#oofs in the chat pls laid ease

[jawnjendes]

you never listen and i hate you lately | tom holland

AN: i wrote this in 2017 when hoco came out AND when i was goin thru a breakup. i kept putting off posting it here but now that the uuuuuhhhhhh news dropped, have some more depressing shit!

there will not be a part 2

(i would link my masterlist but its literally just shawn mendes fics lulz)

i.

It took me a moment to realize what I had gotten down to the night before. When I woke up in a hotel room that was similar to mine, but not exactly the same, a bout of nerves pulsed through my veins. I rolled over onto my back, only to discover a sleeping guy next to me.

As always, my drunk self could not be trusted.

This wasn't new for me. Every time I went out, I always told myself that I wouldn't hook up with anyone. I would just have a few drinks and then go home and be drunk by myself. More often than not, though, I would wake up naked with a random person in a random place.

I mean, this time only happened because I was invited to the Spider-Man: Homecoming premiere. I wasn't sure why, but who was I to turn down something like that? There was an after party, and needless to say, I attended. That's where things got fuzzy. I had a few drinks and talked to a few people, some of them from the movie. I didn't expect to wake up in bed with the main fucking actor.

Again, not exactly uncharacteristic for me. But it was probably the least expected to discover that I had slept with Tom Holland. I was wracking my brain, trying to dig up the part from last night where I actually met him. You would think I would remember something like that, even with the amount of alcohol in my system. For once, I even tried to remember some of the events that happened in this room, but to no avail. Shame, this one was actually hot.

He turned in the sheets, facing me. I froze, not daring to look at him for a second. He remained still and silent, probably forgetting that he brought some random girl into bed last night. This was my sign to quietly get my shit together and leave. I sat up and scanned the room for my dress.There was no way I was going to steal clothes from a fucking famous actor, I’d definitely get sued for that at some point. I found my bra hung on the back of a chair, then my underwear caught on the foot of the bed. My dress? Nowhere to be seen.

I managed to reach over and grab my lace panties. Putting them on was a bit of a challenge because I didn't want to expose myself in case Tom woke up, and I didn't want to move around too much and cause him to wake up. However, lying on my back, curling my legs, and sliding the fabric back on gave me a small flashback to when he was doing quite the opposite. He definitely knew what to do with his hands… and his mouth… My chest fluttered, but I quickly shook it off. I was in the process of leaving.

But I was sidetracked either way.

“Hey,” Tom sleepily mumbled, much to my disdain.

My hands immediately went to the blanket covering my chest and I looked at him. I was unnecessarily starstruck at the way he looked. His hair was ruffled and messy, and his neck was speckled with hickies I barely remembered leaving. His arms and shoulders looked so delicious, I found myself loathing that I was so hammered that I couldn't remember what it was like to touch him.

I pushed all of this aside. “Don't worry, I'm about to leave.”

Tom sat up on his elbow, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his other hand. “What for?”

In my experience of hook ups, the person I slept with normally just rolled over and ignored me when I was making my exit. Needless to say, I was thrown off by his words. He didn't want me to stay, did he?

“Um, I'm just… there's nothing else for us to do here, right?” I asked in response.

“There could be some things to do.” He smiled. “Come on, it doesn't have to end now. I had a good time with you.”

Another guy who just wants my body. No thanks. One night is enough, even if it was Tom.

I shook my head. “I should just go.”

“Okay,” he said after a pause.

It was so much easier when I was blackout drunk. Not that he wasn't attractive now, but Tom seemed a lot more seductive and alluring when I was grinding up on him at the after party. Or maybe I was just hungover and in shock that it was him I scored.

“Could you, um, not look at me?” I sheepishly asked.

Tom chuckled and dove under the covers.

Quickly, I hopped out of bed and grabbed my bra. Once I had it on, I looked around for my dress. I kept glancing at the bed, making sure Tom wasn't making eyes at me.

I groaned. “Do you have any idea where my dress went? You can look, I guess.”

He sat up, looking around at the room. It seemed like he was actively trying not to stare at me. “Have you checked the bathroom?”

Why would it be in the bathroom? I looked in there anyway and low and behold…

My pale pink dress had a mysterious red stain on the front. Great, my walk of shame was going to be even more shameful. I came out of the bathroom, looking down at the gross stain. I barely even looked at Tom, even though he was looking right at me, as I walked over to grab my shoes, phone and clutch bag.

“Okay, well,” I said dismissively, “this is where we part ways. It was good to meet you and whatnot.”

“Actually,” he spoke up as he got out from under the covers. Thankfully, he had his boxers on. “Is there any chance I could see you again? You just… you seem really cool, and I want to get to know you.”

I hesitated, but I also refrained from rolling my eyes. “I've heard it all before. You say you want to get to know me, but you really just wanna see if you can hit it again, and you'll give up when you don't. Then you'll go back to England and we'll forget about each other.” And when I watch his movie on DVD with my friends, I'll throw in a joke about sleeping with Tom Holland and my friends will laugh because that doesn't happen in real life.

He let out a soft laugh, amused by my cynicism. “Or, we could go to dinner, maybe - i-if you want - and we can have a good time that doesn't involve getting naked. What do you think?”

Another thing I've heard before. Sure, he was a celebrity and I would probably never get a moment like this again, but he was also a guy. He was a young guy, and I probably wasn't the first one night stand he's had. Why would he get attached this quickly?

Thankfully, my phone rang in my hand, giving me the chance to indirectly reject him. “I have to take this. I have to go.”

ii.

Do you believe in signs of fate? Do you believe that if someone comes back into your life that they're meant to stay in it? I sure as hell fucking don't, but I did come pretty close.

It wasn't that long after I had left Tom in his hotel room did I see him again. Obviously, I didn't expect us to still be in the same fucking city, much less the same country. I expected him to be completely taken over by premieres and interviews and plenty of other busy things, that was the realistic thought. That's what happens in real life, not… seeing him with his friend at the Starbucks by my apartment.

This wasn't the first time I saw an old flame (if that's what we're calling him), but every time was just as nerve-wracking as the last. Again, I didn't think he would still be in the country, so I was pretty thrown off when I saw him sat at one of the high tables wearing a baseball cap for a “disguise.”

My plan was to just act like I didn't see him and carry on with my day. But, with my luck, he saw me first.

Next thing I knew, it was Friday night, and I was getting ready for a date. With Tom. How did I end up here? Sure, I was sober this time around, but I couldn’t really pinpoint the moment where he reeled me in and convinced me into going to dinner with him. He told me to “look smart,” but I didn’t really want to pull out my nicest clothing for him. Wasn’t sure if he was worth it just yet. Heels, mediocre perfume, and a black dress from my dirty clothes pile worked for now.

Of course, he had to come pick me up and wait outside the car. He looked pretty decent in a black button up and dress pants. Oh yeah, he’s hot as hell. That’s why I was doing this.

“You look really good,” he told me, already sounding flustered.

I smiled. “Thanks. You too.”

He opened the passenger door for me, and I had to resist rolling my eyes. I had a cheesy night ahead if things worked out. While I was still on the fence about this whole thing, there was a part of me that hoped this would work out. So far, Tom was proving to be a decent guy.

The restaurant he took me to was quite flashy and expensive looking, but it was also dark and private. I felt way too poor and filthy to even be near this place. I couldn't even believe I was here, how would I be able to recount this whole thing to my friends? How could I tell this to anybody?

We were seated and served some fancy ass red wine, which I would absolutely need if I wanted to get somewhere with this guy. I drained my first glass quickly before the conversation could start.

“So, what have you been up to?” he prompted.

Slept with more people, but that’s boring, I thought.

“Not much,” I replied. “Work, class… a mundane life.” Way to sound interesting.

“University? What are you studying?”

Telling people information about me wasn't exactly my cup of tea, especially if it was people that weren't going to stick around. Not that Tom would do that… or would he? It was hard to tell.

“Business,” I said, giving in. “I'm close to getting my degree, but I'm not sure what else to do once I graduate.”

“And where do you work?”

How do I explain my job without giving too much away?

“It's just some graphic design thing at this one company,” I explained, then changing the subject. “That's how I got invited to the premiere.”

Tom nodded. We could both tell how boring I sounded.

“What about you? What do you, besides the acting thing?” I asked.

He thought about it. When the pause got to be too long, he chuckled. “This has, uh, been my whole life for a couple of years now. I haven't really done anything else.”

“How old are you again?”

“Twenty one.”

Great. Younger than me, and far more successful. I needed more wine.

“Can I be honest with you?” he asked.

I nodded as I poured myself another glass.

“I really don’t like fancy restaurants.”

If I had been drinking the wine, I probably would have choked on it. “So why are we here, then?”

He shrugged timidly. “Wanted to impress you.”

Shit, that was endearing… and cheesy as fuck. I couldn’t help but grin as I placed my hand on the table and reached for his.

“It doesn’t take a lot to impress me, honey.”

“Would you rather go for a pizza, then?”

“Hell yeah.”

~

The more time I spent with Tom, which wasn’t really a lot, the more attached I got. Yes, even when you spend little time with someone, you can really develop a lot of feelings. I didn’t even know I was still capable of wanting someone for something other than sex.

After our first date, I invited him back up to my apartment for that very reason, except we ended up having “that talk.” We spoke of everything and nothing. From childhood, to trauma, to which bar of Twix we eat first. I hadn’t connected with someone so well in a long time, so when he had to leave the next day, I figured it was too good to be true.

“I’ll go back there after I finish filming,” he told me over the phone. Little did he know, he was on speaker, and I had my best friend sat next to me, overhearing us. “I really do want to see you again.”

“Okay,” I replied, unable to keep down my goofy grin. “I’ll be waiting.”

When we hung up, I turned to my friend, who was utterly surprised. As I had guessed, she didn’t believe me when I first told her who I slept with at the Spider-Man premiere. This was the only way I could get her to believe me.

“But you’re never gonna talk to him again, are you?” she assumed after her stunned silence.

I was about to retaliate, but then I hesitated. “If he does come back, then I’ll probably meet up with him.”

“He said he will come back, though.”

“Yeah, but he’s also always busy in that life of his. I’m surprised I saw him twice in the same week.”

“Well… if you don’t date him, I fucking will.”

I giggled and sat back on the couch. “I don’t remember the last time I actually dated someone. Then, he comes along. Of all people.”

It was actually daunting. Tying myself down to one person, that is, if this thing with Tom works out. A week ago, I had my mind set on forgetting about him, and keeping our late night rendezvous a secret. This thing of going on a date with him and seeing him again in a couple of weeks wasn’t apart of the plan. But strangely, I was okay with it.

~

The weeks went on, and Tom was spending more and more time with me. He would fly to another city or country for some important famous person thing, but as soon as he was free, he would come back to my place. I no longer could count the hours we spent together on one hand. We made sure to stay within the safe, quiet walls of my apartment, because he was constantly tailed by paparazzi. Every moment we had was private and as sappy as you could imagine. Late nights between the sheets, lazy afternoons on the couch… it was perfect.

I shouldn’t feel suffocated, right? I spent enough time away from Tom that I still felt like my own person, and I wasn’t completely dependent on him. I liked that aspect. But every time he came back I was just as… put off. Why wasn’t he tired of me yet? Why did he keep coming back? Why did I keep putting up with it?

“But are you happy?” asked my friend when I expressed this to her.

“Yeah,” I said a little too casually. “I wanna keep him around. Maybe he’s just a little needy and I’m not used to that.”

That night when he landed in the city (probably the third or fourth time since we started dating), I couldn’t find it in me to be excited. I was setting myself up for disappointment. One downside of dating him was that I was not allowed to be seen with him in public. Tom’s publicist/marketing team made it clear that he was supposed to look either single or involved with one of his co-stars to the public. I wasn’t really that bothered by it; I didn’t exactly want people in my life to know who I was involved with. My coworkers and some members of my family knew I wasn’t the type to keep someone around for longer than one night, so imagine their response to me being in a steady relationship. And not only that, being in a steady relationship with a wildly famous heartthrob. Nope, this was better left under wraps.

But, there were times where Tom had to avoid coming to my apartment at all because he couldn’t lose the paparazzi van following him. I guess if he was seen with me, he had a lot to lose. Again, I wasn’t as bothered as I should have been. Like tonight. I watched Netflix by myself and called it a night.

He sent an apology text, and I replied with a peace sign emoji.

~

The next time we saw each other, I was a mess. Things had sort of spiraled in the time Tom and I had been apart, and now he was here to pick up the pieces. My pieces.

“I’m sure you can find another job,” he told me.

“But I don’t want another job!” I snapped, trying not to burst into tears. I hunched over, burying my face in my hands. “I spent so much time there, I gave them everything and they had the fucking nerve to let me go like that… Why does this happen?”

Tom just rubbed my back, speechless. How lucky of him, not having to deal with things like this. He never had to worry about living ever again. He never had to worry about things like losing his house or possessions. None of this was his fault, but I couldn’t help but hate him and his soothing touch.

I got up from the couch and paced around the living room. How long more did I have in this place? How was I going to make it?

“I think I have like, one month left here,” I said, trying to catch my breath. The panic was starting to kick in. “I have enough for rent while I find another place to live… m-maybe my cousin in Idaho will let me stay with her… but planes cost money too… fuck, okay. Maybe if I move out this week and if I get my deposit back… if I quit school - oh god, I have to quit school - then maybe I can go live with her…”

“You’re not doing any of that,” Tom quickly interjected. He stood up and stopped my pacing by putting his hands on my shoulders. “I’ll cover your rent until you find another job. Okay?”

And that’s what I get for opening my mouth.

“No,” I told him. “You can’t-”

“Yes, I can,” he said firmly. “I can, and I will. I’ll do it right now.”

“Oh my god, stop. You don’t have to-”

“I want to.” His hands went to the sides of my face. “You obviously have a lot you don’t want to let go of here. Let me help you. I don’t want you to suffer like this.”

Be independent. Yes, you just lost your job and that could mean that everything will go down the drain, but you have to be independent. Don’t rely on a man.

“I’ll find another job as fast as I can,” I told him. “Just this month, okay? I have to start applying right now, though.”

He stopped me before I could get panicky again. “It’s fine, love. Really, I don’t mind doing this.” He smiled and kissed my forehead before pulling me into a hug. “You’ll be okay.”

~

Another month and a half went by before I saw him in person again. It was deep in the summer now, which meant that nobody wanted to hire anybody. It was taking a deeper toll on me than I liked to admit. That was kind of why I didn’t want Tom to cover any of my expenses; I was getting complacent.

But it was just rent for now. I was stubborn when it came to our rare dates. I couldn’t let him pay for anything else, so we had to stick with staying confined in my apartment. Thankfully, we had plenty to do between the sheets. But that was it, though.

“I have an idea,” he prompted in the middle of the night.

I hummed, mildly disturbed by his clear voice. Really wanted things to be quiet right now. Lately, it seemed like he talked a lot.

“I’m going back to Atlanta really soon to film the next movie,” he went on, sitting up on his elbow. “What if you come with me?”

I didn’t say anything at first. I could barely process what he was saying. Sure, he made me feel like I was on cloud nine just a few minutes ago, but I wasn’t that high off the feeling. In fact, I felt like I just crash landed back to earth.

“Why?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Why not? Hey, maybe one of the producers could get you a job on set.”

Any sane person would probably jump at the chance. I, on the other hand, was just fighting the urge to get away from Tom right this second.

“Won’t that be risky, though? There would be a lot of people seeing us together, and I’m looking for a job that doesn’t require travel,” I said.

“It doesn’t have to be a permanent job. And… we can act like we don’t know each other or something. We can figure something out,” he insisted. “Come on, what do you think?”

I shrugged.

“What does that mean? What are you thinking?”

“It’s a big decision. Let’s say I do go with you, am I supposed to just wait around for you the whole time?” I wasn’t sure why I was getting defensive. “I mean, I preferred us being apart. I liked having my own life.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

~

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

“Have you found a job yet?”

“Still looking.”

“I miss you.”

“Same.”

iii.

It felt like we had been trapped in my apartment for days, just silently arguing. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know how to make anything better. All I could think was that I should have just left it as a one night stand.

“Answer me,” he said in an almost helpless tone. “You’ve gotta give me something.”

Tom took a step towards me, to which I only stepped back in response. He sighed and began pacing around the living room. My body language was one of the many things about me that irritated him these days.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I finally told him.

“Anything. I just need to know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to come with me to Atlanta, is that it?”

God, not this again. We already had that fight, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it. We were already distant, why make it any worse by letting him go on his own to film his next big movie? At the same time, the idea of sharing a space with him and leaving my current location for months on end didn’t sound ideal, either. It could spark an idea in his head to permanently live together, which I was not ready for. I was surprised we still had this thing going on. I just didn’t know how to say any of that out loud without getting emotional about it. Emotions weren’t apart of the plan.

“Say something!” Tom raised his voice.

“I don’t know!” I replied in a similar tone. “I don’t know, okay? I just… I have never seen myself living with a, or my…”

“Boyfriend? You can’t even call me your boyfriend…” he said in disbelief. “Okay, fine. I'm not saying we have to live together after. I can go back to Atlanta, and you’ll stay here, far away from me. Then I’ll come back, and we’ll build everything from the ground up again. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

These questions were suffocating. I just wanted to curl up or run away. My mind was just foggy and full of static. This was overwhelming.

“No,” I told him. “I don’t want us to be apart.”

“Well, you have a shit way of showing it.”

There was a tense pause as those words sank in. My stomach was slowly dropping to my feet. I could feel myself turning into a shell.

“It’s almost like you want to break up with me,” Tom went on. “You don’t like it when I do… anything, really. You don’t want me to hold your hand, you don’t want me to kiss you. You don’t even wanna look at me. Did I do something wrong?”

No. Far from it, actually. That’s why this is so foreign to me.

I shook my head.

“Then what is it? You can’t keep leaving me in the dark like this. I, I’ve done so much for you. I extended my stay here for you. I paid your rent when you were out of a job. I got you a new one that you turned down, I’ve left my friends for you-”

“I never asked you to do any of that,” I snapped. “I’m not the one who wanted to continue seeing each other after that first night, remember? It’s not my fault your friends hate you now because you ditched them for some random girl, that’s all on you. And I never asked you for any financial help and I never asked you to get me another job. I don’t want to be ‘taken care of’ by you or your money or your connections. I don’t want to be dependent on you like that.”

“You don’t get it, do you? I want to support you, I don’t want you to worry about things like rent and university tuition. If you go with me to Atlanta, then you can get a job or something so you can be more independent and so you're not just waiting around for me. If that’s what you want, I mean. And you can go with me to whatever premiere or interview or shoot I’ve got going on. I want you there, I want these things for us.”

That meant he saw a future with me. I was so baffled and almost repulsed. It only made me want to run even more. Why did he want a future with me? What about me made that seem appealing to him? I didn’t understand.

“I’ve scared you even more, haven’t I?” he guessed when I didn’t say anything. And he claimed he didn’t know a single thing about me. “Well, darling, it’s been, how many months now? Don’t you ever wonder where we’re going? Don’t you think about the future?”

“I don’t like to,” I admitted.

Now Tom was rendered speechless. I didn’t necessarily mean it in the way he probably thought, but there was no turning back now. We were already in pain, and he was already angry at me.

“How are you so sure that I’m in your future?” I asked him. “How do you know we’ll stay together?”

“I just had a feeling,” he replied softly. “I know it’s scary, but you can’t think negatively about it.”

Well, there go our chances.

“You’ll be so far away,” I said, wanting to be realistic. “And we did all of this long distance crap already, and it was a mess… for you. And no good thing ever lasts, anyway. We could try it, sure, but who’s to say it’s gonna be better or easier this time around?”

“No one ever said it was going to be easy!” Tom said, clearly hurt. “And no good thing ever lasts? How… how do you live, thinking like that? I knew you weren’t a fucking ray of sunshine, but I didn’t think you would see us that way. If that’s what you’re thinking, then what the fuck are we doing here?”

I didn’t have anything to say to that. It was obvious that there was only one thing left to do, yet I still found myself hesitating, just in case he wanted to do the honors.

~

I woke up in a stranger’s bed a few days after he left. I wanted everything to be as if those months had never happened. He never came into my life, he never changed my life, he never made me feel anything. It just never happened. Tom was just a myth, and him being so far away only validated that in my head.

Standard daily procedure. Got out of bed, got dressed, and snuck out before my one night stand could even remember what they got down to last night. The dull ache that had been persisting in my chest mixed with the hangover. I just pretended that I was having some sort of diffused heart attack.

When I got home, I threw up in the bathroom. I blamed it on the hangover. Afterwards, I grabbed a bottle of whatever was in the fridge and let myself slip away.

It was hard to avoid seeing his face online. That, and knowing that he would probably be lurking, was my reason to delete all my social media. It’s not like I was a savvy Internet person, anyway. I was nothing important. I was just a random girl he hooked up with, I could only hope he would see me like that.

I didn’t want to think about him moping around once he got back to filming. I’d much rather think about him doing what I would do: sink himself into whatever he’s got going on to ease the pain and fill the emptiness. Then again, I could barely stand the thought of him hurting because of me. I was stuck.

There were still traces of him in my apartment. The couch I now lied on to drink away the sorrows was the same couch we spent a lot of our time on. My bed sheets still smelled like him, and as much as I hated it, I couldn’t bring myself to wash them. I wanted to get rid of all of it, but I also found myself clinging to every trace of him I found here.

One of my friends had to talk me out of selling my apartment and moving states. Another friend had to talk me out of getting a dramatic haircut. No one was there to talk me out of partying the pain away. Why would I do all of this because of one guy? Everything we had in the last few months was my fault. Why was I going to do stupid stuff if I was the one who said yes in the first place?

At least I got what I originally wanted: we were far away from each other, and he was going to forget about me in due time.

iv.

It took a lot of time for the pair to figure it out. It's important to know that there is no way they will get back together. Maybe they'll cross paths again, but there's no way to tell for sure. Maybe you only get that lucky once.

When Tom figured things out for himself, he was angry. He could say that he hated her for a while after things ended. But before that, he was wondering where he went wrong. Weren't you supposed to love and support your partner in their time of need? She did lose her job at the time, and it really hurt her. Tom supposed he couldn't blame her for the attitude she took on after. But he was trying to help her, cover some expenses, fly down and see her as often as he could. He just wanted things in their little world to be the least stressful as possible, for both of them.

He just wanted her to be happy, but according to her, that wasn't enough. Or, that's what it looked like at least. It's not like she ever talked about what was on her mind. She was just so closed off, and Tom didn't know why. Maybe someone hurt her in the past, maybe something made her this way. Maybe she was just an asshole with no feelings.

Despite that, Tom still cared for her. He still wanted to be there for her. The rare times she broke down a piece of her wall made everything worth it. Tom thought maybe he would be the one to break her walls entirely. It would take a lot of time, but he was willing to take it.

She wasn't having any of it. At times she would plainly turn him down just because she didn't want to get out of bed that day, making Tom fly to Los Angeles for nothing. Well, he could have gone to see his other friends, but she was the priority, and by that point, his friends weren't speaking to him.

Yeah, Tom sacrificed a lot for her, and she didn't seem to care. He was a fucking idiot for not seeing the break up coming. Things weren't ideal, but they had plenty of time to work on things. She didn't think of it like that, so she left.

Throughout time, he's tried to forgive her, he really has. She probably had some underlying problems that were too painful to talk about. You don't always know what's going on in someone's life, even if you're dating them.

Then, Tom learned that forgiveness is bullshit. Why shouldn't he be angry at her and at himself? Why shouldn't he be hurt by the way she treated him? He knew he deserved better than that! He knew he could find someone who would give what he gave back!

Nowadays, Tom is glad to be free of her, and he wondered why he didn't leave it at the night they met.

As for her, she would agree. Should have left things after the first night. Then she wouldn't have caused him so much pain.

She wasn't sure why she lashed out at nice people, it was a work in progress. There's a voice in her head telling her that these nice people are actually liars and that there's always a catch. That voice was easier to listen to.

Sometimes you just think so lowly of yourself that you can't accept that someone can love or care about you. So you just make them hate you.

Tom made that difficult, which later made her realize how kind and genuine he actually was. He always told her that he could wait, and he was way too understanding and accepting of her stupid self destructive ways. He even paid her rent, something she would never ask of him.

She knew she didn't deserve his kindness. She hardly did a thing for him, and part of that was because she couldn't. She wasn't as privileged as he was, and that was probably something that she didn't like about him.

Sometimes, you're just afraid of commitment, so you try not to get too attached to the other person, and as a result you end up being cold and distant.

Why not break up if you don't want to commit? Well, it's one foot in and one foot out with this girl. She didn't hate Tom, she didn't want to not be with him. She just couldn't join in with what Tom wanted for them. She couldn't think about the plans she had the next day, let alone where she would be a year from now. It was just a tad overwhelming and suffocating.

Therapy is hard. She's had to face her own flaws and try to do something about them. She's starting to realize that maybe hurting other people to keep them away isn't the healthiest thing. She's trying to figure out why she does those things.

The only thing is, even when she's resolved all this bullshit, it's not gonna change what happened with Tom.