#opened up like this big tin of them and there was a whole chili and clove of garlic IN the oil

[zamalie]

just me and my foreign anchovies against the world

[writingsthatarebestignored]

Sunday Visits

The ground is frozen, the air is crisp, yet the sun is warm. It is a Sunday morning in November. It is also snowing rather daintily and I make muddy tracks in the snow on my way up the hill from the winter lot. I open the gate and drive the four wheeler through and then the gate clangs shut behind me.

A cow down in the lot bellows in response to the metal bang.

I chain the gate and drive the four wheeler into the barn. It's cozy in here. For a moment, I stop in the wide opening of the barn and glare across the driveway to the house. The snow continues to swirl as it has all through my morning chores. I hike up my hood around my head and plunge into the snowy wind and towards the house.

I pass the chicken coop and risk a look into the wind so I can check on the chickens. Most of them are huddled in their roosts, but three are in the doorway and a small handful are gathered under the rose bush. With red, shivering fingers, I open the tin bin and toss a plastic scoopful of cracked corn under where the awning has shielded the ground from snow. They all start to clucking and squabbling, braving the cold for the food.

I don't have time to watch them this morning. Or, rather, I don't want to take the time to watch them this morning. It is too chilly for my bones and so I quickly turn tail for the warmth beckoning to me from my old house, stomping off the snow from my boots and onto the porch. I can barely wait for that hot mug of coffee and the crackling of the fire to warm my poor fingers.

Today was definitely a potato soup kind of day... I'd have to make some for lunch.

I hang up my coat behind the front door and make my way to the great room where the coffee pot is sitting above the wooden stove. I hesitate above the handle, and not just because I want to warm up my hands. My mug has been displaced. Usually I set it on the side table before chores so it'll be an easy pour when I get inside.

Where did it go? It didn't just grow legs! That was my favorite mug!

Maybe I just forgot to get it off the rack. Didn't really sound like something I'd do but anything is possible.

I go to the kitchen to locate the mug rack but instead see my steaming mug of coffee on the kitchen windowsill. The mug is half full, someone has been drinking from it and, likely, watching me from the window. I dip my pinky into the brew and stick it in my mouth. If the tan color had not already tipped me off, the coffee was very sweet.

"Hey, get your nasty fingers outta my coffee!"

I jump until I nearly touch the ceiling and, my heart racing, I turn to the old man emerging from my pantry. "Not nice, not cool!" I scold, hand over my chest. "Don't you know any better?" He laughs, his tongue poking out through the gap in his missing teeth for a moment.

Secretly, I am relieved. It's good to see him again after all this time. I nearly thought he was gone for good.

"This is my mug," I tell him while furrowing my eyebrows in reprimand and picking the object up.

He laughs again and god how I've missed him. He shuffles toward the sink and me and I watch him come closer. He takes the mug from me and I find I can't stop smiling.

It's been so long since he's visited. I really thought he was gone for good.

"As I recall, this was my mug first."

"But I've always admired it and so I claimed it for myself."

"Like a sneak, when my back was turned."

"Can't blame me. It's a very nice mug."

He sips from his mug, staring at me over the brim. I lean back against the sink counter with my arms braced behind me. It's so good to be in his presence again. I wonder if he knows how I've missed him?

"It's a very nice mug. Can't blame ya, no I can't. "

My cheeks begin to hurt because of how much I'm smiling. By the slightly unappreciative and scolding look he's giving me, I can tell he's noticed. He hits me over the head with the latest issue of Full Cry, his favorite magazine, affectionately and that just increases my smile.

"Hey! Stop that!" I take a moment to fix my hair in the kitchen window's reflection, a vain trait of mine that has always annoyed him. I'm surprised he didn't try to bop me again. "Come on, it's freezing in here. Let's warm up by the fire." I grab another mug from the rack and we both go to the great room to sit in front of the wood stove. I pull his chair around and he settles into it as an old man would, slowly and then heavily all at once, making small grunts of effort. He was waves off my help at every offer.

I pour myself a cup of coffee once he's settled. I drink it black like he used to but now, in his older years, he prefers sweet. I blow across the top of the mug and look at him. I cannot express how much I've missed him.

He looks cozy, in his big arm chair that I keep around just for him. No one besides myself and him get to sit in that old, beaten, loved on chair. Lots of my guests tell me I should throw it out, even chastise me to move on. But how can I move on when he keeps coming back to visit me?

He looks up at me from staring through the grated door of the wood stove. He grins and it looks as goofy and amazing as it always did. His large ears stand out from his head, his eyes are watery and bright as though he is always almost seconds away from laughing so hard he cries, a big old hooked nose dead center of his face, and a mouth full of missing teeth. Wrinkles and spots cover his face and hands. His fingers are long and their tips and palms are calloused as a testimony to a hard farming life, a projection of how I'll be myself in my last days.

I look back up at his face and, for a moment, I swear he wiggles his ears at me. "So," he begins, holding the mug close to his chest and ducking his chin so that the steam rises into his face, "how have things been?"

"Oh, you know." I recline back against the hard wooden dining chair and shrug. "It's cold and miserable out. Gonna be a hard winter I think if it's starting this early."

He nods solemnly. "I think so."

"How are things on your end?"

"Just about the same, I think."

"That's good, that's good."

"Have you been out hunting this year yet?"

"Opening night was just yesterday night, old man!" I laugh and shake his knee playfully.

"Oh!" He looks truly embarrassed and it almost fills me with shame. I didn't mean to speak with any derision. "Sorry." He lifts his wide, flat billed, trucker's cap to scratch his head. His hair is thinning and white, the top of his head is spotted where there is almost no hair, yet his hair is still long on the sides. The tips are a bleached, maybe dirtied, yellow and end just shy of his shoulders. The hat comes back down to cover his head again. "The months have been getting away from me lately."

I smile at him, feeling apologetic. "That's all right. Happens from time to time."

He looks back at me with a sad smile that tugs at my heart into my throat so hard it hurts. "So, how'd opening night go?" he asks instead.

"Just fine," I say sarcastically with a great roll of my eyes. His hearty chuckle fills me with a happy kind of glow. "We treed in a hole in the ground; possum of course. Treed up a little sapling, another possum. Then, finally, the old boy got two up a tree. Great big ones too. Let one of them go."

"Did you go to the coon hunt?"

"At the VFW? Yeah. Only I signed up. No one goes much anymore. Their chili wasn't bad this year. Last year's was better though. Homemade pickles were too hot for me. I didn't like them anyway."

"Did ya win anything?"

"Yeah, brought the biggest one in. Fifty dollar prize. For the raffle, eh... got this nifty little canteen. Bob gave me a good ribbing for my coon. Said it was half the size of me."

"Bob still half the size of a cow himself?"

I nearly cackle as I nod. "You remember Bubba?" God, that man was a throwback.

It's his turn to cackle, throwing his head back. I relish the sight. Oh, how I have missed him something fierce. "I sure do. A good old boy."

"You remember some of the stories my dad would tell about him?" A shadow of worry crosses my mind. I haven't spoken of my father in...

"Yes. A good old boy indeed."

"The earthquake, the telephone pole, the side mirror." I shake my head as I hold my aching ribs from laughing so hard, but there's a hint of hurt and pain beneath it all.

"You remember those stories I used to tell you of my old, ornery mule?" He sounds quick to move the subject and, internally, I'm grateful.

"I'm sure I do, but I'd love to hear them all again."

My whole morning is spent reminiscing on all his stories. By about noon, I get up and tell him I'm making potato soup, his favorite. He grins that dopey grin and adjusts the blanket on his lap so he can reach up and refill his coffee mug. I come back to the great room and start to peel potatoes next to him.

We've spent all morning chatting and remembering so that the silence that settles between us is comfortable.

He sits quietly, watching me peel the potatoes. His large hands are in his lap, one over the other. His fingernails are long and in need of a clipping, some are cracked and a little yellow. He is old. Must be up in his nineties now. I realize I am staring again but it's just that I've missed him so much. It's been so long since I've seen him.

I pause, suddenly becoming self conscious under his gaze. "The latest issue of Full Cry came in this month, you know? Some stories in it you might enjoy. Last month's is over in the pile. It's a bit of a dull read though. Not as good as this month."

He simply nods, looking away from me and my hands and potatoes and back into the fire. Through the grates in the stove door, I can see flames dance in the reflection of his eyes. He looks haunted. I ache deep in my chest as I finish the last potato peel and drop it into the pot that's already boiling on the stove.

I know he'll leave soon. He never stays passed dinner. Hardly ever stays to eat. I'm just glad he's visiting me this year. He missed last year and the year before that he didn't appear until December. I settle back into my dining chair and look over at him.

Suddenly, as I stare and desperately try to memorize every detail, tears start blur my vision. My nose hurts as my eyes sting and my lower lip starts to tremble while my tongue tries to recede back into my throat. I won't have him for very long now. The seconds are ticking.

He looks at me again and his smile is so soft and warm and sad. He seems to read my mind. "Don't worry," he pats my hand, "one day you'll come with me and you'll be my sidekick again."

I'm crying. I feel the hot tears dripping off my chin and landing coldly on the backs of my hands. He leans over and takes my hands in his.

Quietly, he whispers, "I've been gone five years." He says it so softly, like he's scared of spooking me. Maybe scared of leaving too soon.

Please, don't leave until I'm ready.

But I'll never be ready... will I?

"Six almost now, and I know. I just miss you so much." I bend forward so far that my head is in his lap and he's stroking my hair as I sob deeply.

"I love you, I'll see you soon." Eventually, I feel his presence start to lift, bit by bit. I grab onto his blanket, feeling his legs start to fade. At first, they're warm and firm and then the muscle starts to atrophy until all I'm gripping is bones and then he finally fades to nothing.

I sit back up and stare at where he was just moments ago. I use his blanket to wipe at my tears and then I start to wail all over again as I realize I didn't verbally remind him that I love him too. I hope he visits me next year, I'll say it over and over again until my tongue falls out. How I've missed him so much.

I find my legs and put his chair back where it belongs and drain his mug in the sink. I stare out across the driveway and to the barn. The snow is really coming down out there. Sunday's were our day, I'd visit him every Sunday, no matter the weather. We'd sit together and talk over coffee and I'd leave just after dinner.

I miss him so much. I miss him so much. I just miss him so much. I wrap myself back up in his blanket and curl up in his chair as I wait for the potato soup to get done.

[k-liight]

Green Hearts part 2

Here's part two, just like I promised! yeah, three months later and I finally finish the second part lmao. More swearing ahead, just like in the first part, but no smoking this time (thanks Ace!)-- however this IS ridiculously cheesy so beware of that LMAO. part 1 is here for those of you who didn't read it. I highly reccomend you read it before carrying on with this lol. hope y'all enjoy this! and special thanks to @ghostly-rowlf, @beankich, and @slither-sol for your kind words on the first part!!

   Crash!    “Gah! Son of a bitch!!”    I rush to steady the stacks of Pringles that I stupidly crashed my shopping cart into. I thought I had control of this damn thing. Luckily, none of the Pringles fell over. I snatch a tin from the shelf and sigh deeply.    Ever since last night, I’ve been a frazzled mess. Why does Ace have to be so pushy? Now he’s probably pissed at me, and the other guys likely wondering what the hell came over me. Am I ever gonna be able to even show my face around them again? Probably not.    Or maybe I’m just overreacting. Ace was probably just trying to help me. Well doesn’t that make me look like a jackass.    “Light!”    “Huh?” I look around and see a small green figure running towards me. It’s Arturo.    “There you are!” he cries out as he approaches me. “I’ve been looking all over for you!” He puts his hands against his head, making him look stressed out. “Ay caramba, what are you wearing?!”    I glance down at my usual ratty jeans and t-shirt ensemble, then not as far down at Arturo. “What do you mean, what am I wearing? What’s going on??”    “No time for that now!!” He grabs my arm and yanks me from my shopping cart, running towards the exit. Damn, for someone with such tiny little legs, he sure can run fast. He must’ve had a lot of coffee this morning. Before I know it, we’re out the door and running down the street.    “Where are you taking me??” I ask.    “To where you’re supposed to be!” Arturo answers. What? The hell is that supposed to mean? I’m so confused. I’m about to open my mouth again when Arturo suddenly stops and pulls me down.    “Wait a second—I have got to do something about that hair.”    He takes out his treasured comb and runs it through my hair. His little fingers assist him, flattening my hair in places and fluffing it up in others. Geez, my hair is short, there can’t be too much wrong with it. With a final tease to the back, he pulls away.    “There. Much more presentable.” He smiles for a bit, admiring his handywork, then whisks me away again. “Now come on, you’re late!”    “Late?!” I squawk. “Late for what?!”    “Your date! You’re late for your date!”    “DATE?! What the fuck are you talking about??!?!”    Before I can figure out what the hell kind of stunt Arturo’s trying to pull, he finally comes to a halt in front of a cute little 50’s-looking diner. I see Ace, Billy, and Grubber sitting at one of the patio tables outside the diner. Arturo finally lets me go and makes his way to the others. But where’s Snake?    “I’ve got her!” Arturo says, making his way to the other three. Ace stands up.    “About time! What da hell took yous so long?”    “Hey, I can only go so fast!” Arturo whines. I roll my eyes. I’m calling bullshit on that one.    “Okay, I’m here now, now can one of you idiots please tell me what the hell is going on??!?!”    Ace stands up, and dramatically points to the large restaurant window.    “Snake has been waitin’ in there for yous all by hisself for fifteen minutes now!”    “Wha—”    I cut myself off when I see Snake sitting at one of the little tables inside the diner. One of his arms rests on the table, and his legs are crossed. He’s absentmindedly playing with his hair again. His usual tanktop and shorts ensemble has been swapped for a cute turquoise off-shouldered top and a black skirt. His expression looks dazed, but with a twinge of something else… sadness? Worry? Restlessness? As if he’s expecting something major to happen. He looks so quaint sitting there, all dolled up. And then it hits me.    “You—” the realization leaves me gasping for air— “you guys set me up on a date with Snake?!”    “Ey, didn’t I tell yous that if ya didn’t make a move I was gonna do it for yous?” Ace puts his hands on his hips. I remember fully well that he said that, but I didn’t think he would actually go through with it, let alone so soon!    “Wh-what do I do?! I’m not prepared for this!!” I grab my hair out of nervousness.    “Hey!” Arturo yells. “I just fixed that!”    “What you need to do is just go in dere and be yourself,” Ace says. “The last thing yous wanna do is panic.”    “Dah—Snake will be happy to see you!” Billy beams.    “That’s right!” Grubber raspberries.    “Oh, by the way, you left your nice jacket at our place last night,” Arturo says. “It might come in handy right now.” He holds up my black motorcycle jacket. Shit, I forgot all about that thing.    “Haha, thanks guys.” I take the jacket and put it on. I take a quick glance at myself in the reflection on the window. I’m no Danny Zuko, but it’ll have to do.    “Now go on,” Ace says. “Your date awaits.” He gestures to Snake inside the diner. “Go get ‘im.” He claps my shoulder and pushes me toward the door.    “Good luck!” Billy yells.    I give an awkward wave to the rest of the gang, unable to say much more at this point. Oh god, I’m really doing this. I’m going on an impromptu date with Snake. Holy shit. I peer at him through the glass door and swallow the lump in my throat.    With a final burst of confidence, I push through the door and make my way to Snake’s table.    Snake’s head shoots up as he sees me enter. A wide, adorable smile breaks across his face. There’s no way he can be looking at me like that.    “Light! You’sss finally here!”    “Yeah sorry, I kinda didn’t know we were doing this until like five seconds ago, pardon me…” I chuckle nervously as I pull into the chair across from him.    “I wasss waiting for you~.” Snake smirks, resting his chin on his interlocked fingers and gazing into my soul with half-lidded eyes. God, he’s gorgeous. I tug at my shirt collar. Fuck, we just started and I’m already losing it, how am I supposed to keep my cool for an entire date with this creature?    “Haha… sorry to keep you waiting for so long…"    “It’sss alright.” Snake’s smile looks a bit less mischievous now. “Thisss whole thing wasss a little lassst-minute for me too.”    “At least Ace gave you time to pick a freaking outfit.”    Snake drops his composure and falls into hissy laughter.    “Yesss, it doesssn’t look like he gave you nearly asss much time, no offenssse."    “None taken. He literally had Arturo drag me out of the supermarket and fix my hair on the way here.”    “Really?” Snake giggles again. His laugh is so adorable, what the hell.    “Really. Luckily my sweet-ass jacket here makes up for my otherwise shitty presentation.” I smirk, or attempt one at least, pointing at my jacket.    “It really isss a niccce jacket. Black looksss good on you.”    “Thanks. Black looks pretty great on you too.” I gesture under the table towards his skirt.    “Thanksss…” He looks down and blushes, like he wasn’t expecting me to give him any compliments. Maybe he wasn’t. The gang was more used to having insults hurled at them. None of them really know how to respond to compliments. Snake twirls his hair again, daring a soft glance back up at me with those big eyes. Ace was right, he is rather shy. So cute. I open my mouth to say something, but a waitress comes to our table and interrupts me.    “Oh, is this the date you were waiting on?” she asks in an airy voice.    “Yesss,” Snake simply states.    “Aww, you didn’t have to wait for me, you could’ve ordered something.”    “It’sss okay, I wanted to wait.”    “Well, can I start you two off with something to drink?”    “Oh shoot, I didn’t even think about the menu.” I chuckle a bit, quickly picking up the menu and trying to find the beverage section. “Uuuhhh, I’m definitely gonna need a few minutes.”    “That’s alright.” She smiles warmly, then turns to Snake. “You?”    “Uhh, can I hasss the strawberry milkshake pleassse?” He turns to me. “Wait, do youss mind me ordering sssomething now?”    “Nah go ahead, you’ve waited on me long enough.” I lean back in my chair a bit.    “So a strawberry milkshake for you?”    “Yesss pleassse.”    “Alright then, coming right up!” The bubbly waitress heads back towards the kitchen.    “Crap, where even is the drinks section?”    “It’sss on the back.”    “Of course it is. Thanks.” I flip to the back, yep, there it is. I peer at the menu for a few seconds, then look back up at Snake. He’s studying his own menu, searching for something to eat, that tongue flickering out in that mesmerizing way, those ruby-red eyes skimming the page. It’s hard to focus on the menu with this beautiful creature sitting across from me. Suddenly, he makes a face and hisses a bit.    “Something wrong?”    “They don’t have mozzarella sssticksss.”    “What?! Those bastards!”    He giggles a bit. “Shame, I wasss looking forward to that.”    “I’m suing!” I joke.    “Pleassse don’t.”    “Here’s your milkshake!” The waitress suddenly comes back with Snake’s milkshake. Holy shit it's HUGE! Snake’s eyes widen in awe at the size of the thing.    “Oh my god. There’sss no way I’m gonna be able to finish thisss all by myssself.”    The waitress giggles. “Maybe you could share it with your date? I’ve got an extra straw.”    Snake immediately gets red-faced. I chuckle nervously.    “Haha, well I was just gonna get a root beer, but if you really need help finishing that…” I look to Snake for approval.    “Well… I guesss it’ll sssave usss money.” He smiles a bit.    “A wise decision!” The waitress plucks a second straw into the milkshake. “Either of you know what to order yet?”    “Errr…” I glance at the menu again. The bacon cheeseburger looks good, but so do the chicken tenders."    “The chili dog looksss good,” Snake says.    “Alright, and for you?” The waitress turns to me.    “I guess I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.”    “Uh-huh, and do you guys want fries with that?”    “Yesss pleassse.”    “Alright, coming right up!” She skips back toward the kitchen. I turn to Snake, smiling a little.    “I like her. She’s really nice.”    “Yeah, she’sss a lot nicccer than everyone elssse here…”    I frown. “What do you mean? Was someone giving you shit before I showed up?”    “No, but everyone keepsss giving me weird looksss…”    I open my mouth to protest, but just one look around the room shows that everyone is, indeed, shooting judgmental looks our direction. A man quickly glancing over his shoulder with hate in his eyes. A little girl staring at us as if we were aliens. A woman side-eyeing us and whispering something to her friend—the only word of which I can pick up is “Gangreen”. The entry bell rings, and a young couple walks in, hand in hand, only to freeze in the doorway upon seeing us and immediately turn around and leave. I scowl. Who the hell do these people think they are?! I clear my throat and turn back to Snake.    “Are they making you uncomfortable? We can leave if you want.”    “But we ssstill need to get our food.”    “We can get it to go. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable on our first date.” I chuckle, trying to ease Snake up a bit. He looks down as if ashamed.    “That would be great, pleassse…” he says softly.    “Okay.” I look around and spot the waitress coming back from another table. “Excuse me!”    She turns to me with a surprised look. “Yes?"    “Is it alright if we get our food to-go? We gotta leave—”    “Oh. Of course!” She seems mildly disappointed at our departure, but retains her cheery disposition.    “Thank you!” I say as she walks away. Snake lowers his head.    “I’m sssorry…”    “Hey, don’t be sorry.” I smile at him, ghosting my hand over his. “I’m not gonna force you to stay here if you don’t want to.”    Snake looks up at me and smiles sadly. He looks really upset, but at least he seems appreciative. Poor boy. No one has the right to make the love of my life upset.    “Well… we may asss well have sssome of our milkshake before we go.”    “Oh yeah, I forgot about that, haha.” I quickly take a sip of the shake. “That’s pretty good.”    “Isss it?” Snake asks before leaning forward for his own sip. “Mmm. Ssso good.”    “Well I’m glad you enjoy it!” The waitress says, surprising both of us. Holy crap, that was fast. She sets down our food and the bill. I automatically fish the money out of my wallet; I wasn’t expecting Snake to pay for the food, nor do I want him stealing it.    “Thank you so much!” I say to her, leaving a tip on the table.    “You’re welcome! Come back anytime!” She gives a friendly wave goodbye and skips off to the kitchen. Snake runs out the door as I pay for our food as quickly as possible. As I meet him outside the door, Snake takes our shake from me.    “Thank you ssso much. I don’t know how much longer I could’ve ssstood that.”    “Not a problem. Where do you wanna go to eat this?”    “Doesss the park sssound okay?”    “The park sounds wonderful.” We begin to make our way toward the park, but Ace stops us from the patio table.    “Hey! Where are yous two goin’ so soon?”    “Snake didn’t want to be there anymore so we’re eating our food at the park!” I yell back at him.    “Oh.” Ace seems surprised. “Well uh, we’ll meet yous later!”    “Ssseeya Accce!”    It’s a rather short walk to the Townsville city park. Snake sips on the milkshake the entire way there. It’s a shame we had to leave the restaurant early, but at least it’s a nice day out. We find a random bench and sit down on it. I place Snake’s food in his lap and open my own.    “Ahhh… thisss isss much better. Nobody’sss bothering usss here—”    Snake cuts himself off as we hear an all-too familiar sound: the sound of a certain trio of little girls flying at breakneck speed towards us.    “Hold it right there, Gangreen Ga—err, Snake!” Blossom commands.    “And Light! I knew you were up to something!” Buttercup adds.    “No stealing on our watch!” Bubbles pouts.    Snake groans.    “Whoa whoa whoa girls,” I begin, “for your information, I paid for this food. I have the receipt right here. See?” I pull out the receipt and wave it in their faces.    “Oh yeah?” Buttercup challenges. “Then why were you two looking around and making sure there was nobody else nearby, huh?”    “Becaussse I wasss hoping we’d be left alone!” Snake hisses.    “Wait, what are you two doing here without the rest of the gang, anyway?” Blossom inquires.    “We’sss on a date,” Snake says rather proudly, hooking his arm around mine and putting his free hand on my shoulder. My face has gotta be as red as Blossom’s bow right now.    “Aww, that’s so sweet!” Bubbles gushes. “You make such a cute couple!”    “Bubbles,” Buttercup growls through her teeth.    “Thank you, Bubblesss,” Snake says, ignoring Buttercup. He snuggles into my side a bit more. Is he just doing this so the Puffs will leave us alone or is it genuine???    “Well, alright, you’re off the hook for now, but we’ve got our eyes on you!” Blossom says. With that, the Puffs fly away, but not before Buttercup shoots one last angry look at us over her shoulder.    “Finally.” Snake slouches into the bench. “Can I pleassse eat my food now?!”    “I think so.” I chuckle. Snake immediately digs into his chili dog. I decide not to question his little display of affection and instead try to focus on my burger.    The next few minutes are spent mostly in silence as we eat our food. Snake’s completely devouring his chili dog, and he snatches a few fries out of my box from time to time. He’s acting like he’s about starving. Hell, he probably is. It’s hard finding food when you don’t have any money to pay for it. I can’t help but chuckle when he finishes his dog.    “What’sss ssso funny?” he asks.    “You’ve got chili sauce all over your face!” I laugh.    “Oh.” Snake’s eyes peer down at himself, and he licks it all off with a single swipe of that crazy tongue. I laugh again as Snake raises the milkshake.    “Want a sssip?” he offers.    “Sure…” I lean forward to take one of the straws, and Snake’s at the other straw in an instant. Shit, our faces are really close. Oh god, he’s making eye contact. Fuck. He bats those long eyelashes a few times and I’m hooked. I swallow the shake and my pride. Even as he pulls away I’m still locked into his gaze. He laughs at me a bit.    “Why do you look ssso shocked?” he asks playfully. I let go of my straw.    “Well I uhhh—I just wasn’t expecting you to do that.”    “Isssn’t that why the niccce waitresss gave usss two strawsss?” He snatches another one of my fries and winks. I have to try not to choke on my own breathlessness.    “I-I-I mean I guess, haha…”    “By the way, are youss gonna finish that?” He points to the last couple bites of my burger. I look down at it for a second or two, then quickly shove it into my mouth.    “Yesh!” I say through a full mouth.    “Good, becaussse I’m ssstealing the ressst of your friesss.”    “Hey!”    He snatches my fries away from me before I can even think about stopping him. Whatever, he can have them. He stands up and throws our empty boxes in the trash. Then, he grabs my hand, pulling me off the bench.    “Wha—”    “Now come on, let’sss go!”    “Go where?”    “Anywheress!”    With that, he takes off running, dragging me along with him. This is the second time today I’ve been dragged into running by a green boy. Though this time, despite my lack of running ability, it’s not as unpleasant. Maybe it’s because Snake’s closer to my height. Or maybe it’s because I actually know what’s going on. Or… fuck it, it’s because I’m in love with him. He leads me into a more wooded area of the park, and the way the sunlight slips in between the trees makes it look like something out of a fairytale. He looks over his shoulder at me as he runs, and the sun illuminates every curve and angle of his face, rolling like waves over that beautiful hair as it sways, and bouncing off his shoulders. But then he flashes a smile that puts the sunshine to shame.    “Come on, ssslowpoke!”    “I—I’m trying!”    Even if I was a good runner, I’d still be struggling to catch my breath at the stunning sight before me. His head is turned back in front of him now, but the image of Snake in the sunlight is still fresh in my mind. Suddenly, he comes to a halt, and I realize he’s taken me to—a pond?    “I didn’t know there was a pond in this park,” I say breathlessly.    “You obviousssly haven’t been in Townsssville long enough.” Snake gives me a playful nudge with his elbow and crouches at the shore of the pond. I stand next to him, leaning forward a bit. He swirls his finger around in the water, a wide smile plastered across his face. I’m surprised at how much he seems to be enjoying this date. No one is ever this giddy around me. The idea of Snake actually being happy in my company makes me think that maybe I do have a chance with him after all.    But what if he’s just faking it? What if he only agreed to the date out of sympathy? And that he’s only pretending to have fun so that I don’t feel bad? My heart immediately freefalls into my stomach. How do I know I’m not annoying the crap out of him? Everyone else always ran away from me because I was too much. Why would Snake be any different?    “What’sss wrong?”    “You seem to be having fun for someone who was forced into a date,” I blurt. Snake’s brows furrow.    “Forccced?”    “…Well yeah, I mean, Ace did set us up.” I stuff my hands in my pockets. Since I already dug myself into this hole, I may as well find out the truth.    “I wasssn’t forced,” Snake says rather defensively.    “But I thought you said it was last-minute—”    “I had to get ready at the lassst minute. Accce wasn’t forcccing me into thisss date. I didn’t have to go if I didn’t wantss to. If anything, I thought you were the forccced one.” What?!    “No no, absolutely not!” My hands fly out of my pockets and up in front of me as if I were telling him to stop. “I wanted to go on a date with you, I’ve been wanting to, I mean—” crap. He wasn’t supposed to know that much. His eyes are wide with surprise, a red blush staining his face and his fingers hovering over his parted lips.    “Ssso… you’re not jussst… doing thisss to be niccce?”    “Hell no! I thought that’s what you were doing!”    “That’sss not true…” Snake’s expression slowly morphs from shock into sheer glee. And then, suddenly, he lunges into a hug. Holy shit. He’s hugging me. The love of my life is hugging me. For a moment, all I can do is stand there stupefied at the feeling of his arms around my midsection. My face heats up as he nuzzles my neck. Cautiously, I wrap my arms around his tiny waist, keeping him close. He fits so perfectly. I think I’m gonna cry. I love him so much. I wanna kiss him so badly, but that would be creepy. I feel him tighten his embrace a bit. I had no idea he was so affectionate. I rub his back a bit, to which he responds with a soft humming noise. I gotta tell him how I feel.    “Snake?” I begin.    “Hmmm?” He turns his head and looks up at me with those eyes. Shit, I’ll be lucky if I can even do this.    “…There’s something I gotta tell you…”    “Oh?” He pulls away from our hug, but I keep my arms around him. “Pleassse tell.” He moves his hands to my shoulders. I swallow a lump in my throat for at least the third time today.    “Well… urgh, how do I even say this… err, Ace didn’t say anything about why he pulled me out of the shack last night, did he?    “Not asss far asss I know.”    “Oh, oh well that talk we had might explain some of this. B-basically, Ace was pushing me to… to… well, make a move. Y-you know, do this whole da-date thing on my own. But, I-I-I got scared. I mean, it’s not easy to just waltz up to your crush like ‘hey I like you, wanna go out with me?’ haha…” I raise one hand to prod at the back of my neck. Shit, there goes my diarrhea of the mouth again. Snake gasps softly.    “Youss… I’m your crush?” He sounds dumbfounded. I lower my head a little.    “…Yeah. It’s been that way since… since I started hanging out with you guys regularly. I just… you’re so amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you. Well, I’ve never met anyone like any of you guys, but you… you’re special. Like… you’re so… you’re so slick, and sassy, and adorable, and beautiful and—you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” I shoot him an awkward smile. Now he really looks stunned. His eyes have completely rounded out, and his jaw looks like it’s going to fall off his face any second now. He shakes his head a bit, his hair gently fluttering from the movement.    “I-I don’t know what to sssay, I…” He struggles to catch his breath. “…That’sss the sssweetessst thing anyone’sss ever sssaid to me…” His brows curve upward as a sort of sad smile stretches across his face. “After all thessse yearsss of being outcasssted, shunned, and being called thingsss like ugly, freak, undesssirable…” His voice cracks at that last bit. He looks up at me, his eyes filled with water and something I’ve never seen before. His bottom lip quivers as he speaks up again.    “It feelsss amazing to finally be loved.”    With that, he buries his face in my shoulder and sobs. Oh shit, I didn’t mean to make him cry! I hold him in a tight embrace, gently stroking his hair.    “Hey, don’t cry,” I breathe, “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you. Shhhh.” I rock him back and forth a bit to soothe him. His shoulders shake, and his fingers dig into my jacket. I can already feel my shoulder getting wet. It seems like his tears are of happiness, so I guess I should be flattered? But I don’t want him to cry anymore. I rub his back again; that seems to help, as his sobbing subsides. After a moment or two, he raises his head from my shoulder, wiping some of the tears from his reddened cheeks.    “I’m ssso sssorry, I’m sssuch a messss right now…”    “It’s alright, I’m sorry for making you such a mess.” I chuckle, hoping some humor will ease him a bit. My breath hitches as his fingers creep up my face. He glances at me with a soft expression, and I’m pretty sure the entire city can hear my heartbeat right now.    “And for what it’sss worth,” his breath is still shaky, “I feel the sssame.”    Wait what?    “I—wha—haha, that’s funny. You’re funny.” Now it’s my turn to lose my breath. Snake pouts.    “I literally jussst cried on your shoulder, and you’re ssstill sssurprisssed?” I open my mouth to say yeah, I honestly am, but he presses a finger to my lips. “Shhhh. I don’t want any ssself-depreciative commentsss out of you. You’re ssso fun to be around. You makess me laugh, and feel sssafe. And I… I like your loud voiccce and your posssitive attitude. And how you’re ssso unique. And with how youss’ve been treating me today, I’m convinccced that we’re jussst… meant to be.” Holy shit, did I just hear all that right? I resist the urge to make sure there’s no gunk in my ears.    “…Now I think I’m gonna cry.”    “That’sss okay, my shoulder’sss open.” He smiles and pats his shoulder. I sniffle. Shit, I might actually cry. I brush some of his hair out of his face and tuck it behind his ear. He closes his eyes, leaning into my touch. When he opens them again, I can now recognize that new thing in his eyes—love. Can this be true? I sniffle again. Whatever did I do to deserve—    Rustle!    I turn my head around to inspect the bushes behind me. “What the hell?”    “That wasss probably jussst an animal or sssomething.”    “Well, whatever it is better leave us alone! We’re trying to have a moment here!” Snake giggles at my outburst. I turn back to him, playing with a lock of his hair. “Now where were we, hmmm?”    “Youss may or may not have been about to cry.”    “Ah, yeah, eh, I don’t think I wanna do that.” I chuckle. Snake smiles, but then it fades as he appears unsure.    “When you were sssaying all thossse niccce thingsss… you sssaid… youss called me beautiful…”    “Yep,” I say matter-of-factly. He smiles shyly.    “No one’sss ever called me that before.”    “Guess I’m the only one with taste around here.” His soft, hissy laughter fills my ears once more.    “You’re too sssweet.” He leans his head on my shoulder. God, he’s so precious. It occurs to me that my arms are still loosely around him, so I tighten my embrace.    Rustle rustle!    “Damn critters,” I mumble.    “That’sss an uncharacterissstic thing for animal-loving Light to sssay,” Snake teases.    “Hey, I’m trying to have a moment with my boyfriend, I don’t want anything ruining it.”    “Oh ssso I’m your boyfriend now?” he asks with that same teasing tone.    “Well I—” my arms instinctively retract to my sides. “I assumed that, after all this, it meant we were… you know…”    “I’m jussst messssing with youss.” He grabs my arms and pulls them back around him. “Now get theessse back here. Your boyfriend never sssaid you could ssstop hugging him.” He gives me a wink that makes me wanna melt into a puddle.    “Ahahahaha….”    CRACK!    SNAP!    THUNK!    “Okay, what the fuck?!” I yell. Snake and I both turn around to look behind us and see what all that commotion was. There’s a strange figure flopped on the ground in front of the bushes. The person lifts their head, and we see it’s—    “Grubber?!”    “Oh hi.” Grubber’s usual raspberry noise takes on an embarrassed tone. He waves sheepishly.    “Dahhh, you okay Grubber?” Billy suddenly pops up from overtop the bushes.    “Way ta go guys,” Ace scolds, climbing out of the shrubbery. “Now yous given us away!”    “Boss!” Arturo harshly whispers through clenched teeth, sliding out from under the bushes. He makes a “cut” gesture with his hand. How long have they all been there?!    “What are you guysss…” Snake trails off as it clicks in his brain. “Were you ssspying on usss?!”    “Whaaaat?!” Ace laughs nervously. “Spyin’?! Wha— what’a yous talkin’ about?? We wasn’t spyin’ on yous! Hehe, we’s ain’t spies, right guys?” The other three hurriedly agree. Snake glares at them, clearly not amused.    “Oh yeah sure, what else could you guys have been doing?” I huff.    “Birdwatchin’!” Ace quips. I raise one eyebrow at him.    “You? Birdwatching? Really?”    “Y-yeah, sure! Right guys?”    “Billy like pretty birds~,” Billy says in a sing-song voice.    “I don’t believe it for a sssecond,” Snake says, his hands returning to my shoulders.    “Me neither,” I agree. We both laugh for a moment.    “Ey boss,” Arturo starts, “it’s getting a little late. Should we go home?”    “Oh…” Snake fretfully looks up and notices the sun beginning to set, his thick brows curving upward. “How isss it thisss late already?”    “Ey ya know what they say, time flies when ya havin’ fun.” Ace winks at us. Snake’s fingers curl into the fabric of my shirt.    “I don’t want thisss to end,” he says. It’s so soft, almost a whisper, and it’s more to me than the rest of the gang.    “Neither do I,” I mumble, hugging him. “But hey, there’s always tomorrow.” I smile at him, and he returns it.    “I guesss you’re right.”    “Alright guys, let’s amscray before da Powa’puffs get on our case for somethin’.” Ace starts to make his way back to the shack, and the rest of us follow suit.    “It already happened to usss onccce, I really don’t needss that again,” Snake says.    “Wait, really?” Ace looks over his shoulder at Snake in disbelief.    “Yeah, they thought we stole the restaurant food and didn’t realize we were on a date,” I explain.    “Well those little Powa-pukes.”    “Dude, Be quiet! They might hear us!”    “Yeah boss, you need to control that loud obnoxious voice,” Arturo states bluntly.    “Ey, her voice is just as loud an’ obnoxious as mine!” Ace argues.    “Yeah but I don’t talk smack about the Powerpuff Girls!”    “My god, Light, you’s such a goody-two-shoes, why do we’s even let yous hang out with us?”    “Becaussse she’sss sssweet, that’sss why,” Snake says, hugging my arm. Suddenly I’m a stuttering, flustered mess again.    “Ah-well I uh, I mean uhhh, I-I-I just—”    “Shoulda neva’ asked.” Ace turns his head away from us and stuffs his hands in his pockets in annoyance. We all laugh at him a bit. Suddenly, Snake shivers beside me.    “You getting’ cold?”    “Jussst a little.”    I immediately take off my jacket and drape it over his narrow shoulders. He perks up, surprised by the gesture. “Oh, won’t youss get cold now?”    “Nah, I’ll be fine,” I insist. “And even if I was, you’re even worse than me when it comes to getting cold, so it’s better if you have it.”    “Thanksss.” He leans his head on my should as I slip my arm around his waist.    We stay like that the rest of the way to the shack, silently enjoying each other’s company as we listen to the rest of the gang blabber on about whatever. A few occasional laughs escape our chests, as is inevitable when you’re friends with these doofuses. But mostly my mind is in a whirlwind of disbelief as I process everything that happened today. I actually went on a date with Snake. And he actually enjoyed it. Fuck, we confessed our feelings to each other! And he even said he was my boyfriend! Wait, holy shit, I have a boyfriend now? Does this mean I’m his girlfriend? Holy shit, I’m Snake’s girlfriend. This can’t be true. This is too good to be true. This must be some kind of crazy dream. And now he’s actually cuddling up to me like this?? Damn, if this really is a dream, then dream me is one lucky bastard.    “What’sss with that dopey sssmile on your faccce?” Snake teases, snapping me out of my daze.    “I’m just wondering how I managed to land the most beautiful boy in Townsville,” I blurt. Snake’s face turns beet red.    “Okay now you’re jussst sssaying that.”    Ace makes a vomiting noise. “Why did I think settin’ yous two up was a good idea?”    “It’s called consequences, Boss,” Arturo says.    “No, I really meant that,” I say to Snake, ignoring Ace and Arturo. “I didn’t mean to say it so quickly but I meant every word!”    Snake smiles as he struggles to make eye contact. “Thanksss, but… I don’t thinkss I’m very attractive.”    “Well you know what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I cup his face with one hand, and he leans into the touch.    “Okay DIS is ridiculous!” Ace blurts.    “Quit ruining the moment, Ace!”    “Yous really think he’s prettier than me?!”    I shrug. “Sorry, dude.”    “Dis is bullshit!” Ace storms into the shack and slams the door. The rest of us laugh.    “What an asssshole,” Snake says.    “I know, right?" We laugh again as Snake takes my hand off his face and holds it in his own.    “Thanksss for everything today. I had an amazing time.”    I chuckle a bit. “Hey, not a problem. As much of an asshole Ace is being right now, he’s the one we gotta thank for this.”    “I don’t think he’ll accept our thanksss for sssomething he regretsss doing now.”    We laugh once more. Then, suddenly, I feel something warm, soft, and slightly wet on my cheek. My face immediately feels like its been set on fire. Did… did he just… ?!    “D’aawwwww,” Billy coos. Snake starts to head towards the door.    “Ssseeya tomorrow, Light,” Snake says, raspy voice dripping with honey.    “Y-y-yeah, seeya Snake.” I can feel that dopey grin plastered on my face once more. Snake opens the door to the shack, but before he goes in, he looks over his shoulder at me one last time. I don’t think he realizes he still has my jacket on, but at this point I don’t care if he keeps the damn thing. He smiles that beautiful, charming smile, and for a moment time stands still. I awkwardly wave at him, too stupefied by the overwhelming happiness to say anything. Snake gives a little wave back, and then he goes inside, that hair swooshing behind him as the door closes. I stand there in shock, until Arturo’s slow clapping snaps me out of it.    “You sly dog,” he says.    “Dahh congrats!” Billy cheers.    “Haha, thanks guys!” I high-five Grubber as I make my way home. My heart does a victory dance the entire way, happy that I finally got the green boy who ssstole my heart.

[ignitingwriting]

Igniting Writing Bingo Challenge 2020, Submission by Lucy Wright

Overreaction

 Melanie Hampshire tossed her long curly blonde hair over her shoulder, welcoming her best friend’s dog, Coco, onto her lap. Coco jumped up willingly and snuggled on her lap. As Jane continued talking about her daughter’s education Melanie nodded along, not really paying any attention. Melanie reached her hand down to pat Coco’s head, taking the dog by surprise, who gave her hand a quick nip. Melanie screamed so loudly that Jane was surprised her glass didn’t crack. Coco jumped off Melanie’s lap in surprise and ran into the other room.

“Are you ok?” Jane asked.

“NO!” cried Melanie dramatically. “Your mutt just took a big chunk out of my hand!”

“It was only a little nip; it didn’t even really hurt you,” Jane smiled.

“It did! They might have to amputate my hand. I expect dog’s mouths are filthy places, I’m surprised my hand hasn’t gone numb. Or even fallen off!”

“Relax,” Jane said, slowly coming to the realisation her friend was serious. “Coco’s bitten me worse than that loads before and I’ve never had to go to hospital or call an ambulance.”

“Ahah!” Melanie exclaimed “You’re right! I need to have an ambulance!”

She got up and ran towards the landline.

“Oh no you don’t,” Jane cried, standing up and blocking Melanie’s route.

“Let me through! I am trying to call for an ambulance!” said Melanie trying to sidestep around Jane.

“Not on my landline you’re not; it’s my house and my landline. Knowing my luck, it will be me they charge for wasting their time. Use your mobile phone.”

“I left it at home.”

“Well then don’t call the ambulance, they’ll probably charge you for wasting time.”

Melanie pouted and turned back on Jane. “Then I’ll call them when I get home.”

“Do that,” Jane cried. “But you will only get charged. It’s better if you just leave it – besides, does it even hurt anymore?”

“No…”

“Exactly! It’s absolutely fine.”

“It’s only because my hand has gone completely numb thanks to the injury! I cannot feel anything in my hand anymore, nothing, it’s as dead as a dodo.”

Jane looked, raised her eyebrows and smacked Melanie gently on her hand.

“OW!” Melanie said, feeling her hand “That hurt!”

Jane shook her head in disbelief. “See, your hands fine.”

“It is not!” protested Melanie.

Jane glowered. “You know what Melanie?” she said, her hand clenched so tight her knuckles went a painful white. “Just leave.”

Melanie looked Jane straight in the eye before flouncing out the door, yelling behind her, “I hope that you train that dog of yours.”

Jane heard the front door slam behind Melanie and sighed. Coco re-entered, looking wary. “Don’t worry Coco,” Jane murmured. “She’ll cool off in a few days.”

Job-Hating-Sing-A-Long

 Another day, another flight

When I get up it is still night

Getting ready, putting the smile back

Tying the neckerchief

And having to pack

 Welcoming the passenger

You’re 2A, 2B and 2C

Time for too brief for safety

Lots of bored faces

Why bother, they know by now

Yet I point out the escape door’s places

 Midway through, we shake, rattle and roll

Through the turbulence supreme

Making everyone go green

Now time for tea, chicken curry today

For the passengers to eat out of a plastic tray

With a cheap glass of chardonnay

 Now you understand why my job is the worst

Out of my favourite jobs it is nowhere near first

Here we are, the tarmac’s in sight

Now I can get off this terrible flight

And be back on solid ground

 Now I’m in a different country

A tropical paradise

I cannot wait to look around

But I can’t.

What’s the point of going

When your immediately gone again?

Hoist the Sales

 This is a sales pitch for my amazing creation. The Dog Scuba-Diving Kit!

Do you have a pet dog?

Do you love scuba-diving?

Do you wish your dog could be with you?

If you said yes to all three, then this is for you!

Get your pooch and place the little suit around him and zip it up, it’s so tight it will never slip off! Get the fishbowl helmet and slip it on your adorable little dog’s head! Now the air tank! You can get it personalized and make it perfect for your little puppy. Do you want their name maybe shaped like a bone? Ok! We will do it for you! It will be perfect. Your dog will love you even more!

Now your dog is all kitted up you can have fun in the water! How about a game of underwater frisbee? How about you hide bones for your dog to find? The possibility for fun is endless!

Now, the amazing and spectacular fun this thing causes is all good, I expect you are wondering about how safe this is. Our kit has been tested for errors by the team from Safety-For-Pets.co.uk. They say it is highly unlikely your dog will have as much as a scratch. If you are still nervous then here are just some safety mechanisms.

A little turbo ejector so that if your dog is too deep or running out of air it will send him speeding to the top of the water! There is also a little hatch is your dog wants to go to the toilet the poo will be able to leave. If your dog gets trapped in or under something, don’t worry! There is an automatic mode so that they can get out fine!

Buy the Dog Scuba-Kit for £49.99 at most pet stores!

Recipe for Disaster 

 This is a recipe for the Italian dish Cacca Torta. Little used in Italy, it was created during the famous famine of 1926 in which the Italians were so desperate they ate this. Even then, only a fifth of population actually agreed; the others refused. Enjoy! 

Steps 

Make dough.

Take a tablespoon of bicarbonate of soda and a dash of vinegar and place them on top of your rolled-out dough.

Take a slimy piece of chili and squeeze out all of the juices so the dough is a slimy gloop.

Take a jug and fill it with milk that is 14 and a half days overdue and add the leftover chili.

Mix them together until it turns a slimy, sick-coloured mixture, then add the contents of a whole pepper shaker and place in oven for 10 minutes at 200 degrees.

Go back to your dough, which should be turning mould green at the edges. Take a pencil and draw a pattern on it so the dough is now the colour of a worn stone turning mouldy.

Now add the main ingredient, the Cacca (poo); make sure the Cacca is fresh. It has to be long, slimy and have no bits in it so make sure to pick out. Place them on the dough and sprinkle some paprika onto the long pieces to give it a kick.

Now place it in a tin and press down the edges, then drench the insides in olive oil in order to make it slimier, gooey and unusual to taste.

Place the leftover dough on top to cover the inside and take the now solid mixture from the jug. Crack it open and make flakes of the mixture and place on top.

Bake in an oven at 180 degrees for five hours!

Now eat this dish! 

(Eat fresh otherwise the poo goes off.) 

1 out of 5 stars

Bequeathed by the Gods

 “Now,” said Zeus, king of gods, whose voice was so commanding and loud, it was impossible for him to speak not in bold, “This lady, this warrior of the gods, has gone and defeated those people down on Earth. Those titans can possess people no more! They will not cause terror and disruption to our lands. Thanks to this lady, this hero, Belinda Harp!”

Belinda smiled and graciously rose from her chair. All of the gods and goddesses patiently clapped her as she walked towards Zeus. Zeus had told her of the riches that she would get if she defeated the titans. Lots of salary he’d said, it would rich. Belinda loved the idea of finally being rich and the pleasure of being able to buy stuff without stop signs.

She finally reached the front and knelt down on the clouds. She could see through them, to the mortal world below, the human beings all scuttling around and the houses, like little brown squares. She waited to be granted with all of this cash.

“I grant you, the celery!”

Belinda looked up in confusion – did he seriously just say celery? Unfortunately, her ears hadn’t deceived her. In front of her was a pile of celery and a dip. She looked behind her; none of the gods looked surprised, so all of this must be normal.

Athena nodded at her expectantly and Belinda knew immediately what she meant. It was a tradition up in Mount Olympus to kiss Zeus’ feet as a thank you for his gift. Only, there was no way Belinda was going to thank him for this present!

“Celery?” she asked. “You have to be joking. I thought you said salary, and I’d be rich!”

“Um… no,” Zeus boomed awkwardly. “You get celery and when you have it with the dip it tastes rich.”

There was a short pause and then, “YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!” Belinda screamed, “I GOT RID OF THE FREAKING TITANS FOR YOU AND IN RETURN I GET CELERY AND A DIP. NO. NO. NO. NO.”

“Well technically it is celery gifted by the gods…” came a voice from the audience of gods.

“SHUT UP APHRODITE!” Belinda screeched. “NOBODY FROM EARTH IS GOING TO BELIEVE THAT I GOT GIVEN THIS CELERY FROM THE GREEK GODS BY BANISHING TITANS, ARE THEY?

“You never know what mortals believe nowadays – all kinds of crazy stuff going round the internet, they lap it all up.” Athena commented.

“But not about a girl who got gifted celery from the gods!” Belinda cried.

“Well if you don’t want the prize, then feel free to just go back to Earth with nothing…”

“No way,” Belinda replied. “I actually quite like celery.”

Then, sweeping up the celery and dip in her arms, Belinda left Mount Olympus, armed with the prize of defeating the most ruthless beings ever; a pile of celery.

[cutiecrates]

Cutie Reviews: Tokyo Treat November 17

Hello! Welcome to another review :3 This one was kind of put off for a few days unintentionally as usual. I have not been having a good weekend. I spent the first half of it in the emergency room and being bed ridden, My broken T-key was giving me grief and being a pain until I managed to fix it, and I cut my finger on the grater and it took off a good layer of skin and hurts like crazy... 

This months theme is... Flavorful Thanksgiving Feast!

Okay so like usual I forgot to take pics of the items obtained in the Lucky Treat box for the month. I don’t know why that keeps happening lately but here’s a list instead:

Boruto Naruto and Sasuke figures with poster

Chikinramen Wallet

Howl’s Moving Castle sticky notes and tin

Boruto Towel

Naruto Kurama plush charm

Splatoon Lil Judd cushion

Spirited Away balancing figures

Detective Konan Towel

Pokemon the movie 20th anniversary bag

Godzilla print clear folders

Mt. Fuji Soda gummies

Spirited Away No Face Figural Calendar

Pikachu Stainless Bottle

Splatoon KSA4 Acrylic cup

Yokai Watch Jibanyan Nyao Nyao Party Game

and Country Ma’am Gyokuro matcha green tea cookies

The special featured of the booklet details the special event known as Shichi-Go-San, celebrating Children the ages of 3, 5, and 7. As well as the best locations to admire Autumn foliage in Japan. The prize items for the month were Dr. Slump and Dragonball themed.

Before I get to the contents I wanted to mention that I noticed something in the booklet changed. The once “mysterious“ Dagashi Mix section now reveals what you get! This would have normally bugged me, but I never look in the book until after I see what I got, so I can still avoid spoilers~

Alrighty, so these are our misc items of the crate: The drink, the DIY candy, the mystery toy or charm or accessory. I plan on covering the DIY candy next, but for now let’s focus on our cute drink and accessory item~

Our Drink is the delicious looking Kirin Chocolate Mint Milk Tea. I believe we had milk tea by this brand before, and it was pretty good last time so I had high hopes; especially since I ♥ anything mint-chocolate!

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Ironically, while I don’t like milk or tea, I’ve been enjoying milk tea as of late. I especially love this Kirin brand, with their eye-catching and fun designs. The flavor was light, and it made me think of a sugar-free melted chocolate ice cream with mint flavoring. I really liked it- but I do wish it was stronger in taste.

Besides, the drink we also got this cute Gudetama Magnet, based on various egg dishes. I got this before in a prior box, but that one was animal themed :3 I really like sushi, so the one I got was perfect!

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

It’s not a food, but is is Gudetama. I love mystery/blind bag items like this too and I love finding them in the Tokyo Treat box. It’s fairly common and I appreciate it since it’s a lot more rare in the other ones.

These are two of the Regular items in the booklet, including some Super Light Rice Crackers, the Wagashi item for the month made from White Rice found in Niigata. They are light and airy with a melting texture, and are flavored with a mixture of soy sauce and ginger.

They’re also gluten free, but 240 calories as a whole. I’m not really complaining though ;3 sometimes we need to indulge.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

These are very yummy, and while I could taste a little bit of the ginger and soy sauce, the flavor combination also reminded of chili oil, minus the spice. The rice didn’t really have an identifiable taste, but that is a bit common with rice-based snacks. With these, we have the Sapporo Multi-veggie Sticks by Calbee. These fun little sticks boasts usage of SEVEN vegetables Σ(･口･) Including red pepper, pumpkin, spinach, carrot, red beet... and I’m guessing potato, tomato, and/or onion. Neither lists really go into detail about all seven. They’re a total of 116 calories. Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ Usually I like vegetable-themed chips or snacks. As much as I’m not a huge fan of vegetables themselves. I also generally like this brand; but I’m not a big fan of this particular blend. At first they weren’t so bad, they tasted like a plain potato. But now they kind of taste yucky O x < ‘ The plus side is, I do know that you can actually make a potato dish using stuff like this and a few other ingredients. A youtuber I like tried it out once so I might see if there’s something I can do with these.

Well you know what they say, Chocolate makes everything better! And here we got some fun looking chocolate~♥

In order we have Choco Flakes Crisp Balls - Kinako, Kinako is a roasted soy flour that can be found on various sweets, mainly during Autumn/Fall to add a bit of a sweet and nutty flavor. Choco Flakes is a crisped cereal coated in flavored chocolate, and 267 calories!

Kinako is also what I keep claiming my Squishies smell like. If they don’t smell like rubber, this is that exact scent. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why- but it is.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

These are very tasty x3 That’s really all I have to say about them though. I really enjoyed them, although I was perturbed by the large Calorie amount...

Speaking of high calories, we also get some Double Fromage Pocky! Premium or “special pocky“, which is pretty much just a smaller pocky with 3.2x more chocolate, both whipped and milk. Fromage meanwhile, is basically a fancy word for cheese, and the stick itself is chocolate, giving it a delicious and elegant twist.

Each stick is 120 cal. Something else I like is that you get three, individually wrapped packs in this box. Perfect for keeping them fresh, or gifting to someone special~

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

The stick itself is pretty plain (but that is common with pocky), but the thick layer of coating blends in with it wonderfully and totally redeems it. It kind of reminded me of cookies and cream, with a hint of sweet cheese-flavor.

Lastly is this big, eye-catching Giant Chocolate Snack! This crazy looking stick is bigger then a drink bottle- and it comes in a colorful, cool looking wrapper!

Despite it’s size it is very light and airy feeling, and apparently made from peanut and corn puffs and is very light in texture. Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥

It didn’t taste bad at all, but it’s not really my sort of thing. Like texture wise it was really nice, but when I ate it I noticed it was really bitter tasting, and not in a good way like dark chocolate.

Keeping with the sweets theme, we have two pink candies, including a twisty Twisted Marshmallow that was available in a variety of colors- but tasted like plain marshmallow no matter which type you got.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I’m obsessed with marshmallows! This was ultra-soft and stretchy and squishy, I couldn’t help but play with it before eating it~

The other item is something I’ve had before in two other flavors (Soda and Fruit blend), but seeing this vibrant pink tube got me veeeeeeery excited! This is the brand new Strawberry Ramune by Morinaga.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I’ve been a big fan of these cute bottle candies since I tried my first one, and this flavor didn’t disappoint. It tastes like any other Japanese strawberry candy, and the container is a great way to keep them protected- and it looks adorable~

You know, I almost feel like this crate was catered for me this month- Strawberry candies, mint-chocolate milk tea, a yummy rice snack, and now TWO cola candies?!

We have a Cola Gummy, as well as these Vending Machine Cola Gummies ♥ Two similar, but very different gummy candies.

The Cola Gummy is a decently sized gummy covered in sugar for a total of only 39 calories. As you can see in the picture, it’s wider and bigger then the biggest gummy in the vending machine pack!

Ratings: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

The cola gummy is pretty tasty at first, it reminded me of my favorite cola gummies, or the chupa chups cola lollipops. But days later when I finished it, I noticed the flavor remained for about five seconds- then started to taste a little gross. So it’s perfectly fine if you eat it within the time span of opening it!

I also don’t like that was it really hard DX it reminded me of those soft jelly gummies, but it did not match in texture.

Meanwhile, the vending machine set says it is 73 calories PER gummy, or pack. I can’t really tell. It’s by a brand I’ve seen before who made some other cola candies I haven’t been able to find myself. 

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I really like the fun design inspiration for this pack ♥ You have cans, drinking bottles, large cans, and larger drink bottles. The flavors also vary like most cola candies, in that the yellow/clear part is usually pineapple or lemon flavored, while the brown is cola. and I noticed they are still really soft and taste good a week or two after opening them.

Ironically, while this set is more fun and held up a lot better then the other one, I think the flavor for the other gummy (before it went south) was better.

Of course you can’t celebrate the last bit of Fall/Autumn without including some fun sweet potato snacks. Calbee returns with these Osatsu Snacks, made from steamed and baked Anno sweet potato. This is a special flavor, in that you can only get it during the cold seasons.

(Fun bit of Trivia, Osatsu celebrated their 35th anniversary last year!)

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

These fun, scallop-looking chips are light and crispy, and they essentially just tasted like regular potato chips with a touch of sweetness. They were pretty nice.

I know, you’re all probably observing that strange jelly looking stuff right? You’re not the only ones, I was perplexed by the Baked Sweet Potato Yokan too.

A Yokan is a jelly-like snack usually made from red beans and often included chestnuts. I noticed it seems to be a lot more “common“ during cooler seasons, and I’ve also seen potato variations such as this, and purple. The snack has a jelly texture, but consistency of beans.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥

It’s... unique. I’ll put it like that. It’s not bad though, it tastes like a buttery potato and is really, really sweet. In terms of personal opinion I’m sort of in the middle with it, I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. It’s unusual, but it was fun to try!

(I was actually tempted to see if I could melt this down and put it on bread, just to see what it was like. . . . but I decided against it when I thought it would have disgraced the efforts someone put into making it. I know I’m weird.)

Of course, despite how good a box is, there’s always one or two snacks that leave you feeling like “they’re okay...“ or “ew!“. That’s part of the experience though :3

The first one is a Yakisoba Sauce Snack composed of small puffs (rice or barley I assume), and snacking noodle pieces.

Rating: ♥ ♥

I’m not a bit Yakisoba fan, I’ll admit that now. The packaging is adorable, and if you like stuff like this you get a big amount of it in the little bag (it’s like the smaller the bag, the fuller it is, am I right?). I liked the little puffs, but in general the flavor was too strong for me and I didn’t really like it.

I did have someone who did though, so it made a nice surprise snack for them later.

This other snack fared a little better, not because I like squid- but some squid things aren’t terrible and I try to give them a chance. This is a bag of SQUID CRACKERS!

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥

This is a savory, fried snack- and I know that probably sounds like heaven right now. Well in comparison to other squid snacks I tried and disliked, it kind of was. The texture was sort of a mix between crispy and crunchy, and while I ate it with no problem, I wasn’t too crazy about the underlying squidiness/sea food flavor I was picking up.

I will say that it’s on the lighter side though, so if you’re a fan of those flavors it might be too light. For me personally it was just enough.

We’re down to our final two items of the November crate :D We have Mild Roast flavor Pretz featuring a character I’ve seen before but I’m not familiar really with. I see him and his friends on a lot of stuff, but it’s not a series I‘m familiar with.

Each stick or pack in total is 114 calories.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

These are really good. What I enjoy about Pretz is that they are essentially a savory/alternate pocky. They’re crispy but a light snack, and there’s tons of flavor varieties.

These taste like a plain pretz stick (which is already hard for me to describe) with a light buttered taste, like snacking crackers. After everything else in the crate I tried though, it was a welcoming addition.

As usual we also get a monthly Umaibo, this time the flavor was Cheese! Rarely do I ever find an Umaibo I dislike, and of course this was no exception. I mean come on, it’s CHEESE flavored ;3

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Now I can’t say I loved it more then the corn potage flavor, because that one is the ultimate champion of Umaibo. But it was definitely in the top 10! It tasted like most other crispy, airy cheese puffed snack I’ve eaten.

♥ Cutie Ranking ♥

Quality - 4 out of 5. I don’t think I had anything bad to remark upon this time, and for the price paid I believe it was fair. The box was fine, and I loved the adorable bonus item.

Content - 4 out of 5. It wasn’t perfect, but I really enjoyed it. We got a nice blend of sweet and savory, which I prefer and find more enjoyable then just one type of thing.

Theme - 4 out of 5. Most of the stuff definitely made me think of Fall/Autumn. I can’t say I thought of Thanksgiving, although the potato stuff did kind of remind me of the Holiday. I know they could have done even more to make the theme better.

Total Rank: 12 out of 15 Cuties. I’m not sure if I preferred this box to any in particular. It was definitely good, maybe even great- but I know they could have also made it a little bit better in terms of theme- although I don’t think it was necessary. I fairly enjoyed everything the two things I wasn’t in love with still scored decently.

♥ Cutie’s Scale of Yummy ♥

1. Rice Crackers - The best snack in the entire box x3 I LOVED these!

2. Chocolate Mint Milk Tea -  I wish the flavor was stronger, but it was still really tasty. I love the cool f

3. Choco Flakes - Yummy :P

4. Fromage Pocky - Fancy and tasty!

5. Cola Gummy - I hated the rough texture >x< but the flavor was better then the other one when I first opened it.

6. Vending Machine Cola Gummies - These were good, I loved the design/motif and details. But in terms of flavoring, the other candy was just a little better... 

7. Strawberry Ramune Candy - I love strawberry-anything!

8. Osatsu Snack - These were tasty, but the flavoring was a little light in them. I didn’t hate them at all though, sometimes you need the light sweetness to balance out all the stronger flavors.

9. Twisted Marshmallow - Same as below, again. Delicious and kawaii, but nothing different. I adore marshmallows though so I’m not really complaining.

10. Cheese Umaibo - Same as below, it was delicious but nothing new or exciting. 

11. Mild Roast Pretz - I actually really liked these :3 but they were fairly plain in comparison to the rest of the items. 

12. Giant Chocolate Snack -  It wasn’t bad either, It just wasn’t my thing you know? I don’t like peanuts much and it wasn’t the type of bitter I enjoy. 

13. Sweet Potato Yokan - I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it. It was sweet and buttery.  

14. Squid Crackers - Meh. They weren’t bad honestly.

15. Veggie Sticks - They weren’t bad, but they were kind of bland in my opinion...

16. Yakisoba Sauce Snack - I’m sorry, I just don’t like it!

Alrighty, we’ve come to the end of another Cutie Review. I hope it was okay, and I apologize to anyone who might have actually been waiting for this. I still have 2 November boxes I need to cover before I can move on to December- but I plan to hurry up and do the DIY candy review first since it won’t take nearly as long to do.

Here’s a fun question in the mean time; Do you guys like potatoes? Sweet, Purple, Regular? Do you have a specific dish you like? Be sure to tell me :3

Until next time, stay Sweet Potato Cute!

[blackbrian6-blog]

Super Soy Me - North Bay Bohemian

Like any typical chump, I planned to start an ambitious new diet on New Year's Day. Fine, the day after New Year's Day.

The diet was strict, but had just one simple rule: Eat food, mostly frozen, as much as I want, on a $100 per week budget. And here's the kicker: Eat only food that's made by Amy's Kitchen, the privately held natural foods manufacturer based in Petaluma. Yes, it was a bold plan.

Day 1: I load a frozen, gluten-free tofu scramble breakfast wrap in the microwave oven, starting the day's calorie count at 300. At lunch it's a chili mac bowl, 420 calories, and later a spinach pizza pocket sandwich, 280 calories. Dinner brings a longtime favorite to the table; veggie loaf with mashed potatoes, peas and carrots. But those 340 calories don't feel like enough, so I round out the evening with a spinach pizza snack, and 380 additional calories.

Day 2: I'm a little hungover. Ugh, what happened?

The Perils of a Cruelty-Free Diet

I'm on this diet partly to see if man can live on Amy's alone. While it's a controlled experiment, it's not an inhumane experiment, so I did not forswear the enjoyment of a few glasses of wine with dinner, before dinner, or after dinner. Besides, eliminating the beverage variable might have skewed the results, right? Instead, I opt for certified organic wine, in the spirit of Amy's Kitchen, whose listed ingredients are nearly all prefaced with "organic," save the sea salt and black pepper.

The problem: after unpacking five frozen meals from five cardboard cartons, I'd only packed in 1,720 calories on that first day. No doubt the wine hit a little harder because that's well below the 2,000 daily calories that nutrition labels are based on, or the recommended 2,400 calorie diet of a moderately active male of my age, and weight.

Ah, that weight. The other reason for the diet was to lose a little of it. I demur from saying what that weight is, lest some readers then wish to knock me around a bit, but suffice it to say that I feel like the image of some kind of corpulent, late career Orson Welles. (More like Audrey Hepburn, remarked a more portly friend a few years back. That smarts a bit, but then again—such style!) What's that about body image self-acceptance? Stuff self-acceptance in a cheeseburger. I demand to get back that flat belly that I haven't seen since age 29, and I'll try any diet in that service. The allure of Amy's is the quick and easy calorie counting, printed right on the box, and de facto portion control. The convenience of simply reheating frozen food, too, leaves more time for that moderate activity.

Lesson learned, on to Day 2: Country bake breakfast, 420 calories; veggie sausage, 55 calories; brown rice and vegetables bowl, 260 calories; meatless Italian sausage, mushroom and olive pizza, 930 calories. Yes, I know the pizza is supposed to be three separate servings, but the day's total is only 1,665 calories. Yet I feel stuffed. Might be because I'm not used to consuming so many carbohydrates (see the surprise tally at the end of the article), and that's a criticism I've heard of products like Amy's: organic or not, isn't it too high in sodium, too stuffed with carbohydrates, like other processed snack foods? When I announced my dietary goal to someone at the company (who shan't be named), in fact, the response was: "But what about vegetables?"

In an era when consumers are being advised to eat whole foods, and lower on the food chain, Amy's occupies an interesting space in between the good reputation of organic foods and the bad rap on processed foods. Frozen foods have taken some heat since the "TV dinner" days of my childhood, when, notwithstanding mom's cooking being the best, it was a special treat to have those tin foil tray dinners once a week. Meanwhile, Amy's Kitchen, launched by Rachel and Andy Berliner in 1987 (the original conceit was that they couldn't find any time-saving convenience foods that were of homemade quality, after the birth of their daughter, Amy, who is now a co-owner in the company), has puffed up from one pot pie sold in what used to be called "health food" stores in Northern California and Oregon, to 260 products sold in megastores the likes of Target, in 29 countries. Revenue in 2017 totaled $500 million.

Can they stay true to home-cooked ideals at such a scale? I've got to get behind the kale curtain, and see how the organic tofu sausage is made.

Amy's, Can You Hear Me?

Day 3: I've had no luck trying to contact the public relations desk at Amy's, so, fueled only by their breakfast scramble, 360 calories, and veggie sausage, 55 calories, I set out by bicycle for the company headquarters in Petaluma. Am I helping to offset the carbon footprint of these packaged meals, or is their economy of scale inherently more efficient than my home stovetop? Will there someday be fewer veal crates, like the ones that I'm passing by on Stony Point Road, because of vegetarian options like Amy's provides? These are things I think of on my ride. Besides that biking in heavy traffic sucks veggie meatballs.

It wasn't enough. On Lakeville Highway, a few blocks short, and fatigued, I have to turn back or else miss the last SMART train back to Santa Rosa until late afternoon.

Breakthrough at the Drive-Thru

I get a new idea on the train, remembering the Amy's Drive-Thru restaurant in Rohnert Park. It's a long shot, but at the very least, after ordering a single veggie cheeseburger and fries (alas, I am not asked to "super-size" my order to the signature double patty "Amy" burger), I can ask for any kind of help at the register. I'm in luck—Dave Wolfgram, president of Amy's Drive-Thru Restaurants, is working on his laptop a few tables over. He seems genuinely concerned and promises to hook me up with HQ.

Although this joint is as bustling as it was on my first visit over three years ago ("Understanding Amy's," Sept. 9, 2015), Amy's has rolled out their takeover of the fast food nation at, well, an organic pace. An outpost in SFO (Amy's "fly-thru"?) is scheduled for July, with a Corte Madera drive-thru opening in 2020.

How the Organic Tofu Sausage is Made

I'm in! I meet Paul Schiefer for a tour of Amy's flagship production facility, which has been located on Santa Rosa's Northpoint Parkway since the early days. Schiefer, who is a nephew to the Berliners, grew up with the business, and is now senior director of sustainability.

On the way to the dressing room where I'll don a smock, hairnet and beard net, I'm already distracted by a novel sight: two vending machines in the break room are stocked with Amy's entrées. They're sold to employees for just $1 to $1.50. But the Blue Sky organic cola in the adjacent vending machine, Schiefer admits, isn't as popular with employees as Pepsi. No strict diets here: there's a Frito-Lay option, too.

Workers are everywhere on the plant floor, monitoring computer screens, carting multi-level tray carts here and there. Look, there goes my old friend, the lentil loaf! Over there, veggie sausage, destined for a country bake. In one room, which is as big as most winery cellars I see, pinto beans cascade in an industrial waterfall, while a worker tends to a steaming kettle perched high in the middle distance.

A smaller room houses one of the largest tofu-making facilities on the West Coast, according to Schiefer. Here are whole soybeans, soaked and removed of fiber, which goes to a dairy. Then, hot soy milk pours forth, and further down the line, blocks of fresh tofu, some 9,400 pounds per day, are cut and sent on to their rendezvous with organic oats, organic bulgar wheat and organic onions and more to, yes, make the tofu sausage.

On the kettle deck, an enchilada sauce has just been made—we see it later on down the line, where freshly frozen entreés clank off the conveyor belt. Tomato sauces are made from fresh tomatoes. Vegetables such as broccoli may be fresh, or flash frozen, since there are only two harvests a year from their supplier. "We'd rather get it all fresh, in season, than go to the ends of the earth to bring it in," says Schiefer.

In the burrito room, bean and cheese filling plops onto tortillas, made fresh in the room next door, in a way that my minder from the marketing department doesn't wish me to photograph. But it's all hand work after that. One employee tells me, still folding while turning away from the assembly line to explain, that she's been honing her technique for 21 years, shaping the filling, and folding six or more ways in a flash of hand movements I can hardly follow.

One thinks of frozen foods as the ultimate deracinated, non-local product. But here, I have the dissonant revelation that, at least for the North Bay, this is truly local. All this time, my frozen bean burrito (and another 160,000 of them per day) has been hand-rolled just across town. (Soups are made in Idaho, however; pizza in Medford, Ore.)

The Results

At the end of a week, I had to stop the experiment. Not necessarily because I felt "over stuffed" on just 1,940 calories, as I noted on Day 6, or "strangely tired" on Day 7. My weight jumped up at first, but I ended up a few pounds lighter. Still, I would have been willing to carry out a more rigorous one-month experiment. But if I didn't bust my waistline, I busted my budget: $140 for seven days.

I should note that the company does not endorse an all-Amy's diet. Instead, they offer meal plans on their website incorporating fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts and smoothies, most with just one Amy's product per day. That said, I felt that I might have had a real serving of veggies with their Asian-inspired entrées, like the dumplings in savory Hoisin sauce, and for a frozen food, they tasted fresh enough. And in the harvest casserole bowl, there's surely close to a half-cup of sweet potatoes, kale and Swiss chard—it'd be hard to excuse all that quinoa otherwise.

According to Schiefer, I'm correct in my assessment that while the frozen food business is stagnant in general, Amy's is bucking the trend, and has been growing faster than the category for years. Still, some of the traditional tray-style dinner styles have been pulled off the line: RIP, Southern meal, chili and corn bread, and good ol' veggie steak and gravy.

All told, I ate not more than 1,700 calories per day. The protein count averaged 67 grams daily — not bad — and carbohydrates actually averaged less than the Daily Value, at 200. But sodium indeed hit more than 3,200 milligrams per day, higher than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's recommendation of less than 2,400, but a little under the average American's intake. Amy's does offer low sodium versions with less than half that of the typical entrée.

The next week I flipped a 180 and launched an ultra-low-carb diet of meat, cheese and vegetables for the next month. I felt pretty good on it. And I gained back five pounds.

Source: https://www.bohemian.com/northbay/super-soy-me/Content?oid=8755813

[starstruckcloudgalaxy]

Another sunny Sunday in, and here are another seven pasta sauces for a whole week to keep you busy, dear friends, and fed! Ingredients are again for four people, but the sauces are all ideal for warming up the next day if you’ve got any leftovers.

By the way, there was a news item yesterday about a shortage of tinned tomatoes because everybody is starting to do pasta sauces at home now – well, actually it’s better to use FRESH tomatoes for tomato sauces, that’s how most housewives back in Italy do it, anyway!

  Asparagus and broccoli sauce

250g asparagus, 250g broccoli, 300ml milk, 20g flour, 30g butter, salt, pepper, nutmeg, parsley, olive oil; 250-300g pasta, parmesan

Extremely healthy and extremely tasty, this Italian veggie classic is so simple and yet so ingenious: first, prepare a bechamel sauce by heating up the butter in a pot, then adding the flour while whisking rigorously, then slowly and carefully adding the milk. Turn down the heat, add salt, pepper, nutmeg and parsley and keep whisking until the sauce is consistent, then let it simmer for 10-15 minutes. (A tip: you can also get a ready mixture powder for a bechamel sauce from the supermarket and follow the instructions on the packet…)

Cut the broccoli into bite-sized chunks and fry together with the asparagus (fresh or from a tin) in oil for about 5 minutes; meanwhile, start cooking the pasta. Add the broccoli and asparagus to the bechamel sauce and stir well; serve the pasta in bowls with the sauce and – as always – some parmesan on top.

  Carbonara sauce

300g bacon (or ham), 200g mushrooms, 300ml milk, 20g flour, 30g butter, salt, pepper, nutmeg, parsley; 250-300g pasta, 200g grated cheese

Popular with both kids and grown-ups, this all-time classic is both very tasty and very nutritious. Again, prepare a bechamel sauce just like in the previous recipe (butter, flour and milk, salt, pepper, nutmeg and parsley – or the ready mixture from the supermarket), but this time add sliced bacon (or ham, if you prefer it with less calories) and mushrooms (preferably from the tin). Simmer for 10-15 minutes while the pasta is cooking.

Top the pasta with the sauce and, while it’s still really hot, a generous amount of grated cheese of the sort that melts immediately (like cheddar, edam or gouda).

  Beef and tomato sauce

500g cubed beef (or 1 small cut chicken), 1 onion, 2 tomatoes, 250g passata, allspice, cloves, salt, pepper, olive oil; 250-300g pasta, 200g grated cheese

This is a Greek Sunday favourite called ‘kokkinisto’ in Greece because of the very red sauce (kokkino means red). It’s basically a meaty variation of the classic pomodoro sauce (which you can look up in my previous sauce post), seasoned with the typically Greek ingredients allspice and cloves. If you can get those two whole dried, your kokkinisto will look and taste REALLY Greek! Tip: instead of beef you can also use a cut chicken – cheaper and maybe even more delicious…

Chop the onions and fry them in oil, then add the cubed beef (or the chicken).  Chop the tomatoes and add them together with the passata and the spices. Now this one’s a slow cooking recipe, so you’ll have to calculate at least 2 hours of simmering (or 1 if you’re using chicken). You don’t really have to do anything during that time, though, except add some water and stir every 15-20 minutes! And yes, in case you’ve been following my previous recipes, it’s actually quite similar to a Hungarian goulash…

After about 1 ¾ hours (or 45 minutes if you’re doing chicken), start cooking the pasta. Keep stirring the sauce until the pasta is ready to serve, and top with a big handful of grated cheese!

  Bolognaise sauce

500g mincemeat, 1 onion, 1 tomato, 250ml passata, salt, pepper, paprika, parsley, mint, olive oil; 250-300g pasta, parmesan or other grated cheese

Probably the most famous of all spaghetti sauces, this mincemeat sauce originated around Bologna and made its way literally around the whole world. It’s very easy to do, quick and cheap and tasty, and simply everybody loves it! So, chop the onion and fry with the mincemeat in oil, then chop the tomato and add it together with the passata and 50-100ml water; season with salt, pepper, paprika, parsley and a tsp of sugar. My personal tip is to add a dash or two of dried mint to give the sauce a special… something!

  While the sauce is simmering, cook the pasta; both should be ready after about 10-15 minutes. The classic way of topping spaghetti Bolognaise is, of course, parmesan, but you can also use any other sort of grated cheese that melts easily!

    Courgette (or aubergine) sauce

4 courgettes (or aubergines), 1 tomato, 250ml passata, parsley, dill, salt, pepper, olive oil; 250-300g pasta, 200g grated cheese

This is a pasta sauce from Turkey for a change; the classic version is done with courgettes, but you can also use aubergines or a mix of both! Cube the vegetables and fry them in oil for 5 minutes, then chop and add the tomato, parsley and dill (both fresh if possible), salt and pepper and the passata and about 100ml water and simmer for 15 minutes; meanwhile, cook the pasta.

Serve with a big load of grated cheese on top – another great veggie favourite!

  Crabmeat and ham sauce

250g crabmeat, 150g ham, 150g spring onions, 2-3 cloves garlic, 300ml milk (or cream), 100ml white wine, 20g flour, 30g butter, salt, pepper; 250-300g pasta (fettucine), parmesan (optional)

Now let’s move on to another part of the world and something really exotic – this is an old Cajun recipe from Louisiana that gives an entirely new kick to the old pasta… Tip: the favourite pasta sort of Cajun cooks is fettucine!

If you’ve ever done any Cajun recipes, you’ll know that they almost all start with the instruction: ‘cook a roux’… A roux is basically nothing else but the basis for a bechamel sauce, so like in our first two recipes here we heat up the butter and add the flour while whisking; then, when the roux has turned a nice golden brown colour, we add the sliced spring onions and the chopped garlic, the ham and the wine and salt and pepper, and let it simmer for 10 minutes. Only after that we add the milk (if you don’t mind the calories, you can also use cream) and the crabmeat and let it simmer for another 10 minutes while our pasta is cooking.

Serve with or without parmesan – and since you’ve already opened that bottle of white wine, you might just as well have the rest of it with your dinner…

  Prawn and sausage sauce

250g prawns (cooked), 250g andouille (or other pork sausage), 1 tomato, 1 onion, 1 stem celery, 1 green bell pepper, 1 red chilli, 2 cloves of garlic, 250ml passata, ½ chicken stock cube, salt, pepper, Cayenne pepper, basil, olive oil; 250-300g pasta (fettucine), parmesan (optional)

Another exotic Cajun recipe with a most piquant taste of seafood and sausage, this sauce is much easier to do than it might seem at first considering the large number of ingredients. You start out by chopping/slicing the onion, the tomato, the celery, the chili, the bell pepper and the garlic; then you throw it all into a big pan with oil and fry it thoroughly. Slice the andouille and add it together with the passata, the stock cube, 200ml water, salt, pepper, Cayenne pepper and basil, and simmer for 15 minutes; meanwhile, cook the pasta.

Add the prawns, simmer on for another 2-3 minutes, and pour over the pasta. Now I confess that I’m of the Italian style conviction that parmesan goes with simply EVERYTHING from soup to meat and, of course, especially any sort of spaghetti sauce, but in this case it’s of course optional since the original Cajun recipe doesn’t mention any cheese. Still…

  In any case, enjoy your cooking, dear friends, and don’t be afraid to bring in your own ideas, too! And if you have one connected to pasta sauces, please tell me; I’m always eager to learn new tricks in the kitchen…

Roberta’s Recipes: Seven more delicious pasta sauces Another sunny Sunday in, and here are another seven pasta sauces for a whole week to keep you busy, dear friends, and fed!

[madeitloveitpaleo]

I have been following a Keto lifestyle since January 2018 and over that time I have lost a total of 88 pounds and learned a lot about what types of recipes and meals help me stick with this low carb life without sacrificing my grocery budget or a ton of extra time in the kitchen.

I consider this our family’s VIP list of keto meals.

Easy to prepare….check. Not too many ingredients….check. Tastes amazing….check.

There are a ton of low carb recipes out there, but I’ve narrowed down the list to the ones we make repeatedly and remain on a regular rotation.

When you find yourself making a recipe all the time, that’s a sure sign that it not only tastes really good, but is easy to make. 

Check out this post for more details about why I started a keto lifestyle and how we also save money doing it!

One of my biggest keys to maintaining a keto lifestyle is picking a handful of go-to meals that you love and are easy to make. There are so many great keto meals out there to choose from.

I recommend finding recipes that require very little shopping for additional ingredients and can be made fairly quickly.

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1. Taco Bowls

Taco Tuesday doesn’t have to end when you cut the carbs. One of my favorite things about tacos is everyone can make them exactly how they want them. It’s a perfect meal if not everyone in your family is eating keto.

I make the ground beef and season it the way we all like and then everyone makes their own tacos the way they prefer.

I love making taco bowls with seasoned ground beef, sour cream and scooping everything up with cheese chips.

Making crispy cheese chips could not be easier! Just microwave a slice of cheese for a minute and let cool. Once it’s cooled you can break it into crispy cheese chips. 

Taco tip: Skip that seasoning packet, it contains a ton of carbs! We season ours ourselves and eyeball the amounts. We typically use salt, pepper, oregano, chili powder, chipotle powder, garlic powder, onion powder and paprika.

2. Bunless Burgers

It would be pretty hard to find an easier meal than a bunless burger. In the summer, we love to grill them and in the cooler months, we use the air fryer.

You can be as simple or as creative as you want with your bunless burger.

Most of the time, I enjoy my burger with a slice of Muenster cheese, yellow mustard and a sprinkle of Everything but the Bagel seasoning.

The options are endless to get more creative. Use different cheeses, try it with pickles or top yours with avocado slices.

Don’t forget about bunless hot dogs!

3. Chicken Thighs

I have never been a fan of chicken breast. I can never seem to cook it well without drying it out. That is never the case with chicken thighs. They are basically foolproof and always juicy.

Did I mention that chicken thighs are way cheaper than breasts? We pick up a family pack of chicken thighs when we go shopping and when we get home we separate them into dinner size portions.

If you’re a Costco shopper, definitely check out the organic packs of chicken thighs that are a steal and you can easily make 3-4 family dinners out of them.

Here are our favorite chicken thigh recipes that we use again and again:

Cracklin Chicken from Nom Nom Paleo

Chicken Thighs with Creamy Basil Bacon Mushroom Thyme Sauce from Julia’s Album

No Mess Crispy Chicken Thighs from Jennifer Banz

Asian Chicken Thighs from Nom Nom Paleo

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I'll be posting a recipe roundup #ontheblog tomorrow of my favorite #paleo recipes with 5 ingredients or less. We had one of these quick, simple dinners tonight, Cracklin Chicken from @nomnompaleo. This recipe is crazy good and all you need is chicken thighs (skin on, bone out), ghee and some salt and pepper (or magic mushroom powder 😍) and you're good to go. Check out the full post tomorrow! #michelletamismymarthastewart #chicken #nomnompaleo #5ingredientsorless #organic #eatclean #foodstagram #recipe #paleorecipes #paleolifestyle #whole30 #whole30alumni #whole30recipes #whole30homies #protein #simple #love #magicmushroompowder

A post shared by Dawn @ MadeItLoveitPaleo (@madeitloveitpaleo) on Jul 21, 2015 at 5:38pm PDT

4. Sausage, Carrot & Zucchini Casserole from MadeItLoveItPaleo

I’m all about a great casserole and this one is my favorite.

Everything goes into a casserole dish and gets sliced into individual servings for the week. This casserole is full of veggies and is so satisfying.

→ Recipe: Sausage, Carrot & Zucchini Casserole

If you want to try another variation of a yummy casserole, check out this version using peppers and chorizo!

5. Chicken Wings

We love chicken wings at our house! They are affordable and so easy to make. We usually get the wing sections and we don’t even bother to separate them. No need to take the extra step unless you are really particular about eating them as flats and drums.

Here is a roundup of all of our favorite Keto Chicken Wing recipes that we make again and again.

→Keto Chicken Wing Recipe Roundup

  6. Crispy Fried Eggs over Greens

I could eat crispy fried eggs over greens every day and never get tired of it. If you’re into creamy, dreamy yolk, then you know what I’m talking about.  

I heat butter in a pan over medium-high heat and once it’s nice and hot, I add my eggs.  I let them cook until the edges are nice and crispy and the white on top is cooked. 

→ No recipe needed!

7. Leafy Greens with leftover meat, grass-fed hot dogs or chicken sausage

This is just an extra way of saying “salad”. Yep, salads are a clutch move when eating low carb.

Greens + Meat + Dressing and you have one easy meal on your hands.

→ No recipe needed!

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8. Broccoli & Cheese Soup from Wholesome Yum

I eat this soup all the time and literally never get tired of it. This soup is crazy easy and only requires a few ingredients to make. 

I make it even easier by using a big bag of frozen broccoli. I only change up one thing in this recipe and that is to add 1/2 cup finely chopped onion, because I think it makes the flavor even better. I also love to add a little crispy bacon on top!

This recipe makes enough for almost two weeks worth of lunch. I freeze it in individual servings using silicone muffin tins.

→ Recipe: Broccoli Cheese Soup from Wholesome Yum

9. Kale & Salmon Cakes from MadeItLoveItPaleo

When we’re cleaning out the pantry, I always make these simple cakes using cans of boneless, wild-caught salmon that I like to keep on hand from Trader Joe’s.

They reheat really well and I love having them for lunch.

→ Recipe: Kale & Salmon Cakes

10. Kalua Pig from Nom Nom Paleo

If you haven’t made Kalua Pig from Nom Nom Paleo yet, you are missing out on one of the best recipes ever – low carb or not. This pulled pork is juicy, tender and you can use the leftovers in so many ways.

I regularly add this to soup and salads, but my favorite way to use it is to add it to a hot pan, get it nice and crispy and serve it with fried eggs and greens.

→ Recipe: Kalua Pig from Nom Nom Paleo

11. Chaffles

I finally jumped on the chaffle train a few months ago and it’s opened up a whole wide world of meal possibilities. If you haven’t already heard of chaffles, it’s a waffle made from cheese and egg.

No recipe required here kids – 1/2 cup of whatever shredded cheese you want to use mixed with one egg will make two mini chaffles.

Mini waffle makers are everywhere these days, but this is ours and it works like a champ. You can get it at Target and Amazon.

Here is what I like to do with my chaffles:

Taco Chaffles: Ground beef, a dollop of sour cream and cilantro

Barbecue Chaffles: Brisket + sugar-free barbecue sauce (check out this brand, their sauces are amazing!!!)

Open-Face Egg Chaffles: Fried Eggs + a sausage patty

Chaffle Toast: Smear your chaffle with cream cheese and maybe even a sprinkle of Everything but the Bagel seasoning

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  12. Breakfast for Dinner

Breakfast foods are my favorite. Eggs and bacon specifically are my jam, so I looooove having breakfast for dinner.

Scrambled eggs, fried eggs or an omelette paired with bacon or sausage is a yummy way to change up your regular dinner routine. 

I also love to take leftovers and use them to make an omelette. In the picture below, I added my leftovers from a local Mexican restaurant – carnitas, cheese and cilantro – and it made for an AMAZING dinner!

→ No recipe needed!

13. Egg Roll in a Bowl

The concept is simple, it’s the insides of an eggroll (with a few tweaks), minus the crunchy wrapper, enjoyed in a bowl.

This recipe is completely and ridiculously easy and it’s now on the menu weekly.  It’s delicious, filling and reheats beautifully for leftovers. 

Did I mention this is a one-pot meal?  That’s right, one pot = one dish to clean.  That’s what I’m talking about! 

→ Recipe: Egg Roll in a Bowl from MadeItLoveItPaleo

14. Pork Chops

Pork chops are not only delicious, but also really budget friendly. Our favorites are thick, bone-in pork chops. They give the most flavor and are pretty much foolproof when it comes to cooking.

Similar to dark meat chicken – thicker, bone-in pork chops are harder to overcook and are juicier than the thinner, boneless version. 

→ Recipe: Oven Baked Pork Chops from Cooking LSL

15. Snacky Meal

I love a quick and easy “snacky meal”. Whenever I’m short on time or low on options, I put together a quick meal of low carb goodies. Almonds, cheese, lunch meat and pickles are my favorites that I almost always have on hand.

Just grab a serving of a few of your favorite low carb foods and make a snack plate. It really doesn’t get much easier than that!

I hope you found this list of my go-to keto meals helpful!

When you have several go-to meals that you enjoy time and time again it makes following this low carb lifestyle so much easier.

We save so much time meal planning and grocery shopping, because we rotate some variation of these meals over and over. 

If you’re wondering what we eat on the side, it’s always one of two things: Roasted vegetables or leafy greens (spinach or spring mix), sometimes both.

We love serving meals over a bed of greens to make sure we’re getting plenty of veggies. Just grab a handful of greens, throw them on a plate and serve your food on top.

Roasted vegetables are almost as easy. If your favorite veggies take longer to prep, try prepping them over the weekend and cutting them up into bite sized, ready to roast pieces.

We usually go for zucchini, mushrooms, kale chips, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower and radishes.

Roasting is a time saver, because all you need to do is throw your cut up vegetables on a large baking sheet, toss with some oil, salt & pepper and into the oven they go. They are cooking themselves while you prep the rest of your meal.

We usually roast everything at 375 for 20-30 minutes (except kale chips which take a fraction of that time). I wait until everything is deeply browned before I take it out.

Check out these recipes for some simple and easy roasted veggie side dishes:

Foolproof Kale Chips

Easy Roasted Brussels Sprouts

Smoky Roasted Mushrooms

The 15 Go-To Keto Meals that helped me lose 85 pounds! - I consider this our family's VIP list of keto meals. Easy to prepare....check. Not too many ingredients....check. Tastes amazing....check. #keto #ketoaf #ketorecipes I have been following a Keto lifestyle since January 2018 and over that time I have lost a total of 88 pounds and learned a lot about what types of recipes and meals help me stick with this low carb life without sacrificing my grocery budget or a ton of extra time in the kitchen.

[babyobservationcrusade-blog]

I welcome back once again to how to cook great food calm as you can see it I've got a beautiful large black pomfret fish towels been taken off in descale - really nicely and been cleaned since we creamed all inside bit of a whopper this one you can see also I've taken off thin there and a little bit underneath big boy this one is so what I'm going to do is I'm going to cut him up and I'm going to make two dishes from this because this is far too big it's just for one dish I'll be back when I'm sliced up okay as you can see this has been sliced beautifully there's a lot of meat around the head I'm not actually using the whole head in this but some people do is plenty of meat around that top head part beautifully fleshy and nice and clean like I say this is far too much for what I want to do so I'm going to make two dishes I'll use 50% for this one let's get going okay so the first we're going to do is make a marination for our fish they gonna there's a lovely bunch of fresh coriander then here I've got some chili powder cumin powder and coriander powder roughly equal parts some sort of some Hardy or turmeric and then here I've got some fresh green chili and plenty of garlic along with I sorry not garlic ginger a long rift some shots onions the fact there is no garlic in this dish at all so let's give this a little whizzed up then we're going to add our coconut to that as well I've got a coconut here which I'm lucky enough to have so I'm gonna crack that open take the water out the coconut milk and then scrape out the middle but if not you can just use a regular tin of coconut milk this is slightly better than okay so that's finely minced now now we're just gonna add our coconut which is the pulp and the milk we're gonna blend that again I'll kind of make a nice green and some of yellowy chutney which we're going to put our fish in and marinate so let me do that and I'll be back okay there's our fantastic marination now we're simply gonna do is drop some fish in there give that a nice mix around now ideally you want to leave this overnight or a minimum of two hours you need to get some cling film ring crap on the top of that refrigerate it and let it just do its work one of those flavors will seep in to that beautiful pomfret fish I'll see you at the next stage okay so here's our fantastic marination I've left mine overnight I mean this fish is virtually cooked you know that it's spinning that marination so long but simply just a little drain off of it to get a little bit of cornflour on it so I'm going to repeat this process then we're just going to go straight over to the cooker and fry this off it's gonna be absolutely delicious so just shake a little excess off not too much you keep some of it on there into the corn flour or corn starch depending on what you call it it's exactly the same thing and to the cooler see you the next stage okay so I've coated all of the fish now I've got some regular vegetable oil there you can use any oil you'd like I'll put that on just pop her in and see how she sounds that's perfect I smoked crazy hearts simply gonna get our fish in there through the shapes of it no it's not sticking and then two minutes the sides pretty much and this is going to be done I'll see you when I'm taking them out okay let's turn the heat up get these beautiful bits of pomfret fish down I said I've only like two to three minutes of sign for they're nice and golden-brown you can if you want I haven't done it on this one but you can add a 17 up on top of the corn flour as well and fry that off but I prefer them just like this that's beautifully crispy they've got all that fantastic marination in there these are going to be great i sear the table okay there we have it absolutely delicious that marination has made all the difference if you can leave it like I did overnight then these are just so much better minimum with two hours though okay check out our other videos if you like we've got hundreds and hundreds of difference of recipes from around the world from different chefs subscribe if you like what you're seeing let us know how you get on with this dish we'll see you again soon take care bye bye

[babyobservationcrusade-blog]

I welcome back once again to how to cook great food calm as you can see it I've got a beautiful large black pomfret fish towels been taken off in descale - really nicely and been cleaned since we creamed all inside bit of a whopper this one you can see also I've taken off thin there and a little bit underneath big boy this one is so what I'm going to do is I'm going to cut him up and I'm going to make two dishes from this because this is far too big it's just for one dish I'll be back when I'm sliced up okay as you can see this has been sliced beautifully there's a lot of meat around the head I'm not actually using the whole head in this but some people do is plenty of meat around that top head part beautifully fleshy and nice and clean like I say this is far too much for what I want to do so I'm going to make two dishes I'll use 50% for this one let's get going okay so the first we're going to do is make a marination for our fish they gonna there's a lovely bunch of fresh coriander then here I've got some chili powder cumin powder and coriander powder roughly equal parts some sort of some Hardy or turmeric and then here I've got some fresh green chili and plenty of garlic along with I sorry not garlic ginger a long rift some shots onions the fact there is no garlic in this dish at all so let's give this a little whizzed up then we're going to add our coconut to that as well I've got a coconut here which I'm lucky enough to have so I'm gonna crack that open take the water out the coconut milk and then scrape out the middle but if not you can just use a regular tin of coconut milk this is slightly better than okay so that's finely minced now now we're just gonna add our coconut which is the pulp and the milk we're gonna blend that again I'll kind of make a nice green and some of yellowy chutney which we're going to put our fish in and marinate so let me do that and I'll be back okay there's our fantastic marination now we're simply gonna do is drop some fish in there give that a nice mix around now ideally you want to leave this overnight or a minimum of two hours you need to get some cling film ring crap on the top of that refrigerate it and let it just do its work one of those flavors will seep in to that beautiful pomfret fish I'll see you at the next stage okay so here's our fantastic marination I've left mine overnight I mean this fish is virtually cooked you know that it's spinning that marination so long but simply just a little drain off of it to get a little bit of cornflour on it so I'm going to repeat this process then we're just going to go straight over to the cooker and fry this off it's gonna be absolutely delicious so just shake a little excess off not too much you keep some of it on there into the corn flour or corn starch depending on what you call it it's exactly the same thing and to the cooler see you the next stage okay so I've coated all of the fish now I've got some regular vegetable oil there you can use any oil you'd like I'll put that on just pop her in and see how she sounds that's perfect I smoked crazy hearts simply gonna get our fish in there through the shapes of it no it's not sticking and then two minutes the sides pretty much and this is going to be done I'll see you when I'm taking them out okay let's turn the heat up get these beautiful bits of pomfret fish down I said I've only like two to three minutes of sign for they're nice and golden-brown you can if you want I haven't done it on this one but you can add a 17 up on top of the corn flour as well and fry that off but I prefer them just like this that's beautifully crispy they've got all that fantastic marination in there these are going to be great i sear the table okay there we have it absolutely delicious that marination has made all the difference if you can leave it like I did overnight then these are just so much better minimum with two hours though okay check out our other videos if you like we've got hundreds and hundreds of difference of recipes from around the world from different chefs subscribe if you like what you're seeing let us know how you get on with this dish we'll see you again soon take care bye bye