#ough my mental illnesses

[cryptidpandas]

here's my ramblings about the Hamato ninpo, specifically Leo's ninpo, and how it all relates to trust

spoilers for my fic, up to chapter 18

(Skip to the " ~~~~ " for the main point of my rambling)

When I first started writing the ideas I had for my fic, I knew from the start I didn't want Leo to have the ability to use his ninpo/portals. It's basically a road trip/adventure fic, so being able to use portals would kinda make everything too easy. Not much character growth if you can just teleport away from all your problems. (there's probably a deeper analysis there about Leo's signature ability being portals and how he deflects negative emotions and some sort of connection, but that's a different topic for a different day)

So, the next question was if Leo couldn't use his portals, how did he lose them in relation to the story?

The easy answer would be an incident with the Krang, just like in the movie. But, I also wanted Mikey and Donnie to be able to use their own ninpo, so it had to all be on Leo. ALSO, I didn't want too much focus to be on the Krang, since one of the main plot points is that the invasion didn't last very long, and wasn't too traumatic. (also that the government is actually the true villain)

I went back and rewatched the last few episodes of season 2, as well as the movie several times.

When the brothers unlock their ninpo, it's because Raph learns how to trust in his family. The line is literally "trust us, like we trust you". So, the basis of ninpo itself is the trust they have with each other.

In the movie, their ninpos become 'blocked', which could be seen as a metaphor for them losing trust in each other (Raph vs Leo, Donnie and Mikey not agreeing with Leo, but following along anyway, Leo not trusting in his brothers, etc. I could go WAY deeper into the movie analysis, but again, different topic for a different day). And while it's not directly stated in the movie, they all unlock their ninpo by Leo learning to listen, and trust, essentially, his brothers, and himself.

In the fic...they don't have the same situation with the Krang. Instead, they're put into a broken world with a more complex political situation.

When you're in an environment with constant trauma and no positive resources, you start to lose trust in yourself. Finding hope becomes harder and harder, especially when you're supposed to take care of others or be in charge/a leader.

The Krang apocalypse is basically the worst-case scenario: the world is literally being destroyed, and all life is being wiped out or Krang-ified. You either hold onto hope and keep fighting, or you die.

In an apocalypse like The Last of Us, or any zombie media (The Walking Dead, Z Nation, World War Z[the book], etc), most of the conflict is on a more intimate level. The zombies caused the collapse of comfortable, normal society, but it doesn't happen all at once, or on an even playing field. Some areas survive better than others, some pieces of society (like the government) sacrifice others to stay alive.

It's kinda the main difference between alien invasion movies and zombie movies. Aliens, while very bad, can unify everyone against them. Zombies, typically, bring out the worst in human nature/society.

~~~~~~~~~

By putting the Hamatos in a zombie infested world, they have to face the breakdown of society in a way that is the antithesis to TRUST.

You can't trust the government, you can't trust humans, who in turn can't trust mutants/yokai, and you can't trust that the person standing next to you isn't Infected and hiding it.

So, Leo loses his trust in himself, the world, and his family. And that breaks his ninpo. He can't trust anyone, so it's better to be alone and trust no one.

But, then he ends up taking care of Casey, and the two of them together, they being to heal. Leo has no choice but to start trusting in himself so he can protect and train Casey.

And then, he has to save Casey, and he needs his ninpo to do it.

When it comes to forgiveness and learning how to trust yourself again, it's not just saying "I'm sorry" over and over and over again, taking all of the blame for yourself. Guilt is not black and white. Yes, there are things that can be directly cause and effect, and apologizing for mistakes is important.

But living beings are full of mistakes, and make them constantly. The kindest, most genuinely good person you know, has made mistakes that they could be blamed for, and they will make mistakes again.

You will make mistakes that are technically your fault, and learning to live with that is just part of life.

Leo takes every mistake he's ever made and lets them drown him in guilt and shame, then creating a cycle where his lack of trust, care, and forgiveness for himself leads him to making more mistakes/poorer decisions.

The only way he's able to unlock/fix his ninpo is by acknowledging the fact that he can't just keeping saying "I'm sorry" or hold onto the guilt because he thinks he deserves it. The only way out is through, and part of it is accepting that mistakes will happen, and he will fuck up. But what matters is that he keeps trying to be better, and trust in himself that he can do it, and also trust in those around him who he cares for, and who care for him in return.

I almost did write a Good Will Hunting-ish scene of Leo nonstop apologizing, and Raph saying "it's not your fault", but....it's not that simple. Because there were things Leo could have done differently, but also........he was hurting...mentally, emotionally, and physically.

But, that also doesn't mean he's supposed to just let himself rot in the guilt of it all. There are ways to make amends, there's ways to be better, but also....he's a person, and people make mistakes.

Leo is, ultimately, a good person, and a hero. But he's flawed, because literally everyone else is, and being a good person/hero doesn't mean he won't make mistakes, and also shouldn't be held (or hold himself) to that standard.

There's a difference between knowingly hurting others and causing harm, and lashing out because you yourself are hurting.

~~~~~~~~

That's........pretty much everything in my head about that. I apologize for the repeated/redundant or scatterbrain arguments/ramblings, but also, my ADHD is strangling me and I don't have time to go through and edit this. Hopefully, it makes enough sense (just like Leo, I'm trying not to hold myself to impossible perfectionist standards akdsfdfsf. Practicing what I preach and all that)

Anyway, if you read this, ily and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

[stripeyworm]

your manic pixie dream girl and nightmare bad boy all in one I love binggeyuan sooo much. If I'm MIA, it's because I've fallen into quite the rabbit hole lately and going into hibernation!!

[kitamars]

in my ponykata feels rn

[glitter-alienz]

@idiot-mushroom idk if you remember this post but I do :3 and i had to draw something for it (also holy shit? ov donnie's colors and head-shape changed SO much since then wow)

[TMNTOV Masterpost]

[lemongogo]

can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3

[madame-mongoose]

I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

the thing is that Kintsugi Kid is a very good example of what the band has described as SO Much (For) Stardust's combination of nihilism and hope. and it's also a good example of the frickin... Dune litany against fear type thing of acknowledging a feeling ("I spent 10 years in a bitter chemical haze and I miss the way I felt nothing") and letting it exist instead of trying to A= get rid of it or B= suppress it and like... what does the litany thing say?? let it flow through you and then only you remain?? that thing. the song ends with Pete's youngest kid screeching in joy because she gets to be a rockstar on a song (I'm not kidding. look at the Genius note.) the whole album is basically a case in this, in saying... yeah. this is the honest truth about how I'm feeling. but it isn't the end.

[specialneedz]

stars and lightning / hold me tightly

(reblogs > likes)

[angelstrawbabie420]

ive got to go to school for something involving drugs and addiction it is the only interest ive had since i was a wee lil lad and im so passionate about it

[taxavoider]

guess who just saw the new tadc episode.

and guess who’s favorite character got a bunch of new lore delvopement

….guys…..i love kinger sm he makes me so sad

[the-kipsabian]

the glow up that'll haunt me till the day i die

[zcmbierabbit]

Sketch I didn't feel like polishing and doing something with (other than funky colours)

[runningatypufullspeed]

I am twitching so violentlu right nowdude I am so down bad for my own design of Mildred it’s not even funny

[counterspellthisyoucasual]

Depression truly is the relationship killer. Not just cause I sit here with no motivation to message anyone back, or to go out, but because the apathy and sorrow sometimes festers into irritation and anger and I lie on my bed and every message I receive makes me hate the world more, and every post that comes across my dash makes me want to unfollow that person. For why? No idea.

I hate this feeling in my chest, that it’s overshadowing my love and hope today, and isn’t that just a self cannibalising feeling?

I will message people tomorrow and apologise for curt and snarky responses but today I cannot stand it, today the idea of reaching out, of compromising, of being the one to initiate communication, it all makes me feel sick.

[strawberryona]

me giving all my s/is self harm scars on their thighs like my life depends on it

[gorgynei]

diversity win! founding member of the gorgynei was nonbinary!