the-gnomish-bastard

[the-gnomish-bastard]

I have only a few issues with the last tf2 comic:

No pyro storyline about the business he left.

No demo storyline about somehow becoming the founder of a whiskey company and factory, of which he only has one person employed and it’s himself with literally all of the jobs in the building.

No medic storyline about returning that man’s skeleton or trying to redeem one of his many souls or sell one of his many souls to any other magical being.

That’s pretty much it. Other than that, 10/10, would wait 7 years again.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Hey Gnome, wanna see my new cat? It cane in a small shipping crate.

Yes. Show me the smuggled kitty

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Ooooo… the answer we were looking for was Privileged upper middle class person… better luck next time

the "ACAB" leaving peoples bodies the second the NYPD tells them its okay to cyberstalk this random guy

[the-gnomish-bastard]

If you try hard enough, you too can be a cause of ceos to know fear.

Turns out even my own alter is just gross about trans women, and the only reason he even thinks positively of me is because he’s stuck in the same body as me.

Is there even a fucking point in going on? It’s not like anyone actually gives a shit about me.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

How can someone be assigned cop at birth?

the "ACAB" leaving peoples bodies the second the NYPD tells them its okay to cyberstalk this random guy

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Good. Keep it up. I expect our gnome profit margins to double by next quarter.

I drew a bunch of gnomes 🐌

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Hey guess what: you are a fabulous bastard of a gnome, your dastardly deeds don’t go unnoticed, and your blog is regularly amusing!

*throws a single wooden coin with a frog carved in it*

Take notes people. This has confused me more than any of you ever have.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

…Really? That’s the best you could come up with for that? My goblin, Krug, made a better joke involving the size of Saturn and the fact that the rings of Saturn stretched wider than the planet. You’re losing your touch.

Been a while since I did anything evil, so to keep you all on your toenails, I have cursed someone more evil than me to die. To make me more evil on the scale, of course.

…

What do you mean he’s already dead?

…

He got shot? Why? A CEO? Of what? US Healthcare? Fuck, he was evil.

So… my goblins inform me that I’m a bit late for the news…

What’s something evil I can do…? Oh, I can go back and change election results!

…

What do you mean he’s already won? I didn’t do anything yet!

Fucking hells, you people make this hard. I’m just gonna stick to my usual gimmick. Say goodbye to Saturn.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Been a while since I did anything evil, so to keep you all on your toenails, I have cursed someone more evil than me to die. To make me more evil on the scale, of course.

…

What do you mean he’s already dead?

…

He got shot? Why? A CEO? Of what? US Healthcare? Fuck, he was evil.

So… my goblins inform me that I’m a bit late for the news…

What’s something evil I can do…? Oh, I can go back and change election results!

…

What do you mean he’s already won? I didn’t do anything yet!

Fucking hells, you people make this hard. I’m just gonna stick to my usual gimmick. Say goodbye to Saturn.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Yeah, we’re out here.

🪄 lingwizard Follow

Magilinguistics and magiconlinguistics are so underrated. The idea that the specific language and syntax used to cast a spell can alter the efficiency and flow of a spell is amazing; it’s honestly infuriating how many people, including many mages, think Latin is the only valid conjuring language even though glossolalia is a WELL-DOCUMENTED PHENOMENON. I use many other languages in various spells and it’s really fun. Would recommend.

🪶 featherspells Follow

YOU CAN DO THAT? YOU CAN TRANSLATE LATIN SPELLS INTO A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE AND THEY’LL WORK!?! EVEN YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE?!

🌱 gandalfbignaturals Follow

Yeah, welcome to the club! Using your native language isn’t recommended for summoning forces from other realms, though. The portals tend to collapse if you do that.

🗝️ keytomychest Follow

Wait wait wait, I just consulted my familiar about this, is magiconlinguistics modifying or inventing an entire language to optimize your magic? Because that sounds like something both extremely commendable and also batshit insane.

🌳 druid-ruin Follow

Yeah, that’s basically exactly what it is. We’re surprisingly pretty chill. I mean, except for that one time where someone hyper-optimized Taikureiden Suomen Kieli V5 to create the first, and most dangerous, known instance of the Everything-Damage Fireball spell, but we usually don’t talk about that.

🪄 lingwizard Follow

Ah, Taikureiden Suomen Kieli, the most absolutely broken magilang to ever exist. Go Finland, give us more fucked-up spells!

🪶 featherspells Follow

wait, the Everything-Damage Fireball is REAL? I thought you guys were joking.

🌳 druid-ruin Follow

We WERE joking. ONCE.

🔥 icastfireball Follow

on one hand, this is really cool and all, but on the other hand, i'm scared of what this can do. However, on the secret third hand, i kinda wanna modify a language to make demonic creatures physically sick upon hearing it, cause i wanna do a little trolling.

🪄 lingwizard Follow

Grand Mage Amara Lightningchain coming up with the idea for the Volapük Silananazunik experiments be like:

🔥 icastfireball Follow

hold on let me look something up

🔥 icastfireball Follow

wh. what the fuck

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Hey. Saw your post. You wanna talk?

Talking never helps. I’ve taken to just doubling my crying time on my schedule.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

burning text gif maker

heart locket gif maker

minecraft advancement maker

minecraft logo font text generator w/assorted textures and pride flags

windows error message maker (win1.0-win11)

FromSoftware image macro generator (elden ring Noun Verbed text)

image to 3d effect gif

vaporwave image generator

microsoft wordart maker (REALLY annoying to use on mobile)

you're welcome

[the-gnomish-bastard]

I cast

RINGING IN ONE EAR AT RANDOM!

Already have that.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Most spell casters can read:

Bards read lyrics and music sheets and consent forms

Warlocks read the contracts of their pact

Clerics read their holy book, which is very historically accurate

Druids can’t read

Sorcerers can’t read

Artificers can read all sorts of shit cause they normally got so looney toons glasses with about 40 magnifying glasses

Paladins can read, but only on a 3rd grade level

Rangers can’t read

And though they aren’t spellcasters, monks can definitely read.

Fun fact, in most f fantasy settings wizard should be the only ones able to read.

This comes from the fact that, for a majority of history, no one was able to read, and those you had to spend several years as a scribe just to learn, with this knowledge, it then makes magic incredibly easy to learn in the modern day. Everyone should be casting magic.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

I once said that spite was one of the few things that kept me going, the others being how would my death be explained to my dog and also that despite my over a dozen attempts, I did not succeed. Can’t even end it properly.

Well, lately I’ve had a lot of spite for myself and I haven’t seen my dog in a while. Last time I did, she didn’t seem to care that I was home.

Due to current events and conditions I have been busy and unhappy. This is why I haven’t been doing much here. Depending on how future events happen you may hear even less from me, more from me, or never again from me. If the final is the outcome, I wish you all a good life.

[the-gnomish-bastard]

I cast

...

Forgive yourself

Counterspell!

How could I ever?

[the-gnomish-bastard]

*knocking on his door.*

gnomish, have you been sending carrion crawlers to my ranch you sunova bitch?

Nope. Definitely not. I have no idea what that means so… not me. Totally not me. Who said it was?