#or maybe dreamwidth? idk too long ago

[messy-and-bi]

A meme for you: Pick 9 pictures in your phone that describe you and tag 9 people)

Thanks for the tag @letshareapapou ^_^

Tagging: @cameoliob, @hayesflint, @mabsart, @mayawakening, @mossywriting, @nautilicious, @never-ending-fanfic, @notapaladin, @solsilverpine

If you've already done this meme, no worries. If you don't want to do it it's okay! If you want me to remove the tag just let me know!

[deathchasing]

3, 4, 10, 11, 18, 22 !

𝒂 𝒎𝒖𝒏 𝒂𝒔𝒌. 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐩𝐜. | (Open)

3. what fandom do you primarily favour? this one's easy! apex! my interests expand beyond apex obviously but i'll be the first to admit i have zero AUs for my lil man and i'm not sure about the reason for this. i think a lot of it is simply memory issues and not being able to remember enough lore details to feel secure in my interpretations ... that being said, if i made any AUs, they'd probably include tron, borderlands, the elder scrolls, and fallout. maybe dead by daylight but octane would just be frank legion anyway so idk. i also thought about an overwatch AU once but then blizzard stopped caring about the lore and so did i LOL

4. what genre do you primarily favour? i write/draw a lot of scifi these days but my background is actually in fantasy and horror. i really dig writing about psychology and dark themes in general. scifi can often encompass these things but sometimes i feel like i swing a little too hard in the thriller/horror direction and that maybe i'm writing in the wrong genre :')

10. what year did you join the tumblr roleplaying community? not that long ago. 2019ish

11. what other platforms have you used to roleplay? i started rping when i was like. eleven years old. on MSN messenger & AIM. then on neopets boards. and then i moved onto actual forums like proboards and invisionfree. funny story btw, in the process of answering this one, i went on a deep dive to find my old invisionfree RP forum and apparently they all shut down in 2019 and i might have lost four years worth of writing from high school. FUN. anyway then i moved to livejournal and dreamwidth for a bit and finally tumblr.

18. how did you come across the roleplay community? that's a good question. i have no idea. PROBABLY just from browsing neopets forums if i had to guess.

19. what have you learned by proxy of roleplaying and rp researching? i never used to research anything for RP because it was all fantasy and OCs up until tumblr and i did what i wanted. BUT with octane i have had the opportunity to learn lots of miscellaneous things. random spanish phrases and expletives. what being electrocuted feels like. how long it takes to die from asphyxiation. y'know just octane things

[primeideal]

Wheel of Time Episode 5: Blood Calls Blood

The title of this episode is a line from book two about prophecies or whatever that has...basically nothing to do with this episode, cool.

We arrive at the White Tower/Tar Valon somewhat earlier than the books and I am here for it. Sometimes on rereads I'm like "IDK which is my favorite plotline, they're all good" and then we get to magic city with magic school and magic factions and worldbuilding, yessss. And the colors! Both in the sense of "they're all about Ajah color symbolism, they should have lots of decorations" but also "no more literal grimdark, let's see color in these fantasy worlds!" Hype. "And now you're wondering if you can ever go back to the world you knew before or how you'd fit in. You can't, I had the same experience." :( Moiraine of House Damodred. Why are the Whitecloaks patrolling outside of Tar Valon? Feels like that's the last place they'd want to be. And the Tinkers' method of civil disobedience is...Red Rover. Inspiring. (Though I feel like the Two Rivers response to the Trolloc threat in book ~3 or 4 isn't that different?) Rand: "Egwene thinks she's the reincarnation of Jain Farstrider or something." (I expected Loial to go "but he's not even dead.") Stepin is pouring his heart out but still finds time to joke about Alanna's harem. Priorities! And now Stepin must cast the ring into the fire. Great visual/imagery using the TV medium to add some worldbuilding that's not in the book, but also, I feel like I've read this epic fantasy. Egwene gets groped by the Whitecloaks, who also remove her braid. Maybe I'm just prejudiced by daydreaming about Rule 63 Galad, but I don't see why women can't be zealot inquisitors, too. (Is it just Aes Sedai=women=bad??) Although this is also some nice foreshadowing of a different group who are going to dress Egwene in white and not let her wear her hair the way she wants... "The Light never does anything without a purpose." Except as my dreamwidth friend seekingferret would say, the purpose is that these characters are ta'veren so plot events just kind of randomly happen around them! "walking like gods amongst men" What are your beliefs/theology/opinions about gods other than "the Creator made the world"? If I had a nickel for every time a speculative fiction story tosses out a line like that and never follows up... Egwene probably wants to sacrifice herself for Perrin here. "Egwene was almost ten when she nearly died of breakbone fever" so she'd be old enough to remember it, I want her POV! "The fever had broken, not her" d'awwwww. In the books, this conversation comes up as Moiraine asking Nynaeve "you knew right where to find us, did you heal Egwene or one of them when you were younger?" "yeah, the Wisdom told me it was just a common childhood disease and she'd get better, but she looked in such terrible pain, somehow I got the fever to break early" "yeah you were channelling" "..." But that might have been ten years ago in show canon. Has Nynaeve been a wilder for that long? "it may take you your whole life to realize that, but you will" I hope this is not foreshadowing! (I mean it's in the context of Egwene is trying to sacrifice herself for Perrin so she doesn't think that she has too much longer. But I was idly batting around a while back about if they would drastically change any plotlines/endings, and IDK, I feel as if Perrin is the most likely to be like "all loose ends tied up, let's go on a berserker rage now" as long as none of his buddies are around? Egwene just stabs Valda before Perrin gets the chance to (so he can't feel guilty about it!) And takes the Aes Sedai rings, she already wants to avenge them. :D Moiraine: "Siuan Sanche is many things..." *sprawls out on the bed luxuriously* Alanna: "She might be up to something, you could challenge her!" Moiraine: "haha sure whatever." I wonder if they're going to merge Elaida with Liandrin's character? Stepin assumes that the healing last episode was Nynaeve's first time with the One Power. Do we know that? (Curious especially in light of the adapted "breakbone fever" scene, but also just in general. She "listens to the wind," doesn't she?) Oof, they aren't pulling punches with Stepin. :( The focus here on the Warder-Aes Sedai relationships really raises the stakes with regards to Lan and Nynaeve, but also Alanna and Rand. The whole throat singing, chest slapping Warder funeral scene isn't really doing it for me. I understand it's supposed to be a callback to the first scene, just not my aesthetic.

[eldritchsurveys]

600.

Do you want to sue someone right now? If so, who? >> Nope.

Have you ever been abused by a cop? >> No.

Do you buy new xmas pajamas every year? >> No, but that seems to be a tradition that Sparrow’s family does? Christmas pajamas? I’d never heard of it before now.

What's one thing you want for Christmas? >> Money. I’m so broke. Also, what I fucking want is for that Etsy seller to answer my damn message and either send me what I ordered or refund me. I hate it when sellers don’t even bother answering their messages when they were supposed to ship something two fucking weeks ago.

Have you ever called 911 in an emergency? >> Yeah.

Have you ever been in level 10 pain (the worst pain imaginable)? >> I’ve experienced the worst pain imaginable for my experience. I can’t imagine anything outside of my experience, so.

What is your cutest cousin's name? >> ---

Were you born in a hospital? >> Yeah.

Were you born in the city you live in now? >> No.

Do you feel at all nauseous right now? >> Nope.

What was the last part of nature you took a picture of? >> Probably some snow-covered trees back in November.

What is your favorite part of nature? >> I don’t have a favourite part. It’s all good.

Do you feel like your favorite season lasts long enough? >> No.

Did you ever want to change your name when you were little? >> I changed the name I used for myself constantly when I was little. Not that anyone else paid any attention.

What color Christmas tree do you want when you have your own house someday? >> White is pretty, but Sparrow wants to get real trees when we have a house so I guess we’ll be doing that.

Are you happy with your life right now? >> Sure.

What do people accuse you of the most? >> I don’t find myself accused of much of anything.

Have you felt depressed at all lately? >> A little, when winter was first settling in.

What is your current favorite kind of soup? >> Tomato, but the good kind.

Do you feel like you're a slave to the government? >> No.

Have you ever contemplated leaving the country? because of the injustice of your country? >> Leaving the country is not only financially unfeasible, it’s just... not really a solution, for me. I don’t glorify other countries just because they have this thing or that thing -- they all have their downsides. Some countries have downsides that might be more immediately harmful to me than the bullshit the US does. Unless I was moving for the sheer fun of it, out of pure desire (as opposed to escape), I don’t see the point.

Do you have overdue library books? >> No, but I do have to renew my library card, argh.

What was the name of your favorite Barbie? >> ---

Did you give your Barbies individual names? >> I don’t remember if I named them.

Does your mom like your favorite color? >> ---

Which family member's birthday is closest to yours? >> ---

Which holiday is your bday closest to? >> Memorial Day. Sometimes it’s the same day, to my annoyance.

Is your favorite nail polish running low? >> ---

What is your favorite nail polish color? >> Black.

Do you use a sunlamp? >> No, they’re way too concentrated for me.

What is your favorite thing to do on your phone? >> Read. I use the shit out of the CloudLibrary app.

Which department store do you live closest to? >> Meijer and Target (they’re in the same shopping center).

Do you keep a diary? >> I keep a journal on Dreamwidth.

Which friend do you want back? >> ---

Have you ever contemplated going back to an ex because you're lonely? >> When I was younger, probably.

Does your back hurt right now at all? >> No.

What magazine would you like to subscribe to? >> I’m thinking about maybe trying out some [digital] subscriptions to like, New Yorker, or Harper’s, or some other digital publications. All of them have subscriptions now, after all, and it’s getting hard to go on my Longform.org binges when half the sites they aggregate from are restricted.

Do you think you would look good on the cover of a magazine? >> I have no idea how I would look on a cover of a magazine. Most of the “looking good” happens through the makeup and photo-editing, so idk, maybe.

Have you ever wished you were born in a different country? >> No.

Do you ever get praised for doing a good job? >> I mean, by Sparrow, I guess.

Do you wish you had someone on your side? >> I do have someone on my side.

Would you pretend you were suicidal because a nurse wanted you to? or because a youth leader wanted you to? or because a stranger wanted you to? >> What...??? I cannot imagine a single situation like this. Where they do this at?

Do your peers label you as depressed and reject you because of it? >> No?????

Who was the last person you met who wasn't toxic? >> I don’t think anyone I’ve met is toxic. Some people just have a lot of shit going on and that shit don’t play well with others. I’m not going to call them “toxic” because of that.

Do you feel like your life is just work, work, work, with no reward? >> No.

Do you ever get tired of the abuse and just want to quit? >> What abuse?

Do you wish there were penalties for abuse in your country? >> There... there are... (Now, whether someone is willing to follow the law or not -- or whether they’re held accountable by the law or not -- is a whole different story.)

Do you wish there were a refuge for the abused in your country? >> I’m not sure what kind of refuge you’re thinking of.

Do you wish you had a safe place you could go where people cared about you? >> I... I do... damn, survey-maker, you good???

Do you feel happy right now? >> Sure.

What color were the last pair of pajamas you wore? >> The last pj pants I wore were black.

Do you put sugar in your tea? >> No. Sometimes I’ll put some honey in, depending on what kind of tea it is, but other teas I just drink as-is.

What's one childhood dream that has stuck with you? >> ---

Does anyone encourage you to go after your dreams? >> I don’t have any dreams, man.

^Did that last statement bring pain with it? >> Nah, it sounds depressing but I actually just don’t operate that way. I’m more present-oriented than future-oriented.

What color was the last mug you drank out of? >> White on the outside and yellow on the inside. It has a cute cartoony cactus on it.

Do you feel hot today? >> I feel hot almost every day. I run like a furnace.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? >> Their Eyes Were Watching God.

Are you exhausted? >> No.

How many tabletop Christmas trees do you have? >> Zero.

Do you think skydiving sounds fun? >> I sure do.

Who do you know who has been skydiving? >> I had a friend whose brother took the course and got a license for it, and I think I’ve met a couple other people who’ve done it.

Do you itch right now? >> No.

What is the ugliest animal known to man (in your opinion)? >> ---

Do you eat meat? >> Yeah.

Have you ever purchased a poinsettia? >> No.

Do you like poinsettias? >> They’re all right, but I’m not interested in them enough to purchase one. Also, they’re toxic to cats, so we can’t have any in the first place.

Would you want your bday to be on a holiday? >> Nah. I like my birthday to belong to me and me only. :3

[plumoh]

2017 writing round-up

I posted this on my dreamwidth but I figured I’d also do it here!

1. Total year-long word count Total: 55 891 English: 44 405 French: 11 486

2. Word count by fandom Kuroko no Basket: 16 963 Haikyuu!!: 23 760 Fire Emblem: 7 650 Boku no Hero Academia: 7 518

3. Fics completed Without counting SASO’s drabbles and MRs, 13

4. Works-in-progress If I’m counting every single crap I want to finish, 12. They’re all one-shots except for one, which is a long fic I just started writing with art collaboration.

5. This year I wrote and posted 2 collaborations (SASO’s MRs) 2 drabble collections (one for Knb, one for HQ!!), 30 drabbles 13 one-shots

6. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? Less than predicted, in the sense that I wanted to write down much more ideas I had. But SASO made me write quite a lot of short drabbles!

7. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Considering I got into a new fandom halfway through 2017 (BNHA), I guess the answer is obvious lol But from the fandoms I was already writing for, I’d say HimuKise. I had wanted to write for that pairing in the past but never had the chance/inspiration/motivation to do it.

8. What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? Connect, Fire Emblem Heroes ft mainly Roy and Ninian. Do you know how many  y e a r s  I had waited for an opportunity to make this family reunite?? While it can definitely be improved, I like the atmosphere I managed to set up and exploring the characters’ feelings in such an odd situation.

9. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? Participating in SASO was kind of a risk in itself haha I’ve never participated in any kind of long-term events or done collaborations before so I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to keep up. It further proved I can’t write as much as before in one sitting. But the event was great, I don’t regret signing up! Other than that, I don’t think I’ve taken other risks… I did try to be more explicit in my non-explicit sexual content but that failed lmao

10. Your best story of this year Thousands of feathery kisses, KnB, ft KagaHimu. It’s only a retelling of their relationship but I loved writing it and exploring their emotions, especially since I’ve never written them with so much depth before (the previous kagahimu was more on the humorous side so). Looking back on it, the sentences flow smoothly and I don’t know how I did that haha

11. Your most popular story of this year Connect! It has the most comments, kudos, hits, favs, and seems to have resonated with a lot of people, probably for the same reason as me, aka being happy to make the three of them meet lol

12. Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion Granted it’s a drabble and buried in the collection, but this HaiKise in FE Awakening setting was particularly fun for me to write because of all the hints I dropped about their relationship. Who doesn’t like a bit of tension with unresolved conflict…….

13. Most fun story to write This drabble about the Miya twins. Banter between siblings is something I really like to write, and making Osamu feel a violent urge to destroy his brother was great.

14. Story with the single sexiest moment Uh. This one? There are like, 4 lines lmao I’m Bad at writing sexy times “Tobio sucks in a breath, Yuutarou's hands on his hips while Akira is nipping at his neck. He reaches out to cup Yuutarou's face in his hands, and slowly closes the distance between them, chapped lips meeting and brushing. Yuutarou tightens his grip and makes his lips part as an invitation, soft as always. Akira stops his nipping but Tobio can feel his eyes following their every move, and somehow it spurs in him a stronger desire to give his all. He always gives his all for them.”

15. Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story That one drabble where Kindaichi and Kageyama break up, I guess? I had difficulty writing it because it’s already hard to make them hook up, so separating them is worse fnjsdk

16. Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters For you, my brother, Haikyuu!!, ft Miya twins. It was the second time I was writing the twins and it made me understand them better, I think, especially Osamu who had been introduced in the manga not too long ago.

17. Hardest story to write muffled screaming there is a French LeoKumi wip I’m writing and it’s giving me headaches because it’s a modern setting, it has to be soft and familiar, with beautiful scenery, which are my three strongest points (sarcasm).

18. Biggest disappointment Like That, KnB, pre-HaiKise. It should have been more on the bonding/familiarity aspect through a situation that exasperated them both. 

19. Biggest surprise Fahrenheit! It conveyed perfectly the feelings and the mood I wanted to write.

20. Most unintentionally telling story The stupid NijiHai + Kise from SASO,,, friend!HaiKise? Kise making fun of Zaki? Niji suffering because of Kubota and Sekiguchi?? Banter?? Shitty humorous situation??? points that’s me

21. Favorite opening line(s) [They should stop meeting in the middle of the night, after everyone’s eyes are turned away from them. The moonlight can offer only that much light and warmth, after all, though neither of them truly gets cold.] -fahrenheit, himukise

22. Favorite closing line(s) [He takes Kunimi's hand, squeezes a bit too hard, like it would make the act more real. Kunimi snickers at this and that's the closest to enjoyment Kageyama has made him feel in forever. Hopefully the first to many others.] -kunikage

23. Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere [And then Osamu's lips tug upwards, his eyes slightly widen, and his throat is opening to let out an awful laugh, scratching and prickling and grating. He falls on his knees at the foot of the bed and crumples the shirt in his hands, fingers digging into the fabric just as needles are piercing his hollow (healthy) heart.] -the donor song, miya twins

[He thinks he hears a metallic noise above him, so he looks up. A second later Kagami dashes past him, as if drawn to it, and the scream filling the air sounds horrifyingly like his, or Kagami's, or anybody's, and the bright red springs back, dotting the ground and Kagami's body and Kuroko's face, just as a black cat crosses the street, as if it was taunting him.] -kagerou days kagakuro

[Kise rubs his head, seriously considering telling Haizaki that hitting a model anywhere on the upper part of the body is prohibited, because hello, he needs to be perfect?] -nijihai + kise

[The man faces him, features not fully drawn, a sketch made of memories and what-ifs, but it’s the beginning of something greater. Tatsuya hasn’t found a cure; he can bring back the person whom it was destined to. Tatsuya risked everything, after all.] -pharmakon, nijihimu

[Katsuki ne lui accorda pas un moment de répit et saisit son visage entre ses deux mains non sans le malmener quelque peu, ses doigts effleurant des mèches bicolores qui tombaient sur une peau tordue par la frustration et une pure agonie, encadrant des yeux trop humides pour laisser au hasard la signification de cette expression complètement dévastée.] -en comptant sur toi, “écoeuré”, todobaku

24. Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated Roy and Ninian hugging (Connect) KinKuniKage arguing after they burn down the village (Yours to take) Kise and Haizaki in the tent (There again) Possessed Kageyama against Hinata (Bright sun) Osamu holding Atsumu in a headlock (The laws of this land)

25. Fic-writing goals for next year Finishing half of my wips (one-shots), and most importantly the long fic with art collaboration!! Also continue a French Kingdom Hearts fic I haven’t touched since 2015 fdkfn And maybe writing things I’m not used to? idk if I can finish my wips it’d already be great haha

[piepeloe]

OMG! I’ve never been tagged in one of these before. Thank you @mrbarbacarisi

1) Name/Nickname: rather not say my real name online, guess I grew up when people were far more paranoid about the internet

2) Gender: Female

3) Star Sign: Cancer

4) Height: 1.61m or about 5′3

5) Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

6) Favorite Animal: cats, particularly my own cat

7) Hours of Sleep: as many as I can get, but I’m a night owl (and an idiot) so I usually get too few before I have to get up for work. Fortunately naps are a thing.

8) Dogs or Cats: cats

9) Number of Blankets: usually just a comforter, except when it gets really cold, then I might throw on another blanket.

10) Dream Trip: I know this sounds weird, but I don’t really like to travel. I do love London. Also really liked New York. One place I haven’t been and would love to visit is Washington DC, I’d fully embrace the tourist experience and get guides for everything though. (And I refuse to visit until Trump is gone)

11) Dream Job: true dream job would be (screen)writer, but more realistically...I have no idea :(

12) Time: 4:06 PM

13) Birthday: July 15

14) Favorite Bands: I don’t really have one?

15) Favorite Solo Artist: Adele

16) Song Stuck In My Head: an old Mariah Carey song (I recently got nostalgic and put a bunch of music from my teenage years on my iPhone)

17) Last Movie I Watched: Thor Ragnarok

18) Last Show I Watched: SVU, but I also watch a lot of late night shows, so The Daily Show, Last Week Tonight, Full Frontal

19) When I Created My Blog: hmm...summer of...2011? 2012?

20) What I Post/Reblog: I’m a fandom hopper, so whatever my latest obsession is. Right now that’s SVU and Barisi. Occasionally some of my older fandoms will pop up like Sherlock, Star Trek, MCU,...I’m sure if the new Star Wars film is any good I’ll reblog stuff about that. I also sometimes reblog stuff about politics, current events. Btw, this might seem obvious but if I stop posting stuff you’re interested in because I (or you) have changed fandoms, feel free to unfollow. I don’t keep track, it won’t hurt my feelings, and fandom should be fun.

21) Last Thing I Googled: think it was something about/for work, so meh

22) Other Blogs: I don’t have any sideblogs, but I am on twitter, instagram, dreamwidth, AO3 and LJ, all with this username. But tbh, the only place I occasionally post something is twitter, and even then not as often as here.

23) Getting Asks: I’m pretty sure I can count the number of asks I’ve ever gotten on one hand and have fingers left over. So yes, it’s exciting, feel free to ask stuff.

24) Why I Chose My URL: it had already been my nickname on LJ for years, so why not? It’s sort of a cutesy endearment in my language, but kind of made up? It’s not in any dictionary, but anyone would know it’s meant to be sweet.

25) Following: 103, but lots haven’t posted in months (or don’t post stuff I’m interested in anymore) so I might need to check them

26) Followers: 78, which is baffling

27) Lucky Number: don’t really have one but I tend to gravitate towards 6

28) Favorite Instrument: don’t play anything myself, but I like the piano

29) What I’m Wearing: pajamas and a soft fluffy robe

30) 90 (idk what the question was so keeping this answer)

31) Nationality: Belgian

32) Favorite Song: I genuinely cannot pick just one, but probably something from a musical

33) Last Book I Read: was waaaay too long ago, I blame fanfic, but probably The Hobbit

34) Top Three Fictional Universes I’d Like to Join: none tbh. Most fictional universes sound awful and/or similar to ours unless you’re one of the heroes yourself. If I had to choose, maybe Star Trek? Most of the horrible stuff there happens to the starships or the outposts/colonies. So if you stick to one of the main worlds, you’d still get to have replicators, transporters, medical advances and other cool things, but rarely any trouble.

I tag: anyone who has never been tagged in one of these.

[obdurare-archive-blog]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST. DON’T REBLOG. – BASICS. • NAME: Amanda!  The exclamation point is important. • PRONOUNS:   She/Her • SEXUALITY:  Pansexual • TAKEN OR SINGLE:  Taken – THREE FACTS. 1. I knit and crochet very well, and I like making shawls and socks.  I also have more sock yarn than I will probably ever knit. 2.  I have an aussie shepherd doggo with one eye named Butch, and a really fat rabbit named Guinness. 3. I have only every seen snow maybe three times my entire life in person, because I live in a place where winter is literally a month long and doesn’t actually get that cold.

• HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?):  Oh gosh, over a decade, since I was a wee roleplayer. • PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED:  Tumblr, Dreamwidth, Livejournal, AIM. • BEST EXPERIENCE:  That is actually super hard to quantify for me, honestly.  I have a lot of good memories with rp, but no particular one that stands out as the best so far.  IDK I met @pearlsparable by chance through a meme thread a million years ago.  And @changing-roads through rp, too, so those quantify as ‘best’, I guess.  Just don’t tell them I said that.  Especially Silas.  She’s supposed to think I hate her. – MUSE PREFERENCES. • FEMALE OR MALE:  I can and will play either, but my collection rn consists of 40+ year old men with tempers and mostly with facial hair, and a lot of them are pirates.  Or Fallout ghouls.  I have a type. • FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: I can do fluff, occasionally.  But Hector’s not really  built for it much, it just feels wrong.  Angst is okay, too, but it gets old kinda quick.  And I am terrible at smut, y’all.  Like, I can write it.  I can write it pretty okay, but I’m self-conscious as hell about sharing it.  Like, I like adventure and stupid shippy shit and ghost stories and.  Big, grand things. • PLOTS OR MEMES:  Both!  I am here for both!  But I would really like some long-term plots. • LONG OR SHORT REPLIES:   I do long replies.  I can’t help it.  No one else has to match that, though. • BEST TIME TO WRITE: Later in the day, at night.  I seem to get more creative vibes flowing then.  You’ll notice that’s when I start getting replies and drafts finished and out. • ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S):  A little?  There are people who claim so, anyway.  Other than us both being stubborn as fuck, I don’t really see it, though.  I’m not a ginger.  I don’t have a scraggly beard.  /shrug emoji

Tagged By: @conquistadoradelmar && also @luckycaptainaubrey Tagging: @changing-roads @pearlsparable  @warriorbled uh. I suck at this part, so.  Do it if you want.

[brennacedria]

Continuing this, I guess. I've been through too many emotions since this first post, zipping from one to the next. Some of them have been really helpful, because they're helping me understand episodes that were bpd outbursts versus bipolar mood episodes, especially rapid cycling episodes. I do still HAVE rapid cycling eps, even in retrospect, but more of the outbursts are bpd.

But on the other hand, figuring this out about myself is kind of sinking me into more of a depression. Cause, well, my bipolar is pretty much controlled on my current meds, and I think bp being controlled might be why the remaining symptoms are narrowed down to the bpd. (That's how the bipolar was finally diagnosed, too: reactions to and effectiveness and/or lack thereof of certain meds narrowed the problem down from "just" major depressive disorder + gen anxiety/panic disorder.) But... The bpd doesn't react to meds, from what I'm reading? It's a therapy thing, and I've tried three therapists in the past. None of them were compatible with me. (Also cost both co-pays and time missed from work.)

Anyway, some of the depression it's bringing on. If bpd is often caused by childhood trauma like I've read, I can trace my cause absolutely directly to my mom's second husband. His abuse (mostly mental/emotional for us kids, but almost deadly to our mom and I'm the only one who remembers that) is 100% the cause. But effective almost immediately after their separation and divorce, aka once the danger was over, I've never dwelled on it. It happened, and the only thing I ever worried about after that was protecting my mom from her own repressed memories. Which I mean, isn't something a preteen to teen should ever have to worry about, but I wasn't alone in the task; her third husband (my current stepdad, since I was 11 I think) helped with what he already knew, and once I told him about the rest he helped with that, too. I wasn't alone, and never had any reason to worry that I might be in the future.

Anyway, the long-previous trauma causing this. Outside of distracting my mom, it never even came to mind. Not in a repressed way--i always knew it was there--it just didn't matter anymore. Not like before the divorce.

But everything says the treatments for bpd focus on therapy. I believe in the effects of therapy when a compatible match between patient and therapist exists. I just haven't ever had that. And since (until reading about the effects and treatments of bpd) I was over being bothered by my childhood, i don't see how therapy over the situations will help even with a compatible therapist. Realizing the cause of the bpd has been worse than my memories, because without any active effects of the past, I feel helpless about working out my problems. What's there to work on, after all? Without anything to work on, what hope of reducing the bpd symptoms can there possibly be? Learning the truth of the doc's observations has been worse on my mental health than any trauma I ever went thru.

This is probably the reason he discusses treatments and symptom control with patients, rather than actual diagnoses. I think I mentioned in the original post that it's to prevent overthinking, which I've fallen into a massive rabbit hole of now.

Idk. I hate blathering about this here and subjecting anyone with the attention span to my crazy. This site is the closest thing I have to private talk therapy tho, since it's the only one semi-locked. LJ would have been even better, but I got banned there years ago (a feat I'm quite proud of). Maybe I could actually use my dreamwidth... I can lock that down to actual followers-only like on LJ, right?

So, I was on my insurance account and while looking for something else came across a "diagnoses" page. Not technically, literally diagnoses, but the dsm or whatever codes provided for billing.

My pdoc, tho, seems to use them pretty literally based on when I saw on my check-out sheet after an appointment the code for bp1 for the first time after an appointment where I 1001% described a full manic episode (the first one I'd had in 10+ years). I don't see those sheets unless I ask for them, tho, and I haven't had a reason to ask for them for ages since I don't pay with FSA cards now.

So anyway, finding the diagnoses page on my insurance site. All these submissions, so so so many, for both Brian and I. The page doesn't list the patient for each one and all entries are sorted only by date, but since Brian and I only share one doctor and don't share any pre-existing conditions, it's obvious what belongs to who.

Apparently, I have bpd as well as bipolar and general anxiety/panic disorder?

I flipped my shit when I saw it on the list. How fucking dare he? And it'd been there the length of that insurance account, so obviously it'd been there even longer on older insurances. I mean, he's been treating me for.... At least 8 years, now? And it's never been mentioned?

Ofc, I realized a day or two later that, well... Maybe that reaction maybe kinda proved his point. He'd definitely think so. And while I have had outbursts in his office of varying emotions, the ones I've had IN HIS OFFICE I still feel are justified. Cause yep, I remember a bunch of specific ones. Buuuuuttttttt..... I have a bunch more, too, that he doesn't see or hear about, just like multiple full manic phases before seeing him. So, combined with some of my bipolar symptoms and in spite of others, I think he probably knows what he's doing, or whatever.

I just wish sometimes he had a different communication method. He doesn't name conditions if he doesn't have to; instead, he focuses with the patient (or at least, with me) on symptoms and treatments. And I mean, I do think that's effective because it doesn't give the opportunity to overthink conditions but... Idk, I'd like to know still, and he'll tell me directly if I ask, but I never realize until after that there's something to ask about.