#or baka sinasabi ko lang to sa sarili ko to distract myself from all the other shit ive said

[citrusmaxxer]

dude..

i used to be so honest and so good at communicating but now i am a pussy. and my gf is so so good at that and i think she literally deserves better than me

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

Let me tell you something about the moon

What am I afraid of? Is it really the darkness? or is it because we don't know what's inside the dark? It's the latter. The fear of not knowing what is in the dark. It's the fear of emptiness and uncertainty.

I am in the dark. I can't see what's ahead of me and the emptiness is drowning me. Every fear that I have is right before my eyes. It's too much. I'm barely living, but I'm trying.

I realized that I've been in here for the longest time in my life. At one point, I manage to escape but it didn't last long. Free trial lang kung baga, 'cuz the brightest part of the world doesnt belong to me. In other words, I really don't deserve good things in life lol. Binalik ulit ako kung saan ako nararapat. I learned to accept it. I'm so tired of trying to find my escape. I just wish for it to end. When will it end?

Ang sakit sakit na mabuhay dito sa mundo. Why do we have to feel pain? I just wish to have better chance in life. Maybe- just maybe, things will be different.

At this point, hindi ko na kilala yung totoong ako. I'm living for the sake of other people-for my family. When will I have the chance to live for myself. I never had this kind of priviledge.

Earlier this day, I watched 'Hello Love, Goodbye'. The movie came out last 2019 pero ngayon ko lang siya napanuod hehe. I found myself in the same situation as Joy. I can't even put it into words. If you already saw the movie, malalaman mo kung pano naging ako si Joy. Pero siya kasi nagawa niyang i-pursue yung pangarap niya. Ako? Kailan kaya?

Kasi hindi ko kayang piliin yung sarili ko. Yes. I have a choice. Pwedeng pwede ko piliin sarili ko but that will cost us everything. Saakin sila umaasa, I don't want to disappoint them. I need to be strong for them. Ang sakit sakit saakin pero ito yung kapalaran ko eh. I was programmed for this kind of life. Alam ko na ganito yung magiging ending ko matagal na.

Masyado lang talaga akong naghangad ng masayang buhay. Pwede pa rin naman akong maging masaya ng ganito eh. I just thought na baka may iba pang paraan para makaalis ako sa sitwasyon ko. Pero mahirap mabuhay sa panaginip, gigisingin ka ng realidad ng buhay. If I will choose myself, EVERYTHING will fall apart and I can't afford to do that. I can't risk it.

I'm miserable but I will still try to live a happy life. Sana dumating na yung time na hindi na ako mahihirapan na piliin yung sarili ko. I'm so used of choosing others over me. I don't think I could ever do anything for myself without feeling guilty.

Am I too harsh on myself? Siguro kasi gusto kong magalit sa mundo dahil sa sitwasyon ko ngayon pero nagagalit ako sa sarili. I'm trying to punish myself as if I not living in hell ever since lol. My whole life is a whole ass drama plot. Maybe I could try to write my story and try to sell it para may kwenta naman yung buhay ko lol.

Everyday is a struggle. I cry myself to sleep. I tried so hard to be happy. I'm actually a cheerful person kung wala akong mental issues. A lot of things could make me smile: like the moon and the stars in the sky, like food; food makes me happy hahaha, like the smell of books, like the flowers that blooms randomly on the ground and etc. I don't know why I'm very fond of wildflowers. Like flowers that randomly grow anywhere (favorite flower is a daisy 🌼). Some will call it weed or unwanted plants/flowers, common flower or fillers sa mga boquet, pero yun yung mga gusto kong bulaklak. Yung tingin ng iba ay walang kwenta. Kasi theres so much to see in this world. You can always have a reason to be happy, you need to look for it and appreciate. Pero kasi bakit ganito ako ih. Bakit ako nalulugmok sa kalungkutan? Bakit nahihirapan parin akong maging masaya?

I'm too depressed to even talk to anyone. I'm too scared na mapagod silang intindihin yung mga kadramahan ko. Kasi paulit ulit lang naman eh, araw araw ganun walang bago. Ako nga pagod na sa sarili ko, sila pa kaya? I'm scared that one day they will leave. Kaya ba iniiwasan ko silang lahat ngayon? Maybe? Di ko rin maintindihan sarili ko. I know marami akong kaibigan na iintindi saakin at naappreciate ko silang lahat. Natatakot parin akong di nila ako maintindihan at magsawa silang intindihin ako. Kaya most of them will not ask or check on me kasi ang alam nila na I will reach out pag ready na akong magopen up. But often times, I try to keep everything to myself to the point where I will miss the chance to talk about what I really feel.

Most of the time I just need someone who will listen sa mga rant ko. Kahit minsan walang kwenta yung mga sinasabi ko. Kahit wala ka ng advice or comment. I just want to be heard. I want to be seen.

I don't know how to handle myself anymore, tbh. One moment I will try to distract myself by doing some workouts etc and then bigla akong hihinto midway kasi I suddenly felt like crying. And I have to get through the day with a heavy heart.

I will stay where I am, for now. I hope and I pray to have the chance I deserve. A better chance in life, perhaps.

Because life is a battlefield, you need to learn how to wield a sword. You have to fight for your life and face everything that is coming your way. Hindi maiiwasan yung casualty, you could fall but you need to learn how to stand again para ituloy yung laban. The goal is to make it out alive. So, we need to have courage to live. The prize will be worth it in the end.

I know I can't do this alone. I'm sorry if there would be ocassions where I'm hard headed and not easy to be understood. Sorry if I ever try to push everyone away cause I feel like I will not do you any good. I tend to overthink a lot kaya I'm sorry for some unecessary thoughts or shits that I may have said that doesnt makes sense at all. I'm sorry if there are times na ang sakit kong magsalita at maattitude ako, sometimes its trauma response to protect myself from getting hurt.

Ikaw na nakakabasa nito. Yes, you!! I love you. Thank you for staying in my life kahit magulo ako most of the time and I know I have toxic traits rin. Thank you sa walang sawang pag intindi. Thank you for being patient with me. It's rare to have someone like you and I thank God every single day. I sent this to you kasi I trust you with every bits of my soul. Ipagkakatiwala ko sayo even the darkest part of my mind.

You would probably think na baliw na ako hahaha I was crying while typing the first half of my post and then afterwards I found my 'strong self' again. Very therapeutic talaga itong ginagawa ko hahaha.

Also, I found out that my name "Laila" originated from an Arabic/Hebrew word which means 'night/dark' it could mean 'beauty in the dark', 'daughter of the night', 'dark hair beauty'.

Amazing right? Maybe I'm really destined to be in the dark lol. Coincidence lang talaga yung pangalan ko huhu. Di nga alam ni mama kung ano ibig sabihin ng pangalan ko eh hhhh. Maybe I'm really the daughter of the night kasi I love to associate myself with the moon or the stars. I always fall inlove with the nightscape or nightskh. It's the only time of the day where the stars will shine and the moon will be seen. Bagay na bagay saakin yung pangalan ko.

Anyways, thanks for reading. You made it this far sa post ko so, thank you for your time and effort.

Hope you have a great day and stay safe.

Your dramatic Leo girl who has anxiety issues,

Laila

I'm cute or whateva

[iamhisworkinprogress]

Disconnected but connected

Cutting off social media madness in my life for who knows how long dahil ang laki na ng eyebags ko kakabasa at kakapanood ng kung ano anong hindi naman mahahalagang bagay! argh! HAHA!

I have been trying to discipline myself, pero wala eh, ang lakas talaga ng temptation! I know the best way to resist temptation is to be completely away from it. Matagal ko naman na alam yan pero katulad ng iba pang mga dating “temptations/distractions” sa buhay ko, sinubukan ko talaga i-manage mag-isa, pero wala eh. Di talaga kaya, kasi mas lalong di ako maka-focus dun sa talagang may kaya na tanggalin ang mga distractions na yan sa buhay ko. Initially, part lang dapat to ng Prayer and Fasting ko this year, pero naisip ko gusto ko na i-try ng matagal na panahon ung pag hibernate para talagang makapag focus ako sa mga mas mahahalagang bagay sa buhay ko, especially sa patuloy na pag pursue ko kay God. :) (tignan natin kung gaano ko katagal kakayanin. HAHAHA!)

Ngayon, anong temptation ba ung sinasabi ko? 

Unang una ko lang naman na problema talaga is that I am spending too much time sa mga videos (ung funny ones ha) nood dito, nood doon and before I know it, aba! 2am na! tsk tsk. Grabe! nag quit nga ako sa app games ko dahil nakita ko na sobrang naka-apekto talaga un sa devotion time ko at dates ko with God (2015 resolution) pero social media naman ang pumalit. tsk tsk tsk. niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko sa unang resolution di ba? HAHA!

Pangalawa, nag pprofile hopping ako (ayoko i-label na stalking kasi minsan wala naman talaga akong rason, trip ko lang malaman kung anong nangyayari sa buhay nila. haha) but this sometimes produces a negative effect on me! Lalo na kung nagkaroon/magkakaroon na sila nung bagay na gustong gusto ko, argh. It isn't exactly jealousy but madalas, it stirs up emotions na haynako talaga and makes me lose focus on God and His promises for my life. Nagiging sobrang impatient ako, nakaka-depress minsan lalo na kapag natapat sa aking “time of the month” Super bad combo! HAHAHA!

I've done this many times, umabot pa nga ata ako ng mahigit apat na buwan (kala mo ang tagal eh noh?HAHA) noon na walang social media so wala naman talaga akong problema na gawin ulit ito. Tingin ko eh hindi ko lang magawa gawa ito ulit the past few months dahil feeling ko mas malulungkot ako kapag “wala” na akong gagawin sa free time ko at baka mas ma-depress pa ako kakaisip ng kung ano anong mga nakakalungkot na bagay (wala na ngang games wala pang videos! parang sad life) haha! at ayoko din isipin ng tao na nag eemo ako dahil sa ilang “unfortunate” (for most of them, unfortunate daw yun, pero para sa akin blessing kaya yun!hehe seryoso!) na nangyari sa akin last year kaya ako mawawala dahil hindi naman talaga ako nag eemo! (PRIDE. HAHA) at pinaka-importante, gusto naman talaga gamitin sana ang social media to reach out to my other friends na hindi pa nakikilala si Jesus (eto seryosong dahilan and I am super happy to say na I have small victories with it ;p) 

Tumblr will be the only social media account na gagamitin ko kasi wala naman halos may kakilala at nakakaintindi (language wise) sa akin dito at ung mga fina-follow ko naman eh usually related lang talaga kay God - ang aking number one priority ngayon (at magpakailanman! hehehe!)

But just in case na kakilala mo ako (pero tingin ko wala naman talaga nakakabasa nito na kakilala ko. HAHA) my "ask" box is open and I will still open FB messages/messenger (kasi that is my only connection with my family bilang ako ay isang OFW sa malayong lugar ulit ngayon), Whatsapp (dahil sa trabaho at dahil hindi naman ako nag lload ng prepaid ko. HAHAHAHA) at iMessage (dahil libre lang din sa monthly data ko. haha!) Dyan mo nalang ako kumustahin kung may pakialam ka sa akin or na-miss mo ako. HAHA =p Di ako magdedeactivate ng fb and instagram so I might still get tagged so kapag may bibo friend akong post ng post, baka makabalita ka pa din. HAHA!

So ayun, most likely, ung mga tao lang talaga na totoong "connected" at gusto maki-"connect" sa totoong buhay ko ung gusto kong matira sa ngayon. My social media accounts have never reflected my whole life story naman talaga eversince - besides this tumblr account na mejo madaming alam sa buhay ko. hehe!  This note is for those people na gustong maki-"connect" at talagang interestado sa buhay ko (haha mejo feeling. argh. HAHAHAHAHAHA) because the ones who are really "connected" has been or will be personally informed. ;)

By the way, sharing my two life verses for this year! Nagdagdag na ako ng isa kasi ung una every year ko na ginagamit eh feeling ko wala na masyadong effect sa akin. haha!

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33 

-side note, lately (yeah nakakalungkot na mejo recently ko lang siya naintindihan ulit) na-realize ko ung “all these things” na sinasabi ni God dito eh ung mga “needs” ko, ung alam ni God, with His wisdom na talagang kailangan ko. Ang dami kong tanong at dumating pa ako sa point na nagtatampo na ako kay God dahil sa “all these things” na yan. Kamote lang eh noh? di na ako nahiya! haha! 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6

- because God’s wisdom is infinitely greater than mine and this year is the year na sinusuko ko na talaga ang LAHAT! LAHAT LAHAT! hehehe! Yun lang! ang haba na ayaw ko na mag explain. ;p

Always,

Umaarteng Negrang Lakwatsera