#out here saying that like it isnt so much better here than in high school

[broke-on-books]

Where are my friends that are highly, highly passionate about the same things I'm passionate about

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[sillyyuserr]

A longer, more in depth (9 parts all in one) terukane analysis, and/or everything i could find, compiled (one of my better pieces of work imo) ⭐️

Ok so it might be the fact that i ship them so i see alot of things they do as possibly romantic even when theres no romantic implications, but the amount of times it feels like AidaIro seems to be implying that teru likes akane is getting to a suspiciously high number. Like lets look at this from a non-shipper’s pov (or at least try😭)

Item A: teru looking at akane

Without the context that he’s looking at akane, he genuinely looks like he’s showing something of raw emotion, unchanged by his “fake persona” but a genuine reaction. Looking at this picture at face value one would assume he’s big time crushing. I mean i wouldn’t say “omg hes so in lovveee!!!” But considering he doesn’t really open up to like anyone, i think this is definitely something??

Item B: them going together on a romantic outing

Yes i did make it sound much more compelling then it actually is but cmon man. The school festival is considered a “romantic event” and these two spent the entire time hanging around the school together. Giving the excuse that "it's our job being in the student council" (which i guess it is) but in reality it was because no one wanted to come with them.

Which i mean they also did technically go on an actual date together

also nene looking like a hamster 😭😭

Item C: teru trusting akane more than anyone (?)

Teru likes talking to akane, trusts his intellect, and considers him someone he can rely on but doesn't like it when his whole world starts to revolve around aoi. My guy, that's jealousy.

He is shown to trust him and even show his back to him in multiple instances, knowing he wont hurt him, and he’s someone he can trust (lets ignore what happens on the literal next page)

Even literally being one of those “i fight alone” type of people but when akane’s there, he’s never fighting alone

Item D: not sure if thats whats happening here but im pretty sure he tried rizzing akane(?) even blushing n shit like ‘oh no mr judge im not guilty🥺💄💋’

And then got agitated when it didn’t work

Item E: akane knows teru better than we think

When kou and teru were fighting, the reason teru even walked out in the first place was because of the fireworks. And whos idea was that?

Akane’s. He knew he liked fireworks and that they’d lure him out of his room. And again, he was right they did it fact get him to leave

Item F: valentines day event

i dont think i even need to break this one down. Its a picture of JUST them TOGETHER posted on VALENTINES DAY. 2/14/24. THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY THAT CELEBRATES NONE OTHER THAN ROMANTIC LOVE. Also teru’s color being used as akane’s sparkles and akane’s color being used as teru’s sparkles kinda shows that AidaIro arent just showing us two characters, they’re showing us TERU and AKANE, TOGETHER. If it really could be anyone im sure they’d put them in a general setting, but with the paired colors i’d say that says otherwise.

some might say they’re looking at eachother

Item G: possible fruit symbolism

first off, this picture.

First lets look at hanako’s. We can see he has two drinks, both red + with strawberries, along with a red straw. While also being pictured near other red fruits.

In this picture, nene’s flower(s) are literally strawberry flowers, putting the association between strawberries + nene out there. Meaning the strawberries in his drink could be purposeful, along with the red undertones. (red being her eye color) (sorry for quality im doin this on iPhone)

Moving on to teru’s, he has one drink, being yellow-ish with pineapple on the side, and chunks in the drink itself. Whilst his straw is orange, while also being pictured around a ginormous pinapple

And this isnt the first time we’ve seen him pictured with pineapples

This god awful picture unfortunately exists so im adding it as proof/evidence for my argument. (Oh and not to mention akane has green pants on so everyone’s a lil funky igs)

notice how as soon they got to his house his outfit changed? This is him when they got to his house (clearly in a long-sleeve shirt, not the hoodie)

this is him with akane + nene going on a date

All within the same chapter i think, but him changing outfits i feel like says something. Like we’re supposed to associate that with something other than aoi (them talking ab how to save her at his house) or his family. Like aidairo are shoving it in your face ‘disassociate teru w aoi!!!’ He even straight up left when they started talking ab how they missed aoi at the karaoke place. (More or so when he left they started talking but ykwim) Since nene is being associated with strawberries it leaves the only other person to be akane, this also making sense also because of the straw color. (The straw being orange; akane’s rep color being orange, as nene’s is red)

also the fact that fruit is literally associated with the queer community

Item H: triangles + queer symbolism

Quick history lesson, A triangle has been a symbol for the queer community, initially intended as a badge of shame, but later reclaimed as a positive symbol of self-identity. In Nazi Germany in the 1930s and 1940s, it began as one of the Nazi concentration camp badges, distinguishing those imprisoned because they had been identified by authorities as gay men. In the 1970s, it was again, reclaimed as a symbol of protest against homophobia, and has since been adopted by the larger queer community as a popular symbol of queer pride. More or so, the upsidown triangle. and guess whos ALWAYS wearing a fucking upsidown triangle

My guy has one for EVERY OUTFIT 😭 he’s just ab the only character to have this. Aidairo finds a way to sneak an upsidown triangle in all of his outfits

Item I: extras

This picture. Him holding akane’s shirt and aoi’s bag really shows that AidaIro REALLY doesn’t want us to know which one he likes 😭 (if you’re confused, to sum it up AidaIro did a really good job keeping teru’s stance on the “love triangle” between akane, teru and aoi, ambiguous. If you are STILL confused go check out my other analysies i only have like 5 other posts, they go more in depth ab it)

Him looking at akane after he ate his “home made cooking” 😭 ALSO HIS EYES?? Dude they’re glistening. And the slight blush too

In the “kiss comic” part of the art book, not only are teru and akane’s on the same page, but they also look like they go together

Thats all i got for now (´-ω-`) MAN this took me like 5 different consecutive days. I wrote like 3 parts on one day, 2 more parts the next, and 1 more part today. 😭 hope you enjoyed and this re-gave you faith that terukane might be canon one day 😔 fake it till you make it

Feel free to comment and tell me ab anything i may have missed!! :3

[spitblaze]

Mouthwashing spoilers below cut, played through it again today bc i accidentally nullified all of my achievements through the dev console. oops

Okay so the first time I played through it I was high and it was very late at night. Already a great start but it means I missed some shit my first time through and I'm already not exactly stellar at more abstract literary analysis. LUCKILY this site is full of people who are way better at that than I am (and im convincing my partners who are also way better at it than I am to play it soon too).

Luckily I'm better at lit analysis than whoever the weirdo on the Steam forum saying this game is bad because it 'doesn't punish Jimmy for his actions enough' as if this isnt a horror game primarily about his guilt-induced mental breakdown and if i have to see anyone else say that anya is a poorly written character im going to poorly write them out of existence because I'm inclined to believe that if you think that you either weren't fucking paying attention or have subscribed to the Joss Whedon school of feminist writing which is 'good writing of women is when they are girlboss'. like sorry shes too much of a depressed traumatized Fawn Response rape victim for your liking. jesus christ

Anyway the game being short DOES lend itself well to multiple playthroughs, which honestly is for the best because its really one of those stories that reveals a lot more on a second viewing. There's a Lot going on here but as far as I can tell, the biggest themes here are what it means to 'take responsibility' as well as autonomy and the loss thereof. The responsibility one is for sure the most obvious one, how many times in the game does it directly say 'take responsibility'? How many times does Curly say 'I'll fix this', how many times does Jimmy say he'll 'fix this'? And ultimately, how successful are either of them?

Curly's a good leader, sure, but how much does he just let slide for the sake of 'the big picture'? Daiske was a last minute addition. He's a good kid, but he didn't make a stink about it. Gotta think about the big picture. Anya has told him about what Jimmy did to her. Nothing. 'What would you do?' 'Anything.' But nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm not gonna sit here and say that Curly is 100% every bit as evil as Jimmy, if someone is raped the blame falls squarely on the rapist- but it's completely on Curly for not taking action against Jimmy for the sake of the big picture. He really could've done anything. Fucking anything. It's not necessarily on Curly to foresee that Jimmy's stress response would be to end it and take everyone else with him. But it was on him to do something about a known violent assault and its perpetrator before anyone else got hurt. He's not a perpetrator, but he's an accessory. He may not have deserved the punishment he got. But he's nothing if not agonizingly aware of the consequences for not taking responsibility for the actions of his crew.

Jimmy, meanwhile, is obsessed with responsibility despite the fact that he's incapable of actually handling it, from the very start. It's not clear when exactly he assaulted Anya, but I assume it was after Curly broke the news to the crew. The moment even a shred of consequences emerge, the minute Anya tells him that she's pregnant, his first course of action is to deliberately sabotage the ship. Murder-suicide. He says he's sorry. That he made a mistake. As if there were not multiple, deliberate steps at which he could've stopped and realized what he was doing. After everything, he tells the crew it was Curly's fault so he could have more of that responsibility he desired so much. Not that anyone respects it except maybe Daisuke.

But he can't handle even the most basic of responsibilities there, either. A handful of menial tasks and he fucking snaps at the woman he hurt to begin with, even when she only ever acts the way she does around him to avoid further hurt. 'Take responsibility'. But he can't. Over and over he'll tell the vision of Curly he's made in his heads that he's sorry, that he'll fix things, that they'll all make it. And then he just keeps making things worse. And worse. And worse. Anya's going to hurt Curly, she's suspect and violent. Swanson won't let them into Utility. That's suspect, he's going to get out of here and leave everyone else behind. They both have to be stopped. Don't you trust me, Daisuke? Don't you trust your captain? That's why YOU have to go through the vent. He cannot fucking take responsibility, only goad others into doing things and handling things as underhandedly as possible. No wonder Curly laughs when he takes the gun. Anya spent all this time trying to keep it from him. And he got it anyway, because that'll all Jimmy knows how to do. Take and resent and hurt. His own twisted version of 'responsibility'.

It genuinely pisses me off how many people write off Anya as being 'badly written' or write her off altogether, especially considering the VERY OBVIOUS character she's based off of, being Wendy Torrance in The Shining (Yes I'm aware there's baggage around that particular character's strength of writing too, but I'm not about to go off on a rant about a movie ive only absorbed through cultural osmosis). Like...she's not a perfectly written character, no- her arc is less about her as a character and more about the things that have been done to her. Sexual assault used as a narrative device, nothing new there- it's at least less egregious in a horror story, where fear and trauma and terrible things happening to good people is kinda the whole thing. My big issue with Anya's writing is that we didn't get more of her- more exploration of how Jimmy's actions affected her, more exploration of how her and Curly are that much more alike after the crash- it's not a very long game to start, and given her character and the situation I don't necessarily disagree with her going out the way she did at the time she did. It just would've been nice if they'd utilized the nonlinear structure of the whole thing to explore her more, y'know?

Given Jimmy's PoV it makes sense that he's more fixated on the consequences of raping her than on the woman herself, but from the Doylist perspective, like...c'mon, give us SOMETHING more to work with. And like I said before, it pisses me off that people see a woman who doesn't immediately fall into the 'girlboss' role when shit hits the fan and then write it off, as if the premise of the story isn't about everyone's reaction to a hopeless situation spearheaded by a violent, manipulative, self-centered shithead. Swansea's the most capable person here outside of Jimmy and Anya, and I've yet to see anyone saying his character was weak because he spends most of his time drinking and raging instead of taking action. I'm mostly just upset that I don't have much more to say about her outside of her relationship to the rest of the crew. One could argue that most of what we are is defined by our relationships to others, and the nature of the game means that we don't really get a deep peek into anyone's psyche besides Curly and Jimmy.

I like how she invokes the metaphor of that dead pixel, the detail that sticks out like a sore thumb to her, always in the back of her mind, ever-present, that Curly can't see and never will because he's too busy looking at the big picture. I like how they establish the nature of Jimmy and Anya's relationship without being too direct, putting up that brave fawn act while he's there- she has to, the ship is only so big and they're so off course that rescue seems impossible- but she doesn't sleep in the same room as everyone else, she won't confide in Jimmy, and his mistreatment of her was what finally drove her over the edge. Jimmy's more concerned about what she might do to Curly that what she might do to herself, and he KNOWS that she's prone to mental breakdowns- often caused by himself, if not by Curly's state. The whole thing is tragic, but Anya's case is particularly saddening. Even after her death, she's paraded around like a puppet so that Jimmy can have his macabre little party. He doesn't care about her. He never did. And yet he's haunted by her, the 'sexual thoughts of cartoon horses' intermingling with his strange psychosexual hatred of the nurse just trying to do her job, haunted by the consequences of his actions because he's too much of a fucking coward to really, honestly and truly, take responsibility.

Swansea and Daisuke I have less to say about, ultimately. They feel a lot more straightforward in their narratives, at least from my perspective. Daisuke's a dumb kid with a shitty internship and he's so upbeat and positive that it genuinely pisses Swanson off, which means that he does ultimately care about the kid. A+ dynamic. Seems like a prick on an initial playthrough, but on the second run through I get it. He's old enough, he's seen enough, he knows exactly what Jimmy is and doesn't buy his responsible act for a second. He's not a captain. He's just some shithead who acts like he can handle it but flees in the most destructive way possible the second the consequences rear their head. He's a man that, even in the throes of substance abuse, does a better job of taking responsibility than Jimmy ever could, and arguably better than Curly ever did. Instead of just shrugging his shoulders at a last minute intern, he took him under his wing and started training him. When shit hits the fan, his instinct is to protect Daisuke- the one person who IS his responsibility. When he really, truly does not believe there is anything else that can be done, he puts him out of his misery. Maybe he was saving that cryo pod for him, too. It's hard to say, but the fact that he's the only one who stood up to Jimmy and saw him for what he was makes him that much more likable.

Daisuke...oh, Daisuke. He couldn't have known this was coming. He was doing his best, he just did what he could, he tried to be helpful and kind and be a good person. And for that, Jimmy used him and got him killed because he was too much of a goddamn coward to apologize to Anya, to see her as anything besides a nuisance at best. I get why Jimmy is so fixated on his death- as far as he's concerned, his first real failure, since Anya was such a non-issue that he didn't even have anything to say about her lifeless body. It wasn't just his inaction that got this kid killed, it was his actions. He had every opportunity to use even a single ounce of his brain and recognize that there are other people on the ship besides him and Anya, to recognize that these psych evals aren't just for the sake of the individual. And for that, Daisuke died. Way to go, hero.

The autonomy shit...god. Psychological trauma can be just as incapacitating as physical harm, can't it? Anya completely changing her demeanor after being assaulted, her body no longer just her own. I want to see the horror of that from her perspective, the invasion and the terror and revulsion of having something like that growing inside you. How sickening it must feel, how just the knowledge of its existence makes living that much worse. How the man who did it is still nothing but despotic. Curly, finally seeing Jimmy for who he truly is firsthand. It's all well and good to believe in someone, to trust them and want to help them overcome their struggles. But being choked and beaten and abused by them, day after day after day, because you had the audacity to sit a little higher on the totem pole than they did, because you had what they wanted, because they couldn't stand seeing someone better off then they were.

It's kind of mind-boggling, honestly. I've...kinda been there, with people who I know are still there, they're fully in there and aware and the same person they've always been, but their means to communicate with the outside world is cut off. I was fortunate enough to have been listening to a lot of disability activists around the time my aunt started losing her speech. It seemed a lot of times that the only people who really recognized that she was still there were me and my uncle. Even my mom, her older sister, inseparable for life, started treating her like she was suddenly a different person, not capable of really understanding her or wanting or doing things for herself.

So, like- not trying to be selfish or anything, just doing the autistic 'oh i can relate to this' bit, particularly about Jimmy projecting all of this shit onto the captain when he barely has the capacity to laugh or cry, let alone speak. His savior. His best friend. His bitter enemy. Beating him relentlessly while giving him his medicine for having the audacity to be an inconvenience. Let's eat some cake. I want to go home. Curly is just a man, and Jimmy regards him as helpless, antagonistic, and a god all at once. He'll thank me for this one day.

So uh. Many thoughts, head full. After the end of the bizarro sequence with Curly heading to the cockpit, the door is very small. A black pixel, the one stuck in the back of Anya's mind. A graveyard full of mausoleums, every one of them with the same epitaph as the bizarro one for Daigo in ch 14, and the one you can enter with his face on it. Not a single one for Anya. The Polle at the end having the same blue text as Anya, haunting the narrative just as much as Curly, just less overt. I'll fix this. I'll take responsibility. God. God jesus fuck damn hell christ son of a bitch. Fuck capitalism for putting their employees on such tight strings and skeleton crews that a collective pink slip can send people into this kind of spiral (or rather can give Jimmy a good reason to convince everyone else that all of them are completely fucked except for the captain and Daisukle) and fuck Jimmy. Fuck him. My one other complaint besides the feminist critique above is that theres some sequences that go on a bit longer than they really should (ch. 14 getting the mouthwash, most of the vent segments).

Fuck you, Jimmy.

I hope that gunshot hurt.

[tuliptired]

hi! ive read so many fics where egon's love interest is super smart and a scientist just like him but i kinda wanna reader the opposite at least once :') may i request an egon x reader where his s/o isnt super smart like him, doesnt have an interest in what he studies but is supportive, never went to college, and they're a high school drop out who got their GED through GED classes? maybe one day they're feeling self-conscious about their intelligence compared to him but he assures them that he loves them no matter what?

Please Stay with Your Own Kind (and I'll Stay with Mine)

Pairing: Egon Spengler/Gn!Reader

Warnings: Accidental cut while cooking (stay safe friends :[ )

Sorry this took ridiculously long, life caught up to me and I had to do this ask justice by unpacking all my junk from when I was struggling with school ( ╥ω╥ )

Better formatting on Ao3!!

 You wiped your cheek with the heel of your hand, dust left in its wake. You pushed your couch back into place with a grunt, trying your best to tune out the noise coming from your kitchen table. Normally, if anyone barged in while you were trying to clean and insisted on using your apartment for experimentation, you’d be more than ticked off. But, you were used to it by now, especially at this point in your relationship with a certain atypical scientist. How could you resist him, when he7 was muttering something about elevation and better work environments?

They say cleaning is the best way to get rid of unwanted guests, but Egon was far from colloquial, only ever sneezing as you dusted the space around him. There were bolts and screws littered all over the wood, but you couldn’t bring yourself to mind. He was so busy lately, either at the firehouse or the university he had a fellowship with, that any visit was one to cherish. Even if it meant your centerpiece had to be relocated to the floor.

You stood, hands on your hips as none of your under-the-sink rummaging rewarded you with the little purple spray bottle you were looking for. “Egon?” You turned, the man zeroed in on the mechanism taking up such a small spot on the table.

He hummed, referring back to a large notebook without looking at you. “Could you check the bathroom for my window cleaner?”

Another hum as he kept working. This guy.

“Egon.”

He finally lifted his head, glasses slightly askew. “Right. Sorry.” he nodded once, before disappearing down the hall.

 Your eyebrows twitched upwards as you let out a light sigh, peering down at the contraption delicately, like your gaze could shatter all of his hard work. It was barely the same size as your landline, appearing almost miniscule when in your significant other’s large hands. How could such a tiny thing hold so much of his attention? Or require all the other machinery and calculation around it? Upon further inspection you could see intricate wiring woven throughout its insides. You clicked your tongue. This was all beside you- or above you, if you were being honest. You supported Egon, you really did, but Egon was physics, electromagnetism, degrees and doctorates in studies you’d never even heard of. And here you were, worrying about which set of patterned throw pillows fit the season more. 

The phone rang, stealing you from your moment of introspection, laced with contempt for whatever it was on your table. You took a breath before answering, voice uncertain about who would be calling so close to dinner. “Hello?”

“I’m calling from Columbia- Institute of Advanced Theoretical Research. Is Dr. Spengler around? This is one of the numbers he left for us.” The caller sounded boyish, and eager, rushing through his words.

You were a bit flattered at the idea of your line being an after-hours contact for him. “He’ll be just a second,” you apologized, leaning over to look into the darkness of the unlit hallway. Maybe you forgot to pick up another bottle at the store after all.

There was a staticky silence on the young man’s end, the excited murmur of voices when you picked up now lulled. You could hear him clear his throat before he spoke again. “If you don’t mind me assuming…you’re his partner, right?” he questioned.

“Oh! I am. He passes through here from time to time with work.” Your face heated up in such a silly way in spite of how long you’d been together. 

Surprised murmuring. Did he have company? “That’s great! Dr. Spengler’s a pretty big deal around here,” he boasted enthusiastically.

“Is he?” you smiled to yourself. “I don’t doubt he’s a decent scientist.”

“Of course! We’re all admirers, here.” he gushed. “I dream of being half the scholar he is. Dozens of degrees, 2 doctorates- he’s essentially a genius.”

You shuffled on your feet, amused at his vigor, but reaching that part of conversations surrounding intelligence and tertiary education that prodded at a nastier version of yourself. “Don’t I know it.”

He continued. “We study his journals like they’re gospel. He’s made such big progress in paramagnotheric study that we’re here working for him like drones. Grateful drones.” The student took a pause for air. “That’s why I called- we have big news for him.”

“It’s great- that you’re all so dedicated,” you squinted back down the hall.

Another scratchy moment without words. “I’d be so embarrassed, if he heard me raving like this. What about you?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, Dr. Spengler must have pretty refined tastes. What’s your doctorate in?”

Your throat tightened as you involuntarily clenched your jaw. You really thought you were over this question. Where was Egon? You could live with printed-stained glass if he’d save you from the incoming conversation. You drew in another breath. “Didn’t get that far.” 

“Oh! Sorry for assuming. Your master’s? We had bets on chemistry or neuroscience. Maggie had $20 on you being Dr. Abrams from engineering.”

Does he know that’s not a thing you say to a stranger? God, this was giving you a headache. “Only a GED,” you divulged painfully, snapping in speed but not in tone. What followed was what always followed, most frequently in the early days of your relationship. It was the stunned moment of disbelief from friends and family who knew your academic history. The lingering internal question of: “how’d they get with Einstein?”

“I see,” the caller finally stammered, most likely to be polite.

“Different things…it got away from me. If I could’ve, I would’ve,” you trailed off, not finishing your thought as you cringed at the idea of trying to explain your lack of a traditional diploma to someone who didn’t sound old enough to be far into their graduate schooling.

He cleared his throat. “I get it.” Did he? He’s got handfuls of degrees to add to his name. In the bitter respite of dead air, a venom uncoiled inside of you that was reserved to classmates in the gifted and talented program. But it wasn’t his fault, really. He was only a young adult going down the path that was open to him. And fangirling over your boyfriend, you thought to yourself as you wordlessly rewound it.

Finally, finally , Egon returned, with a clear liquid that wasn’t your window cleaner. But his presence didn’t make you feel any sort of reassurance. “Cladosporium growing in your grout. I made a fungicide for it.”

You furrowed your brows, pressing the phone into his chest and stalking off, leaving him to nearly drop the landline and whatever solution he was holding.

You resigned yourself to stewing in your misery and chopping carrots. You weren’t an exemplary chef, but you both needed to eat. Feelings that you’d be harboring in the back of yourself were boiling inside of you like oil, hotter than water. Egon appeared in the kitchen, having hung up.

“That was Lucas, from the university,” you heard behind you.

“I gathered.”

Egon must’ve failed to pick up on your tone. “He’s a bright young man. He manages the lab well when I’m gone.” You grabbed another vegetable before he settled at your side. “What’re you making?”

“Stew- rice- something. Could you get the stock out the fridge?” You cut awfully close to the tip of your pointer finger.

He tried handing it to you gently, and you grabbed it without looking, ducking into the cabinet by the oven for your measuring cup. Holding it up to the light, you cursed at the odd units of measurement. “ 15 fluid ounces,” you read the chipped red lettering, “how many cups-”

“1.87.” You didn’t turn to face him, letting a puff of air escape your nostrils. “Or 1.9,” he added quickly.

You poured it into the pot, steam rising into your face. Egon was quiet, until he leaned against the counter, taking up a much duller knife to help you get through all the vegetables before the broth burnt out. “About the mold in your bathroom,” he started. “I can remove it for you, but I’m worried about your respiratory health. Untreated fungi that you can see means untreated fungi that you can’t.” Wasn’t that reserved for roaches? Your skin crawled at the thought- of mold and an infestation. “Pathogenic diseases from mold are nothing to play around with.”

“It’s fine,” you uttered, checking on a pot of rice, fingers carefully holding onto the protected part of the hot metal handle.

“Killing it? I have sodium bicarbonate and trisodium phosphate back at the firehouse, it’ll only take-”

You grip the wooden spoon in your hand tightly, nails digging into the flesh of your palm. “No, I mean- don’t do anything! To my bathroom. Or my house. Please.” you nearly pleaded, shutting your eyes and stirring the contents of your dinner. 

Egon complied, wordlessly giving you a bit of space as he added the last potato. You chewed your lip.

“You usually ask for all the details from school.” his voice was barely audible.

A deep weight settled in your stomach. “It slipped my mind.” You spotted a bundle of thyme that never made it in, mindlessly plucking it from the countertop and going back to chopping. “What happened?” you breathed out.

His eyes were on you. “They’re making good strides. Lots of excitement, since they got the cells they engineered to detect psychokinetic energy in electromagnetic conditions. I don’t like leaving them alone, but this was nowhere near an actual challenge- it’s simple trigonometry.” Any other day, the “respected professor” thing would be hot. If you weren’t so focused on finely dicing the herb, you’d have seen his smirk to himself. “They were so happy- to get through the easier part of research.”

“Shit,” you hissed. The knife must’ve slipped, probably from how tense your hands were, or how thin you were slicing, or from how your vision clouded with tears of frustration. Regardless, it nicked into your flesh, quickly drawing blood. You brought the junction between thumb and pointer finger to your lips, before Egon seized your wrist. 

Egon herded you to the sink instead, his talk of “700 different types of bacteria” and “immunocompromised from mold inhalation” lost on you. You drew your wet hand back, lifting both to your eyes, now squeezed shut as you turned away. This whole thing was so, so stupid. It had been so long, and you still felt so angry. The outside world was tuned out from the rushing of water out of the faucet, until Egon’s voice broke through, even if it sounded far- as if he was on the other side of your apartment. 

“I’m sorry. You’re upset, and I don’t know how to help you.” 

A quivering air left you after you shut the sink off. He didn’t deserve your bad mood- or years worth of a bad mood. If you weren’t mad at the boy over the phone, or Egon, the only person left to scorn was yourself. Your vexation crumpled inward, turning into sadness. Self-pity. Resentment. Guilt. 

A thick swallow. “No- I’m sorry that I’ve been short with you today. It’s just- I’m- I don’t-”

Egon’s hands were guiding you to your table before you could break. In between joining you in the kitchen and taking the phone, he must’ve packed up what was left of the work he brought over, something you silently thanked him for. You sat in silence, not knowing how long you must’ve taken to steady your breathing and clear your head. Regardless, he sat with you the entire time, never once pushing you as his hand rested in yours, thumb laid clinically over your pulse point. He’s a creature of habit.

You looked to him, eyes a tinge red. “We’re getting older.” You lifted your gaze fondly to a familiar notch in between his eyebrows. It was only faint, something you’d teased him about because of his lack of efforts to stop or delay aging, but it wasn’t always there. “Much, much older.” Egon’s expression was neutral, something that brought you comfort when it should’ve worried you. “I admire you. So much. And so does everyone else- which you deserve. You’ve worked so hard, for so long, and you’re somebody, Dr. Spengler .” You gave him a weak smile that melted away as you blinked . “ And I’m awful for thinking it, awful for feeling it, but you don’t deserve an idiot who couldn’t even make it to graduation.” Hot tears gathered in your eyes again as your voice was shaky. “I’m holding you back from something bigger.”

His face was softer. “And, I feel like garbage. Utter and complete garbage because so much has happened since then and it still feels like I failed.” You could remember the first time Egon urged you to let him know how you felt, after every confession of unpleasant feelings felt like an unbalanced apology. He was allowing you to feel, without guilt. “It’s this nagging and incessant idea that I’m nothing.” You let your chest fall and rise. “Dr. Abrams wouldn’t do this.” a pitiful attempt at a joke. 

The ghost of amusement. His thumb gently caressed your pulse point, the heartbeat that was once in your throat resigned back to being a dull throb in your chest. He took a moment before speaking, voice small. “It’s not untrue that I value education.” Egon’s eyes rose to your own. “But I’d be closer to an idiot than you’ll ever be if I valued it over you, and your presence in my life.”

 “I’m sorry if I failed to notice how you’ve been feeling.” Egon took your other hand, the one that laid limply on the tabletop. “Do you think I’d be with anyone else just because they had a doctorate? A PhD?”

You shook your head, growing red under his sudden passion. “Egon, I-”

“It doesn’t matter to me, because they wouldn’t be you. You are so much more than an abbreviation.” Tears flowed freely from your eyes, and he gently wiped them away every time, hands cradling your wet cheeks. “Besides. Dr. Abrams isn’t half as interesting as you are.”

Egon smiled at you, eyes crinkling as you returned it. 

There was a hiss of smoke from the kitchen that made him flinch, the threat of fire making you scramble back to the stove. As you cut the heat, you winced at the sight of liquid and vegetables burnt black and stuck to the bottom of the pot. 

“Ah, man. I’m sorry,” you frowned, switching on the fan.

“Things get away from us,” Egon held your shoulders, smiling as he pressed a kiss into your hair.

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

Having some Tashiro (and prev pres) Thoughts

mostly just re-hashing things my fellow tashiro fans have said but I just felt like making my own post about it. be warned i wrote this while on a 4 hour drive on paper so im not sure how the length translates into a post, this will be a long one haha. also beware of inconsistent caps lock usage.

OBLIGATORY WARNING FOR SASAMIYA FIRST AND SECOND YEAR NOVEL SPOILERS

This whole thing was mainly brought on by two things, one is my non-ssmyverse friend dming me a twt screenshot with the most bland and uninspired description of tashiro's character ive ever read, signaling to me that tumblr has really spoiled me with the good tashiro takes. the other thing was that i got inspired to bring the first and second years novels with me on my previously mentioned long drive, which means that i got the pleasure of rereading both and, most importantly, rereading Tashiro Love & Passion. safe to say i had a lot to think about afterwards.

The whole thing really reminded me of the aspect of tashiro that i've always found interesting: his observant nature. And i dont just mean how he views others, but also how he views himself. How this perspective breaks the most of what we'd expect from a character like him, something Harusono loves to do with their characters.

From the first couple of pages in L&P alone, we get a lot of insight on how tashiro sees himself and how he bases much of that on how others view him.

He mentions a lot of clubs that he was a part of in the past or helped out with, describing his tendency not to stick around one club.

"The all-rounder." A "pinch player" anyone could call on.

I feel like this is an important place to start because just from this we see a bit of how Tashiro breaks from the mold of what an unassuming reader may expect him to be.

In the Sasamiya manga/anime, we dont really have too many chances to really view tashiro for who he is as an individual. with our limited perspective of him, we get to know miyano's friend tashiro, a bright, fun, and earnest character who says whats on his mind and is apparently on the ping pong team with hanzawa which is neat.

and if you werent a bit unhinged like myself and some others, this would be a fair assessment of his character. but ohhh boy once Love & Passion hit the towers there was no turning back.

there have been some posts getting into the themes of this chapter that i feel analyze it better than i ever could, so i wont do that, but i do want to talk about how tashiro's character is portrayed throughout the chapter.

And by far the main part that i want to focus on is how hardworking he is, and his and other's perspectives of him are effected by this.

Because tashiro is someone who wants very very badly to win, as he says numerous times throughout the chapter. Even under the guise of someday getting to quit the ping pong club, he pushes himself to get better; even going as far as practicing against the grannies and grandpas at the bath house that totally didnt adopt him.

For all his complaints, it would be easy to push off his actions as comedic. maybe, and im just making stuff up as i go, saying that he is only behaving as a stereotypical fun-loving slacker would. that his only motive truly is just to leave the club and drift through the rest of his high school days.

But then, that just isnt true is it? what kind of slacker would put so much time and effort into a club that he never even wanted to stick with in the first place?

This my dear friends, is how the Tashiro brainworms Fucking Get You.

Because why indeed, why is tashiro, who drifts through life wondering if he'll ever find his purpose, his Passion if you would, so impressive to the Previous Ping Pong Club President (prev pres) that he finds himself in line for future president?

While tashiro never really seems to figure this mystery out himself, we can take a few guesses.

While we will probably never see prev pres' thought process here (unless we get those 10k words of hanzawa lore that he'd probably be a part of) his actions speak for themselves in a way.

Afterall, this is the same president that got him stuck in this club to begin with, the same one who watched him complain, the same one who'd help drag him back whenever he would try to skip.

He's also the same president who watched him keep to their deal instead of just trying to find a way around it and quitting anyways. the same one who played against him at every practice, watching him learn and grow as a player. who saw him work hard, determined to not bring the team down, even if he wasnt as into it as the others. who saw him stick around.

in his perspective, tashiro takes multiple chances to not how he feels different from the people around him, that he has never known their "love" and never felt their "passion".

He finds himself surrounded by the Passion of others each day. His teammates, his friends, his bath house grandparents, just about everyone in the whole world. but what about him?

i mean, its not as if he's not interested in anything, he has things he likes. hobbies he enjoys. he just... never got that burning Passion, that unabashed Love for something like everyone else seems to have.

I think prev pres understood this part of him. that he saw what tashiro, for all his insightfulness, couldnt see for himself.

because for all tashiro believes that he doesnt have Passion, he sure does love to watch others indulge in theirs.

he takes note of what little he can catch while kuresawa and miyano talk BL, just so he can ask questions later. he gets to know the people at the bath house, listening as they talk about their lives and interests. and while he may not be "super into" in the ping pong club in general, he still wants to see his teammates succeed. he may never have stuck with a club for very long, but he still made himself reliable enough that he's seen as someone they can call to step in when needed.

in my mind i think that is what prev pres saw in him, how tashiro's dedication to see the Passions of others flourish assured him that the club would be safe in his hands.

and, while i cant say tashiro's passion is one specific thing right now, i can say that it encompasses every dream he wants to see grow. every love he curiously watches bloom. every ping pong match he fights to win.

[inactiveanimeblog]

THIS ISNT A FINISHED STORY !! I JUST NEED OPINIONS.

hey y’all, it’s been a MINUTEEEEE since i’ve written anything omg. please read this and let me know if you think i should continue to write this story. it’ll be like two maybe three parts? idk just lmk what you think :)

there is nothing too crazy in this so far (no smut or anything yet. so i guess trigger warning swears?)

bully shikamaru who is so viciously mean to you :(

he makes fun of your glasses and outfit choices. you look homeless.. why are you wearing sweatpants to school? baggy clothes that make you look.. poor?

you’re disgusting in every way, him and his friends are sick of seeing you to the point where even bullying you becomes old.

you’re an absolute nobody.

and that changes come third year of high school.

you never tried with looking good in school because.. what’s the point? it’s a place to come and learn, to prepare for the big world.

but then you think about how you’re sick of being treated the way you do. being talked about behind your back. being beat up for the sole fact of your looks.

so when you decide to shop for new clothes, try new skin care and makeup, a new hairstyle, you see the difference in yourself. the confident oozing from your eyes. your posture straightening out.

you look good.. better than the popular girls that hang around shikamaru and his friends.

first day of school arrives and it’s finally time to make some friends, enjoy high school like every other normal kid teenager.

when you walk in people are staring and whispering.

“is that a new girl?”

“who is that?”

“dude she’s so hot!”

the chattering amongst everyone doesn’t go unnoticed. it’s overwhelming with how much positive attention you’re getting considering how much negative attention you used to get.

and then you walk past shikamaru and the rest of his shitty group of friends.

they all turn around and stare at you. it’s like you’re in a movie and this is your big corny slow motion scene. you walk forward without sparing them a glance. flipping your hair over your shoulder and turning the music in your headphones up.

from the corner of your eye you can see naruto and kiba gawking at you, the popular girls glaring at you, and shikamaru eyeing you with the same bored expression on his face he always has.

you smile to yourself as you walk into class, taking a seat at the back corner and glancing out the window. first day of your third year of high school and so far it’s already been a success.

the home room teacher comes in introduces himself, opting his students to say their name and an interesting fact about themselves. when it’s your turn you stand and place a piece of hair behind your ear. “hi i’m y/n y/l/n.. and uh an interesting fact about myself is i enjoy reading manga.” you bow and sit down. everyone’s eyes still on you as they yet again whisper amongst themselves.

“that’s y/n??”

“she looks so different.”

“what happened to her over summer break?”

lunch period comes around before you know it and you’re debating on leaving school to get lunch or hiding somewhere.

but it’s a new school year right? you should try new things and stop hiding from everyone.

walking out of the school entrance you spot shikamaru and his friends sitting in the parking lot, talking amongst themselves about who knows what.

you only hope they don’t notice you as you scurry by and try to leave.

to your dismay they do see you and sai calls you over. “hey you! get over here.”

fuck. here we go again.

you walk over with your head held high. “is there something that you need?”

“what? you think you’re all high and mighty now because you got ‘prettier?’” the most popular girl in school speaks. ino. you hate this bitch. “you don’t even look that good. all you did was take your glasses off and put on sluttier clothes.”

“are you done yet? lunch period’s only an hour and i gotta get something to eat.” you pass a glance at each of them, who are completely dumbfounded by your change of character.

once no one says anything you make your way out of the parking lot, walking to a near cafe up the road.

(btw this isn’t the end of the first chapter this is only half lol)

[yarrayora]

9, 25, 30

9. favorite anime child

for the sake of argument of what a child is in anime we will use the fact that anyone older than in their 20s are treated as geriatric elderlies in anime world which means high school age is Basically Adult so i will use middle schooler and below as my criteria

anyway.

grade schooler shirota mahiru despairing over his mother's death

second place belongs to young child trapped in the orphanage who got his foot nailed to the ground

25. anime you would recommend to someone who hates anime

that would depend on what the other person is looking for? i would have to personalize it according to individual's taste lmao

30. one anime conclusion you would change

only one? okay, bleach, then. i would change the fuck out of the quincy war. instead of a bunch of supervillains with overwhelming powers that can easily crush the shinigami they should be tight knit survivors with limited resources who learned how to be REALLY really good at ambushing shinigami in group and picking them off one by one while being unseen

it would be soooo good if ichigo learns that "winning the war" doesnt always mean a victory, especially if they actually stick to their gun about quincies being survivors of a genocide it would be great to have shinigami fearing them thinking theyre outnumbered but we shifts to uryu's perspective and even the quincies are struggling to survive

it would make ywach so much more of a threat too, a charismatic leader who unites his people with the promise of a better future instead of leading with fear and an iron grip

also god. to have an enemy asks ichigo "you enjoy fighting us, don't you? you goddamn monster" pinned down by ichigo and no longer fighting simply waiting for their death. buying time for the others to escape

ichigo has never fought an enemy crying fearing death but already resigned to their death

like ichigo's theoretically aware of the quincy genocide in canon but to have to look uryu in the face and see the weight of it? thats very different

you can also have younger quincies being gungho about fighting in the war because they can finally avenge their family, the reality of war itself hasnt settled in to them, only to be defeated and have an older quincy saving them

toshiro going "why would they send an inexperienced soldier like you to war?" sneering. not realizing the truth yet

also god. ichigo already had similar storyline with hanataro. why cant he saved a quincy realizing theyre the same age as his sister?

battling a group of quincies and then to the rest of the shinigami seemingly out of nowhere ichigo blocks their attack and the first assumption is ofc that he got mindfucked somehow but then they hear ichigo mumbles and says "what?" and ichigo shouts louder "THIS IS JUST A KID!" as if he wasn't the same age as the quincy he saved when he risked his life to save rukia

and the shinigami wouldn't get it, maybe if it was komamura, but the rest of them? so in the end ichigo runs while carrying the quincy kid in one arm while using his blade with another to fend off attacks and the quincy kid grips onto ichigo demanding to know why he saved them while trying so hard to sound brave

tears swelling in their eyes waiting for this to be a trick a trap and not that their enemies have compassion too

also like. ichigo saving a quincy would make his mother's heritage even more relevant! he brings the kid back to their people and like. imagine if yhwach tells them they can trust ichigo because he is his mother's son

the quincy kid feeling less guilty about being saved by a shinigami bc turns out the shinigami has quincy blood in himand it's just. that's wrong, isnt it? his blood and his heritage shouldnt paint what he is as a person! but it's hard to say that when he sees how the quincies are living

and then yhwach tries to radicalize ichigo because he is the strongest asset to have in this war

okay I'm getting too long here so I'm cutting it short BUT. I'm right

[anzuhan]

hii!! i just wanted to give a bit of my opinion on tatsumi from someone who doesnt like him nearly as much as other characters so a more casual perspective i guess ^^ his design is very nice and pretty he gets a lot of nice cards which was my first introduction to him. initially i wasnt very interested since at the start his character was mostly just about religion and i'm not a big fan of christianity but he's more than that now!! he can be really funny sometimes, like his love for driving paired with crazy driving skills, and he has a lot of depth with his past and current issues and relationships to those around him. he's deeply flawed but doesn't seem to fully realize it, believing to be doing good even at the cost of himself. he's really similar to eichi since theyre parallels!! from what i've seen from others with more knowledge on the subject he's well handled disabled rep as well, his injury is taken seriously and consistently deeply relevant to him physically and emotionally which is really nice to see in media!! his actions in obbligato make sense to dislike but i think that's the intention, again similar to eichi during the war and a lot of eccentrics fans disliking him there but both of them believed their bad actions would have a good outcome and were willing to do anything to help others even if a bit misguided. i think their similarities are really interesting especially with the different ways they turned out as people after those actions!! i'm also more interested in his relationship with religion after obbligato where they went a little more into the specific kind of christianity he learned from his family thats actually a religious minority in japan, and the way its hard to tell how much he truly believes in what he says or just believes he Should because of how he was raised, its a much more complicated relationship with religion than say a character whos just a devout christian in america! esp since he's not actually the kind of pushy religious stereotype people think he is from first glance, he brings up god a decent amount but isnt really trying to recruit anyone or force them into his beliefs, its just something he brings up for himself usually, similar to other characters with religious beliefs like keitos buddhism he's not one of my favs, probably not even in my top 30 characters but as someone whos also sort of an everyonep and does love every character even if not equally, i think hes neat! he acts like a mature adult but really he's barely out of high school and went through so much in his life to not really get to be a kid, his entire teenage years were fucked up so he's still recovering from that damage and having to unlearn a lot of mentalities that hurt himself and others, he's got a long way to go but i like seeing that journey and development in characters personally!! i'm sure tatsumip can put it better and have more detailed knowledge of him, i just thought it might also help to hear from a fellow everyonep who isnt the biggest fan of tatsumi but likes him an okay amount ^^

adding the other two asks below as well v

first of all thanks to all 3 of you for taking the time to write these out and send them 🙏 theyre all very long and contain a lot of info. anzu will try to go over all of them in the answer now 👍

- for the part of the design, dude no kidding. when anzu first got into enstars anzu did actually like him too for like. 2 days 😭 and it was also because of the design cause you know ... first thing you see when you come here are all sorts of cool designs ! anzu joined enst community around the time global released, so it was past initial obbligato release in jp ; when anzu saw his obbligato card as well w the longer hair (w no context🐟) anzu was sooo whipped. his design is nice but to add onto this anzu does really think all enstars designs are very well done, for all characters ! we already have the design notes in the artbooks and how much attention there is to the littlest of details on all of them, so no wonder. of course, kazehaya is no exception to this as well, the hair and eye shades go well together, his droopy eyes fit in with making him look kind, his 5* outfit designs are also all very fitting 👍 nothing much bad to say about this part really. anzu also didnt draw him too much but he was fun to draw and his colors are nice to work with as well (adding more onto this from the fact that anzu drew christo from disgaea 5 a lot that has extremely similar color palette and looks to him 😭)

- at the similarities with tenshi. okay this mightve been old news to the fandom but this is new to anzu, but it may be just because anzu always related tenshi and ibara more as parallels ? for their pasts though it does make sense ! anzu may have just focused too much on the present on drawing those parallels though. also funny both tenshi and kazehaya are in the tea club (this is a cry for help also. anzu misses ! era tea party club so much)

- for the part in obbligato. clearly anzu forgot to mention anzu's real problem with this 💥 anzu doesnt really care that much about his cult leading era because sure it is a cool topic to look back on, even moreso anzu loves the whole deal with kanata's ex god activities and thinking up a what if he was still in that position now <- from both a horror aspect and not ; so with kazehaya it wouldnt be much different, just that as one of you have said he just didnt realize the damage he was causing despite having the best of intentions. anzu's real problem with that deal is how kaname's ended up the way he did from all this, in a way of 'oh if stupid kazehaya werent there, he'd be fine now' or along those lines. anzu is simply being a little hater from this.. much like himeru ✊️ kaname simply just means. a lot to anzu so mayhaps it just highly weights in on the hate 😔

- for the religious stuff. yeah this is also the only other part that actually bothered anzu, but guess it is not as common in the latter stories ? anzu did not go out of anzus way to read a ton of kazehaya stories to know, its true, but for the main story & initial idol stories (i.e aira idol story 2) kazehaya uses terms like 'lost lamb' and its a bit. eeeeeh. its true though that from what anzu remembers from the recent matrix story he didnt really mention anything of the sorts . but that story is also A WHOLE bomb and a half dropped on us and kazehaya just so happened to exist in it compared to. anything else that went down in it anzu may have even just forgot any involvement he had in it at all. just that he didnt do anything bad for anzu to recall 😭👍

- for the disability rep anzu actually has a lot to add on this one because it is really nice But it also gives anzu another reason to bitch about /j this whole entire part will be a bit more of a joke than anything. well for the conclusion, but anzu did suffer a similar enough injury when anzu was younger as well, and anzu also leans in on the exact same way as him 😭 which. truthfully speaking, it is super nice they included that in his stance ! anzu did see that post by enst refs page as well and was happy to see it. jokingly though. he stole anzu's shebang 👎 boo 😔😔 cant even stand weird in ensemble star without local priest copyright infringing it 😔😔😔😔

okay to add a bit more to it, it was nice how they mentioned stuff ab his rehab in it along with the hospital visits and stuff. reminds anzu that anzu also had to keep going back to learn how to walk again 😭 but not in a bad way just wow they sure did they research ... and a normal person would probably be like 'he jus like me fr' but anzu is anzu so anzu will find a reason to hate him due to this too /j

anzu will try to read more stories that focus on him as well, though anzu also didnt really outright avoid stories where he's included (i.e read princess kaguya & the new global limited one from the link click collab in full recently (due to the event)). its true that all and all hes not that terrible But anzu just likes being a little hater over petty reasons related to kaname. like himeru 👊 enemy of anzus enemy is anzus husband or whatever they say. /j anzu's sis also luvs kazehaya a lot and hes like one of her topmost favs soooo its okay. anzu can never really fully hate him 😔 for her . thanks to all you 3 for sending these in again though !

[berylliumliumite]

I am asking you about Intergalactic Idiots :}

oh em gee!

do you guys ever think about hwo kuiper is portrayed and interpreted by the anons im DYING to talk about how kuiper is portrayed and interpreted by the anons.

ok so this was back in 2019 but it doesn't actually like. excuse anything. so a big thing about this blog is BERYLL AND KUIPER (echo) and their combined ship (which doesnt actually happen yet or maybe never who knows!) KUIBERYLL (echo) and yes personally I ship it but I've grown and learned from my mistakes. okay? okay.

the portrayal of kuiper being soft and anxious baby boy is like. so so so so so awful to me. sorry if you like it but i hate it. that guy is annoying as fuck canonically. and i love him for it. he can be a bit of an asshole and he can stand up for himself. he just actively chooses peace (which isn't always the best decision but its like cmon guys hes like 21 or smth). i think it actively grew out of beryll being like. the cold hard bitch? so that people thought that in order to ship them they needed one of them to be the softboy. soooo not true actually what if they're botha annoying as fuck.

kuiper is also autistic. to me. i dont think he's like annoying to those he knows i think he just doens't know who he should talk to and when. so like he's def def def not annoying if you know him btw! i just htink he doesn't like, know when to stop talking/when to start talking (DISCLAIMER HES NOT ANNOYING BC HES AUTISTIC I JUST THINK THAT BEING AUTISTIC CONTRIBUTES TO THE WAY OTHERS SEE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

also i think kuiper has anxiety and yes he does get scared!! and he wears cute clothes!! and yes that also contributes to the way the blog kiinda babifies him. i dont think hes "baby boy baby" i think hes very much an adult with a real job who built an ENTIRE ASS SHIP BY THEMSELF?

here's a panel that pisses me off!!!

BE REAL. they're an adult!!! they know sex terms!! also beryll isnt a top but whatever. (beryll has also only had free will for like 3-4 years at this point, and yeah while denima probably filled him in on adult shit it makes more sense for me to think BERYLL doesnt know sex terms rather than KUIPER)

i wholeheartedly believe that yeah we were all in high school when this came out. and its 2019. so it'll play a bitinto stereotypes. esp the "softboy" "hardass" gay ship one. but it doesn't have to be like this anymlre.... look to the future. brilliant innovations are being made in the kuiper has gay sex division. and also in the beryll is lame as FUCK division

if i sound mad its because I AM this guy is cute and annoying and can be an asshole! he's clumsy and likes soft things and uses he.they AND HES ANNOYING! AS FUCK! CANONICALLY HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE OTO SAY THSI GUY IS LOUD AS HELL AND DOESN TKNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP!

ok rant over. i probably couldve worded large swathes of this better but thank u for connecting with me over this mwah im not fucking putting this under a readmore so um. listen to my igi kuiper asshole rant boy

[obxsprincess]

heyy girl, how are u? i know ive been kinda missing but i might need your advice on something bc im very confused and unsure (and my friends are being kind of unhelpful bitches lol

So, im in college right? and theres a lot of fraternities around, and I met this guy, a friend of a friend, and he lives in a fraternity.

So far so good right? We kinda flirted with each other for a few days until a party last night where we finally hooked up (i was drunk but everyone said it was pretty hot :)) but i had to leave bc my roomate was very sick so i never got to talk to him abt anything else basically. And my friend said tomorrow they'll have a small party to celebrate a bday on that fraternity, and everyone keeps saying i should lose my virginity to this guy (ik shocking im a virgin), but the thing people dont understand is that i get attached very quickly and to me our kiss basically locked in, so im kinda nervous ill get attached and he wouldnt want anything serious w me

Reading it back it feels kinda dumb but specially for people on campus and SPECIALLY on fraternities is very rare for u to get kinda together w someone so quick, so I DUNNO WHAT TO DO

- 💋

hiii babes, ofc ofc im always here to help!! and remember not even my opinion should persuade you into anything, cus I can only go off of my own experiences with virignity loss and hook ups 💞 but I hope my insights helpful!!

I lost my virginity at 16 back in high school (a long time ago and not at all saying ur guy is like this ! cus he probably isnt! especially cus hes an adult so I hope to fucking hell he isn’t) and it definitely happened very fast and quick, texted for a few days, made out, and then met up to have sex. in summary it ended with my nudes being leaked around the school and almost a felony on my name (for sending them?) but the thing ive took out of it (and only reason for the story, im srry cus I was so young so it might seem weird to include) n held close is to remember trust is one of the most important parts of sex really! because your putting your pleasure and body into someone elses hands, but also your emotional trust because sex is so much more than just getting physical for a few minutes, and its important to remember that the lingering thoughts shouldn’t ever be negative, or the guy broke the trust you put in him. truly the after sex reaction is just as important as being taken care of during. in my experience, because I didnt know the guy well, I went into it blind not knowing what I total asshole he was.

and trust, in my eyes, means knowing you’ll be treated right afterwards no matter what, even without a relationship basic aftercare if the bare minimum. and to me it doesn’t seem like you are convinced he’ll do that for you ! so pls pls be careful 💞 who knows ! he might be an amazing guy but if you arnt ready to take that step yet, don’t ! because the good ones are always willing to wait. I would say text him/talk to him in person if you have to too. because and I’m hoping not but you never know, his and your friends might have ‘talked’, and sex might be on his mind too. so if you feel comfortable, get on the same page with him with whatever you decide angel !! you deserve to lose your virginity and be glowing afterwards, its so much better than regretting it 💗 whether u choose to get to know him better or lose your virginity to him, stay safe bby and use safety <3 (pls make sure to discuss possible STD history on his side too btw !)

hope this helped a little love, love you and never let anyone pressure you please, cus fuck that

[hertwood]

dts s5 e6-8

e6: -having flashbacks of having to defend oscar to my mom for this why does the show try to lean into otmar's perspective so heavily GROSS -nah im full tinhatting i do not remember this whole bit where everyone hypes up oscar in interview before he has his lil chat with mark netflix u slimey lil bitches -oh if i was here when this news broke summer break 2022. i would've been inconsolable. i'm sure it was nuts, ballistic. maybe it was good i wasnt there. idk if i could've handled it akldkfjadslkfjasdkfj -lando saying "i already am (leading the team)" was not that rude it was just the TRUTH sorry -daniel speaking italian is so important actually -"ive been in this sport for 25 years i know what im doing" king that only makes the fumble THAT much more embarrassing COME ON -otmar talking abt how well oscar took all the shit we offered aren't we owed a contract? reminds me of timeshare schemes like actually just u paid for xyz if you dont have a contract in place he doesnt owe u anything maybe do contracts better next time :) -unfortunately zak brown is right!! its a pr disaster is the 5 million worth it!!! and they didnt even get the 5 mil!!! how do lose ur job speedrun masterclass here!! -i do wonder how much netflix inflated daniel's chances for the alpine seat, bc from what i've heard it wasnt really in the conversation. idk i wasnt there but it would make sense for netflix to lean heavily into this narrative -did not realize liam was sitting Right There when pierre was askin abt the gossip aldfjaslkfjaksjdf -the way how in season 1 its like NO DANIEL DON"T LEAVE RED BULL i feel the same way abt pierre going to alpine. like ofc it made perfect sense at the time and you cant fault him for it but like no babygirl its bouta implode PLEASE -rip all the tiktok edits that were muted in the umg purge that paired "good luck to oscar" with "if a man talks shit then i owe him nothing." thank u taylor couldn't have said it better myself -"do you regret anything that's happened?" "um. no :)" U TELL EM BABY

e7: -i'm sorry but geri seemingly getting boiling water from a tap to make tea is so fucking insane rich person cursed -was originally gonna include this funny shot of christian standing looking out a balcony like sharpay evans in high school musical in my s5 gifset but due to recent events i will not :) -i just think. that including this whole bit abt how much checo loves his family in the same episode as the monaco gp where he allegedly cheated on his wife was a CHOICE. interesting. -lewis's monaco 2022 outfit is one of his best outfits ever. its so iconic 2 me -HI ALEX -so many cinematic parallels to discuss. s1 max putting it in the wall in practice and ruining his race to prove he was faster than daniel. known parallels to brocedes ALLEGEDLY trying to sabotage eachother by crashing in that corner in monaco. hmm hmm hmm. much to think -im sorry the sainz collision is just so goofy. i remember watching the replay of this quali and being bamboozled. befuddled. deeply amused. what a stupid fucking sport -'for fucks sa-........okay this is typical monaco isnt it" MAX GETS IT -i honestly dont mind wet monaco races just bc by nature of the track its on average slower therefore less dangerous. i'll take a wet monaco over a wet spa any damn day -ferrari's double pit fuck up is PEAK embarassing ferrari strats. like to do a bad strat is one thing but to just mess up the strat ur trying to do. peak biblically cursed charles leclerc moment

e8: -god i wish i got more into yukierre. i see the appeal. unfortunately they just dont give me brain worms -many thoughts. um i think focusing on yuki's temper is just. unfair. like sure he should work on it but thats an issue with many young drivers its not a unique failure on his part -i have given thoughts on japan '22 before i'm not rly gonna rehash but i really wish the didn't gloss over it on dts. i think it was an important moment in the sport to have a big conversation abt rain safety. -oh this nyck supercut is gonna be painful knowing where it goes :/ -god remember when ppl thought nyck was gonna lead the team? leave yuki in the dust? even /i/ had him above yuki in my preseason predictions isnt that insane? -"im happy, i'll take that, that you'll miss me at least 2 or 3 minutes" god forgot the most romcom ass shit since sebchals we'll start by holding hands -nando n lance having this crazy crash and now a year later they're fucking on the reg. happy 4 them

[muma-kitty]

i was tagged by @illusionaryneil to list 8 shows to get to know me better so here they are:

1. Powerpuff Girls- this show was my entire personality as a child and i count it as my first special interest. buttercup was my idol and i wanted to be just like her. and yes, i am very disappointed in the remake and am adamant the original is vastly superior.

2. Ed, Edd, n Eddy- not as influential as the first show on this list but definitely an important part of my childhood. being the lonely kid i was i fantasized about having a ragtag group of friends to cause mischief with, especially regarding the construction of weirdly complex stuff like the eds were known for. i also think the kanker sisters were the coolest, especially marie. also, is it just me or did everyone i know think that double d was a girl at first?

3. Death Note- jumping ahead to my middle school years we have this absolute classic, and the beginning of my interest in anime, basically required reading/watching for any fan of japanese media. i have fond memories of spending weekends with the friend who introduced me to this show and staying up until 4 am watching adult swim for this to come on. now i know i probably should not have been watching adult swim in the 6th grade but you know, kids hit 13 and think theyre grown. also this is nowhere near the worst thing you could show to a young teen.

4. Code Geass- this is the other defining show of my middle school years, and this one stuck with me for far longer. also something i really shouldnt have been watching at that age, and i really didnt even understand the political themes of the plot, i just wanted to watch the main character blow shit up. watching it again as an adult is a much different experience and i have developed more of an appreciation for it over time.

5. Hetalia- now i know what youre thinking: "oh god a hetalia fan *blockblockblockblockblock-*" listen, im not going to defend this series and im sure as hell not going to defend its fandom. i dont associate myself with those fascist-fetishizing yaoi-addicted freaks but this show was still a big part of my high school years and long story short i may have never created the fursona i have today without it. (no i am not joking)

6. Villainous- this is a brand new very recent show that is far from being finished but definitely ticks off a lot of my interests so im definitely excited for the day it finally comes out dubbed in english. makes my inner edgy teenager happy. definitely want to go out and wreck shit with demencia.

7. Invader Zim- now i know im a bit late to the party on this one but unlike most people my age i didnt watch a lot of nickelodeon growing up and in my adulthood i decided to revisit the things i slept on while they were popular. its true what they say, queer and neurodivergent culture really is just spending your 20s being the teenager you always wanted to be. and i wanted to be a scene kid.

8. Making Fiends- much like the above, i didnt really watch this until recently. unlike the above, its a tragically short series that never aired more than a handful of episodes before getting canned. even worse, the creator cant do anything else with it bc nickelodeon still holds the rights, even though they never do anything with it besides air reruns every october. thankfully the whole series can be easily found on youtube, including the original webisodes. also, if i had a nickel for every angry little green girl i found relatable id have 2 nickels, which isnt a lot but its weird it happened twice.

Bonus: Dan vs.- another tragically short show. its great. just go watch it.

im passing this on to @hangatyr and @thechthonicmother and whoever else is interested. idk who else i know who hasnt been tagged already.

[scartale-an-undertale-au]

So... I see this a decade after i decided to simply... Stop instigating conversations because i felt like im simply burdening others with my presence and that they actually felt annoyed having to hear from me and wished i wouldnt send messages.

The thing is that none of them ever approached me afterwards. When we saw each other after a while we would be ecstatic but there was a wall between us already and i dont know if its simply life going on and us being very different than back then, or that they truly didnt see me the same as i saw them (as my besties).

One time i met one of them (this one specifically was my best friend from first grade until twelve basically) on the street and i see that she's married and walking with her husband. Turns out the wedding was that sunday and i wasnt even notified of it happening or of the engagement. I wasnt mad about not being invited, but i was hurt for not even being notified! She then turned to her husband and said that im a friend of her from high school.

Its been a decade from high school so i can see why she said that, but that hurt me so badly that the moment i waved them goodbye and they disappeared around a corner, i collapsed and just sobbed. I was so heartbroken. It seemed that i was the only one who still thought of her as my old school's bestie or had thought of including her in any future milestones simply because she was so important to me.

So i dont know how i feel about this post. I understand where you guys are coming from and its in good intentions, but the main issue is that many kids who become the sole instigators were never shown that they can be vulnerable in front of their friends about this matter. It felt like its your duty and how you contribute to the group. And when it became harder and harder, the friends never questioned why you pulled away or asked for your wellbeing. It turned into a situation when you feel more like a nuisance than a leader.

Fortunately, i have now friends who instigate so much more than me and i keep telling them how i appreciate it and apologise for how terrible i am at texting back and that its never because i dont want them to text me. Its simply because texting or answering messages had become so hard for me and so mentally taxing i sometimes shut down when i see messages i need to reply to.

So rambling aside, as much as i appreciate your sentiment, i think a different approach would be helpful.

My approach (which is not better or worse, just a different approach) is to get comfortable with a 'friends for one day' reality. I go so many times to so many places and meet so many amazing people, we always say we'll contact one another and keep in touch and then never contact one another again, and that's alright.

You have to be comfortable with being friends without focusing on the 'keeping the friendship going' let people come and go. Those who truly want to stick around will stick around, and they usually have a much deeper connection with you that isnt dependant on who instigates the conversations.

My friends are those that mostly text in memes and reels since we dont see each other often. And i do the same in return. Its easier and relays so much more. We have proper conversations here and there, but our actual interactions happen physically. And they instigate meetups much more than i do and i always make sure that they know that i appreciate it. One of my friends and i also have some differences in opinions, so we have some long discussions.

I also have a friend who i dont text to at all but invites me to shabbat meals once in a while and i come over and its like no time had passed. I invite her back for bbq or shabbat as well, but thats also once in a blue moon.

Another friend is across the ocean so its mostly photos and small comments and talks about our lives and since the war began, she keeps checking if im alive and well.

Another friend is also across the ocean and we mostly speak about our realities of being jews or squeal over her precious daughter or make plans for when she finally comes to Israel.

So my friends arent part of one group but many branches of different aspects of my life. I would say i have around seven/eight of them that arent my current co workers (work friendship is also temporary and i accept that fully and enjoy our time together) and im truly blessed because i had let go of the desperate need to keep my friends together.

So please dont call us a bitch for not willing to talk about it. And we're certainly not mini community leaders, we're just people who are friends with those that never cared about reaching out first or affirming our friendship in any kind of way. Its not fair to put the expectations of reaching out onto the one who constantly did that. Friends who truly want to keep up a friendship will attempt to do so when they see that the other side isnt as present as previously.

Sorry im all over the place, im on my phone and its harder to articulate on it

every now and then the internet decides it should revamp the ole “stop texting first and see how many friends you lose” when in reality you could literally just communicate that u feel bad that ur the only one texting first

[mayssa-m]

i done figured out what I wanna do in my life and what my life will look like, it might look like I got no plans but I really know what I’m doing. I nose-dived several times education-wise n that’s really odd of me cus I was known to be the biggest nerd in my class n that reputation completely faded away n I can’t really blame myself as I got distractions of another life with a completely different lane n it’s hard to balance between, my mom just had a talk w me and this time I’ll do it not for myself but my mom n that other life I wanna live cus i always promised myself no matter what I’ll never give up on school n the results by my attitude towards it is the perfect route for someone removing school from his/her life, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. It’s gonna be harder for me than others whether it’s people only being focused on school n doing really good or someone else in the field I’l distracted by doing really good in it to, in my case the harder part is gonna be balancing in order to succeed in both, it’s gonna be really challenging but I know it’ll pay off 2 years from here n theres nothing to worry about as I talk everyday about how fast time goes so those two hears will go in a blink of an eye n ill look back n be like damn. I’m ready for this 2 year journey as at the end of them I’ll get double rewarded, two different types of rewards from each side, I learned a lot from the previous mistakes I’ve made and this time I just wanna do really well and bounce back just imagine me being a nerd again my family being really proud of me along with myself n doing also well in my other plan like bro what could be any better than that n then 2 years from now I’d get my results n graduate imagine just that is enough as my life is completely shifting I’m leaving my home country n gonna open this new chapter of my life that’s what Ive been dreaming of for soo long just living by myself in another country yes my family is gonna be away but what ive always wanted since idk what age was me living in my own appartment in a different country i also planned w my cousin we’d have a mansion each or split one and have expensive cars (part2 ill take about it later) n then I’d visit my parents and give them gifts and money n them just being genuinely happy with who they’ve raised and finally all their hard work paying off cuz im telling you it wasn’t easy for my parents especially now we’re prolly at our worst financially n whats giving me hope is not only that they always end up figuring it out but that im the oldest meaning id be the first to show them that what theyve done was worth it (+my second plan on the side) one of my goals also is getting a scholarship so that i wont have to make them pay much and something i also thought of was them not even paying for me i want by the age of 18 to be able to pay for college, car, clothes, food, airplane tickets, etc just anything for myself n i know ill do it BRO i wanna make them so happy you wont even understand n they dont even know the millionth of how grateful i am of having them or just anything they do, i see it trust i just dont show ut in case i look ungrateful to them, its not that i dont hug kiss n say i love you that i dont mean to say it its just all in my head i keep rushing myself in my head to be even harder on myself n makes things go faster, they’ll never ever even expect the quarter of what im about to do

I wanna come back n read this whenever i feel like i cant do it nomore cus i know there will be a lot of downs, school really isnt easy when youre aiming to be the best at it (to aim high)

my parents always taught me to aim higher n i still got this habit where i overestimate what i can do n dont end up being consistent so i end up being disappointed

n i know it might sound weird n unusual but something thatll keep you going youre not getting there by being in your room 24/7 just doing school stuff, you need to go out, do activities, go out with your friends or family members, spend time with family, just basically going out n not always working in the same environment n you will enjoy it better than being all by yourself studying in the same environment, its really all about balance and organization, n thats what ill do n first step would be to start sleeping earlier and wake up early in order to have better quality of sleep for a better performance the next day and a longer day in order to be able to do as much as possible thats all i gotta do for now

28.08.2024 it’ll really all be done by like june-july 2026 it’s crazy

[nixierain]

Vent post. You don't have to read

I wanna talk about random fucked up mental shit Bruh, I've been stuck in a kinshift for like really long... There are still probably several differnt voices in my head... I wish it was ones I knew... I kinda miss the other voices back in my head from 7th grade because they were SO much nicer... Except Darkness, hes a bitch. But Death, Olive, Melody and Ruby were actually nice enough. Some of them were sadistic, but still. Speaking of sadism, I just randomly get sadistic... And like one second I'll be A ok, the next I'm a fucking mess thats spiraling... I mean I guess thats BPD for you, it still suck though OH and the "Seeing and hearing things others cant see"... They've FINALLY gotten a bit better die to my meds... But when they do come around, it seems more vivid than eariler. I mean I like the aditory ones, those are like pretty music now, but the notifactations and (rarely) voices confuse me and cause anxiety. I've alwasy had these kinds of things I guess... I remember when I was little I used to hear scratching on my window when nothing was there. UGH Everyone calls me Schizophrenic. I HATE it, sure I'm delusional as fuck and "See and hear things others cant" Shit... Forgot what I was gonna say... Well see if I can remember it

Ha, my meds are working a little too well, to the point where my depression and everything is masked to myself, underneith this fake facade I've put up, I still am depressed as fuck, it shows in my drawings and writing.

I've had two identity crisis's in the past not even a year, and I've lost touch with myself more than that, not to mention the unreality episodes. At this point, disconnecting from reality is one of my HORRIBLE coping mechanisms...

This is weird, but I'm starting to HATE summer Vacation cause its SOOO fucking boring, I dont have anything to do all day, so I'm just sitting around. Funny thing is that boredom triggers my depression and causes me to fall back into suicidal ideation and more unmotivation, and like everything.

Ugh, I'm not looking forward to high school at my district, cause middle school almost killed me...But I wont be bored hopefully and people wont harass me more... And if they do, hopefully the school will do shit about it. Ha.... Middle school sucked... Lots of trauma.. And now I have tics, it sucks. I also accedentally pushed people I loved away because of my affection styles and overclinging. I do this out of care and the fear of being abandonded. My therapist says my fear of abandonment isnt irrational, cause there are deep roots trauma that caused it, she just says that I go to extremes.

HAHAHA I'm going insane... No one will see me as the gender I identify as, or the name, I'm stuck being a girl named .... Omg this is long

I wish I could just turn off whats left of my emotions, or have better control over them.

Oh don't even get me started on my damn religion, that... thats intresting.... But I think I have a soulbond or smth with my guardian spirit (I think he's my guardian spirit) cause if someone asks a question to him, I just blurt out the answer. Though Raven's chill, he's cool and very nice, probably the second nicest entity in my room (Second to Will)

Its kinda funny though, I have a personality disorder, a mood disorder and a language/communication disorder. I'm a whole package... Just not neurodivergent. But don't worry, I'll be ok... I hope

Yeah I'm cutting myself off here