#or perhaps this is me gaslighting myself now that I am actually recovering

[cahootings]

been a while since I had a bonafide Stoned Thought but last night I really had a moment of thinking “what if I didn’t actually injure myself that badly what if I can actually walk right now” as though I’d racked up all this medical debt and spent so much time at physical therapy for no reason

[kyrodo]

I deal with significantly less selective bullshit than I used to. Ever use wordplay for anything other than manipulating and gaslighting people?

i used to use it to communicate negative emotions and thoughts. I would think up a negative or painful word to express what I'm feeling, find edgy art, or I'll just straight up retweet a post if I can't find furry artwork with it, that is not gaslighting. That is a direct reflection of emotion. Or I would retell recent events in my favorites cause that was my obsession at the time and perhaps still so. And then find random art to bury it so stalkers aren't finding it right away. That used to be my stupid form of leaking emotions into the public space. On the other hand what the fuck were you doing?

My inner thoughts leak like an open wound when I am stressed I just don't bother to obfuscate it anymore. That's the difference between now and then. I don't care what you think or feel about me because that ship has already sailed so I'm free. I'm free to be as literal or figurative as I want to be. I'm free to monologue as much as I want even when it's excessive, because it doesn't fucking matter who's reading it anymore.

I like it better when you're not there to respond and twist everything beyond recognition. When you're not there pretending like you actually gave a shit, excited about things that were never going to happen, because you wouldn't drop the mask for half a second and actually give it a chance.

Boundaries, relationship status, what I can say, what I can't, what I have to let go, so much of that could have been padded out with time, communication, peer pressure whatever the fuck needed to happen. It seemed so simple in my head. But I'm the only one that understood that.

It wasn't a great time for me and I used you to cope with it like a wet rag. But I would have gotten better later. And your role would have changed even if just as a friend or an acquaintance. I would've eventually stopped being codependent on you. And things would have died more peacefully. Feelings and such time fixes those things sooner than you think. If I didn't need to be there for us to recover there were better ways for that to happen too. If me lurking was an issue, you just had to give me time or have everyone block me. I was persistent but not that persistent. Or at least you should have tried it first so I couldn't make that excuse. Instead I was provoked beckoned encouraged manipulated so your friends could have fun and traumatize for no other reason than spite. And that shit hurts and that shit lasts and it still hurts. And I'm still stuck here asking myself why. Why did I deserve this? Why can't people talk to each other instead of half ass everything they try to get across, be reasonable, act reasonable, resolve conflicts instead of actively and excessively make them worse? I'm sure I seemed overly tenacious, but the fact that you plainly didn't even fucking try is still there. The whole taking a hint thing kinda went out the window when we just completely gave up on human language.

I'm used to Omi's group, I'm not used to yours, and yours is underdeveloped as fuck. Either that or the personality of it is complete ass. I know for a fact we wouldn't do that shit to someone. Does Omi Lucas Belle or Kay seem the type? Didn't think so. Nope it's just fucking you. Guess you can't approach everyone the same way huh? I mean I don't share lyrics and vent imagery with them but the point still fucking stands. Why are you a fucking dick?

Do I make sense now? The man behind the curtain? Still waiting for you to. The contrast with my personality irl, to the one I show people that are dicking around with me, you gotta fucking earn that. You gotta be doing something wrong. And even then I'm blowing hot air on a keyboard not raiding your fucking apartment.

You don't know how stupid it feels to think you mean something to someone only to finally talk them and fall flat on your face like it was all a complete joke. Of course I was mad, and people are allowed to be mad at you. Being mad at someone is not a fucking crime. Showing you're mad at someone is not a crime. Making someone's life miserable directly because you're mad is. And no amount of technicalities and wordplay makes that okay.

Having someone to squeeze a pillow and obsess over, it seems I do that from time to time, you're the only that's hacked me for it. Hell you're the only one that's caused any real drama for it too. Guess you'll need to find someone else for Luke to have a manipulative power trip over. I don't know if you noticed yet but I'm not the type for that shit to work on for very long. If I didn't ground myself in enough logic back then back when I was pathetic and crushy I certainly have now. The ground beneath me is full of fucking concrete and I'm not desperate for some asshole that keeps trying to hurt me wherever they know Red can't protect me.

Bringing Red up to speed sucked but your leverage fucking died. All I had to do was give up on you. Something I really shouldn't have had a hard time with, cause you don't deserve it. You did everything in your power to kill that off.

As silly as I presented my mental playground back then I have an extremely hard time trying to figure out what mental gymnastics it took for you to make your stupid ass decisions. I like how I went from romantic bullshit to being the one telling everyone common sense is a bitch

[stop-brunotime]

CW: I'm ranting about personal stuff, using bad language, feeling shit about myself and being a bad example, complaining about my emotionally abusive mother, etc. Proceed with caution. This is further to my post on Thursday. Thank you to everyone who reached out. It meant the world, and I'll reply individually when I'm done with this post. I'm going to list the questions that have been bugging me to the point of suicidal ideation, and if you know the answers, please help a sibling out!

Christmas

Am I the only one bothered by Christmas trees? Like, everyone knows Jesus was probably born in August/September, because that's when Judaism's 'go visit the family' holidays are and there's no way shepherds would've been hanging out in the pastures in midwinter. Christmas trees are a blind appropriation of European Paganism's customs (and, while we're at it, holiday, since it's not even Jesus's real birthday). We're all claiming to celebrate Jesus, when in reality we're just marking our homes as places the tree spirits can overwinter. How can we claim to live lives of peace and love and do ignorant, appropriative shit like that?

Santa. FFS, this one grates my carrot to the quick. Named for St Nicholas (who was an African bishop and very definitely Black, despite what the white supremacists will tell you on Twitter), Santa seems to be a combination of Scandinavian Pagan myths. Either he's a Christian appropriation of Odinn, who gave kids gifts at midwinter, or he's an erasure of Sami (native Scandinavians, traditionally marginalised) shamans (who were typically women) who apparently gave the grown-ups entheogenic mushrooms. So, we're erasing POC and Native women and getting toxic about it on socials. Nice. I totally want gifts from that guy! (I'm aware that in Spain and Germany [and probably other countries too] it's the Baby Jesus who brings the gifts. I'm not resident in one of those countries, so have to deal with all the Santa bullshit) Again, we claim to be all about the peace and love how?!

Bringing me to Christians. Now, I identify as one, so am spraying friendly fire here. Why are my choices of places to worship either the kind who preach heterosexism from the pulpit, regularly using 'the homosexuals' as our go-to example of unrepentant sinners bound for eternity in Hell, or the kind who just don't mention it, which feels like ominous silence? The church who don't actively hate on queers have asked me to play in their music group. I gave guy some bullshit reason about being too busy to do something I would actually like to do as a person of faith, because I was scared that, if I started doing it and they found out I occasionally fall for women and NBs/GNCs, they'd throw me out and publicly shame me and maybe sell me out to the cops (who are wildly heterosexist, backed up by the law, and allegedly not above a bit of corrective gang rape of queer prisoners).

And onto Trump. The man reminds me of my mother. And that makes me a terrible human, because he does so many worse things than triggering memories of her being consistently passive-aggressive and theologically inaccurate about "Christian values". He makes such rapey comments all the fucking time, and just dismisses anyone who tries to call him on it. He is the embodiment of everything that's wrong with the world, and yet I meet so many people who love him. We live in fucking Africa...what exactly are we doing supporting the guy who's defunding all the USAID healthcare programs that keep us in contraceptives? Like, sure, I've never had an abortion, and, barring medical necessity or a pregnancy from being raped again, am probably going to keep any pregnancy I achieve before menopause (which is only ten years away, and I don't exactly have the most active sex life from which to achieve a pregnancy)...but I've been the emergency contact on enough hospital admission forms to know that it's a necessary medical procedure and people need access to quick, cheap, and as-painless-as-possible abortions. We got that from USAID. Now Trump has fucked that up and we need to go private, which is a D&C under full anaesthesia, with associated risks. Sure, Trump blustered a bit about Mugabe, but didn't do anything real in the eleven months between him taking office and us having our coup-that's-not-a-coup. Tweeting doesn't count. How exactly is that asshole going to be 'the next Mordecai of Israel' and 'the one to rid the world of dictatorship'?

Speaking of pathological Machiavellian narcissists, does anyone have resources for recovering from a parent who used you to meet her needs from when you were really small? She never raped me or anything, but the long-term emotional neglect, belittling, passive-aggression, criticism, gaslighting, parental alienation (yes, for almost twenty years she had me convinced that my dad, whom I love and who I'm most like, was the angry abuser in their relationship and she was the victim) have taken their toll. My therapist says I need to adjust my expectations of her and my problems will go away. I see her point, but my mother is still mean as fuck. For example, she sent me a room diffuser that smelled like it came from a pound shop for Christmas. (It was called 'african spice'. It smelled of cinnamon. There are no African spices. Cinnamon is from Asia. She's heard me rant several times about people mis-labelling plant origins, so it's not like she doesn't know how much it bugs me.) This is after a quarter century of me saying variations on, 'Books or nothing, but please no cash or girly shit,' every Christmas and birthday. This is after coming out to her as genderqueer. She said she immediately thought of me when she saw it. Surely there's a more direct way to tell me that I or my house smell/s bad? Perhaps a way that doesn't subtly signal that she still frames me as the gender-perfect imaginary daughter she has in her head? She went to the effort of having it brought to Zimbabwe in a suitcase (what comes in suitcases isn't charged import tax). She could have spent that fiver on a second-hand book from Amazon, sent it out in a way that bypassed ZIMRA's human rights violation of a book tax, and given me the gift of freedom of information. But she chose to force her gender ideals on me in a way that says, yet again, that I need to be just a little bit better to be worthy of her love

I'm legit concerned that she's made me a horrible person. She gave me so many of her issues that I'm pretty sure everyone feels about me the way they do about her. I'm sure everyone looks at me and sees the lack of tangible results that come from being terrified of being publicly shamed as crazy and weird. I'm horribly awkward and say the wrong thing often. I've had dates end because I got awkward and up in my head and told him that wood cockroaches eat their parents' shit to replenish their gut flora after molting. I take days, sometimes months, to reply to messages. I hold opinions that are shared by a tiny minority of scientists and theologians, and everyone disagrees. And my writing output bears this out. The only time people say nice stuff about my writing is when I've written porn under a fake name that doesn't really have socials. The rest of the time, it's people calling me out or trolling me. Am I wrong? Is the internet just a toxic shit hole? Is everyone talking smack about me in DM, and I have no idea how many people are laughing at me? Should I just delete all my accounts, move to the Andes, change my name, and raise llamas for yarn and bees for mead?

What even is the right thing to do? I was raised with so much certainty, and have since found out things like the universe wasn't made in six days five thousand years ago, and nobody really knows where Mount Sinai is. It doesn't feel right to just pick the most convenient set of rules. I should be able to tell what the right choice is. Who died and bequeathed me the right to decide right from wrong? How am I supposed to help others when I don't even know the answers myself (and neither do any of the scholars, who are simply putting forward a best guess model) and will probably be wrestling with existential questions on my death bed? Put your own mask on first, sure, but how do I fit all these masks on one face?

[rationalsanskar]

When Mindfulness Is Gaslighting: For Preventing Burnout, Company Culture Is The Key

Antonio Horta-Osorio, chief executive officer of Lloyds Banking Group Plc, looks on during a panel … [+] session at the World Economic Forum (WEF) in Davos, Switzerland, on Thursday, Jan. 19, 2017. World leaders, influential executives, bankers and policy makers attend the 47th annual meeting of the World Economic Forum in Davos from Jan. 17 – 20. Photographer: Jason Alden/Bloomberg

Lloyds boss Antonio Horta-Osorio has been speaking out about mental health issues this week. Having taken time off for stress himself, he has brought a new perspective to Lloyds, demonstrating to other large companies that compassion and empathy might be a more successful strategy than replacing staff who need to recover.

Burnout is a huge problem in the modern day workforce and it disproportionately affects neurominorities. However, it is simply not possible for us all to take a week to recuperate in a lovely spa by the sea when this happens, neither can we fix all of our mental health problems with mindfulness and juice cleanses. I find myself somewhat annoyed at well-being programs that add things to my to-do list in order for me to manage my stress! 10 mins of sitting and staring at waves isn’t going to suddenly make me more efficient or replace the missing colleague whose work I’ve picked up. Individual solutions to structural problems is gaslighting – we find ourselves feeling at fault for not being able to cope. Finding a sustainable work pattern and proper resourcing is the real pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, not fads and panaceas. Employers can encourage this with HR policy and culture.

Manage By Output, Not Input

Flexible attendance can be as simple as allowing a few half days or a work from home day at the end of a big project. Sometimes getting to sleep-in, or work in your pajamas with the cat on your lap helps you to reset your state after weeks of working late or high pressure situations. Perhaps some of your team are suited to working from home on a regular basis or could start their day earlier or later based on their travel and home life needs? Do you have roles within your company that are suited to job sharing or that could perhaps be part time? Many of these things will also create access to the workplace for those who cannot manage a rigid schedule.

It is easy to worry that by liberally allowing for days off and flexible schedules people will take advantage. My experience is that these people are a minority, and usually such behavior points to a wider lack of fit with their role. There are more people for whom disability or ill health requires flexibility on hours and attendance. By protecting those people we’ll see a larger return on performance than if we focus on cracking down on the odd truant. I had this argument in full recently when I posted on Linked In outrage at my children getting certificates for 100% attendance at school – simply by luck of having no ill health or disability. 65 comments! Encouraging presenteeism in schools will not teach the next generation about healthy work.

My neurodiverse employees frequently say to me that they couldn’t stay at work if it wasn’t for the flexible hours policy. A word of warning though – make sure everyone can do delayed send on emails, so that in those flexible hours we don’t bombard each other at opposite ends of the day!

Issues with noise, lighting, temperature etc. can be a disturbance for everyone. Consider having to spend your whole working week with an intense headache, or pay attention in a meeting while something is making a loud repetitive noise in the background. Tolerating a difficult environment uses up your patience and emotional energy making it harder to work at your best and leading to stress and exhaustion – more so with neurominorities who typically have some sort of sensory sensitivity. Avoiding sensory overwhelm reduces the need to take time off to recover.

Cancel Corporate Commando Culture

Feeling like you can get all of your work done to a high standard within your scheduled hours may sound like a dream but consider, this is actually how you demonstrate competence at your role. Only being able to deliver the job by working 70 hours a week may be indicator of being in over your head, not your commitment! A short term bump due to staff changes or gnarly project, sure, but day in day out and we have a problem with resources, role design or person fit – it’s an early indicator of a crisis looming. Mindfulness classes won’t make up for skills gaps or inadequate headcount in your team.

Sometimes Overwork Is Necessary, But Recovery Is Possible

I had a serious episode of burnout in 2018 and 2019 after finishing my PhD thesis, whilst running a company, filming The Employables for A&E and parenting preteens – no surprise! Unlike Antonio Horta-Osoria I didn’t take any additional time off to recover, which was only possible because of positive company culture and having a restful home environment.

Everyone in my company has six weeks paid leave per year and flexible hours options. I worked to my own schedule and none of my colleagues complained, they supported me to rest and expressed praise when I said I was leaving early to take time to cook for the family. We have a dog in Head Office now who encourages us to take little walking breaks away from our desks. She is adorable!

I also took some serious downtime at home. My kids didn’t complain when I spent our family holiday decoupling my energy levels from caffeine and just lay in the sun with a book. I felt so guilty that I cried one day because I was too tired to go for a walk! It took about 10 months for me to recover to normal levels of engagement and enthusiasm. I realize with humility that if my children had been younger or if anyone in the family had additional needs I would have needed to take time off work.

As I started to recover, I DID indulge in yoga, got back to running and drank healthy juices but those things wouldn’t have prevented the overwork. In fact, I got to the point where being told to try mindfulness was actually like red rag to a bull – it felt like being told to calm down! And as the meme goes, “never in the history of calming down has anyone who has been told to calm down actually calmed down.” It was patronizing.

I’m not sorry I hit those achievements. I’m proud of my PhD which I passed with no corrections. The Employables was an amazing docuseries. Growing my business has helped thousands of people achieve their potential. I like working in peaks and troughs. But in my renewed vigor after a prolonged period of demand I am much more mindful of pace and much more vocal about role modelling downtime ongoing. I hope I am a better boss for the experience and that I am creating a more efficient environment for my staff. A business that is only operating because people are continually working frenetic hours is not a sustainable business at all.

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[anundefinedwoman]

Chasing Guilt Away

Guilt - n. 1. the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime. "it is the duty of the prosecution to prove the prisoner's guilt"

synonyms: culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness, wrongdoing, wrong, wrongfulness, criminality, unlawfulness, misconduct, sin, sinfulness

2. a feeling of having done wrong or failing in an obligation.  "he remembered with sudden guilt the letter from his other that he had not read" synonyms: self-reproach, self-accusation, self-condemnation, feelings of guilt, guiltiness, a guilty conscience, a bad conscience, pangs of conscience, remorse, regret, contrition, repentance, shame, disgrace, dishonor "eat your food and enjoy it without guilt"

I'm not sure what it says that I'm moving from love to guilt in my free association writing. They are stark contrasts of one another.  In love, I didn't know it.  It seemed out of reach.  Or maybe it seemed skewed.  I still remember the first part of a poem I wrote when I was 15/16:

What is love? How does it feel? Is it good? Is it real?

Where do you get it? How much does it cost? I need some desperately- Before I get lost.

But guilt was never something I was ever lacking.  I'm not sure if that's taught or just innate.  I find myself at this point 2 hours before my appointment with my therapist and I should be a lot further than I am now.  I am not a procrastinator by nature.  In fact, procrastinators annoy me.  I live in a house full of them.  I haven't had any awareness that I am consciously trying to avoid doing this.  It just seems to happen that way.  I have nothing to show this week and I even missed last week because my oldest son was sick.  Then I had days I didn't feel well.  Then my ancestry/DNA kit came back that I had been waiting 8-10 weeks for.  Excuses, you know?

I feel guilty for this, yes.  I probably should feel guiltier, but I don't.

Guilt is a funny thing.  It's a form of manipulation or gaslighting our "loved" ones or friends put upon us when we are helpless.  That seed of doubt.  The mistrust of yourself; making you feel selfish, ungrateful, or foolish for wanting something extra just as an example.

And then you know what happens? The treatment done by others, becomes a learned response that you begin doing to yourself.  I was told how ungrateful I was being during my childhood, I should basically just shut up, take the neglect, emotional and physical abuse and even be happy that I had the roof over my head and got new school clothes.

Those of us brought up in environments like this are conditioned to be co-dependents.  

The way I see it, we can either push everyone away and hold them at arms distance because our lack of trust in others (another byproduct of our environment) or fix the broken we see in everyone else.  Maybe it's easier than addressing what needs to be fixed in ourselves.

 It's interesting, isn't it?  I feel I am getting off my topic of guilt, but I am just going to go with my train of thought here.  See where this leads me.  Perhaps I can tie it back to guilt.  After all, I have always said there have been two thing my life has always been ruled by.  But always first by someone else.  Guilt being one.

But I wonder... Are you co-dependent?  Have you ever struggled with it?  Perhaps you are a "recovering" co-dependent.  that term makes me chuckle a little.  Perhaps you have or feel you have a hybrid form of co-dependency, (because we are weird and sometimes it's just hard to define us & feel like we are understood).

I did not grow up around addiction per se.  I grew up around self righteousness, selfish, angry assholes who neglected their responsibilities of parenthood onto others. I grew up around extreme dysfunction where I was controlled into submission and even jealousy by an imaginary granddaughter name "Debbie H****" who was as mysterious, good and as invisible as Santa Claus.  They used her to manipulate the little child in me.  Soon other family members would tease me about her.  They talked about her as if she were real.  I remember when I moved to England as a preteen, my grandfather wrote me once (and it was so special getting a letter from him) where he spoke about her in the letter. Sometimes I feel like there is this access of evil that runs through my family with all that has occurred to me, my mother and my aunt.  But the part of me that loves my grandparents ferociously wants to defend that they had no idea what they were doing; the damage this could have caused.  Could it?

I lay in bed at night sometimes and I think about perhaps something I said, or didn't say, or how a situation was handled and I persevere on the subject and how it may impact my children especially.  But I do this with everyone.  This is where guilt gets me.  I just want to make people happy.  Even if it means I'm not.  

The last few years I have gotten much better with this, but this has been my downfall.  I put others needs before my own.  Their worth, their needs take priority over mine.  Another learned behavior.  I've always had to.  Growing up my voice never counted.  My feeling never counted.  I guess I learned to push it down.  There were times when I would show emotion and was told I wasn't allowed to cry or feel sad or angry about something.  But I AM an emotional person.  I honestly don't know how I survived my childhood and teen years being so neglected and emotionally and physically abused.  I begin to detach and I ponder upon this.  I fiddle with my lip.  I stare off at the area rug in front of me in the distance and it becomes a blur and soft sounds of Pandora radio with cars passing by with loud sounds of birds chirping become my focus, but I am not there.  I have awareness.  I can come back.  I have control.  It scares me some and I realize this is where I probably should stop and look over the link my therapist gave me last week on what to do on staying in this present and not detaching - I want to push through, however.

It's like those moments when you are trying to concentrate,   i.e. write because maybe you have a deadline and maybe you have ADHD, which I do. (could be an effect of this, but I did take my meds today... huge squirrel moment!!)  As I was saying, perhaps you have ADHD, or are distracted or you are just a deep thinker and you suddenly stop mid-sentence, stare off into space and think about something - deeply, almost trancelike.  You might be 'lost' for a few moments.  Perhaps it may take someone snapping their fingers or tapping you on the shoulder and saying, "Ground Control to Major Tom" (if your name was Major Tom).  Talk about HUGE squirrel moment.  I am not sure why I felt the need to go off on a tangent describing all of this in such great lengths when my focus should be on guilt.  

I saw something the other day on Facebook in the form of a quote meme that bothered me a little.  I know a lot of people will agree with it.  It said:

"You're responsible for how long you let what hurt you, haunt you."

Obviously the person who wrote this has never faced complex trauma.  They obviously don't understand it.  We didn't ask for any of this.  None of this has been our choice.  If we are in therapy seeking help, that is our choice.  But do you know how many times I have been in therapy?  I had reached a point where I felt that my only alternatives were a life of unhappiness which I couldn't bear to live, or death.  I felt beyond broken.  And I have only to this point talked about small pieces of my childhood which is already so fragmented because of my memory or a  self preservation mechanism.  Because I have tried therapy so many times in the past and cannot get passed my past, it is hard not to feel hopeless and dejected.  I don't want to play the victim card, because all of us who have been through what we have are survivors, not victims.  Seeing the above quote written by some person with no understanding only makes those who have tried and tried again and again feel guilty, like it is their fault.  

I recognize a pattern within myself.  I have created this illustration to describe the pattern.

With guilt comes obligation, doesn't it?  To fulfill promises you made to others, even if you don't want to go along anymore.  Vagueness suits me here.  It could be anything.  You choose.

Moms especially (or any parent) know a thing or two about guilt.  We have to juggle so much.  We willingly and gladly put their needs before our own.  But when they start growing up and it's time to start with self-care, going out, an occasional splurge on self, talk about guilt!!!  I have such buyers remorse when I have spent anything on myself.  Guilt and worth go hand in hand for me.  I returned my birthday present this year.  I actually return many of my gifts.  I feel guilty for accepting them.  Like I am unworthy of them.  Especially if someone is giving it to me.  If I go out and buy myself a new pair of earrings or shirt, it’s less guilt inducing for me.  Weird, huh?  I might have to put some thought into that.

Like I have discussed with my therapist, what I know intellectually and in my heart, or viscerally, are two separate matters.  I have enough insight or common sense to know I shouldn't feel guilt over X, yet deep down no matter what I know or tell myself, I still feel guilty, or unworthy.  Is this a case of "the heart feels what the heart feels?"  Or is this conditioning mixed in with good insight or mixed in with results of therapy that knows it on a level that I believe but I just can't stop feeling?  Where does that line get drawn?  The line between belief and feeling?

I think I am babbling now and I am going nowhere productive with my thoughts. I feel there is so much left unsaid.  In fact I know there is.  My thoughts feel muddled.  It's as if when I'm sitting here in my chair writing, I can almost picture an Indy 500 race car shooting out from my brain like some kind of Peter Gabriel video going in dozen of different directions almost simultaneously with contrails following them.  Maybe some things are better left unsaid, huh?

For now guilt shall march on...

[rationalsanskar]

When Mindfulness Is Gaslighting: For Preventing Burnout, Company Culture Is The Key

Antonio Horta-Osorio, chief executive officer of Lloyds Banking Group Plc, looks on during a panel … [+] session at the World Economic Forum (WEF) in Davos, Switzerland, on Thursday, Jan. 19, 2017. World leaders, influential executives, bankers and policy makers attend the 47th annual meeting of the World Economic Forum in Davos from Jan. 17 – 20. Photographer: Jason Alden/Bloomberg

Lloyds boss Antonio Horta-Osorio has been speaking out about mental health issues this week. Having taken time off for stress himself, he has brought a new perspective to Lloyds, demonstrating to other large companies that compassion and empathy might be a more successful strategy than replacing staff who need to recover.

Burnout is a huge problem in the modern day workforce and it disproportionately affects neurominorities. However, it is simply not possible for us all to take a week to recuperate in a lovely spa by the sea when this happens, neither can we fix all of our mental health problems with mindfulness and juice cleanses. I find myself somewhat annoyed at well-being programs that add things to my to-do list in order for me to manage my stress! 10 mins of sitting and staring at waves isn’t going to suddenly make me more efficient or replace the missing colleague whose work I’ve picked up. Individual solutions to structural problems is gaslighting – we find ourselves feeling at fault for not being able to cope. Finding a sustainable work pattern and proper resourcing is the real pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, not fads and panaceas. Employers can encourage this with HR policy and culture.

Manage By Output, Not Input

Flexible attendance can be as simple as allowing a few half days or a work from home day at the end of a big project. Sometimes getting to sleep-in, or work in your pajamas with the cat on your lap helps you to reset your state after weeks of working late or high pressure situations. Perhaps some of your team are suited to working from home on a regular basis or could start their day earlier or later based on their travel and home life needs? Do you have roles within your company that are suited to job sharing or that could perhaps be part time? Many of these things will also create access to the workplace for those who cannot manage a rigid schedule.

It is easy to worry that by liberally allowing for days off and flexible schedules people will take advantage. My experience is that these people are a minority, and usually such behavior points to a wider lack of fit with their role. There are more people for whom disability or ill health requires flexibility on hours and attendance. By protecting those people we’ll see a larger return on performance than if we focus on cracking down on the odd truant. I had this argument in full recently when I posted on Linked In outrage at my children getting certificates for 100% attendance at school – simply by luck of having no ill health or disability. 65 comments! Encouraging presenteeism in schools will not teach the next generation about healthy work.

My neurodiverse employees frequently say to me that they couldn’t stay at work if it wasn’t for the flexible hours policy. A word of warning though – make sure everyone can do delayed send on emails, so that in those flexible hours we don’t bombard each other at opposite ends of the day!

Issues with noise, lighting, temperature etc. can be a disturbance for everyone. Consider having to spend your whole working week with an intense headache, or pay attention in a meeting while something is making a loud repetitive noise in the background. Tolerating a difficult environment uses up your patience and emotional energy making it harder to work at your best and leading to stress and exhaustion – more so with neurominorities who typically have some sort of sensory sensitivity. Avoiding sensory overwhelm reduces the need to take time off to recover.

Cancel Corporate Commando Culture

Feeling like you can get all of your work done to a high standard within your scheduled hours may sound like a dream but consider, this is actually how you demonstrate competence at your role. Only being able to deliver the job by working 70 hours a week may be indicator of being in over your head, not your commitment! A short term bump due to staff changes or gnarly project, sure, but day in day out and we have a problem with resources, role design or person fit – it’s an early indicator of a crisis looming. Mindfulness classes won’t make up for skills gaps or inadequate headcount in your team.

Sometimes Overwork Is Necessary, But Recovery Is Possible

I had a serious episode of burnout in 2018 and 2019 after finishing my PhD thesis, whilst running a company, filming The Employables for A&E and parenting preteens – no surprise! Unlike Antonio Horta-Osoria I didn’t take any additional time off to recover, which was only possible because of positive company culture and having a restful home environment.

Everyone in my company has six weeks paid leave per year and flexible hours options. I worked to my own schedule and none of my colleagues complained, they supported me to rest and expressed praise when I said I was leaving early to take time to cook for the family. We have a dog in Head Office now who encourages us to take little walking breaks away from our desks. She is adorable!

I also took some serious downtime at home. My kids didn’t complain when I spent our family holiday decoupling my energy levels from caffeine and just lay in the sun with a book. I felt so guilty that I cried one day because I was too tired to go for a walk! It took about 10 months for me to recover to normal levels of engagement and enthusiasm. I realize with humility that if my children had been younger or if anyone in the family had additional needs I would have needed to take time off work.

As I started to recover, I DID indulge in yoga, got back to running and drank healthy juices but those things wouldn’t have prevented the overwork. In fact, I got to the point where being told to try mindfulness was actually like red rag to a bull – it felt like being told to calm down! And as the meme goes, “never in the history of calming down has anyone who has been told to calm down actually calmed down.” It was patronizing.

I’m not sorry I hit those achievements. I’m proud of my PhD which I passed with no corrections. The Employables was an amazing docuseries. Growing my business has helped thousands of people achieve their potential. I like working in peaks and troughs. But in my renewed vigor after a prolonged period of demand I am much more mindful of pace and much more vocal about role modelling downtime ongoing. I hope I am a better boss for the experience and that I am creating a more efficient environment for my staff. A business that is only operating because people are continually working frenetic hours is not a sustainable business at all.

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