#or mental disabilities and knowing when to cut them out for everyone else's health but ALSO being aware this may lead to public tantrums.

[cervidaedalus]

Had the sporadic idea this morning to create a Discord for disabled FFxiv players (I don't know if one exists already but I haven't seen it promoted). Some ideas and thoughts below the cut:

Overall I would want it to be a community that removes the stigma that you can't play these games if you have a limiting physical disability, or that you can't be accepted in a social group if you have certain mental health conditions. I knew an Ele Shaman in WoW who raided with mild palsy, and some of our raid group was bitter she was holding us back. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't do endgame content because they might not be able to do end game content because they have a much different skill cap. I knew a Nelf Hunter who was blind (could see, but very, very poorly) who had a friend as his "seeing eye Gnome" in voice comms helping lead him places. I don't want anyone to feel like they're alone and can't enjoy something because their limitations provide a significant block. This can include people who suffer from fatigue, ADHD, or brain fog for any reason and can't focus or have the energy to utilize their full Job skillset or boss mechanics. This can include people with severe anxiety that makes them worry about doing group content. If it routinely hinders your ability to play and fully enjoy the game as an abled person would, the server would be for you.

Content: The usual chat, entertainment, and art channels, but also channels for disability aids, guides, and advice (both game and real life) like how to use that Xbox modular controller thing on PC and Playstation. A category of channels for people to advertise FCs, Linkshells, and Statics either by and for disabled players, or those that have leadership who are properly educated and accepting. Basically anywhere disabled players can go to enjoy the game without feeling judged or ostracized. A category for content runs with other disabled players from across datacenters, like maps, deep dungeons, etc. If people want to create their own disability-friendly statics they can use the other channel, because statics can become their own individual thing and I don't want any bad things that may happen to become the server's responsibility. A venting channel in order to keep the space from becoming Depression Central. A lot of disability communities I've been in seem to sway towards venting about treatment from doctors or the general public, or how the conditions impact your life and relationships. I don't want this server to become just that, but these frustrations are valid and shouldn't be shut out, so instead they'll have a containment space. Likewise, a channel for people to share positive experiences. Maybe you finally got that diagnosis you were looking for, maybe someone in a random dungeon was super cool even when you were struggling. Category for other MMOs so people can find guilds and groups in those as well, I just don't want the server to be a broad disabled MMO server since that means potentially thousands of members, and from entirely different social communities. Moderation: Obviously all the usual "no bigotry" rules will apply. There is significant overlap of disability and queer community, for example, as well as mental health disabilities from other marginalized ethnic or religious groups put through political or generational trauma. I'd like to build a relaxed moderation team- no one with a history of any recent public or game drama. I'd like to build a team that spreads across the entire spectrum of representation not just in disabilities themselves, but culture. This isn't purely about representation, but also having someone to turn to for knowledge on any issues of an ethnic, religious, or queer culture as they pertain to disability. Absolutely no gatekeeping, no negative or "ableist" speech putting down any disabilities or purporting someone "isn't disabled enough" or "such and such isn't a disability". The next stuff will largely revolve around moderation for mental health conditions but- This will include vilified conditions and those that can cause unintended social conflict, like ASDs, cluster B's, bipolar. All moderators need to be on the same page with not assuming the worst from someone who might slip up. Helping lead a large FC has taught me how to give people chances and work with them over social abrasions due to disabilities and mental health, but that there is a hard limit. In case of any crisis or severe meltdowns, server mutes will be utilized via a special role which will hide or lock all channels except one with the moderation team to allow the person place to speak and cool off, and for the team to determine if the person is unfit for the server or just needed some time (repeat occurrences of this may necessitate a ban). People who continue to cause problems after being spoken to and excuse it with their disability will need to be removed. Have a plan in place if this leads to public lambasting on Twitter or otherwise. We absolutely will not engage with counter callouts, simply ignore most cases and maintain our overall MO of creating and maintaining a health and safe space for disabled players, which inevitably may not be for everyone.

We will allow ban appeals, to give people who pursue treatment and improvement the chance to come back after a minimum of 6 months to a year depending on severity.

[squishy-lombax]

I got bit by the Scooby-Doo bug and really wanted to make my own AU, which I'm calling "Groovy Scooby." I grew up watching Scooby-Doo and it's always been a big part of my life. Seeing other people make their own redesigns and AUs really got my gears turning. This took forever to make and I still need to work on the dogs and the Mystery Machine. I decided to go ahead and post the human characters at least, though.

Here's some fun facts from my AU:

Shaggy * Hates his hair cut due to a past traumatic experience. At this point, only Daphne is allowed to help tame his mop of hair. * Was diagnosed with diabetes as a child. He manages it well with a pump and service dog. *Into recreational drugs like marijuana to help ease his issues with anxiety. Overall a big advocate for mental health and hidden disabilities. *Believes gender is more of a construct and doesn't think clothing should be gatekept. Isn't shy to wear women's clothes. * Doesn't have a good relationship with his parents due to them sending him to boot-camp in order to "fix" him his gay tendencies years ago. * Knows how to operate most guns and even own ones the rest of the gang doesn't know about. However, he hopes never to use it because he's ironically anti-gun.

Daphne * Bimbo with a brain. Enjoys acting dumb for the attention but is very aware she looks good and knows how to use it to her advantage. * Makes money with her side-hustle of vlogging their van-life and making videos about true-crime. * Enjoys childish things like plushies and games, being a firm believer in the "cringe culture is dead" mentality. One of her favorite things to do is bring up Just Dance on Youtube and force the rest of the gang to dance with her. * Has been taking jiu jitsu since she was little but tends to forget it if panicked. Overall, very much enjoys fitness including jogging, yoga, and yeti tumbler collecting. * Generally goes with the flow, letting the gang make most decisions related to plans and activities. However, if she really wants something, she always gets her way. * Loves horror/thriller/slasher media, with her favorite being the classic Scream. Poor Shaggy cannot be in the same room when she's watching horror movies.

Velma * Loves to paint and draw. Overall a big arts and crafts hoe. * Refuses to shave. Will never apologize to insecure men. * The only one in the gang who graduated collage, which is in social sciences and history. Everyone else is a drop-out. * She is farsighted but usually wears her glasses all the time because she genuinely thinks she looks cute in them (she is correct) * Grew up as a token "tomboy" and now that she is an adult, she's really embarrassed by her inability to wear heels or apply makeup. However, Daphne is more then willing to help her out without making her feel dumb about it. * A terrible liar but great at asking inappropriate questions. Generally socially awkward.

Fred * Grew up in a conservative Christian household but after befriending the gang and having his world-view expanded, he no longer identifies with the religion. * Only one in the gang who genuinely loves sports. The gang tries to share his interests by going to games with him, but they don't share his enthusiasm. * His autistic superpower is knowing how to repair basically anything that's broken. However, cars is his specialty. * He's the token straight-ally character in a LGBTQ piece of media, but goddamn he's on thin-ice. * The most emotionally sensitive in the gang and not afraid to cry in public. However, the things he cries about could be something as simple as a very adorable cat photo he saw online. * He's emotionally very dependent on the gang and reverts into an NPC if separated from them. He feels very thankful he doesn't have to mask around his friends.

[13thdoctorposts]

Because of all the recent asks about the current series I thought I'd send one about 13 to give you a break. So, in 13's era what are your favourite episodes and what themes or ideas did you find particularly compelling? Just feel free to gush essentially.

lol, I appreciate all asks but I do love to gush about 13 era so let’s do it.

I think many of us love Doctor Who for the theme of found family. What I liked about the 13 era is it shows found family in different ways.

You have Ryan and Graham. With Grace gone and Ryan being 19, they could both choose now to go their separate ways. But they don’t. By joining Yaz and the Doctor, they fix their relationship and become as close as any grandfather and grandson. Joining Yaz and the Doctor helps this, as the four of them become fam. It’s not about blood but actions.

Yaz comes from a stable, loving family. It's not broken. She and her sister clearly rib each other a bit, but they also have a caring relationship. But, what Yaz lacks is making her life have more meaning. By joining the boys and the doctor, she finds people to do that with. They are people she would risk her life for.

The Doctor has no one. She has just lost everyone and is still devastated by the loss of Bill. She has regenerated and is truly alone. But, she falls into the middle of these people’s lives. And while she has something to offer them, all of Time and Space they have something to offer her: companionship. She doesn’t have to be alone. She can see things again with new and excited eyes. Though she tries to keep her shadows hidden from her fam, they are also the rock that keeps her moving forward.

I think the era has many strong arcs. Graham and Ryan get through grief and choose each other. Ryan's relationship with his Dad. Ryan finds confidence in himself and is not let down by his disability. In the end, confidence and friendship on earth lead him to be ready to take on the world on his terms and help his planet. Also, Graham gets his grandson and gets through his grief of Grace, and is able to continue honouring her by looking after Ryan.

We have 13 with all her issues, particularly identity and letting people in. While she deals with her identity, her time is cut a little too short to fully deal with opening up. But, she does open up to Yaz about her feelings for her. I think that’s very vulnerable for this Doctor. And it's far more important for Yaz than knowing the Doctor's past.

Yaz we have mental health and confidence. We have her coming out and Thasmin. But, my favorite arc for the era is Yaz’s Doctorfication. It's really the end of all her arcs and time with the Doctor.

If we think of the kid we meet in TWWFTE she wants to be doing more to help, but she also wants to stick to the rules. She ultimately lacks confidence. She follows the Doctor (which is good for the story) because she doesn't have all the answers and doesn't want to sound crazy to her superiors. Theres a bit about worrying about how she'll be taken here. But, she was also willing to try to stand up to the Doctor. This showed the Doctor her leadership potential, even though she wasn’t there yet. And in a lot of stories she was essentially the 2IC of the team it wasn’t Ryan, Graham or Dan. And that 'flat team structure' was often more aspirational than anything else, lol. At the end of series 11, we know she’s had issues with depression. But, she’s also ready to follow the Doctor no matter what happens. So, even if she dies. 

In series 12, we dive deeper into the mental health. We see the way she reacts in Spyfall when she thinks she’s died. We see her story in Can You Hear Me. Through the season we see her step up and go off in her own, especially in Praxeus and TTC. Graham’s asking who’s going to go through first the force field to Gallifrey first. But, he hasn’t finished his sentence and she’s already walking through. She’s now the one telling people it’s dangerous and they don’t have to come. And we also start seeing those hints of her falling for the Doctor thought the series.

Then, in Revolution, we see her in what looks like a possible men brake or some sort of manic state that lasted 10 months. She slept in a sleeping bag on the floor trying to find the Doctor. When the most logical conclusion is that the Doctor is dead. Losing the Doctor breaks her. So, we see her mental health issues return. We also see how much she cares for the Doctor. The Doctor's friends have moved on, but Yaz clearly loves her and can't. This is after a season of watching her step up more. It's like a great mix of Yaz stepping up to find the Doctor. But, it's fruitless. And, it's also going backwards mentally at the loss. It's really quite interesting to watch the positives and negatives come together. Yaz might be having a mental break. But, she also has enough confidence to think she can still find the Doctor. 

Then we get to Flux and the specials. We open with married couple Thasmin bickering. It's my favorite scene of the whole show. But now we have a Yaz who isn't just letting the Doctor push her away. She's calling the Doctor out while also adventuring by her side. It's the most equal we have seen them. It's probably the most equal a Doctor and regular companion can be, one that's human. If you look at Series 11 Yaz and Flux Yaz we really have gone from a kid to a grown woman. She calls things out and speaks her mind. But, she also does good and helps the universe. In ways TWWFTE yaz could have only dreamed. We start to see more obvious signs of Thasmin and Yaz's feelings. This happens as she leads her own team through the early 1900s. She is now essentally the Doctor of this team. Then we have the specials. She has to confront her feelings. In LotSD, 13 confesses her feelings but says they can't be together. We see Yaz's confidence now ask why, not just accept the Doctor words. Then we get to the beach. It's pure heartbreak. There, we see a mature woman. She knows their feelings are real but they are doomed. Loving the Doctor is always doomed. and Yaz loves her enough to leave it.

Then in The Power of the Doctor, we see peak Yaz. She flies the TARDIS and catches Ace jumping off a building. She takes on the Master and saves 13 many times. She gets everyone home safe, just like 13 would do. We see her lose the woman she loves but in that episode we see her Doctorfication arc complete. But it's a healthy one. She has taken the best parts of the Doctor with her. She isn't burdened by the morally grey aspects. So she is as much the Doctor as a Human can be. She is the true successor of 13 to me. She was The Doctor's best student. She left the TARDIS without being morally compromised and with all the best lessons from 13.

You said to gush... probably didnt think it would be this much. lol

I'm terrible at picking fav eps so I'll do top 3 for each series... this is always subject to change. lol

S11 The Woman Who Fell to Earth, Demons of the Punjab, It Takes You Away

S12 Fugitive of the Jadoon, The Haunting of Villa Diodati, The Timeless Children

S13: Flux War of the Sontarians, Village of the Angels, Survivors of the Flux

Speicals: All of them 

[thenightfolknetwork]

Due to a combination of bad genes and bad luck, I suffer from various physical and mental difficulties and pains. Technically I count as disabled, but the term has never felt right for me; it doesn't FEEL like the problem is in my body and brain, even though I know it is, it feels more like the world rearranges itself to be just a bit harder for me than for other people. This isn't something I've talked about much, it's always seemed like it would be horribly rude, plus I have more important issues to work on with my therapist than "how much a particular word does or does not match how I parse my subjective experience".

Then I came across an expression, and for the first time, something felt like it fit. "Cursed by a wizard". It's not that I lose energy quickly, it's that I've been cursed with fatigue; to give one example. I know it's not literally true. Even aside from my diagnoses and symptoms and treatments, a year or so back I got screened as part of a workplace health and safety initiative, and no curses. Still, it's not like the language we use is literally true all of the time; expressions exist for a reason.

You know how it is, whenever you find something cool and new, you want to share it with everyone. Nobody else cared as much as I did, of course, but general reactions were polite, "I'm glad you've found something that works for you". Except for one person, who immediately got a Look on her face -- the kind you get when a foreigner says a word they don't know is a slur over here, or when someone bad-mouths a person they don't realize is nearby -- and changed the subject.

I'm not going to change how I think about myself. "Cursed by a wizard" is a useful mental framework. However, my question is whether it should stay solely within my own mind. I'm worried now that it might be insensitive to people who've actually been cursed, or to wizards.

Thank you for getting in touch, reader. I have one small point to make regarding the start of your letter, particularly regarding the word “disabled”.

To be clear, you are absolutely entitled to your own personal relationship with the term, and I don't mean to suggest that you need to adopt it if you don't feel it reflects your experience. However, I don't agree that “the problem” is in your body and brain. It is, as you say, in the way the world is arranged to make life that much more difficult for you.

A framing I have seen from some disability activists is to speak of themselves as disabled by society, rather than by their condition. They don't consider disability to be a trait in and of itself, but a condition put upon them by an ableist society.

I don't know if this framing is a helpful one for you personally, and as I said, I don't wish to tell you how you “ought” to describe yourself. But I wanted to mention it as a possible alternative way of thinking, in case it proves useful to you.

But that, I know, was not the point of your letter. Unfortunately, reader, I don't have a clear cut answer for you. People who have been cursed are not a uniform group – neither their experiences, nor the way they speak about those experiences, are identical.

The fact is, yes, some people will be offended by your use of “the wizard's curse” to describe your experiences. Others will find it an expressive, even entertaining way of viewing your situation.

You also run the risk that some people will simply not understand the metaphorical nature of your statement, so please be prepared for those well-meaning folk who hear this and immediately start recommending salt baths and smoke cleanses.

I can reassure you that this is not a term that carries any particular historical reason to avoid its usage – it isn't comparable to such out-dated idioms as referring to public outcry as a “witch hunt” or the use of the phrase “Frankenstein's monster” when speaking of a messy, difficult situation, and implicitly associating reanimation with negativity and failure.

Instead, it is rather like the English language use of the word “slimy” to mean “dishonest” or “morally corrupt”. Certainly some people see the usage as offensive, but it isn't actually rooted in any specific anti-liminal sentiment and those voices are the minority.

In fact, some people argue that it is more offensive to assume “slimy” must somehow be associated with people of viscosity. But I think we are getting rather into the weeds of what is, to be honest, a largely online debate with very little real-world application.

In short, reader, it is up to you how you proceed. You need to decide for yourself whether you're comfortable with the ambiguity of your language and with the diverse ways you may be interpreted.

There are rarely any clear cut answers on the topic of language, and it may be that your feelings on the matter change over time. But the fact remains that only you can decide how best to describe yourself, and only you have the power to make this decision.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[valdrift]

as the end of 2024 has been getting closer ive been both dreading and anticipating the new year and its a feeling tht i really dislike lol (more under cut bc my rambling got way longer than i thought 😦)

like i moved out 2022 and its been amazing for both my mental health and growth as a person since being away from my family gave me the space to figure out what i want to do and how to. idk. live ? got medicated, developed better coping mechanisms, made great friends, etc. i mean im living with my friends rn and theyre like family and i just got licensed to be an lvt and its all great ! but the thing is that my bio family need me and thts probably the root of the issue

cus my family is dirt poor, like living on gov aid, and none of them can work so growing up i was always told how i needed to be successful to take care of them even though i had plenty of rich relatives and i always wondered why none of them bothered to help and decided to put all that responsibility on a kid ?? and i was pretty much raised into being my family's eventual caretaker. from 13-17 i used to be so angry/depressed/resentful about it and hated my family bc it felt like they robbed me of my agency but now, i cant blame them. im not saying they should have done tht to a kid but i understand why. theres a bunch of complicated legal things and other stuff i dont want to get into and my family are either old, disabled, or both and god knows my relatives arent going to help so its up to me yknow ? its why im moving back in with them by 2025 to take care of them. and i love my family, i really do even if i dont tell them bc we dont talk like that and we all know it anyways. my mom is such a strong person despite how everyone looks down on her and i want her to have nice things, i want my family to live in a house that is clean and not falling apart, i want my mom to not have to ever worry about working and to have time for herself bc shes been stuck caring for kids for half her life. i love my family, i want to take care of them, and im angry i never got a choice. family is complicated and i wish it was as easy as just going "i dont want this responsibility" but i know its not

i keep telling myself that this is just how things are supposed to be and im going to spend the rest of my life taking care of them and i thought i accepted it but theres still some small part of me thats reluctant. i know im never going to have a partner or romance bc my family is and always will be my first priority and ig thats sad but i really dont mind. and im not just saying that, like genuinely im fine being single, i dont need companionship and have never felt that loneliness. im just fine with my friends and i dont need anything more, it just kinda sucks i dont get that choice. the whole thing is kinda sad and ive been told as much but these are the cards life dealt me and better me than someone else i guess

truth is im kind of scared, it feels like my life has already peaked and being away from my family has been so freeing but its selfish and damn if i dont want to be selfish for just a little longer. but its hard when i can see my mom getting older and the house getting worse and im angry that this isnt as easy as it should be. this country is awful and the systems in place are cruel and makes life as difficult as possible for people of color, the poor, and disabled. i know i'll get over it and i'll be moving back in and helping them like i promised but i'm only 22. my relatives are acting like i'm wasting my life every second im not helping my family or working towards making 6 figures or whatever and i won't lie it's put doubts in my mind. but im only 22!!!! i dont know. maybe im being dramatic because honestly it could be worse and we're even lucky to have a roof over our heads and to even have a steady source of income no matter how little it is. ive never told anyone the last bit abt being scared and all that, i think its easier to type it than say it, and it also helps i dont have a face to yall and i dont have to look you in the eye. i dont know if ive ever shared this much or anything like this on here either lol. i dont know

tldr; do it scared i guess

[ziracona]

I love that phrasing how Julie has taken Sallie- A much older woman than her- under her wing. Kinda precious not gonna lie. Did they ever see much of Sally when she was the Nurse? Also what does Sally think of Julie? Also the moment in ur fic when Kate comforts Sally was very sweet, which makes me wonder do they have much of a relationship too? How was Sally's adjustment to the 21st century, especially in regards to her fear about her mental health? What was it you diagnosed Sally as?

Yeah haha that’s just how she is. Julie sees life more in power dynamics than tradition to age.

They saw her some. She was one that they tried to copy skills from. They never talked to her though. Sally likes Julie. Sally likes anyone who is nice to her, and she has no reason to dislike her. She thinks she’s odd, but she’s had a lot of odd friends by now. She likes to talk to Julie about realm stuff, because Julie won’t be uncomfortable, and sometimes can guess at killer things better than the survivors. Julie is also very feminine, if in a femme fatale way, and Sally is too, so they enjoy having someone to like, dress shop and go to a salon with.

Kate and Sally are definitely friends. She reads to Sally a lot, and takes her to do outdoorsy stuff, even horseback riding. Care of Sally initially fell to Kate amid the chaos, since everyone else was indisposed, almost dead, or with another priority. That never faded. And Sally thinks Kate is a very charming rural woman with great sense and a good voice. They have plenty of fun.

Sally adjusted pretty well. It in a way helped she was blind, because she never had a like ‘captain America times square’ moment to be forced to see. Things were more gradual, and introduced almost always in a very positive and friendly environment. There’s a lot like video games and cellphones and the internet that she finds very mind boggling and has some difficulty adapting to, but mostly she handles it very well. Having Benedict, from even longer ago, helps her a lot. I think she feels a lot less lost and alone when he asks her to help explain something she’s grasped quicker, as a 19teens woman, than him as an 1860s man.

Her fear about her mental health was strong for the first year, but eased after. She knows the people with legal custody (as gross as that is to say about a grown adult, it is sadly legally /still/ how this country treats the disabled) over her are trusted and going to keep her free, comfortable, cared for, and with them. So proof beats out worry eventually. She’s still anxious around strangers, about her seeming crazy, or out of time, or just being blind, but the others never make her go alone anywhere, so she’s usually protected by a mob of her people.

Diagnostically, I’m not sure there’s a clear cut answer. Hallucinations, paranoia, confusion, dissociative amnesia, etc, are all caused by essentially supernatural mind control and years and years of gaslighting and manipulation and being driven insane. She’s a psychotic, but more specific definitions, though might apply, I’m not sure what they’d be. There’s a lot she deals with, but some is from the Entity’s manipulations, some is the result of physical trauma, as some is the result of PTSD from the things she’s endured, both at it’s hands, and losing her kids. Diagnosis are really just the names for frequently occurring symptom clusters, because grouping makes them often easier to predict and treat. I’d just say in Sally’s case, I haven’t found one (or more) especially useful names for her symptom clusters.

[theoculus124]

Okay since you offered here are some questions I have...

1. What specific challenges do you face and how do you change things about your day to day life to deal with them?

2. How many times have you heard the 'its not that bad' or 'everyones a little ADHD' cause I wanna know how uneducated people are?

3. What help did you get/are you getting in a school/work environment?

I'm wanting to go into...like brain stuff, psychology, mental health and neuro divergency, so your offer of answering questions is really appreciated....

If answer to no. 3 is an unsatisfactory amount, then that will become something I will try my hardest to one day change, so people like yourself can have equal opportunities and a little limitations as possible. x

I struggle with ADHD paralysis, in short form it's when you get so overwhelmed you can't do anything so like for example I feel so overwhelmed in the morning by what I need to do throughout the day I stay in bed for a long period of time. Some people may think that's me being "lazy" or me just wanting to stay in bed like anyone else but the truth is is that I feel like I'm stuck to the bed because of how debilitating and stressful the rest of the day might be for me so I stay stuck. For now normally I don't really have alot of ways for dealing with it, so it just sort of happens and I get perceived as lazy and people will get upset with me and I just sort of take it? There's also RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) which I also struggle with alot, it can be simple things like maybe my friend hasn't texted me for a while or maybe I'm trying to give someone a hug and they push me away cause they're busy or when I was younger I typically only had 1 friend that I would cling to and so when they got other friends I felt like they would hate me and want to cut me off. That manifested in A) alot of self hated B) toxic behaviours like cutting people off randomly because in my head if I do it first they won't be able to do it to me C) crying for hours on end D) avoidance tendencies especially if there's conflict. Again, it's a difficult one to deal with, I've learnt now that cutting people off is obviously a very hurtful thing to do and it can cause alot of pain unnecessarily and the best thing is to communicate to the other people. However I can't say that I still don't struggle with the fact that the little things/body language gets to me and I think really therapy will be my best bet (if I get one) -- that's a long para so I'll stop it there but I hope that helps x

ALL THE DAMN TIME! Even with autism (I have ASD and ADHD) and people will tell me "everyone's on the spectrum" and I think especially cause ADHD traits do overlap with anxiety and depression whenever I'd complain they would be like "it's just anxiety/depression" (obviously that's also downplaying the effects anxiety/depression has on people which is also a huge problem) so yh it's very annoying and such a prevalent message and I hate it so much because it downplays issues ND people face daily and almost seems like an excuse not to give someone help -- Also I can rant about the whole "high functioning" labels but that would take 3 blog posts those labels suck so much

currently for exams I get extra time, rest breaks, and I do my exams in a separate environment so I don't get stressed out by the huge crowd. However, for my day to day help isn't really prevalent and I think that's mainly cause of the fact that despite there being a department at my schl for people with disabilities the staff there aren't trained (not saying they're bad/not nice) so it's a bit extra awkward to try open up about ND struggles and there's limited help they can give us

There's obviously more and my experience is probably alot different to others but I'm so happy that you want to make a change in this field and I really appreciate you asking questions and being interested you're going to be awesome in your career <3

[cryoriku]

hey you know it's really awesome and cool when ur a grown adult and after getting in a fight with ur mother who still insists on disrespecting and mocking you at any chance, ur adoptive father who has only ever been a source of fear since you were very little calls and instead of screaming at you he's very level and is legitimately concerned about my mental state.

some of his takes are still very shitty. even tho i routinely try the pacifist approach with her she can't stop mocking me and disregarding my boundaries and he acknowledges how aggressive she can be, he still puts the burden on me to be better and suck it up for the sake of maintaining a relationship (which is bs. both sides need to work or i shouldnt have to put up with it after all the abuse i dealt with as a child). and he thinks i need to just get back on meds which is such a backwards stereotype way of thinking that isnt accurate bc i stopped my last new meds bc they didnt really do much for me and gave me bad side effects.

it makes me feel like shit and embarassed now for being depressed and like all the efforts i have been making on getting out of my apartment more often and eating healthier and stuff arent being seen and just the worst of me is. it sucks too bc our mental health took a new redive after one of our ex's told us how we seem to not want to get better. which is an insanely fucked up thing to say and not worth listening to so we have tried to just ignore it but it haunts us still along with toxic ex friends whove talked about how pathetic and disgusting we are for being mentally/emotionally weak. which is wrong and bullshit and hirrible and WE HAVE gotten better before we want to be better again we're sick of living in a rollercoaster we want to be ourselves again 100% of the time and not just some of it, but believe it or not it's hard to keep your head above water much less swim to shore when people are constantly shoving you back down and wondering why youre not succeeding in breathing. dont you see how hard I'm trying?

plus with our dad it just gives us a fucked up moral dilemma of ik how estranged and distant his family is like theyre allergic to showing courtesy or affection and he was raised to be a good mannered cowboy and just sit and take when his mother does him wrong because it's family and he doesn't wanna lose it, so the same is true here, but I've already had it in my head for years that at some point i may have to cut ties. I'm just fucking caught. I'm trapped by the good moments we have, the good aspects of my parents and my sister. I'm caught by the fact my dad doesnt have a close family and everybody in my moms family has that same genetic ego that makes everyone think theyre better than everyone else or made them isolate and hide and die from drug overdoses alone in their bathroom. I'm caught by my baby niece who i don't want to leave alone with these people. I'm caught by my dog and grandma, until they pass, anyway. I'm caught by the stupid child in me who still *craves* a mother, *craves* a father, craves this idea of a family i never really had except in blurry photos if you dont look too close.

any fucking ways..... if anybody is able to get a therapist who can actually help me and not waste a year of my time trying to put me on drugs because they dont know how to do shit with systems and trauma to actually email me back, that would be epic.

i also want everyone reading this to stop seeing people as only their struggles or their trauma or their disability and start seeing them as PEOPLE with personalities and likes and interests first. believe it or not we don't think about our trauma or hardship a lot of the fucking time and it's real weird and a total fuckin bummer if thats all you seem to see. so, yeah.

have a happy sexy naughty bitchy sephiroth labor day guys

[cloudofbutterflies]

I have always, always, always had a very strong fight response. My first reaction, both to someone sneaking up on me and to stressful situations in general, is fight. 

I’m also an afab queer trans person who still presents pretty femme, even w/ my binder and baggy clothes, and I’m young, and have always looked at least three years, if not more, younger than I really am. My voice is pretty high pitched because I don’t have the resources for hrt yet, my adhd makes me act in ways a lot of people write off as childish, and I have an anxiety disorder than means I have large, teary, visible panic attacks on a semi-regular basis. 

But also, despite all of my disability and mental health shit, I’m really fucking fit. I love backpacking. I’m super lucky I have the fitness and resources to do it, and I’ll go for five days straight, doing twelve miles a day with a backpack about a third of my weight. It’s a wonder that “back issues” hasn’t been added to my list by now.

 I’m a swimmer, and I took my team to state in my freshman year of high school. I grew up near the ocean, I’ve had a scuba license since I was twelve, ie the legal lower limit if when you can get one, and I surf. I’ve been in the water as much as possible in some form ever since eight-year-old me was recovering from surgery and learning how to walk again and realized that it was easier in the community pool.

 I know a significant amount of ju-jitsu and other basic self-defense and I know how to use the hunting knife I keep on me, and not just for lighting fires and cutting meat. 

I’m a sailor, and I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is for two people to manage a 25-foot-mast sailboat for two weeks straight. 

Exercise has always been a really effective way for me to manage my symptoms. Also, bc I’m queer, and often quite visibly so, on top of looking a lot like, and before that simply being, as far as I knew for the better part of my life, a woman, I’m hypervigilant as hell!

The gist, for my fellow ADHDers and anyone else who skims paragraphs, is that despite not looking it, and despite everyone putting me in the “small, weak, and easy target” box, I am fit and I could probably kick your ass if I really needed to.

I cannot tell you how many times I have told people, hi, I may be small and seem at first glance to be unable to hurt you, but please don’t sneak up on me, as I am more than physically capable of beating you in a fight, but my response to surprise is “fight” and so I will beat you, often without meaning to. 

And then they sneak up on me. And out of an uncontrollable survival instinct wired into my brain that acts way faster than I can think, I lash out without meaning to. And it always hurts, and it sometimes leaves a bruise. And guess who acts like this was unprecedented, that they had no warning, that this was a purposeful attack and I should stop being a buzzkill, really, it’s not normally that bad and I’m targeting them, right???

[briamichellewrites]

43

2007. Bria and Mike were interviewed for the show, ABC News. They did a documentary about her life after the accident. It aired six months later after being edited. They and everyone who knew them watched it. They showed not only their interviews but also her with her friends, being fed with a feeding tube, her zooming around the main floor of her house, her with her cats, and her medical equipment. They all thought the show did a great job of being compassionate about her story.

“I forgave Paris because I did not want what happened to affect me for the rest of my life. But, that is all I can give her. The sentence was not one I would have chosen. I just hope she doesn’t do it again because I don’t want her to hurt or kill anyone else.”

“If she was here, what would you say to her?”

“I don’t know what I would say. Though I’m sure it wouldn’t be kind.”

Paris, Kathy, Richard, and Nicky were among those watching the show. They were horrified to see what she had gone through. She had a bruised heart, a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage, and a broken leg. Along with cuts and bruises. Because of her injuries, she had to undergo brain surgery and open heart surgery. She also had Lou Gehrig’s disease-like symptoms and epilepsy.

She lost the ability to move her limbs and she had to be fed using a feeding tube. Instead of speaking, she had to use a machine. But, they saw her joking with her friends and making them laugh. She talked about wanting to use humor because it was better than being miserable. Mike talked about her month-long stay in the hospital. She exceeded all of their expectations by keeping a positive attitude. Did she ever get angry or frustrated? Oh, yeah.

She cried because she couldn’t do things she used to. Before the accident, she was extremely independent and active. It was hard for her to lose that. She also got frustrated with herself when she had a seizure. They chose not to talk about it. Instead, they moved on and continued with their day. ABC News featured clips to show the difference between how she used to be to how she is now.

“I want people to see me as I am. I don’t want pity because it doesn’t get me anywhere. I would rather be treated like everyone else. My disability doesn’t change who I am. I am not better or worse than anyone else.”

Her interview was very well received by the media. It had been a very difficult year and there were still uncertainties about her health. Even still, she and Mike were taking it one day at a time. Some days were better than others. But, she kept going. She was a role model to the band because if she could do it, then they could do anything.

With advances in technology, she got a new touchscreen monitor. It had an embedded camera that tracked her eye movements. She could spell out words or phrases by blinking whenever she got to the letter she wanted to use. When she was done, she moved her eyes over to the ’send’ button on the screen. The program then read what she wrote out loud. Despite months of physical therapy, her muscles were getting weaker. That included her hands.

She could still move her head and eyes, but the rest of her body was paralyzed. One of the places where she was the happiest was in water. She and her physical therapist did water therapy together. Sometimes Mike joined them in the pool. Her eyes and face lit up in happiness.

She wore a life jacket to prevent her from drowning. The water relaxed her muscles and improved circulation in her body. She also loved bathing for the same reason. The warm water felt wonderful. For modesty, she asked that only her nurses, Mike and Donna bathed her. They didn’t have any problems with that and they respected her request.

It was her body and she had the right to say who could see it. She and Mike were planning on a simple courthouse wedding with his parents and brother. They had an attorney evaluate her and sign off on her mental condition. Yes, she was mentally capable of getting married. They wanted to do it before her condition got worse. While he was on tour, she would be cared for by her nurses. On the weekends, Muto and/or Donna would stay with her to give her nurses time off.

He was anxious about leaving her behind, but she couldn’t come with them. It wouldn’t be safe, especially since she had epilepsy. She would feel horrible if she affected their tour. She assured him saying she would be okay. He kissed her forehead.

“I know. I just have to tell myself that. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She still got the Zoomies after dinner. As much as he was used to it, it still amused him. Tiny and Garfield were getting older. That was difficult for her because they were like her children. Someday, they would die. She would mourn them like a mother mourning her children. He felt attached to the cats. They provided great comfort to them, especially during the more difficult times.

Rascal was calmer and not as mischievous, though he still found ways to get into trouble. Meow! Human, help! He was great entertainment because they never knew what he would do next. Mike had to laugh at the trouble he found himself in. That included getting his nails stuck in the couch cushion while trying to climb up. He was hanging off the edge, so he unhooked him and put him down on the floor. Thank you, human!

Kevin, Kristin, Howie, and A.J. volunteered their time to help out or just spend time with her. Brad did, as well. It gave Mike a chance to run errands, attend therapy sessions, or hang out with friends. Respite. That was what her doctor called it. They had no problems doing it because they loved spending time with her. Sometimes they took her outside for some fresh air.

She liked going around the block. There was so much to see and things to smell. Staying inside all the time wasn’t healthy. Her seizures were consistent. They discovered they were triggered by her being tired. She took a nap in the afternoon after lunch to try to prevent her seizures as much as possible. Her doctor gave her a ketogenic diet to try. Mike found recipes online that would work well with her feeding tube. She still joked about eating baby food.

She had to make fun of something to keep her sanity. He was an expert on getting everything prepared for her and he didn’t have to worry about making a mistake. Sometimes she ate all of it and sometimes she wasn’t that hungry. He stopped when she became full. How could he tell? She told him to stop. Okay. He put the leftovers in the refrigerator until later.

“What do you think, Bria”, Joe asked her.

“Needs more cowbells.”

The band laughed. She and Donna had come to watch them rehearse for their upcoming tour. Brad gave her an extra pair of headphones he used to protect her hearing. It was like a free concert. They were having a blast watching them! Donna was especially proud of her son.

He and Brad went through everything while keeping everything organized. They practiced like they were performing live. During their breaks, they talked and joked around with her. As much as it saddened them to see her condition, they were more than happy to have her there. She lost everything, except her sense of humor and sharp mind. Chester bent over and hugged her. I love you. She loved him, too.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia

[forgottenyear]

[no obvious (to me) triggers]

[long text: <900wds]

Is this a big issue, or is it only a distraction?

--

I withdraw when afraid (as described in the previous post).

I also feel an underlying shame when I create. An underlying shame for existing.

I hate this body because we were made to feel shame for it.

--

There is a memory of the boy staying in the classroom while everyone, including the teacher, went out for recess. The boy drew badges or whatever, cut them out, and taped them to his clothes. As the boy left the classroom to go outside, the teacher caught him by the arm and ruined whatever was taped there, and she yelled at him for wasting supplies and for not going out for recess. Outside, the boy ruined the rest and threw it away, then looked for a safe place to cry.

When we were finally outside, after waiting all night by the door at the slumber party, we threw Angela’s clothes and makeup in a trash can. We burnt with shame but needed to get home before it would be safe to cry.

--

Question: what is remarkable about me?

Answer: I share this body with the other parts.

This is my answer. This is a safe answer.

--

I told everyone at work that I did the job I did, only because nobody else would.

When I would tell people that I worked with people with disabilities, they would usually respond with how kind I was to do this form of charity. I would respond that I got paid by the hour (without mentioning how few hours for which I got paid each week).

I avoided the appearance of investing myself in my work, at least until it could not be hidden. But still, even after.

When the amnesia broke, I watched as everything I once valued about myself was divided among the other parts. But I also felt relieved it was finally gone.

The other parts can be conspicuous, and they can be punished for existing, but I hold nothing of my own, so I have immunity.

--

I feel intense shame for existing. This combines with fear of (more) punishments.

It does not come down to a wish to be male or female, but a wish to have no form of existence that can be sexualized / punished.

We were punished for being sexualized. Again, and again, and again.

We were made to feel shame for what other people thought or did.

We were made to feel fear for how and where we exist.

--

When I am deep in depression, I withdraw. I do not create. I do not think. With every bit of will, I try not to exist. There are many people who work in the mental health system who become angry and threatening when I try not to exist.

Chance occurrences are punishments I should have expected. Not knowing why we were being punished was a punishable offence.

I know it is not rational, but since my kitty died at the end of June, I have dwelled on what I did wrong. I worked on the new machine in the morning – should I have stayed with her?

Everything that happens to me is my fault. It is a punishment, and I am obligated to identify the cause.

I spend hours or days or longer, dissecting every conflict, to see where I was in the wrong. To see where my existence warranted punishment. So I will have an answer when I am expected to say why I am being punished.

--

Even my relationship with my partner is about my partner’s existence. I do not leave because they would struggle to exist without me.

And,

I do not leave because then I would need to have a self-justifying existence.

--

Add to this that “I” was our most successful part. That my existence has been one of avoiding existing as much as possible, and I thrived.

That we were rewarded for avoiding existence. Or we were not as punished (but that has the same value as reward).

--

Add to this Angela’s short existence in the outer world.

--

I have wanted final fusion. The form I wanted was similar to my perception of the last fusion, in which those who preceded fusion blinked out of existence.

And even when I accepted that this is not how fusion ordinarily works, I have wanted something I have worked against. I have refused the other parts because they actively exist(ed).

--

So what am I?

I am nothing, but still too much something to feel safe. To feel I have accomplished my purpose.

Because our purpose, to the parents, was to stop existing.

To stop reminding the parents that they were imperfect. That they were, in fact, wrong.

But we were supposed to stop existing in a way for which the parents would not be blamed.

Imagine their disappointment when we were released from the hospitals.

--

I have no close for this post. I try to close it, but there will always be more to say.

[deepspaceclawstation]

Personal trauma dump under the cut

Content warning for homophobia, effemiphobia, bullying, fatphobia, depression, ableism, and blanket warning for possibly heavy mental health topics

Uhh also for oversharing I suppose. Feel free to skip, it's just a self-serving rambling you won't be missing on much

I recently got invited to the wedding of one of my former batchmates, someone you could say was part of my closest friend circle in uni, and I have been of two minds about attending. Thinking about those people in that setting has led to some retrospection about the kind of person I was at that time. I am... not proud of that person to say the least.

While I was never really close to this particular person (they are more of a friend of a friend), I need to be clear that I really really loved and still love my friends. I think of them as my siblings (except one but I'm not talking about them here). I forgive them stuff I won't forgive anyone else for, accept them with all their follies, wish them nothing but happiness.

And yet. I kind of dread meeting these people again. That (along with the travel) has been one of the main reasons I'm thinking of declining. I can't face these people. I love them but I can't look them in the eye anymore. I don't want to. Because unwittingly or not, these people have hurt me. And they have hurt others like me, this one very much deliberately.

I have always been a person with attributes that have led to me being one of the 'bullied' rather than a 'bully', provided the assumption that you can treat these as mutually exclusive groups (hence the quotes). This kind of stopped sometime in 3rd grade which was when I got ill and the entire school knew about me as the sick kid with the weird-looking brace. Kids are cruel, yes, but they are also socially conscious. No one wants to be the asshole who picks on the openly disabled (at that time) kid, because doing so will get them labelled as a bully, and it's fine to be a bully but getting labelled as such is a social death sentence. Everyone knows that, even the kids (getting cancelled is not a new phenomenon). The same logic followed me to college even though these new people didn't know my medical history. I have that something which makes people hesitate before picking on me, a kind of social disadvantage that is so obvious that anyone taking advantage of it is seen as repugnant by others. An armour of sorts.

These people, my friends, they never picked on me. And they never 'bullied' bullied anyone. They didn't make someone's life miserable or difficult, not by themselves. They just fed into the already present stigma. One person who was IN the group with us they teasingly fat-shamed. Not in a mean way, always couched in concern about their health, they did it almost lovingly. Even the jibes were wrapped in 'we are not laughing AT you, we are laughing WITH you'. Just good-natured teasing. And if it did get overbearing at times, the tone just a breadth away from a sneer? Well, someone has to practice 'tough love'! We just have been Concerned, that's all! I am fat too, much more than the person they teased (bullied). But their fatphobic comments were never aimed towards me. I didn't think much about it, deliberately so, because if I thought about it I would realise what I am being a bystander to. I was a good little sheep who just tried to change the subject, or let out a few half-hearted 'hey! don't bother them!', or sometimes just... kept quiet. Not a peep out of me. Absolute mum. You want to know what the worst part is? I don't that person even blames me. Or even them. They most probably internalised that shit. I lost touch with them years ago but I got a status update recently that they have not been doing well mental health-wise. They aren't coming to the wedding.

That's not the only person I've wronged. One of my classmates was (when I knew him) an openly effeminate queer guy but he wasn't 'out' out yet. Everyone knew, of course. He called me a friend but I never treated him as such. He was annoying, there's no doubt about it. He used to cling to me as I was openly a part of the queer club (as an ally of course). He used to cling to me and skip class and ask me for notes and never took a hint. My 'friends' (the close friend circle he was NOT a part of) didn't like him but they were always friendly, always cordial, always polite. When we talked about him in his absence they never mocked him, they were just amused by his antics. They rolled their eyes and gave each other long-suffering smiles. I did too. I liked him and at the same time... I was embarrassed of him. He was always asking for my notes. I wished he would pay attention in class himself and not miss so many lectures. I wished he would keep his head down. Blend in a little. I knew I was queer myself and it wasn't his homosexuality that was a problem, I told myself. He just needs to tone it down a little. Stop making a pass at the straight guys, that's just asking for trouble. After all, our campus is pretty tolerant, it's not like anyone will dare to be outright hostile to him for no reason, and if they are he has us. As long as he stays out of trouble.

You can probably tell where this is going. I later learned that he was being bullied in his hostel, so much so that he had to transfer to another. After a point I had refused to give him my notes. It was at the convocation (last year graduation ceremony) that he confronted me about it. He said, "I was suffering at that time. I was slipping in academics and you didn't help me. I will remember that." He still sat beside me during the ceremony. He had a girlfriend at that time and he still chose to sit beside me. He looked beautiful in a saree.

I came out as bisexual to my closest friend circle in 3rd year. I first came out to that guy, at the same time he came out to me as the same. He was walking me back to my hostel and he told me, casually as ever. It felt like the easiest thing in the world to tell him right then. Five days later, I was in a Starbucks for the first and only time in my life with four of my 'close' friends and we were playing some trite party game and I came out to them. They took it well. I think they mostly had questions about what that meant. I remember being alone in the rickshaw back to campus with my crush (one of them but not really) and asking them, "Did I make things awkward?" They assured me that I didn't, albeit in a distracted way. I'd like to think they meant it. The next day, I was sitting at lunch with another of the circle friends (not one of the previous four). I don't know how or why it started but they started ranting, enraged and vitriolic, about my bi (now partially out) friend. I don't remember the specifics but the phrase that stuck out, or rather slapped me in the face was - 'you can't feel safe around a guy like that, can you?' I... didn't see that coming. In my mind, all of my friends, though ignorant about the finer points, were undoubtedly queer allies. All of them knew I was a part of the queer group, I attended queer meets, I volunteered for the events, and though I wasn't very out and proud about myself my gender presentation was clearly not conforming. I was devastated. This person was the second closest friend I had in the entire campus. We were from the same state, same caste and we had found a shared comradery among the mostly North Indian populace. I loved them like a little sibling and I felt Betrayed at that moment. I don't know what came over me but I did the only thing that felt right. I asked them, "You may not know this but I like both girls and boys. I'd like to ask you, do YOU feel safe around me?" At the time it seemed like the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, this pathetic too-late retort exhausting almost all of my courage. They didn't answer and we didn't talk for the rest of the meal.

I don't remember how we got back from that. I think they apologised. I just know that no one made any disparaging comments about my friend in front of me after that. I could have done this before. I could have done more. I could have helped my other friend who was being 'teasingly' bullied. I could have spoken up in time.

I won't go into details but I also had some problems with sensory issues in my last year which made me miss out on some social events. A reason which I learned one of these 'friends' had been calling bullshit on behind my back (interestingly, this was the same person who was being bullied who was also the only person who had been homophobic (I think? it was weird) to me after I came out). It got so bad that I had to shut myself in my room and ghosted all contacts, and there were... check-ins to make sure I hadn't done anything stupid. I don't want to blame anyone for that, they were all concerned (for real this time) about me but being with them wasn't great for my mental health.

All this to say, I feel ashamed of the person I was at the time I lived with these people. I'm sure they are all different people now, some better, some worse, I'm both better and worse than before too. Things won't be the same. I haven't kept in contact, I'm sure they miss me and this is their way of reaching out to me. I just... can't. I can't establish contact again. I still love them, despite all judgement, but I don't want to let them in my life again. I'm making a decision which is going to have consequences and I'm so scared. But I'm going to do it. This feels more like cowardice than bravery on my part but it will still take every bit of my courage to do it. I don't have a lot of it, as you can tell.

[thecpdiary]

Mental Health: Why Is It Being Ignored?

Mental health isn’t bound by age, colour or creed. It is essential to the human experience and yet it’s something we continue to ignore thinking mental illness won’t get us, it belongs to someone else, or it’s something for someone else to deal with.

But anyone can struggle with mental health. Austerity and the wider population being hit by an era of cuts and uncertainty, has seen mental health plummet. At the start of Covid-19, mental health also took a tumble. Mental health issues are genetic, the environment plays its part, so you see no one is free of mental health issues.

Why is it being ignored?

But mental health is largely being ignored because people either genuinely struggle or can't always be bothered to deal with it. We saw this in Covid-19 as soon as lockdown finished. People were desperate to get back into their lives as quickly as possible. But the irony is, mental health never leaves, issues reside in all of us, sometimes below the surface, sometimes it comes to the surface, but they never go.

Like disability, mental health also carries a stigma. If you’re a celebrity, everyone knows when you have mental health issues. Prince Harry makes the headlines because he deals with mental health issues. But perhaps the problem with mental health is there is no acknowledgement or acceptance that we deal with mental health issues.

Mental Health is the ‘Elephant in the Room’

Now is exactly the right time we should be talking about and dealing with mental health. But like the ‘elephant in the room’ no one talks about mental health. They know it’s there, you may know someone who presents and deals with mental health issues, but for those dealing with mental health issues, they are very much on their own.

Like the ‘elephant in the room’ no one talks about mental health. They know it’s there, we may know someone who presents with mental health issues, but for the most part, for those with mental health issues, they are very much on their own.

I write and I continue to write about mental health. My blogs if you take time to read them, can make a difference and bring understanding and acceptance. That can happen, when you deal with your mental health. A healthy mind, equals a healthy life, equals a healthy lifestyle, equals healthy living and good mental health. My books deal with mental health.

If you’re interested in dealing with your mental health, my books are available to buy through my website.

For more inspirational, lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[kittycatpopprincess]

.

Getting better is honestly kind of scary

It's kind of a weird position to be in. Like, I'm not actively suicidal anymore, my emotional states are often less intense than they used to be in the past, I don't even think that I fit the criteria for clinical depression anymore, which was my official diagnosis back in December 2016. And, like, obviously that's a good thing. Avoiding relapses in both alcohol and self-harm, getting to feel more that just crushed by everything or completely numb, it's all objectively positive. But also I'm not sure what to do now

The thing is those years of mental illness have left an impact. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. I mean, I got better, now should be the perfect time to enjoy life and have fun, but to be honest I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be around other people, how to relate to them, how to communicate with them in a way that feels even remotely human. I don't know how to have hope for the future, even still I'm not even sure I have a future. And if I do, it's terrifying. Because if I'm not severely mentally ill anymore, then I'll have my disability cut off, and I'll have to go work an actual job, and be around other people all day and I'll have responsibilities which mean consequences not only for me but other people if I fuck up, and I'll have to wake up each day at the same time and pretend I'm fine and keep working when I'm doing bad and I honestly don't know how to do any of that anymore. I may be getting better but I honestly feel like I can't do anything like a person anymore, and I don't know how to learn again, and since I'm getting better, it means that the reason I only ever feel truly safe and comfortable alone and disconnected from everyone and everything else is me. It's not because I struggle with mental health, it's just who I am fundamentally. So like, what's the point of even existing that way?

I'm honestly feelings lost and confused and afraid right now. I have no idea what to do about it. Or what to do in general really. I never was meant to be a real person I think. Trying to go against that never ended well for me or anyone else. But then again, it seems like the choice I have is very binary. Either go on and pretend I'm a real person no matter what it costs or just give up and stop existing as a whole. Neither is really a solution. But what else can I do, huh? I'm desperately trying to not go back to rationalising my own suicidal ideation, but it's honestly getting hard. I do not see a way out of this no matter how hard I try. Which is just how it is sometimes. Sometimes you survive and it doesn't get better, and you still survive somehow and one day you die. It just sounds fucking absurd, living for the sake of it when really neither living nor dying are any different from each other fundamentally. Neither make sense, neither sound appealing or solve anything. Whatever I guess

[daddys-littlegoddess]

PSA on Britney Spears and the #FreeBritney movement for anyone that needs or wants more information on what is going on with her. It’s a fucking rabbit hole, so buckle up.

A little backstory first. Britney was a child star starting at the age of 4 years old on Broadway, and then worked her way to the Mickey Mouse Club, and eventually the solo career we know today. Her career has been on autopilot her entire life. If you look back at her music, she’s been telling everyone for years she’s too controlled and treated as a product if you listen to the lyrics of most of her hits. Examples include: Lucky, Overprotected, My Perogative, Circus, Piece of Me and Gimme More. Her music videos, social media posts, tour props and photoshoots regularly show her in a cage or in chains. If anyone has ever seen videos of her when she was younger, you’d know her REAL singing voice is very similar to Christina Aguilera’s. Her record label didn’t like it, as they were both on the Mickey Mouse Club and about to release their debut albums at the same time. So they had her voice retrained to sing in the baby voice we all know today because they believed it to be more iconic and would create a brand and career for her instead of her real voice. It’s unhealthy, and it’s been destroying her voice over the years, thus why she is known for lip syncing. She wanted to make an acoustic type pop album in 2006 titled Original Doll and reinvent herself using her real voice. The album was shelved and cancelled once her label realized she would be singing in her real voice. She isn’t allowed to sing live because she will either fail terribly, or she’ll have to sing in her deep voice that she isn’t known for. Her entire career she has been treated like a product meant to sell.

Now, for the real tea.

Everyone remembers the 2007 meltdown. Everyone. Leading up the meltdown Britney was going thru a public divorce, had two children under the age of 2 at the time and was VERY much the focus of the public. We all saw her on every magazine cover. We all also saw the photo of her with one of her kids on her lap while driving. Go on YouTube once and look up ‘Britney Spears paparazzi’. You’ll watch her be chased and followed by hundreds of them, even trying to get into a public restroom to photograph her, videotaping her in tears asking them to leave her alone, and even filming her thru the windows of an ambulance while she was naked being taken away for her final mental health hold.

After the public meltdown, shaving her head, locking herself in her home with her children, speaking in a british accent on regular basis, wearing the imfamous pink wig everywhere, and shopping naked, she was hospitalized twice. After the hospitalization, her father petitioned the courts to be a TEMPORARY conservator to her until she was mentally stable and for only one years time. 2 months after her hospitalization she did a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother. 6 months after her hospitalization, she drops the Womanizer video and starts to promote her new album Circus with its worldwide tour that grossed $131.8 million. If she’s so unwell, why did she start working right away?

Her father after one year petitioned the courts for the conservatorship to become permanent due to her ALLEGEDLY having EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA in her TWENTIES. It passed and has been that way ever since. For 12 years to be exact.

Now for everyone that doesn’t understand what that means let me break it down for you.

Britney Spears is a now 38 year old woman who is not allowed to do the following without her fathers permission or he can legally lock her up in a mental health facility:

• drive a car

• vote

• get married

• have children

• spend HER OWN MONEY

• see how her money is being spent

• see her children (she has 30% custody of both of her boys due to her dad assaulting one of her sons)

• leave her home

• hire her own lawyer

• have any control over her career

• speak about the conservatorship publicly

• do interviews that aren’t scripted and all final cuts are approved by her father as well

• use a cell phone without being monitored

• use social media unmonitored

• contact ANYONE without being monitored or having them extremely vetted. (Iggy Azalea allegedly had her house searched for drugs top to bottom when they collaborated on a song together)

• go shopping

• go for a walk

• get Starbucks

A conservatorship is meant for people with mental health issues or decaying health. Most likely grandparents or people with actual dementia etc. They are meant for people who literally cannot take care of themselves. If she is so unwell that she isn’t mentally capable of doing anything for herself, why is she still working? Since the conservatorship began 12 years ago she has:

• released 4 albums

• done 3 worldwide tours

• did a FOUR-year Vegas residency

• was a full time judge on X-Factor

• released multiple perfumes and a lingerie line

• made $138 MILLION DOLLARS or so A YEAR

In January of last year, Britney was placed in a mental health facility for 3 months after being seen driving her car to In-N-Out with her boyfriend without permission and for refusing to take the sedating medications her father has doctors prescribing her to keep her under control. She testified to a judge in documents that she was held there against her will by her father. After it was leaked to the press that she was there against her will, the Free Britney movement picked up speed causing a judge to open an investigation into the impact and legality her conservatorship has on her life. Britney’s mother Lynn was also liking and commenting on Free Britney posts saying she agrees that Britney is trapped by her father. Britney’s team had Twitter disable the Free Britney hashtag, and regularly threatens any celebrity that speaks out using the hashtag with a lawsuit if they don’t remove their support for the movement. She was seen shortly after leaving a hotel thru the front door (99% of celebrities park underground to avoid paparazzi unless they WANT to be photographed) stumbling while carrying her shoes, and out of it. Her team used that moment to justify to the public that she needs this conservatorship. She is not allowed to have any say in the hiring or firing of anyone on her team. Every year she pays $1.1 million dollars in fees for the conservatorship to continue, including paying her father a solid $100k+ salary and paying a lawyer she isn’t allowed to choose. She is allowed an allowance of around $1,500 a week for bills, shopping and essentials. Her net worth is $250 million.

So, when everyone sees her on Instagram walking up and down her hallways like it’s a fashion show. That’s all she is allowed to do. She has NEVER had control over her life. I don’t care if you personally like her or her music, NO ONE DESERVES THIS. All this woman wants is to see her children, make the music she wants to make, and go get a frappuccino in her car. She is a light of sunshine in this world, and we must protect her at all costs. So please, do not make fun of her, support the Free Britney movement, and send good vibes her way. She has a court date this month to review the conservatorship and decide if it is abusive or will continue to be in place. There are so many details to this that i left out that would make this post entirely much longer than it is, but a simple search will show you what else is out there. Spread this far and wide. ❤️ Free Britney

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

sometimes I think of my cousins and how they've travelled overseas and done all these exciting and adventurous things and I feel like I've been wasting my life staying home and not going anywhere

but I eventually realised that I've already done a lot of exciting and interesting things without spending money or travelling abroad, even if they're just little things, they're still experiences, and I have so many of them

like the time I was playing my ukulele on an empty bus, and then a group of teenagers got on, recognised the song I was playing, and got all excited and started singing along to it

last year I spent a month in a mental health unit, I met a lot of interesting and wonderful people, including a guy who gave me a completely edited version of Judge Dredd that cut out a lot of the comic relief moments that he felt ruined the movie, to this day that is still the only version of that movie I've ever watched (he did a very good job)

I taught myself to cheep like a chick after volunteering to house our baby chickens in my bedroom overnight to make sure they stayed safe and warm, they would cheep at me and I'd cheep back, eventually my family couldn't tell which of us were cheeping

before I started working in aged care, I volunteered in a dementia unit just talking to and doing activities with the residents, I played dominos with a man who survived Auschwitz, he couldn't remember a lot of his life, but he would always show me the numbers on his arm and tell me exactly how many years he spent fighting in the war, how many years he spent in Auschwitz, and how after he was released, as soon as he was fit to fight again he rejoined the army

I travelled for most of a day to attend the wedding of friends I had met in person only once at a convention, I had very little money at the time and stayed in the cheapest pub hotel imaginable, it was disgusting, I slept on the very edge of the bed with my jacket over the pillow, it was worth it to see them again

when travelling home from a convention me and my friends ended up on the same train home as some other convention goers and we turned the section we were sitting in into a mess of memes and pop-culture references, we sand songs, made a ton of noise and had a lot of fun, I'm still friends with some of them and we always try to meet up at cons now

my mum and aunt appeared on tv advocating for lifts at our local train station that has absolutely no accessibility for the disabled, the video they took of a legless man dragging himself backwards up the stairs as his friend carried his wheelchair went viral, I did letterbox drops and helped out at BBQ fundraisers for the cause, the government has finally relented and are beginning the plans to have them installed

I joined an accapella group once and discovered I was a baritone, I learned how to mount a unicycle but I can't ride one, I learned sign language when I was having non-verbal episodes, and I forgot it all when they stopped and I no longer needed it, I marched in a float at mardi gras, literally everyone I know contacts me when they need a bird identified, I took burlesque classes, I made posters for a local band promotion

and now I have a volunteer job in a thrift store that funds a suicide callback service that I have actually used, I have failed at every job in my life so far but in this one I singlehandedly manage the entire dvd and video tape section, every single disc on our shelves was checked and cleaned by me and me alone, and the ones that were on the shelves from before I started working there were removed and rechecked, I reshelved everything and sorted it all by genre, by my manager's orders nobody else is even allowed to touch the dvd section, and when anyone does the other staff will rat them out to me because they know how much pride I take in my work and how important it is to me, and that I do a fucking good job, the first time ever I've had a job I'm good at and proud of

you don't have to have money and go to exotic places to have an interesting and fulfilled life, I wouldn't trade any of this for an expensive trip abroad

what interesting life experiences have you had? what weird skills have you learned? what kind of strange people have you talked to? give me your stories