#only because I may be moving at some point soon and wanted to reduce the number of tanks

[sims3fiend]

Some dumb sims 3 updates/stuf

Or, how to develop severe brain damage in 10 easy steps.

Sooo… This is going to be more of a blog post than anything of any real substance, more of a whinge with maybe a few teasers for some stuff I may or may not release (probably not). Feel free to skip if you're after hot tips or coherent writing.

Stutter "fixer"

Sooooo…. The sims 3 has some stutter issueeesss… Incredible discovery, I know! I started looking at remedying them with settings, found some hidden settings that help reduce some of the issues but that can only do so much when the game was made in 2009 for 2009 computers.

So I had a looky at some things I thought could be causing it, mainly WinAPI functions because that's the easier route (h-haha…), and started to try to "optimize" some of the more common ones:

ReadFile: Was the first, and looking at the sheer volume of like 12783972198 calls a milisecond every time you move the camera, I thought surely I can speed it up a little r-right. Not really. I tried all sorts of… interesting things, file caching in memory, implementing the overlapped flag (took ages), etc. Oh and the performance increase? Literally nothing. It's called weirdly from wherever it's called and so we must suffer.

Threads: So, I had a look at other areas that were potential targets for speedup, ran an actual profile and it showed a problem areas namely threads and some other stuff I don't remember. ZwWaitForMultipleObjects and WaitForSingleObject take up a lot of time, so I very poorly attempted to optimize them, adding some timeout optimizations (and a bunch of other failed attempts). Despite being the most insane, this actually worked, and I got like a 40% speed increase in a very very niche metric that did not noticeably effect the game one single bit. I plan to combine all my failures into a single script eventually, maybe once combined they'll do something…

Actual insanity - Memory IPC: Then I had an idea, everyone hates e12, why don't we shove the games memory into another process and that'll fix it. No brain moment. No clue what past me was thinking, for some reason I thought you could like, access another processes memory if it was spawned from it, but uhh.. no, that's not how things work… I tried a few other things in a similar vein but it just crashed and crashed, so for now I'm just gunna work on:

Alloc/free mee - Current insanity: Currently, I'm still working on VirtualAlloc and VirtualFree (which is what I was redirecting to another process), but more from an optimizing memory usage standpoint than a… whatever the IPC thing was. There's a lot of things to try, and I've had some luck in some areas and some abysmal failures in others. There's a few promising functions calling VirtualAlloc/Free that seem to be potentially pointing towards memory leaks (004e54d0), but I'm too dumb to investigate that. At the moment, I'm going mostly just gathering more logs which takes forever and hurts my brain real bad.. On testing there's like 180 allocs that we could probably yeet no problem, which is like 750mb saved… Maybe idk.

I have plenty of ideas for deduplication, memory pool implementations to reduce churn/fragmentation, shoving things aggressively into pagefiles if they're not being used, etc. etc. Basically, there's a lot of avenues to explore, and I feel like there's potential… though I've definitely said that before and been dead wrong so…

Anyway, rambling over. I plan to release a dumb little renderer settings mod maybe-soon-ish that'll let you do dumb stuff that might be useful for reshade like turn shadows/drop shadows off and post processing off and on. I guess I could add max lots and other settings eventually too since they're static values.... Might also do a mythbusting post for some performance "tweak" stuff I see thrown around that isn't super accurate but I also don't want people to be angry at me so maybe not.

Sorry to whoever read all this, but also thanks :)

[maple-writes]

There is such a RANGE of how people treat fish and aquariums its insane and so many people don't know what they don't know when it comes to keeping an aquarium. Even just filters alone. I've known people who otherwise know a decent amount about caring for other kinds of animals have no idea what the filter actually does in an aquarium and think that if the water looks clear that means it's clean and healthy and have no idea about ammonia or the nitrogen cycle as a whole. I distinctly remember at my old job we got an Oscar in (someone couldn't take care of it anymore) while I wasn't there and they set him up in a tank (that was a bit small) with a fresh, "clean" filter and had no idea why I immediately ran and tested the water. Like no wonder he wasn't looking very lively the ammonia and nitrites were incredibly high and he could have died. Luckily we had a lot of other, well established aquariums that I was able to swap some filter media with but damn.

I feel like so many people think of fish as short-lived, almost temporary pets or something that is more of a decoration than a living thing in a tiny ecosystem and that probably lends itself to the over-maintaining of aesthetics over aquarium health. I keep having to explain to people that no, it's not a good idea to scrub everything in the aquarium all at once, no it's not a good idea to be regularly replacing the filter media for a "clean" one, no an algae eating fish like a pleco is not a must-have to "clean the tank" and also they grow longer than this fish tank is anyway, no you don't need to take out 100% of the water every time you do a water change, no an airstore with bubbles does not filter the water, yes you need a filter and so on and so forth. AAAA

Maybe because fish are easy and relatively cheap to buy and people like things that look "clean" and "tidy" and carry that over to their fish tanks without considering what a small, mostly closed system needs to thrive. And I can't even blame them for not knowing all this because fish seem to be the kind of pet that people think they know how to take care of because they're considered easy pets, and both media and some pet stores themselves perpetuate the idea of tiny, often gimmicky aquariums that are nowhere near suitable for a lot of the more popular fish.

Anyway, I'm super into aquariums and fish in general and I could ramble on about this stuff all day so I'll cut myself off here lol.

the aquarium hobby honestly drives me insane sometimes. coming into it as a guy who knows a lot about ecology (even tho i started my first tank less than a year ago), it immediately struck me as odd the sheer amount of cleanliness so many aquarists demand of their tanks. like constantly vaccuuming gravel, or killing snails, or freaking out about "pests" and insisting that everything be quarantined and washed and sterile before throwing it in the tank

like. you're creating a little microhabitat. there has to be a better way than ripping it apart every week because you -checks notes- think bladder snails are ugly

[yan-lorkai]

may i please request Idia, Azul, Jamil, and Floyd with a s/o that has a really bad sleep schedule, like literally can’t take naps and falls asleep at like 2 am and wakes up at 6 am. So they’re always really clingy and tired because of it

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ A/N: This is a mood. I started playing Mystic messenger again and like, my sleep schedule is all over the place because I refuse to lose even a single chat 😭. Needlessly to say but I'm sleepy all day but at least I'm getting a good ending for sure lol. Hope you enjoy this, darling!

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Idia himself has trouble sleeping. He keep turning around so many time that if you were to share a bed with him, you would woke suddenly. Nightmare, anxiety and fears plague his mind, thus he turns to the only coping mechanism he has: gaming. He plays the night away before meeting you. After that, his heart start to beat normally and he can finally breathe, he can finally rest for a second. And then he finds out you have a worse sleeping schedule than him. You sleep really late and wake up really early.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ For once he feels the need to be the responsible one, inviting you to sleepovers just so he can make sure that you will be sleeping at an acceptable time, reducing the time you spend in front of screens or any caffeine. You will be sleeping this night and the after, and the other after that. He'll made sure of it. Plus, having you around is so good and you're always touching him in some form whenever you have a bad night. He like it even though he still flinch and blush whenever this happens.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Though no matter how much he loves to have you cuddling his back or hugging him because you're sleepy and can't take a nap, Idia will have your sleep schedule fixed. There can only be one insomniac in this relationship and it's him.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ It's a bit difficult for Jamil, though not impossible, to know you're not getting enough sleep at night. He himself works till the late hours and rise together with the sun. Still there are noticeable signs: you clinging to him, irritability, impulsive thoughts, slurred speech, and then he starts to realize you don't sleep at all some nights, doing whatever you spent time doing. And Jamil scolds you like he would Kalim. He is listing every negative effect on your health, how not sleeping can impact you on the long run, how you should fix it.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ He make you some teas to sleep better, he'll even help you meditate so you can clear your mind. Though nothing he try works, so he casually move you into his room so he can keep an eye on you. He takes regular breaks when night starts to fall to see if you're still awake. If you are and he is free, which is rare, Jamil will lay down beside you and hold you tight, hoping that the warmth of his body and his soft humming can make you sleepy. If even this fail, he use the Snake Whisper to make you sleep.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Floyd is something else. He likes to experiment with how long he can stay awake before he succumbs to exhaustion, he does this often, laughing at the side effects the day after - though he also gets pretty moody the days he doesn't sleep. But only he can do this, you are required to sleep and take naps. He'll squeeze you gently on his arms, humming a little song while he pinch and poke at you to make you squeal. It's his way of telling you that he is here for you.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Despite his fickle and quick change of moods, Floyd can be soft sometimes. And when he wants something, he gets something; he'll read for you to sleep or tell all about his day and the things he did, the people he squeezed, the dishes he cooked, at some point, even more when he is holding you closely, rubbing your back and pressing kisses to your neck, Floyd knows you're bound to feel asleep soon.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Azul knows the importance of sleeping well. A well rested mind is capable of analyzing, of observation and various other things he needs to keep his business running. He can see how you struggle, often draping yourself all over him, mumbling slowly and yawning every few seconds. He knows you don't have been sleeping well. The motive he inquiry you about; and he create a sleep schedule for you when he learn it's because you have a bad sleep schedule, altering everything you do every day so you can have a practical schedule that fits your academic life and free time.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ While that's more easy said than done, Azul tries to coax you into sleeping in his room under the pretende of watching a movie or two. He is shy like this, don't mind him. He knows what's good for you and he can pamper you and take care of you when you are nearby, tangling you in his arms and blankets.

[ikeromantic]

Kenshin - Heat 🥵

for @scruffymctee This one is quite spicy. A little hotter than I intended when I sat down to write xD Approx. 1400 words of some very NSFW time with Kenshin.

Kenshin found Mai in the garden. He watched her from the castle eaves as she walked along the garden paths, checking on the new plants. Only a few months ago, this space was reduced to sand and rock. The casualty of a - a misunderstanding. Kenshin still felt a slight wobble in his gut as he thought about her getting hurt, but he understood now. 

There were days when he still wanted to wrap her in soft blankets and lock her away in a place nothing could touch her. Well, nothing but him. He loved her too much to put her beyond his reach, and she made clear she wasn’t having it anyway. Kenshin smiled, remembering her fierce love. 

She noticed him in that same moment and smiled back. “Did you finish your work for the day?”

“I did.” He stepped fully into the garden. The afternoon sun was warm, a golden heat that seeped into him as he moved from shade into the light. 

Mai gestured to the flowerbeds. “I’ll be done here soon. Then, if you want, maybe we can have dinner together?”

Kenshin nodded. As if that was even a question. Of course they would have dinner together. “You could come with me now. There are servants to care for the gardens.You don’t need to do this on your own.”

“I know.” She gave a soft laugh. “But I like seeing them grow and feeling like I had a hand in it. Besides, I kind of feel like this is my garden now. Destroyed and rebuilt all because of me.” 

“Then I should help too.” He moved to stand beside her, his gaze flitting from the seedlings to his love and back again. “What are we doing?”

Mai pointed to the soil. “I’m making sure it’s aerated and that they have enough water.” She handed him a small stick with three pointy ends. “Here, you can poke and I’ll water.”

They spent the next several minutes moving slowly along the flowerbeds. Kenshin didn’t think he would like such work, but doing it alongside Mai made all the difference. He could smell her light perfume, and watch the tumble of her hair as she bent forward over the plants. Sometimes, their arms or hips would brush up against each other, sending a pleasant electric tension curling through him. 

At the end of the flowerbed, where the path curved along an inner wall, she stopped. There was a bench here and Mai sat down on it with a happy sigh. “I think that’s all of them.”

Kenshin sat beside her, his eyes drawn to her face in profile. The line of her nose, the curve of her lips. He found himself still in awe of her. Of this - a life he’d never expected and did not deserve. She’d taken the broken pieces of him and helped him put them back together. There was no term of endearment, no words that could encompass how he felt about her.

“Hm? Do I have something on my face?” Mai rubbed at her cheek. 

She was so adorable that he couldn’t help himself. Kenshin hugged her, pulling her up onto his lap so that he could hold her more tightly. He nuzzled her neck, and kissed the spot beneath her ear.

Mai squirmed and giggled. “Hey! What’s this all of the sudden?”

“It’s not sudden.” He tilted his head to regard her. “I wanted to kiss you since the moment I saw you.”

Her cheeks flushed with heat, and she glanced down, suddenly embarrassed. “I - you know, you can’t just go saying things like that to a girl. It does things to my heart.”

“Good things?” He kissed the edge of her jaw. 

“Yeah.” She sighed happily and turned her face back to him, presenting her perfectly kissable mouth.

Kenshin took the invitation. His lips met hers with hunger. A desperation for her touch, for her body, that could never be satiated. It was a bonfire in his soul that burned for her every moment of every day. And when he could finally have what he desired, it only added fuel to that fire. 

Mai gasped at the intensity of his kiss, but did not shy away. Her need for him met his own. Her hands ran along his shoulders, down his upper back. Her fingers tangled in his hair, tugging, demanding.

He gave her all that he was with his lips and tongue. His hand slipped beneath her kimono and up her thigh, caressing her. He brushed the edge of her soft mound, barely hidden beneath the linen she wore under her clothes. 

That was when she did pull back, her eyes wide. “Kenshin! Not in the garden. What if someone sees? Or hears us?”

Kenshin’s lips curved up in a small, certain smile. “No one will interrupt. And I do not care what they hear.” 

This seemed to satisfy Mai’s moment of worry. She wiggled in his lap until her legs draped around his hips, leaning in to kiss him again.

He took the invitation and let his hand slip higher still, fingers delving into her depths. Heat and silk met his touch as he sought the little bead of her pleasure. Her gasp told him when he’d found it. His world shrunk to the fire of her lips and the pleasure he stoked with the strumming of his fingers below. The feel of her rocking against him, the breathy moans he devoured with his kisses. 

She called his name and cried out for god, made wordless, desperate sounds as he drew her on and out. His long, slim fingers curled inside her, thrusting in, sliding slowly out as she gripped him. All the while, his thumb stroked a rhythm on that hard little pearl. 

Kenshin felt her arch and tense, then came the tremors of her pleasure. He kissed her, his tongue plunging as deep into her mouth as his fingers did below. It was as if he sank into her, drowning in her pleasure, in this one perfect blaze of heat and passion. But he wanted more. Would have more. 

The linen undergarments tore easily as he pulled them away. Mai pushed his own clothes out of her way, as eager for what came next as he. “I love you,” he said hoarsely, his voice straining with desire and a passion too big for his heart to encompass. 

“I know,” Mai breathed. And then she sank down onto him and he lost himself in her. The heat between her legs, the softness of her breasts, her mouth on his. Every stroke sent a jolt of pleasure up his spine as she rode him. Her pace was slow, as taunting as his fingers had been only moments before. 

Kenshin ached for release, but she denied him, drawing him out as he had her. But he was not so patient in seeking his own pleasure. He stood and in one step had her pressed back against the garden wall. 

Mai laughed softly and then moaned as he took advantage of the new position. Her hands gripped his shoulders, holding to him as he impaled himself with brash, eager thrusts, taking care to run the length of his cock against her bead of pleasure. It made every motion a torment of sensation. Filled with him, jolted by that hard length caressing her most sensitive spot. She trembled, her hips arching to meet him. 

He felt her rising tension, the edge of another climax, one he would meet with his own. Kenshin buried his face between her breasts, kissing and licking the inner slopes, his lips seeking the hard points of her nipples as he nudged aside the frustrating fabric of her clothes. 

Pleasure, when it came, hit him with a blinding intensity. Between one thrust and the next, his body came alive with heat. A roaring fire that burned through him into her. His body shook with it, his back arched. He muffled the breathy groan against her chest as she curled against him, shuddering in her own pleasure. 

Exhausted and soaked with sweat, Kenshin leaned against her, his hands braced on the wall. 

“We need a bath,” Mai breathed. “Gardening is dirty work.”

Kenshin laughed softly. “Well worth it.” He kissed her gently, savoring her mouth. Perhaps they could stay here for a bit longer, he thought. His legs shook a bit but there was still the bench . . .

Mai broke the kiss to give him a warning look. “Don’t even think about it. If we’re going for another round, it is going to be after I get clean.” 

“Then we should hurry to the bath.” He let her to the ground slowly, already missing the feel of her in his arms. 

[bauke1974]

So yeah, super casual user here, but I’ve been around Tumblr for a while and the news regarding Automattic’s decision is… not exactly unexpected.

They tried to keep Tumblr as much Tumblr as possible, while also needing to make it palpable for advertisers. Running servers is expensive. Like Really Expensive. Maintenance is expensive because the main expense is man-hours.

Tumblr wasn’t even breaking even on those base costs.

As an aside: It’s interesting seeing users go “good, fuck off and leave us to our posting” and seemingly not realizing that they are not going to have anywhere to post, soonish. Platforms are not national parks, they are private property.

I’ve been through this sort of thing several times on different sites. The big ones I still mourn:

A very niche design community, running on questionable technology (A Flash frontend!) and when that broke and got nixed I lost contact with everyone on there.

The other big one was a de facto abandoned message board for a famous author. No moderation beyond self-policing. Flamewars broke out and some got so mad they decided to make it unusable for everyone else, and when the owners finally stepped in, they just pulled the plug on the whole thing. Luckily by then I had learned the lesson:

Losing a platform is devastating.

Any community you cherish here is going to need to have a fallback community. (be that on a Mastodon server, on BlueSky or Pillow Fight or even Xitter) or it will be gone. Do it sooner than later, because it’s better to not need it after all. If you prepare, you’ll only lose 50 to 70 percent of your community. Part of that is because people still won’t get/feel the urgency until the site goes down, part of it is that they don’t want to/can’t deal with changing, part of it is that the backup won’t or can’t cater to the specific community (or is deemed not safe…)

The tight-knit community from the author’s message board moved to a home server and for me has has basically been reduced to an e-mail chain, but at least I still have some contact.

ETA: I’m a little more positive after Matt’s Q&A. One point that was made is that a small team may actually be better and quicker to react. There will not be any new features, because there’s no team working on “improvements”. Hopefully there will be enough people to make sure the site itself keeps working. Oh and Tumblr Live seems to have been a deal with an outside company and might be going away as soon as that contract is up.

[enjambedlife]

Goals for 2025

I used to be a little unhealthily into new years' resolutions--the allure of a fresh start is always strong, and I'd fall into the trap of thinking I could wake up on January 1st and be a whole different person. I also had a tendency to set goals that were like "do X thing every day," which meant as soon as I slipped up once, I'd ruined things for the whole year. (Yes, this was back when I was in a severe depressive episode and not managing my anxiety very well, why do you ask.)

Anyway, for the past few years, my tradition has been to wait until the first MBMBaM episode of the year drops, and put in on in the background while doing goal-setting for the year. Makes it a little more fun, and gives me some breathing room since on actual new year's day I'm usually recovering from partying and/or holiday travel. I have a looot of goals for 2025! But here are my ten main ones; I try to go for a mix of Big Important Life Things and stuff that's going to be fun/interesting.

Get a better job: Currently I'm freelancing which means I'm technically employed but in practice it's wicked unstable in terms of how much I'm actually making month-to-month, and I would like that to not be the case! Right now I'm in a dry spell with freelance work, so job-hunting is my full-time job and I'm being so brave about it.

Apply to grad school: For the maybe 2 people who've been following this blog since I made it, you may remember the period of time when this was a studyblr while I was doing an MFA, and then I dropped out due to various life reasons. It's been a couple years and I've thoroughly enjoyed not being in school, and also I really miss it! I'm aiming to get it together to apply to some local grad programs this fall.

Be on top of STI testing: It's one of those things that I've been a little too cavalier about honestly, and while I've gotten lucky so far in terms of not getting sick, I know I should be a responsible adult and actually get tested regularly.

Learn about different cooking oils and smoke points: This one came out of intense Christmas dinner planning with my sibling about the best way to roast potatoes. I'm not working in food service anymore (and hopefully I'll be able to avoid going back) but I still want to keep expanding my cooking knowledge and this feels like a next step for leveling up.

Do @batmanisagatewaydrug's reading bingo: Someone else already put it on Storygraph which is a slay. I want to get back into not only reading, but reading critically, so I'm going to try and write lil reviews of the books I read as well as hitting as many bingos as possible.

Finish first draft of novel: I have a plan I have an outline I have a scene breakdown I have weekly targets to hit surely this will be the year I actually finish a draft (← has never finished anything)

Ride every L line: I just moved to Chicago so this seems like a fun challenge to explore the city more! I use 2, maaaybe 3 lines in my daily life so I'll have to plan little quests to make use of the other ones!

Move to a bigger apartment: contingent on goal 1 of getting a better job, or maybe getting lucky and finding people I could be roommates with (I have the sensibilities of one of those fucked-up shelter dog that needs a home with no other pets or all their hair will fall out from stress) but I am really really hoping I don't have to renew my lease on this shoebox.

Keep in touch with long-distance friends: I made a lot of good friends through my seasonal job that I've now retired from, and I want to be more proactive about staying in touch with everyone since I won't be automatically seeing them every day for 5 months out of the year :(

Improve relationship with social media: This always feels tough because it's not as cut-and-dry as just reducing screen time; I genuinely feel like I get a lot of worthwhile stuff out of social media (see above point about long-distance friendships). I think my focus this year is going to be a) using social media more intentionally, i.e. no mindless scrolling on the instagram explore page, and b) no using my phone as a distraction while doing another task--I want to be able to just watch a TV show without scrolling at the same time.

[revclver-jesus]

"I can cut it, you know."

The words are offered amidst a heated moment, but Shin's face is placid. He is entirely, utterly honest. The truth is, Shin hates having to fight. He hates it, but does so only because to not would be to leave his friends at risk. Better, for Shin, to fight in defence than to fight for the sake of harm.

But what if it could be avoided altogether?

"Your Persona. And I don't mean cut it to hurt you. I mean, I can cut it away. I can excise it from you, send it back to... To wherever Personae come from."

Abel shimmers into view behind Shin. In hand, that wicked longsword. His eyes, glowing red, are locked onto Takaya without fault. But he does not move, nor does he wield that sword threateningly. It is merely an extension of him, going where he goes, appearing where he appears.

"If we do... It won't be able to hurt you, to torment you. It doesn't undo what's been done to you, it isn't the sort of... Peace, I guess, that you want, but at least you..."

He frowns. He's sure this gamble will probably end in more hurt and bloodshed. He doesn't know that Strega wants to be freed from their nightmares. Maybe they see this as part of their mission, the suffering. He doesn't, can't, understand that.

Abel's sword is lifted, pointing at a space slightly above and behind Takaya. And, in the same motion, Shin's arm is raised, hand outstretched, imploringly.

"We can end it. Here, now."

✞  ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ He showed no fear all night, smiled at the threat of a blade, at pain, at simply the possibility he may not escape this fight and have to face death-- so be it! But that? Choice, bane of the inverted Fortune arcana, nearly paralyzed him with fear.

What they speak to is a child that has not had a choice for as far as his memories can go. Acceptance of this fact has been a battle hard fought, but he's risen again, wiser, able to guide others the same. He has people who put their faith in him, people he intends on dying beside. What is he without this cross he bears? Just some sick and abandoned orphan? No future, no history? Choice-- no, choice is an illusion. His only chance for a meaningful death is decided.

Golden eyes widen and tense as he staggers back from them, and then further still as the persona appears, and he was silent in his shock. He could nearly feel his own persona rearing back at the threat, pulling at the blood those doctors trapped this entity in, something mystifying reduced to mere tainted medicine in his veins. They were both sick, sick and sewn together like dying twins in his soul, and like dying things do they clung to each other and glared at what tried to separate them. How dare they offer to take this pain away-- don't they know he IS the pain?

❝ You understand... nothing, don't you? ❞ Its so frustrating. Enough to make the anger rise above the fear and give him the venom to seethe out the words. But his composure was broken, his voice shook. Was it fear or insanity seeping in? ❝ Is that your idea of salvation? Damning me to a meaningless existence, a powerless one? Helpless to stop the end of the Dark Hour? Do you really think I would choose to live in the mundane world-- a world I have never even known? ❞ He begins to strain to talk, curling in as though in pain, and soon the source of that pain was evident as he's forced to use his one free hand to pressure his head, that unnaturally strong summoning release already creating shockwaves through the air. He wasn't summoning willingly, it was coming out on its own.

❝ Hundreds... of children... died before my success! I did not walk through the valley of death just to have my gift ripped away from me! ❞ His persona tears its way out of him, despite how he tried to keep it contained, shattering into existence and lowering to weakly wrap its arms around his shoulder, as though its massive black wingspan belonged to the false prophet himself. Immediately he aims his gun.

❝ Kill me! Martyr me where I stand! But leave me with severed wings and I shall dedicate what remains of my life to riddling your skull with bullets! ❞

[edgewaterfarmcsa]

CSA WEEK 14

P i c k l i s t

watermelon - roma tomatoes - garlic - poblano pepper - 

Cherry tomatoes - carmen peppers - lunchbox peppers - carrots

THIS WEEK AT EDGEWATER…

We remain swimming in field tomatoes.  I believe the crop of plums might be at peak, or nearing peak yields right now.  The plants are dripping with fruit, and this abundance is simultaneously soul-nourishing-farmer-pleasing and totally overwhelming.  Being rich in tomatoes lends itself to a real feeling of urgency.  A crop based time crunch.  

For one, as soon as the fruit ripens, we have only so much time until the juice of the tomato bursts through the skin and rots the fruit.  The crew has done an incredible job of staying on top of the pick, however it is inevitable that some of the cherries and plums will rot before we move/sell/cook/eat them. 

The second feeling of urgency comes when the weather turns and the nights move toward fall and flannel.  This is that moment in between seasons that makes me want to harvest everything all the time by day and preserve via canning or freezing all the time by night.  This harvest rush makes for a real crazy person (i.e. me).

This week’s CSA share 100% reflects that crazy.  Please join me as we get into it and go deep with tomatoes.  By Sunday I expect everyone of your countertops to be tomato splattered and every dish piled high in your sink. But come JANUARY, you will be so pleased that you followed suit and took to heart the farmy foodie canny pro-tips.  

Let’s CAN people!

 (wait wait let me try again) 

We CAN do this!

FARMY FOODIE PRO-TIPS the canners edition: 

by far my fave way of preserving cherries and plums

It is simple and the only ingredients you need are tomatoes/salt/pepper/GARLIC/olive oil.

READ ON…

Cherry, grape or small Roma tomatoes

Whole cloves of garlic, unpeeled

Olive oil

Herbs such as thyme or rosemary (optional) Preheat the oven to 225°F. Halve each cherry or grape tomato crosswise, or Roma tomato lengthwise and arrange on a parchment-lined baking sheet along with the cloves of garlic. Drizzle with olive oil, just enough to make the tomatoes glisten. Sprinkle herbs on, if you are using them, and salt and pepper, though go easily on these because the finished product will be so flavorful you’ll need very little to help it along.

Bake the tomatoes in the oven for about 3 hours. You want the tomatoes to be shriveled and dry, but with a little juice left inside–this could take more or less time depending on the size of your tomatoes.

Either use them right away or let them cool, cover them with some extra olive oil and keep them in the fridge for the best summer condiment, ever. And for snacking.

JENNY’S NOTE:  Smitten’s slow roasted tomatoes stop there… but I am suggesting you take it one step further.  Let’s can :)

STEP 1: Prepare your jars and lids- clean them, dry them/ get em lined up and ready.  

STEP 2: Prepare your water bath (big pot with boiling water)

STEP 3-STEP 100: is an excerpt from Tart and Sweet: 101 Canning and Pickling Recipes by Kelly Geary and Jessie Knadler (Rodale, 2011). The excerpt is from Chapter 6: Summer. I am also going to provide their favorite recipe to can tomatoes in case you want to go the “whole” tomato route.  However, if you want to take your newly roasted tomatoes and skip ahead to the canning part, go ahead and ladle your warm batch of tomatoes into jars, skip to bullet point 3 and proceed with the lemon juice. But do not add water- any juice leftover from your smashed down cherry tomatoes is enough!

Canned Tomatoes 

• 12–15 pounds tomatoes, blanched, peeled, andcored • About 8 cups water per quart jar • 2 tablespoons bottled lemon juice (or 1 tablespoon per pint jar) • 1 teaspoon kosher salt (or 1/2 teaspoon per pint jar)

1. Leave the tomatoes whole or quarter or halve them, as desired.

2. Bring the water to a boil in a large saucepan (you may need more or less, depending on the size and cut of the tomatoes). Reduce the heat, but keep the water hot.

3. Place the appropriate amount of lemon juice and salt in each hot jar. Top with raw tomatoes.

4. Ladle hot water into the jars to cover the tomatoes, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Check for air bubbles, wipe the rims, and seal. Process quarts for 45 minutes, pints for 40 minutes, adjusting for elevation.

YIELD: 4 quarts or 8 pints

Ok DO YOUR BEST HERE PEOPLE! I Highly recommend you get yourself a copy of this book. It is extremely user friendly and chock full of all my fave ways to preserve. Writing it one more time for the boys in the back:

Tart and Sweet: 101 Canning and Pickling Recipes by Kelly Geary and Jessie Knadler 

And if you are not ready to can, but do want roast your maters go ahead and these little gems on toast, with eggs, by the spoonful, or make soup:

Roasted Tomato and Goat Cheese Soup from the cook book: lucid food

serves 4

12 ripe tomatoes

2 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed

1 yellow onion, coarsely chopped

1 tablespoon honey

2 sprigs fresh rosemary

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

4 tablespoons olive oil

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 dried bay leaf

1/4 cup fresh goat cheese

Preheat the oven to 425°F. Core and quarter the tomatoes and scoop out the seeds, reserving the seeds and cores for the stock. In a large bowl, toss the tomatoes with the garlic, onion, honey, rosemary, 1 tablespoon of the vinegar, 3 tablespoons of the olive oil, and a dash of salt. Spread the mixture on a baking sheet and roast for 40 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove the rosemary and set aside. Combine the tomato scraps, bay leaf, and 1 cup water in a pot and bring to a boil over high heat. Decrease the heat and simmer, uncovered, for 15 minutes. Strain the stock into a bowl and discard the solids. Rinse the pot and return the stock to the pot. Add the roasted tomatoes. Bring to a boil over high heat, then decrease the heat and simmer, uncovered, for 5 minutes. Let the soup cool for 10 minutes, then pour into a blender. Add the cheese and blend until smooth. With the blender running, add the remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil. Season to taste with salt.

Garnish the soup with the remaining 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar and a few grinds of pepper and serve.

[adamtheamazing5]

Time to get back into the swing of things: this means getting me ready to do 3D modeling again.

I decided not only to warm up my 3D Modelling skills but also to keep up to date with my animation and rigging skills while trying something a bit more advanced. Back in 2018, I made a similar 3D robot and animated it without any rigs or skin weights,

So, this time I’m going to make a more advanced robot which is a mechanical spider with double the legs, more geometry, bone rigs, and at least two animations instead of one.

The robot is not skin rigged organically, only skinned rigged non-organically. Meaning the parts won't easily flex or stretch, just rotate on certain parts of the mesh.

This also prepares me to make my own 3D models based on my imagination rather than relying on royalty-free assets to fill the gaps in game projects too much.

Original Model here:

WHAT I LEARNED

• In Autodesk Maya, you can use layers to switch on or off image panels and 3d models.

• In Unity, I learned you can turn off compress animations, with a single click to make exported animations look how it was animated in Maya rather than slight auto changes when exported in Unity. This reduces potential landmines in animation exports.

• Creating IK for the legs so I can move them by dragging connected circle pivot points (once created) on the feet to move them around without dragging their bone rigs making animating much easier to execute.

• In Autodesk Maya, Moving bone rigs, not in organic movement but more robotic. E.g. rotating from capsule joints.

• How effective it is to break things down simply piece by piece until it gets to a complicated 3D model.

• Creating bone rigs from scratch on the body and each leg rather than using Maya’s default humanoid rig.

• Making bone joints connected with the cylinder joints in the legs in the center so they can be rotated accurately.

WHAT WENT WRONG? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE BETTER?

• I had some rigging issues for the spider along the way, I thought I could export the body and the rig together for the Unity game engine, even though it was skin painted, it could not be exported as a complete model. It might be due to how the geometry is parented with child objects that caused exporting issues.

• I wanted to animate the fangs to move and rotate, but I couldn’t because the geometry was not straight, so I need to make sure they are straight next time so its easier to animate and they don’t look like they are wobbling around like it was about to fall off.

• I didn’t really organize the layers and geometry very well including their names, so I need to get in a better habit of organizing the groups and naming conventions.

• I couldn’t get the rest of the parts on each leg to sync with the walking animations, that’s why in the final render I had to take them off and just have the main legs themselves. I am going to try to keep warming up my rig and animation skills so I can get those extra parts to move and rotate with their main legs during animations like walking.

OVERALL:

• I was going to try to test the mechanical spider model, rig, and animations in the unity engine, but the mesh blew up and the animations didn’t respond well to the mesh despite it being paint skinned.

• It’s been a while since I rigged a 3D model in Maya, I may need more practice before I export well-polished 3D models for my next games. I had a lot of problems doing this, it didn’t really help that the tutorial for the mechanical spider I did was outdated, so next time I need to find a more updated one to teach me to make better 3d characters.

• Even though it was tough, I managed to work my way around it as much as possible almost matching the intention with execution perfectly, but yet again: I will still need more practice.

• Other than that, I’m happy that I tried some new techniques that can be used to make characters including robots while catching up with skills I haven’t used for a while.

[justimagineit26]

A compilation of notes I’ve taken from books, therapy, podcasts and just thoughts I’ve had over the past couple of years…

I call them..

Little life notes

I think we can all recognize how short life is. You blink and five years have gone by. But something that I don’t think we pay enough mind to is how short the ability to really live is.

We are the constructors of our own wounds.

We don’t have to be broken to get better.

There is a difference between walls and boundaries.

I have a complicated response to sexual intimacy. Casual sex is not okay for my mental health. There is almost always pain associated with casual connections because in those fleeting moments there’s always that thought of “this is all I’m worth.”

I was drinking in order to reduce my values. I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to settle for.

When we are so hurt that we are controlling our level of connection with people. We are actually hurting people… we are responsible for OUR PART of everything.

Take ownership of what you can and absolve yourself of what you could not control, what you were not aware of or what the other persons bullshit was.

I am attracted to unavailable men because I know that it is impossible to get past that certain point of the potential of being truly, deeply hurt by them.

Taking ownership is not about shaming or blaming yourself. It’s about freeing yourself.

You may not be able to see your way through it. But if you can see your next step, you can keep going.

There is no such thing as a mixed message. Just a message that you misinterpret.

There is a difference between taking responsibility for how you reacted to a situation and taking responsibility for a whole situation.

Too often do we choose a familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven.

You end up wasting your pain by feeling it, sitting in it, hurting over it but doing nothing to grow or move on from it.

Where there is emotional triggers in your past, there is mastery to be learned. -Jordan Peterson

When we ignore the red flags, we continue to to create a story that gets more painful and more deep.

What we choose, we become. When we allow someone in to our life that treats us poorly, it means on some level we believe we are worthy of that. And if you don’t believe it, you’ll start to because you allow it.

Manifesting is not just imagining something happening for you. It’s realizing your worth and knowing what you want, and believing you will have it.

We all have our addictions or a vice. Some of them are just more socially acceptable. But they are all an escape from something.

Unconscious or lack of relational awareness will repeat the same patterns.

An idle mind is the devils playground.

When you wake up to your ability to choose, conscious choice, you become the God you were taught to praise.

Success isn’t directly correlated with how hard we work, our family name or our degrees. Success often times is directly with one’s level of worthiness. As soon as one believes they are worthy, those doors open up.

You don’t have to be attached to a belief. If a belief becomes wrong, you can shift.

We are giving the exact shit that we need to allow our highest expression to come to life.

Gratitude is the access point to abundance.

Be grateful for what you got because you got exactly what you need.

Women confusing anxiety/fear for attraction.

Learn to create intimacy with your own emotional interior.

Caring at the cost of self, is not caring. It’s codependency and it’s not good.

“No More Mister Nice Guy” by Robert Glover

Emotionally unavailable people are the only ones that find emotionally unavailable people attractive.

There is no act that humans fail at more than love and still don’t bother to learn about.

One of the most powerful tools in a relationship is having a deepening curiosity about your partner. Why they say what they say, think what they think, where they are coming from. When you’re curious, you can’t judge. You are creating space for empathy, you are discovering and expanding as a person.

In the space where you are compassionate to how the relationship is currently being, how that person is showing up, what their dreams are and their vulnerabilities, you are doing that for yourself in that moment. The more space you give them to be themselves, the more actual freedom you give yourself.

Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.

Anxiety is information/data. It’s our bodies way of telling us that something is not right or out of alignment.

What agreements do you live by that you know to be untrue but you still live by them?

Are you what you love or what loves you?

Where do you use something that stimulates dopamine that pulls you away from the feeling you’re uncomfortable feeling?

Humans have two needs, attachment to other people and belonging and the need for self expression and authenticity. But when self expression and authenticity threaten attachment…attachment wins.

Carve out some time away from distractions to ask yourself how you are doing. Do a self inquiry.

When you feel like you have nothing else to lose, like your life has completely shattered away. You have been left with the ability to reconstruct exactly who you want to be.

Humans think we have to experience deep pain in order to awaken when all you really have to do it decide.

Letting go of the righteousness of suffering allows you to be on the same level with everyone.

The antidote to defensiveness is to say “I can see some truth in what you’re saying.”

Trauma is anything that overwhelms the system’s capacity to process through the energy of that experience.

Until you become responsible for your life, you will look at your life circumstances and call them fate.

Fate doesn’t work for you unless you work for you.

Social comparison is a thief of joy.

Gaslighting refers to actions that cause someone to question their own memory, perception or sanity.

Between stimulus and response there is a space

And within that space is our power to choose

And within our choice lies our growth and our freedom

My extroverted tendencies have been more of an avoidance of sitting still

The most important words you will ever hear are the words you say to yourself

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to find resolution?

I tend to view a disagreement as an attack. It usually isn’t as everyone has their own feelings and opinions.

No matter where you go, there you are.

Book- Radical Self Compassion

My drinking wasn’t a problem to me. It was my solution. I had to find a better solution.

I can’t drink because I have a delicate mental state and I know that.

I quit because I don’t know when to quit. I quit because I hit rock bottom. No, I didn’t hit rock bottom in the way a lot of people do. No death, legal problems or anything like that. I lost you. And that was rock bottom for me.

What feelings am I feeling that are genuine and what feelings are being fueled by my mental illness?

You can’t curb the chaos until this thinking changes, until the foundation changes, until the chemistry changes.

As much as memory and experience is important to develop who somebody is, it’s more important to be in touch with who you are now and what’s happening now and figure out a way to not live in the past.

We have to trust other people in order to survive and have a full life. A part of being human is feeling things.

[zukuist]

𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐦𝐬

“just really random mannerisms they like about you”

my 1.5k special

fandom/s: 僕のヘロアカデミア // boku no hero academia [bnha]

includes: several characters

your name is shortened to y/n, gender neutral!

side note: lol i’ve been gone for 22 days 💀 so sorry for the wait guys! it was finals week during the first half of the month. but now that i’m done with the 9th grade, i can post more! there’ll be more to come later this week

thank you all for 1.5k !!

—

bakugō katsuki

— SPIN

when you do that cute little spin when you’re showing off your outfit for the day, especially before dates

he claims that he thinks it’s dumb, and that you should ‘knock it off’ or ‘quit fuckin’ spinning around like that’ but he actually thinks the opposite, believe it or not. he’ll still react like ‘🙄’ and smirk, like he’s going to make fun of you. however, if you look closely, that smirk of his is actually him smiling at you genuinely, and endearingly. i don’t think katsuki would be someone that would shower his s/o with presents constantly, especially with things like clothes (like.. you could just borrow his sweater, if you needed one) but! he finds himself buying you more clothes, just so you could sit him down, and do that little spin for him.

but, as to be expected of him, he’ll never outright admit that he finds it adorable. but maybe if you push the right buttons, the blond will admit it under his breath.

midoriya izuku

— GESTURING

when you start talking with your hands during conversations and debates.

usually, he’s the one that rambles, and you’re the listener. and though he’s very grateful that you’re his #1 listener, he also really enjoys returning the favor by listening to you too! especially when he gets to stare into those heavenly eyes of yours. but! how can he do that, if you’re the type to speak with your hands? there’s something about it that intrigues him to no end. izuku doesn’t point it out right away when he first notices, but he tends to stare at them like ‘👁👁👀👁👁’, not at all conscious of his own stare, and until someone, or something snaps him out of it. try not to tease him about it, he’s just so infatuated, it’s excruciating for everyone to witness.

he probably has this mannerism written somewhere in his notebook. it’s not at all creepy, but the fact that he thinks it’s important enough to be written in his notebook makes you happy.

todoroki shōto

— QUICK FIX

when you fix his hair, or appearance when he himself, doesn’t notice the disorganization

todoroki shōto is not a messy person. he’s organized, level-headed, and most of the time, he knows how to keep his appearance clean. but like everyone else, there’ll be that instance where he just.. doesn’t see it. and this is where you enter! he dislikes it a ton whenever people try to touch him, but when you do it, he really can’t find himself being angry about it, despite initially hating the idea of being touched without permission. if you’ll go out of your way to fix his appearance, he’ll be grateful! especially when you fix his hair, so his middle part is split nicely and perfectly.

of course, there are other things, like fixing his tie, and making sure that his collar is centered, and even smoothing down his eyebrows with your thumbs. sometimes, he’ll even mess up his appearance on purpose! he’s whipped.

kirishima eijirō

— SQUEAL

when you squeal whenever you’re surprised, and most especially when you see something you like and dislike

it actually does aid him a lot, in a weird sense. not sure if it’s because he finds these sounds helpful, or if he just finds those little squeals, and sounds of approval or disapproval adorable. it also helps him a lot, if you weren’t talkative in the first place. either way, it does help him navigate what you like or dislike. some may say it’s because it gives him an ego boost, or that eijirou gets a weird kick out of it, but it can’t be less genuine than this. whether if it would be a sound of adoration that escaped your lips when you received a post workout selfie, or if it would be a sound of disapproval when you feel the leftover hair gel in his scalp. either way, he finds it super adorable, 10/10.

but.. if you were to ask him, the faux red head would say that he liked your sounds of appreciation more than the ones of disapproval (duh). eijirou kirishima takes pride in making his s/o happy!

kaminari denki

— VICTORY DANCE

the victory dance you do whenever you accomplish, or win something

it’s actually quite iconic at this point. the first time denki witnessed it in person, he was elated, mesmerized. first of all, where did you get those moves? and second of all, do you know how attractive this actually is to him? at this point, he should pull out a camera every time you do your little ‘dancey dance’ because he would like to learn the dance itself. i don’t care if you think the moves are absurd or random, nah. absurd is out of the question, because denki will just admire you, as you danced cheerfully.

people will sometimes ask him “out of all of the things he could’ve found cute, he chose this?” and he’ll just be like “yep.” shamelessly.

shinsō hitoshi

— TOYING

when you start toying, or fiddling with his fingers out of nowhere

please, as if this man’s oblivious about his level of attractiveness. newsflash, he’s aware. he knows that some people like his hands, but in his honest opinion, hitoshi doesn’t know why. he doesn’t have a physical quirk, so he doesn’t need to rely on his hands 100% of the time. but that doesn’t mean that this habit of yours didn’t catch him by surprise. you even did it when you guys weren’t officially together so, he kind of just.. allowed you. so that’s how things are. you’d talk to someone, and your hands would reach to play with his fingers under the table, and when you were a bit nervous than usual, you’d do the same.

he didn’t have to ask you too much about this habit, raising a brow when you first did it, only to receive a sheepish look in return. either way, he finds this habit really cute, and he’ll even start offering you his hand.

amajiki tamaki

— GRASP

grasping onto his hand, especially when you’re anticipating something, or when you’re nervous

he’s usually the one that needed some form of encouragement, support, or comfort. it’s always been that way for him, and there’s a part of him that desperately wished that he just woke up with mirio’s personality. he wishes he could be stronger, and the timid soon-to-be hero wishes there was an instant remedy. which is why, tamaki loves this habit! yeah sure, it flustered him, reducing him to being beet red, and a stammering mess, but moving past the first touch, he adores it. i mean, he doesn’t know if there’s a way he could say it, without making it seem weird but.. it feels nice, knowing you’ll grab onto his hand for comfort.

it makes him feel.. strong. knowing that he’s the one that’s doing the comforting, and not the other way around like how it’s always been. even if not a lot of words are exchanged during these times.

monoma neito

— FOOT POP

when you go to give him a hug or a kiss, and your foot lifts off the ground

yeah, i’m kind of referencing the princess diaries here. but out of everything neito could find cute, this would be at the top. man didn’t notice it at first, because well.. he’s usually kissing you, too absorbed to even notice anything else. but when he realizes it when your foot pops at a little peck on the cheek, he’s proud, boastful like how he usually is. this habit is very dreamy to him, something straight out of a old romcom, or a fairytale. to him, a good kiss would also be defined by this habit. he’ll smirk, “ohoh, your foot did the foot pop! guess i’m that good” he wants to see more of this little habit (habit or not, he still wants to see it)

he’ll boast about this cute habit to everyone, especially when the chance to boast arises. “can you make your s/o’s foot pop?!” he’ll erupt in laughter, absolutely proud of himself despite everyone not really knowing what that even is

—

© zukuist 2021, bnha|mha belongs to horikoshi kohei. do not steal ❕

[misschifuyu]

hii <3

i would like to request a headcanon with kazutora, chifuyu mitsuya having sex with their s/o please? if it's too much feel free to ignore it :)

thanks <33 have a nice day/night

- hi there my love !! don’t worry, this request is absolutely fine, and it’s actually the first full nsfw one so I do hope you like it

Kazutora, Chifuyu and Mitsuya general n/sfw headcanons

genre: smut. the characters are depicted as their present selves

warnings: explicit content & language.

Kazutora

jumping right into it, i feel that kazutora is more on the make love side rather than blowing your back out. sure, if you asked him to be rough on an odd day, he'd happily comply. he's just more on the softer side

this is mostly due to his past; he knows what he's capable of, even after all those years since his toman days, so he'd be very precautious not to hurt you in any way

you'll know when he's needy, like you just will. kazutora will turn ever to touchy and try to remain as close to you as possible when he's trying to get you into bed

he doesn't really need words, but he'll speak if you ask him to

"i...really need to be inside you"

don't think this translates as skipping foreplay, though

very much the opposite. kazutora loves feeling up on your soft skin, leaving faint marks with his teeth that would gradually turn into darker shades of purple

he quite likes marking you up, it's really the only thing that could be mildly classed as rough, as he'd frequently leave teeth marks. he adores hearing your voice when he'd catch you off guard with a particularly harsh bite, squirming beneath him

this man is an avid lover of giving oral

he won't turn down a blowjob, but he'd sometimes feel a little awkward whenever you did. he'd ease into it after a few minutes, but he still preferred pleasuring you instead

between your thighs is his favourite place to be, no matter the time of the day. whether you're laying on your back or hovering over his face, kazutora will keep you there for a good while, voicing out praises at you as he basked in your reactions

if his tongue wasn't too occupied, of course

"god, i just can't get enough of you"

make sure to praise him just as much. he absolutely loves hearing loving nicknames from you whenever you tell him how much of a good job he's doing

it gets him even more riled up, and would frequently grind himself against whatever surface you were on

speaking of surfaces, though the bed is the most convenient place to indulge in you, kazutora isn't picky about the location, so long as it's somewhere inside

he's been known to take you whilst you watched a movie, on a counter as you waited for food to cook, even up against a wall when he couldn't be bothered to make it all the way to the bed

as long as he gets to watch your face twist into one of pleasure, he really couldn't care less where it was

a key point when having sex with kazutora: pull his hair

it can be in a ponytail or loose, doesn't matter; he will let out the prettiest moans ever if you just so tugged gently on his locks

it's a sensitive spot of his, so be sure to use it wisely. it'll take him some self control to not go absolutely feral on you if you do, so its best you tell him it's okay to let go before you play with his hair

whenever you start reaching your high, no matter if he's over or behind you, he will bury his face into your neck and suck on the skin, emphasising the already noticeable marks

during aftercare - because this man will pamper you after a session, no matter how long or short it was - he will trace over the marks with light kisses, asking if any of them were still sore

and, of course, a shower will be waiting for you as soon as he's done with that. it's a perfect excuse to spend so more time pressed up against you; a double win, in his eyes

Chifuyu

let's get one thing straight: chifuyu is ready to get it on with you whenever and, frankly wherever. it doesn't take much to get him all needy and, more times that not, he will approach you with the intention of getting in your pants, no matter what you were doing

of course, he will ask if you're up for it, too - consent is key, people

see, he's a very touchy, affectionate person. he loves being around you and will take up any chance to be near you. sometimes, though, this need to be close to you will escalated into something more. even if you were simply cuddling, chifuyu will, occasionally, start to feel his pants getting a little too tight for comfort

when things get going, he is an absolute sweetheart. treating you with care, he will melt into your lips, hands roaming around your body. he's not very talkative during foreplay, but that's mostly because his mouth is usually occupied

however, once your clothes have been discarded, something with click inside of him, making his only goal to leave you in an absolute mess by the time he was done with you

littering your skin with kisses and subtle bites, he will run his hands along your sides, causing goosebumps on your skin that he'd always notice, a sly smile on his lips whenever he did

he's a tease. whilst you try and push your hips towards him, he will simply place kisses on your skin near the area you most needed him to touch

you're going to actually have to tell him what you want before you loose sight of the playful smile that hung on his lips

"that's it...wasn't that hard to ask, now was it?"

chifuyu will get right to the point once he drops his teasing act, though, and expect a good two to three orgasms before he decides he's done with you

when it comes to positions, he likes those in which he can be closest to you. skin on skin is his favourite feeling, and the closer his face can be to yours, the better

when he's pounding into you, he'll bring a hand up to your face. he'd hold it softly, contrasting from his rough pace, and whisper out a series of praises

"you look so pretty like this...does it feel that good? tell me, i want to hear your voice"

a fun thing about chifuyu is that he's a switch, a big one at that. if you find the impulse to flip him onto his back, or simply take over, he will automatically slip out of his position in charge

this is when you'll be able to hear his pretty voice. although he will start with small whimpers here and there, by the time he's edging towards his orgasm he will let out a string of soft moans, grabbing onto you in any way he can as he does

when he reaches his orgasm, his grip will keep you in the position you were in, his body stiffening up as his eyes would close shut

this will be applied whether he's in control or not, honestly. chifuyu loses most of his focus when he's nearing his high, only having enough to call out your name

he may be shorter than most of the guys, but he has one hell of a stamina. one round will never be sufficient for him, and he'd certainly be up to waiting for you to calm down until the next one if it meant he could make you - and himself - see stars again

this will be when, as well as during aftercare, he will give you soft kisses against your skin, massaging areas such as your stomach and thighs as he'd let out hums of happiness

as said before, he's a sweetheart. sure, sometimes you'd be sore after being with him, but he'd always make it up to you with the most perfect cuddling session afterwards

Mitsuya

mitsuya is very skilled with his hands, as shown by his talent when it comes to designing and creating magnificent fashion pieces

watching him work is quite the sight, and even more so if you're familiar with other wonders he's able to do with those fingers of his

but, to start off, know that it will take him some determination to start anything up with you

he's a busy man with a lot on his mind, so it would take him a bit to hold himself back from just jumping on you because of the growing stress that had built up throughout the day

he's a respectful man and, therefore, will take his time and look for subtle hints to see if perhaps you'd follow his lead

when you catch his drift, though, he will be all hands on you

sex is a perfect way to wind down from his hectic schedule, and he couldn't ask for anyone else better to do it with rather than you

oral is key during foreplay. he will start by making his way down on you, his voice speaking words of appreciation between the kisses he'd place on your skin

watching you writhe from the position between your legs was something he thoroughly adored, your body jerking with every skilled move from both his mouth and his fingers

after a good few minutes of pulling his hair and high pitched moans from your behalf, he will lift himself away from you. this will be your turn to switch up places

and also when you'd see the truly, needy mitsuya

you see, he has very, very sensitive skin. his neck, his chest, his waist...with simple touches of your hand, you can reduce him to a squirming mess

when he's the one receiving oral, he will absolutely lose any sense of straightforward thinking, especially if you run your hands on his thighs whilst you peer up at him through your lashes

his moans are like music to your ears. he won't speak much, unable to actually form words as he shivers from the feeling of you between his legs, but his hand on your head will be enough to tell you that you're doing a good job

if he's sat up whilst you give him the blowjob, expect to be pushed down as soon as he reaches his orgasm. he tends to curl over when he does, his whole body turning into a trembling mess

he will make up for accidentally making you gag, though. in the sense that you won't be able to walk straight for the next few days

he may be sensitive, but he also isn't one to go slow when it comes to intercourse. he will also go for a few rounds, loving how you'd come undone before him every time

hold on to him when he does: the feeling of your nails digging into his back whenever he's on top of you always makes him pick up his speed, and he loves the marks that would appear afterwards

it was a way to know that he was taking good care of you

mitsuya isn't one to talk dirty, but he will shower you with loving comments during aftercare. he'd trace your skin with his fingers as you lay on his chest, both equally as tired and worn out

his sex drive is high, but so is his love for you

so he'd always prepare a bath for you afterwards, where he'd try and keep you awake with soft kisses and talking to you whilst you enjoyed the warm water

[c-ptsdrecovery]

I recently moved for university, and now that I’m away from my abusive mother so many of my C-PTSD symptoms have massively improved. (Chronic pain, GI issues, insomnia) I don’t have hypervigilance anymore. But, if I think about my mum or the abuse I suffered, or read about PTSD then my C-PTSD gets triggered again. I want to do therapy to process the trauma so I won’t ever get triggered again, but I don’t want to talk about my mum because then my body hurts and all the issues come back again. I’m also partly unsure if this is a false victory and the C-PTSD will get worse again soon, although it has been two weeks and I still feel fine. I was wondering if you had any advice on whether it’s worth digging through the trauma to come out the other side permanently, or now that the symptoms only bother me very rarely if I should just leave it alone.

This is my two cents, and of course your mileage may vary. But I would try the therapy--but only if you can get a therapist who is specifically trained in trauma therapy.

Trained trauma therapists are taught how to help their clients stay within their window of tolerance, emotionally: how to help their clients talk about difficult things without getting TOO upset, and how to help their clients calm themselves when they do get upset. Sometimes you do get triggered in trauma therapy, but it's not usually as bad as when you get triggered "out in the world" because your therapist helps you calm down and get out of the flashback. The therapist can also teach you self-calming techniques that you can use "out in the world" by yourself, which can reduce your symptoms of distress when you do get triggered outside of therapy.

By working with a trained trauma therapist and processing a good bit of your trauma, you can get triggered less often and less badly, which will hopefully reduce some of your stress-triggered physical symptoms, as well.

But here's the other thing I would say to you: Give yourself some time! You've been out of a toxic environment a grand total of TWO WEEKS. You don't have to do everything all at once. Your semester just started (heck, your entire university experience may have just started!), and there's a lot going on. Don't feel like you need to get into therapy RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW OMG. You can take a little time to decompress, get settled, see how you're feeling. Therapy is great, and you should probably do it at some point, but maybe it isn't the right time for it yet. You might find that dealing with university is Enough for you right now, and that is totally valid! Therapy might not even be the right choice for you until after you're graduated and in a steady job. Everybody's life is different, and everybody needs different things at different times. Give yourself a break and try not to overthink things too much just yet. <3

[radley-rambles]

heyo friend, I see you give some really valuable and smart advice so I was hoping you would maybe have some advice for me too! I've almost finished my first draft of a novel and I'm thinking I need to trim the manuscript, but I'm not sure where to begin with deciding which scenes should be cut, or shortened, or combined, because I think they all serve a purpose. do you have any tips?

Dearest nonagon - first off, MASSIVE CONGRATS on (almost) finishing that first draft!

If, like me, you are a horrendous overwriter, it probably does need a trim. I will soon be joining you with making big cuts, but whereas I am sure you will be delicately snipping away with secateurs and scalpels, I shall charge in wildly, swinging a chainsaw.

Which, coincidentally, leads us to my first tip...

1. BE NOT AFRAID...

You can't chop up your first draft if it hasn't been weaned. If you're still cradling your baby close to your chest, now isn't the time to start dissecting it.

So, put the baby down. Walk away. Ignore its cries. Go fawn over another baby for a while. Sever your emotional connection to your firstborn, so you can mutilate it at a later date without remorse.

(On a similar note, nobody ask me for parenting tips. Like, ever.)

The point of this rather morbid metaphor is that you need to destroy that intense emotional attachment to your work, before you can tear it apart and put it back together without fear. I usually let my first drafts sit for two weeks to a month - but I have a very short attention span, and a terrible memory! I know some folks let their manuscripts marinate a year before digging into developmental edits. There's no rush. You've got time.

In addition to this - a good way to be not afraid is to save an original, unedited first draft. Please, please don't start editing your only document. If you change your mind about cutting a darling, you want to be able to get it back!

Plus, it's a lovely exercise to compare the polished final product with the original turd of a draft!

2. LIST, LIST BITCH

Before I dive in and start editing, I like to look back at my original plan for the novel. I try and remember all the places I think I've gone astray, and decide whether I think these diversions add or detract from the story I want to tell.

I then replot my story, using both my memories of the first draft and the original plot to work out where I'm going next. This is where you can start thinking clinically about what to cut, before you even dig into your old manuscript.

Some potential questions to ask yourself:

What sort of story am I telling?

Should the narrative be fast-paced and action packed? Suspenseful and slow-building?

What are the integral core beats of the plot and character arcs?

Which scenes help to move the plot or character development forward?

You should be able to flag up any scenes that don't serve a purpose. That's the easiest way to cut bloat.

However, it sounds like you don’t have any obvious irrelevant scenes. So, there are two paths ahead of you...

3. LINE LEVEL

Not all first drafts need massive developmental cuts. If you've let it sit, if you've gone through your plot scene-by-scene, if you're sure that everything is guiding the reader towards your conclusion... You may well be right!

And if you're not, trust me, your betas will tell you ;)

I hereby give you permission to dispense with developmental cuts entirely. You might as well hop straight to cutting things down on a line-by-line level, deleting extraneous words and thinking critically about every single sentence. It's amazing what this can do for reducing a novel in size!

Alternatively...

4. GO APESHIT

If you're stuck for ideas on what to cut, but are convinced that something is wrong...

It's time to play big and brave.

Copy your draft to a new document and go fucking apeshit.

Turn your original concepts on their head. Give yourself license to divorce yourself entirely from your first draft, and think about how you'd replot the whole damn thing if you had a chance to start from scratch.

It's honestly pretty awesome what you can come up with, if you give yourself that freedom!

In my latest story, I've just hit the second draft phase, and I've realised a central character is actually entirely redundant. I want the story to focus on the main character's goal. This other character gave the main character a secondary goal - which isn't inherently a bad thing! But in this case, it muddied the waters and reduced tension in the lead-up to the final climactic battle.

It's taken me YEARS to get to the point where I can ask myself '...would this story be better without her?' and give an honest answer. She's one of my favourite characters of all time, but she's holding me back. It's time to say bye-bye.

I'd never have realised this, if I hadn’t plonked down one day with a massive sheet of paper and gone 'OKAY LET'S PRETEND I NEVER WROTE A FIRST DRAFT AND I'M STARTING OVER, WHAT WOULD I CHANGE'

I hope that helps!

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: writing advice is subjective. You're welcome to try this out and see if it works for you, but please, nobody take this as The Biblical Truth on how to chop up a manuscript. Grow wild and free, my little sunflower seeds x

[chaotic-super]

Back To Krypton - Chapter 17

Alex’s boots sink into the mud left behind from the heavy rain, sopping wet through. Every step feels disgusting, and her feet are not appreciative of this mud bath, no matter how sore or damaged they’ve gotten.

Kelly and Nia are trailing behind them, Esme on Kelly’s back happily blabbering away about each plant or rock they pass as though they are any different from the thousands they have already passed.

Alex is a little ways ahead, Kelex hovering by her side as they try and find a way around the slope they had all fallen down to get back in the direction they came, where they had seen the guards of some sort take Kara and Lena.

She has her guesses for who they are and what they may want but doesn’t want to put any decisive labels on them, just in case they are someone different, someone worse.

They’ve been walking for a couple of days now, searching for another way back, praying that they’re walking in the right direction. She thinks they might just be able to find Kara and Lena because it’s obvious that they have been taken back to the accommodation, there’s nowhere else they could go unless the pods took them back to a city.

They owe it to them to try though, so they are heading back there and praying that they’ll be there. The only problem they’re having with their plan is that they don’t have one. They have zero clue what they are going to do when they get there, they have a child with them for Rao’s sake, and there isn’t a lot they can do.

It would be a bad idea to try and continue on without them anyway, without Kara and Lena to help ground them and guide them through sticky situations they would struggle, and it would reduce their chances of making it all the way to Kandor significantly.

They haven’t heard a peep from the people that took Kara and Lena, not since they marched out of view. She was hoping they would for the first day or so but then she realised how selfish that would be to want to be caught after Kara and Lena gave themselves up to protect them back at the trees.

They have all noticed something odd as they walk back in the direction they came from originally; there is a much higher number of plants from The Scarlet Jungle around. They can still avoid them fairly easily but there is a distinct side effect that seems to have come with them.

There’s an increased number of locust-like bugs surrounding them and while for the most part, they are staying away from them, if bugs follow the plants, then other animals may follow them too. That is not something they want to find out first hand though, so they want to get a hustle on.

Alex spots more red plants up ahead, grouped quite close together so she decides to stop and wait for the others to catch up with her. Unlike most of the ones they have seen, these ones don’t have palm tree-looking leaves, these have much smaller leaves and look slightly spikey, similar to that of a rose bush, minus the roses. They are also much taller, but spindlier, like they are still young plants, barely more than seedlings, even if they are more than a metre tall.

As soon as they reach her side, she points at the plants with a sigh. “We’ll have to go around them, they are way too close together for my liking.”

“I agree,” Kelly states, looking over Alex’s shoulder at them and huffing since this means that they will have to walk even further, even if it is only by a little bit.

Nia decides that she really isn’t feeling up to those extra steps, she’s already doing way more than the recommended ten thousand a day and isn’t really interested in furthering that. “I think we could probably –“

“No!” Alex and Kelly cut her off at the same time, both pitching her with matching glares.

“Alright, I was just saying.” Nia sulks, holding her hands up in surrender.

Kelly moves on to a softer look while Alex keeps her glare firmly in place. “We know, none of us wants to keep walking right now but we can’t afford any more injuries now, especially none like that you got on your hand, that was nasty.”

“I know, I know. Mother knows best and all that jazz.” Nia shrugs and walks past them both, taking a right to try and avoid the dangerous plants.

Turns out, they really aren’t a lucky bunch because Nia barely makes it two steps before she is stopped by an impromptu rustling coming from some of the thicker foliage around them.

All of them find themselves frozen, waiting for the penny to drop. Then another rustling comes from the other side of them, pinning them between the two rustling bushes with nowhere to go, the plants from The Scarlet Jungle blocking their path forward.

They back up as much as they can, not turning their backs to the bushes but don’t get too far since something begins to emerge from between the leaves, showing itself and the danger it presents.

None have them have ever tried to envision an emu crossed with a horse before and none of them have ever tried to envision an emu crossed with a horse that also has multiple rows of dagger teeth. That’s a big nope from The Superfriends.

Kelly breaks the silence as they stare into the eyes of the beast. “I really wish Kara and Lena had left us that sword.”

More emerge beside the first one, making a group of four, all staring right at them, watching them. A tingling runs down their spines, a hot sweat builds on the backs of their necks and their veins run cold. These creatures are not friendly, that’s easy enough to tell.

Esme is the first one to break out of the spell they’ve fallen under, not at all enchanted by these strange animals, so she lets out an almighty scream when they step towards them, eyes dark and full of danger.

Kelly grips Esme’s legs tighter, keeping her pressed to her back. She’s glad that she’s between Esme and the animals, glad that there is some kind of a barrier between them and her.

This is one of the reasons they had wanted to leave Esme with J’onn, to keep her out of situations like this, but they had naively decided that they could protect her, keep her away from anything that could put her in harm’s way, she sees now that was nothing more than a fantasy, a lie they told themselves to keep their daughter with them, unwilling to part for a little while could cost them a lot longer.

There’s nothing they could realistically do in this situation, they have knives and Alex has a gun, but these are not like animals on Earth, they have no idea if they would even have the chance to get their weapons free before they were already on them – killing them even.

If they survive this, they need to come up with a plan, they need to figure out how to keep Esme safe and stand by that plan, everything needs to be done to keep her safe and what they’re doing right now doesn’t fit into that plan.

Apparently, the enemy of scary bird horses is little girls with a good set of lungs because they recoil at the noise, rushing back into the bushes, and right through the scarlet ones, trampling them enough to create a path for them to use to continue on their trip without any more detours.

All three women let out their held breaths, Esme still screaming with her eyes firmly shut so she doesn’t even know that they’re gone until she runs out of breath and Kelly is lowering her down to the ground and crouching in front of her, Alex rushing to join her too.

“You’re ok, we’ve got you.” Alex pulls Esme into their embrace, holding their precious little girl between them. One shared look between the parents tells Kelly that Alex had the same realisations as she did when those animals were coming towards them.

Kelly pressed frantic kisses to the crown of Esme’s head, aware that all three of them are crying now. “You are so brave, you scared them away and made it all better. You’re our hero.” She whispers into Esme’s ear, desperately trying to calm both herself and Esme.

Nia watches them, still quaking in her boots and every breath she takes is a struggle, her body trying to fight its way out of panic mode. Alex notices over both Esme and Kelly’s shoulders, so she extends an arm outward, offering her a space in their group cuddle.

“You guys make me soft.” She mumbles as she sinks into the embrace of the Olsen-Danvers clan.

They stay like that for a couple of minutes, basking in their heightened adrenaline and relief, giving their rapidly beating hearts a chance to slow down to a more stable level and only once they have all calmed themselves, do they part, ready to start again on their adventure.

The group starts off again, Nia carrying Esme this time and Kelly taking the remote to bring Kelex along with them so Alex can keep her hands free, her gun and knife sheathed at her side, her hands ready to grab them at any moment.

They manage to shimmy through the gaps in the plants thanks to the animals stampeding through them, so they don’t have to take a detour and the encounter did end up having some bright sides.

And so they keep on trudging on forward and had mutually decided to take a short break when they get to a relatively safe-looking clearing, if they find any, so they can take a load off and discuss their options, starting with what they can do to keep Esme safe.

All of them keep their eyes peeled, Esme especially since Nia bestowed the task on her as the chief look out but they don’t find a clearing before they hear the sound of rushing water. Their spirits are lifted right away with it, knowing that they are getting closer to their goal.

Once they get the source of the sound in sight, none of them could stop their smiles from forming, knowing that they’ve found the stream and little waterfall that they had stopped at just a day after they had left the accommodation. That means that they are less than a day away from getting to where they think their abducted teammates are and they are one step closer to being back together.

They step out towards the water, breathing in their small victory and even Alex lets her shoulders drop a little and her hands fall away from her holster.

That’s a bad idea.

Right as they are fully out of the trees, they find themselves surrounded, the same guards as before around them, more joining them until they have nowhere to go.

Alex knows she can’t fight all of these people, not without risking the others, so she holds her hands up, accepting their fate, for now, they will have to go along with these people. She tries her best to understand them with her limited knowledge of Kryptonese. She does know enough to make conversation, but she has to admit that she’s rusty.

She definitely doesn’t miss the weapon in her face and the order to drop all of her weapons and her pack though, so she makes her movements slow and clear, complying right away which then leads the others to follow in her footsteps, doing the same.

Nia has to put Esme down so that she can take off her own pack, just as she watched the others do just seconds ago. She was expecting Esme to stay with her or maybe just take a little step to the side to get to Kelly since she is right beside her but instead she runs right for Alex at full speed.

All of them freeze, waiting for a reaction from the guards but there is none other than a brief tightening of their grips on their weapons.

“Kryp sem urvish, sokao zhgamem bah kryp.”

The line is stated with no malice and Alex actually believes the guard, even if she doesn’t understand why. “They said, ‘We want peace, please return with us.’” Alex translates for the others.

“I think we should listen to them.” Kelly hisses to both Alex and Nia, keeping her eye on Esme, who is clinging to Alex’s legs.

Both of the other women agree with her right away, so Alex responds to the group with her limited Kryptonese knowledge. “Zhi. Yes. Yes. Zhi.”

While the weapons aren’t dropped or put away, they are lowered to the ground and a few of the guards come forward to take their belongings and to point them in the direction they are to walk in.

“Mommy, what’s happening?” Esme whimpers, clinging to Alex’s hand.

The question and the grip encourage Alex to pick her up, holding her to her chest protectively. “I’m not entirely sure but if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that they’re going to take us to wherever they took your aunts.”

Esme nods and buries her face into Alex’s neck, an obvious attempt at hiding from the scary-looking strangers.

The strange thing is that the guards or soldiers, whatever they are, appear to notice that Esme is scared and make an attempt at making her feel safer because one of them steps towards them slowly, taking something out of one of their own bags and offering it to the little girl.

Alex checks to see what they are holding out to her daughter, wary until she recognises it from a description she’s heard hundreds of times from her own kid sister. There in a little wooden box sits lots of square little pink sugar-coated candies that from what Kara has said, they taste like pure magic and nothing on Earth will ever make her as happy as those candies.

“Hey, why don’t you try one of those? I think those might be Aunt Kara’s favourites, so you’ll probably like them.” Alex encourages her slightly and with a nervous hand Esme reaches over and takes one very carefully from the box.

She pops it right into her mouth, utterly overjoyed by the taste flooding over her tongue. “Mommy, it’s good!”

“It is? What do we say to the nice guard?” Alex reacts, smiling at Esme coming out of her shell again.

“Thank you.” Esme beams at the guard, who seems to get the message, even with the language barrier because they nod to her, offering her the box to keep.

Of course, Esme takes it, tucking into her gift right away. The interaction puts them all at ease, a level of trust and rapport now forming. It’s an unspoken mutual pact that nobody is going to fight, and they are all just interested in getting on with what needs to be done.

Esme only gets through about half a dozen of her treats before she has to put them away because they arrive at a group of pods. They recognise the general look of them from Kara’s pod, but they are clearly modified or a slightly different model since they are big enough for multiple people.

They are taken to a different pod each, but they do allow Esme to stay with Alex, a sign that these people do have morals of some sort. Each pod takes off as soon as the passengers are all ready and heading right in the direction of the accommodation, just as they had predicted so none of them are shocked that when they land, they are right where they started a few days ago.

What they are shocked by, is the greeting party waiting at the door. Standing there with big smiles and open arms are Kara and Lena, closely backed up by Astra.

Alex is the only one that recognises Astra, the others never had the chance to have met her before, and she has to remind herself that she hasn’t killed her yet and she doesn’t know what she is going to do to her in the future, so she is in the clear on that front.

Kara and Lena pull them all in for hugs and they spend a little while just standing there, all huddled together, checking each other over for non-existent injuries.

Once their reintroductions are done, they all head inside and Astra leads them into the library, no guards present with them.

“My name is Astra In-Ze, and I am Kara’s aunt. Thank you for accompanying my guards so freely.” Astra holds out her hand for a handshake, just as she has learnt from Lena.

Kelly takes it first, then Esme copies her which makes Astra smile brightly at her. Nia and Alex follow suit and make their own introductions.

“Your daughter is beautiful, she reminds me so much of Kara when she was young,” Astra states gently, wrapping her arm around Kara’s shoulder for a brief moment.

Alex clears her throat. “Thank you, but I really need to know what’s going on before I lose my mind, I’m a bit lost at what’s going on.”

“Well, that’s what we are trying to figure out but we had to get them to bring you here so they would trust us, and Astra is helping us navigate that,” Lena explains, taking up vigil at Kara’s other side.

“Why do we need them to trust us?” Kelly asks, Nia nodding along at her side.

“They would likely ask for you to be…” Astra pauses, not wanting to say anything to scare the little girl that reminds her so much of her niece, “removed if they don’t.”

Alex sighs, running a hand over her forehead. “I see.”

Click here to read the first 16 chapters on A03

Click here to read 5 more chapters early

[sleeping-on-cracking-ice]

Hello! Can you write something with female Y/N and Chishiya? She helped him with something and is injured after that. She fell or burn her back or hit her head, but pretends that nothing happened since she think he doesn't care and the injury it's getting worst by days, Chishiya didn't notice at first and he just don't understand why Y/N is not talking with him but lets it go, then the day of game comes and they both have to play and Y/N faints few hours before registration. He is panicking suddenly aware of his own feelings towards her and he is SO worried and feels guilty. I hope you can add a lot of angst but fluffy end? I'm sorry if this is messy, english is not my first language 😭 Thank you!

Of course! And don’t worry your English is great 😊 I hope you enjoy! ❤️

Panicked Confession | Shuntaro Chishiya

{Alice In Borderland Masterlist}

Character(s): Chishiya (ft. Kuina, Usagi, Ann, Hatter)

Summary: You get badly burnt while saving Chishiya in a game, but made sure he knew nothing about it. Just before leaving for the next game, you pass out and Chishiya finds you, causing him to panic

Warning: swearing, burn injury, vomiting, fainting

Word Count: 4.9k

*reader is female

“Shit! Guys come on!”

You, Chishiya, Kuina and Usagi rushed through the bottom floor of the building. Flames were curling in the air around each side of you, quickly closing in to eat you alive.

All four of you had almost completed the game, being the only players left after the last puzzle of the building. It was a diamond game, a game of intelligence. You were lucky to have been with Chishiya, as Diamonds games were his specialty.

You were all sprinting across the room, together in a tight pack so the flames don’t manage to touch you. You were panting, feeling your lungs collapsing in on themselves, but you had to press on. Only a few more steps before you could jump through the glass window at the end of the room, which was quickly being engulfed.

Suddenly, you saw Chishiya, who was running next to you, trip on a loose bit of debris laying on the ground inconveniently. You looked back and saw him holding his ankle in pain.

Of course, just your luck.

You all stopped abruptly, skidding along the floor and looking back to Chishiya in fear. He saw you all, his eyes widening.

“What are you doing?! Go!” he called out, wincing in pain.

You looked towards Kuina and Usagi, watching as thoughts spiraled around their heads to figure out what to do. The flame was too close behind Chishiya for it to be safe, if someone was to help him, they would have to risk their life doing so.

Both Kuina and Usagi shook their heads and looked away. They turned away from Chishiya and began jogging towards the window again. You froze. There’s no way they would just leave him like that.

“Guys!” You called out to them. They turned to you with fearful expressions painted on their face. “What are you doing?!” You asked, fear and worry dripping from your words. You had to make up your mind soon or you would be burned to a crisp.

Kuina motioned for you to come to her. “Y/N, there’s no time! We have to go!” you could tell she felt awful about this decision, but you weren’t giving up just yet.

You looked back at Chishiya laying on the ground. He was staring at you with a worried expression, wanting you to hurry up and leave him. You couldn’t leave a friend that easy to die. You had to at least try.

You let out a big sigh and lifted your aching legs to race towards Chishiya. He began yelling at you the moment you started running. “No, no, no! Go Y/N! What are you doing?!”

You ignored his shouting and quickly knelt down beside him to lift his arm around your shoulders. You weren’t going to lose anyone else, you promised yourself that after your friends died in the first game you played after appearing in the Borderlands.

Chishiya kept arguing and shaking his head as you tried to lift his body. He was surprisingly heavy for someone his size. “Y/N, go! There’s no time! You can’t save me!” he at screamed you, becoming more desperate with every plea.

You continued to ignore him and began dragging him along towards the window, where Kuina and Usagi were already working on breaking the glass with debris from around them. “You’re not going to off yourself that easily Chishiya as long as I have a say in it,” you rasped out, struggling to keep upright with the extra weight on your shoulders.

As your heart pounded in your ears and you felt the fire become hotter and hotter around you, you suddenly felt an incredibly sharp pain across your spine. The sensation spread all through your body, from your head to your toe, making you cry out and almost collapse to the ground, but you stayed strong.

Chishiya had given up arguing with you, using his good leg to take a bit of his body weight off your pained shoulders. With his help, you managed to move much quicker, limping and staggering your way towards Kuina and Usagi, who had broken the window and were now waiting for you to come, yelling at you to hurry up.

You didn’t look back; you didn’t want to see how close the flames were. You knew it would do nothing but make the situation worse.

As you neared the window, you slowed down as Kuina ran out to help you lift Chishiya up and out of the window. You were relying completely on adrenaline at that point, having lost all of your strength through running and carrying Chishiya.

You managed to lift yourself through the cracked window, earning a few cuts from the leftover glass on the way, and collapsed onto the grass ground below you. A large barrier from inside the room (probably manufactured for the games) closed over the destroyed window as you fell, being lucky to be the last out of the four of you to escape. The flames were locked in, unable to harm you.

The four of you laid on the grass, panting and trying to regain your breath. As your adrenaline calmed down, the pain of your large burn mark set in. You covered your face with your hand and silently screamed against it, trying to drown out the searing pain somehow. You couldn’t worry the others, not after what just happened.

**************

The next couple of days was nothing but a struggle for you. As soon as you arrived back from the game, you stumbled your way to Ann’s medical room. She took a closer look at your burn wound, applying whatever she had to try and reduce the chance of it getting infected. But unfortunately, that didn’t reduce the pain.

After allowing Ann to wrap a bandage around your upper back to protect the wound, you slowly made your way back to your room on the upper floor. You didn’t want to rush yourself in case you made your wound worse, so you took your time in getting there.

Unfortunately, it was a bit too much time, as you managed to bump into Chishiya who popped out from around the corner. A small panic raised within you; you didn’t want Chishiya to see you like this! It’s embarrassing enough to like someone you had no chance with, but for them to see you stumbling and holding onto the wall because you can’t even keep yourself up? No, not today.

You stood more upright than before, giving Chishiya your best fake smile. “Hey Y/N,” he said, walking past you. You breathed a sigh of relief. Well, that wasn’t too bad.

You started to walk again before you heard Chishiya call out from behind you. “Oh, wait Y/N!”

You turned around, biting your tongue so you didn’t let out a yelp of pain as the skin on your back twisted with your movements. “Yeah?” you acknowledged him.

He gave you a half-hearted smile. “Thanks again, for earlier. I would’ve been a goner if you hadn’t risked your life like that for me,” he said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. You’ve never seen him thank someone before, so you were shocked.

“Oh, it was no big deal! We should all help each other out, considering we haven’t really got anything else other than each other,” you said, smiling happily. You felt all giddy from him acknowledging the fact that you risked yourself for him.

“Yeah, but it was still pretty cool of you. Even Kuina and Usagi were willing to leave me there,” he chuckled as his own joke.

You laughed and shook your head at him. “I’m sure they were just doing what they thought was best for everyone else in the moment.”

Chishiya nodded and gave you a small wave. “I’ll see you tomorrow night then! Hatter let me know in the meeting this evening that you and I are together again. I’m glad though, because you seem to have the skill and brains to get through some tough games.”

You were flattered by his compliment. “Thanks, you too though! We would have burnt to a crisp if it weren’t for you during that diamond game tonight.”

The small talk was killing you. You just wanted to get back to your room and wallow in the silence that engulfed it. At least there, you could suffer from your burn wound a little louder than out in the public eye of The Beach.

Chishiya laughed at your statement. “No, I’m sure with you there it would’ve been fine,” he said back, making you smile wider.

“I’ll see you later then,” you exclaimed, waving a hand at him. He waved back with a grin on his attractive features before he turned around and continued down the hall with his hands tucked into their usual spot in his hoodie pockets.

You let out a big sigh of relief. That was close. You felt the pain seeping through your body the longer you stood there, hoping for Chishiya to just end the conversation. You felt guilty, it may have looked like you were trying to escape, since you were slowly backing towards the corner. Hopefully, he didn’t notice.

You stumbled the rest of the way towards your room, wincing and hissing in pain on the way. It felt like Ann didn’t do anything at all, but you couldn’t blame her. She had extremely limited resources and could only leave to search for more every few weeks.

When you finally made it to the door of your room, the familiar number engraved onto the middle of it, you gripped the handle and walked inside.

You collapsed onto your bed onto your stomach. There was no way you would be able to sleep on your back with this kind of pain, so you had to resort to either on your side or on your stomach.

Let’s just say, you had a restless sleep.

****************

You were hoping after a night’s sleep that the pain from your back would have disappeared at least a little bit. But you couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything, it had become worse. You probably managed to roll onto it a few times during the night, reopening any part of the wound that had sealed up over the time you’ve had it.

It took you far too long to get out of bed in the morning. You groaned and moaned in frustration as you crawled your way out of the duvet, almost collapsing off your bed. You felt rather pathetic, but who wouldn’t after not being able to do the simplest of tasks from a wound.

As you were walking to your closet to look for something to wear, you remembered you had to go see Ann again that morning. She had told you last night to return to her medical room the next morning so she could reapply a new bandage onto you, in case the other one gets bacteria or blood on it during the night somehow.

You quickly put on your usual swimmers to wear around the hotel and the black hoodie that you wore most of the time when you got cold. You didn’t want to risk anyone else seeing your wound. The gaping burn mark across your upper back was bound to attract unwanted attention.

You made your way down the hall to go see Ann again. There was nobody in the halls around the rooms due to it being close to noon. You slept in longer than you expected.

You slowly walked down the couple of flights of stairs, making your way to Ann’s medical room on the lower floor. The walk down to the lobby felt longer at that moment than it ever had.

You approached the door with the red cross along the front of it, indicating the medical room. You were about to lift your hand to turn the doorknob before you heard a loud voice yell from further down the corridor.

You shifted your eyes and saw none other than Chishiya striding down the hallway with his usual cocky smirk painted across his face. Of course, you had to run into him out of all people.

“Y/N! Wait!” he yelled as he jogged up to you.

You stayed silent, waiting to hear what he had to say. You wanted to ignore him and just walk into the medical room to see Ann to avoid any kind of questioning or suspicion from him, but you knew that would only make him more curious.

“Hey, you alright?” he frowned, questioning you. He reached out to place a gentle hand on your forearm, but you flinched away before he could touch you.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you answered, trying to sound normal. The piercing feeling that your wound brought you began to make its way around your body again, making you slightly shift and shake. ‘Of course, it just has its moment while I’m talking to the one person that I don’t want to look like a weakling in front of,’ you thought to yourself in your head.

Chishiya frowned at your flinch, but seemed to shake it off quickly, moving onto something else. “So anyway, where were you this morning?” he asked, leaning closer to you.

“I-I was in my room. I had a late sleep in,” you said, gripping the doorknob to the medical room.

“Oh, weird. Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?” he said with a smirk on his face.

‘Oh shit, he’s mocking my bad memory,” you thought, feeling embarrassed.

“Um… no? Should I?”

“You, Kuina, Alice, Usagi and I were going to meet up this morning to steal some food from the kitchen and take it to the rooftop. You didn’t show up near the pool where we said we were going to meet!” he exclaimed. He was laughing, obviously not caring too much about your forgetfulness.

You thought for a second. You did recall having that conversation. You guessed that you forgot about it because you were so focused on trying to reduce the pain from your burn. Even if you did remember, as if you would’ve been able to run away from the chefs in the kitchen after taking the food with this injury.

“Me and Kuina even knocked on your door. You must have been really knocked out if you didn’t wake up from Kuina’s loud yelling.”

He then raised his eyebrow and smirked. “Unless you were hiding from me?”

Your could tell he was obviously joking, but he wasn’t far off from being right. That has been your intention since last night, but trust Chishiya to figure you out quickly enough.

You heart rate picked up from his accurate accusation. “Uh, sorry Chishiya, but I really have to go,” you mumbled out, giving him a quick fake smile before walking into the medical room and closing the door behind you.

Chishiya’s mischievous smirk fell from his face. You didn’t even give him a chance to say goodbye, and you seemed oddly nervous from his accusation that you were avoiding him. He felt somewhat hurt. Were you trying to avoid him?

He shook off his suspicions and continued down the corridor to the lobby to find something to entertain him for the meantime. You wouldn’t try to avoid him, would you? Perhaps he’ll confront you about it later.

*************

You were laying in your room reading a book when you heard the usual ring of the bell that was Hatter’s signal for everyone to move down to the lobby to prepare for the night’s games.

“Shit! Is it that late already?” you asked no one, glancing over at the digital clock on your nightstand.

You panicked and saw it was the time that you would head out to games. You said to yourself earlier that you would give yourself an early mark so you could get down there at the right time, considering you would be slow due to your condition, but you got distracted by your book and lost track of time.

You rushed to your feet a little too quickly for your body’s liking, causing the pain of your wound to shoot across your back without mercy, making you yelp in pain and fall forwards.

You managed to catch yourself before you face planted into the ground. You let out a few deep breaths, trying to regain your strength while the piercing pain became worse from your insistence.

You pushed yourself off the ground, placing your foot underneath you and attempting to stand to your feet. You had to make it to the cars at least, you knew if anyone found you at The Beach during game time, they would mark you a coward, or worse: a traitor.

You cursed under your breath and let out pained sobs as you tried to get to your feet again. But unfortunately, your body just wasn’t on your side at that moment.

Your feet gave out underneath you and your head pounded, causing you to feel dizzy and suddenly nauseated. You leant forwards as you emptied the contents of your stomach out onto the floor, gagging on the taste of it in the back of your throat.

Your eyes began to feel heavy, not being able to take the pain and stress you were under. You managed to roll yourself to the side so you wouldn’t land in the pile of vomit and lay yourself across the floor safely before you face planted.

“Fuck,” you rasped out, feeling helpless at that moment.

You couldn’t do anything as your vision narrowed, passing out from pain on the floor of your own room, no one around to help you.

*************

“Hello again everyone! I would like to say a few words before we all get into our groups and drive to our games!”

Hatter’s usual booming voice thrusted across the crowd in front of him. Another night, another gathering. Just like every other day.

Chishiya stood at his usual spot in the back, leaning against the cement wall and rolling his eyes at Hatter’s words. He never seemed to have anything useful to say. Just some preachy words that created false hope.

‘How about for a change, he gave us some advice? It would probably spare some people a few headaches,’ Chishiya thought to himself.

He stood on his toes and tried to search the crowd for the top of your head. He was becoming anxious. You would usually be down in the lobby by now.

He was more nervous due to the way you’ve been acting all day. Usually, you two were joined at the hip twenty-four seven, but the only time he saw you that day was in the morning when you walked into the medical room.

He wondered why you were going in there. You never went to Ann unless it was for something drastic, but you seemed completely healthy and unharmed.

As the time ticked on, Chishiya became more and more worried. You would never skip out on a game; you were too afraid of being caught by the executives for that.

Hatter finished off his nightly speech with the list of groups and which number wristbands go where. Chishiya didn’t even care to pay attention as everyone began making their way towards the entrance of the hotel where they would pile into the cars and drive off to the games. He ran the opposite way, clambering up the flights of stairs to reach the level your room is on. If you had to be anywhere, it would be there.

He powered his legs into a sprint, having to brush his white locks out of his face once or twice due to them getting in the way. He eventually arrived at your room, stopping and panting to regain his breath.

He knocked on your door quietly at first, not knowing if you were asleep or something. “Y/N?” he called out through the door. “We need to head off to the games. Did you not hear the bell?”

When he received nothing but silence as an answer, he took it upon himself to walk in to see if you were there. He opened the door and peeked his head around the side, being careful in case you were indecent for some reason.

As he walked in further, his heart dropped as he saw you laying on the ground passed out.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, rushing over to your body and kneeling beside you. He lifted your head onto his lap gently and immediately checked your neck for a pulse. A small feeling of relief flowed through him when he felt the beat of your heart on his fingers.

“Oh my god Y/N, what’s happened to you?” he stressed, tapping your cheek with his hand to see if you would wake. He was beginning to become more worried as time ticked on. He glanced over at the clock on your nightstand and saw that it was getting later. He had to wake you up before registration closed for all the games.

He lifted you up from under your arms, using all his strength to pull you into your small bathroom. He placed you gently on the tiled floor, stuffing a towel underneath your head for support. He quickly shifted your body around, trying to look for any source of injury that caused you to pass out. He froze when he noticed a few stains of blood on the back of your hoodie. He quickly lifted the hem of your shirt to see what was causing the stains.

His eyes almost popped out of his head from the sight. He gasped at the huge burn wound on your back, stretching across from your shoulder blades to your waist. The bandage that Ann had wrapped around it had come loose, hanging off your abdomen carelessly. His heart filled with guilt as he examined it more closely. Why didn’t he look after you?

He immediately put two and two together and realized that you had probably passed out from the pain of the burn mark.

He stood up from his position on the floor and grabbed a small cloth from your towel rack, running it under the water from the tap. He knelt back down next to you and carefully placed the wet fabric against your wound. He was so afraid of hurting you, but he had to do what he could to make you better for the game.

“Oh, come on, please wake up Y/N,” he breathed out. Stress and anxiety filled his tone, making the air more tense.

“Please wake up, please be okay. I love you, please don’t die Y/N,” he suddenly felt small tears gathering in his eyes as he stood up quickly to refresh the cloth that he was using to clean the burn.

He felt his hidden feelings begin to pour out of his mouth. He couldn’t handle the strain seeing you like this was having on his emotions.

He brought the cloth back, but this time he turned you over slightly so he could place it on your face. Your eyes were still shut tightly, not showing any indication of opening.

Chishiya ran the fingers of his other hand along your cheek, tapping softly on your skin, hoping that you would wake up from the physical contact. He felt desperate. He has never felt this helpless before, not even in games.

He allowed his few tears to fall down his cheek, lifting your head and pressing his forehead against yours. “Please wake up, we have to go. Just wake up and I’ll take care of you,” he mumbled out with shaky breaths.

He didn’t know what else to do. He could do nothing but hope.

A few minutes passed with Chishiya just holding you and pressing the cold cloth onto your face, trying to make you open your eyes. And eventually you did.

Chishiya breathed in a huge sigh of relief when he saw your eyes flutter open slowly, dazed and confused. He smiled and kept the cloth pressed to your face, caressing your cheek with his thumb.

“Oh, thank god,” he breathed out, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and bringing you into his chest for a close hug. You groaned loudly at the contact as Chishiya accidentally placed his hand on your wound.

“Chishiya, be careful,” you rasped out against his chest. He flinched away immediately and apologized.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” he said, lifting you up under your arms again. You groaned, not being able to stand up on your own yet. Chishiya kept you close to his chest as you leant against him.

He managed to clean you up with you leaning most of your body weight on him. He helped you wash out your mouth and clean your teeth to get rid of the taste of vomit and reapplied the bandage that had fallen off your wound. He did it all with such care and concern, being afraid of hurting you or overwhelming you with anything.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at the games?” you asked after you had finished rinsing your face.

“I noticed you weren’t at the lobby when Hatter called everyone, so I ran to your room and found you,” he answered, fixing your hoodie on your back from when he had to lift it to clean your injury.

“So, everyone’s gone?” you asked with a worried expression. Chishiya nodded, leaning on the sink next to you to check your face to see if you were alright.

“But if they find us, they’ll mark us as traitors!” you exclaimed, fear filling your head.

Chishiya placed his index finger on your lips to shush you. “Shh, only if they can hear us. We can just stay in here and be quiet, and hopefully no one suspects that we’re missing,” he said, smiling to calm you down.

You searched his eyes for any uncertainty but chose to let it go and just listen to him. “Okay.”

You both sat side by side on the floor of your small bathroom, Chishiya running his hand up and down your arm to keep your anxiety away. After a while of comfortable silence, you spoke up.

“Thanks, Chishiya, for helping me. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be lying on the ground next to a pile of my own puke,” you laughed at yourself.

Chishiya giggled. “It’s okay. I care about you Y/N, I couldn’t just leave you there.”

You looked at him with sparkling eyes, being taken back by his statement. “Really?” you asked, not believing him.

He smiled lovingly and caressed your cheek with his fingers. “Of course, I’d do anything if it was to help you.”

You thought you would have a cute moment together, but that flew out the window when Chishiya slapped you lightly across the cheek. Not enough to hurt you, but enough to bring a shocked expression onto your face.

“But next time, tell me when you’re hurt instead of trying to hide it from me like an idiot! You really think you’d be able to hide something like this from me?” he scolded you like a mother, but you giggled at his reaction.

“Yeah, I’ll tell you next time. Why did I ever think I could keep something from someone with an intelligent mind like yours,” you teased, leaning closer to his face.

Chishiya raised his eyebrows. “Hm, thanks, I guess? Not sure if that was a compliment or if you’re poking fun at me.”

You chuckled. “Take it however you want,” you whispered. You finally closed to space between you, allowing your lips to clash against his. Chishiya let out a shocked sound, but quickly melted against you and accepted your kiss.

You both sat on the floor of your bathroom, moving your mouths together while Chishiya tried hard to place his hands on you without touching your burn mark. You appreciated his care, but he ended up having to awkwardly place them on your upper arms, rubbing up and down them slowly.

You pulled away first, making Chishiya chase your lips as you moved away, making you giggle. “There’s my thank you gift,” you said cheekily, leaning away from him and back into your seating position.

Chishiya pouted at you. “That’s it? That was barely a kiss!” he argued, trying to move closer to you, wanting more of your affection.

“Chishiya, your tongue was in my mouth. I think that clarifies as a kiss,” you stated, placing your hand on his mouth and pushing him away gently. “Maybe let down that tough guy persona more often and take care of me, maybe then you’ll get more kisses.”

Chishiya leaned back and frowned. “Fine, but don’t expect this to be the norm now. I’m not going to let you control my personality just for a bit of affection.”

Well, that was a lie.

Author’s Note: Every Chishiya fanfic I’ve written has had some sort of angsty moment in it 😂 this man is going through it