#or don't nobody's gonna see it anyway
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kinda angsty art warning - tw very minor blood, religious (ish) imagery? idk dude
yeah. baby's first proper art I guess. rare that i draw something original that ain't schoolwork or just a headshot haha
idk why i did this but eh. kinda like how it turned out. maybe will clean it up later, make it neater, but for now i am fine with this the way it is :)
#god do i use the fandom tags#maybe later too scared#like its very bad#+ a little abstract#art#artists on tumblr#augh#too much of a wimp. but. going to embed it here. yeah tbis is TSP fanart technically loll#made tbis instead kf sleep :)#i shoukd make art more like genuinely#this is fun#just see a blank canvas and go 'oh no creatinf something new?? scary'#and then procrasinate forever#lol sorry that got off topic#enjoy the weird fucking art i guess#or don't nobody's gonna see it anyway#ah well
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i think that we often do forget that the black brothers were not inherently good people; they were more or less morally grey, more or less leaning towards the good/bad side. it's hard to fully unlearn beliefs of your family (and i think that many people resonate with this statement, whether we are talking about fictional characters or real, fully-fledged people), and i think that morally grey characters are far more interesting than people who are inherently good or evil.
sirius black
many people (including myself) would say that sirius is leaning more towards the lighter end of the spectrum, given the fact that he actively tried to unlearn his family's beliefs, he ran away from home at the age of sixteen and decided to move in with people who were recognized in the wizarding society as good people, he joined the order as soon as he finished hogwarts, and, even after the unfortunate ending of the first war, he decided to join the order again and stay inside a house that was never a home for him, to ensure the safety of himself, the order, and harry, too. his last act was the attack at the ministry where he found himself, despite the fact that he was supposed to stay inside grimmauld place, and where he died.
however, we cannot deny that sirius, too, had slip-ups. one of them was the prank (to review what happened, essentially, he told snape how to get past the whomping willow, therefore revealing remus' secret to him). in this situation, sirius shows recklessness and a lack of thought towards the consequences that his actions could have towards not only himself, but severus snape and remus, too. his behavior showed a lack of altruism, and a lack of consideration for the people around him, being willing to put them in danger for whatever may have been the reason.
another one would be swm (snape's worst memory), where james is a part of the action too, but the tormenting of snape was unjustified (j&s started the fight, and snape responded) and ended badly. now, i am in no way a defender of severus snape's, but both j&s and him were acting based on either boredom (the aforementioned) and a need for revenge caused by the actions that had happened against him (the latter).
in canon, we are also shown that he does not exactly think the words he says, and the effect they have on people. (“You're less like your father than I thought.” — GoF). i think that sirius had no right to say this to harry, who was just trying to make sure that sirius would be safe. what we need to remember is that, by the time of the action of GoF took place, sirius was still on the run, and the ministry was still looking for him; it would have been dangerous for both him and harry (and whoever might have joined them) to go out of hiding and go meet up somewhere near hogwarts (hogsmeade). harry's response to sirius' request was logical, and sirius' response was reckless and not well-thought.
regulus black
we do not have enough information on regulus to fully state on which side of the spectrum he finds himself on. however, he was known to have held the same beliefs that his parents did and to be an open voldemort supporter (The Slytherin colours of emerald and silver were everywhere, draping the bed, the walls and the windows. The Black Family crest was painstakingly painted over the bed, along with its motto Toujours Pur. Beneath this was a collection of yellow newspaper cuttings (of voldemort), all stuck together to make a ragged collage.)
therefore, to some extent, we can safely assume that he held the same beliefs as him (and, implicitly, his parents). the voldemort collage might have been on the wall for either research purposes or an act of devotion (this interesting perspective has been added by @/werewolfenthusiast) we cannot be sure; however, i am inclined to think that it might have been a mixture of both.
furthermore, i think the fact that regulus only started actively betraying and going against voldemort only after voldemort's actions had direct consequences on him and the ones he loved — kreacher, and this is shown in two acts; (wording taken off the hp wiki)
After becoming a Death Eater, Regulus began to consider abandoning Lord Voldemort, partly because his master mistreated and intended to kill the Black family's loyal house-elf Kreacher whilst setting up the security measures for one of his Horcruxes.
One day, Voldemort asked Regulus for the use of his house-elf, Kreacher and Regulus eagerly accepted as he wanted to please his master. Voldemort used Kreacher to test the defences around his locket Horcrux, leaving him to die afterwards. Kreacher was able to escape using house-elf magic and told Regulus of what had happened. Regulus worked out that the locket was a Horcrux and was the reason behind Voldemort's immortality. This was the deciding factor in Regulus's defection.
therefore, regulus has been shown to feel remorse and to start to realize the lenghts lord voldemort would go through only when his family (implicitly, his house-elf) were targeted. however, by researching horcruxes and trying to destroy one of them, regulus (un)willingly helped the wizarding world towards voldemort's fall.
all in all, the black brothers are two complex characters who, to some extent, held their family's beliefs and values. whether they had actively tried to unlearn them (sirius) or their betrayal was slow and silent (regulus), and neither of them can be fit in the category of inherently good or bad people.
#i'm just realizing right now that i kind of format this like an essay and so consider this an essay about the black brothers#and i also hope that nobody's gonna like jump at me because of this so if you don't agree with me#and if you do consider them inherently good or bad people just scroll away please#anyways i personally see characters that are not inherently good or bad for more fascinating and captivating then the ones that are#and u'd like to read more fics in which not only the black brothers but also other characters are not morally good or bad#because the very same way that people are not inherently good or bad I think that that applies to characters as well#and i try in my fics to make characters not only good or bad also offer them traits from the other side of the spectrum too#so for example if a character is majorly morally dark i'm also gonna offer them positive traits and vice versa#anyways enough rambling!!! tags#sirius black#sirius black meta#regulus black#regulus black meta#the black brothers#the black brothers meta#the noble and most ancient house of black#the noble and most ancient house of black meta#meta#my writing
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if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:
don't ❤️
#just!!!! make a rec list!!!!!!!!!#popularity contests do nothing but drive writers out of fandoms by pitting people against their friends#and invariably result in people being assholes in the comments as if the people who wrote the fic can't see it#like ''oh clearly fic x is better than fic y''#or ''why is fic c even in this poll?''#nobody gains anything by you doing a bracket to see which fic is the ''most popular''#a stat which could be found more easily & less cruelly by simply hitting the sort by bookmarks/kudos button on ao3#anyway ugh. i saw that one of my fics was being pitted against one of my friend's fics in this bracket that's going around#and i have no idea who is ''winning'' because i refuse to look. but either way it's gonna feel bad!!!#because i want my friend to get his flowers so i want him to win!!! but i also would like to know that people like my fic!!!!#so it's just a lose/lose situation even though i generally don't give a shit about numbers#but this turns it into a schoolyard popularity thing#and the emotional response to having people *vote* on if your work is *better or worse* than other fic is hard to ignore#cannot reiterate enough JUST MAKE A REC LIST#or if you absolutely must do a bracket like this do it in a private chat server or something#don't create a public forum for people to pass value judgements where the authors can see it#and feel bad if they get told their fic is ''worse'' than someone elses#but also feel bad if they get told theirs is ''better'' because it came at the cost of telling another author they weren't good enough#ANYWAY i still feel sick with a super sore throat and a headache & am probably extra cranky because of it#(still testing negative thankfully so it's probably just weather/allergen related)#gonna go make some tea and prep the fic updates i want to post today#cass says things#fandom problems#wank adjacent
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ooof ok senpai otoko no ko wins the award for getting me to read ahead in the manga, not a lot of anime can say they've made me do that
#text post#noragami is one...who else#i did poke around in ranger for a bit but i think that was for something translation-related#anyway#no way in hell am i ok with waiting a week for that conclusion#i actually really like ryuji and senpai (i forgot his name lol) bc childhood friends#they have history it's so sweet#but i don't think the story is going that way#i think he's gonna get with aoi OR nobody's gonna get with anybody#ANYWAY I MUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS
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oh no somebody I do not want to know about my online presence might have found this account luckily I didn't find anything suspicious in my follower list but oh my god
#nana talks#its literally my dad too I'm not gonna get into the whole lore of why I genuinely don't like him but he's an awful person#I hope nobody has to deal with somebody like that ever not even my worst enemy I'm not kidding#so like I'm hoping he's not stalking this blog#like literally what can he do not like its gonna drive me off of the platform I literally don't care about his opinion of me#but its still unsettling if he is trying to keep track of his adult daughter like this#anyways I don't know if I should reach out to tumblr support because like they probably can't do anything#literally up until I was like 15 he had stuff installed that would let him see everything I do online#eventually that app or something of his shut down and I was free hehe#like this man did and said the most horrendous things under the sun and he's like omg why does nana not want to spend time with him#I don't even care if he's reading this he knows that I don't like him#best thing you can do if you have someone like this in your life is just do whatever you want don't let them bother you that much#eventually they'll realise they can't bother you anymore#like literally for the longest while I thought he would never shut up with the insults directed towards me#but like a couple of months of not caring about it and not talking to him later and he left me alone#so like if anyone reading this can relate I am proof that it does get better my dad is the most stubborn and mean case too#so I promise you it will be okay
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#listen I feel like a fucking genius right now#I feel like I wrote this show#I'm predicting stuff in every episode and I haven't been wrong yet#and I don't think it's because the show is super predictable I'm just So Locked In to how this show is written#I See The Vision#I said Out Loud to myself over a season ago that if Rick was gonna get with anybody it should be Michonne#I WAS RIGHT#hey yk what? throwing my hat in the ring: I think Rick will die. I think he'll go too far and somebody close to him will have to kill him#I want it to be Morgan bc that'd be such poetic irony but idk#not saying I want Rick to die I'm just saying#anyways nobody tell me#I am 5 seasons (I think?) behind#update: haha oh
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I want to delete my account.... disappear for a bit........ but I WON'T I WON'T I WON'T I PROMISE
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#I'm my worst enemy atp HAHA#Idk a fresh start does SOUND nice#but this user is like. mine#it's ME#my identity if you will#and I also have a lot of memories here and while it is a messy account (which bugs me..... I wanna clean it out so bad but it's HARD)#and I'm going to see family on Thursday and we're coming home Sunday I believe#which is rlly cool bc I don't see those family members a lot#but my mental exhaustion..... It's tiring to interact irl#and online interaction is a lot easier for me personally#aaaand ik I'll probably get irritated a lot get frustrated lock myself away bc of that all#you get the point#my thoughts also say that if I were to disappear here it'd take a bit for ppl to notice/they wouldn't care that I'm not on the platform any#BUT IK IT'S NOT TRUE#I seek validation too much I'm gonna be completely honest#I want to know ppl would miss me I want to know I make a difference here but yk#my account always dies for a bit when I'm on some kind of break 💔💔#I was abt to get wayyy too deep there HELP#yeah probably gonna delete this list in a few hrs I always cringe at them later on bc of the stuff I say in tags#I'm too much of a yapper and share too much online#but nobody sees anyways#and me saying that stuff makes me call myself an attention seeker istg 💀💀#sorry guys 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏#I'm trying to make this humorous and not too serious 😞😞
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i'm drunk i want a girlfriend
#anyway whatever. in the morning i am gonna see this and be like 🙄 why did you post that#but sober me listen you don't understand i yearn to feel the touch of a woman.#and also i would be the best gf ever but nobody wants to give me a chance WHATEVER.#🙄
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Hmmm. What if I attempted to write a piece of Trash and posted it anonymously?
#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write#This post was inspired by...something#Namely me getting a Bad Idea for a fic (thanks to someone's else's fic)#And then feeling The Shame because I'm just like that and this would normally be enough to stop me from even attempting it#But then I was just like...what if I tried anyway and just stopped giving a shit?#I'm being super vague here because reasons#But...this bitch is tempted to just write some problematic poorly written trash and shove it out there for all to see#It's not like I have a reputation to worry about I'm a nobody LOL#But at the same time there's a bunch of reasons why I don't think I should bother#Shame is only part of it tbh there's other more valid reasons why#it doesn't help that most of the other stuff I've been working on is stuff I don't think I could ever post anon or not#I'm babbling on about nothing here what the hell?#This is what happens when I kinda-sorta inch my way out of a month-long writing slump and then I start getting Ideas again#Bad Ideas!#Folks if I'm really about to enter my IDGAF Era of writing it's gonna be a baaaaaad time for all involved...#OK that's enough Sam let's stop now#......................................the idea is for an OrangeHook fic#Or whatever people are calling that now
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Something seriously lacking in my art is the ability to tell a story in a single illustration.
I've gotten so used to drawing my characters standing around doing random things that I've never practiced telling a full tale/putting implications into my pieces that require more thinking/looking.
It also comes from a lower amount of details in my works by default [since I like to get pieces done fast], but I'm tired of using that as an excuse.
#vent#kinda#sorry I'm just having a rough one tonight but I'll recover lmao#I think the AI art thing is really getting to me cuz like.#Anyone can make pretty images if they study and practice hard enough#[not to detract from people who don't tell stories with their images!]#but something in my brain wants to fight back because AI will never be able to Tell a Story through its images.#It can't make narrative choices through its regurgitation of random elements. It will never tell a cohesive and interesting tale through#detail choice#the worst it can do is create surface-level 'pretty' images by smashing together a bunch of mushed up information#but storytelling? that's human touch#that's intention. Thought. Choices.#and idk it's really bothering me lately that my images almost never... 'say' anything about a character.#this does not apply to anyone else's art I look at#it's just a standard I'm starting to feel my head apply to my own work and nobody else's.#which I'm taking as a sign that this is something I'm unsatisfied with#but the thought of starting to develop a completely new skill like that? terrifyingly daunting.#Sorry for the wall of tags I'm havin' some hella moodswings tonight#happens a lot when I get inspired by art I see#which I'm trying to work on but yaknow#it's a long process#anyways how's your night goin#I'm gonna cheer myself up by eating some amazing asparagus casserole
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FINISHED GAIDEN
#rgg gaiden spoilers in tags#GUH. SNIFF. GUH. BUHHHHBUHBUH. FUCK#!!!!! EUGHHHUGHHH#WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME GAIDEN WAS GOOOODDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AUUGGUHEHGEHHVBBBBGHHG#SOBBINGNH BAWLING THROWING UP SHUDDERING SNIFFLING LIMP DREADFUL UGHHGHUUHH#EUGHHHHHHHHHGYUGHHHHHGGH#SORRY I WAS GONNA REFLECT BUT I CANT STOP TEXT GROANING LIKE. HYUGHHHGGGHHH GUHHHHHH#SOBBING INTERNALLY REALLY REALLY HARD RN...#it was such a good final sequence... like the whole final fight was so good#AND UFHGEYHG EVERYONES REACTIONS TO KIRYU COMING BACK.. AND HIS TO THEM ...#majima veing like yeah ywah ok sure thing joryu just. just don't run off too soon arright? GUHHHHHBWAUUUUHHHGGUUGUUHHBBBHHHHHHHHNNGGGHHHH#WET PILE ON THE FLOOR#and it's such a good final fight and final occasion for what's probably gonna be kiryu's final solo finale yknow?#captured the spirits of the others while getting the emotion and the hype in a way i havent felt with the past couple antags#yumi ring post credit sequence..... awhhhh 🥺🥺🥺 ...... he loves her.....🤧🤧🤧#GYUGJH so glad to see rgg finally remembering yumi oughhguhhh and theres at least one papa kazama substory#and obv Tonight is there so like. the trio have been acknowledged which is nice#anyway very happy to see ichi again i miss him OH THE HIDDEN CAMERA SHIT. HRNGHHH NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THATTT#HGUHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNMMNRHRGZGZHJDBDBD BAWLING BAWLING BAWLIGN BAWLIGN BAWLING FUCKIGN SCREAMING‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#nooooooooooooo god it's so fucking sad dude... houghrhhgh like kiryu just crying and whimpering for a few minutes and the screen getting#more and more covered with his tears (and snot oops) and just. hububububhhhhh AND THE WAY HE LAUGHED WHEN THEY SAID NO ONE BELIEVED HE WAS#REALLY DEAD AT MORNING GLORY.. CUTE. YEAH WE ALL KNOW YOURE BAD AT DISGUISES I LOVE YOU FOREVER JORYU SUZUKI TAICHI#my heart.... kiryuuuuuuu kiryu i love you so much forever and everrrrrrrrr kiryujuiuuuuiu. GHRBMRNRNBSHAHSV#sad. sad sad sad. but not empty. never empty.#hhhnngnhnnn and like just. pshhhUGH i really liked the side characters this time around. akame and tsuruno and shishido and nishitani#BOY WAS I HAPPY TO SEE THE (LITERAL) BLOODLUST RETURN JDGDJS THAT SCENE WHERE HES LIKE joryu you got me ROCK HARD and tsuruno's like#p-patriarch?? LAUGHING MY FUCKIGN ASS OFF THAT SHIT WAS SO GOOD. THEY CALLED HIM A CAT IN HEAT STOPPPJDGSJSHS#and the lighting was pretty and the environments were gorgeous and i really liked everything i did#theyre starting to make the dragon engine combat good lol
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posting for e.x.a.r. - [ 'it's out. keep it out.' ]
#i'm pretty sure sar posted the whole drawing on their blog awhile back#anyway it's almost 5 am we should be asleeeeeeep but i wasn't gonna kick xar out yk#idk how the hell they made that track but it scares the hell out of me#music#my music#i never know what to do for the artist tag for our own stuff cause not all of us say who made it (and we don't always know)#and the name we chose for like soundcloud and stuff is kinda mostly a placeholder i guess???????#depends how we spread the projects i guess#why am i always posting music in the middle of the fucking night when nobody is gonna see it#🙉🙈🙊#ITS NOT MY FAULT VULNERABILITY IS SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!#:/#okay bye#is it still considered an album art if it's just one song#i won't change it cause xar don't want me to but#i just wonder#okay actually goodbye now#i need a snack and sleep#love u all <3
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buttered noodles 💫💛🍜
#just me hi#it's just a Lot of butter cuz i don't like having pasta sauce w/ parmesan (something wrong w/ that idk hfbshv) so :3#i was thinking of putting garlic in it but idk if that would be good... do i wanna take the risk.. i mean you can't really go wrong with#garlic... Hmmmm....#//oh yea i am definitely gonna switch up my main blog theme ehe :3#and maybe my rb blog's theme too cuz i liked it when the colours were matching lol#maaaybe to blue.. i don't remember if i've ever had a blue theme so this might be the first blue theme ehe :3#i just like to have an Image for the banner so i need to figure out what i'd like that to be.. hmnmnmnmnm!#//alright you know what i'm gonna put garlic in this one second lolll#okay i put black pepper and garlic in it's not too bad :)#prolly shoulda put more salt in too cuz i'm craving it. salt <3#/having spaghetti cuz the meal is actually supposed to be eggs and i cannot have that lol#some people are upset about this! like my dad. and my brother who is making the food lmfsh#i didn't know food was being made i am innocent in this !! probably anyway#like nobody is more displeased by this than me dude. i wish people could actually like. describe what some foods taste like so that i could#actually see why they like them#but you ask and they say 'what are you talking about? it's just egg' but 'Just Egg' SUCKS dude what is Your Egg like. pretty please kfshvjg#and grapefruit? grapefuit sucks but my mom likes it and i can't understand Why#and i wanna ask what it's actually like and why she likes it but she only says 'idk it's good with salt' what does that MEAN#how does the taste change?? how would you describe it before that ? clearly it was good enough before the salt or you wouldn't have tried i#with that!! i just wanna know !!!!!#dark chocolate ?? Please ??? do you like the taste of restrained anger and resentment cuz that's what it tastes like lmao ???#Coffee ??????? i can't understand coffee without a bajillion tons of sugar (+ other things) masking the taste how do you. Deal#not even deal- Enjoy !! how are you enjoying it !!! Why !!!! and why does everyone think i'm trying to convince them it's bad when i ask#LMAO--#like i'm not trying to say it's bad i'm trying to figure out how it's good please. Please Man lmfvshjfvhgfks#okay so clearly i have thoughts on all that LMfvshgjhfs#bitter stuff sucks and i barely like sour stuff Sometimes. food is all around good though so lol 👍#//alr i'm gonna. [starts scooching away]#i am almost out of tags (rip unlimited tags i miss you so bad hfsvh <3) edit: i ran out LMFVHS ; TOODLES !!
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oc-tober day 6 - timeloop au
i think this is one of my favorite aus to be fuckin honest. worlds most normal couple goes into a timeloop and goes into a timeloop and goes into a timeloop and goes into a timeloop
worlds Most Normal Man
#doodles#the deathspeaker#au#dara#joe#i'm gonna be honest lads. i don't think they stay together after this one !!!!!#it's suchhh a fun way to explore the ways joe is honestly deeply fucked up in ways nobody realized#yeah he WOULD do this! he WOULD trap himself and his wife in a timeloop because it became a fun game to him!#no he DOESN'T process what he's doing to her! he thinks they're playing fun mind games while dara is in the torment nexus#dara wants to save him so they can see the rest of their lives together#he just wants to spend this day with her over and over.#they have. very different priorities on what the best way to get more time together should be#if their roles in the loop were reversed i cannot say joe WOULDN'T consider letting dara keep dying just to stay in the loop#but he would probably still try to save her anyways he can't do that to her#but he can kill himself in front of her over and over without remorse#its ok when its him
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one odd thing about going deeper is that I'm no longer satisfied with shallower. and that's, weirdly enough, a net positive. I've self harmed - eh, twice? in the last month. both were well into the criteria that should have got sutures and ignored it; suspect I hit a vein once and was extremely close to muscle, which feels kind of odd. yeah, it's ramped up; yeah, there's a lot of blood and all that kind of stuff. very high risk of infection, potential nerve damage and all that kind of stuff (though I have not got either of them; I scared off an infection that wanted to hang round by chucking quantities of alcohol on it). but at the same time. that's only twice. that's a lot better than previously.
#tw sh#the one from a fortnight ago. which i have told nobody irl about including the person to which i showed the first one. is still thinking#about healing and not really doing it yet. it'll get there. might have to wear a bandage or smth on placement#if we were going into winter i would think there was a serious concern of doing it a bunch more but for now i know i absolutely cannot#because it will be visible.#i mean it already will but im gonna pretend it was from months ago and hopefully deflect questions about just how i got such scars#actually the one that i think approached muscle is surprisingly close to healed and probably going to scar surprisingly little#the other one is simply too fresh still to know how it'll scar#should've taken progress pictures to monitor healing but was too scared others would accidentally see it#didn't want to traumatise folks#honestly was genuinely tempted to take one (1) photo of the more recent one and post on my secret sh tumblr but i talked myself out of that#anyway im fine#personal#puddleglum hours#yesterday dad hugged me and patted my arm and it was LITERALLY directly on top of the fresher one but i was able to Not flinch#fun fact: when you go that deep it is in fact Less painful than a few layers shallower#which i found to my own concern the first time and was freaking out thinking id done something nerve-related#anyway yes i really am fine prommy#fessed up to my doc about self harming anyway#and technically unless muscle is involved it is clinically described as superficial#(fat layer is the one where they will nearly always consider sutures necessary but some shallower will be dependent on how much they gape)#but also because of how much blood there is every time you kinda have to spend longer making sure you're not gonna bleed all over everythin#so that also stops me bc oh it's nearly midnight i cannot devote like two hours or three to making sure i don't wake up in a puddle of bloo#(hyperbole)#anyway in some ways i find this funny. probably should be vaguely concerned. but eh
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🏞🏞🏞
#the thing is I'm not proud of many things I've done. It's actually the exact opposite.#I kinda suck most of the time if I'm honest. but getting sober and doing it all on my own...#it's one of the only things I'm proud of when it comes to myself. sure.it's my third attempt but 1 year and 3 months...#it's the longest time I've ever managed to not try and deal with myself in a way that slowly but surely fucked me up in a very different way#I still struggle. some days are easier than others#but I'm still doing it.#being sober doesn't magically solve all my other issues but I don't spiral as much as I used to.#i don't think I'll ever be someone people can be around. which is like i don't blame people. i know how i am and how fucking difficult it is#to deal with that. the fear of abandonment that makes me push people away until they leave. the self-fulfilling prophesy of it all#the way i push and when i get the result i was expecting the immediate pull the fear and irrationality#the emotional disreggulation the self-pity#it's gotten better since i stopped drinking. less frequently and all that... but it's never gone not really#sometimes i think about the what could've beens.#what if my childhood went a little differently. what if my dad was there for me when i needed him. what if i wasn't me.#my ex best friend once told me that I'm to desperate to be saved. that nobody can do that anyway.#I'm not sure if I'd deserve it anyway. i have dreams in which I'm still me still dark and ugly and selfish and cruel at times#but i am trying i like to believe that i am already trying. i am. I'm just scared that it'll never be enough.#I'm not proud of many things but I'm 1 year and 3 months sober#only a few days and it's gonna be 1 year and 4 months#i didn't achieve much in my life but I'm here and i am trying every day i am trying and i hope on day it'll be enough#i hope one day i won't cause pain but build something good#sorry... I've just been thinking about it lately#because it is an achievement and i didn’t let myself be proud of how far I've come#alex talks#I'm still scared that people will look at me differently when they know... sometimes i feel like they can see the my rotten core anyway#to delete
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