#or read the books she had or she would fix me sandwiches

[emeraldbabygirl]

OLD COUNTRY SONGS MAKE ME WANT TO FALL IN LOVE AND BE IN LOVE!

[auspicioustidings]

Devil's Trumpet

AKA the Appalachian horror brain worms would not leave me alone

Summary: You move to small town West Virginia to get your head on straight but the men in the woods start unravelling you instead.

Words: 3.5k

CWs: mild horror, vague reference to mental illness

This is best read while listening to some Southern gothic tunes 🎶 I suggest Big Dark Love by Murder by Death!

Colour leeched out of the world here. There is something almost comforting about that, something familiar. Familiar too is the way this town moves like syrup too thick to be pleasant in your mouth. It was how you moved though the world once. Not anymore though, no, now your mind is your own and not an invading force. Now you can appreciate the drab slowness as something external to yourself, just an environment around you and not a prison closing in inside your head.

There wasn’t much of a plan really. A will reading that left you with not a lot, but enough to get the hell out. Signing with a fountain pen that made your skin crawl with how it scratched. A stiff drink and a dart thrown at a map and tearing a ragged hole in the Greenbrier River as the sharp point didn’t quite sink far enough into the board and tore its way through the paper on the way down. You were never any good at darts.

You aren’t putting down roots. Those were for old growth, not for hardy weeds that broke through concrete and always found another crack through which to grow when killed. Nothing that felt too much like a home, so instead a room at the only inn.

This town is too small to warrant one, but it doubles as a watering hole come evening. It doesn’t seem to have been updated in an age, you wonder idly if the plaque upkept to a gleaming shine declaring the inn to have been opened in 1824 is somehow conveying pride at the fact. The peeling wallpaper in your room was probably pretty once, but the green now seems sick with age and the delicate floral pattern has started to wilt.

There is no routine to your days here until one slowly creeps in as it always does.

Breakfast first. You don’t know if it’s something in the air here, but you wake up with a bitter taste in your mouth and are eager to drown it in food and mint toothpaste. The inn has a small kitchenette for guest use and you make yourself toast with butter and strawberry jam. It’s a little too sweet but the tea helps, black with no sugar.

You stretch out the back of the inn and enjoy the view of the woods. You don’t call it yoga because it makes you less likely to do it, but you had learned when things were bad that quietly engaging your body in the morning was a good way to quiet your mind. There’s a little tension in the back of your neck you try to work out but it sticks there until you finish up and go back inside to shower. The hot water fixes it you think.

The first few weeks here you just sit and watch the world go by, but then you one day you decide to get up and spend some time wandering the town. It’s small, decrepit. There is the inn, a few sparse houses, one general store. The library, despite being the only venue with any chance of entertainment, is usually empty. You meet Mrs Lela Kaletaws who runs it, although she isn’t always around.

Roads here are barely holding together, but the one main road that runs out of town is at least in somewhat better condition. It runs parallel with the woods at one point, curving off just past old Mr Kleer's house. The man in question usually sits on his porch but he’s friendly enough so you don’t pay much mind to the gun.

After you’ve wandered town you make sandwiches for lunch. It isn’t much exciting, but it is routine and is filling enough that you bunker down for a nap after.

In the afternoon you go for a long walk before returning to the inn for dinner. There is a bar downstairs that opens in the evenings and serves food that while not a delicacy by any means is hot and filling. You retire to your room, read some of your book and go to sleep.

It continues that way. Breakfast, stretch, shower, wander, lunch, sleep, walk, dinner, read, sleep.

At first you only really skirt the edge of the woods, but with each passing dreary day you venture closer to the depths down the packed dirt path. The path through the woods is confusing and unmarked. Where you swore just yesterday it went to the right, today it goes to the left. Even so it must be your sense of direction, because the path always leads you past the jimsonweeds that come up to you chest before spitting you out on the road that leads to old Mr Kleer's house. The flowers are beautiful, but there is some metallic tang to their otherwise sweet scent that causes your teeth to ache.

—

More comfortable with the area now, it causes a fright when you see a man in the woods just in the corner of your eye only to snap your head around and have him vanish. You force calming breathes and keep walking. There is no such thing as ghosts in these woods.

Old man Axell calls to you from his porch as you pass, rifle butt settled on the rickety wood that you worry will collapse and left leg stretched straight out towards you like reaching for something.

“Seeing things in the woods kid?”

“I look spooked sir?”

“Like you’ve seen a Ghost I reckon.”

You give a shaky laugh at that.

“Only if ghosts come in flesh and blood and quick feet. Some man gave me a fright is all.”

“Must be out of towners” Axell says.

You do not like the way he says it. You do not like that he looks at you strangely. But you smile and nod and get on your way. He is only an old man.

—

There is someone in the woods. You feel his gaze on you, feel the dull prickle that rests on your nape from those eyes.

“We really must stop meeting like this” you say.

You have stopped trying to catch him. Now you only speak, eyes set on the dirt path in front of you. You do not think you will get a reply and when you do you shudder horribly at how much closer the voice is than you had anticipated.

“Don’t enjoy the company?”

He’s English and you frown. Out of towner. The old man must know something, but maybe you cannot begrudge him having fun at your expense. You have not made friends here.

“Enjoy company where I can see it if it’s all the same to you.”

The man laughs. It is a confusing laugh, warm and cold all at once as it bounces through the trees.

“Careful what you wish for.”

You resist the urge to turn even as his voice moves strangely, like he is swaying from one side of the path to the other.

“Must have a face like sin to keep hiding away” you say.

The next words you can feel. His breath is right at your cheek, a strand of your hair lifted by his fingers.

“Quite the opposite.”

Your heart is a prey animal running from a predator, beating wildly against your ribs as you turn to find he isn’t there. Only you certainly felt him. He leaves a sweet smell behind.

—

Sleep does not come easily that night. The rain against your window casts the moonlight strangely into your room. You spend hours watching as the creeping vines on the wallpaper seem to twist and shift beneath the moon flowers. When you finally fall asleep, it is almost as if you can smell them. Sweet and slightly metallic.

You wake up with the fading scent of damp earth and something on the edge of rot in your nose and the feel of dirt packed uncomfortably under your nails. They’re clean you find, but you spend the start of the morning cutting them down once you see the fading scratches left on your arms and legs through the night.

—

He is not the only stranger in the woods. You swore you would not go back, but routine takes you there without thought.

The Scottish man likes to walk on your right hand side, just enough steps behind you that you can only see him at the very side of your vision. You think he is handsome, but it is difficult to be sure. What you can be sure of is that he is dressed oddly. You have spoken to him for a while now, discussing yourself mostly. Perhaps it is the eerie quiet of the woods that makes you want to fill the dead space, but you tell him more about yourself than you ever would have thought yourself comfortable with.

“Are you a soldier then?” you ask.

“Sometimes, I think.”

You take a moment to chew that answer, wonder at the taste of it. There is a panic when you smell blood on the air, but it is quickly blanketed by sweetness. You have reached the jimsonweeds. It is too early, you have not walked far enough to be here already. But before you can protest the steps to your right stop and you know the man is gone.

None of them ever come farther than this.

—

You try the next day and the next to get answers from him. He seems to make a decision at one point just as the familiar smell reaches you and you think you will leave with no more information than you had before.

“I’m SAS.”

He is not there when you turn to thank him. He is not there at all when you return the next day.

—

The library run by Mrs Kaletaws is added to your routine. Breakfast, stretch, shower, library, lunch, try to sleep, walk, dinner, read, try to sleep. The small building has the peculiar addition of a cat you never quite see. You hear the skitter of claws on worn wood floor that has started to smell of sickly sweet rot, see fading scratches on the legs and arms of the chair, find hairs on your clothing, feel the prickle of eyes focused on you from the dark running up your spine to settle dully on the back of your neck. You have tried before to get a glimpse of the creature, but it only seems to exist in the very corner of your eye and retreats when your gaze tries to creep around to catch it.

Lela never talks about the cat. She told you once that it is only her and her wife that live in the basement below the library. You have never seen her wife and fear she must have some permanent sickness that stops her from being able to do much. You think they should move above ground so she can at least see the world through the windows obscured by racing raindrops, but you keep it to yourself.

The one computer here is old, the white plastic exterior now yellowed. Still, it is the only gateway to the outside world in this little town and you blow at your tea while waiting for your search results. ‘SAS military bases in West Virginia’ is a shot in the dark, but you need to start somewhere. After a sip you dump more sugar into your cup before looking at your finally loaded results.

There are none. No British military installations at all in the USA. You had hoped at least the results would bring up something about training exercises but it is just pages of useless information about bases around the world. You read about the SAS, fall down a rabbit hole of how they torture their soldiers to train them to withstand it. You go through pages and pages of search results until finally one talks about SAS soldiers in this area.

The link takes you to a dusty website that stopped being updated sometime in the late 90s. It’s some sort of conspiracy blog and you are prepared to close it, but you can’t help but get lost in the story it tells.

The details are unclear which you suppose is the hallmark of any good conspiracy. 40 years ago. There was a team of two, or maybe four or maybe seven. They set up just outside the woods with little to no explanation. There’s an interview from a local, not a name you recognise so one you think is likely long dead. She says two of the soldiers went into the woods first. She remembers something bad must have happened, because there was an argument between the five left outside. Nobody was allowed close, but she watched two more men go into the woods. After that the operation seemed to vanish entirely overnight and nobody heard anything more about it.

Whoever authored the blog has a gift with words because despite your logical mind knowing it was probably nothing but a random training exercise, the hairs on the back of your neck raise.

There is a photo of the alleged unit at the end loading slowly. You stare in fascination as line by line appears from the top. The world stops before it fully loads. At first you are confused as to why your whole body is tense, why your heart is racing. And then you figure it out. Silence. Complete and all together sudden silence. No rain hitting the windows, no scratching of the cat echoing, not even the whir of the computer.

You do not want to look away from the screen. You do not want to turn around. The prickle on your neck goes from dull to sharp.

The computer powers down.

—

He says to call him John. This man does not walk to your right like the Scottish one, or behind you like the first one you met. He walks in front of you. You can see the full expanse of his back clad in a vest. He wears a hat. He only ever turns slightly, enough to see that he has sideburns but never enough to see his face.

You are so enraptured by being able to see so much of him so clearly that it takes you a while to notice there is someone on your left. A few steps behind like the Scottish one does on your right. It takes you by surprise enough that you are about to forget the unspoken rules and turn, but John predicts your move.

“Eyes forward.”

“Sorry” you say automatically, fixing you eyes to his back and letting the other man stay as the impression of a creature just in sight of your left eye.

“They’re pretty, Captain.”

“I’m aware.”

It should not make you blush but somehow it does.

“What’s you name?” you ask.

There is no way to direct it specifically to the man on your left, so you simple direct it to the back of John and hope that the trees will send it where it needs to go.

“Captain?” the man asks, not for permission but as if genuinely unsure of the answer.

“Kyle, your name’s Kyle.”

“Right. Kyle.”

You catch the movement of him touching his chest, maybe rubbing at a name tag there but you can’t be sure.

“You can call me Gaz if you like.”

John and Gaz are your company for weeks. Whenever you ask after the other two, the air turns sweet and bloody and you are left alone among the jimsonweeds.

—

“Got intae trouble for ye.”

You’re not sure where you are but you recognise the voice. Is he in your room?

“We both did. Curiosity would’ve killed you little kitten,” comes the other voice from the first man in the woods somewhere behind you.

You hazily look down at yourself. You are not in the bed at the inn, you are in another bed laid on your back. You feel your legs brush against one another, not clad in the flannel you remembered wearing. Silk, you are wearing silk. Delicate against your skin, not much of it. Were you wearing perfume? Something smells sweet.

As you stare at the bare expanse of your leg a hand sinks into your thigh, squeezes.

“Fuck LT, so soft. Fingers just sink right in.”

You fight the urge to look to the right where the hand is coming from. You can’t look, some primal part of your brain knows you cannot look.

“Stay away from the woods” the man behind you whispers into your ear like a caress as his hands settle gently around your neck.

You do not feel the snap of bone, but you hear it. You taste the blood in your mouth.

You do not manage to fall back asleep when you wake.

—

Breakfast, library, try to sleep, don’t go into the woods, dinner, try to sleep, stare at the wallpaper, try to sleep.

—

You overhear Axell and Lela once. You think they are talking about you.

“You think we’re doing the right thing?” Axell asks.

“I don’t think there is a right thing anymore.”

“It’s been a long time now. Maybe we should let them go.”

“You think we could?”

There is a silence. Neither of them thinks so. Paranoia settles over you that you haven’t felt since back when things got bad. It’s like an old vice settling into your bones, or maybe seeping out of them as if it never truly left. You cannot go back to that place again so you take some aspirin for the rhythmic pulsing behind your eyes and the dull prickle at the back of your neck and resolve to put any thoughts of conspiracy out of your mind. Lela and Axell are simply old, there is not something they know that you do not.

—

You do not mean to walk into the woods again. The man behind you is back. He feels different somehow.

“I could eat you right up” he says against your neck.

Old Mr Kleer sees the bloodied bite at your throat and says nothing as you walk by.

—

You book a bus ticket. It feels too much like there are tendrils growing from you to burrow into the ground, to fix you here. If you don’t rip them out now, it is only a matter of time until the roots are so deep you won’t be strong enough to move. You aren’t eating properly, you’ve hardly slept and when you do you wake up with a bitter taste in your mouth and covered in scratches. There is still the shape of a bite on your throat and the B&B owners in Pennsylvania look at you with pity as you check in.

The building is charming and fairly new. You stare at the neutral pink wallpaper. One corner of it has lifted ever so slightly. You fall asleep staring at the peek of green underneath.

—

It doesn’t rain as much here, the sun is out and everything seems more colourful. Weeks pass in a haze and you slowly emerge again, eating properly, sleeping through the night. The town on the Greenbrier starts to fade to an unpleasant dream.

—

There is something comforting about the old man who comes to stay and sits by you for breakfast in the mornings. He has the remnants of a Russian accent and laughs frequently and easily. The stories he tells are fantastical, but he’s non-committal about his visit to small town Pennsylvania although he at least tells you that he likes the nature around here. He whispers that his legs aren’t up for much walking anymore, so he has to take the easy paths through small patches of nature.

It takes a week or so more to work up the courage to accompany him on a walk. It seems silly, but the woods make you feel afraid. Maybe a short walk through the small area he spoke of will help you get beyond it. You rub at your neck, feeling the marks faded but still there.

—

He notices your discomfort and tries to ease it with his stories as you walk the dirt path.

“It’s the most important thing I’ve learned you know” he says, the aching grief in his voice causing you pause, “you cannot leave friends behind.”

You turn to him, intending to ask how much longer the path leads since it is getting dark now. He is not there.

“Nik?” you ask, calm at first but increasingly more frantic.

That old familiar dull prickle settles on the back of your neck as you run back down the way you came to get out of the woods. Drooping tree limbs get in your way and you push through, ignoring the scratches. As darkness falls you slow to a walk, unable to see anything in front of you. You catch the smell the sweetness of the jimsonweeds. You can smell blood.

Foot steps that are not your own surround you. A set in front of you. One behind. To the left and to the right.

“Welcome home.”

[specialagentlokitty]

Patrick Jane x reader - never stay mad

I was wondering if u could write about reader being mad at Patrick jane. She won’t talk to him and he’s constantly trying to figure out what he did and then she tells him (you can pick). Thank you and if you can’t that is totally fine. I hope you are having a good day/night - Anon💜

Jane watched as you walked back to your desk, picking up the neatly wrapped back and you looked at him.

He grinned a little, waving across the room and watched as you set it back and walked away.

“Seriously? She loves presents..” he huffed.

“Yeah, when she isn’t mad at the person giving them Jane.” Grace laughed.

Jane huffed, walking for the hallway to where you had gone, and he checked his watch before jogging down the stairs.

If you were in the office you always took your lunch around the same time each day, and he knew exactly where to find you.

Heading to the nearby cafe, he walked in and stood next to you at the counter.

“Could she also have a tea and one of those little sandwiches you make please?”

You glanced at him, rolling your eyes at him.

Reaching into his pocket, you pulled out his wallet, taking his bank card you paid for everything and took his wallet over to a table.

You knew you weren’t going to get rid of him, so at least you could make the meal worthwhile and make it free while you were at it.

Sitting down, you waved the wallet in the air and he took it back, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as he sat down in front of you.

Jane placed his chin on his hand, and he smiled softly at you.

“Come on darling, speak to me. Say something.”

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“I know you can’t stay mad at me forever.”

He smiled softly, and you turned away from him, trying not to look at him.

Jane had one of those smiles that were infectious, if he smiled you just wanted to smile as well.

He held out his hand, wiggling his fingers and you huffed, giving your hand to him and he beamed brightly as he held it.

“See, you’re not angry enough to refuse holding my hand. You’ll always hold my hand, I know that. I just want to know why you’re angry with me darling, if I did something I can fix it if you tell me what.”

You let go of his hand when your food and drink arrived, and you focused on having lunch.

“Are you still coming for dinner later?”

Standing up, you picked up your cup and you finished your coffee.

Walking past you flicked his forehead.

“Come on (Y/N)! That’s not nice!” He called.

Heading back to the office, you waited for the moment the clock hit the right time, and you made your way home.

Of course, Jane was already there, sitting on your couch as he read from his book, waiting for you.

You tossed your stuff aside, walking over you dropped yourself down next to him and he shuffled about.

Laying down, he rested his head in your lap and looked up at you.

“Do you want me to cook something, or would you like takeout?”

You held up two fingers, and he chuckled.

“Come on, stop ignoring me. I love you.”

Jane reached up, running his fingers along your cheek.

“I love you.” He said quietly.

You looked down at him and you sighed heavily, you just couldn’t stay mad at him for all that long.

That grin, those eyes, that little mischievous look he held.

“You cheated on me…”

His eyes shot up and he quickly sat up, nearly head butting you.

“What?! I never!”

“In my dream…”

He blinked, looking at you and he gently turned your head so you could look at him.

“You’re angry with me… because I cheated on you… in a dream…?”

You nodded.

Jane laughed softly, leaning forward he placed his forehead against yours.

“I would never cheat on you, in real life of a dream…”

He leant forward, softly kissing you and you smiled, kissing him back.

You brought your hands up and placed them around his shoulders, running your hands through the back of his hair before you pulled away.

“So my wonderful girlfriend has been ignoring me over a dream?”

“Yeah…”

He laughed softly, and he placed his head on your shoulder, resting himself against you and you smiled and wrapped your arms around him.

“Well, it’s just as well I love you then isn’t it? Otherwise I would be walking out that door.”

“You wouldn’t, you couldn’t.”

He chuckled.

“I know, but seriously darling, you should’ve just told me.”

“I know…”

Leaning down, you kissed the top of his head and he smiled proudly to himself.

He knew it wouldn’t take one for you to open up to him, he also knew that you wouldn’t be able to stay mad at him either but sometimes it was just funny for him to annoy you when you were mad.

You would always hug him after, and he liked the moment, being wrapped in your arms

[avocadosharks]

a snippet of my new noco fic voicemails to a ghost inspired by @eavee-ry 's au :)

read on ao3 here

____________________

It’s been months since the door at the end of the hall was last opened. 

There was a small table blocking the entrance. It didn’t hold much- only a singular photo sealed in a teal frame with dying flower petals circling the faded wood around it. There was a flickering tea light illuminating the haunted door behind it in a golden hue, creating ghostly shadows around the doorknob as the wax slowly withered away. Small tokens were scattered around the four corners of the table in the hope that one day, their owner would return to collect what was his.

On the other side of the door, though, sat a cold and vacant bedroom with crisp sheets pulled tightly around the corners of the made bed. The blankets were so smooth and his indent in the mattress began to fluff back up in his absence. Somewhere in the room, a clock ticked quietly. His desk was neat and organized. His books were still lined up by color on his shelf, yet, a thin layer of dust began to dull them. The curtains were drawn and the shades had long been tugged down. Everything was exactly how he left it- an artifact frozen in time.

But occasionally, life would be breathed back into it. A phone that would forever be plugged in would light up and bring the only light the place had left to see, casting a bright blue beam onto the blackened, dead shadows on the walls. It would buzz and buzz until the screen went dark, letting the shadows take over again. 

“You’ve reached Noah, leave a message…or don’t, I don’t care.” 

Cody sighs. “He-hey man, um, I’m just getting ready to go on a drive and I figured that…I could use the company, but…” He shrugs on a raincoat over his hoodie, his words fading quickly and he clears his throat.

He steps out into the early morning and his ragged breathing comes out in whisps as he fishes for his keys deep in his pocket, sandwiching his phone between his cheek and shoulder. “You know, I, uh, never really got my brake lights fixed, so I’m hoping I don’t get pulled over or something because that would really, really suck…I didn’t even know that not having functioning brake lights was a ticketable offense until you told me.” Cody slides into the driver’s seat and pauses for a moment, staring back into the glassy, exhausted eyes looking at him. 

“I’m sorry to call you so late, Noah. You really hated how I used to toss and turn all night at-” His voice catches, “-at camp and, uh, for a second I…I was sleeping. But, I haven’t been able to for a while now and I just really needed to do something, so here I am. Driving.” 

He pauses again, swallowing against his clamped throat as he jams his key into the ignition. The car engine shudders beneath him and the dull glow of the headlights offers some visibility as he twists around, pulling out of his driveway. 

“Do you remember that first day at the camp? When everyone got off the boat and we were meeting each other?” Cody starts. 

The lake water was the bluest Cody had ever seen it. It was the beginning of summer and he could practically smell the money through the stench of the dusty cabins and pine trees. He was young and dumb and excited, gripping the railing of the speedboat to lean forward over the water with a grin so wide, he could see it in the reflection as they sped to the island. 

There were already people on the dock and the first person he noticed was that black-haired girl. She had deep teal lips and porcelain skin with eyes that seemed to cut into him as he hopped off the boat. He noted how she seemed to watch him as he greeted Chris. He knew that his chest seemed to pound as he approached the girls, knowing to flash an easy smile, but making sure to eye only her as he did. 

She was pretty. Not intimidatingly gorgeous like the girl in the red tube top or hot like the blonde-haired girl. She was shy and pretty and had a raspy voice that made his spine shudder, but that’s exactly what Cody liked. 

Then, as he walked over to the boys, he saw Noah. And Noah was beautiful. 

[abbyslev]

𝑯𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯 𝑴𝑬- 𝑯𝑨𝑵𝑮𝑬 𝑿 𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑹

A/N: hello my angels! i am currently working on 5 request, so i promise i am getting those done!! i was in an angsty mood, so i made this. something small!! i hope you all enjoy!

WARNINGS: character death, all angst and lightly proofread!

WC: 749

     You ran up the hill, panting and small beads of sweat forming at your forehead.

       Your shoe got stuck on the tree, making you fall. You grunt, picking yourself up quickly. “Fuck,” You mutter, collecting the books and paper that flew out of your bag. You look back up at the tower clock, wiping your knees quickly before continuing to run back up the hill. 

       You finally reached the tree, chest heaving and wiping your forehead against the sleeve of your Scout trench coat. Somewhat yours, it was Hange’s, but you wore it all the time. You set down the basket, sitting under the shade. 

       “Sorry I’m late. Stupid thing tripped me and the kids wanted me to do some stuff before I came up here.” You laugh, scratching your neck. “Anyway, Armin got me this super cool book, and it’s about some plants. I think you’d like this one.” You open your book, turning to the Venus Flytrap. “This one eats flies.”

       You push your hair behind your ear, squinting to see the words better. “It eats flies. Whatever those are, but basically the fly goes into its mouth and it shuts it and drowns it at a super deadly speed. How cool is that? I tried to look more into it, but that’s the basic rundown.” You flip the page, arm digging into the basket again. 

      You take out a sandwich, taking one part for yourself. You set the other one down in front of the headstone, chewing the sandwich slowly. “This one is good, last week’s sandwich  was bitter. Mikasa said she’s making strawberry jam tomorrow, so I'll be sure to bring some next time.” You scoot in front of the stone, sighing. 

        Your fingers trace the engraved letters, humming a small tune Jeans baby had gotten stuck in your head. ‘H-A-N-G-E  Z-O-E’

       Those are the letters you traced every week, the same thoughts running through your head. “I miss you.” You repeat for what feels like the thousandth time that day. “I wanted to come by earlier and read you this, but you know how busy it gets around here.” You adjust yourself,  laying on the floor, head beside the stone. 

        You read all the stories about the plants, even going on rambles of your own. You explained how you’d love to grow these plants with Hange, talking about how cool it would be to have your home filled with these strange vines and have food grow from the trees in your backyard.

        After hours went by, the sun went down and the stars appeared in the sky. The bright moon reflected against your skin, and soft snores filled the quiet air. The book laid softly against your chest, hair sprawled beneath you. The quiet, cold air swayed the grass, and the birds no longer sang.

       “Hey,” Someone shook your shoulders. Your eyes opened, sitting up. The book fell with a muted thud. “Wake up.” They helped you sit up, patting your back. It was Mikasa. “Oh, hey. Sorry, I fell asleep.” You yawned. “Don’t worry, it’s alright. Levi was looking for you, and I assumed you’d be here.” “What time is it?” You closed the book, setting it in the basket.

      “Ten. You should be in bed, c’mon I’ll walk you home.” Mikasa helped you pick up your belongings, carrying the basket. “Goodnight.” You kiss the top of the stone head before standing up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I guess it’s just been a long week.” You fixed your clothes. Mikasa stared at the stone, noticing the food and the small origami flowers scattering near it.  You had visited Hange every week, never failing to leave them a gift and food. 

        Mikasa’s heart hurt. Her heart hurt for you, for the fact you watched your love die before you. Who begged Hange to stay, who clung on to Levi for hours, eyes in a distant place while tears poured form your eyes. Mikasa wrapped an arm around your waist, helping you down the hill. 

      “Let’s get you some dinner, yeah?” Mikasa smiled. She still noticed you had that sad look in your eyes, even after years. “Yeah, I could go for some soup.” You smile, leaning your head into hers. At least she had someone to love. She watched you stand next to Levi, pushing him around, laughing and poking fun at him, but everyone could sense something was missing. Part of you was missing. 

      But yet, Hange was somehow always with you. 

[random-writer-23]

Welcome Home (Poe x Gn reader)

Summary: Poe's been gone on a mission for longer than he was supposed to.

Words: 1,387

Warnings: tooth-rotting fluff, mentions of reader not eating (not eating disorder), brief description of minor injuries, allusions to sexy time cause c'mon it's Poe you can't expect me to not slip that in.

A/n: just thought I'd try my hand at writing something short for once, this has got to be the shortest thing I've ever written, and it's still over 1k words. And it took all the strength I had in me not to turn this into a full-blown oneshot. Anyway, this is mostly unedited but my last Poe thing is doing well so I figured I would feed you more Poe content. What the public wants they shall receive. Also, I'm pretty sure I wrote this with gender neutral reader, but if y'all find something not gender-neutral, lmk so I can fix it :D But anyway let me know what y'all think of my first drabble, and I might write more in the future when I feel like I haven't published anything in a long time. And as usual, all likes, comments, reblogs, and follows are welcome and greatly appreciated Also I am still looking for beta readers so if you’re interested see the pinned post on my profile for more information. happy reading my lovelies!

I paced the floor of my room, trying to figure out something to do, I could do laundry, read a book, or make lunch. Preferably that option, I hadn't eaten a proper meal in what seemed like weeks. Just snacks when the stress got too much to handle and I didn't know what else to do. The fighter squadrons should've been back by now, they were only sent on a short recon mission, they must have run into some trouble, or worse what if they were dead? I stopped my pacing and headed to the kitchen, ready to make something to eat, I had to take my mind off the quiet in the room. I opened the conservator and looked for what we had that I could use to make something to eat. I rifled through the food I had getting more discouraged the more I looked. A sandwich would have to suffice for my meal today, and I'd also have to make a list of things I'd need to get from the market on base. I mean sure I could always go eat at the canteen but canteen food everynight gets sickening, and theres nothing like a homecooked meal. I began to hum a little tune to myself as I spread mayo on my bread. When I heard a knock at the door. 

"Who is it?" I called to the person on the other side. 

"Lucy!" the voice announced, Lucy lives in the room next to me. 

"Come in!" I told her, and the door slid open revealing her standing there, hair messed up and very out of breath. "Oh dear Lucy, what happened?" I asked her my eyes wide as I moved to get her a cup of water. "Here I'll get you some water" I told her. 

"No time" She breathed heavily, hands on her knees to stabilize herself and catch her breath. I looked at her confused. 

"wha-" 

"(y/n) they're back!" She blurted out, and I froze my brain processing what she was saying. 

"They're..." I mumbled my voice going quiet as she grabbed my hand and smiled nodding. A smile quickly made its way across my face and I laughed "They're back!" I shouted giggling, Lucy grabbed my hand. 

"well let's go!" She said turning to pull me out the door, trailing me along behind her, we ran through the base to the landing bay. Only yelling 'they're back' at the people who gave us weird looks. We sprinted giggling all the way back and once we got to the landing bay, time seemed to stop. I stopped running and Lucy ran forward to greet her girlfriend, running into her open arms with shouts of joy. I didn't have to look very long for my love. I saw him immediately, climbing down the ladder from his x wing, when his feet touched the ground, a huge crowd immediately swarmed around him, and he smiled laughing as people patted him on the back congratulating him on another successful mission. He quickly turned his attention away from the people crowding around him, his eyes searching the crowd quickly. A look of subtle panic slowly crossing his face the more he searched. Until our eyes locked and I saw his instant relief. Watched all the stress drain from his shoulders, the exhaustion he didn't let show to the others wash away. I smiled a wide smile, giggling at the goofy grin spreading across his face. He pushed through the crowd around him, and they parted easily around him. Going back to congratulating each other the second he moved past as if he wasn't even there. He finally made it through all the people, and as soon as he did, time resumed and I ran towards his open arms. Once I got to him he picked me up spinning me around laughing. He put me back down, and once my feet hit the floor, he wrapped his arms around me tightly pulling me against him desperately.  As if holding me as tight as he could, would prevent me from ever leaving his side again. And if I had the choice it would. I breathed him in,  my fist clenching around the fabric of his flight suit tightly. The tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked letting them fall. I pulled away from him for a minute looking him up and down, to make sure he wasn't visibly hurt. Just to make sure he was really there, and he wasn't some illusion my mind had come up with. I pulled his helmet off his head dropping it to the floor and grabbing his cheeks turning his head looking for any sign of injuries. He had a couple of scrapes on his face, and smeared dried blood along his brow and forehead, but other than that he was fine. I touched his face, running my fingers gently along the cuts. Once I determined he was fine, I pulled him back in hugging him close, my body shaking with sobs as I came to the realization he was back and actually standing relatively unharmed in front of me. 

"You're safe" I murmured into his chest, almost disbelievingly. 

"Of course, couldn't leave my pretty girl all by herself" He smiled lifting my head with a hand under my chin making me look up at him. He wiped away my tears with one hand, and I smiled leaning into his touch. I opened my eyes and leaned in placing a soft kiss on his lips. Gently, delicately, hesitantly, pulling away and looking up at him through my lashes. He smiled and pulled me back in for another kiss, fueling this one with more desperation, gripping my waist tightly, and moving his hand from my face to the back of my neck. I wrapped my hands around his neck tangling my fingers in his hair. Smiling against his lips, he pulled away chuckling, and leaned his forehead against mine. "Maker, I love you" He mumbled, pressing his lips against me again, pulling away quickly, "I missed you" he kissed me again. "You're so beautiful, (y/n)" another kiss. "My (y/n)" another kiss, an explosion of affection. My heart fluttered, and I giggled turning away from him to hide my flushing face. "Don't hide from me gorgeous" He mumbled into my ear, only driving me further into hiding. 

"I love you too Poe" I looked back at him, placing one last kiss on his lips before his friends ran up to us cheering and screaming. He rolled his eyes at their approach, and he stepped away from me unwillingly. Not letting me go too far as he stood next to my side pulling me close to him. Finn, Rey and BB-8, came up to us Finn pulling us all into a large group hug, blubbering about how they survived another day. I rolled my eyes pulling out of the group hug with a laugh as I felt something hitting my leg. I looked down and gave a shout of joy as BB spun in a circle joyfully having my attention. I knelt down to his level giving him a kiss as well. "I'm glad you're back BB" I smiled, and he wooped in reply. I laughed, standing back up when Poe tapped my shoulders. I looked at him with a smile and he gave me another quick kiss. Finn groaned,

"Alright, get a room you two" Rey laughed,

"but not before we get a drink from the canteen" Finn added pumping his fist, and we all cheered.

"you good to celebrate" Poe leaned close to my ear whispering the question so only I could hear him. 

"Of course, you are a hero after all" I giggled, "but let's make it quick, I want to give you a proper welcome home" I smiled slyly and his eyes widened, realizing what I meant. He perked up quickly. 

"Alright let's drink!" He cheered loudly and I laughed. He leaned down to pick up his helmet, placing it on my head and gripping my hand tightly. "Maker I'm glad to be home" He smiled. 

"Me too" I replied as we followed the cheering crowd to the canteen, hand in hand, and the weeks of stress I felt washing away, and all was right in the world once more. 

--Fin--

QOTD: What is your favourite star wars movie? Mine. is either revenge of the sith or the animated clone wars movie!

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[kishibedefender]

Home Improvement

Jade decides to take up the task of fixing the light in the dining room by herself, and ends up with the coolest cast ever.

Word Count: bro idk I'll update it later

Pairing: Rohan Kishibe/Jade Sato-Stephens (OC)

It was a beautiful Spring Saturday in Morioh, and a young woman stood on a table with a toolbox next to her, her mother watching in mild concern.

Jade had been eating lunch when the ceiling light above her shorted out, scaring her into dropping said lunch all over her jeans. After some upset muttering and a change into another set of clothes, she had angrily rifled through the attic to get a toolkit.

"Jade, just come down. I can call someone over to help out, it's not an issue-"

Jade shook her head at her mom's request, "I'm in too deep."

That was correct. The light fixture was next to her feet on the table, and wires stuck out from the roof, including a slightly burnt one at the tip.

From what she had read in the one book she had ever read about electronics (after getting curious about how much like a car Clint Eastwood truly was) she remembered that most wiring like this could just be remanipulated and replugged.

Sounded easy enough, she figured. She hummed as she worked to take the cap off of one wire, and carefully put it onto the burnt one.

She carefully lifted the light back into place, replacing the screws and bulbs, and then pointing to her mom, "Fire it up!"

Her mother blinked a few times and hesitantly walked over to the light switch, flicking it. The light turned on and Jade cheered.

"See, mom! I told you it would be fine-"

Jade was interrupted by a crackle, and a pop. The light bulb in the light burst, and Jade stumbled back, off the table, and straight onto her arm with a pained yell.

____

"So how exactly did you break your arm in three places by falling from a table?"

Jade glanced over at Rohan Kishibe from her seated position on the hospital bed, muttering about how she didn't want to talk about it.

"I'll find out one way or another what you did."

Her eyes widened and she looked over at him.

"You don't have the nerve- Never mind yes you do. Fine, I was fixing a light, and the light bulb exploded. It scared me so I fell off the table, hit the chair, and then hit the floor," Jade recounted her light bulb escapade, and Rohan sat in bewildered silence.

"Why didn't you just call the brat to fix the light? He would have done it for you," Rohan replied after a few moments, and Jade groaned, leaning back in her hospital bed and letting her head hit the pillow.

"My mom was home, how am I supposed to explain-"

"I'm back with lunch, Jade!"

"To my professors that I can't write this paper." She finished with a fake story, and then looked at her mom, "Where did you end up going?"

"Oh that nice sandwich shop in town." She explained, and Jade nodded, before sitting back up.

"Hey, Rohan, you brought your pens, right? Think you could draw something on my cast?" She asked with an excited smile, holding out the appendage covered in plaster.

Rohan sighed, staring at it for a few moments. He had never signed a cast before, much less drawn on one. It was an odd request, but he couldn't help but be a bit happy that Jade wanted to wear his artwork.

Even if it was only for 6 to 8 weeks.

"Fine. Move closer to the edge." He said while rifling through his bag for his supplies. Jade's excited smile didn't falter as she carefully maneuvered her way to the edge of the bed and propped her cast up on the side railing.

Rohan laid his pens out on the blanket, and studied his unorthodox canvas for a while, before finally picking up an pen and beginning to ink up the bandages.

After a few hours of work, Jade finally got a look at her cast, and she couldn't help but be amazed, and a little shocked.

"Rohan you drew a bunch of Pink Dark Boy panels on it?!" She laughed and twisted her arm around as best she could.

"Well, it was the best I could come up with on short notice." Rohan gave an exasperated answer and Jade could only roll her eyes teasingly, "I promise I'll warn you next time I plan to break an arm."

"Don't make a habit of this, you get yourself into enough trouble without electrical fires."

We're fixing our dryer rn and it's a disaster have a drabble so I don't lose it fr

[buckets-and-trees]

The Booklyn Boys Narrative Thoughts

Commentary NOBODY ASKED FOR but that's been swimming around in my head for the last two months, but even more lately.

The Brooklyn Boys series has been getting a fairly big resurgence of interest these past few weeks, so that's been cool/interesting. There's something especially fun about seeing the notifications from when someone blazes through the different parts of the story...

Specifically when they're only reading the Bucky pieces or the Steve pieces.

Spoilers for the entire series under the cut.

The Brooklyn Boys was the first thing I published on this account, yes, but it was also the first time I had ever gone about writing an 'x Reader' style fic. (I had written a lot of fic/fanfic from 2004-2008, 2012-2014, 2020-2022 being my prolific writing times, but I decided in high school I wanted to be a writer.) What really stuck with me in the crafting was this concept of Reader as a character, finding a balance between Reader who basically is an OC without a name because there are TOO many specifics (we've been there, we've all seen those fics, just name your OC) with an OC who is a totally empty shell to the point that you can't connect AT ALL. I wanted to get somewhere in the middle, and I realized that there's also this ambiguity with Reader that could - if done correctly - allow a Reader to meet Bucky and Steve in totally different scenarios and end up in a love triangle situation that would be a surprise to everyone but Reader!Character, even actual readers.

...because I'm me, but there are different sides of me that come out more in different situations and with different people and it depends on what we're doing and what we've bonded over and who else might be around. I'm not the same version of Aspen around my parents that I am at work, and I'm not the same Aspen in front of my peers at work as the Aspen that I am around the students I advise/supervise at work, and that's not the same Aspen that's going out on the weekends or that's writing smutty MCU fanfic or that's having deep mid-life conversations with my cousins or that's friends with the staff at my local garden nursery - but they're ALL ME.

So.

This Reader is consistently her. But the things she talks about and bonds over with Steve and Bucky show different sides of her.

The five parts that take place before the Interlude (3 Bucky and 2 Steve) are all very early stages of getting to know someone, when you are still figuring out if it's friendship only or if it's going to actually go somewhere more romantic. Now I knew it was going to be Stucky x Reader when all was said and done, obviously, but as I put out each new part, I would just point back to the collection and only specifically link each Bucky piece to the next, and same with Steve, because I didn't want it to be a dead giveaway. But... there are tiny clues - very tiny - that show up as the story progresses mostly in the moments where we see Reader be hesitant in moving things forward romantically with either of them - because SHE DOES NOT WANT TO RUSH INTO CLEARLY DANGER ZONE FEELINGS especially before she has any secure indication from either one that it's a FOR SURE romantic thing.

But I liked that in The Interlude, Bucky buys these ballet tickets for Steve that end up being the first serious step for Steve and Reader because HAHAHA how sticky, right? And Bucky's trying to fix Steve's lack of initiative because Bucky is hesitant to dive in with his own situation with Reader.

Also.

The titles for every part before The Interlude are alliterative Bucky and the Bench, Bucky and the Books, Bucky and the Brief Brush, Steve and the Sandwich, Steve and the Skyline.

After The Interlude, they all go S-B and B-S: Steve and the Ballet, Bucky and the Shelves, Steve and the Blindside, Bucky and the Situation, Steve and the Best Friend.

That took intentional crafting, my friends! I felt exceedingly clever.

I'm not always for a Stucky x Reader storyline, because I think it depends on both the Steve and Bucky that are being portrayed as well as the Reader being featured, but I think there are some situations where Bucky and Steve would develop feelings for the same Reader and it be a healthy polyamorous relationship. In what I've written up to this point for The Brooklyn Boys, there's only a short mention of this, but I think it's something I might enumerate on in a follow up piece, but when Bucky and Steve experience that blindside of finding out they've been developing a relationship with the same girl, they're forced to grapple with a lot. They're each other's closest person. First and foremost that means that they're not going to sacrifice their bond for a girl. Them realizing they could/do care on a soulmate/romantic level for each other is kind of chicken-and-egg with them coming to the throuple possibility. If they didn't fall for the same girl, would they have discovered the romantic/sexual side of their relationship? Maybe, maybe not. When she becomes this problem point, and they decide she's not going to drive them apart, they have to go deep into why because they're both at that tipping point of going all in for Reader, so if they're going to sacrifice a potential happily ever after for the other person, that's huge.

...I mean, it's not necessarily surprising to us though. You can watch the MCU movies and think they're just platonic OR you can read into the strength of their bond being romantic (and the coding is there). It's ambiguous enough to play platonic - and I argue the same for Steve x Nat, but there's definitely the case for more than platonic there, too.

Okay.

But back to this.

I thought it would be TOO OBVIOUS that Stucky x Reader was where it was headed after I posted Steve and the Sandwich, and so it's fun to me that it wasn't blatant, and that some people do read it and get THE SURPRISE of the Blindside. If you go to my masterlist you see that the Bucky parts are listed under Bucky and Steve's under Steve like this:

But the full series link IS RIGHT THERE and so idk if I'm too clever to the point of TRICKING readers who are reading it for the first time?

Because I've gotten A LOT of comments where people say, "Oh, I'll have to go back and read _____'s part of the story now."

But THE INTERLUDE.

THE INTERLUDE specifically entwines the two narratives and signals that this is a cohesive story - and I don't say that to make anyone feel stupid, I guess I'm just trying to rationalize to myself that I didn't hoodwink readers just to hoodwink them.

If you do click on the series link, you get this listing:

And at the end of the day, the point is that there is the surprise reveal to Bucky and Steve, and I don't want to fully ruin that.

I think now that I've typed this all out, in my author notes I had been very deliberate in directing people to the next Steve or Bucky parts only, and so what I could/should do is just go to the end of Bucky and the Shelves and say that Bucky makes a significant series appearance in Steve's next part, so that if they hadn't already been reading BOTH collections of stories since entwining them at The Interlude, that I'm specifically sending them off to Steve's because there is a series plot point relevant to both of them, then it's courteous, but also HEAVILY HINTS that they should catch up, and it pokes the brain that... oh, is this... no, surely not, but she wouldn't have us... OH SNAP, IT IS THE SAME READER!

(the last parts do all say Stucky x Reader, but it's okay if readers get caught up in the narrative and forget that's totally where we're heading, that's kind of fun)

um

I don't really know how to end this post, and I have thought about writing out about all of this for quite some time, and even now I'm like....maybe not post? But I'm going to post.

end of post

[pbandjesse]

I really worked myself up last night about anxiety and I knew it was going to be for no reason and I knew everything would be fine but that still did not stop me from being incredibly anxious today. And obviously today was great. And a wonderful time. And I even let myself just be a couch potato for a few hours this afternoon. It was a really nice day.

I slept okay last night. I went to bed really late. Like 2:00 a.m. And I woke up at 9:00. And I felt pretty good. I got up but it did take me a little while. And I got washed I got dressed and I felt really cute and I was in a really good mood even if I was still worried about the day and my plans. The goal was to leave the house around 10:15 to meet Meghan for brunch. And I had to open up all the curtains and check on all the animals. I fed sweet pea. I had a Rice krispie and a little soda and things were good. I made sure I grabbed my art with a heart apron before I left and it was a beautiful day so even though it was chilly it was really nice out.

I got over to Hamden at 10:25 and I found a parking space really close to where we were going so that was great. I beat Megan there by a couple minutes because she literally lives two blocks away so she hadn't left quite yet. So I waited inside the very cute cafe for an open set of seats and once there was some I grabbed them for us and she came in a minute later.

While I was waiting the less than 5 minutes that I was there I read over the menu and I decided to get their avocado toast with a paprika egg. And it was a little pricey but like not crazy. It was like restaurant prices but I was prepared. And I got a strawberry lemonade. She got a sandwich and an iced coffee. And we went to sit down.

And it was so nice talking to her. She has ADHD in a very similar way that I probably have ADHD. And we were just ripping and talking about everything and I was telling her all about last night and cutting the legs off the sofa. And just laughing and talking about institutional issues with nonprofits and how they all seem to have the same problems. And job stuff and just gossip and she's just really fun. She's a really good person.

We were eating and talking and just enjoying the company until a little after 11:00 when we were like we should probably give up this table. And so we dipped out and our tables were snatched up right away.

It was nice enough that we decided to walk around Hamden. We went up and down the block and went in a couple vintage shops and just enjoyed talking and telling stories and looking at things. I love walking around Hamden because there's always excellent stickers on everything. And we had some very good laughs over some of those. It was just really nice.

Once we had gone around most of the block she has to if I wanted to go on a tour of the free libraries at her neighborhood. The little tiny boxes were people leave books. And while I didn't find anything that I wanted it was really fun to just kind of have that goal and we walked around for about a half an hour just looking in the boxes and I told her a story about a con man and she told me a story and it was just a lot of fun. I'm really glad that we were able to make that happen. Even if I was a very stressed about it beforehand.

I even told her that I was stressed about it and I told her it was just because I have been so busy and I have made myself very anxious over nothing. Even over things that I enjoy doing. We just haven't had much time that was unstructured I guess. Which has been hard. But I'm doing my best and I'm really glad that we made time today.

It was almost 12:15 when we said goodbye. And I went back to my car. And I was parked so well because I just was able to drive down the street around the corner and I was at art with a heart. Didn't even have to get back on the highway. And I was very pleased to see that the parking lot is finally fixed so I did not have to park on the hill. And I unlocked the lockbox and I got inside.

I was nervous. I was nervous how I was going to explain to everyone while I why I wasn't teaching the class and was nervous to hear how the new teacher is leading the class. Because obviously she's not going to do it the same way that I do it and I'm afraid that a more neurotypical person isn't going to understand the needs of the class and I had just been vibing with them for so long that I don't know I was just really worried.

And of course none of them knew I was coming. Even the bas leader was not aware that I was going to be there. Apparently at the very last class last semester they had written thank you cards for me and she's like oh if I knew you're going to be here I would have brought them. But instead she's going to mail them to her house and I really appreciate that. And then I got to see Naomi and she's as much of a goofball as always. And we just talked and caught up and it was so nice. And then our students start coming in and it was mostly people I already knew. There was like two new ones and everyone was big smiles. And asking why I wasn't with them and wondering what was going on and how I was and it was just really nice and I told them I would definitely do my best to come back in the fall because I really missed being with them and it was just a really really nice day.

We were doing watercolor paintings and I read through the description of the artist and it talked about the art of killing himself so I left that part out. And just talked about making pictures that tell stories about your favorite places and they really seem to like that so I just continued on what that conversation and just got them rolling and overall it went great. The only real issue we had was in the second hour when the adults came in and one of them was really upset that the clay pieces they apparently have been working on for the last 2 weeks we're not done being fired yet and there's literally nothing I can do about it except for make a fuss in the email because some of them were particularly upset because like they don't deal well with change and giving up their art and I totally get it but I think awah needs to be a little bit more specific about what they're giving this group. Wordly setting up the expectations about getting pieces back. I don't know if this group should really be doing things that have to be taken away or done over multiple weeks. But I was able to diffuse some situations and everything was fine in the end and I really had a wonderful time. Me and Naomi would work on our own watercolors while everyone was set and working and I had some nice conversations with people and it was just really good. I felt really happy.

I was getting tired about by the end and very hungry. Even though I had had a very excellent brunch I think just the teaching for a few hours just kind of took it out of me and I decided I would go over to the rotunda and get something to eat.

So after I said goodbye to everyone and I locked down the building I sat in my car for a few minutes and wrote up my little report for the class and then I drove to get my food.

James had texted me and they were going to be going golfing today. Last night they got very drunk with their friends and I got some very funny texts about them missing me and apparently James also called Evan and left a very sweet but very drunk voicemail. And I really want to hear it. So that was very funny and I'm just glad that everyone seems to be having a really good time out there and I get to have my husband back tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to hearing all about their trip.

But right at the end of class as I was like getting ready to go James texted me that Will wanted to come over and for some reason I just absolutely could not deal with that. I was so stressed out all of a sudden and I think it was because it was like I was getting a task all of a sudden when I thought I was finally done my tasks and that just really made me upset but James was like no no I will handle that it was Will don't worry do go to your thing. I really appreciated that. Because I don't know why it sent me off but I just could not deal.

I got over the rotunda though and I got a parking space right away. Excellent. And I went to mod Pizza and they put too much garlic on the pizza but it was still good. And I had a new podcast to listen to. Creepcast put a new episode out so I was really enjoying that. And when I was done it was time to go home.

When I got back here I parked on the correct side so I don't have to worry about moving it in the morning. Even though I'm still convinced I didn't park on the correct side but I double checked right now and I am. And then I put some stuff away and made outfits for the week. And then I tried to play a video game but the one I wanted wasn't download on the switch and I didn't know which one to remove so I just didn't play much. Like I turned on stardew Valley but then it wasn't feeling it. I had bought a little cupcake so I was eating a cupcake and then I just decided I was going to lay on the couch. And that is what I did. For like multiple hours I just laid on the couch and I watched videos and I scroll down Tumblr and I watch TikToks and just let myself let the sun go down around me.

I was texting Jess a lot too. She was on a date today and I hope that she had fun. I think it's hard when dates don't live up to like what people think butterflies are in media but I hope that she still had a good time and even if it doesn't work out maybe she made a friend.

eventually the sun would go down and I would have to get up again. I had already fed sweet pea but I made sure I fed everybody else and then I would finally put away the tools on the table in my studio. Well I didn't put all of them away I did put the box of tools downstairs and I will either sort that tomorrow or get James to help me. I mostly didn't want to do it because we don't have a light bulb on that side of the basement and it's dark. It's not like dark dark but it's not good to see in. So I will get a light bulb soon. And then I spend a little time fixing the table because part of the piece that holds up the leg when it's open was missing. But I didn't do it exactly correct. So I'll have to do that again but at least it is usable right now.

And once that was done I had a snack and I put the dishes away and loaded the dishwasher again and then I came upstairs to wash my hair.

I know I'm just sitting at my desk and texting James. Apparently they just finished the game and it went okay for not really ever golfing before. And I'm going to go blow dry my hair and probably get in bed and just relax for the evening.

James comes home tomorrow. But not till the afternoon so I'm hoping to spend the day just kind of having a good time maybe going to get some materials maybe not. Maybe I'll clean. Not that the house is particularly dirty but I just feel like it needs to be vacuumed all the time. The carpet kills me. But it's fine. And then I will pick up James and maybe we'll go have a late lunch and they can tell me all about their trip. It won't be so nice to have them home.

I hope you all have an excellent night. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Until next time.

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour à tous, it’s 10c and we are due 16c it’s going to be cloudy but who cares as long as it stays dry.

It has been a week of ups and downs , not only for me but the weather has changed so much from dry warm days to rain and winds, autumn has arrived!

The cleaning lady has been and worked her magic, I am so pleased to have her as it means that I can do washing, ironing, shopping and cooking plus spend time knitting, reading or just relaxing. Talking of knitting, I have finished the babies hat, have finished two pairs of fingerless gloves (they still need stitching up) and am back to working on the baby blanket.

The plumber made his visit but it wasn’t to do a full service of the boiler 😩 instead he had noticed the reduced flow of water and brought his “special equipment” which descaled the pipes meaning I now have fast flowing hot water everywhere in the house. I really must ring him to ask if he can service the boiler for me.

Maud (my podiatrist) visited last Sunday afternoon and just before she left she booked me in for an appointment. So Tuesday evening I went to have my feet pampered. It really is a great feeling going in feeling you have weights on your feet and coming out walking on air.

I arranged for my friend Sarah to visit me this week. I said lunch would just comprise of sandwiches but she was happy with that. I prepared the sandwiches so that they just had to be assembled in the plate for serving (memories of being a cricket tea lady came flooding back). We spent a lovely few hours chatting and eating.

I was buzzing along just fine, I even ordered my new printer and when it arrives I need to install it on my laptop, I am praying this can be done via USB rather than with a CD. Then like a bolt out of the blue I had a telephone call from the oncologist. Now as if that didn’t knock the wind out of my sails he told me I had to attend hospital the following day, I misunderstood and thought I was going for a scan. I didn’t hear him mention a time for the appointment so I waited for a phone call. About two thirty I rang the secretary, no it wasn’t a scan it was an appointment in radiotherapy at 9a.m.!!!!! Well I rang my usual taxi company, oh no taxi available, rang another company and the same reply. By this time I was on the ceiling, could I drive there, where was the radiotherapy department???? So much was going through my head so I messaged Anie, Maud and Monique. Monique finally got me fixed up with a taxi but I told her I didn’t have a transport voucher, she laughed and said don’t worry the driver will get one from the hospital. So I came down from the ceiling and relaxed. Next morning I was up bright and early, shutters were opened before sunrise, and the taxi arrived prompt at 8a.m. Now it was a little bit strange, the taxi driver’s face was familiar even though I haven’t used that taxi firm before. I think I have seen him in the bar but it could have been his doppelgänger 😂😂. Anyway, we got to the hospital where the appointment was for a consultation with the “head honcho” of radiotherapy who informed me that in order to “eradicate” (his word) this last bit of cancer I would need radiotherapy. I was buzzing again, I asked if I was having the scan that day, he told me to slow down there were other things to discuss. Anyway I am going for the CT scan next week and will then be given my appointments and transport voucher. As this node is in my intestine I have to have a special diet (not another one), yes indeed and all the food I eat whole meal bread, cereal, vegetables and nuts are all on my forbidden list 😩😩. I am hoping that this will only be my diet for about 4 weeks as I know I cannot stomach poached fish with plain boiled potatoes, rice or pasta. My breakfast will be biscottes aargh I detest those things but needs must I suppose. Anything will be preferable to carrying this “little blighter” around with me.

I have taken to wearing a hat, not just to keep my head warm but also to hide my receding hairline. Anyway, I am sick of waking up and finding myself looking so disheveled, I called into the hairdressers yesterday to make an appointment for her to cut the remaining hair short. I didn’t expect the reception I got, the hairdresser gave me the biggest smile, asked if I was OK and made the appointment for 5pm on Tuesday when there would be no-one else in the salon. I came out feeling wonderful, people are so kind going out of their way to accommodate me (and people like me I suspect too).

When I arrived in this town over 6 years ago there was a public swimming pool which I think had seen better days. It was demolished and a new aquatic centre has replaced it. There is also a new sports complex (see photo above) with football pitches, tennis courts, running track and other activities, the town is thriving.

So it’s time for the records that mean something to me, the first one this week is from 1984, Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) by Phil Collins. Think it has a lot to do with the video, which features Tulum in Mexico which brings back memories of my holiday in Mexico and visit to Tulum.

The next song is from 1998 it’s Bryan Adams featuring Mel C and the song is When You’re Gone. There is just something about this song that appeals to me.

“The Trainee Solicitor” has been unwell this week and I got an idea of how much my son’s have worried about me being ill, when I have worried about him. I hope that you are feeling better today.

During the heavy winds and rain from Storm Babet on Friday, “The Daddy” had a run in with a kerb on a roundabout. He is taking his car to get new tyres put on today as one tyre was really badly damaged. I hope it’s not as windy/rainy for you this morning.

“The Ex-Graduate” felt unwell one day but since then has been playing nurse to “The Trainee Solicitor”. We are all into reading books and she has finished a book which had a twist in the ending so she found that rather enjoyable.

My grandchildren are with “The Daddy” this weekend and my amazing granddaughter, a mere 5 years old, attends after school club where they have been drawing pictures for a competition. The competition was entitled “Perfect Pets” and after school clubs from all over the UK who have signed up for this will have the opportunity for the children’s pictures to be judged and some chosen to be entered in books of the same title. Well my granddaughter is only going to have her picture of her “Perfect Pet” entered in one of the books. How wonderful, what an achievement! Well done that young lady 😊.

Now I am used to acorns and their little “cups” but when I parked in town yesterday (under a tree) something bounced on the roof and closer investigation I spotted this “giant” acorn. I then inspected the tree and found it’s “cup” (see photos below) nothing like our English oak.

I wish you all a good week until next week.

[yubellia]

Miraculous: A tale of bees, wasps and hornets (oc character)

Prologue:

„Just look at her! Sitting all alone over there again, reading one of her stupid books!“ „True! Hey, I’m bored how about we mess with her again?“ „I don‘t know Mary. Last time Mrs. Willens was super angry.“

„Angry? Come on Tina! All she did was scold us and than forced Lisa to take our forces apology.“

After a little more convincing, a little group of 5 girls came up to Lisa, who was still sitting on a bench, reading a book. They talked to each other and came uncomfortably close to her. Knowing that she is there but ignoring her existence. Bumping against her.

Mary took the book from Lisa at one point.

„How is it Lisa? Enjoying your break?“

She held the book up. Lisa didn’t get up. She just sat there and watched. She knew what this was.

„Just give it back Mary.“

„Oh! Are we feisty today? Feeling brave? Let me guess. Your mommy motivated you right? Is she gonna scold us again if we mess with you?“

Just how could a 9 year old already be so determined to mess with someone? And for what? Lisa asked herself that almost every day. As for the ‚motivation‘ from her mother. That came in the form of an one-hour-scolding-speech. Because Lisa ‚can‘t stand up for herself‘.

„Mary, I leave you guys alone whenever I can. Why are you doing this? Just give it back and be done with it.“

Lisa got up to get her book but Mary threw it to Tina and pushed Lisa back down on the bench. She hit her legs and knew that tomorrow, there would be bruises.

„Why? Because it’s fun! Also, because you are weak. You already know that the teacher doesn’t care right? No matter how many times you tell her that we don‘t mean it, that our apologies are fake, you have to ‚be the bigger person‘ and take it. And than we are here. And we start again. That’s how this works. Tina?“

Tina gave the book back to Mary, who threw it in the trash can nearby.

„UPS! Have fun getting that out. I saw Mikey throw in some sandwiches earlier.“

The girls laughed and left. Lisa got up and took her book back out. It was dirty. But nothing that can‘t be fixed. Compared to other stuff they did, this was pretty tame.

The bell rang and Lisa got inside. Mrs. Willens was supposed to watch the kids during their break. Lisa kept her book hidden as she walked past her. „Did you have a nice break Lisa?“ Lisa just gave a short „yes.“ before she walked back in. She checked her chair because in the past, they did put needles there for her to sit on. Or kick her from behind. That’s why she asked for a seat in the back of the room.

A few hours later, at home, Lisa’s mom found the dirty book and noticed how quiet her daughter was again. „Did they do that?“ „yes.“ „and what did you do?“

„I tried to get it back, was pushed down onto a bench and Mary threw it in the trash.“ „and than you let them leave right? And you didn’t tell the teacher either huh?“ Lisa looked down. She could feel what was coming. She always felt so small against her mother. „No mom. I didn’t tell her.“ „great. Just great! You back down and they laugh behind your back! Are you really that weak? Do I have to confront them again?!“ „no mom! Please don‘t! You just make it worse!“ „well than you should finally do something! All you do is back down! Did you cry in front of them again?“ „no. Not this time.“

Lisa‘s Mother let out a sigh. „Well at least that.“ she shook her head and left Lisa‘s room. „You really need to be stronger. You know why they don‘t mess with Paul anymore? Because he slapped her! Mary got the message. Or maybe I was too soft with you. Maybe I gave you too much love because we are alone. Who knows.“

Lisa stayed in her room for the rest of the day. Tomorrow would be the same again. Her mom would drop her off at school, tell her to stand up for herself. And right after that, she would tell her to ‚behave and be good‘. Lisa asked herself many times how she was supposed to do both things at once.

(Timeskip. Half a year later)

Things had escalated a little. The girls got more physical with Lisa. Locking her out of the classroom. Making her wait for the teacher to show up and help her. And today, the teacher was late. Mary took something from Lisa and threw it away again. When Lisa got up, Mary pushed her and Lisa hit her arm and side on a table as she fell to the ground.

„Oh, ups! Sorry Lisa. Did you hurt yourself?“ „Mary I think you are overdoing it today.“ „oh shut up Tina. You ok, Lisa? Are you crying?“

The other kids watched, not messing with Mary and her friends. Lisa was alone. Like always. She had her moms words in her head as she got up. She gave Mary a cold look. „Oohhh! Someone is really brave. What will you do? Go to the teacher?“ Mary laughed and Lisa…… blacked out. One second, she stood in front of Mary and than….. nothing. She didn’t feel, see or hear anything. When she came back to her senses, Mary was bending over, holding her face and looking at Lisa with teary and fearful eyes. Lisa noticed that all the other children looked shocked too. Another thing that she noticed was her right hand. It hurt and was a fist now.

Lisa spit something white out and when she removed her hand, there was blood flowing down her nose.

The children screamed and it didn’t take long for a teacher to show up.

Half an hour later the principal had many people in his office. Mrs. Willens, Lisa’s mother, Mary‘s mother and Tina’s mother too.

Lisa learned a lot that day.

First, the teachers and the principal DID approach Mary‘s mother because of all the things she did. Mary’s mother often sat in the office and claimed that she doesn’t know what to do. Every since she got a new husband, Mary was out of control.

Second: Tina’s mother forbade her daughter to spend time with Mary. And that happened a year ago. Because she was more in the background, her mom didn’t notice. „Did I not tell you to stay away from her?! Did you forget how she treated you before this girl entered your class?! Now you pretend to be best friends? Why? Were you happy that Lisa took your place?“

At first, Mary tried to pin the blame on Lisa. With a broken tooth and a bloody nose, that wasn’t so hard. Lisa just sat there and waited for everything to be over. She knew that her scolding would come once she was home. Her mom would not do that in public. However, Mary didn’t manage to do that. Both Tina and Paul, who always stayed as far away as possible, stepped in and told the truth. How Mary started it, how Lisa got hurt when Mary pushed her down and how she mocked Lisa before she got punched in the face.

Mary was so angry that she didn’t sit still and her nose didn’t stop bleeding for quite a while. Tina turned to Lisa. Her eyes looking down and she only looked up once or twice. „I’m sorry Lisa. I didn’t want things to go this far. I was just so scared that Mary would choose me once I help you. I’m really sorry!“ for the first time since this started, by now she endured this for 3 years, this was an honest apology.

Mary kept screeching angrily and her mother shut her down pretty harshly. „You shut up! Do you know how embarrassing this is! All this pain you caused these two girls! Where did I go wrong with you?!“

Lisa‘s Mother wanted to compensate Mary and her mother for the broken tooth. At least pay for the dentist. But Mary’s mother refused. She claimed that maybe now, her daughter learned a lesson. She also kept apologizing for everything her daughter did as she took her to the doctor, excusing her for the rest of the day.

Mrs. Willens was far from happy. Once Mary was gone, she finally managed to speak up. „Well, even with all that happened, beating Mary up was not the answer. I hope you apologize when she comes back Lisa.“

From one moment to another, the temperature dropped drastically in the room. Lisa’s mother took a deep breath before speaking up again.

„All of this could have been avoided if you had done your job properly and disciplined this brat better! She had to learn that there are real consequences. And if she continues once she is back, she might also deserve to get a lesson again! What do you think will happen if this brat isn’t stopped now? This girl is 9 years old and has no sense of right and wrong! If you can‘t do your job and protect the children in need, they will help themselves! This was obviously going to happen sooner or later.“

Mrs. Willens was getting nervous as Lisa’s mother kept getting louder. „But getting physical is….“ Lisa’s mom interrupted her. „How about, you quit your job? How about you try working with toddlers? Maybe your character is more fitting for that!“

All the others in the room looked at Lisa’s mom and than at Lisa who just shrugged her shoulders. She knew this side of her mother already.

Mrs. Willens finally managed to talk back though. „But they will change to another school soon! They have to get along!“

It became quiet after that before Lisa’s mom turned to her daughter. „Didn’t you tell them?“

Lisa hesitated but answered slowly. „No. I didn’t want them to do a goodbye party, where everyone claims to be friends with me, or say that they are sad that I leave.“

Mrs. Willens was shocked. „You leave? You won‘t change schools with the others?“

Lisa‘s mom took over again. „No. We move to Paris. Closer to my relatives. My daughter won‘t join the others in the new school.

—————————————————-

Lisa was not scolded by her mother. She just hoped that from now on, for the rest of the school year, there would not be anymore trouble. In Lisa’s head, an idea started to form. She didn’t know how she stood up to Mary. But it felt easy. And it felt good to let it all out. „Maybe, if I attack first, nobody will hurt me again.“

The next few weeks, Mary tried to get back at Lisa. Even getting physical too. But Lisa just grabbed her arm and pinched her very badly until bruises formed. Of course Mrs. Willens was not happy but Lisa didn’t care anymore. The other children tried to apologize and get back on her good side but Lisa didn’t care about them either. She would be gone soon. In a new country would she hopefully be able to be strong and not allow this in the first place.

She would not get hurt again.

—————————————————-

/biiieeeb!!!biieeep!biiieeeeppp!/

Lisa woke up in cold sweat when her alarm went off in the morning.

She turned her alarm off and lied back down again.

„Why the hell can‘t I let go of that past!?“ she groaned and stared to crawl out of bed, slowly opened the window and looked out to see the sun rise over Paris.

„5 years…. 5 god damn years and she still won‘t let me be…. Well, time for school.“

Lisa was 14 years old now. She started a new life in Paris with her mother. She kept her plan and became ‚stronger‘. She didn’t back down to anyone. She became a pretty edgy teen in mostly black clothes.

Ironically enough, this got her a number of images. The delinquent that gets into fights, the class president that keeps everyone in line, a troublemaker that (somehow) still gets gold grades despite not caring about a thing. Most of those were true, but only parts of who she is.

She threw her shorter hair in a messy bun, fixed herself up in the bathroom, dressed up, put on some makeup and put on the bag that’s on her belt before she grabbed her backpack and rushed down the stairs. With her combat boots it was pretty easy to hear her. But it didn’t matter. Her mom was already gone to work in her hair salon. There was money on the kitchen table.

Lisa grabbed it and left the house. She will have to buy something again.

„Alright Paris. Here we go again.“

——————————————————

Ok! Done! I hope you liked it. This was the prologue! Or rather, Lisa’s introduction. I hope to see you again in the next chapter. Bye!

[hannahssimblr]

“Is that everything?” Mom’s car idles as I haul my last suitcase out of the boot and onto the pavement. The wind is frigid, slicing through the tunnel of concrete and asphalt at departures, and whipping my clothes about my body like sails.

“Yeah,” I say. “That’s it now.”

“Alright,” she says, and pauses, her face halfway turned, so I see her in profile from my place by the open boot, her sharp cheekbone silhouetted by the sunrays through the open floors of a car park.

“Right, well.”

“Yes. I better go.”

“Thanks for the lift.”

She hesitates, her chest rising and falling with a sharp breath. “I- It’s a shame you have to go,” she says eventually. “But it’s for the best.”

“Yes.”

“Call me when you land.”

“I’ll text.”

“That’s fine.”

I slam the boot shut, and she pulls away from the curb with a roar of her engine. 

“Would all passengers travelling to Berlin on flight DLH-3478 please have your boarding passes and passports ready for boarding? Flight DLH-3478 now boarding at gate 41.” 

“Welcome on board,” says a peppy flight attendant. “Can I help you find your seat?”

“No.”

I shuffle down the aisle to the sounds of sleepy murmuring from the other passengers. A combination of English and German. I find my seat and shove my bag into the overhead compartment. 

As luck would have it, I was randomly assigned a window seat. I squeeze in, my knees bent and nudging the seat in front of me. 

Next to me, an older lady, in her sixties maybe, struggles in. “Oh, goodness’ sake,” she says, in this lilting, Donegal brogue. “These seats weren’t made for tall fellas like you, were they?”

“Suppose not.” I turn my face to stare at the asphalt out the window. 

She settles in, hauling a heavy purse onto her lap, from which she unloads her reading glasses, a book with a WHSmith sticker on the cover, a BLT sandwich and a knitting project, still on the needles. 

I breathe slowly from my nose. 

“Terrible early flight, isn’t it?” She says, wiggling into her seat. 

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“I came all the way from Letterkenny. I had to get a bus at midnight. Imagine that. Took three hours overall. It’s desperate.”

“Mm.”

“Where are you coming from?”

“Clontarf. It’s like, fifteen minutes away.”

“Oh, lucky you!” She pulls down the table, but soon has to fix it back in place when the flight attendant coming to close the overhead lockers asks her to. The handbag is repacked and squeezed under the seat in front. 

She happily talks over the safety announcement. “I’m excited about this,” she whispers as the attendant demonstrates how to blow up the life vest. “I’m visiting my sister. She’s lived over in Berlin for years and years. She’s got a German husband. Gerhard, and I’d say the last time I visited, well, we were trying to figure it out together when I was on the phone with her. Was it eight years? When was… No, it was 2001…”

When the engines roar to life, and the plane begins its slow taxi across the runway, she produces a bag of sweets from her cardigan pocket. “For your ears?” she says. 

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” She rustles the bag, and I look. They’re lemon bonbons. I like those. 

“Yeah, actually, thanks,” I say, and pluck one from the packet. I haven’t yet decided if I can eat it while my stomach is so knotted up and queasy. Maybe I’ll just hold it.

“What’s bringing you to Berlin?” She says, as the plane rounds a wide corner to reveal the expanse of sky over the flat of north Dublin. 

“I’m moving, actually.”

“Oh! Wow, isn’t that exciting?”

“Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“What has you going to Germany?”

“College,” I say, because it’s all I think I can say. Something is happening behind my face. I clench my fist around the lemon bonbon, sticky in my hot palm. 

“All on your own?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, well, it’s a big change, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“You’ll miss your family and friends, won’t you? It’s not far, but you know how these things are. It’s never easy leaving home for the first time.”

“No.”

“You’re very brave.”

A murmuration of starlings cuts through the blue. “Mm. I suppose. I-” I break off as my voice catches. No. I think. Not here. So I blink, hard, but it can’t stop the tears coming, because they’ve been waiting, as though building behind a dam, and now at last, in the most inconvenient location on the planet, something has given. “I… um…”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she produces a tissue and I take it, pinching it against the bridge of my nose while tears spill over and snot flows, my teeth bared. I can’t bear to look at her as she fusses over me, her hand stroking my sleeve. I sniff, and it’s loud, and thick, and humiliating. 

“Darling, you’ll be alright, c’mere, now, you can just let it all out.”

“Sorry.”

“No need.”

Like a mother, she murmurs vague, comforting sentiments as the tears pour, and build, and flood my vision until the view of Dublin blurs like wet paint. I sob until I think I’ll retch. The plane speeds along the runway, and lifts, and takes off into the sky, and I leave my little green island behind. 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[keefwho]

April 29 - 2024 Monday

10:59pm

5/10

This morning I shaved my face and clipped my toenails. Also did laundry throughout the day but I think it still needs more drying. My CoStar said to let myself be weird today so I took that prompt and combined it with defusion to be on the lookout for thoughts that others might be judging me today. Breakfast was a jimmy dean sandwich and rice. I tried to start Ducktales again but I wasn't really interested. I started watching a neat little video about a disney animatronic theft DS linked me.

During my stream, 57 got rowdy with me right off the bat and made the mood weird. I also had to restart my PC before I could draw. No one was in stream today, even he had to leave at least partly because of work stuff. I warmed up by copying Spirit screenshots. Then I did my latest YCH for 2 hours. It was mind numbing, I got so bored by the end of it. I also felt bad about my coloring style being lacking as of late. I feel as though I've been trying too hard to play it safe even though the new way I've been coloring allows for greater freedom and experimentation.

After stream I was gonna play War Thunder or something but I saw TK was on VRchat so I joined her. She and NJ were playing chess which SUCKED but I stuck around while I starting preparing commissions for next month. Then I balled myself up in my hoodie and took a nap in my chair until she woke me up. I left to make lunch. Lunch was a really good tuna quesadilla. It was a little bit small for a meal and I did that intentionally since I've been averaging 141+ pounds. I've noticed my weight tends not to vary too wildly so even 1 or 2 pounds queues me to make small eating decisions over the next few days. Not that I care THAT much. Just something I consider.

Afternoon was spent doing today's request and drawing something quick and silly for DS. Then I started fabricating my next idea that I'll start on next week. I worked on PZ's VRchat world for an hour today. I meant to write the project off completely but I figure I'll spend my weekly Monday 1 hour time slot on it, thats not much. When I was done, I had agreed to play Roblox with TK since we didn't get to over the weekend. I introduced her to the basics of the horse game. I felt nervous because I couldn't tell if she was enjoying it or not. I didn't feel good at selling it because I sort of play it for the vibes. I think it's a great game to play if your primary goal is just chatting. I was about to leave to start dinner which is right when DS became free as well.

DS showed me how she fixed her fursuit's lips which was great, I was so sad to hear she didn't end up liking how they had turned out at first. I try to be reassuring but I struggle to be sometimes. Through my days learning how to manage creativity and artistic expectations, I've learned that there is no "failure" in a way and I like to try and convey this. I've learned you can brute for anything with enough attempts. And each slipup teaches you something new if you let it. The important thing is to stare your 'failures' in the face so you can fully recognize what you need to change going forward.

Other than that we watched a video on Marefair which was just disgusting. It looked like an awful time surrounded by awful people. And yet I could probably make a lot of money if I vended there. Not that I would ever.

In bed we did puzzles and read a couple Monster High chapters. The book is getting real juicy right now. We also learned about a 1994 adaptation of Black Beauty I put on our list of movies. In KH2 I completed the second part of the Pride Lands.

[mylifebeingautistic]

book review: The Cassandra Complex by Holly Smale

Cassie is having the worst day of her life. She is dumped by her boyfriend and fired from her job. Worse, her favourite cafe has run out of her staple banana muffins. She then discovers that she has a magical power: she can time travel to the past.

The book follows Cassie as she tries to fix her life and ensure that the original disastrous day doesn't happen. But things end up going much differently than she had planned.

I found Cassandra to be a really relatable character. I've seen some reviews saying that they didn't like her constant references and infodumps about Greek mythology, but I really enjoyed these, a) because I'm also interested in Greek mythology and b) because I can relate to constantly wanting to bring up my special interests in every conversation, even when they're not particularly relevant! I was surprised that she didn't know she was autistic the whole time, and it was treated more as a reveal at the end.

My favourite thing about the book is the plot twist that's revealed towards the end. I don't want to spoil it, but if you're considering not reading/finishing the book because you think it's all about Cassie getting her ex-boyfriend back, keep reading! There is more to it than that, and it was a really interesting plot.

From this point on, I will be discussing spoilers and quotes from The Cassandra Complex. If you don't want to see those, stop reading here!

I don't think we talk enough, as a species, about how ridiculously difficult it is to make basic conversation. People act like it should be fun, but it isn't.

This is so true! I've always been so bad at conversation. I don't understand how it comes so naturally to other people. I wish there was some rulebook for how to make a conversation, but I think that even if I followed each rule to the letter, I would still feel like I was doing something wrong.

An older lady with grey hair in a neat bun is standing right next to me, also staring at the menu. And I mean right next to me. She's not touching, but she's so close her personal gravitational field feels like it's made out of hot needles. Why do people always do this? What is wrong with them? I can't buy a cheese sandwich in Sainsbury's without a total stranger standing so close I can smell what they use as shower gel.

I also found this so relatable. I think a lot of autistic people have a different sense of personal space to allistic people, and someone standing a bit too close to us can feel so overwhelming, or (as in Cassie's experience) physically painful.

I suddenly realise: I'm not travelling through time to undo the things I've done wrong, or the decisions I've made. I am trying to undo myself.

When Cassandra came to this realisation!!! It's really interesting to think about: most times she travels back to redo something, it's because she had a bad sensory experience and got upset, or because she said something 'wrong', which are just characteristics that are a part of her. It's so sad that society makes us as autistic people feel like we're not good enough, and that we have to change somehow in order for people to like us. When in reality it's society that needs to change, to be more understanding and accepting of autistic people.

"That's OK," I say, standing up. "I don't think that was the relationship the universe was telling me to fix anyway."

I really liked this reveal! When Cassie figures out that the relationship with Will wasn't ever supposed to work out, but that she is meant to fix her relationship with her sister, Artemis. And I loved the whole healing journey that the two sisters go on together, and how they resolve the issues that had driven them apart.

My eyes suddenly fill. "You believe me?"

This moment was so good! If you're familiar with the Cassandra story from mythology, you'll know that her main thing is not being believed. So this moment was so important! And I loved that Cassie and Sal had built up a relationship in this new timeline, such that they were friends and Sal would take her side instead of Derek's.

"People think autism is some kind of error, and it's not. You're not broken or 'disordered', or whatever they say on their little bits of paper. That just means 'not exactly like me'"

I loved Artemis in this moment! She was exactly what Cassie needed at this point, to tell her that she wasn't broken, she was good enough just as she was.

"Bye," Artemis nods, taking a deep breath. "Bye," I smile. And I close my eyes to go back to the beginning.

I'll be honest, the one thing I didn't like about the book was this ending. I feel like Artemis and Will's relationship could have been fixed some other way. Because with this ending, everything that Cassandra has gained is undone, and she has to do it all over again. She's going to lose her new friends, Sal and Sophie, her newly mended relationship with her sister, and she'll have to do all the work towards pursuing her dream of going to university all over again. I felt like everything she'd gained over the course of the book was undone, and I didn't like it.

In general I'm just not a fan of sad or uncertain endings. I like everything to be resolved and happy at the end of the book.

But that's all just my opinions. What did you think of The Cassandra Complex?

[js-third-place]

I still don't know what's real and what's my anxiety, I'll try to relay this somewhere between how it felt in the moment and how it looks now.

The bookstore had 3 or 4 customers, which was the perfect amount. Enough that I wouldn't draw sole focus, not so many I felt anxious.

On my way to the book store I passed one of the lunch places I had in mind. The only one on the route and not requiring crossing 2 large streets in a terrible 6 way intersection. It was uncomfortably busy.

I did need to ask about the location of a book, and that involved hovering next to a woman at the register for an uncomfortably long time before she somewhat curtly handed me off. Not enough to ruin anything, but didn't feel great.

The person who helped me find the book and the person who rang me up were both wonderful. The latter made a joke about my very common name and when I responded the original, curt, woman got annoyed and left to the back. I can write it off as the owner trying to work but it actually registered a little bit that time and bummed me out.

Walking out, the weather was getting bad, I talked myself into hitting the busy bakery and just working it out.

On the walk over there was a couple walking into a business between us. He openly stared at me multiple times, including looking partly over his shoulder as he entered his destination. I was not holding eye contact or staring at him, but most of the times I glanced over, his eyes were fixed on me.

I panicked while ordering because I couldn't remember what their non coffee options were to drink and ended up having to come back a second time and buyba soda seperately. The cashier was nice enough the first time but cold the second. She walked away while I finished the order.

Two women were taking up 2 seats at a somewhat communal table so I grabbed one seat away from them. They were having a pretty personal conversation so I was trying to find another spot.

The runner came out with my sandwich, and we had the kind of interaction I have a lot. It starts totally normal, but by the end (2 quick sentences this time) they're looking at me as if they know something is wrong in my head. I have to assume it's my trouble holding eye contact but I'm not sure.

I don't know how to build enough confidence to look someone in the eye when every interaction just makes me feel like more of an outsider.

I noticed a table with a few dirty glasses but seemed abandoned. I asked a few other people and they all were nice and said they thought the people were gone so I settled in among the discarded trash.

I ate and read, and could see both people I had asked staring at me occasionally.

I need to stop here and say: before this crippling anxiety set in, I would treat any sort of long glance as evidence I looked cute that day. I can't pull up that kind of assumption anymore, not even by force.

There was a cute moment where a lady and her dog drew the attention of the entire cafe and I shared a few normal glances with other diners. That went fine.

When throwing out my garbage I initially felt like I was getting a weird look from 2 workers but I was able to convince myself they were probably just in conversation and I distracted them. I'm not entirely unable to correct my feelings as I go.

That's basically the end, but I want to call out my bad behavior on the wall back because I think it might be related. I saw a person doing nothing wrong but something about them just sent me to a very judgemental space. This happens a lot. I can notice if and condemn it, but I can't stop myself from feeling it. It's very clear I need more work on just existing around people.

Overall, I think I handled the situation well, but I do wonder if it was worth it. The money, the calories, the time and for not much benefit. Even if things had gone perfectly, I don't think it would have made me happier than just staying home.

My friend highly recommends. "Bourdain Days", where you pretend you're Anthony Bourdain wandering an area. Get a bite to eat, get a drink, talk to some people and do it all with his ease. It sounds amazing, and I do think it could work for me in other circumstances, but a snowy Chicago afternoon wasn't it. I also think you need a very specific kind of place, and the only place I know of in my neighborhood with the right vibe, hours, and menu closed during the pandemic.

It might be that simple. It might be just finding the place with the right vibe to accommodate. A little dive-y but clean, serves lunch but nothing too heavy, where you can order a beer and read your book. Just the right amount of busy.

I'll keep looking.

I have a single ticket for a comedy show tonight, Im going to try very hard to make it happen but I already can feel myself wriggling out of it

[desertslegacy]

I Don't Like Sand

ladyleonster

"I've survived worse," Ethlyn answers with a dry huff of a laugh. She's made worse mistakes and even outlasted her own death. Watching Raven leave her had hurt but she'll get through it. She has to. What other choice is there?

Igrene's face is warm and her demeanor inviting. She doesn't pry and Ethlyn is glad to take a seat with her. Sigurd's and Leif's comforting had been nice but it's different with a stranger. She feels like she can hold her cards closer to her chest. She doesn't have to worry about protecting Igrene like she did with Leif or that Igrene will be able to read her like an open book the way Sigurd could.

"Maybe something minty. And yeah, I should probably eat something as well. I might have gone a little overboard on the champagne. I don't need to end up with another regret, ha."

Her head is already starting to hurt. She may have made a series of not so great choices but at least this one she can do something to fix.

And there was the flash of that stubbornness that the card had indicated, though it softened immediately under the warmth of Igrene's understanding. It could be difficult, she knew, to have to bear something terrible alone - and to think that you needed to do it alone, in spite of having those willing to help. Gently, she plucked up the blanket from where she had been sitting, and draped it over Ethlyn's shoulders, tucking it about her form.

"Surely," she said, expression soft and encouraging as she patted the other woman's hand before flagging down a mouse-waiter for a pot of mint tea and some food; "Perhaps something with starch and fat? To, er, mitigate some of the champagne." The hearth of her brand crackled, reignited the doused simmering embers of Ethlyn's, twin flowers blooming at the vines along their necks.

The mouse-waiter returned promptly bearing a pot of strong mint tea, and a platter of teeny tiny sandwiches of spiced ground meats and cheeses, as well as a boat of fried julienned potatoes. Igrene thanked the mouse, and gingerly gestured for Ethlyn to partake. "Please, after you. It, er, smells wonderful!"

It did, in truth, and she hoped the other woman was not so far gone that she couldn't stomach the food she dearly needed. Igrene plucked up one of the tiny sandwiches and nibbled, crossing one leg over the other. She hesitated to ask about how Ethlyn was enjoying the ball - it was clear that she was not - but it would have been much worse to sit there in silence.

"You know," she said instead, "we do not have these sorts of events where I am from. Much of this is quite new to me. I cannot say I've ever been, um, shrunken before."