#or despair and the belief that things will never get any better

[kirozai]

—BETTER AT LOVING YOU.

Sae has always believed that playing football was the only thing he was good at. Meeting you drastically changed his belief. Sae is reminded again while trying to teach you how to play football, which you fail. Badly… BUT he still loves you nevertheless.

content warnings: established relationship, tooth-rotting fluff, fem!reader, present to past flashbacks pairing(s): itoshi sae x reader word count: 1600+ A/N: idek

PRESENT.

“I don’t get it! Why the hell are there so many rules to a game that's whole premise is just ‘kick ball in goal, win.’” you say defeated.

Sae knew that this wasn’t going to turn out very well, but after your constant pestering for about 4 minutes, he gave in. 

The result?

Pouty you lying on the turf of the empty indoor pitch after about… maybe 20 minutes? After sliding away every single time he tried to pass the ball to you, you seem to have given up. 

“What if I get hit by the ball or something?” you said before.

“Then move on?” he says questioningly.

You did NOT take that well.

With a great big sigh, Sae makes his way to sit near your body and look at your exasperated face. He brushes away the loose strands of hair in front of your face. His eyes trace yours, “mesmerized and in love” the public would describe. 

Well. Sae is not denying any of those allegations.

“It’s fine,” Sae insisted “You're not planning to be a pro football player any time soon anyways.”

“See but if I was anyone else would you be saying that?” you questioned.

“No.” 

“Hmph! See! It isn’t really fine.”

“You’re you and everyone else is lukewarm and boring. Why does it matter that I treat them differently?” He squints at you.

Your mouth is left agape at his response. 

Sae’s lips turned upturned at the sight. You reply with a big grin on your face. It’s always a treat to see your handsome lover’s smile you always say to him.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

PAST.

Meeting a girl being chased by a seagull was not on his agenda this summer.

Sandwich in hand you rain around the empty sandy beach being chased by one, no wait two, hold on now three?! To simplify it you were being chased by seagulls, many, many seagulls.

Sae watches you with curious eyes, head swaying left and right following you as you try to protect your oh-so-precious sandwich in hand. Finally, after much anticipation, you throw the sandwich at one of the seagulls in despair, but he could tell that you were out of breath. Your hands on your knees heaving after much running from the evil sea birds, you whip your head toward the pinkish-maroon head man. 

Sae not being too far away makes out the words falling from your pretty lips:

“YOU! WHY’D YOU JUST STAND THERE?” You point at him accusingly.

Running up the stairs and… pushing him down to the ground?

“Ah. Oops. I didn’t actually mean it-”

And that’s where your sudden story of love began. After the apologies and bickering you forced him to buy you new food as an apology. Sae looks at you with an eyebrow raised, hands in pockets. 

“I’ve seen a lot of fans trying to ask me out, but I’ve never seen someone as stalkery and insane as you.” He says as if it’s a fact. 

“You were literally watching me for the past ten minutes,” you reply blankly.

Seems like Sae can’t argue with that.

He finds out on your little rendezvous that you're here in Spain for vacation and you aren’t a stalker fan. Though Sae questions if that’s true ever so often. Your intentions are clear though, after this, you want nothing to do with him.

Which… is new...

So in your next days in Spain, somehow fate has linked you two together in some of the coincidental places Every. Single. Day. Much to your avail. 

Sometimes it’s bumping into him again on a random alleyway. Others it’s you getting scammed in a tourist trap and Sae is just “too annoyed” to see a tourist get their money taken away.

Except, every practice he goes to now he wonders if he’ll see you again today. His mind used to be filled with only one thing and that was football, but somehow you’ve wiggled your way into his mind.

Maybe even his heart.

His stone-cold expression to you is just a challenge to break the ice even more and you find yourself growing warmer to the emerald-eye man. 

Your odd compliments and your unique character stir something inside of him. He continues to tell himself that this is only temporary and he’ll forget about you after you leave.

Even though.

Even though, he doesn’t want you to leave.

His brain is now filled with more of you than football. He thinks about what he can do to make you smile, to laugh. He thinks about what gifts you’d like next and if you’d like churros more or xuixos.

You ask him questions past his athlete life and ask him about things he likes to do. Unfortunately, he has no reply. He’s known nothing more than football all his life. 

So you open him to the world of, well, everything else. You force him to go on walks with you and visit random tourist places that Sae’s gone to millions of times, but every time with you seems brighter than the last. You teach him about your hobbies and other places you visited. You talk about your home country to him and reminisce about the times in high school. This summer is different, more you.

Time passes by and you two grow closer. Even his teammates see the subtle differences. They look shocked to see that Sae is doing something outside of practice.

At some point, the spontaneous meetings aren’t enough and at one of your meetings, you take his phone and add your number to him with a cute little selfie of you. You always remind him how much of a dry texter he is, but he always replies instantaneously even to your random texts at 3 am.

You’re “bearable,” he says. 

Bearable enough to have you as the only person who can bypass Sae’s Do Not Disturb.

Time slows when he’s with you, always experiencing new things with you.

Time doesn’t stop completely though.

At some point, you have to leave. It’s only summer after all.

And that fact leaves a bitter taste on his tongue.

You, however, don’t seem a bit worried. Sae frowns at the fact.

Until one day before your departure, he asks.

“Why don’t you seem fazed?”

“Hmm?” you say while stuffing all sorts of pastries in your face.

“About leaving I mean,” he says in a hushed tone.

“It’s not like this is goodbye though. We’re still gonna talk duh.” You say as if it’s a matter of fact.

Sae’s taken aback at your reply. He’s used to your random replies but this one seems so.. genuine. You don’t plan to leave this behind, your memories behind.

You don’t plan to leave him behind.

The day your plane departs is probably one of Sae disliked days. You wave at him but don’t say goodbye, instead it's a “See you Later!”

And you leave.

He wonders if you’ll text back if you’ll really keep your promise of staying in touch.

And you do.

You call him when your plane arrives back in your country. You tell him how bad the legroom was and everything else. He’s happy to hear your voice.

So after some weeks of constant calls, texts, and memes, you ask the dreaded question.

“So.. uh.. What are we?” you laugh nervously.

Sae is lying in his bed, it's currently 11 pm, very much past the time he should be asleep by now. 

“Saeeee…??” you drag out.

He furrows his brows, taking in the question. What are you two?

“What do you want to be?” He internally slaps himself at the reply.

“That’s so ominous.” You joke.

“I mean, I don’t know. Does the famous athlete Itoshi Sae have a secret girlfriend on the side right now?” you ask.

“No. Unless…” He trails off.

“Unless??”

“Unless you want to be mine.” He declares.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

PRESENT.

Sae smiles fondly at the memories. He blanked out out of pure embarrassment, but he recalls your reply being something like “Well you better ask me properly!” He remembers looking for flights for you to come back to Spain. And when you do things become official. You stay at his place because it’s “cheaper”, but you both know that it’s just an excuse. You spend time any time you can. He still clearly remembers the day when you called his penthouse your home. 

He knows he’s not very good at a lot of things out of football, but he knows he’s good at loving you. After a couple of years, he made you his wife. The one he’ll always come home to after a game or practice.

“Whatchu’ smiling about huh?” You beam.

He rolls his eyes.

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?!”

“I didn’t roll anything. You should be practicing rolling the ball around right now.” he says dryly.

“You’re so unfunny Sae.” You drag his arm down and topple on him.

“No more football!” You state loudly.

“No more football,” he repeats.

Sae never thought he’d be saying that line ever in his life. He never even thought of marrying anyone.

But sometimes fate can surprise us.

So while football was a bust for you it was still a good time spent in Sae’s egoist mind. Any time with you is a good time in all honesty.

You may not be the best at football, but that’s okay. He doesn’t need another football lover he just needs you to love him

And with this in mind,

Sae is good at football sure, but he’s pretty sure he’s better at loving you over anything else.

[regulusrules]

A very long meta explaining why the confession scene in Good Omens is the best that has ever been written and performed on screen

First of, the scene begins with two different realisations that makes each of them believe that their dynamic will significantly change (Crowley wanting to confess his love and Aziraphale wanting to break out the news about heaven). This, you can see, creates an unprecedented shift in their energy, makes them super excited (Azi) and super nervous (Crowley) to break the news to one another. And despite the two matters being drastically different, when Aziraphale begins his revelation we don't get the Miscommunication trope where Crowley listens to the offer and passively retreats back his emotions. No. He is steadfast in his resolution, in his love for Aziraphale.

And that right here is king attitude no.1, because even if Aziraphale just threw something so godforsaken on him, he won't allow himself to be cowardly or let go of the one person he loves more than eternity. Crowley still bares his heart, still lets it all out, because he will not lose Aziraphale in his naivete of still believing that Heaven is good and Hell is evil. (I write this with supreme detachment of my own beliefs lol) He tries to make Aziraphale understand that sides didn't do them any good the past 6000 years, that the only solid foundation they ever had was them, and that Crowley would rather have them than have everything.

The way you hear Tennant's voice breaking when he said “And we spent our whole existence pretending that we aren’t”, is the perfect reflection of how Crowley genuinely despairs the time they lost and wouldn't have any more of it. And even with how bare and raw he's feeling with revealing all this, he still goes on. He still tries to tell him and I would like to spend our whole existence together, but struggles and struggles because he's strung wide open. But he keeps trying.

Now you see here a moment of disbelief on Aziraphale's behalf, because he doesn't understand why Crowley would refuse going back to heaven with him when all Aziraphale remembers of Angel!Crowley was how utterly bright his eyes shone when he lit up the stars and surely Crowley must miss that too? He wants the same thing Crowley is saying, just in a different dimension. The “I can make a difference” immediately changes to “We can make a difference” because that's all what’s ever been for Aziraphale; them changing the small engines of the world according to their partnered will. He is genuinely benign and not ill-intentioned when he says “Nothing lasts forever”, because he truly wants a better life for them, a better existence. And that's when it gets better: Crowley has his walls back up, he's walking away, because he can't bear that he was never enough as he is for Aziraphale. That he was never worth reciprocation.

But Aziraphale doesn't let him leave.

And that is king attitude no.2, because he doesn't want Crowley to leave when things are strewn all over the place that they don't know where they stand. All Aziraphale ever wanted was for them to stand on the same ground. He asks him to come back to him but hides it by finishing it with “to heaven!” because the whole conversation is going too fast for him, and he's undergoing a religious crisis of sorts that does not end in 6000 years, yet even so he still doesn't want to lose Crowley because he's everything he has and he can't do it without him and “I — I need you!”

And that's when it gets reaaally interesting. Aziraphale's expression then turns from sorrowful desperation to rageful desperation, because he's baring his heart and Crowley is walking away from him. Their solid ground is completely shaken when he says “I don't think you understand what I'm offering you” because he's trying to be subtle about his love for Crowley and still direct as much as he can, but Crowley responds with a condescending “I think I understand a whole lot better than you do” and if this isn't peak human beings in their arguments, I don't know what is. Because we all think we are so misunderstood every time we get into an argument with someone we love, and we absolutely despise it when we feel patronized, so it's no wonder Aziraphale bitterly says “Then there's nothing more to say”, because if Crowley understands, truly does, then he'd see right past his fear to how much he loves the ground Crowley walks over.

And on the other hand I don't believe Crowley truly meant to be patronizing, but in a desperate last attempt he wanted to make Aziraphale understand what he is trying to say, what he spent his entire eternity feeling for Aziraphale, what Aziraphale would be giving up if he goes to heaven. What their life sounds like with no nightingales.

“You idiot, we could've been.. us” is the very culmination of love confessions. It took every single emotion and equated it. Tennant's delivery of it was unsurpassed in the way that it truly covers everything. And the way he grabbed Aziraphale, not entirely lovingly but desperately and angrily and, honest to God, awfully, is the reason why their kiss is so perfect. No queerbaiting, no beating around bushes. It is raw and sad and giving and agonising. Crowley wants to say see what you're giving up? See what we can have? And all Aziraphale thinks is how could you lay this on me now after everything, after every chance we could've been something, after me loving you from the first time I've met you. He's angry towards himself too, because nothing he can offer Crowley will be good enough that he chooses him instead of his choices. Sheen's choice in making his character grab Crowley's shoulder and let it go and then grab it once more in desperation is so unexplainably perfect of how much Aziraphale wants to hold onto Crowley.

But in the back of his mind, Crowley isn't choosing the same. Instead, Crowley's choosing to run from something that no doubt will rebound in their faces. They are angels and demons of heaven and hell, how could Crowley expect they could run and hide without being a repercussion later on? At least what Aziraphale is suggesting ensures that they will have a high position of power, enough to make them together, enough to make them happy, but instead, Crowley is walking away.

And when Crowley lets go of him, not the other way around because of course it is Crowley who must let go and detach from the utter pain that pierced his heart, you can see his expression being one of defeated longing. He sees all expressions passing across Aziraphale, sees how torn apart the other man is, too, and awaits just a semblance of anything they could work with. But instead, Aziraphale's face closes, and he tells Crowley “I forgive you”, and Crowley thinks this must be his second falling, because he's never felt more pain. “Don’t bother”, he says, yet still waits for Aziraphale outside and doesn't leave until Aziraphale has left him. Because in the end, Crowley would always be there for Aziraphale, even if he doesn’t feel worthy of it.

And that, my beloveds, is why eternity will remember this scene.

[anthurak]

Takeaways from the Volume 9 Epilogue:

--

One thing I really like about Oscar’s ‘If there was anything I wish I could borrow from you…’ monologue is that it laid out/confirmed something I’ve always felt was a major aspect of Oscar’s dynamic with Ruby that I nonetheless feel a lot of the fandom has missed: That Oscar very much sees Ruby as a mentor and an example to follow, and how their dynamic is specifically a foil to what we saw between Ruby and Ozpin. That Ruby acts as a mentor and example to Oscar in the same way Ozpin was to Ruby, and that Ruby is a far BETTER mentor and example to Oscar than Ozpin ever was to her. Which, as an aside, is a dynamic I can’t help but feel a lot of people have been misinterpreting as ‘ship-teasing’ and is one of the main reasons I’ve simply never been able to see Oscar as any kind of viable love-interest to Ruby. Frankly the dynamic of ‘Ruby is the mentor and example to Oscar that Ozpin couldn’t be for her’ is simply so much more INTERESTING than any kind of romance could ever hope to be.

--

Even in animatic form, Winter basically going overdrive on the maiden powers was a sight to behold. And her own monologue had all the self-deprecation we were expecting. Our girl is clearly holding on by a thread and it’s going to be REAL interesting seeing how she reacts and adjusts to her sister not actually being dead. As in, I can imagine a situation where Winter tries to throw herself into a heroic sacrifice with the belief that Weiss would make a better Maiden than her.

Also, Winter’s monologue giving major focus to how Penny is super-super-dead-dead-and-definitely-not-coming-back-for-really-realsies, as she is talking to the sister who she ALSO believes is DEFINITELY also dead? Specifically with the words that Penny is gone, when Penny’s last words to her were that she’d be ‘part of you’?

Yeah, there is no way in hell we’ve seen the last of Penny XD

--

The CROWN. Like it was only a few shots, but as someone who read the CFVY Books (which you totally should if you haven’t, they’re great), holy shit I was NOT expecting them to pop up here.

I mean, in hindsight it makes perfect sense that they’d be involved in Volume 10. They’re basically Vacuo’s equivalent to Vale’s criminal element and the White Fang splinter faction as Salem’s co-opted insurgency group, with Jax and Gillian joining Roman, Adam and Jacques as the latest of Salem’s unwitting patsies. It’s definitely going to be real interesting seeing the crew deal with them. Like it’s really fun to imagine Team RWBY in particular being kind of exasperated at seeing Jax’s probably doing a whole ‘With Salem’s help I shall be King!’ shtick after everything they’ve seen with Roman, Adam and Jacques.

Oh and if you don’t know, Jax has a mind-control semblance, so him trying to use that on Yang could actually lead to a sneaky callback to the Justice League crossover, ie; Yang doing a ‘Yeah, I’m not doing THAT shit again.’ XD

--

Qrow’s whole vibe through this is fascinating. Like his section may have been the one we already saw, but after seeing the abject depression and growing despair of all the other characters, Qrow actually being OPTIMISTIC hit so much harder.

--

Raven showing up at the end is… interesting.

I’ll admit that ever since we saw that specific clip a few months back, I’ve been rather conflicts about Raven showing up to deliver RWBY+J to Vacuo, particularly after Ruby’s tree vision. Like for one it felt a bit random and unnecessary. The tree already deposited the Ever After team outside of Vacuo so they didn’t exactly need help getting there. Not to mention that it kind of clotheslines the story-thread set up by Ruby’s vision; that she now has a reason to track Raven down to get the ANSWERS to what happened to Summer. Finally, it’s just kind of… random? Like where did Raven even come from to get the team?

But now having seen the clip with its intended context, I’m definitely more on board with it. Particularly hearing from Kerry and Eddy that the original ending for the penultimate episode had RWBY+J going through the portal to arrive at their memorial stone, and met by a ‘Mysterious Figure’, ie; Raven. Here it feels like were getting more set up to get answers later as to what Raven was doing at the memorial.

And really, now that I’ve thought about it more, this method kind of puts the thread of Ruby going to Raven for answers even MORE into focus. Like the story reintroduces Raven in the present right after Ruby got a vision basically saying ‘hey, Raven is important’. And now going into Volume 10, we’re pretty much perfectly positioned for Ruby to pull Raven aside for those all-important ‘Why were you fucking my mom? What happened to my mom?’ questions.

--

Finally… yeah that ending hit me a LOT harder than I was expecting. Like that ending was HOPE in its purest form and it was honestly beautiful to see. Particularly right now with the future of the show seeming so uncertain. I’ve personally been optimistic about RWBY’s future (in a manner not unlike Qrow’s vibes I suppose lol), but damn the hopefulness of that ending hit especially hard, and was something I’ll admit I needed. And I imagine the rest of us could use as well.

We'll be getting Volume 10. And 11, and 12, and however many more it takes to finish this story. At this point, I have no doubt of that.

[cringefailvox]

Can you share some radiobelle thoughts? I think it's an excellent ship but suffers from a strong case of fanonification

agreed tbh and long ramble under the cut

this is also the mild gripe i have with certain interpretations of radioapple, just because i do really enjoy their canon dynamic but i get the sense that characterization frequently gets sacrificed for the sexy, which is valid but not my thing. when it comes to radiobelle, i love their prickly push-and-pull of episode 7 especially, where alastor can't help needling and nudging and scratching away at her until she snaps, at which point he puts up his hands and backs off. he wants to provoke her into a reaction, but he doesn't want to actually damage their relationship. i think neither of them trust each other, not in any wholesome sense, although charlie wants to trust him and i think alastor resentfully acknowledges that she's in his corner -- he doesn't want her support, that jeopardizes his independence, but he does want her power and will gladly twist her affectionate overtures in his head so he can justify accepting them. he thinks she's quite naive and unaware of her own bite, and never tires of pushing her into showing her teeth.

on charlie's end, she knows exactly what and who alastor is. she's not stupid, but she is hopeful and kind, and a lot of her displays of optimistic ignorance are played up -- not fake, but exaggerated, i think, as a defense mechanism. it's a shield that protects her from despair. she's never going to be able to take pleasure in pain, so she chooses grit-toothed determination instead of cynical misery because she IS vividly aware of her own power, and how easy it is to misuse. she knows that alastor is a bad person and is absolutely manipulating her, but she chooses to focus on the aspects of his behavior that hint at a better nature inside him, that validates her belief in goodness. he's murdering dozens of loan sharks -> he's protecting the hotel. he's joking about dismembering people to get a commercial aired -> he used his leverage as an overlord to help her. he cornered and manipulated her into owing him a favor when she was at her lowest -> he gave her crucial information to fend off heaven, and then almost died for them. she rewards his positive behavior but aims to be indifferent or gently disapproving at best for his negative behavior. alastor's pride wholly prevents him from noticing this because he thinks she's incapable of manipulating him <3

for me it kind of boils down to each of them trying to make the other worse / better forever. psychological stalemate. alastor wants her to give in to her demonic rage as befits the princess of hell and charlie wants him to accept one (1) comforting hug without hissing at her the entire time

[nightcolorz]

There is something clearly unhealthy and immature about Marius inserting himself into Armand's every meaningful relationship with anyone else.

Yes, he helped Daniel in a crisis situation, but it seems like it could have done without the romantic subtext, right?

Then he became the maker of Benji and Sybelle. And this is the strongest connection, although he had nothing to do with these people 💀

It’s like he’s tying Armand to himself, isn’t it? He takes all his close people. Marius is literally everywhere.

While Armand himself is obviously trying to learn to live independently, without Marius and his influence.

Armand remains trapped in his power. He is afraid of loneliness, and all the people closest to him are attached to Marius for various reasons.

This thought makes me despair. Armand is still dependent on Marius. And, apparently, he's always will be.

Justice for Armand in a show, where Daniel will be on his side, without a sense of duty to Marius for taking care 🤞🏻

AGREED ITS SO FUCKED!!

It feels so insidious, like it comes off like Marius is intentionally sinking his teeth into Armand’s loved ones so that he will be inescapably a part of his life. It reminds me of how abusers r often family members the victims r regularly forced to interact with, but instead of this being inherent to the dynamic Marius is putting himself in those roles to be closer to Armand. I’m not sure that he’s doing that specifically with that goal, but I feel like it has to be at least subconscious.

I always think about how with Benji and sybelle, it seems like his only motivation is to insert himself into Armand’s life in a way that deprives him of agency or authority. He’s literally taking away his children by *making himself the father* and he’s taking away Armand’s agency to make choices for them by making the choice for him and then patiently explains to him like he’s a dumb child that marius just knows better and this was for their own good.

He basically does the same with Daniel, he takes in Daniel when he’s vulnerable and then isolates him from Armand so that Armand doesn’t get to be a part of his life anymore. It’s very parent of a teen mom deciding to raise the kids cuz the mom is too immature, but instead of a teen mom it’s a grown adult who continues to be treated by the parent like he’s too immature to have any relationship that isn’t being directed and controlled by Marius.

back to Benji and sybelle, smth that’s rlly upsetting to me about that plot line is how Marius begins initiating that dynamic by patiently inviting Armand to his house to reconnect with seemingly no strings or pressure attached, and Armand is very hesitant to open himself up to marius for understandable reasons so he is very distant and none responsive to this offer. And so since Armand isn’t budging, marius offers to help him out by looking after his kids, and Armand agrees to that and it’s kind of an olive branch where Armand is allowing himself to trust Marius by allowing him to be alone with his loved ones. And Marius takes that opportunity and decides to inescapably tie Armand to him by inserting himself into his family dynamic and ruining everything Armand has built by making it his own 😭😭 it’s so fucked, and it seems like such a direct reaction to Armand being distant and hesitant to open up to him

I think Marius does all this partly cuz he’s scared to loose Armand, and partly bcus he sees Armand as his biggest mistake who should have never existed, and in that feels responsible for controlling his life/“taking care of him” so that he doesn’t “cause any harm” that Marius would be responsible for. It’s also definitely an insecurity thing. I think Marius is insecure seeing that Armand is fine without him while Marius (guy who should be the “strong one” in the relationship) can’t stop thinking about him, so he tries to take control of Armand and revert back to their old dynamics so that he can validate his own power + validate his belief that Armand needs him

[starshipsofstarlord]

“I’ve changed. Give me another chance.”

Summary-> Kai returns from Hell, realising that he has a lot of making up to do with the woman that he loves, although she doesn’t want to give him her forgiveness, he isn’t deserving of it after the destruction that he released (1.6k)

Warnings-> angst, mentions of death, loss of magic

kai parker works other tvd works main masterlist

He could feel the judgement through her eyes, it made him feel sick - guilty. There was nothing he could do take back his past actions, but he could be better for his future ones. She was always the one that claimed that he wasn’t an abomination, but now she was looking at him as though she had never thought that, as though she was like everybody else.

“Damon, how could you?” Her voice was hoarse as she squinted towards the vampire, exasperated by the situation before her very eyes. It showed that she was far past caring and had finally fallen down the hole of thinking Kai Parker was a monster. She’d been there at the wedding, she saw the destruction that he had caused, the carnage that had came from his endless chaos. There was bitterness on her tongue as she looked at him.

“Y/n, this isn’t about you and him,” it never had been, Kai thought, “we’re all trying to stop Cade. Mister lactose intolerant here included,” Damon cringed as he remembered Kai’s stomach problem in the diner, “so we might as well work together. It’s nothing personal and he’s the only one that can bring Elena back.” Of course, he had to be getting something out of it other than defeating the most dangerous enemy that they had faced.

Y/n was friends with Elena, but that had obviously never mattered to Kai, he only wanted to cause an outrage of pain, and she was the one still suffering from it. Her y/e/c eyes rolled as she crossed her arms, the only emotion boiling in her body being outrage. “And what, he’s going to be the one to turn me human again after I died along with his sister and countless others? You saved me Damon, and for that I am grateful, but this… this I’m sure as hell not.”

Kai’s eyes widened from her words, staring at her. Not only had he massacred the last of his coven and snapped the necks of vampires, but he had killed the only person he held any emotion for. It felt like he were being staked in the heart, he knew how it felt to be a witch without power, but now y/n wasn’t even that. She wasn’t a witch any longer because she had no time to heal, and she had succumbed to death with poison in her system. She’d turned, and he hadn’t even been there to hold her for her final moments.

“Y-y/n…” there was a lump within his throat, making it rather unbearable to even breathe. He had told her that she shouldn’t have gone to the wedding of Alaric and Jo, but she had never been one to listen. And then she had tried to stop him… It was all his fault, their powers collided as she grew weak, blood pouring out from the wound in her stomach from the splintered roof, and then she watched Damon kill him.

There wasn’t a single thing that he could do to make things right, he realised that. She should never have trusted him, otherwise dying from his fault wouldn’t have pained her so much. They’d been the Romeo and Juliet of the present, sneaking into the forbidden depths of romance despite the resent that her friends held towards him. And now that was over, and Kai knew that it would be a tough road to even get close to where they had once been.

“Save it heretic, there’s not a single thing that you could ever say to fix the damage that you caused. But we can all work together for the greater good.” A scoff escaped from y/n’s mouth at Damon’s words, followed by a roll of her y/e/c eyes. Damon was always so selfish, thinking of his closer circle of his brother and his lover rather than those that he called his friends. He should have understood y/n’s angry despair, he had experienced the same new bloodlust that chipped at his humanity.

But he had never experienced his entire beliefs ripped away from him; y/n’s magic was gone, and there was not a single route that she could go do to resurrect it. It had been the biggest part of who she was, and it was gone, much like how she wanted Kai to be. He’d betrayed her, broke her heart, and worst of all, caused the downfall of her existence. She had to hate him, otherwise she couldn’t stand herself for feeling anything else for him. “The greater good would be detaching his head from the rest of his body again.” She said ferociously, nostrils flaring as her breaths were laboured from her fuelled aggression.

“Ouch.” Kai muttered, feeling a pang in his heart from her words. He’d never wanted to harm her in the slightest, but for the majority of his life he had never gotten what he wanted. He wanted to beg her for forgiveness, and whilst he knew that he didn’t deserve it, he couldn’t help but allow the plea to fall from his lips. “I’ve changed. Give me another chance.” For a moment he wished he had said not a single thing as y/n sped towards him, boiling tears restrained within her eyes. She were vulnerable in his presence, Damon knew that as he stood in the background as a watcher. He wanted to intervene, to protect his friend who had become heartbroken because of this monster, but he understood that she had to do this - had to put him in his place.

“Damon, could you give us a moment?” What?! Y/n had to be delusional if she thought he would willingly leave her alone with Kai Parker, the man that had caused him to turn one of his best friends into a blood sucking creature. She’d supposed to have fulfilled the closest to a human life out of all of their friends, but all because of him she hadn’t gotten the luxury that they had all wished for. He was worried to leave her alone with Kai, she’d either fall down into the depths of her unreasonable emotions for him again, or kill him, and as much as Damon hated to admit it, they needed him at the moment.

“Are you sure?” He tried to read her eyes but she wouldn’t meet his eyes, instead her glare was directed at the heretic that had broken her heart all over again. Y/n was always and had always been one stubborn girl, she’d defended her relationship with Kai when it had first become knowledge to all of her friends, but she had always been loyal to those that cared most about her. Damon wouldn’t allow her growth after her death to be jeopardised all because of a sociopath that had feelings for her. Finally her eyes reached his, they were drenched with the pain and sorrow that her old lover had caused, and Damon finally understood that whatever she wanted to say to him or do to him was necessary. “Okay.”

Damon sent her a comforting smile, before finally and adamantly leaving the room. Kai felt a swell of hope rise in his chest when she looked at him, perhaps he could redeem himself in her eyes one final time. Kai took another dangerous step towards her, craving her personal space to be wrapped around him. “Can you ever forgive me?” His voice cracked, she had been the only person not to see him as a monster and he had messed that up to. It was the reason why a person dared not give a cat a mouse, it was life threatening, and she had died all because of him. She frowned, staring up at him with her stunning y/e/c eyes, shooting daggers into his form as though he were the enemy instead of Cade.

“Not in a million years.” She answered hun truthfully, gnawing on her lip as she held back the tears that had formed in her eyes. “It will take forever for me to ever want you back in my life, after what you did, I lost myself. You’re so damn selfish,” her hands pounded on his chest, in her attempts not to break down from the sheer anguish that his presence made her feel. “If you had just let bygones be bygones, there may have been a chance for us, but you couldn’t just let it go for once in your life, or for me. I know that I couldn’t have stopped you from killing Jo, when you set your mind to something it’s a fixation, and it doesn’t matter who gets in your way.”

“I’ll wait then.” Kai spoke seriously, daringly holding her elbows in his hands, staring honestly into her face. His eyes traced every crease that her confused frown burdened her face formed, taking in every detail even though she would never age again. “Forever will be here before I know it, and until then, I’ll do whatever you want, just to ease the pain that I have caused. I never had the intention to take anything from you, much less your reason to live, but I will try my best every day, just for you.” He should have known at the wedding that she would have entangled herself in the crossfire, and that she would have tried to stop him.

Y/n deserved so much better than the pain that he had given him, but as she had stated, he was selfish, and he needed her. He missed every fibre of her being that had tried to send him on the right track, but here they both were, monsters in their own flesh, mixed emotions moulded between them like a wall. If he’d had any sense, he would have understood that y/n’s stubbornness and loyalty had enhanced, and neither laid towards him, not after his murderous schemes. But he was adamant to change that, and fix himself into a better man for her along the way. He’d make her death have reason, so that after forever, they would have their fresh chance together.

[unetherian]

Things to do when you're a newly awakened alter/nonhuman!

[PT: Things to do when you're a newly awakened alter/nonhuman! end of PT]

[Sorry for any spelling or wording mistakes, I don't speak English fluently]

1/Make an alterhuman journal

Do you have an old, almost empty notebook that you haven't used since the end of your middle school years? Or a little notepad that you received for your birthday and that lies at the bottom of the drawer that you never open? Now is the time to use it!

Write in it your alter/nonhuman journey, what made you wonder if you are alter/nonhuman, the research to find your type, if you are otherlink, what made you choose your type, if you are physically nonhuman, a portrait of how you see yourself in everyday life,...

I will probably do a post in the future on what to put in your journal :3

2/Don't lie to yourself...

Some newly awakened alters/nonhumans intentionally cause false flashbacks or force themselves to shift to feel legitimate... No Don't do this, it's okay if you don't have flashbacks or past life memories, it's okay if you don't shift, it's okay if your type isn't considered "cool" or if it is considered "too common" or "too rare" to be valid. Same for polyalter/nonhumans, it's okay if you really have a lot of types, don't worry. You're valid. You are yourself. Don't lie, just let yourself exist.

3/Ask questions to educated alters/nonhumans

Asking questions is literally a cheat code for educating yourself! Don't be afraid to share your questions on this subject, you will get very rich answers. But be careful which being you are talking because maybe it is not very educated himself...

4/Be interested in categories of alter/nonhumans who do not have the same experiences/beliefs as you

It's really interesting to understand these other communities better. It makes me despair when I see beings insulting other beings because their experiences are different... Getting to know and respect others is the key to avoiding these kinds of situations.

5/Search for your type!

For alters/nonhumans whose identity is often difficult to identify (otherkin, plantkin, therian, etc.), I recommend doing a lot of research and introspection. Make a list of all the species that could match you, draw a profile, ... There are many different methods to find out who you are. But don't use tests like "What is your theriotype", they are really not reliable (for information I am a feline and I did two tests in one they said I am a wolf and in another a fox so... yeah) Searches can last months and even years, it doesn't matter if you don't find it right away or if you make a mistake. You will find it, I promise you :3

For identities where the type is often easy to find (otherhearteds for example) you are very lucky 😅

For those whose choice of type is often voluntary (otherlink, copinglink, ect) take personality tests, do some research on what you most want/need to be,... Don't worry, you have the right to change your type!

Some alters/nonhumans don't have types, but that doesn't stop them from doing introspection exercises anyway!

For those who have already found their type, nothing prevents you from doing other research (to write in your alter/nonhuman journal, perhaps), for example fun facts about your type, types of gears not very well known that you would like to buy/make, learn how to draw it, lern their body language etc.

6/Make a den/nest!

Some being really like to make a cozy little corner just to become a little being in their cabin, and others like to make a majestic pillow fortress to protect themselves from human society. Get your covers on, let's go!

You can also create them outdoors, on your territory. (Don't forget to hydrate yourself, especially if it's hot)

Torn from Therian territory made tutorials (on YouTube) for indoor and outdoor dens, I recommend them!

7/Try to shift (if you want to/can)/species euphoria

I know that some alterhumans don't shift, can't voluntarily shift, or just don't like it, but sometimes shifting can be liberating and cause species euphoria (the opposite of species dysphoria).

If you don't want to/can't shift you can also do activities that bring you closer to your identity!

8/Make a scent marker!

If your type is territorial, I highly recommend this! It's a kind of little "potion" where you can find your scent + some plants that remind your scent and your territory, and you can spray it in your territory. Some beings add a little essential oil. Torn also made a video on the subject, "How to make a scent marker?".

⚠️Do not use environmentally harmful elements in this "potion"!⚠️

9/ Try activities related to your type/identity!

In our communities, when we talk about connecting with our identity, we often think of gears, quads, vocals,... But there are many other ways to get closer to your alter/nonhumanity! For example, a therian Ibex can practice rock climbing, a spacekin can learn astrophotography, an ockin can write a whole universe around his oc, a naturesoul can keep a journal where it tells all his past incarnations,... All forms of art can bring you closer to who you really are! (drawing, animation, story/poetry/song writing, music, etc.) No need to be an artist with incredible talent, try and have fun, it will already be a thousand times better than nothing! Even if you haven't found your type yet, let yourself be guided by your instincts and what makes you tick!

10/Read positive things about alter/nonhumanity

Sometimes, with the dramas, the insults from the anti, the non-accepting people, the doubt of really being an alter/nonhuman, the imposter syndrome,... There are times when you feel horribly wrong and misunderstood.

I really understand how it feels, when I first came into the community I was constantly asking myself "am I really therian?" "Is this just a teenage fantasy in search of identity?" "No one will support me..."And sometimes I would go on YouTube to take my mind off things and I would come across a stupid video that invited alter/nonhumans to commit the irreparable.

During this time I was only focusing on the negative part of being an alter/nonhuman. But, we must not forget these positive sides. We tend to talk more about our problems on Tumblr because for many, it's the only place they can confide freely. It's a way of "getting your emotional juices out", it's like therapy for some. But in reality, there are many positive and fun sides to being alter/nonhuman. It's true that by forgetting all that, it's more complicated to accept yourself as you are. Written alterhuman/nonhuman/objectkin/otherlink/therian/otherkin/ect positivity on Tumblr. You'll find so much comfort there!

I hope this helped you, remember, as long as you don't hurt anything or anyone intentionally, you are completely valid! You have the right to be yourself.

Take care of yourself, drink water and have an amazing day/evening/night!

Bye!

[002yb]

Hi Toney, I am so happy that you're feeling better, I got a bit worried when I didn't see any new posts from you.

What do you feel about Jason's reaction to Jaybin getting displaced in the timeline and popping multiple years in the future, and suddenly there is Jaybin and all of his barely hidden hero worship and utter love for Dick. And Dick is so good to him, and so smitten and Jaybin is so precious and blushy and two steps away from fainting every time dick hugs him or ruffles his hair, and Jason is so jealous cause dick is being better to Jaybin than he ever was to Jason in the past. But they're both Jason!!

#i am really happy to see you again on my feed #hopefully I'm not coming off as rude #curse you ADHD

Hey there, thank you for your concerns!  Though I’m sure it’s apparent, the posting is still lacking – sorry about that.  I appreciate that you like seeing my posts come across your dash though.  Thank you so much. ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

Jason being put off by Jaybin because 1) he’s treated better than Jason, 2) he’s envious of the positive attention freely given to him and 3) Jaybin is stupidly naive and Jason knows there’s only disappointment waiting for him; he’s just waiting to get taken advantage of and hurt.

What’s more, he’s insecure.  Because Jason has always had this belief that everyone preferred who he was to who he is.  This experience only confirms that for him.

Needless to say, Jason is terse when Jaybin is around.  He’s not kind at all; par for course though – it’s him, at the end of the day

And it’s not like Jaybin complains about Jason’s aggression, confused as he is (because wtf happened?  why is he such a bitch??), but Dick notices and is none too pleased.

Which leads to dickjay fights as Dick comes to Jaybin’s defense

And Jason just loses it because insecurity gets the best of him.  Because he’s convinced that he’s no good as he is.  That’s why they’re all always fighting, why Jason is always toeing lines and watching his back.  Because he came back wrong – twisted.

Maybe it would have been better if Jason stayed dead.  Because they could have kept Jaybin and not been burdened with the scraps that came back.

Maybe Jaybin hears it:  ‘We die?’

And Jason snarls, all bared teeth, a wounded animal pushed into a corner:  ‘Yeah, because you were looking for something you’ll never fucking have,’ and despite himself Jason’s voice breaks because, ‘Family.  Love.  Grow the fuck up.’

What’s to love?  What’s to want?

Just Jason being so cruel to his younger self because he hates how dumb he was.  But also?  He hates how easy it is for Jaybin to trust and love and be loved.  Because Jason doesn’t have that.  Not anymore.

And Dick is ready to intervene.  He doesn’t know if he wants to snap at Jason for being so cruel to a child (himself!) or if he wants to comfort him because Jason is wrong about his perceived lack of value/worth, but also?  He wants to throw down because this dumbass – projecting his own feelings over Dick’s.  But then again, reevaluating everything because maybe Dick (and everyone) haven’t been as forthcoming or forgiving as they should have been.

So Dick ends up being paralyzed because Jason is volatile and Dick can take him in a fight, but that’s the thing – he can’t fight him in light of Jason’s despair.  He doesn’t know how to comfort him though.  Doesn’t know how to– fuck.  Doesn’t know how to love him.

A devastating realization that takes the fight right out of him.

But it’s fine, because Jaybin is there to throw down.  With that ornery brand of kindness that is uniquely Jason.  Just Jaybin being able to read Jason because they’re the same.  Because Jason hasn’t changed as much as he thinks from back when he was fifteen and hurting.

Something something Jason’s vulnerabilities being exposed by himself.  A weird therapy of sorts with confronting past and present.

Which eventually leads to dickjay.  In the form of one of the Jasons blurting out about their crush on Dick and that’s when everything stops because uh oh.  Both Jasons turning with matching blushes and flustered expressions at where Dick stands off to the side, wide-eyed and overwhelmed because there’s just a lot going on, y’know?

And yeah, eventually Jason reconciles with his past self.  Maybe Jaybin would get a kiss from Dick before Jason ever gets a chance and Jason is left blustering because why the hell is he such a cheeky little bitch, omg. ///A/////

Which leaves Dick and Jason with the fallout of everything.  And Jason doesn’t want to do any of it; forget it.  Only Dick won’t leave it alone.  No attention would be given to the crush, but Dick would make sure Jason knows that he’s loved.  And he’d make better efforts in showing it.  And being more understanding to Jason’s perspective; being in his corner.

During which time Jason falls in love a lot more because he’s so weak to kindness.  And Dick’s heart breaks because it’s not anything at all (only it is and he knows that now).

Something something slow burn healing of relationship which leads into a tentative friendship which leads into a strong partnership and eventually that undying crush gets addressed lol.

[valtsv]

This sounds like an amazing scene. Please tell me more.

so Valentine and Reaver (tentative names, i'm still not sure i like them) are both extremely damaged people living utterly miserable lives in a pre-apocalyptic world. Valentine is a celebrity, a star soldier, a former no-name nobody orphan of the apocalypse who gained fame and fortune and success through apparent sheer good fortune, hard work, and innate charisma. but she has no identity outside of piloting. they lost their entire world as a kid when her town was destroyed, and as a result of that traumatic experience developed the belief that the only way she can ever hope to matter or be worth anything is by making a name for themself, making herself impossible to ignore, for fear of dying alone and forgotten. so they've dedicated their whole life to piloting, and sustain themself on the praise and adoration of the masses and her superiors, and have virtually no life outside of that, let alone plans or dreams for the future. she doesn't often let herself entertain her own personal desires, believing it's pointless; doesn't form connections with other people outside of the professional and transactional because they feel they have nothing else to offer. they're a shell of a person, a pretty face for the propaganda posters and a brilliant smile and shiny medal-laden uniform for the press and a machine of war to inspire the troops. and because of her single-minded total dedication to piloting, she's always first to volunteer for combat and last to accept any assistance or admit to any perceived weakness; their body is literally falling apart from pushing it too hard and hidden beneath their clothes is a patchwork of skin grafts and wounds that refuse to heal held together by glue and stitches and infection that's slowly spreading and killing them. but Valentine is determined to keep going until she drops or dies in combat, to be a martyr for the cause and for public opinion. she has nothing else.

Reaver is more or less the opposite. he's washed-up, a failure, out of time; a good soldier and a good man but a bitter, lonely, cynical wreck of a person. he was never recognized for his efforts like his peers, possessed too much candor and not enough charisma to ingratiate himself with his superiors, was well-liked but always secondary at best to those who burned brighter and were willing to compromise their principles and ethics in exchange for opportunities for advancement and promotion. he drinks too much, cares for himself too little, treats every opportunity to save lives like an obligation and every failure like an inevitability, pushes everyone away before they even get close out of fear of being hurt or abandoned again, and has generally made himself hard to love. at the same time, he's resentful, aloof and unapproachable, sneering with contempt at everyone around him and taking a certain grim satisfaction in self-sabotage and lashing out because it allows him to justify his misery. he and Valentine hate each other because he pities Valentine more than he resents them; he sees Valentine as naive, overconfident and shallow, a bright young thing that will be used til it burns, so he's cruel to her. and Valentine, in turn, is furious at Reaver for his selfish attitude, for allowing himself to descend into despair and self-loathing at the expense of potentially the entire rest of the world, for giving up the opportunity to do good and childishly railing against everyone who comes near him because he didn't get patted on the head enough for his efforts.

they absolutely loathe each other at first, because they see their worst fears in each other, their worst selves, who they could have been if things had just been a little different, and the brutal truth that they would be no better off or happier in the other's place. however, they're forced to work together and regularly be in close proximity to one another by the inexorably advancing apocalypse and budget cuts in military spending, and their bitter conflict helps to peel back the layers and walls they've built up around themselves and get them to confront how badly they've been failed and hurt by the rest of the world and begin to find solace in each other, in their shared experiences and pain and the love and comfort and hope and meaning they can offer each other.

[blueopinions49]

Healthy/Unhealthy 7

Healthy Social 7

Bella Baxter (7w8 so/sp)- She begins the story with the brain fo a child and as she develops she becomes incredibly curious about the world around her. She craves freedom and looks to make the world a better place as she grows. Eventually becoming a doctor.

Mark Grayson (7w6 so/sx) - With the heavy weight of being omni mans son he looks to be helpful to others. As his journey goes on he struggles to keep his positive mindset.

Lucy Maclean (7w6 so/sx)- She starts the show bright eyed and trust full of everyone around her. As she develops we see her contrast with the ghoul. We see her integrate towards her 1 a bit more as the show goes on. While still keeping the golden rule.

Unhealthy Social 7

Tanya (7w8 so/sp) While her desire for freedom for Edenia can be seen as good hearted she usually manipulates people to get her way. She schemes and uses other for her self gain rarely if ever caring of the colateral damage.

Hugo De Rune (7w6 so/sx)- Due to him being a child and infected with the Macula he tends to lash out and cause distraction. Even tho he has a general love and appreciation for life.

Luis Serra (7w6 so/sx)- When he left the village he set out to do some good in the world. Eventually leading him to umbrella and commit atrocities. In RE4 we see him trying to redeem himself.

Healthy SelfPreservation 7

Gambit (7w8 sp/sx)- While he started a bit apathetic to anyones needs he integrated well into his 1 and eventually joining the xmen.

Prince Naveen (7w6 sp/sx)- Meeting Tiana made him snap into place and start focusing on the longevity of his life and purpose. Best example of a 7 moving into 1.

Samantha Jones (7w8 sp/sx)- While she doesn't have any drastic development in the show. Samantha proves that you can still be kind, generous and a good friend without having to integrate. She is just happily enjoying life and its pleasures.

Unhealthy Self Preservation 7

Frank Gallagher (7w8 sp/sx)- The over indulgent of the life he lives ends with him essentially never taking into consideration anyone else's needs but his own. Eventually passing away in the end.

Frank Reynolds (7w8 sp/sx)- While he started like an organized business man in the show. We see how he devolves into a slob of a person who indulges in everything. Frank is basically the epitome of the 7s gluttony.

Ridby (7w6 sp/sx)- He is very immature and even the little development he gets in the show isn't enough. He doesn't really take into consideration Mordecai's feelings allot of the time and usually is the one to ruin things and cause trouble.

Healthy Sexual 7

Lucy Gray Baird (7w6 sx/so)- Always firm on her beliefs and where she stands morally. While she craves love and connection she doesn't let those idealist view of romance get in the way of reality.

Saga Anderson (7w6 sx/so)- Upbeat and caring, Saga learns to deal with the dark place and the how the story changes in AW2. We see her fall into pits of despair in the end a bit. But she remembers who she truly is and gets out of the dark place.

Harley Quinn DCEU (7w6 sx/p)- In the start of the DCEU we see Harley using relationships as a distraction usually ignoring reality in order to suit jokers. In BOP we see her fully detach herself and be happy being alone. Later on in SS 2020? we see her fully independent and not letting love get in the way of reality.

Unhealthy Sexual 7

Roman Roy (7w6 sx/sp)- Looking for love and connection in others. He tries to connect with his father and eventually Gerri. This connection not lasting long. In the end we see Roman step down as CEO and finding peace within himself.

Jobu Tupkai (7w8 sx/so)- This is what a 7 disintegrating towards 4 looks like. Jobu wants to find joy (no pun intended) and love with the relationship with her mother. However, throughout the movie she disintegrates towards 4 and believe that nothing matters. In the end she repurposes the idea nihilism into something more positive.

Mr. Peanut Butter (7w6 sx/so)- While he grows a bit through out the show we see how he doesn't out grow of his cycle of looking for relationships to ignore reality.

[ineffably-human]

Today in 'Shadows things hundreds of people have decided are true that I really don't understand at all,' we have... [spins wheel]

'Nandor's seasons-long burning desire to become human' - everyone here knows what a cult is, right?

Like at its most cliche, we understand how cult leaders work in fiction, at least? They say 'hey, dude, you seem very lost and in despair. Good thing I know a secret key to Paradise nobody else does, and I alone am equipped to get you there, and also I understand you better than anyone else in the outside world ever will.'

Nandor came to Jan in an existential crisis with no idea of what would help him, and left convinced that becoming human would do the trick. (This is because Jan is good at her evil job.) He dove into that belief because he was diving into a cult and that's what they do. He felt that vampirism was a curse because he was in the middle of a huge emotional crisis, and his new way out of that crisis was telling him vampirism is a bad thing that is causing his problems (instead of loneliness, a poorly fitting job, sudden changes in his close servant-friend, existential stuff humans go through as well...)

When he's out of that crisis, he never mentions becoming human again. He never mentions feeling cursed by vampirism again. In fact: he visits his homeland where everyone else became vampires, and decides that if everyone else is a vampire there's nothing special about being a vampire. (Read: in normal circumstances, with the chance to feed his ego, he feels special being a vampire.) In fact: when given fifty-two wishes that we see him use on his body multiple times, he doesn't use them to be human, or to do any human things.

I can see why, in the throes of S3, you could pin some of his backstory onto the Jan thing and see it as Nandor resenting being turned. Nandor is the one who lost more than he gained being a vampire, in terms of his glory days etc. We know nothing about how it happened or if he wanted it. The first time he tells it, all his wives left him because he suddenly changed into this dangerous unpredictable monster.

But the second time we hear it, in s4, it's implied that when he became a vampire he suddenly abandoned them all? (It's pretty vague tbh.) Also it's made extremely clear he was a terrible husband to start with. If the thing with razing Antipaxos doesn't tell you enough, his behavior in s4 seals it in: the peak of Nandor's human life was as a violent, insecure bully, who took everything he even imagined he wanted and never slowed down enough to understand how empty he felt.

Being a vampire gave Nandor time and space to think about parts of life he'd never have considered when he was alive. The losses he felt allowed him to be more patient and more sober. He enjoys fighting and violence now, but he seems to think about honor and mercy just as much. You could argue that Nandor's main personal arc - his 'I'm okay, you're okay' if you will - is accepting the person he is now over the person he used to be. Think of how much more natural his leadership was this season rallying the vampires in a crisis, instead of the forced protocols and rituals of the earlier seasons.

I don't think that someone with one foot in a world that literally doesn't exist anymore, who has trouble talking to most people outside the house and loves to watch familiars fight to the death, would be happy as a human. I think he'd work a day or get a single summer cold, and beg Laszlo to turn him again, actually.

(I don't think he and Guillermo would have a great relationship if they were both human, either - these are people who bond over knight-vassal courtly love vibes and trying to kill each other. What can life as a mortal couple possibly offer to fulfill them?)

But all of that is speculation. Here's what isn't: Nandor wants to be a human for a single episode of the show. It is not a richly established part of his character. If we're talking pure facts, it's a thing that happened that one time, and has never been spoken of again.

[tenspeed]

Lucifer’s story in Hazbin is, in my opinion, perhaps the greatest best portrayal of his character in media. His story is one of deep sadness, stemming from the rejection of his dream by Heaven. Lucifer’s well-intentioned efforts were not only thwarted but also punished, leading to an outcome he never could have imagined. This has left him in a state of depression, condemned to spend eternity surrounded by the evil and bad that arose from giving the fruit of knowledge. Something he believed would be a gift.

I think that Lilith, recognizing Lucifer’s lost hope and shattered dreams, chose to leave and keep Charlie away from him. He had hoped to protect the only things he still had a reason to live for. However, Lilith, being a strong-willed individual with a mind of her own, sought to empower sinner to embrace freedom and do better. This aspect of her character is hinted at in the book Charlie reads at the beginning, which I suspect is from Lilith.

The scenes of Lucifer with Charlie as a baby is particularly poignant. He has confined himself to the same room, spiraling into despair, dedicating himself obsessively to his duck creations. Additionally, his role extends beyond just ruling Hell – he also governs the pride ring, a clear symbol of Heaven’s punishment for his rebellion and his belief in his own righteousness.

Lucifer’s relationship with Charlie is complex. He loves her deeply, as seen in their happy family pictures, yet fears her following in his footsteps – potentially leading to further loss, much like he experienced with Lilith. Ironically, Charlie mistakenly believes that Lucifer only reaches out to her out of boredom or need. In truth, like Lilith, Lucifer feels that, having lost his spirit as a dreamer and a fighter, Charlie wants nothing to do with him. Yet, he eagerly looks for any opportunity to communicate and spend time with her. This is beautifully illustrated in his anticipation of her call: he spends an hour getting ready, ensuring he’s perfectly on time, and greets her with a smile at the door, despite having the ability to teleport.

The extent of Lucifer’s suffering is heart-wrenching. An eternity of suffering is a formidable punishment, made even more crushing by the fact that it has alienated his wife and daughter. The duet between him and Charlie, where they express their gratitude for each other – “I’m grateful you’re my daughter/father more than anything” – is a perfect encapsulation of their reconnection. Their reunion is beautiful.

I wanna know where Lilith is 7 years and you just disappear?

[eddiernunson]

Found Again | Part 1 | Sequel to Trapped

Word Count: 1.9k

Summary: The year is 2005. Vecna is defeated, Steve Harrington is finding grey hairs. Eddie has already been dead for 19 years. Unfortunately, you have too. Since 1989. In a new life, new state, new friends, new school, you find yourself drawn to the new kid, and he to you. Something tells you it had to do with the dreams of a man with long hair when you were small.

[Edited bc i forgot the dang taglist]

Author's note: This story has been stirring in my brain for a hot minute, conceptualizing from the idea of loving Eddie in a past life and being so drawn to someone...and realizing why. The use of Y/N will entail the previous life and I ended up using my pseudonym as to not get confused until it just stuck so the modern day person does have a name yet we still use the you pronoun.

Thank you so much for turning in!

One last note. Yes, there will be smut. It will be less and with the resurrected character, but you don't have a strong as personality as Eddie's in a past life without carrying a few traits to the new one. ;)

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Flashes of long brown hair, the smell of leather, a deep chuckle. Sunshine. Sadness, never ending sadness that seeped into despair.

When you were four, your mom could tell you how you went from a relatively normal child into a child who needed to be woken up from nightmares overnight. The nightmares were consistent for months, until one day, you slept soundly and seemed to forget all about it.

It wasn’t just the nightmares. You weren’t even sure your little brain could even call it that, they all started so softly, a warm honey-glow with an unseen face surrounded by golden light that stuck around until the last of it, and you wounded up waking up with tears streaming down your face by the end of it.

After the first time you told your mom a story she could never quite forget, she knew these nightmares, dreams, whatever, meant something.

She was driving you to preschool, worried about you as the look on your face when she found you crying in your sleep was a look of anguish she thought no four-year-old should have. She was willing to let the children’s music tape do all the talking for her when you let out, “I miss him.”

She’s sure she misheard you, not a clue to who you could’ve been talking about. “Pardon, sweetheart?” She asks you gently, her eye on the road and on your delicate little face.

“The man with long hair. I miss him.”

This perplexed her. She’s not sure you’ve ever truly met a man with long hair. Mullets haven’t really made any comeback since their heyday in the 80’s. “What…what happened to this man, darling?”

“He died.” You answer, and it comes out so nonchalantly she nearly breaks the car out of sheer panic. You were lucky to be in a life where you haven’t had to deal with the idea of death other than the trauma that was the Land Before Time.

“Oh. No wonder you miss him. When did he die?”

While the admission of his death was one thing, nothing could’ve prepared her for the next thing.

“Um, 1986.”

This went on as long as your dreams did. You didn’t have much to go on, only that he was kind, had long hair, was someone you cared about, and has passed. In 1986, three years before you were born. He was someone you had insisted you missed.

While the dreams were ongoing the conversations, she had with you were consistent enough to believe that you weren’t lying. How could a four-year-old even conceptualize time to understand years as numbers? You couldn’t. But you knew based on your dreams it was the year he had passed. As you continued to talk about it, she had enough belief to bring you to a psychic.

Granted a therapist might’ve been the better option but a psychic is something she could afford.

As you sat down in the chair, the psychic sitting across the cloth-covered table, something in your four-year-old brain could tell that she was the real thing. That she would respect your claims and take them seriously. “Welcome, dear. Maddie, was it?”

You nod your head, distracted by all the pretty colours as the curtains cascade up over you, all meeting in the middle into a shiny crystal chandelier. The room was candlelit, something that would normally scare you with the dancing shadows, but if anything it was like the shadows and her were on the same team.

“I hear you’ve been having some dreams…seeing someone you’ve never met before. Could you please describe them to me?”

You mom hasn’t asked you to describe any of them, not in those words, at least. The only thing she asked you was to describe the person you were dreaming about. “I see a boy.”

“Your age?”

“Older.”

Your mom hasn’t even thought to ask his age, for the record.

“How much older?”

You sigh, having no clear concept of age and appearance. The psychic picks up on it, and she finds a nearby catalogue in one of her shelves to indicate different ages. She points one out that would be your mom’s age. “Younger.” One that would be starting high school. “A little older.” One that appeared to be either just out of high school or about to graduate. “There.”

“Are these dreams stories? Like could you tell me your dreams from start to finish like a story?” She asks, tossing the catalogue aside.

You think on that question for a minute. “No. There’s no story.”

“Do they feel more fragmented?” She asks.

Your brows furrow, having no idea what fragmented means.

She understands. “Are they moving pictures that go into one another, like memories?”

You nod your head rapidly. Memories was the word you couldn’t grasp yet it made the most sense to you.

“Could you describe it for me?”

“Describe…what?” You ask, unsure where to even start.

“Anything would be helpful, dear. Just start where you’re comfortable.”

You take a deep breath, unsettled by the attention the adults suddenly give you. “I see…him. From far away. Then he’s close. He’s got long brown hair, and he smells like leather and…something but I don’t know what. He’s from Hawkins, Indiana. And I see bright colours and sun, then everything gets dark. I get sad. Not just regular sad. This sad hurts in my chest. I can’t breathe. Then mom wakes me up.”

The psychic sits on this, switching glances with your mom and sharing a silent conversation. “What happens when it gets dark? Does anything change to invoke that emotion?”

You nod, gulping. The emotion you feel when everything changes is devastating. Now that she had put a name to the word memory, you understood that’s what was occurring. This was a memory of an emotion, not the real thing, but if it wasn’t the real thing, the real thing must’ve been devastating.

“He dies.”

The psychic nods her head, and she’s quite enthralled by this point, but you wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at her. She’s seen a handful of resurrection cases in her lifetime, but none quite so young, or intense. “When does he die, darling?” On the phone, your mom had told her you were dreaming of a man who dies before you were born.

This turned the phone call from an inquiry to an invitation. Specifics like a singular year or locations often turn her onto cases. It’s easy to fake a memory from another life. She’s met many people who immediately freeze up when she offers a PI to investigate any evidence of their former lives. When someone truly remembers another life, they are drawn to it like a moth to a lamp.

But a four-year-old remembering another life is rare. She’s heard of it, seen a rare news article about it, but she’s never had the privilege of talking to someone so young about it.

“In 1986.” You answer her, looking to your mom for reassurance. She offers it, smiling warmly.

“So. Here’s the deal.” The psychic starts, leaning forward onto her elbows on the table. “I have seen this before. Are you willing to keep an open mind?”

Your mom nods, her hairs standing up on her arms.

“From what your daughter has told me,” She smiles at you, warmly, “it sounds like memories of a previous life.”

“Previous life?” She asks incredulously.

“Yes. Unconventional, I know. But no four-year-old likes to share stories as grim as hers are for the fun of it.” She pauses, letting your little mind wrap around this concept. You’re not so sure you did understand what she meant by a previous life, but by your mom’s reaction, it wasn’t exactly ideal. “She gives me enough information to take this seriously. In my line of work, it means researching a history. Possibly, her history. Now resurrecting from the opposite gender happens, but it sounds more like she cared about this person. With a small deposit, I can hire a private investigator to look into this for you. She gives a place and a time. Both can and might lead us to a person. If you want to look at the results this year, or in ten years it will be here.”

Your mom offers the deposit, a lousy forty dollars. Anyone willing to pay the fine means they want answers or are taking it as seriously.

“Thank you for answering all these questions, darling. Some day you might stop having these dreams. How young you are, you probably will. If one day these dreams come back to you somehow, come see me. I might have any answers you would be looking for.”

While you were terrified and intrigued all at the same time, your mom was just terrified. On some level this became too real for her. So, she didn’t take you back.

In fact, she stopped asking questions, hoping your dreams would die on their own if you didn’t spend too long thinking or talking about them.

On some level, she was right. Once she stopped any conversation about the mysterious person after waking you up from the dreams, they vanished within weeks.

It wasn’t for another thirteen years did the dreams gain any more significance to you.

-

Your alarm yanks you out of your sleep abruptly, the last day of summer over and a new school year starting. Junior year. Only two more years and you could get your ass out of here.

You stumbled through getting dressed, offering a half hello out the door, grabbing a bagel for an attempt at breakfast. The tragedy of sleeping in every day for summer then waking up early for school is heartbreak every teenager feels on another first day of school. You weren’t all that much of a morning person, so waking up, especially on the first day, took a long time.

With barely ten minutes until the first bell, you pull up to the school, ready to give enough energy to get by but not stand out. Nothing at this school gave you a reason to want to stand out. As you walked to the front where tables are laid out with school schedules, you looked around, observing the crowd of late arrivals.

The secretary called out next, handing your schedule to you wordlessly. She didn’t even need to ask your name, your high school got around only four or five new students a year. You reach into your bag for your flip phone to text Kaitlyn to ask her what her first period was when you realize you had forgotten it in your blue Camry.

The phone still in your car was unforgiveable, you jog back to it to grab it when a van pulls up to the school, tires screeching as it was five minutes until the first bell. As you reached into your car, you kept your eye on the mysterious van as you knew which car belonged to who by the end of your sophomore year. You didn’t know this one. This van looked like it spent a few days at Woodstock.

Ok, it wasn’t that old.

But it sure had some time on it.

The owner got out of the driver’s seat, and the moment he turned around you felt your breath caught in your throat. He was gorgeous. His short, curly brown hair sat pretty on his head as his lanky stature grabbed at his backpack to head into the school.

As he ran to the tables sat out front, you had to catch your breath, your heart beating out of your chest as this essential need to be near him clawed its way out from your chest.

-

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[burning-academia-if]

Heyy...I'm not sure but I think it's some sort of inconsistency with the paths.

For example, the first 2-3 Moon choices come off it is what it is and don't think too much about it, at first. Whilst Sun choices seemed for someone who was more emotional.

But then all of a sudden, it seems as if they kinda switched places. So now i'm confused on what these paths even mean or stand for.

Is that on purpose? is there any way you can add a small explanation for each path on the intro area? If not that's okay.

This is gonna be a long answer, so it's under a cut! Spoilers below for prologue-chapter 2!

For path overview in general, that's in the intro post! For a further breakdown, I'll give it here.

I'll use night path as an example since you mentioned it just so I have an example to bounce off of lol here's all the night path choices:

Prologue:

There was no point dwelling on what you'd never have. (referring to going to college)

This life will break you, one day (prologue end, despairing)

Chapter 1:

The tears start before you think to stop them. You stumble back to your dorm, lips wobbling as you bite back the sobs. Will it ever get better? (after the wraith attack)

Chapter 2:

You rip your hands away. He needs to pass on, but not like this. (one of the wraith reaction variants)

Blackmail (convo with Eloise and Rhea about the art club drama)

when you killed them with your own hands (bad end)

The thread throughout all of these is MC views the world and their life as something awful and see no hope in it. They expect nothing kind in life, and tend towards thinking the only way to get out of their situation is by force/harshness/etc. Basically your character is in a pretty bad spot emotionally and being good won't save you. (You can still be kind, however. It's why if you have highish kindness and pick the blackmail option MC's response is to try to laugh it off because they know how it sounds).

The other paths are similar. Dusk might have things like "it hurt too much to think about" which might sound contradictory to chapter 2 options but you can read it as "it hurts too much to think about, so you don't" hence the later options being more closed off emotionally. Like "a corpse is always a corpse, death answers none" and "you regain control of yourself, the answer doesn't matter right now" that's mc very much avoiding looking at how life is bad or just accepting that that's the way it is.

I also wouldn't view any of the path choices through emotions, and just stick with outlook/beliefs. You also don't need to pick every path option to get what you want, so if you think one fits your MC better narratively, you can stray from the options once in a while and be fine lol the path you end up on is just determined by which one you picked the most of

[thepsychewrites]

The Complexities of a Black Hole — Pt. One

A Bucky Barnes x F!Reader Series

Summary: We learn the story of how you first met Bucky, and the whirlwind of emotions that followed. An evening of training and a cozy night spent with you and Bucky watching the Princess Bride made for the best day. Little did you know that only hours later something would happen to Bucky that would change your lives forever.

Warnings: This series and my entire blog is 18+ ONLY. MINORS / AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT. Frequent use of heavy and descriptive language. Mostly angst and fluff. Mentions of blood/slight and very brief gore, TWS, self deprecating thoughts, allusions to depression? If I missed anything please let me know!!

Word Count: 5.2K

A/N: The first part of TCoaBH. I wanna give a big thank you to my mutuals that helped me and supported me through this series so far with ideas and beta reading ( and a big thank you to @fandoms-writings for beta reading this chapter!! I love you so much Remi 😚) & etc!! I love you all so much. This series is my child and I’m very excited to share it with you all. Any reblogs, comments, and feedback is highly appreciated <3 Enjoy.

Main Masterlist

At the center of nearly every large galaxy in the known universe lies a black hole.

When a star reaches the end of its life cycle, it can have a dramatic exit, compressing its matter into the smallest form it can take and eventually collapsing. In some instances, when this star runs out of fuel and says its final goodbyes, it bursts into a bright supernova, leaving behind a new entity in its place – a black hole.

Bucky Barnes was a black hole. At least – that’s what he would compare himself to. Even on a good day, Bucky couldn’t help but to see himself as a gigantic pit of despair and darkness, sucking the life from any room he enters and being a massive inconvenience to everyone in close proximity.

Similar to a black hole, light never escaped Bucky. If you were to ask anyone who spent longer than an hour around him how often he smiled, the unanimous answer would sound something along the lines of, “Oh, well – I don’t actually think I’ve ever seen him smile.” Unless, of course, you were Steve Rogers. But even Steve would tell you that a grin from Bucky came few and far between, and felt a lot less genuine than before.

Similar to a black hole, Bucky Barnes was programmed to destroy. At least, that’s what he was told time and time again. And it’s what he has come to believe, no matter how many times he was reassured that he isn’t at fault for his own sins – Bucky would carry that belief to the grave.

Black holes are only dangerous if you get too close. The same can be said for Bucky Barnes.

Despite these deeply held beliefs, he had been doing better in the last few years.

Returning to a more normal life after being captured, tortured, and used by a terrorist organization for over seventy years was nothing short of difficult. Bucky had to relearn every aspect of life. How he needed to dress, how to tend to his basic needs like showering more than once a week and eating three meals a day, how to talk to other people in a friendly manner, how to ask for things when he needed help, how to use current technology – it was a tedious process. Most days he felt lost, like he had woken up on a foreign exoplanet where the technology was wildly advanced and nobody could understand a word he said. Actually – that’s exactly what it seemed like. On this planet, he was the alien. He was the oddity, the rare specimen that nobody could comprehend. It was isolating and rather miserable most of the time.

He woke up every day grateful for how far he’s come, but fearing the worst when he thought about his future. Steve compared him to an injured bird once – that despite his clipped wings, he’ll learn to fly again. Bucky scoffed at that – saying the only bird in the building was Sam. He was making improvements, slowly but surely, and everyone noticed.

However, there was one thing Bucky would always be cautious of, especially now in his newfound life.

Change.

It was inevitable, that much he was sure of. It threw him for a loop, made his mind stir with nagging thoughts all through the day and night. Even the little things would drive him crazy, like when Tony had all of the washers and dryers replaced and now they made a different chiming sound when the cycles were done. Something as simple as that nearly sent Bucky into a full blown panic attack. But it wasn’t just the little things like unfamiliar sounds – it was the people he had met along the way. The new faces and names he had to learn – living and working and experiencing life with them, getting to know them inside and out. What motivated them, what made them tick, what sent them spiraling – Bucky learned as much as he could.

The biggest change Bucky had experienced in the last year was you.

You came crashing into his life – quite literally – seven months ago. One afternoon Bucky was walking the halls of the Compound, trying to make his way outside so he could run on the track and “enjoy the fresh air for once” as Steve had said in a poor attempt to convince him, when, after turning a corner a little too quickly, you collided right into him. Apologies fled your mouth, backing away with wide eyes and looking as mortified as the time when Bucky walked in on Sam getting out of the shower, no towel in sight. The decorations you had shoved between your arms for your bedroom ended up scattered along the floor from the impact, little knickknacks rolling around the both of you. Feeling heavily embarrassed, Bucky crouched down, picking up the trinkets and offering to bring them to your room.

It was a memorable introduction to say the least. It still made him laugh when he thought back on it.

Bucky had always found it difficult to make friends. Even growing up, the only person he ever allowed himself to really get close to was Steve. Then you came along and flipped Bucky’s world upside down and inside out. There was something about you that enraptured Bucky, something indescribable that made him feel okay around you. Like the sky opened up and he could breathe again. It was an unseeable gravitational force that kept him within arms length at all times, which made it easy to get to know one another. Sure – there was a continuous hesitation from Bucky at the start, but he overcame that feeling rather fast.

“Tony didn’t tell you? She worked with Nasa for a while as a research scientist. She’s smarter than both of us combined, Buck.” Steve had informed Bucky a week after you moved in. Bucky was confused as to why he hadn’t seen much of you during mission briefings, questioning Steve on the matter. “Fury doesn’t want her in the field… something along the lines of ‘Would you send Albert Einstein into the Invasion of Normandy?’ Apparently she’s in the labs most of the day, helping Stark and Banner with the fun stuff.”

Bucky remembers the first time he saw you in the labs, with a large pair of safety glasses on as you handled some intense vials of chemicals, your tongue peeking from the side of your mouth as you focused, not even hearing him enter the room. He remembers tucking his leather-clad fist into the pocket of his trousers, the widening pit in his stomach dissolving at the sight of the insanely cute smile you flashed at him when you finally noticed his presence, muttering an apology as you hurried to put the liquids away to speak to him.

Nobody had ever smiled at Bucky like that before when he entered a room. He was used to grimaces, horribly hidden eye-rolls, or heavy sighs from others.

But you changed the game.

Eventually, he came to see you as a good friend. A close friend. Maybe even… a best friend?

Bucky wasn’t sure what having a best friend was supposed to feel like. He knew Steve was his best friend, and nobody could really replace him, but he and Steve had known each other their whole lives. They had earned the title of best friends when they were still in grade school, so it was natural for them to be close to one another, to care for one another. Steve could even be categorized as a brother at this point. But Bucky hadn’t made a best friend since.

Is this what it felt like?

He sighed into the open air, his hands twisting around a damp, sweat-ridden towel as he watched you saunter around the sparring ring with Sam. Despite the fact that you hardly ever went out on missions with them, you still enjoyed the physical training they offered to you when you joined. Bucky’s thoughts were getting the best of him again, distracting him when he was supposed to be focused, especially right now while they were getting some sparring in. He wiped the towel over his dripping forehead one last time before tossing it on the bench and standing up, fixing his hair in a low bun and making his way back over to the ring.

Bucky leaned against a corner post, his eyes following you intently as you circled Sam, fists balled up to block your chest, chin high with unwavering confidence.

At least, it was unwavering until you noticed Bucky’s stare on you. “Hey Buck, back for seconds?” You teased, your smirky grin only lasting a moment before your mouth fully opened in a gasp, your leg being pulled forward by Sam's causing you to lose your balance and land with a thump on the padded floor. A groan slipped from you, your hand going back to cradle your head. “God, Sammy, thanks for the concussion.”

A soft snicker came from Bucky, fortunately not loud enough for you or Sam to hear.

Sam simply shrugged his shoulders, offering a hand to help you up, his other sitting disappointingly on his hip. “Mhmm. You would’ve been able to counter that if you were paying any attention.”

Begrudgingly, you took it, pulling off the floor and regaining your balance. Once on your feet, you looked at Bucky and rolled your eyes. “Yeah, whatever. This is why I leave the crime fighting to you guys.” You mumbled, poorly concealing the smile creeping to your face as your hands moved to straighten your disheveled clothes.

God that smile.

Bucky would do just about anything to keep a permanent smile pulling at your pretty lips. It was like every evil thing that has ever plagued the Earth just disappeared when you beamed like that. Like nothing bad could ever happen again. And the way it made your eyes narrow and your nose scrunch up had Bucky’s cheeks turning pink, his head ducking down before you or Sam could notice. By the time his heart fell back into a normal pace, Sam was out of the ring and gathering his things while you chugged down some water.

“Hey, don’t forget,” Sam called to Bucky, his gym bag thrown over his shoulder as he faced the exit, “we still have that briefing tonight at nine for the trip to D.C tomorrow, so be there or be square. I think we all remember the scolding Steve gave you last time for poking around and being late. Again.” He said before promptly leaving the room, the glass door softly shutting behind him.

“Yeah Buck, you heard the man. Can’t be late again or Steve’s gonna get on your ass.” You said from the other side of the ring, your back against the rubber ropes.

Bucky scoffed, knowing it was you and your stupid new bedazzling gun that made him late last time. It took Bucky a solid four hours to pry the tiny fake jewels off of his holster, and of course it was right before a meeting with Fury. “You’re annoying.” He said with utmost sincerity.

Once again, Bucky was graced with a pull of your lips. “I know.” You said equally sincere.

There was a lingering gaze you left upon Bucky, a soft tingle traveling up the length of his spine.

He watched as your hands met at your front, wringing together in a shy manner. “So – you don't have to be at the briefing until nine… right?”

Bucky hummed.

“Wanna get a start on the Princess Bride, then? It’s next on our list.”

Oh, the list. A list you had curated specifically to get Bucky caught up on the wondrous twenty first century and all of the literature and films he had missed out on. The list was practically a mile long, filled with some of your favorites along with other suggestions from your teammates. Lately you had been raving about a book and film called The Princess Bride, a title that made Bucky assume it was just another fairytale story. But he would never be one to deny you, especially when you looked up at him with an excited sparkle in your eyes. Usually if a film accompanied a novel, you’d read the book first and then watch the movie adaptation, but without a copy of The Princess Bride on hand, the film alone would have to do.

Bucky allowed his lips to form a gentle grin, his heart beating wildly yet again. “Of course, let me shower first and we’ll start it.”

Thirty minutes later, after the both of you had scrubbed the sweat away from your bodies and freshened up, Bucky had found you in your bedroom with the lights off and an array of snacks laid across the foot of the bed. You were already laying down, clad in a navy long sleeved cotton tee and a tight pair of black shorts that left your silky smooth legs on display, a t.v remote in your hands, and your thumb pressing some buttons before the movie was pulled up. Upon seeing Bucky’s large frame leaning against the doorway you ushered him in, patting the empty spot of the mattress next to you.

Your eyes scanned his body as he moved to sit down, his plain black t-shirt hugging the muscles across his chest, his metal arm free of restriction. This is the Bucky you loved to see. He grew to be comfortable around you, especially in the quietness of your room where nobody else was looking in. Nobody else was watching him or expecting anything from him. It was just the two of you, exactly the way you both liked it.

Bucky huffed as he shifted his body to match your relaxed position, his hands clasping at his stomach. Though he was positive he couldn’t match your internal calmness, not when he could smell the coconut shampoo you had used in the shower, or the vanilla conditioner you often paired with it. The scent alone made his body tense up, his lungs filling to the brim with every breath he took.

“Now you have to pay attention to this one, Buck. It’s one of my favorites.” You teased quietly so as not to startle him in the current silence that surrounded you.

“I'll pay attention, don't worry.” He quipped back with a smirk, knocking his sweatpant covered knee into yours.

With another shared smile you finally pressed play, the opening scene flooding your room with bright colors. You leaned down to grab some of the snacks you prepared, a large bowl of popcorn, a bag of pretzels, and a few boxes of candy.

Bucky was slightly caught off guard, his brows furrowed as he turned to look at you. “I thought this was about a princess, who’s this little kid?” He asked, confused as to why a sickly boy was on the screen. “And who is that? His grandpa or something?”

“Just keep watching Buck, you’ll get it soon.” You giggled, knowing he'd have plenty of other questions and concerns as the movie played on.

As the old man sat down and opened the book he would read to his grandson, Bucky seemed to connect the dots a little better. He stayed quiet for only a minute longer before he had more commentary to spew.

Bucky wasn't expecting the film to be as lovey dovey as it was, especially in the first few minutes alone.“As you wish? This Westley guy sounds a bit whipped for that Buttercup, don't you think?” Bucky mumbled in between bites of popcorn, the bowl now resting in his lap.

You hummed in slight agreement. “I dunno, I think it's kinda sweet.”

Kinda sweet? Hmm, maybe Bucky should be taking notes on this, then. The way in which Westley looked at Buttercup oddly reminded him of how he often looked at you, with nothing but sincerity and reverence in his eyes. But the narrator said Westley was in love with Buttercup, and surely what Bucky felt for you didn’t mean he was in love.

Right?

As the movie continued, a story of princesses, sword fights, bad guys, adventure and love was unfurling before his eyes, Bucky tried his hardest to stay focused. He found his attention being swept elsewhere when you suddenly shifted closer to him, your head resting gently on the edge of his shoulder. He could feel each warm breath you exhaled against his skin, his nerve endings sparking. When you curled even closer into his side you had no idea you had just started a wildfire within the man. The heat of a thousand suns burned inside of Bucky from something as simple as your body next to his. It was voluntary, your desire to close the physical gap between the two of you. It didn’t gross you out, it didn’t make you flinch or cower. He nearly had the idea to pull you in further by wrapping his arm over your shoulder, but would that be too far? The second he said fuck it and began moving his arm, you spoke, stopping him in his tracks.

“Shit, is it nearly nine already?” You suddenly called, your eyes pointed up to the clock on the wall. “You should probably head to the meeting room before Cap comes and busts my door down.” With a quick press to the pause button the movie had stopped, the wildfire dying out as you pushed to sit upright.

His brows furrowed. “You’re not coming with?”

You hummed, a look of contemplation spreading across your features. “Do you want me to come with?” You asked sweetly, your fingers wrapping over the plastic remote as you laid it on your night stand.

All Bucky gave was a nod, but that was enough for you.

Bucky was silent as he walked next to you, too many thoughts invading his head to think about a single one clearly, let alone engage in small talk while he was at it. He was spacing out, the only thing keeping him tethered to the present was your blurry figure walking ahead of him to the elevators. He didn’t register getting in the elevator, nor stepping out and moving towards the meeting room, and not even sitting down beside you at the long conference table. Bucky eventually tuned back in when your knee began knocking against his. 

“Earth to Buck. You with us, bud?” You whispered next to his ear, his eyes focusing in on your concerned face, your look mirrored by Steve’s and Sam’s across from him. 

With a shake of his head he chuckled, playing off whatever happened. “Yeah, sorry – what were you saying?” Bucky turned to meet Steve’s eyes, the fog barely clearing. 

Steve was used to that foreign look on Bucky’s face, so he knew to tread lightly and keep the teasing at bay. “I said that I was glad you could make it on time, that’s all. Anyway, now that we’re here, let’s get started, shall we?” Steve said with the authoritative Captain voice he always used during meetings. He stood, shuffling to a wide screen and began detailing tomorrow's plans. Bucky was counting on you to be paying close attention, because he could hardly hear Steve, the muddled words drowned out behind the beats of his frantic heart. He was saying something about an abandoned building Fury had mentioned, a possible threat.

Like the world would run out of those any time soon.

Bucky slowly fell out of his spaced-out state, suddenly noticing the gentle circular patterns being drawn against his silver arm. The tips of your nails pressed against the chipped plates of his prosthetic, the motions barely registering from how soft and lazily you scrapped them across.

A thought crossed his mind just then, a memory seared into his brain of the first time you touched him.

“He doesn’t like hugs.” Steve had mumbled in your ear, pulling away from your embrace only to lean down uncomfortably in his gear and tactile suit. You were mostly hidden behind Steve’s large, towering frame, peeking out from around his bicep to study the panting man behind him.

The two had just returned to the Compound from a grueling mission, one that left a few civilians in critical care from the cruel acts of another narcissistic, egotistical evil-doer. They both came back utterly defeated and in low spirits, Bucky’s glazed-over eyes casting downward and refusing to meet yours as you stood before him.

Steve eventually walked away, his slight limp horribly masked by his ‘if I’m still breathing, I’m fine’ attitude, leaving you and Bucky alone in the eerily silent living room. You could hear the low, quick draws of breath invade his nose, the slump of his shoulders falling deeper and deeper by the second. The guy looked like he was going to fall over from exhaustion.

By this point, you and Bucky had shared a handful of conversations, a few of them lingering far past his normal social encounters. He was beginning to feel less guarded around you, noticing how isolated rays of the sun began to penetrate his long-standing concrete fortress he built for protection. So, when you stepped closer to his cowering body, he didn’t feel the sudden urge to back away. He didn’t feel the need to run and hide.

And when your arms opened for him, ever so carefully wrapping around his wide torso, your hands clasping at the bottom of his back – he had no urge other than to stay. He let you hold him for minutes, the two of you never leaving your spot, your feet planted solidly to the ground using your strength to hold the both of you steady.

He didn’t tell you at the time, but being so delicately shielded in your arms was the first time he felt safe that whole day. That whole week. That whole month.

No, who was he kidding? It’s the first time he felt that safe all fucking year.

Now, he longed for a touch he didn’t deserve. He yearned for the safety you provided, whether it was your body against his or your fingers grazing down his horrid, scar-ridden arm. It slowed the taunting words that raced through his head. It steadied his wretched heart. It was more generosity than he could ever hope to ask for.

“…So as I said, it should be an easy in and out. Fury deemed it fully abandoned, and from what I saw of it, I’d have to agree. The jet is leaving from hangar three at six sharp, so don’t be late. Especially you, Buck.”

The call of his name caused his eyes to shoot up, meeting the stern face of his captain. “Yeah, six sharp, got it.” Bucky confirmed with a slight nod. His mind was still wandering with the comforting drag of your fingers, wondering how long you’d hang onto him.

Eight minutes. That’s how long. Bucky counted each ticking second.

You eventually pulled away from him when the two of you stood in front of your bedroom door, Bucky walking back with you in a somber silence. He wasn’t too keen on the idea of another mission without you, even with Steve’s promise of returning the same day. Bucky didn’t want you to worry, and he knew that worrying was what you did best.

“Just be careful, alright? I know you always are but… still. No stupid decisions.” Your touch didn’t leave for good, your chest meeting his as your arms found their favorite spot against his waist. The top of your head was so close to his mouth, he had no other choice but to plant a short kiss to it, a lingering promise of his return mumbled quickly after.

Bucky kept his eyes on you as you disappeared into your room for the night, standing outside your door until he heard you climb into bed. It seemed as though, whether he was aware of it or not, Bucky might have been just as whipped for you as Westley was for Buttercup. Overstaying his welcome, he waited until the soothing sounds of your soft snoring floated to his ears, finally allowing his legs to carry him to his own bed.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Maybe you had every right in the world to worry.

Maybe Bucky wasn’t as strong as he thought he was.

Maybe he wasn’t fit for this job anymore.

Maybe he just screwed up the life he had begun building for himself.

Maybe what everyone else told him was true.

Maybe Bucky Barnes was nothing but a monster.

Frantic voices filled the air of the Compound, deafening orders being yelled into the room, your teammates running around with wide eyes.

Standing by the jet, motionless and panicked, you felt close to vomiting everywhere. What they said couldn’t be true, right? It couldn’t be. You refused to believe it. You refused to believe Bucky did what they reported back. The Bucky you knew couldn't have. He had gotten better, he was doing so good… making incredible progress. Surely it wasn’t that easy for him to re-enter that old headspace.

Right?

The Earth stopped spinning the moment you saw him. It seemed like the man you talked to barely ten hours ago had left, replaced with a stranger you could hardly recognize.

Bucky was unconscious, his body restrained and bloodied as he was dragged along the floor with Steve on one side and Sam on the other to carry him upright. His entire tactile suit was lathered in crimson, the color consuming him entirely. Steve was seething, his face sweaty and flushed, the veins in his neck and along his forehead protruding in anger as he barked at everyone to move out of the way. Sam was no better, his frazzled state only partially concealed by the stony expression he wore. You were frozen solid, unable to process the scene unfolding in front of your face.

As the men came closer you realized that Sam wasn’t holding onto Bucky’s left arm, but instead his shaking hands gripped at the edge of his dripping red kevlar vest. Forcing your eyes to his side, you immediately understood why.

Bucky’s left arm was gone. The silver prosthetic looked as if it had been viciously ripped off, mere remnants of what it once was left in its place, frayed wires and bent gears protruding from the damaged shoulder. A horrified gasp left you. Just yesterday you were holding onto that same arm, and in the blink of an eye it was just… gone? No – no… surely you had fallen into some ultra-realistic nightmare. This couldn’t really be happening. It couldn’t possibly be Bucky that–

“Y/n? You need to breathe.” A calm voice called to your side, a small hand pressing against yours.

It was Natasha. Her breaths were labored, yet no panic showed on her face. “He’s going to be–”

“Where are they taking him?” Your voice didn’t sound familiar, quiet and trembling with an uneasiness that hardly found you. Her hand squeezed down on yours, trying her best to steer you away from the full blown panic attack that was creeping up your spine.

You watched uneasily as they took him away, Tony, Bruce, Helen, and Clint jogging after them with loud stomps. Your feet were quick to follow – only to be hindered by Natasha’s hand to your chest. “Going after them now will do you no good. I’ll wait with you until we know more.”

Grinding down on your teeth, you hesitated. Screw waiting. But you knew she was right. Steve wouldn’t allow you to come anywhere near Bucky if what they said happened truly occurred. Reluctantly, you let Natasha guide you back inside and to the main floor living room.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

By the time any updates arrived, your fingernails were halfway chewed off, your leg bouncing up and down furiously from adrenaline. It had been hours since the boys came back, the sun now far below the horizon, a deep, unsettling dusk settling over the sky. Allowing your gaze to drift to the large window panes, you noticed how the stars were hiding tonight, protected by a sea of charcoal black clouds. Maybe they too were afraid of Bucky after seeing the violent acts he committed earlier.

Steve sauntered into the room, his eyes immediately finding yours as you stood up all too quickly. A breath lingered in your throat, waiting for him to speak.

“Bucky is going to be alright. He’s shaken and a little confused, but Dr. Cho has him stable.” Steve offered, barely getting the words out before you started in on the million questions inside your head.

“What the hell happened out there, Steve?” Sitting around for hours did nothing to calm you, tearing you apart little by little instead. “Simple recons don’t look like that.” You pointed a finger to the middle of the Compound, still having no idea where they took Bucky.

Steve’s head dropped, his hand coming to rub against his temple. “Fury and I were wrong. The place wasn’t abandoned — and it wasn’t just any old facility either. It was an old Hydra base…”

Your body seemed to shrivel under his voice.

You knew what was coming next.

“Please don’t tell me they–”

A single look from the man was all the confirmation you needed.

“It happened so fast… I couldn’t get Bucky out in time before they… before they started playing it over the intercoms. After he heard the first word — he looked at me with so much fear, and the next second he looked at me like he had no fucking clue who I was.” He took a deep breath, poorly attempting to cover the quiver in his voice. “We tried to get him out. But they had traps and guards started coming for us and… after Bucky stopped swinging at Sam and I he went straight for them. I couldn’t do anything but watch…”

He shifted back and forth, clearly not wanting to relive the events of earlier. “Then his arm… he got caught in a doorway and I had no choice.”

Your body swayed from the weight of this newfound information, Natasha getting up to stabilize you and move you back to the couch before your legs gave out. Tears pricked at your tired eyes, and you felt entirely helpless. One of your closest friends just had to relive decades worth of trauma because of a stupid mission gone wrong. It seemed unfathomable. No other mission, Hydra or not, had been this catastrophic for Bucky.

“When can I see him?” You feared the answer Steve would give.

“I’m not exactly…”

Steve’s words died in his throat as a gentle knocking came from behind him. The three of you simultaneously picked your heads up, eyes darting to the source.

Stepping out from behind the doorway was a tall man, his deep brown eyes soft and his expression calm and collected. The dark burgundy of his pants matched that of his wrinkle-free jacket, intricate gray detailings sewn in across the chest. It wasn’t anyone you recognized, yet he seemed oddly familiar. His voice drifted inside the room, smooth and precise.

“Captain — I just got off the phone with Shuri. They are ready whenever you are.”

PART ONE PLAYLIST

🌟Songs that have inspired this series 🌟

— April 10, 2019: Powehi - Image of a Black Hole

By Sleeping at Last

— Where We Landed

By SYML

— Atom 1

By Sleeping at Last

— Hold me Tight

By Berlinist

— Sunshine (Adagio in D Minor)

By John Murphy

I recommend listening to the songs in order as shown above. A master playlist will be linked at the end of the series.

Spotify Link to the Chapter One Playlist

[asinglesock]

I survived Holy Week! I managed to show up for my commitments and there weren't any horrible disasters even on the parts that were a little rough. It took a lot of time and I did get very tired, but it felt so much more meaningful than how I grew up celebrating Easter.

I really, really have begun to feel something sometimes in prayer. I felt it during the Good Friday service when we prayed silently. During the baptism part of the vigil, I felt drawn very strongly. I think, theologically at least, I'm getting closer to ready to be baptized. Socially, I think it will be very difficult for me to tell my familiy if I have a Trinitarian baptism (and of course the very nature of baptism is to be public). May God guide me and give me courage.

I took communion during the vigil! It's been years since I'd taken communion--the last time had been at college chapel pre-pandemic. I stopped taking communion at the UPCI congregation when I noticed I had significant differences of belief. It's been a matter of scrupulousity for me, since many open table communion churches are actually open to all who have been baptized, and I had a Jesus-only baptism. So even though the ELCA's position is more ambiguous than, say, the Episcopal church's, I've tried to err on the side of caution. But at the communion part of the vigil the officiant was very clear that there were no exceptions at all, so I took him at his word. I'm still not taking communion in regular services, but that was such a good experience (if awkward, as I was the cantor during communion and had to time things very carefully)

The gospel reading for Easter, John chapter 20, was the alternate text because the minister didn't want to read the shortest ending of Mark, where the women tell nobody what they'd seen because they're afraid. I love John 20 but I felt a little sad to not hear Mark. In my Resurrection class we talked about how the abrupt ending of Mark, which never resolves how the word about the resurrection got out, makes the reader (who's been in on the Messianic secret along with the narrator this whole time) an active participant, spreading the news they've just read. I find that so theologically rich.

I'm a Christian. I'm a Christian! I believe in and love Jesus! I read the Nicene creed today and I believed in what I was reading! I've spent years in doubt and alienation, in critical examination, in apathy, and in despair. I have experienced spiritual abuse and its resulting trauma. I've gone through times when I did not believe in God, and times when I thought the rot within Christianity went too deep for it to be salvaged. The faith I have now is very different from the way I once understood the world. (But I have faith! I have faith! I believe in God and I care that I believe in God!)

I feel so loved and surrounded and nourished. I couldn't have wished for better as I turn 24.