#only just realized when i looked at myself in the mirror and went ‘oh sHIT’

[inkykeiji]

me going to dinner with my boyfriend’s parents with my hair high UP completely forgetting that he gave me two massive hickeys on my neck plus a hickey on my ear :) love it :)

[ccsainzleclerc5516]

Just you and me

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Reader (y/n)

Warnings: smut!!, fluff, a little bit of everything

Background: You, Carlos and Charles are at a Ferrari event. You came with your longtime best friend Carlos, and Charles brought with him the girl he's currently seeing, even though he's not really interested in anyone else but you. You and Charles have liked each other ever since you met, but you've never gotten into anything serious. You were always seeing other people on the side and that was fine for both of you until you realized that you fell for him.

Y/n's pov

"Y/n? What are you doing here?" Carlos asks kneeling down in front of me. "Hey, are you okay?" He asks again noticing another tear roll down my face.

I honestly don't want to talk to him right now. I don't wanna talk to anybody. I feel pathetic because I'm letting myself feel this way again over a guy. It's humiliating. But it's not Charles' fault. It's no one's fault but mine. I should be in control of my own feelings but here I am yet again letting my mood depend on others. It seems that the more you resist certain things, the more they hurt.

"Look at me." Carlos says lifting up my chin making me look at him but I quickly look away.

"I'd really appreciate if you could leave me be with myself right now."

"I will if you tell me who made you cry?" He takes off his blazer and wraps it around me.

"I made myself cry." I sob putting my palms over my face. I can't wait to look myself in the mirror and see black mascara all over my face. Luckily the amount of alcohol in my system tells me to not give a shit about it.

"Why you two do this to each other, I'll never understand." He sighs.

"He went home with her?" I dare to ask even though I'm not sure if I want to hear the answer.

"She wasn't feeling well so he took her home, but-"

"There you are, fuck I'm looking-"

Charles. He took her home, but he'll be back. Feeling of relief and feeling of anger are fighting inside of me when I see him.

Without saying a word, Carlos stands up and leaves us alone on the terrace. I immediately stand up and head after Carlos not wanting to look at Charles, but before I can leave he tightly grabs my wrist and pulls me to him.

"Let go." I say through my teeth.

"No." He says coldly not breaking the eye contact. "What's wrong? Are you crying because I left with her?"

I laugh at his question. How dares he? "Crying because of you? You're not worthy of that, Charles." I obviously lie yanking my wrist out of his grip.

"See I don't think you're telling the truth." He takes a step closer to me leaving a small gap between us. "I know that just the thought of me being close to her or touching her.." Oh my God my heart literally aches picturing them in my head.

"Stop.." I whisper quietly squinting my eyes desperately wanting to erase it from my mind.

"It makes your blood boil." He says looking down at me. "And I wouldn't want it any other way."

"What?"

"C'mon," He takes a strand of my hair and puts it behind my ear. "We both know we can't stop thinking about each other. Whose blazer is on you?"

"It's Carlos'." Right as the words leave my mouth, he takes it off of me making it fall to the ground and the cold breeze hits my skin.

"Come with me." He takes my hand again, but I stop him.

"No, Charles, I don't wanna go with you." I lie, but he ignores me. "I'll scream, I swear-"

"Go ahead, scream. The press is just waiting for some interesting shit to happen. I'm sure you'll make the headlines tomorrow morning." He cuts me off and I have nothing to say back at him.

I follow him out of the terrace through the long corridor to the elevator. The elevator takes us up to the top floor of the hotel. We get out and Charles pulls a card out of his pocket unlocking the door of the hotel suite.

As we step inside, Charles takes off his blazer throwing it onto the bed and I go straight to the huge glass wall that has an exit to the balcony. The only light in the room was the one that came from the outside and I didn't mind. I cross my arms looking at the city lights outside not knowing what to do nor how to act. I'm so tired, emotionally tired. I don't have the energy to argue, to scream, I don't even have the energy to fight back or try to prove my point over anything anymore. I am tired of feeling this way.

I feel his arms on my waist as he appears behind me. He places a soft kiss on my shoulder and then on my neck making me close my eyes and lean my head on the opposite side so that now he has a full access to it.

I let out a small whimper as his left hand travels from my waist to the front side of my neck gently gripping it his rings leaving cold traces on my skin.

"Fuck, y/n.." He breathes out. "I want you so bad, you don't even realize." As he says that he presses himself against me and I can feel how hard he already is.

He spins me around and crashes his lips on mine and in that moment I completely give in. I forget what I was mad at him about. I decide not to overthink this, I just want to surrender to this moment and honestly I don't want it to ever end. Even if I wanted to resist this I couldn't. I want him more than anything and I want him to make me his even though in my mind I've been his from the first day we met.

He deepens our kiss as his tongue swipes lightly over mine. His hand finds its way over my thigh to my panties passing with his fingers over the thin damp fabric. He pulls them to the side with his two fingers and slowly starts rubbing my clit in circles as I lean my head in the crook of his neck.

"You're dripping, fuck..Look at me." He whispers and lifts up my chin with his other hand making me look him in the eyes. "You're so wet for me baby. Tell me, tell me what do you want me to do?"

"Charles..." I don't feel confident enough to say profanities back to him, but hearing him talking that way was music to my ears.

"Tell me what you want baby. I want to hear you. Do you want me to finger you?" He asks and I nod digging my nails into his skin.

"Finger me, please." my mouth fall open unable to say anything as his fingers hastily start going in and out of me.

"I really wanted to be gentle with you tonight, but you're making it too difficult for me." I moan at his words and at the loss of touch as he pulls his fingers out of me just to push them back inside. "Open your mouth." I obediently do as he orders and puts his fingers in my mouth. I suck on them paying special attention to his middle finger without taking my eyes off of his.

"Fuck baby..Look what you're doing to me. I'm so hard for you it fucking hurts." He mutters under his breath stroking his cock through his pants that looked as if they were about to snap open under the pressure. We continue to kiss passionately ripping off the clothes from one another.

"Please baby don't make me beg." He throws his head backwards desperate for my touch.

I start kissing his neck and unbuttoning his pants at the same time. He cups my cheeks as I slowly start pulling his boxers down his legs. My knees hit the floor and I don't waste any time as I put him in my mouth. Charles' moans intensifies when I look him up in the eyes.

"Fuuuuck." The eye contact almost sends him over the edge. It drives him completely crazy. "Baby, I'm gonna cum if you keep looking at me like that." But I want him this way, crazy over me, craving my touch as much as I'm craving his. He pulls my hair into a ponytail and pushes me deeper on his cock hitting the back of my throat. I gag around him making him moan in pleasure and he slowly pushes his cock all the way down my throat again enjoying the view.

"Fuck, I can't hold back anymore. I need to be inside of you. Come here." He breathlessly pulls me up by my elbows and presses me against the glass wall. He lifts up my dress and my right leg with one hand and with the other he pulls my panties aside thrusting himself into me.

"Charles we're at the window. Somebody could see us."

"Good. Then everybody will finally know how much you're mine." I feel warmth in my stomach at his words. God, it feels so good to hear them. "Do you want this?" He asks. I nod whimpering, but the answer doesn't satisfy him. "I need to hear you."

"I want it, I want you." I manage to say.

"Are you close?"

"Yeah, I'm so close Charles" I squeal digging my nails into the skin on his back.

"Me too baby, where do you want it?"

"Inside, cum inside me. Fill me up." The words that I whisper into his ear alone are enough to make his eyes roll and release his cum deep inside me. My legs start to shake and he quickly catches me holding me tightly in his embrace and leaving kisses all over my face.

"From now on it's just you and me okay? No one else, just you and me. No more messing around. I only want you y/n. I always have."

"Just you and me."

[strangemaleswaps]

Strange Beach Bod Swap

"Tyler, hurry up you lameass!"

I quickly ran through the crowded beach to the shallow water where my fraternity brothers were about to take a group picture. I've always hated them but I really can't leave because it'd ruin my reputation. Once you're pledged to a fraternity, you can’t just easily leave and with the way my brothers are, they’d get revenge if I tried. So I'm stuck with a bunch of assholes. I don't even know why I joined in the first place, I should've known I wouldn't fit in.

"Hurry up and take the pic so we can get on with our lives!" One of the brothers yelled.

"All right, all right."

They set up a tripod, one guy placed a phone on it, we all got into position, but a second before it snapped, the guy on my right shoved me into the water.

"Hey!" Upon seeing the photo, everyone laughed their asses off at me flying through the air.

"Ha! We're keeping this one!"

We went to the beach to have some fun but all I felt was misery. While it's true the frat did encourage me to better myself physically, giving me a diet plan and exercise program in order to look my best, it was all for their reputation, not for me. All I have for myself is a pretty sick bod with abs. It's one of the only things I'm proud of.

I walked over to my beach towel, intending to relax the rest of the trip when a fat old guy approached me as I sat down.

"I saw that you know."

"Saw what?" I looked up at him but could barely see his face past the enormous belly and man tits.

"The way they treated you. Sounds like a bunch of assholes."

"Yeah well I'm stuck with them so..." I thought he would walk away after that but instead he stood for a minute.

"I may have something that will help you, if you want?”

“Whatever.”

“Then here lay down." He pointed at my towel. I had no idea what he was talking about but I laid down on my towel, only because I was going to do that in the first place. Maybe he'll go away now. I closed my eyes and started to relax. After a minute I decided he was gone...until I felt someone put their hands on mine.

I got up suddenly, ready to throw punches at this pot-bellied weirdo, who was probably about to violate me, when I realized something was off. I...couldn't. It felt like there was a heavy weight on my chest preventing me from getting up. The man was nowhere to be seen so I looked at my chest to see what was weighing me down, my eyes widening at the sight.

There was no weight on it, I AM the weight! My abs were completely gone and had been replaced with a flabby mass. I could see my nipples rolled to the side facing outward, since they were now attached to a saggy pair of man tits. They were kinda big too, and stuck out way further than my old ones ever did. Without hesitation, I went and touched them. It was wild. I didn't expect my nipples to be so sensitive since they were so far out from the rest of my body, but the sensation was like a surge that went straight to my dick...oh shit my dick! I couldn't even see my own swimsuit anymore! This chubby gut is completely blocking me from seeing my own dick! I tried sitting back up, but couldn't.

I ended up rolling over, feeling the gravity force me onto my stomach, only it didn't feel like I was on my stomach. It felt like I was laying on a marshmallow, while still being able to feel the sand on my torso. I groggily got up on all fours and managed to get onto my feet.

I stood there, still feeling weird. Suddenly, I felt a rush of humiliation and awkwardness. Everyone else looked so thin and full of energy, and I'm just that fat guy on the beach. The kind of guy I was always kinda silently judging. How did this happen though? And where did that old man go? I-oh god. It can’t be?

I rushed to the nearby restroom, feeling my belly and tits flopping around all over, a pretty disgusting sight that felt unsettling. I walked over to the mirror and found my horrors had come true. I AM the fat old guy! I leaned in closer and touched my face all over. I pinched my double chin, wiggling it back and forth. I ran my fingers through my colorless hair and found that most of it was in patches, as the bald spots almost took over completely. I opened my mouth to find all yellowing teeth, with shiny aluminum crowns replacing a few of them. I looked down at my body once again, now being able to see it in the mirror, and played with my tits as I watched them wobble and sag. I did the same with my belly, feeling the jiggle as I shook it up and down.

I can't believe this is actually happening. Is this that guy's way of helping me? Turning me into a different person to escape my fraternity brothers? I may not have liked my life but I did like my body! Suddenly I felt a vibration from my pocket. I reached in to find my own phone...not this old man's. An unknown number was calling me.

"Hello?"

"Hey man!" The voice sounded awfully familiar.

"Who are you?"

"It's me! You! Well, you now! This was my way of helping you!"

Oh god, he not only transformed me, he swapped our bodies entirely! That voice is my voice! He's trying to copy my way of speaking but it sounds all wrong.

"How is this helping me at all? I was a young fit college student. You turned me into a fat old man!"

"You didn't like your fraternity brothers did you? I swapped our bodies so you can escape. Shame that I had to be so ugly though...that hurts."

"Hey, look I'm sorry! But swap me back!"

"Sorry, no can do...at least not right now. I think I can do a much better job at standing up for myself than you ever could. How many more years of college do you have? Two? See you in two years then! Oh, and I'm sure you've noticed already but those nipples are extremely sensitive. I've been pumping them for awhile in order to get a more sensual experience. Maybe you can continue that!" He immediately hung up after he finished his sentence.

I'm sure my frat brothers are still on the beach, but if I try to return to them looking like this, they won't believe it's me! Maybe that guy's right. 2 years doesn't sound so bad actually. I won't have to deal with them anymore and if what he said was true, he could give me a much more assertive reputation for after I graduate!

"I guess that's a deal then." I said, absentmindedly rubbing one of my nipples. God that does feel good though. I headed into the stall and starting jerking. I couldn't see my dick and it was a little hard to reach anyway, but rubbing just one nipple was enough to give me all the pleasure I needed to reach max stiffness. The nipples were so sensitive that I actually stopped jerking entirely to rub both of them with my hands, feeling my man tits jiggle with every rub. I didn't stop getting hard even for a second and was able to cum without my hand even touching my dick! I was never able to reach a nipple orgasm with my old body! I could get used to this...

[v1xyboy9]

4Me 4Me - Matt sturniolo

♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱

♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱

Summary: completely ghosting your ex boyfriend definitely helped you get over him…right ??

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI !!!, use of alcohol, weed, and nicotine, language, tiny bit of smut, switch!matt x Switch!reader, uses of pet names (baby, honey, sweetheart, pretty girl), not proof read, lmk if I missed anything

Word count: 5.8k

You and Matt dated for a year and ended up on bad terms due to your jealous toxic behavior and Matt’s possessiveness. For the first 2 months of the break up yall stayed in contact and still acted like a couple until you got a fucking grip and completely ghosted him on the 3rd month. You started going out a lot more and making new friends even flirted with a couple guys but nothing was truly helping that bit of emptiness that you still felt without Matt.

It’s now been 10 months since you and Matt broke up and 8 months since you’ve completely cut contact. You stopped going out as much you really just focusing on yourself and fixing your bad behaviors making yourself a bit cold and distant with everyone in your life, your friend even calling you “heartless” at one point. And maybe also you know tattoo therapy….

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Tara invited me to her party that’s tonight and of course I said yes, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her or even went to a party period.

Its was currently 8pm and I’m contemplating going now that I’ve been staring at myself in the mirror or a bit to long

“Yeah no I can’t wear a dress”

Everything about it was just unflattering and too feminine I change into some baggy dark wash jeans with one of those black rave star halter tops that literally only covers your boobs and the rest of it is straight up string

I accessories with a black BEBE belt , black and white tie dye beanie, studded cuff bracelets, and to finish off the look some black and white DC shoes. I also make sure to lift my thong a tad bit so you could see it poking out of my waistband

“Okay now I feel better”

I definitely started dressing less fem and more masc over these couple months but honestly it’s a nice change I personally think it’s made my style better

I check the time it’s 8:30pm and my Uber should be here in 5 minutes. I grab my phone, my vape, my penjamin, and my house keys. Lock the door and happily go outside and get in my Uber

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Pulling up to Tara’s party you got a bit of a qweezie feeling in your stomach but just brush it off texting Tara letting her know your here and step out of the car thanking the Uber then head inside.

It was loud and surprisingly dark you try to look around and see if you recognized anyone…..JAKE ! It was always easy to spot him due to his height. You head in the direction of Jake but also looking around to see if you know anyone else, you see Tana in the distance with her bf, Johnnie awkwardly standing next to Sam while he talks to Colby. It was nice to see your friends again you couldn’t lie you missed being out like this.

You finally get to Jake lightly tugging on his jacket for him to notice you, Jake looks down in confusion but breaks into a smile once he sees you

“Y/NNNNN nice to see that you escaped prison” he chuckles and embraces you into a hug

“Please don’t make me seem like a criminal Infront of people that don’t know me” chuckles “but thank you I really have Tara to thank though, speaking of her where is she ?”

“I actually do not know but maybe the bar knowing her”

Chuckles “yeah you’re right”

You turn in the direction of the bar and sure enough you see her tiny self

“God damn y/n how many tattoos did you get within these past couple months, your more covered than me”

You look around confused for a second then realized you never posted about your tattoos when you got them

“Oh shit right dude honestly um I thinkkkk twenty, cause I have 28 in total right now and when we meet I only had 8”

“Your crazy”

“Says you you also have a fuck ton of tattoos”

“Yeah but mine are small patch work you’res is like HUGE”

“If you think any of these are huge then you should see my most recent tattoo it goes down my whole leg”

“Your actually insane now go see Tara cause she has something for you”

He lightly pushes the small of your back in the direction of the bar which you moved heading to where Tara is your anxiety spiking for some reason you take a hit of your vape and continue

Tara sees you coming her way and started squealing in excitement and runs to hug you and you hug her back of course

“Ughhh you don’t know how much I’ve missed you you really went all ghost on everyone for so long” she looks you up and down “like look at these tattoos most of these weren’t here a while go” she chuckles “you look so hot though maybeeee might get a guys number you neverrrr know”

You laugh at her teasing blushing a little bit

“Nono I’m really not here for that I just want to have a good time you know that”

“Hehe okay we’ll take a shot with me pleaseeee”

“Just one”

“Three”

“Two”

“Fine two”

“Give me a chaser bro I am not taking these straight”

Tara laughs handing you her Diet Coke “Go first”

I throw back both of the shots then chug down the coke

“Uhhh fuck I hate alcohol so much”

You Take a hit of your vape and pen

“Smoking is also bad for you, you know”

“Yes but I much rather kill my lungs then my liver thank you very much, also Jake said you have something for me what is it”

“Oh yeah um it’s not a gift or anything but more like someone gave me this to give back to you, open your hand”

You give Tara your hand while she places something in it

“Promise me not to get upset”

“I can’t promise anything Tara but I won’t make a big deal out of it”

“Okay”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

She moves her hand, it’s a ring and bracelet…. Matt’s ring and bracelet that I gave him when we first started dating.

“Well that sucks it’s the one thing I wasn’t expecting coming from him, give it back to him they’re his not mine”

“Give it to him yourself y/n it’s been 8 months”

“Yeah I guess right…”

Tara smiles a little

“Okay well let’s not worry about that now let’s have fun”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Nick pov

“MATT YOURE COMING INSIDE”

“NO IM NOT I BROUGHT YOU AND CHRIS HERE NOW GET OUT”

“I’m tired of your depressed self you never have fun, ever since y/n broke up with you, you’ve been MISERABLE and I’m tired of it, it’s been 8 months officially, tighten the fuck up and get over it”

“Matt you even got ready JUST GO IN you act like we’re gonna see y/n, I tell you all the time that women has CHANGED for the better at that. she doesn’t go out anymore she’s a homebody and on her work grind dude”

“I don’t understand why you still talk to her”

“She didn’t want too for the longest but I made her stay my friend cause I didn’t wanna lose a good friend cause of my brothers possessives and his own problem’s”

“She also had things wrong with her”

“NO SHIT MATTTTTTT SHES THE ONE WHO NOTICED THAT AND DECIDED TO END IT”

“Matt come on dude you’ll be with us the whole time”

“I do not wanna go”

“You are not about to miss ANOTHER Tara yummy party now get your ass out of the car, NICK GRAB HIM”

I hop out of car and open the driver door and pull Matt out the car while Chris pushes him out, Matt is extremely pissed off

“OKAY JUST GET THE FUCK OFF ME”He straightens himself out

“Okay we can go inside yall are so annoying”

“Wait Matt where is your ring and bracelet?”

“I guess I just forgot them”

“You fucking idiot”

I could tell he was lying it’s not hard to tell he always wears them and he was fidgeting with his hands way to much

My phone vibrated in my pocket it was from y/n

“Nick are you at Tara’s party ?”

“About to go in why !?”

“Im coming outside”

“WAIT YOURE HERE ?!?!?”

“Um yeah Tara invited me??”

“Stay inside”

“Now why the fuck would you tell me to stay inside?”

I look up from my phone to see y/n coming towards us with a confused look on her face

“Oh fuck”

My eyes dart to the side looking at matt for the second, she turns her head to look at him then tilts her head

“Oh That’s why, well I came to give you Matts bracelet and ring back but since he’s here”

She walks to him and places Matt’s bracelet and ring in his hand

“Next time don’t send someone else to do your dirty work Matthew I know you’re not weak like that”

“Y/n I-“

“You don’t have to explain yourself Matt I don’t need to know, it was good see you three, I’ll be going inside now if you’ll excuse me”

We watched as y/n walked back inside

“Now if I must say y/n has only gotten more attractive, holy fuck even the way she composed herself”

“Chris shut the fuck up” I start “well is that what you wanted Matt”

“Her tattoos…holy fuck”

“Oh my god your not even paying attention”

“I am I am but what the hell why did she only get more attractive and I’ve gotten less”

“Your not ugly your a very handsome boy”

“Yes a very attractive young man”

“Okay yeah but COMPARED TO THAT no dude I just fumbled”

“I mean not really yall where toxic asf nearing the end of it”

“Yeah but she’s changed”

“And you haven’t soooo let’s move on with this conversation and get THE FUCK inside please and thank you”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Y/n pov

I run back inside to find tara and grab her by the arm

“Matt is here I ran into him by accident”

“Girl huh how?”

“Nick told me he was outside so I went to give him Matt’s stuff but he was literally right there I just gave Matt his stuff of course but I spoke to him but I feel like I was super harsh with it”

“Girl breathe… talk to him literally what is the harm it’s been 8 months I’m sure he would understand also it’s not like you like him still”

Bats eyelashes blank stare

“Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me y/n”

“IM JOKING IM JOKING but I do wanna apologize to him for everything cause it was mostly my fault”

“Okay but wasn’t he like overly possessive”

“Yeah… but I always pushed his boundaries with that shit and was always insecure and made him not have any privacy like I definitely need to apologize to him more than he does to me”

“Instead of telling me that why don’t you just go”

“Heeehhh let me go hotbox the restroom and enjoy my first thennnn I’ll go talk to him later in the night”

“Might as well get another shot in while you’re at it”

“Ugh fineeee just because I know your gonna bother me about it anyways”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Its 10:35pm now your a bit more drunk then you would like and you where also a tad bit high as well.

You feel all sweaty and crammed now kinda wanting to go home now but you still wanna talk to Matt so you go to find him. you stumble apon chris first though he was sitting and talking to colby and his girlfriend Malia

“Hmm chris have you seen matt?”

“I havent actually why”

“I wanna talk to him”

“y/n youre drunk”

“Yes i know chris im not gonna do anything stupid trust”

“Hmm dont know if i should”

“He going into the bathroom right now” colby spoke up

“Hehe thank you colby also Malia you look absolutely gorgeous”

“Thank you y/n” she giggles

“Hmm of course”

You very joyfully head to where that bathrooms are and stand there and wait for matt to come out, getting more nervous you hit your pen

“You waiting for someone beautiful”

You look up and meet eyes with a guy youve never meet before, you look at him confused

“Random flattery wont work on me”“Awe come on you wouldnt dress that way for no reason”

“What are you implying exactly huh”

“You know what i mean look at you” he goes to grab your waist and you back up

“Hm okay well imma give you two options now. 1. Leave and dont bother me again, or 2. Continue to harass me and i make a scene”

“Awe come on a pretty girl like you shouldn’t be threatening no one” he went to brush your hair behind your ear but you slap his hand away

“Try some stupid shit again dawg”

“Awe what you think you all tuff i bet i could bend you over right here and fuck that attude out of you”

You spit in his face “lmao the fuck you think you are”

“YOU BITCH” he pushes you hard against the wall winding you

Just in the blink on an eye you see matt grab the dude by his collar his slam him against the wall “watch your fucking mouth and if see you put your hands on any women again ill wont just slam you against a wall next time, patchetic excuse of a man” matt lets go of the guy looking over at you worried then comes over too you

“Are you okay ?”

“Yeah i didnt feel it tbh im a little to drunk”

“Um can i jus-”

“Wait no dont say anything can we talk outside i really need to talk to you”

“Um yeah lets go to the van”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

You both head outside and get in the van at first it’s just silence between yall until Matt clears his throat so you speak up

“it’s been a while since I’ve sat up here”

“Yeah it’s one think Chris doesn’t have to worry about anymore”

“He must of loved when I stopped coming around huh”

“Only for the part he didn’t have to fight anyone for front seat, he misses messing with you he really sees you as a older sister y/n”

You didn’t even hear him you were too much in your head which lead to word vomit

“I’m sorry for everything, I was a pretty shitty girlfriend I never had trust for you even though you gave me no reason to feel like that I had a lot of mental health issues going on and I pushed everything onto you and it just became more and more toxic cause my jealously and insecurity’s only grew… I truly am sorry for everything”

There was a moment of pure silence which scared you a bit until Matt let out a light chuckle

“I see that you’ve gotten way better at talking about your feelings”

“Yeah it’s called get on anti depressants and getting help”

“Oh shit sorry..”

“Nono oh my god I was joking about the anti depressants, I am on ADHD medications now though” you laugh and how easily he believed you

“You’re an idiot”

“Youre a bigger one”

“Shut up”

“Hey, don’t catch an attitude with me Mister” you grab him by the chin making him look at you then let go

“Okay I’m sorry I take it back, but I do wanna say I still can’t apologize to you about how possessive I was cause well it hasn’t changed, I thought it was cause well I haven’t had any interest in anybody but no… seeing you again especially with other guys it gave the same feeling in the stomach that it did back then as well”

“Matt can I ask you something”

“Yeah of course ?”

“When we were together what was i for you”

He looks at you confused but then just sighs

“Everything. You made everything just feel so perfect nothing was bothersome anymore all my thoughts would leave my head I was just happy… anytime I was away from you all I was waiting for was you to text or call me once you weren’t busy anymore or asleep, everything revolved around you because I wanted it too, you felt like my true safe place… and when you ghosted me it honestly ruined me.

“Matt…”

“I thought it was some kinda sick joke at first but even Nick and Chris couldn’t get through to you.. it felt like my whole world crumbled down. After the first week I got a little better since Nick forced you not to break contact with him and Chris just because of me, I’m pretty sure neither of them told you this but sometime when you would call them they would have the phone on speaker just so I could hear your voice…it was the least they could do they said cause they felt bad”

“I’m sorry Matt I didn’t know it affected you so much…but I do remember on the 4th month of having no contact with you Nick called me at like 3am asking me if I could just get back with you could shut up but I didn’t know what he ment at the time”

He looked confused for a second but then it clicked

“I woke him up one night cause I couldn’t sleep and just complained about how much I missed you”

“You know I unblocked your number on the 4th month right?”

“Huh no what ?!?”

“Yeah I unblocked your number a while ago totally not to see if you would call me or something…but since you didn’t I just assumed you were over it at that point, it lifted a weight off my shoulders but now knowing that wasn’t the case, I’m sorry”

“Hm don’t apologize you didn’t know”

“I still feel bad” you pout

“Wipe that pout off your face you look ridiculous”

“Ugh you’re still so mean when I pout”

“Uh yeah your not a kid don’t baby yourself”

“I don’t even mean too you know that”

He laughs resulting in you taking a hit of your cart and exhale in his face, he waves the smoke out of his face

“Rude”

“YA MOTHER, actually I take that back I love your mom so much”

“She actually asked about you last week well she asked Nick not me”

“Awe did she really?”

“Yeah she asked when you would come to visit her in Boston”

“What yall tell her?”

“Nick told her that he would ask you”

“He never did ask”

“Oh well um when would you wanna go see her and dad?”

“Next time yall take the trip out there I’ll go with yall”

A huge smile plasters across Matts face, he uses his hand to cover his face trying not to seem more happy then he needed to be

“Yeah okay, I’ll let Chris and Nick know and we’ll figure out a week to go”

“Okay perfect, I’m actually kinda excited I haven’t been in forever”

“Does this mean we’re back to being friends?”

“Absolutely” you give him a bright smiles “just make sure to not go back into bad habits, I’ll make Nick go off on you”

“Yeah yeah whatever”

“I’m serious Matthew”

“I promise I won’t go back to my old bad habits”

“Pinky promise”

I hold my pinky out so Matt can interlock his but got distracted by the feeling of the car door opening behind me, it was Chris

“UGHHHAHHHHHH MOVE”

“Chris back now don’t even start”

“She just came back and I already have to sit in the back”

“She’s a women she gets front, go”

“Ughhh”

Chris dramatically closes the door with a big huff then gets in the back with Nick

“Sorryyyyy”

“You’re not sorry you have a full smile on your face”

I couldn’t help but giggle, I missed this to be honest.

“Okay let’s get y/n home and then call it a night huh”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Almost 4 months have passed since the party, you started hanging out with the triples more often even if it was just to sit in there house and do work, Nick wanted you up and out of your house even making you run errands with him and Matt just like yall use to. You were mostly with Nick and sometimes Chris for the first 2 weeks but gradually starting hanging with Matt more often weither it be watching a movie together or just talking about a topic over a meal.

After a month has passed yall started going on night drives together sometimes it wouldnt even be days you were at the house he would just randomly come by your place and tell you to come downstairs. Matt always knew you enjoyed listening to music and driving around at night and it was a nice way to catch up more, matt even opened up a bit more about his insecurities and internal struggles

Now going into a new month the boys planned a trip to Boston to visit their parents and of course you’re going along, you’re currently all packed and waiting for Matt to get to your place your legs bounce with anxiety but also excitement, you haven’t seen there parents in a while

Soon enough Matt texted you that they were here, you quickly headed downstairs seeing the van putting your luggage in the back you could hear Matt screaming at Chris to get in the back, Chris gets out of the front with a huff and gestures at you the get in

“Let’s go passenger princess we don’t have all day we have a flight to catch”

“Chris just shush”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

It’s now 6pm, trip there was nice no difficulties or anything except for Chris trying to scare you while on the plane resulting in Nick and Matt silently yelling at him cause he made you scream super loud by accident. once getting through all the airport security and whatnot yall where finally able to get outside, Nick ordered a Uber for yall while yall waited. You’re still a little tried leaning your head on Matt’s shoulder

“Y/n?”

“Hmm?”

“You okay?”

“Mhm just still tired, sorry”

“It’s okay, you can take a nap in my room when we get to the house yeah?”

“Can we eat first?”

“Mom knows we’re coming she said she’s making us dinner so you’ll eat don’t worry”

He tucks your hair behind your hair and kisses the top of your head, only recently he started being physically affectionate with you again and your fine with it he knows your boundaries

Soon enough the Uber gets there and yall head to the sturniolo household

Once there the boys head in first and you follow behind them, Mary Lou ignored the boys and engulfed you into a big hug

“Ohh honey how have you been”

“I’ve been good, how have you been?”

“Oh honey you know the same old same old nothing new around here, I’m glad to see you again I thought I wouldn’t see you again after Matt told me yall broke up”

“I thought the same thing to be honest but everything is worked out now, I’m glad to see you again and doing well”

“Same to you”

“Ayeeee look who it is, my daughter in law that’s technically not my daughter in law anymore but still definitely is to me”

You laugh at jimmys comment before he gives you a small squeeze

“It’s nice to see you again sweetheart”

“Same to you”

“Okok whatever y/n isn’t important what about your sons?”

Of course Chris had to speak up, you see Matt rushing back downstairs you didn’t even see him go upstairs

“Your stuff is in my room if you need anything”

“Thank you Matt”

“Mhm of course”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

It’s been 3 days since yall have been in Boston it’s been a lot of family time and catching up, you’ve been sleeping in Matt’s room on his bed while he continues to protest to sleep on the couch in the living room even though youve told him multiple times that its okay for him to sleep with you.

Its currently 8pm on a wednesday evening its just you and matt in the house chilling in the living room. mary lou, jimmy, chris, and nick went out to a small get together with friends. Matt didnt wanna go out which is common, you stayed because well your not from boston and dont know anybody theyre going out with plus you really wanted to catch up on your reading since your behind.

You get up from the couch to stretch

“Imma go take a quick shower”

“You showered yesterday though?’

“Imma just wash my body off not like im washing my hair”

“Hm okay have fun”

“I guess??”

You giggle as you walk away genuinely wondering why he seemed annoyed by you going to take a shower. You clip your hair back then grab some jammies and your hygiene stuff then go to the restroom to take your quick shower. You lied about the the quick shower you actually ended up doing an everything shower minus your hair cause you felt like it, it still wasnt super long only 20 minutes. After drying off you slip on your black lace panties and your junji ito PJ pants over them, tossing on a black spagettii strap not bothering to put a bra on, You also do your skin care then clean up and head back to matts room putting your dirty clothes in the basket you and matt are sharing for the time being.

You grab your headphones, penjamin, reading glasses, and book from your bag then get comfortable on matts bed putting in your headphone and connecting them to your phone choosing your reading playlist, opening your book placing the book mark next to you and put your glasses on, finally taking a blinker cough your lungs out a bit and now ready to get completely immersed in the book.

Its been 20 minutes since you finished showering matt figured you would comeback downstairs once your done but youve been gone for 40 minutes now and it was bothering him so he went upstairs to his room to see you peacefully reading on his bed not even noticing that he walked in, he decided not to bother you and just grabbed clothes so he could go shower as well leaving you be for now until he was done.

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

I picked up my phone to check the time its 7:27pm youve been reading for a little over an hour now, you take a quick stretch then sit back down to continue reading

“Damn you still reading?”

“Oh hm?”

I look up from my book and see Matt shirtless with grey sweatpants on and damp hair. I could feel my face heating up

“I came In here earlier and you were reading I figured by the time I finished my shower you would be done, didn’t know you wear glasses though when did that start”

“Oh. Um they’re just reading glasses I’ve had them for a while now but I never really read but now I use them all the time”

“Can you look at me and point your finger up”

Confused but curious I do as he says, he takes a picture and starts laughing

“You’re so cute”

“Oh shut up, let me see”

“I’m being serious”

He walks over to me showing me his phone with a stupid smile on his face

“I look so stupid”

“Erm actually looking ahh”

“SHUT UP”

“I’m kidding I’m kidding, I think you look very beautiful with your glasses”

He places his hand under my chin making me look up at him threw my glasses

“Don’t look at me with those eyes sweetheart”

“Maybe keep your mind out of the gutter, I’m just looking at you Matt”

He chuckles and lets go of my chin

“Well I’m headed back downstairs enjoy the rest of your night”

“Matt for the love of god can you just stay up here with me”

“Naw naw I don’t wanna bother you”

“Matthew Bernard sturniolo please stay with me”

I don’t know why I’m begging, but I just wanted to be with him I wanted it to feel like old times I don’t want him to put that space between us anymore, I just want him again.

“Are you sure?”

“Matt I swear to god-“

“Okok I get it I’ll stay”

“Okay, I’m almost done with with book though so give me like 5 minutes”

The moment I pick up my book he takes it from my hand and places it in a higher spot where I can’t reach

“You’re done reading cause I’m bored and cause I said so”

“Fine”

I take off my glasses as Matt crawled into bed with me, cuddling closer to him he wraps his arm around me and plays with my hair

“What’s going on sweetheart, what’s going through your head”

“Nothing why do you think that ?”

“Well it’s just that this is the first time we’ve done this In a long time so you know”

“I just wanna be close to you I don’t know, I’m comfortable around you”

“Glad I make you feel comfortable”

He kisses my forehead continuing to run his fingers through my hair, I drape my arm over his chest scooting myself closer to him

“Matt.”

“Yes?”

“Is it bad that I don’t wanna let you go ever again”

“No, cause neither do I. You’re so important to me on so many levels just those 8 months alone went to show me that I was miserable without you”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t apologize, you did what you had to do and guess what you learning and progressing also helped me out you know”

Just watching him talk made you smile, Matt in general makes your heart feel warm

“Matt can you kiss me?…”

“Woah..y/n I-“

“Nevermind sorry that was to mu-“

Matt cups my cheeks and places a small peck on my lips then looks at me for reassurance, I nod my head. He pulls me into another kiss it’s slow but passionate just like it’s always been, I began to move myself from my side to the middle to straddle him, my thighs on either side of his body directly placed above his slowly but surely growing erection. I break the kiss, Matt places his hands on my thighs looking up at me

“Are you sure about this”

“If I wasn’t I would tell you”

“Hmkay just making sure baby, is it okay if I mark you”

“Only if they’re hidden”

“Can I make just one of them noticeable?”

“If you buy me the pair of shoes I’ve been wanting”

I said it as a joke cause Osiris NYC 83 skate shoes are 1. Expensive and 2. Lowkey hard to find especially the color ways I want. Seeing a smile spread across Matt’s face told me that he already bought me the shoes and I should have come up with a better deal.

“Whatever your thinking in your pretty little head in correct”

He flipped us over him now being on top of me

“Safe word is meatball”

“Matthew you’ve gotta be kidding me”

He chuckles and kisses my neck

“I’m joking sweetheart gosh, you know it’s always been strawberry nothing has changed”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

He carefully takes the clip out of your hair throwing it across the room, he kisses the side of your lip slowly going down peppering kisses over your neck he lightly bites down on your collarbone earning a whimper out of you

“Ow Matt”

“Sorry baby”

He kisses where he bit soothing his hand over it with his other hand slipping it under your shirt

“Can I take this off?”

You nod your head

“Words sweetheart”

“Yes”

“Arms up”

He easily slips your shirt off again tossing it across the room

“No bra?”

“Shut up”

“Yes ma’am”

He kisses down your chest to stomach leaving marks every once in a while, coming back to your lips giving you a small peck

“My pretty girl”

Your face heats up in embarrassment making you cover your face with your arms

“Awe come on don’t do that baby, let me see your pretty face”

You put your arms down

“There’s my beautiful girl”

“Matt just fuck me”

He chuckles “your so impatient I’m just admiring you honey, it’s been too long also just look at these beautiful tattoos on you”

He traces the stars that go down your left ribs, you squeeze you thighs together at this point everything Matt is doing just feels like teasing

“Do you really need me that bad”

“Oh shut the fuck up”

Matt slides his finger under your waist band

“When is the last time you’ve came y/n”

“Matt don’t make me answer that”

“No I wanna hear the answer”

“Matthew”

“Yes sweetheart”

You sighed knowing damn well he wasn’t gonna let it go

“The week before I ghosted you”

“Hm that was also the last time we had sex isn’t it?”

“Yes now shut up and just fuck me Matt please”

“At least you said please”

He quickly pulls down your bottoms panties included, Kissing down your stomach once again until reaching your pussy giving it a light peck

“Already wet huh?”

You close your legs around his head, you notice his eyes scanning over the tattoo on your under right thigh

“Yeah and what your gonna do about it ??”

“Eat you the fuck out”

(I would write full smut for yall but I’m genuinely so bad at it..)

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Now naked cuddling in bed together watching SpongeBob while Matt plays with your hair making you doze off a little

“You tried sweetheart?”

“Kinda”

“Let me get some clothes on you then we can sleep yeah?”

“Yeah”

Matt grabs you a pair of his boxers and a shirt of his

“You got it or want me to do it”

“I’ll do it just throw on some boxers please, I love you and your body and your dick very much but please cover it up”

“Repeat what you said”

“Throw on some boxers please”

“After that”

“I love you?”

“I love you too”

He puts on his boxers while you slip on your as well and put his shirt on, he lays back in bed tacking you in the process

“Does this mean we’re back together?”

“Don’t rush it pretty boy ask me again in the morning and I’ll say yes as of right now though let’s sleep”

“I love you so much”

“I love you too Matt, I won’t leave you again I promise”

“You better you know much I hate when you leave, just stay”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Ragghhh hihiiii um this is kinda an authors note i guesss sorry if this is kinda wack shit I had writters block for 8 months and this is my first writing coming out of it so be nice 3:

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

Steve and Eddie were hanging out again, a thing that's been happening since Steve carried Eddie out of the Upside Down. Usually, it was Steve, Eddie, and Robin, but it was date night with Vicki, so it was just the two of them. Just like with Robin, Steve had no problem getting so close with Eddie, but with him, it was different because Steve had fallen madly in love with Eddie. He was planning on telling him tonight after dinner and the movie he had picked out, but there was a bit of a problem. Eddie had completely conked out on his shoulder, snoring and drooling away.

It was amazing how sweet Eddie looked when he was sleeping in Steve's arms. Steve didn't want to move, but he needed to go to the bathroom. He went upstairs and went to use the bathroom in the master bedroom, the one furthest from the living room. He had begun using that one since his parents had given him the house due to the fact that the bathtub was bigger and he loved taking baths. Not only did he need to use the bathroom, but he also needed to practice what he was going to say to Eddie. Why were his hands sweating all of a sudden?

"Steve?" Eddie called out when he had woken up and found Steve was gone.

Eddie was very confused and very worried. He couldn't find Steve anywhere in the house. He hadn't looked in the master bedroom, though. Steve had told him he didn't like going in there, so why would he be there? He headed towards the bedroom, and that's when he heard Steve’s voice. Eddie frowned and entered, but there was still no sign of him. That's when he saw the bathroom light was on. He moved forward and saw that it was slightly cracked. He peeked in the crack and saw Steve talking to himself in the mirror. Eddie shook his head. He shouldn't listen to this. It would be rude. He froze, however, when he heard his name.

"Okay, come you can do this, it's just Eddie. You can tell him. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? He would say no. . . Or, you could lose his friendship forever. Yeah, that sounds swell," Steve sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

Eddie grew even more concerned. What could be so bad that Steve would be worried that he would lose him?

"Okay, so here goes nothing. Eddie, I found out some things about myself. Something that you made me realize. Uh, I like girls, but I also like guys. I also really like your personality and your face, just the whole thing, really. Ugh, no, that's fucking stupid," Steve said. "Come on, Harrington, you're smoother than this."

Eddie grinned, hiding his face behind his hair. Steve was practicing what to say to him, Eddie Munson, about said feelings for said metalhead! Oh, he should really come out of hiding now, but he also wanted to hear what else Steve might say.

"Okay, this really shouldn't be this hard. Speaking of hard, whenever you wear those crop tops and when you put your hair up. . . Oh, baby, you make me super hard," Steve said and winked in the mirror. "Nope, nope! That's stupid, too!"

Eddie stuffed his fist into his mouth to stop the giggles from erupting. Okay, he really should come out now. Hah! Come out!

"Okay, Eddie. . .I'm a huge dork, and you're a huge dork. . .let's be dorks together," Steve said.

Okay, Eddie couldn't help himself. He burst through the door, causing it to bang loudly against the wall. Steve shrieked and clutched his hands to his chest.

"A thousand times yes, baby!" Eddie exclaimed. "Oh, shit, sorry. Are you okay?"

"You scared the fuck out of me?!" Steve asked. "Were you listening the entire time?!"

"I did say I was sorry. Holy shit, that's a huge bathtub," Eddie said, getting distracted.

"Yeah, wait, did you say yes?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, very much in love with you - oooh! Bubbles! Can we, Steve?"

Robin groaned as she walked through the door of Steve's house. Frowning, she grabbed a beer from the fridge and went to look for Steve.

"Steve! I opened my big fat mouth and said something stupid now she's mad at me!" Robin exclaimed. "Our first fight as a couple. I am both happy and sad. Stevie, where are you? Let's get drunk and be dinguses together. Steeevee???"

That's when she heard the sound of two male voices yelling. It sounded suspiciously like Steve and Eddie. Oh God, did those two finally figure things out? Was she about to walk in on the aftermath? Why was she still walking towards the sound? Because she is a dingus, that's why. Robin entered the master bedroom and could hear their voices more clearly.

" - YOU BURNED DOWN MY CROPS, EDDIE!" Steve yelled.

"I SAID I WAS SORRY. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I HAVE SINUS ISSUES!" Eddie exclaimed.

Robin burst through the bathroom door and gaped at the sight. Eddie and Steve were sitting in the tub, bubbles up to their chests, with a box of toys beside the bathtub. Steve was sporting a bubble beard while Eddie had a ring of them on his head like a halo. Steve was holding a little plastic toy man in his hand while Eddie held a large red dragon. They froze at the sight of Robin standing in the doorway.

"What the fuck?" Robin asked. "What are you doing?"

"Taking a bubble bath with my dorky boyfriend, what are you doing?" Steve asked with a scoff, and Eddie giggled.

"I had a fight with Vicki," she pouted.

"Aw, sit down. Tell Mommy and Daddy what happened," Eddie replied as he put the toy dragon down.

"I am NOT calling you guys that," Robin scoffed and sat down on the lid of the toilet, taking a sip of her beer and passing it to the guys. "So, anyways, we were talking about - wait. . .BOYFRIEND?!"

[jackalopescruff]

have you made a post or anything talking about being a therian and like, how you came to realize it and stuff? im questioning myself and was hoping maybe, as a longtime follower of yours, your experience (any amount of it really) could help me out. no need to push urself to explain or anything of course!! i appreciate you being open about it in general ❤️

I never made a generalized post about it really since I'm very much a private introspective person (usually bounce things off my wife and my closest friends) and of course sought out input from Therian pals to help unpack my feelings but! with the disclosure that I'm still relatively new to this whole thing, and am by no means an expert I can offer a little insight to some of the stuff but I'll be brief. (Other Therian folks who are following me feel free to reblog and add your own insight for anon I wont mind at all!)

My realization definitely stemmed a lot in part I believe from not only my own journey and struggle with my Trans identity which had its own ups and downs, how even after feeling comfortable in a certain gender expression and identity there was still some itching piece that was not falling into place. Because while I felt very happy with being a "woman of my own making" (pat on my back because that was my rawest line from my own gender journey while i was working my ass off in a warehouse talking to my wife on the sly on my earbuds) I knew something else was there nagging at me beyond being a Non Binary Trans Woman.

With having Autism there is already that feeling of out of place that you get with being separate from society and its standards as a whole and at first a lot of my feelings on non-humanism I chalked up to the dehumanizing that autistic folks face as part of society expecting us to mold to the standards they practice and demand so it went left unexplored for some time because I just figured "yeah I'm autistic of course I feel out of place in 'normal' society" (again the language here not implying its wrong to be me or autistic obviously) But once around friends and people I trusted who didn't other me for my transness or my autism that itch still persisted.

My being a furry helped me explore more animal mannerisms and behaviors just out of the fact that its furry community we get sillay. But the more I acted on certain things (barking, meowing, various other noises) as well as more referential to myself not as a human but as a Dragon, Bear, Dog etc just a change of language as part of the fun I started noticing those same warm feelings as I did when I started new pronouns or names, the social feelings of being referred to with things that otherwise I wouldn't normally experience. My fascination with nature, my love of the outdoors beyond just the joy of fresh air the actual genuine peace that I'd feel in the woods away from society as a large, listening to all the other animals in the trees feeling the sun and wind on my face how it deeply went into me in some spot inside me that I never really knew was there at least never knew how to acknowledge how it felt like each breath filled my body with this new life I hadn't known.

My wife knew she was Therian first, and through her I explored myself and began to realize that I probably was too. With insight from other pals who also were Therian and just a general fact that I am not afraid to just sit down and look myself in the mirror in a sense and unpack shit when I need to I really just had this sudden explosion of "oh wow this is what it was, this is that itchy piece" I am beyond happy with where the journey has already taken me and I do not feel shame to be that which I am. My wife, my friends, plenty of people around me encouraged, nurtured, and embraced who I was.

So now yeah, my wife and I spend a lot of time speaking with body language and make little barks and reh's and howls and noises at each other instead of words because its freeing to be able to talk with your body and eyes and be understood, especially with autism, being able to be non verbal but still communicate brought such peace and joy. Being able to escape life in society and build a bedroom den and hang vines up in our bathroom and build our own burrow with moss and leaves and just curl up and feel cozy and safe is so comforting and warm.

I know its not a thing everyone gets, and I know its a stigma because "you are bound by your flesh" but much like being trans the flesh is only a small part of what makes us, Us and our soul is much brighter and deeper than anything that our exterior can show. So I may be constrained by limited avenues of external physical expression but that shouldn't stop me from letting my soul soar and be as bright and passionate as it can be.

[grassclippers]

❀˖°three cheers for a hopeful Future ❀˖°

⋆˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹

summary-if only y/n didn't have a curious mind and they just went on there way to. But they knew they could never go back to the regular hustle and bustle of there their old life. especially since they meant a pipe cleaner of a man. ⊹𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊

T/W: cats,iced chai,suicide?,murder?

About: /first person/ italic words are thoughts you have a cat - tiki bar: a fat brown cat that you found behind a chilis y/f/d: your favorite drink pronouns: they/them y/n: your name y/n/n: your nickname y/h/l: your hair length y/h/c: your hair color y/n: is an outgoing person who likes chai and is learning to become a archaeologist and minor in film.but on there way to class they meet someone ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

A/N- i'm sorry i haven't written in a while but i realized after i watched criminal minds that this needed to be made, this fic is a bit out of character . i am planning to turn this into a series. i will also be using season one ,spencer, since he's an awkward little goof.

september,15,thursday, 9:00 am, 2005 ⋆your pov⋆

oh shit, i think as i wake up on my desk. i cranked my up to feel the knot start to emulate in my neck. if only i was in culinary school then i wouldn't have to worry about these outlandish projects.i think as i stare at my laptop that seems to have have died while i was asleep. i stand up and began to stretch my limbs. i quickly scan the room only to notice that the lights are turned off and stare in the mirror, i was wearing an oversized shirt and a pair of shorts. My y/h/l was tasseled. I look like a hobo. i quickly turn n the light and searched for my laptop charger. ⊹𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊 I plug my laptop in and as i wait i go to the kitchen in my apartment. i note that my roommate has left for her classes , and that tiki bar is napping on the plush armchair you were gifted by your dads. You trudge to the kitchen and grab y/f/d. As you enter your room you observe you have an hour till classes. you turn on your phone and play your morning playlist as you open your laptop and double check that you finished your film project and turned it in. you gaze slowly shifts to your door, tiki bar has entered. you register that you should probably get ready for class .

9:45 am ⋆ spencer's pov⋆

four college students have committed "suicide" on every seventeenth since may ,on the same bridge, all at 7:15:27 am.

probably a cult or maybe a- Spencer ,morgan yelled my name. i slowly look up at him. i give him a confusing look, were here he told me as i notice we were parked on what seemed to be a the bottom level of a parking garage. i remembered that this particular parking garage, the gravet garage, from the map we were that were shown of the place in which they lives were ended.

9:45 am ⋆ your pov⋆

I quickly grab my key to my moped and shoved my phone into my bag. i gently put my headphones into my ears. i slowly drove to the ,gravet garage, that was close to my classes and by far the best garage since it was near the cutest little coffee shop. I park the colorful moped near a black suv. as i walk to the coffee shop i notice a decent amount of people almost huddled around the outside of the shop. i slowly maneuver myself around them since they seem like they could beat me up. i walk up to the counter as i am about to order i notice a skinner man who seems to be apart of the group that was taking up lot of space outside. ⊹𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊 I watched as he slowly scanned the menu that was filled with sugary coffee, interesting teas, spiced chai, and breakfast foods. He looks undecided and cute. I blush at my own thoughts. "Hey do you need any help deciding on what to order?because when i say they have a killer iced chai latte. I mean it" i say to him and as I smile. He gradually turns his head to me. We make eye contact." oh my name y/n but my friends call me y/n/n. well if i had any friends." I say my smile emulating joy. "h-h-hi " he says . He stutters that is so cute."my name is spencer, did you know that chai was thought to be found at least 5,000 years ago, it was supposedly made for king. they made chai as a remedy for all his illness"spencer says. " what that's sick . did you know chai is one of my favorite drinks". ⊹𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊 I say happily. "are you ready sir" the attendant behind the counter says. "may please have caramel frappe" " anything else sir" "that's all" he pays and casually walks to place where you pick up your coffee "hey, can i please i have and iced chai latte with oat milk" I walk next to spencer as I wait for my coffee to be made. "so are you with the group outside or do you also not know them?" "I-I am with them" "okie dokie, so why yall in town. i am genuinely curious. since yall look like your from the matrix" our coffee are presented to us.and we take them. "we are all apart of the FBI, and we are reschearing the suicides that happen on the north east bridge" "Thats cool, weren't they apart of a cult or something" "we are lead to think that but-"he gets cut off by a voice outside that tells that they are leaving. "well it was lovely to meet you maybe we could talk in the future" I take a napkin and write my number on it. "everlong, spence". i quickly rush out the door.

10:00 am ⋆spencer's pov⋆

I quickly shove the napkin in my pocket. Shit, i think i just flirted with someone. Morgan was the one who interrupted our conversation and he again is yelling for me to come outside the coffee shop. "were walking to the main campus to conduct interviews on friends and other college students" Morgan says. As we investigate i realize that the only thing my mind is y/n. They were so kind. i will have to try chai now.

[frankmillerturnonyourlocation]

🔖⛓️💭 for Henry?

HIIII ECHO THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! 🩵🩵🩵 Sorry I took so long with this!!! Also I accidentally answered these in reverse order. oops lol.

☆ ask game

warning for: discussions of implied/assumed csa

💭: What scenario do you return to when you think about this selfship? How does it make you feel?

Getting personal as fuck with this first question here, but I invented a faceless, shitty older half-brother oc for Emerson to bounce some backstory off of. He’d be semi-involved with the villain/hero world, mainly someone who’d help Emerson create and repair weapons and gear and be unattainable and unapproachable for them. Someone they’re kind of devoted to, if you whittle them down to their little-kid core, who doesn’t want much to do with them in turn.

Swear to god this wasn’t intentional but it kiiiinda reverse mirrors Ray and Henry in a fun way where Henry, after some kind of Event where Em puts themself wayyyy out there for the sake of their half-brother or does something at his request and gets the shit kicked out of them. And then after the fact, Henry would be like, hey could we please fucking talk about this. Which leaves him WIDE open to Emerson’s reverse pot shot of OH we’re going to talk about unhealthy attachments here? We’re going to talk about endangerment? Like if there is one thing about Emerson it is that they are Always going to take the opportunity to imply but never state explicitly that Henry is a victim of grooming which drives him CRAZY because he’s like hello what this is our mutual friendboss?? my mentorbuddy? my brotherroommate?? the man I've spent the most time with out of anyone since I was thirteen?? and Emerson’s just like. okay well i won't say anything more about it today but did you hear what you just said.

but it’s whatever and silly and flippant until this point, because Emerson is hurting and angry that Henry’s even treading this territory and it just kind of drips from their mouth in a way it hasn’t before. Here let me link the nonsensical writeup I’ll copypaste it verbatim from my notes app just for this ask. …realizing now how much of their reaction is a messy kind of envy, here, also. Yuck!

I just love this Emerson because I can be a real dysfunctional little shit with them and like. Just kind of poke at certain themes and feelings in such a ridiculous way. They're my power fantasy smooth-talking bad guy sona which somehow also means I am also torturing them with an inability to manage any of their emotional issues. Do you ever take a look at an s/i you crafted during a certain year or event and go mmm fuck I’m telling on myself too much with this one? Well not me I never do that.

⛓️: Is your f/o protective or possessive? Why one over the other?

💙❤️💙❤️ yeah. I love him so much. I’d say protective more than possessive— when they first meet, during Henry’s senior year, Em only sticks with him long enough for a couple of dates before they ditch him for the next target (they’ve been hired to reveal the identity of kid danger and captain man. they narrowed it down to a high school and went undercover as a new student. they are. well they didn’t quite get it right but they got close. <3) so he’s kind of carrying a little bit of that minor rejection into the relationship when it truly begins in earnest (after identity shenanigans and villainous activities ensue) PLUS the betrayal of learning that it was totally fake that whole time and the shame of falling for it like some kind of amateur. So even AFTER said shenanigans, he’s still partly steeling himself for Em to up and leave in the middle of the night if he screws up and gives them a reason to. (I am the toxic one here. he is perfect and wonderful) So I think he’s got enough self control to not be outwardly possessive, even if he’s feeling it. Sulky little baby.

Protective, though, that’s kind of his whole thing! Hard to turn the hero part of your brain off, even when it’s looking at a murderer. He’s not like, annoying about it, though— he doesn’t ever (successfully) try to stop Em from doing things. Again— can’t scare them off. Better to tag along, anyway! He’s good at working as half of a pair.

And THEN he's gotta even defend the idea of trusting and engaging with me post-betrayal reveal to his friends, who have just watched me dump and sell him out AND KIDNAP HIM. the fact that the kidnapping was extremely unsuccessful grants me little favor. (I win 'em over, though. Love them too much. And like, the distrust is warranted, and I respect them for that, and I think that helps.)

🔖: If your ideal fanfiction existed about you and your f/o, what would the AO3 tags look like?

THIS WAS SO HARDDDDD I struggle with tagging even WHEN i have a tangible fic already written... but here's what I've got.

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Henry Hart/Emerson, Past Unrequited Henry Hart/Ray Manchester, (which way? up to youuu), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fake Dating, Whump, Humor, Implied/Referenced Grooming, Pining, Secret Identity, Sparring, Kidnapping Gone Wrong, Hypothermia, Only One Bed, Heel-Face Turn

^^ something like that. this would be a longfic. covers a lot of ground.

[soundwave-macaque]

My personal queer adventure. Happy Pride!

For those who are uninterested, this is my story of how I became very queer. I yap a lot so tl;dr I'm an Aromantic Bisexual Demigirl who couldn't be more happy right now.

I am making this post in part to always remember this pride month (and specifically this day). Being queer has always been hard for me to do, growing up AMAB and surrounding myself mostly with people who judge highly for being outside the norm made me pretty convinced of some schools of thought that I currently find detestable.

Despite my struggles, finding people who accept me and learning how to allow myself to be queer has been a frankly bizarre and wonderful adventure. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even with how difficult it can be.

It was rather easy to come to the conclusion that I was Aromantic (for as long as I could remember I wasn't the biggest fan of romance) and not long after it became pretty apparent to me how attractive men can be, even if not in a romantic lens. What was really difficult was understanding what the fuck was going on with my gender identity.

It took a while for me to realize that I didn't like my assigned gender at birth. To be fair I still don't take as much issue with it as others like me do. That's probably why it was so easy to dismiss my feelings. "I hate how I look not because I'm experiencing gender dysphoria but because I'm ugly." You know, stuff like that. I felt for the longest time that I couldn't be a different gender because of how little I seemed to hate my assigned gender compared to what others said about there own gender. At the end of the day I was probably just in denial.

Things started to change when I was finally able to grow my hair out. Having long hair gave me something to actually like about myself that I didn't have before. Granted I just chalked this up to liking long hair, no implications of gender whatsoever! What was harder to deny was the way wearing dresses made me feel. One of my best friends was able to gift me one of their dresses. When I tried it on it was like I had finally woken up out of a nightmare. I actually liked what I looked like in the mirror. Liked it! Me! I looked at myself and thought "I look good"! That had never happened to me before.

Now of course this was not enough to make me consider my gender identity no no no I just liked dresses! That was totally cisgender (btw it can totally be cisgender all clothes are unisex if you try hard enough). What especially stopped this was showing this side of myself to my family. They didn't really understand. Some of them tried. Others didn't. It ended up putting a huge damper on my feelings around GNC dressing and really halted my exploration of this side of myself.

Unfortunately for those who very much did not want this outcome, my insatiable gender envy and dysphoria stopped for no mortal! I started to genuinely wish I was born with features that are more feminine. It got to the point where I had started doing research into how I could fake some feminine features. The big one being breasts. I felt like if I could get breasts it would cure a lot of my dysphoria. It was around this time I started to consider the label of demigirl. Mainly because I still don't really feel fully like a girl. I want to look like a girl and dress like a girl, but I'm not fully a girl. More and more research and time went into it and I decided to try out the label, see if things worked.

That leads us to today. In which I haven't fully completed operation fake titty, but I have something to base my feelings around. And oh my god, I love them. I realize that I do not have breasts, but seeing what looks like breasts on my body gave me so much euphoria that my brain finally full sent me into "oh shit, I'm not a man." and honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt better!

This is the only photo I'm proud enough of that has the fake breasts that I can be proud of right now, but I still wanted to share it. I can't put accurately into words how happy I am right now, but wow. This feels good. This pride month will always be special to me. Today will always be special to me. Because today was the day I finally found a piece of myself that I have felt missing for years. Happy Pride everyone. I hope yours are as good as mine is.

[nightfang22]

The Norski and The Themby-Chapter Four

A/N:I truly hope that you're enjoying the series thus far and I'm overjoyed to continue it with you guys.A special thanks to @p34ch-tr33 for all the inspiration and drive that you continue to give me so I can do what I do.Enjoy!

Warnings:None

Word Count:2.4k

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* My alarm clock blared as I rolled over, slamming my fist down onto it. After efficiently shutting my alarm off, I rolled out of bed sighing. I am not a morning person by any means. I looked at the time. The clock read 5:00 a.m. Why do I always get up so early? Then I heard footsteps marching in the direction of the bathroom. My eyes widened as I hopped out of bed, sliding my slippers on and racing to the bathroom. Frost and I always fight over the shower in the mornings. I slid my way down the hall and into the bathroom just a split second before Frost could. "Stront!" ("Shit!") He cursed as he banged his fist against the door in defeat. I could barely hear his groans over the sound of my hard earned victory. Smirking to myself in the mirror, I put on a playlist that Tord had sent me. It was all Norski hip hop from what I could tell but I was kind of digging it. I stripped in the mirror, dancing as the music played. I started to feel a twinge in my thigh but I elected to ignore it. I hopped in the shower and turned the water on completely boiling. I liked my skin red or else I didn't feel clean. I wet my hair and scrubbed my body while humming along to the music. The pain and twitching in my thigh persisted but I, again, chose to ignore it as I wrapped a towel around me and stepped out of the shower. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair after blow drying it. Just as I was about to grab my phone to switch songs, my legs completely gave out. The twitching became violent and painful. I screamed with tears in my eyes because it hurt so bad. Frost started banging on the door. "Gaat het?" ("Are you okay?") His banging only persisted as the tears streamed down my cheeks. The door burst open and I saw Frost standing there with a panicked expression splayed across his usually calm features. He rushed to me and picked me up bridal style carrying me to my room. I couldn't talk because I was in so much pain. He sat me on my bed and I pointed to the outfit on my desk. He helped me get dressed and carried me downstairs for breakfast. Moeder and Papi were looking at us with confused expressions until it clicked in Papi's brain. He whispered something to Moeder and she nodded. She was about to say something when I interjected through gritted teeth. "I request that we speak in English until I get used to it please." She only nodded, setting down the plate of food she was holding. "Your legs gave out again, didn't they?" She asked. It was a rhetorical question but I nodded in response anyway. She sighed. "You have two options then. You can either stay home from school and band practice," Panic rose in my chest at the thought of that, "or you go to school and practice in your wheelchair." I bit my lip, looking at the chair in the corner. I only ever used my wheelchair when I absolutely needed it. See, I have CMT. Charcot Marie Tooth, a type of muscular dystrophy in my legs. I try my very best to keep it hidden but in times like these, it can be difficult. Sighing in defeat, I nodded. "Fine. I'll use the wheelchair." She nodded and went back to cooking. We had bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast which I so graciously smothered in cinnamon sugar. "Oh, Tord still has my bike so he's giving me a ride to school today." Realization hit me like a bus when those words left my mouth. "And he absolutely cannot see me without working legs!" I cried out. Papi gave me a sympathetic glance as he put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Paardebloem, I know that it can be difficult and kind of embarrassing but I promise, if this Tord kid is a true friend, he won't care. And if he does, I'll beat the absolute shit out of him." Papi chuckled at his own joke. His advice gave me some sort of comfort.

Frost silently finished his breakfast and kissed our parents goodbye. He side eyed me and muttered, "I'll see you at school, Lyric." My heart almost shattered. Frost never acts so coldly towards me, no matter the fight. I bit my lip and nodded, staring at my lap. Papi brought me my wheelchair and I pulled myself into it. He put my bag in my lap and pressed a kiss into my fluffy brown hair. "Have a good day, sweetheart." I smiled and nodded as I rolled toward the front door. I took a deep breath as I rolled outside to the driveway. Tord was leaning against the hood of his car, playing on his phone. He glanced up at me and did a double take. "Lyric! What happened?" He asked, worry evident in his voice. I gulped. This was going to be harder than I thought. "I'll explain on the way to school if that's alright with you?" I looked up into his silver eyes. He nodded quickly, picking me up out of my chair and setting me in the passenger's seat of his car. I squeaked in shock, clinging to him until I was on solid ground again. He put my wheelchair in the backseat of his car as I buckled in. My hands were shaking. I was more afraid than I had realized. We sat in silence for a moment as Tord drove us to school. I cleared my throat and rubbed my left thigh. "So, you're probably confused and/or repulsed by the fact that I kind of can't walk at the moment. See, I have CMT which is a type of muscular dystrophy that effects my legs so sometimes I can't walk or my legs muscles twitch. I understand if you don't want to be seen with me-" Tord cut me off with a chuckle. "Don't want to be seen with you? Why wouldn't I want to be seen with the coolest person ever?" He laughed lightly. It was almost infectious. He was right. I was being silly. Tord liked me for me, not just because I can walk. I smiled at him as we pulled to a stop behind the school. Tord pulled my wheelchair out for me and put me in it securely, handing me my bag. "Do you want me to push you or do you want to do it yourself?" He asked. I smiled at the kind offer but declined. I do this all the time. I've got this. We headed for the doors to the school, passing Frost on our way there. I waved and he simply glared at Tord. Tilting my head down slightly, I continued forward toward my locker. Tord helped me reach everything and he walked me to my first class. I waved goodbye as he winked at me. I blushed a pale pink as I rolled to my seat next to Tom. Tom looked at me with widened voids. "Wha-" I cut him off. "Muscular dystrophy. This happens sometimes." He nodded, noticing how I didn't really want to talk about it. Class went on quite uneventfully when a paper ball flew onto my desk just like yesterday. I smiled softly as I carefully unraveled the ball as not to tear it. 'I'm throwing a party this weekend because my parents are out of town. Would you like to come?' I giggled quietly as I scribbled a yes and quickly tossed it back. When it landed on my desk this time, his address was scrawled on it. I folded it neatly and slipped it into my bag.

 Once class was over, Tord met me at the door. Tom was behind me holding my bag. I told him that I could carry it but he insisted. Tord walked with Tom and I to my next class. There was the same group of girls that made fun of me yesterday for not being able to speak English properly standing next to a set of lockers, staring at us and whispering. They were pointing and laughing at me. The blonde wearing pink heels that I recognized as Caroline walked towards me. She "accidentally" spilled her iced latte all over me. She cackled and said, "Ooops. Sorry cripple." Tom growled and Tord looked like he was about to knock her lights out when I intervened. "Don't worry, guys. It's fine. Let's just go." I wiped the coffee off of my shirt while Tord pushed my wheelchair. I got to class with Tom and we parted ways with Tord. He ruffled my hair before saying his goodbyes and Tom led me in the classroom to our seats.

*Timeskip to after school*

I rolled to my locker with Tord in tow. He helped me put my things away and walked me to his car. "So, are you ready for band practice?" He asked. Band practice! It had completely slipped my mind up until now. I nodded excitedly. "What are we going to be working on?" I asked as he helped me into his car. "I've got a new song I really want to hear you sing." He said as he threw the gear shift into drive, speeding off towards his house. Once we arrived, he helped me into my wheelchair and opened up the garage. He grabbed some comfier clothes and went into the bathroom. I took this as an opportunity to just wheel around the room a bit, looking about. The walls were a beautiful scarlet color just like his bed sheets. His bed was messily made and thrown together just like any teenage boy. I wheeled over to his stage area and scoped it out. It was quite impressive. The bathroom door opened and Tord emerged in a grey V-neck t-shirt and black sweatpants. Even comfy, he was rather handsome. He tossed his dirty clothes lazily on the floor next to his hamper and I gasped. Rolling over to his hamper, I picked his clothes up and placed them inside. He chuckled while shaking his head at me, raking a hand through his golden caramel hair. "Okay, we're just waiting on Paul and Pat to get here and we can start. In the mean time, do you wanna play a game?" He looked over his shoulder at me as he pulled out a deck of cards. I tilted my head in curiosity. "What kind of game?" I asked. Waving the deck of cards in his hand, he said, "Suits? It's pretty simple. We can make it a little more interesting with a wager if you'd like?" I pondered the thought for a moment before eventually agreeing. "Okay, what will our wager be?" I asked, wheeling over to his bed as he pulled the garage door closed. He turned around with an evil smirk and chuckled darkly. "How about a game of Strip Suits? Each time you lose a hand, you lose an article of clothing?" I gulped. I could feel the scarlet blush dusting its way across my cheeks but I nodded anyway. I lifted myself from my chair onto his bed. I pulled my legs into a crossed position and placed my hands in my lap. Tord sat across from me and began shuffling the cards. "Okay, so the rules are simple. You get two cards. The first, you can look at but the second, you cannot. You hold the second one up for the other person to see. You judge based on your one viewable card and the other person's card if you have a winning hand or not. A pair is ideal. It beats everything. A suit is second when you have two cards of the same suit. And when you have two non matching cards of different suits, that's called a pig. If you both have a pig, high card wins. Got it?" I nodded my head. This seemed simple enough. Tord dealt the cards. I looked at my first card. A 10 of spades. This seemed like a pretty good card. I held up my second card and looked at Tord's. He was holding up a 4 of hearts. I think I got this one. "Okay, we're betting shirts first, yeah?" I nodded as the game began. "One, two, three!" We showed each other our cards. I had two tens and Tord have a 2 of hearts and a 4 of diamonds. "I guess I win, haha!" I giggled at my victory. Tord smirked and pulled his shirt over his head. It's like everything slowed down. His abs were chiseled out of diamonds. His V was incredible. I could feel myself salivating at the mere sight of the Norski. I coughed and took my second hand. It was a 9 of clubs. I looked at Tord's hand and he had a King of spades. Oh dear. "Shall we bet pants next?" I bit my lip and nodded along.

"One, two, three!" We revealed our cards and Tord had two kings while I had a 9 of clubs and a 2 of spades. I gulped as I pulled my skinny jeans off slowly. Tord never took his eyes off of me the entire time. The game went on like this for a long while until I was eventually in just my bra and panties. Tord was still only missing his shirt however. He set the cards aside and chuckled. "Well, well, well. I think I deserve something for winning, don't you think?" I bit my lip as he crawled on his hands and knees towards me. Before I knew it, he was above me with his hands on either side of my head and his legs between mine. He leaned in closely and began kissing my jawline. I could smell the scent of cigarettes mixed with his cologne. It was entrancing. He moved from my jaw to my neck, searching for my sweet spot. He eventually found it causing me to arch my back and mewl softly. I could feel his devilish grin on my shoulder as he bit down, sucking roughly. My eyes fluttered closed as my hands flew to his hair, tugging softly. Soft groans and moans slipped from my mouth as his hands roamed my body. I didn't think that it would happen like this. Just as his hand slid down my stomach, dipping into my underwear, the door opened. Paul and Patryk were joking and laughing until they saw the position we were in. My whole body froze.

[cartbarnie]

Hiiii guys more shit about Goldie this was a small fic I made to test Goldie’s character out, specifically Lucas’ Goldie!!!

I felt my body warp, swirling, twirling into two. I looked at myself, it’s was like I was staring at a mirror, almost.

They kept my wings, in return I lended my flames, as we shared the golden color we are both known for.

We stared at each other’s pure white eyes, till they shut, and they never saw each other again. I felt my body..our bodies transform into light, then into nothing, we went back to our beginning, as a concept. And then we became something again.

I found the void that welcomed me, only me. My body gone, my eyes only being the thing that’s almost left of me. Then I heard a voice.

“To think we would be blessed with two children at once..” It was her voice, Hinawa’s voice. The woman who will be ripped apart into twain, leaving a hole in her heart. I heard another voice chime in.

“I bet they’ll accomplish things together that they couldn’t do alone.” A masculine voice, flint. The one who will search the earth for a part of me, who’ll never find a trace of them again. He’s almost right, we could do this alone, but we’ll be able to do this quicker as two.

Flint spoke again. “I’m sure they’ll argue a lot, too.” We’re working on the same goal, to make sure our prediction goes as planned, making sure the needle will be passed to Porky, having the world cease to exist. That is what we both have worked for.

“And I can see them helping each other out when they need it.” She spoke again, she’s right as well. Working on the same goal must involve our assistance with one another.

The sound of silence kept the room from being barren, before Flint spoke again. “Claus..” Claus, them, the other part of me. Thought I couldn’t see it, I felt them get picked up, cradled by Flint.

Then I felt myself get picked up as well, being..cradled gently. “And Lucas..” It was Hinawa’s voice again, she talked quietly and gently, hugging him, Lucas, closely to her chest. “I bet we’ll mix them up a lot when they get older..” I felt her chest vibrate, like she was laughing.

“Claus and Lucas, huh?” Flint asked, he cradled Claus in his arms as well, less gently than Hinawa was. “How do you want them to grow up to be?” He asked, he’ll know eventually that this question would be useless years into our future, or any thoughts about we would be useless.

I felt my thoughts get squished as Hinawa held me and Lucas tighter. “To be kind, just like you.” She spoke, the same answer as Flint, this will be useless in the end…will it?

Kind…it’s such a nice word..

I heard Flint chuckle..we heard Flint chuckle. “Oh, I was just going to say..”

Flint..despite being more buff and  more harsh, something about him drove me to him. What is..

“To be kind..just like you.”

Kind..that word again..it’s a beautiful word, but this won’t matter in the end as well, right?

“Great, then it’s decided.”

She spoke again..her voice was soothing, but I know I won’t hear it for long. But yet, why do I feel as if I don’t want that? This is what I was made for, she’s going to die and I know she will. I know that everyone in this room will be dead. I’ve accepted that all that time ago..

Do I..not want that anymore?

“Claus…”

I felt his eyes, our eyes open, I had no control of Lucas, I was only a viewer looking outside to the world..I saw her face, what she looked like..her brunette hair and her brown eyes. She smiled at Lucas…at me.

I can’t throw this all away, not anymore. We both have a life, Lucas has a life, a life that I shouldn’t touch..but we both knew it wasn’t just Lucas’ life. It was mine as well. 

“Lucas..”

I don’t need to be me anymore, we don’t need to be me anymore, we can just be Lucas and Claus. We can rest..I wonder if you realized this as well.

“Make us proud.”

I heard her words, I closed my eyes as I embraced the warmth of my mother.

end of the fic yeaahhh

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 and we are at 4x06. He came back and sat down and went ‘okay so i am now fully relaxed and chill. I talked to myself in the mirror. And we both agreed that going forward, i will be now more calm.’ ‘What is this? Ohhhh Kinnetik launch party! awww he gave the check back. I knew it was killing him to accept the help…quick question, why didn’t he remove the showers? JUSTIN! Are we back to normal? Oh shit, Deb and Em are roommates!! BLONDIE IS BACK! MY BLONDIE IS BACK! Aww Brian, is gonna make a speec- why the fuck is Lindsay following him up there? Girl get the fuck out, you have nothing to do with any of this. AWW FEMALE BLONDIE IS UP THERE. See! SHE makes sense. Linds doesnt. AND JUSTIN! Now he makes sense because HE NAMED IT! Shoo lindsay, this isnt your moment. LOOK AT THEM KISSING! I LOVE THIS! This was nice! Finally my blondie is back!’ ‘Now why the fuck is Debbie ignoring Vic? Right, she’s angry but still. RAGE? A MOVIE?! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! She needs to stop being a bitch to Vic. I get shes angry but still’ ‘awwww he immediately went to Brian to tell him the news! Of course he did. MY BLONDIE IS BACK! That’s right Brian, go back to school Justin! Look at him making time to celebrate Justin. AWWWW’ ‘TED! AND EM! oh shit, this is gonna be tough, isn’t it? Yeah, i was right, this is tough. Fuck. I feel ripped in half. Im happy for Ted, i understand Em, but i want them to be friends again. Fuck’ ‘oh ben is miserable. And jealous and a bitch. Bro, he is your partner, you’re supposed to be supportive no matter what. Fuck you man’ ‘okay, i get Ted but dude! Come on. Hasn’t Blakey been through enough? Let that man live, he can’t catch a fucking break’ ‘FINALLY VIC AND DEBBIE MADE UP! We have a lot of catching up to do so let’s get to it babies! *waves to deb and vic* this is us when we grow up. Why is she bringing up what all she did for him because of aids? That’s wrong. I take it back, this isn’t us when we grow up. OH FUCK YOU DEBBIE! TOTALLY NOT US! NOT US! NEVER US!’ *he forced me to pinky promise that that wont be us* ‘did they change babylon? I dont remember this bench thing, because i know for a fact that they wouldve fucked on it by season 2. Ohhh Justin being sassy to Brian. Ohhh ibiza *says it like justin and then brian corrects justin* okay, my bad. He could have anything he wanted and he is betting school? HE REALLY CARES ABOUT HIS EDUCATION AND FUTURE. Fellas, how about this, you both fuck him. That way, you go to ibiza AND back to school? Win win’ ‘no Ben, the only piece of shit here is you. What a jealous prick. Who does that? Mike literally told him that he shouldnt judge his book cause he’s not smart enough since he didnt go to community college, which was fucked up b-t-w just to make up for hurting his feelings and this fucker cant even pretend to be happy for a moment? Fuck you. YEAH, GO OFF MIKE’ ‘aw Blake and Emmett. I need them to be friends. Oh god, i just had a realization. I sound like that chick in mean girls who wanted to bake cupcakes and make everyone friends. Blake, deserves the world!’ And now we are at the Britin/gym scene ‘it took 4 seasons for Justin to go with him to the gym? Bullshit, this man was stalking Brian like crazy in season 1. He would’ve had gym membership AND his personal trainer by episode 3. Ohhh its that guy! Damn, Brian really wants him to go back to school. What is he doing? Justin, what did you do? CRABS? What a little shit. I missed this. I missed them’ ‘Lindsay, what the fuck are we doing here again? Bagel? Hair and outfit, looking like that? Babe, what is going on? This is weird AND creepy. DUDE HANDS OFF HER ASS! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. YOU SHOULD’VE PUNCHED HIM HARDER AND LET HIM FALL! PIG’

Brother shouting about Lindsay being up on the stage at the launch party is so correct. WHY IS SHE THERE?

Your brother getting all worried and upset about Vic and Debbie's fight. I'm going to cry.

BRIAN DOES CARE ABOUT JUSTIN'S EDUCATION! I am so soft about that.

it took 4 seasons for Justin to go with him to the gym? Bullshit, this man was stalking Brian like crazy in season 1. He would’ve had gym membership AND his personal trainer by episode 3 OKAY I snorted at that. So accurate.

UGH the start of Lindsay and that guy. UGH

[enchanted1waters]

Musically lustful.

Summary: Loser!Ellie is a sophomore in college, a die hard fan of the band. The reader is an oc rocker babe!! Ellie gets more than a backstage tour...

Pt 2 will be the one filled with smut 🙄💅

Warnings: sexual content in next chapter, loser!Ellie pussy drunk, good music, drugs, alcohol.

Enjoyyyy ☝️👀📸

Ellie's pov:

The Professor giving us the 'ok' to leave sent me scrambling to gather all of papers, stuffing them all into my book bag not caring one or two about whether or not they were bent to hell or not. All I cared about was-

*Ding*

Dinathepussydestroyer13

Are you ready, groupie?

Els_constellations

Since when is your user that!?

Dinathepussydestroyer13

I figured if I was gonna give my social to a hot band chick, it better be memorable. It's hilarious, admit it.

Els_constellations

Ha. Ha. So funny. I thought you and Jessie were back on?

Dinathepussydestroyer13

Yeah a week ago, thought you'd know us better than that Einstein.

Walking down the hallway, deep in my conversation; rushing to get out I accidentally bumped into a door frame. Sending me looking straight up to make sure no one saw that. After realizing I was clear, I cursed myself out and huffed. I continued swiping on the very cracked iphone 6. "Jesus Ellie get it together."

Els_constellations

lol, Anyways I just got out of class. You have the tickets?

Dinathepussydestroyer13

Yes Mom, now if I pick you up later and you aren't wearing the most obvious, "hey I'm gay and single" outfit. I'm shoving you into a push up bra of mine.

At the threat I gasped aloud, fastly tapping back.

Els_costellations

You wouldn't dare. >:(

Dinathepussydestroyer13

Oh but I would. >:)) NOW GET READY, ILL BE THERE IN AN HOUR.

It was Friday night, me and my best friend, Dina since preschool; WERE ABOUT TO SEE MY FAVORITE BAND. Fangs and all. I had first heard th when I was flipping through the radio in Joel's truck. When they came on, instead of Joel immediately swatting the dial he paused. Gruffed for a moment sure, but when our ears landed on each thrum of the bass chord, his fingers tapped the steering wheel, my heart soared. Sadly Joel wasn't able to go of course with his contracting job he'd been into recently, but since I showed Dina them about a couple years ago and made her ACTUALLY listen to it a couple months ago...she now just last Wednesday was rambling about getting a tattoo from one of their songs that read, "Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud." Which I don't blame her for because it was this entire 5 genre clashed into one song, which caused a symphony of layering and then the entire instrumental went silent and then the lead singer, WHO IS ALSO THE BASSIT! sick right!?! She just sounded like she took it from the bottom of her lungs, bottled up for so long and threw it out into the world hoping someone strong enough would catch it- DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HER. She's only a year older than me. EVEN WHEN SHE TALKS ON TV SHE SOUNDS INTELLIGENT. Definitely one of the first people I ever mast- shit where was I. Jesus Ellie rambling to yourself again

Fuck. I gotta get ready, what to wear...sweats? Nope. Dina will absolutely murder me and bring the most tragic thing over here to push me into.

Shoving ten flannels and sweatshirts out of the way I found a white cut off tank top, old and grown out of, some holes here and there. The cut off exposing my arms and my v line down to my baggy-ish washed out jeans. Hanging lowly around my waist. I looked in the mirror. I thought I looked decent, by decent I mean completely in my head, swallowing and choking on my own salvia. About to crawl out of my own skin before Dina basically busted down my door to tell me how good I looked and for once in my life I actually listened.

Eventually we made it, we FUCKING made it. It was breathtaking, the concert stadium that is. Yet that might have a little to do with the blunt Dina and I shared to counteract the pile of anxiety eating away at me.

Scarlett's pov:

Waking up this morning to banging on my door after a hangover from last night- oh let me go ahead and inform you. My drummer Vick had the great idea to dare me to drink the rest of the beer pong cups, saying I wouldn't do it. And I know what you're thinking, "Scarlett why wouldn't you just say yeah exactly, I won't." Well that's because my family is a bunch of role models and if Im not used as the child to compare to as a bad example, Id be useless. So continuing on, I woke up to my guitarist, Trace banging on my door telling me we made it to Austin.

"YEAH I CAN HEAR YOU, ASSHOLE." I said rolling over, barely seeing through my hair in my eyes. "GOOD, NOW DO YOU HAVE A CIGARETTE?" She asked through the locked door. I groaned in response into my pillow. I then forced myself out of bed to the door, unlocking it as I made my way over to my nightstand pulling out a carton. Her following behind me. I sit down on the bed, pulling on pants. "Here, needy." I say throwing the rest of the pack at her after pulling one in-between my lips. She laughed as she pulled a lighter out.

"You excited? Gonna getcha a cowgirl?" She said nudging me after lighting my cigarette. I rolled my eyes, "if I'm lucky, I'll be the cowgirl and she'll be my ride for the night." She arches an eyebrow at me, "RIGHTTTT, because you're totally gonna take groupie in. You know how you are, you flirt and then you never bring a fan back. If you do it's not a fan, it's some chick from a gay bar."

I take one last quick puff off of my cig before replying, "OUUU fuck me for keeping one moral intact. I just...don't wanna take advantage of them. You know?" She starts to laugh, "I would say yes, but I'd be lying. I love me some emo cowboy groupies." She then presses a cowboy hat on my head she somehow managed to snuggle in here and runs off.

~later~

Spritzing a lingering fragrance onto my skin as a finishing touch, I looked into my mirror one last time to see :Hair fluffed and free, metal necklaces down my cleavage to my mid-waist, dark eye makeup with glitter highlighting my eyelid, light makeup if any on my actual face, freckles in full bloom across my t-zone. Lips plump, teeth whitened, Darkest green jacket caressing my curves as it flows to my knees, cropped silver and black lacey top that flowed into bell like flowy sleeves under my jacket, tits barely over flowing, matching skirt, and finally combat boot like heels. Rings, bracelets, piercings, all jewelry of any kind as well as tattoos could be found at least once on me. I looked good for a concert anyways.

Leaving my dressing room I was immediately offered shots and weed. Passing everything for now other than a single clear shot, I passed by Tracey, looking annoyed by Sebs room my other guitarist. "You okay?" I asked just to quickly be cut off by "OH FUCK- daddy RIGHTTTT THEREEE!" extremely fake pornographic sounds to leak from his room.

"I've knocked four times." She said before cocking her head to suggest giving it a go. I rolled my eyes as Moans continued leaking through the door. I started pounding on the door after knocking three times. Finally with ten minutes before show time, I kicked the door, "HEY BUMPY DICK, WICKED WITCH OF THE PORN STUDIOS CALLED, SHE WANTS HER NOSE BACK. " 30 seconds later a girl with terrible hair and clothes came RUNNING out. Leaving my pendejo of a guitarist at the door, "did you really have to ruin my hard by using child movie terms?"

I scoffed, "Did you really have to waste my time spending two hours trying to find a girls clit? Next time ask fucking Siri." I finish before hitting him in the back of the head. Trace left to inform him of the time crunch left before curtain.

Eventually my band was in position, 25,000 all in one stadium. The cheering coming to a silence as tradition once our green screen begins to project our new clip, (a clip is a video we make of the album genre we're about to play, which we change every show.) As soon as that's over, I strum the bass one time as I finally reveal myself from behind the enormous speaker. Smiling at the camera, I stick out my tongue as my entire band lays into the chords and drums.

Ellie's pov:

Dina had managed to push her way to the first three rows, dragging me along. When I tell you I was RESURRECTED BY THE SIGHT OF THE GODDESS OF A WOMAN. Suddenly the air was thinner, my boxers were tighter- shit I'm no better than a man.

Dina leaned over to me, "If that woman had a dick, id want to have her BABIES." She said causing my face to heat up and hers to scrunch in humour.

Minutes later, Dina had made it front row, screaming the lyrics. By this time I was in another plane of existence, the high chilling in my blood, my favorite band of all time in my fucking presence. It couldn't get better. Until it did.

Scarlett viper was beating the last chords out with her fist when she slung her bass, Tracey migalister sending a soul wretching GUTAIR solo through the air as Scarlett ran to the strip of stage near me. She looked down, at me? No. My weed had to have been laced. Fuck, did I die? Am I in heaven?

Yeah. Her siren like eyes bored into mine as she strutted, curving every step she took towards me, still singing the last lyrics as she stripped her green long jacket off. Maintaining eye contact and stripping would have me on the floor passed out, but the way her plump lips curled onto the words, "wanna savour every drop." Caused screams across the entire acre of land. Jealousy. Out of 25 thousand people, she was putting my set of eyes in a trance. It's definitely for effect right? That is until she laughed at Dina who was fanning me and pointing at me, which I didn't realize. Next second I knew Tracie the FUCKING legend had walked over, fingers like lightning looking for a tall structure on the chords. Bending down to us, Infront of Dina. She leaned back on her heels, back arched as she ripped the song into pornographic sounds from the gutair. Holding eye contact with Dina she picked Scarlett Viper's jacket up threw it to me, landing it on my face then taking her literal FAMOUS pic after licking it and handing it to Dina. THESE TWO ITEMS COULD GO FOR MILLIONS. yet all it did was make me wet.

Dina and I looked at each other and started to fan girl, screaming, grabbing each other. "IM NEVER WASHING MY FACE AGAIN." I screamed as I pulled the jacket off of my face. "IM NEVER TOUCHING ANOTHER MAN AGAIN WHILE THAT WOMAN IS ALIVE, OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHY DOESN'T SHE LICK MY PUSSY LIKE THAT." Half cringing, half laughing at Dina, I was interrupted by a strong set of hands touching both me and Dina.

Us both ready to swing and defend ourselves we're quickly let down when it was just a tall, muscular girl handing us weird necklace things. "These are backstage passes, the band sent them down to you two."

[lowkey-ok]

I think that I need to realize this was a nightmare I couldn't control my actions in.. that wasn't me, though going by the same name that isn't me.. I might be looking into it to far but before I went to bed I was recounting a lot of the stuff I have regretted over the years, so I was up for like an hour doing that and I felt justified to off myself... though I am probably not going to do that I feel like I could and it would only effect people for a month max. But it would effect me permanently, sometimes I think I am going crazy.. just the amount of time I spent drawing and staying in my own head is maddening just the thoughts alone are enough to make me want to perish. Just constantly thinking about, "I should kill myself after college" just thinking for the perfect time to kill myself. Though I bet I won't kill myself it's still there and will always be looming over me... bearing it's teeth presenting me with the easiest way out for anything.... giving up

But I am not ready to give up yet, I guess... I just don't think it's the right time, it may never be the right time... but if it does at least I will know that I am ready. I hate my brain.. this is exactly why i am going to the doctor tomorrow, I don't want to keep thinking everytime I open a door "if the lights on imma kms" then the lights on so I hobble over to my couch and sit down for a moment staring at the Tylenol bottle, I begin to tear up as I relocate to my bed where I lay hugging my panda stuffed animal as the usual and most comfort way to lay down... then when I gain the strength I go to the bathroom and realize as I look in the mirror... I look like shit, I go to grab my tooth brush and it isn't there.. I continue to search for it, I find it on the shelf of my shower/bath and I remember, oh yeah I put it there so I would remember to shower and just brush my teeth in the shower... I turn on the water and the loudness scared me and I check the time, it is 11 at night... not very late but my parents go to bed at 9 max, so I just grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth... then I sit back on the couch and start drawing again. I am both glad and terrified of going to the doctor today but I am sure I will come back with medicine that will make me better. I don't want to keep having breakdowns in front of people. They view you a lot differently when they find out I crumble like poorly made graham cracker crust. You can feel when someone is treating you differently... I don't care that I am fragile just treat me like everyone else, I don't want to be treated differently because of my brain is screwed... personally I would rather not think about how my brain is screwed in public. Though inevitably after around 3 hours, three hours is still a lot of time... the max I can handle for social situations if they are with 3 or more people I know is 2-3 hours is btw. With one I can go 6 with no issue. But if it is a specific friend I can go all day and all night.. I showed my section leader my post about band camp before it started.. the one about bean dip and I told him to not find my profile, I can only pray to the gods that he doesn't.. I have enough faith in him that he won't and he people won't but you never know curiosity killed the cat and I would rather be the mouse in the hole in the wall waiting to get some poison cheese or get caught in a mouse trap, anyways enough with the analogies I should probably get up and get some water... I still feel like shit from that dream, bye

[thornhilljosie]

The morning after Adam's first overdose, he sat on the front porch outside. It was May in Georgia, the air already thick with heat in the late AM. I went outside to smoke, and he looked up at me, "You are saving my life."

I scoffed, brushing it off. I realized he was referring not just to being there last night, but also helping him get off drugs. Who wouldn't have helped him, though? Who could leave another human to die when they were sick? Who could walk away? It did not even occur to me as an option.

"No," he said, waiting to catch my eyes. "Look at me. I'm serious. You're saving my life. Thank you."

I didn't know how to respond. I took a drag off my menthol cigarette and told myself he'd been narced many times before by many different people. I was nothing special.

He got out his red journal and wrote. I made eggs and pancakes, came outside to smoke again, found him writing still. I took a shower, came outside to check on him. He was writing still.

"Give me a minute," he said every time I stepped outside to remind him to eat breakfast. He was not a writer, but when he handed me the journal, he had filled seven pages addressed to me.

In my anger, months later, I ripped every page out of that journal. I shredded them and screamed, pressing my index finger into his chest. I roared, "You NEVER fucking loved me! You're a monster! I hate you."

Those pages are lost forever because of my anger. I only remember fragments from the pieces of paper I tried to fit and tape together:

I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't been there last night. You saved my life.

Do you think I haven't woken up before in my own vomit in a gas station bathroom? And what a shit way to die… pun intended.

This has been a problem of mine for a long time, and I tried to keep you away from me. I tried not to love you. I didn't mean to, but I do. How can I not? I love you, and I'm sorry… When I ripped up the pages and spit insults after he flirted online with another girl at work, I "split" on him as I have on many others throughout my life. My perspective became black and white, and I saw a monster instead of victim to a disease. He became a villain, taking advantage of a girl 11 years younger than him. I saw nothing but a one-dimensional narcissist instead of the fully formed human rife with flaws and strong points, unique weaknesses and strengths - the human I had fallen in love with.

I was too hard on myself. When I looked in the mirror, I only saw a collection of flaws: angry, moody, anxious, reclusive, closed off, jealous, insecure, snobby, and sometimes even psychotic. I didn't think that I was easy to love. I hurt people because I was in pain. I didn't mean to, but it was no excuse. And so I avoided my family, I broke up with boyfriends, I didn't answer the phone, and I said to myself:

You are broken and your shards cut the ones you love. You have to hide to protect them.

When I found someone who hurt me like me, who hurt other people without meaning to, I thought, Oh, I understand this. I can do this. I know what it's like to be hard to love.

And so, within a day or two, I forgave Adam for messaging other women behind my back. I forgave Adam for stealing money from me to buy heroin. I forgave Adam for everything because I thought true love was unconditional. He was trying to cheat? No, it was just harmless flirting. He was going through a lot, right? And heroin lowered inhibitions, right? It wasn't his fault.

And so, we loved each other, and we hurt each other, and we tried to get better and stop hurting each other, but it was also all we knew because we were sick. And I think, in some way, Adam and I believed that love was supposed to hurt, that we deserved it.

[unfilteredgrounds]

Scraps

CW: I don't plan on anyone reading this but this is a public profile and I want people to be informed so if for some reason you are here and have peepers on this, please be aware that this post will talk about triggering topics involving eating.

I never thought that I'd be someone who struggles with food. It's kind of surprising that I'm surprised, considering the wii fit board called me morbidly obese when I was in middle school (I was tall for my age and the BMI scale is a lie) and my mom immediately whipped out the weight loss stuff. My mother has never modeled a healthy relationship with food, so how I'm shocked I struggle to eat sometimes is beyond me. I should be more surprised it took this long, I guess.

I used to be made fun of for my thighs. I should point out, I have always been a normal weight. Like, medium. Moderate. Neither fat nor skinny. Just a kid. But I have always had big thighs, along with what my mom called a J-Lo booty. I never was one to be insecure, until that stupid piece of plastic said that I was unhealthy. Oh, my mom hated that word. The only reason we even had a wii was because it was the only consul that I could convince my mom to let me get, because you had to move in order to play (she was convinced that video games make you fat at that time).

So, when I got super upset at the board, mom broke out the measuring tape, the fat pincher (literally a thing that pinches your body and allegedly shows you how much fat you have grasped in its plastic claw), and a walking podcast for fitness. She never made me diet to her credit (though I didn't get to have any chip bags or dessert snacks until high school), but I was upset at the way my body looked nonetheless.

And then, I wasn't. I had bigger fish to fry I guess, and years went by without me ever having to think about how my body looked. Until this school year. Going to grad did a number on me, and the kitchen set up was atrocious. At undergrad, our dining hall had tolerable food, and I usually had someone to walk with me to the mildly crowded dining hall. The dining halls at grad school? Terrifying. So many strangers crammed into one building, so much noise and chatter and other sounds that would be entirely overwhelming, not enough prep for me to feel like I could get food without looking like an idiot (I say this as if I ever went there. I didn't.), it was just too scary. I know, what a whimp of me. But if I can't eat because I'm too overwhelmed and anxious then why go to a dining hall in the first place?

So I didn't. I did my best to try and meal prep, I really did, ut then I got busy, then tired, then busy again. In order to cook for myself, I had to walk from my dorm all the way to the kitchen, where there would be people gathered usually who would always fucking stare at me and it was just too much to do by myself. Sounds really pathetic again, but what can I say, that's who I am.

I'd eat junk food for meals, then wonder why I felt like shit. I didn't realize just how much of a tole it had taken until I went home in October, to which several people, including my mom, said "wow! you've lost weight, you look good!"

Did I look bad before?

Imagine the shame of not doing one of the simplest things to take care of yourself, having negative results in your health because of it, and then being praised because you lost weight. Weight that you never noticed in a negative way. I know they didn't know. I know they just thought they were giving a compliment because they were raised in the era where pencil girls were in, but shit, man. I had been skipping meals. Actively not eating. And I already felt like shit because of it.

I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards, and only one word came to mind, and it wasn't "hot." It was frail. Suddenly, my collarbones were much more noticeable, but in a "not eating way" not a flattering way. I felt like I looked sick. Nothing crazy, mind you, I'd only lost a few pounds, but my muscles were nowhere near where they were usually. Suddenly, things were too big. And when you aren't intending to lose weight, that's fucking scary.

I've been trying to be better. 3 meals a day. And it's mostly been better since I've been home. But recently, when things started getting bad, three full meals dropped to one. With some snacks throughout the day to keep me going. It's not an intentional thing. I just can't. Sometimes nothing sounds good. Sometimes I'm tired of having to make every meal myself, so I choose no meal. Lately I just haven't been hungry, and I don't know why. But I'm trying.

Even my comfort meal had to be forced the other day. I love eggs with rice and some soy sauce, it's easy, it's one pot, and it tastes good, and you can add stuff according to your energy level. But last night, I had to force myself to eat it. I just wasn't hungry. But... I have to eat. Why does it feel like my body and my mind are working against me?

And then there's the mirror. I know I'm not actually wasting away. I'm fine. But I look at myself and just notice my bones more than anything else (and they're not even that noticeable!). I hate it. My mom is literally bones and sinewy muscle, and that's scary, because I go to hug her and she feels like she weighs nothing. Am I going to end up like that? God, I hope not. The thought is terrifying.

Why I am always at war with myself is beyond me, but I'll tell you this: it is so fucking embarrassing. And sad. My partner doesn't trust me when I say I ate, and he's right for it, but how silly is that? That I, now, even struggle to do a basic thing?

God, I'm tired of being such a hassle to myself.