#or that any self invention wasn't used in his transformation

[mintaii]

pouring one out for the robot

[themattress]

Five interesting things the Danganronpa manga confirmed about Celestia Ludenberg.

Apparently it will be a while before @shsl-analyzer-guy gets around to his Celeste analysis, so I thought I'd do this post since I was reminded by this one, since Celeste deserves it.

1.) She really was trying.

Part of what makes Celeste such an interesting villain is that she wasn't a villain until midway through Chapter 3. Despite her sinister appearance and personality, she really was intent on lying to herself about being content to adapt to being trapped in Hope's Peak Academy, actively looking for things to find joy in like taking a bath with the other girls and even imagining transforming the school into her castle and shaping the boys into her butlers. Up until Monokuma brought in the $10,000,000 motive, she sincerely had no desire to partake in the Killing Game, hence things like her "Nighttime Rule" and her "adapt" advice to others.

2.) Kiyondo and his feud with Hifumi over Alter Ego was the tipping point.

The manga confirms that the $10,000,000 motive alone wasn't what pushed Celeste into becoming a murderer. It brought about immediate temptation, of course, but Celeste's resolve to not partake in the Killing Game didn't crumble just yet. Everyone's fixation on Alter Ego and placing their hopes in it, and especially the effect it had on Kiyotaka (now "Kiyondo") and Hifumi is what tipped the scales. Celeste is clearly frightened by this whole turn of events: Taka is now acting like the previous murderer, and tensions are running high between him and Hifumi. Either of them could turn to murder to frame the other in her view, and she could possibly be the victim since both prior victims were physically weaker than their killers. And even if she isn't, even if another case is solved, the $10,000,000 reward from Monokuma will come and go, meaning she let a chance to achieve her dream pass her by in order to stay locked inside this school that she can no longer lie to herself about being able to enjoy since no matter what, Monokuma keeps making it dangerous and anxiety-inducing. Adding to this the fact that nobody else feels motivated by the $10,000,000 and thus would have their guards down against someone who did, Celeste just couldn't resist the temptation any longer. Using Taka and Hifumi's feud over Alter Ego to commit an unsolvable murder so that she can finally escape this nightmare and get her castle was too tantalizing an opportunity for her.

3.) She did feel suppressed remorse.

Celeste's spiel about how human life means nothing to her if it gets in the way of victory and how she feels no remorse for her deeds was a lie. In addition to her almost walking back on it when giving the key to Alter Ego's locker to Kyoko before deciding against it since she embraces the "Cool Motive, Still Murder" mantra and doesn't want anyone's pity that we see in the game, the manga shows that she has a pang of conscience after betraying and killing Hifumi. She quickly shuts it out, though, since Celestia Ludenberg isn't supposed to have a conscience; that's a Taeko Yasuhiro thing that she ought to be above. And speaking of...

4.) Her true motive was to live as Celestia Ludenberg, not as Taeko Yasuhrio.

The manga is blatant in that the dream of living in a castle with handsome male servants is a simplistic character goal for Celeste, and I do mean character, as Celeste is a fabrication. Taeko Yasuhiro has zero self-esteem due to being seen as dull and ordinary, much like Makoto or Komaru, by a world that values celebrity, and due to coming from a low class, garbage-ridden background. Even her talent is boring, passive "luck in games". That's why she invented Celestia Ludenberg as a means of escape, a means of self-rejection. The castle is what Celeste wants, but what it represents is what Taeko wants: an adult life as Celeste, where she can perpetually lie to herself about who she is....her own reality that she can cocoon herself in. It's a tragic irony: because she thought so little of herself, she ended up becoming completely and utterly self-absorbed. In her school life at Hope's Peak, she could grow beyond this, and is hinted to have done so given that she let Hifumi know her real name and even agreed to potentially living her life in the school shelter since the world's destruction made her realize there are more important things than a silly castle dream. But Junko wiped her memories of all this and then led her into becoming a manipulative, murderous villain.

5.) She did not take her impending death by firetruck well.

We never see her reaction to the approaching firetruck in the game, but we do in the manga: a face of horrified disbelief. Burning at the stake would have been more painful than this, but it would allow her to die as Celeste. Instead, she gets vehicular slaughter, a commonplace death worthy of a commonplace girl like Taeko Yasuhiro. And so she dies....in despair.

Moral of the story: don't live your life telling lies. Especially not to yourself.

[hyog-blog]

Li Lianhua character study

I love how Li Lianhua is all about maturing, changing, and basically transforming after a huge trauma. When you're in your 30s it hits differently as you've been through stuff, and you know how to rise from the ashes and re-invent yourself (if not, that's perfectly okay, too).

I just relate to this so much, the ability to go on and choose life no matter what. Li Lianhua is like a terminally ill patient with a ticking clock attached to his lifespan. 10 years is enough time to learn how to cherish whatever precious moments you have in life (even if all your loved ones are either gone, busy with their lives, or locked themselves inside a cave somewhere). It really doesn't matter at this point - all you've got is YOU, and that's what you have to deal with. And you either find new meanings or become forever a ghost of your former self.

See, I like how Li Lianhua didn't do that, despite his ailment. He learned to enjoy the simple things. He found a 'job' that fit his new narrative better. He ditched the heavy physical activities and started using his smarts and cunningness, relying on his brain rather than his gong-fu prowess. He developed new skills because one's life doesn't end with an injury, even if you can no longer do the very thing that WAS your life before.

When you have a clock ticking on your ENTIRE life that's got to change a person. A whole new mentality develops. So much so that he's mature enough to speak to his former GF kindly, so she finally lets him go and can look into the future. So much so that when a puppy Fang Doubing arrives at his doorstep, he doesn't want to do anything with him not to cause any more damage to the people around him. He doesn't love himself, I doubt it, but there's no avid self-pitying. It feels like he's accepted his fate for whatever reason. And that he just wants some peace.

The world being unable to let go of him is an entirely different matter. The old friends, old lovers, old family members, the death that haunts him, the past. If he could let go of that totally, he probably would have transformed, transmigrated into something else entirely, if he wasn't clinging to those bits and pieces that refused to die despite the clock ticking (but then he wouldn't be LLH I guess).

The world around him was clinging to the ghost of his former self, cherishing it like a statue of a hero that he once was, like a symbol of power, change, and youthful prowess that he no longer could or wanted to be. Fang Doubin accepted him for who he was, despite dreaming of meeting Li Xiangyi. His open heart and soul were pretty much irresistible for such an old and tired cynic whom Li Lianhua thought himself to be (otherwise, if you have hope, if you have people who love you, the ticking clock becomes too painful).

And then De Feisheng appears like a walking and talking memory of days long gone, hellbent on repeating the fight that was already in the past. That man obviously had issues of his own, but they still clicked, the connection was there, despite Li Lianhua being so different, despite reinventing himself from the ashes of his former self. I reckon it's because their connection was deeper than just the persona, the agenda, the whatever reason that got them fighting in the first place. It's just that Di Feisheng doesn't know any other type of relationship, so he fixates on what's familiar to him, and what's safe. Li Lianhua is safe as a sworn enemy, but in his mind, it might be just a skewed version of a sworn lover, a zhiji, a person who knows him like no other.

That's why for Li Lianhua their relationship is a double-edged sword. On one hand, there's a bond, a connection that survived the passage of time and his own transformation. On the other hand, Di Feisheng is trying to drag him back to where he was, to the version of himself that no longer existed.

In a way, I think, Di Feisheng partly accepted Li Lianhua, he could probably let go of the fighting thing as time went by (if they had that time together), and it would grow into something different, milder, calmer, more peaceful, more at ease with each other and themselves. I think it's a huge possibility because adjusting to new versions of people takes time (and A-Fei seems like the kind of person who has a hard time accepting that other people are not the same anymore), but it would have worked eventually.

Fang Doubing felt like a bridge between Li Xiangyi and Li Lianhua, and Di Feisheng could have walked it, getting to know his old frenemy as a re-invented, different person (which he did in the series, we just don't get to see his inner thoughts about the matter). But A-Fei and LLH reconciling in that wedding chamber and drinking wine is pretty much that - they reminisce of the old days but as themselves, in the new setting, admitting that time has passed but some things haven't changed (their bond).

I don't know I just thought about it suddenly XD I blame my dash for MLC stuffs))) I love this throuple, though.

[minorisato]

even supposing there was a detour, even if it had no guideposts

transformers / grimop / wc: 762 / warnings: NSFT, dubcon / notes: written for kinktober day 27, "size difference." tfa s3, post-"predacons rising." / consider commissioning me!

Optimus will never not be bitter, because this whole thing was distinctly not his idea, it was Prowl's. The whole thing has caused more issues than it's solved, and really Optimus wants nothing to do with any of it, but Prowl is off doing something or other, and there's a series of distress signals coming from Dinobot island, so by way of being the fucking Prime in the room it is now Optimus' responsibility to deal with it.

Cutting down vines as needed with his axe, he steadily makes his way to the coordinates Ratchet had given him. As he gets closer, he can hear the sounds of a Dinobot groaning and growling, letting out huffs and whimpers. Quirking an optical ridge, Optimus approaches a clearing where Grimlock seems to have planted himself. Steam is pouring from his olfactors with each huff, still in dino-mode, collapsed on himself. "Grimlock?" Optimus asks quietly, carefully approaching the Dinobot so as to not startle him, or provoke a reaction.

It only sort of works. Though he's noticeably less energized than usual, he does force himself up, stomping and turning to see Optimus. Steam continues to exvent from his olfactors as he does. "Puny Autobot," Grimlock greets Optimus, though it almost sounds more like an announcement. He's here, guys. Puny Autobot is here.

"Hello Grimlock," Optimus responds, sighing exasperatedly. He chooses to cut to the point and spare himself the stress of being here. "We received a multitudes of distress signals from these coordinates. I was-"

"Distress?" Grimlock cuts him off, stomping closer so that he's face-to-face with the Prime, leaning down so his snout is level with Optimus' faceplates. "Me Grimlock not distressed! Grimlock can handle it by self. No need puny Autobot help."

Optimus feels an optic twitch. "I really, really doubt that," he deadpans, quielty. "What's even the matter?" He holsters his axe, putting his servos up in a show of no harm. "I'll let you deal with it, sure, but at least tell me- what are you doing."

What it appears that Grimlock is doing is smelling Optimus, his snout poking out, a bit too close to the Prime, inventing in short, quick sniffs. "Maybe Autobot can help," he rumbles, stepping back in order to transform.

"Grimlock, what's going o- hey!" Optimus shouts, as the mech suddenly yanks him closer so that the Prime is pressed to the larger mech's chassis. With Grimlock being down like he is (still fucking sniffing Optimus,) they're practically level with each other. Being pressed to him like this, Optimus can suddenly feel just how warm Grimlock is, his plating almost burning to touch. "Grimlock, you're... you're overheating."

"Grimlock too warm," the Dinobot exvents, servos trailing over Optimus' chassis, down to his waist, and then down past his codpiece to rest on his thighs. Optimus shudders at the feeling- he's being so gentle. Uncharacteristically so. He doesn't stop Grimlock from touching him- he doesn't want to, not if he's going to be this sweet about it. "Optimus... help."

Optimus resets his vocals as Grimlock adjusts, sitting on the ground of the clearing, and uses his grip on Optimus' thighs to raise the Prime's legs up, pressing them to his own chassis. Hurriedly, Optimus wraps an arm around the back of Grimlock's throat cabling, so that he doesn't fall. Grimlock has him, sure, but better safe than sorry. Still, though, Optimus doesn't want to stop him. "Are you really just charged up?" Optimus asks, attempting to sound frustrated or disappointed, though it doesn't seem like either of those feelings really make it through. "Is that why you kept barraging us with distress signals?"

"Wasn't on purpose," Grimlock lets out, a bit pathetically, as his array paneling slides back and suddenly Optimus is staring down at Dinobot spike and fucking, by the Allspark.

"Grimlock," Optimus starts, resetting his optics just to make sure he saw it correctly. "Grimlock, that's not going to fit."

Grimlock seems to hesitate, to consider this for a second, before grinding the appendage up against Optimus' still-closed codpiece, causing the Prime to invent suddenly. "Puny Autobot not that puny," Grimlock figures, continuing the action.

Being "puny" has nothing to do with it, it's definitely too big, Optimus wants to say, but all his vocalizer can spit out is shuddering moans, pants, and static. "Grimlock," he can just barely say, "Grimlock-"

"Optimus needs to open," Grimlock grumbles, burying his helm into said mech's throat cabling.

Fuck it, Optimus decides, and does open his valve cover. So much for him being sweet and gentle, but fuck it.

[h34vybottom]

Currently listening to an older folding ideas video about a badly written movie and got reminded of things that bothered me from my latest article that never got included.

Late in Persona 5, there's a worthless scene where Sakamoto and Morgana are arguing about literally nothing, a recurring "joke" that doesn't need to exist, and Kitagawa and Futaba start arguing as well. The writing says that they're often arguing. Kitagawa Yusuke and Sakura Futaba almost never speak to each other. Their "hostility" comes from one scene where Kitagawa rearranges some dolls. These characters have maybe 3 interactions total in a 100 hour game and the rerelease's new storyline. In an attempt to repeat a joke they just did in the same scene, they had to invent a relationship that they could have actually made at any point previously but never bothered to.

Madarame and Kaneshiro's arcs do not matter to the story and could be completely removed. Their only point is to add Niijima and Kitagawa to the main party, which could have been done w/out wasting 30 hours on two awful dungeons that never matter. Late in the game, in a throw away line, some random character claims that Madarame and Kaneshiro were related to Shido, but that's so lazy. Kaneshiro has a different line when he was "relevant" vaguing about someone higher up, but his connection to Shido just doesn't actually exist. Kaneshiro was sending him money, but Shido's funding comes from the wealthy elsewhere. So. Doesn't really add up. Show, don't tell.

In PVs, there was a hideout spot that got cut. This hideout has a lot more character to it than anything in the final game, which hideouts consists of a dusty attic, a café, a rooftop w/ some desks on it, and half of a walkway. They're all very sterile and bland environments, one of which has two hideouts in it and is the home of the protagonist, making it the most used location (even outside of hideouts).

Yoshizawa has animations and placements in the attic hideout before she joins the party proper and before she unlocks her demon. These animations go unused. This rings as quite odd to me, but I find Yoshizawa's whole thing to be odd overall. She claims in her only story scene of relevance for literally 85% of the game that she's not going to be saved again by the protagonist. That saved again line references when she awakened her demon, but she wasn't particularly "saved" at that point. She confidently challenges the demon to a fight, wins, and then manages to stay steady instead of succumbing to fatigue after the fight (Of course, they also include a magical girl transformation here. The thing they've done before. Oh wait no they haven't and it's done to ogle her body). Yoshizawa doesn't do anything for the narrative, which fits into her archetype of the mystery girl, but those cut animations make me think they wanted to add her into the mid-game and then have her return proper for the Niijima dungeon escape sequence in November.

The fishing mini-game is pretty awful. Fish don't bother to go near the hook unless it's directly in front of their face. This is tedious for obvious reasons, but doubly so if the fishing upgrade isn't unlocked, which makes it so it's possible to see where the fucking hook will land. Having to waste a time slot to reading a book to get filler content to work properly is shit and embarrassing. Fishing has become mechanically more complex since 2008, but much worse overall. Gone is the simple, but effective for a pointless mini-game instead there's a system that feels forced in (it was obviously forced in).

Morgana is a complete copy paste of Kuma, but replace all of the times Kuma added Kuma into words w/ awful cat "jokes" and using wagahai (Because cats are so self important, do you get it???? Soseki Natsume do you get it????). Morgana does not feel necessary for any of the events and his one moment of big drama where he leaves the party is instantly resolved and had no consequences or value. Morgana is also kind of a sex pest. Like Kuma was. Someone should stop Atlus from releasing anything ever.

The Royal added giri-choco scenes a day after Valetine's. But only for the girls. Atlus. Sakamoto will still give choco if the player isn't dating anyone, which of course, still includes the homophobic joke line. Atlus. The original game skipped White Day despite the game ending after White Day, which is an odd bit of misogyny where they just only bother to make scenes where the girls and women exist purely for sex objects and don't deserve to be treated in kind for their love. As an aside, the dialogue options for giri-choco scenes have a few repeated lines. I find it kind of obnoxious that one of their "joke" lines is to say "As lovers?" in response to getting choco. Like it's a social obligation and the characters usually say something along the lines beforehand. Just kind of annoys me that they think joking about receiving obligation chocolate as romantic to characters the player has to reject romantically (Which they're usually hurt after the rejection). Seems kind of mean spirited.

There's a scene after Shido where a bunch of corrupt politicians and the current head of the SIU (All unnamed, of course, heaven forbid we have actual characters) all say that they're going to continue doing Shido's bullshit and then that never comes up again. Not a single thing there ever comes back and it's kind of odd. One of those guys is Niijima's boss. The previous head of the SIU was going to kill her after using her mind palace (literal) to entrap teenagers. The new guy isn't going to bother despite trying to continue on Shido's bullshit?? Why the fuck does that scene exist?

It's just kind of sad that modern Persona is like the most popular RPG series and so often the first RPG series for people today. This isn't just because modern Persona is the absolute worst. Not insignificant though

[novantinuum]

top 5 side characters (from anything at all)

Oooooh side characters... that's a good question... I think I'll pick my fav side character from my most recent fandoms, one from each.

5) (Doctor Who) Missy- This incarnation of the Master is always very fun to watch, because her actress Michelle Gomez absolutely spends every second chewing the scenery clear off the walls. I also always enjoyed how they gave her a clear character arc in the seasons she appeared in- plus, it was lovely to see an incarnation of the Master who wasn't clear-cut "evil" as past ones have been, but rather Chaotic Neutral, and just in the game for the benefit of herself.

4) (The Legend of Zelda) Revali. A lot of the gaming community drags on this one, but I think there's a ton of interesting threads one can pull from what little we get of him in BotW canon that lend towards a fascinating picture of an incredibly insecure young warrior who's lashing out against someone (Link) who he sees as gaining everything he ever wanted but never working a second for it, as opposed to his hard, years-long struggle in perfecting his special flying ability. It's sad, in the end- because had he realized that Link was burdened by his own destiny and worked just as hard as he had to himself feel "deserving" of it, I bet they might've been able to find something to connect over, and became friends.

3) (The Adventure Zone) Barry Bluejeans- Goddammnit, FUCK YOU BARRY BLUEJEANS for having such a stupid ass name and making me CRY over you in just one 5 minute prologue! I really, really love this NPC... there's such a deep tragedy to his story- losing his wife and his whole found family and not even being able to remember that they're gone while in human form- and yet, every time he dies and goes back into lich form and remembers it all, still he manages to pick himself up and try again. Work harder. Work smarter. Set himself up for success each time he clones himself and returns to his human form to make his plan work. He fights tirelessly for YEARS without an ounce of thanks just because he loves his family and the world they've entered so much that he wants to make sure they'll all be safe, in the end. What a man.

2) (Gravity Falls) Fiddleford McGucket- For such an otherwise funny but unremarkable joke character back in season 1, it was amazing how the writers were ultimately able to transform him into such a tragic figure, and utilize him to give context to why the whole town literally pays no heed to any of the weirdness going on all around them. He's the sort of character who gives the show amazing re-watch energy- at this point, when I go back through the show, every single appearance he has just makes me feel incredibly sad- AND a lot of his otherwise "random" or "quirky" characteristics start to make a lot more sense. He's a man who lives in the dump, but is capable of building incredibly complex machines?" He's a literal genius mechanic who's simply gone through severe memory slippage. Said memory slippage? Self-inflicted by a memory erasing device he invented himself. Said memory erasing device? Has been used in the years since to purge the town of their memories of the supernatural. His backstory blasts open a whole new door of lore possibilities in this show. Love him.

1) (Steven Universe) Connie Connie Connie Connie Connie- Connie, my LOVE- I feel like by the end of the show she's grown into more of a main character than just a side, but that shows perhaps just HOW much wonderful development she gets throughout her journey. She grew from a timid young girl unsure of herself and her place in the world around her, to a fierce teen who has purpose, ambitions, and has a whole constellation of connections and confidants ready to cheer her on. I'm really proud of her <3

Every single time she showed up on screen for a new episode I got like, indescribably happy and went "damn this is going to be a good one," and basically every single SU reactor I've seen has had the same experience, so I think that alone shows how beloved Connie is, and how well written a character she is too. It's always great to have such a grounded presence amidst characters living in a world of fantasy.

[synnthamonsugar]

savathun for the accurate depictions meme?

Pick a character I am likely to have Feelings/Opinions about and I will give and explain the top five ideas/concepts/etc that I believe are essential to accurately depicting them.

Savathun's also a hard one to get a read on. A lot of these are more in the realm of ... concepts and archetypes and vibes that I strongly associate with Savathun rather than cut-and-dry traits that I headcanon her having, though you can definitely derive specific traits from these.

1. Tricksters. Granted, this is not so much a feeling as it is well-established subtext. Hell, Truth To Power elevated it to TEXT, all-caps, shouted from a megaphone:

Call me Coyote. Call me mantis, serpent, Cagn, Anansi, call me Sri-cleans-his-brother's-stomach.

Which like, okay, at the time I wasn't sure if this was accurate to her characterization, or Savathun trying to paint herself as the protagonist of her story, but now that we know she's stealing the Light and bestowing it to her people ... she is an archetypal trickster-culture hero.

I think that any accurate depiction of Savathun has to take into account those character types and what they represent: moral ambiguity, transgression, boundary-crossing, refashioning, disruption and redistributing power. Getting into and out of hard situations and suffering the consequences of actions, but never for long.

2. Transformation.

SHE GOT INTO A CHRYSALIS AND IS PUPATING INTO A MOTH. DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT.

But seriously, that every time we've heard from her she's been different - as Sathona, as a young Hive God slain by her brother to become stronger, as an undercover agent infiltrating a society to study their Wish Dragons, as Eris by letter (and the mask slipping and cascading through a set of identities before looping back to Eris again), as Scribe Savat, as a voice beyond an event horizon, as the Taken Queen, as Osiris, as a big honking chunk of amethyst who croons promises to us.

I like to play around with that idea in my written and drawn depictions of her, having her take different forms for different circumstances, be different things to different people. because that feels natural for her at this point.

3. Esoteric and occult practices, especially alchemy, which is best known for its pursuit of immortality and turning base elements into precious ones, but also dealt with the idea of spiritual purification, all of which are relevant to Savathun's story. That it's arguably the most "scientific" field of magic by forming the early foundation of chemistry is also important here.

I'd also like to give a shout out to chaos magic, which is a results-based branch of magic. Its rejection of absolute truth and objective reality, and its self-proof - that it works because the practitioner believes it does, free of any higher powers - feels immensely Savathun-y to me.

So I like to view and write Savathun as a scientist-magician, a witch, an experimentalist, a proof-writer and programmer of realities.

4. Family issues. As I've said before, I can't not read Savathun's departure from the Sword Logic and her sibling(s) as a metaphor for leaving toxic family situations. Especially when she's attempting to forge new, almost-familial bonds with people (Crow, The Guardian) which reads to me in the same sort of way as people getting out of bad family situations trying to find people of their own.

To that end I think she should have a kind of ... yearning, for her first life with her siblings, before the pact, for the world she destroyed, for the bonds forged and annihilated over the years. And for the life she could invent, for the friends and allies she could make.

5. Niceness. Not goodness but niceness. I think Savathun should always be friendly, always be helpful, even when she's doing the worst thing imaginable, because she's doing it for the right reasons. (Source: Savathun.) Her kindness is her menace, and her terror is her familiarity. There is no contradiction to her between being our friend and destroying us.

[chronicallylatetotheparty]

(Written for Adrien August... I'm not sorry)

Bad Luck: Frozer

Summary: Adrien struggles to move on from his first crush so he confides in one of his friends. Or is she more than a friend?

-------------------------------

Chat Noir smiled sadly down at the red rose in his hands. Passion, romance, true love, he recalled in his head.

"Chat?"

Hiding the rose behind his back as he turned around, Chat Noir grinned at the question in Ladybug's eyes. "I have to say that rescuing civilians without a supervillain around is a nice change of pace. Don't you think, My Lady?"

"Not every day you see a hang glider delivery service," she agreed, smiling at the nickname.

Chest suddenly constricting Chat Noir's smile became a touch strained. "Love to stay and chat but this cat's gotta run!" Taking out his baton he extended it, launching himself away.

"Oh! See you la... ter..." Ladybug called to his retreating form.

---------------

Landing in the empty locker room Adrien detransformed in a flash of green light. Plagg stretching as he came out of the ring.

Eyeing Adrien's downcast features, Plagg pried at his holder. "It's not like you to leave Ladybug so abruptly."

"Yeah..." Adrien absently offered a wedge of Camembert to his floating friend who promptly swallowed it whole. "Guess I just need some time to myself."

"So she turned you down. There's plenty of other kinds of cheese!"

Despite himself Adrien smiled. "You need better metaphors."

Plagg shrugged. "You could always take it literally. You can never have enough cheese!"

Adrien rolled his eyes as he changed into his fencing gear. Plagg wasn't as articulate as he thought but... he wasn't wrong...

These thoughts swirled in Adrien's head as he joined Kagami at practice.

A mistake he paid for when Kagami knocked him off his feet. Standing, Adrien parried as Kagami lunged. She always gave her all in beating her opponent. Scoring a point he smiled and they retook their positions.

But his heart still wasn't into the sparing session and her next lunge drove him off balance. Her foil poking into his chest.

"Predictable," Kagami chastised.

Eyes narrowing, Adrien's more competitive nature surged forward at her words. Heart beating faster, grip tightening on his foil and-

It was gone as soon as it came.

Leaving Adrien vulnerable to Kagami's strike...

---------------

Adrien stared pensively at his fencing helmet. He knew Ladybug didn't like him the same way he liked her. That wasn't anything new. So why was he-

"What's wrong, Adrien? Usually I like beating you but it's no fun when you make it this easy." Kagami stood in front of him with an unreadable expression.

Adrien gave her a bittersweet smile. "You ever feel like you're stuck, Kagami? Like, no matter how much you try to move forward, nothing will ever, ever change?"

Kagami blinked in surprise as Adrien opened up to her. This wasn't what she was expecting... Sitting next to him Kagami took a moment to collect her thoughts. "Adrien. The biggest mistake a fencer can make isn't choosing the wrong technique. It's choosing the wrong target."

Oh. She liked metaphors too. Well, with his luck to was bound to-

Her hand gently cupped his cheek and turned his head to face her. "So, switch targets."

...Oh. A rose tint colored Adrien's cheeks. Kagami was always beautiful but for some reason... it was especially true just then.

Smiling in encouragement Kagami grabbed her things and walked out of the locker room. Leaving Adrien to his thoughts.

He stared after her for a moment... Launching to his feet Adrien raced after her in a moment of sheer panic and recklessness.

"Kagami!" Adrien practically shouted.

Not having gone far Kagami turned around, puzzled.

Taking a deep breath, heart pounding against his ribs, Adrien let out the thought that propelled him to his feet. "Would you like to go out some time!?"

Kagami's eyes went wide. "Out? As in a date?"

The color on Adrien's cheeks bloomed into scarlet. Suddenly even more self-conscious he rubbed the back of his neck- "Um," -and nodded. His mouth refusing to form words.

Half turning, Kagami gave him a small smile. "I'd like that."

Adrien felt his lips pull into a grin. Heart somersaulting in his chest for some reason.

---------------

"What should I do, Plagg?" Adrien bemoaned. Head thunking onto his computer desk. "I've never been on a date before!"

"Wasn't this your idea?" Plagg flipped through his favorite cheese magazine. He swore this romance nonsense was the silliest invention humans had ever come up with. "If you ask me it's about time you expanded your palate."

"You're no help," Adrien grumbled. Lifting his head up Adrien swiveled around to look at Plagg. "What if I asked Father or Nathalie for advice?"

"Sure." Plagg stretched lazily. "If ya want them to know about you and sword girl."

Sighing, Adrien discounted that idea. "Oh! We can ask the Gorilla!"

"I don't know," Plagg mused, "doesn't seem like a good idea."

"You just don't like it 'cause he found your Camembert stash that time," Adrien teased, poking Plagg lightly.

"It was perfectly edible! How could he!?"

Chuckling at his antics, Adrien thought about who he could go to for advice...

---------------

Adrien tried not to hurry ahead of Kagami into the ice rink proper. The chill making his arm hairs stand on end. His breath sharp in his throat. Heart beating with a mix of excitement and nervousness. Asking Marinette had been a great idea!

He turned back to see Alya and Nino slowly catch up. If only she could have made it. But that essay on periwinkle migration sounded important to her... Oh, Chloe's dad was here.

As they put on their skates Adrien glanced at Kagami out of the corner of his eye. Scooting closer to Nino he whispered: "Thanks for coming last minute, Nino."

"Hey, no problem dude! Anything for my bro." Nino's grin was a tad forced and his eyes drifted to something behind Adrien before snapping back.

"I don't know what to do with Kagami."Adrien admitted, leaning in. "Should I... offer to hold her hand?"

"Yes!" Nino snapped his fingers and held up finger guns at Adrien. His eyes flickered away again. "I mean, no! I mean- Why don't you take it slow?"

Adrien turned around to see what Nino was looking at but it was just Alya smiling politely, hands behind her back. Probably waiting patiently for him to finish with her boyfriend.

Straightening, Adrien smiled at her. "Thanks for coming, Alya."

"No big deal! Just a double date, right!" Alya smiled wide in an attempt to draw attention away from her accidental inflection.

"...Right." Adrien politely declined to comment on it.

"Anyway!" Alya grabbed Nino's hand and dragged him off. "We'll let you two get to it!"

Adrien turned back to Kagami, who was tying her skates. Hesitantly, he made his way over and stood beside her.

"Don't be scared," Kagami promised conspiratorially as she looked up, "I won't tell anyone."

"About what?" Adrien asked slowly.

"That you don't know how to tie your laces," she teased, kneeling down to do just that. Once done Kagami smiled at him, grabbed his hand and led him onto the ice.

---------------

"I can't believe you agreed to this!" Alya stage whispered. Arm locked tightly around Nino's elbow as they skated on the opposite side of the rink.

"Aw, c'mon Als. Y'know I couldn't leave my bro hanging like that!" Nino widened his eyes and tried to sparkle them like Adrien had. "He gave me the look. How could I say no to that?"

"I know..." Alya sighed. The crease between her eyes softening from accusation to guilt. "I just..." Adrien and Kagami caught her eye as they skated hand in hand. "Feel like I'm betraying my girl just by being here."

Nino patted her hand and gave her a soft smile. "I'm sure the dudette will understand." His gaze drifted towards Adrien and Kagami. "Besides... I don't think she'd want to see this."

"Hey, young man! Have you ever thought about signing up for ice skating lessons!?"

--------------

Kagami turned her head as Alya and Nino skated past them on their lap. "Did you invite them because you were scared of being alone with me?"

"Of course not!" Adrien lied, waving his hand to ward off her words. "It's just... that I asked Nino to help... me."

Her brow creased. "Help you with what?"

"Uh, to perfect my figure skating skills!" Adrien decided.

"But you don't need him for that." Suddenly, Kagami let go of his hand and launched into a short routine of spins and twirls.

Adrien blinked at her presentation before an appreciative smile graced his lips. Kagami has so many talents, Adrien thought as she talked with that man who had been discussing something with Mayor Bourgeois.

Seamlessly, Kagami interlaced their fingers as she took his hand again and pulled him forward with her momentum. Glancing at his smile through the corner of her eye.

"Adrien Agreste, I can see it now!" The skating instructor (that's what he was) was suddenly beside Adrien. "Grace and style model! And professional ice skating champion! If you take lessons with me I'll have you shining like the candles on a birthday cake!"

Skating? Adrien had never thought about it before. "Uh, may-beeee!"

Kagami switched their positions so she was closest to the instructor. "He already does fencing with me," she informed him. And sped up with Adrien in tow.

Adrien stared at the back of Kagami's head. She was very assertive in her desires, bold even. Kagami knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to go for it. He admired that about her, was drawn to it. Kagami would meet any challenge without backing down.

Just like Ladybug.

His fingers slipped from Kagami's grasp as he slowed to a stop. Staring at the floor as his cheeks burned not with embarrassment but shame.

"Adrien? What is it?" Kagami asked as she circled back.

Adrien smiled. "Nothing. I just have to use the restroom real quick." Turning, he let his smile fall as he left the rink.

Plagg poked his head out of his pocket once they were alone. "What's gotten into you, kid?"

Adrien stared at him. "I don't know."

Worry started to prick at Plagg's fur. "Adrien-"

"I don't know what I want, Plagg!" His heart hammered against his chest, pulse rising to his throat. "Kagami knows. Ladybug knows. Chat Noir thought he knew but... but I don't." Adrien wrapped his arms around himself, making himself smaller.

"... Listen, you're young right? Even by human standards? Like a freshly made wheel of Camembert."

Adrien frowned, turning away. "Plagg-"

"Hear me out!" Plagg zipped closer to Adrien's face, keeping in his line of sight. "But freshly made Camembert is terrible! It's got no flavor! No delicious scent! You need to let it age to bring out all the good stuff."

Adrien glanced at Plagg. Seeing his tail twitching in concern even if he wouldn't voice it. Strangely, Adrien understood what he was trying to say.

"All cheeses age differently. There's nothing wrong with taking your time." Plagg finished, not quite satisfied with how it came out.

Adrien smiled at him, reaching out to pet his head. "Thanks, Plagg."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Plagg let himself be petted. Not because he enjoyed it, of course. It just happened to make Adrien feel better.

Suddenly, ice started crawling up the walls. Magic coming from the ice rink. "Oh, no. Guess we have to go save the day," Plagg said, very disappointedly, yes.

Adrien grinned as he brought out the transformation cheese. "Uh-huh."

---------------

Chat Noir's good humor lasted until he spotted Ladybug on a rooftop. Oh. He didn't... want to see her right now. Reluctantly, he landed beside her. Doing his best to keep the conflicting emotions wrestling in his chest off his face.

"Chat Noir! We need to set up a trap for whoever turned the city into a giant ice rink." Ladybug anchored her yo-yo onto a nearby building, ready to take off.

Say something. Say something! "My feline instincts prefer to track and observe before I attack." Ha! Nailed it! Chat Noir scooted closer to the roof's edge as he scanned the frozen city.

Ladybug gave him a puzzled look. "What? Since when?"

Chat Noir pouted. "Rude."

Shaking her head as she fought back a fond smile Ladybug inched towards him. "We have to work together on this."

His hand rubbed the back of his neck, catching her eye. "I don't know. We don't have to do everything together. If we split up we'll have a better chance of finding him." Chat Noir jumped. "Race you!"

"Chat Noir, be careful!" Ladybug called out as he sped away. "... Okay, so he's acting weird. Not the first time he's acted weird. It'll be fine!" She cast her yo-yo and swung off. I hope.

---------------

Being by himself helped Adrien order his thoughts. His feelings were all over the place so he focused on doing what he told Ladybug he was gonna do. It was child's play to follow the only imperfection on otherwise smooth ice. Leading him to the Eiffel Tower where the akuma victim was hiding.

Okay. Now I just need to-

Frozer launched himself at Ladybug!

Acting quickly Chat Noir tackled Ladybug out of the way. Grabbing her hand and leading her onto the frozen Seine. Skating away at top speed to put some distance between them and Frozer.

"Thanks, kitty!" Ladybug smiled.

And Adrien smiled back. Confusing questions forgotten for the moment. Then Frozer launched shards of ice; Chat Noir letting go of Ladybug's hand so they could dodge it. Only then realizing that he'd been holding it at all.

"He's too fast!"

She was right. Frozer easily kept pace with them. Leaping into the air to launch more ice shards. Rounding a bend in the river they were out of sight for a second. Taking advantage of it to hide.

"I'm positive the akuma's in his skates," Ladybug stated once Frozer passed them.

"My Cataclysm could destroy them but he'd have to be up in the air... You were right My Lady. We're going to have to set a trap."

"You were right, too. We observed and now we know enough."

Chat Noir smiled. "Seems we're just missing a little push of luck to get the edge on him."

Ladybug nodded. "Lucky Charm!"

---------------

Adrien raced back to the ice rink. In the end the plan had been pretty straightforward. Ladybug baited Frozer into following her while Chat Noir laid in wait.

Business as usual. Except...

'Are you sure you're okay? You've been off since yesterday.'

'...I'm just figuring some things out. Might take me a while but that's okay... Thanks for worrying about me.'

Being around Ladybug didn't make him feel quite so sad anymore. Chat Noir meant it when he said her friendship was important to him, after all. And... Adrien was happy. That he could be normal around her.

He spotted Alya and Nino discussing something, waving at them as he looked for... There. Kagami was returning her skates. Adrien walked up to her, fidgeting with his ring. "Uh, hey, Kagami. Sorry I ran off like that."

"It is fine. We were interrupted anyway."

Adrien couldn't tell how she meant that but he took a deep breath and forged ahead. "So, I know I'm the one who asked you out and all. But..."

Kagami frowned. "Are you saying you do not wish to date me?"

"No!" Adrien waved both hands emphatically in the negative. "No, no, no! I just... wanted to say that I think we should take it slow."

She raised an eyebrow. "We go any slower and our pace will be glacial."

Adrien was 90 percent sure that was a joke... 80 percent. "W-well if you think it's too much of a challenge..."

Kagami's eyes widened at Adrien's audacity. She poked him in the chest. "Don't flatter yourself, Agreste."

Without thinking, Adrien grabbed her hand and kissed the back of her palm. Kagami's answering blush nowhere near as radiant as Adrien's. Why did I do that!? Who froze for a moment before turning around. "W-wouldn't dream of it... Ryuko."

"Ryuko?" Kagami raised a brow at the nickname.

Adrien's hand went back to rubbing his neck. "I can call you something else if you don't like it."

"No," Kagami decided, a small smile on her lips as she passed Adrien on her way to the exit. "Ryuko will do just fine."

"... So, that's a yes?" Adrien sprinted to catch up.

"Mm, perhaps if you define what you think 'taking it slow' is."

Adrien leapt in front of her and held out his hand. "Let us drive you home?"

Kagami blinked at the offered hand. Slowly reaching out for it. His palm was warm in hers. "Going slow is not too bad. I suppose," she relented.

Adrien beamed. "Oh! Just one last thing!"

--------------

Kagami entered the Agreste car as Adrien held the door open, sliding in behind her. "You're still doing what other people want."

"No, I just want him to be happy," Adrien countered. Giving the skating instructor free advertising didn't cost him anything. "Besides, how're we supposed to come back if it's a Chloe catered gym?"

"Back?" That sounded promising.

Adrien rubbed the back of his neck and couldn't quite look at her but he smiled. "Since our first date was cut short I was hoping we could try again."

Kagami gazed at Adrien as he fidgeted. "Just the two of us?"

"Y-yup!" Adrien's face burned.

"Good. You're crush on Nino was distracting."

"Wh-what!?" Adrien spluttered.

"... You're crush on Nino? I thought everyone knew. Personally, I prefer Alya but-"

"I don't- That is- I..." Adrien's shoulders slumped. "His eyes are so beautiful, it's like he stares into your soul."

Kagami's hands hovered awkwardly. "I am sorry. I thought you knew."

Adrien buried his face in his hands to muffle his yelling. "I thought I only had the one thing! This is... I don't even know how many things this is!"

Reaching for his hand again, Kagami squeezed it reassuringly. Back straightening as his grip turned out stronger than she expected.

He peeked at her through the splayed fingers covering his red face. Breath speeding up. "I... I don't..."

"You don't have to say anything. I know it is not easy to come to terms with."

Nodding gratefully, Adrien slowly took his hand away from his face. Taking deep breaths.

Kagami relaxed as Adrien did the same. This wasn't what she was expecting. But that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Turns out, Kagami had been aiming at the wrong target too.

Adrien's grip eased as he looked up at Kagami. That was... certainly a lot. But Kagami hadn't turned away from him. Only a handful of people had ever seen him so vulnerable. And two of them preferred to pretend otherwise. But Kagami didn't pretend. And Adrien admired her for it. He smiled, wobbly and honest.

"Thanks... Ryuko."

------------------------------

In case it's unclear the two people Adrien's talking about are Gabriel and Nathalie.

*Rewatches Frozer (again) for this fic* ... If my friend fell and they said they didn't feel well I'd check up on them too. IDK why the the fandom- I mean, Plagg, is so hung up on that part.

I have taken liberties with the production of Camembert for this fic. Please, forgive my transgressions cheese enthusiasts.

@adrienaugust

[aggieadventuress]

I’m Okay, I Promise. Except I’m Lying.

by @aggieadventuress for @romeoandjulietyouwish for @friendly-neighborhood-exchange

Rating: General Audiences

Relationship: Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Morgan Stark

Summary: 5 times Peter told Tony he didn’t want to be touched +1 time Tony didn’t listen.

Read on ao3:

Peter jolted awake in bed, panting from the adrenaline of his nightmare and soaked with sweat. He tried to orient himself but he hadn’t smacked his head on the top bunk like normal and clearly this wasn’t his bed, it was too soft. He couldn’t hear the sounds of the city outside their apartment walls and he felt completely lost for a few moments before realizing that he was in the guest bedroom at Mr. Stark's lake house. Because it had been 5 years, and he didn’t have a set of bunk beds in their apartment in Queens. Because May didn’t live in that apartment anymore, she lived in Manhattan. With Happy Hogan. Mr. Stark’s head of security but more importantly, her boyfriend.

He was staying at the lake house for the summer while May and Happy were off on some relief worker trip. As bad as things were in New York after the second snap, a lot of countries were even worse off and May, ever the philanthropist, had to help. She originally wasn't going to go when her hospital brought up the opportunity, worried about Peter, but he assured her he would be fine because he didn't want to stand in the way of her helping people who really needed it. He was fine, or was at least close to fine. Or, he was getting to be close to fine.

Peter could not let himself spiral further into his state of panic, it was hard enough to breathe already, he needed to focus on doing that right now. He stared down into his lap, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. In and out, that’s all he needed to do.

Peter was so focused on controlling his breathing that he didn’t hear the creak of the door as someone walked into his bedroom. He felt the dip of the bed next to him though and turned his head to the side to verify who he already knew it was.

Mr. Stark was wearing plaid pajama pants and a worn AC/DC shirt and had clearly actually been asleep, which was so different from the man Peter had known before the snap. Before Mr. Stark would have been wide awake, wired on caffeine and inventing something crazy in his lab, but that just showed how much had changed.

Before either of them had time to speak, a bleary-eyed Morgan appeared in the doorway.

“Peter? Daddy? Are you okay?” Morgan asked, drowsily rubbing a fist at one of her eyes still half-asleep.

“I’m fine Morgs, I’m sorry for waking you up,” Peter replied, his stomach clenching with guilt for disturbing her.

“You didn’t wake me up, Daddy did. He was being loud in the hallway talking to Friday so I wanted to see,” Morgan said.

That didn’t make Peter feel much better, because whether he had directly woken Morgan or Friday and Tony had woken her up while discussing him, which is what he assumed would have been happening, it was still his fault.

Morgan came into the room and crawled up on the bed on the side of Peter that Tony wasn’t occupying. “Did you have a bad dream?” She asked innocently and then without waiting for a response, “I have bad dreams sometimes. You should ask daddy for a hug. That will fix it.” Morgan spoke pragmatically as if the solution to all of Peter’s problems was that simple.

“Kids right, I’ve been known to have pretty spectacular hugs. Can scare away all of the monsters within a three-mile radius,” Tony deadpanned, but his tone was betrayed by the small smile on his face.

Morgan nodded vehemently in agreement with her dad’s statement. “It’s true,” she added seriously, “I’ve never once seen a monster while daddy was holding me. I’ve never even felt scared if I was in his arms.”

“I have,” Peter muttered under his breath, thinking it was too quiet to hear and still staring at his sheets so he didn’t see the absolutely crestfallen look on Tony’s face at his confession. Tony knew immediately what Peter was talking about. The kid had dissolved in his arms on an alien planet and no amount of hugging would ever make the fear from that memory go away.

“Could I at least try?” Tony asked, moving in for a hug, but pausing when Peter flinched and moved away from him.

“No thanks. I mean, I’d rather you didn’t…I mean, I’m fine. I really don’t want a hug right now. I actually could use a little bit of space. A few minutes, just to myself. Please.”

Tony dropped his arms slowly to his sides and stood from the bed. “Of course, whatever you need Peter. But it’s a standing offer, free hugs whenever you want them. Day or night. It’s the same for Morgan, I’m always available.

Peter nodded but his gaze had returned to his lap. Tony reached out a hand as if to pat him on the shoulder but then thought better of it. He wasn’t a psychologist but after all of the trauma Peter had been through, he figured it was a completely valid response to want space right now. He needed to respect that, as much as it killed him to watch his kid suffer. He just wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him tight until all of his pain melted away, but that wasn’t an option if it wasn’t what Peter wanted.

“Well, I’m going to take the princess…” Tony started to say.

“I was promoted to Prime Minister daddy, you know that,” Morgan interrupted exasperated.

“Sorry, of course. I am going to take the Prime Minister back to her own bed now, do you think you can try to get back to sleep?” Tony asked.

Peter nodded into his lap again and Tony couldn’t help the small sigh that escaped him seeing how dejected Peter was.

“Right,” He said, not believing Peter for a second, “well if you can’t, let me know and we can watch a movie or something. I hear 2 am is the best time to watch Star Wars.” When even that didn’t elicit more than a grunt of response, he knew it was time to let it go and give Peter the space he so clearly wanted.

“Come along Madame Prime Minister,” Tony said, scooping Morgan into his arms and carrying her through the door.

“I answer to your Royal Lordship now,” Peter heard Morgan explain from the hallway on the way back to her room.

“I’ve been thinking that I should take over the world. I think people would be a lot happier as my royal subjects then they are right now. And Gerald has said he would be my Vice Queen and I think he’d do a pretty good job. Mommy can be an advisor and I think you would make a very good royal train conductor. Did you know that an engineer is another word for a train conductor?”

“Thanks, Morgana, but I think you should wait until your a little older to start planning your world domination. Mull it over a bit more. It’d be awfully time consuming and I don’t know that you’d have time to host your famous tea parties.”

“Your probably right. I’m much too busy to be a ruler right now.”

Peter lay back in his bed, still wide-awake, staring at his ceiling and listening to the conversation Tony and Morgan were having as the man tried to put her back to bed. He ached to let the man hold him and comfort him like he did Morgan. He wanted to let his mentor wrap his arms around him like some sort of shield from the realities of the world. But he couldn’t have that. He was too broken and too damaged to let Tony touch him - to let anyone touch him right now. If he gave in and let Tony hold him, Peter knew that little bit of comfort would make him fall apart and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to put himself back together again.

He was caught up in his own self deprecating thoughts and didn’t immediately notice when Tony reappeared in his doorway.

“So what’s the plan, sleep or movie? I am absolutely down for either,” Tony offered quietly.

“I’ll just go back to sleep I think. Thanks for the offer though,” Peter answered, exhaustion making his voice sound hoarse.

Tony looked at him appraisingly, seemingly trying to decide if he was going to let this go or if he was going to push the issue. “Okay, well if you need anything, just come get me, or if you don’t want to, ask Friday. I don’t usually sleep much anyway so don’t worry that you might wake me, I’ll probably be working or something anyway,” Tony tried to comfort Peter, but he saw through the offer. He knew Tony actually did sleep now that he had his own kid and a somewhat normal life, but he appreciated that the lie was supposed to help ease his guilt.

Tony hesitated in the doorway and then turned to go. He stopped a few steps into the hallway and turned back to look at Peter. Peter met his eyes for the first time that night.

“Peter, you can talk to me about anything,” Mr. Stark’s voice was pleading, “You know that, right?”

Peter nodded and then moved to lay back down under his covers and added, “I’m okay, I promise.”

- 2 -

It was Friday and Peter had been at the lake house for five days and hadn’t slept through the night for any of them. He had explicitly told Friday not to inform Mr. Stark when he had a nightmare but either she hadn’t listened, or the man had some sort of sixth sense because he would always come. Before Peter could orient himself and catch his breath, Mr. Stark would be there. They had fallen into a routine of sorts; the man would sit next to him in silence for a few minutes while Peter collected himself. If Peter was having a lot of trouble, Mr. Stark would breathe really deeply, slowly, encouraging Peter to copy him. Once he had calmed down a bit, Mr. Stark would ask him if he wanted to talk and Peter would always say no. After the second night when Mr. Stark had tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder and Peter had violently flinched away and ended up tumbling out of his bed, Mr. Stark had kept his distance. Peter wanted to scream in frustration at how much he wanted to give in and just accept a stupid hug, but he couldn’t. Mr. Stark would always offer to stay with him or to go down to the living room or something, but Peter always sent him away, and the man always reluctantly listened.

Apparently, Friday night was movie night, and Morgan had made it very clear that his participation was not optional, no matter how exhausted he was, so that is how Peter found himself standing just outside the living room on the verge of a complete panic attack. The Starks were all sitting on the couch, Morgan between Pepper and Tony, and they had clearly left a space for him on Tony’s other side. Fortunately, everyone was focused forward on the television discussing the movie selection so no one noticed Peter staring at the couch and having an internal freak-out about whether or not he could actually handle sitting that close to Mr. Stark.

Finally, he decided to sit in the chair on the opposite side of the room and made to walk over there. His movement caught Tony’s eye.

“Hey kid, come sit with us,” he offered, patting the empty cushion next to him.

“Yah Petey, come sit with us,” Morgan echoed.

“No thank Morgs,” Peter opted to respond to her instead of Tony, hoping it would be easier. “I take up a lot of space so I’m going to claim this whole chair for myself.”

Morgan squinted her eyes and stared at him as if trying to assess if this was an acceptable explanation or if she found his “a lot of space” determination to be accurate. He must have passed her inspection because she didn’t look happy, but she eventually nodded and turned back toward the TV.

Tony was not so easy to appease and the man stared at Peter with a questioning look in his eyes. Peter wanted to tell him that he was afraid to sit next to him in case he relaxed too much and fell asleep. He was afraid that if he curled up in that corner of the couch, so close to the protective embrace of his mentor, he might be able to breathe a little better and abate his anxiety just for a bit. If he let himself sleep, he would dream, and if he dreamt, he’d be on Titan again and he just couldn’t handle it right now. He had adjusted to the near constant state of tension in his body and knew better than to all of a sudden let himself relax.

He broke eye contact with Mr. Stark, settled into the arm chair, and turned to face the TV. Now that he was seated Morgan instructed Friday, “Play the Incredibles, Friday!” And the movie started.

Peter could barely focus on the screen because he was so tired. Despite his distance, he could hear the comforting, steady beating of Mr. Stark’s heart underneath the noise of the movie. Combined with the dim lighting in the room and the very comfortable chair he was curled up in, keeping his eyes open was a battle. Each blink lasted a bit longer than the one before until his eyes slid shut and stayed closed.

The moment he drifted to sleep in the Stark’s living room, he ‘awoke’ in the dark void of the soul stone. Alone. Completely alone. The nightmare tormented him with the feeling of dust coating his nose and mouth, with the sticky heat from his suit and with the familiar panic of being lost and abandoned in a sea of nothing. He had no concept of how much time passed in his dream, but in the midst of the nothingness, he felt an arm beneath his knees and another under his back, and then he was being lifted in the air. Peter abruptly awoke from his dream and jerked away from whatever was holding him and tumbled to the ground, his head smacking into the wooden floor with a loud ‘crack.’

“Christ kid, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Tony dropped to his knees next to Peter, his hands reaching out for the boy to check for injuries before he stopped himself and put them up in the air in front of him as if to show he meant no harm. “The movie was over and you were asleep. You’ve looked so tired lately and I didn’t want to wake you. I was just going to carry you up to your own bed. I thought that would be more comfortable. Pepper just took Morgan upstairs. I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you were having a nightmare. Although I should have guessed.” Tony said the last part more to himself.

Peter was still lying on the ground but pushed himself up so he was resting on his elbows. “It’s not your fault. Thanks for waking me, I can take myself to bed though,” Peter said and then pushed himself the rest of the way up. He swayed on his feet for a few moments and Tony’s hand hovered just below his elbow, ready to catch him, but he regained his balance after a moment.

“Peter,” Tony’s voice sounded desperate as he pled with Peter, “I want to help you. I know that you have been through so much, so much more than anyone should ever have to go through, please. Talk to me, let me help.”

Peter shook his head and started to walk toward the stairs, to go upstairs and lie awake in his own bed since he was certain there would be no sleeping for the rest of the night. “I appreciate it Mr. Stark, but I just need sleep, that’s all. Nothing wrong.”

“Peter,” Mr. Stark started again but Peter didn’t allow the man to continue. He glanced behind him before continuing upstairs and assured Tony, “I’m okay, I promise.”

- 3 -

Morgan spent all of breakfast on Saturday pestering Tony about going down to the lake to swim because it was a "bazillion and six degrees daddy" and she absolutely wouldn't survive the heat. Tony had protested that he had work to do, and as much as he'd like to go swimming, she would have to wait until later that afternoon so that he could watch her.

Peter was passively listening to their conversation, picking at the waffles on his plate, so exhausted that he didn't even feel hungry. Tony had been eyeing his still very-full plate but so far had not commented on it.

"I can take her," Peter heard himself offering, not entirely sure what compelled him to say that.

Tony looked at him with surprise, "Are you sure? You don't have to, she won't actually die, I assure you."

"Sure," Peter said. He had made the offer and Morgan had perked up considerably from her moping at his suggestion, he wasn't going to back out on her now. It wasn't her fault that he couldn't sleep and that he constantly felt like there was electricity running through his body from persistent anxiety.

"Daddy!" Tony was standing in the kitchen and heard his daughters scream coming from down by the lake. He dropped the plate he was holding and didn't even register as it shattered on the ground next to him, he was already out the door and running down to the dock.

He was pressing buttons on his watch, calling a medical suit to himself in preparation for whatever he was about to encounter. He wouldn't even let himself think of what could be waiting for him and all the hazards that swimming in the lake presented.

His heartbeat slowed just slightly as he approached the dock and saw both his kids were safely on dry land, alleviating his deepest fear that he had refused to admit, that he would find one of his kids drowning in the lake because he had been too 'busy' to come down here with them. He would never forgive himself it that ever happened and vowed that no one would go near the water again without him present. Him and a suit standing by for whatever emergency might present itself. He could plan for all that later though, right now he needed to determine what had caused his daughter panic.

As soon as Morgan caught sight of him, she ran to meet him and grabbed his hand, pulling him toward Peter. There were tear tracks running down her face and she was hiccupping through her own sobs.

"Something is wrong with Petey," she cried, "I asked him to jump off the dock with me and then as soon as we got in the water he started freaking out. He pulled us both out and he's just been sitting there crying and breathing real hard. He won't answer me and he pushed me when I tried to hug him," Morgan sobbed even harder.

"It's okay," Tony tried to soothe as they came up next to Peter, "Can you please go wait for me on the porch Morgs? I don't want you near the water and I want to be able to help Peter without worrying."

Morgan nodded, though she seemed uneasy about leaving Peter.

"Mommy is on her way home," Tony soothed her. Pepper would have gotten a notification as soon as he activated a medic suit and would probably be flying home in her own as they spoke.

“In fact," Tony thought, "Why don't you take my phone and call Mommy and talk to her. She is headed back but might be a little bit worried and will want to hear from you that you are okay." Tony pulled his phone out, Friday would have already let Pepper know everyone was okay, but it couldn’t hurt. Morgan took the phone and looked at Peter's trembling form with fear in her eyes before running toward the cabin.

With one less thing to worry about, Tony turned to the shaking kid in front of him. For the most part, Peter sat motionless except for the trembling in his shoulders. Not wanting to startle him, Tony moved around to get in front of him and in his line of sight before getting down on his knees to be on eye level.

His heart broke as he took in the sopping wet hair on Peter's head and the lake water mixing with tears as it dripped down his face.

"Hey Pete," He tried to be as gentle as possible, "are you with me? Can you tell me where you are?"

Peter continued to just stare directly ahead, eyes glazed over, not really looking at Tony, but past him and over the water. Tony very slowly reached out to place a hand on Peter's shoulder, but as soon as he made contact, Peter jolted into awareness and practically leapt backward to get away from him. Tony saw the glazed over look had been replaced with wild-eyed terror and he sat motionless, hands held up in front of him trying to appear as non-threatening as possible, waiting for Peter to recognize his surroundings.

After a few moments, the heaving breaths in Peter's chest slowed and his gaze stopped wandering around and settled on Tony.

"Hey bud, Are you with me now?" Tony tried again, keeping his voice soft and slowly lowering his hands, keeping them in view still in an attempt to be as non-threatening as possible.

Peter waited a moment, giving Tony an assessing gaze before nodding almost imperceptibly.

"That's really good. Can you help me understand what happened?" Tony cajoled.

Peter paused again before shaking his head and then softly adding, "I'm fine."

Tony had to hold back a snort at such a blatant lie from the kid, but it wouldn't do him any good to make Peter feel belittled.

"Is Morgan okay? I didn't mean to scare her," Peter added, finally looking up to meet Tony's eye.

"Morgan is completely fine. She just wanted to make sure you were okay. She's with Pepper."

Peter wasn't completely sure how it had happened, but the moment his feet his the water he was back in the lake, wrapped in a parachute and drowning. His brain stopped working but some instinct kicked in and the next thing he knew he was pulling himself and Morgan out of the lake, much to Morgan's displeasure.

"Petey, why'd we get out?" Morgan asked, the pout on her face evidence in her voice.

Peter tried to reply to her but all that came out was a wheezing breath and then he wasn't sitting on the dock anymore. He was drowning again or floating in nothingness as dust. His body was on fire from the pain of turning to dust, his lungs burning from lack of oxygen. He was too far gone to hear Morgan screaming for her dad. It wasn't until he felt the hand on his shoulder that he came back to awareness and jumped back out of reach of whoever might be trying to hurt him. He looked around frantically to make sure Morgan wasn't nearby and in any danger from this attacker but eventually his gaze settled on Tony and he realized that the threat was all in his head. He should have known that his spidey-sense would have warned him if there was a true threat and it had been nearly silent since he'd arrived here. The buzz of his anxiety was his only companion right now.

He registered it was Tony in front of him and felt an overwhelming urge to just run and collapse into his arms and let his mentor comfort him, but he couldn't. He craved the comfort he knew Tony would provide, but he couldn't accept it. He was so on edge, he was terrified of letting the man get close only for Peter to panic and lash out and hurt him. So he tried to push him away physically and emotionally. It was better for them both that way.

"Let's get you warmed up," Tony said, holding out a hand to help Peter up, but the kid ignored him and stood, somewhat shakily on his own. They walked up toward the house together, Tony keeping one hand behind Peter, making sure not to touch him but wanting to be prepared if he stumbled. When they got inside Tony led Peter upstairs to his and Pepper's room. Peter hesitated in the doorway before following him in. He pulled out the fluffiest towels that they had and draped one around Peter's shoulders. He made to use the other to towel off the kid's hair, but as soon as Peter registered his intent, he was ducked out of the way.

"I can do that," Peter said. Tony wanted to scream but held it back and tried to keep his face neutral.

"Are you sure? Because I really don't mind," Tony tried one last time.

"Yes," Peter said vehemently.

Tony relinquished the towel and stood back as helplessly as Peter dried his curls somewhat awkwardly with one towel while trying to hold the other one around his shoulders. Tony finally decided he needed to be helpful and went to get some warm clothes out of Peter's room. The kid still didn't have very much, and Tony made a mental note to order him more clothes, before returning to his own room to supplement the kid's things with his own sweat pants and hoodie.

He held out the clothes to Peter once it was clear the kid had accomplished all he was going to getting dry by himself and Peter disappeared into the bathroom to change. Tony sat down on the bed while he waited.

When Peter reappeared looking even younger than he was, if that was possible, wearing Tony's clothes, Tony tried to bring up the conversation again.

"Hey, kid. We don't have to talk about it, but if you want to, I'm here. There's nothing to be ashamed of, you have been so brave and you have every right to get a little freaked out by the water," Tony tried to start the conversation. But Peter wasn't having it.

Peter shook his head no and replied, "I'm okay, I promise,"

- 4 -

It was July before he knew it and a month had passed at the lake. Peter was actually enjoying his time at the lake - playing with Morgan, working on tech with Tony, having family dinners - but he still couldn’t sleep and he still couldn't get to close to his mentor without feeling like he was going to dissolve. Tony knew something was wrong and kept trying to broach the subject, but Peter refused to talk about it and Tony never got frustrated or pushed him. He steadily reminded him that he wasn't going anywhere and would be there when Peter was ready to talk.

Peter felt on edge the whole day and couldn’t pinpoint why. He tried to push it aside and enjoy the hamburgers they grilled and the shortcake that Pepper had baked. As darkness fell, they moved from the patio table down to some lounge chairs facing the lake and settled in for the show.

The first firework burst in the sky just a moment before the noise of the explosion. That almost unnoticeable delay between the speed of light and the speed of sound. It was there though, a fraction of a second for Peter to enjoy the beauty of the firework before the sound caused his head to erupt into pain and his mind to start spiraling into the bad place.

All of a sudden he was no longer at the lake, he was on a battlefield, fighting against aliens who they had already lost to once. There was a cacophony of violence around him and Peter couldn’t stop to process it because he had to keep fighting. His life and half of the population of the world depended on it.

More fireworks went off and Peter collapsed to the ground, curling in on himself with his head between his knees and his hands clawing at his ears trying to block out some of the sounds. A hand reached out to touch him and it felt like fire coming in contact with his skin. His senses were out of control and he could count the fibers in the shirt he was wearing and the blades of grass beneath his legs. He heard screaming and then realized that the noise was coming from him.

Peter fought against the stars in his vision, trying not to pass out from the pain in his head, and then something metal brushed his hair and a helmet was placed over his head. Immediately, the world dulled. The noise of the fireworks was muffled, the light from the moon and the fireworks was dimmed to nearly black. Peter let out a shuddering breath, trying to get ahold of himself and then slowly lifted his eyes, looking through the lenses of the iron man helmet to see Tony squatting in front of him with a look of panic on his face. When Tony realized that Peter was looking at him, he mimed standing up and going into the house and then tilted his head at Peter to make it a question. Peter nodded, which felt odd in the bulky helmet and painfully got to his feet. Mr. Stark didn’t try to help him after his touch had elicited such a pained scream earlier, but he hovered close by in case he was needed.

Slowly, they made their way back into the house, Peter flinching every time another firework went off despite the silencing effects of the helmet. Once they were through the door Tony led him down the hall to the room he was staying in and then directly into the closet. Peter wasn’t sure why, but noticed the complete darkness of the space and thought it was as good of a place as any. Out of nowhere Mr. Stark produced a set of noise-canceling headphones and a pair of very dark sunglasses and held them out to Peter. Peter didn’t look forward to removing the helmet but knew it would be more comfortable to have the headphones on. The less coming into contact with his skin, the better.

Slowly he lifted the helmet, surprised how well the closet was blocking the noise, though it was still too much to hear. Quickly, he exchanged the helmet for the headphones and the glasses and settled them on his face. Then he sunk down to the floor, curling back in on himself and trying to touch as little as possible to his skin.

He couldn’t help the tears that fell from his eyes. The salt burned on his oversensitive skin but that did nothing to stop him. He just kept his head down let himself silently cry. He wanted nothing more than to let Tony shield him from all the noise and light and fear, he knew being touched would be excruciating. Instead, they just sat there in darkness for what seemed like hours. Eventually, Peter’s senses dulled back to a more manageable state and after looking to Tony for confirmation that the outside world would be quiet, Peter eased the headphones off his head and was met with blessed silence.

“Hey,” Tony spoke so quietly that Peter wouldn’t have been able to hear him without his enhancements, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” Peter answered automatically.

“Kid,” Tony tried again, still gentle but clearly not believing him, “after everything that has happened, I should have thought about the effect explosions might have. That’s on me. Your response was valid and I’m sorry to have triggered that. If you want to talk about it, with me, or even with someone else,” Tony tried to offer but Peter cut him off.

“It isn’t anything big, it was just a lot for my senses. Enhanced hearing and whatnot,” Peter tried to justify, seeing the incredulous look on Mr. Stark's face but knowing the man wouldn't openly challenge him on this. He was pretty sure Mr. Stark saw right through him, but he wasn't ready to admit to anything yet. “I don’t need to talk about it. I’m okay, I promise.”

- 5 -

Pepper and Tony were both tied up on phone calls and Peter had offered to make Morgan lunch. Morgan had begged him to let her help and he had thought asking her to pick out some fruit to go with her sandwich wouldn't be so bad. He should have realized that any kid of Tony's would go the extra mile and end up in trouble, and instead of deciding on a fruit, Morgan had retrieved an apple from the counter and somehow got ahold of a knife and was attempting to cut it herself. Peter could swear his back was only turned for a second and next thing he knew, she had climbed onto the counter and was waving the knife around the air pretending it was a sword and apple in front of her was an unruly subject of the crown being beheaded (he thought he heard her use the word guillotine but couldn't be sure and had no idea where she would have picked it up but chose to let that part go for nowHey Morgs, you aren't supposed to be using a knife," Peter tried to keep his voice calm and friendly, not wanting to be mean or to startle Morgan.

"Oops," Morgan looked at him sheepishly, obviously knowing she was doing something she wasn't supposed to.

"Hand it over kid," he said, holding out a hand for the knife. Morgan moved to give it to him but then there was a loud thud from upstairs. She whipped around to try and see the origin of the noise, and her sudden movement caused the knife to cut right through Peter's forearm.

He hissed out a breath at the sting which drew Morgans attention. She gasped when she saw what she had done and immediately dropped the knife, letting it fall to the floor, thankfully missing impaling Peter's foot by a couple of inches.

“I'm so sorry Petey," Morgan wailed, "I didn't mean to hurt you.”

"It's okay, Morgan. I'm fine, just a little scratch," Peter tried to console her while he wrapped a kitchen towel around his arm to staunch the flow of blood. Before he could figure out what the logical next step was, Tony appeared in the doorway, probably having heard Morgan's cries from upstairs. He had walked around the corner, still partially listening to someone on the phone, but the moment his eyes landed on Peter and countertop that was pretty well covered with blood, the phone slipped through his fingers and clattered to the floor.

"What happened!" Tony asked, moving quickly toward the two of them and eyeing Morgan up-and-down to check for injuries. Once he determined that her tears were only from emotional distress and not from physical harm, he moved his attention to Peter.

"Little mishap. It's my fault, I wasn't paying close enough attention. I'm so sorry," Peter stumbled over his words, trying to apologize for letting Morgan get her hands on a knife and putting her in harm's way.

Tony had been looking around the room for something and when his eyes landed on the bloody knife on the floor by Peter's foot. He looked between the knife and Peter's arm.

"Did your sister STAB you?" Tony asked, sounding confused and terrified as he looked between the knife and Morgan.

Peter was too out of it from blood loss and shock to even register that Tony had referred to Morgan as his sister, "No!" he exclaimed, "it was an accident."

Tony shook his head, "we will talk about this later. I want to hear the whole story," he said, more to Morgan than Peter, and she just nodded her head, tears still streaming down her face.

"Come on Pete, let's move up to the bathroom, that's where the first-aid kit is. Are you feeling light-headed? Can you walk okay? You can sit here, I can bring it down maybe. This is a lot of blood..." Tony trailed off, seeming to debate with himself if Peter was fit to walk.

"It's fine. I don't want to get blood on the carpets though," Peter replied, even though he was starting to feel a bit light-headed, he wasn't going to admit to it.

"I don't give a damn about the carpets, Peter. The very bottom of the list of things I care about actually. I was debating getting rid of them just because. I hope you get blood on them honestly, it would give me a good excuse," Tony half-joked, but he was still looking worried.

Tony reached out to put a hand on Peter's non-injured arm and to help him upstairs, but Peter instinctively moved away from the man before he could touch him. It was just a habit at this point.

"Right," Tony said, more to himself than to Peter, when he realized the kid wasn't going to let him help. "At least let me walk behind you so I can catch you if you pass out,"

Peter tried to determine if the man was joking, but the look on his face told him it was a serious request. Peter nodded and started to walk out of the kitchen, Mr. Stark following closely behind him.

At that moment, Pepper came around the corner, apparently having taken notice of the commotion in the kitchen. She quickly and silently assessed the situation before swooping in and picking Morgan up from the middle of the mess on the counter.

"Do you need any help," She asked Tony, there were unspoken questions hanging in her voice, but she wasn't going to pry while Peter was actively bleeding.

"I think we can manage," Tony replied, keeping his eyes on Peter.

"Okay, just yell if you need anything," She said, "I'm going to give Morgan a bath."

Peter continued out of the kitchen and up the stairs, using all of his energy to keep from swaying too much or from giving in and passing out. After what felt like an eternity, per Tony's instructions, he found himself sitting on the edge of the bathtub in the Stark's master bathroom. He wanted to feel awkward to be in their room again, but he was fully distracted by his arm.

Tony fetched the first aid kit from under the cabinets and knelt down in front of Peter.

"Can I take the towel off and get a better look," Tony asked.

"Um, I can unwrap it," Peter offered, moving to do it himself.

Tony hissed when the last layer of towel came away and he could see the angry cut running up his arm.

"She really got you good there kid. I think you might need stitches," He mused.

"It's not as bad as it looked," Peter defended. "Besides, I heal fast."

Tony shook his head, "I still think you need stitches. We have everything to do it here so we don't even have to go to the hospital. Rhodey put as all through field-medic training. I can do them for you.”

Peter waited for Tony to finish and then gave a firm, "No. I can do it myself if I need to. I've done it plenty of time."

Tony just stared at him, seemingly unsure of what to say. "What do you mean you've done it plenty of times? When have you been stitching yourself up???" he finally asked.

Peter shrugged, wincing when it pulled at his cut, "I was out doing the hero thing before I met you. And you can learn just about anything on YouTube these days."

Tony looked horrified at the idea of a fourteen-year-old Peter stitching himself up after a rough patrol. "Are you sure you won't let me help?" he tried, "I promise I'll be gentle."

"No. I can do it." Peter said resolutely. Tony gave in and started taking things out of the kit and handing them to Peter. Disinfectant, gauze, a numbing gel that Peter was certain would accomplish nothing but that he used just to appease the other man. Finally everything was clean and Tony hesitantly handed over the suture kit.

"I really don't like this kid. Can we just go to the hospital instead? Or I can call Rhodey or Bruce or something?" He tried one last time.

"It's fine Mr. Stark, I can do it," Peter assured him.

Tony sat stoically while Peter sewed up his cut, flinching every time the needle pierced his skin as though it was him getting the stitches. Peter made quick work of the injury and was soon accepting a bandage from Tony and binding up his injury.

"Look, good as new," Peter said lightly, trying to alleviate that tension that had settled over the room while he worked.

Tony examined him closely, seeming to search Peter's face, but for what, he didn't know.

"Okay, how about we head down to the living room. You need to eat something for your spidey-metabolism and I don't want you taking pain meds on an empty stomach."

Peter stood from the tub and swayed a bit when he got to his feet. Mr. Stark moved to help him but stopped just short. "Can I help, please?" Tony asked.

Peter shook his head no. "I can walk on my own. I'm okay, I promise."

+1

Tony was growing increasingly concerned. Watching Peter fighting to pull himself out of panic attacks without accepting any help was torture. The kid was 15 but had been through more trauma than most adults and Tony just desperately wanted Peter to let him be a parent and help bear that burden for him.

He was so conflicted as to where the line fell between giving Peter the space he needed and following his cues as to what would be helpful versus seeing where it wasn't working anymore and he had to play the adult card and step in. Peter had been fighting this battle by himself for over a month and if the kid didn’t start to get some real sleep, Tony was going to have to call in Dr. Cho or Bruce to work on some drugs for him because he was dead on his feet.

Mind made up, Tony set out to look for Peter. He found him sitting at the end of the dock, feet dangling over the water, staring out at the horizon, and walked out to join him. He knew Peter could hear him approach but the kid was either too caught up in his own thoughts to notice, or he just didn’t care, because he didn’t make any move to acknowledge Tony’s presence. Tony took a lack of rejection as an invitation to join him and sat down next to his kid, leaving a few inches between them. He turned so he was sitting cross-legged facing Peter, with the water off to his side.

“Kid, whatever it is that you think you have to handle on your own, you don’t,” Tony started, pleading in his voice, “I would do anything for you. I would go through it all a hundred times so that you wouldn’t have to experience any of it once, but I can’t do that. And it kills me to watch you suffer alone,” Tony’s voice cracked and he felt his own tears falling now, “I am begging you, Peter, if you won’t let me in for yourself, please, do it for me. I need you to let me help you.”

Peter shook his head ‘no.’ He was still looking out over the water but spoke softly, “You don’t understand, I can’t. I can’t talk to you, I can’t let you touch me, I can’t let you help. I just can’t.” Peter’s voice cracked as he spoke, “Just leave me alone. That’s what I need right now.”

Tony’s heart broke into even more pieces if that was even possible. For a moment he wrestled with the idea of giving in to Peter, of listening to the kid's plea for space and respecting that, but despite what Peter was saying, Tony knew that wasn’t what he actually needed.

“I am not going anywhere, kid. Please. You don’t have to talk to me right now, but can I please at least give you a hug?” Tony ached to hug his kid after letting Peter push him away for so long.

Peter shook his head almost imperceptibly. He finally turned his head and met Tony’s gaze, each one staring into the other's tear-filled eyes until Peter finally broke eye contact. His head fell forward, chin to chest, and gut-wrenching sobs wracked his frame. Tony almost joined him in sobbing, he was so at a loss as to what to do, but then very slowly, he leaned in. He gave Peter time to push him away, he had heard the kids say he didn’t want a hug with his words and Tony didn’t believe that was actually what he wanted, but he still moved at a glacial pace. It felt like an eternity, but the kid’s forehead was finally resting on Tony’s chest and he couldn’t take it anymore. Tony placed one hand on the back of his kid’s head, holding him against his chest, and he wrapped his other arm around him and pulled Peter firmly into his lap. Peter didn’t pull away. He melted into the embrace and started to sob even harder. Tony held him tightly, running his fingers through the boy's curls and gently started rocking back and forth.

He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, clutching each other, Peter sobbing loudly while Tony had silent tears streaming down his own face. Finally, Peter’s sobs slowed and he lifted his own tear-stained eyes to meet Tony’s, not moving from the man’s embrace.

“Tony,” Peter’s voice broke saying his name, “I think I need help.

Tony hugged Peter tighter if that was possible. “Okay,” he replied, his own voice thick with tears, “whatever you need, I am here.

“I’m so tired. I just want to sleep without having nightmares and not be afraid anymore,” Peter sniffed as he spoke, he was no longer sobbing but tears were still flowing freely down his face.

“I will never let anything else happen to you if I can help it. I know I can’t protect you from everything, but I swear I will do everything in my power to keep you safe,” Tony told him.

Peter nodded, “I feel like I’ll be afraid forever,” he confessed.

Tony hugged him tighter, “I know it feels like that but, but you have to trust me that eventually, you’ll be okay. I promise.”

[mazurah]

do you have any headcanons about alteration magic? i feel like due to game balancing limitations, it wasn't as powerful as it actually could have been in-universe. thoughts?

I’ve been sitting on this ask for more than a week trying to figure out how to answer. Yes I have Alteration magic headcanons, but a lot of them aren’t technically mine. 

First off, you’re absolutely right. Alteration is much more powerful in the lore than it is ingame. The Ayleids, who invented Alteration magic, could shapeshift.

There does, however, appear to be evidence that, just as the Psijics on the Isle of Artaeum developed Mysticism long before there was a name for it, the even more obscure Ayleids of southern Cyrodiil had developed what was to be known as the school of Alteration. It is not, after all, much of a stretch when one considers that other Ayleids at the time of Bravil’s conquering and even later were shapeshifters. The community of pre-Bravil could not turn into beasts and monsters, but they could alter their bodies to hide themselves away. 

⁠— Daughter of the Niben

The closest things we’ve ever seen to that kind of magic (not counting things which aren’t actually school-of-magic spells, such as the Wild Hunt, vampire transformations, and werewolves) are spells like oakflesh, which isn’t exactly what I would call shapeshifting. Shapeshifting implies that you’re actually changing your shape, not just changing the consistency of your skin, so I think it’s more likely that the Ayleids did things like make their limbs look like branches to blend in with forests. 

And then there’s that one NPC in Skyrim, the Face Sculptor, that will straight up let you open the character creation menu and change anything about your appearance except your race or sex. (What, no sex change option? Transphobic!) You can’t tell me there’s not Alteration magic involved in that somehow (although I would certainly listen to a case for Restoration.)

There’s also a spell (actually a greater power) that got cut from Skyrim called Polymorph Skeever which lets you turn yourself into a skeever. It was never implemented in the game, but it exists in the code, so I think it’s safe to say that it’s a valid piece of lore. Polymorph spells do exist! There’s even more of them in ESO.

So do I believe that a master Alterationist could potentially turn somebody into a chicken? It’s quite possible. Are we ever gonna be able to turn NPCs into chickens? Not without the Wabbajack. They gotta balance the game somehow.

To be honest, this is a limitation to magic in general, not just Alteration. If I was really a master healer, what’s to prevent me from healing somebody’s mouth closed? Or casting a spell that causes my enemy to have a heart attack? There’s all kinds of things I would love to be able to do with magic that I can’t because of game limitations, like casting a spell to send me to Oblivion so I can go exploring, or conjuring a Dremora or Winged Twilight to ask them about themselves (both of which exist in the lore.) Or using levitation in Skyrim. *sigh*

Back to Alteration though. If you want to know about Alteration in general, the lore book you should be reading is Reality and Other Falsehoods:

It is easy to confuse Illusion and Alteration. Both schools of magic attempt to create what is not there. The difference is in the rules of nature. Illusion is not bound by them, while Alteration is. This may seem to indicate that Alteration is the weaker of the two, but this is not true. Alteration creates a reality that is recognized by everyone. Illusion’s reality is only in the mind of the caster and the target.

To master Alteration, first accept that reality is a falsehood. There is no such thing. Our reality is a perception of greater forces impressed upon us for their amusement. Some say that these forces are the gods, other that they are something beyond the gods. For the wizard, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the appeal couched in a manner that cannot be denied. It must be insistent without being insulting.

To cast Alteration spells is to convince a greater power that it will be easier to change reality as requested than to leave it alone. Do not assume that these forces are sentient. Our best guess is that they are like wind and water. Persistent but not thoughtful. Just like directing the wind or water, diversions are easier than outright resistance. Express the spell as a subtle change and it is more likely to be successful.

⁠— Reality and Other Falsehoods

This is a great start, but it doesn’t help us understand what it would be like to use Alteration on a daily basis, and that’s where headcanon comes in. I headcanon that people have different ways of conceptualizing spells, and this can result in different teaching styles. Sometimes the differences are cultural. But ultimately, it comes down to how good you are at envisioning the changes you want, how much you believe the changes can/should/will happen, and how good you are at willing those changes into existence. How to Disappear Completely by @chameleonspell contains an excellent illustration of what it’s like to try to learn Alteration and navigate the cultural differences between teaching styles as a novice: 

Iriel had studied Alteration. Had, at one point, thought he might specialise in it. It had sounded so impressive, when he first attended lectures at the Crystal Tower: change the world! Bend the physical realm to your will - sorry - your Will! Then he had attended classes, and spent months learning about counter-aetheric force (the academic term for what ordinary people, who didn’t understand these things, called gravity) and formulas to calculate water pressure and wind resistance. Altmeri magical tradition demanded that students first master the theory. You had to learn the rules before you could break them. He might be allowed to actually alter things in a few years, if he studied hard and passed the exams.

Things were different when he transferred to Cyrodiil. There, the Professor of Alteration was a steely-eyed Imperial known to students as The Cliff, due to her threats to throw students off one, if their problems with levitation persisted. Necessity focused the mind, she said. Alteration was all about willpower and belief. She didn’t hold with teaching the physics of it. You are a mage, she would roar. You make your own physics! Your mind will do battle with the Aurbis, and if you are worthy, the Aurbis will bow before you!

She was rumoured to be working on a transmutation spell that would change lesser substances into gold. They said she spent her nights concentrating on a rock on her desk, glaring the resistance out of it, molecule by molecule. When she looked at him, Iriel could believe it. But, struggling to levitate a feather on his own desk, he hadn’t felt that engaging the universe in mental combat was ever going to be his forte. It was so much bigger, and more experienced than he was, so much more self-assured. There were thousands of years of inertia behind its processes, grinding like endless Dwemer machinery. His will, even capitalised, was too weak a spanner to jam into those works. A minor blip in the rhythm, at most, and it’d be crushed as the gears churned on.

He’d found himself returning to the equations he’d been forced to memorise at the Tower. He’d discovered, to his chagrin, that the Sapiarchs had been on to something, at least to his Altmeri-educated mind. If you wanted to change something, it helped to understand the thing you were trying to change. Staring at the feather, he had realised he didn’t need to do battle with the entire Aurbis, he only needed to fight the air immediately around the object he wanted to move, convince it that local relative masses were very slightly different. The Cliff had been right about one thing: it was about belief. And Iriel found it considerably easier to believe things if he could construct a veneer of logical process, however flimsy.

He’d balanced the feather on his finger. It barely weighed anything. Using the standard formula, it couldn’t be constrained by more than a quell of counter-aetheric force. He had repeated the incantation, but instead of trying to command physics as a whole, he’d merely suggested a minor adjustment to the relative densities of feathers and air, just within these few square inches.

The feather had shot upwards and lodged an inch into the plaster of the ceiling. He’d blinked, brushed the dust from his hair, and began recalculating the ratio. An hour later, he’d floated up to retrieve it himself.

⁠— How to Disappear Completely, Chapter 93: force by @chameleonspell ​

(That entire work is amazing and contains so many headcanons and extrapolations of lore I couldn’t possibly begin to summarize them if I tried. You should read it.)

The thing about Alteration, and to a lesser extent, all magic in general, is that to perform it, you must wrestle with the very nature of the universe. Alteration, at its essence, contains what could potentially be understood as the fundamental principle of magic: to perform it, you must impose your Will on the world around you. When you perform it, you change the world. 

This is not without consequences. I headcanon that the greater skill a mage has with Alteration, the more trouble they have with distinguishing what is real and what is not, and with maintaining control over the reality of their personal environment. This is a headcanon I garnered from reading the works of @troloputo2012, and to some extent, @chameleonspell.

The advanced alterationist starts with sensory issues, since they start being able to listen and see the mechanisms of this world (also the plane where spirits and magic roam, that occupies the same place as this Mundus, and being this over saturated with information can be overwhelming), and slowly, they start having trouble attaching to reality and they can’t go back to their normal life as before; many have grounding sensory “mechanisms” to wake up, but many don’t because sometimes nothing works … .

Many experts get tired of constantly wrestling with existing or fail because their will is not strong enough, just give up and vanish, or they get consumed into their own reality and are unable to follow the currents of the world and time … .

To be able to live correctly and master alteration, one must have considerable willpower, or it’ll consume you. You learned to use alteration to weaken reality for you, now you must use it to also reinforce reality (for you start to unconsciously exist in weakened reality you created for yourself) to live.

— Alteration is not as harmless as it seems. by @troloputo2012

So a master of Alteration who fails to have enough Willpower to maintain their own existence might even disappear completely (a concept very similar to the tenuously canonical concept of Zero Sum, wherein a person truly perceives the nature of the universe, sees that they are a figment of the Divine Dream, confronts the concept head on, and fails to assert that they still exist, thus ceasing to exist.) Sure, a master of Alteration can change reality to an amazing degree, but there is a danger; there is a price.

Finally, I have a headcanon (which I’m pretty sure isn’t actually my idea, but I’m not sure where I picked it up) that schools of magic are more like philosophical models for creating spells rather than rigid expressions of natural law. Ultimately, almost any spell could potentially be created using almost any school of magic, but depending on what the spell does, it may not be a very good spell. It might use too much magicka, or it might be insanely hard to cast, or it might take a really long time to conceptualize the spell in that school of magic so nobody bothered trying to make the spell in the first place.

This is an easier idea to apply to Alteration than it is to some other schools like Conjuration (like, what am I gonna do, conjure healthy body parts for a dying person?) but it can go a long way to explaining why some spells change schools between games. For example, there are a few Alteration spells (mostly resistance spells) that get moved to the Restoration school of magic between Morrowind and Oblivion. If you’re looking for an in-universe explanation for this, perhaps spell researchers developed more efficient spells using the philosophy of Restoration, and the magical community had come to accept them as the norm by the time Oblivion began.

So yeah, there’s a lot of overlap between schools. In fact, there are documented arguments between mages about the similarities and differences between schools:

The School of Alteration is a distinct and separate entity from the School of Destruction, and Bero’s argument that they should be merged into one is patently ludicrous. He insists — again, a man who knows nothing about the Schools of Alteration and Destruction, is the one insisting this — that “damage” is part of the changing of reality dealt with by the spells of Alteration. The implication is that Levitation, to list a spell of Alteration, is a close cousin of Shock Bolt, a spell of Destruction. It would make as much sense to say that the School of Alteration, being all about the actuality of change, should absorb the School of Illusion, being all about the appearance of change.

⁠— Response to Bero’s Speech

While I believe that Alteration is an insanely powerful school of magic in the right hands, it’s probably still easier to heal someone using the principles of Restoration than it is to do it using the principles of Alteration.

Feel free to add your own headcanons, I love having discussions like this!

[spectralreplica]

Hey love your PMM DRv3 au, I was wondering who do you think out of the magical people would witch out first? Additionally, assuming Kokichi wasn't the first and learned that he would one day become a witch, do you think he'd handle that well? Love your work~

Okay, so first, thank you so much! I love hearing when people like my work!

Second, sorry for this novel I wrote in response, but whatever, I had a lot to say!

Short answers: Ryoma or Kokichi would probably witch out first, then Kaito. Kokichi never handles things well.

Long answers under cut.

Wildcard option: Kiibo already witched out from the start and Miu “brought him back” a la Kazumi. Not sure if this is “canon”, but I kind of like the idea.

---

Putting that aside, probably Ryoma. I assume Kyubey would approach him after his family and girlfriend were already dead, right when he was looking for revenge, so his killing spree would probably be magically-assisted. If he still went to jail for it, then he’d witch out really fast with no access to Grief Seeds. If he wasn’t caught or went on the run, then he’d still be in bad shape considering the massive trauma, lack of a support system, and suicidal thoughts. 

I think his low self-worth and general lack of motivation would lead to him either not seeking out witches to fight or pulling a Sayaka and running himself ragged in a self-destructive rampage. Either way, his days would be numbered. If Miu’s group managed to pull him in (probably after Kaede joins/takes over) then he’d do better, but considering the way he tries to push others away…

---

The other top choice is Kokichi because he’s fighting alone and thus using lots of magic and at constant risk of injury, but also traveling with DICE, so he can’t move freely and has to worry about collateral damage and others targeting them to get back at him. So, the worst of both worlds. (And don’t even suggest that they should contract too or he’ll–) He’s nomadic, so he has no safe home base, and he’s constantly poaching off other people’s territories, so he definitely ends up fighting them and wasting more magic. 

He’s also way too paranoid to have made a wish in any circumstance but an utter emergency, so he knows he got a raw deal even if he tries to pretend otherwise, and there’s no way he wouldn’t notice stuff like the similarities between Soul Gems and Grief Seeds and the way certain magical people just seem to disappear right as a new kind of witch appears. I think he’d sort of treat Kyubey like Monokuma (pretending to get along and have complementary goals, not openly working against him) and avoid directly asking him for confirmation so that he can keep on living in denial. But eventually he’d run into someone desperate, someone who’d really needed that Seed he took or someone who had nothing left and just wanted to take out their emotional pain on an intruder, and then…

How would he handle this knowledge?

Badly.

Specifically, I think he’d keep repressing his feelings, but even harder. It’s not like he didn’t know before, but now that he knows…. Well, his Soul Gem probably isn’t looking too great. 

He would absolutely never tell DICE about this (just like he’s not telling them about the Familiar thing, or the literal Soul Gem thing, or how he can’t seem to keep his Gem as bright as before, or…), but he might end up mockingly telling another magical if they got him pissed enough and kept asking questions. He hates being cornered, especially about something he genuinely finds upsetting. 

If confronted by someone else who already knew or just found out, he’d fake having always known and totally not caring at all. Just keep faking it even harder, hiding everything better, and escalating to more outrageous and insensitive behavior until everyone wants to fight him on sight. So, basically a time bomb.

Despite all this, I’m not sure he’d actually witch out.

He really dislikes murder, being controlled or forced into bad situations, and other people messing with his head, not to mention that DICE would probably be the first people caught in his labyrinth, so turning into a witch would be like the ultimate nightmare scenario. The clear better option would be to destroy his Soul Gem before he transforms. 

But I also see him as afraid of dying and only willing to do that when all other options have been exhausted. He’s also totally willing to let or make others hurt him, but doesn’t tend to directly hurt himself. So, he’d be running at the Soul Gem equivalent of 5%-20% battery for weeks or even months, trending downwards but not willing to definitively say that this is the point where he has to give up and die. 

Of course, living with your Soul Gem clouded impairs your thinking and makes all your negative emotions worse, so he’d get more paranoid, more secretive, more confrontational, more out of control…. Eventually he’d be avoiding everyone, and then just realize in some back alley that he has no Grief Seeds left and he’s at the point of no return.

I think at that point it’d all depend on who, if anyone, found him and how quickly they reacted. He might get them to kill him, kill himself, get caught/distracted and witch out, or even get out of it alive if someone is really fast with a Grief Seed (or relatively clean Soul Gem, if you go for that headcanon…) and good with rapid-fire, improv therapy sessions.

---

Kaito is probably the next most likely to witch out because he also tends to repress his emotions, keep up an image for others, and try to handle things on his own. He’d probably be dealing with some jealousy over Shuichi’s growth and some stress over keeping up with school while hunting Familiars and Witches, but I think he’d manage right up until he starts to learn the kind of stuff Kyubey didn’t mention. 

He’d persevere through the ‘Soul Gem is your soul, body is essentially dead’ thing (especially if his body was previously not that healthy….), but not the witch thing. I feel like he would stubbornly insist that witches come from “curses” and refuse to even consider any other options right up until someone witched out in front of him. So, a huge, ideal-shattering revelation followed immediately by a surprise fight against an enemy he doesn’t want to kill, then guilt over not saving that person, guilt over killing all the other witches, terror at the thought of telling Maki and Shuichi, fear of transforming and hurting more people… 

He would absolutely pretend the person just died fighting the witch, and avoid mentioning the revelation to Maki and Shuichi at all costs. I think he would honestly delude himself into believing he could just hold out and magically make everything better right up until he broke down and witched out in front of them.

(New timeline Kaito would probably be fine with the Law of Cycles thing as long as he can frame it as a heroic sacrifice/reward kind of thing. Maybe even a little tempted by the Godoka cult stuff?)

---

Kaito witching out might just take out the whole group, but if the others manage to not sink into depression (or just straight out get killed by his witch…) and to follow what Kaito tried to teach them (Not what he did, mind you. What he told them to do.), then they’d probably end up forming a permanent group with the HimiTen duo. 

They’d do alright as long as Tenko realizes that she can’t always prioritize cleaning Himiko’s Soul Gem over her own and stops trying to hide when she needs it more. I think Shuichi and Maki would actually tell them about the origin of witches, and it would be really upsetting and stressful, but not totally devastating like finding out right as someone you love becomes a monster you have to kill.

---

Meanwhile, the Kaede, Miu, Gonta, and Kiibogroup (Kamigoki?) is shockingly stable. They have enough people to not send everyone to every fight, so they can manage the other parts of their lives, and they have a wide enough territory to support all of them Grief Seed-wise. Also, strategy-wise, they have close and long range plus whatever tools Miu invents, and Kiibo can fly to gather info or get a better angle to shoot. 

Kaede is pragmatic enough to accept that sometimes you have no options besides killing people and Miu prioritizes her and her own over strangers, so I think they’d be able to withstand the witch revelation even if they weren’t happy about it. 

Kiibo tends to go along with the group unless he has major objections, and he kind of has this stubborn belief that things will turn out fine in the end if you can get through all the terrible things happening now, but he was already sensitive about being perceived as non-human…. He might go no-antenna mode and decide to destroy Kyubey to end the system or even pull a Mami and try to take out everyone’s Soul Gems before they witch out, but I honestly think the others could stop him and talk him down before any major damage came of it (Killing Kyubey is a group project!) 

Gonta would be really upset, but could probably be convinced that defeating the witches is the best they can do to honor the people the witches used to be. Also, fighting witches and familiars is still tangibly doing something that stops people from being killed, so he wouldn’t feel useless and get desperate like in the game.

 Ryoma wouldn’t be that affected because he already saw himself as a killer (plus blunted affect from depression). I mean, he wouldn’t be in a great place mentally, but it wouldn’t necessarily be a worse place than usual.

---

Angie’s cult (Angie, Tsumugi, Kirumi, Rantaro, and Korekiyo) already know about the witch thing, and the Familiar thing, and the soul outside of body thing…. And probably the entropy thing? They’re really co-dependent and groupthinky, but stable. I also see them as having really useful special powers (something like Oriko’s for Angie, illusions or transformation for Tsumugi, finding/tracking things or people for Rantaro… maybe healing for Korekiyo if he wished to cure his sister?) and getting paid in Grief Seeds to use those powers for other magicals. 

They generally believe that witching out is just part of the balance of life. Every wish has a curse, you hurt as many as you save, etc. (New timeline beliefs are probably more along the lines of proving yourself worthy to ascend from this world and join Godoka). Rantaro is a little unhappier when thinking about how that applies to his sisters, and Korekiyo is very, very interested in other people’s reactions when they find out, but none of them is in danger of experiencing it first-hand unless they get separated. 

I feel like the group could withstand one or two of the members witching out (as long as they weren’t Tsumugi and Angie) without losing faith, but any more than that would permanently destabilize them. None of them could actually last on their own at this point, although it might be possible to join another group.

[reallybriefcherryblossom]

Forget rajkot updates news: 3 Replacements You Need to Jump On

What relates to head if you examine the title of this text? Pay out near interest on your internal dialogue and see what It truly is telling you. Is it disparaging or one of disbelief? Our fast response is commonly suitable as it is really an intuitive impulse. There is almost nothing Improper with you apart from the need to Assess by yourself with Other individuals. Similarly, you could modify your internal dialogue While it's been significant these years. What makes me so sure? Such as you, I entertained detrimental self-talk for Considerably of my adult existence. I attributed it to the father who above-disciplined me Once i was youthful and emphasised almost nothing I did was ok.

I wasn't conscious of the significant inner voice then, but observed it much more as an Grownup. I needed to silence the interior critic, still it was futile because it grew more powerful. It was not until finally my early 30s, by means of mindfulness and meditation follow, that I authorized the feelings being there in lieu of striving to remove them. Does this seem sensible, where by the views we have about ourselves aren't entirely real? They are really opinions and mostly inaccurate ones. This is why your ideas about by yourself will not be real. When damaging thoughts arise, you might be aware of your working experience of these, proper? Equally, you are able to witness them concurrently? For that reason, There's two minds having the knowledge of feelings.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/rFFqFDHKd6E/hqdefault_434900.jpg

There is certainly the essential brain creating the feelings along with the observing head witnessing them happen. The important thing would be to disengage from your crucial head and turn into the observing intellect. Many of us are confident there is some thing Mistaken with them as they imagine their ideas, instead of observing them by using the witnessing brain. I just lately wrote an post how our ideas are saboteurs that influence us of our unworthiness. It's the mind's Organic purpose to analyse and try to find negativity (negativity bias) inside our atmosphere. Nonetheless, it doesn't mean what we expect is real and consequently why our witnessing head can notice by itself with no issues.

Awaken Your Passions And Intent

What if your character is deliberately one of a kind as an alternative to flawed? Such as, when I was youthful, I failed to enjoy socialising like Other individuals my age. I was not antisocial, but most popular time by itself pursuing distinct actions to other people. I used to be persuaded a thing was Completely wrong with me because socialising depleted my energy. It wasn't extended following, I found I was an Empath and desired remaining by itself. Nevertheless, I was continue to adamant a thing was wrong with me, until finally I turned to the Inventive arts and realised that my time alone assisted me awaken my creative passions.

What I am expressing is: self-acceptance is The solution to lots of our troubles. It can help us discover who we really are and awaken our passions and goal. There is no use berating or hating ourselves because we are distinctive. Most likely we're various for any goal? For that reason, avoid using your uniqueness versus you, because it is a present meant to help you stand out from the group. By all accounts, Elon Musk assumed he was various when he stuttered and preferred studying publications in a younger age. We are able to now see how he channelled Those people traits to good use, because they are getting to be The important thing to his accomplishment. If we feel anything is Improper with us, we've been on the lookout in the prism of a distorted lens. We have been specializing in an inaccurate notion that may not there.

Will you be at ease with the idea that there's nothing at all Completely wrong along with you besides your thoughts about yourself? We are able to transform our self-discuss, despite how disapproving it's. It took me a while to shift my internal dialogue to 1 of kindness, self-compassion and self-nurturing. In the beginning, it felt foreign because I was unaccustomed to it and my Moi desired to drown it out. There was regular resistance, nevertheless, I allowed my witnessing brain to note the adverse inner-converse and step by step, I experienced internal peace. I never compelled it, but welcomed the damaging thoughts and noticed them with the lens of kindness and self-compassion.

Soon adequate, my new inner-converse turned my default point out, and I had been no longer beating myself up. It had been a pleasant endeavor, and whilst it took a while to reach listed here, it had been worthwhile. I uncovered to simply accept my ideas instead of resisting them. This shift also translated into a lot of parts of my life and aided me coach Other folks to acquire precisely the same inner dialogue. Understanding this, I might such as you to write an index of important discussions you have got with oneself. Exactly what does your inner critic attempt to persuade you of? Exactly what are the themes on the damaging self-chat? See if you can capture yourself dealing with these ideas when you're conscious of them. It can be at the time we discover and welcome these feelings, that healing and transformation can occur.

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