#or I've just been so isolated from people that like. I cannot fucking speak out loud anymore lol

[heartshattering]

///

Idk it's just sad that I made a list of "productive" shit I wanted to do before my voice call today and now all I'm thinking about is how I wish I could s-h lol

I took a med to calm down my panic (as prescribed, not abusing or misusing anything but I just don't like taking more meds than I have to during the daytime since I'm already trying to taper down on how much medication I take for sleep at nighttime) and I'm not going to hurt myself but my mom isn't leaving me alone, good thing the intensity of my emotions has started to dull down a bit but fuck

[spacelazarwolf]

Maybe i just need to vent.

I fucked up. Got called out. And wouldn't you know it, the callout has done nothing for me a trans man but isolate me, make anyone scared to speak up for me, and now i have fash chuds spoof calling my phone! No matter how bad it gets and what they are told about it by concerned parties in private these people won't even update their shit to say "we don't endorse harassment of this user, stop. " which tells me they just endorse harassment of me.

It's like it's just cool to harass an autistic trans man! It's like if you direct fashy chuds to the lowest common denominator, no one will acknowledge you're being as bad as those chuds.

Maybe people should stop unintentionally creating a police state online because they're used to it? IDK

imo "callout culture" is entirely antithetical to concepts like prison abolition and restorative justice, which a lot of people who perpetuate callout culture claim to support. i remember reading years ago about how "callout/cancel culture" was a concept that originated on black twitter to let other black people know about businesses and people that weren't safe for black people to go to or interact with. so it makes sense that, like intersectionality theory, it was co-opted and bastardized by white people and turned into a bludgeon against other marginalized people.

and like. this is something i've been talking to my irl friends about a lot lately. because what's the goal? what are you trying to achieve by making that callout post? what happened to prompt it? did someone prove a pattern of dangerous behavior, or did they just fuck up and now you have an excuse to put them on blast to feel morally superior? are you making this post so people are aware of someone with a pattern of dangerous behavior and can stay away, or are you making it knowing that it will prompt the people in your circle to go after that person and "punish" them? do you want that person to learn from their mistake(s) or do you want to brand them as a bigot forever? do you want the world to be a better place, or do you want to be angry at your (perceived) oppressors?

so yeah, if you're going to say acab and if you're going to say you believe in prison abolition and restorative justice, you cannot turn around and make a callout post for everyone on tumblr dot com you think has wronged you.

[animazi]

icl i fundamentally disagree with the 'oh the acolyte shows anakin could have left the order anyway actually so he's so much worse bc he had an easy way out the whole time' discussions I've been seeing, because, like. literally why is this even a topic of discussion? ok ok hang with me here, I'm doing a list.

there is literally nothing in the prequels that suggests this is ever an option for him. up until shmi's death he is happy with the order - most of the problems he expresses come specifically from his relationship with obi-wan not the jedi generally, so why would he want to leave. once shmi dies, sure I getcha. his mum died and the jedi have a significant hand in that, and then he immediately breaks the code and does a massacre. however, and some may have missed this, its a fairly small plot point, the clone wars begin. anakin is not only never characterised as the sort of guy who would back out of this conflict (esp since he was involved from the get go), but also there is literally no time between anything - aotc and rots take place over such short time spans, comparatively; we see quite literally All the events happening at once.

so why doesn't he quit in tcw/rots? again. there is a war on and he is directly involved. tcw shows him as having made personal connections with the clones, and if there's one thing about anakin that everyone should be able to agree on its that he sure has attachments. also, again, rots takes place over such a short span of time and he is fairly clearly not in the best place in like fucking any of it

it probably wouldn't even fix anything bro. anakin is not the central turning point of the war, not really. that's palpatine. with or without anakin palpatine still gets the war, and realistically if anakin leaves the order then war breaks out, he is going to turn to palpatine as one of the only people he is close to, and ergo probably falls anyway. maybe he doesn't kill the younglings but like. shit still happens, jedi still get order 66'd

No Please Understand One Busy And Isolated Woman Is Not A Full Support Network Stop It. ok so. padme isolation is something that I fully see in the films. I will not yap on about that now, but take it as read for this point (although. even if she has a great and healthy support network that is not the issue! you are still saying that padme, who has a very busy job and her own life regardless, should functionally drop everything to support anakin). a key part of support networks is that they are a network aka not one woman. look me dead in the eyes and think anakin and obi-wan (already not having a great communicative relationship) are still talking after he leaves. go on. try. realistically speaking once the war starts anakin is in an, if anything, worse position - his fatherbrothermentor is out there fighting and he cannot help, his wife is barely home, the senate is always busy, and he is so so jobless (again. here is where palpatine would swoop in...bro cannot win fr fr). and Again, One (1) Padme Should Not Be Responsible For Dealing With The Entirely Of Anakin's Issues. stop it.

I don't actually have a full point 5 rn I just like it when the numbers do this :3

so bonus not-quite point: tcw and the acolyte both explicitly say the jedi don't prep you for the outside world if you leave the order, transferable skills etc etc BUT ALSO does your ex-jedi have any records of employment? any space gcses or a-levels or space degrees? a letter of recommendation? are they actually skilled enough in say mechanics/engineering to be able to survive in a world where droids exist and clearly have a huge presence in those sectors? any any money to help them get a flat or smth (not applicable in anakin's case but worth saying anyway)?

in short. I don't think it's a fair point to make when criticising anakin. it relies on a really weird reading of the prequels that misses a) the war, b) palpatine, c) the inherent misogyny of putting the wellbeing of anakin, guy who is hanging on the same thread as my sanity after exam week, entirely in the hands of one woman, d) the lack of regard for how support networks are, in fact, networks, e) how fast everything happens in the prequels

[edenfenixblogs]

hope you dont mind me sending an ask being a total stranger and all, i just don't wanna bother op of that post

fd does bring up the fact kendrick is a BHI/hotep briefly, specifically that that's great ammo for a beef because to most people the bhi/hoteps are considered weird and embarrassing and would be insanely easy to make fun of in a beef (at least according to most black people I've spoken with & fd himself), but also he believes that drake probably doesn't even really grasp what they are because he's distanced himself in such a specific way from the black community (and arguably jewish community as well, though i think fd only kinda alludes to it) in a really specific way- BUT, that it was an evolution, he started out in a very odd cultural position where he was ostracized for simultaneously recieving antiblackness from white & jewish communities he was a part of but also seen as "not black enough" by many black people (and it's still a bullshit take people will have)

that desire to fit in is what led him down a shitty road, but also drake already clearly had some clearly terrible behaviors already. he talks about how kendrick was being unhinged too and isnt necessarily one to talk

overall the video is more about the music history behind it and the connection between it and the current culture, and just kinda what led to this climate that could want the downfall of drake

i dont know if i agree on drake not knowing about BHIs, though i could believe he doesnt with how he really weirdly constantly codeswitches even wrt jewishness, but imho fd doesnt like to touch on areas where he really cannot speak to the experience, he's said as much in the past, so he only speaks very briefly of the black perspective of how hoteps are goofy as hell

sorry for rambling, im really into music, think fd did the video well although i dont agree with all his opinions, and just wanted to articulate it correctly that it's really more about the musical climate than anything else :)

I don’t mind this message at all!!! In fact, I’m so grateful for it!

This is all really good info. I would believe that Drake didn’t know about BHI, tbh. I didn’t know about it until a couple years ago when Ice Cube (who I grew up loving 😭😭😭) did some heinous shit awhile ago and I was like “Why did my man come for us Jews what the fuck??”

And then a mutual told me about BHI and I looked up. And found a whole new group of people who hate, dehumanize and erase us. 🙃🙃🙃🙃

I mean, theoretically, maybe Drake may have had more exposure to it as a Black and Jewish man. His mere existence makes him more of a target for people invested in that kind of ideology. But also, I do and always have very much gotten the sense that he was ostracized from much of the black community for his Jewishness and mixed race reasons—not due any specific issue in the black community, but just because people are always dicks to people who don’t neatly fit into social categories in expected ways. I can also see how being a Black rapper in white-passing Jewish circles could have been very uncomfortable if those white-passing Jews were inclined to tokenize or exclude him. So it’s possible to me that his bilateral isolation might have insulated him from BHI discourse.

Tbh I don’t think code switching is weird in almost any circumstance. It’s just a development in reaction to your environment. I have a really multiethnic and multicultural family and code switch all the time. I think if it seems weird when Drake does it, it might just be because he has not developed (and tbh should never have had to develop) a strong sense of what “version” of Drake he is supposed to be. So when he tries to read the room and meet expectations, be just does it badly. But it’s not his fault in the long run. It is fault of people who expect him to fit those expectations in the first place.

I respect the hell outta fd for staying in his lane and only speaking on what he understands. And with this context I’m glad he brings up BHI at all. Because it *is* relevant. Being Black and Jewish ANYWHERE are both identities that permeate every single element of someone’s lived experience. When dealing with a beef between people where one is Black and Jewish and the other is Black and attempts to usurp Jewishness by re-categorizing it historically and racially…the cultural friction at play is absolutely relevant.

I’m sure it isn’t the whole story or even likely to be the most important factor in their beef. But it is definitely A factor and it wouldn’t have been right to leave it undressed. Especially when the beef took off as antisemitism more broadly was on the rise due to current events.

I am glad to know that most people still see BHI as a goody ideology. There’s still wayyy too many people who believe it, though. I’ve lived with the consequences of their hatred for white-passing Jews for several months now and it is…unpleasant. But mostly it’s heartbreaking. I grew up listening to Ice Cube. I used to cite James Baldwin. I adored Alice Walker. And finding out that they hate me one by one was devastating. But the worst part has been OTHER BHI folks using their words to justify their own hatred of me and all Jews like me while simultaneously making me feel like I was harming them in some way just by existing.

I want to be clear that I do not and never have believed that most black people believe BHI bullshit. I’m only saying that it was a shock to me the sheer number of people who DO believe it and how vehemently they hold that belief and direct that vehement *emotion* directly at me. It’s really good for me to know that people who aren’t Jewish are publicly speaking out against BHI bullshit. It restores a lot of hope for me.

So ok. I’m back on the “maybe I’ll watch in a little bit when I’m less raw” train. I also love music, even though I’m certainly not up to date on it. So I’m intrigued to know more about the musical landscape of what’s going on.

Thanks again!

[ivyial]

Okay, I just saw your other ask about leshley/eagleone and felt like I had to get in on this because ever since RE4Make came out, I've been going crazy over this ship. I have always found it cute in RE4 OG, but now it's driving me crazy. I cannot understand how many people miss the many implications that Leon is trying to flirt during certain parts of the game. Like seriously, come on, pals, he's being so awkward, trying to sound cool and give compliments that end up sounding weirder than he intended. And I don't know if it's just me that noticed this, but I find it funny how Leon talks to Ashley in certain moments like it's the easiest thing to do; then, in other parts, he really has no clue how to speak to her. Does that not scream attraction to anyone?

i'm with you on this one. i don't know how people miss EVERYTHING about them. like they don't even go "oh?" at times when they're playing. it probably depends on the mindset you have when you're playing. if you're hyperfocused on the action, maybe you'll miss it. idk. on social media, there are two broad types of people who have negative reactions when it comes to leon/ashley:

1. aeon shippers (mostly, can be other shippers as well, but they're mostly chill because they themselves get forced into a corner by aeon stans) who think it threatens their ship

2. people who are fiercely anti-romance when it comes to whatever media they consume and consider it to be dumb and actively making a good piece of media worse (because in their eyes, romance is a lowly preoccupation to have)

and both groups are super bitter for no reason lmaoooo. you might have noticed a tendency in media discourse recently on social media that is very anti-romance - a few weeks ago, it became a whole thing on twitter because of the bear (the tv show) and the ship between sydney and carmy, to the point where even official media outlets started talking about it. romance is considered dumb. everything that contains romance is essentially a bad soap opera. blah blah blah we're all too smart for that. there's a very strong, almost puritanical anti-sex sentiment going around at the moment as well, and i wish it was just some isolated issue within fandoms overpopulated by young teens, but people lost their minds over two sex scenes in oppenheimer for god's sake. and if i had the time and willpower and knowledge, i'd turn this into a discussion about how that ties into humans being obsessed with moving away from every single instinct that they have, but well.

i also agree with the second part of your ask, about leon's attitude towards ashley. tbh, leon can't flirt for shit: most of the time, he's awkward (RE2R, the fence scene with claire: i can never tell if he's attempting to flirt, or if he's just awkward because there's a cute girl right in front of him) or even downright unfunny (was he trying to flirt with jill in death island? was he trying to lighten the mood? idk man leon is a bit of a whore so). he tries to flirt all the time: we got shen may in infinite darkness, ada, etc. we know he isn't smooth.

so one thing that really sticks out in RE4R is his tone with ashley, in two specific instances (maybe more): the one i mentioned in my previous ask, when he says "i can catch you", and when he sees ashley asleep on the bed in chapter 13 (and calls out to her). these are two very intense and high-stress situations where he kind of reverts back to RE2R leon (nick does a great job at conveying the difference in maturity in leon's voice in both games). he's very distressed. why does that matter? because fucking shouting ashley's name when there are two enemies 10 meters away (we know that, he doesn't, but the island is riddled with ganados, so why would he even try?) is the stupidest decision a special agent could make. and yet he does it anyway. there are other instances of leon being in a similar situation, yet he still retains that deeper tone of his - see his first encounter with krauser in chapter 11.

and it's not just because he's doing his job, which is what one of my friends argued, because you don't go around flirting with the person you're tasked to rescue for shits and giggles. not to mention, that's the president's daughter. if he was just doing his job, he'd stick to the plan, be stoic and get her home and that's it. that's what's required of him. implying that the first daughter is hot as fuck and that he doesn't usually enjoy his regular missions nearly as much as he does when he's with her isn't part of his job description. there's a difference between being a decent guy and not treating her like cargo, and overtly flirting with her.

i think he's also very awkward with her at first because he's toeing the line between what's acceptable and what isn't, so he can figure out if there is grounds for flirting and it's not wholly unwanted on ashley's part. then you get that pep talk in the castle, which is when they really start to get comfortable with each other and when he attempts some physical contact that isn't just 100% necessary. she reacts well, which explains why he takes it further in chapter 9. he spends the rest of the game painfully distressed and by chapter 16, they're all over each other (jetski + taking her hand to run to the elevator - leon, the girl is smart, she knows how to run and follow you).

leon has a crush. plain and simple. he doesn't know how to deal with it, except for the few times when he does and the flirting is technically reciprocated. idk how people can't notice the plain signs of attraction, even in a generation that is as recluse and introverted as mine tends to be, but they're very obvious once you start paying attention.

[queerfables]

911 season 4 liveblog part 4x07 through to the end

4x07

Ok I'm obsessed with this "mother plague" band I want to go to all their shows and maybe hook up with them

Oh boy Buck is not having a good date. Come on lady, be nice. It's not like Buck held you at gunpoint to get you to the table. If you're having a bad time just go home.

Ok seriously you cannot order dessert on a date where you're clearly having a bad time and then continue to be bitchy to the person you're there with. Just go home!

LMFAO THEY'RE NEIGHBOURS

Hen saying "Have either of you ever seen me in a dress?" and the random guy chiming in with "I think you'd look lovely in a dress" lmfao not the correct response my dude

Buck and Eddie facing off against a turkey together amazing

I'm enjoying Michael's Rear Window arc

Crying with laughter. I love that when Athena asks Bobby to check on Michael he immediately gets sucked into Michael's nonsense

Bobby is TERRIBLE at undercover operating

"Michael did help me break into a bank vault once" I really love their team ups

Oh my god Michael just snuck into the guy's house??

Holy fuck is he stealing organs??

Oh this is a nice scene with Hen and her mum

LMFAO LMFAO Buck's bad date is dating Albert now that's hilarious

4x08

Crying with laughter over the bitingly false cheer in this flight attendant's voice as she says "you betcha". Poor friend she's having a terrible time.

Why is everyone acting like she specifically is antagonising them on purpose

Honestly her breakdown is totally warranted everyone on that plane was terrible. No jury would convict her.

Oh the cork embedded in the guy's neck had me gasp out loud at the screen love when this show gets me like that

Aw Buck babysitting Christopher makes me :pleading-eyes:

Buck is such a family guy ugh it's soft. it's been super obvious ever since he met Christopher that he is someone who needs to be around kids and one day have his own (and that he adores Christopher in particular ofc). He and Eddie are so alike. This isn't the only way but it's definitely one that stands out to me, because of course Eddie just completely lights up around his kid.

Man, I rode out the worst of the pandemic in one of the most isolated cities in the world (by total coincidence, we had moved there the year before it hit) so we weren't hit too hard by it. But this season is really driving home how lucky I got.

Omg Taylor and Buck gossiping about Buck's love life is really funny. Maybe they'll hook up again but I would love if she just hung around as his bitchy ex who gets drunk with him and dunks on all his life choices

Chanting for the guy to jump? Classy.

"I've met the people you work with. Your life is nothing but meaningful relationships." Only Taylor could make that sound like an insult. I love her.

Oh Eddie. I know that conversation didn't go the way you hoped but the fact that your kid is able to say the words "I'm mad at you" and walk off to get some space speaks volumes about what an excellent parent you are. It's gonna be ok.

Okay when Taylor knocked on the door I thought she only showed up so she could watch the train wreck but actually she had no idea what she was walking into and in revenge she intends to BE the train wreck? That's hilarious.

oh no Taylor you're showing human emotions and vulnerability stop that immediately before I fall in love with you

Oh my god I'm gonna cry, Eddie panicking over Christopher going missing, answering the call from Buck in a total freak out, but it's all OK and Buck is calling because when Christopher is feeling upset and alone and mad at his dad, the person he trusts to go to is Buck? Gosh that's a lot T_T

Feeling very 🥺 about Taylor & Buck friendship

Oh no, Hen and Karen, that is super rough news. I'm sorry, that aspect of fostering must be so rough.

4x09

Omg this is so familiar. My family had pretty much the same experience when our little one was born. "Today's the day" I'm sorry Maddie, today is not the day.

Oh my god I hate seeing kids in distress this car driving the wrong way down the highway is tough

Oh jeeze this accident is pushing everyone's buttons

Chimney and Maddie are so cute

Oh no Albert!!

He better not die I'll be big mad

Then again if he's anything like his brother he'll be fine

Their music choice is not filling me with confidence

Oh thank God

Oh that is a beautiful baby

Oh Hen. "Nia's damn near crying her eyes out and you act like it happens every day" in fairness, she's a toddler, it probably does happen every day. Put yourself in her mother's shoes for a moment. You experienced first hand the fear of losing your kid, this mother actually experienced it. You don't know what she went through that she had her kid taken and you don't know what she's done to get back to a place where she can look after her again.

"You are nothing like that woman" "I am exactly like that woman" Yeah, he is, and as terrible as the accident she caused is, she's still a person just like Bobby is.

Wow this show really can do Themes when it wants to

4x10

Oh, ouch. I know I was tough on Hen for being angry and trying to fight their foster kid leaving, but I also have a lot of empathy. This sucks, and I'm really sad for their son too.

Oh oof I'm crying

This is too sad

Oh now I'm sad about Hen being happy for Chimney even though she's going through something so painful

Oh that baby is soooo tiny

Ugh I love Ann

Oh no Chimney you put your foot in it a bit there

Athena you really need to learn to react to your kids doing things you don't like with a little more chill

Especially if you want them to tell you things and take your advice and such

This is such an emotional episode

Ugh Chimney calling Ann "Grandma"

Oh no Denny is suuuuch a good kid T_T

A big part of the reason I think this show is aimed at people in a slightly older demographic is that every time they do an episode about kids and parenthood it just completely turns on the waterworks for me lol. and I don't think it would have affected me this way before I was a parent but now that I am, it's just really clear that the people making this show know what they're talking about.

4x11

Aw Athena you're learning! That was a great response to May asking for more independence

Josh backstory! I'm so happy

And Sue backstory too!!

This scene between Hen and Athena about their kids and the missing girl and May wanting to move out is a really lovely scene, I have missed Hen and Athena's interactions.

Also it passes both the Bechdel test and several related tests about race, and I appreciate that that isn't even particularly noteworthy for the show. The only reason I thought about it was because I was trying to figure out how to describe the scene and when I laid it out like "the one where Hen and Athena talk about May" it made me smile

Another thing I like about this show is that it's one of the only shows filmed during the pandemic where full scenes are conducted with masks being worn. Other shows I've seen during that time usually gestured to the use of masks but had the characters take them off as soon as they started talking.

Lmfao love Athena showing up like "don't even think about it Buck"

Aaaah Josh just saved their lives!! Listen I don't find this scenario completely plausible but it's so cool it doesn't matter. Heck yeah I'll suspend my disbelief for this.

I really love Josh. He reminds me of a very old friend of mine whose name was actually also Josh

4x12

Message in a bottle is a fun premise

Lmfao Buck is so sad about missing out on the helicopter

Is ok Buck, my kid loves helicopters too

LOL at this guy whose foot is three times the size it should be being like "no no I can tough it out"

Are Taylor and Buck gonna go looking for this treasure together? Amazing

I love the dispatch betting pool

OMG EDDIE WANTS TO TEAM UP TOO THAT'S SO CUTE

I love Taylor so much (though I stand by my initial impression that she is a terrible person) I'm keen for some Buck/Eddie/Taylor screentime

Omg now a Hen and Chimney team up too? I'm so into this

Oh we are so getting a Bobby and Athena team up too

Come on Athena have some fun

Otherwise he's gonna go team up with Michael and you'll have to arrest them both

LMFAO HE WAS NEVER ACTUALLY DEAD THAT'S GREAT

This guy is an ass it's hilarious

Heeee everyone showing up at the same place to find the treasure, delightful

HEN'S EXPLANATION FOR HOW THEY FOUND IT IS THE BEST ONE

"My wife wrote an algorithm that detects changes in satellite images"

Big "what like it's hard" energy

"What, the unnamed cameraman gets a cut?"

"I'm glad we're friends" honestly I wish Taylor and Buck really could be friends because again I think that would be a great dynamic for them

That said I do actually enjoy their relationship as a romance too

4x13

Alright, Suspicion and then Survivors, you're up! I've been informed these are good Buddie-sodes so I'm keen!

Omg they're spoofing that bride who tried to subject her guests to lie detector tests heh

Oh I am SO charmed by the fact that Bobby and Michael usually team up for family game night. Their friendship is everything to me.

Don't be douchey about allergen free food. "What's it made of, air?" If I had a gluten free cookie for every time I heard that 🙄

CARLA!! Christopher's reaction is mine

Eddie stop flirting with the lady falling through the balcony

(Tbh this supports my low-key gay!Eddie agenda. He's jumping from one woman to the next and his primary criteria seems to be whether or not they'd be a good parent to Christopher. Of course that will feature in his calculations but idk. Carla asking him to think about what he wants too was important)

This kid moves around a lot, always going to different doctors, oh jeeze this is a Munchausen by proxy case isn't it?

Either that or they're fleeing abuse or something because otherwise the first thing you want for a chronically sick kid is continuity of care

Oh Maddie is really struggling huh

I bet Bobby is someone's sponsor! I wonder why he's lying about it though

Oh no Maddie, Chimney isn't talking about you, you are a good parent you're just sick and need support

Ah, that's why he's lying about it

Holy fuck, Bobby, that is a huge wrecking ball of a statement to make.

"Who says this marriage is working" do not pull that shit without thinking it through in the middle of a fight because that is the kind of thing that's hard to take back

Oh holy SHIT

No listen I've seen a million gifs of that moment it's the first thing that put this ship on my radar I've been waiting for it forever

I did NOT expect it to manage to blindside me so completely even so!!!

Holy fuck

Ok what's next I am AMPED

4x14

Wow how have I not seen gifs of Buck dragging him to safety

Eddie's glazed "Are you hurt?" looking at his own blood all over Buck

THAT is what I'm talking about

"Are you ok, Buckley?"

Not even a little bit

Oh my god he even said it

That dead eyed "No."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Woah, was Eddie the target? I guessed that maybe it was a terrorism thing. Targeting emergency workers seems like a great way to inspire panic

"No comment" ok I'm obsessed with the fact that this is Buck's first instinct when confronted with Taylor under these circumstances. I'm really glad that's not why she's there but I love that he thought it could be. Ah, my cut-throat girlfriend 🥰

"You can't go see his son looking like this" I'm really glad that Taylor is there to tell Buck sensible things like that

Oh it absolutely was targeting firefighters

Aw I'm happy Albert is doing better

Oof this is a ROUGH conversation to have with Christopher. Buck is doing a great job but I wonder if he should really have been the one to do it, only because he's so shaken up himself.

Oh no now he's crying T________T

Jesus he must have thought Eddie was dead

Oh the show is doing Themes again

"As scared as we are, it's going to be worse for the people who love us. They're the ones who have to watch us go to work and worry we might not come home."

"There's that thing people say, 'I don't know what I'd do without you' because losing someone you love is such an alien concept you don't want to imagine what it's like"

"And I was sitting in that engine thinking I was listening to you dying and I didn't need to imagine anything"

Right after Buck was violently confronted with the prospect of losing Eddie

Oof

I'm happy Bobby and Athena are finally talking about this though. They really needed to.

The fact that Buck is staying with Christopher through this T_T

Lmfao fucking Buck of course he's already halfway up the crane

Buck's gonna Buck

Oh fuck that glint of light scared the shit out of me

Man this scene between Bobby and Buck about Buck's apparent death wish was really good

Aw that's a pretty cute Taylor/Buck moment

I gotta be honest I really kind of like them

Aaaaah Eddie's ok

"Still, I think it might have been better for Christopher if I was the one who got shot" Oh Buck you're really in it now

And Eddie's face when he said that

Oh no Bobby!!

Oh I love Chimney taking over the scene since Bobby is trapped inside and can't

Athena walking through fire to save her husband is pretty romantic <3

Oh they got to see Nia again T_T what a lovely coincidence

Oh it's The Scene!!

This is the other one I've been waiting for

Oh holy fuck

yeah

Everything about that was Extremely.

Obsessed with the fact that Eddie did not tell Buck about any of this

Why the hell would you make someone your kid's godparent and not SAY something that's truly unhinged

But Eddie saying no one would fight harder for Christopher than Buck T-T and Eddie saying Buck is not expendable!!!!!!

That is like. The thing that Buck wants to hear the most. And doesn't ever fully believe.

So that is a lot

FIREFIGHTER ALBERT oh I'm emotional

[berrylover0571]

This is going to be a long vent post.

I'm so very very tired. I have been carrying a burden with me and I cannot fucking shake for the entire duration of my life and I'm so fucking tired of it. I am so tired of being somebody else's goddamn therapist, fixing somebody else's problems while nobody wants to fix mine because it's too hard for them too. It's too hard for them to confront it it's too hard for them to face it, it's too hard for them to deal with the shit I have to deal with, but I can deal with everybody else's shit. I can deal with everything they're dealing with, they can make me shoulder all of their burdens but they cannot shoulder mine. I don't need help. I don't need some therapy speak bullshit to help me through things. I don't need to build better habits, I don't need somebody to tell me a diagnosis, as vindicating as that is, I just need somebody to do to me what I do to everybody else, to listen, to help, to tell me I loved and that I'm cared about and that I am worthwhile.

Because, I don't feel like that. I'm not asking for obsessive I love yous and like morning messages and a bunch of bullshit like that, I'm just basically asking for somebody to tell me they like me in that way and be transparent and actually mean it. Because I feel more alone than pretty much I can take.

And I have spent the last week and a half being the middle person for a bunch of people's problems and basically giving people advice that they should have gotten from their parents or just from learning from their fuck ups, because people for some reason cannot fucking do that. It is exhausting. It is exhausting when out of seven people you are one of the two competent people, and the only one whom everyone is willing to talk to and be cordial with. I'm getting very tired of learned helplessness and cold shoulder bullshit and complete aloofness.

I'm getting tired of that compounding with the fact that everyone seems to like each other except me. And when they like me, they like me in the wrong way.

And the worst part is I'm not doing bad. I'm having a great time in a lot of other regards, I just find it absolutely annoying and deeply painful that I am only just now feeling this way and I don't have the ability to share it with anybody. Or when I do it's platonically, which makes me so deeply frustrated. It makes me so frustrated. It makes me so frustrated

Because it compounds with every other painful frustration I have. I am alone in a lot of frustrating capacities, I am alone in a lot of The Kinks I have in my kinky group of IRL people, I am alone in my faith, which makes me so fucking mad you have no idea, I am in terms of relationships, very much isolated and alone feeling because my only partner is in Florida and we only talk occasionally now, and every other person I want to get with is either taken, fucking far away, or some other bullshit thing. It's getting depressing.

The worst part is I'm not doing that bad with that either, but it seems like every time I get to a point where I'm flirting and it's being reciprocated and it's doing fine, it ends abruptly and I'm just left kind of high and dry and I feel like shit.

And I feel like I did something wrong. Like I said something wrong or did something wrong or annoyed somebody and I'm tired of that. I'm really tired of it. I'm really tired of just feeling like there is no hope. That I'm just going to constantly have missed connections and I've got nothing. Because I feel like I do have nothing, I feel like I'm a burden, I'm a pest, I'm an annoyance, and object, a fucking diary, a decoration, I feel like a fucking dog. And I'm tired of feeling like a fucking dog, I'm tired of feeling like a shitty person who doesn't fucking matter and that people can just sort of dump all their shit on to and then when fucking like I need shit, all they do is use stupid fucking therapy speech to try and solve my problem as if it's going to fucking help me to hear the diagnosable issues I have wrong, or the symptoms I have listed out in front of me and the coping skills necessary to fix them. I know what a diagnosis is, I know what it means to have something, and let me tell you it makes it worse.

In some ways I envy people who can turn off their emotions and be awful individuals. In some ways I envy those who can do so much to make themselves so happy.

[that-cunning-witch]

This! People nowadays have this idea that consuming morally dubious content or content made by someone who did something wrong automatically equates to being a genuinely terrible person

We want to remove ourselves from "bad" content and things in general so much because our generation has this weird superiority complex of "i'm better than you because i don't consume x y or z" and I get it... the time we're living in right now is super shitty and we want to get away from it as much as possible... however

I've said this for a while now and I'll say it again: we've lost the concept of the in-between or the grey area. What I mean by this is that everything is black and white now. If there's point A at one end and point C at another, if someone says "hey i agree more with point B" people freak out. That simply cannot be allowed! "Clearly" you're saying that to disguise the fact you're "actually" in camp A or camp C so we'll shove you into one of those ends.

Again, I see why. People have used this tactic a lot under the guise of being a "devil's advocate" to get away with disgusting shit. But we've seemed to have lost critical thinking along the way.

The problem quickly arises that everyone and everything has done something wrong at one point or another. Said something they shouldn't have, supported something they shouldn't have, etc. I remember seeing a post on IG listing a bunch of directors and actors who have been in just about everything saying "remember these people supported so and so back in 2009" and therefore we can no longer watch/support their content... from something a bunch of celebrities did almost fifteen years ago. If we base our consumption of media (or anything in general, really) on if one person who worked on it did something bad ever, then guess what? You can't watch anything, you can't listen to anything, you can't buy anything from them, etc. This type of thinking quickly spirals into a doomsday, pessimistic, "the world can never be fixed" attitude that quickly isolates you and destroys your mental health.

Obviously, there are genuinely awful people that you should never support. People who are being actively shitty people right now as we speak. That's different. What I'm saying is be fucking critical about it for once. Our generation is the kind of generation that once this SAG-AFTRA strike is finished, like let's say the studios and unions come to an agreement, everyone will be like "well I won't support the studios because of what they did to the workers and I'll never support them ever again" completely missing the point.

They'll inadvertently deprive those who need it the most just to "prove" that they're morally superior... somehow.

These people also disprove their own point, too. They get so tired of policing what they consume (or rather what other people consume) that they make exceptions for themselves. "Oh well they did that ten years ago" while they attack someone else who did the exact same thing at the exact same time.

A lot of people on the internet think that what you consume are your actions. That they somehow automatically determine the kind of person you are. And while yes, it isn't a mutually exclusive thing, it isn't a 100% constant correlation either. It's--surprise--a grey area.

People need to let go of extremes and relearn critical thinking (aka common sense). All it's been doing is causing a lot of in-fighting, leading to internal destruction across all boards.

Hey, please don't take this the wrong way, but. . .

Obsessing with making sure that everyone you interact with online is "good" and shares in all your beliefs and ideals, that you only have "good" hobbies and interests, that you condemn anything and everything even slightly dubious both internally and externally, that you stay away from all "bad" things in case they taint you, and similar behaviors are actually seriously unhealthy and may be a sign that you're developing or living with moral scrupulosity OCD or a similar condition.

I'm saying this as someone with OCD. It's not healthy to see everyone around you as corrupt filth and a threat to your own morals. That's an extremely dangerous mindset to have and to encourage in other people and if you're falling into those kinds of cycles, please get help from someone.

[ms-demeanor]

Hi Ms Demeanor. I read your recent news post and was wondering if you knew any websites/newspapers that have generally reliable stories, but aren't super overwhelming? I know I should be better informed on what's going on in the world and my own country (I'm American) in ways that aren't looking at what people on social media are mad about, but a lot of news outlets I've heard about have just so much stuff. Hopefully this source would be a stepping stone to later feel less lost. Thanks a lot

1 - Whatever your local basically unaffiliated news provider is. This might be a local paper, it might be a local radio station, it might be a local TV station, but it is NOT the local alternative weekly or the local talk radio station.

This is difficult because a lot of local media is actually owned by bigger, biased distributors (in the US this is Sinclair Media with broadcast TV, for example).

Start super local, as local as possible - there is probably a weekly local newspaper that prints three thousand copies that get distributed at grocery stores and your closest library. Start with that, whatever that is. That is going to be the place where you actually learn about what's going on with your specific city council.

From there, branch out to whatever free, good-ish quality websites are local. I'm in LA so look at KTLA5. I'll also read the Las Vegas Review-Journal and the San Jose Mercury News. Generally you're looking for something that isn't screamingly biased, full of talking heads, 24-hours, or paywalled.

2 - READ. Even if I'm looking at KTLA, which is a TV station, I do not watch the stories I read the headlines, click the links to the stories, and will investigate further. Usually TV stories are sourced from newspapers or stringers so sometimes this means clicking over the AP to read 500 words of a story that only got 200 words on the broadcast. But READ. Broadcast news, ALL BROADCAST NEWS, has a time limit. These days there is less of a restriction on story length in print because it's all online, so you will get more news by reading it.

3 - Go regional. Look at the big regional paper's headlines or maybe even get a subscription. For me this is the LA Times, for you it might be the Chicago Tribune or the New York Times.

4 - Go national. READ (do not watch) the headlines on a national news station. CNN or Fox is actually better than the New York Times for this. You just wanna see if there's anything huge that you're missing that's being reported on by a national outlet. Read the World headlines and the US headlines, and hopefully everything big has been covered by another one of the things you've looked at.

5 - Go international. Go to a news source from in a language you speak that is not specifically produced in your country and look at the "US News" section. I like BBC, Al Jazeera, ABC.Net.AU, SCMP, and AP News for this. It is fucking BONKERS how isolated the US is in our news when it comes to looking at things from an international perspective. Go look up some of the coverage of the 2020 election from the BBC. It's so incredibly useful to see how other countries are describing your country AND it's also useful to see how other countries prioritize and organize world news.

6 - Find someplace that publishes in-depth investigative pieces and read at least a couple of them a month. I'm talking LONG investigative pieces. Five thousand words minimum. Buzzfeed on FinCen or Mother Jones reporting on prisons or the DailyBeast covering Qanon kind of long. DEEP investigations. Read OLD investigations. Read new investigations. Read about people who went undercover at Amazon.

Break this up into little chunks. If you get overwhelmed by the news in general (i can relate!) just look at the headlines and a couple stories in your local area and then check out US headlines on the BBC.

You don't have to read everything, it's impossible for everyone to be informed about everything, but start by at least checking local headlines and then check US headlines from a source outside the US.

Honestly, really, seriously, Buzzfeed News is a pretty okay way to get started looking at the news. They have a good mix of very short, superficial stories and in-depth coverage and they usually don't have so many stories in a day that you'll get buried just refreshing the page.

I'm hesitant to endorse all of their coverage because a lot of it is inane celebrity shit, even on their news page, and they do some stuff that I cannot fucking stand (the editorial decision to perpetually refer to Qanon as "the quanon mass delusion" makes me want to tear my hair out) but overall they aren't bad. Maybe check headlines on Buzzfeed and then search the headlines that you're interested in from Buzzfeed on the AP site.

Anyway, I don't do this all every single day. I will usually read headlines on one or two sites every day and probably find three long-ish stories to dig into, but I try to rotate through a lot of sources and if something from one source sounds weird I will check it against at least three other sources with different perspectives. It is actually, genuinely extremely useful to see how Fox-the-news-channel is reporting on immigration compared to how Fox-the-entertainment-channel is reporting on it compared to how Al Jazeera is reporting on it compared to how the LA Weekly is reporting on it.

But yeah, if at all possible you should be reading news from a variety of local, regional, national, and international sources. Once you get into the habit of reading news it is actually pretty easy to stick with, and the more news you read from a wide variety of sources the better you'll get at spotting inconsistencies, editorializing, and the absolute fucking crime that is headline writing.

(I have been a person who writes headlines, but not in this utterly toxic online media environment and I do not envy modern headline writers but I also cannot forgive them; knock that shit off dudes that shit is an ethics violation)

Anyway, that's probably a lot. Good luck.

[team-council-two]

Question for alpha ! (ignore my name it's fine just don't read it no reason to)

It's not really about tf2 or anything,, but it's still a question !

So, I've been meaning to learn French, as I'd find it way easier to write fics with my favorite characters in them, and also super good bragging material /j

i just want to know where to start? DeepL translate has been a lifesaver, yes, but it is still a small bit weird, sometimes not. using the right words, like turning "surprised" into "scared and then "scared" into "frightened."

i think i may find it way easier to just. learn the language.

Advice?

what do you m

Yeah imma pretend i didnt see that

Anyways. How to learn French, huh ? okay so this will be long

DISCLAIMER

I *am* French so I never had to "learn" French to speak it or read it. So i in fact will be relaying advice based on how I managed to learn English.

You really have three options here. The decade long, bullshit, no money free way which gives you shitty grammar, the painful serious method where you bit the bullet and open grammar books n shit, or the somewhat sensical, fastest and most efficient and foolproof ableit possibly costly way.

the bullshit method is what i did. I was vaguely taught basic English shit like some verbs (do, can, be, have, etc) and a couple words here and pronouns and blah blah by school, then i went on the internet at the ripe age of 13 or some shit. I read in English a lot, tried to talk and slowly built myself a vocabulary half through plugging what words i didn't understand in a translation engine (NOT the full sentences, only that. It forces you to place the word back in a sentence and think about said word in its language), half through trying to vaguely deduce stuff by myself through context clues, and while I write in a somewhat understandable way I do not know how to pronounce any of what I write (i lacked actual spoken english having medias in my diet, due to being a subs-reading weeb and neither into american movies nor youtubers). Took a good decade to get where i am right now and the way i handle my sentences is. Errr. Uniquely fucked up. i am not aware of it at alls, so i cannot explain but. Yeah. Still. It can get you here, but that's a lot of time and not for the best result.

What you CAN pick up from this method and port over to the serious one is reading in French and watching French movies. Avoid internet users tho these bitches spell ça va "sava" yikes lol anyways. This is mostly because a language won't stick without some kind of interaction with it. This is a widely known fact so i'm probably pulling a sky's blue, bears shit in the woods here. Still, shit matters. Binge the fucking taxi movies and sit down in front of some goddamn Astérix. anyways the serious method is just this but you actually read up on how the language is constructed, with its technical shit. im not sure how to do this unfortunately so i cant provide much more

If you want to be serious you get a goddamn real person to teach you, to explain you, hey here's how you build a sentence, forcing you to talk in French and to remember words and their meaning and shit, and also sitting here for your questions, to point out to you cultural stuff, slangs and so on. Self taught can be a trap. Courses like Duolingo really are good solely for reminding you to practice and teaching you to identify some verbs/words so you can somewhat start reading and vaguely get your head wrapped around the pronunciation (tho it can be faulty i heard), but its teachings grammar wise are lackluster at best, and this fucking method seems to be consistent because these things just emulate the "if you read a lot of a language with the translation you learn it" stuff i mentioned earlier except even more isolating, and you wind up with people like my gothfriend that have a year long streak on French and that still feel like they cannot wrap their head around the language at all. So yeah. This is a supplement at best. I'm trusting Ray to follow up on this post to rant about this because they are a language teacher and they'll likely have more on the topic. I personally tried to learn italian, german and polish on this. Result ? I was using french as a crutch for italian, english for german, and couldn't get through a single exercise for polish. Total learned despite 100 day streak and doing the courses both in french and english : 0

As for translation engines, I personally use WordReference. It is hand curated, accounts for a lot of slangs, includes context clues, is wonderful navigation wise for tapping back and forth between words to see what they say, it has a forum for more specific questions... It never failed me tbh.

[nee-82]

My Si demon manifests in so many ways that it's sometimes impossible to believe that it's in fact a shadow function. It's always working it's way into my daily life. Due to having Si in such a low place and Ni as my dom, it is a real struggle to remember the exact details of things I want to remember but on the other hand, I remember insignificant details and bad memories which I try to make sense of in the most illogical and Ni dom way possible. Having such a drama packed childhood with hardly any memories to look back at without judging myself and my actions, I try to scrounge for the best of them but I don't remember anything. Sometimes I regret being someone with an affinity for the abstract because I literally forget faces, names, places because I want to only think about what it represents. My senses trigger past memories that I like or dislike and then I try to latch onto them or run away as far as possible. I can never learn from my past experiences but I don't like to repeat them. I've never been in one place mentally or physically. I don't know who, what or where to call home so isolating myself is the best and only comforting option. But I forget that I internally hold doors to demons I don't wish to unleash so then my Se Inferior kicks in. Which is great. I have absolutely no discipline and as much as i hate being restricted in that way, I sometimes wish I cared enough about myself and what I do, how i look, my health and what I eat. I am so detached from reality that I cannot make this idealistic version of me turn into reality. I involve myself into watching shows/movies, reading books to substitute my actual feelings with the feelings of fictional characters and stories just so I don't have to think about the trauma of my own life. I feel so overwhelmed by people and their pain that I wish I could take it away from them, while I completely forget that I have my own stuff to deal with. I love the functions that make up INFJs but as a whole its a fucking shit show to be an INFJ when you are unhealthy (I'm speaking for myself not every INFJ out there). God, i can't wait for the day I become healthy.

[castielcommunism]

this is confession anon again, just wanna say YES to everything you've said, I think my point probably got across poorly because I have a fever and my brain is not on it. it being a win is entirely because I remember how toxic and homophobic this place was back then, and how difficult it was to come to terms with being queer when there was such an abundance of animosity (even if you avoided the actors, it really radiated across fandom in a very unpleasant way). I've never been able to watch the confession in its entirety more than twice and the only reason I feel I kinda warmed to it is because of the fandom content it generated and having that "oh my god, this happened" realisation (timing of the pandemic also cannot be underestimated, I was deep in my own mental illness and was in such a bad place and fandom really brought so much joy to me all because of this shit confession), but I've been a cas girl for a decade and it. Stings. Like you say, it makes no sense and it feels undeserved narratively speaking, and it does a huge disservice to cas and his character, because like you say, it's not even about him? You're telling me he's gonna get killed off and never shown again and not only is he never gonna get told someone loves him or that he's important or that he was more than how he could help, you're gonna make his final moments of the show all. about. Dean. And I KNOW this is controversial and I really don't blame anyone for finding the confession healing or nice or whatever, but even as a textually queer love confession it is so oddly palatable for that I'm-not-homophobic-but-gay-sex-makes-me-uncomfortable crowd. It's in just saying it? Biggest happiness is coming out? I know berens is gay but god. I don't want to downplay the relief and joy and happiness coming out can bring someone, but surely so much of that comes from being able to DO things and LIVE and be WITH PEOPLE. Why should he act happy and grateful when he knows he's gonna die? The person he has spent twelve years loving from afar is finally gonna see him without the enforced distance and he's gonna die and it's unfair and tragic and maybe he allows himself to be happy, but it should be angry and bittersweet too. Alleyway scene vibes should have been it!!! (sorry I don't mean to rant and I'm not sure if I'm coming across like a complete idiot, I just. have so many thoughts and feelings about this)

Isolating a few points from this ask:

re: pandemic stuff - the confession was literally the perfect storm of bullshit like it literally could not have hit at a better time. one of the most depressing and soul crushing US elections in recent memory paired with the terror of the first year of the pandemic, and then you have supernatural do the most homophobic gay rep of a main character you could possibly ask for. like it really was a such a good time that I’m genuinely glad it was that terrible, if only for the funniest 48 hours I’ve ever spent on tumblr.

re this part:

And I KNOW this is controversial and I really don't blame anyone for finding the confession healing or nice or whatever, but even as a textually queer love confession it is so oddly palatable for that I'm-not-homophobic-but-gay-sex-makes-me-uncomfortable crowd. It's in just saying it? Biggest happiness is coming out?

I’m of two minds about this. one of the one hand, yes, this was the most homophobic & vague way of delivering a gay love confession. “It’s in just saying it” is Cas just settling for acknowledging his feelings. Not having them be reciprocated, not actually experiencing the good parts of coming out (living life authentically as yourself), just like, saying them to someone, which is imo the worst fucking part of coming out. Who gives a shit what people say! That’s not the fun part! I fucking hate that part! I know peoples’ experiences with coming out differ but jesus dude. this is theeeeee most bs nonsense non-rep rep ever. it’s NOT in just saying it, it should be in living it!

on the OTHER hand, I find that most people saying they thought the confession was just Cas reiterating that he and Dean were super duper BFFs or whatever to be wilfully obtuse and operating in bad faith. if it goes over the heads of some conservative dads watching it then like fine whatever, but if you’re aware that gay people exist then I find it laughable that anybody would interpret the confession as anything other than what it was, which was a confession of romantic love. Anybody who does one of those cutesy “I just thought it was an expression of friendship!” is being deliberately malicious and obtuse, which I’ve seen mainly from anti-destiel people. And like just be honest and say you hate it bro! It’s super easy! I do it all the time! To deny its clear romantic intent is a pussy position to take and I don’t want to give those people any sort of credit just because the writers were trying to have their cake and eat it too vis a vis The Destiel Debate.

And to synthesise these points, I think that’s exactly what they were going for, which is what you said - plausible deniability with the conservative dad crowd (who inexplicably still watch this show for some reason?) while also appealing to the gays who watch the show. It’s a pretty good sleight of hand, especially because it’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN LMAO. Why make Castiel Supernatural gay if you’re not actually gonna address the fact that he’s gay and in love with the main character of the show, whose final and ONLY emotional reaction to this confession was to sob violently on the floor for hours after Cas was perma-killed.

Anyway yeah largely agree. It’s a “win” in that we have textual confirmation of something that was a long time coming and very dear to a lot of people, and a loss in the sense that it was done in the most ridiculous, homophobic, and terminally depressing way possible. But at least the posts were good!

[marshmallowprotection]

I've read some hcs for seven on tiktok and ofc they were adorable. but this one stuck with me and it was like seven would probably blame all his troubles on mc and say that it's their fault he got into the mess and stuff (like he did in his route) even after they get back to living normally

and there was another one which said that seven is the kind to not go to therapy because he thinks he doesn't need it (we all know he needs it lmao )

I don't think I'd want to agree with these because whatever happened in his route was just because he wanted to protect mc and not bring her into his mess and as far for therapy, I think he'd try his best to go, so that he can work on bettering his relationship with mc and saeran, and himself.

I wanna hear your thoughts on this!

Frankly, it's insulting to Saeyoung Choi's character to say that he would lash out or emotionally harm his MC. I have a huge problem with people who whine and complain about the events during the apartment already. There are people who claim he was being cruel and vicious but did we even play the same game? Saeyoung was in the middle of having the biggest emotional breakdown and crisis of his life.

He was trying to push you away but he failed at every step. He's a good liar when it comes to anything but you. He kept trying to let himself speak to you and enjoy your company, but he pushed you away quickly because he is living with this fear that the agency will kill you, or somebody he trusted will hurt you. Look at what literally happened to Saeran in front of Saeyoung.

Would you be in the right state of mind after your brother tried to kill you and claimed he hated your guts? How would you feel after you'd given up your life for your brother's happiness, only to realize that the promise was broken and your brother was hurt, all the while you sold your soul for NO REASON because the promise was broken, and you cannot have anything good because the agency will kill you before it even becomes a thought?

He was mean but my God, he wasn't as mean as people claim he is in that incident. It's like people gloss over the fucking crisis that he is in the middle of. Yes, he was being a dick and that's not okay, but it's so exhausting to see people whine over not being given affection from him when he's having a goddamn breakdown. That's always been the toughest thing for me to digest in Saeyoung content.

Saeyoung and Saeran Choi, both, need therapy. Hell, everyone in the RFA needs some support and proper health care. But, the twins are both in need and it's literally something that I've been writing in the SE Saeran x Reader story, both twins getting therapy and help with what plagues them. It's as easy as saying, they've got false papers for their identities and Jumin can cover for them through his company to get what they need emotionally.

Saeyoung will never blame you. Never. There may be moments when he closes himself off again and gets frustrated, but he's not going to blow up at you. He struggles with self-isolating and self-loathing, but that's something that he is going to work on. He's not going to left his new life suffer, he wants to be Saeyoung Choi, a healthy man who is doing his best for you.

That means going to therapy to address his trauma.

That means trying to help himself get into a swing of a normal life. That means making changes, things that are both good and tough because living a free life means knowing that it's okay to be afraid of change, but it's also okay to make choices you know will make you happier in the long run, even if they're hard to choose.

He's going to have bad days and make mistakes, but he's never going to look you in the eyes and say something disgusting deplorable.

TLDR; god, stop saying that Saeyoung will lash out against his MC and refuse to help himself because if you think that's the case, did you even play his route?

[allofthefeelings]

In your commentary on Stranger Things on Twitter, you mentioned the way the show presupposes allocisheterosexuality about El despite that she was fully removed from "normal girlhood" socialization most of her life. And yeah, I've had problems with that since s1. The show has an unfortunate tendency of treating her as Nerd Boy's Dream Girl rather than fully examining the reality and trauma of her experience.

Oh jeez, yeah.

If you don't follow me on Twitter you may not know that I kind of watched... all of Stranger Things? I'd finished the first three seasons of In Treatment, the new In Treatment wasn't starting yet, it was a whole THING.

Anyway.

I have been thinking about this a lot, because on the surface El should absolutely be my character. She's a kid, extraordinarily gifted, isolated and abused so her talents can be exploited, who figures out how to fight back. And there are parts of El's storyline that I really, really like. But I'm overall frustrated with her narrative, because... wait, this gets long. And has spoilers for all three seasons. And talks about Billy's plots so CW for multiple kinds of abuse narratives here!

First of all, the things done to Eleven don't make logistical sense. I am ALL IN on an evil governmental/science conglomerate kidnapping special children and torturing them into using their special powers against their enemies. Characters overcoming that is my catnip.

But for El to be useful, she needs to function as more than just a tape recorder! We see this when she mindwalks to people but lacks the ability to know what things mean- she doesn't know what Illinois is, for example, or why the girls with Billy might be screaming for non-terrible reasons.

(BILLY'S PLOT IS AN ABOMINATION, YOU DON'T PORTRAY A BULLY AS AN ABUSED KID AND THEN HAVE ADULT WOMEN WITH KIDS HIS AGE LUSTING AFTER HIM ONE EPISODE LATER. But that is a whole separate post.)

El not knowing what a friend or a promise is may make her interesting for the show, and interesting to a bunch of teen boys who've just discovered her, but it limits her usefulness to the evil government! Like, it's great she can crush a can with her mind and listen to people from any distance but if she doesn't understand what they're talking about, you have no guarantee she's going to come away with the important information, and then this poor child once again has a nosebleed for no fucking reason. It's painful and cruel to her, which I accept they don't care about, but it's also INEFFICIENT IF YOU'RE A MAD SCIENTIST. Like I get that evil scientists aren't great with the long game but this is shoddy evil science and that offends me.

ANYWAY.

They make El a very "born yesterday" character, but it's not consistent how. She can speak and understand others, she can perform tasks, she's very good at violence, she has a moral code established despite the evil scientists who were the only people she interacted with (who could have just... raised her with a moral code that fit theirs, no harm no foul? THEY'RE VERY BAD AT EVIL SCIENCING). She had a friend, Kali, but doesn't know what friends are. She understands parental figures- she calls Brenner "Papa"; she knows who "Mama" is- but her feelings about parental figures don't seem at all impacted by how "Papa" was abusive. All of this combines to make her feel unmoored, as a character; I don't have a baseline of how she's understanding the world, and because we perceive her through the boys, it's really hard to find firm footing.

And then season three. I get that what we see is a lot of El trying to figure out what she likes by trying on other people's preferences for size, and that makes sense, but we never see her growing, so much as adopting one person and then another and then another. As you mentioned me complaining about already, in season three her desires match perfectly with those of a stereotypical allocishet teen girl from an 80s movie. And yes, Stranger Things is an 80s movie pastiche, but the boys are allowed to move beyond that in terms of what they want; El doesn't. She wants to make out with her boyfriend with the door closed, even though this has no rebellious value when you weren't raised with these values to begin with, and the soundtrack to her mall trip (which Max even SAYS is about figuring out what she wants, not what other people want her to want) is Material Girl! LIKE SHE'S BEING MATERIALISTIC RATHER THAN FIGURING OUT WHAT SHE WANTS!

(ALSO THIS SHOW IS CLEARLY LEANING ON HAVING AN ADULT AUDIENCE, SO PLEASE STOP SHOWING KIDS MAKING OUT, IT'S VERY DISQUIETING.)

Let's also talk about how the scenes with possessed!Billy kidnapping El are absolutely chock full of rape imagery, when El is a child, Billy is shown as abused by his dad and abusive to Max and kidnapping his fellow lifeguard and objectified by all the women at the pool, and yet El's fear doesn't reflect that. Even if El doesn't know pop culture, she clearly knows danger, and it's like the show doesn't recognize that even a young teen girl is aware of predatory behaviors because it's impossible to live in the world- even in a sheltered world limited mostly to an evil lab and a cabin in the woods with a TV- without knowing.

MOREOVER, El exists less as person than as a deus ex machina; every season, things get dangerous and she has to hurt herself (those constant bloody noses cannot be pleasant) rescue everyone else over and over while no one appreciates her. She wants to stop the bad men but we don't have a grip on exactly why she knows they're bad (besides trying to make her kill an animal, but I come back to why does she have the morality to know she shouldn't? and how does she know anyone else in the world is better?) and while I actually am fully on-board with a kid being raised to see herself as a tool lacking self-worth because she was never taught to value herself, the narrative should be contesting that! And it's not! And I don't understand!

All of this works if you only see El through the boys' lens, and only see El as an accessory to their story. But for El to be a character, rather than a nerd's wet dream, she has to have her own motivations and her own code. We get tantalizing glimpses of it- more from her time with Max than with anyone else- and we see her comforted (by Joyce and by Hop at different times, also DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HOPPER IN S3 IT IS A PROBLEM), but I feel like the show wants her to be mysterious to us because she's mysterious to Mike and his friends, without bothering to make that mystery consistent enough to root her.

I want El to be my character so badly, because she has all the pieces I normally gravitate to- and let's be honest here, River Tam and Natasha Romanoff and Micah Sanders don't exactly get fully fleshed out in their canons either- but she doesn't fit together for me. They've simultaneously given us too much and not enough, so she's a series of tropes that I can't Frankenstein together into a story for her that takes into account both her knowledge and her lack-of-knowledge but doesn't explicitly reject pieces of canon we've been given, which were supplied more in service of Mike's story than of El's.

And that makes Robin, Erica, and Kali all far more interesting characters to me, despite every instinct I have that El really really really SHOULD be who I gravitate to.

[borom1r]

Strahm asks!! I am thinking abt him too fhxjsjsbsb. Um!! I Know I have asked abt this b4, but I'm not sure I asked this in particular: in the circumstances where Adam is able to make a connection with Eric AND Strahm, do you think Strahm and Eric wld Also be dating? I think they'd at least get along, and I've been thinking a lot lately abt how they're both so fiercely protective of the ppl they love, and how they express that in very similar ways tbh!! They've been on my mind a lot!!

oovjdjfj Yea.. yea hard agree that they are very similar in their fierceness. ik it’s smthn I’ve touched on vaguely on my old Adam blog but that’s part of why I’m. so attached to them.

Eric is the big strong dog who isolates you from other people, who puts himself between you and the world, gnashing fangs and all. Strahm is.. mirrored from that; not so much Big Dog but just as much a sanctuary. I could hide in the space behind his ribs.

I think as far as them actually dating.. mmn. I could definitely see it. i could see Eric joining their vigilante hunt. he is irreparably broken + you know what. he deserves revenge. but I don’t think it’s something he does for himself. he does it because if something happened to Strahm or Adam and he wasn’t there, he couldn’t bear it. he HAS to be in the thick of it with them, because he is not his own priority. love is.

and I’ve touched on it before but that’s definitely not smthn Strahm is used to, having someone actively desire to protect him. and I think that’s something Strahm wouldn’t be ready to acknowledge for a while but it would very much weigh on his mind. Eric doesn’t infantilize him, it’s not that Strahm can’t protect himself + Eric has acknowledged that fact, but he cherishes Strahm.

it starts as a mutual desire to protect Adam, im sure. they’re both very guarded and very hurt, though Strahm can bury it in a way Eric absolutely cannot. and I don’t think Strahm quite knows how to be gentle in the way Eric needs (the way Adam is). he can be downright cruel when he snaps and he knows it, has almost chased Adam away, but not Eric. both because Eric doesn’t have that same inherent fear/urge of “they’ll come to their senses and leave no matter what so I might as well run them off” — Eric knows he’s a fucked up mess and if they’re here that’s their prerogative. they’re adults. but also because he can see through Strahm’s act. it’s the same act he used to put up, the same bitter anger that came when he felt like every goddamn thing was out of his control.

I think Strahm struggles a lot with the fact that he just can’t push Eric away at first. He CANT. and it’s almost frustrating, until one night Strahm says something nasty and just can’t bring himself to take it back even though god, he wants to, and Eric tells Adam “go get some air” before looking at Strahm. the kind of look that could strip a man’s flesh from his bones. “I know what you’re doing. Cut the shit.” Just, tired, fed up with Strahm because he’s BEEN that person, and worse. He walked that path to the bloody, bitter end and if it hadn’t been for Art and/or Rigg he would’ve fucking died. because of Jigsaw, sure, but also because of himself.

metaphorically speaking, Strahm is the kind of person who picks at scabs simply because he hates how long it takes to heal, and because maybe part of him would rather have a scar. where he and Eric differ is that there’s intent when he lashes out, conscious or not, because he’s picking at those scabs. and he can’t quite bring himself to look at Eric, while Eric gets himself a beer out of the fridge and asks a question that cuts right to the core. “Do you really want to drive him away, or are you just scared of what he means to you?”

it’s a painful question to try to answer, because yeah Adam’s tenacious enough to work past Strahm’s petty guarded bullshit but Eric sees him in a way Adam doesn’t. and Strahm hates that he still can’t find his voice because Eric is still looking at him in that unsettling detective way (another thing they share), before finally turning away and saying something that lives in the back of Strahm’s brain for a while after that: “It’ll be safe soon.”

Every time he wants to snap and drive either of them away, It’ll be safe soon. It’ll be safe, and you won’t feel the godawful need to isolate yourself in order to protect others. you won’t have to go to bed terrified tomorrow will be the day one of us dies. you won’t have to spend hours patching wounds in the bathroom without much more than spit and a prayer. Soon, Jigsaw will be an afterthought. Soon, you won’t religiously check your phone each hour for your partners’ “I’m safe” texts. Soon.

but that night, when Strahm finally manages to form words, as Eric takes a sip of his beer: “I don’t want to be the only one left.” (something Hoffman had said to him. a blessing for a monster, something he thought he’d always be fine with but he’s not, not anymore.) Eric sets his beer on the counter but doesn’t let go, arm sideways, on the edge of Strahm’s space— not so direct an invitation to be frightening. Lets out a breath, glances sideways: “You won’t be.” so quiet, so sure, like their futures aren’t all total fucking mysteries. because maybe Eric isn’t an optimist but after so long in hell he has to believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if Strahm can’t see it. even if, sometimes, he can’t either. and Strahm can’t find a good response, doesn’t trust himself to try to speak, but his fingers lace together with Eric’s as they close around that cool bottle of beer, and maybe he’s okay with being understood. maybe he’s tired of picking scabs.

[illnessfaker]

How do you feel about going to therapy or seeking psychiatric help in general as someone who is anti psychiatry? I'm still new to it and ik one doesn't equal the other (being anti-psych and not interacting at all with it) but I feel like I need psychiatric help still and idk how to feel about that. hope this isn't too much

i mean you're asking someone currently going through the admittedly arduous process of finding a therapist with sufficient experience in treating patients with did/osdd-1 (maybe it would be less arduous if i didn't live in rural shitville "city" 5 hours away from anything) because as it turns out counting to 10 when you're mad or talking about your problems doesn't do anything about the dissociated part of myself buried deep in my psyche who repeats over and over that god wants to kill them despite how i stopped believing in god when i was like 16-17 or something.

that's a pretty snarky answer i'm sorry but what i mean to emphasize is that psychiatry can be ethically fucked without it being unethical to seek out psychiatric services just as the medical industrial complex can be ethically fucked without it being unethical to regularly see a physician. the issue is that psychiatry as an institution and an ideology enables and even sometimes encourages horrific violence on an individual and systemic scale. you're a subject of the tenets of psychiatry (so to speak) by wanting to see a therapist, a shrink, going to a psych ward, or anything else like that, rather than being someone upholding said tenets or being an agent of psychiatric violence.

part of that violence is some people do need psychiatric services, or at least what they theoretically promise. recovery cannot happen in isolation. i thought i didn't need therapy or that it would never work for me because i was just fundamentally uncooperative but then i learned that i have ~multiple personalities~ and chronic dissociation that made therapists trying to work with me in the past like they were knocking on a door (me) but nobody was home and i'm glad that was it because uneducated therapists working with dissociative patients in the sense that i am can do a lot of unintentional damage. so, unless you're lucky enough to easily find a therapist / shrink / whatever that works well with you right off the bat, many people often spend years being subject to (re)traumatization at the hands of ignorant or even outright malicious practitioners and psychiatric staff in both outpatient and inpatient services. the very system that is supposed to help them and provide support is instead making their lives magnitudes worse. this isn't even going into like, the economic violence of how expensive a lot of these services are and locking someone in a psych ward after transporting them in an ambulance from the emergency room and then the massive bill that comes after all of that.

that being said, this isn't a discouragement from trying to seek psychiatric services - i personally feel like i have no real choice and i encourage others to seek out "help" should they desire it and should it be an actual option for them, and that's coming from someone who's experiences so far in therapy have been somewhat retraumatizing and also who's been locked in a psych ward against my will at a young age with the alternative being "police escort" during a time where i was being abused at home (but of course clinicians couldn't pick up on that despite me basically admitting it to a therapist one time.) just arm yourself with knowledge and awareness and a healthy level of doubt and critical thinking regarding "abnormal psychology." also don't be like the self-important dipshits on social media trying to like weaponize the concept of therapy with "go to therapy" as more than some gotcha comeback thing but also somewhat of an ideological belief, although that's thankfully died down.

i've gotten an ask like this in the past and my answer is mostly the same - just a different and more unhinged perspective now that i've realized and come to terms with some stuff.