#ough look at that Uldren

[a-driftamongopenstars]

still reflection; crow ficlet

inspired by this amazing art that i just can't stop thinking about. ough? introspective crow, mostly about fikrul, but also about identity and choices. also on ao3 tagging @anactualmoth as promised 👀 might not be quite what you expected but 😅 i had some thoughts

The bathroom is filled with translucent clouds of steam as Crow steps out of the shower stall. His skin has acquired a purplish tint, scrubbed clean and raw of the dark Ether. 

He brushes his hair back, running his palm down his neck. It does not hurt, yet the pressure is still there, a memory of Fikrul holding him. He believes deep down that Fikrul did not want to hurt him, simply couldn’t. He escaped by what one could only call an intervention by the Guardian. And even so, Crow wishes he could talk to Fikrul again. To make him see reason, to pull him over the thin line. Their bond has transcended all the laws of physics, for how else could it be when Uldren brought to life a dead thing.

Crow’s guts clench as he thinks of the Traveler, of himself, a dead thing.

He remembers his discussions with Fikrul. They were often lengthy, in-depth. They talked of the nature of things, of devotion, of dependance. Crow remembers his voice going hoarse from talking, the endless talking. Fikrul’s ever patient listening. His hoarse plea, “Father”.

Crow shakes his head and lets out a shaky breath.

Condensation drips down the tiles of the bathroom, reflecting what little light there is. The mirror above the sink is murky, and Crow brushes his fingertips across it, revealing a reflection of his eyes. Bright, golden, they stare at him, and for a moment it is the eyes of someone else.

Someone who was mad, who’s heart was mangled by the Darkness and compassion that could not find purchase. Who, for all intents and purposes, had good intentions, and with them paved the road to hell.

Crow blinks at his reflection.

“You did this,” he mutters. Yes, he tells himself. Look into your own eyes, don’t you dare looking away. 

He reminds himself he can fix it. He will try, again and again. This is something he and Uldren have in common. That streak of unhealthy stubbornness, a goal set in mind and heart - and the path towards it, per aspera ad astra.

Crow shakes his head, he reminds himself that he is Uldren. Where there were two, there is only one now, holding both memories close to heart and mind. Balancing between two truths. Memories connected with a fine web of light and darkness, promises and decisions.

Guilt is gut-wrenching, guilt is a knife. He avoids thinking about questions that are worth asking. Did he do this to Fikrul? Is this all his fault? Is this something he must pay a price for? Was one not enough?

Crow stares back into the mirror, the soft overlay of mist dissipating, letting him see more of himself despite the darkness. He feels exposed, even in this small bathroom, with four walls pressing around him. Crow feels stripped of his defences. The reflection of him is gaunt and melancholic. 

For a moment he hesitates, then reaches to where his hair is brushed back. He carefully moves it, allowing the strands that have slightly dried to fall over his eye. Familiar, unchanging. Still him. Someone that Fikrul wanted to see. Someone that he had to leave behind.

He looks at his reflection firmly. Pulls the hair back and away. Unobstructed, candid. Still him.

Crow feels the choices in his palm, laid out from the moment he wished Fikrul into the world of the living. His responsibility. His wayward child. He only hopes he would not have to end that particular wish in a pool of ether-touched blood.

[kelgorath]

i’ll always have a soft spot for crow’s old hair but man i love the new fade. it’s like now that he has closure with cayde, he’s finally able to leave uldren behind. he looks so much more confident now as hunter vanguard, he doesn’t try and hide behind anything or obstruct his face anymore. OUGH 🥺🥺🥺

[n7viper]

(1) person enabled me so I will do it

it's nothing really excessive, but I stumbled over this video in my server while I was looking for something else, and I just keep spinning it around on high speed

Memory of Uldren: Grief and loss are powerful forces. They wear you down, like rain on stone. Give them enough time, and they'll erode mountains. After the Awoken fleet was decimated at Saturn, I held onto hope that Mara had survived. But eventually, grief warped that hope into hatred. For everyone and everything. There are not excuses for what I did in those years. I know that. Just keep in mind that we all have reasons for the decisions we make. Even you.

For Mae to hear that from Uldren of all people? Oof. To hear that from the memory of someone she hunted like an animal when she was at her weakest? When she was so vulnerable and alone and completely unsure of how to cope with the grief of losing her best friend? Especially when, despite making huge strides to get back to herself, this season sets her back considerably?? To the point where Mihri has to dig her heels in and tell Mae that she won't let her do this to her again?? ("You don't get to do this to me again! You don't get to leave me and do this on your own!")

In my timeline of the season, Mae would deal with her nightmare last. So I could see this happening midway through the story, probably after Safiyah (because Ghaul is a bit of a non-issue for Mae - we've already dealt with him in Shadowkeep). She's struggling heavily, trying to shut everyone else out (again), trying to be strong for everyone else while being worn down by her own nightmare. And then trying to take a little break and hearing Uldren's memory say this to her would just... ough. I need to lay down for a sec.

She's just trying to sit and rest and attempt to take a quiet moment to herself in the HELM after arguing with Mihri (who finally storms off and leaves) when the specter comes over to her and says that. Her first instinct is to get defensive and bite back in a very "you just don't understand dad!!" fashion.

"You know nothing about my grief."

"No. But Crow wants to. Why don't you let him?"

someone stop me from making another season of the haunted post

[luna-light-eclipse]

Badge my beloved! Don’t know what you’re on about it’s perfect I love it.

Fun fact! This is the second time I’ve written something along the lines of everything goes wrong and you can’t fix it so I have experience! It’s also the form of angst that comes easiest to me. Mmmm tasty tasty inevitability.

No one wins here. Not the main character, not the enemy and not the ‘good guys’ which is what I think really makes something like this punch so hard. Wolf and Ghost are such tragic characters in canon that they’re the perfect subjects for this type of thing.

Also you are so right about phone typing being sucky for long form things. There’s a reason this took me so many hours. But ough I just couldn’t stop. And here I am, phone typing once more. I��m still rotating this AU in my brain in all its miserable glory. Makes me remember why I started writing and I really needed that recently so thanks.

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@screaming-for-eternally

I’m doing it this way so I can minimise scrolling through long posts on my blog hope that’s ok-

Yes! Crow! I genuinely can’t believe I forgot to add him the first time because something about the opposition to his story when compared to the canon (in this version he’d be instead the person who was killed by the former hero went mad instead of hated for killing someone they care about-) The fact that he was in a unique position to clear Wolfs name is just mmmm icing on the cake.

Cayde totally prefers house light to the tower- it doubly helps that after Lakshmi’s very public, very gruesome execution (wolf made it dramatic to pull all the negative focus onto them- adding more onto them having given up on returning! Ouch) the Eliksni are kinda grateful towards wolf. Not that any of them ever bring it up to the humans but open secret and all that.

-

I’ve also been shaking more thoughts out of my brain for the past few hours so have this:

-Picture vanguard and allies returning to the tower unharmed and with wolfs body. And having to explain what happened. And telling Cayde about how wolf died, that they were calling his name and how they didn’t want to die and that at some point wolf had believed that they had wanted to die.

-Cayde being so utterly devastated. Exo’s may be unable to physically cry but you can hear it, all of the stress and loathing that had built up over the years being released in the form of all encompassing grief. The once carefree hunter vanguard now knelt on the ground with wolf in his arms wailing in loss and much like those who had watched wolfs death no one could comfort him because it was their fault and nothing was going to be ok.

-They look for wolfs ship and find Sundance tucked away safely into a box. Wolf had picked her up on the way to Cayde and never been able to return her to him. The ghost shell has been cleaned and it’s the only thing that’s been maintained in the ship.

-Wolf never knew if Cayde woke up

-Eido bugs Cayde for stories about wolf and it puts everyone on edge since Cayde’s been quiet and gloomy since wolfs body had been brought back and most of the anger had drained from him. Eventually he relents though because Eido is just too nice not to. She loves hearing about wolfs exploits and carefully records all of it so it can’t be forgotten.

-If Crow had accepted Uldrens memories the vanguard would have been too horrified to be angry at him. (Also Crows horror at his own actions was telling enough that they weren’t the same person anymore, neither Zavala nor Ikora could go through what they did to wolf a second time).

-Xur will say comforting words to wolf if they find him that week. The nine allow this, not because they care they just see no reason to stop it. Whether or not wolf actually hears what’s being said to them is debatable. It’s the thought that counts though.

-Wolf suffers audial and visual hallucinations. Do with that what you will.

-Ghost misses being held, they don’t push the subject though.

-Zavala attempts to apologise to Cayde. He gets punched for his efforts, Cayde tells him that Zavala ‘doesn’t deserve to soothe his own bruised ego’.

-The Eliksni sneak Cayde out afterwards at some point so he can get away from the increasing looks of pity, now for ‘how terrible it must have been to have no one believe anything you say’ hypocrites. Cayde now really hates being pitied. He’s happy to finally see a forest (and to also be away from people).

-The only reason wolf didn’t kill themselves (permanently) was because they cared too much about ghost to hurt them. There is just so much love in this gaurdian it’s so sad.

-Not even Savathun predicted this.

I feel mildly bad about not answering those asks yet BUT I've been really busy so I'm just gonna leave some old drabbles and other stuff I've collected here

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"There is nothing in any vex simulation or psion prediction that could keep me from being a thorn in the side of existence"

-YW, after coming back from the dead, in some probable AU I'll never write

---

“I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. But, I’ll be fine, you can-” They hug him tighter as he starts to push away from them.

…They aren’t letting him go, are they?

“...Guardian,” he warns, “Put me down. Now.”

They only let out a garbled hum in response, perfectly happy to squeeze the life out of him.

“We do not have time for this- I will stab you, let-”

“You and what army, old man?” Even through the layers of harsh static, the smug edge to the Young Wolf’s voice was abundantly clear to anyone listening. They were as infuriating and stubborn as ever.

And Saint and that flamboyant Cloudstrider were not helping.

“We- We have work to do, you can show your affections later- Saint! Stop laughing!”

---

Crow: Why does The Guardian call you babygirl?

Sam Moleyn: how about we stop talking for awhile

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Ann, banging on the door: Guys! I need you to hide me! Noble, ushering her in: Ann, what happened?! Ann: G! I spilled bleach on their cloak- Noble, pushing her back out: Not a chance. You’re on your own. Ann: Wait- They’ll kill me-! Noble, slamming the door: Goodbye.

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Wolf: STOP IT Wolf: STOP TALKING ABOUT BEING POSSESSED Ghost: i’m free real estate Wolf: YOU ARE NOT FREE REAL ESTATE-

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Crow: How do I get revenge? Ann: I am legally obliged to tell you ‘forgiveness’. Crow: Guardian, how do I get revenge? Ruin, “Godslayer”: I am also legally obliged to say ‘forgiveness’, but you- Noble, putting his hand over their mouth: I’m gonna stop you right there.

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ALSO SOME LORE

Wolf is canonically a little shit but also terrifying. You love to see it

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Ann: Let’s apologize on the count of 3. Phyra: I didn’t do anythin- Ann: 1… 2… 3. Phyra: Ann: Ann: see, now I’m just disappointed in both of us Phyra: intense glaring

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"In the Age of Triumph, in the final battle, when the light began to wane, one stood. Burned by the embers of Armageddon, their soul blistered by the fires of hell and tainted beyond redemption, they choose the path of perpetual torment. In their ravenous hatred, they found no peace; and with fiery conviction, they scoured the Ascendant realms, seeking vengeance against the dark Disciples who wronged them. They wore the crown of the Iron Lords, and those that tasted the bite of their sword named them... The Young Wolf."

i don't know what i was on for this one, but I rediscover it every once in awhile and alter it a bit

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"He's all they've been thinking about, but he's going to have to get used to their absence. The flat will be quiet. The Tower, normal... Their bed, empty.

It's how things must be.

Things could be different in another life, perhaps.

But not this one.

They have to go, one day soon."

-on Crow-YW angst about Wolf's predicted death.