#or (3) him talking to me about my future or some kind of intellectually stimulating topic

[elytrafemme]

i have had TWO successful interactions with my father today. this is unprecedented

[scapegrace74-blog]

New Ways of Turning into Stone, Chapter 3

A/N As promised, Jamie returns in this chapter.  He has an appointment to keep, after all.   Because I can’t think of anything more creative, this chapter is entitled “Second Appointment”.  For previous chapters, your best bet is to check out the story on my AO3 page.

The week both crept and flew past, like one of those dreams in which she ran until her lungs burned, but never managed to get anywhere.  Kinetic motion trapped in amber.   Claire never did tell Geillis about her excursion to Corstorphine Hill over the weekend, embarrassed by how it had ended.  

And now it was Thursday.  She’d opted for a protein smoothie for lunch, a meal with no chance of leaving leafy residue between her teeth.  It was likely wasted vanity.  As two o’clock drew near, she bargained with herself to abandon any hope she may be harbouring.  Jamie Fraser had shown no interest in participating in the psychiatric process during his first appointment.  Fraternal obligation had brought him to her office once, but he didn’t strike her as a man who yielded the reins of his life easily.  It wasn’t likely he would return.

When it came his distinctive knock, crisp and insistent, caught her unawares, even though she’d just been staring at his name in her planner.  She hastily pushed the items on her desk to one side, patted uselessly at her curls, and called out for him to enter.

“Good afternoon, Doctor Beauchamp,” he greeted cautiously.  “Miss Duncan told me tae come straight in.”

There was something different about him today.  His clothing, certainly.  Instead of casual wear, he wore trousers and a button down, wet splotches over the shoulders attesting to the fact that it had begun raining again.  And while he still took up an inordinate amount of space in her small office, he seemed... diminished, somehow.  A paler echo of the fireworks display of his first visit.

“Of course.  Please have a seat, Mister Fraser.”

“Jamie, if you will,” he corrected as he settled gingerly into the armchair.  “Mister Fraser was my Da.”

Something about his tone and the fact his laser blue eyes wouldn’t meet her own as he spoke the words caused her to lean into his statement.

“Did your father pass away recently, Jamie?”

A moment, an indrawn breath of panic, and then it was cleverly masked with a wry glance.

“Aye, last year.  An’ yer no’ very subtle, doctor.”

“I didn’t realize subtlety was called for,” she parried.  “You made another appointment, and I specialize in grief counselling.  Why else would you be here?”

Despite the fact that it wasn’t productive from a psychiatric point of view, she enjoyed his reluctance to hastily expose his inner demons.  Too often, her practice required her to work carefully in order to avoid shaping the pliable emotions of her patients.  While obviously hurting, Jamie had an unflinching, unalterable quality that she admired.  Not to mention that the intellectual game of cat and mouse they were playing was wildly stimulating.

“I suppose I enjoyed our conversation,” Jamie teased.  “An’ Miss Duncan’s shortbread.”

With an awkward squint that she imagined was meant to be a wink, her patient rose to investigate the current offerings on her tea table.

“Och, petit fours!” he exclaimed with childlike glee and perfect French pronunciation.  “There was a café none too far from my flat in Paris tha’ made these.  I’d often grab some on my way tae the office.”

He returned to the desk with a small plate of the pastries, pushing it towards her as he settled into his seat.

“No, thank you.  I’ve just eaten.”

Like a searchlight, his bright eyes didn’t miss much.  He glanced significantly at the half-empty plastic smoothie container to one side of her desk.  Rather than chide her for her austerity, as Geillis frequently did, he instead made a show of biting into each of the four little squares until there was nothing left but crumbs.  Her stomach muttered in complaint.

“What did you do in Paris?” she asked as he finished his snack with a contented sigh.

“Oh, a wee bit of this and that,” he demurred.  In response to her exasperated look, he continued, “I started out at the Bourse.  Futures, options, arbitrage, that sort of thing.  I have a good ear fer languages, sae from there I went into foreign exchange.  Import export, and the like.”

“You’re a financier?” she asked, somewhat more incredulous than she ought to be.  She wasn’t certain what she had pictured James Fraser doing for a living, but greasing the wheels of capitalism definitely wasn’t it.

“Was,” he corrected.  “I quit an’ came home tae Scotland last year.”

“When your father died,” she guessed.

“Aye.”

She once again had the sense of standing in front of a locked door that Jamie had no intention of opening.  Rather than hammer uselessly on its stubborn surface, she nimbly diverted the conversation sideways.

“What do you do for work now?”

A slow blink followed by a dawning smile indicated he was aware of her stratagem.

“I’m a carpenter.”

It was rare for Claire to be truly surprised by people.  She made a living reading their unspoken cues.  Twice in the same conversation was unheard of.

“A carpenter?” she repeated as though she hadn’t heard him perfectly well the first time.

“Aye.  Like Jesus, ye ken?”

With a quicksilver grin, Jamie launched into a description of his current occupation, which involved the making of reproduction antiques and custom pieces for clients around Scotland.  She realized with a start that she’d read an article about his business in a popular local magazine.  

International financier.  Self-made entrepreneur.  Tall drink of water.  James Fraser had a lot of things going for him.  And yet here he sat, paying her by the hour to listen to him avoid talking about whatever hardship had befallen him.

She mentally composed a list of the topics he was deftly avoiding with his charming anecdotes.  His father’s recent death.  The reason behind a radical change in career.  Living in the city on account of unspoken ‘family obligations’, even though his verbal reminiscence of the Highlands was so poetic it damn near made her cry.  There was something raw just below the surface of his nonchalance, and her innate curiosity cried out to find out what it was.

“You told me last week that your sister, Jenny, insisted you attend counselling.  But you said that you’re handling matters fine on your own.  Can you tell me why your sister believes otherwise?”

It might have been amusing to see such a large man squirm in different circumstances.  His left hand furrowed through his hair, setting the autumn waves on end.  His mouth, so recently relaxed and mobile as he eagerly shared the details of his craft, froze in a pained frown.  She considered whether she had pushed too hard too soon.

“I gave a lot of thought tae what ye said when we parted last week,” Jamie began at last.  “Tae be honest, it haunted me.  Jen kens me better than anyone, an’ while I like tae complain tha’ she meddles where she doesna belong, the truth is she’s truly scared fer me.  An’ even if I dinna agree tha’ my lifestyle is cause fer concern, I owe it tae her tae try tae sort myself out.  I owe her far more than that,” he finished with a rueful shake of his head.

“What kind of lifestyle has your sister so worried?” she probed.

“Whisky, women and song,” he quipped, before adding, “Weel, I canna carry a tune, but twa out of three isna half bad.”

He tried to smile away the awkward tension that descended on the office, the air ripe with unspoken words.  Claire felt disappointment whirlpool in her gut.  Just another charming rake, after all.  It really shouldn’t matter, and yet somehow it did.  More than she dared to admit.

“Yes, well, the road of excess leads to the palace of consequences, ” she sniffed at last, angry at herself for sounding like a schoolmarm.  What a bore she must seem to him, with her regimented behaviour and rigid morals.

Jamie rose abruptly, and for a half-second she imagined he might lunge at her, or storm from the room.   Instead, he spun around to face the door.  Without a word, he untucked his shirt and began to expose his lower back.

Claire was momentarily stunned silent.  Just as she managed to draw a deep enough breath to censure Jamie for his highly inappropriate strip tease, the golden velour of his lower back transformed without warning into a furrowed landscape of scar tissue, ripples and craters left by some massive trauma.  The air left her lungs on a questioning sigh.

“I ken all about consequences, Doctor Beauchamp,” he stated.  “I live with them every moment of my life.”

Her fingers found the knotted skin, surprisingly warm and mobile beneath her touch.  A shiver shimmered over the unmarred muscle of his flanks.

Before she could find any appropriate words of apology, the office door opened and Geillis stuck her head in.  She barked a cough upon seeing Jamie’s state of undress and Claire’s position, leaning across her desk.  Doctor and patient jumped apart like opposing magnets.

“Sae sorry for the interruption, but yer three o’clock is here.  Should I tell her ye’ve been... delayed?”

Jamie muttered an obscenity under his breath which Claire whole-heartedly seconded.  There was no way Geillis wasn’t going to be utterly insufferable about this.

“Mister Fraser was just leaving, Geillis.”

With a lewd wink and a nod, the door closed.

“Look, Jamie...” she began just as he apologized.  “I’m sae sorry, lass.”

They both laughed nervously.  Jamie finished tucking his shirt into his pants and turned to face the desk.

“I hope this willna cause ye any difficulties with Miss Duncan,” he began, eyes wide with concern.

“No more so than usual,” she sighed. “Geillis is a good friend.  She just... doesn’t know when to quit, sometimes,” she explained.

“Sounds jus’ like my sister.  Perhaps we should introduce them.”

She smiled, struggling to find something else to say to move past the moment.  She could hear Geillis and her next patient conversing just outside the door.  There was no time left for subtlety.

“Will I see you again next week, Jamie?” she asked, giving up on finding a more oblique way of phrasing the question that was reverberating through her mind.

Jamie’s bashful smile dipped towards the floor, causing his hair to fall in front of his eyes.

“Aye.  I’ll even keep my clothes on, if ye ask nicely.”

It was that smile, that hair, those eyes, that carried her through the rest of her week, aloft on the anticipation of something utterly forbidden.

[infjparadox]

The types I know in real life - as an INFJ

The ISFJ father.  Growing up, he was a bit of a micro-manager, and both of us were so stubborn that our J clashed pretty hard, especially when he pushed me to complete scholarships and laborious things that would benefit my future.  He ALWAYS wanted to do some activity together (sports, outings, family gatherings, etc), and in my teen years, I just valued creative, independent pursuits (he didn’t understand the value in those hobbies at the time - now he’s my cheerleader).  Since graduating college, we’ve become good friends, although he still over-does and over-plans everything.  We share similar values regarding our interpersonal relationships and work, as well as a similar sense of humor, and I can get that intuitive conversation out of him by asking him to tell me stories about his childhood.   He’s a fantastic storyteller. 

The INFP mother.  My mother is a kind (but anxious) woman and a fantastic role model. She’s super creative, but also incredibly introverted.  I remember she’d often tell me to find a way to entertain myself growing up (probably driven mad by my intuitive inquisitions), and that led me to many of my independent hobbies, like drawing, music, and film. (And possibly resulted in a love language of quality time, lol I love attention).  As an adult, I can now claim her as my best friend.  We can talk for hours about the abstract, ideals, and emotions.  I tease her constantly, and we laugh ourselves to tears.  

The ENFJ sister.  Confident, idealistic, and a blogger type.  We don’t get along very well, but I blame it on her not being a very matured or healthy ENFJ (and she’s been diagnosed with OCD, so there’s that).  When she’s in a positive place, we joke that we have ESP because we always have similar thoughts / reactions to interactions (Ni) and we both enjoy a lot of the same hobbies and creative pursuits, but we value those experiences differently.  For example, she loves movies for the emotions and her ability to relate to the characters, while I love them for the storytelling, the script, the cinematography, the character arcs, etc.  She loves people and organizing parties / social events.  She’s also that person on Instagram sharing all the inspirational quotes.   

The ISFP boyfriend.  Charming, easygoing, and well-rounded. Appears as an extrovert to an outsider, but in reality, he just enjoys activities that engage the five senses and his close circle of friends. He’s the absolute best at living in the moment, and he knows how to pull me back to earth and to see the more rational, objective side of things.  Loves working with his hands, and has about 3 million hobbies, from skiing to biking to working on cars to making music to photography.  Sensitive to criticism, but loves playing the devil’s advocate.  Sometimes he can be incredibly impulsive, and other times, he’s hesitant to commit to future plans or big decisions (depends on what his Fi is telling him).  Values authenticity and independence above anything else.  Very capable of deep and stimulating conversation, but does better on lower rungs of the abstract ladder that are rooted in science, physics, conspiracy theories, politics, or something he can contribute facts and real world experience to.  Dislikes conflict and being put in a box.  Other than the INFP, the only other type who does not drain my energy tank.  I’m confident that we’ll be lifelong friends and soulmates, come what may.

The INFP friend.  We clicked instantly while studying abroad, and we were able to talk for hours about anything and everything, while respecting one another’s feelings.  Super easygoing.  He’s one of the best listeners I’ve ever met, and he always asks me questions that feed the conversation.  Musically inclined, authentic, and frustratingly neutral about some of the topics I care about so passionately.  He’s also one of the most aloof people I know -- and he absolutely sucks at communication.  But even though I haven’t talked to him in 7 months, I still consider him one of my platonic soulmates.  

The ENFP bff.  Another soulmate.  A total goofball, selfish at times, but also a martyr when it comes to those she loves.  She’s one of the few people who have truly attempted to understand everything about me and pry me open -- almost to the point that it’s uncomfortable.  Loves talking about emotions (extensively). Judges people based on their zodiac sign, but she’s also incredibly insightful, perceptive, and “street” wise (she learns a LOT from her experiences / mistakes).  She can be flighty though, and her goals change as swiftly as her attention span.  Gotta love her.

The ENTP bff.  A witty friend who will always offer me a stimulating conversation - whether it’s teaching me about historical fashion or exposing me to new concepts and ideas and political theories.  We can talk for three hours straight, but by then I’m incredibly brain-fried (and she could just keep going?!).  Up for a good natured debate whenever - less good natured when someone pisses her off.  I’m fairly certain I’m the only person she is completely honest with about her feelings (she struggles SO hard to open up).  She loves to travel and experience new things, as well as host parties and game nights.  She’s both a planner and a completely "in the spur of the moment” human being.  Hates willful ignorance and stupidity, and does not care about keeping the peace. I disliked her at first for her bluntness and arrogance, but now I love her to pieces.  Soulmate, for sure.

INTJ friend (long distance).  Very, very prickly to others, but warmed up to me instantly.  Arrogant, albeit extremely logical and intelligent.  Loves memes, biology, and good television.  Adores her girlfriend and gushes about her often (one of the rare instances where she’s a total fluff ball).  Kind of a dick, but also very funny and 100% there for companionable silence or intellectual conversation.  Enjoys being in a group of outcasts and detests most people.  We had a lot of weird things in common and joked about being long lost sisters, and I valued her promptness / dependability!  Her negativity kind of wore me out though (we were studying abroad, and she was homesick for most of it). 

The ENTJ boss.  I no longer work for her, but man, what a powerhouse.  Direct and blunt to a fault, but incredibly motivated and ambitious.  Will get things done, no matter what.  Big idea woman, not so great with the details and how her plans will actually (realistically) be implemented.  SO, so organized and anal, and yet somehow kind of a mess.  Surprises me when she’s emotionally vulnerable because she’s incredibly intimidating and intense.  Loves hosting parties and cooking for her coworkers / neighbors.  Those who are close to her know she has a good heart, but she can seem like a total b** to an outsider.

ISTP coworker.  She’s good at multitasking, and yet she runs late constantly.  Intelligent in the way she asks questions for clarity and a better understanding of a concept.  Calm, collected, and logical.  Creative and impressive in her projects (home remodel, upcycling crafts, etc).  Conversation is a bit surface-level at times and mostly centers around her day to day life experiences or family drama.  She’ll often ask me about my life and then tune me out because she quickly grows bored, as do many other sensors, rip T_T.  We’re a good team, though.

These are my personal experiences with / observations of particular individuals whose type I’m confident about, but they do not represent everyone of the same type.  If anything, I think this goes to show the range of personalities within a function stack.

[bootlegsymphony]

Being Hopeful [a *personal* Komahina writeup]

*major Danganronpa 2/2.5/3 spoilers ahead*

Someone told me to gather my thoughts into a post so here it is.

Note: Unless you’re up for a challenge to potentially reshape your opinions towards certain ships, if you think Komahina is by default a toxic ship in anyway shape or form, or if you firmly believe that Hinanami is “bestest Hinata ship OTP owo”, it’s not in your best interest to read this post. I’m not suggesting you are invalid or wrong, but you’re likely not the group of people I’m looking forward to having a constructive and evoking conversation with.

First off, I might have been recognized as an avid Komahina shipper, and my opinions towards Hinanami could be generally summarized as ambivalent/mixed/minorly favourable. I was able to acknowledge Hina/Nami’s relationship as of roughly equivalent significance in regard to DR2’s theme.

But it was impossible for me to consider the two relationships narratively equal, I was able to notice that Koma/Hina was a “meant to be” endgame relationship right of the bat, yet Hina/Nami reads as this transitory experience of an obscure puppy love, or “yeah that happened” that’s melancholic and beautiful. Evidently, the narrative strongly favoured Koma/Hina in terms of screentime, development, complexity, compatibility, and endgame potentials.

I wasn’t too confident about why Komahina screams an ultimate destination of a Hinata relationship to me, yet Hina/Nami never convey a remotely similar message. In many aspects, I didn’t ship Komahina in the past for the sake of “I want Komaeda to savour happiness” but placed more emphasis on “it would be wise for Hinata if he could ascertain that his future is with Komaeda”. However I couldn’t elucidate why I thought so.

But due to some unexpected changes in my personal life, it was so effortless for me to reach an epiphany why Hinanami couldn’t quite be the same Hinata-OTP as Komahina. And now I’m kicking myself for not being able to be more adamant about it earlier.

In short, I had a brief taste of how “true bond” or “true connection” functions. It was an estranged, uncharted experience to me prior to that “sudden change”. And in retrospect it’s unimaginable how I survived that bitter life of pure bleakness without it. But since I was able to discern the characteristics of a “true bond”, Koma/Hina, while being excruciatingly complicated and bitter in canon timeline, had a great foundation for that nonetheless, while Hina/Nami was, fundamentally “deficient” in this specific department.

Hina/Nami, either the DR2 or DR3 iteration, doesn’t go beyond being a fine relationship. It’s not bad, as adolescent crushes are typically not bad. It’s functional and somewhat sweet if Hinata was just some normal shy boy who at some point met a nice caring pretty girl. But a great, monumental relationship doesn’t come from being just fine, and Hinata is much more messy than a such-and-such average joe as what a part of the fandom preferred to project him as.

But Hinata wasn’t an adequate rival and foil for Komaeda, that ridiculously multilayered character likely in all fictions for nothing.

For starter, Hinata committed Izuru Kamakura and countless war crimes, for fuck’s sake.

I had this pessimistic outlook that humans aren’t truly designated at birth to understand each other unless they are. Real life Nanami being the talented, worthy Ultimate Gamer she was, even if she could acknowledge and validate Hinata’s struggles as a talentless person, and brought him some temporary comfort and solace, she could not understand the full spectrum of complications the struggle itself entails. Being the kind and somewhat compassionate person she was, she’d try to understand Hinata if he ever decided to open up, but she’d likely just go “yeah talent doesn’t really matter you should just be confident in yourself” as long as she’s not some Ultimate Empath like Makoto (or Junko) all at the same time. To her, Hinata’s decision to Izuru-fy is unfavorable, but not particularly tangible.

It’s somewhat similar to a moderately affluent person not knowing what an impoverished/economically-challenged life entails, they could never understand why it’s necessary for anyone to opt for crimes and prostitution and shit, if you could just “yeah money doesn’t matter you should be happy” your way out of it. Why is it necessary to choose a life path of crimes and prostitution? Why is it necessary to Izuru-fy oneself? It’s the perpetual predicament of mutual understanding in humankind. No matter how sweet and wholesome on the surface that ship appeared, Nanami would hardly ever reach Hinata’s soul beyond skin-deep, if the talent/worth debate, the rigorous societal expectations, the everlasting emotional quagmire of being under-loved and under-appreciated...everything which gradually carved out Hinata’s pivotal character (that we know of) from his embryo, was a non-issue to Nanami at core.

If there was a portion of Hinata yearning for true connection in an intimate relationship (which I doubt he didn’t), his relationship with Nanami would eventually turn insufficient or dissatisfactory, despite feeling nice on the exterior.

Normally, people don’t realize they’re empty until they’re fulfilled.

But who else struggled immensely with the entanglement between talent and worth throughout their life? Who else once resolved to obliterate their own precious being in pursuit of an almost delusional ideal of hope as Hinata did, so that they could potentially speak to Hinata on the deepest, hidden stratum of his soul?

Komaeda.

It always pains me to read Komaeda’s first FTE where he suggested Hinata’s ultimate talent could be “Ultimate Serenity” because Hinata granted him some inner peace “just by being there”. Knowing Komaeda’s mind it’s a nearly impossible feat to make him feel peaceful. Komaeda likely didn’t even consider that a legitimate talent, he inwardly viewed Hinata “being there” as inherently valuable but he couldn’t even tell. Yet Hinata failed to just, be there, be existent.

And, I always considered Komaeda sustaining himself being alive to be a monument on its own, yet 2-5 happened, for Hope, I believed.

I once had a mentally stimulating talk about how emotional and intellectual transparency lead to a solid foundation of “true love” among people with someone before. They even expressed, months ago, that if Hinata could just speak up about his problems with Nanami he wouldn’t have necessarily Izuru-fied himself.

Yet even being the aloof and reserved fucker he was, Hinata wouldn’t camouflage himself in front of Komaeda. Komaeda saw through him even if he was having a hard time deciding on how he should have felt himself. He voiced, various times throughout DR2, that “we have similar scents” “I thought you would understand me” “we’re both miserable bystanders” “I couldn’t see you as completely separate from me”. On the surface it seemed like Komaeda was being cryptic and dragging Hinata to his level, but given how we knew Hinata took even more drastic measures as escapism, were they even that different?

It was why exactly Komahina dynamic was so embittered and resentful in the canon timeline. It was not hatred, but involuntary intimacy. Hinata was emotionally stripped naked (sorry, not to evoke any erotic visualizations, just a convenient metaphor) when it’s not even Komaeda’s intention, and Komaeda’s always emotionally naked. It didn’t turn out well not because it was a fundamentally dysfunctional dynamic, but they simply met each other in the worst, most despairful and unluckiest timeline possible. With continuous manslaughters ongoing, it’s only palpable that baring your soul to someone as dangerous as Komaeda would be intimidating, but it still had that mesmerizingly entrancing aura, especially in Komaeda’s last FTE.

They had no choice of not knowing each other well.

Unless either of them died, which they both did. But an ultimate future was born and they were granted a second chance to finally reach the destination they deserved.

In a post-HPA scenario, Komahina was not only somewhat contextually implied as Hinata’s endgame, but it was deliberately set up as a generally hopeful relationship as well. Kodaka once suggested in an interview that post-HPA Hajizuru inherited Hinata’s emotions, so that he was able to sort out his considerably complex feelings for Komaeda as it left off; meanwhile with Izuru’s analytical skills and insights into human psychology, it would likely become not as cumbersome. With Hinata’s determination and persistence it would hopefully not only cure Komaeda’s terminal illnesses, but also “heal” Komaeda from his hope fetish and other cruddy coping mechanisms, with all the support and dedication Hinata could provide. Hinata, being emotionally identical to his past self, would likely occasionally experience insecurity and low self-esteem as well, and it could require Komaeda’s weird little method of presenting challenges/creating minor inconveniences for Hinata in order to help him build up self-agency and develop infallible self-assurance.

It’s kind of the Ultimate Love that survived all the trials and tribulations, and to think of that the Ultimate Tragedy gave birth to the Ultimate Love, huh, seems about right for our two Ultimate Lucks.

[call-me-merlyn]

I found a list of my favorite things you ever said to me. I cried in a way that I haven’t since I was a small child- broken by my parents’ words, mistakes, and anger. I curled my knees to myself and remembered that I can do hard things. I started to wonder where we went wrong. Because my feelings for you never changed. But then I realized that was never the issue. These words I read now ring as true today as they did over the four years you wrote them. But I want them back. I want you back. I want pragmatism and growth. I want to talk about the hard things and work them through. But I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you anything because you don’t want to hear it. Because you’re hurt and you want space. So if you stumble upon this blog- the one I told you not to look at all those years ago- I will let a few snippets of your words remind you. Mind you, these are 12 out of about 30.

1. Baby. I want the future with you. It just hit me so hard. I want the visions I have. I want us and I don't see that changing. We are the most beautiful couple I have ever encountered. Not just because we're both convinced the other is drop dead gorgeous, but because I see such magnificent potential in us, together. We are that rare couple that could actually have the dream life that everyone wants and fears is impossible or that they don't deserve it. Health, happiness, adventures, perfect children, successful careers, growth and excitement, cuddles, intellectual stimulation, respect for each other, kisses that leave us breathless, freedom, good friends that we both care about, a lovely home, a dorky dog or five, all the sex we can handle, our families coming together wonderfully, and true fucking love. I want it all with you and I believe that we can have it with all my heart. Ugh I want it and I'm so excited to build towards the future we want. With you. Every damn day, one day at a time.

2. Morning love. To build a home? I'll always like yours more. I'm binging your music this morning. Speaking of songs that make me cry. Night in shining armor? I love that whole analogy. Your words are one of my favorite things about you. I love the music that spills from your lips, whether you're singing or laughing or reading or teasing me. It's all heavenly music to my ears. I'm so proud to be your person, your once and future someone. I love you so much. The dark times have passed baby, you brought the light back into my life.

3. This one's hard to explain. I've never met someone who is such a clean harmony. Your identity, your character, is a beautiful, pure chord. Every interaction I have with you I hear that resonance, and the notes weave together perfectly. That chord resonates with who I am on such a deep level, and I could hear it from the very first moment we interacted. I want to listen to that chord every day, to hear it form your melody, day in and day out. Puzzle out it's layers and listen to you add more. And to play my own song to match yours, to create our own wonderful song in this life.

4. You elicit feeling so well with words, sometimes it makes me feel inadequate

The way you express yourself so effortlessly

Because I've always prided myself on communicating verbally

But it comes pretty effortlessly to me too

Especially when I talk about you

I know I keep coming back to this, I'm sorry

But it resonates so strongly with me

To imagine you as a song, chord, or melody

The way your music weaves with mine

Haunting, ethereal, and divine

You make my eyes and heart shine

With love and affection, at my most painful times

When I can't feel it about myself

You come to my house and put happy memories upon my shelf

I want to show you how much you mean to me

So that you will always see

You are my light

And in the middle of the night

When I roll over and feel your breath

On my neck, I don't fear death

Because a life next to you is a life worth living

The love I have for you is a love worth giving

5. I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and to be honest that show really means a lot to me. I'm not sure why I bonded it with it so hard, it feels kind of silly in retrospect, but I did. In the episode, the main character runs into the girl who left him at the altar for another man, and they talk about true love and who you choose to be with. And the guy has an open moment about his yearning for that special connection that people find so rarely. That spark between people that's so unique and magical when it occurs. The song Careful by Michelle Featherstone plays in the background. I'm sure you've heard it, and it just pulled at my heartstrings. Maybe listen to it as you read this? Bc I am as I write. It makes me think of you. I've said it before, and the words fall flat, but I'm so damn grateful for you. Every piece of you. The fractals, the perfectly formed little moments of unadulterated Merlyn, that come together to form this perfectly cohesive being of fucking light. You know me. And I don't like to admit that I falter, or that I need help from anyone. It goes against what I've been trained to be by my father, my experiences, and my own cynical nature. Before you walked into my life...I wasn't entirely happy. I was missing something. I could feel it. And it made me ache. I went looking for it everywhere, even though I wasn't sure what it would look like when I found it. But I knew how it would feel. And you... you rescued me. From my own damn self. I'm prone to loneliness for a number of reasons. I'm solitary. I like to be independent. I'm proud. I can be harsh and judgmental. I get exhausted by humanity. I can be very sensitive when I'm vulnerable, and I don't like to give more than a handful of people the power to touch my heart. But since you walked into my life? I don't have to look anymore. I have never felt such constantly genuine, gentle, fierce, and unselfish support from anyone. Not from my parents, not from friends, my cousins, my lovers. No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever been so unyieldingly loving. Every time I have trusted you with more of my heart and my self, you do your absolute best to make me feel valued and loved. No matter how that best manifested, I have always felt your effort. You are always careful with my heart. I used to carry around this utter, soul crushing feeling that I missed someone. Someone vital. But there was no one to miss. And I didn't know where to direct that desire for connection. I got lonely because I wanted someones company...that I didn't know. But since I met you, I haven't felt that even once. I have only rarely felt lonely, and even in those moments, it was because I fucking missed YOU. Your laugh, your touch, our connection. And that's such a revelation to me. To know the face of the person I feel I've been missing all this time. It's been you. I love you, Merlyn. You are an unparalleled treasure to me.

6. God damn it Merlyn, I have so much love for you. I'm so lucky to have you, the thought of losing you is a nightmare. I want late night quesadillas and then to push each other to eat right. I want to scoff at each other's baby names until we get to ones we both love. I want to be your shoulder to lean on, cry on, or try to dislocate with a kimura. I want yours to be the same for me (maybe without the kimura bit?) I want to sing duets with you and write stories on lazy Sunday afternoons. I want to make you grin and I want to make you bite your lip. I want to hear your breathing every night when I go to sleep. I want to put Tristan on my shoulders, have a debate with Chris, try to get your cat to like me. I want you to cuddle into me and let me hold you at night even when I get hot because you're the most precious fucking thing in the world to me. I want you to train with my dad and shop with my mom. I want to get drinks with your mom and laugh at your dad's dirty jokes. I want to travel with you, go jet skiing on tropical islands and throw snowballs at each other in the mountains. I want to walk around crowded cities with you until I get too anxious but you tell me to chill out and stop being such a baby about it. I want to hear my daughter call you mother. I want to see you spin like you did when I first walked you home. Nothing brings me more joy than the thought of sharing the little moments, the big moments, and everything in between with you. Nothing is worth jeopardizing that future for me. I love you with all that I am. Count on it.

7. I just read all your words top to bottom and they hit me hard. I've been looking at them as bits and pieces. One day, one note at a time, not a tapestry. All together in one sitting, I can just feel where your heart was, and maybe still is. I hope it still is in some ways, because I've never been loved like how you love me. Not with such admiration or surety. I've never been wanted the way you want me. It makes me feel simultaneously unworthy and determined to live up to your love. It breaks me to feel the pain in your pen strokes. I want to wrap you up in my arms and fend away anything that would ever make you cry. I hate myself sometimes for making you cry. It breaks me every time, a corruption of my purpose. Every time, to read the simple words "today was hard..." It rips me apart. I love, live to see you smile. To laugh with you. To make music with you, whatever the form. I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, my darling. It's never my intention. You are my most precious gift, and words fall short of expressing the breadth and complexity of my feelings for you. They boil down to what you've written over and over again though: I want this life with you. I want all the complications, all the routine days, all the late night phone calls, and the adventures. I want to walk around knowing we have the same last name. I want you. Endlessly I want you. I wish I could pull a fragment of that feeling out of my chest and give it to you just so that you'd understand. God I miss you. I love you. You are my partner, and I hope that stays true for the rest of our lives. I can't say it enough. You are everything to me. I want you to express every part of you, never stop, because I love them all. Every mellifluous note in your melodies, every word of poetry in your fascinating mind, every fierce moment on the mat, every tear that falls in your fragile, vulnerable moments. I want to be there. To give you love and to be the best partner I can be. For you. God I can never say enough

8. Kay I'm heading to bed so gonna write this out. It's difficult. Love defies definition by its very nature. Which is a paradoxical statement right out the gate but whatever. I started writing my response in a philosophical approach but it didn't feel right. There's no need to ramble about Forms or essence or any of that philosophy mumbo jumbo. All that matters is how you opened my eyes. I used to think that love was about passion above and to the detriment of everything else. I used to think that love and pain were joined at the hip, inseparable. I used to fear that love was a curse, a burden, a surrender. I used to think that to fall for someone was a trap, and that you were taking a terrible gamble by giving someone the power to destroy you. I used to think that relationships were ropes and that love was a noose. I used to think that love was jealous, demanding, forceful, combative. I used to think that love was sporadic and messy. I used to think that there was no true, sustainable happiness to be found. You've turned it all around. Hell, you've upended the board and thrown away the rulebook. You've shown me that love is a balance of passion and choice, that they should play off each other build each other up. One is useless without the other. Passion will burn you out, but so too can you drown going through the motions. I've been through both. You're the only one that has struck the balance with me. You've shown me that the only necessary pains from love are the growing pains. I've been given and dealt horrible wounds, been through wars. Our relationship is the only one in which both parties can put their weapons down. You've shown me that love is a tank of oxygen when you're drowning, a shoulder to lean on, an investment. Trusting you with my heart has liberated and empowered me. I believe that trusting me with yours has done the same for you. We use that understanding of each other to lend strength, to give joy, to protect. You've shown me that relationships are lanterns and that love is the sun. You lit up my world. You've shown me that love is generous, thoughtful, gentle, supportive. You've shown me that it's steady and pure. You've shown me that happily ever after isn't just in storybooks. It's attainable. We have an obligation to chase it. We've been given a gift. And I will be grateful for it for the rest of my life. I will cherish it. I will cherish you. You've given me everything. You are my true love. Goodnight I hope you sleep well

9. Darling, gorge yourself on my love

I pray to God that it’s enough

To fill you up and keep us above

The water line of that rising slough

Darling, gorge yourself on my heart

I pray to God it’s what you need

Ignore the pain in the darker part

Come home again to me to feed

Darling, gorge yourself on my mind

I pray to God it’s what you want

Those angry echoes you may find

Don’t let them drive you from this haunt

Darling gorge yourself on me

I pray to God I’m what you crave

I know I’m flawed but I can be

The one who saves you, the one you save

Oh darling, I’ll gorge myself on you

On your mind and body, heart and soul

So darling, gorge yourself on me too

To keep us human, keep us whole

10. I want us to be tethered by the sea, to back each other to the hilt, to paint the walls red with love, to get lost in the light. Baby I promise I will take true care of you, tell you that some things last, and know you better than your piano. Because you found me. You came out of nowhere, you made me fall in love with a single touch, and this ain't a haunted house no more. I can't take my mind off of you. Only you can help me to forget the terror that comes and goes in waves. You keep me warm, and I know that all will be well and we'll be just fine. So don't give up love. Three more months, flyin your way home to me. We'll be inches apart and even closer at heart. So send me your location, cause I'm jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. Put your eyes on me, and I know a place that we can get away. Say you won't let go, tell me it's real, and let's go somewhere only we know. We won't need to take our clothes off to have a good time, but I'll get the lights and you lock the door, cuz we won't leave that room til we both feel more. Cause I see it all without the lights. No one will ever see you the way my eyes do. You are something to behold. Elegant and bold, you are unforgettable. You are the fire and the flood. Last night I woke the fuck up, realized I never wanted anything so much as to drown in your love. If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I feel life for the very first time: love in my arms and the sun in my eyes. Ohh I fall apart, and I can't help falling in love with you. I still can't believe that I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me. At (college). I made a fumbling play for your heart, and the act struck a spark. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and beyond. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to you and go straight into your arms. I'm in love with all that you are.

11. You always wonder about the future. What makes you different from the others. There are infinite answers, but some of the biggest ones are that..you make me understand and feel things that people always say but never mean. Until you, I've never truly wanted all of someone. And I mean it when I say I want ALL of you. I am in love with every inch of you, every word that comes out of your mouth, every little habit, every quirk. I have wanted every piece of you in every moment that I've known you without fail. I have never adored anyone or anything so much. You are perfection to me. In the truest sense of the word baby. You make the cliches make sense. You make them feel not cliche. It's incredible. You make sense in my bones. I am so in love with you. I can picture nothing more glorious than a life with you. That's how I know you're the one. Because it's obvious. And when it's right, it should just he obvious. Easiest choice in the world.

12 Goodnight ____. I hope you sleep well. I really enjoyed hanging out and listening to you play tonight. I know you were half joking about how I should be paying you compliments, but your music abilities really are such a gift. It always makes me happy when you use them. You get this energy about you that’s so wonderful to see. I’m listening to your soundcloud stuff again now. Been a while since I’ve done that, haven’t had access to the account for a bit. I wish you had more of your stuff on here. It’s all so lovely. It always makes me think about us. You don’t seem to care for it much, but especially To My Future Someone. I hope I live up to all you dreamt I’d be when you wrote those words. I hope to the gods I’m the one you sang about. Because you are everything I ever wanted in a true love, and more. Things that I didn’t even know I needed. You’ve made me a kinder, much more grateful man. And a happier soul. You deserve the best in this world, and I’ll always do my utmost to be him. I’m so in love with you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, my light. Sweet dreams.

When did the thought of losing me stop being a nightmare? Because the hurt was never more than this. Never more than this love. You said in another snippet that you’d do anything to be the person I built a home with; you’d do your best to be the my person and to never hurt me. But you don’t want to be with me. And you chose your nightmare over your dreams. And I still choose you. I still chose you every second of every fucking day. It was my nightmare too and I’m living it.

But, I’m changing. I’m harder now. The tears don’t fall quite as easily as they used to. And at least I know who I am now. I am a warrior. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am new. Don’t think 8 weeks can change someone?? Come see me again. I’ll show you exactly who I’m not anymore. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my love for you.

And if you want to lose these words and this love, so be it. I won’t fight you. I won’t fear you or that anymore. I don’t want to be the only one fighting. I can’t. And I won’t be afraid of my worst nightmares because they have come true and even though I pray I won’t lose you, nothing in this life is certain. If you don’t want to fight, I will be someone else’s light someday. And I will shine unashamed; unabashed; strong and sure. I will bring beautiful children, music, and love into the world. But until then, I’ll be my own light, and set my darkness aflame every morning, just as I have since the day you left. After all, there’s not much darkness left anymore.

[lordsicheng]

The ideal types of The Boyz (1/3)

*disclaimer at the bottom of the post!

This part will be covering Sangyeon, Jacob, Younghoon and Hyunjae. Other members will be posted soon!

Sangyeon - Venus in Libra, Mars in Virgo

someone who is charming, kind, confident

someone who is respectful, he sees this as an important aspect he sees would want in a partner

he generally is attracted to the more feminine side when it comes to fashion style

think cute dresses, light makeup, all the aesthetics really

he might also be attracted to anyone who was inclined to the arts! may it be a painter, a designer, a musician, etc

he also would like someone he can connect with on a very friendly level - likely to have a “friends to lovers” type of relationship with someone

considering his Venus sign is ruled by Venus itself, the planet of love and beauty, he can be quite the romantic when it comes to relationships

added with his Mars in Virgo (usually I only add this for the more sexual/instant types of attraction), he would be attracted someone who was more practical and loyal, somewhat a little bit independent. however he would also like someone who was dependable to him, just not overly clingy

he can slightly, just slightly, tend to be the clingy type (he also has a Leo moon)

i also see him liking someone with an elegant style, this could add as an instant attraction as if someone were to “dress to impress” than “dress to express”

his venus squares his jupiter, it’s likely he’ll fall for someone within his circle of friends and would approach them through the lightest to even the deepest of talks, slowly falling for someone he can connect with 

his venus opposites his saturn, which can go either way but i see that he may possibly fall in and out of love easily which can be conflicting. he wants to love someone but doesn’t know when he can admit it to them or even sometimes, to himself. this can also denote that if he was in a relationship, he’d be too “sacrificial” and a giver, sometimes forgetting his own needs which can be concerning 

another aspect he has is that his venus trines his uranus, may want to have a relationship with a unique flair or doesn’t want to be tied down for too long. if he wants to go on long-term with someone, he may want lots of freedom as well

Jacob - Venus in Gemini, Mars in Virgo

we all know he has a bit of a shy nature and I believe this is from his Pisces moon (and possibly rising sign), so someone who he could confide to with anything definitely 

i personally don’t think he is particular when it comes to looks, like at all

but if we were to put it, someone with a clean and preppy sense of style could fit his taste

I see him as someone who would fall in love within his circle of friends as well or would want to be friends first with his future partner, although he can be seen as a “player” at first (Gemini venus thing? idk) but he actually just wants to fall for someone close to him first

because both Gemini and Virgo are ruled by the Mercury, the planet of communication and the mind, he is definitely gonna want someone he can talk to about anything and everything

intellectual talks, serious talks, 2am pillow talks

would fall for someone who was very interesting to talk to as if he’d want to talk to them for hours

someone with good morals and is respectful of those around them

someone honest and has a sense of loyalty, someone who can actually tie him down for whenever he becomes “flighty” 

i personally think with his Pisces moon and Gemini venus, both makes him possibly have had lots of crushes, without realizing (Pisces) or just that he is afraid of admitting it (kinda common for some Gemini placements) and just lets it go as if he doesn’t know a single thing about love even though he totally knows

but having his Venus in an air sign, he can be very playful and talkative

with his Virgo mars, he would want a stable relationship where he sees himself committing to someone for a really long time

his venus and mars square each other, which can show that he can get a little bit sensitive (along with his Pisces moon), would want and need emotional security but can sometimes afraid to admit it so it’s very important for him to be with someone understanding and patient

but on a good note, his venus trines his jupiter, making him someone who is very generous and giving, so i see him as someone who would value his partner’s happiness very much and would do anything to make them happy

Younghoon - Venus in Virgo, Mars in Libra

this is very interesting because this shows that he is actually quite the romantic guy who just wants to find someone he can be with for a long time

yes, his Virgo Venus can be slightly, just slightly, have some sort of “high standards” as people would say

but it doesn’t mean he’s picky

he’ll search and search until he can feel like finally feel like he’s got the connection with someone at one point

in fact, because of his libra mars, he could probably be one of those types who would date often and would have a hard time trying to find “the one”

in terms of attraction, he’d like somewhat of a person with a very friendly vibe and who is very good in taking care of themselves

remember when he said his ideal type is someone with aegyo/who is cute? yes, usually Venus in Virgo men like partners who can tend to be on the feminine, cutesy type who are also great nurturers

he just wants someone who he can take care of and who can also take care of him and look out for him, as well as support him

he also would like someone who gives their all in what they do, someone who always is sure of their own efforts

seeing that he has venus conjunct mercury, he sees communication as a basis for his future relationships

it’s possible he is also the “friends to lovers” type, however he wouldn’t know until he feels like he has fallen for anyone he already knows

it also shows that when he falls in love, he will be very loving and appreciative of his partner’s efforts in their relationship

he might also write a song about them in the future, as if his partner was his muse!

he just wants to be loved, nurtured, and appreciated so someone who has a very kind heart who isn’t afraid to voice out their opinions with him would be fitting

Hyunjae - Venus in Scorpio, Mars in Scorpio

lol we have the same venus and mars sign

something tells me he would like someone who was somewhat of a femme fatale

someone charismatic, magnetic, mysterious. heck, he might even fall for someone who he knows is dangerous for him

take care of yourself boy

on top of that, he would definitely like someone who knows what they’re doing and isn’t afraid to show their sexuality

once he falls he actually won’t be as direct-- he either throws around some hints or just ends up staring at them for too long, too obviously

but let’s say that for once, he would like someone who was more on the cutesy type-- very possible

someone that can just sweep him off his feet and not be afraid to let him take the lead

cute and yet has a very daring side iykwim *winks

anyways, behind his loud and playful persona is actually a dark and intense lover

Mars is the traditional ruler of Scorpio, so yes, the intensity and directness that exudes from the signs already ruled by Mars can be evidently seen when this particular sign is put into Venus and Mars, aka their relationship quirks

Since Scorpio is now known to be ruled by Pluto, this shows that their energies when placed in Venus and/or Mars are of a secretive nature

i’m probably mind boggling people right now but for short-- he wants to feel all sorts of connection with his future partner, emotionally and physically

i won’t go in too deep, but yes you’ll know what he’s gonna be looking for with his partner in the future since he sees this as a very important part of their relationship, yes

lowkey, he’s gonna be the easily jealous and possessive type

but he’s very protective and will sacrifice so many things for his future partner!!

he has moon square venus, a harsh aspect that shows that he may come off detached and would crave a partner ever so often in his life, sometimes he might get into relationships without thinking about the consequences first

he also has venus sextile mercury, would value lots of communication and mental stimulation with a partner. may also charm his way to his future partner’s heart 

ayayay, he has venus square uranus which can be conflicting but we wouldn’t really know. he will possibly get into short term relationships or ends up messing around with his dating life, in which he shows he wants independence and personal freedom in relationships. this aspect is also shown for those who don’t really feel like getting married and would go for the more non-traditional ways of being with someone for the long-term (living together, etc)

he has venus square neptune as well, might have problems of showing or growing his self-image when in love and may show a different persona from the beginning to midway. this also shows very strong selflessness when in love, would also denote that his insecurities can be shown and blown out of proportion during a relationship which can cause conflicts with his partner (because for short, he could have a hard time loving himself first before anyone else 😭)

Disclaimer: Take note that I discussed their ideal types in terms of their Venus and slightly their Mars signs, also slightly how they will be like when with their partner/when in love. I’m also not an expert and I am only speaking of my own interpretation and of a friend’s who has practiced astrology for five years.

If you ask me why I added their Mars sign for the hyung line instead of just their Venus in comparison to the younger ones, it’s because it also adds through their basis of physical/sexual attraction and also their impulse for when they feel like they’re feeling a “magnetic” kind of attraction to someone. Usually we only look at Venus as a basis since it helps us know what we find beautiful and attractive, Mars helps on the magnetism of attraction if you may. Idk if I’m making any sense, but yes you may research it more if you may. Google can help.

This may vary and I am viewing this through astrological placements. They may also have personal preferences and personal lifestyles to take note of, so this will go either way. It doesn’t always mean that astrology and these interpretations are 100% accurate. This is only to give you guys a bit of an idea and so.

[elven-ariaera]

Start from a previous chapter:

Entry 1: Welcome to Citytown

Entry 2: Well, the town’s still standing

Entry 3: Fishin’, Diggin’, and Choppin’

Entry 4: Bad day? Shopping helps. 

Entry 5: Celebrity Edition

Entry 6: I don’t like you like that! 

This week has been quite the roller coaster.

It’s been so long since I started this journal and my wonderfully weird adventures in this town. I’ve grown fond of my land, my authoritative power, and even my neighbors… Well, most of them. But then everything changed in the blink of an eye.

It all started when Friga, one of my long-time residents had decided to move. I decided to go to her house and help her pack to spend some quality time with her before she left. When I arrived at her house, she had told me about an embarrassing packing mishap that we had to fix. Oh Friga, you lovable dunderhead…

As we reorganized her boxes filled to the brim with shoes, I couldn’t help but ponder — Friga doesn’t wear shoes, so why does she have so many? At this point, it’s best not to ask questions and just get her out of town as soon as possible before I start thinking too hard about it.

It wasn’t long before others followed her example: Ankha, Beau… That other guy. So sad to see everyone go. The only one who remains from the beginning of my reign as mayor is Antonio — who is legally bound to this town. I will not let you leave my dear, sweet, Antonio.

Several new citizens moved in almost immediately. I suppose word of my magnificent Citytown is getting around. The first new resident was Julian, the blue unicorn — or I suppose you could say, blunicorn (my gosh, I’m hilarious. I should tell him this superb pun).

I always make it a priority to visit my new residents and help them settle in and occasionally snoop through their personal belongings. Apparently Julian has already made quite the impression on everyone that very day as he is a very big deal in this town.

We hit it off pretty well and we made a plan to get together the next day at his house. Apparently, I made quite the impression on him as he greeted me in the most shojo way… Why are all the men in this town so into me? They should know by now that I’m a one anteater kind of girl.

I’m not so sure about how I feel about Julian anymore. Besides, he has pretty strange taste in music.

The next resident to move in shortly after was Gala the pig. I don’t mean that offensively as she quite literally is a pig. She’s a sweet girl, and pretty cute too… Again, for a pig. No offense intended.

I overheard her and Wolf Link the other day speaking about some very intellectual topics, which was rather unexpected given her rather carefree nature. I was quite intrigued with what she had to say.

However, when I later began to chat with her, I found her slang to be a bit jarring — as did she.

She’s still a good kid though. Wolf Link and I even invited her to join us for some stimulating outdoor exercises.

 I think I’d like to have her stay a while, which is more than I can say about… Well, we’ll get to him later.

My third new townie is named Annabelle. She’s an armadillo I believe, and if not, close enough. I, like always, tried to get to know her a little better to see if she meets my expectations for citizenship in my town. She seems normal for the most part, aside from some… odd hobbies…

  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t engage in a little chopping every now and then as well…

  She followed me around the rest of the day, which quickly got on my nerves. Whenever I tried to have a nice conversation with someone she would just stick her nose into our business! Literally! Have you seen that thing? It’s huge!

Regardless, she seems mentally stable enough to reside within Citytown for now… Unlike Mira. Remember her? Ugh. She still visits — and I swear something goes missing every time she does! At least it’s not as bad as when Quillson visits. How I despise that duck. What a creep…

Anyway, then he showed up.

After Beau left there was a vacant space to the left of my house. It was so open and free! I had been stuck between him and Ankha for the longest time and now that they’re both gone I could move about as I pleased — maybe even plant those blue roses that I’ve been wanting to grow for the longest time — but NO! He has to come and ruin everything!

Chief.

That low-life, knock-off, smug little wolf! From the moment we met, I knew our relationship would be a bumpy one. A local? How dare he not know who I am! This is MY town, bub! 

Who does he think he is? Fang! That’s who he thinks he is! This little brat just goes and copies Fang all the time, trying to pull off that charming attitude as his own! It’s sick! That handsome fool! Even Fang himself caught onto his little scheme and I’ve never seen him so mad before!

I consulted Antonio for advice, because he understands me so well — Like no one ever has.

However, instead of resolving the whole Chief situation, I instead brought up some internal trauma that Antonio has been enduring lately. Such a complexed individual.

So instead I turned to Whitney for advice. She is my go-to galpal, and she always has a wise word of advice whenever I need it. We had a long talk near the cliffside about how to calmly and collectively rectify the situation at hand.

We finally settled that there was only thing we can do, handle the problem like adults and summon the ghost who lives in my attic to get rid of him.

  …Did I never mention that I have a ghost that lives in my attic? Oh, well, I do. To make a long story short, I found this lamp and took it in my house because, ya know, it looked neat, and a ghost popped out. Anyway, with a little convincing, my ghost pal will take care of this Chief fellow within the next day or so. He’ll never know what hit him…

  Oh no, he’s onto me!

  All and all, I think I handled all the new residents (and ex-residents) rather well. I should get a promotion. Super mayor! Yes. I’ll speak to Isabelle about this during my next meeting. Have I ever even gone to one of those? …Huh…

Regardless, after this mad rush, things have been seeming to calm down around Citytown with only a few visits from that annoying Gracie character. What’s her deal anyway? There’s nothing wrong with the way I dress… I think the villagers might form a mob soon. I fully support their decision.

The future does look bright again for Citytown now that Chief is gone and my new residents are settled in and mingling about… Also, I found Antonio’s swimsuit bag, which is always a plus.

Read my residential review here!

Thank you for taking the time to check out my work!

If you’d like to see more from me, check out my Instagram, Deviantart, and Facebook Page!

If you would like to support my work, please check out my Patreon or my Etsy Shop!

It’s been so long since I started this journal and my wonderfully weird adventures in this town. I’ve grown fond of my land, my authoritative power, and even my neighbors... Well, most of them. But then everything changed in the blink of an eye. Start from a previous chapter: Entry 1: Welcome to Citytown Entry 2: Well, the town’s still standing…

[ajokeformur-ray]

For the matchup thing

I want to request for Phantom of the Opera, Harry Potter, Hannibal and Sherlock, if it’s not too much of a trouble. I just started following your blog and I am absolutely smitten. I’ve already read all of your imagines, and I can’t wait for more to come.

Anyway, I identity as female, I’m pansexual and I’m a Gemini ENTP Slytherclaw.

Appearance: Well, my icon is actually me. I’m Asian, around 5’ (153 cm), I’m pretty thin(ish), but athletically built with some muscle. I have really dark brown eyes (near black), and black hair. I look very intimidating when I’m not smiling, I also smirk a lot.

Interests: Reading, mostly science or historical fiction, also a few classic literature and philosophy books. I love to draw too, I’m better at pattern stuff than realistic sketches. I also write, mostly fanfc for my friends, but I enjoy writing essays and poetry about topics that I’m interested in. Likes: Making people laugh, crying over videos of dogs, dogs, cats, animals in general. Intellectually stimulating conversation, late night talks about philosophy, physics, space, debates. Aesthetically pleasing stuff, making people happy, feminism, spreading love. Sassing people, punching Nazis, surprise people by my strength.

Dislikes: Nazis, racists, homophobes, sexist etc. Random people touching me (friends are totally fine), mean and rude people (especially those who shout at servers in restaurant). People who say things that are contradictory, people who bully others. Look for in a relationship: cuddles, people who feel strong, solid, and steadfast. Reliability and trustworthiness are pretty important to me. Preferably older than me, because I like feeling safe and having protection. Someone I could go on adventures with, or teach me new things. Also a bit of possessiveness and jealousy.

A little more about me: I speak Cantonese, Mandarin and English fluently. I have been learning French and self teaching Latin. I’m going to start German classes soon. I love singing, I’ve been in many choirs, for around 8 years. I’m a first soprano, and going to a choir festival/competition in Germany last month was the best time of my life. I have been fencing semi professionally for around 10 years. I fence epee and foil. When I get angry, I sometimes cry. Like that time in primary school I saw some guys bullying a lower grade boy, and I got into a fight with them, and I was so pissed I started tearing up.

Sorry if it’s too long, I tend to start babbling on and on. Thanks for doing this!!! 😻😻😻

Thank you for such kind words! :) I saw you in my notifications and I was a bit surprised by how much you read, but flattered. Also - ohmygoodness thank you so much for the tip! It was incredibly generous of you! <3

Edit: You asked me to make your matchups longer. Pieces I’ve added on are in italics, to make it easier to see where I’ve gone from. Hope you like this length! :)

Hannibal - Alana Bloom

- You’re a bibliophile who reads a lot of different genres of books. You’re artistic and your hobbies are relaxing but self-expressive. Alana would likely want to read some of the essays you write, though she wouldn’t go behind your back to read them if you said no, and she’d encourage any academic interests you have. If you ever got curious about the field that she works in, she’d probably pull a few strings with Jack to be able to take you to her workplace and show you around, though it would be on a day when it’s relatively quiet and they don’t have any immediate cases or paperwork to attend to. If there are any book/cafe fusion places near you, it’d be your most popular place for a lunch date, even if there’s a drive to get there.

- After a day working, I think Alana would enjoy coming home to you, a bottle of wine and any pets the two of you would have. You’d curl up on the couch together, knees touching, and talk about the subjects you’re both interested in or even anything and nothing all at once, and just bond over the deep conversations you have. She would want to hear your views on everything, even taboo subjects that some people don’t like to talk about, such as Death Row (this is also linked into her field so she can gauge how much you agree with or disagree with her profession). Anything you disagreed with would become a lightly-heated debate, both of you respecting the others’ point of view. If you couldn’t at least calm the debate then you’d agree to disagree and leave it as it is.

- She’s compassionate, strong, and sometimes stubborn in her opinion when she thinks she’s right. She’s perceptive so I think to begin with, she’d ask you if she can touch you but as you get closer, she’d stop asking and go off of body language. Alana is a fast learner and the two of you would quickly and easily fall into a pattern of touching each other casually - a hand on the shoulder when you walk past, a hand on the small of the back as you pass through a door to a shop or restaurant... It’d be very relaxed and low-key, especially in public.

- Alana is so strong and she’s more than capable of looking out for herself and others. She’s fiercely protective of those she loves, like you, and she goes kinda cold when she’s angry, a contrast to your tears. She’s incredibly trustworthy and would be willing to teach you things, if you asked her to, though it’d depend on the subject and how much you want to know. But either way, she would do her best to teach you or show you whatever it is that you wanted to learn. She would also be really good at encouraging you to stick to a goal or deadline, either for educational or personal matters.

- You can speak some of the hardest languages to learn and that’s pretty damn impressive and shows only a sliver of your intellect. During the competition in Germany last month, Alana would have been one of your biggest supporters. You probably bond over how the both of you will defend those who are vulnerable. There’s no way that Alana would ever allow anyone to hurt you. The two of you would be invited to every one of Hannibal’s dinner parties and he’d come to see you as a respected friend, like Alana. When things went down and the truth came out, she’d flee the country with you if she had to, going anywhere at all to guarantee your mutual safety. Either way, her home is with you.

Phantom - The Phantom/Erik

- Your vast intellect makes a refreshing change from “those fools who run my theatre” and he’s only too happy to supply you with books from his expansive library. You both draw so Erik ends up putting more string along the walls to accommodate your drawings as well as his. When you’re writing, he tends to go off composing so his home would be filled with the sounds of chords, mutterings, and two sets of quills scribbling furiously on expensive parchment. You’re both quite peaceful, quiet souls and this would show in your home, too. You would have your own room and Erik would have his, though they’re connected by a door that he has the key to.

- You definitely have intellectually stimulating conversations - when Erik is in the right mood. He doesn’t have a bedtime per se so tbh neither do you; you both just run off naps (Erik) or sleep when you’re tired (you). Rarely are you sleeping at the same time but wait for the right moment and you might be able to persuade a so-tired-he’s-swaying-on-his-feet Erik to come cuddle with you! Despite his own lack of bedtime, Erik does try to get you to go to bed at a set time, just because he doesn’t want you to become too much like him (this is an inside joke in your relationship but to him, it’s a real worry). You’re both very sassy and would probably let off steam in this way. Most of your conversations, serious or not, are filled with sarcastic comments, dry quips, sly smirks and chuckles. On the occasions when Nadir comes over, he leaves thoroughly entertained by how the two of you talk to each other, his heart lighter at the sight and realisaton that his dear Erik is - at last - truly happy.

- Erik would treat you with the highest of respect, as you’re his long-time friend and eventual s/o. His actions are never excusable but they’re explainable and going off on a chance here, but I think your love for him would make him want to be the kind of man you think he is so he would tone down the bullying he does towards others when he’s after something, though if they attack you or his loved ones then it’s no holds barred, I’m afraid. He would quite literally kill for you and this isn’t something you’d ever be able to stop him from doing - it’s too ingrained in him, too much a part of who he is. Everything he does used to be to protect hinself, but now he has you - even if you don’t live with him, he considers you in every decision he makes - and so he’s a little less reckless and a lot more careful, though he still takes calculated risks when he has to.

- Cuddles would take time to develop in the relationship but they’d definitely be there, usually after you practically plead for him to break away from his music for just five minutes. Once he’s lying down with you, no worries - he’s not moving, having decided he quite likes the way you hold him. He’s strong, independent and answers to no one (apart from Nadir from time to time). He’s a lot older than you (I think he’s meant to be in his forties, maybe fifties) and would be able to protect you, physically and otherwise. He’d be happy to teach you things you’re interested in and is definitely quite possessive - enough to kill, as in canon. When you sing, he calls you his “little songbird”. He doesn’t mean it to be derogatory or offensive, but you sing and you’re shorter than he is so in his head it makes sense. Sometimes he’s worried that you being with him means that you’re caged and he wonders if he should set you free. One day he brought this up and your reaction was enough to steel his resolve - you weren’t caged. In being with him, you were free. He became a little more confident in the relationship after that discussion.

- You know so many languages that it’s admirable tbh, and you sing. I daresay it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for him to want to become your teacher. If you agreed, at set times each day he wouldn’t be your partner, he’d be your teacher and he wouldn’t go easy on you. Then when the lesson is over, Erik takes the Phantom’s place and he becomes your partner again. An easy, smooth transition. He might even teach you how to properly swordfight or at the very least, use a proper dagger. He appreciates how angry you get over social injustices and how fiercely you defend those who cannot defend themselves. I think your protective fierceness would show him that the world, or, his world, can show compassion - you’re his world and you’re full of compassion, towards him and others who are vulnerable.

HP - Lily Potter

- Lily is an exceptionally-gifted witch with Muggle parents, so I think she’d know your favourite authors and would be able to discuss them with you. Overhearing your conversation would be Remus; he tried not to listen but you’re talking about books so really, what did you expect? Sometimes though, Lily wants to be alone with you so she’d ask the Marauders to buzz off. She likes to sit there and watch you draw patterns on the sides of your parchments when you’re in class and Lily would likely charm a few of them to move around and make you giggle in the middle of class. You’d be very close with the Marauders but Lily would always be sure to get time away from them so that she can spend quality time with you. It’d never feel like a juggling act, though. That’s the last thing ever of them would ever want to put you through.

- You spread happiness like it’s going out of fashion and it’s one of the many things that Lily loves about you. The two of you would almost pull people in with how much you’re laughing and joking together - put in the same room as the Marauders, and it’s practically a party! Late at night, if you’re in the same dorm room, you lay cuddled up on one of your beds, gazing up at the canopy where Lily has made it look like the night sky, talking about anything that comes to mind. If you’re in different dorm rooms - you gotta sneak around for a bit but with James’ invisibility cloak, anything’s possible! You’d steal away little moments during the day together, sneaking into corridor alcoves for quick kisses, notes pressed into palms as you pass each other in the corridor on the way to class, hand holding under the desk when you have a class together and have managed to snag a seat next to each other... It’d be safe, secure, with each other. The closer war looms over your heads, the closer the two of you get.

- You share a lot of the same dislikes so if anyone offends either of you or anyone in your vicinity, they better watch out because they’ll be sassed by two different people at the same time. You’d spend most of your time together in the library, surrounded by books. I think for a lot of the younger students, you’d become some kind of after-class tutor club where they’d come and ask questions or even study with you. You’d definitely become some kind of role model couple for the younger students, and even some of the students in your year have a betting pool going for what time the two of you will get engaged etc. Sirius started that betting pool but ssssh xD

- Lily would probably be a few months or even a year older than you and she’d definitely look after you and protect you. If you trimmed your hair by even a millimetre, she’d notice and comment on it, elbowing one of the Marauders so they’d chirp in with compliments, too. She’d be more than happy to teach you things and you could easily go off with the Marauders on nightly adventures, dragging Lily along with you. You’d be a more relaxed influence on Lily, getting her to loosen up a little and break out some of those mischievous thoughts she has, betrayed only by that glint in her eye, and she’d be a more disciplined influence on you as far as academics go, not that you need it.

- I headcanon that Lily angry-cries too so when you’re both angry, it’s dangerous to be near either of you. You would easily defend anyone who looks like they need it, even from themselves if that was the case. You’d be each other’s best friend, comfort place, and would be sources of laughter and happiness for those lucky enough to be around you. You’d become a source of strength for others, particularly those in your inner circles, as the War looms closer. Just by being yourselves, you’d remind others that love is right there if one only looks, just like Dumbledore said.

Sherlock - John Watson

- John blogs and you draw and write so the two of you could easily spend an entire day doing your own things in each other’s company, occasionally getting up to make tea or get takeaway if John is too lazy to cook. He would be the type of s/o to come home with a new book every time he leaves the flat, just to see you smile. He would ask to read the poems or essays you write but wouldn’t be mad if you said no - just curious. If he was kept up late with a case and couldn’t make it home to you, when he did come back he’d have flowers, chocolates, a book... He’d curl up on the couch beside you with an arm slung over your shoulder, holding you close as you snuggle in while watching a crapy TV re-run bothh of you have seen ten times or more but are too lazy to change it over, much to Sherlock’s chagrin.

- You’re also the couple to cuddle up in bed and watch cat videos for about six hours even though you boh have things to do. You talk about anything, from Sherlock to the latest case, to your childhoods and your futures. Anything and everything would be spoken about and one of you would fall asleep, the other to follow soon after. John always wakes up first and is usually pretty content to let you sleep in, but when you need to be awake early for whatever reason or if John just wants you to get up, he’d sit on the side of your be, with a hot cup of tea on your bedside table and lull you awake with forehead kisses and maybe wandering hands if you’re into that.

- You dislike the same type of people and as far as rudeness goes, Sherlock sometimes goes over or close to the mark but John just glares at him or says, “Bit not good” and Sherlock would apologise to you, even if you hadn’t been spoken to by him directly but were affronted by what he’d said to someone else. You’re both very protective so those who know you, yourselves and each other are always well looked after, even if there isn’t much time for love in your lives. You’d make time, for certain, because there’s no-one more important than you in John’s life, though Sherlock comes in close at second. 

- Cuddles are a must with John, especially when he’s having a nightmare. On those nights, he’ll curl into your back and sob quietly for all those he couldn’t save… Including himself. He would protect you with his life and each case provides several adventures so you’d get all the adrenaline rushes you need! John doesn’t really get jealous but if anyone tried to make a move towards you, he’d stalk across the room and kiss you soundly, telling the other person in no uncertain terms that you’re taken. He’s not really possessive, though, he’s more... Set in his relationship with you and he wouldn’t let anyone or anything get in the way of that. If you ever wanted to break up, he’d have a hard time letting you go, for sure.

- He’s impressed by the sheer number of languages that you speak and loves your singing voice, going to every performance if you do those. If you ever got angry at him, the sight of your tears would kill any anger he has and he’d have to come over and pull you into a hug. His resolve is strong but his love for you is even stronger and he’s never really mad at you. He’s just worried, I suppose. He’s very forgiving, after a time, but don’t push him. He’d treat you with so much respect and love and you’d have such a tight, strong relationship with him.

[agentjoannemills]

trimberly prompt! trini is failing biology and her parents somehow get queen bee kimberly hart to tutor her?? trinis ready to burn her house down with kimberly in it but she learns kim is actually really sweet? and really kind and patient and holy shit shes even prettier up close. the small ball of Teen Angst slowly develops a crush (not that she'd ever say that out loud) and gayness ensues.

Hey! Sorry for the delay. Here you go! (unsure whether i actually followed the prompt but this is where the story went i’m sorry i still hope you like it)

(also on AO3)

The last thing Trini wants to do when she gets home is to talk to her parents. She just really plans on sneaking in, avoiding as much a fuss as possible, and holing up in her room until it’s time for dinner.

Unfortunately, nothing goes according to this plan.

When she enters the house, she’s greeted by the sight of her parents sitting on the couch, obviously waiting for her, and she tenses up on instinct.

Her grip on her bag’s strap tightens when she sees an official-looking envelope on the coffee table, and oh fuck, she really should have just climbed in through her bedroom window instead.

Her mother’s gaze is hard and unforgiving, and her father’s is somewhat apologetically disappointed, as if it’s his fault she’s going to receive a good, long reprimand from his wife. It is for this reason that Trini clenches her jaw, putting on her big girl pants and rallying every ounce of her willpower to not flinch and to accept what’s going to happen.

She refuses to back down from what appears to be an inescapable punishment for her own carelessness.

“Sit down,” her mother orders, and Trini obeys without argument.

The silent judgment continues for several long seconds, but Trini doesn’t show any sign of discomfort. She’s not going to give them that satisfaction.

Finally, after what’s felt like forever, her mom huffs an annoyed breath and pushes a sheet of paper towards her. “So this came in the mail today.”

Trini picks it up. Yeah, just as she thought. The B– glares at her from the page, the red ink like a death sentence.

“Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” Her mother’s tone is getting a dangerous edge now, riled up with Trini’s non-expression.

“What do you want me to say?” she asks, evenly. “It’s not a failing mark.”

“It’s not an A either!”

“Now, swee—” her father tries to defuse the tension, but her mother is having none of it.

“No! You keep letting her get away with whatever she’s doing, and it’s getting out of hand! She needs discipline!” Her mother glares at her. “You need to pick up your slack! You won’t be accepted in any good colleges if your grades are like this!”

“It’s a B, not the end of the world,” Trini says, and it is a very, very bad move.

“Don’t give me that attitude!” her mother nearly screeches, before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. When she looks at her again, she’s forcibly calmer. “You need grades higher than this, so you need to study harder. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Good. Now, your teacher says you do well with lab activities but not with the written exams. So I arranged for you to have a tutor. Maybe having someone else checking over your work will help you improve.”

Trini blinks, hearing the words but not processing their meaning. “What now?”

Her mother carries on as if she didn’t speak. “You know the Harts, they have a daughter who’s apparently in the same class as you. Do you know Kimberly? I asked her mother if Kim could spare an hour or two a day to help you out, and she said yes. Kim’s also agreed, she’s such a sweet little thing. Very polite. Pretty, and smart to boot. You’re going to meet with her here starting tomorrow, after her cheer practice.” Her mother nods, satisfied with her pitch, and as usual not giving Trini any chance to object before standing up and ending their talk. “I expect you to be in your best behaviour.” Then she walks away, leaving her and her father staring at each other.

“What just happened?” Trini asks, bewildered.

Her father sighs, looking about as defeated as ever. “I think you just got a tutor.”

Well.

That’s not good.

That’s not good at all.

//

“You probably should head home now,” Zack says, brows furrowing as he stares at the setting sun. “You don’t want your mom to be even more pissed.”

Trini scoffs, raising an eyebrow at him. She’s lying on the hood of her car. “Since when do you care about that?”

He shrugs. “Hey, I’m just saying, if you hit a few more of her buttons, it’s not gonna be pretty.”

“I know that.”

“So go. Be a nerd and study.” He scrunches his nose, as if disgusted. “And whoa, I can’t believe I just said that non-ironically.”

She laughs. “Yeah, it’s probably a cold day in hell, huh? Zack Taylor, King of Detention, just told me to study. I feel so blessed.”

“Shut up. It’s just that if your mom gets on your case even more, it’s gonna be real hard for you to escape and make it to our bonfire nights.” He crosses his arms. “I don’t wanna lose my drinking buddy to academics.”

Trini sighs, because for once, she knows Zack is right. Her mother’s been watching her like a hawk since yesterday, and it’s going to get worse if she fails to show up on time to the damn tutoring session. “Fine, fine. I’m going.”

“It couldn’t be that bad, right?” Zack says. “It’s just Kim.”

“She’s the head cheerleader.”

“Yeah, and I’m Zack Taylor.” He rolls his eyes. “No duh.”

“Fuck off, you know what I mean.”

“She seems good.”

“That’s ’cause you’re thinking with a different head.”

“Okay, now you’re just being mean.”

“I’m always being mean.”

“Play nice.”

Trini smirks. “Never.”

//

For the most part, Trini actually finds Biology a pretty interesting subject. Perhaps not as fascinating as chemistry and physics, but she can appreciate the rote learning needed in many of its topics; memorisation might not be the best way to gauge intelligence, but it sure does pay to have some piece of information immediately at the tip of her tongue.

It’s intellectually stimulating, when she really pays attention. It’s challenging to learn all about neurotransmitters and every bump in a bone and cardiac rhythm. Every diagram she draws must be accurate; otherwise, what’s the point, right?

So yeah. It’s not that she hates the subject; she just doesn’t like it as much as the others.

But with this tutoring issue in her immediate future, she just might learn to hate it with all that she is.

Tutoring itself won’t be that much of a problem, if it’s in school. At least there, Trini’s got some form of control unhindered by the anxiety that her parents’ mere presence evokes. But that’s out of the question, obviously, and what’s more, her tutor’s going to be Kimberly freaking Hart.

Of course Trini knows she shares the same class with the head cheerleader. It’s kinda difficult to ignore that fact when every time Kim enters the classroom, everyone watches with rapt attention. She’s never alone, with their schoolmates always seeking her out and begging for her to notice them.

It’s ridiculous, is what it is—the way the entire student body seems to fall on their feet at Kimberly’s every whim—and Trini decides to hate her on principle.

(“You know that’s a lie,” Zack said when she told her about it. “Your little gay heart just can’t handle that much beauty without overheating.”

“Shut the fuck up, Taylor,” she said, because Zack’s an ass and he knew nothing.

In all likelihood, Kimberly Hart has no damn idea who the fuck Trini is, and Trini sure as hell doesn’t care either way.)

Anyway. Yeah. Trini’s not a fan of her tutor, which is why this whole tutoring thing is probably never gonna work.

//

Scratch that.

This whole tutoring thing is definitely never gonna work.

When Trini gets home, the first thing she sees is a pink Audi parked in the driveway, and her stomach flips on itself.

Shit.

//

Trini just about freezes on the spot when she sees Kimberly freaking Hart sitting like a goddamn Disney princess in her middle-class family’s living room, beside Trini’s mother, the both of them sipping tea from the good Chinaware reserved for holidays and for guests her mother wants to impress—which apparently includes Angel Grove High’s resident queen bee.

Trini is not blind. She knows one of the reasons Kim’s such a popular girl is because her beauty honestly transcends the mortal plane. Her hair’s luscious and falls in gentle waves, neat and classy, even after she cut it off to shoulder-length. She’s got the jawline of a goddess, and her tan skin is smooth and looks soft to the touch. Her clothes fail to hide just how defined her muscles are—Trini knows because she’s seen her running around in those squad uniforms that barely leaves anything to the imagination.

But Kimberly’s eyes are what captivates her the most.

Her eyes remind Trini of hot chocolate on a winter night, warm and comforting; she could almost smell woodsmoke from the fireplace, could almost hear the flame crackling and the sound of leaves crunching underfoot, could almost see wolf’s fur shining beneath the moonlight. Kim’s eyes are compelling, magnetic, not taking no for an answer.

She looks up at Trini with those damn eyes, and her smile?

Fuck.

Her smile is like a flickering shadow, like an illicit affair, like bourbon at 3:00 a.m.—thrilling, electrifying, demanding one’s utmost devotion.

Trini internally curses and bites her tongue.

This is shaping up to be a huge fucking problem.

//

Trini’s mother leaves the two of them after shooting Trini a glare that warns her of another lecture in her immediate future and profusely apologising to Kimberly for Trini’s lateness. Kimberly just smiles, saying it’s fine, and “It’s my fault anyway, cheer practice ended early and I probably should have waited a bit before coming over.”

(And Trini’s mother just about looks on the verge of singing Kimberly the Ave Maria, honestly.)

When they’re finally alone, Kimberly stands and offers Trini her hand. “Hi, I’m Kim.”

“I know,” Trini says. It’s rather rude, she realises, and she sighs. “Sorry. Yeah. I know who you are. I mean.” She clamps her lips together before digging herself further into mortification. “Trini.”

And when she shakes Kim’s hand, she just about spontaneously explodes, because she’s correct and Kim’s skin is indeed soft to the touch, holy shit, and it’s like holding a silk glove that’s got electric currents running through each thread.

“I know,” Kim says, her eyes laughing, but not taunting. At least Trini doesn’t think so. But it’s quite difficult to think at all when that smile is freaking directed at her, full blast. It’s like a nuclear weapon or something, all white teeth and charm, like it’s a goddamn toothpaste commercial. “We do share a class together.”

Right. “Yeah.”

“So?”

“Hmm?”

“Let’s begin?”

“Oh.” She huffs, staring at those endlessly dark eyes, but not without effort. It’s freaking hard to act all high and mighty when you’re literally just barely over five feet.

It gets even more of a challenge when you’re faced with the walking personification of grace and beauty and you start acting like a fucking gay mess.

But that’s not relevant as of now.

Right.

“Let’s,” she says, dropping her bag unceremoniously on the couch before plopping down. She rummages through her stuff to get her notes and textbooks.

“You know,” Kim says, settling down uncomfortably close to Trini, “I was sorta surprised when my mom told me I’m gonna be tutoring you.”

“That’s my mom’s fault, sorry.”

“No, I mean—” Kim shrugs. “I was surprised that you needed a tutor at all.”

Trini hums, noncommittal. “Why’s that?”

“You’re always on top of the experiments and lab reports, even though you’re unbelievably quiet during discussion.” Kim releases this breathy chuckle that sets Trini’s heart racing without permission. (It’s annoying.) “I’m pretty sure you even beat me by three points in last month’s project.”

That stops Trini in her on-going campaign to avoid Kim’s eyes as much as possible. Instead she meets her stare directly, proud of herself for keeping her voice level. “You remembered that?”

Kim appears a bit flustered, and she’s the one to look away this time, but Trini’s too busy looking at the flush in her cheeks to think about the reason behind it. “It’s pretty hard to forget when I really did my best for the project only to be beaten by the quiet girl always lurking in the back of the room.”

“I do not lurk.”

“Sure, Trini,” Kim says, and god if Trini doesn’t find that the sound of her own name coming from Kim’s lips is like some sort of music.

If this is just the beginning, Trini’s not sure how sane she’s gonna be by the end of this torture.

At this rate, probably not sane at all.

//

Trini is surprised to find that she’s actually enjoying herself, talking with this popular pretty girl whom she’s already judged without even really knowing her. Trini realises how much of a jerk thing that is, and she tells Kim so.

“I have to admit,” she begins, tapping her pen on a particularly tricky question, “I pegged you as a typical head bitch.”

Kim doesn’t look offended; instead her eyes seem to sparkle with amusement. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Trini shrugs. “You know, the head cheerleader stereotype perpetuated by the media and brought to life by the American youth almost without fail.”

“I was like that, not long ago,” she says, voice soft.

“What happened?”

Kim smiles. “Met some people who made me realise I could do so much better.”

//

“See you tomorrow, then?” Kim asks when it’s time for her to go, her voice low and like a secret promise, washing over Trini like the velvet of a morning storm.

Trini tilts her head, a smirk playing on her lips. “See you tomorrow,” she says, and Kim’s answering laugh will quench her thirst for days to come.

So. Maybe Zack’s got a point about her little gay heart, after all.

Dammit.

//

Kim’s a pretty patient instructor, launching into the sort of detailed explanations that Trini wouldn’t have been able to come up with on her own. Her work is organised, all clean lines and neat handwriting, and her arrows and diagrams make sense in a way at which their textbooks fail. She doesn’t rush Trini into understanding the numerous concepts, and has instead worked out that Trini works better when there are other things happening around her. So Kim talks about other things while Trini figures out molecular evolution and evolutionary synthesis.

//

“Fascism is an ideology relying on the argument of power and not on the power of argument,” Trini says, not looking up from a heart diagram. “Morality and logic are things not really taken into account when dealing with fascist agenda.”

She’s not really sure how she finds herself talking about things not at all related to biology—or even science in general—with Kim, but by the time she realised they strayed too far off topic, it’s already too late. They’ve already covered, amongst others, the politics of eugenics and even the socialist revolution—a discussion that comes so out of left field that Trini wasted a couple of seconds staring into Kim’s eyes before formulating a response regarding the development of revolutionary syndicalism.

//

“Here.” Kim throws a small box at Trini, who easily catches it.

Trini examines the box. “What’s it?”

“Just open it.”

Trini does, and she takes out a fidget spinner. “Wha—”

“You can use it whenever you want help focusing,” Kim says. “I can’t very well talk to you while we’re taking exams, but that’s a decent alternative. That way you have another outlet when concentrating.”

“I—” Trini swallows past the emotions balling up in her throat. “Thank you,” she says.

If Kim noticed the waver in her voice, she doesn’t mention it. “You’re welcome.”

//

Early the next morning, Trini leaves a box of glazed doughnuts on Kim’s windowsill, along with a cup of coffee—black, extra shot of espresso, no sugar.

//

Kim waves at her in the cafeteria later, a huge smile threatening to split her face in two, and a hush falls over the entire area.

//

“Why are people looking at you?” Trini asks Zack.

Zack laughs out loud. “They’re not looking at me, Crazy Girl,” he says, grinning like a maniac, “they’re looking at you.”

//

She sees Kim talking to Jason Scott, star quarterback, in the bleachers. They are leaning too closely to each other, their touches gentle and familiar. She sees Kim smile at something Jason says, and Jason grins when Kim throws her arms around his neck.

Zack comes up behind her, flinging an arm over her shoulder. “Come on. I got some booze from last week’s gig. Shitty and probably tastes like piss, but I think that’s appropriate, no?”

Trini pulls her beanie lower over head, allowing Zack to stir her away.

Shit and piss sound about right for what’s roiling in her chest.

//

She only talks to Kim during their tutoring sessions after that. She stops seeking her out, avoids running into her in the hallways.

If Kim notices, she doesn’t mention it. She’s good at not mentioning things, anyway.

They both are.

//

The fidget spinner never leaves Trini’s pocket, even though she’s tried to throw it away several times.

(She sleeps with it in her hand.)

//

A week later, Trini wakes up to someone tapping on her window. She sits up immediately, eyes widening when she sees it’s Kim, holding on to the sill, bobbing her head to signal that Trini should really move and open up now before she falls down.

So Trini lets her in, backing away immediately when she remembers that she’s only wearing pajama shorts with sun prints and an over-sized NASA shirt.

“Why’re you here, Kim?” she asks, mumbles really, eyes trained on her carpet, arms wrapped around herself.

“Are you ever gonna tell me what I did wrong?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kim scoffs. “That’s bullshit.”

Trini snaps her head up, glares at Kim. She tries not to notice that Kim’s still in her sleepwear too—matching pajama set, with spaceship prints—though she fails splendidly. She also fails in not noticing that their clothes weirdly match. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” she asserts.

“Then why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m no—”

Kim doesn’t hesitate in cutting her off. “If I hear another lie from you, I swear to god I will throw you out your own damn window, Trini.”

“What do you want to hear?”

“Just the truth,” Kim tells her, eyes imploring, voice cracking, and it stabs right at Trini’s heart. “Just the truth, please.”

And Trini will never let herself be the reason Kim breaks down, will never be able to deny Kim anything, so she gives her what she wants, regardless of any possible fallout.

At this point, she’s got nothing to lose anyway, except perhaps an almost that can never be.

“Remember when we talked about how soulmates are probably those whose atoms were next to each other in the big bang?” she asks, and she almost smiles at Kim’s confused frown, probably wondering where the fuck Trini’s going with this.

“Yeah?”

“They’re drawn to each other because they came from the same burst of light, from the same corner of the universe. They have the same stardust in their bones.” Trini sighs, half a laugh, half a sob. Her fingers dig into her own skin. “That’s you for me, Kim.

“Oh,” Kim says.

“Please just go,” Trini pleads, because one more second and she’s going to fall apart.

But Kim won’t let her be. “No, no, I’m not leaving.”

“Kim, please—”

“You said your piece, and now you’re gonna listen to mine.” Kim walks towards Trini, and Trini’s vision is blurry with unshed tears. Kim’s hand is soft on her jaw, tilting her face up, and then Kim is pressing their lips together, and Trini’s entire world shifts on its axis.

“What—” Trini begins when Kim draws back.

“Your star made me,” Kim says, her voice now sure and steady, and Trini’s entire being is cradled in her hands, “and galaxies swirl in your eyes, and I’m on earth falling in love with you.”

//

Later, when their lips are sore from too much kissing, Trini explains why she’s been avoiding her.

“Trini,” Kim says, fond and exasperated at once, “I was asking him for advice on how best to tell you what I feel.”

“Oh.”

“Next time, whenever you have questions or doubts, talk to me first, okay?”

Trini buries her face into the crook of Kim’s neck, and Kim’s arms tighten around her. “Yeah, okay.”

//

“That must have been a pretty dumb star,” Zack remarks, after Trini told her what happened.

Trini socks him on the arm. “Shut up,” she says, but she doesn’t stop smiling, and she doesn’t let go of Kim’s hand.

Kim’s laughter sounds like golden sunlight, bathing Trini in the glow of home.

they’re big nerds, i love them so much

[talakhouri]

Bibliography

Articles:

·      Sumida, S. and Jefcoat, B. (2018). Anatomy, Animation, and Visual Effects: The Reciprocal Tools of Biology and Film-Making. Integrative and Comparative Biology.

S. Samida who has done several books on morphology and paleontology before joining Disney Studios as an animal anatomy consultant talks about how the anatomy, paleontology, and evolution in different kinds of animals are directly related to how the characters in animated movies are designed. What traits to consider and develop in order to create believable characters based on their needs and instincts to survive. This article helps me directly in my field and covers a very important part in the pre-production phase, which is character design and profile.

·      Hernández-Pérez, M. (2016). Animation, Branding and Authorship in the Construction of the ‘Anti-Disney’ Ethos: Hayao Miyazaki’s Works and Persona through Disney Film Criticism. Animation, 11(3).

The author of this article is the program leader of the Game and Entertainment Design course in Hull University. This article aims to examine the current state of author theories in the field of animation, making use of the Walt Disney figure through a review of different forms of criticism. Disney’s legacy has been reviewed and examined through different theoretical lenses derived from cultural studies and film criticism. This article helped me see how competitors can influence movie creators, and how one’s life experience can help them be unique in his narrative ideas.

·      Maslej, M., Oatley, K. and Mar, R. (2017). Creating fictional characters: The role of experience, personality, and social processes. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 11(4).

This article talks about the audience’s perception of the characters. Engaging characters must be conflicting and unpredictable enough to be complex, but not so much so that they stretch naivety and appear unrealistic. It appears that some level of complexity is necessary to help characters appear lifelike. The authors also mention all the ways that help people create characters and how to make character design a habit. This passage basically helps demonstrate that there are ways, supported by studies, to create engaging characters; people can have a relationship with, which helps me personally in creating strong character profiles.

·      Kätsyri, J., Mäkäräinen, M., Takala, T., 2017. Testing the ‘uncanny valley’ hypothesis in semirealistic computer-animated film characters: An empirical evaluation of natural film stimuli. International Journal of Human-Computer Studies 97, 149–161.

An old article titled Animated Documentaries as Masking by Nea Ehrlich talked about how Animated documentaries demonstrate that “reality” can be constructed and fictional whereas the virtual and/or fictional can become accepted as “real”. Led me to this article which studies whether semi-realistic animated film characters show evidence of the uncanny valley hypothesis. The uncanny valley hypothesis would predict that some animated film characters that are intended to appear realistic, cause negative reactions from the viewers. I realize that this might not be a problem when creating 2D films, but I always consider 3D art as a passion of mine that I might one day develop. It also opened my eyes on all the possibilities that animators can work in, such as motion capture and motion capture.

·      Cheetham, M., Hänggi, J. and Jancke, L. (2014). Identifying with fictive characters: structural brain correlates of the personality trait ‘fantasy’. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(11), pp.1836-1844.

After reading an article about how personal experiences affect the way the person perceives things. This article talks about how the audience portrays itself in the character himself and try to live his experience as if it was its own. I started searching for why villains and heroes look the way they do in animated movies. What help the character to be the hero or the villain are the geometrical shapes that form his appearance. What makes us associate those geometrical shapes to character trait, is our experience and the kinds of morphology people we encounter have. This in addition to the previous article about character credibility has changed the way I design my characters.

Books:

·      Chan, J., Dow, S.P., Schunn, C.D., 2018. Do the Best Design Ideas (Really) Come from Conceptually Distant Sources of Inspiration?, in: Subrahmanian, E., Odumosu, T., Tsao, J.Y. (Eds.), Engineering a Better Future: Interplay between Engineering, Social Sciences, and Innovation. Springer International Publishing, Cham, pp. 111–139.

I always wondered where ideas come from; I once saw an animated short done by students In ESMA University called “La Fenetre” and loved it to the point that I started wondering why I did not come up with the idea myself. Then I found this book that covers a big range of topics and picked the one that answered my question. This chapter talks about how cognitive scientists have discovered that people inevitably build new ideas from their prior knowledge and experiences, which makes it nearly impossible for me to imagine what the creator of this movie has gone through for him to create such a story. This chapter then goes over how we can create new things from experiences each one of us has gone through. Which helps a lot with creating concepts and stories for my own work.

·      Deroy, O. (2017). Sensory blending. Oxford, University Press.

When I read the given of Optical sounds, one of the 5 projects we had to do in our practice course, I stumbled across this book that covered a phenomenon I have never heard about before which is Synesthesia, its when senses get mixed up in the brain and make a person hear colors or see sounds. And it was basically the idea of my project. This article did studies on several people to see how their brain works under various conditions. It showed me how far animation could go. It helped me create something that couldn't be heard without stimulating the visual sense. Which eased me serve the purpose of the project in an original way.

·      Winder, C., Dowlatabadi, Z. and Miller-Zarneke, T. (2011). Producing animation. Waltham, MA: Focal Press.

In this book, the author has attempted to define and clarify the process and procedures of producing animated projects using 2D or traditional animation and 3D Computer Generated Imagery (3D CGI). It explains the animation process and the implications of decisions made to the overall project. This book covers the role of every member in a group work in big production movies. Since I work alone on all the projects I would love to be able to cover all the positions at once, this book helped me organize my work without missing any detail, details I never knew existed.

·      David, I. and rea, p. (2015). Producing and Directing the Short Film and Video. 5th ed. Focal Press.

Most short works are created to give filmmakers an opportunity to express themselves, display their talent, and develop filmmaking skills; to experiment with the medium, or to provide a stepping stone to a career in film and television. This book talks about the production of a short movie whether animated or real-life footage, it covers everything from A to Z from script writing, cast choosing and post-production. It serves my practice because I always come up with ideas too complicated to fit in a short movie, and this helped me simplify my story structure in a complete and logical way.

·      Bendazzi, G. (2015). Animation: A World History. Focal Press.

In this writer’s opinion, a good historian seeks to narrate/explain the facts, not list them. It’s mandatory to identify coherent periods of mapped facts, basically through the ‘discovery’ of clear turning points. A turning point is an event that’s so important as to characterize what happened before and after it as two separate. What would have happened to the art, craft, and industry if no theatre had decided to screen Walt Disney’s Steamboat Willie in 1928? Those unbeaten tracks, based on already known (or easy to get) information, would have been exciting intellectual exercises, both for the writer and for the readers. This book not only informed me of animation milestones I previously did not know about, but it also gave me a lot of ideas for new stories and concepts based on the history and the facts that happened in where I come from.

Audio Books:

·      Audible Original (20018). Strong ending. Narrated by Mary Louise Parker, available at:https://www.audible.co.uk/search?keywords=strong+ending&ref=a_hp_t1_header_search  (Downloaded: 21 October 2018).

I listened to this book not long ago, and it got me thinking of how to turn miseries into comedy, where people who suffer can laugh and look at their miseries in a way that helps them get over these struggles. It talks about veterans who underwent traumatic experiences and got over them by becoming stand up comedians. This book led me to think of how to look at the things that annoy me the most in myself and turn them into art people can learn from in a fun matter. Which helped me create a story of my Misophonia problem in a comedic way and give people a glimpse of what it might feel like without making it boring and dramatic.

[juliannapatinopj]

DC Trip: Day 1

Today, we started our day with a visit to the Newseum, which features many extremely interesting exhibits about news and photography within news. The first exhibit we entered was the Pulitzer winning photographs collection where throughout the whole room was different pictures that have one Pulitzer Prizes for news throughout the years. It was nice to see the photographs that are ingrained in our heads as students of photojournalism, but it was also great to see people the video, where all of these photographers were featured talking about the work, perhaps the day they shot the picture, and the power of photography. Another thing that is there that is amazing to see is literally parts of the Berlin Wall. The exhibit I wandered off to go to see was a movie about the impact JFK had on our country and world, through the power of the media.

We shortly after went over to the Associated Press where we spoke with J David Ake, who is their photo chief. He explained to us that the AP has about 80 staffers in the US, and 30 photo editors, and 360 photo editors worldwide. AP tries to cover events and make pictures that are "all things to all people".

When talking about what he was looking for when hiring staffers, he said he wants about 5-6 years of experience. Some words of advice he gave us were to always carry a camera around, so that you can understand your gear in a pinch, and to never miss any moments. He advised us to keep in touch with the people you meet, and to make great relationships with photo editors. He said something very special about him and the AP is that they like to have personal relationships with their photographers, so they are confident in who they are sending out.

He mentioned that persistence is key. This industry is highly competitive and simultaneously it's downsizing a great deal. The first 5 years are hard, you'll have starve (more specifically eat macaroni and cheese and tomato soup to survive), and with that persistence you will see the competition dwindling down as long as you are patient and passionate.

He stressed the business of freelancing, to know our worth and to never cut yourself short. He told us that a rate for a freelancer at AP is about $400-$425 a day. For every staffer there are 5 freelancers, and that there is always a need for freelancers is major cities. Similarly, he stressed that it was extremely important for us to understand the copyright laws. But more importantly, he stressed to us that they want photographers with life skills and problem solving skills, to be able to do their job no matter the obstacle.

From his experience with talking to other people in the field, he felt that leave behind post cards were highly effective in helping the people you meet remember your name.

Jaqueline Martin from the AP also joined us and gave us her insight and shared with us her path from starting out as an RIT student and ending up at AP as one of their staffers. Her words of advice where persistence, and to do many internships to get as much experience as possible. She also advised us to be open to any and every opportunity, even if it may be somewhere you aren't familiar with, to always be hungry. This leads her next advice which was to be hungry to meet with people and network like crazy. She loves this job and this work especially as a staffer because she gets to document history.

Jacqueline explained to us that her schedule is extremely dynamic, but usually 2 assignments is a normal day, and 3 is a crazy day, but that no two days are the same. She feels that political photography is stimulating and intellectual, and the skill is to find the best picture fast, and to send it out before the other people do.

David concluded our meeting with talking about different experiences that photo editors will have and what they are looking for. He emphasized a need for someone who can "run the show", and take command of a situation. He also spoke about to a degree, convincing people that was the best photo, and to push your vision. There are two types of editors at the AP, which is assignments editors, who organize assignments. Intake and Outtake editors are the ones who pick, process, and caption the photographs. They are hiring students right out of school for these positions, unlike the staffer positions.

Soon after, we went to NPR where we met with RIT alums Emily Bogle and Niki Walker where we got a tour of the facilities and got to see where some of the podcasts are made, such as the Tiny Desk Concert series. NPR is trying to teach their reporters to photograph more to always bring a visual element to the storytelling, and they showed us some examples of that. Emily said that for freelancers, they are looking for things like proximity to the assignment, and if their style of is similar to NPR's aesthetic, and they are looking for people with strong portrait skills. Emily also said that strong details are a niche to set you apart from the rest. NPR's interns shoot a lot of the local stories.

As a photo editor at NPR, Emily spoke about different mediums and things she interacts with that she never thought she would ever do, like illustrations, and data and graphics. She felt that this was a good experience because you get to interact and learn all different and new things when working with these people. They are doing things like 360, and also work on a lot of long-term packaged stories, where Emily would storyboard and figure out what the best way to tell the story is with the different elements that they have (stills, video, audio).

Niki Walker, who is a videographer at NPR spoke about how their video section has been revitalized, they started with 2 videographers and now have 15. Their videos consist of news, science, music, and enterprise videos, where they get to spread stories and information in a more dynamic way. Younger people are the direct influence, and with this revitalization they have been able to reach those audiences, notably with the Tiny Desk Concert series. A conflict they have is trying to engage the Tiny Desk series audience into the other parts and shows NPR offers. Niki is currently working on a series that is called "Jazz Night in America" where she battles the same thing, how can she make the videos dynamic enough to make all kinds of people care about jazz.

Their last words of advice to us were to keep looking at great work to inspire our craft.

Our last stop of the day was at Reuters where we met with Jim Bourg and Johnathan Ernst. Both working in politics, they are always trying to find the emotion in shooting the podium pictures. They are always going for the "new pictures", which they feel distinguishes their wire from other wires.

Jim showed us in great detail the full process of transmitting and publishing photos, from the photographers perspective, and we also got to see the softwares that are specially made for Reuters and this process. This process takes about 15-20 seconds, while in the past sending one photo would take somewhere between 10-20 minutes. This is important to them because as a wire they need the fastest turnaround possible.

They told us in these situations it's nice and important to know how to use and set up remotes, and to be familiar with new technology all together.

When looking for a new hire, Jim is liking for someone who is passionate and engaged in this industry. And also someone who can talk about other photographers that inspire them.

Johnathan mentioned that with this new technology, photo editors became relevant again in these recent years, and that before then, editing was extremely detached, meaning there was little to no relationship or conversation between the editor and the photographer. He also felt it was important as a editor to be on top of the stories, to honor them, and to offer an abundance of guidance to the photographers.

Although I could never imagine myself working at a wire, it was extremely interesting and eye opening to see the different things that photo editors do. This made me feel inspired and confident in my future as a photo editor.

[anxiousavenue]

When your internal processing breaks

Some context before I break into stream of consciousness: It’s July 11th. In the past month I have gone to Brazil with Adam and Anastasia, spent a few days in DC with Adam and Chandini, and come to Fire Island (and went out with Satya).

I’m just, honestly, sad. Confused. Stressed. There is so much running through my mind, and it all seems so disorganized, which stresses me out more- I want to see the themes here, I want to extract some meaning from the jumbled mess inside my brain, but it’s too confusing- I can’t see it when it’s in this tornado form that sucks away thoughts and emotions into a black hole. Like I’m thinking things, feeling things, and then can’t remember or trace back the thoughts and feelings to come to some summary or conclusion of what I’m thinking or feeling- like it’s gone forever. I don’t know if this is a memory problem, or if I just don’t know how to adequately process my thoughts and emotions to a point where I can analyze them after the fact.. I can barely analyze them during the fact. And losing the memory of these emotions, or how they feel, feels like losing some kind of insight into what the actual problem is.. And then I’m left later, struggling to remember, to put all the pieces together. And then it comes together like an unfinished picture, and I have to fill in the gaps myself, and hope that I can then express it in a way that makes sense to someone else even though I can see the gaps in logic coming from a mile away. When I go to explain it, I know it doesn’t make sense. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a good reason for feeling the way I felt in the moment. It honestly really upsets me, and makes me sad. Which is an oversimplification, but true nonetheless.

Throughout all of Brazil (on at least 7 out of the 10 days I was there), I had potentially the worst anxiety I’ve ever felt in my 22+ years of life. I felt like my brain wasn’t all there- it was the least mindful, least present I’ve ever been. I had a weight on my chest that just felt like a rock dragging me underwater, like even if I opened my mouth I couldn’t get any sound to come out. I further had zero energy- and I used what little energy I had to force myself to appear sentient and at least physically present, to not alert suspicion that something was wrong- or to at least not hold anyone back from doing things they wanted to do. I tried my best to be invisible, so as to not ruin anyone’s time- I didn’t want to complain about how I was tired, or how I felt like I wanted to stay in bed all day- but at the same time, I also knew I was acting weird and that they would know something was wrong. So at the end of the day, I really just wanted to stay out of everyone’s way, and silently go along with whatever they decided, because at least they were doing things they wanted to do. And it’s not like I genuinely wanted to stay at home in bed either, otherwise I don’t doubt that I could have. I still wanted to go out and explore etc., I just really didn’t have the energy to do it. But still, I went, and I’m happy I did because I really enjoyed everything we did- bike riding through the park at Ibirapuera, going to all the art museums, bakeries, walking through the busy market streets, going to a Festa Joanina and watching the traditional dance they do (and inadvertently seeing a proposal, between 17 year olds).. It was all really, inherently fun. I just happened to feel like crap the whole time.

It was kind of this weird cycle, I think, where I felt anxious, so I didn’t really have the energy to talk or participate in the conversation... and at the same time, the conversation 90% of the time wasn’t something I could even contribute to, and that was perpetuated because I wasn’t talking anyway.. which then made me even more anxious, because of my fear that I’m unmemorable, unimportant, or have nothing to contribute... And again, it had materialized before my eyes. Throughout the whole trip, I felt very unimportant, extraneous, expendable.. Like I shouldn’t have come on this trip, the whole thing would’ve been better without me. Maybe I should just go home, but then not really wanting to do that, either. There was this insane cognitive dissonance going on, on at least 10 different levels, which made it very difficult to parse through then (and now).. Because at the same time, I also knew that me feeling badly and acting this way was putting a damper on their trip, but I figured staying silent about it and trying to blend into the background would at least not actively change anyone’s plans or ruin anything, so at least they could still do what they wanted. Then after I talked to Adam about it, it turns out that he probably felt even worse that I wasn’t feeling good and that I wouldn’t talk about it, because he wanted me to have fun, too.. And I tried to tell him, don’t worry about me, I am having fun... Which I guess didn’t help much, because it didn’t lead him to anything he could do about it. And he was perfectly willing to do something to help, it would have made him happy, even, to know that he helped. 

Anyway. From all of this I have learned: 1) I should speak up and say the things I want, and not feel like a burden 2) I worry about being a burden to other people when I’m not even being burdensome. I willingly suffer without even trying any alternative, because I make the assumption that any alternative would be a burden on other people. This part I kind of knew already, though: I would rather suffer than have other people suffer. I never knew the underlying reason for why I thought this, but I do know that I use it as a subconscious guideline for basically every decision I make.

Now, my other issue, which is arguably even more complicated, comes in with Satya’s insistence that I feel something more for Adam than just friendship- which, while I don’t disagree, is really hard for me to figure out and understand, or explain in a way that is framed correctly. Basically, I don’t think I like Adam in any sort of romantic/sexual way, but I definitely care about him and want his attention more than any regular person (or even more than any of my other best friends). I crave his validation for some reason, and even when he tries to validate me, it never feels like enough. Sometimes I think it could just be the way he’s doing it- verbally, but never the exact words I wish he would say (like, when I say “I love you” and he doesn’t say “I love you, too”)... And then, there was the time that I had to literally be completely wasted (and in danger) for him to tell me that I’m his best friend. And I was happy about it, I was really happy that he acknowledged that I’m his best friend. (I’m sure I didn’t hide this very well, since I was drunk and kind of felt my face twist into a half-smile before controlling it and going back to arguing. But maybe he’ll forget about that).

I do also sometimes wish he would give me more physical affection, to indicate in some way that I’m important to him and he cares about me- and in this way, I was DEFINITELY jealous of Anastasia on this trip, because he is so much more comfortable being physically affectionate with her (since she is also much more physically affectionate with him, naturally, and he mirrors behavior).. Which then would mean, if I started initiating the physical contact, he would reciprocate.. And maybe he would, but I’m not super comfortable initiating it either, because I’m not sure at what level he’s comfortable with me, and I also don’t want to give him the idea that I still like him. But then, I would be comfortable with a much higher level of physical affection, but because of this “mirroring” problem, and that I won’t initiate it, I’m never going to get it. So especially on this trip, where I had to watch him and Anastasia dancing, cuddling, etc., and wanting that same level and not getting it... I felt very unimportant and discarded. Leading me to the point that I’ve also recently been questioning why he’s friends with me, what I could possibly have to offer him. Mostly in terms of intellectual stimulation, I guess, because I feel like I’m less intelligent or that I just can’t challenge him intellectually as much as I’d like to be able to. But without the reassurance, whether it’s physical or verbal, my mind comes up blank. I can’t think of any concrete reasons why he would be friends with me, and I don’t think he could come up with any either. And then I feel guilty about even mildly blaming him for that, because if I asked myself why I’m friends with half of my friends, I couldn’t come up with concrete reasons either. I like who they are as people, and I like spending time with them. And I suppose those are the reasons why Adam is friends with me, too. But for some reason, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Side note: On this Brazil trip, we did a few different life talk-type conversations, and some things that stood out are as follows: 1) Adam wishes that people knew that he is capable of caring and investing emotionally in people, and to not just assume that he can’t. 2) Adam assumes that the “fatal flaw” in his future life partner will be emotional volatility, because he secretly (or not-so-secretly) craves the blow up fights. 3) Adam has a personal issue where he’s not really sure what his own personality is, and he feels like he just puts on a different face depending on who he’s with (so he never knows when he’s actually being genuine)... This, again, ties into his mirroring problem.

Another life question he’s been grappling with lately is how people derive meaning in their lives; there must be some balance in meaning between the day-to-day, the career more broadly, and personal life.. And what he’s noticed is that most people tend to derive the most meaning out of their personal life, and he feels like he’s mostly focused on deriving meaning out of his overarching career aspirations. Also, he doesn’t think anyone derives any meaning out of their day-to-day- everyone basically hates it, because working is terrible, and the only people who “like working” have just convinced themselves that they have to do it, so they might as well enjoy what they’re doing. Just thought that was worth noting, it’s an interesting concept. I think, as much as I’d try to derive meaning out of my career and feel driven by the importance of what I’m doing, my personal life will still give me the most meaning- by having and maintaining my friendships, whether I’m in a steady relationship or not, staying close (emotionally) with my family. I think that’s the only thing that could give me day-to-day meaning, since the day-to-day of my job doesn’t give any meaning that’s accessible. And having a meaningful career is only accessible in retrospect, once you’ve reached a certain point in your career that you can say your work is making a meaningful contribution to your field... But who can wait 20 years to feel like their lives are meaningful? It sounds like a recipe for disaster- the only other option is to replace that meaning with your personal life, right?

[viglianogis4680-blog]

Blog post 5

Proto-fascism: It takes a lot of power in me not to vomit reading this particular section. I also do not have any particular questions, considering the vocabulary and structure of the article is easily understandable while the opinion is also horrifically clear. The Inequality of Human Races, as well as the addressed to the German Nation are both clear examples of ethnonationalism and convoluted views of human nature at it’s core. The address to the German Nation in particular, makes a point about how a group of people who share a common language are somehow, in their human nature, more connected to each other… Literally no critical thinking is necessary to understand that the development of language is a social construct (not FOXP2) but the actual process of speaking a set of words defined as a “language”…and how easily that sentence can be deconstructed and proven incorrect. With that said, I do understand that there was an agenda behind these pieces, so while it may seem twisted to me, it was (arguably still is) somehow a widely accepted and officiated belief.

 German Fascism/Hitler/Dexler/Goebbels: My previous sarcastic statement about stopping myself from vomiting has now become literal. Hitlers first letter on the Jewry was disgusting to read but nonetheless not surprising because it’s…Hitler. The pseudo-science used to justify the alienation of the Jewish population is something I have heard of before, but now actually reading it in Hitler’s own words is completely different. I wonder how people were able to believe these supposed “scientific” accusations without any legitimate scientific evidence? Or is my understanding of scientific evidence non-applicable here in this situation due to the time period? I doubt it.  Something interesting I noticed in point 3 of the Program of the German Workers party: “We demand land and territory (colonies) to feed our people and to settle our surplus population”…. Did the UN like model their deal from this point for German Jews being sent to Palestine after the Holocaust? I’m not sure but I just find it kind of ironic that Hitler said this, and then the UN who supposedly disagreed with him, then took the Jews and did what Hitler wanted for Germans just in an already established state…hypocritical much?

 Italian Fascism/Mussolini: Something that always fascinated me was how Mussolini went from being a socialist to a fascist. Something that stuck out to me in “What is Fascism” is a part where he describes “The Fascist State organizes the nation, but leaves a sufficient margin of liberty to the individual”…. This is either a camera obscura, a belief of agency over structure, or possibly just a bold face lie. I think it could be all three, giving people the belief that they actually have agency, when in fact their ‘decisions’ are only created within the structure they are within, it’s a camera obscura in the sense that the state is perpetuating ideas of freedom and liberty but is literally engaging in ethnic cleansing.

 Karl Polanyi’s The Great Transformation: I find it interesting in the introduction where it states, “Neoliberals have insisted that the new technologies of communications and transportation make it both inevitable and desirable that the world economy be tightly integrated through expanded trade and capital flows and the acceptance of the Anglo-American model of free market capitalism”. This whole sentence is funny to me because I am aware at end of the day that liberalism does not address the underlying issues of capitalism, and tries to perceive itself as progressive in a sense but only within very minimal parameters. Even though I was aware of this, reading that sentence just really stuck out to me as liberals/neoliberals being the pushing force for 20th century colonialism, and I had just never thought of it in those terms before.

 Gramsci on Fascism: Gramsci’s pieces are very attractive to me, not only because I can clearly understand the language used, but because his ideas are so revolutionary and appropriate for the current political climate we have here in the US.  In “Neither Fascism nor Liberalism: Sovietism!” Gramsci argues that to combat fascism, we must not rely on Liberals or the Liberal party, because they were the ones who opened the doors for the fascists in the first place. It very much reminds me of Hillary and Trump. In “Democracy and Fascism”, Gramsci lays out a critical argument which I whole-heartedly stand behind. He says essentially that democracy, specifically in Italy, has created a camera obscura for the working class. He also states that fascism destroyed whatever minimal amounts of democracy they had left in Italy, which is another interesting aspect to think about relating to today.

 The Gramsci Reader: Our Marx really puts general leftist thought into perspective. Who really is a Marxist? An important question I ask myself TOO MUCH. I think this section does a good job of not deifying Marx, it in fact brings him down a bit, too a much more human level. The Conquest of the State is an important section because it outlines how crucial it is for combining and bringing together the working class. The state has conquered through divide and conquer strategies since its inception; like the section states, “The principle of combination can and must be seen as the central feature of the proletarian revolution”. This is something that needs to be clearly stated today.

 Essays by Pound: In A Few Don’t’s, Pound talks about, “some may consider open to debate”, but is he referring to his previous sentence, or the one following? Rhythm and Rhyme is surprisingly really informing to me personally. I’ve taken a poetry class, and I took it pretty seriously, so I learned a lot. But reading through this section I am also learning quiet a bit and I find it very interesting how Pound connects poets to behaving as musicians. I wonder if the first rapper was inspired by Ezra Pound (sarcasm but not really)? The Primary Pigment and the Turbine are perfect examples of pieces of art that I just cannot understand from simply just reading once. I like how all of the pieces flow into each other, and how some words are in all caps.

 Cantos: XLV is very interesting. My understanding of Italian almost helps a bit with grasping this piece, especially with the words in Latin. It keeps repeating with interest, with interest, with interest. It keeps reminding the reader, in my opinion, that no matter what happens, living under this system, when you take out money you build interest, when you make something you build interest, when you buy something you build interest. Again, there are words in all caps. XLVIII also has a very interesting part that I cannot overlook, “Bismarck blamed American civil war on the jews, particularly on the Rothschild one of whom remarked to Disraeli that nations were fools to pay rent for their credit”. Wow. “That nations were fools to pay rent for their credit”…. Could he possibly mean the UN sending the German Jews over to Palestine to live there (pay rent) to absolve themselves of the ‘payment’ they owe the Jews (their credit)?

 Marinetti Essay: I literally can’t even get 3 stanza’s into this essay without already disagreeing with something. “We futurists, on the other hand, affirm the continuous perfection and endless progress of humankind, both psychological and intellectual, as absolute principles of Futurism”… Not to sound like an Anarchist, but does he really believe in the Modernization Theory? Doesn’t the idea of human beings becoming more “advanced” and “civilized” prevent people from seeing the truth of regression? Almost like having an African-American president perpetuate an idea of post-racial America while masking the truth of the continuation of systemic racism?

 Cultural Criticism & Society: This essay is very intellectually stimulating. There’s a part I don’t understand, but I really wish I did. “The position of the cultural critic, by virtue of its difference from the prevailing disorder, enables him to go beyond it theoretically, although often he merely falls behind”. Is he saying cultural critics are able to somehow transcend theoretical ideals of the culture they’re studying, but ends up falling back on simply theories?

 The Beach Beneath the Street: The Everyday Life and Glorious Times of the Situationist: There’s an interesting comment made in Chapter 2, it says, “Bataille’s view of the city took as its starting point the sacred architecture at this center, which he made the site from which to dethrone God”. The last part about dethroning God, what exactly is implied there? In chapter 4, the top of page 47 says, “In Bill’s aesthetic, beauty both derives from function and is a function”. This is interesting to think about not simply through the lens of the cliché, “beauty is a lot more than what’s on the outside”, it makes me think more about the symbolism behind this art during the time period, and what the art actually ‘functions’ in doing.