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nagichi-boop · 4 years ago

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Kenma - Autism Thoughts/Headcanons

A little self indulgent post that will hopefully be interesting for someone.

Note: I haven't been diagnosed with ASD, nor am I a professional in anything related to psychology or autism. These observations are purely based on my personal knowledge and research on the subject. If something isn't correct, please let me know and I'll try to adjust things accordingly.

This post contains some spoilers for the Haikyuu manga, including the time skip.

Also, if you have anything you'd like to add, please do! I'd be interested to know your thoughts.

The most notable autistic trait Kenma has is his difficulty making eye contact. He usually either speaks without looking at people or if someone looks at him, he will avert his gaze. Even with those he is closer to like Kuroo and Hinata, he can only maintain eye contact for so long before he looks away.

It’s very clear that Kenma’s special interest is his video games. It’s such a strong passion of his that the boy decided to make a career out of it. The world famous kodzuken out here showing the world how talented and special he is.

Kenma tends to speak in a very monotone voice. He also says things very bluntly, which either comes off as rude or his honesty is viewed as something comforting.

Speaking of which, Kenma tries to tie his love of video games to other aspects of his life. He sometimes references aspects of video games to his volleyball playing. Kuroo also takes note of this and sometimes links things to video games as well, such as when he suggests being a setter is like being a strategist and when he says Kenma is less like a hero and more like the final boss of a game.

On the other hand, he seems to be able to spot patterns very well. As a kid, he would attentively watch matches with Kuroo and then point out things the players were doing. When he’s playing in matches himself, the team depends on him to think of strategies to trick the other team and help them to win.

It's also interesting in the flashback above that Kuroo falls asleep watching the match while Kenma keenly observes. Kuroo was the one to introduce Kenma to volleyball, but Kenma became very fixated on it to the point where, at least when it comes to watching matches, he became more obsessed with volleyball than Kuroo.

Kuroo mentions that Kenma tends to be unmotivated to do things that he isn’t interested in, but if he is interested in it, he invests in it with all his energy. He clearly does this with video games – he doesn’t give up on them even when he is struggling with it. He also does the same with volleyball. Even though he usually tries to find ways to avoid situations he doesn’t like, in the Battle of the Dumpster match, he gives his all, even saying that he doesn’t want the match to end. He then thanks Kuroo for introducing him to volleyball.

He seems like the type to not really like crowds. Even though he didn’t seem to have a practical reason to not watch the Alders vs Black Jackals match in person, he decided to watch the game from the comfort of his home.

It should also be noted that his career is one that would limit the amount of social interaction he has to do as he has most of what he needs for his job at home.

Although its not necessarily a direct trait of autism, Kenma has a very vivid imagination. He uses his imagination to daydream and make unenjoyable activities more bearable, such as running.

The poor thing isn’t the best at dealing with others. When he first meets Hinata, he is very closed off and doesn’t really talk a lot, clearly uncomfortable with Hinata being around. He also didn’t understand Yamamoto, which led Kuroo to offer him advice on how to interact with him. (Side note, but Kenma is very clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter as he isn't shown to say anything back to Kuroo and instead looks the other way.)

It's also shown that he sometimes needs a moment to collect his thoughts before speaking. For example, when he tries to offer advice to Yamamoto in an attempt to bond with him, he stumbles on his words a little before he's able to get his full thoughts out.

Even though he mostly hates being touched by others and having his personal space invaded, Kenma is also sometimes shown to not understand personal space very well. When he is looking at stuff in a vending machine, he gets close to the people standing in front of it and accidentally scares them a little.

While he isn’t shown to stim that much, he does tend to be looking at either his phone or a video game, which could be a form of visual stimming. When he first meets Hinata, he is on his phone but he mentions that he is only using it to pass time, so it’s possible he was just using it as a way to calm himself down in an unfamiliar situation. He is also shown to be twitching his feet when he is in the Nekoma dorms, which is a stim I personally have.

It’s possible that Kenma’s comfort items are his phone and/or PSP. He usually isn’t seen without at least one of them in his hand.

When Kenma went to comfort Hinata because he was ill, he didn’t really offer words of encouragement. He instead gave his friend a tablet so he could watch the match. He showed his care through practical help.

Kenma tends to wear the same sort of clothes all the time. When he was a kid, he usually wore a long undershirt and then a t-shirt on top of it, or he would wear a hoodie. As a teenager and adult, he is often shown to be wearing a hoodie like he always used to do, maybe because he is used to that outfit and it's comfortable for him. He also wears his hair in a bun every time he is shown in the time skip.

He doesn’t really like being the center of attention. He finds the speech Kuroo gives before each match to be embarrassing, likely because he doesn’t like how it draws attention to him. He also got very nervous when Kageyama was staring at him and mumbling a lot of questions.

Kenma tends to hide behind Kuroo a lot. I personally do this when I’m around people that make me uncomfortable, but he makes it look so much cuter. Am I just pointing this out because I love gushing about how adorable Kenma is? I’ll let you decide.

He doesn’t really like formalities, which is why he allows Hinata to call him by his first name as soon as they meet. He also tells Lev off whenever he addresses Kenma formally. While it is mostly attributed to how he was treated by his upperclassmen in the past, it could also be because he doesn’t quite understand why such social rules exist to begin with.

Hope you found this post interesting! Once again, feel free to share your own thoughts and ideas on the subject! ^^

I wanted to include more images but I didn't realise Tumblr had a limit, oops. Hopefully my points make sense even without the visual aids.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu headcanons #kozume kenma #autism #autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodiverse character

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adultingautistic · 4 years ago

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asd was just "ruled out" by my therapist but something still doesnt seem right about it like just it didnt feel like everything was resolved and even though i had a list in front of me to help explain i still didnt explain everything right I don't know i was labeled more as a highly sensitive person which i guess makes sense but my therapist seemed to be talking more about the stereotypical autism traits of being not empathetic and things like that like i am HYPEREMPATHETIC as frick but I (1/2)

(2/2) i don't understand why someones feeling that way unless they tell me directly and i dont know what to do to help. i also am almost always called out for being to blatantly honest/ blunt and i can only understand sarcasm if I am close to the person and in a good mood. i also just don't know when i say things that are not appropriate to a conversation unless im told directly as well and i got in trouble for that a lot. and there's a lot ofthings that confuse me when having conversations.

(3/2 oops) i feel like its so much deeper than i can explain to someone but I'm just more confused now and don't know what else to do.

First, being HYPERempathic IS an autism trait. Here is an article that details that:

“In the case of affective empathy, rather than having too little, autistic people can often have way too much – a condition known as ‘hyper-empathy.’

Hyper-empathic people find that even the thought of anyone or anything suffering causes them intense emotional, psychological and often physical pain. They can be highly sensitive to any changes in atmospheres, picking up on the slightest tension between people, and becoming more and more upset as they anticipate things escalating.”

So your therapist is plainly wrong, and isn’t trained properly in diagnosing autism- which almost all therapists are not. Therapists do not have the ability to diagnose or “rule out” autism. They are not trained for this. Only some psychiatrists, who are specifically trained in diagnosing autism, can diagnose or rule out autism.

Tell your therapist that you want an autism diagnosis, from a psychiatrist who is trained in diagnosing autism. If they say again “but I’ve ruled you out”, say “Are you trained and able to diagnose autism?” if they say “no”, then you reply with “If you aren’t able to diagnose autism, then you are also unable to rule it out, as ruling out autism is a diagnosis of “not-autistic”.”

If your therapist does not listen to you, then you can find a psychiatrist that diagnoses autism on your own. Search for autism diagnosis clinics in your area and make an appointment yourself. You do not have to go through your therapist, and if they do not help you, you do not need them.

Also, if they do not listen to you after you present this information, I’d suggest getting a new therapist, because a therapist that doesn’t listen to you isn’t going to be able to help you.

Good luck. If you want a diagnosis, you deserve one, and you have a right to one, and you will get it, if you keep on trying.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #diagnosis #therapists #hyperempathy #ask

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themiddlelayer · 5 years ago

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And here we go...

The date at the park Wednesday night went really well. He’d opened with saying that he was “bad at relationships” and didn’t ever want to get married again. He’s working on divorce #2 and, like me, stayed married on paper so she could keep the benefits. And he’s now so twitterpated that he literally forgot to eat most of yesterday while we were chatting. This morning I woke up to a link to an article titled, “How To Love Someone For The Rest Of Your Life.”

Oops, I did it again?

In all seriousness, the more we talk the more he looks like a great fit. He’s got issues... hell, he’s got subscriptions to PTSD (from living with his Missionary Parents as a young child in Africa), anxiety, depression and a whole host of religious-based guilt. But I knew all of that before our first kiss. He’s been in therapy and acknowledges how far he’s come and where he needs to work on himself.

Part of me says, ‘project’ but it looks like I’ll get a lot from him in exchange for the emotional labor involved in connecting with a fellow ‘crazy’ who is in a different phase of self-discovery.

He’s a ‘Daddy Dom’ which at face value squicks me out. But it’s less the whole ‘Daddy’ thing and more the nurturing-focused way he does the Dom thing. I mentioned that I’d just washed my hair and he said he would love to do that for me sometime. Then he asked how I feel about having my hair brushed. Swoon!

He’s very logical minded, an engineer who, per his own assessment, is probably on the autism spectrum to some degree. But when we’ve hit on conversations about psychology and ‘the human condition’ as he calls it, he’s said he loves talking about those subjects. He realizes that its something he needs to learn more about.

In some ways he reminds me of MM when we first met, including having been cheater in a miserable marriage for over a decade.

All NRE aside, he doesn’t seem like he’s looking to jump on the relationship escalator anytime soon. He’s living without a partner for the first time in a long time (1st wife was 15 yrs., 2nd one was 5-ish yrs.) and he’s really enjoying it. That makes things so much easier for me, even if I do get hit with the Fuckstruck stick after tonight. Lol!

I still need a nickname.. his last name is the same as a famous pirate and he’s a spank-o so my initial thought was Pirate. Loves the booty.. no? too cheesy? He also breeds Great Danes on a 12-acre ranch and had a LOT of animals at one point so Dr. Doolittle or something about the ranch also came to mind. I’m going up there for dinner tonight so I’ll see what sticks.

The slightly uncomfortable part for me is how fast he’s fallen. I like him... the conversation was great and the chemistry amazing but I’m not getting butterflies or feeling stupid like I did with Viking. That part actually feels really good to me. Safe. Sane.

Puppy fell harder and faster than I did by miles and it’s taken a lot for me to work through the understanding that his feelings are his and they are not my responsibility. I just don’t want to go down that kind of path again.

Queen Bee and I talked about it this morning and she said that I’m a strong witch and we tend to forget that we give off an “addictive energy.” Olive said that I’m ‘easy to fall in love with.’

This all falls into that category of first-world problems that I feel bad for complaining about.

On a separate but semi-related note, I got a random facebook message yesterday from a local City Councilman who I met a handful of times 2 years ago or so. All of our interactions were semi-business related, mostly because of my work with PFLAG. He got divorced.. found my page on FetLife and decided to message me and tell me that he always thought I was ‘sexy as hell’ and he wants me to show him what he’s been missing in his ‘traditional’ world.

He’s not bad looking, very southern and sweet... but he’s also a 50 year old republican divorcee who is going through a pretty standard mid-life crisis from what I can tell. I didn’t totally shoot him down, but I’m leaning towards nah.. especially given how things with the new guy are going.

Queen Bee hit the nail on the head when she said that quarantine life has hit a breaking point and I tend to send out a sort of beacon of energy.

Never a dull moment in my world, right?

#covid life #dating during the plague #witchy woo-woo

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kathleenseiber · 6 years ago

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Oh! Interactive map tracks ‘vocal bursts’ of emotion

The spontaneous sounds we make to express everything from elation (woohoo!) to embarrassment (oops) say a surprising amount about what we’re feeling, research shows.

To prove that a sigh is not just a sigh, scientists conducted a statistical analysis of listener responses to more than 2,000 nonverbal exclamations known as “vocal bursts” and found they convey at least 24 kinds of emotion. Previous studies of vocal bursts set the number of recognizable emotions closer to 13.

The results, which appear in the American Psychologist, demonstrate the findings in vivid sound and color on the first-ever interactive audio map of nonverbal vocal communication.

Click on the image to visit the online audio map, then move the cursor across map to hear exclamations linked to 24 emotions. Note that the audio works more slowly on mobile devices. (Credit: Alan Cowen)

“This study is the most extensive demonstration of our rich emotional vocal repertoire, involving brief signals of upwards of two dozen emotions as intriguing as awe, adoration, interest, sympathy, and embarrassment,” says senior author Dacher Keltner, a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley, and faculty director of the Greater Good Science Center, which helped support the research.

Huh? and Gasp!

For millions of years, humans have used wordless vocalizations to communicate feelings that we can decode in a matter of seconds, as this latest study demonstrates.

“Our findings show that the voice is a much more powerful tool for expressing emotion than previously assumed,” says lead author Alan Cowen, a PhD student in psychology.

On Cowen’s audio map, you can slide a cursor across the emotional topography and hover over fear (scream), then surprise (gasp), then awe (whoa), realization (ohhh), interest (ah?), and finally confusion (huh?).

Among other applications, the map can help teach voice-controlled digital assistants and other robotic devices to better recognize human emotions based on the sounds we make, Cowen says.

As for clinical uses, the map could theoretically guide medical professionals and researchers working with people with dementia, autism, and other emotional processing disorders to zero in on specific emotion-related deficits.

“It lays out the different vocal emotions that someone with a disorder might have difficulty understanding,” Cowen says. “For example, you might want to sample the sounds to see if the patient is recognizing nuanced differences between, say, awe and confusion.”

Nonverbal signals

Though limited to US responses, the study suggests humans are so keenly attuned to nonverbal signals—such as the bonding “coos” between parents and infants—that we can pick up on the subtle differences between surprise and alarm, or an amused laugh versus an embarrassed laugh.

For example, by placing the cursor in the embarrassment region of the map, you might find a vocalization that you recognize as a mix of amusement, embarrassment, and positive surprise.

“A tour through amusement reveals the rich vocabulary of laughter and a spin through the sounds of adoration, sympathy, ecstasy, and desire may tell you more about romantic life than you might expect,” Keltner says.

2,000 vocal outbursts

Researchers asked 56 male and female professional actors and non-actors from the United States, India, Kenya, and Singapore to respond to emotionally evocative scenarios and recorded more than 2,000 vocal bursts.

Next, more than 1,000 adults recruited via Amazon’s Mechanical Turk online marketplace listened to the vocal bursts and evaluated them based on the emotions and meaning they conveyed and whether the tone was positive or negative, among several other characteristics.

A statistical analysis of their responses found that the vocal bursts fit into at least two dozen distinct categories including amusement, anger, awe, confusion, contempt, contentment, desire, disappointment, disgust, distress, ecstasy, elation, embarrassment, fear, interest, pain, realization, relief, sadness, surprise (positive), surprise (negative), sympathy, and triumph.

For the second part of the study, researchers sought to present real-world contexts for the vocal bursts. To do this, they sampled YouTube video clips that evoke the 24 emotions established in the first part of the study, such as babies falling, puppies being hugged, and spellbinding magic tricks.

This time, 88 adults of all ages judged the vocal bursts extracted from YouTube videos. Again, the researchers categorized the responses into 24 shades of emotion. They then organized the full set of data into a semantic space onto an interactive map.

“These results show that emotional expressions color our social interactions with spirited declarations of our inner feelings that are difficult to fake, and that our friends, co-workers, and loved ones rely on to decipher our true commitments,” Cowen says.

Additional researchers from Washington University in St. Louis and Stockholm University contributed to the work.

Source: UC Berkeley

The post Oh! Interactive map tracks ‘vocal bursts’ of emotion appeared first on Futurity.

Oh! Interactive map tracks ‘vocal bursts’ of emotion published first on https://triviaqaweb.weebly.com/

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maigirasoli · 6 years ago

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update part 2 - work

January - Work

Work wise, the head of HR at my work phoned me in January to tell me that the claim has been accepted and I no longer have to send in sick notes - it’s basically insurance from a separate company that accept a claim from my work so that I can still get some pay from work while I’m off ill (if that makes sense). And the claim company will get an independent doctor to review me every now and again to make sure the claim is still valid. The paperwork normally takes 3 months and the reviews are every 6 months or so but because the paperwork took so long to sort out my review is a lot sooner - next month.

I had an email a few weeks ago from her saying that the claim people had contacted her and they need me to fill out this form. It was 6 pages long and SO difficult to fill it because it was asking about symptoms, how it’s impacting on my daily life, how I manage doing daily activities, a summary of what I day in the mornings and afternoons for every day of the week, what’s stopping me from going back to work/what about my job can’t I do at the moment, what needs to change for me to go back to work etc. I also need to mention what support/treatment I’m getting. I got confused and thought I was seeing a doctor for a review but then because I got this form I thought oh that’s instead of but my dad is saying no I will see someone, the form is just the first step.

I also feel massively guilty because the HR lady and my line manager have been incredibly supportive since I’ve been off that I feel like I have to go back, even though I know that it wouldn’t be good for me and I hate it there. Feel so under pressure.

January - Work Experience

On that topic, I applied for work experience (at a veterinary practice) and voluntary work (at an animal rescue centre) at some point last year because for many years I’d had nursing in my head (both animal and human) and because I was in a better place than I am now, not massively better but better enough to think of a future of some kind - I thought I’d get some experience under way incase I do decide I definitely want to do this, I want a life and I’m going to go to college. For the college course (veterinary nursing) you need 2 weeks work experience done within the year that you apply and even though I’ve done work experience in the past it’s too long ago and would mean I’d have to find another placement. So I emailed loads of places and after a lot of no they’re fully booked or they don’t offer it, I asked my auntie (my ‘not real’ auntie, but my mum’s best friend that lives further South - that one!) if it was ok if I emailed places near her and my grampa the same. And I heard back from a vets near my auntie’s.

That went ahead, my mood had been gradually dropping at this point but I still thought no I can do this even if I don’t want a future, if I change my mind I have it there all completed, if I don’t then it’s just a few weeks of experience to get through and that’s that. I did 2 weeks there and the people were lovely, except for some girls really did make me feel like I was in school again and outrightly ignore me to my face or just give me dirty looks when I asked them a question. So petty, but anyway. I fainted the first day there oops (not because of blood, I’m not squeamish) and almost did on the last day.. was quite ‘funny’ (not funny) to think that could have happened on opposite ends of the placement days ha. I did feel like a spare part because there wasn’t much to do at all, a lot of standing around waiting for something that I could watch (it wasn’t like the work experience I did in Scotland years ago where I got so much involvement in what they did, I mean there were times I was standing around with nothing to do there too but not as much as this placement) but even the staff were saying this was unusually very quiet for them. BUT that’s what work experience is going to be like. It just doesn’t help my already negative frame of mind and me not wanting to be there.

Really struggled in that time especially with noise and social interactions and on particularly hard days, it was hard to function in general. One day in particular sticks out because I was crying as I came ‘home’ and I had to go back out to my car and drive somewhere because my auntie I don’t think understood what was going on and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk and so I said I was going to go out and ended up crying on the phone to my mum (of all people, yep. It actually went.. ok, I mean it was me crying for like half an hour but yeah) because I couldn’t get a hold of my dad and I needed to talk to someone so so badly and I was just in a state.

After the first week I’d had enough and wanted to go - not because I had no interest in that career and hated it but because my mood was/is low and I just didn’t want to do anything. I did stick it out for the two weeks though and I’m glad I did) and I would cry in my car at lunch times or after haha, how pathetic.

After hours of being out the house and being around people and noise etc I need to be able to just go to my room for a bit to breathe. I NEED my own down time and space, but I wasn’t able to get it because obviously i’m not at home and can’t just go to my room. My auntie LOVES to talk a LOT so I’m having to listen and pay attention and try and have a conversation back and I just feel drained and tired and it’s all too much. She also looks after her next door neighbours puppy 4 days a week who is ADORABLE but loves a squeaky toy and the noise would pierce my ears (especially at 7 in the morning when he’d be brought round for the day) and he loves throwing the ball about and doing it continuously for hours (and I know i’m going to sound like a wimp but I hate being around balls. They make me flinch and anxious). I feel so awful saying that because I love my auntie so much and I hated leaving her at the end of it and it was lovely to see her and spend time with her and on a particularly difficult day (the day where it was one year since I y’know) we ended up in a giggle fit that evening and it was a nice way to be able to ‘deal’ with that day, even though to everyone else it would have just been any other day.

February - Volunteer Work

I’d been successful with my application for it but hadn’t heard anything since then until last month about an induction. I had the induction in the beginning of February where I met all the animals (I’d applied to work with the farm animals on Tuesday afternoons) and had my first day volunteering last week.

The first thing I got to do was walk this shetland pony which did add some light to my day and then the rest of the afternoon was helping with cleaning, grooming the pony and helping with feeding some of the animals with their afternoon feeds. It went okay, apart from the fact that it was freezing outside (part of the job though so I don’t mind at all!) and that I don’t feel physically? very capable of some of the jobs. For example shovelling lots and lots of dirty hay into a big mound and carrying heavy feeds has really done my back in. But in general, I feel so weak and tired, which is pathetic of me I know. As for the psychological side of things, I’m not in a good place at all and I just don’t know if I can do this right now. I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m making excuses or what. I just don’t see the point in going. They are overloaded with volunteers as it is and on a Tuesday afternoon there isn’t much to do with the farm animals. I haven’t been since this one time. Last week I really wasn’t in the place to go and I feel really guilty. And then not next Tuesday but the one after that I won’t be able to go then either because my appointment with the autism services is during the time I would volunteer. So that’s going to make me look so bad.

The whole college thing has been in my head ever since the work experience still, but more so as ‘right this is something I can focus on in my head rather than killing myself’ and not because I genuinely want to and have this passion to do college/work/anything right now. It’s more of let me find something that will make me feel better and worthwhile. And for weeks I’d been driving my parents mad going do I apply for the course in April or September (my mum originally was saying April because it’s soon and if I just get out of bed and do all this then I’ll feel differently and want a future) whereas my dad was saying the complete opposite (September or not at all at the moment because I’m not in the right place) and the whole thing just goes round and round in circles, I can barely seem to make a simple decision at the moment and this isn’t exactly simple or little. I know now I wouldn’t be applying for the right reasons and if I did get accepted it’s only a month away and there’s still so much unknown in terms of medical support, aspergers stuff and what I’d do about work. It would just make sense not to make such a big decision when I’m having suicidal thoughts and am basing my decision on what I think other people think I should do and if I do this it will make them happy, instead of me being like yay let’s genuinely plan my future !! I really truly want to live !!

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years ago

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 131, November 2018

On Monday night, I attended a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. Tonight was a last class before Aaron heads off on his trip to Bali for 3 weeks to do an intensive training course. It was a 30 degree hot humid day outside but I really didn’t want to miss this class as I’ve been putting off my yoga practice again recently. It was unusually packed in the studio but being Aaron’s last class a few weeks, I should have suspected that. Thank goodness that the air-con and ceiling fans were turned up or else I would have been sweating heaps.

Aaron guided up through a series of yin style poses including caterpillar, toe squat, straitjacket pose and leg extensions with strap. I found these all to be particularly challenging with my pain and discomfort threshold being tested as well as my annoying anxious mind on rapid fire (Am I doing this right? Oh shit, my strap’s twisted. God this hurts so much! My legs look like a mangled mess). But I did my best to not get caught up in those thoughts and just focus on breathing and releasing. https://www.yinyoga.com/ys2_2.0_asanas_toe_squat.php

I also tend to get myself emotional during Yin classes mostly because there’s a microscopic focus on me and that can be quite confronting at times. Loving yourself is one of the most difficult things to do but also one of the most important things. Hence why I often find it so hard. It helps to connect with positive affirmations like “I deserve to be here practicing yoga. I am worthy. I do belong in this yoga community. I am not alone. I am accepted and welcome.” http://www.annieauyoga.com/library/2018/6/13/your-emotional-self-care-guide-in-yin-yoga

Saying goodbye to Aaron is still something I find painfully awkward to do. And it’s not just him either. It’s the internal pressure of knowing exactly what to say and when to hit the exit. But I made it short, sweet and simple. “Have fun in Bali.” Was there anything more to say? Not really. I’m not the type to ramble on about what’s going on in my life because that’s not how I roll. Still it was nice to see him showing that he cares and I’m excited for his trip away though I can’t pretend that I won’t be missing him. Namaste. https://www.aaronpetty.com/

On Thursday morning, I went down to Centrelink Cranbourne office to apply for the Disability Support Pension. This has been a long term goal for me this year and it’s taken me a few months to be prepared for it. There were quite a few obstacles in my way and several people who advised against applying for it but I stuck to my guns, making sure that I filled out all the forms correctly and gathered enough medical evidence, pay slips, bank statements, and letters to even bother trying for it. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/eligibility/how-we-assess-your-disability-or-condition

When it comes to the Centrelink system, I feel like there are harsh, unfair and unrealistic expectations placed on individuals who actually need their services and benefits. You have to jump through so many different hoops and meet often ridiculous eligibility criteria just to even be considered hence why I wasn’t exactly in a rush to get this done right away. Still I have legitimate diagnoses of depression, anxiety and high functioning autism so it’s not like cheating the system or doing it to get on A Current Affair. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/eligibility

So, in a way, I am doing this to prove the naysayers wrong and make big decisions on my own. But more importantly, I need the DSP in order to supplement my income which I continue to struggle with week to week. Of course people could argue that I should just get another job or increase my hours at my current job but sadly it’s just not that simple and it’s not like I haven’t tried those avenues either. It won’t be an easy road but I’m prepared to tackle and push through any bumps I need to get through. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/claiming/claiming-form

Walking into the Centrelink office, I was already feeling quite nervous. No amount of green decor was going to settle my nerves. This was a pretty big deal for me, months of preparation and I didn’t want to fuck it up. I decided to bring my Mum along just in case I did crumble to dust. The best way to deal with this level of anxiety is to throw humour at it and what better way than to think about Centrelink memes. I waited around 30-40 minutes or so and then my name was called up.

A lady named Emma served me, who was physically disabled herself and appeared to have dwarfism. Thankfully she was really nice and just asked me for all the required forms and supporting documentation for the claim. I don’t think I could have been more organised, though she was giving the photocopier a good workout with all the paper she had to make copies of. I asked her “How long do you expect it will take to get a decision?” She said 6-8 weeks which I expected but now that it’s done, I feel a huge sense of relief now.

On Thursday afternoon, I booked my first appointment to see an Occupational Therapist from Everyday Independence in about two weeks time. Last week at the Disability Expo, I only had a vague concept of what an Occupational Therapist actually does and still don’t really know for sure. But I figured I would give them a shot and considering I have NDIS funding, I don’t have much to lose over it. I mostly want to focus on improving my self confidence, social skills, making friends and at some point, living independently. Hopefully the OT can help me achieve some or all of those goals. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/occupational-therapy/

On Thursday night, I had my final Sleep Intervention Workshop held at La Trobe University Psychology Clinic in Bundoora. Prior to arriving, I received my actiwatch in the mail via express post which I’ll have to wear again for another week. This will basically be comparing the results from the first period and see if there’s been any improvement with my sleep. I engaged in my usual Maccas run though time wasn’t playing nice today. I literally had to scoff my food and coffee down (That’s NOT being mindful...oops!).

Tonight’s session was run by Eric and Alexa with Associate Professor Amanda “Mandy” Richdale joining in. Alexa guided us through a short mindfulness exercise which involved using the five senses: touch, smell, hearing, taste and sight, using a raisin. Next, they attempted to tie all the concepts and techniques that we’ve learned together as well as discuss the importance of having values to focus on. Basically trying to work on living a fulfilling life can in turn help to improve your sleep. Some of my important values include: accepting myself, loving others, creativity, imagination, embracing the moment and seeing possibilities.

We also did some short term goal setting which is perfect considering we are getting close to the end of 2018. I wrote down: catching up with friends and family, going out for dinner or drinks, losing weight and improving my fitness levels, going for regular walks, attending art exhibitions and galleries, producing artwork again and getting back into study. It was a good exercise as I usually don’t do it often enough as my mind gets caught up in other commitments and responsibilities. https://www.latrobe.edu.au/otarc

The last part of the session involved creating a plan for the next 6 weeks to make sure that we’re prepared when insomnia comes back. It breaks everything down into sizable chunks week by week and details many of the techniques that we’ve learned about during these workshops such as mindfulness and defusion of thoughts, feelings and emotions, building a new sleep routine and practicing acceptance. Eric then gave us each a $25 gift card for our participation in the study. https://aspergersvic.org.au/Research-Requests

Reflecting back on the last few weeks, it’s good to know that this is the first research study I have fully committed myself to. I didn’t let the physical distance, lack of motivation, low mood and energy levels stop me from finishing it off because I do believe that improving my sleep is something worthwhile to invest time into. It’s been a problem for me for at least 2 or 3 years now and that’s significant as it affects my daily functioning and ability to enjoy life. So hopefully it’ll have some long lasting benefits for me. https://www.apa.org/topics/sleep/why.aspx

On Friday morning, I started doing my Christmas shopping at Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre and Westfield Fountain Gate! Trust me to forget that it happened to be BLACK FRIDAY today so of course getting a parking spot was painful as hell. Also it’s this time of the year when my anxiety levels tend to increase more readily especially when it comes to impatient shoppers and drivers. The rainy weather outside certainly wasn’t helping matters either. It didn’t take long before I was getting stalked in the carpark.

IT’S THE MOST STRESSFUL (WONDERFUL) TIME OF THE YEAR! I briefly met up with Mum and my hairdresser Katrina, dropping into shops like Kmart, Target, Dusk and some $2 variety stores before I knew that I was ready to collapse with my shopping bags. I’m also learning that it’s okay to break things up, that I don’t necessarily have to do all my Christmas shopping in one hit. I put limits on myself for how much I’m able to handle and it’s a good thing because the last thing I want to do is burn myself out before Christmas Day.

On Friday night, I went to my HIIT Boxing class with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness. Boxing is both physically and mentally challenging. It takes a lot of effort, focus, concentration and practice to learn all the movements, techniques and combos. I’m fortunate that this group of clients is endlessly patient with me because I do worry that I’ll drop the ball at times. Anxiety is an unwelcome heckler trying hard to get me to give up and I’m able to shove it further and further into the background now.

Even though these small group training sessions are tough, it always feels good to finish them. My fitness level is irrelevant. To me, it’s more about what I can do rather than keeping up with the others. It’s a shift that’s taken me months to learn and remember. As a few people have told me, your only competition is yourself. Push ups are still one of the hardest exercises for me and yet I was smashing them out tonight at my own pace. It can only get better and easier over time.

On Saturday morning, I voted for Gary Maas - Labor for NWS at Strathaird Primary School. Generally speaking, I usually vote for the Australian Labor Party as most of my values align with their policies. Workers rights, public transport, infrastructure, education, mental health issues and autism are the big issues for me this State Election and Gary Maas ticks all of those boxes. https://www.viclabor.com.au/mp/maas-gary/

I’ve noticed that the Liberal candidate, Susan Serey, has had her face plastered on signs and flyers all around the Narre Warren South area. I guess their logic is that using dominant visual exposure will help secure more votes but to me, this screams of desperation. I haven’t seen her put many proposals forward for this election so I’m far from convinced that I should be voting for her. https://vic.liberal.org.au/SusanSerey

When it comes to Matthew Guy, he seems like a typical Liberal politician. All talk and all business. Coming off like a shady used car salesman with his “plan” to get Victoria back in control. Just like Scott Morrison, he’s just not very likable to me. https://www.matthewguy.com.au/

Daniel Andrews has done a lot of hard work for this state especially in the areas of workers rights, public transport and infrastructure. He has begun work on the Melbourne Metro and West Gate tunnels, removed many level-crossings on various train lines and upgraded several train stations, invested in free TAFE courses, building more schools and TAFE campuses, recruited more police officers, increased employment rate and job vacancies. http://www.cesarmelhem.com.au/andrews-labor-government-economic-achievements/

He is far from perfect but his achievements far outweigh his flaws in my opinion. Plus he has many great optimistic plans for the future if he ends up being re-elected. https://thenewdaily.com.au/news/state/vic/2018/11/20/victorian-election-policy-comparison-daniel-andrews-matthew-guy/

On Saturday night, I attended my work Christmas party held in the Common Room at Berwick Inn. When it comes to most social functions, my first instinct is to run for the hills and this potentially could have been the case tonight. I guess I wasn’t anticipating the huge turnout and therefore how much the space was creating bottlenecks and human traffic congestion. It’s moments like those where I literally need my own space to breathe.

However it was really lovely to see many team members tonight, both who I currently work with and a handful who have transferred stores, resigned or retired. Still being an introvert and autistic, social situations will always be challenging for me. Not knowing what to do, who to talk to, what to talk about but I generally gravitate towards people I feel comfortable around. There also becomes a point where I get easily bored and restless.

I decided to wear a black Christmas themed sweater with colourful Santas, bells, trees and snowflakes on it as well as a classic red Santa hat. It’s probably the one stereotypical trait that I don’t tick as an introverted person: putting myself out there with my outfit. Possibly because I want to make an impression and get people’s attention in a good way. I left shortly after the Visions & Values awards were announced as energetically I was spent and needed to rest. But I’m glad I made the effort to come out even for a short while.

“S-P-I-R-I-T, it's great to see. We got it, the spirit. Hey, hey, let's hear it. Said we couldn't go the distance, yeah. Look at us, we're going the distance. They just wanna be us. They don't wanna see us.” Mariah Carey featuring Ty Dolla $ign - The Distance (2018)

“It wasn't really much at all, just a little sensitivity, yeah that's all. Here in my heart is where you should be, ooh you are. Giving me life and it's everything. Thinkin' 'bout when we were seventeen. Living like Babs 'cause it's Evergreen. Here in my arms is where you should be.” Mariah Carey featuring Slick Rick & Blood Orange - Giving Me Life (2018)

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