#or i have incredibly realistic nightmares about something horrible happening to someone i care about

[iamthekarmapolice]

last night i had a dream that the ‘l’ and ‘k’ keys and the ‘m and ‘n’ keys were swapped on my phone and laptop and i was having trouble typing in my name (which starts with a ‘k’) everyone around me was gaslighting me into believing that’s always how it is. first thing i did when i woke up was check my phone keyboard. all as it was thank fuck

[depresseddepot]

happy 3 am!! nightmare time!!!

[meimi-haneoka]

Akiho Shinomoto - a manifesto of love

Despite becoming one of my favorite characters in the whole Cardcaptor Sakura franchise (and I would’ve never expected to love a new character this much), I realized I’ve never spent a long post for her, like the ones I did for SyaoSaku or for Tomoyo and Syaoran long time ago.

And there’s a lot to say, because Akiho Shinomoto is actually the first character who has introduced the concepts of evil and child abuse in Cardcaptor Sakura.

Something that wasn’t even remotely conceivable until (almost) 5 years ago.

Often considered boring and weak from the CCS fandom, Akiho actually harbors an immense strength inside of her, which goes mostly unnoticed to everyone, in-story friends included. Let’s see why.

Sentenced to death, for lack of magical powers

Once upon a time, a baby girl was born in a clan of powerful magicians, the most ancient of Europe. Clan members seemed happy and curious about the new entry to the family. They had great expectations about what magic she would develop, as everyone else in that family. At the ripe old age of 1 year and a half / 2 years, the baby girl was expected to show some signs of magic, but she had none. But hey, maybe she would become powerful later, let's pat her head and wait patiently. At that time, the Clan still showed some kind of "attention" for her.

But by the time the girl was around 6/7 years old, no fragment of magic appeared in her. Unacceptable. She's the daughter of two top rank magicians, in a clan of magic prodigies. Yet, she showed none of those gifts. They kept comparing her with some boy, living in a far away country, part of another famous magical clan. The girl suddenly held no more interest for her Clan. They actually started seeing her as a stain on their Clan's pride. Suddenly, the focus was all on how they could surpass the other rival clan. The girl was left all alone. A magicless member of the family is a member who doesn't even deserve being talked to. An interrogatory, at most. Who cares if the little girl wants to socialize, if she wants to play, if she's the only young person in that Clan, already without her parents who died so early on? The only thing this girl was good at was reading books, so all that's she's allowed to do. Not even playing with stuffed animals. For some reason, she's allowed to keep only ONE plushie, which is basically everything to her. But books and dolls can't fill that sinkhole she's already feeling at such young age.

Obsessed with this "anomaly", when she was about 2 years old, the Clan had the baby girl examined by a member of a Magic Association in England, known to be the den of shady magicians. A 8/9 year old bored magic genius, named “Yuna D.”, was her examiner. The boy said "She's like a blank book". The girl grew up, and the situation was still the same. The disapproving stares of her relatives cut the little girl’s heart like a sharp knife. They called her “worthless”, “useless”. They even doubted she could really be the daughter of her powerful parents. So what should they have done? Let the little girl live her life like any other regular human being, or taking literally the words of a BORED, EMOTIONALLY UNDEVELOPED CHILD who literally spat out the first thing that came to his mind?

Although the choice should’ve come easily for any normal human being with a functioning brain, they actually went in the other direction, greedy for power. And so, they decided to treat the girl like a tool, using her to store all kinds of magic for them to use. If she couldn’t be of any help to her clan with her capabilities, they would give her a purpose.

On some kind of altar, halfway between a lab rat and the sacrificing ritual of a sect, the most ancient Magicians of Europe together with the Magic Association performed a dangerous magic on her, which afterwards would take its toll even on the casters: they turned her into a magical artifact, capable of engraving in herself all the magical books she would encounter, transforming her de facto into a book herself. As if this wasn’t horrifying enough, this spell will progressively try to crush her soul and conscience, until it gets destroyed completely. So when the artifact will reach its limit, it will be the death of her, as a human being. Only a shell of her will remain. And judging by what was said later on in the story, they actually hope for her to lose her consciousness completely, so they can make use of her more easily.

Afterwards, they burned the book they took the ritual from, so the procedure would remain in their knowledge only. Greedy till the very last drop.

Once their perfect magical tool was achieved, turning a little girl into some sort of artifact, both the Clan and their accomplices couldn't stop bragging about it. The only positive words Akiho has ever received in her life by her people were after she was turned into a tool.

With a newly found purpose for that stain on their clan’s pride, they sent her away into the world to collect all the magic books she could find and write their powers into her, even though she was still just a child. For reasons still unknown, Yuna D., the boy who involuntarily caused this horrible ritual to happen and basically condemned her to death, offers himself to accompany her. The very first decision he took in his own life. That decision will change forever the course of their life, for both of them.

Rising from the ashes, towards a future of hope

Rehashing Akiho’s past is important to understand her personality and behavior fully. CLAMP, in the Clear Card manga, have portrayed the story of her past in a very peculiar way: it starts as any other fairytale, with light tones and cute designs. But as the story progresses, and the horror ensues, the tone of the tale changes, and so the drawing style too. It becomes serious, and “realistic” (ad opposed to the initial cutesy style). What started as a possible generic fairytale, turned into a real nightmare.

On top of being deprived of the love of her parents ever since she was born, because apparently they died right after, Akiho spent her early childhood in complete solitude. Those magicians who were supposed to be her remaining family were too absorbed into their own greed for power, to consider the needs of a baby girl. Not to mention that they had some kind of disgust for her, for being magicless. She was denied attention, cuddles, conversations, play activities, toys. She was denied love and care. All basic things that contribute to shape the personality and psychology of a person. Akiho grew up with the conviction that she wasn’t worth any of that, because no one gave it to her. One of the complaints I have seen the most about her in the fandom, is how she’s always so apologetic, to the point of becoming obnoxious. If you think about it, one of the most prominent characteristics of her personality is how she continuously apologizes to people, thanks them for any smallest thing, and is always, constantly seeking validation. 

But if you stop for a second to think about her past, you’ll realize with dismay that those are none other than symptoms of the abuse she suffered in the past. She was called “good for nothing” and “useless” by her clan and the Magic Association, and those words carved themselves into her heart, forever scarring it. Akiho grew up believing that she was really worthless and good for nothing just because she couldn’t meet the expectations of her clan, and it’s apparent when we see her considering herself “extremely clumsy”, even though we have afterwards seen that she’s perfectly capable of cooking, sewing, even playing sports. She only needs the dedication of someone who would teach her that.

With a disastrous psychological situation like this, one would naturally wonder how this girl didn’t commit anything extreme yet. Completely alone in the world, deemed useless. Unloved.

Books, books were her first lifeline. The fictional, magical, wonderful worlds depicted in those stories saved her sanity, making her dream about a better life, about friendship, about love. They taught her everything. They gave her the hope that those things existed out there, and maybe one day she would be blessed with them too. The fantastical characters kept her company when no one was there for her (yet). And she loves them viscerally for that, to the point of seeing herself mending damaged books in the future, as a possible occupation. Just like they mended her lacerated heart.

The second lifeline was her meeting with Kaito. Uncharacteristically to him, Kaito showed immediately a kind and interested behavior towards her. This was so shocking, so incredible that Akiho’s first reaction to his introduction was to run away. No one ever addressed her with the intention of having a conversation. No one was ever interested in what she was reading. Even just by this you can get a glimpse of how miserable her life had been till then. Full of psychological issues himself, thanks to the human connection Kaito gradually turned his attentions towards Akiho from contrieved mannerism, to genuine and sincere gestures. Akiho can feel that affection, even if her self-criticism always pushes her to believe that she’s nothing more than “job” to him. It’s something small, but what she’s experiencing with Kaito is her everything, and more than she’s ever had.

The third lifeline is Momo: Akiho doesn’t know, nor remotely imagines she’s actually a living magical creature. But she has been her constant presence ever since she was born. Her connection to her is special, and you can see it in their daily (one-sided, for now) interactions. Akiho talks to Momo, she greets her when she comes back home, she constantly carries her around, she thinks about giving her a little dress as a present. Momo is Akiho’s strength. The love this girl pours into what she believes is just a stuffed animal is incredible. It goes to show Akiho’s immense capacity to love something/someone without expecting anything in return, but actually just enjoying the simple presence and courage they give to her. If you think about it, it’s the very opposite of what she experienced with the only human interactions she’s ever had before Kaito came into the picture. Her aptitude to selfless love is also remarked between the lines in chapter 49, when Akiho is telling Sakura about her relationship with Kaito. Despite all the ugliness she went through, she’s still able to find in herself the strength to overcome all of it, and change her life for the better.

This certainly hasn’t been an easy or quick process, because in the flashbacks of her journey with Kaito we always see her with a pensive/serious look. It must have been extremely hard to start trusting others, when she had no one she could count on in her own home.

Akiho’s capacity to love and rise from the ashes of her terrible past has been so contagious, that it has started to affect Kaito too.  As Momo said in chapter 51, once you’re given the reason to change, no person can ever stay the same. This must have been true for Kaito, but certainly for Akiho too.

I’m absolutely positive that Akiho (and possibly, Kaito too) will be the symbol for one of the most important, beautiful messages in the whole Clear Card Arc: even if your life isn’t perfect, even if your past scarred you in multiple ways, there’s always hope. Hope to turn over a new leaf and change yourself for the better too, in the process. Overcome everything that had you stuck in pain and grief. Achieve what you always wished for.

[chaos-event-horizon]

In the middle of catching up on the MHA manga and wondering why NONE OF YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT MOMENT BETWEEN REI AND ENJI IN THE HOSPITAL???

Going under a cut cause I'm about to just rant. Warning for me saying less than forgiving things about Enji, Rei, and Dabi. I know a lot of Stans follow me and I promise I don't hate any of these characters, but there are things I gotta say as someone who's experienced this kind of behavior first hand.

Like I know that my opinions on Endeavor's redemption being a good thing are problematique but Y'ALL COULD HAVE WARNED ME. I'M CRYING. "This wasn't just your fault, we were all shit" THANK YOU REI. FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT! And him being shown to have been genuinely (albeit in a moronic fashion) trying to keep Touya from hurting himself? And Touya just shitting on everyone and selfharming and destructing and ripping himself apart while trying to take people down with him? Shouto having an honest moment where he's like "you're doing better than I thought, so let's do this together"?

Beautifully done.

Take it from a guy with a sibling like Touya/Dabi, someone acting like that DESTROYS A FAMILY. My brother's in jail and I still have nightmares. I wake up in cold sweats thinking I heard his voice in my sleep. I've thrown up before because of anxiety over him, and half the nightmares Toshinori saves me from involve that piece of filth. My relationship with my dad will probably never quite heal, because he dealt with it WORSE THAN ENDEAVOR and sided with him and encouraged him and excused every one of his actions. STILL DOES! I can walk downstairs right now and say "I don't think we should pay for ("brother") to have a new tv in his jail cell", and my father will throw a fit about how I "don't understand the situation", "he's just under a lot of pressure", "you're just an awful person and he's not that different from you", "you're a failure too so why do you care". Say what you want about Endeavor's skills as a parent, but at least he had the balls and braincells to recognize he made mistakes and try to stop things from escalating AND apologize to his remaining family. Man thought for years that he'd "murdered" his son when all he actually did was just refuse to encourage self-destructive behavior. Enji went half insane trying to keep history from repeating and making sure Shouto was strong enough to handle his quirk BECAUSE HE THOUGHT TOUYA HAD DIED! If you look at all the characterization up to this point, Endeavor's behavior is a reaction to what happened with Touya. Still shitty? Yes. But the shittiness of a broken and traumatized man, and some of the people I see shitting on him are all about how trauma is an excuse to be a horrible person. You know what I'm referencing.

And Rei? Holy shit. I've never respected her more. I used to hate her character because some of her actions (I'll let you assume which ones) mirrored my birth mother a way too strongly. I now see that I was wrong. Lady's got brass. Mad respect. She recognized she was part of the problem and has chosen to do something about it, and I love that for her. An awful mother? Well she ain't exactly a good one. But she's picked herself up and started rectifying the situation. She's not nearly as weak or broken as the people around her led us to believe. Well done! The people around her had us all thinking that she'd have a psychotic breakdown if she saw so much as a PICTURE of Enji. No we know that's bullshit. She was hiding from her past actions just like Enji. And now she's back.

And Dabi. Oh boy, that boy. He's too much like my brother for me to be able to be a fan, but the way he's written and his thought process are incredibly realistic. Alarmingly so. I can see why people could like him. I respect people who like him. But honestly I'll never see how people can think Endeavor's irredeemable while simultaneously stanning him like he's fucking Steven Universe or something. I firmly believe that the people who claim he did nothing wrong have not been paying attention, and don't actually like or know anything about his character. He's a beautiful depiction of a violent dumpster fire behind a bar in the alley everyone goes to throw up in. He's amazingly written. He's a bastard. He'd have a point if he wasn't so far gone. He desperately needs therapy and at least 3 different kinds of medication. I can respect that, and I love watching people love and appreciate him for what he actually is. The simps who recognize his awfulness but continue simping anyway are braver than any US marine. I'd shake your hand if I wasn't so terrified of your boyfriend. I admire you from afar.

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[callmemythicalminx]

The Last Of Us 2: We Need To Talk About It

*Spoilers ~ ye have been warned!

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I’ve held this off for as long as I could, but I’ve given up resisting- we need to talk about The Last of Us 2. It’s an incredible masterpiece, there’s no doubt about it. The graphics are beautiful and incredibly realistic, and the gameplay has made bounding leaps in progress since the first game, offering a more exciting and intense experience for the player. The actors have of course done incredible jobs and the sound design is amazing. Altogether, a pretty amazing game… Except for one thing- the story.

The first game was widely loved for many reasons, but most prominently, and I’m sure many will agree with me on this, the story and the characters are what made it stand out and still hold up to this day. Joel and Ellie are amazing characters, incredibly complicated and realistic. The former was a man we as players grew to love, after seeing the horrible pain he had to go through and the hardships he faced. We saw him do unspeakable things, hurting and killing many, all in the name of survival. But still, we cared for him, because we saw him grow to love too, risking all to keep his new daughter safe. Ellie was a young kid, forced to grow up too soon in a world that didn’t really care about her. Faced with the fact that she was the possible saviour of humanity, she had the weight of a brighter future on her shoulders. In each other, these two characters found someone to care about again. Joel saw the daughter he lost and couldn’t protect. Ellie saw a father who wouldn’t leave and would help keep her safe.

After seeing the bittersweet ending of the first game, we waited for 7 long years to see Ellie and Joel return to our screens once more. Trailers promised new adventures with the pair, as well as the much-anticipated impact of Joel’s actions after taking Ellie from the Fireflies and stopping the creation of a possible cure. Even when leaks about the story were released, the majority of fans held strong to the belief that Naughty Dog would lead us well and would give us a great sequel to finish off an incredible generation of progress, leading us into a new age of video game storytelling.

Oh, how wrong we were…

Make no mistake here- I know Joel isn’t a hero. What he did at the end of the first game was incredibly selfish. I’ve always seen him as an anti-hero because of his sometimes cruel and violent actions and that can’t be forgotten. Undeniably though, he is still such a beloved character, who we can’t help but connect too because he’s human and vastly complicated. He was also living in a world where people are doing much worse things to survive. Darker, more evil actions that weren’t close to anything Joel ever did. Can he really be blamed for some of his actions, when seeing what other surivors had done? When I first played The Last of Us, I couldn’t help but sympathise with him, especially as I saw him slowly become more caring again after meeting Ellie. He’s incredibly interesting too in terms of characterisation because he’s neither good nor evil- he’s just human, trying to survive in a nightmare world.

Obviously, playing as Joel made a world of difference as to how we perceived him and whether or not he was a hero or villain. If we’d been playing as a completely different character, perhaps a Firefly, we would have most definitely seen him in a different light. This is where Abby comes in. I’ll give Naughty Dog credit here, it is a really interesting concept to introduce a playable character who’s seen the other side of our famous duo’s actions. It’s a great way to make us think even more about the consequences and the effect we have on our environment. As the daughter of the lead surgeon meant to operate on Ellie, Abby has seen the negative effects of Joel’s actions first hand.  This opens up a widely explorable concept for the player to experience, offering a new complicated character who has seen her own pain and hardships just like Joel and Ellie did. She’s sure to be liked… Right?

Unfortunately, no.  

In the span of two weeks, Abby has become one of the most hated gaming characters of all time. The reason why- bad storytelling.

I understand what the game was trying to do, I really do. I see what the story was trying to tell and portray, but the writing and pacing ruined this before the game had barely even started. I know I can speak for most when I say that I was expecting Joel to die, either it be naturally or inflicted by someone (or something) else. Naughty Dog know how to tug players’ heartstrings, as we saw at the start of the first game when Sarah was killed. It was bound to happen, though I didn’t really want it to. Joel deserves a worthy death, one befitting of his character which would complete his arc and bring a conclusion to his story. What we got instead was single-handedly one of the worst character deaths ever presented in a video game.

Joel dies at the hands of Abby, less than 2 hours into the game after we’ve seen him for only 10 minutes or so. He and his brother Tommy willingly walk into a very suspicious situation, in the most stupidly uncharacteristic way, revealing their names and where they’re from. They say this to a group of 10-20 strangers, in a building where they can easily be ambushed and restrained. Abby is at the helm of this group, driven to Jackson for one thing- the need to avenge her father who Joel killed. After hearing who they are, the group is obviously more alert and ready to strike. Joel then says, and I quote ‘Y’all act like you’ve heard of us or something’… Bear in mind here, that our Joel from the first game knew he was a wanted man and that he couldn’t trust anyone. Hell, he didn’t even trust Ellie for a good while before he started to care for her. But here he willingly gives his name and acts shocked when it’s recognised? This is not the Joel we know, who’s incredibly smart and can see a trap a mile off.

In one of the most sickening occurrences I’ve ever seen in a video game, Abby then shoots Joel in the knee with a goddamn shotgun. Tommy, of course, jumps into action to help his brother but is quickly restrained and knocked out. While listening to Joel’s horrific groans of pain as he lays wounded on the floor, Abby then has the audacity to ask him to ‘Guess’ who she is? Other than the fact that this is incredibly cringy, there’s no way in hell Joel would have the faintest clue who she is. He doesn’t run a family check on everyone he kills, does he? She could be the daughter of a random soldier he killed or some other nobody.

Ever a badass till the end, still having no clue who she is, Joel tells Abby to get on with whatever she has planned. She gets someone to tourniquet his leg while she collects her weapon to end his life- a golf club of all things. After calling him a ‘stupid old man’, something that both upset and pissed me off too much, Abby then begins to start beating Joel to death. You play as Ellie now, as she tries to find him. She enters this group’s hideout to see her father hunched on the ground, curling in on himself, spasming because of numerous brutal hits he’s received to his head. His face is bloody and bruised, his eyes barely open as a pool of blood spreads around him. We feel the horrendous pain Ellie does as she’s quickly restrained and forced to watch Joel meet his death. She begs, rambling for him to get up and leave, but there’s nothing she can do.  Ellie’s horrified cries are ignored as she begs for mercy and with a sickening crunch, Joel receives one final brutal blow to the head.

And he’s gone. Like that.

If this was written true to the character we know and love, Joel would have never entered that building and given his name that easily. Neither would’ve Tommy. These are two seasoned veterans of a zombie outbreak, who have seen the horrid measures people will go to when provoked or desperate. Is the game really trying to tell me that they’d trust a bunch of suspicious-looking kids, walking willingly into a crowded area with no weapons, standing apart instead of together? Joel didn’t trust anyone in the first game, why would this change?

Regardless of the fact that he’s in Jackson now, which is ‘friendly to travellers’, and that he’s grown ‘softer’, he’s still not gonna be trustworthy of strangers. By and by, Joel is still a wanted man and he knows this, he took away the world’s chance at a cure for Pete’s sake. Secondly, this is plain and simple a terrible death for Joel. Not because of how he died (because this is a zombie apocalypse, after all, it’s going to be brutal even if it’s awful to see) but the fact that this happens the way it did and the placement of it. There’s no closure to his character arc or to the rift between himself and Ellie that’s, at this moment, unknown to the reader. He didn’t die saving Ellie, which as cliche as it sounds, would have juxtaposed beautifully with Sarah’s death at the start of the first game. Imagine how satisfying it would have been to see that Joel would be willing to die for Ellie after he’s been focused only on surviving and himself. Imagine if he’d died in Ellie’s arms just like Sarah did in his…

The timing is also really bad considering we’ve barely seen any of him in the two hours we’ve played. When we see Joel die, it doesn’t feel as impactful as it could’ve been. We haven’t seen any new or old encounters with him and Ellie, except for the small seconds at the start as he retells the end of the first game. We haven’t had a chance to fully reconnect with him. His odd actions further distance us away from him because he’s not acting like he usually would. Therefore we’re left with a horrifying death that feels hollow, strange and disconected.

Abby does not help make this scene any better, which is a shame, because I think if different choices were made to push this death further in the game, we could have had a chance to care for her or at the very least begin to like her. Instead, we have no clue as to who she is or what her motivations are before this. All we know is she’s looking for someone. To then see this new character kill someone so beloved, in the most brutal way… Players are gonna hate her immediately! I hated her immediately! And like I said, her dialogue in this scene is atrociously bad, especially when she insults Joel. That really felt like you were adding salt to the wound there Naughty Dog.  

Imagine if you will, what a better death or a change in chronological order of Joel’s death could have done to help the story. If we’d got to know Abby more, playing as her for longer than two hours, she might not have been as hated. The player could have begun to like her and sympathise with her, slowly realising who she is and at the same time, seeing the damage Joel has caused in his selfish decisions. She could have still killed Joel, but towards the end of the game, so that the player would have felt more conflicted about her doing it after seeing her past, seeing the pain that she went through. The game could have reminded us that Joel is still an anti-hero. Imagine that? If the game had made us admit to ourselves that, though it’s painful to watch, his death might have just needed to happen to make up for the loss of everyone he killed? It could still have fit the environment they’re in too, with a brutal and harsh death that could’ve come out of nowhere, but still felt justified in the story. Tess in the first game had a brilliant death, befitting of her badass character, yet still shocking and realistic to the world she lived in. Instead of becoming a zombie, she instead let herself be shot after bravely standing outnumbered against the enemy while Joel and Ellie escaped. It was a great death and Joel had every right to one of his own. 

Maybe he didn’t even need to die for his actions at all though? Let’s not forget that he’s not the only one who has done bad and unspeakable things in this broken world the characters live in. He’s not irredemable, he’s a complicated human being who has had to adapt to the world around him. Think about some of the groups we came across in the first game- is Joel really worse than them? Yes, he took away the world’s chance at a new begining, but did it even deserve to start again after seeing how horrid people had become? Imagine if your loved one was sacrificing themself for a world that didn’t deserve it? Imagine if the cure might not even work or be possible to create, would you really just let them die? Joel’s only human, he acted with his heart instead of his mind. I have no doubt that Abby would probably do the same, or Ellie, or any other character who had those same choices ahead of them. Joel’s actions were selfish, yes, but he shouldn’t have to die for it. I wouldn’t want to lose someone I cared deeply about, just for a possible cure that would save an unworthy world.This is why we aren’t finding fault with the fact that Joel died, it’s HOW and WHY it happened that’s got us so pissed off.

What makes his death and the story even worse is the ending of the game. All the pain and trauma Ellie goes through killing all of Abby’s friends to find her becomes worthless. Why- she lets her go free. After fighting her twice and losing her fingers during one of those fights, Ellie suddenly has an epiphany and realises that revenge isn’t the answer. She lets Abby go. Once again, I understand what Naughty Dog were trying to do here and once again it could have worked.

‘Revenge is bad’. It’s been in many games and this message has worked beautifully in most too, like in Red Dead Redemption 2 for example. It worked beautifully in the game because it’s something that Arthur makes reference to a lot, reiterating the fact that ‘revenge is a fool’s game’. We see that pan out when John gets revenge at the end of the game and pays the price for it. The reason it fails in The Last of Us 2 is that this message comes from nowhere. Ellie has killed hundreds of people leading up to her final fight with Abby and she’s lost even more in the process too, including friends, her family and now her ability to play the guitar which was the final big thing linking her back to Joel. She’s brutally murdered many, torturing others so badly that she turned into a shell of herself afterwards. She suffers from PTSD because of Abby’s actions, seeing the death of Joel repeatedly, leaving her physically and emotionally weak. It doesn’t make any sense that after all this traumatising violence and pain, she suddenly gives up on the notion of revenge when she’s just about to kill the murderer of her father. The most disappointing thing is this message could have still worked if done correctly. If she could have realised revenge is pointless sooner, this wouldn’t feel as out of place as it does. Why does this one person, the murderer out of all people, change Ellie’s mind, after killing so many? Sure, you could say she has a family now and she was reminded of them, but then why would they have such an impact at the point of Abby’s near death, when Dina begging Ellie to stay didn’t work in the first place? It’s. Bad. Writing.

Abby and Ellie have both hurt each other equally, killing family, close friends and their fathers. Instead of killing each other, the story could have led them to realise together that Ellie is still the key to saving humanity, and with Abby’s link to the fireflies, they could somehow still create a cure.

Imagine. That. How fulfilling that would have been? Instead of the horrid, pointless ending we got instead.

Joel’s death could have brought the two together, connecting the Fireflies once again with the cure to right the wrongs he did. He could have realised that Abby was looking for him and willingly sacrifice himself to make up for what he did, completing his arc like I mentioned while also dying a fitting, badass death. He could have left a note for Ellie to read, explaining his actions, to say sorry and to show that he knows this is the only way to fix what he did. At the end of the game, Ellie could have looked out on a recovering world, singing her own rendition of Joel’s song, this time full of new beginnings in the face of great sacrifice.

That’s how you finish a story and a character’s arc. I’m no world-class writer, but I could imagine many different ways this same story and message could have panned out but with better writing, pacing and time, telling a tale of angst and sadness, while opening up a new chapter of hope and healing. The real end of the game leaves you feeling hollow and depressed, unfulfilled in the journey you’ve just experienced. Games are at their basic principle means of enjoyment, we play them to escape our lives and to have fun. They can be dark, harrowing and painful but still an absolute pleasure to play. What doesn’t help in defence of the game’s story is that the game director Neil Druckman said himself ‘For us, with The Last of Us specifically (Uncharted is a little different in our creative approaches), we don’t use the word ‘fun’. That feels… wrong to hear. If video games are not enjoyable, then what is the point in playing them?

I think it really says something in particular when the most enjoyable part of the game is a flashback between Joel and Ellie where there’s no real action. It’s just them, exploring a museum for her birthday, talking and joking and it’s the best part of the game hands down. It doesn’t include any of the new brilliant gameplay and while stunning, doesn’t really have much visual impact either. What makes it so special is just seeing the characters we love interact and have fun like it’s a scene cut straight from the first game. After 7 years, us fans were yearning to see more of Joel and Ellie’s cute relationship, so to only have that and a few other small scenes is so… unsatisfying. If we had more of their adventures before Joel’s death, I know that many people would have been much more accepting of it. It would have definitely been more impactful, having given us the chance to reconnect with them both again. Going back to Ellie on her revenge path after that museum scene was so depressing. It’s such a shame that further interaction between them was just forgotten about and thrown aside. They were such a big factor in the first game’s success, so to see them barely together felt too strange. Though we play as Ellie for the most part, it began to feel less and less like Last of Us and more like some new zombie game. Playing as Abby so suddenly too and for so long just further implemented that weird feeling. It’s a real shame because I really can’t stand her at all now. But she could have been a great character if the story was much different.

I can’t help but feel that the story feels patronising and degrading to its audience in some ways. Some of the choices and plot lines feel very disrespectful to the characters and fans, simply because of what it expects of you after forcing you through unwanted pain and misery. Let’s not forget also that we were lied to in the trailers. Showing numerous clips of Joel as his oldest self to reel us in, then change them to be flashbacks? Flashbacks which happen to be the only good pieces of storytelling in the whole game. It’s just wrong. And quite frankly it’s disgusting. Video games are expensive nowadays. We already knew many fans were gonna buy it anyway because we’re loyal to what we love. But to intentionally make that push, using lies, to secure sales for an expensive game from a huge fan base… it’s disrespectful.

As a whole, I can see what Naughty Dog were trying to do. They were trying to create something different, do what they wanted instead of what the fans wanted. That’s not a bad thing at all, it’s ballsy and creative to do something like that with a well-loved franchise. Rockstar took that same leap when they created Red Dead Redemption 2, forcing you to play as Arthur instead of the beloved John. It worked for them because they wrote the story well enough so that you’d have time to explore this new character and grow to love him, especially when faced with his actions and his mortality. Arthur dies brutality but fans still love the game because it was a fitting and wonderful way to finish his character arc.

This idea fails with The Last of Us 2 because the player isn’t properly engaged with the story before shit hits the fan and their favourite character is dead. I have no doubt that if it was written differently, if we’d been able to see more of Joel before his death and had more than two hours played with Abby that this story could have actually worked. The message that ‘revenge is bad’ could have worked. Ellie and Abby both have the same arc, experiencing something traumatic, being consumed by revenge, then ultimately realising it’s worthless to kill. We could have followed the same arc with a much better version of the story we actually got.

Instead, it feels like the game is intentionally pissing us off, continuously ruining that idea, first by making us watch as Joel is brutally and stupidly killed so soon, then secondly, by then forcing us to play and connect with Abby for 50% of the game when that seed of hate for her has already been planted. This is another one of the moments in the game where I feel like we’re being patronised. Is it really fair to paint us in such a bad light for not wanting to play and grow to like Abby, when we saw her as a stranger brutally kill our favourite character? Is it really that bad for us to hate her after she has caused so much pain when we’ve only known her for two hours? It’s such a shame because she could have actually become a new well-loved character.

I’d just like to say that while I think the story is bad, no one who was involved in the making of this game should be attacked for it. Video games, especially in this age, are such hard things to make because so much goes into them and I don’t want to discredit anyone’s work. Regardless of my or anyone else’s opinions on the game or its story, the team at Naughty Dog have still poured hours of time and effort into making it. They shouldn’t be receiving attacks or hate, we can still discuss the game and our opinions while being respectful. The actors shouldn’t be receiving hate either, they acted brilliantly with what they were given. Ashley Johnson and Laura Bailey especially should be credited for their work. And Troy Baker, though he was only in it for a short while, deserves an award just for that final ending scene between Ellie and Joel- it made me cry buckets. He made this character come alive beautifully and he deserves all the praise for it. And so do the rest of the cast, who did exceptionally good jobs.

In my eyes (though it sounds bad) The Last of Us 2 doesn’t exist as a game. In my own perfect world, it’s actually just badly written fanfiction posted to Tumblr or Wattpad. As goes in my made up ending, Joel and Ellie move to Jackson and restart their lives after the end of the first game. Eventually, he tells her about what happened and there’s a rift between them for some time, which is, of course, to be expected- it was a momentously selfish thing for him to do. Over time though, Ellie learns to forgive him and the rest is history. Because there’s no real canon ending, anything can happen. So… Did they eventually create a cure? Who knows. Did they stay in Jackson, happily living out their lives? Maybe. Did Joel die a badass and sacrificial death protecting Ellie? Possibly. Or did Joel die eventually in old age, surrounded by his family, holding his daughter’s hand as he passed away?

I hope so…

He may have been a complicated anti-hero. He may have even been a villain. Regardless, he still deserved a respectful death and in my perfect makebelieve ending…

He got it.

🌟🌟/5

Photo Credit ~ some from @ inora_miller on Instagram

[missnight0wl]

I really really hope that what MC found last chapter was not the actual vault treasure. Having a curse or a generally incorporeal power as a treasure might not be the worst thing (in fact I think an incorporeal power that had to be locked in the vaults, meaning they weren’t built to keep people out but to keep the power in, would’ve been quite interesting!) but this one really doesn’t seem to do much besides trapping people in a very limited and very specific location - it doesn’t seem like it was unleashed or anything like that at all.

Not to mention that it just doesn’t make any sense with what we know about the vaults - mostly that this curse didn’t seem to be the ‚reward‘ at all - it seemed to be a barrier, just like the nightmare hallucinations in the vault of fear (exactly like those, actually, since it almost the exact same concept of having to mentally fight through something traumatic) . And the vault itself (as in the golden column) didn’t seem to have actually been opened which was a requirement in all previous vaults...

I just. There’s no way this can be it, the final treasure, the thing that everyone has been working towards since the start, the final mystery? It’s just so. Anticlimactic. I really really hope that it’ll turn out the memory curse REALLY was only a barrier that one has to pass (by facing their trauma and overcoming it) before they can actually get to what’s really in the vault, and that by being pulled out early MC and friends failed to do so and thus the real reward is still sealed away and might be a plot point in year seven, because otherwise ? This would just be an incredible disappointment (not to mention that it would make so much more sense if it was just a barrier, too - even considering how all year Dumbledore tried to teach MC how to overcome their grief and trauma , which ofc is something a teacher should do in a situation like this but also would fit just perfectly with Dumbledores character as a mentor with a secret agenda, secretly preparing students to face great evils on their own - in this case preparing MC to be able to get through the memory curse by teaching them how to overcome the traumatizing memories that curse will present them with , because Dumbledore had to know that curse would be waiting for Mc in the vault right? He knew what was in all the others too after all. And even the whole patronus side quest would play into this, with R sending in the dementor as a ‚test‘ for MC - possibly as a way to teach them how to overcome trauma (after all the dementors do practically the exact same thing that the memory curse does) and accordingly how to overcome the last curse-barrier)

Idk, it’s just. That chapter felt so wrong in so many ways.. what do you think about the whole „curse being the reward“ thing?

All right, before I talk more about the treasure, I want to point out something that I just don’t get – which you also mentioned. I mean, I don’t get a lot of things about this chapter because it was bloody stupid and illogical, but let’s focus on one aspect. So, when we finally enter the chamber with the column, this is how the dialogue goes:

The thing is that at this point, the column was still closed. And we know from the previous vaults that any objects are always inside of the column, so what they’re even talking about? What “baubles and trinkets”? Jam City really didn’t think it through, did they?

Moving to the treasure, though… You know, the funny thing is that I had quite a similar idea for the final vault a looong time ago. It’s just that I didn’t base it on memories, but I assumed that the vault would send horrible, VERY realistic visions of the people you care about hurting or dying. Another difference is that I saw it as a defence mechanism, not the treasure – so just like you’re saying that it’d make more sense. And I absolutely agree with you.

To be fair, such a “memory curse” could be really useful in the wrong hands for torturing people, and therefore gaining power over the world etc. But that’s where we have another problem you also mentioned: its limitation connected to the location. I mean, the way I see it, curses can’t simply exist in thin air – they have to be bound to a person or an object. Even if they’re cast by a wizard, they hit their target, they cause something, and then they just… stop to exist, I guess? For example, if you kill someone with the Killing Curse, they don’t contain it suddenly and their body doesn’t become deadly. That being said, I imagine that the memory curse would be bound to the column itself – which would make sense, seeing how it got activated after MC touched it. But then, what was R’s plan exactly? Would they be sending their victims to the Sunken Vault? Would they try to transfer it somehow? Because I don’t buy that they didn’t know what “the treasure” is. Still, it’d probably make more sense for the narrative if there was a separate object in the column or maybe even a creature causing the curse, kind of similar to Boggarts or Dementors.

But that aside, I wish you were right that it was just a barrier in the end. And I love the points you brought up, both about the Patronus TLSQ and Dumbledore. I had similar thoughts in the past, actually, especially with Dumbledore. The thing is that I was connecting it with the death being a requirement to open the final vault (as in MC had to process some lost to be able to do it, just like they became able to see Thestrals). Either way, it’d tie in really nicely. Do I think it’s still possible to turn out that way? Well, it’d redeem that chapter at least a little, that’s for sure. And while I kind of lost any hope for Jam City already, and almost accepted that we won’t come back to the topic of the Cursed Vaults at all, there’s one thing that actually caught my attention.

If you choose to trap Rakepick in the vault, MC says: “Now she’s trapped… forever.”, and they seem to be very certain about it. But if you turn in Rakepick to the authorities, this is how it goes:

I hate to look too deep into that, but I find it quite interesting that in this scenario, MC is apparently fully aware that it is NOT a permanent solution. It’s also worth to mention that in both options MC uses Confringo (which we were taught by Rakepick herself, by the way) to reseal the vault. It just seems that if they’re not carried by emotions, MC is capable of more rational judgment. Again, I might be overanalysing, but it’s a bit weird coincidence. Perhaps it’d play some role in the situation when we return to the Cursed Vaults issue.

Oh, and let’s not forget that we still don’t know what’s with the Statue Curse. Technically, we didn’t break any curse. I mean, how would it even happen in that case? Previously, it was always about opening the column. But here? What about all the victims? Would that be the reason to return to the Sunken Vault?

Then again, who the hell knows if Jam City is even aware of any of those at this point?

[rotationalsymmetry]

Statement of ideology re: abortion (for what it’s worth):

Hard core pro-choice here.

Abortions should be legal, free, and unstigmatized, and they should happen however often they happen. Minors should not need parental permission of any sort. (Like…it’s generally a good idea for teens to talk to their parents, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to force teens to tell their parents.) No waiting periods, no late term abortion bans, no mandatory vaginal ultrasounds, none of that.

Contraception should be free, and available without a prescription. A wide variety of forms of contraception should be available, including specifically more penis-haver focused contraception. Information about contraception should be widely available and easy to understand. (And taught in schools ffs.)

Talking about sex should be normalized. Differences in sexual preferences should be normalized — in particular the idea that a woman who’s interested in any sexual contact with a man is interested in PIV sex with him needs to die in a fire.

Something something consent culture environment supportive of sexual assault/abuse survivors something something.

And, on the flip side, women and girls who want to keep the pregnancy — or who want to get pregnant on purpose — should be able to and should get all the support they need for that to be a viable option, period. (Yeah, not exactly where we are now.) And no stigma against those who become mothers really young. (Hang on, that was really gender essentialist, I also mean trans folks with uteruses. People with uteruses. Parents.) Sometimes people want to be a parent at disconcertingly young ages, or would rather do that than get an abortion, and that’s a bodily autonomy issue too. And “shit, me and my baby will be homeless if I don’t get an abortion” is just as much coercion as not being allowed to get an abortion. “Teenage pregnancy” is only a problem to the extent the teenager sees it as a problem.

(Abortion is usually not “an option” so much as “the only viable option, in practice”, which means most of the time “pro choice” is pro abortion — true reproductive freedom means abortion is a viable choice and having a child is a viable choice.)

(Sure, adoption is an option, it’s also a stunningly unpopular option. There’s something about going through pregnancy and childbirth and not having a child afterwards to mitigate the unpleasantness, that is just phenomenally unappealing to most people. Shocking, I know.) (But yeah, sure, that should be an option too, and open adoption on the birth parent’s terms should be an option for all those that want that.)

(And…I’m generally not very sympathetic to the MRA “financial abortion” (men shouldn’t have to pay child support if rye don’t wanna) concept just because, like objections to tipping, not doing that while keeping everything else the same means someone’s going to get screwed over badly. But ideally? Yeah, biological parentage should not automatically mean financial responsibility for a child, ideally; ideally this is a community support situation not an “each family for themselves” one.)

Likewise: trans people need to get their gender recognized without having to get sterilized; disabled people who want to be parents have as much a right as non-disabled people; and this thing where some women can’t get a hysterectomy that they want while others get sterilized against their will is …there aren’t words.

Anyways, we’re not going to be there any time soon, but in the meantime: an egg isn’t a chicken, an acorn isn’t an oak tree, and a fetus isn’t a child. Abortion is fine. There is morally nothing wrong with it. It’s just miscarriage on purpose. That’s all.

The moral issue comes with denying people the right of what to do with their own bodies and lives. (And since most people who get pregnant are women, and since there’s a fuckton of ways an unwanted pregnancy can fuck your life up, this is hella a feminist issue.)

And that’s not at all incompatible with understanding that when a person with a wanted pregnancy loses the pregnancy, that can be an unspeakable tragedy. Pregnancy has different meanings in different contexts; sometimes it’s a heart’s true desire and sometimes it’s a worst nightmare.

There is a thing about the issue of abortion that brings out the liar in so many people. Some truths: there doesn’t have to be a clear line at either conception or birth, the change between not-person and person can be a gradual thing with no unambiguous “this is a heap” point. Truth: a lot (maybe most? Don’t have the numbers offhand) of abortions are sought by women who are already mothers. It’s not some “irresponsible” young woman only thing. Truth: you can get pregnant from rape. Truth: late term abortion is fundamentally not the same thing as first trimester abortion; first trimester (normal) abortion is usually about not wanting a full pregnancy/child; late term abortion is usually when the pregnancy was wanted but something went horribly wrong and there is not going to be a living child at the end of the process no matter what. (Also: “partial birth abortion” isn’t a medical term and the ban didn’t stop abortions it just changed how they happened and interfered with parents’ ability to mourn a wanted but dead child. Sorry. But I think it’s important to point this out.) Truth: most pregnancies aren’t viable and miscarriage due to severe health shit happens all the time. (This might not seem like it is related to abortion, but to my way of thinking abortion can only be “murder” if miscarriage is the loss of a child, and realistically most miscarriages are not responded to that way, and many aren’t even noticed.)

Truth: laws are a sledgehammer and many people who think abortion should be illegal in general do actually get abortions themselves or help a loved one get abortion for the exact same reasons as everyone else, like “I’m too young and it would derail my life plans.” Not everyone who’s against abortion I’m sure. But also, not everyone who’s personally against abortion thinks it should be illegal. Truth: thinking something is bad and thinking it should be illegal are different things. I don’t really expect that to be compelling to someone who thinks abortion is bad, since I’ve already said I don’t think it is. But it’s an internally consistent position many people have.

Truth: abortion sometimes saves lives. Truth: abortion sometimes saves lives when determining there was a threat to life would have been incredibly difficult or unlikely. Truth: you can get pregnant from rape, and an abortion ban with a rape exception is either going to get a ton of people lying about being raped when they weren’t, or a ton of people who were raped but can’t get an abortion because they can’t prove it, or both. Truth: there are people who go to an abortion clinic who haven’t been to a doctor for any other reason in years and won’t go again for years.

Truth: some people who get an abortion regret it, and many others feel mostly relief or not much of anything.

Truth: from a health perspective, carrying a child to term even under the best of circumstances is far more risky than getting an abortion.

Truth: you can be a moral person and also get an abortion.

(Opinion: for people with uteruses who date people who could get them pregnant, especially who date cishet guys: you have to be on the same page about abortion on a personal level. If you’re not sure which way you’d go that means you need to only be (in a relationship with) people who think it’s your call and they will back you no matter what. Guys who have the capacity to get someone pregnant and who don’t believe in abortion ethically need to wait for sex until they and their partner are ready to have a child. That’s the only ethically consistent stance. A dude who says he’s against abortion but wants sex right away is the worst kind of shitbag and completely unfuckable.)

Anyways. Be well.

If I could talk to my teenage self, I would say: you will think about it, you will decide abortion is morally neutral, and you will be really pissed off that you were surrounded by “pro-choice” people who never just sat down and told you how they came to the conclusion that abortion was morally OK. I would say: most adults don’t actually care that much about what children are told, they think they’re too busy to worry about that, so there are vitally important things about the world that no one has told you for political reasons, because there are vicious hateful people who will fight like vipers to keep you from being told those things and the adults who would have told you weren’t willing to have that fight. This is not fair or right. But it doesn’t mean there was nothing to say. It just means there are vipers.

And yeah, you’ll still be pissed at the idea that if you’d gotten pregnant as a teen or young adult, you wouldn’t have actually gotten a choice. Fucking hypocrites.

There’s more than one way to deny people their reproductive rights.

[ziracona]

Thinkin about how the NOES 2010 movie is so good. Listen…listen. It has really unusual structure. Most of the time, a horror film follows either a single unit (one person, one family) through a whole plot (The Witch, The Babadook, Saw, Halloween) or a group of victims with one pretty obvious final girl in the mix (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Know What You Did Last Summer), but NOES 2010 doesn’t do that. It takes you through several protagonists, one at a time, moving on from one teen to another when your initial protagonist is killed, starting with Dean, moving on to Kris, then Jesse, and then Nancy and Quentin when they’re the last two standing. It’s a fresh take, which makes everything so much less sure, and gives narrative weight to the characters who die instead of just making them bodycount. Everybody gets treated like the final girl, not canon fodder, which is extremely important to the story the film is telling. Nancy and Quentin don’t even become the film’s focus until almost halfway through the story.

Probably someone who is unfamiliar with the original film would assume Kris is the protagonist until she is killed thirty minutes in a little ala Psycho. It makes everything seem less certain, and makes the characters who you lose as important as the ones who make it, which is a really responsible way to tell something. A lot of the time, the characters in horror are kind of assholes (which is great and another rant for another day, because since the stakes are so low [literally you just have to care enough to not want the character to be brutally murdered], you can get an audience invested in an willing to explore the complexity of even a shitty  person—but like I said, that’s a wholeass other rant), but in NOES2010, they’re not, which I think is important. Never does the film want you to feel like the characters either suck and deserve something happening to them, or are stupid (look, when the publicist in Scream 4 got out of her car in an unlit parking garage in the middle of a Ghostface chase, I saw the wholeass theater stop cheering for her to live because she was so stupid we just couldn’t root for her anymore—it happens) and to care less about their outcome that way. Everyone fights hard and tries hard and it’s just not enough.

Obviously it’s a slasher, but NOES 2010 is really like a thesis work film on CSA and how it affects people, and the commentary is both responsible, and really, really well done. As someone who has had to write a character who has committed that kind of crime, and walk the fucking razor’s edge between making them duly awful, and not crossing the line into anything exploitative or gratuitous, I can say with certainty that is not an easy thing to do. Because you want to give weight to the suffering that has been inflicted and realistic portray of the depravity of your villain, but again, you really don’t want to show anything more than you have to. That’s not what it’s about, and honestly, you can talk about that kind of a serious issue without actually showing things on screen. A film about CSA would be kind of defeating its own purpose if anyone who had ever experienced that shit went to watch the movie and went away more traumatized. The film does a really responsible job of walking that line. Freddy is awful, and there’s a constant threat with him—especially in the film’s climax—but he never actually assaults anyone onscreen (or off, except in the referenced past. The worst thing he does onscreen is lick someone, which is still incredibly disgusting), and the film still manages to keep how awful he is very, very real.

CSA is a really shitty thing to go through, obvious, it feels incredibly of dumb to type that—any assault is. Obviously. One of the big things in dealing with it after is a lot of the time, victims can feel broken, or damaged, and even worse, be talked about like they’re some kind of ‘damaged goods’ by incredibly shitty people in their life, but the film doesn’t even give that enough weight to bring it up. There have always been two big ways in film to combat ideas, one of which is direct confrontation (IE a film specifically about something being wrong—Do The Right Thing talking very openly about racism for instance) and by just straight up not doing the thing (Star Trek dropping a woman of color in as both a major cast member, romantic interest for people of other races, and someone working in a position of power, and just being like Yup. This is just normal). Both of which are very necessary and useful approaches. In NOES 2010, all four of the protagonists are in romantic relationships at some point (and so is Dean, the mini-lead protag). It’s not played out voyeuristically, and you don’t get any hot makeout seshes, but they’re definitely in comfortable, functional, physical relationships. In a silent but fucking hardcore stance, while Kris and Jesse spend the night together early in the film, there is not a single on-screen kiss until Quentin and Nancy have found out the truth about what happened to them as kids, and a few minutes later, right before their final confrontation, they kiss. Not even a second thought about anything, except how much they really need and want to kill this piece of shit coming after them, as it should be. It’s a rockhard solidification that not only do the characters not see each other differently because of what happened, but it has done nothing to change who they are or what they can be.

The movie is only an hour and a half, which isn’t that long, but still manages to pack in not only multiple different realistic reactions, (Quentin goes through some hardcore withdrawl/denial after finding stuff out initially, Nancy gets fucking mad), but to cover some of what this is like for their parents. In one conversation with Alan, Quentin’s dad, he tries to explain the mob enacted justice on Krueger years ago by telling him that he hopes someday when he’s a parent, he never has to experience how it feels having utterly failed to protect your child. Even though they only have like thirty seconds of flashback to work with, the script gets in one of the parents in dismay asking what other choice they have about hunting Krueger down, because the alternative is making their three-four year olds get on a stand and tell a room full of strangers what happened to them. It’s a horrible, awful situation to be in. Although it would be really easy to make some drama between characters and their families, even the characters who die have good relationships with their families, and neither the dead teens or their parents are ever narratively ‘punished’ for anything that happens. Kris’ last words to her mom before she leaves on a flight, about eight hours before Kris is murdered, are, realistically, “Love you.” The last thing Nancy says to her own mother is, “I know you were just trying to protect us. Thank you,” and her mother’s last words to her are, “I’m just glad you’re safe.” Characters still die, but they at least get the peace of deserved last words to each other. The film also not only definitely does not vilify the parents for burning Freddy to death for assaulting their preschool aged kids, but comes down in its finale openly supporting that vigilante justice decision, with Nancy’s last words in the film being thanking her mother for protecting them.

Even the whole nightmare theme fits in well with the story being told, because nightmares are a very common side-effect of past trauma, symbolically, there’s a lot people have to fight through in their lives when that kind of shit happens to them, even years later, and it genuinely isn’t given enough weight by most people. As kind of icing on the cake in the film, not only does Nancy get to kill Freddy, he dies in a very ugly, undignified way, with a slit throat and gross expression on his face, after getting his ass handed to him in a like a thirty second fight in reality with two very motivated teenagers.

Plus, Quentin Smith is canonically ADHD, and Nancy Holbrook is a really underrated protagonist who reads autistic and I love her.

Anyway. This movie does a great job about using horror as a medium to talk about a topic usually only people already interested in that specific topic would check out, plays out its narrative very responsibly, comes down hard with a big two thumbs up to murdering your local pedophile in a bonfire, and says fuck you to assault victim stigma. My only real beef with this film is that they were so dead set sure they would have a sequel that instead of ending with real resolution, it’s got a stinger at the end (on rewatches I always skip the last scene lol).

Not that it’s a flawless film—it’s got budget parents, which I think is both hilarious and fantastic (meaning everyone except I think Dean has only one parent, the same gender as them, and it’s hilarious and I adore it). They had rushed filming for some of the end. Etc. But it’s really solid, and doesn’t get enough credit as a film. It’s very different from the original—less campy, less funny. But it’s supposed to be. It’s telling a different story. And it’s telling a really good one.

[lovegvvd]

❝ She always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thoughts that wander off the edge of the world. ❞ SARAH PAULSON? No, that’s actually LUNA LOVEGOOD-SCAMANDER. Only FORTY-TWO years old, this RAVENCLAW alumni works as a MAGIZOOLOGIST and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. SHE/THEY identifies as AGENDER and is a HALFBLOOD who is known to be ECCENTRIC, BLUNT, and UNSELF-CRITICAL but also NONCONFORMING, INNOVATIVE, and PERCEPTIVE.

LINKS: stats, pinboard, character tag. CHARACTER PARALLELS: orla mccool (derry girls), misty day (ahs), dale cooper (twin peaks), phoebe buffay (friends) HELLO once again a note from me mar, that a lot of this is open to discussion and alteration as i’m going off the little canon that i have and because luna is a character with a few already existing ties. so yep! this is all up for discussion! yeet! also i apologise for the length of the history section akdfhsdkjf. also i always forget that luna is married to rolf so pls remind me x

history

luna’s parents were traveling when they became pregnant with her and decided that they would settle in whatever place their child would come to earth --- a game of chance, perhaps, but one of fate, too, they thought. they’d always been dreamers, romanticists, adventurers, and why not let their child decided where they’d end up, even before her birth? and so they settled near a small town in south west england, where luna was born under a full moon and thus named luna. for the moon, that had followed her traveling parents everywhere they went, for the moon, the only thing that would be able to match their child’s powerful and mysterious spirit, for the moon, which she was born under.

the house they lived in was built by her parents, and luna loved it. the house twisted and curled and offered plenty of room for her imagination, from day one. life growing up was complete, was free, it was close to perfect ---- and yet, somehow, it shattered.

[ parental death, trauma tw ] at nine years old, luna watched her mother day. it was supposed to be a day of excitement --- every time her brilliant mother invented a new charm, they would have an extravagant dinner and celebrate until way too late and laugh widely and loudly. nothing like that happened. luna watched her mother die in stead and hammered on her chest to try and get her heart to start beating again but nothing, nothing, nothing worked. the world was a mystery and death was, too, but still one thing was clear: her mother was gone, in one way or another.

luna struggled to accept this truth, as she often did with truths. her father grew fragile and obsessive and she grew nervous and quiet and good at being on her own. she started painting and tried to combat flashbacks to that day during the day, only to have nightmares at night. having a wide imagination was a gift, most of the time, but with this, it was a curse.

luna was traumatised. simple as that. her father wasn’t the best support system, but he was there in a way. the roles of father-daughter shifted, slightly, as luna took care of him, too, but he was still there. and so the last two years before hogwarts were hard. terribly, horribly hard. it was trying to learn how to live in a house where something so vital was missing. it was tryign to understand what death was, which is something that simply refuses to be understood. it was fucking hard. period. (not that luna admits that to herself, even now.) [ end of tws ]

luna arrived at hogwarts and was sorted into ravenclaw very quickly and easily. she noticed that she was odd --- or, actually, other people noticed that she was and told it to her, and she shrugged her shoulders and kept moving on. luna had grown reclusive after the death of her mother, and didn’t mind not fitting in. it was lonely, sure, but she didnt see a reason to befriend people who looked down on her beliefs. she didn’t mind being called loony, but when her belongings started to disappear, she grew angry, deep down. she let most comments and acts of cruelty slide off her back, but when a bad word was muttered about her father ( who she already worried so so much about ), she was prone to explosion.

but she was lonely, and then she was not. the details are fuzzy, but at one point she found friends at hogwarts! finally! she did it! luna learned to come out of her shell, learned how to handle compassion ( though clumsily and in her own way, of course ) and the wonderous world of having friends. she painted them on her ceiling and loved and laughed and ---- things were good. she loved. she laughed. she wasn’t alone, and while she had never considered herself alone or lonely, it wasnt until she gained friends that she realised that she had been awfully alone.

upon graduation, luna took to the world. she traveled far and wide and learned from amazing, genius people across the world. she studied magizoology and wrote her first essay on a newly discovered species a year into her travels. she returned home often enough, of course, to see how her father was doing, to see her friends. friendship had once been a scary and new thing to luna, but as she grew older, it became natural and easy and something she couldnt do without.

at some point, she and fellow magizoologist rolf scamander got it going. they married, had a pair twins and a new chapter of luna’s life opened up. once again, the complete details about her and rolf meeting are fuzzy, but i imagine it was LIT. i do think she settled more, then, especially when the twins were born. luna hadn’t really had rooted herself down after graduation ( the cottage she owned in the hills of england was a home she barely called a home, as she wasn’t there much ), but that did change.

luna is still the person she was before, she’s just more. she’s more grounded, but not any less in love with keeping her eyes wide open and her head in the skies. she’s a parent. she’s married. she’s got a successful career and a group of people surrounding her that she loves. she has grown up, but she hasn’t compromised. she’s learned how to use perspective and how to be more subtle, without shedding eccentricity or open mindedness.

the quibbler, by the way, still exists and has grown into even more of an underground, activistic magazine. luna writes for it every month.

[ grief, death tw ] so things were going well, and then everything changed. grief came into her life again.  harry is dead – harry, one of her first friends, harry, who named his daughter after her, harry, who she loved. friendship is something incredibly important to luna — she painted the faces of her first ones on her bedroom wall, once — and when he died, she got scared by how grief took a hold of her. the first time she lost someone that significant to her, she was much younger, you see, and dealing with shock & trauma as well. this time, she was an adult, settled and grown up. she is more aware of her grief, and that is TERRIFYING.

she’s also less passive in her mourning. before, she was a kid. family friends visited and her father was on her side. now, she’s a parent, a friend; she visits the kids of friends in stead and sticks on ginny’s and everyone else’s side, in stead. luna might come across unfazed or disconnected from her pain, as she talks about it like she is, but she is not: she has her own way of mourning (as everyone does) and she can say some really Truthful and Raw shit at times.

she misses him so much. that’s what it boils down to. she misses him so fucking much. [ end of tws ]

of course she helps reinstate the order. there’s no question about it. luna doesn’t feel like a revolutionist or a soldier, but she does know how to fight, and she does know what is right. she’s good at strategy and defense, mostly, and at keeping spirits high and offering new perspectives.

so here we have luna: a parent, a fighter on the frontlines, a friend. she’s determined. she’s horribly saddened. she’s still herself, despite everything.

personality & tidbits

i think i already touched on this but i think it never hurts to repeat yourself so --- luna is a more grounded individual, at this point. she still has her head in the clouds, but her feet are standing solidly on the ground. she’s a dreamer, yes, but more of a realist, too. ( nothing like one of your best friends dying to make you realise how shit the world is, after all. ) luna isn’t very different from the luna we know in canon, but she’s matured. she’s more. she’s gone through a lot of positive development.

luna is constantly and always in awe of the friends and family she has, especially because she was so lonely for the biggest chunk of her youth. she’s extremely loyal and defensive of them.

luna is agender and has been aware of this for ... most of her life, really? she thinks gender is a big old construct and one she doesn’t want to apply to herself. if others do, she of course doesn’t mind or judge --- she’s veyr openminded when it comes to gender and sexuality. she prefers both she/her and they/them pronouns --- sometimes she doesn’t mind which one people use, and sometimes she will prefer one over the other.

is good at trying to keep up morale without it being an escapist ... kind of situation? offers fresh perspectives a lot, likes being a positive force and yes, sometimes it is easier to focus on the positive, and she will, then.

she really loves the stars and moon and astronomy and astrology!!! wow!!!!!!!

wears iconic outfits and we ALL know it

idk what more to write ive already written so MUCH

possible plots

first of all? i would love someone who can be kind of a mentee? because fuck yeah? i love that? any other magizoologists in this building that need some mentoring? hit me up!!!!

same goes for the quibbler, if your character somehow writes for the quibbler, hmu? i think xeno is still the editor but lbr the man is OLD

fellow trio era characters should hit me up so we can talk about the good old school days and CRIE

order members that are ?????????????????? at luna, that are a bit skeptical, etc etc?

fellow art buds

death eaters that want 2 eliminate her ig lets angst this up

idk luna is fairly easy to plot with so just hmu and we can figure something out!!!!

[scripttorture]

(1) i'm writing a story about a kid (under 13, havent decided exactly how young), who undergoes a horrible though mostly unintended period of psychological torture, set in northern Russia in the 13th-14th century. They're the youngest child of the local Lord, and their town gets invaded. Once the dust has settled, their family is brought up on a stage and all the commoners and servants are made to watch in silence as the family is tortured via slow dismemberment, then killed.

(2) The child is basically in a position where they have to serve the people that did this and maintain their disguise, or they will have the same done to them. At one point they are accused of theft and are given the punishment of that time and place- cutting off a finger. Beyond that there's no direct, intentional physical harm done to them. After several years, the invading force leaves and it becomes safe for the surviving child to come out of hiding.(3) What sort of effects could i expect them to have after the torture and trauma? Currently I have them as being so afraid of speaking giving away their identity that they've gotten selective muteness, and once it becomes safe to come out of hiding giving up their former title due to fear of becoming a target. I'm looking for stuff both during the ongoing trauma and afterwards, and i want to do it justice!

Thisall sounds possible.

Idon’t know anything about Russia during that period so I can’tcomment on whether these particular attacks fit the place and period.

Ialso don’t know much about childhood development. The majority ofthe accounts I have are from adults. And while the same symptomseffect children and adults the expression of those symptoms can bedifferent.

ScriptTraumaSurvivorshas a post here on age appropriate expression of trauma symptoms.

GenerallyI tend to stress that witnessing traumatic events doesn’t alwayscause trauma symptoms, but given all the other circumstancessurrounding this I think you’re right, it’s highly likely thischaracter would be extremely traumatised. They’ve lost theirfamily, witnessed horrible things and lived for years in a constantstate of fear and threat. Long term psychological effects areextremely likely.

I’dsuggest you don’t refer to that as psychological torture becausewell- that’s a phrase a lot of torture apologists tend to use torefer to things like starvation, sleep deprivation and stresspositions, which leave no obvious external scars but do cause a lotof physical damage. It’s a phrase that tends to get used to dismissor belittle physical tortures by implying they’re ‘only’psychological.

Iunderstand why that’s the phrase you reached for here though and Idon’t think you’re downplaying what the character goes through.Just- be aware of how that phrase is often used.

Iget asked about muteness or refusing to talk sporadically. Thereisn’t really a way to purposefully inflict it and from everythingI’ve read it seems to be a rare symptom. But you do occasionallyget survivors who stop talking for a period of time. And the wayyou’re describing this it seems as though you’re treating hisrefusal to talk is part of an underlying set of symptoms rather thanthe symptom itself. Which I think works.

I’malso getting the impression that you approach writing symptoms quitedifferently to the way I do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong withthat: we all have different ways of writing and I honestly think themost unhelpful writing advice is the sort which sets out to changehow someone writes.

Rightnow you’ve got a set of behaviours but not necessarily an explicitset of symptoms.

Nowyou don’t necessarily needto come up with an explicit set of symptoms to do this justice, butit might help guide you through how the character’s mental healthproblems change with time.

Atthe moment it sounds as though the main mental illness you’reportraying is anxiety (though you could possibly also write whatyou’re describing as hypervigilance or depression). That in turn isleading to social isolation as the character avoids or cuts himselfoff from other people.

Ithink that’s a pretty good starting point. The symptoms have beentied to both the character and each other in a way that feelsnatural.

Myinstinct is that given everything going on here another underlyingmental health problem might be a good idea. Given the character’sage, the setting and the other symptoms I think insomnia, learningdifficulties or memory problems could all work well.

Insomniaexacerbates pre-existing mental health problems and you could usenightmares as a way of tying this to the other symptoms.

Learningdifficulties would probably be a little more subtle as they might bedismissed as inexperience or a product of the character’s age butthat subtlety could also make them easy to work into the story. Theother symptoms clearly establish that the character hasserious long term symptoms and that means you have space to includeless ‘obvious’ ones.

Irecommend memory problems pretty often because they’re incrediblycommon in real life but rarely depicted well in fiction. They’realso often not acknowledged in the real world, despite having amassive impact on survivors’ lives.

I’vegot a Masterpost on the most common types and how they work here.

Giventhe story you’re telling I don’t think memory loss orinaccurate/false memories would be a good fit.

Butforgetfulness might well be: the character could easily use that asanother ‘reason’ why he ‘has’ to step down, believing himselfto be incapable or unsuitable. Intrusive memories could also be avery good fit and could feed in to his other symptoms. Writing wisethere’s the ‘danger’ of including too many flash backs toparticular awful moments, robbing these moments of their power. Butthis can be overcome quite easily by stressing the feelings thememory evokes rather than the details of the moment in itself.

Loopingback to the main part of the question- The ‘right’ way to handleany of this going forward is going to depend on the story.

Whilethe character is still in danger there may well be worse moments andbetter moments but he’s not going to make any real progress towardshealing while he’s still effectively a prisoner. This doesn’tnecessarily mean his symptoms will be constantly getting worse. Itwould be perfectly normal for them to reach a point and plateau.

Recoveryafterwards isn’t something survivors do in isolation. He’d need asupport network which he currently doesn’t seem to have. That couldmean that part of his recovery process is buildingtrusting and healthy relationships with others.

Giventhe time period and place the church could play quite a large role inhis recovery. Priests, monks, nuns (and anchoresses but I’m unsureif Russia had them) all played roles in communal mental health. NowI’m sure the quality of this help varied widely from place to placeand person to person but there’s nothing wrong with you choosingthat your character has access to better quality help.

Hislack of support network means that recovery would take longer andthere’d probably be a period where he’s at quite high risk ofharm. That doesn’t necessarily mean attack by others or self harm.Severe mental illnesses can make it difficult for a person to takecare of themselves.

Forinstance he might have days when he’d rather go hungry or cold thengo out among other people and get food or firewood. That’s the kindof time when having a support network is a huge material help.Linking back to the church idea I think it could be plausible to havelocal religious figures attempt to help in this kind of practicalway, leaving food or firewood. Other characters close to the survivorcould also fill this kind of role.

Recoveryis slow and it is rarely linear. Even if someone is generally gettingbetter they can still have incredibly bad days or weeks.

Andas people recover they often find that aspects of their mentalillness seem to change. For instance if someone has severe depressionit’s not uncommon for them to start feeling more anxious/overemotional as the depression eases.

That’spart of why I think trying to figure out the underlying illnessbehind these behaviours is helpful. It can give you an idea of how tohave those behaviours change in ways that are organic and realistic.

Goingwith the idea that the character’s major illness is anxiety- Thephysical symptoms can include shaking, nausea, heart palpitations,chest pain and generally feeling like you’re having an adrenalinerush most of the time.

Somepeople have speech difficulties when they’re having an anxietyattack. That can include difficulty taking in what people are sayingand difficulty communicating clearly (though it doesn’t stopspeech). Things like repeating the same short answer a couple oftimes. Sometimes it means giving a reflexive ‘answer that will getrid of the person’ rather than an accurate answer.

Anxietycan drive people to withdraw from others, especially if their anxietyis triggered by others. Things like stepping away from people duringconversation and struggling with crowds or confined spaces canhappen.

Itcan also be difficult to sleep, which in turn makes other symptomsworse.

Depressioncan make people feel tired all the time, while also making itdifficult to fall asleep or sleep well. It can make eating difficult.It tends to mute sensation and can leave people feeling numb.

Itcan get in the way of positive interaction with other people indifferent ways. One of the things I hear people describing most oftenis difficulty engaging. When all of someone’s emotional energy isgoing on holding themselves together sparing some for other people isincredibly difficult.

Ihave a post about solitary confinement that may help you get a graspon the effects of isolation. Keep in mind that solitaryconfinement is much more extreme then the vast majority of cases ofsocial isolation. The effects on your character probably wouldn’tbe this bad. But it could help give you an idea of the way this kindof isolation effects people and how it feels.

Itend to approach recovery quite organically. For me it’s anextension of both the character and their symptoms- the logicalconclusion of the situation the story posits. But that’s because Itend to write symptoms in a way that’s very rooted in the characterand I tend to write very instinctually.

Ifyou’ve got a more analytical approach then breaking symptoms downmight help.

Onceyou know what conditions the character has (rather than just thebehaviours) you can start to tie those behaviours to particularaspects of his mental illnesses. That in turn helps you figure outhow he might recover.

Let’stake his difficulty speaking for a moment and assume that the rootcause of that is anxiety. He probably knows that ‘fear’ is thecause of this. He probably feels less afraid on a daily basis afterthe invading force leaves. And that could lead to him finding it alittle easier to speak again.

Buthe might not understand why he keeps getting chest pains. Or why hefeels ‘afraid’ when in a crowd of people he knows are ‘harmless’.

Ifhe, and everyone else, focused on the biggested most obviousbehavioural problems he had then there’s likely a lot of thingsthat slipped under the radar. That were too small to comment on atthe time or that everyone assumed would stop when the invaders left.This can be a pretty effective way to approach how symptoms canchange and how it can catch a character off guard.

Anotherapproach is thinking about what a character currently can’tdo and when in the story they needto do that particular thing. Then think about what needs to change,environmentally or emotionally, for the character to be capable ofthat action.

Sometimesyou can only really get them half-way there and then find yourselfputting together a creative work-around. That’s OK. That can add toa story and be an interesting break from typical tropes.

Recoveryis a slow process of learning to deal with symptoms in healthierways. And incidentally virtually every mentally ill person I’veknown has had moments of expressing things like ‘But I should beover this’ ‘But I should be able to deal with this’ ‘But Ishould be better by now’.

Fromthe sounds of things you’ve put a lot of thought into both thecharacter and that process already. You are doing a good job. Keep atit and I think you’ll have an excellent story.

Ihope this helps. :)

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Disclaimer

[not-that-blog]

Things my heavily abusive ex-fiancé did that I’m making a post out of because I spent too long on him and all these things were red flags.

- Told me I wasn’t good enough one minute but told me I was the next. He made me feel crazy for doubting myself when I was upset with anything that wasn’t him, but guilty and confused if it was because of him or would affect him.

- Told me who I could and couldn’t see/date despite me being very adamant from the beginning he did not get to have that kind of power. So instead, he took any negative he could find and made me think that’s what was hurting me. Not his actions. He apologised for what he did so to him he was fine, but my beautiful ex-gf whom I still love, he blamed her issues with transitioning and my ex-bf who I’m still friends with was ‘too emotionally manipulative’ (how the fuck did I ever believe that idk) and ‘wanted attention when I was clearly exhausted and couldn’t give it’ (like yeah, it was just before I got my wheelchair, but that’s still kinda bs)

- Refused to share the bed with me because ‘there wasn’t enough space and it caused pain’ but would then become super upset and aggressive if I didn’t sleep next to him. Seriously, he didn’t care if I was on the couch or the floor or a chair downstairs or stayed up all night with my face in a brick wall, but he 100% gave a shit when someone else cuddled me on the couch because they were worried because I’d cried in my sleep (my current adoring partner) or if I went and slept on a friend’s bed (which they’d offered to sleep on the couch for me to have but I was like ‘hell nah, we’re sharing it’ this was also my current partner who’s freaking great and loving and makes me feel so safe after everything I went through)

- Told me they would do things I physically couldn’t do, didn’t do them till I’d asked multiple times and would then yell at me for asking them to do something they were ‘too tired to do’ and would go off at me for not doing enough... I was fucking paralysed most of the time. I physically couldn’t move.

- Was inappropriate around my friends, intentionally outcasted me, made me feel guilty for his actions and told me I ‘didn’t prepare him for it’ well enough, then discouraged and sometimes was an actual physical barrier stopping me going to parties.

- Upset my family, what I didn’t realise was this was because he insulted me and mocked me regularly, even when I wasn’t there. He wouldn’t show affection or offer to help me around them. And I know now that’s because he didn’t help me to help me, he use to help me to distract me from things he’d just said or done that if I wasn’t instantly distracted from, I would know were red flags.

- Told me I was responsible for the suicide of my first girlfriend.

- Told me I was a horrible person because of choices I made at 13-14 that were realistically me setting boundaries and saying I didn’t want a drug addicted person who hurt me in my life anymore because they decided to react badly to that.

- Told me that if I ever left or told the truth about things he’d done to me he would kill himself and it would be my fault.

- Told me that I was being stupid and straight out refused when I asked him not to do certain things sexually because they made me afraid.

- Refused to ‘please me’ before trying to have penetrative sex and would constantly tell me it was my fault he couldn’t get it in me and that it hurt to the point I would cry. Would then go off at me for not being able to please him in any other way because I was having a panic attack.

- Told me that me not wanting to shave made me gross and would shame me into shaving my body, fully. My first act of defiance from that was not shaving at all in my new relationship, my current partner didn’t say anything about it and still finds me beautiful.

- Masturbated on top of me while I was paralysed in my sleep. I woke up to this multiple times.

- Forced me to preform oral sex. I won’t go down on anyone anymore because the flashbacks are so bad I get suicidal.

-Raped me. It was first thing in the morning. I was paralysed and he held my hands together so I couldn’t fight him. He had me pinned and raped me. I never told anyone it was an*al rape. I didn’t stop bleeding for a few months. I never went to hospital or saw a doctor. I can still feel the scaring when I move. I wake up from nightmares sometimes. Until my new partner, the idea of being little spoon to anybody made me cry in fear. Even now, I can’t sleep without pants on if I’m little spoon. I don’t wear dresses to bed anymore. We went to a party that night. I told an incredibly drunk friend what had happened to me, the next morning, they didn’t remember. It was the only time I’ve told anyone in detail. I didn’t drink, I tried but it made the pain and the bleeding worse. After it all I self harmed. He told me if I ever self harmed he would leave me. I wanted him to leave me. He didn’t.

- He told me he loved me and that he was sorry and it would never happen again and that it hurt him soooo much and that the flashbacks of what he did to me haunted him. It was all lies. He never loved me. He never meant the apologies. He never cared. He silenced me by crying knowing I wouldn’t know how to respond. It was all fake. He was a fake. He hurt me.

He was abusive and cold and manipulative.

I discovered he told his family we were engaged and that I’d left him and that I was dating his use to be best friend, all after we broke up. Because he told his ‘best friend’ to avoid his family in public. He never told me that.

His mother probably hates me, because she thinks I’ve ruined her sons life be stealing his best friend and running away.

He lost his best friend because he told them that he was the one who’d sexually assaulted me last year then began fake crying and pretending to be apologetic and told them how traumatic it was for him and that he loves and wishes he could stop me from hurting... while I’d had to go to the bathroom to calm my panic attack because he was crying trying to emotionally manipulate me into dating him again. I’m still impressed no one punched him.

I feel like a broken shell and honestly I’m still barely holding onto life because of what he did to me.

I just hope I can make sure no one else ignores red flags

[faangirl101]

Safe, Stiles x reader

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x reader

Warnings: Angst and cuddles

Stiles imagine from season 3b where Stiles is so depressed and scared and has a nightmare but then reader comes, Stiles tells her how depressed he is and reader comforts him. And then they cuddle and its so cute.

It was low key chaos in the pack. After the “temporary deaths” Allison, Scott and Stiles had experienced hallucinations. Allison, one of your closest friends, described it as vivid dreams, that were so realistic at times she couldn't grasp on to reality. She didn't know if she was awake or not. In your opinion, it sounded absolutely horrible. Allison and Scott were at Scotts place , where they kept an eye on each other. And you kept an eye on Stiles, even if he tried to reject your help. Stiles never liked you that much, for some reason. Yeah sure it was painful at the beginning but at this point, you couldn't bear it. After a whole year of seeing him take care or everybody with his plans and sarcasm and just straight up cuteness, you fell for him. Scratch that, you were head over heels with the boy. Every look he sent your way made butterflies go party mood in your stomach, even if it was dirty look.  You hated it, you hated how much you was ready to sacrifice for him even if he would just throw you under the bus. Of course he would rather have Lydia here in your seat, ready to run and save him from his hallucinations. But, Lydia was at the lake house so there was only you, good old plain you. This was going to be a painful night.

You dozed of hours ago. After just coming half through the star wars marathon you fell asleep. But now, you were ripped out of that comfortable peace from a scream. It wasn't a scream really, not like the ones in the horror movies, more like a call for help. Stiles.

It took a solid 5 second for your brain to place the situation. You, in stiles couch…. watching out for stiles. Fuck.

One stumbling legs and hooded eyes you ran down the hallway while trying not to fall on your slippery socks. “Stiles?”, your voice was hoarse from sleeping as your fist formed hand banged quietly on the door. You were afraid Stiles might be angry if you banged to hard. No response. Just a quiet whisper mumbling “Don't let them in”.

You guessed that answer wasn't directed for you so slowly you pushed up the door. Stiles was spread over the bed, his sweaty body tangled in the blue blanket and his fist gripping onto the sheets. “No”, his head fell to the other side with heavy breaths “don't let them in”.

“Stiles”you mumbled carefully and on slow steps moving over to his trembling body. He shook his head “don't let them in”.

He kept repeating that sentence as you slowly sat down on the bed. “Stiles”, he didn't listen so you said it louder “Stiles”. His body was shaking so badly now you could think he was having a seizure. You hate seeing him like this, all vulnerable and weak.

Without really thinking about it you grasp onto his sweaty hands so it's no longer holding onto the sheets but to you. The other hand, was placed on top of his damp forehead, before stroking back in his messy hair. “shhhh”, you hushed him in a way reminding calming a child but it seemed to work.  His body stopped shaking and finally seemed to stay still. But even if he stopped you continued to stroke back his hair and mumble nonsense. “I'm here”, being this close to him made your heart throb “its okay, i'm not going to let them in”.

“Lydia?”, he might as well have ripped your heart out and crushed it himself. Ouch. Lydia. Of course. You stayed quiet, not even daring to breath. That's when he opened his eyes. His whiskey eyes, that were more addicting than alcohol, was revealed. But in this light they were more alike to mud, darker and deeper. But the moment he saw you he dropped your hand. “y/n?” He muttered and rubbed his eyes “what the hell are you doing here”.

Double ouch. You looked down on the hands that moments before had been caressing him “i.. you were having a nightmare”. He pursed his lips together and pushed himself even further away from you. Triple ouch. This boy really knew how to make your chest hurt.

“The door”, he gulped nervously “the door, it's open”.

You looked passed your shoulder and saw the door you left ajar in the dark. “Yeah, don't worry about it”. He shook his head and sat on the edge of the bed “i should close it”. You wrinkle your forehead confused and looked at the door again “its okay, go back to bed”. He got on shaking legs and you caught a glimpse of the soft skin between his pants and shirt. His hands was reaching out trembling “but what if someone comes in?”.

You get up right behind him and try to pull him back “no one would come in, who would even try”.

He got closer to the door and didn't even send you a look like he usually would “no, what if they come in”.

He was starting to freak you out, even if it was just one of the hallucinations you could feel your heartbeat quicken.  “Please stiles” you try breathlessly “please, come back to bed”.

He reach out for the door knob, cold in his hand as he fingers on it with thought. He is your responsibility and even if you feel like hiding you walk over to him and place a hand on his shoulder.

“You let them in!”, Stiles roared to you making you jump in your skin. In a second, with an incredible strength, he has you pushed up against the wall with both your hands in a iron grip. His eyes went from mud to terrifying. You never thought you could be scared of stiles. But here you were.”Stiles”, you had to push all your self control to not cry “i never let them in, i swear”. He pursed his lips together and shook his head slowly “no, no, i saw you let them in”.

A “oh god” left your lips as his breath fanned your face. “Stiles”, you had to get him out of this dream “look at my hand, look at my fingers. Okay, it's just a dream, right? Look how many fingers i have, its not real”. Thats seemed to get his attention as his bruising grip loosened a little to look down at your hand. “But”, he dropped his hands “fingers… its not real, y/n”.

You sighed, grateful he hadn't hurt you, and swallowed the lump in your throat. It wasn't him, he was in some crazy hallucination.

“I”, he looked down on his hands terrified “I could have hurt you”. You put  a hand on top of his shoulder again unsure “But.. you didn't”. He looked up, his eyes glazed with tears “oh god, i'm sorry”. You hushed him the second time that night and pulled him into your arms. His body was pressed against yours in a awkward embrace but he didn't seemed to mind. His head dropped down on your shoulder just to bury itself in your hair. You arms held him close and you caught yourself being scared to let go. He was crying, you could feel the sobs colliding with his body in yours. “I'm here”, you mumble next to his ear with your most calming voice “i'm not leaving”.

You lead him to the bed as he collapsed down onto it. “You don't have to stay, you know”, he rubbed the backside of his head awkwardly. You shrugged with a small smile “i don't mind, really”. He licked his lips looking down on your batman shorts that were, which you almost forget, way to small and almost spilling your entire ass out. You fought the urge to cover yourself as you follow his eyes slide down your naked legs. “You can”, his voice was husky and low from yelling at you “ like lie next to me, so you don't have to sit on the bed”. You swallow down the anxiety rising in your throat. unsure you sat down before slowly lying down next to him. You didnt bother asking fo some blanket as it seemed he already gave you some. “Thanks”, you mumble and look at him shut his eyes. He was so gorgeous. You never got this close to i'm and never got the change to really study his details. You already knew he had moles but now you also saw a few freckles spread over the back of his nose. You wondered is he had any moles or freckles on his butt. You were close to giggling at that but stopped yourself in time. It was hard to try to sleep with him being this close. I mean, he was so close his body warmth was radiating over to you. You shivered, goosebumps making their path over your naked arms and legs. He opened one eye and looked at you. “Are you cold?”. The question came right out of the blue and surprised you as you shook your head. Another shiver, fuck you really couldn't control these things. He rolled his eyes at you “yeah right. I'm going to do something now and don't you dare make it weird okay?”.

You nodded and he must have seen all confusion in your eyes. “Just trust me”, you could here him mumble as he suddenly lingered an arm around your waist and pulled you closer. In pure shook you didn't move as you felt his chest being pressed up against your boobs. was he… cuddling you? Was Mieczyslaw Stiles Stilinski cuddling you? I mean, you fantasized about this moment but oh dear god did you think it would never happen.

Don't make weird, right. With shut eyes and a violently beating heart which he probably felt, you buried yourself into his chest and wrapped a leg around his waist. You could feel him holding his breath as your thigh came in contact with his crotch but at the moment you didn't care. You lied like that, breathing in the same fast outburst and with shut eyes. After a while both of you started dozing off, him finally calm and you happy. Right before you fell into a black abyss you felt a kiss on top of your head and him whispering “goodnight,y/n ”.

[maychorian]

Weekly Voltron Fic Recs #63

This isn’t really a full rec post, just sort of a wrap up of loose ends. You could say I’m going on hiatus from making recs until my situation changes and I have more time for fics. I’m just gonna stick the recs I hadn’t previously put in a list here, as well as some general recommendations, and finish up with Previously Recced Fics That Updated.

Rules: You can find past weekly rec lists here, and non-list recs in my general fic rec tag. Also follow @maychorianrecs for individually tagged posts, the easier to search and reblog. This is stuff I like, and I have a huge bias toward Lance, hurt/comfort, and general fluff, in that order. Gen unless otherwise noted. Please comment on the fics if you read and enjoy them!

A Sound Like Thunder by Bandity Words: 8,959 Author’s Summary: Hunk’s alone, stranded on a planet with no way to communicate and the world around him is being blown apart. But he knows his friends will come for him. Right? Part 2 of the Senses series, but you don’t have to read the first story to understand this one. My Comments: Absolutely fabulous hurt!Hunk fic with a hefty dose of hurt!Lance as well. The situation was incredibly tense and suspenseful, and the resolution was utterly satisfying. Poor Shiro, too. It’s all good stuff.

Smile by IcyPanther for Bandity Words: 3,661 Author’s Summary: Lance glanced at the mirror. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he was remembering. Like, the first glance had freaked him out but it really wasn’t that noticeable. He worried his lip in indecision before finally making his way over to the mirror. He had to know. Just… just a peek. Without further ado Lance gave a tentative smile. And despair crashed down once more. My Comments: Poor Lance. Though his issue seems minor, it really isn’t. I love Hunk being there for him no matter what, and Keith trying hard to be a good friend even though he doesn’t really get it. And Coran swooping in at the end for the win, too. Great comfort all around.

Collect Call by LittleWhiteTie Words: 2,479 Author’s Summary: Unsure of what to do about Shiro, Lance calls Keith. The boy on the screen is wearing his old black t-shirt instead of his Marmora uniform; his bad hair is even messier than usual. “Did you need something?” Yes, but for once, Lance’s words have left him. What’s he supposed to say? Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I feel like something might be wrong with Shiro, but I can’t even figure out what the problem is—if there’s even a problem to begin with. Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I’m not you, and Shiro won’t talk to me again, no matter how hard I try. Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I miss you, and I don’t want to deal with this alone. Nope, not happening. “I—I can call back later.” My Comments: I love the way Keith and Lance’s friendship develops here. Very lovely post season 5 fic with great character development and realistic dialogue.

Sounds of Darkness by IcyPanther for CrownsofLaurels (laurel1020) Words: 8,635 Author’s Summary: Lance couldn’t see. Or hear. Or move. The silent darkness was all encompassing and it was pressing in; choking him, drowning him, blinding him. He screamed but it was swallowed whole into the void of nothingness. Lance trembled, pain shaking his limbs, and faintly wondered if he’d even made a sound at all. My Comments: Lance’s suffering in this one is particularly visceral, but the recovery and comforting afterward was suitably intense, as well. I’m a big fan of Shiro and Lance platonically cuddling. Totally worth it.

With All But His Soul by Resamille Words: 28,849 Author’s Summary: Somewhere along the line, Lance lost himself, replaced with something fierce and foreign. The worst part? He can’t bring himself to want to go back. Like this, he’s improved. He’s a fighter, a perfect soldier. No more nightmares. No more homesickness. No more weakness. It’s better, that way. He’s better. My Comments: This fic is dark. I’m not sure I like it, but I do admire it. It sucked me in and I couldn’t stop reading, even as dread and horror built inside me and I began to suspect that I would not enjoy the ending. And I didn’t. Still, it’s an amazing piece of fiction, very well-written and compelling, and if you’re in the mood for something tragic and disturbing, this is the fic for you.

Forge Fire by squirenonny Words: 19,745 Author’s Summary: Keith thought he’d passed the Trials of Marmora, but when he approaches Kolivan looking for information about his mother, he learns there are four more Trials to pass before he can call himself a Blade. Kolivan, Antok, and Thace watch as Keith undertakes the remainder of his Trials, and they remember their own Trials—a grueling ordeal from which no one emerges unchanged. They cannot aid him in the Trials, but they can help him prepare, and they can help him through the aftermath. After all, the Blades are kin, and kin does not let kin suffer alone. One part Dads of Marmora, one part Kolivan introspective. My Comments: I adore the worldbuilding and the emotions and the backstories and the characterization and everything about this, basically. Kolivan’s perspective is so warm and rich, and Keith’s desperation to belong is palpable. The ending was ridiculously satisfying, too, and I just… This story feels GOOD, y'all. You should definitely read it.

Faces of Home by IcyPanther for glitteringconstellations Words: 6,238 Author’s Summary: There were murmured, familiar voices when Lance awoke that quieted almost immediately when he blinked open his eyes. “Easy, easy,” someone soothed as he tried to sit up. Someone familiar. Lance gasped. “Mamá?” Because somehow… somehow he was home. / Lance is injured in a fight against the Galra and wakes to find himself in the care of his family. But… how did he wind up back on Earth? Something isn’t quite right… My Comments: I love it when Lance gets familial comfort and love, even from unexpected places. This got me hard in the feels. So good.

A Long Night by VelkynKarma Words: 2,359 Author’s Summary: A missing scene from “Failsafe.” Shiro takes care of a very ill Ryou while the others are away, but it’s not so easy to do when he just wants a few hours of rest for himself. My Comments: Part of a previously recced series. This installment is just straight cuddling and comfort in the middle of a horrible period in the story, and it’s everything I love. I adore this.

As Cold as Ice by A_Zap Words: 4,326 Author’s Summary: Keith scoffed when Hunk warned him and Pidge to never make Lance truly angry. After all, Lance wasn’t scary. He was like his element: flexible, playful, and able to let things go as easily as ripples in water. Plus, at the end of the day, he was too nice to ever really do anything when angry. Keith had forgotten that water could be just as terrifying and unforgiving as any wild fire. My Comments: Fun fic with Lance being scary and protective and Keith being astonished. Hunk and Lance are totally the scariest when they’re angry, I believe that absolutely.

At a Loss by FroldGapp Words: 2,189 Author’s Summary: Coran sees the gulf grow ever-wider between Keith and his fellow paladins and decides it’s up to him to cheer the red paladin up. It’s time for an intervention of sorts from the universe’s most gorgeous man. My Comments: My heart aches for Keith here so much. I wish he was a little better at communicating so he could tell the others that he’s having a hard time. But I love Coran noticing all on his own and doing what he can to ease things for him.

Bonded to the Bone by spitfire00 Words: 3,322 Author’s Summary: Pidge is missing, the Green Lion is angry, Matt is heartbroken, Voltron is useless, and Pidge may have inadvertently become god of the forest in the meantime. My Comments: Very cool visual images here, I like this concept a lot. And of course reunions and hugging are nice, too.

yellow by m_barcelona Words: 2,654 Author’s Summary: “I, um…I don’t really know what to say here. I guess I should start at the beginning.” Hunk clears his throat and looks away from the blinking red dot of the camera, suddenly feeling trapped by its unnerving stare. This is going to be harder than he thought. Hunk decides to send a video message home to his family, and discovers a lot about himself in the process. My Comments: Hunk is the best. I loved this look into his heart and mind. It felt very intimate and warm.

So here’s the general part. While I don’t have quite as much time for fics, I’m still reading, just authors and stories I’m already subscribed to. Below is a list of the authors I read no matter what they do, because it’s always amazing. BUT THIS IS NOT EXHAUSTIVE. 

There are LOTS of good gen writers who are not on this list. PLEASE don’t miss out on good fics just because I’m not posting them. Look for yourself. Try every story currently on @maychorianrecs​ and then follow the authors to see what else they’ve done. Follow their bookmarks. I’ve found tons of fantastic stories by reading the bookmarks of authors I like, then following THEIR bookmarks, and so on. It’s like following a trail of Good Stuff, and I’ve wiled away many a pleasant day doing that.

Also, @bosstoaster​ made a filter that removes almost every ship in the Voltron fandom on AO3, so you can find just the gen stuff (with rare canon pairings). Here it is, it’s amazing.

But anyway, the (mostly gen) Voltron authors I am subscribed to at this particular point in time:

VelkynKarma  IcyPanther squirenonny ashinan Bandity birdzilla buttered_onions ChaoticReactions (BossToaster) Emerald_Ashes isabeau25 mumblefox Rangergirl3 WashiPuppy wingedflower yet_intrepid

Some of those folks, particularly Velkyn and IcyPanther, have written some really incredible stories recently. I’m just saying, you don’t want to miss out.

Okay, and here’s the last thing.

Previously Recced Fics That Updated:

mostly void, partially stars (33063 words) As Color Fades Away (317695 words) Shadows of Stars (236851 words) Little Crystals (22176 words) Fusion Confusion (26040 words) The Field of Blood (37587 words) A Dragon in Thy Pocket (14380 words) Young Blood (12360 words) I'm Your Captain (11878 words)

[crypticquantumentanglement]

After an incredible amount of indecision, questioning, doubt, and fear, I have decided to go back on my bipolar medication. After 12 years, I've finally reached a point where I just couldnt live with myself any longer.

I was always rather stubborn when it came to taking my meds before. I never wanted to. I didnt like how they made me feel. Looking back, however, I don't think it was so much of how they made me feel but what they made me feel. They made me capable of actually being leveled enough to process my problems or various situations. They gave me the potential to allow myself to have peace in my life and I just wasnt ready to be at peace.

I reveled in anguish, negativity, and pain. There is a part of me that is always trying to be like that. Finding a problem when everything is perfect. Creating one if one can't be found. Punishing myself because I tell myself im worth nothing. Pushing people out of my life because i feel like i dont deserve them. Chasing them out and cutting them off if they wouldnt let me push them out. Not doing things I love because what right do I have to be any kind of special. Disinterested in everything because whats the point in having enjoyment when everything is so intolerable. Refusing to eat because I feel sick to my stomach from the anxiety. Unable to sleep well from the nightmares feeding my exhaustion. Bringing myself to the brink of utter emotional and physical destruction.

The flip side to this is worse in a way. Feeling completely unstoppable. On top of the world. Doing and saying things that are completely out of character for me. Being someone that i dont recognize. Spending money I dont have to spend. Overbooking myself with appointments trying to get everything done at once because im so far behind in life already. Pushing myself too hard to do too much. Suddenly being interested in things Ive never cared about before. Feeling "okay" and wanting the company of the people that i had pushed away. Still unable to eat because I've pushed myself too hard and waited too long and i feel sick. Unable to sleep at all, and what little bit I manage is usually only 2-3hrs. Being aware on some level that everything I'm feeling is superficial and wont last because the next round is coming to smack me back into my hole. Fighting against it trying to hold on to the notion that Im being productive and active, therefore i must be okay.

For a long time, I had myself convinced that I was in control. I knew what I was doing and I could handle myself. All that did was enable me to continue cutting myself off from the world and hiding inside my illness. It allowed me to become comfortable in a vicious cycle of emotional distress and poor choices, and at a heavy cost. The biggest highlights being 3 failed suicide attempts with accompanying hospital/psychiatric care stays, a failed marriage, poor parenting to my 2 beautiful children, and telling the love of my life that I couldn't be with him because I was bipolar and I didn't want him to have to go through that with me.

I stayed in horribly abusive relationships. Had the ever loving shit beat out of me. Bones broken, cuts, choked, slammed, drowned, dragged by my hair, locked in a closet, raped, dog killed before my eyes, burned, screamed at, drugged, demeaned, disrespected, disgraced and belittled all at the hands of people I had claimed to love and i stayed anyways. Something I'm having to face now is that isnt love. But it is what i was looking for. Not that I feel at fault for anything that another person chose to do to me, but i got exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for conflict. That part of me that is always looking for something to be upset and distraught over. That was my choice. And i used it to push others out of my life. I used it to fuel my self hatred without directly placing myself in the center of the fire. It gave my negative feelings validation and disallowed me from moving forward.

Staying in these horrible relationship, despite all of the transgressions, allowed for the roller coaster of emotions to be on a continual loop. After every horribe happening, there comes a period of mania. It throws all logical reasoning out the window, and all of a sudden, I'm on top of the world again. Busy, busy, busy. Go, go ,go. Its impossible to process anything in that state of mind. So all the hurt, all the pain, all the trauma just lies in wait. The mania makes it appear tolerable because I cant slow down enough to feel it. And when the mania subsides and makes way for the depressive state, that abuse is what I felt I deserved.

The pitiful state I was letting myself stay in. I dont have words that describe the shame I feel when I think about it. I chose to live like that, and in doing so, I failed to see what i was becoming. I was scared all the time. Skiddish and timid and nervous. Not exactly what one imagines when you think about living life on the edge. Im still that way now and its been 3 years since the last relationship ended. I jump clean out of my skin if someone moves too abruptly in my vicinity. I have flashbacks that make me burst out crying from nowhere. The hyper realistic nightmares wake me up every other hour and make me not want to go back to sleep. But while I was living it, that was what love was to me. Fighting on that level, begging and pleading with the other, crying until my eyes were swollen shut. All for the chance to cuddle in silence until I fell asleep. In my mind, despite the abuse, I was the crazy one, so if they could still want me in the end, then that was love, but it really wasnt.

My children have also fallen victim to my illness. My moods know no bounds when they decide to surface. At times, when I'm manic, I seem like supermom. We do all kinds of things; go all kinds of places. I'm very crafty by nature and being manic gives me the energy to not only do projects with my children, but to actually finish them too. I'll buy them things and spoil them, which is wonderful unless I'm spending when I shouldnt be spending. My children love me like this, and thats a big concern of mine too. They are children, 10 and 5, and have no way of knowing that my overly excited behavior is Mom being ill. They also have no way of knowing that my increasingly aggitated, over tired, angry, disinterested behaviors on the other side of that scale are also a sign of illness. They have been yelled at for senseless stuff, like talking amd laughing. Been made to go to bed early because i was about to pass out from exhaustion myself and i didnt want them up unattended. Had their ever action scrutinized in the most negative fashion. Neglected their homework, neglected their laundry, neglected cooking them hot meals and replaced them with sandwiches or anything my son was able to prepare for himself and his sister so that i didnt have to move. This list could go on forever.

But I have finally had enough. I'm done abusing myself over my mindset. Im done tormenting my children with inconsistent parenting. Im done making myself feel like I'm nothing and pushing everything away. Im done. I'm a singer, I'm an artist, I'm a guitarist, I'm a mother and I'm a friend. I'm a person, not an illness, and I don't want to continue defining myself by it. I will win this. I will take my life back. I will be someone worthy of love and respect. Someone worthy of my children's hearts. I am someone. I am not my illness.