#ooc: ehehehehehe

[ghostsandmirrors]

The already faltering grip that he'd had on his reactions slipped just a little more at the careful agreement. A small, silent, jerky sob escaped him before he forced it all back down, because weapons don't weep, and just stayed still, stayed with his face pressed against Steve as if he were trying to find safety and comfort in the crook of his neck and the collar of his shirt, as if nothing but this feeling could repair the hairline fractures in the dam.

In truth, the consideration and the fact that Steve's agreement was so careful made it worse, made it harder to plug the holes. He'd thought about it and come to the same conclusion, and it wasn't enough to find another bottom to tear out of that pit but it was enough to hurt. It was enough to start at the beginning of the spiral again, or maybe it was the middle, or maybe it was a new spiral altogether that could go lower and lower and lower until the way out was a distant memory, until escape was a fantastical dream, a held out hope with no evidence of reality.

That spiral suddenly seemed very cold and very quiet, with the buzzing of decades old electricity and the thuds of heavy, booted footsteps being so clear.

Later, it would probably be freeing, the idea that he wasn't truly tied to those memories, to that legacy. It'd be no big deal when he didn't feel like a walking deception, an act put on to lower Steve's defenses like he was still trying to complete his mission and had just found a more effective way to manage it. It'd be a memory he'd like to forget, because showing Steve any of this almost felt like he was hinting at horrors that Steve didn't need to have plaguing him, inviting him to lose sleep over things that Steve had never been able to stop, that he would never be able to blame Steve for.

Later, he would pretend it hadn't happened, because he'd had practice; because pretending everything was fine was far easier than acknowledging that it wasn't; because he'd never wanted Steve to worry about him.

Because weapons didn't weep and assets didn't need kindness or comfort. Weapons didn't weep, and assets didn't want, and he was fighting so hard not to do either that he couldn't also fight the hissed thoughts that he could never be brave enough, could never be good enough, could never be enough, and here was the proof; even Steve agreed.

Later, he'd be able to argue against those thoughts, and everything else that Steve had said would feel neutral. It may even all make sense, when he next remembered it while laying awake, staring up at the ceiling with stinging eyes and cotton wool replacing his brain, too tired to even consider trying to silence the whispers in his head for long enough to sleep. It wouldn't feel like it did now; like Steve had given up on getting his Bucky back and was settling for the monster who'd killed him and taken his place, the imposter in his arms.

"Y'deserve him."

His voice was quiet, broken, shattered into a million cracked pieces, and muffled against him, as if saying these words into Steve's shirt or skin or his own tears would make them easier to hear. "How-…" He cut himself off, suddenly uncertain. He hadn't been able to say what he'd wanted to before, that he wanted to be his Bucky--because assets didn't want things--and this question could sound too much like a desperate, last-ditch attempt at being good enough for redemption, because his Bucky had been good enough, at least for Steve. Maybe it was. Maybe he thought it was, in that moment, in that spiral, unable to find the way out.

"How do I be him? "

Some part of him realized, far too late, that it wasn't fair to ask. It wasn't fair to ask how he could pretend to be the bait Steve had been lured in with, how he could drag his Bucky back from where he'd been dumped and left to die slowly, painfully, by agents who were 'just doing their jobs' so that he could copy him. That part of him snapped, and he was sure he heard it break in the moment before whatever part of him were still in tact crumbled so completely that all he could do was cling, holding on like he was afraid of what could happen if he didn't.

"M'sorry." It was all he could say between the silent sobs that tore at his throat like they were trying to escape, trying to open him up, trying to rip a big enough hole in him to reveal that emptiness, the hollowness of that cavernous ribcage, shine light on the ravenous depths, make Steve aware of what he was holding.

"M'sorry." His right hand hurt from the grip on Steve's shirt, clenched too tightly while he tried to stop his entire being from collapsing in on itself, trying to stop his physical being from buckling and becoming a pile of… whoever he was, because at this point he wasn't sure he could recognize any of the piece, wasn't sure he could fit them back in the right places.

"M'sorry." The pain in his throat from trying to stay silent had turned his apologies into a whimpered whisper, a too-quiet plead to not be abandoned in these ruins. "M'sorry." A beg from a ghost to not be left at the bottom of those depths, to at least have his body returned for Steve to properly mourn. "M'sorry."

I'm not him.

That whole sentence shattered Steve to his core. It left him feeling vulnerable and weak in his heart. He wasn't him. He wasn't the boy he grew up with. He wasn't the man that saved him numerous times. He didn't see the same person when he looked in the mirror as Steve did. He didn't see Bucky Barnes, Bucky didn't see the amazing person that he was. He saw the weapon, didn't he? He saw all the chaos and everything that he was forced to reckon.

Steve paused considering the situation. It wouldn't be right to agree and tell him it was Steve's fault that he was changed. That everything would have been the same if Steve would have looked. He could have had the best care given to Bucky and he could have been a disabled veteran home safe. He could have been resting and recovering while Steve fought the frontlines. But Bucky wouldn't have wanted that. Would he? He would have wanted to be by Steve's side just like Steve wanted to fight in the 107th the minute Bucky was drafted.

"You're not him." He agreed, understanding to some degree and bringing his hand to rest on Bucky's cheek that he could see exposed. That wasn't hiding in his shirt threatening to burrow deep inside.

"You're you. You've been changed by the events but they don't define you. You have the chance to remake yourself and be what you think you are now. Not what they made you. Not what I knew before. You can be a whole new person but the first step? Is coming out of the shade and telling me you're not afraid."

He wasn't even sure what he was doing now. He felt like he was grabbing at straws. "I deserve you. Because I deserve to be with someone that thinks I deserve more and would fight for me to have the best that I could possibly have even if they think it isn't them. Especially if they think it isn't them."

[lumenflowered]

I am watching your next two gyms very closely, Maria. This will be very interesting to see. :)

That isn't concerning in the slightest.

[xluciifer]

About to fuck around and make a nice little list of those who actually like and interact with my posts ( ic or ooc ).

[devouring-hive]

Ohhh my god someone in this class I’m in started going off about how ‘awesome’ Reddit is and I just fuckING DIED

[neverburied]

hoping to try & get a thread tracker going bc I am so very behind on every blog but I have so few drafts. the balance is wrong.

I just also haven’t been very active & I want to be ! I miss writing. my birthday is this weekend ! same day tik tok gets banned. that’s exciting. I’ll be 29 ✨

anyway. may do a starter call later but we’ll see how I’m feeling.

[red-eclipse]

I kinda wanted to show off some aus i have made in the past. If yall know me from like 8 yrs ago, you might recognize these .v.

first, someone that i wanted to turn into a muse... riiiight before i left rp tumblr. This is umbra, and the whole idea was like... jessica rabbit and roger rabbit but sonadow, lmfao. I'll never stop loving these two

lil weremobian 'study' cus im a sucker for fantasy biology

Ren <3 a sweet older shadow who honored his beloved Maria by dressing up in fancy clothes and enjoying fashion, the same way they played dressup when they were little (yes, thats a pink lantern shadow)

Very very canon divergent lol he's a total softy and really mellowed out after canon incidents

Clone..

and, well

moving on <:

[dearvillian]

NEW MUSES :D

ISMELDA ' IZZY ' LOPEZ. ( maia reficco ): cartel leader's daughter. twitch streamer.

MAUREEN GOLDFIELD. ( emilija baranac ): hogwarts legacy OC. hufflepuff seventh year.

[acidbodywoman]

this is who we r btw in case you were wondering

[pixelgamer07]

//the moment I get home yall better believe I'm gonna have this blastin while I boop ever blog I see.

[shilohgreen]

WHAT KIND OF CANNIBALISM ARE YOU?

ROMANTIC CANNIBALISM. eating others as a metaphor for love, desire, and devotion. a love that is so strong it is destructive. you are a desperate person. you believe in love at first sight. you believe in soul mates. you believed in magic until you were probably a bit too old. you tend to be obsessive. you long for connection, and although you have friends, you feel that none of them truly understand you. you wish to devote yourself to another person, as you feel you are not enough in yourself.

tagged by: @beyondthescully (and stolen from @talentforlying) tagging: @nefariuus (for jin!!) @pumpkinstabs @manufactoredxbyxdesign @insidi0sum

[miyos-multiverse-express]

... I'm gonna go to bed and deal with whatever's happening with the door tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll even be lucky and whatever's going on with it will have stopped by then.

[wellfell]

i genuinely don't care when you reply , i'm patient and can wait . but if you don't reply to four things i wrote for you and you keep sending me memes continuously i won't write them . sorry . 💕

[sanctamater]

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

[shackld]

but also,,,

finally got it :)))

[ofspvrta]

Ehehehehehe

[kinships]

==

SORRY DDOING HSR STORY