#or at least impressive because what the fuck am i even doing anymore!!!! i moved my furniture around and now i'm just

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

i'm so useless it's actually like. a feat at this point

[beanarie]

i never wanted water once part 3

tommy is also breakup baking, prompted by my dear @sanguinarysanguinity

tw: mention of parent death, mention of child abuse

part 1

part 2

~

Gutierrez eyes him on his way out of the locker room. "Feel like no one ever sees you anymore. You coming back to the pickup game or what?"

"Oh." Tommy gives his damp hair one last rub from the towel. "I wasn't planning on it, to be honest. Too awkward."

Gutierrez frowns. "Why?"

"You know," Tommy says, wishing he didn't have to, "Eddie Diaz. I broke up with his best friend."

"Diaz hasn't shown in weeks. Probably got injured. You know how that crew is."

And that. Well. He and Eddie were friends. They became tight very quickly in a way Tommy hasn't experienced with many people. He shouldn't have thrown a connection like that away without at least trying to salvage it.

He sends a text, a polite, generic one asking about his welfare. Worst thing that can happen is Eddie tells him to fuck off and he's back where he started. He fully expects to be left on read.

He does not expect Eddie to tell him he's moving back to Texas because he's given up on his son deciding to come home. Eddie invites him to a pre-going away dinner at a bar and grill before he goes down South for a few days to scout out homes. And, no, absolutely not. But Tommy proposes getting a drink, just the two of them. Eddie very validly explains that he can't spare the time, since he's already started packing up his life and he's working overtime to save up for a down payment. Tommy gets it. He does.

The day after the dinner, Eddie calls him. "Hey, man. I know we're like two ships passing in the night, but I didn't want to leave without a proper goodbye. I still got some more shifts before I move for good, but the time will go by quick. We'll just stay on the line, okay? Keep me company while I go through my kitchen cabinets."

"It's good to hear from you," Tommy says honestly.

"So yeah." Eddie hums. "Why'd you do it?"

"Text you?" Tommy says. "I heard that-"

"Kinard," Eddie says, unamused.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"You just didn't seem the type to flee."

None of you know me as well as you thought you did, Tommy doesn't say. That's not fair to any of them. "I wasn't, in the past. Well, I tried not being that. A couple times. It didn't work out."

"Oh," Eddie says. "There it is."

"There what is?"

"You've got shit."

"Haven't we all?"

"Hey, I am not denying that." Eddie chuckles. "Do you plan on dealing with it, or letting it blow up every good thing you find until you die?"

"Jesus, Eddie."

"What's the point in mincing words? You did something dumb and destructive. What kinda friend would I be if I let that go without saying anything?"

"So what's the weather even like in El Paso? Does it ever get below 100?"

After a groan, Eddie lets Tommy talk about his shit, about Texas, parenthood, and chess clubs, for the rest of the call. Tommy can't say that he'll miss him. He missed him already and now he gets to continue doing so. All of this sucks.

Tommy tries his hand at gnocchi made with ricotta, lemon, and pepper that subsequently almost causes a fistfight during B shift.

Demetra favors him with a warm smile, taking in the large box in his hands. "Tom, right? Welcome! What's all this?"

"Tommy," he says easily, impressed she remembered his name at all. He hasn't been to this slightly dusty community center in five or six years. "Uh, this is garlic knots and mini calzones."

"Well, hey. You're even more welcome than before. Come take a seat."

December is a stupid time to rejoin group, many of the participants close to the edge from a cocktail of seasonal depression, missing dead loved ones, and generalized loneliness. Tommy knew it would be like this going in. He counted on it. Everyone will have so much to say that there likely won't be any time for him to open his mouth. He's not ready to spill. It will help to just soak in the atmosphere of unashamed honesty for a while.

At his third meeting, Cal, a slender guy in his mid twenties with a curly mohawk, keeps bringing up his mother. "She never wanted me to enlist," he says, "and now that I'm back home and struggling, she can't stop being all 'I told you so' morning, noon, and night. She never says it, but she is thinking it."

"Is she?" Tommy finds himself asking. "Or are you putting something on her that isn't there?"

"Maybe so." Cal pops one of Tommy's fried ravioli in his mouth and chews thoughtfully. "I don't know, I should probably give her a chance, think first about what she's actually saying before I react. But it's hard in the moment, you know?"

"Tommy?" Demetra says a minute later, making him feel like a kid being called on by the teacher. "How's your relationship with your mom?"

"Nonexistent. She died when I was fifteen." He crosses his ankles. "Fell asleep in the car on our way back from an away game and we couldn't wake her up. Heart attack."

Demetra frowns sympathetically. "That must've been hard for a kid to witness."

"I've seen so much worse since then. People shot in the head by machine guns, people covered in burns over most of their bodies..."

Demetra shakes her head slightly. "They weren't your mom."

He ducks his head, pressing his lips together. "True. It's just- That's not- It's not trauma. I don't fear falling asleep and not waking up."

"What do you fear?" Cal asks.

Being left, being hurt, being validated in his belief that no one will ever see him for all he is and choose to stick around. "Standard stuff, really. Clowns, taxes, drivers on the freeway."

He gets a pity laugh, a groan or two, and one outright glare. "Okay, okay." He exhales loudly. "Ending up alone by someone else's choice rather than mine."

"So you're cool with being on your own, as long as you're the one keeping everyone away," Cal says.

God, that sounds idiotic. "Yes?"

"You prefer it like this?" asks a woman about his own age wearing a green bomber jacket.

He shrugs. "It's not ideal, but as far as worst case scenarios go, it's okay. It's fine."

"It's spineless," says a gray-haired man with a Desert Storm hat.

Tommy doesn't flinch. "Yeah, that's kind of an inherent character trait. I keep thinking I got it licked, then it shows up wearing another face. Scared of my dad, so I joined the army and became someone he couldn't hurt anymore. Scared of people knowing I was gay, so I waited to come out until I was surrounded by brand new people. Scared of my boyfriend leaving, so." He pushes at the skin above his knees, kneading it. "So I left him first."

"You fall back," says Bomber Jacket. Her name is Annie or Angie. She has conflicted feelings about dating a man with kids. "It's easy to stop being scared when the thing that scared you is far away."

He hears Eddie. You just didn't seem the type to flee.

Demetra holds up a hand. Tommy's face must be doing something concerning. "No one here faults you for what you did to survive. Is it still serving you, is the question, or is that just what you're used to?"

He doesn't bake when he gets home. He drinks half the beers in his fridge and does a shockingly efficient job of cleaning his house, while drafting and deleting twenty-seven different texts. He then wakes up the next day, and goes to the pickup game.

Gutierrez scores four rebounds on him and doesn't shut up about it for the rest of their next shift. Tommy grumbles, and talks shit, and promises he won't have much to brag about next time.

[ipatrichor]

dead boy detectives episode eight thoughts

oh my god we're here... the finale... god i have so many thoughts with this. im gonna try to keep things slightly organized and do a little wrap-up at the end but. we'll see!

moved spoilery stuff under the cut haha. but also technically everything is a spoiler? so it's just all under the read more 👍

first of all... niko my love my heart. i've moved past the shock i'm just sad now... my girl!!! i hate being right sometimes like... god she was so kind and she tried so hard and and. huauaauaghh i don't have the words for this just know im absolutely gutted 😭😭

and crystal... god i love the way they did her memories and i love that she was an asshole, but also she was a neglected kid with parents who didn't even notice when she went missing!! god. it sure does explain some things huh... idk i love the way she reacted, how scared she was of the person she used to be. but ultimately, of course, the only way she can go is forward. the only thing she can do is live with who she used to be and choose who she wants to be going forward, and she won't be doing those things alone

JENNY IM SO GLAD JENNY CAME TO ENGLAND WITH THEM. it sucks that her shop got exploded but also i think it'll be good for her, to get a fresh start somewhere else after the shit she's been through. i'm glad she's staying with the group i care her ^^

monty helping save them... alright man. you're on thin ice but you're at least back on the ice instead of falling right through so. you have earned a little bit of my respect back and im sorry that you were bound to such a shitty witch 👍

ALSO HEY SPEAKING OF EDWIN'S LOVE INTERESTS. can we talk about the gorgeous animation for the cat king's story????? HELLO that was beautiful and so impressive!!! it really transported me into the story being told and it looked so classic disney which made a wonderful juxtaposition with what was happening. i love that so much!!!!!

esther... god what do i say about esther. her acting is phenomenal, she's so well written to be funny and absolutely terrifying, i love her story and i love the way it was resolved. i absolutely LOVE that she wasn't beaten by the gang overpowering her, it was karmic. it was the retribution for the lives she's taken, all the little girls she's killed for her own selfishness, and their retribution comes to claim her. who gets justice for them, indeed

OKAY can i just say. i am absolutely thrilled with how the lilith thing went down i didn't even think they would use the image of her in esther's memories to contact her!!! i hoped she would be involved somehow, would right the wrongs that had been done to those little girls, but i did not expect it to be this amazing!!!! god i love that they put those pieces into the show so early, so we were able to guess that they'd come together and then they DO in such an amazing way!!!

and once again niko saves the day by being genuine and talking to people... god i love her so much. she learned the exact information they needed for this fight episodes ago, by talking to the woman near the beach because she likes talking to people and learning things!!!! niko sasaki the woman that you were.... god the fact that it's were instead of are. im gonna fucking cry

and the ending!!! they aren't on the run anymore it's been recognized that they're doing good so they're allowed to keep doing it and helping people!!!!! GODDD that makes me so happy i love that so much!!!!!!

ALSO I WILL SAY. when the superior didn't give them her name and then said the thing that tragic mick (finally learned his name!) told niko before she died... im not gonna lie my first thought was that she Was niko like somehow after dying she ended up in the afterlife outside of time or whatever. i don't think that's true i think it's just the theme of the show and that's why they said it twice but. for a minute i was like HELLO???

but the very ending scene!!! niko and the sprites? i think? idk im really bad with faces and recognize people through their hair so. did not help that they were dressed sensibly for the weather and their hair wasn't showing haha. BUT STILL. was that her afterlife? why are the sprites there?? what does that scene Mean is there still a chance for her to meet the group again??? please i need answers you can't just leave me hanging about my girl!!!!!! 😭😭

god this whole show has been amazing i'm so glad i watched it... thank you noble for introducing me to dead boy detectives!! i have had such a good time, it's been an emotional rollercoaster and i'm so sad it's over. i'm off to the tumblr search to reblog whatever i find and then it's to ao3 for me, with noble's profile as a starting point and then i'll scour the tags haha. thank you guys for coming along with me on this lovely experience! i'm doing a little wrap-up summary below to end things off

FAVORITE MAIN CHARACTER: god this is so difficult.... it's gotta be niko or charles, but know that i say this with the other two very close behind. they're all fantastic, it's rare that even when i imprint on a character (in this case charles) the others are all so good that it's still hard to pick a clear favorite, with niko even rivalling that imprint

FAVORITE RECURRING SIDE CHARACTER: jenny it's gotta be jenny!! i love her scenes i love her personality she's so fun i love how no-nonsense she is only to consistently be dragged into the Most Nonsense. she's a delight i love her and her proficiency with knives

FAVORITE ONE-OFF CHARACTER: kashi!!! fish guy!! he is such a goddamn delight he is the first character whose name i learned On Purpose instead of through the natural course of the show. i love him he showed up for one episode, performed his role magnificently, and swanned off to implied further fascinating adventures. love that guy

FAVORITE EPISODE: okay surprising no one ever, probably episode seven? i love what it does with the characters, i love the scene of edwin and charles meeting (well worth the wait!), i love all of it

SECOND FAVORITE EPISODE: okay this one has gotta be episode four or the jock one. five maybe? idk im torn between those two bc of the excellent charles characterization and development we get, and i've mentioned before what a soft spot i have both for the scene where he first breaks down and the scene where he and edwin hug. i love them both i cannot choose!!!

FAVORITE LOCATION: this has gotta be the dead boy detective office or maybe the inside of the fish. idk they're very different locations but they both serve their purpose very well and have a lot to offer!! oh wait shit actually i take it back the inside of crystal's mind with the tree. that's absolutely gorgeous and i love it so much

LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER: daniel. the demon ex sorry i choose not to remember his name <3 he is daniel To Me. anyway they just did a really good job of making him a shitty asshole who also happens to be a powerful demon

FINAL OPINION ON THE CAT KING: uh. i mean i still don't respect him but he's a very fun character and i do enjoy his vibe. i actually liked him a lot better when he wasn't essentially holding edwin prisoner (imagine that!) so i think the coercive nature of that original dynamic is what really threw me off. i found myself enjoying his character a lot more with the bracelet off and them interacting on even footing!

and finally, i couldn't possibly choose so here

LIST OF FAVORITE SCENES

- charles dying and meeting edwin

- charles having a breakdown at the night nurse

- every kashi scene

- crystal speaking to lilith and when she appeared to claim esther

- simon seeing the blue light and possibly leaving hell

- pretty much all of niko and edwin's one on one talks

- the conversation between niko and crystal when they first opened up to each other

- edwin telling the cat king the binding bracelet is all he is and leaving to save his friends

- charles hugging edwin after edwin comforts him

- esther killing the cat king

- charles getting stuck in the loop of the devlin murders

- niko going out into the storm to save her friends

- niko's reading comprehension skills <3

AND MANY MORE that i am forgetting but here you go ^^ goddamn this show is good. hit me like a trainwreck though i need a fucking nap

[6mayhem]

top ten men??

okay.....this is a long personal post BE PREPARED!!! to find me cringe after this

in no particular order and most are also gonna be fictional LOLOLOLOLOL starting with the real people tho

gerard way...what can i say..... just 10/10 who I'm trying to be. All my problems would be solved if I could 100% embody him body mind and soul circa mid 2000s because spiritually that's who i was born to be. also the music is good very good. does he even count as a man anymore everyone's a transgender nowadays. anyway i don't actually know anything abt him apart from the stage persona and that's the way I'm trying to keep it bc everything i learn about celebrities I learn against my will

manuel germanletsplay. god i was so obsessed with him as a teenager. for the americans: he was of the biggest german gaming/minecraft youtubers and national heartthrob among teen girls. everyone shipped him with his friends including me THE FANFICSSSS..... he inspired a lot of transgenderism in me due to his twinky nature and his piano talent and long hair and the fact he never (to this day) showed his face. his persona was like a real life creepypasta character when it comes to sex appeal

isak valtersen skam..... skam is like my longest running hyperfixations i first watched it circa 2017 and have been rewatching at LEAST twice a year since then. idc that it's a teen show.......... he contributed greatly to my transgenderism. I love manipulative teen guys who are just the absolute fucking worst when you look at it objectively. he was such a male manipulator the whole s1 arc rlly made him out to be such a mastermind supervillain it was so silly. and then he got rlly pathetic in s3 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ anyway awesome outfits also..And anger issues

mickey milkovich shameless.... don't feel like I need to explain. WHAT AN ARC !!! he's a terrible person but like somehow the most sympathetic character in the entire show. everything past s7 was such flanderization it made me mad as hell but before that waowwaow.....he deserved better. my meowmeow. would move mountains and literally kill people for the most average annoying guy ever (real mickey fans hate ian) (jk hes fine minus the last 2 seasons)

syd march antiviral. what a fucking freak. he's got everything. blood kink. appearance of a sickly victorian child. horrible daddy issues. bisexuality. a thinly veiled transgender subplot. he's just so slimy and greasy and you just wanna punch him the entire movie I love it. big fan. also a male manipulator..U never know how much of his weakness is real and how much is faked to gain people's trust. he's just like me when it comes to obsessing over random beautiful women!!

sven kretschmer from ich hasse liebeslieder. no one knows this book because it was posted in like 2015 on a german fanfiction website but it permanently changed my brain chemistry. wow. i love him so much. he's everything to me. eyeliner wearing bisexual emo with greasy black hair who canonically looks like gerard way and struggles with every mental issue under the sun. erectile dysfunction subplot. has an abusive father. my favorite band is only kj because that's HIS favorite band. you could trace back 90% of who I am as a person to sven. HE BECAME A TATTOO ARTIST ALSO THAT'S SO COOL!!! and he's the most loyal bastard ever just a kicked puppy kinda guy i love men who are really clingy in relationships. but at the same time he also has insane anger issues which I ALSO love in a man GRIN 😁 😁 😁 😁 😁 ^^^^ see above faves this is a whole archetype of guy for me

jack as you are.... See profile pic!! you already knowwwww!!!!! he's just like me fr. sheltered/seen as weak and sensitive and longing to be rebellious and do things to impress other men (in a homosexual way). maybe transgender? maybe killed his best friend/brother/lover!! again...greasy long hair YAYYY!!! the whole movie could be a forcemasc fantasy

mirco from this sorta obscure book called landeplatz der engel....his mother rejected him. the woman who took him in is a prostitute.... he says ableist slurs but is the least ableist person in the whole book...he wears a ring with a jewel in the shape of a boar head how cool is that?? and he stole a car. and does illegal car races. and ditched his girlfriend for his new male best friend. and he's secretly really traumatized but never wants to be a victim and gets mad when you imply his past affected him 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 idk I just love how he never pretends to be a better person than he is, but the opposite of it. He never gives himself credit for how kind he is

will graham... What a fucking freak(2). proves that your life isn't over at 30 you can still find the love of your life and do really weird shit because you decided that the only thing you care about is what a freaky european cannibal thinks of you.

adam saw....what can i say. he's awesome. he's transgender. he's funny. he's tragic. he's in love with a man twice his age while his brain can't decide if it should see him as a father figure or romantic interest. relatable to me personally

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

my oc neph bell because he's awesome and basically me

steve harrington and eddie munson from stranger things bc i still ship it (there's zero canon moments but idgaf about canon its stupid anyway) bc 1. Tragic blond failson with daddy issues and 2. eddie gave me aesthetic aspirations fuel for like a full year before i figured out who i wanna be. so yeah. I'm only a little bit ashamed of this

tyler durden fight club because yeah. and by extension the narrator bc the moments where he acted like a proper weird fucker were so funny and also meeeeeeee x3

nezumi no.6 you edgy fucker

mo folchart inkheart bc i always wanted him to be my father

kurt cobain

my other oc cesar liehmann bc he embodies everything i like re: blond men with anger issues who have to compensate for their average height by acting more confident than they are

free space for whoever i might be forgetting rn. I always have a LOT of thoughts about fictional men....

SHIN TSUKIMI FROM YTTD LOL I REMEMBER BEING CRAZY ABT HIM

max zerophilia... just completely embraces his sexuality and status as a Z. shamelessly in love with both luke and luca. HOT!!!! kind of bad at flirting but it works for him. AND HE'S ALSO HOT AS MICHELLE AND I'M BISEXUAL SO THAT'S THAT

[tallochar]

☕️ also, hopes/wishlist/expectations for the next DC cinematic universe, if that's something you think about at all?

I honestly tuned out of DC fairly soon, for the longest time I was more of a Marvel girly (until Marvel burned me out and now I go but I do not emotionally invest into it anymore), and I still have to see ... ugh, so many of their movies.

I went to see the first Aquaman in 4DX (back before my back pain made it so that 4DX is not a viable option for me, first world problems I know but it bums me out that I cannot go anymore without ending up in crippling pain) but that was because it had both Jason Momoa and Temuera Morrison and I am a long time fan of both (and also Jason Momoa going around mostly shirtless and wet? Always going to watch) though I actually skipped the second one because it happened in a moment in RL last year while I wasn't paying attentions to movies AT ALL and so I managed to miss that it was coming out.

I know I should watch if not all of the old movies at least the Flashpoint one (can't remember if it's the correct name or not but I know I will at some point because the unholy squeaking sounds I made when Michael Keaton showed up in the trailer, I can't even begin to tell you).

I have yet to watch anything with Affleck!Batman in it and I kinda want to see his take on the character, but I don't have the spoons in me. I have seen 1 Superman!Cavill movie and it didn't really make me want to watch more.

I have also seen Wonder Woman 1 and from what I remember it was pretty enjoyable as long as I did not engage my brain, but when I did it had some plot holes that bugged me and some stuff that did not fully jive with me but I could not open my mouth about anything less than absolutely blindingly loving it lest I be crucified for it because it was Directed By A Woman [or that was the impression fandom gave me at the time] so I just kept my mouth shut and peaced out.

I had a blast watching the most recent Harley Queen movie, but it's not a BOP movie and it's definitely an Elseworld movie kinda deal to me because that's the only way I could watch it without screaming vengeance over their treatment of Cassandra Cain or most other non-Harley characters involved. Otherwise I would just scream and hate and rage.

I have not watched Joker yet because it strikes me as the sort of movie I need to be in a specific sort of mood to watch or it might really fuck with me in a bad way so I don't know how I feel about Joker Folies Au Deux (or the fact that it seems, from the trailer, to be painting Joker as the one exploited and manipulated into things by Harley rather than the other way around) but like, it feels like A Serious Movie That Might Hurt Me Emotionally because Joaquin Phoenix and it being definitely an Elseworld movie and also I am no, generally speaking, a big Joker fan so -- *shrug and raise hands emoji*

I deeply enjoyed the more recent Suicide Squad right until they killed Rick Flag and then I gasped in pain and wanted to beat Peacemaker's face in (I know his series is good, according to people whose tastes I trust, but HE KILLED RICK FLAG, I am NOT watching it [yet], yes I can absolutely be petty like that) so I am tentatively trusting James Gunn.

I know it's considered more of an Elseworld sort of movie, but I did really love The Batman with Robert Pattinson and I am looking forward to see what they do with a sequel to that and how they move on from how the last movie ended (here's to hoping we don't get too big of a timeskip, I would really love if they picked it up from where it left off rather than jumping ahead).

I am not sure how I feel about the "current canon" Batman movie in the works going with Damian as the Robin in it, but I am being tentatively hopeful about it, because my brain (possibly stupidly but hey I am allowed to dream until I get jossed) keeps thinking it is actually a genius idea if instead of going from Dick forward you jumpstart things by having Damian there and possibly referencing the other former Robins as Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Spoiler / Batgirl, maybe throw in Black Bat too etc. and then you can just introduce them with their own movies without having to go through things chronologically.

It is very much NOT encouraging to me that it's based upon the Morrison storyline, though, because I am a Tim fan and Morrison did their best to excise him and treat him from non-existent to pretty much an outsider.

I don't know if that's Gunn's vision or if it's just my own take on doing things, but it could be cool? Maybe? Here's hoping.

I went and took a look at the list of upcoming movies (this one) because I wasn't keeping up with it and seeing The Authority on it makes me hope a tender hope that it will not completely fucking suck and that it might actually be interesting (please please please do them all justice, I am begging here).

I am flabbergasted Keanu Reeves agreed to come back as Constantine, but I liked the first movie (which I saw before I read any comics with constantine in it) so hey, maybe it will be another interesting movie again. I do like Keanu as an actor, though he is very much an Elseworld Constantine and has nothing to do with pre-Flashpoint canon Constantine, which is the one I know.

Seeing a Nightwing movie being talked about makes me think I might be right about the upcoming Batman movie introducing Damian but also having the other former Robins in the background and that would be honestly a relief.

I'd love to see a Lobo movie doing the Main Man right but god, that would be so tricky to pull off, especially in the current socio-political climate and with the cancellation culture and everything else going on that I've seen fandom wise.

Everything else I am seeing on that list either doesn't excite me or is not really a character I know so I'll take it with a grain of salt.

Sorry if this was more rambling about past projects than upcoming ones, I tried to balance things out and hope this answers your curiosity :D

Thank you for sending in the asks!

[wintersoldeer]

ok i wasn't going to make a post but i do have feelings about until dawn remake that didn't fit under the tags of one reblog

im 15 mins in someone's playtrough of the remake and im still not too impressed BUT ohh my god they changed my least favourite line ("wHeRe's mY SiSTer GoInG?") and i might just have to forgive them everything for that

other than that so far: the people look terrible (like the graphics look nice, but as people...... they don't look like themselves to me.... also. very dark – i cant see anything but that might just be the streamer's settings idk) the longer intro is sooo awkward without any new dialogue. might be the streamer mode with no music tho idk. but goddamn i don't agree with sam's new role in the prank or see why they changed note (i've always thought it was wild that hannah would just start by taking her shirt of, but now it's just.... why exactly does she??) and i miss the fixed camera but that might be just because im not playing im just watching sucks to be chris in the morning with all that on his face...... not the situation where you want to look like that

ok i'll keep watching and liveblog

it is so dark that if i hadn't seen this game being played about 39204932 times before, i wouldn't have any idea what's going on::'D i love the snow falling from the frees tho no subtlety with the fire here i see ::'D

they made the creepy scarecrow postcard look downright pleasant?? it's so darrrrk/there's so much contrast you can't even tell if dr hill's office has cool things on the background

ok i am very into the new intro

sam on the bus looks so good.... but something is off with josh's video?? the movement?? the face?? something???

still no clarification on whether josh wants to party like they are fucking porn stars or party like they're fucking porn stars

did they move this game from february to like april since the sun is still out in the beginning?? they also made the time earlier but im pretty sure that's still a couple of hours too late..... and i take my winter darkness very seriously (but like. the nice atmospheric dark of the original) it's very pretty tho

it feels very.... video game-y now. with the new graphics and especially with the moving camere.

interesting that jess is now mike's girlfriend instead of mike's new girlfriend, an em is now matt's girlfriend instead of mike's ex and same with mike and matt

oh noo the snow ball fight without music is horrible:::'D

oh nooo the sun is finally and very quickly setting i can't seeee anything

doctor hill has a swedish flag on his desk 😂😂

i am not a gamer. but. is the hunting around for a premonition on a totem.... fun? seems like a frustrating waste of time

ok i am an hour and twenty minutes in (chris wandering around the lodge) and i'm seriously considering on just giving up and watching another (third.. this week..) original game let's play instead. mainly because it's so damn dark that it's not pleasant to look at. the flashlight (or lighter or torch or whatever) is for pointing out glinting things, it's not supposed to be the only light source! one of the things that keeps drawing me back to this game year after year is how pretty and atmospheric it is, and the remake... is not delivering.

but at least they don't leave the window upstairs open anymore! that has been bothering me for years

ok i cant do this i give up!! i'd like to continue bc the streamer seems cool, but iii cannot see anything. i'll skip through some random scenes and mourn what could've been and maybe watch another let's play of the original... there might be one or two on the internet that i haven't yet seen

like look at this!! who is that?? where is he??? i wouldn't know

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Gremlin update supplemental September 12th 2024

It's September and it was getting really cool at night so I was under the impression I could take my air conditioner out for the year...

Wrong.

It's over 30 degrees in here and I was already sweating because of the pain I am in.

Had to put the stupid thing back in with every joint in my hands and wrists swollen to all fuck.

I got a call from my landlord today because they somehow already misplaced my registration e-mail and were trying to let me know that if they needed entry in an emergency or otherwise, they're only willing to e-mail me about it for warning, even being told I don't check my email even daily, let alone often enough for an emergency.

Really hoping this isn't step one of them pulling some bullshit.

Still trying to watch through all the old x-men cartoons and movies at once while recovering from full body gout and the dermatomayositis.

Mostly, I wake up with slightly sore knees and wrists and hands that are swollen to all fuck. I do not know what my hands think they are doing, but my left wrist was so swollen this morning I kept getting pins and needles in my fingers.

The blister on the back of my finger is an inflated blister again. It seems to fluctuate with hydration levels, but it isn't bothering me.

I am eager to get back to doing some serious cleaning and organizing again. At least I have been doing laundry to get that all caught up with the machine, but from the moment I was like "okay this step is done and it looks presentable so I can chill for a bit now" I have been horribly sick with autoimmune attack and gout and that doesn't feel very fucking much like taking a break... And yet... And yet I am chomping at the bit to be able to just do something fucking useful with my body because it has been uncooperative for so long.

At least i don't have to do laundry in the sink anymore.

I shrank the list of "life improvement purchases" down to 1 batch under 500, and a secondary batch for good storage options I haven't gotten yet, but probably will once I downsize more [also under 500]. The rest I may never get -at least not living here- because there isn't room between the cabinets for most counter top dishwashers, and other things like that. So, really under one month's rent to fix every problem I have that can be fixed by throwing money at it, including all my pants being threadbare and beyond any reasonable repair. Without dipping into savings for that or my winter groceries.

And yeah, I was getting a kick out of repairing the same 3-4 pairs of fast fashion pants for over 10 years and simply refusing to ever buy more... But they were getting threadbare enough that too much flexing any muscle or moving around would tear them back open along new lines, and yes, if my hands were working I could keep repairing them and I could keep wearing stretch leggings under them so my ass doesn't show, but at some point you are just walking around in full werewolf aesthetic because it is obvious you have ripped out of your clothes like 20+ times and it just starts to become absurd not to buy new clothes.

I got to buy men's jeans this time. No they are not cut to fit my body but I can sew. I mean I am still going to do some elaborate patching of the other 4 pairs of pants, but at this point those other pants pretty much ARE the patches for the next set I ruin.

I was doing so good last time until i had to lift my cart into the house. I still plan on making a ramp but that's going to take time.

I am so fucking tired and my nerves are raw from being in screaming pain all over my body for about a month on end now... But I have been enjoying many fried proteins and home-cut fries.

I'm recovering, really, just not nearly as fast as I used to and it makes me cranky and I am sorry. I promise I am still fun and chill T~T

[thatbitchsimone]

Do you have any advise on how deal with negative and hateful people? My mother is incredibly hateful and she makes me sad alot, for context, I’m not obese but technically I am above average weight for 5’7, weight wise I look like the Australian model, iskra Lawrence, but I do try to loose weight, she recently, made a gesture of large hands saying my waist is huge and I’m so big now, my maid told me this, they don’t like her either , because of alot of stuff that is just very sad.

When I try to defend myself, she gets so angry that my hands start to shake, at one point in my life, I didn’t get out of my room for 6 whole months.

I just don’t know how to be happy or even not happy just not be so sad anymore, is there any way to not feel effected by someone like her?

first of all, if ur body looks like iskra lawrences, u have a very good body like thats a hot body. also like u said, ur not obese, just a little overweight so its not like ur health is in any real danger + ur kinda tall and i think tall womens bodies tend to be able to carry a little extra weight well (and im talking from a pure health perspective here, like i feel like a tall frame can handle a bit more weight better in general both looks wise and health wise but ur health is the important part imo) so like.. i think ur fine but if u wanna lose a little weight thats up to u, but u should only lose weight FOR URSELF not to please someone else like u shouldnt be bullied into changing ur body in any way.

second of all, ur mom is fucking awful. im sorry i know its ur mother and u probably have a lot of love for her despite everything but the way she treats u and makes u feel is not ok and straight up harmful maybe even actually abusive. i get the impression that ur mom treats the ppl around her awfully in general since ur clearly not the only one who has an issue with her so id like u to stay mindful of the fact that she is the problem here not u. its very hard to not let negativity and hate get to u when u literally live with it and i sincerely hope ur planning on moving away from her as soon as ur able to. u honestly need to avoid her as much as possible in the meantime which ofc is hard when u live together but try to engage with her as little as possible. ur maid seems like she cares for u so at least u have an ally in her so ur not all alone and maybe she is someone u can talk to and find comfort in. idk what else to tell u bc mother daughter dynamics like these are so complicated and hard to navigate especially when ur stuck under the same roof and idk what the situation is with ur dad or if he is in the picture etc so idk if i can give u any more advice than this

[television-pil0t]

The most serious I’ve ever been with myself.

I remember as a kid I would stay up at night crying. I would cry for hours. Seriously! Hours watching Dan and Phil. Reading fanfic about gamzee x reader. I’d cry because I do deeply craved someone to talk to me like that. Someone to look at me like Dan and Phil look at each other. I was stuck in my house 24/7. Talking to people online to fill the void of nothingness. Nobody lived near me. I was to scared to talk in school. When I did I was instantly sexualized. I hated how I was seen. I would go home and curl up in my bed under the covers and just.. read. “He held you close, holding you in his arms, rubbing your shoulders softly as his big soft hands held your head in his chest. For just a split second you felt safe. As if you never felt fear before. Your childlike naivety came back. You were ok here. You were safe here.” I so deeply needed that. I needed a fucking hug. I needed someone to love me so I looked everywhere for it. Sexualized myself because I knew that’s all I was see as. I mean shit I would get groped in the damn hallways of 8th fucking grade. I knew. I wasn’t dumb. I had everyone looking at me. Years go by. Same shit. I found x reader audios and would cry to hawks holding me at night. I promised myself “this is what I’ll do for someone else” I would be someone’s comfort audio. No matter what.

I never got my own irl comfort audio. I’m scared to speak and still I never talk about what’s on my mind. I put it here. Just hope to god nobody I know finds it. I never got to feel safe. I still want to be held and whispered to. I wanna be babied. I wanna be carried and told what to do next. I know im bad at making decisions for myself. The smallest acts of kindness impress me and so I can never move on. Im scared it will go away. Im scared to be alone. Im scared of being that unloved again. I don’t have much intimacy now but.. at least it’s a little. If I squint my eyes I can stop the tears when I feel unwanted and I can hold my breath when I wanna ask for more. I know I just wanna be loved more. When my bf is in his little 3 day moods to kiss on me and tell me how much he loves me randomly. Randomly asks me for things. I feel my heart ache. I know that’s all I want. I feel like he knows it too because he’s fully capable of doing it. It hurts. I’m hurt. I wanna be loved. Yet I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like I’m not even yet the same breath I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t love me. I’m amazing. I know how I wanna be treated and so I do that.

I would lay there late at night and hold my breath to make myself pass out so I could finally sleep. I was lonely. All alone. Now I’m just lonely. Some days are better than others but.. only when people FEEL like giving me the love and attention. I need constancy. Im scared I’ll never be able to trust anyone when they say they love me anymore. Im scared I’ll be venting on here forever because I have nobody to vent to irl. I don’t wanna be judged. I don’t want “Why am I not good enough” I wanna he heard and understood. I want someone to hear me out. I know how to loved I don’t know how to keep it.

I want to be constantly loved. Not “I wanna fuck you” I don’t care if you want my body. Tell me what you like about me. I don’t understand myself. I don’t see how anyone likes me. I’m sad.

I want to know. I hate crying myself to sleep but I should be used to it. My heart is restless. “Heal your inner child” god I’m trying I just need someone else to help me. Constantly help me. I can’t keep song on and off shit. I can’t do it. I can’t live like.. this. not just this post. All of this. Every day is scary. Even when I am being loved because I’m so scared it will be taken away form me without explanation. I can’t keep going like this.

I need someone. I need someone so bad it hurts. I need someone more than I ever have.

[euphor1a]

Camelia, aloe vera and papyrus for the ask gameee???? I really wanna knowww

Hihi sweets! Thank you for sending in 💗; i appreciate it so much! 🥺

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

whoa this is gonna get heavy, so i’m warning everyone reading this beforehand. things have changed for sure, i’d say... but it’s hard to point it out exactly. my younger self went through a whole different spectrum of human experiences. things were... nice(?) when i was a literal child, but it got gradually worse, worse and worse to the point where i moved out at the age of 17 and started living in a dorm in a different town. younger me was incredibly strong willed, hardworking and hopeful. i still find it super crazy how i got through everything i did and that i’m still here, surviving. younger me had so many big dreams and was motivated to follow through. i was also a bit naive, and i struggled a lot with determining characters, so i ended up getting even more hurt trying to maintain friendships with the wrong people and such. it’s not the same anymore with these things... my mental health has been a constant issue since mid-2019 (although, i must say that i’m doing a LOT better now — people who’ve been here for a while would know), and the world just kinda turned black & white... i think a lot of young adults feel the same though. i’m also super cautious about making connections with people now, which has been... idk, both good and bad? like sure, i’m a pretty lonely being, but at least i’m not hurting for people who don’t deserve me! also, it all just crashed down with the pandemic, y’know? it’s hard to say how much i’ve exactly changed, because i was brought up in a situation where i was forced to mature very early. and to be uncomfortably honest, i might seem a bit childish when i get comfortable around someone. guess i had suppressed my inner child too much with everything going on, and whenever a comforting/reliable presence comes along, it resurfaces 😅. anyway, i’m still very very proud of the younger aleyna. i wish i could hug her and tell her how amazing she is, how thankful i am for everything she did that led to me being here (in a relatively stable position) now, how the lessons she learnt through hardships made it easier for me to navigate through this complicated world... the list is endless. i just hope that a few years from now on, i can look back to this self (my late teenage years and early twenties) and feel just as proud for doing whatever i am doing right now ☺️

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

answered here ♡ !

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

the song which came up this time is “to you” by seventeen. i, genuinely am, in love with this song. have been that way since it was released in 2021. see, i got into kpop back in 2019 through bts and twice (good times)! and it took me a lot of time to actually branch out from that starting point — txt playing a big role in it because i was obsessed with run away when it came out (still my fav title track by them). i came to know about seventeen on 2020 when left & right came out, and i loved it! but i didn’t exactly go straight to “stanning”, i just added them on spotify and just vibed along whenever it came up. after that it’s mostly a blur with svt for several reasons. until attacca came out on late 2021, i saw the rock with you mv, and was like: HOLD THE FUCK UP I NEED TO GET INTO THIS SHIT IMMEDIATELY?! i remember doing everything i possibly could (following their socials and stuff, adding all their albums to my spotify library, etc.)... believe me or not, it took me almost 7 months to catch up with all the content i wanted to check out. and well, the rest, i’m sure you can see/guess. about “to you” specifically though, my first impression was — “is it legal for a song to be this good?! did they put drugs in it or something 😭?” and it’s still the same. “to you” is a work of art, one that made me feel emotions i thought i’m not capable/eligible of feeling. i love attacca the mini album so much, from the top to bottom. what a gem!

— random get to know me asks 💌

[flipwizardstarlight]

Danny prides himself on being the one Barista at the WE Starbucks that doesn't get weird about high level personel. That isn't to say all the others are /super/ weird, they just... are intimidated by the people who could literally ruin their lives at the drop of a hat.

Danny is just built different. You kinda have to be when you face off against the tyrant king of the dimension that holds all dimensions together /and win/ at age 15. Not to mention the whole "on the run from the government and your parents after several weeks of torture that is still technically legal" thing.

All this to say, Danny has very, very few fucks to give to the people who run the company that his lowly Starbucks job is placed in.

This does have the unfortunate side effect of making his managers unhappy with him when he doesn't show the 'correct' amount of respect to the people who come and go. He is on thin ice after the last time he stared down a WE Board member until they stopped yelling at him. It doesn't matter that Ms. Fox, the PA for the CEO, likes him and stood up for him during the incident last time, he is supposed to be on his best behavior.

This particular, red-faced, spitting mad customer is not one Danny recognizes. There are a combination of factors that lead to Danny's quote-unquote breakdown on this customer and Danny takes a half a second while he waits stonefaced for a break in the man's rant to list them.

Danny wasn't able to sleep last night. The combination of insomnia, ADHD, and PTSD made it literally impossible.

Danny has weathered four of these people already and has only been here for an hour.

Tam, the PA for the CEO that likes him, told him two days ago that she is moving jobs so he won't see her nearly as often anymore. Danny considers Tam a pretty good friend. They even text each other memes now!

Every one of the angry people so far have been interview candidates for Tam's job including the man in front of him.

Danny is just. So fucking tired. He does not have the patience for this.

The man finally stops for a breath and Danny takes that as his que. "So what I am hearing is that you want me, literally the lowest person on the Starbucks corporate ladder, to personally loose my job because we don't carry the specific brand of soy milk that you prefer?"

The man opens his mouth to say something and Danny holds a hand up to stop him. One if his coworkers snorts quietly and the other mutters, "Danny just snapped," so quietly that Danny is absolutely sure no one was suppossed to hear it.

Time to put his hard earned psychological evaluation skills to use. He has never been more glad for Jazz's special interest in psychology then now. He is loosing his job after this for sure, so he is gonna make it count.

"No, I think it is your turn to listen. You, Sir, aren't actually mad about any of this. You are, at most, a little annoyed by the change in product but ultimately give less of a fuck about that I do about your quite frankly /childish/ temper tantrum."

Danny refuses to acknowledge that the pair of people walking through the door are Tam and Mr.Drake-Wayne. He knows that Tam will enjoy the show, at least, and maybe if he makes a good enough impression he can get Mr. Drake-Wayne's phone number to ask him on a date. Tim is fucking pretty, sue him. Danny keeps his eyes firmly locked on the man in front of him.

"No you are mad because you were dismissed from your interview for PA to the CEO 20 minutes early because you think you could do the job of CEO better then the young Mr. Drake-Wayne and acted like it. You think your 'real diploma', bachelor's in Business Management, and generational wealth make you inherently better then people like Mr. Drake-Wayne and I who dropped out of high school and haven't publicly persued any higher education. You think that people like him should be here in my shoes where you don't have to pretend to think of them as actual humans deserving of basic courtesy and respect, so when he called you out on your frankly archaic biases and dismissed you from being eligible for the position ten minutes into your allotted time with him-which you were already insulted by because the meeting was based on /his/ schedule instead of yours-it made you uncomfortable. You don't like that someone so young and seemingly uneducated is better then you because it doesn't fit your narrow little world view where the only people worth calling people are the ones who grew up with silver spoons in their mouths."

Danny is pretty sure Tam is holding back from cheering him on. He swallows the grin that threatens to appear because of it and finally takes his eyes off of the asshole only to pretend to inspect his nails, letting boredome suffuse the air around him as he keeps going.

"You can't just say that to him though, because reguardless of how bitter and jealous you are that he is in that spot instead if you, you recognize that he has all the power in that situation and you just have to deal with it. But you don't like feeling small and wrong and out of control, so you decided that you would do what always makes you feel better when someone you consider lesser comes out on top of you; you found the nearest little guy that you could scream at without consequences and proceeded to throw the exact kind of temper tantrum you can't throw in front of Mr. Drake-Wayne."

Is that a hint of awe in Tim's eyes? Danny fights another grin down when Tam looks at Tim and a menacing kind of glee makes its way into her expression.

"Unluckly for you, I don't need a high school diploma or college degree to be able to tell that all this screaming is a result of a superiority complex used to mask the fact that you know, in the back of your head, deep down in the bottom of your heart, how insignificant you are. You have to pretend those things like age and official education and wealth make you better then you are because otherwise you would have to face the reality of your own abilities. If those things don't matter, then you are mediocre at best. And if you are mediocre, then what makes you different from the people you consider below you?"

The cafe is silent as Danny finally looks back up at the man and grins. "It's okay though, you can keep yelling at me if you want. Sometimes our feelings are just too big to fit inside our bodies and we need to let them out, but we don't always have the tools to do that in a healthy way. Maybe after you feel better, you can look into some better coping skills then taking your misplaced agression out on innocent baristas."

-

Tim may or may not have just fallen in love.

"Tam I want him to be my PA," he turns to Tam, whose face promises merciless teasing.

Tam just laughs at him.

DC x DP: The assistant

Tim Drake gets a new personal assistant. It's not that he wants a new one, but Tam is taking on a different position since her knowing his secret isn't enough to stop her from spreading her wings.

So Tim opened her old position and screened through applications. He gets frustrated by everyone who applies because they are all older and think they know better. Yes, he plays his part, but being talked down to despite being CEO for years is frustrating.

He takes a break for some coffee between interviews and happens upon one of the people he interviewed being extremely rude to an employee.

The employee is laughing at him for throwing a fit over there, not being almond milk, and not even trying to entertain his adult tantrum. Tim watches the boy lose his job for being disrespectful to essential customers and falls a little bit in love.

He follows the boy outside, offering him a job before he can think with his head and not his hormones and the ex- birista accepts.

Danny Fenton starts the following day, shocked to find himself with an excellent-paying job. He honestly thought the weird sleep-deprived guy who offered him a job was a drug dealer or confused Danny for a male escort so this was a pleasant surprise.

[endofapaige]

Welcome to 2024

Happy Not-So-New-Anymore Year! How have you been? How was your Christmas? I’d caught that viral thing that’s been going around right on top of mine, so it was as good as it could be with no voice, running on no sleep, and throwing up. I am hoping to leave the illness in 2023, it did leave me on New Year’s Day which I am hoping is a good omen. That was one of my resolutions this year: get ill less. I am very prone to every cold and sick bug that crosses my path, but it was 2023 where I think I had something at least once a month, which is a lot compared to my usual summer cold and winter cold. Of course, with this, comes every other cliché resolution; eat better, exercise, arguably go outside less because I am sure it’s public transport that is ruining my immune system, but I think I’ll be ignoring that one.

I have high hopes for 2024. I think I said the same thing about 2023 but really, that year was good. This year I want to focus more on myself. I have been eating more fruit, my chocolate consumption has been minimal which is very impressive actually. The exercise is pending, but little steps, and I really need to learn to give less shits.

I’m a very sensitive person, I always have been. I cry at a lot, I care very deeply, and a lot of times that fucks me over. I have lost contact with a lot of friends in 2023, although I have gained some good ones in the people I work with. I am still unsure whether this losing friends thing is because of me or because of them. It is obviously so easy to be biased in that respect, to believe the issue lies with them. It sucks, losing these friends I did think I’d have forever. I’m not particularly good at keeping friends as it is, the reason for this I am unsure of, but I didn’t think I would be sat staring at my blank home screen on my 20th birthday waiting for wishes to my twenties from my friends that didn’t come. That struck something in me I think, if these people I have known for years cannot remember my birthday, or simply cannot be bothered to message me to wish me happy on that day, what is the point in trying in return? I have always been in the mindset of why should I be the one to make all the effort? And maybe, yes in a couple of cases there was mutual effort, but being left on read mid conversation for a month and a half or too many seven text exchange conversations where it feels more like a formality than a friendship before three months goes by and you have heard nothing, you start to wonder why you are even bothering.

This is what I mean, I want to focus on me this year. Protect myself from this endless loop of platonic heartbreak I have been spinning in my entire life. I have crammed seeing who I can into this last week of the Christmas holidays, and it has been so so nice. It’s the first time in a long while where I haven’t felt like I am completely alone outside of my relationship. Granted, as my University starts up again for semester two, they too move back to their respective cities, their schedules never matching mine, and I am sure the feeling will start to creep back in again.

University is going well this time around. I’m actually excited about education again. I have passed my first set of deadlines, having to cram the last two because I was out of commission with the flu for two weeks, but I have completed them and for that I am proud of myself. I am quite excited for what the rest of the year has to offer. While my timetable is extremely inconvenient, the content sound far more fascinating than my first term. I am still writing for the student newspaper Redbrick, though I have fallen off over Christmas with so much to do in terms of assignments. I am Culture Editor for the same paper, I have been nominated as Best Journalist for the TV section for the SPA Awards. I am hoping to step into TV Editor in second year, or Digital Editor, which of these I have not yet decided.

I am slowly starting to figure out what I want from life. Those big unrealistic dreams are shifting into something achievable. I’ll be honest I still have very little clue what I want to do as a career. I don’t think I want this to be writing, because while I am doing it far more than I did this time last year, I still have a love-hate relationship with the art. I have moved on from fiction entirely, that is not my bag. I am coming to terms with my strengths and finding ways I can use these in careers in the media. Where I have landed as of now, though this will change in a month or two probably, is becoming a project manager in a marketing firm that specialises in film and tv advertising. I think my interests and the way I am would combine well for that. How I get there? I have no idea.

My birthday was amazing. It was a very expensive weekend, but it was the perfect way to welcome in my twenties. Three nights in London, a fuck ton crammed in. I am meant to be writing a piece on this for Redbrick, but I am not sure the relevance of it now. I will give you an overview regardless. The Friday we arrived, we navigated the underground and dropped our belongings at the Premier Inn we were staying in. The London Hamstead if you wanted to know, we loved it, not too loud and not all too far from everything we wanted to do. We didn’t mind the travel between though, I do think the underground is one of the most impressive inventions. We then made our way to South Kensington where we did the Natural History Museum and the Science Museum. In short, we saw a shit ton of rocks and then got kicked out before we could do any of the cool activities in the Science Museum because it was closing. We went to Big Easy in Soho for dinner that night, we had booked a table prior, and yet we still sat waiting for over an hour. The food wasn’t that great, but I tried lobster for the first time. Overall, not a place I’d recommend even though the restaurant itself was very aesthetic. By aesthetic I mean dark and grungy, but to me, that is perfect.

The Saturday was my birthday, we started the day with a coffee and a slice of cake in Tower Hill Starbucks, and then made our way into the Tower of London. It was an extraordinarily long morning, but I loved it. We then moved along to our meal of the day at El Pirata of Mayfair. Tapas has become a recent love of mine, but this was amazing. We ended the night at the Cambridge Theatre watching Matilda: The Musical, which must be the best musical I have watched so far.

The Sunday started rocky. We were supposed to go to Italian Bear Chocolate. It was tipping it down and we ended up at the wrong branch, and by the time we had made it to the right place we were late. Usually this wouldn’t bother me so much, however as we stood in the queue, we watched the woman in front of us being lectured rudely about being late and her losing her table five minutes after the allocated slot. She got in with a death stare and a huff but by that point I was angry and stressed and I wanted to be anywhere else but there. So, I cried, and we walked, and we ended up at the Hard Rock Café, arguably the better choice. I’ve decided this year I’d quite like to tour the UK branches and collect the glasses, we already have a trip to Manchester pending to be booked in March. The food was incredible, and the atmosphere was even better. After that, we headed to Hyde Park for Winter Wonderland. It was beautiful, everything I wanted it to be. We did the wheel, we visited the Magical Ice Kingdom, we saw the circus. We were there for three hours longer than we needed to be because I had spread out the activities exponentially, but I still adored it. And we had a hot chocolate that I truly believed would have beaten Italian Bear anyway. The only downside was, we weren’t hungry enough to try any of the food up for offer.

The Monday was our final day, we went to Burger and Beyond for lunch, which was amazing, and then we did very little. We were knackered and we knew it was home time, so we just wanted to be home. I’d found it very weird spending my birthday without my parents and I hadn’t had any presents, so I was itching to get back for that. So, we got our stuff and headed to London Euston, where every train got cancelled for at least two hours so we were left stood staring at the board with our feet feeling like they were about to fall off.

I want to do more things this year. It’s those things that make my life interesting. However, money is tight, and I cannot jet off to Mykonos like I want. I do have a few concerts booked in, and a couple more musicals. I have already been to an Arctic Monkeys tribute in January which was a weird and wonderful experience as we stood next to the band themselves, talking on and off before they went on stage. I’m hoping I can fill the void of no abroad holiday with weekends exploring new cities, but I think I’ll miss the sun.

At the base of it all, life really is going very well, if I can iron out a few little creases. I’m getting new tattoos this year, I’m going on holiday with Jack’s family for the first time, I’ll be turning 21 for God’s sake (maybe that’ll bring an abroad holiday, though I doubt the sun will be as I want it in December). I am awfully happy with the way things are turning out in retrospect. I just need to work on myself. I wish the same happiness for all of you as the Earth circles the Sun yet again.

As 2024 rolls in and everything is looking good, I am just so fucking glad I have gotten my mojo back.

[chimeraan]

I have a feeling that what's actually going to kill or at least maim AI art is the combination of the following:

Exceptionalism Ceiling

AI art has already reached the ceiling of all the tech bros hopes and fears. Not in detail or prompt compatibility, I'm sure it'll still get better, but in how impressive that is. It's been what a year? We've seen all the images go from blobs to fully fleshed art pieces and photorealistic shots of fauna in that time and yeah seeing it feels like witnessing an impressive magic trick, it can feel like a betrayal, it can inspire awe or fear, sometimes all of these.

That's happened now though, we've gone through that and we're starting to get over it. Whenever I see how well an ai image emulates something now I am no longer frightened or in awe, it just slides right off my mind. Add to that that so much of AI art is incredibly vague and non-specific that it doesn't even feel like a betrayal when you find out anymore. It feels like "Oh I should have known". It's already reached the ceiling of which people can be surprised or impressed by its production, even as these tools continue to become more detailed or whatever, we're probably just not going to be that shocked or impressed anymore.

Boredom

AI art isn't really entertaining or impressive to anyone who isn't making it. It's all too vague and non-specific for most people and once you get passed the "Woah this AI?!?" and "We're so fucked bro xD" moments all that's left is an vague and docile image. Actual artists who do real art have trouble getting anyone to care about their work because people are just not easy to captivate. Once the novelty of ai wears off for people, that will just leave the dudes who make the art left.

The people making it though aren't interested in art. They're impressed by the technology, excited about interacting with the "future". Maybe they want to con people, or maybe they want to pretend to be artists for as long as that's entertaining. None of that actually has staying power though, these people are going to get bored once they see how easy it is to churn out the umpteenth image that looks so cool in their mind's eye but can only be emulated in piecemeal in the ai tool. It'll be an exciting, then tedious, then frustrating process for them to make images that look "good" but never look the exact way they want them to and the majority will give up eventually.

AI artists are going to be a continuous cycle of middle class kids and adults who have never been able to stick to any hobby for more than a couple of weeks. They'll try it out, flood the Internet with shit they've made and move on once the tool has lost its luster.

It's actually kind of tragic in a way I guess and they'll probably be exceptions (as well as the list of con artists) but its incredibly difficult to envision anyone who would dedicate all of their time to AI art that wouldn't just pick up a pencil and paper instead.

The Future

AI art is going to continue to be in our lives unfortunately. However, people are already figuring out novel ways of avoiding it by just searching Google for before 2023 or blocking certain sites. As time goes on we'll just keep finding more ways to avoid it.

AI art will be an object that we will all be constantly aware of, one with enough gravity to pull in and shape the Internet around it but not strong enough that you can't pull away from it. It'll make the Internet worse sure but it'll be like the advertising and crypto currency. Just another persistent ringing that you'll have to block out.

I do hope ai just dies instead but that's probably not happening and realistically it'll be a decline in enthusiasm slow enough to feel an age but fast enough that we'll be looking back at it before you know it.

[call-sign-shark]

What an incredible hide and seek chapter, full of suspense. You have given me the chills, my little Brummie. Right from the get go you’ve perfectly managed to describe the setting and instill a sensation of threat/ constant tension with Tommy. Especially in your description of Arthur and John always walking on eggshells with him because he has lost his mind — I can perfectly imagine Thomas Shelby terrorizing Birmingham for two months straight, turning and returning all of the city to find his wife. There a sentence I’m particularly fond of, and it’s “Thomas Shelby, the infamous Peaky Blinders boss, could not even find his wife.” I love the fact that; despite his obsession for Y/N, part of his hellish anger is due to him getting wounded in his reputation. Even if it’s a Dark!AU, it still feels true to the character and it’s impressive. I swear the little family talk behind his back was very effective at adding a layer of anxiety toTommy’s apparition.

The whole search is written like a delightful thriller — I felt caught in the story as the Shelby brothers looked for poor Y/N. The idea of her selling her wedding bracelet is brilliant! The way you’ve described Tommy’s anger building within, almost suffocating him, as he understands Y/N dared to sell her wedding gift was gripping. At this point I could not help but fear their next meeting. Now I know it’s a Tommy work but I cannot obliterate my baby Arthur and little John. I love the way they tormented the poor jewel seller but what made me laugh was their banter when Tommy was waiting at the counter. John trying a ugly hat and Arthur laughing at hop before slapping his head was hilarious. This is so sad how baby Arthur tries hard to make Tommy smiles or to calm him down. Hence when he puts his arms around his shoulders and lights his cigarette up. He’s starting to scare even his own brothers — I can’t help but wonder what will happen if Arthur and John learn the truth??? (Heaven would be like “told you but ok🙄”)

The part about Y/N living with the Rileys was a soft and well-deserved pause in this dark story. Even though it made her retrouvailles with Tommy even more dramatic — The scene of her cradling Mrs. Riley’s son is adorable. She would have been so happy if she’d have a peaceful and normal life with Tommy but no! Poor girl had to marry Mr. psycho! 😩 When John starts to really hesitate in following his brother and just sheepishly obey while wondering what is wrong with Tommy I was like “YESSSS JOHNNNN”!!! And I clasped in front of my screen lmao. Do shits are starting to get very problematic for Tommy?? Because the more time passes, the less he’s able to hide his crazy ass to his family. Seriously Brummie you’re torturing me, I need next chapter now or else I’ll die waiting 😩🤣

Tommy not giving a fuck about charity. 🙄 As if he wasn’t unsympathetic enough. At least he’s giving money but…

OH BLOODY HELL THE BAG!! He has seen he bag! I’m doing the cross sign and I don’t even believe in God. I literally stopped breathing when he opened the door and found her hidden, RUN MY LITTLR Y/N. If I’m being honest I’m sincerely caring for her, but I am fond of your portrayal of Thomas’ sadism in this last scene. The countdown he does, knowing she’s going to run away, is a brilliant addition to the already tensed atmosphere. It highlights how he’s having fun chasing her, and how the thrill of the hunt might be one of his favorite moment. The song “Run Rabbit Run” is literally my fave oldie of all times, so I could not help but smile from ear to ear at the mention. Besides, it goes so well with the whole scene!!

Now he’s found her and I am properly TERRIFIED. You’ve already mention how impatient it was at punishing her, and I am scared he’s really going to hurt her bad. Like — very bad 🥺 I hope Polly will do something before she ends up black and blue, because I’m not sure sex will distract him anymore judging by how serious her move was. Also kudos for the whole passage “Sometimes she was longing for his strong arms around her body, his way of cupping her face and looking in her eyes, when he told her he loved her…” this was heartbreaking, because despite everything she clings onto those temporary moments of relief and tenderness, which almost make her forget his madness.

Wonderful and thrilling new chapter, love! 🥹💚 I am so happy I’ve decided to read this Tommy work because I’m experiencing the best multi chapters ride ever along with Tachipen from our skilled and awesome @zablife. I can’t tell you how your prose managed to makes me travel in these very dark waters, and makes me forget everything around. You are a wonderfully skilled writer and scenarist. I can’t wait for next update really 😭💚

PREVIOUS PART

Killing Me Softly (PART SIX/ DARK!TOMMY)

Summary: It's been two months since your escape from Tommy's clutches. How long will you be able to stay hidden while your husband hunts you down?

Warnings: Language, angst, psychological mind games, controlling behaviour, toxic marriage, Dark!Tommy ( this is a dark fic, please read the warnings before continuing)

Writers note: Just to note, £250 in 1920s England is the equivalent to £9,183 in today's money, the price Tommy paid for your diamond encrusted bracelet . The song Tommy sings to Y/N is called "Run Rabbit Run" by Flanagan and Allen that was released in 1939, a song Tommy would have known.

Two months later...

Storming into the factory building, every worker turned around in a hurry to avoid the fury on their bosses face. They had learnt over the past two months that one wrong look could end with them getting shot, a lesson they learnt quickly when one of Tommy's many workers approached him to ask about a delivery due that day. Tommy's response, the end of his gun pointed to the young man's head. The workers only saving grace was when Arthur and John stepped in before he ended up six feet under with a bullet hole through his skull. The reason for his anger, you. For the past two months Tommy had torn Birmingham apart looking for you, every one of his henchmen as well as himself had been out searching for you night and day. Countless hours had been spent checking potential leads and yet, he still hadn't found you. The king of Birmingham, the notorious boss of the Peaky Blinders couldn't find his wife, the embarrassment only angered him more. Fury was consuming him, your brazen act of disloyalty and disobedience at the forefront of his mind every second of the day. Unable to sleep or eat, the only thing that kept him going was tobacco, whisky and the awaited pleasure he would feel unleashing his punishment on you, a punishment you would not escape for a second time. Slamming the door to his office shut, Tommy sat down in his leather chair, his fingers running through his hair as he looked down at the various notes left on his table. Sitting back he flicked through each one of the potential sightings, all of them quickly deemed useless as he tossed them into a nearby bin. Gazing down at his wedding ring, Tommy turned the gold band around his finger, clenching his jaw as he pushed down any anxiety that dared to make an appearance. A small inconvenience until he had found you, he thought to himself as he brushed his hand down his face. But was it? You had begun to stir up anxieties in him that he had pushed away for years since his return from war. The fear of having no control over what could happen started to slowly creep up on him again, the same fear he felt digging tunnels in France as the weight of the earth threatened to fall down on him. Swallowing back the memories, Tommy clenched his fist as his mind forced him to remember his time in France, and the only thing that kept him going, his childhood love. At first, it was a comforting memory he'd conjure up as the sound of gunfire echoed through No Man's Land behind him, but in his desperate attempt to block out reality it had become an unhealthy fixation. A once innocent young love became an obsession, an obsession he refused to let go of. Overtime the sound of gunfire and bombs exploding no longer scared him, instead it was replaced with the fear of never seeing you again, a fear that started to feel all too familiar. Straightening his posture out Tommy poured himself a glass of whisky in an attempt to rid himself of the uncomfortable feeling pressing against his chest.

" Why did she leave?" John's wife Esme asked her husband as she watched her brother-in-law through the glass window of his office, his head in his hands, his knee rapidly bouncing up and down as the stress coursed through his body. He was loosing control, and it was becoming evident to all those around him.

" The worry of her mother being sick. She's in a fragile place Esme. She couldn't handle it and left. Tom says she always does that, runs away from her problems when things get too difficult" he replied as Polly looked on, raising an eyebrow at Johns explanation.

" He looks like he's going to murder someone" Arthur said as he walked into the factory looking at Tommy now pacing back and forth in his office with another glass of whisky in his hand.

" He nearly did" Polly said, referring to the factory worker who almost got shot in the head for having the audacity to talk to him.

" He's still not found her then?" Arthur asked, leaning against a wall as he pulled out a silver flask of whisky. Clearly the soothing lull of the amber liquid was not too early for him either.

" Does it look like it?" John replied as he rolled the toothpick in his mouth between his lips.

" Fuck...we've looked everywhere, how far could she have got?" Arthur replied, taking a swig of liquor.

" Pretty far, when your scared" Polly spoke up, as she looked down at the newspaper in front of her.

"Heads up" Arthur said as he nodded to Tommy's office door, warning everyone of his younger brother's approaching presence.

"Arthur, John, we're leaving " Tommy said as he put his coat on, his eyes darting to his Aunt who was staring him down

"You gonna tell us where we going?" John asked as he hopped off one of the receptionists desks placing his peaked cap firmly on his head.

" Just had a phone call. She was seen down by the old Jewellery Quarters over a month ago" Tommy replied as he turned his head to his Aunt. "Problem?" he asked, annoyance in his voice as he cocked an eyebrow at his Aunt's insistent glare.

" Oh no Tommy, you go find your wife...that's if she wants to be found" Polly replied, turning away as Tommy cleared his throat in irritation at her remark. Had Polly finally figured everything out?

"Y/N there's a letter here for you, your Landlady said as she bounced her baby up and down on her hip.

"Thank you Mrs Riley " you replied as you smiled at the baby boy reaching out for you.

"Is it still ok for you to babysit tonight?" she asked as she wiped the dribble off her son's chin with the end of her apron.

" Of course, I don't mind at all. Plus, how could I say no to this little man" you replied as you took him from her, blowing small raspberries to his neck as he giggled in response.

" Ahh thank you. First time me and Mr Riley have gone out since this little one came along. You should really come one day, lots of single men will be there, they will be jumping at the chance to dance with you. We need to find you a husband!" she chuckled smiling to you, unaware that you were already married.

"Why would I need a man when I've got this little bundle to keep me company" you replied looking down at the baby in your arms, a small uneasiness washing over you at the thought of Tommy. " Oh god, it's that time already. I'm going to be late" you said looking down at your watch as you passed the baby back to his mother. Saying goodbye you walked out onto the farm you had been stopping at for the past two months. Having sold the bracelet Tommy had gifted you before your wedding, you had plenty of money to afford a more expensive place to stay, but you needed to keep low. You knew Tommy would be out searching for you, and with that in mind you responded to an advertisement in the local paper for a small lodgings at Riley Farm, the perfect place for anyone wanting to go unnoticed. A small bedsit attached to the side of the farm house in a little village you had never heard of, so inconspicuous that it was not even marked on a map. With everyone knowing the last name Shelby and Tommy knowing you might use your maiden name in replacement, you started using your mothers maiden name from the day you left Arrow House. Word spread fast about Tommy Shelby's anger. Even in the small village you was now living in a you heard talk of how the gang leader of the Peaky Blinder was tearing the city apart. No one knew exactly why the infamous Tommy Shelby's fury had rained down on the smog covered city, but there were rumours of his wife having run off with another man, a rumour you only imagined infuriated him even more. You knew your husband would never cease in his search for you and that you would eventually have to leave and find somewhere else to stay, but for now you enjoyed the peace and quiet the small village gave you, a peace you had forgotten existed. You had started working as a teaching assistant at the village school, a school that accommodated many orphaned children from the war, funded by rich benefactors. You enjoyed your job, the children's laughs and joyful spirits were a pleasant distraction to the memories you held inside of the previous months. But there were still times when Tommy would invade your thoughts and you would suddenly find yourself longing for him once again. Longing for his strong arms wrapped around you, his hands cupping your cheeks as he look down into your eyes, his voice telling you he loved you. Had he still a hold on you, even after everything that had happened ?

"Stop here Arthur" Tommy said as his older brother pulled up in front of a shop in Birmingham's city center.

" What the fuck we doing here, thought she was seen in a jewellery shop?" Arthur replied as he looked out his window at the small building. Giving no response Tommy opened the door as he reached into his pocket to light a cigarette. Looking up, Tommy squinted his eyes at the sign attached to the old stone brick wall, "Johnson & son Pawnbrokers". Breathing out a cloud of smoke he entered the small business, shutting the door behind him.

" Well I guess we bloody follow him then" Arthur said rolling his eyes as John shook his head laughing.

As the three brothers entered the shop, the owner immediately scurried back behind his till, instantly recognising each gang member, the shine from the blade on the front of their caps a stark reminder of their brutality if he dared to anger them.

" Please, I don't want trouble" he said as he put his trembling hands up in defence.

"What makes you think we're here to cause trouble?" Tommy asked as John and Arthur looked around at the various objects for sale.

" A young woman was seen coming in here a few months ago" Tommy said reaching into his suit jacket, pulling out an old picture of you that had clearly seen better days.

" We get lots of people coming in to sell things Mr Shelby" he replied nervously as he looked down at the picture. " I don't remember her, she could have come in when my son was working or maybe my wife, I'm not very good at remembering faces. I'll, I'll go get my wif.." he said only to be interrupted when Tommy pulled a gun to his head, tired of the conversation. The shop keepers eyes quickly darted to the back door next to him as he contemplated fleeing.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you" Tommy said as he clicked the safety off. " I have very little patience these days Mr Johnson".

" Tom, I think you might want to see this" Arthur said as he looked down into a glass cabinet. Narrowing his eyes Tommy lowered his gun, a small smirk playing on his lips as he looked at the trembling man in front of him. Walking over, Tommy's eyes widened at the small bracelet he had offered you before your wedding sitting in a glass cabinet on a red velvet stand. His stomach suddenly felt sick, his hands sweaty.

" Care to explain why the fuck you have my wife's bracelet in your possession?! " Tommy shouted as he marched back over to the shop owner, the gun now pressed firmly against the old man's temple.

" She...she must have come in and sold it, please don't shoot me" he said mumbling as he scrunched his eyes shut, the barrel of the gun cold against his skin.

" No? " Tommy grinned darkly as he twisted the end of the gun further into his flesh.

" P..please Mr Shelby"

" I wouldn't say anything more if I was you, he's two seconds away from pulling that trigger" John said as Arthur watched on.

" Yeh, and I can't be bothered to pull him off another innocent soul for a second time. Got elbowed in the bloody stomach last time " Arthur added as the two brothers looked at eachother smirking, enjoying the torment they were inflicting.

" Right give us the keys to open this thing " Arthur said slapping his hands together, pulling Tommy out of his trance. Dropping the gun from the shop keepers head Tommy scoffed as he watched him fumble to find his keys.

" So is it hers?" John asked as Tommy picked it up, turning it over to see both your initials and the date of your wedding engraved on the back. Brushing his hand down his face Tommy nodded as he enclosed the bracelet in his hand, placing it in his pocket.

" Did she erh..." Tommy said as he started to clear his throat, his mouth suddenly going dry "...did she leave any details, address, number?" He asked as he turned back to the shop keeper.

" I'll check right now for you me Shelby" the owner said hurrying back to his counter as he looked through various pieces of paper, desperately trying to find something as Tommy waited next to him, lighting another cigarette

" What do you think?" John laughed placing a straw hat with an array of different flowers stitched into the side of it on top of his peaked cap.

" Very pretty John boy, you should get it" Arthur said winking to his brother. "Ain't he pretty Tommy?" Arthur laughed trying to get his brother to lighten up.

" Beautiful" Tommy replied flatly as he looked back over to the shop owner, his fingers taping on the counter, his patience disappearing.

"Ah here! I found something. One diamond encrusted bracelet sold in the exchange of, One Hundred and Ten pound King George Sterling to one Miss Y/mothers maiden/N, 12A Ferris Court Birmingham" he said handing the small piece of paper to Tommy, breathing a sigh of relief.

"She's still in Birmingham?" John questioned confused as to how they hadn't found you since they had already checked that part of town. Scrunching the paper in his hands, anger started to build up in him. Was someone helping you?

" Y/mothers maiden/N" Tommy scoffed. " One Hundred and Ten pounds ey? I brought that bracelet for Two Hundred and Fifty" Tommy said, squinting his eyes at the shopkeeper who swallowed harshly as he leaned over the counter to open his till. " One Hundred and Ten pounds, and I'll be keeping the bracelet" Tommy said pulling the same sum of money out, a smirk on his lips as the owner rubbed the sweat of his forehead as Tommy emptied his till." Lads " Tommy said as he walked to the door, his brothers quickly following behind him. " Pleasure doing business with you Mr Johnson" he added, walking out the door as Arthur took the hat of John's head replacing it with slap to the back of his skull instead.

After a long day of working at the school, you and the teacher you were assisting made your way to the village square. You and Mr Brown or as you called him Robert, had grown close to one another over the past weeks. He had become a good a friend, but only a friend. He would never ask questions about your personal life, quickly realising you were reluctant to talk about it whenever the topic arose, he respected your privacy and decided to leave the subject alone. Every day after school had ended he would walk with you to your lodgings, he was a caring man whose friendship you deeply cherished, one you was afraid of Tommy learning about. If your husband knew you was talking to another man let alone him accompany you home, you would certainly both pay the price for his anger, the thought alone scared you into never delving into your past.

" Think the kids really enjoyed your imaginative way of learning the alphabet today. Still don't know how you managed to find an object for each word of the alphabet" he laughed as he walked beside you along the country lane.

" I don't either" you giggled as you both approached the village square, the sun shining down on the quiet neighborhood.

" Thinking about having them do a large drawing for our benefactors visit tomorrow, we are so grateful for their donations. They keep our school going and Mr Sh.." he stopped as you came to a halt, your hand grabbing holding of his arm.

"Y/N are you ok? " he said looking at the fearful expression on your face, your eyes fixed on the back of a smartly dressed man with a peaked cap sitting on a bricked wall.

" He found me...I, I need to go" you panicked, tears welling in your eyes as you started walking backwards letting go of Roberts arm.

"Wait, Y/N" he stopped you, your eyes widening at the man turning around as Robert turned his head to look at what had you so frightened.

" Oh..." You exhaled as tears ran down your face to see that the man in front of you wasn't your husband. Feeling your knees go weak, you stumbled to a nearby bench as Robert held you up.

"You're married aren't you?" He questioned as he looked down at your trembling hands, the indent of where your wedding ring once was only now coming to his attention.

"Yes" you said nodding your head as you blinked away the tears.

" And you're hiding from him?" he asked as you mouthed a silent yes in response whilst you looked desperately into your friends eyes.

" You don't understand, if he finds me.."

" He's not going to find Y/N, nobody knows about this village, they can't even pronounce it let alone find it. You're safe here, I promise" he said, as he placed a comforting hand over yours. " Come on, let's get you back before Mrs Riley starts worrying" he said smiling to you as he reached his hand out for yours. Smiling back you stood up wiping the tears away with the back of your hand as a wave of dread washed over you at Roberts words. Tommy would never stop until he found you, it was only matter of time until he would finally hunt you down.

"FUCKKK!" Tommy shouted at the top of his voice as he repeatedly punched his fist into the wall. " She's playing with me Arthur, she's fucking playing with me!" Tommy yelled as he frantically reached into his pocket for a smoke, anger coursing through his body as he tried to light the cigarette in his mouth. You had deceived him, the address you gave was the address to an abandoned flat on the north side of Birmingham's city center, Tommy was furious.

" Tom, maybe she just wants some space, she'll come back eventually" John said as he stood by the door, his hands in his pockets.

" What the fuck was that, space?!" Tommy said storming over to his brother, Arthur putting himself between them before a fight broke out.

" We'll find her Tom" Arthur reassured his brother as he took out his lighter, igniting the cigarette resting between Tommy's lips.

" She fucking needs me, she's weak without me" Tommy said as he exhaled a cloud of smoke, the nicotine calming his nerves as his brothers looked nervously to eachother at Tommy's strange choice of words.

" Come on brother let's get out here" Arthur said wrapping his arm around his shoulder as he walked with him to the door, John sheepishly following behind. Tommy may be John's brother but even he knew he was not immune to the deadly gang leaders retribution, a retribution he wanted to stay clear of.

Sitting by the classroom window the following day, you looked down at the stack of papers In front of you that needed to be marked as Robert walked into the classroom carrying a pile of books in his arms.

" They'll be arriving soon" Robert said as he placed the books down onto his desk, a film a sweat covering his skin from his frantic state.

" Who?" You replied looking up from the papers you were grading as you took a sip of tea, a playful smile on your lips as you looked at Roberts nervousness.

" The benefactors of the school, remember? They've been funding us for over a year, we can't keep this place going without them, everything needs to be in order for when they come" he replied as he sat down in his chair exhausted.

" Come on Robert, no one would pull funding from a school for orphaned children'' you replied trying to reassure him.

" Yes maybe, but these patrons are not exactly, clean money" he responded as he wiped the sweat from his skin whilst you giggled at the thought of criminals funding anything, let alone a school.

" Well they can't be that bad if they have the heart to donate money to our little school. What did you say their name was?" you replied as you put your pen back into your bag.

" It's Sh..oh god it's them" he answered cutting himself off when he saw their car pull up in front of the school.

" Do I have time to use the bathroom?" you asked getting up with a grin on your face as you turned around to see the Bugatti parked just outside.

" Yes yes but hurry, the boss is... well he's, he's intimidating"

"Intimidating" you repeated, rolling your eyes laughing whilst you made your way to the restroom as the sound of the school door opened.

" Remind me why the fuck we have to go to these things Pol?" Tommy asked as he lit a cigarette.

" Because it's what you do when you own a charity Tommy" she replied shutting the school door behind her.

" Well don't drag it on, I've got things to do. Who chose this school? I've never even heard of this fucking village " he added as he looked at his pocket watch, his patience already disappearing.

" Can you at least try to pretend like you want to be here" Polly said as she gave him a stern look, Tommy forcing a sarcastic smile in response.

" Mr Shelby, Miss Grey. It's so nice to see you again" Robert greeted them as he shook each of their hand, a warm smile on his face as he welcomed them into the classroom. Looking around the small room Tommy perched himself on one of the empty desks, exhaling a puff of smoke as Polly and Robert talked to eachother.

" Do tell us Mr Brown, how are the children doing? Do you have everything you need?" Polly asked as Tommy rubbed his cigarette in between his fingers, looking out the window, uninterested by the conversation that was taking place.

" Oh, they are doing great, we have a new teaching assistant that started a few months ago, she should be back any minute, she's been a real help" he replied pulling out the drawing the children had made for them. Rubbing his forehead Tommy looked ahead of him at the small desk beside the blackboard when something suddenly caught his eye. Scrunching his brow he stood up walking over to the small wooden table in the corner, tilting his head as his eyes narrowed in on the black handbag sitting on top of the old wood. This was your bag, he was certain of it. The sound of Polly and Roberts conversation started to muffle in his ears, the thumping of his heart replaced the echo of their voices as he felt the room closing in on him. Feeling the pressure of his shirt pushing against his throat, Tommy loosened the tie around his neck, his anger rising in him at an unstoppable speed, you had been here all this time.

" When did your new assistant start working here ?" Tommy seethed, turning around to face Robert as he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead.

" Around 6 weeks ago Mr Shelby" he replied taking a step back as he saw the anger in his face.

" At this new teaching assistant " Tommy started to say as bitterness and fury built in his voice. " What's her last name?"

" Well it's Y/mother's maiden/N" he replied as Tommy scoffed in reply, shaking his head in disbelief.

" Miss Y/mother's maiden/N...not Mrs Shelby then?" Tommy answered as he looked Robert dead in the eye.

" What's going on Tommy?" Polly interjected as she watched the the tension build in her nephews face.

" Have you been helping her, hm?" Tommy said raising his voice as Polly's eyes darted to your bag on the table, putting her hand to her mouth in shock at the realisation.

" I... I don't " Robert stuttered as his brain tried to catch up to what Tommy was asking. And then it hit him, he was the man you were hiding from, he was your husband.

" Where is she? Answer me!" Tommy shouted as he slammed his fist down onto the desk in front of him.

Leaving the bathroom, you frowned in confusion as you heard the sound of raised voices coming from the classroom you had just left. Drying the back of your hands on the front of your dress you hurried to the room as quickly as you could, only to come to a stop as your eyes widened in terror, a gasp leaving your mouth whilst your hand grasped onto the door frame in fear you would lose your balance. There, standing in the middle of the room was your husband, Roberts hand holding onto a chair as Tommy loomed over him. Straightening his coat out Tommy turned around to the sound of your presence.

" Hello darling" your husband said, his hands casually in his suit trousers as a wicked smile grew on his lips, his eyes roaming over your body. He had found you.

Letting go of the door frame you started to walk backwards, tears welling in you eyes as you looked back at your husband, his eyes darkening, his face taunt with anger as he waited for you to do what he knew you would.

" One, two, three..." Tommy started to count as if this was a game of hide-and-seek, and he was the seeker. Shaking your head tears fell down your cheeks as you prepared yourself to run, the sound of his countdown ringing in your ears. But Tommy never would count to ten. With the smirk growing on his face, Tommy stopped at three, his eyebrow raised as he took one step forward and you took one step back. Spinning around you ran to the front door as quickly as you could, slamming it shut as the sound of your husband's footsteps chasing after you rapidly approached.

" Y/N Shelby!" Tommy shouted as he ran after you, a sinister smile dancing on his lips. This was all a game to him, he was enjoying it." You never was very good at hiding" he shouted as he watched you run around the corner out on to the road.

" Come on sweetheart, don't I get a kiss from my long-lost wife" he said sarcastically as he hunched down pulling his gun out. Now ducked down running along the opposite side of the hedge Tommy watched you through the small holes in the hedgerow as you rapidly walked down the country lane wiping the tears from your eyes.

"Run rabbit, run rabbit, run run run, the farmers coming with his gun gun gun" Tommy sang as you abruptly stopped in the middle of the road your eyes darting left and right as panic coursed through your body. Turning around you looked back to the top of the road when you suddenly heard someone pushing their way through the hedge, the cock of a gun echoing along the country lane. With a trembling body your turned back around, tears cascading down your face as your eyes turned to see Tommy standing right behind you, his gun pointed straight at you.

"Lost little bunny?"

Tag list: @litteltourtius @aesthetic0cherryblossom @swordofawriter @casa-boiardi @muhahaha303 @fmo166 @call-sign-shark @priyajoyy @pet1t3 @ifevilwhyhot @bruher @whereismymindnow

[i-hope-no-one-finds-this]

The air is stagnant with desert heat that covers my thighs with sweat as I sit on the leather-bound chair. I contemplate if i am showing too much emotional distress or not enough. Should I keep eye contact for this long? He would get even more distraught if he thought i was not taking this conversation seriously, im not. He sits comfortably in his own chair, 5 feet in front of me. I think this is the most he has said to me in over three months and its a lecture, of course it is. “It hurts that you just have that emotion of ‘i-dont-give-a-fuck-especially-to-my-dad everytime I see you.’” Hmm, its because after the emotional trauma you have put me through I really can’t afford to spare any more mental room for your nonsense anymore. “Who do i live for?” Yourself. “Me.” i say. “Uh-huh. And have you ever wanted anything? Do people look at you and go shes poor as fuck? No, they havent. I am poor as fuck, i am so poor and i do it all so that you can have the nicest things, your car, your phone, your shoes…” You can take them all back if you want, wont change anything. “I just want you to admit what you did was fucked up and apologize, you knew that we had been talking about this, yet you still just dont give a fuck about my emotions or how it would effect me at all.” Oh, I have to respond fast here. “Honestly i am sorry dad, i really did not think this was that important to you. I knew you wanted to get one together, i just didn't realize it had to be my first one.” “Baby why would I not want it to be the first one?” Baby, thats a good sign. I really wonder if he thinks that i hate him, as a person i do, as family I just want him to be good to my mom and I, not treat us each like shit. A memory of a video of a girl describing how she leaves her boyfriends after a single argument because she is used to being let down by her father who will not change pops into my head. Huh, i guess he really has messed me up. Ladies choose your men right, dont let just anyone hit cause youre not only condemning yourself but also your child of a world of hell. I am a bad daughter, ill admit it at least. Better than claiming i deserve the best dad of the year i suppose. 

Statistically speaking, about 45% of American households are separated, and of all marriages in the country, about 17% of them are truly happy. Unluckily for my household, we are part of that 45 and 83 percent. My parents separated long before I can ever remember however, I vividly remember when they wanted to spend time all together seeing as they had a pretty good friendship and both shared a deep desire to spend more time with their one and only child, me. For a year and a half during high school, my parents decided to move into a house together as friends and roommates so that they both can have quality time with me while I still lived under the same roof as them till college. This friendly agreement was soon to be a terrible mistake that gave off the impression that I was living in a continuously breaking family. Imagine having to go to school early in the morning yet you can’t fall asleep because of the arguing going on apparently right outside your door. Imagine feeling guilty because you're the only reason both parents decided to do this in the first place, and now they have nowhere to go but to their pits of despair they call home. The repercussions of what was said after an especially bad argument would usually be days of silent treatment and lingering resentment clinging to the house walls. My only escape was school so when I dove into homework as soon as I got home, it would be confused as responsible indulgence, when the truth was I didn’t want to witness the confrontation my parents had with one another when they would return home from their day jobs. The house, however small it was, resembles an extremely hard time in my life, where I was consumed daily with self-destructing thoughts of why my parents argued daily, why I usually caught the backlashes of their disagreements when they would ask me if I agreed or not. That year, I finished having one of the highest GPAs I think I've had, ever. The continued hard work I put into studying and doing homework in order to get rid of my constant sadness and guilt had propelled me to set new highs for me in school.

[dex-starr]

god am I feeling miserable hahaha

fucking hilarious.

I got the guitar I’ve been drooling about, but I can’t find absolute joy in playing it. I’m probably getting a decent job. Maybe a car eventually? 2 of these 3 things I can hardly give a fuck for. I’m getting my mental health together -- slowly because it’s only so much in my hands right now and I can only control what I can control -- brain chemistry I kinda need the tools for that. 

Yet I don’t have you in my life and I haven’t had you in my life and I’ve definitely let people know of the void of that and how I feel about it -- but they don’t quite get it. I don’t have you, don’t have your heart anymore, don’t even have your presence as a friend either. I didn’t not want these things, I didn’t not want it all nor you. I wish I could’ve explained it all and not did the things I did, I wish I could’ve actually sought treatment and a diagnosis instead of being scared. I wish I took care of my health bc these are all things I needed to do in order to actually end up with you. And not for you, for my sake because I didn’t want those things to affect or hurt you.

I don’t even know if having you back in my life in some form would fix this state I’m in. What do I do? What do I say? Haven’t I said everything? Isn’t there no part of me that isn’t left to bare? I said all of my feelings even the not so great ones, fuck I even let myself get actually angry at things but my mind didn’t change on what I think about you. On what I feel about you though? Jury’s out to town on that bc I very much know it could be that I’m just trying to go back to something safe despite everything that happened. Every little unhealthy thing that we both unfortunately did. I did love you, with all my heart. I think I do love you but I can’t tell you if it’s the same way that I once did unless I actually talk to you and we get somewhere with our conversation finally. And if I don’t -- I don’t and that would suck but y’know at least we tried and I just want you happy.

I just like... the reason I need to talk to you is partially because I need to know why even though I know the why. But I need to hear it from you, why you chose to go the route that you did and say what you said did what you did. Try to impress someone who I could tell you wouldn’t reciprocate. Like did you do it just because they were there and you needed to move on from me? Or did you do it just to hurt me and get even with the sleight you felt against you? Like I just think about it and never in a thousand years, what I didn’t tell you was an issue I had with myself and my past actions that I told myself I would move forward from because I was mistaken and knew better now. I just... why? Why did you do all that? I would’ve really done anything, I was just a mess of a person at that time because of everything going on and that went on.

But god I really would’ve done anything just to make you happy

and that’s the part that I can recognize is maybe the correct option or extremely unhealthy.

It’s not like I didn’t think about these things. I do. All the time. I have fucking severe depression and ADHD that’s unmedicated as fuck. I ruminate even when I don’t want to. I ruminate about the stupidest things, the slightest change in behavior bc I think I’ll have done something wrong. These things have made me feel like I can only do wrong, which is why I just have a hard time when I actually do wrong bc I attributed way more than you thought to it. Side-tracking aside... like I thought in every way shape or form what I could do. But the only conclusion I came to was that it depended on what you wanted to do. If you didn’t want me around and if that made you happier then so-be-it, that’s what I want you to have a part of/place in the world that actually makes you happy. If I can’t do that then I am a problem, as tough as it is to say it. I always accept that responsibility, as much as I hate being told that I’m doing bad. (Thanks Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria).

The thing is with all this ruminating I think I did move on in some ways but in other ways I cannot, I don’t really understand why because I’ve come to the logical conclusions on it. I’m not having some kind of false hope -- some kind of delusion that a storybook romance will happen, even though I am a stupid ass dumbass hopeless romantic at heart. I know very well what reality is, I know very well what my part was in things failing -- as much as I want to shoulder all the blame... I can’t. Believe me, I do want to shoulder it all. I told myself I would carry the burden of everything if it fell apart. But realistically I don’t think I can. It’s eating away at me.

It all leads back to why did you do all that and was there really no way we could’ve actually made it work?

Maybe so, I don’t know why I’m asking that question like... I’m not going to claim to know the answer but like fuck I don’t know dude. I’m just confused, I don’t know what to even say. If I was able to talk to you I don’t know if I would be able to speak without like gathering my thoughts beforehand because this emotion stuff just overwhelms my stupid adhd brain.

It would all be so simple if it was all procedural but life isn’t like that and I get that. But fuck man I really am trying here when does it get better????