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143hyunes · 1 year ago

Text

Cacoethes

pairing: hyunjin x fem reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut (Minors DNI !!)

summary: So in conclusion: Hyunjin was not a creep. He just had a weird obsession with the stranger in the train. Hyunjin was an inquisitive person, which is why his favourite past time was observing people in the train. He would spend his way back home observing people and forgetting about them as soon as he left the train. So why couldn't he forget you?

playlist. ao3.

warnings: strangers to friends to lovers, non-idol au, childpsychologist!hyunjin, alternating POVs, extreme pining (hyunjin is a simp), y/n is afraid of the dark, descriptions of a panic attack, hand holding (this is not the victorian era i swear), mutual pining, clubbing, mentions of puking, oral sex (f. & m. receiving), cum eating, fingering, nipple play, marking, protected sex, shower sex, dirty talk, faking an orgasm, mentions of a car accident, mentions of death (none of the MCs), ghosting

wordcount: 10k

a/n: my entry for the skzwritingcafe event for May-June. i hope you guys like it <33 this oneshot is kind of inspired by 500 Days of Summer (very loosely). pls leave feedback & reblog and lmk if there are any mistskes, enjoy!

cacoethes

noun RARE

an urge to do something inadvisable

an insatiable desire : mania

Day 1

There was a small but certain happiness in travelling by a train, though it is an inconvenience for many daily commuters during rush hours, Hyunjin loved it maybe because he travelled during the late hours, when there weren’t many people on the train but enough. He liked listening to music and daydreaming or observing people on the train from different walks of life. He always came to the conclusion that at the end of the day, even though everyone was different, the situations and problems they went through were similar which made them like-minded individuals.

It was just another ordinary day, Hyunjin was listening to one of his favourite ballads that day. Whenever one song ended and the silence that ensued till another song played, brought him back to the real world, giving him a reprieve from his mind, reminding him that a world existed outside of his mind. This silence was a kind of faux silence, not loud but definitely enough to arouse him of his surroundings. Today however, there was a different sound that entranced him.

Your laughter that was like a siren song on treacherous waters, demanding his attention. Whatever song played next seemed to ebb away as he looked for the source of the sound that was like music to his ears.

You were reading a book that was in your lap, he assumed that it must have been the reason for your laughter. He couldn’t look away from you, how your hair fell on your shoulders, encasing your face that was concentrated on the book, the furrow of your brows, all this making you look adorable.

That night when he went home, after freshening up, Hyunjin sat in front of the TV, the TV was on but the voices faded into the background as he thought of the stranger in the train, seemingly so oblivious of the world around her. No sound or movement was enough to break you away from the imaginary world you were seemingly in.

Hyunjin never understood people who would cry, laugh or get angry over books or tv shows and movies alike, because for him no form of media had ever evoked such emotions in him. Hyunjin reasoned that the only reason you wouldn’t escape his mind was due this empathy that he seemed to lack, there’s always envy in the absence of something. Yes, that’s all it was jealousy in the wake of humane curiosity, at least that’s what he told himself when he woke up dreaming about you.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 8

Hyunjin was not a creep, he was just an observer, it was kind of his job to observe and help people wherever needed. He had always been like this, not much of a speaker, quietly listening. His big eyes always curious and absorbing everything around him, like a natural instinct. Him studying you was no different than the other times he would observe strangers in the train, putting them in categories that he had made up. That’s what he had deluded himself into believing, reality however was a bit different.

You were different, he didn’t find himself looking for the silhouettes of other strangers on the daily, like he did with you. It had been 8 days since he first saw you and yet he couldn’t look away. It had become second nature, to observe you everyday, reading a book every time.

Your red nose was the first thing he noticed about you today and then the drops of tears on your cheeks that he wanted to wipe away.

What?

Hyunjin had no idea where that stream of thought came from,”Stop thinking about unassuming strangers in inappropriate ways. Seriously, get a grip on yourself man.”, he thought to himself.

The reasoning he gave himself for such thoughts was that it was his nature to want to comfort people in distress as a Psychologist and it’s not like he would act on his thoughts. So in conclusion: Hyunjin was not a creep. He just had a weird obsession with the stranger on the train.

When the internal monologue in his brain had quieted down, Hyunjin noticed the title of the book you were reading,’Before the coffee gets cold’, when you lifted the book to wipe away your tears and he made a mental note to look up the book on the internet later when he reached his house.

He didn’t really read novels but he was curious about what made you cry, especially on public transportation.

He was an emotional person but didn’t cry easily. Maybe this book would evoke emotions in him that he had buried deep down.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 13

You had had a bad day at work today and just wanted to get lost in the world of one of your romance novels to wash away the stress of what was a tedious day of work. You loved your job as the assistant marketing manager and being part of the graphic design team, you really did, but your co-workers were hellbent on testing your patience like no one ever had. But you couldn’t just shun your duties, especially not if they were direct orders from your superior, which was to babysit the new intern and clean up after his mistakes.

You would understand if it was just one mistake but he fucked up three times, posting the wrong ad campaign on the official social media account and consecutively deleting it.

You had to take the fall for it obviously because he was working under you. You had to hold your tongue too because the moron had gotten his internship through nepotism and his relative was a higher up in the company. Office politics really were the bane of your existence and you vowed to dismantle hierarchy in the office (who were you kidding, you can’t even speak up when the waiter messes up your order).

You inwardly cursed yourself for choosing an office job.

You wouldn’t say you were eager to travel from the train everyday, you didn’t care much for public transport. Yes, using it was good for the environment and all that but that’s not why you used it. Driving after a long day of work was stuff out of a nightmare for you. You saved money on gas and didn’t have to buy a car too.

Plus you really liked reading your favourite books on the train, it was very different from your reading nook in your home, a different kind of good. You liked getting lost in a world other than yours, it felt like a reward somehow.

That morning in the train, you had just gotten to the part where things were starting to get interesting in your novel but unfortunately you reached the station for your office.

You couldn’t wait to pick up where you left off that morning.

“Lift your hips for me, love.”, reading that line had single handedly made you lose any shred of sanity you had left, you would scream into a pillow if you could. The book didn't have any explicit scenes in it but the overall sexual tension and buildup was, in your opinion, more satisfying and arousing to read than any explicit scenes. You really loved reading about people falling in love and slow burns.

The giddy smile on your face however faded when the train screeched to a stop and everything went dark. You could feel your throat closing up, like it was closing in on itself.

Making you slowly lose control over your breathing and the small train compartment suddenly felt too hot. Your heart was beating so fast as if you had run a thousand miles a minute.

You felt like you were drowning when you heard someone asking you to focus on their voice, pulling you out of the water.

“I need you to focus on my voice and list 4 things you can feel.”, the deep voice said.

You listed them out: A firm hand under your right palm, your book, the kind stranger’s soft breathe, your clothes.

“Okay, now can you please list 3 things that you can hear?”

“Your voice, something tapping against metal, the sound of my heart.”

“You’re doing great! Now list two things you can smell.”

“My perfume and sweat.”

“You’re okay now. List one thing you can taste.”

“My saliva?”

He chuckled at your answer that actually sounded like a question, the sound of his chuckle was like a hug of comfort in the daunting darkness.

The train was moving again and the light was back in the next five minutes. You realised that you were still holding onto his arm and quickly released your grip on it, profusely apologizing for gripping it so tight that it left marks on his soft skin.

Gosh, just how much could you embarrass yourself in a single day!

He smiled a smile that could rival the brightness of a thousand suns and said that it was okay and asked if you were feeling better now.

He was really pretty and your metaphorical jaw was on the floor and suddenly you forgot how to form a coherent sentence.

The confused look on his face brought you out of your stupor and you knew you had to answer him soon, before you embarrassed yourself further. “I’m okay now all thanks to you. So, thank you.” You managed to somehow make your voice sound both curt and squeaky at the same time.

You could not make yourself look at him, much less have eye contact. So you just decided to look out the window. In the reflection of the window, you saw him putting his head phones back on which you hadn’t even noticed were around his neck.

When it was your turn to get down you thanked the stranger again and slightly bowed to further show your gratitude.

That night you couldn’t fall asleep so you decided to bake. You weren’t stress baking but rather ‘I-have-embarrassed-myself-too many-times-in-a-day’ baking. Though baking definitely didn’t help you forgot about the beautiful stranger.

Three hours of baking too many cookies for one person to consume later, you finally went to bed, exhaustion from the day catching up to you. You had to wake up in 4 hours and you were already dreading it.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 14

Today was turning out to be better than yesterday. Your cookies were a hit at the office, as always. Your superior even forgave you for yesterday’s mishaps. Though he would never admit it, it was mostly because of your cookies.

You even saved a box of them for the kind stranger from yesterday. Hoping that he would board the same train as yesterday and so you could properly thank him.

When you saw the familiar tresses of his soft, long hair that made you want to run your hand through it, you sighed a breathe of relief.

You hadn’t thought far and were sure you wouldn’t get to see him again today and words escaped you again.

You were rehearsing in your mind what you would say to him when you felt a pair of eyes on you and looked up to see him looking at you before he looked away. He seemed very interested in something out the window.

You decided that you would be brave and would stop acting like a shy teenager and just talk to him.

You tapped his knee to get his attention. “Hey I don't know if you remember but you helped me through a panic attack yesterday, I wanted to thank you for it. I baked some cookies and there were some extra so I brought them for you.” You offered him the box with the best smile you could muster.

When a few beats passed and he didn’t take the box from you, your confidence started to wane. The lone box suspended in the air awkwardly by your hands. “Uhm, nevermind.”

Of course, who would take the box of cookies from a strange lady on the train! No sane person that’s for sure.

You cringed as you slowly brought the box back to keep in your lap when he stopped you and took the box from you.

“Thank you for the cookies, I was just really taken aback. Which is why I didn’t take the cookies at first, not because I thought that cookies were poisoned.” He said rubbing the nape of his neck.

You laughed at his attempt at a joke. “It’s really okay, I would be skeptical of taking cookies from a stranger too. Thank you once again for yesterday. I’m really grateful because you were very kind and didn’t make me feel bad for having a phobia that children usually have. Other people haven’t been this kind.”

“You really don’t have to thank me. And I’m sorry other people weren’t as kind. Thank you for the cookies, I’ll enjoy them.” He said smiling, his eyes turning into crescents.

“I’m Y/N by the way.” You said extending an unsure hand for him to shake, did people even shake hands these days?

He laughed and shook your hand. ”I’m Hyunjin.”

»»———-　　———-««

Day 22

It had been 7 days since Hyunjin had last seen you. Now it wasn’t like he was counting down the days or anything, he just wanted to return your tupperware. 3 days of not seeing you and he was worried, he wondered if something happened to you and if you were okay.

On the 5th day he wondered if you were avoiding him, he recalled his last conversation with you for any indication of your behaviour that would suggest you were avoiding him. He came up with nothing and decided to stop assuming things. He didn’t want to admit it but he missed his the beautiful stranger.

After more than a week was when you came back. When he entered the train he could smell your perfume, the scent which was very similar to that of jasmines but not quite the same, it drove him up the wall. He would ask you one day what perfume you used.

When he sat down beside you, he handed you your tupperware. You smiled at him, then slowly shaked the box, raising your eyebrows at him.

“Those are blueberry muffins in the box, my mom has always said that you should never return tupperwares empty.”

“I bought these from a local bakery though, I can’t bake as good as you.”, he replied, giving you a sheepish smile.

“Thank you for the muffins, I really like these ones.”

“Oh, before I forget, why didn’t you use the train these last few days?”

“I got my periods and the first two days are really painful so I usually avoid going to the office on those days. And for rest of the days I don’t use the train because I have really bad backache.”

“Oh ok, I hope you feel better now.” Hyunjin was relieved your absence was not because of him.

“Yeah, I do.” You said smiling, pulling out your book of the day from your bag.

When Hyunjin noticed the book, grinning, he grasped one end of the book in your hand. You gave him a quizzical look and were surprised by his sudden behaviour. “Is this the sequel to Before the coffee gets cold?”

“You’ve read Before the coffee gets cold? And to answer your question, yes it is”

You had an amused smile on your face and he decided he would tease you. “Wow, I’m offended, you don’t think I could read a book just because I’m a pretty face?”

“Your words not mine dude. I just can’t imagine you reading this kind of an emotional book, you look like you only read academic textbooks.” You added with a hint of playfulness in your tone.

“Well I did read this book and I almost cried too, towards the end.”

“What do you mean almost cried? I was bawling my eyes out. In fact I’m pretty sure the pages of this book are covered with my snot.”

“I don’t know, I wanted to cry especially after the last chapter but my tears wouldn’t come out? It’s like I’m emotionally constipated.”

You laughed at his raw candidness, and he concluded that he could part seas to hear the sound again.

That day your conversation over the book lasted till you had to get down. Your voice increasing as you excitedly raved about the book. Hands gesturing around with a twinkle in your eyes, he couldn’t look away even if he wanted to.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 37

“And then he stuck the gum he was chewing on my desk.” Hyunjin was currently telling you about his terrible work day. He part timed at a Government facility, which was a detention center for troubled teens. Today, he had to counsel a 15 year old who was downright rude and had charges on him for vandalism.

“I’m not saying I love my job but it beats having to deal with angsty teenagers on a day to day basis.”

“I mean, it’s not all bad, the other day this autistic girl made a card for me and it was really cute. Also I really like helping people and as sappy as it sounds, making a difference.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out, Hyune. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

The use of the nickname didn’t go unnoticed by him, it wasn't the first you had used it but it made his heart flutter all the same.

It had been a little over two weeks since he became closer to you and your friendship blossomed.

You didn’t expect to find a friend in such an unlikely place, you looked forward to the end of every day, talking to Hyune about everything and nothing. Talking to him was as natural as winter turning into spring, the ice melting away so beautiful flowers can blossom.

Just as suddenly as spring had come, he’d slowly warmed his way into your heart.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 61

You always seemed to forget the reason why you hated clubbing, which is why you always let Sakura drag you to one. She was your bestfriend and you loved her more than anything in the world but her habit of getting shitfaced drunk was something you wish you could break.

You were currently two drinks in, enough to break you out of your shell but not quite enough that you could hit the dance floor. You downed three more in order to join Sakura on the dance floor. You don’t know when it happened but you were currently grinding up against a stranger and you could feel the outline of something that was definitely not his phone. If you were lucky, you would get to go home with the handsome stranger.

At least that was the plan, before you got a call from Sakura, “Hello? Kkura?”

The call got disconnected before you could get another word in. A few seconds later, you got a text from her.

kkura ♡ : washroom. NOW.

you : coming

you : are u ok?

When she didn’t reply, you quickly apologised to the stranger and excused yourself. You started looking for the washrooms. When you found them, you entered to find Sakura hunched over the toilet seat, spilling her guts out. You slowly rubbed her back and removed your phone to call Han. He was also one of your bestfriends, he couldn’t come with you guys today because he was busy creating yet another track, life as a musical producer meant that even his Saturdays were spent labouring away.

The phone rang thrice before he picked up,"Hey Y/n. What’s up?"

“Kkura is really sick, can you come pick us up? It’ll be really hard to get a taxi from here.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there, text me the address.”

After texting him the address, you helped Sakura up and made sure she drank water.

Both of you decided that waiting outside was much better, the music was just too loud. The entrance of the club was mostly deserted save for a few people smoking and a strange man that kept glancing in you guys’ direction. You knew you were safe and that the man wouldn’t misbehave with people around but you still messaged Han to hurry up.

you : can you get to the club faster? there’s a really strange man here and i’m pretty sure he’s going to rope us into a pyramid scheme or a cult

You were surprised when not more than five minutes later you got a call from Hyunjin. You wondered why he was up so late. Clearing your throat, you picked up.

“Uhh, Hyunjin?”

“Where are you?” There was an urgency in his voice, tone frantic.

“Club Red Lights?” You meekly replied, unsure of the reason he had called you.

“Stay right there, I’m coming to pick you up.”

“Wha-” Your words died on your tongue when you heard the line end.

You mentally smacked yourself when you saw that you had sent the message meant for Han to Hyunjin.

His concern for you made you feel warm inside or was it the alcohol you had earlier?

Ten minutes later when Han arrived in a taxi, you helped a very dazed Sakura get in the car. You explained the situation to Han and how you were going to wait for Hyunjin.

“Are you sure? Do you want me to wait here with you till he has arrived?”

“Yes, I’m sure Hanji. You don’t need to wait for me, just make sure Kkura gets home safe.”

“Okay if you say so.” He leaned in for a hug, when you were swiftly pulled away from the embrace.

“What the fuck” Han exclaimed, while you let out a gasp.

“Hyunjin!”

“Is this the guy you were talking about?”

“No Hyune, calm down. This is my friend, Jisung. The message I sent you was actually meant for him.”

“What message?” Han inquired, while glaring at Hyunjin.

“We’ll talk about this later Ji, you should take Sakura home.”

“Goodnight! Text me if anything, ok?” Han said finally embracing you, without strong arms pulling you away.

“Yes I will, goodnight Ji.”

When the taxi drove away, Hyunjin turned to you with a sheepish smile,”I’m sorry for my outburst earlier, I was really scared when you messaged me so late.”

You couldn’t help the blush that crept up your cheeks.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, I was kind of buzzed when I sent that message, how did you even get here so fast?”

“I drove.” He replied, shrugging. “Shall we get going? Where do you live?”

After giving him the address, you got in the passenger seat. The whole ride you couldn’t help but keep stealing glances at him, he looked so attractive driving. Seeing him in a striped blue and beige sweater was disconcerting, in a good way. You had only ever seen him in work attire, and he looked so stunning in them but him in casual clothes was somehow even better.

You tried to snap yourself out of it, and were convinced that the only reason you were ogling your friend was because of all the drinking you did earlier.

When you reached your apartment complex, Hyunjin insisted that he would drop you to your doorstep. On seeing how much you were staggering, he helped you to your bed. He even insisted on removing your heels for you. A shiver ran through your body when his big hand touched the straps on your ankle. He takes his time undoing the straps, but even that's not enough. You want to fall asleep in the warmth of his arms.

He’s going to leave soon, you don’t want that. You wish he would stay, even if it’s till you fall asleep. You don’t like saying bye even though you know you will meet him again.

Can’t you stay?

When he stops in his movements and looks up at you with his eyes widened, you realise that you said the sentence out loud. You hoped you it didn't sound as needy as it did in your mind.

“I-uh-Sure.” He stammered. “Where do you keep your aspirin?”

“It should be in the cabinet near the refrigerator.”

Keeping the glass of water and bottle of aspirin on your bedside table he noticed you were fast asleep, softly snoring. He smiled at the sight, pulling up your blanket to cover you.

He was getting ready for bed when he had received your message. To say that he was worried would be an understatement. He drove to your location using the GPS, his speed astonishing even to him. He hadn’t speeded since that incident, and that was two years ago.

When he reached the location and saw you in your silk dress and your cheeks flushed due to the alcohol, he couldn’t help but think about how gorgeous you were. You were about to embrace a man and Hyunjin didn’t know what came over him. Was it Panic? Anger? He wasn’t sure, his only thought was to get you to safety. And he did something irrational.

But now, he was endeared by the sight of you snuggling into your covers. His heart skipped a beat when you had asked him to stay. Your desperation very evident when you uttered the last word. He decided it was best to leave now or he would really end up staying with you.

You woke up the next morning at 11am to the worst hangover you had ever had, the aspirin on your bedside table helped. You had to meet up with Sakura and Han in an hour for brunch, so you had a quick shower and got ready.

“Well well well, if it isn’t Ms. Y/N.” Han began in a voice that was too cheerful for your hungover brain.

“I’m too hungover to have a civil conversation with you right now, Han.”

“That’s too bad because I want to know who that guy was from last night and why you went home with him.”

“You went home with some guy last night?!” Sakura exclaimed.

“I didn’t “go home” with him, he just dropped me off when I sent him a text meant for Han. And he’s not just some guy, he’s the friend I made on the train.”

“You went home with Train Hottie?!?” Both of them exclaimed in unison.

Your friends had dubbed Hyunjin as the ‘Train Hottie’ when you had told them about you having a panic attack on the train.

“Can you guys keep it down? My head is still pounding.” You scolded.

“Wait you never told me what the text was about.” You showed Han the text while shoving avocado toast in your mouth, which they had ordered for you.

“He thinks I’m a cult leader?!” Han replied slightly offended.

“It’s more likely that he thought you were some guy who roped people into pyramid schemes, Sung.” Sakura muttered, both of you bursting into laughter.

Han just shook his head and playfully smacked Sakura’s hand.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 98

Something was off today, Hyunjin noticed that as soon as he entered the train. You were slumped over in your seat, your head in your hands. As he sat down beside you, he nudged your shoulder,”Hey, you okay?”

You looked up, your eyes full of anguish as you figured out how to answer him, your mind at war, if you should be honest or not.

You decided you would go with the half truth.

“I-Just had a bad day at w-work.” You croaked, on the verge of tears.

“Can you take a day off tomorrow?” He asked. You just nodded, not having the strength to reply.

Hyunjin pondered for a minute before grabbing your hand.

“What? Where are you taking me ?”

“I don’t know.” And he really didn’t, he wanted to cheer you up somehow and it wasn’t possible in a moving metal box.

Both of you got down at the next station, his hand never leaving yours. He didn’t know it but you always felt safe in his presence, it brought you comfort in times where everything felt wrong.

His pace quickened and you had to jog to keep up with him. As soon as you guys exited the subway, he looked for a convenience store.

“What flavour of ice cream do you like?”, he inquired.

“Anything that doesn’t have fruit in it.”

He picked two packets of vanilla ice cream that was covered in chocolate and shaped like a chocolate bar.

“These are my favourite.”, he exalted grinning, his eyes turning into crescents. You couldn’t help the smile contorting your features, his childlike joy at buying his favourite ice cream contagious.

He went to the alcohol section to get a pack of 6 beer bottles and proceeded to pay for all the items.

You quirked a brow at his combination of ice cream and beer but didn’t question him.

You guys decided to go to the Namsan Tower, as you had coincidentally got down at Myeongdong Station. You spent the cable ride up in comfortable silence, save for the bouncing of Hyunjin’s leg against the floor of the cable car.

When both of you got down, he looked for a bench with the best view overlooking the city. Once he found it, he set the things down, taking out a beer bottle and opening it against the bench.

“Impressive.”, you said nodding. He made a show of removing his imaginary hat which made you giggle.

“Okay have a sip of this but don’t drink it and then take a bite of the ice cream.”

You did as he instructed and you were taken aback when the chocolate melted into your mouth and the ice cream mixed with the beer. The chocolate paired so well with the malty beer, it left a different kind of burn in your throat which was washed away by the ice cream.

Hyunjin waited with bated breathe for your reaction and let out a sigh of relief when you smiled up at him. He was happy to share his favourite food combination with you and even happier that you seemed to like it.

“It’s like the Mc Donald’s float but less sweet and for adults.”

“Yeah I guess it is, I was really drunk off my ass when I thought of this combination.”

“You’re a genius actually, I was really skeptical of it at first but it goes together so well!”

He just smiled and you guys sat there for a few minutes, soaking up the scenery and drinking together. Until he broke the silence with his questioning,”So..do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”

You sighed nodding and taking a sip of your beer,”I fucked up really bad at the office today and was reprimanded in front of the whole office. It was humiliating to say the least.”

“And? Is that all?”

“No.." You sighed again, opening up was always hard but never with Hyunjin.

"I’ve been wondering these days, if it’s all worth it?”

“You mean slaving away in that office every day to just put food on your table, even if it doesn’t make you happy?”

You were shocked at how he was able to articulate your feelings in just a sentence,”Yes..”, you let out a dry chuckle.

His hand found yours, thumb running circles on your hand, urging you to continue,”I just- I don’t know what my purpose is, you know? Like how you know what your purpose is and you’re doing so well too. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in college and I’m still the same, all these years later. Wasting my life away for a job I don’t even like.” You try not to cry and end up pouting.

“Do you want my honest opinion?” You nod.

“First of all, yes I do like helping people but it’s just a bonus. I’ve been obsessed with psychology for as long as I can remember, I’m just one of the lucky ones whose special interest happens to coincide with my “purpose”. The idea that everyone needs to have a purpose to be worthy of being a citizen of the society is such bullshit. Plus your purpose doesn’t always imply something you have to do to give back to the world. It’s all just part of the western capitalistic propaganda. What if I’m here to just have fun? What if this is my last life as a human? I think the pressure of having a “purpose” is too much especially for an 18 year old fresh out of high school. Even for a 23 year old like yourself, it’s too soon. I mean you have your whole life ahead of you to find out what it is. So really, you have nothing to worry about.”

Hearing his words had lifted a weight off your chest, a feeling of catharsis filling you. He was your catharsis. His words comforting you like no one ever had.

He looked so cute under the moonlight, his angry pout on your behalf making him even more endearing. Oh how you wish you could kiss him and feel those plump lips on every inch of your skin. You looked away before you actually gave in and kissed him.

“I-uhm”, you cleared your throat,”Thank you for saying that, you don’t know how much it means to me.”

“Of course, anytime.” He said smiling and taking a big gulp of his beer. Which was consequently followed by a very loud burp, you turned towards him and started laughing clutching your stomach. The look of surprise on his face and dusting of red on his cheek was priceless. “Uhm, that was on purpose, I wanted to make you laugh.”

“Sure whatever you say Hyune.”

“Anyways, is there not anything that makes you genuinely happy?”

You. That’s what you wanted to say but you couldn’t because of everything that it would imply. You weren’t drunk enough for that conversation. So you went for the next best thing.

“Baking. It calms me down.”

“Then you should open a bakery or a cafe.”, he said matter of factly.

“It’s not as easy as that.”

“But it’s not impossible, is it?”

“Well-”

“I think you shouldn’t give up before you even try it.”

You pondered over what he said for a few minutes.

“I mean I could freelance graphic design for a while alongside my job, save up money and lease a small shop.”

"See, I told you it's not impossible ."

You had to leave the Namsan Tower soon, as it was closing, so you decided to sit outside a convenience store.

You spent what felt like hours talking about your plans for your cafe. It was almost 3am when you both decided to return home.

“You can stay the night with me, you know because your home’s far from here. That’s if you want to.”

“Okay.” He says looking away.

You reach home around 3:30am. Hyunjin insists on sleeping on the couch but you are persistent. “It’s fine really, we’re two adults, we can share the bed.”

You give him a blanket of his own and got in the bed.

“Gooodnight.”

"Goodnight, Hyune.”

»»———-　　———-««

Day 99

Hyunjin had been watching you sleep for the past ten minutes, he found everything about you cute, the peaceful look on your face, the drool coming out your mouth. Oh how he wished you had fallen asleep in his arms.

You slowly wake up due to the sunlight that was streaming in through the windows, your eyes getting used to the light. The first thing you noticed was his eyes, watching you intently, he would never hold back, be it his work or even just a simple gaze. The intensity in his eyes makes you blush and you’re hit with a sudden urge to kiss him.

Unbeknownst to you, that’s the same thing going through his mind.

A chant of:

kiss me,

plaguing his mind.

His ragged breathing goads you on and you lean in.

Your lips meet in a desperate kiss, as if you’re lovers meeting after lifetimes apart. He bites your lip, eliciting a moan from you. His tongue enters your mouth, teasing your tongue.

When the both of you come back for air, his eyes are blown wide, lust evident in them. His carnal gaze setting you off more.

The second kiss you share is sensual, slow, while the first one was all teeth and tongues, this one is unhurried, exploring.

He sits up and you straddle him, the kiss becomes intense as your hand travels to his nape, the kiss deepening, while his hands explore your body, stopping to knead your breasts.

You break the kiss to remove your top. When your lips are back on his, he continues his exploration of your body, now free of it’s constraints. He does quick work of your bra, that you don’t even realise he has removed it.

He starts smothering kisses on your neck, leaving a wet trail down the valley of your breasts. His plump lips close around your right nipple while his nimble fingers play with your left one. You feel yourself shiver at the attention but he holds you steady and needy whines spill out of you as you grind on his hard on. His moans getting lost against your curves. His eyes never once leave yours, as your fingers thread through his hair, pushing him further against your chest.

After what feels like hours of desperate moans that come out of your mouth, Hyunjin stops his ministrations on your chest, you would have come just from this if he had continued any longer.

He removes his shirt, while you help him remove his pants. He initiates the kiss this time, as you keep grinding against his bulge. The sound of his husky moans drive you crazy. You pull away to trail kisses down his neck, his lips chase yours when you do so. But soon he gives into the pleasure your lips give him. You take your time sucking and licking consequently on his skin in your downward descent, giving his nipples little bit of the attention he gave yours. You take your time leaving kisses on the hard muscles of his abdomen. When you finally reach the bulge in his boxers, you look up at him, "Can I?"

“Please”, his deeper than usual voice perhaps from the long hours of sleep has heat pooling between your legs, the neediness in his tone sending you further over the edge.

You remove him from his constraints, his big dick was painfully hard. You smear the precum around his tip, giving small licks to the head of his cock. His needy moans are music to your ears, you tease him some more. Then you take almost half of his length at once, the way he stills in shock makes you feel proud of yourself. You start bobbing up and down his length that you can take, your hands stimulating the rest. His pleasure guiding his actions, he thrusts up into your mouth, moaning loudly when you gag around him. Soon after he feels his orgasm coming, he tries to pull out of your mouth, you tap his thigh to let him know it’s ok if he came inside your mouth. He comes down your throat with an intense moan. You wipe your mouth and go back to kiss him.

“You taste even better with my cum.” He breathes out. His husky voice is enough to make you come.

“I want you on all fours for me, angel.” His commanding tone with the use of that nickname has you complying without any complaints.

This position makes you so much more vulnerable to him, his kisses start from the curve of your ass, he massages your venus dimples, leaving chaste kisses on them while he removes your underwear.

You shudder under him as his kisses reach the nape of your neck, he whispers into your ear, "I want to pay you back for all the teasing but maybe next time. Today, I’ll just settle for ruining you."

His large hand cups your cunt, the tips of his fingers so close yet so far from the place you really need him all while he whispers into your ears like the devil he is, all the things he will do to stay true tp his promise. You’re pretty sure you’re dripping down your thighs by now. His fingers finally enter you, scissoring you open, the motions making you weak, you realise you wouldn’t have fallen down if not for the steady hand around you. He adds a third finger all while nipping your right ear, you finally let go, your walls violently convulsing around his fingers. When you come down from your high, his question catches you off guard after all that’s been said and done.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Yes, please. The condoms are in the first drawer of the bedside table.”

Rolling the condom on, he enters you in one swift motion, your body jerking forward but he catches you in time.

When you have adjusted to his length, he starts moving roughly.

“Fuck you’re so tight, even after I fingered you open.”

The force of his thrusts make the headboard slam against the wall. The sound of banging, matching your moans.

“Ahh-Hyune, please, please d-don’t stop”

You reached your high again after a particularly hard thrust, the sound of your moans reaching a volume they had never before. Hyunjin followed right after, his movements slowing down, his seed spilling into the condom.

He pulled out and got up to get a towel to clean you. You hissed at the loss of him. After he cleaned you up, he peppered your face with kisses promising you breakfast and a day in watching movies.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 112

It had become a routine for you and Hyunjin to spend the night at each other’s place. You would have sex, cuddle and then have dinner together. He would leave before you in the morning because work for him started early.

Today was no different, he ate you out on the kitchen counter before the both of you proceeded to the bathroom to wash the day off of each other.

But it wasn’t long before he was in you, your legs wrapped around his waist, back against the bathroom wall. His thrusts were rougher than usual, you wondered if he had had a bad day at work.

That was before he uttered that name again.

“Ahh- Mina..I-”

You stilled when he said that name, yet again, though he was conscious this time. It had made you wonder if he was seeing someone else. Hearing that name brought back all of your insecurities, the thoughts of an orgasm were so far away now. He didn’t seem to notice or if he did he didn’t say anything, still chasing after his own high. When you felt him getting closer and closer, you clenched harder, moaning his name again and again.

You were thankful it was his turn today to cook, you really wouldn’t be able to focus with your mind running a thousand scenarios that caused you nothing but displeasure. You had felt your heart breaking when you heard him call out for that Mina girl in his sleep last Tuesday night. When you had told Sakura about it she had told you to ask him about it and you wished you could, you wished you were a confrontational person. Hearing your dilemma she told you to just ask him on a date and gauge his reaction. And you did, your heart beating, you were the most nervous you had ever been and the most relieved when he said yes. Your movie date was in 2 days on Saturday, you would go to a fancy restaurant after, for dinner.

You also wished you didn’t get attached to people so easily, you had only known Hyunjin for a little over 3 months but that didn’t stop you from falling for him, causing you inevitable heartache. You know you owed it to yourself to ask him about Mina, you decided it would be best to have this conversation after dinner.

“Hyune? Can I ask you something?” You asked while you were washing dishes and he dried them.

“Yes, of course.” He replied, giving you his crescent eyed smile.

“Who is Mina?” You asked, trying to not sound accusatory.

His whole demeanor changed, he stopped wiping the cup in his hand.

He tried to school his features of any emotions but you noticed the sheen in his eyes, as he went back to wiping the cup.

“Uh-She was my ex-fiancé.”

“Oh”, was all you could say, you had more questions but he was clearly very upset, even though he was trying not to show it. It was best to let him tell you in his own time.

“Why- why do you ask?”

“Oh it- you mentioned her in your sleep.” You didn’t have the heart to mention the incident from before, wanting to hide the shame and faked orgasm.

You didn’t know if you were overthinking or if he was actually distancing himself from you. He didn't say goodnight or give you a kiss. You could feel him building up walls around himself, walls you wanted to climb over and just embrace him.

He didn’t hold you that night, you deluded yourself into thinking that maybe it was because physical touch was just too much in that moment.

You just lay there thinking and thinking about what went wrong, maybe you shouldn’t have asked him about her. Was he still in love with her? All your thoughts however ceased when you heard soft sobs from his side of the bed, wanting to hold him close but you knew would do no good. It would only make him distance himself more.

You don’t know when you fell asleep between trying not to let your tears fall and trying not to wipe away his tears. But your worst fears were confirmed when you woke up to the cold sheets beside you and your washroom devoid of his toiletries that he had brought over after spending countless nights at your place.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 114

Anyone would say it was a foolish thing to wait for someone for 2 hours at the movie theater, someone who had left one morning without saying a goodbye, someone who hadn’t replied to any of your calls or texts for the last two days, someone whose silhouette, with his headphones that you longed to see in that train, someone whom you missed a lot.

As you walked away from the theater with heavy feet, you thought to yourself about how now you had the confirmation that he was not coming back.

Your time with him, however short, taught you that you were capable of love, of heartbreak. You came out of your first heartbreak gaining something, at least that is how you consoled yourself.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 127

You were sitting in the same seat as you sat in everyday, everyday praying you could see him again, even if it was just once. It was as if he had disappeared into thin air or maybe your lonely mind just made him up, that’s why he always seemed so other-worldly.

You were staring out the window as was routine for you these days, hoping to find him, always looking for him subconsciously. Your wet umbrella on your lap was soaking your clothes, but it didn’t matter. Your wet hair was stuck to your face but that too, didn’t matter.

From the corner of your eye, you think you saw his long black hair, your heartbeat quickening as you rushed to get out of the train, it felt like hours had passed when the doors opened.

You ran in the direction of the subway as that’s where he was headed, calling out to him but his pace only seemed to quicken. So it really was him.

You finally slowed down when he was on the fifth step.

“Hyunjin, please.”

That made him stop in his tracks, maybe it was the desperation or the pain evident with that last word.

He turned around and you could swear that the world around you stopped, the pain in his eyes mirroring the pain in yours, while his heartache was caused by some stranger you didn’t know and yours was caused by him. He looked pale and his eyes were bloodshot.

You walked towards him, the reasonable part of your mind telling you to just walk away, to save further heartache and humiliation.

Standing a step below him, you looked up, trying not to sound weak while tears were welling up in your eyes,”Can we please talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Really? That’s all you have to say? Did our friendship mean nothing to you? Were the weeks we spent together so insignificant that you didn’t even bother saying goodbye?”, anger from the weeks alone catching up with you.

“Y/N-”, you flinch at his use of your name, your own name sounding so foreign on his tongue.

“I-We can’t be together. I can’t be in a relationship right now.”, he croaked looking away.

“Then why did you lead me on? Why? When you’re in love with someone else?”

He finally looked at you,“God-I, I never meant to lead you on, Y/N. And I’m not in love with someone else, my ex she-she died in a car accident, two years ago. She is dead.” He whispered the last sentence to himself, as if trying to remind himself of that.

Suddenly everything made sense, the look of melancholy that was always present in his eyes. The name he called out to, in his slumber.

He was staring into your eyes, looking for something, you tried to blink back the tears that were starting to build behind your eyes. You turned around then, tears starting to fall down your cheeks, walking away from him was probably one of the hardest things you had to endure.

When you were finally out of his sight, did you let yourself cry, smalls sobs turning into heaving. You cried for him then, his love, his loss, your love and your loss. You finally understood why he couldn’t love you, his grief was too big for his heart and you understood, you did. It still didn’t stop you from cursing the universe for bringing him to you with flowers and sunshine and letting him wash away with the rain.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 113

Hyunjin knew he was hurting you, when he heard you ask him about Mina yesterday, he realised he had called out Mina’s name while making love to you. He had wished hard that he hadn’t said it out loud, he felt guilty for thinking about someone else when he was with you. He felt guilty for loving you, his mind had become a prison he couldn’t get out of.

He wished he could've processed his grief before he met you, he wished he hadn’t fought with Mina, he wished Mina hadn’t run away from him that night, he wished he didn’t feel guilty for holding you, loving you. He wished for the ghosts of his past to leave him alone. But that’s all he could do, all he had been doing his whole life.

He didn’t want to be weak and pathetic but he guessed he had always been that way, passive all his life, looking from afar, never taking action.

He knew he had to distance himself before he hurt you more than he already had. He knew it wasn’t right but sometimes not saying goodbye hurt less than actually saying goodbye.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 127

It had been 15 days since he had last heard that voice, at first he thought his mind was playing tricks on him. He tried his hardest not to turn around and just run into your arms.

Your plea was what made him stop and reminded him of the wall he had built up to protect you from himself.

He was devastated, his worst fears confirmed when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, your face thinner than he last saw you.

He had an epiphany that day, he really wanted to hold you, call you his again. In order to do that, he would have to get over his grief, his past.

For the first time in his life, he decided he wouldn’t let life pass him by, he wouldn’t let you pass by, he would seek help to get to you. He was determined and would do anything to kiss you again.

»»———-　　———-««

Day 335

For a little less than 7 months, you’ve been working hard to open your own café. It was just last month when you had finalised on a shop, paying the deposit for it. The shop was small but it had a homey feel to it, it was everything you were looking for and more.

With help from your friends you had set up all the furniture and equipment, your café, ’Eden’, would be opening in 5 days and to say you weren’t nervous would be a lie. You hoped all the ads that you had put up and the marketing you had done would pay off and that people would actually show up.

You had quit your job last month, starting the new year in your café, surrounded by people you love. It had been satisfying sending in the two week notice. You had been freelancing alongside your job the last few months. You don’t know why it never occurred to you that you could live off the money you made from doing freelance graphic design.

Han and Sakura were bickering out front while you organised your kitchen, there was no way you were letting them near your kitchen, especially so close to opening day.

Their bickering had suddenly stopped, there were only hushed voices now and it made you wonder what had happened. You went out to investigate and overheard their conversation.

“What do we do with this bouquet?”

“Don’t ask me stupid questions, Hanji. Of course we throw it out, we can’t let her know he was here.”

“Who has here?” You asked incredulously.

“Hyunjin, obviously you dummy. Who is the one asking stupid questions now?”

“Jisung!” Sakura scolded hitting him on his back.

“Oww! What the-Oh Y/N”

You took the bouquet of Daffodils from the counter and ran outside.

“Y/N wait-” you heard Sakura call out.

You were glad when you found his retreating figure, his wide back and long hair making him easily recognisable.

“Hyunjin!” You yelled to get his attention. You were out of breathe when you finally caught up to him.

Returning the bouquet to him, you tried to stabilise your breathing.

“Y/N, wha-”

“I don’t take flowers from strangers.” He let out a sigh, running his hand through his hair.

“Your friends told me you were at home.”

“I don’t blame them for lying, they were just protecting me.” He winced at the bite in your tone, but he knew he deserved it.

“Look, can we please just talk?”

“I don’t think we have anything to talk about.”, you said throwing his words from months ago back at him. Only you knew how many times you had replayed that whole conversation.

“Okay I deserve that but please just listen to me, once. I promise I won’t bother you again.”

“You have 30 minutes.”

“But-” You gave him a look that indicated you wouldn’t negotiate on this.

“Fine. But you will have to come with me somewhere first.”

You thought over his words for a minutes before letting out an exasperated sigh,”You better make this worth my time, Hwang.” You texted Han and Sakura in your group chat asking them to close up and letting them know that you would return late. You turned your phone on silent and walked to where his car was parked.

His bouncing leg was the first thing you noticed when you got in the car, the smell of jasmines was the second thing you noticed.

You could cut the tension in the car with a knife.

“Are you kidnapping me? Where are we even going this late at night?”, you joked.

“The Graveyard.”, was all he muttered before turning silent again. You didn’t know how to reply and wondered what was going on through his head. Why now??

The graveyard was grim and gloomy, like one always is. He got down without a word, grabbing a bouquet of jasmines from the backseat. You wordlessly followed his lead.

When he finally reached the grave he was looking for, he bent down to put the bouquet near the grave stone and you heard him sniffle.

“This is my first time visiting her grave. It’s been two years since the accident and this is the first time.” He breathed out, his tone one of disdain. You rubbed his back to comfort him and urging him to continue.

“The night she died, the night of her accident, we had a fight. She just left with her car and I let her. If I had just apologised, just let go of my ego for once…”

“Hey it’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known. I know my words might seem empty but you can’t predict the future, it’s not your fault.” , you wanted to comfort him like he had done for you, after all you were friends before everything that went down.

“I-I know.”

“I just never got over my grief, when she died I was just numb and threw myself into work. For the longest time I didn’t process that she had died.”

“Then I met you, I tried to deny my feelings for you so long, even before you had that panic attack. I would silently watch you, doing nothing about my growing feelings for you. When I finally had you, I felt guilty towards Mina, it felt like I was betraying what I had with her. I mean I was literally going to marry her.”

“And when I realised I had hurt you, I was so angry at myself. I knew I had to do something, so I started seeing a therapist. You must think I’m pathetic, I mean what therapist goes to another therapist.”

“Hyune, there’s nothing wrong with seeking out help, you’re human too at the end of the day. Also I’m pretty sure many therapists go to other therapists on the daily.” Relief flooded his body at the familiar nickname and he felt just a bit better.

“I know, I do. I just can’t help but feel pathetic, you know? I lost the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and also probably the love of my life. My therapist said that I should visit her grave and on the same day I saw the ad for your café, I knew then that it was a sign.”

“What do you mean, a sign?” Your lack of a response at his confession didn’t go unnoticed by him but he continued anyway.

“I hadn’t realised that I needed help until I lost you, so when I saw your ad, I just knew I had to at least try to reconcile with you. I’m so sorry for being an asshole and ghosting you, there’s really no excuse. I’m truly sorry.”

“It’s okay I forgive you.” You reply without hesitating and you really had forgiven him and made your peace with the situation. He was wrong to ghost you but you knew him better and decided to not judge him for his temporary lapse of judgment. Plus you were never good at holding grudges for too long.

“Uh-I, thank you.”

“I should drop you home, it’s getting late.”

Both of you walked back to the car in silence, this time it was a comfortable one.

When you got in the car, Hyunjin didn’t immediately start the engine.

“Uhh you don’t have to reply to my confession but I would like it if we could be friends again.”, he said, rubbing the nape of his neck.

“Who said I want to be friends?”

“Oh,, okay.” He said looking down at his hands.

“I love you too, Hyune.”

He looked up at that, his widened eyes searching yours to see if you were telling the truth or not. And then he did the unexpected : he kissed you.

His kiss expressed everything his words couldn’t, his love, his promises, his forever.

{The end}

a/n: tysm if you've reached this far! it's my first time posting such a long fic, i hope you liked it <33 i'm so sorry if there any typos, i didn't have time to proofread, pls lmk if there any mistakes :) also i might write an epilogue for this if enough people are interested

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