#other fics with bf is like same height right now

[dracomeir]

To be honest, idk if I’ll ever write my bf x pico fic and the sequel to it where Pico is a detective, and bf is his emotional support demon who also happens to be an incubus. (And no. There isn’t going to be any fun times if I ever write them even though I have them set as my only 18+ fics on my list. This ace boy going to stick with suggestive only.)

Reason why I don’t think I will write these stories is because I know I’ll end up triggering myself. It was going to be a slow burn narrative with Pico realizing BF never used magic to make him fall in love before they broke up a few years ago, him losing something important when he saves BF from an arch demon, and his journey through depression after losing said thing. These gays don’t get together until the end of the first story. The sequel would be where they tease each other way more, and the ginger is back to his confident self before shit hits the fan in the first story. It was also going to be where BF finally gains enough power to become an arch demon himself. (This is as spoiler free as I can make it.)

But, but also, I wanted bottom Pico content which is why I made this AU in the first place, and BF is an annoying bastard who tries to turn everything Pico says into something dirty, and this dumb incubus also plays saxophone to create BGM for everything the ginger does, and he also knows what to say to make him shut up in embarrassment, and makes him question if he isn’t a top after all, and, and, um�� Despite all this, BF doesn’t try to get together with him until everything is sorted out. He wants Pico to fully trust him again, and one wrong move can cause the ginger to think he’s using demonic magic to influence him.

Anyway, I don’t have the mental will to do something this dark right now. I think I’ll try to rework this AU where depression isn’t much of a factor, but I feel like the story won’t hit as hard if I did. We’ll see how I feel once I write most of my other stories on my long ass list.

[gemini-writes]

The One That Got away

Genre: angst

Character: Bokuto Koutarou

Reader: female

Request: none

Warnings: teen? pregnancy(19), absent father!bokuto, reader has past experience with absent father

Part: 1/??

Prompt: the day he left, just happened to be the same day you found out you were pregnant, unbeknownst to him. What happens when he shows up at your doorstep 5 years and some change later?

Word Count: 1,706

A/N: if you know me, you know I thrive on angst so here is a fic I’ve been thinking about lately!

Taglist: @ceo-of-daichi

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Waking up to an empty bed was not something new to you. The feeling of your queen sized bed, one side covered with pillows of all shapes and sizes to accommodate the lack of weight you once felt there.

You look over to the clock on your bed side table, reading the time: 08:37. Roughly three and a half hours until people start arriving for your son’s fifth birthday party.

Sitting up in your bed, you take a deep breathe to push yourself to make it through the day. You loved your son more than yourself but every now and then, you’ll wake up with a reminder of who his father is. Feeling a pain in your heart that only happens when you think of him.

Getting ready for the day in a nice sundress with your hair pulled back and away from your face, you woke up your son and continued to get him ready along with you. The volleyball themed things you bought sitting in the closet as your best friend since high school and roommate helps set up everything.

“Are you excited bud?” You ask your son with a smile.

“I am, Mommy! I can’t wait for my friends to get here!” He responded with a bigger smile than yours.

Your son, Kaori’s, friends came over one by one along with their parents. The sight of their happy marriages causing you to use your best masked smile.

Finally all of his friends were here as you began the party outside. The festivities you had spent hours planning and making were put to well use. Finally it was time for pizza.

As you went inside, you heard a hesitant knock on the door. Thinking that everyone had made their way here already, you hesitate as you walk towards the door and peek outside the window. Oh no.

Opening the door slowly you go wide eyed at the sight of white hair with black roots styled in a way that resembles a horned owl.

“(Y/N)! Looks like I found the right place!” His smile as wide as ever.

“B-Bokuto?” You felt your heart beat speed up at the sound of his voice, somewhat not believing it was him until he spoke.

“Yeah! It hasn’t been that long has it? You haven’t forgotten all about me have you?” His smile falls only slightly as he looks behind you and through the door.

“What are you doing here?” You close the door only slightly once you realise hes looking inside in hopes of coming in. “You shouldn’t be here.”

His smile fades all the way at your words. “(Y/N), can I come in? I’d really like to talk to you...”

You sighed and was about to speak before your son’s voice beat you to it. “Mommy! What’s taking so long? I’m hungry!” He walks up right behind you and tugs on the back of your dress as he looks outside with you and opens the door a bit wider.

“Mommy?” Bokuto’s eyes travel to the voice who spoke only moments ago and sees the small child standing behind you and looks back at you as an explanation.

“Bokuto I-“ you were cut off by Bokuto as he kneels down to your son’s height to let him know he’s not a threat and asks him a question that could determine how this all went down. “How old are you, little man?”

Kaori doesn’t miss a beat and holds up his hand promptly, his hand open to show the number five as he speaks. “I turned five today!” He smiles and looks to you for permission to step closer to the man.

You kneel and look to Kaori. “Why don’t you go get (aunt/uncle) (bf/n) to help with the pizza while I talk to this man. Can you do that for me?”

Kaori nods and runs off, grabbing your bestfriend since high school and getting their help to carry on the party.

You turn back to Bokuto and stands. He looks to you with concerned eyes. “He’s 5?”

You nod and hum. “Today’s his birthday. That’s why today isn’t a good day for you to come in.” You rest your hand on the door as a sign that you want to end this conversation quickly.

He pressed his hand softly on the door desperately. “Is he-“ he can’t even finish his question at the thought, but you know what he’s asking.

You look down at your feet and nod. “He’s yours...” guilt rushes over and as tears begin to well in your eyes.

You can hear his breath get caught in his throat, eyes beginning to tear up as well. He’s still looking to you with sad eyes for some kind of explanation. But you don’t give him what he wants.

“Look, you didn’t want me. That also meant you didn’t want him. I wasn’t going to tell you if you were going to pick volleyball over the both of us anyways.” You sigh shakily and keeps looking down, not trusting your tears if you looked at him.

“That’s not fair. I did want you. I wanted you so much. I just-“ you cut him off.

“No you didn’t. And you made that very clear when you left me to play Volleyball.”

“I didn’t leave you to play volleyball. I just couldn’t give you what you deserved! I wanted you to meet someone new. Someone who could take care of you!” He cries softly.

“That’s the problem! I didn’t want to find someone new! I didn’t want you to leave but you did! You left and I was all alone.” The crack in your voice mixed with the confession made Bokuto’s heart break more than what it already had. He walked closer and immediately pulled you into a hug, knowing all you needed was to be comforted. To know he was there.

You cry into his shoulder as you grip his shirt, half of you wanting to stay like this forever and the other wanting to push him away and slam the door in his face.

You chose to stay in his arms, missing the warmth and comfort he used to provide you. Head buried in his chest as your tears flowed softly, mumbling quietly.

“I missed you everyday. I missed feeling you, talking to you, connecting with you.”

He rubs your back and shushes you softly. “I know. I know and I’m sorry...”

At that, you pulled away and wiped your tears, sniffling softly before straightening out your dress.

“You should go.” You hug yourself, arms wrapped around your middle to comfort yourself.

“(Y/N)... please don’t do this. I would’ve stayed if you would’ve told me!”

“No. I didn’t tell you because I know you would’ve stayed. I know you would’ve given up everything you worked for. Given up the sole reason you left me. I wasn’t going to be the one to make you stay and give up what you’ve been working your whole life towards.” Another sniffle comes from you as you finally look at his face.

He spoke up again. “I’m sorry for leaving you all those years ago. I shouldn’t have. Especially because I never stopped loving you.”

“Why should I believe you? You left and I barely heard a word from you sense then. You moved on and left me in the past.” The bubble in your throat is an indicator that if you don’t stop talking, you’ll cry again. And that’s one thing you won’t allow. Not for him.

“Because every night I had trouble sleeping. Why? Because you weren’t there. Everyday I had to force myself out of bed. Why? Because you weren’t there to provide the smile that kept me going. (Y/N), you know I love you. You know I didn’t want to leave. No matter how much you hate me, you know that’s the truth.” He gives you a look as if to quietly ask if his suspicions were true. He really did love and miss you. His words were nothing but the truth.

“Bokuto...” you sniffle yet again. “I missed you everyday too. But you never called, you never texted. No matter how many times I called, it was always your voicemail. I wanted to tell you, trust me. But I knew the second I did, you’d be on the first plane back here.”

“And I would have happily stayed with you if I had known. Do you know how bad this hurts? To know that I’ve had a son for 5 years and haven’t met him? Didn’t even know he existed until today?” His lip quivers. “You know how much I wanted to build a family with you. But I knew I wouldn’t have been able to take care of you, him and volleyball. If I could go back in time and take it all back, never leave, I would. But I can’t and it’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

You now have tears falling down your face again. “I know you wanted a family but I assumed you didn’t want one with me. All of my plans that had you in them were thrown out the window when you left. Never expected you to come back. You have to understand that...”

“I do and I’m sorry that I left you like that. I just thought that you deserved better and to find someone who could give you their all. But I want you back. At least back in my life if not back in a relationship.” He looks to you hopefully.

“I don’t know, Bokuto. I’ve been without you for so long that I wouldn’t know where to start.” Wiping your eyes, you hum. “I can’t promise to let you back in my life, but I will let you meet him. Officially...”

He looks to you with wide eyes. “Really? You’d let me do that?”

“You can. But I can’t promise he’ll easily understand why you weren’t here.”

“We’ll figure it out. Please... I want to meet my son.” His voice finally went back to normal at the plea to get to know his own flesh and blood for the first time.

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[theradicalace]

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

i see you talk about those funny kids from fnf (talk about lotsa characters itll be fun im interested)

"lotsa characters" you say 👀? alright, you asked for it /lh

this is gonna be decently long, cause it'll be a mix of headcanons (in bold) and other nonsense

so let's start with my personal favorite: pico (my beloved)!

-this orange haired man has rotted my brain entirely.

-oh my GOD i just want him to be happy

-canonically schizophrenic which i actually didn't know until now

-he's totally at least partially latino and can speak spanish change my mind

-he/it pico lives in my head rent free

-he can actually sing really well but usually doesn't around people

-secretly a massive theater kid but shh don't tell anyone he has a reputation to uphold

-taller than blake (bf), the same height as nene, NOT taller than gabby (gf) and darnell

-didn't formally graduate high school for obvious reasons but he did get his GED

-IN A HAPPY POLYAM RELATIONSHIP WITH BLAKE AND GABBY SHH THIS ONE'S CANON IN MY HEART

-they encouraged him to go to therapy

-learned sign language for blake the first time they dated

-taught sign language to gabby

-i think he's genuinely a very responsible gun owner. i normally don't like people who open carry in public but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much this time

-he canonically would have majored in computer science if he went to college i hate that he was robbed of the opportunity

-he goes back to college after he starts dating blake and gabby, at their encouragement

-he graduates top of his class

-he picks up ukelele as a hobby while he's in college because i think it suits him

-canonically wants to be a dj

-successfully becomes a dj as a side gig after graduation

-I SO DESPERATELY WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY

alright this post is gonna literally only be about pico if i don't stop so let's move on

the little beep bop man himself, boyfriend! (i call him blake):

-canonically bi we love that for him

-i know that his name has pretty much been confirmed to literally just be boyfriend but i refuse, i cannot call him that

-for some reason i seem to be the only one who wasn't surprised to find out he was 19

-a lot of people seem to think he was like 15?? i don't see it

-his concept art originally had bright pink hair what a king

-half japanese

-i accept the "miku is his sister" bit as canon it's just cool and fun okay

-the blue hair runs in the family

-he's CONFIRMED to be autistic and adhd i just found out i thought that was just a headcanon of mine but it turn out that i'm right as i always should be

-frequently nonverbal, communicates a lot with sign language

-japanese is his first language

-he learned spanish for pico bc it's pico's first language and LOOK im a sucker for "person learns their partner's first language for them"

-trans (but everyone knew i headcanoned this right? how could i not)

-he's actually the one who broke up with pico the first time around bc fuck those boring ass "pico breaks up with bf to keep him safe/bc he thinks he's not good enough/doesn't deserve him/whatever" hcs and fics, those are boring

-breaking up with pico was hard on him, but he did it because he recognized that pico was not ready for a relationship emotionally with regards to his trauma and everything, and staying would only hurt them both

-he was right, but that didn't make it any easier

-is him being a college dropout canon? i dont remember if that was canon or not

-i think his parents are probably not bad people, but they're the kind of parents who let work come before their kid. they were there, but not really THERE. trying to win him over with gifts and stuff when he just wants to spend time with him

-but they turn themselves around when he gets older and they realize "oh shit we actually weren't there for most of our son's life"

-it doesn't fix everything, obviously, but they put a sincere effort in and adult blake has a much better relationship with his parents than he did when he was younger

-hm maybe i'm projecting my own desires a bit with that last one haha what i didn't say anything

anyway

girlfriend! (i call her gabby):

-once again, it seems like a bunch of people thought she was younger than she is and i don't get it

-lost her SHIT when she found out that blake and miku are siblings

-she's a huge miku fan

-she tried to learn sign language on her own, but really struggled with it until she started getting lessons from pico

-she once dyed her hair blue to match with blake

-most people assume she's the fashionista of the poly trio, but she literally just wears her mom's clothes, shes not the fashionista

-she's also not the "brains of the relationship" like many people seem to think. that's just weird creepy language that i reject.

-SHE'S NOT MANIPULATING BLAKE FUCK OFF

-blake was her first partner, and she knows so little about being human, so when things got... let's say intimate for tumblr's sake, between them she needed a lot of guidance on what was good, what was painful, what walked the fine line inbetween, etc

-i mean, you should having those conversations and communication with your partner about intimacy regardless but especially when they're a demon who's never dated a human

-even outside of the bedroom, blake has taught her a lot about being human, and really helped her grow as a person

-it's growth she COULD have done by herself, sure, but it's a lot easier and faster when someone's helping you through it

-SHE IS ALSO CONFIRMED AUTISTIC AND ADHD EVERYONE SAY THANK YOU PHANTOMARCADE

-her parents homeschooled her

SPEAKING of her parents

the dearests! (i don't have names for them lol):

-lumping them together because i really only have one thing for them and that's that

-they're really not bad people either. they love their daughter to bits, and if they had someone to guide and teach them the way blake did to gabby, they would absolutely come around. they honestly think they're doing what's best for her. obviously this doesn't make it RIGHT, but they do say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

okay moving on

the spooky kids, skid and pump!:

-i'll be real i don't know much about them or their source material

-i just think they're cute

-they stay on good terms with blake and gabby after their appearance in week 2

anyway

senpai, our favorite slender bishonen ;) (i call him seth!):

-HE'S NOT DEAD FUCK YOU

-canonically an entirely different character from spirit, which is good, because idk fuck all abt spirit

-i want him out of that video game right now

-when i tell you this guy gives me such "gay and homophobic" vibes...

-he's also trans

-i accept "monika is his sister" as canon in my heart

and rounding off with...

tankman!:

-i dont know anything about tankman. literally zero.

-HOWEVER.

-he has this line of dialogue

-which implies that he either dyes his hair or at least used to, and has gotten hair dye in his eyes

-i love that for him

-also he's canonically asexual. king.

-like yeah the tweet that confirms it is a little bit mocking but confirmed representation is confirmed representation.

-okay i like tankdad a little bit

-i saw a really good tankdad fic with him apologizing to pico about the school shooting comment because that was genuinely fucked up

-look i just want pico to have a father figure of some sort because his actual (unnamed) father is implied to be a shitty dude who doesnt love him and

-dammit, i'm talking about pico again

-i went back like 6 times to add more stuff to the pico part of this post and now i can't even keep it contained to one section

[soaronmywings]

Magical (Rane Quinn x Reader)

Y/BF/N= Your Best Friend’s Name (I put this in there bc I'm not a fan of reading fics with people's names that I don't even know) Warnings: Swearing, drinking, horrible pickup lines, smutty smut smut, Unprotected Sex

Y/BF/N dragged you to one of these popular SAMCRO parties, you weren't one to go out and party. You don't even know why you agreed, you weren't fat but you sure as hell weren't one of these skinny bitches rubbing all over the men in leathers. You had a little chub, and it made you a little insecure. Why Y/BF/N decided to drag you of all people to a huge party with alcohol and hookers? So there you sat, at the bar on a stool nursing a beer watching as your friend was grinding against a cute Puerto Rican with a mohawk, she at least had a decent taste. She was wasted as he pulled her down the hallway around the corner, well both of them were wasted if you were going to be honest. You barely even noticed the massive, blonde man sit down next to you. “I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met. I would remember a pretty face like that.” You could hear the cheeky smile in his voice as he spoke. You looked up at the unknown man that just sat down next to you and rather poorly tried to flirt. He was hot, built and heavily tattooed. “My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with their money?” He asked you a grin plastered all over his face. You couldn't help but laugh. “Was it that bad?” He laughed as he leaned into you more to try and tune out the loud music. “I'm Quinn.” He stuck out his hand for you to shake. “Y/N.” You smiled as you shook his hand. “Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” He winked at you before waving over the girl behind the counter to order you two a round of shots. ** You and Quinn downed yet another shot, you were pretty tipsy but Quinn seeming to hold his liquor was still cracking horrible pickup lines. The thing is the moment you saw his green eyes you were instantly interested, wanting to know more. You didn't need the cheesy pickup lines, but they were adorable so you let him keep going. “Are you a magician?” He asked you a smile forming on his face. For such a big tough guy, he acted pretty childish, it was part of his charm. You shook your head. “Nope.” You popped the ‘p’ before taking a sip of whiskey. “Because whenever I look at you everyone else disappears.” And it was true. When the two of you talked everyone else disappeared, the music drowned out and it was great. You smiled into your drink before putting it down on the bar top. Never have you been with someone that made you feel like this. Everyone treated you like shit, or just tried to get in your pants. Quinn was different. So you did what your gut was telling you, ignoring everything your brain was warning you not to do and went in for a kiss. You pressed your lips to his and to your surprise he kissed you back, his hand wrapping around your head with his fingers lacing through your hair. You were going to go out of your comfort zone tonight. You were going to let your heart take you wherever it planned on taking you. You clutched the patches on his leather cut as the two of you kissed, and you had to say that it was magical, no pun intended. The two of you pulled away gasping for air. His large hand took your small one and led you down the same hallway that your friend just hours ago was walking down, maneuvering through people left and right. You reached a door that looked the same as all the others and he opened it with his free hand, letting you go through first. It was a simple room with a bed, desk bathroom, and pin up posters, nothing much to it. He closed and locked the door before taking your face into his hands and kissing you again, this time with more heat. The height difference between the two of you make this extremely difficult, you pulling down on his neck and him lifting you up. You end up with your back pressed against the wall with your legs wrapped around his torso as he kisses and nibbles at your neck. Quinn shrugged off his kutte as you began to lift up his shirt, feeling just how toned he is and god was it turning you on. He pulled back just enough for you to take off his shirt and fling it across the room before latching onto your lips. You tugged on his hair, deepening the kiss, which caused a moan to rise out of his throat. “Are you sure you want to?” He panted looking directly into your eyes. You nodded. “Absolutely.” You responded with a smile on your face. That was the response he needed. He carried you over to the bed, setting you on the ground and turning you around to take your dress off. As he unzipped your dressed he kissed down your back as soon as new skin was exposed, his facial hair sending chills down your spine. Quinn pushed the straps of your dress off, letting you step out of your dress leaving you in nothing but your lacy black panties. You turned around and pressed a kiss to his lips as you undid his belt, pulling it out of the loops of his jeans. In all honesty, you were nervous as hell. You've been on a dry spell for months and this hottie was going to break it? Right now? You shook the doubts out of your head and continued, unbuttoning his jeans and letting them fall to the ground. That's when the animal in him took over. Quinn pushes you onto the bed into a laying position before yanking off your panties leaving you completely exposed. You watched him as he took off his boxers at an agonizingly slow pace. “Oh please, just fuck me already.” You didn't realize just how whiny you sounded until the words came out of your mouth. He ignored your begs and continued to slowly take them off. You watched as his erection stood up proudly in front of you and you bit your lip at the size of him. “Tell me you want this.” He growled in your ear. You grabbed a lock of his blonde hair and pulled him down to you. “I want this. I want you Quinn.” You purred in his ear before kissing behind his ear. Quinn pulled you to the edge of the bed, where your ass was hanging off slightly. He took both of your ankles into one hand lifting you up slightly giving him easier access to your dripping core. He carefully slid into you, and you moaned loudly. Slowly he began to rock, setting a torturously slow pace. “I think I'm going to take my time. I like watching you squirm underneath me when I do.” His voice was low and turned you on even more. You wanted to wrap your legs around his waist and take all of him in, but he was constricting you of doing so by holding your ankles tightly. “Please-  Faster.” You couldn't even form words. This man knew just how to set you over the edge. Quinn let go of your legs, letting you wrap them around him and fill you all the way up. He lifted your body up, still inside you and moved you to the top of the bed before releasing you. He thrusted fast and hard, causing you to moan embarrassingly loud. He began a rough pace, thrust after thrust hitting your g-spot perfectly. “I'm going to make you come until you can't breath.” He moaned in between thrusts. He was enjoying this just as much as you were. Quinn wrapped a hand around your throat and leaned down taking one of your exposed breasts into his mouth. Everything at once set you over the edge. You clenched around him and squeezed your eyes shut as your orgasm inched closer. He moved his free hand down and rubbed your clit, which caused your orgasm to let loose, and you gasped for breath. Quinn let go of your throats and place kisses up your neck before pulling out and rolling over next to you on the bed. A smile grew on your face as you kissed his neck, sucking lightly leaving a trail of hickeys. “No no, I'm not done with you just yet.. It's my turn to make you come.” You winked up at him as you climbed up on top of him. You slowly slid down on his length and began to ride him. He grabbed your hips and began setting a faster pace, meeting you with hard thrusts. “Oh Quinn.” You moaned loudly. He watched as your perfect breasts bounced with each thrust. “Say my name- Louder” he groaned closing his eyes. He grabbed your ass as he thrusted into you harshly. “Quinn!” You almost yelled. He let go, coming inside you as he say up pressing kisses to your collarbone and neck and you intertwined your fingers in his hair holding him there. You both stayed in the same position for what seemed like forever, him placing tender kisses all over your chest and you played with his hair. You decided to get up and go take a shower in the bathroom the just so happened to be in the same room- thank god. “Round three?” You winked at him as you beckoned for him to follow you, wiggling your ass as you did so.

[sundimus]

2, 10, 12, 13 with Karabita?

omg my first ever ososan ask,,, im gonna cry ljkafsdjklafsdkjlsd 🥺🥺🥺 2. Who giggles uncontrollably when the other playfully picks them up? When they’re playing with each other Chibita will jokingly tell Karamatsu to put him down, which Kara will refuse and will pepper his LOVE with kisses. However when Chibita picks him up Karamatsu will end up getting extremely flustered cause bf,,, stronk,,, hansom,,,

10. What is a small thing that one another does to make their partner happy? Whenever Karamatsu writes his songs and asks Chibita for his input on some of them it makes Chibita feel surprisingly happy. He’s glad to know that Karamatsu cares about his opinions so much (which he’s always known honestly, Karamatsu cares about everything so much), especially so when it comes to something as personal to Kara as his song writing. For Karamatsu, it’s actually pretty easy for Chibita to make him feel happy tbh. He loves anything Chibita does, but if he had to think about it, one thing that warms his heart massively is how Chibita treats his oden around him. Sometimes when it’s just Kara at the oden cart he’ll give him his own personalized oden plate decorated with Kara’s likeness, and other times whenever he comes to the oden cart with his brothers, Chibita will make it obvious just how much he favors Karamatsu - whether it be giving him a bigger serving compared to the others, or giving him extra servings, or the fact that he hasn’t made Kara pay him for the food for months now (even before they started dating.) He knows his brothers don’t really mind even if they grumble about it, just perks of having an oden chef bf, but it secretly makes Karamatsu feel special knowing that he’s treated slightly different and better than his brothers by the one who owns his heart. 12. When did they know that loved each other, and when did they first tell each other that they loved one another? HHHHHH THIS COULD BE AN ENTIRE FIC ON ITS OWN I guess if I had to put it in a canon episode setting, it would be during the (really short) time that Karamatsu lived with Chibita in his apartment. They’d slowly get settled in a domestic life together, and instead of Karamatsu going back home when his brothers did he would realize that he want to stay with Chibita. His initial explanations to himself would be that they have a good routine going, and that he need to fly away from his family’s nest eventually, and that he still thinks he can be useful to Chibita in some ways in return for his kindness in taking him in. It’s only when he really thinks about it late at night that he realizes he’s in love with Chibita. Chibita has loved Karamatsu for a while now, way before Kara moved in with him too, so he has gotten used to his feelings by now but he’s never had the courage to act on it. At least, not until Karamatsu reveals to him one night that his brothers are returning home and the unspoken knowledge that Karamatsu is expected to do the same hangs in the air between them. Chibita would ask him not to go, and he figures “fuck it” and confesses to Karamatsu right then and there because this is as good a time as any to do so. and Karamatsu cries bc he’s a happy crybaby and he tells Chibita he feels the same, and Chibita laughs while telling him to stop crying and kisses him, which makes Karamatsu cry even more. 13. Who likes to give the other hugs from behind followed by a kiss? KARAMATSU. Well, their height difference makes it so Karamatsu has to lean down really far to do it, but he’s ROMANTIC and he’s GONNA DO IT and so he DOES. But he mostly does it when Chibita’s working at his oden stand and is standing on his stool so Karamatsu has an easier time kissing his cheeks that way. Send me some OTP questions!

[dancinglifeboat]

Sign Language Coder Bfs Fanfic Part 2

Title: Sign me Your Love (which is what I’ll be signing it from now on!)

Pairing: Coder Boyfriends! (Leif x Tobin)

Post Canon (But max wasn’t fired in this fic bc I make my own rules)

Chapter 1: 

https://dancinglifeboat.tumblr.com/post/622574506020601856/sign-language-coder-boyfriends-fanfic

Chapter 2/?

The One in Which Abigail and Tobin Run the Office Gossip Mill

5 days to launch

Fast forward a few months and Leif thought he was ready. He had been steadily ignoring what he could of Tobin’s signing so that he could fully understand instead of picking up bits and pieces. The launch of the Chirp was at the end of this week, meaning when he dropped that bomb that he now knew sign language after a week of Tobin thinking everything he had signed was beyond Leif’s understanding at the launch party, it would be a very satisfying double victory.

Leif left the apartment earlier than Tobin did; as usual. He spent the bus ride to work only half-listening to his Dracula Audiobook. (He had it close to memorized at this point anyway) He got off at his usual stop, near his and Tobin’s favourite coffee shop. They had discovered that Max and Zoey frequented that same one; but they were easily able to avoid them. Neither Zoey nor Max were blessed with the “Morning Person” gift that Leif and Tobin had. Plus he had overheard them talking about scouting out a new place- so he assumed that he wouldn’t have to worry about running into them. He gave the barista Autumn his and Tobin’s usual order, who seemed cheerier than usual as she wrote on his cup in swirly writing. He didn’t ask- but if he had he would have found out that the reason was that she had gone stargazing the night before with her new boyfriend, who would be picking her up after her shift to go out to lunch with and meet her parents. The service was quick, as usual, and soon he was out the door and in the elevator at Sparkpoint. He dropped off the coffee at Tobin’s desk, who in favour chucked a yogurt at him, assuming (correctly) that Leif had once again forgotten to eat breakfast this morning. Leif lowered his desk from the standing position to a height more suitable for sitting and pulled out his swivel chair before snatching a spoon from the fruit bar and starting into both the yogurt (it was strawberry, one of his favourites) and one of the many last-minute coding issues with the chirp.

A few hours later, Leif swiveled in his chair in time to see Abigail return from her lunch break. He bit back a small grin as he watched her throw a sneaky glance at Tobin’s desk before whipping out a paper airplane and throwing it at him while Zoe wasn’t watching. Leif almost rolled his eyes when it bounced off Tobin’s head, who started and nearly dropped his fidget spinner before spinning to face Abigail with an equally mischievous looking face. Leif had to question if they really thought they were being or if they were just messing around for the fun of it.

Leif had been keeping an eye on Tobin all morning- and it had yet to yield much he didn’t know. Other than that Tobin knew far too many vine references than what was normal. And that any insults he did sign were far more juvenile and kind than he let on. Leif didn’t know why he found that surprising- Tobin was both the most intelligent and most stupid person Leif had ever met, but he wasn’t mean, at least not intentionally. So far “Mrs. Frizzle” was the most insulting thing he had signed that day, and admittedly Zoey’s sweater had been a bit...unorthodox that day.

But this had been what he had been waiting for, Tobin and Abigail's daily gossip session. They had hit it off when Abigail first came to visit- and now that Abigail was interning at Sparkpoint and they were seeing each other on a near daily basis, they had more or less become the prank duo of the floor. (Rip to all of Zoey’s pens) Luckily, as Tobins “BFF” Leif rarely found himself on the pranking side of their escapades. At least that was the excuse Tobin gave; Leif suspected it was because he, as Tobin’s roommate, had a great vantage point for revenge pranking.

Leif finished a line of code before subtly settling himself in to watch, if all went well, he could get some excellent blackmail material out of this.

-------------------------------perspective change *lightning noises*------------------------------------------

Tobin started off by melodramatically holding up the offending airplane;

“Lose something?” He dunked it into his trashcan and paused for effect before continuing, “I mean of course, something other than your fashion sense?” He jokingly raised a judgemental eyebrow,

“Says the one wearing his e-girl wannabe hoodie for the third time this week” She snarked right back, grinning as Tobin mimicked gasping in mock offense before also breaking into a smile. Greetings out of the way, she moved on. “Any updates?” Tobin rolled his eyes,

“Unfortunately Zoey is still oblivious as ever; she needs to step it up- I’ve got 10 bucks on them getting together before the launch” Abigail pulled a candy bar out of her purse and took a bite out of it.

“And Max? Any progress on his end?”

“He used a truly awful pickup line on her this morning, and that’s Me saying that. Luckily for his dignity and unluckily for my 10 bucks she didn’t even seem to notice.”

“Good Grief”

“I know! They’re so oblivious! At this point I might have to intervene!”

“Please do, it would be hilarious to see you butcher being match-maker.” She signed, biting off another chunk of the candy bar, pointedly ignoring the playful glare being sent her way. “Besides, it’s not like you have much  room to talk, huh Mr. Floofy Hair?”

“ONCE, I called him that once! And we are not having this conversation again!”

“Why not? I for one think it’s adorable that you like him. And isn’t it kinda the queer agenda? Pining for your best friend?”

“Bold of you to assume I would adhere to any agenda- queer or not!”

“Yet here we are.” She signed, smirking.

“You are vexatious as they come Ms. Pugnat”

“And you aren’t?”

“Fair enough, and how was I not supposed to fall for him? Have you seen him? He’s flipping adorable!”

“None of the rest of us have.”

“You all have bad taste.”

“Sure Tobin.” She rolled her eyes, biting the last chunk off of the candy bar and crumpling up the wrapper. “But do let me know when you finally make a move, I have twenty bucks on you two.”

[bnheadcanons-scenarios]

Sorry if you don't accept these (currently on mobile) but can I get a five and one for bakushimanari. Five times Denki needed to be rescued by his bf (probably from villans) and the one time he can return the favor for them. If not I'd just love to have little bulletpoints on how each scenario would play out (btw I FREAKING LOVE YOUR BLOG IT GIVES ME LIFE)

So, I’ve never done a 5-1 fic before but it’s something I’ve actually wanted to do for a while now so I’m super glad you requested this especially with Bakukirikami!

Also, I probably won’t accept many of these since they are very long and very time consuming. But I’ll gladly do this for you!

This also takes place after they graduated from UA and are now pro heroes. I included some serious scenes and also some comedic scenes! I hope you enjoy!

Under the cut too because it’s 7 pages long on a doc so it’s a very long post though the scenes vary in length 

1.

The sounds of screams echoed in Kaminari’s ears as he rushed down the street towards the mushrooms of smoke and the blaring of alarms. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to move faster as another explosion shook the ground.

Turning the corner, he froze when he saw just how much chaos there was. Multiple buildings were crumbled to the ground, villains and heroes entangled in combat, civilians pinned under the rubble and caught in the crossfire. There was so much going on and Kaminari didn’t know where to do first.

Gritting his teeth, he heard the cries of a small girl and ran in that direction. The cries were coming from a pile of rubble, formerly an apartment complex. He didn’t waste any time before moving the slabs of concrete, muscles burning as he tossed them out of the way. Slowly, he made progress, digging his way to the child.

Eventually he reached the small girl, who shrank away from him when he came into view. Exhaling harshly, Kaminari put his hands up and smiled softly, trying to calm his hard breathing. “It’s alright. I have you,” he reached out a hand slowly while maintaining eye contact with the frightened child.

Tentatively, the child reached out a small hand to him, holding tightly. He pulled her out carefully, holding her close to his body as he crawled out of the rubble with her. Standing up, he stumbled slightly and looked around again.

Kaminari’s eyes widened when he saw one of the villains throw a large slab of concrete in his direction.

There was nothing he could do and he knew that, turning so that his body was between the child and the projectile. Closing his eyes, he held her close, using his body as a shield and expecting the contact at any moment.

The sound of concrete colliding with something rang in his ears, yet no pain came. Slowly and confusedly, he uncurled from around the child and peered behind him to see the familiar red hair of one of his boyfriends.

Kirishima turned around and smiled, flashing his sharp teeth at Kaminari, who let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Get the little one outta here Denki,” the other said calmly before rushing forwards. To the side, Kaminari heard controlled blasts of explosions and watched as Bakugou soared through the sky, taking down another villain in meer seconds.

Softly smiling, Kaminari wished he could admire his boyfriends in action, but the choked noise that came from the child had him moving to the safe zone, keeping her close as he trusted the other two to take care of the villains.

–

2.

The moon shone bright as Kaminari sat holed up in his office. Head in his hands, he peered down at the paperwork that covered the expanse of his desk. Groaning, he threw his head back and leaned back on his chair. This was his least favorite part of the job.

Well, it’s more accurate to say it’s his second least favorite part.

The first being beaten by villains.

But paperwork was much more common than that.

His eyes burned from constantly looking at the numbers and paragraphs that littered every page of the seemingly endless pile of papers he needed to fill out. Normally, he could get done at a decent time, especially when he had his sidekicks to help out.

But he sent all of his sidekicks home early because he liked to be the “nice boss”.

He was regretting that now.

The ticking of the clock on the wall was distracting. He looked at the time, groaning even louder when he saw that it was almost midnight. There was only one place he wanted to be at the moment and it wasn’t stuck in his office, filling in the blank places on the forms in front of him like some sort of corporate robot.

“I wanted to be a hero so I wasn’t trapped in an office!” he said to no one in particular, jumping when a laugh came as a response, practically throwing himself off of the chair as he whipped around fast.

He was greeted with Kirishima’s bright smile, calming himself down before standing and walking over to the other, lightly punching him in the arm. “Don’t scare me like that Eiji!”

“Sorry. Figured you heard me come in.” Kirishima wrapped one arm around Kaminari’s waist and pressed a chaste kiss to the other’s temple, causing the blonde to smile and his heart to flutter. “Wanted to see what kept you so long.”

Sighing, Kaminari sat back at his desk, gesturing to the papers scattered about. “Ah,” Kirishima made in acknowledgement. He looked around for a moment, Kaminari watching him in confusion as he grabbed a chair in the corner and pulled it up next to him.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna help you of course!” the redhead told him like it was obvious. He reached forward and grabbed a few papers, reading them over. “This is from the subway attack right? I can fill these out for you since it was a joint effort between us so all you’ll have to do is sign.” Without waiting for a protest or a confirmation, Kirishima grabbed a pen and began to fill out the summary of what happened.

Kaminari watched him, relief flooding into him as he bumped his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. “Thanks Eijirou.”

–

3.

Pain was the first thing that Kaminari picked up on when he became aware again. There was a dull throbbing throughout his entire body but the most intense pain was in his arm.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. He didn’t want to move much, not wanting to exacerbate the pain, but he did look around. It was hard to see, the room too dark to make out many details. However, he looked to his right and noticed that his forearm was snapped. Chuckling, he found out what the cause of the pain was.

Kaminari began to panic slightly as he started to feel other things besides the pain. He could feel rope around his wrists and ankles but he was too weak, in too much pain to try to get free of his binds. So he just sat there, listening to the drip, drip, drip of a pipe somewhere in the room he was in.

He tried to scream but he was unable to, overcome by a metal taste in the back of his throat as he coughed. No noise was being produced by his vocal chords.

He was truly helpless.

Sitting there, he tried to think of ways to escape. The thought of using his quirk to fry the rope was his number one idea. However, even though his tolerance and usage has increased, he wasn’t sure how many villains were around or how much of his quirk he would actually need to escape. And he didn’t want to risk frying himself out in the middle of his escape.

A few more possible scenarios ran through his mind but he was distracted by the sounds of screams, thuds, and mild explosions. Not wanting to get his hopes up, Kaminari braced himself for the worst, gritting his teeth to try to hold back his own scream as a sharp stabbing pain rang through his arm at the slight movement.

A loud thud rang out through the room, Kaminari assuming that it came from the door. Hinges squeaked and he squinted his eyes to try to see who was coming into the room.

“Oi, Sparky!” Bakugou’s angry voice yelled out and Kaminari had never been more happy to hear it before in his life. He let out a relieved sob.

“H-Here,” he managed to croak out, throat protesting at the use of his voice. He could hear the other quietly curse as he walked up to the blonde. Kaminari smiled at his boyfriend, whose red eyes held a mix of relief and complete and utter rage in them. It was obvious that Bakugou was debating whether or not to just escape with Kaminari or to go back to finish off the people who hurt him. Kaminari chuckled. “I-I’m so g-glad.” His breathing was becoming labored as he slumped forward in the chair, something sharp in his chest.

“Shit,” was all that Bakugou said before kneeling in front of Kaminari and carefully untying the ropes that bound the other. He felt arms around his back and under his knees, letting out a pained cry as he was hoisted into Bakugou’s arm, his broken and useless arm dangling to the side as Bakugou carried him. “I got you,” he reassured Kaminari, voice unusually soft, the same kind of softness that was saved only for him and Kirishima.

Kaminari was able to forget about the pain, feeling safe in Bakugou’s arms and knowing that he would be okay.

–

4.

There were hands around his throat, cutting off the air to his lungs. His vision was growing blurry, limbs numb, ears ringing. He couldn’t think, couldn’t even remember how he got into this situation.

All he knows is that he can’t breath and his feet are not touching the ground.

Slowly, he cracked open his eyes, seeing yellow eyes shine through the blurriness. Kaminari tried to kick, scratch at the arms holding him up, but he was growing too weak for his fighting to be effective. His lungs were burning unbearably and he was growing deprate.

A tear streamed down his face as he began to accept his doom.

Somewhere off in the distance, he heard a familiar voice call out his name. He couldn’t focus on it, though, because the hand had suddenly disappeared and he was falling but there was no floor underneath him.

Finally, he was able to take a deep breath, lungs thanking him. But being able to breath wasn’t any good if he was going to fall from an indeterminable height.

Something wrapped around his ankle as he fell and he felt himself jerk, back hitting a concrete wall and knocking the wind out of him yet again. Kaminari coughed as he felt whomever caught him pull him up.

After a few moments, he was pulled onto what he assumed to be a roof but, before he could get his bearings, he was being pulled into an embrace, two familiar arms wrapping around him. Turning his head, he was met with red hair in his face but smiled nonetheless, returning the embrace as his boyfriend held him tight.

–

5.

“Uhhhehehe.”

Kaminari laughed as he was forced to sit on the couch in his office, mind blank. There were voices all around him, all ones that he recognized but he couldn’t make out what they were saying.

His mind was absolutely fried, the outcome of going over his voltage limit.

Somewhere buried deep, he knew that he had to recharge but he couldn’t stand up, couldn’t walk, and couldn’t talk to tell his new interns what was going on.

It was their first day and he didn’t have time to brief them on what to do when this happened and no one else was around either.

“Where is he?” A familiar voice boomed through the office and the interns jumped, cowering behind each other as Bakugou stomped into the room.

“Wey!” came a noise of excitement from Kaminari as he waved at his boyfriend before falling backwards on the couch, laughing again.

He missed Bakugou rolling his eyes and giving him an amused smile as he walked over.

“Y-You can’t be in here,” one of the interns told Bakugou, fear lacing her voice.

“The fuck I can’t. Now move out of the goddamn way unless you know how to fix him.” No response came. “I fucking thought so.”

Kaminari rolled to his side, watching Bakugou rummage through his desk drawers until he came across a charging cord and wall outlet. He’d been through the process many times, finding the nearest plug and handing the other end to his boyfriend, who put it into his mouth immediately.

Bakugou lifted his head and sat down before letting Kaminari rest his head in his lap, running his fingers through his hair. They sat like that in silence for a few minutes until Kaminari started to come to his senses again. “You need to get smarter interns.”

–

+1.

Kaminari stood frozen at the scene.

There was fire, debris, blood, destruction, everything that could have gone wrong did. He didn’t know how things went so bad so quickly when everything was perfectly fine not even thirty seconds ago.

His eyes drifted the unconscious forms of his boyfriends. Bakugou laid on the other side of the street, face down and not moving. Kaminari couldn’t even tell if he was breathing from that distance. Turning his attention to Kirishima, the redhead laid just a foot away from him, body covered in the rubble that was supposed to cover him, not Kirishima.

He couldn’t contain the tears that spilled out onto his cheeks. Sobs wracked his body at the guilt and sorrow he was feeling at seeing the two people whom he loved most lying motionless in the street.

The laugh of the villain echoed throughout the speech, Kaminari freezing as he heard it. His sorrow didn’t disappear but rather took a back seat to the rage he felt at that exact moment.

Slowly standing and walking forward, he screamed and broke out into a run at the villain, electricity shooting out in a controlled way, puncturing the villain through the abdomen. He increased the voltage the closer he got, feeling himself sway but also able to control himself. A dark part of him wanted to fry the bastard that did this but he knew that wasn’t the solution.

After a few moments of releasing high voltages of electricity, he collapsed to his knees and watched as the villain fell, unconscious.

He was unable to revel in his victory, immediately standing and running to Bakugou’s side, shouting the other’s name and flipping him over onto his back. “Katsuki!” he shouted over and over again until he saw the other’s face twitch, a sign of life. The adrenaline coursing through him allowed him to drag the other over to where Kirishima was, not wanting to leave the blonde. He removed the debris from off of Kirishima’s body, sobbing in relief when the other let out a choked gasp.

As the sirens got closer, Kaminari sat there, holding Kirishima’s hand and gently coddling Bakugou’s head in his lap, crying tears of joy that they were okay.

[cuteandtwisted]

hi wiss! not a prompt but i just read your birthday fic for Even and I found it so touching how you treat his MI with so much care. i don't mean to intrude but do you have an MI? it sometimes sounds like you speak from experience. Do you or someone close to you have a mental illness? and what did Even teach YOU?

Hmm. That’s an interesting question. Interesting because I don’t really know., because I’m not sure I’m articulate enough to answer it. Also it’s 8am and I still haven’t slept/been stranded in airports after 3 flights. And I’m typing this on my phone. It’s funny how I always leak and ramble about myself when I’m exhausted.

Long story short: I’ve never seen a therapist and my mental state is based on what I think I know/things I read. It’s all in my head pretty much, which I realize is the same as assessing yourself physically without going to an actual Doctor. Mental illness was always so taboo in my culture growing up. It was considered a curse, an impairment, a sign of weakness of character or of bad karma. And it didn’t only speak for you and your deeds. It also spoke for your entire family. Mental illness was something we only heard about but never got to live through. It was that thing that happened to others or to that one obscure/distant family member. It wasn’t exactly real and it wasn’t nuanced either. It was a death sentence so to speak. It was an ending in and of itself.

My first direct exposure to someone with a mental illness was to my uncle. He’s my father’s youngest brother and we’re barely 10 years apart. What’s most vivid about him in my childhood memories are his height, his silky hair, his talent for drawing, although he’s never had any training, and his tendency to smoke too many cigarettes and drink too many cups of black coffee. He also happened to be schizophrenic and delirious. His symptoms started around the time his parents got a divorce and his father (aka my grandpa) got married to one of his students (i know. Wtf). He got misdiagnosed and his meds fucked with his mind a lot. He never got to finish school or pursue his dream to be an artist. I’m always sad when I think of him because he is the perfect example of someone who could have been helped but who was cursed, not by his pained mind, but by society’s stigma. He always kisses my forehead when he sees me and it always breaks my heart when I remember how scared I used to be of him when I was younger. It wasn’t my fault, I later realized. Everyone around me kept telling me that i was to feel afraid. I often hear about him ending up at the police station and at the hospital, and I often heard my grandmother complain about how he ruined her life with his sickness. Terrifying, isn’t it? It doesn’t encourage anyone who might be feeling inadequate to ever speak up.

I personally started to feel /weird/ when I reached the age of 13/14. My parents said I read books I wasn’t supposed to have read when I was younger and that it messed with my thoughts and my mind. I loved philosophy, still do. Questioning my own existence became a thing I practiced religiously. At one point I was convinced I had superpowers and that I could escape reality whenever I wished to. Sometimes, it was pleasant but not really. Like being tickled. It makes you laugh but you don’t necessarily enjoy the loss of control. I thought I could control it, but then I realized that it was controlling me. Sometimes it was terrifying because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and Google wasn’t extremely helpful either. Later I realized that I was experiencing depersonalization/derealization and that I wasn’t that special. Recoiling into one’s mind to the point of no longer being able to perceive reality was something many others experienced. I was almost disappointed to learn that I wasn’t special.

I went through some terrible experiences around that time and my moods started fluctuating. I would go from elated to extremely down, never leaving my room. My parents were constantly traveling so they didn’t really notice. It didn’t help that I was an extremely proud, reserved, contrary, and cunning teenager. My mind was my best asset and I used to my advantage. Another thing that duped most was my ability to pretend that I was fine all the time. I could be crippled with sorrow and still have a smile plastered across my face. I could entertain groups of 10 for hours then go home and cry until sleep found me. I was proud, stubborn, ‘strong’. And strong people didn’t admit to feeling weak and needing to just sleep it off sometimes.

At one point, I convinced myself that I was bipolar. I even wrote it in my diary and my anonymous blogs back then. I didn’t know much about it. I just knew that my mood swings and my depersonalization episodes had to be attributed to something. Again, i never saw a therapist, so it was all BS. I also never splurged to the point of mania. (However, I do spend money recklessly sometimes. I do jump on flights at the last moment, buy the most stupid shit just for the heck of it, shove my tongue down strangers’ throats just to feel something, drink until I’m blind and throwing up against walls. I do feel larger than life sometimes, slightly invincible, convinced I’m special and have some insight into human nature, convinced i can see right through people and read their minds. I have my moments. But don’t we all?

I also do feel down sometimes to the point of not leaving my bed for days, ignoring everyone’s calls and messages, and just curling around myself in the dark. I do. I do. But don’t we all?

Control and pride are all I have, however. So you won’t find me whining about my feelings or my mood swings in real life.)

I kept entertaining my self-diagnosis and remained convinced I was bipolar until I first met a diagnosed bipolar person at the age of 17. I didn’t know he was bipolar back then, just that people called him ‘crazy’ and a ‘fucking liar’. I knew him as my boyfriend’s best friend/neighbor. I thought he hated me for the longest time. I even imagined that he was secretly gay and in love with my boyfriend. But he wasn’t. I asked him point blank why he hated me one day and he replied with “i don’t. I’m actually in love with you.” I still remember that day so vividly. My boyfriend and I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

My bf and I eventually broke up, after which he got shipped to another city, but I maintained my weird friendship with his best friend/neighbor. He transferred to my school when we were juniors and I took it upon myself to introduce him to people and show him around. He walked me home on Friday afternoons and made me playlists which we listened to on his iPod. We shared his earphones as we walked to my house. He started writing me poems and posting them on facebook. He called me his 'colombe’ which translates to 'his dove’ and he became fixated on me to the point of following me in the streets when I was out with friends. I remember the night he stood outside of a McDonalds with a cigarette between his lips staring at me through the window. I started feeling scared. I rejected his advances and his poems were dark and accusatory now.

He came to school with a bandaged wrist once and i was afraid of asking him what happened. My english teacher pulled me aside at the end of class that day and asked me if it was true that I had pushed him down the stairs and caused his wrist injury. I denied it because it wasn’t and i started feeling slightly terrified. The guy left a note in my bag that day and stopped me during recess to ask me to not open it until i got home.

I opened it as soon as I finished an exam early and went outside waiting for everyone else to come out. It was dark and chilly. It was November. The note he wrote me was another poem and it was written in ?blood? I was shocked and I questioned it as much as I could. It could have been red nail polish. It could have been anything. But why do this to me? Why? I didn’t understand. He came out of the school and i snapped and it was just the two of us in the dark. He had followed me outside but i was so angry and confused that i failed to see that it was just us two now. I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he cut himself because of me and of how i treated him and that he wrote me a poem with his blood. I think i might have called him crazy. I don’t remember. I was experiencing shock in its purest form so I don’t remember everything I said.

And then he hit me. He shoved me hard against the wall and he hit me across the face, then he said that he loved me and that I didn’t understand. I still remember how the blow felt like nothing. The worst had already happened. I internalized that hit so much, and perhaps I still do. I was tiny compared to him. I can fight people, but I was shocked by how utterly powerless I was at that moment. My limbs had just stopped functioning. And to this day I still find it hard to let my guards down around men or anyone physically capable of overpowering me. Biology, and all. My best friend came out of nowhere and a fight broke because he had me pressed against a wall. Then we all went home. I never told anyone that he hit me that night. I was too proud. I still can’t believe that it’s something that happened to me.

I cut my bangs to the side that night to hide my bruise, and thankfully I have brown complexion so it wasn’t that bad. I avoided him like the plague after that, even when he crawled back to me begging for forgiveness. He later sent me long messages explaining his diagnosis and his bipolar and how he had developed an ‘obsession’ with me, how it wasn’t really him doing those things. But I couldn’t find it in me to forgive him. Being mentally ill doesn’t condone shitty behavior, it doesn’t condone physically assaulting someone. I don’t know. He traumatized me.

I developed some sort of stigma after that. I was kind of like S3 Isak (which is why i think the show changed me so fucking much) I 'chose’ to stay away from 'mentally ill people’ to 'protect myself’.

The guy in question did continue being a shitty person until everyone around town knew to avoid him. He played girls and called them sluts and lied about everything and everyone and he was just pretty horrible. And it took me some time to understand that it wasn’t because he was bipolar. It was simply because he was an asshole.

I did develop empathy for him later on when I stopped being so angry and blaming myself for everything all the time. I guess I realized that some have it harder than others? Maybe his shitty behavior was a byproduct of how he had been treated so far? Maybe it was his only outlet, his only way of lashing out against the world for 'inconveniencing’ him with an imbalanced brain? I don’t know. But i forgive him now. Because I’m sure he wasn’t always terrible. I’m sure he has lived through his fair share of horrible things. I’m sure those weeks he spent in bed were daunting. I’m sure people weren’t always gentle with him. I forgive him but i will never forget. Because some people go through hell and still choose to be kind. Because what he did, using his bipolar to justify his awful actions, is selfish and only perpetuates the stigma around bipolar.

I guess this is why SKAM changed my life so drastically? The only depiction of bipolar i had been exposed to was from this guy who traumatized me and all the crap on TV that either romanticized it or simply turned it into a trope and showed people who suffer from it as helpless and completely delirious with no chance of ever leading a normal life. I’m grateful for SKAM because not only did it erase my previous biased and erroneous views which were influenced by a rather unfortunate event, but it also made me do research and read about it and learn more. I fell in love with Even and his mind and his kindness and all the love he has in him. Life can throw crap at you, but you can still choose to be kind. And that’s what Even and his story taught me. Mental illness is not a death sentence and you can still be loved and happy

Back to your question, I guess, I still haven’t paid a visit to a therapist lol. I’m scared i might find out something about myself that i won’t like. I’m scared of being called out on my bullshit. I’m scared of leaking like a broken faucet. I get dizzy thinking about some of the crap I went through and I sometimes think it’s better left in pandora’s box, that it’s better to keep the lid on. I don’t know. Sometimes my life feels like some really badly written CW show. But I’m still happy with where I am today. Always. One day i’ll organize my thoughts and write something meaningful about the storms in my mind. But until then, i’ll borrow the voice of fictional characters to work through some of my personal experiences.

Sorry about the rambling. I’m SO angry at Delta airlines right now. I had to channel that anger into something else haha.

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

What Happens in Hawaii...

I'm meh about the title; open to suggestions. A messager on tumblr requested a smut fic with a heavy, curvy woman of colour reader. And I managed to write some damn not smutty plot instead for the first 1500 or so words. Part 1 is the set up, and the plottiest I've been in imagines. The current bf/ex bf is abusive, but it doesn't go into it in depth. I’m thinking this is late 08/early 09 timewise.

ummm... @sinning-urie @prettyoddfiction anyone else wanna get tagged when i post? @kinkybden ?

-----

You're on vacation with your boyfriend when you meet him. You're on a walk, cooling off from the upteenth fight you and asshat have had lately, wondering why the hell you thought shit would get better if only you'd go together to Hawaii to "reconnect." You'd rather reconnect the door with the door frame as you left, slamming it shut. You go to the beach, calming down as you watch the sunset, sun still keeping you so warm, covering your brown eyes with your hand. You forgot your damn sunglasses. Prick.

You hear a man and a woman, realizing they are a couple as their whisper-shouting argument gets clearer as they come closer; she almost shouting, him far quieter. "Brendon, I can't believe... I thought those were jokes!... You can't seriously expect me to be ok with that." You're instinctively on her side--he probably fucked up big time, pulled some entitled male bullshit and hurt her seriously.

But as they come closer, you can hear him, too. "I've never lied... Remember that....I told you then...last year."

"Come the fuck off it. I mean, maybe it'd be one thing if it were just in your early teens, but you... last month?!? You can't expect me to be ok with you being a faggot." With that word, the sympathy you had for her largely drains away, replaced with a slowly bubbling anger towards her instead. It sounds like he cheated, which obviously is not ok, but it seems like that's not really what she's upset about: the homosexuality or bisexuality is.

She shouts, he talks a bit more, but you're too busy thinking to pick up on it all, and besides, you're feeling like an...auditory voyeur. You don't want to hear his humiliation, and you wonder if she'll regret her words later, or feel righteous. You breathe a sigh of relief as she storms off, unsure if you should just pretend you heard nothing, or give him a concilliatory smile, or what.

You see him on the verge, then he tips over into it, and ok, you should try to help: it looks like he's having a full on panic attack. You pull the hairband off your wrist, pulling your black hair into a ponytail as you walk over to him. "H-hey, you ok?" you say awkardly; he sure doesn't seem so, that's why you're coming over, and you feel like a bit of a dunce. He looks too white to be native, but you wonder if there's some Hawaiian heritage there when you get close enough to see the flower tattoos on his arm, and take in his features, the wide nose and...whoa, those lips. Those are way too plump for a white boy.

He gets even more flustered, embarrassed, which just sets his anxiety of more. "Hey, B--" you cut yourself off from saying his name, worried that the knowledge you heard a lot will just make it worse for him. Your heart hurts when you see how hard he's trying not to cry. "Let it out, but try to breathe, nice and slow, ok?"

"Shitshitshit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you--"

"Honey, it's no bother, why don't you just breathe with me. Would that help?" He nods, back of his hand wiping away tears, and you breathe deep and slow, wanting to take his hand but worried that that would be too weird.

You want to hug him as he calms down, gulping for breath slowing to almost normal, shaking leaving him, a few tears flowing over, but stemming. He seems so tough and frail at the same time; it's strange. He's not a short guy, average height, but slim, and his state makes him seem smaller. Once he's relatively calm, he seems vaguely familiar, but you can't place why. He's a gorgeous boy, a really beautiful young man, at any rate, and the thought makes your cheeks heat up.

"Well, that was an awkward first meeting, huh?" you joke, smiling shyly at him.

He nods. "I feel like a dick."

You shake your head. "Don't worry about it. I was feeling peckish, if you wanted some company still?" You nod towards the nearby cafes and restaurants lining the street.

"Yeah, sure. I'm Brendon."

"Y/n."

"Where'd you want to go?"

"This is my first time here. Is it yours?" He shakes his head. "Do you have any recommendations?"

"I know a few places we can try."

He points out a couple and you go with his second suggestion, and sit inside by the window.

"Those are Hawaiian flowers."

"Yeah. Hibiscus and plumeria."

"Are you part-Hawaiian?"

"Yeah, my mom's side is half-Polynesian. She was born in Hawaii. I'm mostly white though."

"Can I?" you ask, bringing your hand near his arm. He assents, holding his arm out, scooting closer to the table, and you reach out, stroking.

"They're so vibrant for a tattoo. They're really beautiful, Brendon." He beams at that. "My parents are both biracial," you add. "My mom is white--Scottish, and Carribean, and my dad is Jamaican and Japanese."

He smiles, looking over you again, as if your skin and features make sense now, but it doesn't feel weird.

You also run over the piano keys after looking back at him for the ok, getting a smile in return, that you give back twofold. You tell him you used to play as a kid. He did too, and still does, he says, in a band in the states, but they've toured a lot of places.

It finally clicks. "Panic at the disco, right? I thought you seemed familiar. That closing the goddamn door song?"

You look again at his tattoos, thinking about what you'd get to show your backround if you got tattoos yourself, as he starts humming the song, and you join in. You don't know it well enough to sing the words, but you know the tune, and remember the video. He was so campy in it. His fingers start drumming on the table, and you follow him for a bit, then brave placing your hand over his. His hand feels way too soft for a musician--you think guitarists would have tough hands. He gives a sly smile, entwining your hands, and you start to feel warm, fluttery.

Your phone rings, and you figure you should answer it when you see it's your boyfriend. It's late, and he'll just get more pissy if you don't. You try for a cheery "Hey, Dan-" but he cuts you off.

"Don't you 'oh hey, Daniel' me when I can see you all over that guy, y/n."

"What the fuck Daniel, are you spying on me? And I'm not all over him, we're just talking." You're not one to be a doormat, and you hate how he's the guy to try to make you one, but he had gotten close to getting away with it before tonight.

"Not spying, I'm *concerned* about my girlfriend. Who, apparently, is too busy slutting it up--"

You hang up before he can finish. "Brendon, can we get out of here. Like, now?" Now it's your turn to feel anxious. You so don't want to deal with dickhead's shit anymore, and you're worried about where he is. You want to grab Brendon's hand again, but you don't want to start anything, when he could be anywhere, in any mood.

"Yeah, sure. What's wrong?"

"Ummm...my ex, he's here, and I want to get the fuck away from here."

He looks concerned. "Yeah, sure...has he--nevermind, we barely know each other. You don't have to tell me."

Has he hurt you? Yes. Not in the way most people would get: he's never hit you in the face, punched you, used a weapon, or anything like that. But his words, attitude, possessiveness, and how he treated you in bed--but you can't tell Brendon any of that. You don't want to lay it on him, let alone feel like telling it to a near stranger. Your best friend didn't get it, didn't see the problem, when you tried to tell her, so what was the point?

You're wondering about Brendon, as he hails down a taxi, about the fight you overheard between him and the woman who probably is an ex now, hopefully, for his sake if nothing else. He seems...he really puts you at ease. It's hard to put your finger on it--he seemed almost absentmindedly flirty with you at the cafe, and he'd come here with a girlfriend, but apparently... You think he'd come across as gay to a lot of people, but he seemed to swing both ways.

PART 2 https://warmbeebosoftbeebo.tumblr.com/post/165590339240/including-boyfriend-talk-filthy-thoughts 

[deceitofstars]

85 questions tag

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people tagged by: @mncmosyne​ and @fck-tamlin​ thank yooooou!!

idk if i can tag 20 but tagging: @afellowslytherindemigod​, @girladamparrish​, @lunarcaustics​, @tibcrias​, @nestarchron​ i mean 5 is a good number

the last … 1. drink: water 2. phone call: my sister? calling from upstairs asking me who was at the door (the postman) 3. text message: 'yeah...n realising how pointless it is’ me makin lists to go on my blog 4. song you listened to: seventeen - don’t wanna cry #svttrash 5. time you cried: well saturday was pretty messy 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yea if i start thinking abt it now im gonna throw a plate 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: yes  10. been depressed: don’t know 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes :(( n i throw up all the time fuck my life in the last year have you … 15. made new friends: yep! n now they’re an ocean away from me lol 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes omg me n my friend could not stop looking at this picture oh MY GOd just thinking about it  18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah but they werent important so 19. met someone who changed you: yeah, n for the good me thinks 20. found out who your friends are: i have like 3 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yea can we not 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them but we don’t really talk 23. do you have any pets: i want a pet chinchilla but i have a hamster instead n he’s kinda cute 24. do you want to change your name: YES who the heck is alecs?? lol who the heck spells it like that ??? i’d be going by my first name instead if it weren’t so ugly but alecs isn’t as bad as it 25. what did you do for your last birthday: i was in korea :< went to a garden n read, ate a really good burrito 26. what time did you wake up: 8:30am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: tryna find nessian fics :// 28. name something you can’t wait for: september!!!!!! starting uni!!!!! maybe seeing my boyfriend but really just can’t wait to get out of this house 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: an hour ago before she went to work 31. what are you listening to right now: warpath - ingrid michaelson LISTEN TO IT 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah but he wasn’t very interesting,,, or am i the not-interesting one 33. something that is getting on your nerves: no money no motivation my dad 34. most visited website: rn it’s tumblr 35. hair colour: brown/black 36. long or short hair: longish for my height i guess 37. do you have a crush on someone: yea 38. what do you like about yourself: i laugh at anything n i like my lips they’re a real nice shape 39. piercings: ears 40. blood type: A i think 41. nickname: mostly al, snail child, lexi, idk not many people call me nicknames :( 42. relationship status: in a relationship with a nerd 43. zodiac: taurus roar 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: brooklyn nine nine, the office, miranda, teen wolf s3 lol, REPLY 1997 and 1988!!!! oh my god 46. tattoos: no but i want some!! i want a tiny number 3 behind my ear, a heartbeat on my pinky finger and a korean quote on my ribs or collarbone 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: i had my appendix taken out when i was 7 49. piercing: yea again 50. sport: running + lacrosse 51. vacation: take me to peru!!! 52. pair of trainers: idk what they’re called but they’re nike  53. eating: fucking love fruit n cake 54. drinking: i don’t really drink fizzy drinks, so just water 55. i’m about to: get really mad cuz my laptop is running slow, think about editing something 56. waiting for: an ember in the ashes #3!!! oh my GOD, the raven cycle show?!!, uni to start n for my dad to stop thinking i’m still 13 (i’m 20) 57. want: to get a call back from that one job i want, pepperoni pizza 58. get married: yeah when the time is right i guess 59. career: this makes me feel so fucking stressed  60. hugs or kisses: i like both 61. lips or eyes: eyes !! oh god 62. shorter or taller: taller but everyone’s taller than me cuz im short as fuck 63. older or younger: same age or just a lil bit older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS  65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: both idk mostly hesitant  67. kissed a stranger: nope 68. drank hard liquor: yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: nope don’t wear 70. turned someone down: do you count unintentionally friendzoned 71. sex on the first date: nah not for me 72. broken someone’s heart: i prefer the term unintentionally friendzoned 73. had your heart broken: either by friends or parents 74. been arrested: nope 75. cried when someone died: no 76. fallen for a friend: if i count my bf now? but before, almooost but shhh  do you believe in … 77. yourself: selectively cuz i’m always on the fence 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: no 80. santa claus: always ??????  81. kiss on the first date: yes it’s cute if it’s lil a lil peck y’know 82. angels: no other 83. current best friend’s name: richelle 84. eye colour: dark brown 85. favourite movie: too many ahhh gna go with train to busan from the top of my head

[caffeinatedchanyeol]

RULES: tag 10 of your followers you wanna know better. I was tagged by @galaxiumin! 🖤 - nicknames: Summer is my name, but my mother and bf call me Sunshine (I don't like) 

 - height: 5′1" • smol - time right now: 1:10, EST

 - last thing i googled: why does wind happen 

 - fave music artist: of all time, 30 Seconds to Mars but right now EXO is taking over my life

 - song stuck in my head: KNOCK KNOCK

 - last movie i watched: The Witness, Luhan's movie lmao I'm a sinner 

 - last TV show i watched: legit watching Missing 9 as I type this 

 - what i’m wearing right now: pajama pants with chihuahuas wearig hats and sweaters with a plain white tshirt and glasses 

 - when I created this blog: so i wanted a place to collect Gay™ Kaisoo things but also go find new friends online and so I started this maybe a month ago? I haven't had a Tumblr in years so I honestly barely know how it works (sos) 

 - do i have other blogs?: not on tumblr but my instagram (much easier to use) is yeolchanpark 

 - do i get asks regularly?: wouldn't know tbh 

 - why did i choose my URL?: I'm addicted to caffeine and Yoongi has basically the same personality as me

 - gender: I am a female, wassup 

 - hogwarts House: STRAIGHT UP SLYTHERIN HELL YEAH 

 - pokemon team: idk the bf chose it for me tbh, I was only in it to catch the damn things 

 - fave colors: the color of a storm front moving in (that charcoal gray gorgeousness) and the color of pine trees and also light rose dusty pink 

 - average hours of sleep: anywhere between 7-10 hours, usually with a nap somewhere in between cause I'm a fucking animal 

 - lucky number: 3 

 - favourite characters: any depiction of Kyungsoo in fics tbh but also Percy Jackson and Robert Langdon 

 - dream job: i WANT to be a student forever but seeing as how I shit out regular shit and NOT gold bars I have to pick a career. I'm currently finishing up my bachelors degree with a major in history and a minor in medieval and renaissance studies and I plan to get a masters in teaching 

 - number of blankets i sleep with: top sheet, knitted blanket, comforter, any additional blankets 

 - following: like over 400 accs bc I'm so thirsty for KPop it hurts 

 Imma tag @sassybookshelf & @laycult & @baekixing @bisexualjongins & @tellmewhatiskaisoo & @ohsenhun & @sehuneta & @chocopcy this is my first actual interaction with anyone else on tumblr and omg I'm overwhelmed oh well okay bye

[elementalavatars]

do you ship otayuri? if so, do you ahve any headcanons for them?

I do! And I will happily share some of my HCs for them, but let’s get this out of the way first: I recognize that when Otabek and Yuri meet up in Ep. 10 Otabek is 18 and Yuri is 15. However, the age gap is actually 2yrs and 4months (Otabek would have just turned 18 in October - at the beginning of the season - and Yuri will be 16 in March - a few months after the GPF) and that isn’t a problem for me. I get why some people are uncomfortable with the age gap bc a 2yr age gap between teens is a much bigger deal than, say, a 4yr age gap between people in their 20s. When I was in high school, I saw seniors date sophomores and yes, sometimes it was creepy. But I also had two friends who started dating in high school (for context, I’m now 25, high school was a while ago) when one was a senior and the other was a sophomore and they’re now happily married and have a small baby thing. The other couple I knew that started dating in high school with that same age gap is currently engaged. And again, I don’t live in like… some super conservative, everyone gets married to their high school bf/gf place. So. I know there is/was controversy over their age gap and I understand that everyone can have their own feelings about the gap/this ship, so I would appreciate that same understanding for why I don’t have a problem with the age gap and ship OtaYuri. :) 

OK here are my hcs for OtaYuri getting together:

Otabek has not been in love with Yuri since the first time he met him. Yuri did not fall in love with Otabek simply because he whisked him away on his motorcycle. But there is a pull between them that isn’t romantic in nature initially. Yuri feels at ease around Otabek, Otabek enjoys Yuri’s presence, and it’s simply comfortable to be around each other, to text each other throughout the day, to low-key miss having the other person around often. 

They stay in contact after the GPF. Otabek doesn’t use social media much and he texts like an old man, with perfect grammar and all, but Yuri doesn’t mind. Yuri sends a lot of pictures of his cat, internet memes, random ass things that he finds entertaining and just getting an “Lol.” from Otabek can make him smile. 

This level of contact continues on for a while, with them only seeing each other at competitions. But at the GPF a year after they “met,” Otabek and Yuri are practically inseparable. Yuri texts Otabek the second he gets off the plane to ask what he’s up to and Otabek texts him back “Nothing.” So, once Yuri gets checked in to the hotel, he bangs on Otabek’s door, “Get up, we’re going sightseeing. Did you rent a motorcycle again?” 

Oh, also, Yuri has started to get taller. His growth spurt is fucking with his skating and he loathes his new height with every fiber of his too-tall being, but he does smirk a little to himself when he realizes he’s about an inch taller than Otabek now. 

Yuri doesn’t place that year (Otabek bronze, Victor silver, Yuuri gold) and while he’s pissed about how he does, he’s also genuinely happy for Otabek (and stupid Katsudon too). He tells Otabek this much at the banquet, where they are still basically attached at the hip, because they are best friends, after all. 

(And so what if Yuri kind of has a crush on Otabek, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t even know what way Otabek swings and he’s not going to ask because - as close as they are - they just don’t talk about relationship things or stuff like that). 

(It does not help that Victor picks up on the fact that Yuri and Otabek have basically been together during every free second they have during the GPF and gives Yuri that knowing look late into the banquet. It takes all of Yuri’s self-control not to scream obscenities at Victor.)

And then Otabek invites him to stay with him in Almaty for the summer and train there with him (Fic rec - if you haven’t read “From Almaty, with Love” you should)

This is a problem. Because living with Otabek is so easy and comfortable and there is a distinct possibility that he is falling in love with him. 

Nicknames start happening. Beka. Beks. Yura. 

The low-key physical distances they always maintained between goes away too. Otabek is still more contained than Yuri, but casual touches happen a lot when they simply didn’t exist between them before. They sit closer to each other than necessary. Otabek - seemingly unthinkingly - starts playing with Yuri’s hair when they’re watching a movie. But whatever this new dynamic between them is, they don’t address it. 

Leaving Almaty to go back to Russia is one of the most painful things Yuri has ever done. 

And then the real pining starts. 

Now, they Skype and Facetime and even occassionally talk over the phone and if Yuri’s chest literally hurts sometimes when they say goodnight that’s fine. 

Sometime before the GPF series starts up, Yuuri and Victor decide to go back to Japan to visit everyone. Yuri “begrudgingly” goes a long with them and casually throws it out to Otabek - “if you wants to meet up with us there you can, since you’ve never really seen anything outside of Tokyo and we’re still going to be training at the Hasetsu rink, so you could do that too, if you wants, but no pressure, of course.”

Otabek quite likes the hot springs and yuuri’s mom’s katsudon. 

Also, watching Yuri interact with everyone - Yuuko, the triplets, even Victor and Yuuri -  and how much Yuri actually loves these people (despite acting like a pissed-off cat constantly) makes him ridiculously happy? He just wants to see Yuri that happy all the time? And that loved? And he wants to be a person in Yuri’s life that is also a source of that love? And sure, Otabek knew he had started to feel things for Yuri when he was in Almaty, but now it just feels very, very real. 

One night at dinner, Victor and Yuuri are talking about planning their wedding and Victor asks if Yuri he’ll be one of his groomsmen and Yuri “begrudgingly” says yes and then Otabek starts asking polite questions about the event - what date did they pick? where will they have it? - and Victor just casually says something like “oh, well you’re invited of course. You’ll be Yuri’s date right?” and Yuri nearly chokes on his food. 

(How competent are Hasetsu’s police? So what if Victor accidentally dies in the hot springs? They can’t actually prove Yuri did anything, right?)

Yuuri had gently diverted the topic away from who Yuri wants to bring as a date after Victor’s comment, but now the invisible elephant in the room may as well be neon pink so. 

Yuri decides to take the plunge. 

After dinner, he tugs Otabek out for a walk. It’s quiet for a while and then Yuri finally feels something in him break and he’s confessing - Fuck, ok, so. I don’t know how you feel about things and I don’t want to fuck our friendship up, but I really like you. In, like, a gross way that makes me want to spend all my time with you and makes me miss you constantly, basically. So -”

Otabek places his hands on Yuri’s face, the action enough to make all the other words he could feel threatening to spill out disappear. Otabek smiles - I like you too. In a way that makes me want to spend all my time with you and miss you constantly, too. 

Yuri sighs, heavily - Oh fuck, thank god - and then they’re both leaning in, Yuri wrapping his arms around Otabek while one of Otabek’s leaves his cheek to tuck Yuri’s hair behind his ear. 

It’s a first kiss for both of them. 

And it’s perfect. 

[circumswoop]

Black Movado: Frank Ocean and the Art of Time

As pseudonyms go, Frank Ocean is pretty straightforward. Right away you know this is emotive, aesthetic music: why get out of his dreams and into his car when you can do both? Take the innate politeness of a born Southerner, add the steel reserve of a bred lowlife and you get songs made from acrylic acids and fine glass powder. Ocean serenades the sea directly in “Swim Good” and “Blue Whale”. Remember the David Foster Wallace line from “Little Expressionless Animals” abt the sea looking like a big blue dog? Swimming with dolphins, incredibly, is the height of basic. But a blue whale? Years ago I read a piece of short fic, by whom I don’t remember, abt a lifeguard who saves a man from drowning and then later sees that man in public, like a restaurant or something, and he, the drowning man, does not recognize his saviour. I wish I cld run into the burning wreckage of whatever hard drive it was on and rescue that story.

More than anything, Frank Ocean’s music feels like falling thru different kinds of air. Figuring out the angles, or angels, of the artist who once asked us to imagine being thrown from a plane is trickier now than in 2011, not just because we’ll never be those kids again. 2011, year of Frank Ocean and the Weeknd, was when the Tumblr aesthetic peaked, with its treatment of visual culture as micrographic surgery, cutting away segments to freeze for a microscope, repeating until there is no more cancer. As palliative pastiche, Tumblr may never be equaled in the history of the internet. Why do you think Grimes, that bony collector of kitschy enthusiasms, still uses it (sort of)? Why do you think Frank Ocean, parachute artist, still uses it(sort of)? Why do you think I still use it (lol, sort of)? If you are a cutter but not of skin, you cut images, or text, and paste them on a blog in lieu of a body. The word “blog” doesn’t mean anything anymore but it still has exactly the trunk space for a body.

A few days after Blonde dropped, I was talking to Yes abt it on Viber, the app we use to keep in touch now that he’s moved back to Greece. Affectionately, he accused me of being too topical bc I’d heard the record and he hadn’t. Then later, he sent me a video of him hearing “Nikes” for the first time, a master shot of him reacting and lowkey crying, a video he meant for his bf in New York but one he wanted me to see, as one of his designated watchers. Once he sent me a visual of him slamming, and this was almost more wrenching. Something about the way that song switches between weary dragging and witchy sweetness recalls one of my favorite lines of literature, from Ondaatje’s The English Patient: “There are stories the man recites quietly into the room which slip from level to level like a hawk”. (Ondaatje, pastiche royale, is a cutter if there ever was one.) There are stories we tell ourselves and stories we tell our loves. We think we see, just for a minute, the wings of an angel who has temporarily turned into a pickup truck. Or maybe we just hear them.

Frank did some time in church, as attested to on Tumblr: “My grandmother was pentecostal evangelical. She brought much of that fire and brimstone back to her household.”

50 versions of “White Ferrari”

Yes thinks Frank seems pretty gay. I myself do not, while getting that he is. Something about Frank’s testimony seems more like my own, meaning that of a boy who grew up like everyone else and then woke up one day, pretty recently, really exhausted. “Nikes”, for all its gunwales-and-all authenticism, was also a deadly indictment of the ruthless transactionality that passed for straight culture in 2016. Men being power brokers, and women rewarding them, acquires a harsher light when everyone’s in on the joke, when exploitation is the same thing as askance anymore. Yes told me he saw his file from when he was in Bellevue, and honestly they couldn’t figure out his sexuality, except I know for a fact he’s had sex with exclusively men for 3 years now. We discussed it once, and we agreed sort of glibly that girls just aren’t as down, and here’s why: they’re finally as trash about sex as men have been for millennia, but in the opposite direction. Now there’s a winking runway of lights laid out before every m/f interface, and the men are landing and the women are taking off.

I’ve always felt like Frank Ocean did not come out as gay so much as he seceded from the sexual polity. I myself have done this, little by little, over the last 18 months as my years-long relationship, and then another one, wrapped. Seduction and betrayal are an exhausting form of bone remodeling and I can’t deal with that distribution of weight anymore. There’s a reason some dicks are astringent. The curve of the penis is the curve of the earth.

Frank’s Tumblr, last fall: “Consciously though, I don’t want straight—a little bent is good.” Frank on “Siegfried”: I can’t relate to my peers/I’d rather live outside.

Think of another line from “Nikes”--“but if you need dick I got u”--as essentially a somnolent invite, shd sex ever come up. The paradigm of a man too busy for his woman may still be an eye-rolly turn-on, but if that usage slowly morphed into a kind of IOU--not a booty call, but sex on call--then that song accomplishes another mission. If it majors in telling leeches to unstick (these bitches want Nikes/they lookin for a check/tell em it ain’t likely), it minors in motivating the favorably unhorny to speak up for themselves. One of Frank’s most valuable adds has been this exhaustion--if he is in awe of Prince, he’s totally his inverse.

China, Japan, Oceania, France, just around. Casual.

Ocean is, incredibly, both world-spanning and alone. In last year’s NYT feature hosted by Jon Caramanica, he alluded to going on dates in London, keeping the hard drives of his music in a backpack, and skipping Blonde media to tool around anyplace that suited him. These revelations, or postcards, sealed Frank’s fate as patron saint of the voluntarily solitary, which may or may not be the same as the voluntarily committed. In the interview, Frank alludes to the “luxury of choice” which is pretty loaded but the expression of preference is the one thing they shd never take away from you, all the way down to the grout in your cell. Even if you never had it.

In his germinal book The Aesthetics of Disappearance, the writer and artist Paul Virilio famously offered a riffy, razzle-dazzle definition of “picnolepsy” as a kind of allergic reaction to speed--worldspeed or brainspeed, “a montage of temporalities”. This turning of what is essentially epilepsy into just a stunningly inept relationship with reality would seem glib or banal, even though Virilio credits Ambrose Pare’s qualification of epilepsy as “retention of feelings.” Except it also applies to time as a long passage, like a train tunnel, broken up by flashes of light or gleams of steel from above. Obviously this is me getting into Philo101 thru really overqualified means, but picnolepsy is more fun when you make it modular, rather than metabolic. It explains one of the highest functions of pop music: to mark time. Pop is the ceiling fan above you as you lie on your bed. What’s keeping it from falling and slicing you to smithereens?

Frank Ocean Music, with its eroded-coast elisions, nostalgia as a kind of ultraviolence, and polyrhythmic, difficult-to-replicate-at-karoake vocal patterns, is Memory Music. Plenty of artists do this, if not all of them to some extent. Ocean is the rare one who looks sideways, not back to the source of the old memory or forward to the source of a new one. Virilio compares this oscillation to a sort of trackable loss of interest, a loss you can steadily mourn, as simply as looking at old photographs. There’s probably no other songwriter of Ocean’s stature who is so fascinated by the broken image, or the art of the slant, and who breaks that down into pure romance--all while looking so effortlessly out over his life from the slashlike lull of what Virilio called “paradoxical wakefulness.” Which is odd or slightly berserk, since listening to Blond or Endless or even, retrospectively, Channel Orange occasionally elicits symptoms of paradoxical wokeness.

Stare at the monitors and come up with nothing

In the 2016 film Arrival, aliens land in egg-like avatars that also look for all the world like blue whales--especially toward the end of the film, when they levitate with the same impossible elegance. 

The purpose of this film is to talk about time and language, about how they agree and disagree. The aliens, or heptapods, have a written language that uses center embedding and presents visually as witchy-looking spells or smoke. 

As soon as Louise Banks, the Amy Adams character, cracks the language, she cracks time, or at least the heptapods’ expression or experience of it, and is able to, for all intents and purposes and excusing the crudely inadequate phrase, “see the future”. A heptapod sentence can’t really be translated except by effect, because the inkblotty figures they emanate are constructed palindrome-like--the same forward and backward. 

Except it takes several minutes with a legal pad or an app for humans to work out even the flimsiest palindromes, while heptapods intuit or assay the maximum meaning from such recursion with no consideration for time or expelled work, because the time it took to write this sentence would be already inflected in the characters like markers on a motion capture suit. Erase the layer of knowledge or “meaning” and time is able to be visualized, in both directions, and if you can visualize it you can manipulate it. Or erase it.