#or his extremely roller coastering mental health.

[kumomist]

i actually kinda like the ending... cause honestly in the end wei ying got burned way too much by the cultivation world and was through with it, and as much as lan zhan is on wei ying's side, he cant leave the sects unchecked, especially with the way they easily turned on wei ying, and then jin guangyao too without thinking of evidence and being suspicious of the scenario

essentially wei ying deserves to be free from the judgement and the societal expectations (not using a sword, crafty tricks, etc), while lan zhan is choosing to stay and keep them in check so that history doesnt happen again

[incandescentflower]

When I first yelled about Doctor Slump to my friend she said to me "I love that your narrative kink is mental health" and despite me being yes, I know, but hey about it, it's true. I was trained as a mental health professional and the majority of times I've seen therapy or psychiatry depicted in either western or eastern media it has been for dramatic purposes and often ethically questionable.

Doctor Slump wasn't perfect for me in that area, but it was pretty damned close. It depicts therapy and psychiatric treatment as pretty mundane. It's not big and dramatic. It's small steps as you work to get healthy. And yes, drama is happening around these characters in pretty big ways, but their work on themselves is something required every day, consistent and steady, and taking time to heal.

And somehow Doctor Slump was very serious about mental health but at the same time was sometimes absurdist in it's depictions of the emotional roller coaster of life. I appreciated this dichotomy. It allowed the viewer to face the reality of very familiar emotions in a humorous, non-threatening way. Every time Jeong Woo would kick his feet in a full on tantrum I would think dude, get it together (even while I was laughing) but he would always face the conflict as an adult, even if his first impulse was to melt down.

The emotions were extremely relatable to me as I try to adult. I have those reactions all the time internally. I tell my therapist how I have "don't wannas" constantly and this show simply dramatized those feelings in actions. I liked that it showed that even if you've matured it doesn't mean you don't have those impulses anymore, it just means you're working to manage them. And what is ultimately important is how you act as you face your emotions.

Doctor Slump comes to a close with a message about mental health that is quite powerful. They say outright that being mentally healthy doesn't mean being happy all the time. It means having the coping skills to manage the hard times.

My only wish is that they had left it a bit more open. They do make it sound like mental health treatment is one and done and once you learn how to cope you are cured. That is where I wish Ha Neul's psychiatrist would have said she was ready to move forward but she could come back if she need to. Healing isn't a straight line. It can ebb and flow when you least expect it.

That wish doesn't detract from how nice it was to see mental health treated with kindness, empathy and respect as a significant part of this drama. I really truly loved going through the highs and lows with Jeong Woo and Ha Neul and I am going to miss them very much, but I'm really glad they have each other for the future bumps in the road.

[storkmuffin]

For @vyrd

The things about James Flint/ McGraw (Black Sails) that read as 'my kind' of autistic to me, which matches up with books written about my kind of autism by autism experts, which made me fully identify with that character:

Fundamental social disconnect from other people leading to not pursuing having a family or having hobbies and believes himself to be incapable of being really loved

Is good at work though and intellect earns a lot of praise so focuses on those strengths

Solitude has become imprisoning but is too lacking in social skills or emotional self awareness to get out of it

Live by a very narrow set of rules, remaining independent and invulnerable is very important

When stressed out or becomes overwhelmed with sadness, finds it hard to speak

Entire life has been shaped by mistrust in himself and fear of his own desires

Social isolation as a way of rejecting other people before they can reject him.

Workaholism and devotion to a cause being a sign of autistic hyperfixation

Trouble reading social cues and hesitating initiating contact with other people unless it's a negative situation he can 'fix' and then he's all about that

Deeply and deliberatively analytical

Tends not to get habituated to familiar situations as readily as other people, so often thinks through a repeated situation as if it is completely new, even if it isn't

Repetitiveness is a really key feature of autistic behavior

Withdraws from other people, and there's a feedback look of social disempowerment and shame.

Rigid thinking and extends that rigidity to other people and then can't understand at all when they don't share that rigidity

A lot of Flint's most 'outrageous' behaviors looked like meltdown to me - crying, self harm, outward aggression.

Highly self educated, self starter, but is roundly rejected and disliked by peers. And of course everyone lives in a specific racial, sexual, and class context, so it's hard to tell if his social disconnect from his peers is actually neurodivergent rejection but it looks like class rejection. It could of course be both.

Hyperverbal autistics can have intense and bright personalities but can also seem icy and withdrawn depending on the situation.

Thinks constantly about how he's being perceived and rarely feels at home in any community.

Can think up and 'enact' a very enticing persona, that's immaculate in style, in an effort to have their personhood recognized but then is always misunderstood, and every day is a fight to communicate their real self

He seems to me my type of sensory seeker autistic - crave activity, motion, bright colors, thrills of roller coasters, the clear rules of order on any boat, clear rules of (violent) engagement among pirates and with the actual navies.

Can excel at mentally demanding jobs (like piracy, captaining a ship, maintaining a naval career) but makes diastrous social decisions.

can get so attached to seeing self as brilliant that leads to neglect of physical health in pursuit of goal.

constantly baffled when attempts at communicating clearly are seen as rude or hurtful.

despite being personally powerful, can engage in very fawning behavior - the more invested he is in an emotional connection, the less likely he is to criticize that person or vocalize when his boundaries are crossed, or express unhappiness with that behavior (basically all the shit that goes down with John Silver)

Really fantastic at anticipating what happens next because he spends tons of energy trying to script out what will be said and what he should do next.

When they act as behave naturally (such as in moments of great stress) come off as too much or a cold blooded creep

tendency to object personification - his relationship with his boats - autistics identify with items we love and feel a degree of empathy as if they are alive

when swept up in a special interest, feel extremely alive. work life balance and burnout don't happen to autistics in the way it does for neurotypicals. autistic people get exhausted from socializing a lot instead of woring a lot.

neurotypical people quickly and subconsciously identify peope as autistic and then immediately dislike them. autistics are slightly off - unnatural looking smile, not knowing how to end a conversation - and these behaviors can be seen as scary or unsettling.

tendency to speak in a tone that sounds dry or sarcastic women are often seen as cold or bitchy and men as condescending mansplainers

��tend to get into patterns of intense emotional dependency, combined with insecurity

 yearn to be accepted yet doubt they can be

when people try to connect with autistics, we sometimes rebuff them without realizing it

[ggukkieisintominnie]

they chose to go together because Jimin will be treated like how taemin was is all for safety and mental health reasons

As a Taemin Stan, his military service was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I cried of shock when his enlistment date was announced; I cried of pain when I saw his military haircut selca (his wide eyes was screaming for help), however I got to cry of joy when we were updated he joined the military band and is close friends with Sungjae of BTOB. That was relief however it was short lived when Sungjae completed because not long after I cried of anguish following the announcement of his inability to continue on heavy duty due to depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Yes I know the words on the street is that it was caused by harassment, stalking and all but as I said those were all words on the street and were never confirmed by real sources.

Taemin debuted young, so life of music and idols are his main companions. so military was an extreme change of field, fortunately, he met Sungjae (a fellow idol) whom he was part of the military band with (music). However once Sungjae discharged, he lost his companion in an unknown territory. So most obviously that affected him mentally and emotionally becuase not long after Sunjae's discharge (Nov) it was publicly announced his moving to light duty (Jan).

So back to your statement anon, Jimin same as Taemin is moving into an unknown territory whilst Taemin met Sungjae as a companion, Jimin is going with a companion -Jungkook. And it safe to say for the 5 months spent in heavy duty Taemin's companion did provide him to keep a healthy mental and physical state.

So tell me anon, if Jimin ending up like Taemin is your worry what makes Jungkook immune to ending up like Taemin? Jungkook is equally human too just as Jimin and Taemin he debuted young and only knows of idol life and music.

Maybe you will reason with Taemin and Jimin differ from Jungkook appearance wise as they present more fem than masc. Well that baseless because it was announced mental health reasons made Taemin move to light duty. If you believe in baseless rumors with no reliable source that on you.

Jikook BOTH agree to be each other's companions so as much as Jungkook will provide Jimin safety and a good mental health remember that Jimin will do the same for Jungkook. Companionship is a two way street yall... Jungkook is human too.

Safety can be provided by the defence force after all they are their soldiers so they would be physically taken care off. About the mental health reasons well THEY HAVE EACH OTHER... Jimin has Jungkook yes but Jungkook has Jimin too.

[stars-tonight]

hello, id like a long romantic matchup if thats alright! 🌻

im a trans person (he/him) with a strong preference for men. my ideal partner is someone emotionally intelligent and understanding. im quite self aware and introspective, so having someone on the same level of maturity as me is important. someone who can communicate and firmly establish boundaries would be nice. i also prefer people taller than me (im 5’3) and have a weak spot for nerds / tech savvy people / glasses...

i have dark brown eyes and darker hair, and light olive skin covered in darker scars. i have a bad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania), so most of them are on my face or arms. it’s not uncommon to see me with bandages on. i also have horrible nearsightedness, so i wear glasses.

i’d like to think i’m a pretty cut and dry person; what you see is what you get. i tend to be very open (sometimes uncomfortably so) and try to foster an environment where people can be open with me in turn. communication is very important to me. i value honesty and transparency a lot, and often feel betrayed when i find out something has been hidden from me. despite this, i trust quite easily, a bit naive in giving people the benefit of the doubt. i often find myself analyzing others' actions and motives. monotone people can make me feel nervous as i can’t get as good of a read on them.

one of my biggest passions is creating. i’ve been drawing and writing since a very young age, and i take great pride in my work. it’s something i’m actually confident in, because i know what i’m talking about when it comes to art. i generally find my inspiration in people, usually drawing or drawing for those i care about. i’m very much a gift giver in a relationship, even if i don’t have much money to spare, so i make things instead. art, poems, songwriting. if it’s creative, i’ll do it.

romantically, i’m a huge tease, though i often can’t take what i dish out haha. i’m the type to relish in someone’s flusteredness, only to find myself stumbling over my words when they reciprocate. i’m clingy, cringy, and very unapologetic about it. space is important to me (as i can be suffocating at times and need to regulate myself), but i love spending time with those close to me. quality time is HUGE for me, as being with loved ones can be like recharging. i’m also big on words of affirmation, as reassurance is something i crave from others, and i’m very verbally affectionate.

while i usually say my ideal date is anything where i get to spend time with the person, i actually have a soft spot for amusement parks / fairs. i love going on roller coasters and other thrilling rides, and am a sucker for cute merchandise. ideally we’d spend most of the day there, get to see the place lit up at night, and go home to cuddle and watch a movie to wind down. i also think itd be really sweet having someone win a prize or buy something for me, just because it reminded them of me. id do the same too of course!

i’ve also struggled with my mental health since i was very young (untreated audhd, and later bpd) but have managed to push through. i still have my off days, and off my meds everything feels a lot more extreme and black and white. my emotions are sensitive at best, and unstable at worst. i love hard and mourn harder.

headcanons

🥛 akaashi fits your ideal partner list very well!

🥛 he's emotionally intelligent and super mature, and he'd be very good at communicating and making sure both of your needs and wishes are met

🥛 he's also taller than you, i believe he's actually pushing six foot which is crazy bc he feels like a 5'8 dude

🥛 he has glasses and he's a bit of a nerd 😫

🥛 i don't think akaashi would hide anything from his partner; he'd be very emotionally intelligent and mature and he knows that communication is key to relationships

🥛 he would highly value honesty and open communication, and he's glad that you're not fake or pretending to be someone you're not

🥛 akaashi also tends to read and analyze things like actions and facial expressions. he tends to overthink in this department as well, but he's working on it haha

🥛 but yeah you guys are similar in that way

🥛 akaashi is very artistic and i headcanon that he likes drawing too! so he'd love to spend a quiet evening in just doing your own projects side by side

🥛 please draw him he's ethereal and it will literally make him cry

🥛 he's not big on materialistic gifts but he would be so touched if you gave him something personal like a poem or wrote a song for him! that's actually so sweet and he'd melt

🥛 akaashi's more of a romantic than a flirt. he'd get flustered sometimes if you tease him, but then sometimes out of nowhere he'll come back with the best line ever and he'll laugh at how red your face gets

🥛 he would love spending time with you but he's also an introvert and likes having his own time to recharge

🥛 so like i said earlier, he'd love spending time next to you while you're both doing your own things; he finds it so peaceful and healing

🥛 he's great at verbal encouragement and support, words of affirmation is definitely a giving love language of his

🥛 he'd be very in tune with your emotions and would take the best care of you

A/N: hi 🌻anon! i'm so sorry about the long wait but i hope you liked your matchup 🫶

[scarfacemarston]

John meets Dutch’s hero Evelyn Miller

Note: They couldn’t have had John draw a picture at all? You can really tell they ran out of time. It’s an emotional roller coaster with John being nostalgic, to rather harsh with Evelyn’s situation, to extremely sympathetic.  It’s an interesting insight to his personality.  TW: Mental health struggles with severe depression and eating related issues. 

Transcript: Met Evelyn Miller. The Evelyn Miller. The writer I grew up with, Dutch’s favorite even though I never really understood a word of what he said. In the flesh, both humbler and more pathetic than in Dutch’s imagination. Big of a sad man, looking for something...(I can’t find the rest. I’m sorry : (  )

Transcript: Saw Mr. Miller again. Still living out in a cabin in the middle of the woods, lost and trying to write and seemingly losing his mind. Seemed hungry. Should take him some food. I’m worried for him.

Transcript: Dear Mr. Miller died. I hope his book, which I got the manuscript for, was worth all the sacrifice. I burned the hut he was in as that seemed to be what he wanted - Strange man. All that learning did not seem to make him happy, nor quite as wise as he thought he was. 

[meltotheany]

Goodreads | Amazon US | B&N | Blackwell’s | Bookshop “I love the world I hate simply because you live in it.” this is truly the weirdest book i’ve ever read. i kind of thought i was going to like it, just from the title and premise alone, but i was a little apprehensive because so many of my goodreads friends did not vibe with this one. but from chapter one, and reading some of the most impressive writing ive ever read, let alone from a debut, i knew this was really going to work for me. i am a bit hesitant to recommend it, because i just know it is going to be too weird and too satirical, and the writing too purple prose and too stream of consciousness for a lot of readers. but if you’re looking for something very different, something that’s really going to pull you out of your own comfortability, something unlike anything else you’ve read before, i would recommend that book wholeheartedly. the very basic, surface level, premise of this story is that we follow a fanfiction writer (who goes by y/n of course) who become more and more obsessed with a kpop idol. there is a constant emphasis on the idol industry and how harsh it is – from eating disorders, to being overworked, to pushing your body beyond its limits, to also being stalked by people who call themselves fans. these are a constant throughline of obsessive fandom culture and how that enables capitalism even more, and how sometimes parasocial relationships can feel very manipulative and cult-like. and i feel like this is where the disconnect comes from (besides that insanity that is this book) because either people aren’t familiar with the kpop industry or they feel attacked because they do understand the kpop industry and they feel uncomfortable with their place in it. (and i say this as someone who has a youtube channel dedicated to park jimin and collecting his photocards lol) “But his first-place ranking made the disturbing suggestion that my imagination, one of the few remaining places where I felt truly free, was actually the site of my dreariest conformity. I knew my feelings for Moon were neither unique nor all that extreme, and I even viewed mass popularity as his rightful due. But writing stories about him was supposed to have represented a higher level of devotion, an elitist kink in the plain template of fandom.” but, to me, this is a book about depression – and it truly is one of the most powerful depictions of it that i have ever read. following y/n and seeing the way she justifies everything, and feeling so much disgust one page and then so much empathy the very next page, it is truly a roller coaster through a fever dream feeling reading this entire book. this is a story about consuming, yet wanting so badly to be consumed. Feeling so lonely, and hyperfocusing on the one light in your dark world so you can feel like you are somewhat living. this is a depiction of mental health for south koreans (and so many asian communities) where help can be nowhere to be found, both professionally and from your family. (and additionally, lack of resources, lack of empathy, and just lack of help everywhere to help people who need help be able to have access to help – from our young to our elderly!) and how industries, marketing, and capitalism will prey on individuals trying to live their lives escaping. and this is a story about giving yourself wholly to something so it’s all not for nothing. “For the first time, I doubted the singularity of my love and thereby its truth. I glimpsed a future where I felt nothing for Moon, as one did, with both relief and melancholy, on the cusp of a breakup. I nearly fainted from disorientation. My love, which I’d considered, not without pride, a destabilizing force, was turning out to be exactly that which stabilized me.” i also feel like this book is about identity and being a diaspora adult, going back to your home country, and experiencing a lot of feelings that you don’t really know what to do with. loving something that makes you feel more connected to your identity, but then...

[nightshadeshimin]

i think cybird did a poor job with the vincent van gogh character... vincent was an emotional guy, in fact, he was too emotional, he had anger issues, he had mental health problems, he cut his own ear during a fight. vincent was a guy whose paintings was never appreciated, was never approved, he did not even sell one painting in his whole life. he was mentally unstable because everyone traited him as someone crazy. even cezanne, who is a great artist, said "honestly i didn't like it very much, it looks like it is made by a mad person." about his painting of a pair of boots. however, even if he was never approved by society as a painter, even if he got no money and lived a very poor life, he never stopped painting because that was how he showed his EMOTIONS. vincent was desperate for someone to understand his art, for someone to understand him, and he lived a very lonely and sad life. there are theories that he committed suicide because he no longer wanted to weigh his brother theo down financially (you know how expensive art materials are, and theo was starting to have a hard time, he also couldn't sell vincent's paintings), but he also couldn't stop painting. that was most likely why he committed suicide.

but cybird just canceled all that and created an angel who is bad at expressing emotions? this is literally the opposite of the real van gogh. vincent is my favourite in ikevamp, i just love him so much, but imagine how interesting his character would be if he was portraited more accurately? i agree that most suitors are very changed, but vincent is just... not vincent at all. they erased "the starry night" and just go with the sunflowers series the whole route. starry night is the most famous painting of van gogh, and for it to be erased, for him cutting his ear to be erased (when there are self portraits which he has a missing ear) is just too extreme. if he was a character who had trouble controlling himself, full of emotions, his route is an emotional roller coaster, i would just like it so much. this way, it's not bad but it could have been SOO good.

pls don't misunderstand me, this post is not meant to attack cybird or talk badly about them. simply saying my honest thoughts.

[nony-bear]

A Little Note:

TW: Mental Health 

Hi so I wasn’t going to make a post about this but them I got a rude anon about it so I just want to touch on it real quick. 

And then while I was writing this I got another ask I also need to kind of address so just going to do that here too.

All this will make more sense if you read the following but I’m so drained and some of this may not make sense. I’m sorry I’m advance for any confusion I did my best with what I’ve got right now lol.

I am not going to really beat around the bush here so please excuse me if this comes out a little strange. The past few days have really been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. I’m not going to go into detail but some really crappy stuff happened in my personal life regarding a really important opportunity for me to hold a very important position. I unfortunately did not get the position. After being turned down a lot of things were brought to my attention and basically I was sent up to fail by others also running for the position. Because of this coming to light I am now having to go through a very time consuming and emotionally draining process of reports and files and meetings and briefings and a bunch of that kind of stuff. I have been since nominated for another position that I now only have a week to prepare for while I had over 4 weeks for the last one. On top of this little whirlwind of events I have my finals for my university classes in under 3 weeks. I have a ton of final projects, assignments, essays, and tests that I have to work on and complete. 

Therefore I have not been active on Tumblr because Tumblr is not my top priority right now. And I know it has been quite some time that I have written anything substantial. But honestly school has absolutely consumed my life for weeks if not months now and the progression of that along with everything going on right now has really taken a toll on my mental health. 

That all being said it is extremely unhelpful to get asks about how “disappointed” my followers may be in my lack of new content or activeness on Tumblr. I miss writing more than I think you guys even realize but I literally just do not have the time and even if I did I know I wouldn’t have the energy. I am sorry if I have in any way let any of you down by the current state of my blog but there is nothing I can do right now to change it. All I can say is hopefully things will get easier soon and I will have the ability to produce more content and be a more active blog in general. 

While I say writing all this out I also got an ask that was not so kindly worded that I just want to address real quick because I’ve got asks about it before as well. My steve anon ( @honeybearscap ) is not required to post or reblog or answer anything. I don’t expect him too and if I did that wouldn’t be healthy. He is a real person behind the account. Please do not send me asks questioning why he hasn’t posted anything is however long or why he didn’t reblog something I tagged him in. I know some of you probably were just genuinely curious and that’s fine but some of you have been just rude. Steve and I primarily communicate through direct message sometimes it’s just easier for him to say something to me there than reblogging it or making a post or whatever. But even then him and/or I don’t really need to explain ourselves to anyone. If you don’t like it don’t follow us. But if you do follow us (one or both) please do not like attack us for not responding to every little thing the other does. I love being connected with you guys and have you guys know about and ask positive things about me and Steve but at the end of the day we don’t owe anyone anything. Especially not Steve who has done so much for me and is truly one of the few reasons I’m still on this app at all some days.

[utterlyinevitable]

Do We Have A Future?: January

Part 1 | Part 2: November

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 1.9k Warning: Adult themes, mental health triggers, themes of depression, pregnancy complications and termination Summary: Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

Author’s Note: Sensitive subject matter means I really suggest only reading if you are 18+ years old.

Taglist: @ohchoices​ @dulceghernandez​ @aylamwrites​​ @binny1985​ @ramseysno1rookie​

________________________________________

Becca stood alone in the middle of Ethan’s dimly lit bedroom one morning after a scalding hot shower while flecks of snow flurried outside. She stood in front of the double wide full length mirror taking in her full form - the unchanged curvature of her hips and abdomen. 

“I’d be in my second trimester…” she whispered to herself as she ran a hand delicately from her breast and lingering down to the blank space of skin below her navel. 

It would have been born in June. 

It was 6:30 in the morning and they needed to be at work in thirty minutes. When Ethan didn’t hear the familiar scuttering of his girlfriend hastily getting ready after choosing another twenty minutes of sleep he grew worried that something may have happened. 

He gingerly opened the door to see his love transfixed in front of the mirror. He crossed the distance quietly in four long strides. Snaking his arms around her he whispered into her ear, “Are you okay?”

There Ethan stood in his standard work attire holding Becca’s cold naked body close to him, his left hand securely wrapped around her midsection and his right hand placed on top of hers at her stomach. His clean shaven chin rested on her shoulder and his bright blue eyes searched her features for the explanation he knew was never coming. 

“Yeah,” she breathed as she snapped back into reality. Ethan could feel the goosebumps beginning to prick her skin and eyes started to glaze over as she pulled away from him. “Give me a minute. I’ll be ready in five.” 

Becca still cried at the thought of what's been lost. She still couldn’t walk past the neonatal wing of the hospital, or any babies for that matter. Even infants on social media or television bring tears to her eyes. Some days the extreme emptiness hits harder than others. 

Ethan still refused to talk about it. He wanted nothing more than to know how exactly he could help her without having to guess each and every day. But that would be breaking their solemn vow. He couldn’t break his promise after she explicitly asked him not to all those weeks ago at her appointment. Ethan couldn’t let her down; not now, not ever again. 

Unbeknownst to him, Rebecca wanted nothing more than to confront the fact head on, she’s done her self deprecating wallowing and was ready to divulge. She wanted to know what’s going on inside his head. But after the last time she tried to bring it up she feared that if she continued it would be to the detriment of their relationship. 

They were sitting on Ethan’s couch watching a Blue Planet documentary. Ethan comfortably laid back with his feet perched on an ottoman and Becca’s legs draped over his lap. She had the purple fleece blanket she brought from her apartment snuggled around her torso. Neither were too intrigued by this segment on flying fish, so Becca picked at the chipping paint on her fingernails and Ethan closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of how this woman beside him could make him feel so at home.  

Out of nowhere the demons eating at Becca’s core shakily asked, “What would we have done if we kept it?” 

Truth be told Becca had been thinking this since the moment she swallowed the first pill. What would their life be like here and now? 

“Stop, Rookie,” he sternly admonished. Ethan knew she was treading down a slippery slope. She had finally started going through a routine like normal and he believed entertaining this notion would have her regress back into the shell of the woman he once knew. “No point in dwelling on the past.”    

Becca pursed her lips and gave him an unsatisfied nod. She could push the subject but she wasn’t strong enough for that. She used every little bit of courage she had to let the thoughts slip off her tongue without the twin tears rolling down her cheeks. The topic seemed like taboo. 

Why can’t we talk about this? she thought.

***

Becca had been back at Edenbrook for six weeks. She enthusiastically threw herself into her work hoping it would help fill the void and bring her joy. However it did nothing to soothe her like the way it once had. Rebecca was barren; the things she loved didn’t carry enough weight anymore. Her moods had also frequently gone on a roller-coaster ride, more times than she or Ethan would care to admit. She lived in the realm of fury, rage, disinterest and disdain. But at least she was talking and willing to leave the apartment. 

Thankfully, Ethan thinks to himself every day she gets up and goes through the motions of her past self. 

She still didn’t spend much time at her place. The awkwardness and permanent ball lodged in her throat at keeping this secret from her dearest friends had put distance between them. Becca didn’t actively want to put a strain on her friendships; she just couldn’t bear the thought of them pitying her. It was easier for them to think she’d let her new job title and relationship become her most sacred of priorities. 

When Ethan noticed her dejected and hopeless look day after day he thought now was a better time than any to help move her mind on to something else.

“I was thinking…” he trailed off as they sat at his kitchen island having her favorite spaghetti bolognese dish he ordered for them from Don Luigi’s. Looking down and twirling the noodles around his fork he said softly, “Maybe you’d like to move in?”  

“What?” Becca’s eyes went wide as she nearly choked on the two bits of pasta in her mouth.   

“You’re here all the time anyway,” he rationalized with a shrug of his shoulders. Ethan dropped the fork and swiftly swung around on his stool to face her. There was a gleam in his eyes that involuntarily made the corners of Becca’s mouth twitch. He reached out for her hands, cradling them between his own. 

“How about we make it official?” Their eyes met and Becca took a bated breath. The corners of Ethan’s lips pulled into the biggest grin - a smile Becca knew was just for her. It had been months since she’d last seen him glow like that, all the wrinkles and cracks in his features coming to light just for her. “Make me the happiest man alive and turn this place into a home, Rookie.” 

Looking at the man before her she thought maybe, just maybe everything will be okay.

“Okay,” she nodded with a small smile, trying her best to give him the genuine declaration of adoration that a moment like this deserved. 

*** 

The move didn’t help. If anything it made her mental state worse. Rebecca was completely dissociated from her current life and there were two versions wandering around in her place. 

The first version; the doctor and third year resident who focused solely on her patients needs, continuously going above and beyond for them. No matter the turmoil raging inside of her. For the first time in a while she was back at the top of her game, she didn’t need Ethan to shadow her or reassign any of her potentially-emotionally damaging cases. In the halls of Edenbrook all that mattered to Becca were the lives of her patients and helping as many helpless individuals as she possibly could. 

Ethan knew she was deflecting but as her boss he was overly impressed with her performance as she tirelessly solved case after case in no time at all. He came to accept that the concern he had for her well-being was better felt behind closed doors, whether it be at home or with his father figure. Ethan did consistently speak about her with Naveen for both of their sakes. The two men discussed and debated on how they can support her without her knowing, while the older doctor simultaneously consoled and navigated his mentee’s guarded emotions whether Ethan liked it or not. 

The second version of Rebecca was simply Becca. A girl who’s new coping mechanism was throwing herself into packing up her life and slowly turning Ethan’s luxury and sterile bachelor pad into a home. As she packed alone in her room she let her mind project a new, better reality. One where she was still carrying. She’d pass the time singing and speaking to her flat belly of the great life awaiting the three of them. The undeniable love still coursing through her veins. 

‘What are we doing today?’ she said softly with a smile as she taped together a cardboard box on her bed. ‘We’re packing up my apartment and we’re moving into daddy’s place!’ Saying those words made her heart swell, feel fuller than it’s ever been. 

Rebecca wasn’t alone. Although science and any rationale would say otherwise, she still felt that the baby, her baby was still with them. 

Moving about her room she categorized the objects of her life out on the floor into piles of winter clothes, summer clothes, general clothes, books, household objects, and miscellaneous. As each pile started to grow and moving around became difficult she exclaimed, 

‘I have so much stuff! Where are we gonna put it all?’ She chuckled to herself as she haphazardly threw one of the piles of clothes into an empty suitcase.  

Patting her abdomen she happily added, ‘Dad’s gonna have a fit; we’re gonna take over the whole place.’ 

This quite well may be the only time she’d get to say those words out loud with Ethan. This could have possibly been the only time she’d be pregnant. Ethan was being more than careful now that she was not on any form of contraception. Her doctor noted that the typical thing to do after a termination would have been to start on the pill but Becca refused, wanting time for her body to readjust before adding more hormones in the mix. Not like we’re gonna be intimate any time soon... she thought bitterly in her OB/GYNs office back then. 

In her mind Becca was now moving and creating a nest egg at Ethan’s for their little miracle. She allowed herself to indulge in this fantasy keeping her together - keeping her happy. She had made the mistake of getting attached in those first and last two weeks of knowing and now couldn’t shake the thought. As much as she’d wanted it gone, she grew fond of the little ball of cells and all the possibilities it held. Now she felt unfulfilled; something was missing from her life, from her body and she couldn’t understand why. Why something she didn’t want and didn’t have could hurt so much. 

As a woman of medicine, Rebecca is a woman of proven science. She never did believe in a higher power. 

But there’s so much unknown in this world. Maybe, just maybe... 

If there was even the slightest chance the soul - her baby’s soul was wandering aimlessly around in the unknown, she needed to do something about it. After much internal deliberation and listening to her heart she decided it was a girl and gave her a name, Avaline Dolores Ramsey. She thought of her dark brown hair on the top of her tiny head, Ethan’s eyes shining bright with possibility, their skin colors mixed together to give an olive complexion. 

A little bundle of joy staring back at her in her mind's eye every second of every day.

__________

A/N: writing this is the most cathartic thing ever. thank you for reading. we’ve got 2 more parts to go!

[swearingintengwar]

Alright, taking a dive into this whole Space Australia business...

(warning: this gets kinda dark! Specific content warnings in the tags)

Humans are tough.

They’re persistence predators, walking for days on end to tire out their prey. When their society developed to the point where hunting was less common, their impressive stamina turned to more frivolous ends. Capsaicin - yes, the neurotoxin - is a basic cooking spice for them. They’ll willingly endure extreme temperatures with only rudimentary protective gear, just because they like to play in snow. And that’s without even getting into skydiving and roller coasters and horror movies.

Their reputation as damn near unkillable was pretty much inevitable.

Then, stories started to go around.

Humans, now common on starship crews, secluding themselves. Emitting cries of pain despite being completely unharmed. Seeking companionship from inanimate objects and dangerous beasts.

Sometimes they are mysteriously wounded, and refuse to explain why.

The rest of the Kith, as the collective sapients of the galaxy have begun to call themselves, are baffled. What could be overwhelming humans, who rise like phoenixes from any hardship? They notice that many afflicted humans are shy about what’s troubling them, though, and conclude it would be rude to ask human advice on the subject.

It’s not until a ketian finds their human captain dead in her cabin, a note on her bedside table and a laser burn clean through her brow, that the Kith realize how badly they were wrong.

The note on Captain Alexis’s table speaks of how unhappy she was on the ship, of her stress and loneliness. She’s to be given a hero’s funeral, written down in history as a martyr whose sacrifice taught the Kith their mistakes, until her sister hears of the arrangements. “No,” she says. “There’s nothing heroic about this. My sister was a victim, not a martyr. Give her back to her family, let us say our goodbyes. Remember her with honor, but remember her as she was.” And she begins the strange keening pain-cry of humans, her eyes sparkling with tears in that way the Kith find strange and oddly beautiful - few other species shed tears - but know better than to comment on. “My sister wouldn’t have wanted a place in history, especially not one earned by your callousness.” She makes the strange gesture of aggression that humans sometimes make, a bit like their gesture of indication but with a different finger extended. The crew have seen it used in all manner of situations, from playful banter to outright rage.

This is outright rage.

As Alexis’s sister collects her body, the crew gathers to talk. The events of the death are incomprehensible to them. Al’ara, the ketian pilot who’d found the body, carefully examines the cabin. No signs anyone else was there. No signs of struggle.

Shyly, for fear of being rude, the crew decides to ask a human about the mysterious night, and it’s then that they realize just how deeply their mistakes ran.

Humans’ bodies are tough, sure, but their minds are fragile as frost.

At first, the crew is baffled. What species could possibly have the capacity for self-annihilation? Why had it not evolved out millenia ago?

The human keens. Their eyes sparkle. Senseless as it may seem, this is all too real.

Suddenly, her strange actions make so much more sense. The times she’d refused to work despite being in perfect health. Her exhaustion and listlessness that didn’t have any physical cause. The times the crew had heard keening from her cabin. Even the strangely tidy blade scars that sometimes peeked out from her sleeves.

Fragile as frost, indeed.

The crew are at a loss. They caused this, they had been too worried about offending their captain to take basic care of her. Al’ara plucks feathers from their wings, the ones Alexis had often compared to the blue jays from her homeworld, and spends hours in meditation, sitting with their guilt and grief, learning to exist again. The quiet chanskir medic whose name no one could quite pronounce paints his scales silver-blue in mourning, singing low warbling dirges. Natreyen, with all the concern for his honor characteristic of mikali raised in traditional societies, turns himself in as a murderer.

It’s Alexis’s sister, of all people, who intervenes. “No,” she says, “you aren’t a murderer. You didn’t know any better. You did the best you could.”

“Lydia?” he asks. “You were so angry before. Why are you defending me now?”

“Because there is a difference between acknowledging your mistakes and turning them into deliberate crime. And because I was blinded with my pain that day. My heart hurt from losing my sister.”

“Then if I can’t give myself up to the law, how am I to make up for the stain on my honor? Deliberately or not, I caused a life to be wasted.”

Lydia kneels to match his height. One of her hands cups his ridged cheek, a gesture he recognizes as one of affection. “Learn, Natreyen,” she says. “Learn how to do better next time.”

Natreyen is so stunned he can only bow deeply. Lydia has spared his life, given him the second chance so few mikali would ever consider. 

Luckily, she knows how to make this official, make his people recognize his redemption instead of calling him a fugitive. She raises her hands above his head. “Natreyen, you have wasted a life, and debt must be paid,” she intones, in fluent Mikai, then places her hands on his back, lacing her fingers into the gaps in his carapace and scratching his soft skin. Gently, just enough to cause a slight prickle of pain. A token vengeance. “As the wronged, I declare before the Justicars of Honor that I am satisfied by this avenging. Go forth and improve yourself.”

Her hands unlace from his carapace, and the rite is complete. In the eyes of his kin, Natreyen’s soul is no longer burdened by killing.

He resolves to go forth and learn, as Lydia instructed him.

He begins by investigating what Lydia had meant by her heart hurting, by being blinded by pain. They’re uniquely human concepts; no other Kith species has phrases that quite match those. And so, dread settling in the pit of his abdomen, he decides to ask Lydia.

His fears are quickly relieved when she isn’t offended by the questions, and the answers turn out to be a bit more literal than he was expecting. Uniquely among the known Kith, humans can feel emotional responses as physical sensations, rather than having separate nerve reactions for mental and physical stimuli. When Alexis died, Lydia experienced her grief as physical pain, and that led her to lash out in anger instead of calming herself. This part, Natreyen understands. It’s difficult to think when you’re in pain.

The crew’s first attempts at making their ship human-friendly go poorly. Making sure humans couldn’t be around weapons unsupervised gets dismissed by Lydia as treating the symptoms instead of the problem. Painkillers, to keep humans levelheaded when distressed, would only cause more problems in the long run. 

Finally, Natreyen realizes what he’s been doing wrong. The task isn’t to human-proof what’s already there, but to add things that were lacking. Human crew members would need shorter work hours and more mental stimulation. More variety in food would also help. Companionship would be a must, and Lydia recommends a few types of animal that many humans are good at caring for. Communication with social groupmates would be invaluable. A specialist in human psychology wouldn’t go amiss, either.

Sure, running a human-friendly ship would be more work, but most humans were happier in groups. A larger crew would be just another way of making the ship more hospitable to these strangely tough yet fragile Kith.

Several flights, five humans, two cats, and more shenanigans than Natreyen cared to remember later, everything seems to be going well.

Then he feels a sharp pain in his fetlock.

He looks down and sees that someone has attached a knife to one of the cleaning robots. Without a second thought, he removes the knife and pages the rest of the crew to ask how it had ended up there.

The humans are devastated to hear of the knife’s removal, claiming that Natreyen had “killed Stabby”. Apparently the idea of taping a knife to a cleaning robot had been a running joke on their planet since before they’d ever met the rest of the Kith, and in Stabby’s half hour of existence the humans had grown attached to him.

Natreyen remembers Lydia’s voice in the Chamber of Justice. I am satisfied by this avenging. Her nails on his back, pricks of pain without any true harm.

He gets an idea.

“Al’ara,” he asks, “would you fetch a butter knife from the mess hall?”

She flies off to get one, and he taps on a remote to recall the robot that had been turned into Stabby. It trundles up to his feet, waiting.

Al’ara returns with the knife, and Natreyen tapes it to the robot, exactly where its old knife had been. “Will this do?” he asks the humans.

Their cheers are enough of an answer. He taps the remote again, commanding the newly resurrected Stabby to return to cleaning. Everyone is satisfied, and he dismisses the meeting.

Little does he know, Stabby will one day be the general of the entire Kith fleet, at least as far as humans are concerned. Something about it gaining the rank of anyone it hit...

[wolftrapped]

                    THE PODCAST — DRINKING BUDDIES.

Drinking Buddies é um projeto independente que busca compreender artistas de maneira intimista sem recorrer ao escândalo e à invasão desrespeitosa, propondo-se à outorgar um espaço para justificativas, diálogos sinceros e correntes. Usualmente regada por bons vinhos — embora existam outras opções para convidados abstêmios — a entrevista consiste em um ritmo de conversa entre velhos conhecidos, sem tempo previamente definido ou obrigatoriedade de resposta. Detalhes de vida pessoal e a tão pública carreira se sobrepõem, criando uma nova perspectiva de indivíduos sob a constante pressão dos holofotes, humanizando-os.

TRANSCRIPT OF THE HIGHLIGHTS: Entrevistada da semana Abbadon de Rosas, inte e três anos, cantora e atriz. (@mosquinhainthewall)

So, not to be that kind of guy, but I feel like to know you personally, we should brush over your personal life. And that includes past relationships.Despite having dated a couple celebrities, I think your most recent and most high-profile partner was that one guy. So... you have dated the butcher. Girl, what the hell was it like?

A: It was like a roller-coaster ride, you get in very excited and you get scared halfway through, you scream a lot, you get your heart racing and you leave that shit shaking and wanting to puke for your own bad decisions and still wanting to do It again. It's fucking nuts, because he's a really charming person and he can really make you fall in love like right off the bat, but the guy is also an asshole who has a lot of issues and there is a point that people just can't take It anymore, the whole sex, drugs and rock n' roll It's too real to be good and It's fucking awful to see. He's good in bed, tho, I have to give him that. When he's not passing out drunk, he's a great boyfriend.

That was... wow. I think this has been the first time you have been so open about this, so I'm kinda honored. I think the glamorization of all those issues associated with success and music in the rock scene is very unnecessary. You can have hits and put out great work without falling into the cliché of the supposed demons that come with it all. I might be on the wrong here, but I don't think you necessarily have to sign a deal with the devil to make it. I can only imagine things got heated in a bad way, because such problems must have taken it's toll on you. And yet, you were together for a surprisingly long time. Not at once, of course, but you had that on and off again relationship. I assume it can be exhausting, emotionally speaking, at least. How did you cope? And why did you stay in on it so long? I mean, it sounds kinda toxic. And as you highlighted it, I assume the drinking was a major problem... how did you deal with it?

A: It's because everything already went to hell, so fuck It. He's going to be pissed off at me anyway, so might as well just say it for once. I'm not going to bash on him for that, there's a lot of fucked up shit going on and that has happened before that makes the whole thing make sense, but like there are other things that just make everyone around him be in a constant state of alert and It's tiring. Yeah, I'm not the easiest person to deal either, but like, even I got limits. Well, that's the thing, like when you love someone as much as I love him you don't want to admit that you can't help and that the whole thing is becoming something that's eating you alive, you don't want to say ‘enough’ because that means giving up, that means putting your feelings above someone else’s needs, but sometimes we have to. It wasn’t toxic and I know It sounds like something someone in a toxic relationship would say, but the thing about Dragan is that everyone thinks that he is the "butcher" for things that he's done to others when in reality the only person he's hurting is himself, he just doesn't see nor understand how that can affect people around him. It's fucked up? Totally, I won't deny it that it got to the point where my parents stepped in and where like 'maybe you should spend some time in Argentina and just step back' but it wasn’t like a toxic or abusive thing where I didn't knew what I was doing. I don't think I dealt with that, because, like, there's no stopping someone with a drinking problem, they won't just put the bottle down and listen, you just have to be there and try to make them see and, well, take care of them after.

So, tiring, you say? Why is it tiring? What is tiring? What happened, if I might inquire. Well, if we really analyze it, no one is actually easy to deal with. We are complex beings with even more complex emotions, so I guess the best we do is just try and navigate feelings and situations in the less crappy way possible. But sometimes, we are driven to the extreme and that makes it very hard to take control of certain situations. I guess what I'm trying to say is that mental health sometimes requires a little bit of what might seem like selfishness, but it's actually not. I mean, you can be empathetic and sympathetic, compassionate even, but people shouldn't expect you to put your needs aside all the time just to think about others. In order to actually be helpful, you must be in a good place about your own feelings, so it doesn't become a vicious cycle of resentment and problematic situations, you know? So I get what you're saying. Besides, if we really weigh things... you're pretty young. Not a kid, of course, but rather young when compared to him. You shouldn't put your health and your youth aside to try and nurse a dysfunctional adult back to good shape while wasting yourself in the process. Love is as much about letting go as it is about being there for someone else. So if you say it wasn't toxic, I believe you. As an outsider, I might not have the full picture, so I can't step in and say you're wrong about how you see the things you went through. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been, to watch someone dear slowly waste away, you know? I guess with alcohol and any other addictions, really, it’s kinda complicated to make the person see how damaging that habit is. I guess they don't see themselves in bad shape. I think at this point, it's only fair to assume you saw the worst of it, as you said you took care of him during his drunken haze. How was it for you? Where did you get the strength to do it?

A: The whole thing, I guess. Because you're constantly thinking if that person is going to do stupid shit because he's high or If he's high because he's about to go into a depressive episode, and the later it’s not really his fault, you can't really blame someone for, like, trying to cope and just kill what's killing them, but for someone who's around and who's emotionally involved in that process, not knowing can be tiring. I don't think really the age It's a factor, I've been in Hollywood for so long that I can tell you that having a relationship with someone I loved, fucked up or not, was the least of the things I did that can be put out as wasting myself. I'm really afraid that I haven’t seen the worst, because If that's true then it's really even more of a risk and it just breaks my heart. I have no Idea, never thought about It. And I'm being totally honest right now when I say I really didn't gave that much of a though on that when It was happening, because It's easier that way.

Yeah, I hear you. You did start on this business at a very young age, and had your share of trouble, with your image and your habits and all that pressure over your shoulders. You coming out on top of that situation and standing in a brighter and more hopeful place is kind of an statement that you can get out of harms way. But having been there, at rock bottom might have given you a different perspective in that whole situation. Tell me... did your experiences made ir more difficult to be involved in it? I mean, I can only imagine you must have felt dragged back into something you were just getting out of. Also, I would like to reinforce that any questions that make you feel uncomfortable, just give me a heads up and we'll move on. This a conversation and in no way I would like to seem intrusive. And on a brighter note... let's be a little intrusive, as well, because I'm simply human and I am curious in an almost voyeuristic way... how were the good times like?

A: Very young. I was a baby And it's not just that, when you're in Hollywood everyone that is around ends up affecting how people see you, like, I was 17 going into rehab for a sex addiction that I didn't have because people around me had a problem and everyone thought that I had a problem too, then. I would like to say that it made it easier, but I think that It definitely was difficult, it brings a certain anxiety every time shit goes down. But I didn't felt dragged, that's actually really a point, people often think that he was, like, a bad influence, like, making me do drugs or other stuff, when he wasn’t, he was very against people taking drugs and getting pissed drunk. A little hypocrite? Of course. Don't worry, I'm fine for now, I think It's the wine. And... it was great. As I said, roller-coaster, when you're on the top It's just the best feeling ever and he was a really sweet person.

I wouldn't say hypocrisy, I kinda get it. I mean, real friends wouldn't offer you drugs, and as a drug addict, it makes sense that he knows how dependent you get on those things and not wanting people he cares about to end up in the same situation. I have a friend who struggled once with addiction and he used to say that very same thing: people who care about you will never want you to go down on the same path as them, because they know how hard addiction gets and no matter how good the rush, it’s just not worth bringing loved ones down. I mean, junkies still harm people they care about, even though in a different way, but I guess in their thought process, it makes perfect sense to make that kind of damage control. Oh, it's good wine, I'm getting kinda tipsy as well. So, that's difficult for me: seeing him as a sweet person. With all the troubles you went through, I have no problems actually imagining you as very nice. And to be honest, I'm delighted to see that you actually are. When it comes to Dragan, however, it's nearly impossible for me to look at him an think 'oh, there goes a nice dude'. I guess it must have something to do with how he is usually pictured in the media but, to be honest, he kinda paints those images himself, with all the reckless behavior, the aggression and the sexual scandals... and his infamous birthday party, of course. I can only assume that must have been another complication, since he is very evasive and closed off to the point of getting violent, whereas you're really open about most things. Did it cause some clash of opinions? How did you manage the public image issues?

A: I get It, I really do, but it's hard not get angry towards It when the person Is getting angry saying that he doesn’t have a problem and then be like 'Yeah, but you can't do this or that because then you will have a problem', It just makes you sigh and go like ’oh, please, just don't’. But he is. He is lovely when he's not having cameras shoved on his face. Well, thank you, It's good to know that I'm not being mean, people tend to say that I look mean. It's just... he tries really hard coming off as not caring and sometimes he can be an asshole, I mean it, the biggest asshole of all, but most of the time he is this great guy that even when you say shit will just help you anyway and try to be kind. And he has the best date ideas and getting away landscapes. A lot. But It is just another thing that we worked around, like I don't mind paparazzis, but he does, so I know that I'm not dragging him to, like, Four Seasons or whatever when I know It's going to cause him anxiety. And It's just common sense I guess.

Well, the people who say you're mean clearly haven't made the smallest effort to actually know you. And don't worry, if I come off as flirty, let me warn you that I am very much gay. So I'm totally not hitting on you now. I guess having a personality and standing up for yourself might come off as mean nowadays, buck fuck people who say that, honestly. I mean... still hard to believe, even with you saying he is nice and all that, I still have a hard time believing he would not try to get me killed for posting this interview, you know? You said it yourself: he'll most likely get angry, and publicly, that doesn't tend to end up well. Getting dark here again, so I'll try to mix things up. Still relationship wise, I have to ask: sex stuff. How was it? Don't judge me, you've seen the butcher and I speak for the people saying I would like to know how was that.

A: Oh, thank you! Well, don't worry, I'm used to coming off as flirty, I know how It's like. I have a friend If you're single, I'm trying to set him up with someone with actual decency. He's not, maybe he'll say something about It If asked and It might get a little heavy, but like It's only because as you said, he is very closed off...And It isn’t your fault, the most likely one to end up with the fault It's me, preach. Oh... I've seen the butcher, alright. You know when people tell you that someone is really good at bed and has a big dick and you don't believe them and then you find out it's actually better and bigger? That's how It was like.

Oh, if you're talking about your co-star, we know you two dislike each other and we'll talk about that in the next section of the interview. If not, thanks anyway, but I have been happily married for a couple years now. God, this is getting racy. I won't even ask anymore because we have to keep things at a bare minimum not safe for work. But well, I guess now the internet would be driven wild: theories that the butcher has a big dick have been confirmed first-hand by his ex-girlfriend. On that note... You've seen the butcher. Not the naked man, the song. Some people say it's about you. Some people speculate many of the songs he wrote are about you, which is an interesting thing to say, since the man can get really poetic. I mean, at least lyrically, he is very versatile, being able to write the most sexual things one minute and switch to the most deep and depressing words the other. I guess what I'm trying to say... can you confirm or deny you're the subject in that piece of music? Because said theory also sparked rumors that you two have been a thing longer than the public eye knows, with some even daring to say he started a physical relationship with you before you were a legal adult, which is controversial, to say the least. I really have no formed opinion on this, since those comments came after a few interpretations of the song, which can be a little absurd, with some claiming is about taking a girl's virginity (said girl would be you, in their version of the facts), some saying it's just about sex with no deeper meaning and some more radical individuals claiming is about a serial killer.

A: No, I'm not talking about Florian, and he doesn’t dislike me, he hates me. Oh, that's cute, my parents are happily married for so long that I'm sometimes ashamed that I don't have a long-lasting relationship. Well, I can assure you that things only get more NSFW, so It's better not to ask... I don't know about that, like, he never told me anything about writiing for me, so I can't really be that much of a helping hand on this matter, but the whole underage thing is not true. I will let recorded for further actions that I did not slept with Dragan while I was underage, you can rest now internet avengers. And I do think It's about sex with no deeper meaning, but I don't know, I didn't wrote it. How that fuck is that about a serial killer? That doesn’t even make sense! That song is clearly about sex. Like the other song that it's about oral sex, there's no deeper thing, that's it. It's about sex.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

[jojo-therapist]

THIS IS YOUR WARNING. THE CONTENT DISCUSSED BELOW THE CUT IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING AND RELATING TO THE MAN WHO ENDED HIS LIFE ON FACEBOOK LIVE.

To those who unfortunately saw the video, my page is a safe space. This page is meant for escapism and to provide comfort. If you see the video (the most common thumbnail is a man with a long beard holding a phone to his ear), I urge for you to please scroll past and/or report it if possible. Please do not interact.

There are resources available for you and of course, I am always an option.

You are wanted, you are needed, and people care for you.

I was lucky to not have seen the video, but I know some people who have. According to them, the man’s head explodes from the force of the gun shot.

You know this account. I do not shy away from mental illness and mental health.

The video is graphic, disturbing, and has made some people who are desensitized to gore uncomfortable. This video is real, this video is truly of a man who ended his life, and if you are one of the people who has shared it— I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you were led to believe this was something you were free to share, that it could be taken as a joke, and I hope you get help.

To those affected, I know it may cause you to wish for your death. I understand. You are loved, you are wanted, and you matter. Even when you’re at rock bottom, you can still climb up.

I myself have struggled with suicide. I drank bleach in third grade, I attempted to hang myself on my 13th birthday, I’ve contemplated getting in front of cars and buses and trains, I’ve even gone so far as to cut and hope that I bleed out. I’ve had friends who ended their lives, and I still beg for them to be brought back.

I’ve also talked people out of suicide. I’ve stayed up for days at a time to make sure that even in the loneliest nights, my friends had someone to talk to.

You are important, you matter. I won’t say that suicide is a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” because the truth is, mental illness is a permanent problem. Even if you get better, the scars (whether mental or physical, literal or figurative) will remain, and you can still relapse. Seeing a video like that may cause a relapse.

It’s true, maybe in the future you won’t be some amazing hero who saves the world. Maybe you won’t be something great, maybe your name won’t be written in history books. But why should that stop you from wanting to live? Live to see one more sunset, to smell one more rose, to ride one more roller coaster. Live to see the end of this pandemic. Live to see your friends get married, live to see yourself buy your own home. Live to hear the next big musical on Broadway.

The reason why I ended up not killing myself so many times was because I told myself that if I was gone, nobody would hug my stuffed animals at night. Your reason doesn’t have to be big, it doesn’t have to make sense, it just has to be a reason.

You are wanted, you are needed, and you are cared for.

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

Plea for My New Self

Sanders sides Vampire College AU - it’s gay - it’s full of fun fluffy tropes - a bit o’ hurt/comfort - mostly fluff

Words: 5,800  Warnings: Food, blood-drinking, extreme sass Characters: Virgil, Roman, Logan, Patton, Deceit Ships: Anxceit, Prinxiety, Analogical, Eventual LAMPD/CALMD Universe: Plea for my New Self Genre: Fluff, Gay nonsense

Chapter 27: Paper Wings

Chapter 1 for New Readers - ffn mirror

   Virgil waved to Deceit when he saw him down the hall, beaming delightedly. He was dressed up like a rich guy from the 20s again. He looked great in the black cane, hat, gloves, and a 3 piece suit. Did he wear this stuff to court or something? It was hot, but Deceit definitely looked out of place in college dorms, where if people were in a clean shirt it was considered dressing nice. Deceit raised an eyebrow at him and smirked, looking bemused.

   “Pat, can I put you down and greet my beloved?” Virgil asked. Patton nodded and Virgil bent his knees and lowered Patton down carefully. As soon as Patton was clear, he hurried down the hall and right into Deceit’s arms. Virgil wrapped his arms around him and hummed in delight.

   “Darling, you look tired,” Deceit cooed, kissing Virgil on the cheek.

   “I unintentionally got them sugared up,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “It’s so good to see you. Please consider staying the night. I miss you so much,” Virgil leaned his head against Deceit’s affectionately and held on to his waist.

   “Absolutely no funny business in the dorm,” Roman demanded, walking up to them and moving past to unlock their dorm room door with a little huff.

   “On one of those tiny lofts? Please, we’re not animals,” Deceit rolled his eyes and motioned towards the lofts with disgust. “It’s nice to see you to, Roman,” Deceit added derisively.

   “Charmed, I’m sure,” Roman said, just as sarcastically, and opened the door. He bowed, motioning for everyone to go in.

   “Is the prim and proper gentleman in the know yet?” Deceit asked, pointing to Logan and separating from Virgil’s arms to walk into the dorm.

   “We’re trying to put him in the know, but he’s stubborn,” Roman rolled his eyes. Everyone else filed into the Dorm after them.

   “Please do not talk about me like I am not here,” Logan huffed. Virgil sighed and let Deceit go, walking up to Logan and holding out his hands. Logan took them carefully. Roman closed up the dorm room door behind everybody.

   “I’m sorry. You’re here with us physically, but we’re trying to catch you up intellectually,” Virgil said gently. “Roman and Patton think you deserve to be in the loop as my boyfriend. You said you were interested in the possibility. Hi, I’m a vampire and I’m not just making things up,” Virgil explained carefully, speaking slowly and trying to maintain a neutral tone.

   “He still doesn’t believe you,” Deceit said flippantly, spinning his cane as he leaned against the loft frame.

   “There’s no such thing as vampires,” Logan repeated, sounding very annoyed.

   “You could probably bite him and he’d rationalize the change,” Roman rolled his eyes, crawling up into Virgil’s loft with Patton right behind him.

   “Isn’t that a delightful idea,” Deceit purred.

   “Roman,” Virgil huffed angrily. “Consent,”

   “Oh, that’s something you could do. What’s Logan’s blood type?” Roman suggested, probably recalling the whole debacle when they went clubbing.

   “That’s an oddly personal question,” Logan furrowed his eyebrows.

   “Do you mind if I tell you?” Virgil asked, holding up one of Logan’s hands.

   “Go ahead, I suppose,” Logan said. Virgil sniffed at Logan’s wrist carefully.

   “O-negative,” Virgil supplied. It smelled a little off, though.

   “Yes, I am a universal donor, but I have mild anemia and can’t give blood often. Statistically, you should have guessed O-positive. Why did you guess O-negative?” Logan furrowed his eyebrows at Virgil. Ah, anemia explains the strangeness of his blood’s smell.

   “I didn’t guess, I can smell it,” Virgil said, lowering Logan’s wrist.

   “He still doesn’t believe you,” Deceit chimed in, he had climbed up on to the loft and was laying across the edge of the bed and watching.

   “How exactly did we end up with a peanut gallery?” Virgil looked up to them with a grimace.

   “Don’t mind me, I’m just one of those people who can’t look away from a train wreck,” Deceit had a cheshire grin, holding his head upon his arm and swinging his cane lazily off the edge. Virgil narrowed his eyes at him. Deceit better not get any roofing tar on Virgil’s sheets. Deceit lifted an eyebrow but still looked amused nonetheless.

   “Your guess was surprisingly accurate, but I’m becoming worried about your mental health,” Logan said, sounding concerned.

   “Do the roller coaster thing!” Roman cheered from the loft.

   “It was a terrible idea when I did it for you and it’s a terrible idea now,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry for doing it in the first place,”

   “D, you do the roller coaster thing, then,” Roman prodded him, looking extremely hyped up about it.

   “What in the world are you talking about?” Deceit rolled his eyes and frowned, shooting a quizzical expression at Roman.

   “Turned can’t do it, Deceit only has enough capability to flit,” Virgil explained and Deceit huffed sourly. Honestly, it was still kind of a sore spot with them, so Virgil couldn’t blame him for the annoyed grimace, especially since Virgil was likely mirroring him.

   “Well, that’s bullshit,” Roman huffed and crossed his arms.

   “Roman!” Patton shot angrily, pushing him on the loft.

   “What, it is!” Roman blurted out defensively and motioned widely at Deceit.

   “I don’t like that language whether or not it is!” Patton pouted sourly, leaning back up against Roman with a pout.

   “I’m very glad you invited me, Patton,” Deceit smirked, not looking away from Virgil and Logan. “I wish I had some peanuts to throw, even,” Virgil let go of one of Logan’s hands and rubbed his face in exasperation.

   “What exactly counts as proof, then, Logan? I’m really trying here,” Virgil asked, trying to ignore the idiots on his loft.

   “Drinking blood, I suppose,” Logan said, seemingly baffled. Virgil squeezed Logan’s hand in an attempt to be affectionate.

   “Okay,” Virgil said resolutely and let go of Logan’s hand. He went over to his mini-fridge and pulled out a bag of blood. Virgil still locked it in case someone broke in, but the process was certainly tedious.

   “B-positive? Really Virgil, is that what you spent so much money on?” Deceit said derisively, bopping Virgil on the shoulder as he passed by the loft to drop it in the heater.

   “You try eating anything next to Roman some time,” Virgil rolled his eyes and motioned with his head to the still-fuming Roman on the loft.

   “Fine. Hand me a bag,” Deceit said, flipping his fingers and snapping impatiently with his free hand.

   “Is now really the time?” Virgil asked incredulously. Deceit jumped down from the bed and pulled a bag out of the fridge himself.

   “Oh, look, O-negative,” Deceit drawled the opposite of nonchalantly and leaned against his cane.

   “Nuh-uh, if you really want to see what it’s like grab A or O-positive,” Virgil said crossly, pointing at the fridge as he waited for the heater.

   “I don’t even drink those at home,” Deceit sauntered over to use the bag heater after Virgil extracted his.

   “Sassing me about it is okay, though?” Virgil raised his eyebrow and smacked him lightly on the shoulder as he passed.

   “Of course,” Deceit smiled airily and flipped his hand. After the telltale click, he sat in Roman’s chair, crossing his legs. It seemed like a safe distance still despite the extra blood in the room. Virgil sighed and sat on the floor next to Deceit and bit into the bag. Ugh, three people watching him feed was grating at best. Deceit pulled the curtain closed just enough to cover himself while he fed. Bitch. Deceit smirked down at him while he drank. Four isn’t any better. Virgil just tried to focus on finishing the bag while Deceit looked exceedingly entertained. Patton and Roman watched with interest, and Logan watched oddly with his arms crossed. Virgil looked up to Deceit again, but he just shook his head. Virgil finished the last sip, draining the bag. He waited for his vision to clear and huffed, shaking his head.

   “Seriously? I just drank blood in front of you,” Virgil threw up his arms in frustration. “Isn’t that proof?”

   “I assume those are bags of punch,” Logan said, motioning to the bag in Virgil’s hand. “Incredibly realistic bags, that is, but not blood,” Deceit cackled and pulled open the curtain. Virgil took Deceit’s empty bag and got up to toss them in his garbage can.

   “That we heated? Is that a thing?” Virgil looked to Roman in bewilderment. Roman just shrugged, snickering a bit. Virgil looked to Deceit. “At least tell me you get why I bought all those rares,” Virgil sighed with resignation.

   “You’re just being dramatic. Everything bagged doesn’t taste good in my opinion. I only do it for you and the fact that it’s more convenient than hunting,” Deceit shrugged. Virgil groaned in frustration.

   “I should have had Roman take off his shirt, then you’d get it,” Virgil grumbled quietly to Deceit. “If watching me literally drink blood isn’t proof enough, Logan, what is? Or are you happier pretending that I’m just a super pale guy with pointy teeth and cool skin who drinks goth aesthetic fruit punch? Because I will understand if that’s what you want,” Virgil said in disillusionment. He couldn’t believe this. Virgil rubbed his head roughly, pulling at his hair a bit. He saw Logan look perplexed through his fingers, but Logan didn’t respond.

   “You could eat human food and get sick,” Deceit offered with an impish smirk.

   “Ugh, no, I’m still paying for those Jägerbombs. You can eat, though,” Virgil grinned at Deceit.

   “He’s not my boyfriend,” Deceit flipped his hand and flipped the way his legs were crossed, holding up his cane with both hands in front of him.

   “Virgil, did you drink underaged?” Logan asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

   “I am hundreds of years old,” Virgil groaned. “D, back me up,” Virgil motioned to Deceit.

   “It’s true, he’s a man-child,” Deceit laughed and Roman joined in. Even Patton tittered before catching themself and looking upset.

   “D, that’s mean,” Patton pouted. Deceit crossed the room at a faster than human speed and swept up Patton in his arms, who looked dazzled and starry-eyed at him.

   “I thought so,” Deceit cooed, letting them go and climbing back down. Deceit hugged Virgil from behind with one arm. “Patton, do behave, you know I can hear your thoughts near Virgil,” Deceit said and Patton blushed so wildly they turned scarlet red and they quickly buried themselves under Virgil’s weighted blanket. Pat knows blankets don’t block thoughts, right? Deceit exhaled a tiny amused breath through his nose.

   “You can read thoughts? Virgil, is this where you are getting this from him?” Logan asked, motioning to Deceit.

   “Pick a number, Lo,” Virgil requested automatically. This was easy to prove. Well, it should be. He hoped it would be. Oh, hallowed fucking Hecate, it better be. 

   “Nine-thousand four-hundred twenty-seven and two-hundred fifty-seven ten thousandths. Interesting choice,” Deceit cooed. “It clearly wasn’t a random lucky guess, you made sure of that. You may as well abandon that train of thought,” Deceit pressed into Virgil’s neck and he melted slightly.

   “Wow, what a number,” Patton said reverently, peeking slightly out from under the blanket and still a shade of bright pink.

   “He’s a witch!” Logan shouted, pointing at Deceit. Virgil and Deceit absolutely lost it with that declaration and broke down laughing. Virgil doubled over and took Deceit with him while they cackled manically. He straightened back up and wiped his eye facetiously.

   “He’s not a witch, Logan, he’s a vampire, get with the program,” Roman rolled his eyes. He was drinking the espresso again, damn it.

   “I… what?” Logan said, blinking. “I’m sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t have-,” He started to apologize.

   “It’s fine, Logan, D’s been called way worse things than a witch in his day,” Virgil said humorously and let out an amused exhale.

   “No, no, grovel for forgiveness, by all means,” Deceit chuckled lowly and pulled Virgil closer.

   “You’re such a bastard and I love you for it,” Virgil whispered and Deceit shook his head and rolled his eyes, stealing a quick kiss. “He's kidding, by the way,"

   “Was that cold reading?” Logan asked, tapping his finger on his bicep. His expression was a blend of annoyed and confused that Virgil could completely relate with right now, but perhaps for the opposite reason.

   “Cold reading wouldn’t give such a specific answer like that you know it. I can feel you grasping at straws,” Deceit provided, flipping out his hand and nestling his chin against Virgil’s neck.

   “Do. The. Roller. Coaster. Thing,” Roman said intensely, articulating his words with claps. He stared Virgil down and leaned forward to grasp the bed railing expectantly.

   “Fine!” Virgil shot and flailed his arms. “Logan, if I could tell you that I can walk on the ceiling like a vampire can in the old stories and then did it, would you believe me?” Virgil asked.

   “I suppose,” Logan said motioning with his hands. Virgil flipped to the ceiling with Deceit still attached to him, turned his head to give Deceit a kiss, and dropped back to the floor.

   “Are we cool, now?” Virgil asked impatiently. Logan stared at him dumbfounded for a moment.

   “How did you set that up? There are no visible wires anywhere,” Logan said, eyeballing the ceiling. “Ultra high strength fishing wire?” He muttered, walking around Virgil and Deceit, looking for strings by waving his hand near them. Virgil was about ready to pull out his hair. Life was a mistake.

   “That’s a good idea, love, grow your hair,” Deceit said. “I always thought you looked stunning with longer hair,” He cooed, running his hand through Virgil’s hair.

   “Vampire tales don’t normally include that particular skill, what’s the point?” Virgil rolled his eyes and exhaled heavily.

   “We want to see! We want to see!” The peanut gallery chanted. Holy fucking shit, how did the night descend into this madness? He almost considered using his gift just to get out of here.

   “Can I just say that this night has devolved in a way I could have never anticipated?” Virgil sighed and motioned to the room, feeling extremely defeated.

   “They’re your friends love,” Deceit purred in Virgil’s ear.

   “Oh, like you’ve been any help, you catty son of a bitch,” Virgil hissed and glowered at Deceit, who just grinned toothily back at him.

   “I do try,” Deceit said airily, but clearly smug.

   “Less insulting D and more hair growing!” Roman jeered.

   “Yeah, what he said! And also apologize! And also I thought we were friends!” Patton added, their words running together, still clearly hopped up on sugar even if Virgil couldn’t hear their elevated heart rate.

   “You are friends, D’s just a b-” Virgil sighed. “A wonderful and considerate being that I genuinely appreciate having in my life,” Virgil said dully and rolled his eyes.

   “I think you calling me a bitch was more flattering,” Deceit laughed breezily. “Give the people what they want, love, you have plenty of blood. Long and black and down to your hips like you used to wear it, please,” Deceit requested, sounding very confident in his choice.

   “I might pass out if I grow it that long,” Virgil objected. Roman looked fascinated, leaning forward, and holding the railing again.

   “And I will be here to laugh at you the whole way down,” Deceit purred. Virgil groaned loudly.

   “But we are friends, right?” Patton asked, sounding concerned and holding on to the weighted blanket tightly.

   “We’re friends, I’m just taking the mickey out of Virgil,” Deceit kissed Virgil’s cheek. Virgil sighed and pulled out his phone.

   “We’re getting back to the Vampire thing, Logan, and I’m perfectly aware of how ridiculous this all is. Believe me. But I need to take a minute to grow my hair for the annoying and raucous peanut gallery, who I know have been drinking my espresso,” He shot a glowered up to the two of them. Patton recoiled, but Roman just looked proud of himself. “And I’m keeping the purple,” Virgil added bitterly and shot another glare at Roman, who just cackled back this time. Logan crossed his arms and shook his head dismissively. Valid. The most valid person in the room, even.

   “Black,” Deceit insisted firmly.

   “Ombre!” Patton supplied. Virgil shrugged. That works. Deceit nodded.

   “Grow your hair already, you whiny punk!” Roman jeered with his fist in the air.

   “People can’t grow hair at will,” Logan said as Virgil’s eyes lit up in the selfie camera and Deceit backed up so Virgil could rake his fingers through his hair. Virgil kept pulling it out until his vision swam and he stopped, sliding his phone back into his pocket, feeling dizzy. He held his head for a moment, trying to catch his balance.

   “That’s not waist-length,” Deceit pouted, flipping at the hair partially down his back and tapped his cane impatiently.

   “So cool!” Patton cheered.

   “I was going to pass out, D. I at least need more blood. You know bagged doesn’t go that far,” Virgil exhaled, leaning back against Deceit. Deceit held on to him, holding him up. He might have pushed it too far, even. Deceit kissed his head affectionately.

   “So who’s the volunteer? Logan, perhaps, since you’re so determined to rationalize everything and Virgil can’t possibly drink your blood?” Deceit asked. Patton squeaked.

   “I have bags, D,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

   “How in the world did you do that?” Logan said, walking around Virgil and Deceit again, then stopped to clean his glasses when he completed the circuit.

   “It’s real if you want to feel it,” Virgil offered, feeling exhausted.

   “I want to feel it!” Patton shot up their hand in the air and leaned off the loft to reach. Virgil went to go lean against the Loft support and Patton started running their hands through his hair. Roman reached out as well.

   “I better not find gelato in my hair,” Virgil hissed. Deceit played with the end before leaning back towards Virgil, wrapping one arm around Virgil’s neck and raking his other hand through Virgil’s hair affectionately.

   “So no volunteers? What a shame. Blood, blood everywhere and not a drop to drink,” Deceit shook his head pitiably. Roman looked like he was about to say something, but Logan got to it first.

   “I volunteer,” Logan raised his hand partway.

   “You’re kidding, you don’t even believe vampires exist and you’d let me drink your blood?” Virgil asked incredulously, narrowing his eyes at Logan.

   “You’ve rationalized literally everything Virgil as done tonight,” Roman laughed, brazenly drinking more espresso. Virgil sighed and held on to Deceit.

   “Do it from the neck!” Patton cheered. Virgil rubbed his face again. He knew what he did to deserve this, but also what did he do to deserve this.

   “I’m not Brooding Logan, Pat, he doesn’t even believe me,” Virgil glowered at his boisterous friends.

   “I’ll drink from him if you won’t,” Deceit smirked and taunted him.

   “No thralls! Dorm rules!” Roman shot, holding out a finger.

   “Rude, Roman. Rude,” Deceit huffed and knocked his cane on the floor to punctuate his offense.

   “I’m serious Virgil, I volunteer,” Logan said, holding out his arm.

   “It’s not consenting if you don’t even believe in what you’re consenting to, Logan, there’s no way I’m doing that,” Virgil shook his head adamantly.

   “I appreciate your concern, Virgil, but I am an adult and I am curious if you can actually drink my blood,” Logan insisted, raising his arm to Virgil’s face. Virgil looked between Logan’s arm and face for a moment.

   “That’s consent, love, and I know you’re thirsty,” Deceit smiled and nudged Virgil.

   “He’s mildly anemic, I wouldn’t even consider it unless he had some food,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

   “Is cold pizza okay, Logan?” Roman asked, getting up from his spot. Patton pouted at him for moving.

   “I suppose?” Logan said.

   “Well, sit down and I’ll grab you some pizza,” Roman supplied, crawling off the loft, heading to his mini-fridge. “Will you buy us a toaster oven, Virgil?”

   “Sure,” Virgil nodded. He climbed up on to the loft and laid down in front of Patton. Deceit laid on top of him, possibly to be a little shit, but Virgil could not care less.

   “You want cold pizza, Pat?” Roman asked, pulling out a pizza box.

   “The answer to that is always yes,” Patton nodded. Roman passed Patton a slice of pizza and held open the box for Logan to take a slice and put it down on the table above the recording equipment. Roman sat at his desk and stacked two slices on top of each other to eat them together. Virgil sighed as Deceit stroked Virgil’s hair while they laid on the bed. Virgil closed his eyes and enjoyed the contact.

   “I have finished my slice,” Logan supplied from below the loft. Virgil didn’t bother moving, because this was clearly ridiculous and out of hand and he was tired and didn’t want to deal with any of this.

   “No, no, you’ve got an offer for fresh blood and you are getting up or I’m doing what Patton’s thinking about,” Deceit said, rolling off of Virgil and pushing him off the loft, pushing him over the railing with ease. Virgil grunted when he landed upright and glared at Deceit. He watched Patton bury themselves in the blanket again. “It’s very tempting,”

   Virgil sighed and held out his hand to Logan. Logan handed over his arm and Virgil cut into his wrist and started drinking. It was absolutely heavenly after growing his hair that long. Fresh blood was so unreasonably delicious. Virgil drank appreciatively. Logan’s blood, in particular, was almost gourmet. He must take ridiculously good care of his body.

   “Stop, love,” Deceit supplied from the loft and Virgil stopped and sealed the cut. Logan pulled his arm back curiously, examining where Virgil drank from. He seemed very considerate for a moment, not having an immediate reaction. Virgil sighed and laid back on the floor with a flop, closing his eyes. If he still didn’t believe after blood loss Virgil was completely out of ideas and would just have to accept being a weird purple-eyed goth albino to his boyfriend.

   “How does your circulatory system work? Does it pump the blood you drink? Do you warm up if you drink more blood and your body pumps more of it? Do you digest the blood any?” Logan started asking a stream of questions. Ah. He finally believes, and all Virgil had to do was drink his blood. Logan kept rambling off questions Virgil couldn’t possibly answer.

   “Woah, woah, I can’t answer that stuff, I have no idea how I function,” Virgil held up his hands and angled up to look at Logan. “Or how D functions, for that matter,” Virgil added.

   “Yes, vampires don’t prefer being experimented on while we’re alive and don’t have corpses to study when we’re dead,” Deceit offered, rolling off the loft and laying on the floor with Virgil. Patton took the cane left on the bed curiously and started looking at it. “I’m glad you could finally join us, Logan,”

   “Are you going to join the clan, Lo?” Patton said, hanging off the loft to look at Logan in the chair. Logan was still staring mystified at his arm.

   “Patton, I love you and your enthusiasm, but please drop it,” Virgil sighed, dropping back to the floor silently, as much as he would have preferred a dramatic thud, his downstairs neighbors surely wouldn’t.

   “Why? I want Logan to join!” Patton pouted, hair still flipped oddly from looking at Logan.

   “I’m so tired,” Virgil groaned in objection.

   “Speaking of, finish growing your hair, love,” Deceit smirked.

   “You’re the actual devil,” Virgil huffed and sat up, pulling his phone back out to finish the job. Deceit smiled at him and Virgil finished pulling the rest of the hair out to waist length. Deceit pulled him into a sudden kiss as soon as Virgil finished, and Virgil melted into his lips, reaching up to hold him. Where the fuck did that come from?

   “What can I say, I’ve been nostalgic,” Deceit responded Virgil’s unasked question.

   “I’ll keep it this length if you stay the night,” Virgil tempted Deceit.

   “How about you stay the night at my estate?” Deceit counter-offered. “You don’t have work in the morning,”

   “Roman drank my entire espresso, there’s no way he doesn’t want to watch movies in a pile half the night. I thought you’d like to join. How about I go with you after they pass out?” Virgil countered. Deceit smiled knowingly and looked very pleased with himself.

   “Pat had some too, actually,” Roman smirked. “I’m pulling out the air mattress, so get off the floor,” Roman said, kicking Virgil.

   “I think I require another slice of pizza,” Logan said, putting his hand to his head lightly.

   “Of course!” Virgil shot up, holding the box open for Logan to get another slice.

   “You would be willing to answer all my questions, right?” Logan asked with concern.

   “Yeah, I’ll answer what I can,” Virgil said. “I’m just not that sure how I work, biologically. And I won’t submit to any science that could be made public,” Virgil added. “But I don’t mind if you want to poke at me in private,”

   “Nice,” Roman said salaciously and nodded. Roman and Deceit snickered together. Virgil rolled his eyes. Logan only blushed a tiny bit.

   “You’re very cute when you blush,” Virgil smiled at Logan while Roman and Deceit both set up the air mattress. “You, uh, don’t want to break up with me or anything do you?” Virgil asked nervously.

   “Um, no. I admit the news is jarring and I feel a little ridiculous for not seeing it. I apologize for not listening to you,” Logan said, somewhat sheepishly.

   “I’ll order hot food, what does everybody want?” Virgil said, pulling out his phone. Roman and Deceit put the sheets on the mattress and Roman went to go set up the projector to the ceiling.

   “I need something high in iron, like leafy greens or beef,” Logan supplied, sounding very distant.

   “Burgers, I guess, since it’s both?” Virgil asked if that was okay. Logan nodded.

   “I’ll take a chicken or turkey burger,” Patton said.

   “You know what I like, you can pick a burger for me,” Roman said, messing with the cables for the projector and the laptop. “Just not whatever kale burger that Logan is probably getting. I hate kale,” Virgil made the order and Deceit flipped on the teakettle, then pulled Virgil in for another hug.

   “If you’re not feeling touchy, you can take my loft and the weighted blanket. We got a projector like you suggested,” Virgil offered.

   “I wouldn’t mind the contact. I’m feeling a bit chilly,” Logan admitted, still sounding kind of blank.

   “Sorry. Half of us can’t exactly help with that,” Virgil chuckled. “You’ll have to cuddle Pat or Ro if you want warmth,” Virgil suggested weakly. He felt bad for upsetting Logan so much.

   “Would making Logan a Brood cure his anemia?” Patton asked, crawling down from the loft and pulling the extra-large weighted blanket with them.

   “Yes, since it’s mild. Assuming Virgil kept giving him venom anyway,” Deceit said, motioning for Virgil to come over as he sat on the air mattress.

   Patton flopped down and buried themselves in the blanket on the air mattress. Logan more tentatively sat down and picked up a corner of the blanket to lie under.

   “Is this ‘brood’ thing a vampire something I am not aware of?” Logan asked, shifting closer to Patton but maintaining a few inches of space.

   “Yeah, and I’m too tired to explain it right now, but Patton would probably be happy to. As long as they can promise to not try to convince you to join my undead legion,” Virgil sighed, aware that Patton wouldn’t agree to that already. Patton crawled behind Virgil and sat down.

   “I’m making no such promises and also I’m going to braid your hair,” Patton chirped, reaching out and taking handfuls of Virgil’s hair.

   “Drop your shields,” Roman Pushed Virgil as he laid down, taking the spot where Patton was before they started braiding Virgil’s hair.

   “’M so tired,” Virgil mumbled and yawned.

   “Drop ‘em,” Roman insisted again, pressing his head to Virgil’s side. Virgil complied and yawned again, this time much wider. “I just realized I’ve literally never seen you yawn until now. And we live together,” Roman said, almost as if he was in awe. Deceit laid in Virgil’s lap and dropped his shield, too, and Virgil sighed in relief, feeling the sweet sensation of a beating heart. He’d normally be all over kissing Deceit by now, but he was completely exhausted from the hair growth. Deceit’s smug smile was plenty of satisfaction, though.

   “I’ve never grown like two feet or whatever of hair in front of you before,” Virgil said blithely. “What are we watching?” Deceit got up and a cup of tea.

   “I was thinking Dead Poet’s Society. Y’know, for you poetry nerds. It’s also it’s a brilliant movie, so us non-poetry nerds can enjoy it, too,” Roman offered, pulling the laptop closer to himself.

   “What, not a Disney film? From Roman?” Virgil asked with mock horror. “You don’t have to be afraid to tug, Patton, it takes a lot to pull out my hair or hurt me,” He added tiredly, realizing he barely felt anything on his scalp. Deceit pressed the mug of tea into Virgil's hands and settled back down next to him, laying partially in his lap.

   “You promise?” Patton asked hopefully.

   “Thanks, D. Yeah, go for it,” Virgil nodded and enjoyed the smell of the earl grey D made for him.

   “I didn’t think half the audience would want cartoons all night long,” Roman explained with a slight shrug.

   “I am not a big fan of cartoons. I do have a soft spot for studio ghibli, though,” Deceit admitted, reaching out for Virgil’s hand.

   “Who doesn’t?” Patton tittered.

   “How about Princess Mononoke after this, then?” Roman suggested and Patton cheered in agreement.

   “D’s favourite is actually Nausicaä, but good guess,” Virgil smirked.

   “Princess Mononoke is Virgil’s favourite, don’t let him distract you,” Deceit shifted to sit up slightly with Virgil to increase the amount of contact.

   “I would have guessed Kiki’s Delivery Service,” Patton chimed in. Patton’s fingers raking through Virgil’s hair was very relaxing.

   “That’s his second favourite. He would have cried if he could,” Deceit chuckled.

   “You can’t cry, Virgil? How do your eyes remove irritants?” Logan asked curiously, shifting to face Virgil, moving slightly closer to Roman.

   “It’s like a thin film. Almost like snake eyelids, but I don’t shed them. It’s why I can’t change my eye color, the film fucks with my glamour. I just use eye drops or water to wash them off. D’s is more like a goo, he can still cry but the tears are weird. He’s also only moved by schadenfreude,” Virgil chuckled.

   “That’s true,” Deceit smirked playfully. 

   “Logan’s never seen you change your glamour, you dork. Do a cat eye,” Roman chided him and jabbed him in the side.

   “Ugh, I’m so tired already,” Virgil moaned but pulled out his phone and changed his makeup to a cat eye with purple eyeshadow and a mauve lip, just to give Roman want he wants so he’d shut up.

   “Oh, glam,” Roman purred and finished loading up the movie. He rolled over to look at the ceiling and Virgil leaned back so he and Deceit could look up. Patton kept playing with Virgil’s hair.

   “Are you doing okay, Logan?” Virgil asked, glancing slightly down at Logan. He had been very quiet for that.

   “Yes, I am…” Logan paused and then made ‘explosion’ hand motions around his head. “No words," He added.

   “Oh, yeah, mood,” Roman agreed. “Pat’s still playing with Virgil’s hair, so if you want body heat you’ll have to settle on me, Logan,” Roman chuckled. Logan nodded slightly and moved closer to Roman. Roman held out his arm and Logan seemed to reluctantly move in, stopping only an inch from Roman.

   “Sorry to have to throw you to the Sharks, Logan. I’m actually colder than room temperature. Roman and Patton use me like an ice pack,” Virgil smiled.

   “I’m not a shark,” Roman made an offended noise.

   “Please wake me for food if I fall asleep,” Logan muttered.

   “Of course, Logan, plenty of iron for you soon. Sorry for, uh, melting your brain and stealing your blood and all,” Virgil apologized sheepishly. Logan just shook his head and closed his eyes. Virgil glanced back up to watch the movie projected on the ceiling.

   “Logan’s not mad, love, just tired and confused,” Deceit cooed.

   “And I’m sorry about it,” Virgil said hourly.

   “I will bite you,” Deceit narrowed his eyes.

   “Roman said no funny stuff in the dorm,” Virgil chuckled slightly. Patton froze for a moment and Deceit laughed.

   “Yes, exactly,” Deceit purred. Virgil rolled his eyes.

   “So, you…” Patton started to ask.

   “We do. He might,” Deceit smirked. Patton froze again and took much longer to resume playing with Virgil’s hair.

   “That’s so annoying,” Roman narrowed his eyes. “At least have the common courtesy to talk telepathically,” Roman huffed. “I don’t like being left out of conversations,”

   “I think D’s teasing me again, I’m not sure,” Virgil stifled another yawn.

   “Oh, I’m accomplishing a lot, I assure you,” Deceit purred, reaching up to caress Virgil’s cheek.

   “Maybe no more confusing Logan with stuff, at least until he eats. He deserves time to process this. Not everybody can be as balls to the wall as Patton,” Virgil sighed.

   “I’m ‘balls to the wall’?” Patton asked.

   “It’s an old pilot thing,” Virgil grunted. “I thought people still used that phrase. I guess it died out. It means going all-in. People still use poker phrases, right?” He asked absentmindedly and yawned again.

   “Were you a pilot?” Roman asked curiously.

   “No more additional information, watch the sad movie,” Virgil said, pointing up. Roman groaned but looked up, pressing his head against Virgil’s thigh. Virgil hummed happily as Patton took out the braid they were working on by running their fingers against his head. Patton started a new one diligently, different strands being pulled about in ways Virgil wasn’t fully aware of, but was happy to feel Patton having fun. He’d probably wear whatever Patton ended up deciding on.

personal taglist: @elizabutgayer​

the taglist repository  (ask to be removed):

supernatural beings taglist: @callboxkat @legendsgates @nonasficcollection @rainbowbowtie @10moonymhrivertam

DLAMP taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account @a-fandom-trashdump @averykedavra @legendsgates @notveryglittery

Virgil centric:  @demoniccheese83 @thatgaydemigodnerd @arya-skywalker

literally everything sanders sides:  @katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun  @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven  @ananonsplace @ollyollyoxinfree

[lavender-hemlock]

All of them that don’t get asked, Bwhahaha! -fom K.V. Good luuuuuuuuck lol.

Mun Ask Prompt  + Challenge because of course you would

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I wish I was as tall as my attitude. 

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

A German Shepherd named Bruno or Nasus. 

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

Casual/Classic. 

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

Ratchet & Clank/Kingdom Hearts

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

Friends. Coffee. College. 

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Caution: Her words hurt. 

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

It’s Valentine’s this week so.. I think love is deserving for yourself before others. 

You’re worth that. 

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

Melancholic. 

                        (Break inserted here for the sake of others.)

9: Are you ticklish?

Dreadfully.

10: Are you allergic to anything?

My skin gets irritated if wax rests on it. I wax my eyebrows. 

11: What’s your sexuality?

Pansexual. 

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

All three? 

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

Dog, if I had to choose. 

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

Vampire. I’m nocturnal enough. Sun already hates me. 

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

Creamheroes. (It’s a youtube channel about an owner that has 7 cats.)

16: How tall are you?

5′0. 

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

Claire. 

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

125 

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

Sometimes? 

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

Ocean. 

21: Are you religious?

Yes! Christian. 

22: Pet peeves?

Hearing people eat, attention seeking. 

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?24: Favorite constellation?

Cygnus

25: Favorite star?

A registered one my best friends gave me for my birthday. It was named something stupid.. Like “cloud”. 

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

No. 27: Any phobias or fears?

Height phobia. Fear of needles. 

28: Do you think global warming is real?

Yes/no. Effects are proven, but media/proof is watered down by subjectives. 

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

Not really. 

30: Favorite movie?

Princess Bride. 

31: Do you get scared easily?

No, it varies on my energy. If I’m very awake, sure. If I’m dead tired, I’m not phased. 

32: How many pets have you owned in your lifetime?

Four. All have passed due to old age only, and I’m thankful for that. 

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

10/10 for your “extra” personality. @kazexvoss 

34: What is a color that calms you?

Cerulean. 

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

Travel to Italy, live somewhere cold. 

36: Where were you born?

Somewhere hot. 

37: What is your eye color?

Green.

38: Introvert or extrovert?

Both. 

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

I think they have coincidences and they are fun to read. 

40: Hugs or kisses?

Hugs.

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

@palaceofthedeadmemes needs a hug before I beat him for not sleeping. 

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

My fiance. 

43: Any piercings you want?

Nope, fear of needles. 

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

Nope, fear of needles. I like looking at others who have either. 

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

I do not smoke anymore. It was weed for awhile. 

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

My fiance is smart, patient, and fair. He’s able to stand his ground when I’m being stubborn, and knows when I just need caffeine. True love is when offers to make coffee just because of how I seem. 

47: What is a sound you really hate?

Chewing. Lip smacking. 

48: A sound you really love?

A violin singing. 

49: Can you do a backflip?

Maybe to break something. 

50: Can you do the splits?

Yeah! Probably really slowly. 

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

Mark Hamil / Johnny Depp . 

52: Favorite movie?

53: How are you feeling right now?

Melancholy. I wish I was writing atm. 

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

Lavender. I would want to dye it if there was a lack of care for “professionalism” with my job. 

55: When did you feel happiest?

December 26th 

56: Something that calms you down?

Music, dogs, tea. 

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

Anxiety. 

58: What does your URL mean?

Lavender-Hemlock symbolizes the color of her infamous hair, and a poison that looks like a flower. 

59: What three words describe you the most?

Empathetic, analytical, passionate. 

60: Do you believe in evolution?

Of course. 

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

I don’t do it often, but I’ve unfollowed when someone put their foot in their mouth on a topic they shouldn’t have spoken about. 

62: What makes you follow a blog?

When the content is similar, if I’ve seen them in my notes a good bit. It doesn’t take much. 

63: Favorite kind of person:

Someone who is just caring of others. Humans that are aware other people are human. 

64: Favorite animal(s):

Lions and tigers and bears- oh my! I tend to like owls too. 

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

@palaceofthedeadmemes, @kazexvoss, @tiergan-vashir. 

66: Favorite emote:

:ok_hand:

67: Favorite meme:

Ugandan Knuckles. 

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

INFJ. 

69: What is your star sign?

Libra

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

No, he only wants to play. 

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

My cardigan over a t-shirt with jeans.

73: Do you have platform shoes?

Nope. 

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

75: Can you do a front flip?

I couldn’t do a back flip- how could I do it forward? 

76: Do you like birds?

They are so loud.. 

77: Do you like to swim?

Yes!

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

Swimming is fun, and ice skating would be painful.

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

Racists. 

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

Better healthcare. 

81: Piercings you have?

N o n e. 

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

Doing content on games. RP is fun- but sometimes I do just want to do roulettes or something with others. 

83: Favorite person to talk to (Pick someone you didn’t name):

@passage-of-arms 

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

Everyone devotes to the pool of creativity with tons of writing and different perspectives. 

85: How many followers do you have?

518

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

Barely?

87: Do your socks always match?

Yes. Always. 

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

Yes!

89: What is your birthstone?

Opal

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

Caracal. 

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

Hydrangeas

92: A store you hate?

Claire’s. Like a rainbow of fake plastic sequins threw up. 

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

Three. Though I am advised this is not good for your health. 

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

Read minds. Though it would probably be concerning to hear the things people don’t say.

95: Do you like to wear camo?

Not particularly. 

96: Winter or summer?

Winter. Snow. Cold. Ice. 

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

30ish seconds? 

98: Least favorite person?

I can only see this question as a target for a bullseye, so.. 

Someone who is extremely fake in their behaviors to negate any past actions of abuse they have inflicted on other people. The type of person that spends their time taking primarily lewd photographs to get attention without regards of decency for any amount.  

99: Someone you look up to:

Not sure. 

100: A store you love?

Yankee Candle. I love candles. 

101: Favorite type of shoes?

Boots

102: Where do you live?

USA. 

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

Nope!

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

Amethyst. 

105: Do you drink milk?

Yep!

106: Do you like bugs?

No. 

107: Do you like spiders?

NO!

108: Something you get paranoid about?

If I said something wrong. 

109: Can you draw:

I can! I just haven’t in awhile. 

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

Probably about a name basis on something, like, “So who are ___?”

111: A question you hate being asked?

I don’t have one? 

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

I can’t recall?

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Absolutely. 

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Cloudy

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

Fiance. 

116: Favorite cloud type:

Storm clouds. 

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

Blue is fine!

118: Do you have freckles?

Yes, so many.

119: Favorite thing about a person:

Compassion. 

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Fruits!

121: Something you want to do right now:

Write

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

Depends on the time and weather. 

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Sweet!

124: Bright or dim lights?

Dim. 

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

Sadly no. 

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

Everyone is a critic, and some feel entitled to their opinion. 

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

The many views and varying content.

128: What do you think about the least?

Probably something I’m not thinking about right now. 

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

“She was loved.”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

Uhh..

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

My brain.

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

Sometimes. 

133: Computer or TV?

Computer. 

134: Do you like roller coasters?

Kinda..? I go on them, but I’m terrified. 

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

Motion sickness with a migraine. 

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

Lobed. 

137: Do you believe in karma?

Yeah.

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

7

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

“Bean” for coffee bean. Starlight. 

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

Nope. 

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

Nope. 

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

I’d like to say good. I encourage others to speak freely and just be themselves- unless you’re just rude. 

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

Giving. Receiving gives me anxiety lol. 

144: What makes you angry?

Ignorance. 

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

1. 

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

I prefer boys. 

147: Are you androgynous?

Nope.

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

Eyes. 

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

@aurorahawklight, @impure-ivory, @sangria-fangs

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

Renaissance   

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

Too many ads. 

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

I met them working a temporary retail job. He was working temporarily there with a bachelors. We had no business ever meeting or ever working there for all our experience- but we did. Its so special to have that coincidence to be in that right place and time. 

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

Forehead kisses are so so endearing- but I don’t give affection freely. 

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Yes.

156: What embarrasses you?

Falls in confidence that brings insecurity. 

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Crowds. 

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

I’m fine. 

159: How many people are you following?

300- even. Wow. 

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

1,911 

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

4

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

5, 817

163: Last time you cried and why:

Two days ago. Stress. 

164: Do you have long or short hair?

Long!

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

Mid-lower back.

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion?

I like religion because it is the sacred beliefs that are worshiped or dedicated to. It’s a choice. 

But, I dislike religion because it brings all manners of people who disrespect other religions, or cause people to react hatefully. 

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

Yeah. 

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

Just eyeliner. I just gotta wing it. 

Get it?

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

Maybe? 

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

Yeah!

@kazexvoss, another example that I am no coward from any challenge posed. 

However, I’m not going to lie, pretty sure I lost like 1/3 of my energy doing this. Thanks for the ask nerd.  

[insessionwitheleni]

LESSONS LEARNT FROM BEING DIAGNOSED WITH AN INVISIBLE CHRONIC ILLNESS:

29/05/2020

I received my Crohn’s disease diagnosis in May 2016, after experiencing months of extreme physical pain, emotional exhaustion & mental confusion (I was NOT having a good year!). Prior to this, as one should be in their 20’s, I was relatively carefree & quite active. Almost overnight, that healthy energetic person disappeared. Her place taken by someone scared & embarrassed. Suddenly, I wasn’t spending my free time with friends or at the gym, but sat in hospital waiting rooms surrounded by distressed strangers. I was being prescribed various medications with unpronounceable titles & terrifying side effects, & was expected to immediately begin taking these – no questions asked.

Fast forward to today, those dark times are luckily behind me (for now at least!). I am still popping pills on a daily basis – but have learnt to pronounce these by now! I also have to inject myself with a really scary drug fortnightly, avoid certain foods, & accept that my body will no longer allow me to be as active as I would like to be. I still get bouts of feeling very afraid of what the future may hold. BUT, things do not feel as bleak as they did back then. And I have definitely enjoyed holidays, night-outs, long walks & a cocktail or two in the recent years, so no need to feel too bad for me!

There have been three major life lessons my ongoing Crohn’s journey has taught me so far:

        LESSON (1) ---> ‘DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER!’

So many life-changing & chronic physical health issues are entirely invisible to the naked eye. Crohn’s, colitis, diabetes, epilepsy, fibromyalgia, asthma, migraines, food allergies, multiple sclerosis, to name a few. Need I highlight the obvious? Mental health issues are almost always invisible too. Depression, PTSD, OCD, social anxiety, personality disorders, post-natal depression, the list could go on & on. It’s so important to remember: ‘not every disability is visible!’

It still impacts me to this day how some people look at me when I’m being instructed to walk through for a blood test as a priority, or when I’m stood in front of them in the pharmacy queue. I am only presuming of course, but it does often seem like they are thinking ‘Why is she going first? She looks fine, I’m clearly more sick than she is.’ Why on earth am I made to feel like I am doing something wrong, just because I am not visibly unwell!? (Saying that, I could also be getting funny looks because of my daunting Greek surname, who knows?!)

My point is, be considerate & don’t judge people. The very same person who has just posted that gorgeous selfie on social media, may have been overcome with pure desperation just minutes later. The ‘rude’ person getting on the train may be experiencing an intense panic attack. That friend that keeps turning up unannounced may be in desperate need of distraction from their physical or mental health worries. The driver behind you that honked his horn the second the traffic lights turned green, may be on his way to a life-changing hospital appointment, or in desperate need of the loo!

So please be kind! We never really know what someone is going through.

         LESSON (2) ----> THE ‘SPOON THEORY’

Any of my clients reading this will know all about the famous ‘spoon theory’ from me waffling on about it during sessions. For anyone that hasn’t heard of this before, the ‘spoon theory’ suggests that healthy people have unlimited ‘spoonfuls’ of energy/effort/ability each day, however people with an illness or those going through some form of trauma, do not. Therefore these must use their numbered ‘spoons’ wisely as to avoid ‘burn-out’. As someone with an invisible illness, I thought I’d benefit from a personal reminder that some days are going to be harder than others, & so chose to get a spoon tattooed on my forearm!

I’m not suggesting you all get tattoos, don’t panic! I am however suggesting that you show yourself compassion when going through a challenging chapter. For example, if you are struggling with low mood at present or physical pain, it is literally impossible for you to be as productive as usual. So instead of piling more & more on your to-do list & feeling terrible for ‘failing’ at these ‘simple’ tasks, why not remove some items instead? Spend your precious spoons on the tasks that will benefit you here & now. In practical terms, if you feel you have 3 spoons today, you will not be able to use 10! It really is as simple as that. So adjust your to do-lists accordingly.

Tomorrow is another day, give yourself time!

          LESSON 3) ---> ‘GRIEF IS A ROLLER-COASTER!’

What has grief got to do with illness? Well…everything! 

There is a great & complex amount of loss that comes with illness. You are no longer the same person once you fall ill, especially if this illness is chronic. You can lose the ability to do certain things or go certain places. You can lose precious time at medical appointments or sorting through medications. You can lose touch with individuals that don’t seem to understand the magnitude of what has happened to you. You can lose faith. You can lose hope. You can lose independence. You can lose confidence. So OF COURSE you are going to be grieving!

The main theory around loss suggests that there are seven different stages of grief (feel free to explore further in your own time, it really is interesting). These are:

1)     Shock

2)     Denial

3)     Anger

4)     Bargaining

5)     Depression

6)     Testing

7)     Acceptance

As promising as the final stage seems, unfortunately bereavement is an ongoing process & definitely not linear. What this means is, once you reach ‘acceptance’, you don’t necessarily stay there. It is also worth mentioning that each & every individual experiences grief in their own unique way, & that external factors can massively impact this too. No wonder bereavement is such a complicated process!

What does all this mean? Well it means, if you have lost something, it is OK to feel angry about it. If you have been made redundant at work, it’s OK to not throw yourself into job applications & interviews the very next day. If a loved one has passed away, it’s OK to feel low about it 3 years later, or 5, or 10!

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It’s OK!