#our girl is taking notes and getting fitted in an Elsewhere sex shop

[witchofthesouls]

You got me hooked on the battle couple and since your the only dealer I'm making it your problem!

Imagine its not poetics or gifts or even battle prowess that wins miko over no. its his fucking musical ability!! Tarn gets it in his head to serenade his beloved with someones freshly removed head as a gift for good measure and for some reason that's what does it for miko who pounces him once the song is done. The next day tarn is walking with a limp hanging off her arm like a pampered trophy wife looking like he got mauled by a bear and miko looks far to pleased with herself.

It's funny because Tarn exhibits many qualities her kin appreciate, and frustrates her even more!

Her cousins would definitely roast her in a good-natured way because of the mysterious mech's dedication with fresh kills and lovely courting gifts.

Oh, and they match, too. Pink and purple complement each other!

Miko is sulking underwater because Cybertronians like to stay from it.

Of course, Tarn plants himself on the beach, bank, pier, or rockside to wait for her. If there's wide space, then he's writing scripts into the dirt and sand via his tank treads or using pretty rocks.

I don't know if it's funny or terrible if Tarn's ability doesn't injure Miko. Not out of fated bondmate bullscrap, but because her seablood heritage came out and sees it as not only a siren-like potential mate but entwined in the words are the undeniable score of her other half of a Soulsong.

Instead of pain, it enraptures.

Think of it as some sort of seablood catnip to the average seafolk, but on Miko? She can't tamp down the instinctual urge to warble out her own part.

Tarn is delighted over the fact that they'll have a private duet. Meanwhile, the others (minus Raf, Jack, and June) are increasingly disturbed by the haunting, ethereal noise that is enemanting from everywhere and nowhere as Miko gets back into singing in sea-tongue.

Not even the exquisite temperatures of a hotsprings could overcome their collective anxiety over it.

Jack and Raf calls them out for it because they managed to go against robot Satan and hordes of the undead, and yet a mating call is what spooks them the most.

It's the ambiance, they said. It's the middle of wild nature with an eerie back-and-forth echo of lovely yet haunting notes. Nothing else is disturbed by their sensors. Where is it coming?

It's Miko. Underwater. She knows how to suppress herself and hide her presence. She's enjoys hunting.

Probably culminates into this:

Miko: "What if I fuck him?"

Jack: "Don't do it."

Miko: "But I do it in a way he wouldn't expect it."

Jack: "Miko, I love you, and we spent lifetimes together, but I'm finding out things I don't know if I want to know."

Miko: "I'm gonna peg his ass."

Jack: "... What if he likes it?"

Miko (not listening): "I always wanted to peg an ass."

Jack (giving up): "Find a good harness then."

Raf (who's been there the entire time): "Ask about lube. You'll need it for aft ports."

Miko: "Ratchet’s been running away from me. I'm gonna need a trap because I need more info."

(Cue a reluctant sex ed for Cybertronian frames starring Ratchet with special guests' input on war-frames from Soundwave and Knock Out.)

[616marvel]

Pairing: Byleth x Felix (with a tiny Byleth x Sylvain. like super tiny) |  POV: Felix Headcanon: How Felix announces to everyone that he’s engaged to Byleth also how their first time happens (+ Jealous Felix)

note: I just had to for the tsundere of the whole game. I had to. This got really long, I was just going to do like a headcanon bulletin type of shit but THEN THIS HAPPENED

The first time Felix kisses Byleth is after his confession. He thinks that it would be the perfect time, she’s already right there pressed against the wall so it wouldn’t be too weird if he just leaned in. She said she feels the same so that should be an indication, right? So he does, he leans in and he thinks this is totally fine.

Except it wasn’t. He’s never kissed anyone before, having spent his time sparring during his academy days left him with little time to explore the subject of romance. Felix thinks that even during his time as a student, he’s only ever really had eyes for her (albeit unbeknownst and unrecognized by him). With that in mind, the kiss, although reciprocated, was a little sloppy. Felix kissed her but the embarrassment of not knowing how to properly kiss anyone was sending his face aflame.

Needless to say, his lips started quivering and Byleth noticed. Too embarrassed to address it, he just leans on her shoulder and lets the scarlet overtake his whole face. Byleth thought it was endearing and patted his back in reassurance. They stay like that for a minute before composing himself and telling her that they should probably go back where everyone was.

Felix isn’t the type to show public displays of affection so for the next two days, despite coming to terms with their relationship, they found no reason for them to announce their relationship to the others. This was something that they could keep to themselves and that thought…made him happy.

Of course it doesn’t occur to him that the other Blue Lion students probably had the same sentiment towards Byleth. If he felt that way towards her, then surely some of the other students too, right? That thought hadn’t crossed his mind up until he saw Sylvain and Byleth near the newly built garden.

From afar he could already see Sylvain’s smirk that had girls and guys falling on their knees for him. Felix has never been romantically jealous before, but the tinge in his chest was definitely something that he can’t help but notice. He doesn’t make a ruckus, just watches from a far and listens in (definitely not eavesdropping. Nope).

Managing to pick up a few words, he realizes that Sylvain was laying it on thick. Telling her how radiant she’s been looking now that the war is over. That perhaps now that the war has ended, she’d be able to look for future prospects for a lifelong partner. Sylvain: …maybe someone like me?

Felix felt a vain pop, the little patience he had for Sylvain slowly diminishing by the second. Sylvain: We can talk about it over dinner, prof. Byleth: Oh, Felix may want to join us for that. I’ll ask him.

Was it wrong for him to smirk at the idea of Byleth thinking of him in this type of a situation? Probably, but it definitely did ease the pinch in his chest. Sylvain: Wait, why? Sylvain: It’d be nice with just the two of us. Trust me on this. Byleth: mm. Then I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.

Before Sylvain could even continue, Felix comes out of the corner to announce his presence. Felix: okay, that’s enough. I’ll be taking Byleth now. Sylvain: Byle- since when did you start calling her by her actual name? Felix, holding her hand: since today. Sylvain: okay well if that’s the case, I’ll call her by her name too. Byleth would you like to have dinner with me? Felix: Felix: Thank you for the invitation but the answer is no.

And then he drags he out of there, still holding her hand as he grumbles. Byleth doesn’t know what has gotten into him but she doesn’t mind, kinda just follows with the same calm expression. Felix, inwardly to himself: the ring ain’t doing shit. I gotta do something.

The next day at the dining hall, Felix very casually sits next to her and holds her hand, their rings clearly visible. Felix: Good morning, Byleth

This was uncharacteristic of him so this concerns Byleth. Byleth: Good morning, Felix. Are you feeling well?

While he’s awkward when it comes to affection, he finds that he’s very thorough when it comes to jealousy and misunderstandings. Felix: I’m feeling great, would’ve been better had you visited me last night.

A bold statement coming from a guy whose face was clearly turning into a shade of red. By now people are watching. Mercedes was the first one to finally ask (because she handles his outbursts better than most people). Mercedes: Oh my, are those rings? Felix, trying to keep a straight face despite of the blush: Yes, I asked her to marry me.

And then the whole damn place erupts. Byleth is unsure why her former students are so rowdy. Sylvain, finally: NO WAY, YOU!? Felix, giving the redhead a pointed glare: Yes, me.

The burning curiosity from everyone was making his face feel warmer than it already was so rather than staying, Felix very calmly (as calm as he could) takes her hand to stand. Felix: Well it’s far too crowded here, lets eat elsewhere Byleth.

He’s definitely showing off the fact that he calls her by her name instead of professor or teach. And so they eat elsewhere and that’s when he kinda sighs and crumbles into a flustered mess of embarrassment. Of course Byleth’s just happy with being alone with him considering how different he is when it’s just the two of them. Byleth: no need to turn red, Felix. Blue is a far more fitting color for you. Felix: ….who’s red? Not me pffft.

He says while turning more red. While that was finally cleared and everyone now knows that they’re together – it now came to the matter of affection.

Sylvain is the one to ask because that guy is just as curious as everyone else, but he actually has the guts to ask. It happens one morning while Felix’s cleaning his sword. Sylvain, literally only came to the training room for this: so you and the prof – you uh…. Felix: what? Spit it out. Sylvain: ya know, did the hanky panky? Felix: They hanky what now? Speak properly. Sylvain: you seen them honkers, you know? Felix: Sylvain. Slyvain: okay okay, have you and the prof done the nasty? Felix: Again, what? Sylvain: Felix, you can’t seriously be this dense. Have you and the professor have sex yet? Felix: Felix: I don’t see the need for you to concern yourself with this. Sylvain: Sylvain: so that’s a no. Felix: Shut up Sylvain Sylvain: okay you've never been with any woman, even during our academy days, girls didn’t interest you Felix: because they were annoying, always following you around Sylvain: but it's different now, right? you love Byleth and as such, you'd need to know how to please a woman Felix: Byleth is pleased by me– Sylvain: I’m sure she is, but I meant for sex Felix: ...whatever you say

He says while clearly feeling the warmth creep along his cheeks. Sylvain ends up talking and talking and talking while Felix feigns boredom (but really, he was taking notes in his head). Sylvain: got it? When all else fails, use your tongue Felix, clearly, totally, definitely not interested: Whatever.

He leaves thinking he’s had enough of Sylvain’s nonsense, but the thought kept creeping back, leaving him flustered. Would Byleth really…want him to do that…?

He can’t even kiss her without feeling embarrassed and the last time he’s kissed her was at the goddess tower. It’s been a month and a half since then and he just figured the time will come when it comes. It also didn’t help that he didn’t know how to go about kissing her again. Does he ask? No…that’d be weird.

This gets his mind racing so when he spots her drinking tea and she spots him, he tries his damnest to fucking walk over there without thinking about what Sylvain had said. Felix: Byleth, you seem relaxed.

He’s trying to calm his nerves but he keeps looking at her fucking lips and he’s going to die.

Byleth is so blissfully unaware of the dilemma that she’s causing to him. Byleth with her tea: mm, quite relaxed. It’s been a lovely evening and it’s gotten lovelier with you here.

After a while she could see his stiffness. Byleth: is everything alright, Felix? Felix: huh? Oh- uh yes. Just, thinking. Felix: drinking tea Felix: continues to drink tea Felix: downs the tea Byleth, inwardly: that was freshly brewed, how did he- Felix: so hey, uhh…I wanted to ask you Felix, mouth lowkey numb from them burn: Do you maybe….want to…spend time tomorrow….with me….out in the town or something…haha we could get groceries...

Usually taking her to town wasn’t hard. All the times they’ve gone to town was casual and actually quite fun, but now he’s determined to kiss her. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’s going to kiss her again. Byleth, smiling: of course, I’ve no plans tomorrow.

Come next morning and he’s there early to pick her up. He had Mercedes of course help him with the burn so now his mouth doesn’t really hurt. (Mercedes was so confused why his mouth was burnt ‘From tea? Felix how–‘ ‘Just…don’t ask.’)

They go to town and he initiates the PDA by holding her hand, which in turn causes Byleth to turn to his ever-pink face. He’s never done that before but it wasn’t unpleasant. What was supposed to be a grocery shopping became anything but that. They ended up going to a play, having lunch, and then he even bought her a trinket. A necklace at that.

By the time they’re done, it’s the afternoon and he’s walking her back to her room since she now resides inside the church because she’s now the new archbishop. Felix is quite thankful because there’s less people, he can definitely kiss her before arriving to her chambers. After checking his surroundings, right before they stop at her door, he finally tugs on her and asks Felix: Do you…the necklace…do you want me to put it on you? Byleth, smiling gently: yes, of course.

And she moves her hair to the side so he could do it easier. Felix, the awkward nervous boy that he is, is clearly shaking when he’s trying to put on the necklace because he neck was right there and it’s so slender and smooth and–

Before he could even really think about it, he kisses the back of her neck after finally putting the necklace on. He withdraws, flustered but standing his ground as Byleth turns, a slight pink on her cheeks. She wasn’t expecting the kiss and it sent tingles down her spine, but she smiles at him regardless. Byleth: Thank you, it’s beautiful. Felix, visibly pink: you’re….uh…you’re welcome….Byleth Felix: listen…can you close your eyes for a bit? Byleth: ??? Byleth: Okay.

She seemed confused but she closes her eyes and then that’s when he leans to kiss her, lips still quivering like the first time he kissed her. This time, his kiss wasn’t just a peck, this time he tries. She’s his first kiss but he figures the only way he could learn is through trial and error so he carefully deepens it, cupping her cheek and slanting his head so he could do this properly. She tastes like his favorite cup of tea and her lips were so damn soft. When the kiss was over, he withdraws and sees Byleth actually slightly flustered, a blush on her cheeks with a haze on her eyes. Felix: Felix: Felix: Sorry –

And then he leans to kiss her again. And again. And again as they walk back to her room while continuously kissing her over and over. It doesn’t occur to him that they’d hit the bed and that she’s suddenly under him. Once he realizes this, he’s flustered but he figures this is fine. He’ll just keep kissing her, that’s fine, right? The kisses lead to her neck, then to the swell of her breast, and then between her thighs. He doesn’t recall how they got naked or how it happened but they definitely end up doing what Sylvain called as ‘hanky panky.’ Felix refuses to let her go that night and sleeps there with her in his arms.

Felix wakes up confused as to where he was and why he was naked until he sees Byleth, equally naked. He remembers and he can’t help but kiss her bare back before pulling her closer to cuddle her some more.

Byleth is late for her meeting with Seteth and the Blue Lions. Sylvain: Good morning prof- Sylvain, noticing the bruise on her neck: :0

Felix comes following after Sylvain, looking at Felix then back to Byleth then back to Felix: :0 Byleth: Don’t.

Of course Byleth doesn’t even bother trying to cover it up or lie about it but Sylvain gives a Felix the hardest time and he swears, if they weren’t in the same team he would’ve stabbed this guy by now– Sylvain, nudging Felix during the meeting: So eh? You and the prof finally? Eh?

During the meeting Dimitri notices the interaction, confused up until he turns to Byleth and he sees a bruise just barely peaking out of the neckline of her clothing. Dimitri: Pro- Dimitri, noticing the hickey: Dimitri: COUGHS. Dimitri: uh… Dimitri: good morning, Professor. Uh- Dimitri, looking at Felix: Felix: What. Dimitri: Nothing.

Felix is a lot more cheerful that day. During lunch time, Mercedes notices the bruise, announcing it while everyone’s around. Mercedes: Oh professor you have a bruise on your neck, let me heal it! Everyone in the dinning room: Sylvain: heh Byleth: …sure Felix, inwardly grumbling to himself: It’ll heal naturally…you don’t have to remove it.

[losille2000]

Sugar, Chapter 1

TITLE: Sugar CHAPTER NUMBER: 1/? AUTHOR: Losille2000 WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor!Tom; Actor!Jai Courtney GENRE: Romance/Drama FIC SUMMARY: Benny and Tess Sweet: Twins. Business partners. Georgia natives. Southern belles. And each others’ greatest allies against the world. Neither could predict how their lives would change when a wayward Englishman wanders into Tess’ cake and tea shop, SweetYums, in a desperate search for a proper English tea. Prepare for cavities. RATING: M (sex, language) WARNINGS:  None. AUTHORS NOTES: This will be mostly marshmallow fluff, with tons of empty calories, but hopefully a good time. Don’t know how updates will fit in with my current writing schedule with Home/Safe Upon the Shore, TCA, and Saving Grace, but I desperately needed to put this up because I have a mighty need for happy times. Story will focus mostly on Benny’s and Tess’ POV, maybe with some Tom and Jai POVs. For @cinderella1181

Also available on Archive of Our Own!

Sugar Chapter 1

Benny checked her watch for what seemed the millionth time since taking her place in the lengthy line at craft services. God, she was so late. She should have known better than to schedule her last shoot of the day so close to five, especially when it was on the opposite side of town from where she needed to be at six. Now it was almost useless to rush, knowing the traffic waiting for her on the freeways with everyone getting off work.

 The blonde actress in front of Benny—no one famous, well, not yet at least—took her time ordering her triple venti iced soy latte with one—no, two—shots of espresso. And maybe she wanted one of the baked goods. But what baked good? Were the scones low in sugar? What about the pound cake? Full of butter? Ick.

 Benny rolled her eyes when the girl finally scrunched her nose and decided not to eat anything, even though it looked like she hadn’t eaten anything in at least a month. One good wind was liable to knock her right down, Benny thought, but kept it to herself by biting her tongue. The actress floated away down the bar to await her beverage, finally giving Benny the ability to step forward.

 The thoroughly unenthused clerk behind the till looked at her as though he were daring her to compound the last ten minutes he’d spent with Ms. Actress and her indecisiveness. Benny smiled apologetically at the guy and giggled. “Just a small mocha, no whip.”

 “That’s... it?” he asked.

 Benny nodded.

 “Oh, thank god.”

 She laughed and dug out a ten dollar bill from the leather coin purse dangling from her wrist. “Keep the tip.”

 The clerk paused for a second, holding the bill tightly in his fingers. He contemplated accepting it, but his Southern modesty won out. “I can’t, ma’am.”

 She shook her head. “Keep it. Seriously. Heaven knows the shit you go through.”

 “You have no idea. Thank you,” he said and dropped the change in his tip jar. “You’re not an actress? Are you on a crew?”

 “I’m a photographer,” she replied, simultaneously pointing to the visitor’s pass hanging from her neck and the large black camera bag on her shoulder. “Mr. Perry called me in to do some promo shots for one of his new movies.”

 He grabbed a cup from a stack and grabbed a Sharpie. “That’s cool. Name?”

 “Benny.”

 He looked past her as he quickly scribbled the name and handed it off to the other person pouring and slinging the drinks with the efficiency of a seasoned barista.

 A large shadow fell over them a moment later. Benny glanced at the two men who stopped in the queue behind her. She tried to hide her shock, but she was sure she gave herself away as the one with slicked-back dirty blond hair and the sculpted body of a linebacker caught her eye. He grinned and winked, assessing her body from head to toe, but stopping for a length on her tits. She straightened her back and stuck those babies out, not one iota shy about the male attention or the size of her rack. What was the use in having twins, anyway, if they didn’t make her breasts permanently grow a full cup size, even long after she’d stopped nursing?

 The man beside the first—tall, reedy-but-well-muscled, and gorgeously English—noticed where his friend’s attention had gone. He also grinned, nodded a wordless greeting and turning back to his conversation.

 Benny thanked the clerk again and stepped away to wait for her drink to be made. She listened to the two men order and give their names to the clerk—Jai and Tom. Of course, she knew their names already, but it was nice to hear them say it in their native accents. When they joined her waiting for their drinks, she overheard bits of their conversation, but tried to stay out of it. That was, of course, until the Englishman bemoaned the lack of quality English tea in a location known for its saccharine sweet tea, which was just as much sugary syrup as it was water and tea.

 The barista slid her mocha out on the platform and gave her a smile, but Benny was busy digging through the camera bag for the stack of business cards she kept hidden for instances such as this.

 She stepped between the two men, who looked at her with mild interest, but not unhappy that she had interrupted them. She lifted the card up and held it out to Tom. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping, but I thought I could help you out with your tea problem.”

 Tom smiled. “Thank you, darling. What do you suggest I do?”

“My twin, Tess, owns a cake and tea shop in Decatur,” she explained. “It’s not close to the studio, I’ll grant you that, but she’s meticulous about serving good English tea. If you’re jonesing for a taste of home and you have some free time, you should check it out.”

 Tom didn’t hesitate to take the card from her fingers. “SweetYums?”

 But Jai was concerned about other things. “There’s two of you?”

 “I’ll take that as a compliment,” Benny laughed. “And yes, sir, a play on our surname.”

 “You should,” Jai replied. He clearly had fantasies of twins.

 Benny opened her mouth to say that they were fraternal and looked nothing alike except for a passing familiar resemblance, but the cell phone in her pocket stopped her. She knew it was probably the daycare calling about her children; she was meant to pick them up by five-thirty—and she’d clearly blown past it.

 “Oh, I’ve got to go,” she said and lifted her mocha in salute to the two men. “Have a wonderful evening!”

They voiced the same; she felt their eyes linger for a little while longer as she walked away, but she ignored them.  There were two little people elsewhere in the city she needed to focus on.

  By some miracle, traffic wasn’t as bad as usual and she arrived before the daycare closed at six. A feat she probably wouldn’t ever be able to accomplish again.  Despite every fail safe she put in place to try to be on time, she always managed to be late.  She’d be late to her funeral, too, if she had her way.

 Charlotte and Raleigh were the last two in the room, quietly sitting together with their backpacks on their five-year-old shoulders.  The teacher, Miss Kelly, gladly handed them off with nothing more than a grunt and a sigh of relief as they walked out the door.  Benny figured no news was good news where they were concerned—they were holy terrors on their best days, just as their mama and her twin had been when they were small.  She often thought it was payback for the hell she and Tess put their parents through.

 When they were finally in the car on the way home, Charlie’s voice pierced the quiet ambient noise of chattering children and radio.

 “Mama?”

 Benny glanced in the rear-view mirror, catching her baby girl’s bright blue eyes. “What, baby?”

 “Do you know who my daddy is?”

 A bolt of fear shot through Benny. After the day she had, the last thing she wanted to discuss was who had fathered the twins.  Especially since he didn’t know about them.

 “Well, um,” she cleared her throat, “why?”

 “Miss Kelly said our daddies were supposed to bring us to daycare in a few weeks for a party.”

 “Oh,” Benny said. She hadn’t heard anything about any parties involving fathers. But she supposed the information was probably in their backpacks.

“And Sarah said her daddy was going to be there and I want my daddy there, too,” Charlie said.

Oh, God. No. Not now.

Benny coughed into her hand. “We’ll talk about it later, Charlie, okay? Mama’s had a pretty busy day and Papaw may go with you.”

 “But I don’t want Papaw to go with me! I want my daddy!”

 It took everything in Benny’s soul not to shout that her daddy probably didn’t want her. Not that she actually knew that, seeing as she never summoned the courage to reach out to him after she found out she was pregnant. Well, reach out to his “people,” she supposed. There’d be no getting to him personally—even if she wanted to do that. Which she didn’t. Because it was ludicrous to even think he’d want anything to do with them—much less deal with the fallout from his wife—once it came out that he had twins from a random one night stand.

 Benny drew in a breath and looked again in the mirror, meeting her daughter’s eyes. “We’ll talk about it later.”

 “But Mama!”

 “No!”

 And that sent her off crying. Raleigh grabbed Charlie’s arm to comfort her, but Charlie batted it away and slapped him. Then they were both crying and trying to kill the other.  Benny turned around as soon as she stopped at a spotlight.

 “Stop it! Now! Both of you!” she said. “We don’t hit each other!”

 “He started it!” Charlie whimpered through large crocodile tears.

 Benny groaned. “Both of you sit still and shut—be quiet,” she stopped herself and clenched her fingers around the steering wheel. “We’ll be home in a few minutes and both of you are going to your bedrooms until dinner.”

 They wailed in unison. “Mama! No!”

 She shot them both a look, the look she had long since mastered, the one her mother had passed down to her by some freak genetic code—that one that meant business. Even at five, they understand she was at the end of her rope.

 The car behind them laid on the horn. Benny groaned and turned back in her seat, finding a green light.  She angrily waved at the car behind her, then balled her hand in a fist to prevent a lone middle finger popping up in front of the children.

 Blissful silence followed as she drove home and pulled into the driveway to find her sister unloading groceries and carrying them upstairs to her apartment.  Tess hopped back down the stairs and stopped beside her car, waiting for Benny to pull into her parking spot and cut the ignition.  Her twin looked like she’d had a long day, but she hid her exhaustion with a bright smile.  It never failed that even when she was feeling the worst, Tess always managed to ignore it.  Benny wished she had her sunny disposition sometimes.

 Tess dove once more into the trunk of the car, stretching for one of the bags that had been pushed back into the dark recesses of the vehicle.  When she emerged, she said, “Hey,” and grabbed another bag.

 “Charlie, Raleigh, take your aunt’s groceries up.”

 “Ah, Mama...”

 “Don’t make me punish you for longer.”

 Both children sighed, grabbed the last of the bags from Tess’ hands and ran full speed up the stairs and slammed the door on the upper floor apartment. Tess frowned and looked at Benny. “What’s going on with them?”

 “They got into a fight and I told them they had to stay in their room until dinner,” Benny said. “And... Charlie wants to know who her father is.”

 Tess pursed her lips and stuck out her hip, resting it against her blue Ford. “I’d like to know who her father is, too...”

 “I’m so sick and tired of this shit, Tess,” Benny replied. “Why does it even matter? He’s not in their life, I think I’m doing an okay job by myself. We don’t need him, so why should I complicate matters?”

 “Because everyone wants to know who their parents are,” Tess said. “Wouldn’t you?”

 Benny groaned and shook her head. “You just don’t understand. When you have kids, you’ll understand.”

 “When I have kids, I plan to be in a committed relationship with the father.”

 Benny squinted her eyes at her sweet, innocent sister.  Thirty-two she may well have been, but Tess was still the same optimistic—and naive—sister. She’d been on a constant parade of first dates since college. Nothing ever seemed to take, but she held out for her happily ever after.  And held out. And held out, hoping each successive try that someday some guy would come along and be everything but the sorts of losers men always turned out to be.

 “When you actually have a relationship, the world will end,” Benny said.

 “Hey, don’t jump down my throat just because you’re in a bad mood.” Tess stood tall and shook her head.

 Benny felt bad for saying what she did to Tess. It wasn’t right to criticize Tess for something she couldn’t really control, nor the shyness that prevented her from getting out of her bakery’s kitchen and spending time socializing. That’s just who Tess was, and even though she was a naturally shy person, that didn’t mean she hadn’t lived life and spent nary more than a few days at a time without being around Benny. Frankly, Charlotte and Raleigh were as much her children as they were Benny’s.

 Benny puffed up and cheeks and sighed. “I’m sorry I snapped. It’s just been a stressful day. And the daycare got pissed off again that I was late for their pick-up time.”

 “I can always swing by if you can’t make it, Ben,” Tess said. “It’s literally five minutes away.”

 “I know, I just feel bad,” Benny replied. “You’re usually busy cleaning up and prepping for the next day.”

 Tess shrugged. “Why were you late anyway? I thought your shoot was at three.”

 Benny laughed. “You know the movie industry. Hurry up and wait. And then I needed caffeine and the chick in front of me was taking forever.”

 “Ah,” Tess said and pushed away from the car. “There’s a pot roast and the fixings in the oven. I should probably go check on it.”

 Benny’s stomach grumbled at the mention of food, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten much all day. “What’s for dessert?”

 “Oh, I was fiddling around with a new cinnamon roll recipe today,” she said. “So there’s a really crumbly pan of cinnamon rolls upstairs. Tastes good, but the dough in the recipe is crap. Still can’t find anything better than Old Memaw’s recipe.”

 “Why mess with perfection?” Benny asked, slinging her arm around Tess’ shoulders as they walked to the stairs leading up to Tess’ second-floor apartment. The lights in the downstairs apartment flipped on and she heard running feet and screaming.

Great. The twins. How could two five-year-olds sound like a herd of wildebeests?

 Benny groaned. “No dessert for them tonight.”

 “That’s fine. I’ll warm those bad boys up and we’ll eat them directly out of the pan,” Tess said.

 “Then we’ll go to the gym tomorrow.”

 Tess laughed. “Maybe you will. I’ve got five weddings this weekend.”

 Benny rolled her eyes, but cracked a smile anyway. The truth was, Tess never needed to hit the gym because she never stopped moving throughout the day, and sweat off whatever she consumed in the grueling heat of a high-volume kitchen. Benny, on the other hand, didn’t have that luxury.

 “Alright. Let me go take care of these hooligans,” Benny said. “When should we be up?”

 “In an hour, tops.”

 Benny saluted and diverted toward her front door. She stood outside for a moment, breathing a few calming breaths. Sometimes, especially nights like this, she thought it would be nice to have someone else in her life. A male someone, maybe. Hell, even a female someone. But it would need to be someone willing to deal with the twins’ rampant lawlessness as much as she did. She hated always being the bad guy. Sharing the load might be nice.

 However, that someone would never, ever be their biological father. Because he was never, ever going to find out about them.

 Ever.

 Benny squared her shoulders like a conquering warrior and pushed open the door. Those two didn’t know what they were in for.

[theconservativebrief]

Hooters, the granddaddy of the American “breastaurant,” has steadfastly stuck to the formula that led to its success in the 1980s, right down to its iconic uniform. Even if you’ve never set foot inside the chain, you can probably describe it: white sneakers, pantyhose, orange short shorts, and a white tank top, where a presumably horny owl’s eyes double as the Os in the chain’s name.

But that strategy — and that outfit — may not be working. Business Insider reported that the number of Hooters restaurants decreased 7 percent from 2012 until 2016. While Business Insider attributed this to Pornhub’s findings that millennials are less likely to search for breasts, there is widespread online speculation that the problem lies not with a decreased appreciation of breasts, but with the fact that the concept of the restaurant is outdated and appeals only to the most boorish of baby boomers.

Hooters employees at Hooters Manhattan VIP Press Party on January 15, 2015, in New York City. Bennett Raglin/WireImage

How much is the uniform — an ’80s throwback, right down to the “suntan” pantyhose — to blame? Does the iconic “Hooters girl” look embody a concept that no longer has a place in the modern marketplace? Could Hooters save its brand with an aesthetic overhaul?

Hooters itself is surprisingly hush-hush about the uniform at the center of its business plan. The only company-sanctioned description available dates back to 2005, when the Smoking Gun website published an official Hooters employee manual. Its contents ruffled some feathers; employees had to sign a statement in it that they “hereby acknowledge … the work environment is one in which joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace.” It may have gotten a rewrite in the intervening years, but the Hooters public relations department did not respond to a request for an updated copy of the employee manual, or to questions about the origin of the Hooters aesthetic.

It’s difficult to verify the uniform’s exact requirements because women who work at Hooters are either very reluctant or unable to provide a copy of the dress code. Marisa, a former Hooters employee, never had access an up-to-date copy of the employee manual because, according to her, it didn’t exist.

The dress code “was verbally communicated,” Marisa (who asked to be identified by first name only) wrote in an email. She explained that “there were pictures of how a ‘model Hooters girl’ was supposed to look” posted in a staff-only area, “and there were posts on a bulletin board reminding us the amount of makeup we had to wear and how our hair could be done.” (It should be noted that different locations have slight variations in their dress codes.)

Marisa added, “The dress code was extremely strict. Our managers would meet with all the girls who were about to start their shift and check that our hair was done, makeup was done (at least mascara and lipstick), shirt and shorts had no stains, tights had no rips in them, and shoes were clean and white.”

“Our managers would meet with all the girls who were about to start their shift and check that our hair was done, makeup was done”

The chain has made a few tweaks in recent years, opting to get rid of the white slouch socks that were a hot athleisure trend in the ’80s. According to an Orange County news story from 2009, the original high-waisted orange shorts were designed by the popular swimwear brand Dolfin, but today women who work at Hooters can wear an updated dance-style short that sits lower on the hips. The pantyhose are still part of the requirements.

How does the modern Hooters employee feel about wearing hose? Another Hooters server, Samantha (who also asked to be identified by first name), said this part of the uniform didn’t give her any pause: “I’m also a ballerina, so I’ve worn pantyhose most of my life. I’m glad it’s part of the uniform because it holds everything in place and makes the shorts fit more flattering.”

Marisa has a different perspective on the tights: “I wasn’t a fan of those because they would rip so easily and we had to buy those almost every two days at $5 a pair.” But she also sees why Hooters wants to keep this part of the look — “I understand the aesthetic … they make you look tan and cover up any marks on your legs.”

The 2005 guidelines explain the nuances behind the “Hooters girl” aesthetic. “Hooters offers its customers the look of the ‘All American Cheerleader, Surfer, Girl Next Door.’” Why a “surfer?” Perhaps this harks back to the surf shops that line the beaches of Clearwater, Florida, where the restaurant first opened in 1983.

Hooters “isn’t even a nickname for breasts anymore”

Back then, Hooters didn’t have to deal with a slew of mediocre online reviews, piled on top of viral Twitter tirades about how Hooters should staff women who could double as therapists. On Yelp, the complaints typically ignore the cleavage and instead focus on cold food, watered-down drinks, and unsatisfactorily small chicken wings.

When reviewers do mention the servers’ looks, they often complain that Hooters isn’t offering its customers the level of titillation that customers expect. One reviewer in Towson, Maryland, said, “If you go because the girls are scantily clad, you would be better off going to the Tilted Kilt” (one of Hooters’ newer competitors in the breastaurant scene).

John M. was similarly frustrated: “Is this a Hooters? I thought it said so on the door, but when I walked in, I didn’t see any Hooters. These are some of the least endowed and ‘heavier around the waist’ Hooters Girls I’ve ever seen.”

Even unhappier is Michael P., who reports, “Girls are overweight, bitter and ugly. Yup it’s superficial but why the heck else do you go there??? Boobies and butts!!! Duh!!!!”

So it doesn’t seem that customers are clamoring for less sexualized uniforms.

Joseph Szala, a restaurant branding expert for Vigor marketing, has helped restaurants overhaul their look to appeal to younger, hipper audiences. For Hooters to revitalize its flagging appeal, he explains that the chain would need a radical overhaul. “It’s a scenario where you have to rethink the whole thing,” he says, starting with the name. Hooters “isn’t even a nickname for breasts anymore.”

But again, it’s not the revealing nature of the uniform that’s the issue. Szala points to Tilted Kilt, which opened in 2003. There, the waitresses dress like school girls, à la Britney Spears in the “Baby One More Time” music video.

“If you look at Tilted Kilt, it’s a rather modern interpretation of a sexualized woman, whereas Hooters maintains a 1990s Florida beach look,” he said. The newer chain also capitalizes on innuendo and scantily clad servers but has (until very recently) enjoyed steady growth.

Another racy fast-casual chain, Twin Peaks, has a similar story — its outfits might be the most suggestive of all the breastaurants, which Szala describes as “an outdoorsy girl … gone sexy.” Despite the recent Equal Employment Opportunity Commission complaints filed by former servers, the chain enjoyed healthy growth in 2017.

Szala points to Hooters’ menu as an issue. Tilted Kilt and Twin Peaks offer menus that are more in tune with casual restaurant trends. Tilted Kilt has vaguely Irish-themed “pub fare,” including items like “pub nachos”; Twin Peaks boasts a freshly prepared, “from scratch” menu. “Hooters was created for one purpose: to get dangerously close to showing people naughty places,” Szala says. That’s a service we can get elsewhere, and at restaurants that serve more interesting food.

A Hooters restaurant sign above patrons eating in downtown Santa Monica. Getty Images

Szala has a few other ideas for how Hooters could refresh its look. For one, it could come up with a style that’s “a bit more aligned with what is truly the girl next door.” And that means playing down the uniformity of the uniform. “Let women have the option of length of shorts, as well as style of tops,” he says. “As a brand in general, if they let the women that they hire express themselves in a way that’s more comfortable, the experience feels less forced.”

It’s not unusual for businesses to update their uniforms — Szala points out that airlines change their uniforms every few years in order to keep up with changing fashions.

Interesting he should mention airlines. Hooters had its own airline from 2003 to 2006, which ended up losing the company $40 million. What happened to Hooters’ willingness to take risks?

Hooters has experimented with revising its business model, but with none of the boldness that brought us Hooters Air. 2017 saw the opening of Hoots, a pared-down version of Hooters that offers only the most popular menu items. Sex appeal isn’t part of the package; male and female employees wear standard fast-food uniforms of khakis and orange polos.

Jean S. said in a Yelp review of the new Hoots in Cicero, Illinois, “the young women get to keep their dignity and aren’t revealing any skin.” Matthew Torres X has a more ambiguous take: “It’s like you get to enjoy your wings without the inconvenience of beautiful women all over the place.”

Hoots’ dull approach to uniforms underlines what the chain has in common with so many from the baby boomer era: Like a dad who trades in his zany ’80s sweaters for a North Face jacket, Hooters’ response to change has so far been to become a blander version of itself. If its “1980s Florida girl next door” look doesn’t fly anymore, it seems Hooters would rather not have a look at all.

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Original Source -> Hooters is closing restaurants. Is its offensive uniform to blame?

via The Conservative Brief