh shit.

Treebeard - Orc mush! Mush orc!

Treesbeard - Reverse veganism!

Sarumon - Sauron pick me up I’m scared

Legolas - We’re alive!

Soldiers - We’re alive!

Eowyn - ManFlesh!

Aragorn - *hiding king noises*

Gandalf - That was close.

Frodo - Something just happened.

Faramir - Run little child thing. Be free.

Hobbits - *Scampering off*

Faramir - I feel like there’s something I forgot to do.

Later :

Gollum - I’m gonna murder these hobbits.

Credits

[novelmonger]

Continuing to watch through the Writer/Director commentary of LotR (with Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh) and jotting down any new-to-me information I come across. Here's what I gleaned from TTT:

When they got the New Line logo to put on the movies, it was very old and scratched, so PJ gave it to Weta to touch it up. They joked about how they should bill New Line for it XD

Originally, the studio wanted TTT to start off with a prologue too, with Cate Blanchett narrating what sounds like it was basically going to be a "Previously on..." spiel, even though they didn't like the idea of the prologue in the first one. Thankfully, these three ignored the studio's advice both times XD

The Uruk who says "Manflesh" is also the guy in Sauron's armor in the prologue!

In the scene where the Rohirrim find Theodred, it's not actually raining! They used rain towers for the close-ups, but any wide shots just have CG rain. I would never have guessed!

Andy Serkis did the voices for the Uruk-Hai who says the "maggoty bread" line, and the orc who says, "Yeah, why can't we have some meat?" (The actor in the suit for the latter is, of course, Jed Brophy, who went on to play Nori in the Hobbit movies.)

Somehow it never registered for me that Orlando Bloom has brown eyes, and so he had to wear blue contacts when he played Legolas ^^' But sometimes he wasn't able to wear the contacts (or forgot), so there are some scenes where they had to fix it in post.

PJ called the Treebeard from the animated Bakshi movie "a walking carrot" XD He also said that Treebeard is his favorite character!

The scene with Smeagol killing Deagol was originally going to be a flashback right after Frodo says his name, and then the Nazgul shriek would pull the audience out of the flashback. They decided not to do that for pacing reasons and because we haven't spent much time with Gollum yet, so that's why they put it at the beginning of RotK instead.

Bernard Hill had his son with him on the shoot and would play with him in his downtime on the Edoras set. Puts things into perspective when you hear that he was the one who came up with the line "No parent should have to bury their child."

They were originally looking at Bernard Hill for Gandalf! (I feel like I've probably heard this before, but anyway.)

They filmed a flashback to Aragorn and Arwen's first meeting?! Viggo shaved to make himself look younger, and it was a scene of the two of them "frolicking about the forest." It was originally going to be put in the Lothlorien sequence, but they cut it out in favor of that scene between Aragorn and Boromir, because they decided it was more important to earn Boromir's death scene than to remind the audience of the romance. I agree with that decision, but it would be cool to see that footage! (I say as someone who prefers to skip the TTT Aragorn/Arwen scene entirely XD)

Originally, the warg battle was going to happen at Edoras itself. It was going to be at night, everything was going to be on fire, and ultimately that was going to be the reason everyone evacuated and went to Helm's Deep. Also, a warg was going to be set on fire and end up dragging Aragorn through the streets, and that was going to be how Aragorn would be left for dead. Ultimately, the reason they did it the way they did was because the studio wasn't sure Weta could do a flaming warg (something all three of them laughed about, considering everything Weta did manage to do with flying colors), and because it would have been a nightmare to light the Edoras set at night, because that location was so remote and so windy. Which is why every scene in Edoras takes place in the daytime!

In the scene where Faramir talks about his dream where he saw Boromir in the boat, you can see a sort of pinkish color in the water around Boromir's body. That's because the dye from his shirt (surcoat? idk) was leaking out into the water! XD

When Andy Serkis did ADR for the Forbidden Pool scene, he couldn't manage to sing the song off-key, so they had to use the audio from the motion capture footage XD

They shot some additional footage of Aragorn unconscious on Brego's back, riding past an orc encampment, that they never ended up using.

Theoden was originally going to give a speech to the soldiers in the armory, but Bernard Hill's performance was so inspiring that it defused most of the tension they were trying to build up before the battle, so they took it out. Would love to see that footage!

So the boy Aragorn encourages before the battle ("There is always hope.") was Philippa Boyens' son, who was 13 when they filmed the scene. But by the time they went to do ADR, his voice had broken, so they had to get a different child actor to say his lines.

Aww, the extra who was missing an eye said he always felt self-conscious about his missing eye, so he always wore an eyepatch. But then after they gave him a close-up and the guy saw the movie, he said he felt much better about his appearance! :')

Treebeard's line "I always like going south; it feels like going downhill" was ad-libbed!

When Saruman turns and reacts to all the water pouring in and washing his machinery away, that shot was actually a reaction shot to Wormtongue on top of the tower from the RotK movie that they repurposed for this scene instead, since they hadn't shot any reactions to the flood.

At least at the time of the recording of this audio commentary, the final shot of Gollum, where he's arguing with himself and ultimately decides to lead Frodo and Sam to Shelob, was the longest CG shot in any movie. (I tried to google what the current record is, but couldn't find anything, so if anyone knows, I'd love to hear about it!)

Fran Walsh: "All cinema storytelling, to a degree, is shallow. That's the nature of the medium. You've got two or three hours to present a world and a dense story with a hundred themes and a ton of backstory, in this instance, and 22 characters...so you can only really have the veneer of depth. You really can't have anything that comes close to the depth of the books, or the experience of the books. So I think what we attempted to do was to use the language of the books where we could and to certainly invoke them, the iconic images, where we could, but to keep the storytelling very much...to modernize it, if you like, in terms of cinema language. So we didn't, for example, use the style of storytelling that was in the books between these different after-the-fact storytelling, of Sam and Frodo and then a chunk of the Aragorn story. We completely undercut it. That was a far more immediate and engaging way to connect it to the audience. You can't really hope to satisfy people who adore this book, with the movie. You can only ever give them the sense of what might have been. That's all a film can do. I think, in that sense, films...I mean, they're entertainments. They're just not going to give you the pleasure that a book can give you."

[maturemenoftvandfilms]

The Senator from Georgia

Featuring Former U.S. Sen. David Perdue

My new boss, the CEO of the non-profit I worked for, was hosting a public rally in Georgia for Donald Trump, featuring the expected attacks on President Joe Biden and other Democrats. What was surprising was the reemergence of one his top allies during a string of speeches before the former president took the stage. Former U.S. Sen. David Perdue, who had retreated from the spotlight following a huge loss in the GOP's 2022 gubernatorial primary. But now he's returning to Georgia's political scene, campaigning to put Donald Trump back in the White House.

It was here in a northwest Georgia arena, packed with thousands of Trump supporters that I met Sen. Perdue for the first time. “Officially” met, that is.

I wondered if he remembered me. I certainly remembered him… and the impressively large cock he was always showing off around the senate. Publicly and privately. I remembered how he commanded me to “suck that cock” as I swallowed and nearly choked on the fat piece of succulent manflesh. I remembered how he came like a geyser, his cum dribbling out of my mouth and leaving a few drops on my shirt. I remembered him patting me on the cheek before he zipped up, leaving me on my knees to clean up. I remembered the many times I jerked off, imagining how that big dick would stretch my hole while he fucked me.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Perdue.” I said, his firm handshake and the scent of his cologne were sending heat to my groin, but he looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time.

“You know,” David said, lowering his voice, “I remember what a hot cocksucker you are.”

“And I still think about that cock of yours when I’m fingering my hole.” I retorted.

He reached into his pocket and handed me a business card.

“Believe me, once I’m inside you, that will be all you think about. You’ll need to call in sick the next day.”

“Mmmm…I can’t wait, daddy. Just promise not to tell my boss.”

After the rally, it didn’t take long before we both found ourselves in a hotel room, kissing passionately. I was amazed. There is the guy from all those months back with the biggest dick I’ve ever sucked, looking a lot more handsome than I remembered and was now dressed in a button up white shirt denim jacket, jeans with brown boots. David pulled back, quickly taking off his jacket and shirt and flung it down.

“Wow David!” I breathed as I starred at this hot muscular stud before me. “What a wonderful body you have!”

With that said David took off his boots. He then teasingly moved his hands up his legs and rubbed his enormous bulge before bringing his hands to his buckle which he proceeded to undo and then he undid the top button and slowly unzipped his fly. Once he had undone his fly, he tugged on his jeans, so they feel to the floor. I could see that David was commando! Just like those months before David’s hard 10.5” cock sprang up into the air and reveal all its glory along with a nice large pair of balls. He had salt & Pepper hair all over his body. He looked the vision of beauty.

Seeing the older guy standing before him in his full glory, we kissed passionately.

"Suck this." David said with a large wide grin.

Now on my knees, I was hypnotized by the enormous organ as it pointed towards me from a forest of salt and peppered pubic hair. Seizing the former senator’s manhood with both hands, I could feel the blood pulsating through the shaft as I brought it to my lips.

"Oh Lloyd," David groaned, cradling my head in his hands as the I began sucking his cock.

I used one hand on the shaft of David's manhood, spinning and pumping his fist over the part that his mouth would never be able to reach, while with his other hand, I played with his balls, squeezing, and churning the eggs that hung low in an over-sized sac. The former senator smiled looking down at me as I looked up at him for his approval, my mouth full of a whole lot of his cock. A lot more than his wife had ever been able to manage, and considerably more than anyone else had been able to handle. He held the sides of my head and began fucking my face, his hips moved slightly as I sucked on his cock.

"That's it," David hissed as my mouth and hands worked faster and harder. "Jerk it hard. Both hands."

Now with both hands on the shaft of his David's cock, my fists working up and down the richly veined surface while his mouth worked over the head. I saw David's knees buckle a little just before his felt the warm seed spurt into his mouth.

"Stand up and take those clothes off."

I did as I was told and was standing naked and hard in front of him. David caressed my shoulders and chest then my stomach then caressed my hard dick. It was visible smaller than his. He cupped my balls and squeezed them gently. Then he hugged me to him and slid his hands down to my round ass and squeezed it as he crushed me to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him feeling his solid dick pressed to my stomach. He kissed me hard forcing my mouth open and his tongue deep into it. He kissed me for a long time before breaking his hold on me and we both panted for air.

"Maybe we should hit the bedroom so I can put you to work."

I did as I was ordered, with David smacking my ass as I got up on the bed on all fours. My ass was up for him to reach as my excitement grew as I was anticipated a cock up my ass. Suddenly I felt a tongue licking my hole. As he laps the hole madly, I moaned in delight.

“Oh yes Sen. Perdue. That is so good!”

David suddenly stopped and I felt the head of his cock along my crack and especially my pale pink button of an asshole. I heard him spit into his hand then felt him pushing for the best angle in. The pain grew as his big cockhead looked to get into my man pussy. Suddenly I felt my ass being torn in two. Oh, the pain! He stroked slowly, working the whole 10.5" into me till his hips pressed against my ass.

Gripping my hips, David began to firmly stroke in and out of me. Slowly at first, pulling out till the head almost slipped out then thrust it smoothly back in. In and out the older guy’s cock goes. His rhythm began to pick up speed as he grunted with pleasure. I gasped out loud with each thrust into me as David fucks me hard and forcefully for a good 15 minutes.

By now, I was pushing back against his thrusts enjoying the sound of skin slapping together, and that hard dick pounding my ass. This spurred him to pump into me faster and harder forcing more moans and gasps from me.

"God YES! Fuck me senator, Fuck me!"

He smiled as he crawled on to the bed and over me. He took my legs and pressed them back to either side of my chest rolling my used hole up to an enterable position. He pressed forward and slid that hard cock back into me. I could feel the head swell as he stroked in and out of me. He lowered his weight on to me and kissed me deeply forcing my mouth wide and submissive to him. Locked in that kiss, with him slamming his whole body against and in me I moaned into his mouth with each thrust. I was completely in his control. I lost all track of time; I didn't know how long we fucked like that. Kissing and panting, grunting, and sweating but suddenly he was pressing deep into me, spraying my insides with his hot cum.

At the same time, I couldn’t hold back and pump wave after wave of my own juices flying all over us.

“Oh, fuck yes Daddy-David!” I cried out with pleasure, embracing each other and kissing passionately.

Both of us covered with each other’s cum and all hot and sweaty. Later when his cock woke back up, I let him cum in my mouth and we fucked again and this time we went to sleep with him in me.

[bearhaviour]

Manflesh!

I'm really excited for this one but it's also gonna suck out my soul once we're in the rendering stage. 10+ characters in this one orz

[marta-bee]

Rereading The Hobbit chapter "Roast Mutton," I'm struck by a) how funny it is, and b) how hard it would be to capture that humor in video form.

Bilbo and the dwarves are getting their first taste of camping which isn't really agreeing with them. It's raining and they can't even get a fire started. One of their ponies got spooked and ended up in the river, ruining most of their food stores. They're cold and generally miserable. And then they see a campfire through the trees and send Bilbo off to investigate.

Which is when things get really fun. And, in fairness, the fun goes on for quite a bit. I'm afraid I enjoyed this scene too much not to share it in all its glory; you can skip down to the row of asterisks below the cut if you don't need to read 2,000-ish words of Tolkien hamming it up.

So, naturally, he got right up to the fire - for fire it was - without disturbing anyone. And this is what he saw. Three very large persons sitting round a very large fire of beech-logs. They were toasting mutton on long spits of wood, and licking the gravy off their fingers. There was a fine toothsome smell. Also there was a barrel of good drink at hand, and they were drinking out of jugs. But they were trolls. Obviously trolls. Even Bilbo, in spite of his sheltered life, could see that from the great heavy faces of them, and heir size, and the shape of their legs, not to mention their language, which was not drawing-room fashion at all, at all.

"Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey, if it don't look like mutton again tomorrer," said one of the trolls.

"Never a blinking bit of manflesh have we had for long enough," said a second. "What the 'ell William was a-thinkin' of to bring us into these parts at all, beats me - and the drink runnin' short, what's more," he said jogging the elbow of William, who was taking a pull at his jug.

William choked. "Shut yer mouth!" he said as soon as he could. "Yer can't expect folk to stop here for ever just to be et by you and Bert. You've et a village and a half between yer, since we come down from the mountains. How much more d'yer want? And time's been up our way, when yer'd have said 'thank yer Bill' for a nice bit o' fat valley mutton like what this is." He took a long bite off a sheep's leg he was toasting, and wiped his lips on his sleeve.

Yes, I am afraid trolls do behave like that, even those with only one head each. After hearing all this Bilbo ought to have done something at once. Either he should have gone back quietly and warned his friends that there were three fair-sized trolls at hand in a nasty mood, quite likely to try toasted dwarf, or even pony, for a change; or else he should have done a bit of good quick burgling. A really first-class and legendary burglar would at this point have picked the trolls' pockets - it is nearly always worthwhile if you can manage it - pinched the very mutton off the spite, purloined the beer, and walked off without their noticing him. Others more practical but with less professional pride would perhaps have stuck a dagger into each of them before they observed it. Then the night could have been spent cheerily.

Bilbo knew it. He had read of a good many things he had never seen or done. He was very much alarmed, as well as disgusted; he wished himself a hundred miles away, and yet - and yet somehow he could not go straight back to Thorin and Company empty-handed.

So he stood and hesitated in the shadows. Of the various burglarious proceedings he had heard of picking the trolls' pockets seemed the least difficult, so at last he crept behind a tree just behind William.

Bert and Tom went off to the barrel. William was having another drink. Then Bilbo plucked up courage and put his little hand in William's enormous pocket. There was a purse in it, as big as a bag to Bilbo. "Ha!" thought him warming to his new work as he lifted it carefully out, "this is a beginning!"

It was! Trolls' purses are the mischief, and this was no exception. 'Ere, 'oo are you?" it squeaked, as it left the pocket; and William turned round at once and grabbed Bilbo by the neck, before he could duck behind the tree.

"Blimey, Bert, look what I've copped!" said William.

"What is it?" said the others coming up.

"Lumme, if I know! What are yer?"

"Bilbo Baggins, a burr-- a hobbit," said poor Bilbo, shaking all over, and wondering how to make owl-noises before they throttled him."

"A burrahobbit?" said they a bit startled. Trolls are slow in the uptake, and mighty suspicious about anything new to them.

"What's a burrahobbit got to do with my pocket, anyways?" said William.

"And can yer cook 'em?" said Tom.

"Yer can try," said Bert, picking up a skewer.

"He wouldn't make above a mouthful," said William, who had already had a fine supper, "not when he was skinned and boned."

"P'raps there are more like him round about, and we might make a pie," said Bert. "Here you, are there any more of your sort a-sneakin' in these here woods, yer nasty little rabbit," said he looking at the hobbit's furry feet and he picked him up by the toes and shook him.

"Yes, lots," said Bilbo, before he remembered not to give his friends away. "No, none at all, not one," he said immediately afterwards.

"What d'yer mean?" said Bert, holding him right away up, by the hair this time.

"What I say," said Bilbo gasping. "and please don't cook me, kind sirs! I am a good cook myself, and cook better than I cook, if you see what I mean. I'll cook beautifully for you, a perfectly beautiful breakfast for you, if only you won't have me for supper."

"Poor little blighter," said William. He had already had as much supper as he could hold; also he had had lots of beer. "Poor little blighter! Let him go!"

"Not till he says what he means by lots and none at all," said Bert. "I don't want to have me throat cut in me sleep. Hold his toes in the fire till he talks!"

"I won't have it," said William. "I caught him anyway."

"You're a fat fool, William," said Bert, "as I've said afore this evening."

"And you're a lout!"

"And I won't take that from you, Bill Huggins," says Bert, and puts his fist in William's eye.

Then there was a gorgeous row. Bilbo had just enough wits left, when Bert dropped him on the ground, to scramble out of the way of their feet, before they were fighting like dogs, and calling one another all sorts of perfectly true and applicable names in very loud voices. Soon they were locked in one another's arms and rolling nearly into the fire kicking and thumping, while Tom whacked at them both with a branch to bring them to their senses -and that of course only made them madder than ever. That would have been the time for Bilbo to have left. But his poor little feet had been very squashed in Bert's big paw; and he had no breath in his body, and his head was going round; so there he lay for a while panting, just outside the circle of firelight.

Right in the middle of the fight up came Balin. The dwarves had heard noises from a distance, and after waiting or some time for Bilbo to come back, or to hoot like an owl, they started off one by one to creep towards the light as quietly as they could. No sooner did Tom see Balin come into the light than he gave an awful howl. Trolls simply detest the very sight of dwarves (uncooked). Bert and Bill stopped fighting immediately, and "a sack, Tom, quick!" they said, before Balin, who was wondering where in all this commotion Bilbo was, knew what was happening, a sack was over his head and he was down.

"There's more to come yet," said Tom, "or I'm mighty mistook. Lots and none at all, it is," said he. "No burrahobbits, but lots of these here dwarves. That's about the shape of it!"

"I reckon you're right," said Bert, "and we'd best get out of the light."

And so they did. With sacks in their hands, that they used for carrying off mutton and other plunder, they waited in the shadows. As each dwarf came up and looked at the fire, and the spilled jugs, and the gnawed mutton, in surprise, pop! Went a nasty smelly sack over hi shead, and he was down. Soon Dwalin lay by Balin, and Fili and Kili together, and Dori and Nori and Ori all in a heap, and Oin and Gloin and Bifur and Bofur and Bombur piled uncomfortably near the fire.

"That'll teach 'em," said Tom; for Bifur and Bombur had given a lot of trouble, and fought like mad, as dwarves will when cornered.

Thorin came last - and he was not caught unawares. He came expecting mischief, and didn't need to see his friends' legs sticking out of sacks to tell him that things were not all well. He stood outside in the shadows some way off, and said: "What's all this trouble? Who has been knocking my people about?"

"It's trolls!" said Bilbo from behind a tree. They had forgotten all about him. "They're hiding in the bushes with sacks," said he.

"O! are they?" said Thorin, and he jumped forward to the fire, before they could leap on him. He caught up a big branch all on fire at one end; and Bert got that end in his eye before he could step aside. That put him out of the battle for a bit. Bilbo did his best. He caught hold of Tom's legs - as well as he could, it was thick as a young tree-trunk - but he was sent spinning into the top of some bushes, when Tom kicked the sparks up in Thorin's face.

Tom got the branch in his teeth for that, and lost one of the front ones. It made him howl, I can tell you. But just at that moment William came up behind and popped a sack right over Thorin's head and down to his toes. And so the fight ended. A nice pickle they were all in now: all neatly tied up in sacks, with three angry trolls (and two with burns and bashes to remember) sitting by them, arguing whether they should roast them slowly, or mince them fine and boil them, or just sit on them one by one and squash them into jelly: and Bilbo up in a bush, with his clothes and his skin torn, not daring to move for fear they should hear him.

It was just then that Gandalf came back. But no one saw him. The trolls had just decided to roast the dwarves now and eat them later – that was Bert's idea, and after a lot of argument they had all agreed to it.

"No good roasting 'em now, it'd take all night," said a voice. Bert thought it was William's.

"Don't start the argument all over again, Bill," he said, "or it will take all night."

"Who's a-arguing?" said William, who thought it was Bert that had spoken.

"You are," said Bert.

"You're a liar," said William; and so the argument beg all over again. In the end they decided to mince them fine and boil them. So they got a black pot, and they took out their knives.

"No good boiling 'em! We ain't got no water, and it's a long way to the well and all," said a voice. Bert and Wiliam thought it was Tom's.

"Shut up!" said they, "or we'll never have done. And yer can fetch the water yerself, if yer say any more."

"Shut up yerself!" said Tom, who thought it was William's voice. "Who's arguing but you. I'd like to know."

"You're a booby," said William.

"Booby yerself!" said Tom.

And so the argument begun all over again, and went on hotter than ever, until at last they decided to sit on the sacks one by one and squash them, and boil them next time.

"Who shall we sit on first?" said the voice.

"Better sit on the last fellow first," said Bert, whose eye had been damaged by Thorin. He thought Tom was talking.

"Don't talk to yerself!" said Tom. "But if you wants to sit on the last one, sit on him. Which is he?"

"The one with the yellow stockings," said Bert.

"Nonsense, the one with the grey stockings," said a voice like William's.

"I made sure it was yellow," said Bert.

"Yellow it was," said William.

"Then why did yer say it was grey for?" said Bert.

"I never did. Tom said it."

"That I never did!" said Tom. "It was you."

"Two to one, so shut yer mouth!" said Bert.

"Who are you a-talkin' to?" said William.

"Now stop it!" said Tom and Bert together. "That night's getting' on, and dawn comes early. Let's get on with it!"

"Dawn takes you all, and be stone to you!" said a voice that sounded like William's. But it wasn't. For just at that moment the light came over the hill, and there was a mighty twitter in the branches. William never spoke for he stood turned to stone as he stooped; and Bert and Tom were stuck like rocks as they looked at him. And there they stand to this day, all alone, unless the birds perch on them; for trolls, as you probably know, must be underground before dawn, or they go back to the stuff of the mountains they are made of, and never move again. That is what had happened to Bert and Tom and William.

**********

Peter Jackson gives us his own version

... but it's much more heroic. There's a bit of fun back and forth at the beginning, but there's no personified pocket giving Bilbo away, no bumbling fun of the dwarves turning up one by one and caught offguard. None of Gandalf's chuckle-worthy puppeteering. It actually works much better for th kind of story I think PJ's trying to tell, and I'm not criticizing him for it. Because the humor is so verbal, it's so tied in word-play, and I'm really struggling to imagine it translating well into a full visual storyteling. It's made to be read, or perhaps have it read to you, funny voices and all.

That said, if you've not read the books, I do believe you're missing out an Experience here. I'd forgotten how much I love this bit until I reread it myself.

*************

On a more serious note, I do love how seriously Tolkien takes the risk of provisions running short, accidents complicating things and all that. He survived the trench warfare of WWI, and one of the things that most fascinates me about that period was you were as likely to die from just the waste and utter stupidity of war as from a bullet or mustard-gas. It's fitting that the company's first real challenge isn't an orc army or spying crows out of Dunland carrying news back to Saruman; it was simply "mighty little left for supper, and less for breakfast."

I'm also struck by how the dwarves turn up one by one and in small groups in the book. There's a parallel there between their arrival at Bag End, and later at Beorn's house. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but it happens often enough it seems intentional.

And just because I can, have Jirt himself singing Sam's "Troll Song" from Lord of the Rings. Good morning!

[tothecrucifieddeer]

friend, i think you've got the meaning of testing god confused. it's our responsibility as catholics to properly discern whether visions and voices are from God or from unclean spirits pretending to be holy. it strikes me as wrong that the spirits speaking to you do not say the name of Jesus or his mother. i urge you to receive your sacraments immediately and speak to a priest. keep holy water on you. i'm praying for you -- may Jesus walk with you, always<3

Perhaps you are right—maybe it would not be a test against God. I read this ask and my head began to echo with cries of Christ is King. They weren’t exactly pleasant—but overwhelming present. I mean it almost felt like my head was splitting open and my brain oozing out my ears—whatever that means—I can’t take chances by not documenting, worshipping, and presenting as best I can my attempts to understand DOE, MANFLESH ANGELS, God, Messiah, and all the rest. Maybe I’m a false prophet—maybe I’m evil; I don’t know. Whatever it means—DOE will be here tonight and she will ask me to speak on her behalf once more. All I’m doing is what I believe is the right thing to do. You’re right, of course, that it is a good Catholic’s responsibility not to be led astray; I am very scared and I don’t want to doom myself or others or hurt Messiah spiritually or any other way. I do believe Messiah is Holy and set apart—I can’t shake that feeling.

Thank you for your prayers and I hope Jesus is beside me in all of this too—I am so scared. I don’t want to go to Hell. I really don’t. I’m just trying to do the right thing. I will be going to Mass Sunday—Perhaps I will go to confession at the next allot date in the Parish Calendar. Please pray for me as hard as you might and Messiah too. I said my rosary. DOE will be arriving in the yard soon.

I will ask my priest for some holy water as well. Thank you.

Blessings.

[mytortoisegotstuckinatupperware]

"It's not manflesh. I guess this checks out - the orcs, probably

Bugs Bunny could have simply walked into Mordor. He would have shown up at the gates of Mordor in a disguise and been like "Evil volcano inspection unit" and flashed a fake ID badge to the confused orc.

[onestevetogo]

Lord of the Abridged : Revenge of the King

Flashback Sméagol- I just love Deagol!

Flashback Deagol- I just love Sméagol!

Ring- Hey

Flashback Sméagol- Gollum.exe

Later

Merry- We boss.

Pippin- We totally boss.

Gandalf- This place is wet af.

Gimli- I ran all this way for soggy hobbit.

Pippin- Come at me bro, I’ve had like four breakfasts today.

Saruman- My house has water damage.

Grima- He says your momma was a balrog.

Saruman- Stfu.

Grima- Sorry.

Gandalf- Tell me how to turn Sauron Sauroff.

Saruman- Saurin your dreams.

Grima- PAIN!

Saruman- Egad!

Gandalf- Lmao.

Theoden- We’re alive!

Aragorn- We’re alive!

Soldiers- We’re alive!

Eowyn- ManFlesh!

Aragorn- She wants my manflesh.

Aragorn- *hides*

Gandalf- This is my seeing stone. Not for Pippins. Don’t touch.

Pippin- Okay.

Gandalf- Time for a nap.

Pippin- Shiny!

Sauron- WHO DIS?

Pippin- Oh no! Consequences!

Sauron- OH NO! A TWINK!

Gandalf- Steward Denethor, we gotta fight.

Denethor- King Denethor.

Gandalf- I didn’t vote for you.

Denethor- Make Gondor Great Again.

Pippin- Congrats! You get a free hobbit!

Gandalf- Pippin wtf.

Denethor- Can never have too many hobbits.

Gollum- Look! Stairs!

Frodo- Omg.

Sam- Omg.

Witch king- Let’s go everybody!

Orc leaders- If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Orcs- *not clapping*

Gandalf- I need you to set some private property on fire.

Pippin- Say no more.

Aragorn- Fire!

Theoden- Fire!

Soldiers- Fire!

Orcs- Row row row your boat gently down the stream!

Faramir- They’re rowing their boats down the stream. What are they planning?

Orcs- Merrily merrily merrily merrily, make the soldiers scream!

Faramir - Oh no.

Pippin- *Watching Denethor eat tomatoes*

Pippin- I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Gollum- Sam ate all the bread.

Sam- wtf?

Frodo- That makes perfect sense.

Sam- wtf???

Frodo- Go home Sam.

Sam- WTF??????????

Elrond- My daughter wants your manflesh.

Aragorn- :)

Elrond- But she’s also dying.

Aragorn- :(

Elrond- Here’s a cool sword.

Aragorn- :)

Eowyn- I want your ManFlesh.

Aragorn- The world is literally about to end.

Eowyn- …

Eowyn- So is that a maybe or…?

Denethor- Why can’t you be more like your brother.

Faramir- My brother is dead.

Denethor- Exactly.

Faramir- :,(

Pippin- omg I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Aragorn- Yo Ghosts.

Ghosts- We’re going to kill you.

Aragorn- Look at this cool sword.

Ghosts- We will follow the keeper of the cool sword.

Orcs- This little piggy went BOOM.

Soldiers- *Fighting*

Orcs- *Fighting*

Denethor- This defeat was totally unavoidable and not at all my fault.

Gandalf- Time for a staff adjustment.

Gandalf’s staff- *Adjusts Denethor’s face*

Nazgûl- *Finger in car door screeching*

Gandalf- PAIN!

Witch King- PAIN!

Gandalf- What the canon?

Orcs- Eat all the ManFlesh!

Theoden- We ride at Theodawn!

Orcs- Theodang!

Gandalf- *Having a blood rage*

Pippin- Denethor is turning his son into nice crispy bacon!

Gandalf- Egad!

Denethor- #blazeit

Gandalf- Jousting!

Denethor- I’m gonna fall off this cliff and really ruin someone’s day!

Theoden- We’re Theodone!

Witch King - You’re Theodoomed.

Theoden- *chewtoy noises*

Eowyn- It’s time you Fell, Beast!

Witch King- PAIN!

Eowyn- I’m in pain!

Witch King- Haha, I’m immune to manflesh.

Eowyn- I am no ManFlesh!

Witch King- Oh shit.

Witch King- *Dies*

Theoden- Oh shit.

Theoden- *Dies*

Aragorn- I’m here now.

Orcs- Hey cool sword!

Ghosts- We thought so too.

Orcs- Oh no!

Orcs- *Die*

Eowyn- Hey I’m not dead!

Faramir- Hey I’m also not dead!

Eowyn- *gasps* ManFlesh!

Faramir- *gasps* Acceptance!

Gollum- Hey check out this cave.

Frodo- I don’t like this cave.

Shelob- What? A friend? Hello new friend!

Frodo- Oh no! A disgusting spider!

Shelob- Wow, rude.

Gollum- She’s going to eat you!

Shelob- Not my friend!

Frodo- Must run away!

Shelob- Poor friend! I’ll make a nice cozy sleeping bag for you!

Sam- Oh no! A disgusting spider! I’ll take him from you!

Shelob- No, he’s tired! Don’t take my friend!

Sam- *Stabbing noises*

Shelob- But my friend :(

Sam- *Opens sleeping bag*

Sam- This boy dead as hell.

Sam- *Loots the body*

Orc- This boy dead as hell.

Other Orc- Nah he’s just tired. Let’s get him into a bed.

Sam- Must follow them!

…

Shelob- My friend :,(

Orc- Shiny!

Other orc- My shiny!

More orcs- Our shiny!

Sam- I’m about to commit so much aggravated assault.

Frodo- Hey I’m not dead!

Sam- Oh. Then the ring is yours. I guess.

Aragorn- Knock knock.

Mouth of Sauron- Who’s there?

Aragorn- Chop.

Mouth of Sauron- Chop wh-

Aragorn- *Chops*

Orcs- Oh my god! He killed Dave!

Orcs- You busturd!

Aragorn- Oh no.

Soldiers- Oh no.

Legolas- That’s a lot more than seventeen.

Gimli- I am no longer racist.

Sam- We’re almost to the cave!

Gollum- It’s hobbit season!

Sam- Suplex City!

Gollum- Foul!

Frodo- Home stretch!

Sam- Toss the bish, make a wish!

Frodo- No.

Sam- That’s a terrible idea!

Gollum- That’s a great idea!

Frodo- *Finger food noises*

Gollum- *Trips*

Gollum- I’m melting! What a world! Oh, what a world!

Frodo- Oh shit!

Sam- Oh shit!

Pippin- Nice crispy bacon.

Sauron-…

Sauron-…

Sauron-AAAAAGHBLAGHBUGMAGUGA!!!

NAZGÛL YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!

Frodo- I want some bread.

Sam- I really wanted to pick Rosie’s cotton.

Frodo- Oeugh Sam!

Eagles- *Coming*

Aragorn- Theoden and Denethor are dead. I rule unchallenged. All hail the king. ✨✨

Elrond- You are now barely good enough to date my daughter.

Arwen- MaleMeat.

Aragorn- *Happy king noises*

Later

Frodo- Retirement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Sam- I’ve picked so much Rosie Cotton.

Frodo- I’m out.

Bilbo- I’m out.

Gandalf- I’m out.

Galadriel- Wait for me Beard Daddy.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Except Shelob.

[stainlesssteellocust]

a few hundred words of food rambles

I'll put this in the tag because it's blatantly Bob talking but I'll also put it under a keep-reading bc its excerpted from my ludicrously self indulgent draft fic

…The Full Antarctican is hailed as a shining example of what our shared cultures can achieve when we’re not dead-set on murdering one another. It’s no surprise, really: Tsalal cuisine has an age-old love affair with cured meats and sausage, probably due to how important food preservation is in their environment. It makes for a dramatic contrast with the other hominin species we know, the ‘elves’, who have been using temporal stasis grids to preserve their food stocks since prehistory*.

(then of course there’s BLUE HADES, but they’re a whole other kettle of…well.)

But the Tsalal did things like we did, the old fashioned way, with salting and smoking and drying, so we had many tastes in common. And the pig was a gamechanger. An animal that’s hardy, eats anything, and has a taste remarkably similar to that of human flesh? They went for that like unsavvy CEOs in the dot-com bubble, and nowadays they say that genuine manflesh is harder to come by down South than real wasabi.

I still go for the pancakes, though.

Somehow Violetta’s order comes out first, and she doesn’t care to wait for me. The Full Antarctican resembles a Full English in most respects, but there are differences: No toast or tomatoes, obviously, and the beans are cooked in a different, bruise-coloured sauce. But there’s more meat – she has an extra sausage, and her plate is piled high with rashers of bacon. The hash browns and eggs are ubiquitous and much like what you or I would be used to, though I’m told that as we get closer to Antarctica itself the ingredients will start to change; other tubers, penguin eggs. The menu even offers black pudding, though Violetta’s subbed it out for qworl.

I can’t help but stare as she picks up her piece – not like you could get a fork in it, is there – and bites into it like a crisp apple. The stuff is basically pemmican and I once knew a kid who broke his teeth on some for a dare, but her black teeth and elongated jaws crunch through it without a care in the world.

…

*As a result, a lot of elven food is somewhat bland at the point of serving; it mostly serves as a vehicle for extremely elaborate sauces, which provide a lot of the taste. The food we know about, anyway, which comes from army cooks and the private chefs of a few Host nobles – maybe the Morningstar Empire’s mercantile classes or slave populations had rich, fascinating food cultures of their own, but since their feudal overlords left them behind to die on their blasted homeworld, we’re never going to know about them.

[tothecrucifieddeer]

hi! if you are doing a Creative Work with this blog, then by all means, continue. I would like to caution that you may be experiencing a psychotic break and you should talk to someone you deeply trust about your experiences irl as soon as possible. No loving God would torture you or ask you to do evil deeds. 💕 you can get through this, but please reach out for help in physical space

I don't think it is a psychotic break--it is more complex than that. Have you heard of double bookkeeping? I'm somewhat aware of reality--of what other people view as reality. I know what I sound like to you who are not receiving the same instructions and visions and beliefs. To say God would never test us with horrid thoughts, visions, compulsions, and instructions is just not true. After all, he did ask Abraham to kill Issac--not that Abraham was allowed to go through with it--but he was tested wasn't he?

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I know that it seems radical and disasterous and dangerous--but God has been sending me tests about Messiah all the time through many different messengers. Doe started appearing maybe, maybe last year. But before that MANFLESH ANGELS, and before that was Messiah themselves. I've had messengers for many years. The point is--Doe wants worship. She public worship. Public pleading. Public penance. There are so many worse ways she has asked for this from me--and I am just trying to do my best to compromise and keep all forces of Good, Evil, and Neutrality balanced. I'm the lowliest of creation--I'm not even made by God, which, maybe, exactly why He gives me more horrific thoughts than most, because He does not love me naturally--I have to prove myself.

The point is, I am constantly walking this line of interperting His messengers, His desires, His tests and I am trying my very best through this blog to cope and to be a good person. To earn my right to be a saint, a holy thing. All I want, ALL I want, is to do the right thing. And God torments me--maybe out of kindness--maybe out of boredom--it is not mine to question why. I try not to.

I just try to do the most safe version of what His messengers ask me. You know? If Doe wants me to sacrifice something and hurt something and humiliate something--then I will do it to myself in the most minor way I can. I will bare my soul on the internet and take the beating so to speak...

[tothecrucifieddeer]

**To The NOT DEER or DOE WOMAN in my lawn right now (07/22/24--10:55 PM)**

I just want to browse Tumblr in peace. I'm trying to do what you say. I'm trying. I'm trying. I know I messed up today. I know I did. Please. Stop. Stop. I can feel the fire burning under my skin. Please. Please. I'm trying to do what you are asking. I'm trying, really. Look at me--talking it out instead of screaming. Instead of crying. You asked for public acknowledgement and I'm giving it to you. I'm showing them how I've disagreed--it's on record. A public penance. Now please. Please stop stalking the house. Stop scratching. Screaming. Take the MANFLESH angels away and put them in the other dimension. I don't want to look at them and I don't want them staring at me. Please. Please. Please.

Golden Touch † Hand of Midas

— by Clayshaper

[chaosprinceundivided]

He appeared in the gales of aetheric winds. A mockery of his former devotions. Backed by leathered wings and crowned by black horns twisted in their malicious nature, eyes burning through the spiralling snow.

The Byar tried to hold back the storm, his witch screaming as her power was turned against her by one dismissive flick of the traitor's wrist. Her fingers to arms solidifying into ice before the rest of her, hellish fire burning into her veins.

"Traitor! Fiend!" He screamed out at the approaching daemon in manflesh. His kossar charged in the name of Ursun and their god's inflicter ended them by dismissive cleaves of his daemonic blade. Armour sundered like parchment, flesh and bones taken like a meal and blood flowed as copper wine.

And He said not a word, striding forward with his aura of evil melting the snow and twisting the earth underfoot.

The blade drank on its fill and glown with its darkness oozing as umbral smoke. "A Traitor to Lies. A Fiend to the Misguided." He said. The byar dared not to let those words curl into his mind. With a click of hammer, he lifted his pistol and fired. The report rang and the daemon's head barely recoiled as the bullet slammed at his skull. A spark and blackened mark dead-center.

"Do you know...that is how I ended your god?"

The Kislevite warrior gawked a moment, looking at his pistol and saw it seething of ruinous markings and weeping the distant sound of a mournful bear. Unconsciously, he recoiled in horror and looked back to see a monster looming over him.

That draconic face twisted with a sadistic grin. In his hand was a practical cannon, shaped in the same pistol that became a whisper upon survivors' lips and hateful hisses of forsaken ghosts.

Ursun's Bane.

"One bullet."

And the report exploded through the mountainside.

[crystal-grotto]

@broken-crcwn​​

Thread moved to new blog, continued from here: [x]

He notes the face as Bular digests to his commentary. 

Mounting displeasure, that gives way to a vocal rebuttal. It forces Kanjigar to bite his tongue as the shattered prince motions with claw and lashes with word. His eyes, both amber and silver, never waver however as the old hunter listens - and it is his turn to process what the Gumm-Gumm had to say. 

Yes, his son was just as violent when he wanted to be. He had the potential to have joined a warband if they had still been in existence. That thought was not new. It had disturbed Kanjigar on more than a few occasions before the residents of Dwoza moved across seas. Yes, before the Pact, most did dabble in the taste of manflesh at least once. Only one or two new generations had passed since it’s formation; some still even remembered the time before its conception. Now, though… mercifully they were all soft. Did not possess the means or gumption to hunt - lest a human walked willingly into their hands. 

Briefly does mind wander to the nights he heard the new generation’s calls to try and collect a new prey, before he had put his foot down and intervened. 

Attention shifting when prosthetic spears talon his way, only then does Kanjigar’s eyes shut and another sigh pulls its way from his body. It’s sound is a tired thing. The demon on his back that poked its teeth into his mind more oft than others. 

‘Surviving.’ He admits simply. ‘And no, they weren’t. Nobody is completely devoid of wrongs; I know I, myself,  am not.’ After a second’s pause there is a shift in posture as the Petruoch takes a slight step, gaze refocusing. 

‘...But, his shadow continues to make you differ to his will. Being a Warlord’s heir means you were taught to reject offers to aid in lieu of conquest, given the habit of turning away things that could benefit you or your people.’ Granted it was at the cost of not taking their wrath out on the surfacelands, and subsequently murdering any manling that got underfoot. That was always the caveat.

‘There is still potential for a new leaf to be turned.’

[tothecrucifieddeer]

**To the NOT-DEER or DOE WOMAN in my yard (07/23/24 MIDNIGHT)**

I'm not going to do it--stop asking, okay? I want to tell you; I am keeping my limits. I'm glad you are quieter now. I appreciate you doing that for me--the occasional whispering is better than constant screaming and wild animal calls. But I still have my boundaries. I do. I won't do all that, okay? Somethings aren't possible for me; because I'll tell you--I am mortal. I am just a human being. I can't do what you want from me. Okay? I can't. It's not right. There is so much we could be wrong about and it is wrong to ask me. Okay? I love you and I respect you and I get angry and say things and do things that you don't appreciate sometimes but I don't want to hurt anybody, including you--but I've got to have my boundaries. Messiah and loved ones aren't getting this treatment--I'm not doing what you are asking.

Don't start screaming again. Stop. Stop it. I don't want to upset you. Remove your Manflesh Guards. Get out of here. Leave me alone. I'm just trying to be a good person. I'm just trying to make everyone happy. You've scared me enough. I can't even go to my bathroom until the sun comes up or my parents wake up. Please don't ruin my good life. Please. You are torturing me for simple wanting to do what the people who care and love me have asked me to do.

I don't want to get put somewhere or something. I don't want to do something you'll blame me for and then my whole life be ruined.

So, I'll stay awake cause I know you want me too--and I'll keep suffering as to not break the boundaries you've set up--so respect me please. Please. It's already so hard. Don't fuck with me, okay?

on love and flesh

jen mazza, peripety // rune lazuli // na // bones and all // helene cixous, the love of the wolf // tanaka mhishi, literary sexts II // the amazing devil, that unwanted animal // jen mazza, peripety

[liiionhearted]

the fact that im not getting constantly laid is a fucking hatecrime

[dear-mrs-otome]

Dear Mrs. Ricc — Otome, I mean ~ Your description of sexy team story Silvio’s bit made me unable to breathe 😳 How can this asshole (lovingly) get anymore attractive????? If you could, would you please share more detailed summary? *Collecting all Silvio crumbs as a non-jp speaker 😭*

Sure, Nonny! Here's the whole story, irreverently rendered and nominally accurate.

------

After the ruckus about Day of the Beloved, Emma’s outside in the gardens where it suddenly begins POURING rain - sunny blue sky obliterated in an instant. She’s chatting with Luke, whom she ran into along the way, and he’s commiserating about the crappy weather before he suggests they try and find shelter somewhere nearby rather than try and make it all the way back to the castle in this deluge. 

He takes his coat off and puts it over Emma to at least shield her a little from the rain, and he steers them towards the gazebo nearest to eke out some meager shelter - cheerfully brushing off her protests that he’ll get wet without his coat. She thanks him for the gesture, and thinks how considerate of him it is.

When they hustle to the gazebo though, they find some people already inside - Nokto and Silvio, who also ducked in to take shelter from the rain. Nokto’s got his jacket off, wringing water from it, and Silvio’s bitching about Nokto getting them caught out here even as Nokto’s sniping back that it was Silvio who was moaning about hating being inside the castle.

They’re both soaked to the bone as Emma points out (putting on her best ‘noble lady’ impression to keep up her story in front of Silvio) and Nokto’s just grinning that she and Luke are just as bad off as they are, especially Luke. Silvio seem impressed that Luke’s not just a tall guy, he works out a lot too.

Emma’s gotta admit to herself as she looks that Luke’s plastered wet clothing leaves little to the imagination, and it’s clearly true.

Luke turns it back around on Silvio with a grin though, and says him too - he might appear svelte but he’s got a lot of muscle. Silvio scoffs like, obvs…what’s a guy who sails on the regular gonna do with a scrawny body?? Emma can definitely see from his wet shirt that he’s got some niiiice proportions too.

Silvio then smirks that Nokto’s not exactly rippling with muscle, but Nokto’s nonplussed - he agrees he’s no beefcake but he DOES train still. Emma’s professional ‘wet shirt assessment’? Thin, but taut.

Then she mentally slaps herself like NO BAD BRAIN what are we thinking about right now?! It’s a bit overwhelming, manflesh on display plus the scent of the rain and cedar and everything else - they’re all three pretty damn sexy and she’s having a hard time looking (or not looking) at them, frankly.

They’re interrupted by someone’s voice, all pitched falsetto like a bad impression of her own. “Nokto and Luke and Silvio are all dressed so shamelessly, it’s hard to take my eyes off of them!” With a bad feeling, she turns to see Jin and Clavis coming into the gazebo too, all grins.

She’s sputtering that that’s NOT what she was thinking, but Clavis just laughs and tells her not to be shy, she’s got the creme de la creme of sexy princes all gathered in one spot here. Jin’s doing fake-Emma voice as he says, “Jin and Clavis are also soooo sexy!”

She’s begging Jin to please cut it out with the fake high voice, but he says he’s just speaking for her heart - and now CLAVIS goes on again all ‘Staaahhhp it’s so embarrassing to say that aloud - but also Jin aren’t you gonna take your clothes off??’ (please i can’t with these two I was laughing so hard here)

Jin of course just says, it can’t be helped if she wants he’ll just have to show off his male pride here too, and Emma’s thinking KDLFJSKDL WHAT IS WITH THESE PEOPLE as Jin seizes the slightest encouragement from Clavis’ fake-Emma urging to whip off his wet vest - gotta undo a button or two too, for good measure, to Emma’s dismay.

She’s having a REAL hard time finding somewhere safe to look right now - even looking at Clavis isn’t innocent, given the beguiling vision he makes with his wet clothes and his hair dripping with rain. Jin’s got that hard body, well-trained like Luke, but Clavis’ clothes are so well-tailored they make the most of every line of his body, even when NOT wet. Slender but taut, much like Nokto. (Clearly no flabby slackers in the bunch here lollll)

She’s gotta mentally slap herself a second time now too, that her mind’s been wandering in Gutterville, but Clavis immediately picks up on her bright red face and teases her about being overwhelmed by his abundant hawtness - which she quickly tells him he’s just imagining.

Jin wonders if it’s HIS forbidden charms then that have her all aflutter, and Nokto’s giving her a hard time about being a dirty girl seeing them all wet and getting hot and bothered by it. Poor Emma’s just flailing that that’s NOT IT!

It’s Luke that steps in and tells them to lay off pestering her, and she’s thinking gratefully how Luke’s the only one here on her side as she scoots closer to him - away from the dangerous other princes. Secure in the knowledge that he’d protect her no matter what. 

Silvio scoffs that they’re all really stupid - and she’s surprised to think that Silvio of all people might be an ally.

Only for him to ruin that idea a half second later when he declares confidently that not a one of them can hold a candle to HIS sexiness.

Yeah, no, she thinks. He's totally on the same side as Jin and Clavis.

He proudly proclaims that he's the reason her face is all red, and Clavis is like ohhh? A challenger appears eh? You seem pretty sure you can beat me, Silvio.

Silvio says definitely, no way he's gonna lose to Clavis' lack of appeal. Jin counters that everybody knows the princes of Rhodolite are famous for being hotties, nobody can argue that.

Nokto' just sorta rolling his eyes over all this posturing - he's clearly the sexiest. Clavis says if he's gonna claim that, does that mean he's gonna take part in this little competition?

Nokto declines, and he's trying to make a break for it but Clavis stops him with a hand on his shoulder - and Jin does the same to Luke, saying of COURSE Luke is going to do his country proud right??

Luke relents a little, if Jin says so, and Emma's thinking noooooo they got to Luke too 😭 Clavis declares that they'll award the title of Sexy Prince to whichever of them can make Emma blush the most…much to her chagrin.

She's steeling herself to not let even a hint of anything show on her face, as Clavis lays out the rules - no getting handsy, that's not gentlemanly at all, but anything else is fair game to try and charm Emma.

No THANK YOU, she tries to say, but she's totally overridden by Silvio stepping up to go first since he's got nothing better to entertain himself with. Emma, for her part, can't believe they're going through with this idiotic game.

Silvio suddenly starts in with a, hey woman. Look at me.

She was trying to avoid doing so but he reaches out and takes her chin, turning her gaze to meet his. Maybe because of the rain making his hair wet, his already handsome face looks even more alluring despite the haughty cast of it. She can practically hear him saying 'I'm the sexiest' all confidently.

But she's too annoyed at the thought of just admitting that aloud all honestly, so she turns her gaze away defiantly…a mistake though because now she's stuck peeping down at his body in the wet shirt. He really does have amazing muscles, now that she's up close enough to see well, and she's trying to wrap her head around how even a prince needs a body like that to go out to sea.

Looking to get back at him a little for his bullying, she reaches out and pokes one of those drenched pecs - only for Silvio to yeet himself away from her, red as a tomato as he's spluttering for her to knock that off.

Nokto's laughing his ass off that it's Silvio who turned red, not Emma. Clavis thinks this is hilarious too, pointing out that Emma has the upper hand here.

She kind of sheepishly apologizes to Silvio, surprised by how surprised HE seemed. But Silvio, still blushing, is cursing and says he's gonna call her a shameless hussy from now on.

You touched me first! she counters indignantly, but he doesn't wanna hear it - insists that it's okay for him to do so but not her.

She's fuming over what a tyrant he is when Jin cuts off their bickering before it can devolve into another of their never-ending quarrel, proclaiming it his turn to show off the eldest's charms. 

She takes a step back as she gets a wall o' tiddies in her face, and on a grin Jin says she's free to touch his irresistible body allll she wants. He'll even take his shirt off -

Emma cuts him off hastily, assuring him it's fine just the way it is! 

His heaving bosom of generous mantiddies is eyecatching, exuding a different sort of sexy from Silvio's. His poor soaked shirt fighting a losing battle to keep them contained. It's almost a bit too much though, and aloud she points out to Jin that he's gonna pop some buttons with just the slightest flex.

Luke and Clavis kinda snorting at that, and Nokto point out to wouldn't be the first time he's done something like that. Unrepentant Jin says ya, he just has some buxom maid fix it for him then - shirts don't stand a chance against his overwhelming level of sexy.

Silvio points that's just sheer beef, don't mistake it for attractiveness - and look at Emma's face, she doesn't exactly seem like she's into it.

Clavis laughs that they've got a tough audience here, but he's ready to avenge his elder brother's death. He moves Jin aside and steps up - closer than anyone else so far, despite his demeanor being the most gentlemanly. He rakes his wet hair back, giving her the smolder, and she can't deny she's affected at least a teensy bit. Clavis always has the bedroom eyes, so up close like this they're even more overpowered.

Maybe because she knows it’s all hollow though it’s got no real pull on her, and as Clavis prompts her for her opinion on his superior appeal, asking whether she’s intoxicated by him…she gives him a pretty noncommittal answer. And it’s crickets as the silence stretches on (Emma clearly feeling nada) until Clavis is just….Well? Nothing?

She asks what else there is to say or do (you can practically hear the deflating ego from here LMAO poor Clavis, we just witnessed a murder) and frankly, he’s too close so please step back.

Nokto bursts out laughing as he pushes the dumbfounded Clavis out of the way, and he grins that Emma’s a tougher nut to crack than he’d thought. Luke theorizes that she’s just too used to Clavis’ MO, as Jin tries to cheer him up and tells Clavis that HE’S proud of Clavis’ sexiness.

Silvio points out that Jin’s not actually comforting him at all…and Emma does feel a little bad for Clavis, who seems to still be frozen in disbelief.

If both brothers 1 and 2 have crashed and burned, Nokto says, then it’s up to him and Luke to defend Rhodolite’s honor. Luke says he doesn’t think he’s got any sex appeal, he’s been sitting this out from the very start…but Nokto proclaims he doesn’t have any doubts about HIS because it all comes down to pleasing a lady properly AKA in bed.

He’s throwing Emma a come hither glance, making a sexy show out of wiping away the raindrop sliding down his cheek. She’s gotta admit to herself that just like the others, Nokto has his own brand of je ne sais quoi. Everything his says and does manages to come across as an innuendo or vaguely lewd. Silvio’s got that sexiness of a man of the sea, Jin has that raw unbridled masculinity, Clavis has the enigmatic appeal of a mystery that’s hard to define….but Nokto has the manwhore ladykiller down pat. 

Nokto’s confident smirk falters a bit as she just stares back at him though, and he pouts that she’s starting to make looking at him with disdain a habit of hers. She agrees that she looks at him pretty icily, but Nokto (trying to make lemons outta lemonade, gotta give him props for optimism) he tries to turn this into a positive - that means she feels something right?? She wouldn’t bother leveling a cold look at someone she really cared NOTHING about, right? She’s desperately trying not to give in to her feelings and fall for him, clearly.

Clavis, Luke, and Jin all in perfect unison call this out as the bullshit excuse making that it is - and Emma thinks that she’s gotta agree. Nokto’s frowning over how hard everyone’s being on him.

Silvio’s laughing like, sucks to be you man - and then he calls out to Luke as the big slab of beef. Is he really not gonna do anything either? Luke seems surprised, and Clavis chips in to say that if they’ve all been wounded Luke should step up and take the blow to his ego too.

Luke says there’s no honor in THAT, this is crazy…but Emma speaks up then and leaves everyone dumbstruck when she says that she thinks Luke’s already very sexy just as he is. Luke’s like, really? And she says ya - giving him the once over, her eyes snagged on the water droplets running down his pecs. When put with his laid-back attitude, there’s a certain something she finds very attractive just looking at him. It’s sexy because it is so effortless.

Clavis, frowning, says wait - isn’t Emma being suspiciously nice to Luke? Jin says he’s clearly getting different treatment compared to the rest of them, and Nokto agrees she’s treating them like pests by contrast. 

She protests that she didn’t mean to do that…and Silvio states that it’s pointless to care anyways, even if she did it’s not like Luke really charmed her to the point of winning anyways. Luke asks if that means this silly battle is over - clearly there’s no ‘Sexy Prince’ to be crowned here.

Right about then, Emma lets out a sneeze, freezing now that Luke’s jacket has gotten sodden and water has soaked through it, getting her clothes wet and chilling her now. She takes the jacket off only to find that her dress is now as wet, if not WETTER, than the princes now. Apologetic, turns to Luke,  saying how sorry she is that his jacket is all wet now…but he’s only gaping at her in shock, for some reason. 

Bemused, she offers to wash it and give it back…her words trailing off awkwardly as she realizes ALL of the princes are gawking at her, wide-eyed. Until she finally asks them, what??? They’re all staring, and it’s Nokto who breaks the stunned silence to comment on how she’s wearing a different outfit than usual. She agrees, she’d changed into something a little lighter so she didn’t get hot going on her walk around the castle, just before it had started raining. She’s wearing a simpler dress than usual, a little white lace number.

And then slowly it sinks in to her.

White dress. Rain.

With a sinking feeling, she looks down at herself and sees that her dress is both plastered to her every curve AND because it’s white, is practically see through now - showing off her skin and underwear beneath. 

With a shriek of horror, she dives behind Luke, the biggest of them all, trying to use his body as cover to hide behind. Luke doesn’t hesitate to hold his arms out and try to block as much of her from the view of the other princes as possible, assuring her it’s okay they only saw a little bit. 

Clavis, soberly, apologizes. He says it was their folly to think they could claim the title of Sexy Prince, and Jin has to agree with chagrin - there’s no way this level of sexiness can be beat. Silvio, back to beet red, is telling her to just put a jacket on for the time being, shameless hussy that she is.

Congratulations, Nokto tells her, she’s won the championship. He wonders aloud what the winner gets then, and Clavis suggests they give Emma the title of ‘Sexy Princess’.

She sputters a THANKS BUT NO THANKS…and then, at the height of her misery, the rain suddenly stops and the sun peeks out again. As if the clouds had never existed at all. Jin jokes that her sexiness drove the very clouds away, and Clavis has to agree that she’s on another level entirely. Silvio grumbles over the time spent on all this nonsense, and Nokto suggests they all head back to the castle finally. 

It was beyond embarrassing, being gifted a title like ‘Sexy Princess’...buuuut she can’t in the end say that it was a bad thing, taking such lively shelter from the rain.