#or left after uni
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I’m so tired.
#how do people make friends as adults#like I’ve been at uni 3 years#I’ve joined clubs#gone to events with people#cooked dinners and had takeaways sat in the living room#and yet somehow always seem to be an after thought#I’m literally a week away from handing in my dissertation with lots of work today#and the housing situation here sucks#and two people who I’ve been talking to about housing#who know how badly it all sucks#have put in for a flat of their own without saying anything#and I get it#it’s not really a shock cause like they’re a couple that can get a 1 bed and split the cost#they’ve been together 18 months#but I’m not even worth the talk apparently.#is it me is there something fundamentally wrong with my ability to make friends#or am I just really crap at picking people out#and like. they’re not awful people don’t get me wrong#but I also reckon if I went home from here for an extended period of time.#or left after uni#I’d never see any of them again#and apparently I feel badly enough about it all that I need to shout into the void here.#something that I do not do at all#but I have no idea what I’m doing now and finding somewhere new to live that is walkable to the uni is really difficult cause#for a uni town they sure don’t like students in any of their properties#I have so much work to do I should not be worrying about any of this right now#but I’d like to just play the switch instead and forget about this project or other people for a while#and I can’t cause this is due in on Wednesday and there’s still lots to do#and I can’t even complain about it to anyone cause they all talk to each other#a little circle of gossip that just goes round and round
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Little snippet from a vashwood reincarnation comic that I do not have nearly fully fleshed out in my head with written down text that would surely be 50+ pages and which I will probably get to draw never aaaah
#you know I would LOVE to draw this comic someday#but I can not start another one while having 2 to finish and I need to work on portfolio stuff for after uni D:#this comic would be much more vw centered than my other au cause it would just be vash meeting wolfwood reincarnated about 200 years later#and then they slowly acclimatise to each other's proximity with this thing hanging in the air between them#this thing being all that was left unsaid and unfelt but can be felt now without the looming threat of battle and a free future ahead#sighs#I wish I could show you and for once have the thing fully drawn out#this scene being the start of probably my favourite scene from the end#trigun#trigun spoilers#vashwood#vash#wolfwood
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Something something becoming a city
#really should continue reading that nk jemisin book so i could make a better pun. i got like 2 chapters in before getting distracted by uni#reading. two years ago. oops. after i finish burning chrome? only got two short stories left in that i think#sketchbook#drawing#colour pencil#coffee#illustration#artists on tumblr#my art#uh. i had a point when i started drawing this. i think it might have been please commission me because being a care worker is exhausting an#i consider quitting ever shift i get that's not a night one#or buy originals#sold a lot of those earlier. not so much since january. idk why.
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HA I WAS RIGHT!!! apparently kui said in a modern au laios would be a minimum wage retail worker
#and falin would be a medical researcher...!!!!#for the fic that i have. yet to write lmao. i kind of had laios bouncing between retail jobs/construction#not going to uni and after he leaves high school (maybe even left in yr 10#side note this takes place in australia lmao.) couch surfs for a while and has trouble finding stable housing (aus housing market is shit)#when falin hears about it she wants to drop uni and help him out but he wont hear it#she suspends her studies for a bit to get him on his feet and they live together in gods tiniest flat#then she goes back to uni and voila. laios is a minimum wage retail worker#im putting this all here because the longer i put off writing it the less likely it is to get written lmao.#the point is ive got my finger on the pulse babey. i know what these characters are about
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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Ok so today i had my dads bday!! wow cool and awesome sauce. So, this was my first time seeing my family after moving in my dorm,5 days. It was really fun at first, we ate nando's, I was being super social blah blah, but yeah it drained me like a bitch. Midway in I just started laughing at the silliest things.
There was this cupcake thing, my older sister ordered it, she will be N, there was only one piece left and she gave it to my other sister, H, I was lowkey joking around saying I wanted it, i did a little. However, I already had a couple of bites before so N was like no im giving it to H. Lowkey was a little bummed but oh well, after this I looked down at my phone for a little bit, and when I looked back up I saw my sister handing my mom a plate with the cake bit cut smaller, while going my way. For some reason I had a face of absolute joy and was actually really fucking happy, turns out fuck me it was for my dad who sat besides my mom. My family saw this exchange right and they all laughed at me, I laughed along too, it was pretty funny. However I was laughing fucking hysterically, like crying, almost throwing up, could barely breath, i do laugh like this occaisonally, it means I'm tired as balls.
H and my dad were talking about how much she's been walking, and since iv also been walking(we go to the same uni) I wanted to brag as well since I'm allowed to do that, I checked my app for my steps, I realised the past two days i havent really been walking so I decided to not show them.(I didnt mention this but i was REALLY bragging like being loud as balls) My brother saw me take out my phone mid conversation being loud as balls, look at it then stop talking and put my phone down, we then locked eyes. Me and him suddenly started bursting out laughing and yet again i could barely breath laughing hysterically. But this time while i was laughing, I was hit with a wave of fucking exhaustion and sleep deprivation(I am sleep deprived AS FUCKING BALLS), but this wasnt all I felt, also I felt like a crazy desire to fucking burst out crying. Crying and laughing is a pretty close action uk, but unfortunately I resisted and just continued laughing. After that I didnt let the wave of cry bother me but im pretty sure i was noticebly less outgoing. My social battery was getting drained like a bitch.
Like 5 minutes after that, I looked behind only to see a little girl crying and that shit sent me into another fit of laughter. Take note, this is while my dad is like giving a speech about his birthday thanking god and blah blah BLAH, meanwhile im hunched over fucking in tears.
I settled down after enough time we all finished eating we were just talking, and then we were preparing to leave. I saw my sister say soemthing to my mom and I heard like wanted something, I thought they were talking abt getting food for themselves cuz H and I are gonna go back to our uni's after that. So, I interjected saying wait i want to as well( I thought they said get food) my mom said" Oh? you want to give a couple of words to dad for his birthday?" and my stupid ass said what? no? And then i realised it, my mom mentioned wanting to give a couple words for my dads bday not wanting to get food for later for uni AND THIS SENT ME INTO ANOTHER HYSTERICAL FIT. I could see on my dads face he was over with my ass. I explained my side of the story afterwards and it was all a silly goofy laugh.
When we were going back to the car, my social battery was already dead for awhile. We were at the parking lot we left the mall, and i saw a person behind my, i thought it was my sister, so i looked back TURNS OUT IT WAS SOME RANDOM ASS OLD GUY. AND I BURSTED OUT LAUGHING AGAIN AND MY SISTER GOT MAD AT ME TELLING ME NOT TO LAUGH CUZ YEA I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND BURSTED OUT LAUGHING NOT NICE AT ALL.
#On the ride home just my sister H and me with my mom and dad#We were talking blah vlah blah we get to our uni's and they sent my sister off first cuz her dorms were closer than mine#when she left she asked my parents no money? and yea my dad says no in a silly goofy mood typa way#So after she left I also asked for some money nope instant shut down yea tehres totally some type of way one can tactfully approach it...#and i did not do it#and so yea my ass was already fucking tired and getting bitchy we arrived to my dorms and since im not used to it yet we werent sure on the#way and my mom says she knows a way for me thatl be the easiest but my dad was adamant on followign the gps#while i was just thinking of getting out#and while they were like arguing? not rly my ass got super bitchy and just said dude just drop me off#And honeslty#I get my sister so fucking much She does this type of thing all the time and before this i thought she was just bitchy and not chill abt it#but now i see THESE GUYS ARE BEING ANNOYING AS BALLS#like this is literally my dorms i fucking now wehre to go dude#BUT NO THEY JUST IGNORE ME UNTIL I LIKE NOTICLBY BITCHY ABT IT#but unforties my mom was right she did have a faster way it was jsut i didnt know of it since it was primarily a shortcut for cars and not#for walekrs and i only walk around campus
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In relation to the tags on the post about my birthday: I wonder if its normal to be unable to remember what happened on your birthday two years ago or before that. I guess if I looked at the dates and check when I graduated from secondary school (the first time) I could remember a few things, but I'm beginning to remember my memory is real spotty.
#unma rambles#I don't think it's memory issues#I can remember a lot of things rather clearly#I can remember how and when (except for the year but I can check that) I broke my left hand#then again my hands still feel weird because of that so I guess that's to be expected#I can also remember the resulting spiral and the fact that I defeated Yharon for the first time after I had the cast removed#I can remember my first year of applying for uni and what happened of that#(specifically that one time I stood in the kitchen thinking about my experience with applying to uni)#come to think of it that was also around my birthday. fun.#uh what else#I can remember bits of my first day in secondary school#I can remember when I first started to love art#huh.#that was when I was 13#it's been 5 years#after I graduated I don't remember too much#okay after some thinking I remember the internship I did#I wrote a journal then so I guess I can read that#after that I uh#I don't remember#I suppose it was probably because I was simply moping about huh#not like there was anything to remember#guess I'll be thinking about this a bit more
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To everyone commenting about the red in my art, your tags always make my day <3
This is how I make my art So Red: I use brush pens from the Lyra and Tombow brands, they blend really well, and the red hues are perfectly bright for my taste.
I scan everything with CamScannner, under direct light, to increase contrast and blend the colours even more. The not yet scanned drawings look like this, I used a new pen for the first three drawings, and an old one for the last three, the difference is pretty evident:
I don't always make a pencil sketch before the line art, I prefer to sketch outfits directly in colour, adding the black lines later and filling the rest with brush pens, that's why I often end up with colour blocks.
#only the upper left and upper right were done with a pencil sketch#all the others were made with the brush pen you can see the red sketch lines#pencil sketches + lineart take time and I often need to be fast because I draw in the evening or by night after uni/work#I don't have much time for accuracy but I still want to put some ideas on paper#my art
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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FRESH NAILS LETS GOOOOO
#they look so hot they’re so long and pointy. im gonna GET you#I’ve had such a productive day I finally cleaned up my revision pit that I left behind when I went home#so finally tidied my room and washed my dishes and emptied my bin and cleaned my surfaces etc#and then I got my nails done which is of course SUCH a slay#and then i went to boots and my mate has a loyalty card with student discount on it that i copped#tell me how i got hair dye (this alone was £8) body wash shampoo conditioner and a hair mask ALL for £13. insane bargains from me#and then i finally FINALLY did a big shop bc I’ve fully not done one since coming back after xmas#im so accomplished let’s gooo#honestly i feel really restless and like I’m staving off an inevitable episode bc I just feel soooo ough and unsettled#and it’s always Bad when it gets like this but if i just keep doing things and ignoring it then everything will be fine! 😄#about to have a FAT bath. nothing is wrong with me#hella goes to uni
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Living an insane situation in which I have to decide if I want to do a PhD after all this is over and it simultaneously seems like the best and worst decision one could possibly make
#it feels like someone is taking the piss#oh yeah come do this fun 3 year period :^)#it's insanely hard to get in tho. also you will be treated like shit and payed poorly and left to your own devices.#and you aren't even guaranteed a career after! and you might not even finish it! and some job positions do not even require it!#no but at least TRY to get into academia :^))#ignore how much the people and the system sucks and the greed and the corruption and the politics and#uni tag
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got a perfect score on my animated short film!!!!!!!!!!! (unless my film teacher lied to me)
#talks#it was one of the only two animated films in the class & i think that left a good impression#i'm so hyped. the first score i got at uni and it's a perfect score. we are so back#well he didn't write it down or anything he just came up to me and told me that in person after the seminar but LES GOOO#especially after those two entrance exams that kind of ruined my confidence#i really hope i can post it on here because i worked on nothing else for an entire month!! but i'll have to wait until after the exhibition
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Do you have a playlist somewhere with all the songs you use in your lyrics analysis posts?
sorry for the delayed reply, but i'm supposed to be studying right now, so this is as good time as any to reply to this LMAOO, i just made a playlist hehe
#kevinsdsy’s inbox#it’s missing two songs tho need to find them another time when i have more time :))#but yeah these are the songs i’ve already done :))#i still have a few inboxes left but i’ll get around them after next week when i finish my last uni things#spotify#playlist#song analysis
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hi guys, i'm not dead, just very tired and busy
#i'll be back after my finals are over. in 2 weeks <3#only 1 exam and 2 essays left!!#but i also need to stay overtime at work this week 😭 AND i'm very busy with some party stuff. (not the fun kind)#i miss watching dramas and being on tumblr so much i'm having withdrawal symptoms#a few days ago i was scrolling through my dash in a dream 💀#i thought i would be free & back here 2 weeks ago when the EP elections ended 🤣🤣🤣 and then my exams started#i need those 3 months off uni. and an indefinite break from politics.#k.txt
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#the corruption tma#the corruption#the magnus archives#tma#trypo tw#bugs tw#infection tw#kinda like a self portrait but with some Key Differences#corruption avatar#drawing#magnus archives#the magnus archive fanart#just left home for uni and feeling stressed so im back to the bugs babiieeeee#kinda just accepted that my old friends aren't going to bother with me anymore#got some new friends though and im chatting online with people i knew from middle school so im going alright#just feeling like shit because i forgot about a post lab test until 15 minutes after the deadline passed#should probably be sleeping or studying rn
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The surprising thing while reading The strange case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, is that the book doesn't show Jekyll is Hyde even when he dies. And then the truth is revealed through others' narrative when the story is almost finished
Anyway, the book is good. It's a nice gothic horror mystery novel to read
#dr jekyll and mr hyde#the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde#reading the book due to uni lecture#and i'm really enjoying it#i have one chapter left currently#really this is fun#personally it's better than what i heard of the musical's plot#i'd like to talk about more after final term exam
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