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arthurjdrake · 5 years ago

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A chance bonding experience over pie, tea and haunted tape recorders with @damn-fine-cup-of-tea

“February twenty-ninth, it is 9.30am. The air still reeks of fish although I could swear that it has gotten better since I first got here. I still haven’t managed to get the name for those beautiful pine trees they have here. I was told they had moose. I must see a moose before I leave this town. I’m going to the bakery. Carol, if you ever get up this way, the apple pie at the diner is to die for. I must find out if they make it themselves, or if it is the same as the one from the baker. They don’t have proper tea here, and I had to go to Bangor to get my hands on tea leaves. Remind me to tell you how much that was. The people here are quite lovely, although I will have to notify the ATF and possibly the NSA about some of the inhabitants.” The agent stood still in the office they had given him at the police station. A tape recorder in his hand, Javier glanced and nodded politely at a police officer passing by the door before he went on : “I had the strangest dream last night. One of the deceased, a woman called Catherine Brissaud visited me in my dreams and kissed me. She looked beautiful but there was something off about her voice, she spoke gibberish. Then, she opened her mouth and a man’s voice came out of it telling me that it would kill again. There was this music in the back I cannot get out of my head, Carol. This is all very upsetting. I still have no clue on who could possibly have done it, why, or how? None of the victims showed wounds, and still, their entrails are all missing. All of it. I might need to stay here a bit longer than we imagined.” Grabbing his coat from the back of his chair, the man decided to head to the bakery by foot, his thermos of tea in his hand. At last, a good proper cup of tea. Pushing the door to the bakery, he waited in line, glancing around the shop, searching for something, anything that would possibly catch his eye. That man in the corner with a cockatiel pattern on his tie surely seemed interesting.

With the recent keying of his car, Arthur had taken to walking places. Better that than risk further damages to his property from Freyja’s vague and self-serving ire. The very thought of everything that had happened online was enough to send him stir crazy if he stayed inside any longer. No, he needed a trip out to one of the few places he found some peace in this mad place. There was also the current issue of sorting out Nadia’s identity and Adam’s current curse from that blasted chalice. Jobs and side-tasks were stacking up faster than he could keep up with but in a way he was thankful for the distractions. Explaining how he ended up joining the queue tapping out a couple of quick replies to several of the emails in his inbox. With those sent he tucked his phone away and he could turn his attention to a few of the other patrons of the quiet bakery and associated coffee shop. He looked at the display case and hummed in thought unsure what to get - he never had been very good at making decisions. “Sorry,” he said to the man in front of him hoping it wasn’t a real bother “excuse me, I’m rather stuck on what to go for… Do you think the apple or the passionfruit one is better?”

“No harm done,” Javier turned around and gave the man a thorough look, his eyes travelling all across him before he gave him a pat on the arm. “I think, and this is only my opinion, that there is nothing better than a good, old fashioned, properly made, apple pie,” he released the man’s arm to point his finger at the pie behind the glass. “And this, looks exactly like a good, old fashioned, properly made, apple pie.” The crust/filling ratio appeared to be nearing perfection, as did the cooking of the apple, or the color of the dough that covered it all. And, this was really the cherry on top of it all : the pie was decorated very tastefully. Maybe this would help him forget about the town’s apparent aversion for a proper cup of tea. “You are British, aren’t you?” Javier was sure of that, but it never hurt to ask. “What do you think of the tea situation in this town?”

Arthur was quite accustomed by now to being inspected by strangers, and in a town like this his accent tended to make him stick out like a sore thumb. He didn’t mind, so he waited and smiled politely taking in the other man’s appearance in kind, at a guess he seemed of an age to himself - at least physically. The greeting was friendly in kind, which settled any initial concerns that he might have bothered this stranger with his question. It was a nice change considering it seemed a majority of those he’d met significantly younger. At least beyond Carrington but that was another dynamic entirely and gave merit to the fact that you could hardly tell people’s actual ages from initial observation. “I think you might be right,” Arthur found himself agreeing tapping his bottom lip thoughtfully “especially with this wintery weather.” The cold hardly bothered him but it hardly meant a warm treat every now and then wouldn’t go amiss. “I feel like I haven’t had a good apple pie in ages,” baking hadn’t been the highest of priorities on his list lately but it was something he was keen to get back into. His smile grew a tad wry at the stranger’s next question, “damn, what gave it away?” he asked in light jest. “Definitely not the accent, was it my fondness for weather discussions and freshly baked goods?” His grin turned to a mournful look though the humour remained in his tone, “oh gods it’s atrocious. Don’t even get me started. I turned up for my first day and asked where the kettle was - they didn’t even have one. They microwave it.” He shook his head in mild disbelief over this “have to get people from back home to send me yorkshire brew or else I’d lose my mind.” He glanced at the thermos, “I’m guessing you feel the same?”

“The weather is quite something,” Javier commented, idly tapping his finger on top of his thermos, in tune with that song he had heard in his dreams. God, that thing was stuck in his head. “Talking of which,” it may have not smelled like fish in the shop, and in fact, the whole place smelled very nice, but the agent had to ask about that damn smell. “Does it always smell like fish in this town?” It seemed odd to him that people would ever decide to settle and live in such a place. He kept a stern look on his face, although there was always a hint of playfulness in his eyes as he spoke. “Then you must have a slice of apple pie. Maybe you can sit with me. I’ll share the tea,” he offered. It would be a great opportunity to discuss with the locals, who, even if they were not connected with his case, helped him draw a better picture of the town and what could possibly be insidiously corroding, gnawing it. “I will say, that the accent sold you out, and the talk of weather and pastries confirmed my doubts,” he politely replied, glancing over the man’s shoulder to have a look at someone who had just walked in. Their socks did not match. He wondered if this had been done on purpose or not. “Funny.” He said, turning his attention back on the British man. “Of course they would. I have had people tell me that tea in bags was not so bad. It’s atrocious !” He shook his head, clearly disapproving of that kind of affirmation. “You are the third person who tells me they have to order tea from across the sea. I’m sure there’s a lot more of upset tea lovers in town.” Something had to be done about this. As it was his turn to order, the agent turned toward the saleswoman with a bright smile. “I will have a slice of pie, please,” he glanced at the man. “And the man after me, will have another one of those.”

Arthur had become relatively accustomed to the smell, but at least it had stopped raining fish. Small mercies. Yet, as the other man asked after it he shrugged. “I have no idea honestly… There was some weird meteorological event… Raining fish. Whole town was covered. But it’s definitely been getting a damn lot better since that stopped.” He didn’t mention the chest, or the fact that since he’d heard through the grapevine that it’d been opened that the weirdness had stopped. “How can I deny an offer like that?” he smiled, genuinely grateful for the offer this stranger extended out. “Then at least let me buy you some of the apple pie to say thank you for the kindness of sharing the tea,” it was the least he could do. The laugh that was drawn from him was light, “ahhh, guilty as charged.” It wasn’t entirely true, but true enough for this lifetime that he’d subscribed to the general notion. “Heathens, the lot of them. I’m telling you.” The disapproving look the stranger got was rather amusing overall. “Oh, most definitely. We should start a club.” They moved up and Arthur let the other man order for them both, taking his card out to cover the payment “I’m Arthur by the way, I didn’t catch your name mister-?”

Raining fish. It must have been a local expression, a derivative of it’s raining cats and dogs. Although, Javier could imagine that a storm could cause fish to end up in the atmosphere and rain down on a coastal town such as White Crest. There was nothing too weird here. “That’s funny,” he let a thin smile tug the corner of his lips upward. The town seemed to be rather normal, but the people here were a bit odd. The man he was talking to seemed quite normal, compared to the rest of them, although it was a bit early to be certain about that. “That is a very kind offer,” he nodded politely and moved aside to let his new tea friend pay for the pie. Javier wondered whether he should be introducing himself as an agent or as a citizen. It was unlikely that this person would have anything to do with his case, or he was truly the luckiest investigator this town had ever seen. “Javier, I’m Javier Sterling,” he had made his choice. Little did he know that he would not be able to be just a citizen for long, or that his tape recorder had developed a mind of its own and decided to record his conversation with Arthur. Sitting at a table by the windows, Javier walked back to the counter to ask for cups. If he clearly disapproved of paper cups, he did not comment on it as the saleswoman handed him those, and he walked back to the table to pour them each a cup of tea. This one had been advised by one of the people he spoke to online, and he had high hopes and expectations about it.

“You think I’m joking?” he glanced at the man, and the look on his expression earned a momentary thought of ah, of course you do. A majority of the cod and salmon had been cleared away from the streets, but Arthur still noticed the occasional one dotted around down. One had even been on the spear of a statue in down, talk about being skewered. “Least I can do,” Arthur said pleasantly as Javier stepped aside and he could pay for the two slices of pie. With the introduction Arthur offered an extremely warm hand out for a polite greeting “Arthur Drake if you’re going for full formality.” Once they were cut and served on plates with a couple of forks, Arthur picked them up and carried them over to the table. “So, what brings you to White Crest?” he queried as he slid into one of the seats at the table pulling one of the two plates over as Javier sorted out the tea “I mean, beyond the picturesque scenery and excellent apple pie? Somehow you don’t strike me as the small town kinda guy.”

Javier looked at the man with a perplexed look on his face, trying to figure out if this was some sort of elaborate joke. The puzzled look on his face did not really fade away until Arthur held out his hand and Javier shook it firmly, hoping that this conversation about the falling fish would stop now. “Drake. El dragón,” he commented, before he turned his back on the man. Sitting at the table, he took some time looking outside, although there was nothing special that caught his eye this time. Getting his coat off of his shoulders, the agent unbuttoned his suit’s jacket to get more comfortable. Besides, nothing looked worse than a man sitting with a closed jacket. “What brings you to White Crest?” The question was repeated, with echo, the chatter of the bakery amplified. Javier had just opened his mouth to reply, but the sound did not come from his mouth, but rather from his coat. The agent frowned, glancing at the piece of clothing. Could he have both pushed the record and play buttons by accident? There was a sound of rewinding tape for a couple seconds before the tape recorder started saying : “ get out of my head, Carol. This is all very upsetting. I still have no clue on who could possibly have done it, why, or how? None of the victims showed wounds, and still, their entrails are all missing. All of it.” When Javier got his hands on the tape recorder, he realized that none of the buttons were pushed, and still the tape played. Great, the damn thing was broken. “Excuse me,” he said, ejecting the tape and putting it away in a case. “I’m here with the FBI,” he sighed.

Ah well, he would learn soon enough. Arthur was hardly here to blow the man’s mind, so left him to his ignorance for the time being. “Indeed,” the translation that Javier picked up on was just part of the irony of each name he picked. Though most tended to overlook the fact. Pulling the cup towards him he first took a sip and hummed quietly in appreciation. Just the right strength. He waited on Javier’s response to his question, but what happened next had Arthur furrowing his brows in confusion. Victims, wounds, entrails missing? He looked to the coat in question suspiciously and then at Javier frantically fiddling with it once he’d pulled out the apparent recorder. “Uh…” he blinked a little caught off guard while Javier dealt with his screwy technology “sure…” Though he couldn’t help but frown a little with the clarification that Javier was with the FBI, “I see…” he caught himself and sat up a little straighter already having a suspicion this man was here for more than just the apple pie “well, seems like something important brought you to town.” He tilted his head in mild curiosity, “a case?”

Javier pursed his lips. Putting the tape recorder next to his cup of tea, he grabbed the latter and took a sip of it before he answered Arthur's question. Judging by the look on the man’s face, it was necessary for Javier to explain himself. He idly snapped his fingers, staring at them as he focused on what he would tell him. “A case.” He repeated, grabbing his fork to take a bite of the apple pie. His eyes shut closed as a pleased expression erased any trace of worry the tape recorder had given him. Groaning happily, the agent snapped out of it after a few long seconds. Right, the case. “We have five people with their insides missing,” he added, having swallowed his bite. “That apple pie is, excuse me, fucking amazing,” he stared at his place with the most delighted look on his face. “What about you? Where do you work?”

Arthur couldn’t entirely help how his eyes flickered to the tape recorder, a paranoid part of his mind wondering whether their conversation had been recorded. Were there others in town like him? Did that mean that other people might’ve been recording and documenting things? It was a slight worry inducing thought and he couldn’t help the slight tap of his foot. He’d forgotten about the apple pie in his minor moment of paranoia, but as Javier began to explain why he was here he felt some of the knotted tension ease. Well, at least they weren’t here for other reasons… At least not yet. “Sounds rather suspicious…” he remarked as he thought on the roster of things that might be capable of such violence or potential feeding habits, though admittedly he didn’t know them off by rote “but… the recording said there were um-- no wounds did it say?” It was only at Javier’s remark that Arthur remembered that he too had some, picking up his fork he cut through the pie and had a bite pleasantly surprised at the explosion of cinnamon and sugary apple that hit his palate. “Damn… You’re right.” He took another bite, but at Javier’s question Arthur swallowed and took a sip of tea to clear his mouth. “Ah, just up at the college... I lecture in the history and mythology department.”

Javier pointed at his face, his round cheeks suggesting that he was in the middle of eating another bit of that superb pie. Chewing slowly, he took his time to finish his bite as it took more than a discussion about missing guts for the agent to lose his appetite. “No wounds, nothing in common between the victims, no traces of effraction. It’s as if a ghost murdered them all,” picking up the paper napkin to wipe at the corner of his mouth, he glanced again at the tape recorder. He could have sworn that he had seen it move. He did not recall pushing any of the buttons, and yet the pause button was pressed in. And now the stop button, without him touching it. “Well that is odd,” he took the machine in his hand, inspecting it closely. “I’ll have to order a new one,” he thought aloud, putting it away in his coat. "That sounds fantastic,” he gave the man a thumb up, picking up his cup to take a sip of tea. “I find both of those subjects to be absolutely fascinating,” he explained. Javier was delighted that he had had the chance to run into a teacher as he believed that this was one of the most generous professions one could have.

He didn’t particularly wish to rush the pie as it was exceptionally good, so he took to sipping on his tea mulling over the tidbits of the case this agent was working on. This was hardly the first time he’d discussed weird and gruesome things over food so he wasn’t particularly put off by it. “Strange, is there any sort of similarity between the victims? Gender, ethnicity, age?” Most killers had some sort of profile that they worked to, Arthur might not have been in the service in this lifetime but he knew the protocol. Had stuck to it himself in recent lifetimes. As Javier picked up the tape recorder that had seemingly pressed its own buttons, Arthur narrowed his eyes a little suspicious of the little device that seemed to have developed a mind of its own. “Can I have a look at that?” Javier had taken the tape out so Arthur hardly saw any harm in asking to have a closer look. The thumbs up earned a humbled smile, “ah, they certainly are that. Though the FBI seems like a fascinating job. Serving your country and keeping people safe, I’m sure there’s nothing else quite like it.”

Javier rubbed at his chin for a moment as he thought about the different victims. They had nothing, truly nothing in common, aside from being found dead, with nothing left inside their abdomen. Thinking about this reminded him of his dream and that woman he saw. Catherine Brissaud. Shaking her out of his mind, he sipped silently on his tea. “Nothing, absolutely nothing. Ethnicity, age, gender, hair color, fragrance, occupation, hobbies. I have been looking at their whole lives and nothing is similar so far,” he explained. He had not expected that Arthur would find his tape recorder to be so interesting, and now that there was no tape in it, what wrong could it do. He handed over the device, not sure what the man could probably do to fix it, although maybe Arthur had a few other skills up his sleeve. “It is an amazing job. I do not think I could really make a change any other way.” Javier had considered working as a police detective a long long time ago, but travelling and working on cases like this one was a lot more gratifying to him.

“Well… That sounds both horrifying and utterly perplexing,” Arthur couldn’t help but be equally fascinated and terrified by the thought of something like that. “And you’re certain it’s the same…” he caught himself from saying thing “person… doing this? What about location? No apparent circle theory?” Arthur knew a little about psychological models of criminal behaviour, having studied history of different eras it was pertinent to have some understanding of how criminals behaved and acted in their attempts to avoid capture. As Javier retrieved the tape recorder, Arthur slid it over and turned it over thoughtfully inspecting the buttons. Pressing one to let it play though no sound came out (as he expected) considering there was no tape. He tested each button individually, finding nothing out of the ordinary about it. Interesting. “I suppose most people think of the police or the army when they think about serving their country, but the FBI is pretty darn impressive.” As he spoke, Arthur ensured all buttons weren’t pressed or locked and set it back down on the table in front of him mostly to keep an eye on it. “How’d you come into that field? Not something you just walk into surely? If you don’t mind me asking that is.”

“The way of killing is too specific to be done by several people, unless we’re looking at a cult, of course.” Javier rubbed his fingers against his jawline for a moment. “Considering the murders have been taking place in the same town, there is not a lot we can do to establish a possible location for the culprit’s home.” Obviously whoever was doing this must have been from White Crest, but drawing a profile for them was nearly impossible. “I expect that they’ll make a mistake. They always do,” serial killers were not very original, but how long it took them to start being reckless, to start playing with the press, or law enforcement, was never a set number of days. If only it had been so simple. Javier watched Arthur inspect his tape recorder. He remained quiet, although he still wondered what it was the man was trying to achieve, pushing buttons and staring at them. There was no judgement in his eyes, and he looked at him with marvel in his eyes. “People tend to forget that we also serve our country and not just the Bureau. We have to thank television for this,” looking out the window, his eyebrows raised as he saw a familiar silhouette standing on the other side of the road. Once again, they disappeared the moment something blocked his view. “I’ve always wanted to work in law enforcement. Back when I was a child, we used to hear about the FBI a lot on television. I started sending letters to the FBI director that summer.”

“Not something you could rule out I suppose,” Arthur remarked as he mulled over the few bits and pieces that Javier had provided regarding his reasoning for being here. “I mean if it’s in the same town then surely the culprit has to be living within the vicinity of the town? So, it narrows it down at least in that regard…” He looked out the window towards the street, watching as a couple of people walked by unassuming. How many people could this case put at risk? Too many. Perhaps it was a good idea to offer assistance and simply observe this agent’s progress. Putting such a creature away would likely benefit everyone, but there was a small concern in the back of his mind that innocents could equally incriminate themselves considering the… special population variation that White Crest possessed. “Perhaps, but how long do you wait until that happens?” Arthur completed his inspection and frowned, turning his attention to Javier with his remark. “Yes, television provides a great many unhelpful stereotypes. Perhaps success will make some think differently at least?” He could understand the draw of law enforcement. It was a noble profession. “That’s quite a direct approach, I guess you made quite an impression if that’s how you got into the business,” Arthur grinned wryly at the thought of a young boy writing to the FBI asking to join them one day. It was rather endearing in a sense. “And you’ve been with them ever since? That’s rather impressive.”

“It has not been ruled out.” Javier had, over the years, specialized in working on crime related to those sort of organizations. All these grotesque deaths, however… Those didn’t happen all too often. Usually with them, it was rituals that ended up in an accident, or, a human sacrifice. This seemed different. There seemed to be nothing that indicated a freak accident or a sacrifice. There were no signs, sigils, drawings, books. He took out his notebook and wrote himself a memo to have a look at all the books in the victims’ homes. A chore, but one that he would do anyway. “Maybe they’ve already done it,” he looked up from his notebook as he closed it, putting it away. He probably had missed something, a detail, when he went to those crime scenes. He would have to be more thorough. “Well, I only joined when I finished training at the academy,” he scoffed. The thought of 11 years old him running around with a cardboard badge after his older brother came back to his mind and he laughed some more, shaking his head. Boy, did he bore his brother to death with his stories back then.

“How long has all this been going on for?” he asked curiously “no symmetry with calendar dates or lunar cycles?” There was always some sort of pattern that came with things like this, or at least there tended to be. It was simply a matter of finding it that was the issue. Arthur lightly drummed his fingers on the table in thought. “Are all the crime scenes in town? Perhaps there is something that might have been overlooked?” While he had no particular investment in assisting, a part of him couldn’t help but be curious as to what might be responsible for these murders. “Perhaps you need another set of eyes aiding you with the case?” In a past life this had been the exact same sort of work he’d been employed to do. To locate and track moving targets and attempt to pinpoint their location, admittedly on a larger scale than a single murderer or cult potentially responsible for such things. “Was there any sign of forced entry at the properties?” Of course, he knew Javier had no particular reason to divulge any information regarding the case at all but it never hurt to ask. Did it?

“There is some sort of regularity to this,” it had nothing to do with the moon, or with a day of the month in particular, but there was indeed a pattern. More or less every three weeks, a person died. This comforted him in his idea that he was dealing with a cult. They killed when they needed to, no more, no less, taking only what was necessary. The agent finished his slice of pie and wiped his mouth with a lot of attention before he replied. “There is no doubt that we missed something. Either that, or we are dealing with a ghost,” he shook his head and sighed. Rubbing at his face, Javier looked at Arthur through his fingers for a moment, entirely still and silent. “We’ll see. We don’t usually ask our consultants to inspect crime scenes. But if you find something interesting, I might have to make you tag along,” his hands dropped down onto his lap. He shook his head at Arthur’s next question, a thin smile appearing on his face. He could tell that the man was interested, but Javier wondered if his interest would falter as he found out that there was, so far, no way to identify the killer, or even start drawing a loose portrait of them.

“Oh? And what’s that?” considering they were already discussing this at length he didn’t see any harm in asking. It was only in the interim of discussion that Arthur chose to look down at the tape recorder and frowned a little at how a couple of the buttons he’d unpressed earlier were now pressed and the little cogs turning inside of the machine. Interesting. “You know, in this town I wouldn’t say that too loudly… Some people might really believe you if you said you were dealing with a ghost… Lots of folks believe in that around here, maybe it’s why your killer is getting away with things so freely hm?” he smiled a touch wryly at the agent, more in good humour the man sat opposite him was painfully human in his limited mindset. It was unfortunate really, he wouldn’t catch anything with that sort of mindframe. Arthur reached for a napkin which he unfolded and set on the table on top of which the recorder was placed. Next, he took one of the salt shakers and carefully unscrewed the lid and made a ring of salt around the device. A rite was spoken under his breath, and a grey cloud of something intangible shot out of the little speaker of the device. With this done, he picked up the recorder and inspected it once more. “I know you don’t,” Arthur said in simple understanding, he knew the protocols perhaps not the modern day ones but things hadn’t changed all that much in a century. The objective was still the same, gather the relevant evidence and hunt down the killer in question. “But, and correct me if I’m overstating - but I’m not sure the typical means of case operation will solve this mystery and I think you might’ve already begun to realise that… Plus, if I find something - it gives you a lead. If not…” he tilted his shoulder a little “no harm done. So, what do you say detective?” The question was posed with the offering of his tape recorder back - likely in fully functioning condition now if what Arthur suspected had been inhabiting it was right.

“I think it will happen again. In a week or so,” Javier replied, picking up his cup of tea and frowning at it. Lukewarm. Wrinkling his nose, he looked away from Arthur as he emptied a salt shaker on the table, too busy pouring himself a new cup of tea. If could see what he was doing from the corner of his eyes, it was not until he had put his thermos away that Javier looked at the state of the table then up at Arthur’s face. If he remained completely silent, you could tell from the look on his face that he disapproved of this. Picking up the napkin carefully, he wrinkled it in his hand so as not to make a mess, and put it in his plate, making sure that not one bit of salt would fall to the floor or on the table. “There was no need to pour out the salt shaker. I better not start mentioning folklore monsters that require being stabbed to you,” not that they had cutlery that could cause a problem, but Javier had already been stabbed with a fork in the past, and knew that this was far from pleasant. “So, people think ghosts are real then. What else?” Vampires, fairies, Big Foot, el Cuco? Having spent quite some time near New Orleans, Javier was used to people believing in weird stories, or telling them to their children to traumatize them (which was a custom Javier did not understand). Having taken care of this salty mess, the agent took his tea cup and listened to the professor’s explanation. It was not an unexpected offer, and on other occasions, he had been given the same one by other men and women before. All he needed to know was whether or not Arthur would pose a problem in the future. He did not seem like someone who would get in his way, or do dangerous things for the sake of helping him. First taking the recorder back from Arthur’s hand, he nodded quietly before explicitly replying : “Alright. I suppose we have an agreement here.”

His point made and task completed, Arthur looked slightly amused at the disapproving look Javier fixed him with. “Just trying to make a point at the strange thing people will do if you mention stuff like that around here.” The act was both meticulous in its layout and answered certainly enough what he’d suspected about Javier having no clue about the truth of this town. “Actually, most folklore indicates that beheading is usually the best course of action against most of those tall-tale beasties.” But he tipped a shoulder as Javier mentioned about ghosts, “I’ve actually found the people here believe in a lot more than just ghosts…. You’ll see soon enough.” He clasped his hands in front of him on the table waiting quite patiently, Javier didn’t have to take him up on the offer but it was there regardless and his interest was quite plain to see. “Very well,” he took out his wallet and fished out a simple black card embossed with his details in calligraphic silver script which he slid across the table with his index and middle finger. “Contact me a time that suits, I’ll be happy to come and offer any assistance I can that might be of any pertinent use.” He stacked the plates and cutlery, picking up the spare cup. “Thank you again - for the tea and the company. I look forward to hearing from you,” with a polite dip of his head Arthur delivered the plates to the counter to save the waitress from collecting them, collected his bag and made for the door.

#chatzy #p: javier

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finn-nelson-for-the-win · 6 years ago

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The Good Life: Chapter 2

Hello, my lovelies! I’m really pleased to see that y’all seemed to like the initial chapter of this story and I’m really liking the way that this story is coming along as I’m writing it. It may take a little while for this story to get to the real fun stuff, but I promise that once we get a lot of the basic plot laid down in the first few chapters, this story will be a lot of fun to read, so please be patient.

Need to get caught up on the first chapter? The Good Life: Ch1

If you want to be added (or removed) from the tags list for this story, just feel free to let me know!

@pink-royaute @believethaticanandiwill @milllott @likeashootingstarfades @i-dream-of-emus

The Good Life: Chapter 2

After adding another few songs to the queue on the digital jukebox next to the bar, Rae walked back to the table in the pub where the rest of her mates were sitting and arguing over something that had been said while she had stepped away from the table. “Ugh, I’m gonna be sick,” Archie scoffed as he turned away from the sight of Izzy and Chop kissing across the table from him, “please save me from this saliva-filled make out fest unfolding right in front of me!” “Oh Archie, let them have their fun! It’s just a little harmless kissing,” Rae replied with a chuckle as she took her seat at the end of the table next to Chloe. “Perhaps, but when you’re single and have no one to kiss it’s easy to feel left out of the fun.” Archie replied, receiving a chorus of agreement and reassurances from the rest of the table. Their conversations resumed as they continued drinking and catching up on what had been going on in their lives since the last time the gang all met up at the pub last month. “Oh yeah! I’ve been meaning to ask ya, Rae, how is the apartment search going?” Chloe asked when there was a lull in the conversation. “You’re looking for a new apartment? Is there something wrong with your current one?” Izzy asked in concern. “Yeah I’ve been looking for a new place to live since January. My current place is just too expensive and the location isn’t great for work and Uni, so I’m trying to find something closer.” “How’s it going then?” “Not great. For the area I’m looking at, the cost of a studio or one-bedroom are as much or more expensive than what I’m paying now. If I want to pay less money for the area I want to live in, I’ll need to find a roommate. I’ve been looking online and asking coworkers if them or their friends needed a roommate or anything, but I just don’t wanna get stuck living with some complete rando that I’ve never met, ya know?” Rae sighed and took a long sip of her drink before setting it back on the table. “Yeah, that makes sense,” Izzy replied.

“Do you need to find a roommate? What if you were able to find a place just for you where you could afford the rent?” Archie suggested.

“I suppose that would be an option, but I dunno...I’ve lived on my own for almost a year now and it has its benefits, but I don’t think I want to keep living all alone. It’s probably not good for me,” Rae added with a humorless chuckle.

“What do ya mean it’s not good for you?” Izzy asked quietly.

“So, what do you think you’re gonna end up doing?” Chloe asked a bit louder, leaving Izzy’s question to remain unanswered.

“My current lease ends in a bit over a month, so at this point I might end up just going with one of the few people I’ve met with already that seems halfway decent to be my roommate, since I don’t have much time left to be picky. I just wish that I knew someone that was looking for a roommate so it would take all of the weirdness of living with strangers away.” Rae said defeatedly as she gulped down the remainder of her drink.

A few seconds of silence passed between Rae and the rest of the gang, no one really knowing what to say, until the sound of a throat clearing distracted everyone from the dull roar of the other pub patrons around them. “I could be your roommate,” Finn said with a shrug as he reached forward to grab his pint off the table and take a drink. “You what?” Rae asked in surprise. “I said I could be your roommate, Rae. If you’d wanna have me as a roommate that is.” “I didn’t know you were looking to move out of your Da’s house, Finn!” Chop said.

“Yeah, where did that come from?” Archie added.

“I’ve been thinking about moving out and getting my own place for a while now, which is why I’ve been taking extra shifts at work, but I didn’t know when the right time was.”

“But why now, specifically? And how come I’ve never heard you mention anything about it until now? The last time I heard you say anything about moving out was when we were still in college and you were trying to prove that you could be independent and not rely on your da all the time,” Archie replied with an accusatory edge to his voice.

“Does it really matter how long I’ve been considering moving out? I didn’t mention anything because I haven’t really been looking for any specific places and I wanted to decide if I should live alone or with a roommate or a few roommates,” Finn replied defensively but he couldn’t stay upset for long before a smirk spread across his lips, “I’m sorry I didn’t ask ‘Uncle Archie’ permission to move out on my own.”

Everyone groaned at the mention of Archie’s old nickname for himself but the tension that had been present before had thoroughly dissipated. “Back to what we were talking about before...Would you wanna live with Finn, babes?” Chloe asked with her eyebrows raised in question.

“I don’t know...maybe? I’d prefer living with someone I know and I don’t have much time to find other people,” Rae turned her attention towards Finn more directly, “I think we get along well enough that we might actually make pretty decent roommates, don’t ya think?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“Okay, cool...well then, I guess I found myself a new roommate!”

The gang cheered and Finn gave Rae a small smile across the table, but Chloe sat beside Rae with her arms crossed and looking between her best mate and her best mate’s soon-to-be roommate with a look of uncertainty tinged with concern.

“That calls for a celebratory drink, don’t ya agree? I’ll go order us all another round!” Chop replied as he clapped Finn on the back and shot Rae a wink before walking away from the table to place their drink order.

When the gang had grown tired of the pub, they all decided to walk downtown to one of the few chip shops that would still be open this late at night. Archie stood at the door holding it open for the gang to walk into the chip shop, but Rae was stopped just as she approached the door.

“Hey, Rae! Can we chat out here for a minute? Just the two of us?” Chloe asked by placing a hand on Rae’s shoulder to gently pull her away from the rest of the gang.

“Uh sure,” Rae replied with a shrug as she walked back to stand beside Chloe.

“What did you wanna talk about, Chlo?”

“What the fuck just happened back there, babes?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well as of about an hour ago you were still struggling to find a roommate and now you’re planning to share an apartment with Finn?”

“Yeah, I guess so! It’s crazy how well that worked out, huh?”

“No kidding! It seems like it all worked out a little too well, if you ask me.”

“Oh, come on, Chloe!”

“No, Rae, I’m serious! Why is it that none of us have ever heard Finn mention moving out of his da’s house until tonight? Archie had a really good point. Why did he choose now of all times to move out?”

“I think you’re both reading way too much into all of this. I mean, what kind of ulterior motives could Finn have for asking to be my roommate?” Rae looked over and saw Chloe was about to speak but she waved a dismissive hand to stop her, “on second thought, I don’t wanna know.”

“I’m just looking out for you Rae.”

“I know, and I’m thankful for you trying to protect me, but I think you’re worried needlessly. It’s not like Finn is a total stranger. He’s been part of the gang since long before I joined and he and I are fairly decent mates. Even if we didn’t get along so well at first, we’ve gotten to know each other over the years and we get on really well now. I feel like of my possible roommates, he’s my best option.”

“I hope you’re right, Rae.”

“I have no idea what to expect from living with Finn or how this will all work, but I’m sort of okay with that. I’m looking forward to some much-needed change in my life!”

“Just know that I’ll always be just a call or text away if you need me. And I expect to be informed of any and all apartment decisions the two of you make during this whole process!”

“As if there was ever any question that I’d do that!” Rae replied with a roll of her eyes, “now come on! I’ve been craving some greasy fried food all week and there’s a plate of chips calling my name inside there!”

Chloe and Rae chuckled and shared a quick hug before the pair walked into the chippy and joined the rest of the gang at the table they were sitting at as they waited for the food they ordered to be prepared.

A/N: I’m fairly certain that exactly nobody was surprised to find out that Finn volunteered to be Rae’s roommate because if you all are anything like me, we’re all thirsty bitches and just love any type of scenario that puts Finn/Rae in the same settings hahaha. Both Chloe and Archie seem a bit unsure about Finn and Rae living together...do you think they know something that we don’t????

DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN (sorry, I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic lol) Rest assured, this story will have a bunch of fun twists and turns based on some real life events, so hopefully this story won’t become too cliche.

I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I’ve decided to start posting all of my writing on my AO3 account as well, since who knows how long Tumblr will stay afloat and I’ve used that site before and quite liked it. I’ll still be posting here on Tumblr, of course, but my goal is to at least have all my writing backed up on AO3 at some point just to be safe!

Anyways...until next time: Stay awesome, my friends! :)

#mmfd #my mad fat diary #mmfd fanfic #my mad fat diary fanfiction #my writing #finn-nelson-for-the-win #The Good Life #the good life: ch2

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years ago

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Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it? “lots of random BLAH faces. also, ppl seem to ask if im okay a lot too, so i wonder if i look like im distressed or upset or smthing. i do sort of wear my feelings on my face w/o realizing it” <<<< Yeah, same. “Blah” faces covers it perfectly. I also have expressions of discomfort among the others you mentioned. Do you always listen to music when you’re online? Nope. I like never do that. I typically have the TV on for background noise and I’ll sometimes also listen to ASMR or catch up on YouTube videos from those I’m subscribed to. If so, what are you currently listening to? Right now I’m watching Catfish. When you can’t sleep, what do you do? I’m always up until like 4 or 5 in the morning, and I just watch TV, watch/listen to ASMR and other YouTube videos, do surveys, scroll through Tumblr, and color sometimes. Did you like the last book you read? What was it about? Yes. I have one I started like 3 months ago that I need to finish, too.

Do you prefer things (Movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh? Depends, really. Have you ever rubbed your eyes so much you couldn’t see for a while? Not for a long time, but yeah it took a second for them to get back into focus. Do you like people more or less when they have similar tastes to you? Why? I like having a lot in common, but it’s fun having different tastes, too, because I learn about new things that way and they can show me/teach me about things I might not be familiar with. Do you ever forget how to do really simple things? Like what? I wouldn’t really say I forget, I just have like moments of brain fog. What would you change about your current physical appearance if you could? A lot of things, but I’d start with my smile. Were you born with naturally straight teeth? They’re pretty straight. Do you pull faces at yourself when you look in the mirror? Sometimes. Usually ones of disgust, ha. Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I have one I’m on a schedule for. Do you prefer acoustic or studio versions of songs? Both, just depends. Do you quote movies often? Any ones in particular? Somewhat. Bridesmaids and Mean Girls come up often. If you were the opposite gender, what name would you like to be called? *shrug* Do you like the sound of your computer’s keyboard typing? Sure. If you had to make a superhero secret base somewhere, where would it go? I have no idea, but if I did I would tell you. Duhh. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? Neither. What about chocolate or peanut M&M’s? I like both. Your favourite band: Do you prefer their old or new stuff? I don’t have one particular favorite band. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? Yeah. What pattern was on the last pair of socks you wore? Just black. Would you rather have a big house or a big garden? Big house. Are fireworks illegal to buy where you live? Certain ones we can have, but not like the big ones you see at special events. When was the last time you felt dizzy? Earlier, actually. Do you have a crush on anyone who’s unattainable? Why are they? Alexander Skarsgard. ha. Can you talk and work at the same time? Sometimes. Do you care more about yourself or more about others? Others. I’ve neglected myself in a lot of ways and haven’t been taking care of myself like I should have been. Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? I tend to just do the things I listed already most of the time, but yeah there’s days where like it’s not really doing it for me and I’m just bored with everything. Do you like going to museums? Any particular type? Yeah. Ones with historical artifacts are really cool. Is there anyone you don’t think you’ll ever get over? Who? I think I’ll always think of them now and then. I don’t have romantic feelings for them anymore, but I miss them and they were at one point really special to me. I’ll always have a place in my heart for them. Are you ever scared of people reading your survey answers? Obviously not... well, except for people I know personally. If you could change your accent, would you? To what? Southern or British. Totally different types of accents, but I like them both. What time do you usually go to bed at on weekends? I usually go to bed around 4 or 5 regardless of the day. Does any part of you itch right now? No. How often do you re-watch / re-read things or are you more ‘once only’? I re-watch shows and movies a lot, but I don’t re-read books for some reason. What time is it right now? 2:31AM. Should you be doing something else instead of this? What? I mean, probably sleep but that’s not going to happen. What colour are your eyes? Do you like them? Brown. I wish they were blue or green. What colour ink do you prefer writing in? Black. What is your favourite kind of take-away to order? Fast food I like to get Taco Bell, take out from a restaurant I like to get Applebee’s. What is your favourite joke? *shrug* When was the last time you met someone who shared your first name? It’s been awhile. Have you inherited any garments from your parents or grandparents? I have a shirt of my grandma’s and one of my grandpa’s that I got after they passed away. When was the last time you took a picture? What was it of? Yesterday I took a photo of our Elf on the Shelf. I do that whole thing where you do different photo ops with it each day. Do you ever watch movies with the subtitles on just for fun? Sometimes. Usually it’s because we’re watching something at night and we don’t want to have the TV up too loud. Also, some shows or movies seem to be too low no matter how high you turn the volume up. It’s pretty useful sometimes. Do you tend to call people by their birth name or a nickname? Depends on the person. I have a cousin who we only call by his nickname and saying his real name always sounds weird. When was the last time you visited the doctor? Why did you go? Last Thursday for my routine checkup. I go every 1-2 weeks to that particular doctor. Do you ever wear shoes even though they hurt your feet? I don’t have that problem.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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trulyhopelessromantic · 4 years ago

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There’s a lot going on with me internally so maybe it’ll help if I write it out?

This has to do with some impostor syndrome, some frustration about certain aspects, some feelings of loneliness, some lack of direction in life, and other stuff...

Heavily on my mind recently is the lack of interaction on my writing page on Facebook, my Patreon and anything to do with my advertisements of any pieces of my writing.

I’ve spoken on this before but right now I just feel friggen... angry. I tried to take a bit of a break on the more ‘serious’ work Beauty & the Brit which makes me some money every month on Patreon.com when I release new content for it and instead this month focus on some fun with The Nutcracker Prince story I wrote and finished last year by hosting some livestreams to interact with people about it and about Christmas and I dunno just encourage some escapism as well as get people to read the story and (hopefully) comment on it. All for free, I might add. So all the hours of work I’ve put in advertising this four-part event to the 4 part story is done of my own free will. Unless people read something and then decide to sign up as a patron, I am not getting paid this month for hosting these events on my official Facebook (as that is easiest to livestream from).

But like 1 person has joined in on the ‘fun’ and while I’m grateful for that I’m still upset. If I wanted to hang out with my friend I would just do so on a 2 way video chat. Granted, her boyfriend joined in on the game this week but she had to type his answers in via her profile so there was some delay...

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or selfish when I complain about things like this. But it’s coming from a place of me just being frustrated and met with this sort of radio silence over and over again when I try to work hard on developing my presence as an author via various social media. It really feeds into me feeling like maybe I need to focus on being a better writer not a better advertiser for my work. Makes me think I am shit at both things, actually. Because no matter how much advertising I do or how much content I release, I see no response towards it.

There’s nothing I hate more (well there are things but go with the phrase) than when I’m talking and you can tell people aren’t listening anymore because they start talking to someone else and/or walk away while I’m in mid-sentence. That’s what this feels like. Feels like I’m talking to myself; feels like I’m a ghost.

Look social media algorithms probably block my stuff from getting through certain places. Ok fine that’s shit but fine. However when I see traffic graphs on various sites I’m posting on going up, I begin to wonder. Coz clearly people are “walking by” but they aren’t stopping to look. Or if they are they aren’t impressed. It’s been said (not by me first) that reblogs and comments are the currency for an audience who consumes media whether a picture, video, piece of writing, you name it. Nobody is paying the price of admission. In fact barely anyone is even hitting ‘like’ on my stuff which frankly when I see that gets me excited for half a second until I realize they hit like but they can’t be bothered to also share what they like. Like throwing some glitter to say “hey pretty” or whatever but then walking away. Like looking at me for a second then moving on.

I have had the rare comment on a piece. But at this point it’s so rare that I just don’t get very excited anymore because the comment that I get rarely feels fulfilling. It’s like “OOOH I LIKE THIS” and then I never hear from the commenter again when I personally go in and thank them. It also doesn’t really feel as fulfilling because those comments are on my one-shots and fan-fics. So like stuff that people already like the characters enough to go and click on my work and then they say “good”. So I am good enough when it comes to a little one-shot about someone else’s character but my original work is left alone with me in my room, in my head, in my word documents and on the pages where I publish it but it’s only appreciated by my eyes. That’s what this silence feels like.

2020 has been hard on everyone in different ways and I could go on for a long time about all the difficulties I’ve faced myself but generally right now I just want to acknowledge the frustration and anger I feel at trying so hard this year to keep myself together enough to post consistently and produce writing content and related content and put my work out there and keep advertising and hosting things to garner interest and then have so little to show for it.

Frankly I feel so sad to the depth of my core at this. I’m trying I’m putting my energy into something out into the universe and am met with thoughts of “you’re not good enough and what you’re doing is not good enough because as you can see there’s so little returning to you for this”. It’s not great.

I feel like I have to reinvent my whole process, my whole routine, my everything to do with writing. I have to stop what I’m doing, I have to just go silent and write and get better at that and then maybe seek out other pastures like trying to hire an agent or something instead of independently trying to gain some interest in what I do. Maybe friggen write short pieces for magazines (gag) or something like that to “prove my worth” as a writer.

I don’t want to give up but I’m running out of steam some nights and some days. I emotionally don’t and I emotionally can’t keep doing this.

So I dunno what to do. Maybe Beauty & the Brit gets put away and I work on novel(s) that I want to traditionally publish and not get money on Patreon anymore because that’s just my friends and sister on there (currently) giving a couple of dollars to me a month and even they aren’t interacting much with the content (1 person is maybe once a month or so). That’s not great. 1 of 5.

And another thing is that I’m too shy to prompt people in their inboxes or personally and individually ask them to take action. Whether friends or whether potential readers; I feel silly going and messaging people and handing them a link. It feels like spamming people or something. I’ve never been good with that sort of thing and I hate conflict I don’t want to alienate people. If I’ve asked you once to check out a piece of my work it’s generally because I felt it was appropriate to do; it wasn’t random and unsolicited.

And anyway this feeling of putting out more than I’m getting back is in a lot more than just my writing/advertising of that. It’s in other relationships in my life and other scenarios that I don’t want to detail here because I could go on for awhile and only upset myself and possibly those people too if they read this. As my counselor told me in the summer (when I had a complete break down and had to call our city’s distress line to find someone to help me out with my stress) I’ve let people cross my boundaries and I know I keep letting this happen because I’m... I’ve never been a person good with conflict. I don’t like also feeling like I’m being selfish or unreasonable or high maintenance or a bother or a burden. I also know that certain things in the lives of people around me would be made easier and/or better if I keep my mouth shut about how I’m actually feeling. Or would be made better if I do something even if I’m not up to it/not up for it. For months now I on again and off again do things I don’t want to because I know it will improve the life/day of someone else. I know in my head I have to stop it for my own sake but I can’t bring myself to acknowledge it to that other person or persons when I know it would *possibly* upset them to hear. So round and round I go. Furthermore a lot of these individuals are dealing with bigger mental health problems than I am or that I ever had. I know it’s not my job to hold them up but it’s hard to put down a boundary that I know will be really difficult for that other person to find in between us.

Also, recently I’ve started to feel lonely again. I try not to think about it or acknowledge it but it keeps popping its head round. I’m getting older and I still have no romantic interests. Yeah 2020 made that real difficult to solve so I get that and for the record NO I will not be joining online dating so don’t suggest or ask. No. But like I just wonder when and where I’m going to find someone I want to date and that wants to date me. At this point it feels weird for me to say that because I feel like I should be in a long term relationship and/or married and/or thinking about marriage. What depresses me is that I know I couldn’t and shouldn’t marry someone after knowing them only a couple years. So, I have this sense of urgency because if I’m going to be with the man I’m going to marry for several years then time was up long ago. I don’t want to start having kids when I’m about to turn 40. And no, I will not be having children before I’m married. It’s probably dumb to others but to me it’s not at all unreasonable to want to have time spent with my future husband before we marry. Coz the thing is my biggest fear is not knowing enough about one another and really being sure enough and then divorcing down the road and heaven forbid I have kids in the divorce. As a child of divorce myself that has always been my biggest fear. Anyway enough with the analysis of all that I just... I’m friggen trulyhopelessromantic for gosh sakes and I have not experienced romance myself yet. It makes me want to sob. So I just don’t think about it other than matter of factly (I don’t have a love interest. Dot, period, the end) and don’t acknowledge it much. But it really, really bothers me.

As does the fact that I have no easily visible career path. Again 2020 botched some ideas I had and I’m sitting here feeling frankly hopeless that I can’t and won’t find something to do for work that I’m going to enjoy doing. Because writing right now is not anywhere close to being an income; it’s like some weekend spending money that I get once a month to cover one weekend a month; it’s quite a low amount. And I have been trying sooo hard to make it work out to be a little more than that. A little. But as said, no. I got a temporary job this winter to work a festival but due to this damned virus we never went through with it. I was REALLY hoping to get that money. That’s another fucking stress is money. I need it; we all do.

My brother gets money monthly for income support (which to my understanding means he has to look for jobs while on it but doesnt...!?!?? yet still receives it) and on top of that the child tax credit for having his daughter in his care. It drives me mental to see him pretty much always buying what he wants when he wants and sitting in our basement not fucking cleaning it up and smoking pot a few times a day and leaving all the fucking weed stems around down there that our basement smells horrible and playing video games (whenever a new one comes out he seems to have it) and watching Netflix and TV and buying Christmas gifts he got a $100 giftcard for my sister with cash without batting an eye as I looked on meanwhile me I was thinking spending $40 on each sibling was a bit much especially in my budget and now I feel like I need to put more because all of them guaranteed are getting me gifts that will be worth more than that. But, they’re all working (minus him) and I’m not. I mean I have my casual contracting work with Apprenticeship but I get paid only $100 and it’s once a month and now they’re fucking taking away the 12.75 I have normally claimed on top of that for travel because “it’s not parking and you’re not coming from out of town so transit fares might not qualify for reimbursement” since the fuck when!? FUck. sorry that’s sometihing from earlier in the week and I’m typing so fast with mistakes coz I’m so mad at that. I barely make anything and now they’re cutting that back too. Anyway back to my brother basically he does nothing all day with so few worries and gets paid by the government meanwhile I feel like I’m in a fucking crisis trying to find a career path and a job path.

I rarely apply for jobs because I can’t bring myself to look, I can’t bring myself to know what to look for, I can’t bring myself to apply for anything that I know will be temporary or anything that I know I do’t want to stay in because I am sick of having a max 3 year turnover when I have a job. I want to go into something with the hope of staying around, growing, and ultimately enjoying what I’m doing too. My jobs in life thus far have all had to end and only a couple of them I even liked in the first place and that makes me sad that I don’t have any idea on what I want to do and can do and should do. I thought hey let me be an EA I didn’t mind that job when I did it in London. Yeah our provincial gov cut funding and reduced jobs in that sector combined with COVID that’s going to be a high supply job with people a lot more experienced than me applying for the limited positions. So fuck. Then teaching is kinda the same thing and I sure as hell cannot start my teaching career during a pandemic; I mentally can’t do it and the schools aren’t hiring me to do it even as a supply teacher. They’ve rejected me a number of times even pre-pandemic. Great.

Oh go back to school then! Yeah ok what money am I using to do this? What program am I taking? Again, I have no clear answers so why take a step into fog?

I want something clear, a fairly clear path that I can confidently take steps on. Or an end-goal that I can plan for. But I don’t have any of that. I feel lost.

I’ve felt lost for awhile in a lot of parts of my life. I’m just floating, just existing, just...being. Just stuck. Just depressed (not diagnosed but some days I do wonder if I have a mild form somehow).

Further to this all I have unresolved grief which my on-going counselor can’t help me with until the new year because she “needs to get permission to do the grief counselling she’s trained in”. I guess I could seek help elsewhere, I realized that as I typed out that last bit. I dunno. I just... miss my nephew and I have put up pictures of him but I don’t actually start to think about him because that grief comes up inside me. I won’t detail all those thoughts and feelings now because I don’t want to process them at 12:22 am and be sobbing in my room here. So I’ll just leave that there and say that I miss him.

I also feel like I have such a short attention span sometimes. And in recent years like there’s something wrong with my brain because I sometimes have bad word recall in the middle of talking or typing. Both of these things bother me and scare me. Not going to go into that because again it’s better for me emotionally not to actually delve into it.

I am doing that a lot with a lot of things: starting to have a thought or emotion and putting it away. Because I can’t process it and/or don’t want to acknowledge it because of how deeply it will upset me.

And there are more things that bother me and weigh on me but I won’t get into them because some of them aren’t actively going on right this moment and no use getting upset about past stuff (that will eventually repeat and/or come back to bother me more at a later date)...

I’m going to keep this post handy for when I talk to my on-going in the new year. We’ve only ever had 2 sessions so I just don’t know much about what to expect and/or talk about but this might help?

I feel like the guy in the summer I spoke to gave me that solid talk about boundaries and that has helped me a lot or at least opened my eyes a lot and now I just need to find the right footing with my on-going counselling. IDK we’ll see.

Well I’ll conclude this late-night blogging; maybe it’s helped to get it all out physically? I hope so; releasing a bit of steam from the bottle as it were.

oh damn and I forgot to mention about feeling so sad and drained about Christmas this year. Ever since I can remember I’ve always gone to my grandparents’ house for our traditional Christmas Eve meal and gone to church then slept over at their place and awoken Christmas Day there. Then of course the 2 yrs I was in London I didn’t get to do that but at least I got to Skype the family as they did it and still felt a part in some small way. Well now this fucking virus and damn assholes not doing their part to slow the curve has made it so that we have to do the entire thing on video chat this year and I honestly might be able to get over the meal bit of it being digital but I can’t wrap my head around waking up Christmas Day in my own bed in my own house. Like I’m about to cry writing that out. So going to file that away like the rest and end here.

Fucking fuck.

#there's a lot here but I just need to type it out for my own self

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battrishcrazy · 7 years ago

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This was going to be a review and thoughts on the book MOXIE, but 1. I’m not quite done with it yet. 2. I think its important to share my views first and then my review of the book separately… ALSO I’ve never reviewed a book before because typically I don’t read so don’t judge me too harsh once I do, do that. So this starts off as notes on what I wanted to write about in the review then a LiLBaT rant on my I suppose almost political views on equality and then just well read it if you want….. this would probably be better as a video too BUT again sitting in an office with a bunch of thoughts in mind. ... ... MOXIE: Cheesy; A bit too many things all at once but keeps if interesting My favorite character is Seth because he is the voice of equality and keeps reminding “hey not all guys are like that, not all guys are the same” which is typically me saying that from both sides … I really don’t want to get into too much of my opinions on gender equality and just equality overall because I’m not looking to upset anyone or start a war online. Not that I’m scared to voice my opinion or have one just this is just not a time for that. And keep having this rant in my mind and have tweeted a bit but now I’m blogging, right? … I usually stay in my bubble… I feel what I feel, but have had a way stronger opinion on a lot of things the past month I would say. I never really felt that I needed to post about it or stand up for it just for the sake of it. Not that I dont. I voice my opinion when it’s needed and stand up for people when I can and when I feel its right. I actually step into a bunch of situations, and don’t need to give examples of them because this is not what this is about… … What started me being feisty I think was. When I went to a class a few weeks ago, the whole beginning was many of the women attending saying how they felt they are treated bad just because they are women; how that has put a hold or stop to their goals or feel like they cant ever achieve what they want in life because of that. I KNOW and FEEL for the people who experience that BUT I can’t say that I have. I mean I suppose I have; now that I’m really thinking about it, of course I have we all have BUT I NEVER LET IT AFFECT ME. I may have in the past but not with the thought of I cant do this because I’m a girl/women so I can say I cant recall an instance when I let gender or any other classification keep me from being me and trying to do what I want. (and I haven’t made it yet for many reasons but I’m still working and this blog is part of that) I think that is what frustrates me the most… I know not everyone thinks or feels how I do. Good god, do I know that because I feel so much. I am so very EMO and that’s OKAY. That doesn’t just mean I’m sad which is a whole other rant for another day! (if anything I feel like I get judged on that more then anything to do with my body). To use “I’m treated differently, so I can’t” as an excuse gets me fired up! YOU CAN. You can do or be whatever you want. It’s not easy and as things may seem easy from your perspective of someone you don’t know how or what it took for them to get there either. Your judgment and being like well they are “male/female” whoever/whatever it is that you think is discriminating against you well that’s kind of what you’re doing in response? … (Again a lot of this has to do with the book MOXIE, that I’m currently reading) I am NOT against feminism. But I am not a feminist. I do not really put myself into any category besides like the emo/goth? I guess…. But like I mean that has to do with my likes and dislikes and the appearance I choose to have because I feel it is me. Its what I like to look like and I feel weird when I’m not myself. Which lately I’ve been to tired or busy and just want to sleep instead of waking up and doing my makeup, and I did it today and I feel awesome because of that. I do get treated differently sometimes because of my style BUT again I don’t let that be an excuse to not work for what I want. My style has been refused by many but also has gotten me noticed and my interest that are part of that style helped me get the job that made me realize and shape my current goals and future plans. (see first blog for more on that) … I’ve been adding a bunch since my original note, I started typing out so this is going to take a bit of a jump here but this is how my brain works, and the two are linked in my mind. Just a topic that I need to get out in the world, and out of my brain from recent times or kinda past times as well. … I DO NOT CHOOSE SIDES!! In a similar example of fairness and equality in everything….. Fights in friend groups I don’t do. I do not take sides, I do not choose, I stay with as many connections as I can and that upsets one person or another well then well that’s not being fair to me. (and I do experience this quite a bit, and should voice to the people who make me feel that way and remind them I am around to be a friend and listen but I do that to everyone I consider my friend. I do not base my opinions or choice in who to hang out with based on someone else’s dislike of them. Someone said recently that I thought I was “higher” and “better” then them. That is not the case at all, not ever. Anyone who thinks that doesn’t know me at all. And the person who said this definitely should know me better then that. I know my life is better without certain people in it. With that said I do forgive and forget. (a lil background) Only 3 people my entire life I chose to cut out and have stayed out.... I don’t cut people out and don’t need to go into the details because I’m in a good, happy mood and just clearing my mind. Anyways…. One of these people I would gladly speak to again because they were just caught in the middle and stuck to a side that I cut out. The other two I truly know my life is just better without. That doesn’t mean they are bad people or bad friends but they weren’t good to me or for me. I now realize this about other people too who walked out of my life and cut me out and it hurt so much but now looking back they were so bad and unhealthy. I can be civil to one of these people, we have mutual friends and I can be in the same room or event or whatever with them. Just as I don’t choose sides, I don’t expect others to choose mine. Also in this case there is really no sides, there was no argument, It was just a life chose that needed to be made to no longer spend time with this person. (and it really does hurt me that it wasn’t a right friendship, and also that everyone else makes it so awkward when we have been around the same place. I DO NOT HATE THIS PERSON, I DO NOT THINK I'M BETTER. I just know I’m better without and I’m sorry for that). And it all feels childish that I am feeling this way at 28. A know I have matured so much over the years to have these opinions and views. Especially with being at peace with the people who broke be and chose to leave my life. I am better off now. And that doesn’t mean I wont be sad if someone cuts me out again, because I will 100% be broken hearted if someone chooses to not be in my life or I have to make that choice. I don’t even want to think about that. I wanted to say that most of these thoughts are on my mind because this book is about kids in high school but this is just life and the experience I just talked bout happened only like a week ago… … … … Anyways that’s all I got for now.... all started as a note on my phone about MOXIE. So that’s a lil bat rant for you.. nothing too serious but hey it feels good to get it out even if no one reads it.. there will be probably quite a few of these, and most likely will end up being video rants now that I’m getting back into sharing!

MAIN POINT HERE. be kind and respect others (and yourself) for who you are, what you think, how you feel, your goals, your dreams, etc, etc...

blog link: http://www.justtrishsmith.com/lilbatblog/march-25th-2018

#moxie #equality #lilbat #feminism #friendship #love #be yourself #be kind #have a voice #respect others

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amandaj718 · 7 years ago

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Participatory Culture and You: Does a Fandom Ruin a Show or Character?

Fandom.

It is an entertaining, reassuring, annoying, downright scary part of loving a piece of art. Yes, this art does include television shows. I’m convinced we are seeing a manifestation of Andy Warhol’s art in reality shows. That is for another essay though.

Anyway….

Fans are there to celebrate the highs and the lows. You develop friendships that go beyond just talking about the show. You find your creative center. You can overanalyze and criticize the show and not be considered ‘weird’ for doing so. You can swap theories and inside jokes. Fandom becomes this community of sorts. A place to stop by when the real world is getting too rough.

It’s another version of the ‘third place.’

That is a lot of fun. Until it’s not.

Which leads me to the question that has been populating my fandom riddled brain.

Does Fandom Ruin the Enjoyment of a Show/Character?

This reminds me of an academic writer named, Henry Jenkins and his theory of participatory culture. I used to read him in graduate school and I loved what he found out. In case you are wondering what participatory culture is, “…an opposite concept to consumer culture — in other words a culture in which private individuals do not act as consumers only, but also as contributors or producers.” (Jenkins). It is the way we went from being passive in how we enjoyed our art to be more active producers. It depends on where we affiliate ourselves (Tumblr/twitter/message boards), how we express ourselves (fan videos/fanfiction/Meta-analysis), how we work together to solve problems tasks (special events that are by the fans for the fans), and how we shape what we see while enjoying our art (reviews/podcasts).

It’s how we contribute in our participatory cultures that have us enjoying the art on a deeper level. That includes a few more ideas that came out of studying participatory culture. Jenkins came up with a phrase called, textual poachers from his 1992 book, Textual Poachers: Television Fans and Participatory Culture. Textual poachers are:

How fans construct their own culture by appropriating and remixing—”poaching”—content from mass culture. Through this “poaching”, the fans carried out such creative cultural activities as rethinking personal identity issues such as gender and sexuality; writing stories to shift focus onto a media “story world’s” secondary characters; producing content to expand of the timelines of a story world; or filling in missing scenes in the story world’s official narratives order to better satisfy the fan community. (Jenkins; 1992)

Whew. That was just me nerding out (Look Ma, that graduate degree came in handy) but what does this all mean towards my question? What shows have some of the strongest and largest fanbases that stretch generations and have recently turned to the internet to join forces with others?

If you guess soap operas, you are right!

Soap Operas have fans that have grown through the years through the generations that watch. This is very true for two soaps I love, Emmerdale and The Young and the Restless. One from the United Kingdom and another from America. Two different worlds, same participatory culture, and textual poaching.

I’m going to compare these two soaps I enjoy. Emmerdale and The Young and the Restless.

Emmerdale Fandom (As I See It)

Emmerdale has a powerful fandom. The fans are protective and opinioned which makes for a fun time. Not kidding. Having so many different feelings and views gives you more to talk and think about. There are more people to talk to about theories, favorite characters and even how we feel about certain writers. The fanfiction and fanart are heavily available for any character you want (even the characters who are long gone). The meta is outstanding and people knowing the histories of every family is aplenty. You can always ask a question and get an answer.

People are taking the art in front of them and putting their own spin on it, poaching it if you will.

With that said, poaching the material and making it our own is when things get messy. Head canons become fact for people. Shipping outside the norm becomes a sore spot for the fandom. Some even think the poaching goes too far. Some want to participate but feel left out of the well-established groups already formed. Some even take those discussions we have and take it too far letting opinions upset or get them.

How people shape and view the characters or a storyline on the soap can affect how others see a storyline or character. While you think, ‘I’m not that easily swayed’ you would be surprised how strong group think gets while everyone is in their little online worlds. Fractured fanbases make it hard to participate in this fandom and still be respected for the contribution. It comes in waves and right now, we are surfing on a fractured wave.

For instance, I’m heavily involved with the Robron fandom. The current storyline and split have caused a fracture that always happens when a soap couple ends things. Except, this time, there seems to be a war going on. In fact, I found that I’m starting to hate Aaron when I know I don’t hate him. Not for a minute. However, being constantly shouted down for pointing out faults, not understanding someone’s head canon or letting troll take over the fandom space makes the character harder to love. Which, for the lack of a better word, sucks. I think I can argue that a lot of people feel that way.

The Young and the Restless Fandom (As I See It)

The Young and the Restless. The fandom has a smaller social media presence but still as loud and opinioned as the Emmerdale fans. One could argue there is less textual poaching in this fandom. There isn’t as many theories or meta. There is participation through reviewing and using social media to talk about the soap. People know their character histories and are well-versed on showrunners and producers. Less on the writers.

With that said, things can be angry fast. Usually around the showrunner. The biggest drama isn’t always who should be paired with who but who is running the show and if they are doing a good enough job. That starts the showrunner wars. We are in the middle of another changeover, and the fans are arguing over who should be picked next. It is less about what is happening on screen (it’s there) but what happens off screen that effects the fandom and how they participate within the fandom.

The ship wars are never bad. The storylines are usually mocked and tolerated. It is the fighting about behind the scenes drama that does me in. I really don’t want to care about the showrunner. I don’t care who is running the writers room. I just want to see my favorite characters every day at noon dealing with the craziest of problems. I want to see who gets thrown down a volcano not who said what to whoever in the dressing room last week.

What was the Point of That?

What was the point of comparing the two fandoms and shows? There are two different fandom and two distinct ways they participate in their shows. Emmerdale is intense about what is happening on screen while The Young and the Restless is passionate about the behind the scenes that what happens on screen.

Which brings me back to the original question. I’ll remind you. Does fandom change how you feel about a show/character?

I believe it depends on how intense the fandom can be. Emmerdale has an active, intense young fandom out there. Opinions are shared and misheard, and people take those meta/fanfiction/gifs and love or hate them. Fights happen easier and the longer you stay in that world participating, the easier it can get to feel like what others feel like (group think sneaks in again as well as wanting to agree, so you don’t have to fight with someone anymore). It makes it hard to enjoy a character or show on your own terms.

The Young and the Restless has an older fandom that tends to stick to discussing or reviewing the show than getting deep into the meta/fanfictions/gif making. They don’t textual poach but there is a culture of participation that can affect how you see things but easier to walk away from seeing as things never get that intense over what is happening on screen.

So, yes, I think a fandom can ruin a show or character, but only if you stay too long and stay unhappy. Meaning, this can all be fixed by walking away for a while. Watching the show and its characters on your own terms. Get a better footing before jumping back into that culture of participation and the groups that form. It is easier to do that with The Young and the Restless seeing as it isn’t as intense and the participation is small (I have walked away too. For a year and it was the best decision. I can watch the show with clearer eyes now).

Emmerdale is harder to walk away from. The show itself has been one of best things I stumbled upon in a long time. It’s a different look at how soap operas could be running, and the fans are passionate and lots of fun. That fun can turn on you fast though when a story doesn’t go the way the fanbase wants, and their poaching of the material doesn’t help lessen the blow. People arguing can get old and hard to ignore. Like I said, I should walk away but I can’t. I’m too rooted here now. I have met many smart, talented and fun people in this fandom. I love the fanfiction. I love the gifs. I love the jokes, and I love how people try to make the best of a bad situation. Even though things are rough and people are getting more and more cynical, I see hope there. A positive that is on the horizon. It’s just rough to see it for long right now.

So, how do I fix this feeling? Tell me below or Tweet/Tumblr me @AmandaJ718. I’m very interested in getting opinions on this. Until next time, I’ll see you around in Overthinking World. It lives next to Denial World and Theory Land (THEORIES DON’T GET A WORLD?). If you got that reference, you get a cookie and a trip to St. Olaf. Enjoy.

#Emmerdale #The Young and the Restless #Robron #opinion piece #Participatory Cultures #Textual Poaching #soap opera

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suckitsurveys · 7 years ago

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What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? Coworkers talking, the AC, and me typing.

Do you live in a town where basically everyone knows everyone else? Definitely not. I live in Chicago, there’s over 2.7 million people here.

When was the last time you or someone else in your family bought a vehicle? I have no idea. My dad’s car is a 2008, so probably then. Well, I bought mine 3-ish years ago, but not new.

Are your grandparents the kind who are very protective of you? No.

Have you ever, or do you live on a farm at this moment in time? Nope.

When was the last time you had any kind of chips? What kind were they? I had tortilla chips yesterday.

Are you one of those people who can’t help but download everything they find? No?

How many things in the past have you bought off Ebay? What things? Zero.

When was the last time you took a nap? Did it relax you any? I rarely take naps. I can’t remember the last time I napped.

Honestly, do you see yourself as a slut? Nah, but you do you girlfran.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever been through? Losing my mom. Today’s the 4 year anniversary of that.

Do you like fast food or does it disgust you? It doesn’t disgust me.

Have you got a hairdresser that you can trust? Yeah, my cousin.

Do you wear a lot of make up?: Nope.

Do you get nervous before exams? Nah.

Have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital? As a baby.

Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Nope.

Have you ever bought clothing online? Yes.

Have you ever worn flip flops in the snow? I have.

Are you big on partying? Nope.

Are you listening to music right now? No. SO MANY YES OR NO QUESTIONS.

What mood are you in right now? A semi-okay one.

What are you currently hearing right now? Why are surveys so obsessed with my ears?

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? A customer.

Do you regret anything from your past? No regerts.

Did you speak to your father today? Not yet.

How many months until your birthday? 1 and a half.

Have you ever hugged a complete stranger? Probably.

Do you often use the term “slut”? Not super often, but when I do it’s never in a negative way because slutshaming is gross.

Where are your parents? My dad is most likely at work in his office.

Do you ever wonder what your ex or most recent “thing” is up to? I mean, occasionally they pop into my head, especially in surveys that ask about them, but I definitely don’t think about what they are doing on a regular basis.

What are you going to be doing later? After work I’m probably going to go to target to see if I can find shoes for my wedding on Monday and then I need to go to the store to get dinners + snacks for the next couple of days.

What’s in your pockets? The jeans I’m wearing have fake pockets wtf.

What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? I’M GETTING MARRIED ON MONDAY WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever felt completely lost? Mhmm. Literally and figuratively.

Who do you talk to first when you’re upset? Mark. Lydia. Sarah. Ellen. Kayla. I just realized you said “first” oops.

Would you rather someone just listen to you, or try to give you advice? It toooootally depends on the situation.

Do you know anyone who has the same birthday as you? A girl in my high school. And mc chris. and Keanu Reeves.

Do you have nightmares often? Almost never, fortunately.

Could you date someone taller than you? Of course. Most people are taller than me.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Strawberry green ice tea from Starbucks.

Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 year younger? Mark is 5 years older than me :).

Do you like your parents? My father is pretty cool and my mom was too when she was alive.

Have you ever moved to a different state? Nope.

Have you ever lived in a house with a basement? Yup, and I currently live in a basement apartment.

Have you ever gone a week without sleeping? No thank god. I’ve gone a week with very little sleep, but not NO sleep.

Ever pretended to be sick? Yeah, school was a rough time.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? You do whatever the fuck you want in your relationship, just make sure you talk to the other person about the boundaries.

If someone liked you right now would you want them to tell you? Nope. Keep those feelings to yourself, buddy, I’m off the market.

Have you ever broken a heart? Mhmm.

If someone told you that you were a whore, what would you say back? Cool.

Is your hair up? Nope. My bangs are pinned back but other than that it’s down.

Ever lay on a rooftop? Sure.

Three hours ago were you touching someone of the opposite sex? I was not.

Do you have a lighter on you? Nope.

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? A Campus store around here.

Have you ever thrown a shoe at someone? I’m sure.

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you? I don’t think so, but it’s possible? If she has been she’s never told me. Online friendships are weird.

Last person that went to the mall with you? I believe that was Liz.

What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? WEDDING TRIP.

Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? Yes.

What’s something you really want right now? To go home.

Are you tanned? Slightly.

What are you supposed to be doing right now? Nothing. My lunch is almost over, though.

Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18? I’m 28 and never having kids, so.

What are you wearing on your feet? My Birkenstocks.

Be honest; first name of the last person to text you? Kayla. Wow that was very very very hard for me to admit. ?

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone? Mmhmm.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Yes.

#surveys

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thecoroutfitters · 5 years ago

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kansascityhappenings · 6 years ago

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Facebook screens posts for suicide risk, and health experts have concerns

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But the question remains: Should Facebook change the way it monitors users for suicide risk?

‘People need to be aware that … they may be experimented on’

Since 2006, Facebook has worked on suicide prevention efforts with experts in suicide prevention and safety, according to the company.

In 2011, Facebook partnered with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to launch suicide prevention efforts, including enabling users to report suicidal content they may see posted by a friend on Facebook. The person who posted the content would receive an email from Facebook encouraging them to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or chat with a crisis worker.

In 2017, Facebook expanded those suicide prevention efforts to include artificial intelligence that can identify posts, videos and Facebook Live streams containing suicidal thoughts or content. That year, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline said it was proud to partner with Facebook and that the social media company’s innovations allow people to reach out for and access support more easily.

“It’s important that community members, whether they’re online or offline, don’t feel that they are helpless bystanders when dangerous behavior is occurring,” John Draper, director of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, said in a press release in 2017. “Facebook’s approach is unique. Their tools enable their community members to actively care, provide support, and report concerns when necessary.”

On Monday, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline told CNN in an email that “the Lifeline has advised Facebook on the development of their suicide prevention reporting tools and guidelines.”

When AI tools flag potential self-harm, those posts go through the same human analysis as posts reported by Facebook users directly.

The move to use AI was part of an effort to further support at-risk users. The company had faced criticism for its Facebook Live feature, with which some users have live-streamed graphic events including suicide.

In a blog post, Facebook detailed how AI looks for patterns on posts or in comments that may contain references to suicide or self-harm. According to Facebook, comments like “Are you OK?” and “Can I help?” can be an indicator of suicidal thoughts.

If AI or another Facebook user flags a post, the company reviews it. If the post is determined as needing immediate intervention, Facebook may work with first responders, such as police departments to send help.

Yet an opinion paper published Monday in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine claims that Facebook lacks transparency and ethics in its efforts to screen users’ posts, identify those who appear at risk for suicide and alert emergency services of that risk.

The paper makes the argument that Facebook’s suicide prevention efforts should align with the same standards and ethics as would clinical research, such as requiring review by outside experts and informed consent from people included in the collected data.

Dr. John Torous, director of the digital psychiatry division in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center’s Department of Psychiatry in Boston, and Ian Barnett, assistant professor of biostatistics at the University of Pennsylvania’s Perelman School of Medicine, co-authored the new paper.

“There’s a need for discussion and transparency about innovation in the mental health space in general. I think that there’s a lot of potential for technology to improve suicide prevention, to help with mental health overall, but people need to be aware that these things are happening and, in some ways, they may be experimented on,” Torous said.

“We all agree that we want innovation in suicide prevention. We want new ways to reach people and help people, but we want it done in a way that’s ethical, that’s transparent, that’s collaborative,” he said. “I would argue the average Facebook user may not even realize this is happening. So they’re not even informed about it.”

In 2014, Facebook researchers conducted a study on whether negative or positive content shown to users resulted in the users producing negative or positive posts. That study sparked outrage, as users claimed they were unaware that it was even being conducted.

The Facebook researcher who designed the experiment, Adam D.I. Kramer, said in a post that the research was part of an effort to improve the service — not to upset users. Since then, Facebook has made other efforts to improve its service.

Last week, the company announced that it has been partnering with experts to help protect users from self-harm and suicide. The announcement was made after news around the death by suicide of a girl in the United Kingdom; her Instagram account reportedly contained distressing content about suicide. Facebook is the owner of Instagram.

“Suicide prevention experts say that one of the best ways to prevent suicide is for people in distress to hear from friends and family who care about them. Facebook is in a unique position to help because of the friendships people have on our platform — we can connect those in distress with friends and organizations who can offer support,” Antigone Davis, Facebook’s global head of safety, wrote in an email Monday, in response to questions about the new opinion paper.

“Experts also agree that getting people help as fast as possible is crucial — that is why we are using technology to proactively detect content where someone might be expressing thoughts of suicide. We are committed to being more transparent about our suicide prevention efforts,” she said.

Facebook also has noted that using technology to proactively detect content in which someone might be expressing thoughts of suicide does not amount to collecting health data. The technology does not measure overall suicide risk for an individual or anything about a person’s mental health, it says.

What health experts want from tech companies

Arthur Caplan, a professor and founding head of the division of bioethics at NYU Langone Health in New York, applauded Facebook for wanting to help in suicide prevention but said the new opinion paper is correct that Facebook needs to take additional steps for better privacy and ethics.

“It’s another area where private commercial companies are launching programs intended to do good but we’re not sure how trustworthy they are or how private they can keep or are willing to keep the information that they collect, whether it’s Facebook or somebody else,” said Caplan, who was not involved in the paper.

“This leads us to the general question: Are we keeping enough of a regulatory eye on big social media? Even when they’re trying to do something good, it doesn’t mean that they get it right,” he said.

Several technology companies — including Amazon and Google — probably have access to big health data or most likely will in the future, said David Magnus, a professor of medicine and biomedical ethics at Stanford University who was not involved in the new opinion paper.

“All these private entities that are primarily not thought of as health care entities or institutions are in position to potentially have a lot of health care information, especially using machine learning techniques,” he said. “At the same time, they’re almost completely outside of the regulatory system that we currently have that exists for addressing those kinds of institutions.”

For instance, Magnus noted that most tech companies are outside of the scope of the “Common Rule,” or the Federal Policy for the Protection of Human Subjects, which governs research on humans.

“This information that they’re gathering — and especially once they’re able to use machine learning to make health care predictions and have health care insight into these people — those are all protected in the clinical realm by things like HIPAA for anybody who’s getting their health care through what’s called a covered entity,” Magnus said.

“But Facebook is not a covered entity, and Amazon is not a covered entity. Google is not a covered entity,” he said. “Hence, they do not have to meet the confidentiality requirements that are in place for the way we address health care information.”

HIPAA, or the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, requires the safety and confidential handling of a person’s protected health information and addresses the disclosure of that information if or when needed.

The only protections of privacy that social media users often have are whatever agreements are outlined in the company’s policy paperwork that you sign or “click to agree” with when setting up your account, Magnus said.

“There’s something really weird about implementing, essentially, a public health screening program through these companies that are both outside of these regulatory structures that we talked about and, because they’re outside of that, their research and the algorithms themselves are completely opaque,” he said.

‘The problem is that all of this is so secretive’

It remains a concern that Facebook’s suicide prevention efforts are not being held to the same ethical standards as medical research, said Dr. Steven Schlozman, co-director of The Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital, who was not involved in the new opinion paper.

“In theory, I would love if we can take advantage of the kind of data that all of these systems are collecting and use it to better care for our patients. That would be awesome. I don’t want that to be a closed book process, though. I want that to be open with outside regulators. … I’d love for there to be some form of informed consent,” Schlozman said.

“The problem is that all of this is so secretive on Facebook’s side, and Facebook is a multimillion-dollar for-profit company. So the possibility of this data being collected and being used for things other than the apparent beneficence that it appears to be for — it’s just hard to ignore that,” he said. “It really feels like they’re kind of transgressing a lot of pre-established ethical boundaries.”

If you are having suicidal thoughts, we urge you to get help immediately.

Go to a hospital, call 911 or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).

Click on the boxes below for our FOX 4 You Matter reports and other helpful phone numbers and resources.

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