#or else im not living a life worth living and wasting the small amount of time i have on this space rock

[spyroz]

i dont reblog those posts about how hard it is to have moralizing ocd in online spaces, even though i deeply resonate with them. ironically, i can only talk to 2 people about my ocd, because one of my obsessions is that other people will assume im using my mental health as a shield against criticism if i talk about it. therefore, if i talk about my ocd in any circumstance, my brain believes that i'm already doing something immoral

basically, most of my obsessions resolve around people assuming bad faith of me or that i'm somehow secretly an irredeemably bad person, no matter how hard i try to be good. i am a bad person if i dont reblog posts about serious topics, spend every waking moment thinking about extremely serious topics, or make any social mistakes whatsoever (which is scary because i'm also autistic). i believe that i am irredeemable if i make a small mistake, and i often think all my friends are waiting for me to make a mistake so that they can attack me, and that my life will be ruined if i fuck up. im constantly scanning all my interests (and people i know) for the tiniest imperfections (far beyond healthy amounts of criticism in your interests) out of fear that liking anything or anyone makes me a horrible person. if you dont take a side on this lgbt label discourse, then youre a bigot! im ALWAYS mentally preparing responses and apologies to totally theoretical situations of people being upset with me. i have intrusive thoughts about doing the immoral things that scare me most.

the problem is, *talking about* any of these thoughts invites people who will actually bad faith me. "if youre so worried about this stuff, then you must have something to hide! you just want to avoid accountability!" they make your obsession a reality by accusing you of the exact thing you fear most. none of these thoughts are reasonable or realistic, and i know that. i know that i'm mentally ill. i know logically that i'm as good a person as anyone else. when i actually do make a mistake, i stay level-headed and apologize, acknowledge what i did wrong, and change my behavior

but there is a large part of me that does not want to heal from my ocd, because i believe constant self-monitoring and self-critique is the only thing preventing me from becoming a horrible person

there is nothing i want more in this world than to be a good altruistic human being who is capable of growth, but spending weeks trapped in thought loops analyzing all my behaviors for the smallest signs of a mistake will not help me be a better person. it makes me a worse friend. it drains my energy so that i dont have the mental capacity to actually spend time being kind to others. i reread this post many times while writing it to make sure i didnt accidentally write 6 different slurs. but i can't figure out how to heal. what the fuck do i do about this

this is incredibly hard for me to write about. i'm fighting the urge to delete this post as you read it. i cant stress how debilitating this is for me, it is the biggest hurdle in my life and it sucks away days worth of my time and energy. i will become trapped in thought-loops THE SECOND im not kept sufficiently busy and stimulated by tv/music/my bf/being out of the house somewhere/etc. so much of my life is wasted wanting to be good, that i dont get a chance to actually live the life of a good person

i really hope this post resonates with someone. ive only met a few other people who have this particular kind of ocd, and its extremely isolating. but i want to try to heal from it, and i know the first step to healing is talking about it

[ellecansee]

Dedicated to all the mangled kids on that bus in victoria.

It wouldve been a far saner response to just pay me. Rather than mangle you. What can anyone say to you. You poor darling children. Caught in your parents fight and it clearly being a losing one, for them.

Us. A losing one for all of us, swept up in all the unreasonable things that these animals steal from us. No amount of money can feed all the nation states that have withered because of a vast empire, that wont let go of the nation states it fails to provide for but repeatedly steals from instead.

Food - streetfood is tasty as it is a toughening of guts, just like riding on vehicles that your body is no longer designed to travel on for long periods of time. But we do it. To show all those people and all their prizes, worth nothing. Amounting to meaningless photos. That boxed in is you and im eating you. To be pushed out as waste and fed to the fishes. Along the mekong.

Thailand is the ultimate threesome. Always caught in the middle of some kind of war, designed by tho s e other monarchies with too much butnot enough for all of their nations. Just mo r e at the top, way less down the bottom. Its a crown of thorns waiting to be crucified.

Now, with the us, trying to strangle it, despite strong ties to china and not the communisty china but the heart of china. So agriculture and industry. Covid was a clear moment just like september 11. For those old, incestuous pompous royals, their celebrity status, is killing them from the inside/out. Just like all the fake tears, they shed in outfits worth far more than what they really amount to, lives. Your lives, disabled and no longer designed to do, as you may have done, had we all just been compensated appropriately.

The weak steal. Everyone else has money, they just dont spend it on them and their fake prizes and shitty clothes. Cheap women, worth a dime a dozen. Bought and sold in a game that has mangled us. Mangled people, innocent children, all because of the unreasonable.

Places burn, children shouldnt get mangled by psycho truck drivers. I hope you always try to see the goodness in life despite this instance. That you become future leaders so this doesnt happen to other people like you, children, free, innocent, sweet. Able and uncompromised.

My birthmark is getting bigger, what was once ceylon is now something else. A new design from all your amputations. A weak leader, an even weaker political regime run by our fodder.

Actual Leaders with their children bo u nd in their borders, demanding cooperation. A stillness i felt as i rang those 7 bells. Trying to make them harmonise for our King. Its difficult when the one we entrust betrays us, the most. It wouldve been easier to stay single but confidants in this game are few and far to find. So we scale the skies like birds. Trying our hardest to protect everything in our grasps. Out of love. But, dignity.

A value the unreasonable will never understand, like they do. With someone as small as me, just trying to learn from them, not someone to be taught from. For a long while. Its darkk days where ever anyone tries to place themselves. Better to be supported rather than playing a charade in a game where all anyone wants is your blood. Which they have known, firstly. Car crashes, one eye staring up at the sky, gun in hand. Ready to make it rain, at any time.

For the people. Not for themselves.

i am every age i have ever been …

tumblr user @blossomfully, tumblr user @wastelandbebe, “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros, “Untitled” by Franz Wright

˗ˏˋ☕ˎˊ˗

[gladerwolfstarkimagines]

Imagine being Azula’s unofficial drinking buddy at parties and her getting jealous when Ty Lee takes you away from her.

It wasnt often fire nation teenagers celebrated anything. There wasn't always much reason to celebrate and parties were frowned upon for being “frivilrous” so when they did occur it was a big deal. They were usually excuses for the youth of the fire nation to get out all their pent up energy meaning they weren't just chilled dances but big shows of ego fuelled by bucket loads of alcohol with atleast five fights breaking out. All the teenagers were filthy rich so money was no object meaning the parties were extravagant, the alcohol imported, the location classy and the event itself always memorable. The fire nation knew how to throw an event.

When parties did happen it was even rarer that your friends would all be in attendance. Ty lee was always down for any party but Mai and Azula were harder to convince. Azula could be enticed sometimes, she liked people watching so with the right timing you could convince her. Mai was harder, it had to practically be the right cycle of the moon for Mai to agree to come, that or Zuko had to be going which was even rarer than the right moon cycle. But maybe it was because your school years were running out drastically but when a party was announced Ty lee, Azula, Mai and Zuko all agreed to go and you were thrilled. The four of you were good friends, five including Zuko, and you loved seeing them in situations that didn't involve brains or brawn.

The very first fire nation party you attended with Ty lee and so you copied her lead. You followed Ty lee around, nodding and smiling at her friends, talking to them all with as much energy as she did but it was soon exhausting! At the end of it all you found you didn’t care about all the acquaintances you wasted time talking to. So you weren’t looking forward to the next party but there was one major difference...Azula came and that changed things significantly. Azula did not care about some guy from english class and so she distanced herself from everyone and you decided to join her. After having one of the best times of you life isolating with Azula you started a tradition. Every party from then on the two of you would find some place where you could watch but be out of the way of the party. You’d gather a large supply of alcohol and nurse it all evening just in each others company. Ty lee would flick in and out when guys bothered her. Mai would join you when she came or if Zuko was here she'd disappear with him. Zuko would sometimes appear if he' d lost Mai and you'd point him in her direction but mainly it was just you and Azula, relaxing and drinking. You and Azula could be sat in silence or laughing loudly. One of the things you liked most about Azula was that she didn't do anything without a reason, she didn’t partake in small talk just because she felt awkward or wanted to look like she was having fun. If she didn’t have anything to say she didn’t speak and it was as simple as that. You could sit in comfortable silences together for ages, or sometimes you’d think of something and both be laughing, the alcohol making it seem even funnier, and you’d forget there was anyone else in the whole world let alone room.

When you and Azula did this nobody dared approach you apart from Ty lee, Mai or Zuko. You remember in one of the earlier parties a guy had approached Azula and tried to hit on her using a back handed compliment. In response she'd burnt his eyebrows off and since then nobody dared approach her. It didn’t bother either of you, it was nice to be in the company of others but not have to worry about interacting with them. Another time some guys had noticed the amount of alcohol you were gathering from the main table and questioned it before realising who you were. They challenged girls couldn’t drink that much before pailing realising Azula was beside you. Azula challenged them to a drinking competition in response and they (without a choice) accepted. You won of course and since then the whole youth population of the fire nation had regarded the two of you with respect and courtesy. Nobody dared to bother you if Azula was around and even if she wasn’t, they knew who you were and didn’t dare mess with Azula’s best friend. 

You were thinking about this as you walked next to Azula on the way to the party and contemplated how tonight would go. Considering your company you figured there would definitely be a intensified version and sure enough when your group walked in most of the party stopped what they were doing to look. Azula and Zuko were royal but you, Mai and Ty lee all had reputations too. Your friends were the smartest most skilled people in the entire academy, not to mention the richest teenagers with the best prospects and it showed. They just seemed to demand fear and respect and you got why, you were in just as much awe of them as the rest of the fire nation. 

Of course your friends knew they were wildly impressive and they owned it. "Im going to miss this" Mai smiled as she asked for the best whisky and the kid went into his dad’s study to get it her. "Miss it?" Azula asked "this will always be our lives, you could show up on anyones doorstep and tell them who you know and they’d do what you asked". Mai nodded her head "i suppose i could". Ty lee frowned "but you won’t right?". Mai smirked and Azula laughed, you’d never seen azula and Mai get along better than through a mutual hatred of humans.

You gathered your alcohol and Azula gestured for you to follow her spotting  a good table. The five of you flocked to it and started dishing out the alcohol. You were soon having a good time and could tell Azula was too. Zuko seemed content and Mai was enjoying her whisky but oddly the most happy member of your group was not enjoying herself. "So whats the plan for tonight?" Ty lee asked and Azula raised an eyebrow "plan? You’re looking at it". "This is what you want to do all night?" Ty lee frowned and Azula nodded. "But this is boring i'm bored" Ty lee frowned "don’t any of you want to dance? Mai? Zuko?". Mai shot Ty lee a glare so powerful even Azula looked away and Zuko turned up his lip in disgust. "Okay fine, y/n? Azula?" she asked. Azula laughed in response "what about the many times me and y/n sit here drinking makes you think we’d want to dance?". Ty lee sighed "i...i don’t know" and lowered her head. She looked so sad you frowned "i don’t want to but because you want to so badly....". Ty lee’s head shot up and she grinned "you mean it?". "Seriously?" Zuko and Mai asked both shocked and slightly horrified. You nodded "why not?" and downed your drink. Ty lee grinned "youre the best y/n!" and dragged you away.

You didn’t enjoy the dancing but seeing Ty lee so happy made it worth it. She was the kindest person you’d ever met so you didn’t care if you felt awkward or looked very weird trying to copy her movements, your friend was happy and so were you. After a while Ty lee took pity on you, asking if you wanted to get a drink and relieved you left the floor to go grab one. You made your way back to your table to find Mai and Zuko gone and Azula sat alone. "Hey" Ty lee said brightly but Azula just looked at her. Ty lee grabbed her drink and barely put her lips to it when someone called out to her and she rushed away leaving you and Azula alone again. "So where did Mai and Zuko go" you asked. Azula shrugged in response and you frowned. She was angry at you. "I didn’t know they’d gone" you said trying to stop a full blown argument "you shouldve caught my eye and  got me to come back". Azula tutted "what makes you think i’d prefer your presence to my own company?". "Well the fact you’re mad i left you?". "I’m not mad you left me" Azula glared "i don’t need you y/n, least of all to sit beside me" she rolled her eyes. "So what’s got you all bitter?" you asked. "Nothing" Azula shrugged "i just never thought you were on of those basic girls y/n, i mean dancing like Ty lee, copying her to fit in... it’s just disappointing frankly". You narrowed your eyes "Ty lee wanted to dance so i went with her, end of story". "If you say so" Azula smirked and you felt your temper peak. "Your seriously this mad at me for having fun with Ty lee?" you asked "i don’t have to stay by your side or ask permission to do things! Our arrangement isnt like that, we never even made it official". Azula blushed and went the most flustered you’d ever seen her "what are you talking about! I know we’re not official!" she cried. "Our plans... I meant we never made our plans offical" you clarified "that we would stick together in parties" you trailed off and saw Azula turn even redder. She'd misunderstood what you meant and that seemed to make her even angrier. "Yes well i shouldn’t have to clarify everything with you y/n, i’m too busy for that". "Well i’m not a mind reader if you don’t tell me what you want me to do i won’t do it, maybe just say what you want next time". Azula rolled her eyes and you sighed "whatever Azula" and walked away.

As you got outside you realised it was never a smart idea to yell at Azula or storm away from her and you'd done both. Part of you was worried what she’d do to retaliate but another part of you was more worried by the concept of the argument itself. Azula had always been your closest friend, you’d seen her be harsh to other people but she wasn’t like that with you. No she wasn't all honey and sweetness but your years of friendship has earned a more raw version of Azula and from that your friendship had blossomed into...well you weren’t sure what it was. You knew you liked Azula a lot and you suspected it was similar to how Mai and Zuko liked each other or how every boy seemed to like Ty lee. You even suspected Azula migh feel that way too due to the way she acted around you. She'd do things like invite just you to places even Zuko wasn’t allowed to go or she’d show you small acts of kindness...securing the drink you liked best or switching lockers with you because she was taller. Nobody saw the small things Azula did, only the big awful ones and you were pretty sure you were the only person Azula allowed to see her like that. But now she seemed to have curled back up in on herself and you hated how that felt.

You were outside pouting when Mai caught sight of you and came over. “What are you doing way out here, it’s freezing!” Mai commented and you shrugged “I had to get some air”. "Why aren’t you with Azula" Mai asked and you sighed "we had a fight". "Ow no trouble in paradise" she said sarcastically smirking but she dropped it when she saw your face. Mai was the most perceptive of all your friends and you were pretty sure she suspected you had a crush on Azula. "Was it bad?". You nodded "i don’t even know where we stand anymore...if we're even friends". "You'll always be friends" Mai reassured you "Azula can stay mad at anyone but you? I’m certain she won’t stay mad at you for long". You frowned "don’t be too sure". Mai didn’t like seeing you gloomy, that was her thing, so she grabbed your arm and tugged you back inside. "Where are we going?" you asked and Mai smiled "to go find Ty lee, she has a way of cheering people up and you are in major need of that".

Sure enough when Ty lee caught sight of your sad face she made it her mission to make you happy again. From jokes to hugs to twirling around of her hands Ty lee tried it all and it was slowly working. Mai got you a comfortable seat hidden away from Azula’s sight and your good mood came racing back.

You were enjoying spending time with Mai and Ty lee but it was your turn to get the drink so you made your way to the main table and started loading up a tray. You stretched to grab the wine Ty lee liked when some guy appeared, leaning across you to grab it first. You looked at him and he smirked "here" holding it out to you. You raised an eyebrow but took it "thanks, i think". The boy smiled "no problem, you know i haven't seen you smile so much, you’re y/n right?". "Can't say i’ve ever noticed you" you replied and he laughed "i didn’t mean it as an insult just you look pretty when you were dancing and smiling...compared to when you just sit in a dark corner drinking". "Thanks for the feedback" you replied and turned to walk away when the boy grabbed your arm. "Hey whats the rush? I was thinking we could get to know each other". "I'm good" you said dryly but the boy was persistent. "Ow come on you don’t even know me! I bet i could make you change your mind just give me 5 minutes". "Look i’m flattered but i came here with my friends and they're the only people i want to spend tonight with". "But you're always surrounded by girls it’s like you scared or boys or something...wait are you scared of men?”. You raised an eyebrow and put the tray down. You opened your mouth ready to lay into this idiot when someone cut you off.

"Youre the one who’s going to be afraid if you don’t step away from her right now" a voice called. The guy smirked and turned around cockily but all that confidence fell away when he saw the princess Azula stood behind him. "Azula....". "Princess Azula to you" she snapped "now take your hands off her before i break them in 3...2..". The boy bolted and you couldn’t help a small smile at Azula. You were pleased the boy was gone but you were more pleased Azula was here. That could only be a good sign. "You didn’t have to do that i could handle it" you smiled "the boys going to be having nightmares for months". "Good" Azula nodded her head "if he can’t take a simple hint then he needs teaching". You nodded watching Azula carefully. You wanted to make up with her but you refused to apologise, thankfully Azula skipped over it. "Want to get some fresh air with me?" she asked and you nodded "okay". You passed the drinks to Zuko who was helpfully passing by and followed Azula outside.

There were some other kids out there but Azula led you past them to a quieter corner. "So about earlier....". "Azula it’s...you dont have to" you winced waiting to skip over it but Azula didnt want to. "No you’re right, if i want you to do something i have to tell you and i'm nothing if not open to efficiency tips" she smiled and you laughed. Azula looked back down and was quiet for a while. You watched her worriedly but smiled as soon as she spoke. "I like being with you" Azula said awkwardly. "Me too, which is lucky considering how much we're together" you smiled and Azula nodded "yes but at school Mai and Ty lee are there or at the palace Zuko’s around...at these parties it’s just me and you and it’s...nice, i like our time together at parties, i’m surrounded by people but it feels like it’s just you and me" Azula blushed "and i felt like Ty lee took that away from me tonight...you took it away from me" Azula sighed. You frowned, you had no idea Azula was so protective over you or that she valued your company this much. "Well i’m here now" you offered grabbing her hand. Azula nodded her head "yes you are" and smiled before looking away her cheeks red. She rubbed the top of your hand with her thumb before speaking again "and you told me to tell you what i want so, to make sure there’s no future confusion, i...when we go to parties i want you to go with me, as in attend with me, we go to them together as an exclusive duo". "Azula friends aren’t exclusive" you blushed and Azula nodded "i know i’m not asking to be your friend y/n". You paused and Azula kept her eyes on you "i want you to be my...more than friend". You smiled and nodded your head "i’d like that very much". Azula smiled blushing too "that is good" and you both stood awkwardly holding hands while grinning from ear to ear. 

Later

Everyone ended up at your table as the night rounded down and you wondered if Azula would mind but she seemed content. Really content. She even laughed at Zuko’s joke which was unprecedented. You were sat pretty close anyway but Azula decided to be comfier and put her arm around the back of your chair. You saw the others notice your and Azula together even though they pretended not to. Mai was smiling, Ty lee was suddenly really affectionate with you two and Zuko kept trying not to look but was being very obvious until Mai nudged him. You and Azula noticed but she didn’t care so neither did you. You glanced at Azula and she smiled at you. You blushed in response and smiled back at her. Azula shifted closer and you leant into her, leaning on one another. You fitted together well and felt so safe and protected with her arm around you. You’d always known your place was by Azula’s side but this was the proof. Now you were never going to be parted from her. 

[ssamie]

ten. “greatest desire”

kozume kenma x fem dazai!reader

(bsd x hq)

tw: mentions of suicide, guns & cementaries

masterlist.      suicide freak!

"uh hi.. i know we don't really know each other that much.." atsushi started off. the boy had a nervous smile on his face as he stiffly waves at kenma, with tanizaki and naomi by his side 

"but have you seen y/n-san?" atsushi asked 

"y/n? why, what happened to her?" kenma asked worriedly 

atsushi, tanizaki and naomi were stood in front of nekoma's gym, trying to look for the girl, as per the president's wishes. "its been about a day since you guys went out to the arcade, right?" tanizaki chimed in "has she shown herself to you, or atleast texted any of you?" 

kenma frowned as he shook his head no. he looked back at the team who were trying to act like they weren't eavesdropping. 

"no.. i just assumed she was busy with work" kenma muttered 

"hmm, i tried to ask ranpo-san but he's too busy" naomi chimed in as she hugged tanizaki's arm to her chest 

"oya oya, sorry to barge in on the conversation-" kuroo interjected. the captain had a sly grin on his face as he walked towards the group. "but we just so happen to overhear something about our manager going missing?" kuroo mused 

"yes, sorry if we're intruding" atsushi bowed 

"but y/n-san went missing again, and the president ordered us to find her in under four hours" tanizaki sighed 

"or else we get our asses handed to us" atsushi shuddered 

kuroo and kenma gave each other a look and nodded along. "we'll try to look for her later" kuroo said "we'll let you guys know" 

"thank you so much!" atsushi exclaimed with a smile "would you mind calling the agency if you find her?" he said as he handed them a piece of paper with the agency's number 

"its really hard tracking her down" tanizaki says with a chuckle "when she chooses to disappear, it's like she never existed in the first place" 

"anyways, we'll be on our way" atsushi excused "we've troubled you long enough" 

"its no problem.." kenma muttered 

naomi waved them goodbye as they walked away. the duo waving back meekly as they watch their retreating figures disappear. 

"hey, you okay?" kuroo nudged his friend kenma nodded and looked down at his shoes "yeah.." 

"i think i'll go look for her now" kenma muttered "eh? kenma, we could just go later" kuroo said with a raised brow 

"im going. bye" kenma muttered, completely disregarding kuroo as he went straight out the door 

"where's he going?" yaku asked as he peeked his head out the gym doors "he's gonna look for y/n" kuroo answered 

"damn. what a simp" yamamoto sneered 

"wow. that's rich coming from you." 

"i swear to god.." kenma grumbled "if she ends up getting found in a ditch and i wasted all that time running around for nothing.." he scoffed 

he's been running around the streets of tokyo, passing through every street and alleyway to try and look for the girl. so far he hasn't seen a single trace of her, not even a single person who has managed to pass by her. 

"y/n.." kenma huffed out. he was currently by a riverbank, leaning against the metal railings of the bridge while he tried to catch his breath. 

"you called?" 

kenma jumped at the sudden emission of her oh-so-familiar voice, and turned around to face her "what the- y/n?! where did you come from?!" kenma shrieked out 

"also, where have you been?! atsushi-kun and a bunch of people from your job came to the school today looking for you" he said 

y/n chuckled and strode over to his side, jumping over the rails and sitting on the flat surface of the bars. "if i told you that the port mafia took me hostage and threatened to execute me, would you believe it?" she mused 

"no." 

"then i won't bother to say" she shrugged 

kenma eyed her warily. her port mafia story could actually be believable, now that he thought about it. given as, her bandages were loosened and torn, almost as if they broke off with too much movement. and along with the dried blood resting upon her cheeks and hands. 

"are you okay?" kenma asked worriedly 

even if it was believable, it could've been just her trying to kill herself yet again. not that it was any better

"of course" she smiled "though my body is a bit sore.. chuuya really doesn't hold back"

kenma froze and slowly turned his head towards her with a blank and emotionless look on his face. 

"chuuya doesn't what." kenma spat out "did you seriously disappear to hook up with that dog? that-that man child? that eyesore? that-" 

"what are you talking about?" she laughed

kenma huffed and propped his elbow on the cold metal, resting his chin on his hand as he pouted 

"you're really funny, kenma-kun" she mused 

"really? cause im not laughing." kenma grumbled "i ran around the whole city for you, only to find out you ran off with some guy" his honey hued orbs eyed her down, watching her chuckle softly as the golden rays of the sun illuminated the surroundings around her

"y/n.." he mumbled "why did you really disappear?" 

"i already told you" she replied with a sigh "the port mafia is truly a force to reckon with" 

"that's why you gotta stay safe, kenma-kun" she mused "you never know who and when they'll strike next" 

kenma sighed and nodded along. it was old news -- the port mafia, that is -- its been stirring up the whole city for the past few months. 

"ne, kenma-kun" she called out "if we do end up dying alongside each other, i suggest we drown ourselves in this river." she said 

she stared down at the flowing water, the golden colour of the setting sun reflecting off of it. "its clear and pretty, not much people are around.. its quite tranquil." she hummed

"i never really understood this.." kenma muttered "but why are you so intent on dying?" 

"and i never understood you, and so many others." she replied "tell me, kenma.." she turned to face him, her bandaged hands loosely gripping the railings, as her legs and feet dangle off the ledge. 

"do you really think there's any value in the act of living?" 

kenma didn't answer. instead he stared at her, and her clouded eyes, each orb holding an unforgivable amount of sin and deciet that he could only imagine. 

"well.. is there any value in the act of dying?" he asked back 

she blinked dumbfoundedly at him, fairly shocked at his question. 

"isn't there anything else you desire? life is kinda cool too yaknow?" kenma said in a sheepish tone 

she stared at him a few minutes longer before averting her gaze. she chuckled and closed her eyes as the cold wind breezed past. "man fears death, and at the same time, man is drawn to death" she said 

"its a singular event in one's life that no one may reverse" she hummed "and that is my greatest desire." 

kenma didn't know how to reply to that, so he didn't. he simply looked down up at the setting sun, letting silence wash upon them both. 

"hey kenma" she called out. kenma looked at her, curious and wary. "yes?" he asked 

"wanna hang with an old friend with me?" she suggested with a soft smile

"me? won't that be intrusive though? i don't really know them.." kenma muttered nervously

"it's fine. he'd probably be happy i even talk to people my age" she said with a chuckle. she jumped off the railings and landed on the ground with a grin. she stretched her aching arms over her head and patted kenma's back. 

"he's a lot like you" she mused "always saying life is worth living and all.." 

"okay then.." kenma agreed reluctantly "but if i sense that person doesn't like me one bit, im leaving." he groaned out

"im pretty sure that won't happen" she chuckled sheepishly 

"why are we in a cementary?" kenma grumbled 

"is this where you kill us both?" he scoffed playfully "i wouldn't be surprised if you already have a hole dug for us" 

she chuckled and shook her head "no, no" she mused "were just taking a small stroll" she cooed as she looked around the awfully empty surrounding  "ah! there it is" she perked up "it's been so long since i went here that i almost forgot my way around" 

kenma followed her as she skipped away, though he was quite confused, he didn't question her. 

"hurry, kenma" she called out as she watched him struggle to walk faster "i hate you" he grumbled back, which she chose to ignore 

she smiled softly as she stood infront of the oh-so-familiar grave. 

"geez." she mumbled "its been so long since we hung out, odasaku" 

"shame we couldn't meet at the usual place" she chuckled and sat down on the grassy ground. she leaned back on the gravestone, resting her back against it as she waited for kenma to arrive 

"y/n?" on cue, kenma chimed in. he was panting slightly, most likely from running and walking around for so long "what are you doing?" kenma raised a brow at her 

"kozume kenma-kun.." she called out

"yes?" he asnwered

"do you know whose grave this is?" she mused, pointing her thumb to the gravestone she was leaning on 

kenma eyed the name engraved on the stone and shook his head. "no..but it's someone dear to you, right?" 

"what makes you think that?" she hummed out in amusement 

"i've never seen you pay visit to a grave before" kenma muttered. the pudding head hesitantly sat down infront of her, bowing at the grave before settling down on the ground. 

"does it look like im visiting a grave to you?" she asked with curiosity 

"it does.. why?"

she smiled softly and leaned her head back, letting it fall and her eyes to land straight at the cloudy sky "well, i thought of it as hanging out with a friend but.." she trailed off 

"i guess that works too" she sighed out 

kenma frowned as he watched her close her eyes. her smile faltering as a wave of comforting silence washed upon them. "im sorry" kenma muttered "i shouldn't have said anything.." 

"its fine." she chuckled "its been years since he died." she smiled bitterly "i guess it's time someone snaps me out of my daydreams" 

kenma didn't respond. he simply toyed with the grass on the ground and the few flowers littered around. 

"yaknow, kenma" she said with a smile "you're the first person i brought here" 

"me? why?" kenma asked in surprise and confusion 

"because this friend of mine was a good man." she said "he told me to try and look for my reason to live."

"and i think i found it" she whispered as he looked into his eyes 

kenma blinked in shock as he basked in her awfully heartwarming words. 

"my reason to live is to die with you." 

"of course. its gonna be about suicide again." kenma sighed dejectedly.  "but y/n, if you think of me as your reason to live.. then i'll take it upon myself to keep you alive" kenma smiled at her, tucking his blond hair behind his ears as he kept his honey hued orbs trained on hers. 

"kenma.." she teared up 

she blinked repeatedly as she opened her mouth to speak. 

"i.. I DON'T WANT THAT! I WANNA DIE WITH YOU!" she whined loudly "i already had our suicide planned! i even suggested the whole river thing a while ago!" she exclaimed 

kenma deadpanned as he watched her ramble on and on about her ideal double suicide. "i really don't care." kenma groaned out "i don't want you to die." he whined "why do you keep trying to kill yourself" 

"just because, okay?!" 

"just for that, im gonna call your agency and hand you over" kenma sighed as he dialled the agency's number 

"traitor!" she shrieked "kunikida-kun will undoubtedly beat me up" kenma ignored her as he started speaking on the phone. 

"yes, she's with me.." he muttered "is she behaved?" he repeated the question as he sent her a pointed glare 

"no, not really" he scoffed 

"kenma, you're heartless!" she shrieked in horror 

"cmon. let's atleast pay respects to your friend before we leave" kenma said with a sigh "dont worry, kenma-kun! i already thought this through" she grinned. she then pulled out a bottle of sake and a book and placed it on the ground. 

"you brought him alcohol? seriously?" kenma furrowed his brows 

"hey, it's two of his favourite things, okay?" she defended with a laugh 

"do you know how ridiculous i looked while buying these things at the store?" she chuckled "they thought i was a madman or something!" 

"i would've too" kenma answered back 

"you're so mean to me, kenma" she pouted "anyways, we should go." she said as she dusted her pants and unravelled a thin layer of her torn bandages. 

"i can't wait to tell you about this suicide method i learned about." she beamed. she tugged on his arm and pulled him away as she continued to blabber on his ear "apparently this one does the job right away!" she exclaimed 

"can you believe it, kenma?" 

"wow. crazy." he replied dryly 

"yeah, and all we gotta do is shoot ourselves with these guns-" 

"no." 

"oh my, this almost feels like a welcome home party!" she cheered. she gave the detectives a close eyed smile while they simply stared back at her with a look of agitation and worry 

"where the hell were you?!" kunikida exclaimed angrily as he tapped his foot on the ground 

"the port mafia!" she answered back nonchalantly 

they all perked up in surprise from her claim. "huh?! the port mafia?!" 

"hai hai! but don't make a big deal about it!" she chuckled as she waved her hands dismissively 

"you could've died!" kunikida exclaimed  "now, now! i'd like to think of it as akutagawa-kun needing some attention that's all" she joked 

"jesus christ" kunikida sighed as he adjusted his glasses "that boy could kill you and you still won't take him seriously" 

"anyways, why is he here?" he asked as he pointed to kenma, who simply ignored him and avoided their eyes as he played on his phone 

"oh! he's the one who found me, so i thought it'd be right for me to repay him" she smiled brightly as she squeezed kenma to her chest, all while he unbotherdly continued on with his game

"i've thought of so many fun things we could do back in my dorm, hehehe~" she chuckled mischievously as kenma's face paled. she only gripped him tighter when he tried to scurry away. 

"i- i see.." kunikida stuttered out. he looked at them with wide eyes as she started squeezing him tighter while kenma tried to pry her off 

"y/n, you're strangling me!" kenma huffed out "i know!" she grinned 

"we'll leave you two alone then!" kenji said with his usual smile as he ushered the others away 

"they're worse than tanizaki-kun and naomi-san.." atsushi shuddered "that's because she's trying to kill him" tanizaki sweat dropped 

"and herself, as well" yosano sneered "go get your man!" she cheered as she sent y/n a sneaky wink 

"yosano-san! don't encourage her!"

[mono-dot-jpeg]

only a knight - aether

summary; you should've seen this coming... you're always being used by everyone. you're merely a knight to him, nothing more, nothing less.

genre; angst, modern royalty au, visions still exist, prince! aether, knight! reader, hurt/no comfort, reader gets close to death but not yet

[cw/tw: mentions of death, violence, blood, insecure thoughts]

[lowercase intended] [gender neutral reader!]

word count; 1.03k

a/n; another vent one shot, pogchamp :D anyways, aether is gonna be like the prince of mondstat pretty much and more will be said in the story

all the archons are essentially kings/queens in this

if this pops off or if someone requests something like this with another character, I'll probably do it

ngl tho this isn't really my best work, im not totally satisfied with this but whatever posting it anyways pog

OH YEAH AND I GOT ALBEDO, I GOT MY ELEVATOR BOY IDC WHAT SLANDER IS SAID ABT HIM I LOVE HIM AND IM GONNA WRITE A ONE SHOT ABT HIM SOON

you were only a knight.

it was something you told yourself the moment you were chosen to work under king venti as a knight. you were not meant to have much of an outside life. your only duty was to protect the high class.

you didn't expect to get close to the prince. you thought he would merely walk past you like it was nothing. but he talked to you. albeit it was about showing you around the royal grounds and having you introduce yourself to him. but he talked to you.

you both were young when you met, you both were bound to bond together quickly. jean and many other royals/knights saw it coming. you two were like best friends.

but you were only a knight.

aether stood in the backlines, safe and away from danger while you risked your life daily to protect him. you do not regret your job, but it was hard to keep yourself at a distance with your friend.

neither of you were meant to be seen in public together then neighboring kingdoms would see it as a weakness, you would be leverage for a deal.

you couldn't help the flutter in your chest every time aether smiled your way, or when he greeted you happily. there were rising feelings and you hated it. this was not supposed to happen.

you knew enemies would use it to their advantage if they found out about your liking to the prince. so, you trapped yourself in your own web. you were merely a pawn to keep the kingdom safe, you were only a death fodder to keep enemies away from aether, you were gonna die, you didn't need feelings.

you're a knight. not a lover.

you had death written on your hands in red blood. you were a murderer. you did not deserve love. feelings were irrelevant when your time ticks faster than the rest. you were only to be used and never kept for long. you were a ticking time bomb, ready to lose yourself at any given moment.

you cannot fall in love with someone you can't even get.

sometimes you wished that you were a royal in another life. maybe then you would have a chance but you knew this would be the best chance, even if you were to sacrifice your life for his.

time continues to tick and you're often someone the other knights go to for help but you never seem to get at least a thanks out of them. this pattern seems to go on, you get them what you need and then they leave.

you start to wonder, is this how maid noelle feels? but they thank her... why don't they thank you? are you not worth a thank you at least? you shake off the thoughts, refocusing on your training. but unluckily, the knights are called for a meeting.

you arrive and it seems like everyone is going miles a minute with how much buzz there is in the room. eventually, kaeya, the captain, quiets the room down and informs everyone that there's a kingdom that has called war on the kingdom of anemo. this was your time.

you're a knight, a pawn ready to be thrown away after its use.

the sounds of screams and crackling fire echoes in your ears as you slash your sword in a quick manner, finishing off an enemy. there's a slight ringing in your ear as you weren't prepared to experience any explosions. it's mind numbingly horrifying to see the amounts of lives that were stolen from this war. traces of elemental visions lined the fields and yet you still stood your ground against the enemies.

but of course, you had injuries littered all over your body. you lacked a vision which made you an easy target but your years of training never went to waste.

you were truly a self sacrificial person. maybe too much self sacrificial. you learned that you would put your life on the line even if it was just a thin thread you couldn't see. you would rather see the prince alive and healthy than you alive and healthy. you figured that certainly wasn't a healthy mindset and yet you were too blinded by your buried emotions to even stop the cycle.

thoughts were running at top speed as you continued to fight. you could feel your stamina drain with every enemy you finish off. you don't know how much longer you can continue. your vision is spotted with darkness before you have time to realize...you're gonna die. your breathing is shallow and shaky, your body feels numb. you can't see or feel anything, your body is done and yet your mind still runs. if this is how you die, you would not mind.

you're only a knight and nothing more.

you're awake...?

but how? your thoughts gather slowly as you attempt to move your body. everything is still numb. you manage to open your eyes, the lights in the room were dim which helped you adjust quicker.

just out of your peripheral vision, you can see a small tuft of blonde hair. your heart just beats a little faster, was it aether? did he wait for you?

"you're awake." his voice was firm and almost blunt. was this really the aether you grew up with? "i don't know if you can hear me well but you're lucky that someone else had came to save you. we couldn't let one of our stronger knights die like that. i'll be going now." and just like that he left. why did you expect him to say something else?

you were only a knight. nothing more, nothing less.

he's not supposed to care for you. he doesn't need to care for you. you had that sliver of hope that maybe...just maybe, his heart would beat for you just like how yours beats for him. but now you remember,

you're only a knight. you're only a pawn. you're below him. you're not worthy of a prince's love.

tears well up in your eyes as the thoughts begin to settle and ruminate in your mind. why did you fight so hard for someone who never loved you back?

[velvetsehun]

Born To Die| OSH | 08

pairing: Oh Sehun x Reader genre: Mafia!Sehun rating: 18+ warnings: violence, gun use, mature language, smut (in future chapters), slow burn. words: 17k summary: a collusions of worlds is supposed to kill, but what if it can do something else?

A/N: Im going to let chapter 8 do the talking for itself ;) remember feedback is important, like AND reblog,  so drop into my askbox once you’re done, lets chat hehe 

TW// Warning this part contains some material that might be sensitive to readers as it depicts scenes of blood, mentions of gun use and violence, readers discretion is advised.

sehun this chapter [x]

Masterlist

“We split up; cover what needs to be covered then regroup to scope the basement? Sound good?” Baekhyun told him just after breaking down the door to the rather drab building, their flashlights illuminating the foyer in wide circles; the light dancing with the dust in the air.

“Sounds good to me,” Chanyeol gruffed back, tapping his back pocket to make sure he had a spare magazine, “Boss find out why we’re here?”

“Nope,” Baekhyun hummed, checking his gun, “Kyungsoo tried to follow through with Jongin’s lead, didn’t get us anywhere.” He sighed softly

“Lovely,” Chanyeol was keeping it short, something Baekhyun noticed.

“You good?” Baekhyun asked nonchalantly, eyebrow quirked, “You were quiet the whole ride here.” Chanyeol shook his head.

“I’m fine,” He grumbled, “Just don’t see the point in this that’s all.” Baekhyun tried to not roll his eyes at that one.

“I don’t just mean today,” Baekhyun clicked his tongue, “You’ve been in a bad mood all week,”

“I have not.” Chanyeol snapped slightly, but Baekhyun merely smirked.

“My point exactly, save it for someone else,” Baekhyun chuckled, “You can pull that shit with anyone else but not with me, got it? So, spill.”

“We don’t have time for this,” Chanyeol tried to walk away, shaking his head, “We’ve got a job.” But Baekhyun caught his arm, making the taller male look at him.

“You can stomp around the compound till your heart's content, Yeol,” Baekhyun started with a look, “But when something eating at you, it hinders your ability to think – and we can’t have that, not now.”

“So, you’re not asking me cause you care?” Chanyeol’s eyebrow flicked up as he looked down at the man, “You just don’t want me shot.”

“I do care, you wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” Baekhyun’s hands raised in a calm down gesture, placating the man for a brief couple seconds, “You’re showing that you’re upset over something so I’m asking you as a friend, what’s wrong.”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Chanyeol sighed, looking around the area, “Not worth discussing now okay?”

“You promise?” Baekhyun smirked softly, but there was a friendliness to it.

“I don’t make promises, as you told me to,” Chanyeol smirked back at him, “Now do your job.”

“Sehun’s rubbing off on you,” Baekhyun laughed while walking towards the stairs, “I’ll meet you in the middle, sound good?”

“Sound good,” Chanyeol nodded before walking towards the corner that led to the ground floor apartments.

“Stay safe,” Baekhyun sang slightly which Chanyeol shook his head at.  

The apartment building was disgusting, meaningless graffiti slew across desolate walls that were barely holding on – the musty smell had Chanyeol’s nose turning up slightly as he flashed his light down the hallway that held the apartments; the dust dancing in the bright light.

“Where did Jongin get this place…” Chanyeol mumbled to himself, flashing his light up at the first door.

Apartment G1

He took as deep a breath as he could before he tried the doorknob, the old piece of wood falling open as Chanyeol applied a bit force – a cloud of dust kicking up with it, Chanyeol’s hands swatting the particles away with a cough.

“And why are we doing it at night,” He mumbled on from his point earlier, readying his gun as he stepped into the apartment.

It was a pretty basic layout, open plan kitchen living room that probably reversed in each home with a small hallway that led to the only bedroom and bathroom in the place; it wasn’t as light as what the apartments up on the floors would be but Chanyeol merely just prepared himself for the dark before fully walking into the place. The place looked like it hadn’t been touched in years, aside from the small graffiti that was littered it seemed no one ever stuck down here.

“They probably all slept in one room for safety,” He spoke to himself quietly, thinking of the fact that this area was rife with homelessness and there were rumours of numerous break in’s here – not that the pace showed it.

Chanyeol was careful when he opened door to the only bedroom, coughing softly at the stench of mould that filled the room; a breeze whistling in from a left open window. It was strange for a window to be open in an apartment that looked like it handed been touched in a while, but at the same time; Chanyeol didn’t know how long it had been open for. A small sigh passed his lips as approached the thing, shining his light into the ground outside; a fat lot of nothing.

“Note to self,” Chanyeol mumbled while giving the bathroom the same treatment, “Talk to Jongin about the validity of his tip-offs,”

There were sixteen different apartments in the one stretch of hallway, all categorised by the same peeling green door and faded gold numbers – something that grew monotonous to Chanyeol after the 4th apartment as they were all as empty as the last.

Apartment G5

“Here goes nothing,” He faintly whispered to himself as he went to open the door but stopping slightly as he looked down at the ground; the door just barely open.

Unnoticeable to some, a patch of dust that had been clinging to the old wooden floors had been recently disturbed; Chanyeol remembering how his boots left marks in the settling dust and how easy the dust could settle again. Placing his hand on his gun that was tucked into his pants, he opened the door; letting the wood bounce off the wall behind it.

The apartment looked as untouched as the last but faintly on the floor near the hallway, there was a scuff that alerted Chanyeol that he wasn’t alone; drawing his gun up in front of him, he took a careful step into the apartment; wary of any loose floorboards that might alert anyone straight away that he was entering.

Planting his shoulder to the adjacent wall that led down the hallway, Chanyeol took a small breath before swinging himself around; the butt of his gun connecting with flesh making him grit his teeth.

Dressed completely in black with a covered voice, he heard a modulated gasp come from the mouth of his assailants mask; Chanyeol wasting no time in gripping the man by the scruff of his neck to toss him into the open plan – dust springing up everywhere as the body landed with a thud.

“Who are you,” Chanyeol demanded, aiming his gun at the person, switching the safety off.

A modulated laugh siphoned out of the mask the man was wearing, his shoulders jumping slightly as he laid back on the ground, arms folded over his stomach like nothing was happening. Just as Chanyeol was losing his patients with the idiot, the man held up a remote shaking it slightly just at the same time Chanyeol felt something cold pressing into the back of his skull. The cackling man still laughed, taking a breath before speaking again.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Park Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun liked to imagine that the precious few hours before Electric Kiss opened its doors were supposed to be his quiet time; a small amount of time that he dedicated to ignoring everyone that tried to talk to him unless it was of the utmost importance, one where he could sit at his cushy desk and imagine that he was a regular guy that worked a regular job. But Baekhyun was not a regular guy – something that was becoming more and more evident as he found himself slammed in the chest with a foreign object on the way to get a meagre drink from the bar.

“How are you today, Baekhyun?” He mimicked his newest workers voice whilst glaring down at her, before answering himself in a conversation that wasn’t happening, “I was fine, almost peaceful until someone decided to get in my way.” He snapped softly, brushing the hand that was holding something to his chest away with an annoyed tsk.

“My composure is now wearing thin,” He plunked an eyebrow at the girl in front of him, his eyes flicking between Y/N and Joohyun, the later who was wearing a wince behind the bar, “What do you want.”

“What’s this?” She waved a crème envelope in front of his eyes, his eyes narrowing slightly at this thing.

“If I say a piece of paper can I go?” He asked with a raised brow, but she merely glared at him.

“Baekhyun,” She snapped slightly, but he merely rolled his eyes and plucked the thing out of her fingers – his eyes narrowing at the silver insignia on the wax seal, the tree of life staring him in the face.

“Unless I’ve been leaving my stationary around then I’m curious to where you got this,” He frowned, opening the envelope quickly – the familiar cursive written across the thick crème paper, the feeling of a look passing over his eyes.

“You are warmly invited to a night of festivities, courtesy of Exodus.

It would be with great pleasure if you would honour us with your presence at the Byun City Estate this coming Friday for a black-tie event.  

We look forward to your attendance.”

“Night of festivities my ass,” He spoke to himself as he watched the women in front of him look utterly confused, a small roll of irritation passing down his spine before he thrust the paper back to her.

“Joohyun,” Baekhyun smiled rather tensely at his other bartender, “Be a peach and let me borrow her for a bit, we’ve got some things we need to discuss.”

“Is everything okay, Byun?” Her eyebrow quirked slightly, a glimmer of something in her eyes as she flicked between himself and Y/N.

Baekhyun merely gritted his teeth in a rather tense smile before parting without a word, the scurry of feet behind him signifying that the woman in question was indeed following him. The walk to his office was brief but it felt like an eternity at the same time as the two went without words, and well he was without a drink and a little irritated to the point he flinched himself when he opened the door to his office with a little more aggression than what was needed.

“Sit.” His gestured to the plush seat in front of his desk lazily, while rounding the magnificent piece of dark wood himself.

He let out a rather stressed sigh as he sunk down into his leather desk chair, the cushions hugging his tense back muscles in a warm embrace – Baekhyun’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment to savour the feeling.

“What is this all about?” Your voice broke his silence, a puff of air passing through his lips as he opened his eyes to look at you; probably the vision of a tired man. “Why am I being invited to your house?

“Where did you get that invitation?” He countered with a slightly raised brow.

“I asked first,” He rolled his eyes as you snapped back.

“Watch the tone,” Baekhyun huffed at you, “Just answer the damn question, you’re not in trouble here.”

“I came home from work two days ago and it was laying on the floor of my entryway,” You huffed back at him, laying back on his leather chair as you did, “You’re the only Byun I know so I figured you could tell me.”

“What does he see in you, I’m still yet to work that out” Baekhyun eyes rolled, lounging carefully back into the plush chair, “I can’t tell you why you got one because I didn’t see it off, so if anyone’s going to do something without my knowledge, well... I think I can hazard a guess who it is.” You frowned.

“But what is it.” You stressed, tossing the envelope onto his desk.

Baekhyun took a second to compose himself, rubbing his eyes with his pointer finger and thumb to relieve some of the tension before speaking.

“It’s an invite to a very exclusive party,” Baekhyun began with a look on his face, “Factions of Exodus will congregate together for one night under some elusive reason, we haven’t had one in a while, but…” He gestured to the invite.

“I guess that’s changing,” He tutted, “Obviously I knew about the party, but I was not informed of who was going...”

“Wait,” You said confused, rightly so, “Then why did I get this? I’m not part of any of your…Factions?”

“That’s the million-dollar question,” Baekhyun hummed before he lulled his head to look you in the eyes, “You're taking this rather calmly.”

“It’s just party, right?” You naively asked, “I don’t have to go do I?” Baekhyun let out a rather low laugh at that.

“You have no idea about this world, do you?” He asked honestly, “It isn’t as easy as just declining an invitation.”

“Well, what happens if I do?” She asked, eyes a bit wider, “Am I fucked?” Baekhyun chuckled at that but it was short-lived.

“Listen, something you need to know is that every “immediate family” to the Oh’s gets a number of invitations they can hand out,” He gestured to the papers slew across his desk, “It’s only for high ranking members and they’re limited, so whoever gave you that was a higher member.”

“So, who was it?” He watched her rightly frown, something he started tapping his finger on his desk at.

“See that’s where this gets even funnier,” Baekhyun hummed with an annoyed look on his face, “That’s mine but that’s not my handwriting.” He watched her mouth open to dispute him and, in his annoyance, he was quick to refute her with a finger being held up.

“Sehun may like being interrupted by you but I don’t so shut it.” He snipped, “I didn’t write the damn thing.” He watched her deflate back into his chair.

“I only wrote out a few,” Baekhyun defended, “And you were not on that list.” There was a small beat of silence as the two of you tried to think of something to explain the invitation; the two of your minds clearly off to completely other directions. 

It took Baekhyun only a few seconds to put the pieces together, nothing his brothers like the back of his hands; but if you received one of these stupid things that to him meant that whatever higher power involved wanted you there – something you were not catching up with.

“Chanyeol?” You asked with a sigh, “He could have, he got a weird...” Baekhyun smirked as he watched you struggled with the feelings of the taller man but also at the hilarity of it.

“A weird attachment? Nice theory but laughable at best.” Baekhyun kept smirking.

“How so?” You huffed, glaring at him slightly – ignoring the previous jab.

“Chanyeol isn’t even high enough ranked to send out any invitations,” Baekhyun stated as he watched you frown, a sigh passing his lips at something else you clearly knew nothing about.

Shaking his head, Baekhyun snatched a piece of paper from the tray on his desk before gesturing you forwards; scribbling something down.

“Oh the things I do for this man…” He thought to himself.

“I’m doing you a favour, so if anything of this leaves this room, even a peep to some who isn’t us; I’ll know,” He glared at you, “And I’ll make sure you pay for it, do I make myself clear?” He asked plainly, watching as you mouth glued itself shut for a second.

“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Baekhyun told you, “Am I clear?”

“Crystal,” You huffed at him, an air of attitude passing over your face for a second, “What is it with you all threatening my life, I’m of no importance.”

“A match is of no importance to a piece of wood until it’s up in flames,” He retorted like he normally did, quick-witted, “Now pay attention.”

“Yes sir…” You curled your lip up in annoyance slightly before giving the paper your attention, something which Baekhyun opted to ignore for now.

‘Oh’ was written very clearly at the top, Baekhyun’s scripture something you didn’t expect as you looked at the nearly perfect cursive.

“I’m guessing you know who this is?” Baekhyun gestured to the name, “Oh is Sehun’s family name and ergo, the leader of this all.” He watched you nod.

“Okay, I could guess he was the boss…” You bit down on your lip slightly, “He made that message clear.”

“Good,” Baekhyun ticked at you before writing a series of three names directly in a line under the Oh’s, connecting them with lines to their leader.

Byun. Kim. Zhang.

“These three are the three main families directly under the Oh’s,” He explained to you, “Do you know who these are?”

“Well, you’re Byun.” She affirmed to him, “But the other two I don’t know.” He sighed softly.

“I’m from the Byun’s, yes,” He started, “Kim is the family that Junmyeon is from, he is Sehun’s right-hand man.” He looked at you to check you understood before continuing.

“Zhang is Yixing’s family, you’ve met him very briefly,” You nodded to him, “He typically does our more…Out of area stuff – not for your ears.”

“What do you do?” She interrupted him again, “Your family I mean…” Baekhyun tensed slightly but he guessed she’d be inquisitive – every time he met the woman, she was asking some form of a question.

“Don’t tell the others,” He tried to counter the feelings bubbling with a bit of sarcasm, “But its typically written in order of importance, arguably my family and the Oh’s are the closest, we sort out the nasty stuff they don’t want to – but if you’re asking about me? I do a bit of everything.” Your eyebrow raised at that.

“Shouldn’t that make you Sehun’s right-hand man?” His jaw ticked slightly as you mocked the way he spoke for a second.

“You’ve met Junmyeon?” Baekhyun tried to counter you, “I’d hate to be that uptight about everything.”

“But…” You tried to talk but he merely glared at you.

“Back to the task at hand,” He gestured to the paper with a snap, “I’m doing you a favour, as much as it would bring me no greater joy to see you get ripped apart by the wolves, I’d rather save myself the scolding since your name is on my invitation and guest-list.”

“You’re so hot and cold,” You quietly huffed but paid him attention again.

“There is one more connected to the Oh’s,” His eyebrow raised slightly while drawing a line that was straight across from the Oh’s, not beneath like the other three, “That’s the Parks.”

“The Parks?” You echoed him slightly with a small furrow of your brow.

“I believe you met their delightful heir,” He rolled his eyes, “Park Jeonghwa, the woman you met.”

“That’s her?” Your own nose scrunched at that as he hummed in agreement.

“Complicated family relationship between the two but she’s an only child and her father is a bigwig in the city; you probably know him.” Baekhyun explained, “Own’s a pharmaceutical company, that invests in the city hospitals, he’s the chairman of them basically.”

Legacy Pharmaceutical

“But he’s in the pocket of the gang…” You asked quietly, “Isn’t that…”

“Highly illegal?” Baekhyun said like it was nothing, “Yes, but he’s a big investor, helps us out when we need it – doesn’t do anything the grimy stuff that we do but his hands aren’t clean.”

“Come to think of it,” Baekhyun smirked looking at you with an act of slight revenge written in his eyes, “Doesn’t your precious boytoy work in the main hospital in the city?”

“For a man that turns his nose up at us, I’m sure he’d be just elated to know who his boss is…” Baekhyun kept talking because he knew it would rile you up.

“Paper?” You snapped at him slightly, a feeling of pure joy filled him knowing you had a small thread to pull on. “So, where do Chanyeol and such fit in.”

“I was getting there,” He rolled his eyes, “Chanyeol, along with Jongin, Kyungsoo, Minseok and Jongdae full under what we call ‘adopted brothers’.”

“Adopted?” You repeated clear confusion.

“Adopted,” He affirmed to you, “Every so often, the main families will take people under their wings I guess, it’s different to just… Joining us.”

“How?” You asked him, still clearly confused.

“Anyone can join us if you know the right people,” Baekhyun stated to you while placing his pen down, “But adopted brothers are someone we’ve asked to join our ranks, we’re responsible for them in a sense.”

“So like prodigies?” He watched you try to rationalise it all with a hint of amusement on his face.

“Sort of, we train them and are directly responsible for them, they’re often hand-picked and there isn’t that many of them.” He explained to you slowly, “It’s sort of a phenonium, you have to get approval from the head of your family and the head of the gang.”

“So, it’s like literal adoption in a sense? You induct them into the family, not just the gang.” You kept up with him.

In that moment of time, Baekhyun could understand the appeal in your that Sehun seemed to see; you rationalised quicker than most and especially for someone who literally is having the information they don’t want dumped on them.

“Yes, like that,” He nodded, “They don’t hold the same respect as blood children would, but they’re apart of the family in a sense, they can even take their names if they really want.”

“It’s complicated and not easy to understand, it’s also different for every family,” He hummed, “Some people, like my own father, don’t give a shit about adopted brother’s they’re just pawns to him, but Kim’s turn theirs into mini geniuses” His nose turned softly.

“What about Zhang’s?” You asked curiously.

“Negotiators, mini leaders, the best liars you’ll ever meet,” He smirked slightly, “Zhang’s don’t just take on anyone, it’s an honour to be selected.”

“So, who goes where? Who is what family?” You looked a bit more interested than the beginning of the conversation, something Baekhyun wasn’t sure was a good or a bad thing.

“Jongin and Kyungsoo are part of the Kim’s, but only Jongin carried the name.” He sighed softly, writing their names under Kim’s

“Minseok and Jongdae are Zhang’s, neither took the name for safety reasons.” He smirked softly as you let a little noise.

“So that leaves…” You trailed off slightly.

“Chanyeol is a Byun, didn’t take the name though,” Baekhyun hummed, “Park Chanyeol sounds better.”

“Park?” You quizzed as he laughed softly.

“Not related, don’t worry about that,” He chuckled, “Byun didn’t have a ring to it so he stuck to his actual name, but I doubt my father would let him use it anyway…” He trailed off himself.

“Why only one for you?” You asked honestly, “I guessed you and Chanyeol were close, but why only one?”

“Short story; My father is a bastard,” Baekhyun shrugged, tossing his pen back into the pot, “He’s all about being a pure Byun – no adoptive business.”

“But Chanyeol?” You frowned.

“Chanyeol is lucky I like him,” Baekhyun sighed, “Listen it’s a lot more complicated when you look into the families, back to the task at hand.”

“Does Sehun have anyone?” You asked, a glint in your eye.

“No,” Baekhyun didn’t waste time in shutting you down, “He doesn’t bother with that business, he’s got his hands full with us.”  

“I’m still confused to why you’re telling me this though, I appreciate it but…” Baekhyun sighed again for what felt like the umpteenth time.

“Friday, you’re going.” He stated to her, “Your invitation is under the Byun name and I will not have you disgracing it by rejecting it.”

“But I don’t want to go?” Your voice heightened slightly.

“I don’t care.” Baekhyun said simply, “You’re were asked to go by a high-rank family, and you will attend – I’m not skinning myself to save you from whatever nonsense my father will conjure up as punishment.”

“But I’m not a part of this.” You snapped at him, a fire in your eyes, “You’re dancing around everything, who sent the invitation, Baekhyun – you can explain all you want but I know you know.”

“Wow, you do not catch on quick.” He hummed, “Of course I know, you idiot – it’s as clear as day to me, but you do not, so what you’re doing going to do is turn up like you’re asked and smile prettily at the boss or whatever ever it is you do with him.”

“You can’t force me,” Your jaw was tense.

“Yes, I can.” He smirked, “I know where you live and I’m not above coming to your place and dragging you myself.”

“I’ll get-,” He cut you off.

“The police?” He leered, “You forget how we got here”

“I hate you; I hate all of you.” You spat at him, “There was supposed to be no meddling, I told you what I know.”

“I’m not Chanyeol,” Baekhyun laughed with a drawl, “I don’t care if you hate me.”  You were fuming in your seat, Baekhyun could read that very easily, so to bring the situation back down to what it was before, he took a deep breath before speaking again.

“Friday evening; a car will pick you up at 6:45 pm,” He began sharply while looking at you, “You will be dressed in something appropriate, I will provide it if you need it, and you will pretend that you are going to a perfectly normal party.” His eyes ticked softly.

“You don’t need to stay the whole time, but you need to turn up – do I make myself clear?” He asked you, without a bit to his words. “Everything I just told you will keep you in check, no talking to anyone that doesn’t talk to you – people will be watching you”

“What do I get out of it…” You asked quietly, simmering down from your earlier burst.

“Well, what do you want?” His mouth was tense, “I’m not Sehun, I don’t hand out favours.”

“I want to not go.” You bit at him, “Or you tell me why I’m going in the first place.”

“Not an option, pick something else.” He responded.

“Pay rise and a promise,” You asked plainly, not giving it much thought, something that his eyebrows flicked up to, “I want a pay raise for working here, and I want you to promise that I will not be involved in any pathetic schemes like this again.”

“Not even any diabolical plans?” He smirked softly.

“Baekhyun,” You warned him, something he raised his hands to.

“Pay rise I can do,” He explained, “The other thing I’ll see about, I’m not a man who makes promises.”

“Talk to your boss or something, I don’t care” You snipped, “I’m tired of this, it’s bad enough that I work here.”

“So, you won’t attend a party, but you’ll take our money,” He pulled an amused face, “Some moral high ground you have, completely solid.”

He looked at you quite amused as you stood up, snatching the papers off his desk before pointing a finger at him.

“This is the last time I do anything for any of you, whoever wrote the damn invitation…” You started with a stressed look, “Tell them I will personally make their life hell if they don’t stop, I’m tired and want no part in any of this.”

“Don’t shoot the messenger before the message can be sent,” Baekhyun tutted with a raised eyebrow, “Don’t worry Cinderella, we’ll make you a real belle of the ball.”

“Oh, fuck you, Baekhyun,” You snapped at him before storming to his office door, practically tearing it off the hinges more than he did, before speaking again, “Get me a dress.” Was the last thing you said before you slammed the door – Baekhyun jumping slightly at the force of it.

As soon as you left, he felt the mask melt off for a brief second – his body sinking back into the chair as the stress of the last hour left a funny taste in house mouth.

“What are you thinking, you idiot…” He spoke quietly to himself, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Do you normally have that effect on women?” Baekhyun practically leapt in his seat as a new voice joined his own.

“Fucking hell… Joohyun,” Baekhyun snapped, glaring at the woman now standing in front of his desk, “What have I told you about sneaking up on me.”

“She’s in a mood, practically shook down the whole place,” Joohyun asked with a raised brow, “Why is that?”

“Not anything you’d be interested in,” Baekhyun leaned back in his chair to continue rubbing his eyes, the familiar burn seeping into his retinas, “Gang stuff and such.”

“Gang stuff,” She whistled lowly, trailing around his desk to lean on it, looking down at him, “A soft thing like that, what did she do to you all?” He glanced up at her with a sigh.

“Nothing,” Baekhyun pulled his mouth tight, “Surprisingly, she was just in the wrong place at the very wrong time”

“Which means?” She pushed slightly, a slight smirk curling on her lips.

“Bar shoot up, Sehun spared her,” Baekhyun crossed his arms loosely over his chest, “Ridiculous move, but here we are.”

“My my…” She laughed softly, “I can tell that’s not even the full story”

“You have no idea…” He sighed softly.

“That heartless bastard actually has a heart, wow.” Joohyun chuckled, “Who would have thought?”

“That heartless bastard,” Baekhyun repeated, “Is the most powerful man in the city, remember that he’s got ears everywhere.” He looked up at her with an amused look.

“You’d never rat me out would you, Baekhyun?” She asked sweetly, a smirk painted on her lovely mouth.

“Do me a favour and I won’t have to,” He smirked back, “Get her a dress for a black-tie event.”

“Now,” Joohyun tutted, “You don’t even pay me enough for that,”

Baekhyun gave her a look before fishing into his pocket, pulling out his wallet quickly and handing her a credit card, swiping it back before she could fully grab it.

“You’re not just buying her a dress, are you?” He gave her a look, to which Joohyun merely laughed back in response, swiping his card.

“The son of a very rich man hands you a credit card asking for a favour? of course I’m not just getting her a dress…” She teased looking at the black card with an impressed look, “Oh a black card as well…I have a couple of things on my wishlist too.”

“You’re a cruel woman, Irene” He gave her a fake sad look, using her work name to tick her off slightly, “If you wanted the house, I could have got it for you”

“And have to be indebted to you?” She smirked before nodding at the door, “I’m not one of your lackeys, I owe you a lot but not a ‘5-bedroom house with walk-in closet’ lot.”

“You’re my best employee, buy what you want,” He smirked slightly, “You deserve it.” He nodded, as she went to open her mouth, he cut her off.

“You would deserve it more if you accompanied me on Friday,” He raised an eyebrow at her, “Like I asked.”

“I do recall you complaining to me that you didn’t want to go because your family would be there,” She mocked a frown, “Also that, and I quote…”

“Chanyeol is being a miserable bastard, Sehun is a lovesick puppy, and no one wants to have fun,” She mocked his voice and his stature, before going back to her tune, “Did I get that right?”

“Actually, I change my mind, I’ll ask someone else,” He tried to swipe the card back but Joohyun looked elated as she jumped from his desk, waving the thing in front of her.

“Ah, no take-backs,” She smirked, walking towards the door in what Baekhyun could only call a strut of pure jubilation, “I want that new coat and bag, it’s getting cold outside,”

“Just get her the dress, Joo…” He called out to her as she walked out the door, “And is that a yes to Friday?”

“I’ll get her the dress, Baekhyun”

Sehun’s eyes refused to leave the pieces of papers splayed out in front of him, but his hands told a different story and he fished in his suit jacket to pull out a familiar black and silver box; his nimble fingers deftly pulling out a cigarette before an elegant black gas lighter was lighting the extension of his stress. It wasn’t long before curls of smoke crawled out of his lips, a relaxed sigh leaving his chest as they did – he paid, even more, no mind as his fingers plucked the thing from his mouth to ash it in the crystal ashtray that always sat on his desk.

“That’s going to kill you one day, you know?” Junmyeon tutted disapprovingly, looking at the younger man with a slight grimace; the smell of smoke filling the room.

“Ah yes, the cigarette is going to kill me,” Sehun spoke back without looking at the man, continuing to take draws from his cigarette, “Not the countless threats on my life, the guns, running a gang, or even the countless enemies.” He had a sarcastic edge to his voice as he spoke, tapping the ash off again into the tray.

Junmyeon was silenced at that.

“But yes, let's worry about my nicotine addiction – this pack of Marlboros is just pressing a gun to my temple waiting to pull the trigger at any moment,” Sehun flicked to the next page still not bothered to glance at his brother, “Truly terrifying.”

Another beat of silence passed between them to which Sehun sighed to fill.

“You’ve clearly got something to say, so say it.” He tutted.

“Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?” Jun sighed, tossing his pen down.

“I do take things seriously, insufferably so” Sehun countered ashing off his cigarette again before tossing his papers down, “Actually I think I might be the only one here taking anything seriously.”

“Sehun…” Jun gave him a look, sitting a bit straighter but Sehun carried on talking.

“I do recall that it’s my head someone has a metaphorical, or probably more, in this case, literal gun to,” Sehun ranted while taking another draw of his cig, “It’s my business, my family, hell its what’s left of my livelihood that got a giant red marker over it.” He stood up pushing his chair back to look out the window keeping his back turned to his brother.

“And what have I got defending that, huh?” He countered himself quietly again.

“You have us,” Junmyeon sighed, putting his papers down to come to stand beside the man, “All of us…” He rested his hand on his shoulder while the latter pressed his cancer stick back to his lips.

“You know Baekhyun said he’d be proud of me…” Sehun spoke quietly, his face almost reminding the older man that he wasn’t as far from a child as he liked to think he was, “Very proud…” His voice took an edge to it.

“But you don’t believe that.” Junmyeon opposed quietly.

“Why should I?” Sehun asked him honestly, turning to face the man while he flicked the bug of his cigarette out the window, “I’ve lost thousands in weapons, I’ve had a drug laundering bar go bust and detained by police, I've had shipments stolen and tampered with before being redistributed under someone else’s name…” He looked at his watch briefly.

“All within… Nearly two weeks.” He tutted, “I think that’s a track record, considering the man that’s supposedly proud of me handled everything with the utmost ease…”

“Your father was…” Junmyeon trailed off for a second before Sehun cut in.

“A horrible man, a narcissist, a murderer, a criminal,” Sehun’s eyes danced with mirth that wasn’t pleasant to look at, the sarcastic yet jovial stance didn’t settle well with Junmyeon’s stomach in the slightest.

“He was your father, he raised you,” Junmyeon concurred, “We may not have the most settling of up bringing’s, but this is our world – you know that.”

“Actually, nannies raised me,” Sehun retorted sarcastically. “Stop spending so much time with Baekhyun,” Junmyeon rolled his eyes, “You know what I meant.”

“I’m going to be very plain with you, Jun,” Sehun spoke honestly, sliding his hands into his pockets while he gazed out at the fields in front of the compound, “Your world and mine and very different…”

“How so?” Junmyeon asked, his eyebrow raised, “We grew up in the same circles.”

“The difference is that you were your father’s golden boy…” Sehun started with a sigh, “He wanted you to better yourself, be a part of this world – you belong here because you want to be.”

“And you don’t?” Jun wasn’t mad, “Is it that insufferable to be here doing this?”

“I didn’t get a choice,” Sehun chewed on his lip, “From the moment I was even conceptualised I had everything laid out for me, not a say otherwise… It’s heavy guilt to carry.”

“You’re hardly worse off because of it,” Junmyeon shrugged, “It’s a heavy guilt that reaps rewards that only some men can dream of, that has to count for something.”

“Do you know why you have the job you do?” Sehun asked off-topic.

“Because Baekhyun said no?” Jun frowned slightly.

“That…” Sehun chuckled faintly, “And because you’re the only man who can do the job; otherwise I would have run off years ago, and you know fine well Baekhyun would have let me.”

“Baekhyun would let you burn the city if it meant he could fight off a chill,” Junmyeon hummed, “Byun’s good at what he does, but I still don’t get where you’re going with this.”

“Where I’m going with this is that I have a very horrible feeling,” Sehun sighed.

“About tomorrow…?” Jun asked, leaving the man to leave against his desk.

“Not just about tomorrow,” Sehun sighed, telling a lie that not even his closest brother needed to know, “That’s just another showboat to get the families back on my side; I mean in general.”

“Check my top drawer…” Sehun nodded to his desk.

There was a passage of silence between the two while Junmyeon plucked a thick envelope out of Sehun’s desk; the usual matte black being replaced with a crisp crème, the silver tree of life taunting the man with its presence.

“Is this…” Junmyeon said in disbelief.

“It’s not a will…” Sehun sighed, “Think of it as the next course of action in case of an untimely demise of any kind.”

“Sehun…” Junmyeon started, “You can’t be serious.”

“I am, very…” He sighed “It’s just a precaution that’s all,”

“Listen,” Junmyeon sighed, tossing the documents back into the drawer, “I get it's hard; things aren’t ideal right now and we’re all running with our heads off but even Rome wasn’t built in a day, there’s going to be mishaps.”

Sehun hummed with a smirk on his lips.

“But it burned in one.”

After your spat with Baekhyun in his office, you assumed that your next day off would be spent finally relaxing into your couch while the world passed around you – but as you occupied yourself early Wednesday morning, you felt a wash of confusion bathe over you at the sound of a knocking door. A sigh passing out your lips as you tossed your dishtowel down to investigate.  Taking a breath before opening the door your smile felt like it dropped as you caught glimpse of who was on the other side.

“Joohyun,” You asked, shocked at the women who was giving you a dazzling smile on the other side of the wood frame, “What are you doing here?” You stuttered softly looking at her.

Dressed in woollen coat, black turtleneck, and grey slacks - she looked like a million dollars, especially considering it was 9 in the morning.

“We’re going out,” She grinned, pushing herself into your apartment; looking around with a look of approval, “Homely, very you.” It took you a second to process what she said while you closed the door.

“Out?” You echoed, “Where, or more so, why?”

“Well…” She smirked softly, “A little birdie, told me you need a dress, don’t you?” You deflated slightly.

“He was being serious about it wasn’t he,” You sighed turning to look at the woman who made herself very at home looking at everything you had on display; more so the pictures that sat on your bookcase. “Listen Joohyun, I appreciate the help but-.”

“Handsome guy, your boyfriend?” She cut you off completely, changing the topic to what she wanted to talk about; she was holding up an old photo that you knew was your old friends, or more so yours and Jeonghan’s old friends. “The two of you look cosy,” She smiled.

Rushing over slightly you plucked the frame out of her hand to rest back on the shelf, a look passing over your face at your boss; her easy smile giving you a sense that she wasn’t being completely honest.

“Ex. Now, what are you doing here really?” She quizzed, looking at the woman who huffed slightly.

“Ex hmm…Like I said, you need a dress and I’m here to help.” She coolly breezed past you to keep looking around, “No offence but you don’t exactly scream that you’re knowledgeable on black tie events.” She laughed softly.

“Baekhyun said he’d provide the dress, he didn’t mention shopping,” You sighed, looking at her as she smiled softly at an old stuffed toy you kept on the couch as a makeshift cushion.

“Baekhyun doesn’t mention much,” Joohyun turned from what she was looking at to beam at you, “Again, hence why I am here and I’m not leaving this apartment without you.”

“Joo…” You started but she shushed you.

“You’re going, Baekhyun even offered to pay if you’re unsure about prices,” She smirked softly, plucking a card from her coat pocket, “Piece of cake.”

“Do I not get a choice?” You asked defeatedly.

“Let me think,” She smiled, “No.” A tinkering laugh spilt from her lips, looking at her, she painted herself with the vision of an angel; a halo practically glowing from the crown of her perfect hair.  

“Give me five minutes,” You rolled your tongue in your cheek slightly, shaking your head as you beelined for your room.

“You have two!” She cackled softly, clearly going back to her snooping.

“Of course, I do…”

After being rushed out the house by the excitable Joohyun, you couldn’t help by smile at her softly as she linked her arm with yours; the two of your taking public transport like two friends who had known each other for years, it was wholesome to an extent, but there was an underlying feeling behind it all.

Joohyun had rightfully taken you to the richer part of town, the one that was lined with designer shops that had a price tag worth a year of your rent; her ecstatic voice talking your ears off as you two strolled down the pristine street.

“We’re here for your dress, but I have a few things I want to get!” She grinned, “We’re gonna get you the whole package; dress, shoes, jewellery, the works!”

“Is Baekhyun okay with this?” You quizzed slightly, looking around at the people who were looking at the two of you, “I mean this is a lot of money,”

“Between you and me,” She mumbled with a smirk, stopping in front of a very fancy looking store, ‘The Kingdom’ written across a crème signage in beautiful modern letters, “Baekhyun’s more than good for it, the card he gave me probably doesn’t max out until into the millions…”

“He really has that much?” You frowned softly.

“He’s a gang member, silly, and the son of one of the richest men in the world,” She smirked at you widely, “Of course he has that much, now come on…” She tugged your hand with a smile, watching at the security guard opened the door for the two of you with a polite smile.

“Ladies.” He nodded, while the two of you strolled in.

Clothing of all sorts lined the racks in a spacey fashion, giving the customer room to glance at the garments without having to struggle with anything else; but Joo didn’t give you enough time to look at anything before she was tugging you to the back of the store, an array of dresses picking up in your peripherals.

“This is where the money is,” Joohyun smile brightly, gesturing to the dresses, “Let’s get looking…”

After talking briefly the two of you concurred that due to the fact you didn’t want to be there, it was probably best to stick to a black dress; something to blend in with but something that wasn’t a gaudy colour at the same time, minimalist yet sophisticated. The store attendant had bothered you both a few times to ask if you needed help but each time Joohyun shooed her away with a smile, telling the sour-faced woman that she had it handled; and that she did.

It took merely 15 minutes before Joohyun was shoving you into a fancy fitting room; one the size of a small bedroom while she talked to the woman in charge about getting your size for other dresses that had caught her eye. The room had a podium in the centre of it that directly looked at a series of huge mirrors, while a silk curtains off to the side hide where you were supposed to change; yours and Joohyun bags swung unceremoniously over the chairs for the waiting husbands. There was an air of discomfort in your chest you ran your fingers over the lux fabrics of all the dresses, a small pang in your heart feeling disgusting just being here. This wasn’t your world, and to some degree, you couldn’t understand how it could be anyone’s but as you picked up the first dress, you figured you had to live with it for a while.  

By the time you’d managed to get into the first dress, Joohyun and all her tyrannic dress tendencies were back in the room, her nose turning up slightly at the first dress you tried on. It was a beautiful sheer cream with a colourful shift to it that glinted softly in the light, the airiness of the tulle looking ethereal as the modest bust line squared off into spaghetti straps – it was a lovely dress but.

“It looks like a prom dress,” Joohyun giggled softly, cutting off your inner thoughts, “A very expensive prom dress…”  

“I thought so too,” You tried to smile softly, but it looked more like a grimace in the mirrors, your eyes catching your companions as she came up behind you in the mirror.

“Smile,” She tugged softly at your cheek, “We’re having fun.”

“This just isn’t me,” You said honestly, looking yourself up and down in the mirror, “I don’t do fancy dresses and cocktails with associates,” She jokingly rolled her eyes at the word associates.

“Honestly,” She adjusted the dress slightly, “Neither do I, this is a favour to Baekhyun…”

“So, you’re telling me you don’t want to be in an overpriced store with me on a Wednesday morning?” You hummed softly with a smile.

“No,” she stage whispered to you, “I like you but I’d rather hang out doing something a bit more productive than shopping with snobs, but hey – I really wanted that new coat” She winked.

“Will you be there?” You asked her, catching her eye.

“Where,” She hummed not looking at you, and instead, rearranging the skirt to the dress you both agreed was ugly.

“Friday,” You raised a brow, “Will you be there?” She held her breath slightly before she sighed.

“I won’t lie to you,” She nodded, “I won’t be there Friday, I don’t…” She struggled with the words for a second before continuing.

“I don’t belong there, it’s not my world and I’m not welcomed,” She smiled softly, but it wasn’t real, “I’m a bartender, not a socialite.”

“I’m not either,” You frowned, “I just thought you and Baekhyun seemed close…”

“We are,” She smiled sadly, “I owe that man more than I can ever thank him for, but his world isn’t mine – I don’t fool myself into believing I could be part of it either.” She placed her hands on your shoulders, the warmth radiating into your bones; much like her personality.

“But how?” You were still frowning, “He’s so…”

“Crass? Sarcastic? Pig headed?” She smiled, “That’s just him, we have an understanding…”

“You on the other hand,” She hummed softly looking at your shoulders, “I saw some security tapes the other day – Oh Sehun?” Her eyebrow raised while you flushed softly.

“He drove me home, I had to ask him some stuff…” You breathed softly, “It’s not like that, I don’t know him.”

“But he knows you?” She clicked her tongue softly, looking much like an older sister would, “I won’t tell you what to do, it’s your life but you need to be careful.”

“I know that,” You trailed slightly, but she didn’t give you time to explain as she spun you around to face her, your eyes looking down at her own.

“No, I don’t think you do,” She was frowning, “This isn’t some cheap book plot where a dangerous man falls for an innocent girl and the world does another rotation like nothing is wrong,” She stressed softly.

“He is a very dangerous man who is a part of a very dangerous gang, y/n…” She pursed her lips together, hands tightening on your shoulders, “They’re all dangerous, one wrong move and police are finding your body in a back ally with no clue who did it.”

“He shot up the bar you worked in,” She stressed to you, “Stop and think about that for a second before you get all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the man, there is no way that this ends well for anyone, especially not you…” Her voice trailed off slightly, cracking almost at the end.

“Speaking from experience?” Your own voice cracked softly as you took in her words, a sad smile passing over her face.

“Go to the party, do as Baekhyun says…” She said softly, stroking your shoulder now instead of gripping it, “But you can’t let your heads get in the clouds about this, you’re being blind-sighted… You can’t fall for Sehun.” It was the first time she had said his name and you wanted to flinch hearing it.

“You work for them though?” You asked her truthfully.

“I work for Baekhyun, he’s no better… But I owe him,” She smiled sadly again, “I’m telling you this as your friend,”

“I know…” You smiled delicately at her, “I know you are; I’ll be careful – things right now… They’re complicated.”

“Promise me.” She demanded softly, “Anything goes wrong, you come to me.”

“I promise you, Joohyun,” You touched her hands softly, “Anything wrong, I’ll come straight to you.”

“Good,” She smiled, pushing a stray hair from your face like a mother would, “Let’s find you a dress huh?”

“I think I have the perfect thing…”

TRANSACTION: $10,000

Baekhyun grimaced as he looked at the notification that popped up on his phone during the meeting, the device buzzing with his bank app loudly on the table as Sehun; the grumpy man he was, was explaining the plans for Friday evening.

“Important?” Sehun’s brow ticked softly from the head of the table while Minseok stifled a laugh from beside him, “Or would you like us to pause while you take a message?”

“Sorry dad,” Baekhyun smirked slightly, sliding the device off the table and into his pocket – or he would have if Minseok didn’t decide it was a wonderful idea to pinch it out of his hand before he could.

“$10k, how are you spending money while you’re here?” He whistled lowly, before the device buzzed again, “Oh look at that, another one for $5k, what are you up to Byun.” He tossed the device back at the man who barely managed to catch it over the knock to his fiscal funds.

“I gave Joohyun my credit card,” He stuffed the offending device in his pocket before looking at his brothers, “I believe we were in a meeting or is it break time” He gestured to the papers over the table with a look, while the rest of them looked at him quizzically.

“I’ll bite,” Sehun smirked softly, “$15k in mere seconds, is she preparing to rob you dry?” Baekhyun rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know, you tell me, Oh?” Baekhyun tightened his mouth slightly, “Or was forging my invitations and paying for your little friend to come to this god-awful party not enough for you?” Baekhyun smirked softly as Sehun’s face tightened a bit, only something he would notice.

“I have no reason to forge anything of yours, Byun.” Sehun chuckled with an easy smirk while Junmyeon sighed slightly tossing his pen down, “And I certainly didn’t invite her, have you tried our resident stab wound victim?” He gestured to Chanyeol’s empty seat.

“Can’t we just have a nice family meeting? Just once?” Junmyeon rubbed his temple slightly, “Or is your own security measures beneath all of you?”

“He started it,” Baekhyun smirked, “Sorry Dad number 2,” Minseok chuckled beside him again while Jongdae did the same from across him.

“If you’re up to something, just don’t let me hear it,” He spoke out but everyone knew who it was directed at, “It’s bad enough we’re all gathering on Friday if anyone of you fucks that up then it's directly on you.”

“Oh, he said a swear,” Baekhyun chuckled, while Yixing cut in – the man relaxing like he was the one that one the place on the other end of the table.

“Do we still have that swear jar?” Yixing teased, sipping on his coffee.

“No,” Jongin hummed, “We got rid of that after Baekhyun’s last trip home, you can only deposit so much into it before it becomes another bank account,” The man had an easy smirk on his face.

The bantering stopped for a second while the double doors opened again, Taeyong and Johnny letting in a very haggard looking Chanyeol – the evidence that the man just woke up still on his face.

“That’s a record,” Sehun hummed with a tone that wasn’t biting for once, “Only 2 hours late,”

“Slept in,” Chanyeol grumbled while Jongdae slid the man a coffee.

“No, we thought you were off running to be the cities next murder victim again,” Baekhyun grinned at the man who merely passed him a glare, whatever had been eating at him wasn’t as bad but Baekhyun couldn’t tell if the stab wound was just worse.

“No threatening doctor and cute nurse to patch you up this time,” Jongin laughed softly.

“How are you feeling, Yeol?” Yixing asked him with a slight smile, to try and ease the teasing but Chanyeol wasn’t having any of that.

“Like I’ve been stabbed, Yixing.” He spoke with a dead look on his face.

“That’s great,” Minseok chuckled, “We’d worry if you felt like anything else,” Chanyeol rolled his eyes, before looking at Sehun.

“Sorry I’m late,” He nodded while Sehun looked confused, Chanyeol seldomly apologised for… anything.

“It’s fine…” Sehun looked at his brothers, “Did stabbing you give you manners or something?”

“If that’s the case, I get to stab Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo smile slightly at the man in question, “Lord knows he could use it”

“I think my attitude is character building,” Baekhyun was offended for a second while Junmyeon cut in.

“Are you okay?” He asked Chanyeol.

“Yes,” Yeol sighed, “Just in a bit of pain that’s all, it’s nothing really”

“Well if that’s the case…” Junmyeon nodded to Sehun to continue.

“We’re discussing Friday,” Sehun confirmed, “That’s if you’re still coming,”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Chanyeol smile tensely, “Is it on my schedule to get verbally abused by Mr Byun and his wife? Or do I just get jumped with that again,” Baekhyun pulled a face.

“Could be worse,” Jongdae hummed, “You could have to listen to Mr Kim’s all inspiring speeches again, solidarity is key remember?” Junmyeon chuckled faintly at that.

“Will your mother be there?” Baekhyun asked Sehun, who flicked is brows up faintly before answering, “Please say no,”

“Sadly, yes – She has things to discuss with me” He hummed.

The boys all pulled a face at that, the ex-gang mother wasn’t the most pleasant to be around; especially after her husband died, the hidden verbal lashing that Sehun got every time he saw her was enough to make any of the boys want to stay away. Mrs Oh had a clear vision from her husband how they wanted things in Exodus to run, and the current line-up of boys wasn’t exactly the best on delivering that, she lived about 4 hours away from the city which made their lives easier to deal with, but when she was here, lord, was she here.

“She’s not going to make us scrub this place again, is she?” Minseok flinched, “I don’t know if I can live with the smell of chemicals ingrained in my nose again.”

“My mother won’t be here this time, relax,” Sehun rolled his eyes, the woman had an affinity to use his brothers to the bone – especially the “adopted” ones, “She’s staying with the Byun’s for a few days, told her that it wasn’t worth travelling into the woods to stay here when she’d only have to travel back out.” He waved his hand slightly.

“Back to the matter at hand,” He sighed slightly, “Rooftop looks directly onto the ballroom, someone has to post up there otherwise whoever wants could take a clear aim in,”

“Post up two of my father’s security,” Baekhyun waved his hand slightly, “He owns that building so I doubt an attacker would try to break into that, considering its rife with security anyway.” “Two of your dad’s men then,” Sehun mumbled slightly, writing it down, “I think it goes without saying that I expect you all on your best behaviour, right?” He said again not looking up from the paper yet.

“This is an important night, and I expect the 6 of you to understand that,” Sehun said casually, “One mess up and its trouble, am I clear?”

“Just 6? Why not 8,” Baekhyun asked as the rest of his brothers sighed at once, telling him to shut up.

“Two of you don’t get on my nerves, I asked If I’m understood?” Sehun asked again.

“Crystal clear, sir.”

Walking around the nicer side of town might not have been your forte exactly, but you had to admit that Joohyun, regardless of the earlier talk, had made the day very enjoyable, even if she wouldn’t let you see the receipt of it all. The outfit and such were eventually forgotten as soon as it was bagged, the woman on a mission not very intent on spending her boss’s money to fulfil whatever need she had now. It had started with lunch at an upscale restaurant that you’d only seen businessmen and rich girls eating at, yourself and your newfound friend making fun of the menu whenever you could, making sure that Baekhyun fed you two the best- regardless of price.

It was fun, it was even fun when Joohyun decided it was now time to drag you around the stores she wanted to, her tiny body bursting with excitement as she found the things she wanted and tried them on in turn – her stature fitting into the world more than she gave it credit for, something you noted as you watched her try on a very expensive jacket that she just insisted on having.

She made the area seem normal to you, that the people here could have personalities beyond their bank accounts – while you understood clearly, she wasn’t from around here, if someone told for a second, that she was, you’d believe them wholeheartedly. Someone that like doesn’t just stumble into things like this.

Eventually, the day had to come to an end, when evening struck after getting dinner at a slightly less upscale restaurant in freight to spare Baekhyun his bank account, the two of you parted ways – thousands in bag expenditure in toll. It was a nice evening, especially considering it was now the end of October, the chill settling into the air as it belonged once again. It wasn’t exactly the easiest thing on your small apartment, considering the heating system tanked itself every winter without a fail – but it was something to live with, all the smalls things you noted as you hiked up the 5 floors to your apartment.

However, what you weren’t expecting was the shape of a hooded body standing outside your door; a male figure leaning up against the old wood like he was waiting for someone. Approaching closer, you let out a small breath as you managed to see a small tuff of blonde sticking out from under the black hoodie, a small smile passing your lips.

“Do you make a habit of camping outside of doors now?” You teased slightly as the figure jumped into action, spilling to face you in slight shock, “Or does being a doctor not give you enough gratification?”

“Maybe if you learned to answer your phone, you’d know I was here,” Jeonghan smiled slightly, holding up a bag and a few bottles, “I brought food,”

“I was out with a friend,” You chuckled softly nudging past him to open the door, the warmth from his body comforting as you wrestled with the wood to get open, “You’re dressed comfortable, day off?” You shoved the door open with a smile, nodding for him to go in before following.

“It’s not one of your… Criminal friends is it?” He frowned softly placing the stuff he brought on the coffee table, glancing at the bags in your hand with curiosity, “Yeah, it was my day off today…What are those?” He gestured to your bags.

“I didn’t peg you as a designer person,” You rolled your eyes as you walked to place them just in the entryway of your door, out of his sight.

“Someone from work, a girl named Joohyun,” You shook your head softly, flicking on the lights to your living room while he made himself comfortable, “And I’m not, it’s for… work,” You nodded rolling with your lie.  

“Work requires a heavy price tag dress?” He raised his eyebrow at you while passing you various food items; Chinese food and booze, just want you needed after today, “I know you work at a nice club but I didn’t think it required 3k dresses,” He chuckled faintly passing you chopsticks.

“How do you know how much dresses there are,” You smirked faintly, breaking the chopsticks to tuck into the food he got you, “Or is that doctor perks? Attract some rich girls and have to hear all about it,” If he wanted to talk about it more, he decided to drop it instead.

“I don’t do rich girls,” He smirked softly leaning back into your couch with a small sigh, the tiredness of his job written on his face, “And I certainly don’t have time to date,” You laughed softly, tucking into your food.

“Don’t let them hear that, imagine the heartbreak?” You stifled a laugh, “The good doctor Yoon Jeonghan not on the market? The outcry,”

“I do not have the affect women that you think I have,” He laughed easily back at you, eating his food at your pace.

“Relatively tall, blonde, even if it's fake,” You winked, “Career, well mannered, funny, I’d say you were a steal,” He smiled faintly

“You’d know,” He hummed, looking at the table before tossing you a fortune cookie, “Open it” He nodded at it while you looked at him.

“Really, you force me to eat now you want to know my fortune too?” You smirked teasingly at him, “Admit it, sleeping all day doesn’t do it for you anymore,”

“Just open it,” He rolled his eyes, “And for your information, sleeping all day works fine but I’m a doctor, we don’t get that pleasure anymore.”

“Romance follows you if you can only see it,” You repeated to him while looking at the small slip of paper, “Oh and lottery numbers, think we can strike gold this time?” You went to smile at him, but he was already looking at you.

“Jeonghan?” You frowned softly, “What’s wrong.”

“There’s a reason I’m here,” He sighed softly, placing down his food, “It’s about the other day with… them.”

“Jeonghan we’ve been over this,” You sighed, “You were right in acting how you did, regardless if it was stupid – I sprung this on you and lied about who you were treating…”

“It’s not that,” He waved his hand and reached into his pocket, placing something on the table as your frown grew, “I found this in my locker at work.”

“I think someone is following me.”

Joohyun had managed to keep her word and found you the perfect outfit for the night, the dress you were being forced to wear fitting you like it was made for your as the black fabric caressed your body like a whisper of velvet. It was a picturesque floor-length gown clung beautifully to your torso and upper hips before falling naturally around your legs and to the grown; no pleating or draping was needed as the fabric fell and swayed with your natural shape – accentuated by a lower back and a bold silver exposed zipper, the shape and the thin straps at the shoulders spoke of its modernity while also holding strong to the type of event.

“Wow…” You breathed to yourself in the mirror, running your hands over the soft velvet that made your hips look goddess-like, your feet pushing into insanely high heels picked the end of the dress up just enough that only a small pool of fabric trailed as you walked, it was a work of modern art being worn.

Your décolleté was kept open, letting the skin being shown doing the taking - a thin diamond choker adorning your neck instead of chunky jewellery; the jewels so small that they glinted in the lights like glitter, with a thin matching bracelet and ring, you looked like you were worth more than the apartment you were standing it. A heavy wool coat was to be your small protection from the chill that was spilling outside, the item clutched in your hands along with your clutch as you waited by the door for your ride.

As promised, Baekhyun had a messaged passed onto you earlier reminding you that the car would be there at exactly 6:45 pm and no later, and while you stood looking at the clock in your entryway; that was confirmed as your door rattled softly at exactly 6:45 pm. It was hard to stop your hand shaking a little as you opened the wood, but you let out a small breath as the man on the other side.

“Your ride,” The man greeted you with a smile, his black hair looking much like the material of your dress as it fell over his forehead softly, “I’m Doyoung, I’ll be your chauffeur for tonight.” He nodded while gesturing to the hallway to get a move on.

“Pleasure,” You nodded softly, stepping out into the cold open balcony, quickly shuffling your coat on as you locked the door behind you, checking a few times to make sure it was closed before following the man – who was now waiting right next to the elevator, a small grimace passing on your face.

“Not a fan?” He asked, when you caught up to him, shuffling into the old thing with a sigh, his finger quick on pressing the button for the ground floor.

“Not exactly,” You hummed, the two of you looking extremely out of place in the rundown elevator; you in your dress and him in his suit, contrasting with the poverty of the place immensely.

The conversation between you was few and far between as he led you out to the car, your throat seizing slightly as you registered it as one of the cars that they kept in the compound; your brain remembering your escape with the gun that led you to blow out a few windows.

Doyoung was ever the gentleman as he opened the back door up for you, gesturing for you to get in; the leather of the seating warming to your body as he’d left the heating on to keep you comfortable. Night had settled onto the city early, with winter approaching fast, it was almost night to see the lights dance on the skylight by 5 pm, but you couldn’t appreciate them as the car started to take off, your fingers deftly buckling yourself in as you tried your best to relax.

“You’re nervous,” Doyoung commented after a few minutes of driving, glancing at you in the rear-view mirror.

“A bit,” You sighed looking out the window, watching the city get more and more expensive with each mile taken, “This isn’t exactly my scene,”

“You don’t say,” He hummed stopping at a light, “Well, when I left they were inviting the more important members in for pre-drinks, there’s gonna be a lot of people there – I’m sure you can blend into the background.” He assured you.

“But,” He continued before you could say anything, “It’s not every day Baekhyun asks me to pick someone up.” He smirked faintly, but there was no ill intent behind it.

“Guess this isn’t just your usual day then,” You gulped, swallowing the stomach bile that was threatening to creep out of your oesophagus any second.

“Guess it’s not,” He echoed to you.

The car went silent after that, the hum of the engine filling the void for a while – at least until you noticed that you were creeping closer and closer to the houses in the city that cost more than you could even imagine; their large yet still old detached building making a home in the bustle of lights and decay of a usual city. They were the diamonds in the rough, their millions coating the walls like paint and pebbles on their driveways.

“Byun City estate,” Doyoung confirmed as he began to pull up to the only house that had its gates open, the lights from the place causing a gentle yellow hue in the night sky.

The driveway was a bit extensive as Doyoung slowly followed a car that was in front of yours, but it still felt like time was moving faster than light at the door to the establishment crept closer and closer. Two very heavily armed guards standing at the old double doors, ready to weed the ones who weren’t supposed to be here out in seconds.

Your heart seized in your chest as the car came to a stop in front of the stairs, Doyoung quickly getting out to open your door for you; holding his hand out for you to take as your feel footing into the unknown began.

“Breathe,” He said quietly, hoisting you out the car as the stones underneath you created unstable ground.

The air felt crisp against your lungs as you took a moment to look around, the hair settling your stomach as the white curls spilling from your lips at your warmth met the cold air – it as a short-lived moment of peace however as Doyoung nudged you slightly to the door, another gulped passing down your throat as you ascended the stairs; the man who drove you falling back into the car to park it somewhere else.

The guards were sizing you up as you approached them, a glance at the foyer inside bustling with people and more of them were behind you getting out of their respective vehicles; this was a legit event. The guard closest to you was about to ask for your name when it was called out instead. The man of the untimely hour, walking closer to the doors to get a look at you as a stressed look settled into his eyes.

Byun Baekhyun. He was dressed a lot more formal than you’d seen him previously; his usual garb traded for a dark suit and tie, the black making the fact his hair was a shade of light brown looking all the nicer. It fitted him well, he wasn’t the tallest in the world, but the suit gave him an air that said regardless of height he was dangerous; something the guards noted at the broke formation slightly to let the man past. A sigh passing his lips as he approached you, his hand instantly resting on your back you were ushered into the place. He was quick in giving your jacket to a coat attendant while he was rushing you in.

“You’re late,” He grumbled, looking at his watch accusingly, “Its 7:02,” He looked down at you while he walked you in.

It wasn’t a fairy tale moment that people often made these things out to be, no one stopped to stare and no one gave a shit who walked in and you appreciated that more than anything; people stopped to star at Baekhyun but that’s only because they probably have the information that this was his family home.

“I wasn’t aware that it was dire time?” You frowned softly while looking at everything you could. The black, white, and cream decorations looking fantastic in the grand foyer; the checkboard floor one of the key pieces while Baekhyun led you around to another set of double doors, “You look nice,” You grudgingly added on.

“I saved you the issue of listening to pointless speeches,” He flicked his eyebrows up slightly, “You could at least make it here a bit quicker.”

The doors opened into what you could only describe as a grand ballroom, the checkerboard pattered from the foyer carrying into the room beautifully; it was lined with numerous windows that let the nigh time in like a dream, the warm lights glinting off of every polish surface. Holding the room together was a series of roman pillars that kept the up the stairs in its places; the only way to get there is a grand staircase that was off to the side of the room. You would have caught a glimpse at the people on the stairs if Baekhyun hadn’t tugged you to the furthest away he could manage.

“I know what you’re doing,” He fake smiled at someone the two of you passed, his hand still firmly on your lower back, “He’s busy, look later.”

“Where are you taking me,” You hissed back, glancing up at him.

“To your babysitter for the night,” He said collectedly, “I refuse to let you embarrass yourself under my name,”

“I am 22, I know social cues,” You huffed quietly at him.

“Knowing social cues is not gawking at the décor like you’ve never seen it before,” Baekhyun mumbled back, before grinning at someone in passing again.

“Then who the hell is my babysitter?” You asked him quietly, trying to smile at the people looking at the two of you.

Wrapping his arm around you to pull you up next to him, Baekhyun grinned briefly before gesturing.

Chanyeol.

“He is,” Baekhyun smiled tensely, “Now we know this isn’t his first job at this.”

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol rolled his eyes, suited up much like the man her was referring to was.

“Hi, Chanyeol,” You smiled at him, looking a lot better than the last time you saw him, “You clean up nice, even if you have a fire truck on your head.” You chuckled softly while a ghost of a smile came on his mouth.

“Great, now that we know this is going to work lovely,” Baekhyun pushed you into Chanyeol, your feet barely stumping before you were caught by the taller man, “I’ve got a meltdown to avoid, go dance with her while I do that.” Looking up you noticed Chanyeol rolling his eyes.

“He is…” You watched his quick walk away, ducking away from a man that looked scarily like him before turning back to Chanyeol, “Is he okay?”

“Is he ever?” Chanyeol straightened you out, watching where the man was walking before turning to you with a slight smile, “You look good, you clean up well.”

“Can’t exactly look like a measly bartender here, can I?” You smirked softly, something he chuckled at.

“Don’t think that would go down with anyone here,” He gestured to the servers that were handing out flutes of champagne, “Or you’d be in a doing that.”

“Rich people,” You mumbled slightly, passing a smile at one of the workers, “This doesn’t seem as bad as I thought,”

“You’ve not been here that long,” Chanyeol rolled his eyes, “You missed the boring speeches, and having to deal with the families,”

“That bad?” You frowned softly, something he took your arm to and turned you around to look at all the people; a mixture of them dancing to the music that was playing and a mixture of them conversing, turning you slightly you watched as Chanyeol leaned down as whispered to you.

“Stairs at 2 o’clock,” He mumbled as your eyes flicked to them, getting the shape of Sehun standing on the stairs with a much older woman beside him; her face familiar.

“Mrs Oh,” Chanyeol confirmed, “Has kicked off 3 times since she got here, has been in the office all day ranting about things.” Adjusting you again, he pointed to where Baekhyun had headed; the man in question standing with two other men and woman, only two of them looking scarily like him.

“Baekhyun’s family,” Chanyeol confirmed, “I don’t bother myself with them, none of them like me, but they do love to berate him…”

“Things aren’t always what you hear, you need to take time to look around sometimes,” Chanyeol confirmed slightly.

“That’s poetic coming from you,” You hummed, looking around before pointing at Jeonghwa and Yixing, “Who pissed her off?” You asked.

“Who do you think?” Chanyeol’s chest rumbled from behind you, “He’s standing on the stairs looking like he’s ready to throw himself off them.” You shook your head slightly.

“And how are you feeling?” You asked, “My eyes tell me one thing, but I’ve heard something else”

“Dance with me first,” You could hear a smile in his voice, “And then maybe I’ll feel inclined to talk about myself.”

“Lead the way”, Turning around instantly you held your hand out to him with a nod and a smile.

He merely just faintly smiled before he tugged you towards the space that was meant for dancing – couples of all sorts dancing to the music that was gently playing from the speakers, orchestral but with somewhat of a modern flair. Chanyeol wasted no time, grabbing your other hand he settled the two of you into position, just off the main throng of people; Your hand was delicately placed on his shoulder while he grasped the other one in his hand, his sliding onto your waist – it was intimate enough for conversation but there was still a respectful distance.

“Will you tell me now?” You looked up at him to ask, while he looked over your head, taking everything in, “Or were you just respecting Baekhyun’s orders.”

“What’s a party if you stay in a corner all night?” He asked, “But to answer your question, I’m fine – the wound is healing nicely, thanks to you.”

“Thanks to Jeonghan,” You corrected him, “He done the stitching I merely just gave you some blankets,” He shrugged softly at the two of you danced slowly around the area you permitted yourself to.

“It’s the thought that counts,” He hummed.

“Would it kill you to just thank someone for once?” You raised an eyebrow at him, as he looked down at you briefly before looking away.

“I don’t like him,” Chanyeol stated, “Am I not allowed to do that?” You chuckled in disbelief.

“You don’t know him,” You smiled incredulously, “He done you a favour.”

“Do you like everyone you meet?” He asked you simply, “Is that part of the peppy package?”

“I’m not peppy,” You stated with a huff, looking around at the people around you, “I just give people chances.”

“But how many?” He countered you, “How many chances?”

“Enough to prove their worth,” You frowned at him, “God knows I’ve given you too many.” He smirked at that.

“And I gave your little boy toy a chance, he blew it,” Chanyeol announced, “I only do one, too many and well… You’re asking to get hurt.”

“He’d never hurt me, or you,” You raised an eyebrow at him, “He’s a doctor for god’s sake” He has an amused look on his face as the dance took you both into turning around, his head gesturing faintly to an older man who was by one of the pillars; his cheeks already reddened with the drink.

“Anyone can hurt anyone,” Chanyeol shrugged while there was a beat of silence.

“That man over there is a doctor,” Chanyeol stated, “Do you think he’d ever hurt someone?”

“I’d hope not,” You frowned, “But we’re also at a gang party,” You lowered your voice slightly.

“Ding, we have a winner,” He chuckled, “Profession doesn’t equal good, also doesn’t always equal bad, from what I know that man loves to get his hands dirty.”

“What’s your point,” You rolled your eyes, “What has this got to do with you not trusting Jeonghan?”

“What I’m saying, is that because you know someone doesn’t mean you know them, anyone can hurt you,” He chuckled faintly, “I gave your doctor a chance and saw something you don’t see,”

“Well, what did you see,” You frowned again.

“Something you’ll see in due time,” He nodded at someone who passed him.

“What is it will all of you and being fucking cryptic,” You mumbled, “Why can’t you just say what you mean.”

“There’s no fun in that,” Chanyeol snickered, “Then everyone knows what you’re talking about.”

“Fine, I have another question,” You threw your eyes back, “Who’s Yoora?”

“Oh, that’s how she’s playing,” He hummed, “Why do you want to know?”

“You called me that,” His jaw tensed slightly, “That night after you were stabbed before you passed out - so who is she?”

“My sister,” He licked his lips glancing down at you briefly, “Older.”

“Hmm...” You hummed, “So if I’m right, taking into consideration what Baekhyun said about you being miserable – you’re upset about more than a stab wound.”

“Me calling you her doesn’t mean anything,” He deflected with an eye-roll, “Blood loss makes us do funny things.”

“But you were thinking about her,” You countered.

“Is it a crime to think about your family?” He frowned slightly, “God imagine the prisons if that was the case,”

“It’s not a crime to think about your family, but adding onto everything else,” You thought carefully, “And the fact you haven’t seen her for nearly ten years, I’d page a guess something’s happened, am I wrong?” You smiled up at him, his own eyes giving you an unamused look.

“I believe that’s none of your business,” He said while spinning you around. “Just why are you here exactly?”

“I was invited,” You grinned.

“Whose smart idea was that?” He rolled his eyes but before he could pull you back in, you saw a hand rest over Chanyeol’s bicep stopping the movement.

“Mine,” Baekhyun said with a tense smile, “Mind if I cut in?” Chanyeol frowned slightly but stepped away, gesturing for him to take his spot.

“Nice dancing with you,” Chanyeol smile slightly at you, moving away to give his brother room.

“This isn’t over,” You countered while he walked away with a slight chuckle, but the jovial nature didn’t last long as Baekhyun tugged you towards him – the dancing style very different considering he was closer to your height.

“I thought Chanyeol was my babysitter,” You asked quietly noticing the tense air of the man, “Or is something wrong.”

“You’re good at reading people,” He spoke just as quiet as you, tugging you a bit closer to hear you, “Let’s just say I needed a small escape plan.”

“Family issues?” You asked, locking eyes with him.

“Something like that,” He sighed.

“Well…Do you want to talk about it?” You asked carefully, “You did come over here to me,”

“Not particularly,” Baekhyun’s mouth tightened slightly.

Sighing, you let the dance move into silence as he led you around, he was quite the dancer but your eyes were too busy drifting to be able to pay too much attention to it – instead of focusing on the pair dancing a few feet away; Sehun and Jeonghwa.

“I thought they were mad at each other,” You nodded slightly to them as Baekhyun’s head turned with a slight smirk.

“They’re always mad at each other,” He said, “It’s just part of their relationship.”

“Relationship,” You echoed slightly, “Some relationship.”

“Is the green-eyed monster knocking at your door?” He smirked again to which you rolled your eyes at.

“I don’t know him enough to be jealous,” You sighed, “Why does everyone keep assuming that.”

“Because no one looks at Oh Sehun with puppy eyes,” Baekhyun retorted, “People look at him with respect, fear, hate – but not lovesick puppy eyes.”

“But Jeonghwa-,” He cut you off.

“Jeonghwa looks at him like a task she needs to accomplish,” He stated looking over you, “I don’t think that woman has a romantic bone in her body.”

“But…” He started with a sarcastic edge, “I don’t often know people that fall for their kidnappers, is Stockholm Syndrome all the rage?”

“It’s not-,” He cut you off again, pulling you closer with a wicked smirk.

“In another world, I imagine the two of you would make quite the couple...” Baekhyun hummed, an air of severity dripping into the word, “But sadly this is our reality, and frankly... the future of it is being switched from a promise to a threat with you around.”

“So whatever idea’s you stored in your little head about how this all ends? It needs to stop,” He hissed softly, making it look like the two of you were just having a polite conversation. “This won’t end well for you.”

“Do you often lash out at people to deflect from your own problems?” You raised an eyebrow a him, “Does cutting someone else down for a second make you feel a fraction better about everything around you.”

“I enjoy watching the light in people’s eyes die,” He said sarcastically, “What can I say.”

“I don’t have any ideas about anything, Baekhyun,” You stated firmly, “I am here like you asked me to be, that’s it – after today it’ll never see any of you again besides work, sound good?”

“Sound’s perfect.” He hummed straightening back up.

The dance and the conversation trailed off to a finish the song started to die back down, a few people clapping slightly as the orchestra finished their piece; only a brief second passing before they started back up – Baekhyun being quick to release you, the people around you started to part, a figure emerging from the crowds.

Parting the crowds like the red sea was Sehun, fitted in a suit much more formal than his usual ones; the black fabric clinging to him in a way that let your mouth feeling a lot drier than it had done before; his hair that was usually pushed away from his face was parted off to the side with the front section only being slightly pushed away, the inky tresses falling around his forehead like ribbons of silk.

“Boss,” Baekhyun nodded slightly, glancing between you two, “What do I owe the pleasure.”

“Your brother is asking for you,” Sehun announced, nodding at you with a smile, “Taking care of our guest well?”

“Quite well,” Baekhyun edgily smiled, “If you’ll excuse me.”

“Excused,” Sehun smirked softly, making room for the walking man before turning to you, “Everything to your standard?”

“I don’t think my standard matters all that much,” You nodded slightly.

“Nonsense,” He chuckled faintly, “You’re probably one of the few people here that’s never seen this before, I’d like to know if we’re doing a good job.”

“It’s very nice, Sehun,” His name felt like sand in your mouth, “If you’ll excuse me, I do believe I had a conversation with someone to finished.” You said as you attempted to walk past him, but you jumped slightly as his hand caught your arm in a loose grip, tugged you back.

“Dance with me,” He stated, as you opened your mouth in slight shock.

“I think I’ve had enough, for now, you’re probably busy,” You explained as people started looking at the two of you.

“I wouldn’t ask otherwise,” He smiled easily at you, it was faint, but it was there. Sighing deeply, you nodded. Letting him take your hand and drag you back to him to get into position, only this time you were aware of where he was touching you as the two of you took off.

He was gazing down at you now, a vague sense of amusement dancing in his eyes; your own eyes barely managing to keep focused at the warm of his hand sitting casually on your waist; it was beautifully distracting. The moment felt more surreal than it was, the music feeling like it caressed one ear and went straight back out the other as the two of you moved calmly to it, your heart in time with your steps magically; gliding across the floor with no care.

“You’re better at this than I thought” He hummed, plucking his eyes away from yours to peer over your head, the warmth of his breath hitting your forehead softly, he was closer than the other two, as he spoke, “Maybe you’re made for these sorts of things.” You scoffed at that.

“You don’t know me that well,” He was close enough to the point his aftershave was making a home in your senses, “I actually can think of a million other things I’d rather be doing right now.” He chuckled at that.

“I don’t know you that well,” He repeated with a smirk, “But I can tell you’re an excellent liar,” His eye’s flicked down at yours again briefly as his voice lowered to a tone only, you’d hear.

“We need those sorts of people around here.” He tutted softly.

“I’m not a liar,” You pursed your lips softly, “And I’m not joining your little… club” You raised an eyebrow at him as you looked up at him, his face very much looking down at you as your forehead brushed his nose.

“See that’s where you’re wrong, you are a liar, and a bold-faced one at that,” He smirked softly, “And I don’t think you’re cut out for my little…club” He mimicked you.

“How am I the liar?” You sniped at him while he chuckled, "When you're right here?"

“It’s in your eyes,” He stated, “You’re lying about something, and a part of me wants to know what that is.”

“You don’t need to know everything,” You countered him, “I’m nothing to do with you.”

“You’re at my party,” He hummed, “You also work at my bar, I’d say that’s pretty involved.”

“But why is that?” You caught his eye as you stared him down, “Why do I work for you? why am I here? I have just as many questions as you.” He tittered at that.

“Why do you think I’m the only one involved? And I told you why you’re working for me, or did you forget our little car ride?” He chuckled pulling you a bit closer, “You’re so full of questions but you don’t have the backbone to ask them.”

“I do have a backbone,” You looked away from him, “For normal people things, like making sure I get an order right or getting a refund – not dealing with people like you.”

“Am I not a normal person?” He asked, “I thought the term normal was relative?”

“You’re insufferable,” You scoffed, “Why does everyone here dance around their words?”

“Because if anyone tells you what they mean, they’ll have to kill you,” He stated simply.

“See, that’s not normal,” You gulped softly, “None of this is.”

“To you,” Sehun countered, “I think this is perfectly normal,”

“The world doesn’t revolve around you,” You rolled your eyes at him.

“My world does,” He smirked at you as he held your gaze, looking around your face for a second while it softened.

His eyes were like barrels of warm whiskey if you caught them in the right light, but the intensity came from the fact that Sehun had a knack for looking at you like he was trying to peel back every layer of you in mere seconds and without words. It was charming to see someone want to figure out something they couldn’t understand, to have that attention on you for long enough to know that they were really looking at you.

“You look beautiful,” He said quietly, “I haven’t said that to you yet.”

“You look good yourself,” you gulped softly as you looked back at him, remembering every little thing that made him…Him.

“I wasn’t lying,” He said quietly, “You do fit in here – even if it doesn’t feel like it, most people would have bailed at the door.”

“I was asked to be here so I am,” You nodded slightly, “Least I could do I guess…”

“Baekhyun talked to me about the meddling,” He hummed slightly, “Apologies, I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again, I said that to you before…”

“Who sent the invitation?” You frowned softly, his eyes flicking to the small crease on your eyebrows as you did.

“Faintest clue…” He sighed, his eyes a bit more unreadable, “But does it matter now? You’re here”

“Yes, I am…” You said quietly, focusing back on the dance.

The two of you went back to dancing quietly as you mentally evaluated the situation, it was comfortable to be this close to him surprisingly – it almost felt right to be the person dancing with him, and that was dangerous. His chest was directly in your eyesight as you tried to focus on anything else but your dance partner, but he was insistent on talking.  

“You don’t make a lot of eye contact, do you?” He asked casually, releasing your waist slightly to tip your eyes up to meet his, his fingers holding your chin, “I’m no formal dancer but eye contact is a given”

“You’re tall,” You weakly said to try and simmer the conversation down, but he merely frowned using that same hand to move your hair away from your neck slightly – his warm palm resting on your neck as your eyes widened.

“What are you doing-,” You started.

“Shit.” He cut you off with a swear

The world around you blurred for a second, the feeling of his hand on your neck tossing you off to the side with him sending your mind into a spin as the sound of shattering glass suddenly filled the ballroom – the music cutting out fast. You could feel your face forced against Sehun’s as the man let out a pained grunt after the sound of something thudding into flesh filled your ears as well.

The cool feeling of marble against your back sent a chill down your spine as the sound of another thud landed close to you again, the shattering of windows and screams echoing around the room as a replacement for the music. It felt like a lifetime before Sehun peeled back from you, his breath a bit more haggard than before while your eyes adjusted to the sudden light, you neck barely making it to look up at him. He was gritting his teeth, his left arm placed above your head to brace himself on the wall while the other was still around your waist in a tight fashion. The sounds of bullets hitting marble floors sending awful pangs into the air.

“You need to leave.” He hissed out, glancing down at you while you looked around his torso to see what was causing him discomfort, pushing his jacket back on his left shoulder - you gasped, your hand leaving wet as a giant red stain formed around his pectoral.

“Sehun you’re-,” You gasped out, but he moved his chest away with a slight wheeze.

“I said you need to go,” He snapped looking down at you, the fire and pain clear in his eyes – He gulped slightly before pushing himself off you, a hiss passing through his teeth as he ducked again from a bullet that hit the pillar, a dusting of marble raining down on your head as you both ducked.

“But you…” You stuttered softly, frightened out your mind.

“Taeyong.” Sehun snapped as someone came skidding over, a small mind with intense eyes stopping next to you.

You didn’t even get to hear what he said before you were shoved into the man’s arms his lithe body catching you with a grunt as Sehun barked orders at him.

“Get her and anyone else out of here, now.” Taeyong merely nodded as you shrugged in his grip – the sounds of bullets still echoing with the constant yells of men barking orders.

“Wait, you idiot.” You yelled slightly, “You’re the one bleeding.”

“Taeyong.” Sehun snapped ducking again, “Do your job, now.”

“Yes boss,” His voice was surprisingly level while he took you away, your heels scraping on the floor as you tried to escape on your own.

For once in your life, you called out the name you never thought you would.

“Sehun.”

[plaidshirtjimkirk]

i wish i had an awesome list of things i wrote in 2019, but there’s none to speak of. i probably hit 30k max or so. but i wanna talk about writing anyway. this is longgggg, sorry.

i have been and ever shall be a ridiculously passionate person. when i love something, i really really *really* love it. it takes over everything. it’s all i think about. i’ve always been this way. i had all of one friend when i was a child and i met her in preschool. we met up recently and she started naming all these series and characters i was obsessed with since i was 4. LOL the thing is, like... no one else liked these things, so she had to deal with me infodumping and reading my crappy fanfiction to her from elementary to middle school. (the fact that she still talks to me amazes me.)

my relationship with writing is complicated and im finally understanding why.

i started out with self insert stories when i was super young because there weren’t any other kids around besides my one awesome friend. i never felt lonely though because i had my stories.

i loved fictional characters. i self shipped. this led me to roleplaying. i found someone who was writing as a character i adored. we wrote together and then started dating. that was my first SO. not knowing any better, i remained in an abusive relationship for 7 years. my stories were my comfort and i can honestly say that writing saved my life. there’s a good ending to this situation. one day, i experienced a breath of fresh air and finally took the trash out.

i dabbled in drawing comics for a bit as i worked hard at my job. i met someone worth my love and effort. we loved each other so much that we maintained a relationship while living on opposite ends of the planet. as you can imagine, that was pretty lonely. writing helped me through it. i met some amazing people to write with during this time, including my bff @suitablyaggrieved.

the fandom we were in then was filled with toxic people however. my having an oc didn’t help things so i had to deal with harassment, even when i was minding my own damn business. got tired of that, took down my writing, and barely wrote a thing for about 3 years.

when i fell hard into trek, i decided i wanted to give fandom one more shot. i wanted to be in a community that loved the same things i did and figured it was worth the effort of trying. tbh i feel very lucky that my return to fandom was trek because yall are seriously some of the nicest people ever.

when i started this blog, i was just some rude dipshit who didn’t really think about the weight of my words. i said mean things but i didn’t care. it was whatever because it was my blog and i had 30 followers. the follower count grew though at some point, i thought about why i tested the waters of coming back to fandom and how grateful i was to splash land back in one like trek. i realized i wasn’t being the kind of person i wanted to be. i’m still a dipshit, just less rude now.

but the thing is that trek got me into writing again. and when i started, i felt like there were no limits. i wrote and wrote and wrote. i was telling stories about some things i’d been through and using characters as proxies. it was an interesting experience. i never wanted to stop...made me feel like i was doing something constructive when drama was going on in my work life.

everything was ok though because i had my words.............and then chronic illness caught up with me.

writing made me happy because i saw myself putting out lots of stories. but when it came to the point where i couldn’t write as much as i used to because i was in too much pain to even get out of bed, it started making me feel really depressed.

the truth is that i don’t have confidence in my work. i never did. i probably never will. it sucks when you spend all this time working on something, just to end up hating it. and with being the passionate person i am, the lower word count had me feeling like a complete failure. all or nothing. consistency or nothing. i know this is unhealthy. i also would never think anyone else was a failure for not writing as much. it was just...i had all these personal goals i wasn’t meeting.

at some point, i started feeling as though i couldn’t write ks anymore. there were a couple reasons for that but the main one was losing consistency. i didn’t feel like my work was ever anything special, but at least i was feeling productive. when that went out the window, i kinda looked back at all these words i put out and didn’t feel good about them.

i started writing for small pairings where the fandom was literally all of 2 people. i thought that maybe i could just post stories for a tiny audience, or even just for my own sake, and maybe being so worried about quality wouldn’t be such a big deal. i was kidding myself though. ofc it was. and it just made me feel worse about my writing. i didn’t know how to make it fun. instead of being pumped to start something new, all i could think about was how i’d suffer to put whatever story i was thinking of together and just end up hating. it felt like so much wasted effort.

i met some awesome new friends who encouraged me to make an oc again. it took such a long time but i did and i spent a few months privately posting fics about all of our ocs interacting. writing was slowly becoming fun again.

and that brings me to where i am today. i realize it’s been a crutch for me throughout life. i could throw myself into it, throw myself into stories that others wrote. with less energy to go around because of being in pain frequently, the amount i could do reduced drastically. i’m still trying to figure out how to cope with that, and how to not put so much pressure on myself to where i get stuck in an endless loop of self hating.

still, writing saved me. even though things got really complicated, im glad i had the experience of doing it and even though it sometimes stresses me the hell out, i want to keep at it...figure out how the same thing that helped me so many times before can do so again.

i’m not sure i can ever figure the confidence/self love thing out, but i think i can try to make words my friends again. people outside of fandom don’t get it and i guess i can’t blame them if they don’t have the experience. they think ff is some frivolous activity that has no merit, no quality, no bearing on anything. but it does on franchise, community, and individual levels.

anyway, sending good vibes to every content creator out there. let’s hang in there through the great times and bad. <3

[thechildoflightning]

JKSF Jobs

I got asked awhile ago by the lovely @mewithanie if I could write about everyone’s jobs in jksf if it sparked my interest. It did spark my interest, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it into a one-shot or story, so take a tumblr post bullet-style explanation instead!

Read on to find out all about the jobs Patton, Roman, Logan, and Virgil hold in just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)

tw: suicide (oc), PTSD and trauma (mentioned only), mentions of drugs, alcohol, and school shootings.

Patton

Runs a non-profit

Non-Profit pairs up with schools

Non-Profit is an art therapy center focused on increasing connection within teenagers and allowing them an appropriate outlet for emotional turmoil

Patton’s group generally gets placed on ‘high-risk’ campuses or campuses that have incidents happen at them

‘High-risk’ in this case is defined by higher than normal suicide rates, low attendance rates, high-levels of illegal activity (generally drug and alcohol use), high rate of poor mental health, more than average amounts of cheating, etc

Instances involve things like excessive inappropriate school-wide behavior (ie. all the kids getting drunk and disorderly at a school event) as well as shocking incidents (student death from suicide, overdose, drunk driving, or things such as school shootings)

Some kids come by choice, others are referred through a suspension exchange program

Pretty much, a kid gets suspended but can choose to go to the group’s meetings instead of facing suspension

Kids get referred for suspensions that deal with violence, drug use, alcohol use, excessive absences, and so forth

The idea behind it is that suspended the kid will only negatively impact the kids record and give no reason to change behavior, while the group can help get to the root of the issue and work towards solving/improving that instead

Other kids go by choice bc they’re looking for extra support, a healthy outlet, advice, etc

They have weekly after school meetings (per each district, with one focal school in each one. The program is currently seven districts wide)

They also have lunch drop-ins were you can come make art, chill, get a snack, pet a therapy dog, and other stuff

One of Patton’s first schools was the same school Virgil works at

Patton generally leads the entire non-profit and has delegates to deal with the different districts

He handles the school/district that Virgil is at, though he attempts to go to as many things at the other districts as he can

Does a lot of outside work promoting the program to school and school boards, but is starting to delegate a lot of that work to others so he can focus on the kids instead of the bureaucratic shit

Has had to cut back on individual involvement and delegate more as the work and stress from running an entire non-profit has taken a large toll on his health related to chronic illness

He is Not Happy about this fact, but it’s for his health and he needs it. His spouses help support in any ways that they can.

Roman

Theater Boi

He is a director for a local theater company that is actually not half-bad

Enjoys the heck out of it

Went into college planning to become an actor

And boy does he love acting and the truth is? He was good enough. He could have become an actor. 

But somehow he finds it even more magical running everything behind the acting (and so so much more work, god he never realized how much Work This Was)

So he joins a theater company and he slowly works his way up

At first he comes in as assistant choreographer 

He’s young and they don’t think much of it, but the show genuinely improves by his individual suggestions and work and wait, who the fuck is this kid and how do we hang onto him?

He makes his way up quite quickly, sliding his way into assistant directly and then co-director and then suddenly the director’s leaving and now he’s the director

It happens fast and it’s very very exciting but he’s also honestly a little overwhelming and he’s never been good at managing large tasks without procrastinating bc executive dysfunction (see this post and this one about Roman and ADHD)

And now he is The Director and an entire production is depending on him. Everything. All of it. And it was what he was looking for but it’s a lot.

The first time he’s on his own, it goes okay

It’s by far not the best the company has done, but it’s also not the worst and the company is pretty supportive of his jump to director and the people who have been there longer help him learn to delegate tasks

And so he tries again, and he does better, and he just continues to get better from there

There’s just one hiccup: the scenographer

Basically the scenographer Does Not Like Roman and it creates Conflict

(In my head I sorta imagine the boss character Joan played when they were playing Thomas as Roman as Joan as the boss character in that one part of “Can LYING Be Good?”)

Luckily, Deceit later takes that position, and him and Roman work way better together and pull off some pretty bomb ass productions

Roman has been asked to join other companies before- specifically travelling companies and work on Specific Productions- which is very cool and very exciting but he decides he’d rather do what he’s doing now bc 

a) he enjoys the rhythm of his work. b) larger productions are more stress. c) he doesn’t want to be gone from his spouses. And d) he gets a lot of positivity and meaning out of what he does now and doesn’t see a reason to change that

Every summer he also runs the local chapter of Shakespeare in the park. 

He does act in these as well bc it’s completely volunteer based. Deceit also acts in these with him and these two theater dorks have way to much fun together

They may or may not of kidnapped Trixie for one of the productions (with Virgil’s consent of course)

Logan

Logan works for a company that considers themselves as a “research and problem-solving team for the improvement of marine environments”

Basically, Logan researches issues that negatively impact marine life and helps come up solutions to improve or solve these issues

Most of what he does is cycle through data that other researchers collect and figure out what that data means and how it connects

He looks at a lot of abstract numbers and pulls them together to state exactly what the numbers are reporting 

From there he brings that research to a board that forms a hypothesis and then comes up with potential solutions

These solutions are often considered very progressive and liberal and as such cause a lot of debate

Solutions range from legal changes (laws reducing companies waste, laws to prevent oil spills, protection laws around certain species/habitats, etc) to inventions (boats that clean the ocean, replication of habits to help support species that can’t live outside of a certain ecosystem, etc)

The company Logan works for has had numerous very successful projects and many of these projects were successful bc of Logan’s involvement

Logan’s spouses are very very proud of this fact

Logan is modest af and brushed it off

Logan’s had quite a few articles published in scientific journals and his findings/theories/work have also made it to national news in the past

Logan himself has actually been asked to present some of his stuff on the news multiple times. He refuses each time and someone else goes in his place.

Does this mean that person gets a lot of credit that should be assigned to Logan? Yes. Does that person feel bad? They do and try to give credit to Logan. Does Logan care? No, no he does not. 

Logan could care less about credit, he just cares about marine ecosystems and That’s Literally It

Seriously, people ask him things like “does he understand the ‘political implications’ of his job” or “Are you okay with your team constantly stealing your work” and he’s just like “Fish are cool. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Logan has also done more hands-on experience which has included cool adventures that included scuba diving trips to study coral reef damage, spending days in heavy wetlands, and swimming with sharks

His spouses think that this is the coolest thing and Logan agrees a 1000%

He usually works on research because that’s Where He’s Comfortable, but the occasional planned (it has to be planned) research trip is always exciting

Logan also has so much passion for his job. So much passion. It’s sort of an agreed upon deal in the house that when Logan comes home he will generally Need To Infodump because his job is The Coolest

Because of this, a time period between him getting off work and them eating dinner is designated Logan Infodumping Time

Generally this happens while they cook (because as mentioned a few times, Logan is the best cook)

Even if his spouse aren’t helping w/ dinner, they usually try to stick around and listen because a) Logan is Cute when talking about things he enjoys. b) he talks about interesting stuff. c) even if they don’t find it interesting, Logan’s enthusiasm is infectious and they just Have To Listen

Virgil

Virgil is a high school English teacher

He generally teaches sophomore regular English and junior AP English

Classes can shift slightly depending on the year

Virgil was at first a very distant teacher and didn’t connect with his students

Like his students thought he was a fine teacher bc he wasn’t too strict and didn’t assign a bunch of hw, but no one really liked him either

About his fourth year teaching, a kid at Virgil’s school got suicide baited and ended up taking their own life

It was a Big Deal (and is also how Patton found his way to Virgil’s campus)

After the event, there were lots of discussions and groups at the school, and each teacher talked to their classes

Virgil’s discussion was,, impactful to say the least

He talked to the students frankly about the issue and opened discussion to the topic while making sure to keep it respectful and calling students out on shit while at the same time helping support everyone who was struggling

He ended it with a small speech about self-worth, what it meant, and the struggle to achieve it, especially when everyone around you is pulling you down

It spreads like wildfire throughout the school and suddenly Virgil is a very well-liked teacher because He Gets It, y’know

(to clarify- his student’s do not know about his suicide attempts or personally history regarding his PTSD and experiences, that said, they all know there’s something different about this teacher. Something that makes him understand in a way others don’t)

He also has just this snark that students fall in love with

(One of his class’ learning targets for an entire week was just “We’re going to stick it to The Man. How you ask? Well we’ll find out!”

There was also a situation one year when one of Logan’s articles turned up in a multiple choice quiz and No One, including Virgil knew the answers (Virgil did have the answer key but it Did Not Make Sense)

He had to actually call Logan to figure it out

Turns out, most of them was the quiz maker’s mistake because he was asking questions about “author’s tone” and “author’s purpose” and Logan’s just like,, I didn’t meant to have any tone? I don’t understand tone? My purpose was I like fish? Why are they saying it’s to educate the average person??

(pretty much they analyze Logan’s article from a neurotypical standpoint, which Logan Is Not, so it doesn’t work. Virgil scraps the quiz.)

[shoddy-sonneteer]

Awakening Love - 1

Pairing: Mafia!Jaebum and Doctor!Jinyoung (JJP)

Genre: Fluff

Summary:

“Jinyoung. I need a quick favor from you. It’s an emergency.” Jinyoung heard his childhood friend speak in a worried tone which made him wake from his peaceful slumber immediately.

“What’s wrong?” He asked sitting up and turning the lights on.

“I can’t say that over phone. But you have to come over to my apartment ASAP. Its an emergency. Come with your surgical kit. Shit! This isn’t stopping. Jinyoung please come fast.” And with that, the line went dead.

Jinyoung had no clue as to what was going on. But he knew that Jieun wouldn’t have called him unless it was absolutely necessary. So, he got out of the bed and rushed to her apartment with his surgical kit not even bothering to change out of his night clothes in order to not waste time.

Upon reaching her apartment, he entered the passcode which he knew now by heart from visiting the place several times before. After seeing Jinyoung enter the apartment, Jieun let out a sigh of relief. But all Jinyoung could see was blood.

Jieun was putting pressure on a man’s abdomen area but despite that a lot of blood was coming out. Not caring about anything, Jinyoung immediately moved Jieun to the side and inspected the wound.

“We should take him to the hospital right now. He’s already lost a lot of blood.” He announced preparing to call 911.

“No hospital.” The injured guy said groaning and trying to sit up.

“Why not? Jinyoung asked making him stay down so as to not lose more blood.

“Because I said so. Now, Pretty Boii if you can do something, do it here.” He said with a weird glint on his face despite the amount of blood he’s been losing.

Jinyoung looked at him calculatedly for a few seconds trying to decide whether the risk he was going to take now was worth it. He decided that he didn’t have much of an option that to treat him because that’s the oath he had taken when he became a doctor. Save every life.

“Alright. Lie down. Slowly. Jieun bring me a white cloth and a bottle of spirited alcohol.”  Jieun followed all the instructions given to her obediently and stood in a corner watching Jinyoung work. After what felt like eternity, Jinyoung finished stitching the wound and covered it with dressing.

“It’s done. But you shouldn’t move a lot from this place to not disturb the stitches.” Jinyoung ordered his now patient who was lying on the couch will his face looking pale. Now that Jinyoung had time to take a good look at his face, he noticed that he looked handsome and similar to Jieun. He must be her brother - Jaebum with whom she was no longer in contact for some weird reason that no one knows.

“That would be no problem pretty boii as long as you are here with me.” Jaebum said with a smirk despite how beat he looked or felt. Jinyoung couldn’t help but blush a little before going to clean up all the blood from his hands.

“Stop flirting with my best friend.” Jieun scolded Jaebum to which he only responded with a shrug and he’s cute.

At that moment, Jinyoung was glad that his back was facing Jaebum and hence he couldn’t see the heat that invaded his cheeks because of that comment. It also made him wonder how one could joke and flirt despite what had happened not five minutes back.

After calming his heart, Jinyoung wrote down a few medicines and handed it to Jieun so that she can make sure he takes them on time to heal sooner.

“I’ll come back later today to change the dressing.” Jinyoung said gathering his items to return to his apartment.

“Leaving already, Pretty boii?” Jaebum asked with a slight pout.

Jinyoung had no idea why he let him call that repeatedly when if it was anyone else, he would have knocked the breath out of them. Maybe it was because he was hurt really bad. Yes, it was that. Nothing else.

“Yes. Like I said I will come back later. And it’s Jinyoung or Dr. Park and not pretty boii.”

“I didn’t know that and it’s not like I lied or something. You are a pretty boii. But from this angle you look like a Prince. Prince Jinyoung. Suits you.”

“You must be high on pain meds. I’ll see you later.” With that Jinyoung bid both the siblings a bye trying to ignore the heat that crept on his cheeks so bad.

Jinyoung was always used to the flirting that came his way because of his looks from his patients, the nurses that worked at the hospital but none of them affected Jinyoung like Jaebum did and he had no one idea what to do about it. Also, Jinyoung hadn’t dated anyone in so long because his work always kept him busy and most of the potential partners did not like that about him which made him give up on the whole dating thing and focus more on his career.

When reaching his apartment, it was already 8. So Jinyoung had no time to take a nap. So, he headed straight to the shower and got to work. On the way back from work, he decided to visit Jaebum and change his dressing.

When Jinyoung entered the apartment, he could hear an argument going on. Not wanting to interrupt, Jinyoung stood by the door trying to not make a noise.

“I want nothing to do with you or your stupid job, Jaebum. Just leave my apartment and me and my life alone That is exactly why I stayed away but you had to show up today and ruin it all!” Jieun yelled at him.

“It’s not like I wanted this life. If you didn’t already notice, the so-called job was also done by dad and I just inherited it.”

“Yes. But dad is dead now. So is mom.”

“Exactly. You’re the only family I have left right now. I don’t want to lose you too.”

Then leave me alone Jaebum. You know it’s only because of your job. All the killing and violence and extortion. I couldn’t sleep a whole month since I came to know about all these. That’s why I decided to move out and away from all that.” Jieun said in a small voice.

Killing, violence and extortion? Jinyoung was beyond shocked. He knew that the wound he treated was not any ordinary one and that Jaebum was stabbed with a knife. He also had an idea that Jaebum was not involved in a legal business to have such kind of wound but hearing from his own sister and not hearing any defence from him make Jinyoung scared. He didn’t want to get involved into this mess in any way. He decided that this would be the last time he saw Im Jaebum.

Before Jinyoung could make a move either inside or outside the apartment, Jaebum spotted him standing by the door looking deep in thought.

“Hey there Pretty Boii. Come here to see me?” Jaebum asked trying to ease the tension in the apartment.

Jaebum had a wild a wild idea that Jinyoung had been listening to their conversation. But he wasn’t angry like he would have been if it were someone else. There was something about this Park Jinyoung that made him want to know him more and get closer. Also, the fact that Jinyoung might know or have an idea about what he did for a living made him scared. Scared that he might be afraid of him or worse, disgusted at him. This was new for Jaebum himself. He wasn’t the type to be worried about what people thought about him. But Park Jinyoung was not like all. He was different in all aspects from everyone in the world. That’s what drew him to Jaebum.

“Came here to see your wound.” Jinyoung corrected not meeting his eyes, went to stand in front of motioning him to remove his shirt.

“Already eager to see my shirtless?” Jaebum asked with a smirk and removed his shirt making Jinyoung both blush and roll eyes at him. Jinyoung tried to ignore that watchful eyes that was on him and changed the dressing. After finishing up Jinyoung moved to the kitchen sink to wash his hand again without even looking at Jaebum which bothered him a lot. He wanted to do something about it but the only problem was that he had no idea regarding what to do.

“You should be able to do your regular functions properly now. Just don’t put too much force on the wound or the stitched might rip. Also, make sure that water does not go near the wound. Change the dressing at regular intervals.” Jinyoung said packing his bags still not looking at him.

“Will you come and do it for me Pretty Boii?” Jaebum asked putting his shirt back on.

“You’re not the only patient I have. Also, don’t call me that. I’ll see you later.” Jinyoung said the last part only looking at Jieun who nodded in response.

“Okay, my Prince. Later at your hospital it is then.” Jaebum said as Jinyoung was walking out of the door, clearly missing the message or choosing to ignore it.

—

It had been a few days since Jinyoung had treated Jaebum and saw him. Maybe he did get the message. As much as Jinyoung wanted to not think about him, he could help but worry about his wound. Jinyoung had no means of contacting him which was both a relief and worry. But Jinyoung made sure that it did not affect his work.

When Jinyoung returned from his usual rounds after checking up on his patients, he noticed that the door of his office was slightly ajar. He swore he locked the door before leaving. When Jinyoung opened the door, the person standing there was definitely who he expected to be there.

“Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked not able to believe his own eyes. Seeing Jaebum standing there looking healed and normal filled him with a sense of relief.

“Hello, my Prince. I thought I found the wrong Dr. Park again but then I saw the picture of you and who I suppose is your family on the table. You looked cute as a kid. Not that you don’t look cute now. But you know.. kids are always extra cute.” Jaebum said as he proceeded to inspect that photo.

“You were looking for me?” Jinyoung asked unable to hide the confusion in his voice taking the photo from him and placing it back on the table.

“Of course, I was looking for you. Jieun refused to tell me anything about you. So, I was looking for all the Park Jinyoungs that were doctors in our city and voila here I am in front of you.”

“Why were you looking for me in the first place?”

“Because I like you.”

“You what?” Jinyoung asked expressing his shock both verbally and with his reaction.

“I like you my Prince.” Jaebum repeated with a chuckle moving to stand in front of him.

“But you barely know anything about me and we met like only 2 times and you were almost dying the first time.”

“I know. But there’s just something about you that I can’t point a finger on but makes me want to stay close to you and keep you safe. Will you let me?”

“But…. “

“My job?” Jaebum asked worry lacing his voice. He felt vulnerable standing in front of him and feeling vulnerable was one thing that he hated absolutely.

“Yes.” Jinyoung responded with a nod looking into his eyes.

“Are you scared of me?”

“No.”

That was definitely not the response Jaebum was expecting.

“No?”

“No. I’m worried. About you.”

“Worried? Why?”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been wondering myself.”

“Need some help with it?” Jaebum suggested with a smirk.

“Maybe. Maybe not”

[killerxqween]

Waking Up In Vegas- Ben Hardy x Reader One-Shot

Summary: It’s you’re 21st birthday and to celebrate, you, you’re boyfriend Ben, and you’re closest friends all go to Las Vegas to celebrate. You know that this trip is going to be a wild ride full of surprises, but you were not prepared for the surprises you would wake up to the day after your birthday. 

Warnings: FILTHY SMUT (wrap up before you shack up!), CUTE ASS FLUFF THAT’LL MAKE YOUR HEART MELT, VERY LONG FIC BUT SO MUCH ADORABLE CONTENT

I haven't edited this lol so sorry if there is any spelling errors, etc...This was a long one guys! I hope you guys enjoy this one! It’s everything from fluffy to funny to incredibly filthy. This idea came to me right now, with the help of a bunch of friends of course! I’ll be tagging them at the end of this, so make sure to give them a follow if you don't already. Make sure to follow me for more one-shots, fits, and posts about Queen, BoRhap cast, and other rock and roll artists! Besitos, my lovelies ❤️ -Dani 👑

Twenty-one. Holy shit. You’ve been alive for twenty-one years now.

Celebrating your 21st birthday has always been a major milestone, and now it was your turn. You finally get to drink without worrying about being underage, you get to go to clubs, and of course you get to go to casinos. And that’s exactly how you would be spending the next week; in clubs, casinos, and bars, drinking and partying until you fell to the floor. Yes, you would be going to the booziest of boozy places; you were going to Las Vegas with your boyfriend of 2 years, Ben Hardy and your best friends. 

But it’s not like you hadn’t drank and partied before. You were just celebrating that you could now drink in your home country. Since your wonderful boyfriend was from the UK, that meant that you spent most of your time there with him, drinking and partying the weekends away. But now, you would be doing that in Vegas, and you were really excited for what the week would hold. Especially after Ben told you that he had a very big surprise for you. 

---------After arriving in Vegas---------

You and your group of friends were in the lobby of the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, waiting to get to your rooms as quick as possible so you could start your birthday adventures. 

You were holding Ben’s hand while both of you looked around, until one of your best friend’s (and practically Ben’s other lover) Joe Mazzello walked up to you both. 

“Guys this place is so cool, I’m actually shocked I never stayed here before! It’s quite fitting actually, that we’re staying in this place. There’s no one more hard rock then us.” Joe said excitedly. He really did look like an excited puppy sometimes. You saw Ben visibly cringe at Joe’s final comment, though and you laughed lightly. 

“That was the cheesiest and stupidest thing I've ever heard, Joe.” Ben said.

“You just hate me ‘cuz you can’t be me” Joe sassed back, with mock attitude and flipped his non-existent hair over his shoulder while walking away. 

“Awwww Ben look, you just made your boyfriend mad” you said, mocking him even more. You adored Ben and Joe’s relationship, they truly were the perfect definition of best friends. You were so glad to consider them all best friends. 

Soon enough the rooms were ready. You knew that everyone had went all out for your birthday, but you didn't know that they had rented out the most expensive suite in the hotel, the Penthouse Real World Suite. 

Everyone walked into the room before you. First, Rami and Lucy, then Gwil followed by Joe, then Allen and your childhood best friend Victoria, your boyfriend Ben, and finally you, with guidance from Ben since he had put a blindfold on you. 

You walked in slowly while Ben held your hand and guided you in the direction towards the room. 

“Ben I swear, if I bump into anything, I’m suing.”

“Babe, never in a million years would I let you get hurt.” he replied sweetly. You smiled and heard Joe scoff mockingly towards you two, playing along with the ‘jealous boyfriend’ role that he had taken upon himself of playing. Everyone in the room laughed at Joe’s reaction, making you and Ben smile, even if you couldn’t see him. 

“alright, love. Im going to take your blindfold off in 3... 2...”

Everyone shouts “ONE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY (Y/N)!!!” 

You look around and tears prickled at the rim of your eyes. The suite had been decorated with banners congratulating you, table decor that said happy birthday, and much more. These people had went out of their way to give you an amazing birthday and you couldn’t be happier. 

Gwilym saw your tears start to fall before anyone else, since Ben had went around thanking everyone for coming and for helping. Gwil came over to you and gave you a heartwarming hug. 

“Ben went out of his way for your birthday. He got all of us and some staff to come and decorate while you and Victoria were at the lounge. He really loves you, we all do. Happy birthday, kiddo.” Gwil gave you a small peck on your forehead. He truly was one of the sweetest men you had ever met in your life.

“Thank you Gwilly, this means so much. You all mean so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you all. I love you guys” You said as tears fell while giving Gwil another embrace. 

Ben finally came up to you and smiled at Gwil while mouthing a “thank you” to him. Ben wrapped his arms around you and you took in his scent. He really was the love of your life. 

“I hope you like it, baby. This is only the beginning, but I worked really hard to make sure everyth-”

You cut him off with a passionate kiss on the lips. He kissed back and wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you close. Your hands were around his neck, bringing his head closer to your own. He was like a drug, and you could never stop taking him in. You adored this man with a burning passion. You worshiped him. 

Everyone ‘awed’ at you both, admiring how adorable you both were. Even Joe couldn't help but smile at how happy his best friend was, no matter how much the messed with him. You both pulled apart and you snuggled into his chest.

You looked at everyone and said “Thank you everyone for coming, really. I couldn’t be anymore thankful than I am right now. This means so much you guys. I love you all.” Everyone cheered and shouted “I love you’s” back.

You let go of Ben so he could go speak to the boys while Lucy approached you. 

“Hey girl. Everyone is going to go to their rooms to start unpacking and getting ready for tonight. You better go and start getting dressed. I’ll help you too, I want you to look perfect, being the birthday girl and all.” Lucy said with a beautiful smile on her face.

You hugged Lucy and thanked her. “What would I do without you, Luce?”

“Probably perish. Now get your butt into your room and start getting ready for a week’s worth of festivities!!!”

-----THAT NIGHT (WEDNESDAY)-----

You all went to the casino and ordered a shit ton of drinks. You all got extremely wasted while gambling. You also hit a jackpot, call it birthday luck or whatever the sort, but you were so happy.

-----THURSDAY NIGHT-----

You and Lucy went to see Magic Mike Live. You were both flustered by the amount of good-looking men giving you a show but, no one compared to Ben in your eyes. He was perfect.

Afterwards, you all went around Vegas, looking for places to go and see and for places that seemed intriguing. Joe had found a place that sold giant burgers and forced everyone to go in there. You didn’t mind though, you were happy. 

-----FRIDAY NIGHT-----

You all went to the Wet Republic Pool Party at MGM Grand. It was extremely crowded but fun. You all got wasted again and swam around like there was no tomorrow. 

That night you also went to see Lady Gaga in concert during her Enigma show. You and Ben sang along to LoveGame while making out for most of the concert while everyone else was dancing to the music and singing along.

-----SATURDAY NIGHT, YOUR BIRTHDAY (shit gets good now)-----

It was finally the weekend, and as great as the the rest of the week had been, you were excited about tonight. 

Ben had gotten everyone VIP Passes into XS Las Vegas, a very exclusive nightclub that was very difficult to get into. 

When it wast time to leave, you checked your appearance in the mirror one more time. 

You had put on a black chain backless dress that was very low-cut. It accentuated every curve and every nook on your body, making you feel sexy. You had put on a diamond choker to match and some silver heels. You knew that your outfit would drive Ben crazy, and you were excited. 

“Girl you look amazing as always” Said Vicky, she had always been there for you since you were little girls.

“Thanks Vic, you look gorgeous too.” You said back 

Ben was already waiting in the car with Gwilym and Joe because Allen had taken  a shower later than everyone else, while Rami and Lucy had went to go get ready together. But the moans you heard from their room said otherwise. 

Once you finally left the hotel and got to the car, the driver opened the door for you. The door opened to reveal a very dapper looking Ben, wearing a sheer shirt, similar to the one he wore to the Bohemian Rhapsody Premiere, except in a instead of it being a solid black color, it had patterns on it, bringing more attention to your boyfriend’s rock hard abs. You gulped, and Ben just examined your body from head to toe and smirked.  

(for Ben’s outfit: https://goo.gl/images/DqDYD8 )

(for your outfit: https://goo.gl/images/4nyRhf )

---at the club---

Once you got to the club, the driver opened the door and Ben took your hand to help you out of the car. You and the gang all went to the VIP entrance and got in fairly quickly. 

And from that point on, that night had become the craziest night of your life. 

The minute everyone stepped foot in the club, they all disappeared to different places in the room. Gwil and Allen went to the bar, Rami and Lucy went to a corner of the room to have some more ‘privacy’, and Joe decided to embody Disco Deaky by going straight onto the dance floor. 

Ben took your head and lead you to the private booth that had been reserved for your group. You sat with him and he ordered you both drinks. As you sat there, Ben looked into your eyes, sending love from his soul to yours. 

“How are you enjoying your birthday so far, love?” He asked. There was love in his eyes, but they were mixed with something a bit darker.  

“It’s been incredible Ben! It’s been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I'm so happy you did this all for me. I love you.” You said sincerely. He smiled and brought you in for a kiss. 

As the kiss progressed though, you felt his emotions change from one of love to one of hunger. He added more intensity into the kiss, making it feel more passionate and more lustful. Soon after he pushed his tongue into your mouth.You both fought for dominance in a war of passion and love that resided in your mouth. He won of course, and explored your mouth with his tongue. You felt yourself get warmer. That feeling was like a snake that traveled from the top until it came down to your core. 

You felt yourself get wetter under Ben’s touch. His kiss was a spell that you couldn’t break. His lips detached from yours and attacked your neck, leaving sweet kisses and marks. You sighed, enjoying the feeling of being close to him. Soon, his fingers slowly moved from your waist down to your thighs. He moved his hands up you thighs slowly, making sure you were comfortable. You said nothing, but instead put a kiss to his lips as a confirmation. 

He moved his hand stealthily towards your core, moving his hand under the dress. He pushed the lacy thong you wore to the side and slid his fingers into your core. You felt his fingers move up and down each of your folds, until he rested his pointer finger on your clit. He moved his finger in such a way so you could feel every pleasurable sensation. You moaned softly, since you were in a club and you didn’t want people to see what you two were up to. Soon after, he used both his pointer and middle finger to rub you. He moved his fingers around at a pleasurable pace, making you moan even more. Then he moved those fingers down, and pushed his fingers into you. He pumped them in and out and a slow pace first, then moving to a quicker pace. He added his ring finger shortly after, and you gasped. Ben then attached his lips to yours, in order to keep you quiet. 

While the booth you were in was private, it was kind of thrilling knowing that your boyfriend was finger fucking you in a public place. But you were also slightly paranoid that someone would walk in on you both. 

“Fuck Ben.. y-you need to stop. Someone could walk in” You said, still moaning due to him pumping his fingers in and out of you. 

But instead of stopping, he used his other hand to rub your clit once again. This made you moan even louder. 

“Let someone walk in, let them see how fucking hot you are under my touch” he whispered in your ear, growling the words at the end of his sentence. This just made you moan more. 

“You’re so wet, babe” He said in your ear again. He kissed you roughly, getting aroused by your reactions to his touch. 

But suddenly, he stopped and pulled his fingers away. And now you were confused, and slightly angry because you were just about to reach your high. 

“Why the fuck did you-” 

“Hello, I’m sorry about the delay, there was a mixup with drink orders. Here are your shots of tequila and your Margaritas” The waiter said, interrupting you. You understood why Ben had stopped, but it also made you giggle a bit considering what he said earlier. 

“That’s why I stopped.” Ben said, taking a sip of the margarita. You laughed even more. 

“Why is that funny?” Ben asked.

“What happened to ‘let them walk in on me finger fucking you’?” You asked laughing more. 

“Heat of the moment I guess. But keep laughing at me and I won’t give you something to to look forward to later.” That sentence immediately made you stop laughing. You smirked instead and said “sorry, baby”, giving Ben a chaste kiss. 

You both downed all the alcohol on the table and thats when you fucked up. You wouldn't remember most of the events following the drinks you took.

Gwilym, Joe, and Allen came to the table arguing loudly about who was the best member of Queen. You and Ben left to go to the dance floor. You grinded on him to the beat of the music, as he grabbed your waist and pulled you close. Eventually, you did find Rami and Lucy, who were making out in the middle of the dance floor. They soon left to join the table. Vicky was chatting up a guy she met. 

Even more drinks later, you felt the need to go to the bathroom. You stumbled into the stalls and did your business. You walked out, still completely shit-faced, and washed your hands. You stared into the mirror and laughed at yourself due to how bad your makeup had smudged. But you stopped laughing when you heard the bathroom door open. 

There, in the women’s bathroom, stood your boyfriend Ben Hardy, accompanied by a drunk Joe Mazzello and Gwilym Lee. Ben stumbled into the bathroom, giggling along with the other two boys. 

Be walked right up to you and gave you a kiss on the lips. You kissed him back and laughed. The boys that stood behind Ben laughed as well, knowing something that you didn't. 

“B-ben... what the f-uck are you doin’” you asked, slurring and messing up your words. 

Ben giggles some more. “(Y/N) I-I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I W-WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.” He yelled loudly into the bathroom. You covered your ears and yelled “ow!” Ben stopped yelling and replied with “sorry, baby”.

“Anyways.. what was I saying? Oh r-right.... (y/n), I fuckin’ love you and I want to be with you forever, baby. I was gonna do this t-tomorrow but I couldn’t wait so... (y/f/n)... Will you m-marry me-e?” Ben asked, getting down on one knee, but almost failing to do so from how drunk he was. 

Yes, you’re boyfriend just asked you to marry him in the middle of the bathroom while being completely wasted. And how did you reply? 

You started ugly crying “oh-oh my god Ben yes I will baby I lo-love you so much” you said, stumbling towards him to hug him. You saw Joe and Gwil clap sloppily, Joe slightly leaning on Gwil because he was about to pass out.

“WAIT!” He said, putting his hand out to stop you from coming closer. 

“What is it?” You asked, afraid that his drunk ass might be joking.

“I forgot to give you your ring” He said, in an obvious tone, rolling his eyes dramatically. Ben shoved his fingers into his pockets looking around for a ring. 

And the ring he gave you was the best ring drunk you could ever receive. 

He gave you a ring pop with a blue candy diamond in the center. 

You squealed after he put it on you and hugged him. Then you gasped loudly, coming up with a wonderful idea. 

“Ben! Why don’t we get married right now!!!”

“OH MY GOD YES”

So you, Ben, and Joe left the club at 2 in the morning, got in a cab, and went to the nearest chapel go get you and Ben married. Joe had decided to tag along because he wanted to be best man. So you bought a $5 wedding veil from the chapel gift shop and got married. 

-----SUNDAY/The Next Day-----

You woke up naked with your head pounding, unaware of where you were. You looked around and your eyes widened.

You were in your suite at Hard Rock but there were balloons that said “Congratulations Newlyweds!”, “Bride and Groom”, and other phrases related to the subject. There was a veil that had the $5 price tag still stuck to it, a bouquet of roses scattered on the floor that looked like they were in desperate need of water, and of course, the half eaten ring pop on your ring finger which had lint and other small particles stuck to it. 

You frantically looked for your phone to see if you could confirm your suspicions, and when you found it, you opened your phone to see 34 unread messages. The older ones were from your friends congratulating you on your engagement. The newer ones were congratulating you on your marriage to Ben. Then there was a whole essay from a drunk Joe, congratulating you both but also saying he was mad you stole his boyfriend. You sucked in a breath and widened your eyes.

“oh my god, I got married on my birthday in Vegas” you whispered.

You turned your head to look at Ben, who was deep asleep and also naked. He was snoring lightly and looked so peaceful.

“Ben is my husband.” you said, still in shock.

You opened your phone and checked your picture gallery. You had over 20 videos, all filmed by either Joe or Gwilym, from your engagement in the bathroom to your wedding at the chapel. You watched each one and cringed at how drunk everyone was.

You really did get engaged and married. 

You didn’t mind the idea of getting married to Ben though, you just hate that it was while drunk in Vegas.

Soon Ben started waking up, slightly stirring around until he fully turned his body towards you and opened your eyes. 

“Hello beautiful, my head hurts.” He said, looking like the Greek God that he is. He then saw the worry in your face and asked what was wrong. He ten saw he was naked and asked “Did we fuck last night?” You laughed.

“Yeah, babe that wasn’t the only thing we did last night.” You said with shock still present in your voice.

“What did we kill someone? Did we have a little Bonnie and Clyde moment?” He asked and smirked while leaning up to kiss you. 

“Ben, look around.” You said seriously this time. 

He looked around at the balloons, veil, bouquet, and ring. Apparently he was somehow still drunk because he still didn't understand. He looked at you in confusion.

“Oh my god, Ben we got engaged and we got married last night” you said, showing him the video of him proposing in the bathroom. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened. Then you scrolled to the next video, showing him the one of you in the chapel. His jaw dropped even further and you laughed. 

“Oh my god. Yo-you’re my wife?” He asked with a tone of fear.

“Yeah I am, is being married to me that bad?” You said with a laugh. He didn’t laugh though, instead he ran a hand through his hair then down his face, signaling that he was stressed. 

“Babe, I know that this is stupid but I didn't think it was that ba-” 

“It’s not bad babe, its just...” He sighed again. You were afraid that maybe he didn’t want to take the next step into marriage with you, and was mad that you both did while intoxicated. 

“I guess I just have to say it. (Y/N), I was going to ask for your hand in marriage during you Birthday celebration, in fact, I was going to do it today during our date. But the fact that we already were engaged and are now married put my whole plan out of the loop” Ben said, disappointed since his plan has been ruined. You on the other hand, were happy. He was going to ask you to marry him, today in fact. 

You kissed him deeply. “Ben, baby. Don’t let our stupid actions get in the way of your plans. I love you. I would get engaged to you and marry you a million times. We can still get married and get engaged, we just do it properly this time, and not while drunk.” You said laughing. 

“You’re right” He said as he got up. “But my big birthday surprise for you was going to be over dinner. But that plan has been spoiled, and so has the surprise. So I'm going to say this right here, right now.”

Ben got out a little black jewelry box from his coat pocket and got down on one knee while still naked. 

“(Y/N), I love you. From the minute I saw you I loved you. I don’t know where I would be without your love and support. You make my grey skies a vibrant blue. You are the brightest star in my sky. I love you to the moon and back and I always will. That is why I was so fussy about getting married. Because you deserve the best. So I know this setting isn't perfect but, I feel the timing is perfect so” Ben opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring. 

“Will you (y/f/n), make me the happiest man alive and be my wife...even though you technically already are my wife?”

You felt tears sting your eyes. 

“Yes” you said wholeheartedly.

Ben put the ring on your finger and kissed you passionately. His hands cupped your cheek while yours wrapped around his muscular back. Soon the kiss became needier, hungrier. 

His tongue swirled around with yours, reminding you of last night’s very lustful agenda which was one of the few things that you could remember clearly. The thought of it got you hot and bothered. His hands moved from your face down to your waist, where he started gripping roughly with his hands, making you moan into the kiss. He then brought his hands down to your bare ass and gave it a squeeze. He then started kissing your neck, this time leaving actual marks and bruises compared to the ones from last night. You sighed and moaned, letting yourself expose your neck more so he could have more access. 

Hands still on your ass, Ben pushed you even closer to him, your bodies molding together like clay. His head started moving down from your neck to your collarbone, then down to your breasts. He started kissing around the beautiful mounds of flesh until he took a nipple into his mouth and started sucking and biting. You moaned louder this time at the action, which made him grab the other nipple and he started pinching and squeezing. 

“I love you, wife” He said against your breast. 

“I love you too, husband” you breathlessly replied back. He got back up, gave you a kiss and started pushing you back towards the bed. Once your legs made contact with the bed frame, he lightly pushed you back so you were laying on your back. 

“Let me show you how much I love you” He whispered lovingly into your ear, leaving a small kiss on your earlobe, then on your cheek, then on your forehead, on your nose, and on your lips.

He moved his head down, kissing your body as he went. He kissed your collarbone, the valley between your breasts, your stomach and then your hip bones. Once he was almost face to face with your center, he kissed your thighs and bit lightly as he got closer. He then moved his mouth a kissed your soaking center. He moved his tongue strategically through your folds, feeling every beautiful sensation. He swirled his tongue around your center, making you moan. Your breathing was jagged and your lips were parted as he flicked your clit around with his tongue. You moaned an even more pornographic sound when he started sucking and lightly biting the little ball of nerves. 

You felt like you were on cloud nine, he held your waist in such a delicate manner, as if you were a flower that was about to fall apart in his hands. He used the other hand to pump his fingers into you; starting with one, then two, then three fingers, and that’s when you felt the rush. You spread your legs as wide as you could, one hand gripping his hair, while the other was intertwined with the hand on your waist. You grinded into his touch to get more friction. 

“oh Ben, fuck” you moaned at the feeling. 

Ben hummed a bit to add even more vibrations and thats when you felt your orgasm washing over you. He pumped his fingers even more to help you. You arched your back as he kept eating you out like you were his holy feast and felt your orgasm hit. You moaned his name loudly and your body started to spasm. Ben kept his arm around you to help you stop spasming and brought his lips up to yours. 

He kissed you with a love and desire, and you tasted yourself on his tongue, making you want him more. 

“I'm so happy that you’re my wife right now. I love you so much. I can’t wait to get remarried” Ben said. You smiled at him and give him a light peck.

“I love you too, you’re my one and only, Ben.” You whispered lightly to him. 

“Let me make love to you then” he whispered in your ear.

“You already are” You said to him. He kissed you with passion and forcefulness and started to position himself at your entrance. He started teasing you with his dick, and you just whined. 

“If you keep being impatient then we’re going to have to play a different game” He said seductively. Usually you were one to love Ben’s ‘games’, but right now you just wanted him. 

“Ben please, I need you, love” you said desperately. His eyes changed from one of mischief and lust to one of love just from hearing that sentence. So he carefully pushed himself into you, making sure to not hurt you in any way. 

“Is this alright” He said in his beautiful English accent that you adore.

“Yes, its more than alright” you replied back. Slowly, he started pulling out and pushing back in. He kept doing this until he kept up a good thrusting rhythm. 

“Fuck” Ben groaned making you moan.

He kept doing that until he lifted your leg and put it on his shoulder to get deeper into you.

“Oh fuck baby, thats so good” you moaned loudly. Ben kept thrusting in that position, getting quicker while groaning in the process. 

You felt your second orgasm of the day wash over you, and you felt it come closer when Ben started rubbing your clit with his fingers. 

“I-I’m so close babe” you said, moaning breathlessly. You were a sweaty, hot mess but you enjoyed every second. You soon hit your orgasm, arching your back and grabbing the bed sheets in the process. 

Ben kept going and soon hit his orgasm shortly after you. He moaned your named while riding out his high and kept thrusting until he felt he had come back down to earth. 

He slowly pulled out of you and laid down next to you.He wrapped his arm around your body so carefully, so he wouldn't hurt you. He kissed your lips and said “sweet dreams, my love”.

“goodnight, darling.”

-----two months later-----

You had been feeling a bit under the weather but you were excited.  Today you would be going shopping for your wedding dress. 

You and Ben had decided to get married in 5-6 months since no ceremony had to be held because you were both technically married already. So you both had decided to have a little ceremony with a friend as the wedding minister instead of having a full ceremony at a church. The big event that you were both planning was the wedding party. 

You, Lucy, and Vicky walked into a little bridal shop in London, looking around at each dress. You knew you wanted something extravagant and you were excited to try them on.

Once you had found ones you liked with the help of Mindy and Alice, the wedding planner and the bridal shop employee, you grabbed your size in the dresses and went to try them on.

“Luce, Vic, come help me!” You said to the girls who were drinking champagne. 

“What’s up?” Lucy asked. 

“Can you help me tie the dress, its really difficult for me to do it by myself.” You said. 

“Sure” Lucy said, trying to tie the dress but it didn't work. 

“Honey, I think its too tight for you.”

“That’s weird since its my size. All the dresses I've tried on are in my size and they don't fit. Maybe the sizes run small?”

“No, our sizes usually fit true to size, miss. No offense but maybe, you’ve gained weight?” Alice said.

“No, I've been working out and eating more healthier than ever just for this.I really don’t know why the hell it doesn't fit if it’s my size.” You said truthfully.

Alice looked down, feeling guilty for commenting, while Mindy’s eyes lit up and she smirked. 

“(y/n), have you thought about the fact that you may not be the only one wearing that dress?” Mindy said while smirking.

“What does that mean” You sighed, annoyed that things weren’t working out. 

“Maybe... you’re pregnant?” She asked trying to be as polite as possible. Lucy widened her eyes, Vicky smiled brightly and you choked on the water you were drinking. 

That would explain the illness, you’re dictates for alcoholic beverages, and you’re cravings lately. It would also explain why you haven’t had your period yet. 

“I’m gonna run to the shop to get something, ill be back soon” you said, frantically trying to go and see if you are pregnant or not.

---One Hour Later---

“Oh my god I'm pregnant” you say freaking out. You knew Ben would freak out, but hopefully in a good way. He had always said he wanted a family of his own. And now its happening. 

---3 months later---

You were sitting with your now official husband, Ben, at your wedding party. You’re bump had grown and you were happy to show it. 

You had told Ben about the pregnancy the night you found out over dinner. He was over the moon and the next day he invited everyone over to share the news. The first question that was asked was 

“When did that happen” by of course, none other then Joe Mazzello.

Ben simply replied with “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, pal”.

Now you were sitting there, eating cake with the love of your life and your unborn daughter. You were going to name her Meaddows Mercury, in honor of Roger Taylor for being there not only for Ben, but for you too during everything from the start of your relationship to your pregnancy. Roger had also mentioned it.

He had said “You should name your baby after me” as a joke. But Ben took it seriously and decided to do it in honor of one of his best friends and hero’s. Of course Mercury was in honor of Freddie and Queen, because without him and them, he wouldn’t be where he is today. And you were fine with the name because you love Queen a lot, too. 

Ben wrapped his arm around your shoulders and placed his arm protectively on your baby bump. 

“My two girls” He said into your ear and sighed in content. He rested his head on top of yours and you smiled. Everything was perfect.

“I love you husband”

“I love you wife”

The End 

@hystericallyqueen @har-rison-s @okqueenie

[triumphorce]

                   under stars that feel as far as

                               real does..

at the moment.

at any moment..

kidnap me.

any chance presented  

& in moments prior.

spent alone

in 

zone.

far from progress.

stasis,

stationed next to

hope & regret.

on either side.

stamina. breathe now

to breathe more.

no free will.

i got to survive.

i got to make it,

especially if i just change aim

change rim-height,

relate with reality

change chin height,

keep head up,

lower expectations

keep pen up.

can’t make shit up,

so i make this shit up

dig deep, drain soon as i wake up

from sleep, or conscious nap..

break up

buildup

of words

that

feel

like

millions.

euphoric

ultimatum;

write,

or just

waste.

can’t wait

to post, create.

post haste

long ass roads that really dont have

an end, or means to.

I just become more of

whatever comes;

whatever emotions

i allow;

however

i react;

to

whoever,wherever,

when tf ever

‘cause all i am

is now, here.

a little more conscious..

that’s it.

&the more i remember,

the more i forget.

gotta pick and choose.

careful.

careful, please.

carefully

 cut ties, choose way

‘cause by the time it's time to remember

new knew's

once was' just can’t keep up

and i accidentally

delete something

important,

or distort it..

gotta

slow down

life...

ssssshhheesh

i once was in less pieces,

&I at least, once, knew peace, but didn’t know it,

more than likely still do

staring at sky blue.

so blue..

eyes find it soothes

waiting on.

bus late.

contemplating, mind rages

sea

lost in deep

hue pool

sharp, wind wrapping body.

waitin on,

waiting on.

contemplating. gone.

daydreamin way thru life.

thru the little things

i always belittled.

cause I thought I had what i needed. or what I had was mine to keep.

...just because.

i need a little more somethin

a little more new, more original stop cliches, tropes,& archetypes in general

droll,

repetition equals learning, well i'll just lurn-less

beg to differ, by beggin questions, even when forced to tread slow,&only do so in head.

we’re all middlemen.

just fiddlin’

‘round in world,

in universe,

riddled withh riddles,

that

trickle,

drip

in

complex

descent

from cognitive

  beginnings.

ephemeral glimpses of outside-nighttime-world,

through blinds in bed, as a child to now, still just as far from.

as far as real feels.

feelin nothing like how I do now.

but pain passes,

so it just must be my brain's capacity for trust shrank. & elaborates time taken for to cross neural pathways,

not get lost, and make it back safe save, all at the same time, while i attempt to ignore age

pay mind solely to the idea i can do, &I don't have to prove.

to become honest, so potential growth is optimum to be one with me, and know I can't ever be anything but and no idea is ever done, no matter finished, no grey matter greyer, no more dr. bender's, no more directions, no more winners, reflect on self, &what it means-to be better, i deflect defects w/ skylark teeth,  

a truer sense of.. truth

a higher level basic

newfound fundamentals

that all the world and creation in it,

then, now, or later

are truly small

&

no life was ever finished

nobody wants to give it up,but we learn to

and as a consequence return to world what we wish to see beyond our existence

to find trust again love again feel again believe again hurry up, clock's tickin

get it, grind look and find get inspired go inspire go perspire run a mile two three four

five seconds six seconds

gotta go for it gotta get better, 

 never listen only instrumentalz for me

in a room   aspire to be able to define my every rhyme and reason behind thoughts had,

itchin to stay consistent, keep on writing and don't worry about why, keep on filing tomes of dreams, ordering guides to self, from one idea to a whole library of shit I did,

 like,

"oh, damn kid, you wrote that?"

damn right I did.

conversations that I have in my head

while I reread pieces

an elixir, a pensive remedy

for when I feel reluctant toward

reality, when in reality

it's really just the people around me that I trusted, busted ass for, gave up past for filled up gigabytes, sticky notes, notepads for designed a whole world for,

put off parties, friends, a part of me I never gave a chance for. became an outcast for. put on mask for.

to be compared and not contrasted warned and not encouraged critiqued but not heard

made me want

to tell, create a story and not give a damn about glory.

although i worry how i come off..sometimes..

made me

change style time after time for some time, now..

made me have

to boost own confidence, own own ego; inflate like raft, & float to shore,

common ground with action &

focused on

how I'm amounting in life.

..apparently

im just climbing up invisible

mountains

but i don't let it make or break me,

used to,

but no more ,& nowit's just me.

&that's just crazy..

so im focused

on how im a mountain lion to moles tryna troll, but       most the time, tho                    I'm...focused on settling score with where               I've failed

& failed to respond to failure well

                                    let go

of initiative,   hung to anger

in orbit  around regret towards doors left unopened, words unspoken to people gone, that could've changed life, if only They could hear these thoughts.. if only I had someone to talk to besides myself, & people that talk to high-five themselves; given approval never sought, advice for battles never fought, in a room for most of youth, stuck in head, so much to see, explore lore of stories never written, so much done even before i decided to pick pen up, before i decided I was ready for commitment decisions in head turn to an every 5 minute thing,

                  stuck in holes    deeper than before

tell-tale signs around sub-subconscious                         that Im chasin nothin..

apparitions..

in front of people

waitin somethin fierce

for me to

summon what's already there

a mirror image of miracle from thinnest air from holes put in life for pride in pages of jumbled thoughts gaps in memories for drafts that define ironic, describing fine lines I believe are there, in thinnest mirror, between me and experience in eyes that remind me i am less, i am more i am worse, i am better everything in between all and nothing, not objective, but an object capable of observation, own purpose assigned no more worth than yours, no more than I have dealt my self chances missed to live for product tossed or lost in the end

x's & lines through a mind confused,              backspaces                       scribbles       procrastinating daily, delaying the inevitable,                                           staring at.. ...coffee steam            and letters linked in ink curves and ink in nerves

        on nights only sleep's deferred as vivid as yesterdays and scenes in head of tomorrows            mixed in with skips in consciousness     obvious options almost always missed second guesses linger in gut like wtf

what the fuck am i doing everyday, if I don't contribute to future

to believe, or not to believe i was in control of will was the whole problem let go of all it hone on goals. fly low, that is...

as far a stretch as breath of desire to contribute to the world   believing if chance exists, i will succeed I will fulfill promises thru notepads & audience

a caged bird singing

do or do not.

seems all I've done is try, it seems to try isnt good enough, seems what they want from me wasn't what I was told they want, which is for me to want from me & instead what they want to see is what they want to see

me to become this and not my own, no matter how many hours spent, no matter the font, text, or etiquette formed to gain attention, but apparently a proper use of improper use of prose prospered overtime & i kept my posture, keep me from losing self, going crazy, letting people make me think something's not okay, or wrong with me, or out of whack off top, not taken seriously

priorities of the majority of society made it difficult to captivate eyes, and garner respect, because of conflictive internal contradictions to set out for what I thought was spreading message, but was embedding judgment of self, & effort, looking at motives that been made a home in heart like they suspect, but they was who fucked with me when I wouldn't even fuck with me, wanna be someone else, something else, like what you want clave?

to wait for mine..

psh, nnn’eh, thinking I was good enough to be taken seriously ..

thinking there was nothing to do, but to do, but something changed course, one day,

 one day atta time

thinking that I was right behind, could just lift up arm and touch but that wasn't the case, ever, constant race

     couldn't hold on, couldn't hide the pain to psyche out greatest opponent, me

                   didn't want to, saw no point

   repeating and repeating, over and again

so on and so forth, thus forth destroying self                               convinced I couldn't help it      and still am

and still can't

accept I ever gave in,   broke under pressure, buckled under what some would chuckle over, no pity, just recognition of jimity's petition to push when pushed, with thoughts into written gale force, in a position to always hope, so when foundation crumbles, there's another one up under

if not, I use earth to wander.

whether with excess of momentum or subsiding in subtle realization of sustenance behind life's work

purpose on course set to find reward I'm told I'm looking for..

fin

[krustywhore]

epilogue

here it is. sorry in advance. (also, tumblr doesn’t keep italics and stuff and i’m too lazy to add them back in, so here it is on ao3 with all that jazz)

tag list: @the-woild-is-my-what-now @wetcoffeejpg @disasterbisexualhere @landofgoodbye @queer-pippa @king-of-new-yoirk @hellomynameisjo @hufflepuffpride210 @turnitoffspot

Guilt isn't something real. It's not physical, you can't touch it or get rid of it, but it's always there. It's almost as if it's an entity of its own. Guilt is a force that eats you up from the inside, clawing away at every last piece of hope that you had until it's gone and the only thing left is the knowledge that there's always something else you could've done.

The moment that Jack and Race walked into the lodging house, everything was different. None of the other newsies dared to say a word. They just sat there staring as Spot set Skip down on Davey's lap before rushing to the two. He slid an arm around Race's waist, supporting the boy a little more as they walked into a small room off the main hallway. The two older boys gently maneuvered Race onto one of the beds, closing the door behind them.

Jack finally let himself breathe as he sat down on the old, wood floors. The cracking paint on the walls, the rumble of the old plumbing running throughout, and all the things that reminded him that, as completely insane as it felt, he was home. He was home and the strike was over. He was here and so was Race. They were home. He and Spot carefully made sure the boy was comfortable before he heard the door behind them creak open.

Spot turned around expectantly like any regular person would've.

Jack immediately dove in front of Race, keeping the boy tucked behind him. He shut his eyes fiercely as if prepping for impact, but nothing came.

"Jack?" That wasn't Snyder. That wasn't Snyder, or one of the bulls, or a guard, or anyone that would ever hurt him.

He cracked his eyes open just the slightest amount and Davey was standing terrified in the doorway. His chest felt tight just looking at the boy so afraid of him, but he couldn't help the relief that flooded over him.

"Fuck," he muttered, running his hands through his hair as he felt his heartbeat begin to slow. He stood, wobbling a little on tired legs, and collapsed into the taller boy's arms. "Dave I's so sorry."

His tears poured down his cheeks as he clung tightly for dear life. "I thought I'd never see you again, Jack," Davey's voice shook as he spoke into Jack's hair. "God, I thought I almost lost you."

Their heartbeats were beating perfectly in sync, Jack finally letting himself relax even for just a second.

"I don' wanna' talk, I don' wanna' talk 'bout it, Dave," he breathed, his voice wavering a little as the other ran his fingers up and down Jack's spine.

"That's okay," Davey quickly assured him. "I won't make you talk about it until you're ready. Don't even worry about it."

Jack let out a shaky exhale and tightened his grip on Davey's waist.

"Come on, Jackie, let's go sit down. We can talk about this later, but let's get you to bed for a little while-"

"No!" Jack interrupted, holding onto Davey tight enough to probably leave a bruise, but the boy didn't make any attempt to move him. "I...I can't leave, I-I can't leave 'im."

" 'S fine, Kelly. I got 'im, jus' take care a' ya'self," Spot spoke up, his normally steely gaze now just as afraid as Jack's, a strange sort of comfort to the boy. "Let Dave take care a' ya', I'll be sure ta' let ya' know if anythin' happens, I promise."

Jack hesitated for a moment before he nodded against Davey's chest and the latter led him upstairs to the rooftop.

The silence of the increasingly emptying room was deafening. Spot felt like he could finally relax a little, though, as he closed the door and sat down on the edge of the small cot. He gently ran his fingers through Race's hair, trying as hard as he could not to think about how high his fever felt against his hand.

He couldn't lose Race. He just couldn't.

He took a chance on that kid, really opened up to someone for the first time since he'd been living on the streets, and he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to do it again if anything happened to that boy. So he couldn't lose him. He couldn't watch the one person he truly loved slip through his fingers without ever being able to do anything.

So that was why he took up a small collection from the kids in Brooklyn, he made some bets at the Sheepshead, and even took an extra few papes every day so he could get that boy a proper doctor. A little voice in the back of his head was warning him that it was hopeless. It was screaming not to waste his time on something so doomed, but he didn't care. Besides, it was for Race. Even if it was for nothing, it wouldn't be wasted. Any effort he made would be worth it for every single day they got to spend together.

And as he sat in that room for days just talking to the boy and waiting for him to wake up, he began to realize things. Like all the years that he had taken for granted. He never once sat down and thought about what his life would be like without Race sneaking in through his bedroom window every night. He never imagined what it would be like to sell alone at the races, never once daring to risk his money on the bets. Hell, he never thought he'd lose Race to the refuge even for just a few days! They spent years hiding what was then only an innocent friendship with Race somehow finding the means to sneak back and forth between Manhattan and Brooklyn hundreds of times.

Race never got caught. Not doing anything. He stole Finch's slingshot? No one would ever know. He snagged one of Henry's combs? Hell if anyone else knew! The refuge never even seemed like a problem until all of a sudden there he was.

Spot spent that night and many others not leaving that tiny room for longer than it took to go to the bathroom or to grab Race a glass of water from the tap in the kitchen.

Two days had gone by when Race finally started getting antsy. Hell, he hadn't seen his friends in ages at that point! Jack and Davey had been paranoid, not letting anyone into the room without showering first, swearing that if there was any way to prevent any more germs from getting in there, they would take full advantage of it.

But then Race asked to see Crutchie.

They all knew he was going to eventually. Crutchie had even been asking Jack if he could ever since the boys got back, but it was just too risky at first.

Until they thought, maybe it wasn't.

After all that time, Crutchie would finally get to see the boy that literally almost died just on the off chance he would save him. He wasn't sure if he could even bring himself to do it.

It wasn't until December twelfth. The worst day.

Everyone had thought things were getting better. They all thought the refuge was behind them. The strike was over, the newsies throughout the city were living better than ever before, and it seemed like that meant Manhattan too.

But that was before Race seemed to stop getting better. Sure, anything had been better than that cramped little cell in the refuge and it did wonders at first just to be back in the lodging house, but soon enough, there wasn't much else that fresh air and a bed could fix.

And that was when Jack started working harder. He took at least an extra fifty papes every day just in an attempt to get some more food for the boy at the end of the day.

And then Spot stopped leaving Manhattan. He would sell some papes through Manhattan's circulation if Race was asleep, and if he wasn't, he refused to leave his side.

It was awful not knowing whether anything they were doing was making a difference at all.

Most of Manhattan's boys weren't even allowed into the room where they were keeping Race. That is, unless he specifically asked for them. They claimed it was too dangerous and they couldn't risk the chance of making his infection worse by bringing in any unnecessary germs, but Race knew the other side to it.

They didn't the boys to see him.

Race couldn't really see what he looked like, but he knew it had to be bad. He knew however bad it was, it was enough to scare the kids, and that was all the answer he needed.

So he played along and agreed when he needed to that letting any extra germs in was a risk no one was willing to take.

But that morning of December twelfth, Jack came into Race's small room to try and get some fluids into him. Spot, who had refused to leave the boy's side yet again, was still asleep against the wall by the bed, his hand in Race's.

Race sat up slightly as he heard the boy walk in, accepting Jack's glass of water and sipping it slowly. The lukewarm drink still felt like heaven on his dry throat. He had gone a few days without speaking more than a few instances, but every breath was like sandpaper in his throat and he could barely fill his lungs from what felt like a pile of bricks on his chest.

Jack looked like a trainwreck. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and that didn't help the darkening bags under his eyes either. He never smiled anymore, not real ones anyway. He was too busy driving himself insane with guilt.

"Jackie," Race rasped, grateful that the boy was still close enough so he wouldn't have to strain his voice much. Jack looked up and met his gaze, a mutual sadness behind their eyes for the other's state. "D'ya think Crutchie's ready ta' see me?"

Jack twisted up the corner of his lips almost like the signature smirks that always used to paint his face, but this wasn't the same. But he nodded, shrugging his shoulders.

"I know ya' wanna' talk to 'im, he jus'...he's tryna' take tha' blame for all a' this. He's jus' scared, 's all. I's sure if I told 'im you's real eager ta' see 'im, he'd give in," Jack spoke with something akin to fondness in his tone when he spoke about his friend, almost like he felt the same.

He did, Race knew he did. Jack just wouldn't let himself admit it, but he felt responsible. He tortured himself with that guilt just the same.

"Thanks," Race mumbled, a small smile creeping its way out in hopes of reassuring the other.

Jack nodded once more, bowing his head as he stood, carefully closing the door behind him.

As soon as Jack was gone, Race squeezed Spot's hand gently, watching as the boy began to stir. God, he really was nearly as bad as Jack. He instantly sat up on his knees, switching his position to be able to assess the other. The panic in his eyes was almost natural at that point as Spot quickly feared for the worst.

Race smiled weakly, reaching up as he cupped Spot's cheek in his palm. The latter chuckled awkwardly, still slightly uncomfortable by the affection.

"I's okay, Spotty. Ya' don't gotta' worry all tha' time, I ain't goin' nowhere," Race whispered, softening the other's expression. Spot covered Race's hand on his face, leading it over slightly as he quickly kissed the boy' palm.

"I ain't gonna' stop worryin'," he stated, Race nodding as he knew it was true. "But I'll try."

The other smiled, his baby blue eyes once again holding a sparkled the way they used to.

"Thank you," he mumbled, leaning over the edge of the bed as he bent his head forward onto Spot's shoulder. He tilted his chin just enough for his chapped lips to meet the other's tanned neck and he felt his pulse beating.

Spot ducked down, his fingers curling gently around the other's shirt collar as he found Race's lips and kissed him for real that time. It felt like it had been so long. So, so, long. The hand holding his shirt slid back up to hold the base of his neck and Race tossed an arm over Spot's shoulder. They couldn't stop smiling. It was like a trance had suddenly changed everything, even for just a moment.

For just a moment, Race didn't feel like he was breaking apart. He didn't feel like every touch on his body was a burn. For once since he had left, he felt like he could breathe right and his headache wasn't making him dizzy, this time it was just the giddiness in his heart that made him feel like he was floating.

"I love you," Race murmured breathlessly as they broke apart, leaning their foreheads together. "I nearly lost my head in tha' refuge  afta' ya' said that, Spotty. I...I thought I wouldn't eva' be able ta' say it back, but I love ya'. I love ya' so much."

Spot had tears in his eyes when he leaned back. His hands were shaking as he quickly reached for Race's.

"Wait, did I...did I do somethin'? Spot, baby, I's sorry, I didn't mean ta', I swear, I jus'-"

Spot kissed him again, holding the back of the boy's neck as Race's surprise slowly turned into pleasure and he relaxed, winding his arms around Spot's shoulders.

"Don't ya' dare apologize," Spot grumbled breathily, only pausing for a second before diving back in. "I love ya' too, you goddamn idiot."

Race chucked, freezing as he heard the door creak open. He pulled away, looking up towards the door as his face went beet red. Crutchie was standing in the doorway, a mix of relief and embarrassment on his equally-red face.

'H-hey Crutch," Race spoke up, his voice cracking and definitely not helping his embarrassment.

Crutchie smiled, shifting in place awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"I, uh...I can go if ya' want," he suggested, an uncomfortable forced smile on his face.

"No! No, it's...it's okay, we's jus' sayin' goodbye, right Spotty?" Race nudged his boyfriend's shoulder as the latter only gave a small sigh of disappointment. Race glared a little, but Spot just stood, bending down to quickly kiss the other's forehead, and he reluctantly left. "Thanks for comin'. I, um...I didn't really know what ta' say. Still don't really."

Crutchie crossed the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed beside Race as he listened to his friend ramble.

"Oh, it's okay," Crutchie quickly assured him. "I didn't really...know what ta' say either, I guess."

They didn't speak for a moment. Crutchie couldn't speak as soon as he heard Race cough. He watched the boy clutch his hands to his chest as his throat rasped and Crutchie felt sick.

"I can't," he mumbled, leaning forward to bury his face in his hands. "I can't jus'...sit here."

As Crutchie stood, dragging himself over to the door, he looked back at Race and the heartbroken look on his face said it all.

"Char-"

"I fuckin' did this ta' you," he breathed, his hands gripping at his face and hair as tears pooled in the corners of his eyes. Race tried to stand up, immediately wobbling like a foal on his stick-thin legs. He hadn't tried to stand without help in ages. He should've known he'd be in a sheepish heap on the ground within a few seconds. Crutchie tossed his crutch to the side as he tried to catch the other, but, as he should definitely know after years of using his crutch, he too, found himself on the ground.

And then Race laughed. It was small and hoarse, but it was a laugh. Crutchie looked up from frantically trying to make sure the boy was okay and felt himself relax.

"Sorry," he mumbled, blushing a little as he brushed away the tears that had been spilling down his cheeks just moments ago.

Race smiled sheepishly, folding his legs underneath his body as he picked himself up off the floor. He opened his arms, gesturing for the younger boy to come closer as he pushed himself across the floor to hug the other tightly. Race winced at first at the tightening of his skin that stung his chest, but it soon began to fade into numbness and he let himself focus on making sure that his friend was okay.

"I's so sorry," Crutchie mumbled into Race's shoulder, the shakiness returning to his voice. Race forced out a weak chuckle as he curled his arm up around the boy, ruffling his hair a little. "I's so sorry, this is all my fault, I...I should'a been tha' one in there, not you's. We don't...we don't trade lives."

Race felt his heart fall through his chest as it shattered on the floor.

"W-we don't trade lives for each other," Crutchie shuddered, gripping onto the back of Race's shirt in tight fistfuls. "Y-ya' can't give ya'self up jus' for me, I don'-"

"Crutch, I ain't tradin' my life for anythin'," Race interrupted. His eyes were tried and puffy, but stern. Not a hint of anything but honesty. "I wasn't gonna' let ya' in there, I know it ain't a place you's eva' gonna' get out of, so's I figured I'd give it a shot. Ya' know me, I's too stubborn ta' let 'em keep me locked up for long. It's jus' a matter a' days b'fore I bust outta' this joint too."

Crutchie giggled a little, redness filling his cheeks. He let his smile stay that time as Race coughed again, this time a little harsher, but Crutchie tried not to worry as much. Race was still there. he was still the annoying asshole who wouldn't let anyone keep him cooped up for long and before Crutchie could even blink, he'd be back on the streets jogging over to Brooklyn like nothing ever happened. He knew it. At the time felt so real he could see it when he shut his eyes.

So he did it again.

That night, just before the sun went down, Crutchie looked up from his book. With more convincing than the boys would like to admit, Crutchie was able to get them to agree to let him keep watch that night. He was almost certain Spot was probably still sitting right outside the door and Jack was probably sitting in the common room right next door with his ear to the wall, but he didn't care. It had only been about half an hour since Crutchie came back, but he was so much more relaxed than when he first showed up. Race was just drifting in and out of sleep, coughing every one in a while, and then going back to bed.

He never could've seen it coming. It didn't matter how many times Davey told him it wasn't his fault, or that he couldn't have known something was up, but he couldn't stop thinking about all the things he missed.

It had been less than half an hour when Race started coughing and didn't stop. After a few coughs, he closed his book, rolling over onto his side.

"Race? You okay?" He tried not to let the increasing worry show in his voice, but he could tell it was plastered all over his face as soon as Race rolled over onto his back and looked up at the other. "Oh shit, okay, j-jus' hold on a second, I's gonna' go get Jack, jus' s-stay right 'ere." Crutchie rambled, scrambling to his feet as he collected his crutch and practically flew out the door.

Just outside the door, as they both suspected, was Spot. He dashed in right behind Crutchie as he slid to his knees, immediately looking everywhere but Race's face.

"H-hey baby," he whispered, trying to choke back the panic in his voice as his throat went dry. God, his heart was going to beat right out of his chest if he didn't find some way to fix this. "It's gonna' be okay, I promise. I won't let anythin' happen to ya', I swear. Not ever again."

Race smiled a little, mainly just for Spot's sake, but it was there. He couldn't deny that the way Spot took Race's hand and held it to his own chest to prove he was there made him feel just a little bit better. Race opened his mouth to speak, a dry, raspy sound coming out instead as Spot quickly reached over to run his thumb over the boy's lips.

"Shh, don't hurt ya'self, Tony. It ain't worth it, jus' save it for later," he teased at the end, a little watery smile covering up the little devilish, self-conscious voice in his head telling him there wasn't going to be a 'later'. He blocked it out. He had to.

So Race didn't speak, he just pulled his hand away from where it held Spot's against the latter's chest, bringing it to his lips and kissing it softly where their fingers wound together. As he lifted their hands away, he closed his eyes softly for just a moment, taking a couple slow breaths as if he had the wind knocked out of him. His shaky inhales were painful, it was written all over his face, but he still held it back and didn't let it show.

That made all the difference after Jack stumbled in the door, catching himself from falling on the doorframe. It was like slow motion as Jack's confused look shattered into horror. He clutched his mouth, leaning his head into the doorframe, a few seconds of hesitation, possibly disbelief, crossing his mind before he opened his eyes again and nothing had changed. Not a dream. No, not even a nightmare.

"J-Jack?" Race spoke up, looking over Spot's shoulder as the mentioned boy moved to kneel beside Spot.

"Yeah, kid. I's right here," he spoke, forcing his lips to curl up, but not even coming close to meeting his eyes. "I's right 'ere, jus' like I's been every step a' the way. I ain't goin' nowhere, kid."

Race managed a small smile before coughing again, this time too fast to grab a scrap of the old rags and simply coughing into his hands instead. Nothing could ever prepare the boys in that room for the look on Race's face when he pulled away his hand and blood came dripping through his fingers and dribbling down his chin. He looked dizzy, like the thought of seeing something so horrific had finally sunk it, but Spot quickly climbed around on top of the bed, seating himself right beside Race as he sat up against the wall.

"C'mon Tony, ya' gotta' sit up, jus' come 'ere n' sit wit' me," he murmured, sliding his hands under Race's shoulders and pulling him back from behind, holding him tight against his chest. Spot wasn't sure if Race could feel his heartbeat pounding against his back, but it was there, searing and throbbing and absolutely fucking terrified. "That's it, you's okay, I got ya'."

Race winced a little as he finally reached a comfortable position, but he knew he would rather be curled up with Spot than alone in that claustrophobic little room drowning in his own blood.

"J-J-Jack?" He croaked, the aforementioned boy taking one of his hands as soon as he spoke.

"Right 'ere, kid," Jack sighed, trying to keep the fear out of his voice to the best of his ability.

"I don't wanna g-go," he cried, his eyes wide and full of tears as Jack froze under his gaze. "I...I's scared, Jack."

Spot's arms tightened around his boyfriend as he leaned forward, kissing the crook of the boy's neck. There was a small spot on Race's shirt where the other's tears had fallen.

Jack couldn't move. His mind was spinning in circles and everything hurt. He couldn't. He couldn't just...die.

He had promised. Jack made a promise when he took over Manhattan that he would protect those kids and now...now he had no idea what to do anymore. He wasn't sure if he was still crying, he couldn't feel anything, just the dizziness in his head and the knife that felt like it was twisting right into his heart.

Spot whispered something into Race's ear that only seemed to make things worse. Jack would've been the first to go after him, but for once, he couldn't bring himself to move.

"Everythin's gonna' be fine," Spot rambled, almost as if he was trying to convince himself, rather than Race. "I ain't gonna' let anythin' happen to ya', don't ya' know that? I ain't gonna' let you go, ya' should know by now, I ain't good at giving up, Tony."

Race smiled weakly, a slight tilt of his head giving him space to bury his face into Spot's neck, rolling onto his side and giving Jack a full view of the thing that was causing this whole mess. Right there, in the middle of Race's chest, was a spot of blood seeping through the front of his shirt and dripping slowly down through the holes in the fabric. Jack felt sick.

"I-I-I's so s-sorry," he shuddered, surprising himself that he was actually able to form words. Race looked up, his tired blue eyes meeting Jack's teary brown ones and not moving even for a second.

Race didn't move, instead, he just reached out a hand and grabbing onto Jack's. He was shaking so much Jack wasn't sure he was even consciously moving, but the second he could, he held tighter than he thought possible.

"J-Jackie, I ain't m-mad at ya'," Race whispered, Jack shaking his head, his hand covering his mouth as he tried to get himself to breathe easier. "I-I ain't mad at all, jus'...jus' d-don't leave m-me."

Jack shook his head again, firmer this time as he sniffled, ducking his head as he lifted their conjoined hands to his forehead. "I can't lose ya', kid. I ain't goin' anywhere, but you gotta' promise me ya' won't go neither."

Race laughed, a tiny, raspy, heartbroken laugh, and Jack blocked out every other sound. "Jack, ya' know I c-can't do that."

The latter sniffled, nodding slowly as he took shaky breaths.

"Y-yeah...," he sighed, his voice cracking as he forced out a smile without an ounce of believability.

They could've sat like that for hours with Spot holding Race tightly as he whispered quiet sweet-nothings in his ear and Jack sat beside the bed holding onto his hand and refusing to let himself think about anything else. It was almost so perfect. It was almost as if nothing earth-shatteringly awful was happening, but then he heard the screaming.

"Jack! Jack Kelly I know you's in there, c'mon! Let me in! Kelly, I swear ta' god, let me see Race! I's done waitin', let me in for fuck's sake!"

Race would recognize that voice anywhere.

"A-Albert?" His soft whisper was almost inaudible, but it was enough to raise Jack to the door and get him to open up.

And, speak of the devil, there he was. Albert stood at the door, Skip standing beside him leading him over. She was frustrated, it was written all over her face, but she didn't falter when Jack opened the door looking like someone who'd already been to hell and back.

"I ain't allowed in, I's sure," Skip sighed, almost as if she just wanted to say it to call Jack out. He glanced over his shoulder, but shook his head as he turned back to her. "Sorry, kiddo. I jus'...I don't want ya' ta' see this," he sighed, his voice heavier as Skip nodded, hugging him quickly before turning away.

"Tell 'im I miss 'im," she mumbled before turning away without another word. Jack looked up, his eyes meeting Alberts as the red-haired boy who always seemed to be sporting the palest skin of the group somehow seemed to have gone even paler. His face looked like he'd seen a ghost and Jack ran a hand through his hair, preparing himself before he opened the door for the boy, knowing that even if he didn't like what he saw, Albert didn't care.

"Be careful. I...I know I don't gotta' tell ya' not ta' say anythin' too scary, but he's terrified, Al. Jus' be there for 'im," Jack spoke, the other sniffling as he stepped inside.

"Oh god...," Albert whispered, Jack turning around as he shut the door behind them and Albert shakily stumbled into the place Jack had just been sitting. "Oh god, oh god, oh my fucking god, Race."

"Al-"

"No!" He snapped, sinking to his knees beside his best friend, taking his hand just like Jack had just been doing. "N-no...ya' don't get ta' tell me how ta' do this, Jack. Not this time. I's done listening ta' you's, not when this is what comes from it."

Race looked between Jack and Albert, shrinking away from both as he moved to sit closer to Spot. He couldn't bring himself to deal with his friends fighting, especially not over him.

"Allie, c'mon, it...it ain't w-worth it," he mumbled, but Albert wasn't having it.

"No, ya' know what? No, I's done 'ere. I paid for a week 'ere n' as soon as tha' weeks done, I's out. I got a fam'ly I could stay wit', n' I's been stayin' 'ere for so long 'cause I thought I had a fam'ly 'ere too, but from everythin' I know, a fam'ly wouldn't stand for one a' they's own stuck on his fucking death bed 'cause you thought we needed a few extra pennies," Albert cried, tears spilling down his cheeks as he glared at Jack, the latter slowly backing away as he looked back and forth between Albert and Race. "I don't care what ya' think ya' could or couldn't do ta' stop it. You's still tha' one that got us all inta' this mess, n' you's always gonna' be tha' one responsible!"

The silence that followed Albert's outburst was nearly deafening.

Jack stood there frozen for ages before he simply nodded, ducked his head, and turned towards the door.

"Jack," Race spoke up, his voice breaking as the former turned back around, looking at Race, now shifting away from both Spot and Albert. "Jack, y-you promised."

He froze, his hand shaking right above the doorknob. He promised. God, he had never wanted to keep a promise less in his life, but...he would do it if it was what Race wanted.

"Jackie, ya' s-said ya' w-w-wouldn't leave m-me," he rasped, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he finished, a smeared line of blood now brushed from his lip and down to his chin. Jack felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. He turned, not meeting Albert's eyes as he slid down on the end of the bed, facing the three others.

"I ain't goin' nowhere, kid. B'sides, you's ain't allowed no go nowhere either," he supplied, smirking half-heartedly.

Race didn't respond, he simply dove back into Spot's shoulder, his shoulders shaking heavily as he coughed, the other running his hands up and down the boy's back. Race pulled away, tears pouring down his cheeks so quickly they mixed with the blood running from his lips. He frantically tried to rub as much of it off as he could, the red stains now covering the front of his shirt and his hands, not to mention the boy behind him.

"S-s-stop," he whispered, his voice wavering as if he was dizzy, still not looking up at anything.

"Race-"

"A-Albie, ya' g-g-gotta' g-get outta' 'ere," he slurred, looking up as he met the boy's eyes. Albert had angry tears brewing in his eyes as the horror took over his expression. "P-please."

"Wait, what? Race, what tha' hell? I can't jus' leave ya' here!" He grabbed for one of Race's hands, but the latter pulled away, grabbing at Jack instead. He took a deep breath, wiping the corner of his mouth once more before he spoke.

"Al, y-you's my b-b-best friend. Ya' know t-that, b-b-but I c-can't have ya' b-b-blamin' Jack. He...h-he's tha' only one that's b-b-b-been wit' me t-through this whole m-m-mess. I c-can't do this w-without 'im," he cried softly, his voice barely audible and so raspy it sounded painful just to listen to. "Albie, ya' g-gotta' let us d-d-do this. I love ya' s-so much, b-b-but I c-can't h-have ya' in 'ere."

The mere seconds between that last word and the moment Albert moved to stand up could've been hours if you asked any of the boys. But he stood anyway, leaning over as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders, gripping the boy so tightly the others were afraid he might break, but Race did the same and they stayed like that for a moment before they finally began to move.

"I really do love' ya, brother," Albert spoke sadly, the tears in his eyes now beginning to slowly fall. "I-I's so sorry."

"I k-know ya' d-do," Race smiled, his eyes genuinely crinkling at the corners. "D-don't touch any a' my f-fuckin' cigars, a-asshole."

And Albert finally smiled as he stood, walking right up to the door before he stopped, balanced on the balls of his feet and he turned his head over his shoulder, a watery smile on his face.

"No promises," he whispered, both of their smiles fading the moment he stepped out the door.

So Race leaned back against Spot, wheezing a little like he was out of breath.

"Kelly," Spot started, absentmindedly weaving his fingers through Race's hair as he caught Jack's attention. "Get 'im some water or somethin'."

Yeah, Jack could see it in his eyes that Spot wanted a couple minutes alone, and yeah, he could hear it in his voice that as soon as Jack left the room he would break, but he stood anyway and nodded, not saying a word as he left. He took one look back at Race to make sure he was alright with the boy stepping out for a second, but he was way too distracted by Spot and frankly, getting his attention was a situation he definitely didn't want to be in.

"Tony?" Spot's voice was shy and soft as his breath nipped the back of Race's neck. He turned his head, looking up at the boy with his arms around him. A small smile appeared as their eyes finally met. "You doin' okay right now?"

Race shrugged, curling himself up a little as he looked away, resting his head under Spot's chin.

"C'mon, T, ya' gotta' help me out 'ere. I ain't goin' anywhere, I's here ta' help ya'. I gotta' know what's wrong so's I can fix it, okay baby?" He was so soft, so gentle, it was no wonder he wanted Jack to leave first. "Please, Tony. There's gotta' be somethin' I can do ta' fix this."

Race just tightened his arms around Spot's middle, shaking his head against the other's chest.

"Race, baby, I...I ain't jus' gonna' give up on this, you...you know I can't do that," he spoke, his voice wavering like it was seconds away from breaking.

"J-jus' hold m-m-me...please," Race mumbled, not really sure if it was even loud enough for Spot to hear, but it seemed to work because Spot just pulled him closer and ran his fingers through his hair, just like he always did whenever they were lucky enough to be alone. The silence was nice. It seemed like they were constantly slipping in and out of silence in that room, but it was nice. It was comforting the way they never needed to say anything, they were just perfectly happy laying there together.

That is, until things really took a turn for the worst.

Race coughed. Just once, nothing they hadn't all seen before, but then it happened again. And again. And again, and again, and again until he couldn't stop and there was blood all over his hands and dripping from his lips and he was crying and screaming with pain until Jack came running back. That moment as Jack ran in the door and Spot looked up at him with his boyfriend screaming in his arms, they knew

They were in the endgame now.

Everything was moving in slow motion. Spot's hands gently running up and down Race's back as he coughed, Jack's footsteps as he moved to crouch back down beside the bed, even Race's own tears seemed to be falling slowly as they all carefully made sure not to scare the boy further.

"H-hey, kid," Jack spoke, placing a hand on Race's knee. He was going to put on a brave face. He was going to put on a brave face and make sure that kid knew he wasn't alone and he was going to do it no matter what was about to happen. He owed the kid that much, at least. "You...you feelin' okay right now? Ya' know, like...ya' pillows n' shit?"

Race chuckled and both of the other boys had to admit it was nice. Just seeing another genuine smile was really, really nice. He nodded and Spot slowly kissed the side of his head, where his forehead met his hair and Race leaned back against him.

"Good ta' know I's makin' a good pillow, T," Spot said, pretending nothing happened when his voice broke as Race interrupted his sentence to cough his lungs out again into the crook of his elbow. He leaned back as he finished, his face plastered with pure exhaustion. No one should look like that after just coughing. His eyelids were drooping and his cheeks were so flushed it reminded Spot of the first moment after Race kissed him for the first time and-

No. Nope, he wouldn't ruin the best day of his life by thinking about it during the worst. No way.

"Jack?" Race asked, making Jack's heart jump into his throat for about the fiftieth time that day. "A-am...am I gonna' d-d-die?"

And there it was. The painful truth none of them had let themselves accept until that very moment. He said it. He said exactly what they were all thinking and that made it real because if Race felt it too...then they weren't just worried for nothing. So Jack ruffled his hair and pulled him in tight against his chest. Just in case he didn't get to do it again. Just in case.

"Don't worry 'bout anythin', kid," he spoke softly, nodding to Spot who had finally, after that entire ordeal, let his tears fall. Jack knew he had been avoiding the exact same thought. "That 'aint anythin' you's gotta' worry 'bout, I promise. Me n' Spotty, we's gonna' worry 'bout that, you-...you jus' try ta' relax, yeah? Think ya' can do that, Racer?"

A shrug and a small nod between wheezes and coughs was enough of an answer to Jack and it wasn't like they would get more even if they wanted it. Race laid almost fully on Spot, resting his head against the boy's chest with an arm wrapped around his middle and the other gripping the front of Spot's shirt tightly. They could both tell he was in pain just from the way he was laying. He didn't want to say anything, Race literally never did, but this was apparently no different. Always one for pride, Race would swallow his own and wouldn't let a soul know he was anything but perfectly fine. There was no reason to hide it anymore, but old habits die hard and that was definitely a very old habit.

"H-hey, S-S-Sean?" He stammered as he spoke, not even lifting his head from off the boy's chest.

"Hmm?"

"I's s-so t-t-tired," he whined, a hint of a yawn sneaking into the end of his words.

Fuck.

Spot looked at Jack and Jack looked at Spot and they both knew exactly what the other was thinking and hell no. Nope. No. No way.

"Y-yeah?" God, he tried so hard to stop the tears from falling as he started to rock back and forth just a little, keeping his love securely wrapped in his arms. "W-well, I think ya' can h-hold on a little longer for me, Tony. B'esides, it-it ain't even m-midnight yet."

Race nodded, rubbing his eyes and keeping them open a little longer.

"R-right," he breathed, not looking at either of the boys as if he was simply thinking out loud. "I get t-ta' see Sean at m-m-midnight, d-did ya' know t-that, Jackie?"

Shit. Okay, delusions kicking in was definitely not a good sign.

"O-oh, yeah? That's funny, because I think he got 'ere a little early, ain't that right, Spotty?"

Spot bent his head in, kissing the boy's cheek as Race beamed.

"Y-you...you're 'ere already!" He grinned as far as he could, his eyes lighting up and his trembling hands reaching up to cup Spot's face. "I m-missed ya'."

Spot took one of Race's hands and dragged it over to his lips, kissing the inside of the boy's palm. Jack honestly felt like he was intruding a little, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. Not now, not ever again.

"I missed ya' too, baby," he mumbled against Race's hand, dipping his head and letting himself be held for once. "B-but it's okay, I's here now, yeah? We's got plenty a' time now."

But Race shook his head. "I...I-I's still so t-t-tired."

Jack lifted himself off his knees to sit on the edge of the bed, accepting as Race reached for one of Jack's hands. He ran his thumb over the now fading bruises that remained on the boy's knuckles from their stay in the refuge. God, it seemed like so long ago now. He honestly thought things couldn't get any worse after that.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

"Jackie, you's a g-good big b-brother," he spoke, smiling as Jack quickly brushed away a few tears that fell. Maybe Jack smiled back because he didn't believe it, or maybe he smiled back because just seeing Race's undeniably contagious smile was rubbing off on him, or maybe he smiled because deep, deep down under layers and layers of self-doubt and constantly questioning if he did enough for his kids, he knew they all turned out alright. Some of them, so much more than just 'alright'.

"Thanks, kid," he sighed, reaching up to ruffle Race's hair just a little. "You's a pretty good little brother too."

And that seemed to do it. Pleased with his affirmation, he turned his head back up to Spot and laid as comfortably as he could in his arms.

"H-hey Sean?" He asked, the tiniest flush of color rising to his pale cheeks. "C-can...can I have a k-kiss g-g-goodnight?"

Spot nodded, biting his lip and shutting his eyes tight as Jack watched tears roll off his cheeks. He looked back down as Race's shaking hands reached up to gently brush away his tears.

" 'Course," he whispered, taking Race's face in his own hands. Even through it all, his eyes were still that beautiful baby blue that made Spot fall in love from the moment he first saw them. He couldn't even imagine what he would do if he never saw them again. His boy and his beautiful, beautiful face. His smile and how it spread across his face when he laughed, creating dimples in his cheeks and crinkles in the corners of his eyes, and...before he could make himself think of all the things he wanted to see right then more than anything, he just kissed him and prayed it would never end.

"Love you," Race mumbled as they slowly pulled away, a small yawn following as he kept his eyes shut for just a few extra seconds before he opened them again.

"I love ya' too, sweetheart," he spoke against the boy's lips, pecking them once again as he slipped a hand into Race's hair, wrapping his fingers around the boy's curls. "So, so much."

"Good...g-good, that's...that's r-real nice Spotty," he rambled, sinking into the boy's embrace. "I...I's gonna' take a n-nap, 's that o-okay?"

Silence. Purely terrifying silence. The kind that feels like if someone breaks it, the whole world will shatter into millions of pieces. The kind that, once it starts, it feels like it's never going to end. Even if you don't want it to. And Spot and Jack? God, they never wanted it to end.

"Y-yeah baby, if you's sure," Spot spoke, his voice shaking with every word.

"Y-yeah, I...I's sure," he yawned, curling around Spot. "A-actually, no."

Jack chuckled, a watery sniffle to follow it and he wrapped both his hands around one of Race's own. "Take ya' time, kid."

"N-no, I, uh, I w-wanna say s-somethin'," he mumbled. "J-Jack, I...I wanna t-tell ya' s-somethin'."

"Go for it, Racer."

"J-Jackie, don't b-beat ya'self up, p-p-please," he sighed. One look up at the other and Jack Kelly would never forget the look on his face. "I k-know you's g-g-gonna' feel like...like it's ya' f-fault, but I...I d-don't care 'bout w-who s-started tha' strike, I j-jus' hope ya' let ya'self g-g-get over this."

Jack shrugged, leaning his head against the wrapped bundle of their hands.

"P-please?"

"Sure thing, Tones," Jack smirked, the smile not even coming close to meeting his eyes.

"Heh," Race chuckled. "Y-ya' 'aint ever c-called me that b-b'fore."

"Ya' like it?" Race smiled and Jack took that as a little victory.

"Y-yeah...yeah t-tha's...," he trailed off, rubbing his eyes with his free hand before wrapping it around spot's shoulders and burying his face in his neck. "Hey, S-Spotty, t-thanks for n-not soakin' m-m-me the first t-time I k-k-kissed ya'."

Even Jack could laugh a little at that.

"Me too, babe," he smiled. "H-hey, how's about ya' relax a little, yeah? I know how much ya' love ta' talk, but I don't want ya' hurtin' ya'self, Tony."

Race shrugged, coughing a few times into his palms before he swung his legs off the edge of the bed, grabbing Jack's shoulders for stability as the other two freaked out.

"Race? Race, kid, c'mon ya' gotta' stop, jus' sit back down n' we's gonna' relax jus' like Conlon was sayin'," Jack spoke, quickly opposing the boy's force and trying to law him back down.

"I-I's fine, jus'...jus' let m-me...," Race trailed off, his grip faltering on Jack's shoulders as he let his chin fall against his chest and he hung his head in exhaustion, wheezing breaths filling the stressful silence. Jack let go with one hand, letting Spot catch Race from behind as he reached for the boy's face to lift his gaze.

Race shrugged himself away from the boys' efforts, sinking his head into his hands as he groaned meekly, a pained whine slipping from his lips as his breaths became labored.

"Kid, c'mon ya' gotta' sit up, it ain't good for ya', Racer," Jack mumbled, replacing his arm around Race's shoulders and quickly maneuvering him back to lay as flat as he could against Spot's chest.

Race's incoherent mumbling continued, making his slow, disoriented blinking slightly more worrying. He just looked dizzy.

"J-Jack?" He slurred, not meeting the former's gaze as his eyes fluttered sluggishly. "Jack, Jack, J-Jack, Jack."

The almost rhythmical chanting of the boy's dazed rambles shouldn't have meant anything to Jack, but he couldn't help but feel the sick stiffing in his gut that kept pleading for him to do something, to help him, to make it stop.

"Ya' gotta' focus for me, Ant. I can't make it stop if ya' don't try ta' work with me 'ere," Jack spoke, reaching for a glass of water beside the bed. Race shook his head when he saw it. He placed a hand on his own chest, his breathing dry and painful and confusing Jack for a moment before... "No. No, c'mon, kid, I ain't givin' up, ya' can't give up on me, I cant-"

He cried, finally letting the tears that had been brewing in his eyes burst as one sob made him grab for Race's hand.

"Tony, listen ta' me," Spot whispered softly from behind him. He kissed the underside of Race's jaw gently before continuing. "I know it hurts. I know it's so hard, n' I would take it myself in a heartbeat if I could, but ya' gotta' hold on. I can't lose you, T."

Race inhaled sharply, a small stream of blood trickling out from the corner of his mouth. He looked exhausted. Spot wasn't even sure if he'd understood what he was saying, but he needed to say it.

"I-I...I c-can't, Sean," he rasped, so quietly Jack didn't even hear more than breath, but Spot sure seemed to know what he said. He kissed Race on the forehead, rubbing circles on the boy's hollow cheeks as he started to slowly rock back and forth.

"Please," his voice cracked, his pleas falling silent as Race ignored his words and simply laid back against him.

Jack had a million things circling through his head that he wanted more than anything to be able to say. Besides, how do you even begin to pick your last words to someone when there's so much left unsaid? His head was throbbing and his ears were ringing and he couldn't tell if he was even speaking or not, but he needed that boy to know. He needed him to know everything.

And then it ended. Pleas fell on deaf ears and hands reached for limp ones and racing heartbeats met halted ones. His eyes were closed softly and it hit Jack like a ton of bricks as he stared at the boy laid in his friend's arms. They wouldn't open again. His lips were parted so slightly that one look at them felt wrong. Those lips always had a cigar between them and on the off chance that they didn't, they were spouting insults and jokes left and right but...not anymore. He couldn't look at Spot, he didn't want to see his face. He could see the tears falling off his cheeks and onto Race's but, he couldn't look at his face. If he looked at Spot's face, he'd see his own in it. Race didn't know. God, he had so many things left to say and now he lost his chance. 

How Jack had gone almost three years of leading Manhattan without anything like this. He had somehow found a way to keep his entire family of brothers and sisters safe for nearly three years to the point where he almost felt untouchable. It got to the point where he didn't even worry. He dove right into the strike without thinking twice about what could come out of it. It just didn't seem like an option. Never once in the strike did he think of the refuge, or his kids getting hurt, and not once did he think something like...this would ever happen. All throughout their time at the refuge, Jack wouldn't let himself believe anything could get any worse. When the strike rally took a turn for the worse, he thought that was as bad as it could get. When he watched the bulls go after Crutchie, he didn't think it could get any worse. When he immediately got caught up in his own fight, barely holding his own against Snyder's goons, he still thought that was as bad as things could get. Alone in the refuge? Nope, it got worse the moment Race got tossed in there with him. With every passing day in that absolute hell-hole, he told himself that that was the worst of it. It couldn't get worse than that. But it always did. It got worse every single day without fail.

Now here they were.

And Spot.

All those years ago when he ran away from his family after his father died, he didn't even think he had a future. He just wanted to get out. To get away from his mother and away from his house full of memories of his dad, and he never expected for some kid just a few years older than him to ask him if he needed a place to stay and actually give him a home and a job. He thought he was untouchable simply because no one dared to get close enough to him to do it. Until Race. Antonio "Racetrack" Higgins was an asshole with a quick wit, luck too precise for his own good, and probably the most addicting smile Spot had ever seen. One joking insult Spot had tossed his way on Race's first day selling at the Sheepshead and the smile that followed meant Spot was doomed. He never had a chance. In all honesty, he never had a chance against Race. From the moment Jack Kelly brought him over to Brooklyn and around the rest of the city to formally arrange his second-in-command, making sure they all knew who to go to if anything were to happen to Jack.

They never once planned what they would do if something happened to Race.

Spot took one look at him as he shook that boy's hand and he decided somewhere deep within his fortress of walls that he didn't want to let go. He decided that day and no matter how hard he tried, it never seemed to go away. He was glad it didn't. God, he wouldn't give that up for all the time in the world. It was selfish, he knew it, but he would rather have a short time than no time if it meant they could be together. He didn't even know what he would do now. He couldn't just go back to Brooklyn like nothing ever happened. For the rest of his life, he'd be carrying that on his shoulders, no matter what. But he had a job to do.

How were they all even supposed to do that now? Jack had to go out there and tell all of them their brother was gone, Spot had to go back to Brooklyn and pretend "that kid from Manhattan" wasn't the love of his life that he held in his arms as he died.

Manhattan would have to go out there and clean up the mess of the strike like it wasn't the worst decision they had ever made. Jack would have to go out that door and tell Skip that the lodging house wasn't always like this. That she just lost another brother and it hadn't even been a month since they'd come home.

Jack had to tell Crutchie the boy who saved his life had just lost his own.

Jack had to tell Davey their little 'crusade' had its first casualty.

Jack had to tell Albert his best friend was gone and there was nothing left to do.

Jack had to tell the whole house that...by the terms of the city's newsies they had to replace him already.

Jack had to tell them all that their friend was dead and it was his fault and he was terrified and in pain and Jack didn't do anything to stop it and he lost a kid oh my god he lost a kid.

Manhattan was crumbling to the ground from inside one tiny room. And no one knew but the remaining two of a trio that once ruled the whole world, whether the world knew it or not. They were kings in a world full of helpless subjects, terrified of the ones who did not hesitate to show their power. There was no hesitation when it came to homeless kids trying to keep themselves and their families alive when they got in the way of someone more important. Someone who doesn't know what it's like to find your own family. To pick up your sisters and brothers off the ground all tell them you'll make it through together. To find someone who's willing to put their own life before yours without a moment of hesitation. When someone knows there's no reason to do something for you, but they do it anyway because you're family and family doesn't care about the consequences of sacrifices.

When hesitation was gone, that was how they found their family. When Jack and Davey didn't hesitate to go on strike on the off chance that their families might not starve to death. When the kids didn't hesitate to jump into the fight the moment the bulls laid a hand on one of their own. When Race didn't hesitate for a second to step in and take Crutchie's place in the refuge because even though he knew he might not have much time, however little he had, Crutchie had less and that was always a sacrifice he was willing to make.

They didn't know what to do. How could they? It wasn't like they wanted to think about it and they definitely didn't have a plan, but they had to do something. They couldn't sit around because the longer they just sat around, the longer Jack let the guilt eat him alive, and the longer Spot cursed himself for not joining the strike before it was too late.

They were safe to pretend it was all a dream in that little room. As long as they didn't look and kept their heads in their hands and let their own sobs drown out any sounds around them, then they were fine. The moment they stepped out that door, they were not.

When they stepped out that door, it was hell. They were out, they were vulnerable, and it was real. They couldn't make it real. Jack knew exactly what his boys would say the moment he stepped out that door because they would see exactly what had happened written all over his face and they wouldn't be able to hide it for a second.

Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd be just as broken as the two and maybe they would understand. Maybe they would hug him and tell him it was okay when they all knew it wasn't and they wouldn't let that guilt tear him up from the inside out.

Because their family grew together, slowly but surely, and when they broke, they all broke together.

[baby-cabana]

Zero Waste Beginnings

I enjoy the concept of zero waste and minimalism. I made it my New Years resolution to try and reduce the amount of non recyclable waste I produce in my home. 

Its been really fun so far and now that I have the support of my (reluctant) husband, its made it a challenge we can both aspire to! 

Im not 100% zero waste yet but I like to find all the possible ways to integrate the life style into my everyday life.    

Reducing waste is about a total overhaul of your learned behaviour and trying to make it as easy on yourself as you possible can. 

Usually this requires a little planning ahead; ie. bringing your own reusable cups or bags, buying consciously, making your own products etc. 

Usually these behaviours have many benefits such as saving money, being healthier in addition to reducing waste so keep those things in mind to encourage yourself to continue. And its about finding little alternatives to your everyday products. You can start small! IF you usually buy fizzy drinks in plastic bottles, try buying a can instead, you reduce the amount you will consume and the can is easier to recycle. IF you buy your meat at the supermarket, bring your own container! Just ask them to weigh it on the scales and put it in your box! Same with fruit and veg, try and buy locally and buy unpackaged! Most fruit comes with its own natural packaging, your bananas don’t need an extra bag! 

If you do it right. It’s about doing the best you can, not doing the ultimate best. My Grandmother use to say; do your best until you know better, then do better. This applies to everything in life, but its very apt on your zero waste journey!

Minimalism is about not buying more than you need. Do you need 25 t-shirts when you KNOW your going to wear the same five over and over again? Why do you need to buy an expensive brand new anything when there are literally hundreds of charity shops out there that sell exactly what your looking for! And who doesn’t love a bit of a rummage!! Donate what you don’t need anymore, if there’s life in it yet and let someone else get joy out of it! 

The amount of things I have decluttered from my home during my house move shocked me! And what’s even more shocking is there is SO MUCH left to go!! Why do you need it? What joy does it hold for you? Im resolved to keeping only the most sentimental keepsakes and items that are useful. Everything else, IM packing up and shipping on to kinder tides that will truly appreciate them far more than I ever did. 

The best thing about a zero waste journey is the journey itself, not the end result.  It’s about being your best self and being supportive of others in the community. Helping each other out, educating people.

Ive found the zero waste a perfect medium fo socialists. 

I'm sick of ‘zero-waste’ shops and influencers who advocate buying le parfait/mason/fancy new glass jars for storing your organic flour, couscous, oats, etc. Actually I detest those who pressure people attempting to make a change for the good of the planet to "buy" before reusing what they already have. 

I recently took a shopping trip in the hopes of filling my kitchen with pretty jars and containers to appeal to the aesthetic and let me tell you those jars are fucking expensive!! 

To me, it completely defeats the object of reducing your waste if you immediately go out and buy a whole set of brand new glass jars to store stuff in. there is loads of glass packaging already in the world. USE IT. That jar of pasta you have in the cupboard…its a JAR!! Ok, maybe not the prettiest, but its useful!!

Why do you need a whole new matching set of brand new storage containers when your cupboards may well be bursting with exactly what you need!

Try your local charity shops, hell, even try the restaurants! Do you know how many jars THEY go through in a day? It would be well worth an ask at least! 

To become zero-waste shouldn’t be an extra financial burden we place on ourselves to appeal to the middle class aesthetic we see on the Internet; it should be accessible to everyone because it matters. 

Im focusing on the individuals contribution to saving our planet from smothering under plastic waste, however we should be doing all we can to make big corporations HEAR our concerns. ITs all well and good one or two of us changing the way we live but it will mean nothing if big corporations keep dumping in the sea, using one use plastics, relying on fossil fuels, fracking, nuclear waste, air pollutions…Jesus, they want to dum TOXIC NUCLEAR WASTE in the Mourne Mountains!! Ireland doesn’t have Nuclear facilities and we’re still feeling the effect of Chernobyl and fukoshima!! 

The list is literally endless. So sign petitions, march in protests, get off your butt and realise if we don’t do something now, our children can’t later! 

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[barelylivinblog]

We Went to Canada to See A Lot of Water

After driving through what seemed an endless route to the north pole, my boyfriend and I were crossing Lake Erie and heading across the border into Canada towards Niagara Falls. 

Traveling there wasn’t as bad as I’m letting it off to be, but being in a car for six hours definitely put a toll on my childlike soul. I spent almost an hour of the ride harassing my boyfriend by wearing his sunglasses and being ridiculous, which I now realize was a lot funnier in person than written out. 

If there’s anything I can tell you about taking a road trip, it’s very simple: Pack Snacks. 

Had my boyfriend’s mother not supplied us with a sandwich bag crammed with two breakfast bars, a nutty butty, and two bags of popcorn, I would have perished. We made the mistake not to stop when we saw food, and when I say food, I mean the shady gas stations along side the highway to nowhere. This was the best option because after so far along when we were actually hungry there was NO WHERE to eat until we got into Buffalo. At that point it made no sense to travel into buffalo when we could just wait until we got into Canada. 

Starving, we hurried along to our hotel and then quickly settled to eat at the Apple Bee’s right down the street from our hotel. Had we not been so hungry, I’m sure we wouldn’t have settled for the most American option. However, as my boyfriend said, it was easier knowing we were going to a place where we knew we would enjoy the food.

BUT.

To my horror upon looking at the menu: Canada’s Apple Bee’s DOES NOT SERVE BONELESS WINGS. I am an expert when it comes to American Apple Bee’s because if there was one close to my house I would eat there every day. The menu at the Canadian one was, to my surprise, much smaller. They didn’t even offer two for $25. 

Another thing I picked up on quickly was how expensive everything was. Even with the conversion I ended up spending double my anticipated amount just from eating and sightseeing. The only free part of the trip was seeing the Falls themselves. My boyfriend even had to pay to park his car for the weekend. 

Anyways, after paying what seemed like a million dollars for a meal at the facade that they called Apple Bee’s, we headed down to the Falls for the first time in the dark. In order to get there you had to walk down this steep hill (which continuously killed me when we hiked back up it) and walk under this bridge that still had been decorated for Christmas. The whole city was still decorated for Christmas which was nice considering our trip was a “Christmas” trip. 

Once you got so far down the hill there was a picture view of what I believed to be the only Falls. You see, there are two waterfalls in this area: The American side and the Canadian side. In my head the two falls were facing their claimed countries, but it turns out they were both facing the Canadian side. 

So I was staring at the American side, lit up by colorful lights, and thinking that this was the big sight to see. To be honest, I hadn’t even realized what I was looking at until my boyfriend said that the Falls were straight ahead. They, especially in the night, looked like projections of water. It was unreal. 

And then I saw the Canadian side, or the Horseshoe Falls. Which, again, looked like a large projections. My eyes could almost not adjust to what I was seeing because it was so unbelievable. 

After the magic of the falls and being showered in positive ions, my boyfriend and I headed back to our hotel. Below is a list of things we discovered about our hotel:

1. You cannot use bath bombs in the hotel tub or else they will charge you $350.00

2. Channel 4 is the fireplace channel

3. The vending machines only take dollar coins, HOWEVER, the dollar coins they have set out for you are a three dollar charge. 

4. The pillows were garbage. 

5. Hotel IHop was delicious but I paid 13.00 dollars for a meal I get at Denny’s for 4 dollars. 

6. The curtains that would make sense to be able to move DO NOT move.

7. The elevator will smell like weed.

8. The hotel gift shops snacks are very pricey. We lucked out after I spotted a general store directly across from our hotel and got snacks for a little bit cheaper. It was a good business, still selling stuff obnoxiously priced but not as pricey as the hotel. 

Our second day we went behind the waterfalls, and climbed over to Clifton Hill in search for something to do. We ended up at a glow in the dark indoor mini-golf course. It was a good way to waste some time and I think was worth the admission price. I was worried it was going to be crowded but everyone was good about waiting their turn which made it a cool experience.

That night, however, my boyfriend took me to the casino.The casino was really dazzling to the eye, but once you looked past the fancy decor and colorful flooring, it was scary how hypnotized some people were. I watched people who looked like their lives had been sucked out of them from hitting a button and betting away a lot more money than one should to a computerized slot machine. I had never been to a casino because in America I’m not old enough, but here all I had to do was show two forms of I.D. and I was stamped and sent on my way.

I ended up not gambling because it was a weird concept to me, but my boyfriend did. He was laughing and carrying on and all the older people were giving us dirty looks. It was fun to watch him, but now I fear he’s hooked (not really, I just like to give him a hard time).

The best part of the casino was the buffet. It was beautiful inside, the food was all very good, and it was one of the cheaper meals we had. We ended up eating there twice because of this, so I strongly recommend that if you are in a touristy area where food is expensive, look for that casino buffet. 

On Sunday, we explored a wax museum. It was the worst idea I’ve ever had. Like, I’m ashamed to admit that I was the one that suggested it. The museum was about the size of a house, but laid out in a way that made it seem larger. In order to appear this way, each room was sectioned off by doors rather than archways. At one point I felt overwhelmingly claustrophobic because we were in a small room with about five different figures. The figures themselves looked to be completely real or like creepy dolls -- there was no in-between. I thought this uneasy feeling of being scared that one of them was going to come to life was just me and my overactive imagination, but once leaving I found out that my boyfriend was also pretty spooked about the whole experience.

So to calm down we went and sampled beers. The servers never carded us or looked at us strangely, which made me uneasy as well but also reassured that I wasn’t being illegal. My boyfriend and I argued for which beer was best, but to be honest I don’t really care for beer at all. 

Speaking of servers and overall employees, they will never be paid enough to deal with rude tourists. I watched numerous encounters where tourists were being unreasonably rude to staff members and if there’s any advice I can give you about traveling: be nice to the workers and they will usually give you a nice experience. It’s the famous “treat others the way you would like to be treated.”

When Monday morning came, we headed back to the States and I took a well needed nap while my boyfriend played Smash Brothers to make up for his lost gaming time.

Overall, Niagara Falls was beautiful. I assumed that because of winter there wouldn’t be as many people, but it was pretty crowded over the weekend. However, we never ate a bad meal or experienced anything negative (other than the spooky wax museum but we have erased that from our memory). My only regret is that we didn’t explore as much as we should have. It was very easy to do things that we were familiar with instead of taking risks. My prime example of this was the Apple Bee’s, and although the buffet was amazing, next time I would enjoy to explore what Canada’s menu has to offer, food and experience wise. The most exploring we did was nearby, and we typically stayed close to what was familiar to us. The farthest we went was to a Hershey Chocolate World only to discover that it didn’t have the Hershey Factory Tour ride that our beloved Hershey Park has. In the long run however, we did a substantial amount of walking around and had a very relaxing trip.

To summarize: pack snacks, have a lot of spending money, and enjoy the view because it was the best part. 

[saints-row-2]

How DOES shit go for ezra's lil wasteland province that he takes over? Does life improve in that area? How long does it last? Im dyin over here

MAN i havent actually ... really thought much beyond the immediate ending of Fallout 4, when Project Purity are just starting to control the Capital and start turning things around. i guess i dont want to like tie myself down to shit if future games give me new ideas yknow BUT anyway heres what i think right now 

Project Purity is made up of a lot of disparate groups, largely raiders and people from Tallahassee and Ezra-Kane’s merc days, as well as wasteland recruits, fiends, ex-brotherhood, Talon company, other small gangs that Ezra-Kane absorbed into his militia... he just takes whoever wants to join and what that does also is make it so that a lot of people are connected to PP even if theyre not part of it; people are less likely to turn on a group when its giving their child, their partner, their neighbour etc work and a living wage. 

another thing is that Project Purity buys out (using money Ezra-Kane took from the Sierra Madre and from House) like... every fucking trader and trade route they can, and makes deals with every caravan passing through to work as protection etc, as well as rerouting caravan and trade routes through Project Purity affiliated settlements and towns which means very quickly Project Purity controls the vast majority of the trade in the Capital wasteland. 

something i hadnt mentioned recently is that both Ezra-Kane (eventually) and Tallahassee are ghouls and Project Purity has a lot of ghouls, super mutants (the ones who dont hate humans) and synths in its ranks. Ezra-Kane has some.. small drama with Atticus about the Railroad allowing Synths into the Capital later down the line bcs Atticus doesnt approve of any of this shit and doesnt want the synths just being taken into Ezra-Kane’s private army.

like i said, Project Purity doesnt do any of the like... settlement building and repair shit that the Minutemen do so people are mostly left to their own devices. but if you consider shit like Big Town? Big Town’s whole deal is that theyre unable to build a safe settlement because it keeps getting destroyed by super mutants and slavers. but Project Purity cleans out the super mutants and wipes Paradise Falls off the face of the earth (they completely destroy the slave trade in the Capital Ezra-Kane hates slavers) so.. in that scenario, there would be nothing stopping Big Town from flourishing as long as thats what the citizens want. (in theory).

really the big thing that lets PP grow and become successful is that there isnt an opposing force on the same scale. the Brotherhood left and went to the Commonwealth in Fallout 4, and got destroyed by the Railroad. the Enclave die in 3. if, say, the entire force of the NCR or the West Coast Brotherhood came down on them then no, theres a chance they wouldnt do as well, but theres really no one stopping them and thats what lets Ezra-Kane completely take over. people who dont like them are going to be too small-scale to be able to do anything. 

i think in a lot of ways shit would improve. Project Purity does bring a sense of security to the Capital; theres no slavers, theres no enclave or brotherhood, they even clean up feral ghouls and super mutants. they bring work and facilitate outside trade. its... more neutral than the Minutemen in a sense? because the Minutemen are very built around being the heroes who come to save people and help people, but PP are more about punishing people who step out of line. 

like to your average fucking joe who just lives in a small town and makes a living hunting mole rats or whatever, you probably dont fucking care at all. maybe your neighbour’s daughter works for PP and when you go to Rivet City to sell some skins and make some caps, you see some PP soldiers around but youre not doing anything wrong so who gives a shit. i imagine a lot of people like them because hey, they destroyed Paradise Falls and even if there are a lot of zombies working for them at least theyre not running around attacking people. 

i mean the real flaw is that the longer they grow and flourish, the more they have a monopoly on everything. like trade might be safer but theyre cutting a profit on all of it (running a gang has a lot of overhead). something like GNR isnt going to be around for much longer because Ezra-Kane isnt going to tolerate someone running a station which speaks out against him. something like the Regulators, people who are hunting bounties on bad people? no fucking way is competition being allowed. 

and like. the Capital is still sick. the water is bad. the land is bad. its a shitty, hard place to live with or without the raiders and PP isnt going to do anything about that. Megaton is gone so thats one less active, successful town. Ezra-Kane’s whole plan kind of places the entire brunt of actually developing a world worth living in on the people living in it. PP holds a huge amount of capital and power, but its not helping people. which i think could incite a huge amount of resentment; no one’s fond of the rich guy whos hiding in the background while everyone else struggles. and as mentioned, theres not going to be a real way for people to speak out against them. Project Purity is there to keep bad people out, but theres nothing inviting good people to stay in, really. 

Project Purity’s survival is dependent on two things; the Capital Wasteland actually staying populated and alive, because if people keep drifting out in search of a better life elsewhere, theyll eventually be sitting on an empty crop of land, and on no one bigger challenging them. like i said before, the reason PP took over easily is because there was no one to stop them. if, say, the Brotherhood came back, they could probably demolish Project Purity. 

oh, and the people who work for PP actually staying in line because if a big enough chunk of soldiers mutiny then its looking pretty bad pretty quickly.

as for how long it lasts... like i said, Ezra-Kane and Tallahassee are both ghouls, and they deliberately recruit a lot of ghouls to work for the company and particularly in high-ranking positions, which means theyre not going to age out in a hurry. but theres a chance... yknow... if everyone turns on them? dead. if they do get targeted by a rival group? maybe dead. if PP expands too far outside of the Capital Wastes, spreads themselves too thin and gets killed by rival groups? dead. 

the plan for Project Purity is that they expand outside of the Capital and into other parts of america and i feel kind of inevitably Ezra-Kane is going to challenge the wrong person and go down in some blaze of glory... hes gonna die in his power armour with his gun in his hand, thats how ive always seen it. hes got too much ambition and hunger to change the world for it to be any other way.

JESUS CHRIST THIS IS A LONG POST................... tl;dr i think in some ways shit gets better just because people are given an opportunity to let their towns grow, but i think this is almost exclusive to big cities and towns and smaller farmers are kind of fucked. i also think the Capital’s really bad farmland means that people are heavily reliant on trade, which PP is monopolising, which is going to stew resentment. 

i think people in Rivet City or Underworld or other towns that form over the years will probably be more fond of PP than people who like... are struggling to have a living of any kind. i think a lot of people will just start leaving the Capital in the end, honestly. but for a long time... theyre just quietly sitting there, holding the Capital in a tight grip and waiting for someone to try to say shit.