#or if someone were to approach me personally. id try to make them feel better!!

[kaleidoscopicbullettrain]

[olderthannetfic]

I feel like I keep seeing antis/anti-leaning people claim that proshippers are against discussions of racism in fandom. Obviously there is the basic bad faith interpretation (deliberate slander), which I'm not inherently against, but do you have any idea if there's a potential good faith interpretation of why they think this? Is there a specific fandom where the proshippers are actually yelling at the antiracists?

--

I get this question all the time, which is ironic since I tend to be public enemy #1 for the "AO3 is racist" crowd. (Or maybe they've moved on by now. I don't really keep up with them.)

No, there is no good faith interpretation. It's recycled Star Wars wank from 2015, SamSteve vs. Stucky wank from the same period, etc. etc.

The "anti-racists" in question include a lot of big names who should know better. Their central arguments boil down to:

The demographics of which characters get shipped and/or written about on AO3 are racist.

A lot of individual fics about characters of color on AO3 are racist.

AO3's refusal to "listen" and then censor is racist.

Fans of color "need" to be able to speak up about fic that is racist... in that fic's comments.

It's all ass-backwards because it focuses on the needs of the reader to find the content they want, which is content creator influencer hell, not the writer-focused AO3 approach.

The whole point of AO3-style fandom is that everyone has access to posting, and you can write what you want. Want more fics about your fave? Write them.

There are individual AO3 fics I find racist, but the vast majority of the discourse around the site focuses on things like writers who ship the black dude but use him as a prop boyfriend and not the single perfect tear woobie who's obviously their favorite. Is the pattern racist? Well, yeah, but you won't solve it by trying to restrict those fics. And the extreme form of this turns into a cliched top/bottom shipwar, which just makes everyone involved look like a moron.

Teaching people how to write their tops with personalities is far more likely to make the collective fic in a fandom less racist than demanding that they switch which pairing dynamic they're into. Making more original media where the man of color is the woobie in the first place would also help.

Plenty of the discourse is crying that such-and-such a m/m ship is super popular on AO3, temple of m/m, while gen about characters of color or some particular het ship with a nonwhite character is less popular. "Why don't you ship het instead of m/m" is a gigantic red flag for people who refuse to understand libido or accept it as a valid reason for anything.

A lot of the discourse is anti-kink despite lying about this fact. "Boo hoo hoo, I for sure psychically know who's a racist white person and who's a kinky black person whose id doesn't match up with mine!" etc.

There's also a lot of "This fic is race kink!" nonsense thrown around about any fic where a man of color has a big dick, as though penis size by itself is the racist cliche often summed up as "big black cock" and as though all ethnicities and nationalities are subject to identical stereotypes. This garbage gets uncritically repeated by newly-minted "woke" people falling over themselves to correct hundreds of years of injustice by yelling at others for a couple of days on twitter.

This is where the "you're calling me an anti to silence me" garbage comes from. Sound like a kink-hater, get treated as one.

AO3 does have bullying problems by now, and the various blocking and muting features were overdue. They are now being implemented, which is great. Anyone with half a brain cell should see that these are key anti-racist measures so that people can block idiots who write fic they hate or who leave shitty comments...

But a certain number of jackasses complain even about that because it will ~silence fans of color~ who need to go tell someone they're a racist in their fic comments.

These dumbass arguments have been circulating for years at this point, so the talking points have boiled down to catch phrases.

--

Damn right I'm against "discussion" when it means telling everyone that only white people would like nasty kink.

When the whiny "plz censor AO3" crowd stops sounding exactly like that asshole who used "freaks of color" in a past discussion about these kinds of things and when they're ready to discuss how to write extreme kink about their faves non-racistly without reducing the kinkiness, then I will be ready to listen to their arguments.

But they have none other than "write the kind of fic I like!"

[confetti-cat]

Random ask game: #4 but you're breaking me out of prison. What did I do? It's a secret.

4. have a scenario: you have to break someone out of prison, and you are allowed a squad of four people. they can be real or fictional. who are you picking?

The stakes! The drama! I'm taking a guess that a hostile government encoded their plans for world domination in a seemingly ordinary fairy tale 50 years ago, and just before their scheme began to come to fruition, you were the first person to decipher their plans. You are now in a high-security prison in Capitolonia, the largest city of Madeupcountria.

My team, assembled through a hodgepodge of time travel and inter-dimensional portals, is:

Eugene from Tangled/Tangled the Series. With his background in going to and subsequently escaping prison, I would put him in charge of the team. (I am unfortunately wildly unqualified to lead this mission, so I'm defecting to those who have more experience.) He'll probably have a very good plan to sneaky-sneak/disguise/run very fast through the prison's security.

Zuko from The Last Airbender. If he can break Aang out of jail, I think he could help break you out of jail. The only problem might be getting him to work well with Eugene—their mildly different approaches to making names for themselves may lead to them each wanting to try it their way, but hopefully that still leads to the end result we're after.

Elsa from Frozen. I don't know, I just feel like terrifying the prison guards while we do this. Eugene is used to planning elaborate rescue missions with princesses who have unusual powers, so I think he'd be fine with this. Elsa would probably feel a little awkward at first (mood), but ultimately, a prison break expedition might end up being more fun than she expected. Since they seem like they'd work better together, I'd probably try to keep her teamed up with Eugene. (Although an Elsa and Zuko teamup could be great too. Those two honestly might make friends during a professional teamup. In a casual setting, I think they'd just be awkward at each other.)

The Florid Sword from The Wingfeather Saga. This one is admittedly 55% because it'd be entertaining to make everyone else work with him. (The other 45% is because he'd be a good choice for this; he's skilled in swooping in on ropes and fighting guards and what-have-you.) While his swordfighting skills would rival any legendary fantasy hero's, his real strength is his incredibly bad fake Olde Englishe accent, because he can confuse a room into baffled silence in seconds. Pros: He might actually beat the whole team to getting you out because it'd be funny. Cons: Would probably baffle our own team into pausing at inopportune times. I think I would team him up with Zuko, both to spare Eugene the minor exasperation and because the Florid Sword is canonically a very good father figure. I can picture them being a surprisingly good duo.

With a crew like this, I feel like we have a pretty good chance of success. I'm thinking:

We start the heist by having Zuko set off a fire alarm somewhere else in the prison. This serves as an excellent first distraction.

Eugene uses a stolen guard's outfit and ID, a la how he infiltrated Trevor's castle in In Like Flynn, to get into the guards' room and access whatever keys we need. We use the map he acquired prior to this (we don't ask from where) to navigate the complex.

(Sidenote - I do not know how high-security prisons work, so let's pretend they still have offices with rings of keys in them. I think they would realistically need hacked into. Should I have put Riley Poole on the team instead of the Florid Sword, considering that we're in modern times and there will likely not be much swordfighting? Yes, but it's too late to turn back now.)

(Double sidenote, trying to get Eugene and Riley to work together would be hilarious. The dialogue alone would make them perfect for a heist movie. We'll revisit this idea if anyone else needs broken out of prison.)

I'm running low on brainpower to finish the scenario, but trust me, it would be glorious. Your escape will be one for the history books. We will all go out for dinner afterward to celebrate, and that dinner will also warrant being written about. Your future autobiography will be rated the most engrossing read of the decade. 10/10 escapade, we would definitely need to take a group photo afterward.

[nogenderbee]

Hiii! I wasnt sure if u were still taking requests but if u are can i ask for the fluff alphabet with Shizuku for e, g, h, j and z? (if it's too much u can just pick whichever ones work for u ^-^) youre writing is so cute btw

Don't worry I take requests from fluff alphabet untill my fluff alphabet masterlist will be full ^^ And it's not a problem for me to do all so I hope you enjoy! (And thank you for compliment <3)

Shizuku E, G, H, J, Z fluff alphabet

⊱ Endearment ═ How much and how often do they need their lover affection? And what do they do when they really need their lover affection?

Shizuku absolutely adores affection, especially id it's from you. She will often hold hands when you walk together, hug you or give you butterfly kisses for doing good job at something. But she also isn't desperate for it. That's why if you refuse any affection from her she will be a little sad but will respect your boundaries, although if you keep refusing her affection for a week or more, she may start getting a little desperate.

"YN, just one hug, alright? I promise I won't take long! I'll even treat you to your favorite cafe if you want!"

⊱ Gesture ═ What are their gestures of love? How do they show their lover their love? And how would they like their lover to show love to them?

Shizuku is like a mom to you, she will always go after you asking if you taked lunch today to school or why aren't you wearing a scarf or literally anything else, but she's just worried for your well being! If you're fan of some idols, she will do her very best to meet you guys with each other or at least get some autograph and photos for you. If there was one day you forgot to bring your lunch to school, she makes 1 more lunch box for you, just to make sure that you eat properly.

So Shizuku would really appreciate if you could take some caring from her and erasure her from time to time that she's not troubling you. She genuinely would like if you could just listen to her and never make her uncomfortable or feel like she's doing something bad when she's trying her very best.

"YN! Why aren't you wearing a scarf?! It's so cold! So what if it's spring? It's still very cold outside!"

⊱ Hands ═ How do they hands feel like? And how willing or how often do they hold hands with their lover?

Shizuku hands are always very soft and a little colder than weather currently is, it's both a blessing and pain for you sometimes. When it's summer, her hands are absolute blessing on hot days, but on winter handholding with her brings you only more cold.

Shizuku also will split your fingers together whenever your walking together, and if you agree she would also really love to hold your hands before show or photoshoot, especially if she's anxious for some reasons. But if you would want more handholding than se already initiates then you only have to initiate it or say one word and she'll be right next to you splitting your fingers together.

"I just love to hold hands with you! You're always so soft and comforting!"

⊱ Jealousy ═ What makes them jealous? How easy it is to make them jealous? And how do they act?

Shizuku isn't really the jealous type, she trusts you too much and sometimes she just thinks that person flirting with you is only being nice. Although if someone flirts with you in very obvious way, and you won't even say anything that you two are together or even worse, you will flirt back, she will definitely get jealous which leads to her being extra clingy.

So when Shizuku is jealous, she'll immediately approach you and start asking you when you have time frequently reminding you and person you're talking to that she's your girlfriend.

If you start reassuring Shizuku that you're not cheating on her and she's the only one you love, she will apologize for her behavior feeling a little bad for the little scene. Although while you're reassuring her, you better explain why they were so flirt with you because she will definitely ask about that, and if it really was nothing she also promised to not judge situation so easily ever again. Although she still does... just not with the same person

"YN, here you are~ Do you have time to spend with your girlfriend?"

⊱ Zap into their heart ═ The moment they knew they fell for their current crush.

Shizuku had a problem to find the right person to love, she didn't wanted someone who would only care about her look after all. That's why he rejected another guy today just because when she asked him why he like her, he only said compliments about her look, and now she's telling this to you because you're her good friend.

"He clearly wanted to use you! But don't worry, you're so kind, caring, funny, a little silly and all the other stuff that someone must finally see it!"

Shizuku wasn't used to that but it really put a smile on your face, although she couldn't respond because of school bell so you said goodbye to each other.

Meanwhile Shizuku holder her hand by chest whole slowly walking to her class. You didn't said anything about her look, only about her character and you even said it's not all! You're truly the best she could ask! But she can't help but think... is friendship truly enough for her?

"YN complimented my personality so much today... They're truly amazing... I should probably ask Shiho or my group about this fuzzy feeling in my chest...!"

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

[joysmileyay]

today was really rough. as it always is when its time for school. i walked past someone today. they didnt see me or anything. they were in my anthropology class and we sat next toe ach other sometimes and we texted a little bit and said we should hang out and i tried to make that happen but then we just never did and then class was over and they never texted me again so i never bothered with it. so it really stung walking past them because its just another reminder that ive been in college 2 and a half years now and havent made a single friend. and at some point it was not for lack of effort. like ive tried. its like. i cant be mad or upset with myself because its not my fault is it? and i cant even be upset with that person either because well i recognize that theyre a very busy person and sometimes you just dont have room for another friend in your life. i mean shit just the other day one of a few people i know irl asked to hang out with me. we met up the other week. i decided i wouldnt have the energy to do this again, that i just wasnt really enthusiastic about them and like... i dont smoke weed and she and her friends do sooooo what would i even do. anyway i basically said yeah we arent gonna hang out again bye. and its like who am i to do that when im apparently soooo desperate for friends? i dont know. but the point is like i said if someone doesnt have the time or energy for me i get it. so i cant be mad at them, i cant be mad at myself. who the fuck am i supposed to be mad at about how lonely i am? also i cant stop thinking about how much i hate that im male because in my major seriously like 99% of the people are girls. and outside of that i generally am not interested in being friends with guys. like there are very few guys who i would approach purposefully and pretty much theyd have to be like me. and im not really a guy am i? like they have to be gay or bisexual or nonbinary or something and honestly just being gay usually isnt enough. anyway point is i hate that, outwardly at least, im a guy because i feel like the people i try to at the very least make small talk with or be friends with think im hitting on them. and its not like i fucking blame them. we all know how guys are. but beyond that it just feels like theres this barrier between me and the people who id look for companionship in just because i was born with a dick and it fucking huuuuurts dude. i feel like id have such an easier time connecting with these people if i was a woman. its so alienating and it fucking sucks. i mean deep down i basically am a woman or at least not a guy and they just cant see that. and i dont think transitioning would make that any better especially down here lol that person i was talking about is nonbinary so it hurts even more that we just didnt actually become friends because i felt so close to meeting someone who understands and then it just didnt work out. kinda feel like a caged animal that had a carrot dangled in front of it lolz! thanks for letting me whine

[hoonieyun]

just follow my lead

pairing: johnny suh x reader

genre: slice of life, angst? im so bad at these

plot: you find yourself alone with johnny in his room at a party

warning: slight nsfw, drugs and drinking, reader is peer pressured to smoke 

notes: this is a very similar situation to something that happened with me and my ex, i promise nothing crazy happens! pls enjoy! and if you find any typos or have feedback pls lmk!

mentions: mark and jaehyun

words: 1876

a few moments ago you were contemplating going to this party your best friend invited you to. your best friend mark is a 3 year frat member in neo kappa. the two of you are like two peas in a pod, but completely different from each other. mark is a ball of sunshine, making friends left and right, the ultimate life of the party. you, however, are the opposite. a bit more reserved and tend to keep to yourself, mark is truly what could bring you out of your shell. hes been trying to convince you to go to his frats party all week because the two of you had just finished midterms and he thinks you need to get shitfaced this weekend to release some steam. 

so here you are now, outside marks frat house trying to get in contact with him so he could come get you at the door so you dont have to awkwardly wander around the house and potentially run into someone you dont want to. you had been standing outside for a couple minutes and havent heard back from mark so you decide you were just going to take a breathe and just walk in. as youre approaching the door and reaching for the door knob, someone opens the door and you meet face to face with the one person you didnt want to run into. your ex, jaehyun. “woah. yn, what are you doing here?” he says halting his steps as he almost runs into you while youre trying to enter the house. 

youre just as shocked as he is when he asks you the question, because honestly, why were you there? “um, mark invited me, is he in there?” you ask. jaehyun grabs his phone to seemingly check the time and he shoves it back in his pocket. “yeah, he is. let me walk you to him” he says. “oh, you dont have to do that, its fine.” you respond and he just looks at you before you sigh and follow him into the house. youre walking through the familiar frat house, being reminded of all the times you awkwardly exited the house after a night with jaehyun, cringing at the memory. 

jaehyun leads you to the basement where youre greeted with partygoers cheering and a game of beer pong. you spot mark drinking from a red solo cup in defeat and he returns the gaze when he finishes his cup. “yo! yn! i didnt think youd come!” he yells as he waves you over into a hug. “yeah, i thought id come, i didnt have anything better to do.” you confessed to him as you separate from your hug. “aye, jae i thought you were stepping out real quick?” a voice from the other side of the room asks and you shift your head to see who the voice is coming from. johnny suh, 2nd in command and VP in Neo Kappa. “nah, i decided not to” jaehyun responds and mark scoffs at him, “bro, you just decided to stay because yn showed up and youre still down bad for her just say that” mark says jokingly but deep down he and you know its true. “yeah, yeah. whatever. anyone wanna smoke?” jaehyun asks to change the subject. a few nods and “yeahs” are thrown around in agreement. mark asks, “you tryna smoke?”. you quickly contemplate your answer and decline but tell him you’re going to grab a drink and meet them out back where theyre planning to smoke. 

you enter the kitchen and grab a drink but not before you take a deep breathe. you didnt realize how much seeing your ex would affect you even though it has been almost half a year since you broke it off. you and mark never really say it out loud so him calling out jaehyun for still having feelings for you was a little jarring. you find your way to the frats backyard and see them sitting around a small bonfire, mark sitting on a lawn chair. you approach him and he asks if you want to sit in the chair hes in but you just shake your hard, opting to stand next to him. you take a sip of your drink when a tall figure approaches you with a chair, “here, have a seat” johnny says with a smile. you quietly thank him and move the chair closer to mark, turning your head away from the crowd to hide the blush forming on your cheeks. 

everyones been passing the joint around and youve breathed in enough smoke to get slightly high. you close your eyes and shake your head slightly, trying to rid your head of this unfamiliar feeling when jaehyun notices you. “yn, you wanna hit?” he asks. you look at him for a moment before just shaking your head. “oh come on, its just some weed. youre not scared are you?” jaehyun responds and at this point hes getting on your nerves. you dont know if its a combination of the alcohol and the weed in the air or the anger getting to you but you just stand up and walk towards him. everyones eyes on you, waiting to see what youre about to do but you just grab the joint out of jaehyuns hands which shocks him, making him flinch. you take a lengthy puff out of the joint before blowing it back into jaehyuns face. when the smoke clears from obstructing your vision of jaehyuns face, hes got a smug smile on his face. you scoff and toss the joint into his lap and storm back into the house. this makes me panic as the joint was still lit, he hurriedly picks it up from his lap and dusts off the ash from his clothes. 

mark watched this go down and stands up to go after you but johnny stops him and just gives him a look, somehow letting mark know that he would take care of it. mark watches as johnny follows you and turns back around walks over to jaehyun asking him why he would do that. 

as youre walking back into the house, you have no idea where to go, you couldnt go home because you were too under the influence to drive and your apartment was way too far to walk. you find yourself walking up the stairs and passing by jaehyuns room. you give his bedroom door a kick but whip your head towards the stairwell when you hear a laugh. johnny is halfway up the stairs when he sees you kick the door and he laughs. “what?” you angrily ask. he laughs, “i know you wanted to kick jaehyuns room but he moved to that room.” he explains while pointing to a room a couple doors down. you huff and walk over to the door johnny pointed to and you kick it harder than you kicked the other door. “did that feel good?” he asks. you look at him before sighing, “god, jaehyun is such an ass.” johnny makes his way over to you, grabbing your hand and guides you to his room. you dont put up much resistance because for some reason, johnny made you feel safe even though this was your first real interaction with him. you had known him since mark joined the frat your freshmen year but never got the chance to talk to him. 

the two of you enter johnnys room and your met with a warm smell. hints of vanilla and oak. you look around a bit as johnny walks over to his bed and pulls something from under it. you watch him from the door and he invites you over to sit with him on the floor with slight nod. you walk over and sit across from him on the floor. “jaehyun is an ass. i dont know what you saw in him” he says, breaking the silence. he notices you dont respond so he looks up and sees you looking down, fiddling with the hem of your skirt. he inserts his hand with a joint in it into your line of vision and you look up with a confused look. “i know you probably dont really smoke and by the way you reacted to jaehyun forcing you to smoke, i thought i could give you a lesson.” he explains. “a lesson? like on..” you start before he finishes your question, “like on smoking, yeah” he says with a bright smile. this makes you blush, “i dont know, yeah i dont smoke but he was making me so angry i just wanted him to shut up. literally how most of our relationship was.” you confess. “dont worry, i wont force you to if you dont want, but i will say im a good teacher, i did teach mark” johnny says in a slight bragging voice. this makes the two of you laugh and johnny realizes how pretty you are, especially when you smile. 

“okay, fine. professor johnny, what do i do?” you ask while grabbing the joint from his hand. “woah, slow down. dont get too ahead of yourself pothead” johnny says after you snatch the joint from his hand. the two of you are laughing for a moment before he holds your hand in his and puts the joint to his lips, giving it a light with his other hand holding the lighter. youre just staring into his eyes as he lights the joint, breathing in, and holding it in lungs, before slowly breathing out. “just like that.” he says without breaking eye contact. you open your mouth to respond but nothing seems to come out. he notices your hesitance and says, “here, just follow my lead.” hes still holding your hand that holds the joint when he brings it to his lips and takes another puff. he uses his other hand to bring himself closer to you and softly holds your chin open and he slowly blows the smoke into your mouth. when hes released the smoke from his mouth into yours, he says, “breathe in. slowly.” and you follow orders. “good, just like that. now slowly breathe out.” and you do exactly that. the smoke clouding your vision of his face and when the smoke fades you see johnnys face, a lot closer than it did before with a smile that made you realize how handsome he was. “see, youre a natural” he compliments you and youre brought back to reality, blinking yourself out of a daze. “no, youre just a good teacher.” you tell him and he chuckles, sitting back down. “i told you im a good teacher” he smiles at you. a sudden wave of confidence whelms you and you crawl towards johnny and sit on his lap. you take a hit from the joint and connect your lips with his. his hands find themselves holding onto your waist and you grab onto his neck as he deepens the kiss. when the two of you separate, johnny breathes out and releases the smoke into your face, making you giggle. needless to say, you spent the rest of the night in johnnys room, getting to know each other, getting high, kissing, and just following his lead. 

copyright 2023 - present © hoonieyun fka jjhyn all rights reserved

all writing here is fiction & not in any association with characters mentioned.

[shanti-ashant-hai]

also i don't want to be taken as a joke or made fun of which i kind of feel like i will be if i approach them

like- this is not insecurity. it's genuine facts that our classmates will be gossiping like there's no tomorrow because that's just how they are, fast with their minds and brains and talks.

i also feel like it wouldn't be worth it. i know they were staring at me but- i'm afraid?

ok so there friend group is like- people good at studies who also party a lot and drink and stuff (i don't know the details) and anyone who can look at me or hear me can tell at the very first glance or sound that i am. hmm. utterly opposite of that. (opposites attract much? geez)

i'm afraid of getting hurt and regretting my actions later. that's just it. i'm afraid.

i'm afraid that making the first move will make me seem vulnerable.

also, my first and sort of recent attempt at being in a relationship crashed badly. i'm hesitant to try again.

well my advice is to just go for it. live everyyday with the motto of yolo, because who cares if this doesnt work out or if ppl gossip about you? theres so much in this world to see and explore and feel and sjksjskjs you cant let one experience stop you from living your life to the fulllest

however, it depends on what you think and want to do. personally id just talk to them and become friends (wise words from someone who took a year to tell her crush she liked him but we dont talk about that ahem-)

being vulnerable isnt a fault and its not something to hide. we're all human ans sensitive and so what if they judge you? lifes too short to be overhtinking about that

anyway, do what your heart wants bud. just remember, its better to regret something youve done rather than regret something you didnt (thats my philosophy- and its worked)

[oraclekleo]

Hi so you are wise to me and i like your bluntness so id like to ask your opinion on a matter

I do this combat sports and we are 2/3 women but it happens that im the only one and the rest being all men

Last time we were doing push ups and the guy next to me wasnt doing them proprely and the coach said something along the lines of "what the hell are those push ups shouldnt you try to impress the young girl next to you?" and i know its just a joke to tease the guy but i didnt like it im here to train like them not to be impressed by guys 😭 also i felt bad for the man

(also when the guys dont work hard enough the coach says they should go to the womens class)

i really like this coach as a teacher but its kind of annoying as a woman

do you see what i mean about the comment about impressing me ? maybe i am over reacting i know its not really bad or anything

Hello!

I totally get why the comment made you feel uncomfortable or angry even and it surely felt bad for the guy, too.

I mean this is the whole issue with the toxic masculinity going around. The coach clearly hints that the only motivation for someone to do better is to impress the opposite sex. The guy might not be even interested in women, or maybe, just maybe he also goes there only to do training and not to hit on women because that would be pathetic. The coach clearly has no idea what they are implying with it and you are right to notice that kind of behaviour. Next time don't be shy and tell them that you're not some sort of a carrot hanging in front of a donkey, that you are a person and you go there to do something for yourself and not to be used for anything. The coach in general sounds like a pretty annoying person to me. Using you as if you weren't a person to motivate someone, bullying guys, what's worse by again putting women down... I mean, I know this is a usual thing when it comes to sports but it truly needs to stop and really, if you feel uncomfortable about what your coach says or does, voice it! This is a person you should trust, they oversee your training. If they behave in a way that's disrespectful, they should know about it. You know... People will never change how they act or talk when they are not told that what they do or say is unacceptable.

I'm not saying you should start yelling at your coach but just politely and calmly express how such comments make you feel and how truly outdated and unacceptable they are. I have learned that the calmer and more reasonable and logical you remain in any kind of argument, the better chances for you to win because the moment emotions take over, you lose, no matter how good your arguments are because the other party, especially a man, won't take you seriously. So yeah. Calm and decent approach but don't feel shy and set the boundaries. Most people will understand the point and correct their ways when explained. Only psychos and freaks will continue doing something they were told not to.

Rooting for you and I hope you can feel safe and unbothered during your trainings. 💖💖💖

[wheres-rango]

Bridges and Bright sun - London: Day 4, May 12, sunday

last day in London! that means i have to do everything touristy i forgot to do in one day 😎 I got ready, fought with my bank trying to pay my brighton hostel (who let me pay in cash once we realized it wasnt going to work) and headed to the London Eye! I had a whole plan of things to do and ended up spending the entire day on the south bank instead. I found a cute little craft market at this semi-hidden place called “between the bridges” that looks like a normal entryway, but when you walk through is an entire garden area with multiple levels and food trucks and a pavilion. it honestly looks like everything ive ever tried to build in minecraft. Read on their signs that they were having a dj later so went around the market and headed out to finish the touristy things. I debated paying $60 to go up the london eye and then realized that no, thats absurd, its a glorified ferris wheel and isnt going anywhere. Continued walking along the path and thought that there was a pedestrian traffic issue going through this tunnel and then realized it was people lining up to take a photo at this one specific spot… it was a decent spot i guess

as i walked along the path i kept taking selfies of myself with big ben from different angles cuz they all seemed better than the last. After walking down enough to be satisfied i turned around and walked back to try and find food. i ended up sitting on the grass for a bit enjoying being in the heart of London when someone approached me complimenting me and asked me on a date (before even asking my name) so i went and hid in a street performer crowd after saying no because i had overheard the performer talking about his daughter earlier and knew id be safer lol.

in classic gluten free fashion i then went to track down the one grocery store i trust to make a gluten free sandwich and got my regular meal of a tomato and cheese sandwich and grapes. Like always, it was delicious, and £5.

took my time heading back and sitting on the grass by the london eye again before heading into the garden, where i met this mother and daughter who make it a point to come down there at least once a month, ideally once a week, during the summer. The daughter and i kept comparing canadian and british culture around rivalries and dating. A guy from Finland who was travelling was also sitting with us and we accidentally convinced him to get a Jager bomb because we were talking about drinks on a night out and tried to talk him out of it but he was convinced he had to have it to experience england. He did NOT look like he enjoyed it. He was like 70, so props to him for even finishing it, personally, i would not have at 70. Called it an earlier night and walked to the tube, the long way again, and walked past big ben during sunset. Another stranger approached me but this time asked for my name first and just wanted to take my picture because his friend was off doing something else and he wanted a picture of big ben at that time. I also wanted a picture that WASNT A SELFIE, so i agreed so long as he took one on my phone too. He ended up sending me the ones he took too, so now i have saturatedly edited photos of me from an actual good camera too (dont worry, i lied that i was walking to meet my non-existent boyfriend)

remembered to grab some pictures of Scrungly aswell, cant forget my best travel buddy

on the tube home this guy was yelling at this girl, so i sat by these guys who spent the entire ride subtly looking between me and them which made me feel way safer, all things considered, and the other girl near them immediately came to sit by me. The girl being yelled at then tried to escape by sitting with us, which didnt work, cuz the guy *followed her*

thankfully, the next stop was mine

after i got back to Russell Square, where i was staying, i went to the pub to have a safer environment because it was long day of shoulder checking. Sat writing in my journal for like 5 minutes before i remembered how much i hate writing about my day in journals so i just doodled before heading back to the hostel

[look-mom-percys-on-the-tv]

I'm loving the overall vibe here. I remember how left out Percy felt in the first chapter/plus, and I think the scene definitely uses that emotion to build tension with the repeated line, and that fits in real nicely with Grover's urgency because he is lowkey ignoring Percy for a minute and doesn't know how to act quite yet.

There's also a bit of context/canon divergence by just clarifying that yes, camp WAS the plan for TONIGHT- and oh yeah, Sally's been In On It with Chiron&Co for probably the last decade, and already knew about the Dodds bullshit already before she asked Percy about it.

BASICALLY that's the reason I love this clip, and below the cut are some nerdy tangents

This actually raises some more interests for me. One is Poseidon's involvement with Sally. We are hi red to see their relationship, and in the books there's a consensus that he's Cool TM, but better when he's Not There. I never really thought about it before, but when Poseidon was like "dam, gotta dip b4 the fam finds out about my prophecy boy", he was also like "Chiron probably wants this one." and arranged explained it all to Sally without revealing his identity to Chiron, who probably spent years wondering "WHICH OF THESE FUCKING GODS FINALLY EXPLAINED IT", in which case, how did Big P get Sally not to reveal his ID to Chiron?, OR mister quakes-at-earth was like "better make sure MY heir gets the prophecy, I know who can keep them alive!", in which case I'm really interested to see which it is. I know the books have Poseidon show affection for Percy and Sally, which may make the first seem more plausible, but in my experience w/ A(u)DHD, aka the Point TM of the books, alot of motivation behind love is misplaced, and rather relies on what someone DOES, their CAPABILITIES which is relevant to ALOT of people, but specifically causes an extra pressure with learning disabilities. "I love you", and "I knew you could do it" become synonymous, and kids who are held back by their brain, their environment, or both, FEEL IT. Anyways, in the case of Poseidon, this is why I think "better keep MY child alive" is very fitting with the "genuine but misguided (and we're all fucked)" approach Rick takes to the gods.

I have also started to totally rethink the scene when Sally gets off work in book one. I now see that by keeping secrets, she is inadvertently inviting her son not to feel he can tell her everything. She's a little bit mysterious, and seems all the more fragile for it, furthermore, Percy has been made to feel like the event is secret by Grover and Chiron both in their secrecy and gaslighting. all this amalgamates into a social isolation even from Percy's closest people, even though they were just trying to help him. I can't quite explain it, but this is familiar as FUCK to me personally. It's like he was being judged and didn't even know what for, or like es everyone was making decisions without him. Being kept out of the loop is a very similar emotion to feeling left behind by your peers, and Percy faces both at the same time.

‘Percy Jackson and the Olympians’ scene clip: Grover comes to warn Percy

[sollucets]

again, "graduation" [this is not the title] is not about thua or the world remembers. but they keep invading their way into my brainspace while im writing it

i'm cursed. i swear i'm cursed

i started musing about this in the tags and wrote. Too Many Damn Tags? like tumblr cut me off. i didn't even know tumblr could do that. so here they are out loud under the cut

#a kind commenter told me they'd want to see me do thua reconciliation scenes #and i didn't answer because i couldn't promise them i would #because i can't fuckin make up my mind about how id approach it #sigh. personally how i think it is #is that akk forgives thua basically straightaway because #1) he thinks he deserves it #2) they committed functionally the same crime so it would be hypocritical #and 3) he wants kan to be happy #so akk is like 'yes i was miserable and terrified and i have mental illness now' (like he didn't before) #but like. i always thought that would happen that's why i was so afraid to tell because i knew i'd deserve it \#2. 'the same crime' i mean literally that's what they did #(note: i rowan do not think this. akk was cult peer pressured into it and from that pov could've lost everything if he hadn't. thua... had other options) #i think the only part of the crime akk might actually be mad about is the journal stealing but that's because it really hurt aye #speaking of hurting aye: this is the only reason he's upset re: outing too #and so thua will get like. browbeat or guilted or whatever into apologizing to akk and akk will be like 'why someone had to do it' #and hell go 'i dont care but i want you to apologize to aye' #and that will not go nicely #because in the end aye cares about in this order 1. akk and 2. everything else #this is actually one of my favorite things about akkaye lmao. aye abandoning his morals #like. obviously he doesn't become Evil and he still wants akk to admit to it and all that i'm being a little dramatic #but..... if it comes down to it. in the moment. he'll pick akk every time because he loves him#and maybe he'll feel bad about it but he still Will #(this is also true of akk --> aye as far as rulebreaking and whatnot go) #so a thua -> aye apology... the thing is that i don't think thua feels guilty about anything short of the outing part and even then... #like. i think it's a bit. 'how do you like it' #aye outed thua to his mom for better or for worse. aye hid akk's secrets from thua. aye encouraged him to speak up and then Didn't

#so..... i don't know that thua would feel. 100% sorry #maybe that he hurt him. like on a personal level. they were friends #but without the context of 'aye being desperately in love and being the whole reason akk stopped and still trying to get akk to come clean'#man idk

and as a result to me i think that conversation would become a fight

in 'choices', i had aye sort of. forgive but not forget for the sake of group cohesion, which i do think he'd do because he is a lonely boy and these are his only friends here and also For Akk's Sake.

i also did that because choices is a gentle and fluffyish fic about akk getting used to pda and, as you can see, if i got into it i'd lose my damn mind [gestures up the page]

and in the end, truly, the people who deserve thua and akk's apologies are the world remembers. they deserved better than that "phi welcome back :)" because who Wouldn't say that!! theyd just been approached by all the prefects at once and their two bullies like.... are you gonna be anything less than perfectly polite

i'm even more torn about how to hypothetically handle "akkthua apologize to the jums" because i have even less insight on how They would respond to it agh

AGH

ahem. i have strong feelings on episode 11 of the eclipse. i continue to do so. dont even get me started on chadok ill be here all fucking day

[mypoisonedvine]

𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙮 𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 (𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘐) || sub!bucky barnes x dominatrix!reader

𝙨𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮 || every client is different, with different needs; but this client is, in every way, exceptional.

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩 || 5k

𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 || smut (cnc), dom/sub relationship, ‘mistress’ title, pain kink, cockwarming, orgasm denial/control, use of a cockring, slapping, objectification/degradation, some angst and hurt/comfort, crying after sex, touchstarved!bucky

new parts posted on thursdays!  join the taglist here

"And you can promise complete and total discretion?” the deep and husky voice on the other end of the line repeated, low enough that it was almost a whisper.

You laughed a little. “Of course,” you answered. Most clients were serious about privacy, but this guy was next level. He must be famous, you thought to yourself, or married. Or both.

But just as much as your clients wanted to keep you separate from their personal life, you would rather they know nothing about who you are. Of course it was always a risk, since nobody could hide their face and you had to work out of your apartment, but you did what you could to keep your job just that— a job.

You told your friends you were a consultant, because people didn’t question that. Sure, it was hard to keep up the lie sometimes when you got last-minute bookings and had to cancel plans, but it was worth it for the money these men were willing to pay.

And this new guy? He was shelling out all kinds of cash, on a long set of conditions. Including an NDA. You wouldn’t have given him up either way, but if the contract made him feel better (and made him pay more) then you were happy to sign it.

“So it’s all anonymous, then? No ID, no credit card…?” he pressed.

“I mean, if cash is easier for you—”

“It is.”

You were starting to worry that this was a major red flag, as if he didn’t want to be traceable back to you at all. It was almost a dealbreaker, until you glanced down at the legal pad you’d written his offer on and remembered that you couldn’t afford to turn him down. “Then cash is fine,” you decided, making a note to yourself to have 911 already dialed when he came by in case his aversion to ID was really about a desire to get away with something.

“When can we start?”

“Um, well the soonest I can do is tomorrow at seven” you explained.

"Great, I'll be there," he answered firmly, apparently about to hand up.

“Hey, hey, slow down!” you chuckled. “Can I at least get a name?”

“I didn’t think we needed to do names.”

“We don’t… but if you’re willing, I’d like to know something to call you.”

“James,” he answered after a tense pause. “James is fine.”

“Alright, James, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Upon opening the door, you instantly noticed three things about him: he was tall, he was big, and he was sexy.

You had sort of been hoping that his appearance wouldn’t match his voice, but it did, and it was going to make this so much harder.  Maybe easier in a few ways, but overall worse.  It was important that you didn’t get too emotionally invested with your clients.

His eyes were dragging over you like he was just as taken aback.  Which was odd, because he must have seen your picture online before he called you.  

“James,” you greeted. “Glad you made it.”

You stepped aside to let him enter, guiding him to take a seat in your living room.  Before clients came by, you hid any signs of life and kept the space as neutral as possible, which was why the only furniture was the white couch he sat on, the black chair across from it, and a glass table in between.

You sat in the black chair and crossed your legs, noticing with pride the way his eyes studied your every move.

“It’s important that we have a discussion about boundaries and limits before this goes any further," you explained sternly, and he nodded slightly.  "Tell me what you do and don't want."

“Uh, well, I guess I was just looking for… somebody who can administer, um, discipline… you know, someone who sets rules and enforces them.  But could also be kind of, uh, sweet I guess, to.  Not too sweet, just… not too mean either."

You smiled a little; he sounded right up your alley.  "I can do that."

"You should know I… I have a… disability.  My left arm it's, um, it's a prosthetic."

"How would you like me to accommodate that?"

"Just don't say anything about it, please.  Treat it like a normal arm.  And, uh, if you could ignore my scars, too…" he added awkwardly.

"Of course,” you nodded, “I would never want to make you feel insecure."

"Well, I mean, I'm not against degradation," he admitted sheepishly, making you smile a little.

"Right: that's different.  Anything else you're distinctly not against?"

“I can take a lot of pain,” he explained matter-of-factly.  “However much you think I can handle, double it.  I wanna feel it.”

You could almost hear the words he wasn’t saying: I wanna feel something.

“Okay, we can do that.  You’ve probably heard of the color system," you posited.

“I haven’t.”

"Oh."  That threw you off slightly… how new was he to this scene?  “Well, it’s traditionally green, yellow, red; like a stoplight.  Red means stop.  Yellow means proceed with caution.  Green means continue.”

“Sounds simple enough.”

“Too simple for me, in fact.  I have my own version: ‘red’ will make me stop what I’m doing, but only ‘black’ ends the scene entirely.  And then there’s ‘blue.’  That means you want more.”

He smirked a little; a strong show of emotion compared to his stoicism so far.  “I think I’ll use that one most.”

“Just don’t be afraid to use anything else, alright?  I’d never be disappointed in you for safewording, or even just needing a break.”

He nodded.  “Can we get to it then?”

“You’re rushing as always,” you laughed.  “I’m not charging you for this part.  We have plenty of time— don’t we?”

“Yes, but—” he sighed.  “You look really… I walked in and, I guess I’m just really looking forward to this.”

You almost would’ve smiled at the compliment but you thankfully suppressed it.  “And what is it that you’re looking forward to?  What do you want me to do to you?”

His jaw tightened as he looked away from you.  “Um, there’s a lot.”

“Enlighten me.”

“Ropes.  Strongest you have.  I can buy you stronger ones if you need them, for next time…”

He’s already thinking about next time?  He’s already thinking about buying me things?

“Alright, I can do ropes: wrists and ankles?  Or more than that?”

He seemed a bit confused by that question.  “Is there anywhere else?”

“Torso,” you enumerated, “neck—” you stopped because you saw his reaction to that, and it made you smile a bit.  “Okay, so maybe the neck is something to try.  Do you like being choked?”

“I… I don’t know…” he sighed.

“Have you ever been choked before?”

“Not… sexually...”

You felt your eyebrows rise, but didn’t want to press; a story for another time, perhaps.

“We’ll have to discuss silent safewords and signals so you can tap out, but if you’d be willing to try it—”

“Yes.”

You laughed.  “Eager, are we?”

He swallowed, and you wondered if you shouldn’t have let your ‘dom voice’ slip out in that moment… but he looked so good flustered like that.  He adjusted himself slightly in his chair and you hoped he was already hard.  And with that thought in mind, you couldn’t stop yourself from teasing him further.

“Do you like being called certain things?” you asked, voice lower as you leaned forward.  “How do you feel about ‘pet’?” 

He almost kept up his poker face, but his gaze faltered at the same time he moved in his chair again.  “Um, ‘pet’ is okay.”

“Baby boy?”

“Not really my speed,” he shrugged.

You slipped out of your chair and stood up, approaching him slowly as the click of your heels echoed across the tile.  He watched you with wide eyes and quickening breaths.

“What do you like?  Tell me,” you demanded, though you kept your tone light.

“Uh,” he paused, watching your hand as it rested on his leg, “I like… I like being called a good boy.”

You grinned as you pulled your hand away, watching him tense up with disappointment.  “I can do that,” you agreed, lifting his chin with a finger until he looked at you with those beautiful, desperate eyes, “if you actually are being a good boy for me.” “I will,” he promised quickly, “I’ll be so good.”

“Mmm, I bet you will,” you purred.  “So willing to please…”

“Tell me how,” he sighed as your hand trailed from his chin down to his chest, slipping under the loose collar of his henley and rubbing his chest.  “Tell me how to please you.”

“Well, for starters, I have a name, too: Mistress.”

He sighed like the wind had been knocked out of him, but nodded.

“And if I ask you a question, I expect you to answer ‘Yes, Mistress’ or ‘No, Mistress’.  Is that clear?”

“Uh-huh,” he agreed before suddenly correcting himself, “um, yes, Mistress.”

“I’ll let you have that one,” you frowned, “but further infractions will be punished.”

“Yes, Mistress; I’m sorry, Mistress,” he moaned, melting under your touch as your hand moved down to rub his thigh through his jeans.

“Now, just for fun,” you smiled, leaning down until your lips were nearly brushing his ear, “tell me what you want.”

“Please touch me, Mistress,” he sighed.

“But I am touching you.”

“Touch my… touch my cock," he clarified, adorably embarrassed. "It’s so hard for you…”

“We’ll get to that eventually.  Let’s go to the bedroom first, okay?”

However good he looked standing in your doorway half an hour ago, it was nothing compared to how he looked naked and hard and tied to your bed.

Yes, the prosthetic and the scars that attached it to his body were hard to ignore.  He had failed to warn you that it was metal, so you couldn’t hide the slight shift of your face when it caught the light; you hoped he didn’t think it was a look of judgment or disgust, because you truly didn’t think it was anything upsetting.  Maybe the scars were a little worrying… but they didn’t seem to bother him now, at least physically.

But truly, if anything was distracting about his body, it wasn’t the arm.  It was his muscles— no wait, it had to be his cock, right?  It’s tough to call: on one hand, his entire body was toned and hardened beyond the peak of human conditioning, his thick thighs making your mouth water already, his chiseled abs almost making you jealous; but on the other hand, between those lovely thighs and curving up against those perfect abs was a cock that rivalled anything you'd ever seen before, with a blue vein running up one side and a drip of precum rolling down the other.

You finally sauntered up to the bed and ran your fingers over the taught ropes, pretending to ignore him watching you impatiently.  It was almost hotter knowing that he could pull out of the ropes if he really wanted to.  More than most, he was choosing to submit to them and to you.

“How’s this knot feel?  Too tight?” you hummed, tugging the rope just beside his wrist and watching his hand move limply with it.

“No, it’s good.”

You stepped back to the foot of the bed and stripped slowly, peeling off your black dress to reveal a matching lace set underneath.  You left your heels on as you stepped out of the dress and kicked it aside.

Turning back to face him, James looked like he was all but drooling.  You could see in his eyes how much he wished the ropes weren’t holding him back so he could run his hands all over your body.

But you could tell he craved being denied what he wanted, by the way his cock flexed of its own volition.

You let yourself smile as you crawled your way up the bed and over his body, like a panther stalking its prey, and boy did he look ready to be devoured.

"Are you scared?" you asked quietly.  He shook his head.  "Are you ready?"

He nodded.  You sat up as you straddled him, positioned just right such that no part of you was really touching him, and watched with delight as he tugged against the ropes slightly to try to get closer.

"So needy," you grinned, somewhere between praising and scolding him.  Your fingers ghosted over his chest and he shivered; he asked you to treat his prosthetic like a normal arm, so you dragged your nails down the metal and watched his eyes flutter shut.  When you pulled your hand back and left him untouched again, he whined slightly.

“Aw, poor thing,” you pouted as you examined him, desperation emanating off of him in an invisible aura.  “Your cock is all red and leaking… it must hurt, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, Mistress,” he groaned.

“What if I touch it a little?” you offered.

“Please…”

You traced your fingers lightly up and down his length, tickling the skin and giving him the least pressure that you could.  He whimpered and you chuckled mockingly.  “I said I’d touch it a little, sweet boy, are you not satisfied?”

He bucked up into your touch as best he could, causing you to pull your hand away.  “Baby, please—” 

You cut him off with a slap to the face, as hard as you could muster.

“Mistress!” he corrected with a whine.  “Mistress, please… please wrap your hand around it.”

“Around what?” 

“Around… my cock.  Stroke me, please…”

“All you had to do was ask,” you grinned, finally tightening your hand around him and moving slowly up and down the shaft.  His head fell back with a soft moan, just from that.  Your teasing had certainly helped get him this worked up, but you knew it wasn't just that… he was plenty sensitive all on his own, apparently.

It made your mouth water.

"Does this feel good, James?" you asked huskily.

"S-so good," he whimpered, "please can you… stroke it a little faster, please, Mistress…"

"Hmm, not yet," you decided, feeling him tense up beneath you.  "Relax," you instructed with a free hand rubbing his thigh gently.  

You continued to teasingly stroke his length, never quite giving him the pressure or speed he needed to get closer to his release, savoring every whimper and whine and sigh from him along with the satisfying weight of his cock against your palm.

It felt like you'd never get tired of wielding so much power in your hand.

"Please," he sighed, "I need more…"

"You want me to stroke you faster?" you pressed, already knowing that wasn't what he meant.  He shook his head and you grinned, leaning in closer but letting go of his cock. 

Slowly, you let the lace covering your core rub up against his shaft, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head.  "Ohhhhh," he moaned, "oh fuck, Mistress…"

You grinned and kept rocking against him, easily feeling the warmth of him through your panties— meaning he, in turn, could feel the warmth of you.  "How does it feel, baby?" 

"Good," he choked out, "really, really good… fuck, I want more, I need more, please…"

"Are you my good boy, James?" you asked in a low purr.  He nodded eagerly, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed nothing.  "Do you want to be inside me?" you finally whispered against his ear, letting a finger run lazily up his spine and feeling him shiver so hard it was more like he was convulsing.

"Please, Mistress, I'll do anything…"

You didn't touch all of your clients sexually, due in part to the fact that they usually wanted a lot more pain than pleasure.  You'd only had sex with one or two of them, and it wasn't a routine thing.  Before today you never would've imagined doing this with a first-time client, but to be completely honest… he was fucking hot.  The kind of guy you'd be spreading your legs for instantly if you weren't at work and he wanted to buy you a drink or grab lunch.  And he was here, at your disposal, begging you for more.  How could you say no?  

You pulled your panties aside and gripped his cock tightly to guide it to your entrance, studying his face twisted in anticipation before sinking down and watching him gasp and sigh all at once, somehow.

It took a lot of effort to hide your own pleasure when he was stretching you out so perfectly, but you managed to suppress the desire to moan and just smile at his fucked-out expression instead.

Finally, your hips met with his and you got to sit there and enjoy the look of dawning agony as he realized you were staying completely still.

“Move, please,” he sobbed, “oh god, Mistress, please move…”

“But I thought you wanted to be inside me?  Isn’t this what you asked for?”

He whined and tried to wiggle his hips; all that got him was two hard slaps to the face.  

“No whining,” you instructed through your teeth.  “Good boys don’t whine.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whimpered, “‘m your good boy, I promise.”

“I know you are,” you grinned, “or at least, I know you can be.  Show me how good and patient you are.”

Reaching to the side a bit without getting off of him, you pulled a vibrator from your drawer.  His eyes went a little wide when he saw it, and you laughed.

"Don't worry, this isn't for you.  It's for me," you explained as you turned it on, inserting it between your body and his to touch the toy against your clit.  He winced as you sighed contentedly.  "Fuck, it feels good.  Can you feel it on your cock?"

"A… a little…" he hissed.

"I bet it feels good for you too," you posited, "but not good enough to make you come."

After a little pause, he nodded breathlessly.

"Good," you smiled.  "I just wanna come with your cock inside me.  I wanna know how it feels to get off with my favorite toy while being full of my newest toy."

"Fuck," he groaned.

"Do you like that, pretty boy?  Do you like me using your cock, being your Mistress' dumb little fucktoy?"

"Yes," he sobbed, hips shifting ever so slightly beneath you as he sought more stimulation from your flexing walls.  Shifting the vibe to hit right on your clit, you cried out— and he did too, at the feeling of you tightening around him.

"God, you love being Mistress' dildo, don't you?"

He nodded, biting hard on his lip until you worried he'd hurt himself.  He moaned again as another jolt of pleasure forced your channel to clench on his cock.

"You're making too much noise for a fucktoy, you need to be quiet."

He opened his mouth for a second, but closed it again and nodded instead.  

"You can do it yourself right?" you pressed, seeing him nod.  "You don't need me to gag that pretty mouth?" 

He whined but shook his head, keeping his lips pressed together.

That went on for a few more moments as you teased yourself with the vibe, hoping to draw this out for the sake of his struggle.  Wanting to up the ante, you took the vibe off your clit and turned it off for a moment.  "I think this would feel better with a little lube… will you get it wet for me, James?"

You brought the toy to his lips and he eagerly wrapped them around it, sucking lightly on the silicone with those pretty lashes resting on his cheeks.

"There you go, that's a good boy," you praised, pulling the toy from his mouth, "that's my good boy…"

"Yours…" he repeated weakly, "wanna be good for you, just for you…"

This time when you turned it on and pressed it to your clit again, you instantly gasped and felt your walls bare down on him; turning up the vibration, you actually moaned aloud and saw him wince.  "Oh, can you feel it now?" you asked tauntingly.  He bit his lip and nodded.

It really wasn't even intentional but you felt your hips start to rock, making him gasp as his eyes shot open.  For a guy who had been begging you to move not too long ago, he looked pretty overwhelmed by it now.

"Fuck, I'm gonna make myself come on your cock… do you wanna feel me come, baby?"

He seemed conflicted, which was exactly what you were going for.  You wanted him to struggle, just enough, between his need to satisfy himself and his desire to please you.  "I… I want to make you come, Mistress," he finally choked out, notably answering a slightly different question than the one you'd asked.  

You smiled and leaned in to whisper in his ear: "Are you afraid that if you feel me come around you, you won't be able to hold back?  That you might accidentally come inside me?"

He made a needy little groan and nodded.

"Don't worry, baby, I'm gonna help you," you promised sweetly, but of course as soon as he saw you grab a cockring from your drawer he changed his tune.

"N-no, Mistress, please," he begged with wide eyes, "I'll be good, just not that— don't put that on me."

You smirked and sat up, pulling off of him and slowly slipping the ring on his throbbing length as he quietly pleaded for mercy.  He winced when you pushed it down to the base of him, his cheeks burning hot red now.

"Is it a little too tight, baby?" you cooed, grinning when he nodded.  "Good."

You sank back down into him and let your hips grind on his, working your clit with the vibe and even kicking it up to the next highest setting.  He jolted beneath you, clearly feeling the vibrations strongly now, and you let the view of his beautifully broken facial expression egg on your own climax.

"Mm, I'm close, baby," you whispered, "just stay still and let Mistress use you like a good little boy."

He made a small noise through his teeth but seemed to manage okay, even when your walls began to pulse rhythmically around him and your head fell back, your free hand palming at your breast through the lace bra just to add that last little edge of sensation.

"Oh fuck, fuck," you moaned, "that's my good boy…"

You shakily pulled the vibe away and turned it off, still a little numb on your clit but feeling your channel still rippling slightly with aftershocks; he seemed to feel them in spite of their subtlety, if the panting breaths that filled his muscular chest rapidly were any indication.

As slow as you could manage, you pulled your body off of him and sat back on his legs to stare at his cock.  The remnants of your orgasm left plenty of lubrication to stroke it, focusing on the head which had turned almost purple now.

"M-Mistress," he groaned, writhing under your touch.

Amazingly, his cock was already flexing in your hand, and a growl of pride and hunger echoed in your chest.

“Oh fuck, can you come for me, James?” you moaned, pumping him so fast your hand was a blur.  “Can you be my good boy and come right through the cockring?”

“Yes,” he sobbed, “gonna come, Mistress, please—”

“Come right now,” you demanded, watching his face instantly fall slack as he spurted out onto his own chest and stomach, cock flexing and pulsing in your hands as his legs quivered and his hips thrusted wildly.

And the tears were flowing soon after.  You weren’t sure if it was sub drop or just the power of his release, but between weak sobs he whispered broken apologies.

“You did so good,” you cooed as you slipped off the ring and wrapped your arms around him, subtly trying to reach over to untie the ropes.  But you didn’t need to; he flexed his arms and the restraints popped like floss.  He embraced you in return as you let his head fall onto your chest.  “You’re so good, it’s okay,” you continued, stroking his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated again, breathing quickly and wetting you with his tears.

This, you realized, is what he had made you sign the contract to protect.  It wasn’t that he was excessively embarrassed about his sexual proclivities, but that this was his space to be soft, and weak, and broken.  Apparently he wasn’t ready for anyone else to know that he wasn’t steel all the way down.

“Shh, it’s okay… you’re okay…” you breathed, indulging him in this moment even though it was more intimate than you preferred to get with customers.  Aftercare was an important part of your job, certainly, but so was enforcing boundaries.

He began to soothe as you kissed his forehead gently, whispering well-deserved affirmations and praise.  As his breathing slowed and moved back to normal, he pulled back and looked up at you.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated one more time, but not as wavering as before, “I didn’t think I would… that was unexpected.”

“No, it’s somewhat normal,” you exaggerated slightly, “this kind of thing… it’s taxing, I pushed you to your limits.  You were really tough, and it’s all very vulnerable.”

“Thanks,” he sighed, sniffling and wiping his eyes.  “And sorry about your ropes,” he smiled as he noticed the frayed ends coming off of where his wrists were still tied.

“Let me help you get those off,” you smiled, loosening the knots and sliding the binds off of him, quickly massaging the places that the rope had constricted.  “Blood flow’s okay?”

“Yep,” he nodded.

“You numb anywhere?” you pressed.

“Uh, just my dick.  And my brain is all fuzzy…” 

You smiled.  “Can’t help the first one.  Let me get you some water for the second.”

“No!” he yelped suddenly.  “Um, don’t go yet, please…”

“Of course,” you smiled.  “I’ll untie your ankles, then.”

He still seemed disappointed, as if he expected you to hug him for hours and never move.  He let you go this time, though, and loosened his grip so you could slide down to the foot of the bed.  

"Was that sort of what you were hoping for when you called me?" you asked as you untied the ropes slowly and took a moment to massage the skin underneath, hoping to restore any lost blood flow.

"So much better than what I was hoping for," he admitted with a breathless chuckle.  "You're… really good."

"Well, thank you," you shrugged, "it comes with practice and experience.  You held your own, too."

"I wish I could say that was from practice and experience.  I didn't want to say anything before but I've, uh, never actually… been to a domme before."

You smiled slightly, coming back up and being pulled into another embrace.  "Um, I'll admit I can kind of tell…" you mumbled.

"I'm not supposed to touch you like this," he realized quietly, relaxing his grip on you and pulling back.  "I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright, just don't get too comfortable because we only have—" you glanced at the clock— "eight more minutes until you need to leave."

"I'll get up and get dressed soon," he offered with a sigh as you got up and quickly slipped on a robe, grabbing him a damp washcloth for the drying come on his torso.

You tilted your head as you watched him clean up, and you wanted to offer some touch that was a bit less intimate than a hug, so you found yourself blurting out: "do you like having your hair played with?"

"Um, I don't… I don't know," he admitted as he reached up to card his fingers through the hair in question.  "No one else has ever really touched my hair before."

"Really?" you laughed, getting back on the bed to sit beside him.  "It looks pretty luscious.  I figured any girlfriend of yours would want to get her hands on it."

"Oh, well, the last time I had a girlfriend… it wasn't long then," he explained, and you kept on your best poker face.  His hair looked like he'd been growing it out for at least two years, unless it grew crazy fast or something.  How long had he been single?  With a body like that you could barely believe that he was single now.

"Do you mind if I touch it?" you offered quietly, and once he gave you a nod you reached forward and combed your fingers through it, reaching deeper to scratch at his scalp, occasionally pulling the strands lightly into loose braid-like patterns that fell away almost immediately afterwards.  He sank into your touch until you found yourself supporting his head against your chest, mindlessly playing with his hair until you noticed his eyes were shut, his breathing was slowed, and his body was limp on top of yours.

He fell asleep.

You laughed silently to yourself, realizing that you couldn't get him off of you without his cooperation since he was so heavy and you had no shot at lifting him.  And, of course, his cooperation required his consciousness… which required waking him up.

And, for some reason, you couldn't bring yourself to do it.  He just looked too peaceful, for a guy who had never seemed truly relaxed around you.

Was there any other way he could relax?  Cause it kinda seemed like he really, really needed this.  And you were in the business of meeting needs, to say the least.

So, with an apologetic text to your last client of the night that you needed to reschedule, you let James sleep on you as you closed your eyes and drifted off as well.

[chuu-nct]

healer ; nine

➳pairing: ateez x reader

➳genre: gang au, amnesia au, angst, romance, fluff, suggestive, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, possible smut

➳rating: M

➳warnings: N/A

"Alright, remember. If you find yourself in any danger just press this and it'll send a vibration to my watch."

"Alright, alright. You've told me all this over 5 times already... I think I'll manage."

It was the day of your first mission since your accident and words couldn't describe how anxious you were. Last night, Seongwha had sat you down in his room, explaining everything you needed to know about the plan since Hongjoong had been too angered with you to do it himself.

"The Selven are composed of seven primary members; all brothers belonging to the Sevren family."

You scoffed in amusement, "is it a coincidence how much their family revolves around the number 7?"

Seongwha smiled at your comment as he continued, "they're not too old, just around the same ages as the rest of us since the eldest is 23 and the youngest is 18. They're known to be disgustingly flirtatious and are often swayed by females of other groups manipulating them."

"But if women are always tricking them then wouldn't they have caught on by now? How would I be any better if others already tried before me..."

"The youngest hasn't been approached by many women yet," he chuckled darkly, "he just turned 18 a year ago and according to our sources, tomorrow will be the first time he'll attend one of the Sevren's many clubs. All you have to do is approach him first and then get him to take you to the diamonds."

"And how will I just do that? I'm pretty sure any sane person wouldn't just guide someone to their stock of stolen diamonds," you questioned sarcastically, making an annoyed expression fall over Seonghwa's face.

"Well, that's your test (Y/n). Our clients want the diamonds back in a week and tomorrow is the only time we have a good chance of getting them but that's only if you can pull it off."

Nerves struck your body as you breath caught in your throat. You did wish to start participating in missions and being a part of the group again but you felt unconfident being given such a difficult task so early.

You stared nervously at your reflection in the clear door of the grand building; one of the Sevren family's most famous clubs. Yeosang had suggested you wore an eye-catching glittery dress which wasn't too promiscuous for your age. It was a full sleeve body-con dress fitting right above your knees with glitter around the entire dress (AN: I wanna let you guys think of the colour and actual look). Although you knew it was more a mission, you still couldn't help but feel insecure in the dress which sparkled with every step you took.

It was definitely eye-catching but you didn't know if you enjoyed the attention.

Suddenly, an arm was wrapped around your own as you were lead towards the entrance of the club.

"Wooyoung!" you whispered.

"I don't know why you keep looking at the dress as if we dressed you up like a prostitute, (Y/n)," he laughed obnoxiously, "you look fine. You look your age and Yeosang made sure to get something you'd be comfortable in. If you feel awkward in this then you won't believe what Hongjoong wanted to put you in."

"Wooyoung quit joking around and be serious for once!" a sharp voice called through your earpiece.

Startled, Wooyoung groaned as he showed our fake ID's to the bouncer. "I hear you loud and clear, boss," he spoke once entering the building.

You were left awestruck as you noticed the sheer size of the club; the ceilings themself were higher than anything you'd ever seen. The sounds of laughter engulfed the entire room as you could barely hear anything else around you over the music blasting through the speakers at the large, grand staircase in the centre of the room.

"Alright (Y/n), the youngest son should be on the second floor of the building. You should try avoiding the front staircase since there are guards there but there should be elevators in one of the halls on the sides," you heard Swonghwa speak.

Wooyoung looked towards you as if asking if you heard the given instructions to which you nodded in response. "Let's go then," he smiled, guiding you through the crowds of people.

"So what's the plan?" you questioned, loud enough for him to hear.

Guiding you through the crowd, Wooyoung made it to the side hall as Seongwha instructed. "Shit... there's security."

"What do we-"

"Just follow my lead and don't ruin this."

In an instant, Wooyoung grabbed your arm walking towards the security in haste. Before he could press any button to go up, however, a tall man grabbed a hold of his arm, "sir the rest of the floors are for authorized personnel only."

"Please!" Wooyoung cried, shocking you in the process, "my wife is pregnant and she really needs to use the bathroom but all of them are full at the moment. If she doesn't use the bathroom now I'm afraid something would harm the baby," he continued, putting a hand on your stomach as if a baby was actually growing inside you. 

"I'm really gonna kill him later..."

You sighed, pushing down any embarrassment as you followed in Wooyoung's act, "yes sir, please just let me through it will only take a couple of minutes!"

The man glared at you as you tried to hold a sincere expression until he let go of Wooyoung's arm.

"Thank you!" Wooyoung spoke as engulfed you in a hug, "remember the plan, find the son and find the diamonds," he whispered into your ears before he pushed you through the doors of the elevator.

You breathed deeply as you saw Wooyoung's face become smaller through the closing doors. Your heart was beating too loudly for you to hear anything else as you tried to regain your composure. Your mind was blank of all thoughts or ideas of finding the son. How many rooms would there be? Was he even on the second floor? How would you get him to take you to the diamonds?

With all the questions fogging your mind, you hadn't even noticed yourself getting out of the elevator and walking aimlessly through the halls until you felt a sudden smack against the side of your head.

"Oh my! I'm so sorry!" a voice spoke in haste. "Are you hurt? Can you hear me?"

You groaned as you rubbed your head, the voice making your sudden headache worse. "I'm fine... I think," you chuckled causing the person to let out an airy laugh as well.

"I'm Rei Sevren," the voice spoke.

"I'm-"

Before you could finish your introduction, your eyes widened as you realized who the person was. Looking up, your mouth was agape as you took notice of the very handsome boy smiling in front of you.

"You... you're-"

"Yes..." the boy smiled, "I'm the youngest son of the Sevren's... are you surprised to see me?"

You quickly stood up straight as you smoothed out your dress, "no... my name is (Y/n)..."

"That's a lovely name... but again, I'm so sorry for hitting your head with the door. I didn't know guests were allowed on the second floor."

"They aren't!" you quickly spoke, "I just really... needed to get away from all the chaos downstairs!"

If you said you needed to use the bathroom like Wooyoung said, you knew that he would've left you alone.

"I see... so you don't like all that partying either, huh?"

His words took you by surprise as you stuttered with your reply, "um, yeah I guess. I've never really been used to that kind of environment."

A sincere and kind expression danced along Rei's face as he held a hand out towards you, "then would you like to stay with me up here? I never really meet people my own age... so I don't have friends... but of course, you don't have to!" he splurted.

You chuckled at his actions, "I'd love to, Rei."

"(Y/n) I really hope you're saying all this for the plan... you seem to be slipping up there," Hongjoong's mocking voice said through the earpiece.

You looked to the side in annoyance until you looked up towards the back of the boy's head who was currently leading you somewhere on the floor. Although you didn't want to believe it, you were speaking to him out of genuine kindness, completely forgetting that you were on a mission to betray him in the first place. The boy in front of you, although you didn't know him, seemed too innocent to be set up like this.

Not paying attention to where you were walking, you stood shocked when a breeze of cold air hit your bare skin. Your eyes widened, however, as you noticed the sight in front of you.

"It's beautiful isn't it..."

The two of you stood at a massive balcony overlooking the bottom entrance of the club as you saw the lights and people shining like stars.

"It's breathtaking..." you breathed in awe.

"This is where I often come to be by myself when things feel overwhelming here..."

Hongjoong growled as he took notice of how naive you were being. "Jongho, get down there. She's clearly incompetent for this."

"Hongjoong, give her a chance... who knows, maybe this is all a part of her plan," Seonghwa coaxed the leader.

You looked out at the scene in front of you' bright lights, bodies dancing and laughing all over. But you snapped out of the trance as you recognized the black van parked in the far distance.

"I let him down Akio... I failed everyone, didn't I?"

In an instant, your eyes watered as a pounding headache caused you to grasp your head in pain.

"(Y/n)! Are you okay?" A worried Rei called out.

His voice was hazy as your eyes became blurred. All you could see in your mind was a young boy with choppy black hair smiling down at you. And the fact that you couldn't recognize him caused chills down your spine.

Who the hell is Akio?

•:•.•:•:•:•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•.•:•.•:•:•:

➳ eight | ten

➳ masterlist

.•:•.•:•:•:•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•.•:•.•:•:•:

[tag list] : @hyunsuksmygod @pandabur666 @harry-the-pottypus @joonsmoonchild @soonwoosz @fairygirl18

[chifuyuzu]

leap of faith — sano manjiro x reader.

word count — 1.3k.

genre — fluff fluff fluff, i love sweet mikey.

contains — cursing, timeskip SPOILERS present, reader is gender neutral.

description — sano manjiro is in love with you, and he realizes how much he loves you at the ass crack of fuckin' dawn.

author's note — hey besties, this is my first published fic here, kinda short but mikey brain rot is heavy. i hope you enjoy this cute fic before i rip your hearts out with some angst in a few days :^) reblogs and likes are always appreciated! and please give me feedback in my inbox! hehe, enjoy.

“it’s late.”

you know. but you still wanted to hear the sound of his voice before bed.

“mm… i missed ya’, is that a crime?” your voice echos through the receiver, the sound of your duvet crinkling in the background as you shift in place. sano manjiro was a busy man. always has been, always will be. being the leader of a biker gang was never easy—let alone some “new age” criminal organization.

you didn’t understand why manjiro persisted to play this game of russian roulette with his life. but it was never your place to overstep, especially since this was his life. it was all he knew, all he understood. you’re not sure what he’s doing, or if he’s even allowed to talk on the phone at this hour, but you still wanted to hear him. just so you know he’s alive and well.

you hear him chuckle, the sound of his feet scurrying against whatever floor his sandals were clacking against. the background noise that accompanied him earlier has dissipated; you realized he probably went outside to hear you better.

“your crime is loving a fool like me way too much. don’t think you’re sane.” he’s right. you’re actually crazy for even pursuing him. there was a lot of push and shove in the beginning, both parties scared of being hurt and getting hurt. but you were always there, even when manjiro went through whatever darkness was eating at his soul.

“crazy for you.”

“corny.”

“you love me.”

a pause. eerie enough to send shivers down your spine. why wasn’t he responding? did something happen? did you smother him too much? is he regretting—

“marry me.”

… not what you were expecting. especially not over the phone.

“sano manjiro, did you just propose over the phone? what kind of shitty rom-com are we in?”

“is that a no?”

“... never said that.” you wanted to marry him. but you wanted him to put that lifestyle behind, for the sake of the family you might have in the future. kids, dogs, cats, etcetera. you wanted him to be in, one hundred percent. but you knew he was too deep into this world to run now—especially since he’s so well-known as the ‘invincible mikey.’ you still longed for a happy home with manjiro, and a normal life.

“maybe you’re right. it’s not my style to ask you this over the phone.”

“try again later. when you’re really ready.”

the gag is, he is ready.

manjiro hurries home, blond locks hidden underneath a thin, black hoodie. he’s shaking, like a pomeranian in the presence of fireworks. his hand meets the left side of his chest, back pressed up against the grey colored wall of your shared apartment as he slides down to sit on the floor. it was four in the morning, and manjiro was about to shit himself.

he gulps, eyes peering around for you, double checking that you were fast asleep before he makes a phone call. his fingers tapped the back of his iphone, impatiently waiting for the other caller to answer. though it was the crack of dawn, he still needed some moral support.

“mikey? fuck you callin’ for at this hour? haven’t heard from you in mo—”

“ken-chin. i’m proposing.”

a loud ‘flop’ rang through the receiver, accompanied by the bedsheets seemingly slipping underneath draken’s feet. it was a huge bomb to drop, especially when the duo has been separated for months on end. manjiro hears more shuffling, followed by a few curses. “you’re fucking lying. the one you’ve been one since—?”

“yeah. i’m crazy as hell. but i love them. head over heels. i’m a goddamn simp.”

“why the hell am i the first to know, man?”

“you’re m’best friend, even if i need to stay away from you. and, also… you’re not the first to know. i asked them already.”

“you WHAT? don’t fuckin’ tell me you did it some dumb way like over the pho— you did. you’re impulsive enough to do it like that, too.” regardless of how long it’s been, draken still knows and understands manjiro like nothing ever happened.

“yeah… not romantic. but i can’t see myself with anyone else. i trust no one else. but i… am…”

“scared? man, you’re the head of a criminal organization. ‘course you’re scared. you don’t want the love of your life… to get hurt…” his voice trails off and manjiro’s heart tenses even more. the memories of the past still felt fresh. all the people they lost in tokyo manji… could never be replaced. not in a million years.

but the living must live.

“i love y/n. never felt like this before. i’d quit everything. but i would have to make sure they’re safe and whatever future we have together is secure. i know i promised takemichi that i’d protect everyone and that future he worked so hard to save… but what about mine?”

manjiro really did sacrifice everything for his friends. being the type of person who carries everyone else’s burdens takes a toll on his mental. he felt selfish for wanting to leave it all behind. but maybe being selfish was beneficial once in a while.

“listen—”

“do you think i’m stupid?”

“mikey. you’re not stupid,” draken sighs, shuffling again in place. “you just want to love someone and be loved in return. nothin’ stupid about that. what is stupid though, is you proposing over the damn phone.”

he’s not wrong. it was a spur of the moment decision that could drastically change his life forever. but with you, he doesn’t care. as long as you’re his, forever.

“how do you think i should do it?”

“well. i guess, tell me some sappy shit. how do you feel about them, and whatnot.”

“i don’t think i could ever imagine me with anyone else. a lot of people have tried to grab my attention but i only have eyes for y/n. sometimes when shit gets real hard…” manjiro takes a deep sigh, fingers threading through his hair, tilting back the hood to let it fall onto his back. “i think of y/n and i remember that even in this shit world, someone is here for me. someone cares about me. they make me feel like i’m not alone anymore.

i have dreams ‘bout us, y’know? me and y/n… kids running around. a little mikey clone. pissin’ them off because we want little flags on our meals. going to the park and letting kids be kids. maybe i’ll teach ‘em at a dojo like gramps did for me and my siblings. maybe i’ll teach ‘em about bikes—with your help, of course.”

draken laughs, letting his friend continue his little speech as he gets comfortable in bed again. don’t think i’ve ever seen mikey like this, ever, draken muses.

“man, we can own a whole zoo if we wanted. chifuyu could hook us up, in secret, of course. still have to protect everyone,” manjiro is grinning from ear to ear, head resting against the wall. “i wanna grow old with them. honestly, i didn’t think i’d make it to my twenties. more so, i didn’t want to live past twenty-something. but now… things are different. wanna be old and gray. see grandkids terrorize our children. die together.”

the tension in manjiro’s chest has faded away, only left with warmth that only you could bring him. his free hand reaches into his pocket to fumble with a small box, snapping it open to reveal the engagement ring his grandfather handed down to him.

he wasn’t the marrying type. but for you, he was.

“that all? you sound good like that, man. make an exception and let us come to the wedding.”

manjiro wants that more than anything. his friends, you... all safe. all happy. but again, the fear creeps up. he doesn’t know what to do with himself if any of you get hurt.

“... how do i tell y/n that?”

“you already have.” your voice makes him jump, knocking the velvet box out of his fingers and onto the hardwood floor. his face pales, followed by a huge lump forming at his throat when he sees your figure emerge from your shared bedroom.

“i-uh… i thought you were a-asleep.” manjiro mumbles, earning a huge laugh from draken on the other side. he hears him say something along the lines of ‘my cue to leave. good luck. send me an invite.��

“i was waiting for you.” 

he’s sweating now, a small bead forming at the base of his neck. his phone is now at his side, the screen flashing from draken’s caller id to the lockscreen photo of you on your first date together, a few years back. your eyes zone into the box, though.

“i was going to do this… better. god, i fucked up, huh?”

you’re laughing now, rubbing your tired eyes before you join him near the wall, picking up the box. “what makes you think that, dummy?”

now he’s confused. you wanted him to ask when he was serious, but in his head, serious meant rose petals, candles, someone singing celine dion in the distance.

without a word, you slip the ring onto its appropriate finger, holding up to the small rays of sunlight that peaked through the window from the approaching sunrise. manjiro’s hands fly up to your face, holding his whole world in his hands. his eyes are shiny, on the brink of tears. you nudge your noses together, foreheads connecting tenderly. your hands hooked onto the hem of his hoodie, bringing his frame closer as you whisper a soft ‘yes.’

“yes?”

“yes, i’ll marry you.”

manjiro’s lips curl up into the silliest grin you’ve ever seen him sport, before he presses a soft kiss to your lips. now he’s kissing you quite desperately. as if he’s trying to make sure you’re real, that this isn’t a dream. you feel his words vibrate against your lips, “gonna make you so happy, i promise. i love you. i love you so, so much.”

“forevermore.”

“forever yours.”

[snelbz]

Life As We Know It {Chapter 9}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set posting schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays and Thursdays. Chapters will be posted on both my and Shelby’s blogs! >> @snelbz​

Life As We Know It Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

A/N: SURPRISE. Enjoy this chapter a day early. I had my days wrong and legit thought it was Thursday, but since it was ready…. Y’all get to enjoy the spoils of my frazzled brain. 😘

Nesta waited with Nyx in the waiting room of the pediatric office.

His rash didn’t seem to be bothering him much, but she wanted to get ahead of it before it became a problem. He was absolutely enamored with the TV playing a bright children’s show in the corner, and Nesta couldn’t help but smile down at him as she checked her email.

The usual stuff greeted her, some open catering order invoices for the restaurant, a few wayward resumes from high school kids that had managed to get her personal email, and, of course, spam.

“Nyx?”

Nesta’s head shot up, and Nyx began looking around, wondering who had called his name. Nesta was instantly on her feet, pushing Nyx’s stroller toward the door that the nurse held open.

She smiled. “Hello, Nyx.”

Nyx babbled in greeting.

The nurse chuckled. “Such a cute little guy. You’re Nesta, I assume?”

“I am,” Nesta confirmed. “I’ve not been here before. It’s a nice office.”

The small talk went on. Nesta had never been a fan of small talk, of polite pleasantries.

It just made her feel awkward.

Nyx didn’t seem to mind. He just kept babbling and babbling and babbling, without a care in the world.

The nurse led them into a room and she checked Nyx’s height and weight before telling them that the doctor would be there shortly.

Nesta had picked Nyx up, looking around at all the educational posters on the walls, when a quick knock sounded on the door and a man cracked open the door.

Nesta blinked once as he stepped inside, not expecting the tall, muscled man that appeared in front of her.

“You must be Nesta,” he said, extending his hand. “I’m Dr. Kamaras.”

This man was Nyx’s pediatrician? She had known that Nyx’s doctor was male, Feyre had mentioned him in some stories a few times, but Nesta had always pictured an elderly man.

Not this sculpted, handsome man, who could easily graced the cover of one of the ridiculous smutty books she kept well hidden in her bedroom.

She shook his hand, finally remembering how to speak. “Yes, I am, it’s nice to meet you.”

Very nice to meet you, she added in her head.

His face sombered. “I was very sorry to hear about Rhys and Feyre. They were great people.”

And just like that, Nesta was back on earth, holding her sister’s son in her arms, standing where her sister should have been. She tried to keep her smiling from dimming, but she cleared her throat. “Thank you. It’s…been an adjustment.”

As if they both remembered why they were here, Dr. Karamas blinked and said, “Yes, Nyx, right. You told the nurse he has a rash of some sort?”

“It’s just a diaper rash but it seems to be getting infected,” Nesta explained. “I’ve tried a few different things but nothing seems to be working.”

“Ah,” he said, nodding. “Well, let’s take a look.”

Dr. Karamas took one glance and whistled. “Definitely infected. I’m going to give you a steroid cream. Put it on after every diaper change. It should clear up within the week.”

Nesta let loose a breath. “Oh, great, thank you.”

“Absolutely,” he smiled.

He had a nice smile.

He scribbled something down on his clipboard, signed it, and handed it to Nesta. “The number on the bottom is my office number. If you have any other concerns, no matter how small, give it a call.”

Nesta looked at Nyx’s prescription and the number that was beneath it, along with his name.

Balthazar Karamas.

“Thank you, Dr. Karamas,” Nesta said, and she meant it. She was still new at this, and every little medical thing concerned her.

If it wasn’t normal, she was freaking the fuck out.

“Bal, please,” he said, taking her hand again, shaking it. At the look on her face, he added, “I work with kids. They do better on a familiar name basis than with titles like doctor and mister.”

She nodded, smiling. “Bal, then.”

Nesta was getting Nyx resituated in his stroller in the waiting room, about to head back out into the bright sunlight, when she felt someone approach. She wasn’t expecting to find Balthazar standing a few feet away. She quickly checked the stroller, making sure she had her purse, the diaper bag, and, of course, Nyx himself. “Did I forget something?” She asked, finding everything exactly where it was supposed to be.

“No, no, it’s not that,” he said, pausing in front of her. “I just…can’t shake the feeling that I know you from somewhere.”

It was strange, since Nesta felt the same way.

“You’re not Illyrian,” he said, and it wasn’t a question, nor was it rude. Just an assumption. She only knew of a few other Illyrians in the area, and Balthazar definitely had the same coloring as Cassian and Az. And Rhys used to have. She, pale skinned and blue eyed, certainly did not.

“I’m not,” she said, at last.

Bal chuckled.

That smile, yet again, had her toes curling.

“Interesting,” he said, that smile remaining. “Well, maybe we can figure out just where we’ve run into each other before...over lunch this weekend?”

Nesta blinked. A date?

“Not a date,” he said, quickly, reading her mind. “I would never ask the aunt of my patient on a date. That would be incredibly unprofessional.” Nesta laughed. “Just…two acquaintances figuring out where they were previously acquainted.”

“Lunch sounds nice,” Nesta said, unable to shake her own smile. “Saturday, then?”

“Saturday,” Bal agreed.

They set up a time and place and then Nesta was out the door.

*

Cassian’s day had been as long as it was the day before. It seemed that the teenagers visiting Velaris had gotten the message from their friends that Cassian’s bar was checking every single ID of every single drink that was ordered. So instead of being slammed and busy and frustrated the whole day, he had been bored out of his mind.

He’d gone through his inventory sheets twice, ordering anything they might remotely run out of in the next few weeks.

It didn’t help that Kallias had the day off, covering the evening shift tonight, leaving him alone with his thoughts all day.

And those thoughts constantly reminded him that he’d been an absolute dick to Nesta the night before.

As he drove home, he contemplated the apology he needed to make.

Although Cassian believed his intentions were typically good, apologizing wasn’t one of his strengths. He ran through what he’d say a hundred times, had come up with an unbearable amount of ways in which he could apologize, but everything he thought of wasn’t good enough.

He knew Nesta well enough to know when she would laugh in his face.

He’d come up with about fifteen different scenarios of how this could go by the time he pulled into the driveway, parking next to her little car. He took a deep breath before unlocking the front door and letting himself in.

The house was quiet, neither Nesta or Nyx were anywhere to be found. It was barely six-thirty, but he knew Nesta was taking Nyx to the doctor earlier in the day, which may have tired him out so thoroughly that he was already down for the night. A peek into his cracked bedroom door confirmed it, his little hand curled next his face as he slept.

When he finally tracked down Nesta, on the back patio, her feet propped up in a lounge chair, he definitely hadn’t expected to find her with a bottle of wine. Or what was left of it, at least.

The mostly empty bottle of wine sat next to the baby monitor.

He cleared his throat, announcing his presence.

Nesta’s sigh was the only acknowledgement she showed.

“Everything alright?” He asked.

She shrugged and took a sip from her glass.

“Bad day?” He continued.

She shrugged again.

“Is this the silent treatment?” He asked.

“I assume you’d know,” she said.

Cassian began rubbing his temples. “Look, Nesta-.”

“I’m a little busy if you don’t mind,” she continued. “I prefer to relax alone.”

“This is my house, too,” he said, shutting the sliding door behind him as he made his way onto the patio. “What if I want to sit out here with you?”

“Then I’d suggest continuing the silence,” she said, not looking at him, her face tilting back up to the sky, where it had been when he’d come outside.

So he sat down on a nearby lounge chair, and didn’t say a word.

Or he tried, but he didn’t last five minutes. The words that had building inside him all day needed to come out. He’d rehearsed different things he wanted to say, with reasons for why he was such an asshole, and promises to try and be better from now on. But as he looked over at her, the starlight on her face, all he could get out was, “I’m sorry.”

For a moment, Nesta said nothing. “About?”

“The way I acted last night,” he replied, keeping his eyes on the lawn. “It was uncalled for, and I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said, draining her glass.

Cassian’s eyes shot her direction. “I’m trying to apologize. You can at least accept my apology so we can move on.”

“Apologies mean nothing,” Nesta said, shrugging. “Words are meaningless.”

“Not mine,” Cassian argued. “I mean what I say.”

“Then you meant what you said last night?” Nesta pushed.

Cassian’s lips snapped shut and his jaw hardened. “No.”

“So, you’re a liar, then?” Nesta asked.

He groaned in frustration. “You’re infuriating.”

She didn’t deign to reply to that.

He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I was an asshole last night. I was…embarrassed about how you found me the night before. I don’t… I don’t like to be seen like that.” He paused, but then he held a hand out in between them. “Not- not that that happens often. I mean, I don’t make a habit of having emotional breakdowns.”

She didn’t say anything. Just stared at him.

He cleared his throat again, remembering little things he had felt badly about through the day. “Nesta, I’m sorry I acted like an ass. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate the dinner you made me. I was rude as hell and you did nothing to deserve it.”

After a second, she glanced away, out over the pool. He figured she wasn’t going to reply, and he stood, heading back for the back door.

He had slid the door open and was halfway inside when she said, “If you’re hungry, I made lasagna for dinner. It should still be warm on the stove.”

He turned back and found a hint of a smile on her face. “Thanks, Nes.”

*

A continuation of his apology, Cassian had told Nesta he'd be on baby duty for the rest of the night, waking Nyx up for his bottle, granting her leave to do whatever she wanted. She elected to finish off the bottle of wine, open another, and relax in the bathtub with a book.

The book of choice was definitely not appropriate to read in front of Nyx.

Or Cassian, for that matter.

She had appreciated his apology, even though a part of her still wanted to be pissed. There were very few things that agitated her more than male bravado, and Cassian was the spitting image of it. Embarrassed because he was emotional? Please. Get the fuck over it.

Then again, she could say that all day, but in honesty, if the positions were reversed, she would have reacted very, very similarly.

If not worse.

Nesta had always felt too much, far more than either of her sisters. It wasn’t like they were robots, of course. Elain had a bigger heart than anyone Nesta had ever known, and Feyre had been a light to be around.

But, Nesta…

She felt it all, and she felt it far too deeply. She had learned long ago to shut those emotions off, to let them go, to not let her emotions show. They could just be used as a weakness.

And she found life worked better that way.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door.

Nesta sat up straight, even though the door was locked, in a sudden panic over the fact that she was nude and reading smut.

“Yeah?”

“Nyx is going to bed,” he said. “Just thought you’d want to say goodnight.”

“I- Ah- Just a minute,” she called, setting the book down and reaching down to grab for her towel. She was out and damn near opened the door in just her towel again, but remembered their agreed upon rules. She snatched her robe, wrapping it around herself, towel and all.

She opened the door, Cassian standing just by her bed, and Nyx had his head resting on his shoulder, rubbing his little eyes.

The image was so pure and innocent that Nesta couldn’t stop herself from taking a few steps towards them, reaching out to brush her fingers down Nyx’s soft cheek. “Sweet dreams, buddy,” she breathed, leaning up to press a kiss to his forehead.

She regretted it almost immediately, as bringing herself that close in Nyx also inadvertently brought her to Cassian. His heady, nutmeg-and-campfire scent enveloping her, reminding her of the morning she’d come downstairs and found him as naked as she was now. She stepped back quickly, clearing her throat. “And goodnight to you, Cassian,” she murmured. She pointed back behind her towards the bathtub, towards her book, and said, “I’m going to read a little longer and then go to bed myself.”

He nodded. “Alright, I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight, Nes.”

The nickname didn’t bother her as much as it previously had, she realized as he made his way back out of her room, shutting the door behind him.

She didn’t let herself think about that, did her best not to think about him, as she sunk back into the warm water.

*

Nyx had gone down easily for Cassian, for the first time ever, thanks to the frozen toy he’d gnawed on to relieve the pain of his incoming tooth. He’d decided he deserved a treat, too, after that, and had sat down to watch the hockey game, a beer in hand.

Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock at the front door.

Cassian paused, glancing down at his watch, seeing that it was pushing nine o’clock. He stood, after a second knock sounded, making his way to the door. He opened it to find a woman dressed in a suit on the other side. “Can I help you?”

“Mr. Nazari, I assume?” She asked, extending her hand.

He took it, on instinct, shaking it, but he blinked. He repeated, “Yeah… Can I help you?”

Her brows twitched together. “My name is Alis Birch. I’m with social services.”

Cassian continued to shake her hand, staring.

“The courts told you we’d be making random visits to check in on Nyx,” she continued.

Oh, fuck, Cassian thought. Oh, fucking hell.

They’d completely forgotten about those random visits, in the past few weeks they’d been doing this, distracted by getting used to not only being parents, but getting used to each other as well.

“I see,” Cassian said, nodding. “I… I’ll…be right back.”

“I’d like to come in-.”

Cassian shut the door, quickly set his beer on the table in the entryway, and hauled ass upstairs.

He threw open the door to Nesta’s bedroom, only to found it empty, so he continued on, throwing open the bathroom door.

Where Nesta was still in the tub, completely nude, a book in hand, one hand disappeared beneath the water. Her head was thrown back in utter ecstasy.

Until Cassian barged in, anyway.

“Shit!” he yelled, just as Nesta gasped and sent the water sloshing out of the tub, over the porcelain edges.

Cassian quickly shut the door behind him, closing them into the bathroom together, and put his face in his hands. “Sorry!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she yelled, and he could hear her pulling the plug.

“It’s important, I swear,” he said, his voice muffled by his hands.

“If the house isn’t on fire or Nyx isn’t dying, it’s not important,” she cried, ducking behind the walls of the tub.

“It’s pretty fucking important,” he said, turning to give her a semblance of privacy. He heard her stand up, water moving and quiet dripping, before her feet landed on the rug outside the tub. “The social worker is here.”

She froze and he dared a look back at her. Thankfully, she was wrapped in her towel again, one arm pushed through her robe. “The social worker is here? Now?” He nodded, and she looked at the nearly empty bottle of wine next to the glass on the small table by the tub. It was the second one she’d had that night. “But it’s late,” she protested.

“It’s a random, surprise visit,” he replied. “I left her outside, but-.”

“You didn’t let her in?” Nesta demanded, eyes widening. “Cauldron, Cass, that makes us look so guilty.”

He blinked. “Of what?”

“I don’t know,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “But it doesn’t make us look good.”

“Well, I didn’t know what to do,” he sighed, exasperatedly. “I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to come up here and find you doing that.” He gestured to the tub.

Nesta’s cheeks heated. He figured his own were going to permanently be the shade of red they were now.

No, that was the last thing he ever expected to catch Nesta doing.

“Just… Go let her in and stall her while I get dressed,” she sighed, crossing her arms, waiting for him to leave.

Cassian hesitated, then nodded, and hurried back down the stairs. When he reopened the front door, Alis Birch stood there. Her expression was hard, intimidating.

Cassian could feel himself sweat.

He prayed that Nesta somehow sobered up and got the fuck downstairs, because there was no way in hell he could do this without her.

[kashimos-hajime]

no regrets (8/8) | r.b.

summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.

WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :) pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 6.7k

a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh 

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.

I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.

What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.

You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.

Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care. 

I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.

Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.

im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I

Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.

I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.

Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.

I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up. 

Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time. 

I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that. 

wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.

Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.

Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.

My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.

I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but 

With love,

Rienr

You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.

You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.

They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.

“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.

“You made it out alive,” Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms. 

“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”

“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”

“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”

Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.

When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.

You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.

Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone. 

“For your services to the Survey Corps.”

There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.

“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile. 

The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.

.

Distantly, he remembers flashes. 

Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.

How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.

He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.

How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.

When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.

“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”

Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted. 

Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.

Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.

The ring. You’re wearing it. You…

For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.

“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.

“So are you.” 

And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing. 

Maybe they are.

He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.

Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.

You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”

Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”

Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”

Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows. 

“Okay.”

When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it? 

It has to be. 

You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.

But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality. 

The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him. 

He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing. 

Why him?

As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.

“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”

“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”

And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.

Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.

Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.

Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.

And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.

“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”

The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.

“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”

And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.

.

Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.

There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up. 

Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.

Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks. 

For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.

Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.

.

Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field. 

It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.

Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.

He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.

“Eren… where are we?”

“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”

A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.

“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”

His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.

And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”

Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.

 Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.

“Marco! Sasha!”

Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.

He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—

“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.

Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop. 

Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—

You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.

Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.

He’s gone.

A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.

“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.

Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.” 

His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.

Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you. 

“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”

Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything. 

You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.

He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.

It’s over.

The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.

Just like he promised.

You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.

[THREE YEARS LATER]

Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing. 

Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner. 

How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.

And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.

Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.

But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.

Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach. 

Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.

Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.

Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.

“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years. 

“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.

A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”

“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.

“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.

“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”

“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.

Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.

Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.

“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise. 

“To protect the both of us,” you explain.

“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”

You nod. “Listen to Levi.” 

“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”

This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.

As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.

And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.

“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.

So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.

Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.

Hope for the future, and all that.

She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.

“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”

“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”

“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”

You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.

Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.

“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.” 

Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off. 

You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.

If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.

You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.

Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.

“You guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you. 

“I think it’s charming.”

She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head. 

“Soon may the Wellerman come…”

A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.

Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.

Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.

She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.

You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.