#opening it up to tha world. phoning in a friend (the mutuals and my beloved followers)

[ectonurites]

do you have any batfam fic recs that aren't fanon or are mostly true to canon? i started out as wfa fan and i used to really enjoy the more fanony fics before i started reading comics and realised how much characters were changed. so if you have any recs that stay true to canon, i'd love to read them!!

oh anon honestly I haven’t touched batfic in a long time [mainly because i just get so picky/i can only take so much heavily fanon-y stuff before it just stops being enjoyable for me personally] so I really am not the best person to give recs like this </3

if anyone following me has recs though pleaze feel free to reply/add onto this!!

[inhalareexhalare]

Hung out with Nynaeve today. The whole afternoon we watched and commented on a bunch of colorful, adventure and psychological anime.

At night we talked about our fears. She said that she used to fear making mistakes most when she was a kid. Now it might be that she fears being alone most. She said she can only envy people who are capable of feeling tired of having too much company.

I shared about my nighttime anxiety to her, and I found out it was news to her. I seem to really not talk about these things at all. No wonder Karu thought I was a whole different person that one anxiety-attack night. Also told her about this blog and the other day-time blog I discontinued (because I generally am busy and more motivated in the first half of the day, which tends to be a pain sometimes because I’d have too many things I’d like to add in the blog that the content ends up small. Make sense?). 

She told me to give her the link so she can add me, and I’d like that, but this is a private blog. I am not yet comfortable sharing this with people that are emotionally involved with me, especially mutually. (Because anxiety yes?)

I'm glad to have hung out with my beloved younger sister and best friend, Nynaeve. She was troubled by our relatives who live in a toxic environment. Their stress have found their way to her. It's also sad how most churches of today force their version of the truth into its people (which should have been the church in the first place). I believe that people should be allowed the freedom to explore. The freedom to make mistakes. The freedom to learn. The freedom to find God personally.

How else do you find yourself?

Other people can't do that for you.

But I do understand why this always happens. Even small-scale. In families, parents and elders (everyone, really, depending on which perspective you take) are always compelled to control things beyond their control, to protect the people they love. The intent is good, but the heart is wrong.

All life is equal. What right do we have to impose our truths to another?

On that note, I'm still stubborn about one for all and all for one.

All life is equal. It's not a better world if one person has to suffer for everyone else's "good". We're not doing things “for the good of the world” until we're doing it for everybody.

Karu's resting on his own by the way. Nynaeve and I have been hanging out in the living room.

I hope he hasn't been lonely, but he needed solitude for rest. I love him.

2018-10-21 20:20 Philippines

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I hate people.

I hate people some nights. I'm not sure yet if it's all nights.

Took a really long walk outside, and Nynaeve willingly accompanied me. She didn't want to go home because of the emotional lashing of our two uncles at her for eating dinner late (which was overly emotional by the way. There’s nothing Nynaeve could have done with the conditions of working midshift which ends at 23:00).

We went our separate ways sweetly. I love my sister.

I met Karu outside the apartment. I apologized for forgetting to bring my phone, and worrying him.

I hate people. Ira's drinking friends are still at our unit.

It’s nothing personal. I’ve talked about this with Nynaeve too. I don’t hate them as persons; but I somehow “hate people” (in a general sense perhaps. It’s not very logical) at times like these.

I'm here now inside the room so it's relatively peaceful and quiet.

I thought I'd watch some stuff with Karu to make up for the whole afternoon I was emotionally away (yes I usually can only accommodate one person at a time), but he seems to feel the need to entertain the guests.

For now, I should rest. I am so Dead.

Must. Rest.

2018-10-21 22:21 Philippines

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Ends up Karu and I continue Boku Dake ga Inai Machi.

I cry somewhere in the middle though, after I opened the second bag of chips and he jokingly exclaimed, "there's no use being sorry about it, it won't reseal the bag!" 

And I put it down and almost immediately start crying mad. It wasn't noisy, just gaspings for air and irregular breathing and tears of what I felt was like non-stop pouring streams from cracks and cracks of breaking glass.

Karu embraced me as quickly as he sensed something off when I put the bag down and asked what's wrong or what he did wrong.

I shook my head to say it's not his fault. I only said, "I'm stupid. I'm useless."

He insisted gently as he can that that can't be it, but that's all, I said. It really is all.

Even I know I'm being illogical. That's the frustrating part. I hate myself. I hate it when I ruin things for other people. Why do I do these things?

Why do I cry?

2018-10-22 01:00 Philippines

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He stayed with me until I calmed down.

It'd be bad if this goes on. Karu was still recovering too. And his head hurt. Also, he took too many shots of tequila.

Goal #3: Take a deep breath, and hold the heart, exhale "Focus."

(Let's try creating a calming prompt/routine/cue word)

It was getting deep in the early morning so we decided to cut off the anime marathon.

I love to caress him when he feels shocked or worried (my alarm woke him up. It was strangely louder than usual). But I don't like it when he gets worried.

I love him.

I can still feel the heavy sensation of my eyelids from all that crying and from sleepiness. We went to lie down on the floor at 2 in the morning I think.

We should get decent sleep later tonight. Now I remember that he'd planned the day before yesterday to get a long good sleep last night.

Must rest properly!

I should get ready for work now.

I think we should set an activity curfew at night so our bodies can adjust to an earlier sleeping time. 

It's too hard on the body to not sleep on time, and to not sleep enough hours.

2018-10-22 05:30 Philippines