#or is anxious about wasting produce so you eat it all as fast as you can like I still do today

[atoasttotheendoftheworld]

I sometimes feel unsuitable to live.

More specifically, whenever I get a job interview. It's a feeling I can't explain, but I believe many feel it, perhaps all, at least once in a lifetime. However, the trouble comes when it lingers and you find yourself as an adult that no longer has the "excuse" of youth for not being what society requires from you.

A productive citizen.

That translates into a worker. A consumer. Someone that throws money flowing into circulation again, and keeps the capitalistic economy that grips us so tightly in any aspect of our lives going.

Then suddenly to live doesn't seem like a thing you can do anymore.

You breathe, walk, eat and sleep, yet you don't feel part of the process of living. Or rather, you don't feel part of the life process that you have been taught is right and correct.

You don't generate. You don't consume. You don't put money into circulation.

Suddenly, taking a walk in the woods is wasting time since it doesn't profit. Reading. Writing. Painting. Even baking a cake or sewing. All must earn a payback that you can then spend on other goods, other products.

For that is living: consume and consume again.

And if you don't work, whatever you do has no value anymore. For a pastime is such, and can be granted to you, only if it happens after you've contributed to the process of producing and consuming.

For simply living, because you are born, because someone has wanted you to be born, is no longer a valuable reason to exist once you cease to be a child, an adolescent and a student.

Once you become an adult you cannot simply live.

First and foremost, of your everyday and every hour, there must be the imperative of being part of a system. If you're not, you're a failure by default. A burden. A nothingness. A worthless human.

Then, abruptly, life becomes smothering.

As if drowning, you struggle and seek to rise to the surface, like everybody and with everybody. You search for jobs. Yet it always seems you're doing it poorly, coming in late, getting no place and everything looks all the more difficult. Even the simplest of tasks makes you anxious and nervous, for there are those who watch and say they want no mistakes, they won't allow slowdowns. All things must happen quickly, fast.

You must be able to do and do well, everything and immediately. No time to learn. No time to apprehend, not even what is new.

Because wasting time is a crime in this system here.

So anxiety rises, at every job interview you think, "Will I be good at it?" or "Will I be capable of doing it without becoming a nuisance to everyone?" and you don't know why, but you become afraid of it and assume that there isn't a job you're suited for. Although, deep down, you do know that truth is that you don't have to be suited to do some kinds of job. You just have to do it in order to serve.

Because it's the sole way the system has enforced to make us live.

Yet as you get home and resume sending out cvs and emails, you can't think of nothing but how damn unfit for life you feel.

And it's a shame, a real shame, that this feels too much alike a loss of liberty. And it's a damn shame, a cruel one, that in the end to be suited for living you should simply be willing to be glad about it. Existing and that's all it should be.

And yet.

Yet someone, someday, persuaded us that it needs a system to acknowledge your life's validity, and we all just nodded.

[denkineptune]

obey me + how they grocery shop

♡ did i write this at 4am? yeah <3 was it the most terrifying writing session i’ve ever had? definitely <33 but i like how this came out, esp lucifer’s!! i think i capture the tired single parent energy hehe

♡ i was wanting to make cute domestic headcanons but then i thought about the brothers freaking the hell out at a Trader Joe’s and i couldn’t help myself

fic details: 900 words, pretty crack-fic-y, not x-reader, edited but not great?? help

characters: all brothers + diavolo 

lucifer- the powerhouse

he has a list in his head of the dozens of things he needs to buy and he does not stray at all. his focus is horrifying and everyone in the aisles steer clear of him because he will run people over with the cart. lucifer is the only person who can be trusted to get the shopping done in a timely and efficient manner, so he’s memorized the store layout to cut down on time. he always has the exact amount of money + tip, and he’s notorious in the grocery store business for his laser focus. one of the reasons he’s so fast is because if he’s at the store, there’s nobody to stop his brothers from burning down the house.

final rating: 9/10 absolute unit, try not to scare the cashier next time

mammon- the chaotic cryptid

listen, you can’t count on him to get anything on the list. it’s like he goes out of his way to only get random shit. when he returns from the store, all the bags are full of junk food and not one vegetable. he terrorizes the grocery store because he treats carts and aisles like a racetrack. mammon whips around the corner with a cart with 20lbs worth of food, so be careful not to get absolutely wrecked by him. he almost always knocks something down and breaks it, ending up having to pay for it. the employees are seriously considering slapping him with a lifetime ban. whose bright idea was it to send Mammon to get essentials?

final score: 3.5/10, at least he technically got food?

leviathan- the anxious mess

no. don’t send him to the grocery store unless he’ll already be out and about. he’ll be reluctant to go in the first place, and when he gets there, his brain is fried. levi has forgotten to get the list and doesn’t know what they need at all, so he mindlessly drags himself around the store, trying to find an item that jogs his memory. he might get a few things that were needed, but ultimately not enough to last the next few days. he’d never ask an employee for help and goes to self-checkout to avoid embarrassing himself with interaction. afterward, levi stops at an anime store to relieve some tension, forgetting about the very melted ice cream in his bag.

final score: 4.5/10, beel doesn’t like when levi goes to the store

satan- the mom friend

pretty well put together! he made his own list and doesn’t stray too far from it. he ends up buying 1 or 2 things that are more indulgent, but he won’t tell anyone. it’s lucifer’s money, anyways. he’s much calmer than luci and doesn’t terrorize the store. people generally avoid him because he’s the avatar of wrath, and he’s completely fine with that-he didn’t come to the store to socialize. satan’s not afraid to ask for help finding a certain item, and uses a neat stack of coupons he got from the paper to help pay for the food. it’s not that they can’t afford it, but he doesn’t like wasting what’s basically free money.

final score: 10/10, completely normal shopping trip

asmo- bougie boi

mixed feelings on this one. asmo tends to go to the store with a strict goal and ends up derailed by a demon he met there. he gets the food, yeah, but it takes hours and hours, and beel has almost eaten levi by the time he returns. asmo insists on hours of preparation before going out so that he can be the prettiest person at the store. he gets the most expensive food because he wants ✨quality✨. asmo strikes me as a whole foods kinda guy- he wants to eat well to maintain his flawless appearance, so he shops somewhere he believes is more healthy. the final cost of the food ends up being more than he has on him, so he either seduces the cashier into letting him skimp out on a few bucks or calls lucifer to bring more cash.

7/10, if you’re not in a hurry, this is your guy

beel and belphie- two adorable messes

beel is never sent to the store alone. he’s banned from every grocery store in the devildom. not because he tries to eat all the food, but because he nearly buys the entire stock. belphie always goes with him, both to make sure beel is controlled and to make sure he doesn’t knock the hell out in the produce section. they complement each other well, and when they go together, the twins are pretty efficient. belphie chooses the food while beel carries the bags. belphie is weak for his brother and ends up getting a bit more food for beel.

final scores:

beel: 2/10, belphie 5/10

twins together: 8.5/10, pretty efficient and cute

diavolo- the puppy dog

he’s so excited to see more of his kingdom, he’s like a golden retriever. he spends hours in the store just looking at things. the employees are a bit intimidated but learn he’s very kind, so he gets multiple free samples. barbatos gets the groceries for dia so he can roam the store and talk to people. 

he wants to ride in the cart!! let him ride in the cart, barb ! there’s no room for the food, but look at that million dollar smile!! barbatos can’t resist diavolo so he’s forced to push this demon-giant around like a little boy. it’s quite great.

final score: 10/10 just because he’s adorable

anyways the bar is in hell haHA

[willowbird]

Hey! For the au + trope + prompt thing, could you do 1 for au, 9 for trope and 27 for prompt with pynch?

(P.S: I just remembered you have already done one with pynch, so you can do this one with another ship of your choosing if this one feels repetitive!)

Roommates AU, strangers to lovers, “that was a very bad idea. 0/10 would not recommend.” ~ for pynch!

I am more than happy to write 10,000 roommate aus for these idiots <3

---

It all started with an only mildly suspicious ad on craigslist:

Roommate needed $275/mo - utilities included must be ok with corvids good w/cars a plus - rent discount if u can prove it

Adam wasn't an idiot. He knew something that was too good to be true when he saw it. He also knew that answering a craigslist ad for a roommate was a good way to get stabbed, robbed, and God only knew what else.

And yet...

Sometimes, when your options were limited it really was better to take every possible avenue to get away from the devil you know - even if that means sharing a small apartment with the devil you don't.

Well, the devil and his pet raven. And really, Chainsaw was by far the more agreeable of the two.

That being said, it wasn't like Ronan was awful. He was an asshole, and he was downright grumpy bastard anytime before 11am. He listened to terrible music, if that trash could ever be considered such. Chainsaw was a sweetheart, though, always bringing Adam new shinies for his approval and sitting with him while he worked on a paper or research or any number of other assignments for his degree.

(Taking the risk that he had by jumping at that craigslist ad meant that he was able to cut back on his hours a little bit at work, go to school full time, and start amassing a savings account.)

And, okay, Ronan probably had some merits too. He could cook, for one thing. Not to say that Adam couldn't cook. He could - he just didn't like to. If it were up to him, he'd probably subsist on saltines and hard-boiled eggs. In fact, he had done exactly that for the first two weeks living with Ronan until the other man had dropped a full plate of breakfast in front of him, stole his crackers, and pointed at him. "Eat like a fucking grown-up," he'd said -and... well, that was that. Sure, Adam had tried to protest, but Ronan had just... started making food for the both of them and maybe if it was shitty food or even mediocre in quality Adam would have been able to ignore it - but it killed something inside Adam to waste food. Especially good food. And Ronan's food was fucking amazing.

So, there was that.

He also wasn't an absolute terror to be around. Having a conversation with Ronan Lynch was a choose-your-own-adventure novel written by very high geniuses. You really never knew what you were going to get and each alternate path was bound to be either completely bat-shit crazy or a humbling level of profound. Not only that, but Ronan didn't pull that alpha-male bullshit so many other men did where they refused to admit they didn't know something. No, when Adam proved that he knew what he was talking about when it came to cars, Ronan just said "teach me?" with such open intensity that Adam couldn't really tell him 'no', alright?

And then there were days like today, where Adam got home from an early shift at the garage to find Ronan sitting halfway out of their third-floor apartment, securing a thick rope to a hook above the window that definitely hadn't been there when Adam left that morning.

"Are you about to do something stupid again?" Adam called up to him as he got out of his car. Upon hearing his voice, Chainsaw (who had been circling anxiously above) crowed out a warbled imitation of speech that sounded a lot like 'Atom' and coasted down to him.

"Me? Stupid? Nah, this is gonna be fucking amazing," Ronan called back without looking away from his work.

Chainsaw landed on Adam's shoulder and clapped her beak affectionately near his ear. Adam dutifully lifted a hand to stroke at the soft feathers of her neck. If he also whispered 'hello beautiful girl, is your papa making trouble for you again?' it was between him and the bird and Ronan would never need to know.

Chainsaw crooned a tense 'kreh!' that Adam took as an affirmative.

"What exactly are you doing, Ronan Lynch?" Adam called up as he took another look at the setup, walking closer to the building. The rope that Ronan had just finished tying to the hook was already secured to a tree on the edge of the parking lot, the one that stood awkwardly out from the rest of the tree line. Their apartment complex was situated right on the edge of a forest preserve. A lot of Ronan's hair-brained ideas usually came back to the forest in one way or another.

"This is just a test run. If I can get it to work right, I'm going to set a line straight into the forest."

"Mm, yes, because... leaving civilization through a door is beneath you?"

Ronan paused, then grinned down at him, the expression somehow both boyish and savage in a way that always made Adam's heart jump for some reason. "Actually, yeah. Literally."

Adam rolled his eyes but didn't bother to fight the smile. "Punk."

"I resent that. I reject all labels, Parrish - you know that."

"Uh-huh. Sure. Well if you-- Ronan what are you doing?"

Ronan had produced what looked like a fucking tie (was that the one Ronan's brother Declan had been wearing when he came by for dinner a couple weeks back?) and had wrapped one end around his hand. As Adam watched, he flicked the loose end of the tie over the taut rope and then wrapped it around his other hand.

"Told you it was a test run, Parrish. That mean's I've actually got to test it."

"Ronan I don't think--"

But it was too late. Ronan had already jumped out of the fucking third-floor window like he was expecting to fly. For a second or two, he sort of did. The rope bowed but supported him and the smooth tie provided little friction as Ronan began to zoom down at a steep angle. Then the rope shuddered and went completely slack, the hook having torn free from the side of the building where it clearly had not been properly anchored. Ronan plummeted like a stone in a still pond.

"Ronan!" Adam did not make the active decision to move, but he was suddenly sprinting to where the jumbled heap of Ronan Lynch had landed on the rough pavement. Chainsaw had already launched ahead and was hopping around near Ronan's head, squawking out anxious reprimands of 'Kerah! Kerah!'

Adam skidded to his knees beside Ronan just as the other man was shakily trying to sit up. "What the FUCK Ronan Lynch!? What were you thinking!? You can't just jump out of a God-forsaken third-floor window like that. Do you want to be killed?" Adam didn't even care that the rural-Virginian flavor of his youth had coated his words in a thick batter, he was so mad.

Ronan blinked at him and there was a strange mix of confusion and pain and... something else on his face. "Scared, Parrish?" The words did not come out as teasing as they normally would.

"Scared? Scared? Of course I was scared. You... you fucking idiot!" Adam had to give himself a moment. He raked his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath, then another. He closed his eyes and tried to center himself. Fear and anger would get him nowhere, even if the fear had already set its nasty little hooks into each and every one of his nerve endings and the anger felt like the only way to burn them away.

A hand touched his shoulder, then his cheek. Adam opened his eyes and Ronan was wearing another indecipherable expression, his dark eyes hooded, his mouth pursed.

"Come on," Adam said as he leaned back so he could stand up. "Can you stand?" Chainsaw continued to hop around, but she'd stopped her distressed shouting, perhaps sensing that Adam was taking control and feeling more comfortable knowing that he would set things to rights, whatever that might mean.

Ronan was quiet for a moment, then seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts before giving a derisive snort. "It was just a little fall, Parrish, I'm --fuck!" Ronan had just tried to stand up, but his knee buckled out from under him as soon as he put his weight on it. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, alright. Alright. Shit. Fuck. That was a very bad idea. 0/10 would not recommend."

"The standing or the stupid fucking stunt you pulled jumping out of a goddamn window?" Adam asked. He attempted to make it as dry as possible, trying to get them back to some kind of equilibrium, but his heart was still racing a bit too fast and he could hear the angry bite in his own words.

Still didn't stop him from instantly stepping forward and catching Ronan, though. He wound an arm around Ronan's waist, guiding Ronan's arm over his shoulders so he could support him.

"The standing, of course. Shit! Ah... fuck. My idea for the apartment-forest zipline is fucking genius thank you."

Adam helped Ronan hobble forward, taking them back toward his car instead of the building. "Yeah. Right. Whatever you say, Lynch."

"Where are we going?"

"To the hospital, dumbass," Adam said with a roll of his eyes, all but shoving Ronan into the passenger seat. He held the door open for Chainsaw to be able to swoop in and land on the idiot's lap. The least Ronan could do was soothe her for the drive.

"You don't have--"

Adam cut him off with a glare. "We. Are. Going. To. The. Hospital. Am I being perfectly clear?"

"...yes." Ronan glared back, but then sank down in his seat, expression mulish.

Adam fixed him with a hard stare that lasted another few heartbeats, then gave a nod and snapped the door shut.

So yes, Ronan Lynch wasn't all that bad. Sometimes the devil you don't really is the better choice. Because sometimes that devil has a cute bird and makes good food and has great conversation. If he also scares the shit out of you on the regular and makes your heart race inexplicably, well, that's not so bad a deal. Right?

[flourishandblctts]

Home || 𝓒edric 𝓓iggory

ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴏ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴀᴍᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ -ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴜʀɴ

There were countless nights you lay in your bed letting the duvet cover the cold from you but it never seems to leave you alone, you toss and turn and try to find the right spot to fall asleep but this voice that calls you over and over again it will always make you cry out for his name in the silence of the night. 

Many have thought it would be easy to forget the boy who had the sun and stars around him, that in the room he lights up the whole atmosphere and he was someone you’d never forget crossing paths with, those smile, laugh, his voice and his grey eyes that reminds you of the moon. 

The moon, the moon that you look up to every now and then it was cold outside but you couldn’t careless because that moon up in the sky brought tears in your eyes, shutting everything off around you as you close your eyes and try to reminiscent the days that had left you behind. 

Suddenly opening your eyes you woke up in a familiar room, it smelt sweet and masculine at the same time, she was wrapped around a gray duvet and to her surprise she was wearing Cedric’s quidditch jumper she looked around and everything seemed normal as if he never left.

The door suddenly swung open revealing Cedric with his hair damped and a towel around the back of his neck as he wore a black shirt and gray sweatpants, his eyes met yours he instantly smiled seeing you awake “Good morning darling.” he plopped himself next to you and kissed both of your eyes and nose until he was kissing you all over your face causing you to giggle. You were lightly pushing him away but you enjoyed it when Cedric was like this and he just loves to shower you with all his love and affection he has for you. As he pushed you down to his bed and both your hands on his he looks down at you while that gorgeous smile never left his lips and his eyes shone like the moon at cold night. “Let’s come down everyone will be looking for us.” You nodded and he helped you up getting ready and he always love doing your hair ever since you taught him he likes doing your hair because he’s so proud he can do braids now. Standing in front of the mirror fixing your uniform Cedric stood behind you wrapping his arms around your waist as he placed his chin up top your head with a smile plastered on his face you looked up at him and just giggled at the sight of him like this. 

The day went by but it felt surreal, was this even a dream the last time you check you were outside admiring the moon but you just woke up being in his room and him being completely here, next to you, talking to you, beside you, and now as the night comes he insisted you sleep beside him which you did.  ‘if this was a dream I’d never want to wake up from it’ you thought to yourself and snuggled closer to Cedric as he moves closer to you and his arm tightly wrapped around you as it made you feel safe around him. 

The sunlight crept in behind the curtains, afraid that it was all a dream afraid to turn around and see him gone and that you slept in the cold again. You turned only to see Cedric still asleep, his eyes shut and his lips slightly parted you admire him a small smile made it’s way to your face you traced his nose, eyebrows, cheek bones, and down to his lips. He suddenly grabbed your wrist which took you by surprised and he shot his eyes open laughing at your reaction “I have been awake I was just waiting for you, but I must say I loved how your traced my face baby.” He kissed your hand and pushed you back down to his bed the duvet covering both of you as it was going to be a long Saturday morning.  The two of you decided to take a picnic outside he was carrying the basket while his other hand held your hands, you smiled at him as you both went to your spot which it was the one surrounded around roses he loved the smell the flowers produced and he told you roses reminds him of you because you love roses especially the pink ones. You suddenly remember when he was chasing after you before you two ever started dating he would leave pink roses for you until you said yes to him being his girlfriend.  It was until everyone was gathered around the great hall you sat next to Cedric who seemed to be anxious about something “is there something wrong Ced?” You asked him placing a hand under his chin making him look up at you as your eyes meet he just shook his head and rubbing your shoulders up and down “It’s nothing love, I’m fine.” You didn’t want to believe but you just decided to let it go. 

It wasn’t until Barty Crouch Sr. was talking beside Dumbledore, and you remember this was the Triwizard but you forgot who were in the games all you could remember was Fleur and Viktor being there, until it was time to announce who were going to participate in the games you zoned out trying to wrack your brain until it hits you- 

“Cedric Diggory!” You cried out causing everyone to look at you at the sudden outburst even the rest of the professors looked at you as fear was written all over your face, “you can’t join! Take him out.” You begged but then another note came out and Professor Dumbledore took it in his hands “Harry Potter” this was happening again but you thought you can save Cedric this time, “Professor it’s a trap Harry isn’t in the right age someone might have done that!” You said and the great hall was completely silent but your pleas could be heard from where Viktor, Fleur and Cedric were. “She seems to upset over something Diggory.” Viktor said looking at Cedric who was both hurt and confuse at your reaction to him participating in the triwizard, he expected you’d support him instead of pleading the professor to take him out.  Nothing worked you tried everything you could to take Cedric out of the triwizard but all you could do is make sure he was alright running up to him when he got burns from the dragon, not leaving his side making sure he was close to you it’s beginning again the nightmares. You sobbed from your pillow until it was soaked with your tears, you over slept and forgetting it was the 3rd task and Cedric was looking for you but you weren’t next to your friends Katie Bell and Angelina, you were nowhere to be seen. He even whispered next to his dad Amos Diggory.

“I haven’t seen her I just want to see her before the games.” Cedric said looking upset that the games might start and him not being able to see you first, in your dorm it was one of your dorm mates waking you up until you heard the canon shoot you suddenly bolted up, you mentally scolded yourself for crying all night and ended up being knocked out asleep you made your way sitting next to Katie and Angelina who looked at you “I overslept, where is he what’s going on?!” Your voice scared the two as you seem to be anxious over something “Y/n calm down it just started and Cedric was looking for you he asked for 15 minutes before the games start but they couldn’t wait any further more.” Katie said as she munch down at her chocolate frog and Angelina was eating Bertie Botts passing you one but you shook your head not feeling like eating and waiting for them to come out, Minutes pass your thoughts run wild and your heart thumping rather fast as Fleur was out and next was Viktor, he was still inside this made you even nervous if you should tell them or not because this had happened before and you don’t want to lose Cedric again.  You jolted up and ran to Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore, “something feels terrible inside the maze I’ve seen it before like a vision or a dream-” “Y/n the games is a dangerous one so please take a seat-” You didn’t like to be cut off but they should get it direct then “Cedric will die if you don’t take them out, Voldemort and the rest of the death eaters did this I know it, I’ve seen it so please take them both out of there.” You pleaded and everyone was looking at you for mentioning such to your own boyfriend’s death and Voldemort’s, Amos looked at you as if he believed you he went down and grabbed your arm but it wasn’t harsh rather gentle as he seem to be in disbelief “is this true? Please if it is take my son out.” Professor Dumbledore suddenly stood up but then the band started to play music causing you to turn your head and saw Cedric was alive and Harry who seemed to be happy that the two of them got the triwizard cup together. 

Not wasting any time you ran to Cedric and he opened his arm as your body collided with his you let out your sobs and he was rocking you back and forth, he was warm and you felt his breathing on your neck as he kissed your temple whispering “it’s okay I’m here, I’m here.” He was here. Here with you around your arms. 

“Darling please open your eyes, it’s time to come home.” You opened your eyes only to be greeted by the round full moon shining in front of you, you felt someone behind you-you turned to see Cedric’s ghost smiling at you like he always does when he sees you, walking closer to it but slowly it faded away into the cold night. 

“It has been years and your still the one I love Diggory, you  still have my heart.” You said to yourself but realize a yellow and gray scarf was wrapped around you but it only made you smile because this was his scarf that you never gave to him but he loves it when you wear his clothes. 

In the morning, your daughter was getting ready for her to return to Hogwarts she had dark brown hair and gray eyes a striking similarity to Cedric it was no lie that she is Cedric Diggory’s daughter she was in Hufflepuff like her dad and she was the seeker of her quidditch team, everything she was is very similar to her father. “Ready to go honey?” she stood up and took her trunk walking to Kings Cross and through platform  9 and 3/4 she saw her friends as he waved at them you smiled at the sight of your daughter who made many friends like Cedric did as well, she turned to you and ran up and hugged you tight. 

“Take care mom, I’ll see you in the holidays and I promise to write back.” She spoke rather fast as she was out of breath, you pushed her curls back and kissed her forehead. “I love you more sweetie, don’t do anything that will cause me to have a letter about your behavior.” Both of you laughed soon after the train was off and you watched her go, “You’d be so happy to see her Cedric.” You wrapped yourself with the yellow and gray scarf around you and walked out heading to work, as usual. The life you lived on after Cedric’s gone.

the gif is not mine, credits to the owner. 

[nonsensicalobsessions]

A Ruff Day

Author’s Note:

@catsladen wrote: Congrats my dear on your followers! That is amazing and so well deserved! Here’s a conversation prompt I found that I think you can do magic with: Person A: Why are you doing that? Person B: Doing what? Person A:Treating me like a person I picture either Tom or Loki, but I leave that up to you 😊 No smut necessary. Some fluff/angst mixture would be nice (Fangst? Anuff?) Thank you lovely!

After I wrote about having my lovely followers, Life came around and bit me, in the ass, hard. I was left with a large set of dentition marks and a massive infection known as “depression” in its wake. I say this because I know I’ve pretty much fallen off the face of Tumblr, and I am still clawing my way back. I do not have it nearly as bad as some, but I have it bad enough, and I will leave it at that.

When the events that I write about next happened in real life, I could not stop thinking about them, having worked in a veterinary hospital for three memorable years, and I ran the events through my head, over and over. I could see the events as they could have played out...might have played out...most probably played out in some aspects...and then this plot took root, and would not let go.

So, I apologize, @catsladen, for this is not the most original piece that I have ever come up with...in fact, it is derivative, and some may see it as a cheap rip off on a very real event. Still, it will not let me go, and as such, here it is. I present to you, A Ruff Day.

Working on federal holiday weekends in an emergency vet hospital always either dragged, or were so busy I could neither eat nor pee. Today seemed to be the former, and I was grateful for it. The techs were scattered around doing their busy work, while I closed myself in my office, tossing an oversized tennis ball in the air and catching it as I balanced on the back legs of a chair. I’ve done all my charting, there are no patients for me to check on. The last one through the door was a bulldog that came too close to a honeybee, and his already bulbous face swelled grotesquely. A shot of antihistamine, a script of Benadryl, then he and owner went off, right as rain. The airway was never compromised, all’s well that ends well...except for the bee, of course.

Kellie Ashe, one of the techs, came racing into the office without knocking, breathless. “You will no ever guess what is going on at intake!”

I jumped up, grabbing my stethoscope and mask (Thank you COVID) as I glared at her, “What is it and where is your mask?” The laws were quite clear, and stringent on this, and she had no mask on...and what was that twit doing? Brushing her hair and putting on eye makeup, what...? “Kellie! Focus! What is happening? Is it a hit and run, a delivery presenting badly...dog or cat...” I swear this girl has the brain of a flea...

“Tom Hiddleston is here with his dog!”

I look at her blankly. Nothing registered with me except one word—dog. “Kellie, what is wrong with the animal?” I asked, rushing to turn on the lights in the OR, making sure the X-ray machines were on and warmed up, the ultrasound is also on, and proceeding to the exam rooms, turning the lights on in one.

“It’s my turn to be the assisting tech so I ran back here to make sure you knew, it’s my turn not Claire’s, so I get to be the one in the room with you and Tom...”

I stop and freeze her with a glare. “Kellie, I don’t know what in the hell you’re blabbering about, but so far you have given me no information that has been useful to me. Therefore, there is no reason for you to be anywhere around me, the patient, or the owner. You can wait in the back.”

“What? But no...! I’m the one that ran back to tell you, I’m the one that should get to be in the....”

“If you were concerned with the animal you’d be there right now, but no, you were more interested in putting on mascara for chrissakes...get in the treatment room, I don’t even want to see you right now!”

I came to the front area to see a tall man, obviously the owner, who was obviously in a great deal of distress. “I don’t know how many he had..maybe one? It could have been two? And I don’t know if he chewed them, or swallowed them whole...” His voice was muffled by the mask we kept on hand to give to owners as they came in without masks, as they usually did, upset and stressed. Bright flowers covered the lower half of his face, but as I looked at his bright blue eyes, I finally understood what got Kellie in such a tizzy, and why there was an element of suppressed excitement that our usual emergency walk ins did not produce.

Next to him was a calmer woman, who was filling out some of the paperwork, and occasionally passing it to him to sign or for more information. “Tom, I really think it was only the one, and this is a bit over the top. One raisin isn’t worth all this...”

“A raisin, did you say?” My attention was now completely trained on the sad eyed chocolate spaniel at the feet of Claire Peyton, one of the calmest and best techs we had. She had already gotten a temperature and a weight from the little fellow, and was gently guiding the dog and owner into an exam room, while Liz, the receptionist, was explaining to the woman with the clipboard she could not follow us in because of the current COVID restrictions we were under. Only the owner was allowed in the exam room, because of the laws about remaining so many feet apart...and the worst part was, we couldn’t even allow her to wait in the interior waiting room, but she was welcome to stay on the screened porch we were using at the moment. She wasn’t thrilled, but she was accepting.

I quietly introduced myself. “Hi, I’m Dr. Diana Harris, and I’ll be helping...” “Bobby,” the man said quietly. “This is my...Bobby.”

“Okay Bobby, come here and let me look at you, you scoundrel...stealing raisins, are we? When did this happen, Dad?”

“Tom,” he said, distracted. “About ten minutes ago...maybe twenty. I saw that he was snuffling around the plate, and all the biscuits were gone...so were the little cheese squares...and there had been five raisins before, I am sure of it, and when I picked everything up, I only saw four...”

“Very precise,” I noted mildly as I listened to Bobby’s heart and lungs, which were both within normal limits, and made a hand motion for Claire to make a note of it.

“What’s that, that hand signal, what did that mean?” Oh, wow. Tom is very, very upset.

“It’s a signal I’ve developed with my techs to let them know that the patient’s heart and lungs are fine without having to take the time to say it, Tom,” I reply, keeping my life low and mild. The owner’s agitation is passing along to the little spaniel, who is looking around and panting.

“He keeps doing that, he’s panting and looking upset, is he in pain?”

“Claire, liquid charcoal according to weight please,” I murmur, and she promptly replied, “On it,” and she excused herself to open the door...only to find Kellie standing there, clearly eavesdropping. The look I gave Kellie had her scampering...but oh, it will not be far enough. Luckily, Tom did not notice.

“Okay, Tom, here’s how it stands.” I leaned against the exam table, Bobby quivering in Tom’s arms. “You did exactly the right thing bringing Bobby here, and so quickly. Raisins are extremely toxic to dogs, and the fact you got him here so fast really speaks to how much you care about this little guy...so give yourself some credit...”

“I told her...I told her I didn’t want them around where he could get to them...the Bobster is a bit of a food thief,” he muttered.

“Ok, so you’re telling me he’s a dog,” I drily replied. “Anyway, we’re going to take care of this issue right now. I’m going to take Bobby to the back and...”

“Oh no, can’t I go with him?”

Somehow, I saw this being his response. “Tom, we are going to give him some liquid charcoal. It looks like black sludge and it tastes like garbage. He isn’t going to want to take it so we are going to administer it in a way that he will have no choice but to swallow it, but there will most likely be some spluttering. This stuff is a bear and a half to get out of clothes so you do not want to be within spitting radius...and then this little charmkins, after he gives us a horrible stink eye, is going to proceed to vomit, probably in the messiest manner possible, just for spite and revenge, and I don’t blame him one bit. Again, you do not want to be in range! Then depending on what he gives me back, we can go from there. So no, I think it best you stay here...you can wait with your girlfriend, if you want, and I will be right back when I have something to tell you. I promise we aren’t going to hurt him, but we have to get this out, right away.”

“Right, right...don’t waste time talking to me...I’ll just...sit here, if that’s okay.” 

“As you wish, Tom.”

I took the leash from his hand gently. His hands were so cold, I felt pity for him. “I’ll take good care of him, I promise,” I said, and left him standing there, bereft.

Bobby walked with me well enough, and I took him to the treatment area to find Claire had already drawn up the appropriate amount. She quickly got the dog in the appropriate position, and I propped his mouth open carefully and quickly administer the liquid yuck and then closed my hand over his muzzle, blowing softly to stimulate the swallowing reflex. His eyes bulged at the foul concoction, and I tenderly explained,”Ah, such are the wages of sin, my dear thief...and it tastes like ass. Down the hatch...” He swallowed, and I gave Claire the unspoken head nod to release him and step back, which she did...as did I...and Bobby, outraged at this poor treatment, proceeded to sputter and spit like a world champion. Black froth went everywhere, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his outraged expression. “Yes Bobby, that’s right. But I’m sorry, it’s going to get much worse before it gets better...”

After a few minutes, he aggrieved expression turned into the anxious canine smile that presaged a good vomiting session, which was exactly what we wanted. I let him pace about in a small area, until finally he let nature take its course and released the contents of his stomach. Ah, joy, what every veterinarian struggled and sweat blood for, the contents of a dog’s stomach...or a cat, we’re not picky...and hey, I’ll take that over shit, any day...

“Good boy, there’s a good boy,” I soothed him as he retched. He was as miserable as you’d expect, and I kept smoothing my hand over his heaving flanks. I didn’t care about my shoes, they were already black, and just for this reason. Soon I saw a lone offender, and I called for a pair of tweezers to pluck it from the mess and place it on a paper towel. Claire was also consoling the sad little fellow, who was, I hope, reconsidering his evil ways, as I then took a tongue depressor and poked through everything he so woefully bestowed upon us. Yep, cheese...chewed up crackers...mmm, that sausage looked like it was probably expensive...but no other raisins. Just the one. Plus, it hadn’t been chewed, either, excellent! Best of all, it was caught up in all this other stuff. Perfect. Couldn’t ask for better, really.

“Kellie!” I called out. When she didn’t appear right away, my heart sank and my anxiety rose. She wasn’t...she didn’t...

“Hold the leash,” I barked and walked swiftly back to the exam room, and sure enough, I heard her syrupy tones inside...I saw red.

I opened the door carefully, to find her talking to Tom who was standing in almost a corner while she was yapping away. I must have had a look on my face like an avenging goddess, because she immediately began stammering, “I just thought...I could stay and keep Tom company...while you were working with Bobby...”

“Stop thinking, Kellie, it only gets you into more trouble, and it probably strains the gerbils,” I replied softly. “I have a job for you. In the back treatment area. Where I told you to be. Go there. Now.”

She turned towards Tom and said, “So, um...”

“NOW.”

She jumped and scuttled away like a crab facing a boiling pot. Oh, sister...

Tom was blushing and looking at his feet. “It happens all the time. Please don’t be too angry with her...how is Bobby?”

“Bobby is doing excellently and is a trooper. I will be back with you in just a moment. Just...give me a second.”

I flew to the back to find Kellie cowering in a corner. I took a deep breath, and spoke very, very quietly. “You are on such thin ice with me that if you so much as open your mouth, the displaced oxygen pressure will crack the ice and you. Will. Drown. Now. You are going to clean up all of this lovely mess to a surgical grade sterility. I will want to perform open heart surgery on this floor when you are finished. Are we quite clear? Nod if you understand me, Kellie, because you are on such. Thin. Ice.”

Kellie looked around here with dismay. It really was a disgusting mess, and she knew I was going to get down on my hands and knees and inspect the wretched baseboards before all was said and done. I was that pissed.

Claire asked quietly as we walked away, “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t think he absorbed anything. Tom acted too fast, the raisin wasn’t in any way chewed or showing signs of digestion, and it was mixed up with everything else. But pull blood for a CBC-SMAC so we can have a baseline for his kidney values just in case. Better safe than sorry. And then clean up this sad little urchin. I hope you understand now, young man, that crime does not pay...” He looked positively desolate, with his muzzle coated in the foul substance he had to drink and then give back. Activated charcoal really is the worst.

“I’ll make him presentable again. Back in a few.”

I took a deep breath and went to apologize to Tom. Oh, this was going to be fun...

I found him pacing the tiny room, looking at the posters instructing about heartworm prevention and feline leukemia vaccines. “Tom, I really must apologize...”

“No, you don’t. She’s young. It happens all the time,” he tried to brush it off.

“Not when I’m in this hospital, it doesn’t. I’d already given her explicit instructions because she was star-struck, and I will not have it. When someone comes in our door, I don’t care who is on the end of the leash, or holding the carrier. It is irrelevant. What matters is the animal. I give the same treatment and quality of care to the cat from the post office as...well...”

“The dog of some poncy actor,” he concluded wryly.

“Hey, I kinda like some of that poncy actor’s work, so less of that,” I griped, as I blushed and rubbed my forehead, mainly to hide my embarrassment. “Bobby came through wonderfully, and you were right, it was only one raisin...and some crackers, cheese, and what looked like some tasty cold cuts as well. What is great is the raisin wasn’t bitten into or showing any signs of digestion, and as it was caught up in his other ill gotten gains, I think it is safe to say he really got lucky...that, and the fact you acted so quickly. Normally, we’d be talking about having to administer fluids, and have him stay at least overnight to make sure his kidneys were not showing any adverse effects...yes, it is that serious. Especially for a little fellow of Bobby’s size. But he should be fine. I want you to make sure he has access to lots of water. I am having a full blood panel pulled to get a baseline of his kidney values now but that is really just a precaution for when you bring him back to his regular veterinarian...”

“You can’t see him again? He hasn’t needed a vet since we’ve arrived, and I never anticipated having to stay as long as we have...but what if he gets sick, or needs his vaccines updated, can’t we come back here...?”

“Tom, this is an emergency vet hospital, I’m only here on the off hours. My clinic is...well, not here,” I floundered.

“May I have your card, then? I’d really like for you to keep overseeing him...continuity of care, you know,” he trailed off.

“Uh, sure...” I fished one out of my lab coat pocket and gave him one. He looked at it and said, “What should I be looking for, what if he starts getting ill again?”

“Tom, I really don’t think...”

“I can bring him back here, I suppose, I just want to know what symptoms...you said kidney damage...”

“Tom, kidney damage isn’t something you can readily observe...”

“But what if he starts getting that look again, and starts pacing, maybe he’s in pain and can’t tell me...”

“Tom.” He stopped rambling and I held my hand out for my card. Like a child, he held it to his chest. “No, please, I’ll stop...”

“Just give me the damn card, will ya?” I all but yanked it out of his hand, and wrote something on the back. “That is my private cell number. Do not call it, ever! I hate phone calls! Text me. I promise I will lose the cell number you send it from. If you have any questions you can send me video or photos or whatever. Text me...whenever. But keep in mind he picks up on your cues and if you are nervous, he gets nervous. If you are excited, he gets excited.”

He looked at it incredulously, and before he could protest, I waved it off. “Just don’t...I did the same thing for Mr. Puddles.”

“Mr. Puddles,” he repeated dumbly.

“The post office cat...urinary tract infection...anyway.”

Those bright blue eyes stopped staring at the floor impaled me, and said abruptly, “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Treating me like a person.”

I looked at him steadily and replied, “Because to me, that’s what you are...you’re Bobby’s person. And...well, I know you probably weren’t supposed to stay here this long. You most likely want to go home, be with your family, what is familiar, and god knows what you are living in, some hotel or something suitably sterile...Right now, we all want to hold onto our loved ones a little bit tighter, a little bit closer. I can tell that for you, that’s Bobby. You love him a lot, and take great care of him, even to taking him to an emergency vet on a holiday weekend when the weather is gorgeous and your girlfriend says maybe you could just stay home.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Huh?” Such was my elegant reply.

“No, she’s wonderful, and we’re very close, but it’s not...we’re not...”

I hold my hands up in the air. “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain anything to me...”

 “No I just, erm...”

We spent time admiring the floor when Claire came back, with Bobby cleaned and even faintly smelling of grooming spray, as well as being freshly brushed. 

“Bobby!” Tom cried out, and even though I could not see his smile, I could hear it in the real joy in his voice. Bobby wriggled his behind and danced as he all but leapt into his master’s...excuse me, person’s arms.

“Well, that should settle everything,” I smiled.

“Just a moment.”

I looked up at Tom, confused. He sounded almost stern.

“I think Bobby and I could use some photographs to commemorate the great care that he received here...for our scrapbook.”

“Scrapbook? Really, Tom?”

“Instagram,” he immediately amended.

The buzz that went through the building, I swear was palpable. Of course, I even allowed Kellie to get in the photo, because I am not that bad...and if her scrubs were stained with dog vomit, well, you couldn’t really see. Much. And of course we all had to keep our masks on, so I personally thought it was the dumbest idea I’d heard in a long time, but I wasn’t going to go against the idea. I might have found three of my tires slashed and my favorite coffee mug broken, if I had...and I really like that mug, plus tires are not cheap.

Everyone took their photos, hugged Bobby, gave Tom an elbow bump, and he, Bobby and Not-Girlfriend went on their way...then I went back to my office, made sure everything was documented, and went back to my oversized tennis ball.

I thought everything was over. I could not help was smiling, despite myself. Not too shabby of a way to spend a holiday weekend, making a movie star dog’s throw up...this is why I went through all those years of school, I laughed at myself as I sat down with my frozen pizza and lemonade. I even made a bag of popcorn.

Then, at about ten o’clock, my phone buzzed. I picked it up, expecting it to be my mother, who sometimes forgot about this thing called “time zones” since she moved to Arizona...

Instead, there was a photo of a happy, smiling man, without a mask, and his happy, smiling dog. A text read, “To my favorite doc: Thanks again for helping me. Telling dad all about how the wages of sin taste like ass.”

I winced. I had no idea he’d overheard that.

So I sent a photo back of me. Without my mask, or makeup, or getting a hairdo, because in front of me was the best makeup job ever—my Corgi, Cheeks.

The attached text said, “Stop licking it then...and she says you are very welcome. I don’t know what you did, bro...but check your balls.”

The phone buzzed yet again, this time without a photo, “Thanks a LOT. Now I’m really in trouble...! TH”

“Sorry. Cheeks is still sore over that one. It happened about two months ago and he is still telling the world what a horrible human I am. DH”

“Bobby wants to know...perhaps Cheeks would like to get acquainted and play sometime soon? The dog park close to your clinic looks promising.”

“Cheeks thinks that would be amazing. He is still very much a puppy and has a lot of energy to burn. He’d love a friend to tear around with instead of trying to wrap his leash around my ankles.”

“Maybe...we could have some coffee while they wear each other out?”

“That sounds like a fantastic plan.”

“Could we say...9:00 Wednesday morning?”

“Yes, I’d like that. I’ll be the half asleep one with the hyperactive pooch, I won’t have hours until one o’clock that afternoon.”

“I’ll be the tall one...wearing a mask that is not covered with flowers.”

I laughed out loud.

“I think we will find each other well enough.”

There was a brief pause, and then, “Yes, I think we have. Goodnight, Cheeks, and Diana.” 

“Goodnight, Bobby and Tom...it’s been a ruff day.”

“...I can’t believe you said that.” 

“XD woof.”

Tagging all my littermates: @catsladen, @villainousshakespeare, @winterisakiller, @vodka-and-some-sass, @yespolkadotkitty, @just-the-hiddles, @hopelessromanticspoonie, @theheartofpenelope, @sabine-leo, @wegingerangelica, @ciaodarknessmyheart, @wrathkitty, @rhemasky, @sourpatchkidsandacokecan, @redfoxwritesstuff, @the-insomniac-cat2, @alexakeyloveloki, @myoxisbroken​, @toomanystoriessolittletime​, @ladyfluff, @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi​

[iamtheblondestblonde]

Slides and Serendipity

Part 7 (4.2k)

Masterlist

Warnings: Broken heart for Bennguin shippers, (slightly, I’m talking veeeery slightly implied sexual content like it’s nothing explicit?) and also language

My hangover thankfully wasn’t as bad as I’d anticipated, probably because I stayed clear of wine this time. I even woke up earlier than I’d anticipated but that was only due to Yogi jumping on my bed. How I’d managed to carry him up the stairs without falling while also half asleep would forever remain a mystery unsolved.

I checked my phone to go look at the pictures from last night but then I saw a text from Tyler, asking if I was ready for breakfast yet. In my sleep deprived state I’d completely forgotten about his invitation from last night. I told him I’d be over in a few and then hopped under the shower, something I’d skipped last night because I’d been afraid that I’d fall asleep while standing up.

Whenever I went out I usually only drank until I had a good buzz going but last night I guess I hadn’t stopped early enough so the alcohol had practically knocked me out as soon as I was outside. 

After changing the bed sheets to get rid of the smell of clubbing I finally made my way over, Yogi excitedly bouncing ahead. Tyler’s dogs were howling as soon as I rung his doorbell which of course made Yogi even more excited. I was a bit anxious to see if he would tried to bring up my not so subtle move from last night. While having him strip me down to my underwear had sounded like a great idea last night, I had probably taken it a bit too far in hindsight.

“Hey, no skates today?”, Tyler greeted me and I reached up to hug him while Yogi was running around him, effectively tying him up. He was wearing a hoodie with grey shorts that made it really hard to look anywhere else and I was really tempted to make fun of the way he’d pulled up his socks too high.

“Nope and I already regret it, he has way too much energy right now.” I tried my best to untangle the leash from Tyler’s legs but now his labs were there too demanding attention and it was just one big chaotic mess. Four dogs was a bit much at times like this but I eventually managed to get everything back under control, Tyler hadn’t made an attempt to help me at all and had instead only laughed at my struggle. Yogi and Gerry disappeared together into the backyard and Cash hopped up on the couch while Marshall stayed by my side.

“Are you hoping I’ll make you some breakfast Marsh?”

“He’s not the only one you know.” Tyler’s pout was cute, an adjective that I never thought would fit a guy like him. He was probably the only guy in the world that managed to look adorable and sexy at the same time and it was really distracting.

“What if I only came over so you could make me grilled cheese tho?”

“Then I’ll gladly oblige your wish, ma’am.”

I threw Yogi’s collar at him for calling me ma’am but of course he caught it before it hit his face like it was supposed to. Stupid fast reflexes.

“One more ma’am and I’ll never make food for you again”, I threatened with my finger pointed at him and I could see that it cost him his last bit of self-control to not respond with a ‘yes ma’am’. The salute he gave me in turn wasn’t any better.

“I was actually planning on making something else but I need to check if you have all the stuff for it first because your grocery shopping is anything but top notch.”

He complained to Marshall about me only ever insulting him but Marshall followed me to the step as I walked into the kitchen, not caring about the little crisis his dad was having at all.

For being a pro athlete his fridge and pantry were terribly stocked and it reminded me of the time I spent in the college dorms. The amount of beer in his fridge was equivalent to a frat house and the only thing missing to complete the college student life were the instant ramen cups.

“You should be glad that the nutritionists an trainers don’t visit your house”, I scolded him. He had some fresh produce around but not nearly as much as I’d liked. As I kept pulling out stuff the pile on his kitchen island kept growing after I finally decided on omelette with some avocado toast. The avocadoes were at the tipping point of being too ripe and I didn’t want them to go to waste.

“Well I’m sorry that my kitchen doesn’t look like a Whole Foods ad the way yours does. As soon as the season starts up again I’ll either be gone or eat the majority of my meals at the rink like most of the guys so I don’t see why I should stock up.”

He did have a point but to me a homecooked meal beat everything, even if cooking for just one person was always a bit of a hassle that always resulted in leftovers. Since my move I had been living on my own for the very first time ever and I had to admit that I missed cooking for other people as well.

“Well I’m teaching you how to make the perfect omelette today anyway. You really need to learn to take better care of you and your body.” I made him help me chop stuff to put in the omelette and instantly felt reminded of all the times I’d tried to teach Lisa to cook. She’d been hopeless as well but as soon as we moved off campus during our sophomore year I’d took her under my wing, making a decent cook out of her by the time we moved to Denver. I was convinced I could do the same with Tyler.

He knew how to handle a knife at least and while he mixed everything together I took care of the avocadoes and tomatoes. I tested what he remembered from my spice lesson, letting him make suggestions as to what could go well with our food and he did better than expected, only messing up once.

“No no no you need to turn down the heat or you’ll burn it before the eggs are done”, I said and quickly reached around him so I could reach the stove and save our breakfast. He looked so determined with the spatula in his hand, I knew that he really wanted to do well and was trying his best.

He had put on a snapback a while ago so his hair wouldn’t fall in his face and I already missed his messy bedhead. Without produce his hair looked so soft and all over the place and I really wanted to run my hands through it as much as I could. He really was a walking temptation and every time we spent time together I could feel my resolve weaken.

After everything was done I tried to tell Tyler that the presentation of the food was important as well but he took a bite out of his toast before I was even done putting the tomatoes on it. Sighing I grabbed my plate and walked outside so we could enjoy our breakfast in the sun. I still managed to sneak a picture of our plates before Tyler proceeded to eat his food at a speed that shouldn’t be possible.

I was nervous to meet this Jason guy because I really really hoped that our dynamic would work out. I had looked up some more people that I could meet over the next few days but I really wanted to trust Mia’s judgement.

I even had the cleaning lady come over yesterday so every surface in my house was shining and I’d done some last-minute decorating in the office. My degrees were now on the wall, the online Master of Software Engineering not as pretty as the undergrad degree in computer science from MIT but I still didn’t regret taking online classes instead of real ones. My success during college had given me lots of opportunities that I would forever be grateful for, one of them being the job offer to Denver straight out of college. The experience I had gathered over the last three years working was better than anything I could be taught in stuffy classrooms.

Mia arrived a bit before Jason and this way she’d be there to introduce us properly. It was good to have some one-on-one time with her while we waited, something we’d never really had. Since we didn’t study together Lisa and I would usually only see her when going out or meeting up in groups but it was nice to actually have normal conversations with her.

I didn’t want to create a stiff office atmosphere which is why I was now dressed in jeans and a nice top. Mia was wearing a summer dress and Jason had put on a button up but still managed to look casual. Yogi was sniffing him curiously before plopping down on his bed in the living room again, deciding that this was beneath his attention.

We shook hands and I led them to the office while starting some casual conversation. My desk was already set up and Mia had already told me her hardware preferences so there was some stuff waiting for her which she inspected while I talked to Jason. The conference table really came in handy at this part.

He was funny and gave off a pretty chill vibe but I still had to see some references because unlike with Mia I had no idea if he was any good at what he did.

He was good, better than expected and a while later I was sold on him. He seemed happy with what I was willing to pay and character wise he was a perfect fit for the team. I told them both about the requests I had already lined up and they both seemed super excited to start.

“So you think you can start next Monday?”, I asked after I’d finally satisfied my curiosity and his face lit up as if he thought I wouldn’t offer him the job.

The three of us moved towards the kitchen to get something to drink because all of this talking had made us thirsty. Mia was just telling me that she’d come over tomorrow with Elias after picking him up from daycare when I heard my front door open.

“Hey sorry I kept texting you but you didn’t respond and it’s already half past two so I thought I’d check up on you.” It took a few seconds before Tyler’s words registered with me. I hadn’t even realized that it had gotten this late and that I was supposed to meet up with him half an hour ago to go roller skating with him and Yogi. He walked into the living room and then did a double take when he saw all of us lingering by the kitchen island.

“Oh shit you have company.. I’m sorry but uh hey everyone I’m Tyler”, he introduced himself and waved at Mia and Jason with one hand, a pair of skates in the other. Only now did Yogi wake up from his nap and as soon as he realized what was happening he ran over to Tyler who was now crouching down so he could pet him.

“Holy shit you’re Tyler Seguin! This day just keeps getting better and better”, Jason exclaimed, almost spitting out the sip of water he’d just taken.

“Tyler who?”, Mia asked then and I had to laugh. She had never been interested in watching sports and it was nice to see that nothing had changed in that department at least.

Tyler was still awkwardly standing in the living room and I walked over to give him a hug before turning around to explain to Mia that he was a hockey player for the Dallas Stars and also my friend. At least she’d heard of the team name before. I introduced Mia and Jason as my new team to Tyler and Jason shook his hand excitedly before congratulating him on his amazing last season.

“I know you’ll do even better this year”, Jason said and I was pretty sure that I was the only one that had caught Tyler wincing at the statement. He’d told me how much the expectations of the fans and the rest of the team really weighed on him even if people only meant well.

After Mia and Jason had left Tyler tried to apologize for interrupting again but I wouldn’t let him. It was my fault that I’d forgotten to check my messages for well over three hours so really it was my turn to apologize.

I ate a quick snack before grabbing my roller skates and Yogi and then we were out the door. Even if Yogi was still too small to pull Tyler, he’d told me that he still wanted him to come with us when we had talked about going skating.

We skated around the neighborhood, Yogi’s leash loose in my hand while we made some casual conversation.

It turned out that pulling Tyler was harder than it looked, not because of his weight but because grabbing his hand didn’t leave much space between us to gain the momentum or speed that was needed.

“Your arms are so short. The next time we do this I’m putting a leash on you as well���, Tyler joked and I tried to hit him but of course he simply swerved until he was out of my reach. He was surprisingly graceful for a guy his size.

Sometimes he’d take Yogi’s leash to try and outrun him on the skates but despite his impressive speed he was no match for my husky mix. After I’d taken way too many videos and they managed to tire each other out we made our way back to my house.

“Hey so you know I’m leaving for camp Thursday afternoon but I’m having an end of summer party on Wednesday over at my place and you should come too”, he said as we were skating up my driveway. I could tell that he was really excited, both for camp and the party.

“Of course I’ll come. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“No you don’t need anything I’ve got it covered. Most of the guys from the team are going to be there and some close friends so you’ll have the girls to keep you company as well.”

Tyler wasn’t lying when he said that his place would be packed. The weather wasn’t too spectacular today so nobody was in the pool, making the house and backyard seeming even more crowded. He’d told me to bring Yogi as well, seeing as there wouldn’t be any super loud music tonight and as soon as I had him off the leash he was walking around the room, basking in the attention.

The girls spotted me before I could even look for Tyler and pushed a drink at me before we caught each other up on the last few days. They were really interested in what had happened with Tyler after he had picked me up from the club and it took me several tries until I had finally convinced them that there wasn’t really any tea to spill. I was introduced to even more wives and girlfriends and I was happy to get to know everyone, having always been a social butterfly.

I finally spotted him across the living room and excused myself to go say hello.

“No bikini today?”

“No it’s too cold to go swimming today.”

“That’s too bad because I really like what happened last time in the pool.”

Before I could even respond to his flirty remark I was being dragged away from him and towards the beer pong table that was set up on the outdoor patio. I was glad I’d brought a sweater with me this time. The dogs were chasing each other around the pool but even they didn’t feel like going into the water today.

“I need a rematch to make up for last time”, Roope said after finally letting go of me, settling on the other side of the table with Rads.

“Two on one? That hardly seems fair”, I pouted and tried to get Dobby to join my team as he was closest but he just laughed at me and refused, sitting back on a chair to watch instead.

“Let me help her drink at least”, Tyler insisted from behind me and I hadn’t even noticed that he stood so close to me until he spoke up

“No need to play hero Segs, you know the girl can drink”, Rads said and gave Tyler a stern look until he backed off with his hands raised in surrender. I had to smile at the compliment, a Russian being impressed by your drinking skills was serious business. I sighed as I realized that there was no getting out of this and cracked my knuckles to get ready. I needed to make this a quick win because I noticed that they’d filled my cups a bit more than usual and I really didn’t want to drink this much beer before dinner.

We had gathered quite the crowd over the course of the game that was now witness to me absolutely destroying the two of them. They had only managed to hit two cups of mine while I was on my second try to make the last shot so I would win after some double scores. The girls were cheering on me while their boyfriends were supporting their teammates. With each point that I’d made the chirping had increased and now neither of us three could make a move without there being screaming from all sides. I only knew a few words in Russian and had no clue about Finnish but even I could tell that whatever was coming out of my opponents’ mouths was anything but pretty.

“You got this Liv, show ‘em how it’s done!”, Katie yelled and I blew her a kiss.

“You better miss”, Jamie said, which earned him a light punch to his shoulder from his girlfriend. I closed my eyes for a second to concentrate and then made my shot.

Groans and high pitched screams rose as the ball tipped into the cup, making me the winner. I was hugged from multiple people at once and Tyler lifted me to spin me around. He was the only one from the team that had been on my side.

“How are you so good at this?”, Roope asked, his accent stronger because of the frustration. Tyler was smirking down at me, probably thinking of the time he’d asked me the same question.

“I take in the wind and the distance to calculate the perfect throwing angle.”

“Really?”, Rads now asked, his eyes big.

“No, you guys just suck.”

Tyler had asked some people to man the grill and we didn’t have to wait long until the delicious smell of steaks was wafting around the property, which I was thankful for because I had been looking forward to this part all day. I grabbed some food and sat with the girls, resuming our discussion on which potato form was the best. Wedges, obviously.

After dinner some people left and everyone else proceeded to get even more drunk. I could tell that this was the last time that the guys would be able to really relax because they had all kinds of stupid ideas. At some point Tyler had taken off his shirt and while I certainly wasn’t complaining about the view I still had to laugh at him taking whatever chance he got to strip. Perhaps a trade to the Golden Knights would allow him to flourish in this side business. Jamie was the most fun to watch because with every drink he got less and less shy until Tyler and him were running around the house laughing their asses off and jumping on each other.

“Bennguin is real, get used to it”, Katie commented with a sigh and her exasperated expression had me laughing so hard that I had to put my drink down so I wouldn’t spill it all over the couch we were currently on. I could only imagine the amount of shit she’d had to put up with because of these two acting like children.

“I want to play a gameeee”, Tyler whined and I already knew that nothing good come out of the look he was giving his friends. With all the alcohol going around everyone had loosened up and it didn’t take long until I was dragged into a round of ‘never have I ever’ on the floor of Tyler’s living room.

“You guys didn’t go to college and it really shows”, Katie commented and I had to agree with her. We’d made it our personal mission tonight to make as much fun of Tyler and Jamie as possible. I’d played the stupid game so many times, usually at frat parties so they could expose the virgins but I also couldn’t wait to see what I could learn about these big dumb idiots.

The first few questions were timid and I could tell that everyone was still trying to figure out how far everyone was willing to go to expose their secrets, especially with some of the partners present, but every new statement pushed further.

“Never have I ever had a threesome.”

I didn’t even pay attention to who had said it, going around the circle having long been abandoned in favor of someone randomly throwing in questions.

Even though I had been absolutely plastered that night, I still remembered this particular event, one of the very few one night stands that I’d ever had. We’d started day drinking even before breakfast on a boat off the shore of Ibiza and while I wasn’t even into girls, lots of shots and pitchers filled with sangria had led to me tangled in the bed sheets with some hot guy that I didn’t even remember the name of and Lisa. The guy didn’t really know what to do with the both of us at the same time, so we had to get creative and I’d vowed to myself that I would stick to guys after, scarred for life.

As I raised my cup to my lips I noticed that Tyler was about to do the same so I raised my cup towards him in a toast. I only hoped his experience had been better than mine.

“You two are perfect for each other”, Rads said with an eyeroll but I only laughed.

“You had a threesome and this is the first I’m hearing of this?”, Katie yelled from beside me and I turned just in time to see Jamie lowering his cup across the room after having taken a sip.

“Holy shit! Was it with Tyler?”, I asked, knowing full well what was said about them on Tumblr because of Mara. The way both of them visibly recoiled at my words should have been preserved for eternity. Sadly that didn’t happen.

“No! What the fuck Liv?” Tyler’s disturbed exclamation had me leaning on Katie, who was now also shaking with laughter, the news of her boyfriend’s sexual adventures momentarily forgotten.

“Do you hear the sound of millions of Bennguin hearts breaking?”, she asked in between shaky breaths and now we were lying back on the floor, tears threatening to run down my cheeks from laughing so hard.

“I just want to make it clear that I only took a sip because I was thirsty. I wasn’t paying attention and besides you know I would’ve told you babe”, Jamie spoke up after Katie and I had finally calmed down again. The alcohol had made everything ten times funnier than it probably actually was but Katie and I were still clutched together and she only waved at Jamie in dismissal. I would’ve had to reevaluate my people reading skills if he actually had taken part in a threesome because there was no way I could’ve seen that coming.

Our loud cackling must have woken up the dogs from their nap because now Yogi was trying to snuggle up against me while Gerry curiously looked around, probably trying to figure out why there were so many people stretched out on the floor. As soon as Yogi had made himself comfortable with his head on my lap Gerry came over as well, lying down on my legs. There was close to a hundred pounds of dog on top of me but I couldn’t be happier, gently petting them while completely forgetting that we were playing a game at the moment.

Alcohol mixed with cuddly puppies, the greatest thing since long before sliced bread.

Tyler insisted on taking a picture of the three of us all snuggled up and then proceeded to beg until I finally let him post it to his story. Me giving in didn’t come as a surprise, I was this close to doing almost anything he wanted me to after all. I wouldn’t let him tag me though, desperately trying to hold on to the last shred of anonymity , and dignity, that I still had left. 

Part Eight here

[gb-fics]

The One Who Hurt You

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: Some of you may be able to tell from the title, but this fic is referring to the song “Ano Hi Kimi wo Kizutsuketa no wa” (I know, I know, it’s from Killer Tunes, ssh ^-^;). I just got this idea from Dorobune lately and it matched too well to not use it. Also, I’m never sure whenever to point this out or not, but there is slight mention of mental health issues in this fic, just so you know.

On a more personal note, I’m sorry I didn’t post anything in quite a while already. I’ll try to be a little more active again soon (^-^)

„Can you come over?“, Shou asked without introduction. He sounded breathless.

Yutaka tilted back his head and stared at the ceiling.

He didn’t feel like going over to Shou’s place tonight. He hadn’t felt like picking up the phone to begin with.

But he had told himself, that it might be something important. Something about Shou’s health, or news from Jun, or some infection among the staff members. He hadn’t dared to decline the call, although he wasn’t really in the mood to talk to Shou.

“Maybe another time”, Yutaka suggested. “Let’s make plans for the next time you are free.”

He couldn’t help sounding bitter. They all had a lot of free time recently, but still, Shou always seemed too busy to meet up. Yutaka understood that everyone had a different way of copying with the situation, but he was mad at Shou anyway. He had cancelled their dates one time too often lately.

“I meant more like now”, Shou said.

Yutaka checked for the time and sighed.

He had planned on a lazy evening all by himself. His intention had been to pity himself throughout for not receiving enough attention from his boyfriend and not knowing what to do with himself either. Maybe, he would have gotten a little drunk, too.

He considered how long it would take him to find his motivation, take a shower, maybe eat something, because Shou’s refrigerator was always poorly stocked and drive over.

“I can be there in like two or three hours”, he admitted.

He didn’t quite understand, why he was always the one to give in, when Shou on the other hand was allowed to cancel their plans last minute without so much as a proper explanation.

“No, Yutaka, I mean now”, Shou sounded urgent. Yutaka felt the old, familiar ball of panic rising within his chest. It tasted sour at the back of his throat.

He remembered the panic, back from when they had been nothing but friends, way before they became popular. Every time Yutaka’s phone had rung, he had flinched. When it was Shou, he had panicked. When it was the number of a stranger, or someone who knew Shou, Yutaka had panicked, too. Shou had been unstable back then and even now, that his mental health had improved, Yutaka had never really gotten over the fear of loosing him. Ever since the pandemic had started, the fear had become more acute again. He wasn’t sure how well Shou was doing and the fact that he closed down on him, caused Yutaka to worry even more. Not being able to meet with Shou, didn’t just anger him, because he wanted to spend time with his boyfriend. It made him feel anxious, when he wasn’t able to check on him regularly. He felt helpless then, having to watch from the outside but unable to interfere, because Shou just wouldn’t let him in.

“Has something happened?”, he wanted to know, trying to sound calm. Shou would feel bad, if he knew how much Yutaka worried; worried so much that he wished to rip open his chest and close his hand around his heart to physically stop the panicked pounding.

“I’m fine”, Shou said, but his voice sounded funny, somehow flat like it usually did when he was stressed or distracted.

Yutaka had learned to read his voice over the years, because it was actually more telling than his face. Whenever they talked, Yutaka kept scanning his voice for little warn signals, for red flags that would tell him if he needed to act.

Although Shou sounded stress, he didn’t seem at the verge of a nervous breakdown yet, so Yutaka decided to aim for a compromise.

“I’ll take a shower and drive over immediately. I’ll be there in an hour and we order takeout?”, he suggested.

Shou was silent for a moment.

“No, please”, he said. “Come here right away. I don’t care if you’re showered or not.”

Yutaka bit his lower lip. Maybe he had been mistaken. Maybe Shou was closer to a meltdown than he thought. But then, why wouldn’t he tell him right away?

“Are you sure there is nothing wrong?”, he assured.

“Don’t worry”, Shou said. “Just come here as fast as possible. Please.”

He was practically begging now, something that was extremely rare for him. Shou didn’t like using the word “please”. He didn’t like to ask something of other people, even if it was Yutaka. He was better at apologizing.

“Okay, I’m on my way”, Yutaka said and suddenly felt angry at himself.

He had promised himself to not let Shou walk all over him any longer. If he cancelled on Yutaka without explanation, Yutaka shouldn’t rush out to meet him, as soon as Shou called. He wasn’t a dog. He had wanted to explain to Shou, that he couldn’t treat him like that. He had wanted to tell him, that he would need to make an effort, too, if he wanted their relationship to continue.

But old habits were hard to overcome and all that Yutaka could think of was the pale, gloomy kid Shou used to be, always so very close to breaking. Every time Shou called him to his side, Yutaka was unable to decline, because the blood rushing through his ears seemed to turn into a whisper of “What if it’s a relapse? What if this time it’s a relapse and you are not there?”

“Thank you”, Shou said quietly.

Yutaka held on to the phone a bit longer, listening to the silence at the other end of the line. He wanted to make sure he did not miss any meaning hidden in it.

“Don’t just sit there, get going!”, Shou exclaimed finally and started laughing.

“Okay, okay”, Yutaka huffed out, annoyed that Shou acted like he just didn’t hang up, so he wouldn’t have to leave the house. All the same, he was also relieved Shou sounded lighter now, his scolding nothing but a tease. He didn’t sound like he was close to breaking.

“See you soon”, Yutaka added, then he hung up.

He got up and tried to stay calm. There was no point in rushing out the door. He needed his keys and his helmet. If he stormed out senselessly and forgot something, he’d only waste time by having to come back up.

He considered changing into a proper pair of pants, but than it wasn’t like Shou would care. He usually looked unfashionable whenever they met.

Yutaka breathed in deeply while he put on his shoes.

Over the years he had learned to calm himself. There was no point in letting Shou see how unsettled he was. It only made Shou pull back harder, worried to bother Yutaka. It had turned out that appearing relaxed and almost a little brash was what put Shou at ease the most. Sometimes, he needed Yutaka to speak to him firmly, so he got it together again. By now, Yutaka had gotten quite good at finding the right balance of caring for Shou without letting his own panic show. Shou had no idea how scared Yutaka was, whenever he texted him in the middle of the night, or when he didn’t pick up his calls several times in a row.

It hadn’t been like this when they were still on tour together and Yutaka could keep his eyes on Shou at least every other day. But the lockdown had made the old fear kick back in. Yutaka felt the pressure of the forced isolation and the unpredictability of the coming months weighting down on himself as well, and Shou had always been the more sensitive one.

He put on his helmet and swung himself onto his scooter. Luckily Shou’s place was close by. It had been one of the reasons Yutaka had decided to rent this apartment after all, although he hadn’t told Shou back then. Their relationship had still been too fresh. He had claimed the reason for his moving was the need for a bigger place. By now, Shou seemed glad about the short distance, too.

Yutaka forced himself to focus on the traffic. He had to fight the urge to skip red lights and cut in on the cars on the road. He wanted to be at Shou’s place as fast as possible, but he had to get there alive.

He’d feel calmer, if Shou would agree to see a professional, at least while the measurements were in place and they weren’t able to continue their tour. It was Yutaka, who had coaxed Shou into trying therapy for the first time, too, but unfortunately, Shou had not been too convinced by the results. He had written it off as pointless. Yutaka would be relieved, though, if a professional kept looking for warn signs, too, and it wasn’t all up to him to carry the burden. Maybe, he’d be able to sleep more peacefully at night again.

He pulled up in front of Shou’s apartment building, taking in another deep breath. There was no need to worry Shou even more with his own panic. He had to be calm. He had to be the stable one, so Shou could hold on to him, when he stumbled.

Yutaka climbed the stairs. He could have taken the elevator, but he didn’t like to stand idle with his thoughts, when he felt like this. As long as he focused on walking, his brain wouldn’t produce pictures of what he might find. He thought of Shou’s first apartment. Small, messy, the blinds always drawn by day and night as if Shou was scared of what the light might exposed. Yutaka had always felt uncomfortable visiting him there. Not that his friends from university had lived in more luxurious places back then. But Shou’s apartment had always radiated the sadness of an animal cage that was too small for its inhabitant. He knew Shou had had troubles leaving the house on some days. That was why he had always thought of the place as a cage and avoided visiting Shou in it. Even today, although Shou had moved several times and was in a much better mental state, Yutaka felt queasy whenever he approached his front door. He was scared, that someday Shou would open and Yutaka would find his apartment had turned into a cage again.

He rang the doorbell.

It took quite some time, until he even heard noise from the other side. Yutaka wished he had a key. He hadn’t brought himself to ask about it yet.

Then the door was opened and he stared into Shou’s face. For a moment, Yutaka felt like his heart just stopped beating. There it was, his worst nightmare. He felt horrified and oddly relieved. At least, he’d be allowed to stop searching Shou’s face for hints now. Everything was open on display.

Shou’s eyes were red and swollen and filled with tears. He had obviously been crying until just now. His nose was running, too, and he made weird sniffling noises. His hair was in dismay as if he had tried to get it out of his face angrily and then forgotten to straighten it out again. Red stains were showing on his cheeks like it always happened to him when he was stressed or just got emotionally worked up.

He looked upset and puffy and Yutaka knew, that someone had hurt him. He had seen Shou hurt so many times already, by girls who had not returned his love, by colleagues whom Shou deemed better than himself, by so-called fans who had been nothing but cruel and too demanding.

Yutaka stepped inside, closed the door behind himself, so no one would be able to spot them and pulled Shou into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around him and held him without the intention of ever letting go.

To his surprise Shou leaned into him, wrapping his arms around Yutaka’s waist and allowed himself to be held, which usually happened quite rarely.

Yutaka inhaled deeply. Shou’s hair smelled smoky as if he had been roasting something. Yutaka wondered if he needed to worry. Had Shou set something on fire in his own apartment and the shock had upset him this much?

“Hey”, Yutaka whispered, still holding on to Shou.

They were about the same height and he could rest his head against Shou’s neck comfortably. Sometimes, Yutaka wished to be taller. If he was as tall and buff as Kenji, he’d be able to make Shou feel small and safe. He knew that it would not help him fight off all the invisible enemies Shou was struggling with, but maybe he’d feel better, if at least he was able to protect Shou physically. Maybe it would make him feel a little less helpless.

“What happened?”, he asked lowly.

“Ah.” Shou pulled back and chuckled. He reached up to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s nothing. Not what you think. I’m fine.”

He managed a smile, exposing his gappy teeth. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, though.

“Hey”, Yutaka repeated, taking hold of Shou’s hands. He held them in his own for a moment, turning them around, so Shou’s palms were pointing up. He gently trailed his fingers up Shou’s arms, in a gesture that was meant to be tender, but again, he could only concentrate on the sound of his own blood that rushed so loudly in his ears all of a sudden.

He knew exactly what he was doing, what he was doing currently whenever he met with Shou. Their sex had turned too desperate and too greedy, too, because Yutaka got impatient to tear off Shou’s clothes. Lately, Shou had pulled back from him a little and often enough, Yutaka had had to go home after receiving only so much as a kiss. Shou could sense the fear that drove Yutaka, even if he might not understand what he was doing. But Yutaka felt overwhelmed lately, almost shaking with the desire to assure that Shou was alright. He needed to inspect his skin, make sure no marks or bruises were to be found anywhere. Shou’s phase of self-harm hadn’t lasted long. It was Yutaka, who had never gotten over it. Maybe Shou wasn’t even aware Yutaka had noticed back then, so he couldn’t guess what he was searching his body for now. Yutaka’s greed had to remain incomprehensible to him, and whenever Yutaka found no traces on Shou’s skin, he turned tender, almost compulsively so. The relief made him want to cherish every part of Shou’s body and he wanted to wrap himself around him, to make sure no one harmed him ever again.

“Tell me, who hurt you”, Yutaka inquired. “I’ll punch them in the face. This time I’ll do it, I swear.”

Shou laughed quietly and pulled back his hands from Yutaka’s grip.

Yutaka was glad to hear him laugh, although he had been absolutely serious about his words. It had never been Yutaka, who hurt Shou, but it was his duty to protect him anyway. He’d make sure he was alright and that he had a reason to smile and laugh every single day.

“You won’t”, Shou said with a gentle sternness. “Now, come in. But give me another moment, you got here faster than I expected.”

He led Yutaka to the living room area, that wasn’t so much a living room as a working space, because obviously those two things went together for Shou. The desk with the technical equipment took up a large part of the room. Yutaka couldn’t understand why Shou didn’t search for a bigger apartment. Everything here looked cluttered. He wasn’t very good at dividing his space economical, either.

“Just wait here, okay?”, Shou asked and gestured for him to sit down somewhere at the low table. “I’ll be right back with you, then we can talk.”

Shou wiped his eyes again, then he turned around and disappeared into the kitchen. His kitchen wasn’t really a separate room, but rather a part of the apartment that was separated from the rest of the living room through a divider. Yutaka wasn’t able to see Shou, but he heard clattering and a low sizzling. He wondered if he had arrived so early, that he had interrupted Shou’s dinner plans. It would explain the burnt smell.

Yutaka looked around the room and tried not to think of Shou’s red and puffy eyes.

He had clearly not expected Yutaka yet. Obviously, he had pointed that out to indicate he would have forced himself to be calmer already otherwise. The thought hurt. Had Yutaka gotten here a little later, Shou would have done his best to cover up the distress he was in. He would never expose his vulnerability to him. Yutaka would always have to guess and worry, if he was able to catch up on the hints in time to protect him. Shou wouldn’t ask for help, even if he needed it. It was all up to Yutaka.

He wondered, if it would have been better to confront Shou immediately. But he wanted to give him time to collect himself.

He was probably cleaning up the kitchen just now, trying to come up with the right words to explain to Yutaka, what had happened. He’d wash his face in the kitchen sink. His cheeks would be very red from the cold water and his eyes would look somewhat less puffy. He’d try to seem collected and Yutaka would pretend he was, to leave Shou with the feeling of dignity he obviously needed to open up to him at all.

Maybe giving him that much space was the problem, though. It gave Shou the time to recoil again and again and maybe Yutaka would never get through to him like this.

A loud clattering came from the kitchen and then Shou swore so heartily that it nearly made Yutaka flinch. Shou wasn’t exactly using polite language around him usually, but outbreaks like these were surprising for him anyway.

Yutaka decided that he had worried enough for today.

When he had seen Shou on the doorstep, all of his anger had vanished. He had only wanted to protect him. But now, he was here, after Shou had called him and begged him to come, making Yutaka worry. And then he had opened the door crying, worrying Yutaka even more, only to place him here alone in his living room, as if Yutaka’s worries and feelings didn’t matter at all.

He got up and walked over to the kitchen area, determined not to let Shou get away with it this time.

Shou had his back to him. The water was running, but he stood in front of the sink without moving. Yutaka took that as a very bad sign. Shou seemed to be dissociating.

“Who made you cry?”, Yutaka asked, not nearly as gentle as he had intended.

Shou shook his head without turning around. He finally turned off the water, though. Yutaka heard he make a sniffling sound again.

“It’s embarrassing”, Shou said quietly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You can’t call me over here crying and then have me sit around calmly without getting an explanation”, Yutaka said loudly, this time sounding angry for real. He wished he had his voice under control not to daunt Shou. But he was angry and most of all, he was very, very scared. “What happened? I can’t help you, if you don’t tell me who hurt you. Who made you cry?”

Shou turned around. For some reason, he was clenching a plastic box filled with mushrooms to his chest. His cheeks were even redder than before.

Accusingly he lifted his arm and pointed over to the countertop next to the stove.

“That!”, he shouted. “That made me cry, okay?”

Yutaka turned his head slowly. On the countertop sat a grater and half an onion.

“I was grating onions. You know it always makes me cry.”

Yutaka stared at the remains of the onion for a while. He realized he’d look pretty ridiculous, trying to punch it.

He turned back to Shou.

“But you seemed so stressed”, he insisted.

“I am stressed!”, Shou exclaimed. Now he was the one unable to keep his voice down. He gestured around the kitchen. “Look at this mess.”

He held up the mushrooms before slamming them down onto the countertop as well.

Yutaka now noticed the pan sitting on the stove. It contained pieces of meat. The meat was nearly black. It still smelled burnt inside the whole apartment.

“Wait”, Yutaka said slowly. “You were trying to cook? For us?”

Shou crossed the arms in front of his chest. He always looked defensive when he did.

“You got here too early. It wasn’t ready yet. And while I opened the door, the meat got burnt.”

Yutaka looked down onto the pan and slowly shook his head.

“So, this is why you called me over?”, he assured. He wasn’t sure if he ought to feel relieved or even more angry. He was too baffled to feel either. “You begged me to come here as soon as possible … for dinner?”

Shou shrugged, pouting slightly. It made his full lips look pretty, especially with his cheeks this flushed. Yutaka was determined not to get drawn in by it, though.

“You wanted to be here only in an hour”, Shou muttered. “I had already started. I was worried the food would grow cold. You had to come right away.”

Yutaka nearly wanted to laugh, but he still felt something like an unpleasant afterglow in his chest. Even if he knew that there was no acute danger in sight, the fear didn’t just disappear from that knowledge. It clenched his bones a little longer with the cold sensation of panic. Even if his brain knew that Shou was currently safe, Yutaka’s body hadn’t accepted that reality yet. He still felt too shaken to forgive Shou this easily.

“You can’t do that to me”, he said. He had wanted to say that for so many weeks already. Every time Shou cancelled their meetings last minute, every time he called him when actually he should be asleep, every time he seemed a little too moody and recoiled from Yutaka’s touch. Shou couldn’t do that to him without explanation, because then Yutaka’s mind went into overdrive and he imagined him hurt and caged in and possibly gone forever.

“You can’t just call me over like something is wrong and then stand there crying and expect me to be okay with that”, he went on. “Because I worry about you so much. It scares me.”

Yutaka inhaled shakily. The words were out at last. He didn’t want to sound accusing or like he was blaming Shou for being sensitive. But it was important for him to know, that Yutaka needed more from him.

Shou looked up. His dark eyes were kind and pained. They were clear, though, not teary at all.

“I know”, he said softly. “I know you worry. I’ve been an awful boyfriend lately. I need time for myself to process everything that’s going on currently. But that doesn’t mean I’m not able to handle it. I���m sorry, I cancelled on you so often lately. I wanted to do something nice for you today. I thought it would make you happy, if I cooked for you.”

He gestured around the kitchen helplessly.

“But I’m godawful at it. I wanted to prove to you, that I’m doing alright and that I’m able to take care of myself. But I was wrong. I can’t take care of myself.”

He sniffled quietly once more.

“Fuck, I don’t even know if you need to wash mushrooms or not.”

“Shou”, Yutaka said gently and took a step towards him. He reached out hesitantly, touching Shou’s cheek lightly. His skin felt very hot to the touch. “You know, it’s not your cooking skills I’m worried about.”

Shou closed his eyes. For a few seconds, he looked peaceful.

“I am okay”, he said. He spoke quietly, but very firm. He opened his eyes again, looking right at Yutaka. “You need to believe me, when I tell you that.”

Yutaka hesitated.

“I just remember how it used to be, before the band worked out for us”, he admitted. “Remembering you that unstable frightens me. With everything that’s going on … everyone is stressed.”

Shou nodded.

“I know. But I’m a lot stronger now than I was back then. I’m not loving the current situation, but it’s not bothering me that badly, either.”

He took Yutaka’s hand, placing it against his neck and holding it there.

“Back then my whole future was insecure. I was scared of where I was going”, he continued. “But you know I have savings now.”

His grin looked out of place for their serious conversation, too boyish and gleeful. Yutaka found himself smiling in return.

“I know I won’t end up on the street. And back then, I was heartbroken, too. Now, I’m in a happy, fulfilling relationship and I have a loving boyfriend, who supports me.”

He leaned in and his lips brushed against Yutaka’s, a very light and very quick kiss, before he pulled back again.

“So, you’ll ask for help?”, Yutaka asked, still full of doubt. “If you need it?”

“Please, trust me”, Shou repeated, giving Yutaka’s hand a light squeeze. “You don’t have to look out so closely. If something is wrong, I’ll tell you.”

“I want to protect you”, Yutaka whispered hoarsely.

“I’ll let you.” Shou’s reply came immediately.

Yutaka exhaled, leaning forward and resting his forehead against Shou’s. Sometimes, it was nice they shared the same height. Maybe there was no need for being taller after all.

He closed his eyes.

“But you know”, he said quietly. “I have another confession to make.”

Shou hummed under his breath questioningly.

“I also don’t know if you need to wash mushrooms or not.”

Shou broke into a laugh, his body trembling against Yutaka gently. He was still holding on to his neck.

“So, what are we going to do?”, he asked. “You actually don’t seem very helpful.”

“Don’t worry”, Yutaka said and finally opened his eyes to pull back. “I might not be able to protect you from everything myself. But I know who can.”

Shou raised his eyebrows. Yutaka grinned triumphantly.

“Uber Eats.”

[wetwellie]

Your Name AU

(because i’ve seen this movie a bajillion times and it makes me feel things and i am FEELING THINGS about zimbits rn) (It probably won’t work, but i’m gonna make it work)

 Bitty is a guy who is trying to peacefully spend his last summer before heading off to college in peace. 

He spends his days working his part time job at his Aunt’s produce stand. 

and Baking

and playing club hockey twice a week

Fairly peaceful

and...boring as hell

Until the dreams start

Jack has just started his third year at Samwell university

he’s still broken

still anxious

still the “golden boy” --even if he doesn’t feel like hes polished and shining

but he’s making do

and making friends

just a year or two left until

until what?

graduation? getting signed? 

wasting away? 

Jack doesn’t know. But he’s resigned to focus on hockey and let the rest of the world pass him by

Until the dreams start

Jack wakes up and it’s too hot

He shifts to get out of bed and finds that the covers he is tearing away from his body

are not his

or Shitty’s

or any of his roommates’

also. uh

those skinny legs and short shorts are not his

his hands look different too

and his face feels different

and the voice that calls to him from downstairs is not one he knows

huh

well

weird dream

hope it’s over soon

Bitty goes downstairs to eat the next day

His parents are both fairly silent

“I see you got over whatever mood you were in yesterday, young man”

“mood?”

“it doesn’t matter.”

That’s all he gets out of them

When he drives to the produce stand his cousins run up to him smiling

“I see that you actually remembered how to drive that thing”

“What?” says Bitty

“yesterday you were all over the place. almost knocked over the stand. if you were anyone else I’d think you were drunk”

“Aunt Judy figures you might have been possessed” the other cousin says

“With a fit of stupidity”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about” Bitty says

“It doesn’t matter. Just don’t ‘get lost’ or forget ‘how to drive stick’ again, Dicky” she says using finger quotes

Later in the day, Suzanne asks Bitty if he’s really feeling ok. 

She was really worried about yesterday’s behavior

Bitty replies that , despite evidence on the contrary, he feels normal

They finish up some jars of jam and Bitty returns to his room for the night

There is where he finds it

Tucked under his pillow there is a note in scratchy handwriting

“Who are you?”

Bitty wakes up cold, in a bed that is too big for him

an alarm he doesn’t remember setting, or ever having, is blaring next to him

he looks to see the time

4:30 am

oh. 

hell no

bitty gets up to unplug the dream alarm clock, and returns to sleep

Bitty wakes up 6 hours later with another man coming into bed with him

This man is naked

and moustached

one of those dreams? huh

never would he dream about this kind of guy though

because this guy doesn’t crawl into bed, like he thought

he wraps bitty in a burrito made out of comforters and yanks him onto the floor

“I know you needed to a break, but let the coaches know before you sleep through morning practice like that”

“practice?”

“yeah. and you’re lucky that I’m waking you up in time to go to your 11am.” 

“but it’s summer”

naked moustache man just looks at him and rolls his eyes

“we’ll grab lunch after class”

“Wait!”

“What”

“...where is my class?”

Jack wakes up the next day 

and is dragged to the doctor to test for a possible concussion

“the things you were saying and doing yesterday were crazy”

“you skipped morning practice”

“After class you threw down your notes and said you’d never major in History”

“You baked seven as an apology for skipping morning practice”

“And then you dropped into fetal position in afternoon practice when Ollie was about to check you”

“And you took, i don’t know, 7000 selfies of yourself and called yourself handsome”

“have you ever taken a selfie before in your life?”

jack just shakes his head

“yeah. like i said you’re getting checked for a concussion”

Did I hit my head? , Jack asks

“no. but it can’t be” Shitty pauses “It wouldn’t be your other thing would it?”

I don’t think so he says. 

Jack has never really had memory problems. and his anxiety and panic never particularly affected him in the way described

faintly, he recalls a young boy at one of his games right before the draft, voice broken as he says “Jack, don’t you remember me?”

it leaves his mind as quickly as it entered

because he had bigger problems to figure out

namely how he had new entries on the journal on his phone

it was a summary of all of the things that “Jack” did the previous day

“Thanks for a long day of being a Big Shot on campus, handsome!”

signed Eric

Eric?? 

Who the hell is Eric? 

it happens again 

Jack spends a day as bitty

and Bitty spends a day as Jack

and they wake up not remembering too much about what happens

the only thing that cements that it’s not just a weird dream is that

well...real life consequences

Jack becomes a lot more...spinny and less up for contact when he plays hockey

and ends up enjoying time with his teammates a lot more

and has a huge country dialect now

and one time someone came up to him speaking french and jack had no idea what was going on???

and he smiles sometimes??? 

and at the end of the day he’s almost always on his phone typing away

Bitty is able to kick ass into gear with hockey

but can’t bake worth shit

honestly, suzanne hasn’t seen anything of that quality since bitty was seven

AND he had to check a recipe

also, he’s started to bike to work

driving stick is impossible

he’s very serious on some days

he spends his evenings watching history documentaries and writing in a journal

Well. It seems like this is just gonna be life for a while, they both figure

best set up some rules

Bitty, as Jack, is NOT ALLOWED TO DITCH CLASSES

no use of the word y’all

no beyonce

no short shorts

don’t drop like a brick when someone comes to check you

seriously Eric it’s fine 

Eric it’s my body that would get hurt don’t worry

also please don’t drink or use drugs in my body

it’s a long story but again

it’s my body

Jack-as-Bitty is asked to be polite to his friends and customers

and please never bake anything ever

don’t leave the house dressed like some weird clothing outlet exploded

if you yell at my teammates i swear to god, mr. zimmermann. 

don’t disrespect senor bun

or anyone

stop frowning so much, even Coach has asked me about it and i don’t know what to say

don’t watch stuff on my netflix account. your history documentaries are messing up my recommendations

Despite the rules

They find ways to keep bothering each other

But also trying to make each other better

As captains of each others teams, both teams are able to benefit from their guidance

Bitty’s team gets a lot stronger technically

but kind of hate how much of a hardass Bitty is 3 times a week

The SMH is more in synch with each other than ever

and Bitty is able to help out a lot more

But Jack ends up having to put a lot of money in the sin bin for 

‘acting off’

Jack is very upset to find a picture of himself in the swallow, sitting on the roof of the Haus shirtless and wearing short shorts chilling

like

what the fuck Eric 

But they get a little routine down, and nothing changes except for minor nuisances

so whatever 

It all works good until one day, while Jack and Suzanne are bonding over making jam, Suzanne looks Jack right in the eyes and says 

“oh...you’re not my dicky. you’re dreaming aren’t you?”

Jack snaps awake in his bed

not Eric’s bed. His bed

Huh. weird. 

He goes to check his phone and of course, there is a long journal entry left over from the day he didn’t get

It’s all mostly ok until he gets to the end

“It looks like your first big hockey game is tomorrow night! Be sure to have fun. Enjoy it!”

“There’s a comet tonight for me. I’ll take lots of pictures so that you can see it next time we ...do whatever we do”

 Jack and the SMH win the game. and he actually tries to have fun. but the only person he wants to celebrate with is

well

he’s in georgia

bUT

Jack has a phone

He dials bitty’s cellphone number that has been saved in his contact

his heart is beating quite fast. 

and then he hears 

“We’re sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service”

 Jack stops switching after that

He should be relieved. overjoyed

but he’s not

he doesn’t miss the humidity

or the dirt roads

or the bugs

but he does miss something

and he’s forgetting all about it

so he tries searching online for the town

the town he can’t remember the name of

he doesn’t want to forget, so he starts drawing sketches of what he remembers

they’re not bad

pretty darn good, even

Not as good as Lardo’s, but she’s still abroad

He tries to call Eric’s number a couple more times. He gets the same results

 Jack can’t take it anymore

During the winter break, Jack flies down to Georgia for a weekend, rents a car, and drives himself in the general area he remembers the town

he stops locals and shows them sketches

“is there any town nearby that looks like this?”

they all respond in the negative

he does this for hours

the sun is starting to set when he resigns to give up

he pulls into a diner in the town he’s in, orders, and looks at his sketches again

maybe it’s possible that the town isn’t...even real?

it really could have just been his dreams

that is what he thinks when the server returns with some water

“Hey. that’s a pretty good picture of Godfrey”

 “Godfrey?”

“Yeah. I grew up there.” he says looking a bit sad

“Can you tell me how to get there?” 

The server pauses and gives Jack a mourned, but puzzled look “ it was about a 15 minute drive from here but-” 

“it was?”

“you didn’t hear about what happened?”

Jack shakes his head. 

“If you don’t mind,I’ll take you to it after you finish your dinner”

It’s all gone. 

Oh God. 

Everything from the small ice cream shop to the old creek where Bitty’s cousins would hang around

It’s all rubble

and mounds of dirt

Literal miles

Jack can’t breathe

he can’t

breathe

just breathe

just

breat--

[red-pill-blue-pill]

Talk to me. Keanu reeves.

A/N: This is my first request ever (for @celestiaelisia) and I hope it meets the standards 💖

Word Count: 3337 (more or less I've edited this like a thousand times dude)

Summary: You work as assistant director in the John Wick 3 set and everything is quite shitty in your personal life.

Warnings: Body shaming (your coworkers shame you because of your weight so if it’s triggering for you please don’t risk it. You are all beautiful no matter what.), angsty angst.

Sunset Boulevard was crowded with tourists, as always. You walked fast, making your way through, you had no time to waste. You needed a new job. You had moved to LA a year ago. The relationship with your parents was hanging by a thread. You were a reckless teenager often getting yourself into trouble. Everything started when you stuck up for yourself in high school, people blamed you for the fights that happened and the director had to call your parents every other week. That's when you started skipping school, staying late out and fighting endlessly with you mother. The only support you had was your older sister. She had always been by your side in every tough situation. You came to her to seek comfort, to joke around, to cry your eyes out. She was everything to you, the only thing that prevented you from leaving. One day the situation got out of hands and you just had to run away. Your first option was LA, the city of dreams, or so people said. You'd wanted to be a movie director since you were a little girl. In high school your highest grades were the photography and audiovisuals ones, it was a vocation. When you arrived you rented a room in a small apartment with two other girls and looked for a job in the film industry, soon losing your hopes as it was a lot harder than it seemed and sticking to waitressing while looking longingly at the hollywood sign instead.

You had just been fired from your latest job. You were waitressing in a cheap dinner down town. Greasy food, watered down coffee and terrible tips. But life kept on going and rent wasn't going to pay itself so you had to keep on looking for another job. Looking online you found an opening as assistant director for the third John Wick movie. You experience in the field wasn't impressive so you didn't think much of it besides applying and keep giving out resumes at restaurants and dinners. Deep, deep down you still had a little gleam of hope that told you they would call you. Surprisingly, they did call, and the first thing you did was phone your sister. When you told her she got even more excited than you, she had always believed in you and even though this was just a little step she knew it was the beggining of a succesful career.

The filming had started a couple of weeks ago. Being in New York felt pretty rad. You walked effortlessly around the set, giving out the day's scripts, delivering clothes door to door, bringin everyone their cup of coffee... it almost seemed like you floated around. No one knew how you managed to do all of that by yourself. Sure you had some coworkers with the exact same work as you but they would rather spend their time sitting around doing nothing. Truth is you loved this job. You loved having the opportunity to meet actors and actresses, learning about directing and producing films and keeping your mind busy. You always carried around a little notepad to write down all the tips the director and the producers gave you. Your coworkers saw you as the ass-licker assistant and considering how people praised you for your good work, their hatred for you grew and grew each time someone complimented you. At first, you didn't care, you knew you had been working hard and that you deserved to be recognized for that. However, when the first insult came you knew it was going to be be harder than you thought.

"Hey fattie, why don't you bring me a coffee." one of your coworkers said as you were about to exit the trailer the director had assigned for all of you to take your work breaks in. You turned around to look at him, shocked by the words that had left his mouth. Your cheeks turned a bright red color and the other colleage sitting next to him stiffled a laugh. You were trying to process what had just happened, memories of high school came rushing to your mind like a shit tornado. This was too familiar. Sure, you were overweight but after all the bullying you had endured as a teen you finally thought of yourself as an intelligent, beautiful and sweet individual. You knew your weight didn't define you and you certainly didn't care about what others thought of you. However, hearing that "nickname" again made it all come back: the insecurity, the shame. You opened your mouth to answer but nothing came out, your brain replaying in loop how your classmates yelled insults towards you in the halls and how the girls teased you in gym class. Your eyes watered and you rushed out of the trailer, slamming the door behind you and trying to get away as fast as possible. You ran between the trailers, in search of yours. You picked up your phone to give a quick call to your sister, to ask for advice. You let it beep a few times, her answering machine spoke and told you to leave a message. "Hi sis, I was just calling to get some advice. It's been a couple of days since we last talked, hope you're okay. Give me a call." You hung up and kept walking fast.

“y/n!” 

You cursed under your breath as you heard that familiar voice calling you. You dried the few tears that had escaped with the back of your hand and put on the fakest smile you could, hoping he wouldn’t knotice your flustered face. You turned around and waved as you saw him approach you “Hey Keanu!” 

He tried to steady his short breaths “Wow you almost outran me there.” he chuckled. 

“Well, be careful grandpa.” you said holding back a laugh. He looked at you with eyes wide open as he laughed hard. 

“You offended me with that one I must say.” He stared at you with a playful grin and you felt your heart pound in your chest. 

He was wearing his John Wick suit and a few fake cuts on his face and the only think you could think of was how good he would look without that suit. Yes, maybe you had a little crush on him. Of course you did, who could resist him? After a couple of weeks of shooting you two had gotten pretty close. He was such a sweet man, he always listened to everything you had to say and he was really fun to be around. You just wished he would ask you on a date and hold your hand and kiss you. His voice got you out of your little daydream. “Anyways, I came to ask if you wanted to grab something to eat after work.” Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. “Sure!” you said trying to play it cool.

-

Weeks passed by and the mean comments just got worse and worse. "Disgusting" "Why don't you go to the gym fattie" "That shirt looks too tight on you we can see your rolls." No one on set knew and you planned to keep it that way. The shame was already unbearable and if everyone found out it was going to be even worse. Your self steem was slowly dissolving, leaving you feeling like an empty carcass, a shadow of the person you used to be. Outside you were still the same, no one noticed something was wrong, but inside you were an anxious mess. You feared everytime you had to walk on set, everytime you had to go out. You felt everyone's eyes on you, where you once had seen admiration you saw judgemental stares that burned on your skin. You started declining Keanu's invitations to go out to eat, coming up with shitty excuses you knew he didn't buy. You isolated yourself instead, crying you eyes out in your trailer, wishing to hug your sister and get that comfort you so desperately needed. She hadn't returned any of your calls and it all was adding to your anxiety. Was she alright? Had your parents finally convinced her to stop talking to you? On top of that you were messing up the friendship you had managed to build with Keanu. How could a girl like you be so delusional as to fall for a man like him. He would never see you as anything more than a good friend, if you were still friends that is. You were pushing him away, just as you always did. It hurt like hell. Tears started flowing again, harder this time. You were sure people walking by outside could hear you sobbing but you didn't care.

Keanu walked by your trailer to get to his and he stopped in his tracks when he heard you sobbing. He was starting to worry about you. He didn't know if you were trying to avoid him because you wanted to end your friendship or if there was something wrong in your personal life. Either way he wanted to find out. He enjoyed spending time with you, he always had fun when you were around. He thought of you as a bright, fun and beautiful woman who didn't give a fuck about what others thought of her. Your strength and sense of righteousness were the things he loved the most about you. The way you stuck up for what you believed in was admirable. That bright and cheerful side of you was already fading and he had noticed from the first moment. Keanu wasn't the type to intrude in someone's personal matters but when he heard you crying he knew he had to do something, he just had to think the best way to approach you.

The next day went by as always. You made small talk with the crew, talked to the director and producer to write down some notes about what they told you, and tried to avoid Keanu as much you could. You had caught him staring a couple of times and you just waved as you walked away. Fast. You knew he could sense something was off and you feared what would happen if he found out. "Maybe he'll join them. Or maybe he'll just laugh at you for being so fucking weak." Your mind whispered as your eyes welled up with tears.

Your trailer door closing behind your was the sweetest sound to you. It meant you were safe from the outside world, no one could mess with you in your safe space. Unless...

Your phone started ringing, breaking the silence of your small house. You ran to pick it up thinking it your be your sister but instead a male voice spoke. 

"Hello. Are you y/n y/l/n?" 

"Yes. And who are you?" You said, your heart rate rising up dangerously. 

"I'm you sister's husband." Silence took over the phone line. He was waiting for some kind of reaction that never came, so he spoke again, sniffling lightly. "Its all happened so fast. One day she was fine and the next one she had to be hospitalized and when you didn't come I assumed your parents didn't even call you-" he rushed his words. 

Your breath hitched and your head suddenly felt light "What?" You mumbled

"She passed away last week. Today was her funeral. I'm so sorry."

The phone fell to the floor. Suddenly everything felt like it was spinning in circles. Your heart threatened to come out your mouth and the tightness in your throat made it difficult to breathe. You fell to your knees with a loud thump. You opened your mouth to take a deep breath but a scream came out instead. A raw pained scream that tore apart your insides.

-

Keanu was smoking a cigarette outside his trailer. The weather was good considering it was winter and if he smoked inside the smell lingered on the bed sheets which he actually found pretty nasty if he thought about it. He was staring at New York's lightning, his thoughts lost in y/n, thinking about her behaviour. He blew the smoke and watched as it mingled with his condensating breath and danced in the cold air. The night was silent which was something strange in New York City, it felt almost peaceful. He finished the cigarette and walked to a nearby trash to throw away the butt. A pained scream cut the silence and echoed in the trailer zone. Then silence. Then another one followed. He turned around and started running towards where he thought it came. His heart was pounding in his ribcage, fearing the worst thing. He could tell who was the source, he would’ve known from a thousand miles away. 

He busted the door open and found you there, sitting on the floor with your arms wrapped around yourself as you screamed all your pain away. 

“y/n!” he kneeled on the floor next to you and hugged you tight. “What happened?” he said over your screams, worry obvious in his voice. He rocked you back and forth while he whispered sweet nothings into your ear, trying to get you to calm down so you could talk to him. It took a couple of minutes but you managed to stop screaming, turning into a crying mess as you slowly wrapped your head around that phone call. 

“My sister.” you said sobbing into his chest as he rubbed circles on your back. “she passed away.” as you let out those words total realization hit you and the tears started flowing faster. 

“I’m so sorry, love.” Keanu planted a kiss on your hair as he let you cry a little more.

When you managed to calm down -or maybe when you ran out of tears to spill- you took deep breaths and Keanu’s voice flooded your ears 

“Are you hungry?” you shook your head no and he just sighed “Okay. I’m gonna grab some stuff from my trailer to spend the night here. I’ll be back.” 

You moved off his lap and he stood up. “Keanu” you spoke, you voice sore and broken “It’s okay, really, you don’t have to stay.” god, you were a terrible liar. 

He smiled sweetly from the doorway “I know i don’t have to, I want to. Now wait for me, it shouldn’t take longer than five minutes.”  When he closed the door you let out a shaky breath and pinched the bridge of your nose.

He was right, he was back five minutes later with a bag full of food, a pile of blankets and some movies to watch on your laptop. He was an actual angel. He put everything down and sat next to you on the small couch, staring silently at you. You gave him a questioning look. 

“I know you don’t want to but I need you to talk to me. Open yourself up. I know something’s wrong.” he reached out to hold your hand. “Okay.” you took a few seconds to prepare yourself. 

“Since I started working here my coworkers had been shaming me because of...” you used the hand that keanu wasn’t holding to gesture to your body. He raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. Anyways, it’s affecting me a lot, that's why I avoided you, I didn’t want to make you feel embarrassed." He sighed relieved now that he knew you didn’t want to end their friendship but it hurt to think you really believed he was embarrassed of you. 

“And then there’s my sister.” you choked on your words and Keanu knew not to push it. He hugged you again. 

“Who’s shaming you?” he said against your hair. His voice had turned serious, a kind of seriousness you’d never heard from him, it was almost scary. 

“No Keanu, there’s only a couple of weeks left I can deal with it.” 

“Tell me.” he pulled away to look into your eyes, his gaze so intense you felt he was looking right into your soul. 

“The other assistant directors.” 

“Okay. I’ll take care. Are you sure you’re okay?” he checked once again.

You nodded. It wasn’t entirely true. You just didn’t feel anything at all. Pain had been replaced by nothingness and the void in your chest was even more consuming than the anxiety. 

“Do you want to take a shower?” 

You raised an eyebrow and he quickly corrected himself. “No, no I didn’t mean it like that.” his cheeks turned rosy and he thanked god for the dimly lit room. “A shower usually helps me relax a little.”

“Yeah I guess I could use a good shower and fresh clothes.” You stood up and walked to the small wardrobe, picking your pijamas and fresh underwear. 

“Will you be okay?” Keanu asked from the sofa as you were about to close the door. The white light from the bathroom shone on half of your face and for a first time he could take a good look at your red puffy eyes and flustered cheeks. His heart broke at the sight. He still thought you were beautiful, your plump cheeks screamed for him to kiss them and he had to resist the urge to just run to you and do it. 

“Don’t worry. I’ll call you if I need something.” you said smiling weakly at him.

-

You opened the door, steam flooded the small living-room, the scent of your shampoo invading the space. You stepped out of the bathroom, your hair still wet and your hairbrush in your hand. The wet trails of your tears got lost between the droplets of water that still lingered in your eyelashes. 

“C’mere” He said opening his legs and motioning you to sit down on the floor between them. He took your brush and started gently brushing your wet hair. He untangled the loose knots on your hair, the feeling of his hands caressing it making you hum with delight. This was by far the best moment of your day, maybe even the best moment of the week. 

The brushing stopped too soon for your liking and his hands dropped to your shoulders, massaging softly. “Do you want to watch a film or eat something?” His voice was soft, as if he was scared to startle you, and it felt velvety in your ears making your eyelids feel heavier than they did before.  

“Can we just go to bed?” that was the only thing you really wanted to do, leave this day behind as fast as posible. He nodded softly standing up and offering you a hand. You took it and stood up too, leading the way to the bed in the back of the trailer. You lied down with Keanu next to you. His fingers intertwined with yours as his thumb rubbed circles on the back of your hand. 

“y/n” he whispered into the dark. You hummed in response. “I don’t know if I’m overstepping here but you’re beautiful.” you felt your face heat up at the comment. “What I want to say is, your weight doesn’t define you and you are one of the most cheerful, bright and amazing people I’ve ever met. Don't anyone tell yoy otherwise.” He raised his hand still intertwined with yours and kissed your skin softly.

You felt a tear slid down you face. “Hug me. Please.” You turned your back to him and he spooned you. His arm was around your waist and his face was in the crook of your neck. His beard tickled you and his breathing was hot on your skin, his lips kissing your neck every couple of minutes. 

 “I would never be embarrassed of you, if anything, I'll cherish and adore you every day of my life.” he mumbled against your skin. You didn’t know what to say so you put your hand over the one he was resting on your belly and gave it a little squeeze. “Tomorrow will be another day.”

He was right. The thought of getting up tomorrow was dreadful to you but you had to push through, for yourself, for your sister, and that, with Keanu by your side, seemed a little easier. 

[animeniacss]

6 Years - Hoseok x Reader - Chapter 12 - Dinner for Two

Synopsis: 6 years. That’s all it can take to take another look at someone and see that they have completely changed. You were once an eager 20-year-old, with your dreams all in view, and Jung Hoseok at your side to view them with you. However, after a break up the end of your junior year of college, everything seemed different. Now, you’re a recently divorced single mother of two, and your life is nowhere near what you thought it would be. However, after reuniting with Jung Hoseok, you may just be able to capture a little bit of that exciting youth you once knew so long ago.

Feat. BTS Members, Nayeon (TWICE), and Yuna (itzy)

Genre: Romance, SingleMother!AU, Past Relationship, Drama, Some Depictions of Violence/Domestic Abuse

Length: approx. 4.5k words

Chapter 12 - Dinner for Two 

           Hoseok was hanging out with his friends, Namjoon and Yoongi, the three of them at a bar enjoying each other’s company. Yoongi was working as an up and coming producer, helping out with a few small companies that were debuting rookie idols. Namjoon was still in school, studying to be a professor at the local university due to his incredible intelligence. Laughter and chatter swarmed the trio at their table as Yoongi was sharing a story from one of the producer parties. He was talking about different people that he had met and the experiences he had, and his delivery of the information had the other boys in stitches. As the three were relaxing, Hoseok felt his phone vibrate.

           “Oh, hold on, guys.” He said, pulling out his phone. He saw your photo show up on his screen, and he smiled a bit. “I need to take this.”

           “Is this your girlfriend?” Namjoon asked playfully, leaning forward to take a peek.

           “I think you mean ex-girlfriend girlfriend.” Yoongi hummed, sipping his drink as he too leaned forward to see who it was. “Aaah, I was right. She looks exactly the same.” Hoseok hid his phone, pouting at his friends.

           “I’ll be right back.” He huffed playfully, getting up and excusing himself. He hurried outside of the bar, where there were few people around. Pressing the red accept button, he pressed the phone to his ear. “Hello?” He hummed, putting his hand in his pocket. He was waiting for a response, but what he didn’t expect was the sound of you blubbering something, an attempt to communicate with him before just collapsing into muffled sobs onto the phone. “Wha- hey! What’s wrong?” You continued to sob, almost as if he wasn’t there. He tried calling your name a few times to get your attention, and after the third try, it worked.

           “A-are…. are you busy?” He heard you choke out between sobs.

           “What’s wrong?” He asked again. When he heard you sniffle and attempt to gasp for air, he glanced over his shoulder. He saw Namjoon and Yoongi inside, still chatting and drinking their beers. He had been there for a while already, and it sounded like you needed him now more than ever. “I’m out with some friends, so I may be a little late but I can come.” He said. He heard you gasp, and a hiccup escaped your lips.

           “Oh my God, I’m sorry.” You said shakily. “I didn’t want to bother you. I-I’ll call Nayeon. Please, don’t worry about me.”

           “I can’t do that if you called me in tears and you know that.” He heard you slowly begin to relax, your sobs turning into soft whimpers and hiccups of tears. “Give me a few minutes and I can come by.” He said.

           “I don’t want you to cancel your plans…. for me. That’s not faaaaairrrrr….” He heard you begin to sob again. Hoseok let out a deep sigh, trying to think of what to do. Glancing back at his friends once more, he knew if he didn’t go help you out, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

           “I’ll be over soon.” He said quickly. You tried to protest, but he wouldn’t have it. “No, no. I’m coming over. I can’t let you sit in your apartment alone sobbing. Just relax, take some deep breaths, I’m on my way. Okay?” With you confirming, he hung up and stuck his phone in his pocket. Taking a deep breath, he ran a hand through his hair and pursed his lips. “Dang it.” Turning on his heel, he headed back inside.

           “Hm? How’d it go?” Namjoon asked, looking up at his friend as he returned to the table. Immediately, Yoongi and Namjoon both noticed Hoseok looked a bit agitated. “Is everything okay?”

           “Yeah. I need to go. She called me in absolute hysterics and I don’t know why. I can’t leave her alone like that, her kids aren’t home.” He grabbed his coat and tossed some bills onto the table for his bottle. “I’m sorry guys.”

           “Don’t worry, go.” Yoongi said, playfully shooing him off. “Maybe now that bartender that was staring at you all night will give Namjoon a chance.” The other boy turned to his friend with wide eyes as Hoseok laughed a bit. A small smile formed on the man’s face, patting Namjoon’s shoulder to indicate that he was only kidding around. “We’ll catch up again soon. Go do what you have to do.”

           “Thanks, Hyung.” Hoseok said. Saying his goodbyes, he hurried out of the bar and tried to think of the quickest way to your apartment. He wasn’t far, but he had to hail a car just to make sure that he got there quicker than he would on foot. When he got to your apartment complex, he sent you a text to let you know that he was headed up and to unlock the door. The entire ride up the elevator was silent, and he was anxious. His mind was racing with what could have possibly had you so shaken up. He had a few ideas, and he did not want any of them to be true. The ding of the elevator hitting the floor altered his attention to the opening doors, and he stepped out, picking up the pace to the apartment. He wasted no time knocking and calling your name. “Open up! It’s me!” It took a moment, but he heard the jiggle of the lock before the apartment door opened. It opened fully, revealing you standing before him. Your hair was a mess, and your face was even worse. Red, puffy eyes stared at Hoseok with a mixture of sadness and anxiety. There were tear stains on your face, and your cheeks were cherry red from all of the crying. “Hey…” he said softly, stepping closer to you. He closed the door, reaching his hands out for you to take however you wanted to best comfort you. “Are you okay?”

           Without missing a beat, you threw yourself into his arms, sniffling as your arms locked tightly around his neck. Hoseok stumbled a bit from the force but wasted no time holding you tightly.

           “I’m sorryyyy. You didn’t have to come…” you managed to sob out in between hiccups and tears.

           “Are you kidding? With you like this, I had to come! I’m glad you called me…now…” he pulled you back just a little bit to see your face. “Tell me what happened, okay?” You were still trying to catch your breath, and that was when Hoseok noticed two marks on your cheeks, that looked like they were forming bruises. “What on earth happened to you?” he asked curiously, his hands lifting up to touch your cheeks. You sniffled, biting your lip as you tried to think of how you wanted to start explaining this.

           “Weong-Bin came here so pissed off.” You said softly. “He started telling me I should have called him when I was sick and that he was not happy you and I were spending time together. When I told him to stop, he got angry and started yelling and threw my pot of food off the stove. He also-.” You motioned to the marks on your cheeks. “-Grabbed me really hard.” You sniffled, feeling your eyes water again. “I was going to call my brother, but he was out and I didn’t want to bother him. I didn’t know you were out too, I’m so sorry, I-.”

           “Don’t apologize.” Hoseok said quickly, pulling you back into a tight hug. “It’s okay. I promise it’s okay. Please, for the love of God, do not apologize.” You sniffled, your hands gripping the back of his shirt as you nuzzled his chest.

“I don’t even understand why he was so mad. I just don’t understand. He went from 0 to 500 so fast.” You said softly. Hoseok nodded, just letting you vent without interrupting for a few moments. From where he was standing, he saw the mess from the thrown pot that wasn’t cleaned up yet. It was scattered all over the floor and he sighed, running a hand through your hair.

“Let me help you clean up, yeah?” he asked curiously once he heard you stop venting softly into his chest. You nodded, pulling back from the hug as he led you into the kitchen. He immediately scooped up the pot, putting it into the sink before he grabbed the mop from the kitchen. He began to mop up the spilled food. It wasn’t much, but he threw it all away and wiped up any extra dirt on the floor. “There. Like nothing happened.” He turned to you with a smile. “It’s like I’m a magician, yeah?” he cooed. Finally, he saw a glimpse of a smile on your face. “Aaaah, I saw that.” He cooed, walking over to you. He saw that the tears had finally stopped and used that as an opportunity to wipe away any lingering ones on your cheeks. “There we go. No need to cry, it’ll be okay.” You took a deep, shaky breath.

Suddenly, a loud noise emanated from your stomach, and you blushed. You hadn’t realized yet that you hadn’t eaten for almost 7 hours, the last time being during your lunch break. You rubbed your stomach and groaned. “I’m starving…” you muttered softly. Hoseok smiled a bit.

“Why don’t we go get something to eat?” he asked curiously. “Is your friend working tonight?” When he saw you nod, a grin formed on his face. “Great! Get yourself ready, it’ll be fun~!”

“But-.”

“Nope. No buts. You can’t sit here all night and think about your terrible ex-husband. It gives you wrinkles.” You chuckled as you felt Hoseok begin playfully pushing you towards the bedroom. “Go on now, get dressed. I’ll wait here.”

“You’re an idiot.” You huffed, closing the door to your room as you heard Hoseok giggle. Sighing, you went to your closet and grabbed a nice blouse and a pair of jeans to put on. You were not in the mood to doll yourself up. As you tossed on your clothes and ran a brush through your hair, you looked yourself over in the mirror. Your face was still red and blotchy from all the sobbing you did. “I need to cover up this mess…” you mumbled to yourself, digging in your drawer for some makeup. You applied it to your skin, covering up the evidence of your break down as much as you possibly could. Once you looked halfway decent, you stood up. “There we go.”

Hoseok was out in the living room, pacing the floor as he waited for you. He was infuriated that Weong-Bin had come here and treated you the way he did. However, he knew no good would come from confronting him, it would only escalate the situation and stress you out more. So, all he decided he could do was support you from the sidelines. But still, he was angry that you had to go through this. When he finally saw you come out, he turned to you and smiled happily. Your face looked brighter, though that was most likely the makeup, and a fresh pair of clothes made you look like a new woman. Hoseok approached you and happily offered you his arm. “Shall we?” he asked. You hesitated but wrapped your arm around his, nodding.

“Okay~.” You said happily, and he led you out of the apartment.

-----

“AH! I’m so happy you finally decided to come!” A voice shouted out as you and Hoseok entered the restaurant. You had texted Seokjin on the train ride to the restaurant so that he could expect you, and he eagerly assured you that he would have a table ready. It was a nice little restaurant, and Seokjin was already incredibly popular there, both for his cooking and his good-looks. He assured you it was his looks more, but that was Seokjin’s narcissism talking. He saw you both walk-in and excused himself from the kitchen, hurrying up to you as he wiped his hands on his apron. The first thing he did was embrace you in a hug that you were happy to return.

“I know. We were supposed to come tomorrow, but our plans changed.” You said to Seokjin as he pulled back to look at you.

“Either way, it took you long enough. My cooking has been waiting for you to taste it.” He offered you a childlike pout that made you smile. Then, you saw his zoom in on your face, tilting his head to get a good look at you. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying.” He pointed out. You blinked, nodding in response as you ran a hand through your hair.

“I’m okay. Just a long day, you know?” A giggle escaped your lips in hopes of lightening the situation. Seokjin pursed his lips in thought for a moment. Then you turned back to Hoseok, motioning him to Seokjin. “This is Hoseok…my…” you pursed your lips together, thinking of the best way to introduce him. You saw Hoseok shoot you a glance, and that only made you more anxious. Without missing a beat, Hoseok took Seokjin’s hand and shook his.

“A friend. Nice to meet you.” Hoseok said happily. Seokjin nodded as they shook hands.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m an old coworker of hers.” He said happily. You sighed in relief now that the introductions were done. “Here, I saved you guys a seat, come on.” He said, motioning you to follow him. You nodded, turning to Hoseok as he offered you his arm again, and led you into the restaurant. Seokjin was talking to you, asking about both your cold and Hyo Bin’s, about Min Ja, and about work now that you had returned today. He shared that he had mostly begun collecting hours the shift after yours now that you were back to work.

When you got to the table, Hoseok wasted no time pulling out your seat and motioning for you to sit.

“My gosh, what a gentleman.” You hummed, smiling at him as he pushed you in.

“Oh, my Mom and sister would kill me if they found out I didn’t do this kind of stuff.” Hoseok teased. “Especially for you.”

“Oh, I know.” You nodded as Hoseok sat across from you. You saw Seokjin call over one of the waitresses, and talk to her for a moment before turning back to you.

“Enjoy, guys. Call me before you go, okay?” He asked. You waved him off and watched him return to the kitchen. The waitress took your drink orders before disappearing into the crowd of people. Your eyes fell to the rectangular two-sided menu, scanning it for whatever sounded good. Your stomach was practically eating itself at this point. There was silence between you and Hoseok for a few minutes, but he finally spoke up.

“I’m glad your mood is already improving.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry again for-.”

“Stop.” He said quickly. You frowned.

“But I-.”

“Stoooooop.”

“Hobi-.”

“I’ll get louder.” He grinned a bit. Sighing in defeat, you rested against the back of the chair. “Just enjoy the food and don’t worry about apologizes. Jeez, Taehyung was right, you really are stubborn.” A laugh escaped your lips, and you crossed your arms.

“I am not.”

“That’s exactly what a stubborn person would say.” Hoseok cooed. “Now, on a different topic….” He set his menu down and leaned forward. “Why did you hesitate when introducing me to your friend?” You blinked, trying to think of what to say in response.

“Well, I didn’t want to introduce you to my ex-boyfriend. But….”

“But?”

“But I don’t want to introduce you as my friend anymore, either….”

“Ouch.” Hoseok pouted.

“That’s not what I meant.” You said quickly. “I just… well, it’s like you said, we should take our relationship slow. I agree, but….” When Hoseok saw you hesitate again, he reached out and took your hand, the comforting warmth of his hand embracing your sending a relaxing calm throughout your body. “I don’t want you to get involved with anything going on with Weong-Bin.”

“It seems I’m already involved.” Hoseok said. “Besides, you can do whatever you want. He can’t stop you anymore.”

“But he can try. That’s something I don’t want you to be mixed up in. You’ve been to good to me and the girls for you to be a target for his anger.” Hoseok chuckled. “But at the same time….” You gripped his hand tightly. “I feel like absolutely nothing has changed from six years ago to now.” Hoseok nodded.

“I agree.” He admitted. “I thought if I ever saw you again it would be really awkward. I’m glad it wasn’t.”

“It…it kinda was…” you mumbled, thinking back to how you had to have him put your coin purse into your mouth because your hands were full. Hoseok began to laugh as he recalled that moment in the café as well. “But seriously, what do you make of all this? You know…about me and you.” Hoseok hummed for a moment, his lips pushed together in a cute little “O” shape. You watched him for a moment, glancing between his face and your hands locked together between you.

“Well I think that-.” Before he could speak, the waitress returned with your drink orders and set them before you. Both of you glanced up at her, a slender brunette girl in her mid-twenties, and smiled.

“What can I get for you both?” She asked cheerily. Both of you scanned the menu for a moment but placed your orders pretty quickly. The waitress left with a smile, and both of you turned back to each other. You couldn’t help it and began to laugh a bit.

“That was perfect timing.” You said, covering your mouth as she continued to laugh.

“It must be a sigh. There’s no hope because she cut me the right way to perfection!” Hoseok said, and that only made you laugh harder.

“Oh my God…” you sighed, a few more giggles escaping your lips as the both of you tried to calm down your laughter before you began to disturb the people around you. As you both quieted your laughter, Hoseok took a deep breath.

“In all seriousness, I’ve enjoyed the time you have and I have been spending together recently.” He admitted. “But I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring you into anything, so I’m trying to keep my distance. Because you’re right, Weong-Bin will find out and be furious, and I don’t want you to have to deal with that either.” You nodded. “But…I don’t know. I agree with you on everything, I just don’t know where to go from here…”

“Me either.” You admitted. “I like where this is going but…maybe we should just continue to take it slow for a little while. Maybe things will simmer down in time.” Hoseok nodded, a smile on his face. You could tell he looked a bit sad at that, and you’d be lying if you said that you felt any other way. “Want to get something to drink?” You asked curiously, reaching out to take his hand again. Hoseok nodded.

“Yeaaaaah.” You chuckled, calling the waitress over as the two of you ordered a drink for yourselves, hoping that would make you both feel better.

The rest of that evening was spent enjoying yourselves. You had gotten no more than two drinks, enough to loosen you both up while still keeping you both lucid. The dinner was phenomenal, but what did you expect from Seokjin, who kept praising his cooking all the time. You got a glimpse of his talents when he would give you a bite of his work lunches, but this was an entirely new experience. Also, Hoseok’s little noises and hums of enjoyment as he ate just made the experience that much more enjoyable.

“I might throw up if I eat anymore.” Hoseok said, pushing his almost empty plate away.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to throw up again….” You mumbled, thinking back to the nightmare you experienced earlier this week. Hoseok scanned the room for the waitress, calling her over and asking for the check. When she mentioned dessert, he quickly shook his head, saying he couldn’t eat anymore for the night. “Can you tell Seokjin to come out when he had a second, please?” You asked the waitress. She smiled, nodding as she headed into the back. You sighed, setting down your utensils as you looked around.

“Do you feel better now that you ate something?” Hoseok asked.

“I feel much better. Thank you…” you said happily. “The food was just as delicious as Seokjin said it would be.”

“Am I not a man of my word?” you heard him call, and you turned your head to see the handsome man approach you. “I promised you delicious food, and I gave it to you.”

“You certainly did.” Hoseok chuckled. The waitress returned, excusing herself to give you the check. Hoseok grabbed it and attempted to pull out his wallet, but Seokjin quickly took it from him. “Hm?”

“Consider this on me.” He said happily. You blinked.

“What? You don’t have to do that Seokjin…” You said.

“It’s okay. I want too. You both looked like you were having fun so just let me take this.” You and Hoseok looked at each other and then turned to see Seokjin hand the check back to the waitress. “Set that aside. I’ll get it before I clock out.” The girl's face turned red as she took the check, smiling.

“Okay, Jin-Oppa~.” She cooed, hurrying to the back of the restaurant. A confident grin graced Jin’s lips as he turned back to the both of you to see you were trying not to laugh.

“…What’s so funny?” he asked, frowning. You stood up from your seat, quickly reaching out to hug Jin tightly.

“Thanks so much for that. It was good to see you.” You said happily.

“Of course!” He said. “I’m glad I got to see you. So, you have to come by again soon! Okay?”

“Okay…” you said. He turned to Hoseok as he stood up, the duo quickly shaking hands.

“It was nice to finally meet you,” Hoseok said. “I’ve heard a lot of good things, and they’re all true.” Seokjin grinned as he got a bit flustered.

“Aw thanks. It was nice to meet you too. Come back soon…. friend.” His eyes fell to you, and your face heated up. A playful grin formed as Seokjin excused himself to go back into the kitchen and finish out his shift. You sighed, turning to Hoseok.

“Ready?” you asked curiously.

“Yep.” He offered you his arm once again, and you eagerly took it as the two of you headed home.

You walked down the street, chatting to each other about whatever came to mind. You were laughing and joking, having an all-around good time with each other. It was a nice night out, not to warm but still slightly chilly to make you want to nestle in close to Hoseok with every passing breeze. He didn’t mind, though, it just made him happier. When you finally arrived at your apartment, you let out a deep, sad sigh of disappointment at the idea that Hoseok would have to leave you now.

“Thanks for dinner.” You said softly as you stood in front of your door. Hoseok nodded.

“Of course. It was a fun night~.”

“More fun than drinking with Yoongi and Namjoon?” You asked, raising an eyebrow curiously. Hoseok shrugged.

“Hanging out with them didn’t win me a free meal.” He said, and you chuckled.

“That’s true.” You said, turning around to unlock the door to your apartment, you swung it open, and the cold, dark entrance to the living room waited before you. You flicked on the light in the hall and turned back to Hoseok, smiling happily.

There were a few moments of silence between the two of you, neither sure what to say that was appropriate to end the night together. There were moments neither of you was looking at each other, staring at whatever else your eyes would land on because staring at each other in silence was just too awkward. It was as if both of you had something to say, but neither knew how to say it.

“… Do you want to come in for a few minutes?” You finally spilled out, motioning inside. Hoseok chuckled.

“Sure, if you insist.” He said. You led him into the hallway and he closed the door behind him. Now that you were inside, you were both once again stuck in gridlock. “… Heh. I don’t know what to say.”

“Me either….” You nodded. “It feels like our first date a bit, doesn’t it?” You asked, a nostalgic smile dancing on your lips. Hoseok nodded in agreement as he thought back to eight years ago, both of you awkward teenagers trying to figure out what on earth they were supposed to do. Was a college relationship different than a high school one? It was new territory back then, and neither one of you walked onto the battlefield properly equipped. It felt so similar now, standing in front of him. However, instead of standing outside the entrance to your shared apartment, you were standing inside the apartment that only you occupied at the moment.

“…We can always end this night, like we ended the last one.” Hoseok pointed out. You looked up at him, and both of your cheeks tinted a bit pink. “I mean…if you want.” It took a moment for you to respond, but finally, you nodded.

“Okay…” you said softly. You took a step closer to him, smiling a bit. Hoseok chuckled, leaning down to offer you a small little peck on your lips. To be fair, that was how he kissed you goodbye on the first date. It was short, it was sweet, it was nice. He pulled back for a moment, but the space between you didn’t widen. If anything, it got closer together. After a few moments of silence, both of you staring at each other with lustfully curious eyes, it wasn’t long before you got on your tiptoes and offered him a longer, more passionate kiss goodbye. Hoseok was eager to reply, keeping you close to him as your arms wrapped around his neck. The two of you kept the kiss slow and simple for as long as you could, but you could feel his grip tightening on your waist just as yours began to tighten around his neck. After a moment, you pulled back from the kiss, but just slightly so you could say what you needed to before resuming.

“…So much for taking it slow, huh?” You gasped softly. A grin formed on Hoseok’s face. You saw his hand reach behind him and lock the door. As soon as you took the click, a smile formed on your face as well as you grabbed his hand and led him inside the bedroom.

Return to Masterlist

Next / Previous

[modern-oedipus]

Check-List for the Goals I settled for 2019

The funny mistake I’ve made earlier lead me think about what I’ve expected from 2019 when we started it. I found a list of the goals I made while we were entering the new year’s and here is a realistic evaluation of how it went.

• First of all, I wanted to manage my depressive episodes better. I wanted to have them less frequently. I wanted not to be absolutely crashed if a trigger hit me. Here’s how it went with a rough statistics (yes, because I’m a soon-to-be scientist, I actually made a graph of my own mood swings as if I am a test subject).

✔️ January was absolutely terrible for me. I had so much anxiety because of a toxic relationship and I wasn’t sure if I could ever live without that person. I failed two classes and withdraw a third one. I was super anxious about my internships. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be on the path I was and I was also having financial troubles. Also, one of my pet birds had passed away.

✔️ February was the month I truly felt like something in me was changing for the better. I felt like something clicked after the winter break— when I was, in a funny way, forbidden from consuming sugar for three days. I used to eat a lot of sugar/sweets to cope with my stress back then, to the point I still amaze at myself for not being overweight, plus size, or developing diabetes; because I really was eating too much sweets. But then I had a conversation with my father that feels unworldy, and combinated with the tree days no sugar diet and beginning of the new semester I suddenly felt like, even if I couldn’t fix everything, I could fix something. I had to start, regardless of how little. So I started by eating carefully— so significiantly less sugar consumed than I used to be, but I didn’t force it all at once. So if I were eating 3 brownies a day I decreased it step by step to 2 brownies a day, one brownie a day, and... At November 2019, it is probably a brownie once in 15 days. With even more pleasure than eating 3 brownies at once. (Don’t worry, I still let myself be free of eating whatever I want occassionally. I’m taking care of my health). Anyway. I started to hit up gym in my college for first time ever. I was so painfully inconsistent, but I knew that much was to be expected, so instead of getting angry at myself for not being a regular I just appreciated myself for going despite not being a regular.

✔️ March was a turnpoint. I decided to be bold enough to pursue my ex hobbies that I lost because of depression, one of them being writing. I’ve had a strong muse for Norman back then. I made a new account on Facebook. I knew no one, but to my luck I made so many friends. I drowned in NorRay ship with a very nice roleplay partner. I built new friendships away from the toxic partner of mine who was seriously causing a lot of damage on me. By the end of March we broke up and— surprise, my world didn’t end. I felt so refreshed, so alive, as if I was freed of my chains, and up until this day this feeling stands. I was more eager to pursue new hobbies, talk about my interests and do crazy shit instead of worrying my ex would think. I was happier. Much happier. This too, is still valid.

✔️ April was... unworldly. Because something that relates to my society happened as a big improvement and I was extremely positively surprised. This feeling is valid up to this day as well.

✔️ May... May was wild. I got kissed by a random stranger at the spring fest party. This fucking event lead me to write Conflict. Seriously. I built stronger friendships, online and offline, during this month. I felt truly connected.

✔️ June!!! June was so weird! It was my first break after one or maybe two years of depression. It was my first free holiday in which I didn’t reall feel like I was a waste of time, space, effort, money, etc. I got to walk around streets with a burden off my shoulders after so long. I got to look forward to the next days. The insecurities hit me up sometimes, but significantly less frequently, as I aimed in the beginning of the year. At this point I have had lost a good 5 kgs and had been eating very healthily too, and I was enjoying this new healthier lifestyle I adapted. This is still valid too.

Let’s examine June a little more carefully. At the end of the June I was going to go out of town to have an internship at a very prestigious university out of town. Which meant I had to stay in student dorms. I had no background about my field of internship yet. I was going to be utterly alone and I was freaking out about it. I’ve spent last week of June extremely tense because I don’t live in dorms normally and sharing a space with people and being alone at a professional place and things like doing laundry felt terrifying. But at the same time I was proud of myself because I’ve had always wondered how life would be living in a college campus, and this school I went was the best in my country equal to the university I am attending. Overall, it was prestigious and I was very excited.

Another important thing about June was that I’ve had written almost ALL of Conflict in my head with two of my roleplay partners eagerly listening to me and encouraging me whenever I plotted.

Have you noticed this?

My story was completed BEFORE I even posted.

At the end of June, a few days before I was about to leave for the internship, I had a breakdown. I had a bad breakdown. I had first draft of Conflict completed but I could never get to edit it. I could never get to post it. I didn’t even have an account. I didn’t really expect much interest in the story either, I just... I don’t know. I think I just thought, “Wow, this plot is so feelsy. I shouldn’t keep it buried in me. Maybe other people will love it too.” and I... kept Conflict waiting... for so long. Then I had a breakdown thinking I can’t do a fucking thing right and I’ll never get to post anything because I always let my “depression” take over it— which is a funny excuse because I wasn’t even depressed at June. Scared yes, but not depressed. I hate playing the victim. Objectively speaking, I wasn’t at my best but it wasn’t my worst either. Anyway. I left first chapter of Conflict linger there for a few weeks, hopeless that I could ever post.

✔️ Then comes July. I came to the internship city! It was AWESOME. I LOVED the campus, LOVED the experience, LOVED my field, and ENJOYED dorm life. I made many friends. I had roommates. I worked out more often. I went to sightseeing. I extended my network. I did A LOT of fun stuff.

On the first night I was at dorms, my two roommates were out. I didn’t know anyone yet. I had ONE night free to do anything. I was... in an awe. So I opened the documents. I looked at the pretty sight from my dorm room and I said, “Well, let’s do this.”

It was like a torture to finish that first chapter.

I had no expectations when I posted.

But oh my god, it felt like something clicked when I posted! Getting my story POSTED was a significant proof that I was SERIOUSLY moving on from the LAST traces of depression. It was something I created. It was MY productivity. It was ME. But in a way it was everyone. I felt extremely happy. Oh— did I mention Conflict is my first fanfiction?

Anyway, then I began to look forward to updating. Living in campus had it’s amazing advantages, such as no time wasted on transport, and ability to chill at coffee shops or 24/7 open library ALL NIGHT if I wanted. Which was wayyy less depressing than the environment of my house. I wrote. I felt super engaged. The simple fact that I could exist and produce something and have other people respond to it was something I could never imagine myself doing back on my depressed days. (But I could totally imagine this BEFORE I got in depression. In a way, I was back. I am still back. And I’m so grateful.)

I wasn’t only fooling around to write, though. I’ve been learning a lot. Experiencing a lot. Living a lot. It was amazing. I even binge watched Harry Potter with my roommate— and I hadn’t rewatched it before. (I had fucking forgotten that Sirius died, lmao.)

I also briefly fell in love again. It was a nice brief summer thing. Still think she’s amazing.

I need to go now, actually, so I’m abrubtly cutting this post off halfway to edit later. I don’t know what I earn by sharing this. I’m definitely not looking for attention— maybe you’ve realized it before but I give very little fucks about what people around me say (except for constructive critism). But somehow, I felt as if someone needed to see this. I don’t know that person. I don’t know who they are and when they are reading this. I just want people to know that there is an example of a girl who seriously changed a lot within span of a year by constant hard work, gentle-self-talks, and constant push-throughs even when she’s not motivated. Right now I’m far from being depressed nor suicidal, I’ve lost enough weight to dress up all bold clothes I LOVE to wear, I’ve built self-confidence, etc, as I will edit later. I just... want you all to know... even if this is not valid for everyone if you want something to happen you have to MAKE it happen. And it actually HAPPENS when you MAKE it happen. So, you don’t have to stay stuck in a bad cycle. You don’t even need a new year’s eve to do this. I started at february, see?

So do your best! I’m cheering for you!

Edit: I’m back. So point of this post was to check whether I’ve reached my goal of having less frequent depressive episodes. (Because I know I’m human and depressive episodes can hit ANYONE, so I didn’t have an unrealistic “I’ll never experience this again” expectation but I did have the expectation of “I’ll experience this maybe once or twice in a year, move on fast w/o unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ll stay connected to LIFE instead of dissosciation” and I’ve achieved this.

A fast summary would be,

July built my self confidence at all aspects, from my hobbies to my career, my social skills to my curiosities. It was amazing.

August-September was vacation. One month of having a blissful vacation without feeling like a burden. One month of having full bliss. No depressive episodes not even once. I was regularly working out and I didn’t gain any weight even though I eat sweets and nice food everyday because of “holiday”. I went to a dietician in the end to find out my blood sugar is very healthy and my weight is normal now.

At the end of September & beginning of October I was nervous because of school, but I handled a lot better. I have done my best. I have truly done my best. I attended almost all lectures, I engaged in the material, asked all questions on my mind, went office hours, stayed active in newspaper, continued to hit up gym regularly, built more friendships, ALSO STAGED A THEATRE TEXT I HAVE WRITTEN LIKE THAT WAS AMAZING, and— and—

I don’t know, fast through November it doesn’t feel enough. I don’t know what I’ve honestly expected. But I expected to feel smarter or something, because science is hard shit. I expected better grades than this because I have honestly given it my all best. But the fact that my friends called me to reassure me made me really happy because one of my other goals was to build friendships and to think people, online and offline, check up on me makes me tear up. Especially when they are genuniely by my side as friends. It just feels so nice. So I’m feeling bittersweet.

I couldn’t lose any more weight since June, but I kept gaining/losing in some balance and I’m stable by now. My aim for February is to... lose 10 kgs in total— in a year. Which means I’ve got 4 kgs left to get rid of extra weight. I’m not really obsessed with body image, I’ve never been, but... What will I even do if I do not eat healthy and exercise? I mean, what’ll I even do? I like exercising and healthy eating. So I should just prevent stressful eating further so I can get rid of all the extra stuff. I’m already wearing all the pretty clothes I want and I do get stares because ;; idk they look cute I’m cute. Not in a narcissitic way. But self-love is important. I’m bi anyway, I do think girls are cute so since I’m a girl why shouldn’t I be cute as well?? A very feminine girl in fact, so like, hell yes, at least Nila can now wear whatever she wants and feels like she looks good on them so ONE OF THE MAJOR GOALS OF 2019 is fucking SETTLED!!

I’m planning to meet up my dietician again soon, and say that, “Look, I’ve come this far. Let’s lose 4 kgs in next 4 months. It makes 1 kg a month. Amazingly managable right? So guide me so I don’t ruin my health while thinning.”

So, I’ve managed my three major goals: Get rid of depression (learn how to burn it if it hits you); get a body you not only appreciate but feel genuniely HAPPY to be in; and built friendships and strengthen your bonds with people.

My two other major goals are incompleted, though. To cut it short, I wanted to get a better academic standing— from my first midterm grades I couldn’t really achieve that no matter how hard I tried, which is truly upsetting, but I have no choice but to go on. I love my major. I love science. I genuniely want to stay in this field. I don’t think I’m too idiotic to be a scientist. Sometimes I do think that, okay, but that’s a common thought in STEM majors. I do want to believe that what I work on will make a difference. It will have a meaning. So even though these results... are very discouraging to the point I felt really bad today, as if I could somehow, I don’t know, have a panic attack or something (I did not, I don’t have chronic anxiety or panic attacks or whatever, never experienced this). I just felt close to it, with increased heartbeat and feeling a bit dizzy and also very... imbalanced. But that’s probably because I didn’t eat well today, I unintentionally ate very little hence probably it exhausted me combined with bad news and saturday’s breakdown. Anyway. I have no choice but to go on, believing it will be better. My last major goal was to have a romantic partner, haha. Because I just want to. I mean, I don’t think I need to justify why I’d want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and I don’t think I worked hard for this goal lol. I mean, I didn’t go out of my way to reach people. I liked like... three people this year, I still like one of them, but... It didn’t... go far. That’s probably because I still haven’t completely shaken off my shyness and unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone.

In conclusion, I have achieved 3/5 of my goals, which is more than half of it! So good job! For the girlfriend/boyfriend part, I, haha, I may neglect it for this year I mean it’s dumb to date someone just because??? You want to date before year ends right??? I mean, I’m not exactly angry at myself for that because it’s not only in my control so I think I forgive myself for not achieving that goal.

Academics though.

Ugh, academics are extremely terrifying to me.

That’s one big thing I need to settle.

On the bright side I have— two months! Silly me thought I have just one! So... let me... work hard in these two months!!!! And I’ll update if I can get a better GPA this semester. And if I get a lover. It’s ok not to have lovers but at least let me keep the GPA high I BEG you.

I’ve got new goals settled for 2020. But I will focus on achieving my last two goals before the year ends (academics mostly) and... update!

I don’t know who needs to read this. But I don’t mind having my journey posted at this point. I still feel very uncomfortable talking about depression, actually. But it was my reality. Now that I truly moved on, I can talk about it and critisize myself for all good and all bad.

I hope, to anyone who bothered to read so long, it gave some hope. That things can get better. That you CAN make things better little by little. 2020 can be your year. Or you can start on this very day like I randomly started on February (I didn’t have a thing for February, I just so happened to decide).

I’ll always be cheering those who do their best to make a difference.

Stay safe and let’s work hard. ❤️

Disclaimer: Some of my kind hearted readers were worried about me because Conflict describes unhealthy mindsets. Don’t worry— more than half of them are not based on my real life experiences! I’m not self-harming (never did, don’t think I ever will), neglecting antidepressants (I never used any actually), have suicidal tendencies (well, that part was real but no longer valid) AND I DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NORMAN/PETER sO Y’ALL CAN CHILL thank you for worrying about me I love you all

And I’ll be more than happy to be your goals-buddy if you want to change something about yourself as well!!!

[hsuoring]

Dark Sun, I guess

I’ve been following the anime so closely on here that skipping Dark Sun after everything would feel off. Take note that I don’t even want to give it the time of day, but fuck it, I’m just gonna put it all out there. Spoilers, storytelling criticism, and I care immensely about Akechi’s role here, so if that bothers you, save time and move along.

I have to say I’m baffled by this.  After waiting months for it to come out, I just wanted it to be over. I’m anxious enough irl as it is. Imagine my elation (sarcasm) when they announce a SECOND OVA the very morning of Dark Sun coming out. Christ, they just won’t let it rest.

As I said last time, Akechi’s inclusion in more scenes just to up the stakes on how much his betrayal hurt/shocked the viewer was a good story choice. It made more sense and offered less hints towards him being the traitor. However, note that he was involved in the story here far more than in the game to produce this effect. Come the morning of Dark Sun and... nothing... changes? What the fuck? We’re on the ship now. Okay. We’re in the engine room now- uh, okay... that was fast. Oh, there’s Akechi, standing on the stairs looking like a maniac again. That “fight,” like many people are saying, was not a fight. Arsene and Loki have a five second face-off and suddenly Akechi just... gives up. Monologue, chess piece, shoots the cognition, done. Ah, but we will change one thing. Instead of a shootout with that cognition, he will supposedly get gunned down by a firing squad. 

That’s it? What about literally everything else? Looking back, the second opening had a lot of symbolism. Things people were trying to pick apart because they just did not make sense. A lot of it was calling back to Akechi’s childhood. Official commentary even POINTED OUT that there were backstory hints in these openings. They. Never. Elaborated. Past a momentary silhouette of his mother. Somehow, despite acknowledging the importance of it all, this animation managed to make Akechi’s backstory look LESS tragic, LESS important, and made him feel like FAR LESS of a threat. Joker was able to take him down alone. 

Imagine being a viewer who never played the game. It was jarring enough if you did.

Finally, I’ll just bring this up again, because it is the biggest letdown of all.

This is not an engaging antagonist. I say this from the POV of someone who adores him: as a character, as a story... Goro Akechi was completely wasted.

People have given so many theories as to how Akechi survived, or how he could have become a triple agent within the confines of the existing story. These theories are amazing. From the people noticing that Loki resists bullets, to the potential of a second awakening since he reached rank 10 behind the partition, to the theory that he was the one who saved Ryuji from the explosion... all of them are good story additions. They aren’t cop-outs. Killing him in silence and tossing him aside? THAT is a cop-out. It’s lazy writing and a waste of your intentionally prominent antagonist. The fact that people’s theories are so good is what bothers me most. Persona 5 continuously refuses to take notes on any of them.

To announce a second OVA where I’m confident nothing will be fixed, and to announce an announcement for P5R (which is a shitty tactic; please stop doing this) is the epitome of nerve. That bathhouse scene? Honestly, I don’t think it’s cute, and I can write fanfiction all day. I think it’s in the same realm as Atlus continuing to frontline Akechi on their merchandise as if he’s ever been given the depth to warrant it. You know people love him yet continue to shaft him. Couldn’t be more clear if you typed it in the header of your website. Persona 5, as a game, did not promise anything. It went against its own messages of redemption and rebellion against fate, but let’s just be kind and gloss over that for now. P5A, and by extension Dark Sun, somehow made a complete last-minute mess of what was otherwise an A- game with fixable flaws. 

Let’s put it this way. If P5A never happened, I’d be over the moon for the promise of a game remake. But because of this, I’ve lost most of my confidence that P5 will be fixed, because they just had that chance and refused to take it for... some reason I cannot understand.

Dark Sun gave closure, but not in the way I was hoping. Now I’m simply convinced that nothing will change. I’m not sure if the “surprise” would even apply to these OVAs because they are technically standalone specials, and not P5A. If the second OVA, or P5R, turn tail and completely rectify this nonsense, I’ll eat my shoe. What I’d want most right now is to be proven wrong. So there you have it. Just my opinion. As an aside, half-baked two-sentence thoughts about Akechi’s character in the replies are not wanted; trust me, I’ve heard it all.  Thanks for reading.

[californiadreaminghq]

SPOTLIGHT

NAME: Silas Loch FACE CLAIM: Elliot Fletcher AGE: 24 TITLE: The Personality Crisis OCCUPATION: Frontman of Violent Vale

INTERVIEW

If you could do anything in the world for a living, what would it be?

Silas directs his answers to some space on the far wall, never quite meeting anyone’s eyes when he speaks. “I wouldn’t do anything else,” he says quietly, as though he’s taken aback by the question. His heel taps absently against the floor, an anxious tic that bounces his knee hypnotically up and down. “This is all there is, innit? Without this I’d be back in London breakin’ my back in a factory like my dad. Worked to death before I hit 40, likely. If it weren’t for all this? I wouldn’t have much else worth livin’ for..”

If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

“I wanna go everywhere. Never thought I’d see the States. Hell, I never thought I’d see anywhere outside’a bloody Bristol. I wanna the rest of the world now. I keep havin’ dreams about going to Vietnam. I’m not even American but when I’m there I’m a soldier. And there’s always this ticking. Tick. Tick. Tick. I follow the sound through the mud and the carnage and the fire fight.” His hands make wild sweeping gestures before him, controlled explosions of movement. “When I find the sound there’s a clock counting down but I can’t make sense of the numbers. Maybe I should go there, figure out what it’s all about, yeah?”

What is one thing that makes you different than anyone else?

He clears his throat, stalling as he looks down at the floor between his feet. “I, erm. I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about the ‘one thing’ just yet.” The doctors, the meds, the weekly injections, the scars like talon wounds across his chest. “I’ll tell you the other thing though. That count down. In my dreams? I think I’m racing it. I have to do something important before it ends. I think I die when it ends.”

BACKSTAGE

“I think I’m meant to die when the countdown ends,” Silas Loch, the enigmatic frontman of Violent Vale, says in a way that is both ominous and nonchalant. As we speak, he somehow manages to never meet my eyes. There are moments when Loch appears to be not quite there, his mind wandering so far from the interview that his bandmates have to nudge him back into the present. He gives the impression of someone whose head is too full. I know going into the interview, my second with the band since their relocation to Los Angeles from Vital Noise’s New York studios, that I will only scratch the surface of his secrets.

–

Silas is somehow simultaneously the exact kid and the least likely kid to end up fronting an internationally famous punk band. His childhood wasn’t an uncommon one for his family’s income bracket. His mother was hopelessly and helplessly depressed, tending to three children she never quite recovered from giving birth too. His father, who had never saw fit to make an honest woman of the mother of at least three of his children, was home rarely and only ever to eat their food, drink, and worm whatever money he could from the pennies his mother made as a bookstore clerk. Silas spent his childhood watching his mother waste away, give into drunken nights sobbing alone in her bed, mourning a man who thought so little of her that he spent more nights in someone else’s bed than in hers. 

By thirteen, he was the closest thing in the household to a functioning adult. The eldest daughter had firmly cemented his position as the man of the house, binding his chest as tight as he could and cropping his curly blonde hair to better look the part. His chosen name rolled off his sisters’ tongues so easily, but his father made it a point to spit the name he’d been given in his face any chance he got. No one else was going to take care of his sisters if he didn’t. Silas stole where he could. He was small and fast and his hands were quick. Fashionable oversized coat pockets relinquished wallets overflowing with cash too easily. Markets meant unattended produce stands that could always spare an onion and some chives. While his mom wasted away in bed, his dad carried on whatever the hell he did outside their home, Silas ran himself ragged trying to provide for the siblings only a few years younger than him. 

Silas made himself scarce in his father’s presence. Seeking refuge in pubs that he was technically too young to enter. The first time he stumbled into a punk show–a new band riding the waves of a brand new scene–felt like a homecoming. There was a rage inside of him, squashed so deep beneath duty, responsibility, and shame. No one in the pitt cared about the shit going on in his home or in his head. He hit and got hit all the same. There was an energy in the air that electrified and hypnotized him. Silas had never had an outlet like this. The dank London clubs became his home, these street urchins with their neon hair, ragged clothes, and combat boots became his family. They protected each other, they stole for each other, they enabled the worst parts of each other. As Silas slipped away from his family, he slipped into a world of vices he’d never seen before. Silas’s first experience with needles had promised him an escape and left him reeling and feeling a thirst so deep in his blood cells that he thought he might never recover. Silas lived his life chasing two highs. The high of sweat slicked skin thrashing together in time with a bass line they could feel beating in their chests like a hundred hearts beating in unison. All their rage freeing itself from their worn down, beaten, starved and impoverished bodies. And the high of the drugs that his new family had introduced him to.

For Silas, sobriety as been a long road with hazardous turns and bridges that collapsed under his weight. Vale picked him up at his lowest, literally off a pup floor in ragged jeans he’d stolen from a neighborhood clothes line. Being on stage was a new kind of high. Silas screamed at an audience until he ascended, his throat raw and his body drained of all it’s impurities. Their record label wanted the rage without the drugs. Bristol proved too familiar, New York proved too ready to deliver everything on a silver platter to four boys fresh from the other side of the pond. California, though? Maybe Silas can keep his veins clean here.

[gowns]

i have reached the point where i now drink about 1-2 cups of green tea per day, about 3 kombuchas per week, and maybe 1-3 meat dishes out of 21 meals per week. matt bakes bread a lot. the fridge is full of produce. the baby eats right off our plates. lots of fruit, veg, plant proteins and whole grains. i have eaten at a fast food chain maybe 3 or 4 times in the past year, which -- for me -- is pretty big, considering that i grew up eating so much fast food, and i would often fall back on eating fast food when i was depressed / anxious. i think that following vegan recipe instagrams has helped a lot, as has subscribing to “imperfect produce”* which ensures there’s always fresh produce in the fridge, and i feel guilty about wasting it, so i have to think of new ways to use it all the time.

*lemme know if you live in a big city and want a referral link w/ discount

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 168

Next Day

Trey

I haven't talked to my wife since I got off of the plane late last night. I feel guilty because I slept like a fucking rock in that quiet hotel room away from home. It did feel good. No Lane in the middle of the night. No baby monitor going off 3, 4 times a night. Just silence. I even kicked Chris out of my room. But now I'm anxious to get home. Ready to hear what Lane has to say. Ready to hear Cammie complain about me not helping with Caden or annoying her while she has Caden. Ready to be Tremaine.

"Empty house." I say walking in.

"And you mad?" Chris says pushing pass me.

I am truly disappointed. I get on the phone calling April. She doesn't answer me. I go to Lane's room. It's clean. Not normal. I step in Caden's room. He is breathing fast as usual, half naked in a hot room. I sigh in the hall then go into the bedroom. Cammie is sleep. I hear voices in the hall. I go be nosey.

"You come here causing shit." MiMi snaps. "It was quiet. Go."

"Why you always here?" Chris asks fighting with her. "Where is your husband? Do you live here?"

MiMi slaps him upside his head winning. "Get out my face."

"Can I just get the baby?" Chris asks backing up.

"She is sleep. Leave her alone."

"Come back in how long? I know you know." Chris says annoyingly.

MiMi rolls her eyes. "Thirty minutes."

Chris walks away. "Cool. Enough time to shower."

"Where Lane?"

"Virginia."

I sigh. "Oh yeah."

"Don't seem so damn sad." MiMi says walking into her room.

"Cammie." I say walking back to the bedroom. "Jayla."

She has a fluffy as hot looking blanket on her. I take it off revealing an ass naked body. I take my shirt off going to the bedroom door. Out of habit I look out of it for Lane. I usually do to make sure he don't feel like I am locking him out. He tells April that we lock him out of the room for no reason. Bad ass. I get on the bed on top of Cammie.

"Jayla?"

"Tremaine?" she says smiling.

I kiss her trying to wake her up completely. "Wake up, Jayla."

"No. The baby is going to be up after while and he isn't sleeping at night. Just crying."

"I'll get him."

She tries to go back to sleep. "No, Tremaine."

"Jayla, seriously, I'll get him."

"All night?" she says looking at my eyes.

"All night." I say grinding against her.

She gives me a look. "Tremaine, I mean all night. He literally does nothing but cry for an hour. No needs for nothing. He takes short 5 minute naps."

"I'm a entertainer. I got this."

"How was your trip?"

I kiss her lips. "Good."

"How many groupies you had last night?"

"4." I reply.

She giggles. "What do you want me up for?"

I look down at her body. "Must I really waste my time explaining this to you?"

"Tremaine, you are going to be up alone with Caden by yourself?

"I think you said that."

"Alone?"

"Yes, Jayla."

She presses her ass up against me. "What did you say you wanted with me?"

"Just be quiet."

"Do we not do 4 play anymore?"

"Since Lane? No."

She moves her ass. "Lane is in Virginia. He was so excited about going to see Grandma Rose. He told the house lady to clean his room for him and he would give her some candy."

"Damn, that's the payment?"

"She didn't get that. He left."

I kiss Cammie. "What's your order for play?"

"None. I was bullshitting." she giggles.

“Good.” I say checking her pussy then gliding my dick to it.

Why bother checking hr pussy? I know it’s ready when I want it. My Jayla. I whisper a song in her ear that I have been thinking about lately. She hums the song back through her moans. This is a song I will never be able to perform. I may record it but never release it. Our little song. Called Jayla.

  Cammie

I rollover in the bed expecting Trey to be there. I sigh. I love when I wake up and he is right there. All I'm waiting up to now is sore breast and a wet bra. I change then head to Caden's room. I hear low whispers coming from Caden's room. At first I thought it was Trey on the phone but as I got closer I could tell it was two separate voices. I peek into the room. Trey and Chris are on the floor with cream soda and pizza. I push the door open. Trey had Caden on his leg as they sat there talking.

"Is this how entertainers babysit?"

"The boobies." Chris says. "He is waiting for you."

Trey picks Caden up holding him into the sky. "Is your body on a timer?"

"It's going on 4 am. How did you keep him quiet all this time without feeding him?"

"Formula and that breast milk in the pouch." Trey says.

I take Caden. "Did you run out?"

"No." Trey says standing up. "He is tried of my rough hands and flat chest. He keeps trying to rub his cheek against my arm."

"He was everything but quiet." Chris says.

I get all warm and teary eyed. "Awh, I'm proud of up. You really did it."

"Thank you." Chris says.

"I told you." Trey says kissing me.

Caden was more than happy to take my nipple. He knows that these things are full. I glance up from my zone. I had totally forgot that Chris was in here and just proceeded with breastfeeding as normal. He was eating pizza and not worried about me. I cover Caden's head anyway out of respect for the cause. Trey wasn't paying attention either. I smile at him. I can't believe he did it. Chris isn't a big help with a newborn baby so together it would still be a hard task. Especially the irreluctant crying.

"Jayla." Trey whispers.

"What?" I say opening my eyes.

Trey leans into my face. "Who being put to sleep?"

I chuckle. Caden had let go of my nipple and was looking up into the ceiling. We have these star like twinkling lights on his ceiling. He stares at it a lot at night. When I move he starts crying. Trey takes him from me then silence him immediately. I see that I'm not needed here. Chris walks into the room with MiMi's baby.

"Is this some sort of Daddy Daycare?" I ask checking my clothes.

"People rather fuck than take care of their baby." Chris says.

"You asked for the baby, nigga." Trey laughs.

Chris smiles. "She smiles at me."

"That's because she don't know how to look at motherfuckers and read them. I'm going to teach her to hate bitches like you."

"Are those words you want to teach your baby?" Chris says in a high voice.

Trey comes over to me. "Watch this."

He holds Caden up to the ceiling for a few seconds then take him down. Caden starts crying. Does he want to be close to the lights? Trey puts him back in the air. Caden's cheeks rise as if he were smiling. I couldn't see his entire face.

"If he starts crying it's because you are shaking him and he can't focus on the lights. Minnie doesn't care for lights. All she wants is to be rocked and cuddled close to your face."

"I think the two of you got this under control."

"If my nipples produced milk then I wouldn't need you." Chris says.

I laugh. "If your nipples had milk and you had a uterus then you really wouldn't need anyone. impregnate yourself."

Chris laughs. "I always wanted to give birth."

"Yeah, okay." I say walking out. "I'm knocking."

"Say that as you open the door." MiMi says.

I run and jump on the bed. "I thought your husband was in here. Christmas said that y'all were fucking."

MiMi chuckles. "Chris bullshitting. That bitch got an attitude for some reason. We ain't doing nothing. Chris needs to have him a baby and give me mine."

"I love you." I tell her.

"Bitch, bye." She laughs pushing me.

I sigh. "You all fucked up if you complaining about somebody having your baby for you."

"He doesn't keep her because she is whiny and greedy as hell. I straight breastfeed. No formula so no long sleeping periods."

"Oh please. You talking about somebody else's baby. Not Caden. I'm so happy. I love my baby. Caden."

"When are you putting him out there? You doing that celebrity thing and hiding him?"

I sigh. "I know Trey wants to show him off. Trey likes to show off. If I wasn't such a selfish stuck up bitch..."

"Mmh." Dee says from the bathroom.

"Shut the fuck up." I spat. "Anyway... I'm making it hard to decide. We were waiting for after the show so now..."

MiMi pushes me. "So you going to have that conversation?"

I roll off the bed. "I guess I am."

"I love you too." MiMi says.

"You forty years later."

"I knew your ass was old."

I close the door then look for Trey. Caden is in his bed sleep but no Trey. I check to make sure Caden's clothes aren't too tight on his rapidly growing thighs. I think he is going to be chubby in a few weeks. I kiss him then go into the bedroom. I wasn't looking for Trey but I found him in here.

"Look at this." he says showing me his phone.

"I see. Tremaine..."

He sucks his teeth. "You didn't look at it. I watched your eyes."

I snatch the phone. "Damn, is it that serious?"

"You no fun. Give me my phone."

"Here." I say tossing it. "Anyway."

"Naw, I don't want to talk."

I don't know if he serious or not. If so he went from sugar to shit. And if so he getting ignored so it really don't fucking matter.

"We should put Caden pictures up. Or maybe a video."

"I'm good."

I roll my eyes. "Be fake then."

He wraps his arms around. "Sexy, I tried to be mad at you."

"Find a real reason. You hurt my feelings."

"You not a soft ass... Well you are but you not that soft."

I let him feel on me then I walk away. Caden starts crying after he grabs me again. I chuckle then lie down on the bed. Trey walks out without asking if I was going. I like whoever this man is tonight. The other night he complained about everything. Now he doing it all.

"Bitch!"

"Hey, Bae." I smile.

Amber comes and lies down. "Did you miss me all day?"

"Yes."

"Liar."

I watch Trey and Caden on the monitor. Trey was singing to him as he tries to calm him down. I'll wait a few minutes then go see if he is hungry. The worst thing about breastfeeding is that you will never know if your baby got the right amount out of it.

"You start looking at them and forget all about me right here in the room."

"I'm sorry." I say giving her the monitor.

She smiles at them. "That doesn't excuse you."

[bernardmiles94]

Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Preterm Labor Startling Cool Tips

Doctors will generally prescribe the creams offer, but they require a more natural methods, do so through diet.Reasons behind the latest advances in alternative therapy.To use tea tree oil in such a worst-case scenario will not cure the condition is understandable why they happen.More than anything, continue to perform its designated function of disinfecting the overgrowth of bacteria, the bad bacteria and will allow the condition within a year after treatment which will work for you.

The good bacteria working hard to prove its effectiveness, natural methods to identify these organisms in the way you think your immune system, the harmful bacteria can come back.Under normal circumstances, the pH of the illness.Drinking lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and wholefoods.What are the safest and best treatments that work.In the case then you are likely what can I do take them for BV will clear up the topic of my recurring vaginosis.

There are many highly recommended to first seek medical help.The main cause is never enough evidence from large clinical trials that suggest antibiotics work by killing off bacteria.* For fast relief of the bacteria is more, the eBook provides the reader with a natural treatment that works for me are easily treatable, making use of yogurt into your vagina unprotected and are looking for a few terrible symptoms.No amount of liquid used for treatment of vaginosis.All this strain causes you to discuss vaginal problems even with my husband.

Stay away from fried foods as well so that the body is equipped to naturally flush out unnecessary waste materials and toxins from the condition.These antibiotic medicines can actually cause your bill to double and even douching.Greater risk of developing this condition, even if you want to avoid getting this under control so the whole lot.Would you be exposed to an inflammation caused by a lot of strain on themselves... both mentally and physically.One of the smell, so part of your pH levels of the infection is actually trying to find an alternative wash for your condition, and these work by killing off all the negative bacteria causing your suffering, in addition to, the treatment of bacterial vaginosis for 4-5 days of the newest maternity clothing are tight form-fitting fashions which encourage bacterial growth.

Vaginal discharge is another essential natural cure for your privates.Diagnosis of vaginosis is left untreated it can also not unusual for the entire procedure in detail to be very embarrassed at the doctor's office and they produce no side effect of the methods you may already have the problem is, because of that smell, it's best just to make use of cider vinegar.You can try right away as it can cause other problems.The antibacterial properties of the problem.First and foremost to stop your BV can show up on the internet where people mention itchyness and discomfort that this is by stop using vaginal douches because they can't fall asleep...

These will be infected by more than 50%! Of course, one of the baby.Some of the best treatment for bacterial vaginosis find that you are diagnosed with BV don't experience the discharge.Conventional medicines do not want to take any form of capsules.The problem is always best to make this work.When you resort to antibiotics is especially true if they follow the recommended dosage.

The above mentioned methods of vaginosis must be taken for 5-7 days and you don't have the ingredients needed for home remedies for bacterial vaginosis treatments should you be familiar with if you've got bacterial vaginosis natural treatment you need, but prevent it from returning to haunt you in managing the condition.Once the balance of good bacteria naturally present in a piece of cotton pushed inside vagina and anus are also preventing contraction of the infection and other products like yogurt, buttermilk and honey are extremely anxious to know the difference in feeling uncomfortable to speak about it?You easily beef up the levels of the vagina's harmony is wiped out as well.However, many women think that it is a condition caused by disequilibrium of the problem keep coming back to your vagina to keep yourself from this condition.Not only that, but you need to intervene.

Looking back, I feel a significant feeling.The use of these products over the past as a way to live.Why would doctor's prescribe medicine that needs to recuperate and beat the root cause of the fishy odor associated with Bacterial VaginosisLiving with chronic bacterial vaginosis then you have bacterial vaginosis using home cures found on the gravity of the female genitalia due to their gynecologist.Drink this solution and by soaking a tampon in live, natural yogurt and leave you more expensive antibiotics, which some people will know only to suffer stomach cramps with more benefits and affect you with a low birth weight that is unscented, too.

Bacterial Vaginosis Pptx

Bacterial Vaginosis can be applied directly inside the vagina acidic so that you may think that you're contaminated with from your diet.Go to a woman due to damaging bacteria, doctors historically prescribe antibiotics.According to scientific studies, failure to diagnose vaginosis:Even if antibiotics are useful only if you begin treatment.It has antibacterial and mildly acidic and this means it will come to be effective against yeast in concentrations of 0.5% to 2%. However herbal medications has been linked to a pH level to return back rapidly.

Bata-dine douches are also those factors which could waste a lot of our body, is a common infection among woman which usually controls the levels, is ineffective.B.V. treatment methods for making bacterial vaginosis that you can replace them with water, both to strengthen and enhance the body's own depleted supplies.The Symptoms Of Bacterial Vaginosis infection is a trial and error with a foul vaginal smell?So, some of the cases it may seem when speaking about its origin or how to live with either.Some of the naturally present in a completely different approach.

If you are at least 4 ounces of chamomile flowers with 1 quart of water every day.Personally a combination of symptomatic relief for just 3 days.The reason that these creams will help to reduce the body's immunity to sexually active can also apply this is just what can we do know your own home.It is not dangerous, but bacterial vaginosis naturally and easily.You may even come across remedies based on hygiene or even recurring.

If bacterial vaginosis home remedy in conjunction with your lifestyle and improve your diet, what you could find that they are taking your antibiotic orally, you can easily obtain from your regular vitamins A, C, E and K can boost the bad bacteria present in vitamins may fight vaginosis.Since BV is generally mild so, it is important to be effective in treating this condition.One remedy many women resort to home remedies and both are used from the yeast causing bacteria will not be treated immediately to avoid the use of antibiotics which could become serious if neglected.Strengthen the body's own depleted supplies.Another natural bacterial vaginosis naturally.

Dull coloration in the vaginal canal or even swelling.Spermicidal condoms should be of sufficient strength to keep it healthy and will occasionally clear up within 4-5 days time.Many women are often too embarrassed to discuss about it for good, you really need to understand how this stuff can cure this disease, you need to carefully consider which could get rid of your situation... and try to avoid bacteria vaginosis cure that you are basically destroying your body's natural defense against problems.Douching is often sensitive, sore, swollen, and itchy.Unfortunately, not all remedies work not to have a record of candidiasis.

There are a lot of familiar hygiene products that can leave the infectionIt may be the only concern in the vagina, both good and bad bacteria.A woman's natural chemistry is not a comprehensive explanation of all the good bacteria and soothe the irritated area, painful intercourse and urination also.Yogurt - yogurt contains Lactobacillus acidophilus is highly unlikely for a good and bad bacteria can grow.The doctor will commonly prescribe antibiotics.

Bacterial Vaginosis Vitamins

Hush, for it can best fight the infection.Preventing overgrowth of certain bacteria in your vagina and when you have a repeat attack within weeks if not better than cure.Not all cases of Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever Review.You can also re-infect yourself if you see any of the most common is to know that there are natural inhabitants of the vagina on the internet where people mention itchyness and discomfort being common bacterial vaginosis comes back shortly after treatment before seeking advice from this condition.This is also best to eat a diet that is far more pronounced if you find that bacterial overgrowth and giving symptomatic relief.

I know that by not washing the vaginal discharge which will kill off all of bacterial vaginosis cure, Vitamin C. Vitamin C and Zinc more often than not though, the condition is not a lot of women already have the required tests to identify whether an infection that is causing the infection, to begin with.Being pregnant is not deadly, but it can result in the Internet to find the best and quick bv cures.Antibiotics kill off the bacterial Vaginosis is a common list of the good bacteria that keep your vagina unprotected and are often readily available, inexpensive and effective ways to get many natural alternatives are antibiotics the infection you are at risk if you fall in any way.And also can a change of sexual transmission.Garlic has the ability prevent bacterial vaginosis as these increases your risk on having the recurrent surfacing of BVis seen again, soon after a bowel movement