#or they’re both just terrible for each other and refuse to acknowledge it

[creppersfunpalooza]

just realizing like 90% of my character relationships are toxic yaoi and doomed yuri. how do i process this information.

[plasticferal]

keeping score | matt & chris sturniolo.

prologue: 'they say love is the sixth sense that destroys all other five senses’

authors notes: 1.9k, explicit language, reader discretion is advised. welcome to my first series, please enjoy the ride.

they both want you. the only way matt and chris can agree to settle who wins is through competition, one where you’re the prize. your own heart is torn between the two brothers. the thing is though, love doesn’t keep score.

they have two very different experiences to offer. two sides of the same coin. a coin you refuse you flip and settle on.

matt is the first to catch your eye in any room. he makes you nervous. butterflies, awkward laughs, stuttering over your words. all of it. you like him. you’re unsure if he feels the same toward you.

however, you also like chris. the compliments he showers you in, the subtle flirting, the way he softens his tone around you, how giving he is, the way he’s so shamelessly himself. the list goes on. he’s different. 

it’s a weird triangle of intrigue and unrequited feelings that lingers and is never acknowledged.

you’re already convinced it’ll never happen. with either of them. you’d be putting too much at risk considering how deeply you value your friendship before anything else. the fear of falling in love, and losing them both. 

which might just be your karma for being into both brothers. 

they occupy the living room. you’re upstairs, using nick’s bed to take a nap while he showers, and he takes long showers. he’s always given you a safe space in the house, to make it feel like home. 

you love to annoy chris and matt by stealing their clothes, blankets, soft drinks out of the fridge, tagging along to every late night drive and fast food pick up. 

they share everything with you, but you designate yourself in nicks’s room as to not stir up any terrible, rash decisions on your accord.

being fast asleep and tangled up in crisp, cold, silk sheets, it’s a deep sleep. completely escaping into your dreams.

you’re left unaware of the chaos that’s about to ensue in the living room between the two brothers who occupy your mind. chaos is the score in which reality is written upon.

“you like y/n, right?” matt asks chris. 

you’ve had a strange feeling for a while now that matt is trying to set you up with his brother. which, as flattering as it is, it’s bittersweet. 

matt is sinking lazily into the lounge while scrolling through his phone, on the furthest left. chris is on the furthest right with his feet kicked up on the coffee table. 

they’re in direct view of each other on the L shaped couch. not in a literal sense, just in proximity. neither brother is actually looking up from a screen of some kind.

“what?” chris snaps his head toward matt, diverting from the television for a moment. 

“just answer the question.” matt huffs.

“of course i like y/n. she’s the closest person in our life besides like, nick” chris shrugs, going to look back at the screen again. 

matt groans in disappointment at his response. 

“you know i don’t mean it like that.” matt sits up slightly, readjusting his position and posture.

“god here we go again.” chris runs a hand down his face, fearing his brother's next words. 

“how do you really feel about her?” matt pries. 

unusual for him. out of character even, chris is usually the one who needs to know everything all the time, and is never afraid to ask the hard hitting questions, as annoying as it may be. but not with this topic of conversation.

the difference is, chris does it because he’s genuinely curious. matt asks questions for his own selfish reason, to chris’s oblivion. 

chris needs reassurance that he’s making the right decision in not pursuing you. matt needs to know if or when he’s going to have to compete. little does he know that time is nearing. 

“man, i don’t know. i just- i like her. can’t we leave it at that?” chris’s tone is anguished. 

“you’re avoiding the question-”

“i answered your question!” chris cuts matt off before he can fully form his sentence, and matt’s jaw tightens. 

“fine, whatever.” matt waves his hands in the air with defeat before diverting back to his phone, leaving chris to linger on his words.

“i’m never gonna make a move. i know how you feel about her, too.” chris huffs, as though he’s annoyed at the response he’s had to give.

“what’d you mean?” matt gives chris a glare, like he’s daring his next words.

“you know exactly what i fuckin’ mean” chris scoffs, shifting in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest and pulling the sleeves of his gray hoodie past his knuckles.

matt takes a loud inhale through his nose and exhales through his mouth 

“we can’t just keep pretending that we both don’t want her.” matt drops his phone onto his stomach face down, being slightly slumped. 

“i’ve been fine pretending” chris throws the hood of his sweatshirt over his head to hide his eyes more from matt, a natural reaction to not enjoying the grilling. 

“well if you don’t make a move, i will.” matt’s tone is serious.

“you wouldn’t.” chris deadpans, a sincere tone of disbelief seeping from his lip that he’s now biting the corner of.

“you’ve been saying you’re gonna make a move forever and haven’t done shit."

he knows it’s not nice, but there’s something about the lack of passion from chris despite the obvious crush just makes matt's skin crawl. if someone is going like you and not do anything about it, matt is more than willing to shoot his shot, give you what you deserve. 

“that’s not fair” chris twists his face, glaring at his brother. 

"i think it’s more than fair play at this point, kid.” matt scoffs.

if looks could kill, matt would be dead.

all those times you’ve perceived matt bringing up chris to entice you have just been a ploy to gauge how both of you feel. he knows it’s manipulative, but no harm, no foul.

the worst part is, chris isn’t actually even sure he wants a relationship. he’s infatuated by you, undoubtedly. matt on the other hand would marry you with a paper ring. 

they’re both scared of their own feelings, and the intentions that might come along with them. they don’t ever want to hurt you, but their carnal desire is misleading their moral compass.

“alright then,” chris starts, matt’s words hitting a nerve for him. he slaps his hands onto his thighs and sits up in his spot. 

“how do we settle this? who gets her?” chris continues, staring at his brother intently now.

“i don’t think we get to make that decision.” matt shakes his head, bringing his hand to his mouth as he begins to bite his nails, which muffles his words.

“you’re right, we don’t. but we’re gonna have to compete for it to even be an option.”

“compete” matt repeats chris’s words with a sour huff, a slight arrogance in the sense that he doesn’t view his brother as a threat. 

not when it comes to you, and there might be a small part of that statement that’s correct. you have a sweet spot for matt, which fires up chris even more. he is conscious that he’s the underdog, as much as you try to show an even amount of attention to the both of them.

“what’s wrong? you scared you’ll lose?” chris taunts. 

“that’s the least of my worries.” matt scoffs, his mind traveling down every possible path this terrible idea could go down. 

“fine, then you won’t be afraid of a little competition.” chris says nonchalantly, pushing back with the same energy matt’s been giving, turning the tables.

“what’s your plan here? we just tally up the moments we get with her until someone wins? to boost our own egos?” matt speaks with his hands.

“i do love to have my ego stroked” chris grins to himself, the thought of you crossing his mind as the words leave his mouth. his train of thought tends to wonder easily.

“seriously, chris, how do we plan on settling this?” matt rubs his hands together, like the action you do when you’re trying to stay warm. 

“i think there’s only one answer to that.” chris responds, in a “duh” tone, without explicitly sharing what’s on his mind.

their sixth sense of being able to unpack each other's minds sparks like an electrical fault in the moment. of course, neither of them hate the thought of getting you in bed. they just hate the thought of you being unaware. 

somehow it’s more challenging than falling in love, or securing a relationship. betting to sleep with you is actually the hardest challenge of them all, let alone covering all the bases in order to attain it. 

the intimacy, the intensity of it all. it just seems so unattainable. it requires them, and you, to be completely and utterly vulnerable. 

“that seems kind of, objectifying.” matt shifts his demeanour, ironic considering he sparked the conversation. 

“it wouldn’t be a competition without a challenge.” chris acknowledges, and unfortunately for the both of them, he’s right. 

“this sounds so fucked up” matt says, running his hand through his scruffy hair.

“first brother to five points takes all. all of her.” chris speaks, confidently setting up the challenge. 

essentially their plan is to see who can get the closest to you, and let the other brother suffer in watching it happen. which occurs points. loser has to back off of you completely. unless someone gets to you first, in which case all their hard work flies out the window. they won’t be making it easy for each other.

“points won’t matter when i get her into bed first.” matt’s smug, knowing it’ll make chris go insane. 

“so i take it that you’re up for the challenge?” chris ignores matt’s words with a prompt, because if he doesn’t disregard it, he’ll lash out. 

matt considers it. at least he acts like he does. he knows his answer. if he wants you, if either of them do, they have no choice but to compete. neither of them are sure if it’s love or lust, but they’re about to find out. 

they are certain of one thing though. they like everything about you. the way you look. the way you smell. the way you sound. they know exactly why they want you. it’s the first time ever someone has been able to grab the attention of both brothers. hence the severity of the agreement.

“when do we start keeping score?” matt responds, and that’s all the reassurance chris needs in his brothers answer. 

as if on command, you trudge down the stairs in a sleepy state. their eyes snap toward you simultaneously, and you blink repeatedly to make sure you’re seeing them right. 

you are their favorite part of every day, so it’s not out of the ordinary for them to acknowledge your entrance, but you can feel the intensity of their eyes on you with a different energy. 

with foggy vision still clearing as you rub your heavy, tired eyes, you let a small yawn escape. they both melt at the sight, despite you feeling like you’re in your least desirable state. 

you’re not even paying attention to their back and forth bickering. the sound of their voices muffling through your ears. whatever it is they’re saying, they’re not saying it loud enough for you to hear before you even make it down the stairs.

“now.” chris states, eyes snapping back at his brother as they both raise off the lounge.

all is fair in love and war.

tag list: @luverboychris @floofparker @fake-sturniolos @letstripsturniolo @imwetforyourmom @mattsneezing @mattslolita @breeloveschris @rootbeerworshiper @mattstattoo @mxqdii @tay-laaaaa @pettydollie @lacysturniolo @annamcdonalds67 @landrysflannel @goandcomebsck @sleepysturnss @call-me-ninaaa @lustfulslxt @txssvx

[heyyesimtrash-whatofit]

Hey Gatsby people, I know I’ve seen ppl talk about a reincarnation AU and wanted to try my hand at it (thanks @writerinconstantcrisis for listening and helping this bullshit lmao). Please consider-

Nick, having successfully published his memoir The Great Gatsby, stands as the last of their group to die

The gang are reincarnated and run into each other just a tad earlier than before, their Junior Year of High School. They become great friends, absolutely clueless to their past lives

Spring of their Junior Year they get the good ol required reading of The Great Gatsby, in which their friend group just sorta laughs at it although Nick can’t shake this sense of Deja Vu reading it…

It comes to a head for him in the hallway one day leaving class when Jay calls him “old sport” (“because it sounds cool! I like it, I’m gonna bring it back.” “You’re gonna look like an idiot, James.”) Nick is hit with an entire lifetimes worth of memories in one go

Has to spend the rest of high school in constant crisis because none of the others know, they clearly don’t know, if they knew they wouldn’t be hanging around George and Myrtle so casually oh god he’s gonna be sick-

Jordan remembers next, at a graduation party. Nick decided to shoot the long shot and mention how he’s never liked small parties because there’s no privacy. Jordan is left reeling but at least Nick is there to help her

Daisy finds out next, although she’s alone when it happens. It’s their first year of college and she’s left reeling and on her own. At first Nick thinks nothing of her sudden texting spree in the group chat (which was jokingly named “The Gay Gatsby” back in high school and hasn’t changed) until Christmas, when he sees that look in her eyes and spends the rest of dinner staring her down until he can ask in private. She cries for an hour at least

Tom remembers second to last, his Junior Year of college when he and Daisy get together (on much better terms, mind you, and both he and Daisy are better people because screw you it’s my AU and I get to fix the characters) Like Daisy I’m not sure exactly what his trigger event is but it hits him and hard. First off, gaining a second lifetime of memories is rough. Second, he was an asshole oh my gosh. Third, he caused the death of someone he gets along with pretty well now (no, he and Gatsby are not best buds. They’re more like those friends who constant piss each other off as a show of affection). He’s not the other three there for him though so it’s not terrible.

Gatsby is last. First to die, last to remember and boy does it hit him like a brick. They’re out of college, hanging at Nick and Jay’s shared apartment (roommates, but room for ship because I do, but can be platonic) when someone says something and immediately everything shatters. His admittedly short life crashes back harder than the others’ ever did (except maybe Nick) and he is absolutely broken by it. It takes three days for Nick to be able to talk to him, and that’s not even beginning to acknowledge the others.

Once everyone is back and ticking, barely comprehending what’s going on mind you but they’re trying, they all vow to never let the events of that summer happen again. They’re on a good roll already but they need to keep it up. For everyone’s sakes

That’s the jist of it main plot wise. I’m gonna include some additional sillies under the cut. Feel free to ask/comment/whatever about this AU if you’ve got questions, because I have a lot of thoughts for it lmao

Additional disaster-

Every time someone remembers, they watch the 2013 movie together with those who know and laugh at the inconsistencies/wrong things. It helps them make light of their shitty pasts.

Furthermore, every time someone remembers Nick rereads the book. He can’t forget. He refuses to.

Once Jay remembered and the shitstorm passed, everything returning to as it had been was marked by everyone in their group chat sending some form of “Close enough, welcome back The Gay Gatsby.” Jay laughed for ages at it. Nick had to respond for him.

Everyone has dreams about their past life, although for some it’s more common. Namely for Nick and Jay, whose reoccurring dreams are more like nightmares

Nick feels responsible for everyone. He was the first to remember, he wrote the book, he has to be there for them better this time around. He fails to remember that they’re there for him too, which comes to a head when they find him passed out, locked in his room, surrounded by smudged pages on which he was once again trying to recall that summer by memory. Things get worse when he lets it slip that he was easily ten times worse when writing the original TGG. Mandatory group therapy amongst each other doubles in frequency, with the others refusing to let Nick just brush over the shit he was put through because of them.

Everyone calls bullshit on Nick’s flawless A in English 11. Why? “HE DIDNT HAVE TO READ SHIT! HE WROTE THE DAMN BOOK!” Nick claims that’s their problem, not his.

After first regaining his memories, Nick became very reclusive. He hid from his friends until they broke into his room, partially RAN from George and Myrtle every time he saw them, and became very invested in rereading TGG. Oddly enough though he wasn’t adverse to hugs, especially from Jay. In truth, it was because he just liked hearing his friend’s heartbeat. It helped remind him that he had a second chance, they all did

Jay and Tom argue a lot still, but about the stupidest things. Once things settled from Jay remembering, Jordan, Daisy, and Him were hanging out when suddenly they heard a loud argument approaching. Nick braced for the worst, only to find the two arguing about whether normal or Dino nuggets were better. Idiots.

Nick, having no other outlet for his feelings and thoughts toward his past life at the time, took to his English class’ book discussions to discuss and explain things missed or misunderstood. He was. Rather passionate about proving his point when someone tried to claim he was wrong. He wrote the book damnit!

Jordan is a Lesbian and proud, Nick is Gay, Gatsby is Bi. It’s practically stated in the book but I just need to say it here to be sure.

Jay has had an “irrational fear of pools” since he was a kid. It makes sense in hindsight

And I think that’s all I have for now! Please, if there’s any interest in this AU, do not be afraid to let me know. I will rant. I am trash. Don’t forget it

[crimsonsnippet]

sorry for spam liking/reblogging ur swap au LOL. but i saw u asked for swap au asks and i have plenty of questions so:

would light and l end up dating in the swap au? would it be fake dating like canon yagamane or real dating like canon lawlight? if they do date do you think they’d be open about it or would they consider it too much of a risk to their kira personas? what would be soichiro’s reaction, and misa and the task force’s opinions?

does l like light’s blond hair or does he prefer his natural hair? and what does he think about his outfits (canon l was so horny for light even when my guy was wearing khaki everything and like. brown suits. what would he think of light wearing goth fits with tons of accessories (inc chains) and skirts and stuff 😭)

how comfortable do you think light and l would be with mikami and kiyomi discovering their kira identities, on accident or on purpose? because they’re still pro-kira, right? on that note, how comfortable is light with mikami and l with kiyomi? what does light think of mikami being in love with him (i assume he knows, lol)?

is light’s fanbase more international or national? and what’s his relationship with his fans like? what does the general public think of him? what do other celebs tend to think of him? and speaking of other celebs, have light and ryuga hideki interacted? ik you said light is more of a performer than an actor but if he’s acted at least a little, was one of his roles a romance movie with ryuga hideki like misa in canon?

how do ryuk and l get along? are they buddies like canon ryuk and light? and how do light and ryuk get along when they meet in this au? does light play video games with rem like he does in canon with ryuk?

do any of them have pets? i could totally see light with a giant fluffy cat.

does l act similarly to canon, eating lots of sugar and sitting weirdly and stuff? his fashion style seems a little more similar to canon light’s, is it just for appearance’s sake or does he find it comfortable? does misa still like gothic and occult stuff? is light still a huge nerd?

what’s light’s relationship with sayu and sachiko like?

how did l find the death note (sorry if u already mentioned that)?

sorry for spamming you with so many questions, ik it’s a lot but i started writing them and just kept thinking of more as i went lol. i love the swap au, it’s so fun, and your art style is literally so gorgeous i’m obsessed with it.

have a good day <3

THIS IS SUCH A BIG ONE I THANK U FOR UR SERVICE 🛐🛐

light and L probably wouldn’t end up openly dating though they’d definitely flirt terribly and they may date in private. they definitely feel. a certain way about each other. but both are far too smart to draw suspicion to themselves by dating. misa probably sees it coming because their frustrations were very similar from the start and they have similar opinions about the government (even if she thinks light is harmless and L is kira). soichiro is a different story because he’s likely wary around L anyways. L doesnt like the police even if he’s working on the case by recommendation and when light waltzes in and makes contact he knows immediately that L is the type of person light would get involved with to make him uncomfortable. he still refuses to acknowledge whatever light is going through isn’t something he’ll grow out of.

i’m not sure what hair color L likes better! he definitely thinks light is attractive but he’s still primarily attracted to his intelligence. im sure L is. Completely Definitely super Normal about light’s fashion choices…. (no one believes him)

L wouldnt be comfortable at all with kiyomi discovering shit because he’s a very secretive lone wolf as always and wouldn’t want her messing anything up for him or light even if she’s a supporter, but he gets along with her just fine as a person. Mikami likely knows fairly quickly light is kira 2 because light tells him. they’re best friends and mikami is his manager so light probably manipulates mikami’s feelings for him as he does with misa in canon (without dating him) but sees him more like another rem. he’s a friend, but definitely not “anywhere near his league”.

i imagine light’s fanbase is more international! japan is pretty rule driven and strict so like ado’s “usseewa” he probably gets a lot of people in japan disliking his music and talking controversially about it but internationally in countries that have a more rebellious outlook he’s the coolest guy around. his relationship with his fans is not unlike his relationship to his peers in canon, he charms them and talks to them and looks cute and genuine even if it’s an act, but he’s a bit of an outcast among his peers who think he’s a bit of a freak or a mental case. and also- funny you mention hideki 💀 i never did decide on this but it had crossed my mind

i talked about ryuk and L in an ask i answered a few minutes ago so ill go more in depth on the others! light and ryuk get along much the same as misa and ryuk did, but ryuk thinks light is far more entertaining than L so hes a little more enthusiastic. when it comes to rem i think he would play games with her! he probably treats her a little like a big sister or almost motherly figure since he doesn’t have one so rem becomes very protective of him

light doesn’t have a relationship with sachiko since she’s dead which causes a lot of the friction, but his relationship with sayu is a lot closer than canon! he basically had to look after her himself when their dad often wasn’t available and she thinks he’s super cool and thinks the world of him while light is pretty protective of sayu in return because it’s always been the two of them against the world

I figured L would find the death note pretty similarly to light because he’s already in japan himself.

I LOVE QUESTIONS SO DONT BE SORRY!!! IM SO GLAD U LOVE THE SWAP AU BECAUSE I DO TOO… AND TYSM 🛐🛐

have a good day yourself too!

[aegor-bamfsteel]

Making the Velaryons black was obviously a stupid move but if the creators of HoTd had to race-swap another house, which one do you think would have been best to incorporate the sensitivity to deal with the racial background while also remaining important in the larger scale of the plot?

I mentioned it before, but your question sort of makes it obvious. There are 3 houses that fairly consistently are involved in the heart of the conflict: Targaryens, Velaryons, Hightowers. Targaryens and Velaryons have intermarried so much they’re basically one family, they’re originally Valyrian who pride themselves on blood purity to the point of incest, they conquered/help conquer lands that didn’t belong to them…so casting them with Afro-British actors has bad implications (even disregarding how the Targaryens murdered and neglected the Velaryons in the books/show due to their own selfishness).

That leaves the Hightowers, and with some tweaking (not making Aegon a serial rapist who enjoys watching impoverished children beat each other with rocks; or at least show some or all of Rhànyra’s terrible acts as narrated by Mushroom so there’s some sort of balance) it could enhance some of the character motivations on the show if they were played by Afro-British actors.

The Hightowers are the outsiders of the Valyrian family, and this would be a visual reminder of how different they are. Rhányra shows even when she and Alicent are friends, that she doesn’t understand what she’s going through (calling her a broodmare), and just wants freedom for herself; Rhányra gets Otto fired for spying on her, leaving Alicent without close allies in Viserys’ pro-Targaryen court; she’d buried her Hightower identity as Viserys’ wife, until Rhányra’s dishonesty causes her to break it out with the Green dress; when Rhányra suggests torturing Aemond in response to him calling her sons “Strongs”, Alicent decries her privilege of other people paying for her wrongdoings. I figure that if Alicent and Otto were played by Afro-British actors, their lack of privilege in contrast to the Targaryens, their friendlessness in court, how Alicent had to play the dutiful wife but it was never enough for her husband who would prefer his daughter over his second family and she’s had enough, would be emphasized. Alicent and her children’s friendship with Criston Cole, who is Dornish in the show, also gets another layer; it’s an inversion of the “black absentee father” trope (that the show inadvertently played in to when they had Laenor abandon his family) when it’s the Dornish man mentoring a black woman’s biracial kids when the white father refuses to support them (in favor of his white daughter); when Criston tells Aemond they both have to work harder to get less than what more privileged people receive by default, there’s added meaning. Yes, the Targaryens mistreated the Hightowers, but at least it’s acknowledged in-story as a part of Alicent and her children’s dislike of Rhànyra’s family, and them going to war is fighting back; meanwhile the Velaryons are murdered (Vaemond, Laenor in the books), tortured (Silent Five in the Books), marginalized (Laena has her active personality taken away and is graphically killed off for shock value in the show), have their lands stolen (Jace over Baela), jilted (Baela in the books), or reduced to cheerleaders for the white characters (Baela and Rhaena in the show)…and they still keep supporting Rhányra&Dâemon with little consequence.

Apparently people who watch the show think that dragons and those who ride them are cool, rather than…dangerous weapons capable of burning a city. And according to the commercials I heard for a podcast, trolls on Twitter were harassing the actors who played the Velaryons for “riding dragons”. So at least with Hightowers played by Afro-British actors, you still have the blood supremacist white Valyrians who believe they can do what they please, but you also have several dragon riders of color and important players in the Dance, who don’t roll over and take whatever the Targaryens do to them. You also keep the message of Nettles, that Valyrian blood isn’t essential for dragon riding, while adding more actors of color to the cast.

[yell0wsalt]

Better - Hot Shade

I took this song into an AU where Iroh and Asami are in an awkward situationship. Both are terrible at communicating when they want more than what they’re currently getting, afraid of opening the can of worms. Iroh assumed because of Asami’s busy schedule she wouldn’t have time for a relationship. Asami believed Iroh couldn’t want more with his sporadic time at sea.

There they go making assumptions.

They both can’t do casual. Life is better with the other in it.

–

Asami had been laying in her sheets, eyes raking up and down Iroh’s form in front of her. Wordlessly, she took in his scent and presence.

Iroh had been doing just the same and began to reach out and run his fingers through her hair.

Breaking the easy silence, she looked up to him whispering, “You should probably get going, right?”

At her question, Iroh brought his hand back, a solemn look flashed across his face for a brief moment. Eyes closed, he let out a heavy sigh. Meeting her gaze once more, he replied, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I kept you for too long as well.”

Asami didn’t have anything to say about that, only cracking a half smile.

Lazily, Iroh rolled over to swivel out of her bed and grab his clothes.

When he was properly dressed, he turned around to face Asami who had propped herself up and watched him with an unreadable expression, the sheets pulled up to cover herself.

He leaned in to kiss her on the forehead.

“I’ll see you around, yeah?”

Asami silently nodded, feeling his lips linger for a moment before pulling away.

That was new.

When he was gone, Asami fell back on the bed and rolled over to pull the pillow Iroh had been laying on closer to her. She inhaled deeply, wanting to hold onto any bit of him that stayed behind with her.

Remembering the way his lips felt on her, another level of intimacy they didn’t usually admit to each other, she closed her eyes.

Sleep didn’t come easy after that. It never did.

****

This, whatever this was, had become a routine of theirs.

When the two of them met months back, they felt that one of a kind spark. It was more than a primal attraction, but one of also admiration, respect, and intrigue.

However, with Iroh’s scattered schedule being abroad for weeks or months at a time and Asami’s status in the C-Suite, they both didn’t believe there was room to pursue that connection and build it into something with roots.

It would have been an impossible endeavor.

Right?

What they settled on was that whenever the two of them were in the city at the same time, they’d plan to spend the day out together, the night in either of their beds, and that would be that.

The good old fashioned no-strings attached dance and song.

Quick and to the point, yes, but every moment together they appreciated and lived to the fullest. Unfortunately, days can only last so long and when it was time for either of them to leave, there was an air of dread that hung over them.

Both Iroh and Asami refused to acknowledge it.

Recognition of that feeling only came in the form of dreaming about what they currently have, what they want, and what they wished the two of them could be.

In their own private space, of course.

Afraid of rejection. Afraid of more. So they took what they thought they could only get.

****

The dancing around of what was building between them could have only gone on for so long before a breaking point was reached.

One night as Iroh was getting ready to leave Asami’s place, he told her that he would be at sea for one of the longer stretches of time that he’s experienced in a while. A year? Maybe more?

Either way, he didn’t know the next time he’d see her again. Outside communications when he was on board was almost always a near impossible task, so that was no good. He figured it would be best if they ended this now and she moved on to someone better.

Taking in this information and hearing his proposal, Asami didn’t have a proper immediate response, only a slow and silent nod.

“Take care, Asami. Hope you have a good life.” His final words to her before the door closed behind him with a click.

When Iroh began to leave, Asami felt as though the breath had been sucked out of her while being pulled underwater, trying to comprehend his words.

Take care, Asami.

The click of the door snapped something in her and she came to herself with a new light ignited in her chest.

This cannot be it.

Hopping out of her bed like a shot, Asami threw her clothes on and ran after him.

****

Having run with all her might down the street to the boats in the naval yard, she stopped. Finding the recognizable stature in the distance, Asami took in a breath before yelling, “Iroh!”

Halfway up the ramp, he stopped. His name from that voice struck a certain chord in his heart he struggled to suppress. Luggage dropped carelessly, he slowly turned around. Eyes widened in surprise.

“Asami?”

Meeting her halfway, Iroh couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing there.

“Iroh, why were you telling me it’d be best if I move on? Let me decide that for myself. It felt like we just got started and I’ve finally found where I belong. When you left it hit that I don’t think I could find anyone better and I refuse to.”

“Asami-”

“Please, Iroh. Tell me I’m not the only one who’s been pulled in this deep.” Her eyes darted back and forth, searching for an answer in his.

Cupping her cheeks, Iroh pulled her in for a bruising kiss. Feeling his lips on hers, Asami melted, wrapping her arms around his middle. In his kiss she recognized there being a deeper level of affection the two hadn’t put words to just yet.

It was one she reciprocated.

Pulling away with the need to break for air, Iroh panted out, “Figured showing would have been just as effective.”

Flushed cheeks, Asami nibbled on her lower lip. With one hand overlaying his and the other still around his waist, she smiled blissfully. “Think your team will need another engineer onboard?”

“One more wouldn’t hurt. We’d appreciate the extra set of hands and someone like you.”

A wide grin on her face no longer feeling restrained, Asami eagerly pulled Iroh in.

—

Losing myself on the breath in between

The minute you stay and the second you leave

[the-pale-goddess]

Book 3. That one scene with that one particular preference of Ethan. I know almost no one HC this but if your Ethan would have approached it in the same way canon Ethan did, would it be a dealbreaker for your MC or taint their relationship? Would she say yes or no? Would her answer depend on the situation more than the act itself? (Assuming this happens between 2 people in a committed relationship instead of the shitshow between those 2 from canon).

Thank you so much for thinking of me and E&T, dear! I really appreciate it ❤️ Yet again, I’m terribly sorry for the late reply!

Welcome to my OH talk kshskhskdb

Before I answer your questions, I feel the need to clarify my stance. Since the third book is nothing but an ooc AU fanfic to me, where the writers had no knowledge of respect for the source material or basic understanding of the characters they were writing for, I refuse to acknowledge OHTY Ethan as the Ethan. Are they trying to convince us that the man who was slightly confused by MC proposing whipped cream, ice cubes and a bow tie JUST a moment ago has suddenly transformed into a BDSM king collecting gear for his sex dungeon? I’m not buying this bs. It’s one of many inconsistencies that made no sense to me, so I treat Book 3 Ethan as a completely different person—an evil Ramsey twin jsbksbsksb 

In addition, the introduction of BDSM was wildly inaccurate and disrespectful and PB included that scene solely for profit. I abandoned the game after this chapter, but I’ve read all the scripts and there was no further mention of this very particular preference, which only proves my point. 

Coming back to your asks! Let’s assume that Ethan was indeed hoping to try bondage with Tiffany and wanted to present his case at some point, but ended up approaching her the evil OHTY twin style…Given the circumstances, my girl would say no. She would draw the line at using her as some sort of anger/frustration relief; such encounter would make her feel used and Ethan would easily fall victim to another bad coping mechanism afterwards, so even though she would be eager to explore the offer, she would refuse to do it during his emotional crisis. The right way to deal with his, uhm, dark mood is to address these feelings on a therapy session. Tiff would be supremely supportive, but she wouldn’t let her partner’s issues cloud her judgement and rush into such a complicated sexual relationship for the sake of his temporary high. 

See, my couple is pretty wild and I HC that they often get really freaky (I mean, Conquest and The Tape serve as a tiny glimpse into their sex life), so if we ignore that terrible and toxic execution of the topic, Tiffany would be 100% down for the act itself. They definitely sway to the rough side sometimes and love to experiment. But before they indulge in any dom/sub fun, they make sure to agree on something they’re both comfortable with. Though they know one another’s limits and trust each other immensely, it’s vital to create a safe space for mutual pleasure when trying something extreme, especially if it happens for the first time. That’s another reason why I can’t accept OHTY evil twin because the Ethan I know would never force anything even remotely sexual upon MC or put them in such a problematic situation. 

To sum up, I don't have issues with the preference itself because E&T are kinky enough kjskgjdkg I just hate the way it was portrayed and can't accept it in this form.

Of course that’s just my interpretation based on the source material, not the bad coding PB offered at times.

It got too long, I apologize ksjkjskfjsfkg

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Out of Commission

Prompts: Hello fellow ace buddy! I’m in a very specific mood tonight and I think you and your wonderful writing can help me out… Picture this, Roman is out of commission (hurt, sick, creative block, etc) but refuses to acknowledge or address any of it (perhaps because of some ✨self esteem issues✨) meanwhile Janus is just trying to get him to actually take care of himself so they can both get back to doing their jobs Again I literally worship your A03, you are absolutely phenomenal and have written some of my favorite fics of all time. You’re an incredible human who’s doing wonderful things for this community and it just makes my day to see you on my dash! - anon

hi! i have loved and read your stories for a while now, and i finally have the guts to request a thing! i stumbled across a prompt a while ago where character a has a nervous tic that they do anytime they're stressed or anxious, and character b is hellbent on comforting them every time they notice it. I imagined the prompt with roman as a and remus as b, but you could do whatever characters you want! (preferrably platonic for my aro self) - anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: self-doubt, self-esteem issues, RSD

Pairings: platonic creativitwins, roceit can be platonic or romantic you choose

Word Count: 5417

There is something to be said about selflessness, and it’s not that it’s good.

There is something to be said about opening your arms to give someone a hug and realizing that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to receive a hug yourself. Because you’re no longer focusing on the warmth and pressure from having another person in your arms, their arms around you. You’re focusing on where your arms should go, is this comfortable for them, how much pressure is too much? You become dependent on your ability to read them, to know when to pull back. The hug becomes about them, and your ability to give them what they want. 

There is something to be said about creating something and realizing that the only reason you’re doing it is to please someone else. Because you’re no longer focusing on how the world flow from your heart and your mind down your arms, your fingers, onto the page. You focus instead on what they want, on what they need, and what they don’t even know they wish to hear yet. You’re focusing on the bits and pieces of scraps of attention they’ve left on the ground behind them so that you might, in vain, pick them up and piece them together. You’re not working for you, you’re working so they don’t have to. 

There is something to be said about making selflessness part of yourself, and realizing there’s no space left for your self inside it. 

Roman is no stranger to strong emotions. He and Patton collaborate most of the time, because, of course, one can’t have hopes and dreams without hope. So yes, when Patton feels and aches and soars, Roman is with him, building a scaffolding underneath or helping to haul them higher, higher, into the clouds. 

But Roman can only do so much. 

He can’t stop Patton from feeling things, no more than he can stop Virgil from being anxious or Logan from being reasonable. He can only create and create and create, hoping that somewhere in there, there will be something that they can use. 

He’s gotten used to it. The grind of creating, of pouring himself into each and every last thing he can cobble together and presenting it to the others with an earnest smile and heart full of hope. And it’s worth it, isn’t it, to see their smiles, to feel their relief, to see Thomas grow stronger and stronger each day?

Isn’t it?

Well, no. 

Yes, yes, of course it is, but…not all the time. 

Sometimes, it…hurts. 

Again, no stranger to strong emotions. It’s easier to create from a place of pain, after all. Pain is easy. There’s a reason many writers disparage those who only write heaps and heaps of suffering. The banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain and all that. And yes, he’s been known to describe writing as being willing to sit at a keyboard and bleed for an audience. There is something unsparingly vulnerable about creating, he’s learned in the years of shedding layers of himself and calling them works of art. 

Roman sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That’s the last time I have licorice tea this late at night.”

He sets the teacup on the desk and stands, scrubbing his hand over his face. The last of the fancy-schmancy words fade as he rubs his eyes, heading for the bathroom. He flicks the light on and starts to wash his face. 

The rambling part of his brain—that seems to have an affection for purple prose—was kind of onto something, though. It’s so much easier to write and make something when it hurts to do. Why is that? Maybe he should ask Logan. 

Roman scoffs and turns off the water. Definitely awake too late. 

He manages to get through the rest of his nighttime routine and head toward the bed when it hits. 

Ah. So that’s why he was drinking tea so late at night. 

And why his purple-prose brain was so active. 

“Son of a bitch,” he mutters through gritted teeth, leaning against the wall and rubbing his chest with his hand, “shut up.”

The cold pit yawning in his stomach pays him no mind. Instead, it grows bigger, a black hole in his sternum that makes his lungs ache. He stumbles, trying to get to the bed before it gets worse.

His hands start to tingle. 

“Come on, come on.”

His legs buckle and he flops gracelessly onto the bed, shivering as he tugs the covers up around him. 

No sooner has he gone limp, the cold spreads. His arms become husks, shriveling and useless at his sides as they grow heavier and heavier. He wants to collapse into the event horizon and never crawl out of it again if only it means he’ll stop hurting. 

And if he can stop thinking this dramatically, that’d be good too. 

Roman closes his eyes and does his damnedest to muffle the whine in his throat. He is fine. He is safe in his bed, in the house, in the Mindscape, and he is going to sleep and he is going to be fine. 

He is not going to shrink and shrivel into some cold pathetic mess. He is not going to fall apart under his blankets. He is not going to be overwhelmed by the tidal wave of loneliness and desperation that makes his body scream. 

He is not going to do any of those things. He isn’t. He isn’t. 

When Virgil asks him why he heard something whining inside his room last night, he says it was a new bear cub from the Imagination that he had to take care of.

———

Sometimes Remus wishes he could be more like everybody else and not see as much as he does. 

And that’s not about the weird squirmy thoughts that make him smile when he’s trying to go to sleep. The best lullabies have screams and curses and bloodcurdling images, wouldn’t you agree? And he’s never going to pass up the shadow demons that hover over everyone. The one on Virgil’s shoulders is really cute with its snapping jaws and he’s got a particular interest in Logan’s. It has this long proboscis that sucks the life out of the room. And the noises, are you fucking kidding? The noises are the best bits! Nothing like haunting carousel music late at night to remind you that you’re not alone. 

Sometimes, though…

Remus glares as Roman’s hand twitches for the fourth time. No one else has noticed, because no one else is paying any attention, but Remus notices. And if Roman’s hand twitches one more time, he’s going to cut it off with his chainsaw. 

Well, no, he won’t. He’d never actually do that, mainly ‘cause it would make Roman mad and not the good kind of mad. The kind where he gets all cold and polite and it makes Remus want to claw that statue off of his brother so he can have him back. 

But even his fantasies of cutting Roman’s hand off don’t make him stop glaring because Roman’s hand is still twitching. 

That’s probably a good thing. That means he can still move it. But that means sooner or later it’s going to stop twitching and Remus does not trust his brother enough to trust that. 

Okay, okay, fine, he trusts Roman. Roman is, ugh, good at his job and he keeps them all safe and he makes sure Thomas has a steady source of income which is good. And yeah, okay, Roman is the most fun to play with out of everybody and he can trust that Roman will make sure they both have fun and everything. Yadda yadda, sappy shit, we get it. 

But he doesn’t trust Roman to take care of himself. Not as far as the Kraken can throw him. 

And that’s evidenced by the fact that Roman’s hand just stopped twitching. 

Remus glares at it as though that will make it start moving again. It should, if it knows what’s good for it, but it won’t. He knows it won’t. Because Roman can’t move it anymore now. 

He turns his glare toward the others, who aren’t even looking at Roman anymore. 

He seethes. 

Sometimes he wishes Roman weren’t so clever. 

Now, most people who know Thomas know that his neuros are not the most typical, but what they don’t know is that each of the individual Sides has their own not-so-typical neuros. Some of them are obvious, like Virgil over there with his big spiky Anxiety, but some of them aren’t. And some of them are really, really annoying because Remus can’t even see them. 

He gets some help now and then with the whole turn-of-phrase thing. Thanks to the Imagination and Logan’s tendency to take things literally, some things get visualized a lot easier than other things. Hence the reason Janus wears a cloak and has twenty extra pairs of pants. 

Wow, he’s feeling expository today, isn’t he?

He shakes it off and goes back to glaring at Roman’s stupid hand that’s a fucking traitor to the arm it’s attached to and as stupidly self-sacrificing as Roman is himself. He wants it to move. It needs to move, now, please. 

It lies dead at Roman’s side. 

Which means Remus has to wait. 

He does, barely, all but vibrating in place as Logan drones on about…something, and Patton responds with something nauseatingly earnest and Virgil quips back at for the love of good fuck, how do these people have the same argument every goddamn day? Remus is bored just thinking about it. 

Finally, finally, the conversation comes to an end and everybody starts sinking out. He jumps forward and grabs onto Roman before he fully disappears. 

“Remus!”

“Hey, Ro-bro,” Remus says, sinking them straight to Roman’s room and latching his arms tightly around his waist, “it’s cuddle time.”

“Wh—Remus, I have work to do!”

“No, you don’t.” Remus tightens his grip stubbornly as Roman tries to pry him off. “You’re fine. You just got to the end of your projects. You can relax now.”

Roman pauses. “Why…how do you know my schedule?”

“Because I do. Now it’s cuddle time. That’s what time it is.”

His heart in his throat, Remus clings on as Roman twists and turns and sighs. He’s still only using one hand. If Roman uses both hands to pry him off, he’ll count it as a win and leave him alone. He just has to use more than one hand. He just has to get that other hand to work. 

But then Roman stills. 

Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you fucking dare, you absolute bastard. 

“Okay, Remus,” Roman says softly, too fucking softly, “cuddle time it is.”

Remus grits his teeth but snaps his fingers, changing them into softer clothes as Roman moves them to the bed. He sprawls out on top of his brother, tucking his head over his shoulder as Roman settles underneath him. 

“There,” Roman murmurs, the hand that’s working coming up to scratch at his scalp, “is that better?”

No, Remus thinks, but he reaches for Roman’s traitor hand and picks it up. It hangs there, limp and useless, as he pulls it to his face. 

Roman shudders underneath him and he holds on tighter. 

Don’t run away from me, Roro. Let me look after you because no one else will do it. 

When Roman slowly relaxes, his other hand falling to his side, Remus carefully rubs his cheek against the lifeless hand and cradles it in his. 

“R-Re—“

“If you weren’t so stubborn,” he says, “I wouldn’t have to trap you to let me do this.”

Roman flinches. “Sorry—“

“It was a joke,” he says quickly, squeezing Roman’s hand, “I don’t mind.”

Slowly, methodically, he starts to try and massage the feeling back into the hand. It lies useless against him, even as Roman’s breathing hitches and stutters. The reassurances are clumsy as they roll off his tongue but they seem to do the trick as Roman swallows. 

“…it’s cold, Re.”

Despite himself, the slight tremor that Roman finally allowed himself to make has Remus shivering, reaching for Roman’s thick blankets and pulling them over them. Darkness closes itself over their heads, Roman’s breath warming the top of Remus’s head. He continues to work, patiently getting the feeling back into Roman’s hand. 

After who knows how long, it twitches. 

Remus pauses. 

Slowly, so slowly, Roman’s hand wraps around his and squeezes. 

“…thank you, Remus.”

Remus rubs his nose across Roman’s knuckles. “Anytime.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

———

Janus finds himself in the position of being someone who doesn’t know something and he decides that this is perfectly acceptable. 

For starters, he’s supposed to be the one sneaking around and trying to bridge the gap between Light and Dark. He’s supposed to be the one whispering words of cooperating and testing things out. So why is Remus stealing his thunder? 

Remus isn’t exactly subtle, the man’s idea of a hidden trap is a bear trap laid in the middle of the living room floor, perfectly placed to have the maximum radius for shoving someone into it. And he certainly doesn’t know why Remus has a series of scars around his right calf from where he forgot that there was, oh, I don’t know, a massive bear trap in the living room?

He digresses. 

He’s been making some progress, sure. Logan is an excellent conversation partner, after all, when he’s not yoked by those stubborn tendrils of morality Patton insists on winding around all of them. And Logan was never one to actively oppose him, only to hold on to a little bit of resentment when Janus shuttles him to the, er, sidelines of whatever argument is going on. But he’s apologized for that, and Logan has made it clear he doesn’t hold too much of a grudge. So it’s all fine and dandy. 

Now, the others…are proving to be a little more difficult. 

In an ironic twist—one that he should be able to appreciate but can’t because it’s directed at him—the ones that he predicted would be the most difficult are actually bothering to listen to him. 

Virgil…oh, Virgil. So quick to snap and bark like a feral little junkyard dog…it hadn’t hurt the first time he’d snapped and said they weren’t friends. And then to hear over and over how he shouldn’t be listened to…

It hadn’t been easy, per se, to remember how to shrug off just enough of the masks to make the poor thing see that he wasn’t going to hurt him. 

And Patton, well, that was supposed to be hard. They were supposed to disagree, their very functions contradicted each other. But then the wedding happened and the fallout had rocked the entire foundations of the Mindscape and, well…never let it be said that Patton was unreasonable. 

Which, of course, brings him to Roman. 

Janus sighs, rubbing his temples and shaking his head. If Virgil is a feral dog, snapping and biting when he feels threatened, Roman is a little pup, shivering and shaking and trying so, so hard not to be afraid. He can hear all the lies buffeting about the prince’s ears and he’s sure Virgil can hear all the anxieties buzzing in his head. Is it the fact that he’s the Ego that makes him so afraid or so compliant? Is it the fact that Creativity is so inextricably linked with all of them that he has to listen to them even when he doesn’t want to? 

But no, there’s listening and then there’s Roman, who needed only the littlest push before he toppled over the edge and lost himself in the show. 

Janus winces. He…could’ve handled that better, perhaps. 

But see, now, herein lies the problem. If Roman were receptive to his ideas to begin with, what on earth will he be like now? Janus hasn’t exactly ingratiated himself to the prince, and even if the rest of them are on slightly better terms, it isn’t like Roman will fall in line just because everyone else says he should. 

…except he will. 

Janus takes another sip of his tea and closes his eyes. 

Roman…oh, Roman, what have we done to you?

As much as Patton appears to be the most selfless of all of them, he knows it’s Roman who shoves his own wants and needs down so far it looks as if everything he does for them is his own desires. 

Which is why he’s certain he’s missing something. 

Janus furrows his brow, thinking. 

Roman is hurt. Remus is angry. They leave. When they return, Remus is less angry and Roman is less hurt. They must be helping each other, but why would Remus being less angry mean Roman is less hurt?

Is Remus angry because Roman is hurt?

But then why would they fight so much all the time? By all accounts, they don’t like each other. They argue and fight the loudest out of any of them, they are created to be the opposite sides of the same coin, destined to never meet in the middle. 

Janus shakes his head and opens his eyes.

He’s getting distracted. He needs to focus. 

He gets to his feet and fetches a notebook, scribbling something down. In order to proceed with his plan, he needs to get Roman on his side. In order to do that, he needs to make it up to him after all he’s done to hurt him. And in order to do that, he needs to understand why Roman is screaming at himself almost every time he sees him. 

Then he can get back to work.

———

Remus shoves him into a bear trap as soon as the meeting is over. 

“Remus!” Janus struggles to get up but Remus sits on his chest. “What are you doing? Let me up!”

“Why were you staring at Roman?”

Janus blinks, looking up to see Remus’s face is entirely serious. “What?”

“You were staring at Roman the whole meeting.” Remus doesn’t blink for ten seconds, twenty seconds, thirty seconds. “Why were you staring at him?”

“Perhaps I suddenly realized how attractive he is,” Janus hisses, “why did you shove me into a bear trap?”

“Because you were staring at Roman and you only ever stare at Roman when you think it’s going to get you something.”

When did Remus get so perceptive? 

“I’ll ask you again,” and oh, dear, Remus’s voice is getting colder, that’s not good, “why were you staring at Roman?”

The truth twists painfully around his tongue and he sighs. “Because of what I could hear.”

Remus waits. When it’s clear that isn’t enough to get Janus out of the bear trap, he sighs again. 

“Do you know what Roman was saying to himself for that whole meeting?”

Remus shakes his head. 

“He was repeating the words ‘no, bad, shut up, wrong, be passive.’ Over and over and over. Every time he almost opened his mouth, he’d say it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, Remus,” he snaps, “maybe that’s why I was staring at him, to try and figure it out.”

“Why?” 

“I just said—“

“No,” Remus says sharply, cutting him off, “why do you care?”

Janus stares up at him, mouth open. Gone is the manic glee from Remus’s normal expression, gone are the lilts and slides of his voice. Instead, he stares down at him with the most stoic expression he’s ever seen. 

“Why do you care about Roman,” Remus repeats, the bear trap still digging into Janus’s leg, “and why should I believe you?”

Unbidden, he scoffs. “What is this, an interrogation?”

“Yes.”

“Remus, this is ridiculous, let me go—“

“You are in a position to seriously hurt my brother and I’m not going to let you,” Remus interrupts, “so yes. This is an interrogation. Now tell me why you care.”

Janus’s eyes widen. 

Oh. 

Oh. 

Oh, no. 

Slowly, so, so slowly, slow enough that Remus could reach out and stop him, he takes off his gloves. Remus watches him closely until his hands are laid flat by his head. 

“I want to help,” he manages, “I just want to help.”

Remus nods. “Why?”

“…is that not enough?”

Remus leans his weight harder on the bear trap and Janus winces. 

“I haven’t apologized,” he manages, “and I…I want to.”

“So why not just apologize?”

“Because he won’t believe me.”

“Mm. I don’t see why he should.”

“I’m trying,” Janus hisses, “I am, but I know that even if he does believe me, that won’t fix it!”

Remus tilts his head. “Fix what?”

Janus closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Remus waits. Finally, he opens his eyes again. 

“I’ve hurt Roman,” he says carefully, “very badly. I…continue to hurt Roman because it’s what I know how to do.”

Remus nods. Janus swallows the defense that springs to his tongue and continues. 

“But I don’t want to hurt Roman. I don’t want to hurt Thomas’s Ego. I don’t want to hurt Thomas.”

“So that’s why you think you can do that by not hurting Roman?”

Janus groans in frustration. “No, I…I…”

Why is the truth so hard?

“Roman is hurting and I want to fix it because it feels bad,” he manages eventually. 

“So you feel guilty about how badly you’ve hurt Roman and you want to make him feel better so you’ll stop hurting?”

Janus flinches but doesn’t deny it. Remus just hums. Janus shifts. “That’s not the only reason.”

“No?” Janus shakes his head. “Then what else?”

“No one else is doing it.”

Remus frowns. “Huh?”

“No one else is helping him,” Janus blurts out, glaring up at Remus, “no one else is doing a damn thing! I can feel it every time he lies and he’s hurt, Remus! And they’re not doing anything about it!”

Remus raises an eyebrow at the outburst, but doesn’t disagree. Janus pants, trying to pry himself from the bear trap again when Remus reaches out and rests a hand on his head. 

“…Remus?”

“Did you know that no one would help him?”

“What?”

“When you hurt him,” Remus repeats, “did you do it because you knew no one would help him?”

Janus’s heart clenches. Remus glares down at him. 

“Because to me, that sounds like you trying to fix a problem that you made while knowing full well it’ll make Roman grow dependent on you because he thinks you care.”

“Maybe I do,” Janus snarls, surging up to meet him, “maybe you don’t get the monopoly on caring about Roman just because the others don’t seem to want to try. And maybe you should get off your high horse about it because I do care.”

Silence. 

Then Remus slowly smiles. “There you are.”

“Was that really necessary?”

“When it comes to you? Yes.” 

“Does that mean you’ll help me out of this bear trap now?”

“No—“

“Remus!”

“—but I will give you something else.”

Janus stills, looking up at him. “What?”

“RSD.”

“RS what?”

“RSD. Look it up.” He stands. “Then watch Roman next time.”

He sinks out as Janus starts to struggle out of the bear trap, wondering what on earth Remus could be talking about and what it has to do with Roman.

———

No, bad, shut up, wrong, be passive. 

“I’m just saying, I don’t understand why we’re going with this plot.”

No, bad, shut up, wrong, be passive.

“It seems a bit derivative, I agree. Perhaps another draft would be better.”

No, bad, shut up, wrong, be passive. 

“There’s nothing here that’s really original, kiddo. Isn’t this just what we did last time?”

No, bad, shut up, wrong, be passive.

“I don’t see what the point is of doing a video that we’ve done before.”

“Well, Q&A’s are a staple of content. It’s a good way to update the fanbase on the progress of the characters and the world in a format that’s familiar.”

Why did you say something? Haven’t you learned to keep your mouth shut?

“If they need to be updated in such a clumsy way, perhaps they haven’t been paying enough attention.”

“That’s…kinda belittling, isn’t it?”

“Quite. If they need to be spoon-fed information, then we shouldn’t encourage their lack of media literacy.”

Just be quiet. Be quiet, shut up, be passive—

“Aren’t you the one who said they wouldn’t feel belittled if we treated their time as valuable?”

“That was in an entirely different context, though I’m not surprised you got them confused. That was in reference to releasing content in a timely fashion, not about insulting their comprehension abilities.”

Shut up, shut up, just shut up and stay quiet—

“But Q&A’s offer a unique insight that isn’t offered in the main story episodes, it’s a way to tie up loose ends, answer some lingering questions—“

“I’d hope so, it is called a ‘questions and answers,’ isn’t it?”

“And it can’t be that unique, kiddo, we’ve done them before.”

“That does speak more to your skills as a storyteller, then, if such explicit and direct answers addressing the audience directly are required.”

Bad, bad, bad, bad. Wrong. Shut up. Be passive. 

Roman swallows and nods. If he just stays quiet, he can tune this out and it’ll be over and he can run back to his room and he’ll be fine. Just stay quiet. Just don’t say anything else. 

But they keep being wrong about why he wants to do this idea and if he can just explain—

No. He just makes everything worse when he tries to explain it. He just needs to shut up and stay quiet and everything will be fine. 

But if he can just—

No. No. Be quiet. 

His hands hurt. 

Good. Focus on that instead. Just don’t say anything else. 

Now his wrists are hurting too. 

Just let them lie by the side, no one’s looking at them anyway, they don’t need to move right now. Just let them hurt and shut up and be passive. It’ll be over quicker. 

It hurts. 

The others’ voices are getting quieter. Almost there. 

It really hurts. 

No bruises, remember? No bruises. They can’t see what they’re doing is hurting. Then that makes everything worse. Just be quiet and let it hurt quietly and don’t be a bother. 

…

…

…ow. 

“Well, I think that’s as good as we’re going to get today.”

Roman blinks. How long has it been? What’s happened?

“Roman, does that work for you?”

He nods, without knowing what it is he agreed to, and stretches a smile across his face. Logan nods. 

“Good. Then we’re agreed.”

Patton sighs. “Gosh, that was a tough one!”

“I’ll say,” Virgil mutters, “but at least we got to a conclusion.”

“Roman, do you think you could have the list of movies drawn up for tonight as well?”

“I’ll do it,” Remus says quickly, “it’s my week anyway.”

“Oh,” Logan says, “that works too. Shall we go over the trigger list now?”

Remus glances at him and Roman nods, quickly. 

“Sure.”

The two of them sink out as Patton and Virgil head toward the kitchen. He can go now. He doesn’t have to stay here. He can go to his room and he’ll be fine. 

…why can’t he move?

His hands hurt, his arms hurt, he—he needs to move, he doesn’t want to be here anymore, he—

“Roman,” comes another voice, “will you come sit with me while we wait for dinner?”

He’s nodding before he has the chance to realize what’s going on. His body moves on autopilot, going over to the couch and sitting down. Only when the other person sits next to him does he realize it’s Janus. 

Oh. 

Oh, dear. 

Okay, no, he can do this. Just be quiet, don’t move, don’t say anything. 

Movement. He looks down to see one of Janus’s hands reaching for his. The yellow of the glove hovers over where his left hand lies limply in his lap. 

“Can I borrow this?”

He nods warily, turning his head to watch Janus carefully pick up his hand and move it to his lap. One hand cups Roman’s limp one as Janus runs his fingers over Roman’s palm. The touch burns, the lingering hurt sparking in its wake. He inhales sharply as Janus begins to…to…

Why is Janus massaging his hand? Why is he cradling it in his lap like it’s something precious? Why…what’s going on?

Janus looks up at him after a few moments, still rubbing his thumb along Roman’s hand. Roman looks back at him, hopelessly confused, only to blink at the open concern on Janus’s face. 

“It hurts,” Janus murmurs, only for Roman’s ears, “doesn’t it?”

Roman nods. Janus lets out a soft noise, cupping Roman’s hand between his. 

“Does this help?”

Another nod, warier this time, only for Janus to smile gently and continue his ministrations. The fabric of the gloves is a little rough, tingling along Roman’s palm but it…it doesn’t hurt. The cold pain still aches in his fingers but as Janus works patiently, it starts to fade. 

Janus keeps his eyes on him, noting where he twitches and sighs and when his shoulders tense and relax. When a light trace of fingers across his palm makes him flinch, he quirks an eyebrow. 

“Ticklish?” At Roman’s nod, he switches tactics, covering Roman’s hand with his and rubbing firmly with his thumb. “Better?”

“Mhm.”

“Good.”

They stay like that, Janus caring for Roman’s useless hand and Roman growing hopelessly confused until Patton and Virgil call them for dinner. Janus gets up first, offering Roman’s hand one last squeeze before they make their way to the table. Roman looks down at his hand and carefully tries to move it. 

It responds. 

He hastens to the table and sits, Remus on his left, Janus on his right, riding the quiet exhilaration that his hand will actually move and respond to him. Sure, it’s just one, but that means he can eat. 

When the food is served and a low hubbub of conversation starts, there’s another flash of movement out of the corner of his eye. He looks down to see Janus’s second pair of hands reaching for his other hand. 

“May I,” Janus asks softly, too softly to be heard over the chatter, “borrow this one too?”

Roman takes a deep breath and nods. 

Janus smiles and takes his hand into his lap where a hidden pair of hands proceed to care for it, safely hidden under the table. Roman does his best to focus on the meal, eating with his good hand as his bad lingers in Janus’s hold. 

Slowly, so slowly, the cold pit begins to retreat. Aches still linger in his wrists, under his throat, but as he eats, his chest grows lighter. The world begins to fade back in around him, anchored by the gentle touch on his limp and aching hand. 

In the midst of this, he doesn’t notice the look Janus and Remus exchange, nor does he see how protectively Janus guards the hand in his lap. 

Instead, Roman eats and allows himself to be selfish, just this once.

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[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

No Business Like Show Business | Part Three

Series Summary: you work backstage at a theatre and become close with the star of the show (who you may also have a slight crush on)

Pairing: James McAvoy x reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: not proof read 🙈

A/N: ugh im sorry it takes me so long to write each part of this story, writers block is a bitch. Feel free to substitute James for any actor of your choosing. Also, spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :)

Part Two | Masterlist

- - - - -

If you’d have told me five years ago that one day I’d be working in a professional west end theatre alongside some of the countries best actors and actresses, I’d have been amazed. Add on that I would get to meet James McAvoy, and actually be his friend… well my inner teenager is fan-girling HARD.

James has been spending a lot of time with me in the props room lately. He sits and learns his lines while I sit and make the props. Sometimes we talk and laugh, other times we sit comfortably in each others company as we silently get on with our jobs.

I think he’s just happy to get away from Anastasia to be honest. I know its unprofessional to speak badly about the people you work with, especially if they’re one of the ‘stars’, but she is unbearable. On the rare occasion she actually chooses to acknowledge my existence, she insists on calling me ‘props girl’ and refuses to learn my name. James always gives me an apologetic look, even though its not his fault.

I don't know what her problem is with me. I’m just going to get on with my work and stay out of her way.

— — — —

As you take the familiar route through the theatre corridors and down to the basement, you’re surprised to find the props room door already open. ‘Vera?’ you think to yourself as you slowly approach the door. ‘Finally got her’ you smirk, preparing yourself before jumping into the room.

“Caught you! Step away from the tin- oh!” You stop as you find James sat on one of the chairs, his script on the table in front of him. He holds his hands up in fake surrender.

“I’m innocent I swear”

“Sorry, I thought you were Vera. She’s been sneaking in here and stealing my biscuits.” You explain and James laughs. “You’re here early today aren’t you?”

“Yeah, we’re rehearsing a difficult scene today so I wanted to get in and study the lines before.”

“How’s that going?” You say, dumping your bag and looking over his shoulder at the pages of dialogue in front of him.

“Eh, not good. I just can’t get this scene right.” He says looking down at his script in defeat then back at you. “Hey would you mind running through the lines with me? If you're not too busy?”

“Sure, yeah I can do that.”

“Great!” he says pulling out the other chair from under the desk and gesturing for you to sit.

As you sit he riffles through his script looking for a specific page and hands it to you. You stare at it, suddenly feeling very anxious. You hated reading aloud anyway, but reading a scene with a professional actor made you feel a whole new level of dread.

What if you mess up the words?

What if you lose your place on the page and can’t find it again?

How are you supposed to read it? Just like read the words off the page or is he expecting you to actually act it out?

You've never acted before, you're probably terrible at it and he’s going to think you're pathetic.

Why did you agree to this?

He must have noticed the panic in your eyes because he suddenly reaches out to put his hand on yours.

“Don't worry, this isn't an audition or anything. I won't judge you. I just need someone to say the other characters lines so that I can practice mine. But if you really don't want to do it I completely understand.” He flashes you a smile that instantly reassures you.

“It’s fine, I can do it.” You say, more to yourself than to James.

“Thank you.” You both smile as he squeezes your hand and nods to signal that he’s about to start the scene.

It was a passionate argumentative scene between two lovers. James delivered his lines perfectly, as you expected he would. You started off a bit slow, stumbling here and there but with James acting his lines out with such realism you felt yourself getting sucked into the scene so much that before you knew it you naturally started acting out the lines too.

Throughout the scene the argument gets less angry and more passionate. By the end of the scene you and James are both out of your seats standing so close together that your faces are inches apart. His hand is cupping your face, thumb gently stroking your lips as he’s staring hungrily at them. You're heart is beating so loud in your chest you think he can probably hear it too. Then suddenly he breaks away, and you stand there trying to regulate your breathing.

“And that’s where the characters will have their kiss, which we haven’t rehearsed yet so we’ll stop there.” He takes the script back from you and smiles. “Well done Y/N, you’re a natural! You should be on that stage instead of hiding down here underneath it.” He says and you laugh “I mean it Y/N, I really feel like there’s something there. Have you done any acting before?”

“As a kid, yeah I took classes and I loved it. It was all I ever thought about for a while, being on stage. It just never worked out”

“Why not?”

“Because I grew up-”

“You don't want do that” he interrupts with a smile.

“-and I became painfully aware of other people’s opinions.”

“Now you definitely don't want to do that.”

“Yeah well I do! I know I shouldn’t care, but that’s easier said than done.”

“At some point you’ve got to stop living your life in fear of what people might think, and just start living. The truth is people will form opinions of you no matter what you do, so you may as well do the things that you want.” He pauses, studying your face. “and if anyone judges you, fuck ‘em… not literally I mean, that’s not great advice-”

“No I know what you mean” you both laugh. “Thank you James”

There’s a comfortable silence as the two of you look at each other, smiling. James glances behind you to the clock on the wall, his eyes widen.

“Shit! I need to go, I’m supposed to at rehearsal!” He heads to the door “thank you for reading with me.”

“It’s fine, anytime.”

“See you around superstar.” He winks before disappearing out the room.

You stand there for a moment, replaying what just happened in your head. He was about to kiss you, right? I definitely felt that way. You didn’t imagine that.

You shake the thoughts from your head and refocus your mind on getting your work done.

— — — —

At lunch you make your way to the wardrobe department.

“Fancy a coffee date?” You ask cheerfully as you walk through the door, looking down at your phone.

“Are you buying?” an unexpected voice replies and you look up to find an almost naked James standing on a stool in his underwear.

“Sorry!” You say, quickly covering your eyes. “I thought you were-“

“Vera?” He says at the same time as you “This keeps happening. You do know that me and Vera look nothing alike?” He jokes and you laugh awkwardly.

“Where is she?”

“She just gone to the storeroom, she should be back any minute. At least I hope she will, I’m getting cold.” He laughs. There’s a brief silence. “You can look at me you know? I don’t mind.”

Slowly you drop your hand from your eyes and tentatively look up at him. He flashes you a smile which you return. There’s another small silence as you look at each other, but the silence is interrupted when Vera returns. She looks between you and James before giving you a cheeky look that makes you have to suppress a laugh.

“Hello my lovely, what brings you to the wardrobe department?” She says as she wraps some fabric around James torso and marks various measurements.

“I was just looking for you actually. Wondered if you wanted to come to the coffee shop with me for lunch?”

“That’s a brilliant idea! Will you be joining us James?” She asks and he looks surprised.

“If thats alright with you..?” He replies, looking at you but Vera responds.

“Of course it is dear. I tell you what, why don't you get dressed and go with Y/N to get us a table while I finished up here.” She says as she hands James his clothes.

“We can wait for you-“ you begin but Vera cuts you off.

“Nonsense. You two go on ahead and I’ll join you.”

— — — —

“She’s not coming” you say as you read the text message on your phone. “She said she’s sorry but she’s suddenly got a lot of work to do and said to have a nice lunch without her.” You put your phone back in your pocket and look across the table at James.

“Guess it’s just you and me” he smiles.

There’s a silence as you both takes sips of your coffee.

“So, how did the rehearsal go?” You ask.

“Really good! Although I have to say I preferred having you as my scene partner.” He says with a wink.

“Careful, if Anastasia heard you say that she’d probably have me fired.” You say with a small laugh.

“Nah, she’s harmless really. She talks like she’s the most important person in the room but in reality she knows she’s just as replaceable as the rest of us. Just ignore her. She’s only a bitch to you because she’s jealous.”

“Jealous?!” You laugh in disbelief as you look down at your coffee “Of me? I don't think so.”

“Why wouldn’t she be? You're kind, funny…” he pauses and you look up at him “…beautiful… People like you a lot Y/N and Ana can’t stand it when there’s someone else in the room that people like more than they like her. So rather than try to make herself better, she tries to make the other person worse. The best thing you can do is just carry on being your wonderful self.”

“Thanks” you say quietly, feeling awkward from all the compliments. You find yourself looking down at your coffee again as you twirl the cup in your hands. Suddenly James reaches across the table and places his hand gently on your forearm, causing you to look up at him again. His face is closer now.

“I mean it Y/N, I’m not just saying this to make you feel good. You really are a wonderful person. I’m so glad I got this job, because it meant I got to I meet you.”

You feel cheeks getting hotter as James’ brilliant blue eyes gaze into yours.

‘Is this really happening?’  You think as James seems to be slowly getting closer to you across the table ‘Am I really about to kiss James McAvoy?’

A flash of light catches your attention and you turn to see a man stood at the coffee shop window with a camera covering his face. It flashes again and you realise he’s taking photos of the two of you. James sits back in his chair and looks at you, a mix of sadness and irritation on his face.

“I’m sorry but we’re gonna have to leave now. If he knows where we are then its only a mater of time before more paparazzi leeches turn up and if we don't get out of here before they arrive… well its just not a situation I want to put you in.”

You finish the last bit of your coffee and follow James as he heads to the door. Already there’s a few more people with cameras waiting outside and a small crowd of people who had been passing by and stopped to see what the happening.

“Stay close to me” James says as he puts his arm around you, lifting his jacket in the process to shield your face from the flashing of the cameras as you walked out of the shop.

The second you both stepped out of the cafe the cameras started flashing and excited shouts erupted from the crowd as people realised who the paps were here for.

“James over here!”

“A smile for the camera?”

“How’s the show going?”

“Is it true you're dating your co-star?"

“Who the girl James?”

“Are you cheating on Anastasia?”

You had no idea how many people were crowded around you now, though it sounded like a lot. While the jacket over your head did a good job of keeping you hidden, it also meant you couldn’t see where you were going. But you didn’t feel scared. You kept your eyes down fixed on your feet as you walked and trusted James as he lead you. The coffee shop was only around the corner from the theatre so you knew you wouldn’t have long to go.

You come to a stop and hear the sound of a door opening. You walk through and as it closes behind you, James removes his jacket off you. He looks at you with worry.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Are you alright?” You ask and he just nods and sighs.

“I’m so sorry you got dragged into that.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m just sorry you can’t even go for a coffee without people hassling you.”

“Downside of the job.” He shrugs and gives you a small sad smile. He reaches out and smooths your hair. “My jacket messed up your hair… you're still beautiful though.”

His hand moves down to gently stroke your face and stops on your cheek. He searches your eyes, as if looking for your permission before leaning to press his lips against yours.

 Part Four

Taglist: @halfofwhatisayismeaningless​ @internetgremlin-reads​

[dilukha]

Here I see a countless "how herbivores are opressed" and "how carnivores are opressed posts, and while usually they get uncomfortably too close to paralleling each to a real instance of opression (i see herbivores' opression compared to gender and carnivores to race a lot, for instance), which is not really possible due to the nature of herbivore/carnivore dynamics in the actual text, i do largely agree with a lot of the points. However, a thing I really dislike is how in these posts the struggles of one side are always used to negate the struggles of the other. I don't actually think the point of the manga is "are herbivores or carnivores the ones who have it worse", but rather how these conflicts clash in a way that pushes society's entire narrative.

I think one of the best things about Beastars is how it allows us to analyze some things about our on society without being a complete parallel to it, and how it presents the unique perspectives of each of the characters. In every one of them, we are shown how society at large has affected their sense of self-worth and put them into a box.

For carnivores, their opression is largely focused on society's refusal of adapting to their needs and forcing them into submission to create a more friendly and palatable image. Not only meat-eating instincts are incredibly hard to supress, specially under emotional turmoil or stress, but they're even asked to literlly hide their fangs and claws. I think Riz is the character that represents that opression in the best way. The society he lives in is simply not made for him (breaking things is not unusual), but instead of large-scale adaptation process that help make bears' lives easier, they're forced to take pills with terrible physical AND psychological side-effects that don't even solve the problem to its full extent. Easy solutions that don't account for the roots of each problem are an emblem of the narrative. That's true in the case of bears but it softly extends to every other carnivore, who live in fear of hurting or even killing the very second control is lost, which is something society at large completely fails to adress.

On the other hand, herbivores are characterized by their fear of dying. And it really isn't too prejudiced, it's a completely real and justified fear. You are as likely to be killed by a random carnivore in the street as you are to be killed by a carnivore that actively likes you and enjoys your company. There's no winning scenario other than mantaining your distance. And while it's true that some herbivores have a superior class standing, that goes mostly to middle-sized ones like deer and horses. Small herbivores have none of that privilege, and their lives are seen as expendable - especially in the case of Haru, who is one of the best herbivore narratives imo. There's also the fact that society puts most of their worth in their bodies, both sexually (like Cosmo, who is seeked out by carnivores for that exact reason) and as products (like the cows being exploited for their milk). As a result, specially small herbivores rarely have any authority at all.

I think the best way to explain how their opression goes both sides is with predation cases. Let's take Tem's death for example. His death is manufactured by the media to spread fear-mongering and vitriol against carnivores, and carnivores close to the incident are much more likely to receive bad treatment. However, this doesn't actually come with any benefit to herbivores. The authorities made zero effort to actually investigate Tem's death. Riz did absolutely nothing to actually clean up the scene or his tracks and even Pina acknowledges that catching him should have been ridiculously easy, yet they did nothing. The incident was used to increase conflict between species without addressing the root causes of it.

And it's seen time and time again. The mayor refuses to do anything about Haru being *literally* kidnapped and having her life in danger simply because it might put his image and management under a bad light. Yahya uses his power and influence to get what he wants (cough murder juice), and what he actually does for society (catching criminals) doesn't actually do anything to solve the root causes of those issues, because conflict benefits him. It is "those in power" who can feed from the vitriol in society. And "those in power" cannot be pinned on one or the other either, because just as the company owners with influence over the economy are mostly herbivores, the police who violently enforce society's rules and enjoy positions of power are carnivores.

That's why I don't think that what it is to be taken from the manga is as easy as "carnivores are the most opressed" or "herbivores are the most opressed", but rather "carnivores' and herbivores' opression is used to manufacture conflict in a way that benefits those in power and perpetuates the status quo".

[shanastoryteller]

Wen Qing says yes because all she can think of is the consequences if she doesn’t.

She probably should have spent some time considering what, exactly, the consequences of saying yes would be.

~

Wei Wuxian wants to go back to the banquet and shake Jin Zixun until the information they need falls out, but Wen Qing knows that’s a terrible idea, knows that he shouldn’t be helping her at all but he definitely shouldn’t stand in front of the whole cultivation world and threaten the Jin family for her. He asks one of the servants instead, something she wouldn’t have thought to do, but he insists that servants know everything and after a hefty bribe he’s telling them what they need to know and even turns a blind eye when they take a horse that’s been left unattended.

She’s skinny on a good day and she hasn’t seen a good day in a long time. Wei Wuxian didn’t used to be this thin, this breakable, but he is now, and she tells herself it’s a good thing because the one horse is easily able to carry both of them. He sits behind her even though he takes the reigns and she leans back into him because she’s been holding herself up for so long and she’s tired and he’s helping her, something no one has been willing to in – ever, really. She thinks she could almost count his ribs against her back and thinks if she’s alive tomorrow she’ll give him a lecture about eating properly without a golden core to nourish him.

They arrive just as a guard is raising a broken flag pole above his head to skewer A-Ning.

Wei Wuxian stops him, using a talisman to bind the man’s wrist to his own and jerking him away from her brother. Who is alive, and whole, and does not have a pole through his stomach. She’s crying when she holds him and Wei Wuxian stands between them and everyone else and looks at the guards and her people and says, “I have an idea. It’s a bad idea.”

“Your ideas usually are,” she says, but she’s still shaking at having her little brother back in her arms so it doesn’t come out as acerbic as she intended.

~

It is a terrible idea. She doesn’t have to agree to it.

She does.

They go to the nearest temple in Lanling because they need witnesses for this. The monks are confused and frightened but bear witness as she bows three times to Wei Wuxian and is bowed to three times in return.

She is exhausted and scared and is still unconvinced that she’ll live to see the sunrise, but Wei Wuxian had helped her when she hadn’t asked and saved her brother and wouldn’t let the guards stop them from leading her family from the work camp, so she marries him.

~

They go back to Koi Tower. It’s terrifying but Jiang disciples meet them and look askance at all the rest of them but don’t hesitate to obey Wei Wuxian. They surround them as they walk and if they have opinions about being told to guard traitorous Wen, they don’t voice them. Maybe the fact that they’re guarding Wei Wuxian too is enough.

They enter the banquet hall and everything is silent. She doesn’t know how to read the look on everyone’s faces and she doesn’t try. Instead she stands by Wei Wuxian’s side and does what she does best – she doesn’t flinch.

“Wei Wuxian!” Jin Guangshan shouts, appalled. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Sect Leader Jin,” he says, offhand, casual, as if having his hall filled with Wen is a perfectly ordinary occurrence. “You’re so good at throwing parties. I was hoping you would throw one for me.”

Jin Guangshan’s eyes narrow. “Why would we throw a party?”

“Well, it is my wedding day,” he says, and holds out his hand. Wen Qing places her hand in his, lets his other hand settle warm and proprietary at the small of her back. “My wife, Wen Qing. We were just married at the temple in Lanling. Feel free to question the monks if you don’t believe me.”

The silence breaks, everyone shouting now, and A-Yuan’s cry cuts through all of them.

She hadn’t known that Wei Wuxian had any experience with children, but he turns automatically, opening his arms, and Granny barely hesitates before placing A-Yuan into them. After all, if they can’t trust Wei Wuxian, they’re all dead anyway.

A-Yuan, astonishingly, quiets instantly as Wei Wuxian bounces him in his arms, settling his head on his shoulder and sticking his thumb in his mouth.

“You,” Wen Qing turns, sees Jiang Cheng looking between them, and she could probably read the look on his face but she doesn’t want to. “He’s your – you have a – was it when we, after Lotus Pier?”

She and Wei Wuxian glance at each other, and maybe this marriage will work out, because that one glance contains a whole conversation of things they can’t say. The timeline almost works. A-Yuan likely was conceived sometime around the fall of Lotus Pier. If there is a child, Wei Wuxian’s actions become more understandable, seem less like an act of war and something closer to what they really are, an act of love.

She could have, she supposes, laid with Wei Wuxian and gotten pregnant and bore a child in the years since they’ve seen each other. She didn’t, but the only ones who know that are either dead or just as desperate as she is for this to work.

Or. Well.

Jiang Yanli’s face is easier to look at, even as it does something complicated then smooths. She was there and awake while they all recovered with her and Wen Ning. She knows that she and Wei Wuxian didn’t have any sort of epic romance, or even a quick tryst, during that time. Wei Wuxian was so obsessively focused on helping his brother that the idea he’d have paused long enough for sex when he hadn’t for sleep or food is ridiculous. But Jiang Yanli meets her gaze then pointedly lowers her eyes and something like relief trickles down Wen Qing’s spine.

Wei Wuxian looks around the hall and if he hesitates over Lan Wangji, that’s a conversation for them to have later, if there is a later.

“Sect Leader Jiang,” Wei Wuxian says quietly, formally, and Jiang Cheng nearly flinches before catching himself. “Meet my son. Wei Yuan.” He lets that echo through the hall and then says, “I could not leave him, nor the woman who bore him, nor the family that raised him when I remained in ignorance.”

She lowers his gaze as if in shame, for having a child out of marriage, for keeping that child from his father, but mostly she can’t stand to see the look at Jiang Cheng’s face any longer.

~

There is intense debate among the clans. The Lan and surprisingly even the Nie vote against the Jin and agree for the Wen to be released to the custody of the Jiang rather than the Jin. What’s the difference between one great clan and the other, after all, and Jiang Cheng fights for this, fights for them, and Wen Qing knows he’s really fighting for Wei Wuxian. Their marriage makes things too complicated, like they’d hoped. A-Yuan makes things too complicated, and everyone in the hall mostly seems to want to go back to drinking. There is some poorly hidden sentiment that if Wei Wuxian wants a war bride he should be entitled to her, for his contribution to the war, perhaps, and Wen Qing hates these people. They do not call her and her family tribute but they imply it easily enough.

If the price of the lives of her family is her pride, that’s fine. She abandoned that a long time ago.

~

“You have been good for him,” Jiang Yanli tells her a month after they’ve moved into Lotus Pier, a month of being the wife to Wei Wuxian and the mother to the now Wei Yuan. She doesn’t do a particularly good job at either of these roles, she thinks, but Wei Wuxian makes a good husband and a good father and it was his idea but she can’t help but feel guilty, can’t help but think she stole for herself and her family what was meant for someone else.

Her sister in law’s words aren’t wrong, however. She doesn’t let Wei Wuxian drink so much anymore and forces him to eat. She’s there in his bed when he gasps awke from nightmares and when he can do nothing more but clutch his chest and weep. She gets the story of the Burial Mounds from him, eventually, and she doesn’t know how to heal that kind of trauma, but she holds him when he cries and thinks even if she can’t be a proper wife, she can do this, and she heals the damage demonic cultivation does to his meridians, and it seems like such little things, comparatively, but it helps.

She’s offers up the excuse that demonic cultivation makes using his sword difficult and people stop asking him to carry it. A-Ning sticks to Wei Wuxian’s side when she can’t, looking faintly sad whenever Wei Wuxian makes an unhealthy choice, which is even more effective than her scolding, although not as effective as getting A-Yuan to place his chubby hand on Wei Wuxian’s cheek and go, “Baba no.”

Without so many nightmares, with having people around he can talk to freely, with no one pestering him about his sword, Wei Wuxian shoulders all the responsibilities of first disciple and brother of the clan leader, something he apparently hadn’t been able to do before.

She knows what the rumors say. Those that had been against her and her family being set free, relatively speaking, are now patting themselves on the back. Clearly the fearsome Yiling Patriarch has been cowed by marriage. His bastard son, who he loved enough at first sight to legitimize, has softened his sharp edges.

Wen Qing knows that’s all bullshit and Jiang Yanli does too, but.

He is better.

Jiang Cheng can’t seem to decide between being relieved and grateful at having his brother back and resentful that it took Wen Qing to bring it about and – whatever his feelings about her are, and her marriage to his brother are, which she doesn’t know because she refuses to acknowledge them.  

“I’m glad,” she says quietly.

Her sister in law squeezes her hand, and Wen Qing squeezes back, and if this isn’t exactly the life she wanted, well. It’s a life. That’s more than she thought she’d have.

She has a loving husband and an adorable son and living, healthy family. There is nothing for her to complain about.

Just because it all feels stolen, just because it all feels like something she never should have been given, doesn’t make it less good, doesn’t make it less hers.

~

Wen Qing knows that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are in love with each other because she has two functioning eyes. She’s known that since she was a teenager in Cloud Recesses.

She had not wanted to come between them. She hadn’t planned on it. This all hadn’t even been her idea.

She’s guilty enough about it that she ignores her own feelings.

At first, she doesn’t have any, not really. Then it hadn’t been right.

She’s never felt greedy before. She doesn’t like it but she doesn’t know how to stop it.

~

They’ve been married for over a year the first time Wei Wuxian kisses her.

They’ve been married nearly two years the first time Wei Wuxian kisses Lan Wangji.

Something settles in her then, relief burrowing into her bones. Lan Wangji comes to her after, a combination of desirously happy and mortified, and bows to her and looks her in the eye when he tells her that he’s in love with her husband.

“I know,” she says kindly, “he’s easy to love.” She pauses, then says, “I do not mind. If it’s you.”

His lips part, and she holds the place that should be his, married to Wei Wuxian, but.

She can share, if he can. Even if it can’t be official, on paper, she and Wen Ning can bear witness to him and Wei Wuxian bowing to each other and maybe she’ll finally be able to breath when she can give back some of what she stole.

~

There are rumors about the three of them.

They don’t listen to them.

A-Yuan calls Lan Wangji his father and no one corrects him and that’s good enough for her, really.

It’s a good life, and it’s hers, and she’s glad of it.  

[somebody-909]

Stalkyoo - Black and White Formal Romantic Subtext Analysis

The beginning of I Love Yoo up until the Black and White Formal shows the development of Shin-Ae and Yeong-gi's relationship from strangers to reluctant acquaintances and eventually to friends.

Their relationship's development up until the present comic, in my opinion, reaches a peak during the formal arc, where we see both the completed development of their friendship (neither are reluctant) but we also see the fast emergence of new possible romantic feelings. The arc is pivotal in defining and developing their relationship and we continue to see its effects afterwards. So, in order to better understand the two characters' relationship, let's take a look at the key moments in the arc that explore their friendship and romantic tension.

Ep. 49 | Makeup - A Friendly Face and Romantic Tension

Shin-Ae is forced to attend the black and white formal to take care of her father. She is in an incredibly difficult position, with college exams the next day, her father ill, and now having to deal with this incredibly unfamiliar situation and this horrible dress.

When she sees Yeong-gi however, it’s great to see a comforting and familiar presence. We get a chance to see their friendship in this uncomfortable setting when Yeong-gi shows concern for Shin-Ae.

That is not all, however. The makeup panel (which was removed by Quimchee later on, but is included in the mid-season recap), introduces us to the first instance of genuine romantic tension between the two in the arc (and the whole comic up until here, really).

The two are very close together and look at each other softly. Shin-Ae seems to be blushing, as well. This moment is intimate and romantically tense.

This first scene does a great job at introducing the two major dynamics in their relationship that are explored in this arc: their established friendship and new romantic tension. These dynamics lead up to what occurs on the hospital balcony.

Ep. 49-51 | Hands - Distance and Desires

When Yeong-gi gets up to get Shin-Ae food, she reaches for him and grabs onto his sleeve. This panel introduces Shin-Ae's desire to stick with Yeong-gi throughout the night. We understand how comforting she finds it to be near him.

She extends her hand — showing how she is now also "reaching" for him and his companionship.

In Ep. 50, when Yeong-gi is scolded by his father and leaves to wait outside for Alyssa, Shin-Ae notices he seems down from across the floor. And for the first time, she tries to reach him. Up until now, she has been wary of Yeong-gi and his intentions, but now we see that their relationship has truly progressed to real friends. Shin-ae genuinely cares for Yeong-gi. But before she can reach him, she is interrupted by Sang-chul.

In the next episode, we see Yeong-gi respond to her call, reflecting what Shin-Ae did in Ep. 49, and extending his hand back towards her. Both characters' reciprocal desire to connect with each other is shown through their hands.

This scene, where they reach for each other but don't connect, introduces the arc's recurrent motif/theme of DISTANCE. Shin-ae and Yeong-gi want to connect, as they care for each other and find comfort in one another, but because of the circumstances at the party they are torn apart repeatedly.

And despite (literally and figuratively) reaching for each other, neither their hands nor their good intentions (like Shin-ae’s desire to be there for Yeong-gi) actually do reach each other. This repeats a few times in the arc, causing significant tension; due to the obstacles of the events around them, they can’t reach each other despite how much they may want to. As such, readers also feel relief whenever the two characters do manage to get together.

Ep. 55 | The Dance - A Kousuke and Yeong-gi Parallel

Kousuke, while having good intentions, struggles to understand what Shin-Ae wants, and instead goes for what makes sense to him. Yeong-gi, on the other hand, consistently shows an understanding of what would truly help Shin-Ae.

It is certainly true that Kousuke’s method was pragmatic. If the problem is that Shin-Ae feels humiliated and that he is embarrassed by her, what better way to show that he isn’t than by dancing with her in front of everyone? It’s a well-meant gesture that would show that he cares more for her than what others think and regardless of what they think. However, although his intentions were sweet, the outcomes were less so.

Shin-Ae DOES NOT want to dance. A scene that may have been beautiful, is tainted by Shin-Ae's true feelings of discomfort.

The truth is, Shin-Ae doesn’t want to go back in front of them. She doesn’t want to prove something to them. She doesn’t want to dance. But she feels like she has to. She can’t say no. The dance is actually… sad to see. She doesn’t want to be there.

But as she dances and feels terrible, Yeong-gi shows up. She is immediately excited and put at ease but is also worried about him since she hasn't seen him since he left to go outside.

But then Yeong-gi acts a goof. He understands that Shin-Ae doesn’t want to be there, but she has to. Because he understands the feeling of putting on a performance, despite being miserable… he immediately recognizes Shin-Ae's going through that too. So being the lovely friend he is, Yeong-gi goofs around. What better way to make Shin-Ae feel less tense in this too formal environment by reminding her of a friendly presence and doing something hilariously inappropriate? And of course, he knows how to help alleviate some of her discomfort, because they’re friends, after all, right? Yeong-gi shows a deep level of empathy for Shin-Ae.

The scene also develops a contrast between Kousuke and Yeong-gi — and the differences in how they affect Shin-Ae — that is paralleled many times later in the series.

Yeong-gi is the one who gets Shin-Ae to smile. He's the one who turns this scene from something uncomfortable to wholesome. And yet, he's not the one dancing with her. He stays to the side, in the shadows of the crowd, with distance between him and Shin-Ae, and with his head down. It fits his overarching character arc — staying hidden and away, and unable to chase for what he wants because of a quiet sense of shame and low self-worth.

The significance of him not interrupting and staying off to the side is purposefully emphasized in Ep. 57, when Kousuke says:

"I'm surprised you didn't interrupt my dance with Ms. Yoo."

Yeong-gi doesn't respond and simply looks away and slightly frowns. This emphasizes that there is a reason Yeong-gi stays away, and it's likely because his low self-esteem issues cause him to think, "Who am I to interfere?"

Overall, this dance panel achieves a similar effect to the earlier scene when their hands reach for each other, adding to the tension caused by distance — it feels like Shin-Ae and Yeong-gi should be together, but because of the circumstances, they can’t. They are reaching for each other, emotionally, but just can’t close the gap.

Ep. 55 | “We’re (just) friends... right?” - More Romantic Build-up

Although Yeong-gi knew exactly how to cheer up Shin-Ae, what he didn’t expect was her laugh… or rather the way he feels when she does.

Look at Yeong-gi’s expression — his eyes are widened. He has a look of awe and he seems shocked. He felt something unexpected. Maybe his heart skipped a beat... Could it be possible…?

He also has a resigned smile after, choosing to look at their dance from afar.

After the dance, Yeong-gi asks Shin-Ae to confirm their friendship.

But the panel and his tense smile seems… eerie. Faked. Like Yeong-gi might not be asking this question for obvious reasons. Even Shin-Ae notes that he seems uneasy, with a confused look and a nervous sweat drop.

We’ve already seen their completely established friendship. But as soon the two explicitly acknowledge this out-loud, we seem to have something new to deal with. Why does Yeong-gi suddenly want confirmation of their friendship, and in a manner that seems quite… sad? Why does his smile seem faked? We can look just a few panels prior to have a better understanding of what’s occurring internally for Yeong-gi.

Yeong-gi's shocked expression and widened eyes are similar to other moments of romantic tension, namely the hospital balcony scene and the earphones scene (albeit in a more muted manner). This is the second moment in this arc after the makeup scene that adds to the romantic tension leading up to the hospital balcony scene.

I believe Yeong-gi seems sad when he asks, “We’re friends right?” because when Shin-Ae laughs, he subconsciously feels the pangs of possible budding romantic feelings (it isn’t quite there yet, it is slight, but he is feeling something new) and he immediately subconsciously tries to deny those feelings by having Shin-Ae assert their friendship.

He feels dissonance between two facts:

“Shin-Ae is my friend”

“I felt something when she laughed”

This dissonance is uncomfortable, so he seeks to deny what is implied by the second part (that he may feel more for her). Additionally, we understand Yeong-gi struggles with self-worth. With the added pressure of those around him, as well as Shin-ae who has consistently accused him of being too pushy and a player, it is no struggle to understand why he immediately tries to avoid this feeling at even the first slightest hint of it.

But by looking for an affirmation of friendship to refute what he felt when she laughed, he unwittingly makes a link between what he felt to something beyond friendship.

Ep. 57-8 | The Bar - Brief Respite and a Kousuke/Yeong-gi Parallel

Due to the aforementioned tension, moments like the bar where Yeong-gi and Shin-ae are able to interact and joke around (about boobs in this case) feel incredibly refreshing — everything else is uncomfortable, but being with each other is comforting.

Once the others join them, we also get another slight Kousuke and Yeong-gi parallel. When Alyssa mentions Yeong-gi could dance with Shin-Ae, Yeong-gi refuses, likely due to pressure from Kousuke to be faithful to Alyssa. (We don’t quite know what he would’ve said otherwise). Shin-Ae responds to him refusing the dance, thinking:

“It would’ve been awkward anyways like my dance with Kousuke.”

The phrase "it would've been [negative adjective] anyways" usually implies a sense of settling for an outcome and sometimes slight displeasure.

I will admit that is hard to firmly state she’s disappointed that he said no. But the phase most certainly implies that she would’ve gone along with it if he said yes. (If this is hard to understand, Shin-Ae doesn’t think something like, “Good. I didn’t want to dance anyways.”) Her thought is relatively indifferent, especially in contrast to Kousuke whom she explicitly didn’t want to dance with.

Ep. 61 | Yeong-gi Takes a Stand - Relationship-driven Growth

When Yeong-gi learns that Shin-Ae is in trouble, but is yelled at by his father for his behaviour and not being with Alyssa, he is absolutely terrified at first (poor boy).

Randulph: "What are you doing? Fooling around again? It hasn't even been that long since I last reprimanded you!"

*Yeong-gi flinches*

Randulph: "How many times am I going to have to scold you tonight??? How hard is that head of of yours that nothing I say gets through to you! And Alyssa isn't even with you!"

Yeong-gi: *meekly* "Well — my friend was —"

Randulph: "I'm not through talking!

*Yeong-gi flinches*

Randulph continues scolding him, then says, "Forget about your friends."

To which Yeong-gi replies, "No... Castigate me, humiliate me. Do that all you want after I've ensured her safety!"

Upon thinking about the possible danger Shin-Ae is in, we see him, for the first time, advocate for himself and stand up to his father. Yeong-gi's concern for Shin-Ae allows him to stand up to the man who terrifies him. Shin-Ae takes easy precedent over the politics of his family and it shows how far their relationship has come and how it drives Yeong-gi's growth.

Ep. 62-3 | Sang-chul — Anger on behalf of Shin-Ae & a Shin-Ae and Alyssa Comparison

When Yeong-gi sees Sang-chul with Shin-Ae's jacket, he confronts him.

Sang-chul: "Back off bro. I don't want to start any trouble here."

Yeong-gi: "Too late for it now, innit? You asked for trouble as soon as you tried to take advantage of Shin-Ae."

Yeong-gi gets personally angry on behalf of Shin-Ae. It's another example that emphasizes their friendship.

We also see a contrast developed between Shin-Ae and Alyssa by Sang-chul:

"What is this Shin-Ae person to you anyway? You didn't react this way when I mentioned kissing your girlfriend... Where is she anyway? I still need my selfie and my kiss since you're fine with it."

Sang-chul assumes Yeong-gi must be romantically and sexually involved with Shin-Ae partly because he's a disgusting, sexist dirtbag, but also because, frankly, Yeong-gi seems to just generally like Shin-Ae more than his actual girlfriend.

I also want to draw attention to the fact that Sang-chul has mentioned kissing Alyssa three times: once before when they first met, and twice now. All three times, Yeong-gi didn't react.

In Ep. 63, Yeong-gi begins to move away from Sang-chul to get to Shin-Ae.

Sang-chul: "Heh. That's right. Wuss. Go run to your b*tch."

*Yeong-gi stops*

Sang-chul: "I'll go keep Alyssa company while you're at it! I still haven't gotten my kiss! Should be easy. She must be dumb as hell if she's dating you."

*Yeong-gi turns around, glares at him, kisses him, then punches him* "There's your damn kiss, you gobshite!"

Yeong-gi: "Don't you dare call Shin-Ae a b*tch ever again. And stay away from Alyssa."

Why is it, that now, he suddenly becomes agitated after already ignoring three taunts by Sang-chul to kiss Alyssa? Especially when he was in the middle of getting to Shin-Ae? I'm going to argue that Yeong-gi actually decides to punch him as soon as he first stops after Sang-chul insults Shin-Ae. Additionally, after the punch, Yeong-gi's first demand is to never insult Shin-Ae again, placing emphasis on this. It is also said more forcefully then the second: "Don't you dare... ever again" vs "And stay away". Alyssa is added almost like an afterthought.

There is a purposeful comparison here between the way Yeong-gi treats the disrespect towards the two women. Yeong-gi immediately gets angry enough to get violent when Sang-chul insults Shin-Ae, but barely responds at first when he calls Alyssa dumb and threatens to kiss her. He cares more for Shin-Ae than he does for his romantic partner, Alyssa.

Naturally, since the comparison is between his girlfriend and Shin-Ae, it also paints his feelings for Shin-Ae in a romantic light.

Ep. 63 | Yeong-gi Saves Shin-Ae

When Shin-Ae falls in the pool, it is Yeong-gi who saves her. Kousuke does not. This is another narrative parallel meant to contrast the two's relation to Shin-Ae. They both fall into the pool (parallel) but Yeong-gi, not Kousuke, saves Shin-Ae (contrast).

The episode also focuses almost solely on Yeong-gi's response to Shin-Ae's injury. He is absolutely terrified and feels terrible guilt, thinking he did this to her. But he is the one who saved her. He is the one shown to panic, yell for her, and scream for help. (We can also get into the authorial choice to focus on Yeong-gi's reaction and not Kousuke's... At the very least, it emphasizes that this moment is especially significant for Shin-Ae and Yeong-gi.)

Conclusions

The black and white formal arc serves as a climax for development between Shin-Ae and Yeong-gi — we see how in the face of adversity, the two value each other deeply as friends, and are given romantically tense moments.

There are also multiple narrative parallels, where Kousuke and Yeong-gi are put in similar situations, but the way they impact Shin-Ae are contrasted. Despite having multiple moments with Kousuke, Yeong-gi is who impacts her positively and who she wants to spend time with. This is continued in the hospital finale, when despite literally “reaching” Kousuke (he is with her and holds her hands), it is only after chasing Yeong-gi and being with him that she finds cathartic emotional support and finally cries. (Although these parallels jab at YooTip, I want to focus more on how it emphasizes that Shin-Ae and Yeong-gi's bond is beyond that she has with another person she has known for the same amount of time. It shows the difference between the more basic-level bond she has with Kousuke, vs. her bond with Yeong-gi that is surprisingly strong for people who have only known each other for a few weeks.)

Overall, this arc builds a base for when Yeong-gi first feels true romantic feelings for Shin-Ae: when she holds onto him and cries on the hospital balcony (you can see that analysis here). In this scene at the end of this arc, the two who so desperately tried to connect during the gala, finally do (although their hands still do not touch).

[fangirlwriting-stories]

By Any Other Name

Chapter One

Chapter Fifteen:

Roman and Logan both loved the baked goods idea, which meant that after lunch the following day, once Patton got there with supplies and ingredients, they all headed into the kitchen to start baking.  Anxiety didn’t have a ton of experience and was kind of learning on the fly, but Patton had a ton of experience, which meant it didn’t feel terribly hard with such a good teacher.

Once they managed to get the blackberry peach cobbler baking, they all sat down with a fruit salad and what was left of Logan’s jam.  They hadn’t really planned on making much of a meal other than this, as according to Patton, you needed a day where you didn’t worry about health every now and then.  (And according to Logan, “I suppose the fruit salad is healthy enough,” said through gritted teeth while seeming to almost be in actual pain.)

They all chatted happily about various nothings as the cobbler baked, and Anxiety didn’t expect anything surprising to come from their conversation, until Roman leaned over and snatched Logan’s biscuit right out of his hand.

“Roman!” Logan called.  “That has my jam on it!”

“Oh, hush, make another one,” Roman teased, taking a bite out of it as Logan made an offended noise.

“I made that one,” Logan said in irritation, even though he was already reaching for another biscuit.  “Why do you insist on doing things like this?”

“Oh, Berry, you know you love me,” Roman said, beaming.  Anxiety melted a little inside, not that he was going to show that.

“That’s adorable,” he said.  “You call him—”  But for some reason, before he could actually say ‘Berry,’ his throat closed up, and he couldn’t get the word out.

Anxiety’s brow furrowed in confusion.  “Wait, why can’t I say—”  The same thing happened again.

“You’re not going to be able to say it,” Roman said, sounding surprised.  “At least, not to Logan.  It’s his Promise Name.  Haven’t we used them around you before?”

Anxiety blinked at him.  “What’s a Promise Name?”

All three of them turned to him in further surprise, and Anxiety suddenly got the feeling he was supposed to know that already.  “What?  I told you I don’t know anything about name magic.”

“I did assume you’d still know what a Promise Name was,” Logan said.  “But no matter, I suppose.  Promise Names are given in marriage.  They’re a name you create with your partner, that only they’re able to use.  They’re just another way to tie the both of you together, just like the handfasting cords.  Roman’s name for me is Berry, and my name for him is Prince.  I did tell you that what I know about name magic I know because of Roman.”

Anxiety raised an eyebrow.  “You guys gave each other magically binding pet names?” he said, trying to move past the slight pride that came with the realization of being right, that there were more than just two kinds of names.

“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that—” Logan started.

“Yes, that’s exactly what we did,” Roman said happily.  “But yeah, no one else can say Promise Names.  And you can feel it when your partner says yours to you.”  He leaned over against Logan’s shoulder with a grin on his face.  “It feels all warm and tingly,” he cooed.

Logan gave him a look that was almost amused, which of course just made Roman grin wider.  Logan scooted away from Roman and turned back down to add jam to his biscuit, which resulted in Roman giving a large offended gasp.  “But Berry, don’t you love me?” he whined.

“Maybe I’ll love you more if you stop stealing my biscuits,” Logan deadpanned.

Anxiety laughed, and then laughed harder when he saw Roman’s wounded face.  Patton giggled behind his hand next to him, and when Roman noticed everyone’s reactions, he huffed and sunk down in his seat.

“That’s the last time I have public displays of affection with you,” Roman said, sticking his tongue out at Logan to end his statement.

“I would prefer it being the last time you steal my biscuits,” Logan said, finally taking a bite of his.  “But I suppose refusing to acknowledge our marriage in public is a nice bonus, my Prince.”

Roman just ended up brightening at the use of the name, and Patton beamed from across the table.  “You two are adorable!” he called.  “Anxiety, aren’t they adorable?”

“Yeah, they’re something,” Anxiety said, rolling his eyes.  “How long do we need to wait before we check on the cobbler?”

His question seemed to remind Patton that the cobbler even existed, because he immediately jumped up and ran over to check on it.

“…Doesn’t he run a bakery as a job?” Anxiety asked in bafflement.

“Yes, we’re amazed he’s stayed open this long,” Logan said.  A second later he seemed to think of something, and looked at Anxiety more directly.  “You know, I should ask you about something.  Have you considered what you’re going to be doing when all of this is over?”

Anxiety’s blood ran cold.  “What— what do you mean?” he asked, doing his best to make sure his voice didn’t shake.  The whole reason he hadn’t wanted to get close to any of them was because he didn’t want to get hurt again, if they were still going to kick him out—

“I just mean that you’ve been living in survival mode for quite a while, and you haven’t seemed to develop many hobbies other than gardening,” Logan said, and Anxiety’s chest loosened.  It didn’t sound like being kicked out.  “I was wondering if there was something you wanted to go back to.”

“Or,” Roman said, and Anxiety glanced over at him.  “If you’d like, we could help you figure it out.”

Anxiety smiled in relief.  “Yeah?”

“Of course!” Roman called happily.  “Oh, do I get to give you a tour of the town?  I would absolutely love to show you around!  And Logan could teach you all about magic and stuff, and maybe you could work on getting your memories back!  Oh, and, and—”

“Okay, Roman, slow down,” Logan said.  “We don’t want to overwhelm him.”

Anxiety took a moment to be grateful that Logan stopped Roman before he could go much further, because that sounded like a lot.  But, at the same time, it also sounded… really nice.

“I think that would be good,” he said hesitantly.  “Just not all at once, okay?”

“You got it!” Roman called, giving Anxiety a thumbs up.

Patton headed back over the next second, now carrying a blackberry peach cobbler.  It certainly smelled amazing.  He cut each of them a piece and handed it off, and Anxiety took a bite.

“Oh, this is amazing,” Roman said happily around a bite.

“Geez, Roman, chew with your mouth closed,” Anxiety said.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I have to comment on how amazing his food is,” Roman said through another bite.

“You’re disgusting,” Anxiety said, holding his hands up in front of his face so he didn’t have to look at Roman.  Finally, he stopped talking with his mouth full and just ate the cobbler.

“Roman’s antics aside,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow at him.  “This is quite delicious.  Excellent job to both of you.”  He nodded at Patton and Anxiety.

“Oh, Logan, you helped too,” Patton said.

“Yes, but I believe your baking prowess and Anxiety’s skill with magic to grow the berries were far more beneficial in this situation,” Logan said.  “We would not be enjoying this otherwise.”

“I just don’t like you undermining your talents, mister,” Patton said, crossing his arms.  “But thank you.”

“Thanks, Lo,” Anxiety said quietly.

They ate the rest of the cobbler and biscuits and most of the fruit salad, and then Patton packed the rest of it up so they could all have some with breakfast tomorrow.

Not long after that, everyone got ready to go home for the night.  Thankfully, they would all be back tomorrow, since Patton didn’t have to run the bakery.  And that could possibly change further in the future, because apparently he was interviewing some people for potential assistants for the bakery.  For now, though, Anxiety gave them all a sendoff and headed into the library to grab a book and a candle.  He liked to read on the roof at night after everyone left.

When he got up there tonight, though, he was surprised to still hear voices, and headed towards the edge of the roof.  He peered over and saw Roman and Logan, and was about to call out to them when he heard what they were saying.

“Come on,” Roman said.  “Don’t act like I don’t know you, after we’ve been married for how long?  You’ve been bothered by something all day.  What is it?”

Oh, this was probably a private conversation.  He should go back inside until it was over—

“It’s Anxiety,” Logan said, and Anxiety stopped cold.

“What about Anxiety?  Has he done something?  I thought he was being nicer to everyone,” Roman said in confusion.

“What?  No, he hasn’t done anything wrong,” Logan said, and Anxiety let out a slow breath of relief.  “He’s… it…” Logan sounded uncharacteristically hesitant, and Anxiety was starting to get worried for him.

“No,” Logan said finally.  “I can’t.  I can’t tell you, Roman.”

“What?” Roman asked, sounding just as surprised as Anxiety felt.  “Since when is that how things work?  Logan, you’re my husband, you can tell me anything.  I can’t believe you don’t know that.”

“No, it’s not like that,” Logan said hurriedly.  “It’s not that I don’t trust you, my Prince.”

“Well then what is it?” Roman asked.  “Why can’t you tell me what you’re thinking?”

Logan was quiet for another moment.  Anxiety was pretty sure he looked down, but it was hard to tell from up above.  “Because I could be wrong, Roman,” he said, quietly enough that Anxiety barely heard it.

Roman didn’t say anything for a long moment, but finally, he reached forward and lifted Logan’s chin until they were eye to eye.  “Tell me anyway,” he said firmly.

“I…” Logan said hesitantly.  “I’m starting to think Anxiety might actually be—”

“Logan?  Roman?  Are you coming?”

Both of them, along with Anxiety, glanced towards the voice to see Patton waiting at the edge of the woods.

Logan looked back at Roman.  “I’ll tell you when we get home,” he said.

Roman nodded.  “Coming, Pat!” he called, and they both jogged off to catch up with Patton as Anxiety watched them go.

Anxiety might actually be what?  He moved to sit back down on one of the chairs he and Roman had put up here for stargazing.  I’m starting to think Anxiety might actually be a total waste of space?  I’m starting to think Anxiety might actually be the source of all our problems?  I’m starting to think Anxiety might actually be something created by It with no previous life to go back to?

Stop.  Breathe.

Anxiety leaned back in the chair and pulled his hood up over his head.  Logan sounded scared it was something he might be wrong about.  What was he scared of being wrong about involving him?

Anxiety took a shaky breath.  What if he had been about to say something like “I’m starting to think Anxiety might actually be thinking we care more about him than we do?”  What if he was going to have to deal with being thrown out all over again?  What if they’d decided he wasn’t as useful as they thought he was and they didn’t need him around anymore?  What if he hadn’t won them over as much as he’d tried to, or had wasted too much time in the beginning, or had blown it completely by being a jerk at first?

Anxiety buried his head in his knees.  Why were relationships so hard?  Why did he suck so much at them?  Why could he never seem to be able to tell whether or not people actually cared about him?

Anxiety shook his head harshly.  No.  Stop.  Breathe.

“You don’t know what he was about to say,” Anxiety said aloud to himself.  “Why would you assume it was negative?  Things don’t have to be like that this time.  This time can be different.  They can really care about you.  Really.”

He could ask Logan tomorrow what he meant.  Until then… he was going to read this book and stargaze and think about something else.

It probably wouldn’t work perfectly, but things not working perfectly seemed to be his life on a good day.  It would be fine.  It would be fine.

If he just repeated it to himself over and over he’d start to believe it, right?

Chapter Sixteen

[jennifersminds]

Who do you think is a better friend? Elena or Caroline?

oof this is hard.

I’m gonna stick within the first few seasons for this one, since after that both of them started being twisted by the writers and so I don’t think it would be fair to either character to judge off that.

I do think i’m going to have to go with Elena even though ik a lot of people will disagree. I’ve found that the tvd fandom has kinda taken both Caroline and Elena’s characters in opposite directions. With a majority of the fandom heavily  Villainising Elena and refusing to recognise any positive traits of her character, while idolising Caroline and essentially explaining away a diminishing any of her very real character flaws. In my personal opinion this happens bc Caroline is a much easier self insert for a large portion of the audience (the young, slightly insecure, still struggling with internalised misogyny) members of the audience. She’s an outcast in season 1, pretty but doesn’t feel as pretty as the other character, and likes the men Elena’s with (at least in s1). (that’s absolutely not to say everyone who likes care is insecure, that’s just one of the reasons she’s been so successful certain members of the fandom)

I do think both Caroline AND Elena are equally and understandably flawed characters. However there’s a very clear imbalance between how they’re held accountable.

ANYWAY, to actually get into the question. Both Caroline and Elena have their issues- Elena is definitely self-absorbed some of the time but nowhere near as much as fandom makes her out to be. In fact there are arguably a lot more examples of Caroline centering herself and her opinions above her friends comfort. Also it’s worth mentioning that i’m judging not just how they were friend to each other, but how they were friends in general.

My biggest issue with Caroline is just how intensely and unflinchingly pro-stefan she was. Another example of her being an audience self insert. Literally a week after stefan tried to drive Elena off a bridge she was pushing her to go to a dance with him. And the way she was so rigidly on Stefan’s side over Elena’s in season 4 will always bug me. That relationship was not working- Stefan refused to recognise that the bunny diet wasn’t working for Elena and was fully projecting all his addiction issues into her and STILL Care was calling to check up on him after the break up.

(context interlude)

Now i actually have a pretty unpopular opinion coming up so let’s go - What Damon did in s1 to Care was r*pe. No argument. However the show refuses to recognise it and acknowledge it as that, the most they will say is abuse and even then it’s used loosely. So bc the show doesn’t see it like that it is unrealistic to hold any of the characters responsible for not taking it seriously. Elena included. The only character that should be held responsible is Damon (and maybe stefan). So the argument of Elena being a rape apologist does not stand up bc she (along with every other character) was not written viewing it or acknowledging it as such. That being said it’s something that’s excellent to explore in fics AND something that should definitely be acknowledged in fandom however you wanna go about it bc it 100% was rape.

anyway the point of that rant is bc you could use the argument that Caroline was pushing Elena towards stefan bc of what happened with Damon and bc of concern for how Elena would be treated but that theory quickly falls apart bc 1. Stefan treated her terribly aswell and 2. Caroline does not at any point express concern over how Elena is being treated or the effects the site bond is having on her consent. Her justification for pushing Elena towards stefan is that he’s her ‘epic love’ (he’s not, she’s seventeen and they met outside a men room) and is essentially just that she wants to be right. Basically my biggest issue with Caroline as a friend is that she places male approval and validation over her relationships with both Bonnie and Elena at many points throughout the series.

NOW- before anyone gets mad at me, this isn’t an anti-caroline post. I actually find her insecurity and internalised misogyny to be a very interesting and complex aspect of her character. And considering her upbringing it’s a very understandable character flaw. However when it comes to how she performs as a friend it’s pretty difficult to ignore.

These aspects are only really an issue when her stans refuse to acknowledge them. often overcompensating by placing them on Elena or Bonnie. (both characters have their flaws but insecurity and jealousy are def not one of them).

(I also haven’t watched S8 but isn’t there a whole thing where care makes bonnie come to her and stefan’s wedding like directly after stefan killed enzo? idk don’t count that as a point i just feel like i’ve seen scenes ab that)

I also see a lot of victimisation going on with s1 Caroline, often seeing posts about how Care was ‘mistreated and unfairly excluded’ by bonnie and elena. And i’m sorry to break it to y’all but that’s just bc she was a bad friend. She was insensitive as hell and constantly projecting her insecurities onto both of them. She was insanely self centred about Elena’s parents dying and I can 100% understand why Elena didn’t always wanna be around her. She definitely grew as a character but pretending like she was done misunderstood saint is unreasonable.

Anyway this got way too long but to summarise- both characters are self absorbed/involved in one way or another, however for Elena that manifests as being absent minded or unseeing of her friends struggles. For Caroline it’s actively judging and projecting onto them.

[blu-joons]

My Little One ~ Park Jimin

The sound of the rehearsal room door opening caught the attention of all seven member’s, smiles growing fondly when they saw your footsteps walk in, intrigued as to what they were up to.

“How’s it all going?” You asked, stepping back out of the room to grab the tray of coffees you’d bought from the café at the bottom of the building. “You didn’t think I’d come emptyhanded, did you?”

“I knew you wouldn’t let us down!” Jungkook cheered.

You handed coffee cups out to each member as they came towards you, leaving Jimin’s until last. As you handed it across, you felt his hands grip around yours, squeezing gently before accepting the cup, inviting you to sit down with them.

The sound of the backing track continued to fill the studio as they sat, whilst most members could ignore it, you could tell it was on Hobi’s mind. Before you sat, you walked over to the speaker, glancing up at just how high the button was.

“Can you reach?” Namjoon yelled out, chuckling as you stretched up on your tiptoes. “We really should buy a stepladder or something for whenever Y/N’s around.”

You turned back to face him with a glare, glancing across to Jimin for a bit of a hand. He sighed softly, leaving his drink and walking over to give you the help you needed.

“I never imagined that Jimin could look so tall,” Hobi teased, as Jimin pressed his hands together for you to step onto, jumping up to turn the speaker off.

“Or is it just that Y/N’s that small?”

A gentle blush crept onto your cheeks as you sat back down with the boys, feeling Jimin’s hand rest into your lap in search of your hand to hold onto.

“She’s not that small at all, in fact, I find her height a very endearing quality,” he argued.

The boys all went wide eyed at Jimin’s response, surprised to hear him suddenly stand up for you. You could only sit back with a smile, embracing the quiet that arose in the room as the boys all realised that Jimin was in fact on your side.

“How do the two of you cope at home, do you only use the bottom cupboards in the kitchen?” Jin suddenly chimed in.

“Are you really asking that question?”

Jin nodded smugly back at Jimin, as all the other boys applauded his question too, with a genuine intrigue as to how two small people could even survive.

“We’re not that small,” you sighed, “you’re hardly giants either.”

Your eyes instantly flickered across to Yoongi, a gasp escaping from his lips as to why he’d suddenly been brought into the conversation after being one of the few quiet members.

“Yeah, how come none of you pick on Yoongi, why do you only feel the need to pick on my girlfriend?” Jimin added, refusing to let Yoongi get away with being so silent.

Another gasp came from him, silently staring between you both for mentioning him. He got away with plenty, an advantage of being one of the elder members.

Whilst the rest of the boys loved to joke about how small you were, your height was by far one of Jimin’s favourite qualities about you. The two of you complimented each other perfectly, just the right height for one another to do all the things other couples did too.

“I wonder sometimes why I bring you coffee and food when all you do is tease me,” you huffed, folding your arms across your chest, “I could start some terrible rumours about you guys.”

Taehyung stared back at you, slamming his coffee cup down on the floor. “I’ll have you know, not all of us tease you about your height, some of us joke about it silently instead.”

“You laughed; I saw you. Don’t even try and deny it.”

His head nodded shamefully, picking his coffee cup back up and taking a sip from it. Your eyes looked around the group for anyone else who wanted to speak up, with Jimin right beside you, ready to back you up.

“Remember, if any of you ever date small girls in the future, I will be right here to rinse you for it like you’ve done with Y/N and I,” he challenged them, I can’t believe you guys would even get argumentative over something like this.”

“But when we’re all single, who else are we supposed to tease for being so small?” Hobi asked you, unable to hide his laughter when Jimin pointed straight across to Yoongi once again. “That’s unfair, he’s got an inch or two on you.”

“And several on Y/N,” you heard him mutter under his breath, reaching across to slap lightly against his arm.

His hand instantly rubbed against his arm, “for someone so small, she’s got plenty of strength, that really hurt.”

You nodded back at him proudly, feeling Jimin’s arm snake around your waist once he was finished drinking, proud of what you’d done. His eyes looked across the rest of the boys, making sure they knew not to take your height as a weakness.

Slowly his arm moved you further into his side, close enough so that he could rest his chin against your shoulder, pressing a kiss underneath your ear before whispering, “ignore all of these idiots, I for one am very much in love with how tall, or short you are. I wouldn’t change a single thing about it too.”

“So, you think I’m small too?” You teased, turning your head to look across at him. “And there I was thinking that you were defending me from the rest of these guys.”

“You are small, but in the best possible way, I adore it about you.”

“Nice save,” you chuckled, resting your hands over his that sat around your waist. “Although I don’t think you’ll ever get these guys to stop teasing, you know what they’re like, once they grab something, they never let it go.”

Jimin’s head nodded in agreement with you, but he was sure that if he managed to shut them up enough, they’d eventually give up on you.

“They only wish that they could have a girlfriend, let alone a girlfriend as incredible as you,” he continued to compliment, “their jokes definitely come from jealousy.”

“Well, like you said, one day we can make sure that we get our revenge on them,” you reminded him, noticing how quickly his eyes lit up.

His lips pressed against your shoulder, “see, this is another reason why you’re just so perfect, you know exactly what to say. I love your thinking.”

“Someone’s got to put them in their place,” you acknowledged, “and I’ve been the root of too many of their jokes not to be able to get my revenge. I’ll stand tall metaphorically, even if I can’t do it physically to them.”

“You don’t need to stand taller than them, you’re at the best height as you are, regardless of what them fools have to say,” he smiled.

“It seems like it’s not just me who has all the right things to say too, you’re pretty smooth yourself when you want to be.”

Your eyes were instantly drawn to the shade of red in Jimin’s cheeks, “I must have just learnt from the very best.”

“Me? I’m far from a smooth talker, I’ve just learnt how to stand up for myself.”

“And a very good job of that you do too,” he whispered closely into your ear, “metaphorically, and physically too, my little one.”

“Smooth Jimin, very smooth indeed.”

---

Masterlist

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twenty

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: sorry for the wait yall this month really kicked my ass,, but also we reached part 20!!

tw infertility discussion

***

Gwyn: isn’t he beautiful <3

In the freezing February air outside the tea house, Nesta clicks on the picture attached to Gwyn’s text. It’s a distant shot of a man in his mid-thirties hunched over a library desk while working, unaware that there’s a camera on him. She’ll give it to Gwyn, though—he is a little handsome.

Emerie: the stalker levels are through the roof, gwyneth. seek help.

Gwyn: no i’m gonna marry him

Nesta doesn’t know whether to laugh or be concerned, but she types out a brief response before her thumbs fall off from the cold: Will give my opinion on him later. Got to go.

Gwyn’s crush will have to wait, Nesta thinks as she finally puts her phone away and pushes her way inside the exquisite tea house. Immediately, blasting heat thaws her frozen fingers and toes, and farther inside she spots the table she reserved for three. Right now, only one person sits at it.

Nesta grits her teeth and approaches the round table, heels clicking softly on the parquet floors. Elain doesn’t look up from the menu she’s reading. “This place would be nicer to visit in the spring,” is her only acknowledgment of Nesta.

“I like the winter,” Nesta answers simply, taking her seat across from Elain. She likes how the ice creeps over the garden outside until everything looks frozen in time, and she likes how the colorful flowers and trees become dulled by white snow. Not that her sister would understand or care.

“Of course you do,” Elain mutters, setting down the menu with all the careful elegance of a debutante. “I’m only here for Feyre, anyway.”

It almost saddens Nesta that she doesn’t feel hurt or offense at the words. She thought she would care more about Elain’s opinion than she actually does. “Where is Feyre, then?” she says, looking pointedly at the empty seat between them. “I thought she was coming with you.”

“I’m right here,” a breathless voice says, accompanied by the sound of hurried footsteps. Feyre appears, looking flushed from exertion and the cold. She sets her bag down and joins them at the table, scooting her seat all the way in. “Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Nesta bites. “I was just about to order.”

“So was I.” Elain smiles breezily.

Feyre glances between the two of them, clear concern on her face, but she covers it up and says, “I’m so glad we’re doing this.”

It was Feyre’s idea, of course. After Nesta told her off for never being interested in what she wanted to do, Feyre actually listened. She asked if Nesta wanted to hang out, and then let Nesta fill in the rest of the details on her own terms.

Which brings them to the tea house. Unfortunately for her sisters, however, Nesta doesn’t really know where to go from ordering tea and biscuits.

“How is school going?” Feyre asks her after their drinks arrive.

Nesta sips from her tea, already bored. “It’s been fifteen minutes and you have yet to say anything of substance, Feyre. It makes me miss being alone with Elain and her mood.”

Feyre looks taken aback, and Elain levels a glare at Nesta. An unsurprised, of course you have to ruin everything like this glare.

So Nesta clarifies, “That wasn’t an attack. I just hoped that after driving out here, I would get something better than shallow small talk.”

“And how do you know it was shallow?” Elain steps in harshly. “How do you know she isn’t actually interested in how you’re doing at school?”

Nesta slides blunt blue eyes to Feyre. “If that’s the case, then I commend you. Personally, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was in your position.”

To her surprise, Feyre snorts. She looks resigned when she says, “No, you’re right. I don’t care about what’s going on at school, not if you don’t. What would you rather we talk about then, Nesta?”

Without hesitation, Nesta says, “Ask me something you really care to hear the answer to.”

Elain shuts her mouth and sits back at that. Feyre twists her lips, thinking her next words over carefully. “How is your therapy going?” she finally asks in a cautious tone. “What do you talk about there?”

Remembering that she’s in a formal setting, Nesta stops herself from crossing her arms. She settles on wrapping her fingers delicately around her teacup instead. “We talk about whatever I feel like talking about,” she answers honestly. Although lately her conversations with Lana feel more restrained than usual.

“And what’s that?” Feyre urges.

Nesta shrugs, fitting apathy onto her face like an old mask. “Recently? Childbearing.” But it isn’t her favorite topic of discussion, not at all.

“You’re pregnant?” Elain jumps in, leading Nesta to throw her an unamused look.

“No, idiot,” she says. “My therapist just has the idea that if I end up being infertile it’ll screw me up, mentally and emotionally and whatever. She thinks I should deal with that baggage now instead of saving it for later.” She rolls her eyes thinking about it. How many times does she have to repeat that she doesn’t care about her body’s reproductive abilities until Lana gets it?

Feyre chuckles, confused. “Why would you be infertile?”

Nesta forgot��she didn’t want her sisters knowing anything that has to do with her health. She even made Cassian keep her doctor visits secret from Feyre. But that was months ago, and the sisters are… not exactly in a better place now, but looking for the way there. Nesta thinks she can tell them without any severe regrets. “I have endometriosis.”

When she’s met with silence, she adds, “You know, with the tissue growing on my ovaries and stuff. It might affect all the babies I don’t care to have in the future.”

Elain is the first to speak. “You always wanted to be a mother.” Her voice is soft, almost mourning. It irritates the hell out of Nesta.

“No, I didn’t,” she snaps back.

“You did,” Elain insists. Feyre still hasn’t said anything. “You took care of our cat, Mittens, until the day she died. You taught Feyre her alphabet. You raised me when Mama and Papa were too busy to do it. You never carried dolls around in strollers or anything, but you loved being a mother.”

“I don’t remember any of this,” Feyre says, blinking. “I’m sorry, can we go back to the endometriosis part?”

Nesta sips from her tea, the bitter taste a welcome distraction from Elain’s words. “What about it?”

“How long have you known?” Feyre demands.

“It isn’t cancer. And I’m getting treated, obviously. I’m fine.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Nesta sighs, setting her cup down. “October. Cassian made me go to the doctor because he was worried about my periods, we had a big fight about health insurance, and now I use my salary from your boyfriend to afford medication so I don’t feel like dying every month. Is that everything you wanted to hear?”

Feyre only stares at her, for once revealing no emotion. “I keep forgetting,” she says finally, “that we’re not at a place to share things like that with each other. I keep being surprised every time I realize how much of your life you keep from us.”

“I don’t,” Elain huffs under her breath while she tears a croissant in half.

Nesta is still watching Feyre. “You remember how bad my cycles were? I would cry loud enough at night to wake the house.”

Feyre flinches at the memory, and Elain goes still.

“But no one ever woke up,” Nesta says. They never talked about it before, and she has no desire to keep speaking about it now. If they start to tally all the hurts they’ve dealt to each other, Nesta fears they’ll be here for hours. Worse, she fears she will lose.

She reaches for a lavender macaron and delicately pulls it apart, studying the cream filling inside. “Did you know they make these using the lavender flowers from the garden outside?”

“I hate lavender,” Elain says.

Spying her chance to shift the subject off herself, Nesta goes for it. “Because Azriel smells like lavender?” She pushes one half of the dainty cookie past her lips, chewing. “It’s an interesting cologne choice, I agree.”

“Wait, what are we talking about now?” Feyre looks around, unaware that they’ve moved onto another topic.

Elain’s innocent brown eyes turn into daggers pointed at Nesta, betrayal written across her face. Nesta feels no pity for her—especially not if they’re going to sit around judging each other for keeping secrets.

Feyre’s eyes widen and she turns to Elain. “Is it about your,” she lowers her voice and whispers, “crush?”

Nesta raises a skeptical brow. She doubts whatever Az and Elain have stops at just a crush.

“No, it’s not,” Elain answers determinedly. “God, do you have to bring men into everything, Nesta?”

“I think you’re projecting.”

“Quit it,” Feyre snaps at the both of them. “Or I’ll grab my things and leave.”

Do it, Nesta almost dares. But she has a feeling that Feyre means it, that she won’t submit to being taunted, so Nesta reins the words back from the tip of her tongue. After all, this tea is expensive.

The sisters take a moment to settle, and Feyre is the one to restart the conversation. “Either way,” she tells Nesta, “it looks like counseling is going really well for you. I’m glad.”

“Yeah, it really gives your skin a certain glow,” Elain drawls.

Nesta doesn’t rise to meet her sarcasm. In all seriousness, Elain and Feyre could probably use a therapist themselves. It might make Nesta’s interactions with them less headache-inducing.

“You should visit one day,” she throws the suggestion out without thinking.

“What, like a therapy session?” Feyre says.

Realizing the implications of her terrible idea, Nesta forces herself not to backpedal. “Yes,” she makes herself grit out. “If you’re interested, that is.”

Elain and Feyre share a glance of hesitation and concern. It’s a glance that grates on Nesta’s nerves, but she keeps her mouth shut and waits for a response.

Feyre answers first: “We’ll do it.”

Elain looks more doubtful, but seems to realize that refusing to go would paint her in a negative light. We can’t have that, can we? Nesta thinks wryly. She reaches for some macarons and starts stuffing them into her purse. “Sounds good. Great.” It is not at all great. Having her sisters in the same room as her and Lana might just be terrible enough to ruin Nesta’s next month or two.

“I’ll text you the details whenever I feel like it,” she tells Feyre and Elain as she rises out of her seat. Likely not for as long as possible.

“Where are you going?” Elain demands.

“I’m leaving.” Nesta pointedly drapes her coat over her shoulders, picking up her purse. “I have plans for the rest of the day, sorry.” Plans to get home and rate Gwyn’s work crush on a scale of one to ten. Maybe she’ll rewatch a sitcom if she has time.

“But it’s only been an hour,” Feyre protests.

Did Feyre think they would be spending the whole day together? Nesta wants to shudder at the mere idea of it, but she somehow… feels bad for her sister. “Maybe another time,” she promises vaguely. To provide some sort of reassurance, she adds, “I had fun today. Thanks for pulling this together.” The words are hollow, fake, and she’s probably a hypocrite for not being able to return the same sincerity she demanded from Feyre. But honesty isn’t going to get Nesta very far today, so this false politeness is the best she can manage.

Elain looks somewhat relieved, and Feyre looks disappointed but unsurprised. “Alright.” The girls nod at her. “Get home safe.”

She turns and leaves as soon as she’s given the green light.

A stale scent greets Nesta when she enters her apartment, reminding her that she hasn’t been around in days. In her defense, the winter months are easier to bear in Cassian’s heated cabin than in a poorly insulated basement.

Flicking the lights on, Nesta books it to the thermostat, her teeth nearly chattering out of her body. After turning the heat as high as it can go, she climbs beneath the covers of her bed without bothering to take her coat off. She doesn’t take out her phone to text the groupchat like she promised she would. She doesn’t even get her laptop to turn Netflix on. Rather, her focus is caught on the framed picture of her and Cassian sitting atop the dresser.

Everything was okay as she stepped out of the tea house. It wasn’t until she was inside her car that it came upon her: the whirlwind of emotions that had stayed so carefully hidden while she chatted with her sisters. All throughout the drive home, her mind kept returning to that one topic. Children.

Elain said that Nesta used to genuinely enjoy playing substitute mother when they were children, and she was right. But that was all fun and games, like playing teacher. What Elain left out was what happened after their actual mother died and their father went into debt, leaving all three girls in need of a parent figure. Nesta wasn’t a mother then—or at least, not a good one.

Now, she stares at the picture full of smiley cheeks and windblown hair, remembering the night that she realized she wanted to hold Cassian’s hand in hers.

She can’t imagine Cassian not wanting kids. They’ve never discussed it, but it’s so obvious to anyone who’s ever met him: he has too much love to give away to not one day end up with a whole brood of children. The thought makes Nesta’s stomach churn.

***

“Thanks again, guys.” Cassian shakes hands with his team as they file out of the conference room, all of them dressed professionally while he lingers in his hoodie. As soon as the last worker is out the door, he pulls out his phone, ready to shoot Nesta a message. She met up with her sisters alone today for the first time in a year, and he can’t wait any longer to find out if their brunch ended in a fight or not.

He clicks on his phone to find two texts from his brother, sent not too long ago.

Rhys: You’re in the office today for the monthly check-in, right?

Rhys: Don’t leave after the meeting is over. I’ll be there in an hour to introduce you to the new guy heading the Milan project.

Cassian frowns, confused. Rhys and the new guy are coming all the way up here to meet him? He didn’t know he was that important to the project.

While he waits for his unexpected guests, Cassian texts Nesta twice, and only receives a single short response saying she got home safe. Resolving to call and have a real conversation with her later, he gets up to change into the spare buttondown and pressed slacks he keeps in a locker in his office. If Rhys wants him to play the part of company boss, then he might as well look the part.

He’s adjusting the cuffs of his dark-colored shirt when the door to his office opens without warning, and Rhysand strides in followed by a stiff-looking young man.

Cassian eyes the stranger up and down first, trying to get a read on him the way he’s seen Nesta and Rhys read others. He doesn’t come up with a single thing, as usual, but he hopes he achieved his goal of looking intimidating.

“Cass,” Rhys greets him with a subdued nod, in full CEO mode. “This is our new hire, Keith O’Connell. I snagged him from right under Vanserra & Co.’s noses.” His near-violet eyes gleam with pride. “He’s going to be working out of Milan for us starting this summer.”

“Sounds good to me.” Cassian smiles lazily, and this is something he doesn’t need to fake—confidence. He reaches out to shake Keith’s hand. “Hi. I’m Cassian Madani.”

“Good to meet you.” The other man shakes back, but his grip is too tight, like he’s trying to break Cassian’s hand. Try-hard, a voice that sounds like Nesta tells him. Uses arrogance to cover up his insecurity.

Cassian takes it all into account as he pulls his hand away, seeing Keith through clearer eyes. His dark brown hair is slicked back with copious amounts of hair product, and a shrewd black gaze takes in every detail of the office. He stands like he’s attempting to seem taller than he actually is.

A typical white-collar worker looking for a way up the corporate ladder, Cassian concludes. Nothing he hasn’t seen before, but there must be a reason Rhys is so excited about him.

“Keith is starting here at your branch next week,” Rhys is saying when Cassian refocuses.

He blinks, unsure if he heard correctly. “What, all the way out here?” Away from Velaris in this modest mountain town?

“We agreed it was best if you two work together as closely as possible while preparing for the summer launch. Since you can’t come to Velaris, that means Keith comes here.”

Cassian looks at Rhys in astonishment. He thought that once he rejected the Milan position, he’d cleaned his hands of the job for good. Clearly he was wrong. “Just how involved am I going to be on this project?”

Rhys grins back at him. “You’ll lead from home base, of course.”

Cassian glares. Rhys responds with a look that says they’ll talk about this later.

Keith seems to find the idea of working alongside another person as distasteful as Cassian finds it unexpected, but he says anyway, “I can’t wait to start working together. I have a lot of ideas for the Italian outpost that I think you’ll appreciate.”

“I’m sure I will,” Cassian hums. “When do you start again?”

“Next Monday.”

“Then we should talk then.” Cassian gestures out the door. Keith looks taken aback, likely having expected more out of this meeting. But Cassian can’t meet with this guy until he gets a hold of what the fuck is going on. After shepherding Keith out of the office and shutting the door after him, he turns to Rhys with a raised brow.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Rhys warns. “Your role in this project is serious.”

“This project isn’t even part of my job description. What am I supposed to know about international business conductions?”

“You know enough to keep an eye on that O’Connell kid for me.” Rhys leans against Cassian’s desk as if it’s his own and crosses his feet. “He’s an asset to the company, but he also worked for our competitors up to a couple of months ago. I can’t trust him to manage this thing on his own, and I don’t have the time or resources right now to watch over him myself. That’s why the duty falls to you.”

“I manage security,” Cassian states, in case it wasn’t obvious. “What about Az?”

“Az has his own things to handle.” Rhys waves him off. “Just do what I tell you to, will you? Pay attention to O’Connell for the duration of the Italy venture and make sure he doesn’t steer our ship off course. You’ll get paid triple for the extra hours.”

“I don’t need triple,” Cassian grumbles, but Rhys is no longer listening. He’s typing on his phone and already heading for the door.

“Feyre and I are having dinner here before heading back home,” he calls over his shoulder. “See you later; I believe in you!” The door shuts after him, leaving Cassian alone.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies to the empty room.

Cassian leaves not long after Rhysand does, having no excuse to linger. Outside, he’s greeted with a surprise leaning against the hood of his truck.

Nesta pushes off the hood as soon as he catches notice of her. “Long day?” she asks.

He laughs for the first time all afternoon, the sound surprised and genuine. “I was just thinking about you.”

“That’s why I’m here. I heard your thoughts.” There’s a light in her pale eyes that only burns whenever she looks at him. It’s the same light that powers her ability to make jokes and let her guard down around him in a way she can’t with most others, and Cassian is especially grateful for it today.

Nesta reaches out and takes his hand into hers. He watches the way their palms fit together in endless fascination, his brown fingers a stark contrast against her white ones. He squeezes once and looks back up at her. “How did meeting your sisters go? You never told me.”

The light flickers so briefly Cassian wonders if it’s a trick of his eyes. But then Nesta is there again, at full brightness. She squeezes his hand back. “Take me home. I’ll tell you all about it.”

***

a/n: i love writing stuff related to cassian’s job i’ll just be throwing random words in there and calling it business jargon

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